Arm hurts a week after iv

I just had my 3rd session for two small tattoos about a week and a half ago. Last Saturday (a week after the removal, 4 days ago from now) I started breaking out in hives all over randomly. They’re mostly on my arms and legs, but also on my feet & back of neck. They are not on or even near the two tattoos I’m getting removed. They come in clusters, itch like hell for about an hour, then reappear elsewhere. I’m nervous about this because I “can’t” take antihistamines so I’ve just had to ride it out and it’s been torture - I’m not sure if I can do it again. Has anyone else had delayed response like this with hives? Can I expect it to keep happening every session now?

I (28 f) was hurt my my aunt (50 f) when I was little,my parents would go out of the house and have her babysit me.Everytime she came over she would cut my arm every time I cried creating huge scars on my arm that I still have to this day.Fast forward to a month ago,she announced her engagement to my family and I was invited.I got dressed up nice because I thought she might have had a change of heart, but boy was I wrong.On the day of the wedding I arrived and as soon as she laid eyes on me she pulled me aside and whispered "don't think that because I invited you I like you,I only did because my fiance made me you fucking (r word),(n word)"I ran to the bathroom and cried my eyes out.When the bouquet toss happened I caught it and my aunt snatched it out of my hands,gave it to my cousin and said "you have no reason to have the bouquet because you aren't engaged but my son is"to which I replied "I actually am engaged" and she screamed and cried throwing herself on the floor shouting "how dare you a ruin my day by annoncing your engagement on it" after that day I've been getting calls from her kids saying i need to apologize for "ruining her wedding".About a week ago I truly announced my wedding and she started dming me demanding i make her the made of honor,when i had already chosen my sister who was on my side the whole time to take that role AITA?

Personally, I don't care for dmm, but it seems Jagex is deadset on having it moving forward, and it's no secret we need some more gold sinks. I suggest adding a transfer mechanic from the main game to dmm via the bond pouch or something similar after a week or so. Given that gold swapping is allowed, I don't think this would hurt and might even make Jagex some money and remove gold that is seriously inflated in the main game and is very much needed. As far as ratios go, Idk what a good number is, but I'd say something like 5:1.
What do y'all think?

Hey Gay Bros-
I know, I just get on here to whine. So if you’re sick of my shit, I get it, keep scrolling.
Last August, my husband left me and since then my life has been pretty difficult. In October, I tried to unalive myself by swallowing a bunch of 500 mg acetaminophen. It, obviously, didn’t work, but since then I can’t shake this feeling that my life is not improving and I feel incredibly sad all the time.
To make matters worse after this all happened, I found out that my ex was cheating on me with a supposed friend of mine, and since learning that news, my despair has only deepened and is a daily profound struggle. Even worse, my ex’s family has completely cut me out of their lives in response to learning about the affair in order to ensure they don’t have to deal with it or address it in any real way.
To complicate things I really don’t understand why I’m feeling this way. Everything else in my life is exactly where I want it to be. Both subjectively and objectively. I have a really really incredible life. People live entire lives not getting to where I have built myself to-
I am close with my family, I have wonderful friends who hang out with me and have been supporting me unconditionally during this time, I have a job that I love and that pays me well and where I am am well respected and appreciated, I own my own home with a very nice set up in a very nice neighborhood in a town that I love, I volunteer regularly with various organizations in town that fulfill me and make me feel like I am a active member in my community, I act locally at a theater and try to express myself artistically on stage whenever I can, just so many things seem so right and awesome. I’m even smiling listing them.
But that smile always slowly fades because I think about what is going on in my life romantically. Without my husband, I feel like none of those things really matter. Without someone to share all of my experiences with on a deep and rewarding level I just don’t see the point in any of them. To make matters worse I live in a smaller community and so dating is pretty awful. I have been on a number of dates now and they have all ended in two ways: the person isn’t into a relationship and just wants to fuck and be friends and or the person is a total loser with no goals and no interesting things to talk about. I loathe being single. I loathe coming home to an empty house and cooking for one and then just repeating that over and over and over and over. I loathe the looks of sympathy and concern on everyone’s face when they can tell that I should be enjoying myself and I’m clearly not. I am terrified I am going to die alone; the biggest fear I have always had- and it feels like it’s coming true.
So I guess I’m just looking for some advice. And yes, I am in weekly therapy with therapist that I really like and trust. I am on antidepressants and I take them consistently. I have a written safety plan - all of that is in place. The really hard part is that I actually really don’t want to kill myself. Mainly because after my attempt I was insanely guilty. I can’t stomach leaving behind my job, my family, my friends, and some of the other things that I do for this world. But I am stuck in this nightmare that is full of wonderful beautiful things that I simply just can’t enjoy. What’s even even worse sometimes I feel guilty that I’m not happier and enjoying life more. Especially when I’m reflect like this and see all of the good things I have. And even more so when I talk to my family and friends who desperately want me to move on and find happiness.
Does anybody else feel like this? What else can I do? It just seems like I can’t live the next 30 years of my life walking around like a zombie, surrounded by happiness and wonderful things, but not being able to fully embrace them anymore. And why do I feel so alone? And why am I so hung up on my ex? I should hate him, but I wake up every day, missing him more and more, and wishing that he would change his mind and come back. I worry about him daily because this person he is with I know will eventually hurt him, and I don’t trust him whatsoever. What’s the point in all this if I have to just suffer and die alone?
I’m fucked up! Ha ha ha. Comment away.

For some back story: my sister 32F was with her baby dad 32M for almost 10 years. He was extremely controlling and abusive to her in every way. It took her getting pregnant and having her baby (my niece) to finally have the strength to leave him because she needed to protect her baby. When she was home from the hospital, he couldn’t handle her crying as a newborn. He came into the bedroom screaming to shut the baby up. He pulled out a gun and pointed it at my newborn niece, and then to his own head. That was when my sister knew she had to get away from him.the next day she came to my family for help and we moved her out. She got a protective order against him and they had a really nasty case I. Court against each other. Cps came to interview her and I was there for support and it was the first time I had seen my sister cry in over a decade recounting to the cps what he did to her. In court, he lied so much about my sister and he got away with all of it because the law protects him as a parent too and there wasn’t enough evidence. That same cps worker high fived the dad after court that day. Years later, and multiple court hearing later as his tactic of draining our family of money, he continues to be the same person he always was. My niece is much older now, and able to vocalize his actions. She says that he grabs her arm out of no where and twists it, that he “grounds” her for “lying” about brushing her hair or showering when she says she is telling the truth- so he locks her in her room for hours. She says he tells her she is fat (she is actually very very skinny) and that her teeth are crooked and ugly- she has had many breakdowns before school because of this because he has messed up her self esteem so bad. She said he tickles her out of no where so hard that it hurts and it makes her cry. And now yesterday when she came back from her dads, she said he pushed her really hard when she was climbing into the car “because she was taking too long” and she hit the top of her head really hard. She still had a bump on her head and then woke up this morning with very blurry vision so we took her to urgent care immediately and got her checked out and a Cat scan that we are still waiting for the results for. Please any advice on what we can do. We are terrified of what he will do to punish her if we don’t succeed in getting the law to protect her after so many attempts already. If we file a police report, what will he do if he still gets regular custody? He is about to have her for 3 weeks for the start of summer. It would be too long to share how much more there is to this case, but he has gotten away with everything he has ever done. I’m so scared that he will kidnap her or punish her for telling us, or come up with another lie to take my sister to court as retaliation like he’s done before.

Brought our 2010 Nissan Murano into an AAMCO (a mistake, I know) for a new transmission. Got it back about two weeks ago and have had nothing but issues since, but they’re “technically” unrelated. When we brought it in everything except the transmission worked, they replaced the trans, put in a new wheel bearing on the front left wheel, and charged us an arm and a leg for it.
Since, we haven’t had AC despite the refrigerant pressure being very high (maxed out the pressure gauge), our wheels are out of alignment so the steering is crooked, there’s a weird rattling noise on acceleration from a cold engine, and to top it all off our power steering just went out.
They say it’s all unrelated to the replacement, but we have had 0 issues with this car and somehow after their replacement we have a ton of issues.
What are your thoughts?

Our 13 week old puppy has had her second round of vaccines 11 days ago. Our vet said that we can start walking her as long as she doesn’t come into contact with other dogs or their feces, but we are paranoid dog parents so we still carry her in our arms when we go for a walk or only take her on car rides. Since she is a westie and will need relatively frequent grooming (we’re also planning to get her hand stripped when she gets older) when she grows up, we really want to start getting her used to grooming as early as possible. We saw that Petsmart offers a puppy bath+trim service that doesn’t require full vaccines, but we are not sure how safe it is for our puppy (disease wise, we are not too worried about them hurting her or stuff like that as our local Petsmart branch has almost a 5-star rating for their grooming service). Does anyone have experience with the Petsmart service or should I take her to a private grooming salon/mobile groomewait until she has all her vaccines? Thanks everyone!

The feeling of distance between us growing makes me feel uncomfortable. He is getting farther and farther away from me now. At first I didn’t feel the urge to reach out to him, but now at around 30 days NC I’m feeling it. We are both the dumper and dumpee. I instigated it on 4/08.
We’ve had bad things occurring throughout our short 5 months together, his estranged brother killed himself around 4 months ago, my sister died the day before I melted down and told him I was “letting him go with compassion”. I regret what I’ve done, it wasn’t nasty but it was over the top and I’m ashamed and deeply remorseful over this. A week after I did that I asked if he’d talk to me and he said he was “good.” I left it for another week and tried again, just a video apologizing in earnest and he said “ no need for further apologies. Please stop contacting me.”
I never meant to lose him forever, I just made a decision I regret while I was in full fight or flight mode. I hadn’t really seen him for 3 weeks and my attachment style activated and I tried very hard to not let my feelings and worries grow during that time,to think it wasn’t personal I wanted to be whatever he needed me to be without becoming a problem. Then my sister died and it led to me exploding. It was wrong to do. I hate how big my feelings get and how easily they can control me at times.
Next month will be 2 years I’ve been sober from alcohol. I quit drinking because I would do things like this. I started meditation and yoga and exercise and became pretty proficient at it. I am blessed to be able to learn and acquire new skills quickly. I thought that quitting drinking would be enough for me to not lash out at people and bottle up but it wasn’t.just made it take longer and require more but the impulse is still there and strong. I started therapy a month before the end, I wanted to be in time for him because I was fighting fear of this very thing happening for the duration of our time together and then it finally happened. I self sabotaged.
We weren’t even really together, it’s what’s called a “situationship” I would learn after googling various relationship related topics online. We did all the things a couple did, but he said he wasn’t ready for real and I didn’t understand at the time, I have next to no dating experience despite being 35. I’d just never met anyone who made me feel the way he did in my entire adult life. A few flings but nothing meaningful. I didn’t ever know what I was doing and I had a lot of anxiety all the time. I lost weight.
He would serenade me and I’d listen eyes full of stars. I fucked up and I feel like I’ve done decent healing the last 2 months but I want so badly to message him and tell him it would be different this time, that I understood better. That I’d had the time and separation from him to gain distance and insight into my feelings and behaviors and that I wouldn’t be so uneasy all the time. He wouldn’t have to reassure me. I want to tell him I’m happy, aside from losing him, and that I think if he liked me when I was depressed and anxious, which I was most of the time we knew each other, that he’d really like me when I’m happy. I want to know if he is ok and if he is healing from his loss. I want him to know I still care about him a lot and that I’d do still do just about anything if it’d make him feel better. I hate that he is probably alone most of the time now, unless he found someone new, I don’t think he has but it’s possible.
I don’t want to upset him either. I’m embarrassed and full of shame because I once again let my emotions get the better of me. I failed again. I’m not too down on myself for the failure because I know the ways I’ve improved over the last few years of trying to be better. This is a costly lesson for me.
I hate how he must think of me now. I feel like I can be what he wanted me to be now. My feelings are still there, but they aren’t dictating to me what I’ll do. I have felt like this for about a week and a half and so far have been able to not reach out. My heart reaches though and I can feel the empty space between us.
Forgive me my rant and I know this is hardly full of context, I needed to vent. I worry it’ll look like I was playing games or something but that wasn’t my intent at all ever. I feel like all I did was hurt this man and every single time it was unintentional, but happened the same. I’d look on in horror as I would do things that hurt him. I’d be surprised at how he’d react emotionally sometimes. Each time though he would get farther and I’d only realize how he cared when I started losing it.
I don’t like confrontation I don’t like hurting people, I like helping and I can’t help but feel I just let him down so much because I can’t keep it together sometimes. I’d struggle to know how to talk to him about things and that’s on me.
If nothing had changed I wouldn’t reach out but I’ve been in therapy, both group and individual, reading and doing independent research into attachment theory and other topics as well as enrolling in college for the second time and it’s now been around two months since I started some new medications for anxiety and depression so those should be in my system now too.
I want to be a bit selfish and just tell him I hope he is ok, I miss him, that I’ve been learning a lot, and that I’d like him in my life because I made a stupid decision after feeling on edge for so long and it wasn’t what I really wanted at all, at least not like this. I know this is super long idk what it is really, I guess it’s just a long diary vent type thing. I want to respect his wishes but this is hard. To be so close and in constant contact then nothing. Without any way to look at social media I’ve been feeling that he was a figment of y imagination. Good luck to you all, may we all get what we deserve.

I (25F) from London met a guy from Porto, Portugal through Instagram in 2022. We both traveled to Malta at different times, and he found me through a tagged picture. He liked a bunch of my photos and eventually DM'd me with compliments after I followed him back.
Initially, I didn't think it would amount to anything serious, but after months of consistent interaction on Instagram, I started getting to know him. We talked about the potential of dating, considering that London isn't far from Porto by flight compared to other parts of the UK, like my hometown in Scotland.
We spoke every day, and he flew to London to visit me in February. I even started learning Portuguese. Our dates went great, and we felt chemistry in person. Although English isn't his first language, he communicated well but sometimes struggled to express himself fully in conversations, which was easier for him over text.
We began dating exclusively, and he mentioned wanting to make me his girlfriend at the right time. However, he lost his job towards the end of 2022, which was tough. Despite his situation, he still wanted to meet in London, and we planned for me to visit him in Porto in May 2023. Unfortunately, things went wrong. He was still unemployed and often late picking me up, leaving me to spend two days alone. One of those days, he took his roommate’s grandma to the hospital. I paid for some of our meals, but I sensed he felt pressured.
Sadly, on the second day, I found out my close aunt had died unexpectedly, which I told him about, and I was understandably down. Despite that, I tried to make an effort. However, as the days went by, he started picking me up late, and we spent less time together. Porto was beautiful, but I traveled there to spend time with him.
I'm not confrontational and hate awkward situations. After speaking to friends and family, I messaged him before our last day together, expressing that I felt we hadn't spent enough time together. He responded that just because I was on holiday, it didn’t mean everyone else was. This hurt me, and I dropped it. Our last date felt awkward, and I avoided a goodbye kiss. I felt horrible that night, unsure if I should talk more about it.
Back in the UK, I was annoyed and waited for him to contact me. I sent voice notes expressing my unhappiness and the need for better communication if we were to continue our relationship. He didn't respond, and after a week, I sent another message about him ignoring me. He then unfriended me on Facebook. I was heartbroken and blocked him to move on. I eventually unblocked him earlier this year but never really got over him.
Recently, he liked a lot of my pictures but didn't say anything. I’ve been thinking about our situation and realize that communication was hard, compounded by the language barrier and long-distance dating. For a long time, I questioned whether his intentions were even genuine. It’s affected my confidence in getting back into the dating pool.
I'm not sure if I want to get back together, but I do want to speak to him. I’ve followed him on Instagram, and he followed back, liking more pictures.
Should I wait for him to break the ice, or should I reach out?
Any advice would be appreciated

I made a post a few weeks ago about Eddie. Three years ago, I befriended “Eddie” on vacation. I liked him, and he liked me. He confided in the wrong people about his crush on me, and I found out. However, Eddie actually had a girlfriend, and cut contact with me. He was friends with mostly everyone else on social media except me. I never really got any closure or resolution around this situation. Eddie and I never spoke after the trip. So for years, I’ve always wondered about how he really felt about me.
Eddie and his girlfriend broke up two months later, but he never tried contacting me. I kind of suspected that he looked at my TikTok videos, but I also know that for months after, he wasn’t over his ex. This situation happened during the height of the pandemic, so while I knew it would be best to move on, I couldn’t. If this situation happened at any other time, I likely would’ve forgotten Eddie within a couple of weeks or months. But classes were online. I couldn’t meet anyone. For a good year, I had feelings for Eddie, but again, nothing ever came of it.
This past summer, I was heartbroken over another failed crush. I was just going through a lot in general, and I spent most of my days high on drugs. I posted TikTok videos about heartbreak and depression. Sometimes I’d post five TikToks in a night. Sometimes, I’d reupload these videos. I don’t know why. I guess I was bored. And while I still wondered about Eddie, I didn’t think he ever looked my social media.
Little did I know, Eddie saw me posting these videos online, and contacted our friends. He asked them to see if I was posting anything else on my Instagram, which is private. Nothing’s happened since then, but I’m wondering why Eddie cares. I don’t think Eddie is this evil sociopath or anything, but it’s not like he showed me any care or consideration back then when he actually hurt me. So why? Is this some misguided way of absolving himself of guilt?

Haven't attended classes since the beginning of April. My final project is due... I actually don't know when it's due. Although I will try to pass all the exams in June. I hope I won't be kicked out. I hate it. I wish I didn't go there. I wish I took a gap year after graduating high school, as I initially wanted to. Constantly anxious, worrying about everything, and being in a fight or flight state over minor things. Quarantine gave me a much-needed break, but it didn't last long. My final high school year was really stressful, and this anxiety lasted until last summer. I did really well at uni last year. I was really proud of myself and managed to take a mental break from it for two months, which flew by so fast. I don't know what triggered me to spiral this time, but I have never been this bad for this long. I think it was a combination of a really stressful semester, which I've never fully "recovered" from (the winter break lasts two weeks, and I spent it being sick and asleep for 16+ hours a day because of medication), and stress from driving school. My driving instructor is a little bit older than me, but he treated me poorly. Of course, I am dumb. I know shit about cars and driving - that's why I came here. I was shaking before every lesson. I couldn't go to another one because transferring is expensive. He did some shady stuff with our driving practice hours. He would assign me three hours, call another student, and we two would drive for only an hour each. I obviously didn't pass, which I'm not really mad about. I don't think it's entirely my fault. I rarely shower, brush or floss my teeth, or go out. I finally mopped the floor (I haven't done it since late March) like four days ago??? I don't have the will to do anything. I became distant from my mom. I can't tell her anything. She feels something is wrong with me. I just can't talk about my feelings. Like physically, it's hard for me to talk about it, I shut down and swallow my words. There's no one who can take care of me or help me. My mom lives 400 kms away from me. My bf is supportive, but he clearly doesn't understand. He blames me, basically calling me ungrateful for everything I have, lazy, and not willing to change. It hurts really bad that he sees me this way, but there's definitely some truth in his words. I wish I was strong. I wish I was different. But I'm weak. I'm a garbage human. I am worthless. I don't have any hope for the future. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I'd definitely kill myself if it wasn't for my close ones. I can't imagine the pain it'd cause them. I don’t have any profitable skill (yet?). I don’t have passion for anything (except for art). I don’t see myself having an actual job, being a professional or whatever. I’m actually terrified rn thinking about it. I’m ashamed and guilty for letting my family down.

TDLR: Ex texted a bestfriend behind my back ending of last year ruining the friendship. Broke up with her, during that time I rekindled with someone else while occasionally texting my ex still not back together. Felt like I missed the warmth of my ex and dropped the new girl going back to my ex fully beginning of this year. Missed the support and love from my ex that I never truly got. Girl told me ex about our dirty laundry, causing trust issues in the whole relationship. Tried fixing them by removing girls, sharing location, etc. I felt scared my ex is gonna get revenge and started being distant at the end which pushed her away as well. We broke up beginning of May. I thought we would get back together as always, found out she’s been adding guys she removed a long time ago. I got upset and texted her ugly nasty shit, and texted her dad saying his daughter is nasty etc. I thought by doing this I’d move on quicker, he told me to leave them alone. I understand I fucked up and want to apologize to the parents for the lack of character I had but feel like it’s too late to backtrack on the stupid shit I said. Am I being selfish by sending a text?
Hello all, This is gonna be long. I really appreciate anyone who takes time to read and help with some words. I have no therapist or friends this seems like the best option.
I have never posted on here but seriously feel torn up. I know that I have been in the wrong in all this but I truly was dealing with a weed addiction till I finally sobered up and realized how fucked I am. This relationship has been a rollercoaster, but something I didn’t want to get off. She showed me many first things and it was my longest relationship of three years. She cared for me when I had no job, to every job, skinny fat, etc and I did the same with her struggles. To make a long story short back in August of 2023 I found my ex texting one of my bestfriends that worked with her at the time(I had quit that spot and found another job). No lust or crazy texts just work laughing but I confronted her about it it was jealousy and she said it was nothing.
After a few weeks come September I kept feeling this jealousy boil over. If she had texted anybody else I wouldn’t have said much but I felt like cause it was MY friend she should have brought up the convo they had even if it was light and funny. I was pestering her about him, she then decided to text him behind my back saying I’m being jealous. They text back and forth and he’s calling me a kid and disrespecting me even though he’s known me for longer, and she was laughing sending him laughing emojis and stuff. He then texted me asking me to fight because somehow she told him I threatened him. I got pissed she ruined a friendship and told her I’m done blocked her on everything. From September to December 2023 I was all alone focused on work and meeting new people. In December I rekindled with a girl I knew no feelings just stupid lust. While talking to the new girl, my ex sends me a heartfelt email since I had blocked her on everything, saying she’s sorry and understands I don’t want to hear from her but wishes me the best. I softened up and began texting her here and there, but still was talking to the new girl.
After a while in Jan/Feb 2024 I met with the girl I had rekindled with and we had done some things. However during this time I started seriously missing my ex and the way I felt comfortable around her. So I was talking to my ex again fully and wanted to make it work again. The problem came when my ex wanted to visit me since she’s long distance. She flew all the way to me and everything was good, till that new girl decided she wasn’t getting my attention anymore and texted my ex lying to her telling her I was begging for her etc. My ex broke down and asked why and I childishly said because of what she had done by texting my bestfriend and that we weren’t together. She cried in my arms and I balled with her cause I truly didn’t want to hurt this girl like this. I offered her to leave me and understood I fucked up. But to my surprise she wanted to stay and asked to fix our trust. I tried my hardest to fix it, I gave her my social passwords, she had my location, everything she wanted she got, even removed all girl friends to gain trust and she removed guys. However after some time around March 2024 I felt like all that I did wasn’t building up that trust again, and I began having flashbacks to trauma where I got left and cheated on within a week. I felt like my ex got back with me to seek revenge. So I started pushing her away scared.
During April she came again to visit me and booked a flight without asking me to pay or anything and genuinely asked to spend every minute of the day with me. I should have taken her coming to see me without me asking as her sign of true love but I ignored it.
Beginning of May 2024 came and our problems began. I started seeing her go out with friends to bars, even to houses I didn’t know and she would take a little longer to respond. I began thinking something is up due to my trauma and started being distant with her. She kept asking me to stop doing this, and cried a few times but I was truly scared of behind hurt and thought by being distant I’m protecting myself. She told me this once and it’s stuck with me “you’re gonna regret doing this”. After that convo she became cold with me too to the point where I didn’t even know who she was anymore. Our final convo was May10. We argued on the phone, and she blamed me for everything, I brought my ex bestfriend and her and how they hurt me she said she had already apologized and I said I did too for cheating but I knew what I did hurt more. She told me to leave her tf alone that I haven’t been the man she needs saying she’s seen better guys treat gfs better etc. That she wants time alone that she wouldn’t go around like I did with girls fucking randoms guys. I blocked her but I genuinely thought we would breakup and get back together as always.
However a week passed and I heard nothing. For some reason I felt like I deserved an apology cause during our arguments I was being more respectful and it felt like she kept saying stuff on purpose to hurt me. I saw she had logged onto my socials and I locked her out and logged out of her accounts cause I felt like it was better. However I was still stalking her Instagram following number and began seeing it go up fast. I started getting guys being suggested to me that follow her and I noticed it was all guys she used to work with and removed for “trust”. I felt broken cause it felt like she did what my first ex with the trauma did , just move on within a week. I felt sad, but the sadness turned to anger. I thought by burning bridges I could move on quicker. And I began blowing her up with calls to no answer, so I switched to texting and said some of the most heinous shit I’ve said to anyone. I then texted her mom telling her her daughter got a new type being childish but nothing too disrespectful to the mom. I texted the dad however and called his daughter names, which he got back at me with a threat and called me childish and that he’s happy his daughter isn’t with someone like me and to lose their numbers. I said lmao cool being even more childish.
I genuinely felt bad the same day I texted the parents this. I felt like bringing them into childish arguments and saying what I said made me look like a true child which I try not to be fast in situations but I was impatient and dumb. I felt like I was the one being stubborn in the relationship and pushed her away, then got upset when she did walk away I just didn’t appreciate her at the end and it hurts my soul I’ve felt this heaviness on my chest ever since like I lost the person for me. I know blaming it on the weed is childish but I feel like it game me that I don’t give a F feeling till it bit me in the ass. I spoke to my only friend and my parents who didn’t even accept the relationship at first due to culture, but they told me I had fucked up and told me with time they will heal, and that in time I can send a message to the parents if I wanted to to get my conscious clear and be able to move on with a better image.
Is it smart to reach back out to the parents to show respect as an adult or just let them be? I know this was a lot but it’s on my heart and brain everyday since. A part of me says apologize in the hopes of getting this girl back one day which I know is selfish, the bigger part of me just hates the image I left of myself cause I have never left a relationship in this manner

Some backstory: They moved a guy to my hall who is super had to do alone which is fine but when I work alone with one girl she refuses to help me with anything. She always says "if i can do it alone theres no reason you cant" even tho shes got probably a foot on me and shes a little bigger but shes super strong. We are a small facility and I'm the only one who will work work with her so our shifts usually just have us 2 and the other shifts have 3. So far my hall was basically all hoyers and 1 assists so it was okay until i got this guy. She's one of the favorites so she gets away with a lot, never washing people up, doing get up and then not laying anyone down or changing then until after lunch, spending prob 9 hours of her 12 hour shift outside smoking or in the breakroom, not helping with meals ect. Shes banned from the hall i work bc of neglect to a resident and she didnt even get talked to they just moved her to another hall, they even offered to move that resident so she could keep her hall. Other people have been banned from rooms over this or that and they have always suspended them for a shift written them up and they we not allowed to go to that hall unless it was for assists. She's buddy buddy with the bosses and the nurses and they don't care to hide their favorites. I took 1 Saturday off for a coworkers wedding, I put my time in first for 1 day and the coworker and nurse took the whole weekend bc of the open bar at least a week after me and both of theirs were approved and mine was not.
The guy was in bed so i thought id try bc he's easier when hes in bed and I tried and I hurt my back. I could still walk and I still had to finish out the shift but I was fighting tears the whole time, I went and got her and she was pissed and rolling her eyes but I'm think it's bc I was crying that she actually came to help me. That was before supper, he was the last one I needed to get in and then I had to watch the dining room and do my 3 feeders. Usually I walk around and feed 1 a bite and while they chew feed the next one and so on so but I had to sit and do 1 at a time so I was late getting people out before night shift came. That girl was walking up to talk to the nurse and saw that I had almost everyone still in the dining room and was pissed at me again. She help me get people out and she did all the transfers but everyone could tell she was mad. Once I clocked out and went to my car I started bawling bc of the pain I called my mom amd she said I needed to call my boss so I did and I went to urgent care. My boss didn't even ask if I was okay, just told me I needed to get drug tested and I'll be written up next time I come in bc I should've gotten help. Once he moved to my hall I told her she won't help and she said she'd have a chat with her. I doubt happened but now I'm scared of the retaliation. I'm on a 10 pound weight restriction until Friday when he wants to see me again and I'm supposed to work this weekend with her. They refused to turn my work hours the first 2 years i was there so my license expired and I was told if it bothered me I could pay to get recertification, it took an email from my college basically saying they would call state on it for them to actually turn my hours in (i'm going for nursing and they need to have my cna on file). I know they don't care about me but I've seem how much she gets special treatment and I'm just an extra body to them. They wrote a girl up for asking for help too much bc she would ask that coworker for help with transfers and hoyers and that girl is really short and she told me its a little hard for her transferring everyone so much taller than her so if she's getting in trouble for asking for help with hoyers like we are supposed to whats gonna happen to me? I want to be careful when I go back to work but how can I do that when I'm with her? Could they try to get my license taken away because she is refusing to help? What am I supposed to do when it's just us the nurse wont even turn a call light off let alone do any cares. I'm stuck and I rly don't want to lose my license. This is my first time ever being written up for anythjng before and I'm scared

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

I (19F) and my close friend (18F) been friends since high school. Our friendship might not be as long as my others but I love her so much and she was always that one friend that showed me kindness and love, overall she was just a very kind person and friend.
Not too long ago I started talking to this guy that was introduced by my guy friend. My friend was holding a birthday party and he invited all his close friends that’s when I met him since they’re best friends. We found out that we liked each other and started talking. He took me out on dates and we started getting physical towards each other but not sex. It was my first time ever doing anything with someone and he was also my first kiss. But there were so many red flags. After we hung out he would never text me or any of the sort saying “I had fun with you” or all that. We would just vc with everyone else in the friend group in discord. He was a really nice guy but thinking back now I could tell he was definitely not ready to be in a committed relationship. Even before talking to him he mentioned that he just got out of a really bad relationship where his ex cheated on him. I know I should’ve known better than not to talk to a guy who wasn’t fully healed yet because even when we were talking he would bring his ex up often. But his best friend keep telling me that he’s not using me as a rebound and he genuinely liked me and I believed him. I gave them both the benefit of the doubt but turned out that I was wrong. He was wrong. Whenever I was tripping over something they would make me feel like I was the crazy one when all I wanted was the bare minimum. In the end he ended things because he “wasn’t ready” to be in a relationship and he was sorry that if he gave me the impression of leading me on. He DID led me on, but the thing is that all before this I asked him if he still wanted to work on us or not he told me yes he still want to work on us even if he have issues. He gave me a clear answer that from now on he’ll do better but the very next day he ghosted me. I thought I was overthinking but I knew I wasn’t because if a guy really wanted you they would have the decency to simply text you but he didn’t. I was already committed to this guy. We talked for 2 whole months already, went on dates, had sleepovers, slept on the same bed and I let him touched me, and I don’t let just anyone do that because I cherish my body.
I then texted his best friend to tell him to text me and tell me what’s going on because it isn’t fair for me. I even texted him myself before that but he just left me on delivered. After awhile and texting his best friend he finally texted me back saying he’s sorry for ghosting me and that he needs time to think. I understood and patiently waited. Whole week went by and I heard nothing from him. This is when my close friend of mine, let’s call her kam.
Kam was the one I vented to the most whenever I was sad because of him, when I started overthinking, when I cried, she been there for me and saw how shitty he treated me. Kam told me that he plan to write a paragraph to me ending things, she knew she wasn’t supposed to tell me but she wanted me to move on from him quick cause she knew what he did to me wasn’t fair. I thanked her so much for it because it gave me time to prepare and it made me not feel like I was being left in the dark not knowing what was going on. I loved her so much. So then after a whole two weeks he finally sent the paragraph coming up with all these excuses why things won’t work out between us. I was understanding, more than I should’ve been. We ended on a decent note. But something happened with him and that was when I started to despise him and left the friend group and mind u this right after all of this I also ended things with my very best friend of 11 years, that is a whole another story but I had very good reasons to. And when I was dealing with all of that Kam was the one that was there for me, she was the only one in the friend group that understood why I ended my friendship with my bsf and why I despised the guy I use to talk to. She’s aware of everything I went through because of him. But recently she came out to tell me that she’s talking to him.
I never felt like that in my life. I loved her so much I thought to myself how could she do this to me? She said she wanted to tell me because she didnt wanna do it behind my back. But does it really make it any better? She knew what kind of person he is and how he hurt me but how could she just go to talking with him. When I brought up girl code her excuses were that we weren’t even dating and that she’s not serious about him, but that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t changed the fact that he was the person who’s hurt me and she been there for me through all that. It’s the principle of things. And how is he suddenly crushing on her, one of my CLOSEST friend right after telling me he’s not ready for a relationship and that he needs to focus on himself. She then blamed me for getting hurt. I never would’ve done this to her. I knew that she were still healing from her ex too and I would’ve never blame her for getting hurt no matter what, alone TALKING to her ex. She told me that if I started talking to her ex she wouldn’t mind as long as I give her a heads up. Like what??…do you have no self respect? No matter how much I love her I have my morals and principles and she crossed the line for me.
She asked me if I’m really gonna end our friendship just because of this one thing after all we been through. I kept trying to tell her it’s more than that. It’s deeper than how simply she made it sound. I asked her if she’s gonna keep talking to him even if it means risking our friendship, she said yes. Because she likes him and “it’s not that serious” that answer alone tells me she values talking to him more than our friendship. I don’t need a friend like that.
So tell me, was I wrong for ending our friendship because of this?

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

I've been thinking about forgiveness for a long, long time.
I've come to realize, it's a more personal choice for your own wellbeing than anything. It doesn't mean you condone someone's actions. Just that you stop feeling angry and resentful for them.
I do not believe it was right for you to speak to me on a dating app for six months, and in the end, reject me for three reasons you could have found out either by asking, or by looking at my responses to the OkCupid questions. Because I'm difficult to talk to. Because I'm not close with my family. Because I haven't dated before. All of these were in my profile. Dragging things out only leads to heartbreak.
I don't believe you should have waited so long to meet in person. I asked you on a date a month after talking. At first, you lied to me by saying you were busy, and when I asked about your schedule, you told the truth that you weren't ready. I was more patient with you than any self respecting man should be.
I believe you should have started more conversations. I've spoken to several autistic girls. They might eventually ghost me, but they put in the effort to keep a conversation going. It was unfair of you to put that weight entirely on me, and then judge me for being hard to talk to. Letting me message you, responding a couple times, then going silent for a week, isn't something that anyone else has thought it was okay to do. I can't build to bigger, more interesting conversations if you don't respond.
I believe you should have been on time for VC where we talked about OkCupid questions. You told your friends that we didn't have a scheduled time, but that was a lie. You knew about the time we set, because you messaged me at exactly 7, saying that you're going to be late because you're playing Zelda. Again, something that no self respecting man should have had to deal with.
I believe that you should have told me about the lewds early on. You told your friends that I implied that you have to do it "immediately", but that's another lie. I said well before six months. This is important information in dating, as important as any of the other basic information on a dating profile. My reaction to it was fine. I said that it hurt me to see, but I did not ask you to stop. I set my boundary that I just didn't want you to do anything too explicit. That should have been the end of the conversation.
I did not do anything wrong by asking for another chance. And your response of insulting me before blocking me without so much as a conversation was entirely inappropriate. I am more than capable of staying friends with someone I have feelings for. And I have more experience than you in handling it from the other end in a healthy way. Instead, you felt the need to scar me.
I've done my apologizing for my actions after that. I've suffered enough from the guilt and shame. And I'm finally ready to forgive myself. Even if I don't condone your actions... I think I'm ready to forgive you too. I sincerely hope that you can reflect on the things I've mentioned here and build a healthy relationship with someone moving forward. But this post is for me. I hope that with it, I can let go of my resentment and finally start to heal. As always, I wish you the best.

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

TLDR; I have experienced anxiety off and on but its been ramping up over the last few years specifically around traveling and it is really hard to eat food when I’m anxious. I’m feeling debilitated and worried that I will never get better and I’m scared meds wont work. I want to be able to travel and see my friends in other states without being completely consumed by anxiety.
——
I have struggled with anxiety off and on my whole life and as I’m reflecting now, it had a lot to do with not being home/change. I would get homesick at summer camp, I would get anxious before a sleepover, I had anxiety my entire 8th grade year because I was going from a tiny private school to a huge public high school.
When I moved away from home I was fine and I don’t think I had anxiety for several years. I was an adult, figuring out life on my own and doing fine. I would travel to visit my friends in other states and I was fine. I got married, had a bachelorette trip, a honeymoon etc. all good.
During covid I went to test for ADHD and realized I was depressed so I went on wellbutrin which changed everything for me.
In 2021 I went on a trip with a bunch of girls that really fucked me up. Nothing happened but I was so anxious I couldn’t sleep or eat and it affected my friendship. After that I went to see my psychiatrist because I could not go on a trip again and be stuck because I didn’t have any medication to stop it. Most times after that trip that I went on a trip, I got unexplainable anxiety. Came out of nowhere, couldn’t tie it to a thought, hurt my stomach etc. But I had hydroxyzine which helped me fall asleep without anxiety. I decided to reduce my wellbutrin in half because of a variety of reasons, one of them being my heightened anxiety. And it did seem to be a good decision to do that. I went on a trip in 2023 to a state I’ve never been to and my anxiety was pretty bad but my husband was with me so it was mostly manageable but I kept losing my appetite and not wanting to eat. We went to a 6 course dinner and I had to get up in between every plate to run to the bathroom cuz I had anxiety runs.
I came home from that and went to see my psychiatrist and explained my anxiety was mostly a bodily response and I wasn’t noticing anything in my brain. She said meds are really good for the worries but it didn’t sound like I had that so try making sure I had substance in my stomach since maybe I had so much stomach acid it was making me feel sick.
I didn’t have a trip for 7 months to test this theory until this last weekend. The whole week leading up to the trip I would have moments of anxiety but I usually took a deep breath and it went away. The travel day was pretty bad but I kept food in my stomach but I kept noticing myself checking in with myself seeing if I felt okay or not. Constantly. Then it became of fear of getting anxiety and ruining my friends’ time with me. And the anxiety of getting anxiety and feeling unwell not in my comforting space. Every single day was so hard. I could barely bring myself to eat food. I became anxious about mealtimes coming up and if I would be able to nourish myself. I had moments of relief, and one almost full day of no anxiety but I ended up coming home two days early because I couldn’t hang.
But even as I’ve been home, my anxiety hasn’t gone away. I was anxious walking through the mall with my husband. I didn’t want to eat dinner. I think about my next trip coming up and I feel a pit in my stomach wondering if I’ll be able to enjoy myself. Waking up yesterday I felt my heart rate immediately spike and the anxiety start to come on. I talked to my psychiatrist and she asked why I didn’t take the xanax I had with me. I am scared it wont work or will make me feel flat or make be all delirious in my head. I dont want to become reliant on it. She explained it is a tool and would I refuse pain meds if I’m about to have surgery? No. I decided to go off my wellbutrin because I’m curious if that is making me more anxious since my depression is so much better. She said I should give it a week and see how I feel after the wellbutrin is out of my system and giving space to my bad experience on my trip and if I still feel worried about my upcoming trip we can start Zoloft. This morning I’m still anxious, and I’m starving but I can’t think of any food that seems palatable and I don’t want to get out of bed and I feel extremely hopeless that I’ll never get better and wont be able to experience new things again. I’m scared Zoloft wont work or it will eventually hurt me or my anxiety will get worse and I just feel completely debilitated.

half vent post, half wondering what y'all think. I'm looking for opinions.
I've posted on here a few times and my situation is quite complex. I had my hysterectomy on March 29th and then a cuff repair for partial dehiscence on April 15th. I'm 5 weeks post op from that and I'm now on my FIFTH rounds of antibiotics because I have a pretty significant infection going on. I had 4 organisms at one point and I'm now down to 2 that seem hard to treat... I can't remember the other 2 I had but they have been treated, however I still have e.feacalis and e.coli up there.
I was originally on amoxicillin right out of surgery, then clindamycin, then ciprofloxacin, then penicillin VK for a week, had a 1 week break, and now I'm on penicillin VK again for 2 weeks this time. I was worried because I've read online that e.coli is resistant to penicillin, but on my test results it says it's susceptible...? My doctor said I can take cefdinir if the discharge I'm experiencing doesn't clear up by the end of it, and that should clear it, but she said the penicillin should treat both this time, even though that 1 week of penicillin was originally supposed to clear the e.faecalis the first time! 😭
I don't know what to think. I'm at the end of my rope here. I'm nervous and burnt out from all the complications I've had and I have to go back to work tomorrow because I can't make it by on my state mandated disability anymore, it barely pays me anything. I asked my doctor if I can use boric acid again (used it a lot pre surgery) because my pH is messed up from not only being a trans guy taking testosterone, but also probably from all the antibiotics and surgery. She said boric acid won't hurt anything since my cuff looks good, but I'm only 5 weeks post cuff repair and I still have stitches in! She said they're supposed to dissolve this week, but I'm scared and don't know what to do. I've tried getting in to see another doctor at that practice who I like and have gone to before, but I won't be able to to see her until June 12th. They won't get me in sooner unless I'm experiencing worsening symptoms or different types of symptoms.
If you're someone who was given the clear to take any sort of vaginal suppositories after surgery (probiotioc, boric acid, ect) how soon did you start? Or if you're someone whose dealt with a lot of infections and antibiotics, how did you cope with it?? I feel like I'm losing hope.

TLDR: Baby (13 weeks) won’t nap out of arms. We’ve been practicing for 8 weeks. Practicing is making me miserable. Planning to sleep train in July. Should I cut my losses and just contact nap at this point, or is there something I’m missing?
Baby is almost 13 weeks old. Since the end of March, I’ve been working on the elusive contact-free nap. Based on my Snoo record, I’ve tried in the Snoo least once a day (sometimes twice) 29 times in the last 54 days. We’ve had four successes in total, all under an hour. Twice I put him down awake and he fell asleep on his own, and twice I got him to sleep then set him down and he stayed asleep for another 20-30 minutes or so. A few times I’ve tried putting him asleep on my bed, the baby swing, the doc a tot knock off, or some other more comfortable less safe location … but no bites. We’ve also tried naps in the car and in the stroller (both bassinet and car seat attachments), and he’s only had one nap in one of those arrangements—it was in the bassinet part of the stroller, but I had to keep the stroller rolling.
During the day, he primarily naps in the baby carrier. If you get him in before his internal timer is up, he doesn’t even fight it. (If you get him strapped in a little late in the wake window, he’ll let out his swan song for 15 minutes before passing out.) At night he sleeps great in his Snoo, typically nursing to sleep before bed and during his 1-2 MOTN wakes, but he doesn’t always nurse to sleep! Sometimes I’ll put him down awake and asleep he goes. Even when he nurses to sleep, he’ll sometimes wake up during the transfer. The point of this paragraph is to spell out “sleep crutches” that he does have and the extent to which he depends on them, and to suggest that he doesn’t have reflux since he sleeps flat on his back all night long.
When we try for Snoo naps, he typically cries so intensely that the Snoo almost immediately (3 minutes in) turns off. I’ve tried just sitting there in the room, resetting it several times in a row—you have to do it manually because you’re not supposed to let your baby cry that loud for that long I guess. I’ve tried SITBACK. I’ve tried getting him sleepy before setting him down, but almost nothing pisses him off more than me trying to “Taking Cara Babies” CRIES him into a drowsy state. Once we’ve given it 10-15 minutes of wailing in the bassinet (I’m talking 100% volume, sets-off-your-smart-watch decibel levels), the road forks: I hold him to sleep then keep trying to put him down; I hold him to sleep and just sit or stand in his room for the rest of the nap; I strap him into the carrier for the rest of the nap. But whatever we do at that point, it involves a lot of intense crying and a far less restful nap than he’d have if I just put him in the carrier to begin with, and 2/3 of those options tie me down for another hour or more while I try to keep him asleep.
His room is dark with blackout curtains and is 71-72 degrees (bought a thermostat for his room in particular in case temperature was the issue.) We use a sound machine, and we have a pre-nap routine that mimics the bedtime routine. And of course I’m watching the wake windows; he seems to be a little higher sleep needs than average. He still doesn’t love being awake for more than 75 minutes at a time, especially for that first wake window which typically precedes our practice nap, so usually I start the nap time routine at the one hour mark.
I am struggling to provide more consistent practice than this because I also have a 2 year old son, and when I’m taking care of him, my ability to sink time and attention into the baby’s nap is very limited. When my toddler has other care, I need to be getting work done, so it’s a big loss to spend so much time on the nap. Best case scenario, trying for the bassinet nap takes 40 minutes more of my time than just putting him in the carrier and carrying on with life, but often it’s much more because I get stuck in his room trying to salvage some sleep for him. And of course, various life things come up, too: grandma visits and offers to hold him, we take a trip, we try to hit up library story time, baby gets his shots, etc. While I understand that this is not a great deal of consistency, it’s hard for me to imagine that there are parents of multiple children out there who have much more consistency to offer. Who that is also taking care of other kids has an hour and a half out of every 3 to render themselves otherwise unavailable, multiple times a day, every day of the week? Maybe I’m dead wrong on this point, but I have to imagine I’m offering as much consistency as other parents of multiple kids have offered their younger babies, babies who somehow began to get some traction after months of effort.
I’m feeling frustrated and hopeless. I am going on 8 weeks of making what feels like a lot of sacrifice to encourage independent napping, and I am not really seeing any progress. In fact, I’m starting to feel like it’s not worth it any more. I’ve already accepted that I’ll need to sleep train; we’re ripping off that bandaid on 7/22 and have multiple out-of-town trips planned before then. And the practice naps come at a big cost to me in terms of both time and peace of mind. Right now, I don’t have full time childcare for my baby, so I am already working in the margins. I keep telling myself that it will save me time once it clicks for him, but like we are months into this and have seen literally no return on the investment. With all the stress it has caused me, we are actually pretty deep in the red.
So: should I cut my losses and just lean in to the carrier nap until the end of July? Or is there something I can do to get bassinet napping online? Why does practicing help other babies but not mine//why have we seen no progress at all when practice is touted as the ticket?!