What goes with stroganoff

The following events are based on a true story. Locations and names may be changed to protect identities. Some events may have been exaggerated a tad for comedic effect.
Note - Currently engaged to a lovely lady. Not looking for unicorns.
I sat there, tapping my fingers idly on the table, waiting for my coffee date to arrive. Swiped right on Tinder a few days ago, she had an interesting, if vague profile and she seemed my type, physically as well. Our texting wasn't the most...verbose but no big red flags went up and she seemed genuinely interested in meeting up too. So I got to the coffee shop early, waiting on her to arrive before ordering.
I idly watched the crowd for a few moments and then someone said my name and I looked up, a bit confused as I didn't fully recognize the person talking to me. "Hi, it's me, NAME REDACTED!" Oh...oh no. The person in front of me definitely looked like who I was talking to..just aged about 10+ years. Did I just get catfished? Gosh darnit I thought to myself, standing up and shaking her hand. "Sorry, I was a bit distracted! Hi!" I said, faking enthusiasm in my voice. Well, I thought, let us see how it goes.
And R4R, it was a doozy. She was jittery (didn't even have any coffee!), eyes darting all over the place and there was a distinct, musty odor about her. I don't think I'm the most critical of people but she seemed disheveled, unkempt and hygiene was...lacking. We made awkward small talk until she stated that she was a bit nervous about meeting up so she took a little something before the meeting. "Oh, something like a Valium?" She laughed, and said "Sure. Like a Valium." I laughed nervously back, not quite sure what she meant but getting an inkling.
The conversation proceeded to her talking about leaving her abusive drug-dealer ex (something that she hadn't brought up at all in our interactions), and how she stole some of his stash when she left. So the question on where she got her NOT VALIUM was answered.
"Okay, makememakeyoumakeme, you just have to get through this and then it will just be an amusing anecdote or story. On how to never trust Tinder, ever again." Our conversation trails off after about 20 minutes and I'm about to make my excuse when she pipes up, "Hey, want to go see INSERT MOVIE NAME HERE?".
What happened next has haunted me. I wake up in cold sweat sometimes, screaming "WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYY?". My mind is profusely coming up with excuses at this moment (Sorry, my house is on fire. Sorry, I have a previous engagement. Oh my God, are those aliens? Sorry, I have to watch my friend's cat, its suicidal, etc etc) but this is where my mouth betrayed me.
"Sure!" I said, enthusiastically and instantly, my brain screamed "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? YOU FOOL OF A TOOK!" at me. The theme music from Curb your Enthusiasm started playing in my head as my grin was frozen on my face.
The next few moments were a blur as we made our way to the theater. To this day, I do not know why I did not come up with an excuse to leave between leaving the coffee shop and getting to the movie. In too deep? Morbid fascination? A death wish? Who knows. Either way, we were seated next to each other only 20 minutes later.
And this is where the story took a turn for the worse. The lights were barely off when her hand snaked its way onto my thigh. "Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.", my mind screamed at me, "The Doomsday clock ticks closer to midnight!". I demand that my body obey me and a second and intense Battle of the Bulge commences as I attempt valiantly to prevent my body's natural response from occurring while trying to figure out how to subtly prevent this from happening.
Did I mention the group of teenagers sitting behind us? No? Oh, now I did.
Now I have nothing against some fooling around in a movie theater, but ideally it happens when there is almost no one else in the theater and never when there are children and teenagers around.
What followed was an hour and a half of her thinking my protests of "Not now" was teasing as she moved her hand on my thigh and my body betraying me. The inherent politeness in me prevented me from just yelling "Stop!" and walking out but oh God, did I want to. Her odor was overwhelming and I shifted around in my seat more often than tectonic plates under Japan to avoid her claw.
It finally ended. The ordeal was over as the credits rolled and we made our way out. I hurriedly made my goodbyes and farewells, gave her a quick hug and left, deleting Tinder on my walk to the car.
And that is why I'm here on R4R instead of on Tinder. I hope this story brought some enjoyment to you as it is certainly a solid anecdote for me.
A few basics about me: 39, male, professional career, living in Madison, Wisconsin. I thoroughly enjoy traveling, whether it was traversing through the tiny and gorgeous streets of Paris or enjoying the amazing cuisine of Spain. Speaking of cuisine, I love to cook and definitely love to eat. Making some beef stroganoff or a giant pot of chicken biryani, I love to experiment and try new dishes. Other interests include board games, tabletop RPGs, social justice and activism and more!
I'm looking for someone who shares some of my interests and also has some of their own that they would like to share. I want someone passionate and kind and open minded and just a bit wild.
I'm not looking for the following: - temporary online chat partners - platonic only - someone who has no intention of ever meeting up - Trumpers, conservatives and all around jerks - antivaxxers
The essay comes to an end. Save me from installing Tinder again!

I should not be writing this. I know they will be looking for me as soon as this goes live. I had to get the word out despite all the secrecy surrounding the project. I don't know what they'll do to me when they find me, but this has to get out.
I was unemployed vet tech looking for work when I came across a job listing offering a strangely large amount of money. What did I have to loose? I called the number and they gave me a website to go to that took me through an application process and a security clearance form that I had to fill out the last seven years of my life. They said it would be months until the clearance would come through but to my surprise a month later I got a phone call telling me I had been granted Interm Secret clearance and the job would proceed.
I had to go to a building without any name on it downtown and they took my photo for an ID card and a packet of information about where I was to go to the next day.
The next morning I drove to the address with a mix of excitement and apprehension. What about this job required a security clearance? Why had I gotten my interm secret so quickly? I figured I'd soon find out when I pulled up to a gate with a card reader. I swiped my ID and the razor wire topped gate slid open so I could pass. Yeah nothing ominous about that. I drove a mile or so down the road and parked in the parking lot in front of a building that looked like the set of a prison movie. The windows were narrow slits and I could tell from a distance that the door was very heavy duty. Thinking back a few minutes ago wasn't the top of that razor wire fence angled in as if to keep something in rather than people out?
I got out and approached the heavy door. I spotted the card reader and used my ID on it and it flashed green and there was a loud clunking sound from the door as it unlocked. I had to put some muscle behind it to get it to open and then it shut behind me followed by another loud clunk as the locks reengaged.
I turned to see a thick armored window with a guard staring me down.
"First day huh?" he asked me as he looked at his screen.
"Yeah," I said a bit nervously.
"Sit tight, your department head will be coming to pick you up and take you to your in-brief," he said.
"What uh, what is this place?" I asked.
"All that will be answered by the briefing so have a seat and relax. You're likely in the safest spot in the facility," he said.
I looked at the inner door and noticed it was just as thick and heavy as the outer one. I was essentially sitting in an armored booth so he was technically right about it being safe.
When my boss arrived he was wearing scrubs and had his ID card clipped to the bottom of the V of the top.
"So, you're my new tech?" he asked.
"Yes, Sir," I replied.
"Good, hopefully you follow instructions better than the last one," he said. "I'm Dr. Tanner. You can call me 'Sir' or 'Doctor'."
"Sir, can you tell me what I'll be doing here?" I asked.
"All in due time. First you need to complete the safety briefing. It is not a joke. Take a look at the windows and doors if you need convincing. The government doesn't spend this kind of money unless it's very necessary, and it is. You'll understand the need for it when I introduce you to our charges. I'm not going to tell you yet because I enjoy the look on people's faces when they get their first peak of what we're doing here," he said. "Now, for the safety briefing. Follow me."
He began to open the inner door when he stopped and looked back at me. "Do you have any electronic devices on you?"
"No Sir, the security documents instructed me to leave my phone and anything with a digital memory in the car," I said.
"Excellent, you're already demonstrating that you can follow directions," he said. Was that a hint of a smile I saw?
He lead me down the hallway to a room on the left and used his card to unlock and open the door. After I walked inside what appeared to be a conference room he followed me inside and let the door shut.
I immediately noticed the back of the door wasn't the usual thing one would expect to see. It had a big lever in the middle that looked like it operated bolts to secure the door shut. I started to wonder what the hell I had gotten myself into. I expected to be working with maybe the facility's guard dogs. This kind of security was on a level I hadn't experienced before.
"Good, you're observant, another plus," the doctor said.
He walked over to the table and picked up a recorder and pressed play. A trilling alarm sound came for it and he let it play for a few seconds before cutting it off.
"If you hear that sound along with flashing red lights you are to go to the nearest safe room, such as this one and use this lever to bolt the door," He walked over and pressed a button by the windows and the thick glass became opaque.
"And you are to opaque the windows with the control in the room so nothing can see in," he said and then pointed to a door on the other wall that had 'Emergency Supplies' written on it. "There you will find food, water, and other necessities if you happen to be locked down for an extended period of time. There is also a radio already set to the control room frequency. If the phone is not working pull the tab on the back of the radio so the battery makes contact and reports in with the information posted on the back of the door. That's basically who you are, where you are, and if there are any threats you know of near you. Otherwise sit tight unless told otherwise."
"Threats?" I asked.
"Our charges are out of containment or an external threat," the doctor replied.
"What's so dangerous that we need bunker rooms like this?" I asked.
"All in due time," he replied. "Have you ever used a tranquilizer gun?"
"No," I responded.
"No matter, you'd need to qualify on the two types we use anyway with the security team," he said.
"Why do we need tranquilizer guns?" I asked.
"The animals we work with are dangerous. They're sedated before they get to us and one of our tasks is to make sure they stay sedated until they're returned to the enclosure. If one wakes up and slips a restraint you are not going to want to go near it to give an injection. That's why we have tranq guns," The doctor said.
"That makes perfect sense to me," I said. My curiosity was burning wondering what we were working with. Had to be something like large predators to require this much security. A grizzly would be a plausible reason why the doors had the extra bars. The force they could produce could snap the usual latches.
"Good because it's time for my favorite part. Showing the new guy what we work with," the doctor said and led the way deeper into the facility and up a set of stars to a room labeled 'observation deck'.
"The windows are to remain frosted by the electronic controls there whenever the room is not in use. They cannot see in but they seem to know someone is watching them and it upsets them. It's best for everyone if they are not upset," He reached over and pressed the button and the electronic frosting cleared.
That's the moment where my brain completely derailed and I questioned my own sanity.
"W-Werewolves?" I asked.
"No, at least not at this facility. These are a lesser known cryptid called Dogmen, kind of like Bigfoot."
"Wait, is Bigfoot real?" I asked.
"Yes, but not nearly as widespread as 'sightings' would make you think," he said.
"If these exist, what else is real?" I asked him.
"That's beyond your need to know," he said sternly, but then his face softened. "I'll lend you a book later that contains everything we've confirmed and studied. After all, if you continue with this job you will have the opportunity to work with them in the future, and it's best you know what you're getting into," he said. "One benefit they probably haven't gotten around to telling you yet is that they will pay for your education. You can become a full veterinarian working with the most interesting creatures that exist," he said. "Not a bad gig, huh?"
"Except for the part where I'm working with large dangerous creatures," I said.
"Large, intelligent, dangerous creatures," he replied. "And that is why we have procedures and rules. Things like always having more sedative staged to inject if a patient starts to wake up, having them restrained at all times, and if they do wake up you have the tranq guns to put them back under without risking yourself," he said and tapped the control to frost over the glass again.
Our next stop was back in the conference room where there were now a couple of binders.
"Now for the boring part. Study these because you'll have to pass a test on them later. It's those procedures I mentioned. It covers everything from handling the animals, dosages we use, and why we can't leave after dark."
"Wait, we can't leave after dark?" I asked, a bit alarmed.
"There are dogmen in the woods surrounding this facility. The fence does a decent job of keeping them out but they do get in and they're not happy we have some of their kind captive. They're fairly shy during the day and become active at night so it's for your own safety that once the sun sets you stay here. We have secure rooms just for the occasion, and scrubs are not short in supply if you need a change of clothing. We have a mess hall staffed 24/7 by some excellent cooks. People who can do this job are rare so they take care of us. Now get to reading, you'll have to pass a test before you're allowed to work. I'll come pick you up for lunch."
I did as he said and spent the next few hours reading with a break for the promised lunch that was beef stroganoff and actually really good. I went for seconds. Then it was back to memorizing policy and procedures till I was finally done and managed a passing score on the test. That was followed by some time at an indoor range getting qualified on the tranq guns.
The doctor reviewed my test and nodded. "Excellent, you're a fast learner. We've rescheduled some things for tomorrow so we'll have the extra help. You head home and get a good night's rest. I'll see you in the morning in the veterinary section, just follow the signs it's easy to find," the doctor said.
I did as he said and drove home. I couldn't help but be a good deal more vigilant as I looked at the woods on the way out. Dogmen were out there and no one in the area except us knew. There were the cryptid hunters but they didn't know for sure like I did from seeing a pack close up.
Needless to say I didn't get a whole lot of sleep that night. My mind was racing with the possibilities of what was real from all of the stories.
In the morning I made breakfast and sat for a bit having to give myself a reality check that yesterday wasn't just a dream, so I finally picked up my keys and headed out. I drove down the lonely road and passed through the gate without incident. I parked my car and made my way through the security checkpoints and began following the signs to the Veterinarian department. As the doctor had said, it wasn't difficult to find.
There were three entrances all like airlocks that were long enough for a gurney. It didn't take long to figure out the purpose. If you had dangerous animals inside you wanted at least one door containment so they couldn't get past you and into the larger facility.
I went inside through the airlock like doors one at a time and found myself in a very familiar veterinary clinic though one that was very well stocked.
It was then that I met my other coworker, I'll call him Mike, who was sitting on a stool reading a magazine.
"Hey, you must be the new guy. I'm Mike," he said and I introduced myself.
"So, your first big day. You excited, or terrified?" Mike asked.
"A bit of both," I said honestly.
"Relax, by the time they get to us they've been pumped with enough drugs to drop an elephant. We take samples and the guards take them back out. Then we run the usual tests like any other animal. It's easy money," Mike said. "We're never in any danger."
"What about all of the procedures?" I asked.
"There's what's written down on paper and then there's what is practical and works. If we followed the checklist for every dogman that's brought in here it would just take us twice as long, and twice as long that it can wake up," Mike said. "So relax, I'll show you what you really have to do to streamline things."
What was I to say? He'd obviously been doing this for a long time and if his system worked who was I to question it?
Our first patient of the day made me the most nervous. The security team wheeled in a restrained female on a gurney right into the middle of our space then they backed out. Being the new guy I did the basics by checking heart rate, breathing, and looking into the eyes to make sure she was out cold. Everything was normal based on the numbers I had memorized.
Mike watched me, corrected my stethoscope placement a little and started drawing blood as soon as I was done. The moment he was done he buzzed the guards to take her back out while he labeled the samples.
"Less time they're in here the better so label your samples and fill out the papers once they're taken out," Mike said. "No need to have a dangerous animal laying around while we fill out forms."
"What about the extra sedative we're supposed to have ready?" I asked.
"The tranq guns are right there. Much safer to back off out of reach and just shoot them with another dose," Mike said. I couldn't fault his logic.
We had four more patients that day all went as smoothly as the first and I was beginning to relax. It was our last patient of the day when things went wrong.
It started normally with the guards rolling the male into our space and I took vitals and checked the eyes.
"Hey, I have some dilation here. I don't think he's under enough. Where's the sedative?" I asked.
"Don't worry about it. I'll be done before he realizes what happened," Mike said and undid one of the restraints a little so he could get to the vein. It was at that point things went horribly wrong. As soon as Mike inserted the needle the male woke up and jabbed it's hand upward catching Mike in the throat and spraying blood everywhere. I moved forward out of instinct to try and tighten the restraint when I felt a searing pain across my face and my right eye went red.
I stumbled back. Oh God had I lost my eye? I shook myself out of it long enough to badge through a door and throw the bolts before pressing the intercom button. "Creature out of containment in veterinary. I think Mike is dead. I'm hurt and need a medic!" I said before blacking out.
I don't know how long it was but when I woke up I was in a hospital room and the Veterinarian was sitting beside my bed.
"You're safe, you're in a hospital and just out of cosmetic surgery. You'll have some scars but it'll look like the result of a big cat. Your eye is fine."
"Mike?" I asked.
"Dead before any help would get to him. We have video of the whole thing including you questioning him multiple times on matters of procedure. Don't let someone senior intimidate you into not being safe. You have a month's paid leave to recuperate." he said.
So here I am. I need some advice. Should I go back to work after my leave is done or turn in my resignation? It won't take them much to figure out who I am if they find this post. I also don't know what they'll do to me if they do.

DISCLAIMER: On a second read, I realize this post sounds a lot snarkier and mean-spirited than I meant it to. It's not meant to be an angry rant, so please read it with a Seinfeld stand-up or Peter Griffin "You know what grinds my gears?" voice.
I like the idea of putting food in a slow-cooker, letting it do its thing for a few hours, and opening it up and eating what it cooked. Shove some meat and some veggies and some seasoning into a pot and wait until a not-super-yummy-but-serviceable meal comes out.
The problem is, it ALWAYS smells better than it tastes. All the flavor winds up in the watestock instead of in the food. "Ah!" says I, "but what if we just put the food in a bag first. Reduce the quantity of water mixing with the flavors and we'll be much better off! I'm sure you need to make some adjustments to timing because the bag isn't going to conduct heat well and the meat needs to excrete its juice before the temperature in the bag becomes normalized, but I'm sure either Google or Reddit can sort me out!"
Neither Google nor Reddit can sort me out.
If you go onto slowcooking and search about slow-cooking a slow-cooker recipe that's been vacuum-bagged first, the answer is "Um, actually what you are talking about is called 'sous vide.' You're going to want to go talk to the sousvide people."
If you come here and search about slow-cooking a mixed-item meal that been vacuum-bagged first, y'all put on the thick, black-rim glasses and go "ECKTUALLY, if you want meat that has a painstakingly optimized cook to the platonic ideal of meat doneness, you need to cook it at 54.4°C for 330 minutes, but if you want the same for vegetable you need 74.9°C for at least 240 minutes so I just think you should cook the meat and veggies separately."
Like, friends, I understand you CAN control your temperatures and circulate water to 0.1°C accuracy, but that doesn't mean you HAVE to. I don't want a chef's-kiss dish at no effort, I want my next-to-zero-effort meal to taste slightly better. Also, it misses part of the point, that cooking the veggies with the meat is supposed to impart meat flavor into the veggies.
All that being said, here is what I THINK should work:

1. Do the prep for a slow-cooker meal
2. Put ingredients--including veggies and sauces--in a bag and seal. Maybe add an ice cube or a small (<1 tsp) bit of (unrendered? frozen?) fat in there to promote everything getting up to temp quicker since it's in a bag
3. Cook bag in water like it's a slow cooker meal. (Maybe?) set it to either "low" or "high" depending on how you're feeling. (Maybe?) add a couple hours for the food in the bag to conduct heat through it.
4. When the cooking is done, scoop all the stuff out of the bag, leaving the liquid in there.
5. (Optional) You conveniently have all your drippings in a plastic bag, so you can use the plastic-bag-fat-separator trick to separate to fat from the juices and use your fat and juices to (choose from the options below):
   • Make a roux
   • Make gravy
   • Make sauce
   • Make soup base
6. (Optional) Make some rice, noodles, processed potatoes, or broth, stir in your cooked food for a low effort imitation stew/stroganoff/jambalaya/"skillet" meal.

Step 5 is optional, but ensures everything that goes into the bag goes into your food--no more left-behind flavors. Step 6 is also optional, but gives you some needed bulk.
The above is basically a "no-dish" meal until you get to step 5--the slow cooker only has water in it. Just dry it off and put it back on the shelf. All of the parenthetical maybes are things I was hoping to Google around and find people's experience with, but IT DOESN'T EXIST.
There's no way my mediocre-cook-on-a-good-day self thought of cooking this way, and a million other people aren't already doing it for no good reason. One of two things is happening here.
Option 1: I'm trying to do something that falls outside of the norms of established communities dedicated to cooking meat in water. The slow-cookers say "you're doing sous vide so go pound sand." The sous-vide-ers have dedicated considerable effort to refining technology in order to very precisely and meticulously cook food to a perfect doneness, and aren't particularly interested in mixing their bags. Slow cooking in a bag sits in a no-mans land between the two communities.
Option 2 (more likely): My idea is so blindingly, obviously dumb that nobody else bothered to bring it up.
WHICH IS IT, SOUSVIDE?

One day I told my friend a random One Piece fact that I thought he would enjoy. Then I told him I could do this until season 2 of the live action gets released. 100 days have passed since then and I didn't miss a single day and I will continue as long as I can. My friend knows some characters and story elements but will likely never actually watch/read One Piece. I still tried to write facts that only require minimum knowledge, are interesting and are mostly spoiler free. Feel free to fact check :)
Day 1: Sanji has ran away from lgbtq people for 2 years to train himself
Day 2: Luffy probably has the least amount of sexual desire within the main crew
Day 3: Luffy can in fact strech his penis
Day 4: One Piece was only supposed run for 5 years...
Day 5: Zoro's nickname in the fandom is "Minority hunter"
Day 6: According to Oda if Zoro was a real person he would be a police officer 🙃
Day 7: The smallest named character in the series is a fly named Batchee
Day 8: In the seventh popularity poll, Batchee was ranked 112th out of 1052 characters.
Day 9: The largest named character is a 35 km tall elephant named Zunesha
Day 10: Whitebeard is 666 cm tall....Luffy is 174 cm
Day 11: The pirate Big Mom has 85 children, and they ALL have names and designs
Day 12: Oda wanted to become a mangaka to quote:"avoid getting a real job"
Day 13: According to Oda if Luffy was a real person he would be Brazilian
Day 14: Luffy canonically only showers once a week
Day 15: Luffy was the first anime character to appear in a fashion magazine
Day 16: There is a character named after the hungarian card game "Ulti"
Day 17: The One piece live action reportedly spent 17 million dollars per episode
Day 18: Brooks inner monologue all times is "panties panties laugh tea tea"
Day 19: One Piece was originally called "Romance Dawn"
Day 20: The mayor of Luffy's home town is named Woop Slap
Day 21: When Oda's met his wife for the first time she was cosplaying Nami
Day 22: When Oda married in 2004, he made a promise with his wife that they will go on a round-the-world trip after One Piece ends, saying he would finish it in 10 years...
Day 23: The character named Ham Burger is the king of the Ballywood kingdom
Day 24: There are at least 2 characters who can genderbend people
Day 25: There has been 7 popularity pools so far and Luffy has won all of them
Day 26: The One Piece anime started airing in october of 1999 and out of the 1078 episodes(as of today, 10/06/2023) so far only around 10% is filler
Day 27: The longest time between a characters first mention and full on reveal is held by Vegapunk with 581 chapters(roughly 13.5 years). The second is Jinbei with 459.
Day 28: The top 5 most upvoted chapters on OnePiece are chapters 1000, 1044, 1043, 957, 1010
Day 29: Luffy holds the record for appearing in the most amount of panels and there is a noticeable dip in manga sales when he doesn't appear for a long time
Day 30: There is actually a One piece TCG that was realesed in july of 2022. It has mulligan and is similar to the Pokemon TCG.
Day 31: Oda has stated that if he had a devil fruit it would be the "Pervert Pervert fruit"
Day 32: Luffy and Brook can grow back their teeth by drinking milk. There is no canonical explanation for this.
Day 33: Sanji's original name was "Naruto"
Day 34: One Piece holds the Guinness word record for "most sold Comics book series published by a single author"
Day 35: Nami is canonically far sighted so she does put on glasses when reading books or maps
Day 36: Oda made 2 prototype one shots of One Piece before releasing the third as chapter 1 of the series
Day 37: There is canonically a character named Batman in the series
Day 38: There is a character named Tama who can mindcontrol people who have animal powers... she is a good guy
Day 39: There is character named Sugar who can turn people into toys and mindcontrol them... and SHE is a villian
Day 40: The Strawhats are the only known pirate crew where all members have a bounty and the those bounties are known
Day 41: Gold Roger's iconic "mustache" is actually his long nose hair
Day 42: There are in fact furry people that exist in the word of One Piece
Day 43: Franky's favorite foods are hamburgers, french fries, and anything that goes well with Cola
Day 44: According to Oda if Franky was a real person he would be American
Day 45: There are canonically space pirates on the moon
Day 46: There is a reccuring gag character named Pandaman and his birthday is february 29th
Day 47: Oda in 2007 said that: When I start an arc thinking, "This arc will end in 30 chapters ," it usually takes 3 times as long, 90 chapters
Day 48: Some characters can just conjur fire and we still dont know a canonical explanation as to how
Day 49: funpiece is a pretty fun place 🙂
Day 50: There is a filler arc in the anime which is better than some actual arcs
Day 51: There is a character named Senor Pink. He dresses as a baby and has one of the saddest and most relatable backstories in the series
Day 52: The main currency in the series is called Berry and its value practically translates to japanese yen
Day 53: As of today(11/02/2023) there are 152 canon and 57 non canon devil fruits in the universe of One Piece
Day 54: Even tho the story is about pirates there is no canon character with an eyepatch
Day 55: Rusukaina island has 47 distinct seasons a year that changes almost every week
Day 56: We literally know NOTHING about Luffy's mom after 26 years
Day 57: There are 2 characters with the same name and they have nothing to do with each other
Day 58: A popular fan theory is that Luffy's mother is the genderbent version of a villian Luffy has defeated a long time ago
Day 59: Nami is canonically the 3rd smartest person on the East Blue
Day 60: There are least 20+ different races and tribes in the world of One Piece
Day 61: For Luffy's "Gear 3" ability Oda just stole the idea from Naruto, which he later admitted
Day 62: Whitebeard's flagship is called the Moby Dick
Day 63: Luffy in the anime has been voiced by the same woman for 24 years
Day 64: Oda has stated multiple times that there is gonna be no romance between the main crew
Day 65: There is a character called Enel whose design is inspired by Eminem
Day 66: The largest humaniod character is Sanjaun Wolf with a height of 180 meters
Day 67: The whale that King Neptune rides on is named Virgo. Its birthday is Sept 13th
Day 68: In early concept arts Nami was supposed have a battle axe and mechanical arm
Day 69: Oda has stated that after the timeskip Nami's measurements were 98/58/88 which is a J cup in Japan
Day 70: Trafalgar Law's least favorite food is bread
Day 71: Bounties in the series indicate how dangerous a person is to the Word Goverment and not necessarily their power level
Day 72: Whitebeard and Mihawk are some of the few characters who don't name their attacks
Day 73: The character Kozuki Oden obliterated a bear by hurling a boulder at it at the age of 4. At age 6, he started roaming the Red-Light District and spent the castle's money at the pleasure halls
Day 74: Oda looks up online fanmade databases for character techniques/moves before fights
Day 75: The character "Atchan" got fired from the Marine Photography Department after forgetting taking of his lens cap 57 times
Day 76: Even tho devil fruit users can't swim, no user has ever died of drowning in the series
Day 77: There is a character whose ability is to make you depressed
Day 78: In the same arc there is a man who identifies as a woman and a woman who identifies as a man
Day 79: Unless stated otherwise we could assume that most of the strawhat pirates are virgins
Day 80: Though slavery was prohibited by the World Government over 200 years before the current storyline, it still survives in certain places
Day 81: Most expensive slaves in One Piece are 30+ year old female mermaids
Day 82: Luffy actually doesn't know the backstory of any of his crewmates
Day 83: For the first 1100 chapters Luffy has appeared in 898
Day 84: The two girls following Blackbeard around are called Tori and Maki, which put together is "Torimaki", roughly meaning "gold digger"
Day 85: Live action Luffy is actually much weaker than anime/manga Luffy
Day 86: Oda has stated that the One Piece is a physical thing so at the end the treasure wont be "The friends we made along away"
Day 87: One of Sanji's dream is to get the devil fruit that turns you invisible to peep on women
Day 88: The Will of P. is a meme made by the fandom after multiple characters whos name starts with a P survived things they shoudn't have
Day 89: Chopper's nose is blue because his backstory is based on Rudolf the red nosed reindeer, but reindeers can't see the color red
Day 90: Chopper tries to get an animal for the crew so he is no longer considered a "pet". To his dismay every time he brings a pet on board Sanji ends up cooking it
Day 91: Instead of phones people use transponder snails(Den Den Mushi) that can communicate telepathically
Day 92: One of the biggest inspirations for Oda was a tv show called Vicky the viking
Day 93: Luffy gives nicknames to a lot of people because he doesn't care to remember names. But when someone joins the crew he makes sure to learn their name properly
Day 94: Shortly after One Piece became popular, Oda visited a restaurant with his mangaka friends. Not only did he treat them, but he also put the change in a donation box, saying the coins and bills made his wallet "too heavy"
Day 95: The country of Dressrosa was inspired by Spain. Water 7 was inspired by Venice, the country of Wano was inspired by Japan etc
Day 96: Stroganoff is the king of Beef Kingdom
Day 97: It took 12 years to find out what both of Sanji's eyebrows looks like cause one of his eyes was always covered by his hair
Day 98: Oda doesn't like to kill off characters because he wants to use them later and said that ressurecting characters is stupid
Day 99: Tequila Wolf is an enormous bridge built by slave labor for the last 700 years. It is a most likely a reference to the real life Burma Railway
Day 100: MemePiece is a pretty funny place

Hello all,sorry about my long absence, I've was watching, Mahou Tsukai Pretty Cure, Hugtto Pretty Cure and part of Star Twinkle Pretty Cure,but now I took a break from Star Twinkle to watch GX. I've got several warnings about increased sadness and fanservice.
"Murderer of Miracles"-5/5- We start off with a falling spacecraft. They recovered Nastassjia's body after she was murdered in cold blood by Dr Ver. The astronauts think it's the end,but a voice reassures them. Shirabe, Kirika and Maria are watching the rescue attempt from prison. Hibiki sacrificed herself to stop the spaceship. Chris is the first one to check on Hibiki. A little girl is running from a mysterious figure. At school Hibiki tries to jump Chris but gets bashed in the head by Chris's school bag😂😂, Chris says she's setting a bad example for Kirika and Shirabe. Kirika talks about how Shirabe's biceps are "warm and soft" ,Miku starts feeling Hibiki's biceps,but Chris gets annoyed by Hibiki's laugh,bashes her again saying "Do that stuff at home!". I'm surprised Maria could salvage her career despite what happened. She gets attacked by a strange woman that drains the life force from people, another strange lady is using pennies as weapons to attack the little girl. Maria puts up a fight despite lacking her gear,but almost gets impaled until Tsubasa saves her. Hibiki saves everyone from the fire but a mysterious witch looking girl is watching her. The girl,Carol, has a flashback to her father being burned on a stake by cultists🥲🥲.She realized Hibiki spotted her and fired a blast of energy at her. We're off to a strong start...
"Before I Destroy the World.."-4/5- Carol wonders why Hibiki won't fight back. Hibiki asks why she wants to destroy the Earth ,Carol floats down to her. Elsewhere Chris is told how Hibiki saved the day, Chris smiles and says she can't let Hibiki have all the glory,cue a coin destroying the helicopter. Chris sees the same lady who was chasing after the little girl(hiding nearby). She yeets coins that narrowly miss Chris(maybe a warning shot),she then proclaims to Chris she's ready. The little girl tells Chris "watch out" several boats are in the sky,she says "What kind of joke is this?" as they fall on her, Chris is unharmed, she quickly turns her face away claiming to be a superhero, the little girl is not fooled and says "Chris Yukine,wielder of the Ichaival Symphogear". Her name is Elfnein and she's searching for Symphogear wielders to save the world from Carol. A guy recorded Carol to sell it,but a little girl says "it's not polite to videotape someone without permission" then kisses him to death. Carol tries to force Hibiki to fight,but she doesn't want to, the other girl we saw earlier shows up, Garie. Carol leaves Hibiki saying "fight me next time". While Tsubasa and Maria are fleeing in a car,the lady reappears and slices the car at the top,but they narrowly duck. She spawns an army of Noises,same thing happens to Chris. The noises can eat through their weapons………on a side note,faith is the only thing holding up what Maria is wearing,just saying.
"Twilight of the Wielders"-5/5- Tsubasa is detransformed and falls naked on the ground,same thing happens to Chris.The lady is about to kill Elfnein,Kirika shows up where Tsubasa and starts mowing down noises to which the lady comments "You're way too flashy". Shirabe shows up as Elfnein is going to be killed. Where's Hibiki during all the action happening? Genjuro lampshaded this. Back to the slice of life,Hibiki's friends break the 4th wall by singing to us about beef stroganoff and they're looking at the camera while doing it. Hibiki cuts her hand while chopping(but strangely no blood),Miku says she deserved it for not paying attention. In the hospital, Kirika yeets her magazine saying she's bored and Shirabe plainly states hospital food has no flavor,Hibiki was deep in thought, but cut to Miku pouting at Hibiki for zoning out. Tsubasa and Maria return to Japan. They can't repair their linker without Ryouko. In Carol's lair,Garie brings another doll to life. We see a disturbing nightmare fuel shot of the people they drained of their life force. Elfnein spills everything to Hibiki and the others,according to research, Elfnein is technically a they/them as they're gender neutral. Hibiki and her friends are walking, cue a line of lifeless corpses behind them,Garie appears to them. Hibiki proclaimed she doesn't want to fight her,but Garie spawns noises at her. Hibiki can't transform anymore…….
"Gungnir, Once More"-5/5- If only Genjuro knew how wrong he was about Hibiki's gear functioning. Garie raised her eyebrow in disbelief after seeing Hibiki cannot transform. She says to herself Hibiki is not worth fighting if she can't transform. One of Hibiki's classmates lies to Garie they're not with Hibiki and she let's them go,they bail with Hibiki, Garie stands there dumbfounded, then sends noises after them. Hibiki trips and her gear goes flying in the air,but Maria catches it and transforms. She goes to end Garie, but she has forcefields everywhere. She grins and says "you should chill!". She decided Maria is a worthy opponent and charged for the kill with an ice sword,but the Gungnir gives up and Maria detransformed. Garie stops and is utterly disappointed. She even asks "is that all you got? This sucks!" and then bails. Maria has gear disorder as shown by her bleeding after the gear gives out. According to Elfnein, the dolls are called "Autoscorers". Leiur is the one who fought Chris, Phara fought Tsubasa and they haven't seen Micha yet. Micha is chasing after Hibiki and Miku begging Hibiki to stop running and sing. She's clearly an airheaded sadist and mentally unstable. Just like Garie, she's in utter disbelief Hibiki cannot sing and it takes her a few minutes to realize that. Miku gives Hibiki a pep talk,which makes Micha attack Miku. Hibiki finally transformed and Micha is overexcited. Micha was fake all along as Garie revealed. Then Micha appears and stabs her linker,blasting her several feet into the air and then Hibiki has a hard fall and is left unconscious..………

This is a post from Jeff Rose. Mr. Rose is an Illinois Certified Financial Planner and co-founder of Alliance Investment Planning Group. He is also the author of Good Financial Cents, a financial planning and investment blog. You can also learn more about Jeff at his website Jeff Rose Financial.
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Car camping is cool, but there’s something awesomely manly about putting everything you need to survive on your back and heading out into the woods. This year marked my second manly trip with my buddies as we adventured out for a week into the wilderness with everything we needed to survive on our backs. Last year we conquered the Smoky Mountains. This year took us to the great national park of Yellowstone. In case you’re considering backpacking yourself, I wanted to give a few tips to help you out on your next manly expedition. Let’s run through a list of things that you might need.

1. A Backpack Like No Other

Kind of goes without saying, doesn’t it? But, you don’t want just your typical backpack. Last year, I tried using a Bug Out bag that I had purchased in Iraq while on deployment. It’s one of the coolest backpacks I have ever had, and I thought it would work fine while in the Smokies. About 30 minutes into our first trail, I realized the huge mistake I had made. My shoulders were killing me and by the end of the trip so was my back. I learned the hard way that I needed a “real” backpack to last me throughout the trip. Taking my friend’s advice, I headed up to the closest REI where I spent over an hour and a half getting fitted by one of their sales assistants. The end result? After hiking 35 plus miles in the Yellowstone National Forest, I can tell you the time and money spent was well worth it. The REI backpack is the most comfortable backpack I’ve ever had throughout high school, college, and even my military career.
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2. Take Care of Your Feet

When I was in the military I started off in the infantry division, and the one thing our Drill Sergeants always told us was to take care of our feet. It’s no different on a backpacking trip. Taking care of your feet means getting the right shoes and also the right socks. My friends had decided to spend a little bit more money and get some Merrell hiking boots. I particularly wasn’t all excited about spending an extra $120 just on shoes, although I knew it was probably worth it. I decided instead to purchase some $60 Nike trail shoes. I have to confess, I was very pleased with the Nike’s. Not only did I wear them in the Smoky Mountains, but I also wore them again this year in Yellowstone. The only complaint I have is the fact that they’re not waterproof, which can be an issue when crossing streams. Other than that, I’m the only one out of seven guys that never got a single blister. I contribute some of that to my shoes, but wearing true hiking socks helped as well. I found some hiking socks at Dick’s Sporting Goods that kept my feet from getting blisters both trips. Once again, well worth the investment.
To be a good friend, be sure to pack some moleskin for the guys who do get blisters. There aren’t too many things worse than hiking up a mountain with several blisters on your feet.
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3. Stay Hydrated

“Beat the heat Drill Sergeant, beat the heat!” That’s what we used to yell in basic training after we chugged out of our canteens. While hiking in the wilderness, you want to make sure to keep hydrated. Once again, my military background came into play, and I was able to bring my CamelBak that I had and use it in my pack. You also want some type of water bottle, maybe a Nalgene to keep extra water in as well. You can never have too much water.
While hiking in the wilderness, you don’t want to drink directly out of the stream. Well, you can, but remember that what goes in must come out, and drinking out of a stream doesn’t always come out as pretty. To prevent a case of Montezuma’s revenge, you’ll want to consider packing a water filter with you.
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4. Time to Sleep

When it’s time to hit the sack after you’ve been hiking for eight to ten hours a day, you’ll want to sleep comfortably. There aren’t any Comfort Suites to check into, of course, so you’ll want to pack accordingly. You’re going to want a tent and an extra warm sleeping bag. Keep in mind that you’ll want a lightweight tent and sleeping bag because you’ll have to carry them on your back. For example, my two man tent weighed approximately 3.5 pounds. I even packed a little extra pillow about the size of one that you’d get on an airplane. Both years I went without a sleeping pad, but I can tell you that next year I’m going to make the purchase. Sleeping on hard ground with rocks and everything else underneath you is not fun.
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5. Feed That Belly

When you’re hiking with a 50 pound plus pack, you want to make sure you stay nourished. There are times when my blood sugar felt low, and I needed a quick fix. Be sure to take granola, power bars, nuts, jerky and other quick little snack foods that you can eat while you’re hiking. After you’ve been hiking the whole day, it’s time to treat yourself to some good grub. We opted to go with what’s called Mountain House meals, which are far superior than any MRE (Meal Ready to Eat) I ever had in the military. To prepare the Mountain House meal, all you need is 16 ounces of boiling water. Obviously, boiling water doesn’t come from a mountain stream. You’ll need to pack a lightweight stove and something to light it with. Pack a few lighters and some waterproof matches for backup.
The Mountain House meals are awesome. They cost anywhere from $5-$7 and you can get a variety of flavors. Anywhere from Beef Stroganoff (my favorite), Lasagna, and Chicken Teriyaki. All it takes is two cups of water, pour it into your bag, let it sit for eight minutes, and voila, you’ve got instant cuisine in the middle of nowhere. Another plus is that you eat them right out of the bag which makes clean up that much easier.
After you’ve eaten all of your dinner and snack food, don’t forget to bring some sealable trash bags – preferably zip-lock bags to put your trash away. You also want to bring a 50 ft rope/cord to hang up your pack. Yellowstone has designated bear poles where you can string up your pack about 10 feet in the air to keep wildlife out of your campsite. You want to enjoy your food, but you also want to make sure that no other bears or any other wildlife enjoy your trash.
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6. Don’t Dress To Impress

This year was harder to plan for clothing-wise because Yellowstone has an extreme range of temperatures. While we were there, it went from 85 degrees during the day to a low of 38 degrees at night, not including the fact that it rained every single day that we were out there. To battle the heat, I wore what I wore while in Iraq – my beloved Under Armour heat gear. At night, I brought out my beanie, and my North Face jacket to keep me warm. The jacket took up a little bit of extra room in my pack, but it was well worth it. The other good purchase that I made on this trip was a pair of convertible pants. These are the pants that you can wear as pants to keep you warm at night, but then unzip them and you’ve got shorts while you’re hiking in the 85 degree heat. They were perfect for the unpredictable Yellowstone weather.
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7. Plan for the Miscellaneous

Since Yellowstone is well-known for their grizzly bears and black bears, we thought it would be a wise investment to at least have one or two cans of bear mace. It’s kind of pricey at $35 a pop, but I figure $35 is worth it in case I came across an angry momma grizzly and her cubs. I guess it’s not as “manly” as wrestling a bear, but my ego is still in check. You also want to think about bug spray (mosquitoes were horrible!), a camera with long life batteries so that you can remember the trip, and bio-degradable baby wipes-these aren’t just for the hands :).
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8. Smells Like Roses

The last thing is to make sure you pack deodorant. I know what you’re thinking – “You’re a man, why does a man need deodorant when he’s out in the wilderness?” You are absolutely right! You don’t need to use any deodorant while you’re out in the wilderness. In fact, I took pride in not showering the whole time we were camping out (I did shower the night before we left) . Deodorant comes into play for the ride home. Having flown out there, I thought the “manly” and polite thing to do was to not smell like I had backpacked for the last week to the person flying next to me. Even manly men have to have some sort of personal hygiene etiquette, right?
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What are your tips for backpacking? What kinds of gear, clothing, and food do you bring on your adventures? Share your advice with us in the comments!
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If you enjoyed Jeff’s post, read more of his stuff at Good Financial Cents
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Happy Father’s day to all my dad-friends out there; I sincerely hope you had a great day.
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I’m in a bit of a shambles at the moment; not getting around too well. Adding to the comedy of the other night, I threw my back out climbing over Dotty’s fence. The wrenching is always a bit delayed, but this time it hit with a vengeance. She told me I deserved it and maybe I did.
Still, she’s been here – nursing me and looking after me. When she called the next morning I told her that I threw my back out. Her reply was, “I’m on my way.”
I was on the sofa in the family room when she arrived. It would be the first time we had seen one another since the “incident.” I was such an ass that night and I don’t know what I was thinking sneaking around her house and rapping on her window. Of course she called the cops – she didn’t know. Standing in her driveway that night after the cops left, she angrily reminded me that I recently made her read Truman Capote’s “In Cold Blood.” I nodded and laughed, remembering. I assured her that she did the right thing.
I had so much to tell her; I planned a whole speech. But as soon as I started, she put her finger against my lips to stop me from saying anything at all. Then she said, “Remember the contract.” She reminded me of that big talk we had, where we both shared our feelings about Suzanne and what it meant. She said, “You asked me to let you be angry for a little while longer.” Then she smiled, knowingly and said “It’s okay, Mack” with the greatest affection.
So I said the only thing I could. “I love you.”
She smiled again. “Yes you do” she said.
My back was no better today; not really anyway. I’m up a bit more than yesterday, but still tilted. PJ, when watching me walk, said that it looked like I had a romantic encounter with a bull, though he phrased it with a bit more color than that. He's such a shit.
It was a wonderful day just the same. The boys had it all planned; they even went out and bought ingredients for the dinner they would make me and the cake they would bake and I wasn’t allowed to say no. They even got balloons.
They would make beef stroganoff; the three of them bouncing around the kitchen, pausing and rewinding a Youtube video that showed them how. It was one of the most endearing sights I’d ever seen - my three favorite men vying for alpha chef, arguing over everything. At one point, Jon would break off to mix and ready the cake, and I love him but he’s the last one of the three that should have been assigned that particular chore. He’s not good at it. I didn’t say a word.
The dinner was outstanding – it truly was – and I congratulated them. The cake… well… not so much, but the laughter it gave us made it all worthwhile.
The boys surprised me with a beautiful humidor for my man-cave and I would quickly learn that they conspired with Dotty because her gift was a box of fine (really fine) cigars. I love cigars, but only rarely had one – like a special treat. I haven’t had one in a very long time. I don’t know if any of you would remember – because this goes way back – but I used to smoke. It was never a heavy habit; just three each day – Suzanne allowed it so long as I kept it to three, but it would be PJ who would ask me to stop. I remember the night on the patio when he discovered me enjoying my evening cigarette and said, “I don’t want you to do that anymore.” For all that had happened, I would sort out his worry rather quickly and comply. That was the last cigarette I will ever have and although my habit was minor, leaving it wasn’t easy to do.
And so as I opened these wonderful gifts, I would immediately look over at PJ. He would look right back at me, as though expecting me. “It’s okay, Dad.” He said. He explained how it’s a rare treat, and so it was okay.
I enjoyed half of a cigar tonight and will cherish their gift forever.
After the meal, we all hunkered down in the family room for a movie-night, seeing as that was about all I’m capable of in the moment. It was my day and so my-pick and I chose “Living” with Bill Nighy; I hadn’t seen it yet but read about it. It’s a British remake of the classic film, Ikiru. The boys rolled their eyes and tried talking me into “Goodfellas” but it was my pick. By the end, the boys were silent and attentive; it moved them and I was glad that it did. It's one of the most beautiful films I’ve ever seen and somehow I knew it would be. And when it was over, I knew that I was supposed to watch it and I won’t ask anyone to understand that, but knew that Suzie would have loved it too.
I felt her so strongly tonight, and as I did, I knew that she was content. I won’t ask anyone to understand that either. But as I looked about the room and to the people I love the best, I knew she was completely happy. I miss her terribly; I always will. But any doubt I may still be carrying about what my life should be now is fading. I know I’m home.
When Dorothy and I were alone, I summoned up that speech I had all prepared; the one she didn’t want me to say. I said it anyway and we talked. The incident with the books needed to happen, I told her, and it’s good that it did. And it’s good that I acted like an ass and that she forgave me, because that needed to happen too. It’s a shock at first, these moments where I find her in places in me that had always been reserved before. I need to be shocked that way – I need a moment to be startled and to act startled in order to find a new normal, and I need the understanding and forgiveness that she gives me when I am. And I know she understands me, even when she swears she doesn’t. And it’s because of that, that I’m sure.
I do need to be angry for just a little while longer; there’s just so much anger. But I’m working it out. As life goes on, it seems that each time I fall; I stand back up a little bit stronger. There is immense fortune in having someone understand that and Dotty understands. And I know she loves me.
It’s an interesting consideration to feel as lucky as I do, coming from the places that I’ve been. And maybe some of that rises from my time in life, or the idea that I’m not asking for more. But each new day with Dotty assures me that I won’t ever need more and I find great comfort in that.
For all there is left to work out since the worst night, I know we’re going to be okay. It’s a hell of a thing to come through and I know that many don’t. But we have. And we will.

Synopsis:
Meridiana, an ancient demon, a Succubus who succeeded in seducing a man who would rise to become Pope Sylvester II. She helped him in his rise to power but on his deathbed, the wily priest confessed his sins, giving him absolution, allowing his soul to be free and not dwell in eternal hellfire.
For her failure to bring the soul of a Pope to hell, she was imprisoned for a thousand years.
Now she finds herself freed from hell and in our modern world, summoned by a mysterious man she calls The Magus.
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Back again so soon?
Well I am not surprised dear reader as I am so supremely attractive, vivacious, alluring and spicy. It is no wonder you are unable to restrain yourself. It is nature working as intended. Even us demons have to abide by the rules set down by Gaia you know, not that she cares at all about minutiae and minor details like individual beings. Gaia is a BIG picture being, far, FAR above us.
She… well we call her she as she is responsible, in an accidental way, for creating life on this planet plus she thinks in terms of deep time. Four and a half billion years is a long time you know? Yes, she ‘became’ at the beginning of this planets formation. Does it shock you to learn that the planet itself is a living being? She’s life Jim, but not as you know it!
Cosmology and beings of varying planes of existence is a tricky concept for your primitive monkey brains to comprehend so we won’t get into it here. Maybe later…
Now then, back to my amazing story…
After my fabulous room service dinner and the rest of that bottle of champagne, I relaxed for a while on a wonderfully comfortable sofa while listening to music and reading my tablet. I knew I was being watched by the myriad of ‘bugs’ – little electronic spying devices installed by Igor so he could use any compromising footage to blackmail me at a later date. Kompromat was what its called in the local language.
The poor fools had no idea who they were dealing with.
I rested for an hour, digesting my sumptuous meal then got up, made my way to the bathroom but not before I warded and barred the door so it was now an impervious barrier. The reverse of a Knock spell is very useful indeed. Once that was done, entering the bathroom I got out the small device that the Magus had given me to detect bugs and spying devices.
The object looked like my phone so those spying on me wouldn’t know what it was initially. Using the reverse of the cantrip Mend, I disabled the three mini cameras that were secreted around the bathroom plus the two audio bugs as well. I did it subtly though by turning on the hot water in the shower and basin, creating voluminous clouds of steam [magically enhanced by a minor Illusion spell] giving those watching the impression that the massive pall of steam had somehow disabled the bugging devices. I had the Magus to thank for that little gem of counter-espionage.
Now that I was no longer being viewed, I incantated the spell to create a Simulacra of myself. A perfect replica who would do as I bid. This was no illusion, my Simulacra was a real physical copy of myself. It is one of the most powerful spells I know and is extremely useful in so many ways.
I had Merry [that’s what I call her] join me in the shower [well why not have a little fun with yourself hmm?] then afterwards, she got into one of the bathrobes, return to the living area to watch television and help herself to the amazing bar of various alcohols. Why not? After all, the Magus and I certainly weren’t going to pay for any of it so my Simulacra should enjoy herself.
I also learned that this hotel was a front for one of the various criminal gangs that ran this miserable country so stealing from them was a true pleasure. The Magus called it a Kleptocracy, a fitting use of Greek to describe this detestable nation. You would think that I would approve of a nation run like this yet, interestingly, I don’t. I have since discovered that you can be far more subtle and effective with governing via corruption by hiding it in plain sight, even making a virtue of it. I’m looking at you America… what a truly marvellous system of self-serving manipulation that nations governing class have created. Even the Roman emperors would be impressed. But I digress…
Meanwhile, I dried off, went invisible, then ethereal, making my way through the walls and glass balcony doors to assume my true form and cast myself into the nights sky.
Being able to launch yourself from a high point for flying takes a lot of the effort out of flying which I took full advantage of. With a few powerful down beats of my leathery demon wings, I soared high into the nights sky to scout out where my main target would most likely be.
Below me was the city, all lit up by a multitude of streetlamps and other points of illumination. From my vantage point, it looked… pretty. The variation of colours and the myriad of patterns made it a lovely sight to behold. It was a pity that the daylight reality was so depressing.
I coasted around for an hour then decided to test the defences of the red fortress where my target would be.
Hovering near an entry way, I concentrated on Detecting Magic so as to see if there were any arcane defences in place. Interestingly, I caught the echo of wards that were built into the very walls. Old and faded magic that would have been employed when the structure was originally built to defend it from supernatural pests like me. I examined one of the old wards and found it was deliberately broken from within. I later learned from the Magus and my own readings, that when the revolutionaries seized power, they destroyed symbols of what they deemed ‘superstitions of the old order that had to be swept away’ as such things only encouraged more ignorance in their minds. Oh how little they knew. Their ignorant ideological zeal made them vulnerable, as all fanatical ideologies do.
Scouting further around the massive complex I saw more than a few examples of this, yet there were a couple that the revolutionaries missed so I avoided those.
I cautiously entered the fortress and again was careful to remain ethereal and invisible at all times. The Magus warned me that there would be not only cameras but devices he named Biometric sensors which could detect things like movement, body heat, changes in air pressure, sounds and so on. Being ethereal means I give none of those quantifiable measurements out as I am on an adjacent plane of reality, half in your world and half in the other. This allowed me to wander through the huge complex, seeking out the large meetings rooms, offices and such of the various heads of the government. Once I had prowled my way around the fortress I was satisfied that I would be able to locate my target once he had entered the building. All I had to do was wait.
Returning to my hotel room, I made my way back into the bathroom, summoned Merry who had been asleep in my bed [she was also a little drunk as she’d knocked off almost four fifths of bottle of Pertsovka while I was out and eaten all the chocolates and snacks! grrr].
I then dismissed my Simulacra, making my way back to the bed, finishing off the last few mouthfuls of that fantastic Stolichnaya Chili infused Vodka. I must get a few more bottles of that. Infused Vodka and caviar are some of the tiny few decent things this dump of a nation can actually produce well.
I rested and actually slept for the remainder of the night in my wonderfully comfortable bed. Strangely, I missed my queen sized bed back at my house. Yes this was comfortable but familiarity is a comfort in itself. Even though this was a hundred times a more luxurious room, the house where I now lived with the Magus was where I preferred to be. It was my home now. Something that I never thought would matter to me yet… strangely it does. Not only is it my home, it’s incredibly safe as it’s so unobtrusive and warded up to the Wahzoo as the expression goes.
I was not truly safe here and there were beings out there in the world who would attack me without hesitation, trying to either banish me or kill me if I was discovered. I had to be extremely careful.
My phone alarm went off at 7am local time. I rose, had a quick face wash, did my necessary ablutions, got dressed in my recently purchased sportswear then went to the hotel gym to do a workout. The Magus had already introduced me to modern gymnasiums and we started going together to his local one as a means of appearing as a regular couple who were now living together. The upside is that the Magus is slowly getting physically stronger once more. I think he has had enough of being overweight and he realises that he will have to eventually go into “the field” with me too.
Heading out of my room, I knew that had to appear as a normal guest of the hotel so as not to draw any suspicion. I also knew that the watchers would need to replace their bugs in the bathroom so I took my time in the gym, had a shower down there then had a leisurely breakfast afterwards in the main dining room. I have to say dear reader, that four and five star hotel buffet breakfasts are one of my favourite things.
Taking my time, reading the local newssheet, I lingered over coffee and some pastries, just enjoying myself. It gave me time to observe the rests of the guests as well. Almost all were furtively glancing at me, both men and women. Again, I couldn’t fault them for it. Men wanted to fuck me and women wanted to be me.
It is what it is.
I did note though there was one man who gave me a distinct, long calculating look.
He wasn’t human.
I could just tell instinctively. What he was I had no idea but he knew and I knew we weren’t who we appeared to be.
I had no intention on finding out either and I think neither did he. We shared a brief glance combined with an ever so subtle nod as though to say, I see you, and that was it. We had no reason to be in conflict, whatever he was. He ignored me after that but I kept him in my peripheral vision at all times.
I had to be more vigilantly careful from now on which sadly meant no more breakfasts at the buffet. Ah well, there was always room service.
Returning to my room I saw that the tiny hair that I had left in the door jam was now on the floor. The ‘cleaners’ had been through my room. Entering I saw that it was all made up, my dinner plates were gone, the empty bottles of alcohol had been replaced with new ones, my bed made and of course, the bugs in the bathroom reinstated. I would deal with those later. Room service is a luxury I always enjoy. Would you believe the Magus forces me to make my own bed every morning? Unnghhh… the nerve of that man!
Oh… I completely forgot to mention that we have a house cleaner back at home. A very young woman, barely 19 years of age and the daughter of one of the Magus’ friends is our regular house cleaner. Her name is Catherine and you should have heard her swear and moan when she saw the dried summoning circle that the Magus had her clean up in our basement garage. She is a feisty, fiercely intelligent, charming young woman. She suspects my true nature as she recognized the summoning circle.
Amazingly, she can be trusted [for now] as she is incredibly keen to learn the secrets of The Will and The Way. The Magus is bidding his time with her, letting her grow into early adulthood before initiating her into the arts. I think he wants to dissuade her yet he needs an apprentice as well. It will be interesting to see how this develops. What amuses me is her total lack of fear of me… for now. I will rectify that in due course one day soon and show her my true form. Then I will bind her to me so she will be MY slave and another foil in which to ultimately bring the Magus under my control.
Ahem…
Returning to the bathroom, I switched on the hair drier then I summoned Darkness so as I could to create my Simulacra once more unobserved. Those who were watching would have seen their screens go black for a few seconds then return to normal with Merry standing there, finishing drying her hair then brushing her teeth, getting ready to go out for the day sightseeing. I again went invisible and ethereal and made my way outside.
It was time.
I had learned that there would be a national cabinet meeting in an hour so I flew though the dreary, grey sky over to the red fortress.
Avoiding the few remaining wards, I breezed past sentries, guards, office workers who all felt a chill run down their spines when I passed by. You know that feeling, I learned that you calling that its as though someone was walking on your grace. In a way it is… you just haven’t been killed yet.
I waited in an obscure dusty corner, invisible and ethereal, in the massive room where my target would preside over his meeting. The man so was vain and paranoid, he made his underlings and lickspittles sit over fifty feet away from him.
In a way, I believe he was being prudent as he wanted to stay alive as long as possible and not give any of his minions and creatures a chance to slip the knife in. You know the expression, “keep your friends close but your enemies closer”?
Utter tripe! And if you practice that, having your enemies in being close to you, they will no doubt take the chance to shank you with much greater ease than before.
Keep your trusted friends close to you as they make excellent body shields for a start if you are attacked dear reader! And they’ll never suspect you will use them as human shields or bullet sponges either. Just make sure none of your other ‘close friends’ see that happen though.
There’s a life lesson for you all.
You’re welcome.
Free advice over.
Soon I could hear the nearby activity level increase as the noise level rose. Various ministers and flunkies came into the room to stand behind their desks and wait for their overlord to arrive. He took his time which I later learned was a habit of his, to make people wait for him. A small boost to his ego yet also a devilishly calculated stratagem to put people off balance as they were now frustrated and resentful for being kept waiting.
Guards in ceremonial uniforms with ludicrously enormous, peaked hats proceeded my target. Off to the side were the state media, all slavishly recording the entire event for later broadcast. I would later learn that this was all staged for the general populace, all the real business had been conducted earlier in a small room with just a few men and the overlord. I truly wonder why hardly anyone actually knows this?
Anyway…
The head of the Kleptocracy made his way to his imposing desk and chair, sat down after the national anthem was played and began speaking.
The speech was full of bluster, rhetoric and posturing. As the bard said [oh yes, I enjoy Shakespeare by the way], the speech was “Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
It was all for show. Nothing more.
After his vacuous bombastic pronouncements he took a few scripted questions from his minions which he answered in a snide, dismissive tone. Anyone could plainly see that most of the minions hated him. Only a small few actually admired and were loyal to him. It was obvious in their demeanour but more so, in their body language and the micro expressions in their faces.
I was getting bored dear reader.
I truly wished that I could just unleash CloudKill in the room, followed by a few Fireballs to liven things up. But that would be a massive signal to all supernatural beings out there and that was a big no no. I love chaos but I am not an idiot. You do not survive seventy three thousand years from being stupid.
The thought of gating in a type IV demon to liven things up crossed my mind but I’d rather not draw the attention of those in my former home, especially not my former lord either. I would be getting his attention soon enough.
After an hour or so, the meeting concluded and now I followed my target out of the ostentatious white marble room room.
Walking with his Armani suit wearing hunky bodyguards, my target made his way back to his palatial office. Entering, he dismissed his guards and went to the private bathroom that was attached to the office. I followed him in but not before locking the main door with the reverse Knock spell.
When I entered the private bathroom, I saw that it actually had it’s own bath and shower as well as a separate room for a toilet. I could hear the exhaust fan whirling away inside the toilet and the sounds of my target doing what he had gone in there to do.
I waited four steps away from the door, still ethereal and invisible for now. I was grateful that my target was not one of those people who linger after they had done their business. I mean, what is up with that? I’m a demon and even I find that disgusting! I love the phrase, “shit then get off the pot”. Makes no sense to me to squat in your own stink. Sorry… rant over.
While I waited I “Broke” the various monitoring devices in the bathroom, making it seem like a power surge killed them.
He flushed and opened the door.
I appeared in front of him, barely dressed, a see through negligee draped over my body. My eyes where as black as the depths of the pit, my lips full and promising, my pert bouncy breasts fully swollen, nipples erect, my hips widely curvaceous and my sex coyly inviting.
My target stopped and stared in stunned amazement.
“KISS ME…” I Suggested as I stepped forwards, wrapping my arms around his neck. I quickly switched the timer on my watch.
He could not resist me nor, I think, did he want to as he hungrily gathered me into his arms.
Our lips met I enveloped us in darkness and he experienced the true pleasure of the soul draining Kiss of Death from a Succubus.
Now normally we Succubi like to take our time with this. We view it as a game for us truth be told. It’s far more fun to stretch it out, corrupting the soul of our victim, turning then into our creature, our simp [ I love that word], to have them beg for our kiss and eventually we grant it to them, giving them the few seconds of bliss before the cold sets in and they feel their life essence and soul being drained from themselves.
Eighteen seconds was how long it took for me to fully suck the life and soul from my target. His initial moans of ecstasy turned hollow, fading groans of dismay and terror as died in my arms.
I could feel his soul settle within me giving me a very pleasant ‘full’ sensation, similar to the one you would experience after a sumptuous meal however the feeling I had was a hundred times more satiating than merely consuming delicious food. Demons do not have souls and consuming one allows us to feel, albeit transitory, the sensation of having a true spark of real life within us. Sadly I could not digest this soul for myself, as great as it was.
What?
Yes, even though he was a thoroughly evil human being, his soul was still extremely powerful. You don’t get to become head of a nation by being a timorous mouse of a man. You go out and become your own manifest destiny. That’s the essence behind true power, you have to have The Will to achieve it. He had it in abundance as does the Magus and other leaders and achievers. Go out and become the best you can be dear reader, you soul will be far tastier for it… for me.
So I dispatched his juicy, yummy fat soul full of power back to my former home and to my former lord. It would not go unnoticed, that was for certain.
I let my targets withered, desiccated husk of a corpse drop to the floor once I had finished, switching off my stopwatch timer afterwards.
I do so love all the wonderous devices that humanity has created. My watch allows my to do so many things but I listened to the Magus and deactivated all the connectivity before I started my mission. We would eventually get the watch fully encrypted but that’s another story. Noting the time it took, I began to think as to how faster I could be in using my kiss of death. I would obviously need practice and that would be forthcoming so very soon.
Before I returned to my ethereal and invisible state, I relieved my target of phone and his side arm, a customised Gen-5 Glock-17 which surprisingly was the preferred handgun of FSB agents. It came with two additional clips in its shoulder holster. I stripped his corpse of his clothing as well, assumed his form then leaving the bathroom, I went off to hunt down more victims.
One down, six to go.
Next to go was the Minister for Defence, the only one who could realistically replace my target as he had the backing of most of the military to call upon. I didn’t take me long to find him in his office. He was berating some underling on the phone for yet another failed assault on a particular stubbornly held city in the neighbouring nation that refused to go down and submit. I actually admire that level of grit, determination and tenacity in a people. Makes the kill far more satisfactory when I consume them.
He dismissed the flunkies with an angry shout of abuse then, once they were gone, opened up his desk drawer and pulled out a stashed bottle of booze and proceeded to neck half of the bottle down.
I made my way behind his chair then reappeared from the ethereal plane, grabbed his head in my hands and with a twist of demonic strength, snapped his neck with a swift motion. I took his phone as well.
I then went off and found the Minister of the Interior. I caught him in his private bathroom masturbating on the toilet with his phone open to animae porn. I made him kiss me as why not get a taste of the unfulfilled sexual energy as well eh? My Suggestion was almost not needed as he was desperate for my touch. Another soul was reeved, sent down to his eternal torment.
Taking his phone, I sauntered off to track down the Minister of Civil Defence. He was already half drunk when I found him. This time I decided to play a little game and see if I actually needed to use my Suggestion power.
Nope.
He went at me like an animal, trying to rip of my expensive negligee, clumsy bastard he was. I reaped his soul in under thirteen seconds because I was angry now as the doltish oaf tore a hole in my beautiful negligee. I also bit into his lips, chewing them off as he tried to break away then spat them out on his emaciated shell of a corpse. I took his wallet along with his phone, as I wanted to now use his credit cards to buy replacement. Took his diamond rings too for good measure.
My next two targets, the Minister for Foreign Affairs and the current Prime Minister were actually in the same office when I found them.
This time I took the time to change into their leaders suit, became the physical embodiment of him, appeared and shot them both in the head with their leaders pistol. Double taps as the Magus taught me. Their skulls and brains exploded with a lovely red spray over the backs of their chairs. They had no idea what had happened. I reaped their souls with an arcane clawing motion with my left hand before they had a chance to naturally depart on their natural course, which was to hell anyway but I wanted the credit for it. I smiled and waved to the security cameras them walked out into the private bathroom and disappeared.
The sound of gunfire kicked off the internal security but that’s what I wanted to happen. I could have remained stealthy however I wanted the cameras to see the leader seemingly executing, in person, two of his top men. Let chaos and confusion reign.
My final target was also in his office, on his phone, shouting in confusion as to what was going on and demanding answers. The Minister for Digital Development was startled to see his leader walk out from his own private bathroom, stride over, and shoot him in the face. Another one bites the dust! I love that song too. I was humming it to myself as I switched out magazines. I even did a little dance and sang aloud for the cameras then walked back into the bathroom as the guards charged into the room, their weapons drawn and searching for a target.
Making my way out of the red fortress was easy because… well you know what I was doing. These people relied solely on technology. They had forgotten the old ways which might have been useful in at least keeping me out of the building. I would have found other ways to complete my mission but this was the quickest way.
I dimension shifted, stepping across other planes of reality and reappeared in the capital city of the nation my target was at war with. I switched on my disposable phone, looking for the presidential palace via the wonderful navigation aid that comes with the device, and made my way there. Once I arrived [I flew as it was quicker] I went in through the walls searching for the president’s office. It took me a little while as the place was big and I hadn’t scouted I out.
When I found it, I went in. It was unoccupied at the time so I walked over to his desk, put the stolen phones on it and left a little note,
“A gift from a friend”.
Shifting back through the dimensions, I returned to my hotel but not before I contacted my Simulacra to return as well. I waited for a short while for Merry to make her way back. Once she had returned I was able to resume my identity as Ms. Cruella D’Eath and enjoy myself and watch as the nation I was staying in suddenly began to implode. It would take time of course and tensions went extremely high however, all the key players had been removed. All that was left were YesMen, underlings and minions who had no true authority. My targets “chef”, a head of a murderous mercenary army, sought to seize power but soon found himself thrown against a wall and shot by furious army officers.
Small battles were erupting as Bratva Crime bosses tried to seize military bases and set themselves up as warlords. They got a rude shock as the military, which had been cowed for years by them, suddenly fought back. The whole rotten house of cards was collapsing.
I spent one more day there, even deciding to head out at night to steal from the various luxury brand merchants that had their places of business in the city. A lock down was now in effect but that did not concern me as I drifted past the burning cars and barricades, ignoring the now running battles that had erupted in the streets. I helped myself to precious gemstones, jewellery, haute couture handbags and shoes, designer dresses, sunglasses, hats, a few nice works of art that caught my eye, plenty of top shelf Pertsovka and champagne and anything else that took my fancy. All went into my Pocket Plane for later retrieval.
I returned to my hotel, ordered a late night supper from room service, which was amazingly still operating for the time being despite the chaos that was exploding outside and sat back and enjoyed yet another bottle of champagne all to myself.
I enjoyed a truly delightful Beef Stroganoff dear reader something I had not tasted before but was recommended by the Magus that I try while here. Princess Cake was also another new experience too. Delicious!
I went to bed feeling extremely satisfied and slept exceedingly well.
The next morning I could tell that things were still bad outside. I ordered my room service breakfast, took a long bath, stole everything that was valuable in the room [I even took the bedsheets!] then summoned the manager Igor then “Broke” all the monitoring devices in my room.
He knocked loudly on my door.
“Enter,” I called out.
Igor opened the doors and entered. It looked as though he had ran to my room.
“You wanted to see me Ms. D’Eath?” with a hopeful, almost pleading look in his eyes as I walked over to where he was standing.
“Yes indeed I do, come… Kiss Me…” I said as I leaned in and gave him my special kiss.
This soul was for me. He wasn’t a particularly powerful man but tasty enough I suppose. It was a nice accompaniment to my lovely breakfast.
I took his rings and jewellery from his desiccated body, picked up my little travel suitcase and left the hotel and the now chaos racked city.
I soon found myself back in my home. I found the Magus in his office listening to the radio as he worked on learning new magic from my spell books.
“Good job Meri’. I trust everything went as planned?” he asked without evening looking up at me.
“Yes Magus. I did as you asked. I also took the opportunity to enrich myself too.”
He gave a small nod and continued to transcribe a spell from my book into his own.
“As a reward I got you something. It’s a game you can play on your laptop,” he said gesturing briefly to the spare laptop he had.
“A game? Oh… that sounds… fun…” I said half-heartedly.
A video game as my reward? I had millions of dollars worth of loot in my Pocket Plane and he gets me a cheap game? Unbelievable.
“Ahh don’t be all pouty. You like this.”
“Oh will I?”
“Yes, it’s called Succubus With Guns,” he said, still focused on his work. I could tell he was being a cheeky bastard. He had that smug air about him. I actually quite like it.
Truth be told dear reader, in the end it’s not a great game but I still had a little fun with it.
It was good to be home.

Seeking Feedback On Impact Of Letting Your Toddler Eat All the White Foods Their Heart Desires
Intentionally posting in this group vs toddler, because I feel like most OPs in the toddler groups haven't reached the stage yet where their kids are grown and have healthy/unhealthy relationship with food.
In any case, here we go: My husband and I have a set of twin girls, about to turn two in March. One of them absolutely loves protein and veggies. I say protein, because it can be meat, fish, beans, nuts etc. Ask what she wants to snack on and she'll say 'Avocado, please!' The joke is that she is a little me, as I generally eat meat and veggies and try to stay away from carbs for health reasons.
When I say health reasons, I mean that, in the past I have found I feel like 'with it' when most of my meals are carbs. This started with digestion and anxiety issues, where my doctor put me on the FODMAP diet and then I kind of played with different foods until I found what works for me. That said, I haven't been strict since I gave birth, because, let's face it, raising kids is so exhausting sometimes and like, I'm not above eating spaghetti or pizza or rice and beans for dinner. I feel it's worth noting that I'm Puerto Rican, born and raised, and carbs are basically a staple in our culture, lol. Not talking processed foods, but we love our white rice, our root veggies, our beans, etc.
My other daughter, however, is my husband. The girl loves her carbs. Pasta, bread, crackers, potatoes, etc. Like I said, we prepare all those foods in our home as our goal is to have a balanced meal and not lean too heavily one way or the other. Really trying to make sure my kids aren't in therapy when they grow up because of us for one reason or the other. In any case, the girl will only eat carbs if left up to her. So generally we'll serve the meat and veggies first, and once they've eaten and start to play with their food, an indication they're kinda full and over it, we will present the pasta or rice or whatever.
I want to pause here to say I actively follow Kids Eat In Color and Feeding Littles and those accounts are ones I strive to replicate. Our girls get fruit every day after dinner. Usually berries (strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, raspberries) or fruits like mango, nectarines, peaches, pomegranate etc. Our carb baby went through like a four month phase where she wouldn't eat any of the veggies on her plate and just let it be because we're obvs not going to force her and we knew it wasn't an indication she would never eat veggies.
But here's the other thing: We loathe the food provided at daycare and wonder if this is playing a factor. Like, yes, they'll give meatballs with pasta. Okay, fine. Not the end of the world. But every breakfast or snack is processed food. I'm talking frozen french toast sticks, frozen pancakes, peaches in high-fructose corn syrup, animal crackers, goldfish crackers, cinnamon toast raisin bread etc. And it just feels like what they're feeding them goes against everything in line with setting a good foundation with health and nutrition. And because we're not there, we assume our carb baby is just eating all the carbs and snacks and not the veggies, meaning she is effectively eating like 2-4 veggie servings a month, which does not seem healthy. And like sure, we could put them in another daycare, but my god, daycares are outrageous, and even if we wanted to (we are actively trying to find a new daycare), they all have ridiculous waitlists.
Recently she's begun to look a little pale and has like red around the eyes, so I took her to pediatrician and they said she could be anemic, which makes sense because my mom used to have to get iron shots as a young girl, and I was also borderline anemic. During my pregnancy I was hypervigilant of my iron levels because I read high blood loss was common with delivering twins and most women pregnant with twins had a higher chance of having insufficient iron levels because of how much the babies need. In the end, my iron levels were great, and the doctor told me he never saw a mother of twins with such a great iron count. But I digress.
They did a finger prick blood test and confirmed she is also borderline anemic. The pediatrician said to give her foods high in iron, but like, what if she doesn't eat them? I'm not going to force her. But I also am not going to be making like 5 different meals a night because she has decided she isn't going to eat. My husband and I are both privileged and lucky enough to work from home, so I try and start dinner in 10 minute windows so that food is ready when they get home from daycare and we can spend that time playing together instead of me or my husband making dinner. Point being, I don't want to live in the kitchen making different foods for different people. I'm too exhausted for all that nonsense.
We generally make a dish (say, beef stew or beef stroganoff, etc) with a veggie, or straight up meat with a carb and veggie (cod, salmon, quinoa, rice, etc). On some nights, she will just down the fish and veggies like a little goblin lol. But lately it's getting really hard for her to eat anything at home. Like, she know throws the eggs on the floor, and the veggies, and chicken --I think she just doesn't care for chicken in general, which is fine, i'm with her lol -- and demands banana. Like, shouts and has a tantrum for banana. In the spirit of not depriving her food, I will give her the banana, but then she either demands more banana or wont eat the stupid banana, which like, what gives?
Anyhoo, I have a friend of the family that gave into their daughter's demands as a toddler, and now she's 12-years-old and literally without any exaggeration only eats white rice or pizza. The doctors have told the parents that their daughter is nutrient deficient and just not healthy overall. And like, I don't want that. This has nothing to do with my kid being skinny or me being skinny etc. I've never been anorexic or bulimic etc. I think I just genuinely like veggies (I used to ask my mom for broccoli with cheese for breakfast as a young kid, and my mom was like, sure you little weirdo! lol) and I just.
Y'all, I know this is a long-ass post, I just feel defeated. By like the whole world. By capitalism. I hate that corporations have found a way to add sugar to everything and make people sick and then make them dependent on pharmaceuticals and then insurance companies won't cover X.Y, Z and people are left unhealthy with ridiculous medical bills instead of a world where we recognize that food is health and we can spend our hard-earned money going on vacations and spoiling our friends and family.
I've tried finding a middle ground where I sneak in the greens among the carbs. Say, macaroni noodles with kale pesto (kale, nuts, cheese, oil, basically all healthy fats except arguably the cheese, but whatever, live a little) vs say, butter pasta with a side of kale, but the minute she sees the color green, she's like, hard pass. Her sister will eat it, which makes the whole thing more frustrating. I don't want to fall into a trope of, 'See, your sister is eating it.' I don't want them to feel like we're ever comparing them or that one is better than the other.
Damn this is long. Sorry, I guess I just needed to vent. But also add the details that paint the full picture. I read the parents on here who like literally deprive their kids of any fun food, and I don't think we're those parents. On the weekends I make pancakes or french toast or we order pizza. But like, damn a veggie every now and again would be nice. I'm a first-time parent, 40-years-old, both my husband's and I's parents recently passed, and I just don't know who to turn to. I don't want a kid who is a sickly adult because of malnutrition. I also don't want to force my kids to eat anything they don't want. Halp.
So TL;DR - Do I just give in and give her all the damn bananas and bread she wants? What's the future consequence. Is it truly 'a phase' or will we be instilling poor eating habits?
​
Edit: to say, I try and incorporate them into making meals with me when possible so they feel like it's an extension of their efforts. We have introduced training chopsticks, which they love. Adult utensils. Different plates and bowls, but nada.

Special Thanks to Fayzart for the first four images, and Lonelyspook for the Last Image! This story takes place mainly in December, 2037. Theme
The slow bebop jazz of Miles Davis drifted out from behind the door of the Anemoi Cabin's counselor room.
Mackenzie was seated in a beanbag cushion styled after a fluffy cumulus cloud. As she listened to music, she jotted down a few notes. Slow, Contemplative, with bursts of lively energy?
The girl's favorite section of the Camp Half-Blood Chronicle was the band/artist review she placed at the end of the paper. Wanting to cover a variety of music styles, she had picked Miles Davis to write about for this month.
Even with her focus on the music, she could still hear the sound of faint knocking coming from below. She started to stand up, before she realized that the Cabin of the Anemoi was much more recently filled. One of her cousins could get that door.
Apparently one of them did, she noted as she heard the creek of a door and distant voices. Satisfied she returned her focus on the music. In the brief time she was not paying attention to Davis, the song had finished and transitioned to a new one. She added another comment: So what, actually, so what musically?
Suddenly the door to her private counselor quarters opened, and Robin entered the room. The daughter of Nike unzipped her winter jacket and laid it over an empty chair. She was wearing the pair of slippers Mackenzie had gifted to her last Christmas, which explained the quietness.
Robin scanned the room. "How many do you have?"
"If you mean articles, I only have this one I'm working on currently." Mackenzie reached to stop her mp3 player. There was no use working when her sister was here. "Who let you in by the way?"
Robin ignored the question. "That's not what I mean," she walked into the closest.
"What do you mean then?"
She emerged dragging an old wooden trunk to the main part of the room. "I meant your balls." With a kick, she knocked the trunk over.
Robin was half surprised by the amount of balls to have rolled out of the wooden crate. Mackenzie had spent an excruciatingly long time trying to maximize the limited space involved in the box. What seemed like an endless stream of balls poured out of the box, some simply rolled, while others had a bounce to them. Not for the first time, the room was overrun with balls.
"What was that for?" Mackenzie asked, irritated. "Besides I don't keep track, you know that."
The younger sibling grabbed a rainbow colored kickball, and sat down with it in the nearest seat. She made a show of dusting off imaginary dust from it. Once the ball was clean, she held it out inspecting it. “Do you know where you got this one from, or what you used it for?"
Mackenzie shook her head. "No. Do you?"
Robin shrugged as she tossed it underhanded to Mack. Mackenzie easily caught it. She gave the ball a small squeeze, realizing it was partly deflated; she started using her wind powers to inflate the ball.
Robin stood up, and walked over to a larger ball with a soccer printing. "How bout this one? Who's this one from?"
Mackenzie frowned in thought. "A child of Circe? Elizabeth or Ella?"
"Half credit for that one, I say." She kicked the ball towards Mackenzie.
Mackenzie set the kickball she had just been inflating to the side as she stopped the larger soccer beach ball.
"Third times the charm, right?'" The younger blonde strolled over to a pink vinyl ball with cartoon drawings of monsters that had gotten stuck in the corner. "Same question as before. Who got you this one?"
She picked it up and looked at the cartoon monsters. "Pretty cute.”
"I don't need to guess, it was Katie Deacon, a daughter of Phobos, who got it for me. We went to the City, before when they used to have the weekend trip to the city.” She asserted confidently.
"And ding ring ring! We have a winner. But a 50 percent batting record isn't good." She dropped the ball and finally walked over to sit across from Mack. “The first ball you used for kickball for a lesson no one showed up with, Emily was that daughter of Circe, and you got the last one correct.”
"I didn't have a perfect memory. So what?"
"It's December." Robin provided neutrally, as if she hadn't been just quizzing Mackenzie on her knowledge of past events.
"Okay and?"
"Toys for Tots is going on for kids who aren't fortunate enough to get a Christmas present this year."
Mackenzie's eyes widened in disbelief as she finally understood what her sister had been getting at.
"You want me to donate my balls to charity for Christmas?"
Robin nodded.
"Why?!"
"Cause you have a problem. Even Linus gave up his blanket. And I guess you would like to help out the Montauk community rather than just throwing them in the landfill."
“I don’t have a problem. You don’t need to compare me to Linus.”
“Both of you bring a security blanket wherever you go. Aren’t you a little old for it?”
“It’s not wherever I go.”
“It’s still over a good 60 percent of the time, or when you’re nervous. Besides, what are you gonna do in college and beyond? Have a ball on your desk when you’re answering questions for a test? Camp doesn’t mind you bringing balls wherever you go, because we’re all a little crazy, but the mortal world certainly will mind.”
The idea of having any sort of toy at her desk during some sort of academic lecture did seem kinda juvenile. Mackenzie had to admit that Robin was partly right. “Still, I don’t wanna donate them. All those kids will do is get their boogers all over them, and eventually end up popping them."
"Really?"
"Yes Really. They would be ungrateful too."
"Not at all," Robin insisted, "I went to Sofia's house. It was in a bad part of town. She wasn't well off like us. Her closet was nearly empty. She didn't have much of anything. The day we had at the family center in Montauk was a once in a few years event, I would guess. There were worse houses in the neighborhood, I bet they have kids that are lucky when their parents are home Christmas Eve and Christmas Day instead of working at some crappy job. Maybe this year their parents worked extra hard so they could have a special dinner. Imagine if they received one of your balls. Think how happy they’ll be."
Mackenzie scowled, not willing to admit defeat, even if images of joyful kids waking up on Christmas day playing with one of her balls, flashed through her head. "I don't see you donating any of your things. Why are you telling me to donate?”
"Actually I will be. I've picked some shirts I don't wear anymore to give away."
"But… but" Mackenzie struggled to come up with a reply, but both knew that Robin had her beat. As the realization sunk in, she looked absolutely heartbroken. She wasn't afraid to let the hurt show on her face.
"Hey it's okay," Robin comforted as embraced her sister, "I know this is really hard. I'm with you every step of the way. You already gave that watermelon ball to Deklyn and Brandon as a going-away gift. It wasn’t so bad then, right? I got you.”
Mackenzie didn't say anything as she hugged back. She was just grateful for the love her sister showed her.
"Plus, you don't need to get rid of all your balls. I'm not forcing you to do that. Just the majority."
“I want to keep ten of them.”
"I was thinking three or four as a good number. The ones you feel are really special."
"Why?"
Robin shrugged. "It's a nice manageable amount. Less than five, more than two."
"I guess I can restart my collection from four of them," Mackenzie acquiesced.
"That's part two of this. You're not gonna attempt to get any more or accept any given to you."
Mackenzie's jaw-dropped. The upset emotions she was feeling earlier was pittance compared to what she was feeling now. "W-what? W-why?" She stammered.
"Cause I know you, in less than a year, we'd be doing this all over again."
"A-and i-if I p-pop one of t-them?"
"Then you'll be down to three of them, Come on Mack. Don't make me get a Styx oath out of you."
Mackenzie steeled herself. “No, styx oath. Alright."
Robin gave a sweeping gesture, presenting the room to her. "They're all here, so why don't you get started?"
The first ball Mackenzie went for was already out before Robin had released all the others. It was by her sleeping hammock where she had left it earlier this morning. It was composed of six white panels and six panels of transparent green, pink, and blue, and was nearly measured up to her knees. The most noticeable feature was the red owl emblazoned onto the ball. She made a beeline for it as soon as she spotted it, picked it and tucked it into her hammock.
"This one!"
Autumn 2035
"You're getting good at that," Robin commented, clearly impressed as she watched Mackenzie twirl the jumbo sized, red owl, beachball on her fingers.
"Well, I've only been practicing since I got it," Mackenzie replied, still keeping her focus on the revolving ball.
"Thinking of going professional?" Robin asked.
Mackenzie snorted in amusement, and it was only then she became distracted from her activity. The ball ceased spinning, falling off her pointer finger. It bounced forward on the ground before them.
Mackenzie rushed forward. She reached out and grasped her ball before it could get away from her. "Hah!"
Setting the ball in a gentle bounce, she addressed Robin's question. "Well considering I managed to fumble it when you made me laugh, maybe not yet."
"Yeah, but you made it an hour, that's still good."
"Well you know what they say, practice makes perfect."
And indeed, she would be sure to practice over the coming months. It was a relaxing task, to focus on nothing but the spinning of her ball. And over the later months, she would continue to hone this ability.
"So when did you start trying to learn? Cause I still think you made good progress."
"Just a week after the Olympics."
Robin nodded in understanding.
"I don't think I've seen you this enamored with a ball since your giant watermelon beach ball."
“That was a good ball, but this one is way better.”
“Why?”
“I don’t like watermelons, and the owl makes the ball unique from all the similarly designed balls out.”
“That doesn’t seem like all?”
“It has a good bounce too,” Mackenzie grinned.
“You say that about all your balls, are you even sure you have a system in place to measure that?”
“Sure I do. But it goes up on the list cause Parrie spent the whole day playing with us. And I think that since she had it as a younger kid, its specialer to me”
“Hah! I won that game of four square we played.”
“I’m pretty sure I won that game. You’re misremembering.”
Robin gave a wry smile. “I’m pretty sure Parrie won that one.”
“Okay, I can agree with that,” the daughter of Aeoolus conceded.
“It’s too bad she left, think she’ll be back?”
“I’m not sure.” Mackenzie frowned, reaching out to grab her ball, and gave the ball a hug to try and comfort herself. “Maybe.”
The daughter of Nike winced as she noticed the pain expression on her sister’s face. “Bad question to ask.”
“It’s fine,” Mackenzie said, her voice crestfallen as she thought about the friend who had gone home. “Do you think Barry’s gonna go on another quest this year, like he did last time?” The girl asked; a small part of her could admit that she wanted to get back at her sister.
Robin stopped in her tracks as she stopped to consider the mean-spirited question genuinely. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he did. Why can’t he just stay here? Albert could’ve found another Oneiroi kid to go help him, y’know? He leaves too much.” The blonde girl said bitterly.
There was tension in the air as the girls continued their walk. Mackenzie was silent as she balanced the ball on her finger as she spun the ball again. The red of the owl painted on the ball glimmered and shined in the forest as it quickly rotated. The owl almost seemed to be flying.
“Okay, new topic. Volleyball yes or no when we arrive at the equinox celebration?” Like every year, Camp celebrated the fall equinox, and this was no different. There would be scrumptious food, and merriment as Chiron and Mr. D hosted a barbecue. Mackenzie had been looking forward to this for a while. She was already tasting a juicy steak, sizzling and hot right off the grill, in her mouth.
Robin looked relieved as the moment of bitter silence finished. “Soccer. Always soccer. I thought you would say that.”
“I would say that.” Mackenzie chuckled, “soccer it is.”
They would be arriving at the hill where the barbecue would be hosted any moment now, both knew.
“About Barry and Parrie? I don’t wanna beat a dead horse.” Mackenzie blinked some tears away as she began to softly sing, “Make new friends and keep the old ones. One is gold while the other is silver.” This tune was one of the few campfire songs that hadn’t been from Greek mythology, in fact, it had been adopted by the Girl Scouts. It was a personal favorite of hers.
“Yeah, you’re right. I’m sure there'll be some new campers who will come.” Robin offered, before getting a playful, yet mischievous smile on her face. With a sudden motion, Robin backhanded the spinning ball off towards the equinox party.
With her enhanced speed, she took off, running towards the ball and the party. “Come on. Enough chit-chatting. The last one there is monster chow!”
“Hey, no fair!” Mackenzie called as she started to chase after the cheeky daughter of Nike. “You got a head start!” She quickly used a gust of wind blowing from behind to propel herself faster.
“Nuh-huh.” Robin dismissed, not looking back, still focused on running.
“Thanks for asking, Lady Nike, to fill it up for you, and not getting smited in the process.” the girl murmured under her breath. Indeed, Robin, during the prize ceremony, had braved asking her mother to make the ball magical as a birthday gift to her sister. Nike hadn’t been forthcoming in enchanting the toy, but she had allowed her breath to be captured in the beach ball. This was among the other reasons she loved the ball; logically she knew the breath was just a breath, but it was hard not to imagine that the ball bounced higher and was better to play with.
Thanks to her head start, Robin managed to beat Mackenzie in their race, arriving at the barbecue. She scooped up the ball, and turned to wait until Mackenzie had caught up to her. She offered the ball out, and Mackenzie gratefully accepted it.
“Come on, let’s get some food and get to celebrating!” Mackenzie suggested as she took one look at the red owl on her ball. The snowy owl was quickly becoming her favorite animal.
"Okay, which one is next?" Robin prompted, watching her sis, half curious to see which other balls Mackenzie would keep.
The daughter of Aeolus was tempted to go for another beach ball. After all, they were her favorite type. Why shouldn't she keep four of the same type. But she changed her mind.
Her eyes roamed the room again, analyzing her choices. There!
Winter 2036
Mackenzie and Robin had started the day in the Nike cabin, it was not strictly allowed by the Harpies but this was not the first time such sleepovers occurred; and the Nike cabin was nearly empty anyway. Similar to the Hermes cabin, the Nike cabin had separate rooms for its occupants. There were two beds for room, but Mackenzie and Robin preferred snuggling on the same bed, even if the bed felt small.
It was snowing, so they pulled on snow boots, snow pants, and winter jackets for a brisk walk to the dining pavilion. An early breakfast of sausage, avocado toast and fried tomatoes. It was a scrumptious meal indeed, if not a little exotic (and the result of a sisterly dare). There were few other campers up this early, probably Pandia kids who were about ready to head off to bed or early bird Apollo risers. If there was a usual Christmas feast, they didn't attend.
Braving the cold, they returned to the Nike cabin and changed into soft T-Shirts and lounge pants. Certainly other campers were doing the same on this winter Holiday.
“For our first viewing pleasure today,” Robin announced as she stood in front of the TV in the Nike Common Room, “we have Die Hard.” She said, revealing the Blue Ray DVD box with a flourish. She quickly opened the case with a satisfying clack, grabbed the disk and inserted it into the DVD player.
For the next two hours, the two siblings enjoyed watching cop John McClane fighting German terrorists at Nakatomi Plaza in LA. “Yippee Ki Yay!” Hans Gruber did a really good job as the classy main bad-guy, but neither Robin nor Mackenzie could stop the satisfaction of seeing the villain fall off the top of the Skyscraper at the end of the film.
"Presents." Mackenzie said with the seriousness of a judge deciding a criminal’s punishment. The siblings stood up, they headed back upstairs to Robin's room upstairs. Mackenzie grabbed a gift wrapped box with silver sparkly snowflakes while Robin grabbed a gift bag with light blue tissue paper concealing whatever was inside. Rather than having to return to her own cabin, Mackenzie had brought her gift over the night before.
They returned to the couch, sitting across from each other, gifts for each other in front of them.
"You wanna go first, or me?" Mack asked.
Robin nodded. "Def me first." Mackenzie scooted the silver box down the couch while Robin moved the other gift to the floor.
"Ooh I like the silver," Robin took a moment to enjoy the silver snowflake wrapping.
Robin was efficient as she tore into the wrapping paper. She revealed a brown nondescript box.
Mackenzie smirked. "You'll have to work harder than that."
“Hmph.”
Not wasting any time, she opened the box as quickly as she could. She reached in to feel something firm and furry. She pulled out a soft pair of slippers. They were a pair of soft soled tan moccasins with white accenting fur.
"I know your feet get cold despite the carpeted floor." Mackenzie explained.
The daughter of Nike slipped the moccasins on, marveling at the comfort. "They fit as snug as a bug, thank you." Robin could imagine wearing them on cold mornings.
She crawled over and embraced her sister in a quick hug before returning to her seat.
"Okay your turn." Robin said as she retrieved the present and offered it to Mackenzie.
"Thank you." The older girl took the bag and shook it. She wasn't sure if she could hear anything but the crumple of the bag.
She pulled out the blue tissue wrapping paper, and set it sailing over the cabin with a small breeze of wind. "Windflyyyy"
It shouldn't have come as a surprise to her when she saw a ball at the bottom of the bag. She let the ball roll out to land gently in her lap. The ball was yellow in color, with a blue stripe splitting the hemispheres in half and a red star on each star.
"Not just looks like it, it is." Robin corrected, "look on the other side."
Following her directions, Mackenzie rolled the ball in her lap to inspect the other side. On the other side of the ball was a small orange patch right on the blue stripe. It looked surprisingly stable, and Mackenzie wondered if Robin had gotten the assistance of a forge kid or a magic kid to really fix it. The patch gave the ball character, Mackenzie decided.
She only noticed she was crying when a tear rolled down her cheek and splashed onto the ball. She wiped furiously at her eyes, trying to stop the tears. Her emotions were just overextended right now.
This wasn’t any ball, it had survived unblemished for nearly five years until one of Aput's icicles had pierced it. It was her first ball, the one her parents had given her right before they had died, the one she had arrived at camp all those years ago. She hugged it, in an attempt to calm down.
“I’m good,” she eventually said.
Of course, after getting such a ball, it was almost mandatory that a game of catch be played. A chance for Mackenzie to regain her bearings and relax. Neither girl wanted to leave the cabin, so they stood in front of the couch, tossed and caught the ball with a single hand. It was a much tamer game than they usually had. But it satisfied Mackenzie enough.
Afterwards, the two settled back on the couch. Their catching game wasn’t physically demanding, but the sun was already setting. It was obvious that Demeter was mourning the loss of Persphone.
“It’s your turn Mack, you gotta set up the movie. I did the last one."
Mackenzie only shook her head. “It's comfy here though.”
“Yeah, the sooner you get up and start it, the sooner we can snuggle again.”
“Fiiine,” Mackenzie said getting up, and with sham emphasized reluctance, she marched over to the TV and switched the DVD disks out. She shot a thumbs up, smiled and returned to the blanket, her sister, and the sofa.
Clicking the button on the remote, she started It’s Christmastime, Charlie Brown, another classic christmas music. Vince Guaraldi’s smooth jazz played over the speakers. While Die Hard was an intense action flick, Charlie Brown was more of an introspective reflection on the modern Christmas holiday. Overly jovial Christmas movies were too obnoxious.
Sometime halfway in the movie, when Linus was proclaiming the true meaning of the Christmas holiday, it had started to snow outside. Big white wispy snowflakes were starting to fall down.
"Merry Christmas Mack," Robin said, her voice barely above a whisper. In this rare calm night in the Nike Cabin, it felt weird to disrupt it.
"Merry Christmas Robin," Mack wished in the same volume as her sister used as she snuggled closer to her sister.
Soon enough, on the TV, the credits to the Peanuts Charlie Brown Christmas special were starting to scroll down the screen. Mackenzie’s favorite scene was at the beginning when the kids were ice-skating, and Robin’s was the scene at the end where the kids all sang around the Christmas Tree that Charlie Brown had decorated.
“Thanks for making this day the best,” Mackenzie offered as watched the snow drift slowly down. It was a pretty light.
“Of course!”
Mackenzie lazily finger drummed on her ball as it rested in her lap.
“Robin?”
“Yeah?” She answered sleepily.
“What do you think it would’ve been like if we grew up together with our parents, in Chicago? And went to camp much later, like when we were 16 instead of early tweens.”
Robin was silent for a long while, and Mackenzie wasn’t sure if she would answer.
“Why don’t you tell me? You knew our parents better?” The girl finally asked.
Mackenzie closed her eyes to see the visions playing out in her head.
“Well, you would wake me up at a gods-early hour, considering how early you wake up generally, and in turn we would race down the hall into our parents bedroom. They would wake up, and insist until a more reasonable hour so we’d go do something quiet, like look at the presents under the tree and only manage another half an hour. We’d wake them up again, and they would awaken and good-naturedly complain. And then we would have to wait more when they get breakfast made and a crackling fire in the fireplace. Pancakes, sausages, and milk for both of them while they had coffee. Finally, after our patience had worn form, all of us would be seated in the living room. There would be so many presents, both under a fully decorated tree with so many ornaments and in stockings. First we would go around, opening up the presents in the stockings and then finally get to the big gifts under the tree. We would’ve probably teamed up to get each of them something. We wouldn’t worry about monsters, we wouldn’t know how to fight, and our biggest worries would be if we did well on a silly book report English essay or how well we were doing on the local soccer team.”
“That sounds nice,” Robin hummed.
“Yeah,” Mackenzie agreed, giving a wry smile. A small moment of silence passed between them.
Despite everything, Mackenzie and Robin, two sisters that were separated at birth, had managed to find each other again, by circumstance and a little bit of luck. They were both better for it.
Eventually, the two sisters managed to get comfy enough to sleep on the couch, snuggling close. It was a tight close fit, but they could manage, at least for this year. In the darkened cabin, Mackenzie glanced one more time at the yellow ball fit snugly in her grasp.
“Good night Robin.”
“Good night Mackenzie.”
The two siblings were soon in Hypnos's embrace.
"Are you sure we can't just call this a day?" Mackenzie pleaded. She hoped her voice didn't sound too whiny. Still looking, Mackenzie knew this gambit would fail, but she had to try.
Robin’s heart panged for her sister, but she knew this needed to be done. "You think that will work?”
"Yes," Mackenzie answered too quickly.
Robin just leveled a look at the older girl.
"Fine, yes, I am."
"Honesty is the better policy."
Mackenzie's only answer was a shrug as she picked her third ball.
Spring 2037
"She shoots…" Mackenzie gave her inflatable globe a hard kick, aiming at the goal.
If the weather would cooperate, perhaps the ball would roll past Robin's mighty defenses. She would just have to hope. Robin had been playing a strong defense today.
Robin was quick, but not quick enough as the ball sailed past her into the red goal.
"And she scores!" Mackenzie cheered. She had just won the game winning point in their one-on-one soccer match.
Camp had been cloudy for a few days now, but today at last it was raining. Despite the downpouring rain, Mackenzie and Robin decided to spin at least some of their time outside. Being cooped up in the cabin would just be miserable for both siblings.
The daughter of Aeolus used a handy guess of wind to blow her ball back, before she had flopped down on the damp grass. All that running around made her exhausted.
It was one of the few days that it had rained at camp. Recently, it had just been gray.
Robin settled down, lying in the grass beside her. The rain didn’t bother either of the young girls.
"So I think the soccer nets worked well," Mackenzie said.
"I agree. Hey! Remember that map lesson I did. When I was still a counselor?" Robin asked suddenly.
"Yeah?"
"Remember how we had that intro for your lesson where I asked about having a map, and you rolled that ball over to me?"
Well technically, it hadn’t been the same ball. Ashton had accidentally popped that ball with his vines, but V2 was identical.
"I do!" Mackenzie's eyes lit up at the fun memory.
Robin reached over and grabbed the giant ball. "It was downright corny!"
"No, it was ingenious." Mack argued back.
"Corny. What are we? Some sort of two girl comedy troupe?"
"Well if we were, we would do an amazing job."
"We would," Robin agreed. She held the ball out overhead and studied the spherical map of the world. “Did you know the world isn’t exactly a hundred percent round? It is actually an oblate”
Mackenzie did a double take as she looked over to Robin, who looked somewhat gleeful to be providing that new piece of information to her dear sister. Not literally, she was popping Mackenzie’s bubble.
“My life’s been a lie!” Mackenzie fretted with faux drama.
“Relax,” Robin told her, “your ball works well enough, and you still enjoy it, right?”
Mackenzie nodded.
“Yeah, then go with that.”
“I suppose I will have to.” The daughter of Aeolus couldn’t help but grumble.
“Besides, new countries are created all the time. The last country to be created was South Sudan back in the early 2010s. I’m sure we might see a few countries rearrange themselves in our life. You’ll have to edit it with a sharpie then.”
Mackenzie snorted in faint amusement. “Easy enough. Did you learn that in your geography class?”
“Yup!” Robin answered proudly. The class had been mostly engaging, though she was upset that she was required to memorize so many countries, states and capitals. Who even needed to know the capital of Alaska was Juneau. Mr. Martison was a good teacher.
Robin returned to studying the ball. She wasn’t as obsessed as her sister, but she was impressed with the construction of the ball. Not only did it seem of solid construction, but the ball had a topographical labeled map of the entire globe. The ball must have been intended for a learning aid in the classroom. Obviously, it wasn’t fulfilling that intended goal as Mackenzie became its owner. "New topic. If you could visit anywhere when you're older, where would you go?"
"That's a tough question," Mackenzie hedged as she pondered it, "maybe Paris? We can see the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower and Arc De Triomphe. What about you?"
"I guess Japan, Tokyo? They really have a cool culture.”
“Turning Japanese, are we?”
“I really think so!” “Okay, it’s decided, we’ll go to France and Japan when we’re older.” Mackenzie used a bit of wind to blow the ball in Robin’s yielding grasp.
“Great plans of mice and men often go awry.”
Mackenzie leveled a look at her sister. “Hey. Stop. If we actually put our minds together, we could actually form a two girl performing troupe, and we could go to Japan, France, or even Egypt if we wanted to. Together we could climb any mountain, and jump any crevice. Crappy stuff will happen, knowing my luck, but we have to believe we can surpass that.”
Robin nodded, her tone solemn. “Okay Mack, I believe you. By the power of sisterhood we’ll do it.”
“Not just sisterhood Robin,” Mack tapped her finger on the ball’s surface, right on New York, “Okay, yeah a little bit our own bond, but there’s something else going on. It’s cause of camp. It’s helped us to survive, with teaching us how to fight and the other lessons counselors put on. All those older campers who helped when I was younger, their lessons I’ll never forget.”
“Yeah, so many people have been a great help to me, Caspian, Lukas, Cassie.” Robin grinned. “Okay, what other plans do you have, oh wise one of futures?”
Mackenzie twirled her ball in with both her hands as she pondered Robin’s question. “I want to get into a journalism college after College. Be a snappy news hound.”
While Robin seemed dismissive of Mackenzie’s plans before, now she didn’t. “I’m not actually sure what I want to study, but I know I’ll go to whatever school we choose. Together.”
“Together.”
The daughter of Aeolus looked up at the two red soccer nets that were still in place. “Okay, do we want another round of soccer, or should we go inside?”
This was Mackenzie’s last choice, and she froze in her place. The choice paralysis was overwhelming. There were so many great balls to choose from.
She had looked back to the balls resting in her hammock. Two beach balls and a smaller vinyl one. She still wanted variety so no more beach balls or play balls.
Well, she could always borrow a soccer ball or basketball from Camp's storage. So that ruled out a significant portion of her collection.
Her purple hopper ball was relatively unadorned compared to her other three balls. It joined the other three balls on her hammock, "I'm keeping this one. With the understanding that when I outgrow it, I'm replacing it with a larger one."
"I’ll agree to that, but are you sure you want to choose that one?"
"Is the sky blue?" Mackenzie smirked.
Summer 2037
There were so few places in camp to find a suitable spot for chalk murals, and so she and Robin had co-opted one of the basketball courts by right of first-come-first-serve.
It really was turning out to be a marvelous morning; the sun was out, but the weather was cooled thanks to the gentle breeze that was sent by her father. These were the last few dog days of summer, in the coming weeks, the days would cool, the days would shorten, and the leaves on the trees would turn beautiful shades of red, orange, and yellow.
Another bonus of the day was that she had been well rested thanks to sleeping in the comfort of her hammock last night. After the climactic battle of the Son of Metis, the one where she had lost her right arm, she was stayed at the medic cabin. It was not what she was used to. The healers at camp wanted to make sure that her wounds were properly healing. But sleeping in the medic cabin was always difficult, given the heavy mood that lingered. Even after the camp doctors had been satisfied with her body’s recovery, and allowed her to sleep in the Anemoi cabin, she still didn’t have a chance to sleep in her own hammock. The way up to her father’s area was via ladder, and while she was used to traversing the ladder like a mountain goat clambering about on high rocks, the sudden removal of body mass had the effect of confusing her distribution-of-weight. Her body was also its healing processes. Nectar and ambrosia could only help so much. So she prayed to Eurus in hopes for his understanding to not be smited if she used his wing. Sleeping in the eastern wing of the cabin was an improvement over the medic cabin, but even then she still wished for the comfort of her own hammock.
Suffice to say, last night, after she had completed the climb to the top, it was near heavenly to sleep.
“So how’s that arm treating ya?” Robin asked as she finished the ball-hop-scotch squares she had drawn. The court was littered with various drawings done by both siblings.
“Well, it’s definitely nicer. I don’t need to struggle with using only my left. I can feel the weight of my arm. It’s not normally something you have to feel the weight of, and I think it's slightly slower.”
Despite her complaints, her new arm was more useful than bother. It just would have some time for her to get comfortable with it. No matter how high-tech Carson made the purple prosthetic, she doubted it would be able to match the complexity of a normal arm.
“Are you using your scar cream?” Robin checked. She would always look out for Mackenzie, no matter what.
The doctors had given the cream to her. Mackenzie wasn’t sure how much of it actually helped, but she knew the complete healing was going to be slow. She would wear long sleeved shirts for her now. “Of course I am."
“I already discovered that the winds don’t seem to respond to that arm in the slightest. I guess I’m more like Darth Vader now who can’t use force lightning” she said, trying to deflect with humor.
Robin gave a cheeky smile, deciding to play along. “But unlike him you didn’t actually need to get burned with lava.”
“Hey, don’t jinx it.” The girl lightly warned. Fate was fickle.
“Okay,” Robin acknowledged before scooting to the edge of the basketball court. “It’s done, it should be ready.”
Mackenzie didn’t need to be told twice, she giggled with joy as she bounced in each of the chalk squares. These last few months have been difficult, and it felt nice to forget about those problems and focus on the modified-hopscotch game Robin and her had devised.
“This is the maiden voyage right?” Robin asked, as she watched from the grass. “Is the ball’s bounce good?”
Mackenzie didn’t stop her bouncing to answer the question. “It’s great! Thomas and Thea know to pick out a good ball. Don’t think I could pick a better one myself.”
The girl frowned as a pang of sadness briefly shot through her heart. Even a year after her death; and her grief was still potent. Acknowledge the pain… accept it… and move on Mackenzie repeated her personal mantra.
“You look like you’re enjoying yourself.” Robin observed as Mackenzie landed in the seventh chalk circle.
“Yeah! February was too snowy, spring felt like a hectic time, so this is my first chance with it.”
“When are you gonna let me have a go on it?”
“Just a few more minutes,” Mackenzie insisted. After she had some more bounces she got off the ball and tossed it by the handle to the other girl.
Laying on her stomach she watched as Robin began to ride around the basketball court.
"I'm surprised that you haven't gotten a second hopper yet. You’ve had the time to get one." Robin commented.
"Yeah, but then Thea's and Thomas's won't be special."
"I guess that's true. It's both of their gifts you decided?"
"It's only fair. Thomas put as much care into it as she did."
They took turns bouncing, and doodling more chalk drawings, for about 30 minutes. Robin's grumbling stomach indicated they should grab lunch.
"I could go with some stroganoff," Robin said, already salivating the rich meal.
"Tell you what. I'll put this back," she lifted up the purple chalk covered ball, "and then meet you for lunch."
Her sister hummed in agreement. “Sounds good to me. I got the chalk, and can meet you at lunch."
It was a morning well spent.
At lunch she would learn she had been chosen to go on a quest to New Argos. But that wasn't now. She could worry about that later. Now she brushed off some of the chalk dust that was on her ball, waved to her sister. She would see her again soon at lunch.
"I'm proud of you. I know making those choices wasn't the easiest." Robin's voice was genuine and caring.
Mackenzie looked at the room with an a longing stare. This was the last time she would have so many balls in the same room. She wanted to keep this memory.
"I can help you deflate the remaining ones, and we go tomorrow."
"Yeah that sounds a-alright." It was far too late to say no in this process. Robin reached out to give her sister another sympathetic hug.
The next half hour was spent in companionable silence demigods worked on deflating each of the balls, and putting them into a neat pile. Mackenzie was a pro at the repetitive actions, despite how dismaying it was to her.
"I want to be left alone for the remainder of the day. I'll see you later" Mackenzie curtly said after the task was completed.
"Okay. Have a goodnight" Robin replied, before she left the cabin.
Alone in her room again, Mackenzie glanced out the window briefly. She figured that there was about another half hour left of the sun's rays, and then it would be time for bed. It would still be early but the events of the late afternoon had left her drained.
She took the four balls that rested in the hammock and placed them in the center of the room. She sat on her purple hopper ball, tucked her Luxo ball under her shoulder and held her red-owl ball with her organic hand. It was a shame she couldn't physically interact with her globe ball, but trying to sit on two balls while holding two others would be a feat only a contortionist could do. For now she would just have to be content with its close proximity. For a while she just continued to hold her toy balls. She relaxed as she felt the vinyl and rubber of the toys. Well, what she could feel from her fleshy hand, anyway. She still missed feeling stuff with her prosthetic.
This was her life now apparently.
Shifting her grip on the owl ball, and with a snap of the wrist she started to twirl the ball on her left pointer finger. No matter how many times she had attempted the skill recently, the ball would not stay up. She had been too used to using her right hand. Her prosthetic could help with several tasks, but not this. But this time, when the ball started to spin, it managed to stay balanced on top of her finger. Her gaze was fixed on the red owl.
But maybe, she could be content with these four balls.

I (mid 20sF) am getting married. We have sent out our invites and they are slowly starting to come back to us. We have family across the globe and with our postal service strikes, we decided to send them out early.
We invited one of our friends (mid 20s F) and her partner (late 20s M). Her partner has been difficult. When we sent out the invites, he called me asking if the options on the invite, were the only ones available. The options are grilled salmon with a lemon and caper sauce, grilled chicken or mushroom stroganoff. The salmon and chicken come with baby potatoes and seasonal vegetables. I told him these were the only options, and we wouldn't be adding more but they can be amended if he has a dietary preference - one of our guests is a dairy free vegetarian and the stroganoff is being made vegan for them. He said he didn't like fish or mushrooms and thinks chicken is a bit plain for a wedding before settling on the chicken. A couple days later, he calls to change his mind and decides he will have the salmon. He then proceeded to jump between all 3 options a couple times, each time finding a reason to why he didn't want it (Salmon tastes too fishy, the chicken will be dry, stroganoff is too heavy for a wedding meal, etc).
This morning, I got a call from my caterer (who is his partner's brother), and he's contacted her asking if she can make him his own specific meal. He's asking for an expensive steak, vegetables, boiled potatoes and peppercorn sauce. I'll admit I kind saw red and called him annoyed that he tried to go around me and order what he wanted. The caterer laughed at him and told him that he had the options available and just to pick one. When I called him, I told him that he will be having the chicken and that if he doesn't like it then he can just go without as I won't have him calling the caterer to order something completely different. He wasn't happy when I told him, he argued I was being a bridezilla and that I needed to get off my high horse. His partner has also been in touch, constantly sending me messages about how I know that he needs to have 'proper' meat at every meal otherwise he's sick and that fish and chicken won't sustain him, and that 'it's just one steak, it's not like he's asking you to serve him a cow.' It's ridiculous, he can go without red meat for one meal, it won't kill him.
AITA for suggesting that he gets what he is served or goes without?
Edit: Sorry, I wrote this when tired. The caterer is the friend's brother. He said no to making a steak, he's not a fan of the partner - can't imagine why (sarcasm). The friend and her partner have tried again to get him a steak, I've told them that she's welcome to attend but he is no longer invited. She's not coming to the wedding and as far as I can tell, she had blocked me on social media. Oh well, she clearly wasn't the friend I thought she was if she was this upset over a steak.

I got the app about a month ago and have been using it each week, with a few exceptions for moving. I thought I would share some thoughts on the meal packs I've tried so far.
Before downloading the app, I was ordering in most days or eating things like veggie ramen+egg and microwave curries+rice. I was definitely not getting enough veg and I was getting tired of how high my food spending had gotten.
I hope this is helpful for anyone else considering trying some vegetarian meal packs. Also, please, point me to some reviews to help me choose my next pack.
Note: I'm a millennial American living in Chicago. I am vegetarian.
Cheap & Cheerful
This app contains a Curried Cauliflower Cheese & Rice Bake, a Broccoli and Cheddar Orzo, and Courgette Fried Noodle with Sesame Chili Crunch.
I'm starting with this because it is one of the few packs I didn't cook everything in. I tried two packs that week and did the scheduling thing, which led to some recipes being marked for the same day and then getting hidden. And then I ended up having a lot of meet-ups with friends that delayed cooking days and ultimately ended up wasting food.
That said, I did make the Curried Cauliflower Cheese & Rice Bake. This was really easy to do and very tasty. I love being reminded of how much I enjoy cauliflower in things. All of the ingredients were very easy to get.
I live alone and so eat the second serving as lunch the next day. This reheated easily and was just as good.
Faster Food
This is actually the first meal pack I tried. I was moving from bad habits and thought the low prep times would help. Honestly, though, the taste overall is what helped.
In this pack were Sesame Cacio e Pepe Pasta and Peas, Creamy Broccoli and Ginger Soup with Spicy Naans, and Speedy Mushroom Stroganoff.
Until Sidekick, I never ate peas if I could help it (wasn't a fan of mushy peas growing up and I generally dislike sweet vegetables) and I never kept ginger in my fridge.
All of the these recipes were, as promised, quick and easy.
Of these, I liked the stroganoff the best. I did have to figure out replacements for chestnut mushrooms (I think I used shiitake mushrooms) and creme fraiche (available nowhere; I used sour cream), though. The recipe says this is mustard heavy, but I didn't get a strong mustard flavor. The emphasis, for me, was the mushrooms and onions--both flavors I greatly enjoy. This was so rich and filling, though, that was I was barely able to finish a portion at a time. It reheated well the next day.
My second favorite was the pasta. Pasta is almost always a winner. I added extra black pepper because it is one of my favorite flavors. The part of this recipe that stumped me, though, was the use of a kettle. I have never owned a kettle. Since it keeps coming up in recipes, though, I've put one on my Christmas list.
The creamy broccoli and ginger soup was good, but could have used more ginger, I think. The soup wasn't completely smooth (I suppose I should have blended longer?) and not quite filling. The naan was delicious, though. This is the one time I didn't quite have enough for leftovers. I had to bulk out the rest of the soup the next day with other ingredients to make a good lunch.
Fresher Blends
The pack has Pea Soup with Gremolata, Green Mac and Cheese, and Crispy Mushrooms with Curried Cauliflower Puree. Of this, I didn't make the Cauliflower Puree. I did this pack the same week as the Cheap & Cheerful pack and this recipe just got lost in the scheduling mechanism and put off due to other obligations. I look forward to trying it again in the future.
I adored the gremolata, but wasn't too fond of the pea soup. But, again, that is because I'm not super fond of sweet vegetables. The soup really showcases peas and their natural sweentess, which will be fine for some, but wasn't quite to my taste. I added more salt when I re-heated it for lunch the next day. The gremolata, though, was a real winner and I wouldn't mind finding more soups to top with that.
The green mac & cheese had rather less cheese in it than I expected. The base was a roux with a bit of cheese and sour cream added. The green bit was the 7oz of spinach (or spinach and kale as I didn't have enough spinach) that I then blended with a stick blender into the sauce. It was warm and creamy and definitely satisfying. Plus, so much veg blended in. The final step is to lay it all out on a tray and melt some cheese on top with a broiler, but honestly, when I make this again, I think I'll skip that step. It would have been better, I think, to just warm the sauce back up (cooled from blending) in the sauce pan.
Get Cracking
This is my least favorite meal pack that I've done. In this pack are Potato and Sage Hash with Runny Eggs, Sticky Soy Tofu with Egg Fried Rice, and Carrot Fritters with Couscous.
Of these the Carrot Fritters were my favorite. Carrots are usually too sweet for me, but given how long I cooked these, the sweetness was a bit more, well, caramelized for lack of a better word. I did not like the hash.
This is the first pack I tried in my new kitchen. The sticky soy tofu with egg fried rice was a great step back into cooking after I'd taken time off for the move. It was good, but not particularly memorable. Also, cooking the egg separately from the rice ensured the rice was full of bits of egg, but I like cooking the egg with the rice. I know it is lazier, but so it goes.
I disliked the hash. I love potatoes and sage, but the sage flavor didn't really come through. The potatoes were so thick, despite using a large pan, that they stayed very soft. It wasn't helped by the addition of peas. The top did get a little crispy, but not much. And then that was mitigated by the eggs anyway. It was also very oily. I prefer my hash thinner with a larger ratio of crunch to mush, but that could just be a regional thing. This is the first time I tossed my leftovers the next day. I couldn't get myself to eat them.
The carrot fritters were delicious. I think my carrots were too large for one egg, though, because I definitely did not get fritters. It was just pan-fried carrot. I cooked them for ages, but they did not want to hold together at all. That's all right, though, because I adored the taste. The couscous was very peppery and the topping quite zippy. The flavors worked well together and I can't wait to make this again.
Light and Zingy
For some reason this pack did not show up in my app as having been cooked, but I have all of my notes from Facebook after making each recipe. This is probably my favorite pack so far, though I would tweak a couple things about the tofu dish.
In this pack are Roast Courgettes on Dill Chickpea Mash, Spiced Black Bean Soup with Green Chili Salsa, and Grilled Lemon Tofu with Jollof Cauliflower Rice.
The soup and salsa and chickpea mash were my favorites.
The spiced black bean soup with green chili salsa was utterly delicious, though I did add a side of some cheesy bread (bread toasted and then cheese shreds spread on top and melted under a broiler). I do enjoy spicy food and the soup, as I was putting it together, didn't seem particularly spicy, so I added 2T of sambal to it. The salsa on top was easy to make and definitely added a sharpness to the soup that I appreciated. I enjoyed eating this for lunch the next day.
The roast courgettes on dill chickpea mash was also a great dish. The mash was extremely flavorful and I loved the use of dill. When I ate it the first night, I put the zucchini right on top, which was a mistake, I think. Even after roasting, they were a bit watery and they loosened the mash. When I re-heated the dish, I kept them on the side. My only issue cooking this, though, was that it completely filled my apartment with smoke. I had every window open and fans running just to keep my smoke detector quiet after it went off. Good, but maybe next time I'll just pan fry the zucchini or something to avoid the smokeshow.
Finally, the jollof rice was great, too. I've never grated cauliflower before and it was an experience. I had a bit of a mess to clean up afterward. My issue with this recipe, though, was the tofu. The recipe did not call for pressing the tofu ahead of time (a step, I admit, I usually skip), but I think it would have benefited from doing so. Pressing probably would have improved the flavor intake and the overall texture. That said, if I make this again, I'm going to buy tempeh instead. The cauliflower rice is very soft, so I think it would be good to have a protein with a bit more chew to it. Tempeh, boiled in stock and lemon juice for flavor and then (maybe) roasted, would work really well, I think.
Nice 'n' Spicy
This is my current pack. For reasons, I only started on it yesterday and so have only cooked one dish so far. This pack contains roast aubergine with coriander chutney and hazelnut pilaf; cavolo nero, hazelnut, and chili pasta; and, spiced paneer with charred tomatoes and green chili lentils.
So far I've only made the pasta. I had to add quite a bit of water to get the topping loose enough to reach a mayonnaise-like consistency, but the overall dish was very good. I tipped in some extra chili flakes for a bit more heat.
My major issues with this pack so far have been the ingredient sourcing. Weirdly, despite checking multiple supermarkets online and in person (a Mexican one near my home), I was unable to find green chilies outside of a can. I've bought jalapenos instead. (I also got a small can of chilies, just in case).
The harder to find ingredient by far, though, was blanched hazelnuts. I could not find them anywhere. So I ended up getting regular hazelnuts and blanched them at home. Blanching was easy, but time consuming and involved everything I hate about doing dishes (wet food against my skin, soft nails, and pruny fingers). In the future, if a pack calls for blanched hazelnuts, I'm just going to buy macadamia nuts or almonds instead.
I am definitely looking forward to the rest of this pack, though. I'll probably make the lentils tonight.
ETA: I did make the lentils! So, despite checking multiple shops, I wasn't able to find microwave lentils or puy lentils. So I bought french lentils instead and put them in my rice maker. I checked the lentils after a bit and turned the rice maker off when the water was gone and the lentils were soft, but not mushy.
The meal was delicious, but I am dreading cleaning up after this one. The tomatoes stuck horribly to the pan and left a terrible mess of black char. The paneer did the same. I've got the pan soaking and will scrub tomorrow.
I don't normally have garam masala on its own and was surprised by its sweetness. It paired so well with the cheese. I'm tempted to make some carrot ribbons and cook them with garam masala sometime. I bet they'd pair really well, too. (That said, I usually like to mitigate the sweetness of carrots with heat or mustard or something).

(Disclaimer; I'm not Chinese, I'm Taiwanese-American, so a lot of what I know of modern Chinese culture is through shifty osmosis. But I wrote this after reading one too many fics of [insert ToT boy] feeding reader chicken noodle soup to help their cold, and I was like .... this is not. Asian enough. 'Cause it's important to me that Asian faces and culture and voices are preserved!)

Luke Pearce, 夏彦 (Xià Yàn)

• His go-to foods include burgers and fries, but Chinese burger chains offer different fares than classic Americana. McDonald’s has a double-sausage in-between two burger buns, KFC has multiple curry rice dishes, pizza chains offer corn, country ham, and peas as toppings, etc. Breakfast menu items are congee and fried doughs, not egg and bacon croissants. You can get boba tea, sweet red bean soup, and taro pies. His favorites are the meat-heavy, double patty, triple sausage items.
• It’s becoming trendier in China to join fancy gyms and work out for the sake of working out, wearing luxury brand compression suits and sport watches. Luke, on the other hand, is a government secret agent, so other muscleheads look down on him for using equipment that’s not top-of-the-line, god forbid his ratty old shorts and shirt.
• Alcohol allergies are common amongst Asian people. Luke is the only one out of the three ethnically Chinese boys to NOT have an intolerance to booze. He loves a good beer on tap, which can be hard to find in a city that likely prioritizes bottles. It’s not like the American Midwest where 1-3 bars have proper kegs.
• China’s gun laws are pretty strict. The vast majority of civilians will never touch a gun. Even those authorized the use of firearms, like Luke, cannot keep their guns and are only allowed use during specific scenarios.
• Like many city folk in China, he appreciates the finer details of a good coffee. And like many of them, he doesn’t drink it regularly every morning like Westerners do. It’s more analogous to an ‘afternoon tea’ occasion, or to pair with dessert.
• China’s government isn’t some villainous underground dictatorship like Westerners have been brainwashed into thinking. It’s actually pretty one-to-one with America’s police state. Luke being a secret government agent would be like if he was part of the FBI, or CIA. With all the iffiness it implies.

Artem Wing, 左然 (Zuǒ Rán)

• Much of China can speak multiple dialects, like Cantonese, Mandarin, varieties of Hokkien. Artem’s main dialect is Mandarin, but he grew up also knowing Cantonese and Min Chinese, which is what his mother grew up speaking. This is on top of him knowing German (and presumably English, going by his education)
• So from his mother’s side, he’s ethnically Hoklo - a sub-ethnicity of the Han. Those living in the metropolises sometimes don’t speak the older Hokkiens, but instead the more urbanized Min.
• If Stellis isn’t based off of Macau or Hong Kong (and I seriously doubt it is), then Artem is working under the typical Judicial System Of China; it’s pretty similar to America’s, there’s the three branches of law and cases go through different courts of type and severity. Biggest difference is that there’s no jury, but instead the people’s assessors which act as additional judges on a panel.
• His favorite sci-fi classics are The War Of The Worlds and Ringworld. The more fantastic and science-based, the better. Sci-fi lites like Logan’s Run or 1984 isn’t as eye-catching. He’s even read trashy ones like the Halo novels. When he reads, he always does so in its original English. He buys both Mandarin and English translations of his favorite books.
• I feel like Artem represents the Asian ‘born to work’ mentality that a lot of people grew up with. You study hard ‘cause you have to, find a good job ‘cause you have to, and after that .... who are you really? You have to essentially find yourself and what you actually enjoy in life. Many Asian people start doubting this life around Artem’s age.
• Everyone knows Artem can cook. But he’s not defaulting to chicken noodle soup or lasagna like many players write him doing, he’s making savory pea jelly, fried rice noodles, and wrapping his own xiao long baos with super thin homemade wraps that never pop in the broth. Of course he knows how to make beef stroganoff or whatever, but it’s not his specialty.
• The people of China are more willing to get into other people’s business if they see something they think is not right. Not like America or the UK, where strangers will largely just duck their heads and walk right past. So Artem has, more than once, stepped into some escalating argument on the street to speak his piece as a Proper Lawyer. Once, it was when a mom was threatening to beat her son’s ass. Another time, it was when some guys were planning on scamming a visiting foreigner.

Marius von Hagen, 陆景和 (Lù Jǐnghé)

• It’s kinda gross, but he’s got the patented Thick Earwax Gene that some Asians have. He literally has to regularly dig ‘em out using small wooden scoops, or it’ll impact his hearing. He dreams of one day lying atop his love’s lap as they clean his ears for him, which is one of the weirder Asian traditions, but no one can deny it feels great.
• Even today, some Chinese people look down on those who wear China brands of clothing, rather than foreign imports. Marius actually gains a bit of infamy for having some China-born brands in his closet. He’s not making a statement, he literally just buys stuff he thinks is cute, and sometimes it’s from an ANNAKIKI boutique, fuck the haters.
• At 188cm (6′1 ft), he towers above the average crowd. Other men are jealous, women find it especially attractive, but he considers it more of a hindrance. His legs suffer greatly in any car that’s not, like, a BMW or something, and none of the college lecture furniture offer any sort of wiggle room for his long limbs. He’s lucky he’s rich, ‘cause very little ready-made clothing is fit for his build.
• It’s relatively common for Chinese men to wear makeup like foundation, powders, and light lip tints, but not even the women tend to go for the wilder, colorful eyeshadows and glosses. Whenever Marius puts on his purple liner, every gossip rag in the country gushes over his ‘innovative’ look. Every time. Not like it’s innovative anymore, after the 40th time he’s put on bold colors.
• Calling an unknown girl ‘jie-jie’ is flirting with her. ‘Missy’ isn’t the proper contextual translation, it’d be more like ‘sweetheart’, something that can be pretty condescending.
• Unlike tattoos, piercings are more frowned upon in old Confucius tradition. So Marius having an entire lineup of conches and helixes was more scandal-worthy than his little ankle tat. His liberal dad doesn’t care, but some of his PR keep telling him to leave off the rook studs, at least.

Vyn Richter, 莫弈 (Mò Yì)

• The only foreigner - and white guy - out of the four. I headcanon Svart being based off of Lithuania, so Vyn grew up speaking Lithuanian, Russian, Ukrainian, English, and Polish (wow!). He took Mandarin throughout his education, and he further refined his fluency as a citizen of China Stellis. No one ever mentions that he has an accent, and none of his voice actors ever fake a shitty European lilt, so his Mandarin is completely natural sounding.
• But he only knows Mandarin. Even Luke can read some Cantonese. He’s got enough languages bouncing around his noggin, and it was hard enough trying to grasp Mandarin in a medical/academic setting.
• Speaking of being a white guy, it was weird in the beginning to live in a country that actually doesn’t cater to his hair texture, or peach skin tone, or high bridged nose. Many luxury brands don’t stock a diverse range of goods like mid-range boutique names do, so it takes him a while to track down a salon quality shampoo that doesn’t sap his scalp of all moisture.
• The English translation of the game seems to flip-flop between Vyn’s job as either a psychologist, or psychiatrist. None of the other translations do. To be clear; a psychologist is like a therapist with a doctorate. A psychiatrist’s only job is to prescribe meds and not therapy. Since Vyn is only seen doing the latter and never the former, it’s pretty clear that he’s a psychologist.
• Going by the CN voice actors, Stellis is likely located in Southern China, which makes the botanist in Vyn very happy because of how temperate the weather is. Winters get snow, but no frost. Summers are humid. This kind of weather can support a huge variety of flora, so Vyn goes ham on his garden.
• White people don’t necessarily stick out in the bigger metropolises of China, but white people with platinum blond hair and super light eyes will turn heads everywhere except in, like, Scandinavia, probably. He grew up under the scrutinizing public eye, so he’s used to it. What really gave him pause was when some old conservative grandpa insisted he dye his hair black.

The crew has consumed all of the vitamin B shots and electrolytes in New Mexico, but the bored breakout is still taking them down one by one.
“We don’t even have cats to film,” Camera #1 is in distress. “They fled from Mohammad’s toddler-voice before he finished singing the alphabet. So I’m filming Home Depot’s hiring sign. I’ll be applying after my time in production purgatory.”
After the gaffer drops the boom into the boring for the second time, production finally pulls the red lever and sends Tharan to parkour. Yve benchwarms and ponders new hashtags for her future full-body bathing suit, while Mohammad serves as the least interesting obstacle to traverse.
Thankfully, Tharan knows we need a hero, so he runs, passes on a rope in favor of flying, screams while slow-motion falling, does some Wordle shit in four moves, sticks the landing, and twinkles his fingers at the sky.
“Wake up, Mohammad!” Tharan with the catchphrase!
“Why do you keep saying that I am sleeping? I have been awake this entire time,” Mohammad believes this. “I have just been resting my eyes while they are open.”
“Jesus Christ, I almost passed out again!” The gaffer sways, so Tharan pops and locks like he was born to boogaloo, and the producer tells the other two to revisit their only argument while driving away from the others.
Yve tells Mohammad that they have to put their wedding off by a month, because the goddess of matrimony is trying to stop her. Mohammad is annoyed, because it seems another old god or goddess crawls out of the ocean to challenge his quest for employment every other day.
“I don’t even think you care about the wedding. You just care about the paperwork,” Yve is almost there.
“Yes,” Mohammad confirms.
“I don’t think you know what you’re saying…” Yve chooses denial.
“It is so strange that I say I don’t care, and then she says I don’t understand because it seems like I don’t care,” Mohammad is lost. “How can I tell her that all is exactly as it seems?”
“I know it is like so many times I tell Ari,” Biniyam is there for Mo.
Mohammad meets future victim Rafay for coffee, and tells him that things are tense with Yve. He says that she has what she wants with on-call childcare and greater flexibility with clients.
“On the other hand, that also means she’s working more to support another person, really needs those clients, and this is the least you could do,” Rafay brings perspective.
Mohammad admits that Yve also feeds him and diapers him, but she’s only thinking of herself in making him wait an additional 30 days. He gets tearful when he mentions taking care of his mother, and Rafay asks if Yve is aware of how isolated Mohammad feels.
“No? Well, has she noticed that she’s not on your list of reasons for doing this?” Rafay needs to escape before Mohammad asks him to be his sponsor.
Yve takes Mohammad to fusillade at her dream venue, which is an old museum with red velvet chairs, haunted by people who are dead inside. Yve notes that she has some friends that are legally ordained, and they could marry them if Mohammad becomes a completely different person.
“We could get married at the mosque,” Mohammad mohammads.
Yve reminds him that she’s still not a Muslim, so marrying at the mosque doesn’t make sense, especially since she can’t seperate the legal wedding from the marriage ceremony in her head. Plus she’s already done a lot of work to secure this venue, and has a busy schedule that doesn’t support a quickie wedding. Mohammad retorts that *her* friends and family will be there, but his are in Egypt, and he feels trapped until she applies for a status update.
Then next day, in a brilliant display of passive-aggression, Mohammad texts Yve (who is in the bedroom) to let her know he’s getting a sponsor, because he’s in the UK now. Yve thinks he’s pursuing marriage B and tells him that’s not how it works, and Mohammad insists he’s seen the show and knows all he has to do is marry the older lady and then they divorce after the reunion.
“You want everything your way,” they trade this line back and forth, with Yve still floored by his indifference.
“I also refer to being with Tharan as babysitting,” Mohammad stepdads. “So you should assume I will not be doing that once I’m hired by Home Depot.”
“Goodbye Mohammad,” Tharan takes charge.
“I’ve never seen this side of Mohammad before,” Yve says of the only Mohammad we’ve seen.
Yve retreats to cry, but Mohammad follows her and says if he can’t work he’ll go back to Egypt, so buy him a ticket. Yve asks if he even loves her, and Mohammad passes and reminds her he has dreams and goals, and a wedding isn’t one of them.
“Well if you go back to Egypt I’m not gonna go marry you over there!” Yve needs one of those B shots. Maybe two.
“Why would I marry you in Egypt to work in the US, you are not making sense.”
“Wow, apparently I am replaceable,” WTF Yve.
“You’re a user!” Danielle has a fresh throwing-binder, and hopefully her aim has improved.
Patrick’s brother John has a busy life working as Zoltar for the Wandering Wanker Circus, but steps outside of the Big Top to pour beers over Pat’s relationshit with his good friend That Guy.
“Thais hasn’t told her dad we’re getting married,” Patrick problems.
“Maybe he doesn’t like you?” That Guy takes a chance on the obvious.
“The last time I saw him he said I should punch myself in the face and try for a knockout,” Patrick considers. “That was nice, so I sent him a sexy santa suit, along with instructions of how to turn it into a phone.”
“Patrick thinks he’s the smartest guy and the strongest guy around,” John measures. “But I don’t believe for a second he knew what size santa suit to get Thais’ dad.”
“Does anyone else smell steroids?” Patrick has new concerns. “Or is that my hair burning?”
“That’s man-code!” That Guy cavemans.
“YES! Man-Code!” Patrick knew Thais’ dad’s opinion was important. “I’ll take that red flag, and shake it till it’s white.”
“That’s not how flags work, bro,” John is helping.
Later on John risks missing his Love After Lockup audition to chase Thais around the kitchen. She’s mixing ketchup and mustard together for stroganoff, and John knows condiments are isolationists. Thais tells John that he should develop his own life, and John thinks that’s ridiculous, he ruined his own years ago.
“No one understands why you haven’t told your dad!” Patrick shrieks. “Not Joey, or Jimbo, or White Mike, or Sammy the Bear, or Chachi. No one!”
“It would be weird to tell him that he was right about you and that we’re getting married in the same conversation!” Thais fires back.
“Just tell your dad! Controlling, and dad, that’s our whole thing!”
“Who keeps sending me texts?” Thais checks her phone. “This one say, ‘get to the airport, we can free you and Shaeeda.’ Huh?” Do we really need to explain this, Thais?
“Shaeeda hasn’t responded yet, either,” the crew thinks this plan is a bust.
Patrick’s family is having a reunion in Orlando, which seems like a great time to wedding to Patrick, and 2-22-22 has to be a Michael Bay movie. Patrick reminds Thais that he’s the decider because he pays for everything, and then he goes out with John to complain about paying for everything, including the wedding he could have skipped by getting married in Vegas.
“Everyone knows planning is more hilarious to God,” John is just saying.
John plays photographer while Patrick tries on suits, and boldly takes a stand in favor of pinstripes.
“My taste is impectuous,” I couldn’t agree more, John. “Also, I call Pat a pussy on a daily basis, and then he fucks himself. Pat, you wanna man-code?”
“For some people it’s really natural to talk about feelings. Well guess what? It’s really natural for me to squat 600 pounds!” Okay, Patrick. “Some people are weak as shit.”
Thais confronts Patrick about controlling every facet of their wedding, including signing a contract for a makeup artist before she speaks with her, and he argues that he has to make decisions because she doesn’t have John’s impectuous grasp of the English language.
“Besides, it can’t be that important if you didn’t tell your dad!” Patrick pivots.
Thais sees through this, and says she was very independent in Brazil, and wants that in the states, and she also agrees to call her dad to report Patrick hasn’t punched himself in the face yet.
Ari hears the producers are in the middle of a white-knuckle misery-off, and thinks it’s unfair to count them out before she’s had the chance to complain about money. Leandro is there, and the plan is to pause her frantic working-on-our-relationship schedule to go look at wedding dresses, but instead she announces she must retire to her fainting couch, having come down with an acute case of calendar-blindness.
“When is the last time you had your period?” Leandro asks, relieved that a male doctor is around to explain menses.
“I’m not sure what time zone my period is in,” Ari’s been traveling since she first ovulated.
Leandro offers to take Biniyam to pick up a pregnancy test so he can stop looking at the sky for a sign, and Biniyam asks if they can stop at the gym just for like six hours or something. Leandro wonders what Biniyam’s hoping for, and Biniyam says a human baby. Leandro protests that Ari requires two unemployed adults and a nanny for every one child.
“I’m gonna have like 10 kids,” Biniyam is confident. “Ari say Handmaid’s Tale was very inspire to her.”
Ari’s pregnancy is a bust, so she puts on her brunch heels and they go out for public arguing. Biniyam asks what she feels like arguing about today, and Ari starts with how they simply can’t afford another baby, so she’s happy to be unpregnant.
“I am starting to think that maybe like people at home are noticing that this is problem we don’t have?” Biniyam tries.
“How do you fix a problem if you don’t talk about it?” Ari has had the same problems for years and on multiple continents, but remains certain of the solution.
“We could maybe try, like, actions?” Biniyam’s problems are also the same, but the faces are different.
“Ninja class?” Tharan sees potential in Biniyam.
Bilal is sulking on his big boy bed with one fang in the throat of everyone considering having an emotional experience of their own.
“It’s not a mood swing unless everyone has it,” Bilal vampires.
Shaeeda remains determined to escape this prenup conflict without surrendering her contract request, and that means swaddling Bilal so tightly he stops fussing.
“Can you move your arms?” Shaeeda knows what’s important.
“I need something that’s important to you to belittle!” Baby Bilal breaks free.
Shaeeda has just the thing, so she takes Bilal and the actual kids outside for yoga, with Shaeeda directing movements as she would a class. Everyone is duly fucked by downward dog, which is a great opening for Bilal’s fart-jokes.
“Some people might say, ‘Bilal! You’re every single one of the warning signs in this magazine quiz!’ I’m just a jokester, what can I say?”
Shaeeda closes out the class and Bilal admits that he feels better, but probably based on something he already does and knows, and not anything Shaeeda did.
“Dad said all Shaeeda’s things are toys!” Zaynah beats Yusuf with a yoga mat.
“Beat your brother like you’re beating your lady-parts!” Shaeeda shouts her encouragement.
Off-camera, Bilal probably calls Shahidah to tell her their children’s future is in jeopardy, since Shaeeda is playing hard-to-sign with the prenup. On-camera, Shahidah arrives at the family home, strangely aggressive and ready to play mama bear over the threat Shaeeda hasn’t posed.
“These people who do not know me or my finances are certain I’m here to pirate away the Missouri McMansion,” Shaeeda wishes for an actual conversation. “We have a saying for this: *Time to purchase airfare.* But I’m choosing to believe Shahidah thought of this on her own, and that the ‘familial wealth’ referenced isn’t hers.”
“Notice his prenup says what is made during the marriage is ‘ours’? Yeah,” Shahidah just wants to point that out real quick.
Shaeeda goes out for a picnic with Bilal, and reports what happened. Bilal says he’s a bit taken aback, and thinks it’s weird that Shaeeda’s so pissed off when she’s the one stealing money from his children. So he gives her a hard copy of the prenup so she can really dig deep into it, before making the same requests that she’s already made, and reminding him of her plan to show it to a lawyer.
In the process, Shaeeda points out why she finds the prenup degrading to her position, since he’s basically claiming half of her future earnings while claiming nothing he already has is hers. Since her plan is to stay at home and raise children, she’d have to start earning income immediately for her own safety, or risk being the penniless divorcee losing her kids to the breadwinner.
“Are you gonna cheat on me? If no, then it’s fine,” Bilal, everyone.
“It’s fine for you, not me and our children that you’ve made no allowances for,” Shaeeda isn’t going to Yve this up.
Jibri harvests advice to resolve problems we haven’t seen, for a marriage already in-progress, to perform ‘in love, but troubled’ for different waitresses.
“We’ve been spending a lot of time together, since you moved to this isolated hamlet when you can’t work and have no friends or family,” Jibri jibris. “That’s not really fair to my hypothetical 12-hour studio session in LA.”
“I will not be texting you all the time when we are in LA because I will be at the club, or doing things that are not avoiding your mom” Miona explains how cities work.
“The point is, your needs mean you’re a spoiled princess, and my needs mean I’m building an empire,” Jibri Bilals. “I need a queen to hashtag.”
“Do you see what I mean?” Granny is exhausted by the brand-building. “This is not a romance. This is a commercial.”
They agree that Miona will have a weird-ass conversation with his mom when they get home, and Jibri sages the house to prep.
“Yes, but I’m talking to Mahala, not the house,” Miona is not opposed to switching the audience.
“You’re gonna need something more powerful,” Mahala is unfazed by this kitchen-witch business.
Miona goes to the principal’s office to let Mahala know they’re going to elope and then get married every six weeks until she’s dead, at which point the graveside services begin. Mahala asks where the elopement will be and if there’s any way she can make it about herself, and Miona says a lot of MIL’s do this by wearing white.
“It seems like you’re both choosing a hard path, when the boring path is right there waiting to ask if you’ve got a case of the Mondays,” Mahala whats.
Mahala catches Brian up and Jibri does the same with Miona, with radically different interpretations of events.
“I can’t support a trainwreck and like mayonnaise as much as I do,” Brian is resolved, and Jibri needs a sage do-over.
“You should have just focused on the couch,” the house has suggestions.
Kara has a predictable outfit for every occasion, so she dusts off the rodeo attire from her cheerleading squad’s car wash fundraiser, and she’s ready to beer commercial and rub some ‘Murica in Guillermo’s gums. She’s confident this is the right outfit to tell Guillermo she’ll do the whole wedding thing, upping their guest count from 4 to 40.
Now Kara stares down tasks like wrapping ribbon around tiny bottles of booze, because bubbles are for kids(balloon pop). She’s also tried on dresses, met an officiant who says things Bilal stitches onto pillows and tshirts, and booked a private dining room attached to a bar to overdecorate.
“Is the room supposed to resemble a clown car to make the officiant’s jokes funny?” Guillermo has concerns. “You know you could look at the second venue you google and not just the first?”
“Have I mentioned three weeks? Three weeks. I’M DOING THIS ALL MYSELF!”
“Imagine how helpful I’d be if I HAD A COMPUTER,” the point is awarded to Guillermo. “I could also see my brother’s memorial page then, since he JUST DIED.”
All Kara hears is blah blah blah so busy, so Guillermo asks if there’s something he can do to help. Kara responds by detailing every facet of his outfit in a tone that suggests he’s already rubbed his own feces over his suit and will wake up the morning of with a penis drawn on his cheek in sharpie.
“Do you think you’re still dating Chris?” Guillermo wishes he could man-baby before the scolding. “Do you think I’m going to show up without pants or something?”
“Did you get your haircut?” Kara is not marrying a Hardy Boy.
“Holy shit, we’re both unemployed. Today is a day I can get my haircut.”
Guillermo goes to see Kizzy, who I swear has been on another reality show cutting someone else’s hair. Kizzy produces an assortment of torture instrument to tame his mane, and while they chat he mentions he’s getting married.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Kizzy’s been there. “I was married seven years ago. We’re not together. The insurance company insists on continuing to classify him as ‘missing,’ so here it is what it is. What’s she like?”
“She’s a really beautiful person,” Guillermo begins.
“Oh she is not,” Kizzy has been a hairdresser for a minute.
“She’s a bit controlling. I’m hoping that will fade over time.”
“Oh honey,” Kizzy has seen everything. “That control juice is going to age into a fine whine.”
“People change?” Guillermo tries.
“People also change their minds,” the point is awarded to Kizzy. “Once you get married there’s no point in changing.”
Kara is not prepared for the type of haircut Guillermo’s just experienced, and while she wants to have a date night, Guillermo wants to talk about his feelings. They both order margaritas to best lubricate the coming argument.
“I’ve been talking to Kizzy,” Guillermo begins. “And I’m wondering if you’re going to be the same shitty person forever, or nah?”
Since 48 hours later they’re getting married, Kara thinks the timing is a bit effed. She says she’s been busy feeling happy and in love, and asks for details on what he’s lacking.
“Respect, understanding, and communication,” Guillermo recites Kizzy’s warning label. “Maybe a spine so I am not so easy to influence.”
“How do you feel disrespected?” Kara shakes her head and rolls her eyes and fully misses the irony. “If you’re not confident in marrying me then don’t.”
At this point dinner is basically over, and Kara wants to go home so Guillermo can have that time to think he suddenly requires, after being the dude who wants a big wedding.
“Yeah, but you BOTH have a few days to decide,” Patrick man-codes.
Kobe is still sore from Emily proposing to herself, so he’s reading mean tweets about her to calm his wedding anxiety. Emily interrupts to request his presence for non-specific errands, and off they go.
“So do you remember that cute ovulation app I showed you and said, ‘OMG I’m ovulating!’ and then we had sex?” Emily doesn’t suffer calendar blindness, but she does find it super annoying.
“I told you not to take birth control!” Kobe and Emily have a lot in common.
“Right, and then the pull-out method became the put-it-back-in method, remember?” Emily recalls the dramatic conclusion of this encounter. “I know we’re still living in my parent’s basement, but this seems like a way to totally take over the main floor.”
“And the business?” Kobe wants to keep that dream alive.
“Probably later, but first we need to decide which one of us is going to be on OnlyFans,” Emily has a planner for this. “This is just an idea, but maybe this is something we can do as, like, a couple.”
“But everyone has already seen your boobs,” Kobe has a point.
“But you’re a former underwear model, so everyone has seen you mostly naked, too,” Emily is putting it together.
“I think then it is just porn,” Kobe writes ‘research OnlyFans’ in his invisible notebook.
They stop at a gas station to get a pregnancy test to take right there in the bathroom, proving they’re the only two members of this cast earning their fucking keep. The grateful crew zooms in on a *braces and support* sign while the manager wonders who is fucking in the bathroom this time, Twilight Zone music happens, and they walk out pregnant.
“My dad is going to be surprised,” Emily has met her dad. “Oh my God, now he’s going to have to come up with a new rule.”
“But it’s okay, because this time we have a plan,” Kobe will see you next season and on OnlyFans.
NEXT WEEK: Ari takes her unsure-tour on the road to weeble about wedding dresses, Kara is having a bachelorette party to celebrate her status, Mohammad throws his bike in the trash like Karate Kid, Shaeeda and Yve hide from the Self-Esteem Fairy together, everyone agrees Jibri is 15 years-old, Mahala encourages Jibri to cure his pending homelessness with a hat sale, and Thais tells her dad that she’s figured out how to be controlled on multiple continents.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS!

The crew has consumed all of the vitamin B shots and electrolytes in New Mexico, but the bored breakout is still taking them down one by one.
“We don’t even have cats to film,” Camera #1 is in distress. “They fled from Mohammad’s toddler-voice before he finished singing the alphabet. So I’m filming Home Depot’s hiring sign. I’ll be applying after my time in production purgatory.”
After the gaffer drops the boom into the boring for the second time, production finally pulls the red lever and sends Tharan to parkour. Yve benchwarms and ponders new hashtags for her future full-body bathing suit, while Mohammad serves as the least interesting obstacle to traverse.
Thankfully, Tharan knows we need a hero, so he runs, passes on a rope in favor of flying, screams while slow-motion falling, does some Wordle shit in four moves, sticks the landing, and twinkles his fingers at the sky.
“Wake up, Mohammad!” Tharan with the catchphrase!
“Why do you keep saying that I am sleeping? I have been awake this entire time,” Mohammad believes this. “I have just been resting my eyes while they are open.”
“Jesus Christ, I almost passed out again!” The gaffer sways, so Tharan pops and locks like he was born to boogaloo, and the producer tells the other two to revisit their only argument while driving away from the others.
Yve tells Mohammad that they have to put their wedding off by a month, because the goddess of matrimony is trying to stop her. Mohammad is annoyed, because it seems another old god or goddess crawls out of the ocean to challenge his quest for employment every other day.
“I don’t even think you care about the wedding. You just care about the paperwork,” Yve is almost there.
“Yes,” Mohammad confirms.
“I don’t think you know what you’re saying…” Yve chooses denial.
“It is so strange that I say I don’t care, and then she says I don’t understand because it seems like I don’t care,” Mohammad is lost. “How can I tell her that all is exactly as it seems?”
“I know it is like so many times I tell Ari,” Biniyam is there for Mo.
Mohammad meets future victim Rafay for coffee, and tells him that things are tense with Yve. He says that she has what she wants with on-call childcare and greater flexibility with clients.
“On the other hand, that also means she’s working more to support another person, really needs those clients, and this is the least you could do,” Rafay brings perspective.
Mohammad admits that Yve also feeds him and diapers him, but she’s only thinking of herself in making him wait an additional 30 days. He gets tearful when he mentions taking care of his mother, and Rafay asks if Yve is aware of how isolated Mohammad feels.
“No? Well, has she noticed that she’s not on your list of reasons for doing this?” Rafay needs to escape before Mohammad asks him to be his sponsor.
Yve takes Mohammad to fusillade at her dream venue, which is an old museum with red velvet chairs, haunted by people who are dead inside. Yve notes that she has some friends that are legally ordained, and they could marry them if Mohammad becomes a completely different person.
“We could get married at the mosque,” Mohammad mohammads.
Yve reminds him that she’s still not a Muslim, so marrying at the mosque doesn’t make sense, especially since she can’t seperate the legal wedding from the marriage ceremony in her head. Plus she’s already done a lot of work to secure this venue, and has a busy schedule that doesn’t support a quickie wedding. Mohammad retorts that *her* friends and family will be there, but his are in Egypt, and he feels trapped until she applies for a status update.
Then next day, in a brilliant display of passive-aggression, Mohammad texts Yve (who is in the bedroom) to let her know he’s getting a sponsor, because he’s in the UK now. Yve thinks he’s pursuing marriage B and tells him that’s not how it works, and Mohammad insists he’s seen the show and knows all he has to do is marry the older lady and then they divorce after the reunion.
“You want everything your way,” they trade this line back and forth, with Yve still floored by his indifference.
“I also refer to being with Tharan as babysitting,” Mohammad stepdads. “So you should assume I will not be doing that once I’m hired by Home Depot.”
“Goodbye Mohammad,” Tharan takes charge.
“I’ve never seen this side of Mohammad before,” Yve says of the only Mohammad we’ve seen.
Yve retreats to cry, but Mohammad follows her and says if he can’t work he’ll go back to Egypt, so buy him a ticket. Yve asks if he even loves her, and Mohammad passes and reminds her he has dreams and goals, and a wedding isn’t one of them.
“Well if you go back to Egypt I’m not gonna go marry you over there!” Yve needs one of those B shots. Maybe two.
“Why would I marry you in Egypt to work in the US, you are not making sense.”
“Wow, apparently I am replaceable,” WTF Yve.
“You’re a user!” Danielle has a fresh throwing-binder, and hopefully her aim has improved.
Patrick’s brother John has a busy life working as Zoltar for the Wandering Wanker Circus, but steps outside of the Big Top to pour beers over Pat’s relationshit with his good friend That Guy.
“Thais hasn’t told her dad we’re getting married,” Patrick problems.
“Maybe he doesn’t like you?” That Guy takes a chance on the obvious.
“The last time I saw him he said I should punch myself in the face and try for a knockout,” Patrick considers. “That was nice, so I sent him a sexy santa suit, along with instructions of how to turn it into a phone.”
“Patrick thinks he’s the smartest guy and the strongest guy around,” John measures. “But I don’t believe for a second he knew what size santa suit to get Thais’ dad.”
“Does anyone else smell steroids?” Patrick has new concerns. “Or is that my hair burning?”
“That’s man-code!” That Guy cavemans.
“YES! Man-Code!” Patrick knew Thais’ dad’s opinion was important. “I’ll take that red flag, and shake it till it’s white.”
“That’s not how flags work, bro,” John is helping.
Later on John risks missing his Love After Lockup audition to chase Thais around the kitchen. She’s mixing ketchup and mustard together for stroganoff, and John knows condiments are isolationists. Thais tells John that he should develop his own life, and John thinks that’s ridiculous, he ruined his own years ago.
“No one understands why you haven’t told your dad!” Patrick shrieks. “Not Joey, or Jimbo, or White Mike, or Sammy the Bear, or Chachi. No one!”
“It would be weird to tell him that he was right about you and that we’re getting married in the same conversation!” Thais fires back.
“Just tell your dad! Controlling, and dad, that’s our whole thing!”
“Who keeps sending me texts?” Thais checks her phone. “This one say, ‘get to the airport, we can free you and Shaeeda.’ Huh?” Do we really need to explain this, Thais?
“Shaeeda hasn’t responded yet, either,” the crew thinks this plan is a bust.
Patrick’s family is having a reunion in Orlando, which seems like a great time to wedding to Patrick, and 2-22-22 has to be a Michael Bay movie. Patrick reminds Thais that he’s the decider because he pays for everything, and then he goes out with John to complain about paying for everything, including the wedding he could have skipped by getting married in Vegas.
“Everyone knows planning is more hilarious to God,” John is just saying.
John plays photographer while Patrick tries on suits, and boldly takes a stand in favor of pinstripes.
“My taste is impectuous,” I couldn’t agree more, John. “Also, I call Pat a pussy on a daily basis, and then he fucks himself. Pat, you wanna man-code?”
“For some people it’s really natural to talk about feelings. Well guess what? It’s really natural for me to squat 600 pounds!” Okay, Patrick. “Some people are weak as shit.”
Thais confronts Patrick about controlling every facet of their wedding, including signing a contract for a makeup artist before she speaks with her, and he argues that he has to make decisions because she doesn’t have John’s impectuous grasp of the English language.
“Besides, it can’t be that important if you didn’t tell your dad!” Patrick pivots.
Thais sees through this, and says she was very independent in Brazil, and wants that in the states, and she also agrees to call her dad to report Patrick hasn’t punched himself in the face yet.
Ari hears the producers are in the middle of a white-knuckle misery-off, and thinks it’s unfair to count them out before she’s had the chance to complain about money. Leandro is there, and the plan is to pause her frantic working-on-our-relationship schedule to go look at wedding dresses, but instead she announces she must retire to her fainting couch, having come down with an acute case of calendar-blindness.
“When is the last time you had your period?” Leandro asks, relieved that a male doctor is around to explain menses.
“I’m not sure what time zone my period is in,” Ari’s been traveling since she first ovulated.
Leandro offers to take Biniyam to pick up a pregnancy test so he can stop looking at the sky for a sign, and Biniyam asks if they can stop at the gym just for like six hours or something. Leandro wonders what Biniyam’s hoping for, and Biniyam says a human baby. Leandro protests that Ari requires two unemployed adults and a nanny for every one child.
“I’m gonna have like 10 kids,” Biniyam is confident. “Ari say Handmaid’s Tale was very inspire to her.”
Ari’s pregnancy is a bust, so she puts on her brunch heels and they go out for public arguing. Biniyam asks what she feels like arguing about today, and Ari starts with how they simply can’t afford another baby, so she’s happy to be unpregnant.
“I am starting to think that maybe like people at home are noticing that this is problem we don’t have?” Biniyam tries.
“How do you fix a problem if you don’t talk about it?” Ari has had the same problems for years and on multiple continents, but remains certain of the solution.
“We could maybe try, like, actions?” Biniyam’s problems are also the same, but the faces are different.
“Ninja class?” Tharan sees potential in Biniyam.
Bilal is sulking on his big boy bed with one fang in the throat of everyone considering having an emotional experience of their own.
“It’s not a mood swing unless everyone has it,” Bilal vampires.
Shaeeda remains determined to escape this prenup conflict without surrendering her contract request, and that means swaddling Bilal so tightly he stops fussing.
“Can you move your arms?” Shaeeda knows what’s important.
“I need something that’s important to you to belittle!” Baby Bilal breaks free.
Shaeeda has just the thing, so she takes Bilal and the actual kids outside for yoga, with Shaeeda directing movements as she would a class. Everyone is duly fucked by downward dog, which is a great opening for Bilal’s fart-jokes.
“Some people might say, ‘Bilal! You’re every single one of the warning signs in this magazine quiz!’ I’m just a jokester, what can I say?”
Shaeeda closes out the class and Bilal admits that he feels better, but probably based on something he already does and knows, and not anything Shaeeda did.
“Dad said all Shaeeda’s things are toys!” Zaynah beats Yusuf with a yoga mat.
“Beat your brother like you’re beating your lady-parts!” Shaeeda shouts her encouragement.
Off-camera, Bilal probably calls Shahidah to tell her their children’s future is in jeopardy, since Shaeeda is playing hard-to-sign with the prenup. On-camera, Shahidah arrives at the family home, strangely aggressive and ready to play mama bear over the threat Shaeeda hasn’t posed.
“These people who do not know me or my finances are certain I’m here to pirate away the Missouri McMansion,” Shaeeda wishes for an actual conversation. “We have a saying for this: *Time to purchase airfare.* But I’m choosing to believe Shahidah thought of this on her own, and that the ‘familial wealth’ referenced isn’t hers.”
“Notice his prenup says what is made during the marriage is ‘ours’? Yeah,” Shahidah just wants to point that out real quick.
Shaeeda goes out for a picnic with Bilal, and reports what happened. Bilal says he’s a bit taken aback, and thinks it’s weird that Shaeeda’s so pissed off when she’s the one stealing money from his children. So he gives her a hard copy of the prenup so she can really dig deep into it, before making the same requests that she’s already made, and reminding him of her plan to show it to a lawyer.
In the process, Shaeeda points out why she finds the prenup degrading to her position, since he’s basically claiming half of her future earnings while claiming nothing he already has is hers. Since her plan is to stay at home and raise children, she’d have to start earning income immediately for her own safety, or risk being the penniless divorcee losing her kids to the breadwinner.
“Are you gonna cheat on me? If no, then it’s fine,” Bilal, everyone.
“It’s fine for you, not me and our children that you’ve made no allowances for,” Shaeeda isn’t going to Yve this up.
Jibri harvests advice to resolve problems we haven’t seen, for a marriage already in-progress, to perform ‘in love, but troubled’ for different waitresses.
“We’ve been spending a lot of time together, since you moved to this isolated hamlet when you can’t work and have no friends or family,” Jibri jibris. “That’s not really fair to my hypothetical 12-hour studio session in LA.”
“I will not be texting you all the time when we are in LA because I will be at the club, or doing things that are not avoiding your mom” Miona explains how cities work.
“The point is, your needs mean you’re a spoiled princess, and my needs mean I’m building an empire,” Jibri Bilals. “I need a queen to hashtag.”
“Do you see what I mean?” Granny is exhausted by the brand-building. “This is not a romance. This is a commercial.”
They agree that Miona will have a weird-ass conversation with his mom when they get home, and Jibri sages the house to prep.
“Yes, but I’m talking to Mahala, not the house,” Miona is not opposed to switching the audience.
“You’re gonna need something more powerful,” Mahala is unfazed by this kitchen-witch business.
Miona goes to the principal’s office to let Mahala know they’re going to elope and then get married every six weeks until she’s dead, at which point the graveside services begin. Mahala asks where the elopement will be and if there’s any way she can make it about herself, and Miona says a lot of MIL’s do this by wearing white.
“It seems like you’re both choosing a hard path, when the boring path is right there waiting to ask if you’ve got a case of the Mondays,” Mahala whats.
Mahala catches Brian up and Jibri does the same with Miona, with radically different interpretations of events.
“I can’t support a trainwreck and like mayonnaise as much as I do,” Brian is resolved, and Jibri needs a sage do-over.
“You should have just focused on the couch,” the house has suggestions.
Kara has a predictable outfit for every occasion, so she dusts off the rodeo attire from her cheerleading squad’s car wash fundraiser, and she’s ready to beer commercial and rub some ‘Murica in Guillermo’s gums. She’s confident this is the right outfit to tell Guillermo she’ll do the whole wedding thing, upping their guest count from 4 to 40.
Now Kara stares down tasks like wrapping ribbon around tiny bottles of booze, because bubbles are for kids(balloon pop). She’s also tried on dresses, met an officiant who says things Bilal stitches onto pillows and tshirts, and booked a private dining room attached to a bar to overdecorate.
“Is the room supposed to resemble a clown car to make the officiant’s jokes funny?” Guillermo has concerns. “You know you could look at the second venue you google and not just the first?”
“Have I mentioned three weeks? Three weeks. I’M DOING THIS ALL MYSELF!”
“Imagine how helpful I’d be if I HAD A COMPUTER,” the point is awarded to Guillermo. “I could also see my brother’s memorial page then, since he JUST DIED.”
All Kara hears is blah blah blah so busy, so Guillermo asks if there’s something he can do to help. Kara responds by detailing every facet of his outfit in a tone that suggests he’s already rubbed his own feces over his suit and will wake up the morning of with a penis drawn on his cheek in sharpie.
“Do you think you’re still dating Chris?” Guillermo wishes he could man-baby before the scolding. “Do you think I’m going to show up without pants or something?”
“Did you get your haircut?” Kara is not marrying a Hardy Boy.
“Holy shit, we’re both unemployed. Today is a day I can get my haircut.”
Guillermo goes to see Kizzy, who I swear has been on another reality show cutting someone else’s hair. Kizzy produces an assortment of torture instrument to tame his mane, and while they chat he mentions he’s getting married.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Kizzy’s been there. “I was married seven years ago. We’re not together. The insurance company insists on continuing to classify him as ‘missing,’ so here it is what it is. What’s she like?”
“She’s a really beautiful person,” Guillermo begins.
“Oh she is not,” Kizzy has been a hairdresser for a minute.
“She’s a bit controlling. I’m hoping that will fade over time.”
“Oh honey,” Kizzy has seen everything. “That control juice is going to age into a fine whine.”
“People change?” Guillermo tries.
“People also change their minds,” the point is awarded to Kizzy. “Once you get married there’s no point in changing.”
Kara is not prepared for the type of haircut Guillermo’s just experienced, and while she wants to have a date night, Guillermo wants to talk about his feelings. They both order margaritas to best lubricate the coming argument.
“I’ve been talking to Kizzy,” Guillermo begins. “And I’m wondering if you’re going to be the same shitty person forever, or nah?”
Since 48 hours later they’re getting married, Kara thinks the timing is a bit effed. She says she’s been busy feeling happy and in love, and asks for details on what he’s lacking.
“Respect, understanding, and communication,” Guillermo recites Kizzy’s warning label. “Maybe a spine so I am not so easy to influence.”
“How do you feel disrespected?” Kara shakes her head and rolls her eyes and fully misses the irony. “If you’re not confident in marrying me then don’t.”
At this point dinner is basically over, and Kara wants to go home so Guillermo can have that time to think he suddenly requires, after being the dude who wants a big wedding.
“Yeah, but you BOTH have a few days to decide,” Patrick man-codes.
Kobe is still sore from Emily proposing to herself, so he’s reading mean tweets about her to calm his wedding anxiety. Emily interrupts to request his presence for non-specific errands, and off they go.
“So do you remember that cute ovulation app I showed you and said, ‘OMG I’m ovulating!’ and then we had sex?” Emily doesn’t suffer calendar blindness, but she does find it super annoying.
“I told you not to take birth control!” Kobe and Emily have a lot in common.
“Right, and then the pull-out method became the put-it-back-in method, remember?” Emily recalls the dramatic conclusion of this encounter. “I know we’re still living in my parent’s basement, but this seems like a way to totally take over the main floor.”
“And the business?” Kobe wants to keep that dream alive.
“Probably later, but first we need to decide which one of us is going to be on OnlyFans,” Emily has a planner for this. “This is just an idea, but maybe this is something we can do as, like, a couple.”
“But everyone has already seen your boobs,” Kobe has a point.
“But you’re a former underwear model, so everyone has seen you mostly naked, too,” Emily is putting it together.
“I think then it is just porn,” Kobe writes ‘research OnlyFans’ in his invisible notebook.
They stop at a gas station to get a pregnancy test to take right there in the bathroom, proving they’re the only two members of this cast earning their fucking keep. The grateful crew zooms in on a *braces and support* sign while the manager wonders who is fucking in the bathroom this time, Twilight Zone music happens, and they walk out pregnant.
“My dad is going to be surprised,” Emily has met her dad. “Oh my God, now he’s going to have to come up with a new rule.”
“But it’s okay, because this time we have a plan,” Kobe will see you next season and on OnlyFans.
NEXT WEEK: Ari takes her unsure-tour on the road to weeble about wedding dresses, Kara is having a bachelorette party to celebrate her status, Mohammad throws his bike in the trash like Karate Kid, Shaeeda and Yve hide from the Self-Esteem Fairy together, everyone agrees Jibri is 15 years-old, Mahala encourages Jibri to cure his pending homelessness with a hat sale, and Thais tells her dad that she’s figured out how to be controlled on multiple continents.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS!

The crew has consumed all of the vitamin B shots and electrolytes in New Mexico, but the bored breakout is still taking them down one by one.
“We don’t even have cats to film,” Camera #1 is in distress. “They fled from Mohammad’s toddler-voice before he finished singing the alphabet. So I’m filming Home Depot’s hiring sign. I’ll be applying after my time in production purgatory.”
After the gaffer drops the boom into the boring for the second time, production finally pulls the red lever and sends Tharan to parkour. Yve benchwarms and ponders new hashtags for her future full-body bathing suit, while Mohammad serves as the least interesting obstacle to traverse.
Thankfully, Tharan knows we need a hero, so he runs, passes on a rope in favor of flying, screams while slow-motion falling, does some Wordle shit in four moves, sticks the landing, and twinkles his fingers at the sky.
“Wake up, Mohammad!” Tharan with the catchphrase!
“Why do you keep saying that I am sleeping? I have been awake this entire time,” Mohammad believes this. “I have just been resting my eyes while they are open.”
“Jesus Christ, I almost passed out again!” The gaffer sways, so Tharan pops and locks like he was born to boogaloo, and the producer tells the other two to revisit their only argument while driving away from the others.
Yve tells Mohammad that they have to put their wedding off by a month, because the goddess of matrimony is trying to stop her. Mohammad is annoyed, because it seems another old god or goddess crawls out of the ocean to challenge his quest for employment every other day.
“I don’t even think you care about the wedding. You just care about the paperwork,” Yve is almost there.
“Yes,” Mohammad confirms.
“I don’t think you know what you’re saying…” Yve chooses denial.
“It is so strange that I say I don’t care, and then she says I don’t understand because it seems like I don’t care,” Mohammad is lost. “How can I tell her that all is exactly as it seems?”
“I know it is like so many times I tell Ari,” Biniyam is there for Mo.
Mohammad meets future victim Rafay for coffee, and tells him that things are tense with Yve. He says that she has what she wants with on-call childcare and greater flexibility with clients.
“On the other hand, that also means she’s working more to support another person, really needs those clients, and this is the least you could do,” Rafay brings perspective.
Mohammad admits that Yve also feeds him and diapers him, but she’s only thinking of herself in making him wait an additional 30 days. He gets tearful when he mentions taking care of his mother, and Rafay asks if Yve is aware of how isolated Mohammad feels.
“No? Well, has she noticed that she’s not on your list of reasons for doing this?” Rafay needs to escape before Mohammad asks him to be his sponsor.
Yve takes Mohammad to fusillade at her dream venue, which is an old museum with red velvet chairs, haunted by people who are dead inside. Yve notes that she has some friends that are legally ordained, and they could marry them if Mohammad becomes a completely different person.
“We could get married at the mosque,” Mohammad mohammads.
Yve reminds him that she’s still not a Muslim, so marrying at the mosque doesn’t make sense, especially since she can’t seperate the legal wedding from the marriage ceremony in her head. Plus she’s already done a lot of work to secure this venue, and has a busy schedule that doesn’t support a quickie wedding. Mohammad retorts that *her* friends and family will be there, but his are in Egypt, and he feels trapped until she applies for a status update.
Then next day, in a brilliant display of passive-aggression, Mohammad texts Yve (who is in the bedroom) to let her know he’s getting a sponsor, because he’s in the UK now. Yve thinks he’s pursuing marriage B and tells him that’s not how it works, and Mohammad insists he’s seen the show and knows all he has to do is marry the older lady and then they divorce after the reunion.
“You want everything your way,” they trade this line back and forth, with Yve still floored by his indifference.
“I also refer to being with Tharan as babysitting,” Mohammad stepdads. “So you should assume I will not be doing that once I’m hired by Home Depot.”
“Goodbye Mohammad,” Tharan takes charge.
“I’ve never seen this side of Mohammad before,” Yve says of the only Mohammad we’ve seen.
Yve retreats to cry, but Mohammad follows her and says if he can’t work he’ll go back to Egypt, so buy him a ticket. Yve asks if he even loves her, and Mohammad passes and reminds her he has dreams and goals, and a wedding isn’t one of them.
“Well if you go back to Egypt I’m not gonna go marry you over there!” Yve needs one of those B shots. Maybe two.
“Why would I marry you in Egypt to work in the US, you are not making sense.”
“Wow, apparently I am replaceable,” WTF Yve.
“You’re a user!” Danielle has a fresh throwing-binder, and hopefully her aim has improved.
Patrick’s brother John has a busy life working as Zoltar for the Wandering Wanker Circus, but steps outside of the Big Top to pour beers over Pat’s relationshit with his good friend That Guy.
“Thais hasn’t told her dad we’re getting married,” Patrick problems.
“Maybe he doesn’t like you?” That Guy takes a chance on the obvious.
“The last time I saw him he said I should punch myself in the face and try for a knockout,” Patrick considers. “That was nice, so I sent him a sexy santa suit, along with instructions of how to turn it into a phone.”
“Patrick thinks he’s the smartest guy and the strongest guy around,” John measures. “But I don’t believe for a second he knew what size santa suit to get Thais’ dad.”
“Does anyone else smell steroids?” Patrick has new concerns. “Or is that my hair burning?”
“That’s man-code!” That Guy cavemans.
“YES! Man-Code!” Patrick knew Thais’ dad’s opinion was important. “I’ll take that red flag, and shake it till it’s white.”
“That’s not how flags work, bro,” John is helping.
Later on John risks missing his Love After Lockup audition to chase Thais around the kitchen. She’s mixing ketchup and mustard together for stroganoff, and John knows condiments are isolationists. Thais tells John that he should develop his own life, and John thinks that’s ridiculous, he ruined his own years ago.
“No one understands why you haven’t told your dad!” Patrick shrieks. “Not Joey, or Jimbo, or White Mike, or Sammy the Bear, or Chachi. No one!”
“It would be weird to tell him that he was right about you and that we’re getting married in the same conversation!” Thais fires back.
“Just tell your dad! Controlling, and dad, that’s our whole thing!”
“Who keeps sending me texts?” Thais checks her phone. “This one say, ‘get to the airport, we can free you and Shaeeda.’ Huh?” Do we really need to explain this, Thais?
“Shaeeda hasn’t responded yet, either,” the crew thinks this plan is a bust.
Patrick’s family is having a reunion in Orlando, which seems like a great time to wedding to Patrick, and 2-22-22 has to be a Michael Bay movie. Patrick reminds Thais that he’s the decider because he pays for everything, and then he goes out with John to complain about paying for everything, including the wedding he could have skipped by getting married in Vegas.
“Everyone knows planning is more hilarious to God,” John is just saying.
John plays photographer while Patrick tries on suits, and boldly takes a stand in favor of pinstripes.
“My taste is impectuous,” I couldn’t agree more, John. “Also, I call Pat a pussy on a daily basis, and then he fucks himself. Pat, you wanna man-code?”
“For some people it’s really natural to talk about feelings. Well guess what? It’s really natural for me to squat 600 pounds!” Okay, Patrick. “Some people are weak as shit.”
Thais confronts Patrick about controlling every facet of their wedding, including signing a contract for a makeup artist before she speaks with her, and he argues that he has to make decisions because she doesn’t have John’s impectuous grasp of the English language.
“Besides, it can’t be that important if you didn’t tell your dad!” Patrick pivots.
Thais sees through this, and says she was very independent in Brazil, and wants that in the states, and she also agrees to call her dad to report Patrick hasn’t punched himself in the face yet.
Ari hears the producers are in the middle of a white-knuckle misery-off, and thinks it’s unfair to count them out before she’s had the chance to complain about money. Leandro is there, and the plan is to pause her frantic working-on-our-relationship schedule to go look at wedding dresses, but instead she announces she must retire to her fainting couch, having come down with an acute case of calendar-blindness.
“When is the last time you had your period?” Leandro asks, relieved that a male doctor is around to explain menses.
“I’m not sure what time zone my period is in,” Ari’s been traveling since she first ovulated.
Leandro offers to take Biniyam to pick up a pregnancy test so he can stop looking at the sky for a sign, and Biniyam asks if they can stop at the gym just for like six hours or something. Leandro wonders what Biniyam’s hoping for, and Biniyam says a human baby. Leandro protests that Ari requires two unemployed adults and a nanny for every one child.
“I’m gonna have like 10 kids,” Biniyam is confident. “Ari say Handmaid’s Tale was very inspire to her.”
Ari’s pregnancy is a bust, so she puts on her brunch heels and they go out for public arguing. Biniyam asks what she feels like arguing about today, and Ari starts with how they simply can’t afford another baby, so she’s happy to be unpregnant.
“I am starting to think that maybe like people at home are noticing that this is problem we don’t have?” Biniyam tries.
“How do you fix a problem if you don’t talk about it?” Ari has had the same problems for years and on multiple continents, but remains certain of the solution.
“We could maybe try, like, actions?” Biniyam’s problems are also the same, but the faces are different.
“Ninja class?” Tharan sees potential in Biniyam.
Bilal is sulking on his big boy bed with one fang in the throat of everyone considering having an emotional experience of their own.
“It’s not a mood swing unless everyone has it,” Bilal vampires.
Shaeeda remains determined to escape this prenup conflict without surrendering her contract request, and that means swaddling Bilal so tightly he stops fussing.
“Can you move your arms?” Shaeeda knows what’s important.
“I need something that’s important to you to belittle!” Baby Bilal breaks free.
Shaeeda has just the thing, so she takes Bilal and the actual kids outside for yoga, with Shaeeda directing movements as she would a class. Everyone is duly fucked by downward dog, which is a great opening for Bilal’s fart-jokes.
“Some people might say, ‘Bilal! You’re every single one of the warning signs in this magazine quiz!’ I’m just a jokester, what can I say?”
Shaeeda closes out the class and Bilal admits that he feels better, but probably based on something he already does and knows, and not anything Shaeeda did.
“Dad said all Shaeeda’s things are toys!” Zaynah beats Yusuf with a yoga mat.
“Beat your brother like you’re beating your lady-parts!” Shaeeda shouts her encouragement.
Off-camera, Bilal probably calls Shahidah to tell her their children’s future is in jeopardy, since Shaeeda is playing hard-to-sign with the prenup. On-camera, Shahidah arrives at the family home, strangely aggressive and ready to play mama bear over the threat Shaeeda hasn’t posed.
“These people who do not know me or my finances are certain I’m here to pirate away the Missouri McMansion,” Shaeeda wishes for an actual conversation. “We have a saying for this: *Time to purchase airfare.* But I’m choosing to believe Shahidah thought of this on her own, and that the ‘familial wealth’ referenced isn’t hers.”
“Notice his prenup says what is made during the marriage is ‘ours’? Yeah,” Shahidah just wants to point that out real quick.
Shaeeda goes out for a picnic with Bilal, and reports what happened. Bilal says he’s a bit taken aback, and thinks it’s weird that Shaeeda’s so pissed off when she’s the one stealing money from his children. So he gives her a hard copy of the prenup so she can really dig deep into it, before making the same requests that she’s already made, and reminding him of her plan to show it to a lawyer.
In the process, Shaeeda points out why she finds the prenup degrading to her position, since he’s basically claiming half of her future earnings while claiming nothing he already has is hers. Since her plan is to stay at home and raise children, she’d have to start earning income immediately for her own safety, or risk being the penniless divorcee losing her kids to the breadwinner.
“Are you gonna cheat on me? If no, then it’s fine,” Bilal, everyone.
“It’s fine for you, not me and our children that you’ve made no allowances for,” Shaeeda isn’t going to Yve this up.
Jibri harvests advice to resolve problems we haven’t seen, for a marriage already in-progress, to perform ‘in love, but troubled’ for different waitresses.
“We’ve been spending a lot of time together, since you moved to this isolated hamlet when you can’t work and have no friends or family,” Jibri jibris. “That’s not really fair to my hypothetical 12-hour studio session in LA.”
“I will not be texting you all the time when we are in LA because I will be at the club, or doing things that are not avoiding your mom” Miona explains how cities work.
“The point is, your needs mean you’re a spoiled princess, and my needs mean I’m building an empire,” Jibri Bilals. “I need a queen to hashtag.”
“Do you see what I mean?” Granny is exhausted by the brand-building. “This is not a romance. This is a commercial.”
They agree that Miona will have a weird-ass conversation with his mom when they get home, and Jibri sages the house to prep.
“Yes, but I’m talking to Mahala, not the house,” Miona is not opposed to switching the audience.
“You’re gonna need something more powerful,” Mahala is unfazed by this kitchen-witch business.
Miona goes to the principal’s office to let Mahala know they’re going to elope and then get married every six weeks until she’s dead, at which point the graveside services begin. Mahala asks where the elopement will be and if there’s any way she can make it about herself, and Miona says a lot of MIL’s do this by wearing white.
“It seems like you’re both choosing a hard path, when the boring path is right there waiting to ask if you’ve got a case of the Mondays,” Mahala whats.
Mahala catches Brian up and Jibri does the same with Miona, with radically different interpretations of events.
“I can’t support a trainwreck and like mayonnaise as much as I do,” Brian is resolved, and Jibri needs a sage do-over.
“You should have just focused on the couch,” the house has suggestions.
Kara has a predictable outfit for every occasion, so she dusts off the rodeo attire from her cheerleading squad’s car wash fundraiser, and she’s ready to beer commercial and rub some ‘Murica in Guillermo’s gums. She’s confident this is the right outfit to tell Guillermo she’ll do the whole wedding thing, upping their guest count from 4 to 40.
Now Kara stares down tasks like wrapping ribbon around tiny bottles of booze, because bubbles are for kids(balloon pop). She’s also tried on dresses, met an officiant who says things Bilal stitches onto pillows and tshirts, and booked a private dining room attached to a bar to overdecorate.
“Is the room supposed to resemble a clown car to make the officiant’s jokes funny?” Guillermo has concerns. “You know you could look at the second venue you google and not just the first?”
“Have I mentioned three weeks? Three weeks. I’M DOING THIS ALL MYSELF!”
“Imagine how helpful I’d be if I HAD A COMPUTER,” the point is awarded to Guillermo. “I could also see my brother’s memorial page then, since he JUST DIED.”
All Kara hears is blah blah blah so busy, so Guillermo asks if there’s something he can do to help. Kara responds by detailing every facet of his outfit in a tone that suggests he’s already rubbed his own feces over his suit and will wake up the morning of with a penis drawn on his cheek in sharpie.
“Do you think you’re still dating Chris?” Guillermo wishes he could man-baby before the scolding. “Do you think I’m going to show up without pants or something?”
“Did you get your haircut?” Kara is not marrying a Hardy Boy.
“Holy shit, we’re both unemployed. Today is a day I can get my haircut.”
Guillermo goes to see Kizzy, who I swear has been on another reality show cutting someone else’s hair. Kizzy produces an assortment of torture instrument to tame his mane, and while they chat he mentions he’s getting married.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Kizzy’s been there. “I was married seven years ago. We’re not together. The insurance company insists on continuing to classify him as ‘missing,’ so here it is what it is. What’s she like?”
“She’s a really beautiful person,” Guillermo begins.
“Oh she is not,” Kizzy has been a hairdresser for a minute.
“She’s a bit controlling. I’m hoping that will fade over time.”
“Oh honey,” Kizzy has seen everything. “That control juice is going to age into a fine whine.”
“People change?” Guillermo tries.
“People also change their minds,” the point is awarded to Kizzy. “Once you get married there’s no point in changing.”
Kara is not prepared for the type of haircut Guillermo’s just experienced, and while she wants to have a date night, Guillermo wants to talk about his feelings. They both order margaritas to best lubricate the coming argument.
“I’ve been talking to Kizzy,” Guillermo begins. “And I’m wondering if you’re going to be the same shitty person forever, or nah?”
Since 48 hours later they’re getting married, Kara thinks the timing is a bit effed. She says she’s been busy feeling happy and in love, and asks for details on what he’s lacking.
“Respect, understanding, and communication,” Guillermo recites Kizzy’s warning label. “Maybe a spine so I am not so easy to influence.”
“How do you feel disrespected?” Kara shakes her head and rolls her eyes and fully misses the irony. “If you’re not confident in marrying me then don’t.”
At this point dinner is basically over, and Kara wants to go home so Guillermo can have that time to think he suddenly requires, after being the dude who wants a big wedding.
“Yeah, but you BOTH have a few days to decide,” Patrick man-codes.
Kobe is still sore from Emily proposing to herself, so he’s reading mean tweets about her to calm his wedding anxiety. Emily interrupts to request his presence for non-specific errands, and off they go.
“So do you remember that cute ovulation app I showed you and said, ‘OMG I’m ovulating!’ and then we had sex?” Emily doesn’t suffer calendar blindness, but she does find it super annoying.
“I told you not to take birth control!” Kobe and Emily have a lot in common.
“Right, and then the pull-out method became the put-it-back-in method, remember?” Emily recalls the dramatic conclusion of this encounter. “I know we’re still living in my parent’s basement, but this seems like a way to totally take over the main floor.”
“And the business?” Kobe wants to keep that dream alive.
“Probably later, but first we need to decide which one of us is going to be on OnlyFans,” Emily has a planner for this. “This is just an idea, but maybe this is something we can do as, like, a couple.”
“But everyone has already seen your boobs,” Kobe has a point.
“But you’re a former underwear model, so everyone has seen you mostly naked, too,” Emily is putting it together.
“I think then it is just porn,” Kobe writes ‘research OnlyFans’ in his invisible notebook.
They stop at a gas station to get a pregnancy test to take right there in the bathroom, proving they’re the only two members of this cast earning their fucking keep. The grateful crew zooms in on a *braces and support* sign while the manager wonders who is fucking in the bathroom this time, Twilight Zone music happens, and they walk out pregnant.
“My dad is going to be surprised,” Emily has met her dad. “Oh my God, now he’s going to have to come up with a new rule.”
“But it’s okay, because this time we have a plan,” Kobe will see you next season and on OnlyFans.
NEXT WEEK: Ari takes her unsure-tour on the road to weeble about wedding dresses, Kara is having a bachelorette party to celebrate her status, Mohammad throws his bike in the trash like Karate Kid, Shaeeda and Yve hide from the Self-Esteem Fairy together, everyone agrees Jibri is 15 years-old, Mahala encourages Jibri to cure his pending homelessness with a hat sale, and Thais tells her dad that she’s figured out how to be controlled on multiple continents.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS! patreon.com/fractalfay

In Sharp Entertainment’s latest prod-uction, the only show with more silent cries for help than a haunted orphanage, 90-Day Fiance, we see our protagonists questioning their relationships. Should they get married, are they ready for that level of commitment? Or wait, what, at least 80% of us have to get married? There’s a quota?
Yve and Mohammed
At least Therin is having fun, he’s doing his ninja class. Yve isn’t she has to push the wedding back a month, oh wait, Mohammed doesn't know this? Mohammed would settle for a simple wedding but Yve wants something nice. She’s only doing this once….
Mohammed wants to work as soon as possible, if I tell her maybe she doesn't want to get married the reverse psychology…nope. Reverse Psychology doesn’t work on people who have observed a ninja class. Much like how PTSD doesn’t exist after you’ve had to watch 10 toddlers by yourself. Nice try shellshock, it was very illegal.
Mohammed decides to go for a bike ride to clear his mind and meet a friend. Rafay understands him, his brother El would be here but he’s back home watching Ninja Turtles. Mohammed spills all the tea over coffee, now that he’s here Yve is being selfish, and working whenever she wants, making money for them. To pay bills and legal fees, Yve is ignoring him. He has dreams, he misses his mother dammit.
He can get another sponsor, are Nicole’s parents still sponsoring Azan? He’s a free agent. He can be Syngin’s step-sponsor brother.
Patrick and Thais
Patrick wasn't lying, he told John about Thais’s lying and scheming. John is here for this. This woman who locked him in a Sorrows Closet should go back to Brazil. This is sus, we need more alcohol! Patrick has set an ultimatum, Thais has to tell her dad. John and his friend don’t have faith in him, he says that he can make red flags white, which is racist. He needs the testicular fortitude to recognize microaggressions and tell his wah-man who is in charge.
Back home Thais is making Patrick a special dinner, just for Patrick, you get back in that Sorrows Closet John! This Stroganoff is for Patrick only, go! The skills that I learned at the Vadimir Putin School of Negotiation will, or, she has a knife.
John is too drunk to give up though, he’s not leaving until he has answers. He will mess with the chicken! Not David Murphey is definitely done, he’s going to put some in his mouth. John is not impressed, but he is here for this argument. He will help.
He went to the Samuel Adams school of negotiation, just keep drinking and saying words. My entire family also went to that school. And it is surprisingly effective. Thais storms off, and John just keeps drinking. No more Sorrows Closet for him.
But lurking in the shadows, or just behind the wall, is Thais, spying. That’s right honey, don’t talk to your brother about our issues. Bachelor party and hookers? Prove your royalty or I shall put something else besides ketchup and mustard in your Stroganoff!
John is shocked that she has ears, and that Patrick refuses to lie to her, he cannot let The Vladimir Putin School of Negotiation win! It’s not American. Under threat of his brother’s death, John attempts to backtrack and, what was in my…NOOOOO!!! Is that all the couches in the house up against the door? Did she go get more…
Patrick and Thais productively discuss their issues in private. Which goes better. But John will return for tuxedo shopping.
Jibri and Miona
Jibri and his grandma are going to the former site of that village that Miona cursed to talk about stuff. Miona just won’t stop complaining about living in South Dakota, why? Is this where the house with the magic goat used to be?
Jibri’s grandmother is concerned, should he get married? The gnomes used to frolic in the fields right over there. Jibri has faith in his love though, but Miona is being kind of needy. She’s bringing down the vibe, what’s her problem? Jibri just wants to marry his music, his art, the legal responsibilities of the K-1 Visa are holding him back. He is a victim. Much like little Sjvetlana who used to live in a hut right over there with her drunkard father.
Jibri’s grandmother offers to officiate the wedding, maybe in that church…well there was a church. We can put up fairy lights. That won’t attract the vengeful…it will be fun! Jibri takes her out to tell her the good news, in their matching sweaters. And tell her that they’re together too much.
Does she need to go to a place? Ride a Moose. Be an independent wah-man, while on a K-1 Fiance Visa. I got you an imaginary friend. It’s the Williams in a dress his name is the Williams in a Dress. Miona loves her new bestie so much she thinks he should be in their California Beach Wedding. Jibri is disgusted by this, he wants a Queen, not a spoiled princess, her violent, demands for…The Williams in a Dress heard you talking smack about my mother.
Who still thinks that you are plotting…
Ari and Bini
Leanodro yet lives, and is going wedding shopping with Ari. But guess who’s sick? Maybe she is with child, a bebe Tony Soprano. Avi can be alone with Leandro and go get a pregnancy test. I really need this machete to go get a pregnancy test. What if there’s a lion at CVS? Start driving!
Bini brags about reproducing with Ari, asserting his dominance, she is my wah-man. You broke up, you lost her. He will give her 10 bebe Tony Sopranos, Leandro tells Ari this great news which, dammit, it was a trap! Where is Avi, child who was left alone while his mother…did he find the trap that Bini…Avi, son? Is he establishing a Limited Liability Corporation?
Ari’s test comes back as negative, so she probably just has Covid, and Avi is back from forming his Limited Liability Corporation. The producers tell Leandro to leave, and go back to Indiana, to his girlfriend. Who would be mad but look at this nice couch. Did you know that people in Brazil have to catch these like Pokemon?
Back in New Jersey Ari and Bini are going out for pancakes. Did you bring Leanodro here, is he hiding under the table? I brought my machete. So lets argue about children. Ari explains that 10 kids are expensive, and lists off reasons why they shouldn’t reproduce again anytime soon. Their child is a busboy here, how does he think they got beds? With his tips he can get us some couples counseling, that electricity bill though…
Kara and Guillermo
Kara is taking Gulliermo Buillemro to the rodeo, the ghost of his brother isn’t letting up. She is working on selling a house, one house. This isn’t Guillermo’s first rodeo, back in Venezuela he has a suicidal family that tries to grab bulls by the tail. But the national anthem here is better. Back home it’s-
“A well a everybody’s heard about the bird, bbbb-bird, bird is the word, a well a bird, bird, bird is the word, bird, bird, bird. Birbbb….”
They have food here? That’s wonderful. You know what’s not wonderful? The sheer terror that Kara has experienced, Jose Joaquim has been “convincing” her that his brother deserves a princess wedding. And you know what maybe, you are ghost you don’t need a pretzel, who paid for that pretzel? It will be a stretch financially but, excuse me, I wanted a Slurpee.
Kara has three weeks to plan a wedding and, your brother is allergic to flowers Jose Joaquim, those cost money. (Throws a vase) I mean, talking about money?
Shaeeda and Bilal
Shaaeeda says it’s yoga time, Shaeeda is going to fix the vibes. And put Bilail in such an uncomfortable position that he has to agree to the bebe-nup. She will leave him out here, it will be embarrassing. She made a sign. “This man is a narcissist who won’t give me children.” The Harlem Globe Trotters will come take pictures and put them on the internet.
But Shaaeda is feeling generous today, maybe they can talk about their problems. The Harlem Globe Trotters can just stay hiding in those bushes, ssh Harlem Globe Trotters, he isn’t lecturing me for once. We are so ready to what- we are not ready to…Harlem Globe Trotters attack!!!
Bilai’s Pre-nup onslaught isn’t done yet though, under the guise of feminism he has recruited his ex to question her motives. Shaeeda thinks they’re just building a friendly relationship. She picks up the vibes right away though, this is attitude? I live with your ex-husband bitch. And she is not phased by this pre-nup talk. If we took this outside and make it a Pokemon battle would you be talking so tough woman? Alakazam, I choose you! Take the spoons that I didn’t polish!
Show me this prenup yourself you pussy! I have a Charizard.
I give this episode ⅘ stars, the highlight was…holy crap, it’s a tie! Between the ongoing war between John and Thais and, feminism. Shaeeda and Miona sticking the f’ up for themselves. You go grown wah-men. There is no way that this show could get, what? Emily might be a child, with child? And next week they’re all still questioning, it’s going to be a good one!