Who invented ephedrine

I saw the previous post and I don’t think people have a nuanced opinion.
Sushrutha is not the idiot there, the people treating it as a replacement for modern medicine and religious scripture are.
Sushrutha Samhita is a legit medical treatise with many novel and working concepts still in use.
It was written as a secular academic work limited by the technology of the day. It wasn’t written as a part of ‘Indian culture’.
We don’t say that Hippocrates’ work was meant to worship Greek gods or is a part of ‘Greek culture.’
It’s just an outdated piece of academic work.
Sushrutha and Hippocrates would’ve loved modern medicine. They invented new protocols and treatments themselves and would be appaled to see people using 3000 year old technology.
Why would the guy who told us surgical tools should be made of silver not iron be opposed to stainless steel? Lmao
Now onto urine.
Urine contains urea which is alkaline and breaks down into ammonium hydoxide which is even more alkaline and slightly toxic (at those concentrations).
So it’s not surprising for it to cure indigestion, acidity and parasitic worms. Much like milk of magnesia.
It also contains salts so maybe they used it as shitty ORS, who knows.
Different aninals eat different things (no shit) and many different chemicals or their metabolites end up in a high concentration in their urine. That’s why we do urine tests (not taste).
It’s plausible these products are pharmacologically active and actually treat something.
For example: the fungus Amanita Muscatia contains muscarine but it’s toxic.
Reigndeer digestion turns it into muscaric acid and drinking their urine will give you less side effects than the mushrooms. That’s what Scandanaviand did.
Europeans also consumed urine for other reasons. The Romans used it as mouthwash and it worked because it contains ammonium hydroxide, we still alkaline toothpastes.
People in the past weren’t stupid, just limited by technology.
All that being said.
We don’t need to do all that anymore and have modern treatments for all these.
Being pseudoscientific doesn’t depend on if something works or not.
Us not knowing why something works and the lack of quantification (systematic dosage in this case) is what makes it pseudoscience.
Ayurveda uses Humour theory, that’s what makes it pseudoscience.
I’d love for us to research the active ingredients in Ayurvedic medicines so they can be understood and standardised scientifically.
We did this with opium/morphine, nightshade (datura)/atropine, cinchona/quinine, ephedrine/ephedra etc.
Why not everything claimed by Ayurveda?
Now western countries are doing this with Cannabis and I’m afraid they’ll figure it out before.
Then chadis will claim we did it 2000 years ago. No we didn’t, not by modern standards.
Ironically it’s them who hold up research and funding.

This post was born as a comment to another post here but I figured that this way more people would see it and can learn from my story of what addiction means to me as an entp.
1,5 year back I saw breaking bad and as we entp's tend to dream of big and impossible badass dreams, I started mine. I've read first about weed and became curious. Bringing weed up once in school I found out about a friend who actually had access to it. At first I was still unsure and decided to wait at lest. The day I left school in the middle of the year cause I didnt find the gifted program good for my personal growth (I went to a class for "gifted" kids, you may think that this was some prestige school with benefist for students and such but take a different look, this is slovakia so dont expect anything, these kids including me were actually gifted but school couldnt care less, for one gifted student school got more money than for normal classes, the only difference in they're aproach was sickening amount of ego inflating and telling young nothing knowing kids how superior they are and how they should work harder than normal kids, this basically made they're job a lot fucking easier as we were suppoused to do all the work ourselves as they said that we were"gifted" ) he gave me some weed as a present for me leaving. Went home, smoked it, lit a steel bucket fire place (that baby could melt aluminium cans) fueled by my homemade super fuel (benzene, ethanol and diethyl ether) and then sat on my bed and watched the fire till 2am. Whole eay from then I smoked weed pretty much all day, every day. But my interest in drugs kept growing bigger and bigger, I learned so fast about biology, neurochemistry, organic chemistry (this wasnt something new as since I was 3yrs old I mastered so many subjects that average everyday info became repetetive, when I was attending the giffted school I had 4 friends with similiar interests mainly physics, we were so good that just when 14yrs old we easily crushed national young physist tournament which is a high school contest for universities to choose most talented attendants as their students, for our young age we couldnt get further in the contest but scored 6th place from 12 teams, note that most people there were 4-5 years older than us) that in 1.5 years I built a lab in my room and synthesised/extracted few dozen substances (some of which im the most proud of include: paraxanthine, methylmethcathinone, ephedrine, opium, morphine sulfate, LSA, MDA and possibly even racemic amphetamine from cinnamaldehyde from cinnamon). At the end of 2019 my hunger for new experiences and possibilities fueled me to meet my year old dream, I did LSA, MDMA, LSD, xanax, flualprazolam, dextromethorphan, datura (scopolamine or devils breath, with this I have the most paradoxical experience, even on low doses many people report scary frightening trips but mine were dreamy, happy and introspective). At first peak of my use with a friend I invented an emission particle colider capable of reducing toxic gases uncomprehendably efficiently. Smoking weed, cigs, taking any psychoactive substance that I could get we won first round with our project, went to a national contest in the capital. There we stayed at a hotel, not sleeping at all taking caffeine pills, smoking cigs we spend the whole night out in foreign city, fighting off random junkies from dumpsters and MC donadls. Our project, of course looked shitty made from old pizza boxes, cartboard tube, with the only thing we spend money on being a plastic foil. The national contest was fun, tweaked out of my ass, starting conversations with every girl I found. I met a team of girls that went there from russia, instantly turning my brain on fire, the ungodly sexiness of these young russian girls got me crazy. Only to realize they are 3 years older than me I switched my concentration from craving sex to craving information, we talked for hours with me explaining all the drugy science and them being mesmerized by for them totaly unknown things ( russian censorship keeping all the info from people, for those wondering why). The contest was slowly coming to an end. They started giving out prizes to projects that were chosen, from worst like books, electronics and university schoolarships to the best being tickets to contests to other countries. All prizes except last 2 were given, we lost our hope as the last ones were russia and USA. But there tables have turned, our project was announced to be send to moscow international science contest. This was the most cruciable moment of the this era in my life, that moment my brain was flood by FUCKING dopamine and serotonin HAILSTORM. My brain was melting as I was walking on the stage, some of the most influential people of my country like polititians, biggest industry owners and such were congratulating me and my friend with hundreds people looking and cheering, I saw my mom and bro, many new made friends, those hot russian chicks and thought to myself:_________. Thats it, nothing, just pure bliss from the shananigans going on in my brain. If you are here, still reading and wondering why the fuck did I write all of this bullshit around a possibly simple answear, Im spun but mainly cause thats the addiction I suffer, addiction to thrill and chaos, addiction to feeling a moment like this again, addiction to knowing that on the one hand I'm a barely mentaly stable, manipulative, self destructive, nihilistic, junkie individual and on the other capable of doing and knowing things others find impossible, being adaptable in many situations or environments and charismatic.
For some people who were motivated by my post to continue addiction or think that drugs will make you the person I wrote here about. Try something bit less extreme as I know these caution words mostly mean nothing to you. My story is also full of bad things like mental abuse from my father, manic-depressive disorder (i got it from eating antipsycholeptics that my friends was prescribed), overdoses and times I've been thinking so much about meaning of life, all the patterns in this reality and very phylosophical stuff which was very hard for me but crutial in the proces of me finding myself that I was mentaly dead for 5months, emotionless creature wandering in reality that didn't seem real to me anymore. Now here I am. Still continuing my life of a daredevil, seeking the thrill of any unpredicted change around me and overcoming it, constantly learning and still perfecting myself.
Take this as the guide to find out what I did wrong, what YOU can do better to beat me and become your dream self
Thanks a lot for reading this far, comment and share your story, lets learn a few things from each other, huh?! There are also a lot of gramar mistakes so sorry for that, english is thing I have yet to master. Message me as I'd love to talk to anyone, virtualy about anything.
Make the chaos your most powerful tool Antiwator

What's up INP! This week we're gonna learn about cocaine. Or alkaloids in general.
Cocaine is a an alkaloid obtained from the leaves of Erythroxylum coca (Fam: erythroxylaceae) which contains not less than 0.3% alkaloids calculated as cocaine. This is often confused by people with cocoa, which is Theobroma cacao (fam: theobroma); from which we get chocolate.
The coca plant is native to South American countries of Argentina, Peru, Bolivia, and Colombia. The leaves of coca have been used by the native population for thousands of years for it's psychoactive alkaloid, cocaine. A brew of coca leaves is still drunk today as a stimulant beverage.
Fun fact: At low doses such as the ones found in a leaf, cocaine acts as a local anesthetic, which numbs the region. before the invention of modern anesthetics, cocaine was used in dentistry as a local anesthetic. Coca cola, when invented by a pharmacist in 1886, had an extract of coca leaves, till it was phased out around 20 years later. Ironically, the pharmacist who invented coca cola sold the business to fund his opioid addiction.
What is an alkaloid? Loosely speaking, An alkaloid is a chemical entity that is 1) extracted from a plant source 2) Has a nitrogen atom in its structure as a part of a heterocycle 3) is synthesized by the plant from sugars and amino acid derivatives. 4) When consumed by humans shows a therapetuic/toxic effect. One way plants derive these precursors is the shikimic acid pathway. These precursors then combine with other molecules to produce an alkaloid.
Alkaloids are secondary mtabolites; which means plants don't produce them at will. Most of them are made by the plant to combat a stimulus. An alkaloid assists the plans in functions like pest control. Nicotine, an alkaloid generated by the tobacco plant (Nicotina tabaccum) is a pesticide for a plant, and a recreational drug for a human. It is nicotine, which is responsible for the addiction to tobacco.
Alkaloids, hava general appearance of a white powder, with some exceptions like nicotine (which is a brownish orange liquid in its pure state, since it lacks oxygen atoms in it's chemical structure) Alkaloids are generally very bitter, and poisonous when ingested. Strychnine, an alkaloid from the seeds of Strychnos ignatii is used as a posion to kill small animals. mallus might be knowing about this one. It's a disk shaped seed with a velvet texture to it. Not all alkaloids are bad. Alkaloids, when used correctly, are of immense importance in medicine.
Morphine, an alkaloid from Papaver somniferum is a potent analgesic, and is used to alleviate severe pain. Derivatives of morphine, like codeine and heroin are controlled substances and drugs of abuse. Quinine, an alkaloid extracted from the bark of Cinchona officinalis was used in the past to treat malaria. Ephedrine (which, as a matter of fact, doesn't fit the definition of an alkaloid yet is considered so) from Ephedra sinica has been used by the chinese as a decongestant since thousands of years. Ephedrine is still administered today, in syrups and tablets. D-methamphetamine, a chemical derivative of ephedrine is a drug of abuse. This was elaborated on in the pilot episode of Breaking bad.
Lets get back to cocaine now. The coca plant uses a synthetic pathway for the biosynthesis of cocaine . Each plant uses it's own route depending on the alkaloid it''s making.
The biosynthesis involves three steps

• The synthesis of methyl ecgonine from ornithine, a derivative of glutamc acid, used by plant cells for protein synthesis
  
• The synthesis for Benzy CoA from Phenylalanine, an amino acid obtaiined by the shikimic acid pathway
  
• Condensation of the two to form benzoylmethylecgonine (cocaine)
  

Alkaloids, depending on their chemistry have various extraction proccesses. One of the most popular processes used for extracting cocaine is called an acid-base extraction. Here, Plant matter is treated with a base first, then extracted with an acid. One of the reasons why this is done is to precipitate out the extra contaminant organic acids and then extract the alkaloid (which is basic) with an acid. I'm elaborating a crude method for extraction of cocaine here (not gonna share too many details for obvious reasons.)
crushed, dried cocaine leaves are treated with a solution of Sodium carbonate (a base). This mixture is then treated with kerosene, and allowed to sit. The kerosene is separated from the plant matter, and is extracted with dilute sulfuric acid. the acid layer is separated, cooled, and oxidized with potassium permanganate. The solution is filtered and the filtrate is treated with ammonium hydroxide. The precipitate is dried, and recrystallized with acetone. Voila! You now now crack cocaine.
Crack cocaine is a drug of abuse. it can be injected, smoked but not snorted. A salt form, like cocaine hydrochloride, allows for absorption by snorting. Cocaine starts acting within seconds of absorption. It acts on the dopamine receptors in the brain and triggers the release of large amounts of dopamine (a feel-good neurotransmitter.) Cocaine delivers a rush of energy and a feeling of supreme confidence followed by an intense high lasting for about an hour, depending upon the route of administration.
Cocaine users develop a tolerance, which further fuels their addiction. Other side effects include increased BP, heart rate, body temperature, CNS activity, and appetite suppression.
I guess I'll close this thread here. I hope you enjoyed reading. Questions? Comments? Share 'em below!
Links: 4 1 2 3

History of Psychedelia - a work in progress
Ancient Egypt - Blue water Lilly residue found in pot in King Tut's tomb. Use of peyote [?] and opium.
South America - Aztecs use morning glory, mushrooms, other psychotropics
1560 - Bernardino de Saha'gun publishes the earliest accounts of peyote; fist mentions of teonanacatl, in "History of the Things of New Spain".
1615 - Francisco Hernandez publishes mind-changing effects of morning glory seeds (Ololiuqui).
1730 - First reports of Amanita muscaria mushrooms among Siberian tribesmen.
1771 - James Cook and a Swedish botanist discover the native Hawaiian kava-kava ceremonies.
1772 - Sir Joseph Priestly produces nitrous oxide (also first to isolate oxygen).
^{1780 - Plants that were brought back to Spain by Cortez are classified by Lamarck as *Erythroxylon coca*}
~1800 - Baron Alexander von Humboldt gathers first scientific report on oiyopo snuff in the Amazonian region.
1839 - William Brooke O'Shaughnessy introduces Cannabis Sativa to western medicine.
1844 - Theophile Gautier starts the Club des Haschischins in Paris, France; held monthly seances for elite writers and intellectuals.
1845 - Jacques-Joseph Moreau, member, publishes the first scientific book ever written on a drug, called "Du hachisch et de l'aliénation mentale, études psychologiques".
1851 - Richard Spruce discovers ayahuasca ceremonies of the South American natives.
1855 - Ernst Freiherr von Bibra writes the first book of its kind, "Die narkotischen Genussmittel und der Mensch," delineating some 17 narcotic stimulants, including coffee and coffee leaf tea, Paraguay tea, guarana, Chocolate, Fahan, Kath, fly agaric, Datura, Coca, Opium, Lactuarium, hashish, tobacco, betel and arsenic.
1860 - Sir Richard Francis Burton publishes The Look of the West, notes cactus, by whites 'whiskey-root' and 'peyoke' by indians
^{1860 - Cocaine is isolated from coca leaves.}
1864 - First published descriptions of tabernantha iboga psychoactivity.
^{1887 - Amphetamine synthesized.}
1889 - Louis Lewin travels to the southwestern US and brings peyote back to labs in Berlin.
1896 - First primary accounts of the peyote experience by Philadelphia physician, S. Weir Mitchell, who then forwarded peyote buttons to Havelock Ellis, who called it "An orgy of visions" and "A new artificial paradise," and to William James who got a stomach ache after eating one, declaring that he would "take the visions on trust."
1897 - Arthur Heffter synthesizes the first crystalline psychedelic from his rival Lewin's specimens - isolated the main psychoactive ingredient by fractioning the peyote alkaloids and trying them on animals and on himself - mezcalin is born. Heffter becomes first to systematically study a naturally occurring psychedelic.
^{1906 - FDA forces Coca-Cola an imitation of Europe's popular cocaine 'Mariani Wine' to remove cocaine from its recipe.}
1907 - Crowley's diary records first experiment with Parke-David fluid peyote extract
1908 - Eugen Bleuler joins the University Hospital of Psychiatry Zurich: Burghölzli, the
1909 - Crowley publishes short story "The Drug" illustrating a classic peyote experience, first known report to emphasize entheogenic and spiritual transformative (psychedelic) effects.
1910 - The Eyes of St. Ljubov - first explicit (brief) mention of peyote cactus.
1910 - Crowly experiments on many people with Peyote, inspires publication of "The Rites of Eleusis." Prototype rite the Rite of Artemis invites semi-private audience to drink peyote and watch performance
1911 - Bleuler invents the term schizophrenia (Greek schizo - split, phrene - mind) to describe the previously labelled dementia praecox and introduces the idea of positive and negative symptoms.
1913 - William Arthur Hans Bernhard-Smith writes article 'A Note on the Action of Mescal'
1914 - WWI begins.
1914 Mark Raymond Harrington persuades Mabel Dodge Luhan to reproduce an authentic peyote ritual of the Kiowa tribe in he apartment. Participants included Neith Boyce, Max Eastman and Andrew Dasburg
^{1914 - Harrison Narcotic Act bans cocaine, morphine and heroin.}
1915 - Parks Davis takes interest in Crowley's Anhalonium research, provides him improved with peyote extract preparation
1918 - Arthur Stroll isolates ergotamine for Sandoz, explored for uterine contractions.
1918 - WWI ends.
1919 - Ernst Spath first to synthesize mescaline - renewed scientific interest into peyote.
1919 - Liber CMXXXIV [934]. The Cactus. An elaborate study of the psychological effects produced by Anhalonium Lewinii (Mescal Buttons) [i.e. peyote], compiled from the actual records of some hundreds of experiments; with an explanatory essay.
1920s - British Customs apparently destroy these records.
1927 - Pharmacologist Alexandre Rouhier gave peyote extract to students and published about it.
1927 - Kurt Beringer publishes "Der Meskalinrausch" (Mescaline Inebriation), and introducing its ability to induce psychosis-like states. Its structural similarity sparks first hypotheses into the chemical basis of schizophrenia.
1929 - English monograph attempts to catalog the elements of mescaline visions.
1929 - Crowly discusses possibility of devising pharmaceutical, electrical or surgical method of inducing Samadhi
1930s - Amphetamine substitutes ephedrine, available without prescription.
1933 - Leo Perutz publishes Saint Peter's Snow (reference to San Pedro extract?), a novel that features a mysterious ergot-derived hallucinogen similar to LSD with intoxicating properties similar to mescaline (5 years before LSD's synthesis, 10 years before it's so-called discovery).
1936 - Engineeethologist Roberto J. Weitlaner and his colleagues become first westerners to obtain sacred mushrooms.
1937 - American Medical Association sanctions Amphetamine use.
1937 - Richard Evans Shultes completes his biology degree, along with his undergraduate thesis on ritual use of peyote.
1938 - "Weitlaner, his daughter Ermgard, her fiancé ethnologist Jean Bassett Johnson, and two others, became the first westerners since the Spanish arrived in the new world to actually witness a mushroom ceremony."1
1938 - LSD-25 is synthesized from ergot in a series of lysergic acid derivatives Hofmann was researching 'for their vasoactive properties.'
1939 - WWII begins.
1939/41 - R. E. Shultes completes his doctoral's thesis on teonanácatl (1941), publishes two papers describing use of Psilocybe mushrooms and Ololiuqui (morning glory; LSA) in Oaxaca, Mexico.
1943 - LSD psychoactivity announced by Hofmann.
1943 - U.S. Navy begins Project Chatter, testing mescaline, scopolamine and anabasine (similar to nicotine) in recruitment and interrogations
1945 - WWII ends, introducing the Cold War.
1945 - Huxley publishes The Perennial Philosophy.
1948 - Sandoz patents LSD, trademarks and sells it as Delysid, sold in various dosages including 10µg and 25µg vials. Anyone can buy the recipe and make it themselves if they have the equipment.
1950/51 - CIA begins mind control program - Project BLUEBIRD gets renamed Operation ARTICHOKE turns into Project MKUltra - attempt to get individuals to do bidding against their will. Test LSD on many unwitting citizens.
1953 - MKUlra sanctioned by U.S Govt.
1953 - R. Gordon Wasson travels to Mexico with his wife.
1954 - Huxley experiments with Mecaline, supervised by Osmond.
1954 - Woolley and Shaw recognized the structural relationship between LSD and serotonin, and form the first formal hypothesis that brain chemistry has something to do with behavior and mental illness
1955 - Huxley publishes *The Doors of Perception, * exposes similarities between psychedelic experiences and mystical states of consciousness - parallels to the Perennial Philosophy.
1955 - Wasson and his photographer (Alan Richardson) become the first known whites to participate in and publish about the magic mushroom ceremony, conducted by Maria Sabina. They bring specimens back home.
1955 - Humphrey publishes his accounts of Ololiuqui, echoes the psychosis theory.
1956 - Roger Heim identifies Wasson's specimens as Psilocybe, then identifies three species of Psilocybe used in these Native ceremonies: Psilocybe mexicana, zapotecorum, and caerulescens, along with cubensis.
1957 - Hofmann isolates psilocybin and psilocin as the active ingredients from Psilocybe mexicana sent to him by Heim and synthesizes Psilocybin, and two shorting acting diethyl analogs of psilocybin (CEY-19) and psilocin (CZ-74). [clear this up... some confusion as to what is what] Publishes it in 1958.
1958 - Heim and Wasson publish Les Champignons Hallucinogenes du Mexique, considered one of the greatest works of ethnobiology.
1960 - Psilocybin is patented by Sandoz (CY 39) and trademarked as Indocybin (Indo from Indian and indole, and cybin after Psilocybin - "psilo" in Greek means "bald," "cybe" means "head"), sold in various dosages including 2 and 5mg pellets.
1961 - Leo Hollister tested the effects of tolerance to increasing daily doses of psilocybin on a graduate student.
1962 - Phanke and Leary administer Good Friday psilocybin experiment to a group of religiously inclined graduate students.
1963 - Sandoz LSD patents expire; the US FDA classifies LSD as an Investigational New Drug: new restrictions on medical and scientific use.
1963 - Leary and Alpert are fired from Harvard, ending the Harvard Psilocybin Project.
1966 - LSD is outlawed in California on October 6th.
1967 - Heim publishes Nouvelles Investigations sur les Champignons Hallucinogenes.
1968 - Possession of LSD is banned throughout the US.
1968 - Nicholas Sand buys a farm and starts his LSD lab, producing over 3.6 million tablets of Orange Sunshine (ALD-52)
1969 - Orange Sunshine appears on the streets.
1970 - Windowpane acid (gelatin squares) first reported by the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs in the U.S.
1970 - US. Congress classifies LSD as a Schedule-1 drug, having no therapeutic potential.
1970 - Blotter paper comes to the acid scene.
1971 - The UN Convention on Psychotropic Substances prohibits LSD.
1972 - Sand is prosecuted for LSD manufacture, found guilty in 1976 and was set free on bail.
^{1991 - Cold War ends.}
1990s - a resurgence of psychedelics is seen after 80s hiatus.
1993 - The Heffter Research Institute is founded in Zurich.
1993 - Native Americans fight for sacred land rights and rights to use peyote, leads to Religious Freedom Restoration Act, establishing religious freedom laws across the United States.
1996 - Sand + 7 are busted for running a Canadian LSD lab that "produced enough acid to dose every man, woman and child in Canada 1.5 times".
1998 - Franz Vollenweider founds the Heffter Research Centre Zürich for Consciousness Studies (HRC-ZH).
2000 - Pickard and Apperson are pulled over transporting their LSD lab, putting an end to the largest illicit manufacturing operation in the history of the US--acid prices soar, acid use drops.
2001 - 9/11, U.S involvement in middle-east begins.
2000s - RCs like 25i-NBOMe hit the market, sold as LSD.
2011 - The Silk Road opens, begins BTC trade. LSD price declines. New era of potential for LSD as it soars through the sky undetected in lettermail worldwide.
2013 - Ross Ulbricht trialed as Dread Pirate Roberts, Silk road shuts down. Soon after, Silk Road 2 opens.
2013 - Erowid publishes warning about increasing sales of NBOMe as LSD.
2014 - LSD Avengers begin using chromatography and other testing on DNM LSD samples and publishing results (e.g. Energy Control), holding LSD vendors accountable for their products.
2014 - Silk road 2 shut down, Agora continues to become largest DNM throughout 2015. Evolution market shuts down with $12M exit scam from escrow BTC.
2015 - Market diversification, improvements of escrow services and decentralization.

Psst, hey buddy. Wanna buy some medicine?
In order to avoid the suspicions of the mortals around me, once a year I allow myself to be afflicted with a head cold.
I stick to the traditional symptoms: head-ache, blocked sinus, sore throat. The same things I rattled off to the pretend doctors at the Dispensary Of Relief upon being interrogated like I am trying to score a day off school.
“Some day and night cold and flu tablets, please.” I requested on a Friday afternoon when I sensed the spectre of impending suffering, but still remembered my manners.
“There you go.” I hear, as a packet of Codral paracetamol with Phenylephrine Hydrochloride lands on the counter.
“No, no.” I sigh, “The ones with Pseudo-ephedrine, please.” And so it begins.
As I am a modern thinker in a first-world country with excellent health care facilities, when given the choice between ‘the less effective treatment’ and ‘the more effective treatment’, I choose the more effective one for several reasons you’re not allowed to loudly announce in a pharmacy.
1) When my head is 100% pain and snot, I am aiming for 0% pain and snot. Not 40% pain and snot, with a small amount of gratitude that my situation has mildly improved.
2) Where my pain is involved, saving $2.50 is not high on my list of priorities.
3) I am not a moron.
However, you are not given this option, now. Ask for cold and flu drugs, and you will be tossed a packet of something containing Paracetamol and Phenylephrine Hydrochloride, or in layman’s terms Not The Most Effective Treatment.
You may as well dissolve an aspirin in a Red Bull and pray to your nearest eucalyptus tree.
You must specifically ask for ‘the good stuff’, or say “Tablets that contain pseudoephedrine, please.” (as our idiot health departments have not yet invented a secret handshake) and then dutifully hand over photo identification to the pharmacist, which I did.
Three days later, after my wife had taken some of the drugs managing her own cold that accompanied mine, I returned to the pharmacy for more. I know suffering is character building, but in global terms I am quite wealthy, and largely not of a mind to endure unnecessary discomfort.
I said the magic words, and handed over my photo ID after which I was informed: “I’m sorry. We can’t sell you any.”
Astounded and sick, I eloquently enquired, “Huh? Wha?”
“You bought some in the last three days. You can only buy it every seven days.”
“What sense does that make?! You only get four days worth in a box!”
“Yeah, it’s the rules. Sorry.”
“I’ll pay you double.”
“Sorry, we don’t work like that.”
Pfft, I thought the libs were in charge. Fine. “What are my options?”
“If you get a script, we can sell you more.”
“I went to the doctor yesterday to get a certificate for work. I have it with me, seriously, right now. Here it is. It says I am totally sick.” I said as I eagerly scrambled for the note in my pocket.
“Sorry, that’s not good enough. You need a script.”
“Why is this such a hassle?” I asked, because I like having my time wasted.
“Oh, criminals buy them to make drugs.”
“So I can buy the cold and flu drugs from criminals, then?”
Now I am not sure if you personally have ever received an extremely disturbed and disapproving look from a brunette in a lab coat but it is quite the experience and just a little bit hot, so you should try it sometime.
“Umm…”
Sensing I was not going to gain anything else from this encounter, I told her to “Nevermind.” and left the pharmacy to go in search of criminals who could sell me cold and flu drugs, whilst musing how stupid our respective state governments were to legislate a seven day waiting period on a four day supply of medication that manages the symptoms of the Common Cold.
Before too long, I came across two ne’er-do-well looking types and asked if they sold drugs. “What kindja want?” asked the taller one with the hoodie and the public speaking skills.
“Cold and flu, please.” I responded, remembering my manners. Always remember your manners when dealing with criminals. Criminals are people, too.
“What?”
“I have a cold. I’d like drugs to clear my head and unblock my nose.”
“Well then you want ice or coke.”
“Great. A packet of day and night-time ice, please.”
After they finished laughing, they had questions for me.
“Wait, wait. How do we know you aren’t a fucking cop?” he demanded.
“I have my photo ID right here.” I offered, presuming I would perhaps be entered into a national drug-dealer database, “Is there some sort of discount structure?”
“Nah, nah. Cops got ID. What else?”
Stumped, I racked my brains for proof I was not a police officer, and could therefore be trusted by the street-pharmacists. I had all but given up hope of managing my symptoms, when I thought up something sick and twisted enough to get me through this rigorous screening process.
“I bashed a bloke and waterboarded him, once.” I proudly offered, “He nearly drowned. Thought he was going to die and everything!”
The two shopkeeps conferred for a minute when lo-and-behold, the silent one produced a smartphone and began mashing a grubby fingernail at the screen. An impressively short time later, a look of triumph crossed his face, he smiled broadly and I mentally noted that I must remind him to put any profits from our dealings towards a visit to the dentist.
He showed the screen to his lanky partner, and I was then informed of the content.
“Sorry, chump. Queensland police, May, 2008. They did that one already. And ya forgot to mention breakin’ his nose.”
Crap. They fact check? Unbelievable. I made another attempt.
“Well ok then, chaps. I once electrocuted a child.”
Surely this one would work.
The light from the screen flashed in Tweedle Dee’s eyes as he scanned a new search page. I could have sworn I heard a faint ‘Ding!’ when he found what he was looking for and showed it to Tweedle Dum.
“Ooooh. New South Wales police. 2012. Fourteen year old tazed. You ain’t much good at this not-bein’-a-cop business. We can’t sell you anyfing.”
“Wait, wait!” I pleaded. “I raped a girl in a moving car, once!” thinking that surely this is dastardly enough to gain their trust.
“Look, copper, even I know that one. That was last year in Mackay, and hey, them two cops was just charged, not convicted yet. So it ain’t proved.”
“Well the police commissioner never lets on there’s a difference when he’s talking to newspapers about anyone else.”
“Yeah…” my drug dealer replied, looking slightly sad about the effects a weak and cowed state-media can have on a democratic society that might otherwise choose to keep itself informed rather than misinformed, but then he placed a small metal tube at his left nostril, covered the right, inhaled the contents sharply, and perked right back up again.
Smiling, he said, “Sorry mate. We can’t sell you any drugs.”
“But I need hard drugs to clear my head!” I cried.
“Sorry. I can only sell you cigarettes.”
“What are you trying to kill me? No thanks.” I responded harshly.
Defeated, I left and headed to Coles to buy some more tissues.
Taking the box to the cashier, she smiles, scans it, but suddenly stops and begins to ask me a question.
I have had it. “OH MY GOD WHAT NOW?!” I scream.
Taken aback and shaking she slowly replied: “You know you can get two for four dollars?”