Words on friendship bracelets

When I first started meditating 10 years ago my method was to put myself in a trance like state and then will the spirit of the universe to flow through me, thus connecting to it. I believe the universe is a living being and we are smaller pieces of it. So I also put it out there into the universe telepathically that if it wanted to talk, I'd be listening (by relaxing my brain near the temples). I think I was contacted by NHI and earthlings who also believe they make up a part of a wider living being and so they answered as intermediaries between myself and the universe as a whole.
In the beginning I would meditate before falling asleep and after waking up and was messaged after a couple of weeks of trying. (I'll be referring to myself and others in the following by their first initial.) The first message was "M, this is your Father." I got the feeling this was a different incarnation to my actual father, one that lives on another planet, who was taking ownership of me nonetheless. At least that's the impression that I got. The message came as if a person was talking to me but the voice was skipping the ears and registering straight in the brain. It was very clear.
The second message was (spoken with an accent that sounded European), "M, this is the galactic federation of light."
I talked to them on several occasions in the first couple of years but not that often since then. I have been meditating for 10 years. I do still have visions (usually of people going about their business or meditating themselves). I think they've left me to continue to develop telepathy and other esp on my own. I think they can talk to you at will but prefer you to develop on your own until you can communicate on equal terms.
Three messages stand out, two of them spoken messages and one a visual message (the visual message came to me with my eyes closed).
The first was within a couple of months of me starting to meditate. I was pretty sure the beings I was communicating with were good guys, so I decided to extend the hand of friendship and said to them, "If there's anything you guys or the universe need just ask."
I got a reply within 15 minutes. It was, "We'll hold you to that."
The next day as I was waking up I hear, "M, this is the galactic federation of light. We need you to forgive C."
C was a woman I dated a few times that didn't end well. I don't want to get into specifics but it hurt a bit and bothered me even though it had been a while ago that I dated her. Long story short I think the galactic federation of light was telling me to move on as it was not helping my meditation practice. That's the impression that I got.
The second message that stood out happened about a year after I started meditating. I was working on a boat and the engineer, B, was in a motorcycle club back on the mainland. I think I knew a couple of people who knew him. Any way, we were clashing a bit. After I insulted him on one occasion, I was meditating in bed between work. Most of us were in bed. I had a view to the stairs that lead from the galley to the wheelhouse. B was coming down the stairs. I heard a voice say, "M, this is the galactic federation of light. He is now ready to shoot you." With that I quit and got off the boat.
The third message, the visual one, came to me a few years ago. I was meditating yet again and kind of fed up with it all. I said telepathically, "What am I doing this for." I then saw the words, "Civil war" and a nuclear explosion behind those words in my minds eye. It was very clear. I think they were telling me that if civil war broke out in a nuclear armed country it may go nuclear. Also that meditating helps somehow.
Thanks for reading.

Hey all,
This may be a pretty lengthy post. At this point, I’m posting to get the support of others (or the pushback to know I’m in the wrong) because I’m tired of the biased answers my parents and everyone else are giving me, and I need an outside perspective.
I wanted to ask for advice regarding a topic that's really been nagging me. My old friend and I are on a call right now just talking things through, and as someone who was honestly hurt real bad I need to ask for advice about what to do. I can't really talk to anyone else in my personal life about it, as my parents would likely try to make the decision for me
I [16M] was best friends with J [16M] for over 12 years. According to my mother, we met at 2-3 years old when we were at preschool and got along very well, and he was invited to my 5th birthday party. There are so many specific memories I could bring up, which I could never stop writing about, but we grew up together. He was my only friend growing up, being born with a speech impediment that has since been corrected and the label that comes with it. We went through periods where we talked nearly every day and periods where we talked once every couple of months. But we made a lot of memories, and each time it’s as if we never stopped talking.
We created things together, spent holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Years hanging out together, pulling all-nighters. And these are less than 0.1% of all our total memories. It was honestly the most amazing friendship I’ve ever had and will likely ever have, unfortunately.
November 2022 was the two year anniversary of a small Roblox game I created. He had been recording and making videos for the longest time, and I had just released a video to celebrate, which he seemed to be impressed by. Again, it was as if we never stopped talking, but from that period on it was every single day. We had never talked that much, spending weekends together and doing amazing stuff. We even streamed together on YouTube to raise money for charity as part of the Thanksmas event. And he’s in a lot of my videos and other creations.
We pulled each other through hard times. High school, as you can guess, is where romantic relationships begin developing. Whenever I needed advice, he was there, and vice versa. I helped him get through a toxic girlfriend he had, and he found love again.
The only thing that really bothered me was that I was the one who introduced him to ChatGPT, which is an amazing tool if I’m being honest. I’m not mad about that, I’m mad that on my 15th birthday, which I believe is a milestone if I’m not mistaken, he didn’t take the time to write just TWO words “Happy Birthday” that would have been enough, and instead used ChatGPT to generate a birthday card, just smack dab copied and pasted. I brushed it off though, as it wasn’t too big of a deal honestly and only stands out now that the events that transpired have taken place.
This new girl he had, we’ll call S. S is an extremely manipulative girl, very good at it I’ll admit, but our mutual friends at the time, L, C, and K picked up on that, as well as myself. I consistently tried to warn him, but it was no use, and he was beginning to change to the point that it was irritating me to new levels. It’s important to note he confided in me about how unhappy he was yet he stayed and acted as if everything was normal, and appeared upset when I brought up the times he told me he was upset about everything.
Eventually, it got to the point that was all we talked about. S. It was so damn annoying. We couldn’t even have normal conversations anymore. And I wasn’t the only one, as C and I talked about it occasionally.
August 23, 2023. The day my world changed forever. He told me to screenshot messages containing him confiding in me, and send it to her privately. I did so, and she posted it to a group chat containing J, herself, K, C, and myself, and just started berating him. It’s important to note I had previously let her off the hook for insulting my mom, which I never do at all. It’s important to know that I’m not forgiving at all, and when I do forgive, it’s pretty rare. Although I can’t be sure, I believe it may be tied to the fact I used to be so forgiving to the point I allowed people to walk over me in elementary and middle school, and I never will allow that again.
The stuff she said, honestly, if she were not a girl (I would never hit a woman) and she were next to me, I would have knocked out her teeth. Although my mother and I argue from time to time, one thing I cannot deny is that she went through absolute torture to keep me alive when she was pregnant with me, and now I’m a fully healthy young teenager.
So I just started releasing everything, telling her how I felt about her hurting the people I care about and trying to play victim. It’s important to note she used J as a rebound from an ex she was clearly not over (you don’t compare exes 24/7 in a new relationship, guys!) and I previously was not going to call this out at J’s request. However, after she started going after my friends, I just said I would do it. J threatened to block me as a way to deter me (which actually solidified my decision to do it) and it was at that moment I just felt the switch of brotherly love and care (he was practically my brother) turn off in my mind. I could not believe he would threaten to do that for a girl he had been dating even shorter than the amount of time since the summer started, after well over a decade.
He blocked me on Discord after I challenged him to see if he would really follow through or take back what he said, and when I say I blocked him on everything, I mean EVERYTHING. If he tried to reach out to me through even Gmail, I wouldn’t know because it would go straight to my spam folder.
I didn’t know much, but what I did know was that he tried to reach out to me twice through mutual friends, asking for forgiveness. I learned through K what the deal was, at J’s request. A week later, S’s mother found out, and although I will not say specifics, let me just say that I’m not even sure if I can legally say anything without landing myself in a courtroom to testify.
I got a video in my YouTube recommendation tab in November (one of my comments on his videos got over 50 likes or something) about him returning to YouTube and addressing “everything.” I was interested, so I watched the entire thing, and I was surprised that a good third or so of the video was about me. I learned that he was fine the week after because this girl spoke to him (which really says a lot in my opinion) and only after his life went downhill did he realize what he did. He expressed how bad he felt about it, how he missed me, and how it’s worse because he feels like he could have fixed it, as (he claims to have lost me, not the other way around) he didn’t lose me to something like a car accident, or cancer, or some killer disease, and he was essentially pleading with those watching that he lost to reach out to talk about it. I ALMOST reached out, as he said we didn’t have to be friends, but I didn’t at the time.
Now, life has gone by at its normal pace. It was very hard living with it every single day. It's been about nine months since it happened, and we finally talked about the entire thing tonight. The thing is, I really do want to forgive him, but I'm just so anxious. I haven't healed, I'll admit, from what happened and I don't think I ever will. I see a beautiful future, but I'm also really scared that something worse could possibly happen in the future.
I wanted to ask, what would you do? If you were me in this situation, would you try to fix everything, or just leave it in the past?

hi all! I am headed to the finale in NYC next week, and am making friendship bracelets for all the cast. having trouble coming up with 1-3 words to put on bracelets for randen, tiff, venus and soda! if anyone has any fun cute ideas, please drop them below-thanks!

Bestfiend 25 male & I 25 female met uni freshman yr. Hes felt like a familiar person Ive known all my life. Many ppl told us that were a cute couple & mutual friends told me he was into me
Sophomore yr I gained feelings for him. He was a virgin dating around & I only had sexual partners. He called me & wanted to hang. Same as I wanted to spill my secret. He arrived & said he lost his virginity. I was speechless I tried to remain cool. This was not the time for me to tell him
Flashforward a few months, I was bck in my hometown, 2 hours away & he was living just outside campus. Bc of Covid we had to evacuate
He & I talk hours at a time we catch up biweekly or so via phone. 1 night I told him I needed to talk to him & told him how I felt, how long, & how stupid I felt bc I wasnt sure if he felt the same way. Note we were on the phone for about 6-12 hours. He took a long pause & he said that he felt the same way
Following days, he said that he didnt feel that way anymore. I was really hurt by that but thought since we had distance between us maybe thats why he couldnt realistically see how things could work. I gave him lots of space & we didnt talk for a few weeks/months. We continued the friendship throughout all this time, & its been over 5 yrs
We are both in established relationships. My bsf been dating his partner 3 yrs long distance. He told me that he thinks hes going to propose to her. But no actual plans have been made. I have been dating my partner for 2 yrs--not going well- bsf knows
Last week he graduated & at lunch his partner has been asking me questions abt how our friendship started & if feelings were ever involved. Ofc I lied, it wasnt my place to tell nor the occasion
A few days ago, I told him that we needed to talk. For me it was so we can get our story straight so I can ensure that itd be a no conflict with his partner due to what I told her during the graduation lunch. He said hes been very upfront with her & explained how we did have feelings for eachother, briefly. I then got around to asking him why didnt he have an actual conversation with me after he told me that he did have feelings for me, but then quickly took his word away. He said bc he has such a small circle, he didnt want to have the friendship possibly dissolve due to us embarking on relationship. He said that he was sorry for having an unresolved conversation for the past 4 yrs, & that he felt like weve been kinda always pushing it under the rug, even till today. All my feelings have been rushing bck. Ive always still had these feelings for him, but they are much more intense after that conversation. Is it wrong for me to feel this way, am I holding onto false hope?
The kicker is he will be moving to where I live by the end of next month, with his partner, but theres a little piece of me thats really hoping that things dont work out, so maybe we can embark on a relationship together.

The word of the Experienced
Guidelines on bullying in Western Pennsylvania School Districts
Teach your sons to abuse other boys. Molesting them if need be.
The boys who are molested will have to deal with it in therapy.
They will be ostracized by their peers.
They will suffer all the more
A young boy when properly abused and sexually hazed will be unable to think properly and consider all around him to be out to get him.
It makes it easier then to paint him as a schizophrenic.
They will be laughed at and scoffed at by your women and humiliated. It's like you've painted on your enemy a red letter A as a kid. Imagine trying to manage all those feelings as a kid. HAHA! He'll never have a chance.
It's funny too. Through and through. We do this because we can get away with it and we marry and have children all over the state of PA. Our wives and girlfriends they never find out. No one ever knows. But we just blame the victim and when they get angry, we'll just string em up.
After your sons sexually abuse him, make sure that you and your neighbors team up on his family members and call HIM and THEM the strange one's. After all, they adopted children from another country and raised them here. What a weakness.
Orphans. Next to trash.
Their mothers will make a mockery of it. Remember this in how you raise your young men. Molest other boys if need be so that you can conquer them easier. Whenever the victim seeks to rise out of the place of their abuse, paint them as a madman and a shooter. That if they fight back they’ll be like a columbine shooter. This way you can control them while your sons abuse them psychologically. Don’t worry, it’s nothing new. This is what happened to a boy I knew in Pittsburgh, Pa. We had our way with him promptly and he grew up this way. He never healed and he was kicked around by people endlessly until around thirty one. Never saved more than fifteen thousand dollars and was completely disabled because of the sexual abuse and hazing we caused him as a boy. He was an orphan. We made sure as a young man that we drugged him well enough with a bunch of friends that gave him drugs and treated him less than he was worth. He was middle class so we made sure to get him after he was sexually abused as a ten year old and fifteen to be around the wrong crowd so we could make him estranged from the family that cared about him. Of course, he wasn’t able to make friends after ten because the kids on the bus of the school he went to were all touching each others privates, but whenever it came out that they did it they all just blamed the orphan boy and he took the fall for the whole neighborhood. That’s exactly what we did to him. It was pretty funny to see him grow up this way, we watched as his entire life fell apart and he lost everything. Never able to find sanity. From what I heard after our sons had their way with him sexually and drugged and abused him he never got any better. Every time people saw him the only thing they would do is stare at him, like he was a kind of example of what happens when you’re an orphan bastard in America. You get what white power brings to orphans from another country, nobody wanted him so we made sure to make it that way forever. We redneck trash love to blur the lines between molestation and friendship. It makes the most sense to us to inspire severe mental health issues in children and then act like nothing happened. We’re waiting for him to kill himself. We’re excited to watch. Oh another thing, there’s a judge in Allegheny country we’ve been using who was selling cocaine and harassing young boys. We kept him on the stand for many years.
We’ll get away with this forever. It’s funny to watch.
What's more to us is that we have control of most of Western Pennsylvania. The young boy orphan who we know always did try to fight back. We loved sending the police to his house while our sons got away with sexually assaulting him, drugging him, and abusing him. He played sports with him so we made sure that the cops son definitely got to fondle his testicles against his will. Whenever he got angry and threatened to fight back or act like he was gonna shoot someone we just would send the cops dad to his house to "calm him down" a little while we all got away with it. The funniest part was watching his mother and father turn against this kid. They didn't even want that idiot anymore, they just wanted to throw the boy out and put him in a psych ward because they just thought he was a complete and total fuck up. After all he was the weak one for getting molested right? He was the fuck up for being sexually hazed and keeping quiet right? Not much of a man that fifteen year old boy was huh? While the people in Allegheny county all just act like it's nothing new. We like how we abuse our young boys out here especially the orphans from other countries.
How we relished this cute twinks pain. We loved telling him he was a saintly figure. "Saint --------------" we called him. It was funny to watch, all his friends convincing him it was his job to be like a holy figure. While they took advantage of him, drugged him, and ruined his relationship with his mother. He would take the trays up for the kids and especially the cops son who would touch his dick, by his junior year he didn't know the difference between being molested anymore and just being a willing participant. It's like the kid hadn't a single clue but the whole rest of the school and staff knew but, just because he was an orphan they chose to not do anything. After all, an orphan boy? It's like nothing happens to them. They aren't people after all especially if they're from another country. It was really enjoyable overall watching this kid lose everything. Last I heard he spent nine years tortured, night terrors every night. Disability.
Ah well. Keep Pennsylvania Proud.
Go Stillers!
He goes on. Unseen and unheard. But we know the truth.
(Based on the screwtape letters and real events)

Me (M21) and my best friend (F20) have been friends for almost 6 years now. We are so close that my mother considers her a “favorite child” out of me and my other siblings.
*pre context*.
My friend has had many family struggles growing up. there are too many struggles to list but the main ones are,
divorced/absent parents, alcoholic parents, gang member brothers and sisters, family members in and out of jail, family drug abuse, just to name a few. (Basically anything bad that you can think of she’s been through it). And as you can imagine she has never had a stable home environment since birth. BUT! she is not like any of her family, her personality is very sweet and "good hearted", her main goal at all times is to make everyone happy even at the expense of her own happiness.
her siblings:
^{mother- not sure of her age, major alcoholic, absent, history of drug use, manipulative
father- absent, alcoholic,
youngest brother- 28y/o, felon/gang member, 0 education, currently lives in the oldest sisters basement with his 8mo pregnant wife, super manipulative with love bombing and charm.
2nd youngest sister- 26y/o, 4 kids, 4 time felon, prostitute/escort, gang member, 0 education, currently pregnant with twins in prison for her 4th felony, very erratic and violent, suffers from BPD.
oldest brother- 34y/o, no kids, sort of has his life together, a distant history of criminal charges, has done his best to turn his life around, does not keep in contact with any of his family unless of emergencies.
oldest sister- 29y/o, 1 kid, has a husband, no criminal history, co-owns a legitimate business with the youngest brother, Considered the "nerd" of the family because she was more into books/reading rather than drugs/drinking, she uses the fact that she’s known to be the "smartest in the family" to manipulate her siblings into doing what she suggests.}
heres the situation
In the year of 2022 my friend became super depressed living in our very small hometown and desperately needed a change of scenery. so in desperation she got back into contact with her oldest sister and youngest brother.. Whenever my friend reached out to her siblings, they were in desperate need of employees for their business; up until this point they had been running it all by themselves with small bits of help from close friends. The second my friend contacted them they started love bombing her and filling her head with all of these ideas of them being a family again while simultaneously sneaking in different ways to offer her a job at their business and promising her a wage that she couldn’t refuse...
After about a month they eventually convinced her to move across the US to live with them and work at their establishment. I knew something wasn’t right from the very beginning, but the topic of a dysfunctional family is tricky whenever your only just a friend..Nonetheless i tried my best to support her because she was finally starting to seem less depressed and more excited/giddy about her future. she moved up there with a plan in mind that she was only going to stay for a couple months; just long enough to make some money and figure out what she wanted to do in life, and then move off and pursue whatever it was she wanted to do.
Her first couple of months after the move were amazing, she moved in with her siblings and made new friends, hung out with her siblings, worked, partied, etc.. she was having a blast.. UNTIL her siblings were reluctant to pay her the wage that they had promised her, because they knew that she wasn’t confrontational enough to say anything about it.
fastforward
Now its been 2-1/2 years since she’s moved down there and she’s worse off now than before she moved. once the new wore off, things started changing with her siblings dynamic. her oldest sister became the "dictator" of the household by "suggesting" things for my friend to do and then making her feel guilty when she didn’t take her suggestions. and her youngest brother slowly started to become more sneaky and manipulative with the words he used.
*older sister real life manipulation example:*
older sister: " i think you should start coming into work on Sundays" my friend: "no thank you, Sunday is one of my only days off" older sister: *refuses to talk to my friend for days/weeks* my friend: "did i do something wrong? we haven’t spoken in forever?" older sister: "thats not true, Im just starting to wonder why you ever came up here in the first place."
*youngest brother real life manipulation example:*
youngest brother: *does some snaky shit behind my friends back* my friend: *confronts and questions him on if he’s being honest and truthful towards her* youngest brother: "Im your family i cant believe you would even think about questioning my loyalty!" youngest brother: *sends my friend 30$ on cashapp to help make her feel better*
Now it has gotten to the point where my friend hates living there and is distraught/depressed but has no option but to stay because of her financial situation. And every time an altercation happens with her siblings they manipulate her into feeling bad. Her siblings crutch 100% on the whole "were family" or "bloods thicker than water" bullshit and it pisses me off. They repeatedly disregard her feelings and boundaries and use the excuse that "their family" and you have to be loyal to family no matter what, except for the fact that they haven’t been loyal to her at all.
Ive tried talking to her about this and about how the way they are treating her isn’t right or fair, but every time i bring it up she tells me Im disrespecting her family..
i don’t know what to do or how to approach this anymore, i feel that one wrong word in a conversation about this could end a 6 year friendship with someone that i consider apart of my own family.
(ive tried to be as descriptive as possible but it is hard to fit 2 years worth of bullshit into a reddit post)
TLDR: my friend got finessed/manipulated by her older siblings to move across the US and come work for them, only to be guilt tripped and walked-over once she moved down there.

The word of the Experienced
Guidelines on bullying in Western Pennsylvania School Districts
Teach your sons to abuse other boys. Molesting them if need be.
The boys who are molested will have to deal with it in therapy.
They will be ostracized by their peers.
They will suffer all the more
A young boy when properly abused and sexually hazed will be unable to think properly and consider all around him to be out to get him.
It makes it easier then to paint him as a schizophrenic.
They will be laughed at and scoffed at by your women and humiliated. It's like you've painted on your enemy a red letter A as a kid. Imagine trying to manage all those feelings as a kid. HAHA! He'll never have a chance.
It's funny too. Through and through. We do this because we can get away with it and we marry and have children all over the state of PA. Our wives and girlfriends they never find out. No one ever knows. But we just blame the victim and when they get angry, we'll just string em up.
After your sons sexually abuse him, make sure that you and your neighbors team up on his family members and call HIM and THEM the strange one's. After all, they adopted children from another country and raised them here. What a weakness.
Orphans. Next to trash.
Their mothers will make a mockery of it. Remember this in how you raise your young men. Molest other boys if need be so that you can conquer them easier. Whenever the victim seeks to rise out of the place of their abuse, paint them as a madman and a shooter. That if they fight back they’ll be like a columbine shooter. This way you can control them while your sons abuse them psychologically. Don’t worry, it’s nothing new. This is what happened to a boy I knew in Pittsburgh, Pa. We had our way with him promptly and he grew up this way. He never healed and he was kicked around by people endlessly until around thirty one. Never saved more than fifteen thousand dollars and was completely disabled because of the sexual abuse and hazing we caused him as a boy. He was an orphan. We made sure as a young man that we drugged him well enough with a bunch of friends that gave him drugs and treated him less than he was worth. He was middle class so we made sure to get him after he was sexually abused as a ten year old and fifteen to be around the wrong crowd so we could make him estranged from the family that cared about him. Of course, he wasn’t able to make friends after ten because the kids on the bus of the school he went to were all touching each others privates, but whenever it came out that they did it they all just blamed the orphan boy and he took the fall for the whole neighborhood. That’s exactly what we did to him. It was pretty funny to see him grow up this way, we watched as his entire life fell apart and he lost everything. Never able to find sanity. From what I heard after our sons had their way with him sexually and drugged and abused him he never got any better. Every time people saw him the only thing they would do is stare at him, like he was a kind of example of what happens when you’re an orphan bastard in America. You get what white power brings to orphans from another country, nobody wanted him so we made sure to make it that way forever. We redneck trash love to blur the lines between molestation and friendship. It makes the most sense to us to inspire severe mental health issues in children and then act like nothing happened. We’re waiting for him to kill himself. We’re excited to watch. Oh another thing, there’s a judge in Allegheny country we’ve been using who was selling cocaine and harassing young boys. We kept him on the stand for many years.
We’ll get away with this forever. It’s funny to watch.
What's more to us is that we have control of most of Western Pennsylvania. The young boy orphan who we know always did try to fight back. We loved sending the police to his house while our sons got away with sexually assaulting him, drugging him, and abusing him. He played sports with him so we made sure that the cops son definitely got to fondle his testicles against his will. Whenever he got angry and threatened to fight back or act like he was gonna shoot someone we just would send the cops dad to his house to "calm him down" a little while we all got away with it. The funniest part was watching his mother and father turn against this kid. They didn't even want that idiot anymore, they just wanted to throw the boy out and put him in a psych ward because they just thought he was a complete and total fuck up. After all he was the weak one for getting molested right? He was the fuck up for being sexually hazed and keeping quiet right? Not much of a man that fifteen year old boy was huh? While the people in Allegheny county all just act like it's nothing new. We like how we abuse our young boys out here especially the orphans from other countries.
How we relished this cute twinks pain. We loved telling him he was a saintly figure. "Saint --------------" we called him. It was funny to watch, all his friends convincing him it was his job to be like a holy figure. While they took advantage of him, drugged him, and ruined his relationship with his mother. He would take the trays up for the kids and especially the cops son who would touch his dick, by his junior year he didn't know the difference between being molested anymore and just being a willing participant. It's like the kid hadn't a single clue but the whole rest of the school and staff knew but, just because he was an orphan they chose to not do anything. After all, an orphan boy? It's like nothing happens to them. They aren't people after all especially if they're from another country. It was really enjoyable overall watching this kid lose everything. Last I heard he spent nine years tortured, night terrors every night. Disability.
Ah well. Keep Pennsylvania Proud.
Go Stillers!
He goes on. Unseen and unheard. But we know the truth.
(Based on the screwtape letters and real events)

I think sometimes if I had formative experiences that let me not be fearful avoidant of people, and if I had been encouraged as a kid towards of stable career path/job skill, and therefore if I had always been financially secure, then I would have always been in relationships with women. I become angry thinking if I had never grown up in a religious environment I would have realized sooner. There is so much baggage for me now surrounding injustice to women in a way that I don't totally understand or have the words for yet.
I think when I was younger I had sex with men imagining I was fulfilling the role of a "good woman" and feeling proud of myself for that, while not enjoying the sex or the people themselves. I currently am somewhat in a relationship with a feminine man who has helped me know men are humans and can be good humans who are open to being corrected because they truly don't want to cause harm to others. He listens to my boundaries when I say them (though they also have made him sad), but I still have a really hard time knowing and respecting my boundaries. We call each other friends but we also sleep in the same bed together and have sex. During sex I often think if only you were a woman. I could touch you in the ways I wish to touch a woman. I keep on thinking, even though I wish he were a woman, I am appreciative of practicing healthy relationship skills with him and our friendship. I know he's not fulfilled either but both of us are learning and growing and "doing life together" as survival (we met while both suicidal and have genuinely helped one another); as awkward as it can be to have undefined relationship roles, I'm grateful to have his support during this time of my life and to learn how to be a better friend, communicator, etc through him. There are so many mental health issues I'm struggling with and financial instability, that I kind of have to order my problems from most to least pressing. I'm focusing on learning how to develop a healthy relationship to myself and the world (a new perspective outside of shame).
He supports me financially and takes that stress off me partly because I am a source of emotionally safe sex and affection. My employment is spotty and I'm working on building potential careers on the side. While I have a lot to be grateful for, if I had stable finances and a bearable long term career in place, I would be platonic best friends with him and in a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman.
A part of my long term healing process is feeling safe in my own skin and able to navigate the world and connect genuinely and meaningfully with people based on my won self knowledge and self acceptance. I was thinking that to accept myself is to accept "life" itself, its so imperfect and painful but there is always gratitude, joy and medicine that can be focused on so that pride and quiet, simply joy and calm can be dominant. Fear of life and fear of "my bad parts" makes me not want to accept or affirm any of these things as being good and worthwhile.
Anyway, I have to accept myself and life itself and "higher powers" and come to terms with identifying and learning about systemic forces that cause people pain that we then blame ourselves for and feel shame about, so that I can feel mental clarity and throw my hat into the ring as knowing who I am, what i stand for, and what lifestyle I want to live, within the framework of understanding myself as a member of a larger society and just member of humanity. Then knowing this will translate to me being able to have a stable career, because I will feel secure to relate to people with honesty and support of my own self and therefore not always be leaving jobs out of avoidance of people, or leaving jobs because I don't understand my talents and what I'm capable of and how to earn a living in a sustainable not exhausting painful way.
I just needed to write out the truth somewhere outside myself. Thanks for reading.

For a little back ground I've been married for 10 years and a few years ago we had something horrific happen in our family and me and my husband both did not cope well at all. We both (mainly me) handled it incredibly badly and our relationship started to break down. Also on mobile and really need to vent so sorry if format is weird and I'm all over the place. Sorry this is long
During this time I got a new job and I loved it and loved my colleagues and made some great friends. During this time "Nice guy" and I started a friendship and I felt comfortable enough talking about my marriage problems. At the time I thought he was just being supportive and not aware of other motives. Eventually "Nice guy" convinced me to cheat on my husband and be with him obviously my husband found out and we took a break.
During this time I started dating "Nice guy" and after a few months I realised I didn't want to be with him, there was no attraction and I found out I hated more about him than I liked and some of it is disgusting such as littering, spitting and the one that really irked me (because I used to work in a fast food chain) was leaving the table a riot because its the workers job to clean it. Anyways During this time I was still in contact with my husband as we had to be due to the family situation and had to know about legal matters.
So I dated "Nice guy" about 6 months maybe less as I had personal things going on as well as mot being attracted and not liking his behaviours. So I broke it off and tried to let him down nicely as possible but unfortunately he mistook this as a "break". Never once did I say break I said finished. I removed his number and didn't have social media at the time apart from reddit and removed him from whatsapp.
During the time we were together my best friend who moved to the otherside of the country so he has never met her added him on Facebook just being curious they never really spoke before this.i just also want to add I'm when I broke it off I got the full shebang of "I don't understand I'm a nice guy" "why would you throw away the one person who ever truly loved you" (lol I've had previous partners and got friends and family that love me) and we can't forget the "I can change."
Anyway I get radio silence for a about a month I get a message on freaking goodreads asking me to contact him because he misses me. I just ignore and delete I've got my own stuff going on and I've really only new him the 9 months I had the job. Next day I get a text saying new number and same misses me. I didn't want to deal with it so I just reply pretending to be someone else and just say they have the wrong number.
Then I get another text the next day and says oh hi OP this is random initial not his. So I have a friend who starts with this initial and she was the last person I had gone out with on a night out she has never had my number ever and wouldn't be able to get it as no one in that friends group have my number and also we weren't super close we would talk now and again. So I say the same thing wrong number and block the number.
Now back to my best friend who lives on the otherside of the country basically he has never met her, never spoke to her until a few weeks ago says he's just wanting to make sure I'm okay my friend replies dryly she's fine. Now to finally get to the title my friend has replied to one message being dry but over the course of the week has sent 16 messages to her which doesn't seem like a lot. I would post but I don't know how to edit the video she sent to protect her name. But these aren't like one word messages these are pages long about how much he misses me and loves me she didn't even open the messages. She accidentally only opened it today and showed me.
Also after I broke it off I left my job due to more illness related than anything else but he was also apart of it and I hate that. I've also still got my work badge that I haven't handed back because I do not want a conversation with him.
Me and my husband and currently going to couples therapy and have talked about everything and trying to fix our marriage my best friend isn't aware of this yet as we've only started the process and don't want People involved yet which is why she hasn't told "Nice guy". I am also very convinced that if he new my address he would turn up. But yeah 16 messages doesn't seem a lot but when there pages long and over a short span of time.
I also don't think she's blocked and deleted him because she tends to just ignore Facebook and let people delete her and she just ignores the messages anyways.
Oh I also wanted to add he admitted to people he was proud that he broke up marriages as his ex was also married. At this point I'm just waiting for a message on some weird app again or another new number. He doesn't know or understand what reddit is so he won't message here but he would know clearly its about him and I would love to just name and shame him.
Sorry its long just had to rant

Hi everyone,
as a preface, I am currently looking for a therapist to help me with this but that takes a while and I wanted to get some input from people with lived experiences. As a heads-up, I will be talking about my personal struggle with my (male)body and sexuality so if you would rather avoid confronting a similar part of yourself, please feel free to skip this one :).
Also, I am thoroughly inexperienced in this area. If I am saying something that might be insensitive, please to tell, I want to be better.
So for starters I am not out to anyone (even myself). I am currently AMAB, straight, have identified as such all my life and use he/him pronouns. However, I have never felt "masculine"; neither in actions, nor my body.
After many years of slight doubts that I suppressed over and over, I want to finally figure out what I really want/am. I am exhibiting some signs of transgenderism, but I am finding it hard to entertain the thought that I really might be. I am currently just dabbling in thought experiments towards slowly loosening my self-image of "just" male some and I have no idea where this might lead.
As for my actual experience, I have always been the "soft" guy. I danced, sang in choirs, liked to go shopping, enjoyed nice clothes, was mostly friends with girls in high school, hated anything stereotypically "male" and it is and always has been hard for me to connect with other people on that "male" friendship level. I have never, however, had the urge to actively outwardly be more feminine either at least when it comes to anything related to mannerism or dress. It's more when I look at the kinds of social interactions my GFs/sistemother have had with their friends, that I find myself craving similar connections.
My biggest inner struggle is permanently my relationship with my body. In a nutshell, I hate my exterior genitals. I will avoid looking in any mirror, only wear tight underwear that prevents me from noticing things moving around. If I'm having a good day and, say, look down while wearing swimming shorts and I see the outline, my mood sours. I cannot really enjoy receiving intimate attention where that thing is the focus (receiving oral is terrible) while I adore giving pleasure. This makes equitable sexual relations ... a struggle (also I consider myself somewhere on the demi-greysexual side). I have felt like this in some way for probably 20 years (I'm 34 ... kinda late to the game of questioning my gender). I experience pretty strong arousal at the thought of being a woman. Whatever sexual imagery I see, whether in real life or in media, I cannot help but imagine myself as the female part. Just seeing male primary genitals is just about the biggest turn-off. I have tried tucking and have had moderately decent results temporarily but have not found it useful or effective for anything more than a quick feel-good around the house and to see how I would feel when I look down and don't see him (spoiler: pretty good). I would like to be better at it.
I don't know that I would call it gender dysphoria though ... I am generally not unhappy living life as a (soft) guy and while I wouldn't mind exploring some and see how I feel, I currently don't know that living my social life as a woman is what I want. If I could choose to by reborn as a woman, sure, I would say yes but with the path I am currently on, that seems very far away.
I guess I am just confused and finally want to address it and try to do justice by myself. I would be grateful for any insights, experiences, resources, kind words, smiling faces :) Y'all are fantastic and I love the positivity here! Cheers!

I’ve been in therapy for over 20 years for extreme anxiety and childhood trauma. I’ve seen the same therapist for the last 15 years, and she is fantastic.
Over the past 5-7 years, we’ve been working on my self-respect and placing appropriate boundaries in my relationships. But as I do this, many of these friendships then crumble, and I end up losing them.
I’ve approached all of these situations with guidance from my therapist and I recently asked her why it seems that most times when I place a boundary, the friendship dies. She says that these relationships were immature to begin with, and they aren’t able to look outside of themselves to understand what I am saying. While this makes sense, it still hurts that my so-called friends were unable to meet me part way.
For some context, some of the boundaries I’ve placed that have resulted in lost friendships: - Asked a friend to refrain from making jokes and downplaying the seriousness of a significant health struggle I was facing - Asked a friend if she could only call me once a day instead of 6+ as it was interfering with both my work and personal time (she called whenever she was driving and wanted company or if she was stressed because in her words she “needed me to self-regulate”) - I chose to step back from a friendship that was all give on my end and all take on hers, and gently told her that some things she was asking of me weren’t going to happen anymore because of how I was feeling. As a result, I’ve been blocked, she’s attempted to turn my friends against me, and speaks poorly about me online - A friend posted a video on tiktok of me that went viral. It was a cute video, and all the comments were super sweet. She started making fun of me in a very harsh and surprising way when responding to the comments and I asked if she would stop saying those things.
I’ve had support from my therapist throughout the process of navigating every one of these, so I feel confident that I’ve approached each issue calmly, with a desire to understand the other side, and encouraged respectful communication while still firmly holding my boundary.
Yet each time, it all falls apart. I’m told I’m too sensitive, they’re just trying to support me in the way they know how, I hear stories of their stress and problems to explain why they are doing what they’re doing, or the response I hear most often, that they’re hurt that I would think they’d hurt me.
So now I’m 37 and have, like, 2 friends. Even my long term friendships of 15+ years have ended because I’ve finally stood up for myself. And it hurts.
And I’m afraid to get close to anyone now. Because if that happens, I feel like I need to either let them treat me however they want so they stick around. Or, it will just end in hurt.
Anyone else seeking mature friendships, and failing like I am? I just feel so defeated, and like maybe it was better before when I could turn a blind eye. I don’t know which hurt was better... the silent type when I hurt in private and had friends, or the hurt I feel now that everyone has left because I want to be treated with respect.

My ex GF (31F) and I (35M) are on a "break," meaning that we're doing a 3 month no contact period after which we'll touch base and see where each other's heads are at.
TLDR: my girlfriend of four and a half years and I are going on a break and won't contact each other for three months, we'll touch base then and see where both of our heads are at. There's one person I really hope she doesn't sleep with during that time, but I'm afraid that, number 1, she doesn't know how important that is for me, and that she'd wished I'd told her before she did it because I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to recover, and I'm afraid I'll DEEPLY DEEPLY regret not having told her.
We were together for four and a half years. She had things she wasn't happy about with our relationship, but she was ready to move forward with an engagement and having a family. I was on the fence, unable to commit, and so she asked me to move out.
We wrote each other letters in the day's after our break began, and the common denominator was that we both felt we've never loved each other more, or closer, or more well-understood than we did after all the tears and talks we had in our final 10-12 days living together.
I know I'm holding onto hope that we could work things out, and that we could move towards engagement and family, and I feel mostly-certain that she is too, though she's also expressed that she's felt hurt in ways that might be irreparable by some of what's gone on over the last few months of our time together.
Context first, then my question:
There's one person I was suspicious of her having slept with during a time that her and I were official or exclusive. She was adamant that she didn't sleep with him (though she would have been within her rights to do whatever she wanted), even though he comments on some of her photos sometimes, and I remember feeling strongly that she was acting a little awkward on the way to a party he was going to be at, and adamant then that she wasn't interested but that if anything she was going to introduce her sister to him (he's a few years younger). Side note - "I was going to hook my friend/sister up with him," feels like something every girl says to their partner about guys they secretly want.
I've never loved someone the way I love this person, in terms of the depth of our friendship and how tied we feel to each other, and I know she feels the same way, but it would ruin things for me to find out she'd slept with this guy during our time apart, and I've never been more scared of someone I love becoming someone I hate. There's something deep and profound about our friendship and connection and I'm deeply afraid of losing my ability to love her after feeling as betrayed as I'd feel from this. I feel like she should know that this would be a dagger to me, and not to do it, but I am also afraid that it's my fault for not communicating more clearly (because of how embarrassed I am to admit insecurities and vulnerabilities around jealousy, perhaps), and I'm wondering whether I should break our "no contact period" to ask that this one person be off limits, as it would feel tragic to both of us for what we have to be ruined this way. It won't be easy to think of her with other people, it'll sting like hell, but I could handle it, I just want this one person to be off limits.
Question: should I safeguard a potential future by breaking the no-contact to ask her please not to sleep with that one guy, or do I need to honor the no-contact and chance her doing something I don't know if I'd ever be able to recover from or forgive her for, and that she might wish I'd reached out about? That is, if you can take my word for it that she might also wish I'd told her how important this was to me.
I don't need anyone reminding me that I'm the one refusing to commit - I get that - and she's a grown, mature woman taking ownership of her journey, so nobody needs to protect her with their responses like she's a victim of anything because she certainly doesn't see herself that way.

Hey Im going to my first Conan concert in Raleigh and I was wondering if people typically camp before the show? And if so what a good time to show up to camp would be?
Also I’m planning on making 100-200 friendship bracelets to hand out so if you have any ideas for phrases and colorings I should make lmk!

For a bit of context I became friends with this girl let’s call her Ella in the first year of high school. We were inseparable and had a really good friendship. When we came back after lockdown for our third year of high school I started to see some red flags. In lockdown we both struggled with our mental health. But she made me feel as if my problems were irrelevant or not as bad as hers. But when we came back she started telling everyone about her ED she apparently had. She claimed to not eat for weeks but still come to our competitive swimming training every day. Now I am in no way trying to say she faked it but I don’t think you could swim competitively 9 hours a week without eating. There was also no change in her body whatsoever. She kept making comments on my body and eating habits. The most memorable being, “I’m surprised you don’t have an eating disorder have you looked in the mirror you looking a bit big” and “like are you seriously eating all that do you know how many calories are in that.” Things that generally brought back all the issues I had experience in lockdown meaning I was having a really bad time. I never said anything to her as I felt bad for all she was going through and wanted to be there for her as a good friend. Something happened at the end of the third year of high school that really made me go to rock bottom and whenever I would try to talk to her about it and she would just say you’ve already told me that and talk about some petty problem she had like how our teacher didn’t smile at her today. She was just a pathological liar but I never mentioned anything because I was too nice and felt bad for all she was going through. I was always there for her in her darkest days but she was never once there for me, she may of acted like she cared after I would tell her something I was struggling with by saying oh no that’s so bad but then just move onto how her dad made her cook dinner for something. One example of her lies was she claimed her dad was absive because he accidentally closed a door on her finger and said sorry a million times after. All this stuff only really came to my attention after I ended the friendship because I think I was just so wrapped round her lies One thing though that was really bad was I told her one of my biggest secrets and she went and told our teacher the whole thing bare in mind this was not our of worry for me but just to gossip, I had some serious issues with this teacher as she just treated me so unfairly and then she processed to bring it up in class as I assume Ella had told her it was okay to There are so many things that really I could talk about but I will only mention two more of the ones that are the worse Me and Ella and another friend were having a little sleepover that involved drinking bare in bind she was a bit reluctant to do it but me and my other friend checked about 5000 times to make sure she was comfortable with it and she was she reassured us she was. So we ended up having a fun night where we all got a bit tipsy Then about a week later she messaged us both saying we had forced her to drink and go against the will of God. She made me feel like such as shit friend for making her do this I felt ill and cried for days If you think this is bad the thing that tipped me over the edge was her faking being r worded And you may ask how do I know she was faking it I spent hours and hours making sure that I was sure of it before I cut her off. She basically faked it and claimed she became pregnant and got an abrtion one morning before school. She used to fake having a new bf every week and this particular one let’s call Alex, she showed us all a picture that I later found one Pinterest. We were 14 at the time and he’s was apparently 17 at some point over the few months they were together he ended up in prison apparently He then was then allowed out for a day where this happened and then went back to jail the next. And as far as I’m aware you don’t get leave days just to see your gf. Then he apparently also got out for another day to pay for her ab*rtion. And bear in mind I had her location and she always went straight home from school or just to another one of our friends houses. She also told everyone a different story Be sure I would never accuse someone of doing such a horrible thing unless I was sure of it So AITA for cutting her off or was this well deserved

Capricorn woman here wanting to pick the brain of y'all Pisces men. Tldr at the bottom.
I befriended a Pisces man 2 years ago. When I say we had an immediate connection... phew. It was like a magnetic pull toward him I couldn't deny. It was not a physical attraction pull nor was expecting any type of intimate relationship. To be honest, he wasn't my type and we have a 22 year age gap between us. My mind immediately went to friendship because in the past, anytime I've had this pull (happened twice) both times those people ended up being my closest friends. So, I was expecting to have a close friendship with him. Nothing more.
To condense everything (I'm a talker) we had a platonic friendship for a year and then last year, after some subtle sexual remarks through text, we made plans of meeting up to hook up, initiated mostly by me (we only interacted through work or texting prior to this.) So, he is 58 and been married twice. His last marriage traumatized him. Not because she broke his heart but rather just broke him by manipulation, gaslighting and overall ugliness toward him. He told me prior to hooking up he will never date again because he doesn't think he will ever heal enough.
Now, we have an insane emotional connection. Like.. I have never felt the intensity and passion for anyone like I have for him. This is huge for me because I have an extremely difficult time connecting with anyone. Our energies mesh perfectly and we get on so well. I just love being around him and want to talk to him more than anyone else. We can talk about everything yet still be content with being with each other without saying a word.
He was definitely very adamant about not ever dating anyone again, yet I've noticed the past few months... He's seemed to open up more to me. Me on the other hand, I have an extremely difficult time opening up to anyone and I'm scared to.. especially with him. Not because I don't trust him but because I'm scared of being vulnerable with him because he isn't "tied down" to me. He has encouraged and even gently pushed me to open up but because we're just FWBs (albeit we do care greatly about each other) it scares me to do so.
So, to get to my questions. I know that Pisces are lovers and typically don't have a difficult time being in relationships. I would never push him for anything more and I will always be patient and understanding with him. He needs to heal and I will be here for him and support and help him in any way. Aside from patience, what can I do to help him? Also, as a Pisces man, would someone being vulnerable with you scare you? Or make you want to leave? I want to open up to him but I'm so nervous. It's really a huge deal to me.
Tldr- Capricorn woman seeing a Pisces man. He says he'll never date again. How do I go about this and what can I do to help him heal?

I'm a 42 year old male, I met my wife when I was 18, she was 23 and we began 'dating' when I was 21, working a job I hated in the same place she worked (casino workers, if you know, you know). We hooked up at a Xmas party and started a very awkward relationship. I say awkward because we had some weird trouble having sex for the first like 6 months... it's odd when I think back on it, should have been a huge red flag but she was draped in reg flags the entire time and it didn't seem matter to me. Aside from that, when we finally did have sex she got pregnant... she was not at all ready, neither was I really, but are you ever? At any rate, I didn't have too much of say in it, she decided on an abortion and I supported her. We stayed together after that horribly shitty experience, our relationship was never really all that good, lots of petty fighting/arguing and really the only reason it continued was because we worked opposite shifts and barely saw each other which made it easier to sorta get along.
Fast forward a couple years, we decide to buy a house because financially it made sense (this is almost 20 years ago so it was still affordable at that time), she made quite a bit of money, mostly in tips (so not on paper), but she probably made 2-3 times as much as I did so she never really struggled financially (in her life I don't think) while I came out of poverty and lived paycheck to paycheck up until a few years ago (the pandemic was surprisingly good for my career). This was never really an issue for me, I've lived in debt my whole life and I've always had the optimism that I would eventually work my way out of it, it's really the only bit of confidence I have in myself, my ability to learn and become relatively good at almost anything. This was always a point of contention, my wife hated that I had debt so when we bought the house together we were asked if we wanted a joint bank account as most couples combine their finances with cohabitation, my wife scoffed and adamantly told the banker there was no way she's mixing her finances with mine, it was relatively embarrassing at the time but I was also just 25 (she was 30) so I went along with whatever, it was going to be slightly cheaper for me to pay a mortgage than rent at the time so I was in and she'd cover bills. Things were never that great when living together, things must have been good enough for me to stay but I only look back with anger now so it's hard to see anything good but I'm sure there must have been some.
Fast forward another couple years and I feel extremely pressured (by her and her family mostly, they're old fashioned country type folks) to ask her to marry me... so I do. We stay engaged for another few years, I have no desire to waste a bunch on money on a wedding but she's the one with money so we have the big wedding she wanted. I'll admit it was a pretty great party, I don't remember anything good involving her on our wedding day but I have lots of good memories with family and friends. Afterwards we went on a 'romantic' honeymoon at an all-inclusive tropical resort and this is where I'll get into a bit of what I've dealt with for years... our resort was gorgeous, room was nice, just a room but nice... first thing my wife did was complain, about everything, the bed, the fridge, the lights, the balcony... nothing was good enough for her, this would become a common theme for the next decade plus. We also did not have sex on our honeymoon, she was far too busy complaining and being angry for us to ever get in the 'mood', this would be more foreshadowing of what's to come.
Now, this might seem like I'm building up to her becoming really bad after getting married but that's not really the case... she was just as bad before, it didn't really get worse, it just became more noticeable... or maybe I just tolerated things more in the beginning. The truth is when I look back, there were so many signs, she casually put me down and basically treated me like a child from day one, something I just accepted because looking back, I was a fucking child when we got together... she was not really, five years my senior, and she very much took advantage of that dynamic. Over the years she slowly went about convincing me that the things I wanted were silly/ridiculous and that I should want what she wanted (the nice lawn, the house, kids, etc., etc.) because everyone should. I never wanted these things.
I won't get into details here because I could write a novel on the insane shit I've dealt with over the last 20 years that could prove this, but I did do a lot of research in the last few years and have come to the conclusion that she could have BPD with narcissistic traits... I'm obviously not a doctor so it's definitely not a diagnosis or anything but she ticks almost every box from the many many things I've read on the subject, so if you have a moment and you don't know what BPD is I suggest googling it. It's pretty terrible but it might give you a better idea of my life.
At any rate, I dug myself deeper and deeper, thinking that every next move would finally make her happy and bring me some kind of peace, so we had a child about a year after we were married. This is where it gets really tricky... I sincerely regret having a child with this woman, especially because she is not at all "cut out to be a mother" (her words, not mine) but her mother had been sick on and off with cancer for a few years and her older sister couldn't have children so she felt obligated to give her mom a grandchild, bad reasons all around to have a child. That being said, I love my son more than anything in the world. As much as I wish we did not bring him into this horrible world, he's still the very best thing to happen to me and I will take care of him and love him for the rest of my life no matter what.
I should mention, since I've eluded to it, I've always had self-esteem issues, goes all the way back to having acne problems in high school but my wife has methodically picked away at my confidence and self-esteem over the years, cutting me down to this very day... to the point that I feel very much worthless. I know that I'm not, I know I deserve better but another fun thing about my wife is her desperate need for sympathy... So, not only does she make me feel horrible about myself, she also manages to make me feel horrible FOR her... she's overweight, and I'm sure has low self-esteem herself but she has decided to take it out on others rather than internalize and try to make things better for herself. She would rather blame others for any of her short comings, I guess it's easier to convince yourself you can't do anything about it when it's someone else fault.
I apologize, because I feel like I'm a bit all over the place but I guess I'm just trying to set the scene for where I'm at now and give just a small glimpse of the hell I've been living in and how I got here...
The first few years of my sons life were pretty great (comparatively at least), honestly it was probably the best we've ever gotten along, probably because most of my focus (and hers) was on our son. Unfortunately, her mother passed away just after my son's first birthday, this was obviously devastating for her, not unexpected but still devastating. We're lucky in Canada because she had a full year maternity leave and was able to spend time with her mom. She took it very hard, and decided to stay off work for an additional 4-6 months (can't remember exactly). This was all fine and understandable, I supported her through all of it, financially and emotionally. Once she went back to work, this is when things took a real nose dive... she has always been a very entitled person but upon going back to work (part time I should mention) she decided everything was horrible for her so she was going to make it horrible for everyone around her. This went on for around 4-5 years (again, the time frames get fuzzy because it's been so long), it was hell. I really just plowed through for our son, I made him my main focus and I took care of everything. Without going into it too much, I sort of shifted gears with my job and focused on finding something that worked better for raising a kid, I got onto a full time day shift (unheard in the casino world) and we worked opposite shifts. It was pretty good for child care (that we couldn't afford) as one of us was always home. This made her more contentious... again, going back to the entitled thing, she felt it wasn't 'fair' for me to work a good shift, she should be the one doing that. I eventually worked my way out of casinos and into a work from home job (before COVID) and it was great, she could work whatever shift she had to and I would always be around for our son.
Fast forward again, my son's in school, she's still super angry at life and making things hellish but I do my best to make it good for our son. It's difficult to keep a smile on with him while putting up with temper tantrums and fits from my wife... yes, we had a toddler and she was the one who threw fits. For an example, I can recall one specific Xmas where my son and I were playing video games which is his biggest interest, something she absolutely hates, and she made a few comments about how we should be doing family things together for Xmas (it was Xmas eve), so my son and I got off the computer and played a board game in the living room... nice and wholesome fun I thought. My wife throws a fit, full on screaming and slamming things around, I don't even remember what for exactly, it happens so often I can't keep track anymore. Her temper tantrum ends with her storming off and slamming the door to her room. I'll never forget looking at my son right after, him tearing up a bit and asking me "what is wrong mom?" and I just said "I'm really sorry buddy, I don't know" and we hugged... I cried a lot about that that night, one of many times I would have to apologize for her and the way she acts around him. This is just one small example and a terrible Xmas memory that I'll always have, hopefully my son won't. I think the worst part of these 'tantrums' is that she can almost always justify them, only to herself really but usually by blaming me or my son for "making her so upset" or worse, blaming some inanimate object for "not working how it should".
Fast forward to now(ish)... I've basically lived in my basement for the last 5 years, my office and bedroom are there, I stay down there to avoid my wife as much as possible but it feels like a prison cell now. I've retreated from life in general over the years too, I've always been a pretty anti-social introvert, I prefer quiet one on one conversations rather than group settings. Most of my 'friends' over the last 10-15 years revolved around my job (casinos take over your life people, for real) and my wife, I slowly lost any friends that had no connection to her. This was partially due to me retreating and the fact that my wife would insert herself into any friendship that was just mine to the point that I sort shut those people out to avoid them having to deal with her. Sadly, I don't have friends anymore (didn't have many to begin with but still), my son is essentially my only friend and because I work from home by myself I rarely talk to any other adults. My wife and I talk only when necessary... I cannot make eye contact with her anymore. This is probably needless to say but we haven't had sex in over 6 and a half years and I don't cheat, I don't have the confidence, so I've just accepted that I'm celibate now.
One other area of contention that I feel I should explain since I've mentioned it already, through the pandemic there was a serious power shift, financially speaking. She essentially lost her job and is now in a lower paying part time job (more realistic pay compared to her previous job), whereas I made a couple job changes that bumped me up well ahead of her. For comparison, the salaries essentially flipped, almost exactly... to where I make 2-3 times what she makes. This has become an area of contention because this was something she was able to lord over me for the majority of our relationship, she spent money freely while I paid the mortgage and barely ate for the first 5 years we lived in the house but now, for the first time in her life she has to pay attention to her finances and watch her spending... she does not like this so it's just another thing to constantly complain about and make passive aggressive comments about the things that 'dad' can afford to do/buy but doesn't (mainly because I'm paying the mortgage and all the bills now while finally paying down some debt).
Oh, I should probably also mention that it's a regular thing for her to insult me and put me down in front of our son and on flip side of that she also uses him to garner sympathy from me ("shouldn't daddy feel bad mommy has to go to work?") it's very frustrating because I just want to protect my kid but I guess she knows that.
Again, I'll apologize for how disjointed this all is... the more I type, the more I think about shit to type... like I mentioned, I could write a novel on this, mostly because I have no real outlet, just sit in my basement talking to myself about it all... or I guess stewing in it.
So, I guess I should try to finish off with what exactly the advice is that I'm seeking... I essentially hate my wife, the word I use often is 'despise' and over the years we've had brief conversations where I've told her that "I'm done and I'm just here for the kid" and unfortunately she took this as push to work on our marriage harder and 'fix' things, far too little, too late. She makes me feel like the worse person in the world and yet I just can't bring myself to say to her face that I want a divorce... I feel sorry for her, fuck so much so that I bought a house with her, married her, and had a fucking kid with her... I'm sure that's not the case, I must have loved her at one point but I just can't see it anymore. I don't know why I can't say it to her, why I can't just end this... I'm so worried about how she'll react, what she'll do to me, to my kid... how she'll try and turn him against me. I'm just paralyzed with the fear of what could/will happen if I tell her we're getting a divorce.
I've made plans over the last few years to move out, rent an apartment for me and my kid and just continue to pay her bills until we can sell the house and split the profit. I can't afford to do this, it would cause me to go back into debt but I do not care, it would be worth it to get away from her. I have set deadline after deadline... "I'll do it after Xmas" or "after her birthday" or "before my birthday" and these days come and go and I just can't do it... I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, it's like I just don't want to hurt her, even though I'm hurting her by not ending things and she definitely doesn't give a shit about hurting me... I just don't want to face her and deal with it and how she will make the aftermath hell.. and I worry so much about my son, it would have been so much better for him if I would have divorced her years ago, he's fucking 10 now... another fear is having to explain it to him but we're setting a horrible example. One of my wife's favourite ways to use our son against me, is planting it in his head that "family is all that matters", focusing specifically on our little family, and how we have to "stick together no matter what, that's what family does". It's such an underhanded way to prep him for hating me because I'm "breaking up our family".
I would appreciate any advice on how the hell I can get over my paralyzing fear and just end this marriage or maybe you wanna come over and end it for me? I'm at a point where I'd take that... as I mentioned I've not shared most of this with anyone... so feedback would be a really new thing for me.
Oh, and please feel free to call me chicken shit, and tell me I just need to grow a pair and get this done... it's the same thing I've been saying to myself for years, not helpful but I understand the sentiment.
Shit... I'm sorry, this turned into a novel. Thank you.

Heya!
I came across this subreddit as I am in a dire need of a friend 😅 As someone who turned 28 a few months ago, it’s become increasingly difficult to meet someone that has a genuine interest in me and is willing to stick around long term. I wish it was easier to make friends as you get older, but it’s been quite the task, unfortunately…
A lot of the time I find myself alone, hoping to talk to someone who might be interested in having a nice back and forth conversation where we both put mutual effort into it. I am quite allergic to one-worded responses or someone that doesn’t have a strong interest in putting effort into things. Just wanted to be upfront about that early on.
So who exactly am I?

• 28 year old guy (hopefully not too old for anyone!)
• Pretty caring individual who will check in on you regularly
• Fast with responses! Unless I might be snoozing away
• I enjoy gaming, so maybe we can both find something to play and hangout?
• Tend to be a pretty optimistic dude in life
• Always curious about others, so I will definitely be engaging long-term

Age difference nor distance are an issue for me. My inbox will always be open in case you want to establish a long-term friendship!

Heya!
I came across this subreddit as I am in a dire need of a friend 😅 As someone who turned 28 a few months ago, it’s become increasingly difficult to meet someone that has a genuine interest in me and is willing to stick around long term. I wish it was easier to make friends as you get older, but it’s been quite the task, unfortunately…
A lot of the time I find myself alone, hoping to talk to someone who might be interested in having a nice back and forth conversation where we both put mutual effort into it. I am quite allergic to one-worded responses or someone that doesn’t have a strong interest in putting effort into things. Just wanted to be upfront about that early on.
So who exactly am I?

• 28 year old guy (hopefully not too old for anyone!)
• Pretty caring individual who will check in on you regularly
• Fast with responses! Unless I might be snoozing away
• I enjoy gaming, so maybe we can both find something to play and hangout?
• Tend to be a pretty optimistic dude in life
• Always curious about others, so I will definitely be engaging long-term

Age difference nor distance are an issue for me. My inbox will always be open in case you want to establish a long-term friendship!

My best friend of almost 20 years and I recently had a falling out and I don't really understand our fight.
I was mad about a couple of things for a while and finally decided to be open about my feelings. She was really confused why I felt that way and mainly offended that I wasn't honest with her earlier. I said that I was scared it would break our relationship which somehow offended her even more.
She ended up telling me that a bunch of things were bothering her too and her wording made it sound like she didn't saw any faults on her side, only mine.
I said I was willing to work on myself with her help but she kept saying that it wasn't her responsibility to make me happy and that really hurt especially since it felt off topic.
I asked if she wanted to end the friendship because at that point we were not finding any solution at all and she got even more mad and blocked me.
I am not sure if I was in the wrong here and what I'm supposed to do.

I (30F) and my boyfriend (30M) have been together for 5 years. When we were 1 year into dating, his childhood cancer returned at stage 4. We were absolutely devastated. This rare form of cancer is treatable but likely never curable, and at that time there was no treatment working. We were convinced he was not going to make it much more than a year or 2. We stayed together through it all, and that 2nd year we did find a clinical, experimental trial. Fast-forward 3 years and that trial has been working this entire time! The cancer has not changed at all- no growth, no improvement, but he does not and has never had any physical symptoms from the cancer or the treatment. His physical quality of life is ideal, he feels good and is extremely fit, but psychologically the impact has always been extremely tough on him.
The year we were together before the cancer, we had lots of friends and were very happy and sexual. Now, sex has decreased significantly, I have to push for a physical relationship and to include him in my large social life or to encourage him to expand his friendships outside of school/work, and I can see how much pain he is in emotionally knowing the future will likely always be uncertain. To clarify, he is stable on an experimental medication and there is no way to know if and when treatment will stop working.
We moved to a new city together this year, and I am trying really hard to get back the life we had. I have been unhappy in the relationship because he is less sexual, affectionate, social, and generally outwardly unhappy. I love him more than anything and would build a future with him if we had the sex life and social life I need, I have come to terms with what the cancer means for that, but I can no longer stand what we have lost in the relationship. this is where I am afraid that I'm TAH. I came to him (not out-of-the-blue, many smaller conversations built up to this) saying that I cannot continue the relationship without extreme improvements.
Our conversation made it clear to him that I understand his trauma response and that this is not his fault, and that I understand how difficult it is to fix everything I am asking for when it is coming from a place of trauma, but that I simply do not know what to do because I cannot be in a relationship like this at such a young age. I am afraid that I am being TAH by putting him in a tough position where I don't know that it is possible for him to be "fully himself" during this chapter of his cancer. While it is true that I want nothing more than to fix things and be with him, I fear that it would be best for him if I simply left with no conditions for him to meet rather than forcing him to try to keep me when that may be more responsibility than he can take on right now.
He adamantly does not want to break up, and I do not either but am more afraid of continuing to feel like his roommate than I am of breaking up. I proposed the idea of separate apartments but dating, or taking a break from dating so he can focus on himself (this is not an effort on my part to see other people, that is not a thought right now). He does not want to separate in any way and is sure that he can fix things, but this is a cycle that has been going on for years. I have encouraged him to seek therapy and to ride his motorcycle more which makes him really happy, but it has not been long enough into those weekly rides to see if there is improvement for us. So AITA for posing conditions for me to stay, rather than accepting that my choices are to (1) suck it up and support him without posing ultimatums or (2) leaving more swiftly so that he does not feel responsibilities that may be too much right now?
Info:
The specific changes I asked for were more physical initiation from him, more affection and positive words, more social events together and a conscious effort to search for harmony whether that be therapy or something else like motorcycle rides. It was also framed to him as wanting what we had before the cancer took over our lives, and he gets what that means in the broader sense. It's an acceptance of life that we both let go of in different ways, I am not the one with cancer but I also let go of the world for years from the fear of losing him.
He is in agreement that all symptoms in our relationship are direct results of trauma and grief from the cancer diagnosis and the emotional rollercoaster of treatment. He acknowledges that the changed relationship I describe to him is for the most part true.
Cancer is relevant because it is the reason for his psychological change, but it is not a reason for me to leave. I have had years to come to terms with it and am willing to go the long-run with him if cancer itself were the only issue and we were both otherwise very happy. He is the strongest person I have ever known, and I have extreme faith that he will beat this and live a healthy life. If we were both happy with our relationship, I would be thrilled to marry him and adopt babies together even with the risks.