•Kayara•
Kayara waited for a summons from anyone for days. Maybe the Queen would want to debrief her about the princess. Or the king. Or maybe the other ladies in waiting would like to speak to her. To meet her? But the princess was not back yet and therefore Kayara, the young genius at court, was of no use. She ate lonely meals brought by servants who left quickly. She unpacked her things. She began to set up her study. Something called her away though.
To the city she went. She used her usual route and found herself in the art district likely in the stomach of the goddess. Or perhaps on the shoulder? She had no idea as it all looked the same up here. Beautiful, gilded stone walls inlaid with stained green and blue glass. Light came from the blue lamp pasts everywhere. All throughout the garden as she strolled past couples and racing children. Neatly trimmed hedges and draping vines were everywhere. A maze if you would walk right through it. Kayara took the long way to avoid getting lost.
Finally she was on the pedestrian road headed towards the shops her sisters had always loved. The one with the purple thread spool for a sign. Thats the one that they always got so distracted by that she could sneak away from them for hours at a time without them even noticing. She stepped one foot inside and understood why. The most beautiful fabrics lay within the heavenly scented shop. Glittering clothes and softest of velvets. She dragged a hand down the smoothest of silks and suddenly it dawned on her how boring her sisters dressed.
“May I help you miss?” Said a woman from behind the desk near the back. “Oh, um. Perhaps… I’m rich and completely out of my element, what does someone wear in a palace?”
Three hours later kayara and a dozen boxes were catching a cobbler cart back to the palace. The guards took one look at her boxes, her her contended smile, and waved her through the gates. She felt good. She felt great. Actually she felt exhausted. Kayara needed to sleep. “Miss! Miss!” A servant, one of the ones who had brought her food for the past few days, came crashing down the hallway towards her. Kayara stepped out of the servants path but the young man just halted before her and pointed back the way he came while he huffed down air. “King. Princess. Queen. Summons.” He said and kayara patted him on the back before sauntering off. The sound of him vomiting on the mother of pearl floor tiles was nearly as unnerving as the fact that she had finally been summoned. She didn’t even have time to change into anything half decent! She was still in her town clothes! Her mother had warned her about Creaphen and the fact that it was in fact a fashion capital in the realm. Which meant if she didn’t want ti be eaten alive she would need ti stay on too of trends. As it were, she was going to be eaten alive.
Enormous enchanted oak doors loomed before her too soon, whorls and diamonds were embedded into the wood. Golden handles, even though the doors would only open when the king commands them too. Hence the lack of guards. Just her. Interrupting a meeting she was very late for. She stood on the lotus flower tile. The giant tile centred with the door. The door cracked open enough for her to slip in. So she did. Her skirts were small and made no hassle for her as she slipped into the room. Looming stained glass windows overlooked the archipelago before the goddess. Before kayara stood a seething princess. The Queen stood with her and smiled back at Kayara as she entered the room. “Kayars dear, come forth.” Kayara would never dare to disobey her queen. She walked quickly to the Queen and Crowned Princess, curtseying until her shin length skirts touched the floor. “You may rise.” The Queen took Kayara by the wrist and tugged her gently forward. To be view by the king who stood by the column on the right side of the room. On the left side of the room, a young woman leaned against the other column. “Majesty, this is the girl sent by Raethwood.” “I see that.” He seemed bored if her but kept glaring at his daughters guardian. The woman on the left. The one dressed in green. “Look Miss Rarthwood, my daughter has a mind of her own that does not deal in sanity. Fix her. Prepare her for queendom because I fucking can’t. If you don’t you will be banished forever. Now leave us.” The king didn’t seem to be taking any fucks in that moment so Kayara Curtsied deeply, then turned and left.
The princess followed shortly. Her guardian in tow. “So.” The princess said, and Kayara was forced to halt her escape. “Hello Princess, my name is Kayara and I am pleased to meet you.” She rolled her eyes. Her guardian scoffed and sat down on the tiles, leaning against the wall right under a painting of some strange bird or something. “Kayara… what do you believe your purpose here is Kayara?” Her voice wasn’t taunting, though her words were. “My purpose is to serve you in any way that I can your highness.” “Wrong. My father wants me to surround myself with intelligent people so that when I succeed him I have strong minds to choose advisors and ambassadors from. My stepmother wants you to be my advisor in the future.” She smirked but the news wasn’t too shocking. Kayara had already thought as much but she still didn’t think she would make the cut when it came down to it. “What an honour it would be, Highness.” “Indeed.” Laughed the guardian. Her voice was raw and raspy. Like she had been screaming for hours. Or smoking her whole life. “I just mean, I am a walking-talking encyclopedia of your kingdom and I am at your disposal if you have need of me.” “That is so much worse.” The princess said, cringe written all over her face. The guardian snickered- actually snickered as she stood up and began to escort the high ass away. This felt like her teen years all over again. The girls from year nine were just as backhanded as these ones. “Fucking fuck.”

I made this spelt sourdough and id like some feedback. Ive been making sourdough bread for 18 months.

Dough

• 771 g bread flour
• 643 g water
• 170 g sourdough starter fed and grown to its peak
• 16 g salt
  
• Mix all the dough ingredients until all of the flour is hydrated.
  
• Let the dough rest covered for 1 hour.
  
• Start the bulk fermentation with three sets of coil folds every 30 minutes.
  
• To do a coil fold do the following:
  
• Wet your hands.
  
• Loosen the dough carefully from the bowl. You probably only need to do that the first time.
  
• Put two fingers in from each side of the dough.
  
• Lift the dough so that the part of the dough facing away from you is loosened.
  
• Flip that part of the dough underneath the dough.
  
• Flip the bowl 180°.
  
• Lift the dough again and flip the other end of the dough underneath.
  
• Now turn the bowl 90°.
  
• Repeat the steps from above.
  
• Let the dough rest for 30 minutes under a damp dishtowel.
  
• After the 3rd coil fold, you should check the gluten development by doing a windowpane test.
  
• If it's still not strong, add more coil folds as needed.
  
• When done with this part, add the dough to a bulking container with straight sides.
  
• Mark the top of the dough on the container with a whiteboard marker.
  
• Let it grow 50% covered somewhere warm.
  
• When the dough has fermented and seems fluffy, light, and airy, you should divide and preshape the dough.
  
• Divide the dough in half using a bench scraper.
  
• Preshape the dough by making a ball.
  
• Pull out the side of the dough ball and fold it over the top of the dough; continue doing the same from each side, so you've done it from the top, bottom, left, and right.
  
• Flip the dough over using your bench scraper.
  
• Put the scraper behind the dough and pull it towards you to pull the front underneath it, thus tightening the top.
  
• Once you can't get any further, place the scraper in front of the dough and push it across the table, making a twisting motion at the end, so the scraper ends up behind the dough.
  
• Repeat a few more times until you have an approximate ball.
  
• Repeat for the other dough ball.
  
• Rest for 20 minutes on the kitchen counter
  
• We're baking these loaves as batards, also known as cigar-shaped or oval loaves.
  
• Flour two oval bannetons with a generous amount of rice flour.
  
• To shape the dough do the following: Flour your kitchen counter lightly, then flip a dough ball onto the flour.
  
• Tease it into a rectangle using your fingers.
  
• Pull out one side and fold it over the dough above halfway, Pull out the other side and cover the other flap.
  
• Then roll the dough up pretty tightly from the short end. I usually pull and press down with my pinkies. You should end up with the stitch of the loaf being down towards the table. Watch the video on how to do it.
  
• You will have an oval loaf but with rolls on the sides. Cover the rolls put pull the dough down over the roll on each side. Flip the dough into a banneton so that the stitch is upwards. Repeat for the other bread.
  
• Put both bannetons in the fridge to retard until you want to bake. At least 8 hours, but up to 48 should be fine if your fridge is very cold.
  
• Put a dutch oven or combo cooker in the oven. Heat your oven to 230°C/450°F/Gas mark 8 for 30 minutes.
  
• Grab a banneton from the fridge, dust the bottom with rice flour and flip it onto a peel. You can add more rice flour to the top, depending on the desired look
  
• Score the bread using a super sharp lame. For this one, I usually do an ear.
  
• Hold the lame at a 45° angle, and cut swiftly and decisively from one end of the bread to the other; it should be about a 45° angle on the bread.
  
• Don't be afraid to slice more than once to make the score deeper as needed. Bake the bread with the lid on for 20 minutes.
  
• Remove the lid and bake for 20-25 minutes until the bread is super crispy and deeply caramelized.
  
• Take the bread out and let it cool on a wire rack. Bake the other bread the same way.
  
• Let them come down to room temperature until you cut into them.
  

Fermented in the fridge for appx.20-24h. Regular stretch and folds. Baked it in the dutch oven for appx.45 mins. Ik its not perfect but im trying. It was a bit underbaked but otherwise one of the best ones ive made so far. Whole grains are just hard haha.

Before anyone comments saying “Maybe the problem is you and you’re a bridezilla,” let me provide some context.
Several ladies in my bridal party dropped out for the craziest reasons:
An ex bridesmaid I will call Betty was one of my first cosplay friends in the convention scene. She saw every failed relationship I had to go through before I found my husband. During the dress fitting, she cried when she saw me in the first dress I picked out which was really sweet. I was in LOVE with my first dress too. What happened next was a little odd. She picked out a bunch of other dresses that was definitely not my style and the other ladies in the bridal party can tell I didn’t feel comfortable with her choices. In the end, I ended up ordering a dress online anyway to save money. Betty also ended up not coming to my Bachelorette party because understandably she needed to take care of her sick kid. To this day, I still don’t know if she was making up an excuse or she legit had a sick kid to take care of. Another odd thing Betty did was be a little passive aggressive about my wedding plans such as doing a reception at my aunt’s huge house, doing an elopement at a beach/courthouse, and do a potluck. Betty was turned off by potluck and elopement. She said I should consider doing catering because she was worried people might get sick. My family and my husband’s family are awesome cooks and we never got sick from their cooking. If we ever got sick from a meal it was at a restaurant usually. My MOH who I will call Kayla had to step in and defend me saying they should respect my wishes for my wedding. Eventually, Betty decided to drop out of my bridal party which I lowkey saw coming. She ended up not coming to my post-elopement dinner too. Turns out, she was going through divorce which explains everything. Her passive aggressiveness was likely her feeling bitter about her (failed) marriage and she projected it towards me. I feel bad for her and I don’t blame her for not celebrating my special day.
Another ex-bridesmaid I will call Eliza was a coworker of mine. She was who I considered my “work bestie.” She was usually dependable and I trusted her to be part of my bridal party even tough she was never a bridesmaid before. The downside is, she is extremely frugal. She would prefer to shop at a thrift store for her dress which may not have a style and color scheme that I want for my wedding. I offered to pay for her bridesmaid dress if needed so my bridesmaids could be uniformed. I don’t want the guests to think she was a random guest because her color, fabric, and style of dress did not match the bridal party. She didn’t answer about whether she can accept my offer to pay for her dress. I tried to be patient with her especially when she works 2 jobs. Another thing that was off about Eliza was that she refuses to wear a bra. Most bridesmaids dresses have a built-in bra luckily. However, we decided on an infinity dress where they are the same color but they could be tied up in any way we want to. The downside is, you definitely need a bra/petals with the infinity dress and the last thing I want is for the guests to realize Eliza isn’t wearing a bra. Eliza eventually got a new job so I wasn’t able to see her at my job anymore. I felt sad when she left because she was the one I had the most connection to. I messaged Eliza for a couple weeks to see how she is doing at her new job and I still offered to pay for her dress, but no response. She have ghosted me for a while. I finally texted her for the final time that I would really appreciate an update from her because I was worried about her and it will ease my anxiety if she answered. She texted me saying she could no longer be a bridesmaid because she felt that it might be too much pressure on her. Part of me saw this coming because of her lack of response. I have a theory she have dropped out for a mix of reasons which is being super busy with her 2 jobs (game show host and chef), being embarrassed about not affording a bridesmaid dress of my choice (like I said, I offered to pay), and maybe her lack of experience as a bridesmaid made her anxious. We have not spoken for a month after that and she didn’t show up to my post-elopement dinner either.
The ex-maid of honor who I will call Kayla was my best friend. Back on 2019 we met at a mall I used to work at. We used to hang out at the mall on my day off or after I get off work. Every year my family and I would allow her to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with us because she had no family in our state. I thought we would be best friends for life. In 2021 I met my now husband, shortly moved in with him, and in 2022 he proposed to me. That’s when I noticed Kayla started acting different around me. She didn’t congratulate us on our engagement or “like” our engagement announcement post. She simply said, “Holy sh*t!” I thought that was her way of saying she was happy for me. We still sent each other memes, reels, and messages like normal. However, we didn’t hang out as much like the old days because I live far away from her and work til late at my new job. During dress fittings and my bachelorette party, she seemed fine and she seemed to enjoy herself. She also would defend me if one of the bridesmaids debate with me on my harmless wedding plans. Fast forward to March 2024 my husband and I decided to elope our loved ones was mostly supportive of us. I invited my bridal party and friends including Kayla to our post-elopement dinner. She ended up not coming to our post-elopement dinner which was odd. She ghosted me for several days until she finally replied to my text saying that she is tired of being the strong one, tired of supporting others, and wishes she has a special someone in her life. Her love life has been extremely rocky and her relationships last one month on average. I try to cheer her up and tell her she doesn’t need to be strong and that I’m there to support her. Like I said, I hung out with her alot and my family let her come over for the holidays. She then exclaims, “I’m tired of seeing everyone else be happy with their parters. I can’t be happy for anyone now!” That broke my heart because I thought she would be happy for my marriage. She knew I had to go through several bad relationships (some abusive ones) before I met my husband. You would think she would be happy knowing I finally found someone who treats me right. I texted her saying that I’m still there to support her and if she needs someone to talk to my dms are open. A day later she unfriended me on FB and blocked me on other social medias. Someone who I thought was my best friend turned out to be really jealous of me. Looking back on things, that would explain why she didn’t congratulate me on my engagement, my new job, or really much other big achievements. Some might say it is better that I don’t have a jealous person in my bridal party, but part of me misses her. It is going to be weird to not see her at my family’s Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners anymore. Hopefully, she can learn to be happy with herself, learn to be happy for others, and maybe even find MMrs. Right.
To all of the girls who dropped out of my bridal party, I wish them well still. Even though things didn’t work out with the bridal party, it was for the best. My bridal party story may not be as crazy compared to other people, but I wanted to join this thread because I’m a fan of Charlotte Dobre. 💕

Synopsis:
"You are a monster, Adam, but you didn't choose to be. Make your first choice."\
Molded into a mindless killing machine from birth, psychic prodigy Augustus Adam makes his first real choice and frees himself from the shackles of his upbring. But it is too late.
After being tried for his crimes against humanity, he is sentenced to summary execution after a short trial. Unwilling to let his mind be studied to produce more psychics like himself, he does the only thing that ensures humanity's freedom from psychic tyranny: suicide.
Though death's embrace is sweet, it's surprisingly short as Adam awakes in an unknown forest, learning soon after that he is in a world of magic, of swords and sorcery. Accompanied by magical beasts that could flatten a mountain if they so wished, Adam sets forth into this new world, hoping to make a positive difference this time around. It was his choice, a real chance for freedom, and he wasn't about to let some demon lords, necromancers, or gods get in his way towards redemption.
***
Note:
A rewrite from a previous version, this story is a slice-of-life adventure of an young man blessed with powers but burdened by a heavy and troubled past, hoping to reconcile himself with his innate humanity. Though the premise is magic vs psychic power, I also want to explore the human heart. I believe that there is good in people, but they all need to make the choice. This story follows that line of thinking. Any and all constructive criticism is encouraged and appreciated.
Prev / Next / RoyalRoad
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Chapter 1
Death felt cold, as I expected it to be. It was like going under anesthesia before a major surgery where the body becomes completely numb, leaving only a chill.
And yet, as time went on, I realized that I could think. Wasn't I dead? My mind should be blissfully blank, wiped clean of any and all thoughts. In spite of this, memories streamed into my mind in a steady flow, flashing muted imagery of scenes long past and done.
Then my eyes shot open and I found myself laying on my back, staring at a ceiling of mist. Tall, thick trees stretched into the mist and towards the sky, drooping with vines that dangled from unseen branches above.
The air felt cold yet full while a constant breeze brushed against my skin. Where was I? How was I? Was this the afterlife? I pinched myself to make sure, hoping that this was a dream, or perhaps a coma.
Nope, there was pain.
I lifted myself up and stood, looking around at my current surroundings. There were other sources of light beyond the mist just a short distance away. They looked to be numerous and glowed in a variety of different colors.
What caught my eye the most, however, was the seemingly unending dense forest of extremely tall and thick trees that stretched in all directions, standing proud underneath the white veil of mist. Despite the mist making it hard to see further into the ceiling or beyond the trees within my immediate vicinity, there was a constant light permeating from... everywhere. There was no source for the light, just that it was there.
Strange.
I took a step forward and heard a crunch. Looking down, I found my foot stepping on a peculiar shrub. It was glowing. Removing my foot, I knelt down and inspected the plant. It looked to be a normal shrub in terms of structure, but that was about it. The stem looked to be like glass, reflecting light, while the leaves were colored silver, emitting a pale white glow. Weirder still were the roots. Instead of digging and burrowing into the ground, the roots instead sprawled all over the surface of the soil, stretching towards the base of a nearby tree.
Curious, I grabbed the shrub, pulling it from the soil, and inspected it. It felt like any other shrub in my hands, rough and coarse to the touch, but it also had this smooth texture along the edges. Pulling it close to my eye, I saw the veins pulsing white, flowing with something.
The shrub was damaged considerably after being stepped on and being pulled from the ground. As I assessed the entire thing, I couldn't help but feel bad. I should have just left it alone, but my curiosity got the better of me.
I decided to try and place the plant back in its place. Much to my surprise, as soon as the severed roots of the shrub neared the roots on the ground, both sides moved and connected, repairing the connection. The plant then settled into the soil where it stood, seemingly uncaring for my intrusion.
"How strange." I muttered as I left the plant alone. I looked around again, taking in the strange environment I found myself in. Tall trees that disappeared into the sky, glowing plants with weird roots, a mist that seemed to never end, and a prevailing light that came from nowhere, yet was everywhere at the same time.
Looking again at the ground, I saw piles of leaves. Big leaves. Some were oval, others spiked or sharp. Their colors varied too. At least this confirmed that there was indeed a forest canopy full of leaves beyond the mist above.
Where my normal, mundane senses failed me, I could always call upon my psychic powers to enhance them, and that was exactly what I did. My psychic sense expanded into every direction, allowing me to feel the surrounding area, essentially scanning multiple places at once.
The forest was vast. Not just vast, but seemingly unending. No matter how far I stretched my psychic sense, I felt nothing but the looming trees. There were glowing plants everywhere on the forest floor while vines dangled from the sky in their thousands.
Curiously, or rather concerningly, there was a lack of animal or insect life. There was only the strange flora. As if compelled by my hunger to know where I was or what this place is, I started walking.
I picked a direction and continued onward, making sure to avoid the glowing plants while navigating the thick trunks of the trees. I paused from time to time, taking a moment to behold the strange scenery that surrounded me. The tree trunks were coarse and rough, either jagged or worn down by years of growth, and yet their appearance betrayed a hidden strength. I couldn't even pull out a piece of bark for inspection with my hands. And I had the strength of ten men, or at least that was the description of my official physical assessment.
The tree trunks came in a narrow spectrum of colors, either brown, gray or in-between. The leaves of these trees seemed to reflect the color of the trunk, judging by the leaves that had fallen to the ground. However, there seemed to be little difference between the trees beyond that.
Using my powers, I tried to feel something, anything to give me a clue as to the nature of this place. Unfortunately, I sensed nothing. Nothing but a weak coldness, and a constant breeze blowing between the trees, howling a muted whistle.
"If nobody comes out and explains to me what's going on, then I must be dead." I said out loud, hoping that someone was watching, or at least listening to me. Maybe they were hidden from my psychic sense. and the mist.
A few seconds later, nothing. There was only silence. I shook my head and sighed.
"I must be in hell then," I said, "Is this my penance? To wander alone in this strange labyrinth?"
No answer. Why was I even speaking? Of course there wouldn't be an answer. I must already be going mad.
I took a deep breath and continued on my journey to nowhere, picking another direction and following it for the rest of the day. Thanks to my training, and some brain tuning, I had an excellent sense of time. I knew that it was midday, close to the start of noon, and so I timed my journey as it began in earnest.
Minutes turned to hours as I walked, discovering new and strange plants, encountering hundreds more trees, and accidentally losing my footing on a bunch of glowing tall grass with blades shaped like a burning fire. The blades bristled and burst into white flame, but it neither burned my skin or produced any heat. Instead, the flames simply danced around my arm, ignoring the fabric of my clothes, fluttering before flickering away.
I inspected the tall grass and decided to experiment a bit. Using my psychic power, I pulled a few of the blades from the rest of the grass and watched as the severed portions reacted, bursting into the same white flame. It seemed to be a defensive mechanism of some kind. If it was, then it wasn't very effective. Maybe it had a psychological effect against wildlife, perhaps.
Speaking of the wildlife, I was yet to encounter them. I wasn't even sure if the forest had animals. The lack of insects was unnerving. During my time wading through rainforests, jungles, and swamps, I always had to deal with the constant assault of the local undergrowth from bugs to spiders. There were ants, bees, wasps, flies, not to mention the dreadful spawns of Satan himself: mosquitos. Humanity had the chance to *not* spread the mosquito to other worlds, but somehow they got through, and were then everywhere by the time the war started.
I did not miss dealing with mosquitos. Even with my suit of armor, the constant buzzing they made against my psychic sense made it difficult to focus. However, killing any and all mosquitos using my power was always great exercise. Due to their size, agility, and numbers, it was hard to wrap my power around their tiny bodies. Once I got the hang of it, however, it felt like manipulating grains of sand with the dexterity of a surgeon's hands. Only this time the mosquitos would find themselves squished.
I did, however, miss the other insects, especially the ants and bees. It was always fascinating to see these social creatures crawl or fly in the middle of what seemed to them as a gigantic world of towering trees and the vast forest floor. They had societies similar to humanity, but different in their on ways. They lived to serve their queens, to expand their colonies, and protect their future.
Maybe I was the ant now, stuck in a strange new place, surrounded by enormous things. Unlike the ants or bees, I was alone. The forest was deserted, empty. There was no other form of life.
More hours went by and evening came. My sense of time assured me that if there was a sun, it should have already set, and yet the forest did not change in the slightest. The mist was as white as snow, and the light remained with not even the slightest hint of dimness.
I used my psychic sense once more and scanned my surroundings, extending it for as far as 10 kilometers in every direction. Nothing. There was absolutely nothing. What was happening? Was this actually my punishment? The idea was there, but my mind refused to accept it. There should be something that would explain all of this, right?
Why was I even asking myself.
Seeing no other option, and realizing I should have tried this sooner, I decided to lift myself up using my power and fly towards the forest canopy beyond the misty heights, hopefully finding a clear sky.
Summoning my power, I wrapped my entire body around my mental influence, gripping at myself like holding a figurine in my hand. I felt my power against my skin like a current of electricity, its influence pushing against my limbs and beckoning to be used.
And so I did. With a mental thought, I flew. I lifted from the ground abruptly, disturbing the air when I did. I ascended through the mist, finding more vines dangling in the air. The ground disappeared below my feet and soon enough I found... nothing. There were only the same tree trunks plowing through the mist towards the sky and ground, neither being seen through the now even thicker mist. To be fair, there were a few branches sticking out of the trunks here and there with large leaves similar to those on the forest floor. The branches were long and sturdy enough to stand on if I wanted to, but other than that there wasn't anything else worth mentioning.
In spite of this, I continued on my steady ascent. The air brushed against my skin, howling in my ears as I gained more speed. I pushed my psychic sense even further than before, trying as hard as I could to sense the forest canopy, if it even existed at all. I was beginning to doubt myself and this place. Maybe logic did not apply here. Maybe this was indeed my punishment, my hell.
I felt a surge of emotion rise within my heart. Anger coursed into my mind, swirling into a boiling rage directed at nobody. Nobody but myself. Yes, this was correct. This was good. I was being punished for my crimes. I was alone and afraid, cold and ignored.
Suddenly, that raging anger turned into melancholy. A deep sadness descended upon me like an avalanche of guilt, swiping away my furrowed brows before making my eyes blurry with rising tears.
I landed on a nearby branch as the tears fell down. Wiping away at my eyes, I sat down against the tree trunk and wept. I couldn't help but feel that my life could've been better. I could've been a better person. I only ever needed a chance. A choice. I couldn't have known... I couldn't have...
I'm sorry.
The night came and went, heralded not by darkness and instead by the unseen passing of time. I awoke after a few hours, having cried myself to sleep. I was still on the branch, feet dangling in the air. Sighing away a heavy chest, I decided to linger longer in the small space I found myself in.
Another few hours went by where I did nothing but look at the endless mist, counting the many trees that stood around me. Occasionally, a leaf or two would fall from the sky, gently floating down towards the faraway ground. I couldn't help but feel that the forest was beckoning me to continue with my ascent, telling me that there was indeed a forest canopy to discover.
After realizing that all I could do now was continue, I stood up and flew once more. Then the air tingled ever so slightly. Before I could even make it a few feet from my branch, I was attacked.
A bolt of light slammed against my head, sending me stumbling in the air before another bolt hit me in the chest and knocked me off balance. Instinctively, I raised my psychic shield and braced for another attack as I careened in the air. It came and jolted me downward, hurling me towards the ground at incredible speed.
After failing to reorient myself, I crashed into the ground a minute later, breaking a few of my bones. If I hadn't conjured my psychic shield, I would have certainly died. The speed in which I impacted the ground sent a cloud of dust into the air, forming a crater where I now lay broken and battered.
As the dust settled and my vision cleared, I saw a blue flame in the shape of a bird descend from the sky in a direct course towards me. Oh no.
Using my power, I slapped the creature off-course with a wall of air. Taken by surprise, it crashed into the ground a few meters away.
Adrenaline pumped all over my body as I forced myself to stand, ignoring the pain that was beginning to arise. My psychic sense went into battle mode and I summoned forth my power, readying myself to fight whatever attacked me.
The bird recovered itself from its crash and was soon fluttering its wings. The wings were literally made of blue flames, burning and dancing against the mist with every flap. It stood at the same height as I and looked at me with a scornful, fiery glare.
I glared back, bracing myself for another bolt to the face. But just as the flaming bird flew into the air once more, another bolt of light came from somewhere within the mist and towards my face, sending me stumbling back into the ground.
I found myself attacked by bolts from every direction, slamming against my psychic shielding with increasing power and ferocity. Try as might, my psychic sense was impaired and I had difficulty trying to focus my power. Fear welled up within me as death seemed to loom closer.
I was alive, my emotions were real, my thoughts still existed. If this was the afterlife, or something similar, then why then did I have this desire, this burning passion to stay alive? Hadn't I resigned myself to die? Even going as far as to kill myself to ensure that my brain couldn't be used to further the pain I had wrought?
After a few seconds of contemplation, under the constant fire of unseen foes, I realized what I wanted.
I wanted a second chance.
My psychic power exploded outward, sending a shockwave that traveled in all directions. The mist was violently pushed back while trees rumbled in place as plants were flattered. Whatever was firing the bolts stopped.
I breathed heavily as I refocused my power and recalibrated my psychic sense. As I did, the blue flaming bird appeared from the corner of my eye. I quickly reached out with my hand and grabbed the bird with my power, slamming it into the ground as it struggled against my psychic grip.
The mist retreated, revealing the rest of those that had attacked me. There were many, and they were all animals. They surrounded me from all sides, their eyes bristling with either flame or sparks. I recognized them as being wolf, deer, elk, and moose. The deer were the most numerous, their antlers made of shimmering silver. The elk had longer antlers that sparkled with glowing motes. Notably, the lone moose had majestic antlers growing on either side of its head, forming a sort of crown. They were made of steel, glistening with sharpness and sparkling with electricity. Its body glowed an almost ethereal light, matching the glistening silver fur it had. Lastly, the large wolves with muscular bodies and somewhat thick gray fur. Six stood on each side of the moose. All of the animals had pulsing lines all over the skin, forming markings I did not understand.
The animals stood a distance away, their eyes and antlers pointed towards me. The moose looked to be their leader, standing directly in front of me. A moment later, fluttering and crackling filled my ears as more of the same blue flaming birds appeared from the sky.
Outnumbered and seemingly outgunned, I decided that I would do the only thing I had ever known.
Fight.
This time, however, I was not fighting for a despotic government or for a parent that never viewed me as a son. Instead, I was fighting for myself. For a chance. To survive. To live and be redeemed.
_____
Prev / Next / RoyalRoad

When I had mentioned that first dream I had of you, it didn’t really occur to me exactly what your reaction would be, other than the fact that you’d be pleased, and it would be okay to mention that dream.
I remember standing in the hallway with you towards the end, and how you mentioned that perhaps we’d see one another someday, during a layover. Your response was entirely appropriate, in fact anything more might not have been seen as socially appropriate. Yours was actually a perfect response, and I know you wanted more too, you just couldn’t say it.
I’ll never forget how very thrilled you were in those moments, how you really did just spark to life. That’s also why it’s called ‘coming out,’ even if it’s not done in the formal sense of the notion. Because in those times with me, you were coming out. It’s not just staunchly your sexuality in the most formal sense of the word. It’s also everything else you had been forced to suppress too, all of those other parts of yourself that ended up locked away in the process. Those parts of you, what makes you, you.
But it was also in that moment however, that I actually found myself surprisingly disappointed. I was disappointed, because when you said that, it struck me that a future in which we would part permanently, and only see one another, perhaps by chance, simply wasn’t good enough. I desired more; and that scared me.
I remember how very daunting that thought was, and how I did my best to hide that revelation. I of course didn’t want you to have to walk away during those moments either. I honestly cannot remember, if ever, that I had consciously come to understand a sentiment like that towards someone. To have that tangible feeling, and to be so struck by the realization of it.
I, in all of my stress and diminished health had also never gotten beyond the idea of “next time,” and “I’ll see you again in a few weeks.” I know parting became hard for you too. It was always sad to bid you farewell.
When I wrote to you about that first time when it occurred to me that you loved me, my frustration wasn’t truly that I wanted you to stop, that frustration was borne from how very limited we were. I didn’t want you to stop. Not ever. I didn’t know what to do with it. I still don’t.
But most of my frustration mainly affected me afterwards. And just when I thought it was all past, it would loom over me again. I guess it can take a year for my dopamine receptors to normalize after all that Compazine. Its only been a couple of weeks, and right now, I’m all shakes and depression, but I’m still very apprehensive. I also have a very big decision looming over me, which I’m sure isn’t helping.
My migraines are back. It turns out that Compazine treats those too!!! Who knew. I figured I hadn’t been getting them all that time because maybe the tumor had shrunken or something. I remember the PA asking about them, I thought maybe it was also that I hadn’t been doing anything. Nope. It’s either migraines and debilitating nausea, or insurmountable depression, frustration, moodiness, dizziness, loss of vision, etc. It’s terrifying.
Anyway, I always wonder how you’re doing. It’s such a conundrum, because while I wish nothing more than your happiness, it is also with a great lamentation that said happiness does not include me.
The trajectory of this all, makes me so very sad. It’s an awful self fulfilling prophecy of homophobia, with the slightly less noxious version which tells us that it’s okay to think about one another in such a manner, while insisting that we never act upon it just the same. And society does the rest. Society would inflict upon you, the veritable suffering of all the threats that are promised, should you dare step out of line. Self fulfilling prophecy. Women aren’t allowed to belong to each other like that, not even for a night. That privilege is reserved solely for men.
It’s a further conundrum that I love you too much for you to ever take even the slightest risk, as it pertains to me. You have everything to lose, even for just a night, or, less. And I know more than anyone at this point, that once you lose anything, it’s likely gone for good.
I think it hurts even more, because in the very bleakest of situations, to have found love, is nothing short of an otherworldly marvel, and yet, for that love to never know a true fruition, is nothing short of a tortured tragedy. There’s such an unfathomably twisted irony to it. I just don’t know what to do with it all.

Hi, this is probably going to be a confusing post because I'm currently confused and need a LOT of advice.
I'm currently a 17 year old teenager who is on her way to college and I've been having major relationship issues with my mom all my life but as of recently things have gotten way worse. My mom is a very religious woman and a single mother, she can drink quite a bit but she's never aggressive when drunk or argumentative. I just need help on deciding if i'm just being a major dickwad of a daughter and what to do with my dog. So sorry in advance for any confusion or silliness. I may also mention a lot a small things but they have definitely added on to this moment.
I'm not really sure where to start but today I stayed home from home because my mom did something with my hair. This process involved chemicals and the night before I expressed my concerned because my hair had been through a LOT in the day before (heat, washing, combing, products) and all of these things are not supposed to be done when getting g this treatment. When I did this I upset her because she felt like i didn't trust her judgement and she got upset about that. The next days comes and I'm very worried about my hair being ruined but the process goes well. Later my dog is outside and starts barking so she goes to get her and sees that my dog pooped on the back porch (my dog is getting older and it was raining but she's not supposed to out on the porch) and my mom beats her really hard and drags her by her collar and doesn't let her front two feet touch the ground. I'm very upset by this but am not allowed to express it or i'll be in trouble. She had also told me to clean the bathroom so right after she threw my dog into my room I go to get a broom and she thought I was going to comfort my dog and lashes out and me and says I'll get it too if I comfort my dog. So I start crying because I feel like she's just finding any reason to be upset with me. She proceeds to tell me I shouldn't be crying because she needs to beat the dog to prevent me from getting in trouble i'm not sure what she meant by that. Anyways she's goes to drop me off to work 3 hours early because it's the only time she can and before we leave she asked me to pull the trash can to the front so I do and wipe my hands on the seat after absentmindedly because it rained, this upset her and she told me that if I did that again she would punch me. Which made me cry again and she said I'm so ungrateful and I never say thank you, (yesterday she helped me get ready for prom but didn't want to do anything in the way I envisioned and I felt like I looked horrible, but I never voiced this to her I was more concerned about being late to meet my date) she brought up the prom situation and said I was extremely ungrateful (I proceeded to thank her in tears but she said it was genuine because she had to force me) and that she will no longer take me to work because she's always doing more than many other parents do and all by herself and I'm not grateful but she (in my opinion) does the things a parents supposed to do and complains the entire time, she: - Takes me to the bus stop for school at 4 am which is in our neighborhood and is a one minute drive at most and about a 5 minute walk but complains about how she could be asleep instead - picks me up from same bus stop - Food & place to live - She works from home in her bed so she's not overworked or extremely tired - Transports to work & back (but doesn't want do it on sundays because she doesn't want to do anything on sundays) Amd she doesn't: - Take me to the doctor (I do not get check ups and I haven't since I was in elementary school I believe) I've been twice recently to get shots required for school which she didn't wanna do because of religion and for the flu because i needed a doctors note, these are the first time in years. - Get new clothes, under garments, shoes & hygiene products ( but i do not ask because I have a job now so either way I'll be paying for it since I have the money which is okay but i wish she's just understand that parents do i fact get these things for their kids)(Once before I had a job I ran out of deodorant and was to scared to ask because I wasn't sure if she would have the money) She gets clothes and little snacks for herself even when money is tight and will borrow money for groceries and still pick up alcohol (but she's trying to stop drinking)(she may not get me clothes because she doesn't know my style well enough) - No emotional support - No rides anywhere other than school, work, or occasionally and family/friends house but if I want to go somewhere it's best for me to find my own way because it would inconvenience her and she would make me feel bad about it.
Recently we have been having issues with her lashing out on me and my dog, using fear to control us. She will curse name call and sometimes threaten. Once we had gotten into a physical fight initiated by me because i thought she was going to hit me after threatening to and stepping closer so I pushed her away (we were face to face and she was yelling at me). Another time tension was high and I dropped a broom and she asked me angrily if I thrown it (she was right there) and I said no in an agitated tone because of how dumb the assumption was and she grabbed me by my hair and ripped some out slamming me into the wall. I'm not sure what to do, I plan to go to my grandmas but Idk if that's right because i'm not the best daughter I can be moody and messy sometimes and a bit absent minded, but sometimes I feel like these are normal teenage things. I also talk back but to me it's me trying to defend myself or my point because I am getting older and growing into my own person. I've struggled a bit with my mental state and have told her this but she tells me that demonic and will never take me to be checked for anything even though I have told her multiple times that I wanted to die and have tried but she's never done anything to help and ignores/forgets about even thought it's something that is still ongoing.I don't know what to do I'm really tired of feeling this way and being hurt by my mom. I just want her to understand me but i'm not sure if i'm being one sided and selfish, Sometimes and I can be in bad mood from things that happened during my day and be be a bit snappy but I don't ever dare to curse or scream at her. She's awful to me and my dog. Her personality is even seen in the way she drives. She is constantly speeding cutting in front of people and driving like she's above the law and it can be scary at times as she has crashed her car multiple times. Multiple people have made comments about the way she drives and the way she reacts to to things, she can be very reactive and defensive if you say anything outside of what she agrees with. (sorry if some of the things I say don't make sense. I'm now using voice to speech.) there is a rule that I cannot use the bathroom when she's about to get off of work or when she's coming home because I spent too much time in the bathroom and she has to pee. I just don't know what to do because I feel like everything can set her off and I want to leave and go to my grandmothers for the summer, but I'm worried about what will happen to my dog because she is my favorite and I don't know what I can do without her. My plan originally was to go to stay on campus because it's required for semester or year, I'm not really sure. Then get apartment or whatever I can afford, and my dog to live with me. I'm just really frustrated because I feel like I have no one to tell about this and no one who is willing to see my side of things because I live in a family that believes that adults have full authority they can never be wrong. I'm not sure if I'm disrespectful or a rebel by thinking that I'm at the age that my feelings in a matter just a bit and some decisions and the way people treat me. I know that I can sometimes we have a really bad mood or be a bit snappy, but I don't know what to do with my feelings. I'm not sure where to put them and how to direct them. I've never been taught. I've never had a very open relationship with my mom so I kind of feel like I have to deal with every emotion on my own and every big thing on my own and it gets a bit overwhelming. sorry I don't mean to be a downer, but I'm just really not sure what to do. there's more but I'm very tired as I've just got off from work and I need to get ready for school at 4 o'clock in the morning so sorry but can anyone please give me advice on what to do?
PS: Sorry that this may be seen in a lot of threads I REALLY need advice and sorry if it's kinda long and confusing/lacking info pls ask questions if needed: Ik I don't have it the worse but I want it to be better.

Hi, this is probably going to be a confusing post because I'm currently confused and need a LOT of advice.
I'm currently a 17 year old teenager who is on her way to college and I've been having major relationship issues with my mom all my life but as of recently things have gotten way worse. My mom is a very religious woman and a single mother, she can drink quite a bit but she's never aggressive when drunk or argumentative. I just need help on deciding if i'm just being a major dickwad of a daughter and what to do with my dog. So sorry in advance for any confusion or silliness. I may also mention a lot a small things but they have definitely added on to this moment.
I'm not really sure where to start but today I stayed home from home because my mom did something with my hair. This process involved chemicals and the night before I expressed my concerned because my hair had been through a LOT in the day before (heat, washing, combing, products) and all of these things are not supposed to be done when getting g this treatment. When I did this I upset her because she felt like i didn't trust her judgement and she got upset about that. The next days comes and I'm very worried about my hair being ruined but the process goes well. Later my dog is outside and starts barking so she goes to get her and sees that my dog pooped on the back porch (my dog is getting older and it was raining but she's not supposed to out on the porch) and my mom beats her really hard and drags her by her collar and doesn't let her front two feet touch the ground. I'm very upset by this but am not allowed to express it or i'll be in trouble. She had also told me to clean the bathroom so right after she threw my dog into my room I go to get a broom and she thought I was going to comfort my dog and lashes out and me and says I'll get it too if I comfort my dog. So I start crying because I feel like she's just finding any reason to be upset with me. She proceeds to tell me I shouldn't be crying because she needs to beat the dog to prevent me from getting in trouble i'm not sure what she meant by that. Anyways she's goes to drop me off to work 3 hours early because it's the only time she can and before we leave she asked me to pull the trash can to the front so I do and wipe my hands on the seat after absentmindedly because it rained, this upset her and she told me that if I did that again she would punch me. Which made me cry again and she said I'm so ungrateful and I never say thank you, (yesterday she helped me get ready for prom but didn't want to do anything in the way I envisioned and I felt like I looked horrible, but I never voiced this to her I was more concerned about being late to meet my date) she brought up the prom situation and said I was extremely ungrateful (I proceeded to thank her in tears but she said it was genuine because she had to force me) and that she will no longer take me to work because she's always doing more than many other parents do and all by herself and I'm not grateful but she (in my opinion) does the things a parents supposed to do and complains the entire time, she: - Takes me to the bus stop for school at 4 am which is in our neighborhood and is a one minute drive at most and about a 5 minute walk but complains about how she could be asleep instead - picks me up from same bus stop - Food & place to live - She works from home in her bed so she's not overworked or extremely tired - Transports to work & back (but doesn't want do it on sundays because she doesn't want to do anything on sundays) Amd she doesn't: - Take me to the doctor (I do not get check ups and I haven't since I was in elementary school I believe) I've been twice recently to get shots required for school which she didn't wanna do because of religion and for the flu because i needed a doctors note, these are the first time in years. - Get new clothes, under garments, shoes & hygiene products ( but i do not ask because I have a job now so either way I'll be paying for it since I have the money which is okay but i wish she's just understand that parents do i fact get these things for their kids)(Once before I had a job I ran out of deodorant and was to scared to ask because I wasn't sure if she would have the money) She gets clothes and little snacks for herself even when money is tight and will borrow money for groceries and still pick up alcohol (but she's trying to stop drinking)(she may not get me clothes because she doesn't know my style well enough) - No emotional support - No rides anywhere other than school, work, or occasionally and family/friends house but if I want to go somewhere it's best for me to find my own way because it would inconvenience her and she would make me feel bad about it.
Recently we have been having issues with her lashing out on me and my dog, using fear to control us. She will curse name call and sometimes threaten. Once we had gotten into a physical fight initiated by me because i thought she was going to hit me after threatening to and stepping closer so I pushed her away (we were face to face and she was yelling at me). Another time tension was high and I dropped a broom and she asked me angrily if I thrown it (she was right there) and I said no in an agitated tone because of how dumb the assumption was and she grabbed me by my hair and ripped some out slamming me into the wall. I'm not sure what to do, I plan to go to my grandmas but Idk if that's right because i'm not the best daughter I can be moody and messy sometimes and a bit absent minded, but sometimes I feel like these are normal teenage things. I also talk back but to me it's me trying to defend myself or my point because I am getting older and growing into my own person. I've struggled a bit with my mental state and have told her this but she tells me that demonic and will never take me to be checked for anything even though I have told her multiple times that I wanted to die and have tried but she's never done anything to help and ignores/forgets about even thought it's something that is still ongoing.I don't know what to do I'm really tired of feeling this way and being hurt by my mom. I just want her to understand me but i'm not sure if i'm being one sided and selfish, Sometimes and I can be in bad mood from things that happened during my day and be be a bit snappy but I don't ever dare to curse or scream at her. She's awful to me and my dog. Her personality is even seen in the way she drives. She is constantly speeding cutting in front of people and driving like she's above the law and it can be scary at times as she has crashed her car multiple times. Multiple people have made comments about the way she drives and the way she reacts to to things, she can be very reactive and defensive if you say anything outside of what she agrees with. (sorry if some of the things I say don't make sense. I'm now using voice to speech.) there is a rule that I cannot use the bathroom when she's about to get off of work or when she's coming home because I spent too much time in the bathroom and she has to pee. I just don't know what to do because I feel like everything can set her off and I want to leave and go to my grandmothers for the summer, but I'm worried about what will happen to my dog because she is my favorite and I don't know what I can do without her. My plan originally was to go to stay on campus because it's required for semester or year, I'm not really sure. Then get apartment or whatever I can afford, and my dog to live with me. I'm just really frustrated because I feel like I have no one to tell about this and no one who is willing to see my side of things because I live in a family that believes that adults have full authority they can never be wrong. I'm not sure if I'm disrespectful or a rebel by thinking that I'm at the age that my feelings in a matter just a bit and some decisions and the way people treat me. I know that I can sometimes we have a really bad mood or be a bit snappy, but I don't know what to do with my feelings. I'm not sure where to put them and how to direct them. I've never been taught. I've never had a very open relationship with my mom so I kind of feel like I have to deal with every emotion on my own and every big thing on my own and it gets a bit overwhelming. sorry I don't mean to be a downer, but I'm just really not sure what to do. there's more but I'm very tired as I've just got off from work and I need to get ready for school at 4 o'clock in the morning so sorry but can anyone please give me advice on what to do?
PS: Sorry that this may be seen in a lot of threads I REALLY need advice and sorry if it's kinda long and confusing/lacking info pls ask questions if needed: Ik I don't have it the worse but I want it to be better.

Hi, this is probably going to be a confusing post because I'm currently confused and need a LOT of advice.
I'm currently a 17 year old teenager who is on her way to college and I've been having major relationship issues with my mom all my life but as of recently things have gotten way worse. My mom is a very religious woman and a single mother, she can drink quite a bit but she's never aggressive when drunk or argumentative. I just need help on deciding if i'm just being a major dickwad of a daughter and what to do with my dog. So sorry in advance for any confusion or silliness. I may also mention a lot a small things but they have definitely added on to this moment.
I'm not really sure where to start but today I stayed home from home because my mom did something with my hair. This process involved chemicals and the night before I expressed my concerned because my hair had been through a LOT in the day before (heat, washing, combing, products) and all of these things are not supposed to be done when getting g this treatment. When I did this I upset her because she felt like i didn't trust her judgement and she got upset about that. The next days comes and I'm very worried about my hair being ruined but the process goes well. Later my dog is outside and starts barking so she goes to get her and sees that my dog pooped on the back porch (my dog is getting older and it was raining but she's not supposed to out on the porch) and my mom beats her really hard and drags her by her collar and doesn't let her front two feet touch the ground. I'm very upset by this but am not allowed to express it or i'll be in trouble. She had also told me to clean the bathroom so right after she threw my dog into my room I go to get a broom and she thought I was going to comfort my dog and lashes out and me and says I'll get it too if I comfort my dog. So I start crying because I feel like she's just finding any reason to be upset with me. She proceeds to tell me I shouldn't be crying because she needs to beat the dog to prevent me from getting in trouble i'm not sure what she meant by that. Anyways she's goes to drop me off to work 3 hours early because it's the only time she can and before we leave she asked me to pull the trash can to the front so I do and wipe my hands on the seat after absentmindedly because it rained, this upset her and she told me that if I did that again she would punch me. Which made me cry again and she said I'm so ungrateful and I never say thank you, (yesterday she helped me get ready for prom but didn't want to do anything in the way I envisioned and I felt like I looked horrible, but I never voiced this to her I was more concerned about being late to meet my date) she brought up the prom situation and said I was extremely ungrateful (I proceeded to thank her in tears but she said it was genuine because she had to force me) and that she will no longer take me to work because she's always doing more than many other parents do and all by herself and I'm not grateful but she (in my opinion) does the things a parents supposed to do and complains the entire time, she: - Takes me to the bus stop for school at 4 am which is in our neighborhood and is a one minute drive at most and about a 5 minute walk but complains about how she could be asleep instead - picks me up from same bus stop - Food & place to live - She works from home in her bed so she's not overworked or extremely tired - Transports to work & back (but doesn't want do it on sundays because she doesn't want to do anything on sundays) Amd she doesn't: - Take me to the doctor (I do not get check ups and I haven't since I was in elementary school I believe) I've been twice recently to get shots required for school which she didn't wanna do because of religion and for the flu because i needed a doctors note, these are the first time in years. - Get new clothes, under garments, shoes & hygiene products ( but i do not ask because I have a job now so either way I'll be paying for it since I have the money which is okay but i wish she's just understand that parents do i fact get these things for their kids)(Once before I had a job I ran out of deodorant and was to scared to ask because I wasn't sure if she would have the money) She gets clothes and little snacks for herself even when money is tight and will borrow money for groceries and still pick up alcohol (but she's trying to stop drinking)(she may not get me clothes because she doesn't know my style well enough) - No emotional support - No rides anywhere other than school, work, or occasionally and family/friends house but if I want to go somewhere it's best for me to find my own way because it would inconvenience her and she would make me feel bad about it.
Recently we have been having issues with her lashing out on me and my dog, using fear to control us. She will curse name call and sometimes threaten. Once we had gotten into a physical fight initiated by me because i thought she was going to hit me after threatening to and stepping closer so I pushed her away (we were face to face and she was yelling at me). Another time tension was high and I dropped a broom and she asked me angrily if I thrown it (she was right there) and I said no in an agitated tone because of how dumb the assumption was and she grabbed me by my hair and ripped some out slamming me into the wall. I'm not sure what to do, I plan to go to my grandmas but Idk if that's right because i'm not the best daughter I can be moody and messy sometimes and a bit absent minded, but sometimes I feel like these are normal teenage things. I also talk back but to me it's me trying to defend myself or my point because I am getting older and growing into my own person. I've struggled a bit with my mental state and have told her this but she tells me that demonic and will never take me to be checked for anything even though I have told her multiple times that I wanted to die and have tried but she's never done anything to help and ignores/forgets about even thought it's something that is still ongoing.I don't know what to do I'm really tired of feeling this way and being hurt by my mom. I just want her to understand me but i'm not sure if i'm being one sided and selfish, Sometimes and I can be in bad mood from things that happened during my day and be be a bit snappy but I don't ever dare to curse or scream at her. She's awful to me and my dog. Her personality is even seen in the way she drives. She is constantly speeding cutting in front of people and driving like she's above the law and it can be scary at times as she has crashed her car multiple times. Multiple people have made comments about the way she drives and the way she reacts to to things, she can be very reactive and defensive if you say anything outside of what she agrees with. (sorry if some of the things I say don't make sense. I'm now using voice to speech.) there is a rule that I cannot use the bathroom when she's about to get off of work or when she's coming home because I spent too much time in the bathroom and she has to pee. I just don't know what to do because I feel like everything can set her off and I want to leave and go to my grandmothers for the summer, but I'm worried about what will happen to my dog because she is my favorite and I don't know what I can do without her. My plan originally was to go to stay on campus because it's required for semester or year, I'm not really sure. Then get apartment or whatever I can afford, and my dog to live with me. I'm just really frustrated because I feel like I have no one to tell about this and no one who is willing to see my side of things because I live in a family that believes that adults have full authority they can never be wrong. I'm not sure if I'm disrespectful or a rebel by thinking that I'm at the age that my feelings in a matter just a bit and some decisions and the way people treat me. I know that I can sometimes we have a really bad mood or be a bit snappy, but I don't know what to do with my feelings. I'm not sure where to put them and how to direct them. I've never been taught. I've never had a very open relationship with my mom so I kind of feel like I have to deal with every emotion on my own and every big thing on my own and it gets a bit overwhelming. sorry I don't mean to be a downer, but I'm just really not sure what to do. there's more but I'm very tired as I've just got off from work and I need to get ready for school at 4 o'clock in the morning so sorry but can anyone please give me advice on what to do?
PS: Sorry that this may be seen in a lot of threads I REALLY need advice and sorry if it's kinda long and confusing/lacking info pls ask questions if needed: Ik I don't have it the worse but I want it to be better.

The Millfield Grocery was a small family business located right on the main street of the town, with a flickering green awning above. Sarah pulled off the street into the small parking lot, the "Closed" sign hanging in the window. It was after the funeral that the store shutdown for a few days out of respect for Daniel Cobb's passing.
She got out and regarded the old-time shop with its hand-painted signs, boasting of weekly specials. She couldn't imagine the young man from the crime scene photos working here, bagging groceries, making small talk with customers. What secrets had he been hiding behind his shy, unremarkable exterior?
The bell on the door jingled as Sarah entered. The store smelled of fresh produce and spices, though the smell mixed with the faint undercurrent of industrial cleaner. A great array of colorful boxes and cans lined the narrow aisles that stretched out before her.
"Hello?" she called. Her voice was much too loud for this silent place. "Anyone here?"
After some time, there was a shuffle from the back of the shop, but still nothing. Until finally, a man in his forties stepped from behind the shelves. A potbellied, balding man with a face full of grief lines.
"What can I do for you?" he asked, voice full of a rough whirl of emotion.
Sarah flashed her badge. "Detective Reeves. I'm here about Daniel Cobb. Are you the owner?"
The man nodded, shoulders sagging. "Yeah, that's me. Bill Thompson. Daniel was. he was a good kid. Worked here for a few years. I just can't believe he's gone." "I'm y very sorry for your loss," came Sarah's voice, barely going over a murmur. "I know this is a difficult time, but I need to ask you a few questions. Did Daniel have any enemies that you know of? Anyone who might have wanted to hurt him?"
Bill shook his head, his brow furrowed. "No, nothing like that. Daniel was quiet, kept to himself mostly. But he was always polite, and reliable. Customers liked him." Sarah pulled out a small notepad. "Personal? Did he have family in the area, a girlfriend maybe?"
"Never had a family that I knew of. He would never talk about the old days. Now, as for a girlfriend." Bill hesitated, looking uncomfortable. "There was a girl that sometimes would come in, seemed sweet to him. But Daniel didn't seem to return the sentiment." "You know her name?"
"Ashley, I believe. Ashley...Sutton? Sutton, yes that's right. She's a librarian in town."
Sarah jotted down the name. "Oh, that's good. Another thing did you observe any suspicious behavior by Daniel a few days before his death? I mean, was he nervous or did anything seem to frighten him?"
Bill hesitated a moment, considering, and then slowly shook his head. "No, nothing comes to mind. He was just Daniel. Kept to himself, quiet."
Sarah put the notebook away. "Okay, thank you for your time, Mr. Thompson. I'll be in touch if I need to." On her way back to the car, Sarah felt her mind churning. A secret girlfriend that Daniel had turned down: could that be a motive for murder? It seemed thin, but it was a lead worth following up on. She'd drop by the library and see if she could track down this Ashley Sutton.
The library was a stately brick building set just off the town square, its steps worn smooth by generations of patrons. Before going in, Sarah checked her reflection in the glass doors and smoothed a few flyaway strands of hair.
Inside, it was cool and hushed—the air smelled faintly of aged paper and lemon scented polish. The girl sitting at the circulation desk, her blonde hair pulled back into a neat ponytail, looked up.
"Can I help you?" she murmured respectfully at the tone.
Sarah stepped up to the desk, pulling out her badge once more. "Detective Reeves. I'm looking for Ashley Sutton."
The woman's blue eyes widened. "That's me. What's this about?"
"I am working on the murder of Daniel Cobb. I believe you knew each other?"
Ashley's face crumpled, tears springing to her eyes. "Oh god, Danny. Yes, I...I had feelings for him. But he didn't...I mean, we were just friends."
Sarah softened her tone. "I'm sorry for your loss. Can you tell me a bit about your relationship with Daniel? When was the last time you saw him?"
Ashley drew a shaky breath. "We met here at the library a few months ago. He came in a lot, always checking out these really obscure books on local history and unsolved crimes. We got to talking and. I don't know, I just really liked him. But he was so shy, so withdrawn. I asked him out for coffee a few times but he always said no." She wrung her hands together. "I saw him last maybe a week ago? He came in, and spent hours in the back corner pouring over these old newspaper clippings. He seemed. anxious. Nervous, you know? But he wouldn't tell me what was wrong."
"Do you remember what he was reading?" Sarah asked, her heart beating faster.
"Well, it was, um, sort of about a load of deaths that were unsolved in Millfield in the '60s. Missing people, strange accidents, that kind of thing. He had a stack of articles going back years."
Sarah jotted that down; it was interesting. One more cold case that intrigued Daniel. Could it be related to his murder in some way?
"Thanks, Ashley," she said. "You were great with your help. If you think of something else, just give me a call." She handed over her card, and then headed for the part of the library that Ashley had mentioned. The shelves there were jam-packed with dusty archives, newspaper binders, and local history books. Sarah rifled through them, looking for the cases Daniel had been studying. She then came across a series of reports filed that year, showing a chain of disappearances in 1963, all within the town limits of Millfield: a teenage couple that disappeared after an evening at the drive-in; a drifter who just disappeared while traveling through town; a reclusive widow who just simply vanished from her cabin in the woods.
The police at the time had been at a loss. The signs of foul play were absent, not a body was turned up in the search. It was almost like these people just blinked out of existence. The case went cold almost in no time, lost in the pages of time and memory.
But why had Daniel Cobb been so interested in them? What secrets did he believe they contained in those dusty archives? And, most importantly, had that interest cost him his life? Sarah gathered copies of relevant articles, the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach growing stronger. A crime of passion seemed to be morphing into the silencing of a man who knew too much—a man who was her father. But much too much about what? What secret so dark did someone at Millfield lie sleepless, trying to keep hidden? As Sarah left the library, the afternoon sun seemed to have lost some of its warmth. Shadows pooled deeper in the alleys and beneath the trees. She couldn't shake the primal flutter of unease between her shoulder blades, the ancestral tingle that whispered of unseen eyes watching from the dark. She shook it off, irritated with herself over letting the small-town atmosphere get to her. She was a detective—a rational woman. Whatever had happened to Daniel Cobb, whatever he had discovered, it would have a rational explanation. After all, killers were only human. They bled and died like any other. The only monsters were the ones people created for themselves. She steeled herself; with resolve, Sarah walked to her car. There were leads to follow, a mystery to unravel, and justice to be served for Daniel Cobb and these long-ago victims of Millfield. She would pull the truth out of any shadow, no matter how deep, and no matter what waited within it. All she could hope was that she was ready for the truth that would be.

Hi, my younger brother (20M) is gay and wants to go out in the dating world which is perfectly fine with me (also gay btw), but the problem I'm having is figuring out is if he's ready to go out there by himself. He is intellectually disabled (trouble spelling and reading, learning disability, short memory, doesnt know how correctly get change when buying stuff, ect...) and has never really been out by himself. He's always had someone with him whenever he's out. In my eyes he's always been like a little kid to me, because of how much I take care of him. He really just wants to have a normal relationship lovey dovey but here's where I struggle to know if I'm being overprotective or not. As you guys know pride month is coming and thankfully we live in LA so the community here is as strong as it can be. This LA pride he'd like to find himself a boyfriend, and I'm just worried if he'd be fine on his own to look for one there, yk mingle and socialize. I'm just scared that because of his intellectual disability someone might take advantage of him, not just physically but emotionally, little dude is just ready to look for his love but I don't want someone to play him YK? I also don't wanna cramp his style and any chances of him finding someone by being next to him the entire time watching over him, but I'm not sure if I can just let him be on his own. I'd really like to hear back from anyone, I could use some insight, especially if there are other people here who might relate to my brother's situation in one way or another. I just don't know what to do. Ive also thought about helping him set up a dating app, maybe that would be a better first step, but even then how would i know that someone isnt taking advantage of him. Sorry if I didn't articulate this correctly, I tried the best that I could while also listing as many of my concerns in here. That's all I have for now, I'd really appreciate any comments pertaining to this, thanks in advance.

Hi, this is probably going to be a confusing post because I'm currently confused and need a LOT of advice.
I'm currently a 17 year old teenager who is on her way to college and I've been having major relationship issues with my mom all my life but as of recently things have gotten way worse. My mom is a very religious woman and a single mother, she can drink quite a bit but she's never aggressive when drunk or argumentative. I just need help on deciding if i'm just being a major dickwad of a daughter and what to do with my dog. So sorry in advance for any confusion or silliness. I may also mention a lot a small things but they have definitely added on to this moment.
I'm not really sure where to start but today I stayed home from home because my mom did something with my hair. This process involved chemicals and the night before I expressed my concerned because my hair had been through a LOT in the day before (heat, washing, combing, products) and all of these things are not supposed to be done when getting g this treatment. When I did this I upset her because she felt like i didn't trust her judgement and she got upset about that. The next days comes and I'm very worried about my hair being ruined but the process goes well. Later my dog is outside and starts barking so she goes to get her and sees that my dog pooped on the back porch (my dog is getting older and it was raining but she's not supposed to out on the porch) and my mom beats her really hard and drags her by her collar and doesn't let her front two feet touch the ground. I'm very upset by this but am not allowed to express it or i'll be in trouble. She had also told me to clean the bathroom so right after she threw my dog into my room I go to get a broom and she thought I was going to comfort my dog and lashes out and me and says I'll get it too if I comfort my dog. So I start crying because I feel like she's just finding any reason to be upset with me. She proceeds to tell me I shouldn't be crying because she needs to beat the dog to prevent me from getting in trouble i'm not sure what she meant by that. Anyways she's goes to drop me off to work 3 hours early because it's the only time she can and before we leave she asked me to pull the trash can to the front so I do and wipe my hands on the seat after absentmindedly because it rained, this upset her and she told me that if I did that again she would punch me. Which made me cry again and she said I'm so ungrateful and I never say thank you, (yesterday she helped me get ready for prom but didn't want to do anything in the way I envisioned and I felt like I looked horrible, but I never voiced this to her I was more concerned about being late to meet my date) she brought up the prom situation and said I was extremely ungrateful (I proceeded to thank her in tears but she said it was genuine because she had to force me) and that she will no longer take me to work because she's always doing more than many other parents do and all by herself and I'm not grateful but she (in my opinion) does the things a parents supposed to do and complains the entire time, she: - Takes me to the bus stop for school at 4 am which is in our neighborhood and is a one minute drive at most and about a 5 minute walk but complains about how she could be asleep instead - picks me up from same bus stop - Food & place to live - She works from home in her bed so she's not overworked or extremely tired - Transports to work & back (but doesn't want do it on sundays because she doesn't want to do anything on sundays) Amd she doesn't: - Take me to the doctor (I do not get check ups and I haven't since I was in elementary school I believe) I've been twice recently to get shots required for school which she didn't wanna do because of religion and for the flu because i needed a doctors note, these are the first time in years. - Get new clothes, under garments, shoes & hygiene products ( but i do not ask because I have a job now so either way I'll be paying for it since I have the money which is okay but i wish she's just understand that parents do i fact get these things for their kids)(Once before I had a job I ran out of deodorant and was to scared to ask because I wasn't sure if she would have the money) She gets clothes and little snacks for herself even when money is tight and will borrow money for groceries and still pick up alcohol (but she's trying to stop drinking)(she may not get me clothes because she doesn't know my style well enough) - No emotional support - No rides anywhere other than school, work, or occasionally and family/friends house but if I want to go somewhere it's best for me to find my own way because it would inconvenience her and she would make me feel bad about it.
Recently we have been having issues with her lashing out on me and my dog, using fear to control us. She will curse name call and sometimes threaten. Once we had gotten into a physical fight initiated by me because i thought she was going to hit me after threatening to and stepping closer so I pushed her away (we were face to face and she was yelling at me). Another time tension was high and I dropped a broom and she asked me angrily if I thrown it (she was right there) and I said no in an agitated tone because of how dumb the assumption was and she grabbed me by my hair and ripped some out slamming me into the wall. I'm not sure what to do, I plan to go to my grandmas but Idk if that's right because i'm not the best daughter I can be moody and messy sometimes and a bit absent minded, but sometimes I feel like these are normal teenage things. I also talk back but to me it's me trying to defend myself or my point because I am getting older and growing into my own person. I've struggled a bit with my mental state and have told her this but she tells me that demonic and will never take me to be checked for anything even though I have told her multiple times that I wanted to die and have tried but she's never done anything to help and ignores/forgets about even thought it's something that is still ongoing.I don't know what to do I'm really tired of feeling this way and being hurt by my mom. I just want her to understand me but i'm not sure if i'm being one sided and selfish, Sometimes and I can be in bad mood from things that happened during my day and be be a bit snappy but I don't ever dare to curse or scream at her. She's awful to me and my dog. Her personality is even seen in the way she drives. She is constantly speeding cutting in front of people and driving like she's above the law and it can be scary at times as she has crashed her car multiple times. Multiple people have made comments about the way she drives and the way she reacts to to things, she can be very reactive and defensive if you say anything outside of what she agrees with. (sorry if some of the things I say don't make sense. I'm now using voice to speech.) there is a rule that I cannot use the bathroom when she's about to get off of work or when she's coming home because I spent too much time in the bathroom and she has to pee. I just don't know what to do because I feel like everything can set her off and I want to leave and go to my grandmothers for the summer, but I'm worried about what will happen to my dog because she is my favorite and I don't know what I can do without her. My plan originally was to go to stay on campus because it's required for semester or year, I'm not really sure. Then get apartment or whatever I can afford, and my dog to live with me. I'm just really frustrated because I feel like I have no one to tell about this and no one who is willing to see my side of things because I live in a family that believes that adults have full authority they can never be wrong. I'm not sure if I'm disrespectful or a rebel by thinking that I'm at the age that my feelings in a matter just a bit and some decisions and the way people treat me. I know that I can sometimes we have a really bad mood or be a bit snappy, but I don't know what to do with my feelings. I'm not sure where to put them and how to direct them. I've never been taught. I've never had a very open relationship with my mom so I kind of feel like I have to deal with every emotion on my own and every big thing on my own and it gets a bit overwhelming. sorry I don't mean to be a downer, but I'm just really not sure what to do. there's more but I'm very tired as I've just got off from work and I need to get ready for school at 4 o'clock in the morning so sorry but can anyone please give me advice on what to do?
PS: Sorry that this may be seen in a lot of threads I REALLY need advice and sorry if it's kinda long and confusing/lacking info pls ask questions if needed: Ik I don't have it the worse but I want it to be better.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Quirky_Scientist_835
AITAH for wanting a divorce from an otherwise good marriage because of unsatisfying sex?
Originally posted to AITAH
TRIGGER WARNING: manipulation, coercion, neglect emotional abuse, stalking
Original Post March 11, 2024
Throwaway because I am pretty sure he knows my main account
Me (F40s) met my husband (M40s) when we were in college. Both from very conservative religious backgrounds. Married super young and had 3 kids relatively quickly. The youngest will be an adult soon.
To say I was sexually repressed would be an understatement. I didn’t even have my first orgasm until I was 22 years old and it was practically by accident. Sex with my husband has always been satisfactory. In the beginning especially it was more about the intimacy and closeness and less about the act itself or getting off. My husband has, ahem, a hair trigger, and gets excited (and it’s over) easily. Still to this day over 20 years later. I think he’s a premature ejaculator but no official diagnosis or anything. So sex is often over quickly. He doesn’t want to leave me hanging so he will then try to get me off manually but over 90% of the time I just fake orgasms to get it over with because I know he can’t get me there. He is not adventurous. He doesn’t want to have oral sex (giving or receiving). He’s ok with taking direction but me just constantly telling him what to do turns into a mood killer for me. Any time I discuss working on our sex life he shuts down. Based on an experience we had about 12 or 13 years ago where we went to therapy for something that happened (not related to our marriage) he will not entertain the thought of therapy. Not sure if it’s because of the sex, but I’m only sometimes attracted to him. Some days I see him and I’m sure I have hearts in my eyes. Other times, especially in bed, I feel nothing. I have faked being asleep to avoid sex with him. Other times I will initiate sex and basically use him like a sex toy, but I no longer feel any emotional connection.
Aside from sex, our marriage is great. We raised wonderful humans. He loves and dotes on me. He still sends flowers to my work. He is patient and thoughtful and listens. He’s affectionate and always wants hugs or cuddles. He has always been good about sharing housework and responsibilities. He’s always been a super hands on dad. My family loves him and his family loves me. We have a lot of shared hobbies and interests. I genuinely enjoy his company.
I don’t know if this is a mid life crisis but I have a constant nagging thought that THIS IS IT and I hate it. I’ve chosen to be married to him which means I will never have a single enjoyable sexual experience with another human being for the rest of my life. I am not an ultimatum person and even if I gave him one, he’s not going to magically turn into a good sexual partner. I have the number of some divorce lawyers and I’m thinking of calling them and just exploring. Sometimes the idea of being single is terrifying and sometimes I think, it’s not so bad.
When I told my best friend, she flipped out. She said she would never speak with me again if I did this and that I’d lost my mind. She said it would be horrible and I would ruin a good man’s life. AITA?
Editing to add some details because people keep asking/commenting:
Yes, I own a vibrator. He does not want it used during sex.
I have tried introducing porn. He is not open to it.
I have been to therapy and will definitely be going again to a counselor. He is not open to it.
I am not a convincing liar and in most cases he knows I’m faking orgasms (he frequently questions whether I just faked it) but he also now sees it as the signal for throwing in the towel and is ok to just stop there and cuddle.
I have been blunt and open and honest about it. He shuts down. He will walk away, or cry, or sometimes say he’s open to change but then nothing will actually change.
UPDATE 3/12: thanks everyone for your input. I wanted to hear it, good and bad. I made an appointment with a therapist for the end of this week. I am working on a list of things I would like to see change (working on limiting his alcohol consumption, addressing his health issues/obesity, not avoiding difficult conversations) in addition to the sexual issues and will work with the therapist to figure out how to address them. A lot of what is going through my mind right now was the result of having 10 days to myself where he had to travel to Asia for work, and how happy and easy my life felt during that time. He was texting and calling constantly telling me how much he missed being home, while I was loving “single life” where I cooked whatever meals I wanted and went out where I wanted and went on hikes and had coffee with co-workers and hung out with my youngest just the two of us. I was masturbating at least once a day and having amazing orgasms. If I had thrown casual sex into the mix in that time, I probably would have been the happiest I’ve been in years. When he got back, he looked like absolute shit and said “I never want to be apart that long again.” We had sex within an hour of him coming home, and afterwards he was blissed out and I was numb. I think that’s when it hit me how much more he gets from our relationship. Whether we stay together or not, something needs to change.
Update Apr 30, 2024
Update to this post I made a couple of months ago:
https://www.reddit.com/AITAH/s/ZNnq2852Iu
This is long and rambling so the tl/dr version is: in therapy, and things are the same or maybe worse.
I took all of the comments to heart, particularly the critical ones. I met with two divorce lawyers that week to chat through what the divorce could look like. At the time I didn’t expect it to be contentious but I just wanted to know what the process would be. We have our house and some other assets in trust, and we’ve been together so long that I wasn’t sure how simple it would be tonight unwind. I love the house and I was the one who did most of the design and renovation, so my plan was to offer to buy him out of it if it came to that.
Sat husband down and told him that I met with lawyers, and he said “I know.” Turns out he’s been tracking me on Find My almost nonstop 24/7, and that one of the offices was the only address he didn’t recognize as one of my usual haunts so he drove by it. I didn’t ask about the second one I saw, but it’s next to a big shopping mall we frequent so I think he must have just assumed that’s where I was. I asked if he thought I was having an affair and he replied with, “No, I know you’re not.” Well yeah, because you’re tracking me. I guess.
Anyway, he said he knew this was coming, and wanted to do whatever it took to fix things. I told him I don’t know if that’s going to be possible, but at a minimum I would need:
​

1. Couples counseling for us.
2. At least one visit to a sex therapist.
3. Individual therapy for him.
4. For him to sort out his health (follow the new diet from the endocrinologist, take the meds he’s been prescribed, use the CPAP consistently, etc.).

​
I told him I would be with him every step of the way and support him in all of it, but nothing was going to happen unless he took initiative. I also asked what he needed from me and all he said was “No more talk of breaking up or divorce.” I said ok to this, and also told him that I knew he hated administrative tasks like making appointments and getting insurance approvals, I could help with all of those things, even his.
At first he agreed with the plan and vehemently insisted that he was on board. Finding an available LMFT with an appointment was not easy but I managed to find one that was in network and they had an opening two days later. Husband hemmed and hawed about going because it was “so soon”. Then he said “It’s a woman, so you and she will just gang up on me.” I canceled that appointment and it wasn’t easy, but I found a male therapist who could squeeze us in for the following week. I found a different male therapist for him to see alone, but that appointment was 3 weeks out. I also made a follow up endocrinologist appointment for him and that hasn’t happened yet, and he still hasn’t filled his prescriptions or started the diet.
On the day of the therapy appointment which was 6 pm on a Thursday, I'm in the waiting room 10 minutes before the appointment when my husband texts, "emergency at work. be there a little late." This man has had the same job for 23 years and the only time that there was an emergency that would have required him to stay that late was when someone literally died. The therapist comes out and introduces himself, I go in, and when I explain the situation he tells me that he's seen a partner get cold feet about therapy many times. I'm embarrassed and self conscious about it but he assures me there's nothing to be upset about, it's not my fault, and would I like to proceed and chat without my husband. I call my husband and put him on speakerphone. He says he can only talk for a few minutes and has to run for this mysterious emergency. I start crying and I hang up on him, and then spend the rest of the time telling the therapist why I am pushing for counseling in the first place. The entire session was basically me vomiting words and crying. I would like to say it was cathartic, but it wasn't. It was just sad to hear it all out loud for the first time. I come home, and husband is waiting with dinner. I ignore him, pack a bag, and head to middle child's apartment. I end up spending the weekend there while I try to sort out what to do. Husband texts me frequently but mostly leaves me alone. Middle child has a heart to heart with him but they end up arguing and that situation itself gets strained, which unfortunately hasn’t improved. Husband thinks middle child plays favorites. It is true, but husband hasn’t been helping that situation.
On Monday when I'm in the office, I get an email from the therapy practice that a new appointment has been made for the following evening. Husband took the initiative to make the appointment. I go home Monday night, and a long apology letter is written out to me, and he's left me a necklace as a gift. My husband is a terrible gift giver - he spends money like it's going out of style but none of his gifts are thoughtful or made with the person in mind, but this is a specific necklace that I bookmarked so at first I was pleasantly surprised. Then I realized that the only way he'd know about the necklace was from the bookmark, so yeah, he's also snooping through my Macbook. The therapy appointment is the following day so I just ignore him when he comes home, sleep in a guest room, and ignore him the following morning. We go to therapy that night, and my husband actually participates and answers questions. This session goes fine, and we have one later in the week which is fine too. I'm not seeing any immediate changes, but you know, Rome wasn't built in a day, so I'm going to be patient. Meanwhile, the therapist gives us the info for a sex therapist and highly encourages us to make an appointment, which I do right away. We see the sex therapist that weekend, and I'm still in the guest bedroom and nowhere near ready to have sex, but the therapist encourages me to move forward with the prompts/homework for sex for that week. I go back into our bedroom that night (just for sleep) and we follow the prompts the following night and have what is without a close second the best sex we have had ever. Seriously, over 2 decades, and it was the most satisfying sexual experience I have ever had. I was walking on a cloud for days.
That bubble popped the following week. We were still going to see the couples therapist twice a week, his individual therapy appointment was next week, and we had another appointment with the sex therapist the next month. Not much has changed in the day to day but again, I'm being patient. My husband actually initiates sex one night, and as we are getting into it, he says, "Can we go back to regular sex now?" Because for him, "regular" sex where he gets off and I don't was just peachy. I start to cry, and now he's holding me and I swear he's almost relieved to be off the hook and not have to have sex at all. Middle child wanted to go to a concert that was out of town and asked if I'd dogsit the new puppy, so instead of just going over there for a few hours a day like I'd been planning, I packed a bag and ended up spending almost a week there and let middle child have some more time on vacation. Husband texted, called, and showed up every day but I wouldn't talk to him or let him in, and only saw him at therapy sessions. The therapy sessions end up being a waste of time, with my husband half admitting that he has unaddressed problems, but not really willing to change any behaviors. The therapist was super patient but I could feel an undercurrent of exasperation, like...what is it you people are trying to save? Husband is a stew of repression, insecurity, health issues, Madonna-Whore complexes, and unaddressed childhood trauma. He's so averse to confrontation that he would literally buy his way out of a difficult conversation if given the choice. Nothing will change as long as he's unwilling to work on that.
I move back in, and I even move back into the bedroom. Husband ended up skipping individual therapy because "Isn't two sessions a week enough?" Didn't even cancel, he just didn't go. Went back once to the sex therapist, but with a borderline catatonic look on his face and didn't say or do much the entire time other than nod. I've been back at home, going through the motions of life. Husband initiates sex constantly and I go along with it, but have only gotten off twice in about 12 or 15 times (and I am no longer faking it). Husband is so happy because as far as he's concerned, everything is fine even when I tell him it's not. I know the right thing to do is to just divorce, but I feel so messed up in the head that I just want to throw a proverbial grenade into my life and like cheat by bringing a guy home or something. That's it. No happy ending (no pun intended), no unhappy unending. Just limbo.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Usual-Archer-916

If I were you I would come right out and ask him why he didn't give a damn about your pleasure. And make him actually answer the question.

OOP

This was something raised during therapy. According to him, he’s insecure about disappointing me because I’m so fucking precious that he doesn’t even want to try and be a let down. Like - no sexual experience is good enough for me. I wish I was making that up, but it’s almost verbatim his answer.

~
GroundbreakingWing48

First and foremost change every password to every device. Turn off Find My access to him. Turn on two factor authentication and change your Apple ID password. Finally, do a factory reset on your phone and tablet (if you have one) and re-set it up manually.
Shut down the stalking/invasion of privacy immediately. Do NOT wait until you file for divorce.

OOP

Will it make any difference though? I honestly don’t know if I care if he sees anything. I have been journaling for years and transitioned to typed journals many years ago, and I found out he’s been reading them. I don’t think there’s a corner of my life and brain that he hasn’t been in. It feels too late and too unimportant to care.

OOP when told she shouldn't vent to the kids

I never vent to my kids. They’ve heard nothing from me other than “I just need a little space, ok with you if I hang here?” Middle child and my husband got into it mostly because of the constant surveillance, which husband does with two of the three kids also (and probably would for the third given the chance).

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Cassie-One8744
Originally posted to Marriage
My (33F) husband (34M) fell in love with another woman and wants to try polyamory
Trigger Warning: infidelity, verbal abuse, manipulation
Original Post: April 7, 2024
Hi. I've been married to my hubby for 4 years and we've been together for 12 years. After lot of financial struggle, we bought a house and we are now planning to get kids.
Thing is a few months ago, my husband fell sick and had to stay home for a while. He decided to pick up an online game and started having weekly sessions with a group of players. Among them is a girl (30? I think) and long story short, he fell in love with her.
He broke down crying a month ago and admitted it. He told me it built up so gradually he didn't understand how he felt until it was 'too late'. They started texting privately after meeting and eventually had one on one calls together. Then at some point, he said, she told him she was in love with him and he realized it was mutual. He said he told her it was impossible but loved her too. They tried to be just friends but they "couldn't resist" and continued to show affection for each other (he showed me the texts) but also venture into sexting. She asked if she could meet him face to face but he refused.
So he told me all of this, apologized over and over again and told me he couldn't control himself and while he loved us both, it was me he would choose no matter what. I was still very upset and slept at a friend's that night to gather my thoughts.
I decided to forgive him because he clearly felt guilt and wanted to work it out. I told him that while I was deeply hurt, I still appreciated him coming forward to me and being honest about what happened. We got into long conversations about how we were feeling in our relationship… I accepted he could love someone else but said I didn't like how he handled it. He agreed. And then yesterday he asked if I was comfortable opening up the marriage to polyamory. He said he still wanted to live with me and have kids but can't erase nor ignore the feelings he has for her.
He says he wants to do it right and let us both see other people, with clear boundaries and communication and still be present for one another. I'm gonna be honest, it made me very uncomfortable at first. We have several friends who are poly, I know more or less how it works… But I never really thought about getting into it myself. I am not against, it just never crossed my mind before. I am trying to think it through but it's a lot to take in.
Sorry my writing is probably messy but it's kind of hard to focus. I guess it's too early to decide and we have a lot more to discuss beforehand, but still…
Could you guys give me your opinions on this?
Thanks a lot
Top Comments
Commenter 1: I'd be divorcing so fast.
DogOfTheBone: So he cheated and now wants to be able to keep cheating by calling it poly, lol. Come on.
Do not have kids with this man for the love of God and if you have any self respect you'll be serving him divorce papers soon as possible. Sorry your husband is a cheating ass.
swampcatz: You got married under the assumption you would remain monogamous. He is trying to fundamentally change the nature of your relationship. If I were you, I would drop any attempts at conceiving and figure out your next steps. Personally, I would not stay with someone who desired an open relationship. You need to decide if it’s something you’re willing to entertain or not.
 
Update: April 25, 2024
Hey guys,
Original post here.
First off, sorry I didn’t reply to all your comments. I am very thankful for them; they helped me realize hard (but fair) truths about the whole situation. I waited for a bit to think about it all and had multiple long discussions with my husband. I wanted to confront him before making a final decision.
To answer some of your questions: the other girl wanted to meet him, but they never did. Partly because my husband refused, but honestly, mostly because she lives too far from here. I still got checked for STDs, though, and I'm clean (yay!). As for our polyamory friends, they apparently were the ones who suggested him to go down the polyamory road. I stopped talking to them for now; I'll deal with the bigger problem first.
I told him his actions hurt me deeply and that while I appreciated him admitting his affair, it was still infidelity. I told him what you guys said: that turning it into polyamory was merely greenlighting the affair after the fact. That polyamory should be built on mutual trust and communication, which he already broke. That I didn't feel respected.
It destroyed him. He said he already knew, deep down, but didn’t want to admit it, neither to me nor to himself.
We both screamed and cried a lot.
He finally admitted he wanted to open the marriage for selfish reasons. He is very sorry. He cut off contact with the other girl, let me fully access his computer and phone, and now wants to go to counseling to repair our relationship and marriage. He is showing me a lot of affection and attention since then, although he admits himself it's sometimes out of guilt and not just out of pure love.
And now I want to make it work too, but… Am I? Or is it sunk cost fallacy? I don't know. Our first session is in two months (the earliest we could get), and every day I change my mind. Literally yesterday I wanted to leave him, while today I think it's worth giving it a try.
Because we've known each other for so long, we understand each other on a very deep level, share a lot of interests, and have already built so much together. He was there for me during hard parts of my life. He took responsability for his actions and is really trying. Plus, if I leave him, I'd have to start my life nearly from scratch: find a new place to live, go back into dating for the first time in 12 years… I don't want to lose everything… It sounds very hard and scary. Am I not too old for this?
But at the same time, that's a form of denial, isn't it? It doesn't matter if those years were good; it's not going to be the same. Even if he gains my trust back, even if I forgive him, I'll never forget. I think he is genuinely remorseful, but isn't it too late for that? I am too empathetic, him being present now doesn't erase what was done. Do I want to stay not because I still believe in this relationship, but because don't have the strength to ask for a divorce? Because it's the easy choice, some kind of co-dependency?
I have no idea. I can picture both paths clearly, and it's tearing me apart. I am lost, maybe even more than I was when I wrote my previous post. I've lost sleep and appetite, and I'm not sure I enjoy anything in my life anymore. I booked an appointment with a psychologist, for me alone, to help with this whole thing.
I am sorry; at this point, I am rambling. I know I am the only one who can decide what's okay and comfortable for me or not. It's ultimately my choice and my choice only. The emotional hell I am going through just makes thinking about that choice very hard and paralyzing. I'll go to both therapies and try to see what to do from here.
I'll try to update, but it's probably going to take a while. I am sorry. I want to thank you again for your support, and I am sending you guys a lot of love.
EDIT : a couple of infos I should have mentioned but didn't because putting all of that into writing without omitting something is much harder than I thought.
He cut off contact with her because once he told him he was married and wanted us both, she just ran away and broke up with him. There are times since then where my husband starts feeling sad or angry because of what's basically withdrawal. And for that he's smart least sensible enough not to blame me.
What kind of marriage did we had before this crisis? It will sound so naive… It's my first and only romantic relationship, we were very close and basically grew as adults together. We could talk about anything and understand each other. We shared the same values and interests. What changed… I think… Is that we got into a routine and he got bored.
During our argument he said he was addicted to the attention the girl was giving him and that he felt I didn't show him I was in love with him enough anymore. I told him that even if it was true, he should have told me instead of having an affair. On one hand I have my faults too and I could accept this as one of them, on the other I was taking care of him and the house while he was sick. I don't think he believes it, I don't think he means it. But it makes me wonder whether I was actually a good wife for him. Even though I am not responsible for his actions.
Thanks again for your support y'all. It's a lot, A LOT, to process but it helps me. So much.
Relevant Comments
OOP on if she and her husband have kids and plans on getting counseling

OOP: Kids are off the table. If we do go into counseling, and it goes exceptionally well, maybe we'll talk about it. But for now, the distrust is already there. He says "I love you" but I never know whether it's to regain my trust, whether he means it or not. Even if he does, does he love me or is it a lie he tells himself?

DogOfTheBone: If you choose to stay, don't be surprised if in a year you find him talking to someone again. Cheaters are sneaky. They'll show remorse and swear they've changed. Meanwhile they're smirking inside because they've started a new affair and think they can get away with it this time.

OOP: Thank you. It's obvious and well known. "Once a cheater, always a cheater"… but reading it helps me fight denial. I really need to break up with him. If not for myself, just to show him that actions have consequences.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Free_River_3388
Originally posted to TrueOffMyChest
Previous BoRU
NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----
[New Update]: I had a baby as a result of an affair and now his wife is reaching out to me
Trigger Warnings: infidelity, past abuse, mention of abortion, deadbeat father, coercion, manipulation
RECAP
Original Post: January 28, 2023
I (F, 26) had an affair with a married man (M, 42) a few years ago. I had no clue he was married when we first met and hooked up. I obviously looked him up on social media and while he did have photos of his kids on there, there was absolutely no mention or photos of a wife at all. I found out that he was married about a month after we first got together, but he told me it was just a marriage on paper and that they basically lived separate lives and agreed to remain married for practical purposes until the kids were older. They owned a business, which she really ran and he was just financially involved in.
I knew at the time that I probably shouldn’t believe him, but I convinced myself it was true. I was in my early 20s and so attracted to him and I guess almost infatuated with him. He made me feel so good. I know now that I should have ended it immediately, but I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. I was addicted to all of the attention he gave me, the great sex, the places he’d take me. I felt special. I was so naive.
I got pregnant about a year into seeing him. I had always been so careful with preventing pregnancy, but during my relationship with him I took stupid risks. I was so high in lust with this guy, it’s embarrassing. The things he’d asked me to do…I’d say yes to almost anything, even when I knew it was a bad idea.
I was in love with him, or I thought I was. I hadn’t intentionally wanted to get pregnant. I would of course dream about being his wife and having a family but I knew that wouldn’t be a possibility while he had this arrangement with his actual wife. I didn’t get pregnant on purpose with any intention of him leaving her for me, even if I wished that we could be a real, normal couple. I was surprised by how excited I was to be pregnant with his baby. I wanted that baby once I found out I was pregnant. The thought of carrying this baby of the man I loved was so special to me, but I knew he probably wouldn’t feel the same.
I told him I was pregnant and he told me I couldn’t keep the baby. I expected his reaction, but I was devastated and it hurt me to my core that he didn’t feel the same way I did. He offered to pay, to make a whole weekend of it somewhere exciting (wtf?) and to buy me something special if I’d just please get rid of the baby. He explained that he didn’t want any more kids and that he couldn’t openly be a father to another kid when he and his wife were still pretending to be happily married to the outside world.
I agreed to do what he wanted and we made plans for him to pick me up and find somewhere out of town to go get it done. I was all packed the night he was going to pick me up, but I started to feel really scared and really unsafe about the whole thing. I took my bag and checked myself into a hotel to hide because I couldn’t go with him. I texted him to say I promised to never contact him again and to never name him as the father or go after child support if he’d promise to leave me alone.
At first he tried to sweet talk me into doing what he wanted. When I didn’t cave in, he said some very nasty things to me and that I essentially better never contact him again or show up at his door.
I have a 2 year old now. At times, it’s been difficult, but overall we are thriving as best we can. I have kept my word about not naming his as the father or requesting child support.
His wife contacted me on social media. Well, she’s his ex-wife now. She wants to talk to me. She found out about me and told me that she divorced him 6 months ago. She wants her children to know their sibling and for my child to know his siblings. That’s weird to me.
I haven’t responded back to her yet. I am unsure about how to approach this. How to I respond to this? I wonder if I’m being selfish by not exploring an option for my child to know his siblings, if she’s being genuine about that. If I was married and my husband fathered a child outside of our marriage I don’t think I’d feel the same that she does.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Comment 1

I didn’t know he was married when we first got together. I acknowledged that I should have ended the relationship as soon as I found out he was married. I allowed myself to believe what he told me, which made it seem not so bad - like this was some sort of agreement he and his wife had. Emotionally, I was already hooked. I’m not making excuses.
I wouldn’t say I was “happy” to bring a baby into this situation. There was a huge mix of emotions. I felt like I was in love with him, so there was a part of me that was excited at first. That feeling soon died, but I felt that I loved my baby still. I tried to do the best thing that I could, which was to remove myself from his life and his family’s life. I just wanted to be able to keep my baby and love my baby. I did not get pregnant on purpose. I wasn’t on birth control. I had been on birth control when I was slightly younger and had a life threatening health complications as a result. He knew I wasn’t on birth control. He loved unprotected sex. I was stupid and I agreed to do it. I would do almost anything he asked sexually. I tried to track my cycle and would tell him when it was probably not a safe time to do it.
His wife isn’t really what I’m afraid of. Whatever she’d want to say to me is probably deserved anyway, and more.

Comment 2

He found out about the pregnancy before I “ghosted” him. And upon finding out I was pregnant with his child, there was absolutely no real discussion about what we were going to do. We were going to do what he wanted to do and he had it all planned out. He threatened me, by text and by phone calls and voicemails, when I told him I was not going to go with him on this abortion vacation he had planned. I begged him to please not force me to do that and he turned mean. I offered to never contact him again if he’d just let me go. After threatening me again, about what he’d do if I didn’t keep my word, he agreed. He has kept his side of the bargain and has never contacted me.

Comment 3

I’ve been assuming that she found out about me in her own, maybe saw something on his phone or computer and has probably known for a while before reaching out to me (if it’s actually her).
I get what some people are saying about siblings and such, but that man is not my child’s dad. He is the dad of his older kids but he’s not the dad of my kid. I’m still young and I hope to have more children one day, and those children would be my son’s siblings. I hope to find a man who loves me and my son and with whom I can have a legitimate relationship. I haven’t been with another man since I ended things with this guy. I actually just went on 2 dates for the first time very recently. I’m not desperate to find a man right now, but I hope to find real love one day.
Those people are not my son’s family. He’s 2 and they’re old enough to drive. So, I do t think they’re missing out on any sort of important relationship right now. I understand wanting to know your bio family, and I feel he can decide that later on when he’s old enough to have a day. Depending on where we are at in our lives at the time, he might not feel a need to know those people.
I don’t plan to lie to my son about his conception, but I don’t think we need to involve ourselves with the man’s ex-wife and teenage children at this time.

 
Update: February 18, 2024
I made a post 3 weeks ago and things have only gotten stranger. I had an affair with a married man a few years ago. I regret it and I will never do anything like that ever again. I knew it was wrong from the very beginning, but he captivated me. I was naive. I allowed myself to believe when he told me they were pretty much just married on paper for the sake of their kids. I got pregnant and while he tried to talk me into getting an abortion I ultimately decided to keep the baby. I have a 2 year old little boy now. I promised this man that I wouldn’t expose our affair and I wouldn’t formally identify him as the father or request child support. I did that because he was becoming very nasty about the whole thing and I felt like due to the mess that I had created and the way I felt by the end of it, a clean break with no involvement with him would be the best thing for everyone. I moved back to where my family is, hundreds of miles from where he and his family live.
About a month ago his ex-wife reached out to me via social media, claiming they had been divorced for 6 months and that she wanted our children to be able to know each other. Now, their kids are teenagers, so I didn’t really think they’d want anything to do with the toddler and the woman their father was having an affair with. It seemed odd to me. After posting here, I sort of decided that I wouldn’t respond to her. I’d just ignore it. She just sent me the one message, so it wasn’t as if she was badgering me about talking to me or meeting me.
On Friday night I decided to message her. I don’t really know why. I think it was really just for my sake so I could have the chance to apologize to her. I told her that I would be more comfortable speaking with her face to face since I couldn’t trust that it was really her. She said she understood. I was too nervous to meet her in person, but we did a video chat. I didn’t know what to expect, if this was all a ploy just to unleash her fury on me or what. I mean, I’d deserve that. She wouldn’t be wrong to feel that way.
It was really her. She told me she discovered our affair when she found communications between the two of us, after our relationship had ended. She told me I’m one of many women he had affairs with over the years and she knew about somebody even before he met me, but she didn’t divorce him at the time. Finding out about my child was the final straw for her. I told her I was sorry for my relationship with her husband and admitted that I knew he was married. She graciously told me she forgives me and that while she harbored a lot of anger towards me initially, she ultimately blames her husband. I’m not blameless, but she chooses to not hate me, essentially. She said she couldn’t have said this 6 months ago or a year ago when she first found out about me, but she has moved past that. She still has anger toward him, in addition to many other emotions surrounding him. She started pouring out her heart to me about their 20+ year marriage and life together and it was very awkward because what do I even say?
Her kids know about me and my son. She says they’re very mad at their father. Somehow I don’t think they’re mad about the fact that he’s not involved with my son’s life. And why would they be mad about that? I would hate me if I were them.
I told her with my son being so little right now, I don’t really feel comfortable with him meeting her kids or being involved with their family. I feel unsure about it and it’s just not something I feel needs to happen right now.
Then she told me her ex husband was in a bad accident 2 months ago. He’s fine now, still not allowed to return to all his normal activities just yet, but will be fine. He is probably the most physically active person I’ve ever met, barely ever seems to sit down, so he must be terribly annoying to be around if he’s not allowed to go go go all the time. She told me he wants to meet my son. Apparently she moved back in with him temporarily when he first came home from the hospital. She said the accident really shook him up and he has been expressing a lot of regret about my son, not being involved, not providing for him.
So now it’s like was everything she said just a lie and he somehow got her to reach out to me on his behalf? And she actually did it? It felt almost like a relief talking to her initially, but then it’s like was any of that true or you were just trying to be his messenger? I don’t even know if that part is true now. Why wouldn’t he just contact me himself?
I’m just feeling so uneasy about the whole thing now.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Comment 1

I don’t believe I HAVE to involve his teenage children in my son’s life. Maybe when my son is old enough to decide if he wants that.
He is not named on the birth certificate and I do not receive child support from him. I have asked nothing of him, except to let me move away and not try to force me to have an abortion. I basically had to promise him to not contact him, not make him as the father, not request child support.
If he truly wants involvement with my son he can reach out to my directly and he can take the legal route to establish himself as our son’s father.

Comment 2

He did not legally sever his rights. He never established rights in the first place. He has no rights until he goes to court and establishes himself as the father. He is welcome to do that.
Honestly, I wish my son did have a father who was involved in his life and loved him. Yes, this guy has faults, but he has plenty of positive qualities. He is really involved with his older children. I met them many times because they’d be at work with him or he’d have to drop by the office in his way to take them somewhere. He was always doing things with them. They seemed like good kids who really loved their dad. I wish my son could have that experience too. I didn’t think it was an option based on how he behaved when I was pregnant. He wasn’t interested and wanted me and our baby to go away. That’s what I did. And I accepted it.

Comment 3

He is not legally my son’s father at this time. This means that currently he has no legal parental rights or responsibilities regarding my son. I cannot stop him from taking the legal steps to establish paternity if he wishes to do so.
He will always be my son’s biological father. I can’t change that fact. Regardless of whether or not he ever legally establishes paternity, my son will likely be curious about his biological father and who knows, maybe they will establish a relationship one day regardless of legal paternity.
There is no way to say if I will meet a man who may want to adopt my son one day, thus becoming his legal father. It’s something that I think would be nice, but nothing that I’m “intent” on doing. By choice, I’ve only been one 2 dates since my son was born and that was only within the year 2024. I realize that it will not be as simple as signing a piece of paper.

 

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2 - April 30, 2024 (2 months later)
I posted about this few months ago.
To summarize very quickly, when I was fresh out of college I had an affair with a married man and father. I became pregnant. He wanted me to get an abortion. He had arranged to “take me away” in a “vacation” to get an abortion. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do but I agreed to go along with what we wanted. At the last minute, when he was on his way to come pick me up, I told him I couldn’t go through with the abortion. I just really didn’t feel comfortable about his plan and how he was orchestrating everything. It scared me. I realized at that time how deep I had gone with this mistake, how screwed up the whole relationship was.
He was really mad. He threatened me, said a lot of nasty things to me. I told him if he just left me alone and let me have my baby then I’d leave him alone and wouldn’t name him as the father or seek child support. I moved back home (I was living in a different state when I met him). I kept my word and I did t it name him as the father or seek to establish paternity. I have never sought child support. My child is 2 now.
A few months ago his wife contacted me via social media. At first she made it seem like she wanted my child to have the opportunity to know his siblings. It was sort of weird since the siblings are teenagers. She said she had divorced him 6 months prior.
I agreed to talk to her virtually, not in person. I felt that I owed it to her to apologize for what I had done. I do feel bad about it. But at the end of the conversation I told her that I didn’t feel it was the appropriate time to connect my son with her kids. He’s a toddler and their teens, plus I had promised her husband to stay out of his life. That’s when she told me that he was recently in a bad accident and she had been helping to take care of him. Supposedly he was going to be fine and was fairly recovered at that point, but she said he had expressed interest to meet our child. So she was basically his messenger.
I have not been in contact with her since then. I deleted my social media. I don’t know why, but the whole thing just really made me uncomfortable.
Since I last posted here….
Then, I received a handwritten letter from him. In it, he expressed how he wanted to get to know our son, he wants to be a father to our son, he wants to provide financially for him, he’d like us to come visit him. He asked me to sign a paternity affidavit. I refused to do so. I know he is my son’s father but I’m not going to make this that easy for him. After the things he said to me and threatened me with, he at least has to work for this.
At that point, my parents felt that we needed to meet with a lawyer. All communication from me has gone through a lawyer. I have never responded to him personally/directly.
Now, I have a court order for paternity. I have to present my son to have a specimen taken tomorrow. I already know what it’s going to say.
It’s not that I don’t want my son to have a dad in his life. It’s just…the whole situation is a mess. And he lives a few states away from me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t really do anything. He’s doing things legally. Next, I’m sure he’ll petition for some form of custody or visitation. He’s not married anymore, supposedly, but he’s a lot more established than I am. He has considerably more financial resources. I also know he has all sorts of connections where he lives. Luckily they don’t hold as much weight here in my state but it’s still so scary to me.
I’m a bad mom. I brought my son into this world knowing it was a messy situation. I just got so comfortable with it just being the 2 of us and now I don’t want to give that up.
Relevant Comments
OOP on if the father would be moving closer to her and her son now that he’s divorced from his ex-wife

OOP: To touch on just a few things…
I don’t think he’ll move away from where he lives. He has way too much established there.
He’s in his early 40s. I don’t know how this supposed accident (if that even really happened) has affected him, but he was incredibly physically active when I knew him. He only slept like 4 hours a night, took a 20 minute power nap daily, and rarely ever sat down. He was also HIGHLY involved in his children’s lives. I’d even say overprotective, like a helicopter dad instead of the typical helicopter mom.

Careless_Welder_4048: How did he have time to cheat?

OOP: He only slept a few hours a night and moved at about a million miles a minute. Everyone joked about it. Somehow he always had time to get up at 5 am, go surfing, do some work, take his kids to school, do some work, take his Power Nap, get coffee, pick his kids up after school and take them wakeboarding or some other sort of thing like that, do some more work, be at his kid’s basketball game, and so on and so forth. He literally never ever stopped.
I was just another thing to help fill out his calendar to prevent him from getting bored.

OOP on the father’s relationship with his ex-wife and their children

OOP: I also don’t think he and his wife had much of a relationship, although it wasn’t quite as he described it to me. They lived in the same house but I believe they lived pretty separate lives. He bought her a business to give her something to do and keep her busy. She was there most of the time. They didn’t even go to their kids activities together. He was always the one going. So I think that freed up time too. I don’t think they liked being around each other so she was happy to have him out of the house. She admitted to me that I wasn’t the first affair he had and she knew about most of the time we were together.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Hello everyone,
I apologize for the long post, but I'll try to keep it as concise as possible. I am (22M) urgently seeking help and insights regarding my escalating health issues. I've never felt so desperate; it feels like I'm on the brink of losing it. Since October 2022, I've been experiencing an overwhelming list of symptoms that continuously worsen. I've been diagnosed with Methane SIBO (38 ppm) through the Trio Smart Breath test. Despite trying numerous approaches—such as various herbal protocols, taking probiotics, adjusting my sleep schedule, quitting smoking, eliminating carbs and alcohol, starting acupuncture, and experimenting with carnivore and keto diets—nothing seems to work. Despite these dietary and lifestyle changes, I still feel terrible and it doesn't even feel like I'm moving in the right direction.
Additional symptoms include:

• Brown/Red biofilms? Around stool. (Since January 2023)
• Severe brain fog (If I have 2 hours a day no brain fog i'm happy)
• Insomnia
• Constant fatigue!!!!
• Hair loss (200-300 hair a day/ losing hair from legs,head,arms,everywhere)
• Tingling and numbness in feet, hands, legs, and body
• Shortness of breath
• Photophobia: Bright light causes eye pain and redness
• Anxiety and depression (I live my life around my sickness)
• Muscle spasms throughout my body
• Visual disturbances: Seeing random flashes of color and quickly fading colors
• Difficulty concentrating and challenges with thinking and reasoning
• Physical weakness and light-headedness when sitting
• Chest pain and palpitations
• Mucus in the throat
• Increased susceptibility to illness
• Irritability and mood swings
• Feeling of being lost
• Stress intolerance: Neurological symptoms exacerbate with stress

Here’s a quick timeline of events that may have influenced my current health:

• June 2022: Trip to Thailand; possible food poisoning.
• June 2022: Contracted COVID-19.
• August 2022: Antibiotics for strep throat (tested positive for strep).
• November 2022: Antibiotics for bronchitis (doctor suspected based on symptoms).
• January 2023: Stronger antibiotics for persistent bronchitis (doctor suspected a significant infection).
• March 2023: Vermox treatment (doctors suspected worms from Thailand visit).

Diagnostic Tests I've Undergone:

• Colonoscopy: Everything normal
• Endoscopy: Everything normal
• Stool Tests: Including GI-MAP and others
• Trio Smart Breath Test: Positive for Methane SIBO (38 ppm)
• Spectracell Nutrient Testing
• A Lot of Blood Tests: Everything normal
• Calprotectin Test: Result of 286 µg/g
• Radiography of Lungs (2022): Everything normal
• Sinus Scan: Everything normal
• ECG

Protocols Tried:

• Intermittent fasting
• Keto diet
• Prokinetics for moving MMC
• ADP Oregano + Allicin or ADP Oregano + Atrantil
• Canxida Remove protocol by Eric Bakker
• Triphala for bowel movement
• Currently taking: Biofilm Phase-2 Advanced.
• Coconut KefiCelery Juice/Probiotics

Current Situation:
My journey continues to be fraught with confusion and setbacks. The only solution my doctor offered was to avoid doing the dishes after eating for my reflux and to take antidepressants, classic... I've been prescribed 50mg of sertraline daily. I'm taking the SSRI mainly because I'm tired of hearing 'anxiety' mentioned by every doctor. While the medication makes me calmer and less stressed, my physical condition remains unchanged.
Recently, I took steps to see a gastroenterologist, believing that a specialist might better understand my condition. Unfortunately, the wait times in Canada's healthcare system meant an 18-month delay, prompting me to seek private care. Even privately, I faced a two-month wait. I finally met with a gastroenterologist today in Montreal, only to feel more lost than before. He dismissed the Trio Smart Breath test I took for SIBO as irrelevant and labeled the GI-MAP not usable, contradicting previous medical advice I had received. Furthermore, he diagnosed me with Giardia Lamblia, despite my tests for parasitic pathogens coming back negative, and recommended a 10-day course of Flagyl/Metronidazole (500mg three times daily). Initially, I was hopeful that my SIBO diagnosis would lead to the common treatment protocol of Rifaximin and Neomycin for 14 days, but now he tells me it's not SIBO? This new recommendation is particularly concerning because my first doctor back in 2022 prescribed two antibiotics and Vermox for conditions that turned out to be misdiagnosed, which did nothing but harm my microbiome. I'm hesitant to take Flagyl, knowing it could further damage an already compromised system. What should I do? I mean, I really feel bad; what can it be?
​
I've been noticing a decline in my health every day, and unfortunately, there's been no sign of improvement. It's becoming increasingly unsustainable to live with these debilitating symptoms. I'm considering using up all my savings to seek further medical opinions in the U.S. because healthcare in Canada feels inadequate and delayed. I'm desperate for advice: I need help understanding my GI-MAP results. Additionally, I'm unsure whether it's a good idea to go to the U.S., return to Thailand, find another GI across Canada, or undergo more tests. I've already tried numerous treatments, but nothing seems to work.
Could anyone kindly offer their insights into my GI-MAP results? I'm wondering if there might be something that the doctor hasn't picked up on. Any additional perspectives or interpretations would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your help and understanding.
Test results link : https://imgur.com/a/JL2E8LN

It had been six years since I last saw Joseph. He left with a knapsack and a dusty set of shoes, some torn trousers and a wry smile. I remember saying to him, “so long, old fellow.” “Until we meet again,” he had said back. Well, today, I saw him coming down the mountain. I don’t know how he got up there; the last time I saw him walking away, he was headed in the opposite direction. But I cast aside that puzzlement and with joy, went on to meet him. 

And so we went on, down by the apple orchard around Brooke’s Lane, the dirt road down past the bend, and we plucked a few red ones and sat in the grass, ate and talked. He had gone up, past the Elven land where the brightness of the dawn was so clear that the morning shone as if a diamond lay in the heavens. And he had gone past that land, beyond to the realm of Goldor-Nu’um, where he had met a princess of sorts. One with a penchant for bestowing wishes, or so he said, with a wry smile. He had met her in a similar orchard as the very one we were I, he said, only that one was filled with magical spiders. The kind that wove nets around the fruit to shade them from the sun. And that fruit was so poisonous that it could kill you immediately if you ate it. She was there because her betrothed was sick after having eaten some of that fruit, and she was in the process of healing him. But she was missing an ingredient, so she sent for Joseph to head down South for a branch of a particular sort, whose joints were supposed to have a sort of resin in them that would be a cure for her betrothed. So he went. Halfway there he encountered a lion, who stood in his path and asked him a riddle. The lion asked, “how many days lie between the first day and the last, if a man knows who he is?” And Joseph answered: one. The entire life is one day, and all things that happen between that day and this last one are transmutations of the emotional principle invested in his experience of birth.” And the lion turned into a giant butterfly and wavered up and over the breeze, to some far off canyon. Then Joseph had to cross a river, but there was no causeway. So he simply waded into the current and got deeper and deeper into the water, until his neck and head were the only things protruding. But as he lost his footing, there in the middle of the river, an Eagle swooped down and lifted him out of the water with its talons, and deposited him safely on the other shore. “Why did you save me?” asked Joseph. Because you would have done the same, said Torah, the Eagle. “That is true,” replied Joseph. And he pulled himself to his feet and looked around him. To his surprise, he was before the branch that had the necessary sap. So he plucked it from the bough, but the tree objected. Immediately, roots sprung up from the ground, and ensured his feet. “Why do you take of my serum?” inquired the Bansai tree. “Because the princess in the far grove needs it to heal her betrothed, and I have traveled far to get it.” “Who are you to her?” the tree inquired further. “Nobody, just a chance acquaintance.” “Interesting. So you would not have known her had you not endeavored on your quest?” “That is correct.” “Then go, take of my branch and my sap, and let this remind you of what a good deed does, in time.” So Joseph took the branch, and immediately the sap stuck to his skin and he fell into a deep sleep, and forgot everything about his quest. When he awake, it was midnight, and the Night sky and all that glimmered there shone down upon him. And he knew not where he was, nor where he was going. Not how he had gotten there, nor what his purpose was. And he let his mind wander through the Nighttime, until the Eastern sky began to grey. When the morning zephyrs began to stir, he felt the branch beneath his back, for he was lying on the ground. And he gradually remembered his quest. He was struck with the immediacy of the need to get back, and he began to shuffle through that glade, on toward the sun. And to his surprise, the sun had risen at the exact moment he broke free of that glade, and turned back onto a dirt path. And there, shortly down the road, was the orchard with the princess and the poisonous spiders, and there was the Eagle and the Lion. And there on the ground, was the betrothed. His breaths rose and fell with quiet strength, but the princess turned from him and with exhasperated delight plucked the branch from Joseph’s hands. And she snapped it open in two and dabbed the sap onto the closed eyelids of the man who lay at her feet, and he woke. With each piece of twig on either side of him, he rolled onto his side and coughed up a fish. The fish, surprisingly, was alive itself, but upon touching the ground it immediately turned into water and sunk into the ground, where a lily grew. The man plucked the lily and handed it to the Princess, who turned to Joseph and put it in his hand. Joseph looked down at the lily and smiled, but knew not why. With a deep breath of his own, he put it into his lapel, and one of the petals fell off. Then the princess said, “because you have been brave, your reward is that every petal that falls from the head of that lily will grant you one wish. You may wish now for the petal that has fallen.” And Joseph, with surprise, looked up at the daytime moon, there in the pale evening sky and said in a thoughtful murmur, “I wish that I had been here earlier, so that I could have helped sooner.” And immediately he found himself at the edge of the orchard, with the Princess in sight, and remembered everything. Not knowing precisely what had happened, he nonetheless walked toward the Princess and completed the same conversation. Left on his quest, and each time, more expediently completed his task. From the orchard, to the Lion, to the river and the Eagle, to the Tree, he repeated his actions. The only difference being that the betrothed grew younger each time, and Joseph grew older. He had found a purpose in saving the betrothed for the Princess, but he never knew who they were, until one day, if it can be called such, he met the Princess and instead of wishing for the opportunity to save her betrothed sooner, he asked to know who the Princess was. And she said, “I am your daughter.” “Not your actual daughter but the one you have created. I am the center of all that you know, and all that you do, and all that you have wrought in and of yourself. By saving my marriage, you have secured your future. But you had to learn this fact by doing these things.” “My betrothed is my future, and this man is you, who you saved by saving me.” “Now you have your life. The first part of it was realizing why you are here. You have done that in knowing me. The second part is doing what you can do, secure in the knowledge that you are the cause of your own life. All things begin and end with you, which you knew when you answered the Lion’s riddle. But you had to experience it, beyond knowing it. All things are their own consummation. Now go, and know yourself in your doings for the rest of your days.” So then Joseph left the Princess and her betrothed, the fish which was coughed up being the almost-death Joseph had suffered in the river had he not been saved by the Eagle. The Eagle was the embodiment of the self-saving principle that reciprocated his deliverance of the betrothed. And Joseph walked down the mountain, where he found himself, and saw me there, sitting by the stream, casting nuts and stones into the water. He saw me and he knew six years had gone by, judging by his worn palms and the days that had passed. In his knapsack was a bushel of tried lilies, and in his eyes was the gleam of wisdom. 

And there in the fire which swallowed the lily petals a wreath of blue flame began to grow, and all the other fire was drawn to it and quenched within its circle. Until the house was gone, and the fire was gone, and all that was left there on the ground was the Princess, only I didn’t recognize her. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, and as I approached her I felt the grass and the ash crinkle beneath my feet. She was wearing a sooty, blue dress, and a petticoat of white lace. And her honey-colored hair was spread out before her. And as I stooped to get a better look at her face, she turned, and a fish came out of her mouth. She gasped for breath and sat upright, and she looked at me, and she cried out to me, “Jonah!” And I said, “Yes?” And she said, “Darling, I’ve been waiting all my life for you. Here in this house, and in a far glade, where death came upon you. You have been waiting just as long to see me. I know, I knew Joseph.” And I said, “Joseph, but of course! You’re the Princess he met!” “Yes, he rescued my beloved, and you are him!” “But how could that be? Your beloved was with you in glade. He ate the spider apples, and regained his life when Joseph brought the broken branch to you.” And she said, “”Yes, and you are that broken branch! This, is the broken branch. He was, too, the broken branch, and the sap was all this effort. The transmutation of the entire process. He gave his life for you, so that you could find me, and now your fates are exchanged. A perfect ransom, youth for old age, a single redemptive act of courage, spread across a life time. And for me.” And Jonah shifted uncomfortably. “Why you?” “Because I am yours. The perfect complement to your life’s work. I am between you and Joseph, and between that orchard where you shared your story and the one far away where he met me. He is that part of you that longs, and you are that part of him that sent him. You are both this man that you are, where before you lay on the ground having eaten the fruit of ignorance, kept in the dark by the web of spiders. It was through seeking me out, here in this house, and far beyond, where he traveled, that I waited for you to come to life. And now we have traded places as well. You saw the fish that came out of my mouth; that, too was you. 

1st Month, 276
Despite their manse being towards the Red Keep, Fishmonger’s square was still a favourite haunt of Lord Vaemond’s. He had been coming here since he was a child and held fond memories of walks with his mother, childish expeditions with Vaella, and lonely wanderings. He was taken by the peddlers, the strong smell of fish and seafood, and the performers. It was the latter of those that had brought him to the square today, but he was not an idle spectator. Today he was a buyer in the market.
There was a troupe that had become regulars in the past moons, and Vaemond had taken to watching one with keen interest. A boy that couldn’t be any older than ten, not the star of the show by any means but entertaining enough. More of a prop to be used by the jugglers and fire breathers more than anything, yet something about him stood out. It wasn’t just his expected agility and balance, though they would come in handy. When the others had their applause, gathered their coin, and left towards the nearest winesink, the boy languished behind for a few minutes. When the troupe would return the following days most would be clean - or clean enough - with bright clothes. The boy’s mottled garbs were in a perennial state of dilapidation, and the grime on his face grew by the day. Clear signs of an orphan.
One night after the performance the Lord of Claw Isle approached the boy.
“You, boy. You have time for a quick conversation?”
The boy balked at being approached, but a quick jangle of Vaemond’s sizable coin purse kept his feet from taking him into the night.
“Might do, m’Lord. What’s it about?”
“You’re an orphan, correct?” Vaemond asked, continuing with his questions. The boy faltered before nodding. “Hm. See my man over there?” He stepped to one side and pointed to Ser Urrel Carcin across the square, red armour shining despite the waning light. The boy nodded. “How many peaches is he holding?”
The boy gave a quizzical look to the Lord. “Scuse me, m’Lord?” Vaemond said nothing, and there was a sigh before the boy he squinted through the dark. “Four. He has three held up in his right hand, and one in his left dangling by his side.
“Good.” Vaemond turned back. “And what colour is my signet ring?” By now Vaemond had covered the ring with his thumb, but if the boy was like any of the King’s Landing urchins he’d have had his eyes on it since he was approached.
“Green, m’Lord.”
“Good. Good.” He nodded at Urrel who crossed the square to join them. “Would you like a hot meal? There is an inn nearby. The food is…passable.” A pair of brown eyes now shone up at him, to which he took as a yes. “Tell me,” he began as they started walking. “Do you know what a fool is?
The conversation had gone long into the night until the boy’s head began to sway through fatigue. The three of them had then made their way up the Hook to the Celtigar manse, with Urrel taking the boy in through the servant’s entrance rather than announcing their arrival to the house. Much had been revealed about the boy in the light and comfort of the inn. He’d been scooped up by the troop three years prior after his mother died of a pox, having never known his father. His wit was quick, as were his hands. His face was less impressive, having a misshapen nose from an accident when younger, as well as pock marks, cuts, scratches, and scars. The Lord of Claw Isle saw all of these as positive traits, though it was not explained why until later in the evening. His ridiculous mottled garb would not be needed going forward, save for the bells on his wrist and the bells on his shoes. Discussion and negotiations, brief as they were, had been concluded. The boy was a perfect fit.
Vaemond called on his daughter early the next morning as she was preparing for the day. Cyrella was running an ivory comb through her hair under the watchful eye of a serving girl who was pointing out missed patches as her father entered with the new fool beside him. Cyrella heard the jangling of bells, though the rest of the boy’s clothes were a plain grey - quite a departure from a usual jester’s outfit, but colour was not needed here.
“Cyrella, I need to speak to you.”
“Good morning to you as well father,” his daughter replied with a smile. Her father’s lack of cordiality was not unusual to her now.
“Good morning,” he replied as he took a seat in the corner of the room. The fool remained in the doorway. “I have someone I’d like you to meet. We have our own fool now. Peaches.”
The boy waved a jingling hand before remembering the girl’s lack of sight and wincing. A nod from Vaemond assured him the mistake was not a dire one. “Hello, m’lady Cyrella.”
“Hello Peaches,” Cyrella replied. “I’m afraid I won’t be able to appreciate your cartwheels much, but it is nice to meet you anyway.”
“He is not for your eyes, Cyrella. He is not even a fool, that is just his…official title.” Vaemond shifted in his seat, uncomfortable at the conversation that was to come. “He is to be your guide, your eyes, and your companion, when I’m not around.”
“Y-you’ll always be around, father. Don’t speak like that.”
“I don’t mean…” He sighed. “Peaches. Bethany. Leave us.” The pair shuffled off with some quiet goodbyes as Vaemond stood and walked to his daughter. “There will be times when I am unable to be by your side, Cyrella. When I am in meetings, or away from the city. When you are sent to ward-”
“What?” Cyrella’s shock was plain to see on her face. “I can’t be sent to ward father. I can’t.”
“I didn’t mean now, Cyrella. Perhaps in a few years.”
“Are you trying to get rid of me?” she asked, tearful. Vaemond’s heart broke at the sight of his daughter’s pain, and the thought that she might think so little of him that he would wish her gone.
“No, my sweet girl. Never. But it is normal for-”
“Normal?” Cyrella could barely get the word out, such was her distress. “But I’m not normal, father. I’m not normal!” At that she burst into fits of tears, and Vaemond quickly stepped towards her to cradle her head.
“No, you’re not,” he agreed quietly. “You are special, Cyrella. You are quick, intelligent beyond your years, brave, and kind. It would be remiss of me to let your blindness hold you back from the great things you can achieve. I will not always be by your side." A thumb gently wiped a tear from Cyrella's cheek. "Peaches can stay by you to be your eyes and you guide, as well as a friend." If Vaemond could be that person he would drop everything to do so, but it was not possible. He was a Lord working with the Master of Coin, and despite her blindness he was determined that Cyrella be sent to ward. It would give her the best chance, even if the thought of it pained them both...and perhaps her mother most of all.
He coughed away any emotion that threatened to break his voice and stood.
"Finish getting ready, Cyrella. We will spend the day together, you, Peaches, your mother and I. Anything you want." The concession brought a weak smile to the girl's lips and she wiped away the tears. His Lord's duties could wait. He would spend the day by his daughter's side, uncertain of how many they had left together and fearing the day the last one came.

Note: I originally meant to post this on the forum but I realized I ended up pretty much writing an essay plus I thought it would be better if I got feedback from other users before I made a suggestion to developers.
Hi all!
I've been using Anki for my Japanese studies and a few of my classes and have loved the customizability it offers. I have however had some issues with the relationship between decks and cards/notes that I wanted to bring up here to see if anyone else sees this as a problem and whether or not changes would be feasible and/or welcome.
TL;DR; Organizing digital flashcards is like organizing digital photos, and in both cases it makes sense to allow items to belong to multiple collections. Tags help but aren't a real substitute for a many-to-many relationship between cards and decks. Changing the relationship between cards and decks makes information more reusable and shareable.
To elaborate, let me start with an analogy. Like flashcards, digital photo storage is modeled after its analogue counterpart. A physical photo can only be stored in a single physical album so it's only natural that its digital equivalent has this same relationship. But of course, storage is only half the reason we use albums in the first place, and in the digital space the other half that is organization is probably the more important part.
Also, similar to Anki situations there are at least two partial solutions commonly employed to organizing photos without breaking the physical analogy.
The first is hierarchical organization which is fantastic if you happen to be cataloguing a taxonomy of single-specimen photos but less helpful when you're trying to sort family photos according to who all is in them.
The second is tags which make the crucial first step of breaking the strict one-to-many relationship between photos and albums (a single photo may have many tags and a single tag may be used by many photos) but still falls short when you are trying to organize something according to an extrinsic property rather than an intrinsic one. Sure, you could add "#myfavorite" to your tag list of ["#summer", "#ocean", "#20XX"], but unlike any of those things that tag is subject to change and probably isn't very helpful to anyone you might share it with precisely because it's a property of you, not the picture.
The solution taken by photo storage/organization apps like Google Photos and Apple Photos is to allow a single photo to belong to multiple albums, naturally representing the way a photo belongs to multiple logical sets, if perhaps at the cost of breaking the physical analogy.
Unlike photos however, where this sort of logical organization is "nice to have", I believe that with decks of flashcards this is really more "need to have".
For photos and flashcards alike if you don't care much about ontologies tags are perfectly helpful for finding things. For photos, being able to reliably find and view a collection of things is pretty much all you need as far as organization goes, but for flashcards the goal has less to do with being able to find information and more to do with the computer finding it and asking you about it. More concisely, you can study a deck, you can't study a tag.
Which ultimately gets at the question: "What is a deck?"
Of course, if we lean on the physical analogue then a deck is simply a collection of cards with a name that meaningfully describes what they all have in common. A physical card can only be in a single place at a time so it's only natural that a digital card is only in a single deck at a time.
But I think a deck can and should be more than that. I think a deck represents a group of cards/notes that have something in common that makes a user want to study them together. A card does not exist only within the context of a deck, but is associated with it, along with any other number of decks.
That's a little abstract, so let me explain my particular use-case (although the general principle applies to any number of other situations too):
For my Japanese class I have cards representing all the vocabulary we have learned. Principally, words are organized according to the chapter that they were introduced in, which might have worked if the Japanese writing system represented every word just a single way, but that is not the case and so for that and several other reasons a single word may be introduced in several places. This is a relatively minor problem, ultimately I've already learned all these words anyway and how they happen to be organized isn't all that important just as long as I review them all one way or another.
In fact, because for all but the most recent chapter it isn't all that important where the cards I'm reviewing come from I can get away with using what I've seen described as the one sort of work-around for this problem: filtered decks. Although they require a bit of shuffling cards around and frequent "rebuilding" they are really your only option when you can only review a subset of your cards on mobile due to differences between the different Anki clients.
No such luck when it comes to learning new cards though! If I have a collection of words to learn for each of several different sources (ie: my textbook, the Core 2K/6K, various decks targeting manga or anime I want to read) and I'm not willing to duplicate words between them (since doing so would require resetting my learning progress when switching between them) then I am forced to arbitrarily toss them in some particular deck and hope that I learn the cards they ideally would have in common first.
This, in my opinion, is actually one of the biggest advantages a service like JPDB.io has over Anki. As a recent-ish relatively highly-upvoted reddit post noted:

Having a single database that can track your overall progress is almost like a drug and seeing the progress bar for my anime- and book-related decks going up feels like playing a RPG.

Granted, being able to share cards between decks isn't sufficient to make a global database (users are still free to duplicate cards/notes), it is a necessary prerequisite, and one that users can't do anything about on their own.
Finally, for the same reason that this makes it easier to share cards between local decks, I believe this change will also make it easier for users to share cards with each other instead of needing to duplicate information across every deck where it is required. Again, this is not sufficient, but it is necessary.
I recognize that there are probably several technical and UX hurdles here (though JPDB can serve as a reference point for the latter) but I thought I wanted to put this out here and get second opinions.

 Braxs wakes up in a cold sweat from the nightmare he has been having for the past 3 months the same nightmare that always puts fear into him. It is the same nightmare that he is always running in hearing screams and cries and when he looks up he always sees the thing he is scared of the vortex he doesn't know why but looking at the sky makes him unsettled. As he runs for something behind him that he can't escape from and every time before he wakes up he hears the words “ find the keys”. Braxs gets out of his bed he looks out his window into the vast of space and calms himself down and gets ready for what seems like an ordinary day on his ship with his crew. As he steps out of his room making sure his arm is properly put on he bumps into David. Braxs combat expert as they exchange good morning they go to their stations braxs in the cockpit and David in weapons storage. As Braxs enters the cockpit he hears the usual fight between Maylie and Dex. They are always fighting about something this time Dex took Mayle’s stop in the cockpit and like usual braxs had to end it. The two of you stop the bickering now there is no use in this now get out while I plot a course for the nearest atomic gaser station. Mayle and Dex leave giving each other death stares as they leave Kelly walks in and says wats up with Mr. Robot and Miss Grumpy she says in a sarcastic voice. Braxs chuckles and says are you serious if it's not one thing with them it's a completely different thing. Ke; takes a seat next to braxs as he is plotting a course and notices his eye bags have gotten worse she sighs and looks at Braxs and asks him” Are they getting worse?” Braxs gives her a tried glance and exhales and says” no there not even bothering me anymore” Kelly grabs his hand and looks at him “don't lie to me I can see you eye bags come on braxs I am here talking to me I didn't almost die trying to leave lextens army for you just to keep hiding things from me. I can't help if you don't speak to me the only way for you to get some rest okay” Braxs gives her tried and understanding looks as he lets out a big exhale he tells her about his nightmare and how it's been the same forever and once he finishes kelly gives him a relieved look and worried look about that he finally told her but that his nightmare is so vivid. “ keys? Do you have any idea what that means “ braxs think for a mommet and remembers something Lexten told him awhile ago when Brxs was under the influences of lextens controls it was about a vortex that can be opened with a device and it was called the keys to mothers tears or for short K.T.M.T and the device was split into many pieces because the purpose of it was o open a gateway to the gods and enter their realm. Braxs reclaims this to Kelly who thinks for a while and says well why would you be dreaming of such a horbile thing then if the device is split apart” Braxs does know and gets the course plotted and goes to his room to think about what all this could mean. 

Braxs drifts off from his tiredness and finds himself in his nightmare again everything happens but this time he sees what comes out of the vortex and what he sees puts fear into him and what he sees is a man walking out of the vortex and the man has a look of sinister and he walks down and a giant bright light expelling into the sky. The screams stopped and the man walked to braxs in a calm but strong way the man grabbed braxs by the neck lifted him in the air and said “See you soon braxs and let's see if you beat my game Hahahaha” And braxs woke up on the ground in his room with one of his hands rubbing his neck and signs and goes to take a shower to clean his sweat cover boat from fear and he keep hearing voices and it starts getting louder and under they are all saying “ FIND THE KEYS AND FIND THE LIGHT FIND THE KEYS AND FIND THE LIGHT” and they stop braxs goes to his bed. Braxs takes a pill that lets him sleep but cuts off his emotions and stops the nightmares He falls asleep and gets much-needed rest from his nightmares and the voices. As Brax awakens in his room, he notices something feels off as if he is being watched and it's not a good feeling. As braxs was sitting feeling odd he heard his voice but not from his mouth but from his head as braxs jumped his voice chuckled and said “ Oh my is the strong leader of this little rebellion scared.” Braxs replied,” Show yourself NOW voice!!” The voice takes form into braxs vision and as he does He looks choked as in front of him is standing himself but with black his sclera is black and his eyes are red this is a form of braxs giving up and letting his demons and fear take hold on himself. Brax in a calm but hesitant voice says: w-w-what are you?” The voice chuckled again deepening his voice and saying” I am what makes a man fear the dark and himself I am the thing a man can never get rid of…..hahaha….I am guilty I am darkness I am BRAXTEN your demon that you made!!!....HAHAHAHAHAH” Braxs For the first time in a while was scared and had feared but he calmed down and said” Whatever you are doing care you will not stop me I am not going to let my head play tricks on me you are not real!!” Braxs closes his eyes breathes in and out and opens them and Braxten is gone Braxs get flashbacks to when he last felt that way.” it was 4 years ago…..and yet I still fear him I can't I need to stop this I can't choke when we fight him if I do I am costing my team there lives…..if lexten finds us….. I won't choke I will end everyone suffering once I see him……My “father” will die when he attacks us…” As braxs leaves his room he sees David cleaning the weapons and Maylie looking in old history files of the K.T.M.T to see if they can find it cause if lexten told braxs about lexten defiantly wants it that can't be good for the world if he gets his hands on it and gets to the gods who know what he could do. Braxs is angry that Maylie and Dex eavesdropped on his conversation with Kelly yesterday but lets it slide since she doing something useful to stop lexten. As they look through they find a section that says there is a dead sun solar system that there was a planet that was destroyed and most of it survived and now just floats in the void of space and that the activater to K.T.M.T is on it. Braxs is concerned because when a sun becomes dead a creature forms on any rock in that dead sun location that creature will eat anything and nest in in boulders to make more offspring. Maylie gets the idea of braxs getting reconnected to THE ONE a god that was once braxs Vishnu as braxs was his Avatar but a while ago The One broke their connection after braxs disobeyed an order and left braxs powerless. Braxs thought about it and decided he would try as he laid down in a tub full of warm water and chanted The one message” The one I call upon you the weaver of destiny and fate I what a word with you it me your Avatar” As Braxs vision closed his mind woke up in the domain of the one. The one Speaks in a strong voice” Braxs you are not my avatar you once were but you disobeyed me and I will not tolerate disobedience…..But I do and a choice for you I will reconnect us but only IF you will follow my orders and not go on using them from something I tell you not to mess with understand?” Braxs takes a minute to think getting K.T.M.T is very important so he agrees “OK I agree but I want you to stop watching me and hovering over me and let me use this power to get K.T.M.T activator from a dead sun “ The one thinks he needs an avatar and braxs is not asking for much and asking to do more heroism so the one snaps and braxs wakes up and see if he is reconnected he use activates his pure energy sword and it appears in his hand and he is electterfided that it works and walk out to his crew and says “ plot a course we have what we need” As they leave braxs feel his connect to the one is weak but there and keeps it to himself and let Mayie plot the course as he decides who will go with He knows everyone can handle themselves but he needs a group to protect the ship so he picks David to come with him. As he and David gear up Braxs grabs his cloak so that he does not freeze in the dead zone David grabs his suit to protect him from the gravity and cold and the forug blasters and waits in the hatch David inquiries Braxs about all the info that he has on K.T.M.T braxs replies “ its just something I picked up on” He lies to his team from the start minus one And kelly him and kelly were lextens right-hand man and medical adviser the rest are clueless to there past and Braxs want it that because he fears his team will be scared of him and he does want to lose his family but David isn't dumb he has known forever and he say to braxs” okay boss but remember i am a friend and friends don't judge a friend for there past but there present actions. Brax Looks at David with reluctance and before Braxs can say something the ship’s alert system Tells everyone that we are entering Lord Lexten territory and they must be careful Braxs yells to his team “ Get the cloaking device on NOW” His team gets to work getting in online and as they do the once beautiful lights in space die out in there view now is a dead sloar system and in the middle there traget the dead sun its said when a sun explodes it froms a dead sun with the planets in it solar system and that is what Braxs and his team faces are in aw and shoke then Dex speaks up” i see worse” Braxs chuckled at the fact that Dex has a point but neve mind that braxs and David get to the hatch again and they jump down on the planets surface as they do braxs can already feel the K.T.M.T energy and its deep in the planet so Braxs and David turn the lights on and walk as they pin point the location and as they do Braxs stops in his tracks and stop David who looks confused why they are stopping and Braxs point at what look like David but actually behind him and Braxs shoots killing one of the creatures that inhabbit the Dead sun and David was unfased and gets back to with Braxs finding the K.T.M.T and they had to enter a cave it glowed with a uneasy purple glow and they went in with there gruards up Braxs states “David be careful we dont know what could be down here “ David says “ On it boss” Braxs looks around the cave seeing that the creature arent going near them which made Braxs even more careful because something terrible must have scared them and as him And david walk deeper in the cave there coms go out Braxs keeps moving d David ge worried because they just lot there only connection to warn the team if something happens” boss shouldent we go back before we get hurt or something?” Braxs turns around “ NO we need to keep going before lexten gets to it if you are that worried go back I keep going” David looks around and turns around and leaves “I am sorry boss…. it too risky” David leaves Braxs alone in the cave With that. Braxs goes deeper into the cave he finds something odd an old ship the size of a small moon in the end. Braxs finds a broken window and jumps in he surveys the area and see a light coming from a room and above its door says K.T.M.T safety Braxs enters and finds the K.T.M.T activator and it is just a remote so he easily grabs it and then he feels it the presents of someone that someone with a past with Braxs As Braxs turns Around he sees him Lexten “HAHAHA I see you're still doing my job for me Braxs hand over that remote now” Braxs Gretts his teeth and let out smile and says” Oh my dear “father” thinks I will just hand him this no I will not let your hand on this thing if you want it you will have to fight me Lexten!” Lexten chuckles” Ha that's boring how about this I use my new toy on you” As he says that Lexten's New right-hand man walks in and is ten times Braxs size” Puny Ant, hand over the device now or I will make this fun for myself” Braxs try using his coms but forgot they were cut off and then he draws out his powers but before he can The one pulls him into his dreamscape and says” Braxs you must not fight you will not win” Braxs get mad and laughs” Are you questioning me I always have a plan”
With that Braxs pulled himself out of the dreamscape and realized he had been tied and Lexten took the remote Braxs broke free with ease. And runs Out of the cave to catch up with Lexten as he exits. He sees his ship and Lexens above it He runs to it but he gets surrounded by the creatures one bit his Robot arm off. And braxs was able to kill them all with the little energy he had left and as he makes his way to the ship his team is standing her Kelly with her normal look meanwhile the other Three Look at Braxs with looks of fear and judgment and Braxs looks confused then Maylie spoke up with tears in her eyes “is it true braxs?” Braxs looked and said,” What is true Maylie?” Maylie screamed,” Is it true you're the braxs that once who worked for lexten the one who hurt all of us the one that made us work day and night without breaks!!” Brax stood there in shock” Who told you this Maylie “ Kelly walked up “ I couldn't keep my story hidden from friends anymore and then I told them yours” Braxs felt his chest tighten as the one he trusted and had known forever would reveal his dark past. Dex pipes up” At least she had the guts to tell us our Leader didn't even tell us” Braxs looked at his crew the fear and hatred in their eyes. He tried to get in the ship but Dex pushed him out” You don't deserve to be up here we should let you die on this planet.” Braxs caught himself and Kelly tried to get Braxs on the ship but the group held her, And they closed the hatch, and started the Ship. Braxs was distraught; he tried to improve his life, but his past kept biting back. He looked down at his destroyed arm and then he heard it “ Oh this really took a turn for the worse all because you never told your dumb friends the truth” With that Braxs turned around and saw Braxten standing there with his smile Braxs stood there feeling like his life is already gone he fell to his knees as he saw his ship his friends leave him on the Dead sun And Braxten chuckled “ Ah is the great Braxs alone to bad I wanted your friends to see me take control of your body and take them back to where they belong” Braxs felt something odd he noticed his arm repairing its self without him rebuilding it then Braxten vanished and braxs herd The one “ My Avatar we must speak alone now that whatever that thing was has retreated into your Subconscious we can do that. I think it is time you look for a way off this planet because as we speak Lexten is finding the last piece of the K.T.M.T. Do it soon young one”. Just like that Braxs was alone again and he didn't know what to do anymore He sat there lifeless his mind racing with all the memories of his past actions but the ones that kept appearing were his crew and him eating and laughing together. He stood up and headed to that abandoned ship buried deep in the cave and as he got in there he went to the engine room and got to work he worked on it for hours and as he did the only thing he thought about was finding his crew and giving them the full story he know then they might understand he then hears something. As he walks out he sees something odd ghosts. No that's too silly he thinks to himself self then he sees it is not a ghost but hologram’s and it looks like it is a recording He finds the control room and asks it what the date is of this recording it states the recording was made over 500 years ago as he watches it he goes to the area where the K.T.M.T activater was held and sees several researchers studying it. Braxs hears them” We need to get this to the station this device is too dangerous to have” With that the ship's recording cuts to 5 days later and the ship is on fire and screaming and braxs hears a very familiar laugh. As braxs turned around he saw Lexten first Braxs had fear but then confusion how is lexten here in this recording if it was 500 years ago? Braxs then see someone clinging to life in the Recording and they shove themself into lexten and push him into an escape pod so he would not get his hands on the device. Then for the final moments of life, this person sent a beacon out to another ship so that when needed the device could be found. With that, the person lets go and dies. As braxs watched this he thought if this was from 500 years ago then lexten would be at least 534 years old now but that made no sense because both of them looked the same. Braxs shook it off and asked for the next recording it went quiet and braxs seen that this ship crashed into a planet and then was deep enough to survive the implosion as it happened he didn't see it but felt that this planet had been the core of the dead sun brith. Braxs then realized he was in a ship that could be stronger that all of the lextens combined he went back to the engine and finally got it running he went to the power box and gave it a punch with his robotic arm sending waves of energy starting it up got the light on and everything. But as he did the ship started to shake like 100 earthquakes all at once and the ship was pulling out of the dead sun Braxs Quickly got somewhere safe. As it shook and broke the dead sun braxs fell to the ground and when he got to his feet he sen that this ship was not a ship but a space station. And the dead sun was gone and all the creatures died put to rest. While all this happened His team was off going who knows where and Kelly was trying to convince them to go back and pick Braxs up. “ come guys you all know Braxs would never hurt us” Dex with a plain face replied” He kept a secret from us one that was way too wrong to hide he is a murderer he did lextens biding and look where that got everyone I may be a robot but the doest mean i don’t read facial expressions. “ Kelly continues to talk to them and Maylie pipes in “He may have been our friend but he didn't tell us the truth he betrayed our trust why should we trust him” Before Kelly could speak their ship was attacked and when they looked out it was one of lextens drone ships and it shot down there engine the n there power as they got ready for a fight lextens Right-hand man got inside “ well look at this these ants want to play it we gonna do this properly you should know this winner name they call me 5 and you would know that kelly haha let us play now” With that 5 used the darkness to his advantage and attacked he used an emp bomb to disable there weapon and Dex he then knock the other two out with ease and pick them up and took them to his ship before that he planted a few bombs on their ship and once inside his own he blew up their ship. 5 took them to the empire capital and were tossed in prison minus Maylie Lexten wanted a word with her” Ah young one you right one time to see my greatest creation be rebuilt do you know the one thing that defies a villain and an evil mad man its simple really a villain is always having a reason for what he does and lets the hero win because they are weak but not I this game is fun when you time every mommet” Maylie sat there and spoke “ get to the point old man I rather be in a cell then here you drag this on” Lexten with a chuckle and gave her an offer” how would like revenge on Braxs I know you want it he did, after all, betray your trust.” When we get back to Braxs he gets the space station out of the dead zone and he had one goal and asked the ship's navigation “ find Ax6-10 position and status.” It replied that they were 56 light years away and that status was the ship was destroyed. Braxs automatically had to take him there he got his suit on and jumped into the vacuum of space he went to what was left of their ship and he was revealed there was no sign of them but he knew there was only one person that never left something behind he knew who Lextens right-hand man was now and wasn't happy. Braxs quickly set a course for the capital and quickly took a look at what weapons this ship held since he needed a totem to channel the full length of his powers when he got to the weaponry he found a normal-looking gun as he thought but when he picked it up it changed its self to a grip that fit his hand and a barrel to a perfect for a hard shell bullet. Brxs was stunned he never heard of any weapons like this with the K.T.M.T. activator and now this gun had him thinking this ship had more to it than it seemed and as he got closer to the capital he was ready for a fight. When he was getting closer the Station Computer asked to activate the weapons and Braxs didn't think much of it because he was still far away from the capital then Warnings appeared hostile ships were heading to his location. Braxs quickly and smartly activated shields first then had the turrets and as they got closer the stations shot each ship with precision and ease Braxs wasn't going to let people die anymore he used the tractor beam and took in the pilots he knew that would fight back because they where to in fear of defining Lexten Braxs quickly get in the command deck and they were hesitant at first but Braxs told them with him as their leader he won't let Lexten hurt them ever again. They quickly got up and went to different consoles on the command deck maned them and got the station at 100% power affinity. They were on a direct pass to the capital and Braxs told the pilots that he needed them on command there because Braxs now had the ship to save every person from Lexten's control and power and he was keeping his promise to end Lexten. When Dex woke up his head was disconnected from his body he was stuck and confused he laughed it off and said “Well I could be dead right now ha…he….” He is not good when it comes to this and quickly panics and makes his head fall to the gourd and his head rolled close enough to his body for him to connect to it and pick his head up and reconnect himself. When he calmed himself he looked around and realized he was not in a cell with his friends he was in a lab but he felt like he was there before as Dex looked around he saw something that triggered a memory he saw a bloody table he felt his head hurt and as he tried fighting the memories he let one slip and see his reflection it was him he knew it was he was not a robot he was once a human his name was not even Dex. He let all the memory flood his head and realized Braxs wasn’t at fault he was. Dex in his memory puts a control device in braxs head for lexten and Dex gets a surge of regret. Then he heard clapping “Ah I see that brain of yours was not too far gone you remember everything good” Dex tried attacking but 5 pressed a button his wrist freezing Dex’s body. 5 walked around him and spoke” You think I wouldn’t be dumb enough to bug that body of yours you are my mercy Mr.Trever or my mentor” Dex looked at him now with his memories back “ 5 What the hell is this I took you in raised you as my son” 5 smiled” Oh you did do that but failed to do lord Lexten bidding 9 years ago and he had you punished he wants to know how you ended up like this so I will be breaking you and rebuilding you it's going to be so much fun!” Dex thought for a mommet “ I will tell you how I ended up like this and first of all my name is not Trever it's Dex plus I am not scared of you i have seen the dead sun’s more sickening than you 5 You are not scary ha yout not even creepy.” Dex looks over to a closet” Behind the panel is where I kept my journal you will find it in there 5 walks over to it and rips off the panel “Where is it all I see is a tunnel?” Dex tried hiding his chuckles” It's deep in there you will find it” 5 stepped inside and Dex yelled “ Computer shut test cell 45” Room 5 was in lights up brightly blinding him as the entrance closed off Dex could now move now that signal and walk to 5 “ Your grounded haha” Dex leaves 5 and goes and find his friends to reveal the truth. While all that happened Maylie woke up in her old room the door was guarded and she needed to find a way out she went to her old chemical lab and was stunned all her chemicals had been cleared out she had no hope of getting out she went to her bed and lost hope. David was the only one put in a cell he tried breaking out but ended up breaking his arm.” agh…. it's no use I am useless without a weapon if the boss was here what would he say” David was thinking for a while and remembered something Braxs said while he was training with him “ Remember David we may be good with our weapons but the greatest weapon is the mind when using it right you anything could be a weapon just use you head” David looked around and he took Braxs serious and used his head agest the lock David is so hard that it made a actual dent.” ow that hurt I probably should have cushioned the blow” Braxs made a quiet entrance and knocked out the guards. And went to the command center and unlocked all the cell doors he located everyone minus Maylie he could not find her location anywhere which worried him. Braxs bumped into Dex first and Dex tried apologizing but Braxs stopped him” Dex we will worry about this later this is a rescue mission and saving the world” Dex nodded They quickly made ease with guards after they picked up David who had fallen unconscious with that head bump from earlier and They quickly made their way to Kelly when they took down the guards and entered they saw Kelly's hopeless face fill with joy when she saw her friends “BRAXS!, DEX!, DAVID? What happened to him” Braxs looked over “ He probably took my advice seriously again” They all chuckled then the question Braxs knew was going to come up came “ Braxs how did you get here we left you on the dead sun” Braxs smiled” look out to the wall her name is Audrey “ He pointed to the ship he named like all good captains do.