Basically the title. Recently my eating disorder has gotten more severe and I’ve been fasting for long periods and when I do eat it is very little and almost always no carb and never more than 15g in any meal and I know that doing this will result in starvation ketones but I was wondering when should I be worried? Today I tested my ketones and they were 5.1 with a bg of 7.3mmol(131 mg/dl). I drank some water and they went down to 3.3. This was after about 15 hours of fasting and a low carb meal for dinner before the fast and about 3.5 hours of exercise the day before. I was just wondering if there’s any way to distinguish dka from starvation ketones other than how I’m feeling. I would also like to say that I understand the dangers of eds but right now I’m just not ready to recover and people who know me are aware and I am seeing a whole psych team and they are aware so I would prefer if people just stayed away from that subject.

This story is part of The Nature of Predators
and all rights are to the original creator u/ spacepaladin
Thanks to u/ WCR_706 for proofreading this chapter
[First] - [Prev]-
Memory Transcription Subject: Héctor Virgilio Márquez, UN-YOTUL Diplomat Date [standardized human time]: November 11, 2136
The butler brought me to a door that was surprisingly simple when compared to the rest of the doors in the manor, there were no golden decorations or additional carvings.
The butler stepped to the side of the door, "The Ma'am is waiting inside, Mr. Hector, if you need anything please call me.”
I nod my head to him. “Thank you for your services, I will remember that.”
I took a deep breath, the second of the evening, and pushed the door open. The room was very simple with no decorations, all very spartan. There weren't even any pictures, just neatly sorted stacks of paper on a desk, some cabinets, and nothing else.
Sirlen did describe Garline as an intellectual, maybe she is a doctor or scientist.
“Hello?” I called out trying to find someone, but the room seemed to be empty.
Then to my left, a hatch opened in the ceiling, and a ladder descended to the floor.
Sirlen's head peeked out from the hatch. “Oh, there you are, come here, she wants to meet you.” She said while waving her paws at me, trying to get me to climb the ladder.
I looked at the ladder, this was raising a lot of red flags in my mind, but Sirlen was there and I trusted her. And Garline had helped me, or at least she had eyes on me. I can't forget that Yotul in the elevator was one of her people, so… Despite this being a very weird interaction so far, it probably couldn't get worse.
I walked to the ladder and began to climb it until I reached the attic where I saw what looked like a doctor’s office. To my left there was a glass wall and door with what I could tell was a lot of scientific equipment, microscopes and the like, and other things I couldn't make sense of.
"Hey, stop looking at her work and come here." Sirlen ordered, snapping me out of my observation.
When I turned around I saw the rest of the attic. It was well illuminated, Sirlen was sitting on what looked like a dentist's chair as another Yotul with an apron and gloved paws stood next to her, both of them looking at me.
“So this is the human?" She asked with a note of disdain while looking me up and down. "I expected more, but interesting nonetheless. Very well, sit down." She said, slapping the dentist's chair as Sirlen got up from it.
"Erhm… no? What's this? I am not sitting in that chair without knowing what's going on, or at least who you are.” I said.
I have seen enough movies to know it's not a good idea to be left with a mad doctor, this made no sense. Fuck this, can I have one normal alien in my life… please?
The Yotul looked at me and then to Sirlen. "Seems he is jumpy, you said he would be okay with this." She spoke in a monotone voice, there was no emotion I could read there.
“He will, but you are as tactless as ever, let me talk to him while you go for the tools." That last word makes me tense, I'm getting dissected here aren't I? The Yotul I could deduce to be Garline from the photo moved past me and entered the glass chamber to grab some of her tools.
I got close to Sirlen and grabbed her arm. “Sirlen… what the hell is this?”
“She just wants to be sure you are trustworthy." She replied way too calmly, like she wasn't speaking of cutting me open.
"I am not going to be dissected here."
"She doesn't want to do that, she doesn't trust, anybody... No, after what happened with him, she needs to be sure." She replied, trying to tug me into the chair.
I break away from her grasp. "No. I am not going to do it, what reason have I got to trust her? I am not doing it." I said to her while she tried to push me forward onto the chair.
"I understand Hector, I don't like it either, but she needs this, I got her to say she will support you. The Kolshians are very closed off when teaching medicine and she wants to learn, this is to show you are trustworthy, that you allow knowledge to be passed and you let yourself be studied.”
I wanted to refute her, to walk away, but I saw her pooching face as she looked at me, and I needed this deal if I wanted the neutrals on my side in the veto vote. Goddammit.
“Alright, but why the chair? if he wants to learn she could just ask questions, I thought this would be a simple conversation about the Veto, does she even know medicine?” I asked, still not getting in the damn chair, despite how much Sirlen was trying to push me forward.
With that Garline spoke from behind me and pointed at a diploma hanging on the wall. “I got my diploma handed to me by a Zurulian doctor best of the class, you can trust me, I am a professional.” She spoke with a slight tone of disdain mixed into her usual monotone, seemed she didn't like that I questioned her knowledge.
I looked at the diploma, and it didn’t seem forged, but then again I had no idea about what to look for with Federation diplomas, so it could still be faked. But seeing how both were adamant that I either sit in the chair or I walk out without a deal, and I need the votes…
“Alright, but Sirlen, you stay close to me.”
“Aww… are you scared? Don't worry, I'll be here. She isn’t going to do anything bad to you, I got her to promise me.”
I scoffed at the notion and removed my suit jacket and tie and left them on a nearby stool before sitting on the dentist's chair, the last thing I wanted was for them to find the camera and wire.
But before sitting completely Sirlen whispered something quickly to me while Garline was distracted. "Do not lie or dodge questions, tell her the truth if you want her favor." I finished settling into the chair and rested my head against the headrest.
Garline put a cloth mask on her face to cover her nose and mouth and sat in an office chair next to me as she put gloves on her paws.
"Place the hand on the armrest." She ordered while tapping said armrest.
I complied, placing my right hand on the armrest after swallowing my saliva. She grabbed my hand and poked at it with a small stick to see how it reacted while taking some photos of its reactions.
"Interesting, close your paw."
“Say please, Garline." Sirlen said from behind, to which Garline shook her tail.
“Seriously now?" She responded with one eye on Sirlen and the other on my hand.
“Never too late to be polite, I will not try to convince Hector if you don’t…”
She shook her tail in a motion of a whip to hit Sirlen's back. "Fine, Open the Hand please." That last word was filled with resignation.
When she was done telling me to open and close my hand, Garline pulled out a small pair of nippers.
“What’s that for?” I asked, trying to pull back.
“Remain calm, this is for getting dirt from under your claws." She said while grabbing my hand and collecting a small chunk of dirt from below my nails, putting it in a small glass tube, and closing it.
“I want to know," Garline asked, "how you can kill? Claws like this are weak, mine," she said moving her paw finger to look at her gloved claws, “are stronger than yours.”
I swallowed. Alright, Hector... Poker face, just omit a few details, no matter how comfortable they look. Persistence hunting is pure nightmare fuel for them, just say the very basics of what I am allowed.
“We are tool users…. We use weapons.” I quickly said.
"Yes, I too use tools. I asked how you hunted in your beginning as a species, I know you are ambushers from what the Federation said."
Sirlen stared at me while moving her tail, probably trying to signal me to stop lying.
"But it's not a lie… that's how we hunt… we have used tools since forever. The claws… or nails as we call them, only serve to use tools and climb trees. Our tactic of hunting was finding a good ambush spot and using weapons like bows and spears." The genie is already out of the bottle, I just needed to pray they don't panic or do anything stupid. But they didn't panic... If anything they looked a little disappointed. Well Sirlen did, Garline was unreadable as usual, but at least they are staying calm.
“I see, that explains your lack of anything… I had concluded it has to do with your spectacle with the game in the garden?" She asked me.
“You saw me?”
“Yes, I did.” She said while pointing with her tail at the window. “I saw you throw the Ralchi ball, very precise.”
“Yes, we are good at throwing objects, a lot of our weapons are thrown." I replied.
“Interesting, at least you are more open than the Kolshians, they started to shake each time I tried to ask them about Predator disease." She said while looking at her diploma.
“Why so?” I inquired.
“They say is too dangerous, that anybody who has tried to even analyze it got infected, and that a Primitive like me couldn't do it."
There was venom in her voice when she spat out that last word.
“Open the mouth, I need to see your teeth.” She ordered, leaning forward with a small dentist's mirror in her paws to look at the inside of my mouth.
I complied and opened my mouth, into which she put a very unpleasant mouth opener. It was clear this was tailored for Yotul, as it pulled on my lips too much and it was making my gums ache.
“If your Claws were a joke your teeth are an entire comedy, how can you chew raw meat with this?"
She patiently waited for my response. “Is simple, we don’t?” I replied in a muffled voice.
“You don’t eat meat? Seriously trying that lie?” She spoke with no reaction in her voice, the same monotone as usual, just a small tail flick. Sirlen was behind her making weird movements with her arms.
“No, but it’s true, we don’t eat meat raw, we cook it, easier to munch.” I answered with even more semi-intelligible gibberish, hoping it was getting translated correctly.
“Is the process like beating it with a rock and grinding the food and turning it into jam?”
“No, we cook it with fire, like putting it on a spit and holding it over the flames." I told her, to which both Sirlen and Garline looked at each other and chuckled a little bit to themselves.
"An interesting procedure, you burn your food, I expect a live demonstration if you want me to believe that.” She was wagging her tail a bit as she said this, seemingly amused by my answer.
Then she grabbed another stick and rubbed it against my teeth, gathered some saliva, and put the small stick in another tube.
When the tube was stowed away she pulled out another small tube with a green liquid and opened it close to my nose.
“Smell it please.”
I complied, and I could smell blood, which made me scream internally. Whose blood I am smelling, and why was she making me smell blood? I was almost tempted to try to get away when she went back to looking at my mouth.
"Interesting." She muttered to herself while looking into my mouth. "Open and close it, as if you are biting."
I complied as she continued to look inside my mouth and grabbed more of my saliva.
Then she went after my eyes, focusing a light and making me look in all directions.
She handed me a glass of water and ordered, “Gargle the water and spit it back into the glass.”
I cringed slightly at the request as it was a little unsanitary, but I did comply. Once I finished she grabbed the glass and sealed it inside a plastic container.
"Alright alright I did your… weird medical exam, now are you going to answer my questions about what all of this is about?" I asked while getting up from the chair.
Garline looked at me before turning to Sirlen. “He deserves to know, tell him, he's not a Kolshian."
“I still don’t trust him.” She answered back.
“Hey hey," I said while snapping my fingers. "I did what you asked of me, for all I know you could be trying to poison me, so spit it out, what do you want with all of this?"
She sighed and paced back and forth while putting away all the tubes and things she had collected from me.
“I will tell you, but I want to draw some blood.” That notion makes me want to leave this place immediately, like hell I am letting her stab me.
“No, I refuse until you first tell me what’s going on, then I will decide if I let you.” I respond, She tries to ignore me and push forward but Sirlen steps in her way.
“Garline, please.” Sirlen pleads to her.
Garline looked at Sirlen. After a few tense moments, she looked at me directly. "Because you just ruined my research." Garline said in her ever-monotone voice.
"How so?” I asked, curious about what she meant.
"All I was taught about the predator infection, is gone. No salivation when smelling blood, no attack reflex, no bloodshot eyes, mental lucidity when in contact with blood, coordination acceptable." She listed off, pacing back and forth in front of us."You are a predator, yet you don't display any of the known symptoms of predator disease…"
I stopped for a moment to think of what she said, so that was her obsession. She thinks I have it because I am a predator. Guess that explains all the focus on my predatory traits. So was she trying to figure out how to flip the "predator switch" so to speak?
"I think that means predator disease doesn't exist." I retorted,
“You know that’s an umbrella term for neurodivergence right, that it isn’t real?”
“It’s NOT.” Her sudden outburst shut me up. She took a quick moment to relax. Her raising her voice like that honestly robbed me of my words, even Sirlen looked shocked over this.
"I know, it might be not the accurate term, but I saw my father… something was wrong with him." She took a deep breath and removed her cloth mask, showing a deep scar below her mouth. "My father…. Had these episodes, he would get violent. Maybe the federation is wrong on this like they are on so many things, but my father did have a lot of interactions with Hensas. Maybe it's not linked to predators, but we had yet to discover germ theory before the Kolshians came here so they have proven to be better doctors than anything we had here before the uplift, and I doubt all the studies and protocols would be about nothing. There is something there, maybe there is a link maybe not, but testing it doesn’t hurt, does it?”
I wanted to just ignore that and say no... But maybe I can gain some goodwill with this.
I sighed and rolled my eyes, I didn’t like being experimented on, but she did have a reason, and at least seemed open enough. Remember Hector, this person was still in their people's early history. They can have these weird takes on science, similar to humankind, and it doesn't help the federation brain rot.
“Alright, but I want a new needle to be used and only one vial of blood.” I set my terms.
“I was going to use a new needle, I do know what the germ theory is, sit down."
I did as she said, I didn't like needles but I had to do it… She grabbed the needle, first putting a rubber band around my arm and then pressing an alcohol-soaked rag to the skin.
"Well, your veins are very visible. Good thing, we don't need to shave your arm to find them."
I looked to the other side, trying not to look at the needle. Based on her wagging tail Sirlen seemed quite pleased with my discomfort. "Never thought I would see a predator scared, it does wonders to sell that you have empathy.”
I was tempted to shove her away but then I felt the needle going in, it was a small sting, but I didn't like it. "Scared? I am fine.” A complete lie, I just wanted to deny her that little pleasure. She just seemed to be even more amused by this.
"I may not know the most about your expressions but your face doesn't lie."
After Garline filled the vial she removed the needle and then put a band-aid to cover the small hole.
"Finished." She said. "Your cooperation was acceptable." She struggled to say that.
"You're welcome." I said as I got up from the chair.
“Yes, yes… sit on the chair, while I put this in the storage unit…. Predator blood, such an exotic item." She said, walking with the vial while I rolled back down my sleeve, grabbing my tie suit and tie. I sat down as Garline sat in front of me after having put my blood in a small fridge. She went to one of the drawers of the office table grabbed a small file and put it in front of me. The file had the symbol of the Steelers.
"Now we can get down to business?" I asked her, I desperately wanted to have results, so this doctor visit has any usefulness.
“Yes, my agents have found” She said, opening the file and showing photos of several Yotul, all of them with the Exterminators. I even saw Virlo in the Photos. "the exterminators aren't stopping, tell me how this looks to you."
I sat down, grabbed the photos, and looked at them. It would look like a negotiation, but the tail language felt odd. If the little knowledge I had about their movements was something to guide me, I knew having the tail limp and straight down meant that those Yotul felt that that chat wasn't pleasant. Then I remember Virlo was being blackmailed, are they doing the same to these Yotul?
“Looks like they are convincing them, through an assertive way I must say."
“You are right." Said Garline "We found out they have attempted to coax everybody into either voting against the veto or not voting at all."
Well, that complicates things, I looked at the photos. I didn't recognize all but I recognized some of them from my reception or the local news outlet, they were very pro-humanity.
“So any ideas on how to deal with it?” I asked her, she looked more secure now, as her tail flicked a little with what I could see as excitement, something I had never seen her do until now.
“I do, I can secure… the valuables of the coaxed Yotul, and offer the votes of the neutrals, well most of them.”
"Wait, most? Not all?" I asked back to her, she was the one calling the shots here, wasn't she?
“I control the intellectual voters, the technocrats as we are called as a joke by the Federation, but the second neutral group, the military, they only obey Ilvar. The last one of the old guard, even if his functions are more symbolic than anything, not that I can control him. I saw you had a good talk with him, so I am sure you can deal with him."
I rubbed my head, this was both better and worse than expected. Well, the drunk noble should be easy to talk down. “Yes, I can deal with him.”
“Acceptable, now if I want to protect our votes, I will have to pull out my men from your guard, I only have enough spies to aid a finite number of people, so you will be unprotected if the Exterminators try something." She said, but for some reason, it looked more like it was being directed to Sirlen than to me.
“I can protect myself and him, Garline.” Sirlen said she had been behind me this whole time.
“Then perfect, it has been a good enough time with you Mr. Hector, you prove to be willing to embrace science." She continued, now the words pointing at me. "I hope putting my trust behind you with such short notice will not be something I regret. Still, have a nice trip back.”
I raise my eyebrows "What do you mean trip back? Am I not staying at the party?"
"I would like for you to stay, but that is not possible. You will see why in..." Then she looked at the clock hanging on the wall. "Three, Two, One…"
I heard the noise of the hatch opening quickly, the Butler came in, a little agitated. "Ma'am, exterminators' vans have been reported entering the NYR-35 headed towards the manor.”
“As expected." She said. "Just in time Salton, order the Dam of Holring to open its spillways and release some water, that should buy us some time. Use the need to water the crops as an excuse." She replied to the butler, who shook his tail and went back down.
“You seem to have everything planned." I commented while the hatch closed behind me.
“I haven’t survived for so long due to goodwill alone, they will be here in an hour." She said while putting everything back in the drawer, but not before snatching the folder from my hands and placing it back on the desk. "Now let's go down, The party needs to be brought to an end."
With that we walked down the ladder and exited the fake office of Garline, as we kept going we heard a huge noise below.
“What was that?” asked Garline.
Sirlen went to the window and judging by her tail movements… I don’t think that was a good noise.
Then we heard the door swing open. "We need to hide." Said Sirlen, she was visibly tense as she pulled out her weapon. “The exterminators are here.” That was enough to make my heart drop, I would rather be back in the dentist's chair than have to deal with exterminators.
“How troublesome, The Watchers should have seen them. Unless they went through the fields, instead of using the roads… they are learning, or they are desperate.” Said Garline as she stepped back.
“Should we be worried?” I said.
“Not necessary, go back to the office, the attic is not in the house blueprints. You can hide there, just be quiet and turn off the lights. Lay low until they go away in an hour or two, they have no proof to do this.”
Hearing the steps behind us my heart jumped left and right as we got back into the fake study. Sirlen and I climbed the Ladder as Garline sat at the desk and pulled out some random papers.
“What are you doing?” Questioned Sirlen as she was climbing the ladder.
“They need to see me or they will suspect foul play, just go.”
With that Sirlen finished climbing. I pulled out the ladder leaving it to a side, as Sirlen closed the hatch and put in the bolt to lock the hatch. I went to turn the lights off, not wanting to risk them seeing the light coming out from the holes between the planks. Then we listened in silence as we heard the door open and someone step inside.
Hello. Miss me? here we go with this month chapter met Garline the leader of the Technocrarts, and the most influential leader of the neutrals, what you think of her? did she go overboard when examinating Hector, or it was justificate?

It's going to be a long one. Warning, full birth story.
I'm officially a loss mom x3.
When someone tells you they've had three losses, most assume 3 early miscarriages. 3 pregnancies where baby doesn't "stick". After all, that's the most common method of loss. I however am in another camp. I just had my third traumatic second trimester loss at 20+4.
My first was in Sept of 2021. Archer was born at 25+2 and lived an hour due to preterm labor. I had no idea I was even laboring until I showed up at L&D and I had no measurable cervix. My second was April of 2023. After our long wait due to a c section, we were thrilled to be expecting again, with Aubree's due date the same as her brother's birthday. My pregnancy with her was wrought with issues from the start. I had a lot of bleeding with her on and off, but she was thriving despite that. Our fifth emergency trip with her ended in a helicopter ride to try and have an emergency cerclage placed, but it was too late. I had to deliver, and she was born still at 19 weeks due to a placental abruption.
After Aubree's death, people started to notice that something wasn't quite right. The high risk Dr referred me for testing, and I found out last July that I had a rather large uterine septum (3.67cm). I had my first surgery for that 12 days later on July 24th. At my follow-up, things looked good, but I still had some residual septum, so we opted for another removal. That happened on Sept 21, the day before Archer's second birthday and Aubree's due date. On Halloween last year, I was deemed to have adequate resection of that septum, and it felt like we had won. We finally figured out what had caused my last two losses, and the next pregnancy was going to be different.
We ended up conceiving the first cycle we tried last Dec. I found out I was pregnant the same week my second niece was born ( first being the week I was supposed to have Aubree vis c/s). It really helped me to cope with the emotions surrounding the new baby.
Pregnancy #3 had a rocky start. Between weeks 6 and 11, I had almost weekly bleeds with rather large clots. Despite all that though, baby thrived. No one could really pinpoint the bleeding source as it never presented itself the same way. At 12 weeks I had a preventative cerclage placed where I found out my cervix was already soft and short. Turns out I have an incompetent cervix in addition to the septum. After that, things were good. I felt good, baby was growing, and we were on cruise control. We had her anatomy scan at 18+4 and everything looks great. They did note I have a dynamic cervix, but my lengths looked good otherwise.
Here's where number 3 went wrong.
May 4th, my husband and I were enjoying a quiet morning at home. We were having lunch when I felt that all too familiar feeling. I stood up, told my husband I thought I was bleeding, and rushed to the bathroom where I discovered instead that my water broke. We were only 20+2. I had no other signs of labor, but my immediate concern was my stitch.
We rushed off to the hospital an hour away in hopes of answers. They confirmed my fear, but they offered hope. I was not in active labor. My cervix was closed, and baby was doing well despite low fluid. This situation is very dangerous for mom due to infection risk, so they offered termination (even in TN- this is one of our few exceptions), but they said we could fight for her. So we did.
We had a game plan. They admitted me for IV antibiotics and monitoring. I was to stay for 48 hours, take more antibiotics at home, and then return home until 21+5 where I would then be admitted and given steroids for baby with hopes that would make it to at least 22 weeks. We obviously wanted way longer than that. We were looking at a long haul inpatient stay.
The first 24 hours were fine. I started passing clots and bleeding in triage, but they were undeterred. The bleeding lessened as the hours passed, and we were hopeful that things were working.
The evening of May 5th, the sky fell. Around 6:30p, I started feeling what I thought might be gas pains. By 7:30, they felt “rhythmic". Not feeling quite like contractions, but they were regular. I called the nurse and she suggested I drink some hot tea and take a walk, so we did. After my dose of antibiotics around 930, I went to the restroom and passed what I could quickly count was 10+ clots hitting the toilet. I knew right then and there that it was over. The next four hours were a whirlwind.
They came in to check the status of my cerclage and found that her umbilical cord had prolapsed through my cervix. I was in active labor and at risk for tearing through my cervix and causing more damage. They moved me to a delivery suite so they could remove the cerclage. I endured that without any pain relief while contracting. Do not recommend. I was immediately dilated to 3cm, and it was certain that things would move fast. I was already in quite a bit of pain, so I requested an epidural, but they had to run labs to make sure it was safe. In the meantime, they were able to give me a shot of morphine, but that did absolutely nothing to help. It made me feel terrible and did not take the edge off.
By the time anesthesia came around, my pain was 10 of 10. That experience was awful. As soon as they sat me up, I felt pressure in my bottom. They asked if I wanted to skip the epidural, but I was in no state to make a decision. The nurse encouraged me to continue so I would be more comfortable. I not only had to deal with the contracts and the morphine, but I was also dealing with blood pressure issues. I bottomed out with the numbing and felt incredibly nauseous. After placement, they gave me some time to hopefully get the epidural to help. It did nothing for my contraction pain.
I pushed for about 5 min, and baby Edie entered the world at 2am on May 6th. She never took a breath. She fought so hard to stay with us until the end. They did an ultrasound around 1145, and she was still alive. I was able to record her little heartbeat. She was perfect and beautiful in every way.
We spent yesterday trying to make a lifetime of memories with our girl in a few hours. It's time you never get back.
Now I am trying to cope with not only a third loss, but I am also struggling with the idea that I may never be a mom to living children. My body has failed three of them. I have a followup appt with MFM in two weeks, and we are hoping to get some insight into next steps. There's a good chance a TAC is in my future. My husband doesn't want to stop fighting, so I won't give up either.
I know that I did everything I could for them and this wasn't my fault. But no one should have to endure the death of their child, much less three. I have comfort in knowing that Edie is with Archer and Aubree wherever they are, but I so desperately wish they were all here with me instead.

Air Pollution and Asthma

Air pollution can cause asthma and other lung diseases. It also worsens asthma symptoms, leads to increased hospital visits, and can cause early death.

What Is Air Pollution?

Air pollution is the contamination of the air with substances that harm human health or the environment. The pollutants may be gases, chemicals, or small particles.
Air pollution can increase your risk of getting asthma or can worsen your symptoms if you already have asthma.
Airborne Particles
Small airborne particles, such as those found in haze, smoke, soot, and dust, can lead to serious air quality problems.
Small airborne particles are called “particulate matter” or PM. The smallest particles (PM2.5) are the most dangerous. They can get deep into the lungs or even your blood.

• PM10 examples: dust, pollen, mold
• PM2.5 examples: combustion particles, compounds, metals, smoke and soot, emissions

People with asthma are at greater risk from breathing in small particles and irritating gases. They can irritate the airways and make asthma worse.1
Ozone (O3)
Ozone, a gas, is one of the most common air pollutants. Ozone is helpful in the upper atmosphere but causes problems when it is found closer to the ground in the air we breathe. Ground-level ozone is part of “smog” or haze. It is most common in cities where there are more cars and use of fossil fuels. It is also more common in the summer when there is more sunlight, heat, and low winds. Ground-level ozone is created by chemical reactions between burning fuel emissions and volatile organic compounds (VOC), heat, and sunlight. It is associated with worsening respiratory diseases such as asthma and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD). Ozone triggers asthma because it is very irritating to the lungs and airways.
Nitrogen dioxide (NO2), Sulfur dioxide (SO2), Carbon monoxide (CO), Methane (CH4)
Other gases can also affect your health and environment.
Nitrogen dioxide (NO2) comes from burning fuels. It also forms from emissions from cars, trucks, other vehicles, and power plants. It is part of smog (haze). Breathing in NO2 can cause someone to develop asthma. It can worsen lung disease, especially asthma.3
Sulfur dioxide (SO2) comes from burning fossil fuels, transportation, volcanoes, and industrial processes. It can be found in smog or haze. SO2 can harm plants (including trees). It can harm your lungs and lead to health problems.4
Carbon monoxide (CO) forms from incomplete combustion of fuels and wood. It has no smell. It can be very dangerous when it builds up inside buildings, homes, and cars.
Methane (CH4) is another gas that is part of air pollution. It mostly comes from animal agriculture and in subarctic regions where it is released from melting permafrost. Fossil fuels (oil, gas, coal) and waste (food, landfills, wastewater) also add methane to the air. Methane is 30 times more potent at trapping heat than carbon dioxide (CO2) as a major greenhouse gas, worsening the climate crisis. Methane can turn into ground-level ozone, which is harmful to human health.5
The United States Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) defines air pollution as “any visible or invisible particle or gas found in the air that is not part of the natural composition.”

How Does Air Pollution Affect Asthma and Health?

Small particles and gases in the air can pass through your nose or mouth and get into your lungs and blood. Both long-term and short-term exposure to air pollution can cause many health problems.
Breathing in air pollution can cause:

• Breathing problems
• Asthma attacks
• Difficulty breathing deeply
• Worsened asthma symptoms
• Decreased lung growth in kids
• Reduced lung function
• Needing more doses of asthma drugs
• Needing emergency treatment for asthma
• Heart and blood vessel diseases
• Hospital visits
• Adverse birth outcomes (such as preterm birth, low birth weight, stillbirth)
• Early death6

Who is at the most risk from air pollution?

At high levels, air pollution can be harmful to everyone. But even lower levels of air pollution can harm health.
The groups most at risk from the harmful effects of air pollution include:

• People with lung disease like asthma
• People with heart disease
• Babies and children
• Senior adults
• People who work outside
• People who are active or exercise outdoors
• Individuals who are pregnant and their fetuses
• People who live near sources of pollution (busy roadways, power plants, industrial facilities, oil and gas production sites)
• People who have lower incomes
• Black communities, Hispanic communities, and Native American/Indigenous communities

I have 2 dogs, and I adopted the older brindle about 7 months ago because seeing a 10 year old dog in the shelter broke my heart.
Here's where the problem comes in. My younger dog and I have been in disability service dog training through a company for 2 years now, costing me quite a lot of money, and she is almost ready for her public access test (Australia, you have to have a test to be in public). Whenever me and younger dog leave, older dog barks and howls. I bought a citronella collar for her and that worked for a bit when I got her but I think she has gotten nose blind to it and now it doesn't do anything.
My neighbour is a nightmare Karen and even though older dog is alone for ~maybe~ 12 hours a week with her small howling maybe once every 5 mins (doubt she can hear it) and barking or making a lot of noise once every half hour for like 5 seconds (she's old and has issues with her voice box from previous home) she will absolutely try and get me kicked out of the complex. She reported me for having plastic boxes stored on my balcony which almost got me kicked out soooo...
What tips do you guys have for this situation? I'm thinking unfortunately I may have to muzzle her which breaks my heart cause she's a sweet amazing dog and hearing her howling kills me but the neighbour is insufferable so I have to protect our house and living situation first. I also started a new medication this week which causes low blood pressure and my service dog is trained to alert to that but now I can't take my service dog anywhere because of older dogs howling so it's putting me in actual danger. (Older dog doesnt howl when younger dog is home too). What are my options here? Any advice would be appreciated, I'm really upset about this :(

"Lies My Doctor Told Me: Medical Myths That Can Harm Your Health" by Dr. Ken Berry is a compelling critique of prevalent medical practices and beliefs that the author says may be detrimental to health. Dr. Berry, a practicing physician, challenges conventional knowledge in the medical sector and gives alternate perspectives established in both scientific study and his own clinical experience.
The book is arranged into chapters addressing different health-related myths, such as the low-fat diet craze, the cholesterol fallacy, and the assumption that saturated fat is intrinsically dangerous. Dr. Berry scrutinizes these beliefs through the lens of evidence-based medicine, giving persuasive arguments supported by scientific studies and medical literature.
Throughout the book, Dr. Berry encourages readers to question standard medical advice and take charge of their own health decisions. He argues for a return to complete, unprocessed foods and highlights the importance of dietary fat, protein, and micronutrients in maintaining optimal health. Additionally, he discusses themes such as the overprescription of drugs, the perils of excessive sugar consumption, and the benefits of intermittent fasting.
While some readers may find Dr. Berry's contrarian stance invigorating and uplifting, others may be suspicious of his assertions and recommendations. However, regardless of one's opinion, "Lies My Doctor Told Me" serves as a thought-provoking investigation of the intricacies of modern medicine and the value of critical thinking when it comes to health and wellness.
In conclusion, "Lies My Doctor Told Me" delivers a fascinating critique of popular medical myths and practices, challenging readers to reconsider their views and make educated decisions about their health. Dr. Berry's plain writing style and evidence-based approach make this book accessible to a wide audience, making it a wonderful resource for anybody interested in taking a proactive approach to their health and well-being.
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About
This is a system I'm working on for an historically based game during the late middle ages. The combat aesthetic I'm going for is grounded chaos. Please let me know if you have any ideas to expand on a concept or streamline it further
Step 1
If you want to start a physical conflict or if it's your turn to act when conflict begins, you may choose one aggressive or defensive maneuver
Aggressive Maneuvers:

• Fight at the Point — move near an enemy and engage with a melee weapon
  
• Fight at the Hand and Haft — move immediately adjacent to an enemy and engage with short weapon strikes, grappling, and unarmed blows
  
• Loose — if you have a projectile weapon drawn or readied, release it at a target
  

Defensive Maneuvers:

• Movement — move up to your maximum movement distance
  
• Ready — draw a bow or take a poised stance
  

Step 2
When you attack, roll from 1d6 to 3d6, based on skill. Your weapon may influence this roll. For instance, a two handed sword may allow you to re-roll low numbers when fighting at the point.
If the target's defense is greater than or equal to the highest rolled die, then they may contest the assault with a reactive maneuver.
Reactive Maneuvers:

• Void — move out of the attack's measure
• Bind — meet the attack and fight at the hand and haft
• Ward — deflect, push, or beat the attack aside

Step 3
If any dice exceed the target's defense, then their guard is broken, which means any readied position is canceled.
If a six is rolled, the target is staggered. They cannot react until they recover. A target can choose to keep fighting while in a staggered state (imagine a boxer continuing to brawl and clinch after losing his legs), or they can use their next action to get out of danger and recover.
If two sixes are rolled (or if two sixes accumulate due to not recovering from a stagger), then the target is incapacitated. This can either be life threatening or not, which is up to the narrative, but while a character is incapacitated, they are out of the fight
If three sixes are rolled or accumulate (aesthetically intentional), the target is dead.
Readied Positions
Readied stances, or "guards", are acquired with skill, not dumped on the player all at once, unless if they play a knight. These positions aren't necessary to prevail in most conflicts, only for going toe-to-toe with particularly difficult opponents or contesting a strong tactical position
The following are some examples:
Rooted Guard — immediately recover from a stagger and return to your guard, though there are strict limitations to your offense and mobility in this position. This guard allows you to ward off attacks directed at a companion
Threatening Guard — hold your weapon above your head, behind your shoulder, or otherwise with great intent. Your strikes will be devastating and your wards can break guards or cause direct harm. Mobility is limited to linear movement
Sturdy Guard — hold your point forward in a rigid manner. Overall defense is improved
Evasive Guard - hold your weapon relaxed and focus on footwork. Great for frustrating slow enemies in duels and avoiding a flank
Master Techniques
These skills are the pinnacle of martial competency and typically employed by specific weapons. Here are a few ideas so far:
The Stroke of Wrath - a reactive maneuver and also an offensive maneuver. Perform a sword hew to close off the target's line of attack while simultaneously striking at the face. Executed from the Threatening Guard
To Rake - an offensive maneuver triggered at the hand and haft while using an axe. Pull the opponent's weapon out of their hands by using the beard of an axe bit
The Fisherman's Stroke - use two-handed axe or polearm while fighting at the point to snag on the opponent. This one offers a mixed bag of results, such as taking off a gauntlet, or pulling a knight off his horse. This technique is immediately available for the bill and pollaxe
To Drag Hellward- while fighting at the hand and haft with any two-handed weapon, wrap the haft or blade behind the target and use it to pull them to the ground. If the target is wearing full armor, you may perform this technique by grabbing the bevor or visor (this actually happened in one real-life duel)
The Ox Horn - attempt an overhead thrust to any exposed armor gap around the neck and face. For thrusting weapons, including warhammers and axes with spikes
The Adder's Lunge - an explosive, shooting thrust from the closed guard. Difficult to react against, but overall low power. Can be combined with Ox Horn or Stroke of Wrath
Doubling Cut - if the defender wards your sword cut, you may turn a cut to the other side of their guard with a low power attack. Failing the cut causes a broken guard
Crooked Strike - while voiding an attack while fighting at the point, you may strike at the opponent's hand, possibly disarming them. Failing the strike causes a broken guard

Hello. I have finally gotten a CGM approved, the freestyle libre 3. I need to CGM primarily to alert me of dangerously low blood sugar in the night. I am facing two issues:
(1) The freestyle libre 3 app is not compatible with my android phone and I can't afford a new phone.
(2) It appears there is an individual reader you can purchase, but it comes with a predefined alarm that alerts you when blood sugar is less than 60. My blood sugar is less than 60 probably a dozen times a day and this is not useful for me.
I need to be able to set the alarm for when my blood sugar falls lower than this, more likely less than 50. Is it possible? Are there any third party devices? I read that even with the phone app, the lowest you can customize the alarm to is 60!
Thanks for any info

Common sense is common sense. But I can't seem to find any conclusive evidence that having a longer tractor and/or sleeper increases your chances of survival. One would think a day cab is the most dangerous, but I don't see it as much different for a longer tractor. Does anyone have fuel or gas experience? Getting tired of the low pay with explosives and corrosives and thinking about how nice the pay raise for fuel or gasoline would be for the same or less hours I'd have to work.

Mini serial up in my head for a while. Writing after 10 years pause, please go easy on me. No hfy yet, just setting things up.
........................
Looking up towards the orbital ring, through dirty plexiglass roofing, James wipes his forehead and furrowed his eyebrows. The ring, known to the local as Halo Station due to the yellow sun glinting off of it when the angle is right, was an ugly strip of brutalist sunshade in James's opinion. It had been hastily constructed over the course of five years with government of private fundings, with the local bureaucrats and politicians the most well off from the scheme. The locals, third generation from the initial colonisers, had been opposed to government postings from the hub worlds but was strong armed by the mining and agriculture conglomerate to accept it. There were of course altercation between the locals and the conglomerate but anything larger than a demonstration were heavily suppressed with threats of cutting off vital terraforming supplies. The uneasy tension lasted until the ring orbital proposal was announced, with the locals divided in two camps. One was in favour, their thinking was that the station would bring attention of the wider human communities to their plights. The opposing view is that it would only bring more corporate interest to their system, with the oppressions and wealth discrimination that their forefathers escaped from to this new world in the first place.
James was of neither the opinions. He was planning on hitchhiking across the frontier worlds, edges of the explored galaxy, relying on his knowledge and skill of hydroponics to earn his living. He empathise with the locals, as he was ine himself, but knew that corporate greeds is as inescapable as taxes and death. The only thing keeping him from despairing the future was the tiny sum his family saved up. He wasrecently orphaned, but his parents were rather well off when they were alive, working on the water treatment plants of the terraforming complex, before an influx of dissolved salts from a hydrothermal vents eruption caused a chlorine gas build up, leading to an explosion when they were doing maintenance on the gas extraction chamber. James was thankful that at least his parents passed away painlessly, but the funeral arrangements had cut into the family funds. It was due to this that he was still stuck on the half terraformed planet.
"Penny for your thought?" asked a hoarse gravelly voice. One would be forgiven for thinking the owner of the voice a male. A frail looking woman with grey hair peered up at James from behind a trellis supporting vines of red pod peas. "Counting down the days the merchant trader will pick me off this pile of dirt," James replied, "Not that I don't see why you would want to stay here." "Can't get the theiving bastards to give me my insurance money otherwise." The woman scowled. " Speaking about that, how's the surgery going? Inhaling that much chlorine would put anyone out of action, not that I'm not thankful for pulling my parents out of there. The company would've let them dissolved if they had their way." James asked the woman. "Well, the off world volunteer doctors bumped me up cue and if lady luck don't interfere, I'll be fully recovered by the end of the local year." she replied with a chuckle then a cough. The planet they are on has a 22 hours day but 976 days per year. This has made the locals used phrase 'end of the year' as a joke for deliberately slow bureaucracy, especially when the government is the one paying. Elisabeth was working with his parents when the accident occured, a toilet break saving her from the experience. She was trained as a first reponder and had taken it up on herself to at least recover the remains of her colleague and friend. Either due to cost cutting or by sheer incompetence, the recently cleared hazmat suit she took from the emergency storage had a leaking hose and she had barely survived. James was grateful for her action and offered her a job in his mostly automated hydroponic farm as she waits for the company to pay her insurance as she can no longer do heavy manual labour. James was going to transfer all his business to her as thanks when he got off planet but had told her yet. "I hope you recover fully," James smiled at the not bad news, "I'm going to give you this farm and the house after I leave. You've been a good friend to the family and I'd to see you suffer because of a good deed." Elisabeth looked thoughtful for a moment then nodded, realising that James was resolved. "I have no need for more money than what I need to survive, I'll send any profits left from the farm to you. You'll need it if you're going to gallavanting around the galaxy." Elisabeth said with a firm tone, or slightly deeper and hoarser to James's ear. "It'll also be somewhere to return to if the galaxy doesn't agree with you. A journey isn't complete if you haven't return and all that." she added. James was expecting this and knows that she won't change her mind. "I'll drop by with souvenirs whenever I come near this part." James said. The rest of the day went by as usual. As James finished checking the monitoring terminal in preparation for the night, a message popped up on his iris implant. He checked the message as he exited the decontamination airlock:
Dear James,
I hope this finds you well. I hate to impose on paying customers but a good friend of mine needs somewhere hole up for a few days on your planet. He has his own ship and offered to take you anywhere you wish after he finished offloading his cargo to the orbital. I have given him your contacts and attached his along with his headscan. I am terribly sorry for taking liberties but I hope you find this a good deal.
Sincerely,
Cpt. Frank Rowe
James was surprised but didn't mind it that much as he had empty rooms and he'll save some money. He quickly went into his sonic shower booth and tapped off a reply to the captain and his guest. He was preparing to cook some of the ripe tomatoes and eggplants he harvested today when Elisabeth came out of her room. He had asked her to moved into his guest bedroom when she started working on his farm and they had been having meals together since. It helped the make the house more lively and Elisabeth liked his cooking. "I don't know if it's the fresh produce or your cooking that make something mundane taste this god." Elisabeth said in between bites, "Either way, I'll miss this when you go. I'll have to remember to scan this into the automeal." "It'll be close but the Dad's recipe needs more dressing oil and salt than the standard automeal will allow. It won't be too unhealthy if you work and sweat enough for two people." James grinned, "My parents always debated this over dinner." "That reminds me about the workload. I will have to automate the fish feeder, my lungs are about done by the time I finished checking the fruit bins," Elisabeth said. "I'll dial in the settings tomorrow, you'll only need to top up pellets." replied James.
That night James got a reply from the guest confirming he will take up the offer. The guest will arrive in two days and James planned to offer his own room. He had not touched his parents bedroom since the accident and he is going to tidy up the room as a farewell. He did not look forward to spending a night in the room but he knows he will regret not doing something to mark off the end of his stay in this house.
On the day of the arrival, James woke up and looked at himself in the mirror. His curly brown hair that he got from his mother was growing out past his liking, along with the light stubble he put off shaving due to being busy setting up the farm for a one person operation. His grey eyes was sparkling and lively, despite waking up an hour before his usual time. He was excited since he will be departing tomorrow and had finished packing last night. After confirming with Elisabeth that everything is working fine in the farm, he left her to get used to the new routine to prepare lunch. A flying taxi touched down as he fished out a large pizza from the oven. He wiped his hands and went to greet his ticket off the planet. A short stocky man climbed down, his skin, where visible was deeply tan, highly unusual for a ship captain travelling long journey through deep space. His dark hair fluttered in the wind and brown piercing eyes take in the rural sight. His glance fell on James and smiled a toothy grin. "You must be the owner of this lovely estate!" he bellowed out with a thick accent James can't place. James walked up to him, offered his hand, and they shook. "James Howard, looking forward to getting on your ship." James replied, a bit put off by the excitement from the man. "Miguel, Miguel Emille. Captain of the Flying Snail. I am very thankful for your hospitality at such short notice. The corpo here kicks the captain off their ship! Imagine that!" James looked around for security drones, a bit fearful of being reported for sedition. The captain looked at him, confused, then in understanding, "Ah, one of those world? Say no more. I won't put my passenger in danger." "Is it not the same where you are from? That's why I'm trying to get off the planet." James asked. "No, I grew up and works mainly for the frontier colony. This one is a special favour for the captain that you contacted for a lift. Contract for some heavy metal isotopes from one of the asteroid mining station for one of your 'esteemed' governer." Miguel winked.
The rest of the day passed by uneventfully, with Miguel switching between telling news of the outer colonies and checking his ship's security cameras. The next morning, James and Elisabeth had a tearful farewell before heading off towards one of the pillar supporting the orbital that doubled as cargo elevator. As they rise, James takes a look at the purple and green landscape falling below. He could see the curvature of the planet right as they enter the orbital. He took a picture of his homeworld, intending to put into his journal to mark the start of his journey. The maglev took them towards the internal docking area, James looking out then windows at the opulence of the wealthy living in the station. As they walk towards the flying snail, they were jossled around wnd forced to stop a few times by the workers and machineries bustling around the dock. James took in the sight of the Flying Snail as they approached, staring at the size and unusual roundedness of the ship, in contrast to the blocky and angular ships standard for most space vehicles. "Custom made on Mariana IX station, designed by my grandfather. A great advertisement for my business and comfortable quarters too. And not as slow as the name suggests" Miguel said as he looked at not a few workers staring at his ship. The advertisement mentioned was stencilled in bright red cursive letters on bare metal, in contrast to the ship's black blocky registration number. As they made their way to airlock, passing the the ship's closing cargo door, an inspector passed Miguel a datapad to sign off. "Cargo confirmed received, payments are being processed by customs due to the new tax coming into effect yesterday. You shouldn't lose much with the currency exchange," the inspector said after looking the form over, " you are clear to depart when traffic control indicates." The inspector turn to another ship busy loading cargo, not waiting for a reply. Miguel lead James through the airlock to his room, a larger than standard room furnished with wooden furniture and upholstered, unheard of in a spaceship from the hub worlds. "Get yourself comfortable then join me on the bridge. The ship AI will help you with the layout. No need to address me as captain since it'll only be the two of us until your destination. I'll be going around looking for government approved bugs. Corporate overlords never can get the idea of privacy." Miguel said before leaving James to unpack. James look around the room, trying to wrap his head around the decor. It was as if someone stole a museum exhibit then use it to furnish a spaceship. He unpacked his luggage, looking around for a storage locker, before putting his meager clothings into a dark wood wardrobe. He then set off to put his toiletries in the attached bathroom before being shocked at the size and items he saw. A large oval mirror hangs on the wall above porcelain basin, with an archaic brass and glass shower cubicle with valves and pipes off to the side. He consdered the logistics of internal plumbing and water storage on the ship for a moment before shaking his head, "Might as well enjoy the luxuries. If this isn't a great start, I don't know what is."
After he finished, James head out of his room then froze as he peered into the corridor. The sterile white panelling had turned into stained wood, the harsh lighting into warm yellow glow from what looks like wall mounted lamps. He turned to look back at his room to see the standard white panelling was still there. He decided to ask the AI for directions to the Captain, "Ship? Where's the bridge?" "Please find the ship map in the mailbox behind the door," a synthetic female voice chimed out. He looked at the automatic sliding door and noticed it had changed to a wooden hinged door with a basket below a metal slot. He grabbed a rolled up brown paper bundle from the basket, unrolling it to seems to be hand drawn diagram of the ship. Other details such as crew members list and meal times are neatly list in one corner. He closed the door before following the map. He was not surprised to find his name engraved below the room number on the brass plaque on the door.
James was apprehensive about finding anything on the ship but there were signs jutting out from the wall at each intersection, surrounded by decorative metalwork in forms of flowers, pointing to major locations. The flooring hard changed from patterned wood to being carpeted the closer he is to the bridge. He finally arrived at a double door, with a plaque indicating that it was indeed the bridge, and he wondered if he should knock. He decided not to, and swung open, to hear a bell ring as the door opens. "James! Come strap yourself in. How do you like my ship?" Miguel was seated on what looks like a couch in the centre of the room, looking at a large screen. The screen shows the outside of the ship, which was the landing bay blast door, still shut. "It's nice but too much like a museum piece to be flying around," James responded, "Isn't it against regulation and too hazardous if the grav generator fails?" "That's why I set the nanites to change to standard whenever I dock. Changed back to what my grandpa designed when we're clear for take off," Miguel answered, " also cleared out to bare walls with carpeting whenever there's an emergency. Only ever happens once in all my years of flying." James had heard of nanites but wasn't aware that it could be used on ships. "The ship was supposed to be a private cruiser for a hubworlder, but he backed out of deal so the swimming pool and hydrotherapy areas was converted into the cargo hold," Miguel added.
James strapped himself in a plush fabric covered armchair near the screen. As he figured out the buckle, the comm beeped then a voice called out, " landing bay E42 cleared. All ships ensure airlock and cargo door are closed before depressurisation in 15 minutes." "Hal, check the doors and prepare for take off," Miguel said. "Sorry captain, I cannot do that." "Stops scaring the passengers. Maybe it's time you watch some modern movies." A huff sounded before the AI replied, "Aye aye, Captain." "She always does that, scaring the living daylight out of my last crew when she pretended to lock the airlock during EVA," Miguel sighed, " i don't know what my Pa was doing, feeding her all that old robot uprising movies." "I thought she was just a basic navigation AI when I asked her for directions." "Yeah, she does that to make people let their guards down before springing the 'Exterminate!' stuff on them. That's why my last crews all signed off." "Isn't that bad on you?" James asked, "also your reputation won't be good." " It's fine, I mainly take on crews for company. Most contracts I got are from fellow captains needing to take orders from regulars but are to far out to accept. She got the latest repair drones and all nanites tech to take care of all damages, excluding only jump core explosions," Miguel smiled.
They waited in the bridge, chatting about life in space and homicidal AI, with Hal, James learned shortened from Haley and pronunciation changed courtesy of the AI herself, chiming in when the checks are done. "Landing bay E42 depressurised in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Landing bay depressurised. All ships clear to take off in E42 once landing bay door fully opened. Green light will light up when ready for manually piloted crafts. Halo orbital thanks you for your business." The traffic controller speaks through the comm, indicating he is a native. Off-worlder would usually call the station 'The Regina's Ring' after the planet. Once the door slides open fully, ships start to go out in rows. When it was the Flying Snail's turn to take off, a hologram of Hal appeared besides the captain's couch and the ship starts to move out slowly in formation, coordinating with the other ships. Once the Flying Snail cleared the door, Hal spoke, "Captain, there's any energy spike reading in the aft sensor. No details on origin available due to station's plating. Seems to be mostly neutrons" "Perhaps someone forgot to shut their cargo door. Probably transporting tritium or helium three. Put up shield just to be safe."
The captain's decision turns out to be just in time as a heavy blast blew the ships out of the orbital. Alarms started wailing and James was pushed back into his seat. "Damage report!" Miguel shouted over the alarms and a diagram of the ship's system popped up on screen. "No structural damage, low EMP, main computer rebooting, shields down to 60 percent," Hal replied mechanically, "Reboot complete. Putting rear view on screen." The screen shows a large explosion on the inner ring side, dropping debris onto the planet below. The alarms turned off as Hal reports, "Ring appears to be holding. Debris calculated to fall on low population area and ocean. Minimal damage to civilians and properties." " There's that at least. Are we expected to help?" Miguel asked. "Negative, the station order civilian vessels to clear the area. No detention order." "Good, get us to the jump point. James, you got a destination?" Miguel turns to look at James. James was still trying to recover from being slammed into his seat, saved from concussions by the seat's padding. "I need to check on Elisabeth," James said as he reached for his wristcom. He then saw an incoming video call from Elisabeth. He sighed in relief as he picked up the call. "I'm glad you're alright. Exciting starts to your trip, eh?" Elisabeth said after seeing James. "Good to see you unharmed too. Did the emergency broadcast says anything?" James asked. "They were saying no damage to those living below. The corporate news network was saying it was the work of the anti-hub government groups." Elisabeth said with a grimace, "trying to weasel out of responsibility if you ask me. I need to check the farm systems in case anything went down. Safe trip out there, I don't want to cry for the second time today," Elisabeth was starting to tear up as James tried to reply before the call cut off. "All's well that ends well," Miguel said as James gathered himself, "good to see her safe. So, destination?" James thought for a moment then replied, "I've never been anywhere further than the Halo. I was thinking of getting off at the last stops but I'm the only passenger here so I think I'll get off wherever your next business ends." " Fine by me. I'm going back three system on my route here, pick up some cargo and or crews, then out to the frontiers," miguel said to James then turn to Hal, " You remembered the station with extra medical supplies looking for buyers? Set destination there." " Aye captain. Arriving at jump point. Jumping in 5 seconds," Hal said before starting the count down. The jump drive, the second most popular after warp, generates a wormhole from Lagrange points. The energy requirements is higher than warp but the near instantaneous travel time is highly value by merchants and diplomats alike.
The jump starts without a hitch and they exited into a red dwarf system. As they make they way towards a spherical station above a green gas giants, they were hailed on all frequencies as the screen starts to shows an armada of black pyramids blockading ships trying to enter and leave the station. The screen suddenly flickers then shows a black upside down triangle with glowing blueish white lights runni ng on its surface. The speakers blared out a high pitch voice, " Bags of mostly water our flattest desire exchange thinking patterns. Flattest yours here deliver. Airwaves produce expect agreement." This broadcast then repeats itself. "Ain't this the strangest day of my life," Hal said loudly. "Exciting first day for our passenger here for sure," Miguel added. James just stared blankly at the screens.
.......................

PART ONE THOUSAND AND EIGHT
[Previous Chapter] [The Beginning] [Patreon+2]
Sunday
We materialised in a shop-front alcove, with a solid concrete wall to my right and a panelled wooden display wall behind glass to my left.
“Keep going,” Rubin said in my ear.
Not sure why he was being so insistent, I nevertheless strode forward as if I knew where I was going, and in just a few steps, the presence of multiple lanes of New York City traffic swept over me. Four lanes, all facing the same way, meant we were on one of the main arterial streets like Fifth Ave or Park Ave. ‘Zara’, a clothes boutique on the other side of the street did nothing to narrow the field any for me.
Not that it mattered. My point with this deductive reasoning was that neither of those streets had curbside parking.
Yet, sure enough, Dad's SUV was on the other side of the sidewalk in the closest lane of traffic, waiting for the lights to change. “Get in, quick!” Rubin ordered.
This wouldn’t be the first time I jumped into an illegal ‘traffic-light-parked’ car, and I raced for the back door, swinging it open and diving inside just as the lights changed. The door ‘magically’ shut itself behind me as I straightened up in my seat and took in Kulon behind the wheel and Gerry in the seat to my right.
“Hey, Angel,” I said, leaning forward to give her a quick kiss. “Missed you.”
“How’d it go with—er—your uncle?” Gerry asked, struggling with the normality of me having met with her god.
“Wanna put your seatbelt on back there, Sam?” Kulon chuckled, glancing at me in the rearview mirror as we moved forward across the intersection.
“It went better than I thought,” I admitted, then grinned. “I even got a really cool old-school bomber jacket out of it.” I saw her cringe and giggled evilly. “And you can’t hate on it, because it was literally a present from God himself.”
She clenched her hands into loose fists and pressed the heels of her palms to her temple. “I-I can’t even…” she finally stammered, and my giggle morphed into a full-blown cackle.
“I’ll show you when we get home. I don’t think you’ll hate it. It’s really nice and super authentic.” I then turned my attention to Kulon. “And dude! That has got to be soooo handy,” I said, gesturing back to where I’d jumped in the car. I was blown away by how easily it would be to catch people like that, just by realm-stepping the second a car was held up at lights. No guesswork. Not even coordinates. Just knowing.
“It has its moments,” Kulon agreed. “So, are we heading home?”
“Yes, please. The guys want to go out to Angus’ place to play some more ball this afternoon, but if I don’t get some home time in with Gerry between now and then, I won’t be going anywhere.”
The trip back to the apartment was quick, with Rubin vanishing as fast as he appeared once we had the building in sight. And with him on hand to pull back the guys any time we needed them, Kulon and Quent both stayed with the car and drove away together once Gerry and I were inside.
Of course, my luck just wasn’t playing nice with me today, for I knew the second I set foot in the apartment and saw Dad rise purposefully from his chair just inside the living room that having fun-time with Gerry wasn’t in my immediate future.
“I need a word with you, Sam,” he said, stepping between the sofa and the coffee table to give Gerry access to the rest of the apartment (with Dad standing in the doorway, it was as if it had been walled off).
“Daaaad,” I moaned, not really caring at this point what he wanted. After the morning I’d had, I needed some real Robbie-food and an hour or four in bed with my girl … minimum!
“Now, Sam.” His tone changed when he looked at Gerry and added, “We won’t be long, sweetheart.”
Not that it mattered. His initial bark had taken all my attention, and I felt my heart clench in my chest, wondering what else I’d done wrong. Not even Uncle YHWH had yelled at me, and I’d accidentally screwed with a couple of his worshippers. I couldn’t think of anything to warrant that, and as I processed the possibilities and came up blank, I barely felt Geraldine’s kiss to my cheek. “I’ll go and do some light reading in the bedroom,” she said, slipping out of my arms and making her way past Dad with a nod.
A few seconds later, I heard our bedroom door open and close, and I looked at Dad like he’d kicked a puppy. “Was that really necessary?”
“Would I have done it if it wasn’t?” Dad countered, and I had to remember who I was talking to. Between my run-in with Tucker’s people and my conversation with Uncle YHWH, I was being bolder than I had any right to be.
I forced myself to relax. “Sorry. It’s been a rough morning already.” I rubbed my chest again because, contrary to what anyone says, being tasered sucked, even if I did heal from it almost instantly.
Dad immediately frowned. “What happened? I thought you were visiting Gerry’s father for breakfast.”
“We were … I mean we did.” So much else had happened, and I didn’t feel like going into all of it. And since he was standing to one side, I headed into the kitchen, dropping my shoulder low to avoid his half-hearted grab on my way through.
I stopped at the plate warmer and was miffed at its empty state. My next port of call was the divine box Robbie called Voila. I remembered him telling me how I had to know what was in there for it to work (that, and how Charlie had scared the crap out of him yesterday morning when she’d told him the box was empty), but this was also Robbie, and he always had what we wanted ready to go. I brought to mind the one thing that would tide me over until lunch. The same thing that had been missing from Tucker’s table.
Just as I’d hoped, when I lifted the lid, an egg-filled baguette with bacon and cheese was waiting for me on a single sandwich plate. “Ye-essss,” I hissed in victory, lifting out the plate and taking the biggest bite I could manage without choking myself. “Thank you, Robbie, wherever you are! I love you!” My words were utterly muffled, but he wasn’t here, so it didn’t matter.
“Their food not to your liking?” Dad asked with an amused smirk.
“The company was challenging,” I answered evasively once I’d chewed enough to swallow. I then went over to the fridge and dug out the jug of freshly squeezed mango juice that I could never get enough of. With both items in my hands now, I was happy.
“Don’t even,” Dad warned when I instinctually lifted the jug to my lips.
“Hmmh?” The sound would’ve been an innocent ‘huh’, except I’d clamped my lips closed like that had never been my plan and put the jug on the island on the way to get a cup. With the dishwasher closer, I opened the door and grabbed one of the glasses from the second shelf. I then nudged the door shut with my shin and slid into Boyd’s seat, dragging the rest of my prizes over to me.
“So, what’s the family crisis?” I asked, pouring myself a drink but keeping the jug within easy reach. Wow, I really do use that word a lot, don’t I? I took a deep swallow to clear my throat, sighed, and then returned for another huge bite of my baguette.
“My youngest brother, Barris, our Mystallian God of the Hunt, has learned about you.”
Oh, for frig’s sake! I lowered the baguette and sat back in Boyd’s chair, my full focus once more on Dad. “Okay,” I answered cautiously, torn between frustration and annoyance. The other word choice that sprang to mind was a sarcastic ‘really’, which would probably require someone picking out an urn for my remains.
Dad shook his head and raised one hand with flared fingers. “It’s nothing bad.” He then pointed at my plate. “Finish your sandwich first.”
My next mouthfuls were maybe a third of the first two, and I might as well have been eating tyre rubber for all the enjoyment I was getting out of it. “How much does he know about me?” I asked between bites.
Dad moved to stand beside me at the corner of the island. “He knows you’ve almost graduated college. He knows there was animosity between your mother and me that’s since been resolved, and he knows about the pregnancy now.”
Now, the baguette felt like a rock in my gut. “Great.”
He slid into Lucas’ seat and curled a hand around my forearm near the elbow, anchoring me in place. “Sam, I said it’s okay. He’s on our side.”
I squinted. A lot of people were making that claim lately and I wasn’t sure I believed it anymore. “What does that mean, exactly?”
Dad met my stare squarely, and I was always amazed at how easily he could do that. “He knows the dangers to your mother, so he’s going to run interference on the family for us until after the babies are born. Despite the fact that it’ll put him in the same crosshairs with the rest of our family as us when they find out he knew, he’s going to do it anyway. He only asks one thing in return.”
I barely restrained my eye-roll. “Of course he does.”
Dad’s face morphed into a dark scowl, and his grip tightened painfully. “You will show your uncle the respect he deserves,” he warned.
I dropped my eyes to his waist; so not up for this. “Yes, sir.”
Dad’s intake for breath was both loud and frustrated. He kicked the leg of the chair I was sitting on for good measure, and when my gaze snapped to his, he was pointing two fingers of his free hand at his own eyes. “That’s right, boy. Right here. Nowhere else. Not there … not there … not way over there.” He pointed to three random locations in the apartment before returning to their original spot before his eyes. “Right here. Always. You get me?”
For some reason, Dr Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham started rolling through my brain, and I was quite proud of myself that I didn’t smirk or even blink. “Yessir.”
He didn’t get any calmer. “Okay …” he finally said, after a few seconds that was—who knew how long for him if he internalised to settle down— “I know we’ve only touched lightly on this before, but I need you to lift your game before we meet with your uncle, starting with stripping the words ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’ from your vocabulary. I know your stance on human manners, and I’ve accepted your decision and will support it when it comes up with the others. That said, even the humans hardly ever use those two servitude titles anymore, and you can’t afford to appear weak in front of our family. Okay?”
Dad was compromising. I knew the family wouldn’t agree with my use of manners, but Dad was willing to back that, and to me, it was the more important of the two. “I’ll try,” I said because I couldn’t say for sure if I’d succeed without premonition, and that one wasn’t in my wheelhouse.
Ha, I made a divine funny.
So, why aren’t I laughing?
Probably because I still hadn’t heard what Uncle Barris wanted in exchange for his cooperation. It couldn’t be my head on a pike, as neither of my parents would go for that. But what?
“He wants to meet you, Sam, at a destination of your choosing and he’s agreed not to come here looking for you so long as that request is met. He hasn’t even asked for this address.”
“He’s the god of hunting, Dad. Hunting me down would be a cakewalk for someone like him.”
“True, except he’s promised not to go there unless it’s an emergency. You’re his nephew, Sam. A nephew he knew nothing about until last night. All he wants to do is meet you, and given the circumstances, I don’t think that’s too much to ask, do you?”
“How did he find out?” I asked instead of answering.
Dad’s expression soured. “Helen Portsmith. Apparently, she turned up at his gym last night with her usual spiel; only this time, your uncle put it together correctly and came looking for me for real answers. I told him about you and your mother. I told him our secrets.”
Something about the way he worded that… “As opposed to what?”
“I still haven’t mentioned Robbie or his connection to Yitzak. Nor have I mentioned the true gryps living with us, except for Tiacor, who’s there for your mother.”
I was starting to put this together. “Okay, so when we meet, no mention of Robbie as a cousin, or that he has a food innate, or that Yitzak and Collette know about him.” I got the feeling learning that we had true gryps in the household wouldn’t really amount to much, as they could be anywhere they wanted to be all over the world. It was their world as much as ours.
“Exactly.”
“What about Clefton and Nick? They’ve been here and met us too.”
“Mention them only if you want to get them into trouble for not outing you from the very beginning. Same with Nuncio.”
Well, that’s a hard ‘no’. “Maybe Cuschler?”
Dad scowled again. “There’s no bad blood between us anymore, right?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow warningly.
I sighed. Spoilsport. “Fine. But what about Fisk and the girls … and Najma?” It wasn’t that I’d forgotten my nephew, just that my brother and sisters rolled off the tongue first. “Danika’s been here, and Najma tracked me down at school before everyone else had met me. Even Fisk has popped in from time to time to touch base.”
“Barris knows they knew, and he understands why they’ve kept it quiet. Nothing’s going to happen until the reunion, and even then, maybe nothing if your mother still hasn’t given birth.”
I pushed my half-eaten baguette away and pressed my forehead to the island. “Everybody knows a little bit,” I griped. “How in the world am I meant to keep tabs on who knows what?”
Dad’s grin made me want to kick him the way he’d kicked my chair. “What do you think internalising is for? Remembering whatever we want is literally our jam.”
“I s’pose.” But combing through the details at every turn still seemed like an awful lot of effort, even if that process did seem instantaneous to everyone else. It wasn’t to us.
Dad reached past me and brought back my baguette. “Finish your sandwich. You can go as you are. Your uncle runs a gym downtown, so he’s not exactly at his best either.”
I stared at him in horror. “We’re going right now?”
“Why not now?”
Because I just got back from seeing Uncle YHWH! “I dunno. I mean, it’s too soon, don’t you think?”
I don’t know how else to describe it, but Dad’s expression turned … parental. “And when would a good time be for you with your hugely busy schedule now that school has wrapped up?” he asked like I was an idiot.
I gave a nervous, shrugging roll of my shoulders. “I understand there’s this get-together happening at the end of the year…”
I kinda expected the cuff to the back of my head and tried not to snicker when it happened.
“Don’t be a smartass. Finish your sandwich, and we’ll go. This won’t take long.”
With nothing else for it, I did as I was told, leaving the empty plate and cup on the sink since the dishwasher hadn’t been emptied. “I’m so glad I got a say in this…” I muttered quietly under my breath.
“What was that?”
“Nothing.”
I have no idea why I thought we’d at least use the front door to leave. Probably because most people did. But this was Dad, and we were going to meet his brother, and he clearly didn’t want me to have the chance of wriggling out of it.
So without warning, he slapped his hand on my right shoulder and shoved me forward, realm-stepping away with me as I stumbled to keep my footing.
* * *
((All comments welcome. Good or bad, I’d love to hear your thoughts 🥰🤗))
I made a family tree/diagram of the Mystallian family that can be found here
For more of my work, including WPs: Angel466 or an index of previous WPS here.
FULL INDEX OF BOB THE HOBO TO DATE CAN BE FOUND HERE!

Hi all! This is my first post here after lurking for about a week now. Kind of nervous but I know I've been meaning to get this off my chest and I don't know where else to ask, I also think this is the best place to get a good wide view of many different peoples opinions..also, please excuse me if I say something ignorant, this is all hitting me at once and my thoughts have been nonstop the last few days. Also also, please excuse this long ass post 😭 I’m a big yapper and once I start typing I can’t stop. Anyway so houh, here l go l guess
To begin, I’m [17M.] and live in the USA. Like the title says, l often wish I was a girl, but I don't hate being a man. And I DONT feel like a girl born in a boys body; And that really worries me..
I think it worries me because it seems a lot of transgirls feel that way, like they were born in the wrong body, and hate being a man and hate their body hair and hate being called a boy or by he/him…but I feel fine with all of that. And I don't NOT feel fine about any of it either. Even physically too, when I’m looking in the mirror, I see a man. I am a man. I was born like this, and I don’t mind having male genitalia. Maybe some small stuff, like wishing I had smaller hands, softer skin, softer hair, bigger eyelashes, random things. And socially too, I don’t mind having “a boys night” with my family or anything. And again I think that worries me because, what if I'm not trans? What if this is all just in my head. Which l've googled literal dozens of times the last few weeks in almost every way I could put it, to try and see if anyone else feels as I do.
Along with dozens of more questions, watching YouTube videos about being trans, reading articles and taking “am I trans” tests. It’s all that’s been on my mind the lately, more than it ever has been. And by that I mean, I’ve kind of always felt this way, mainly in middle school is what comes to mind first. I use to steal my sisters and moms clothes and wear them, take pictures, call myself a “trap.” But unfortunately I think back then it was more a sexual thing.. I mean, what else from a horny hormonal teenager right..?
but, it made me feel good. And one thing that really messed with me is when Snapchat first came out with that ‘girl filter’ where you could have a face filter to look like a girl. I took lots of pics with it..
And a big one, is that I once, only for a week, labeled myself as genderfluid on social media, and then realized I’m stupid and just forgot all about it.
Another is, which I would rather not elaborate further upon. and. I often look back with regret with this, I use to catfish online, but not dating! I would present myself as a girl.. tricking people into thinking I was one.. and. I kind of loved the way I was treated as one, so I kept doing it. For months. Something even happened, where I felt close enough to someone to admit I actually wasn’t a girl, and my main reason was, I just felt good being treated as a girl. And how everyone thought of me as a girl. I said that when I was 14.
And even now, like a few months ago before I really started delving into all these thoughts, (and this obv wouldn’t be the first time I’ve done this) on a discord server, I’d name myself a feminine name, but never as trans. And I’d just appreciate people referring to me in a feminine way. But I wasn’t lying this time, people on the server knew I was a boy and I always called myself one, and again I never got upset or uncomfortable with being referred to as one.
For some context… 2018-2022 was the worst years of my life. I was extremely suicidal and depressed, attempting and self harming multiple times. I was on a constant downward spiral since 2018 until 2022, the lowest I’ve ever been. but after something big happened, and to put it VERY shortly, I got better. And currently as of today, I’m the happiest I’ve ever felt in life! So with all that, in 2023 I spent all last year pretty much just reflecting, on everything. In my life, my friends, my past, my mistakes, everything. And during all of that reflection I noticed something, and what I noticed and realized, was how many little things and signs that could point to me being a transgirl, which I didn’t really understand before. Me catfishing, wearing girl clothes, a big one is that I can do a “girl voice” which I mainly just used all the time to make jokes and make people laugh in a really sarcastic and dramatic way, like a loud and obnoxious girl and it would make everyone laugh. And many other ‘signs’(?) that I can’t remember right now. But I realized there’s been a lot, littered through my whole life. And that really messes with me.
Right now I am riddled with doubt and confusion, with so so so many questions, my mind feels like a sand storm right now. Like these are just some of the stuff I’ve googled recently:
“What constitutes as gender dysphoria”
“never had gender dysphoria until recently”
“i'm scared that i'll detransition”
“i want to be trans but ill miss stuff about heing a boy”
“I want to be trans but i feel masculine”
“Will the trans thoughts ever go away”
“Am i trans or is it all in my head”
“Am I trans or is it just a phase”
“How long after realizing you’re trans should you start hrt”
“I know I’m trans but don’t plan to start until a few years pass”
“Is ffs worth it”
“ffs sounds really scary but I want it”
“Estrogen injections but scared of needles” 😭
“Will my cat recognize me after HRT” 😭 😭
God I’m really sorry how unorganized and random this post is, it just feels like a whole brain leak of all the things on my mind.. which I kind of needed. It all feels like it’s been getting too much, I also have diagnosed ADHD so it’s very hard for me to stay on topic, like even now LOL
Anyway to wrap all of those questions up in a big cute bundle, The single thing that is absolutely destroying me:
I am scared I’m not trans. And this is all in my head, or just a phase of my life.
But then again, if I AM trans. Then I’m currently just repressing really hard.
And to make both worse,
if I AM trans, and I keep repressing it for years I feel like that will be my biggest regret in life.
But THEN, if I’m NOT trans, then if I start HRT or come out, and then realize that I’m not, that will be my biggest regret in life.
I’ve struggled with mental health for a large majority of my life, during my ‘most important years’ I guess. With diagnosed depression, adhd, Asperger’s, and genuinely, I mean this when I say it. CRIPPLING. Social anxiety. (I don’t take medication for any of my problems, that’s a whole nother rant but just know I am very happy as of today.) and also just being generally sensitive inside.. I can (confidently) say I beat my depression. But my mind has always felt like it’s constantly at battle with myself, I NEVER know what I want. And whether that’s just my personality or my other mental disorders, but i can almost never make a decision by myself. Im always googling for second opinions, asking friends to choose “1, 2 or 3” with no context so I can have a random choice option, flipping coins, etc. EVEN SOMETHING SIMPLE AS getting a snack at a gas station, or what item to choose in a video game, or what album I should listen to. I HATE when people ask me what I want, or what we should do.. I never want to make that decision, if I can’t even make one for myself why do you think I’d feel alright making a decision for a whole group..
So with all that being said, deciding or figuring out whether I’m trans or not, as you could imagine. Is ALL of that pain and struggle turned to 12. It would be a completely life changing, decision. The biggest possible statement of myself I could make. That’s fucking horrifying to me..
Fortunately, I have a very blessed life through it all. I have a very supporting family. We are all very close, I am very fortune and grateful to have a loving family with close bonds with all of us. I have 2 older brothers, one 28 and one 32. And an older sister, 24. I came out to my parents as bisexual/pansexual when I was 14, and they were very long and caring and supportive. But I STILL haven’t even came out to my siblings, honestly they worry me more than my parents if I come out as trans.
A few months ago, I was talking with someone and somehow gender came up, and I let them know a little bit about myself. And I told them, I wish I was a girl, but I feel okay being a boy. And they said maybe I’m just a femboy, which stuck in my head for a while, until recently with all this stuff I’m talking about. But then again, that does show that no matter what I do feel there’s something feminine in me..
I have even ordered panties and thigh highs, fishnets, and other girly clothes online ever since I got my own bank account I think at 15. Which. Is actually a very important and Embarrassing part of my life. Near the end of 2022, when I was my lowest I ended up in the psych ward. And during that time, my parents, I’m not even sure which one or both, went in my room to take any weapons and dangerous things away from me and to clean my room. And during that, they found my girl clothes. I know they did, because I kept them under my bed. When I came back home, my room was cleaned, and there was only some random stuff like my shoeboxes under my bed. I found my girl clothes in my dresser with my other clothes. I don’t know who did it, but I’m just assuming my mom. We haven’t talked about it, and it’s never been brought up. A bit of an unspoken agreement, but fuck it was so embarrassing.
So at the VERY LEAST, My parents already know that I’ve been cross dressing.
ALSO. I do not consider myself, and really don’t think I am/will be nonbinary/genderfluid(?) . Just for personal reasons and other things, I don’t think that’s who I am.. and again I’m sorry if I’m using those terms wrong or anything, i don’t even know myself.
2 more things I’d like to mention about my possible repressions, I have a naturally high pitched voice. Which I only became self aware of last year, but also, I have a naturally deep voice? I feel like I have 2, and I switch between them all the time. They’re both comfortable to me! But I do lean towards my higher one most times.. it’s hard to explain.
i have a naturally high pitched voice that i speak to everyone i know close with.
but i can also casually speak in a really deep low voice for various occassions, just whenever i feel like it
My high pitched voice, to lower voice id say is about a 6:4 ratio of the time when speaking to friends or family
but lately ive exclusively been self aware of it and only speaking in my lower voice like self checking constantly making sure im not using my higher pitched voice. but if im like talking to myself or something ofc ill use it bc its just more comfy and i have literally always talked like this my whole life
but if im talking to family, the last 2 weeks, more consistent deeper voice always. And coincidentally, I only started doing that after having all of these trans thoughts, possibly having my egg cracked but I’m not sure yet.
And last, but maybe most important. To put it simply I’m fat. I am obese and it’s the number one thing I hate about myself. It’s always been my number one thing I’m disappointed about myself with, and I fucking despise what I’ve done to myself. I could rant about it for 7 more paragraphs (which I’ve literally done in the past) But now, it also extends to here.
I will not allow myself to be trans until I’m not fat.
That is like the staple of all of this and the number one thing that bothers me most. However, it’s a goal I’m now working towards. I’ve already lost 5lb and on a trajectory to hit my goal weight in about a year and a half-2 years. I would be 19-20 then. I’m gatekeeping myself to be feel happy with a feminine body until I lose all this weight. And it hurts. I wish I wasn’t who I am. My mind is running 24/7 swarming with thoughts, not just transgender ones but literally everything else as well. I’ve always been like that. I’m a very heavy and obsessed overthinker. I’m always thinking the worst case scenario. If I could push a button and instantly turn into a girl, and have my dream body, I would. Immediately.. a few weeks ago, I remember getting high and just relating to myself, with my girl voice, “I’m a girl.” Over. And over. And over and over again while on my couch just playing a game. It feels good to say that. It felt good to just repeat that over and over. When I look in the mirror, most times I can only see a man, but lately, I can see myself as a girl in the mirror. I like wearing girl clothes and being called a girl and she/her. Yet I have all this doubt and worries… my head hurts. I’m not sure how to end this, as I’ve been typing for almost 2 hours straight now. And if you’ve even read this far, I love you. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to read some strangers woes online..
I’m not sure what I’m expecting out of posting this, but I know I needed to get this all off my chest. And, it does feel good that I’ve let all this out now. Again, thank you so much. I’ve been typing for 2 hours, my Reddit app on mobile is at like 5fps and very laggy. . I’m not sure how to close this.. But you all are so wonderful. I love how open and helpful the trans community is with each other. It feels safe here. Thank you, I love you.

first time poster, idk how to format this but i'll try
background context: me (23f) and my mom have a rocky relationship. She was emotionally, verbally e physically abusive to me and my brothers until me we old enough and able to leave. For me that was 3 years ago. I have been low contact since then because my little brother still lives with her but I've gotten better at enforcing boundaries and not accepting her bullshit. She has also gotten the hint that she needs to change and has gotten better to the point I've been genuinely surprised and we've been able to go on outings 1 on 1. I still keep a distance tho, so I might see her in person once every one or two months.
Now while i don't see her often, she tends to call A LOT. And she won't just do 1 or 2 calls, but she will call me at least 5 times in the span of a few minutes. All this to tell me little to no information, stuff that could have been a text. I tend to ignore these calls most of the time because they can be quite long and exhausting with her taking quite a while to tell me why she's calling in the first place, starting various tangents that don't go anywhere, taking time to complain to my about my brothers or my dad (they're divorced) and then reprimanding me for stuff. Let's say i usually don't have the mental energy to answer her. I have told her in the past to just text me if she needs to tell me anything but she ends up texting me that i have to call her. She started getting the bad habit of coming down to where i live and start ringing the doorbell if I didn't answer her calls, and I've stopped opening the door to her because it encourages a bad habit and because since i live with my dad and she absolutely hates my dad she has gotten aggressive with him before and I don't want to put him through that, he shouldn't feel in danger in his own home.
A few days ago it happened again, she spam-called me a few days in a row, multiple times a day. I ignored them because i didn't want to talk to her and then she came down to my house to ring on my doorbell. Thankfully my dad wasn't home but my older bother was. He wasn't cued in on my mothers antics and basically checked who it was. Since he was only visiting and didn't want my mom to know he was there, he didn't open the door, but my mom knew someone with a male voice had answered and she kept ringing till she left a few minutes later, going as far as calling my name outloud from outside the window. I still didn't answer her.
Here is where I might be the asshole, and I will own up to it. I didn't have a real reason for not answering her. I wasn't busy, I wasn't occupied or asleep or anything. I just didn't want to talk to her in that moment. I didn't tell her I wasn't in the mood to talk, i just avoided her completely. Idk why sometimes I feel like this towards her, where I absolutely want to avoid talking to her for no reason. I can admit that these are moods I get into where I can't stand to talk to her. And the fact that she insists on calling me repeatedly only makes me wanna answer less. I think i've avoided her calls for a week before without any explanation give
I later confronted my mom about this, I told her to stop calling me multiple times in a row. I said that if i didn't answer the first call on purpose i was probably not gonna answer the following ones, and if i had genuinly missed it i would call back. I told her I always check my text and that was the quickest way to reach me. We got into an argument where she said i was rude to not answer her calls for days at the time and to ignore her when she comes to ring at my doorbell and that she never knows how I'm doing cause I never answer and she gets worried, I told her I felt suffocated by her when she acts like she does. I could see my comment hurt her so i reassured her that if I was ever in trouble or hurt I'd make sure she knows, because I don't want her to worry.
I know my mom and me have been trying to work on having a healthy relationship so I suggested a "plan" to her. Basically i gave her instructions on how to deal with me. I told her that if she calls me once and i don't answer to not call me again, if she has something urgent to tell me she can text me and i'll be able to see it and call back if needed. This way i'd start feeling less pressure and with time feel more comfortable with answering her calls. Then she got this tired look in her eyes that signified the conversation was over and we said our goodbyes. While i stand by what i told her and the plan i suggested I'm worried i have been a bit of an asshole for not answering her when she calls, or at least not telling her when i'm not available to talk because I'm essentially ghosting her in the hope she gets the hint to leave me alone.
Additionally, i warned her that her urgent way of communicating everyday news will make it harder to contact me in case of an actual emergency, because i'll just see a bunch of missed calls from my mom and i won't give it a second thought. If she follows my plan then a large amount of calls will be more alarming and would show an actual emergency.
Sorry for any bad grammer, english is my second language.

https://store.steampowered.com/news/app/892970/view/4199120329649538868?l=english
copied text here for those who cannot access steam links from thier devices :
Hello vikings, and thank you all for your continued testing!
We've got a really chunky patch of fixes for you today. It contains everything from tweaks to build pieces and food recipes, to enemy spawning and how dangerous the boiling water is. Without further ado, here are the patch notes:
Detailed Patch Notes:
Building:

• Drakkar now only needs 50 Finewood instead of 60
  
• Updated destruction effects for Drakkar
  
• Straw floor now visible from underneath
  
• Grausten arched roof no longer has a gap beneath it when snapped above other build pieces
  
• Material variation tweaks to Grausten build pieces to decrease repetitiveness
  
• Grausten pillars can now be build to a correct intended maximum height
  
• Flametal beam and pillar updated model and texture
  
• Added rain damage for some Ashwood pieces
  
• Ashwood door can now be walked through properly without getting stuck
  
• Following Ashwood build pieces no longer flicker: 26 degree walls, 45 degree walls, 26 degree beams, 45 degree beams, big arch
  
• The preview no longer shakes when placing stacks of wood, core wood and bones
  
• Build menu border now matches width of menu window
  
• Tweaks to Ashwood build pieces to decrease shininess
  
• Lava lantern no longer floats mid air when support is removed
  
• Lots of minor tweaks to build pieces
  

Equipment & Crafting:

• Feather Cape & Asksvin Cape are now frost resistant
  
• Balance tweaks to enemy spawn rates in Ashlands
  
• Ask armour set now gives a set bonus
  
• Ashlands mage armour now has a slightly increased Eitr regeneration rate
  
• Dundr reload animation should now match with actual reloading with low elemental magic skill
  
• Changed backstab bonus multiplier on Dundr staff from 3 to 1
  
• Trollstav and Dundr are no longer oriented backwards on item stands
  
• Staff of the Wild now makes slightly more damage with spawned thorns
  
• Spawned roots from Staff of the Wild now has a low chance to root enemies on hit
  
• Upgrading Dundr staff now increases its lightning damage instead of piercing damage
  
• Reduced how fast Elemental Magic skill gets raised when using the Staff of Fracturing
  
• Fixed Flametal Helmet and Berserkir Axes not being automatically picked up
  
• Minor Dyrnwyn sword recipe tweak
  
• Eldner mace now provides more blunt damage instead of pierce damage when upgraded
  
• Summoned trolls will now attack all creatures
  
• Berzerkir axes and Eldner mace stamina cost increased to 16 from 14 per hit
  
• Recipes for Fiery Svinstew, Sizzling Berry Broth and Spice Induced Marmalade are now available earlier as they only require a Cauldron of level 5 instead of level 6
  
• Piquant pie stamina increased to 35 from 24
  
• Reduced the weight of Ceramic Plate from 4 to 2
  
• Fixed Catapulted items losing level, durability, etc
  
• Basalt platforms will no longer spawn duplicates close to zone edges
  
• Fixed an issue which caused Basalt platforms to not always spawn on Xbox
  
• Fixed an issue where non-cinder fire damage caused items to convert to coal
  

Creatures:

• Enemies will no longer spawn close to the Ashlands dvergr ruins
  
• Charred Melee and Archers can now spawn in biomes with lower level than Ashlands after defeating Fader
  
• Seekers can now spawn in biomes with lower level than Mistlands after defeating Seeker Queen
  
• Summoned skeletons and other creatures can now walk closer to the lava before catching fire
  
• Asksvin no longer sound like wolves when petted
  
• Changed Lord Reto's name to appear orange
  
• Starred Ashlands creatures now drops fewer trophies
  
• Decreased drop chance of Asksvin trophies
  
• Skugg turret now drops Charred Cogwheel again
  
• Geirrhafa no longer immune to lava damage
  

World:

• Location tweaks
  
• Ruins in Ashlands should no longer catch on fire
  
• Fixed some locations that spawned a disconnected spiked piece
  
• Fixed an issue where portals were not connecting when rebuilt
  
• Tweaks to Flametal spires for easier Flametal mining
  
• Sinking Flametal spires no longer respawn if unloading the area
  
• Flametal spires are now immune to lightning damage
  
• Players no longer take lava damage while riding Asksvin
  
• Correct icon is now shown when riding Asksvin
  
• Carrions now has a lower chance of dropping Asksvin skeleton
  
• Fixed a crash that could cause killed enemies to spawn lots of resources and prevent reloading of that world
  
• Ashvines require a bit more space to grow and will no longer attach to a wall already occupied by another Ashvine
  
• It is no longer too hot for Ashvines to grow in Ashlands
  
• Ashvines are now able to grow on grausten walls
  
• Fir saplings can now survive in the Mountains again
  
• Fader Boss Stone emission now lines up with stone carvings
  
• Fixed storm lightning not being affected by flashing lights setting
  
• Fixed weird ridge outside world edge
  
• Changed spawn of vegvisir_placeofmystery so that the next place of mystery is found from the previous one
  
• Damage from water on beaches in Ashlands is no longer as intense
  

Misc:

• UI of the rudder of Drakkar is now placed above the rudder
  
• Tooltips showing total currently equipped special stats now include those from status effects
  
• Restored standardised and missing strings
  
• Localization updated
  
• Fixed status effects being too large on players
  
• Disabled ESRAM usage on Xbox One to work around a Unity bug that caused some particle systems to have corrupt shadowmaps
  
• Added console command 'findtp' to go to nearest found item
  
• Added console command 'setfuel' to fill all nearby lights to specified fuel
  

Ted did not leave my head. He said he "didn't want to risk getting lost," also he could see this way, using my eyes. He was used to being in a body with multiple minds, only, he was the dominant one before. He might still be come to think of it, the Irritating worm.
My walk home was more of a stumble and scrape now. My sides hurt and I'm sure I lost some weight. I needed a walking stick—or a wheelchair, hell, get me a gurney.
Ted kept me talking. I think it was just to make sure I didn't double over and die.
He asked, "So, that thing took you for a ride huh? Made you dream of things? What happened before I came and rescued you?"
That Ted, always reminding me that I almost died without him. I would have to use this opportunity to punish him.
"Oh, it was the best. I was dreaming of my ex-girlfriend. Let me describe her—"
"Actually, I take that back. I know where this is going," Ted interrupted. "I believe you. Go back to groaning or—whatever."
"Let's see, I can only describe her as the extra-most-bestest hot-and-ready pornstar-Barbie I've always wanted," I said dreamily.
"La-la-la I'm not listening," he sang.
"But, and it's a big but, to keep in the pizza theme; to her, Little Caesars' Crazy Bread is just plain ol' bread. She was crazy, which was great sometimes. I would tap that like Morse code."
"Please, I beg of you. I take back all of the bullying I've ever inflicted upon you. Just stop."
"But I'm just getting to the good part. You aren't bashful, are you?" I took a note. Ted, from planet Tedidian-Beta, had a cultural modesty like Earth. I could use that.
"No, I am not bashful. I merely wish not to hear of your conquests," he shot back.
"Well good, then I'll continue. You know that awkward interlude between when you go, and you can go again?"
"I wish to be acquainted with this God fellow you mentioned before. Kill me now so I can meet him."
"Not in a fever dream. Yeah baby. It's all day and all night in there," I tapped my head.
Bullying Ted aside, I really wasn't having that much fun. If you remember, I'm still being held together by glue, but as it turns out, nothing in this place is insignificant. Every small detail would be important to my survival, or lack thereof.
In this case, it would be in the form of those little creatures with way too much skin. When I last saw them, they were in the carved-out tunnel licking clean the protein bar wrapper. Now, I noticed a cautious following of these things. They hid from me when I shined a light towards them, but not completely, always peering around a rock or corner. They were getting braver, perhaps smelling my blood in the air.
Now that I can see them a little better, I think of a quote from one Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German poet.
"Give me an ounce of gold, and I'll plate the whole world."
"Give me just one of these skin aliens, and I'll upholster the whole crypt, throw pillows included," a quote from one Sean Miller, American astronaut, just now.
I aimed Ted's gun, and they all scattered. "Smart enough to know what this thing is," I thought. "Not smart enough not to follow unfortunately."
They kept coming when I turned back, keeping a respectful distance. Whenever I stopped for a break, they stopped. Whenever I sped up, they sped up. Whenever I needed to eat, they too stopped and ate, finding burrowing creatures the way I had when I was opened like a fish. They even stopped to "relieve themselves" when I found nature's call too strong to ignore.
I really shouldn't ignore them. The moment I ignore them, they will assuredly pounce like bloodthirsty rats. Though, it has been a few days. I know, "days" with quotes, but if I don't use some unit of time I am familiar with, I might go insane—or insaner. My circadian rhythm clung to any cycle it could find, like an overly attached girlfriend. It found no rhythm in; when I could eat, lighting level cycles, nor in exertion. As a result, sleep came irregularly, but I still feel the need to call the moments in between sleep "days."
It was days of following and not approaching. Days of me stumbling about when I should be horizontal in a hospital bed. Days of little to no food, and only juicy hydrating glow fungus to keep my lips wet.
They followed like a pack of ugly flat wolves, waiting for the first sign of weakness. I can't think like that. I can't imagine myself being torn apart, prey to another lesser carnivore. Not now, not after having defeated so many greater carnivores. Thoughts like that are bad—bad for me, bad for America.
I miss home. More now that I am semi-coherent. I miss sashaying my way through training of all things. I remember everything leading up to the launch like it was today. It was after the death of the greatest space craze in human history. After 14 more shallow graves were dug on Mars, where no flesh could decompose properly, leaving a final lonely body without a hole of his own to lay in.
That was very sad news to everyone of all nations. We were, for the first time in human history, united in common grief. There were efforts, but no amount of money in the world could save them. They signed up for that, as I had this. No one ever wanted to speak of space again after this, then "it" was found. A thing that punched far and above its weight class in gravitational pull. It just appeared amongst the asteroid field between Mars and Jupiter, affecting neither, and affected by neither. No one knew what it was, or how it got there. It just was.
It was barely big enough to be considered a dwarf planet, but for some reason or another, the lab coats at NASA refused to classify it as such. Pluto had suffered a similar fate, downgraded from planetary status to dwarf planet. How good it must feel to be able to revoke "dwarf planetary membership" from this thing, like what was done to her. Or maybe Pluto would have preferred to have a friend. Schadenfreude vs. loneliness, that was Pluto's dilemma.
Of course, Pluto was just a rock, uninterested in such opinions. This thing, however, was more than that. Sure, it was "rock" but why so heavy? Why just appear out of nowhere? And why do we see movement in the holes peppering its surface?
I am, like the Martian astronauts before me, like the alien explorers long dead, like Ted who was also dead, doomed to a graveless death, no marker left behind but my body.
Then why am I still walking? Why not find a nice little planet with low gravity for my back pain, and maybe some nice aliens that eat what I eat? I could learn their language, and find a nice little blue lady to settle down with. But for some reason, I don't. Even if I have to walk, I will on bloody stumps, make it home. There's that human stubbornness I mentioned earlier, or perhaps delirium.
"My word, you are mawkish," Ted said. "And yes, I know what you were thinking. You were monologuing to yourself, in your own head. Do you like the sound of your own voice? You know, you can think in any voice you want. I've heard you do it."
"Entertaining parasites never was my forte, but I'll work on it."
"Well, while you were listening to the sound of your own inner voice—boring by the way, find a new hobby—I found a pattern in the walls."
"Huh?"
"We are approaching another portal," he spelled out. "Look."
He took control of my right arm and pointed with it. Hidden within images of unknown creatures, chicken scratch I can only assume is language, and other nonsensical markings, was an image of a six-armed alien reaching out to touch the hand of a hunchbacked creature.
I stared at it for a moment, then asked. "How close are we?"
"Very," he said.
I then remembered the planet that nearly crushed me.
"How big is the planet? Can I breathe there?" I asked.
"I don't know, but you are an explorer. Go explore."
"And you're my translator. Translate."
Secretly, I think Ted was more interested in exploring than I was at the moment. I was just internally monologuing about home, but I have to admit, seeing alien worlds is what I signed up for.
I walked on, still followed by my hungry wolf pack, and came to the portal Ted predicted. It was solid like concrete. The residents of this world must have been tired of visitors, or chasing wandering children, and sealed shut this tomb. I placed a hand on the rocky surface.
"Shame. I was really hoping to see the other side," Ted said.
"Can you blame them? This portal appeared in their own backyard. They could have nations like mine. Which nation did it land on? Did that country survive when all others wanted to take this thing? Or even if they were united, this place is full of so much death and danger."
"True," was Ted's reply. "Still though. It's a shame to have to turn back."
We would turn back, but found ourselves cornered by the little rats. They formed a carpet of folds and freckles. When I pointed Ted's gun at them, all but one scattered. That one approached carefully, coming to just about mid-shin height, and laid at my feet, some worm with gills. That one left, and another came. Then another, and another, and another. By the time they were finished, there was a pile of quietly shrieking worms. Knowing my luck, those worms were probably also intelligent, but I won't turn down a free meal.
Had I just gotten here, I would have politely declined, thanked them, and offered them some of my food in return. Now that I have tasted what it takes to survive in a place like this, I knelt down in front of the pile, and ate like a starving animal. I stopped only when my wounds reminded me how inelastic my sutures were.
In stories, people feared alien diseases. Think, the aliens from "War of the Worlds." Honestly, I think that author just wrote himself into a corner. In reality, our diseases never would have evolved to infect alien hosts. The food sources they were after would not have existed in the alien landscape of a Martian's respiratory system unless they originated from Earth. It's the same reason my body struggles to digest any alien creature I come across. I'm here to tell you, If I find a dead human, I'm eating it, no second thoughts. My gut would thank me. You judge, but you haven't been brought to the point I have. The worms did help though. They took the edge off. Thank you, little wrinkly mice.
Apparently, I was to be their big scary bipedal glass-domed monster, emphasis on "their." We found ourselves in a crypt full of monsters and ghouls, and I was the friendliest of them all. Not to mention, this monster just whopped another bigger scarier one's ass, Though, at great cost and bodily harm.
Placing my hand back to the wall, the concrete felt warm. I forgot how cold I was. It turns out, it's cold out here with no sun. One of the few sources of warmth were these portals that happened to exist on a planet's surface.
The largest of the naked rats crawled on a five-limbed chassis towards me, stared up, then to the wall. I'm going to call him Jim-Bob from here on out. His uneven number of limbs each tapped the ground rhythmically, with no real discernible pattern other than the rhythm and semi-constant speed.
"I think he's talking," Ted spoke.
"Can you tell what he's saying?"
"Their speech travels through the ground and I can't feel what they feel because your feet aren't sensitive enough, so no. I can't translate, but I can tell you they are attempting to drill through the concrete."
Sure enough, I looked over, and that's exactly what they were doing. Powerful teeth and grasping claws were hard at work. These creatures had a profound understanding of leverage, and used it well. It wouldn't be long before they made it through, no matter how thick the concrete was.
"That's a bad idea," I suggested.
"Why?" Ted asked.
"They plugged this hole for a reason. What if they were constantly being invaded by aliens and monsters? What if they shoot me on sight? It's best we leave them alone."
Ted was profoundly disappointed, but admitted, "and they could have guards stationed just outside. Then how do you suggest we stop them?"
"Walk away?" I suggested.
I did. The hard workers stopped, looked to me, then scurried to the front of me, leading the way.
It worked. It seemed the rats were desperate to appease me. They were like used car salesmen offering me snacks and water to convince me to buy their most expensive model. Kinda slimy if you think of it, or cute if you squint.
As all things inevitably end up down here, we ran into yet another monster... "yippee," I say in my most nauseated voice.
A lazy xenobiologist would call this thing reptilian, just because it came with scales and feathers, and a forked tongue. Nothing you find off Earth could ever be reptilian, of course, because reptiles never left Earth. Or, as far as I'm aware. The verdict is still out on the dinosaurs.
I take that back. Maybe this is a dinosaur, after 65 million more years of evolution. In that case, I take back what I said about lazy xenobiologists. My inner child hopes against reason to see a dinosaur so much that I'll even tack that title onto something that couldn't possibly be one.
I drew Ted's gun and aimed it. It backed away. Okay then, Maybe we have an understanding.
Its head tilted towards the gun. There was a strong sense of recognition and fear in those eyes.
"Ted? Tell me you didn't shoot one of these when you were alive."
"I assuredly did not," he responded.
"Then why is it looking at your gun like this?"

Ted did not leave my head. He said he "didn't want to risk getting lost," also he could see this way, using my eyes. He was used to being in a body with multiple minds, only, he was the dominant one before. He might still be come to think of it, the Irritating worm.
My walk home was more of a stumble and scrape now. My sides hurt and I'm sure I lost some weight. I needed a walking stick—or a wheelchair, hell, get me a gurney.
Ted kept me talking. I think it was just to make sure I didn't double over and die.
He asked, "So, that thing took you for a ride huh? Made you dream of things? What happened before I came and rescued you?"
That Ted, always reminding me that I almost died without him. I would have to use this opportunity to punish him.
"Oh, it was the best. I was dreaming of my ex-girlfriend. Let me describe her—"
"Actually, I take that back. I know where this is going," Ted interrupted. "I believe you. Go back to groaning or—whatever."
"Let's see, I can only describe her as the extra-most-bestest hot-and-ready pornstar-Barbie I've always wanted," I said dreamily.
"La-la-la I'm not listening," he sang.
"But, and it's a big but, to keep in the pizza theme; to her, Little Caesars' Crazy Bread is just plain ol' bread. She was crazy, which was great sometimes. I would tap that like Morse code."
"Please, I beg of you. I take back all of the bullying I've ever inflicted upon you. Just stop."
"But I'm just getting to the good part. You aren't bashful, are you?" I took a note. Ted, from planet Tedidian-Beta, had a cultural modesty like Earth. I could use that.
"No, I am not bashful. I merely wish not to hear of your conquests," he shot back.
"Well good, then I'll continue. You know that awkward interlude between when you go, and you can go again?"
"I wish to be acquainted with this God fellow you mentioned before. Kill me now so I can meet him."
"Not in a fever dream. Yeah baby. It's all day and all night in there," I tapped my head.
Bullying Ted aside, I really wasn't having that much fun. If you remember, I'm still being held together by glue, but as it turns out, nothing in this place is insignificant. Every small detail would be important to my survival, or lack thereof.
In this case, it would be in the form of those little creatures with way too much skin. When I last saw them, they were in the carved-out tunnel licking clean the protein bar wrapper. Now, I noticed a cautious following of these things. They hid from me when I shined a light towards them, but not completely, always peering around a rock or corner. They were getting braver, perhaps smelling my blood in the air.
Now that I can see them a little better, I think of a quote from one Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German poet.
"Give me an ounce of gold, and I'll plate the whole world."
"Give me just one of these skin aliens, and I'll upholster the whole crypt, throw pillows included," a quote from one Sean Miller, American astronaut, just now.
I aimed Ted's gun, and they all scattered. "Smart enough to know what this thing is," I thought. "Not smart enough not to follow unfortunately."
They kept coming when I turned back, keeping a respectful distance. Whenever I stopped for a break, they stopped. Whenever I sped up, they sped up. Whenever I needed to eat, they too stopped and ate, finding burrowing creatures the way I had when I was opened like a fish. They even stopped to "relieve themselves" when I found nature's call too strong to ignore.
I really shouldn't ignore them. The moment I ignore them, they will assuredly pounce like bloodthirsty rats. Though, it has been a few days. I know, "days" with quotes, but if I don't use some unit of time I am familiar with, I might go insane—or insaner. My circadian rhythm clung to any cycle it could find, like an overly attached girlfriend. It found no rhythm in; when I could eat, lighting level cycles, nor in exertion. As a result, sleep came irregularly, but I still feel the need to call the moments in between sleep "days."
It was days of following and not approaching. Days of me stumbling about when I should be horizontal in a hospital bed. Days of little to no food, and only juicy hydrating glow fungus to keep my lips wet.
They followed like a pack of ugly flat wolves, waiting for the first sign of weakness. I can't think like that. I can't imagine myself being torn apart, prey to another lesser carnivore. Not now, not after having defeated so many greater carnivores. Thoughts like that are bad—bad for me, bad for America.
I miss home. More now that I am semi-coherent. I miss sashaying my way through training of all things. I remember everything leading up to the launch like it was today. It was after the death of the greatest space craze in human history. After 14 more shallow graves were dug on Mars, where no flesh could decompose properly, leaving a final lonely body without a hole of his own to lay in.
That was very sad news to everyone of all nations. We were, for the first time in human history, united in common grief. There were efforts, but no amount of money in the world could save them. They signed up for that, as I had this. No one ever wanted to speak of space again after this, then "it" was found. A thing that punched far and above its weight class in gravitational pull. It just appeared amongst the asteroid field between Mars and Jupiter, affecting neither, and affected by neither. No one knew what it was, or how it got there. It just was.
It was barely big enough to be considered a dwarf planet, but for some reason or another, the lab coats at NASA refused to classify it as such. Pluto had suffered a similar fate, downgraded from planetary status to dwarf planet. How good it must feel to be able to revoke "dwarf planetary membership" from this thing, like what was done to her. Or maybe Pluto would have preferred to have a friend. Schadenfreude vs. loneliness, that was Pluto's dilemma.
Of course, Pluto was just a rock, uninterested in such opinions. This thing, however, was more than that. Sure, it was "rock" but why so heavy? Why just appear out of nowhere? And why do we see movement in the holes peppering its surface?
I am, like the Martian astronauts before me, like the alien explorers long dead, like Ted who was also dead, doomed to a graveless death, no marker left behind but my body.
Then why am I still walking? Why not find a nice little planet with low gravity for my back pain, and maybe some nice aliens that eat what I eat? I could learn their language, and find a nice little blue lady to settle down with. But for some reason, I don't. Even if I have to walk, I will on bloody stumps, make it home. There's that human stubbornness I mentioned earlier, or perhaps delirium.
"My word, you are mawkish," Ted said. "And yes, I know what you were thinking. You were monologuing to yourself, in your own head. Do you like the sound of your own voice? You know, you can think in any voice you want. I've heard you do it."
"Entertaining parasites never was my forte, but I'll work on it."
"Well, while you were listening to the sound of your own inner voice—boring by the way, find a new hobby—I found a pattern in the walls."
"Huh?"
"We are approaching another portal," he spelled out. "Look."
He took control of my right arm and pointed with it. Hidden within images of unknown creatures, chicken scratch I can only assume is language, and other nonsensical markings, was an image of a six-armed alien reaching out to touch the hand of a hunchbacked creature.
I stared at it for a moment, then asked. "How close are we?"
"Very," he said.
I then remembered the planet that nearly crushed me.
"How big is the planet? Can I breathe there?" I asked.
"I don't know, but you are an explorer. Go explore."
"And you're my translator. Translate."
Secretly, I think Ted was more interested in exploring than I was at the moment. I was just internally monologuing about home, but I have to admit, seeing alien worlds is what I signed up for.
I walked on, still followed by my hungry wolf pack, and came to the portal Ted predicted. It was solid like concrete. The residents of this world must have been tired of visitors, or chasing wandering children, and sealed shut this tomb. I placed a hand on the rocky surface.
"Shame. I was really hoping to see the other side," Ted said.
"Can you blame them? This portal appeared in their own backyard. They could have nations like mine. Which nation did it land on? Did that country survive when all others wanted to take this thing? Or even if they were united, this place is full of so much death and danger."
"True," was Ted's reply. "Still though. It's a shame to have to turn back."
We would turn back, but found ourselves cornered by the little rats. They formed a carpet of folds and freckles. When I pointed Ted's gun at them, all but one scattered. That one approached carefully, coming to just about mid-shin height, and laid at my feet, some worm with gills. That one left, and another came. Then another, and another, and another. By the time they were finished, there was a pile of quietly shrieking worms. Knowing my luck, those worms were probably also intelligent, but I won't turn down a free meal.
Had I just gotten here, I would have politely declined, thanked them, and offered them some of my food in return. Now that I have tasted what it takes to survive in a place like this, I knelt down in front of the pile, and ate like a starving animal. I stopped only when my wounds reminded me how inelastic my sutures were.
In stories, people feared alien diseases. Think, the aliens from "War of the Worlds." Honestly, I think that author just wrote himself into a corner. In reality, our diseases never would have evolved to infect alien hosts. The food sources they were after would not have existed in the alien landscape of a Martian's respiratory system unless they originated from Earth. It's the same reason my body struggles to digest any alien creature I come across. I'm here to tell you, If I find a dead human, I'm eating it, no second thoughts. My gut would thank me. You judge, but you haven't been brought to the point I have. The worms did help though. They took the edge off. Thank you, little wrinkly mice.
Apparently, I was to be their big scary bipedal glass-domed monster, emphasis on "their." We found ourselves in a crypt full of monsters and ghouls, and I was the friendliest of them all. Not to mention, this monster just whopped another bigger scarier one's ass, Though, at great cost and bodily harm.
Placing my hand back to the wall, the concrete felt warm. I forgot how cold I was. It turns out, it's cold out here with no sun. One of the few sources of warmth were these portals that happened to exist on a planet's surface.
The largest of the naked rats crawled on a five-limbed chassis towards me, stared up, then to the wall. I'm going to call him Jim-Bob from here on out. His uneven number of limbs each tapped the ground rhythmically, with no real discernible pattern other than the rhythm and semi-constant speed.
"I think he's talking," Ted spoke.
"Can you tell what he's saying?"
"Their speech travels through the ground and I can't feel what they feel because your feet aren't sensitive enough, so no. I can't translate, but I can tell you they are attempting to drill through the concrete."
Sure enough, I looked over, and that's exactly what they were doing. Powerful teeth and grasping claws were hard at work. These creatures had a profound understanding of leverage, and used it well. It wouldn't be long before they made it through, no matter how thick the concrete was.
"That's a bad idea," I suggested.
"Why?" Ted asked.
"They plugged this hole for a reason. What if they were constantly being invaded by aliens and monsters? What if they shoot me on sight? It's best we leave them alone."
Ted was profoundly disappointed, but admitted, "and they could have guards stationed just outside. Then how do you suggest we stop them?"
"Walk away?" I suggested.
I did. The hard workers stopped, looked to me, then scurried to the front of me, leading the way.
It worked. It seemed the rats were desperate to appease me. They were like used car salesmen offering me snacks and water to convince me to buy their most expensive model. Kinda slimy if you think of it, or cute if you squint.
As all things inevitably end up down here, we ran into yet another monster... "yippee," I say in my most nauseated voice.
A lazy xenobiologist would call this thing reptilian, just because it came with scales and feathers, and a forked tongue. Nothing you find off Earth could ever be reptilian, of course, because reptiles never left Earth. Or, as far as I'm aware. The verdict is still out on the dinosaurs.
I take that back. Maybe this is a dinosaur, after 65 million more years of evolution. In that case, I take back what I said about lazy xenobiologists. My inner child hopes against reason to see a dinosaur so much that I'll even tack that title onto something that couldn't possibly be one.
I drew Ted's gun and aimed it. It backed away. Okay then, Maybe we have an understanding.
Its head tilted towards the gun. There was a strong sense of recognition and fear in those eyes.
"Ted? Tell me you didn't shoot one of these when you were alive."
"I assuredly did not," he responded.
"Then why is it looking at your gun like this?"