The moment a lot of you have been waiting for is here!
A couple of notes before you read (or after because I would just jump into the list right away too)

1. Direct quotes from Ali herself are in italics.
2. I tried my best to keep everything in timeline order. Some people like The Come Back Kid I placed in the order where they reconnected/talked about on the pod. But I did my best to note this.
3. All this information came from the FMH podcast, the Patreon, the original FMH blog, TikTok and other podcast that feature FMH/Ali. I also crossed reference information with this sub. I got most of this done with the help of the Patreon and listening to 1.75x speed but I lost accessed to the Patreon because my subscription ended.
4. I'm open to edits! Things around the matchmaker era confused me and if anything is incorrect or if I'm missing someone, please let me know! I will note where corrections are made.
5. Some people don't have anything simply because only a name was said or I couldn't find any details about the person/date
6. And of course, please be respectful of all the sub rules!

Names on the original FMH blog

• Mr. Adorable aka The Coach
• Trouble
• Waffles
• Future Husband Brian (FHB)
• Cookie
• Peter Pan
• Ambiguous Goodbye Guy
• Bad Bitch Man

AOL chatroom Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok and on the pod once
Myspace Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok
Third Boyfriend
Met on eCrush.com in 2002 and this was mentioned on the Cracked Up podcast, The Dave Glaser Podcast and Tiktok
The Kiwi
Met on a 2 week Model UN type youth trip in high school when Ali was 15, never a boyfriend but she had a huge crush on him, he tried to kiss Ali and she literally ran away, didn’t talk the rest of the trip but exchanged numbers and screen names (Ali’s was FineGal13 or BeachJewel760), she made him a mixtape cd called “Ali’s really cool mix for The Kiwi” but never sent it and she still has it. In 2021, he DM’d her when she posted photos of her and her mom in France and invites her to visit him in London, she says she can’t but says they should catch up if he comes to NYC
Fourth Boyfriend
Met on OkCupid when you had to use it on the computer, this was mentioned on Tiktok
The Homecoming Date or Light Switch
First boyfriend? (she goes back and forth calling him her first bf or a situationship), a family friend, a month younger than Ali, dated in high school but went to different high schools, football player, made him ask her to her Homecoming dance over email (her words), Ali hid in the bathroom the whole Homecoming dance, 3-4 revisits of this situations as adults, saw him on Bumble a few years ago and texted him that he had a typo in his bio, “he very much wanted to be with me” and now he’s married with a kid. His mom is still “obsessed” with Ali and she listens to FMH
Random college guy
Freshman year of college, Ali doesn’t have a nickname for him/doesn’t remember his real name, met this guy through a friend, was texting him to invite him over to hot tub but her phone autocorrected to “how about some hot rubbing tonight?” but Ali didn’t noticed/didn’t correct it and he never replied, Ali had a house party and got really drunk and was all over him, he left the party early, she messaged him on MySpace 3-4 times asking why he left
The Resident
Matched on Match.com, first guy she dated in NYC after college, older than Ali, a doctor, lasted 3 months ”maybe”, he didn’t like Ali’s friends, got a card from him on her birthday and it said “Love, The Resident” and it took Ali back a little, Ali drinks black coffee because of him, he coordinated having her mom visit NYC for her birthday then he broke up with her a week later
The Ghost
Met at a bar when she was 25, turns out they matched on OkCupid and they already had a date scheduled next week, they dated for 6-8 weeks, had sleepovers, “The worst ghosting experience I’ve ever had”, he borrowed The Great Gatsby from Ali’s roommate, planned to make dinner together after a beach trip in August with her friends and never showed up, Ali is blowing up his phone and gets no reply, two weeks later she finally texts “are you alive? check yes or no” and he responds “Yes”, Ali then ask if he could return the book and gets no reply again, 5 months go by and she receives the book in the mail with the note: “Here’s the book back. Sorry. P.S. sorry about last summer. I was in a bad place. You’re a great person and your salmon is amazing”, since then she has ran into him twice on the streets and matched with him on Bumble
The Coach/Mr. Adorable
First serious boyfriend at 26/27 in 2013, matched on Match.com or met through work depending if you’re listening to the pod or reading her OG blog, clean-cut look, played volleyball, Ali invited him to a friend’s birthday party and they made out in the streets at 4am, on their second date he asked Ali if she was seeing any one and when Ali said no he ask her to be his girlfriend 3 days after their first date, dated for almost 1.5 years or almost 2 years depending on if you’re listening to the pod or the Patreon, first time saying “I love you” to a guy, “lovely guy“, never would posted Ali on his instagram until Ali said something, he “lived” with her for two weeks while he was in between apartments, tried blind folding/hair pulling during sex and she didn’t like it, by the end of their relationship Ali didn’t like sex and thought she wasn’t a very sexual person, after they broke up Ali drunk texted him at 2am and he picked her up and she spent the night and she took her things in the morning in a rolly suitcase, from her blog in 2015: “I just want to be careful I don’t end up with another Mr. Adorable situation, where I find myself dating my platonic best friend”, had drinks with him in 2016 from the blog: “Not in a romantic way (at least on my end)”, Ali still talks to him sometimes through casual instagram DMs, he’s currently (as of 2021) dating someone for 4+ years and Ali thinks they’re going to get engaged
Trouble
OG 2015 FMH blog, never mentioned on the pod, “I was immediately enamored with him”, met at a Beer Olympic party but he worked with one of Ali’s best friends (Ali was still dating The Coach at the time), lived in BK, tattoos and stubble, Ali’s best friend said he was a “fuck boy”, “he very much made me see that it was the right thing for me and The Coach to not be together”, from her blog in 2015: “he has this look in his eye like he’s constantly laughing at me – in a super sexy way”, he texted her saying he didn’t see anything romantically with her and she sent a gif of someone shrugging
Personal side note: Ali has mentioned she has cheated on someone but never disclosed who she cheated on or with. I feel like she cheated on Mr.A/The Coach with Trouble because of the timeline. Just a guess.
Waffles
Matched on Bumble, OG 2015 FMH blog, he asked Ali fuck/marry/kill breakfast foods, dated 2 months around summer time, on Fourth of July while watching fireworks he said how they had a great day and Ali replied with something along the lines with “yeah, it would be better if I could call you my boyfriend”, he said he wanted a relationship but just not with Ali and shortly afterwards they stopped seeing each other
The Buffalo
Lived in Buffalo NY, 6’5, Scorpio, met in 2015 at Adults National volleyball (Ali’s team won that year) where he was heckling her while she was playing, asks Ali’s mom for her number and Ali’s mom said “I guess you’re tall enough” and told him to ask her himself, he flew her out and she met his parents, dated over summer, exclusive but never boyfriend/girlfriend (but called him her LD boyfriend on TikTok), texted and talked on the phone a lot, Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “they had really good banter”, in October he invited her to his cousins wedding and she invited him to her friends wedding, after Ali bought her ticket to his cousins wedding (with the promise he would buy her ticket to her friend’s wedding) he ghosted and stonewalled her, she “poured her heart out to him on voicemail” and he never replied, she asked him to pay her back for her ticket and he got mad that she “made this about money”, 2 years later he told Ali that he freaked out because he really liked her and saw a future with her but knew she would never move to Buffalo and it would “never work”, Ali said at the time she would have considered moving for him, Ali used to have him blocked on Facebook and told all her friends not to update her on info about him (unless she asked). He’s now married and goes to Disney with his wife (which Ali kind of scoffs at?), Ali said on TikTok that she dodged a bullet
Baby Bic
Met him at Adults National years ago, had a flirtationship with him in 2016 when he was 19 years old, ran into him at the Adults Nationals 2021, last texts she got from him were about getting his fake ID taken away at the bar and him visiting her in NYC but Ali didn’t want to buy him beer and drink at her apartment
The Chef
Matched on Tinder around 2016, he loved karaoke, “total shit”, asked Ali to be his girlfriend and to meet his mom after a month, off and on dating, broke up the first time because he was talking to his ex, lied and flew to Mexico to see his ex while dating Ali, that ex sent Ali a Snapchat of them in bed together on that Mexico trip, Ali broke up with him via text and called him a shitty boyfriend, he’s the reason Ali deleted her Snapchat because of drunk Snaps he would send post break up, FB messaged Ali 6 years later (while Roark was visiting/staying with Ali) and said sorry for being a shit head. Ali’s best friends hated him
The Dentist
Met on Halloween in the wild, Canadian, dated NYE 2016- May 2017 “nice guy, not my guy”, one of Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “he adored you, “he was too sweet for me” and “he had no edge to him”, he painted Ali’s cat for her 30th birthday but she was annoyed it was just Rory and not both cats, The Chef texted Ali while on a date/sleeping at his house
ASV - Aspiring Sober Vegan
Met through a friend (her best guy friend’s college roommate) the day before she had to fly out to her dad’s memorial, a doctor, into meditation, remembered him “being cuter” when they went on a first date, felt “the spark”, had “omg this is awesome sex”, Ali described this relationship as a “slow burn” and “the most attracted she ever been to a partner” even thought she didn’t think he was that cute in the beginning, dated 2-3 months before he tried to ghost Ali but they talked and broke up, four months later they start casually dating/FWB because he’s moving but this turns into a ‘middle distance relationship’ and he moves to Philly, had a lot of communication issues but didn't have a lot of fights, wants to live in Ohio and give a % of his income to charity, Ali was close to saying ‘I love you’ but didn’t, he uninvited her to meet his extended family and they got in a fight, broke up with her a couple weeks before their 6 month anniversary at the park while on a picnic and told her that she’s still his favorite person, Ali used to think he was “the one that got away” and would frequently have dreams about him. From what Ali knows, he's sober but not vegan
The Scientist
2017 or 2018ish, from San Diego, went on one date, Ali ended up ghosting him due to the decline in her dad’s health, saw him on Hinge while she was in San Diego for 3 months in 2020, texted him and apologized for ghosting him, ended up going on 2-3 more dates, took a selfie in front of his house and sent it to him but acted like she didn’t know that was his house and made a TikTok about it, things ended up not working but she doesn’t make it clear on who ended it. She can now see she shouldn’t have been going on dates during this time when her dad was sick.
Good on Paper Divorced Dude
Met a couple of years ago (she told this story on TikTok in 2020) on Bumble
The Groomsman
Met at her friend Ashley’s wedding in Chicago Oct 2019, had a “two night stand” with him, texted/talked/FT’d for 3-4 months, divorced, never dated seriously/FWB, saw each other a couple time when he came to NYC, Ali stopped talking with him due to FMH and her trying to find a serious relationship, he starts dating someone, follows FMH on insta, slid into her DM in 2022 and then sent her soup while she was sick, turns out he’s single again, 2 months later Ali is heading to Chicago and texts him “Hello! Reminder that my arrival to your neck of the woods is imminent” and turns out he is now seeing someone and Ali doesn’t see him while in Chicago (at least she doesn’t mention it)
Unnicknamed person
He was her plus one at her best friend from college’s NYE wedding 2019/2020, met and hung out with Ali’s mom, posted photos of them together on her personal Insta story, “fully dating but weren’t official hehe” doesn’t have a nickname/never gave him a nickname? This could be The Latvian/the person she texted her friend in DC about saying “I think I’m on a date with my husband”

Starts FMH on January 2020 on Instagram/TikTok

The Traveler
He was browsing Bumble while Ali was in the bathroom during their first date, he was banned from Bumble and was using his grandma phone number. Ali turned down a second date
The Duke
Early FMH, went for long periods of time in between texts, 7-8 Zoom dates while Ali was in San Diego and he was in NY, Ali said you could see three of his ex’s on his instagram page (without scrolling), they finally went on one date and it was “meh” but they did kiss on their date
The Oyster
Matched on Bumble (he had one photo and no bio) two weeks before Valentines Day, Gemini, a lawyer, part of the 13 First Dates in 30 Days series (he was #13), dated Feb 2020-Aug 2020, love bomber, felt “the spark” and became official after 3 dates, best first date ever??? at the time, said “I love you” to Ali after two weeks, “For most of my relationship with The Oyster, he didn’t live in the city he had moved to Connecticut without telling me”, would fight all the time, opposite political views, Ali felt like a “fucking summer camp director” because she planned all their dates and he would get upset if Ali didn't have a plan, sought out a therapist (Megan) because of her relationship struggles because of him, went to Mass/church, he wanted a traditional marriage/life/wife/kids (at one point had Ali thinking she wanted that), didn’t want to live in NYC, didn’t support BLM, Cindy hated him
The Pilot
Went on 3 dates, texted a lot, didn’t hear back from him in four days and when she said she was looking to date someone who showed more consistency, he replied saying he met someone the day after their last date who seems to have more free time than Ali and he wants to pursue that but would like to be friends, Ali said on TikTok that this other women “bent her schedule to his schedule” and she was unwilling to do that. Mostly talked about him on TikTok
The Analyst
Matched on Bumble two years ago and went on one date, re matched in 2021 and he stood Ali up, she send him a text “getting stood up” script and he never replied. Only mentioned him on TikTok (?)

Ali and Roark start FMH: The Podcast February 2021

The Boomerang
First date on the pod? I couldn't find anything else about him
The Scuba Diver
The Music Man
One date, “he didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just not for me”, amped up small talk, complimented Ali a lot which made her feel awkward cause she wasn’t feeling it, he texted her and asked for a second date and Ali sent the no ghosting script
The Bet
Uses the phrase “ok bet”, 28 years old shoe designer, only went on one dinner date to a spot he picked, turns out its cash only and he didn’t bring cash, was not into him , not looking for the same thing
The Dinosaur
Nickname was previously The Hawaiian, first date at Dinosaur BBQ, stood in a parking spot to save for Ali, he asked for a kiss after their date and Ali declined saying maybe next time
The Rose
He sent her a rose on hinge, first date was an hour long walk in the park while drinking beer
The Comic
Matched on Hinge, older than Ali (Ali’s friends express how happy they were to hear that), had brunch on their first date (was the first part of a double header but the second guy canceled), listed as “moderate” politically on Hinge, good and easy convo, went back and forth twice over text and then never heard back from him, “technically not ghosting...”
The Camper
Met in the wild at a volleyball tournament in July, lives in Chicago, 27 years old, hung out the whole time, over heard Ali asking someone to get her a make out partner, gave Ali his number, drunkly ask him for a FT date in the future and he didn’t reply, Ali texts him again about a volleyball thing and he replied back with not a lot of enthusiasm, Ali is going to Chicago in Sept for a volleyball tournament and she’s already planning on playing 4-on-4 with her best friend vs. his roommate and maybe The Camper, he texts her saying he has to work on the date of the tournament and won’t be able to do the 4-on-4 game, “I feel like I got broken up with someone I never want to date in the first place”

Ali’s Matchmaker contract starts in August 2021 - 6 matches

The Schmoozer
Went on a dinner date, was chatting up the waitress in a kind of creepy way, was bragging about a lot of things and it turned Ali off and Ali texted him her no ghosting script
The Accountant
1st matchmaker match, 31 years old, lives in BK, his dad has also passed away, easy to talk to, on the third date she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with him and in her gut doesn’t feel like this would be a slow burn, Ali breaks things off with him, months (?) later he sent Ali a 5 min long voice memo and they said they were both down to see each other as friends. He later on dated and ghosted Erica
The Aussie
Matched on Hinge, in politics, from Australia but lived all over the place, asked Ali what she’s looking for on the first date and he said he’s “casually looking for something serious”, Ali accidentally walks up to a different person on their second date, Ali texts him saying she would love to see him before he leaves on a trip and she wasn’t happy that it took him till the next day to reply and he can’t see her before he leaves
The Goalie
Was supposed to be Ali’s 2nd match, he’s a paying client, Ali didn’t hear back from him for a while when she told him where she lived, he wrote to the matchmaker saying that she lived too far away even though it states where she lives in her matchmaker profile
The Journalist
2nd matchmaker match, ended things because she was dating/pursuing things with The Discoball and paused her matchmakers matches

The Threepeat
Matched multiple times on dating apps but this recent time with Hinge, Amazon seller, first date was a pizza lunch date (with bubbles aka champagne) and he gave her a single yellow carnation, talked a lot about her “side hustles” aka her food blog, coaching, FMH and the pod (Ali didn’t mentioned the name on FMH), had an awkward half kiss during the date and then gave her a peck when they said goodbye, he had no night stands by his bed?, spent the night but told public pod they had a movie night, different kissing styles, 6 dates, broke things off with Ali two days before her first date with The Rower WHILE Ali was on a Halloween girls trip
The Rower
Dated from Halloween 2021 till early Feb 2022, Pisces who is 6 days older than Ali, has an ex-fiancé (they dated for 8 years, engaged for two of them, she broke off the engagement with him 1.5 years ago once he started dating Ali), has a shared dog with this ex, slept together around Xmas on the fourth date and Ali got a UTI, first time having “omg this is awesome sex” since ASV, first person Ali slept next to wearing an eye mask "that's a big step for me", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, on New Years Day told her that he sees “long term relationship potential” with her but doesn’t want to be exclusive after 5 dates, “we didn’t talk all week”, he said he wasn’t as ready as he though to date someone seriously and “I don’t know why I don’t want to be in a relationship with you” they broke up over the phone, Ali said he’s a good human and wants to date someone like him, 3.5 weeks later Ali drunk texted him at 3:00 am saying “its really hard not to talk to you” which Ali said was a lie, he replied back (few days? A week later?) while Ali was on another date and it made her cry a bit, she replied back saying “the door is closed but not locked” in regards if he wants to get back together. “Fin… for now”

2022

The Discoball
Matched on Hinge but didn’t go on a first date for two week, Gemini, used to be a singer in a band, moved from DC to NYC, went on 7 dates in 2022, had a dog w/ ex and ex got full custody once he moved, met one of his friends on the second date, slept with him on the second date “morning and night”, he tried to find the podcast without knowing the name, podcasted from his house in DC, he would send Ali photos of them together “all the time”, gave a virtual presentation from his hotel room, did Molly together in DC, had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, moved to BK (didn’t see each other for 2 months pre-move), had a sex-less sleepover (a milestone for Ali), he showed up for her on her dad’s death date (something that a person she’s dating has never done), used to listen to the pod but stopped before they stopped seeing each other, ghosted her after they had a talk about moving things forward to exclusive and Ali texted him something along the lines of “your silence is the answer” when she didn’t hear back from him for a week and he ghosted her. Ali said he sucks in #77 AUA
Lisbon
The Brit
M&M
The Come Back Kid
They went on 2-3 dates in Nov 2018 and reconnected in May 2022, "felt immediately comfortable", sat next to a very drunk lady on their second 1st date and was supportive but "didn't step on Ali's toes" when the drunk lady said something offensive to Ali, couldn’t remember if they slept together or not, knows about FMH, ghosted Ali
The Trainer
The Cold Brew
The Nomad
3rd matchmaker match, reminded Ali of The Oyster, wanted kids and didn’t want to live in NYC forever, Ali was upset at first because her matchmaker was supposed to screen for that but the matchmaker DID check and it wasn’t mentioned when she was screening The Nomad, no second date because those are dealbreakers to him
The Catcher
Matched on Bumble, “good not great” after their first date, ~April 2022, talked about sports a lot on their first date
The Gentleman
4th matchmaker match, knew about Ali’s FMH socials before their date, Ali didn’t like his texting style, awkward intro on their first date “like hugging a 2 x 4”, he runs a dating event company and actually email Ali to be a guest on the pod when FMH first started, awkward goodbye, didn’t discuss the actual first date on the main pod because she doesn’t want to give him a reason to reach out again
The Tennis Pro
Ali had a good time on their date, “He is an adult, he’s mature” BUT “I don’t think he was into it”
The Padre
Matched on Bumble, 3 dates, from San Diego, “energy mismatch”, doesn’t want to know or listen to FMH, no psychical connection/kiss, only a kiss on the cheek on their last date, “I haven’t spoken to him since Friday night [a week]”, she didn’t want to do what The Threepeat did to her (break up while on vacation/traveling), she said it might be a MOO

Roark leaves and Erica joins the pod Oct 31st 2022

Captain Kirk
5th matchmaker match, found him on Bumble before their in-person date, ghosted Ali AND the matchmaker???
6th matchmaker match
Last match and Ali states she will not talk about this date or anything about it
JFK Kirk?
Matched on Bumble, didn’t realize he’s located in SD, exchanged personal instagram info, not sure where things went or how things ended

Kirk #1
Met in the wild, make out a lot the night they met, “stealing kisses throughout the night”, exchanged numbers, planned a date (no specifics, just the day) but when Ali texted him day of he asked to reschedule (no specifics again), he replied back that he’s picking up a rental car, told him she’s looking for someone to respect her time and he never replied back

2023

The Falcon
First date of 2023, matched on The League, first nickname was “League Kirk”, hard to talk to, felt like Ali was always reaching for the next topic, likes to travel, “there wasn’t a vibe”, MOO
The Roommate
Used to be her friend’s roommate and have met before (Ali doesn’t remember but it was the day after that exclusive convo with The Rower), “totally cute”, reunited at their mutual friend’s engagement party January 2023, made out at the bar, comes back to her place and sleeps over (no sex), Ali questions why her friends never set them up and its because he was taking a break from dating, first date they made out a lot at the bar (again), “I really felt like we were already a couple”, “It didn’t feel like a first date”, mentions her FMH content has popped up on his FYP, tried texting him after their date and he wasn’t giving effort, she’s glad she didn’t sleep with him because “one night stands aren’t my thing”, MOO
The Belgian
Matched on Bumble, accidentally had their first date during a trivia night at a bar, easy to talk to
The Viking
Ali forgot they had a first date on the day of said date
Tinder Man
Matched on Tinder (duh) on Valentine’s Day, first Tinder date in three years, good convo on first date but got a pushy vibe from him at the second bar they went to, put his hand up her sweater and was kissing her in the bar, made Ali uncomfortable and she told him that after her asked her on a second date
The Historian
Matched on Bumble, good conversation on the first date with a wide range of topics like “urban planning and its impact on feminism”, he’s in grad school
The Georgian
Matched on Hinge, he asked if she was free on Friday and she said yes but didn’t hear back from him in two days and in that time she made plans for Friday, rescheduled for a Saturday afternoon date at a dive bar, ate on her way to her date “it would be next level rude to eat on the subway”, good first date, talked about places he wants to take her to
The Publicist
Matched on Tinder, lives in BK, Jewish, one year younger then Ali, good first date, invited him to the Chaotic Singles Party that night, came over to Ali's apartment (which Ali said was messy) before and he made her favorite cocktail for her, a couple of listeners met him at the CSP, goofy and silly convo mixed with deep and serious convos, second date was at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and a tasting menu dinner, he made a Resy reservation and Ali got an email saying she was added to it ”fuck receiving gifts, THAT’S my love language”, he's into words like Ali, he sneezed and Ali said "God bless you" but then corrected herself and said "gesundheit" and he leaned over and kissed her and said he loves that she cares about her words, he met her friends on the third date ”It felt so easy. It felt so comfortable”, her friends took “sneaky” picture and videos of them together which Ali said she loves a sneaky pic, took all their date recap videos on his phone, cooked Ali steak on their fourth date, "it's very comfortable", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, Ali met two of his friends and some of his teammates he plays a rec sport with, had sex the day they took a trip outside of the city, Erica met him before their trip to Greece and I said “he’s dorky in a good way”, WhatsApp video chatted while in Greece and told her “see you in two days!” at the end of their call, said she felt less anxious about him compared to other relationships while on vacation, sent him a birthday present while she was in Greece, felt an energy shift coming back from vacation and didn’t hear back from him 3 days after she came home, Ali requested a call to talk about this distances she was feeling, ”I did the 12 date rule and it didn’t work!”, she said the distance help her see that they’re not compatible, went on a total of 9 dates. Ali talks about the “break up” on episode 123
Mr. Chaotic
Matched on Tinder but he saw Ali at the Chaotic Singles Party and Cassidy the host is there mutual friend, went to a brewery and played games on their first date (Ali said this was her favorite first dates in episode 147 where they recapped 2023), works in entertainment industry, very high energy, knows about FMH and he said she's entertaining to watch, splits his time between NYC and some unknown city, texted while she was in Greece, ”The man gives good texts”
Random Matchmaker Match
Withdrew his match to Ali because he found her FMH socials. Talked about on #71 AUA
Gone with the Wind
Matchmaker match, said some gross things about women in volleyball outfits on their first date, Ali told her matchmaker about this, ”I would describe him as misogynistic overall”, Ali was glad he did say those weird things so early on so she didn’t waste her time, the matchmaker flagged his account. This was around June 2023
The Rock
Ali knows him from an activity that they used to be involved with in the city (she's very vague about what this is) from 8 years ago, he had a very serious/long term GF when they met, follows her personal Insta, has never talked about him because he’s never been a “prospect”, summer 2023 they met up to catch up and found out that he’s now recently single but he’s moving out of NYC for work, Ali texts Cindy saying she thinks this is a date, Cindy said to tell him that you really want to kiss him, he ends up telling Ali “I really want to kiss you”, made out at the bar, Ali invited him back to her apartment and they had sex the night before Ali ended things with The Publicist, “one night stand vibes” but she said she was down to do it again, Patreon only and talked about on #75 AUA
The Tourist
Matched on Hinge, just moved to Brooklynn, went to a brewery in BK for their first date, Ali showed up to the date dripping in sweat, allergic to cats, he sent Ali a ‘no ghosting’ text the next morning
The Stout
Matched on Bumble, ”we had really great banter right away”, laughed the whole time on their first date, talked about going on a second date during their first date
Speed Racer
Matched on Bumble, drinks first date, axe throwing second date, made out after their second date, MOO, randomly texted Ali ~6 months later because he said one of Ali’s date recap videos about him popped up on his FYP (Ali and Erica think this is a lie), he thought Ali wasn’t into him, he claims he was doing all the work with texting even though there was only a few messages since they exchanged numbers after their second date
Billy Joel
Recently sober, Ali said she felt like they had several inside jokes before they met in person, ate pizza on her way to their first date, second date was getting coffee and going to the museum, they cooked dinner together for their third date at Ali’s apartment and they watched 90 Day Fiancé (he didn’t like it), he Googled how to clean a red wine stain when it spilled on her countertop, he asked if she wanted to have sex and she turned it down, the next day/the day before a 7am flight Ali booty called him and they had sex, she was drunk and said the sex wasn’t good/they stopped mid way, helped Ali pack for her flight, Ali said he’s at a crossroad and he doesn’t seem like a long term fit, Erica found a condom on the ground while cat sitting, Ali said she didn’t regret hooking up with him but wishes she hadn’t done it, MOO
Sales Cycle
30 seconds in and Ali said he was very boring, only really talked about his job, stared at Ali’s boobs, “might be a MOO”, texted her ‘merry christmas’

2024

Pie Guy/Dr. Laundry
Matched on The League, 34 years old, requested a nickname change from Pie Guy to Dr. Laundry, he had to cancel their second date because he got hit by a car, went on two dates, Ali sent him a pic of his subway stop saying something along the lines of “the stop isn’t looking as cute today” and turns out someone he dated with in that photo, were supposed to go on a third date the night she got back from a bachelorette party but he didn't answer her text when she said she landed, the next day he asked her how her trip was not acknowledging her previous text at all, Ali expressed her disappointment and he replied that he was tired last night, she said she would've been understanding if he said something then ghosted her
Andddd I stopped listening to the podcast around the Dr. Pie Laundry Guy but have stayed up to date with everything via this sub.
I have a huge interest in dating culture, human behavior and data similar to Ali and this little project of mine was really interesting once I got the framework of this list. I started this list once I found this sub in December 2023 and started re listening to the Patreon while working out (and lost 10 lbs ayeee) and writing down information in my notes app. I did my best to keep this list unbiased and just give facts and information that was said.
My own thoughts after making this list is that I'm very sad for Ali. I didn't realize the extent of her dating history. I think about my own dating history or even my friends who are in their 30's and dating and Ali's dating lore runs so deep. Is Ali unlucky with love? Did she pass on someone that could have been great for her? How has she had so many dates with little success in a long term partner or even going beyond 6-8 dates? Or is Skyline the person she has been waiting for? What's the pattern with all this dates/men? So many questions.
I truly do hope Ali finds her guy because I believe theres someone for everyone. Until then, I'll be hopping into this sub (cause y'all are too funny and give the best advice) and waiting for Ali to find Mr. Height.
Enjoy and I look forward to everyone thoughts! I'll keep my eye out for any edits that need to be made.
Bonus quotes:
“Longest relationship was a little under a year and a half. Haven’t made it past 6 months with anyone else” - AUA #7 11/27/21
“I spent the first 10+ years of my dating life being sort of perennially single” -1. The Actual First One episode 2/21/21
"I think my parent's story is the reason why I think that I can romantically get back together with an ex and it'll work out" -The Dave Glaser Podcast 4/5/21
“Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in, with a couple of exceptions, started as a situationship.” -21. The Undefined One 7/11/21
“All of my boyfriends have been white” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“You definitely need an older guy” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“I’ve been on the dating apps since high school. Dating websites at the time” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Who would be the perfect man for Ali?”
“Clearly a combination of the The Dentist and [the early stages of] The Buffalo” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Do you consider The Rower or Disco ball to have been situationships?”
“No, I don't consider either The Rower or The Disco Ball to be situationships” -question asked on TikTok 11/9/22

Inspired by the Crystal thread; so many digs directed at both Crystal and Kendra that get overlooked because of Holly’s finesse. Their quiet fight goes back well before Kendra jumped on Twitter. And just to get it out of the way, I won’t be linking to Kendra’s tweets about Holly after her book came out. I think we all know about them and they’re on Google.
This is a timeline on the backstory leading up to the 2015 tweets detailing their feud up to that point.
For starters, check out the book recaps from each of their memoirs, with quotes both Holly and Kendra made toward each other.
Kendra’s book comments about Holly
While Holly and Bridget were indignant and calling Kendra’s book ‘lies’, a lot of what they called out as lies were either a matter of interpreting her retelling of events from her perspective, or have some plausibility.
Like her ‘lie’ about not sleeping with Hef before moving in. If you read the excerpt from her book, it’s just a matter of when Kendra officially became a girlfriend after what was essentially a ‘trial run’. It’s semantics of when she technically considered the relationship official.
Or the idea of Hef asking her to move in the first night without a ‘casting couch’ situation being unprecedented—Playmate and ex-girlfriend Stephanie Heinrich describes a very similar courtship
Holly and Bridget were taken aback at the ‘lie’ that Kendra felt lost at the mansion and wandered around, but in the commentary both things happened—Kendra was overwhelmed and Bridget helped. The retelling doesn’t make it a lie. Or that Kendra said they didn’t re-wear outfits when they did, and Izabella spoke about the pressure to always have new, non-repeat outfits for promotional/press events and Kendra didn’t specify the difference.
Any comments about Holly in ‘Sliding into Home’ basically boil down to ‘we weren’t close at first, her focus was Hef, our interests were different, but we grew closer over the course of the show’.
But in Holly’s ‘retaliation’ through her book, there are nonstop digs at Kendra, both subtle and explicit. To name just a few: a loudmouth, entitled, lazy person who fried her brain with drugs.
Holly’s book comments about Kendra
Seriously, she goes in on Kendra.
During the course of the show, there are some revealing moments in the form of passive-aggressive digs at her over the commentary here and here
And a couple out of so many examples of Holly changing the topic on any Kendra-relates scenes to not have attention on her here and here
This article cites reporting from Page Six about the end being near for GND and that Holly and Kendra are fighting:
“Holly and Bridget hate her,” a friend of Wilkinson told Page Six. “They’re totally jealous. She has her own empire now. She’s got a clothing line, a modeling career and an exercise empire. They’re just sitting there hangin’ with Hef.” The friend expounds, “Kendra was never really Hef’s girlfriend. She was cast for the show [E!’s ‘The Girls Next Door’] because Bridget and Holly are old, and they needed a young hot girl for Hef. She was selected from a bunch of Playmate wannabes.” Madison is 28, Marquardt, 34. Wilkinson celebrated her 21st birthday last year. Wilkinson is said to be eyeing her exit from “The Girls Next Door” and the famed mansion next season. “She’s definitely out,” her friend said. “There are too many rules and Holly and Bridget want her gone. They’re so mean to her.”
Holly responded on her MySpace that the article was a lie, and she and Kendra get along fine with no jealousy, only to make a bunch of digs at her expense:
“The latest Page 6 story is especially dumb. Saying I am jealous of Kendra because she has an "empire" and I'm "just sitting around with Hef"? What "empire"? I guess because I have a real full-time job aside from The Girls Next Door (excuse me for having a brain and having something REAL going on in my life as opposed to following in the footsteps of the socialite-of-the-week) means I am "sitting around" doing nothing. I guess having people announce clothing lines and workout products that never come to fruition means you are doing something.”
https://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com/25635091.html
In Kendra’s 2011 book ‘Being Kendra’ she wrote:
Of course I’d had relationship with people like Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt in the past, but they were really just roommates, not close friends. We shared a boyfriend, we shared the spotlight, but now that I’m a mom we’re all just in different places. I just changed. I think it’s something that just happens naturally when you become a mom. You just grow up. Someone like Holly has a different lifestyle from me. I love her but I don’t know the people she hangs out with—they are more on the party scene, and I’ve put those days behind me. We still talk (she always gave me amazing words of encouragement during Dancing with the Stars and sent me fun little notes) but being a Vegas showgirl and constantly on the prowl for a new boyfriend . . . that’s her world, not mine. When it came to the baby, people like that just weren’t around. I was very alone.
[this 2015 article](RadarOnlinehttps://radaronline.com › photos › h...holly madison kendra wilkinson feud hank baskett ...) goes into their falling out—basically that Holly called Kendra fake, and her husband Hank wanted her to distance herself from Playboy:
According to Holly, Kendra cut ties with both her and Bridget after their run on the show ended in 2009; Holly said after she texted Kendra calling her cowardly and the "fakest person," the aloof reality star shot back, "WHO ARE YOU???? I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU! WE WERE NEVER FRIENDS. IT WAS ALL JUST WORK."
"He wanted no ties to anyone from her Playboy lifestyle even though that's how Kendra and Hank got together," the friend claimed.
"A lot of it has to do with the fact that Kendra lacked a father figure," the friend claimed. "She just sought father figures in the relationships that she was in."
Shaded Kendra in this 2013 interview:
Wilkinson herself has a 3-year-old son, yet the 33-year-old Madison has revealed that she still talks to Bridget Marquardt, but not Wilkinson or Hugh Hefner. Madison explained that: ''Bridget and I are still friends, but I don't talk to anyone else. I moved on from the whole Playboy thing five years ago and really never looked back. I'm not one of those girls who goes back to all the parties and things.''
“I tried to be friends with her. I’ve known about three different Kendra’s since I met her.”
“Here was a rookie who had just gone all the way with an old dude and her only concern was how big her room was going to be”

As we all know, currently in May 2024 about one third through the year, it has been completely uneventful and filler. Some people compare 2024 to 2008 as they believe 2024 still has potential a "backloaded" type of shift on an election year but even the first half of 2008 had the great recession effects, the release of Iron Man(start of the MCU), Obama vs Hillary(DNC primaries) and Facebook starting to gain a noticeable amount of traction even if it hadn't overtaken MySpace yet. The momentum was already there in the first half of 2008 for a major paradigm shift later that year, whereas Q1 and Q2 2024 has been by every sense of the word, filler.
People kept hyping up the student protests but this phenomenon is dissipating and people have been acknowledging that recently. These protest have been going on for about a month. They aren't going to spiral into a "Summer of 2020" type situation.
Now let's address the elephant in the room. Just because there is an election(even if the non-incumbent wins), does not make a year a shift year by default. If Trump wins, he won't get in office until January of next year, making 2025 the shift. If Biden wins, there is no shift.
Unfortunately, 2024 has proven to be a complete nothingburger. Transitional at best if the stars align but 0% chance to be a shift. 2025 will likely be the next shift with Project 2025, GTA6, Windows 12, etc.

This year. I caught In Flames set. I don't really listen to the band all that much, but last time they were at Rockville I managed to catch their set right before the rain delay which I loved. I also like Lorna Shore and they seem to be that bands biggest influence.
I watched this years in flames set left side stage about 8-9 rows back. It was a pretty spread out crowd, so it was super easy to see the performance and the people around us. Alot of people around us knew every word, which is pretty shocking seeing how little you can really understand vocally. But always a great thing.
There was specifically a younger girl behind me (about 13-14 years old MAYBE) with her dad who was there and they both knew every word. I'm 22 and it reminded me of when I was at shows when I was younger, seeing Asking Alexandria and Myspace deathcore bands that I really liked. Well, at the end of the performance I managed to catch a drum stick. I have a pretty solid collection of drum sticks and guitar picks labeled, but the daughter and father combo both were like "aw man! It was right there! So close but congratulations on getting it" attitude so I gave it to them. The girl started tearing up and the dad thanked me and shook my hand.
I hope I made their festival experience alot better.
I hope you see this and if an opportunity reveals itself to do something good or right for someone else, to make their weekends that much better do so. I haven't had anyone do anything nice to me in the years of going to this festival (quite the opposite tbh) but i'll tell you. The joy of seeing their face with the drumstick was worth more to me than that drumstick ever could be.

Like most (if not all) of us my life was on MySpace and later Facebook. I never really thought about it then, but I was creating the photo albums my parents kept stored away in their closets.
Eventually I needed a more professional email than the one I created Hotmail and had mostly moved on from MySpace at that point. Years later I would realize Facebook was an awful place and delete my account.
I've completely lost access to my MySpace account/profile (yes they're still out there if you haven't looked). And more frustratingly over the years of hard drive swaps, and thumb drives, and iPhoto, and Google Drive, I've lost my Facebook data dump.
When people share photos of the good old days I have hard stop that isn't older than about 10 years.
I'll never be able to show my kids my Mohawk and lip ring, they'll just have to take my word for it.

I’ve seen many people hating minimalism, flat design, corporate Memphis. I could kind of see why corporate Memphis would be considered ugly. However it shouldn’t be mixed with minimalism as it’s looks better. Not sure why are people in the last few years are finally complaining about minimalism instead of happening earlier. There are better kind of minimalistic art such as the Beatles 2018 white album super deluxe edition cover, make it funky now music video, pop culture fanart, minimalistic paintings, fan made movie posters, monument valley. It feels like people are looking at the bad versions of the genre and not looking at actual good ones. People tend to forget that maybe older aesthetics or older trends were probably hated during its lifetime. Such as 50s googie, it was criticized for being too flashy.
For changing logos, not every change of a logo is bad. Such as intel core. For bad logos tho, people act like it’s the end of the word. When there’s more actual stuff to be concerned about. There are minimalistic logo templates which look way better and companies should’ve used that.
I’ve seen some weird unnecessary aesthetics coming up such as older brother core. Like ok, it’s good but how is that a specific design/aesthetic for a decade? Frutiger Aero is good but very overrated and overlooked. It feels like people only want old design back only because it’s nostalgia and not because they want a good design. I enjoy the emo myspace design better as it gives a more angry vibe of the 2000s and maybe I listen to emo music. And it’s also kind of odd to see music subcultures being treated as an aesthetic when there’s more to it than the fashion and design.
All I’m saying is that it’s okay to enjoy aesthetics but there should be a limit on what is considered an aesthetic and you shouldn’t overly obsessed with it. Including hating modern aesthetics. People should just make their own art design, website ui, and logo designs as an alternative.

🪞 “It's much easier to get in that it is to get out,” Emilie Autumn used to say. Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4.1 - Part 4.2
She was not wrong. Welcome back to the Asylum write-up!
In this installment, we're finally getting down to the nitty-gritty of the enmity between EA and her fans.
It's time for war. It's time for blood. It's time... for tea. 🎵

THE PRESENT DAY: “ASK ME ANYTHING (WELL, NOT QUITE)”

​

"Ask me anything" titles are catchy, and that’s why I’m using one. But, obviously, don’t ask me anything, by which I mean that, if you think I wouldn’t answer it, you’re probably right. Ask me something really good. I’d love to answer you. I’d love to have comments on these posts, in fact, so that I could answer questions there regularly and ask you things as well, but insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, or so Einstein is supposed to have said, and attempting to create yet another interactive online venue after every previous attempt has ended in heartbreak—forums, facebook groups, social media accounts—it would indeed be insanity to think that this time would be any different. So there are no comments. This too is heartbreaking in the sense that, and you may not realize this, but I desperately want to connect more completely with you—to be able to intelligently converse and share and exchange. We can do that in person, of course, because the wrong people never show up in person. Isn’t that funny… So, perhaps we’ll have to arrange that;). I’ll start you off with an example question I’d want to know if I were you (I can almost guarantee that you do not want to know this). Q. Hey EA, how do you keep your wireless bodypack transmitter secure when you are leaping about in skimpy costumes and doing frequent costume changes? Also, dye your roots. A. Fantastic question, EA, and I just dyed my roots thank you very much. ... (Deleted blog post followed by a year of radio silence, 2022 📝)

Sooo. For the past five-ish years, the vibe in the Asylum has been that of a protracted Christmas dinner where everyone is tensely moving their food around in their plate, bracing themselves for whatever will trigger the screaming match. Wondering what it's going to be this time. Weary old-timers make small talk about the food because no other topic feels safe. Every glance, every forced smile, is fraught with eons-old grudges and unspoken regrets; every nervous pleasantry sounds like a thinly-veiled accusation. Aunt Emilie always insists on hosting, but not-so-secretly hates having people over. Sooner or later, she finds a way to get all of these assholes out of her house. Most of the adult children are daydreaming about going no-contact.
Everyone ready for some dysfunctional family history?
CW for discussion of bullying, online harassment, mental illness stigma.

YE OLDEN DAYS: CUCKOOS OF A FEATHER NEST TOGETHER

In the beginning, it was beautiful.
EA had the excellent instinct to start banking on her online presence📝 long before MySpace was even a thing. She had a website, several online stores, an active LiveJournal and a ProBoards forum right from the turn of the millennium.
In 2004, she attached an official forum to her website; the earliest archive shows 74 registered users. By the time Opheliac came out in 2006, that number had grown tenfold. And it was, by most accounts, a pretty dope place to be! (I should specify that this write-up focuses on the anglophone side of the fandom: there were also thriving fan-run communities in at least German, French, and Spanish. Because EA doesn't speak any of those languages, the lucky bastards were mostly left alone.)
Forum users enjoyed interacting with some of EA's closest IRL friends and associates – and with the mistress of the house herself (user flair: PsychoFiddler), when she occasionally responded to comments under her own posts. But that wasn't even the main appeal for many. For a long time, on top of all EA-related topics, the official forum had very active “Off-Topic” subforums, with lively and friendly conversation on a variety of subjects. (There was even a “Filthy Libertines (18+)” sub for a while, which was closed due to preemptive concerns about minors.) Swear words (not slurs) were allowed and encouraged, and moderation was overall pretty loose beyond basic enforcement of civility. There was a lot of mutual support, creativity, and solid banter going around.

It wasn't just about Emilie on the forums. People could chat about almost anything with near free reign, making connections and lifelong friends. ... This community mattered SO MUCH to people. They felt included, accepted, and understood within the walls of the Asylum. People invested their time and creative energy into keeping the forums a vibrant, active community, and made sure that carried over into the real world. ... I've never seen anything like it in a fan space. I doubt I ever will again. (@Asylum_Oracle - “Fandom History” Instagram highlight 🔍📝, which contains most of the sources for this segment.)

And it did, indeed, carry over into the real world. There were numerous meet-ups – a few organized by EA, many more spontaneous. People who didn't know any other EA fans in real life, or were just excited to add new Plague Rats to their friend group, would regularly connect with other forum users from their area to meet up and hang out before EA shows. “Who else is dressing up??”
In 2008, for instance, EA held an afternoon meet-up at Lincoln Park in Chicago. 📺 The event was free to attend; it featured live acoustic music and a reading from EA's upcoming book, the intriguingly-titled Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls.
On the appointed day, EA rolled up in a fabulously tousled red wig, bedazzled white corset and steampunk-altered wedding dress. She had brought friends alongs. Sporting blue hair and a pink bustle and corset was her Chicago bestie, the main forum admin. Rocking a guitar and a top hat was EA's sound engineer, the soft-spoken wizard behind the Victoriandustrial sound, who was also a forum mod. The photographer from the original Opheliac cover art was there as well; he was formally introduced by EA and got his own round of applause.

People who would never normally be involved in an artist's fanbase were in EA's world. And not only were they known – they were respected and incredibly active with the fanbase. These people who managed an online message board were willing to engage in real-world meet-ups (with no security??) because of how tight-knit the community they had built was. People turned out to this event. People traveled to go to this event. It was a short reading of a book that hadn't been released yet, and wouldn't be for some time. Why? Because not only was it a chance to meet Emilie and listen to parts of the new book, but it was also a chance to hang out with their friends from the Asylum. ... The fandom really was a family for a lot of people. (@Asylum_Oracle)

“SERIOUSLY, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.”

It all started with The End.
The End Records, that is! Quick refresher: in 2009, after three years or so with Trisol, EA split from the label over allegations that the owner was embezzling money from ticket sales. A few months later, she signed with The End Records. Understandably, EA still wanted to sell the album that had made her famous, and to which she had smartly retained the rights – which meant a brand new, “Deluxe” release of Opheliac. (Remember, from part 3? The one you could pre-order as a bundle with the book? Some projects are just cursed, I guess.)
At that point, Opheliac had been released three times already, as recently as the year before, with only slight variations in format and tracklist. (Yes, that is a theme in this story.) The End Records version would feature new cover art and a handful of new tracks, but overall, it was... you know... the same album.
(The following paragraphs are largely sourced from this excellent recap 🔍📝, which also provides potato screenshots for all quotes.)
One fateful day of August 2009, a user started a thread entitled “Opheliac US edition deluxe re-release??” in the “EA News” subforum. In the thread, some people were kind of balking at the re-do, pondering whether to buy the “new” Opheliac or sit this one out. Some expressed that after three years, they were jonesing for a new album. Others shared what B-sides or dream covers they would have liked to see included on the bonus disc. Just... fans being fans, in a fan discussion space.
And then EA jumped out from behind the curtains.

Fan: Okay. Before I start, I just want you to know that I think it's very good that EA is getting more popularity, and that she can release lots of albums, but - are 5 editions of the same album really needed? You may say now “ah, it's not the same, it has 2 bonus tracks” or whatever, but I mean: it's not new material. Now don't get me wrong. I'm happy for it, maybe I'll even buy it, but I'm just wondering if she shouldn't keep herself busy with other (maybe more important) stuff? * hides * EA: Nobody's forcing you to buy it. Thanks.

Record scratch.

Fan 1: is this Opheliac release version number 4? lol If she's recording NEW tracks, then surely they deserve to be sold by themselves, otherwise people are going to have to buy an album that they may have already bought twice (like me!). But... alas, I am a fool and adore everything this woman does... im buying it lol Fan 2: exactly – if it was just reissuing the last version of Opheliac to tap into new markets that would be fine (...) but if they start adding extra bits of material to albums people already have then the true muffins are going to feel obliged to buy new copies (...) EA: How exactly are you obliged to buy anything? Nobody is forcing you to spend a fucking penny, my dears. I suppose it would make more sense to you to simply not have my records available any more as the old label I just escaped from will no longer be distributing them? Forgive me for adding extra tracks. No obligation necessary.

...Okay, so I'm pretty sure that we can see both sides of the argument here. Fans are annoyed at the idea of spending money on barely-anything-new, because they love EA and buy every single CD she releases. EA is exasperated by fans acting like she's twisting their arm and somehow resenting the inclusion of new material, when she was just ensuring that her album would remain available for purchase and trying to keep things interesting.
But maybe we can also agree that those replies should have been screamed into a pillow rather than typed out on a keyboard.
EA was getting increasingly (and, I'll just say it: disproportionately) sarcastic and defensive in her replies. Enter poor FantineDormouse.
FantineDormouse meant well, I think. Maybe she thought, she's spiraling. Maybe she thought, friends don't let friends go down that road. Granted, FantineDormouse probably should have known better than to phrase it the way she did. Or to assume that EA perceived her as a friend.
Either way, at some point, FantineDormouse jumped in and posted the comment that finally made EA lose it. THE comment which, overnight, ended the honeymoon period of the Asylum, triggering a doomsday domino effect from which the fandom would never truly recover. Are you comfortably seated?

FantineDormouse: Uhm, Emilie, love, I don't mean to sound rude or anything... but maybe you should have a cup of tea and relax a little.

...
* sound of archduke getting shot *

EA: Excuse me? You can throw this onslaught of absolute cruel bullshit at me and those I work with in my own space that I own, and I can't say anything back? How fucking patronizing. Relax? Are you fucking kidding me? Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? FD: I'm not trying to piss you off even more, Emilie. And trust me, I have to deal with it myself, and as much as I would really love to punch the cunts I have to deal with in the face, I don't. You're pissed off, I get it. You're bipolar, which makes it 10x worse, I get that. I'm just not the person to stand around and do nothing when a fight where I'm pretty sure there will be a lot of regret is going on.

Famous last words. Literally! Immediately after EA delivered her irate closing statement – which includes one of my all-time favorite EA zingers, bolded...

EA: I cannot believe this... You just don't stop, do you? So just because I've shared the personal information with you all that I happen to be bipolar, I can't get pissed off at all of you being perfectly awful in the very space that I pay fuckloads a month to have up (has it ever occurred to you all that I pay dearly for this space you play around in?) Why not just tell me that I must be upset because it's my time of the month? Seriously, get the fuck out of my house. You are unbelievable, and your level of patronization is almost criminal. Don't make me write another book. With muffins like you, who needs enemies? Nothing I say or feel is legitimate, not ever ever ever because I'm bipolar... discredited before I begin... unbelievable...

...FantineDormouse got permabanned.
Jaws dropped. After days of infighting between white knights, detractors, and crossfire negotiators, several mod resignations, and general mayhem surrounding the ban, EA made a post entitled “In Which: I Invite You to Make a Fucking Choice.” 📝 For brevity's sake (cue laugh track), I can't reproduce it in all of its righteous splendor, but it's quite a read. It runs the gamut from fair and articulate points about how mental illness shouldn't be used to discredit someone's legitimate anger... to histrionic commands that “deserters to the cause” should “turn in their weapons” if they can't handle her way of doing things.

To those of you who appear not to understand why said posts, most especially those of the banned party, were offensive to me, I give you the option to either educate yourselves on your own time and in your own space (because please never forget that this is my space that I share with all of you at my own expense, and in which I generally give you all the freedom I would wish for myself), or to resign your posts in the Asylum Army – this is not the place for you, and I humbly suggest that you turn your attention and support towards other artists of a more placid, non-controversial, and less opinionated nature; there are more than enough of them out there, and I’m sure they all have forums of their own.

Some fans did leave. Most stuck around, whiplashed. Soon, the storm quieted down, and business as usual resumed on the forum. But something had been damaged beyond repair. The FantineDormouse fiasco had erected walls and drawn lines in the sand, both around EA and among her fans; its sad specter would haunt every Asylum crisis that spiked up forever after. “Fucking Patronizing Fucking” or “FPF” 🔍 became memetic shorthand in the fandom for overreaction and self-righteousness. 🐀
...And now you understand why, in the following years, some fans were so delicate and diplomatic in voicing their very legitimate complaints about messed-up orders, unsigned books, and puzzling lies... while unofficial platforms like Tumblr flourished with pent-up resentment and snark. 🦠

A NOTE ON HARASSMENT: “MAD GIRL, CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO YOU?”

Wouldn't they stop When you asked them to leave you alone? (“Mad Girl”, 2008 🎵)

Now, let's be clear, because it should not be minimized: EA has also been the target of genuine online harassment. Based on the simple fact that she is a woman with a public presence on the internet, I have zero doubt that EA has received (and perhaps continues to receive) more than her share of truly vile, bigoted, creepy and threatening messages – and, knowing what I know about the darker recesses of the Asylum, a terrifying amount of emotional blackmail and obsessive projection from people who hold her to punitively high standards. I'm also inclined to believe that it started way before she ever did anything that warranted any backlash. And that fucking sucks. It's repulsive and inexcusable, and the people who harass her should crawl into a hole and live among the worms.
Notwithstanding. In my decade-plus of following EA drama, the public comments on EA's own platforms (where people knew she was likely to be reading) have been, for the most part... civil and nuanced, and relatively mindful of the human? Even very confrontational comments (some clearly written from a place of anger and desire to shame) rarely resorted to outright name-calling or cruelty. When abusive or bigoted language did crop up, it was often promptly shut down by other fans as gross and uncalled for. In short: I have, with mine own two eyes, in real time, read some of the comment sections that EA described as cesspools of blind rage and odious attacks, and... I just couldn't see it.
If anything, for a long time, a lot of the angry comments directed at EA during any given controversy read more like break-up letters to an ex-best friend: harsh, curt and targeted in a way that cuts deep.... but also kind of screams how much love you still have for this person, against your better judgement.
Not that it wouldn't mess a person up to get hundred of those in a matter of hours, even if they don't individually qualify as “abusive”.
It's worth noting that prior to becoming semi-famous and regretting it, EA was also (by her own account and among other forms of abuse) a victim of intense childhood bullying. It feels like the two situations are closely connected in her mind when her focus seamlessly transitions from one to the other. 📺 I don't think that tremor in her voice is put on.
Based on her writings, I get the feeling that over the years, EA has developed a very black-and-white view of two monolithic groups of people. There's (an idealized vision of) her “real audience”, well-dressed, well-read, kind-hearted, and Asylum-savvy, who she fully trusts to “get it” – and buy it, and love it, unquestioningly, whatever “it” may be at any given time – because that is the true measure of love and loyalty. These are the people she makes art and merch for, the people she writes heart-emoji-filled newsletters to, and desperately longs to see in person again.
And then there's the lynch mob, those who really don't “get it”: the trolls, the faceless creeps, the basement-dwelling mouthbreathers, the ones who stalk her every move obsessively, waiting for any chance to spam her with vicious abuse and slander and obscenities. The latter only exist online (they are manifested into arbitrary existence by the internet itself, not by anything EA said or did), and there is zero overlap between the two sets of people. That seems to be the official narrative.

The "public eye" isn't an [enviable] place to be, and the closer I've come to it, the more horrified I've been. Because, for starters, who is "the public?" Is "the public" my audience? Hell no. My audience is special. They are not the general public. If they were the general public I would be a lot wealthier. The "public eye" means getting stalked, harassed, viscously judged, and put in danger. If I do things in the future that gain notoriety, I will do them in spite of fame, not because of it. I am out for world domination, but not fame. (Interview for The Moaning Times, 2014 📝)

In real life (well, mostly online, but I mean: on this shared plane of existence), things play out slightly differently. The Venn diagram of “true blue fans” and “people who criticize EA" and "people who know way too much about EA” is a circle. The call is 100% coming from inside the Asylum, and I think EA rationally knows that. But here's the thing: no matter how many shows and meet-and-greets you've dressed up for, how many loving and supportive comments you've left, or how many family heirlooms you once pawned to purchase a copy of the not-for-sale 2003 DJ pressing of Enchant... the instant EA feels attacked, everyone is a saboteur and a bully until proven otherwise, and suspected treason is dealt with on the spot. One strike, you're out. Unfortunately for everyone involved, her threshold for bullying seems to be “any remotely thoughtless opinion from any stranger on the internet”.
It makes for outstanding human-interest entertainment... but it also sounds an awful lot like the unhealthy patterns of a person suffering from all sorts of PTSD. 🔍 So, please bear that in mind as you read through this write-up. It's easy to make EA out to be the sole villain, a paranoid and delusional drama queen, based on her extreme reactions to things that often “weren't that bad”. Anything can, in fact, be “that bad” when you're thrown back into the very worst moments of your existence every time your brain decides that the situation is even remotely similar.
PTSD takes over your rational mind and actively distorts your perception of reality. That can be how a person ends up impulse-reacting to “a few people expressing an unfavorable opinion” as if the entire internet had just ganged up on them with knives. Which makes their audience feel unjustly accused, which makes them hostile, which gives the person actual good reason to feel attacked... and so the cycle of hurt continues.

You know the games I play And the words I say When I want my own way You know the lies I tell When you've gone through hell And I say I can't stay You know how hard it can be To keep believing in me When everything and everyone Becomes my enemy, and when There's nothing more you can do I'm gonna blame it on you – It's not the way I wanna be I only hope that in the end You will see: It's the Opheliac in me... (“Opheliac”, 2006 🎵)

And YES, it is extremely regrettable to have this as a trigger, when you're a public figure and you're bound to receive more negative feedback than the average citizen. “It's what she signed up for”, “it comes with the territory” and all that jazz. I really don't think EA was unaware of that fact when she decided to become a musician, share her personal life, and form an intense parasocial bond with her audience. But maybe she underestimated how hard it would be to process and recover from.
Just because you expect something unpleasant to happen, doesn't mean your psyche will be ready to handle it when it does – or that you'll pick the best and most effective strategy to deal with it.

A MADHOUSE UNDER MARTIAL LAW: MARCHING INTO THE FORUM WARS

There are two sides to every story... except for this one! (“If I Burn”, 2012 🎵)

You may have noted the military imagery in EA's “Make a Fucking Choice” response post – “resign your post in the Asylum Army”! What do psychiatry and the military have in common? They're both institutions of top-down social control. 🔍 EA's mixed metaphor may be a bit clunky, but it did foreshadow the evolution of the Asylum – in terms of aesthetics and power dynamics – in the years that followed the FantineDormouse incident and the release of The Book.
EA's next big release after the Asylum book came in 2012. It was a new album, an outline of the soon-to-be Asylum musical, called Fight Like a Girl (FLAG for short). As the name suggests, the main mood was bellicose. Incidentally, in the interim years, EA's communication style generally became noticeably more combative, incendiary, and (within her own spaces) controlling.📝 You remember those quirky word filters on the forum, that would change “fan” to “muffin” and “bra” to “teacup holder”? They kind of took on a Nineteen-Eighty-Four-burlesque flavor when you realized that one filter automatically changed “Fischkopf” to “Liddell” - and that circumventing the rule to address her totally real last name would get you banned, as would any discussion of her family. (“Wikipedia, random internet sites and heresay are not credible sources.” - Mod reminder of forum rules, 2010.)
Also, you try sustaining a serious, grown-up conversation among concerned fans about how Emilie Autumn should “take ratsponsibility for her mistakes out of ratspect for her muffins”. Thus, the official Asylum forum kept a tight grip on overt criticism of EA's claims and actions.

The Emilie Autumn forum is a dystopian hell. Truth be told, when I decided to leave you could not do anything but gush about Emilie. Otherwise all of her extremist arse kissing fans will be down your throat, ripping you apart in seconds, if you so much as questioned her behaviour. So much for freedom of opinion, let alone the idea of creating a harmonious community for ‘outcasts’. Hahaha. (2014 🐀)

The word filter thing really wasn't a big deal – I'm just pointing it out as one goofy expression of EA's need to control the narrative and rhetoric, which became especially noticeable in those post-book, pre-FLAG years. By that point, EA's fuse had been shortened by near on half a decade of non-stop touring / recording / writing / promoting / adjusting to the pressure and demands of an ever-growing fanbase, while also dealing with a horrorshow of personal turmoil and health issues behind the scenes. In other words: she was done taking any shit, in any form, or humoring anyone's ridiculous feedback regarding anything.
To be fair, it was never her forte to begin with. Will it come as a shock if I tell you that EA doesn't have the greatest track record for successful collaborative work? Let's do a quick-cut montage!
EA's very first corporate sponsor was her mother's “Enchant Clothing & Costume” online store 🔍; she went on to claim that her mother was dead. She sessioned for Billy Corgan, that went super well. 🎵 She liked Courtney Love for a minute, but that didn't work out because she felt that Courtney only valued her for her pee. 📝 (It probably didn't help that in early 2006, while EA was recording her post-break-up-tell-all album about Corgan, C-Love was recording her post-rehab-redemption album with Corgan. 🔍 Either way, EA didn't seem to like Courtney anymore after that. Courtney likes her, though! 📝) The one artist EA has ever approached for a duet (and by approached, I mean she recorded a demo and threw the CD on stage when he played Chicago in 2004) was, of all people, Morrissey. That never came to pass, thank mercy 🔍 – this fandom has suffered enough. In 2005, EA recorded some haunting vocals and violins for a potential collab with the frontman of Attrition. When, three years later, they were used on one track 🎵 of Attrition's All Mine Enemies Whisper, she alleged 📝 that the recordings had been obtained from her under the false pretense of a different project, then hideously altered to sound “out of tune”, and used without her permission. She enlisted her fans to boycott the album and the band, and threatened legal action. Meanwhile, on LiveJournal and Attrition's message boards, band associates were appalled: according to them, EA had been aware of the project's nature from the start... and had been completely unreachable, even through her label, during the months of its development. (Besides, Attrition is a semi-obscure English darkwave band from the 80s, whose micro-distributed albums don't even have their own Wikipedia pages... so I wonder what EA was hoping to get out of that theoretical lawsuit. These people own nothing but vintage gain pedals!) The song “Cold Hard Cash” 🎤 by Angelspit (who contributed a remix to one of her EPs in 2008) may or may not be an EA diss track. 🐀 Back when indie jewelry brand RockLove (which now has licensing deals with Disney, Marvel, and DC) was still someone's bedroom project, their first drop was an EA-inspired collection 🔍, which appears in many early Opheliac photoshoots. The partnership was terminated on bad terms, for unclear reasons; the RockLove owner shared in a statement that EA had “drunk the cool-aid” of Trisol Guy's shady business practices, and that the two of them had been spamming her with “crazed angry message[s]” for days.
Why am I talking about this? Because it was precisely one such ill-fated business partnership that triggered the Great Asylum Secession.
One fine day of spring 2010, the owner of vegan make-up brand Aromaleigh popped onto the Asylum forum to announce that they were cutting ties with EA, with damning receipts of copy-pasted emails (lost to time). Basically, the brand had been sponsoring her for half a decade, and while Aromaleigh had been actively promoting her music and tours, EA hadn't exactly been returning the favor. (Indeed, the extent of EA's sponcon seemed to have been a banner link to their website on her front page, and a single “random drunken endorsement” LiveJournal post that kind of reads like satire📝, from 2005.)
EA responded by banning the owner's account, deleting the thread, and posting this flippant statement a few days later:

Dearest Plague Rats, To be honest, I have no idea of what the hell happened with Aromaleigh, and I don't care to find out – the whole drama is a complete mystery to me, as I've been away for months touring and have not been in contact with anyone. All I know is that I've been promoting the company for ages and have not asked them for anything in years. (...) Please focus on more interesting things. I am. (“Save the Drama...” forum post, March 2010)

Posts questioning her good faith in the conflict were deleted from the forum. Shortly thereafter, citing how prolific and labor-intensive the Asylum forum had grown, EA shut down all non-EA related subforums – which, among many other topics, included a pretty active thread about Aromaleigh products.
So one Plague Rat decided to create a separate, members-only forum 📝, where users could recreate some of the now-defunct off-topic threads... and also freely voice their critical opinions of EA's behavior without fear of backlash from mods or rabid stans. Thus, “The Reform” was born. (Reform [n]: amendment of what is defective, vicious, corrupt, or depraved.)
For a few weeks, the two-state solution seemed to work fine. And then word spread among forum mods and other diehard fans that there was this horrid other forum, where obsessive haters gathered to spew disgusting lies and vitriol about EA... and soon enough, it was bedlam in the Asylum.
Any explicit mention of the Reform was forbidden on the Asylum forum. Suspicion of participation in the Reform would get you banned. The party line was that The Reform was the enemy 🐀 – even though a number of people were active on both forums, because they liked freedom of expression almost as much as they liked EA. Double agents would lurk on the forum and report back with snark material; sycophants would infiltrate the Reform to identify traitors – much to the amusement of the “haters”, who mocked them and their ilk for “licking EA's pink sparkly boots”. There was no containing the seething, or the sass, among Asylum ranks.
Pretty soon, the insubordination spread to Tumblr. There was the “Ask the Reform” Q&A blog, where questioning fans could interact with “Rebel Rats”, get more details on past drama, and make up their own minds about the people EA called bullies.
And then, there were the “confession blogs”, which published anonymous submissions about EA, positive, negative or neutral, with little censorship. Finally, you didn't even have to pick a throw-away username on a private forum to voice your hottest / strangest / most controversial EA takes. Fans could vent, rant, lament, wonder, shitpost to their heart's content, anonymously. Obviously, given the context of frustration and censorship in the fandom, a lot of the first waves of confessions were EXTREMELY negative.
EA's acolyte Veronica managed to get the first one shut down. If memory serves, she misunderstood the confession blog format, and may have believed that all the posts on “Emilie Autumn Confessions” came from one or a small group of individuals. She was genuinely devastated, and wrote the blog admin to let them know that they were a terrible person who said terrible things. The admin was mortified, apologized profusely and deleted the blog of their own initiative. (Which goes to show that the concept did not come from cruel and malicious anti-fans, as detractors often claimed.)
But a new blog sprung up almost immediately, with a different mod team, and did not surrender. And much like in EA's own book, once the Plague Rats found out that they possessed the gift of speech... well, they really took to it.
Established in 2011 and passed on through generation after generation of mod teams to the present day, Wayward Victorian Confessions would turn out to be the longest-lived institution in the EA fandom. For over a decade now, through all the bleakest nights and dankest debacles of the Asylum, and despite its initial reputation as a troll den, WVC has acted as a kind of neutral ground and vox populi for the active fanbase and anti-fanbase. (The last nominally-active EA fansite to date, She Fights Like a Girl, is actually an offshoot of WVC: one of the old admins created it as a database to answer “frequently asked questions” about EA.)
Wayward Victorian Confessions has now outlived every other EA platform, official and unofficial. Were it not for the continued existence of the “troll den”, what little fan community survives in 2024 would be non-existent, plain and simple. To quote from late 20th century Canadian philosophy: isn't it ironic?

I feel like [WVC] is the only place I feel any of that old Asylum community kind of feeling I felt before EA got so focused on the book. It sucks that it’s so full of unhappiness, and I wish she hadn’t poisoned the sanctuary she claimed to have built. It’s just kind of fallen apart, like a crumbling building. (🐀 2016)

CONTINUED IN COMMENTS

I was a good thing going with occasional gigs and some songwriting awards, back from 2010-2013. I put out an album at the end of 2010 and I sold enough copies that it was certified cardboard.
Then ... I had a kid, and focused on that and my day job. I started writing again last year, and I am putting out a new album (been saving up).
I have no following anymore - maybe a few folks will come back. When I put out my last record, CDs were pretty much dead but I printed a bunch anyway (still got many hundreds hanging around). This is how long ago it was - Myspace was still (barely) a thing. I'm not a young guy, and I don't have delusions of grandeur. I'd just like to see if anybody likes my music, I guess.
I'm going to re-release my record using CDBaby, and I've put it up on Youtube. But man, I don't know how to do this now. Used to be I could play a few open mikes and I'd pick up a gig from those, and then from word of mouth. But there aren't that many venues for folk/country near me, and open mikes are even fewer.
I'm thinking about just doing a bunch of live songs on Youtube and seeing if that gets me anywhere. Obviously I need to revamp my website, but ... what else do I need to be doing?
(No links or anything unless you want them - I'll put that shit in the promotion thread. calibuildr, you tell me if I need to delete this and put elsewhere).

Hi, english isn't my first language so beware of my grammer mistakes. Also i don'tknow if this is the right sub reddit for this. I am a having a story delema. I had started my fisrt ever campain 3 almost 4 years ago with a my friend and a dm that is one of my players that is the kinda the player i need help with not knowing what to do with him. Because i liked dnd but i think SOME of the lore of the game is stupid i started making a world of my own that at first i wasn't planning to run a game ever, but around this time last year i desided ...eh why not try be a dm and play in the world, might as well do something with it now that is created. My players are my friend who indrudeced me to dnd playing as a half drow wizzard A friend of my friend who plays a female warlock/bard with an obsetion over this fark book full of dark knowlage....they are the only evil character in the game( something the dm of the fist campain i ever played isnt a fan of cus he just doen;t like evil characters for some reason). My cosin that plays dnd for the fist time -him being a paladin of Tyr. The best friend of the Dm of first campaing i ever played (who plays a 15year old BLIND haffling monk) and obviusly the dm of my previous camoain...i am going to call him PrevDM (from previos dm). sooooo prety much lore is that 1000 years ago bullshit cosmic horror shit happened that the BBEG caused and history is repeating itself kinda. Thatis the basic idea of the game. I told my players that hey i am running a game centared around kinda cosmic horrory shit and wanted to talk with each one on how to fit their character with the lore they wrote into my world so they feel more grounded in the world with my only rule being hey...i really really don;t like warforced pls don;t pick a warforged cus they don't really exsist in my world. Everything was fine untill i had to talk to PrevDM who ofcourse was like but i wanna play a warforged.....he wanted to play an emtionaless mashine that use to be human and he has to colect his soul shards and each one returns him a emotion he has lost.... At first i tried to convinve him that that isn;t a good idea, cus eventually he will get bored of playing an emotionaless character and that warforged don't really exsist in my world. He persisted and eventually i gave in. So we made the backstory that he is the only warforced in the world and he had died 1000 years ago around war and his soul was used to craft this mashine to protect something so that the cosimic horror shit doen't enter the world again, but to craft him they had to employ a hag and the hag being a hag decided that shatther the soul and spred the shards all over the fucking world cus ...fuck you to the dwarfs who were making this thing...that didn;t change anything much so they put him to gard the thing but cus he was missing his soul shard eventually he started losing his power (his lvls) forgot his purpose and fucked off into the world findking the child halfling and hanging out with him. ....there is much more then that like the fact he is the father ot the BBEG who died cus the BBEG betrayed him and so on which doesn't much matter to this right now EVEERYING seemed fine....he was happy he god to play his warforged...i figured out a way to conect him to the world's lore which requred few changes...but you know nothing major and it made a player satified untill for some reason PrevDm desided he had a problem with only evil character in the game.....AND NOT CUS OF INGAME CHARACTER DRAMA OR ANYTHING.....it was just personal ...just prev dm doesnt like at all evil characersfor some stupid reason and he had problems with the player cus they left his game : acoriding to prevdm they left cus he didn;t allow them to play evil character.....acording to the player they left cus they had family drama....i don't know who is right in this situation cus on one hand yeah the player seems to be obcessed with playing evil characters and gets seemingly annoyed at not being allowed to be evil which at times is very much annoying and also when he left the game cus of the supposed family drama they were playing other games on their computer (discord thing where it sniches which game the person is playing ) ....BUT on the other hand the PrevDm is weird and has anger issues and the player might really have had family drama just afther it had died over they desided insead of joinning back to just spend their time playing video games..... I honestly don;t know who is right and i don;t care the fact of the matter is that PrevDM started compaining to me constantly for the most random shit ever, first about this player /character then how the game just wasn;t fun for him or something be he only stayed to be a good Boyfriend and to support me. Which pissed me the fuck off alot for obvious reasons... Eventually the PrevDM was like Hey i no longer enjoy the character. me: why him: cus he don't have any emotions me............................................................................ the reasons i am pissed: FIRST OF I fucking told him that he won't enjoy this character....But he insisted and argued with me all fucking DAY how he wants to play this character I GAVE IN ...I changed my lore, i did everything i could to make shit work with this character and he just threw it all away for the most stupid of reasons AND HE DID THIS afther he knew how much i needed his character to do something with the campain.... He knew more stuff then most players cus he is an experianced DM, he knows how to keep a secred and other reasons and i needed help with figuring out some stuff cus i DM for the fist time....He knew i was trying to conect personally each of the characters to the BBEG, He knew that his character and all of the players's characters are needed for some shit to happen so that the BBEG to come back. He knew kinda what i was trying to do and then he desided to just RUIN everything.....i was like OK talk to me WHY you don;t enjoy the character we can WORK to change him alil so you can enjoy him, maybe i can do something to give him soul shards so he can have more emotions or something and he was like NOPE the character doesn;t work well with the party i just want a new character (which is honestly FUCKING BULLSHIT and i feel like the reason WHy he didn;t want to be this character is because he coudn;t be the fucking leader of the group and his argument is that the group doesn;t do anything if he doesn;t lead them and as an emotionaless mashine he can't do that................................................while yes...my players don't really have a deraction on what they want to do and they do need a leader or something like that...but also the evil character was kinda playing the role of that in a strange way ).... at this poin i am just lost for words angry and pissed but i don;t want to argue at that moment SO AGAIN I AGREE and the character he gives me has the dumbest backstory that can be summerised into 5 sentances that doesn;t fit anywhere with anything i was trying to do: His backstory is that he is a changeling from this one city that is reserching magic and shit like that. His mom didn't give him much attention cus she was bussywith magic shit. Someone killed his dad and took his head. He went out to look for it he got it back but also ended up in the cult of Myrcal and some bandits stole his father's schull that he was using as a cleric item that channels cleric magic idk how it is called. And now AGAIN he is looking for his father's schull.....the end
....AND NOW I ASK HOW THE FUCK DO I INTEGRATE THIS BULLSHIT INTO THE WORLD IS MY QUESTION FOR WHICH I NEED PEOPLE"S HELP ....i allowed hiim to play the fucking character....YES he works fine with the party i woudn;t say better then the previus one but doesn't matter at this fucking point....
I am LIVID still even mounths after it has happened cus i just find it kinda Fucked up that you argue with someone to let you play something they told you shouldn't and that isn;t part of the lore, you get allowed to play as that thing and then cus you are looking for an excuse to take the leader role ,cus you are unhappy that the evil character is startig to get that role and the party is doing some shady shit, you UNABLE TO FUCKING EXPEST THAT HEY PEOPLE CAN DO AS THEY FUCKING WISH you throw away the fucking character AND THE LORE i had to fucking change just so you could be in fucking controll......BUT IT DOESN":T MATTER RIGHT THE PLAYER IS ALLWAYS FUCKING RIGHT AND IT MATTERS THAT THEY ENJOY THE FUCKING GAME...IT DOESN:T FUCKING MATTER WHEN THE DM PUTS WORK INTO SOMETHING AND YOU RUIN IT .......... BUT IT DOESN"T MATTER....i can;t fugure out ANYTHIG i can do with this new character of his.....cus how ever i spin it he just isn;t conected to anything in the world besides this one fucking shull and that one city that isn;t important for the curent chapter at all.
his previus character is a npc in the backgrou cus i stll need him for the fucking bullshit to happen with the BBEG. and what was going to happen was prety much: they resaved a visiion in the beggining of the campain of the place the previus character of the prevdm was garding, i was setting it up as if they have to do something there to stop it not knowing that THEM GOING THERE is what triggers the thing that releases the BBEG into the wolrd again. And every player had something that was important to them and their backtory that was needed to release the BBEG into the world. 1 the soul of the father ( the full soul cristal of the warforged), 2 the blood of the heir (the wizzrad half drow who is actually the grandson of the BBEG and the grand grand son of the warforged) 3 the book that bellonged to the BBEG that is curently being held by the evil character, 4 the mask of lies that is being carried by the blind halfling child and it helps him "see", and 5 the simbol of devotion that my cousin is yet to find.
and how do i conect him to this stupid thing...do i even need to ? ....and no the shull of the father won;t work cus the changelings who were a group of idiots who wanted to reserch magic at all costs to gain more power but in their quest to do so they lost their identaty and they poped up into the world 200-300 years before the curent day in the world...so there is no way they can be connected to the thing that happened 1000 years ago...and i can;t chage it cus the reason why they fucked up themselfs to become changelings is cus they were inspired by what happened 1000 years ago.
halarriusly cus the other day i got angry and expianed to him why the fuck i am still mad at him he said oh i can play the character again if you want.....but at this point if i do make him play the character i would be feeling bad cus i would be forcing him to play the character and second the other players might think that i am favoriting him over them allowing him to change his characters when ever he fucking wants....so i am stuck having to plan for his curent character........ ^{AND BECAUSE I AM LIVID about the whole situation no matther how much i think about it i can't figure out anything to do with his character....SO PLS give me ideas or anything i can do with his character cus i am too blinded by rage to think.}

First off, what's the best way to upload it? New to this. I might not upload the whole song, but parts of it. I doubt anyone will ever find it, but to be safe. It's probably hopeless though. MySpace blew up when I was around 12 (2004/05). I just ran across it somehow based on the music I liked. Just a small band most likely. My parents wouldn't buy anything online, so a friend ripped it for me. I originally had the artist and name, but after numerous computer's breaking, I lost it. Then I rediscovered it on a brunt CD. I couldn't believe it, I thought I lost it forever. However now it is just "track 4".
I know that's a lot of useless info in there, but I just wanted to share. Anyway. It definitely has English in it, but the guy's accent is so heavy it's hard to understand most of it. It could have parts in another language. I speak German (used to) and it sounds like maybe a Scandinavian accent. When I know how to upload the song I can post what words I'm pretty sure about. I think I remember part of the title having to do with the words "cold" or "blue" maybe "ice". I can give more info when I have it uploaded.
I've tried every music I know about. I've tried searching the lyrics I can hear. Nothing and probably will always be nothing. But I've loved this song for two decades and if I could, I would love to finally be able to pay the artist.
Thanks to anyone for advice and help.

As a geriatric swiftie, i have a lot of nostalgic expectations for this one. i found our girl on myspace and ive been a tortured poet ever since. im so grateful to have grown up with soundtrack to almost every paramount moment or feeling i life (so far.) Tonight I went back and listened to Debut and i am absolutely SALIVATING at the thought of how TV will sound. She was a kid!!! Her matured, developed, trained voice has so much depth and dimension. I can’t wait to hear her sing the songs of our youth again 18 years later. I like to think Debut is as nostalgic for her as it is for us. listening to Debut from front to back for the first time in yeurs was a time capsule. I surprised myself still knowing the words to songs i forgot existed . And as it turns out they STILL HIT. it’s a privilege to watch an artist go through an evolution like this and to grow up with them . I’m so thankful and stoked to have been a witness/participant since the beginning. 🥲 I can’t wait to experience it again with all of you. Also can’t wait to get a non-limewire version of the tracks that better come out of the vault. the FBI pirating warning always ruined the vibe. but i didn’t give my family computer viruses for nothing!!! Justice for I’d Lie and I heart Question Mark!!!!
Edit: i’m so glad to finally find my fellow debut stans! To clarify, personally my definition of geriatric swifties had nothing to do with age. in my mind it’s more of a timeline than an age bracket lol. so it’s more about the era one becomes a swiftie in. lol i’m a ‘91 baby so im not technically geriatric. but i sure do feel like ive been at this for 65 years! so in short, it doesn’t matter how old you are. no age shaming, we’re all swifites here 🫶

DISCLAIMER: this post will be heavy. We are dealing with themes of racism, neo-nazi imagery, sexism, homophobia, transphobia and things of that sort. It would be not explained in details, but i will link articles talking about it in lenght. Please be careful while browsing!
Hello again people of Hobbydrama. This time my introduction will be brief since the post will probably be very long, just wanted to say: thank you for sticking with me. Remember to read the disclaimer and also be aware that this post might contain spoilers, particularly for Life Is Strange 1 and 3!
What the hell is Life Is Strange?
“Ready for the mosh pit, shaka brah”
Life Is Strange is a series of adventure games published by Square Enix’s External Studios. Created by Dontnod Entertainment, the series debuted with its first installment which was released in five episodes throughout 2015 on PS3, PS4, XBOX 360, PC, iOS and Android. It also recived a remastered version for the Nintendo Switch in 2021. Which was…not very good tbh, but we don’t talk about that. The story of the first game revolves around Max Caulfield, a girl who discovers that she has the ability to rewind time at any moment, causing each of her choices to make events unfold differently. After predicting the arrival of a giant storm, Max will have to use her powers to try to save her city, Arcadia Bay. She starts this by saving her former best friend (and future love interest) Chloe Price by dying in a bathroom stall. Since that, the plot will also focus on the search of Rachel Amber, a girl who misteriously disappeared without leaving trace. The player’s actions will affect the game’s story, which can be rewritten once they are able to rewind time. The introduction of the possibility of rewinding time allows to go back and do any action differently from the one first done in certain narrative checkpoints. This structure also offers a polarity system: choices made modify and influence the story through short- or long-term consequences. I mean, technically is not really like that because the game has only two possible endings and the choices you make can’t change it, but they affect the way other characters see you and interact with you. Dialogue scenes can also be rewound by choosing a different response option. Once an event is restored the previously provided data can also be used in the future: for example objects found in the future will be preserved after rewinding time. This, as you can imagine, offers a lot of possibilities for puzzle mechanics and things of that sort.
The game was a massive success, winning a shiton of awards in the following years and gaining an immense fanbase. This was due to its emotionally raw plot dealing with themes such as depression and suicide, bullying, fear of abandonment, LGBTQ+ representation, growing up and of course time shenaningans that subjects the main character to an unbelivable amount of trauma! Yay! Jokes aside, the game was so succesfull that it spawned an entire franchise: a prequel with Chloe Price as a protagonist came out in 2017 and a comic spin-off) was published in 2018.
Also: Life Is Strange 2 and Life Is Strange 3 were made, but they are different stories with totally different characters not related with Max and Chloe in any means, besides some minor easter eggs. For the context of this post, is important to know that when Lis became a franchise, they started to explore different stories with different characters: the only one thing in common is that in this world some people have some kinds of superpowers for…reasons that are never really fully explained. Max had time-rewind, it’s heavily implied in the prequel that Rachel Amber had some kind of fire powers or, in alternative, powers very similar to Max’s based on what some characters says about her, Sean’s brother has telekinesis and Alex has an “emotional aura” reading ability
There are also rumors going on about an Amazon Prime series adapting the story of the first game, but nothing has came out of it at the time of writing this.
With that being said, let’s move on.
The weird dynamics between Dontnod and Square Enix
Now, before we focus on the gist of the drama, it’s important to clarify one thing: Dontnod no longer holds any ownership of the Life Is Strange franchise and doesn’t work on the series anymore, only SquareEnix and Deck Nine are in charge now. To explain why this happened we need to go on a tangent here.
Development of the first Life Is Strange began in April 2013: the idea of developing it in episodes was due to creative, marketing and, above all, financial reasons. Mind you, at the time Dontnod was a little french indie game developing company. Their debut title was Remember Me), which at first they wanted it to be a PlayStation 3-exclusive role-playing game, but was dropped by publisher Sony Interactive Entertainment in 2011 on account of cuts in funding. It was presented at Gamescom the same year to attract another publishing deal. The following year, Capcom Europe acquired the rights and reimagined it as an action-adventure game.
In 2013, Dontnod was the most subsidised studio with 600 000€ aid by the French agency Centre national du cinéma et de l’image animée (CNC), including aid for a new intellectual property project codenamed “What if?” (later retitled to Life is Strange to avoid confusion with the film of the same name.) for something like 200 000 euros. On 28 January 2014, Dontnod filed for rjudicial reorganisation, a form of receivership in France. The proceeding filing was discovered by Factornews and some media outlets like Polygon reported it as Dontnod filing for bankruptcy as a result of the poor sales of Remember Me. However, Dontnod responded to these reports explaining that they were in the process of “judicial reorganisation” to resize the company and denying bankruptcy..
In June 2014, Dontnod announced that they were working with Square Enix Europe on a new game, which was announced as Life Is Strange that year and released in 2015 over the course of five instalments, like i said earlier. The critical and commercial success of Life Is Strange caused Dontnod to be solicited by publishers, whereas they previously had to pursue publishers themselves. Is also important to note that Life Is Strange received attention for the choice to include a female protagonist in the game. Before signing the collaboration with Square Enix, Dontnod had in fact encountered distrust from the curators of the project, who had attempted to insert a male protagonist in Max’s place. Baiscally, Square Enix was the only company that was willing to publish them without questioning the gender of the main character. Remember this, because it will be important later.
Following the release and success of the first Life is Strange, publisher Square Enix chose American developer Deck Nine to develop a prequel game focusing on the life of Chloe Price, while the Dontnod team began developing a direct sequel. Development on the prequel began in 2016 with assistance from Square Enix’ London Studios. Ashly Burch, who voiced Chloe in Life Is Strange, was replaced by Rhianna DeVries due to the SAG-AFTRA strike. However, Burch and Hannah Telle (Max’s VA) both reprised their roles for the bonus episode “Farewell.” The script for the game was over 1,500 pages, written by lead writer Zak Garriss and a writers’ room. Remember this name because it will come up again.
Prior to its official announcement, images had leaked online indicating that a prequel to Life Is Strange was in development. Finally, Square Enix revealed Life Is Strange: Before the Storm on 11 June during Microsoft’s E3 2017 presentation. At that time, Dontnod had declared that prospective follow-ups to Life Is Strange would feature new characters and locations to the original, with the developers feeling that Max and Chloe’s story had run its course over the first two games. Game co-director Raoul Barbet explained that

“It’s a question we asked ourselves at the beginning. Is it Max and Chloe, Arcadia Bay? No, it’s about everyday characters, relatable characters with stories you can involve yourself in, because it reflects your own experiences. With some supernatural stuff on the top.”

Michel Koch added that

“everyone loved Max, Chloe, Rachel. But their story…it’s done. We have nothing more to tell. We don’t want to. Other people will do it, and it’s okay. But for us, we have nothing more to do. Take them and do whatever you want.”

You can read the full interview here
However this would turn out to not be entirely true follwing recent events, but let’s leave this information for later.
Development on Life Is Strange 2 began in early 2016 as the first game shipped its physical edition. Michel Koch and Raoul Barbet returned to direct the sequel, with Christian Divine and Jean-Luc Cano reprising their roles as co-writers.. The game, despite its very heavy advertising campaign, recived a mixed reception from the audience if not downright negative. The main criticism, besides problems with the writing, the characters and the story, was that people…simply didn’t really care about a new cast, to be honest. Particularly when they are not written as good as the character from the first game. They would have much preferred a sequel with Max and Chloe. Keep this also in mind, because it will be important in a bit.
At the same time, Deck Nine began working on True Colors after completing Before the Storm in 2017. You can probably notice that for this new chapter they decided to return to an episodic format (Life Is Strange Before The Storm was released all in once, for context I was wrong, it was relased episodically, the difference is that there was a "complete season" version earlier than the first game! It was also the first Lis game to contain a DLC), just like the first game and Lis 2, both made by Dontnod.
Now, it’s also important to specify that Before The Storm was also recived lukewarmly, mainly because the plot felt rushed and a lot of very important lore bits of the first game weren’t even addressed, like how the fuck Rachel ended up in the dark room. You know…it was just the main reasons people were exited to play the prequel in the first place.
For context, in Lis 1 there are many moments where it is hinted that Rachel tried to deceive and manipulate Chloe, all so she could escape Arcadia Bay without her. In short: Rachel is not depicted as a good person in this game. There is even an entire section where Max finds out that Rachel was cheating on Chloe with her drug dealer. People were intrigued by this and wanted to know what Rachel’s deal was: was she a good person? Was she evil? How did she die? Did she also had powers? Did she caused the tornado? Is she the tornado? Did she passed down her powers to Max?
When the prequel was announced everyone went ballistic. Are we finally going to play as her? Well, no. Instead we got a story centered around Chloe (which we already knew well thanks to the first game), no powers, weird gameplay based on literally insulting npcs and very little of Rachel. Additionally she was depicted as a strangely different character, way more nicer than the first game made by the original developers probably intended. Her entire affair with the drug dealer was…simply not mentioned at all despite being a crucial point to the lore? Plus we got this post credits scene that literally explained nothing and in fact raised even more questions that would never be answered. Thanks!
Back to the point: when Life Is Strange 3 came out it was recived equally lukewarmly in some points. (clarification needed: it was COMMERCIALLY recived better than Lis 1 and 2, it won a shiton of awards too. I'm talking mainly about a section of the fanbase. Obviously there were also people who liked it, however the point is another here.) Many people pointed out that it’s so similar to the first game in terms or plot, general vibe and characters that it feels almost like a blatant copy. The protagonist is a socially awkard, introverted nerdy bisexual girl with a loudmouth, reckless, secretly nerdy lesbian punk-girl love interest and the plot concerns a disapperance of a person, that Alex and Steph need to investigate onto. Sounds familiar yet?
Also, people argued that Alex and Max share a very similar name, they make the literal same pose on the cover of their respective games and Steph was redesigned to look very similar to Chloe, hat and all..
For some people, it was pretty evident that after the lukewarm reception of BtS and Lis 2 and the complaints about it being too different from the established formula, Square Enix wanted to win back the love of former fans who liked the ideas of the original game. The problem is that they didn’t quite understood why the Dontond game had that impact on people, and borrowed from it only the most superficial aspects. The point is that people liked the first game because the characters were alive, with motivations, they were original and capable of making you really empathize with them. The plot was engaging and the mechanics were something new never seen in the video game industry (at that time). People liked the way the story was written and the way the game played, not necessarily the presence of Max and Chloe. People just wanted new protagonists that were written at least as good as them, basically.
So basically the way of thinking in some parts of the fandom was on the line of: rather than trying to poorly imitate Max and Chloe in a new game with an “original story” (do not steal) in a desperate attempt to regain the fans’ admiration, making a direct sequel to the first game with those characters would have been a better choice.
The comic spin-off with Max and Chloe wasn’t doing that good either. Well, it was a commercial success but the fanbase didn’t really liked it that much.. For context: it was not published by Dontnod or Square Enix, the people behind it were from Titan Comics. The series is set one year after the events of the original Life is Strange, and is a continuation to one of two of the games possible endings, known as the “Sacrifice Arcadia Bay” ending. It is written by Emma Vieceli, with interior art by Claudia Leonardi and coloring by Andrea Izzo. In fact the team behind it is entirely italian, which i find very cool as an italian myself. However, the problems were the same as said before: weird plot, character assasinations, introducing new powers for Max that make absolutely no sense, (now she is able to have “visions” of a different timeline and mess with the literal course of time without any real explanation or sensible motivation for WHY she is capable to do this all of a sudden) and in general they read a lot like a bad fanfiction.
Also i think it’s important to mention that the comics gave us a timeline in which Rachel is alive and she is in a romantic relationship with Chloe, while Max is their third wheel friend. I find this extremely hilarious so take this pic. It fucking kills me everytime.
So, to sum up all this mess before going on: Dontnod doesn’t own the intellectual property of Life Is Strange anymore. This happened after Lis 2, for reasons not yet disclosed. Square Enix and Deck Nine are now the heads of the entire franchise and they are not the best at managing it. In a desperate attempt to reach Dontnod success following the bad reception of BtS and Lis 2, they basically copied and pasted the entire plot of the first game (or at least borrowed a lot of context from it) for Lis 3, causing a sensible distaste in some parts of the fanbase.
The hidden hate imagery and the abuse scandal
Ok. Now we are quitting being funny and silly. This is the section were it starts to get REALLY dark REALLY suddenly. So please, keep in mind that i’m hovering a gigantic trigger warning over your head. All the links in this section can be extremely triggering for some people. Read the disclaimer, please. Are we good? Good. Now we can talk about the more recent news that literally throwed the fandom in a maniacal frenzy.
An article (GIGANTIC TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS ONE) was published by IGN the 5th April 2024, in which it’s described a very strange and disturbing episode that happened in the Deck Nine offices.
IMPORTANT INFO SINCE SOME PEOPLE WERE CONFUSED: I report the article as faithfully as possible given that in its entirety it could be considered uncomfortable by some people. Please be aware that I have copy pasted parts. This is not to plagiarize, I'm not saying that the contents of this article or the points of this speech are my own words. Keep in mind that it is only to give everyone a fair perspective, especially for people who may not like the mentions of certain things in the original article. However excuse me, i should have clarified this earlier. Thanks for everyone that spoke on this.
To put it simply since the article is very long, during the development of the fourth Life Is Strange game near the end of 2022, a few developers stumbled upon hate symbols hidden in the textures. They initially noticed a reference to the number 88, but they simply tought it was an unfortunate coincidence. It was just a number, right? Maybe their boss didn’t knew the implications of it. But then they quickly started to find more problematic and inequivocable signs, such as references to a racist meme, the number 18, and the Hagal rune.. It was definetly not a mistake: someone was putting those simbols there on purpose.
The weirdest thing is that weeks went by, then months, and management remained strangely silent about this. The incriminated assets remained in the game and people started to get really nervous for obvious reasons. At the end, they removed the symbols but the culprit was never discovered. Again, very strange. The company was behaving almost as if they were trying to defend however was behind this attack. This issue however, literally opened the fucking Pandora’s box.
According to current and former employees across several departments, most of whom have chosen to remain anonymus, Deck Nine’s management has caused a very toxic work culture. They claim the C-suite has protected multiple abusive leaders, encouraged crunch, and allowed bullying of individuals advocating internally for more authentic representation in Life Is Strange. Yeah, you heard that right.
Square Enix in particular was another whole can of worms: the employees said that the company was way too “defensive” of the script of True Colors. In the sense that they seemed oddly reluctant or outright hostile to the diverse themes and ideas that Life Is Strange has always explored. For instance, multiple people recalled an incident during True Colors development where Square Enix told multiple developers they didn’t want Life Is Strange to be thought of as the “gay game.” Which…you know, it’s very weird coming from a franchise that, when under Dontnod management, was always pretty open about its bisexual protagonists.
Well, theoretically Max and Sean are driven entirely by the choice of the player, so they are “playersexual”. You can choose what gender to romance in both games, in theory. However, Max is way more implied to be canonically bi or at least to have a crush on Chloe indipendetly by your choice in the original game, while Sean is more “open” in that sense. However, the main point is not really that. Is that Lis as a franchise always explored queer themes, so this kind of reaction by Square Enix is pretty odd. They knew what they were working with, right? Mallory Littleton, a narrative designer who worked on Life Is Strange under Deck Nine, even said that

”There’s a lot of press out there praising True Colors for having the first bisexual lead in a Life Is Strange game, even if in our press guides from Square Enix, all the way up until review copies were out, we were not to say anything about Alex’s sexuality, period, at all. And then they did the advance copies, and all of these reviews came out saying how amazing it was to finally see an explicitly bi protagonist, and after that, Square was like, just kidding, Alex is absolutely, canonically, 100% bisexual.”

Additionally, multiple sources gave the impression that Deck Nine’s relationship with Square Enix for Life Is Strange was one of money convenience rather than a deep appreciation for the series. Square Enix liked that Deck Nine was willing to do the game for a lower budget than other studios, while Deck Nine needed a good IP, so the deal was born solely for economical convenience However, many developers said that the people in charge of Deck Nine seemed seriously unprepared for dealing with a game with “serious” themes, especially when it came to thoughtful portrayals of diverse individuals. And this is when the real shit started. I won’t go into much detail (read the article if you are curious) but people reported a SHITON of accounts of sexual harassment, bullying and transphobia.
Remember Zack Garris? Well, sources say that he began forming close relationships with a number of younger women, often in situations where he had some mentorship or power over them. He was basically love bombing them, staying late at the studio talking to them, inviting them to lunch, dinner, movies or even to his house. He would also instigate personal conversations and text some of this women after work hours about personal topics. If you want more info about his (frankly disgusting) shenaningans, once again read the article.
It doesn’t stop here however.
In short: nobody, male or female, was able to tell him “no” when he crossed personal boundaries due to his status. This feeling only increased over time, with several people reporting incidents of him lashing out against those who disagreed with his decisions. This was especially true with people fighting for more sensitive portrayals of diverse characters. A woman named Tate Littleton, for instance, recalled being formally reprimanded for criticizing Garriss’ reluctance to allow women in his scripts to express anger. Basically he didn’t think representation mattered because “he didn’t necessarily identify with every white man protagonist, and so other people shouldn’t identify with characters because they look the same.”
The main episode that made this entire thing knew in the first place was the removal of a transgender character from True Colors that took place very late in development. Which, again, sounds really unusual considering the type of media Lis has always been. Additionally, two anonymous employees declared that in 2020 Garriss called BLM a hate group when the team at Deck Nine wanted to post something for the protests that were happening in America. In another example he fought weirdly hard for a twist on True Colors’ final choice that a number of writers pointed out included a problematic portrayal of migrant workers (it eventually was removed, so at least we have that i guess). He would also go daily on rants about how everyone was being “too political”. There was also another instance of a scene Garriss wrote for True Colors that the writers felt they had to fight him excessively to change. For those who don’t know, in the final script of True Colors the main character Alex is taken into the woods by Jed, who she view as a friend at this point of the story. He betrays her, shooting her and missing, causing her to fall into an abandoned mine shaft. However, in Garriss’ original version, Jed spikes her drink at a bar and takes her out to the woods for an attempted murder. When they saw this version of the scene, a number of people pushed back, arguing that the scene would unintentionally cause associations with date rape. Multiple individuals had to fight extensively with Garriss about this scene before it was eventually changed.
Additionally, Garris distanced himself from his team of writers. He and another lead would make most of the story decisions, rewriting work from other writers without allowing them the opportunity to give feedback, even on stories centering marginalized characters. Toward the end of True Colors development, Deck Nine implemented a new, anonymous performance evaluation tool: this is what caused all of this to surface recently, mind you, we would have never known if it wasn’t for this. Some time time later, Garriss quit the team voluntarily. But this wasn’t the end: True Colors launched to critical acclaim, and following the wave of its commercial success, Deck Nine parared immediatly the development of another Lis game. But it was struggling with one plot point apperently, and the leadership suggested to bring Garriss back to fix it. As you can probably imagined, the narrative team went insane. Everyone begged them not to bring him back in a series of meetings, messages, emails, everything. HR was even involved at some point and they even suggested that Deck Nine would be legally liable for Garriss’ behavior if they invited him back after the shiton of reports. When the company CEO and CFO persisted in arguing that they needed Garriss, multiple writers handed in resignations. Finally, management relented and the man did not return.
You probably get the vibe at this point. It was a mess. However, Garris later tried to defend himself against the accusations, but he was ultimately never called back again. At least not officially. Because he then landed at Telltale Games, which was working on a project in close partnership with Deck Nine at the time. Only a few months after his departure, several of those who had protested his return were told that a few narrative team members had been holding story breaking sessions at Garriss’ home. So…ok i guess?
However, this is not even the main tea. Remember when i said that Dontnod abandoned the franchise after the second chapter and it was never clarified why? Well, it’s theorized that the main reason why they went away it’s because Square Enix wasn’t willing to make them publish what they wanted in Life Is Strange. Which is incredibly sad and ironic considering the development issues the first game had. The main proof people point over this is another game made by Dontnod in 2020 called “Tell Me Why”, which stars a trans male protagonists and is objectively very similar to a Lis game without being really a Lis game. The main character has supernatural powers, the gameplay is identical, the story has a very similar vibe, you get the gist. The analogies were…a little bit too close for some people. Now, it’s important to remember that this are only speculations and nothing is being officially confirmed, but judging by the time coincidence and what surfaced recently, some people started to think that Dontnod published this game indipendently because Deck Nine and Square Enix didn’t want the main character to be trans. Which honestly kinda makes sense. However, another thing happened that fueled the speculations even more: Dontnod has recently annuced their new game, “Lost Records”, which they directly called a “spiritual successor to Life Is Strange”. They even stated that in this game they will insert ideas that they would have liked to explore with Max and Chloe in Lis sequels, which they can no longer produce since the franchise and those characters are no longer in their hands. Quoting from this article:

”When we started to work on the very first Life Is Strange a long time ago, we had no publishers. We didn’t know exactly where we would sell the game or…if we would even sell it. […] At this time, we were in need of publishing, and Square was interested in buying the games; they bought the rights for it, and they bought the franchise. […] But since they bought the franchise, our hands were tied. We couldn’t really work as we wanted on what paths the character should go, what kind of game we could make, and how we would like to make the franchise evolve.”

Which in retrospect many tought all of this sounded really weird. Didn’t they said years ago that their vision of the series was always to make stories with different characters and that Chloe and Max’s story was “over”? Many people tought this was a weird claim and so speculations started.
Many belive that the initial plan was to have at least a proper sequel to Lis 1 under their management, but the idea went to shit when Deck Nine and Square Enix acquired the IP for BtS, gaining effective ownership to the franchise and to Max and Chloe. Dontnod could not effectively use those character anymore and so they were obligated to create something new.
This theory gains credibility when we take into consideration the fact that recently a leak about a supposed sequel to the first game with Max and Chloe surfaced. Is important to note that in 2021 there was also another leak in which a person predicted very specific details about True Colors when it was still codenamed “Siren”, basically describing correctly the plot, the final title, the name of the protagonist and her powers. They even predicted the remastered of the first game! Additionally, at the end of the post they mention that the team was looking to make a Lis 1 follow up game with Max and Chloe, so the more recent leak was lining up almost scarily with the former. Another thing that adds fuel to the fire is the fact that the leaker mentioned to have saw an initial concept of this idea in 2022 during a survey in which they showed some future Lis content and apparently there was also an NDA involved. However, since this idea (mainly the bit when they describe Max being able to jump into different timelines) is very similar to what ended up happenning in the comics, some people tought it was simply a scrapped idea that they later reworked into the spin-off. Others instead think that the comics served to introduce us to this very concept and that they are still working on this supposed game. At this point in time we don’t know what the future olds, but it’s confirmed thanks to the article concerning the hate symbols scandal, that a fourth Lis game is currently being worked on. However, we don’t know if it’s that sequel the leaker mentioned or an entire different thing.
The aftermath
So…yeah. As you can probably guess, this situation is a total mess. The fandom is still trying to process what happened, and many are unsure whether to continue supporting the series or not, given everything that happened behind the scenes. It created a bit of a Blizzard situation, if you know what I’m talking about.
Personally, I’m a huge fan of the first Life Is Strange and it played a huge part in my growth. The other games didn’t fascinate me as much as the first tbh, but I loved Arcadia Bay and its world, Max and Chloe, the mystery, the characters, the story, the emotions. I’m not exaggerating when I say that it was the game that changed my life and helped me come to terms with my sexuality. Seeing two girls get together romantically like this in a video game really triggered something in me. It helped me understand that my feelings weren’t wrong. That I wasn’t alone. That i wasn’t broken. I know that probably sounds very cheesy and cringe, but it’s the way it is and I can’t help it. You can imagine what my reaction was when I witnessed this mess unfold irl. In a way I felt hurt. It’s strange to think that a saga that has done so much for me is being run by people who would like to see me dead. Or at the very least, people who were not that open as they liked to present themselves. And I don’t have an answer to the question “should we still support this video game?” Honestly I do not know. On one hand I feel sorry for all the creatives who desperately tried to make Life Is Strange something special despite everything, but at the same time… my god. What the fuck.
I can’t help but wonder how Life Is Strange could have been if it remained under Dontnod’s creative control: what kind of stories they would tell, what future they would invent for Max and Chloe, what adventures they would get into. But maybe it’s better this way. Those girls have grown up, they went trought a lot, and maybe we just need to learn to let them go. After all, isn’t it the entire point of the game? Learning to grow? As for me, I will continue to replay Life Is Strange 1 periodically, I will continue to be part of the frankly amazing community that is the Lis fandom, I will continue to read fanfictions and support fan creations, being it fangames or fanarts. Because they can never take it away from me. They can’t take it away from us. Never.
Thank you for reading this far, i hope it was interesting and that you learned something new.
That being said…quit with the sad bullshit! I want to use this section to shoutout a fellow creator that is currently working on a fan-made sequel of the first game: Life Is Strange After the Storm. If you like this kind of stuffs, make sure to follow him on twitter and to support the project!
Ok now i’m really over. See ya!
EDIT: added clarifictions in the True Colors section. Changed a link in there too (i realized i put the wrong thing). Corrected some BtS informations. Added a clarification in the article section. Edited some formatting and corrected grammatical errors. Added a link in the Hagal rune section. Uncensored the word "nazi", since a person wrote me in private to make me know that my post would not be put down now that it's approved. Rephrased some words to not make them sounds hostile, since a lot of people were getting on my troath for this. I would also like to clarify while i'm here that i don't hate Lis 3 in its entirety nor i'm alluding that Lis 1 has not recived any valid criticism, since people are putting words in my mouth that i did, in fact, not say.
ALSO IMPORTANT CAVIAT: you are not in the wrong if you liked True Colors! It's ok! The game has it's moments and can absolutely be good. In fact, i personally liked some of its plot points and ideas. A good amount of people recived it very well. In this post i'm talking about general negative fan reception to explain why many people are growing disillusioned with the series and to make clear why people criticize it more than the first game, i'm not saying your tastes are bad/you are in the wrong. It's ok to like different things.

Basically, I've been struggling to find a piece of lost media from the Myspace data loss of 2015 for about 6 months now, and I think I am simply too inexperienced at scrounging the far corners of the internet to find it. As such, I'd like to hire someone to do it for me, but I have no idea how to go about that. Is that even possible?
The artist that I am looking for all of their stuff has a bunch of varying degrees of "hidden" media, though only one other peice was ever really lost from what I understand, I don't expect this to be true but because I need to meet the word count and on the tiny off chance one of you has it, it was from a Myspace page under the name wil colligan and the artist has gone by several names, currently will wood/will wood and the tapeworms, but also wet jockeyz, jimmy mushrooms, doctor sunshine, doctor reverend sunshine, and marvin E(dward) matchstyx.
Here is the Myspace page, https://myspace.com/marvinedvardmatchstyx/music/songs
The songs that have not been recovered by other archivists are Patience [Dr.scoob] Around the bend [Dr. Scoob] And marshmallow
Everything else there has either been recovered or has other reccordings that are accessible
I however, haven't been able to find it, a group of archivists hasn't been able to find it, and so I'd like to hire someone. How can I go about that?

Had a bit of a lazy Sunday and felt like making a list of various rare or lesser-known songs related to the genre I've listened to over the years. Hope everyone enjoys it and maybe finds something new!
Artist - Song
*Related information
_
Anthony Green & Mindy White - Baby, It's Cold Outside
*If you look for it, Anthony Green has a few other Christmas-related songs he's done over the years including a cover of "Silver Bells".
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=st3OshYNVBA
_
Agraceful - The Songs of Saints
*I believe this was an earlier demo from Agraceful before their one and only album was released. For anyone who doesn't know them, they were a band fronted by Chris Roetter (older vocalist of Emarosa and current vocalist of Like Moths to Flames).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CHTTrQcxfk
_
Attack Attack! Featuring Craig Mabbit - All That I'm About
*This is an electronic track that I think was mostly done involving Caleb Schomo and Craig Mabbit/Max Green https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jpDGI_e0cY
_
Before Today - Pierce the Veil
*One of the previous iterations of Pierce the Veil (formerly known as Early Times)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOAiCyCV3Q8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOAiCyCV3Q8
_
Chiodos - Crickets
*One of the demos around the era of "Devil". There's also another demo from this time period that featured the bridge of what eventually became "We're Talking About Practice"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-WBwj_gXF4
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Chiodos (Featuring Nic Newsham) - Zombies (Version 1/2)
*I believe this was Nic's audition for Chiodos when they were looking for a new vocalist after Craig was kicked out. I actually didn't know there was a pretty different second version until making this list that's closers lyrically to the final version.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caCkRz8uGQ4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71vQhY5NCHk
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Emarosa - Mamba / SuperCow
*These are two of the supposedly 4 demos that Tilian did with Emarosa
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vTb9tnsUG4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hp96try5zEc
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Fives - Cowboys & Anthrax
*This was a heavier side-project featuring members of Artifex Pereo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aM_khWWft6E
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Matt Good (/From First to Last) - House Party In A Hostage Crisis / Deltitnu
*These are a few songs Matt Good did on his own during COVID.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPgA9RoD78M
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRy7BoWp9V8
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Good Health (Featuring Sarah Glass) - My Ways (+)
*This was a short-lived project from Zac Garren after leaving Dance Gavin Dance before Strawberry Girls was eventually formed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDDSPA_36q8
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Kurt Travis & Zachary Garren - Africa
*One of many songs Kurt and Zach did together over the years
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKFqpoB2T-g
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Native Suns - Insofar Gone
*This was a post-Of Machines project. Went through a few lineup changes and vocalists, but this was one of my favorite songs they put out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eO0QgoVNQxk
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Night Verses - Misc Tilian Demos
*These demos were around the time that Tilian left Tides of Man and I believe was creating demos with Saoson as well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kR4Vmezt6a8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQWPCwV8RQ8
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Pvris (Featuring Kyle Anthony) - Gemini
*This is an older demo from Pvris when they were going for more of Post-Hardcore style
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZ5z8gC1edk
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Pierce the Veil (Featuring Jonny Craig) - She Makes Dirty Words Sound Pretty
*I'm pretty sure this song was originally released on Myspace around the time of PtV's first album
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhJoM1PKGhw
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SkinnyKids (Featuring Kurt Travis/Zachary Garren)
*Fun two song ep Kurt and Zach were involved with
https://skinnykids.bandcamp.com/album/dance-skinny-kids-dance
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Sonny Moore - Turmoil
*One of many solo songs Sonny Moore put out after leaving From First to Last and before performing under Skrillex
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCzIOFWoPLM
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Trade Secrets - Counterfeit Reality
*Newer'ish project featuring members of Artifex Pereo, Tides Of Man, Icarus The Owl
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZ5H7h9cqog
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Yesterdays Rising - Our Lucid Dream
*Band that Brandon Bolmer (Chiodos vocalist on Illuminaudio) was in before Chiodos
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaVd2DvGTWM
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First Place Science Project - Really Experiment
*Cool experimental project involving Cory Lockwood (/A Lot Like Birds)
https://firstplacescienceproject.bandcamp.com/album/really-experiment
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Closure in Moscow - Wonkacyde
*I'm pretty sure this was made super quick by the band as a way of mocking brokenCYDE haha
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8HZlEATXwE
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Eidola - The Great Glass Elephant (Demos)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQ6lNOxSxy4
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Tides of Man - Mountain House (Donovan Melero Audition)
*Audition demo that Donovan did for Tides of Man after Tilian left and before they decided to go instrumental
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6mIk2dt3IM
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Isles & Glaciers (Jonny Craig, Craig Owens, Vic Fuentes) - Demos
*I still remember listening to these demos on repeat for ages before the ep with the final versions were eventually released haha
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZE1S7LUT6NQ&list=OLAK5uy_ncuBZel71U6JX1bXL_OG9DZkuzEVhxkQY
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Dance Gavin Dance (Featuring Kellin Quinn) - Uneasy Hearts Weigh the Most (/Acoustic)
*Audition Kellin did after Jonny Craig was kicked out the first time and before the band decided on Kurt Travis
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2VPgj3BXmE

Hi everybody, i have a story about my late dad who got involved in a lengthy, unbelievable & ridiculous love story 🤯
Objective 1: Looking for a platform where i can share this as a drama series, telefilm or Netflix documentary 😆
Objective 2 : Make profit $$ out of objective 1 because we think we deserve a compensation for all this traumatising & exhausting experience. 🤑😅🤣
Objective 3 : As a lesson for everyone who are blinded by love & not to trust anyone who simply uses the word “I LOVE YOU” to manipulate someone for money or dealing with whatever mental issues they are facing.
Objective 4 : This is the main objective; it would be GREAT for us to FIND/LOCATE who is the real person behind the scene (her initial is LR) who has been playing with my dad’s heart for 30 years. LR was declared “dead” on September 2022 by her “closest aunt”. We believe she is still alive, playing, scamming & manipulating other men out there.
Interesting facts : - Upon LR’s death, my dad’s health has deteriorated & he passed away 2 months after.

• We went thru his diaries & belongings. We found 2 faded photos of LR in my dad’s safekeeping. Also letters “written by LR”. All these proof would be cool to be featured on objective 1.
  
• Throughout 1992-2022, there was NO ADDITIONAL PHOTOS received by my dad although technologies would be the only medium for LDR couples to rely on (come on, we had Myspace, Friendster, Facebook, Whatsapp, Telegram, Instagram- you name it!) Reason being : “LR doesnt like technologies” ( but claimed to be an engineer working in Japan & my poor dad actually BELIEVED that!) 😡😆
  
• Dad said LR will only call him when she is free & when her phone is on roaming. Yes, no video calls or Facetime, only NORMAL calls. Yes, she has been using local DiGi & UMobile numbers and YES she has been changing numbers SO MANY FREAKING TIME.
  

So please someone tell me how to get connected with any producers or scriptwriters (local or international) I promise this is an interesting story & not a normal or cliche situation. Original letters, photos & notes will be furnished as supporting documents.
Thank you for reading this. God bless 🙏🏼

To describe people´s emotions more accurately, the Big Five trait of Neuroticism has been reformed. Here is the new definition of Neuroticism:
All of the old facets of Neuroticism (Anxiety, Anger, Depression, Self-Consciousness, Immoderation, Vulnerability) were kept, and a new one, Disgust has been added as well. A novel thing is that Immoderation and Disgust contribute less to your overall neuroticism score than other facets. Specifically, the two facets contribute 8.33% each, while the other facets contribute 16.67% each. You might notice that the numbers don´t add up to 100%. This is because of a rounding error introduced to bring the facet contributions into a simple ratio while balancing them.
Another new thing are debuffs. Debuffs are percents of Neuroticism gained when doing something which does not align with the goals of Your Feelings Don't Matter. However, they decay at a constant rate until they disappear completely. Here are all of the emotional actions and their debuffs:
- Turning the world into an emotional dystopia: +100%, fully decays after 10 years.
- Managing to ban the subreddit, discord or Myspace group of Your Feeling´s Don´t Matter: +75%, fully decays after 5 years
- Openly expressing anger, visibly crying, defaming Your Feeling´s Don´t Matter, endorsing emotions: +50%, fully decays after 30 days
- Using the words derived from feel, fear, cry or hate to describe your experiences, using an emotional emoji ironically, openly expressing fear, saying that you are sad, angry or afraid: +25%, fully decays after 45 days
- Using the words derived from love or vibe to describe your experiences, responding to any of the violations but not saying that emotions are bad, calling positive states of mind emotions, saying that you are disgusted: +10%, fully decays after 15 days
Neuroticism is capped at 100%, and any excess neuroticism from debuffs will be converted to penalty percents, which can however also disappear with debuffs. Neuroticism and penalty can be calculated with these formulae, where N is Neuroticism, P is Penalty, a is the percentage of Anxiety, A is the percentage of Anger, d is the percentage of Depression, v is the percentage of Vulnerability, I is the percentage of Immoderation, D is the percentage of Disgust, k is a debuff, t is the current time, t_k is the time gained of the debuff, d_k is the duration of the debuff, p_k is the percentage gain of the debuff and n is the number of debuffs. Debuffs were created to replace the practice of automatically classifying anyone who "feels" as Limbic.
There are also a few extra points:
- One may be assumed to be low in neuroticism until they show their true test score or get enough debuffs.
- Formal definition of love: A like for a thing involving emotions. A lover may also feel or even express emotions when the thing they love disappears or someone invalidates their love.
- Formal definition of hate: An emotional dislike for something. One may fear, be angry or even depressed about the hated object. These emotions may also increase in intensity when one´s hate is invalidated.

Alright, my fellow content crusaders, let's veer off the beaten path of the tired old "create great content and THEY will come!" mantra, because let's face it - the internet is a wild, untamed beast! It's a virtual jungle out there, and you need more than just a pretty piece of content to survive in the digital wilderness.
Have you noticed how digital marketing, especially the often overlooked gem that is content marketing, doesn't get the respect it deserves? It's like the quirky cousin at the family reunion - everyone knows they are cool, but they don't always get a seat at the grown-up table. While other industries have textbooks thicker than a an old-school phonebook, digital marketing seems to get shoved aside like last year's iPhone model. But this might change, for I am on a noble quest to change that narrative.
My new book, Clickonomics, is here to hopefully shake up the status quo with fresh ideas, innovative frameworks, and tools that will not only revolutionize how we approach internet marketing but will also make the skeptics sit up and take notice. I will take some extracts from the book and post them here.
First new idea: Simba's Five Forces
Picture yourself as Simba the Lion King on the digital savannah. The sun beats down on the pixelated landscape, and beneath the buzzing of social media notifications, you hear it: the distant roar of competition. Other businesses, content creators, and aspiring influencers are circling like hungry hyenas, all vying for attention within the vast expanse of the World Wide Web. This, my friend, is the thrilling, chaotic, and sometimes cutthroat realm of marketing on the internet or as we clickonomists say, competing for attention.
But fear not! For you are no helpless little cub, destined to be left behind by the relentless stampede of online trends. You, the savvy content marketer, have stumbled upon a powerful tool – your survival guide to navigating the online jungle.
Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you Simba's Five Forces.
Now, before you start groaning and rolling your eyes at the mention of another marketing framework, let me assure you - this isn't just some dusty theory cooked up by academics who still think Myspace is the latest social media craze. No, no, my friend, Simba's Five Forces are inspired by something far more exciting than your average business school jargon. We are talking about the OG of business strategic thinking here - the one and only Porter's Five Forces. Simba's Five Forces (SFF for short) is not just standing on the shoulders of giants, it's practically riding on their backs like a boss! I mean, Porter's Five Forces has been the backbone of business strategy since Michael Porter decided to grace us mortals with his wisdom back in 1979 in that Harvard Business Review article “The Five Competitive Forces that Shape Strategy?” Pure gold!
This isn't your run-of-the-mill marketing fluff; this is the real deal. We are talking about competitive forces that can make or break a business, shaping strategies and defining success on the internet. And hey, if it's good enough for Michael Porter and legions of fortune 500 businesses, it's definitely worth a second look.
Think of it this way: the internet is its own kind of ecosystem. It has its predators (established brands with massive followings), its scavengers (those who recycle trendy content), and its adaptable survivors (the ones who roll with the punches and evolve with the ever-changing digital landscape). To thrive in this environment, you need a strategy that taps into both the primal instincts of a lion and the clever resourcefulness of a meerkat.
So, what exactly are these mystical forces?

Force #1: The Threat of New Content – Outsmarting the Deluge on the Internet Jungle
In the kingdom of Clickonomics, the battle for attention is as fierce as lions vying for a prime cut of an antelope. You might think you have crafted a masterpiece of content – a perfectly polished blog post, a hilarious meme, or a viral-worthy video. But wait! Before you unleash your creation into the wild, remember this: the digital savannah is teeming with hungry competitors, constantly churning out fresh content designed to steal your precious audience.
We live in the age of the content deluge. It's estimated that over 2.5 quintillion bytes of data are created every day, much of that in the form of online content. That's the digital equivalent of a hippo stampede, with each new post, video, or tweet threatening to trample your own carefully crafted work into obscurity.
Think of it like this: you are a skilled hunter on the savannah – you have honed your skills, stalked your prey (aka your ideal audience), and prepared the perfect snare. But just as you are about to make your move, an entire pack of newcomers bursts onto the scene, their noisy and haphazard methods scaring away your potential catch. Frustrating, isn't it?
This relentless flood of new content is both the greatest challenge and the greatest opportunity on the internet.
The first rule of surviving the content deluge? Never, ever be a mere copycat. In the oversaturated digital jungle, mimicking what everyone else is doing is a surefire way to be ignored. Remember, back in the glory days of the early internet, a simple text-based web page might have cut it. These days, that's the digital equivalent of showing up to a cocktail party in sweatpants – technically, you are dressed, but you are definitely not making an impression.
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Instead, your mission is to offer something unique, a piece of content that stands tall like a majestic giraffe against the backdrop of the digital plains. Embrace the power of niche – focus on becoming an expert in a specific area, providing the kind of in-depth knowledge your audience craves. Carve out your specialized watering hole, and soon, your thirsty audience will flock to you.
It might be tempting to panic and think, "I need to churn out content faster!" But resist the urge to sacrifice quality for speed. Think of the infamous tortoise and the hare fable. Slow, steady, and strategic wins the race in the online world too. One thoughtfully written insightful article can leave a longer-lasting impact than ten hastily thrown-together social media posts.
Instead of aiming to be everywhere at once, select a few key content platforms at first, and focus on creating content that truly shines there. Remember, your audience would rather see one truly remarkable piece of content per week than mediocre filler content on a daily basis.
Understanding the rhythm of your audience is vital to content mastery. Imagine yourself as a zebra at a watering hole. Visit at the wrong time, and you might find it dried up, or worse, swarming with lurking crocodiles. Similarly, posting the most amazing article at 3 AM when your audience is fast asleep is a recipe for digital crickets.
Analyse when your target audience is most active online. Tools for social media analytics are your best friend here. Publish strategically, so your content has a fighting chance against the deluge, instead of getting swept away unnoticed.
The best news? Not all content is destined to be swept away by the tides of the internet. Invest in creating 'evergreen' content – content that remains valuable long past their publish date. Think in-depth guides packed with practical tips, curated resource lists, or thought leadership pieces that tackle timeless problems in your industry. These are your content workhorses, attracting new audience members long after they are first created.
Of course, even evergreens need some maintenance. Periodically revisit your best-performing older content. Update any statistics, add fresh examples, or improve the formatting. This demonstrates that you are invested in providing the most up-to-date value, earning you serious trust with your audience.
Let's address the big elephant in the digital room: AI content generation tools like OpenAI’s ChatGPT, Microsoft’s Co-Pilot and Google’s Gemini. These have the potential to revolutionize the content creation game, giving smaller businesses and solo content creators a fighting chance against big business. AI can help you generate ideas, whip up attention-grabbing headlines, create image variations, and even draft scripts for videos – it can do so much more!
However, as with any powerful tool, AI in the wrong hands can be dangerous. It's tempting to fall into the trap of churning out generic, AI-written content en-masse. But here is a word of caution: the inhabitants of the digital savannah are getting smarter. Audiences can sniff out soulless, AI-generated content a mile away. And worse, search engines like Google are cracking down on sites that overuse these tactics.
The key to harnessing AI lies in using it as your intelligent assistant, not your creative replacement. Let AI handle some of the grunt work, giving you the building blocks that you then enhance with your unique insights, expertise, and brand voice.
Standing out and creating timeless content is essential, but so is the ability to stay nimble in the fast-paced digital world. Trends emerge and disappear faster than a chameleon changing colours. Ignore them at your peril, but don't become a slave to them either.
Think strategically. Can you leverage a trending topic in a way that aligns with your brand and niche? Is there a way to put your unique spin on a viral challenge in a way that feels authentic? Don't be afraid to experiment, just make sure there is always a method behind your choices (or madness!).
Let's step back for a moment and ponder this: we are living in an age where everyone's vying to create and share the latest and greatest thing, yet our attention spans are notoriously short and getting shorter. It's a paradox: we crave constant novelty, yet, at the same time, we are overwhelmed by the sheer volume of it all.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to navigate this contradiction. Become a digital curator – the one who sorts through the chaos, providing a carefully selected set of high-quality content that truly resonates with your audience. By offering value instead of simply adding to the noise, you become an oasis in the vast desert of information overload.
The threat of new content is a constant force in the realm of Clickonomics, but it's one you can learn to wield to your advantage. Remember: there is always space for content that offers genuine value, that cuts through the clutter, and provides your audience with experiences they wouldn't find anywhere else on the internet.
So, channel your inner Simba. Understand the landscape of this digital savannah, be both fierce and strategic in your content creation, and never underestimate the power of high-quality contributions that stand the test of time. Do this, and you won't just survive the content deluge, you will reign supreme as a king or queen of your digital domain.

Force #2: Threat of Different Type of Content – The Content Chameleon, Adapting to the Buffet of Consumer Preferences.
In George Orwell's thought-provoking masterpiece, Animal Farm, the animals were all gung-ho about the whole 'equality for all' gig. They even had a snazzy placard with the catchy slogan "All Animals Are Equal." But lo and behold, as soon as the pigs got a taste of power (and probably some delicious apples), that placard magically transformed into a new and improved version: "All animals are equal BUT some animals are more equal than others." Talk about a classic case of equality taking a nosedive straight into the realm of irony!
Yes, yes, we all know that "content is king." But let's not forget that in the vast kingdom of the internet, some types of content are like the royals of the British royal family. With over a hundred different flavors of content to choose from – blog posts, videos of all shapes and sizes, podcasts, infographics, memes, quizzes, you name it – it is no wonder we are all swimming in a sea of choices. Sure, all content should be engaging and attention-grabbing, but let's face it, some types of content are just born to rule the internet like the content monarchs they are. So, whether you are into dissecting the stats of Cristiano Ronaldo vs. Lionel Messi in a 10,000-word essay or prefer a 15-minute video reel of Cristiano and Messi dancing their way to greatness on the football pitch, remember, not all content is created equal – some are just destined for internet stardom!
Imagine yourself at a digital buffet, tables overflowing with every conceivable type of content: long-form blog posts that go deep into complex topics, bite-sized infographics perfect for a quick information fix, hilarious memes that make you snort-laugh in public (not ideal, but hey, we have all been there). This is what its like on the modern internet – a land of abundance and overwhelming choice for your target audience.
Here is the challenge: in this content smorgasbord, simply creating good content isn't enough. You need to become a master content chameleon, adapting your approach to suit the ever-evolving preferences of your audience. Remember the mantra of Simba's First Force: Content is King. But here is the twist: in the realm of Clickonomics, all content is indeed royalty, but some content types reign more supreme than others.
Let's face it, the internet has spoiled us rotten. We crave constant stimulation, flitting from one engaging type of content to another like a hummingbird between flowers. Statistics don't lie: studies show that our attention spans have shrunk to the size of a goldfish (cue Dory's voice: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!"). This means that long-form content, once the undisputed king of the internet, now faces stiff competition from its more concise cousins: listicles, infographics, and – the undisputed champion of the short attention span – the mighty short-form video.
Think about it this way: would you rather spend an hour poring over a dense blog post analysing the philosophy of The Lion King, or watch a 5-minute video filled with hilarious clips and insightful commentary on the same topic? For most internet users, the answer is clear – short, engaging video wins every time (unless you are a die-hard text fiend, in which case, kudos to your dedication!).
But hold on a second, Simba! We wouldn't want to paint the internet with one broad brush. Not everyone craves the same content format. Understanding your target audience goes beyond demographics like age and location. Delving deeper, you need to understand their content consumption habits. Are they avid podcast listeners who crave in-depth conversations? Or perhaps they are visual learners who get lost in the world of infographics?
Here is where the Customer Ikigai and web analytics become your secret weapons. These tools tell you a fascinating story about how your audience interacts with your content. Did your latest blog post get crickets? Analyse which format performed best with past audiences and consider repurposing the content into another content format. Perhaps a captivating video summary could breathe new life into the topic.
Repurposing your content isn't about laziness; it's about strategic efficiency. Imagine crafting a captivating blog post – it took time, research, and a hefty dose of creative energy. Now, picture the untapped potential this content holds beyond the written word.
Embrace the content chameleon spirit! Here is where Simba's Content Matrix comes into play (you will learn more about this ingenious tool later, stay tuned!). This matrix helps you map your existing content across different formats, transforming your blog post into a captivating infographic, a bite-sized social media post, or even the script for a short, engaging video.
By repurposing your content, you cater to the diverse preferences of your audience, ensuring your message reaches the right people in the format they crave. It's like serving the same delicious meal on different plates – some might prefer a fancy five-course experience, while others just want a quick and satisfying snack.
This abundance of content formats presents both a challenge and an opportunity. It forces you to be more strategic, to understand your audience on a deeper level, and to constantly adapt your approach. However, it also empowers you to reach a wider audience than ever before.
Think of it this way: in the pre-internet era, a marketer's message was limited by traditional media formats. They had to choose between print ads, radio commercials, or expensive television slots. Now, the internet offers a buffet of possibilities, allowing you to tailor your message to resonate with specific audience segments.
But here is another secret sauce that binds all these formats together: the power of storytelling. Regardless of whether you are crafting a lengthy blog post or a short video, weaving a narrative into your content is the most potent way to capture and hold your audience's attention. After all, humans are wired for stories. They transport us, educate us, and evoke emotions in a way that dry facts and figures simply can't.
In the grand scheme of storytelling, a history textbook might as well be the plain oatmeal of narratives - bland, forgettable, and lacking that certain spice that makes you want to come back for more. It's like trying to sip on a lukewarm cup of tea when you could be sipping on a tropical cocktail with a little umbrella in it. And when it comes to the epic showdown between Simba and Scar, well, let's just say a bullet-point recounting is like ordering a cheeseburger with no cheese, no burger, and just a random slice of lettuce on a plate.
But, oh, watching that battle unfold on the screen? It's like biting into a juicy, perfectly cooked steak - it's savory, it's satisfying, and it leaves you wanting more. The drama, the suspense, the heart-pounding music swelling in the background - that's the stuff that makes your hair stand on end and your heart race with excitement. So, if you had to choose between reading about Simba's triumph in a textbook or watching it all play out in vivid animation, well, let's just say Hakuna Matata wouldn't be in your vocabulary if you missed out on that cinematic experience.
The ever-changing landscape of the internet demands a relentless spirit of experimentation. Don't be afraid to try new content formats, analyse how your audience responds, and pivot your strategy accordingly. Remember those meerkats from the Pride Lands? They are always vigilant, testing out new routes and keeping an eye out for both predators and tasty snacks. That same sense of adventurous curiosity should guide your content strategy.

Force 3: Threat of Competition – The Roaring Crowd, standing out in the Internet’s Coliseum
Welcome back to the Clickonomics arena, where the battle for attention plays out with the ferocity of a gladiator duel in the Colosseum. Here, the roar of the crowd isn't measured in decibels, but in clicks, shares, and that coveted social currency – engagement. And guess who you are competing against? Not just your direct competitors, but a cacophony of voices vying for the same precious commodity: attention.
In the brick-and-mortar business world, competition often follows a clear line: you versus the company across the street offering similar products. But the internet mercilessly shatters these boundaries. Here, the playing field is vast and the competition is fierce, often coming from unexpected corners of the internet.
Remember the wise words of Gary Vaynerchuk, the social media guru himself: "And I’m terribly sorry for the biggest advertisers in the world wasting all their money because they are taking the consumer’s attention for granted.” This statement rings especially true online. Take HSBC, one of the biggest banks founded by a thrifty Scot, for example. They might think their biggest competition is another bank like JP Morgan or Citigroup. But on the internet, a single personal finance blogger churning out content about financial freedom could pose a far greater threat. Why? Because that blogger is capturing the very thing HSBC desperately craves – the attention of potential customers.
This abundance of options online presents a fascinating paradox. What entrepreneurs and businesses traditionally perceive as "competition," internet users simply see as "choice." They have the luxury of filtering through a vast sea of voices, choosing the ones that resonate with them most.
Here is a counterintuitive truth: competition online isn't about eliminating your rivals; it's about carving out a distinct space within this crowded marketplace. It's about understanding what makes your brand unique, what value proposition you offer, and how to communicate that message in a way that cuts through the digital noise.
Think of a lion stalking its prey on the savannah. It blends into its surroundings, using its natural camouflage to remain undetected. But then, it pounces – a burst of power and agility that sets it apart from the rest of the herd. That's the essence of differentiation in the digital world.
Now, here is a surprising twist: those seemingly fierce internet competitors can actually be a valuable source of knowledge. Analyse their digital marketing strategies, see what content resonates with their audience, and identify any gaps you can exploit. Remember, the internet isn't a zero-sum game. Learning from your competitors, and constantly iterating on your own approach, is what leads to long-term success.
Let's not forget the power of disruption. The internet thrives on innovation. Think of companies like Airbnb and Uber – they challenged established industries by offering fresh perspectives and disrupting the status quo. Could your brand take a similar approach? Is there a way to shake things up in your niche and capture the attention of a weary audience tired of the same old strategies?
In the digital coliseum, the roar of the crowd isn't a threat, but an opportunity. It's the sound of potential customers, waiting to be captivated by a brand that stands out from the rest. Embrace the challenge of competition, leverage the insights it offers, and most importantly, never stop refining your roar. That is how you transform competition into a catalyst for growth, attracting your ideal audience and establishing your dominance in your digital corner of the internet.
Remember, Simba didn't win the battle for Pride Rock by simply copying his father. He learned from Mufasa's wisdom, embraced his own strengths, and ultimately, found his own roar.
And most importantly, remember that the battle for clicks isn't about crushing your competitors; it's about connecting with your audience in a meaningful and authentic way. Carve out your unique niche, understand your audience's roar, and make sure your message resonates across the digital savannah.
The internet, with its boundless opportunities and fierce competition, offers an exhilarating and ever-evolving marketing landscape. While the battle might feel overwhelming at times, equipped with Simba's Five Forces, you have a powerful arsenal of strategies and insights to navigate this vibrant yet often chaotic ecosystem.
So, channel your inner lion, stand tall among the digital crowd, and let your brand's unique roar resonate through the internet, attracting the right audience and securing your rightful place in the Clickonomics kingdom!

Force #4: Bargaining Power of Content Platforms and Content Creators.
Ah, the shimmering oasis of the internet – a place teeming with content creators, each vying for a coveted sip from the well of audience attention. But hold on a second, Simba! This digital watering hole isn't quite as democratic as it seems. In the realm of Clickonomics, a complex dance unfolds between content platforms and creators – a delicate tango where power dynamics shift like desert sands.
Cast your eyes upon the digital horizon. You see them, don't you? The towering figures – Google, YouTube, Facebook – the content platforms that dominate the internet landscape. These digital behemoths hold immense power, controlling the algorithms that determine who gets seen, who gets heard, and who fades into the background noise.
Imagine a bustling marketplace where shopkeepers (the content creators) vie for customers' attention. But here is the twist: the market square is owned by a single, all-powerful landlord (the content platform). This landlord decides which shops get prime locations, sets the rent (through algorithm manipulation), and ultimately controls the flow of foot traffic (audience attention).
Now, don't get us wrong. Content platforms offer incredible opportunities for creators. Imagine having access to a global audience with just a click (or a well-placed hashtag). The potential for building a loyal following and amplifying your message is truly astounding.
But here is the paradox (yet again!): content creators need platforms to reach their audience, but platforms rely on content creators to create captivating content to attract users in the first place. It's a symbiotic yin and yang kind of relationship, a delicate dance where both parties hold a modicum of power.
Think of it like Simba and Nala in their playful cubhood days. Nala, with her adventurous spirit, pushes Simba to explore beyond the boundaries of Pride Rock. Without Nala's encouragement, Simba might never have discovered the world beyond the familiar. Yet, Simba brings his own strength and potential to the table, ensuring their adventures are exciting and memorable.
Content creators fuel the engines of these platforms. But creators also hold the power to walk away, taking their talents elsewhere. A mass exodus of popular YouTubers, for instance, could be a major blow to the YouTube's viewership and advertising revenue.
The algorithm – the mysterious gatekeeper in the digital marketplace – deserves its own paragraph (or perhaps an entire book!). These complex sets of rules determine how content is ranked, displayed, and ultimately, discovered by audiences. Understanding how algorithms work is crucial for any content creator or business hoping to navigate the power dynamics of Clickonomics.
But there is a catch: algorithms are constantly evolving, shrouded in a veil of secrecy by the platforms themselves. It's a game of cat and mouse, where creators try to decipher the algorithm's preferences to optimize their content, while platforms refine their systems to stay ahead of the curve.
Now, let us not paint a picture of complete content creator disempowerment. In today's digital world, creators with large, engaged followings wield significant power. Think of Mr Beast or PewDiePie on YouTube – they are celebrities in their own right, attracting billions of views and commanding hefty advertising fees. These "superstars" have the leverage to negotiate better deals with platforms, ensuring a fairer share of the digital pie.
The bargaining power dynamic between platforms and creators and businesses that want a piece of the attention pie is constantly in flux. New content platforms emerge, established giants fall, and the dance continues.
However, there is a growing trend – the rise of decentralized content platforms (…ahem, blockchain enters stage right!). These decentralized content platforms promise greater autonomy for creators, challenging the stronghold of the established players. Could this shift the balance of power in the future, leading to a more creator-centric ecosystem? Only time will tell.
In the realm of Clickonomics, understanding the interplay between Content platforms and creators is essential for forging a successful path. It's a game of chess – not checkers. Play the long game, focus on quality content, build your community, and navigate the shifting sands of algorithms.
While the content platforms wield immense power, remember the vital role you – the content creator – play in the success of the digital landscape. Your creativity, passion, and connection with your audience are what ultimately drive the engines of these platforms forward.
So, channel your inner lion! Recognize the power dynamics at play and use your own unique voice and talent to carve a place for yourself in the digital savanna. In the ever-evolving world of Clickonomics, the interplay between platforms and creators is a dance of both dependence and defiance, a struggle for visibility and the potential to reap the rewards of your hard work.

Force 5: Bargaining Power of Internet Users – Understanding the Power of the People in Clickonomics.
Amidst the noise of content and the allure of clicks on the internet, one force often gets overlooked: the power of the people themselves – the internet users, the consumers, the silent (but very much clicking) majority we call the Clickocracy.
In the realm of Clickonomics, we spend a lot of time dissecting algorithms, crafting content strategies, and analysing click-through rates. But sometimes, we get lost in the numbers game, forgetting the most crucial element – the human beings behind the clicks!
Think of it this way: imagine Simba, all grown up and ruling Pride Rock. He can have the wisest advisors (digital marketing specialists), the most loyal lionesses by his side (brand ambassadors), and the juiciest antelope herds (high-quality content) at his disposal. But if the pride itself (your target audience) loses faith in his leadership (your brand), well, that reign might come crashing down faster than you can say "Hakuna Matata."
The internet has empowered its users like never before. They have an abundance of choices at their fingertips – a million websites to browse, countless social media platforms to scroll through, and an endless stream of content creators vying for their attention. This, my friend, is the paradox of choice.
On the one hand, it's fantastic for users. They have the power to be discerning, to choose brands that resonate with their values, and to actively shape the digital landscape with their clicks and online behaviours. But for entrepreneurs and marketers like you and me, it presents a significant challenge. How do you stand out from the digital din and capture the attention of a fickle, ever-connected audience?
In this age of algorithm manipulation and sponsored content, one marketing force remains timeless: word-of-mouth marketing. Remember the days of blockbuster movies (RIP Blockbuster!) fuelled by positive reviews and enthusiastic chatter amongst friends? The internet thrives on a similar principle.
Think about the last time you bought something online. Did you blindly add it to your shopping cart, or did you scour review sections, check social media mentions, and maybe even watch a few unboxing videos? Chances are, you relied heavily on the opinions and experiences of your fellow internet citizens.
This phenomenon is rooted in something fundamental – trust. We, as humans, are wired to value the opinions of others, especially those we perceive as similar to ourselves. A glowing Amazon review from someone with similar interests holds far more weight than a perfectly crafted sales copy.
The Clickocracy isn't a silent majority; it's a vocal, engaged audience with the power to make or break your digital presence. Embrace the challenge, prioritize building trust, and focus on creating value for your audience.
Remember, it's not about manipulating clicks but about forging genuine connections. When you empower the Clickocracy, you don't just gain customers; you gain a community of loyal advocates who will champion your brand message far and wide across the vast digital savanna.
So, dethrone the outdated marketing tactics of the past. Welcome the Clickocracy era, understand the power of the people, and watch your brand ascend the ranks in the ever-evolving realm of Clickonomics. Remember, Simba didn't win the hearts of the Pride Lands by brute force. He earned their respect, their loyalty, and ultimately, their clicks (well, roars in this case) through trust, authenticity, and a genuine connection with his fellow lions.
The balance of power in the digital sphere is constantly shifting, but one thing is certain: the Clickocracy's influence will only continue to grow. With the rise of social media platforms, review sites, and the democratization of information, internet users have more power than ever before.
This presents both opportunities and challenges for businesses and creators in the realm of Clickonomics. Those who understand the evolving needs and expectations of the Clickocracy, who prioritize building trust and delivering genuine value, will be best positioned to survive and thrive on the internet.
This digital age we live in is a customer-centric one. It's no longer about blasting out sales pitches into the ether, but about cultivating a two-way dialogue, where businesses listen and respond to the voices of their audience. It's an era where businesses can build meaningful, lasting relationships with customers through digital channels, forging a bond that extends beyond mere transactions.
Remember as you navigate the vast landscape of the internet, never underestimate the power of the people on the other side of the screen. Their clicks may seem small, but collectively, they have the power to shape industries, launch brands into the stratosphere, and ultimately, determine the winners in the ever-evolving game of Clickonomics.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-y3HDiJ-4qU
(this is a personal story that very few people will understand but those deeply into Rozz Williams fan lore...good luck)
This is Casey Strange speaking.....
I can't find the right words to express the discomfort I've been feeling all month since I set all my videos on the scholars society to private and deactivated our facebook page.
Most people think I'm going away for good. Some rightfully believe I am protesting the Rozz documentary as I have stated that the methods of going about that documentary have upset me. But I won't go into those particulars even though it played a role in my breaking point and considering either a vacation away or a new lease of life (or perhaps an end of life plan...)
The truth is, there is some partial burn out here but it was the compassion I had for people I cared about that has kept me going these past 16 years. There are times where I just want to pour the details out and reveal the knooks and crannies of why things unfolded and how they exactly went down between 2009 and 2014. 2009 was really the year everything in my life really change. It's when I met Sindie and later James. I met Sindie through George's blog on myspace at the time that I have since posted on the community section of that channel. Truth be it, I was gonna live stream and tell this story but I think it's better suited here. I met Chris and Kevin through Myspace even though I'd been watching and crawling Rozznet for years before that. I don't wanna get into how I got into Rozz. I just want to show you a period in my life when I was just like you. A period in my life I truly miss. Just being a regular Rozz fan. It's not the same anymore and it never will be. I sleep every night with his bangles on and have since Sindie gave them to me in 09. I even would split the two I have between lovers of mine.. recently I've been sleeping with his ashes around my neck as I don't have anyone else in these times to comfort me anymore. He's dead. But he's all I have.
I'm not ungrateful that Rozznet gave me the oppurtunity to publish CDs. I thank Chris and Kevin every day for it even though they are not here anymore. I didn't know what to do after Chris died and I was just told to continue working on the project. And than I got worried about the website. Chris died that August and my aunt died last April. 2023 fucking sucked for me, okay? I had to clean out my aunts house and go through all my grandparents shit that she kept locked away for 20 years. Including finding things my grandfather wanted me to have that my aunt purposely tried to keep me from having...and watching photos get snatched from my hands by surviving relatives to never be seen again I watched history I cared about right in front of me involving my own kin get taken from me and I know I'll never see it again... Chris was one of those people who was helping me grieve. I still had the spirit and fandom of Rozz alive and I was determined to do some good things for Rozznet. We spent so many years trying to give the site the jumpstart it deserved and needed. There are others I could name but out o f respect i dont want to bring his name into this thread.... I had just completed a rehab program at the beginning of 2023 and Chuck Collision was want of my friends and sponsors, he gave me the okay to publish 3 PE releases through Rozznet as Kevin of Rozznet had passed in 2022. I did a very limited edition Shadow Projet release on DVD that year before going into treatment as the result of some bullshit harassment to my agent that was occuring from DJ Aytakk and a YouTuber I am not yet ready to name.
I had such positive support.
So after cleaning out my grandparents stuff I got back to business and launched Dead in Toronto. The first release. Chris enjoyed it so much. I'll never forget his reaction. They sold so quickly on ebay and even collectors I firmly believe do not like me bought it. I was so impressed and happy to see that something I had done was positive. It felt like after all these years, what we did at the scholars society meant something. Chris began to ask me to digitize the Rozznet collection and I obliged. I didn't want to ask for too much at once, and the last thing I asked him for was Assertive Discipline (Mix II). July of 2023. 26 years after the recording was made. Chuck hadn't heard this mix in that long either. Only Chris and Kevin and a cabal of elites ever had. When we were working on Dead in Hamilton, I got a very concerning message from a friend who seemed worried about me.
"I'm here for you, Casey." he said. Being put off I was like what the fuck you talkin' about? And he gave me a very pleading message to continue going and that its' what Chris would have wanted and as I realized what was going on reading this message tears just started streaming down my face..
And I knew that we had to get Mix II out there right away and fuck Hamilton and Night Sweats off.And that's we we did. And it was released in October. A month after Chris' funeral... And after that is when people behaved strangely. The release was a success but... I got concerned. People were not staying in communication with each other. People were worried about toxin going about. And than I got paranoid... and worried. My anxiety spiked when Rozznet went off line. But I had to keep going. I know Chris would have wanted me to finish the series. But in February, Chris' store finally closed. And I was left with boxes of CDs to send that were not going to move on my own. And I'm stuck with 25 Hamiltons and Night Sweats and a keyboard full of tears right now. I feel like people around Chris screwed up the project he had in mind for me after his death. But I'm not here to throw a fit about that. But I will not lie, it has upset me greatly. And to go into this right now would involve talking about Nico and I'm just not going to yet. I'm fuckin' pissed regarding that still....
I can't get over it. I'm not ready for a fuckin' Rozz movie right now and that's my own personal problem and I'm truly sorry to all of Rozz's fans I let down when I disappeared and turned into this toxic vile creature you've witnessed all month. But the truth is I'm fuckin crushed and gutted and I miss my friends.
Some of my friends died before I could reconcile a few things, two died on very good terms with me leaving me thinking they were going to be home tomorrow.... , one threw himself out of his apartment window.....one died from cancer while undergoing emergency treatment....
There are two other fans other than myself that I have empathy for in their grief in Sindie, one of whom has a mutual dislike between us. Either way..there is no question that the people who greatly influenced my life in this journey...prior to meeting Chuck of course....are gone. And I'm not the kind of person who has his nose buried in Chuck's ass all the time. My interview is a great piece of how Chuck and I communicate but we are grown men with our own lives.
I knew Shawn Terry of Guilty Strangers, I knew Christina Death, I knew Sindie, I knew these all these fuckin' people man..who were my friends...because here at home I've got nothing.... Rozz brought us all together. And they're gone..
And that's what makes me cry......
Seeing the deadly venomous monster Casey Strange cry......he's not so macho now, huh?.......
Rozznet is down all the old folks are gone.
I'm gonna end up spending the rest of my life alone a pariah and I can't do this anymore.... There's times I think about just checking it out and leaving my family to sort it out. But the truth is they don't care about any of this.
I feel trapped.......

Okay, I have a story to tell. It’s a long one, so buckle up. Just bear in mind, though this story is true, most of it happened a long time ago. I’m going to try to write it down as best as I can remember. As I said, it took place a long time ago; remembering some events is like grasping at smoke in the wind, while some memories are sharp and vivid, etched in my mind as though they happened a few hours ago. I’ll try to piece it together to the best of my abilities. I’ll try my best not to use any names, I hope that will not make it too confusing.
When I was in high school—a long long time ago—I was head over heels for this one girl. We were friends. We had a class together for two years, and worked together running one of the after school clubs. The biggest problem was that I really didn’t belong there. I was too old. I had been in an accident, and was severely injured—almost died. I worked hard for years to get my life back, and when I could physically handle the day to day grind I returned to school. I wasn’t at 100%--I never will be (I had a damaged lung, breathing issues, and lost an arm in the accident). I re-started high school as a freshman at 18 years old. I met her when I was 19 at the beginning of my sophomore year. She was a junior at the time, and had just turned 16. Bear in mind, this is long before social media, smart phones, texting—none of that existed yet…I’m talking dawn of the internet—dial-up AOL pay by the minute access. Yes, I’m as old as dirt. Even for the time, I was old fashioned. I was also not in the best state of mind when it came to confidence with girls. Every other aspect of life, I was good to go, but when it came to dealing with the opposite sex…I was worried nobody would want someone as broken as me.
I couldn’t just ask her out, but I couldn’t ignore what I was feeling either, so I wrote her a note explaining what I was feeling and asking permission to pursue her. Yeah, I’m old, we’ve established that. Her response was more or less what I expected; she said she thought I was really cool, but she thought it would be a bad idea, and we should just be friends for several reasons: First, she was interested in someone else, and if he were to notice her she wouldn’t want to hurt me because I was such a nice guy. Second, her parents didn’t allow her to date. And third, even if her parents did let her date, they would never let her go out with someone so much older.
So, she gave me a solid no. I get it. I understood. I decided to back off and create some distance until what I was feeling could pass. I sat at a different table in class. I sat with a different group in the after school club we were both a part of. I tried to keep my distance from her. The faculty advisors of the club had other plans. They decided that our abilities complimented each other and put us in charge of the club. Now I had no choice but to directly interact with her. My mind was still in recovery mode, so quitting the club (or anything else for that matter) was not an option for me.
She and I were still friendly, so I bit my tongue, swallowed my feelings, and did the work. I sat with her in class, headed up the club meetings beside her, and worked head to head with her on all club business. By the end of December I was driving her home every day; I had my license, my own car, and a sweet handicapped parking spot right outside the school.
More than a few classmates took notice of the amount of time she and I were spending together. I was asked on more than one occasion if we were dating, or told that I should ask her out. My response was always that we were just friends. I even started using our age difference as an excuse. In fact, I used my age as a shield for any inquiries into who I might be interested in at school; playing what I called the ‘forbidden fruit’ card on several occasions. I tried going out with a few other girls my own age, but I just wasn’t feeling it. I knew it didn’t make sense, but I still only wanted to be with her, knowing I never would. So I just gave up and buried myself in work.
I was still trying to get myself back to where I was before I got hurt, even though I knew I’d never get there. I was into martial arts, kendo, and fencing; I was actually quite a good fighter at one point, so when the summer came, I threw myself back into training as much as I could. I still had difficulty breathing, but I was trying to build back my strength and stamina. Over the summer months I was either working or training, but no matter how busy I kept myself, I couldn’t keep my mind off of her, wondering where she was, what she was doing…daydreaming about spending time with her, then beating myself up, knowing that it was never going to happen. I kept telling myself to just get over it, with no luck.
When September rolled around I headed back to school, confident that I could just drop back into the daily routine of burying my feelings, wrapping myself in my stone-faced, icy exterior and working through the grind beside her. And that worked just fine for about the first 60 seconds after she walked into the room. I had to excuse myself, went to the bathroom and put cold water on my face just to regain my composure. I didn’t think seeing her again would hit me so hard, and I don’t think anyone noticed how close I was to falling apart. A few deep breaths later and I was ready to get back to business as usual.
That day, I met her younger sister, and drove them both home. Not long after that she volunteered me to drive another girl home as well. I didn’t really mind; I had been hurt walking home from school so just the idea of someone walking home gave me the shivers. The thing was, the sisters lived closer to the school than this third girl. It would have made more sense for me to drop them off before the third girl, but she insisted that this girl get dropped off first. She also insisted that this girl and her sister sit in the back seat while she rode shotgun. I didn’t really think about it at the time, but it does seem strange now that I’m thinking about it.
We were back in the groove of classes and after school club meetings; I was keeping myself focused and on task. I kept my feelings buried, nose to the grindstone, and focused on the task at hand. A few months into the school year the club’s first project was nearing completion. She and I stayed late, making copies in one of the office rooms, and nearing the end of the day’s work I noticed that she had a smudge of ink on her face. I laughed and pointed it out. She tried to wipe it off, but rubbed the wrong side of her face, so I pointed out the location of the smudge by reaching out with my hand. I didn’t quite touch her face, but I did seem to rattle something loose in my head.
All I had to do was take one step forward, put my hand behind her head, and draw her in for a kiss. Instead, I stepped back, excused myself, and quickly made my way to the nearest bathroom in search of some cold water to splash on my face. Five minutes, three handfuls of cold water, and several deep breaths later, I had regained my composure. I dried my face off, went back to the office, and took her home. That was a close call. I told myself I had to find a better way of controlling my emotions. And for a while, it worked.
After Christmas break we started ramping up the club’s second project, and I was determined to keep myself focused and under control. I did okay for a while, kept my composure, and got my work done. January was pretty uneventful, but February was hard. Valentine’s Day was brutal, and that was the day I finally broke. I decided I was done, that sometimes it was okay to give up and quit. At the next club meeting just before February vacation I chewed out most of the club members for some poor behavior, announced that I was quitting, and walked out. I told her that I would still help, but I wasn’t going to put myself through the club meetings anymore. That was a lie. I had no intention of going back to the club, and in fact had intended for the next day, Friday, to be my last day in school. I cut the class we shared because I didn’t want to face her. I also intended to turn in my books and leave early, stranding her and her sister without a ride home…dick move, I know, but I felt it was for the best.
My faculty advisor, the teacher whose class I had just blown off, tracked me down the next period in study hall and sat across the table from me. Mrs. L. informed me that I could not quit the club because, for me, it was part of her class, and if I quit the club she would have to fail me. She just about fell out of her chair when I told her she could go ahead and fail me, because I didn’t need the grade. Then I let her know one of my little secrets; my guidance counselor worked with the assistant principal to arrange a time during February vacation to take the GED exam. A $75 fee and an afternoon at a testing center in the next town over would get me my certificate. I wasn’t coming back.
Surprised, Mrs. L shook her head and sighed sadly. She told me that she understood that I was going through a difficult time, but that I’d gone through so much and I shouldn’t give up. Then she just about knocked me out of my chair; she said she could tell that I was always sure of myself, but not everyone was as confident in themselves. She said “you’ve got to give her more time, she’ll come ‘round”.
Wait, what? She laughed at me and told me that, though she was only a teacher, she was not blind or stupid. She said she could tell that there was a connection between me and this girl, that she had never seen two people more suited for one another, but this girl just wasn’t ready to accept it…but she would come around, and I needed to give her more time. Or, I could just walk away, and never know.
Mrs. L left me with a lot to think about. I stuck out the rest of the day, drove the sisters home, and headed off to think. Needless to say, that GED exam that I paid for went untaken, and after vacation I was back at school, back to the club, and back to my day to day grind. Mrs. L. let the club know that I was back under protest, because of her class. My plan to leave was never spoken of again until I just typed it out.
Not much changed over the next month, until one dreary day in March. Most of the underclassmen were on a field trip, and this girl and I were pretty much alone in Mrs. L.’s class. We were just sitting at our table talking about nothing of any consequence; until she looked down and started telling me about a guy she worked with. She told me that this guy was cool, but kinda different. As she went on describing this guy, her description seemed more and more familiar. Everything she told me about this guy could also apply to me. Then she said that she liked him, and he liked her, but he was older than her, so nothing could ever happen between them. Was she really talking about me? I have no idea…and at this point, I never will. That conversation has stayed etched in my mind for 30 years. Just typing out this paragraph pulls my heart up into my throat.
April popped up, and I walked into Mrs. L.’s class where I found this girl totally freaking out. She had forgotten her science project at home and her mom wasn’t home for the day. Without that project, her science grade would drop. Me being me, I volunteered to take her home to pick it up. Mrs. L. couldn’t give us permission to leave the school, but she said as far as she was concerned, she saw nothing, heard nothing, and knew nothing. This girl and I snuck out of the school to my car, and I took her home. When we got to her house she asked if I wanted to come in for a drink. I declined, telling her we should probably hurry back before we were missed. She went into the house to retrieve her work, taking what I felt was way too long to simply grab a project. As she climbed into my car she slipped, crashing into my shoulder. It would have been so easy for me to just lean in to her and kiss her, but I just sat back and tried to help her into her seat. I was able to get us back to the school just before class ended. She went to drop off her project in the science lab while I went to let Mrs. L. know we were back and our mission was accomplished. I picked up the book-bag I had left in Mrs. L.’s room and started walking toward study hall. Instead, I walked to the library and asked my media teacher if there was a quiet place where I could get some work done alone. He gave me a key to one of the empty media labs and told me to return it by the end of the day. That’s where I sat, in the dark, through my study period, lunch, and my next class. Breathing deeply, trying to meditate, center myself, whatever I could do to regain my composure, I found myself shaking in the darkness. After about an hour I was able to steady myself, calm down, and regain emotionless self-control. After I dropped the sisters off after school, I headed home and sat in my room until the next morning.
The rest of the month was difficult, April vacation serving as a cursed blessing; I was away from her for the entire week, but I was away from her for an entire week! No…not even a school vacation can be easy. As May crept up on me, Mrs. L.’s words “you’ve got to give her more time, she’ll come ‘round” started to weigh upon me. She was a senior, and would be graduating in the beginning of June. Time was running out. As much as they hurt, I wanted to hold on to those days as long as I could. And finally, time ran out. On her last day, when I dropped her off, I gave her a small gift, and said goodbye. For some reason, I was sure I’d never see her again. I went home and locked myself in my room. It was over. Time was up. She didn’t come ‘round. As much as it hurt knowing she was gone, I felt as though a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I wouldn’t have to mask my feelings with her anymore. There would be no one to shake my self-control. There would be no more daily torment. I was free from my daily agony.
My peace lasted all but a week. She turned up at school with the club’s final project for the year. She showed up to pick up her sister. Like a bad penny, she kept showing up, and every time I just wanted to hug her, hold her close, and never let her go. When summer finally came I found my numbing relief, as I was away for much of the break. This time, I knew it was over. If I could put the memory of her out of my mind, I knew I could find some kind of peace.
A few weeks away helped me get my head right. I was solidly in control. I had, over the last few years, regained much of my strength. And now I finally had my self-control back. Now, nothing could shake me. Nothing could distract me. She was gone, my heart was dead, and I was good to go. Until…
It was early. I’d just gotten out of the shower and gotten dressed when my phone rang. It was her. She called to ask if I’d still be able to give her sister a ride home from school; something I had already agreed to do. She told me it was her 18th birthday. She was finally free of her parents’ rules. She told me about her college in the city, about her new dorm, and about how her school would allow her to have guests stay with her. She was excited that she was finally living by her own rules. I wanted to cry. I didn’t know what she wanted me to say. I didn’t know what she wanted me to do. She’d earlier told me she thought my pursuing her was a bad idea. She’d said that nothing could ever happen because of our age difference. She’d given me a solid no…twice. After 45 minutes on the phone my mind short-circuited. I couldn’t breathe. A tear ran down my cheek as I told her I was sorry, I’d love to talk more, but I had to go to work. I didn’t really have to go anywhere, but I didn’t want to be on the phone with her and have an emotional breakdown. I prided myself on being unemotional, and I was about to fail. I spent the rest of the day fighting tears, wondering what that whole conversation was all about. Was it just mundane chit chat, or was there more to it? Was there something she wanted me to say, or was she oblivious to how I felt? I’ll never know.
Over the next few months I’d hear from her every once in a while, a random phone call, a message sent with her sister, but contact was limited, and I was able to stay composed through the days and weeks without her presence. I began to feel as though she knew how I felt, and was just having fun tormenting me from a distance; or at least that was the impression I got from her sister. But distance seemed to help, because I could tell myself that I’d never see her again.
Then there she was. Half day of school, the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I walked into the northern wing of the school, and there she was, standing outside the English department office. I wanted to drop my bag, pick her up and never let her go. What I did was say hello with a quip about, after escaping this place, why would she come back? She said she was there to visit her old teachers. I told her that I’d like to talk, but I had to get to English class because I had a quiz to take, then I scurried away…happy to have seen her but dejected that she wasn’t there to see me. I failed that quiz, by the way. Couldn’t concentrate. After English was over I went to the wrong room for my next class. When the school day was done I got into my car, and a half hour later I looked up and had no idea where I was. I’d gotten lost on the way home. It all just seemed so wrong.
We shared a few more phone conversations over the next few months; she told me how much fun she was having in the city, how many good schools there were in her area, and how many cool people she was meeting. She inquired as to how things were going with the club or where I was thinking of going to school, and what I intended to study. She joked about throwing pastries out her dorm room window at the resident assistant, and making up silly imaginary infomercial products…but it all seemed so empty. When I told her that I was looking at schools across the country she seemed surprised. I told her I had no reason to stay, and nothing keeping me in the area. That was the last phone call we shared.
I saw her once more at school that year. Her sister was in the school play, and I saw her in the audience talking to a friend during intermission. We made eye contact for several seconds, but we didn’t speak. I approached her after the performance, but overheard her being asked if there was anyone else she wanted to see that night. Her reply was no, so I backed away. I didn’t sleep that night. I just sat in the darkness wishing the pain away.
I threw myself into my work, took on new projects, and tried to ignore everything I was feeling. I turned to my friends, and put my energy into helping them through their troubles. I always believed in helping others when I could, and I figured if I could see them through their tough times, maybe The Fates would find a way to help me through mine.
As summer started creeping up, and my graduation day drew near, I began the process of pushing my responsibilities onto those who would be taking my place in the club. I started taking better care of myself, and paying attention to my own hobbies. I needed some research materials for a new personal project I decided to take on so I headed to the book store that I had haunted for the past six years. After searching the shelves for the books I wanted I walked to the checkout counter and looked up from my intended purchases right into her face. She had gotten herself a job at the book store for the summer. It was the first time I’d seen her in months. It felt like a sledgehammer hitting me in the chest. But something was different. She seemed cold…flippant…almost, well, I don’t want to say mean...maybe indifferent would be the best word to use. I said I was surprised to see her, and she said that she had worked at the book store at her college, so it seemed a good fit for a summer job. Then she looked me dead in the eye and said that, now that I knew she was working in the book store she supposed that I would be hanging out there all summer, as though my presence would be a massive burden to her. I made my purchase and walked away without another word. I would not be back.
I graduated a few days later. I’d spent years in recovery trying to get my body working well enough to go back to school, four years working through school, trying to keep up with kids 3 to 7 years younger than myself, building a path forward for the life I wanted. The day I’d worked so hard for had finally come… and it meant less than nothing to me. I should have been excited, elated, jubilant. I wasn’t. It didn’t matter.
That summer was difficult. I actively avoided her at all costs. If I had to go to the mall that contained that bookstore I would look for her car, and refused to go in if she was there. One day I needed to go to the mall to return a gift someone had given me. I carefully checked the parking lot before going in, and it seemed safe, so I entered. After I finished with my business, as I was headed for the door I heard someone call out my name. I turned my head and saw her sister walking through the doorway with the guy I assumed she was dating. A moment later, following her sister, she walked into the mall hand in hand with some guy. I nodded my head in a polite greeting before quickly exiting the building. That was my final visit to the mall that summer.
A month later I was on my way across the country to start my freshman year in college. I should have been excited. I wasn’t. I was heartbroken, depressed, and lost. I hoped the distance would help me heal my battered soul, but I just didn’t feel like myself. I’d worked so hard to regain who I once was; I’d excelled in every undertaking, and now, suddenly, I was empty. I stumbled through my freshman year in college, worked part time as a bouncer at a strip club on the beach, and tried to focus on my own projects, but as the days wore on nothing felt right.
When May returned I finished my finals and made the long drive home. I’d decided that I wasn’t going back; it just wasn’t worth it. I could be depressed at home without it costing me thousands of dollars every year. And at least if I was at home I’d be near my friends, some of whom were also going through tough times. One friend was having a battle with pills. Another was having relationship issues. And one was having all kinds of money and life issues.
I knew I couldn’t fix my own life, but I was always good at helping others, so I took it upon myself to solve everyone else’s issues. I was able to get “Pill Boy” into a rehab facility, and did my best to encourage “Lovesick Lad” and his lady into a relationship. The last one was the toughest. She was a long time friend…and the widow of my best friend. He had died after rolling his Jeep shortly before I started High School. He’d been married less than a year before he died, and he left his wife two months pregnant, and would never get to meet his baby girl. The widow had to move in with her mother just to afford to live. Her mom would watch the baby during the day while the widow worked, and they’d trade off in the afternoon; widow taking the baby while her mom worked at night. But the widow simply wasn’t making enough money to give her little girl a decent life, so she took a second job. That’s where I came in. I’d get off work, drive to their house and pick up the little girl and the widow’s mom. I’d drop mom off at her job and take the baby home with me, babysitting until the widow got out of her second job as a retail worker at the mall. She was working from nine in the morning till ten at night; her only break a thirty minute drive between her two jobs. I’d watch her little one Tuesday through Saturday, and occasionally on Sunday. I’d pick her up, feed her, play with her, read to her, and take her to the mall to meet the widow when her shift was over. The only real problem I had was the fact that someone else also worked a closing shift at the mall.
I still avoided her, but would occasionally see her leaving the building while I waited for the widow to come out and retrieve the little one. That summer seemed to go on forever, but by the end of August the widow had saved up enough money to move herself, her mom, and the little one to Montana where she had been offered a job working for her dead husband’s family. Her in-laws would be able to help with the little one, and the money would be enough to give them both a better life. I encouraged her to go, and offered to help with the move. She thanked me, and took me up on the offer. I helped coordinate with her in-laws, planning her move for February, giving her about six months to pack up, sell the house and find a new place to live close to the family.
In October I decided to get an apartment with the “Lovesick Lad” so he could be near his girlfriend. I was doing my best to ensure that their budding relationship didn’t die on the vine. If I couldn’t be with the one I wanted, I needed to be sure someone could. Yes, they were obnoxious, but they seemed mostly happy, so I did what I could to keep them together.
The New Year came, as did the time for the widow to make her big move. Her mom flew to Montana with the little one, but the widow was driving a big moving truck full of their belongings to the new house. Before she left she decided to visit my apartment for a day. I gave her the tour, showed her some of the trinkets I’d found that her late husband had given me, and introduced her to my newest plaything; my new AOL account. She found the internet fascinating, sitting at my computer for hours. I sat on my bed drawing while she sat at my keyboard playing an AOL game called Slingo while we talked; except she wasn’t really playing Slingo. She was using the internet to track down “you know who”. Using my account she sent an email, hoping to force a conversation. The widow never liked her. She’d met her a couple times at the mall over the summer, tracking her down to see what she was like. Hoping to show me that “she” wasn’t worth my time or heartache, the widow decided to force me to face the situation, rather than avoiding it, as I was.
Amazingly enough, she replied to that email…and it did not go well. We traded a few emails, and eventually I was informed that I had been stalking her all summer. What? Apparently I had been stalking her every night as she was leaving work. Who knew? That accusation crushed me. I thought she knew me better than that. I was so hurt that I didn’t even want to argue…didn’t even want to defend myself, so I just told her what she wanted to hear. I just “confirmed” her suspicions and apologized for the emails, telling her I would no longer contact her, and asking her to consider me dead.
That was the hardest thing I ever had to write. I never thought I could feel that empty. I found myself in a very dark place. All the things I’d done, all those I’d helped, the pride and honor I’d built myself upon…all gone. I began to wish I hadn’t survived the crash that took my arm.
Watching “Lovesick Lad” and his girlfriend fight, make up, fight, and make up again started to enrage me. Watching them together slowly built a wall of resentment around me. Who the fuck was he? What battles did his weak ass ever fight? What blood did he shed? What pain did he endure? What did he do for The Fates to show him favor? Why was he with the one he loved while I was crushed…so far away from the life I wanted; the life I’d earned? I knew it was irrational, but I wasn’t really thinking straight; and wouldn’t be for quite a while. I no longer cared about anyone else’s feelings. I’d grown harder and colder than ever before, determined to never feel that broken again.
I moved on long before I ever let go of the pain and anguish of my interactions with her. Eventually I found someone, got married, and had a little girl of my own. Just as I had finally begun to let go of the past, two days after my thirty-third birthday, I opened up my MySpace page (yeah, I know, I’m old) and found a message from her. After almost ten years…finally believing my heart had healed from being ripped away, here I was reading a message which was dated on my birthday. The woman who had accused me of stalking her…the woman who had broken my heart, crushed my spirit, and burned my honor away, the woman I was finally able to let go of, with one simple message, pulled me back in.
Starting with “Hey, how is life treating you?” and ending with “I’d like to hear back from you if you have a chance…” kind of messed me up. The last time I’d communicated with her, she was pretty adamant that I was stalking her. Now she tracked me down and was messaging me? Who does that?
A lump in my throat, and a 1000 lb. weight in my stomach, I replied to her message, struggling to answer her in vague terms and as politely as possible. Thus began a five month back and forth message storm. It began with ultra-polite “catching-up” messages. We discussed our families, our work, and our current projects. The cloyingly sweet tone of her messages—messages sent to a guy she had accused of stalking—gave me a queasy feeling, so I broke our unspoken protocol of courteous conversation to question why she would message me ten years after accusing me of something so dark. I wanted…needed to know why she would message “her stalker” in this way.
She said she’d seen my profile on someone else’s page, that she always thought of me as “smart nice and cool” despite some of my “sometimes worrisome issues” and that she never believed that I was stalking her. Those close to her, her family and at-the-time boyfriend had tried to convince her that I was a stalker, but she never saw me as a threat. She went on and on as to how she always saw me as somewhat harmless, and never saw me as a stalker. She finally said that she actually thought that I was there in some misguided attempt to protect her because of the late hour and sketchy area. Then she finally asked the reason for my presence.
Her messages didn’t really sit right with me. I didn’t trust her motives. Her sickeningly-sweet messages were too…complementary. That wasn’t the girl I knew. I felt there was something more behind these messages. I also knew telling her the truth would be a waste of time. She had a narrative in her head, and her mind was made up as to why I was there, so I gave her the story she wanted-a gripping tale of someone out to get her from whom I was protecting her. A completely unhinged story that nobody would believe, but fit in with the narrative she had settled upon.
Just the fact that she accepted the story set off alarm bells in my brain. She’s not stupid. She’s not gullible. Clever? Crafty? Absolutely. But she also always had a bit of arrogance to her; always believing she was one step ahead of everyone else. Her replies to my messages, the tone she took, the way she answered my questions while at the same time sidestepping their clear intent was just…I don’t know…off. She was up to something. She had an angle, and I felt like I needed to know what it was.
We went on messaging back and forth for several months, remaining overly polite the whole time. We discussed the projects we were each working on, the issues we each had in our chosen paths. She invited me to see her at a local performance she was giving, though I had to decline. It was difficult enough to exchange messages with her, and I wasn’t sure how I would react to physically being in her presence. Reading her words was one thing, but seeing her, hearing her voice, feeling her presence was not something I was willing to put myself through. I’d achieved some distance, and my suspicions were keeping me on edge. I couldn’t let raw emotion affect my focus. I didn’t want to get sucked back into her orbit.
Then it happened. She cracked. She made a mistake that gave me a big piece of the puzzle I was looking for. Without going into detail, I’ll just say that, though we had discussed the projects we’d each been working on, it became clear that someone else had told her of my project first. She’d contacted me in an effort to learn more about what I was working on, which I was always very vague about. Her mistake was a comment which, in effect, assumed credit for my work. She had done that in the past; taking credit for my work, my ideas, my achievements…and I never challenged her. After ten years, after accusing me of stalking her, after breaking my heart over and over again, I could no longer allow her to assume my work as her own. When I corrected her, and denied her effort to insinuate herself into my project by pointing out her misconceptions, her messages abruptly stopped. As soon as I challenged her narrative, she became uncommunicative.
We had no contact for several more years, until someone sent me a Facebook post she had made. We had a few brief interactions, but nothing of note. I was over the whole excessively-polite banter we shared on MySpace, and picked apart anything she wrote, challenging her narrative every chance I got. I really wanted her to realize that the narrative she’d adopted wasn’t always reality. Always telling her what she wanted to hear didn’t encourage her to look more critically at the world around her, so I tried challenging her world view. Of course, in the world we live in today, my voice was drowned out by those sharing the hugbox she had constructed for herself.
I had to accept that the person she had been, the girl I loved, was gone, consumed by the twisted, backward narratives of those she chose to associate with. The chemistry between us, the connection we shared, visible to many around us, had been disregarded. I accepted that she made a choice to ignore the bond I know she felt between us. She made a choice; and she didn’t choose me. Mrs. L was finally proven wrong. Time ran out long ago, and she never came ‘round. There will always be a part of me that loves her. I’ll always wish I’d done things differently. I miss who she was, and I mourn what could have been, but I still wish her only the best in the life she has chosen, even if it is without me.
Why am I writing this? Call it therapy. Call it my need to bleed my pain upon the paper. Call it my desire to write the story down to encourage others not to make the mistakes I made. I can see the end of my story approaching. I know it’s almost over for me. I’ll succumb to my injuries and health issues sooner rather than later, and I can only wish my tale can encourage those who see their future in the eyes of another to take that step forward, to lean in, to drop the bag and embrace their destiny. Take the chance, because if you don’t, you’ll regret it till you take your final breath. As I await my final gasp I can’t help but wonder…is my vision as clear as I believe it to be? Or am I only seeing what I need to see as I cross the finish line? Sadly, I’ll never know.

Well, Skychi isn't here so I guess I'll give it a try...
1.) Shoving MTX down our throats

There will never be a time where the RuneScape community will be excited about MTX related updates. Posting them in a manner as if we are going to love it will never be received well (As learned with the Hero Pass). If you think the community is overreacting then go drop that stuff in OSRS and see how well that goes. The outcome would make the Falador massacre look like a picnic.

2.) BONUS XP EVERYWHERE

Everywhere I look I'm getting lamps, Keys, Proteans, Dummies, Stars, Etc. The only popular place in RuneScape 3 are the banks because that's where you get the fastest xp. How sad is that? Every person you see killing a dummy or skilling with a dummy is someone who would be out in the big world of RuneScape killing something, Interacting with actual content is now spending their day at a bank for FASTER XP. It's making the worlds look empty and hurting the game.

3.) DXP WEEKENDS 4x A YEAR?

I don't have to add much here. Lets simmer it down please. 2x a year was enough.

4.) NOT ENOUGH SKILLING BOSSES

OSRS has some of the coolest skilling bosses. Why can't RS3? We have better graphics, We have more skills we could turn into bosses. Cro was a huge success and loved by many, Why not continue that? A 2007 version of this game shouldn't be doing it better.

5.) WHERE ARE THE MINIGAMES?

Back in the day I remember minigames being some of the mains reasons I was playing all day. Why did we give up on them? Why haven't we done POLLS with content ideas to revive some of the ones we have? Maybe minigames would help players relax from grinding XP at BANKS to do something fun and enjoy the game again.

6.) WHERE ARE THE POLLS?!

Why can't we vote on content? Why can't we vote on what "Game Jam" project we want? If people are voting most of us aren't aware of it. I shouldn't have to join discords, Reddits, Twitter (X), Facebook, Myspace (lolol) to figure out what's going on. Add Poll booths and let the players vote. A 2007 version of this game shouldn't be doing it better.

7.) MORE FASHIONSCAPE CHOICES PLEASE

The community is not against getting more FashionScape choices. We are against HOW we have to get them. Let us earn them. Add another currency similar too Loyalty Points but instead of membership based let it be playtime based. Hourly, Daily, Etc. That we can purchase cosmetics by playing the game, This will help everyone not look the same. Do NOT turn this into an MTX thing or this whole idea will be ruined.

8.) MOBILE NEEDS UPDATES

I personally play only on Desktop but I meet a TON of players who play on mobile. I asked them what issues they have an have been told Crashing seems pretty common on mobile. I was told occasional freezing on mobile. Mobile also needs love as a lot of people play on it! don't forget about our mobile players!

9.) Climbing enrages

This feels like a mechanic meant to waste your time. We want normal easy to understand drop rates back like OSRS has. The enrage climbing increments feel so tiny and it doesn't feel fun at all. I feel like when I'm killing Arch Glacor for reaper If I'm not at 50+ streak I'm wasting my time. This is an annoying grind that is not fun. I feel like I'm gambling.

10.) ABILITY UI, BUFFS & DEBUFFS UI IS CLUNKY

I feel like when I have a ton of buffs and debuffs active it takes up a huge chunk of my screen. The ability bars, Buffs & Debuffs looks clunky and confusing. I feel like If I was a new player I would be very overwhelmed. I feel like my screens looks more and more like WoW.

11.) BETTER COMBAT & ABILITY TUTORIALS

I feel like unless you're The RS Guy understanding what abilities to use. When to use them or How to use them is something that will take you years to understand. It also feels like a chore.

12.) COMBAT/SKILLING ACHIEVEMENTS

I've asked a ton of people about "Things wrong with RuneScape" and this one was mentioned a ton of times. Players love achievements. They love chasing goals. I think OSRS has done this very well (Seems to be a common theme). Maybe add more in-game rewards for completing a tier system of achievements. A cool cape with useful perks? A cool reward to add to our houses? (MAKE POH'S GREAT AGAIN!). A new tool, Outfit An Attachment to weapons? Gear?, The ideas are endless. You could even add a new pet tied to these achievements. Help us create goals!

13.) QUEST

I personally love quest. (It was my first ever 99 style cape) We need harder, more memorable quest. Bring Grandmaster Quest back. Some of my best memories from years ago are when I completed "Mourning's End Part II". This quest literally took me TWO week's back in the day. I remember the first time I ever completed "One Small Favour" and hated whomever named it "One Small Favour". The correct name would of been "100 Small Favours". I still enjoyed it for the memories it left me.

"While Guthix Sleeps" is another amazing quest. It released a fairly tough new mob but with amazing rewards. "Rocking Out" was another really fun quest. I remember the first time I fought "Nomad" in "Nomad's Requiem" and he beat the living Guthix (RIP Guthix) out of me.
"Monkey Madness", "Recipe For Disaster", "Fairy Tale I,II,III", "Dragon Slayer", "The Fremennik Isles & Trials" all of these plus many more have changed the game as we know it. The Myreque quest series had the coolest looking areas to me back in the day. I love the vampire theme quest (I know most people didn't lmao).
14.) Customer Service

This has been an issue since day 1 of RuneScape. How this hasn't gotten better is unacceptable. Customer Service only exist to Big streamers/Youtubers & everyone knows it. Jagex needs to be more transparent. More open with its players. (This is also an issue in OSRS) which means this is a company wide issue and not a specific game issue.

15.) More Q&A's

I could add this to a few above but I think it deserves it's own spot. Players know what's wrong with RuneScape. Players have fantastic ideas about what they want and some of them have even taken the liberty to sort of create examples of it (I.E The RS Guy making an combat achievement system idea). I've been in the Q&A's before and the ideas players pitched were amazing for the most part. Some quality of life updates, New ideas. ETC. This brings back the needing Polls issue that OSRS uses that seems to be doing very well.

**MORE FEEDBACK!

Please post anything else you feel is wrong with RuneScape below. Let's help shine a light on things we want improved on. This thread was created to create discussion in the community to help better our game that we all love and enjoy. Remember to be kind.

**THANK YOU >Developers, Artist, Writers, ALL who work at Jagex*.* We thank you for your continued hard word, Dedication, Your endless talent spent on a game we all love and enjoy. Thank you to all the Streamers/Youtubers who continue to shine light on this game (Both versions) helping it grow and helping shine lights on issue players have.
**FROM Ezle >Depending how well this does (or doesn't do) we could potentially create a part II of "Things wrong with RuneScape". I asked clanmates, People in W2, W84, Wars Retreat, Banks, Etc. That's how this list was created.
P.S: I apologize for any spelling errors, Incorrect punctuation, Run on sentences as I'm writing this while grinding Trimmed Comp reqs and have half lost my mind XD