One night in chyna streeming

Unverifiable backstory, wouldn't say lifelong fan, but i've been riding hard since 2009.
Over the course of the majority of my adulthood, i've been in love with this band. From early adolescence when everything was brand new and jaw dropping and you realize you've found the band you've been looking for you whole life. Zoom through the next 14 years, they've always been there in the front of your brain, but you've stepped away, you've come back, you've matured out of it, you come back...
Anyway, much like animal collective, my cannabis use has been sporadic and off-and-on, but I just got the house to myself and a joint to myself, and I decided to try out the new material.
And my god-- I genuinely think some of these new songs might be the pinnacle of their discographies. I mean, for me personally, I sat down with noise cancelling headphones and just allowed myself to sink in, and holy shit. Defeat. What a ride. A tedious, anxiety ridden ride, but they really reward you at each step. Magicians in Baltimore is also a huge standout. Try to track panda's fills through the upbeat section, he's gotten SO creative with the drums. The Kids on Holiday release was a tasty surprise, as I was fortunate to be at the show for that one. Was amped to hear an old familiar favorite be brought up to speed with the new level of expertise they have now.
Anyway, I'm just high and think this band deserves all the credit in the world. Good night!

I have a roommate who is a hugeee swifty and she talks about her a LOT. I used to be indifferent about Taylor but recently have begun to really dislike her specifically because of how obnoxious and obsessed I’ve seen this roommate be lmao anyway, since being with this roommate I’ve realized that Taylor’s fans theorize about EVERYTHING and Taylor plays into it and leaves “clues” and it’s WILD.
Every lyric is some reference to some other line/song on a different album, or some strange experience the fans all know about but the general public doesn’t, etc. For example, through my roommate I learned that her album Midnights allegedly outlines 13 ~sleepless nights~ (which is her favorite number) and then TTPD begins with the song Fortnight which means she’s starting the album on the 14th night ???? and there are a bunch of those kind of clues and tidbits on every song. and the swifties go hard decoding everything. Like my roommate will SET AN ALARM to wake up in the middle of the night to see what new song she plays at every show of the tour.
and I get it. I used to be a fan of One Direction and there were a bunch of fan theories and we looked into every new release and tried to decode them. But it seems like Taylor truly does play into these theories and she literally leaves breadcrumbs everywhere.
I wonder if her songs on TTPD would be this popular and her fans this obsessed without the ~lore~ around her releases? I feel like the songs don’t stand up as stand-alone songs. They HAVE to be connected to some other thing the fans have theorized in order to be interesting to them. It’s kind of an ingenious marketing strategy if you think about it. I hadn’t heard anyone talk about it before but I want to know everyone’s thoughts!!!

As of maybe the last several months, it's become common for me to have a string of really good days. But they don't last.
And when I say really good, I mean REALLY good. I'm on my A game, I'm confident, I'm social, I'm hilarious... yeah I still have a low hum of depression/anxiety in the background but it's very easy to manage.
However, it's not always easy to manage these good moods and I can get so swept up in it that I accidentally burn myself out - it's like my brain short circuits and forces me to shut down.

Recently I had about two weeks of very high emotions and was the most social I'd been in a while. I got to a point where I could manage it fairly well, but my emotions (good and bad) were still very sensitive.
One day I only slept for 2 hours yet went clubbing the night after because I had so much energy. That has never happened.
After the two weeks, I became overstimulated at work and felt very self destructive, anxious, then so depressed and exhausted that I couldn't sit up and had to take two days off.
Is it just burn out? Maybe I should have socialised less, despite really wanting to? But I don't like ignoring my desires.
Is this something anyone else has had? I just want to understand how it works and if I can do anything to manage it better.
Context:
I'm an adult, female, not on any new meds or new drugs, and may also have autism and ADHD.
People do tend to overstimulate me, but I'm usually a lot better at managing my social battery.

Good morning! I’m an experienced player visiting from America and would love to have one session before I return home Wednesday. I’m hoping that there would be someone willing to let me join in their table for a night. Like I said, I’m an experienced gamer with my stories featured in AllThingsDND as well as Den of the Drake.

Hi All,
I need to share something important. I've been married for six years and we have a baby boy. However, our marriage has suffered a lot, and we've had many fights. I have a skin condition called vitiligo, which isn't very visible. Only my family and a few close friends know about it. I didn't tell my wife or her family before we got married.
Recently, our son (2Y) was diagnosed with a different disorder(which is not Vitiligo), and it's been very tough for us. We started therapy for him and are committed to doing everything we can. We don't have any fights now. Only focusing on boy. Wife also so much attached to me and financially stabled.
I'm worried my son might get vitiligo from me, even though no one else in my family has it. Still I feel it's started inside his mouth but the doc said it was due to the milk stain and my wife too. Since he is young even doc would give any treatment for vitiligo I guess. I regret not telling my wife about my condition. Now, I'm afraid that revealing it could break our marriage and affect our son's therapy/treatment.
I'm struggling to handle everything. My parents told me to keep it a secret, thinking it wouldn't be passed down.They did great to me always and are also terriied now. My wife's family trusts me, and I feel like I've betrayed that trust. They all went through a lot due of our previous fights ( wife had few suicide attempts ) and father in law passed away few years back.
I need advice and support. I want to do what's best for my son, but I'm overwhelmed by my secret and its potential consequences.
I always feel I am the worst ever son/husband/father. Many sleepless nights. I went completely selfish. Why me ?I should have accepted my condition and lived alone. Because of me my son life also spolied.
Sometimes I feel of ending life, but who will take care of boy. I know I wouldn't do this.. nightmare came true.
Thank you..

The dungeon master described the party stepping through the wizard's portal into the plane of Elemental Chaos. "Before you lies a tempestuous sea of ever-changing terrain and clashing elements. The portal has opened onto a planetoid floating in the sea of shifting energies. Standing a ways away is a giant humanoid figure that seems to be made out of some of the same energies."
"Giant?" Sara asked?
"Yeah, it's like fifty feet tall. Looking upon its face makes your gut wrench as its face is a pool of ever-churning distorted energies. Make a save versus fear."
The players snatched up dice bags. Twenty-sided dice were rolled all around the table, but Mary, sitting to the right of Sara, noticed that Sara hesitated.
"What did you call these things again?" Sara asked. "Primordials? I didn't really imagine that they'd be so ugly or terrifying... or big."
"Oh, fine," the dungeon master responded. "Ambriel the rogue can have advantage on this check. What is your roll?"
Sara picked up an extra dice, tossed them into the bowl on the table and squinted at them in the dim light of the basement. "I got an eight." she said, frowning.
"Sorry, Ambriel and anyone else that got below a ten is afraid of the figure and will be at a disadvantage for initiative. The figure lets out a scream that sounds like an avalanche in a hurricane. Roll initiative!"
"Nineteen!" the boy across the table said. "Fifteen!" said another after rolling some dice. "I have a plus two, and I only got a twelve." said Mary.
"What about you Sara?" the dungeon master asked.
"Um, I don't want to fight it. Can I try talking to it?"
"I guess so," said the dungeon master, frowning. "What will you try saying to it?
"Well first," Sara started, "Is it at its house?"
The dungeon master and the boys across the table erupted into laughter. The dungeon master managed to stop laughing and reply. "These things don't have houses. They just live outside in the chaos."
"Oh." Sara looked disappointed. "I thought they would have houses." and then quieter. "Maybe a family."
The dungeon master laughed again. "What are you going to say to it?"
"I guess I'll say: 'Greetings friend! Do you know which way it is to the Dark Wizard Malik's tower?'"
The dungeon master laughed yet again. "It doesn't seem to understand what you're saying. It screams again and then attacks. Do you have your initiative number yet?"
Mary had been glaring at the dungeon master. He finally noticed her expression and slouched down, a sheepish look crossing his face as if he knew he was going to be in trouble.
Sara frowned, rolled her dice, and then stated "Six."
The party proceeded to fight with the primordial and Sara participated but wasn't really enjoying the situation. After the beast fell the party raced to loot its corpse.
"What did we find?" the boy across the table asked eagerly.
"Nothing, of course!" the dungeon master announced with some glee in his voice. "The primordial's body has evaporated and merged with the endless chaos around you."
"Well that's at least one thing you got right." Sara said.
"What do you mean?" Mary asked.
"Oh, forget it." Sara responded.
The end of the combat signaled the end of the evening since it was already past eight. The friends scooped dice and character sheets back into their bags, cleaned up the snacks, and said their goodbyes for the evening. Sara walked up the stairs and into the front yard with the other two boys. Chris's mom was there to pick up him and Tyler. She waved at them as they drove away and then started toward her own house just down the street.
The walk was only five minutes, if she took her time, and she had walked this street a hundred times before. She was enjoying the breeze and the crisp night air and didn't notice when the footsteps behind her started. When she noticed them she'd picked up her pace but they grew uncomfortably close. Sara spun around and was faced with a figure in the shadows behind her. It was only a few feet away but she couldn't make out a face.
"What do you want?" She asked the shadow. It did not respond. It did, however, step forward into the glow of the nearby street light. Still, its form appeared like a pitch black hole in the world; a torn place in space the shape and size of a man. The shadow reached toward Sara and she knew that this was an undead being. It had been hoping it could claim the life force of a human this evening; to pull her into the shadow realm and keep her there till she had faded away and become another shadow. Unfortunately for the shadow, she was not a victim that could be claimed so easily.
Sara dropped her book back and grabbed the shadow's arm, glancing down the street to make sure it was clear. Then she released her human disguise and pulled the shadow closer. She stared into the colorless void where its eyes should have been and the shadow stared back into the ever-changing distortion that her face had become. Lightning arced across Sara's skin that now appeared to be made of a roiling mass of stone and waves of pure water.
Sara's outline blurred and her humanoid form faded almost completely, leaving a cloud of elements ever fighting for position, yet she didn't let go of the shadow. The shadow was in a panic now, struggling and desperately trying to free itself from her grasp, to no avail. Sara pulled the shadow inside her cloud and it was ripped and torn by every element until it was gone in just a moment.
Sara concentrated for a moment and reached a human hand out of her cloud of chaos, and picked up her book bag. She formed an arm and shoulder to put the bag on, then a head and some feet and finally squeezed the last bit of her cloud into the shape of a green jacket. "Was she wearing a blue jacket before or a green one?" she asked herself. "I guess it doesn't really matter." she answered, and changed the jacket to blue.
***************************
Sara, Chris and Tyler walked up the stairs out of the basement, leaving Mary and the dungeon master still sitting at the table. The dungeon master was shuffling some papers, his mind racing with ideas for the next session. Mary stared at him, arms crossed and after a moment she finally spoke. "That was mean, Brian."
Brian looked up from his papers. "What?" he asked defensively with a worried look on his face.
"The primordial we met tonight in the game. That wasn't cool." She mocked an imitation of Brian: "It just lives outside in the chaos. Its sooooo ugly and scary." She crossed her arms again and stared daggers at him. Brian was silent and just looked down at his lap.
"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I thought we were supposed to act like we didn't know..."
"You know she's not going to keep playing with us if you keep being an asshole, right?"
Brian frowned and was quiet.
"Don't you like her playing with us?" Mary continued. "She's a way better rogue than Johnathan was. If she leaves and Johnathan finds out we have room at the table then we might have to let him join the party again. Is that what you want?"
Brian shuddered. "No. I do like her playing with us. She is a pretty awesome rogue." They sat in silence for a minute. "I'll make it better next week. I have some ideas."
"Good." Mary stood up and walked to the stairs. "We'd better not be fighting a changeling or a dragon next week." she said with a laugh.
The outside air was cool and crisp; the twilight had faded already and the streetlights were on. Chris and Tyler had left already; their mom always picked them up. Sara lived at the end of the street. Mary looked down the street toward Sara's house and near the other end of the street she saw Sara, almost home. Mary shivered as she watched as a shadow approached Sara. Mary then watched as Sara discorporated into a chaotic mass of lightning arcs and flame over a roiling mass of rocks and water. In another moment she had absorbed the shadow and it was gone. Those shadows gave her the creeps and she was glad another one was gone. Mary's parents had told her many times how they were lucky to have the Smiths living on their street. "Good girl." Mary whispered as she watched Sara pick up her book bag and put on her human disguise for the rest of her walk home. Mary walked back into the house.
***************************
Sara reached the end of the street, hopped up the porch stair to her front door and walked inside, locking the door behind her. Inside, her mother and father were lounging on the sofa watching a reality TV show together. Her dad waved a friendly tendril of water at her and turned his attention back to the show. Sara's mom floated up and across the room, her pattern of fire and stone indicated concern.
"Is everything okay honey?"
"Well" Sara started slowly. "In tonight's game we finally met a primordial, but the party just killed it. The dungeon master thought it looked scary." Sara dismissed her human disguise, released a small puff of smoke and slouched a bit. "Are they ever going to accept us for who we are?"
Sara's mom wrapped her in a hug. "Your friends do like you dear. It doesn't matter that you don't look like they do."
"Yeah, I guess you're right mom. Thanks." She brightened up a bit, her waves of water crashing in a happy whirlpool. She started up the stairs to her room but halfway up she turned around and said "Oh yeah, I got another shadow on the way home." Her mom, who had already returned to the sofa, crashed a tiny avalanche of stone in approval and then returned to watching the show.

As of maybe the last several months, it's become common for me to have a string of really good days. But they don't last.
And when I say really good, I mean REALLY good. I'm on my A game, I'm confident, I'm social, I'm hilarious... yeah I still have a low hum of depression/anxiety in the background but it's very easy to manage.
However, it's not always easy to manage these good moods and I can get so swept up in it that I accidentally burn myself out - it's like my brain short circuits and forces me to shut down.

Recently I had about two weeks of very high emotions and was the most social I'd been in a while. I got to a point where I could manage it fairly well, but my emotions (good and bad) were still very sensitive.
One day I only slept for 2 hours yet went clubbing the night after because I had so much energy. That has never happened.
After the two weeks, I became overstimulated at work and felt very self destructive, anxious, then so depressed and exhausted that I couldn't sit up and had to take two days off.
Is it just burn out? Maybe I should have socialised less, despite really wanting to? But I don't like ignoring my desires.
Is this something anyone else has had? I just want to understand how it works and if I can do anything to manage it better.
Context:
I'm an adult, female, not on any new meds or new drugs, and may also have autism and ADHD.
People do tend to overstimulate me, but I'm usually a lot better at managing my social battery.

RAAHHHHH THE FREEDOM Y’ALL!!!! NOT GONNA LIE I STILL WAKE UP IN MIDDLE OF NIGHT AND STRESSED OVER MY EE BUT THEN I REALISED THAT IM NO MORE AN IB STUDENT 👿🤟🏻 AND ALSO I ATTACHED ONE OF THE MEMES I MADE AFTER MY LAST EXAM.

It’s been a week since my partner told about his PA/SA the day before our anniversary and came to light about multiple things he’s lied about throughout our relationship.
He has also been recording me throughout our arguments and I believe he has been doing it for a really long time. On Sunday he told me that he can’t just quit and it’s too hard. On Friday, I told him it’s our family (Our daughter is expected to be born in October. This is my first pregnancy/baby & same for him so there has been multiple stressors in our life currently and he projects and blames everything on me ) or the porn and he said alright, I’ll quit. Giving it zero effort. He says, “I’m just telling you what you want to hear.” It was almost a slap to the face. It felt so cruel.
Anyways, fast forward to nighttime. He wanted to have sex. I share with him multiple articles 10 minutes prior talking about how porn is a sin/lusting after other women is against our relation, etc. Then he wanted to just have sex. I say, I don’t feel comfortable around you especially emotionally after what has happened this week so no. So he says, “All I want to do is just a bust a nut” and just decides to whip it out and take care of it himself. Yep, there goes our intimacy in our relationship. Just shows the porn has altered him to view me as just an object.
Besides all of this, our relationship is totally toxic. Red flags everywhere. We are in a family vacation and at 11:30 pm at night he tells my family and I, he is no longer comfortable around us and doesn’t want to be here. He’s drama. Drama. Drama. On top of this all, he wants to start drinking and partying again.
Safe to say, he does not want to be a husband or a father. He doesn’t want to settle down. He wanted to play house for a year and now that I’m like hey, I have standards I don’t want my fiancé going out every weekend and lusting after other women and not being an encouraging/supportive partner to me he’s just totally not on board.
He’s not actively doing his therapy either which I believe causes a huge impact on his episodes. He does well with projecting and blaming me for his flaws. He tells me my therapy isn’t working and I’m the toxic one.

I am a 20-year-old guy. I was in a long-distance relationship that got very toxic, and we broke up in April. My girlfriend (19) was preparing for her exams, and I was also looking for jobs. I got a good internship at a good company, but she was still struggling with her preparation. I always helped her with her math. We were having so many fights; she always brought up breaking up and blamed me for everything in our relationship.
Just as I was about to start my new internship and move to a new city, we got into another fight because I wanted to talk to her, but she didn't and just went to sleep, ignoring me. After that fight, I tried to fix things, but she kept saying we couldn't stay together and that we were not compatible. Similar things had happened in the past, where we had a break just before I started my previous internship, and I cried for 10 days straight, telling her I was sorry. In the end, she said, "I love you, let's give us another chance." Due to that experience, I didn't want to repeat the same for this opportunity too. I said, "Fine, let's break up," because I was so devastated and had tried everything to fix our relationship. At that moment, I felt like I couldn't do anything alone. She was also worried about her exams, and I didn't want her preparation to be affected by me, so I said let's take a break.
As days passed, I avoided contacting her. Then a situation arose on my end: my university was having problems with me switching my internship, and they said they were going to detain me for the semester. It got very serious, so I had to work from home and travel quickly to my university. I told her about this, but she was very cold and showed no reaction. I thought she would say something different, but she didn't. I booked a flight immediately and traveled that night. On my way after the flight, my phone got stolen in the metro. At my university, the situation was also not good. Despite all this, I thought she would call me and speak with me, but she didn't. I didn't want to disturb her because her exam was in two days. I waited, thinking I would talk to her after her exam.
My university was pressuring me so much that I couldn't do my work. I didn't have a phone, and my university was not listening to me. There was no solution at that time, and I was feeling very down. The day of her exam came, and I texted her to ask how it went. She said, "Not so good." I told her it was okay and not to worry, that she tried her best, and I motivated her. She thanked me, and then I asked if we could talk. She said no because she wasn't in a good mood, and I wasn't either. I insisted that we should talk to avoid things getting worse between us, but she refused. We had a call where she wasn't paying attention to me. When I told her I wasn't fine and needed to talk, she said nothing. My phone's battery drained very fast, so I texted her how much I wanted to talk to her and how much I needed her, but she didn't reciprocate.
I eventually gave up and texted her some harsh things to get a reaction out of her, and she finally started replying, which was kind of funny. I apologized immediately and continued to apologize the next day and the day after that. I suggested taking a break and then getting back together, but she said no to every possibility. I concluded that it was over.
I felt like, what's the point of this relationship if she can't help me in such a situation? I was there for her, but she was not there for me.
I waited a week, hoping she would message me, but she didn't. Then I thought I should visit her next month after getting my salary. I was very anxious at that time. I tried to speak to her, but she again said no. After that, I was very confused. A friend of mine told me, "Bro, do whatever gives you peace." At that moment, I realized that even if I visited her, things wouldn't change because I was ready, but she was not. I realized I had been dumped, and I had anxiety attacks and other issues. I also had to perform at my job, and everything was very messy. She blocked me during all this time.
After two weeks, I realized I should move on. I started talking to a girl I met on a dating app. We had night-long calls, and she seemed cool. She was into art, and I felt like I wanted to learn art to express myself. I thought of dating her to see where things would go. For our first date, she invited me to her place, which was weird, but I didn't think much of it because if something bad happened to me, I would be fine with that (I was suicidal). We watched a movie, and before I left, she moved close to me, and we kissed. After that, I asked more about her past relationships, which were not that great.
I suddenly realized what a mistake I made because I knew I wasn't going to stay with her long. On our second date, I conveyed this to her, and she said it was fine. She also didn't want any attachments and just wanted to go with the flow. We made out again (no intercourse). After the second date, my guilt got to me, and I told her I couldn't be physical with her if we weren't going to be together because I didn't want that. She said, "Chill, it's okay, we're both having fun," but I stopped talking to her. However, the guilt of moving on too quickly and the realization that I wasn't going to be with my ex ever hit me hard.
I felt like I had lost all my chances. My ex was the love of my life, and now I realize she just needed time to work on herself. If I had been patient, everything might have been fine. After a few days, I had a call with my ex, breaking the no-contact rule, and it turned into an argument. The next day, she called me, apologizing for her mistakes. After that call, I started having feelings for her again. I got desperate and forgot all the bad things that had happened in the past. But I didn't have the courage to tell her what I had done in the meantime. I told her I was very confused and wanted her back, even though I hated her a few days ago.
I was getting very messy. She told me we couldn't be together, that she didn't want to give me hope, and that we should work on ourselves and see what happens. I agreed. We both had an unspoken plan to meet after 3-4 months once she got into college. But the guilt of making out with another girl got to me, along with the hope of getting back with my ex and the thought that she might not change.
I wanted to kill that hope. At first, I thought I would confess to her when we met, but I didn't want to be stuck on that thought for months. One day, she messaged me, and I told her everything. She hung up the call and blocked me. The next day, I called her from my friend's phone and apologized. I said I was very confused about what I wanted and that I didn't know what I was doing. I asked her not to think of me as a bad person and to forgive me. She said I should have waited and that I am the kind of person who moves on easily. She hung up the call again. And here I am.
TLDR: Am I the asshole for moving on from my girlfriend who wanted me to move on from her? She said lots of heartbreaking things to me at the end, and I gave up and moved on too quickly, which I regret now.

I slept fine, I didn’t fall asleep so nicely. I don’t know why, I felt perfectly adequate all evening and then bam I cry myself to sleep. I don’t know how or why, and I didn’t even cry over anything in particular it was just any and everything. And I just kept crying and crying, like a baby. I had to switch pillows twice because I drenched it, but I got to sleep on my favourite pillow by the time I was almost asleep thankfully. I can be so picky with pillows, another thing mum tends to call me, even to this day - the princess and the pea. Or rather she likens me to her… I can’t entirely say I disagree tbh. I just like things a particular way, not all things, I can be relaxed about plenty, but there are some things I just to be just so. My pillows when I sleep for example, how the dishwasher top rack is stacked etc. Entirely inconsequential things really. But anyway. I didn’t fall asleep so nicely. I woke up feeling better, still a bit sad but nothing I couldn’t ignore.
It’s now 12:58pm and I’ve done next to nothing. I’ve been watching BT, I’m not writing the name of the show because I feel like that might be search heavy at the moment? So I’ve been watching that, I’m midway through the third episode now and there are four out so far. I’ve also painted some of my lil clay things with primer. And that’s about it. I really need to clean and tidy my room but the idea of it… ugh. I don’t want to :(
I’m loving BT so much. I like the stories and characters and stuff, but I mostly love the sets and costumes. They’re just so luxuriously opulent and uggghhhhhhh I want to just stare it all. Sometimes I wish they would clear out the cast and just give us a tour of the rooms and show all the details of the gowns. But like I learned in therapy, beauty is something I value highly, not in a vain way but in the way I utterly adore beautiful things whether it be a stunningly ornate wallpaper, a sparkly bead encrusted gown or even a leaf that is the perfect shade of green. I just love it all and it brings me so much joy, more than I realised now that I’m conscious of this value of mine. But the BT house itself, particularly the drawing room ommmmgggg. The blue? I think it’s called wedgewood blue from memory, with the creamy/white detailing. And all the light streaming through. It’s so dreamy. And it makes me love my blue and white bedroom more. And the gowns!!!!!!! I wish I could roll around in them, they’re so sparkly and detailed and beyond beautiful. Particularly the ones crusted in beading and with the luxurious silks and satins and velvets and taffetas and organza and all of it. And the colours! It’s all so dreamy. I don’t overly love the style of a lot of the gowns, that sort of empire line, mainly because it only looks good on women with fewer curves and a flatter chest, they can look gorrrrrrrgeous in them. But otherwise if you have any kind of cleavage it looks so weird and bleh. I love Penelope so much, she’s always been a favourite character and she honestly deserves the very best. And Colin definitely got a glow up prior to this season. His brown coat is so delicious. I’m beginning to wonder if I should read the series…? I do love a lil historical romance. Anyway I don’t even Penelope and Colin to end up together, I mean Lord Debling is so lovely and Colin is off sleeping with hookers… like? Then again I know I am wrong in how I think and feel about all of this. I know I have expectations ghat are unfair, I mean maybe not for everyone but if I’m nothing special and therefore not enough then can I criticise. This doesn’t make sense. Anyway. Actually nevermind I just watched the fourth episode and I am very much Team Colin. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!!!!!!!! But now I have to wait for part two in mid June :(
I’m going to the office tomorrow. I don’t want to. But oh well. I’m going to make a concerted effort to get back in twice a week - I’ve been slack with it and it doesn’t help me become better. Leaving the house more is important, so this shall be one of the ways. I’m also going to get some new sneakers and a walking jacket so I can go for walks more regularly. I’d like to go several times a week, but I’ll work up to that. I love my walks, I love them a lot but I just get filled with every negative emotion when I go for them around my house, to the point I’ll start having tears running down my cheeks or shaky trembly hands - it’s pathetic. I think environment is everything, and purpose. When I walk pups at my parents I don’t feel these things, I’ll be a little anxy but nothing I can’t manage. But here? It’s so hard. It’s so stupid I know. But I love walking, I feel better when I do it regularly, so I shall keep forcing myself to do it until I feel okay about it. I know this is what I have to do, but the way it makes me feel inside… it never feels worth it. To be 20 minutes walk from home and feel on the verge of a panic attack is NOT a good feeling and it only makes my panic worsen. So baby steps. I’ve been considering on and off moving to a different area, I think I would feel more comfortable in other areas, I don’t know why I don’t here but I don’t. But moving elsewhere is no different to running from problems so I will sort it out here.
I broke his little bowl. I didn’t mean to :( I feel kind of upset about it, it’s been two weeks in the making with time to shape, dry, prime and I was doing a final layer of primer pre paint and my stupid finger went through the base. So I guess it would never have been a good present anyway because it broke so easily. But I bought a really pretty coloured paint because I thought he might like it and I just feel upset. I showed him it, idk why, I just messaged him a picture of it now and I already wish I hadn’t. I shouldn’t have even made anything for him in the first place, he’s made it abundantly clear he doesn’t care for homemade things - cards, presents, whatever. If he did like them he would comment on them, and he never does, so maybe it’s a good thing this broke. I just like sharing things with him, like when I draw and I like a tree I’ve drawn I want to show him, except I don’t because I’m utterly rubbish at drawing and it makes me look like a five year old. I at least appreciate his honesty, or transparency rather. It means I can understand what he does and doesn’t like. I just think his likes don’t mesh with my like of making homemade cards and presents. It’s not like I only give him that though. Anyway it doesn’t matter, plus it’s probably better for me to not share things like this given I don’t have any skill or natural talent with it. Just because you enjoy something doesn’t make you good at it.
I don’t feel so great this afternoon, mood wise.
I’ve done the absolute bare minimum with my room, and the bar was set very, very low today. I tidied the floor up a bit, I made my bed, did a lazy tidy of my vanity desk thing.. that’s about it. I’ll do more across the week.
I feel.. detached today. This afternoon, rather. I know I love my family, Andy, puppy… etc. I just can’t feel it. I know it’s all in there, but I feel detached and I can’t reach it. This isn’t unusual, I just always try to describe the feeling and always fail. I think knowing I care but not being able to feel myself care sums it up as well as I’ll ever be able to.
I found a little notebook of my early days of therapy, well with this current one, maybe not that early actually but idk. It was just me writing down who I am. The first is “I am a human” because I had to start with the basics. The last line is “I try my best to be friendly” - I think I will continue with this. No one really comments much on me so I will just write it as things feel write. From memory it was also a way to force myself to speak more kindly to myself, ie I am a woman vs I am a monster. And things like I’m generous, I love animals, I am quiet, I try to be patient, I love romance, I appreciate attention to detail, I like to care for others, I am a homebody, I love reading etc. And then scattered amongst it was some honesty, like I can be a control freak, I am quite particular about some things, I am indecisive, I am sensitive etc. And then next to I am a friend I have a question mark. But I want to continue writing these things, I think it’s helpful when I feel lost in myself to be able to read through a list of things I’ve written and be reminded. That sounds so silly to not know who you are sometimes, but sometimes I just feel so unbelievably lost and unmoored from everything, even myself. So I’ll write all the good things, and the bad. I’ll write things that I like, things that I don’t. I’ll write things I want in my life, things I feel like I should want but don’t, things I shouldn’t want but do etc etc etc. It’ll be a little tiny notebook of everything me. I wonder if sometimes it’s possible for me to get any lamer? Unlikely.
I’ve been thinking about stopping journaling here more and more. I get more out of posting it here, it feels like a release, like I’m letting all the thoughts go which is especially helpful with my negative ones, I don’t know.
It’s 5:23pm. I need to wash and blowdry my hair, as it’s still damp in the morning lately. I need to have something for dinner, I guess. I’ve been struggling with eating lately, I feel so ugly and it makes me not want to eat and then that sets off a bad string of things. I’ll have something little, vegemite toast maybe. I need to pack my bag for tomorrow. And that’s it.
I feel better after a shower and chat with Andy, I still feel not good but he perked me up on the outside. He makes me laugh so much :) It’s kind of weird to think I’ll be living long term in Australia, like I’ve always intended on living there - until my mental health and covid messed things up a little for me timeline wise. But to think I’ll maybe say Australian things…? That I’ll say thongs? And I definitely will because I cave quickly, like I was only in the UK two years and I said crisps and trainers and I still do to this day, which I’m actively trying to stop. I wonder what my accent would sound like after like ten years… I really doubt I’d ever lose my accent. It’s funny how I do probably sound a bit different when talking to him versus my mum. I just talk more softly with him, I naturally do anyway to the point I have people comment semi regularly on how soft spoken I am, but idk, I don’t even mean to speak to him a certain way, I just do? And then he hears me talking to mum and I probably sound like I’m wearing Jandals and stubbies while loading up the ute as I prepare for a tramp in the bush. Christ. I do love being from here though, in theory I would rather we live here than Australia, and never say never… but it makes more sense to be there. I don’t really have anyone here other than my parents whereas he has family and friends and his payments and all of it. I don’t really have any ties here. Anyway.
I get to spend time with him tonight :) Night night

I want to start off with saying baby is out of the nicu and has been for months but I think now it’s me struggling.
At 31 weeks I had severe placenta abruption. I will never know why it happened. I woke up at 4am thinking I had peed myself, went and sat on the toilet and felt a huge gush. I stood up and realized it was blood and it was everywhere. I mean everywhere. It was coming fast and I didn’t know what to do. I stood in the bathtub screaming for my husband. He got me a towel and pants and we drove to the delivery hospital which thankfully was only 5 minutes away. I was passing huge clots which I thought were me giving birth. It was horrifying. I started having contracts which made me realize I am now in full blown labor. I got a steroid shot and a few other things to try to stop the bleeding but nothing was working. Babies heart rate started dropping and I was rushed into the OR immediately. This was all in a 1 hour span. I don’t remember I lot past that. I have pictures thankfully, but I was just so blank minded at that moment that it’s been erased from my mind.
My son spent 50 days in the NICU which we all know is draining, tiring, and stressful. But it was also rewarding. Seeing my son get bigger and healthier kept me going.
For a long time I just put it into the back of my mind. I had conversations about placenta abruption and I never had flash backs or anything. I felt I was more raising awareness and felt good doing it because before it happened to me, I had no idea it was even a thing.
I am now almost 7 month pp. my son is doing great, finally getting over his reflux and is turning into a really happy boy, but now it’s me that’s having issues. Recently I have been thinking about what happened more and more. It has me sad, angry, and want to cry immediately. Me and my husband have agreed no more kids (Samwise was our first baby) but it’s making me so freaking sad. We’ve always wanted more than one kid and placenta abruption has ruined that chance for us. I now also almost puke when I start my period. I cannot stand it. It honestly makes me sick and instantly makes me feel like I did that night. It wasn’t always like this. Just recently have I started hating my period and bleeding. I can’t even look at it without gagging or wanting to cry. I’m thinking I need therapy now. I don’t know how to go about it being an expat. (I live in the UK but I’m American so I have no one but my husband here) I’ll start looking to that very soon.
Has this happened to anyone that had placenta abruption or very heavy bleeding? Sorry for the long post I just really needed to get this out. I am worried for my mental health. I need to be fully present for my son.

Okay backstory, so my bf(22m) and I (19f) used to do coke together at the beginning of our relationship, not everyday but weekends and occasions. He however would always do a lot more than me, and a lot more often, which wasn’t a problem for a while until I started wanting to cut down. We had a really big fight one night, basically I had said that I’d attend this event with his friends only if they weren’t doing coke, and that if that was the plan it wasn’t a big deal I just wouldn’t be there. He made a huge deal about asking all of his friends about giving it up for the night, telling me it was fine and I wasn’t intruding and told me 100% that no one we were with would be doing coke. Long story short, him and all of his friends were doing it and hiding it, and he didn’t tell me until I figured it out. We fought mostly because of the fact that he lied to me after making such a show about making me comfortable, but also because,,, why couldn’t he give it up for one night? When I specifically asked him? I considered breaking up with him, but left it at “if you lie to me again we’re done”. After that he told me he didn’t want to do it anymore and he never meant to hurt me, that he loved me too much for it to cause problems between us and would never lie to me again. That it scared him how badly he felt like he needed to do it, that he didn’t wanna be doing it forever, etc etc. It’s been about 5 months since then and he hasn’t done any.
Now here for the current issue: I thought we were on the same page about being done with it for good, I gave it up after that too, still have some but haven’t touched it since and the growing healing part of me doesn’t want to. Me and my friend were planning on going to a music festival and I invited him, told him we’d only be drinking and smoking. He essentially said that if he couldn’t do coke there he probably wouldn’t go. I pressed him about it, asked him why he wanted to so bad and if he really thought it wouldn’t be worth it without coke. His reasoning was “because I miss it and it’s fun” “I’m not gonna spend hundreds of dollars just to drink and smoke”. I understand substance issues and I have some of my own, but I’ve been in a relationship before where the substance issues bounce off the other person (terrible experience) and I truly can’t take that step back now that I’ve stopped, as much as I may want to sometimes. I tried to consider being okay with it, asked him thoroughly whether he’d keep using it after the festival or would be able to regulate, or maybe letting him compromise or something. The more I think about it though, I don’t know if i could handle the “fomo” I’d have if he was doing it and I wasn’t, in a bad way. I don’t think I could be okay with him doing it in any capacity. I don’t really see the point in starting again after you’ve already gone so long without. Obviously you want to, it’s addictive, but that’s something you have to work against, and actively steer yourself away from. I don’t know if he’s ready to do that.
I worry especially since he says he misses it that even if he’s fine with not going to the festival at all, he’ll just find another place or event to do it at. I know it may be hypocritical considering we used to do it together, but I don’t think I can be with him unless he’s fully commited to not doing it again. I feel like we’ve been together long enough to grow as people in that time, and I don’t want to do hard drugs anymore (only sometimes). I know part of all his reassurance on not doing it again was probably because he was scared of me breaking up with him, but I thought at least most of it was true. Am I wrong for thinking we were on the same page? I don’t know how to go about this and I don’t want us to break up, but I don’t want to ignore my feelings either.
note: I love my boyfriend so much, we have such a good relationship other than times like these he treats me well and we communicate well and I’ve never felt more loved by anyone, it would kill me for this to be the end of it, it’s not what I want at all. I just worry even if he accepts it, that he’ll just lie to me about it because he knows I’ll break up with him. Best case scenario, he accepts my boundary no matter how begrudgingly and won’t do it again. I’m looking for realism here though and I’m not great at that. I know I can’t magically make him not want to do coke ever again, but how do I go about this in a way that’s not attacking him? I hate to give ultimatums but it kind of is. Maybe it’ll be a simple thing maybe it won’t, I really don’t know. I’m just scared of losing him over this, even if that sounds dramatic.
tl:dr I’m worried my bf’s attitude towards coke is going to either cause problems or ruin our relationship.

Hello,
I woke up to my fitbit at 96bpm. No chest pain. No dizzy. I am usually on My stomach or back. I found it doesn't happen on my side. It is like a bad dream, flush of anxiety, and it makes me unhappy.
About a month ago, I got a prompt on my fitbit and it said afib. When I looked online what this meant, I felt anxious. My doctor moved and I can't find a new one taking patients so, I went to a urgent care.
They did some tests. He manually checked me and I went to their lab for some weird test. He told me I am in good health but these gizmos/smart watches can mistake palpitations or PVCs as that prompt.
What else should I do? I do get night terrors and I have had sleep paralysis before but mostly sleeping on my back. I switched to side laying. I think I wedge myself good for side laying around but I wake up out of position and then it happens. High bpm. Fitbit says 66bpm but I manually checked. 94-96bpm but who knows? It could be higher. I wake up. I wonder about deprivation or sleep apnea?
Any tips or advice is welcome. I don't have a family doctor. The scary part is that, I noticed a lot of young people experiencing this for some reason. Very alarming.

I'm so fucking sick of taking 1-3 hours to fall asleep (yes THREE HOURS) each night and then waking up long before I get 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Whereas I know that many other people fall asleep and for a long time uninterrupted much much faster, like my dad who will be snoring in less than 5 mins. No I don't have any diagnosed sleep disorders, my body in particular is just fucking retarded. Just wound up with this sorry excuse for a body how unfortunate oh well
Tonight I made it a point to sleep extra early, at 11pm, when I had been sleeping at 1-3am for a while before. I took a warm shower, then immediately went to bed without looking at any screens (even if I did, both my phone and computer are perpetually on night mode anyway). I also don't drink alcohol or abuse any substances, basically I should be in good condition to have restful sleep most nights. Well guess what? I actually did fall asleep relatively quickly, probably in under an hour, but my retard fuck body ruins what would be a productive sleep by waking up at 2am and it's been an hour of lying in the dark trying every USELESS fucking sleep help technique i know of (counting backwards from 500, thinking of words for each letter of the alphabet, relaxing muscles one by one... all strategies that seem to work for other people having trouble sleeping but OF COURSE NOT ME), so I give up and I'm here ranting about how much I want to inflict suffering on my own useless noncooperative pussy of a body. Daytime tomorrow I'm probably going to be tired as shit and only THEN I'll fall asleep easily........ hmmmm i wonder why? fucking retard
It's like you don't want to work with me you fucking sorry piece of meat. I work out on most days and stuff food down my body, wayyy more calories than my natural bitch body's appetite, both healthy things that would be expected to help sleep, but then this shit happens? Is this shit youre pulling on me your way of getting revenge on me for putting you through this (exercising and eating like a healthy person)? I'm doing this for you and our health you fucking ingrate.
I also have diarrhea rn, have had it for a few days, I don't even know how the fuck that happens considering that my day to day diet (which is pretty healthy as far as I can tell; good macronutrients, calorie surplus to gain weight, and good amount of water) barely fluctuates. In theory 1L of milk every day may in theory result in the shits, but I have been drinking the same amount of milk everyday for months without any problems (I know it's the same because I buy those 3-pack bags of milk from the store and go through 1 bag/day). And if it turns out im lactose intolerant? Oh well just another entry in my body's massive catalogue of faults, no surprise there.
Speaking of eating, also such a fucking pussy in that regard. Tonight 2am woke up with extreme hunger pangs even though I finished eating, meeting my daily calorie/protein goal right before bed (and lying down or taking a shower soon after eating is apparently bad for you, wow very cool! fucking retarded human body requires so much shit and then refuses to work even when those requirements are met) so im here typing this as i eat goldfish crackers. I spend a disgusting amount of time cooking, shopping and calorie counting (which is fine) but also a disgusting amount of time EATING because my body is, again, a fucking pussy. I am probably one of the slowest eaters I know period, I could probably literally be starving and still take 30min to finish 500cal worth of rice. And the constant gagging that always seems to happen in the latter half of any meal, shut the fuck up and down it you useless sack of shit.
Ok now lets talk about the gym. Weak ass pathetic fucking body, of course i am small and skinny by default because my genetics said fuck you and im stuck with this. I've been training on and off for almost 2 years now yet some people who have literally never touched a weight or counted a single calorie in their life can probably lift more than me and somehow also progress faster and gain faster if they keep going because woohoo genetics!!!! maybe if you decided to cooperate and sleep like a normal functional body you would be much better off physically? unless you want to be a fucking loser for good, you sorry cunt. Now don't get me wrong, I have improved quite a lot over my training, but... see above
I wish I could dissociate my mind, soul and consciousness from my body, give it a retroactive consciousness of its own, and punish it for all the bitchmade shit its been pulling. Don't want to fall asleep? Well I hope you enjoy being fully awake for the whole night because I'm going to be torturing you medieval style the whole time. Thats what you wanted right? Hahahaha. Want to pussy out like usual and nap during the day? Too bad, you asked for it. Bitchmade eating difficulty? I will shove more food down your gullet than you can handle, lets see how you are after that... or I'll completely starve you instead since you don't want to eat right? Fucking cunt. And weak ass body at the gym? Either I'll make sure you train to failure every time until your very sinews are tearing, or I'll let your muscles atrophy to nothing since thats what you wanted right?
And this is just the physical side of things, not even going to get into the other shit. At least I'm mentally okay I guess, don't have depression or anxiety or anything, so we know those arent causing my somatic problems its just my body being fucking stunted
There is so much more I want to get out but it's 4am now and i'm tired on less than 3 hours of sleep and we all know why. yes, it's so fun how I'm too tired to do anything, yet unable to sleep! so very fun!! worst of both worlds, thanks for nothing fucking disabled body. I'm going to TRY to head back to sleep with zero guarantee of success. good night

My son, who is a high school first-year student, goes to school and sleeps as usual every day. He sleeps and gets up in four to five hours. After that, he starts working normally. Takes dinner, sometimes takes a bath, sometimes cleans, washes clothes, and does similar work. But after that, I never saw him doing much schoolwork. He says, "I finished my assignment late at night,"' but I have never seen such a thing. Instead, he watches movies. He has good grades, and he manages his schoolwork well. He has always been the student of the month and has excelled in school.Then, when we get ready for bed, he starts his daily routine like it's a new day, and he walks all over the house while we sleep with the doors closed and the lights off. Going to the bathroom. Looking for food. This is a big problem for us because we are not able to sleep normally, and I also wake up. So I have no sleep there. What should I do about this, and how should I make him spend the day in the right way?
According to him, during school hours, he overworked, completed his schoolwork, and devoted time to extracurricular activities. He never comes home from school work, so he says that he works very hard at school, so I need sleep. So we're not going to bother him too much about that. We let him have a nap after school. But this has now become a huge psychological problem for him and for us because he can't sleep until 2 or 3 a.m. I am very stressed about this as a mother. Sometimes I feel like giving him a sleeping pill to get back to his normal schedule and routine. It disturbs my normal sleep every day. He gets up at one, two, three, four in the morning and walks around the house without making a sound. Not only that, he gets hungry and he looks for food. So this is a big problem for me. I am not able to sleep continuously because of him because his and my rooms are next to each other. I feel him every moment and I wake up. Because of this, I am under tremendous mental stress.Some days I do pick him up after school and take him for a walk or groceries to avoid an early nap before nighttime. But as soon as possible, when we got back home, he fell asleep. That didn't work to kill his urge to sleep because he would fall asleep as soon as we got back home. When he gets up after that, he starts working at ten o'clock in the middle of the night, as usual.If he continues to act like this, I feel he probably won't be able to maintain his normal body. Also, I think he will get sick without getting the proper rest. Please advise me about how I should help my child.

We moved into a pet-friendly apartment over three years ago. We have a large size dog and a cat.
The first night we moved in, the neighbor downstairs came upstairs to and told us a bunch of rules she wanted us to follow. She told us not to take a shower after 9pm because she could hear the water noice. She didn’t want us to walk around too much because she could hear the noise.
This woman filed her first complaint against us within the first week. We were later told by other neighbors that she was schizophrenic and filed complaints against neighbors on a daily basis. The previous tenant in my apartment was complained for using microwave (yes, the machine for heating up food) to steal her credits card information. She called the government agency to report him. The guy ended up moving to a different apartment.
This woman complained about us making noises, allowing our dog outside to bark at her, etc. which were not true. One night she brought a bag of black long hair to the manager saying my dog left the hair in her bathroom and blocked her sink. But I have a white dog! She also told people that my husband was a spy for Russia.
Anyway, the landlord still informed us whenever she complained. We were later told that this woman wasn’t even on the lease. She lived with a person together in that apartment. He didn’t add her to the lease because she might have low credit score or criminal records. The landlord basically allowed this woman who wasn’t a tenant, to harass us.
The harassment stopped after a year or so. This woman came out of her apartment to yell at us when we were going to work in the morning. I told her we would bring her to court and file a restraining order. She stopped confronting us since then.
At the end of last year, the landlord set new rules for pets. They didn’t allow dogs on the balcony without supervision. My dog used to sit on the balcony all day when we were at work. No neighbor except that woman ever complained about her barking. I noticed that my dog only barked at Amazon delivery people, other neighbors’ dogs if they got too close to our balcony, and some of the African Americans (I don’t know why). She stopped when those people walked away. No excessive barking.
Recently, another neighbor started complaining about the dog barking at her. Ever since the new rule, we stopped allowing our dog to sit on the balcony unless either of us was at home to supervise. Whenever the dog barked, we promptly stopped her and brought her back into the apartment. This morning, the landlord sent us a formal notice saying we allowed our dog on the balcony without supervision. A week ago, the landlord called my husband that someone complained about the dog on the balcony. This neighbor filed her complaint when my spouse was sitting in the living room within 5 feet away from the dog. He went out to stop the dog and brought her back to the apartment. All these happened in less than 20 seconds.
Now we realize the landlord has been targeting us because we are not the protected races. Both my spouse and I are working professionals. We are quiet. We follow the rules. We pay the rent in time. Never have parties. No music. There were tenants in this apartment not paying rent for two years and damaged their floor because they let the water run for a whole night. There was a guy sexually harassing a neighbor. Another guy was stealing people’s packages. The manager told us the landlord’s attorney advised them not to mess up with those tenants because they were African Americans. I was honestly very angry. We followed every rule and paid the money but kept getting notices from the landlord threatening to evict us. They allowed non tenant to file complaints against us and harass us, and accommodate unreasonable requests that my dog can’t sit on my balcony because they didn’t want to mess up with complainers that are African Americans.
It’s extremely frustrating at this moment. Is there a way to solve this problem? We are thinking of bringing the landlord to court, if possible, along with those people who kept filing unreasonable complaints to harass us.

About a month ago me and some of my friends went out for a night on the town. Over the course of the night I had at least 9 drinks, and I ended up running into one of my previous hookups, which is the last thing I remember. That is until I came to having sex with her, unprotected, which is something I never do. On top of this, she wouldn’t let me leave for about twenty minutes after I freaked out and told her this wasn’t okay. I just don’t know how to feel about this. Of course I have blacked out before, but this night it was almost like I just jumped through time about 45 minutes- so I think I might have browned out. Regardless, the minute I came too I felt a deep pit in my stomach, wanted to throw up, and sobered up immediately.
To make things worse, this woman attends the same university that I go to, and I often see her around. I’ve thought about going through title 9, but I’m afraid that they won’t take my case seriously as I’m a man. To make matters worse, I told my boys about this, and they all shared similar experiences with different woman, and said that it unfortunately just happens. So now I’m more confused.