Slingblade costume

Monday Night Raw (June 5, 2023)
We don’t see Sheamus appear on this week’s episode of Raw, as he needs time to recover from Butch’s heinous assault on him during his backstage promo. We do see the assailant though, as he appears in a backstage promo where he hopes to explain his actions and state what he hopes to get out of burning that bridge with the Celtic Warrior. Butch says that ever since he was brought to the main roster alongside Sheamus, he’s felt like he was relegated to the scrappy sidekick when he knows that he’s much more. Before he was Butch, he was Pete Dunne, a force to be reckoned with one of the longest title reigns in NXT history. And now that he’s separated himself from Sheamus’ side, he’s going to go back to his roots, but he wants to start with the United States Championship by his side. Soon after, a match is announced for next week’s Raw, as the now-renamed Pete Dunne does battle with Ridge Holland.
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Monday Night Raw (June 12, 2023)
Pete Dunne vs. Ridge Holland
Dunne and Holland have a hard hitting 9 minute match on this week’s episode of Monday Night Raw, as we see both of these men take all their frustrations out on one another after Dunne’s split from the Brawling Brutes. Holland does his best to put on for Sheamus, honoring his fallen comrade by utilizing a few of his moves at some point in the match. However, it isn’t long until Dunne is able to go on quite the hot streak here, and once he does, it spells disaster for Dunne’s former stablemate. Dunne manages to blast Holland with an X-Plex that knocks the wind out of his foe, allowing the finger breaker to do what he does best: break fingers. We see Dunne obliterate Holland’s hand before heaving him up and blasting him with a Bitter End that puts Holland out of commission for the rest of the night, allowing Dunne to win this match.
Pete Dunne def. Ridge Holland in 9:05
After the match is over, Pete Dunne continues to lay the boots to Holland, eventually getting down to the mat with him and continuing to utilize that disgusting joint manipulation much to the referee’s chagrin. However, the beatdown doesn’t last for too long, AS SHEAMUS MAKES HIS VALIANT RETURN TO THE RING TO BRAWL WITH HIS FORMER PARTNER!!! Dunne and Sheamus get into it quickly, and it seems like Sheamus has the upper hand for a bit BEFORE DUNNE LANDS A LOW BLOW INTO A BITTER END THAT DROPS THE CELTIC WARRIOR TO THE MAT! The Bruiserweight slowly picks up the United States Championship, raising it up above his head to a chorus of boos from the Sheamus fans in the crowd. He makes his way out of the ring with the title still in his hand, stealing it as he tells the nearest camera that he’s already won the belt. Soon after, a title match is booked for Hell in a Cell, pitting the former stablemates against each other with the gold on the line.
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Hell in a Cell ‘23 (June 17, 2023)
Pete Dunne vs. Sheamus (c) - WWE United States Championship
This match takes place right before our main event, full of some brutal brawling as two of our favorite Europeans get a chance to let out all the anger and hatred that’s built up between the two of them. It’s quite the evenly paced affair, as we see back and forth action between both of these bitter rivals. From start to finish, both of these guys are on go, Sheamus battering his challenger with only the stiffest blows meanwhile Dunne manages to take it to the fingers as he utilizes his signature joint manipulation. However, before this match can come to it’s official end, it’s interrupted… BY NONE OTHER THAN IMPERIUM!!! GUNTHER, Ludwig Kaiser, and Giovanni Vinci made the official jump from the blue brand to the red brand following this year’s WrestleMania, and we see them storm the ring and wreak havoc on everybody around. Pete Dunne gets clobbered, Sheamus ends up going through the announce table, and this match is officially ruled a no contest after IMPERIUM have their way.
Sheamus vs. Pete Dunne goes to a no contest in 6:26
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Monday Night Raw (June 19, 2023)
After the carnage we saw during the United States Championship match at Extreme Rules, we see the men behind it show their faces on the Raw after the show, marching into the ring as they prepare to say their piece. GUNTHER states that he never really was through with Sheamus after their rivalry “concluded,” and that tonight was his way of getting back at him for that. Ever since he lost his Intercontinental Championship, GUNTHER has been waiting in the wings for a shot to get some gold around his waist again, but after seeing two people he absolutely fucking hates competing for a championship that could be over his shoulder right now, he decided that he was finished. Before GUNTHER can get through with his promo, he’s interrupted by the champion, who comes out livid about his match being interrupted. Sheamus says that if GUNTHER wants a chance to get his arse handed to him, all he had to do was ask, and a match is made between the two on the following edition of Raw.
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Monday Night Raw (June 26, 2023)
GUNTHER vs. Sheamus (c) - WWE United States Championship
This match continues the heated rivalry between the Celtic Warrior and the Ring General, as we see these two behemoths just batter the hell out of each other for the better half of 16 minutes. Sheamus is still reeling from that beatdown he took at Extreme Rules, and GUNTHER does his best to make Sheamus pay, taking advantage of the champion in the state he’s in right now. Nevertheless, Sheamus refuses to be put down this way, fighting tooth and nail against his tough challenger as he attempts to stay in this fight for good. Near the end of this match, Sheamus begins to mount a huge comeback against the Ring General, which starts when Sheamus is able to duck under GUNTHER’s attempted Short-Arm Lariat AND THROW HIM DOWN WITH THE IRISH CURSE!!!
The Celtic Warrior is too out of it to capitalize after the Irish Curse, but once he eventually recovers from the insane beatdown he’s received during this match, he gets right back on the attack, walking GUNTHER down AND BEATING THE HELL OUT OF HIM WITH ALL SORTS OF FOREARMS AND ELBOW SMASHES! Sheamus goes buckwild on the challenger, throwing everything he’s got at him ONLY FOR GUNTHER TO CATCH HIM WITH A BURNING LARIAT OUT OF NOWHERE!!! AND NOW GUNTHER’S GOT THE REAR NAKED CHOKE LOCKED IN AS TIGHT AS TIGHT CAN BE!!! The lariat basically already seals the deal for Sheamus, knocking him out cold and rendering him already out of it by the time the choke is in, MEANING THAT GUNTHER WINS THIS MATCH BY TECHNICAL SUBMISSION, MAKING HIM YOUR NEW UNITED STATES CHAMPION!!!
GUNTHER def. Sheamus in 16:16 to win the WWE United States Championship
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Monday Night Raw (July 10, 2023)
IMPERIUM storm the ring on this week’s episode of Raw to celebrate GUNTHER’s major championship victory over Sheamus on Raw, as we see GUNTHER in medium spirits with his new championship tightly wrapped around his waist. The celebration doesn’t last long before uninvited guests manage to crash the ring however, as we first see the returning Pete Dunne barge into the ring, showing no fear as he stands face to face with the champion. Their staredown is interrupted as well however, BY NONE OTHER THAN SHEAMUS HIMSELF WHO RUNS DOWN THE RAMP WITH A SHILLELAGH IN HAND!!! A wild brawl ensues as all three men end up beating the hell out of each other before security officials are forced to break the thing up. The following week on Raw, a big match is announced for SummerSlam, as we see GUNTHER defend his title against both Sheamus and Pete Dunne, both men getting the rematches that they feel they deserve.
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SummerSlam (July 29, 2023)
Pete Dunne vs. Sheamus vs. GUNTHER (c) - WWE United States Championship
GUNTHER is perhaps the most dangerous man in all of wrestling, and that United States Championship around his waist proves it. However, tonight he has two of his past rivals waiting in the wings for him. Pete Dunne battled with him over the United Kingdom Championship back in NXT and NXT UK, and GUNTHER got the better of him there. Sheamus, at last year’s Clash at the Castle, nearly took the Intercontinental Championship away from GUNTHER in an instant classic. Both Dunne and Sheamus feuded with GUNTHER’s Imperium, as The Brawling Brutes. This match has a ton of history behind it, and GUNTHER will have to defeat his past if he wants to keep his gold.
The match is a brutal affair. Sheamus uses his size to throw Dunne around, and GUNTHER can’t use his usual strength advantage against The Celtic Warrior. It actually seems at one point like Sheamus will win with a Celtic Cross on the champion, but his pin attempt is broken up by Dunne. The Bruiserweight has more agility than his opponents, and takes Sheamus out on the outside with a Moonsault, but he can’t get GUNTHER up for the Bitter End! GUNTHER eventually tears Sheamus’ chest to smithereens with a flurry of chops, taking him out of commission, before focusing on Dunne! Pete fights like hell, but they go to the top rope, and GUNTHER HITS AN AVALANCHE POWERBOMB! Dunne can’t come back from that, GUNTHER has retained the WWE United States Title!
GUNTHER def. Pete Dunne and Sheamus in 21:43 to retain the WWE United States Championship
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Monday Night Raw (July 31, 2023)
GUNTHER has, up until now, turned away every last one of his challengers. In fact, it seems like there’s nobody left for him to beat! Tonight, we get a Number One Contender’s Battle Royale to determine who his challenger will be at Clash at the Castle! After about 15 minutes, the last man in the ring is…Johnny Gargano! The Rebel Heart has gone after the United States Championship before, when Seth Rollins and Sheamus each held it. Gargano failed to capture the championship from either of those men, and GUNTHER is arguably more dangerous than either of them. Can Gargano prove that third time's the charm at Clash at the Castle?
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Monday Night Raw (August 7, 2023)
Johnny Gargano is doing a backstage interview, where he’s asked about whether or not he thinks he can win the United States Championship after failing to capture it twice. He says that obviously he deserves the shot, because he won the Battle Royale to get it. However, before he can continue, he’s jumped by Giovanni Vinci and Ludwig Kaiser! The Imperium members lay waste to him, stomping Gargano out! GUNTHER is obviously sending a message, and that message is that Johnny Wrestling isn’t even good enough to fight off his goons!
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Monday Night Raw (August 14, 2023)
The following week, Johnny Gargano is out for blood, and he’s storming to GUNTHER’s locker room, wanting to get payback for last week’s attack! He bursts through the door, and GUNTHER is sitting there, inviting him to attack! But from behind, Ludwig and Giovanni are there again! A low blow from Vinci, and Kaiser beats him down with a chair! Gargano will be lucky to even make it to Clash at the Castle!
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Clash at the Castle (September 2, 2023)
Johnny Gargano vs. GUNTHER (c) - WWE United States Championship
Fuck the UK, but tonight we will finally see this long awaited US total clash between two of WWE's greatest prospective stars. Gargano enters first, dressed in a stupid Batman costume and slapping hands with the fans, really putting over his good nature and his eagerness to win. GUNTHER follows, silent and serious and completely unbeatable. As he steps through the ropes, he doesn't so much as even acknowledge his opponent. The Rebel Heart is little more than a bug to him.
This starts slow, as a cautious Gargano elects to circle the Champ, waiting patiently for his moment to go for the kill. He tries to hook the legs, but finds GUNTHER much too stalwart and is forced to roll out of dodge before the Austrian can properly get his grubby mits on him. GUNTHER pursues his challenger casually around the ring, cutting him off at every turn and ensuring that with every passing second his hopes for escape become less and less material. Gargano tries to play it cool, pick his spots and use his superior to agility to wear down the much bigger GUNTHER, but no dice. GUNTHER doesn't seem to be tiring or hurting in the slightest. Gargano tries for a grazing Solebutt Kick, whiffs it, and allows the Ring General to finally get ahold of him and hit him with the first move of the match, a cracking chop that sends Gargano flying across the ring.
Johnny sprawls out gasping for breath but GUNTHER does not let up, gleefully unleashing chop after chop onto Gargano's reddening chest, picking him up and tossing him clear into the ropes for a Big Boot on the comeback. Gargano's head snaps back as he falls. No more clever maneuvering for you, DIY Man. GUNTHER continues to beat on the guy, pressing down on his left leg and digging into it, before leisurely locking in an Ankle Lock. Gargano screams and claws for the ropes, still no dice. To GUNTHER, killing a man like this is just child's play. Out of options, Gargano flips under, rolls GUNTHER over with a rolling Ankle Lock of his own before transitioning out and bouncing up for a Superki- ONLY FOR THE RING GENERAL TO COME ROCKETING INTO HIM, SENDING HIM RAGDOLLING OFF THE CORNER AND STRAIGHT INTO THE WAITING ARMS OF A GOLDEN BOMB!
GUNTHER falls into the pin but finds no unconscious body lying below him, Gargano having rolled onto the outside just in the knick of time. Gargano claws to re-enter, only to eat a Shotgun Dropkick that sends him flying clear onto the barricade. GUNTHER, annoyed now, flies out of the ring and runs a train straight through Gargano. Pulls him up by his hair and bashes his head clear into the side of the apron. Chopping away as flakes of skin explode violently off Johnny's chest. He lifts the Rebel Heart easily, setting up for another Golden Bomb, this time onto the apron. He backs up, rushes forward- and GARGANO'S GOT HIS HANDS ON THE ROPES, STOPPING GUNTHER FROM THROWING HIM DOWN! Taking advantage of the momentary distraction, Gargano quickly pulls overhead back into the ring, running the ropes and coming quickly back with a SUICIDE DIVE ONTO THE IC CHAMP! GUNTHER hits the barricade, out on his feet. Gargano smashes fist into chest, feeling it now. He hits an Enziguri, pulls onto the apron and scores a Baby Ace crusher off of it!
Now, time for the finishing touch. He goes to roll GUNTHER, but finds himself unable. The big man is just too heavy. Just enough time for the Bull From Vienna to respond in kind, nailing Johnny with a backhand and immediately headbutting him dizzy and throwing him inside for the easy pin. ONE… TWO… KICKOUT. GUNTHER looks almost disgusted, picking up and selecting to finish his opponent yet again with some Gojira Bombs. One. Two. Three. Fou- GARGANO AGAIN HAS THE ROPES, PULLING HIMSELF OFF FOR A SUPERKICK! GUNTHER reels but does not fall, Springboard Dropkick from Gargano doesn't get the job done either. Damn. Rebel Heart beats his chest and rushes forward, DOUBLE KNEE FACEBREAKER, BUT GUNTHER CATCHES IT AND PULLS IT INTO A BUTTERFLY SUPLEX! GARGANO TRIES TO STAND ONLY TO BE IMMEDIATELY BEHEADED BY A LARIAT! GOJIRA BOMB! ONE… TWO… THR… GARGANO GETS A FOOT ON THE ROPES!
Angry now, Big Man tosses Little Man clear into the corner, unloads with straight up Closed Fists now, honor be damned. Gargano's skull goes concave and he tries weakly to get his arms up. Without any other form of escape, he slides ass-first through the ropes, landing on the apron. GUNTHER seeks yet another Lariat, but Gargano collapses to the ground right before he can actually connect! GUNTHER looks down puzzled, pulls the challenger back inside, setting up tentatively for a Fire Thunder Driver, ONLY FOR A POSSUM GARGANO TO PULL HIM INTO THE ROLL UP! ONE… TWO… THRE-KICKOUT!!! BUT GARGANO IS ON HIM WITH WILD FISTS BACK AND FORTH!!!. GUNTHER pushes him off, catches a Spinning Back and hits a killer Saito Suplex. Gargano rolls onto his feet, blood pumping with adrenaline, and rushes forward only to immediately eat a Shotgun Dropkick courtesy of the Ring Master. One final Gojira Bomb to send us home, and ONE… TWO… THRE-NOOOOO!!! GARGANO KICKS OUT AND GRABS THE ARMBAR ON GUNTHER!
GUNTHER picks the pest up, trying for a Buckle Bomb that Gargano manages to adjust into a roll onto the apron, a SHOTGUN ONE FINAL BEAT, BUT WALTER CATCHES HIM! FISHERMAN SUPLEX! WALTER UNLOADS WITH CHOPS ON A GROUNDED GARGANO NOW! HE'S FURIOUS! Gargano spits and GUNTHER only smashes his closed fists down harder, like an animal bludgeoning it's prey. He stands, flies into the corner with a deranged look on his eye, before RUSHING TOWARDS GARGANO WITH A JUMPING KNEE DROP THAT GARGANO DODGES, PUSHING HIS SOLES INTO THE JOINTS OF GUNTHER'S LEG AND USING ALL THE SHEER FORCE HE HAS REMAINING TO KICK IT CLEAN IN! It works. GUNTHER's knee inverts. The snap is audible. GUNTHER stumbles a second, then falls to his knees. Gargano slides between the ropes, wastes no time. Now or never. ONE FINAL BEAT CLEAR INTO A ROLL UP! ONE… TWO… THREE! AND YOUR NEW UNITED STATES CHAMPION… JOHNNY GARGANO!!!
Johnny Gargano def. GUNTHER in 28:11 to win the WWE United States Championship
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Monday Night Raw (September 11, 2023)
Johnny Gargano says that he wants to be a fighting champion, and that in order to do so, he wants to provide a shot to anybody that might want it. So, he’s putting out an open contract for a United States Championship opportunity, and the match will take place two weeks from now, so that his opponent can have ample time to prepare. Later on in the show, the open contract is claimed by The Miz! The A-Lister says that years ago, he turned the Intercontinental Championship into the most prestigious championship in WWE! Now, it’s time for him to do the same with the United States Title.
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Monday Night Raw (September 25, 2023)
The Miz vs. Johnny Gargano (c) - WWE United States Championship
The Miz has some history with Tommaso Ciampa, Gargano’s former tag team partner and rival, but none with Gargano himself. Gargano has some difficulty in the beginning of the match, not having The Miz scouted just yet. However, Johnny Wrestling has that nickname for a reason, and it’s because he’s an incredible wrestler. He’s able to start taking control of the match, and after Maryse gets ejected for trying to interfere, the champion is able to hit a brutal One Final Beat to retain his title!
Johnny Gargano def. The Miz in 15:02 to retain the WWE United States Championship
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Monday Night Raw (October 16, 2023)
After not being booked on Extreme Rules, Johnny Gargano cuts a promo. He says that not being on a PPV means that some people are going to call him out as not being marketable or exciting, and not bringing any prestige to the United States Championship. Those people couldn’t be any more wrong, because Gargano plans to keep the belt prestigious by defending week in and week out, no matter the show! Suddenly, Angel Garza walks out, before saying that people don’t pay to see Johnny Wrestling, they pay to see Angel Garza. Gargano tells him that if he wants to prove it, he’s going to have to win the belt, and to do that, he’ll have to beat Gargano. They agree on a match for next week.
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Monday Night Raw (October 23, 2023)
Angel Garza vs. Johnny Gargano (c) - WWE United States Championship
Angel Garza is a tremendous wrestler, and the numbers advantage due to Humberto Carillo is doing wonders for him. Could he actually pull off this upset? He goes for the Angel’s Wings, but the US Champ gets out of it, hits a Superkick, and then unleashes a barrage of strikes! Humberto hops onto the apron, and eats a Superkick as well, before Johnny applies the Gargano Escape for the tap!
Johnny Gargano def. Angel Garza in 9:56 to retain the WWE United States Championship
After the match, while Gargano celebrates, he’s suddenly attacked from behind by a hooded figure! The man takes off the hood…IT’S SETH ROLLINS! Rollins and Gargano had a brutal feud over the United States Championship, when Rollins was the champ, and now the roles are reversed! Buckle Bomb from Seth, and then a Curb Stomp! The architect poses with the title!
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Monday Night Raw (November 6, 2023)
Johnny Gargano underwent medical evaluation last week, and was deemed healthy enough to keep his United States Championship, but strongly discouraged from any violent activity for a few weeks. After taking last week off, he’s going against doctor’s orders tonight, as he rushes into the arena, looking for Seth Rollins! He finds him, and the two men exchange punches as security tries to pull them apart! Both men yell that they’ll see each other at Survivor Series, and that match is made official, but both men are told to stay home next week and only come back for a contract signing on the go-home show!
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Monday Night Raw (November 20, 2023)
Rollins and Gargano are on opposite ends of a table set up in the ring, with security keeping them on their respective sides. Gargano says that it’s been bothering him for a long, long time that he wasn’t able to defeat Seth Rollins the last time they faced off. Now, he’s proven that he’s better than Rollins by beating GUNTHER. Now, he just wants to beat him directly so that Seth has no excuses, and has no valid argument. He wants to prove that the Rebel Heart is better than The Visionary.
Rollins laughs maniacally, before saying that Gargano hasn’t changed in the slightest. Gargano has been thinking about his loss to Seth ever since it happened. Rollins, on the other hand, doesn’t think about Johnny at all! He wants his gold, and doesn’t give a shit about the man holding it, because he KNOWS that he’s better. Johnny Gargano is a champion, so he better start acting like it. Right now? Right now, he’s not acting dignified, he’s not acting confident, he’s not acting like a man. He’s acting like a man that needs Seth Rollins to feel important. He wasn’t around…is that why Johnny got left off of Extreme Rules? At that remark, Gargano tries to push past the security to get to Seth! The guards are doing their job, though, we’ll have to wait for Survivor Series to see the champion get his hands on the challenger!
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Survivor Series ‘23 (November 25, 2023)
Seth Rollins vs. Johnny Gargano (c) - WWE United States Championship
I GOT MY SHIT PUSHED IN BRO BIG TIME!. After over a year of back and forth fighting, boiling tension barely contained beneath the surface, this rivalry will finally come to a head here with the roles now reversed. A year and a half on, Gargano is now the fighting, defending champion and Rollins takes an ill-fit place as the scrappy challenger desperate for championship gold. The Visionary struts his way into this match, as excessive and indulgent as ever. Gargano, in comparison, sports back-to-basics, all-black gear, letting his US title do all the talking for him. The two shoot daggers at each other as the ring announcer begins his screed, itching for just the slightest excuse to tear the other to shreds. Then. Ding.
GARGANO EXPLODES FORWARD WITH A MISSILE DROPKICK THAT SENDS ROLLINS CRASHING INTO THE CORNER! EXPLODER SUPLEX! ENZUIGIRI! The crowd cheers and Gargano drinks it all in with a smile, turning around directly into a Roundhouse to the face, a Snap Suplex! Rollins goes to sweep the legs, but Gargano leaps over it and falls clean into a crushing Facebreaker. He rolls off Rollins and hits the ropes, going for a Bicycle Knee, Rollins dodging him out of the way and tossing him into a Rolling Soleboot before pulling him into a Pedigree. He leaps up, but Gargano gets the knees underneath, flipping Rollins overhead and connecting with a killer Superkick! Rollins reels, bounces off the ropes, and comes back with a Superkick of his own! The two retreat into their respective corners, and the match is on!
With the fancy stuff out of the way, the two move quickly into a lock-up, a showcase of technical chops before things get too heated. Rollins overpowers Gargano with ease, forces him to the ground as he tirelessly works away at the neck. Gargano tries to put distance between the two parties, kicking slowly away at Rollins and attempting just about anything to escape from the clutches of the clearly much more technically adept Visionary, now constricting him fully with a grounded Koji Clutch. When Johnny gets too close to the ropes, Rollins instead shifts things into a Fujiwara Armbar and once again moves them dab to the middle of the ring. Gargano is clearly straining hard here, and it's taking all of his power to stay alive here as Rollins imprisons and tortures him. He pulls out his full bag of tricks in an attempt to escape, spares no expenses in his quest, and still finds himself in the exact same place he started. All roads lead to Fujiwara.
After multiple failed escape attempts, multiple roads leading to the same conclusion, Johnny is fading fast. Desperation kicks in, and he tries for a kip up. Stumbles, falls right onto Rollins and into a roll up, ONE… TWO… KICKOUT!! Gargano tries to take advantage, catching his rival with a Facebreaker only for Rollins to megafuck him straight into the corner. Rebel Heart is just too broken and exhausted to capitalize, and the Visionary is just too damn good. There, Rollins unleashes explosive elbow after explosive elbow, catching Johnny as he tries to ascend the turnbuckle and launching off the top rope with a wild Hurricanrana that sends Gargano bouncing off the mat and clear into a Pendulum Backbreaker. Gargano crawls for the ropes, but Seth cuts him off, kicking indifferently at his face and cackling like a fucking coke whore. Underestimating Gargano, just like everybody else.
Still, Gargano claws forward with every breath, eating humiliation after humiliation and trekking forward regardless. Rollins has had enough toying with him, sets him up finally for the Stomp with a hard knee to the stomach and a back up into the corner. He grins, goes wrong, and FINDS NO ONE THERE WAITING FOR HIM AS GARGANO PULLS HIM INTO AN INVERTED SCOOP SLAM, A STANDING MOONSAULT, AND FINALLY A TEXAS CLOVERLEAF (Popularized by Dean Malenko). Rollins screams, Gargano wrenches back so hard he inadvertently breaks the hold himself, allowing Seth to push him into a makeshift pin for the ONE… Johnny kicks and immediately retaliates with a dropkick, pulling Rollins close and managing an STO clean into another pin. Yet again, the Nazi Man Seth Rollins stays living.
The two tumble onto the outside and fire fists into each other's faces. They rage into the crowd and don't even seem to notice. They push each other's shit in. A stray spear from Gargano sends them crashing through the announcer's table and covered in debris. They stand and fight back into the ring, quick paced and as narrowly close as ever. Rollins grows desperate as every single one of his ploys falls flat in the face of Gargano's determination. He grows desperate, petty. He rushes Psycho Kutter, catching Johnny hard and taking him to the ground, slapping him across the face, and then hitting a pitch perfect Powerbomb into a Double Knee Backbreaker ala the Blackheart for the pin. He climbs on top of a hopeless Intercontinental champion and readies himself for another title acquisition in a long career of them. ONE… TWO… TH-NOOOOO!!! Rollins looks down shocked. No time to waste, he tries for more head games this time in the form of a Willow's Ball. ONE… TWO… THR… YET AGAIN, GARGANO SURVIVES! Rollins looks bewildered as Gargano hefts himself up and spits up a toothy grin. He knows these old tricks too well. They don't hurt him anymore.
The two rush towards each other one final time, trading incessant strikes back and forth like fucking machine guns. Seth tries for a Fairy Tale Ending, but Gargano easily reverses out and blasts him with THREE STRAIGHT SUPERKICKS! RUNS THE ROPES ONLY TO TURN RIGHT BACK AROUND INTO A BICYCLE KNEE BY ROLLINS! INTO THE CORNER, SETTING UP FOR THE CURB STOMP! HE RUNS FOR IT BUT JOHNNY DIVES OUT OF THE WAY, STRAIGHT THROUGH THE ROPES! SLINGSHOT ONE FINAL BEAT, BUT ROLLINS CATCHES HIM WITH A PEDIGREE! BUT GARGANO TOSSES ROLLINS OVERHEAD! SLINGBLADE! RIPCORD KNEE RIGHT INTO THE GARGANO ESCAPE! GARGANO ESCAPE IS LOCKED IN! ROLLINS HAS NOWHERE TO GO! HE TAPS, HE TAPS! JOHNNY GARGANO WINS!!!
Johnny Gargano def. Seth Rollins in 22:25 to retain the WWE United States Championship

Retro Joshi #248: AJW March 3, 1994 - Korakuen Crusade
AJW Korakuen Crusade 3/3/1994 Korakuen Hall, Tokyo, Tokyo
Costume action with Takako & Kyoko
Miki Yokoe vs. Kumiko Maekawa (7:43)
There’s been worse rookie matches, neither one can do anything so it was just stretching and tosses. Some of Maekawa’s submissions weren’t too bad. 3/4*
Midget Match: Tomezo Tsunokake vs. Mr. Buddhaman
Next.
Tomoko Watanabe & Chaparrita ASARI vs. Chikako Shiratori & Rie Tamada (14:09)
You’d just skip to the last 10 seconds to see the only part of this match worth seeing as ASARI did the Sky Twister Press properly, a once in a blue moon occurrence. Every house style has its faults, JWP has boring 20 minute midcard matches filled up with stretching that doesn’t go anywhere. Zenjo has this, where they just spam dropkicks until you’re sick of them and fill in time with pointless stretching, and no one sells anything. ASARI is hopeless outside of her high spots, Tamada isn’t that bad but she’s a bit rough and doesn’t have good timing. I can appreciate that Shiratori tries to put some personality into the stretching and looks like she means it, even if she’s not Takako or Ozaki. Watanabe did her high spots at the end with varying degrees of success, she still has the most wooden moonsault on the scene. *1/2
Kaoru Ito & Suzuka Minami vs. Etsuko Mita & Mima Shimoda (18:44)
Ito and Shimoda basically took turns getting worked over. It was a good match, Minami injured her shoulder which caused a blown superplex spot but other than that it was fine. The highlight was Ito going nuts on the outside about halfway through, burying LCO under chairs while Minami had to scurry out of the way, revenge was had soon after. Minami pinned Mita, which was a bit of a surprise given that LCO are challenging for the JWP Tag Titles and had just lose their WWWA Tag Title challenge. ***
Drinking Contest with Mariko Yoshida, Bat Yoshinaga and Aja Kong. Aja gets the ring announcer to take her place.
Takako Inoue vs. Yumiko Hotta (14:39)
Started out with some matwork and then went into the usual Hotta punting massacre and domination. Takako would fire up and try a few things, like boxing, and slapping but she never came off best in those exchanges. There was some good legwork late from Takako but Hotta just came back on the floor and it was forgotten about as they just went into the finishing run. Match was fine, but they were just going through the motions. I liked the post match where Hotta goes for the handshake and Takako swats her hand away first, and then let’s her help her up. **1/2
Sakie Hasegawa vs. Toshiyo Yamada (30:00)
This is submission or KO only, and Sakie isn’t very good at either. Yamada scores the strike and Sakie comes back with a lousy dropkick, which leads to restart. Sakie grabs the leg while Yamada is in the ropes, which she can’t do anything with and Yamada kicks the hell out of her but Sakie catches her with one. She pounces trying to work the leg but Yamada gets the ropes and it’s another restart. They go at it on the mat but can’t make any progress. Sakie tries to trip Yamada but that backfires, they have another go on the mat countering but Yamada is so close to the ropes that when Sakie takes over she just causes the break. Sakie hits a couple of the slingblade type clotheslines and keeps trying to make headway on the mat, but doesn’t make any progress. Yamada shakes it off and they start again. Yamada throws kicks, going for Sakie’s head and back. Yamada has more success with a quasi-dragon sleeper. She breaks that and starts spamming backdrop suplexes, Sakie reverses one but there’s no pins and then Yamada kicks her down again. Another big shot and then she misses a diving brain kick. Sakie hits a German, another one, and then she hits a rolling savate kick. Sleeper but Yamada is in the ropes quickly again. Another three rolling savate kicks, and a uranage. Yamada throws a kick but Sakie easily ducks and dropkicks her to the outside. Plancha and back in, a superplex. Yamada comes back with a brain kick for a double down. They strike each other and go down again. They make it up at 8, Sakie fires off high kicks and knocks Yamada down, then Yamada trips her up and gives her two kicks. She completely whiffs a heel kick, and hits a lariat. Sakie fires up and they have a little scrap, another crappy heel kick seems to win it but Sakie comes back and takes her down. Another sleeper, and apparently it’s the most over move in the match. Double am suplex spam follows that. She does a dragon sleeper and Yamada gets to the ropes. Spin kick from the middle turnbuckle and a head kick puts Yamada down. Yamada’s wobbly and Sakie keeps throwing kicks. Yamada looks like she’s going to fire up so Sakie punts her down with a nice shot. Yamada comes back with a few brain kicks. Yamada goes up and Sakie keeps following her, Yamada shoves her down a few times and hits an elbow smash. Back up again and Sakie stops her this time. Yamada hits back with a lariat. Diving brain kick hits afterward. The selling is great in this, well, they’re potatoing the shit out of each other when they’re not whiffing so that figures. Sakie hits a few slaps and avoids a brain kick. She avoids another kick and dumps Yamada. Another dive, and that wasn’t going to work and she gets kicked on the way down. Sakie avoids another brain kick and goes back to the sleeper, yep, it’s definitely the most over move in the match, the crowd are actually going wild for it. Yamada gets in the ropes though and blocks a uranage. German by Yamada and another brutal kick. Sakie looks dead but comes back with a rolling savate kick and another sleeper. If there’s anything to learn from this match (and the stuff in JWP for that matter), it’s to stop using the sleeper as a pointless hold when the people are buying into it to this degree. Yamada makes the ropes again and they tumble outside with Sakie hanging onto it. They both struggle their way back in, 27 minutes past and Sakie goes for another sleeper but can’t lock it in and Yamada is basically under the ropes anyway. Back up, Yamada whiffs one kick, then scores two good ones to put Sakie down. Another two kicks and Sakie is so glassy eyed, it’s great, she just makes it up at 9, only to get kicked down again. She fires up again slapping, rolling savate kick and a sleeper again but Yamada gets to the ropes. Now Yamada puts the sleeper on and Sakie ges the topes. Backdrop suplex and Sakie takes a sickening bump, landing on her head, it looked really bad and it was right as the time limit was running out. That was quite the potatofest. Any comparisons this has the UWF shootstyle stuff is complete nonsense but as a Zenjo match under submission or KO rules it worked really well. I didn’t care much for the first half but the second half was great once they started working those sleepers and showing their fighting spirit. ****
Bull Nakano & Kyoko Inoue vs. Aja Kong & Manami Toyota (29:18)
Bull & Kyoko double team Toyota to start, and then try to double Aja, which doesn’t work. Aja kills everyone on the outside with chairs. Back in with Kyoko and Toyota, Kyoko hits a boomerang dropkick and Bull comes in, slaughtering Toyota with a lariat for 2. Atomic drop and a sleeper but Toyota gets to the ropes. Kyoko holds Toyota on the ropes for Bull to do some lariats, and everyone’s looking motivated for this. Piledriver gets 2, and it’s over to Kyoko. Fireman’s throw and a Romero Special, with Bull throwing a punt afterward. Toyota comes back with a dropkick and sets up a punt for Aja. Aja throws a splash too and tags in. She runs Kyoko into the turnbuckles and nails Bull. Sleeper. Kyoko gets the ropes and tries to fire back but Aja machine gun strikes her down and it’s back to Toyota to work over Kyoko some more. They do a couple of rounds working her over, she fights out of a Toyota suplex but Toyota gets a small package for 2 and keeps working with an Octopus stretch. Aja continues on and lays into Kyoko with kicks. Aja’s brutal today. Kyoko finally gets the knees up on a dive from Toyota and gets the hot tag to Bull. She puts Toyota in her angelito but Aja breaks that up. Kyoko assists with a double teaming. Bull’s grampus but Aja breaks that up too. Bull’s all over the back and Toyota keeps bridging out just because she can, so Bull puts in a crab. Kyoko comes in and Toyota tries a missile dropkick but gets caught in a Giant Swing for 30 seconds. Kyoko keeps stretching Toyota with a submission I can’t even describe. She prevents the tag and drags her back for Bull to take over on the leg, Toyota tries to hit her way out and bellows, which actually works here because Bull is just brutal, Bull keeps stretching her for about three minutes, and it’s great. Bull whips her and Toyota comes back with a boomerang and tags Aja. Aja puts Bull in the corner and they both dropkick her. Piledriver gets 2. Crab from Aja, and then an STF. Toyota enters wit ha diving headbutt and Kyoko gets the tag. Toyota dropkicks her down, and then comes out of the corner with another dropkick. Kyoko hits a fallaway slam and Bull comes in wounded for a double team but Toyota evades that. Manami roll and Aja comes in for a double which also doesn’t work. Kyoko goes for a diving elbow but Aja dumps her, so Bull dump Toyota, then goes for a tope for Aja cuts her. Toyota does a quebrada from the top turnbuckle. Back in, Toyota misses a moonsault, and avoids a lariat, getting the rolling cradle on Kyoko. Moonsault and her aim wasn’t very good, landing on Kyoko’s head. Japanese Ocean Cyclone Suplex but Kyoko slips out of it. Bull hits a lariat on Kyoko by mistake. Aja comes in with a backdrop for 2, and Kyoko comes back with a boomerang. She tries a piledriver but Aja hits a uraken and a backdrop suplex for 2. Aja goes for a splash but Bull cuts her off and Kyoko hits a rana for 2. Huge lariat from Kyoko and Bull takes over with nunchakus. Bull goes up but Toyota kicks her off, she hits her springboard Plancha but takes out Aja. Back in, Bull goes for a diving but Aja avoids it. Backdrop suplex from Aja gets 2. Toyota goes for the cyclone on Bull but Kyoko cuts it off. Bull tries a lariat but gets caught in a German for 2. Bull’s Poseidon gets 2 as Aja interrupts the pin. Kyoko sets Toyota up and Bull hits the diving legdrop for the win while Kyoko holds Aja back. This was a great, having Bull and Aja around keeps Toyota under control and she was mostly excellent in this match. Kyoko’s face in peril segment probably went too long is the biggest criticism to this. but it didn’t get too tedious. In contrast, Bull’s segment stretching Toyota was the highlight of the match and the finish was great with the nunchakus being used to great effect to get rid of the unkillable monster, Aja. ****1/2

I don't wanna be here anymore
WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Los Matadores w/ El Torito vs. The New Day w/ Xavier Woods Vs. The Usos w/ Naomi vs. Tyson Kidd and Cesaro © w/ Natalya
Kicking the night off right, we have The Tag Title match. The Titles are misplaced before the show so the match is instead contested under the guise of being The 2015 King of The Ring Finals. The New Day make their entrance first, dressed in dark berets and all black outfits. THEY ARE NOT THE BLACK PANTHER PARTY, commentary assures us, THEY ARE A DIFFERENT RADICALLY LEFT GROUP FOCUSED PRIMARILY ON CIVIL RIGHTS THAT IS NOT THE BLACK PANTHER PARTY. The group is arrested by CIA operatives on the spot. The bell rings and the rest of the teams bum rush each other, accidentally performing a sextuple KO and forcing their managers to step in for them.
El Torito runs wild but Naomi refuses to hit a midget. Natalya makes out with her sister. El Torito performs a canadian destroyer and throws Naomi through a table, showing us exactly what being good gets you. Natalya's sister runs the ropes and giggles. El Torito is shot. Naomi crawls back inside and hits a Rear View on Natalya's sister, pinning her only to realize she is not an active competitor. The New Day, now with manifestos, re-enter the ring with a noose and attempt to lynch Natalya. JBL starts masturbating at ringside. He invites Jerry Lawler to join him but Jerry Lawler curls his lip and crosses his arms and shakes his head no. The New Day stand victorious. They salute as the new Kings of The Ring.
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
The competitors make their entrance. Chief among then Damien Mizdow and The Miz and Big Show and The Ryback and Alex Riley and Hideo Itami. Hideo Itami puts on a Mankind costume and coke bottle glasses and starts doing Jimmy Wang Yang stuff. Alex Riley is angry that he has been scorned by The Miz and takes it out on Miz's new muse Damien Sandow. JBL has finally finished. He sits in it. On one side of the collapsed ring, The Ryback has grown hungry and begins to feast. Zack Ryder is the first tribute to our god of desire. Tatanka is screeching over and over again. Big Show tries to knock him out but Tatanka is too fast. The Ryback watches WWE South African RAW striptease videos on his phone.
Alex Riley is doing phantom of the opera. He's got a mask on and he's singing. Sandow and Miz team up to eliminate him together. They feel something deep in their hearts. They almost kiss, but don't. JBL makes a smiley face with his seed puddle. Big Show falls to The Ryback's growing appetite. The Big Guy swallows him with one gulp. Itami, Sandow, and Miz resolve to team up against the growing monster. Hideo Itami tries the Mandible Claw and The Ryback bites his hand straight off. He is consumed within a matter of seconds as Miz and Sandow watch on with horror. The Ryback takes a Cialis so he can impress Brock Lesnar. Miz urges Sandow to run, but Sandow is frozen in place and does nothing to stop Miz from being slowly consumed.
The Ryback is now thirty feet tall and big and fat. Tentacles and tendrils spill from his body and wrap around Sandow's waist, pulling him closer and closer. Tears stream down Sandow's face as he finally meets his cosmic, terrible god. He does not understand. He does not presume to try. He is in the presence of something great. His eyes burn out in the brightness of The Ryback's bald head and he accepts his fate. He is not eaten. He is spared. The Ryback leaves him to live, slowly crawling towards the backstage area as Sandow begs to be consumed from within the ring, unintentionally victorious.
WWE Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match: R-Truth vs. Stardust vs. Luke Harper vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Bad New Barrett ©
The main show has started. It's the IC Title Match. Before anyone else can make his entrance, Dean Ambrose comes out dragging a bag behind him. He reveals that inside the bag is his dad, who he has finally tracked down and is going to murder. Unfortunately Ambrose's father tries to run for it and The Lunatic Fringe is forced to pursue his creator into the crowd. The match starts. Stardust gyrates and singles out the people of color (R-Truth and Dolph Ziggler). R-Truth raps and is mentally handicapped. Daniel Bryan has vertigo and keeps falling over. Michael Cole has put on a diaper and a binky. Dolph Ziggler is orange and he's doing a bad Donald Trump impression that no one will get for another year. Bad News Barrett comes out in an LiJ outfit and throws the IC Title on the ground over and over again as the crowd cheers. Luke Harper is not present, as he is dead. The Cosmic Ryback has killed and eaten him backstage.
There is a ten bell salute for Luke Harper mid-match. Daniel Bryan tries a Flying Headbutt on Bad News Barrett and misses, which triggers a seizure. Barrett suplexes him out of the seizure and thousands of overweight wrestling fans share the gif online. Stardust tries to sexually assault R-Truth, only to be distracted by Cody Rhodes chants courtesy of the audience mid-stalling suplex off the top rope, sending him slipping off the side and both him and Truth careening into the audience, where several people are seriously injured. Ziggler is all alone now, he positions the ladder and begins to climb, ONLY FOR AMBROSE TO APPEAR OUT OF THE AUDIENCE, RECONCILED WITH HIS FATHER AND READY TO GO!
The reunited Ambrose boys repeatedly stab Ziggler, Ambrose performing multiple Wacky Lines on Ziggler in a row in order to ultimately rip The Showoff clean in half. Ambrose cuts the sick, sick guy promo word for word as Ambrose Sr. pulls out Ziggler's intestines and uses them to strangle Barrett. With no one to suplex him, Bryan continues to have a seizure. R-Truth is in the audience fighting an aggrieved father whose baby was hurt in the suplex attempt. Stardust rolls back into the ring and Ambrose hurls homophobic insults at him, only to turn around DIRECTLY INTO A REAR VIEW BY AMBROSE SR. ONCE AGAIN, DEAN AMBROSE HAS BEEN WRECKED BY HIS FATHER!
However, before Ambrose Sr can capitalize, Stardust is able to grab a mic and repeatedly scream "THE AMERICAN DREAM DUSTIN RHODES" into the mic while sobbing uncontrollably, prompting a newly rabid crowd to swarm and trample The Lunatic Fringe's dad. Stardust climbs to the IC Belt and wins it unimpeded, before renouncing the Stardust name and calling out Randy Orton for a match at No Mercy. He waits for ten minutes, openly bawling, for The Viper to answer. The Viper does not.
He walks to the back disappointed and the remainders of Ambrose Sr, Dolph Ziggler, Bad News Barrett, and a still-seizing Bryan to The Cosmic Ryback as tribute.
Seth Rollins w/ J&J Security vs. Randy Orton
It's Rollins' first solo WrestleMania, and the current Mr. Money in The Bank walks out in a full latex gimp suit. He cuts a promo before the match and says he hates indies and poor people. The crowd boos him and he rubs his belly, "Mm mm mm I love the corporate authority I love Triple H I hate Low Ki I hate Chikara." The crowd boo him even harder. They hate Seth Rollins. Randy Orton comes out but he's got a bottle of Henny in his hands and is stumbling back and forth all over the place with reckless abandone. His theme song has been replaced with "Marvins Room" by Drake and he raps along as best he can, making sure to emphasize everytime he drops the N-Word.
The bell rings. Rollins tries to go for a Slingblade but cannot move in the latex and falls on his ass. Orton picks up Rollins and repeatedly shoots on him, dropping him on his head and locking him in a four minute armbar. The ref tries to get him to release it but Orton punches him out, shouting "It's a rib!" at the audience when they start booing. He keeps trying to rib, smearing his own shit onto a piece of toilet and putting it in Seth's pockets before making sure to methodically sexually assault every single woman in the front row that he can reach. With Rollins out of commission, JBL steps up to stop Orton, and the two carry the next ten minutes of the match, switching seamlessly back and forth between headlocks and waistlocks for ten minutes until Orton pulls out a Punt to pop the crowd and take Bradshaw out of commission.
Rollins has recovered by this point, so has the ref, and he catches Orton with an elbow. The two go for that no legendary Curb Stomp into RKO spot, but whiff it due to Randy's intoxicated nature and Seth's immobility. They try it again and again it fails. It takes them sixteen tries to get it right. Ultimately, Orton is finally able to hit the RKO and he proceeds to pin Rollins for twenty seconds straight, celebrating by spitting on the broken Architect and flashing gang signs at the camera. Rollins looks like a little bitch and starts crying. Charles Robinson laughs at him.
Triple H vs. Stingk
This is it baby. WCW Vs. WWE. Finally, finally, a full two decades after the start of the monday night wars and The Invasion years later, we will FINALLY be given a satisfying conclusion to this eternal rivalry. Stingk is already in the ring so we don't have to bother with his tedious shit. Triple H's entrance is performed fully in the nude and he keeps doing DX chops during it. Sting is on crutches and his goatee has gotten offensively long. He attacks Triple H with the crutches but Trips dodges under, slipping comically on the mat and sliding out of the ring like Enzo did that one time. Triple H is hurt but he's gonna fight through it none the less. Sting pulls out brass knuckles and beats Trips so hard with them while the referee isn't looking that The Game starts bleeding. He hits a Burning Hammer, but Trips triumphantly kicks out at one.
Clearly needing help to win this, Sting orders that the NWO come down here and prove that WCW is great. Hulk Hogan, Kevin Nash, and Scott Hall in a wheelchair rush down to the ring and all four men begin tag-teaming Triple H, only for DX to show up and even the odds, beating back The NWO but making sure never to get involved in the actual match or touch Sting. Triple H makes a comeback and hulks up, schooling the entire NWO and then stacking them on top of each other, before crushing Sting with a Pedigree and going for the pin. One… Two… It is broken up, but not by a member of Team WCW. Instead, by AJ STYLES!!! BULLET CLUB IS HERE!
The crowd goes crazy as Kenny Omega, The Young Bucks, Bad Fuck Lale, Marty Scurll (He isn't a member of Bullet Club he's just here), and Cody Hall rush out. Kenny Omega does Dragon Ball Z Super Saiyan shit and gets knocked out immediately with a Sweet Chin Music. X-Pac turns on DX and aligns with WCW. The Young Bucks are easily dispatched by The New Age Outlaws. However, no one in The NWO or DX can seem to deal with Bad Luck Fale, who is just too big and large. He does the height thing and then throws Shawn Michaels into the sun. Marty Scurll turns on AJ Styles mid-run in and hits him with a Rear View, before declaring himself the new leader of Bullet Club. Scott Hall cries as his son, Cody, beats him to death.
In the end, Scurll aligns himself with the heroic Triple H, waking the referee up and allowing H to finally score a successful pin attempt on Raven, who has been passed out for five straight minutes now. The match ends with Triple H, flanked by The New Age Outlaws, Scurll, Fale, and Cody Hall, declaring themselves the new Evolution! WWE has finally defeated WCW.
AJ Lee and Paige vs. The Bella Twins
This is a big match. The Bella Twins know that the alien race colloquially known as Boov from the 2015 hit children's film "HOME" starring Rihanna and the nerd guy from Big Bang Theory are real because they accidentally shot one on one of their family hunting trips in late 2012.
They ride down to the ring in a Hyundai singing Spice Girls and are joined by Daniel Bryan's brother, Nathaniel Bryan. Nathaniel Bryan is awkward and socially maladjusted. The three do carpool karaoke. The match begins when the car accidentally crashes into the side of the ring and collapses one half of it. AJ Lee slides down the side and her leg is crushed under one of the wheels. Brie Bella starts crying. Nikki is forced to enter the slanted ring against Paige alone. The two circle and are about to lock-up when they are suddenly joined in the ring by Fit Finlay. Who will he give the shillelagh to?
Inside the car, Nathaniel Bryan is massaging the fuck out of Brie's shoulders. Finlay gives the shillelagh to Paige because she's Irish. Wait. She's actually English. She beats the fuck out of Finlay and transforms him into her Spudfucker Slave Boy before turning to Nikki Bella, who catches her off guard with a Rear View! One… Two… The pin is broken up by a legless AJ Lee, who passes out from blood loss immediately after. A rabid Spudfucker Slave Boy pounces on Nikki Bella and mauls her to unconsciousness. Brie Bella is counted out due to Nathaniel Bryan's moist, welcoming hands. Paige and AJ Lee win. Spudfucker Slave Boy is euthanized.
WWE US Championship Match: John Cena vs. Rusev © w/ Lana
John Cena comes out in a tank, saluting the flag and setting off numerous fireworks. He condemns communism and says we need to get our troops back into Cuba. People are confused. Rusev comes out with nothing, including Lana, because as Cena says "He is from a mudhole 3rd world country controlled by the fascist Viet kong government." In actuality, it is because his tank was eaten by The Cosmic Ryback backstage. Bradshaw is dragged back to commentary and starts hurling German stereotypes at Rusev. The two have a stiff-as-fuck All Japan style match. It is incredible. Cena wins with a lariat after Rusev is stopped from hitting a Machka Kick by a interfering Lana, who says she has seen the light and wants Cena's strong american seed to birth a generation of super soldiers.
After the match, Lana tries to make out with Cena but he is afraid of her and flees into the safety of his tank, making sure to celebrate his victory by ordering several drone strikes on random locations throughout the audience.
Stephanie McMahon is here
The Authority is here now. Triple H, Stephanie McMahon, and Seth Rollins have fled from a backstage area that has all but been totally consumed by The Cosmic Ryback and come to the ring, where Stephanie McMahon goes into intricate detail about every single sex crime her father, Vince, has ever committed. She then cackles and says no one will ever be able to catch him and that he'll always be in charge. The audience cheers. Triple H kicks Seth Rollins, who has proved to be little more than a feminazi cuck, directly in the balls before threatening to "Fuck your face with your (CENSORED) floss, piss boy" before gifting the MiTB briefcase to the morally flawless Marty Scurll. The Authority then turn around and say that California is smelly and the people suck. Pee-ew!
Ronda Rousey has heard enough. She hops the barricade and chugs strength supplements before locking Stephanie McMahon in an armbar. Enraged, Triple H hits Ronda with a Rear View and begins viciously beating her skull in, only FOR BAD LUCK FALE TO STEP IN AND PICK TRIPLE H UP, TOSSING HIM OVER TO MARTY SCURLL WHO GIVES TRIPLE H A THUMBS DOWN AND HITS A PEDIGREE! Marty Scurll says he doesn't want to part of Triple H's Evolution and that he and THE CLUB are fine on their own. Kid Rock begins performing, Marty Scurll and Bad Luck Fale dancing with him while Rousey holds her fist up in solidarity with the victims of Sandy Hook.
The Undertaker vs. Bray Wyatt
He's comin' home with his neck scratched, to catch flack Sweat jackets and dress slacks, mismatched On his breath's Jack, he's a sex addict And she just wants to exact revenge and get back It's a chess match, she's on his back like a jet-pack She's kept track of all his Internet chats And guess who just happens to be movin' on to the next Actually, just shit on my last chick and she has what my ex lacks 'Cause she loves danger, psychopath And you don't fuck with no man's girl, even I know that But she's devised some plan to stab him in the back Knife in hand, says their relationship's hangin' by a strand So she's been on the web lately Says maybe she'll be my Gwen Stacy, to spite her man And I know she's using me to try to play him, I don't care Hi Suzanne, but I shoulda said "Bye Suzanne" After the first night, but tonight I am.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar ©
And now, the main event. Brock Lesnar comes out first, incredibly impressed by The Cosmic Ryback and now reduced to a big old fatty due to a wealth of stress eating after having looked upon The Big Guy's holy visage and having have survived. Joben comes out missing an arm and is actively bleeding out. Clearly, The Cosmic Ryback was not nearly as kind to him. The two circle each other and the bell rings. REAR VIEW FROM LESNAR! 1-2-3! This thing is over. Paul Heyman cackles in delight and strips off all his close before rolling around on the ground like a Beyblade. Brock Lesnar pulls a mighty sword from within his heart and prepares to finally face The Cosmic Ryback in singles combat, hoping he can vanquish The Monster before it can do too much damage to the waking world.
He goes to walk backstage, only… HE IS ATTACKED FROM BEHIND BY MARTY SCURLL! SCURLL BASHES HIM WITH THE BRIEFCASE BUT LESNAR STAYS STANDING, LEVELING SCURLL WITH AN F5 AND ALMOST BEATING HIM BACK, ONLY TO BE ATTACKED BY SCURLL'S GREATEST FRIEND IN BAD FUCK! HE DOES THE HEIGHT THING! CHOKE SLAM TAKES LESNAR OUT FOR GOOD! MARTY CASHES IN AND GOES FOR THE PIN! ONE-TWO-THREE! MARTY SCURLL IS YOUR NEW WWE CHAMPION!
Scurll has no time to celebrate however, as he is immediately challenged to a World Title match by the final survivor of WWE's backstage area, Daniel Bryan, who rushes out and says he wants a five star match right now. Scurll, ever the upstanding and ethical guy, accepts, and the fans go crazy as they prepare to see the guy who they wanted to main event WrestleMania main event WrestleMania.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: Daniel Bryan vs. Marty Scurll © w/ Bad Luck Fale
This match is four hours long and it's all The LaBell Lock. Scurll tries to escape it by hitting Bryan with a Discus Elbow, but Bryan falls on his head and, with no Wade Barrett around to save him, dies for good. Scurll pins the corpse and he and Fale celebrate his first successful title defense, ONLY FOR THE ROOF OF THE BACKSTAGE AREA TO SUDDENLY COME OFF! THE RYBACK IS HERE! HE HAS GROWN TO IMMEASURABLE LENGTHS AND NOW LOOMS LARGE OVER THE WHOLE OF LEVI'S STADIUM!
Wind sweeps through the arena and people go flying through the air. Some have their eyes melted from their sockets, some catch on fire immediately. The God of Hunger's shadow stretches far over the plains of The Golden State, and truly the world at large for that matter. He has finally awoken. He is not angry. Not sad. Not mellow or overjoyed or consumed by any overwhelming emotion. This is simply what he is. A raw, uncontrollable entity of destruction. This is his nature. He feels nothing as thousands die beneath his feet. Lesnar awakes, tries to grab his Soulsword, but he is grabbed up like an ant in the fingers of The Ryback and consumed before he can. Scurll watches on from below, hair sweeping back over his head, face contorting evermore in horror as Bad Luck Fale is crushed into a tiny ball behind him. All his life and he never could've imagined.
It is beautiful. He screams. It is beautiful. He screams. It is beautiful. He screams.
He screams.
Join us tomorrow night for Monday Night RAW.

We come back from break, and open on Teddy Coronado, mic in hand and rookie tag team Golden State Stars by his side. His theme is playing in the background.
Teddy: Right, so last week didn’t work out too well for me. How the hell was I supposed to know that Andy would show up with a random boot.
Boos open up in the crowd.
Teddy: Framing me for something I didn’t do, and showing everyone that he can’t take the fact that I’m better than he ever will be.
Boos continue to rain down on Teddy as he continues.
Teddy: But, not to worry. The Coronado Challenge will continue. I will take on whoever comes through that curtain, every single week. Because I know for a fact that there isn’t a single person who can take me, or my friends o-
An odd, yet familiar sound cuts Teddy off Suddenly, two people in masks burst through the curtain, with two men behind them without. The crowd half doesn’t know what’s going off, a quarter disinterested and the last bit...
Woodbridge: YES!!
are losing their shit.
Paisner: What the fuck is going on. That’s...that’s Felix and Andrew...and Mujer Dragon? AND IVAN VON KOLLOF!? THE MAN DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A WIKI PAGE, WHY’S HE HERE?
Andrew puts a mic to his face. The music dies off.
Andrew: Listen, I’m a humble man. One might even say, too humble. If I had truly lost to you, I would have shaken your hand, raised it up high, the whole nine yards. But that’s not what happened all those weeks ago, because apparently fighting like an actual wrestler isn’t your forte.
Crowd: Ooooooooooo...
Andrew: So I tried to speak my mind last week, and to my surprise, it seems as tho everyone agrees. Everyone agrees in my side of the story, including our boss. Our boss who gave me another shot to beat you down like I was supposed to do at the last PPV. And since neither of us can get at each other till then, as you brought your mooks along, I have a better idea.
Andrew puts the mic under his armpit and grab something from his pocket.
Andrew: ^{for... for} one night only...
He pulls out a mask from his pocket and proceeds to put it on. He put the mic back in his hand and continues.
Andrew: For one night only, we might as well goof off, and beat your ass at the same time. Like good old times. Gentlemen ^{and Mujer,} beat that nibba ass.
The four march towards the ring, as Javier does their introduction.
Javier: Answering The Coronado Challenge, accompanied by Andrew Garcia, the team of Felix Garcia, Mujer Dragon and Ivan von Kollof-Garcia. LOCO!
The three slide into the ring, as Andrew looks at Teddy with daggers in his eyes. Teddy heads to him, and the two stare each other down.
DING DING DING
Felix grabs at Teddy’s back from behind and hits him with a backcracker. He flops into the air and lands to his side, before getting up onto his knees, and heading to Cooper for the tag. He rolls out of the ring and stare at the inside, still on his knees.
Cooper and Felix go at it, with the two locking up. Cooper sends him to the ropes in short time, before irish whipping him to the other side. Drop toe hold send the average sized man down, as he then jump onto Felix’s back. He grabs at the back of his head and starts scrubbing his face onto the mat. While technically not an illegal move, Walt still goes to check on the two. Cooper lets go after a while, and picks him up by his hair. An act that calls for a 5 count.
1...
2...
3...
Cooper lets go and starts balking at the ref. He goes back to Felix, picking him up by his armpits and whipping him back to the ropes. As he rebounds back, he grabs him and pick him up for a bearhug. Felix squirms in the air a bit, before hitting him with non-DQable 10-4 elbow strikes. He lets go and the two land on the floor. They get up to their knees, and Cooper tries to get him back up for another move. Felix hits him in the stomach with an elbow, followed by another. As he gets himself back on his feet he takes it to him with punches in quick succession. He pushes him back and strikes him with an elbow to the face. Cooper buckles back as Felix hits the ropes on his own term. He bounces back off and as e makes it back to Cooper, he eats a big boot to the face.
He rags Felix’s over to his team’s corner. He tags to Levine, as Teddy is still frozen in place in the corner, staring directly at Andrew, who has his eyes on the match.
Woodbridge: Tag to Levine, making some space to kick his feet up on the top turnbuckle. Cooper picking Felix off the ground, lifts him over his head. Snake eyes onto the boots.
Crowd: Booooooooooooo
Levine gets in. He grabs Felix and deadlifts him on his shoulders before march around the ring. He stops in the center of the ring, and drops him with a one armed Alabama Slam. He then flatten him with a Big Roid Boy Senton and goes for the pin.
1..
2..
3-NO!
Felix kicks out, as he rolls over to his stomach. He crawls towards his team and grabs the hand of Ivan, who drags him into the corner. Tag made to Ivan, who leaps into the ring and goes after him. Shoulder tackle to Levine, sends him buckling backwards. He bounces off the ropes and hits Levine with a lariat. He flips him off his back and onto his knees before hitting him with a hook kick to the cheek.
Crowd: Wooo!
Levine slumps over face first, as Ivan flips over to his back and lifts him up for a german with the cover.
1...
2...
Levine kicks out. As Ivan gets up, he’s met with a dropkick by Cooper. He clatters onto the ground, as Cooper gets Levine back up to his feet. The two grabs him back up and go to work. They whip him onto the corner, Cooper dropping to the floor for a trip. Ivan leaps over that and Levine picks him up for a flapjack on the other side. As he comes down, Cooper heads towards them and hits Ivan in the jaw with an european uppercut. Levine rolls onto his stomach, flipping him over, before getting back up and spinning him around with a giant swing.
Paisner: Round and round we goooooo!
The two spin at the center of the ring, as the swing gets faster with every rotation. The crowd loses count after a while, and the Levine slows it to halt. Leading to Cooper hitting Ivan with a senton of his own. Levine flips him off his back and picks him up to his feet, before tucking his head into Ivan’s armpit and grabbing his leg. Cooper grabs hold of him from the opposite side and the two lift him up into the air. They parade with the prone Russian, as boos and light chuckles fill the air. They stop after a bit and drop him onto their knees with a double atomic drop.
Woodbridge: Spectacular tag work by the Stars. As Mujer gets into the action.
As Ivan rolls out of the ring, Mujer gets picks up and hits with a snap powerslam by Levine. He springs back up and points to Cooper, who has a hand raised as well.
Paisner: Oh, this might be the end for LOCO. Rock, Paper...
The two throw their hands down to pick who takes the bomb. Cooper wins, Scissor to Paper. He grabs Levine and sets him up for a bomb. He lifts him up and drops him onto Mujer’s chest, nearly crushing her. He then squashes the two with a senton before going for the double pin.
1...
2...
3...
DING DING DING
Andrew hangs his head in shame.
Jaiver: Time of the fall, 7:24. Your winners via pinfall, he Golden State Stars and Teddy Coronado!
Teddy cracks a smile on his face, and slides into the ring. A the Stars rolls off Mujer, he shoves her out of the ring, and turns to his boys. Felix and Ivan crawl over to Andrew.
Paisner: Not only did LOCO’s efforts go in vain, but this adds to Teddy’s theory.
Woodbridge: If anything, this can only mean one thing for Dragon. At Please Don’t Torrent This, if he wants to do something right, he’s gotta do it himself. At this point, it’s up to himself to avenge his brother, his family, and the fans. And there's no shortcuts to it, unfortunately.
Paisner: Hey Woodbridge...doesn’t Felix have a bad back or something.
Woodbridge: Man healed it in a month the last time. Wrestler’s have weird healing factors, I guess. He’s probably not gonna try that again, though.
Paisner: No, of course not, the man got legit squashed.
Teddy and the Golden State Stars quickly head to the back, as Andrew helps all of his team to the back, as they also disappear behind the curtain as then...
The lights flicker for a second as Neon Rebels starts blasting through the sound system.
Woodbridge: Hm, I don’t remember this on the card.
Paisner: Remember! This match is part of the agreement for Carson bailing out Eric. In return Eric has to wrestle an opponent of his choosing!
Woodbridge: I don’t like the sound of this…
Eric enters with a cross-body laptop bag while typing away on plain but durable laptop.
Woodbridge: No rest for the weary… or arrested.
Javier: The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit! Your referee is WiR Senior Official Tai Ni Wong!
Paisner: Javier’s just a tad late with the announcing here! Maybe impromptu matches aren’t his strong point.
Javier: First, coming in from Silicon Valley, he weighed in today at 240 pounds and stood at 5’11”... he is ERIC APPELBAUM!**
Crowd: Woo!!!
Paisner: Looks like the fans still love Eric!
Woodbridge: But who’s his opponent?
As Eric is handing his laptop to the timekeeper, The Hungarian National Anthem blares as The Well Hungarian walks toward the ring.
Javier: And his opponent… weighing in at 294 pounds and standing at 6’4”, he hails from Budapest, Hungary… THE WELL HUNGARIAN!
Crowd: BOOOOOOO!!!!!
The Well Hungarian waves the Hungarian flag while he walks to the ring before dropping it off by the timekeeper.
DING DING DING
The two square off in the ring.
Woodbridge: What a strange choice of opponent…
Eric and The Well Hungarian lock up in a collar-and-elbow tie. The two vye for dominance momentarily before Eric gets pushed into the turnbuckle.
Paisner: The Hungarian using his weight to his advantage!
Tai Ni Wong: Hey! Break! 1! 2!
The Well Hungarian releases his hold on Eric and the two stare eye-to-eye.
Tai Ni Wong: Break!
The Hungarian takes a step back before lunging forward with a wild punch! Eric ducks under, swapping their positions. He cracks The Well Hungarian across the jaw with an open-hand strike before backing off.
The Well Hungarian rubs his jaw for a moment before lunging at Eric again. However, before The Hungarian can throw a punch, Eric steps forward with a lariat.
1!
2!
Kickout!
Eric quickly gets up and pick up The Well Hungarian into a powerbomb position. He clubs him across the back. The Hungarian goes to a knee. Eric tries lifting him into the Logic Bomb, but The Hungarian is too heavy! Back body drop!
Paiser: Eric tried to end the match too quickly and is now feeling it.
Woodbridge: It’s never good news fighting The Well Hungarian. It’s even worse when you know Sonny is somewhere pulling strings.
The Well Hungarian looks left and right before grinning. He starts gyrating and touching himself.
Paisner: Looks like The Hungarian is feeling it!
Woodbridge: I’m not looking.
He bounds off the ropes and goes for the splash. Eric rolls away, narrowly avoiding getting squashed. Eric gets up and enters a strongly angled stance. He waits for his opponent to get up. As soon as The Well Hungarian makes it to his feet and turns to face Eric, The Well Hungarian eats a savate kick.
Paisner: Payload, baby!
The Well Hungarian is wobbling on his feet, clearly stunned. Eric wastes no time and pulls him into a front facelock before spiking him with a DDT
Woodbridge: Right on the head! Just not the one Mr. Hungarian likes to use.
Instead of going for the pin, Eric pulls The Well Hungarian into a powerbomb position. He cracks his neck and lifts the Hungarian onto his shoulders.
Suddenly, Parade Music hits as Sonny Carson comes out. Behind him is a young boy in wrestling merchandise.
Paisner: Oh come on…
Sonny: And Timmy, this here is the ring, where we see the big Well Hungarian against… Hey! Oh my God! Eric, what are you doing here? Don’t you have something to say? Wouldn’t want you violating your probation rules…
Eric looks at Sonny before quickly dropping The Well Hungarian. He rolls out of the ring and grabs a mic.
Eric: As per my pending probation, I must let you know that I am being investigated as a potential sexual offender. As such, I cannot let be within 50 feet of a child. The ring is approximately twenty feet in length.
Eric sighs and tosses the microphone towards the ringpost.
Woodbridge: Oh come on!
Timmy runs to the back and Eric gets back in the ring.
Sonny: Look what you did, Eric! I was giving Timmy a personal tour and you had to ruin it!
Sonny returns to the back, sneering.
The Well Hungarian shakes some cobwebs from his head before noticing that Eric’s back is turned to him and his opponent is clearly distracted by Sonny. Roll up!
1!
2!
3--Kickout!!
Paisner: The last possible split second. Imagine how Eric would feel if he lost to The Well Hungarian!
The two get up at the same time. The Well Hungarian swings his arm to signal a lariat and rushes at Eric. Before he can hit, Eric meets him with an open-hand left followed by a right followed by a spinning backfist!
Woodbridge: Null Pointer Exception! Sure that’s a missing tooth!
The Well Hungarian falls like a sack of bricks. However, Eric doesn’t go for the pin. Instead he circles behind The Well Hungarian, staying in his blind spot as he slowly gets up. Appelbaum quietly and continuously beckons The Hungarian to get up. As soon as The Hungarian gets to a vertical base, Eric leaps up and hooks both of his opponent’s arms in a crucifix.
Paiser: Zero Day Exploit!
Parade Music sounds through the arena, again. Sonny, this time, has a little girl with him.
1!
Sonny: And this, Mandy, is the illustrious Wrestling is Reddit ring! You can see we have two great competitors…. HEY! HEY! WHAT THE HELL, ERIC?!?!
Mandy cringes at Sonny swearing.
Eric quickly unhooks himself from The Well Hungarian and rolls toward the mic.
Eric: Oh come on… As per my pending probation, I must let you know that I am being investigated as a potential sexual offender. As such, I cannot let be within 50 feet of a child. The ring is approximately twenty feet in length.
Eric swears under his breath before placing the mic against another ring post as Mandy starts crying and runs away with Sonny “consoling” her.
Bam!
Pappa-Paprika! And again! And again!
Paisner: Oh jeez, The Well Hungarian is going to stomp a hole through Eric. Who knew he’d be this much trouble.
Eric weathers a few more stomps before mustering enough strength to push The Well Hungarian off him. Appelbaum supports himself with the turnbuckles. The Well Hungarian rushes at Eric again, hoping third time’s the charm. Exhausted, Eric leans forward with a shoot punch, though clearly most of the power comes from The Hungarian running into Eric’s fist.
The opening beats of Parade Music hits again as Eric loudly swears and starts groping for the mic. Sonny is nowhere to be seen.
Paisner: Fake out!
The Well Hungarian, though still dazed from the punch, sees the opportunity with Eric’s back once again to him. He yells something in his mother tongue and lifts up Eric. Goulash Rack torture rack! Eric yells in pain as The Well Hungarian has, for once, sunk in his finishing hold!
Woodbridge: Oh Jesus Christ, is Eric gonna tap out?!
Tai Ni: Give up?
Eric: No!
Eric struggles and kicks until The Well Hungarian drops him. Eric quickly spins The Well Hungarian around before crushing his skull with a skull-thuddening Bash!
Woodbridge: I think I’m gonna be sick. Again.
Eric lifts up The Well Hungarian into a powerbomb position… Parade Music, again! The crowd boos loudly. Eric ignores the music for a second and slams The Well Hungarian with a Logic Bomb. However, Eric doesn’t go for the pin. He look at the entrance for a second while the music is still playing before rolling toward the timekeeper. He grabs his laptop and starts typing away while feverishly glancing upwards both to the non-moving Hungarian and also to the entrance ramp. A camera tries to glance at what Eric’s doing but only sees command line gibberish. Just as Eric starts pounding furiously on the enter key, Sonny Carson comes out with a line of kids tailing him. Sonny’s smirking.
Sonny: You know the drill. You gotta tell each and everyone one of ‘em, Eric.
Paisner: He’s not even trying anymore!!
As if on cue, a robotic voice cuts off Parade Music.
Computer: Per Eric’s pending probation, he must let every minor know that he is currently under investigation for being a sexual offender. As such, he cannot be within 50 feet of a child. Warning: the ring is approximately 20 feet in length!
The voice continually loops as Eric grins at Sonny before mouthing “fuck you” to him.
**Sonny: No fair!
He runs off with the kids in tow.
Eric dives back into the ring as The Well Hungarian is just finally making it to his hands and knees. Eric quickly jumps onto The Well Hungarian and hooks both his arms before cranking on his neck.
Paisner: Segmentation Fault!
The Well Hungarian furiously starts tapping out.
DING DING DING
**Javier (competing against the computer voice): And your winner at 10:21, by submission… ERIC APPELBAUM!
Crowd: ERIC! ERIC! ERIC!
Eric raises his hand in victory before grabbing his laptop and heading towards the back. The “warning” still plays until Eric disappears behind the curtain.
Woodbridge: Well I’m sure that was tougher than any of us suspected…
Well Hungarian is quickly helped out by refs to the back, as just a few seconds after Hungarian gets to the back..
The crowd erupts in hatred as Domo23 by Tyler, the Creator plays.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!
Sierra Briggs and Buster Bravado come out of the entranceway, both visibly tired and irritated.
Paisner: Just yesterday, post House Party footage was released, containing a dangerous car chase between the BB, not including the C, and the Warlords! An estimated 39 people are currently in the hospital!
Bravado and Briggs enter the ring, pelted with trash. Bravado grabs a mic from Javier, as backstage workers come out and try to clean the ring.
Bravado: Well, we’ve just had a WONDERFUL week, lemme tell you all! My boy, Charlie, is in the hospital because someone thought that powerbombing him through a fucking table was a good idea! Then I got my car wrecked by the same heathen that injured my friend, and some vanilla loser! Then I went to prison!
Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYYY!
Bravado: On the bright side…
Bravado and Briggs raise their tag titles high.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Woodbridge: I mean, they aren’t wrong.
Bravado: Longest reigning tag champs of all time, baby! Better than every other tag team in WiR! These titles represent prestige, honor, and teamwork! However, now they represent the giant gaper that WiR has thanks to the BBC!
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!
Paisner: Ew.
Bravado and Briggs stand proudly, as trash starts to fill the ring.
Bravado: God, you guys are wasteful! Anyway, we, the BBC or the BB, thanks to Stephen Romero, are better than every tag team, every tag title winner, everyone in WiR!
Crowd: WE DIS-AGREE! WE DIS-AGREE! WE DIS-AGREE!
Bravado: Better than Los Chongas, better than World’s Sexiest Tag Team, better than SUENO! Override, Team Best Ship, Appetite for Revelation, Nation of Miscegenation! Tapout Kings, The Strays, The Moonshine Boys, The Coffee Boys, Los Ingos, the Young Cards, better than them too! We are better than Faye and Bitch, the New Blood, Young Cucks, Equillibrium, and most certainly better than those motherfuckin’, cocksuckin’, boyfuckin’ WARLOR-
Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes kicks in, to the absolute joy of the crowd.
Crowd: YAYYYYYYYY! WARLORDS! WARLORDS! WARLORDS!
Stephen Romero and Robert Warlock walk out, microphones in their hands. They are all business, clearly disgruntled by the BB’s actions from last week.
Romero: Woah, woah, woah! Buster, Sierra, if you want to disrespect all of these great tag teams, and the Strays, I plead you to ask yourself, what was the last time you won without cheating?
Buster angrily glares at the Warlords.
Bravado: Well, what about that time where we beat the Coffee Boys?!
Romero: No disrespect to the Coffee Boys, but it should be a pretty easy win. However, you and Krieger somehow had a competitive match with them, so…
Crowd: YAYYYY! COFF-EE BOYS! COFF-EE BOYS!
Romero shrugs, as Buster stomps angrily.
Bravado: Listen here, fucko! What do you want? You clearly have a motive! What do you want?! Money? Power? Sex?!
Romero: Buster, you know what we want.
Romero points at the titles slung over Bravado and Sierra’s shoulders. Bravado looks at his title, before dropping it and stepping in front of it.
Bravado: YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ SHIT! Besides! You still need to pay for every penny, every dime of damage that YOU TWO TROUBLEMAKERS caused!
Romero: What damage? The car chase that you two instigated?!
Bravado: Exactly! And Krieger’s medical bills, and the damages to buildings, and the police ticket, and the charges for everything! My car! Your car! EVERYTHING! All of it!
Romero and Warlock look at each other, before looking back at Bravado.
Romero: Look, we’ll see what we can do. How much does it cost?
Bravado walks forward, staring at Romero, angrily.
Bravado: One-hundred grand, and five cents.
Romero and Warlock’s eyes go wide.
Woodbridge: Jesus, that’s astronomical.
Romero: Give me a minute.
Romero and Warlock huddle up, as Bravado and Briggs make small talk.
Paisner: What could they possibly be planning?
Woodbridge: Doesn’t Krieger have insurance?
Paisner: Shhh…
Romero and Warlock break.
Romero: Okay, guys. We have a proposition. We get a title shot at Don’t Torrent This…
Woodbridge: They forgot the “Please!”
Romero: ...and whoever loses has to pay every nickel of that lump of debt. Sound good?
Crowd: YAYYYYYY!
Buster and Sierra look at each other and talk.
Bravado: But we already beat you!
Romero: Okay, fair enough. You have beat us, clean or not.
Warlock: But we can remedy that! We bet we can beat you, not once, but two times!
Bravado stares at Warlock.
Bravado: I’m listening.
Warlock: At Please Don’t Torrent This, tag title match, loser pays damages, Warlords vs the BBC, two out of three falls!
Crowd: YAYYYYYYYY! DO-IT, NO-BALLS! clapclapclapclapclap DO-IT, NO BALLS! clapclapclapclapclap
Buster and Sierra smugly smile.
Bravado: Fine, you got your match. We can’t wait to beat both of you twice!
The Warlords nod, before exiting the entranceway.
Crowd: YAYYYYYYYY!
Paisner: We got here, folks! At Please Don’t Torrent This, it will be the Warlords taking on the BB! And don’t go anywhere, because after this break is our main event of the night!
COMMERCIAL
Down Rodeo by Rage Against The Machine starts to play as we come back from our commercial break.
Woodbridge: Well, this isn’t our main event, but it looks like Austin Balandran has something to say!
Balandran: Cut the fucking music.
The music suddenly cuts, and Austin Balandran throws the curtain open, throwing it behind him, walking toward.
Balandran: For the past. THREE. WEEKS. THREE. FUCKING. WEEKS, I’ve been out here, speaking the truth about our current Independent Champion, Miles Alpha.
Cheers erupt as Balandran continues.
Balandran: At first...I wanted to just drive him out of hiding. I wanted to ruffle his feathers, let him come out on his own time. But now? Now I’m not waiting anymore.
Balandran slides in the ring. He continues.
Balandran: I’m not beating around the bush anymore. ALPHA. GET OUT HERE. RIGHT NOW.
The crowd cheers, hoping for a confrontation.
Paisner: Looks as if Austin Balandran wants some action tonight!
Woodbridge: But is Miles Alpha here, Allen?
Rebel Yell by Billy Idol starts to play as the crowd starts to boo. Balandran looks at the curtain, getting more and more pissed.
Paisner: Well, Miles Alpha, this is not.
Woodbridge: What is Derrok Bishop doing? He has no business being out here.
Bishop: Excuse me for interrupting your little crusade, Austin, but I have an announcement that people here actually care about.
Crowd boos. Bishop ignores it, and drinks it in.
Bishop: Yes! Give me your energy!
Crowd boos louder. Bishop continues.
Bishop: Anyways, my announcement…
Bishop slides into the ring, totally ignoring Balandran. He continues his announcement.
Bishop: I, Derrok Bishop, am the NEW number one contender for the WiR Undisputed Independent Championship! THANK YOU! THANK YOU ALL!
Crowd boos as Austin Balandran looks extremely confused.
Paisner: Wait...what?
Balandran speaks.
Balandran: Derrok...I don’t know how badly your brain is damaged, but if anyone’s the number one contender...it’s me.
Bishop: Oh really? Especially after you lost the number one contender match? Especially since you’ve done absolutely nothing since “Are Hot Dogs Sandwiches?” Please. Get out of my ring, before you do something you’ll regret.
Balandran thinks for a moment, then gets right in Bishop’s face.
Balandran: Turns out I’ve never been too smart. So go ahead.
Crowd starts to cheer, ready for them to tear each other apart.
???: WOAH WOAH WOAH! HOLD UP A MINUTE, SON!
Out from the curtains walks Russell Sharp. He stands at the top of the walkway as the crowd cheers.
Sharp: It appears that we have an issue. On one hand, we have Austin Balandran, who has been nothing short but impressive lately. Then we have Derrok Bishop, whose win loss record is also...impressive. Even holding a win over Dalidus Nova when he was the independent champion. I know how bad both of y’all want a shot at the Independent Championship, so here’s what I’m gonna do. At “Please Don’t Torrent This” it’s gonna be Derrok Bishop…
The crowd boos as Bishop celebrates like he already won the match.
Sharp: Going one on one…...with Austin Balandran!
The crowd cheers as Austin smirks as Bishop’s celebration ends suddenly.
Sharp: And the winner will become the official Number One Contender for the Independent Title, you feel me?
Crowd: YYYEAAAHHHHH!!!
Paisner: What an announcement from Russell Sharp! It’s Not quite what these men wanted, but it’s an opportunity, nonetheless!
Woodbridge: It’s going to be an exciting matchup for sure at Please Don’t Torrent This!
Paisner: It’ll be Balandran vs. Bishop, and the winner will become the Number One Contender for the Independent Gold! I can’t wait!
Both Balandran and Bishop then head backstage, as we see Javier get into the ring, mic in hand, ready to announce.
Javier: Ladies and Gentlemen: this following bout is your MAIN EVENT of the night, scheduled for one fall! Your official will be Mia So Hung!
Paisner: Here it comes, Mark! Dalidus Nova takes on Juggernaut, and Dalidus is expected to be out for vengeance here tonight.
Woodbridge: You're damn right! Let's take a look at the action that's happened since last week for more details.
We cut from the arena feed, into a replay of recent events, starting with Nova's make-a-wish day with Timmy Tumor.

we see Dalidus' friend: James Ivory.
Judge: We now call to the stand the Psychologist on Mr. Ivory's case: Dr. Julius Sacraw.
Dalidus: Oh no. Oh nononofucknonono.
Julius Sacraw, wearing a professional outfit, walks up to the microphone. With a loud, clear voice, he begins his case.
Julius: To put it simply: James Ivory is incredibly mentally unstable. After doing tests with Mr. Ivory for the past three weeks, and he shows signs directly related to that of a psychopath. He is pleading innocence, but he should be pleading insanity.

Paisner: And from here, in a twisted turn of events, Julius Sacraw would put Nova's long-time friend James Ivory in a psychiatric facility, calling him mentally insane!
Woodbridge: Non-surprisingly, Dalidus would call out Julius, telling him that he will go through whoever he puts in front of him in order to get his hands on Julius. And tonight, the two will finally be in the same place together, as Julius accompanies Juggernaut to the ring!
Lukring plays, and out from behind the curtain, walking slowly with Julius Sacraw behind him: Juggernaut.
Javier: Now entering the ring: standing at 5 feet 10 inches and weighing 295 pounds: from A Place Without Light: JUUUUGGGEEERNNAAUUUT!
Juggernaut stands in the ring, as Julius walks over to the side opposite of the curtain. His music is cut and replaced with No Limits, as without an introduction, Dalidus Nova rushes the ring!
Paisner: Ring the bell, he's coming in hot!
DING DING DING
Dalidus slides under the bottom rope and runs right past Juggernaut, instead reaching over the ropes, trying to grab at Julius. However, Juggernaut quickly gets behind him, wrapping his arms around Nova before throwing him backward with a vicious German Suplex!
Crowd: Booooo!
But Nova doesn't stay down, quickly rolling back to his feet! He charges at the much bigger man, but Juggernaut bobs low, and picks Dalidus right into a Fireman's Carry!
Paisner: The incredible strength of Juggernaut!
Woodbridge: Nova's in trouble!
Dalidus, thinking quick, starts to drive elbows into Juggernaut's temple, dazing his opponent enough that he can slide off his shoulders! Nova lands on his feet in front of Juggernaut, and delivers a quick kick to his midsection, keeling his opponent. Nova then wraps an arm around Juggernaut's neck, pulling his head downwards into an impactful DDT!
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOH! NO-VA! NO-VA! NO-VA!
Paisner: The crowd is fully behind Dalidus tonight, unsurprisingly!
Woodbridge: Juggernaut isn't staying down though!
Juggernaut gets to a knee and shakes off the cobwebs. He looks up at Dalidus, who signals to him with a "come here" gesture, baiting his opponent to attack. Juggernaut obliges and starts to come at Nova, but Dalidus attacks at him first, striking Juggernaut across the chest with a Lariat!
Crowd: Woooooooo!
Juggernaut stumbles but doesn't fall. Dalidus sees this, and runs back towards the ropes, hitting off them hard, and running back at Juggernaut for a second Lariat!
Crowd: Wooooooooooooooo!
Again, Juggernaut doesn't fall! He wobbles on his feet, and Dalidus runs back towards the ropes once again! He hits with momentum and rushes at his opponent. However, as he extends his arm for the third lariat, Juggernaut catches him and spins him through the air, before spiking Nova into the mat with a Spinning Powerslam!
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Paisner: Hate to admit it, but that was a a beautiful Powerslam!
With Nova down, Juggernaut wastes no time in hooking the leg, as Mia So Hung drops to the mat to begin the count!
1...!
2...!
But Dalidus kicks out forcefully, and Juggernaut quickly pulls himself off of his opponent. He gets to his feet and grabs a large handful of Nova's hair, before starting to pull him up!
Woodbridge: Well this is just unnecessary!
Slowly, Juggernaut is able to get Nova up, but before he can capitalize, Dalidus swings an arm down, breaking Juggernaut's grasp. He then swings a quick left elbow at Juggernaut's jaw, before striking again with a stiff right elbow to his face!
Crowd: OOOOOOOH!
Juggernaut brings a hand to his face, and Dalidus takes a few steps backward while Juggernaut is dazed. With a yell, Dalidus runs at him, leaping into the air and swinging around him and pulling him into the canvas with a Slingblade!
Paisner: Dalidus nailing Juggernaut with his signature slingblade!
Woodbridge: And look, Allen! He's starting to climb the ropes!
As Juggernaut slowly makes his way off the canvas, Dalidus steps onto the ring apron, before walking to the turnbuckle and starting to climb! He makes it all the way to the top pad, and balances carefully, waiting for Juggernaut to get fully up.
Woodbridge: WaitWaitWait! Julius, what the hell is he doing?!
Julius is seen at the turnbuckle behind Nova, where he grabs Dalidus' foot and pulls it off the pad, causing him to stumble awkwardly, trying to stay in position. Juggernaut sees his masters intervention, and swiftly gets himself over to Nova, chopping out his opponents other leg! Dalidus falls into a seated position on the pad, and Juggernaut pulls him off in a Fireman's Carry!
Paisner: Juggernaut's got Nova caught again!
Woodbridge: And I don't think Nova's gonna be able to fight out this time!
Juggernaut heaves and throws Dalidus off his shoulders with a Fireman's Carry Cutter, But Nova manages to land on his feet behind him! Dalidus jumps up behind him, and dropkicks Juggernaut in the back, sending him forwards and his head crashing into the top turnbuckle!
Crowd: Ooooooooooh!
Woodbridge: Miraculously, Nova's escaped again!
Paisner: And he looks to take control of things here!
As Nova backs up for a running start, Juggernaut turns around in the corner, resting his back against the pads. This leaves himself vulnerable, however, for Nova to lunge at him with a Corner Spear!
Crowd: Yeeeaaahhhh!
Woodbridge: That'll crack your ribs!
In a burst of momentum, Dalidus rolls backward, as Juggernaut takes weary, pained steps away from the turnbuckle. By the time he looks up, it's too late to realize that he walked right into position for Nova to take his head off with a Shotgun Kick!
Paisner: SUPERNOVA! Dalidus hit it, and Juggernaut is down!
Woodbridge: That's it! All Nova needs to do is cover him!
Dalidus starts to crawl towards Juggernaut, and gets on top of him, hooking his right leg. As Mia So Hung drops to the canvas to begin the count, Nova looks right at Julius, who gives a dirty, angered look in return.
1…!
2…!
3…!
DING DING DING!
Crowd: YEEEAAAAHHHHHH!
Javier: The winner of this match via pinfall, at a time of 11:42... DAAALIIIDUUUS NOOOVAAAA!
No Limits plays, as Juggernaut rolls out of the ring. Dalidus’ hand is raised by Mia, and he requests Javier’s mic.
Dalidus: Julius: you take your punk ass sidekick and get out of here, because I’ve got something to say!
Crowd: WOOOOOOOOO!
Julius looks furiated at first, but his demeanor sudden shifts to a calm, soft look. Dalidus, however, pays no attention to it, focusing entirely on his words. As Nova’s theme music dies down, he starts to speak.
Dalidus: As I’m sure you’re all aware, a few weeks ago I lost my Undisputed Independent Championship to Miles Alpha. And, as I’m sure you’re all well aware: Miles has been nowhere to be seen ever since winning the title!
The crowd quiets, trying to hear what Nova is saying over the fairly-cheap microphones. Meanwhile, out of the corner of the camera, we see Julius and the slightly-dazed Juggernaut walking away from the ring.
Dalidus: Well, last night I received a phone call from Mr. Russell Sharp. And he told me that if Alpha doesn’t find himself an opponent for Do Not Torrent This by July 8th, than the championship will be handed back to me!
The crowd murmurs, displeased with the thought of the title being stripped from Alpha without him losing it fairly.
Dalidus: However: I know that Miles beat me for the Undisputed Independent Championship, and so I want a legitimate, simple one-on-one match at Do Not Torrent This between myself and Miles for the title!
Crowd: YEEAAAHHHH!
Paisner: Oh damn! That would be great!
Woodbridge: These two fought for the title in a triple threat at our last iPPV, but a singles match between the two would be just as great, if not even better!
Dalidus: So, Miles: This is me giving my request for a championship title rematch on July 8th at Do Not Torrent This! I don’t know where you are or where you’ve been, but the ball is in your court!
Crowd: WOOOOOOOOOO!
Dalidus drops the microphone in the ring, and No Limits starts playing once again. Dalidus exits the ring, and starts to walk up towards the curtain. Before he exits behind the fabric, however, he turns back to the crowd and raises a fist in the air!
Crowd: YEAAAHHH! DA-LI-DUS! DA-LI-DUS!
Paisner: Well, ladies and gentlemen: the offer is out there! Dalidus Nova vs. Miles Alpha at Do Not Torrent This, a singles match for the championship!
Woodbridge: And now we must wait for Miles Alpha to respond! We know that there are many vying for Alpha’s title, but a direct request from the former champ will certainly weigh on Miles’ mind!
Paisner: That’s if he even sees this! Who knows, he could be lost in a desert, or stuck in a Tijuana jail cell, we have no clue where the Undisputed Independent Champion is!
Commercial

The stream kicks in, as we cut into a panning shot of the Tennessee State Fairgrounds, as we see several fans with signs, and all around hype throughout the building, as we then cut to our commentary team.
Paisner: Hello WiR Fans! I’m Allen Paisner!
Woodbridge: And i’m Mark Woodbridge.
Paisner: And we’re hot off the heels of a great PPV with Are Hot Dogs Sandwiches? And we got a packed show tonight!
Woodbridge: Indeed! We have two tag team specialists facing off in Stephen Romero and Charlie Krieger, Alexis Breathnach and Derrok Bishop in a tables match! Teddy Coronado hosts an open challenge! And of course, we’ll crown a #1 contender to the world title in our main event!
Paisner: And well, we’re going to start off with something special here tonight.
Woodbridge: Special is a good word for it.
Paisner: Nova, after his heart-wrenching loss at the iPPV, wants to prove that he has not been shaken, and beat Brendan Byrne here tonight. But Byrne has had his own share of issues over the past couple of months, culminating in what seems to be his complete and total brainwashing by the Red Army!
Woodbridge: Commie bastards! grumbles
Paisner: This is Byrne’s first appearance back after his kidnapping, and I don’t think anyone is quite sure what’s going to happen here! Take it away, Javier!
As we heart the rumblings of the mic being passed to Javier, the camera cuts backstage, at the exit of the gorilla position. He hops from foot to foot, anticipating his fight. As he prepares, he looks to his left, noticing HYPPO sitting in a chair at gorilla, facing the wall.
Dalidus: Oh shit, HYPPO! I saw those videos with you and that guy in the mask. How you holding up?
HYPPO doesn’t respond, but a very low, quiet wail. The sound of HYPPO’s crying can be hear be Dalidus, who reaches out an arm for support. However, before he can touch HYPPO, Javier calls his name.
Javier: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and it has a 20 minute time limit! Your official for this contest is Mia So Hung! Introducing first, from Toronto, Ontario, Canada - he weighed in tonight at 225 pounds - DALIDUS NOVA!
Crowd: YAAAAAAAY!!
Nova’s theme hits the arena as the crowd explodes into cheers! Nova steps out from behind the curtain, somewhat subdued but still playing to the fans. He raises one fist into the air, to the cheers of the crowd!
Paisner: Dealing with the loss of his Undisputed Independent championship has to be taking a toll on Nova, but he is ready to fight tonight, and these fans love him!
Woodbridge: He does seem a little bit beaten down, though. And things like that take their toll in the ring.
Nova shakes his head, as if clearing out a fog, and grins as the crowd roars their approval, before sprinting down to the ring, slapping high-fives on his way down the aisle. He bounds up the stairs, and grabs the rope, looking out at the fans with a huge grin. He nods his approval, wipes his feet off on the apron, and steps into the ring, spinning and raising his arms for the crowd, as Javier takes the spotlight again and begins to speak.
Javier: And his opponent, from London, England - he weighed in tonight at 218 pounds - BRENDAN BYRNE!
Crowd: WE WANT BYRNE! WE WANT BYRNE! WE WANT BYRNE!
Вставай, страна огромная,
Crowd: BOOOOOO!
The Red Army’s theme song continues to play as Brendan Byrne, clad in a overtly communist wrestling singlet and flanked on each side by the Red Army - Ivanov on the left and Vargas on the right. Byrne walks to the ring stoically, as Vargas talks his ear off, pointing at Nova!
Paisner: This.. this is surreal. Just a few months ago this man was an AMUDOV finalist, and arguably deserved to be our World Champion. He fought off the Strays, putting his body on the line in the Tina Turner Dome... and now he is nothing more than a puppet.
Woodbridge: An intimidating puppet, to be sure - the Red Army claims that Byrne does not feel pain in his current state. Something Nova will surely find out firsthand.
Vargas finishes his rant, and Byrne gives a curt nod, before sliding into the ring. He gets up almost robotically, keeping his eyes on Nova at all times.
Nova: Byrne... are you in there?
Byrne takes a slow, measured step towards Nova, and Mia calls for the bell!
DING DING DING
Byrne takes another step.
Nova: Byrne... I don’t know what they did to you, man... but you’re better than this! Snap out of it!
Byrne takes another step forward. Nova takes one backwards.
Nova: Brendan! I don’t give a fuck what those two out there did to you - you were almost a champion! You don’t NEED them! Just stop!
Byrne takes another step forward. Nova sighs.
Nova: Brendan. I’m sorry.
Nova takes a step forward, sets himself, and lets fly with a massive haymaker.
CRACK!
The sound of fist meeting flesh reverberates throughout the arena, as Byrne’s head is snapped to the side from the force of the blow. The crowd falls silent, as Byrne and Nova stand still in the ring - then slowly, almost unnaturally, Byrne’s head turns back, and he steps forward again. Nova goes for another punch, but this time Byrne catches it!
Crowd: BOOO!
Byrne grabs Nova by the chest, holding on to his hand, and biel tosses him across the ring! Nova lands hard on his back, but is immediately up to his feet! Nova charges Byrne, and leaps into the air, going for a slingblade - Byrne counters with a big boot! Nova crumples! Byrne goes for a quick cover!
1!
Nova forces his shoulder up with authority!
Paisner: Byrne.. Seems almost inhuman.. But it’s always going to take more than that to keep Nova down.
Woodbridge: I don’t know - at this rate, if I was Nova, I might just cut my losses and go home!
Paisner: And that’s why you’re over here, and not in the ring, Mark.
Nova rolls to his feet, and Byrne watches him stoically. This time, Nova takes a more measured approach, stepping forward with kick feints. Byrne backs away from the kicks, and Nova charges in for a double-leg takedown! Byrne hits the mat hard, but as Nova is trying to gain position, Byrne shoves him away! Nova responds by hooking the leg, trying to turn Byrne over for an ankle lock, but gets a boot to the head for his troubles! Byrne immediately gets back to his feet, and Nova takes a few steps back to ponder his next move.
Crowd: LET’S GO NOVA! clap clap clapclapclap
Nova dashes in for another takedown, but Byrne sidesteps him, shoving Nova into the ropes! Nova rebounds with a head of steam! He leapfrogs Byrne! He hits the ropes again and comes back with a leaping shotgun kick! Byrne ducks! Byrne catches Nova on his shoulders in an Argentine Rack!
Crowd: BOOO!!
Byrne lifts him up - falls down... BURNING HAMMER!
Paisner: BURNING HAMMERUUUUUUUUUU!
Woodbridge: HOLY SHIT!
Byrne falls into the cover!
1!
2!
3!
DING DING DING
Crowd: BOOOOOO!!!
Javier: And your winner... at a time of 3:24... BRENDAN BYRNE!
The Red Army’s theme plays once again, as Byrne steps out of the ring and stoically walks backstage, oblivious to the booing raining down upon him.
Paisner: Well - Byrne is back. And The Red Army have certainly made a statement with their shining soldier.
Woodbridge: Where’s Captain America when you need him?
Dalidus lays in the ring, when suddenly, Lurking hits the speakers! Paisner: ...Oh no. No no no…
Woodbridge: Oh god lord, the last time this played led to Murphy Twain getting brutalized at the hands of Doctor De La Sangre!
The lights cut in the building, save for a single spotlight that points down on HYPPO. He starts to make his way to the ring as Nova rolls onto his stomach.
Paisner: Mark, I’d suggest you make yourself as small as possible out here, because it looks like HYPPO is out for blood!
Woodbridge: Allen, I’d suggest that YOU don’t call him HYPPO. Sangre and Sacraw have donned him as Juggernaut, and I wouldn’t want to be the one to reject their ideals!
Juggernaut walks into the ring and through the ropes. With one arm, he wraps up Nova’s waist, deadlifting him into the air. He walks towards the ropes, throwing Dalidus out of the ring, before following afterwards.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO-VA! NO-VA! NO-VA!
Picking his target back up, Juggernaut begins to make his way to the right of the ramp, walking out of a side door, to an unknown part of the arena. The lights slowly turn back on, as the audience is left angered and confused as to what unfolded.
Paisner: Uhhm… uuhhh… Mark?
Woodbridge: We need to get someone to check on Nova and HYP- Juggernaut… while we wait, let’s see what’s happening elsewhere in the back!
We fade to backstage where we see Eric Appelbaum sitting in the locker room, rifling through his bag with a frustrated look on his face. He hastily pulls out a multitude of cables, hard drives, and unidentifiable tech before completely emptying the bag.
Appelbaum: Where the hell did I put it?
Appelbaum throws the bag down and starts looking around on the floor, only to come across a small puddle of liquid. Curiously, Appelbaum sticks his finger into the liquid and smells it, his eyebrow furling at the familiar scent.
Appelbaum: Hmmm, Ballsweat…
Appelbaum’s eyes get angry and he grumbles under his breath.
Appelbaum: Sonny, you little shit!
We cut into the ring, as we see Javier standing in the middle, ready to announce.
Javier: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following match is set for one fall, and with a 30 minute time limit! Introducing first...
Ain't It Funny by Danny Brown blasts throughout the arena, as Krieger steps out onto the entranceway, looking more displeased and angry than usual, as we see the likely reason for that, a taped up shoulder after Romero hurt it attacking him at Hotdogs.
Javier: From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, weighing in at 225 pounds, he is one third of the WiR Tag Team Champions, Charlie Krieger!
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Paisner: Well there's no hotdog costume tonight, but there is one massive wiener coming down to the ring regardless! And worst for Krieger, coming down with a massive bullseye on that shoulder.
Woodbridge: And with how angered we've seen Romero has been over the events at Hotdogs of Krieger interfering and keeping him out the ring, I don't think he'll hesitate to target it.
Krieger partakes in some banter with members of the audience, calling most of them faggots, and a few black members of the audience porch monkeys, before he reaches the ring apron, and slides in the ring, as he casually takes a seat in the corner.
Misunderstood by D.R.A.M then hits throughout the building, as Stephen Romero comes from out the entranceway, he himself looking unpleased, as he begins to match down to the ring.
Javier: Introducing next, from Sacramento, California, weighing in at 320 pounds, Stephen Romero!
Crowd: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Woodbridge: And switching from a massive wiener, to a man with one, Stephen Romero. And just like Krieger, he's looking none too pleased tonight, vengeance seems to weigh heavy on his mind after Krieger interfered in the tag title match against him.
Paisner: And with how big and powerful this man is, god knows what he could do when angr- OH GOD!
As Romero marches down to the ring, suddenly, Krieger dives out the ring with a suicide dive onto Romero!
Crowd: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Woodbridge: Oh shit! Krieger coming out the gates early!
Krieger then manages just enough strength to pick Romero up and roll him into the ring, as he slides back in the ring, and Romero tries to crawl back up, as Undersach calls for the bell!
DING DING DING
Krieger rushes over to Romero, and kicks him in the stomach before he can get back to his feet! Krieger then viciously lays in stomps to Romero, stomping on his shoulder to hurt his shoulder as well! Romero tries to sit up regardless of the stomps, but Krieger just quickly knees him in the face! Krieger then backs off, as Romero tries to push himself up, before Krieger just runs back with a basement dropkick to the head of Romero! Knocking Romero out the ring!
Paisner: Krieger controlling the action early after the surprise attack!
Woodbridge: Determination and anger against your opponent is no longer relevant when you don't know what your opponent is going to do!
Romero grabs the railing on the outside, and tries to pull himself up, as Krieger rolls out the ring himself, waiting for him on the opposite barricade, and as Romero manages to drag himself to a standing position, Krieger runs at him, and charges him with a flying front dropkick on the barricade! Knocking Romero over it and into the crowd!
Crowd: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Paisner: The aggressiveness of Krieger! He's looking to really take it to Romero after the events at Hotdogs!
Krieger quickly rolls in the ring, and back out in order to break the count, as he walks back over to Romero, just beginning to try and get up, and dumps him back over the barricade! Romero sits, back on the barricade, as Krieger runs off once more to the opposite side, before running back for another move on the barricade! But before he can go for anything, Romero manages to stand up, and manages to catch Krieger, and pop him up in the air, as Krieger's upper chest lands on the barricade!
Crowd: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Paisner: Shit! All the wind has to be knocked out of Krieger's body!
Krieger holds at his chest, as Romero lifts him up from behind, and drops him on the barricade with a back suplex shoulder first!
Crowd: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Krieger lands on the floor, now screaming in pain, clutching at his taped up shoulder, as Romero looks down on Krieger, anger still laced on his face, as he picks Krieger up, and tosses him with a biel throw into the ringpost! Krieger once again hitting his shoulder!
Paisner: Jesus! An attack being launched on the shoulder on Krieger! This could be hard to recover from!
Romero rolls in the ring and back out to break up the count himself, as Krieger crawls away on the outside, grabbing the commentary desk to pull himself back up as he sees Romero walk back out to him, but this just allows Romero to grab him by the head, and smash his face into the table! Romero then grabs Krieger by the head, and lifts him up in vertical suplex position! But Krieger wiggles his legs to slip out! Krieger slips out onto his feet, as he quickly drops down for a dropkick to Romero's legs! Taking the big man down quick! Krieger then takes the opportunity to run back into the ring, as Romero tries to recover! Romero slowly makes it to his feet, as Krieger looks to continue to aggress against him, as he runs the ropes, and flies back out with another suicide dive! But Romero manages to catch him, and tosses Krieger in mid-air! Sending on the table and over, as he lands around Paisner and Woodbridge as the two commentators quickly move out the way of Krieger's body flying!
Woodbridge: Holy Shit! Krieger coming in like a plane crash!
Krieger lays on the ground right beside Woodbridge and Paisner mostly motionless from crashing and burning, but still seen weakly clutching at his shoulder, as Romero marches over to Krieger, jumping onto the table, and picking him up onto it, looking down at the nearly out of it Krieger below him, before he kicks the monitors off the table, and picks up Krieger to set him between his legs!
Paisner: Wait no! That could destroy his injured shoulder!
But despite Paisner's pleas to not go that far right beside him, Romero then lifts Krieger up in powerbomb position, then raises him to elevate him, before he comes crashing down with an Elevated Sit-Out Powerbomb through the announce table
Woodbridge: OH MY GOD! STREET CRASH THROUGH THE TABLE!
Crowd: OHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
Romero gets up from the rubble, as he then stands over, and looks down at a lifeless Krieger, as Undersach rushes out the ring to check on Krieger, as Krieger can only very weakly grab towards his injured shoulder, Undersach tries to talk to him, but only gets grunts in response, and Krieger doesn't seem to be reviving, so Undersach then calls for the bell!
DING DING DING
Javier: Ladies and Gentlemen, due to injury, this match has been stopped, and has been ruled a no contest at a time of 6:02!
The crowd doesn't react much, now wondering the status of Krieger, as medical staff rush out with a stretcher! Romero only moves out the way of standing over Krieger as the medical staff tell him to, as the staff pick Krieger up, and load him onto the stretcher!
Paisner: Well, not matter how much of a cockbag he is, it's never good to see a man get injured in the ring, his shoulder was already hurt, and it seems the street crash through the table did him in.
Krieger is stretchered out of the arena, as Romero walks to the back, conflicted look on his face, as we fade away.
COMMERCIAL
We cut back in, as we see Allen Paisner and Mark Woodbridge, sitting at their commentary desk.
Paisner: Well, it's time for Alexis Breathnach and Derrok Bishop to face off in a tables match!
Woodbridge: And I'm damn excited! These two faced off at our recent iPPV "Are Hot Dogs Sandwiches", where Alexis took the win in her debut match, handing Bishop his first loss.
Paisner: But Derrok looks for revenge tonight, but to get it he'll have to put Breathnach through a table!
Javier: Ladies and Gentlemen, this following bout is a Tables Match! That means that the only way to win is by sending your opponent through one of our provided tables.
Rebel Yell booms,and a wave of boo's ensues as Derrok Bishop enters from behind the curtain.
Javier: And first approaching the ring: standing at 6 feet 1 inch and weighing 204 pounds, from Nashville, Tennesee: DEEERROOOOKK BIIISHOOOPP!
Derrok starts walking down the small ramp, quickly making his way to the ring.
Paisner: Derrok had a very strong winning streak going for him in WiR, but that was ended at our iPPV, where Alexis Breathnach defeated him in their singles bout!
Woodbridge: Non-surprisingly, this angered Derrok to the point where he demanded a rematch between the two, looking to prove himself as the better wrestler in a Tables Match!
Bishop's music is replaced by Sweet Soul Sister, and the crowd quickly switches to a chorus of cheers as Alexis Breathnach enters!
Javier: And now entering: standing at 5 feet 3 inches and weighing 186 pounds, from Kilkenny, Ireland: ALLLLEEEXXIIIS BBBREEEAAAATHNAAAAACH!
Paisner: Ireland killed Kenny? Those bastards!
Woodbridge: Shut it, Allen. Anyways, Alexis made her in-ring debut with WiR at our iPPV, facing Derrok. As previously mentioned, she would pick up the win in what many would call an upset, but now she's looking to go up 2-0 against Bishop!
Paisner: Well, win or lose I'm sure she's gonna give us a fight!
Alexis slides into the ring, standing on the opposite side of the ring from Bishop, as Javier calls for the bell to ring!
DING DING DING
Right as the bell rings, both Derrok and Alexis slide out of the ring. They reach under the apron at opposite sides of the ring, both pulling out their own separate table!
Paisner: No hesitation when it comes to these tables!
They rush back into the ring, Alexis slightly struggling to maneuver with the table. This gives Derrok a head start, although Alexis isn't far behind, as they compete to set up the tables in the ring.
Woodbridge: We got a race, Alan! Who's gonna get it ready first!
As Alexis gets the first leg of her table propped up, Derrok finishes his second. While Alexis is focused on completing hers, she doesn't notice Bishop storming towards her, until he starts hammering into her with fists!
Crowd: Booooooo!
Alexis blocks a right hook with her forearm, but Derrok uses this to grab her by the hair, slamming her head-first into the half-finished table!
Paisner: Damn, Derrok's not going easy on Alexis tonight!
Bishop pulls her head back up off the table, but Alexis responds with a lightning fast jab to the nose of Derrok! He releases her, stumbling slightly, and Alexis uses the opening to rush at Derrok, ramming herself into his chest, and pushing him back into the turnbuckle!
Crowd: Yaaaaay!
Alexis uses one hand to push Derrok's face back, opening up his chest. With the other, she strikes him across the sternum with a vicious chop!
Woodbridge: Alexis is taking control in this bout!
Alexis backs up from Derrok, who is still resting in the corner. She takes a deep breath, before running at him full speed! However, Derrok notices his opponent coming at him, and quickly darts out of the way.
Crowd: Booo- Oooooh!
Amazingly, Alexis runs towards the turnbuckle, stepping up the second and third pads, before backflipping off them, landing on her feet in the middle of the ring!
Paisner: Amazing job by Breathnach, making a millisecond adjustment to get out of the danger zone!
Derrok is still slightly confused as to how Alexis did her stunt, but Breathnach is fully focused, running towards Derrok again, this time connecting with a loud Dropkick, that sends Derrok flying into the ropes!
Crowd: Woohoo!
Paisner: Beautiful dropkick and Derrok needs to think of something fast if he wants to take home a victory here tonight!
Derrok gets hung up in the ropes, staying on his feet. Alexis grabs him out, before keeling him over with a quick kick to the abdomen. She wraps his arm around his head, throwing Derroks arm over her shoulder.
Paisner: She's looking to suplex Derrok through the table!
Sure enough, Alexis attempts to heave Derrok into the air. However, her size makes this much harder, and Derrok is able to wiggle and re-ground himself!
Woodbridge: Bishop isn't going down that easy!
Alexis tries to pick him up again, but Derrok swings a knee into her gut before she can raise him. Derrok then reverses Alexis' suplex, pulling her high into the air, attempting a Sitout Suplex Facebuster!
Crowd: Ooooooh....
But Alexis swings her knee downwards, connecting to the top of Derrok's skull! He falls to a knee, and Alexis brings both of her legs down, landing on the table with wobbly feet!
Crowd: Wooaaahh!
Woodbridge: Alexis is light enough to stand on the table! This may be disastrous for Derrok Bishop!
Derrok gets to his feet, but Alexis is one step ahead of him, jumping off of the table and flattening Bishop with a flying crossbody! The crowd erupts in cheers, as Alexis gets back to her feet, arms raised!
Derrok hangs onto the ropes, using them to pull himself back to his feet. He turns around and is greeted by Alexis, who is attempting a Discus Elbow!
Paisner: Irish Kiss - No!
Derrok ducks underneath the elbow, sliding behind Alexis. He wraps his arms around her waist, quickly attempting a German Suplex, but Alexis flips through it, landing on her feet once again!
Woodbridge: This woman is like a cat, she always lands on her feet!
Derrok swings a left at Alexis, but she dodges out of the way, standing in front of Ivan Itchicock. Bishop pulls back his right fist and swings it right at the skull of Breathnach, but she rolls underneath it! Derrok can't stop his momentum, however, and his fist connects with the chin of Ivan!
Crowd: OOOOOOOOOH!
Paisner: Godammit! Itchicock is down, someone pour a bucket of water on his head!
Ivan drops to the mat, and immediately rolls out of the ring. Derrok is stunned at first, but quickly shakes himself back into the match. He turns around, but Alexis jumps back on him, attacking with a quick flurry of strikes. She grabs him by the wrist, and puts him into German Suplex position, with a table right behind her!
Woodbridge: She’s gonna Suplex him through the table!
Alexis looks to lift Derrok up for the German Suplex to send him through the table, but Derrok blocks, not allowing himself to be picked up! Derrok wiggles out of Alexis’s grip, and quickly flips the table upside down, ensuring he can’t be put through it. Nevertheless, Alexis quickly throws a right hand at Derrok’s skull, following it up with a quick Spinning Heel Kick, catching Derrok right on the jaw, sending him falling ro the mat!
Crowd: YYEEAAHHH!
As Derrok lays on the mat clutching his jaw, Alexis madly turns back towards the table Bishop knocked over earlier. She flips the table back upright, and turns her attention back to Derrok, looking to finally send him through the table. Alexis starts throwing her hands in the air, trying to fire up the crowd!
Crowd: YYYEAAAHHH!
Paisner:Alexis could be closing in on another victory!
Woodbridge: WAIT, WHAT THE HELL!?
As Alexis is firing up the crowd, someone wearing a hoodie and a ski mask jumps over the crowd control barricade, and slides into the ring. This person strikes Alexis in the back with a running knee strike!!!
Crowd: BBBOOOOOOOOO!
Alexis falls face-first into the canvas, and the masked man starts stomping the hell out of her back. He grabs her by the hair, pulling her to her feet, and staring her in the eyes as he holds her up.
Paisner: WHO THE HELL IS THAT?!
The masked man removes his mask to reveal the face of…..THIS man!!
Woodbridge: OH MY GOD! IT’S STENMARK! HE’S A FREE AGENT!
Paisner: Someone get security!!!
Stenmark looks outside the ring, and notices that Ivan is almost on his feet, ready to continue officiating! Stenmark notices that there’s a table set up in the middle of the ring as well.
Woodbridge: Oh no...this can’t be good!
Stenmark grabs Alexis, lifts her in the air…...and PLANTS her through the table with a THUNDEROUS Spinebuster!!!!
Woodbridge: HOT DAMN! STENMARK JUST OBLITERATED THAT TABLE!
Crowd: BBBBOOOOOO!!!
Alexis lays in pain amongst the pieces of broken wood, as Stenmark stands above her admiring his handiwork. Stenmark realizes Ivan Itchicock is almost conscious again, and slides out of the ring, jumping back over the crowd control barricade and exiting through the crowd! Derrok just now makes it to a vertical base, and stands tall over Breathnach as Ivan makes it to a vertical base, seeing the scene of Derrok standing tall over Breathnach laying on a broken table!
Paisner: Wait just a damn minute….
Ivan looks up at Derrok, who points at Alexis surrounded by the broken table, yelling and screaming that he put her through it!
Woodbridge: Wait a sec, I think Ivan believes BISHOP sent Alexis through that table!
Paisner: But he didn't, dammit! Stenmark put her through it!
With Alexis still down and unable to defend herself, Ivan makes his decision, and calls for the bell!
DING DING DING!
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Woodbridge: Bullshit! Bull-ass-shit!
Javier: The winner of this match at a time of 9:34: DEERRRRRRRROOOOOK BIIISHOOOPPP!
Crowd: BBBOOOOOO!!!
Rebel Yell hits, and Ivan raises Derrok’s arm in victory. Alexis starts to come to a slight consciousness, staring daggers at Bishop. He slides out of the ring celebrating to himself, the only person in the building cheering.
Paisner: Thanks to Stenmark, Bishop picks up the damn win!
Woodbridge: Why did Stenmark attack Breathnach!? WHY!? SOMEBODY TELL ME WHY DAMMIT!!
Woodbridge: Well……...hopefully we find out soon. In the meantime, stay tuned fans, we've got more action to come!
Paisner: And it should hopefully be great action, with Teddy Coronado issueing an open challenge for anyone to fight him!
Woodbridge: And with all the possibilities of who could come out, this could be great, it could be current big stars like our singles champs in Maverick or Alpha, it could be a returning alumni, a debut, or a legendary wrestler from some other promotion!
Paisner: This could indeed be very interesting, Teddy could be in for the challenge of his life since he can’t prepare for his opponent, but his opponent can prepare for him, and now, lets cut to that shall we?
The ringside crew quickly clears away the last bit of rubble from the tables match, as we hear the desert rock theme of Teddy Coronado, as members of the entourage come pouring out. Members of the crowd boo, while others still lay in shock of Andrew Garcia’s defeat. First comes out the specially selected referee of Teddy Coronado, his uncle, the one, the only, Walt! He walks to the ring, seemingly out of it. First comes out the personal announcer of Teddy Coronado, Alan.
Alan: May I present to you… TEDDY! CO! RO! NA! DO!
And so the rest of his entourage comes pouring out. The short one spreads rose petals in front of Teddy Coronado, who is carried in a throne by the other four members. The newly enriched Coronado wears a bathrobe, and is still wet from a shower. His butler, Jeeves, and his agent, Douglas Peachey, follow behind them all.
Woodbridge: What’s all this?
Paisner: The new contract, won against WiR Triple Crown winner Andrew Garcia, of the one, the only, the five-generational phenom Teddy Coronado allows him the right to a personal ref, a personal announcer, and a personal entourage. And we have to call him the one, the only, the five-generational phenom Teddy Coronado every single time we speak.
Woodbridge: Shit, I should have seen Hot Dogs.
Paisner: You commentated that match.
Teddy is gracefully carried to the ring, where he is handed a microphone. As he puts up the microphone to his lips, carrying it like a wine glass, the crowd boos him down. He lowers it. He raises it again, boos. He lowers it. He raises it again and-
Entourage Member: NEXT LOSER TO YELL OVER MY BOY, MY LIEGE, THE PROPHET, TEDDY, GETS THEIR FUCKING THROAT SLIT! SHUT IT! I’LL FUCK YOUR MOTHER THROUGH HER THROAT HOLE CAUSED BY LUNG CANCER, WHICH I’LL GIVE HER THROUGH SECOND-HAND SMOKING!
The crowd, shocked, quiets for a bit.
Teddy: Thank you, Will.
Rob: It’s actually Rob, Mister C.
Teddy: No, you’re wrong.
Will: YES, SIR!
Teddy: Now, as you all know, I am the greatest wrestler of all time, proven by me destroying that weak fool Andrew. I warned him. I promised him that I would destroy him. You know where he is? Gone. Ker-splat. Trumbled.
Paisner: I’m not sure that’s a word.
Teddy: SILENCE! DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK?
Paisner: N-no.
Teddy: Damn right. Now, I get to sign my brand-new contract. And oh look, I have no where to sign it. SHARP! HERE, BOY!
Russell Sharp appears from the curtain, ground-trodden. He slowly crumbles to the ring, where he looks to Teddy, frustrated.
Teddy: I said I needed a table, Sharpie.
Russell sighs, and bends over. Teddy uncrumples the paper from his pocket, and signs it with a pen. He then nudges the GM away, and continues talking.
Teddy: A couple of weeks ago, you wouldn’t have even looked at me, Sharp. But with this contract, you have to look at me. You have to see that I am better in every way than any other person in this roster. But if you still don’t believe me, after I’ve taken and destroyed every challenge you’ve given me, I’ll prove it, one city at a time, one opponent at a time. Once a week, every week, I’m going to face a local competitor. So, Alan, call him out.
Alan: From Nashville, Tennessee, it’s Thomas Sixgun, Junior.
The crowd erupts!
Woodbridge: Can it be?
A man, dressed in a vest and cowboy hat, comes out. The crowd erupts.
Woodbridge: IT IS! TOMMY SIXGUN, IN THE FLESH!
Paisner: Who?
Woodbridge: Come on, Pais, you haven’t heard of King Sixgun? The Last Cowboy?
Paisner: No.
Woodbridge: He’s a legend! There are legends told of him, he can drink two six-packs at the same time, with one slurp! He can do a backflip, if suitably drunk enough! He once ran in the Kentucky Derby and won! He’s a legend to all of Tennessee!
Paisner: And he wrestles? Why haven’t we signed him? Why hasn’t NYS?
Woodbridge: Coke habit.
Paisner: Oh.
Teddy: Excuse me, this is MY open challenge! Silence, both of you!
Tommy Sixgun rolls into the ring, somewhat tipsy, and in a haze.
Teddy: Let’s get this over with.
DING! DING! DING!
Tommy Sixgun collapses in a drunken heap, and he starts rolling about the ring. Teddy laughs and begins to walk out of the ring. Sixgun rolls behind Teddy, and GRABS HIS LEGS!
Paisner: SCHOOL-BOY!
The Last Cowboy brings Teddy down!
Paisner: ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Wait, the ref’s hand hasn’t gone down for the three!
Walt seemingly tries to slam his hand down, but some invisible force seemingly stops him. Sixgun looks in astonishment, still holding the pin position. Teddy has stopped struggling, and appears to be yawning. Suddenly, four members of the entourage rush the ring and yank Sixgun off Teddy!
Woodbridge: This is ridiculous!
Paisner: You wanna complain to the ref?
The entourage lays stomp after stomp on poor old Sixgun and the butler tosses a chair to Teddy. The entourage and Teddy trade off, stomp, crack, stomp, crack, stomp, crack. Finally, Teddy throws the now broken chair away, and lays over the bloodied Sixgun. Walt is quick to go to the ground.
Woodbridge: One.
Two.
Three.
It’s over.
DING! DING! DING!!
But it’s not. Will and the butler now drag Sixgun out of the ring and toss him into the ringpole, leaving him there. The other four entourage members, and Douglas Peachey carry Teddy out on his throne. Coronado’s wearing Sixgun’s cowboy hat. The crowd’s shocked.
Woodbridge: Can someone get a doctor?
Paisner: We’ll- We’ll be back.
COMMERCIAL BREAK