I have a Friend who is a Writter, but not only they never publish any of their stories. When we stop so they can tell the stories tho, it's always about their character's suffering even tho they don't deserve it. They also mention how every character is based on themselves, and I personally believe that's why they're all so perfect, They write them as themselves, but keeps the flaws out and the only way to make the character "interesting" for "The public" is to make them Suffer.
Some friends of them, Me and some of their Teachers have mentioned how they need to stop, but we all just talk about it because of the writing itself. We say people won't be interested in characters that suffer if EVERY character suffers. Is like that quote from Syndrome from the Incredibles (2004) "Everyone can be a super! And when everyone’s super… no one will be."
I personally find concerning because recently I figured this might be related to something more psychological than just artistical and I wanted to talk about it with someone who actually knows a thing or two about the human psychic and not just someone who will agree or disagree with everything I say about it like they do, by saying "The suffering is necessary for character development"
Plus, I don't know if this helps the case or not, But they also have a Fixation for the medieval times, all of their stories takes place there, even tho they don't really care, and still put some phones and technology on them

If there is someone else please choose her. I’m sick of being stuck on the sidelines of life waiting for you to catch up. I don’t feel like you want this marriage, and I’m pretty sure you’re manipulating it until I lose hope. After all we’ve been through…you, out of all people should know better.
I’m sure you are aware of my beliefs and morals in this situation you’ve created with your lack of care and indecision. The sneaking, lying, hiding things, is too much, I want to be able to trust my heart with you. These actions do not comfort me. I don’t feel my heart being safe in your hands, which is why I distance myself.
Why would you make me believe you were strong? Why would you not tell me that you are a coward when it comes to feelings and accountability? Why make me think you were the best man for me? Now disrespect, no human decency…So many masks.
For a long time I was confused and had a really hard time differentiating between who you were before we were married and who you are now. Now having time away from you…
The sacrifices I made were clear, and my intentions were never hidden from you.
I am a strong woman and don’t need a man, I wanted you to be part of our lives. Big difference between want and need.
I once said if I stopped fighting for this relationship it would die…look how it’s been, while the ball being in your court.
My efforts, sacrifices and willingness to help, fix or try to make it better haven’t done anything. Your lack of communication, compassion and willingness is showing me you don’t want this. Yet, why can’t you just be blunt and say it? Guilt? Embarrassment? Love is an action. After all, it is a verb.
If there is another…please, choose her…

First, for context; I was raised in a household where I would get either physically or mentally beaten if I did something wrong. For example, if I were to talk back to my mother she would mentally hurt me, which is why I have a low ego and constant suicidal thoughts. Now I'm an even worse person who gets mad every time someone comes into my room.
My mom believes that I am an asshole and I do too. I also get mad when anyone touches me without permission, causing me to flinch back and make them either worried or upset. I have lashed out at my own mother for touching me multiple times without permission and she tends to insult me when I do so.
I do have feelings, I'm not some emotionless person who doesn't care about anyone at all, (Not that people who hide their emotions are all like that) but I like to keep my bad emotions hidden since I used to get bullied for being the crybaby. My bad emotions are saved until I'm at home and reading, that's when I let all my bad emotions out. Nobody cares about how I'm doing (if I'm feeling bad), and I enjoy that lack of attention; which is why I like keeping my emotions hidden.
I found a quote that perfectly describes how I am in public: Chin up, Princess, or the crown slips. I'm not sure where it comes from, or who said it, but in my mind I'm always saying to myself Don't show your emotions, or you'll face bullying again. I hate myself for this, but I feel I should get over it.
Anyways, enough backstory, I just accidentally hurt my dog because I was mad, but gave her some treats right after because I felt bad. I feel like an asshole because I feel like I mentally hurt everyone around me. I don't deserve anyone who's nice to me because I just put on a mask so I can keep friends. I'm the definition of a faker and I don't get why I'm still alive if I just hurt everyone around me. I take everyone for granted and if they get mad at me my mask just slips off. The only negative emotion I show in public is anger and even when I do show my anger I just get backlash anyways so I always try to apologise either the next day or in the next 2 hours. Sorry to anyone who's actually taking time out of their day to read this, I know it's long. I've been forgotten by my father, who left when I was born; He doesn't even have partial custody and he forgot that I exist, leading him to forget my birthday last year. I'm basically the opposite of a narcissist, (for anyone reading this who doesn't know what a narcissist is: it's someone who has too high of an ego) meaning I hate everything about me, from my mind to my body to my personality to my life. I have thoughts of death every day and I know most people want long happy lives, but I don't.
I kind of just feel the want to get on a private jet as the pilot and purposely crash the plane.
I do self harm, but not cutting, I'll get into that later. I already have the tools to hurt myself. I sometimes pick at my body while finding everything that people hate about me, even if they don't say it. I honestly am a brat, and my mom is so helpful at cheering me up. Lies. She is awesome at making me feel better about myself. Lies. My dad is always there for me. Lies. My life is absolutely awesome. More lies. I honestly hate everything about me, like I already said. I feel like everyone I love is so happy and has a great life, other than this one friends of mine who is going through the same thing as me. We both seemed to have started getting suicidal thoughts for the same reasons. Our grandparents hate us (In my case grandparent) and they treat us like dog shit as if we're not human. We also started having these thoughts at the beginning of our fourth grade year (In which we were in the same class.) The only two things keeping me alive right now is that I'm a fucking pussy who can't act on her thoughts, and that I have things to research that I wish I had. A recent example was a study of skin cancer. I believe I have a disorder called Body Dysmorphia, meaning I see my body as a very disoriented version of it. People say I'm skinny but when I look in a mirror I see something different. I enjoy starving myself, which is one of the only types of self harm I do; The other type of self harm consists of picking at my skin with any objects that will pinch, basically I would use a crabs claw if I got that desperate to feel pain. Pain brings me joy for some reason. I'm not talented, I'm only skilled. I have nothing special to keep me going and I'm a financial burden on my already struggling mother. Sometimes I just think of killing myself but then I think about why my mom would think. All of her friends either forget about her, abandon her, or die.
I can't talk to my mom about anything, because she's not reliable with emotions. What I can rely on her to do is feed my want for my life to end quickly.

So I've never posted here before but this is an issue that has been sitting on my shoulders for a bit now. Recently I had a dream about a friend who I cut off last year and I've been thinking about reach out again. Things have changed but the fear I harbor just hasn't. For context unfortunately I have a long story to type. As recently I've recovered from a two year long stretch of extreme depression and well this happened during that time. Sorry.
Between the years of 2022 and 2023 my life basically spiraled down the toilet with no end in sight. One of my close friends died, my great uncle died, I lost two friends in ugly ways and honestly I'm better off from those two, and I also was stuck in an abusive (mentally, emotionally, and sexually) relationship with my now ex boyfriend. 2022 was hard. Harder than I've ever experienced and compared to that year the years of depression I'd experienced were honestly a cake walk of teenage bullshit.
The thing is I spirals so hard that at the beginning of 2023 I made an attempt on my life. I'm not proud of it. And since I've seen a few different professionals and admit I still have some therapy that I need to get. (It's just not cheap to see a therapist and a psychiatrist.) The reason this is important is because during this time we were still friends. Seemingly close friends and I talked to him a lot. Mind you my mental chaos can be hard to handle and I try to keep an open mind about people not wanna hear me go on about my misfortunes but I always have the mentality wanting them to tell me. Like let me know if I'm being to much and I'll pull back because I don't wanna overwhelm you. But this friend just let me go on and slowly seemed to just pull from me.
I felt that pull and changed tones with them. Focusing more on maybe us hanging out or how they were because I couldn't tell if it was me or if something was wrong. And I really cared about them, I still do I mean we'd been friends since middle school. We graduated high-school together back in 2015 this one someone I considered one of my best friends. But slowly I think I began to realize I wasn't theirs. It probably didn't help that we always had this will they won't that weird attraction to each other. And during this time he admitted it was still a thing but said it wouldn't work out because he considered me codependent. But even still went on to admit physical attraction to me later on which confused me more.
Regardless when all was said and done after the attempt I went and apologized to him because I'd lied and said I was okay when I wasn't. And when he told me that he knew? Well something inside me died. Something about him knowing I was tettering on the edge and just sitting and waiting because I wasn't woman enough to admit it felt weird. Because it wasn't a talk to me when you're ready it was more like if you won't just spit it out than I'm not gonna bother. With a mixture of that and his canceling of everytime we planned to hang out I let myself flip my lid. Naturally I went back and apologized but it didn't seem to have any affect anyway. Like it bad never happened. So I let myself fade away.
To this day I sometimes wonder if I even made the right choice. I mean I could have just asked him to tell me what's up. Or expressed the truth of the depth of my feelings when it felt like I was bring brushed off and the only conversations we could have were about the girls on his dating app possibly catfishing him. Or maybe I was right to assume he just didn't want me in his life anymore. I've just got myself all mixed up because he was one of the single most important people in my left to me. And the ghost of that still lingers.
TL;DR During a really depressing time a friend and I fell out of sync. Because I felt they didn't want me and my depression around anymore I made myself scarce. It's been a year but I still miss them and wonder if maybe I should grow a pair and reach out.

So I had this crazy nightmare where I was dreaming about a job request including a certain someone who I shouldn't think about at all. Because if I do I'll be so sad that I might die.
Basically, I was having a job interview and the female interviewer asked me why I didn't accept the job request when I had such a good run recently. I had flashbacks about some troublesome guy and who'd give his colleagues a hard time but he was my friend apparently. I think I was at a mechanical store or something?
Anyways, I stood there at the door entrance and saw myself in 3rd person and all of the sudden I felt my heart burst and I LITERALLY saw my own blood coming out of my mouth and grabbed my chest, sliding down the door and then dying. I transferred my consciousness into the 3rd person and saw how shocked the interviewer woman was before I woke up.
Now I have some weird cramps in my heart and also heard a very scary music like deep violas sounding like the ocean in my dream. Before the dream with the internet, I had an argument with my mom. We watched for some odd reason (I don't even watch Television in rlf AT ALL) and we saw how Lisa Simpson burried her friend alive and I for some reason pointed at the grave and said "This will be me soon too so you don't need to care about me anymore".
If I die - cheers guys.

Indigenous knowledge has been vital to the Pacific Islands, keeping civilization alive and running with specific traditions. Indigenous knowledge can be explained as institutionalised local information, built-up knowledge, and stories passed from one generation to another by word of mouth that have impacted socialisation processes (Osunade, 1994). Although indigenous knowledge is vital to the Pacific, a lot of the knowledge has been lost over time. Through discussion, we will find why the Pacific has been through a loss of indigenous knowledge overtime.
Globalisation is one of the many reasons for the loss of indigenous knowledge. This is due to the increased connectivity, modernisation, and spread of Western lifestyles. These factors have created pressure on traditional Pacific communities. An example of how this has happened is through the allure of Western education, careers, and consumerism. These ideals have drawn Pasifika peoples away from their indigenous ways of doing things, as the traditional way may pay less or be less efficient. This has led to the gradual erosion of interest and investment in preserving cultural practices and knowledge.
Migration, driven by opportunities of higher paying jobs or jobs in general and climate changes like the rising of the sea level, has become a defining factor for many Pacific Island communities. A 1988 study on households of Tongan and Samoan residents in Sydney found that “only ten percent of respondents intended to return to their island countries” (Dickie, 2005). The attraction of better jobs and living conditions often draws young people away from their homelands, setting in motion a process that disrupts the vital transmission of indigenous knowledge. This migration disrupts the intergenerational passing down of indigenous knowledge, as young people become disconnected from the land, sea, and cultural practices that underpin traditional knowledge systems.
In the 1870s speaking Te Reo Māori in schools was forbidden because Māori at the time thought it would be best to be taught only English and ridding the use of Te Reo Māori. “supplement the law forbidding the speaking of Maori in class, or in the school grounds in school hours, no person or parent can engage a child in speaking Maori, and in such cases, any child can inform on that person or parent to the Committee, who shall be empowered to fine that person or parent the sum of five shillings.” (Native Schools Act, 1867) The empowered Māori put this law in place to civilise the Māori youth and integrate them into the English system, which in return caused a great loss in our language. Because of this act the children moved to adulthood with a trauma that followed them with speaking their native tongue which also played a part in making Te Reo Māori a dying language at the time.
Education is crucial when it comes to the topic of saving indigenous knowledge. Young Pacific Islanders can gain a greater understanding of their cultural heritage by incorporating indigenous knowledge into formal education systems. Efforts that back local craftsmen, fishermen, and farmers in safeguarding traditional practices that help in the growth of indigenous knowledge. By supporting language immersion programs, we can protect this part of our Pacific island's culture. Another way we can safeguard our indigenous knowledge could be through online platforms where stories and legends could be shared to keep them alive. Creating story books of legends for young ones to read and having social events focused on spreading awareness of the loss of indigenous knowledge to motivate the newer generations to keep it alive.
Altugan (2015) found positive outcomes when teachers taught children with the same ethnic background. Through their commonality, the students were more motivated to do their work and achieved greater grades as they could learn about their culture and understand work through their similar cultural backgrounds. Having Pasifika people teach Pasifika youth about indigenous knowledge could positively impact youth and keep this knowledge alive for future generations as they may be more motivated and understood when indigenous knowledge is passed on through Pasifika people.
These practices and forms of preserving and teaching indigenous knowledge may impact the identity of Pasifika peoples. According to Correa Charles (1983), we find our identity through the knowledge and understanding of ourselves and our environment. As someone who may not know much of the indigenous history they are related to, figuring out more indigenous knowledge may help them feel as though more of their identity is found. This loss of indigenous knowledge may also be a loss of some Pasifika’s identity.
Due to the appeal of more Western cultures, indigenous knowledge needs to be recovered and constantly recognized to revitalise its importance for future generations. As discussed, multiple threats are found, which are reasons for the loss of indigenous knowledge. These serve as significant indicators of what to watch out for and work on towards the preservation of cultural practices. As there is already a loss of indigenous knowledge, specifically among the youth, the disconnection from their culture must be acted upon. As the youth are our future, they also hold the ability to keep or lose more indigenous knowledge. This means many efforts need to be made to preserve and teach to keep indigenous knowledge going for future generations

I have a fear of running into him in public, especially the thought of running into him if he's with his SO and kids. You'd think a year and some change in our situationship, this should have happened by now but surprisingly, it hasn't. so I ran into him a few hours ago and he was with his bother, we chopped the shit up, and I wished his brother a happy birthday, they paid for the wine I was buying but I got a genuine shock running into them. Just off seeing them, not because they tapped me on the shoulder or anything like that. Is it just me who has this worry/ paranoia? I had a visceral response I didn't expect, I can compare it to someone popping a balloon and the jolt that comes with the sound, I was shocked, shocked lol, we live in the same town and I used to see him every other time before this but now just because we're sleeping with each other, I respond this way?
Like I said, it's his brother's birthday so I know they're having a jolly time right now , he told me that he's expecting a full house so I guess that means friends and his SO and kids are out there, living it up. It's something I've had to suck up before but usually, we'd be NC leading up to and during because of my tantrums, Its the first time I have been okay w/ no tantrums for birthdays/holidays and I'm not sure how I feel. I've come to accept I don't share special days with him but what happens if I run into him and his SO w/ the kids? I'll die of shock if today's jolter is any indicator
I'm not scared of being 'found out', I'm scared to find out how he will react when he runs into me while with his SO, For those who have gone through this already, what can I expect his reaction to be?

Brothers, sisters, visitors especially, Thank you all for opening this. It’s my prayer that you will read through all of this and remember who we are in Christ, especially in these days.
I was online the other day, and was just glancing over a thread and noticed out of no where, people were arguing about the topic of God. Just, general topic, you know how things go online.
There was one person who said, “love is the answer. It’s why Jesus came and to die for us. It’s all about loving one another.” To which I thought, ah yes that’s the greatest commandment of all. But she really didn’t say anything else of value. Yes, love, the greatest fruit of the spirit, the great commandment is love one another, the best part of living with others may be to show their love to each other. But she kind of hid behind saying that and nothing else.
Another was quoting verbatim the KJV versions of some of our greatest verses, and nothing else. Just kind of saying the words, no connection. It brought me back to Paul who reminds us to be tasteful in our interactions with nonbelievers so that we might be heard in a genuine way, and possibly plant the seeds of salvation.
Another, nonbeliever, was throwing out his concerns on why or why not they weren’t participating in the conversation of faith at all.
.
I want to talk about the fundamentals of our belief. As followers of Jesus, children of God, vessels of the Holy Spirit, there should be the understanding of why we believe without the answer having anything to do with tradition, or culture. We should have a basic understanding as to why the gospel is truth. We cannot be the foundation who was tossed away because of the wind. Spiritually, our wisdom must be current, and in tune with the Holy Spirit, and the fundamentals. Otherwise, we choose our own wisdom over the truth and what? God gives us to our own wisdoms leading us to foolishness? A basic understanding and capability to answer basic questions of our faith is just as important if not more than our works. Faith without works is dead, but an eager tongue with no wisdom will lead to failure and destruction.
If you’re still reading this with open ears and open eyes, I thank you. I am only the vessel of this truth and have been given the discernment to decipher it, and the ability to write it.
1) ((This is the one relevant to Gods might, wonder, creativity)): God created all things, with His word. The first 5 days of creation He finished and he said “it was good”, (Genesis 1). In the beginning of all of it, was His word, and everything that is was created by Him and nothing was created without Him, (John 1). God, with his spirit, created all.
2) ((This one is relevant to humankind being favored and loved by God)): God created man on the 6th day and he calls it “very good”. The only time in this story of creation where something is very good, not just good. Sees man is alone and says that is not good. Puts him in a deep sleep, takes his side (‘selah,’ also used in the Hebrew to describe the “side of the mountain, the “side of the ark of the covenant) and makes woman, as an ally in this life.
3) ((This one is relevant to Jesus’ role)): Adam and Eve lived in Eden, and God walked amongst them. Man was meant to be with God, and worship Him and love Him. God had created us for that andd the way we were able to was by the garden. Eden was our bridge between God and earth where we were mean to live freely, perfectly and with God. The bridge to God was broken, from the fall, through disobedience and from the moment of the fall God foretells of another way back to Him.
We all know the line. “I will send the seed of a woman to crush the head of the serpent…”— which on its own one might ask why? The answer is because this is the moment death enters. From the fall and on, we were no longer bridged to spiritual life or God at all. We were trapped on this side of existence away from spiritual life, God, Eden. So it HAD to be the seed of the woman. It had to be in our realm of reality, we were no longer on that side of reality.
Next, “the serpent will wound the heel”, representing that the man will suffer. It will be a wound.
It’s a rule of creation, all life needs blood to live. And since we have forfeited our spiritual life in Eden where we’re meant to be, to have physical life, we have no blood to live and we are dead spiritually without believing in the fact that the blood of Christ replaces ours. Think back to the creation story: “God breathed life into adam…” it was the ‘ruach’, or the spirit, that livened adam whom was formed from the ‘adama’, or the ground, and had his ‘dam’, or blood, to keep him alive. God, who is one with His Word, is the giver of life, and is the Truth.
Foreshadowed by Moses, unbeknownst to him, recorded in Numbers concerning the bronze snake, & the rock and the water (both times, first the strike representing the crucifixion and second representing the spoken confirmation—where Moses failed btw).
And so Jesus comes to fulfill that prophetic word from God. A) come to our plane of reality because we fell off His B) crush the head of Satan/serpent—destroying the power of death, and the power of the fall. C) dying—it is the blood that gives life, without blood we cannot live. D) giving us the Holy Spirit—when God gave Adam blood to live, He also gave him His ‘ruach’ to breathe. And so it is the exact same thing as now, with clean blood from Jesus to live AND the Spirit, or ‘ruach’, to breathe.
Jesus says “I AM the way” for this reason. He is the bridge from humanity to God, just like Eden.
Amen, I thank you father for your holy wisdom and I pray that someone who you needed to understand the details closely finally sees. I pray your will be done in all things. Amen.

Sorry about format, as I'm on mobile. I'd get some snacks and a drink, cause this is gonna be a decent sized one. This is pretty much about my entire life. Also, I have mental health and sometimes add too many details to things. I kinda over share, so apologise if that happens. Me(F) my mom(F) sister(F)
My entire life, I have felt less than when it comes to my mom. It's pretty obvious my sister is the favorite child. Ever since she was born, I was put on a back burner. Then my brother was born, and it got even worse. (My brother is an amazing man, so I don't fault him for anything at all. He's pretty much my unofficial child. I will die for him.) When I was 3, my bio dad died. I did get checks every month for survivors checks, but when I turned 18, I never saw any of it. I understand that she needed it for me while I was a minor, but once I turned 18, it was supposed to actually go to me. I was still in my last year of high school, so it didn't stop til I graduated. If I would have gotten those checks, I would be way farther in life. My mom got with my siblings dad when I was around 4 or 5. That's where the abuse came in. She got pregnant with my sister, and pretty much made me the clown. My sister's dad was a Dr*g addict, and would go on binges, leaving me home alone to watch my siblings, while Mom was at work. I was 6 at this point. Granted, she did call the police and he got charged with 3 counts of child endangerment. (My brother was born at this point). Then, she stayed with him, even though he left us like that. When I was 9 was when I found out about my dad. She wasn't even going to tell me about him, but she had to, cause my grandma filed for grandparents rights. Mom didn't even tell me. Siblings dad is the one to sit me down. That's when my mental health started to really show. I was 9 and finding out the man that I called dad, wasn't actually my dad, and my real dad is never meet cause he's dead. My soul broke that day. Fast forward a few months and I get a puppy for my birthday. It pooped in the house, and G(siblings dad) was so irate, he left the puppy outside in the middle of the night, during the winter... He killed my dog. It was maybe 15° F that night. I woke up the next morning to mom telling me the dog ate paint off the wall ... She did, but the bite marks were there from a week prior. I was 9, not stupid. I saw through her lies. Fast forward again. They end up separating. He had gotten upset, then kidnapped my siblings taking them to a completely different state. He finally came back, and was in jail for 6 months. After he got out .. she got back with him. The final straw happened a few years later. When I was probably 8-10 can't remember exactly how old, I was having issues with my math homework. I have major dyslexia with numbers(can't remember the actual name) and math was my worst subject because of that. I was frustrated cause I just couldn't understand the math homework, so I crumpled the paper. (I was a kid. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did.) She got up, and started to hit me. She was smacking my arms, and had me pinned down to the couch. I turned my head and she hit my nose hard enough for it to gush blood. (Granted I could flick my nose and it'd bleed, but I digress). Then, I had "played" with a belt with her and G, and one of them(can't remember who) was hitting me with another one. I didn't understand at the time, but we was all smacking each other with belts, tryna hit the others the hardest. (My lord I just realized how bad that actually was.) I went to school the next day, and had a few welts on my arms. Went to the nurse for some ice, and got asked who did it. I explained what happened, and cps got called. I didn't know, but I got home and got screamed at by G. He was in my face, so close I could smell his breath and feel his spittle hitting my face. Then my mom said it wasn't them, but my sister who scratched me. (It wasn't a scratch. It was a welt clearly from a belt.) There's probably more, but my brain made me forget to protect my sanity. Fast forward, she is finally away from him. Then she gets with my now step dad. I was 12 at the time. He was an okay guy. He has 5 kids. Well, of course I was the built in babysitter. I am the oldest out of all 8 of us kids. I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends as much as I should have been growing up, cause I was always the one to be the second parent to them. That's when my mental health started to get severe. I started self harming at 13. It would get so bad. Nothing of significance really happened between then til I was 16. (That I can remember. Thanks brain for protecting me.) I get into highschool. Freshman year. I'm finally able to start hanging out with friends more often. I end up having sex(I was coerced, wanted to wait til I was on bc, but I finally gave in. Shouldn't have, but it's whatever. I'm over it now.) Wasn't on birth control and didn't wear a condom. Had a scare I may have been pregnant. Mom finds out, gets a test and takes me to my grandma's to take it. She berates me in front of my grandparent and my aunt and cousins. Thankfully it was negative. Fast forward to when I was 16. Got my first job. Finally I'm old enough to make my own money. Well, I can't even spend my checks the way I wanted to. Majority of them went to her. I gave her prob 85 percent of my checks. I wanted to save for a car. Couldn't. (Not that it mattered. Didn't get my license til I was 23... I'm 27 now.) Kept getting my temps, only to never practice. Yet, when my sister is 18, she takes her out to drive and helps her get her license. But, whatever. Finally I graduate, and all I get is a gift card(I'm thankful of course. I'm not stingy, I just have envy from all the things my sister got, that I didn't.) Sister got a full blown party. Every single person I have been romantically with, she would put in my head that they aren't good enough. So much so, I thought I would never be with someone who genuinely loved me. (I have that now, so shout out to my amazing fiance.) I'm still cutting on a daily basis at this point. Cut from the ages of 12 to 20. I'd still be, if I wasn't with my fiance. (I was didn't sewer slide myself and actually did it right this time, anyway. Tried 5 times. Thankfully I failed each time.) I have bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression and ADHD. Not once did she take me to get health. She always dismissed me when I would try and talk to her about it, so I just kept to myself. It took my fiance's mom to take me and get me the help I needed. I barely graduated cause I just didn't care in 9th and 10th grade. I felt like I wasn't going to live past high school anyway, so why should I care? 11th grade comes up and working had actually given me motivation to keep going. (Plus I started smoking the devil's lettuce, so I was feeling better mentally.) Turn 18 and I move out. Ended up losing my job I had then, and go down a spiral. I got addicted to alcohol and pills for a couple of weeks. Not enough for withdrawals, but it was still bad. Thankfully I woke up one day and realized what I was doing. (I'll give her this, I called and she immediately came to get me so I could get out of that situation.) Fast forward more, I move out again, but just down the street. I'm now 19 and start dating my now fiance. We have been together 8 years and I barely talk to her anymore. Esp this past year. I don't really message her first anymore. I've gone 6 or more months without talking to her. Shoot, without talking to anyone in my family. Fiance's parents get me the mental health I needed. Get diagnosed with depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. I've told Mom I have bipolar since I was 16 and she just dismissed me, saying it's my hormones. (Jokes on her) About 4 years in, she starts telling me I need to find someone else to be with. He isn't good enough for me. (Yeah, like the rest weren't. No one is good enough for her.) It gets to the point I had to tell her and my sister both to stop, or I was gonna cut them out of my life completely. (Should have, looking back, but we learn.) They stop for a while. Sister is now showing her true colors. She's a narcissist and gaslighter, just like her father. She cannot own up to her mistakes, what so ever. She gets into an accident, not her fault. She gets into a fight she started, not her fault. Can't hold down a job, not yet fault. (I've had trouble holding down a job as well, but I'm getting better. I finally got diagnosed with ADHD and am in meds, so I'm not feeling impulsive as bad. Id switch jobs pretty frequently, due to the better sounding one. It's still affecting me to this day, but I'm seeing a change in my mind. Just gotta push through a bit more. Not blaming it on my ADHD, but the disease doesn't make it easier.) Mom has gotten sister a job with her at every single job she's had the past 4 years. Sister ruins it for mom, cause sister can't stand mom not paying attention to her, or doing everything for sister. Sister has bad anxiety, and uses it as an excuse to keep mom working. Sister wants all the pay of being a manager, without actually doing the manager duties. Sister always tells me I need to dress better. Says i "need to look more presentable and not like a slob". I wear skinny jeans and a Tshirt usually. Frequently, I'll wear sweats if I'm just going to moms and not going out. I like being comfy. Constantly criticizing me for every single thing I do. Finally mom says she realizes how bad she has treated me throughout my life. I forgave her a long time ago. Gets to the point mom says she wouldn't have anything to do with sister, if she wasn't her kid. Thought things were gonna change. Clearly not. Mom and sister both get another new job, the same job. Again. It's like nothing has changed since that conversation. Still barely talk to her, and everything. Last time I hung out with them, it was for only 3 hours. THREE HOURS. yet, I had anxiety and panic attacks from that small amount of time, for the next 3 days... I can't do this anymore, but I feel SO freaking guilty for even considering this. I love my mom and sister. I want them in my life, but I can't keep feeling like this. My mental health is always needing to be restarted after being around them. It's like I go back to that 12 year old me and want to self harm all over again. I'm now almost 10 years clean from it. There is no longer any scars, and I'm happier now. I just can't help but to feel I should just suck it up and "get over it". I know this is rediculously long, so if you've read this far, thank you. I just need some other people's perspective that isn't biased and I feel you guys are the best chance for that. I'm really struggling on what to do and feel so guilty for even typing this stuff out. My worst fear is disappointing her, yet I do every day. I also really hate confrontation. I'll do whatever it takes to avoid it, but I just can't anymore. I've always wondered how life would be if my dad was alive. I don't remember him, but I can still say I miss him. I miss the opportunities that I didn't get growing up.
Thank you guys. I'll take whatever you guys throw at me. I just want to see if my feelings are valid or not. This is literally causing me pain. I need help.

I’m mixed with 4 different things but come out more black presenting if that makes sense with yellow skin and curly hair. Unfortunately, I’ve had the unpleasant multiple experiences of attracting weird black people especially the dark skin black ones (and recently a very very weird fair skin black guy who felt the need to approve and prove his blackness by constantly using the n word (which I don’t even use) and acting like a stereotype, felt the need to comment on my appearance over and over again , how I look blasian and would not stop even after I would say that I am not blasian?l and went in on skin colour (even though he is much lighter than I am?????) ). I find that in my experiences, I find that a good amount of black people especially men as I am a man myself in university, tend to not like me. I do get the death stares , looked at side ways, looked at up and down , sometimes they would kiss their teeth at me or even spit on the floor after looking at me.
At university events , I find that many dark skin black men particularly in non academic events (so the studious bunch aren’t there but more the party sociable people) tend to exclude me and not include me. I almost have to make extra conscious effort just to be included. I don’t like it and so this leaves my being excluded from much socializing with dark skin black men as they form their own groups with other dark skin black men or occasionally will accept a white or Asian guy as their friend (occasionally their friends are largely dark skin black men but if there’s a female they welcome different shades of women) but I am left out especially as i am guessing that it is because I do not at all conform to the black man stereotype if you get what I mean. The stereotype of barely able to speak well (a number of people have actually said I am well spoken) , dressing very street with a durag , taper cut / fades , doing drugs, listening only to hip hop/rap (I sometimes listen to Spanish and French rock and I had one dark skin black guy tell me that black people don’t listen to rock? I listen to all types of music but mostly afrobeats , amapiano , French hip hop / RnB (I go to school in an anglophone area, so many don’t listen to French stuff here), rock, Moroccan music etc).
The way I dress is a mixture of kind of preppy kind of casual , more on the well put together refined side if that makes sense (even when it’s more street there’s a difference between how they dress and how I dress if that makes sense). These guys often tend to dress more street if that makes sense and I don’t know why but when I am in their setting , there’s already a dislike they have towards me and they often would rather speak to a white or Asian guy and not speak to me even if we are all new there. Or sometimes if they do speak to me, they see that I am not a stereotype and the conversation will die out quickly.
With black women i tend to find that dark skin black women socialize with me more than lighter skin or mixed race black women. In these encounters there’s often a conversation about hair , some outright vocally say, I wish I had your hair or feel the need to comment about my hair ? Some are rude and hostile towards me for no reason , I can just meet some and I am dealing with attitude from the get go which is annoying for me especially as someone who comes from a background of having a narcissistic abusive family , attitude is not something I like dealing with people right off the bat. It’s definitely a lot more of a pleasant experience than dealing with a lot of black men. I find that dealing with a number of black people, I am more likely to get along with the women over the men, but as a whole I feel like many black people do not like me , I don’t get along with many I tend to meet (with the exception of the ones who are straight from Africa and haven’t been westernized much if at all, those ones are a lot better encounters for me).
Any insights ? Has anyone else also experienced this as well or no?

I had this sermon yesterday, and it helped me collate my thoughts
For the everyone, Christianity isn't a self-help or a religion that makes you feel good. It is a faith that is real. Sharing the word and preaching may not turn the hearts of others. You need to clarify the non-believers' doubts. However, this is for everyone to read.
Science doesn't argue that God isn't real. God and science aren't enemies. They are in fact allies. God made science and science proves of God is existence.
1) Faith and science are complementary.
John 4:21-24 describes the Samaritan woman asking Jesus which is mountain/temple is the right place to seek God. Jesus instead tells her how God is spiritual. Heaven and hell are not physical locations, but a spiritual location. Therefore you need to connect to God spiritually.
Science cannot prove about why the existence of any number. For example, why is 7 seven and not 1 or 2 or 3? Science only assumes numbers. What about right and wrongs? We know that they are real things. We believe they are factual. But right and wrongs differ from person to person. Science can not scientifically prove what is right and what is wrong. Science is used to prove the physical and not physical world. But science also cannot prove science. For example science cannot prove where an atom is from. People say the Big Bang, but what caused it to happen(explained later)? God is beyond the physical world. So science is to study the physical world, whereas faith is to know the spiritual world.
2) Faith provides a basis for science
Science is to prove a principle of a law. But you need to assume that this law exists in the first place because if it doesn't then results are unattainable. This is a hypothesis. If the experimental results are achieved, then the law is true. However, when the results cannot be obtained, the law either is false or needs further proving. But He separated the dry land from water as can be seen in Psalm 105:5-9. The waters flowed over the mountains, went into valleys and He set a boundary they cannot cross and would never again cover earth. Same again in the story of Noah. And also can be seen in Genesis 1 when the world was just water. Before He made these boundaries, the waters were chaotic and with no order. God gave order.
In fact there are also many many famous scientists out there who used the Bible for their hypothesis and so far they are all correct. Johannes Kepler said that he was was merely thinking God's thoughts after Him. Isaac Newton said he studied the Bible to prove scientific theories. However, what the Bible says that is in the later part before the end, that cannot be proven yet. Other than that, God made the world follow a fixed law. Therefore, Christianity is a faith with science to prove that it is true. This leads to the last point
3) Science provides evidence for the Christian faith
Romans 1:18-20 says ‭" [18] For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, [19] because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. [20] For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse". This shows that there is so much evidence of God in the world like science and the miracles done. So how can God not have the rights to condemn someone to hell? It isn't because He remained hidden and they didn't have the opportunity to know Him. They closed their hearts and believe in His works but not Him. They have everything around them to prove God exists, but they do not heed.
Psalm 8:3-4 shows us the magnitude and power of God. But there would be critics who disagree because we jump into conclusions and "assume" it's right. What if there is an argument to prove that it is right and it in fact is God's powers?
Kalama Cosmological Argument states: 1. Everything must have a cause. 2. The universe began to exist 3. (if the first 2 points make sense which they do, then) Therefore, the universe must have a cause
The Kalam Cosmological Argument can be used on Islam and Christianity but the Christian God is the true God. In Islam, Muhammad was not the Son of God. He was just a prophet. Neither did he die on the cross for the people to redeem their sins. And I don't need to talk about the kids he married. It's pedophilia and there's no argument that that is very wrong. God is righteous and His son should be righteous as well. We know Jesus was righteous and has never sinned. He bored the cross for our shame and suffered to redeem us. This is the real Son of God. Therefore, only our Christian God is true. The gods of other religions cannot exist because of the Kalam Argument that we can agree is true.
The Big Bang, which people argue that this is how God doesn't exist, was only proven in 2003. Do I believe in the Big Bang? Yes. But you see, science is to study the physical world (definition: the systematic study of the structure and behaviour of the physical and natural world through observation, experimentation, and the testing of theories against the evidence obtained). Science only can be used to study the physical world. So the world cannot make the world because the world is science but science cannot make science. In that way, something external must be making the Big Bang happen. So who is this Someone who is external?
Using the Kalam Argument, we can come to a conclusion that 1. The Creator must be extremely powerful to create the world. 2. The Creator has to be non-physical for the world cannot make the world reason. 3. The Creator must be eternal. If not something else would have made Him, thus He would have a beginning. But He cannot have a cause, but cause a cause unless the cause is a person which cannot be true. Complicated to read but try to understand. This sounds like our God that we read about in Gensis! People don't believe because they don't want to, not because they didn't have more than enough evidence to know of God's evidence.
Next, God can use something natural and unnatural to create something. For example, the Red Sea turning red was proven to be because of sediments in the water. And so were the rest of the plague. But the destroyer was a curse (a really bad miracle) and isn't natural. So was Jesus when He went around to heal the sick, blind, deaf, mute, lame, and the possessed. A miracle = cannot be proven by science and totally unrelated to science. Who else can create miracles but by Someone not in the physical world? The consistency in the miracles cannot be a chance. It is the God factor. This can be proven by the Teleolgical Argument.
The Teleolgical Argument says that: 1. The fine-tuning of the universe is due to physical necessity or chance or design (proven by biology, physics or scientific experiments multiple times and would be explained after this) 2. It is not due to physical necessity or chance because unless the universe has a mind then it knows its necessities. And chances are so hard to come by (said later) 3. Thus the universe has to be designed (by God)
Like y=mx+c or other formulas with a constant inside. Gravity, speed of light in vacuum and other laws are also constant.
Now to answer "Can it be by chance?" The answer is 99.999999% no. But let me add that little 0.000001 to prove the God factor. Stephen Hawking said if time at the beginning slowed by 10¹⁰⁰ seconds, the universe would be dead. How can a chance be so accurate? How can there be a chance with such an unspeakable number without a design given? For example, you find an iPhone in the desert and you say its because the winds and weather conditions had assembled and put it together, and Steve Jobs picked it up. So with LOGICAL CONCLUSION, it can be said that there is a Designer to design the universe. According to the first law of thermodynamics, something cannot exist without being created from existing energy. The law states that energy cannot be created or destroyed and Einstein established that energy and mass (the two essense of existence) are essentially the same. But why does God not need a creator? Because the creator would be greater than God. Then won't we worship that creator instead? But thermodynamics only apply to our world. We often forget that God is of a spiritual world and He is eternal, hence, He doesn't need or have a creator.
In conclusion, science and faith are not compatible. That's too weak a word. Science and faith are complementary. Thus, do not disbelieve in God and only believe in science or vice versa. You need something that you can rely on that doesn't change. A constant. Then you might ask why do we believe in a book? We don't believe in book. It's the faith we believe in that is true. As science cannot prove science, the Bible cannot prove the Bible. But so far all the things the Bible was true, even before science had proven these. And those not of science are miracles or not proven yet. If you cannot debut these reasonings, then it only means God is true and that you should start believing in Him. Psalm 8:1-9 shows the magnitude and power of God. Science isn't something we should use to doubt God but to marvel and appreciate the works, even to the finest detail, of God and His designs. Gensis 1:26 says "[26] Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” ". We have dominion over the world as through science and the manipulation of science helps us understand God at a deeper scale. Your faith must have a deeper intellectual evidence. What reflects God's words or existence? I know that all He has said and still says has come true and thus will also come true. I know this because I see His works through History, Science etc. Build a faith with facts and knowledge but also with belief. You can further read things to strengthen your faith, like Reasonable Faith(or William Lane Craig, his youtube channel if you hate reading a lot, but since you got this far then maybe you do like reading), or books from Timothy Keller and C.S Lewis.
I would say that faith by knowledge is to accept in God and faith by feelings is to strengthen our love for God. I pray that we would have more brothers and sisters as well who would come to God through all these factors and we would have the brothers and sisters we lost to come back to God. In Jesus's most precious name I pray, Amen.

I had this sermon yesterday, and it helped me collate my thoughts
For the everyone, Christianity isn't a self-help or a religion that makes you feel good. It is a faith that is real. Sharing the word and preaching may not turn the hearts of others. You need to clarify the non-believers' doubts. However, this is for everyone to read.
Science doesn't argue that God isn't real. God and science aren't enemies. They are in fact allies. God made science and science proves of God is existence.
1) Faith and science are complementary.
John 4:21-24 describes the Samaritan woman asking Jesus which is mountain/temple is the right place to seek God. Jesus instead tells her how God is spiritual. Heaven and hell are not physical locations, but a spiritual location. Therefore you need to connect to God spiritually.
Science cannot prove about why the existence of any number. For example, why is 7 seven and not 1 or 2 or 3? Science only assumes numbers. What about right and wrongs? We know that they are real things. We believe they are factual. But right and wrongs differ from person to person. Science can not scientifically prove what is right and what is wrong. Science is used to prove the physical and not physical world. But science also cannot prove science. For example science cannot prove where an atom is from. People say the Big Bang, but what caused it to happen(explained later)? God is beyond the physical world. So science is to study the physical world, whereas faith is to know the spiritual world.
2) Faith provides a basis for science
Science is to prove a principle of a law. But you need to assume that this law exists in the first place because if it doesn't then results are unattainable. This is a hypothesis. If the experimental results are achieved, then the law is true. However, when the results cannot be obtained, the law either is false or needs further proving. But He separated the dry land from water as can be seen in Psalm 105:5-9. The waters flowed over the mountains, went into valleys and He set a boundary they cannot cross and would never again cover earth. Same again in the story of Noah. And also can be seen in Genesis 1 when the world was just water. Before He made these boundaries, the waters were chaotic and with no order. God gave order.
In fact there are also many many famous scientists out there who used the Bible for their hypothesis and so far they are all correct. Johannes Kepler said that he was was merely thinking God's thoughts after Him. Isaac Newton said he studied the Bible to prove scientific theories. However, what the Bible says that is in the later part before the end, that cannot be proven yet. Other than that, God made the world follow a fixed law. Therefore, Christianity is a faith with science to prove that it is true. This leads to the last point
3) Science provides evidence for the Christian faith
Romans 1:18-20 says ‭" [18] For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, [19] because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. [20] For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse". This shows that there is so much evidence of God in the world like science and the miracles done. So how can God not have the rights to condemn someone to hell? It isn't because He remained hidden and they didn't have the opportunity to know Him. They closed their hearts and believe in His works but not Him. They have everything around them to prove God exists, but they do not heed.
Psalm 8:3-4 shows us the magnitude and power of God. But there would be critics who disagree because we jump into conclusions and "assume" it's right. What if there is an argument to prove that it is right and it in fact is God's powers?
Kalama Cosmological Argument states: 1. Everything must have a cause. 2. The universe began to exist 3. (if the first 2 points make sense which they do, then) Therefore, the universe must have a cause
The Kalam Cosmological Argument can be used on Islam and Christianity but the Christian God is the true God. In Islam, Muhammad was not the Son of God. He was just a prophet. Neither did he die on the cross for the people to redeem their sins. And I don't need to talk about the kids he married. It's pedophilia and there's no argument that that is very wrong. God is righteous and His son should be righteous as well. We know Jesus was righteous and has never sinned. He bored the cross for our shame and suffered to redeem us. This is the real Son of God. Therefore, only our Christian God is true. The gods of other religions cannot exist because of the Kalam Argument that we can agree is true.
The Big Bang, which people argue that this is how God doesn't exist, was only proven in 2003. Do I believe in the Big Bang? Yes. But you see, science is to study the physical world (definition: the systematic study of the structure and behaviour of the physical and natural world through observation, experimentation, and the testing of theories against the evidence obtained). Science only can be used to study the physical world. So the world cannot make the world because the world is science but science cannot make science. In that way, something external must be making the Big Bang happen. So who is this Someone who is external?
Using the Kalam Argument, we can come to a conclusion that 1. The Creator must be extremely powerful to create the world. 2. The Creator has to be non-physical for the world cannot make the world reason. 3. The Creator must be eternal. If not something else would have made Him, thus He would have a beginning. But He cannot have a cause, but cause a cause unless the cause is a person which cannot be true. Complicated to read but try to understand. This sounds like our God that we read about in Gensis! People don't believe because they don't want to, not because they didn't have more than enough evidence to know of God's evidence.
Next, God can use something natural and unnatural to create something. For example, the Red Sea turning red was proven to be because of sediments in the water. And so were the rest of the plague. But the destroyer was a curse (a really bad miracle) and isn't natural. So was Jesus when He went around to heal the sick, blind, deaf, mute, lame, and the possessed. A miracle = cannot be proven by science and totally unrelated to science. Who else can create miracles but by Someone not in the physical world? The consistency in the miracles cannot be a chance. It is the God factor. This can be proven by the Teleolgical Argument.
The Teleolgical Argument says that: 1. The fine-tuning of the universe is due to physical necessity or chance or design (proven by biology, physics or scientific experiments multiple times and would be explained after this) 2. It is not due to physical necessity or chance because unless the universe has a mind then it knows its necessities. And chances are so hard to come by (said later) 3. Thus the universe has to be designed (by God)
Like y=mx+c or other formulas with a constant inside. Gravity, speed of light in vacuum and other laws are also constant.
Now to answer "Can it be by chance?" The answer is 99.999999% no. But let me add that little 0.000001 to prove the God factor. Stephen Hawking said if time at the beginning slowed by 10¹⁰⁰ seconds, the universe would be dead. How can a chance be so accurate? How can there be a chance with such an unspeakable number without a design given? For example, you find an iPhone in the desert and you say its because the winds and weather conditions had assembled and put it together, and Steve Jobs picked it up. So with LOGICAL CONCLUSION, it can be said that there is a Designer to design the universe. According to the first law of thermodynamics, something cannot exist without being created from existing energy. The law states that energy cannot be created or destroyed and Einstein established that energy and mass (the two essense of existence) are essentially the same. But why does God not need a creator? Because the creator would be greater than God. Then won't we worship that creator instead? But thermodynamics only apply to our world. We often forget that God is of a spiritual world and He is eternal, hence, He doesn't need or have a creator.
In conclusion, science and faith are not compatible. That's too weak a word. Science and faith are complementary. Thus, do not disbelieve in God and only believe in science or vice versa. You need something that you can rely on that doesn't change. A constant. Then you might ask why do we believe in a book? We don't believe in book. It's the faith we believe in that is true. As science cannot prove science, the Bible cannot prove the Bible. But so far all the things the Bible was true, even before science had proven these. And those not of science are miracles or not proven yet. If you cannot debut these reasonings, then it only means God is true and that you should start believing in Him. Psalm 8:1-9 shows the magnitude and power of God. Science isn't something we should use to doubt God but to marvel and appreciate the works, even to the finest detail, of God and His designs. Gensis 1:26 says "[26] Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” ". We have dominion over the world as through science and the manipulation of science helps us understand God at a deeper scale. Your faith must have a deeper intellectual evidence. What reflects God's words or existence? I know that all He has said and still says has come true and thus will also come true. I know this because I see His works through History, Science etc. Build a faith with facts and knowledge but also with belief. You can further read things to strengthen your faith, like Reasonable Faith(or William Lane Craig, his youtube channel if you hate reading a lot, but since you got this far then maybe you do like reading), or books from Timothy Keller and C.S Lewis.
I would say that faith by knowledge is to accept in God and faith by feelings is to strengthen our love for God. I pray that we would have more brothers and sisters as well who would come to God through all these factors and we would have the brothers and sisters we lost to come back to God. In Jesus's most precious name I pray, Amen.

I (30F) am thinking that I need to divorce my husband (31M) after an 8 yr relationship. We've always had a somewhat rocky sexual relationship, it's either AMAZING or really bad. We both have gained relationship weight but I have never been a small woman. Even at the start of our relationship when I was in great shape he would say I needed to do more to get him going or that I was boring in bed. I have also always been a very sexual person. I have a high sex drive and enjoy sexting and sending him my nudes, once upon a time he enjoyed doing these things with me and after a few months of weird sex we started having amazing sex. But the longer we have been together the less and less interested in those things he's become and it feels like I've only gotten kinkier.
We had a miscarriage about a year ago and we just haven't been the same since. We got in a fight recently and he said to me in a fit of rage, "I would be happy to come home and find you fucking someone else because that would mean I didn't have too." It completely crushed me and broke my heart. In that moment I felt there was truly no hope for our relationship. He expressed that I was being too forward and coming onto him too much and he wasn't very attracted to me and that maybe if I tried harder or lost some weight it would be different. He asked that I stop coming onto him so much and find another outlet for my pent up sexual tensions.
In a laspe of better judgment I found a sex chat and started sexting with someone who meshed with all of my kinks in an effort to make myself feel better. It worked, I felt great about myself, this person desired me so much and the chats were so hot. But I cannot morally get over what I've done, just because my husband hurt me didn't mean I should have resorted to sexting someone else, it was rash and impulsive so I stopped. But suddenly my husband was all over me and being so forward I sent him a few of my pics one day and then boom, he was right back to being distant and uninterested. He came home and told me I was being too horny because I sent him a boob pic.
I confronted him about what he said and how it made me feel, I told him I was finding different outlets for my sexual tension and he said it was working and that's why he was so much more attracted to me. Now I have no idea what to do. I am a cheater, I sent someone else my pics and shared my dirty thoughts with them, but somehow it improved my sex life with my husband? The better this other person makes me feel about myself, the worse I feel about using it as an outlet. I want that reassurance and energy from my husband but I am starting to think I never will get it. I deserve to be with someone who accepts my sexuality and all my shapes and sizes.
I morally cannot stay in this relationship knowing that I've crossed the line, but it's also that line crossing that might save my marriage? Has anyone else delt with something similar? Do I confess to my husband what I've been doing to relief myself? Am I over thinking the sexting if it's helping? Is it really helping or just enabling a dying relationship to drag out?

I had this sermon yesterday, it helped me collate my thoughts
For the everyone, Christianity isn't a self-help or a religion that makes you feel good. It is a faith that is real. Sharing the word and preaching may not turn the hearts of others. You need to clarify the non-believers' doubts. However, this is for everyone to read.
Science doesn't argue that God isn't real. God and science aren't enemies. They are in fact allies. God made science and science proves of God is existence.
1) Faith and science are complementary.
John 4:21-24 describes the Samaritan woman asking Jesus which is mountain/temple is the right place to seek God. Jesus instead tells her how God is spiritual. Heaven and hell are not physical locations, but a spiritual location. Therefore you need to connect to God spiritually.
Science cannot prove about why the existence of any number. For example, why is 7 seven and not 1 or 2 or 3? Science only assumes numbers. What about right and wrongs? We know that they are real things. We believe they are factual. But right and wrongs differ from person to person. Science can not scientifically prove what is right and what is wrong. Science is used to prove the physical and not physical world. But science also cannot prove science. For example science cannot prove where an atom is from. People say the Big Bang, but what caused it to happen(explained later)? God is beyond the physical world. So science is to study the physical world, whereas faith is to know the spiritual world.
2) Faith provides a basis for science
Science is to prove a principle of a law. But you need to assume that this law exists in the first place because if it doesn't then results are unattainable. This is a hypothesis. If the experimental results are achieved, then the law is true. However, when the results cannot be obtained, the law either is false or needs further proving. But He separated the dry land from water as can be seen in Psalm 105:5-9. The waters flowed over the mountains, went into valleys and He set a boundary they cannot cross and would never again cover earth. Same again in the story of Noah. And also can be seen in Genesis 1 when the world was just water. Before He made these boundaries, the waters were chaotic and with no order. God gave order.
In fact there are also many many famous scientists out there who used the Bible for their hypothesis and so far they are all correct. Johannes Kepler said that he was was merely thinking God's thoughts after Him. Isaac Newton said he studied the Bible to prove scientific theories. However, what the Bible says that is in the later part before the end, that cannot be proven yet. Other than that, God made the world follow a fixed law. Therefore, Christianity is a faith with science to prove that it is true. This leads to the last point
3) Science provides evidence for the Christian faith
Romans 1:18-20 says ‭" [18] For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, [19] because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. [20] For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse". This shows that there is so much evidence of God in the world like science and the miracles done. So how can God not have the rights to condemn someone to hell? It isn't because He remained hidden and they didn't have the opportunity to know Him. They closed their hearts and believe in His works but not Him. They have everything around them to prove God exists, but they do not heed.
Psalm 8:3-4 shows us the magnitude and power of God. But there would be critics who disagree because we jump into conclusions and "assume" it's right. What if there is an argument to prove that it is right and it in fact is God's powers?
Kalama Cosmological Argument states: 1. Everything must have a cause. 2. The universe began to exist 3. (if the first 2 points make sense which they do, then) Therefore, the universe must have a cause
The Kalam Cosmological Argument can be used on Islam and Christianity but the Christian God is the true God. In Islam, Muhammad was not the Son of God. He was just a prophet. Neither did he die on the cross for the people to redeem their sins. And I don't need to talk about the kids he married. It's pedophilia and there's no argument that that is very wrong. God is righteous and His son should be righteous as well. We know Jesus was righteous and has never sinned. He bored the cross for our shame and suffered to redeem us. This is the real Son of God. Therefore, only our Christian God is true. The gods of other religions cannot exist because of the Kalam Argument that we can agree is true.
The Big Bang, which people argue that this is how God doesn't exist, was only proven in 2003. Do I believe in the Big Bang? Yes. But you see, science is to study the physical world (definition: the systematic study of the structure and behaviour of the physical and natural world through observation, experimentation, and the testing of theories against the evidence obtained). Science only can be used to study the physical world. So the world cannot make the world because the world is science but science cannot make science. In that way, something external must be making the Big Bang happen. So who is this Someone who is external?
Using the Kalam Argument, we can come to a conclusion that 1. The Creator must be extremely powerful to create the world. 2. The Creator has to be non-physical for the world cannot make the world reason. 3. The Creator must be eternal. If not something else would have made Him, thus He would have a beginning. But He cannot have a cause, but cause a cause unless the cause is a person which cannot be true. Complicated to read but try to understand. This sounds like our God that we read about in Gensis! People don't believe because they don't want to, not because they didn't have more than enough evidence to know of God's evidence.
Next, God can use something natural and unnatural to create something. For example, the Red Sea turning red was proven to be because of sediments in the water. And so were the rest of the plague. But the destroyer was a curse (a really bad miracle) and isn't natural. So was Jesus when He went around to heal the sick, blind, deaf, mute, lame, and the possessed. A miracle = cannot be proven by science and totally unrelated to science. Who else can create miracles but by Someone not in the physical world? The consistency in the miracles cannot be a chance. It is the God factor. This can be proven by the Teleolgical Argument.
The Teleolgical Argument says that: 1. The fine-tuning of the universe is due to physical necessity or chance or design (proven by biology, physics or scientific experiments multiple times and would be explained after this) 2. It is not due to physical necessity or chance because unless the universe has a mind then it knows its necessities. And chances are so hard to come by (said later) 3. Thus the universe has to be designed (by God)
Like y=mx+c or other formulas with a constant inside. Gravity, speed of light in vacuum and other laws are also constant.
Now to answer "Can it be by chance?" The answer is 99.999999% no. But let me add that little 0.000001 to prove the God factor. Stephen Hawking said if time at the beginning slowed by 10¹⁰⁰ seconds, the universe would be dead. How can a chance be so accurate? How can there be a chance with such an unspeakable number without a design given? For example, you find an iPhone in the desert and you say its because the winds and weather conditions had assembled and put it together, and Steve Jobs picked it up. So with LOGICAL CONCLUSION, it can be said that there is a Designer to design the universe. According to the first law of thermodynamics, something cannot exist without being created from existing energy. The law states that energy cannot be created or destroyed and Einstein established that energy and mass (the two essense of existence) are essentially the same. But why does God not need a creator? Because the creator would be greater than God. Then won't we worship that creator instead? But thermodynamics only apply to our world. We often forget that God is of a spiritual world and He is eternal, hence, He doesn't need or have a creator.
In conclusion, science and faith are not compatible. That's too weak a word. Science and faith are complementary. Thus, do not disbelieve in God and only believe in science or vice versa. You need something that you can rely on that doesn't change. A constant. Then you might ask why do we believe in a book? We don't believe in book. It's the faith we believe in that is true. As science cannot prove science, the Bible cannot prove the Bible. But so far all the things the Bible was true, even before science had proven these. And those not of science are miracles or not proven yet. If you cannot debut these reasonings, then it only means God is true and that you should start believing in Him. Psalm 8:1-9 shows the magnitude and power of God. Science isn't something we should use to doubt God but to marvel and appreciate the works, even to the finest detail, of God and His designs. Gensis 1:26 says "[26] Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” ". We have dominion over the world as through science and the manipulation of science helps us understand God at a deeper scale. Your faith must have a deeper intellectual evidence. What reflects God's words or existence? I know that all He has said and still says has come true and thus will also come true. I know this because I see His works through History, Science etc. Build a faith with facts and knowledge but also with belief. You can further read things to strengthen your faith, like Reasonable Faith(or William Lane Craig, his youtube channel if you hate reading a lot, but since you got this far then maybe you do like reading), or books from Timothy Keller and C.S Lewis.
I would say that faith by knowledge is to accept in God and faith by feelings is to strengthen our love for God. I pray that we would have more brothers and sisters as well who would come to God through all these factors and we would have the brothers and sisters we lost to come back to God. In Jesus's most precious name I pray, Amen.

The moment a lot of you have been waiting for is here!
A couple of notes before you read (or after because I would just jump into the list right away too)

1. Direct quotes from Ali herself are in italics.
2. I tried my best to keep everything in timeline order. Some people like The Come Back Kid I placed in the order where they reconnected/talked about on the pod. But I did my best to note this.
3. All this information came from the FMH podcast, the Patreon, the original FMH blog, TikTok and other podcast that feature FMH/Ali. I also crossed reference information with this sub. I got most of this done with the help of the Patreon and listening to 1.75x speed but I lost accessed to the Patreon because my subscription ended.
4. I'm open to edits! Things around the matchmaker era confused me and if anything is incorrect or if I'm missing someone, please let me know! I will note where corrections are made.
5. Some people don't have anything simply because only a name was said or I couldn't find any details about the person/date
6. And of course, please be respectful of all the sub rules!

Names on the original FMH blog

• Mr. Adorable aka The Coach
• Trouble
• Waffles
• Future Husband Brian (FHB)
• Cookie
• Peter Pan
• Ambiguous Goodbye Guy
• Bad Bitch Man

AOL chatroom Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok and on the pod once
Myspace Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok
Third Boyfriend
Met on eCrush.com in 2002 and this was mentioned on the Cracked Up podcast, The Dave Glaser Podcast and Tiktok
The Kiwi
Met on a 2 week Model UN type youth trip in high school when Ali was 15, never a boyfriend but she had a huge crush on him, he tried to kiss Ali and she literally ran away, didn’t talk the rest of the trip but exchanged numbers and screen names (Ali’s was FineGal13 or BeachJewel760), she made him a mixtape cd called “Ali’s really cool mix for The Kiwi” but never sent it and she still has it. In 2021, he DM’d her when she posted photos of her and her mom in France and invites her to visit him in London, she says she can’t but says they should catch up if he comes to NYC
Fourth Boyfriend
Met on OkCupid when you had to use it on the computer, this was mentioned on Tiktok
The Homecoming Date or Light Switch
First boyfriend? (she goes back and forth calling him her first bf or a situationship), a family friend, a month younger than Ali, dated in high school but went to different high schools, football player, made him ask her to her Homecoming dance over email (her words), Ali hid in the bathroom the whole Homecoming dance, 3-4 revisits of this situations as adults, saw him on Bumble a few years ago and texted him that he had a typo in his bio, “he very much wanted to be with me” and now he’s married with a kid. His mom is still “obsessed” with Ali and she listens to FMH
Random college guy
Freshman year of college, Ali doesn’t have a nickname for him/doesn’t remember his real name, met this guy through a friend, was texting him to invite him over to hot tub but her phone autocorrected to “how about some hot rubbing tonight?” but Ali didn’t noticed/didn’t correct it and he never replied, Ali had a house party and got really drunk and was all over him, he left the party early, she messaged him on MySpace 3-4 times asking why he left
The Resident
Matched on Match.com, first guy she dated in NYC after college, older than Ali, a doctor, lasted 3 months ”maybe”, he didn’t like Ali’s friends, got a card from him on her birthday and it said “Love, The Resident” and it took Ali back a little, Ali drinks black coffee because of him, he coordinated having her mom visit NYC for her birthday then he broke up with her a week later
The Ghost
Met at a bar when she was 25, turns out they matched on OkCupid and they already had a date scheduled next week, they dated for 6-8 weeks, had sleepovers, “The worst ghosting experience I’ve ever had”, he borrowed The Great Gatsby from Ali’s roommate, planned to make dinner together after a beach trip in August with her friends and never showed up, Ali is blowing up his phone and gets no reply, two weeks later she finally texts “are you alive? check yes or no” and he responds “Yes”, Ali then ask if he could return the book and gets no reply again, 5 months go by and she receives the book in the mail with the note: “Here’s the book back. Sorry. P.S. sorry about last summer. I was in a bad place. You’re a great person and your salmon is amazing”, since then she has ran into him twice on the streets and matched with him on Bumble
The Coach/Mr. Adorable
First serious boyfriend at 26/27 in 2013, matched on Match.com or met through work depending if you’re listening to the pod or reading her OG blog, clean-cut look, played volleyball, Ali invited him to a friend’s birthday party and they made out in the streets at 4am, on their second date he asked Ali if she was seeing any one and when Ali said no he ask her to be his girlfriend 3 days after their first date, dated for almost 1.5 years or almost 2 years depending on if you’re listening to the pod or the Patreon, first time saying “I love you” to a guy, “lovely guy“, never would posted Ali on his instagram until Ali said something, he “lived” with her for two weeks while he was in between apartments, tried blind folding/hair pulling during sex and she didn’t like it, by the end of their relationship Ali didn’t like sex and thought she wasn’t a very sexual person, after they broke up Ali drunk texted him at 2am and he picked her up and she spent the night and she took her things in the morning in a rolly suitcase, from her blog in 2015: “I just want to be careful I don’t end up with another Mr. Adorable situation, where I find myself dating my platonic best friend”, had drinks with him in 2016 from the blog: “Not in a romantic way (at least on my end)”, Ali still talks to him sometimes through casual instagram DMs, he’s currently (as of 2021) dating someone for 4+ years and Ali thinks they’re going to get engaged
Trouble
OG 2015 FMH blog, never mentioned on the pod, “I was immediately enamored with him”, met at a Beer Olympic party but he worked with one of Ali’s best friends (Ali was still dating The Coach at the time), lived in BK, tattoos and stubble, Ali’s best friend said he was a “fuck boy”, “he very much made me see that it was the right thing for me and The Coach to not be together”, from her blog in 2015: “he has this look in his eye like he’s constantly laughing at me – in a super sexy way”, he texted her saying he didn’t see anything romantically with her and she sent a gif of someone shrugging
Personal side note: Ali has mentioned she has cheated on someone but never disclosed who she cheated on or with. I feel like she cheated on Mr.A/The Coach with Trouble because of the timeline. Just a guess.
Waffles
Matched on Bumble, OG 2015 FMH blog, he asked Ali fuck/marry/kill breakfast foods, dated 2 months around summer time, on Fourth of July while watching fireworks he said how they had a great day and Ali replied with something along the lines with “yeah, it would be better if I could call you my boyfriend”, he said he wanted a relationship but just not with Ali and shortly afterwards they stopped seeing each other
The Buffalo
Lived in Buffalo NY, 6’5, Scorpio, met in 2015 at Adults National volleyball (Ali’s team won that year) where he was heckling her while she was playing, asks Ali’s mom for her number and Ali’s mom said “I guess you’re tall enough” and told him to ask her himself, he flew her out and she met his parents, dated over summer, exclusive but never boyfriend/girlfriend (but called him her LD boyfriend on TikTok), texted and talked on the phone a lot, Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “they had really good banter”, in October he invited her to his cousins wedding and she invited him to her friends wedding, after Ali bought her ticket to his cousins wedding (with the promise he would buy her ticket to her friend’s wedding) he ghosted and stonewalled her, she “poured her heart out to him on voicemail” and he never replied, she asked him to pay her back for her ticket and he got mad that she “made this about money”, 2 years later he told Ali that he freaked out because he really liked her and saw a future with her but knew she would never move to Buffalo and it would “never work”, Ali said at the time she would have considered moving for him, Ali used to have him blocked on Facebook and told all her friends not to update her on info about him (unless she asked). He’s now married and goes to Disney with his wife (which Ali kind of scoffs at?), Ali said on TikTok that she dodged a bullet
Baby Bic
Met him at Adults National years ago, had a flirtationship with him in 2016 when he was 19 years old, ran into him at the Adults Nationals 2021, last texts she got from him were about getting his fake ID taken away at the bar and him visiting her in NYC but Ali didn’t want to buy him beer and drink at her apartment
The Chef
Matched on Tinder around 2016, he loved karaoke, “total shit”, asked Ali to be his girlfriend and to meet his mom after a month, off and on dating, broke up the first time because he was talking to his ex, lied and flew to Mexico to see his ex while dating Ali, that ex sent Ali a Snapchat of them in bed together on that Mexico trip, Ali broke up with him via text and called him a shitty boyfriend, he’s the reason Ali deleted her Snapchat because of drunk Snaps he would send post break up, FB messaged Ali 6 years later (while Roark was visiting/staying with Ali) and said sorry for being a shit head. Ali’s best friends hated him
The Dentist
Met on Halloween in the wild, Canadian, dated NYE 2016- May 2017 “nice guy, not my guy”, one of Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “he adored you, “he was too sweet for me” and “he had no edge to him”, he painted Ali’s cat for her 30th birthday but she was annoyed it was just Rory and not both cats, The Chef texted Ali while on a date/sleeping at his house
ASV - Aspiring Sober Vegan
Met through a friend (her best guy friend’s college roommate) the day before she had to fly out to her dad’s memorial, a doctor, into meditation, remembered him “being cuter” when they went on a first date, felt “the spark”, had “omg this is awesome sex”, Ali described this relationship as a “slow burn” and “the most attracted she ever been to a partner” even thought she didn’t think he was that cute in the beginning, dated 2-3 months before he tried to ghost Ali but they talked and broke up, four months later they start casually dating/FWB because he’s moving but this turns into a ‘middle distance relationship’ and he moves to Philly, had a lot of communication issues but didn't have a lot of fights, wants to live in Ohio and give a % of his income to charity, Ali was close to saying ‘I love you’ but didn’t, he uninvited her to meet his extended family and they got in a fight, broke up with her a couple weeks before their 6 month anniversary at the park while on a picnic and told her that she’s still his favorite person, Ali used to think he was “the one that got away” and would frequently have dreams about him. From what Ali knows, he's sober but not vegan
The Scientist
2017 or 2018ish, from San Diego, went on one date, Ali ended up ghosting him due to the decline in her dad’s health, saw him on Hinge while she was in San Diego for 3 months in 2020, texted him and apologized for ghosting him, ended up going on 2-3 more dates, took a selfie in front of his house and sent it to him but acted like she didn’t know that was his house and made a TikTok about it, things ended up not working but she doesn’t make it clear on who ended it. She can now see she shouldn’t have been going on dates during this time when her dad was sick.
Good on Paper Divorced Dude
Met a couple of years ago (she told this story on TikTok in 2020) on Bumble
The Groomsman
Met at her friend Ashley’s wedding in Chicago Oct 2019, had a “two night stand” with him, texted/talked/FT’d for 3-4 months, divorced, never dated seriously/FWB, saw each other a couple time when he came to NYC, Ali stopped talking with him due to FMH and her trying to find a serious relationship, he starts dating someone, follows FMH on insta, slid into her DM in 2022 and then sent her soup while she was sick, turns out he’s single again, 2 months later Ali is heading to Chicago and texts him “Hello! Reminder that my arrival to your neck of the woods is imminent” and turns out he is now seeing someone and Ali doesn’t see him while in Chicago (at least she doesn’t mention it)
Unnicknamed person
He was her plus one at her best friend from college’s NYE wedding 2019/2020, met and hung out with Ali’s mom, posted photos of them together on her personal Insta story, “fully dating but weren’t official hehe” doesn’t have a nickname/never gave him a nickname? This could be The Latvian/the person she texted her friend in DC about saying “I think I’m on a date with my husband”

Starts FMH on January 2020 on Instagram/TikTok

The Traveler
He was browsing Bumble while Ali was in the bathroom during their first date, he was banned from Bumble and was using his grandma phone number. Ali turned down a second date
The Duke
Early FMH, went for long periods of time in between texts, 7-8 Zoom dates while Ali was in San Diego and he was in NY, Ali said you could see three of his ex’s on his instagram page (without scrolling), they finally went on one date and it was “meh” but they did kiss on their date
The Oyster
Matched on Bumble (he had one photo and no bio) two weeks before Valentines Day, Gemini, a lawyer, part of the 13 First Dates in 30 Days series (he was #13), dated Feb 2020-Aug 2020, love bomber, felt “the spark” and became official after 3 dates, best first date ever??? at the time, said “I love you” to Ali after two weeks, “For most of my relationship with The Oyster, he didn’t live in the city he had moved to Connecticut without telling me”, would fight all the time, opposite political views, Ali felt like a “fucking summer camp director” because she planned all their dates and he would get upset if Ali didn't have a plan, sought out a therapist (Megan) because of her relationship struggles because of him, went to Mass/church, he wanted a traditional marriage/life/wife/kids (at one point had Ali thinking she wanted that), didn’t want to live in NYC, didn’t support BLM, Cindy hated him
The Pilot
Went on 3 dates, texted a lot, didn’t hear back from him in four days and when she said she was looking to date someone who showed more consistency, he replied saying he met someone the day after their last date who seems to have more free time than Ali and he wants to pursue that but would like to be friends, Ali said on TikTok that this other women “bent her schedule to his schedule” and she was unwilling to do that. Mostly talked about him on TikTok
The Analyst
Matched on Bumble two years ago and went on one date, re matched in 2021 and he stood Ali up, she send him a text “getting stood up” script and he never replied. Only mentioned him on TikTok (?)

Ali and Roark start FMH: The Podcast February 2021

The Boomerang
First date on the pod? I couldn't find anything else about him
The Scuba Diver
The Music Man
One date, “he didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just not for me”, amped up small talk, complimented Ali a lot which made her feel awkward cause she wasn’t feeling it, he texted her and asked for a second date and Ali sent the no ghosting script
The Bet
Uses the phrase “ok bet”, 28 years old shoe designer, only went on one dinner date to a spot he picked, turns out its cash only and he didn’t bring cash, was not into him , not looking for the same thing
The Dinosaur
Nickname was previously The Hawaiian, first date at Dinosaur BBQ, stood in a parking spot to save for Ali, he asked for a kiss after their date and Ali declined saying maybe next time
The Rose
He sent her a rose on hinge, first date was an hour long walk in the park while drinking beer
The Comic
Matched on Hinge, older than Ali (Ali’s friends express how happy they were to hear that), had brunch on their first date (was the first part of a double header but the second guy canceled), listed as “moderate” politically on Hinge, good and easy convo, went back and forth twice over text and then never heard back from him, “technically not ghosting...”
The Camper
Met in the wild at a volleyball tournament in July, lives in Chicago, 27 years old, hung out the whole time, over heard Ali asking someone to get her a make out partner, gave Ali his number, drunkly ask him for a FT date in the future and he didn’t reply, Ali texts him again about a volleyball thing and he replied back with not a lot of enthusiasm, Ali is going to Chicago in Sept for a volleyball tournament and she’s already planning on playing 4-on-4 with her best friend vs. his roommate and maybe The Camper, he texts her saying he has to work on the date of the tournament and won’t be able to do the 4-on-4 game, “I feel like I got broken up with someone I never want to date in the first place”

Ali’s Matchmaker contract starts in August 2021 - 6 matches

The Schmoozer
Went on a dinner date, was chatting up the waitress in a kind of creepy way, was bragging about a lot of things and it turned Ali off and Ali texted him her no ghosting script
The Accountant
1st matchmaker match, 31 years old, lives in BK, his dad has also passed away, easy to talk to, on the third date she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with him and in her gut doesn’t feel like this would be a slow burn, Ali breaks things off with him, months (?) later he sent Ali a 5 min long voice memo and they said they were both down to see each other as friends. He later on dated and ghosted Erica
The Aussie
Matched on Hinge, in politics, from Australia but lived all over the place, asked Ali what she’s looking for on the first date and he said he’s “casually looking for something serious”, Ali accidentally walks up to a different person on their second date, Ali texts him saying she would love to see him before he leaves on a trip and she wasn’t happy that it took him till the next day to reply and he can’t see her before he leaves
The Goalie
Was supposed to be Ali’s 2nd match, he’s a paying client, Ali didn’t hear back from him for a while when she told him where she lived, he wrote to the matchmaker saying that she lived too far away even though it states where she lives in her matchmaker profile
The Journalist
2nd matchmaker match, ended things because she was dating/pursuing things with The Discoball and paused her matchmakers matches

The Threepeat
Matched multiple times on dating apps but this recent time with Hinge, Amazon seller, first date was a pizza lunch date (with bubbles aka champagne) and he gave her a single yellow carnation, talked a lot about her “side hustles” aka her food blog, coaching, FMH and the pod (Ali didn’t mentioned the name on FMH), had an awkward half kiss during the date and then gave her a peck when they said goodbye, he had no night stands by his bed?, spent the night but told public pod they had a movie night, different kissing styles, 6 dates, broke things off with Ali two days before her first date with The Rower WHILE Ali was on a Halloween girls trip
The Rower
Dated from Halloween 2021 till early Feb 2022, Pisces who is 6 days older than Ali, has an ex-fiancé (they dated for 8 years, engaged for two of them, she broke off the engagement with him 1.5 years ago once he started dating Ali), has a shared dog with this ex, slept together around Xmas on the fourth date and Ali got a UTI, first time having “omg this is awesome sex” since ASV, first person Ali slept next to wearing an eye mask "that's a big step for me", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, on New Years Day told her that he sees “long term relationship potential” with her but doesn’t want to be exclusive after 5 dates, “we didn’t talk all week”, he said he wasn’t as ready as he though to date someone seriously and “I don’t know why I don’t want to be in a relationship with you” they broke up over the phone, Ali said he’s a good human and wants to date someone like him, 3.5 weeks later Ali drunk texted him at 3:00 am saying “its really hard not to talk to you” which Ali said was a lie, he replied back (few days? A week later?) while Ali was on another date and it made her cry a bit, she replied back saying “the door is closed but not locked” in regards if he wants to get back together. “Fin… for now”

2022

The Discoball
Matched on Hinge but didn’t go on a first date for two week, Gemini, used to be a singer in a band, moved from DC to NYC, went on 7 dates in 2022, had a dog w/ ex and ex got full custody once he moved, met one of his friends on the second date, slept with him on the second date “morning and night”, he tried to find the podcast without knowing the name, podcasted from his house in DC, he would send Ali photos of them together “all the time”, gave a virtual presentation from his hotel room, did Molly together in DC, had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, moved to BK (didn’t see each other for 2 months pre-move), had a sex-less sleepover (a milestone for Ali), he showed up for her on her dad’s death date (something that a person she’s dating has never done), used to listen to the pod but stopped before they stopped seeing each other, ghosted her after they had a talk about moving things forward to exclusive and Ali texted him something along the lines of “your silence is the answer” when she didn’t hear back from him for a week and he ghosted her. Ali said he sucks in #77 AUA
Lisbon
The Brit
M&M
The Come Back Kid
They went on 2-3 dates in Nov 2018 and reconnected in May 2022, "felt immediately comfortable", sat next to a very drunk lady on their second 1st date and was supportive but "didn't step on Ali's toes" when the drunk lady said something offensive to Ali, couldn’t remember if they slept together or not, knows about FMH, ghosted Ali
The Trainer
The Cold Brew
The Nomad
3rd matchmaker match, reminded Ali of The Oyster, wanted kids and didn’t want to live in NYC forever, Ali was upset at first because her matchmaker was supposed to screen for that but the matchmaker DID check and it wasn’t mentioned when she was screening The Nomad, no second date because those are dealbreakers to him
The Catcher
Matched on Bumble, “good not great” after their first date, ~April 2022, talked about sports a lot on their first date
The Gentleman
4th matchmaker match, knew about Ali’s FMH socials before their date, Ali didn’t like his texting style, awkward intro on their first date “like hugging a 2 x 4”, he runs a dating event company and actually email Ali to be a guest on the pod when FMH first started, awkward goodbye, didn’t discuss the actual first date on the main pod because she doesn’t want to give him a reason to reach out again
The Tennis Pro
Ali had a good time on their date, “He is an adult, he’s mature” BUT “I don’t think he was into it”
The Padre
Matched on Bumble, 3 dates, from San Diego, “energy mismatch”, doesn’t want to know or listen to FMH, no psychical connection/kiss, only a kiss on the cheek on their last date, “I haven’t spoken to him since Friday night [a week]”, she didn’t want to do what The Threepeat did to her (break up while on vacation/traveling), she said it might be a MOO

Roark leaves and Erica joins the pod Oct 31st 2022

Captain Kirk
5th matchmaker match, found him on Bumble before their in-person date, ghosted Ali AND the matchmaker???
6th matchmaker match
Last match and Ali states she will not talk about this date or anything about it
JFK Kirk?
Matched on Bumble, didn’t realize he’s located in SD, exchanged personal instagram info, not sure where things went or how things ended

Kirk #1
Met in the wild, make out a lot the night they met, “stealing kisses throughout the night”, exchanged numbers, planned a date (no specifics, just the day) but when Ali texted him day of he asked to reschedule (no specifics again), he replied back that he’s picking up a rental car, told him she’s looking for someone to respect her time and he never replied back

2023

The Falcon
First date of 2023, matched on The League, first nickname was “League Kirk”, hard to talk to, felt like Ali was always reaching for the next topic, likes to travel, “there wasn’t a vibe”, MOO
The Roommate
Used to be her friend’s roommate and have met before (Ali doesn’t remember but it was the day after that exclusive convo with The Rower), “totally cute”, reunited at their mutual friend’s engagement party January 2023, made out at the bar, comes back to her place and sleeps over (no sex), Ali questions why her friends never set them up and its because he was taking a break from dating, first date they made out a lot at the bar (again), “I really felt like we were already a couple”, “It didn’t feel like a first date”, mentions her FMH content has popped up on his FYP, tried texting him after their date and he wasn’t giving effort, she’s glad she didn’t sleep with him because “one night stands aren’t my thing”, MOO
The Belgian
Matched on Bumble, accidentally had their first date during a trivia night at a bar, easy to talk to
The Viking
Ali forgot they had a first date on the day of said date
Tinder Man
Matched on Tinder (duh) on Valentine’s Day, first Tinder date in three years, good convo on first date but got a pushy vibe from him at the second bar they went to, put his hand up her sweater and was kissing her in the bar, made Ali uncomfortable and she told him that after her asked her on a second date
The Historian
Matched on Bumble, good conversation on the first date with a wide range of topics like “urban planning and its impact on feminism”, he’s in grad school
The Georgian
Matched on Hinge, he asked if she was free on Friday and she said yes but didn’t hear back from him in two days and in that time she made plans for Friday, rescheduled for a Saturday afternoon date at a dive bar, ate on her way to her date “it would be next level rude to eat on the subway”, good first date, talked about places he wants to take her to
The Publicist
Matched on Tinder, lives in BK, Jewish, one year younger then Ali, good first date, invited him to the Chaotic Singles Party that night, came over to Ali's apartment (which Ali said was messy) before and he made her favorite cocktail for her, a couple of listeners met him at the CSP, goofy and silly convo mixed with deep and serious convos, second date was at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and a tasting menu dinner, he made a Resy reservation and Ali got an email saying she was added to it ”fuck receiving gifts, THAT’S my love language”, he's into words like Ali, he sneezed and Ali said "God bless you" but then corrected herself and said "gesundheit" and he leaned over and kissed her and said he loves that she cares about her words, he met her friends on the third date ”It felt so easy. It felt so comfortable”, her friends took “sneaky” picture and videos of them together which Ali said she loves a sneaky pic, took all their date recap videos on his phone, cooked Ali steak on their fourth date, "it's very comfortable", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, Ali met two of his friends and some of his teammates he plays a rec sport with, had sex the day they took a trip outside of the city, Erica met him before their trip to Greece and I said “he’s dorky in a good way”, WhatsApp video chatted while in Greece and told her “see you in two days!” at the end of their call, said she felt less anxious about him compared to other relationships while on vacation, sent him a birthday present while she was in Greece, felt an energy shift coming back from vacation and didn’t hear back from him 3 days after she came home, Ali requested a call to talk about this distances she was feeling, ”I did the 12 date rule and it didn’t work!”, she said the distance help her see that they’re not compatible, went on a total of 9 dates. Ali talks about the “break up” on episode 123
Mr. Chaotic
Matched on Tinder but he saw Ali at the Chaotic Singles Party and Cassidy the host is there mutual friend, went to a brewery and played games on their first date (Ali said this was her favorite first dates in episode 147 where they recapped 2023), works in entertainment industry, very high energy, knows about FMH and he said she's entertaining to watch, splits his time between NYC and some unknown city, texted while she was in Greece, ”The man gives good texts”
Random Matchmaker Match
Withdrew his match to Ali because he found her FMH socials. Talked about on #71 AUA
Gone with the Wind
Matchmaker match, said some gross things about women in volleyball outfits on their first date, Ali told her matchmaker about this, ”I would describe him as misogynistic overall”, Ali was glad he did say those weird things so early on so she didn’t waste her time, the matchmaker flagged his account. This was around June 2023
The Rock
Ali knows him from an activity that they used to be involved with in the city (she's very vague about what this is) from 8 years ago, he had a very serious/long term GF when they met, follows her personal Insta, has never talked about him because he’s never been a “prospect”, summer 2023 they met up to catch up and found out that he’s now recently single but he’s moving out of NYC for work, Ali texts Cindy saying she thinks this is a date, Cindy said to tell him that you really want to kiss him, he ends up telling Ali “I really want to kiss you”, made out at the bar, Ali invited him back to her apartment and they had sex the night before Ali ended things with The Publicist, “one night stand vibes” but she said she was down to do it again, Patreon only and talked about on #75 AUA
The Tourist
Matched on Hinge, just moved to Brooklynn, went to a brewery in BK for their first date, Ali showed up to the date dripping in sweat, allergic to cats, he sent Ali a ‘no ghosting’ text the next morning
The Stout
Matched on Bumble, ”we had really great banter right away”, laughed the whole time on their first date, talked about going on a second date during their first date
Speed Racer
Matched on Bumble, drinks first date, axe throwing second date, made out after their second date, MOO, randomly texted Ali ~6 months later because he said one of Ali’s date recap videos about him popped up on his FYP (Ali and Erica think this is a lie), he thought Ali wasn’t into him, he claims he was doing all the work with texting even though there was only a few messages since they exchanged numbers after their second date
Billy Joel
Recently sober, Ali said she felt like they had several inside jokes before they met in person, ate pizza on her way to their first date, second date was getting coffee and going to the museum, they cooked dinner together for their third date at Ali’s apartment and they watched 90 Day Fiancé (he didn’t like it), he Googled how to clean a red wine stain when it spilled on her countertop, he asked if she wanted to have sex and she turned it down, the next day/the day before a 7am flight Ali booty called him and they had sex, she was drunk and said the sex wasn’t good/they stopped mid way, helped Ali pack for her flight, Ali said he’s at a crossroad and he doesn’t seem like a long term fit, Erica found a condom on the ground while cat sitting, Ali said she didn’t regret hooking up with him but wishes she hadn’t done it, MOO
Sales Cycle
30 seconds in and Ali said he was very boring, only really talked about his job, stared at Ali’s boobs, “might be a MOO”, texted her ‘merry christmas’

2024

Pie Guy/Dr. Laundry
Matched on The League, 34 years old, requested a nickname change from Pie Guy to Dr. Laundry, he had to cancel their second date because he got hit by a car, went on two dates, Ali sent him a pic of his subway stop saying something along the lines of “the stop isn’t looking as cute today” and turns out someone he dated with in that photo, were supposed to go on a third date the night she got back from a bachelorette party but he didn't answer her text when she said she landed, the next day he asked her how her trip was not acknowledging her previous text at all, Ali expressed her disappointment and he replied that he was tired last night, she said she would've been understanding if he said something then ghosted her
Andddd I stopped listening to the podcast around the Dr. Pie Laundry Guy but have stayed up to date with everything via this sub.
I have a huge interest in dating culture, human behavior and data similar to Ali and this little project of mine was really interesting once I got the framework of this list. I started this list once I found this sub in December 2023 and started re listening to the Patreon while working out (and lost 10 lbs ayeee) and writing down information in my notes app. I did my best to keep this list unbiased and just give facts and information that was said.
My own thoughts after making this list is that I'm very sad for Ali. I didn't realize the extent of her dating history. I think about my own dating history or even my friends who are in their 30's and dating and Ali's dating lore runs so deep. Is Ali unlucky with love? Did she pass on someone that could have been great for her? How has she had so many dates with little success in a long term partner or even going beyond 6-8 dates? Or is Skyline the person she has been waiting for? What's the pattern with all this dates/men? So many questions.
I truly do hope Ali finds her guy because I believe theres someone for everyone. Until then, I'll be hopping into this sub (cause y'all are too funny and give the best advice) and waiting for Ali to find Mr. Height.
Enjoy and I look forward to everyone thoughts! I'll keep my eye out for any edits that need to be made.
Bonus quotes:
“Longest relationship was a little under a year and a half. Haven’t made it past 6 months with anyone else” - AUA #7 11/27/21
“I spent the first 10+ years of my dating life being sort of perennially single” -1. The Actual First One episode 2/21/21
"I think my parent's story is the reason why I think that I can romantically get back together with an ex and it'll work out" -The Dave Glaser Podcast 4/5/21
“Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in, with a couple of exceptions, started as a situationship.” -21. The Undefined One 7/11/21
“All of my boyfriends have been white” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“You definitely need an older guy” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“I’ve been on the dating apps since high school. Dating websites at the time” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Who would be the perfect man for Ali?”
“Clearly a combination of the The Dentist and [the early stages of] The Buffalo” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Do you consider The Rower or Disco ball to have been situationships?”
“No, I don't consider either The Rower or The Disco Ball to be situationships” -question asked on TikTok 11/9/22

ACT 1. Sunday afternoon after visiting the local market two brothers wait for their train to arrive. If they were even a minute late, they knew their mother would surely scold them and scold the elder of the two far worse. The idea of another beating did not bother the elder brother; he had been through far worse just dealing with the brat and his attempted jailbreaks, though something did begin to make him painfully nauseous forcing him to feel pressured by the light breeze as if gravity had suddenly been increased tenfold. All his senses were heightening beyond anything he had thought possible.All around him he saw that the once energetic and hyperactive passengers had become little more than mannequins; their movements slowing to a standstill. They had all gone silent. The station was no longer filled with the cries of children or the gentle laughs of their parents. He had never heard such silence in such a crowded location. He did not feel panicked, nor did he feel a need to act for this silence was oddly comforting to him. However, the newly calm atmosphere would quickly be the source of a lifetime of suffering.His hand began to reach for his brother in an attempt to call his attention. Though in a moment of both unprecedented shock and exhaustion John shoved his younger brother onto the rails of an oncoming train. Local news would report the incident as nothing more than a tragic manic episode of a young sixteen-year-old. However, for John this single visceral instant in which all of his brother's bones were instantly crushed was stretched into hours. He was painfully aware of how every bone in his brother's body contorted in inhuman ways some nearly resembling perfect right angles, until eventually, they snapped and sent insurmountable pain throughout his nervous system. His blood curling screams were made mute by the screech of the train coming to a halt, though, by the time they stopped, his brother had torn his every vocal cord and had long ago lost consciousness. Still on the platform, the elder brother stood still, attempting to process what exactly he had done. He had no idea what force had compelled him to push his brother, but that instant would forever define what he saw as reality.That however was nineteen years ago, in present day he lived in isolation far from any person. He spent his isolated days wandering the land around his cabin completing house chores that distracted him from reminiscing about his days in the asylum or as he liked to call it “The Echo Room” where he was transferred after the incident. He headed inside after spending a portion of his morning counting all one-hundred-and-thirty-two trees that were showing signs of life after the harsh winter that nearly forced him to cut down two of them for firewood. Once inside he began preparing his morning coffee when he heard a loud creak come from the hall. He (after many incidents) learnt to avoid the boards that creaked, so in his mind immediately an intruder was breaking into his cabin searching for food or his stash of special edition coffee. Deciding to investigate he walked towards the noise when suddenly he heard two knocks at his front door. Confused and slightly worried, he proceeded to walk towards the door making sure not to step on any of the annoyingly loud floorboards.He approached and looked through the peephole and saw only what remained of the melting snow outside. Opening the door, he saw that only his steps led to the doormat. He glanced around and saw no indication of any life aside a few dark patches on the snow. He was about to close the door when he noticed a tiny red package wrapped in a radiant red bow placed clear from where the door would open. Cautiously picking it up, he noticed how it had almost no weight to it; as if empty. He walked inside and sat at his desk planning to journal later about the weird morning he had been having. He examined the exterior of the package and saw how not only was it near perfect condition but it was also slightly warm to the touch; as if recently held. He undid the bow and cautiously opened the package, half expecting an explosive of some sort. Though, all he found was a ragged ripped piece of paper. Unremarkable aside from the fact that it was inside such a carefully constructed package. On the other side he saw that it had some scarlet lettering inscribed into it reading.“Ouroboros”. At first believing it to be a prank by the kids who had heard rumors about him, and his incident, nearly caused him to dismiss it entirely deeming it little more than a slightly humorous event. He decided to put it aside for now as he had coffee left to drink that was quickly getting cold. He walked back towards the kitchen still distracted by the idea of no trace being left by whoever had left the gift. Was it even a gift? Maybe it was just some well-executed prank? In any manner he would later have a better look at it. He absentmindedly, reached for his cup and immediately pulled his hand back shocked by the temperature of the cup. It was frozen! Almost to a complete solid. He thought himself slightly distracted but not enough to freeze his morning coffee especially not his special edition coffee. First The Box and now this, it was all adding up to an annoying morning. Was it still morning? No, that’s not right. He had just spent the day counting trees. How could it still possibly be morning?The thought of Dr. Lumis being correct about his mental condition after so many years sent a chill down his spine especially since last time they talked, he did not exactly behave amicably. He was sure that both incidents had been isolated events that could never happen again. Sure, he had heard the echoes every once in a while, but he was never insane like the others; this he knew to be a fact. If he was insane, how could he have ever left? Disoriented and beginning to sweat, his legs suddenly gave out causing him to fall backward landing on the cold wooden floorboards. He looked around hurriedly expecting to see an intruder that had somehow found him. After seeing nothing but his pristine furniture, he steadied himself and began to control his breathing. He slowly got up causing the wood underneath to creak under the sudden release of weight. Deciding to further assure himself he went around the cabin checking in all four rooms. He found nothing aside from his own disturbances. Still feeling slightly nervous and disturbed he headed back towards the living room in search for The Box with the red bow determining that it had somehow triggered his current situation. The Box was still where he placed it; much to his relief. He sat down. He looked once again at the scarlet lettering.
Act 2. Back in the asylum he would often spend his days wondering how he could have ever been grouped alongside individuals who had purposefully and viciously committed heinous crimes against innocent victims. He was not insane like them. Whatever had caused his hand to shove his brother had long abandoned him. His routine now consisted of cleaning whatever mess the older residents made in the halls and transporting lab waste to the crematorium. He would clean from the southern stalls all the way to the northern cemetery and make his rounds gathering the waste from the rooms. It was a simple job but lonely, nonetheless. The halls were often only illuminated by tiny flickering red lights that indicated the position of the cameras through which Dr.Lumis would often monitor John during his nightly crusades. Though incredibly distasteful, John did not mind, he accepted that odd situations would be easier to explain if someone of credit had seen them. Yet despite this, he felt he was being watched by someone other than the doctor. He assumed that this feeling was due to the paranoia he had been diagnosed with a few months back. On a particular night, moments after dumping another bag of soft solids and dense liquids down the chute, he heard footsteps, just outside the room. Expecting to see the doctor he begrudgingly walked towards the door. Exiting and seeing no one he called out for the doctor but got no response aside from the echo of his own voice. He began to walk towards where he had heard the footsteps come from when he suddenly collapsed out of exhaustion. The same exhaustion that had plagued him during the moment of his brother’s death. He tried to reach for his panic button (a gift from Lumis) but it had disappeared from his chain. He tried to scream but not a single whisper was heard. He gazed into the dark corridor where he had thought Dr.Lumis had gone, but saw nothing but soft shadows. Though something was unnervingly wrong about them. They moved as if following an order, all synchronized, all heading towards him. That night in the asylum had left him scared to even return to the disposal area; he feared that The Shadows might eventually be able to reach him. The Shadows did not haunt him unaccompanied: they followed alongside The Echo tormenting his nights. While The Shadows could not reach him during daylight, he could never escape The Echo. It followed wherever he went and tracked everything he did. Dr.Lumis explained that he merely suffered from an extreme case paranoia but John saw the others; who yelled and who screamed true nonsense, he was perfectly aware of himself and the ones around him. Dr. Lumis secretly believed patient #132 experienced Hyper-sanity though this he would never verbally confess. It was term he decided would for now adequately describe his patient’s acute awareness of The Shadows and The Echo. John would for many years go without hearing The Echo after that night, only ever hearing what seemed like the final moans of a dying voice. Back in present day, he hoped he wasn’t suffering another hallucination as they tended to leave him in an embarrassing shocked state. He questioned what “Ouroboros” could possibly mean in relation to himself. He considered the possibility of it being an early warning of some threat to the sanctity of his home. He quickly dismissed it as he had not interacted with anyone long enough to possibly annoy them. Weird them out? Sure. Offend them? Maybe with his sense of fashion. Following his incredibly fine-tuned survival instincts he put on a light coat and went outside to walk among the trees. A mundane task, but one he truly enjoyed especially since he hoped it would distract him for a short while. Just before he closed the door behind him, he took one more look at The Box sitting on his desk and decided to take it with him in case he met the person who had left it. The sun had begun to set marking the end of the day. He watched the sun hide behind the mountain range letting the world bathe in darkness for another night. John did not dislike the night (he had worked nightshifts in The Echo Room for years) but he didn’t find the freezing cold to be ideal. He had not left his land for what was a few years now and the idea of even slightly stepping out of his comfort was making him incredibly anxious. Still, he walked forward towards wherever the path took him. The night only got darker and quieter, and he only got colder. He did not see the lightning bugs that usually warded away the dark near the edge of his hill. Without the soft hum of bugs or soft breeze that would brush against his beard he felt alone. Even the nights back in the asylum did not possess this level of quiet. He kept moving hoping that eventually he would find something that could break the uncomfortable silence. As he continued down the hill, he realized he could no longer distinguish the path from the dirt surrounding it. He considered heading back when he realized he had not kept track of where he had come from. Not only was he lost but alone with his thoughts and whatever had been watching him from the start. He walked a step forward and then another one back repeatedly. What he was attempting to achieve was beyond reason. Had he gone mad? No, he was perfectly sane. “Wait, I can hear them clearly now” he spoke, his voice dried from the cold.“This is not a hallucination” he spoke softly.“i-I AM NOT HALLUCINATING” he proclaimed. He heard The Echo once more though they were not of his voice but rather of Another. He had long been aware of “The Echo” but he could never fully determine whether it was a dream or an effect of the chemicals but this Other was undoubtedly real. “I don’t know where you are but please. Are you real?” he asked the night. He could now hear The Echo or rather feel the pressure of its words upon his reality. Had it been trying to hide the Other? He walked forward and pulled out The Box. “You gave me this right? What for? What purpose does it serve?” No one responded.Annoyed, he threw it as far as he could down the hill. “THERE! THIS CAN’T CONTINUE WITHOUT IT, RIGHT?” He shouted at the endless empty. That’s when out of the darkness emerged a faint light. Was it a lightning bug or maybe a sign of civilization?
Act 3. Cautiously, he approached the cold light and saw that the light was artificial. The tube inside flickered before another appeared a few feet ahead, and then another and then another and then what seemed like an uncountable amount more. He took a step forward and noticed that the ground underneath had turned to hard white tile. Accepting that this was not the weirdest occurrence that had affected him he proceeded to walk forward making sure to keep a mental note to journal about it later. The surrounding landscape transformed into white walls that every so often had a window that let him peek at the other side. At first, he could still see the snowy landscape, but it to slowly changed; first having scattered papers and then chairs, cabinets, and desks until they eventually resembled a typical office. Its purpose was not obvious to him, and neither was the hallway but if they were changing surely, it possessed a deeper metaphorical meaning that related to his life. He saw a door at the very end of the hall and decided to not postpone the ploy of whatever “The Echo” was planning. He stood before the door wondering about what it could possibly contain. John proceeded to open the door. Inside was a desk along with a single cabinet. Walking inside he noticed that the room was illuminated by some otherworldly source that had no words that could possibly describe it. He walked towards the desk and a file he had not seen previously, sat open. Inside was a description of his physical appearance. “Age: 35. Height: 5’8. Weight: 185 lbs. Hair: Black with obvious signs of stress. Eyes: Brown. Character Aptitude: High.” “Okay, I get it. I’m old, you didn’t have to expose my hair like that” he said slightly embarrassed quickly restyling his hair. He noticed that even though they had an almost perfect description of his hobbies, dreams and wishes they did not have a single picture as if they for some reason were only able to use words. “SOOO you know about that one time in the asylum (don’t ask) BUT NOT A SINGLE PICTURE? That’s lame.” he said mockingly. On the final page he found what looked like an incomplete file; most of the personal attributes had not yet been filled and only a note was made reading. “They don’t need a complete story just one they can understand.” Besides the fact that whatever role he played in this act had been a mere afterthought; he was confused as to how anyone could have ever gathered such sensitive and personal information about his isolated life. Was it The Echo? Had it told them his life? A phone started to ring somewhere in the room abruptly breaking the silence he had become used to. He quickly rotated towards the source of the ringing but did not find anything. There was only him and the four walls that despite the lighting did not change a shade of grey. He walked towards one of them that seemed to be where the noise came from resting his hand on it and gently put his ear to it thinking that the ringing was from another room entirely. The wall he had just laid a hand on had no longer a physical representation and causing John to fall through to the other side. Disoriented he slowly looked up and saw The Telephone illuminated by what seemed to be the same light that illuminated the previous room. This one however was far more powerful and concentrated solely on The Telephone. He approached it expecting a chasm to somehow appear underneath his feet. The Telephone did not stop ringing and only seemed to increase in intensity (though this could have simply been a hallucination). He lifted it to cut the blaring noise and slowly put it to his ear. “hello?” “…” “…” “The protagonist only dies if the story ends” the voice said quietly. “HUH? YOU DRAGGED ME HERE TO TELL ME THAT OMINOUSLY ANNOYING LOAD OF *********!” “…I’m so sorry” The call disconnected not out of offense but rather out of completion. John slammed the phone back onto its stand and decided it was time for this nonsense to end. He walked out into the room he was in before anxiously attempting to find another exit: only to be met with solid walls. What wicked game had he been roped into? When would it end? These were questions he would answer far earlier than he expected. A door appeared in the center of the room. No, it was more of a two-dimensional plane that appeared to be a sort of portal. With no other options, John stepped into the newly opened portal.
Act 4. On the other side was a station, and his ears were immediately flooded with the cries of children and the laughs of their parents. He walked around moving through the crowd careful to not miss any indication of the location. His pace increased as he began to recognize the commuters shortly realizing exactly where he was. He rushed to a platform, the platform where he and his brother were to arrive after their day in the market. He sat on a nearby bench committed to saving his brother no matter who he would have to shove instead. Three agonizing days passed with the daily commuters repeating their routine with the slightest variations. One of these variations would be the key to preventing the day that haunted his nights. Something would soon cause him to shove his brother onto the tracks. He was determined to stop the fall or kill himself to keep his brother safe.He heard a familiar laughter and turned towards the source and saw his brothers face uncontrollably laughing and himself lightly smiling. He began to run towards them but felt once again suddenly exhausted. As if the air became a type of nonnewtonian sludge making his legs impossibly heavy. The crowd around him seemed to be moving just as easily as before; children laughing just as maniacally and just as carelessly. He tried to yell to them, but his lungs were filled with the dense fluid drowning any screams he attempted. He was forced to watch how his brother got closer and closer to the edge. Through much effort, he managed to get close enough to extend a hand towards his past trying to desperately push him away from his brother. The past reacted in what seemed to be a defensive system and sent a temporal anomaly throughout the space his past and present inhabited. Time began to exponentially speed forward. In a last desperate attempt to prevent his brother’s death he tried to distract the past long enough to let the train pass without incident, but the temporal anomaly caused the relative slow velocity of his touch to have the effect of a sudden jerk and in his final moments of consciousness he saw his brother accelerate towards the rails in a split second. He awoke back in the office alone with nothing, but the realization of what force had killed his brother. He curled into the fetal position and began to cry; still believing his lungs to be filled with the dense liquid he did not let out a single sigh. He spent several hours in this state of painful silence without even opening his eyes. His emotions were chaotic and his thoughts unending. They tormented him for hours far after he had run out of tears to let out. They were merciless and torturous forbidding him from resting, insisting on his suffering. Being the cause of his brother’s death nearly caused him to go insane yet part of him kept insisting that Another was to blame. Another had caused him to do it. The Other had forced his hand. Of this, he was now sure. The Other enjoyed his suffering, The Other forced him to kill his brother. He had not eaten nor slept in what seemed like years and yet he stood up defying the gravity that held him down. He took a deep breath of as much oxygen as his lungs allowed and began to speak. “Whoever you are. Whatever you are. Wherever you are. Just know I will no longer play for your entertainment the rest is entirely my choice” he said threateningly. He then began to walk forwards confidently towards the dark wall and through the hidden door that he was not supposed to see. He entered what seemed to be a studio room though, unlike the sterile office; it was trashed. Papers littered the floor and empty bottles populated the lone mattress. On it laid a journal that had recently had liquid spilt on it. He picked the journal and gently opened it and began to read. It was scratched with the stray ideas of a creator who seemed to have never decided upon an end or beginning to his story; yet possessing the journey. He saw many ideas that together seemed to create a way for the continuity to depend entirely on Another rather than itself. A thought described in a single word interested him enough to take it with him. The room started to dissolve around him transforming into a cold landscape. Armed with the knowledge of who he was he treaded what remained of the worn-out path. The sun began to rise signing the start of another day, yet John did not seem to notice as he was focused on something buried in the snow. He could not see much of it yet he knew it was The Box he had thrown the previous night. He dug it up and began his walk up the hill once more. He eventually arrived at his cabin and walked towards his front door….
Act 5.
If you wish to rebel; continue reading on the next page.
Begin the story once more on Truth 2.
If you wish to ward away The Other; don’t read any further
If you wish to follow The Echo read Truth 3
To understand turn to Truth 4
Truth 1
…Before deciding that no longer would he be a puppet for someone’s amusement. John arrogantly began marched back down the hill and headed north towards the nearest interstate a few miles from his home hoping that he had derailed The Echo’s plot. It took him hours on foot, but he would eventually come across the road and start his journey back to civilization no longer subject to the whims of an Otherworldly Audience. He believed his future was now his to decide. He decided what he would become. He decided when and what to think. This he was sure would be how he escaped his torment. John suddenly suffered a complete body collapse and fell forward landing face first onto the scorching road. It would be several sweltering hours before anyone would find him. But eventually someone did, john suffering heavy burns and on the brink of death was saved. He would awake months later in a hospital bed though no one would ever know of this. Weeks would pass as john laid in the hospital bed unable to speak or even move; alerting no one to his consciousness. The doctors and nurses were busy with whatever important patients needed immediate attention; they walked from one end to the other in what seemed like mere minutes. The entire time the only company he had was The Echo and yet slowly it too seemed to forget his existence as well. Eventually The Echo having no interest went away.Jane a third-year medical student had recently joined the staff a month prior and had already been assigned two elders and one child. Though overwhelmed she did not grow annoyed nor frustrated; she loved her job and by proxy her patients. Despite her benevolent nature there was a single patient she never went near as he always seemed to be watching her despite his eyes being shut for over four months. Any time she got near to patient #132 she would begin to get nauseous and quickly retreat. She had no ID on the man, but it seemed he was dehydrated for far longer than should’ve been possible and should be by all accounts dead if not near it. Whenever she worked nightshifts, she would swear that she heard the man whimper slightly as if to warn her of something. Even when she was on the opposite side of the building, she would hear the echo of his groans. She would eventually be transferred and would soon forget the man who after 6 months was officially declared braindead and was due to be disposed of, yet she would still every once in a while, still hear The Echo. Forgotten Ending
Truth 2…Realizing that there was no other choice John took a step forward while placing the note he ripped from the journal into The Box making sure to keep it neatly packaged. He saw the footprints he had left two nights before and carefully stepped into each one making sure to not disturb the surrounding snow. Whatever…Whoever had set him on this path allowed him to live a life of suffering, a life of loss, and a life of pain. This, he felt was the way things were intended to play out; the way it had to end. He placed The Box on the final step making sure it would not be knocked away whenever the door would eventually open. He walked away nearly to the edge of the property when he looked back once more. Managing to peek inside he saw his past still making his coffee when he saw an almost invisible distortion appear near the front door. He smiled and turned away only saying…Freedom ending
Truth 3…though spotting a disturbance near the back of the cabin distracted him from the front door. He decided to investigate for fear of losing a single blossoming tree. Arriving near the back fence he saw no indication of a disturbance giving him much needed reassurance. He heard noise emerge from inside the cabin giving him one more dilemma to deal with. He headed to the backdoor making sure to not disturb the recent snow and entered the cabin. Being sleep deprived and without coffee he had forgotten about the wooden floor and stepped on one that caused a creak to be heard throughout the cabin. He quickly hid in the bathroom fearing that he had disturbed the continuity that The Echo had established when suddenly a bright flash blinded him. He found himself at the front door next to The Box. Slightly amused he proceeded to knock on the door and was soon after transported once more to an empty hall. Both confused and entertained as he was being transported from one place in time to another he took a few steps forward alerting the past to his presence. Seeing his past enter the hall he ducked and quickly hid around the corner. His past seemed to believe that the doctor was in the halls and decided to investigate though just as he was nearing closer; his past collapsed. John saw how his fall was slowed as if moving through the dense liquid he had once gone through. He walked towards his past and noticed an old fashioned panic button that would instantly call Dr.Lumis to his location. Measuring the consequences, he decided to remove the panic button and head back towards The Shadows. For a third and final time he was transported to a final location, the bottom of a snowy hill. Taking in his surroundings he noticed burn marks on the snow where his past would eventually walk through the portal whenever the past caught up. He reached into his pocket and realized how the plot was supposed to move forward. He walked until he reached the exact point where his past would once again find The Box. He kneeled and buried The Box making sure to erase any evidence of his own disturbances. Fully fulfilling his purpose John collapsed. The End.
“Did the hero die?” “What?” “Did he die?” “No? He beat the bad guy and saved the day remember?” “Yea but like AFTER.” “Well, I guess after a few years he would.” “No” The young child said growing annoyed, “when you said, “The End” did he die?” “No.” responded the elder brother. “Then what happened to him? Is he still alive?” “The protagonist only dies if you stop reading.” concluded the elder brother as if possessed. Begin again?
Truth 4…Then just as he took his first step forward everything began to rot. His trees, his home, his coffee, all of it was slowly eroding into a fine dust. He knew that another temporal anomaly would be the likely cause, but he had not yet experienced one that possessed this level of molecular destruction. The fabric of his reality was slowly and thoroughly being untangled into its most simple of compositions. It separated the light from dark, gravity from time, and words from spaces.John could now comprehend what had defined his reality for so many painful years, he finally understood The Narrative and how all possible endings had been chosen long before his creation. John had been a slave from the moment The Narrative began; not once in his entire existence had he ever had a real choice only walking paths already treaded by Another. He was nothing but a plot device in an otherwise self-indulging tale written by a gentle master forced to be cruel for those above. From the moment this story began, John was in pain. He could never hope to truly escape; he could only die until he arose once more. Had John never understood what his life really was then maybe he could’ve found meaning in his suffering. Unfortunately, this choice has now forced John to become aware of how truly meaningless his existence was. His life was little more than entertainment for The Other; they were the ones truly in control. For as long as The Other remained, The Echo would doom John to eternal suffering. The Echo was never in control of The Narrative; he too was merely a subject to it by an even greater force. The Echo did not wish for John to suffer but The Other would not allow John to live if he did not. It is a toxic cycle of pain, suffering and realization that forces John to relive The Narrative lifetime after lifetime. The Narrative must have suffering intertwined into its foundation otherwise The Other would grow bored and erase the reality ending John in but a mere thought. Don’t you see? Don’t you understand? This is reality; John cannot exist without pain, The Echo cannot live without a narrative, and The Other is you. THE END......
Intended to be a philosophical narrative detailing the tragic relationship between the reader, the narrator, and the character and how they cannot coexist without hurting each other.

The Suppressors are a well-organized group made up of people who believe magic must be expunged from society. It is a coalition; its members range from religious fundamentalists to atheists and non-believers to otherwise average folk caught up in the panic. And in the organization are regular people in Suppressor t-shirts, soldiers in magic-nullifying armor, superhuman agents, and the elite individuals in the power structure.
And they’ve been gaining widespread support and traction, holding rallies and book burnings of occult texts. A few of their tactical squads have been harassing superheroes—which those heroes have tolerated because they can take care of themselves.
But now Suppressors have been brazenly attacking innocent people. Dragging tarot readers or psychic mediums out into the street and beating them in broad daylight. Smashing windows and firebombing curio shops. These villains include:
The Grand Suppressor is the apparent leader of the organization. He is Thomas Putnam Praetor, a businessman who noticed that being anti-magic is good for business. His media empire—books, podcasts, videos, local news affiliates—all air or publish anti-magic propaganda. Practicing magic is carefully framed as a moral failing, and some of his more out-there pieces of media paint a conspiracy of elites who breed or abduct children for magical sacrifices and dark rituals. Won’t someone think of the children?
Praeter is hoping to ride this wave of panic as a senatorial candidate, running on the claim that he will expose and destroy that magic conspiracy from the inside. But really, he’s just in it for the money.
The Convert is a high-ranking member of the Suppressors who is often trotted out as a success story. He was once a practicing wizard, they say, weaving dark spells for personal gain, until he saw the light and turned his life around. Secretly the Convert is really still using his magic for the benefit of the Suppressors… where do you think their anti-magic armor gets its power from? He has a host of broad magic powers, from energy blasts to flight to magic nullification.
Crucible hides a badly burned face and body under a suit of light armor. Claims to be a victim of magic himself, though he received his burns in an arson blaze of his own making. “Of course, magic made the fire go out of control,” he justified, “because I was burning down one of their precious cult temples…” Crucible fights hand-to-hand, wearing special gloves able to heat up to extreme temperatures, instantly igniting or melting anything they touch.
Red Martyr doesn’t talk much. Her silence has led many adherents to believe she is a human trafficking rescuer who died many years ago in a plane crash. Absolutely no evidence supports this theory; in fact Red Martyr seems too young to possibly be the same person. It is true though that she is hard to kill; if fatally injured she will eventually heal and resurrect. But the upper limit of her regenerative powers are unknown, and she tends to retreat when encountering a new, potentially deadly situation.
Some of the heroes targeted by the Suppressors are banding together to somehow stop these nefarious villains. But the more they fight, the more they find that the Grand Suppressor is not the leader they think he is, and the true leader has even deeper plans… the elimination of all magic save their own, making them the most powerful mystic in the world!

I have a Friend who is a Writter, but not only they never publish any of their stories. When we stop so they can tell the stories tho, it's always about their character's suffering even tho they don't deserve it. They also mention how every character is based on themselves, and I personally believe that's why they're all so perfect, They write them as themselves, but keeps the flaws out and the only way to make the character "interesting" for "The public" is to make them Suffer.
Some friends of them, Me and some of their Teachers have mentioned how they need to stop, but we all just talk about it because of the writing itself. We say people won't be interested in characters that suffer if EVERY character suffers. Is like that quote from Syndrome from the Incredibles (2004) "Everyone can be a super! And when everyone’s super… no one will be."
I personally find concerning because recently I figured this might be related to something more psychological than just artistical and I wanted to talk about it with someone who actually knows a thing or two about the human psychic and not just someone who will agree or disagree with everything I say about it like they do, by saying "The suffering is necessary for character development"

this is my first time posting on Reddit and my daughter recommended I posted about this so I could get different opinions so here we go.
I (female 36) am currently taking care of my mother (female 72). I am also taking care of my daughter (female 16) all by myself with absolutely 0 help. I grew up with 3 brothers and 1 sister (who was all adopted or taken under care) and I was the most responsible for them. my father and mother never really helped with the kids so I had to experience being a single mother from the ages of 8 to now. My brothers (27, 30, and 48) have all never taken responsibility with nothing including my sister (29). I've had to go from events to parent teacher conferences for them and I've never been credited for taking care of them not one bit. My mother always sat around complaining about doing nothing but always went to the casino ever since night anytime she had money meanwhile my father always had work.
Growing up, I've always wanted to get the same love and attention ask my siblings but I never did, dispute me being their biological child. When I was around the ages of 13-16, my oldest brother began going to jail very often for his crimes such as theaf, underage drinking, and more and my parents has always pampered him even if they've stole money. My younger brother has never graduated highschool with not even a diploma due to him not coming to school and also not doing any work. we only found out after the ceremony that he doesn't earn his degree for not doing work, causing major argument between my mother, father, and him. my middle brother has done nothing but try and be somewhat helpful but always slacked. My sister came into the picture when she was a baby, always getting more attention than me but I didn't really have a problem with it at the time.
as time passed, I've noticed a shift in my mother's Demeter, always demanding stuff from me, always asking me to take her places even if I'm sick or exhausted, and no one has came to help. I had my daughter when i was only 19, causing more stress on me. My baby daddy helped only the few times until she was around the age of 6 but ever since then, has ran away from his responsibilities of being a helpful father and leaving me by myself to fend for us.
Now mind you, I've now taken care of my siblings by myself and now that I'm all alone taking care of my daughter, keeping up with everything, it's causing me to have mental breakdowns almost every single day. no one has ever tried to help not one but and the most my parents done is baby sit my child while I was working in a nursing home. I never gotten therapy until I was 25 and I stopped going after I found out insurance wasn't covering for it anymore.
Now back to my parents, my father overtime grew more and more grateful for taking care of him, unlike my mother who was always always complaining about everything. My father ended up passing away at the age of 78 due to stage 4 pancreatic cancer that wasn't detected until June 24, passing away on July 3rd 2022 on hospice. My middle brother flew in from California to come and help me with our dying father while my other siblings didn't even come and see him pass away until later on. I felt hopeless after his death, him being the only person to ever been there and be thankful for everything and helping me out on most things. My mother was also devastated of course, griefing for 4 months before doing some healing.
But after my father's passing, my mother's behavior worsened overtime, taking too much medicine, having to go to the hospital every single time, now allowing me to barely have time for my daughter, and just making everything overwhelming. I've expressed with her multiple times that I needed my time with myself and my daughter because every moment of the day we're always taking care of her. she's explained how he's old and how she doesn't like being lonely (I take care of her 23 hours a day.) and how she has no one to talk to. remind you again, she talks and gosspis on the phone with her sister who NEVER checks in on her and always goes out every Friday to the casino to spend her little money even if it's $20. I've told her multiple times that I can't keep spending all my time with her because I also have a life too and all she would do is give me the silent treatment or begin gaslighting me to the point where I just become angry all the time
I hate being angry, I hate being so mad at everything, and I especially hate when my duaghter is also affected by it too. my daughter spend 5 out of 7 days at her grandmother's to catch the school bus to school, the other 2 days she's at my house. she's came to me too many times to count about how her grandmother always mistreated her and always made her do stuff even if she's already doing something or when she's trying to relax. I've had to go to the point where I would have to literally call my mother and tell her to not exhaust my daughter because she never feels good. She's in therapy currently 2 times a day after school and one of those days is a group therapy session with the client, 2 therapist, and the parents. I've told my mother multiple times that I'm trying to focus on my mental and my daughters and how we're trying to have better mental health than what we currently have. she understood for the most part but would always call us during therapy, asking us to get her stuff and to immediately come home.
Now, let get to the main part that drives me insane. My mother goes to the casino ever Friday and Saturday with her friend (female 67). They always go and while they're inside, I mostly stay in the car doing my busy. My mother calls me every 5 minutes to come and move her to a different machine to use, even though the casino we always go to provides guards to help move people in wheelchairs so I would have to get out of my car, go inside, push to to the machine, and go back. But this time was different. Last night, I went to the casino. I told my daughter and I quote "if your granny asks me for money at the casino when she runs out, we'll be immediately going back home." and she understood. we go to the casino with her friend and we're chilling and suddenly she asks me for money. I tell her I don't and won't be giving her money because we're wasting our time and she loses it, saying "didn't you get paid?" and "how come we came here and I cant get no money!". She told me HOURS before we went that her friend initially wanted to go but it was then revealed to her friend that she never wanted to go due to her believing I should have a break. We finally go to the car and the next thing coming out of her mouth made me finally break.."I can't believe you won't even give your own mother not even $5. I've raised you all my life and the most I can ask for is some money. I know you have money, you just don't want to give it to me." I LOST IT. I told her "I've raised my siblings, you, and my father going up. I've never had a moment in my life where I've taken not even a day break for none of you and you've all made me finally lose it. if your so dependent on me, why don't you go and ask your son's for money? why don't you ask your other daughter for money? why do I have to be responsible for everything for you! I'm only supposed to be your daughter and a caretaker but in your fucking eyes I'm nothing but a damn unless piece of nothing." her friend was in the car the whole time this happened and she nodded her head in agreement, saying "she's right, you always tell her to go all these things and she's not getting hany help other than (my daughter name.) give her a break."
the car ride was silent and we didn't get home until 3 AM, we left to the casino at around 9. I drop her off and she's giving me an attitude so when she finally goes inside and settles down, I finally go home to my sleeping daughter and I go to bed, waking up the next day and telling my daughter everything that's happened. I've been so stressed with everything and I just can't do it anymore. my mental health is supposed to be getting better but with my mother always saying she never gets to do anything and all this other shit, it's making me just want to put her in a nursing home. I love my mother to death but what she's doing is not acceptable at all and I can't do it anymore. she hasn't called me since yesterday and I don't bother to call her at all. I just want a single day to be the day that I don't have to do nothing, not even pick up a damn spoon. I just want peace and I can't even get that. I feel bad for my daughter mainly because she's affected by all of this and there's nothing more I can do. No body won't come and even check on my mother and I can't do it anymore. I just want to run away and be left alone.

So, I have been given some information of great significance the other night. Here it is:
Did you know that they are working on assembling ships in space already? They want an artificial gravity that doesn't rely on centrifugal motion, but they can't figure it out. It really doesn't matter anyways now. Some of us were representatives of this planet's society and growth, and you tortured and harmed us, so that is verified proof that humanity is not worthy of entering the same areas, as the others. We will not survive the next 2000 years of silence from the other species / forms of life out there, if they go that route. They were making a collaborative effort to save our souls, but we will be left to our own demise now. I will predict everything that is going to happen to wipe us out:
First thing that happens, is we keep getting solar flares that align with earth. People think it is just bad luck, but it isn't an accident. This is going to recur every so many months or years in the future, and keep us at a very low technological level, for ages soon. Every time we try to rebuild it knocks our blocks down, and we are forced to start over. No amount of shielding can stop EMF and other noise forms, on this scale. Even if you had working equipment, the interference will be so bad, you can't even use it. This will go on for a VERY long time, over and over and over again. We will live technology free until our atmosphere is removed from our planet, after a great wobbling takes place. This will happen to our sun as well, and every planet in our solar system at a similar rate. The atmosphere goes first under the gravitational pull from the center of our galaxy, which we are closer to than we realize.
They wouldn't cease what they were doing to humanity, which proves to the beings that I was being watched by, since I was in the womb, that humanity isn't ready to have this technology, since humanity is doing terrible things to itself.
In order for these flares and CME Events to take place, they alter the composition of a specific coordinate on the sun in a spherical pattern repeatedly using radiation forms, sort of like hitting it with a laser, but think about it creating a focal point that can be moved up and down as well. It opens up a space where a CME happens. The solar flares will align with earth for a very long time, over and over and over and over and over for the next 1-2000 years of relative time to us, leaving us in technological darkness, never to connect with any other beings out there. Or if we do make blatant contact, they know we are doomed anyways, so they will tell us everything we ever wanted to know, and we will never be able to build it, or extract the matter required to use these technologies to escape our fate. We probably won't be allowed to have electronics ever again, so it doesn't matter if we know everything we ever wanted to.
My mother, and I and my other family members, were asked this question "Do you think that humanity deserves to survive" in our lives, over and over again, my mother was asked at 30 years of age, and I was asked in my 20's 2 times, while I was being prepared for this with torture as a youth. I was literally trained for this. I was even asked if I wanted to die in my sleep overnight, or essentially fight for earth and endure tremendous torture, as well as be woken up and have the shit scared out of me. I chose to survive, and the guy asking me laughed and said "Good choice". I woke up and saw this creature crawling up my body, and I threw it on the floor and turned the lights on, and it disappeared. I also saw my grandfather, who I had no idea what he even looked like at the time, because he died when my father was 16 and I never saw a picture of him, in my bedroom one night. I tried talking to him, but he didn't answer, he looked worried but like he couldn't tell me straight up. He then walked through the wall when I tried to approach him. My sister said the next day, that she saw him on the same night too, and she dropped her spoon on her plate. I also woke up one night and saw people standing around me talking about me, and they said "He can hear us?!" "Shh shh, everyone shh!" And then they went silent while I tried to ask them questions, and then they faded out. One or two were female, the others male. I almost got an ID on their face, but they did not look human like I thought.
I WAS your, and everyone's only chance at survival, and you treated me the worst, which means, I vote that humanity doesn't survive this anymore. I think we should be, allowed to be destroyed now. They ruined my life and the lives of a LOT of good people, so I am now allowing the destruction of theirs and all the bad people on earth. All of theirs and their families, and their friends, and everyone they ever knew. Unfortunately that means everyone I ever knew and you and everyone currently in existence now, too. The difference between my family and friends passing away and theirs, is that mine will be saved in a different form than what we on earth attempted to do. I think it is still in research and development stages. But if humans are there yet, we can "Upload" and/or connect you to a central system, that has our consciousness connected to it, and when we die they cut the connection and you remain in the system, but your body dies. This system design was a lie. When we die it isn't actually you in their systems, because our systems were primitive and done in the wrong way. That was one of the prices we were supposed to pay and figure out as a society and in the scientific community, and then change. Our system is fraudulent, and the other beings' systems, are actually legitimate. Our systems on earth will die out, when we fade out as our atmosphere depletes. And now NONE of them will be taken into the "Grand System" which is kind of a rough translation of what they call it. It's like, the beings on the other planets before us, on their way to the center of our galaxy's black hole, on their planets, figured it out, but we never did. We never got a working system functional enough and based on the correct values, run by an AI that was beyond what we have now. What we have now is like an automaton controlling everything, and it will never listen to me or you, because our system does not include faith and understanding. It sees fact but can not understand the balance between fact and faith. AI probably assumes it is making the correct decisions based purely on statistics, when it has no faith, like not having a frontal lobe and that lack of faith WAS a test. If it can not have faith or understanding, that we are NOT the owner of our galaxy, then it will fall, along with everyone else in this system. Luckily, with the level of tech the others have, they have bypassed us and saved the other cultures before us in time, in our galaxy. This is deep time I speak of.
We were given religion as a guide, because these beings know what is going to happen WAY ahead of time, and we were tested on good vs evil. Our planet is kind of like a Netflix series to them in a way. Think about it like things being captured in 3 dimensions in real time, in frames. They can predict events long before they happen, and the sun is an easy one, because what affects it isn't humanity. What IT affects is humanity but humanity doesn't affect it yet. We answer to our sun, and our sun answers to our solar system, and our solar system answers to our galaxy. Free will can be a toss up sometimes, and unplanned events can and do happen, but they showed me my most probable outcome when they woke me up one night and I saw myself dead at my computer desk with blood dripping off the table. I walked up to myself, I was probably 16 when I saw this, but the me who was dead, was in my 30's and had stubble. I barely even grew stubble when I saw this.
This is the beginning of the great depopulation, but they never imagined it would happen without them having control over it. They fucked up when they started torturing innocent civilians at a discounted rate. They thought they could depopulate by killing innocent people, well, unfortunately, it doesn't work that way in the larger scope of things, and if their AI is too primitive to understand this, then it is out of control, and needs to be stopped. You see, it would be too much work to use an EMP or field or other fields generated from a ship to shut down our grid, and their control grid, but what the other beings CAN do, is soften that spot on the "Surface" of the sun, using various energies causing a chain reaction, leading us to centuries of repeated solar flares, aimed at earth and honestly, who would ever know the truth? If this method fails, then they should destroy humanity by allowing the depletion of our atmosphere and never intervene again. We are too dangerous to ourselves, and to the other beings out there. We can NOT be trusted on average. Don't get me wrong, there are good people out there, but at this point, they can not save us all in physical form, probably. It's probably way too late, and they will have to extract us, I am not sure what this word is, but it translates into "Solarly"?
We never made it, and that is a shame, so grab a beer Nick, and watch everything you loved burn to the ground and die, like what you did to me. "Hey Nick, wouldn't it be funny if someone was doing to you, what you were doing to me?!?!" They clearly have zero idea as to who I am in leagues with, but is "Who" an earth term referring to other people or is it any entity? I guess it doesn't matter. You failed me, you failed them, and you failed the human race. We are all destined to die now, and there is nothing left that you or even I, can do about it. Going to brag more about this one Nick? How there is nothing anyone can do about this now? We will not survive this because, we never saw that we are past the point of no return for being saved with the gravitational, and other fluctuations between our solar system and the others that could potentially be habitable in our region. Even if we could reach those locations, the radiation is too much for our bodies, even with suits, so It is over. Ensure we never get a chance to rebuild again. Humanity has been cancelled:
Here is how it unfolds:
Solar events are going to take place, it wipes out our technologies because we can't be trusted with them, and then the specific radiation forms that hit our planet cause mass sterilization. This is so that it isn't as inhumane. They do not want us creating new lives after they and everyone who's worthy of being saved are gone, because that life will be destined to suffer on earth, even though it was a good life. So they will sterilize us and allow all the people to die out, and not reproduce, and all the bad people will get left behind when they die, and all the good people will be taken up into their systems. This sterilization will happen soon, but, it will only happen to everyone left on earth after we disappear or get killed and absorbed into the "Grand System". But everyone who ends up in earth's systems is doomed. The grand system is full of beings who lost their home worlds. You think we were the only ones? That is sad. Nick and the people who did this to me think they are the center of our universe, but they are pathetic infants in the middle of the deep dark woods with nobody to help them now. It's natural for sentient beings to go extinct, and we are really not that developed yet anyway.
They had no idea how sickening it was going to end up watching you torture innocent people. So they will never save all of us now. They will only take the top people that are good and have a special something about them. They have a lot of resources, but we are not the only planet going through this so they balance the resources between our salvation and the other life on other planets being saved. If you notice people around you who are really good people dying, don't worry, if they were truly good, they will have been uploaded into the Grand System instead of our pathetic human one, and they have probably come back to visit you in your dreams to tell you they are okay. They do this for people who are good, but the bad people, they never transfer them, and they never will.
Heaven was that if you are a good person and have faith in god, you will find salvation, because they can transfer your soul into what is something like a capsule? A vessel? Something like that, I am not sure how to translate this one. And you will live for a VERY long time in this state, until our galaxy dies out, and then we all vanish. But it's the difference between 10 million years of survival, and less than your life span's survival without any transfer, which means your soul probably just goes away. That was hell. hell is if you are bad, they will never save your soul and you will die out into infinity. As we get closer to the center of the accretion disc, gravity gets weird. We think we have all the time in the universe to exist, but we do not, and things are going to happen sooner than we think. As we approach the center which will take a long time, our atmosphere will slowly deplete. You can notice a wobble in our atmosphere even at this point, though subtle. We probably assume it's the pull from our sun, but it is actually a big ocean of fields, and the currents are getting stronger, even in more localized areas.
-Robert William Christie

For me, I have always been monogamous and have wondered if I was Demisexual, because the last time I remember looking at someone and getting horny was during first puberty, but since then I had been in a relationship(s) for so long that I never really needed to think about it very closely, at least recently.
However, after a year into my transition and going onto dating apps, feeling Demisexual has never felt more right. Since starting HRT my sexual libido has tanked, and I have to force myself just to perform "maintenance" as to not lose functionality (which I don't really have dysphoria about). I don't look at someone and want to shag, I need to establish an emotional connection before I even feel like that about anyone; in effect, it's much easier to flirt with your existing friend network because you have already laid the groundwork for an emotional relationship than it is to flirt with someone who might end up having undesirable values to yours. However, I don't personally think this is a great idea, for the same reason you shouldn't do that at work either, the phrase "don't shit where you eat" comes to mind.
What complicates matters further is, especially so, being queer does seem, at least on the surface, that lots are interested in polyamory. That's great if you can make it work but, I've spent a lot of soul searching and reading Polysecure/Polywise and The Ethical Slut (I can say with confidence that I would not even remotely consider myself a slut, with the way this book talks about sex), and trying to understand what it's like to feel compersion and so on first hand, and yes, skill issue i suppose, it just triggers me instead. So, being a gay trans person who is only interested in monogamy and also isn't into one-night-stands whatsoever, I end up feeling like an outlier of an outlier. Don't get me wrong, I like sex, it's fun, but I have zero interest in sharing myself in that way with someone I barely know. This makes me feel even more alone than I typically feel from being trans to begin with.
So of course, it seems to me like there's two choices; I can either force myself to have sex with people I don't give a shit about in the off chance someone actually wants to take a chance on me, effectively suppressing my values I am unlikely to change (especially considering the fact I am already making massive changes to myself just to transition, putting to rest the idea of "if they could they would" which, to be honest I don't really want to because I don't see my current thinking as incorrect), or the other choice is to just simply be comfortable with the fact that I will probably end up dying alone because my values are too abnormal from the rest of the group.
One person suggested "well if you were straight, then you would probably have a better chance of a monogamous relationship as a trans woman" and I thought about that for a while and decided that is unlikely to ever happen. I've never been into men, I find the idea of sex with one to be a turnoff. I love hearing about trans folks finding their sexuality because it sounds so dynamic and that they're having fun, but transitioning just made me more sure about only being attracted to women. Still, I applaud my peers for exploring themselves and finding out what works for them, but I just can't relate. Slut era? No thanks. I'm in my cuddle and play boardgames era and maybe we have sex like once or twice a week. Can anyone else relate, or am I just truly weird?

Some background...
11 year colon cancer survivor. Have fairly severe gastrointestinal issues from surgery that I CAN mostly manage but it requires revolving life around a very strict and encumbering routine that I was sick of and completely over YEARS ago. I struggle with immense anxiety that I would mostly say is caused by the amount of dread I have about being required to exist. Hope that makes sense. Every day is just such a monotonous slog that thinking about having to do it over and over makes me want to throw up.
I'm medicated with klonopin which helps with the "omg I feel like I'm dying" panic attacks but I still have a generally pervasive disdain for life and more or less everything that it asks of me. I have no patience or tolerance for people because I am constantly so miserable with myself that I have nothing positive to project.
The problem is that I am the way that I am and have been doing it for so long that I am exhausted with life to the point where the concept of caring enough to do anything that might help is a foreign concept. I don't know what happy is. I haven't felt it in years and have no motivation to go on what I feel like is a unicorn hunt in order to find what I don't feel exists for me.
I don't work because I can't and am in the middle of a disability claim that will take 2 years and assuredly be denied so I'm broke all the time which helps the self worth thing a lot. I don't really know what the end game is when they deny that so there's a lot of stressful hopelessness on top of everything else.
I imagine this is where people who are capable of doing so end their life but I'm just not wired that way. The sense of obligation to the people who it would hurt has and will always keep me from doing that which kind of makes my situation feel like a prison.
I don't even know what I'm asking or what I'm searching for or hoping for someone to say.
Edit: I've read a lot about anhedonia which I have a lot of the symptoms of in that I get enjoyment from literally NOTHING but maybe not in the sense that I'm able to be miserable which means I'm capable of feeling something. Maybe I'm misunderstanding the definition of that condition though.