Paper bag rabbit puppet

[Let me know if a chapter a week is okay; I'm thinking it might be a bit too often. Run Zero: https://redd.it/1csb71x Run One: https://redd.it/1cwxbsg]
The mining foreman refused to go to sleep, and watched intently as Tightniks finally reached over and set it home with one hand. Its last nervous little sigh was the only thing he remembered-
The ship is without power, and Tightniks can't run the radar much without draining the batteries...
32s: First trap.
He built it big this time, and there are six trimps in there. They look familiar somehow, the light one with dark hair and an unusually short and broad tail compared to the rest, a big-eared green one, a grey one, a yellow one, and a red one with big paws and "XIII" on its rump, and a brown one with pink ears that takes the lead and cheers, "Kakka!" Once he lets them out, they all follow him intently around like just-hatched birds do their mother. He shows them the busted off cockpit and forward cabin of the ship he just crashed and they get inside and start da- ...nope, sticking with "dancing". He busies himself looking for the survival pad.
Until he hears the squeak of a baby trimp. They're feeding it- ...rocks. Carefully selected, aluminate rocks. What the heck are they doing? Whatever, I've got to get some conventional food for- What's that? He's got the survival pad already, but this was outside the ship, it must have materialized when he descended through that glowing grey mist getting out. He gets it flipped over and turned on.
"Manual portal activation 2 successful:" it displays, "rare shield equipped 54%Stg 14%Atk MT 0 Nu loaded / 399 He loaded / Metal challenge active / Total portal activation 956"
Metal challenge? The human selects it.
"You have the Metal challenge active. Tweak the portal to bring you to an alternate reality, where the concept of Miners does not exist, to force yourself to become frugal with equipment crafting strategies. If you complete The Dimension Of Anger without disabling the challenge, miners will re-unlock."
He's so confused, What the Loy is a Dimension of Anger? I think I have a headache from this high gravity. Sits down for a moment.
Notices that one of the trimps is sleeping in a small deep hole just at the edge of the garden, apparently to have a nap in standing upright.
I don't believe you, "portal". I'm training that one first chance I get!
56s: Pop full.
There are ten of them already?? I'm still working this derpy little potato patch to get enough food to bulk up just ONE of the- He looks at the portal pad and blurts out loud, "Fifty-six SECONDS??" He postulates that he's in a time-dilated environment, and that the portal is measuring time somewhere "out there", this "map frame" environment. It's like those Star Trek episodes he can't remember "Wink of an Eye" and "Blink of an Eye" that he can't quite remember. [One of them is Star Trek TOS, and one of them is Star Trek: Voyager and I forget which one came from where.]
1m57s: Arable in Z1c13.
The human walks along and one of the trimps viciously fights the various hostiles that try to come at him, staying ahead. Just behind, he finds that hole-digger busted into a cave big enough for 9 of them, and they start raising babies to fill it up.
3m37s: Miners in Z1c30.
It's broken! he notices of the data card he just picked up. It's one of the ones that flew out of the ship when he undogged the ship's side hatch, but it didn't survive. What was on it? He's got a vague memory of a big tanuki-tailed trimp, much bigger than the- Wait! This memory is of hole-digger all grown up. So this is- he looks at the smashed data card in his hand, ...this is the Miners card. At least there's some lying about so we're not totally deprived of metal.
That's odd. I'm sure I spent longer training this little guy than "one second map frame." The human looks at the black trimp with the grey head fur and silvery eyes, "So, can you say something yet?"
"Shijou." [Takane and Takanya are not black, it is their favorite clothing color.]
"Okay, can you say something else?"
9m12s: Zone 1, 40 pop, 3.5s RC with Z0/1, 13m19s turkimp. 12m55s: First scientist.
"Tai," his first scientist waves at him.
"Hmm," the human tries to think of a better test, "What color is the sky?"
"Shijou." The exasperated human is about to sigh in despair when he notices a card in its hands, with one word on it, "Blue."
"What?" he takes it, "You can't speak but you can write, huh?"
"Shijou," it twirls its paw off the end of the card in his hand. The human turns it over, and in small writing, it has "Technically, the sky isn't blue, it's a foible of Rayleigh scattering in an oxygen/nitrogen atmosphere. And you have 'TIGHTNIKS' embroidered on the left side of your uniform."
A look of astonishment sweeps over the human. I never taught it about Rayleigh scattering. Apparently, the scientist training has unlocked its brain to access the collected knowledge of a previous life! Then he looks at his uniform and groans, spanking his eyebrows in realization. The trimp had apparently noticed him wandering around the camp wracking his brain and talking to himself trying to remember his own name, and it's right there the whole time! He spanks his eyebrows again.
The very well fed grey-headed trimp starts doing experiments, leaving him to take the turkimp back to his farmers. Too bad it's only a quarter as fast at it as he is.
32m25s: Zone 3, 79 pop, 4.5s RC with Z1/2; c16, 79 pop, 6.8s RC with Z2/3.
"Nano! Nano, nano, nano." The D&B (that's dodge and block) foreman has an impressive yellow mane, light face, green body, and brown hind limbs, and moves like a blur when it decides to. When asleep, it's as unarousable as an exhumed fossil, except with the food article Yellow the scientist calls an "owny geary". [Puchim@s Afuu]
Helping it out is a brown-maned white trenching expert Tightniks finds oddly familiar. It has no problem mining, but couldn't start a fire if its life depended on it, so smelting is out of the question.
I guess that's how the Metal challenge really works. Too bad I suck at it. Tightniks is spending all his smelting time smacking out nails and joist hangers for the houses, and has nothing left for fighting gear.
1h53m25s: Zone 9, 306 pop, 7.9s RC with Z8/15, no turkimp.
The white trimp with the brown head fur- ...whichever one it is because it, or one that looks just like it, sometimes (apparently) burns itself up or blows itself up trying to build a metallurgical furnace. This one is digging a hole right now, into the concrete of some ruined building's foundation. It hits some strapping and rebar, makes a happy sound, follows it along and gets it sorta clear of the concrete bonded to it, and rips it out of the ground to throw on the metal pile. It now seems content to do that instead of trying to smelt ores.
"Red?" Tightniks glances at one of his scientists, "Do you think we could take it to- What's that place you said you visited five hundred years after some misty fight or-"
"Cloudy strife," it says, "Yeah, Midgimp is like that, we could probably map a route through there. Lots of metal. Especially the part that had an avalanche happen and fell down. Broke all that stuff out of the ground already." [Final Fantasy VII and Advent Children cinematic and Sector 7 collapse.]
"Okay," Tightniks says, "Let's do that."
5h32m02s: Zone 21, 2042 pop, 14.9s RC with Z20/232, no turkimp.
"Ooooookay," Tightniks growls, "There is something off about this thing."
"Shijou?" the grey one looks at the yellow one with concern about their human starship pilot friend.
The human stoops, picks up the little green gem on the ridge between Zone 20 and 21, looks at it, huffs, and asks, "Any idea where this comes from?"
"Err..." the red one seems hesitant to say, "I think you made it."
"Really?" the human huffs, "How could that be?" Then he tosses it at Red, "See if anything reacts to it. It might be radioactive, so we should take turns to minimize exposure."
"Really?" Red's holding it now, "What makes you say that?"
"Because I'm pissed off for no reason I can figure out," the human says, "I think it's coming from-" he gasps, "Waitamint!" He starts searching for the portal pad.
"Frags," the red one says quickly, "I think it's arranging a route. You're good with maps," it tosses the gem to the grey scientist.
The human has his portal pad up and reads aloud, "You have the Metal challenge active. Tweak the portal to- yada yada yada. Tiss tiss t- complete The Dimension Of Anger without disabling- miners will re-unlock."
\BOOM\** They turn to see (another of) the white brown-haired trimp'/s' attempts at a metallurgical furnace explode, and it seems both very frustrated and has really hurt its toe.
He snaps his fingers, "That's gotta be it. Although, does it mean 'miners' or 'furnaces'?" He re-reads the portal pad while the scientists shrug.
"Shijou," the grey one has just finished tracing the route map the gem was showing.
"Are we going any faster than on previous cycles, you think?" he asks Red.
"What's a cycle?" Red asks.
"We're stuck in time loop, you realize?" the human says.
"Well," the yellow one jumps off a little rock spire it was using to see farther ahead, directly into a seated position on the ground with an impressive thump the human can both hear with his ears and feel through the ground of the more-than-Earth gravity planet, "that explains a few things." The little scientist trimp seems quite morose at the news.
"This thing says the fastest we've ever got this 'anger' map done is ten hours, thirty-five, but the clock right now is at five hours, thirty-four." Tightniks tilts his head, frowns one eyebrow, and taps, "Getting it done faster increases attack damage somehow, and oh-"
"What now?" the yellow one asks, still seated beside the spire.
"It says we already got a 2.5%-er for having a million traps," the human says, "I don't remember doing that. Maybe..." he sighs, "Maybe that's a good thing, 'cus I'd probably go insane building them all. Still though, it says we're going faster, but it doesn't feel like it."
"How'd you know how it feels," Red asks, "if you don't remember it?"
"'Day jaw voo' I think is the term," the human says, "or something. The sense that all this has happened before, but I'm not quite remembering and there's no physical evidence of it."
"Shijooooooooooo..." the grey one moans, waving a card at him. On it:
"In order, but we don't know if that means chronological order or frequency/proportion of memories:
"- The ship crashes (pretty sure that happens every time) "- The human builds huts "- The human teaches some trimps to speak and do science "- The human builds houses "- The human makes maps "- The human builds mansions "- The human blows up and gets himself killed somewhere around Z17 to Z21, often on a dragimp "- The human only recently/occasionally builds hotels "- The human only recently/rarely tamed a dragimp "- The human only recently/rarely mapped the Dimension of Anger"
Tightniks sits down and offers it back.
"Tai," it flatly refuses to take it back, paws up and eyes closed.
"It's kind of a relief," Tightniks rubs his temples, then looks at it again, "knowing it ain't just me."
6h17m43s: Portal PB, 1% AP for sub-8h, 45 He, 7.149 He/hr, 2209 pop, 13.6s RC.
The last head of the map's boss monster goes limp as one of the fighting trimps' dagger points goes into it, and the huge thing settles on its tail, resting on the package that seems to be the prize of this map. And there's a popping sound, and then something mechanical.
Is that a scroll compressor? Tightniks looks at the package. The deflating monster's lifting envelope material drapes over everything underneath it. "Yellow, Shijou!" he snaps and points, "roll up that side of it. Keep this part from sucking down on the extractor nozzle!"
All ten of the scientists jump in, literally, pushing the gas in the bag towards the compressor. Tightniks as well, rolling up the front.
Until he kicks, and nearly trips over, a smaller package that might be the explanation for the reason why the center of the monster's defense seemed to be a little away from the big package he could see. It's in the right place, he realizes. He gets it uncovered and reads stenciled-and-sprayed block letters on it:
"DT TIME PORTAL / THIS SIDE DOWN"
Perhaps the Dimension of Anger is so named because of the rage suddenly rising up in Tightniks' throat. It isn't so much as the free-floating aggression suddenly has an answer, there is definitely a fresh batch of rage and anger as he grips the nearest Dagger V, Mark 2 with both hands-
Refocusing on surviving the next few seconds, the pilot turns on the radar for the final approach and takes a last look around, then straight ahead at his forward camera and primary flight display...
He crouches, sets the dagger down gently, then starts clearing the debris from the box's grab iron. He tries to lift it- Damn, this is heavy! As he gets it turned over, gravity finishes the job, and it shakes the ground with an impressive thud as it falls right side up.
"DT TIME PORTAL / THIS SIDE UP" There's a square cutout in the middle of one side of it, with a sliding cover at the bottom of it.
"Get the pad!" he screams, seeing that his scientists are almost done rolling up the megablimp.
The grey one already has the survival data pad and offers it to him.
"The big one," Tightniks clarifies, "The big one." he picks up wide flat rainbow cable and its edge socket in one hand, "It goes here," he points at it with the other. "It must have come with me-" He had taken the small survival data pad and notices something, "Oh?" He starts looking around, "Hey!"
The white trimp with the brown hair is napping in a hole next to the smouldering remains of its latest attempt at a smelting furnace.
"Hey, mining buddy!" he whistles at it, "Mining buddy!"
It wakes with a start and rushes over, but doesn't seem to be in a good mood. But as soon as Tightnik shows it the survival pad, with all of the mining data installed just as if all those broken data cards and scorched scrolls were intact when he found them, fireworks goes off in the little trimp's eyes and it rushes off with the pad. Within minutes, the first furnace that works is chugging away at some ore and it returns to give the survival data pad back to Tightniks.
7h24m49s: Fresh turkimp; 7h25m30s: Labor reallocated.
The big-eared green lumber foreman's mood fell much further than the mining foreman's mood was before Tightniks packed up the turkimp roaster and moved just about everyone over to the smeltery.
The brown-haired, big-tailed white mining foreman was surprised at the change, and very happy. It had climbed up onto the helium compressor cart to check something on the pad a couple cells into the zone.
"Are you upset with me?" the red one asks the human.
"No, not at all," Tightniks says, "Are you getting the feeling that we had an upset at this point last cycle?"
"How would you know it was only the last?" Yellow asks, "Your memory's no better than ours."
"Right," the human sews another patch into his uniform, "However, I've only actually hit the switch on the portal twice, the first one on a challenge called Discipline, and the second on a challenge called Metal, which we just finished. It's easy to sort out from the statistics. I'm nervous it'll get harder to sort out when we're up to, oh," done fixing his uniform, he pops a bit of turkimp into his mouth and chews a couple times, "a few dozen or hundred manual cycles."
"Friggin' solve this faster than that, please," Red grumbles, "I know the emergency counter got to nearly a thousand, but..." he kinda trails off. Finally, he says, "I think we're remembering more cycle to cycle as we get more helium into it. I mean, I'm glad that isn't the only mechanic."
"Can't miss the supernova if it is," the human ponders.
"What?" Yellow chuckles.
"I'm remembering something from before all this, I think it was called a video game, where you'd go forward real-world in the simulation of a time loop, and your real-life head remembering what you did on previous cycles was the only mechanic," the human takes another bite, then dons his uniform shirt while chewing it. After his head pops out of the not-so-crisp-and-fresh uniform neck hole, buttons still done up, he finishes, "one of them had a supernova." [That would be Outer Wilds among the bunch of games with this mechanic, er, Minnit (I know it's spelled differently than "minute"), 12 Minutes, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, and- ...I'm sure there are more.]
11h19m28s: Starting void 1 (L30).
With the thermal gloves on, Tightniks gets the void map into the portal device slot. It dematerializes and his fingers close where it used to be in his hands, then he yelps, stands up and starts dancing, "Oh crap, it's cold!" He quickly starts looking for stuff to bundle up. Once not too uncomfortable, he notices something, "You're having trouble, too?"
"No," Yellow and Red look at each other, "Well, not with the cold; this route has a poisonous atmosphere, slows down our young assimilating aluminum at the proper rate."
"Manning the traps will work at full speed, right?" Tightniks says.
"Should if your fingers can handle it," Red confirms.
11h33m57s: Void 1c100.
"You are one ugly muthaf[garble]!" he says when he sees the void boss, "Stay here, I'll be back." Runs some traps, grabs a couple helmets for the fresh volunteers, "Put these on."
"Shijou?" the grey one looks at the red one, really rather perplexed.
"I agree, that's not his usual accent," Red tilts his head, "Tightniks, what has gotten in to you?"
"Stop cheering me up," the human grumbles, "You think this is the real Quaid?"
"I think the cold is affecting him more than he realizes," Yellow offers.
"Phased plasma rifle in the forty watt range," but what the dizzy pilot actually throws at the zone boss is a Mace V-4, "and then I was thinking of breaking your neck."
[Felt like some- "Arnie? Well, the union is pulling out all the big guns today, huh?" (Tom Hanks as Sully) ...no, brain, Arnold Schwarzenegger, not Arnie Gentile (it was really funny to background Sully and listen to that line instead of "That's definitely you" in Terminator 2 while he's posing with the Minigun.) Arnie lines from Predator, Terminator 2, True Lies, Total Recall and The Terminator.]
"Tweak the portal," reads Tightniks from the portal controller aloud, but quietly, "to bring you to an alternate reality, where Trimps are bigger and stronger, to force yourself to figure out a way to build larger housing. Your Trimps will gather 50% more resources, but your housing will fit 50% fewer Trimps. If you complete The Dimension of Anger without disabling the challenge, your stats will return to normal."
"You will also open a new memory coolant unit," Yellow reads, "You think that'll cause a housing bonus?"
"Shijou," the grey one hands him a card saying "We have enough for another gateway."
"Oh, good," Tightniks hands it back after signing it, "Yes, build it."
"We're doing that next?" Yellow asks.
Tightniks sees the little fellow sitting on top of a mound that the human thought was a bowel movement pile from Draglimp, but it must be something more geological if trimps can climb it, let alone want to. "Yeah, I guess," the human answers, "It kinda scares me, I mean I'm going back, but what happens to you guys?"
"We have too much day javo or whatever you called it," Red says. He's usually on all fours, shakes his left hind leg as though something got stuck to his foot, "This isn't incrementing, I'm sure. 13 is less than 956."
"According to this, you'll be twice as big," Tightniks sets down the portal controller pad and stands up from the cart, "It's hard to imagine, especially for Shijou and Diggy. We'll clear thirty-six, that's it."
14h04m37s: Z33c95, IC.
"Are you sure we can make Zone 37 start?" the red one asks.
The yellow one is standing on Red's shoulders.
"It said we did last time," Tightniks taps on the crude leather bag strapped to his back, the portal pad inside it, "though maybe..." he tilts his head, rolls whatever he was sucking on in his mouth for a moment, "it just happened while I was building those traps. No, I'm sticking with that plan."
"If it's going to take that long," Red grinds its jaws sideways for a moment and lets its eyelids get lazy, frustration clear in its tone, "why do it again?"
"Because I've got a bad feeling about this 'Size' thing," Tightniks says, "it drops our resourcing by 75% assuming we build the same amount of housing as before, which we won't because of the reduced resourcing. We needed 65 capacity in the cabin and huts before we could do run the gypsum/paper wall machine we found. I have a funny feeling that never changes."
"We don't need 65 trimps to run it," Yellow says, "just three."
"Yeah," Tightniks says, "but a particular three that know what they're doing, and my day javoo is telling me the last of those is always the sixty-fifth."
"Shijou," the grey one moans from the other side of Tightniks. Didn't have a note this time, just kicking a little rock along as it walks.
"It thinks you're right," the red one growls forlornly, "Hating to say it, but I do too."
14h16m06s: Skel in c1, 50 bones purchased whipimp.
There's a thump at the cart, and then some commotion around it that's noticable enough for Tightniks to come over and take a look. The bone box is empty, all forty-nine titanium bones in it are gone. Tightiks brings his right hand up in front of him, and it's just a balled fist, the bone he was holding a moment ago is gone. As he starts looking for where he must have dropped it, he realizes maybe it's all related. Looking in the bottom of the empty bone box, he finds a note.
"I got you the whipimp. This new Bad Guy will begin spawning in your next zone at an average of 3 spawns per 100 enemies. I hope it helps, but I can't tell yet."
The note is in Tightniks' own handwriting, although lazy but with more consistent kerning. Is this from an older version of myself? Friggin' time travel.
14h18m48s: This L34 moun 160/27/79 calls itself "Magical Mountain" - I can't remember whether the Disney trademark is that or "Magic Mountain" ...I've seen a "Black Mesa" before, that's a Half-Life thing, and somebody on Reddit made pretend that "Dank Hill" was a King of the Hill thing (which is actually *Hank Hill, I think - it's hard to remember, it wasn't very good and I haven't watched it since the 1990s.)
19h32m00s: Doom/AT, 12816 pop, 80N, 37.7s RC with Z34/5298.
"Okay, we got that friggin' thing chocked," Yellow wipes its brow and almost bonks itself with the Mace VI-2 that it's holding, puts it down and makes sure the wedges are secure.
Grey, Red, and Green are packing more stuff around the huge boulder that chased them down a tunnel to make sure it doesn't do that again.
"Getting any day javoo?" Tightniks pants, hands on his knees, but apparently uninjured, or nearly so.
"Not at all," Yellow vehemently responds, slashing the air with its paw, "You?"
"Oh," Tightniks gets his breathing under control, "I think it was a human movie."
"Like a video on that pad?" it gestures at the human's pocket with the small one.
"No, a bigger screen," the human says.
"Fifty-five inches?" the trimp scientist chuckles.
"More like fifty-five feet," the human rubs the sweat out of his eyes, "Lots of people watching. It was called a sin."
"Ah," the trimp ponders, "Like a crime, vice, psychopathy or bad habit?"
"Er..." the human taps his forehead trying to remember, "Sorry, a cinema."
[The whole thing is obviously an homage to something I remember only slightly better than Tightniks, I think it was Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. As I'm posting this, I sadly realize that Nick Rekieta's arrest was between when I wrote this and now.]
19h58m55s: Zone 37, 473 He, 23.67 He/hr, 13088 pop, 81N, 32.1s RC with Z34/5298, 2806 pop short, no turkimp.
The ship is without power, and Tightniks can't run the radar much without draining the batteries...

I would need to upgrade my current carry (MR ASAP) to something like a briefcase as i got a small promotion and for 2 days i will be staying at the office.
My japanese boss hinted me to get a briefcase so i think my bag stands out too much?
I normally carry : 1. Water bottle 2. Umberalla 3. Sometimes a laptop 4. Students papers(i work as part time teacher) 5. Bunch of teacher related items.
Any suggestions?
My current options right now seems to be either (no particular order) 1. Filson 24 hour bag 2. Saddleback flight bag 3. Cravar co bag 4. Coach rouge briefcase

I think my only option is to completely resign as a stepparent. I desperately need advice about sustaining a marriage with polar opposite parenting styles, & how to deal with teenage boys with no manners or basic hygiene.
There is a lot of background here I will try to keep as to-the-point as possible. I am 34 with a 10 year-old daughter. My husband is 39 with a 15 year-old son. We each had kids at 23. We are 5 years apart, as are our kids. We were also friends for 5 years before “courting” & built a strong bond of trust already, so yes, we courted. I had rejected him a few times over the years, as I was abstinent after a toxic relationship & did not want to repeat the same patterns. Over the covid lockdowns, we started talking, texting, facetiming more than ever. When he asked me out again, I told him I was not interested in dating without the ultimate goal of marriage, to which he said, “Good. I don’t want a girlfriend, I want a wife.” 3 months later, we became engaged & our marriage is truly amazing & fulfilling in so nearly every way except one - my daughter & I, some of the most playful & outgoing outdoorsy girls you could meet, have no idea how to connect to his son. And there is nothing to make me think it is worth even trying anymore.
Miraculously, husband & I both get along extremely well with our co-parents. I could not see myself with someone that doesn’t. Neither of us have court orders or child support or rigid schedules. My daughter’s bio dad is one of my best friends, & I made very clear that a relationship with me means respecting his role. He said the same of his son’s bio mom. I come from a very blended family in which this is the ideal. My parents were at each other’s weddings & all get along & still get together. Our own coparents attended our wedding a year & a half ago. And that meant the absolute world to me & hopefully if not now, someday our kids.
For sure, my husband could not be a better stepfather. He & my daughter share inside jokes & their own games & pranks. She has her own nickname for him & will run to him & hug & climb all over him. They convinced me to add baby goats to our homestead, & have been tending to & bottle-feeding them both, a beautiful connection & commitment to share. He says, “She makes it easy.” And to put it lightly, his son does not - but I am absolutely not allowed to talk about it without getting ridiculed.
I first met the son when he was 13. Overweight, awkward, all of his hair in front of his eyes. He then retreated to his room. I know him to be the exact same now. He is 6’0 & I think over 200lbs, larger than my dad. He defaults to locking himself in his room. Unless asked to help stack wood or play a game with the rest of us, he only emerges to use the bathroom (in which he never brushes his teeth or washes his hands), or ask his dad for food - of which, he literally only eats yellow rice & chicken. He will otherwise smash an entire bag of “Takis” or flaming hot Cheetos at 10 AM & continuously throughout the day as they are available to him. He plays live multiplayer games from morning often to midnight or 3 AM, with my daughter’s room right next to him, where I blast the fan & AC & ocean sounds to drown him out. Calling this out seemed to be calling stepson out personally, so all I can do is adapt. Daughter thankfully likes it cold.
I have tried to be as soft & supportive in airing my grievances to husband, but they are never taken with grace or accountability. I am not perfect & have definitely been passive aggressive with his reactivity, as he takes my issues as insults rather than something to work on. He casts blame on bio mom or Covid, & now me. “I don’t know what goes on at bio-mom’s house, we moved an hour away & he gets carsick! I’m out of his life!” “It’s because he was stuck inside for 2 years!” “Are you sure you didn’t HEAR him say hi?” “Good news, I’ve been living with him 15 years, never sanitized a doorknob in his life, & I’ve been fine!” “I wouldn’t want to leave my room with you criticizing his every move either!”
Our first night in our new home for example, was a nightmare. My hand lotion moved from the bathroom counter to the back of the toilet - so then into our room immediately. He left the toilet seat open & my razor covered in pubes. He left open bags of chips with crumbs all over the counter. “It’s an adjustment, it’s hard on everyone!” Husband said over & over. This was an understatement, being that my daughter has been raised to ask for anything from snack time to screen time always with “please,” “thank you,” & we eat out of bowls that we put in the sink rather than stack in our room with soda cans & candy wrappers.. I am familiar with the saying, “Living room kids come from healthy families. Bedroom kids do not.” Daughter is a living room kid. Stepson is a bedroom kid. Either way, I had never had personal items used without asking &felt extremely violated by stepson, then upset that husband blamed me for it instead of understanding where I was coming from.
This remains true nearly a year later. My husband has started lashing out while drinking the past few months, accusing me of “HATING” his son, which is extremely hurtful as I do not harbor any hate in my heart for anyone. What I disdain is the way he is raising his son under our shared roof & living spaces, & that he refuses to acknowledge or communicate about it. As things were not greatly improving, I personally had a talk with stepson about basic manners. I said, “When you enter this house without a greeting or making eye contact, it is an insult. It comes off as rude & entitled & I don’t like feeling like a ghost in my own house. This is your house too & I want you to feel comfortable. But you can help me feel more comfortable too.” “Yeah, okay. Sorry.”
I have truly never had a real conversation with this kid. He does say “hi” & “bye” & the occasional “thank you” now. At this point, it is abundantly clear that he does not want me in a step role, & neither does his father, & neither does bio mom. So it seems I have no choice but to let it all go & suffer bad manners & hygiene, silence, & now bitter resentment from husband.
What I have observed is that I actually“coparent” with my daughter’s father. We coordinate around each other’s schedules, we make decisions together, we communicate about her physical, emotional, spiritual, educational, & social wellbeing. Husband & bio mom do not. They parent in isolation & simply let the other do as they please, which has resulted in a child without manners or discipline. This has led bio mom to put the kid on PROZAC without husband’s consent. This horrified me, as someone who only goes to the doctor for stitches. My daughter’s doctor is the naturopath who midwived her in the bedroom she still sleeps in at her father’s house. I understand not everyone is as holistically minded, but I begged husband to get him to a nutritionist first. The child is obese & malnourished. But too late. Bio mom did as she pleased without communication, which seems constant among them.
I have not shared my views as I know they are not welcome. Bio mom is medicated, her other 10 year-old son (deceased dad) is medicated, & now teenage stepson is as well. Husband blames our distance from him which feels like an indirect blame on me, as we are closer to my community & business as husband works from home. But truly they live in the ghetto, & I have always lived on the coast & barely like to drive through those inner cities. I set up a high school tour for them here which is one of the best schools in the state with a tech program I thought stepson would love, but he chose to stay with his friends, in one of the worst schools of the state. He incredibly won class president, though has dropped a bunch of honors classes & continues failing others.
My birthday was last week. When my husband asked what I wanted, I said baby back ribs & family. I just wanted to grill & chill due to an insane work week. I run a housekeeping business & worked for 24 hours in 3 days opening up for the summer rental season. I did not want to go crazy hosting & knew I would if we invited friends. “Are you sure? You wouldn’t be hosting, I will be! You don’t have to do a thing!” He emphasized over & again. So when a friend ended up visiting from out of state, I was ecstatic to invite her & our mutual close friend to BBQ with us. They are single moms with 4 toddlers between them & wanted to camp on our land.
We had a great day grilling & running the sprinkler & feeding the animals. Husband had promised stepson would be outside with us all day. Toward the evening, I asked where he was. “Do you see any other teenagers out there? What’s he supposed to do?” I was hurt. “Well I don’t see any 10 year-olds either, but [daughter] is still out there, & you actually said he would spend the whole day with us. I just want some time all together.” Husband knocked on his son’s door & said, “Hey it’s her birthday, it’d be nice if you come out & spend some time with us.” Then he did, & even if it was just a quick basketball game with his dad & he introduced himself to no one, it still meant so much to me.
So later when we had helped friends & toddlers set up a tent & fire in our woods, I hugged husband & thanked him for bringing stepson out with us, saying family time was all I wanted. “You two have such a healthy relationship,” my friend says. At the time, it uplifted him & he said he loved this friend to death. A few hours later, he said it was “hilarious.”
We had invited stepson’s mom, but she was out of town. My coparent joined us however, & he & husband stayed at camp with the moms & toddlers while I went to tuck daughter into bed around 9. We played some trivia to unwind, said a prayer, & I kissed her good night & went to start the dishes. Husband & coparent came back around 11 when I was ready to go to bed myself. They were suddenly on a completely different level as my slow & steady beer intake. Both their legs were gashed & covered in blood from their hike without a flashlight, which they thought was hysterical. They were loud & silly like, “You can’t go to bed, it’s your birrrfday!” & I realized, ah. They were drinking my girls’ tequila.
Coparent went on a drunk spiel thanking me so much for all the love I am, how I keep the family together, this & that & showering me with slurred praise. Husband was drunkenly yet enthusiastically agreeing & thanking me, saying I was the best. I tried staying up with them to be polite but they were so deep in conversation on a different level that I went to go make the baby goat formula for their 5AM feeding & go to bed. But I couldn’t find their bottles. I raised my hand with the men, gradually higher & higher to ask husband if he had seen them. “I see you have your hand raised, but hang on, let me finish this point,” coparent said. So husband finally noticed, & I cut in anyway asking if he had seen them. “As a matter of fact, no, YOU fed the goats last so I have no IDEA where they are,” he raised his voice, literally pointing a finger at me.
That suddenly spiraled into another drunken heated accusation of how much I hate his son. I started crying & saying all I wanted was for him to be with us today & that I was grateful he brought him out. He fought me saying they can never have a good weekend because of me, called me an “@$$hole,” & said “F you ,” 3 times in a row, upsetting me so much as there was absolutely nothing I could say, to the point I slugged him in the arm to get him to stop. This has happened twice before embarrassingly with alcohol, when he just yells & yells things that are not true & curses at me that I can’t even respond vocally. “You see how she treats me?!” Both men of course freaked out & coparent started yelling at me to listen to husband. This essentially turned into 2 hours of incessant berating from both of them. They both cried during their own tangents. It spun out of asking for baby goat bottles & continued til 2 AM with, for the first time, continual threats of divorce.
“You are not in this relationship & do not need to mediate it,” I told coparent.
“Like it or not, I am! How you treat husband affects all of us! His feelings are VALID & you need to be quiet & listen to him!” he said.
“I’ve heard this all before & it is simply not true! I do not hate stepson & he wants to divorce me because he thinks I do!”
“Emotions cause us to say things we don’t mean, he does not want to divorce you & knows you don’t hate him,” coparent said.
“Oh no, I DEFINITELY believe she hates him. And if I have to spend the last 4 years of his youth with my son being constantly criticized, I will absolutely divorce her!”
“I did not criticize him once today! I never criticize him, I am trying to help us become a functional household!”
And he just went round & round in the same circular aggressions that can only hear themselves. I continually begged for them to stop yelling as daughter’s window was open, the baby goats needed sleep, our rabbits didn’t need that stress. But I got yelled at more for that. “You can’t control passion & you need to sit down & LISTEN to your husband!” Coparent kept insisting. But I had heard it all many times before. I even tried to sleep in the goat pen, trying to settle the poor babies, still hearing the men raise their voices about me, how being critical was just my nature, & then got yelled out of there.
Around midnight, I tried to resign again & go back inside to finish dishes when stepson emerged. “Do you know where Dad is?” “Oh he’s outside, you can probably save him from [daughter’s dad].” He went into the bathroom. So I poked my head out while they continued bashing me & said, “Stepson needs you.” “I’ll be right there.” I went back to the dishes. Stepson comes out of the bathroom. As always, flushes, no faucet (or hand-washing). “He says he’ll be right there sweetie.” No words, back into his bedroom. 10 minutes go by & still no husband as I continue the endless dishes. I poke my head out again. “Did you not hear me? Your son needs you.” “ALL RIGHT!”
Turns out he needed dinner. Despite a huge spread of barbecue & potatoes & corn & pasta & salad & veggies & dips, stepson touched none of it & needed his chicken & yellow rice. So husband literally cooked him dinner at 1230AM, all the while continuing to accuse me of hating him whilst doing so.
Coparent authentically apologized the next morning on the phone. “You screamed at me for HOURS when I was ready for bed to listen to falsities I have heard over & over without ONCE trying to hear me.” He got it. He humbled & admitted specific wrongs & I accepted his apology.
“Sorry” does not seem to mean anything when you throw around the “D” word like that though. Husband pledged to stop drinking. To his credit, 3 days later, he still hasn’t. But when I said, “If you think I am capable of hate, you don’t know me at all,” the best apology he could give me was, “I’m sorry, I don’t think you hate him. But I know you don’t like him.” Then, “I don’t want to divorce you. I feel like I ruined our entire lives in one night.”
I told him that this is going to take more than “sorry” to heal, especially where blame is still cast, & he will have to “show” me. I don’t even know how, through more conscientious parenting? We haven’t slept in the same bed in 3 nights. I haven’t cooked for him, but I still clean after him. We finished some homestead projects in near-silence together.
I think I must resign to being the invisible ghost stepson makes me feel like. Do I have ANY role here but to resign & accept his parenting & continue mine with my daughter alone, while he reaps the benefits of an amazing relationship with her? Isolation parenting just like with stepson’s biomom ? If not for my daughter & our animals & gardens, I would just want to lock myself in a room all day too. But that’s what is so hard for me to get. We have nearly 30 acres & this child is permitted to be a blob on a screen living on empty calories all day & night. I cannot & will not blame a child for anything. I told my husband that when a plant isn’t thriving, you nourish it & improve its environment. He said he didn’t get it. And as deeply as I love him & don’t want to even think about divorce, I have never been so unattracted to him.

So I’ll try my best to make this as short as possible without sacrificing any important details.
I had a long haired Dalmatian that on paper, passed away from liver failure at the least. Possibly total organ failure but not 100% sure.
We took our dog to an animal hospital 45 minutes away because it was the only available place open at midnight.
He was showing signs of confusion, drooling, and lethargy after refusing to eat or drink anything the day of and the past three or four days prior to this day, he was having bouts of diarrhea and vomiting. The day we took him to the animal hospital was when we noticed he was showing signs of confusion, lethargy and drooling so we thought he was poisoned or something was seriously wrong.
Get him to the hospital and they do an x-ray and an ultrasound to check if there were any foreign objects in his stomach or intestines to rule out any immediate signs of poisoning from a foreign object. He was empty and only had water in his stomach so they decided to do the blood work next.
My girlfriend was the one that took him there and she was only in panic mode so she did not not care. Let alone know anything about the numbers. They were explaining to her after they got the bloodwork panel.
They did not run a tox screen. His liver enzymes were 700 for AST and ALT. I’m not sure 100% because I’m not a professional, but I’m pretty sure that this is an immediate sign of liver failure. Based on the research I did.
They gave him fluids and an IV bag as well as a liver pill on site. They then provided my girlfriend with the option to either keep him overnight or she can take him back home so that we can bring him to our local vet in the morning and save money.
The vet did not seem concerned at all and made my girlfriend think that either option was going to be OK, whether it was keeping him there or taking him home to save money at the local vet. His liver enzymes were clearly showing that he was liver failure, which draws my concern and ultimately this post.
I believe this was a complete and utter mistake on the vets part based on the bloodwork panel, showing that the dog was basically dying and needed immediate attention.
He ended up going unconscious overnight and when we realize he was unresponsive, we rushed him to our local vet where they were unable to save him, and he had to be put down. The vets at our local clinic were all in shock were all in shock at his liver enzymes because of how high they were, and were convinced to lean towards a serious poisoning.
There is no proof of what caused the liver failure, but I am here to ask you guys for any opinions on the first animal hospital we took him to.
Based on the liver enzymes on paper, I believe that is liver failure, which is stage four and is any immediate and urgent situation where the dog is considered to be in critical condition. Underneath the blood panel, there is notation from the doctor which is essentially his diagnosis based on the observations and recordings, and he stated simply liver disease. It should have been stated that it was stage four liver failure based on the numbers.
How on earth did the vets even give my girlfriend the option to leave at all instead of seriously, pushing her to keep our dog there because he is in a serious condition that needs to be treated immediately? She was never told how serious this situation was and never felt like it was an emergency situation based on how the vet was reacting to his bloodwork
Is there anything I can do? I seriously believe this is malpractice and there was a chance they could have saved our dog or at least given it a shot. I think this is extremely negligent and irresponsible on their part.
Hopefully you guys can give me some insight/closure/opinions on if we were handed the short end of the stick.

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I've been doing some research on early chemistry, and while reading Lavoisier's "Elements of Chemistry" I found an interesting excerpt stating that gypsum is composed of sulfuric acid and lime. This led me down a rabbit hole wondering how this was discovered, because I assume this result is based on an extraction of sulfuric acid and lime from gypsum, as had been done with other metal sulfates. However, in all my searching the extent of what I can find is that experimental analysis led Lavoisier to believe gypsum was a combination of sulfuric acid and lime, which was confirmed by a synthesis of gypsum from said materials. Obviously, this is not very helpful. I would like to know what experiments were done specifically and how. I did find a link to a French site with his paper on the matter, but it was priced at about 1,300 euros (oof). Any information would be helpful.

The first time I jumped into Tinks, I was ten years old.
I strictly remember being in class, daydreaming.
Anna Pepper was sitting behind me throwing paper airplanes at my head.
“Mrs Never.” I spoke up, throwing up my hand.
“Anna keeps throwing paper airplanes at me–
I stopped, my words choking into a very male squeak. When I slammed my hand over my mouth, I didn't recognise it, or the threaded sweatshirt it was attached to. I was in a different classroom. The kids around me were different. They weren't shout and yell like my classmates. These kids were too quiet. This classroom didn't have windows like mine. This one had a scary teacher who stormed over to my desk, slamming his hand on my desk.
“Tinks, is there something you want to say?”
Tinks…?!
I caught my reflection in the teacher's glasses, a tiny blonde boy with wide eyes staring back at me. I found my voice, or at least, I found his voice.
“Uh, no.” I choked out. “No, I'm… I’m okay.”
A second after I spoke the words, I was back in my classroom, standing at the front of the classroom. My teacher looked horrified, and then I saw the blood on my hands. Wait. No. Slowly, I licked my pinkie. Cherry juice?
The cherries Mom packed me for lunch.
In my reflection, I was stained scarlet, my lips covered in cherry juice.
Hannah turned to me with a grin. “Weirdo.”
We called it jumping.
The boy’s life was different from mine. I had candy, Adventure Time and soccer practice. Tinks was always in that exact same grey room. I never saw his parents.
The teacher never changed, and neither did his classmates.
If anything, the amount of kids around him decreased. He told me he was finishing school. Reaching teenagehood, the jumps started to slow down. By the age of sixteen, I thought they stopped.
But, in the middle of dinner with my parents, I jumped. This time I felt it.
The wave coming over me, my surroundings blurring around me. I expected the grey classroom, but instead, I was… still. Paralysed.
Through Tinks’ open eyes, I could make out a clinical white room, a soaked white sheet stained dark red.
When I looked down at myself, though, there was… nothing there. Tinks no longer had a body. What was his body had been stuffed into white coolers seeping that same sickly red.
A hysterical scream bubbled inside a throat that had been severed from his body.
That was gone.
Help.
I couldn't move his eyes, and his lips were gone.
I waited to jump back.
I waited.
Men in white came and scooped up Tink’s remnants and stuffed me into a bag.
It was okay! I was going to jump soon. I was going to go back.
Back to Mom.
Adventure Time.
Soccer practice.
It got really hot, an orange glow the last thing I saw.
But I'm still here, Tinks. I'm not getting any older.
I'm still waiting to jump.
Home.

• Alien Corpse Operating Bed
• Alien Tube
• Asteroid
• Barbed Wire Fences
• Bottle and Cappy Walking Globe Statue
• Blue Devil Plushie
• Double Display Shelf
• Gulper Rug
• Honeycomb Paper Holiday Tree A
• Honeycomb Paper Holiday Tree B
• Honeycomb Paper Icy Snowflake
• Honeycomb Paper Jolly Target
• Honeycomb Paper Ribbon Bell
• Honeycomb Paper Snowman
• Nuka Quantum Grenade
• Nuka Cola Grenade
• Nuka-Cola Crate Stalls
• Human Tube 1
• Human Tube 2
• Paddock Gate
• Plastiform Candle
• Plastiform Gingerbread
• Plastiform Nutcracker
• Plastiform Santa
• Plastiform Santa Sleigh
• Princess Castle Pink Sleeping Bag
• Red Rocket Gas Pump Wall Light
• Red Rocket Gas Station Lamp
• Red Truck Ceiling Light
• Raider Jet Pack
• Shishkebab
• Star Light
• Straw Goats
• Tattered Curtains
• T-45 Jet Pack
• T-45 Motion-Assist Servos
• T-60 Jet Pack
• T-60 Motion-Assist Servos
• Wall Mounted Fan

Hello!
I have moved to Maple Ridge a few weeks ago and I am having a hard time to understand the garbage pick up here. Im okay with paper, plastic, cans/glass/cartoons, no issues with those.
However they did not pick up my organic trash today neither the foam packages (the ones that come in meat packages for example).
My organic waste was in a black bin with a big black open bag. Inside this big black bag we had small green compost bags individually closed.
What am I doing wrong? Any tips are appreciated. Many thanks!

Posting for my Fiance. I'm hoping this won't be too complicated to explain. Also sorry for the length. Location: Phoenix, AZ
About 3 years ago my fiance cosigned on a vehicle for a former gf (he's heard many times how dumb of a decision that was after the fact). Shortly there after they broke up and he had to file a restraining order on her.
She has been making payments ever since, until a few months ago when he started getting phone calls from the lenders about late payments. He wasn't given any more information about it from the lenders. He reached out to her through email to ask if everything was okay, and she emailed back telling him to fuck off and mind his own business.
Fast forward to yesterday, he received an email from her, from the day prior saying, "car died while driving it, it's all yours, go fuck yourself", it took an additional hour after to even get the cars location. She left it abandoned, unlocked, on the side of the road in one of the more shittier parts of Phoenix, but was surprisingly not gone through.
We were able to get the car towed to our house and upon inspecting it we found bags of garbage, drug paraphernalia and residue and her notary ledgers, and her clients information, and a mess load of personal mail and child support papers.
The car itself is also in horrible condition, multiple accidents, seats are ripped up, dash cracked, smoke damage, etc.... We asked her for the key, and she once again told us no and to go fuck ourselves and it's our problem now.
My question is, what do we do from here? We called the lender and found out she's 3 months past due payment wise, there's still 22k left on the loan and there's no way in hell the car will sell to cover that.
Can we get her off the loan if we take responsibility for payments, or make it so she can't come back for it? We have email proof of her abandoning it.
Can we sue her for the amount owed on the loan or past due?
Is this something we should get the police involved in?
I'm sorry for the wall of text, we are just really unsure of what the next steps should be.
Thank you .

I'm buying less of some things as I get older. I'm in my late 30's now and haven't bought ziploc bags or dryer sheets in probably 10-15 years, and I buy a 2-pack of paper towels once a year. I think consumerism was baked into us at an early age, but at some point I started questioning why I was buying some of these items when the convenience they offered wasn't worth the cost. Anyone else going through this too? What sort of things are you no longer buying?

Today my wife and I are at the grocery store, waiting in line for a self-checkout. In front of us a few spots in line is the Boomer. There are no more plastic bags in my State, and stores charge ten cents per paper bag if you’re not using your own. I assume it’s this way in most places.
This Boomer gets to the part where they ask about bags, selects 1, and gets charged ten cents. This was apparently a bridge too far. She proceeded to hold up the line ringing the bell for a person to come over and says, rude as fuck, “WHY was I just CHARGED for a paper bag?”
The poor kid is already over it and just says “I’ll void it out. It’s an honor system so just press zero if you don’t want to pay for it.” and removes the charge. (I get it, he doesn’t get paid enough to deal with dumb shit like this) He literally told her just to hit zero in the future and go about her business. This wasn’t enough. She needed to rant and rage about how it’s a stupid rule, and the people who made it are stupid, and that it’s wasting her time and…then some Good Samaritan says “You’re wasting OUR time Lady! Keep it moving!” and she look flustered and stomped out with all of her groceries loose in her cart. Through all of that, she still never bagged up her shit. She just rolled out with all of them in the cart and slowly loaded her 12 items into the truck her husband was waiting for her in, blocking the main road by the front of the store. 😆
There it is folks, the dumbest shit I’ve seen in ages. Someone arguing for nearly ten minutes over a fucking dime that they weren’t charged, that could have been fully avoidable. After it was immediately made free and a non-issue. Blows my mind.

PLAYBOY Interview With Conan O'Brien Interview by Kevin Cook For Playboy Magazine February 1998
A candid conversation with the preppie prince of "Late Night" about his rocky start, his show's secret one-day cancellation and how David Letterman saved the day.
He was polite. He was funny. He gave us a communicable disease.
At 34 Conan O'Brien is hotter than the fever he was running when we met in his private domain above the "Late Night" sound stage. A gangly freckle-faced ex-high school geek he is "one of TV's hottest properties" according to "People" magazine. The host of "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" has become his generation's king of comedy.
Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. Congested too, but O'Brien has far more to worry about than his head cold. A perfectionist who broods over one bad minute in an otherwise perfect hour of TV, he worries he might be anhedonic, "I have trouble with success," he says, "I was raised to believe that if something good happens something bad is coming." Sure things look good now "Rolling Stone" calls "Late Night" "the hottest comedy show on TV." Ratings are better than ever, particularly among 18- to 34-year-olds, the viewers advertisers crave.
But O'Brien only works harder. Despite his illness he taped two shows in 26 hours on three hours' sleep. He smoothly interviewed Elton John then burst into coughing fits during commercials. Later in his crammed corner office overlooking Manhattan traffic Conan the Cool gulped Dayquil gel caps. He coughed spewing microbes.
"Sorry, sorry," he said. Of course O'Brien can't complain. He came seriously close to falling to being banished behind the scenes as just another failed talk show host.
At his first "Late Night" press conference he corrected a reporter who called him a relative unknown, "Sir I am a complete unknown," he said. That line got a laugh, but soon O'Brien looked doomed. His September 13, 1993 debut began with O'Brien in his dressing room preparing to hang himself only to be interrupted by the start of his show. Before long his career was hanging by a thread. Ratings were terrible. Critics hated the show. Tom Shales of "The Washington Post" called it as "lifeless and messy as roadkill." Shales said O'Brien should quit.
Network officials held urgent meetings discussing the Conan O'Brien debacle. Should they fire him? How should they explain their mistake?
In the end of course he turned it around. The network hung with him long enough for the ratings to improve and the host of the cooler-than-ever "Late Night" now defines comedy's cutting edge just as Letterman did ten years ago.
Even Shales loves "Late Night" these days. He calls O'Brien's turnaround "one of the most amazing transformations in television history."
O'Brien was born on April 18, 1963 in Brookline, Massachusetts. His father, a doctor, is a professor at Harvard Medical School. His mother, a lawyer, is a partner at an elite Boston Law firm. Conan, the third of six children became a lector at church and a misfit at school. Tall and goofy, bedeviled with acne, he tried to impress girls with jokes. That plan usually bombed, but O'Brien eventually found his niche at Harvard where he won the presidency of the "Harvard Lampoon" in 1983 and again in 1984 - the first two-time "Lampoon" president since humorist Robert Benchley held the honor 85 years ago.
After graduating magna cum laude with a double major in literature and American history he turned pro. Writing for HBO's "Not Necessarily The News." O'Brien was earning $100,000 a year before his 24th birthday. But writing was never enough.
He honed his performance skills with the Groundlings, a Los Angeles improv group. There he worked with his onetime girlfriend Lisa Kudrow, now starring on "Friends." But Conan was not such a standout. In 1988 he landed a job at "Saturday Night Live" - but as a writer, not as on-air talent. In almost four years on the show O'Brien made only fleeting appearances, usually as a crowd member or security guard. His writing was more memorable. He wrote (or co-wrote) Tom hanks' "Mr Short-Term Memory" skits as well as the "pump you up" infosatire of Hanz and Franz and the nude beach sketch in which Matthew Broderick and "SNL" members played nudists admiring one another's penises. With dozens of mentions of the word that hit was the most penis-heavy moment in TV history. It helped O'Brien win an Emmy for comedy writing.
In 1991 he quit "SNL" and moved on to "The Simpsons" where he worked for two years. His urge to perform came out in wall-bouncing antics in writers' meetings. "Conan makes you fall out of your chair" said "Simpsons" creator Matt Groening. O'Brien's yen to act out was so strong that he spurned Fox's reported seven-figure offer to continue as a writer. He was driving for the spotlight.
By then David Letterman had announced he was turning shin - leaving NBC taking his ton-rated act to CBS. Suddenly NBC was up a creek without a host. The network turned to Lorne Michaels, O'Brien's "Saturday Night Live" boss. Michaels enlisted Conan's help in the host search planning to use him in a behind-the-scenes job. But when Garry Shandling, Dana Carvey and almost every other star turned down the chore of following Letterman, Michaels finally listened to Conan's crazy suggestion, "Let me do it!" Michaels persuaded the network to entrust it's 12:30 slot which Letterman had turned into a gold mine to an untested wiseass from Harvard.
O'Brien was working on one of his last "Simpsons" episodes when he got the news. He turned "paler than usual," Groening recalled. The Conan moseyed back to where the other writers were working, "I'll come back with the Homer Simspon joke later. I have to go replace Letterman," he said.
NBC executives now get credit for their foresight during those dark days of 1993 and 1994. They snared the axe and now reap the multimillion-dollar spoils of that decision. In fact, the story is not so simple. We sent Contributing Editor Kevin Cook to unravel the tale of O'Brien's survival, which he tells here for the first time. Cook reports:
"His office is chock-full of significa. There's a three-foot plastic pickle the Letterman staff left behind in 1993 - perhaps to suggest what a predicament he was in. There's a copy of Jack Paar's 'I Kid You Not' and a coffee-table book called 'Saturday Night Live: The First 20 Years.' His bulletin board features letters from fans such as John Watters and Bob Dole and an 8" x 10" glossy of Andy Richter with the inscription: "To Conan - Your bitter jealousy warms my black heart. Love and Kisses Andy."
"Of course it's all for show. From the photos of kitch icons Adam West and Robert Stack to the framed Stan Laurel autograph, from the deathbed painting of Abraham Lincoln, to the ironic star taped to Conan's door - they're all clever signals that tell a visitor how to view the star. Lincoln was his collegiate preoccupation: stardom is his occupation. Somewhere between the two I hoped to find the real O'Brien.
"As a Playboy reader he wanted to give me a better-than-average interview. I wanted something more - a definitive look at the guy who may end up being the Johnny Carson of his generation."
"Here's hoping we succeeded. If not I carried his germs 3000 miles and infected dozens of Californians for no good reason.
O'Brien: Yes, this is how to do a Playboy Interview -- completely tanked on cold medicine. I'll pick it up and read, "Yes, I'm gay."
Playboy: We could talk another time. O'Brien: (coughing) No, it's OK. I memorized Dennis Rodman's answers. Can I use them?
Playboy: You sound really sick. Do you ever take a day off? O'Brien: No. The age of talk show hosts taking days off is over. Johnny Carson could go to Africa when he was the only game in town -- "See you in two weeks!" But nobody does that now. I will give you a million dollars on the first day Jay takes off for illness.
Playboy: Do you ever slow down and enjoy your success? O'Brien: If anything, the pace is picking up. Restaurateurs insist on giving me a table even if I'm only passing by, so I'm eating nine meals a night. Women stop me on the street and hand me their phone numbers.
Playboy: So you have groupies? O'Brien: Oh yes. And other fans. Drifters. Prisoners. Insomniacs. Cab Drivers, who must watch a lot of late night TV, seem to love me lately. They keep saying, "You will not pay, you will not pay, you make me happy!"
Playboy: How happy did your new contract make you? O'Brien: Terrified. The network said, "We're all set for five years." I said, "Shut up, shut up! I can't think that far ahead." Tonight, for instance, I do my jokes, then interview Elton John and Tim Meadows. We finished taping about 6:30. By 6:45 my memory was erased and my only thought was, Tomorrow: John Tesh. And I started to obsess about John Tesh. Sad, don't you think?
Playboy: Not too sad. You got off to a rocky start but now you're so hot that People magazine recently said, "that was then, this is wow." O'Brien: I try not to pay much attention. Since I ignored the critics who said I should shoot myself in the head with a German Luger, it would be cheating to tear out nice reviews now and rub them all over my body, giggling. Though I have thought about it.
Playboy: Tell us about your trademark gag. You interview a photo of Bill Clinton or some other celeb, and a pair of superimposed lips provide outrageous answers. O'Brien: We call it the Clutch Cargo bit, after that terrible old cartoon series. They saved money on animation by superimposing real lips on the cartoons. I wanted to do topical jokes in a cartoony way -- not just Conan doing quips at a desk. TV is visual; I want things to look funny. But we're not Saturday Night Live; we couldn't spend $100,000 on it. Hence, the cheap, cheesy lips, You'd be surprised how many people we fool.
Playboy: Viewers believe that's really the president yelling, "Yee-haw! Who's got a joint?" O'Brien: It's strange. You may know intellectually that Clinton doesn't talk like Foghorn Leghorn. Ninety-eight percent of your brain knows the president wouldn't say, "Whoa Conan get a load of that girl!" But there are a few brain cells that aren't sure. When Bob Dole was running for president we had him doing a past-life regression: "My cave, get away." And then back further, "Must form flippers to crawl on to rocky soil," he says. There may be people out there who believe that Bob Dole was the first amphibian.
Playboy: Do you ever go too far? O'Brien: The fun is in going too far. It's a nice device because you get Bill Clinton to do the nastiest Bill Clinton jokes. We'll have Clinton making fart noises while I say "Sir! Please!"
Playboy: Are you enjoying your job now, with your new success? O'Brien: Well, there are surprises. I hate surprises. Like most comics, I'm a control freak. But I am learning that the show works best when things are out of control. Tonight I ask Elton John if he likes being neighbors with Joan Collins. He says he isn't neighbors with Joan Collins. He lives next door to Tina Turner. So I panic -- huge mistake! But Elton saves the day. "Joan Collins, Tina Turner, it doesn't matter. Either way I could borrow a wig," he says. Huge laugh, all because I fucked up. Later he surprised me by blurting out that he's hung like a horse. The camera cuts to me shaking my head: That crazy Elton. What can I do? Of course, I'm delighted that he went too far.
Playboy: That "What can I do?" look resembles a classic take of Jack Benny's. O'Brien: There's an old saying in literature: "Good poets borrow; great poets steal." I think T.S. Eliot stole it from Ezra Pound. Comics steal, too. Constantly. When I watched Johnny Carson, I noticed that he got a few takes from Benny and Bob Hope. When a comedy writer told me how much Woody Allen had borrowed from Hope, I thought, What? They're nothing alike. Then I went back and watched Son of Paleface, and there's Hope, the nervous city guy backing up on his heels, wringing his hands and saying, "Sorry, I'll just be moving along." Now look at early Woody Allen. You see big authority figures and Woody nervously saying, "Look, I'll just be on my way." Of course Woody made it his own, but he must have watched and loved Bob Hope.
Playboy: Who are your role models? O'Brien: Carson. Woody Allen. SCTV. Peter Sellers. When Peter Sellers died I felt such a loss, thinking, There won't be anymore of that. There's some Steve Martin in my false bravado with female guests: "Why, hel-lo there!" And I won't deny having some Letterman in my bones.
Playboy: You were surprise as Letterman's successor. At first you seemed like the wrong choice. O'Brien: I didn't get ratings. That doesn't mean I didn't get laughs. Yes, I had a giant pompadour and I looked like a rockabilly freak. I was too excited, pushed too hard, and people said, "That guy isn't a polished performer." Fine! But it isn't my goal to be Joe Handsomehead cool, smooth talk show host. Late Night with Conan O'Brien is supposed to be a work in progress, and now that we've had some success there's a danger of our getting too polished and morphing into something smoothly professional. Which would suck.
Do you know why I wanted this show? Because Late Night with David Letterman played with the rules and it looked like fun. Here was a place where people did risky comedy every night for millions of people. We had to keep this thing alive. There should be a place on a big network where people are still messing around.
Playboy: How bad were your early days on the show? O'Brien: Bad. Dave left here under a cloud: his fans and the media were angry with NBC. Then NBC picks a guy with crazy hair and a weird name. And the world says, "Harvard? Those guys are assholes." I sincerely hope that the winter of December 1993, our first winter, was the worst time I will ever have. I'd go out to do the warm up and the back two rows of seats would be empty. That's hard to look at. I would tell a joke and then hear someone whisper, "Who's he? Where's Dave?"
Playboy: You had trouble getting guests. O'Brien: Bob Denver canceled on us. We shot a test show with Al Lewis of The Munsters. We did the clutch cargo thing with a photo of Herman Munster. Unfortunately, Fred Gwynne, who played Herman, had recently died, and Al Lewis kept pointing at the screen, saying, "You're dead! I was at your funeral!"
Playboy: For months you got worried notes from network executives. What did they say? O'Brien: They were worried. The fact that Lorne Michaels was involved bought me some time. But Lorne had turned to me at the start and said, "OK, Conan. What do you want to do?" Now television critics were after me and the network was starting to realize what a risk I was. Suggestions came fast and furious. I kept the note that said, "Why don't you just die?"
Playboy: Did they suggest ways to be funnier? O'Brien: They were more specific and tactical. The network gets very specific data. Say there was a drop in ratings between 12:44 and 12:48 when I was talking to Jon Bon Jovi. I'll be told, "Don't ever talk to him again" Or they'll want me to tease viewers into staying with us: "You should tease that -- say, 'We'll have nudity coming up next!'"
Playboy: You did come close to being cancelled. O'Brien: We were cancelled.
Playboy: Really? You have never admitted that. O'Brien: This is the first time I've talked about it. When I had been on for about a year, there was a meeting at the network. They decided to cancel my show. They said, "It's cancelled." Next day they realized they had nothing to put in the 12:30 slot, so we got a reprieve.
Playboy: Were you worried sick? O'Brien: I went into denial. I tried hard not to think, Yes, I'm bad on the air and my show has none of the things a TV show needs to survive. We had no ratings. No critics in our corner. Advertisers didn't like us. Affiliates wanted to drop us. Sometimes I'd meet a programming director from a local station where we had no rating at all. The guy would show me a printout with no number for Late Night's rating, just a hash mark or pound sign. I didn't dare think about that when I went out to do the show.
Playboy: Are you defending denial? O'Brien: How else does anyone get through a terrible experience? The odds were against me. Rationally, I didn't have much chance. Denial was my only friend. When I look back on the first year, it's like a scene from an old war movie: Ordinary guy gets thrown into combat, somehow beats impossible odds, staggers to safety. His buddy say, "You could have been killed!" The guy stops and thinks. "Could have been killed?" he says. His eyes cross and he faints.
Playboy: How did you dodge the bullet? O'Brien: There were people at NBC who stood up for me. I will always be indebted to Don Ohlmeyer, who stuck to his guns. Don said, "We chose this guy. We should stick with him unless we get a better plan." He was brutally honest. He came to me and said, "Give me about a 15 percent bump in the ratings and you'll stay on the air. If not, we're going to move on."
Playboy: Ohlmeyer started his career in the sports division. O'Brien: Exactly, his take was, "You're on our team." Of course, it wasn't exactly rational of Don to hope I'd be 15 percent funnier. It was like telling a farmer, "It better rain this week or we'll take your farm away."
Playboy: What did you say to Ohlmeyer? O'Brien: There wasn't time. I had to go out and do a monologue. But I will always be indebted to Don because he told me the truth. Wait a minute -- you have tricked me into talking lovingly about an NBC executive. Let me say that there were others who were beneath contempt -- executives who wouldn't know a good show if it swam up their asses and lit a campfire.
Playboy: Finally the ratings went your way. Hard work rewarded? O'Brien: Well, I also paid off the Nielsen people. That was $140,000 well spent.
Playboy: Ohlmeyer plus bribery saved you? O'Brien: There was something else. Just when everyone was kicking the crap out of the show, Letterman defended me.
Playboy: Letterman had signed off on NBC saying, "I don't really know Conan O'Brien, but I heard he killed someone." O'Brien: Then I pick up the paper and he's saying he thinks I am going to make it. "They do some interesting, innovative stuff over there," he says. "I think Conan will prevail." And then he came on as a guest. Remember, this was when we were at our nadir. There was no Machiavellian reason for David Letterman, who at the time was the biggest thing in show business, to be on my show.
Playboy: Why did he do it? O'Brien: I'm still not sure. Maybe out of a sense of honor. Fair play. And it woke me up. It made me think. Hey, we have a real fucking television show here.
Of six or seven pivotal points in my short history here, that was the first and maybe the biggest. I wouldn't be sitting here -- I probably wouldn't even exist today -- if he hadn't done our show.
Playboy: The Late Night wars were hardly noted for friendly gestures. O'Brien: How little you understand. Jay, Dave and I pal around all the time. We often ride a bicycle built for three up to the country. "Nice job with Fran Drescher!" "Thanks, pal. You weren't so bad with John Tesh." We sleep in triple-decker bunk beds and snore in unison like the Three Stooges.
Playboy: You talk more about Letterman than your NBC teammate Leno. O'Brien: I hate the "Leno or Letterman, who's better?" question. I can tell you that Jay has been great to me. He calls me occasionally.
Playboy: To say what? O'Brien: (Doing Leno's voice) "Hey, liked that bit you did last night." Or he'll say he saw we got a good rating. I call him at work, too. It can be a strange conversation because we're so different. Jay, for instance, really loves cars. He's got antique cars with kerosene lanterns, cars that run on peat moss. He'll be telling me about some classic car he has, made entirely of brass and leather, and I'll say, "Yeah, man, I got the Taurus with the vinyl." One thing we have in common is bad guests. There are certain actors, celebrities with nothing to say, who move through the talk show world wreaking havoc. They lay waste to Dave's town and Jay's town, then head my way.
Playboy: You must be getting some good guests. Your ratings have shown a marked improvement. O'Brien: Remember, when you're on at 12:30 the Nielsens are based on 80 people. My ratings drop if one person has a head cold and goes to bed early.
Playboy: Actually, you're seen by about 3 million people a night. Your ratings would be even higher if college dorms weren't excluded from the Nielsens. How many points does that cost you? O'Brien: I told you I'm an idiot. Now I have to do math too?
Playboy: Do you still get suggestions from NBC executives? O'Brien: Not as many. The number of notes you get is inversely proportional to your ratings.
Playboy: What keeps you motivated? O'Brien: Superstition. We have a stagehand, Bobby Bowman, who holds up the curtain when I run out for the monologue. He is the last person I see before the show starts, and I have to make him laugh before I go out. It started with mild jabs: "Bobby, you're drunk again." Bobby laughs, "Heehee."" Then it was, "Still having trouble with the wife, Bobby?" But after hundreds of shows, you find yourself running out of lines. It's gotten to where I do crass things at the last second. I'll put his hand on my ass and yell, "You fucking pervert!" Or drop to my knees and say, "Come on, Bobby, I'll give you a blow job!"
"Ha-ha. Conan, you're crazy," he says. But even that stuff wears off. Soon, I'll be making the writers work late to give me new jokes for Bobby.
Playboy: Did you plan to be a talk show host or did you fall into the job? O'Brien: I was an Irish Catholic kid from St. Ignatius parish in Brookline, outside of Boston. And that meant: Don't call attention to yourself. Don't ask for too much when the pie comes around. Don't get a girl pregnant and fuck up your life.
Playboy: Were you an alter boy? O'Brien: I wanted to be an alter boy, but the priest at St. Ignatius said, "No, no. You're good on your feet, kid," and made me a lector. A scripture reader at Mass. He was the one who spotted my talent.
Playboy: What did you think of sex in those days? O'Brien: I was sexually repressed. At 16 I still thought human reproduction was by mitosis.
Playboy: How did you get over your sexual repression? O'Brien: Who says I got over it? My leg has been jiggling this whole time.
Playboy: What were you like in high school? O'Brien: Like a crane galumphing down the hall. A crane with weird hair, bad skin and Clearasil. Big enough for basketball but lousy at it. My older brothers were better. I would compensate by running around the court doing comedy, saying, "Look out, this player has a drug addiction. He's incredibly egotistical."
I was an asshole at home, too. My little brother Justin loved playing cops and robbers, but I kept tying him up with bureaucratic bullshit. When he'd catch me, I'd say, "I get to call my lawyer." Then it was, "OK, Justin, we're at trial and you've been charged with illegal arrest. Fill out these forms in triplicate." Justin was eight; he hated all the lawsuits and countersuits. He just cried.
Playboy: Were you a class clown? O'Brien: Never. I was never someone who walked into a room full of strangers and started telling jokes. You had to get to know me before I could make you laugh. The same thing happened with Late Night. I needed to get the right rhythm with Andy and Max and the audience.
Playboy: So how did you finally learn about sex? O'Brien: My parents gave me a book, but it was useless. At the crucial moment, all it showed was a man and a woman with the bed covers pulled up to their chins. I tried to find out more from friends, but it didn't help. One childhood friend told me it was like parking a car in a garage. I kept worrying about poisonous fumes. What if the fumes build up? Should you shut off the engine?
Playboy: For all your talk about being repressed, you can be rowdy on the air. O'Brien: The show is my escape valve. When I tear off my shirt and gyrate my pelvis like Robert Plant, feigning orgasm into the microphone, that shows how repressed I am -- a guy who wants to push his sex at the lens but can only do it as a joke.
Playboy: Aren't you tempted to live it up? O'Brien: I always imagined that if I were a TV star I would live the way I pictured Johnny Carson living. Carousing, stepping out of a limo wearing a velvet ascot with a model on my arm. Now that I have the TV show, I drive up to Connecticut on the weekends and tool around in my car. I could probably join a free-sex cult, smoke crack between orgies and drive sports cars into swimming pools, and my Catholic guilt would still be there, throbbing like a toothache. Be careful. If something good happens, something bad is on the way.
Playboy: Yet you don't mind licking the supermodels. O'Brien: At one point a few of them lived in my building, women who are so beautiful they almost look weird, like aliens. To me, a woman who has a certain approachable amount of beauty becomes almost funny. It's the same with male supermodels. They look like big puppets. So while I admire their beauty I probably won't be "romantically linked" with a model. I'd catch my reflection in a ballroom mirror and break up laughing.
Playboy: The horny Roy Orbison growl you use on gorgeous guests sounds real enough -- O'Brien: Oh, I've been doing that shit since high school. It just never worked before.
Playboy: Your father is a doctor, your mother an attorney. What do they think of their son the comedian? O'Brien: My dad was the one who told me denial was a virtue. "Denial is how people get through horrible things," he said. He also cut out a newspaper article in which I said I was making money off something for which I should probably be treated. So true, he thought. But when I got an Emmy for helping write Saturday Night Live, my parents put it on the mantel next to the crucifix. Here's Jesus looking over, saying, "Wow, I saved mankind from sin, but I wish I had an Emmy."
Playboy: Ever been in therapy? O'Brien: Yes. I don't trust it. I have told therapists that I don't particularly want to feel good. "Repression and fear, that's my fuel." But the therapists said that I had nothing to worry about. "Don't worry Conan you will always be plenty fucked up."
Playboy: When a female guest comes out, how do you know whether to shake her hand or kiss her? Is that rehearsed O'Brien: No, and it's awkward. If you go to shake her hand and her head starts coming right at you, you have to change strategy fast. I have thought about using the show to make women kiss me, but that would probably creep out the people at home. I decided not to kiss Elton John.
Playboy: Do you get all fired up if Cindy Crawford or Rebecca Romijn does the show? O'Brien: I like making women laugh. Always have, ever since I discovered you can get girls' attention by acting like an ass. That's one of the joys of the show -- I'm working my eyebrows and going grrr and she's laughing, the audience is laughing. It's all a big put-on and I'm thinking. This is great. Here is a beautiful woman who has no choice but to put up with this shit.
But it's not always put on. Sometimes they flirt back. Sometimes there's a bit of chemistry. That happened with Jennifer Connelly of The Rocketeer.
Playboy: One guest, Jill Hennessy, took off her pants for you. Then you removed yours. Even Penn and Teller took off their pants. O'Brien: Something comes over me. It happened with Rebecca Romijn -- I was practically climbing her. Those are the times when Andy and the audience seem to disappear and it's just me and this lovely woman sitting there flirting. I keep expecting a waiter to say, "More wine, Monsieur?"
Playboy: Would you lick the wine bottle? O'Brien: It's true, there's a lot of licking on the show. I have licked guests. I have licked Andy. Comedy professionals will read this and say, "Great work, Conan. Impressive." But I have learned that if you lick a guest, people laugh. If I pick this shoe off the floor, examine it, Hmmm, and then lick it, people laugh. I learned this lesson on The Simpsons, where I was the writer who was forever trying to entertain the other writers. I still try desperately to make our writers laugh, which is probably a sign of sickness since they work for me now. Licking is one of those things that look funny.
Playboy: Johnny Carson never licked Ed McMahon. O'Brien: We are much more physical and more stupid than the old Tonight Show. Even in our offices before the show there's always some writer acting out a scene crashing his head through my door. A behind-the-scenes look at our show might frighten people.
Playboy: One night you showed a doctored photo of Craig T. Nelson having sex with Jerry Van Dyke. Did they complain about it? O'Brien: I haven't heard from them. Of course I'm blessed not to be a part of the celebrity pond. I have a television show in New York, an NBC outpost. I don't run with or even run into many Hollywood people.
Playboy: You also announced that Tori Spelling has a penis. O'Brien: I did not. Polly the Peacock said that.
Playboy: Another character you use to say the outrageous stuff. O'Brien: Polly is not popular with the network.
Playboy: You mock Fabio, too. O'Brien: If he sues me, it'll be the best thing that ever happened. A publicity bonanza: Courtroom sketches of Fabio with his man-boobs quivering, shaking his fist, and me shouting at him across the courtroom. I'm not afraid of Fabio. He knows where to find me. I'm saying it right here for the record: Fabio, let's get it on.
Playboy: Ever have a run-in with an angry celeb? O'Brien: I did a Kelsey Grammar joke a few years ago, something about his interesting lifestyle, then heard through the network that he was upset. He had appeared on my show and expected some support. At this point my intellect says, "Kelsey Grammar is a public figure. I was in the right." Then I saw him in an airport. Kelsey didn't see me at first: I could have kept walking. But there he was, eating a cruller in the airport lounge. I thought I should go over. I said hello and then said, "Kelsey, I'm sorry if I upset you." And he was glad. He looked relieved. He said, "Oh, that's OK." We both felt better.
....See my other post with the last third of the interview

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Jungle Book (1967) (MA/HD) $6 (GP/HD) $4
Jungle Book (2016) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $5 (GP/HD) $2.75
Jungle Cruise (2021) (MA/4K) $5.50 (MA/HD) $3.75 (GP/HD) $3
Jurassic Park (1993) (MA/4K) $4.75 (iTunes/4K) $3.50 (MA/HD) $2.75
Jurassic Park III (2001) (MA/HD) (iTunes/4K) $3.75
Jurassic Park: The Lost World (1997) (MA/4K) $6.50 (iTunes/4K) $3.50 (MA/HD) $2.75
Jurassic World (2015) (MA/4K) $4.50 (iTunes/4K) $3.50 (MA/HD) $2.50
Jurassic World Collection 1-5 (iTunes/4K) $17.50 (MA/HD) $8.50
Jurassic World Collection 1-6 (MA/HD) $11
Jurassic World: Dominion + Extended Cut (2022) (MA/HD) $3.75
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018) (MA/4K) $4.75 (MA/HD) $1.75
Katy Perry: Part of Me (2012) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.50
Kicks (2016) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $4.50
Kid, The (2019) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4.75
Kidnap (2017) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Killer Elite (2011) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3.25
Killerman (2019) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.75
King's Man (2021) (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $3.50
Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $4.25
Krampus (2015) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $4.75
Labor Day (2013) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50
Lady and the Tramp II: Scamp’s Adventure (2001) (MA/HD) $7 (GP/HD) $5.50
Last Duel, The (2021) (MA/HD) $5.25 (GP/HD) $4
Last Vegas (2013) (MA/HD) $3
Last Witch Hunter (2015) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $1.50
Last Word (2017) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $4.75
Leap! (2017) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.25
Lee Daniels' The Butler (2013) (Vudu/HD) $2.25
Legend of Hercules (2014) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3
Les Miserables (2012) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Let's Be Cops (2014) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.50
Life (2017) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $2.50
Like A Boss (2020) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/4K) $3.50
Lion (2016) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Lion King (1994) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $2.75
Little (2019) (MA/HD) $4.50
Little Mermaid (1989) (MA/4K) $7 (iTunes/4K) $5 (GP/HD) $3.25
Little Women (2019) (MA/HD) $5.50
Logan (2017) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.50
Lone Ranger (2013) (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $2.50
Lone Survivor (2013) (MA/4K) $6.25 (iTunes/4K) $2 (MA/HD) $1.50
Longest Ride (2015) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $1.25
Looper (2012) (MA/HD) $2.75
Lords of Salem, The (2012) (Vudu/HD) $4.75
Lucy (2014) (MA/HD) $2
Mama (2013) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3.25
Martian (Theatrical) (2015) (MA/4K) $7 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $3
Mary Poppins (1964) (MA/HD) $4.25 (GP/HD) $2.75
Maze Runner: The Death Cure (2018) (MA/HD) $5.50
Mechanic: Resurrection (2016) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3
Megan Leavey (2017) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $1.75
Men in Black Collection 1-3 (MA/HD) $14.50
Men Who Stare at Goats (2009) (Vudu/HD) $4.75
Mickey's Christmas Carol (1983) (MA/HD) $6 (GP/HD) $4.50
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates (2016) (MA/HD) (iTunes/4K) $3.75
Million Dollar Arm (2014) (MA/HD) $4 (GP/HD) $3
Minions (2015) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.50
Miracles From Heaven (2016) (MA/HD) $4
Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/4K) $7
Moneyball (2011) (MA/HD) $2.50
Monuments Men (2014) (MA/HD) $2
Mortal Engines (2018) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $3.50
Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2014) (MA/HD) $3.25
Mother! (2017) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
Motherless Brooklyn (2019) (MA/HD) $3.50
Mother's Day (2016) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.75
Mud (2013) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3
Mulan (1998) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $5 (GP/HD) $3
Mummy (1999), Returns (2001), Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008), Scorpion King (2002), Mummy (2017) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $22
Mummy, The (2017) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.75
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 (2016) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3.75
My Dinner with Herve (2018) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.25 (GP/HD) $2.75
Never Grow Old (2019) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50
News of the World (2020) (MA/HD) $3.50
Night at the Museum 3-Movie (MA/HD) $11.50
Night House, The (2021) (MA/HD) $5 (GP/HD) $3
Night School (Extended Cut) (2018) (MA/HD) $4.25
Nightmare Alley (2021) (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $3.50
Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) (MA/HD) $6 (GP/HD) $3.50
No Time to Die (2021) (iTunes/4K) $3.50
Noah (2014) (Vudu/HD) $1.75 (iTunes/HD) $1.50
Nobody (2021) (MA/HD) $5
Norm of the North (2016) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Notting Hill (1999) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.75
Now You See Me 1-2 (Vudu/HD) $4 (iTunes/HD) $6.50
Oblivion (2013) (MA/4K) $7 (iTunes/4K) $3.50 (MA/HD) $2
Office Christmas Party (2016) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2.25
Olaf's Frozen Adventure Plus 6 Disney Tales (2017) (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $3
Old (2021) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $4.25
Oliver! (1968) (MA/4K) $6.50
Olympus Has Fallen (2013) (MA/HD) $5
Once Upon A Time... In Hollywood (2019) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $4.25
Oranges, The (2011) (MA/HD) $4.50
Other Guys, The (2010) (MA/4K) $6.50
Other Woman (2014) $4.25
Ouija (2014) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.50
Oz the Great and Powerful (2013) (MA/HD) $2 (GP/HD) $1
Pacific Rim Uprising (2018) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $4.25
Paper Towns (2011) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $4.25
ParaNorman (2012) (iTunes/HD) $5
Parasite (2019) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $4.50
Patriot Games (1992) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5
Patriots Day (2017) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2.50
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015) (MA/HD) $3.75
Peanuts Movie (2015) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.50
Penguins of Madagascar (2014) (MA/HD) $2.75
Peppermint (2018) (iTunes/HD) $2
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (2013) (MA/HD) $2.25
Perfect Guy (2015) (MA/HD) $3.50
Pet Sematary (2019) (Vudu/4K) $4 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2.50
Pete’s Dragon (2016) (MA/HD) $6 (GP/HD) $4.25
Peter Pan (1953) (MA/HD) $6 (GP/HD) $4.50
Peter Pan: Return to Neverland (2002) (MA/HD) $6 (GP/HD) $4.50
Peter Rabbit 2 (2021) (MA/HD) $4
Phantom Thread (2017) (MA/HD) $3.75
Philadelphia (1993) (MA/4K) $6.50
Pinocchio (1940) (MA/HD) $5.50 (GP/HD) $3.75
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales (2017) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $2.75 (GP/HD) $1.50
Pitch Perfect (2012) (MA/HD) $2.50 (iTunes/4K) $3.50
Pitch Perfect 2 (2015) (MA/HD) $2.50 (iTunes/4K) $3.50
Pitch Perfect Collection 1-3 (MA/HD) $11.50
Planet of the Apes 1-3 (Newer) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $9
Playing with Fire (2019) (iTunes/4K) $1.50 (Vudu/HD) $2
Pompeii (2014) (MA/HD) $3.25
Poms (2019) (iTunes/HD) $2.50
Power Rangers (2017) (iTunes/4K) $3 (Vudu/HD) $2.50
Predator (2018) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $3.50
Premium Rush (2012) (MA/HD) $3.25
Pretty in Pink (1986) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Priceless (2016) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $4.50
Prince of Egypt (2002) (MA/HD) $6
Proud Mary (2018) (MA/HD) $4
Psycho (1960) (MA/HD) $4.50
Purge, The (2013) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.75
Puss in Boots (2011) (MA/4K) $6.50
Queen of Katwe (2016) (MA/HD) $3 (GP/HD) $2.25
R.I.P.D. (2013) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3
Rambo Collection 1-5 (Vudu/HD) $12.50
Rampage (2018) (MA/4K) $6.50
Rebel Without a Cause (1955) (MA/4K) $7
Red Dawn (2012) (Vudu/HD) $5.25 (iTunes/SD) $2
Red Sparrow (2018) (MA/HD) $3.75
Rescuers Down Under (1990) (MA/HD) $5.75 (GP/HD) $4
Rescuers, The (1977) (MA/HD) $5.75 (GP/HD) $4
Reservoir Dogs (1992) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5
Resident Evil: Retribution (2012) (MA/HD) $2.25
Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021) (MA/HD) $4.25
Revenant, The (2015) (MA/4K) $5 (iTunes/4K) $3.75
Rhythm Section (2020) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4
Ricki And The Flash (2015) (MA/HD) $4.50
Riddick Collection 1-3 (Unrated) (MA/HD) $13.50
Ride Along 1-2 (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5 $2.75 Each
Rings (2017) (Vudu/HD) $2.75 (iTunes/HD) $1.50
Rio 2 (2014) (MA/HD) $2
Rise of the Guardians (2012) (MA/HD) $3
Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2010) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $5.75
Risen (2016) (MA/HD) $4.50
Robin Hood (Animated) (1973) (MA/HD) $3.75 (GP/HD) $2.75
Rock Dog (2016) (Vudu/HD) $4
Roman J. Israel, Esq. (2017) (MA/HD) $3.50
Room (2015) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Rough Night (2017) (MA/HD) $4
Rudy (Director's Cut) (1993) (MA/4K) $6.50
Runner Runner (2013) (MA/HD) $3.25
Russell Madness (2015) (MA/HD) $3.75
Safe (2012) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $1.75
Safe House (2012) (MA/HD) $3.50 (iTunes/HD) $2.50
Same Kind of Different as Me (2017) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2
Samson (2018) (MA/HD) $3.75
Sausage Party (2016) (MA/HD) $4.75
Savages (2012) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $2.25
Saving Mr. Banks (2013) (MA/HD) $4.25 (GP/HD) $2.50
Scary Movie Collection 1-3 (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $13.50
Schindler's List (1993) (MA/HD) $4.50
Scoob (2020) (MA/4K) $3
Scream Collection 1-3 (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $13.50
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (2012) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $4.50
Selma (2015) (Vudu/HD) $2.75 (iTunes/HD) $2.25
Semper Fi (2019) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.25
Serenity (2005) (MA/HD) $3.50
Sex Tape (2014) (MA/HD) $2.75
Shack (2017) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $1.50
Shape of Water (2017) (MA/HD) $3.25
Shaun the Sheep Movie (2015) (Vudu/HD) $3.75
Sherlock Gnomes (2018) (iTunes/4K) $2.25
Shrek (2001), Madagascar (2005), Home (2015), Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (2003), How to Train Your Dragon (2010), Croods (2013), Kung Fu Panda (2008), Boss Baby (2017), Abominable (2019), Trolls (2016) (MA/HD) $16
Sicario: Day of the Soldado (2018) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $3.75
Silent Night, Deadly Night: 3-Film Collection (1989-1991) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (2014) (Vudu/HD) $6
Sing (2016) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.50
Sinister (2012) (Vudu/HD) $3 (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Sixteen Candles (1984) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $4.25
Skyscraper (2018) (MA/4K) $5 (MA/HD) $1.75
Sleepy Hollow (1999) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.75
Smokey and the Bandit (1977) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $4.50
Smurfs 2 (2013) (MA/HD) $3
Smurfs: The Lost Village (2017) (MA/HD) $3
Snow White and the Huntsman (Extended) (2012) (iTunes/4K) $3.25 (MA/HD) $2.25
Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs (1937) (MA/HD) $6 (GP/HD) $3.75
Snowden (2016) (MA/HD) $3.50 (iTunes/HD) $4
Snowman (2017) (MA/HD) $2.75
Son of God (2014) (MA/HD) $1.50
Sonic the Hedgehog (2020) (Vudu/4K) $6.25 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4
Soul (2020) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $3.75 (GP/HD) $2.25
Space Between Us, The (2017) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50
Spider-Man Collection 1-8 (MA/HD) $26
Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $3.50
Spirit Untamed: The Movie (2021) (MA/HD) $5.25
Stand Up Guys (2012) (Vudu/HD) $2.75
Star Trek Beyond (2016) (Vudu/HD) $1.75 (iTunes/4K) $3.25
Star Trek Collection 1-3 (Vudu/HD) $9.50 (iTunes/4K) $13.50
Star Trek Into Darkness (2013) (Vudu/HD) $1.75 (iTunes/4K) $3.25
Still Alice (2015) (MA/HD) $3.25
Stillwater (2021) (MA/HD) $4.75
Stoker (2013) (MA/HD) $4.50
Straight Outta Compton (Unrated Director’s Cut) (2015) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.50
Stronger (2017) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50
Stuber (2019) (MA/HD) $5.25
Suburbicon (2017) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
Suffragette (2015) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3
Super Troopers (2002) (MA/HD) $5.50
SW: A New Hope (1977) (MA/4K) $7 (GP/HD) $3.50
SW: Empire Strikes Back (1980) (MA/4K) $7 (GP/HD) $3.50
SW: Rise of Skywalker (2019) (MA/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) $4.75 (GP/HD) $2.25
SW: Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018) (iTunes/4K) $5 (GP/HD) $3.50
Sword in the Stone (1963) (MA/HD) $5.75 (GP/HD) $3.25
T2 Trainspotting (2017) (MA/HD) $7
Tangled (2010) (MA/HD) $4.75 (GP/HD) $3.50
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3
Terminator: Genisys (2015) (Vudu/4K) $7 (Vudu/HD) $1.75 (iTunes/4K) $3
Think Like a Man (2012) & Too (2014) (MA/HD) $8.50
Thor (2011) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $7 (GP/HD) $3.50
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (2017) (MA/HD) $3.50
Tinker Bell and the Legend of the NeverBeast (2014) (MA/HD) $5.50 (GP/HD) $3.75
TMNT Out of the Shadows (2016) (iTunes/4K) $4
To Kill a Mockingbird (1962) (MA/4K) $5.75 (iTunes/4K) $4.50
Tomorrowland (2015) (MA/HD) $5.50 (GP/HD) $3.50
Top Five (2014) (iTunes/HD) $3.50
Top Gun (1986) (Vudu/4K) $4.50 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.50
Total Recall (1990) (Vudu/4K) $5 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.75
Total Recall + Extended (2012) (MA/HD) $4.75
Toy Story 1-4 (MA/4K) $23 (iTunes/4K) $21 (GP/HD) $11.50
Trading Places (1983) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Trainwreck (2015) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $1.50
Transformers 1-5 (Vudu/4K) $25 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $23
Transformers: Last Knight (2017) (Vudu/4K) $4.25 (iTunes/4K) $2 (Vudu/HD) $1.75
Trauma Center (2019) (iTunes/4K) $3.25
Trolls (2016) (MA/HD) $1.25
Trolls Collection 1-2 (MA/HD) $5.75
Tully (2018) (MA/HD) $5
Turbo (2013) (MA/HD) $2.50 (iTunes/SD) $1
Turning, The (2020) (MA/HD) $5.25
Uncle Drew (2018) (Vudu/4K) $6 (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3
Uncut Gems (2019) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Under the Skin (2014) (Vudu/HD) $4.75
Underworld: Blood Wars (2016) (MA/HD) $2.25
Unhinged (2020) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Up in Smoke ‘Cheech and Chong’ (1978) (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Us (2019) (MA/HD) $4.75
Usual Suspects, The (1995) (Vudu/HD) $6
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017) (Vudu/HD) $3.75
Venom (2005) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4
Vertigo (1958) (MA/HD) $4.75
Vice (2015) 'Bruce Willis' (Vudu/HD) $2.50
Visit (2015) (MA/HD) $4.50
Vivo (2021) (MA/HD) $4
Vow, The (2012) (MA/HD) $3.25
Walk, The (2015) (MA/HD) $4.25
Walking with Dinosaurs (2013) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.50
Warcraft (2016) (MA/4K) $4.50 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.25
Watch, The (2012) (MA/HD) $4
What Men Want (2019) (Vudu/HD) $1.75 (iTunes/4K) $1.25
When the Bough Breaks (2016) (MA/HD) $4.50
White House Down (2013) (MA/HD) $3.25
Why Him? (2016) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2
Widows (2018) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $2
Wild Card (2015) (Vudu/HD) $3.50
Witch, The (2016) (Vudu/HD) $3.50
Wolverine (Unrated) (2013) (MA/HD) $3.25
Woman in Gold (2015) (Vudu/HD) $2.75
Wonder (2017) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2.75
Wonder Park (2019) (Vudu/HD) $3.50 (iTunes/4K) $2.25
Wonder Woman: Bloodlines (2019) (MA/HD) $2.75
Won't Back Down (2012) (MA/HD) $4
Woodlawn (2015) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.50
World War Z (2013) (Vudu/HD) $3.25 (iTunes/4K) $4.50
Wraith, The (1986) (Vudu/HD) $5
X (2022) (Vudu/HD) $6.50
X-Men (2000), X2 (2003), X-Men: The Last Stand (2006) (MA/HD) $12
X-Men: Dark Phoenix (2019) (MA/HD) $6
X-Men: First Class (2010), Days of Future Past (2004), Apocalypse (2014) (MA/HD) $10.50
xXx: The Return of Xander Cage (2017) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $1.25
Yesterday (2019) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $4.75
Zero Dark Thirty (2012) (MA/HD) $2.75
Zookeeper's Wife, The (2017) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3.75
Zootopia (2016) (MA/4K) $7.25 (iTunes/4K) $5 (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $3.25

I found myself telling a friend “she arrives tomorrow” in reference to my Mulberry mini Alexa that comes tomorrow. Then I found myself in a rabbit hole, if bags are like ships and they are always “she” then shouldn’t we name them? Anyway, do yall name your bags?!

F20 I’m writing this for anybody who may b experiencing anything remotely similar to what I did because these last few months have been extremely fucking rough for me, and if I can help one person feel less alone it’s worth it.
I started fearing I had herpes Dec 2023. I was raped by a now ex boyfriend and he’s the only “sexual partner” whose status I was unaware of.
This scared me because he didn’t use a condom and I’m very diligent when it comes to my health, regular condom use, and I’ve always made my exes show me their results as it’s very typical that men will never get tested unless they experience SEVERE symptoms.
I never planned to have intercourse with him at that time, so this just threw me for a loop as everything was very unplanned. No knowledge of his status, no condom, no consent.
I experienced immediate issues during the act, I’ve never had lubrication issues EVER, quite the opposite (tmi ik but I want to give perspective of the immediate sexual changes that followed) but this time I was DRY like sandpaper rubbing inside me ugh I was so uncomfortable, and I’m really sorry and I want to hug anyone who knows exactly what I’m talking about. I had never experienced pain like that from intercourse before this, he refused to stop till I was actually screaming and writhing in pain and clawing at him.
I planned to never talk to him again, but not knowing his status was rlly eating at me, I asked him if he had ever got tested before and he told me no.
INSTANT PANIC
My vagina did not feel the same from that point onward. I was sore and swollen for a few days after, I later went to a clinic to get an STI full panel test (ik that’s too soon, but understand I was in a haze of confusion I was trying to do damage control) The results for that initial test came back completely negative.
I had a crawling sensation on my mons pubis and labia area as if something was moving through the hairs, I also felt like the hairs were moving themselves. I started being itchy all the fucking time, it was all I could think about, I didn’t get a break from it, my lower region was so uncomfortable and all these sensations were so foreign to me. I also would get very dry, like uncomfortable as fuck, this was also new, I couldn’t stand my panties rubbing against me, or even the skin touching itself or AIR. I would literally have to put a wad of wet toilet paper for a tiny bit of relief but nothing could relieve me mentally. I also would slather Vaseline all over my lower region for the tiniest bit of relief. At this point I was waiting for the 6 week mark so I couldn’t get retested literally counting down the days. One night I went out for drinks w my friends ( I don’t drink normally) and my vagina was on FIRE like itching burning all of it, not the lil scratchy dry I was feeling before. I was starting considering maybe I had a yeast infection, I had only ever had one before this (not diagnosed by a doctor) and I treated it w canesten so I ran to Walmart to get a tube and didn’t even wait till I got home, I used their washroom and slathered it all over me. I remembered the first time I had done this for my previous presumed yeast infection I felt some sort of immediate relief, but this time I did not. On my way home I was antsy and squirming in my seat, nothing was comfortable, sitting, standing, lying down.
I tried using the canesten for a couple days following but it just seemed useless, crawling sensation was still there and now I was feeling this popping sensation. Like the skin of my labia were sticking together cause of moisture then spreading apart and creating kind of like a pop, that’s the best way I can describe it idk. I hated leaving the house because I felt like I constantly had my hands down my pants to scratch or literally cupping my vagina, adding pressure, applying Vaseline, whatever I thought could bring relief. I started to notice bumps. This is when my STI research rabbit hole really took off. Initially they started on my pubic area, I assumed they were pimples or even boils but I have had pimples in my pubic area before and they either had a yellow top or a white head, these were shiny hard bumps that definitely looked like blisters. They would come and go…in the same spots. Some of them I would squeeze out of frustration and thick blood OR white or clear fluid would run out. Of course there were concerns coupled with the sensations but initially I wasn’t assuming these bumps were coming from any STIs (specifically herpes) because they were on my mons pubis and my research told me me that herpes likes to live in most areas although it was possible. I wanted to book with my family doctor, but honestly I was so scared because I was ashamed plus my doctor is a male and the icing on the cake was the receptionist are fucking rude pricks, one of them I knew their daughter (I hate that bitch) and I wasn’t willing to willingly open a potentially awkward ass situation like that.
Now I had sores to add to my symptoms, like raw skin on my labia, the hood of my clit and yes they burned and hurt but mostly when touched faintly when left alone. I was so sure I had herpes, I would be only every subreddit related to herpes, reading my exact symptoms, seeing outbreaks that strongly resembled what I had. I even a few times would post the pics of the sores and would always get a handful of comments telling me that they looked concerning and I should get them swabbed ASAP and a few saying they were nothing concerning. A couple times I had burning pee, but I honestly can’t remember if this was before or after the sores started to appear. I’m a working student who has no car so it’s not rlly the easiest thing for me to find time to go to a walk in and get swabbed and honestly the sores wouldn’t last longer than a week and they mostly seemed to occur right before my period, clear up with it only to appear a few days after. The itching and tingling were almost always there with maybe an occasional day of relief. I would take pics of almost every numb and sore that was irritating so I could bring to my appointments, at the 6 week mark, I tested again at the same walk in and everything was negative, I showed the doctor the pics I took and she said they don’t look like anything concerning as in herpes. Every time I got a chance to go to the doctor it would always be when I didn’t have a sore which was really unfortunate
Doctors rlly operate off their OPINIONS so I booked an appt w my university clinic and unfortunately, again, I had no sores to swab and I just had my red sores and bump pictures to show and my symptoms. This doctor was male so I won’t necessarily say I held him opinion in low regard but he almost seemed like uncomfortable? Idk
When I say I convinced myself I had herpes in telling u I was doing everything, lysine, diet changes, all of it. My symptoms and sores/bumps were soooooo fucking similar to everything I was seeing. Nothing rlly was alleviating my turmoil long term so I rlly thought I was one of those ppl who just had a bad case.
At this point I had sworn off sex, I was going to go celibate and never date for the rest of my life and was rlly working towards just making myself as comfortable as possible, scanning subreddits for advice, literally doing everything ever recommended with rlly not much luck. I was rlly hanging on to the “it gets better” that everyone was swearing by.
Over the months I’ve debated texting him and asking him to actually get tested just so I’m aware of his status but I literally can’t because there’s a no contact order unless there’s a lawyer involved, although this order applies to him, I believe I can’t initiate contact because him responding would equal him breaking the order (I reported the rape).
I spent my birthday crying and scratching and sleeping cause that was the only time I wasn’t thinking about it.
I tried everything, no underwear, loose clothing, changing soaps, more water, more exercise, more sleep, no stress (lol this was impossible), no certain foods, EVRYTHINGGGG, by now I had the nerve pain, the shocks, the zap, I had it all over my lower body sometimes upper. Numbness was there, as well as the static ans pins and needles
I had no idea what the “normal” state of my vagina was like. It was like my memory b4 December of that area was wiped. Discomfort was my new normal. I also couldn’t rmr what my discharge was like, during this time I experienced diff types, thick white discharge, watery, it was hard to track. My vaginal smell also got stronger, not a bad smell but the smell was STRONGER. Like immediately I took of my panties I could smell my vagina another symptom I had read about
Last week, I had sores and bumps that itched and burned outside of the “prodrome symptoms” I reg experienced and begged my boss to let me leave work early to go to the same walk in clinic I needed her to say yes bc I FINALLY had sores to swab.
I once again did a full panel STI test (this was my third time, I went again at the 3 month mark before this) blood, urine, and this time, a swab.
She said for sure there were bumps but she didn’t see any ulcers but she’d swab for both yeast and HSV. She asked me if I wanted to b on anti virals while waiting for the results and immediately I said yes (I had basically accepted it at this point and was working on just coping and I was looking at this appointment being final confirmation for me) and she advised me to drink lots of water and gave me the valacyclivir prescription.
Taking the prescription brought zero relief to my symptoms. Again, I thought I was one of those w people who had a bad case and was gonna finish the 10 days and wait till I got the results back before taking any other action.
Finally, this week I was called in bc my results came in. I came to the appt w the mindset that was finally gonna get the type of HSV and was gonna let her know that I wanted to try gabapentin and a diff antiviral.
GUYS. It was negative. BUT YEAST WAS DETECTED. My jaw DROPPED. I was so floored. I was prescribed clotrimazole but I haven’t even bought it yet cause I’m broke tn lol. But listen, when I say my symptoms basically disappeared overnight without it… I’m not kidding. Everything suddenly HALTED like EVERYTHING. All of it was psychological, and yeast (I’m still picking up the script when I get paid)
This experience did also educated me on HSV, the stigma, the experiences others have had, those who had it transmitted to them intentionally or carelessly, the immune system, healthy lifestyles, so in a way…I’m kinda grateful? HSV stigma needs to end. More ppl need to b educated on this it’s honestly disheartening knowing I knew virtually nothing about an infection as common as herpes. I used to think oral was the least riskiest sexual act but now idk if I could ever again knowing what I know now, and most people will never know their status if they’re carriers of the virus. Even now I’m not sure if I can ever have sex or date ever again but that’s not bc of the HSV. My point? Don’t assume, get swabbed, no matter what anybody says or what you think, looking back the alcohol probably flared up the yeast.