some context i(f20) was diagnosed with GAD and Major Depressive Disorder around 5 or 6 yrs ago. I'm mainly just venting but if yall have any advice I'd gladly appreciate it :)
so during my Jr year of school, going onto senior year, I worked at a fast food place for 2 months. i actually enjoyed working there, and i onky got yelled at once, and after that i was starting to have some anxiety about the job. I only wanted it to be a summer job. but ended up quiting due to my anxiety making me cry before and after work. I left on good terms and my boss told me that I was one of the best workers he had in a while, and that he would miss me.
my 2nd job only lasted 2 days and it was walmart overnight stocking. I was told by everyone that I joined at the worst time and that I should just quit. 1st day was told I was slow and that I should be done before everyone because I was working with someone (she just came back after a month or 2 of not working) and that I need to hurry bc the store was behind. my 2nd day was told the something, and I decided during lunch that I would not take my last 15 min break because I was put on the toy isle with 3 big pallets, and my team lead come over and told me I need to hurry up. she was talking to some other worker while drinking coffee and laughing, so I accidentally back talked and told her that she could help me if she's standing here talking to me about it. so I quit after my shift.
my 3rd job was at cefco being on the deli on Jan of 2023 and I lasted a month there. the first 2 weeks were actually good, I was working with a friend. then after that I realized that everyone always asked me to do this and that while worrying about my own area. slowly they realized I would say yes to anything and willing to cover anyone in deli that called in, we were also short staffed. those last 2 weeks I was crying from the moment I woke up, off and on during work, after work, and before I went to sleep. it eventually got to me when I started to throw up from anxiety and then I just went up there on my off day and quit. they asked what all they could do to make me stay since I was good, but I told them that nothing would work out. and I didn't work for a year to work on my mental health
now I just started my 4th job, at the same walmart as before, for the janitor position. it's been almost 2 weeks and I already want to quit. the job isn't hard, but I realized that I stress out very easily over everything. when I'm off, I can't seem to rest because eim thinking about work. I also keep going back and fourth with the job. one min I'm like "he'll yea, I think I can last long enought til I can get in a phlebotomist classes and find a job for it too," then literally 5 mins later im crying and i want to quit the job and just end up running away and living in some forrest and fending for myself. I was applying for jobs about 4 or 5 months before I heard back from this job. I honestly didn't want it but my parents were starting to ask when I would work again since its been a whole year already. I was wanting OGP or maybe even the overnight janitor, but they only wanted me for the morning shift. I knew from the interview that I shouldn't have taken the job. I was told that the before me, they had 4 people who didn't last longer than 3 weeks due to attendance. I wasn't sure what to think about it just because why apply for a job and then stop showing up after the first week or 2, but i cant say anything since the longest job i had was only for 2 month. I ended up taking it anyways because my family needs the money, but I'm not really into money like everyone else. I was told that people mainly quit due to the bathrooms, and so far they haven't been as bad as I imagined. it's the unknown about getting called all over the store. this past Friday I was supossed to work with someone else, but he called in sick. I immediately started to go in flight for fight mode because no one was coming in until 1, and I work 7am-4pm. during my first 15 min break, I cried, like really badly. I called my mom and she talked me down and telling me that it's going to be OK. I called the accommodation number but I feel like even then it won't help. I was talking to people in a support group, but I didn't feel any better afterwards. I'm tired of feeling like this, I know it's just my brain and how it overthinks and overreacting to anything. everyone has been so nice and telling me that I will last long because im good at this job and it's only been 2 weeks. I know this is new job anxiety, but I can't help but wanting to leave. I just want to last long enough to get some money to try phlebotomy and see if that's a good career for me.
it's not like I don't want to work, I want to help my parents out and to be able to be on my own, but if this keeps happening then I don't know what I'll do with my life. I've been told everything and tired everything to get it under control, but I guess my mind and body was born this way and I can't do anything about it. I'm not too big on money either, I do want a few things but even then I probably won't get it. I'm already looking for other jobs, but I really need money for the phlebotomist course that I want to take, and even then I don't know if that'll last long. I was told by my therapist that I tend to think of what ifs and my mind tends to be in flight or fight mode if anything gets me just a little bit stressed. he's helped me so much and I'm very grateful for him.
I felt great during the year I didn't work. my mom had injured herself and I ended up doing almost everything around the house. I took my brother to work, made his lunch, and get him food or anything he needs. my sister is in college so I would take her to and from college, took her to any place she had to go for college. I took both my siblings to our appointments or took them shopping for whatever they need for work or school, or if they just wanted to get out of the house. I would go do the grocery shopping, take care of my other cousins (ones in high school and the other is in chandler), went with my dad a few times to his work when he needed help, take my cats to the vet. I pretty much did everything besides cook, but the last month of me being jobless, I was learning how to cook more from my mom, and just did anything that needed to be done.
I was wanting to work and was applying like crazy and never getting a call or email back. I thought I was ready for a job since I felt great mentally and physically, but now that I have one I feel like it was a big mistake and should've just waited for another job to call back.
tdlr; i(f20), had 4 jobs and I seem to not last longer than a month due to anxiety. i liked how I was when I was jobless, but family needs money. regret new job and want to quit after 2 weeks.

Salam everyone!
Long story short, my uncle told me today that he was going to buy a bike for his driver for daily work like bringing groceries, medicines etc,. I immediately asked him not to buy and he can use mine. I have an old 2011 dhoom bike which I don’t use now. After he accepted the offer, and being a very wehmi person, weird thoughts started wandering in my mind, like what if he uses my bike for any illegal activity? Since the bike is on my name, I’ll be the one who will face all the consequences. Especially, after May 9, where some innocent people were caught as well, I am now very very cautious about this.
What should I do? Should I ask him to sign a stamp paper that from now on, he will be using my bike?
Any suggestions would be appreciated!
Thanks.

[FIRST][LAST]
Atlantis Commission
Officer Report - Lieutenant Colonel John Shepard
CLEARANCE LEVEL 5
Well this had definitely been a very interesting couple of hours. This dimension and its people had very odd opinions and ideas. Apparently the prey species of this dimension were all obligate cowards, whose instincts compelled them to be non-violent and run from threats. At least according to themselves. There were apparently some of them who were “predator diseased” as they called it, a disease which often resulted in increased violence, aggression, lack of empathy, and unheard like behavior. It sounded to me like some form of infectious psychopathy, but the venlil assured us it shouldn't affect us since we were predators, which didn’t really ease my fears, but hopefully it was something we could figure out when we got home if it ever became a problem.
Gotta love mandatory quarantine periods woo hoo!
As scary as this odd disease sounded, my main concern at the moment was to try and turn a professed coward into someone who could at the very least defend themselves.
I looked down to the table of gear ahead of me and then over to the mostly naked Venlil to my side, and then even farther to Tiel’c who thought It would be a good idea to help oversee Farva’s rapid fire training course. I fiddled with the bluetooth earpiece which was rigged up to one of our handhelds to run a translation program to speak directly with the captain. A big step up from our unknowingly one sided communications earlier.
I stepped on the other side of the plastic table and placed my hands down upon it and looked on at my new student..
“Welcome Captain Farva to our very impromptu accelerated course on Human arms armor and basic infantry tactics.” I said gesturing to the hodge podge gear we had managed to assemble for the good captain. “Are we ready to begin?”.
She flicked her ears, somewhat nervously by the looks.
“I’d take it that's a yes then?”
“Oh yes sorry”
“Alright then, well given that most of our crew is human and the only other alien struts around naked all the time, the only gear we have on hand is for humans, So you're going to be running size smalls and it's all going to fit all a bit big” I say as I toss her the tactical vest. ”Here try this on, we can try to tighten it up if it's a bit loose anywhere”. The captain wrestles with the buckles a bit, and Teal'c helps her tighten up some of the top straps, as the Venil’s shoulders weren't as broad as humans. Farva gave Teal’c an odd look, but seemed appreciative none the less.Once finished, she grasped the vest in her paws with interest. “This armor seems quite lightweight, which is nice, weight is often an issue that causes us to forgo armor, since heavy armor would hurt our running ability.” Farva remarks. “Also the sheer amount of pockets seems quite excessive, what do you need all these for?”
“Well for starters it's currently missing these '' I hand Farva one of the armor plates which she looks over. “That is a depleted Naquadria ceramic composite plate. It’s designed to stop bullet impacts and dissipate energy weapon blasts. It slots into that chest compartment in the front and back of your armor.”
“This isn't quite what Id imagine for the armor of your kind”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Well judging by your ships I would have imagined you would put more emphasis on defense Your predatory nature would make you less likely to run away from conflict allowing for more encompassing armor to cover more than just your chest, since you have less need to run.”
She would put it like that.
“Well there are a number of reasons for that, a lot to do with those excess pockets you mentioned. For starters you will not be carrying the same amount of gear that the standard infantry unit would normally be carrying, we are preparing you for a quick in and out op. Normally us expedition teams need to be deployed into unknown territory for extended periods of time, we need to carry everything we might need with us from food, bullets, weapons, to comms gear, sensors, repelling equipment etc. The weight from all that gear adds up fast; In order to stay sufficiently mobile and combat effective; we only carry enough armor to protect our vitals, head and torso, anything else can hopefully be patched up by a field medic.”
Tielc gave his piece as well. “It is important to know when to run both towards and aways from one's foes, not every battle can be won through strength alone, but by strategy and cunning. Being able to reposition oneself quickly is therefore highly advantageous”
Farva seemed to freeze at Teal'c's statement, not out of fear I think, she instead had a distant look in her eye. To snap her out of her slump I handed her a standard ballistic helmet.
Seeming to get the idea she looked at it oddly and tried it on. It confirmed to her head shape decently well but depressed her ears to either side of her head, kind of resembling what one might imagine a sad bunny rabbit to look like “I don't think this will be something I can bring with me” she said ” I can't use ear signals and this will muffle my hearing.”
“Why don’t you keep it on for the time being, I think any extra hearing protection might be useful considering what we are about to try next.” I hand Farva some ballistic ear protectors, slightly modified and somewhat ramshackle. “One of the corporals worked closely with Nurse Fila to get an idea for safe decibels levels for your kind, we were also able to get these earbuds molded to fit into your ear canal better”
Farva took them and slipped them in. “These are a bit uncomfortable, what do I need these for?”
“You'll need them for this” I say as I unsnap the clasps on the weapons case revealing its contents.
The content seems to capture Farva’s interest, getting a slight tail wave.
“Okay So this here is a p90, It carries a 50 round top loading magazine of teflon coated armor piercing ordnance. With a cyclical rate of fire of 900 rounds per minute.”
Farvas ears perk up at this. “This seems like an efficient design, I take it these are a flashlight and laser sight for accuracy?” She asked, pointing to the top of the weapon.
“Yes we also have holographic and acog optics which will help line up targets from farther away.” I look on as Farva picks up the weapon and inspects it, testing the weight as I note that it will weigh a fair bit more once loaded. But she doesn't seem to be struggling with the weight. I can't help but notice good firearm safety as well, she keeps her finger well off the trigger and takes care to keep her weapon pointed aways from anyone else.
“This seems like a solid design but I'm not sure how useful those weapon optics would be, as they are not designed for my side facing eyes”
“I'm sure our master at arms can figure something out, why don't we give it a test fire first tho, before we send it off to make adjustments.” I instruct her on how to load the weapon and turn the safety off. I warn her of the sound it makes. And while definitely taken aback by the recoil and sound at first, she quickly gets the hang of it, she has some respectable shot groupings in both single fire and in short bursts. And keeps the rounds reasonably centered while firing in full auto.
She did a whole lot better than I would have initially suspected given her performance in the hanger bay a day before.
“The rate of fire seems useful” Farva spoke “This would be useful for our soldiers, our accuracy falters when we are panicked, and the increased shot count should guarantee some hits based on volume of fire alone” she finished with a dejected expression.
She quickly places the weapon back in its case, as if it burned to touch.” I don't know if I should be armed for this mission, at least not with that weapon, I don't want to miss and hit one of you in the back!”
“What? Nonsense, you are a great shot, and this is just a precaution in case we get separated or flanked and need some covering fire. If our guys are doing their job right you shouldn't need to fire a single round anyways.”
Captain Farva’s breathing started to hasten, earlier I might have thought it was fear, but I was starting to get an idea of what the captain's issues were. I’ve seen this before.
“I.. I can’t be trusted with this responsibility, every time I am left in charge of something, every time people put their lives in my paws I ....”
“Farva, don’t you start with me now you hear.” I said sternly, swiftly capping off her inevitable spiral of self doubt.
“But.. no.. you don’t understand”
Stopping her again I spoke. “But nothing, what happened before on that ship, and back at that colony is in the past. I don’t know your whole situation, but from what I have gathered from the crew It was nothing good. You feel responsible and it's eating away at you, and frankly it doesn’t matter if that's true or not. Accidents happen, people make mistakes, and when that happens we need to learn, take those lessons to heart, and don't let it stop us from helping people in the present. If you let guilt, or fear of mistakes stop you, then bad guys have already won, all without having to have fired a shot”
Farva is quiet for a short time, I was hoping I got through to her, I'm not the best and pep talks and this certainly wasn’t your typical weapons demo, if only everyones could go as smoothly as Ronan’s.
Farva spoke quietly, arms pressed up against her chest, she looked so sad, defeated, and small. Well more than usual anyways. “We can't be strong like you humans, we are too emotional and when we are scared we run away or we lock up and...”
“And that is clearly not the case with you captain Farva” Teal’c finally reentered the conversation having heard enough. “You have shown courage with every action you have taken so far, your actions have saved the lives of many of your crew, every time you have been threatened you acted not just to protect yourself but others as well. You attempted to contend with beings many times your size without even thinking about it, all in the effort to protect others, and this is only in the time we have known you, this speaks nothing of your actions over the colony. You are a warrior of admirable courage Captain Farva, your self doubt is unearned.”
A single tear rolled down Farva’s eyes which she quickly wiped away. “That was very nice of you to say, but I'm not brave like you say, I was terrified out of my mind the whole time.”
Teal’c looked puzzled. “I did not call you brave, I said you were courageous.”
Farva shot back with the little venlil one up one down ear flick I had very quickly learned was confusion.” I'm confused you just said brave twice”
“Hmm it appears your language does not contain the word I am using, I apologize I am not used to speaking through a translator” Teal’c relented “ There are two words I am using admittedly in slightly different forms, bravery and courage. Bravery or to be brave is to lack fear, to not be afraid to begin with. Courage tho, Is a trait far more admirable. Courage is to be afraid, to have fear, to worry about one's own mortality and personal safety. It is to acknowledge risk, danger, to feel fear, but to act in spite of it.”
“Had I not met your kind before I would have thought predators don't feel fear.”
“Everyone fears feel Farva, It is how we overcome it that determines our worth as warriors”
Teal’c picks up the p90 and returns it to Farvas hands.
“Your people need a warrior Farva, a warrior who protects the innocent and guides the lost to safety. You have shown how collected you can be in the heat of battle, You have already proven your worth in our eyes Farva, now you must do the same in your own. The greatest enemy lies not without” Teal’c places his hand firmly on the venlil’s chest “But within”.
After Action Report - Venlil Colonial Defense Force
Subject : Chief Engineer Donu
I fiddled with my holopad, Its small surface area proving to be a consistent source of annoyance in my current endeavor. Gone was the large workspace afforded to me by my holotable back in my office. Instead I had to work with the scaled down portable holotablet I was just fortunate enough to have strapped to my person when I was beamed away from our last ship. I was stuck with its smaller keyboard and slower rendering speeds.
An annoyed smooth skin alien looked over my shoulder at my device, attached to it was a jury rigged fiber optic cable, slotted into a terran silicon to crystal patch cable, which would convert the electrical signals broadcasted by my tablet into a bandwidth that the terrans crystalline based computers; which they used for highly complex tasks like hyperdrive and transporter systems; could use, and then It was patched again in a even stranger connector to patch into the odd asgard computer stones.
All in all it looked like someone tried to plug a regular computer into some crystal construct like you would find in a fantasy holonovel, and again plugged that into a harchen heat rock sauna lounge. Finally branching out from this conglomeration was a simple copper based wire that connects to a computer terminal at which currently sat the late Doctor Rodney Mckay. A title upon initially hearing led me to believe he was a medical doctor, which led to a flurry of medical questions that he had absolutely no means of answering.
While this odd alien nomenclature was interesting, what intrigued me more was his actual area of expertise, theoretical astrophysics, as well as a number of other diverse specialties and fields. Not to mention not only was he a great scientist who had he been raised in the more civilized portion of this galaxy, would have knowledge and aptitude that would put him alongside some of Aafas greatest minds, but he was also an engineer without peer, at least in this galaxy. His interactions with general Samantha Carter hinted at her possibly being his match if not more. For a species that was supposed to glorify violence the decision to have a scientist be arguably the most senior member of what was by their admission a military vessel spoke to their commitment to knowledge and understanding, a very noble prey-like goal.
I looked warily at the lines of code at my screen, the asguard translation program had earlier scanned our ship and was able to parse written languages, but complex files, like images and 3d design schematics were harder to encode and decode from our perspective systems. As is stands we have 3 completely separate computer architectures, the asguard can talk to human computers and the venlil computers can talk to the asguard computers, It sounds like we would have everything we need to get a human C.A.D schematic into a venlil holotablet right? Wrong! And you're stupid for entertaining such a idiotic notion! Parsing text from raw binary is relatively straight forward, you're just looking for patterns, repeating bit combinations that might infer letters and then iterating them over millions of times looking for patterns, letters, words, and then with a bit of help from some undecoded analog audio transmission, spoken language. This is a far cry from actual procedural communication protocols,the ones that allow for file transfers, exactly what we needed if we were to get Rodney's redesigned part schematics into a format and medium that can be plugged into a suitable fabricator. Assuming one still exists, which I can reasonably assume it does.
Speaking of which, I have just made something of a breakthrough. For upon my screen appears a simple geometric hydrogen cube, we’re talking vertices, planes, material data, everything we need for a usable design file.
I let out an excited pent up yip, the culmination of hours of frustrating software integration work. Unfortunately I startled Rodney, who lets out a panicked gasp and clutches his chest pelts with one of his paws.
“Oh god…..” He gasps, pointing at me “Please.. don’t do that”
“Sorry!” I say a bit meekly. I slowly approach him so as to not make him unnecessarily uncomfortable and show him my work.
“I got the file exchange set up, all we need from you is to finish any modifications to your part, upload them to my holopad, and then we can print away at any class 3 or above fabricator we can scrounge up on Brayga colony.”
“Ok.. um.. got it, I'm almost done i’m just you know” He points a lone grasping appendage at his screen,”Running some simulations, making sure everything is up to spec.” keeping his response kurt. “Sorry for freaking out there.”
I nod my head in the human display of affirmation and return to my workstation to further bug check my work, to test potentially problematic edge cases for when he finishes. Tho Rodney's continued odd behavior intruded on my thoughts.
I should have felt empowered, being able to intimidate this ‘massive beast’, but I didn't. I didn't like being feared, his people have been nice to me, Rodney himself courteous to a fault and desperate for positive attention.
I thought I could expect predators to be fearless but that clearly wasn't the case, rodney was fearful, nervous, had I not known better I would say defective, and while it annoyed his crew, they didn't berate him for it, or attempt to assert dominance, they encouraged it even with placating words and tried to help him through it, they encouraged and supported him like a proper herd, even if sometimes it took the form of what the human would call a playful ribbing. I supposed I could help him as well.
I approached him again, careful to make my approach known to him, making sure to approach from within his limited field of vision. He looks up at me with a wide eyed glare, had I not known him I might have assumed it was hunger, but I did and knew it to be concern.
“Uh high Donu.. um whats up?”
“Why are you afraid of us rodney?”
“Wa-What, me afraid?” he gives out a panicked laugh ”uh no no, I'm not afraid, you know just a bit weirded out I'm just getting used to you all, it's not a fear thing it's a a…. Just getting used to new aliens thing, ask Hermirod we went through this whole song and dance right buddy”
Hermirod furrowed his brow and gave an irritated sigh from across the room.
I reached out to take Rodney by the paw.
His whole body flinched at my mere touch, I quickly withdrew my paw.
“Oh.. um.. I didn't…”
“Rodney! It's okay, your crew doesn’t seem to care when you show fear, and neither do I. Why are you afraid of us? You are almost twice our size and surely double our strength, most venlil would scream and run in terror at the mere sight of you. What's wrong?”
Rodney let out a sigh. “Oh its, we don't have to talk about this, I can deal with this, I deal with scary situations all the time, it's fine, I'll be fine.”
“Rodney, my people are a very emotional, empathic people, we are open with our feelings and with our fear, and the fear of the one can affect the herd, please let me help you. I don’t know what to expect from your society but I promise I wont judge you for your fear or emotions, I mean look at many of my crew mates, we are no one to judge”
Rodney shot back “You didn't seem to be so bothered”
“I’m too old to care, I was about to retire, hell I was about to die as far as I knew, Brayga colony was supposed to be a quiet place to lay back, work on some hobbies, plant a garden and pester the young men of my colony until I either dropped dead of boredom or got lucky” I joked.
That seemed to raise Rodney's mood somewhat. He sighed and seemingly relented.
“It’s… a dumb story, I don't even know why it affected me so much, I come from a place on earth called Canada, people don't usually believe me when I say I am from there, us Canadians are notoriously friendly and I guess I haven’t exactly filled that mold for a lot of my life, but hey I'm working on it, people like me, I have lots of friends back at Atlantis” He says the last sentence in a way as if it isn't me he's trying to convince.
“I'm sure you do, Rodney, You seem like quite the charming individual when you're not cowering!”
“Ha ha thanks, maybe you could come and visit sometime. Tell that to doctor Becket, really nice guy, smart man, he would love to meet you, he loves investigating new species. But back on topic, oh boy, so me and my sister Jeannie were on a family trip to rural Vancouver to visit my grandpa's farm, he kept a lot of goats, not for eating or anything, they were essentially pets that he would use for milk”
“Wait hold on? You drink milk from other animals! Do your females not produce enough milk for their young?”
“Oh um no, we just sort of drink it or ferment it into cheese!”
“Ferment? You mean spoil?
“Yeh”
I reeled from this plasma blast of a statement, I like any right minded venlil had a number of nightmares about being an arxur’s cattle before, especially when I first learned about those things in primary school, but never once had it crossed my mind that we could be used for something so weird. What the speh was I supposed to do with that information?
“Maybe you should get back on topic”
“Yeh sorry about that uh.. Anyways the momma goat had just had a litter of babies, and their real cute when their little, so late in the day when my grandpa was asleep we snuck out to the pens so we can play with the little baby goats, our grandpa told us not to but you now how kids are.”
At this I think back to a young Nyan, as I teach him the inner working of the hyperdrive, I tell him he’s not cleared yet to operate in this engine compartment alone, but I could tell from the occasional caught black hairs and dropped writing implements, there had been a number of curious unauthorized expeditions into its inner workings, he didn't really listen either.
“My sister as always was trying to be the voice of reason, wanting to take it slow. If I was paying attention I might have noticed the angry moma goat who didn’t appreciate the strange human messing with her children.”
The color seemed to drain from his face.
“I uh…” He began to stutter again ”I screamed, a lot, it was rather undignified, she ran right at me, thank god it wasn't a male goat, one with horns, I tired to run but I was hit in the back and knocked over and kicked real good in the head, like wake up in the vet clinic a quarter mile down the road kind of bad”
“This goat was a prey animal?”
“That would be what your kind focuses on”
“Oh sorry”
“Anyways It seems dumb but I have just never been good with animals since then, especially ones that look like you; no offense; I'm getting better but when I first saw you guys in the hangar bay, I was just that dumb kid again, getting in way over my head, scared for my life. I guess there is something to be said about childhood trauma. I really should be over this, I'm getting better with it I swear it’s just”
I take his paw again, he doesn't flinch this time.
“I'm a venlil, a prey animal, I know fear, I know what it is to live in fear, It rattles your brain, it turns your paws to wet grains. It takes great strength to overcome it, to push it aside just long enough to protect the herd. Your herd relies on you Rodney and you are doing a great job in spite of your fear, in spite of having to work with those you fear. You have achieved intellectual feats that rival the greatest minds of the federation and all that while struggling with a traumatic experience. Fear isn’t dumb and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling it.”
“Thank you” Rodney says “That means a lot, I won't be like forever I promise, I just need some time.”
“We will laugh about this someday,” I assured. “Nothing as big and intelligent as you should be afraid of anything”
“Are you calling me fat?” Rodney exclaimed with fake offense.
We both chuckled.
My kind words had resulted in a more upright posture, and a more cheerful demeanor from the human, almost like when I congratulated Nyan on his work, and it got me a look at that happy snarl of his, that I was starting to grow quite fond of.
After Action Report - Venlil Colonial Defense Force
Subject : Apprentice Engineer Nyan
Oh wow! I get to write a report for this mission! I never get to write reports, Donu says they're too boring, but there’s so many interesting things going on all the time. Sometimes I sneakily write my own! Just for fun of course, nobody sees them, which is probably for the best as I sometimes get excited and embellish them slightly. One of the reports I wrote was about the time Donu used nothing but a wad of electrical tape, a bottle of high grain venlil alcohol and a pocket knife to repair a venlil medical ship just in time to get out of the way of a big scary space predator, with glowing red eyes and a million tentacles!
Anyways Im not sure If im suppose to write these In present tense first person or past tense. I asked the captain and she said it's whatever so long as I make sure any pertinent dialogues are properly quoted(“”).
“Nobody usually reads these things anyways.” She said, but this one is surely going to be so exciting, who could look away!
I mean who's gonna scoff at a chance to read about friendly predators from another dimension! A dimension of friendly predators who give warm head scratches and hand out yummy strayu not strayu treats called donuts, that are somehow fluffier than strayu, and have a nice moisture to them. I asked for the recipe but Samantha said we wouldn't have the ingredients back on Venili prime to make them, and Teal'c said the recipe is an old family secret. Its weird predators would be so protective of their plant snacks.
There are so many weird things about these predators, they have nurturing instincts that make them find us cute. They stay perfectly balanced even if they don’t have tails, swinging their arms and body all over the place to keep upright like a lopsided gyroscope, it's pretty funny looking!
They also wear artificial pelts all the time, which I thought was weird, I thought maybe the ships temperature was set by the angry gray alien since he’s the only crew member beside the venlil who walks around naked all the time, maybe he had a fit when it was to warm, and the humans obliged him cause they were worried they would make him even angrier, and wore clothes to make up for the cold. I thought this made sense, a lot of their technology does seem to come from the Asguard, maybe he has more say in the goings on of the ship because of that. But apparently humans just like wearing pelts all the time. They feel uncomfortable without them and don’t like it if you try to remove them or look up their upper artificial pelts they call shirts.
The humans are so weird, I don’t even have to embellish my reports to make it more interesting. Like that time with the big tentacled space predator. That may sound real compared to this stuff but it Isn't, Ha! I bet you fell for it at first, hook line and sinker! Like the humans would say. I think I used that saying right, I'm not sure what it means, but Shepard brought it up when he was telling a story about the wraith.
The humans are so nice, instead of exterminating their predators they try to cure them! Their doctors are working to modify the wraith so they don't have to eat humans anymore, so they can be friendly predators too.
Anyways I should probably get to the actual report part of this report. Farva says I should start after I went off with Samantha to work on some special astrophysics equations she said I would be good at. I kind of wanted to go with Donu to help Rodney get the new parts they needed, or Farva to help rescue our people, but the humans and even the angry gray alien got really weird when Farva mentioned taking me on the mission. Samantha seemed to want me to help her really badly so I didn’t mind. Samantha says I have the most important part to our mission. She's teaching me about how humans communicate through subspace, and about stellar drift equations. We are working on what she calls the exit strategy.

So I’m not entirely sure how to structure a post like this, especially as I’ve never posted on anything before, have specifically avoided it in fact, and the fact that I’m doing this at all speaks to the desperation and hopelessness I feel here. I feel that I need to try some way of seeking catharsis and advice, and I’m finally at the point where I’m looking at anonymous posting. I’m sorry if this is messy or unorganized or otherwise annoying.
I guess I’ll start with background: I’m a 22 year old guy, I’m a senior at a pretty good college in California. When I plan to graduate has been up in the air a lot recently, but I’m now positive that I’ll be withdrawing from the current term and finishing my degree requirements (I only need two more classes) either via remote accommodations or through transferable community college credit.
I’ve always known that, for lack of better phrasing, that something was wrong with me. I agonized over this fruitlessly to my closest confidants in high school, genuinely believing that there was nothing I could do to “fix” myself, and as such the best I could hope for was to make the most of the hand I’d been dealt by trying to be disciplined, which for me mainly meant reading a lot and trying to learn as much as possible.
I never considered therapy because, bluntly, I felt that I was “too smart” for it, that it would consist mainly in somebody trying to get me to adopt beliefs and opinions that I thought were less valid than the ones I’d come to on my own. I didn’t think it would do anything for me, and felt that it’d result in nothing more than a mutual waste of time. Besides, I belong to a very low economic bracket, and have no idea how insurance really works, so it didn’t even seem like a material option.
Now though, things have gotten so bad that I decided I needed to finally try SOMETHING, even though my opinions have generally not changed much. Recent events have taught me that I cannot do this alone, and that I am in serious need of some kind of help, but I feel like the only option I have is to offer myself to something I have very little faith in.
I feel that I need therapy to be something that it isn’t, that the kind of help I need doesn’t exist. I’ve spent a few weeks trying therapists both virtual and in person through my school insurance, which is (I believe) the only way I have access to treatment. I haven’t felt that any of them have been capable of doing much for me, but I figured I’d give each of them 3-5 sessions before dropping them and looking elsewhere.
The problem with looking elsewhere though is that there’s a distinctly finite pool of therapists I can access. Very few take my school insurance, and besides, I’m only going to have this for another half a year or so, during much of which I’ll only have access to virtual stuff, which I don’t prefer anyways.
Essentially, it feels like all I can do is get mediocre care for a short period of time, when what I really need is a good therapist I click with, if such a thing exists, and indefinite access to this person to really untangle some of my maladaptive psychology.
Does anyone have any advice for what I should do here? It feels like I’ve run out of road, like the walls are closing in, whatever metaphor you’d like. I really don’t know what to do, but I know that I desperately need to do something. Like usual, it feels like I don’t really have much choice in anything. I’d appreciate any advice from anyone, whether I agree with it or not. Thanks for reading.

Bitstamp is primarily a cryptocurrency exchange, not a wallet. It allows users to buy, sell, and trade a variety of cryptocurrencies, including Bitcoin, Ethereum, and Ripple. As one of the oldest cryptocurrency exchanges, established in 2011, Bitstamp has built a solid reputation in the crypto community for its reliability and security.
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5/15/24 co CEO Fortress announces closure of Fortress Mgt buyback from Softbank. Now Fortress is ready to roll at Novation Co NOVCQ a public company hidden by SEC Rule 15c2-11 with partners co investors Mass Mutual & sub Barings aka Babson Capital, Jefferies $JEF & White Mountain’s Capital $WTM & NOVCQ Board of Directors Barry Igdaloff’s Howard Amster & Whitney Tilson, Chuck Gillman, Jeffrey Eberwein, David Pointer, Tim Eriksen, Lee Keddie & Robert Pearse. These people are all connected and their 3 NOVCQ restructuring are all connected and advised by 3 third party professionals TPP Boulay Group, Olshan Law, Shapiro Sher. These TPP are no different then Sullivan Cromwell aiding the FTX scheme.
https://www.pionline.com/alternatives/fortress-mubadala-complete-acquisition-fortress-investment-group
World Leading Investors Fortress, EJF Capital aka FBR, MassMutual Barings, Jefferies, White Mountains Capital $WTM are about to create BILLIONS in Capital plus Hundreds of Millions in Cash Flow every year. This is how Whitney Tilson's pals Chuck Gillman, Jeff Eberwein and their co-investors siege control of Novation Companies $NOVC. Use SEC Rule 15C(2)-11 to drive share price down, while taking 16M or 10% of stock at pennies as partial board compensation. Equipped with 40M common shares of NOVCQ they are ready to make Billions plus Create $100Ms every year in cash flow in dividends/Mgt Fees. They have a world class roster of investors supporting them including; MassMutual Barings/Jefferies 40M and Fortress/EJF Capital 31.3M NOVCQ common shares (EJF formerly FBR is owned by White Mountains Capital $WTM). Fortress/EJF Capital also own $NOVCQ only Sr Debt to exit their 1st Ch 11 MD and was used in 2nd Ch 11 in DE filed 8/13/2024. Fortress/EJF invested a few thousand dollars in Off Balance Sheet entities Taberna Trups CDOs I & II/Kodiak CDO I, that hold NOVCQ only Sr Debt. After the 1st Ch 11 NOVCQ Board of Director Barry Igdaloff, Howard Amster hands Fortress/EJF Capital 31M shares allocated by Board at zero basis. This proves NOVCQ Board of Directors was not independent from Sr Debt Holders Fortress/EJF Capital. Sr Debt was a ruse including its use in DE Ch 11. DE Ch 11 was carefully crafted to provide short sellers a way to take tax free gains. The Board with little cash invested holds control of this former NYSE MREIT Novastar Financial Inc. traded under MREIT NYSE Exemption $NFI now Novation $NOVCQ.
Per WSJ Wesley Edens of Fortress is the new MREIT Subprime KING after restructuring Mr. Cooper $COOP and OMF One Main aka LEAF AIG and Citi Bank Subprime CaPersonal Lending unit, and RITM/NRZ and Dynex Capital DX. Manny Friedman Founder of EJF Capital formerly FBR Friedman, Billings Ramsey, is regarded as a leading MREIT expert. They control Novation Companies Inc. NOVCQ thanks to $NOVCQ Board of Directors who they have a past relationship. They renamed Novastar Financial Inc. former traded NSYE as $NFI to Novation Companies, which owns MREIT Novastar Financial Inc., renamed Novastar Mortgage inside 2nd Ch 11 in DE. A new 8-Member Board is waiting in the wings with new name/symbol. I have been told they have big plans for NOVCQ only operating unit http://healthcare-staffing.com HCS which owns and conceals Medmasa http://medmasa.com
I believe they will merge HCS/Medmasa with Jeff Eberwein Hudson Global $HSON to create quarter billion tax free BPO public company. Jeffrey Eberwein is the former NOVCQ COB/CEO that managed 1st Ch 11 in MD with Shapiro Sher. Eberwein is now COB/CEO of Hudson Global $HSON. This merger will monetize NOVCQ $730M NOLs just like both CH 11 the 1st in Maryland, MD & 2nd or last in Delaware, DE. Both used Sr Debt as ruse to execute both Ch 11s which have gone to great length to save NOVCQ $730M NOLs. 2022 NOVCQ triggered SEC Rule 15c(2)-11 which allows NOVCQ to remain public but conceals who is buying NOVCQ as only Expert Investors can accumulate NOVCQ like Putnam Inv. Goldman Sachs, Blackrock & David Dreman of Dreman Value Mgt. and Thomas Akin Talkot Capital fund owns 1.9M common. This SEC Rule is postured as way for small public company to remain public and not have the cost burden of SEC filings. What it really does is stops Retail bid/ask and allows Expert Investors in the know to front run a public company before rolling out true reorganization plans.
They are ready to change Novation Co $NOVCQ name and brand so as to eliminate any reference to the prior board or brand. This is how they roll. I believe they will present the new name/symbol and 8-Member Board comprised of Fortress, EJF Capital aka FBR people once Fortress Management close Softbank SALE of Fortress (DONE See Top 5/15/24 Announcement) to them and Mubadala Investment Company ex Fortress executive Rajeev Misra. Whitney Tilson close small cap co-investors Chuck Gillman, Jeff Eberwein are at the center. I’ve been told they do nothing but sure things. Former George Soros Investments Portfolio Mgr. Jeff Eberwein Wharton MBA, is ready to take $NOVC http://medmasa.com conceal behind http://healthcare-staffing.com & $730M NOLs. This 8-Member Board connected to past Board Members Jeff Eberwein, Chuck Gillman, Barry Igdaloff, Howard Amster I believe will merge Medmasa/HCS with Hudson Global $HSON (see Jefferey Eberwein Form 4s at $HSON & Form 4s filed at NOVCQ between April-Oct 2015 via his fund Lone Star Value Mgt.). Jeff Eberwein & his clan including Whitney Tilson/Chuck Gillman were introduced to the present day NOVCQ Board Barry Igdaloff, Howard Amster. Wes Edens, Founder of Fortress hide their identity behind Off Balance Sheet OBE Entities Taberna Trups CDOs I and II and former FBR Friedman, Billings, Ramsey now called http://EJFCap.com also hide their identity behind OBE Kodiak CDO I.
Fortress/EJF own at the same time both the only Sr Debt to exit 1st Ch 11 MD and months afterward 31M NOVCQ common (9M NOVCQ common shares plus 22.250M Ten Year Warrants. There are co-conspirators with NOVCQ board of directors that own 40M NOVCQ Common & MassMutual & Jefferies own 40M NOVCQ common shares. Novation Companies Inc. $NOVCQ submerged shareholder plans and value under SEC Rule 15c(2)-11 to sub penny stock that can only be traded today by Expert Investors defined by this SEC Rule. Fortress/EJF Capital paid almost nothing for OBEs yet they have spent at least $2M cash in the last Ch 11 in DE. They have every reason to do something big.
I believe that something will be splitting NOVCQ into two tax free public companies worth BILLIONS plus Hundreds of Millions in annual cash flow in MREIT Dividends & Lucrative Mgt Fees just like Fortress did a LEAF/One Main OMF, Newcastle that is New Residential $NRZ now Rithm Capital $RITM and $GCI formerly New Media NEWM and New Senior $SNR sold for over $2B. $RITM aka $NRZ in 2019 10K documented that shareholders paid Fortress over $250M in Mgt Fees annually, plus dividends. Fortress terminated the NRZ/RITM Mgt Deal for cool $400M (simultaneously changing Name/Symbol to Rithm Capital $RITM). NOVCQ Dark Horse are their plans for NOVCQ only operating unit HCS aka Medmasa http://medmasa.com concealed by CH 11 in DE. Medmasa NOVCQ only operating unit is http://healthcare-staffing.com NOVCQ former MREIT NYSE $NFI now named Novastar Mortgage is the Board, EJF Capital and Fortress ticket to monetizing rights (see Exhibit 2.1 of Q3 2007 10Q Service Rights Transfer Agreement Sec 5.04 that defines these rights as Cleanup Call Rights CCR well know to these MREIT experts) that control billions of rich, seasoned collateral assets ideal to be leveraged and securitized into MREIT dividend & like RITM aka NRZ another external management fee for Fortress and/or EJF. Fortress/EJF Capital then FBR did this with NOVCQ Board Barry Igdaloff, Howard Amster 2000-03 at Dynex Capital NYSE $DX. Ask Igdaloff helpers Thomas Akin former CEO/COB of DX he holds 1.9M of NOVCQ in his fund Talkot Capital. Thomas Bruce Akin sat on DX Board for years with NOVCQ Chairman Igdaloff. Igdaloff served 20 years on DX Board per DX 8K 9/3/2020.This is your chance to do what is right. ====================================== ALTERNATIVES
May 15, 2024 12:04 PM

Fortress, Mubadala complete acquisition of Fortress Investment Group

LYDIA TOMKIWERIN ARVEDLUND

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Drew McKnight and Joshua Pack
Fortress Investment Group, an alternatives manager, and Mubadala Investment Co., the investment arm of Abu Dhabi’s $276 billion sovereign wealth fund, completed their acquisition deal May 15, and as part of the close, Fortress management now owns a 32% equity interest.
Mubadala owns the remaining 68%. The acquisition, through Mubadala Capital, is for the 90.01% of Fortress equity that was held by SoftBank Group Corp., according to a news release. The terms of the deal were not disclosed.

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Mubadala seeks co-investors for Fortress in effort to clear U.S. security review SoftBank-Fortress deal turns attention to future arrangements with private equity firms
Fortress’s sale of majority equity was approved by the Committee on Foreign Investment in the United States after concessions were made to let Fortress keep data and technology in the U.S., the Financial Times first reported last week.
Fortress, which had $48 billion in assets under management at the end of 2023, said it expects the new joint venture to help it further establish itself in credit and real estate in both public and private markets. Fortress pointed to Mubadala Capital’s global network to help expand client relationships.
“This is a true landmark event for Fortress, for our employees and for the clients we serve,” said Fortress co-CEOs Drew McKnight and Joshua Pack, adding, “We have strengthened alignments of interest, put significant management skin in the game, and deepened our long-term partnership with Mubadala, one of the world’s most highly regarded investors.”
As part of Fortress management now owning a 32% equity interest, its management is entitled to appointment of a majority of board seats. McKnight, Pack and managing partner Jack Neumark were the largest individual investors in the buyout and were joined by about 150 members of the firm.
Mubadala Capital’s CEO and managing director, Hani Barhoush, continues to serve on the Fortress board, a position he has held since 2019 when Mubadala initially invested.
Fortress will continue to operate as an independent investment manager under its own brand and with full autonomy over its investment process and personnel.

1. ALTERNATIVES

At the dinner table the other night SS17 started this super fake heavy breathing clutching his throat and making a pained face. It was VERY obviously fake and when we didn’t do anything he stopped after a minute completely fine went back to stuffing his face. There was no wheezing, breaths were normal depth all long and deep, not shallow or short. I have had asthma diagnosed since I was 15ish but probably had it all my life.
I asked my husband later about it and he said the day before SS17 had asked randomly if you can develop asthma out of nowhere. Before that he had told his dad he didn’t want to play football anymore because for his senior year he will be on the JV team. Background, this kid is lazy and has to be pushed to do anything. He’s smart and he is not depressed, but would much prefer to eat, sit, and play with legos than anything else. (And no he does not have ADHD). We’ve told both of my SS that they have to play a sport in school. They are athletic, healthy, capable and need the activity and the experience of being on a team. They come home from a month at their mothers with quite of bit of extra weight on them and tell us how they sat and played video games the entire time and ate junk food.
We did not force them to choose football, they both got into it and SS17 has been paying for four years and every year he expressed that he’s really glad he’s on the team. He will complain once in a while about practices and right now he’s going into spring training after mostly doing weights all winter, so I’m sure he’s getting pushed more which he hates. He doesn’t work very hard at it so of course he doesn’t get much playing time but he gets to travel with the team and they actually won their state championship this year.
Anyway, his pride is hurt because he didn’t get put on varsity, yet he won’t work hard. He can choose a different sport OR get an after school job. We’ve told him those are the options, he has to do at least one but can’t do both bc that’s too much. Anyway, so I’m suspicious immediately of any sudden health issues he’s having that look extremely fake, PLUS he has a physical for sports next week… timing…
On top of that my SO told me BM historically has faked illness to get out of things. She was in the military and faked asthma (ding ding ding) to get out of things. I would put MONEY on him complaining about football to her, her either making a comment about having asthma and getting out of things but I wouldn’t put it past her to straight up coach him to fake it for the physical.
We’re going to skip the school physical and he’s going to have his done by our family doctor so my husband can be there and someone who knows him is checking him out. But I’m just sick of the bs BM is teaching these boys. She doesn’t have full custody, sees them periodically through the year and they talk to her on the phone weekly.
Just venting… anyone else deal with BM coaching or planting ideas about poor behaviochoices with SKs?

My review:
This should have been more thoroughly edited.
I want to preface this by saying I read this book in one sitting. It wasnt very captivating. It was kind of boring. Being a full fledged obsessed hunger games fan to this day… i already knew a lot of the info. It wasn’t anything SO interesting i’d demand you’d buy it.
I also want to say i’m very harsh because it is not fair the way she marketed it. There is so much info BEYOND THG. She had too minor of a role in the FIRST movie to be able to market it as a Hunger Games book. Her whole screentime was what.. 4 or 5 scenes? So 5 minutes MAX?
If it were marketed as an all encompassing memoir of her career, I would not be as upset. In addition, there are numerous inconsistencies she blatantly mistold. It’s a very amateurish novel pushed onto us Hunger Games fans in a means (I think) to get money off of the recent release of TBOSAS/hunger games fan resurgence.
Things that stuck out to me/new info I learned:

1. There are numerous inconsistencies. ie Katniss retrieves a knife from Glimmers dead body
   
2. Lots of talk about other movies/not appropriate references that contribute to the memoir
   
3. She ships Glato… not Clato. Yuck
   
4. Leven Rambin definitely looks at reddit and mentions this in the book
   
5. Definitely some interesting.. kind of controversial things. She compared the Doubletree Hotel to living in Panem in the districts (wtf???)
   
6. Has a holier than thou personality displayed in the book.. “I was more senior.. had more experience… oldest on set”
   
7. She had like 3 crushes on people on set. Dayo (Thresh), Alexander Ludwig (who she referred to as Xander, aka Cato, and Seneca Crane (i forgot his irl name) she also talks a lot about dating. Claims she never dated Cato, all they did was kiss. She mentions this like 10 times
   
8. She talks about severe diets, not eating, etc to lose weight rapidly (in extreme detail). Kind of needs a TW imo / or not as much detail as it may paint the wrong idea of encouragement to do it to lose weight.
   
9. Saying the games were glamorous/fun/fabulous because of Glimmer
   
10. Lots of talk about other cast members but not really a lot of “behind the scenes stories” we haven’t heard. Most of it was just centered around heher thoughts
    If you want more info of behind the scenes, theres tons of camcorder content recorded by Amandla and Jackie. If youre interested let me know & ill find it.
    
11. Plans on writing another book/full memoir
    
12. She discusses what it felt like to become an actress/discussing the anxiety and being uncertain of herself. Talking about persevering through. I really appreciate this part of the book, its very motivational
    
13. Theres maybe 20 pictures in the whole book. Nothing really of any magnitude. She describes it as a library of photos. It is nowhere near that
    
14. The cover is literally hunger games slander. Editing and the cover im pretty sure was done on Fiverr (she shared this in the Instagram groupchat I believe).
    

Overall thoughts. This should not have been marketed as a solely hunger games book. It was relatively short. It had way more than just Glimmer in it which makes it unfair to solely market it to THG franchise.
Imo, I believe the book should have been fleshed out as her whole career. It wouldve been worth buying for $10. There were a lot of errors and confusing parts. Lots of run on sentences I had to reread.
For $10… was it worth it? No.
It was formatted kind of weird on Kindle. Best part were the pictures at the end.
If you guys have any questions let me know.
I wanna hear everyone’s thoughts.

I am a 20 yo male who just accepted an internship in the Newark area. I am looking for a short term summer lease or sublet in the general Newark area. I can move in as early as June 1st and would like to stay until early to mid August. If anyone knows any individuals looking into subletting or needs a summer roommate, let me know. Incoming senior in college.

In 2011, shortly after I came out to my wife, a friend recommended that I attend support group for gay, bisexual and questioning men who are married to women called Gamma. Gamma has been around since the late 1970s and provides support for men no matter where they live. There are local Gamma groups in the United States, Europe and Australia that host both virtual and in person Gamma support group meetings for men. The virtual meetings are open to men no matter where they live.
Since 2013 I have been facilitating meetings. One of the things I love about Gamma is that it doesn’t tell men what to do or what path to take. Some men choose to come out while others choose to stay in their marriage. Gamma honors whatever choice men make about their lives.
There are weekly meetings over Zoom that are open to any man. Gamma hosts a private email group where men can post about their journey, find community and support, and learn from other men. The Washington, DC Gamma group also hosts meetings just for bisexual men every few weeks. Meetings are posted on private Meetup groups where men can RSVP to attend.
Gamma’s online meetings are free and open to any man no matter where they live.
For more information check out www.GammaSupport.org.

Hi I had some questions about cougar promise, and how it works. I’m currently a senior, entering UH for the 2024-2025 school year. I received almost 20k in aid from scholarships, and FAFSA, and if I decide to work( work study) and take out loans, I’m getting around 31,000 this year. I’m planning on living on campus, as well as getting a meal plan (mandatory anyways). The tuition (around 14k), meal plan(4k) , and housing( 8k) would total around 26 thousand just this year. (I’m rounding up). I heard somewhere that cougar promise works with the grants and FAFSA to cover tuition, but I already have a lot of aid already so I’m wondering if it would even make a difference? I currently have a full time job and I’m planning on saving up for the meal plan because that’s the only thing that I’m short for. I live around 44 miles away from Houston, so I kind of HAVE to live on campus. I’m also not trying to depend on work study (in case I don’t get a job in time on campus) as well as taking out loans. I also JUST got the cougar promise email today, so I’m assuming they started to send them out.

Hi, I know some of you have been interested in Joost’s written stuff, so this is one of them. It’s a short story that Joost wrote for Boekenweek voor Jongeren (Book Week for Young People) in 2019. There’s more info about it here (in Dutch) https://www.vice.com/nl/article/qvgzpv/joost-klein-schreef-een-kort-verhaal-over-een-wilde-nacht-in-berlijn and there was also this promo video for it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wx7wxnpxps0. It's been translated from Dutch - maybe not the most perfect translation but it's readable. Original in Dutch here. Enjoy

"How come he suddenly has cash?" I looked at Gurb, but he avoided my gaze. Louis never had money and yet he was buying another round. Meanwhile, a Moby song was playing and nothing made sense. "If he has money for drinks, he can surely pay me back, right?"
Just a few hours ago, I was alone in Berlin. Now, ten hours later, I'm standing in some obscure techno club with my best friends. Loud rock music with drunken shouting. "Hey, Miss Murder, can I make beauty stay if I take my life?" I woke up that day with a mild hangover from the lonely yet people-filled night before. Perfect conditions for a 20-year-old dropout.
The Hard Rock Café was the most beautifully ugly place in Berlin. Gurb had driven for seven hours straight in his mother's car, but we didn't notice. An iconic black Mini Cooper. Your body leads your mind, the beat never stops, and you can conquer the world. Louis threw in another crazy dance move. We were happy.
"Do you want another drink, brother?" Gurb asked me, half shouting. An evening filled with rhetorical questions. He saw me dancing and already knew the answer.
Gurb always had money. Louis, on the other hand, never did. Louis was also the youngest of us three. He had just turned 18. I wouldn't call him a cunning fox. More like a jack-of-all-trades. Like the time he made a lot of money on a Wadden Island with a group of boys. They sold large blocks of hash.
"Crazy dude!" I shouted at him. He yelled something back.
"Do you remember back then?" Louis said.
"Back then? Back then? Yeah man, of course!" I had no idea what he meant. "Do you mean the party?"
"Do you mean the party, he says! This guy. When I look at you like this, it makes me happy. The exact same kid is here letting loose just like back in high school!"
We knew each other from secondary school. He joined when I was in the second grade. He was very intelligent. Too young, too much knowledge of the world. His mother is from Brazil. We often went to his mother's place to play on the Playstation Louis and I had bought together.
I lived everywhere at that time. In the crisis shelter where I stayed for a while, for example, I wasn't allowed to have a Playstation. So we set it up in an accessible place, near school. It was always fun with Louis. Going together to the Apple Store. Taking all kinds of photos with all the webcams, posting them on Hyves, and then leaving. Louis always knew how to cheer me up.
"Aaaaaaaaaa!" There was Gurb with five drinks in his hands. Gurb was wearing a blue checkered shirt. Two buttons undone. Hair slicked back. "You look good, brother!"
"You look fresh too! We all look fresh!" Gurb said enthusiastically. Louis was wearing a completely white outfit. We quickly bought this before going out. He also bleached his hair.
"You look like the Brazilian cousin of James Dean in these clothes," I said. Louis laughed. "Let me take a picture."
Suddenly, the DJ switched to some kind of techno. "Ah, here Berlin briefly takes off its mask." I was fine with it all. Louis was talking to a lady.
Voluptuous breasts, I thought to myself. He gave her one of his two drinks.
"He's with a girl and he's thinking with his dick," I said to Gurb. "Let him be, tonight Berlin is ours!"
The bass kept pounding. "I simply don't have the patience for the club," I said to Gurb. He looked surprised. Like a sweet dog, tilting his head. "I'm just waiting for tomorrow. Can't do my thing here. Don't have patience for the already known. I want adventure and I want it now!"
Gurb started laughing. "Patience is a virtue." Yes. Patience is all well and good, but I think it's a waste of my time. Gurb grabbed my shoulder.
"I think it's time for another beer."
Louis and I were walking through Leeuwarden a year ago when suddenly a red Ford Ka stopped in front of us. It was Gurb, casually driving around the city. He invited us into his car. We hopped in. Since that afternoon, the three of us were together. A few months later, Louis got a tattoo on his ribs in honor of our friendship. It was the name of our group chat. Braddar Force Indigo.
There were also days when Gurb would take me for a drive around Friesland. He reminded me how beautiful Friesland is. The world doesn't spin there. The newspapers I threw away in the Stiens forest in 2011 could still be lying in the same spot, so to speak.
Just before midnight, I found myself in line for the restroom. My eyes fell on a pair of striking shoes. Cigarette smoke invaded my nose for the fourth time. "Müssen Sie eine Zigarette haben?" a female voice spoke to me. I felt like Tom Hanks in the final scene of Angels & Demons, where the new pope first steps onto the balcony. The curtains opened. There I was, witnessing an important moment in history. I was just told how I was sent by God, but my ears didn't want to hear any of it. At least that's how I felt. My mouth was empty. I had no words left. That's when I knew for sure. Berlin might really be as crazy as literally everyone says.
Dark blond, silky hair. Was this real beauty then? She wouldn't look 40, but I think she was. A true woman. Beautiful in all her elegance. I always joked about being interested in older women, but tonight one stood in front of me. "I don't smoke," I said to her.
Someone tapped me. "Please, just go to the toilet!" He was right. I hadn't peed in a while either. My urine was cloudy. "Glomerulonephritis," I said to myself on the toilet. This is an unusual condition. It's an inflammation in the kidneys, I thought I remembered. They should never have given me access to Google.
The evening progressed, and Louis kept buying rounds. "But seriously now. How does Louis suddenly have all that money for drinks?" I asked Gurb. He was outside smoking with a group of Swiss girls. I had strategically positioned myself so that I could always leave the crime scene if necessary.
"You shouldn't ask me," said Gurb. He was laughing with the temporary girlfriend group of Louis. Gurb has a beard. A lot of chicks like that. I get it too.
As much as I enjoyed Louis and Gurb being here for me, something didn't sit right with me. It couldn't just be about the money. "What's up with him?" I heard one of the Swiss girls say to Gurb.
Those kinds of questions really tire me out. "Not much, with you?" I replied.
They all started laughing. "That's not what she meant, brother," said Gurb.
"I couldn't care less whether she meant it or not. Send that brace-face back to Switzerland. Don't drive me crazy, alright!"
Actually, I hadn't drunk that much that evening. "Two vodka Sprites, please!" It's rare for me to get just one drink. "I always get two drinks, then you have to wait shorter for the third one!" Maybe the alcohol was affecting me more than I wanted to admit. Oh well, it was still the three of us against the world.
"Nice shoes, are those Prada?" I asked a random girl at the bar.
"No, these are fake. Why would I buy real ones for 600 dollars if I could just buy these for 20?"
"..."
I'm not very good at that. Talking. To women.
Louis and Gurb were in the smoking area now. It was less blue than the dance floor itself. My clothes already stank, so a visit to the smoking area couldn't hurt. "These people are so underground!" Gurb shouted. Louis was filming him with his phone. "These people..." There was a brief pause. As if Gurb forgot the only line he had. "...so underground!" All three of us burst into laughter. The alcohol flowed through our veins as if it came from the purest mountains. People seemed doubled and the room was full. We had been in the same club in Berlin for several hours.
"Leonardo! What are you hiding from the big boss?" I sometimes called Louis ‘DiCaprio.’ "You a rich guy, now?" I said, with an accent as if I were from the Bronx.
Louis started laughing. "Eh, you know nothing. Bullshit talk."
I had to laugh too. What was I even worried about? Friends are friends, with or without money. That shouldn't matter. Louis probably just worked for that money. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. Maybe he just had enough to buy rounds. But what if my gut feeling was right? That feeling was never wrong. Except for that one time at the Holland Casino in Groningen. Even the best of us have slip-ups. I was just getting worked up again. When it comes down to it, Louis is one of the sweetest guys I know. I had to let it go. After all, it's still Louis.
"I think I'm going to have sex soon, man," Louis said.
"With who?" I asked immediately.
"That one girl."
"Which one?"
"The one with the boobs."
"Oh, her. Just be careful."
"What kind of reaction is that?" Louis asked indignantly.
I'd only had four drinks, but I was acting like a mess. Louis was right. I didn't understand myself. Where was my head at? I'm here in Berlin, supposed to be having the time of my life, but here I am feeling lonely and sad again. Joost once again couldn't control his emotions.
"Sorry," I suddenly said to Louis. "Sorry for my behavior. Been acting dumb towards you all night. It's unnecessary." Sometimes I have that. Mood swings. "Know that crime is never the solution. We've talked about this so many times. Yes, it's tempting and sometimes easy money. I sometimes find it amusing too, but it's always hypothetical. Ask me for help. I can help you, even with illegal things. I'll always have your back." The dancing was kind of over.
The words I had just placed on Louis's plate came from my heart. My Frisian, irregular boys' heart.
Crying in the club. I had never seen myself like that. Crying, yes. In the club, no. I never understood the taboo around crying. Or emotions in general. I saw myself in the mirror. They weren't tears of joy. They weren't tears of sadness either. It was me letting everything go. All the emotions I had ever felt. The emotions I felt between my brother and sister and myself because they wanted to take on a parental role over me, but I was in puberty, so I pushed them away. The emotions I felt when my old neighbors were supposed to take care of my dog, but didn't tell me that he was bitten by one of their dogs. They didn't have money for the surgery, they later told me. They were ashamed of their lack of money. My dog died from this injury. Even the emotions that were all jumping at once during the retake for my swimming diploma A, I let go of.
No emotions. Just for a moment, not feeling anything. Is that too much to ask for?
"You still don’t smoke?"
It had to be the voice of the woman with the cigarettes. I looked over my shoulder through the mirror. It was her. The one with dark blond, silky hair.
"Not to be rude, but this is the men’s room," I said. She took a step closer and kissed me on my lips. It tasted like more. We started kissing. It had been a while since I had had female contact at this level. It probably didn't look good and it didn't feel good either. She started kissing my neck. Slowly, I noticed the pressure in the erectile tissues of my penis starting to increase. "I really don't have time for this!" I thought to myself. The woman with the cigarettes started to slowly sink down until she was on her knees. I didn't want this. Not now, not like this. She unraveled my penis from my Polo Ralph Lauren underwear. Her tongue was blue. It was probably from cheap shots of alcohol.
Was this real beauty then? Was this the beginning or the end of her story? And had I become the boy my parents hoped I would be? I thought about the fact that this was once someone's little daughter. Somewhere in the world, an old man might be wondering what his daughter is doing. Am I really putting pleasure above my own morals and values?
With my semi-erect circumcised penis still exposed, I lifted her up. After giving her a kiss on her forehead, I pulled up my pants and left the toilets.
It was the usual last hour in any club ever. I met Louis and Gurb at the bar. "Should we have another drink?" I asked Gurb. "I feel like having a cocktail. Something sweet. Lots of sugar. What about you?"
Gurb looked at the menu. "A cognac would go down well right now."
"A cognac? You're only nineteen!" Gurb and Louis laughed. "Two Tequila Sunrises please!" I called to the bartender. "Also, two beers! Thanks!" I also got a beer for Louis. At first, I didn't want to, but I didn't want to spoil the mood either. Besides, I didn't want to show too much that it bothered me so much.
We danced away the last minutes. The club closed, and we decided to walk with the group of Swiss girls. Apparently, they were staying nearby.
As I lagged behind the group, one of them tried to start a conversation with me. "Are you okay?" she asked kindly.
"I'm fine. Just had too much beer. Makes me sleepy." Not true at all, but I've heard people say that.
"You’re tired? The fun has only just began!" And as she said this, she pulled something out of her inner pocket. Her clenched fist, shielded by a half jacket. Who is this girl, anyway? I thought to myself. She opened her hand flat, and right in the center of her palm lay two small pills with a smiley face on them. At least, they looked like it.
"Oh, I don’t do drugs. Sorry."
"Me neither!" And she swallowed a pill. "Now it’s your turn... Or are you scared?"
Scared? Who did this crazy Swiss witch (with really beautiful eyes) think she was. With her "are you scared". I'll show her who's scared.
"Scared? I’m not scared." I picked up the remaining pill and swallowed it.
Everything went in slow motion. Was this who I had become? Was this the same boy from high school? And just before I could swallow, I spat out the pill. She was shocked. I picked up the pill again, dried it with my jacket, and put it back in her fist. "Maybe later!" I shouted, running back to the group, over my shoulder.
I have nothing to say to 9 out of 10 peers I come across. Of course, I can be social. I can also have fun with random people in random situations, but that night, it just tired me out. I also didn't understand what we were doing there. Those girls found me strange anyway. Suddenly, I was the fifth wheel.
"We know this place where they go until 7 in the morning!" The girl leader of the group spoke. I wanted to go home. "If you guys want, you can go. Don't worry about me," I said to Gurb and Louis. The boys had a brief discussion. We agreed to stay for just a little while longer for some drinks. I consented. I was thirsty. "I'll have a Fanta, Louis."
Gurb had reached the last cigarette in his pack. Louis and a girl from the group were nowhere to be found. It didn't even bother me. This guy just walks around with some cash in his pocket and all hell breaks loose. After a night full of stimuli, I understood Louis. Of course, I understood Louis. He's a young god. Handsome, smart guy. But that didn't make me any less angry. It was purely about trust for me. Something inside me said I should stop subconsciously expecting things from people too. It prevents disappointment.
"Hotel please!" I jokingly suggested to Gurb. "Should you call Louis or should I?" I added. Gurb immediately grabbed his Android smartphone and called Louis. He put the call on speaker.
"Are you ready?" Gurb asked.
"Yeah. Sort of."
"What do you mean?"
"We didn't have sex."
"That's fine, right? Tomorrow's a new day!"
"I think I'm in love, man," Louis said.
"...," Gurb said, chuckling as he let out a sigh.
Once we arrived at the girls' hostel, it was already getting light. Louis was thankfully back. There were stains on his pants, around his knees. My focus was solely on arranging a taxi. Although the boys were still flirting, I was really done now. "How are we going to pay for this taxi?" I said a bit too loudly.
There was a silence. "Don't worry. I still have cash," Gurb said.
"Yeah, I knew you would," I replied.
My words clearly hit Louis. "What do you mean by that?" he said.
It was as if time stood still for a few seconds. "Exactly what I said. Better listen." Louis pulled out a small wad of green bills from his pocket. At least 400 euros. "I don't even want to see that money," I reacted. I walked away.
I'll just order a taxi myself.
"Why are you walking away now?" Gurb said.
"Twelve hours ago, I was alone too, and I had a lot more fun then."
"Do you really want to know how I got this money?" Louis said.
Yes, I did want to know. My whole evening revolved around that damn money.
He took a second of pause before he began speaking. "The answer lies in the Mini."
What on earth could be in Gurb's mother's car? Louis was trying to get into my head. "Taxi!"
Once in the taxi, the division was clear. Gurb was upfront, chatting animatedly with the driver. All adventures ever were recounted. Louis and I in the back. One of my best friends since I was thirteen. Funny how things turn out. It was quiet between us. I was in my head, rehearsing how I would bring up the money again. It didn't add up, and he knew it himself. "I don't care, you know," I said, hoping he'd break.
"What don't you care about?"
"About that money."
"What money? You're really a crazy woozy man." Louis burst out laughing again.
On the other hand, it was silent. Gurb had started talking about the driver's family. The driver didn't appreciate it. Gurb meant well. The driver smelled of alcohol. Or was it me? His nails were polished. Maybe his wife was a specialist. I bite my nails myself. Like now.
"In the Mini, oh yeah."
"Shut up. Illegal man."
"You'll never know."
"Stop playing. Just say it!"
Louis grabbed my head, pulled himself towards me, and brought his mouth to my right ear. "Why so serious?" he whispered. He didn't want to tell me.
"But always with this damn money, huh?" I almost shouted at Louis. I broke every silence within a radius of 10 kilometers.
"I'm trying my best, bro. It is what it is. I can't make it any different," he replied. It was clearly bothering him deeply. He ran his hands through his hair. "Sometimes people have to do things. And you know that better than anyone. Sometimes they have to do things they don't really want to or aren't supposed to do."
I knew this spiel all too well. Through all the drunken haziness, I suddenly saw a small glimmer of light. A tiny spark of sincerity. Louis was serious this time.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to involve you in this. I'm sorry," sweat dripped from his forehead.
"You're serious, huh? Damn, man. What mess have you gotten yourself into now? Worse than Terschelling?" Worse than Terschelling would mean stolen goods. Maybe even violence.
"It's not what you think."
"The Adlon Hotel, right?" the driver chimed in. Always saved by the bell, that Louis.
Suddenly I hit my head against the seat in front of me. Of course, I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. The last thing I saw was Gurb waking up in panic from his drunken stupor. One by one, I started losing my senses. It started with the feeling in my fingers. For a brief moment, everything wasn't quite black, and I could only see a vague pattern of colors repeating inside my eyelids. You could compare it to the brief moment after the commercial break before the movie starts in the cinema. The movie was about to begin.
I knew I wasn't dying. At least not yet. Not like this. Not after an overall mediocre night out in Berlin. I found comfort in the image I forced myself to see. It was all in my head. There I was, unconscious.
I saw myself in a third-person point of view. It wasn't like I was actually leaving my body. More like there was a webcam hanging in one of the upper corners of the taxi.
As a child, I used to dream a lot about death. Nights spent awake.
At some point, I developed a kind of compulsive behavior. I kept swaying my torso from left to right with my hands under my head. It became almost like a workout before bedtime. Every night.
I called it dream shuffling. Just like I had learned to shuffle puzzle pieces or playing cards. Making things a little exciting for yourself. But what I almost never told anyone was that I was scared. I was afraid of burglars, who were very agile and muscular.
Especially afraid that they would murder me. I really wanted to know what death was like. It scared me.
These fear visions originated during an all-inclusive vacation in Turkey. I was 6 years old and already in bed. There was a big old TV in our hotel room, so I could secretly watch TV from bed. Every evening, my parents sat on the balcony. Here they discussed their day while enjoying a glass of alcohol. There was a Japanese animated series on TV. In the few seconds that I watched, I saw a scary creature climbing a sort of apartment complex via the balconies. The creature had hundreds of teeth and blond hair. It quickly entered to decapitate the people, then drained them and, as a final insult, robbed them. Dozens of carcasses of dead people were scattered around the apartment complex. The complex on TV resembled the resort where we were in reality, and the TV world merged with my surroundings. I became part of it. I saw people watching. No matter how loudly I screamed for help, they didn't react. The sun became very bright, and the people turned into nothing more than shadows. As the intensity of the sun increased, something became clear to me. These were not people. They had a sort of orange skin. Where I had previously thought it was their nose and mouth, it turned out that these shadowy figures did not have such physical features. They simply had three holes in their heads. The police tried to do something, but in vain. Since then, we always kept the light on in the hallway outside my bedroom. By rocking back and forth, from left to right, I could glance fleetingly at the beam of light under the door. That bit of light, escaping from the hallway into my room, gave me an advantage. It allowed me to stay one step ahead of the burglars. Pretty smart, right?
"From Jamaica to the world!
It’s just love. Why must the children play in the street?"
It was Bob Sinclar with "Love Generation" speaking to us through the taxi's speakers. We were stationary. I was conscious again, but I didn't feel alive at all. "How long was I out?" I asked Louis.
I could tell by his expression that he was relieved. Relieved that I was back. "One minute," he almost apologized. Louis gave me a pat on the shoulder. Gurb, on the other hand, was sleeping. He slept like a baby cub.
I put my right index finger on my forehead. It felt wet, but it wasn't blood. Blood feels different. Meanwhile, I kept hearing whistling.
"Be the love generation! Oh yeah!" It was still that same song by Bob Sinclar.
The earlier scent of alcohol had now been replaced by the smell of incense. It smelled like the same incense I had in my room. Sold to me as Tibetan 39 incense. I had bought it at a coffee shop in Rotterdam. I pulled up my notes on my phone. "Who lights incense in a CAR????" I let Louis read from my screen. He took the phone from my hands and started typing as well.
"Look at Gurb >>>" Gurb was so deeply asleep that his head drooped. His seatbelt held his torso in place, but his head ended up on the driver's shoulder. The man didn't mind. He didn't move. I made eye contact with the driver through the rearview mirror, and soon I found him. He winked at me.
We arrived at the hotel. Gurb awakened from his alcoholic hibernation. "Who's going to pay for the taxi?" I asked. Clearly rhetorical. I already knew I would take this one for the team, as usual. I refused to use Louis's money. It was uncomfortably quiet. "By card please," I said.
"I'll always protect you, Louis. You really need to know that. I care about you like my own little brother. I'll always try to help you. But you have to be honest with me. Can you do that?" Louis didn't hesitate.
"Yes. Yes, I can. I'll show you. It's really in the Mini." Meanwhile, the taxi driver's card machine indicated that I had insufficient funds. That couldn't be right. Maybe I had withdrawn too much that evening.
"I have cash in the hotel room," Gurb said to me. Gurb informed the driver in broken English that he would go get his cash. The driver agreed. Money is money, whether it comes now or later. As long as it feels good in your hands.
Louis and I got out of the taxi. "You're not going to light a cigarette now, are you?" Louis wanted to smoke. "Especially for stress. That's really for people who can't handle pain. You need to feel pain. Pain needs to brand you for the rest of your life so you finally learn not to do such stupid things." It fell silent again. My blood boiled. All pots were on the stove. I felt like Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen. "Show me then. Do it."
Louis remained silent and walked around the corner of the hotel. Towards the parking lot. I followed him. "You're not going to find much," said Louis.
"Why not? Are you a magician?"
"No. Just. Not much."
"So there's suddenly magically nothing in Gurb's car?"
"Stop. Get out. Get out of my head!" Louis shouted. Louis had had enough. He was done with the parade. Normally we dealt with hypothetical stories. Only this time it wasn't a joke. I was sure now. Louis had dropped his mask. The revolution had begun. The government had fallen and the dikes had broken. The people were in charge. "You shouldn't freak out like this. Always wanting more. Sweet boy, think about yourself."
After Gurb gave the money to the driver, he came to us. He had a smile on his face, lit a cigarette, and exclaimed, "Brothers!" Once with us, he hugged me. He started laughing. "Maybe I haven't been entirely honest either." Sometimes Gurb seemed like a 38-year-old man. In a positive way. He exuded confidence in a way I didn't often see. Affectionate, with a hint of authority.
We stood in the middle of a large parking lot. "Look. We've reached a point where I might not even care anymore. You guys are teasing me." It did matter to me. Maybe more than ever. I was supposed to be two steps ahead of them, but I couldn't figure it out. "I give up."
The delightful silence returned. Louis and Gurb looked at each other. "You guys win. Apparently, I'm not to be trusted as a friend."
From Louis's expression, I could tell he disagreed with this. "Not true. Come to the car."
We arrived at the car. Louis unlocked it and searched for the trunk button. Gurb had started his third cigarette. "It's a corpse, isn't it? Say it now. I can still help you. I can still help us. I can book a ticket for you. We can get you out of here," I said to Louis.
"Just wait. Nutcase."
"Why won't you accept my help?"
Louis started laughing nervously. Or at least it seemed that way. Perhaps a sly laugh too. Had Louis killed someone? "It's not a corpse. That can't be. You wouldn't be stupid enough to use their ID. You're smarter than that. So it must be something stolen. Haven't you found that button yet?"
Suddenly, we heard a click. Louis had found the button. Somewhere, I didn't want to know. Shouldn't I just trust Louis? Wasn't that the whole point of friendship?
Finally, the moment had arrived. I placed my right hand in the slot of the rear hatch. Something in me doubted. Still. I still doubted. Louis looked dead serious. "You wanted to know, didn't you? Then you also have to be man enough to accept it." Louis was clearly not joking. Or was he acting again? "Pussy," Louis said. I looked away. "You're afraid of what's inside, huh? You're afraid of the real Louis." He began to laugh manically. "Open that thing, man. Nutcase!"
I started laughing too. Why did I make such a big deal out of it? Sweat broke out from every pore in my body. It was even a bit damp in the no man's land between my scrotum and my anus. A tropical climate. It had been quite an adventure the whole evening. I took my hand off the rear hatch and first gave Louis a hug. Not some half-hearted birthday wish. No, a real hug.
"It's okay, buddy," Louis said to me. I had no idea what he meant by that. It fit the moment though.
It was really time now. I opened the rear hatch.
"Where is it?"
"In front of you," said Louis.
"In some secret compartment?"
There was nothing in the trunk. Absolutely nothing. An empty trunk. For an empty evening, in an empty Berlin, with an empty group of guys. I didn't get it.
"You won, man," I whispered. "You finally fucking done did it."
I couldn't believe my eyes. Empty? There was still nothing in the car. Louis just stood there. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I had felt every emotion this evening. Seen every color and smelled every scent. I was done. My body was ready. No longer needed. My mission was complete.
"But why did you do this?" I asked Louis, laughing.
He scratched his chin. It felt like the end of a bad movie.
"I sold our Playstation. Wanted to tell you only after I had sorted everything out again. I terminated my lease. Had some debts, and I also wanted to have some money for once. Once not empty-handed in the club. Once not dependent on my best friends. This is not who I am... I know how much that Playstation meant to you. It was ours together. I should have just told you."
"… and how does Gurb actually make his money?"

I (41M) have a friend (41F); we’ve known each other for more than 25 years.
Recently, over lunch, I shared with her I’d been reflecting on my twenties. From 24 to 30, I spent living abroad in Asia.
Left single following the end of a five-year college relationship, returned married; 13th wedding anniversary is next week.
In response, she said she kept some of our emails from that particular phase of life.
She shared them and it was a tough read full of youthful bombast and bravado masking anxiety, insecurity, and uncertainty. They detail my first impressions of life abroad, people I met, experiences I had, relationships and romantic entanglements, and eventually I talk about meeting my wife and our plan to return home.
The letters opened a flood of memories, not only of my time away, but of our friendship, which is the undercurrent.
Through junior year of high school, we were acquaintances who traveled in the same friend circles; before the start of senior year, after a night of pizza in front of her parent’s living room fireplace, we began dating and did so into early spring semester.
After dating, our friendship began.
Attended different colleges but would visit each other a couple times a year, see one another during breaks, and swap emails. Our time together was platonic until one day it wasn’t.
We crossed the rubicon the summer heading into senior year of college.
What can only now be described as a full blown affair lasted 6 months until we quietly wound it down and returned to platonic friends and our then-significant others. Except for one brief make out session shortly after graduating college, we’ve kept our hands, lips, and everything else to ourselves for 19 years.
I attended her wedding, she attended mine.
These days, we see each other - and our spouses and children - every other month for rotating brunches along with two other couples and their families; we also grab lunch when schedules align.
Our spouses are aware of our past intimacy but not the nitty gritty.
When it’s just us chatting, we keep conversation to contemporary life: work, travel, kids, homeownership, aging parents, pets, exercise routines, etc.
It’s odd how friendships evolve and manifest themselves over time - a real confidante.

Warning: LONG POST (Also, apologies in advance for LDS church jargon and terminology)
I have a unique perspective that I thought maybe some on this sub would find interesting. I am LDS and for those of you who are unfamiliar with the church but are just interested in this case, just know that life as members of our church can be a VERY small world, even across state lines. So I personally knew Julie Rowe when she lived in Arizona, and I now live in Rexburg and my husband and his family are local so I have a LOT of personal connections to Chad and his kids.
That said, here's my experience with these individuals. First- Julie Rowe. I was in her ward in Oro Valley (northern suburb of Tucson) Arizona in 2011 and 2012. She lived in our neighborhood and was my sister's Activity Days leader. I was a senior in high school and babysat her kids 2-3 times. My mom was nice to her because my mom is the sweetest, and felt bad for Julie. One day she asked my mom to go on a walk with her and she did. On that walk, Julie started talking to my mom about her out of body experience and said a few things that made her uncomfortable. My mom distanced herself from Julie pretty immediately. Soon thereafter, Julie was asked by the bishopric to not speak in church, comment in classes, or give prayers anymore because she had begun saying some wacko stuff in testimony meetings and comments in class. Everyone kinda started noticing how weird she was after that. Around that time was the last time I babysat her kids. She dropped them off at my house and when she came to pick them up I DISTINCTLY remember this strange encounter: She was talking to me about college because I had recently gotten accepted to BYU-Idaho and would be moving there in the fall. She went on a rant with my mom, sister, and I telling us how one day we would all need to move to Rexburg because it would be protected. She was talking so crazy and we couldn't get out of the conversation so I called our home phone with my cell phone to have an excuse to make her leave. Shortly after that, her family and her disappeared. Like, overnight they moved and house was empty. Super weird.
Fast forward a few years and I meet my husband who is from the area but also lived in Springville as a kid. Chad is friends with his dad and was in the process of helping him publish a book about mental health when all of this came out. Tammy worked as a librarian in my little brother in law's elementary school. Emma even went on a double date with me and a family friend on the night I got engaged and was literally there, in some of our pictures. When all of this came out, I realized I lived down the street from Lori and their townhouses. Also, Rob Wood was my bishop for about two years before he took the case (and don't quote me, but I believe was released as bishop because of it).
PHEW I know that was a lot. But I just have a lot of strange connections and this case has just hit SO close to home for me. Way too close for comfort. And I have a theory:
My theory is that Julie Rowe and Chad were going to be the "it" couple in Chad's mind originally. I see Chad as a guy who grew up kind of a loser, always wanting attention and the limelight, but being boring and not the greatest looking guy, he ended up with a woman like Tammy who has many amazing qualities but who wasn't necessarily the "beautiful blonde bombshell" type that he saw Lori as. (nothing against Tammy!) He always secretly wanted attention and praise, which is why I think he was so tempted by manipulating other women to get what he wanted. Julie Rowe was perfect for that. Julie already had the theology and following, and Chad was both looking for women to manipulate and had his own religious weirdness as well.
Here's why I think they were flirting with an affair before he met Lori: I was talking to my husband’s family member who knows the Daybells well. We were just casually talking about the story I told above about Julie Rowe. She told me that she and her husband went to a farm of a friend of theirs. When they got there, it was later in the evening and Chad and Julie were alone walking around the farm property very close. They ended up running into each other and having to speak and Chad seemed very uncomfortable (this family member is in Chad’s ward so they knew he was married etc). He introduced the woman as Julie Rowe. They quickly got in Chad’s car and drove away. The family member talked later to the owner of the farm and she said that they had been there for a while just looking at areas to keep animals or whatever. That experience plus the claims Julie made.... yeah... I think Chad was trying to manipulate her in the beginning and it didn't work out. He probably assaulted her which is terrible, but she was putting herself with him alone wayy to much for a married woman and I think she got spooked and distanced herself. Just a theory.
Anyway. I know this was extremely long. I just had to dump all of this somewhere and this was the right audience!! I have so many more thoughts on this case that I'd love to discuss too, and I have even more connections to this case than I have shared here but out of concern for privacy I omitted them. Please feel free to ask any questions.

If you’ve read my other two posts then hi it’s me again.
I was supposed to take graduation photos todays but for the longest time I didn’t and still don’t understand why they take it before and not after you’ve graduated cause what if you ended up not graduating.
I thought like this since my sister graduated but for her it made sense cause she had really good grades and she wanted to be a photographer.
For my senior friends I always asked and they would say when you graduate you’ll understand and stuff like that one even said it’s a way to celibate doing so good and at the time my average was 85-90’s so I sorta got it.
I’m graduating with a 70 average and haven’t done anything of note except for donating blood four times and reading over 2,000 pages (the only cords I have were for those) so I felt there is not reason for me to do it and with the fact I almost failed my senior year I was ashamed to even think about doing it
I never told my mom how bad my grades have gotten cause I didn’t want to disappoint her cause I was a kid with good grades and she used to brag to people about it and it came to a point were it was the only thing I thought was good about me when everything else faded at least I was smart
I was getting dressed this morning for the pictures cause my mom wanted them and nothing was going right none of my dresses or outfits went with the cap and gown and when it did it was too short I was upset and my mom was so nice and was asking if I wasn’t up to it today and was asking what was wrong I blurted out of frustration that I don’t see why we can’t take the pictures after I walk across the stage
She said people don’t do that’s and I said I don’t see the point of takeing the picture and that I don’t want to and she said we won’t do it then
After a little bit she came into the room and told me I’ve been shutting her out of every senior experience and that she was hurt.
Before this I was prom I went to a school charity event of which I got a free prom dress my mom said she didn’t like the dress I picked out but if I liked it then I could wear it and my sister said the dress was downright ugly my mom would laugh and tell her to hush this happened so many times I ended up buying another dress that was small so I was going to fix up and everyone said the dress was cute but that I waited too long and I should’ve just when dress shopping from the get go .
My mom was more admite this time so my grandma two days before prom got me a dress but I didn’t want my mom to go because that day she had a headache , that I was scared she was gonna hate the dress I would pick and I wouldn’t chose any and that I was ashamed because I promised her I would make my own dress for prom with her but never got the chance
I now understand her passive aggression and hurt and that I hurt her my sister compaired looking for a prom dress for looking for a wedding dress
Now I’m trying to figure out how to apologize cause I feel really bad and I didnt mean to hurt her but I don’t understand her I know TAH But I would like some advice pls

I've had a challenging relationship with my manager over the past few months. I am handling several high-profile projects, and I understand that my performance ultimately reflects on him as a leader.
Both of us are stressed. I’ve been working long days, weekends to try to keep things afloat. He's been short with me in our meetings, and a couple of times, he's lost his temper, which led me to tears (though I tried to hold it together, he noticed).
Recently, the team went out for drinks, and I think he forgot he made me cry and thought it was someone else. He said, "I don't care if I made you cry."
I have my mid-year review coming up, and I'm considering suggesting that I work for a different leader on the team or ask for more support in my area. Working like this is not sustainable, and I've been contemplating finding a new job. I used to love this job, but this year has me seriously considering leaving or taking a stress leave.
I feel like I’m walking on egg shells with him. And it’s left me feeling like I’m not good at my job or I’m not cut out for this senior role. Any feedback or support is appreciated :)

I still have dreams about my high school girlfriend, and the only thing I can do is live with it.
I was a senior (18), she was a junior (17). We properly met on a field trip. It was one of those situations where you meet eyes with someone and your first thought is how pretty they are, and your second thought is about how you can introduce yourself. We spent the entire rest of that field trip hanging out together, and the entire way back sitting next to each other. I got her number. From that night on, we talked every day until 9 months later when she broke up with me.
We both had our issues. She had self-confidence issues with a dash of controlling tendencies. I lived under regular emotional abuse from my mother that had (and still does, I work through it every day) damaged my ability to cope with difficult conversations, among other emotional issues.
Long story short, I made mistakes. WE made mistakes. But Reddit, I swear that I would have died for this woman. At that point in my life, she was all I cared about. When push came to shove, I never did the greatest job of showing it. I did things, I said things, I apologized a lot. Eventually, I pushed her away when she decided she didn't want to keep waiting for me to get a grip.
Afterwards, I struggled with years-long depression, soul-searching, therapy, and coping. I spiraled... hard. I loved her family like my own even after a relatively short time. But I didn't get the privilege of treating them as such anymore. Not to mention, during this relationship, the two of us became intimately acquainted, which was a first for both of us. That kind of thing creates lots of chemicals, lots of emotions, lots of attachment.
About 6 months later, I found myself in a bout of drama, the context of which is not really important. It resulted in my ex getting a very long and angry text message that I guarantee ruined any goodwill I still had in her mind. I apologized, but we all know you can't take back words.
Over the next year or so, after, I would send her the occasional text, or one time I had written her a letter. But eventually, I had enough sense to apologize for the stress I was causing and left her alone, and so it's been.
As it stands now, it's been about 6 years. I've been with a handful of other partners in that time. But a little over 4 years ago, I met the love of my life. We've been making our way through college and adult life one step at a time, together. She's been with me through my deepest depressions and loved me all the same despite them.
I am no fool. I wouldn't dare ask for anyone or anything different. Once again, she is the love of my life.
But some days I wake up thinking about a person I no longer know.
A person I will likely never speak to or see again.
A person who likely never wants to.
A person who, despite my best efforts to find peace, will seemingly always hold a piece of my heart I will never get back.
And it makes me sad.

Current:
Patrick Weekes, Lead Writer: Writers Mass Effect: They wrote several side quests, including Citadel: Family Matter and Presidium Prophet.
Additional Design Dragon Age: Origins
Writers Mass Effect 2 and Writers and Manager on Lair of the Shadow Broker: They co-wrote Miranda, and I believe also Garrus, co-wrote Liara during LOTSB. They wrote Tali, paraphrased Thane's romance dialogue, and contributed writing to other characters. They also contributed to the ending content for the game.
Senior Writer Mass Effect 3: Alongside John Dombrow, they assisted Lead Writer Mac Walters in managing the rest of the writing team. They co-wrote From Ashes and served as Senior Writer for Leviathan. They were also the Senior Writer Manager, working with John Dombrow as a co-lead (Basically) on Citadel. They wrote Kasumi, Tali, Mordin, Jack, Traynor, Joker, and Jondum Bau, and co-wrote Legion. Additionally, They wrote Liara's conversation with Matriarch Aethyta and Priority Eden Prime. They co-wrote Priority: Tuchanka and wrote Priority: Rannoch.
Senior Writer Inquisition, Lead Writer Jaws of Hakkon, Consultant The Descent, Lead Writer Trespasser: They wrote The Bull's Chargers, Cole, Krem, The Iron Bull, Solas, and Svarah Sun Hair. They also wrote the majority of Here Lies the Abyss.
Lead Writer Canceled Project Joplin DA4
Dragon Age Finaling Team Mass Effect Andromeda: Wrote several note texts.
Short stories: Dragon Slayers, Glass Beads, I Am Looking for a Book..., Why the Elders Bare Their Throats, When She Grows a Soul, Injure the Corners, Release the Knot, Shepard Off-Duty and Unleashing the Flyers of L
Comics: They co-wrote the story for Mass Effect Homeworlds #2 with Mac Walters.
Books: They are the writer of the Rogues of the Republic Trilogy, which consists of The Palace Job, The Prophecy Con, and The Paladin Caper. They also wrote Dragon Age: The Masked Empire and contributed to The World of Thedas Volume 2. Additionally, they served as both writer and editor for Dragon Age: Tevinter Nights, writing Three Trees to Midnight and The Dread Wolf Take You. They also wrote the novel Feeder.
John Epler, Franchise Creative Director since January 2022, formerly Narrative director until December 2021:
Prior to joining Bioware, he spent several years volunteering for various fan sites and dabbling in the modding community for various games.
QA Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood
Term Testers Dragon Age: Origins and Cinematic Designers for Witch Hunt
QA Story Team Mass Effect 2, additional QA on Normandy Crash Site, Zaeed - The Price of Revenge, Firewalker Pack, Kasumi - Stolen Memory, and Overlord.
Cinematic Designers Dragon Age II, Cinematic Designer The Exiled Prince, Cinematic Designers on Legacy and Mark of the Assassin
Cinematic Designers Dragon Age: Inquisition, Lead Cinematic Designer on Jaws of Hakkon and Trespasser: Working with the animation team, he worked to remove the race-gating on Iron Bull's romance
Dragon Age Finaling Team Mass Effect Andromeda
Animation Systems Designers/Storyboard Supervisor for Anthem
Executive Producers Dragon Age: Absolution
Books: Writers Dragon Age: Tevinter Nights, wrote The Horror of Hormak and Half Up Front
Sylvia Feketekuty, Senior Writer:
Writers Lair of the Shadow Broker: Wrote Feron and Glyph, wrote Liara from the beginning of the DLC until the scene after the defeat of the Shadow Broker, and wrote a few lines of her dialogue after that.
Writers Mass Effect 3, also the Resurgence, Rebellion, Earth, Retaliation, and Reckoning Multiplayer Expansions: Wrote Glyph, Liara, and Samara. Also, she wrote the final version of Kallini: Ardat-Yakshi Monastery, wrote Rannoch: Admiral Koris and Geth Fighter squadrons, contributed to much of the content on the Citadel, including various quests, the refund guy, and various other background material. she also co-wrote Legion.
Writers Dragon Age: Inquisition, also on Jaws of Hakkon and Trespasser: Wrote Josephine, Champions of the Just, and the final versions of Before the Dawn and Under Her Skin.
Writers/Narrative Designers Anthem
Short Stories: The Flame Eternal
Comics: She co-wrote the story for Mass Effect Homeworlds #4 with Mac Walters.
Books: Writers The World of Thedas Volume 1-2, Writers Dragon Age: Tevinter Nights, wrote Down Among the Dead Men and Luck in the Gardens
Sheryl Chee, Senior Writer:
Writers Dragon Age: Origins, also co-writer for The Stone Prisoner, Return to Ostagar, and Awakening, and the writer of Golems of Amgarrak. Writers Witch Hunt, Wrote Cullen, Dog, Leliana and Wynne, as well as Oghren, Sigrun, and Velanna during Awakening. Also wrote the Magi Origin, Broken Circle, and the Urn of Sacred Ashes.
Writers Dragon Age II, also on Legacy and Mark of the Assassin: Wrote Isabela and All That Remains
Writers Dragon Age: Inquisition, also on Jaws of Hakkon and Trespasser and writer for the Multiplayer: Wrote Blackwall, Leliana and the multiplayer characters
Writers Mass Effect Andromeda: Wrote Vetra and Suvi
Writers/Narrative Designers Anthem: Wrote Mathias
Short Stories: Isabela, Minrathous Shadows
Books: Writers The World of Thedas Volume 1-2
Brianne Battye, Senior Writer:
Assistant Writer Leviathan credited as Additional Design
Writers Citadel
Writers Dragon Age: Inquisition, also on Jaws of Hakkon and Trespasser: Wrote Cullen
Writers/Narrative Designers Anthem
Short Stories: The Next One, Won't Know When and Each Minute Closer
Books: Writers The World of Thedas Volume 2, Writers Dragon Age: Tevinter Nights, wrote Hunger and The Streets of Minrathous, and the writer of wholehearted (poetry collection)
Poems: Short Poems
Former:
Lukas Kristjanson, Senior Writer until September 2023 laid off:
Lead Writer Baldur's Gate and the Tales of the Sword Coast expansion: Wrote Minsc, Jaheira, much of the main story and main campaign, and many of the side quests Also contributed manual editing and compilation.
Writers MDK 2
Designers and core design team for Baldur's Gate II: Shadows of Amn and additional design on Throne of Bhaal: Wrote Jon Irenicus and also contributed manual writing/editing.
Designers, Core Design Team, Manual Writers and additional programming on Neverwinter Nights
Designers Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: Wrote parts of Taris, Manaan, and Korriban, much of Tatooine and Kashyyyk, and also contributed manual writing.
Lead Writer, later Co-Lead on Jade Empire.
Writers Mass Effect: Wrote Kaidan and Joker, co-wrote Kirrahe, wrote Feros, and co-wrote Virmire.
Writers Dragon Age: Origins, and the Writer of Leliana's Song: Co-wrote A Paragon of Her Kind
Writers Mass Effect 2: Wrote Jacob and Joker, contributed writing to other characters, wrote Joker's Mission on the Normandy, contributed to the game's ending, and advised Dusty Everman in the writing of the non-companion NPCs on the Normandy.
Writers Dragon Age II, also on Legacy and Mark of the Assassin: Wrote Arishok, Aveline and Carver
Senior Writer Dragon Age: Inquisition: Wrote Sera, In Your Heart, and several codex entries.
Writers Mass Effect: Andromeda: Wrote Liam
Comics: Co-wrote the Baldur's Gate promotional comic.
Short Stories: Aveline and As We Fly
Books: Writers The World of Thedas Volume 1-2, Writers Dragon Age: Tevinter Nights, wrote Callback and Genitivi Dies in the End
John Dombrow, Senior Writer left in August of 2023:
Writer Universe at War: Earth Assault
Petroglyoph Studio staff on Panzer General: Allied Assault
Writer Overlord
Senior Writer Mass Effect 3: Alongside Patrick Weekes, he assisted Lead Writer Mac Walters in managing the rest of the writing team. He co-wrote From Ashes and served as Supervising Writer for Leviathan. He were also the Senior Writer Manager, working with Patrick Weekes a co-lead (Basically) on Citadel. He wrote Wrex, Garrus, Javik, Padok Wiks, Wreav, Eve, and Victus. He also wrote Liara during From Ashes and contributed writing to Kai Leng and The Illusive Man. He wrote Priority: Sur'Kesh, co-wrote Priority Tuchanka, and wrote Priority Thessia. Additionally, he developed the initial Grissom Academy mission and wrote the first draft. He also edited Garrus and Javik.
Senior Writer Bioshock Infinite: Burial at Sea
Writer Telltale's Game of Thrones Episode 3 and additional writing on two of the other episodes
Writer and associate producer Mytheon
Writers and later co-lead for Mass Effect: Andromeda following the departure of original lead writer Chris Schlerf: Wrote Prologue Hyperion, Planetside, and the Salarian Ark Mission.
Senior WriteNarrative Designer Anthem
Short stories: Ruins of Reality
Comics: He co-wrote the story for Mass Effect Homeworlds #3 with Mac Walters and the story for Mass Effect Discovery
Books: Oversaw the development of the Andromeda novels.
Films: Production Assistant Sliver, Writer Control Factor, Screenwriter Deadly Swarm
Writer and developer The Sixth Extinction (Unproduced
Writer original screenplay The Hills Run Red
Films: Production Assistant Sliver, Writer Control Factor, co-screenwriter Deadly Swarm. Also, writer and developer The Sixth Extinction (Unproduced). Additionally, wrote the original screenplay for The Hills Run Red.
Left to go join Sucker Punch Productions as a Senior Writer
Mary Kirby, Senior Writer until September 2023 laid off:
Writers Dragon Age: Origins: Wrote Cauthrien, Sten, Loghain, much of the Qunari lore and the Chant of Light, and most of the Landsmeet.
Writers Dragon Age II, also on Legacy and Mark of the Assassin: Wrote Merrill and Varric
Writers Star Wars: The Old Republic: Wrote the companion conversations for Fideltin Rusk
Writers for Dragon Age: Inquisition, also on Jaws of Hakkon and Trespasser: Wrote Varric, Vivienne, and In Hushed Whispers
Writers/Narrative Designers Anthem: Wrote Max
Short Stories: Merrill, Varric and The Wake
Books: Writers and editors The World of Thedas Volume 1, writers Volume 2, Writer for Dragon Age: Hard in Hightown
Courtney Woods, Writer left in February of 2020:
Prior to joining Bioware, she worked as an Editorial Intern at DC Comics for 3 months and as a Contributing Writer at Newsarama where She specialized in video game journalism, including previewing and reviewing video games and related projects. She provided written and photographic coverage of pop culture conventions such as Star Wars Celebration V, New York Comic-Con 2010, and E3 2011
Community Coordinators Star Wars: The Old Republic also on the Rise of the Hutt Cartel and Galactic Starfighter expansions. Lead Community Coordinator on Galactic Strongholds and Shadow of Revan. Writers on Knights of the Fallen Empire
Co-writer The Descent
Writers Mass Effect: Andromeda: Wrote Lexi, Reyes and much of Kadara
Senior WriteNarrative Designer Anthem
Books: Writers Dragon Age: Tevinter Nights, wrote The Wigmaker Job and Eight Little Talons. She also contributed to the Development of the Mass Effect Andromeda: Nexus Uprising Novel
Left to work on the Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic as the Lead writer left in September of 2022
Currently a Senior Writer as Sucker Punch Productions
Arone Le Bray, Narrative Quality DesigneAnalyst left in April of 2021:
Contact Testers Jade Empire: Special Edition
QA Term Testers Mass Effect
QA Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood
QA Analysts Dragon Age: Origins
QA Story Team Lead Mass Effect 2, additional QA on Normandy Crash Site, QA Zaeed - The Price of Revenge, additional QA Firewalker Pack, QA Kasumi - Stolen Memory, and Lair of the Shadow Broker.
Additional QA Star Wars: The Old Republic
Content Analysts Mass Effect 3
Analysts Dragon Age: Inquisition, also on Jaws of Hakkon and Trespasser
Analysts Mass Effect: Andromeda
Analysts Anthem
Books: Writers Dragon Age: Tevinter Nights, wrote An Old Crow's Old Tricks
Theatre: Founders Basic Acid Theatre company. Director and an Actor in Finer Noble Gases, Writer and Director of Occupied.
Left to join THE CHINESE ROOM LTD as a Narrative Designer on Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines 2. Currently serving as a Principal Narrative Designer on the game.
FormeUnknown:
Alexis Kennedy, Freelance Writer:
Founder and former CEO Failbetter Games Left in August of 2016
Original developer and lead writer Fallen London
Creative Director Tales of Fallen London: The Silver Tree
Creative Director Machine Cares!
Creative Director Dragon Age: The Last Court
Creative director, lead writer and Designers Sunless Sea
Co-founder Weather Factory
Writer and Designers Stellaris: Horizon Signal
Writer, designer, and coders for Cultist Simulator and its DLC."
Initial Concept Sunless Skies
Writer and Designer Book of Hours
He also worked on an unspecified research and development project with Telltale Games
In August 2019, he was accused of harassment by Meg Jayanth and Olivia Wood, a writer at Failbetter. Bioware has cut all ties with him.
Unknown
Ben Gelinas, Consultant:
Prior to joining Bioware, he worked as a staff writer for Guelph Mercury, Multimedia Reporter for The Waterloo Region Record, Crime Writer, and later Arts Writer for the Edmonton Journal, and as a Freelance Journalist.
Writing Special Thanks Mark of the Assassin
Editors and Additional Design for Mass Effect 3 and From Ashes. Editors on Leviathan and Citadel. He collaborated with the programmers to design the games Kinect voice command system
Editors Dragon Age: Inquisition, also on Jaws of Hakkon and Trespasser: Product owner for the game journal
Editors on Star Wars: The Old Republic: Knights of the Fallen Empire and Knights of the Eternal Throne
Editors and Writers Mass Effect: Andromeda: Some writing for Drack and additional story content.
Founder Copychaser Games Inc.
Writer and Designer Speed Dating For Ghosts
Game Design Instructor Sheridan College Jan 2018 - Apr 2018
Narrative Designers Control, Co-writer Control Expansion 1 - The Foundation."
Writers Gotham Knights
Writer and Designer Times and Galaxy
He is also working on a game about sleep paralysis
Books: Lead Writer and co-project Lead The World of Thedas Volumes 1-2, contributed an essay to Shy: An Anthology, Writer The Art of Dragon Age: Inquisition, worked on the English language version of The Legend of Zelda Encyclopedia, and wrote BioWare: Stories and Secrets from 25 Years of Game Development. He also contributed to the Development of the Mass Effect Andromeda: Nexus Uprising Novel