Texts to your boyfriend

about 3 weeks ago, i [20f] was dumped by my boyfriend [21m] and all i can do is blame myself for what it's become. i took it so hard. a larger part of me thinks that if i had just waited a week or 2, we would have eventually gotten back together. but i was honestly just so shocked and hurt that i allowed it to consume me in the worst ways in the wake of it all. we hooked up twice after the breakup, making it even harder for me. i texted him nearly every day until about 2 days ago because for a moment, it'd feel like things were back to normal. he texted back and answered all of my phone calls on the first ring, making me feel like he missed me too. it didnt even really occur to me that i was the only one reaching out and he was probably just being nice.
the initial surprise of the breakup stressed me out to the point that i have been throwing up every morning since the weekend it happened and am now on medication to manage it. when i wake up and eventually end up leaning over the toilet, i find myself just crying. i've lost nearly 20 pounds in this short time and i feel weak, it feels like i'm losing both mentally and physically. some days i wake up indifferent and others i just want him lying next to me again.
a few days ago i called him angry, seething, saying horrible things and just letting it all out on him. i felt so guilty afterwards and when we argued again the next day, it ended in us both screaming it out and saying the worst things to each other. he didn't deserve that either. our relationship didn't deserve that. he is now blocked on everything and he did the same to me. i don't think there's any hope of reconciliation given that he never wants to talk again. it was my first relationship and i noticed early on that it was bringing a lot of things out of me that i had never really had to deal with head-on, like a sudden constant fear of abandonment or major anxiety when he would pull away.
i don't know what it is i'm looking for from this, maybe just a release of guilt and emotion, someone to tell me that i'll live. i miss him a lot and it sucks that you do the breakup part on your own :/

This may be a gross one, so warning for themes of cat poop. So I (20F) moved into an apartment with a roommate (19F) that I met off a roommate search website for our college. I brought my cat with me, and I got along with the girl pretty well, she’s just a bit of an entitled rich girl - her dad pays her rent and I had to teach her how to use a mop. I do most of the cleaning because she ignores the cleaning schedule. Whatever, I put up with it because she’s nice and I’m a bit of a people pleaser. My cat was never an issue, I always keep his litter box clean and she loves him.
One day, my roommate and I decided to visit the animal shelter that I volunteer at from time to time. We go and she starts freaking out over these two kittens. I’ll admit they were cute, but I made it clear that they would be her responsibility and I wouldn’t be taking care of them because I didn’t want to adopt anymore pets. But I figured she’s an adult and our apartment is big enough. We bring them home and everything is just peachy.
Within a couple weeks, the apartment STINKS. I realized she hasn’t been cleaning her cats’ litter box. I was upset but I cleaned it because I couldn’t stand the smell anymore and text her about it. She apologizes, says she’s just been busy and will fix it. Time goes on and it keeps stinking, I keep cleaning it because I can’t stand it, keep texting her, nothing changes. I start spending more time at my boyfriend’s apartment because the smell is so bad. I’ve come home before to find POOP on the floor because even the kittens can’t stand their biohazard litter box. I talk to her and she just argues with me saying “my schedule is so much busier than yours, it takes priority, I just don’t have time to clean it.” I feel bad for the kittens, so I suggest she takes them back to the shelter since she doesn’t have time for them but she won’t. Now it’s gotten to the point where they poop on the floor and she pretends like she doesn’t see it because she knows I’ll come home and have to clean it up because I’m not the kind of person that would leave poop on the floor.
Well tonight I came home to a pile of steaming hot shit on the floor and just stepped right over it and told her I’m done cleaning up after her cats and I wasn’t doing it anymore. I told her it’s disgusting and disrespectful to leave cat shit on the floor all day and that she was gross. She starts crying and tells me she’s just been so stressed and busy with summer classes and that it was just “inconvenient” for her to clean the litter box and that she just figured it wasn’t that bad for me to clean it because I’m not as busy. I feel bad because her parents obviously failed her and she never had to clean up after herself before. I feel disgusting right now because the poop is still marinating on the floor but I am NOT going to clean it up. So AITA because I refused to clean it up and made her cry?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Other_Salt3889
My wife is addicted to the gym and it’s ruining our marriage
Originally posted to TrueOffMyChest & survivinginfidelity
BoRU 1
BoRU 2
TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, physical violence, anger management issues, emotional manipulation
Original Post Feb 1, 2024
My wife is 30 years old and she’s always worked out and been in shape, but lately I feel like it’s becoming excessive.
She used to regularly work out at a gym when she was in college. At some point she stopped going to the gym, I think lately just due to her schedule, and preferred to work out at home or go for runs outside.
About 18 months ago she announced she was going to get back into the habit of going to the gym. She now had a job where she’s able to make more time for it. It started off normal, but slowly became more and more frequent. She signed up for classes on the weekend (both days), she started going to the gym every day, then it became the morning before work and then again later in the evening. Every single day. If she’s stressed, she goes to the gym. Experience some sort of life crisis. She immediately heads to the gym. We have an argument - runs to the gym.
She’s 4 months pregnant right now. I’m kind of surprised we even had time to make a kid. I understand that it’s safe for her to work out, especially since she was already in the habit of doing it before she got pregnant, but the intensity is not slowing down.
If she misses one of her normal gym session she becomes so irritable, like a junkie not getting her fix. It’s just bizarre. Truly a case of too much of a good thing.
Of course she gets upset when I voice that I feel it’s becoming an unhealthy obsession and that I miss spending time with her because she’s there so much. She has all of these friends and this whole circle of people there that she seems to prefer spending time with over me. Why don’t we work out together at the gym? The gym is her time, she says. This isn’t a case of me feeling insecure because she’s in great physical shape and I’m a fat slob. I work out and am in shape - my job really requires me to stay in shape so I can’t let myself go if I want to.
I genuinely feel her gym habits are unhealthy. She’s over exercising, for one. There is such a thing. But worse than that, I feel it’s becoming a way for her to escape everything else in her life. She never actually fixed anything that goes wrong in her life. She just runs off to the gym to get some sort of mood boost and then that’s it. She also never gets anything else done in a practical sense because how can she when she’s at the gym so often? It’s to the point where I have to do every chore and if food is getting made I’m going to have to do it. I don’t expect her to do all of those things, but it should at least be a shared effort.
People we know have even commented about it to me. They’ve said things about how she seems different, how she “sure is at the gym a lot,” and many of her friends and family barely see her anymore. Some have even suggested she’s having an affair with somebody there.
Please tell me that this doesn’t sound normal to you. She insists this is perfectly normal.
Update Feb 11, 2024
I posted not very long ago about my wife’s addiction to the gym. A compulsion, if you will. She spends most of her free time there. She often goes twice a day, and sometimes even 3 times if we have a fight at night and she needs to run off instead of actually talking to me.
She won’t let me go to her gym and she refuses to go to mine. Her gym is her place, my gym is my place, and that’s just the way it has to be according to her. I’d love to have her come along with me. I’ve invited her multiple times.
She’s about 18 weeks pregnant right now. This is our first baby. She worked out like crazy prior to the pregnancy and she continues to just as hard now.
I truly didn’t think she was cheating on me. People suggested it in the last thread and I laughed. You can tell she’s at the gym a lot, she’s in great shape. So she’s obviously going there. I felt really confident about the cheating issue and when I posted 9 days ago I wasn’t even considering cheating.
I’m embarrassed to admit that after reading a lot of the comments on my last post, I thought maybe I was being overly confident about her fidelity. She usually always has her phone on her, but she left it in the kitchen counter and as stupid as I felt, I decided to do a quick swipe through her texts. She had a current text conversation going on with a guy. I recognized the name. The same name of a guy from the gym she mentions a lot. She’s friends with a lot of people there, went to one of their weddings last fall. I wasn’t too terribly concerned until I started reading the texts. Never wanted to know what the guy’s dick looked like, but I know now.
She was only out of the room for literally about a minute or two, so I had to scroll fast. I was furious. I asked her what the fuck that conversation was about. She started yelling at me for looking at her phone. I told her she’s acting so weird and the gym obsession was really bothering me so I just decided to look, and was ashamed that I did, but that’s I thought I’d find nothing all. She said “it’s nothing! It’s nothing!” Didn’t look like nothing to me. She sure seemed pretty interested in this “nothing.” I wanted to know if she’s been fucking him. For how long? She kept saying no. I left the house because I was so furious, but not before I slammed her phone on the ground and shattered it. She was calling me all sorts of names for breaking her phone. She hit me on the back as hard as she could. I left. Went to my brother’s house. My brother and sister in law were shocked, although my sister in law was one of the most vocal ones about my wife’s gym obsession being weird and bringing it up to me constantly.
I went home. She was in bed crying. She obviously couldn’t call me or anyone else for that matter. She was laying it on thick, “I don’t know if you’d ever come home.” Give me a break.
I took her phone to get repaired tonight. She doesn’t deserve it but I still feel like an ass breaking her phone.
I still don’t know how deep it goes. She won’t admit to anything beyond what I saw. Was it sexting (bad enough) or more? I’m convinced it was a lot more, but she refuses to hand over her phone and is now trying to act like I’m this terrible monster who is abusing her because I broke her phone. Not my proudest moment, but I honestly wanted to body slam her after she punched me. I have never and would never actually touch her like that.
Update 2 - My wife admitted to an affair Feb 12, 2024
Not sure if posting something in my profile will be seen by anyone, but I don’t feel like making another update in a subreddit.
Today my wife asked me to stay home from work so we could “talk.” She laid in bed all day yesterday trying to get me to feel sorry for her, but I paid absolutely no attention to her and ended up leaving the house to go to my family’s Super Bowl party. I wasn’t in the mood to go but I wasn’t going to sit at home with her. It really bothered her that I left. She kept texting me things like “Who just leaves like that? When something like this is happening, who is that cold and callous that they just leave to go to a party.”
I stayed home today to talk to her. She was full of tears, she’s “so sorry.”
According to her, she really was going to the gym twice a day because she likes going there, that’s where her friends are, makes her feel good, it’s “fun” for her. She met this guy there and he started flirting with her. Everyone likes him. He’s one of the most popular guys there. I didn’t realize there were popular people at gyms.
She admitted that she flirted back but didn’t mean anything by it. She didn’t reciprocate very much at first, but he gave her “butterflies” and she just found herself flirting back without thinking. She said it felt like when she had a crush on somebody when she was in school when she was younger. They started texting. At first it was just friendly and nothing sexual for several months, but she’d feel giddy every time she got a message from him. She was really attracted to him, but told him that she was married and there could never actually be anything between them.
According to her, he kept flirting with her anyway and said “sure, we won’t cross the line.” Until they did cross the line. She said she had tried to resist it for a while, but then one day they kissed. She admitted to enjoying it but also feeling that it was wrong. She must not have felt that bad because she slept with him for the first time later that night.
She described it like falling in love with somebody for the first time. All she could think about what him. Is she in love with him? She doesn’t know.
Is this baby mine? She thinks so but there’s always a small chance it could be his. He always uses a condom so she doesn’t think it’s his baby but they were sleeping together at the time she got pregnant.
She loves me. She can’t help that there’s just this huge spark between the two of them.
She doesn’t know if she loves him. She doesn’t know if the baby is mine. She doesn’t know why she did this. She doesn’t know what she thinks we should do.
The nail in the coffin is when she said “You would really leave me if it’s not your baby would you?” She had the balls to ask me that. I told her of course I’m leaving her and I wouldn’t raise another man’s child. She seemed shocked. She said “really? With everything we have and all our history, you wouldn’t even consider it?” She can’t be serious. I told her no I would never consider it.
She agreed to get a DNA test. She tearfully agreed, like I’m supposed to feel sorry for her about it?
I don’t know who this woman is. She was crying the whole time, but not tears of an ashamed or sorry person. They were tears for herself and meant to try to make me feel bad. Feel bad for what? That her heart is apparently so torn?
RELEVANT COMMENTS/ADDITIONAL INFO
OOP

She’s ruined my life, but I just feel numb right now. I barely feel anything at the moment.
It would have been bad enough for her to have an affair and cheat on me. But she couldn’t have stopped when she found out she was pregnant? At least I could have walked away if it wasn’t for this pregnancy. Maybe a still can, but I won’t know for sure until I get some test results. She’s almost positive the baby is mine. Im stuck dealing with her forever then. My child will grow up with divorced parents. Their mom will be the gym bike. Maybe she’ll even take off to live near her family and take my kid with her. Oh but then she couldn’t be near the guy who gives her butterflies and fucks her in gym changing rooms. The thrill, the excitement, how can I even blame her?
She’s ruined fatherhood for me, whether this is my kid or not. If by some chance this isn’t my baby and I’m able to completely break free, how will I not think of this one day when I start a family? I was so fucking happy to have this baby with her. I was really excited, even though we hadn’t planned for it right now. We have names picked out. I’ve been there for everything and now she does this to me. Not only me, but this poor kid regardless of who their father is.

~
OOP

She’s saying “I’ll never go back to the gym again. I’ll never talk to him again.” But she can’t say whether she’s in love with him or not? What kind of idiot does she think I am?

TTIsurvivors

She still thinks there is hope to save your relationship? Jesus Christ.

OOP

Yeah, I believe she still thinks there’s a chance I’ll agree to raise another man’s child with her. She doesn’t take me seriously when I say there’s no way I’d do that. She is dependent on me. She probably wouldn’t leave me if I knocked somebody else up and wanted her to play mommy. I know that sounds terrible and it’s nothing I’d ever do but I feel like she’d be mad and she’d go screw somebody else to get back at me but she probably would be too scared to actually leave me. I don’t feel the same way about leaving her. I’m sad to leave her. I don’t want this to be our reality. I can’t even say that I completely hate her yet. But I won’t raise another man’s child. If she feels so strongly about that guy and he’s so wonderful, go get together with him then and leave everyone else alone.

~

She was practically on her knees yesterday saying “I won’t go back to the gym. I won’t ever contact him again.” I feel like that doesn’t really mesh with the fact that she doesn’t even know if she’s in love with him or not. She obviously still has very strong feelings for him, which are probably coming more from between her legs than her actual heart but doesn’t really matter either way to me.
I think despite anything to do with him, she’s dependent on me in a way. For stability, maybe. Just out of comfort, maybe. We’ve been together since she was 20 years old, so I’m just this familiar person I guess. She has her gym friends out here but other than that she has no family or friends out here. She makes pretty good money, but I make more and all of our benefits are through me. Even with her good salary, it would be difficult to survive on her own as a single mom here with all of the daily living expenses, or at least live anywhere near the level she wants to live at.

~

Today is the day she was crying all night about how she’s ruined her life. She seemed genuine, like reality is hitting her, but I didn’t pay any attention to her at all. I just pretended she wasn’t there.
I did ask her if she’ll get blood drawn for a paternity test. I asked her to please not hurt me further by keeping me in limbo about that for months. She said she doesn’t want to.

OOP on if he got a lawyer and if he ever met the AP

I’m meeting with a lawyer next week and will see what they advise.
How can she parade me around when I’ve never been allowed to go to her gym? I’ve met two of the people, a slightly older married couple.
Yes, I met the AP. Last summer he called her because he was drunk at a bar and couldn’t drive home, so he called her to come get him. I didn’t think it was a good idea for her to go pick somebody up late at night, so I went with her.
I want her out of the house but I don’t necessarily want her to fly back home to where she’s from just yet. If this is my kid and she gives birth out here I’ll be in a much better position. If she leaves and goes home to her parents, she could very well be allowed to stay there and that would be considered the baby’s place of residence.
She missed a few days of work, but she has gone to work since all of this happened. She was having a meltdown this morning and I left for work. She told me had to go in late today and when she got there everybody was making her food and tea and stuff. She obviously didn’t tell them what really happened.

How long the affair was happening

She claims they’ve been sleeping together since the summer. Thats just what she claims, of course.

My wife is moving in with her AP, they’re “in love” Feb 22, 2024
My life has been reduced to a trashy daytime talk show.
The woman who was once my wife, who I considered a classy woman, has turned into complete trailer trash.
Today she announced that she’s moving in with her affair partner from the gym. She’s pregnant, might be his kid, might be mine. She’s too embarrassed to go get blood drawn for a paternity test.
She spent about a week trying to get my attention, to get me to talk to her, to get me to beg her to be mine. I didn’t fall for any of it. I’ve largely been ignoring her and when we have to speak I keep it very brief. We’ve been living together this whole time, but I’m in a different room now and functioning separate from her in all ways.
So, her pouting and trying to get me to pay attention to her and give her a gold star for not going to the gym for 5 days in a row didn’t work. Today she texted me to say she is moving in with him.
Somehow I still care about this person. I’ve already met with a lawyer though. I can care about her as a human being and possible mother of my child without being married to her. Still, it stung to hear her say she was going to be with him. I told her it wasn’t a smart move to leave the house. I’ve even told her she should probably meet with a lawyer. She doesn’t care about anything I have to say. I don’t think she needs to move in with anybody. I actually feel bad for her that she can’t just be on her own.
I asked her if he actually knew she was pregnant and wanted to know what story she’s been telling him this whole time. She said he knows and he doesn’t care if it’s my baby, he loves her and wants to be with her. Bizarre. You can’t find anyone else? Somebody who isn’t a married, pregnant woman? Why would you take that on? Doesn’t make sense to me. He’s scum but he’s good looking scum who apparently is gainfully employed and owns his own home, so you can’t tell me that my married, pregnant wife is your only option here. I just can’t imagine being a single guy like that and wanting to put up with this baggage when I could have other options.
And if this really is my baby then what? They’ll live with my wife and this weasel 50% of the time?
I don’t know how my life turned into this mess. And she thinks it’s embarrassing to have to go get blood drawn?!?!
My wife has agreed to a paternity test Feb 29, 2024
My wife moved in with her AP last weekend. She didn’t take very much at all. Most of her stuff is still in our house. I still get the feeling she was just waiting for me to beg her to come home, but I didn’t reach out to her at all after she left.
It was a strange mixture of relief, anger, and sadness. I don’t think I ate at all until last night. Just never felt hungry. Drank a little too much. But I’m fine.
I’m posting this update because I’ve received a ton of messages from people and honestly it’s emotionally draining to respond to each one and to have to type the same stuff out. I just don’t feel like talking about her that much.
So this morning she texted me to say her AP wants to get a DNA test done, so she’s going to do it. Look at that, didn’t matter when I wanted one but now that he has requested it she suddenly thinks it’s a great idea. She asked if I wanted to submit a sample because it’ll be cheaper to have 2 dads tested as part of one package. I don’t even care about the cost at this point, I just want an answer.
I don’t have to see or interact with them at all. I just have to make my own appointment with the lab to get my cheek swabbed. So this Saturday I’m going to do that and we should have the results within a week.
I’ll take what I can get at this point because it’s better than her dragging this out for another 20 weeks.
So that’s it. I’m fine. I’m going to work every day. Trying to function. Just feel stuck in limbo. I miss her. Honestly, I hate that she’s there with him. It makes me sick. Part of me does want to beg her to come home. It’ll be even worse if I find out that it’s my baby and she’s there with him. Unless he drops her at that news. I won’t let myself beg her. I won’t play any of those games with her.
RELEVANT COMMENTS/UPDATES
March 8, 2024
TTIsurvivors

Have you gotten the paternity test results?

OOP

At 11:00 this morning I got the news that I’m the father. I feel incredibly conflicted right now.

jacobe_bryant8

Is she asking to come back home? Or is she still planning on staying with the other guy? Regardless this is a rough situation I’m sorry for you bro.

OOP

We haven’t talked.

jacobe_bryant8

Understandable but I think that you should try and set up a meeting with her somewhere public to discuss the pregnancy and the future in general with her. Whether or not your marriage is going to end the kid is still going to be a big part of your lives so it would be best to see where both of you stand in that regard. Also I recall you saying earlier that you think that your wife would listen to what her affair partner would say to her (or something similar to that) so now that it’s not his kid I would be concerned about him pressuring her into getting a abortion. So I think you really should talk to your wife about your unborn child and whatnot.

OOP

We definitely need to talk, but I got the news in the middle of a work day so I wasn’t in the mood to have a full blown conversation with her. I think I need to sort of wrap my head around the reality of it all before I say too much to her anyway.

And update on my wife’s affair and pregnancy March 15, 2024
My wife has been having an affair with a guy she met at the gym for at least nearly a year. She’s around 22 weeks pregnant right now. She was somewhere around 17 weeks when I discovered she was cheating. She maintained that she was positive I was the father, but then refused to get a paternity test done to ease my mind.
We recently had a paternity test done (at the request of her affair partner) and it proves the baby is mine. It’s been very mixed emotions for me, very up and down. Originally I thought I just wanted to be completely done with her and not have any lifelong ties in the form of a full blown human being we shared, but I was sort of happy or relieved when I got the results. I’d already had it in my mind that I was going to be a father for months before I found out she was cheating. Sometimes I just have moments where I can’t believe this is my life, that this is the situation that my kid will be born into and I hate her for it.
She’s still living with him. All of her belongings are still here in our house. I refuse to do the work of packing everything up for her. She doesn’t seem concerned about taking any her things, beyond the essentials.
After we got the news that I’m the baby’s father, she texted me to say she’s glad I’m the father and that she knows I’ll be a great dad. She was texting me new baby name ideas last night. She’s tried calling but I ignore the calls. I only speak with her via text. This morning she asked if she could come by and get a few things. I told her it was fine, as I’ve been advised by my lawyer to not prevent her entry from the home, but I told her that he better not be with her.
So who shows up with her? The scumbag boyfriend. He walks right on into the house behind her like it’s no big deal. She ran upstairs to get the stuff she wanted and he and I were just left standing there in the living room. He told me it wasn’t her fault that he was there. She told him I didn’t want come but he forced his way along. He wanted to talk to me, supposedly, to tell me he “understand how I must be feeling.” No, you don’t know. He told me he knows I probably don’t believe him, but he genuinely loves her and knew he probably wasn’t the father. He accepts it and then tried to assure me he won’t try to take my place with the baby and hopes we can just get along since we’re both going to be in her life now. He “promises” that she’s fine, he’s looking after her. I told him that I couldn’t for the life of me imagine what he wanted with a pregnant woman who is having another man’s child, that I found it weird. Then I told him if he didn’t get out of my house I’d punch him. I went upstairs and she was trying to find somebody things in the bathroom. I got mad, asked her why she brought him along, and told her I find it really strange that he still wants to be with her now that he knows he has nothing to do with this baby - and that I refuse to let him have anything to do with my child. She said he talked her into coming and she’s sorry and never meant for any of this to happen but she’s in love with him now. He is supposedly what 30 year old her is looking for, not me. She’s setting up a nursery in his house and I can set one up at my house and she has no intention of trying to get full custody or anything like that. She doesn’t want to keep me from being involved in my child’s life. How generous of her.
She went back downstairs and I followed her and he was still standing there in the living room and I just walked up to him and punched him. He stumped back and fall into a table. She yelled “What the fuck?!” and ran over to him. I don’t even care at this point. As if he’s going to call the cops? He deserved it and it wouldn’t have happened had he just left like I told him to.
Several hours later she texted me to say she was sorry about today. He really meant what he said and he’s actually a good guy and he cares about her and he respect me. Wtf? He respects me?! He was screwing my wife in the gym locker room! I was like you can’t be serious. She said “Fine! I’m trying to have a mature conversation about this. I can’t help that we fell in love. Believe it or not, I’m not trying to hurt you and I want everything to be amicable.”
This guy stole my wife and he’s stealing my kid too. Sure I’m the actual father but now they’re setting up a nursery together in his house? I’ve tried to not feel jealous or sad. I’ve tried to maintain the thought that he’s the trash man who picked up my garbage. Sometimes I feel that way, but the truth is that I loved her, and still love her. I don’t want to stay married to her on principle alone, but this is devastating to me.
Another installment of the implosion which is my marriage Apr 10, 2024
My wife? is basically 26 weeks pregnant now.
There actually hasn’t been much drama with her and her AP. I was away for a long weekend last week and it was nice to just get away from home for a while.
Only really annoying thing that’s happened is that I told her I’m being in the delivery room, not him. After everything she’s done, she owes me that. It’s not his baby. He has no right or reason to be there. I will not be the one waiting outside when my kid is being born.
She said yeah she agreed and she never planned to have him in there with her. I asked her if she’d told him that and she said no. I told her to tell him he’ll have no part in it. Well she told him and apparently he didn’t like that and he started trying to convince her why he should be there. Next thing I know she’s telling me that he really wants to be there and she’s the one giving birth so she should be able to say who she wants there and she wants him there. I suppose he’ll start making name suggestions soon and will try to overrule names we’ve had picked out for our future kids for years.
We’ve talked a little bit and she told me I can have our house and the dog in our divorce. I’m requesting that we sell the house and split the profit. I already that written in the paperwork. I’m not buying her out of our house - a house that I’ve made all the payments on anyway. I have a much better credit score than her and less debt. I compromised a lot because she liked this house. I’d rather be able to get my own place based just on what I want and with no reminders of her. And there was already no way she was getting the dog. I already had proof that I “owned” him though so she wouldn’t really stand a chance of having a court award the dog to her. It’s the one thing I told my lawyer I wanted above everything else (not including any custody issues surrounding my actual human child). Honestly, her AP can have her, but he will never ever have my dog. Not to mention my dog is 100 times more loyal than my wife and some might even say better looking too.
So with the idea I won’t be living here in this house for much longer after the baby is born (if everything moves quickly), I decided I will still prepare a nursery here anyway in case anyone wants to try to accuse me of not being invested/prepared for fatherhood. I’m trying to look at the positives. It doesn’t matter what colors she likes or what themes. I can do whatever I want. Honestly, we’ve been together for so long and have lived together for most of our adult lives. It sort of nice not living with somebody but sort of lonely too. I have friends and family, but it’s hard to feel in the mood to go out or hang out with people too often. They always ask me about everything that’s going on and it’s just like I’m tired of that being the topic of conversation.
I got a promotion at work, which financially would have been better had it happened after the divorce, but I’ll take what I can get.
I feel like I’m living in this limbo right now and a lot of what I do is always framed around “how will this affect me in the divorce?”
Admittedly I spy on them on social media sometimes. Guess I’m hoping to see he’s been in a motorcycle accident or something now that the weather is nicer. Hasn’t happened yet, but he’s starting a new company and once that’s up and running I can always get all my friends and family to leave 1 star reviews everywhere. Have to find ways to have a little fun.
Sorry that I don’t respond to a lot of messages or comments. Sometimes I just take big breaks from looking at Reddit since it can be depressing af.
Editing to add something I forgot. She told her family that we’ve split up and that she’s with this other guy now. Her sister reached out to me to say how sorry she was, her sister is a dumbass, that sort of thing. She told me that my wife was complaining about her AP. She the sex is over when he’s done and apparently he’s really selfish with sex. He doesn’t do extra little things for her that she’s used to me doing, like clearing the snow off her car in the morning and heating it up or offering to make her food after a long day. He doesn’t speak her “love language” and he hangs out with his friends too much. This made me so happy to hear. She’s secretly miserable and I find that absolutely delightful.

NEW UPDATE

I’m still alive May 19, 2024
I’m still alive. I’m mainly posting here because several people have reached out to me and were concerned that I’d taken my own life. No, I’m not on the brink of ending my life. I think I’m doing better than I have since all of this started.
Around the time of my last post, my story blew up and I was getting messages from people who saw it on TikTok and YouTube. I had to take a step back because it was a little overwhelming. I have over 100 unread messages here. I appreciate it but it was a little uncomfortable at the time, and I got to the point where I didn’t really want to talk about the situation with my wife and her AP anymore.
So as of today, our baby is due in less than 10 weeks. We’re in the home stretch now. I don’t feel prepared at all. All of this other stuff has just been so distracting.
I started working on a nursery. It’s not done yet, but I have the floor finished and the walls painted. My ex-wife was impressed with the color scheme and furniture I chose. She’s not legally my ex-wife yet but I’ve started calling her that. It sort of makes it easier.
I also packed up a bunch of her stuff. Originally I refused to spend my time packing up her things, but eventually just said screw it and started packing it. I’m at the point where it’ll just be easier to not see all of her stuff around here. Why did I leave it for so long?
She came over to get some of the boxes I packed up. She came alone. Things were fine between us. I loaded the stuff into her car. We didn’t argue. At one point she started to tear up and said she fucked up. I said yeah she did, but there’s no point talking about it now. She shit all over our marriage. She has her muscle bound asshole to go home to now anyway so who cares. She said “I know, but it’s not the same.” I told her nothing has been the same since she decided to fuck him the first time.
Supposedly he’s going to “let” me be in the delivery room when my baby is born. I didn’t even argue it when she said it like that, but inside I was boiling at the idea of him letting me be there for the birth of my child. She says she talked to him and he agreed it wouldn’t really be right to not allow me to be there. I’m going to take what I can get if it means being there for the birth of my child. I’m going to try to just ignore him for the time being. She was acting all sweet and laying on all of the “I really want you there. I really need you there” stuff and I know mentally I’m not in a place to be that cold to her when she starts acting that way. I’m trying to be indifferent more than anything else but it’s so hard when she’s actually around and starts looking at me a certain way and making me feel bad. She invited me over to see the nursery they have set up at his house. I’m not sure I can bring myself to go into another man’s house and look at the nursery set up for my kid.
I did ask her if she was truly safe there though. I don’t know why, it’s just been bothering me. As pissed as I still am, I don’t want to find out he’s mistreating her and I definitely don’t want my kid to be going into an unsafe household. I haven’t told her about anything her sister has told me. They probably won’t last but as of right now there’s a very good chance my newborn baby will be going home to his house. It kills me to think about. It’s almost soul destroying to think about if I dwell on it too long.
She says she’s fine. He genuinely loves her. He’s great with kids. He accepts that she’s having a baby and that this is part of the package. She insists it’s not weird because she wasn’t pregnant when anything started between them.
I asked her why she did it…why did she ever let anything start between them in the first place. She said “I don’t know.” Then went into “I don’t want to talk about this” mode and left pretty soon after. Typical behavior from her - just run away.
Overall I’m doing ok. I’m not sitting here depressed and drinking a bottle of scotch every night anymore. I mean on occasion, but for the most part no. I feel more used to my new normal now, and that’ll all change yet again pretty soon.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Ok I wasn’t sure where to put this. My ex bsf (up until this past year) we can call June. June and I used to be super close. We were the best friends of our school. Teachers would ask where the other one was, kids would be concerned if we weren’t together etc. I would even drop everything to help her. Once we were in the middle of a ceremony and her dad had a medical emergency, I dropped everything, leaving the ceremony before getting my awards and went to the hospital with her. I was with her until early the next day and comforted her all night. June is the kind of person who is spontaneous, I am a busy person and like to have a schedule. We were the closest last year and I’m so torn on this. At the beginning of the 23-24 school year I started dating this boy, we can call him K, and June didn’t mind. But after our first date I didn’t really talk about it, we just kind of hung out, and I don’t like talking about personal relationship and events with others. She started to become rude towards him, calling him names and even going so far as to call him “an event” (since apparently I update her on events). She would make fun of his hair and be really rude. One time she even got mad at me for going to watch a new movie with him (that he also had been waiting for years to watch) rather than going with her (she hadn’t seen the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd). I told her to stop many times but she never did. But we had no classes together this year and she would tell me these things in the hall when I would meet up with her. Slowly I stopped meeting up with her. She started talking about this girl “Pat” a lot too. Pat became all she talked about. She wouldn’t walk home with me, she ditched our few hang outs we planned, she even would come up to me telling me about their plans before going off with her. I knew I was being replaced with Pat but I tried to ignore it, hoping it wasn’t true. I didn’t tell anyone about this, not even my parents, because I didn’t want to add drama to her life. As I didn’t show up in the hall as as often our other friend “Tom” kept coming up to me saying “I’m gonna fix your friendship… you need to try harder…”. A lot of times when he did this I found it hard to not explode saying how she was the one who replaced me. And everytime he did that I would feel bad again. I know I had distanced myself but during that distancing time she had already been becoming closer to Pat. Sometimes I didn’t want to believe it. Once we had combined lunch and I saw her. She wasn’t sitting with our group of friends but rather with Pat and her friends. From my group I found out she had left their table a while ago and started ignoring them. At recess I tried to hang out with her but when I tried talking to her I got interrupted, ignored, and disregarded. This is when I started to accept she had replaced me. This happened a couple more times in different scenarios, everytime I chalked it up to my mind being over dramatic. But then I invited her and a couple other friends over for an almost end of year party and she spent the whole time telling stories about Pat, being unfair to her old friends, and being rude to my boyfriend. When I told her to stop she got mad at me, she then called Pat and made plans with her in front of us all. In the last day of school she took our idea (cowboy hats to sign) from last year and did it with Pat, and made plans with all her new friends to hang out after. I saw all the posts on instagram over the next couple days. I honestly felt so hurt she didn’t even invite me as I was friends with most of those girls as well. I think it was also me fully realizing she replaced me. Ever since I have been so conflicted on what to do. I really want to text or call and ask why she replaced me but I don’t know if I’m being over dramatic when saying I was replaced. I just hate how fast she threw away our friendship. Would I be the A hole to text and ask? Or do I let it go?

Me and my “situationship” of 7.5 years finally called it quits at the beginning of March, for like the millionth time, and this time it just felt so different? So real? I’ll admit that I was heart broken because I always, foolishly, held onto hope that we would end up in a relationship but obviously after 7.5 years what was I thinking? Come on girl! (And yes, I am in therapy now lol)
This man was my first everything, you name it, we did it. I wouldn’t say I am thankful for him, but I am thankful for being able to learn what I do and don’t like and how I should and shouldn’t be treated. I am also taking 100% accountability for my actions, including not blocking his stupid ass sooner and continuing to let him come back. I never had a boyfriend before him and I didn’t know what healthy relationships looked like, so I kept making excuses for everything he did. I very much so thought what I felt for him was love but in all honesty, I think it was more of an infatuation, not wanting to be alone, and like I invested so much of myself that I didn’t want to give up the time spent with him to feel like a waste. But he never really loved me, or probably liked me for that matter.
In his words “… For years I've been trying to tell you what it was and what it wasn't but you've always shown me that it doesn't matter to you… It's probably easy to dream we're perfect for each other but sorry to say I known you're not the one for me and I've said this for a while now yet you still want it to be something that it's not.” That is the last thing he ever said to me and if he has said something else, I wouldn’t know because he is blocked. I should say, it’s not that I never cared, I was just very very very ignorant, blind, young, dumb, lost, all of the things. I am just glad I finally reached a conscious state, you feel me?
Now, to my concern… this man has a history of finding ways to communicate with me that are kinda odd but probably not unheard of. This started back in 2018 about a year after the first time we cut ties. He found my Snapchat using my phone number, which I guess isn’t too uncommon, but at that point we hadn’t spoken in nearly a year, and no attempt was made to just text me but whatever. Then over the next few years when we were still on and off every 2-3 months he changed his phone number 3 different times and always made sure I had it the day he got it. In 2022 he tried to gaslight me that I caught something from getting my cooty cat waxed (imagine the look on my doctors face while I’m telling him the story and I’m in full tears lol Please get tested regularly regardless of your relationship status :)) so we broke things off. I guess he was under the impression that I blocked him (which I should have) because at the beginning of 2023 he found my Pinterest to tell me he missed me. Things didn’t last more than a week but then got back together about 3 months later. I hit a breaking point because once again he put my health at risk and I was so disgusted, not only with him but myself too because I knew I shouldn’t have gone back but I did. You would’ve thought I learned my lesson but no. A few months later he found my LinkedIn to check on me and make sure I was okay because of how things ended. Foolishly I let him come back and that brings us to the beginning of March where he sent me that text and that’s when I blocked him on everything I could think of. Thankfully nothing was passed on this time lmfaoooo
I haven’t heard from him since but I am so nervous that he is going to find his way back again because he always seems to find a way... I am healthy and feel so great going to therapy to deal with this whole situation. I just don’t want him to come back but lately I’ve had this overwhelming feeling that he is going to make an attempt to soon. I’m stuck wondering… why?

TDLR - why would he still be texting if he needs space? does space ever work and you come back stronger? what can i do to support him through this?
my boyfriend (23) ended our 2 year relationship very suddenly last week, he’s come back and said he’s finding it really hard to get over me (24) and thinks he made the wrong decision, he’s said he has a lot going on personally and he wants our relationship to work and asked for just some space to make sure it’s the right thing for us to be together, but we’re texting a lot and he hasn’t asked for no contact and has even said he would rather us text and ask questions and meet up soon to talk through everything. i’m really nervous that he’s using me to help himself get over the break up, that it’s easier to keep me around whilst mentally detaching and then for him to move on. i said this and he said that’s not it, and honestly i think it’s just my lack of trust currently making my brain go to the worst situation possible.
what would be your advice in this situation? (kind words please, i’m an emotional wreck lmao) do you believe sometimes you just need space and the relationship can work through? he really is going through a lot and maybe it was just me being overwhelming and he retreated. there is no worry of other girls, he’s just not that kind of guy, he’s said to take a break but still he committed to each other, he’s not going on nights out or anything like that. i do know he loves me and i really did think we were in a good place in our relationship prior to this break up (obvs things to work on, we weren’t perfect) he’s just had a lot of bad news and money stresses. he’s said he will start going to counselling to help process these things, but just a few weeks space whilst trying to take some time would help him.
why do boys do this and what can i do to support him through this without nagging or stressing him out more? why would he need space but want to still talk? we talked less this week when we were broken up, maybe a couple messages a day just checking in with each other but a lot less than normal, it seemed like when i finally starting pulling away (not replying for many hours and removing him from socials) he came back, is he just scared of being alone?

Many of my friends have told me i am completely stupid for getting back with him. And sometimes i believe so too but i also believe he could have changed.
My boyfriend (23M) And I (22F) we’re together for a year and a half long distance, but made many plans to go see one another. There were many red flags from the start, that i completely saw through then it all made sense. His “ex girlfriend” (19F) who he would always bring up (ex. Guess who followed my instagram? it’s was” He would say it in such a nonchalant way that made me believe he just blocked her. I never actually got his instagram, we had each others snapchat and tiktok but never actually remembered instagram. So i could never actually check if i wanted to. So he’s always looking at my reposts and i rarely do, and one day i decide i’ll see what he’s reposted to… I look through them, there’s nothing bad but then i checked his following since it was under 20 and i rarely see that. And his “ex” is following him on her spam and main account. So i look at her profile and he’s following both of the accounts, So before i confront him, i text her and i say “do you know _ (my boyfriend)” and she basically replies saying “_ who?” i say his last name and she says yes i know him. I ask for their relations and how often they talk. How long they’ve known eachother. and i clearly realize about 5 months to us dating he also started dating her. She doesn’t believe me and makes me add her snap and show her screen shots of things he has sent me and out texts together, along with my call list with his name. It’s enough evidence for us to know he’s been cheating. i confronted him and his only reaction i got was “i’m sorry” then got blocked on everything. It was clearly a quick breakup and he still followed me on tiktok, one day he sends me a tiktok then deleted it. I kind of figured it was for a friend so i brushed it off. But an hour later he asked why he was left on seen. “I thought that was for your friend” no it was so you could text me. We talked for awhile and he tells me he’s sorry and has no idea why he would do that and he was really upset with him self. and he said it in such a way with so much emotion that AGAIN i believed him. Later that night we call and i was sobbing and yelling at him. he sits in silence with pain in his voice whenever he spoke like he was trying not to cry, he asks if i’d ever get back with him so he can prove he can do better and treat me right, i asked if he was still talking to this other girl. But his reaction to it broke my heart. “honestly yeah. We aren’t dating we’re kinda just friends and i check up on her every now and then.” We did end up getting back together and i watched him block her on everything + he gave me ALL of his socials. Started posting me and changed his bios showing off he had a girlfriend. We have been back together for 4 months, our 2 year anniversary is coming up as we decided to just pick up where we left off. We have planned a date that he will come down to see me and spend the summer with me.
(The girl was a complete loser and after finding out me and him got back together she started making fake accounts to stalk and text him trying to get him to cheat on me again. he obviously told me and we would make fun of her and he would block her)
I’m not sure if i fully trust him yet i just want some second opinions.

(Talks of trauma, death & loss)
I have so much to share but don’t know how to begin. I was 18, just graduated high school and started college. (My parents were married at this time) I’m the youngest, I have 3 older half siblings from my mom’s previous marriage, none of them close with my dad. My father had complications from a surgery and was coughing up blood at work, was life slighted, went into cardiac arrest & suffered for weeks in the hospital until my mom just put him in hospice care after he started showing improvements. It, literally, shattered me from the inside out watching him die. He was the only person I felt connected to, and my life haven’t even really begun yet. Backstory, my mom’s ex husband is an abusive alcoholic & he jumped right in for the chance to be with her when she was completely vulnerable after loss. My dad handled everything financially & she fell into the trap of her ex husband. I’d like to believe he actually wanted to be there for us, but that soon became not the reality of what the situation was. She started having him over at my house, my dad’s house, weeks after he died. I was absolutely unable to even function from grief, and I didn’t want him in my dad’s house. My father never liked him for how he treated my mom and I’m sure he had good reason. I told my mom how uncomfortable I was with this going on too soon and him being in my house, I would cry loudly sometimes when he was there and my mom would get mad at me because he would get uncomfortable and leave. I told her and him how much it upset me and that this was not the right way to go about it. She told me I wasn’t going to tell her who she could have in her house & that ‘he’s been waiting for this.’ I’ll never forget that. She’s the kind of person who cannot be alone, and so she clung to someone she had history with. This person is so toxic, and everyone in my family doesn’t understand why I want nothing to do with him. He treats her poorly, I refuse to be around him or go to any family events that he’s at. He’s since, moved into my moms basement & got drunk & cursed me out while I was pregnant telling me to get the fuck out. My mom stood and watched. I sometimes feel sorry for my mom, because she was able to escape her abuser and move on and restart her life with my dad and they had me. She lost someone too, but instead of trying to strengthen our already fragile relationship, she chose to get back with her ex husband and didn’t care how it would affect me. It’s been 7 years since his death. I have a 3 year old son I named after him. I won’t even go to her house anymore bc he’s so controlling and I will go off on him in the right circumstances. There’s so many more little things added up. Last year for my son’s 2nd birthday my mom said she wanted to get my son a sandbox. I said okay! She secretly had her ex husband/boyfriend build a sandbox, and while I was (suppose to be at work but was home sick & sleeping that day) had him AT MY HOUSE to deliver the sandbox. She knew I wouldn’t be okay with that and did it behind my back and had disrespected so many boundaries in so many other situations. To most, that would probably be perceived as a ‘nice gesture.’ But I want nothing to do with this man and don’t want to be accepting gifts from him and my mom knows this and doesn’t care. I confronted the ex husband over text just explaining that I was not comfortable with this and that mom didn’t tell me about any of this before hand and my siblings flipped out on me for ‘disrespecting their dad. It’s just all so unreal to me. Part of me will always resent her. I just have so much trauma from all of this and I don’t think I will ever truly heal. I’d like to think I’m doing okay for myself, but as a mother now I can’t understand how you can do that to your child.

I've tried to make it short but yeah this will take a long time to read I'm sorry I really need to vent and some advice(._.) Excuse my grammar I'm not a native English speaker.
So me (F24) and my boyfriend(M28) have been together for 7 years now and moved in together 1 ½ years ago. I feel like he has been taking me for granted all this years and doesn't have any kind of respect or real love towards me.
So I was naive, shy and a people pleaser at the time we started our relationship. I wasn't an angel but I wasn't a difficult child. My boyfriend is the complete opposite, your typical "I want to be a G" boy, used to be a weed dealer, always high, always being influenced by the wrong things. When we met I was in a very bad shape mentally, I just got out of the psychiatry a few months before we met, have been self harming myself, had suicide thoughts and my ex boyfriend was harassing me. Being with him kind of made me stronger, I started to feel better in my skin, I wasn't that shy anymore, he scared my ex off and he being a dealer turned me into a hardcore stoner even though I didn't even smoke cigarettes until we met but it "helped" me cope with my mental health. We could only see each other on the weekends because we didn't live near each other so he would come by and spend the whole weekend at my house fucking, eating, smoking and binge watching anything. Occasionally we would met with some of my friends and chill with them. I thought he was perfect but over the years shit kept happening that made me feel like he doesn't love or care about me.
Our first holiday together was 5 years into our relationship and I suggested and organized it all alone, it's always been like that with dates, concerts etc. The first time he ever got me anything for my birthday was almost 3 years into the relationship and after telling him it would be nice if he would get me something or take me out on a date sometime. Whenever he told me he felt uncomfortable with me doing this or that I stopped sometimes I argued but at the end I always gave in, e.g. I've never been to a party/club or to a girls trips because he didn't want me to but whenever it was the other way around, we would argue and he would do whatever he wanted anyways and even though I was mad and hurt, I always let it slide.
Since we've moved in, things are getting worse and worse. We've broken up a lot of times his reason is that I'm kinda messy I mean I clean and everything but the chaos comes back real quick no matter how many strategies I've come up with and his other reason is that I keep getting on his nerves with my complaints about his behavior.
Christmas '23 we had broken up again, I wanted to let it go for good and was texting a new guy to keep my mind off him. He was pulled over by cops while he had a few hundred grams on him, he called me after it happened, he was devastated and scared and I immediately told him to pack his things and come back home, a few days later I found out I was pregnant and we tried again I told him about me texting another guy and he was mad about it. In our first ultrasound we found out I would have a miscarriage, I could have a curettage or wait till it comes out naturally. I decided to wait, I kind of still had the hope that everything would turn up different till I was buying groceries and started bleeding like I was about to die and this went on for more than a week. He left me during this time, one of his reasons was that I was hoe for texting with another guy right after our breakup. I begged him on my knees not to leave but he didn't even look back and then one month later we began talking again, he said he couldn't let me go. He wanted to take me out for valentines day said he would take care of finding a restaurant and making a reservation at the end it was me who did it. I few months later it came out that he lied to me about his sexual history one of them being him going to a prostitute, the worse thing about it is he didn't even had the money for it so his friends told him they would pay for it if they get to decide which girl he'll fuck as if she was a worthless peace of me and he had been jerking off to instagram girls since our break up.
Our whole problems started 1 year into our relationship shortly after he got busted the first time we decided to stop smoking for a few days to see if he could deal being sover the whole time, back then i only smoked i few times a week but i decided to stop smoking too as a support. He still smoked but lied to me about it and let it slip while talking about his day. I told him if he would lie to me about something so insignificant i would like to know what else he has lied about. At first he denied lying about anything else but at the end he came clean about wanting to fuck another girl while we were dating but she ghosted him, just a few days before we made it official and the irony of it is he got mad because I was out with my guy friend, and wanted to cut off contact with me and this lead to us making it official. He has lied or hidden things from me too many times, there are things I'm not even sure if he really told me the whole truth.
There's so much more but I think that are the things that hurts me the most. Whenever I make him understand how hurt I am, how much damage he has done to me and our relationship he just doesn't say a thing or he explodes saying I'm a psycho, always getting on his nerves about the past and his behavior, blaming for this and that, insulting me and it's even gotten physical a few times. I just can't take it anymore, I'm exhausted from it all but I don't know how to leave I don't know if I'm in love or just emotionally dependent. I really still hope he will change his ways but I'm at the point of giving up. How can I move on or at least make him understand how much he needs to change his ways? If it's even worth try.
Tldr: I(f24) am frustrated at my boyfriends(m28) behavior. I wish he would start doing more for us to work but I'm exhausted after 7 years of disappointments don't know if I should try to make him understand or just break things off for good.

Ok so, about a long time ago I joined this app called "Amino", which is NOTORIOUS for having groomers in there. i was about 9 at the time. so i joined a Pokemon-centered(haha get it) Amino and this guy(24) started texting me. We were just talking like normal. And then after knowing each other for ONE FUCKING DAY, he asks me "Are you looking for a man?". My little 9 year old brain said "yes", I didn't know what he was asking. And he was just like "I'm going to be your boyfriend". I agree to it because I was stupid. But the relationship would immediately become sexual, he would ask for erotic roleplays just TWO DAYS IN, I just said yes because i didn't know how to say no at the time, so it wasn't like i was forced, I just complied so I guess it's kinda my fault. and so after like four days I asked my friend to tell him I want to break up, but he still wanted to date while "keeping it a secret"???
come to think of it, there's something about it that screams manipulator. its the way he speaks. he's all like "I assume you're xyz, am i correct?" which is a common thing manipulators say.
Keep in mind i never even told him my age, i just simply lied that i was a teenager, to some that would be a minor but to others a teenager is someone whose age simply ends with teen, so that'd include 18 and 19.
i just wanted to talk about pokemon not be forced to have e-sex with a 24 year old man

Me and my friend went to the mall to practice game and we saw two girls and I went in to talk to one. I started a casual conversation with her and she seemed nervous? Akin to that vibe a chihuahua gives off. However, I couldn't tell if she was nervous because she found me attractive or because she was scared for her life lmfao.
A couple green flags I saw were that she told me she was getting gifts for a birthday party for her friend and we talked about parties, and I told her that I go to our local university and visit parties there. What gave me good signs is that she kept reminding me that she was going to that university whenever I mentioned her graduating from hs.
And then her friend swooped in and either pretended to be on her phone or was on the phone and said "your boyfriend said to text him back" or some shit.
I have no clue if her friend did that to keep her from being unfaithful or to save her from a disaster that I myself was blind to. My friend was plastered so I can't really rely on his take on it lol.

apologies in advance for how frazzled this post is going to be.
the long of it is that my dad is dead (i was six, it's fine) and my mom is emotionally neglectful - add in some occasional yelling for flair. she's very moody, never takes responsibility, and requires appeasing 24/7. none of her relationships that i've been "sentient" for have gone well.
i met someone a while ago and moved them in with her approval, but her current boyfriend disapproved because we weren't contributing enough chore-wise. my then-partner is also from an abusive household, but a more confrontational one. i didn't know how to explain to them that we had to comply because i always do. i didn't know what would happen, otherwise. i didn't want to lose them despite red flags, so i followed their lead. my mom's boyfriend started yelling at her about it. i tried to intervene to protect her, but that made things worse. it became a "your partner leaves or my boyfriend breaks up with me" ultimatum situation with a lot of arguments, emotional tension, etc.
so, me and my then-partner moved to a studio apartment in an expensive city. they turned out to be very controlling and possessive. jokes about chaining me to a radiator got less flattering when they would have inexplicable violent meltdowns and insisted on looking at anything i wrote in my phone or journal. i made new friends that convinced me to leave them, so i moved back with my mom as an escape plan. i'm still stuck splitting the apartment's rent while my ex continues living there and i try to find a relet. i called the building and explained things, but they say there's nothing they can do. the lease is in my name so i think it might be possible to evict them, but i couldn't pay for the studio alone.
back home, my mom's boyfriend now has the same problem - just with me. the rest of the house is very messy and i don't occupy much space in it. i spend all my time at work or in my room because it's always tense in the common areas. i tried to tidy the disorganized kitchen today because tidying is something i'm good at. he got annoyed because he doesn't like people moving things around, and sort of snidely said that mopping would be a better use of my time.
i agreed to mop, but went to go tidy my closet instead because i honestly just wanted to be away from the whole situation. i figured i'd mop later and that would be fine. i mentioned it to my mom, and she took it upon herself to mop without telling me and it became an argument between her and her boyfriend. when i tried to intervene, she started full-on screaming about there not being "any more fighting" because she couldn't take it. nobody else had been yelling at all. i was frozen against the wall with my arms up in front of my face when her boyfriend came out and - again, snidely - said "all you had to do was mop."
i explained things, he walked everything back and said it was fine, and left. when i asked my mom if i could at least help her mop, if we could talk, it turned into yelling again. she hates that me and her boyfriend don't get along and that her relationship with him is failing too. she recently got a cancer diagnosis and said she can't "blow up her life" because of it - which i get. she said something about wishing someone would just hold her hand. that broke me in a bad way and i said that maybe if she had ever been there for her daughter, i would. i know it was wrong to say but i couldn't help it. i spent a lot of time processing my trauma while i was away, and it's left me raw and angry enough to speak up for myself when it's safekinder not to.
my si acting up was also part of why i left my ex, but it's only gotten worse since moving back. i evidently need an escape plan from my escape plan unless i want to be appeasing and white knuckling my way through the next year. the lease with my ex isn't up til next august, so i'd be waiting a while and worry i'll do something irreversible if i keep trying to just make it through. i panic texted a friend after the whole ordeal and am planning on catching a bus in the morning to go stay with her for a week or so. she's a bit older than me and i'm hoping she'll help me figure something out, but i thought i might as well ask here too.
resource wise, i have $8k in savings and currently make $13.20 an hr for around 20 hrs a week. it's the emergency job i could find on short notice. my city friends are all renters working retail, so they can't offer more than a couch. i do have relatively well-off grandparents who would offer me a spare room, but i'm gay and they live down south. they're a last resort.
is there any way for me to get out? what would you do? (am i the problem?)

My (33F) long distance relationship (LDR) two year anniversary with my boyfriend (30M) is about a month away. I wanted to take the time to reflect how my relationship has progressed throughout the last two years. By no means is my relationship perfect, & like others we have our fair share of problems. I'm going to be completely raw and honest here, and be as transparent as I feel comfortable with in this post. To me this is the longest and healthiest relationship I’ve been in, and I love that. Here are some of the key things that have gotten us to this point.
1. Communication frequency fluctuated over time
After the initial couple of months of texting non-stop all the time, we hit a more realistic timing when it came to us communicating…and it SUCKED…initially. I eventually had multiple conversations with him through various times that until we live together, the phone is our main way of communicating. We went from texting all the time, to him texting me at more reasonable times, to him and I communicating when we could. I moved further to the west coast (USA), so our time difference went from 5 hr difference to 8 hour difference. This affected our relationship a lot. The lack of time to communicate with each other had various effects on our relationship and those effects put a lot of strain on our relationship. I eventually moved back to the east coast.
There were times where we were both so busy that we would only be replying to each others text’s once a day. There were periods where he was going through something for months and I had to take that into consideration, and understand why we couldn’t communicate as much as we both would like. There were days and months where we able to text throughout the day and not just update each other. But there was never a day where we didn’t text each other, even when we were mad at each other, ( Full transparency— excluding a short period of time in our relationship).
What I learned from our fluctuating frequencies:

• I learned not to get upset anymore if he doesn’t text me goodnight. My boyfriend, when he’s tired, will knock out within half a second. (I've seen this in person, and I'm envious that he can knock out so quickly) If I don’t hear from him for the rest of the night I just assume he fell asleep, and I’ll wake up to a text an hour or two later, saying, “ Babe, I fell asleep “ or a text the next morning, telling me he fell asleep.
• I learned to fill that time with stuff for myself. I started to make plans with my friends, not around his schedule, but around my own. I started going to pilates, I spent time with my family, or I just did things for myself.
• I learned that there will be times in your relationship where patience and understanding come to the fore-front of a relationship. That sometimes your partner will struggle with things going on in their lives and it will require you to show up more and practice patience,
• I started appreciating him for the things that he did do. I started to rewire how I looked at things. For example, I noticed that he would stay up til midnight and try to text me from when he got home from work or the gym, and I learned his little ways of showing love.

He started to understand throughout our time together that he didn’t have to be on the phone 24/7 with me for me to feel loved and appreciated. Our phone calls and video calls went from 1x/month (we mainly texted) to now we have phone calls 2-4x/week without me having to ask. When my uncle died, he stayed on the phone with me until 1a-2am, his time. When I was struggling with my job, he was there for me while I cried my frustrations out. All of these things reminded me how he showed his love for me.
2. It takes two to tango, not one.
My relationship went from me mostly making plans, to me taking a step back and allowing him space to make plans for us. When I get excited I want things planned and book and ready to go. He’s not like that, he goes with the flow more often. Until, I realized he was just going with my flow, and that’s not completely fair to me. So I took a step back, and allowed there to be space instead of trying to fill it. Once the space was noticed, he naturally tried to fill it. During our last visit for his birthday, he mentioned to me how he was going to book tickets as soon as he could to see me. It went from the past of "we'll figure something out" to "I'm going to book tickets as soon as I can." This filled me with joy and it showed his initiative.
3. We are not the same person.
Something that will always be a work in progress is understanding that my boyfriend is not me. The way we view things, the way we react towards certain things, the way we were raised, our experiences are vastly different, and sometimes it can be difficult. My boyfriend has gone through things that I have never experienced in my life. Through his experiences, he viewed the world a bit more harshly than I did. This was a challenge through parts of our relationship. He slowly let down his guard with me and works on himself so that way his past trauma’s don’t negatively affect our relationship. It took a little bit, but he got to a point where he understood that I had no intention of ever betraying his trust. He wasn’t used to the level of transparency that I was giving. He eventually opened up to me about how his previous relationship had affected him.
I in turn learned that my previous ways of handling conflict when I was mad, didn’t fly the same way in this relationship. I learned that when things got heated, he shuts down and I get anxious. So we both are constantly trying to work on how we approach conflict. How I handle things are not how he handles things. That’s okay. We’re working on a solution that’s the best for us.
4. Sticking up for my needs, wants and desires made my relationship better. Be vocal about what you want.
I’m not interested in being the chill, go with the flow girlfriend. I work on being vocal of my needs, desires, and wants. My previous relationship, when I would ask for things like flowers or cute things, I would be met with constant dismissals. Growing up I saw so many women out there getting these sorts of things, and I decided why not me? Why do I not deserve to shown love in the ways that I desire from time to time?
When we first celebrated valentine’s day, he didn’t get me anything. I was heartbroken, especially since I had been talking and hinting about the day for the past couple of weeks prior. (Yes I had gotten him something).

He tells me, “never in my 28 years of life have I celebrated Valentine’s Day.” I told him, “ I never wanted to hear that sentence again, unless it ends with ‘until I met you’. I am a girl who loves flowers. I love cute gestures, and I would like flowers.”

For my birthday, Christmas, and the next Valentine’s Day he got me flowers, without me having to ask. It’s important for you to communicate those needs, wants, and desires. Ultimately, then it’s up to your partner to decide if they want to deliver. My boyfriend is free to do what he wants. I am also free to decide if what he chooses to do works for me in a relationship.
5. It’s important to be accountable and to be held accountable for a relationship to work.
Past relationship trauma can hinder the way you act in a relationship, however, your actions are still your own and you are responsible of them.
Our relationship ended prematurely from his end once because he thought running away from issues was better that solving them. I set up a boundary after taking him back stating that if he chooses not to work on the relationship in the future, but decides to quit instead, I will take that as a sign to end things with him. I left certain things behind from my toxic situationship, and there are certain things that I will not tolerate in healthy relationships anymore. So a boundary was set.
5a. Stick to your boundaries. They show that you will show up for yourself.
Fast forward a couple months later, the same behaviors he had exhibited before started showing up and there came a time for me to act on my boundary. I broke up with him. This is a man that I love so much, but I told myself that this was not something I wanted in a healthy relationship.

If I learned anything from my previous experiences, the more you forgive someone and they keep doing the same thing, the more they think it’s acceptable to do it.

I do not regret breaking up with him. I only regretted how I did it. I was crying too much and couldn’t physically do a phone call, so I ended it through text. (We had tried to do a video call the day before and nothing was being resolved unfortunately).
So we went mostly no contact. He eventually, after a month, wrote to me and expressed remorse and accountability for his actions. I took responsibilities for my part in the relationship ending as well. We eventually decided to take things slow, and got back together. As the next few months went by, there were small positive changes that slowly started building our foundation again, and we got to a point where I felt safe and comfortable to be official again.
What I learned

• its important for you to stick up for yourself in a relationship
• it’s not good to let someone off the hook just because you love them
• No matter how much you love someone, it’s important to walk away from a relationship if it’s not working
• It’s okay to try and work on your relationship

I will proudly say that since we got back together, our relationship has gotten a lot better. We actively work on communication and patience. We’ve gotten to know each other better. He’s met my family and I’ve met his. We genuinely love each other so much and we actively show up for one another. It’s definitely not perfect by no means. There are things that have happened in my relationship that are far from ideal, but the fact that we both want to be with each other, and show up for each other, and continue to do so makes this relationship worth it for me.
If there ever comes a day that this relationship does’t last, it will hurt so much. However, it won’t kill me. I’ve come to a point in my life where I know that if it genuinely doesn’t work out, then there is just something else better waiting for me. But I hope that day never comes, because I love this man so much and I would love to spend the rest of our lives together.
******
TLDR: Im reflecting on my relationship and these are some highlights.

1. Communication frequency fluctuated over time
2. Patience is a virtue, try to understand your partner
3. Show up for your partner
4. Stick up for your needs, wants and desires, they make your relationship better. Or show you that they’re not the one for you
5. Hold yourself and your partner accountable
6. Stick to your boundaries, that’s how you show up for yourself
7. Leave if you must, work on the relationship if you think it’s worthy
8. If it doesn’t work out, grieve, but understand that there will be something better for you. Come from a thinking of abundance, not lack.
9. Relationships aren’t always best case scenario, they require hard work sometimes. And sometimes they just get better as you go on.

Some things I wanted to add at the end:

1. Don’t compare yourself to what you see online, take breaks if you feel like social media is damaging your mental health. Your relationship doesn't have to look like everyone elses
2. Talk to people who are in similar relationships with you, or relationships you want to emulate, not anyone and everyone

If you made it this far, thanks and I hope this reflection helped some people in some way. Here's a little kirby for you

(>")> (^"^) <("<)

My (33F) two year anniversary with my boyfriend (30M) is about a month away. I wanted to take the time to reflect how my relationship has progressed throughout the last two years. By no means is my relationship perfect, & like others we have our fair share of problems. I'm going to be completely raw and honest here, and be as transparent as I feel comfortable with in this post. To me this is the longest and healthiest relationship I’ve been in, and I love that. Here are some of the key things that have gotten us to this point.
1. Communication frequency fluctuated over time
After the initial couple of months of texting non-stop all the time, we hit a more realistic timing when it came to us communicating…and it SUCKED…initially. I eventually had multiple conversations with him through various times that until we live together, the phone is our main way of communicating. We went from texting all the time, to him texting me at more reasonable times, to him and I communicating when we could. I moved further to the west coast (USA), so our time difference went from 5 hr difference to 8 hour difference. This affected our relationship a lot. The lack of time to communicate with each other had various effects on our relationship and those effects put a lot of strain on our relationship. I eventually moved back to the east coast.
There were times where we were both so busy that we would only be replying to each others text’s once a day. There were periods where he was going through something for months and I had to take that into consideration, and understand why we couldn’t communicate as much as we both would like. There were days and months where we able to text throughout the day and not just update each other. But there was never a day where we didn’t text each other, even when we were mad at each other, ( Full transparency— excluding a short period of time in our relationship).
What I learned from our fluctuating frequencies:

• I learned not to get upset anymore if he doesn’t text me goodnight. My boyfriend, when he’s tired, will knock out within half a second. (I've seen this in person, and I'm envious that he can knock out so quickly) If I don’t hear from him for the rest of the night I just assume he fell asleep, and I’ll wake up to a text an hour or two later, saying, “ Babe, I fell asleep “ or a text the next morning, telling me he fell asleep.
• I learned to fill that time with stuff for myself. I started to make plans with my friends, not around his schedule, but around my own. I started going to pilates, I spent time with my family, or I just did things for myself.
• I learned that there will be times in your relationship where patience and understanding come to the fore-front of a relationship. That sometimes your partner will struggle with things going on in their lives and it will require you to show up more and practice patience,
• I started appreciating him for the things that he did do. I started to rewire how I looked at things. For example, I noticed that he would stay up til midnight and try to text me from when he got home from work or the gym, and I learned his little ways of showing love.

He started to understand throughout our time together that he didn’t have to be on the phone 24/7 with me for me to feel loved and appreciated. Our phone calls and video calls went from 1x/month (we mainly texted) to now we have phone calls 2-4x/week without me having to ask. When my uncle died, he stayed on the phone with me until 1a-2am, his time. When I was struggling with my job, he was there for me while I cried my frustrations out. All of these things reminded me how he showed his love for me.
2. It takes two to tango, not one.
My relationship went from me mostly making plans, to me taking a step back and allowing him space to make plans for us. When I get excited I want things planned and book and ready to go. He’s not like that, he goes with the flow more often. Until, I realized he was just going with my flow, and that’s not completely fair to me. So I took a step back, and allowed there to be space instead of trying to fill it. Once the space was noticed, he naturally tried to fill it. During our last visit for his birthday, he mentioned to me how he was going to book tickets as soon as he could to see me. It went from the past of "we'll figure something out" to "I'm going to book tickets as soon as I can." This filled me with joy and it showed his initiative.
3. We are not the same person.
Something that will always be a work in progress is understanding that my boyfriend is not me. The way we view things, the way we react towards certain things, the way we were raised, our experiences are vastly different, and sometimes it can be difficult. My boyfriend has gone through things that I have never experienced in my life. Through his experiences, he viewed the world a bit more harshly than I did. This was a challenge through parts of our relationship. He slowly let down his guard with me and works on himself so that way his past trauma’s don’t negatively affect our relationship. It took a little bit, but he got to a point where he understood that I had no intention of ever betraying his trust. He wasn’t used to the level of transparency that I was giving. He eventually opened up to me about how his previous relationship had affected him.
I in turn learned that my previous ways of handling conflict when I was mad, didn’t fly the same way in this relationship. I learned that when things got heated, he shuts down and I get anxious. So we both are constantly trying to work on how we approach conflict. How I handle things are not how he handles things. That’s okay. We’re working on a solution that’s the best for us.
4. Sticking up for my needs, wants and desires made my relationship better. Be vocal about what you want.
I’m not interested in being the chill, go with the flow girlfriend. I work on being vocal of my needs, desires, and wants. My previous relationship, when I would ask for things like flowers or cute things, I would be met with constant dismissals. Growing up I saw so many women out there getting these sorts of things, and I decided why not me? Why do I not deserve to shown love in the ways that I desire from time to time?
When we first celebrated valentine’s day, he didn’t get me anything. I was heartbroken, especially since I had been talking and hinting about the day for the past couple of weeks prior. (Yes I had gotten him something).

He tells me, “never in my 28 years of life have I celebrated Valentine’s Day.” I told him, “ I never wanted to hear that sentence again, unless it ends with ‘until I met you’. I am a girl who loves flowers. I love cute gestures, and I would like flowers.”

For my birthday, Christmas, and the next Valentine’s Day he got me flowers, without me having to ask. It’s important for you to communicate those needs, wants, and desires. Ultimately, then it’s up to your partner to decide if they want to deliver. My boyfriend is free to do what he wants. I am also free to decide if what he chooses to do works for me in a relationship.
5. It’s important to be accountable and to be held accountable for a relationship to work.
Past relationship trauma can hinder the way you act in a relationship, however, your actions are still your own and you are responsible of them.
Our relationship ended prematurely from his end once because he thought running away from issues was better that solving them. I set up a boundary after taking him back stating that if he chooses not to work on the relationship in the future, but decides to quit instead, I will take that as a sign to end things with him. I left certain things behind from my toxic situationship, and there are certain things that I will not tolerate in healthy relationships anymore. So a boundary was set.
5a. Stick to your boundaries. They show that you will show up for yourself.
Fast forward a couple months later, the same behaviors he had exhibited before started showing up and there came a time for me to act on my boundary. I broke up with him. This is a man that I love so much, but I told myself that this was not something I wanted in a healthy relationship.

If I learned anything from my previous experiences, the more you forgive someone and they keep doing the same thing, the more they think it’s acceptable to do it.

I do not regret breaking up with him. I only regretted how I did it. I was crying too much and couldn’t physically do a phone call, so I ended it through text. (We had tried to do a video call the day before and nothing was being resolved unfortunately).
So we went mostly no contact. He eventually, after a month, wrote to me and expressed remorse and accountability for his actions. I took responsibilities for my part in the relationship ending as well. We eventually decided to take things slow, and got back together. As the next few months went by, there were small positive changes that slowly started building our foundation again, and we got to a point where I felt safe and comfortable to be official again.
What I learned

• its important for you to stick up for yourself in a relationship
• it’s not good to let someone off the hook just because you love them
• No matter how much you love someone, it’s important to walk away from a relationship if it’s not working
• It’s okay to try and work on your relationship

I will proudly say that since we got back together, our relationship has gotten a lot better. We actively work on communication and patience. We’ve gotten to know each other better. He’s met my family and I’ve met his. We genuinely love each other so much and we actively show up for one another. It’s definitely not perfect by no means. There are things that have happened in my relationship that are far from ideal, but the fact that we both want to be with each other, and show up for each other, and continue to do so makes this relationship worth it for me.
If there ever comes a day that this relationship does’t last, it will hurt so much. However, it won’t kill me. I’ve come to a point in my life where I know that if it genuinely doesn’t work out, then there is just something else better waiting for me. But I hope that day never comes, because I love this man so much and I would love to spend the rest of our lives together.
******
TLDR: Im reflecting on my relationship and these are some highlights.

1. Communication frequency fluctuated over time
2. Patience is a virtue, try to understand your partner
3. Show up for your partner
4. Stick up for your needs, wants and desires, they make your relationship better. Or show you that they’re not the one for you
5. Hold yourself and your partner accountable
6. Stick to your boundaries, that’s how you show up for yourself
7. Leave if you must, work on the relationship if you think it’s worthy
8. If it doesn’t work out, grieve, but understand that there will be something better for you. Come from a thinking of abundance, not lack.
9. Relationships aren’t always best case scenario, they require hard work sometimes. And sometimes they just get better as you go on.

Some things I wanted to add at the end:

1. Don’t compare yourself to what you see online, take breaks if you feel like social media is damaging your mental health. Your relationship doesn't have to look like everyone elses
2. Talk to people who are in similar relationships with you, or relationships you want to emulate, not anyone and everyone

If you made it this far, thanks and I hope this reflection helped some people in some way. Here's a little kirby for you

(>")> (^"^) <("<)

How I met my abusive (ex) boyfriend
I "dated" a pedophile. It started when I was 13 and he was 17. When I was 13 I was interested in drawing, illustrating, making comics, digital art, the whole shebang really. I had a DeviantArt with cringy meme drawings and Lion King OC's judge me all you want I was a kid, I made Harry Potter fanfics I was 13. I made an account on a now deleted website called Art Spots. It was like Aggie.io or drawesome. You just drew online with random other people and there was a chatbox on the side and, in retrospect I think it was a furry website... Anyway, one day someone popped in and said they liked my drawing and they asked how old I was. I said I was 13, they said they were 17 and they thought my art was sooo good that I had to be an art teacher or smth. This may seem like a compliment and it is especially from someone older than me, and that's exactly what I was thinking but considering what would later happen this is called "grooming" which is when someone builds an emotional connection with a child to gain their trust for the purpose of sexual abuse, explotation or trafficking. The predator gains the child's trust, breaks down their defenses and then convinces them to engage in their sick and disgusting desires. This guy shared his entire life story with me, he was graduating high school, had a crush on this girl who friendzoned him and he was severely depressed and all he wanted was a "friend" but, and this is important. He told me to never tell my parents about our "friendship" why you may ask? "Because they wouldn't understand us, we're like Romeo and Juliet, okay?" Which is what he said. So eventually we moved our conversation to AIM, then Skype and eventually texting, as time went on he demanded more and more of me and he never seemed to understand that I was 3 hours ahead of him. I lived in NC and he lived in CA so I couldn't exactly stay up late and chat to him every night. So he accused me of ignoring him and hating him and one night when I fell asleep I woke up to a barrage of text from him saying he would kill himself because I was ignoring him and after hours of calling and texting him saying I was sorry and it wouldn't happen again and he finally responded and, thankfully he was alright and okay. But I was not, at 13 I couldn't imagine being the reason someone killed themselves no matter how much stay up till 1, 2 or 3AM was destroying me but from that night on out of fear I stayed awake. By highschool our "friendship" completely took over my life because when I was with friends and family he'd do anything to make me abandon them to talk to him, he'd blow up my phone during dinner and if I didn't respond he'd call me awful things just to bait my into giving him attention. Heck even during prom night he tried convincing me to stay home and when I refused he went silent which worried me to death and he later explained he did this as punishment for "ignoring" him. He would do anything and everything to keep to isolated from friends and family. His favourite tactic was threatening suicide! Even if I logged off he had my home address so he could SWAT me. Death was something he constantly held over my head. That's terrifying for a high schooler. So why did I stay? Stockholm syndrome. So every time he threatened suicide I would talk him off the cliff by saying exactly what he wanted to hear. After months and years of saying exactly what he wanted to hear I started to believe it. Just like he wanted. I felt brainwashed, trapped in my own mindgames and slowly he broke me down, made me choose sides and do anything he wanted. Why did he wanted me so badly? Well, when I was 15 he used these tactics to take inappropriate pictures of me and save them in his computer in what he called his "Personal Collection" by this time, he had just turned 21. This is where our friendship turned into a relationship. Everday, after-school, during the summer even when I was at work he demanded I dropped whatever I was doing and send him no less than 30 nude photos of myself per day and when I said no (which I did) he'd find a way to force me. I remember one time I begged him for hours to leave me alone. I even told him this was considered CP and that he could be arrested. Now you think anyone who was confronted with this kind of information. They'd go "Oh man, I don't wanna go to jail" nope, not Haris. These pictures of me were so important he'd do anything to get them so he found a way to deny, deflect and blame me for everything. This is called gaslighting which is where the abuser denies reality and convinces the victim do doubt their own memory, perceptions and sanity. Like always Haris threatened suicide if I didn't go along with him. So when I tried to tell him what he's doing is wrong, disgusting and against the law I ended up being the one apologising to him. For making him cry! This went on until I graduated high school and went to college and remembered that girl who friend zoned him in high school? Around this time she reached out to me telling me to run and block him, to cut him off immediately because truly he harassed her in high school, stalked her in real life and when she blocked his phone number. Haris used a website to make up fake phone numbers so he could still contact and harass her. I didn't want to think this was true but then again if it happened to someone else maybe it was. So I brought these allegations up to Haris and he became so angry at me. He denied doing any of that despite the proof she presented. He accused me of lying, he told me to never speak her again and he demanded all of my password on social media to make sure of it. He also threatened to kill me and then himself if I didn't comply. Also I couldn't have said no because I was terrified, you don't know what it was like! You don't get to say "You could've just said no" to me and millions of other young children who are lured into this kind of evol every day! We don't need to be told what to do or how to feel because we've had enough of that from the awful people who hurt us. What we need is for someone to finally listen and believe us. People like Haris to not deserve the benefit of the doubt or your empathy. People like him thrive when others are complaisent the more we turn the other cheek and say "that's none of my business" or even worse, blame the child for the evil they had to bear and the childhood they had to sacrifice. The more this happens, the more that people like Haris get away with it and do it again. This is why I'm telling you this story years after it happened. I want to warn others, especially those watching who are as young as I was! Sadly this story is only the tip of the iceberg.
TL;DR: When I was 13 a 17 year old called Haris complimented my art (which was actually grooming) and when I was 15 it escalated to me sending 50+ nude photos. The reason I didn't tell anyone was because I developed Stockholm Syndrome. If I failed to obey his commands he'd threaten suicide and one day an ex of his warned me to block him everywhere but Haris gaslit me into almost giving him all my passwords to ensure I blocked the lady. I told this story to spread awareness of pedophillia. PS: He also stopped me from going to prom to chat with him.

Alright, so I just recently came back into the "sugar life", or trying to. My boyfriend broke up with me, so I decided to go back onto sugar websites. Just to get back in the game and shake it off. After a few days of searching and talking to some guys, one guy has...struck my interest. But he's very different from the others that I've met.
So lets call him G.
G is around 50 years old, had been on SDM for years (talking about 10+ years, photo verfied), and seems to be interested in me. However, the way he goes about it is new and different, so I don't really know what he's giving me is a red, yellow, or green flag.
Starting off, he sent me a message with a bunch of questions. How much to go out for a date, do I have a car, what's my number, if I had anymore pictures, and telling me how gorgeous I look. And then added his phone number at the end. I texted back the answers and added that I wasn't really comfortable exchanging numbers so fast, and that I wanted to see if we were somewhat compatible on the site first. He replied with some of the same questions (even added how he really just wanted to pay someone for conversation) and gave me his number again. So I just decided to give in and send him a message. He's not interested in texting, so we call. Basically, his work is really busy and he just wants someone to talk to, go out for lunch, hang out and maybe cuddle, and just take things slow from there. That he had no interest in the actual...sugar part (big sigh of relief, honestly) and would still pay me for that stuff.
While we were talking, it became quite obvious that he was either...not really paying attention to what I say the first time or if his age is catching up with him. Because I would say something, or answer a question, and then later on, he would ask again and then say "right, right, you said that earlier". So a bit annoying to have to repeat myself, but I can just brush it off. And it's not even a here and there thing, it was constant. Constantly double and triple asking/checking.
I even told him that I was pregnant, and if that was a deal breaker, I won't be offended. He said it wasn't a deal breaker but he wanted nothing to do with the child, since it wasn't his and that he wouldn't mind sending me money for baby clothes or whatever. But he emphasized that he wanted NOTHING to do with the baby (again, huge sigh of relief, I was hoping to find a SD like that. Not even the money part, but the part of not wanting anything to do with the child). I also told him I don't have a car at the moment (bad accident and I'm saving up) and he offered to pay for Lyft.
We talked, and so far, he still likes me and I'm interested in getting to know him. We have a meetup set soon in a few days. It's at this type of...sit down restaurant (it's like the lunch version of Ihop) on the side of the road. A place you would go when you're on a road trip and everyone is yelling at the driver to stop somewhere to eat. You know what I'm talking about. Now don't get me wrong, I don't need a fancy dinner by any means. I'm not complaining that he's not spending thousands on lunch. Hopefully as you continue reading, you'll understand why I'm a little...on edge with this guy.
G tells me that his job is really strict and busy, yes. And that since he's been on the site for so long, he's been scammed so many times, and that he might just be too nice to certain situations and whatnot. And as he talked more about his work situation, the more I start to question if this is a good idea. For both of us.
His current phone was given to him by the company he works at (maybe the next time we talk, I'll ask him more about his job because that would give me more insight....), he doesn't like to text because his phone is already blowing up with work stuff. And his job has a card that gives discounts for Uber and Lyft rides and that I could use that card. He put a big emphasis on not using the card for anything else, because in the past, others have used his card and bought other stuff with it, and it's just a hassle and a big-time waster to get the money back. And I've said multiple times that that won't be an issue with me, I don't want any legal issues at all. He also said it would look bad for him if he paid for the Lyft in advanced on the weekend and it would be best if we just did it the day of. I'm not trying to get him fired or anything...if he has to do something behind his company's back and could get in trouble for it, I'd rather he not. He also said he needed to take care of his bills first and get situated there before he can give me the final number for our date. Which is kind of weird for me to hear, especially so early. None of past sugar daddies have talked to me about their bills, or needing to pay them on time, or having any sort of worry with paying me after their bills or anything like that. I don't want him to break the bank or have to...constantly budget if he wants an arrangement with me. I'd feel too bad.
He wants to still talk on the phone, meet up, have lunches, get to know each other, constantly gives me compliments, and just...seems genuine about that stuff. But I just don't know how to bring up my concerns, or if it's not even a problem. Maybe I'm just overthinking and everything is fine? Maybe even normal?
Like I haven't even met him yet and I'm already being judgmental?? I don't know, this is just a strange, new situation and I don't know if I should just go with the flow or ask more questions.

so fucked up, fucked a guy i work with. he has been persuing me for MONTHS (asking co-workers about me, leaving stubble hints, to leaving his phone number out for me). all of these advances i’ve ignored because i’ve been told to never do your co-worker. finally one day he followed me and finally asked if i had a boyfriend. i said no and we exchanged numbers. we texted for about a month consistently, then one thing lead to another and we had sex. a lot. like alot. hot and heavy. we went in one date, kinda, it went alright but he’s a quiet guy always has been. then one day, absolute ghost mode. nothing, i asked him if he was ok he said he was going through a lot. that was it. haven’t talked to him at all. i haven’t really seen him at work, but i’ve seen him in passing. he doesn’t he acknowledge me. did i do something wrong? or do you think he wanted one thing then dipped? i know you can’t really anwser for him but i needed to let it out (especially since my friends are tired or me crying about it lol)
(fuck that guy btw) (but the d was fire)

I don't know if I need advice or if I just need to vent.
Does anyone else ever feel like you'll never have a happily ever after? I've only ever wanted to find my person and have a family of my own. I have abandonment and attachment issues steming from being adopted when I was a baby and then previous relationship with my children's dad.
I am 33 and my boyfriend is 31. We've been together for 4yrs. I already came to terms that he won't get married again( had kids young, went to the Marine Corps, wife cheated)and we won't have a child together either, but currently we're going through the worst time we've had together.
A few months ago he got upset with me. He expressed how he felt but when I did it he stopped talking to me for like 2 weeks. Things are I guess somewhat better in that we talk but not about anything real or important. We're just roommates at this point. He doesn't treat me like his girlfriend anymore; ( only hugs me when we leave for work.) We don't kiss, we don't tell eachother we love eachother, no cuddling, no hand holding but we do have sex here and there ( which doesn't bother me).
I tried talking to him about the situation, writing long text, writing a letter, nothing has worked. He ignores the conversation or avoids me all together. I've asked several times what he wants and what we are now and he will not answer me or he says I don't know, but how do you not know. 4yrs and you don't know suddenly. You're giving up over something that could have been talked about in a 5 minute conversation? I'm so confused.
I know it's easy to say leave, and I'm sure a lot of people will tell me to leave but part of me doesn't want to I'm comfortable here, my life is here. Part of me doesn't want to because I'm tired of going through this with the people I date, I dont want to settle but what if this is it for me. I've only had 3 serious relationships this being one of them. The one I thought was it, my forever. I'm struggling with feeling guilty if i hurt him by leaving(stupid I know). I have a big heart and I struggle with giving too much of myself to people. I'm struggling with how to leave when I don't want to. I'm struggling with his lack of communication and feeling like he's just throwing this away. I'm hurting and I just want him to hear me and actually acknowledge me and how I'm feeling. I'm trying to detach but I'm struggling with just wanting our connection back. He was my best friend.
I know people will ask but I am not 100% sure but like 95% sure he's isn't and hasn't cheated on me. He really has no time with his job, he cant have his phone while hes on the clock, it cant be on or anything. He's either working, or home playing video games or working on things here at home. He's never given me a reason or gut feeling that he is or has cheated.
I just don't know what to do or think. I fell like if we do split up that I'll never find my person, because I felt like I already did.
Thanks for reading.

Hello all,
I’ve (28F) been in a relationship for nearly 4 years now with my boyfriend (31M). I had previously come out of a really abusive relationship which involved sexual and physical abuse. I tried therapy once but my therapist was useless in the situation so I never tried again.
When I first met my boyfriend, we would talk non stop on the phone and real life. Of course, we were just friends at the time. I started to realise I was falling in love so tried my best to counter it by inviting third wheels to our outings, trying to set him up with other girls and distancing away from him but I always found myself running back to him.
During lockdown, we lived together in shared accommodation where he’d bring back alcoholic minigames daily which would get me drunk. I never thought anything of it at the time, we tried hallucinogens and did edibles. (For the first time). One story I remember really well is when we did hallucinogens together, I went downstairs at one point because my mind told me to “grab a knife”. I didn’t and later told him that my mind told me to grab a knife and he said that be knew it “I thought you were grabbing a knife as well!”. I’ve always thought of it as a weird kind of wavelength experience.
When we both confessed, I broke down and he held me tight exclaiming that “it’s ok, you’re here with me now”.
Ever since, there’s been a couple up and downs, we enjoy each other’s company a lot. We go on long walks, sit outside, cook for each other and go for meals. He is really sweet to me most of the time. We’ve both had a traumatic past and we say we’ve healed through it together and that we’re meant to be for one another. I love him a lot.
But my friend sat me down the other day and pointed out that some behaviour was not normal.

• His behaviour towards his mum, my friend said that I’ve told her “He was shouting at his mum after his grandma (her mum) had passed away that if he found his grandmas spare mini cabinet in his room when he came home, he’d smash it to pieces” - he does occasionally shout at his mum and I know it’s bad but I’ve told him to calm down and he has. He does do errands for her most of the time.
  
• His behaviour towards strangers/workers. She commented on some of the stories I have told her about him. One being when he went to the dentist and they told him to brush more, he replied “how about you don’t tell me what to do and you do your job!”. The other being when he went to get my phone repaired for me and they couldn’t within a week, he demanded “that isn’t good enough, I want to talk to the manager!”. The last one being how he speaks down to my neighbours when they asked him not to park on the corner of a junction. He said “look here lady, I’ve had no problems parking here so I’m not going to move”.
  
• His habit of pushing me for time. I’ll admit he has got angry if I’m slightly late to things, like the one time I was 2minutes late and he had a go at me. He’s also very pushy when I stay at work to do overtime. He’ll text me to hurry up or to come home already. I really hate being pushed for time so I told him and he has calmed down with that behaviour since.
  
• the comments about her, I told him once that I wasn’t happy with her tone when she spoke to me one day. We went on a hike and it turned out to be pretty easy and dry. At the end of the hike, she said “there was no point in me buying all this gear then” which I thought was pretty snobby. She has been my best friend of 15years and has always been loyal to me. My boyfriend replied to this story with “I don’t understand why you’re friends with her, you shouldn’t be really” - “she’s weird”.
  
• He pushed my workplace male friend away, he started by saying how nice he was to me and how I should appreciate him then quickly switched up on him. Started to say a lot of hateful things towards him ultimately telling me it’s best for me to leave the workplace and find another job. I thought nothing of this because boyfriend jealousy is normal? I do remember having to call my work friend whenever I wasn’t home because my bf would get really mad if I mentioned him at home.
  
• She asked why my sister hates my boyfriend which I didn’t really have an answer to. She does but I think she’s just a man hater generally.
  
• How he’s always texting and calling me. I’ll be at work and he showers me with texts. Just normal texts in general though.
  
• How he lives with me at my parents house now. She said that any insidious behaviour from him is shallow and shielded right now as he can’t act out to the extent he wants in that environment. He did shout at me once when we had a disagreement and I cried all day as it brought up past trauma. I told his mum about it and she told him off and since then, it hasn’t happened.
  
• She said that he can be patronising, she’s met him and she’s seen how he talks to me. He talks in a very soft voice like I’m a child and then when I say something, he sometimes mocks my voice but in a teasing and jokey way. I have also tried to get advice from him and when I didn’t understand he said “how do you not understand, it’s not that hard” which did upset me at the time.
  
• He doesn’t like being teased, if I call him a teasy name, he says he doesn’t like it and sometimes gets moody.
  
• He doesn’t like being told what to do. Neither do I, so I thought this was normal?
  
• He will be moody and passive aggressive towards me if he has had a bad day at work. I do call him out on it and he normally stops.
  
• Lastly, he allowed my toxic ex to show up to my studio. My ex texted saying he was going to drop by with some leaflets and I told my boyfriend and he said it’s fine, let him and that he trusts me. Of course, I listened and the ex upset me so I ran home and my boyfriend held me and told me why the ex did what he did. My friend said this behaviour is abnormal, as first - he didn’t trust me when I mentioned this new male worker at all. Secondly, she said it seems he is using my trauma to gain a platform above me. Using it to gain more attention and need for him.
  

I say all of this as repeat from my friend, all of it is true but I cannot explain to you how much I love him. We have had down spells where I’ve felt like I could leave him and I have told him about it and everytime he cries so I decided to stay and fix things because no one has ever cried over me before. My friend says that the biggest worry is that my unhealed trauma means I don’t know what real love is and I’ve been normalised to this bad behaviour. I mentioned to her that I have had a couple suicidal thoughts, depressing episodes and an increase in stress. She also said I have low self esteem where I don’t think I’m good enough - she thinks I’m beautiful and amazing though. My boyfriend does compliment me every now and then but he’s more clingy and needy. I have bad nightmares about running away from things and a friend of mine who is a detective said that it sounds like I’m trapped. I think this id all past trauma and ptsd kicking in again as I see no real reason for my current relationship to be causing it.
I have no money, I’m terrible with it. My bf is the one with income and he allows me to indulge in my bad spending habits. He buys me gifts occasionally like clothing and jewellery which I think is sweet and thoughtful. We talk about the future a lot, when we’ll get married and have our own house. I remember asking him if we were meant to be and he said yes. I feel happy but my friend said the way I’m living life so down all the time isn’t normal, I don’t want to talk to my bf about it because I don’t want to ruin my happy place.
I do think he may be on the spectrum with autism as he does have one massive hobby he is absolutely addicted about.
This friend is the only one who I’ve told this much about my relationship to and I don’t know if to trust her or not. What do you think about my boyfriend?
Thanks

Hello all,
I’ve (28F) been in a relationship for nearly 4 years now with my boyfriend (31M). I had previously come out of a really abusive relationship which involved sexual and physical abuse. I tried therapy once but my therapist was useless in the situation so I never tried again.
When I first met my boyfriend, we would talk non stop on the phone and real life. Of course, we were just friends at the time. I started to realise I was falling in love so tried my best to counter it by inviting third wheels to our outings, trying to set him up with other girls and distancing away from him but I always found myself running back to him.
During lockdown, we lived together in shared accommodation where he’d bring back alcoholic minigames daily which would get me drunk. I never thought anything of it at the time, we tried hallucinogens and did edibles. (For the first time). One story I remember really well is when we did hallucinogens together, I went downstairs at one point because my mind told me to “grab a knife”. I didn’t and later told him that my mind told me to grab a knife and he said that be knew it “I thought you were grabbing a knife as well!”. I’ve always thought of it as a weird kind of wavelength experience.
When we both confessed, I broke down and he held me tight exclaiming that “it’s ok, you’re here with me now”.
Ever since, there’s been a couple up and downs, we enjoy each other’s company a lot. We go on long walks, sit outside, cook for each other and go for meals. He is really sweet to me most of the time. We’ve both had a traumatic past and we say we’ve healed through it together and that we’re meant to be for one another. I love him a lot.
But my friend sat me down the other day and pointed out that some behaviour was not normal.

• His behaviour towards his mum, my friend said that I’ve told her “He was shouting at his mum after his grandma (her mum) had passed away that if he found his grandmas spare mini cabinet in his room when he came home, he’d smash it to pieces” - he does occasionally shout at his mum and I know it’s bad but I’ve told him to calm down and he has. He does do errands for her most of the time.
  
• His behaviour towards strangers/workers. She commented on some of the stories I have told her about him. One being when he went to the dentist and they told him to brush more, he replied “how about you don’t tell me what to do and you do your job!”. The other being when he went to get my phone repaired for me and they couldn’t within a week, he demanded “that isn’t good enough, I want to talk to the manager!”. The last one being how he speaks down to my neighbours when they asked him not to park on the corner of a junction. He said “look here lady, I’ve had no problems parking here so I’m not going to move”.
  
• His habit of pushing me for time. I’ll admit he has got angry if I’m slightly late to things, like the one time I was 2minutes late and he had a go at me. He’s also very pushy when I stay at work to do overtime. He’ll text me to hurry up or to come home already. I really hate being pushed for time so I told him and he has calmed down with that behaviour since.
  
• the comments about her, I told him once that I wasn’t happy with her tone when she spoke to me one day. We went on a hike and it turned out to be pretty easy and dry. At the end of the hike, she said “there was no point in me buying all this gear then” which I thought was pretty snobby. She has been my best friend of 15years and has always been loyal to me. My boyfriend replied to this story with “I don’t understand why you’re friends with her, you shouldn’t be really” - “she’s weird”.
  
• He pushed my workplace male friend away, he started by saying how nice he was to me and how I should appreciate him then quickly switched up on him. Started to say a lot of hateful things towards him ultimately telling me it’s best for me to leave the workplace and find another job. I thought nothing of this because boyfriend jealousy is normal? I do remember having to call my work friend whenever I wasn’t home because my bf would get really mad if I mentioned him at home.
  
• She asked why my sister hates my boyfriend which I didn’t really have an answer to. She does but I think she’s just a man hater generally.
  
• How he’s always texting and calling me. I’ll be at work and he showers me with texts. Just normal texts in general though.
  
• How he lives with me at my parents house now. She said that any insidious behaviour from him is shallow and shielded right now as he can’t act out to the extent he wants in that environment. He did shout at me once when we had a disagreement and I cried all day as it brought up past trauma. I told his mum about it and she told him off and since then, it hasn’t happened.
  
• She said that he can be patronising, she’s met him and she’s seen how he talks to me. He talks in a very soft voice like I’m a child and then when I say something, he sometimes mocks my voice but in a teasing and jokey way. I have also tried to get advice from him and when I didn’t understand he said “how do you not understand, it’s not that hard” which did upset me at the time.
  
• He doesn’t like being teased, if I call him a teasy name, he says he doesn’t like it and sometimes gets moody.
  
• He doesn’t like being told what to do. Neither do I, so I thought this was normal?
  
• He will be moody and passive aggressive towards me if he has had a bad day at work. I do call him out on it and he normally stops.
  
• Lastly, he allowed my toxic ex to show up to my studio. My ex texted saying he was going to drop by with some leaflets and I told my boyfriend and he said it’s fine, let him and that he trusts me. Of course, I listened and the ex upset me so I ran home and my boyfriend held me and told me why the ex did what he did. My friend said this behaviour is abnormal, as first - he didn’t trust me when I mentioned this new male worker at all. Secondly, she said it seems he is using my trauma to gain a platform above me. Using it to gain more attention and need for him.
  

I say all of this as repeat from my friend, all of it is true but I cannot explain to you how much I love him. We have had down spells where I’ve felt like I could leave him and I have told him about it and everytime he cries so I decided to stay and fix things because no one has ever cried over me before. My friend says that the biggest worry is that my unhealed trauma means I don’t know what real love is and I’ve been normalised to this bad behaviour. I mentioned to her that I have had a couple suicidal thoughts, depressing episodes and an increase in stress. She also said I have low self esteem where I don’t think I’m good enough - she thinks I’m beautiful and amazing though. My boyfriend does compliment me every now and then but he’s more clingy and needy. I have bad nightmares about running away from things and a friend of mine who is a detective said that it sounds like I’m trapped. I think this id all past trauma and ptsd kicking in again as I see no real reason for my current relationship to be causing it.
I have no money, I’m terrible with it. My bf is the one with income and he allows me to indulge in my bad spending habits. He buys me gifts occasionally like clothing and jewellery which I think is sweet and thoughtful. We talk about the future a lot, when we’ll get married and have our own house. I remember asking him if we were meant to be and he said yes. I feel happy but my friend said the way I’m living life so down all the time isn’t normal, I don’t want to talk to my bf about it because I don’t want to ruin my happy place.
I do think he may be on the spectrum with autism as he does have one massive hobby he is absolutely addicted about.
This friend is the only one who I’ve told this much about my relationship to and I don’t know if to trust her or not. What do you think about my boyfriend?
Thanks

This isn’t my first post about this guy. We have been exclusive for almost 9 months. First issue was that he won’t add me on Facebook and blocked me when questioned which still has not been resolved. His reason was he doesn’t want drama over other women. (His ex is on there and others apparently)
He was seeing her just 3 months before him and I met and kept a friendship with her. Let me start by saying I am a very fair person but have boundaries about exes. After the 4th time I saw her name pop up while he was at my home I had a polite but stern conversation that I am not ok with my boyfriend having an emotional connection with his ex. He has said things like he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings by cutting her off before but agreed to stop talking to her. Fast forward a month later him and I just finished sex and her name is coming up as an incoming call again for the 5th time. It crushes me to see bc it means he never had the talk and doesn’t care about my boundary. We argue. He says “they have a closer connection bc she also has kids and can relate” now she’s “like a sister”. And I am overreacting bc it was just a call and he can’t help she calls. Next day I decide to look this girl up on Instagram and see on her public profile a distinct photo she posted taken on his property.. meaning he sent the exact same photo to her AND me 3am same night. Crushed. I felt sick.
When we tried to communicate about this issue he is horrible… tells me to get over it and bc I keep “causing drama” and “endless attacks” we are not compatible. So after a toxic text exchange I decide to go silent. Now he messages me everyday that he misses me, loves me.. and is trying to meet up again.
When someone repeatedly stomps on your boundaries is it OK to ghost, ignore? My mental health has tanked.

This isn’t my first post about this guy. We have been exclusive for almost 9 months. First issue was that he won’t add me on Facebook and blocked me when questioned which still has not been resolved. His reason was he doesn’t want drama over other women. (His ex is on there and others apparently)
He was seeing her just 3 months before him and I met and kept a friendship with her. Let me start by saying I am a very fair person but have boundaries about exes. After the 4th time I saw her name pop up while he was at my home I had a polite but stern conversation that I am not ok with my boyfriend having an emotional connection with his ex. He has said things like he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings by cutting her off before but agreed to stop talking to her. Fast forward a month later him and I just finished sex and her name is coming up as an incoming call again for the 5th time. It crushes me to see bc it means he never had the talk and doesn’t care about my boundary. We argue. He says “they have a closer connection bc she also has kids and can relate” now she’s “like a sister”. And I am overreacting bc it was just a call and he can’t help she calls. Next day I decide to look this girl up on Instagram and see on her public profile a distinct photo she posted taken on his property.. meaning he sent the exact same photo to her AND me 3am same night. Crushed. I felt sick.
When we tried to communicate about this issue he is horrible… tells me to get over it and bc I keep “causing drama” and “endless attacks” we are not compatible. So after a toxic text exchange I decide to go silent. Now he messages me everyday that he misses me, loves me.. and is trying to meet up again.
When someone repeatedly stomps on your boundaries is it OK to ghost, ignore? My mental health has tanked.