Ha! Of course! Jackpot!

Luck shines upon me, indeed! Oh yes!

For nothing beats Spring!!

UMA Spring is fourth, of the seasons Union beat. The strongest of all, he made Kyoto his playground; he loves games dearly. He only speaks in haiku, hence I shall follow.

Perusing Legend

Others Interacted With

• Andy the Undead
• Fuuko Izumo, Unluck
• God, one above all
• Rip Tristan, one Unrepair
• Shen Xian, once Untruth
• Top Bull Sparx, Unstoppable

Regarding Format

• Most feats are ordered...with chronological tact. Only artefacts...find themselves in games' pattern.
• Mouse above a link...to find the chapter number.
• Scans draw from past Loop; Spring has yet to reappear.
• Character page.
• If poetry really isn't your thing, here's a version of this thread that doesn't have any of that.

Spring's Core (No Phase 1)

• Passive tree germination, within nearby range
  • The trees affected by this? Could have changed species--it better suits the season
• Tugs a treasure chest, many times larger than him, filled with game trinkets

Second Phase of Spring

Physical Actions Performed

• Billy's Unbalance, a spring of a different sort, bends Tokyo Tower. Spring, at the top, never fell...his grip has true strength
• (Controlled by evil forces) Fell in battle against Spring, Isshin Tesshu did
• Marked Isshin's grave with carved stone, hefted overhead

Springtime Essence Controlling

• Upon first contact, petals will transform people...all are dendrified
  • The change is almost instant
• With but half an hour, Spring's presence will dendrify; no one can defend
  • Even if Spring wants this not, the process goes on
• When a challenger shows, Spring collects the trees, coalescing energy
  • Satellites are barred, to the Union's great dismay
• Upon Spring's felling, all that transformed into trees, returns to its state

Phase 2's Kabuki

Physical Actions Performed

• Punches a crater, which dwarfs the nearby Fuuko, to play Negate Tops
  • With a champion declared, the punched ground resets
• Fuuko and Isshin fly up--caused from Spring's great stomp
• An Unbreakable pauldron, shields Fuuko from death...it takes but a single punch!
• Lightning struck him thrice
• Victim to felled tree and rock...and his box of games
• His chest torn open can't hide...his core's emotions

Springtime Essence Controlling

• Brings forth spring rainstorms, lightning kills the trees gathered
  • Other targets are: Unbreakable and Undead
• Directed gales launch Fuuko

Miscellaneous

• You'll regret interference, until dendrified...punishment for saboteurs; no damage allowed
• Blasphemes against divine ideas, placed within his mind

Phase 3

(Phase 3 drops the haiku talking scheme due to God's forced brainwashing)

Physicals

• Jumps from the top of Tokyo Tower to Tokyo below, crushing the buildings he lands on with a new immense size
• Phase 3 is impervious to all attacks, though if you aren't explicitly trying to attack then it is possible for the attacks to land
• Rip's Blade Runner blade does no damage despite bypassing his imperviousness
• Shen's Nyoi-Kinko staff also fails to do anything
• Unbreakable Tachyoshot drives Rip's blade into Spring's chestplate, which was unable to pierce it by itself
• Cut down the middle when Andy's sword is made unchanging by Billy

Elemental Control

• Where he stomps, nature blooms, replacing what was there before
• Sends a wave of cherry petals to dendrify a borough of Tokyo untouched so far
• Entering Phase 3 greatly expanded his area of influence
• Controls cherry tree limbs
• Tags Andy with cherry petal projectiles
• Snatches the Nyoi-Kinko and Nico's Psycho Pods with cherry limbs
• Shields himself with castle-sized cherry trees

Artefacts

General

• Has a list of everyone who he's destroyed in artefact games
  • A toll of 100,000 lives are summoned from around the globe to serve as Fuuko's ante
• Possesses a huge box filled with artefacts he's found in Japan
  • These possess enough memories within to cause great pain to Fuuko as she touches them
  • Here are a few of them

Enoh Jusshu #5

• Negate Tops uses Negators as tops to clash in a battle arena, though if they lose the game then they die
  • A top that traps Negators' souls in them with the option to force how they move or let the trapped Negator choose
  • Spring is able to suck Andy from inside an Unchange sphere when he chooses him as his top

The Second Game (No Artefact Name)

• Calls up 13 Negators' souls to act as cards in a game of karuta

Kofusai

• Owns a pair of dice that allows the user to steal away what the target cherishes the most, so long as the user correctly guesses if it rolls odd or even
  • Intercepts a nuke and renders it a dud
  • Artefact details
  • Kills Spring

Warmth and kindness have…
Helped to usher in a change…
In this set of rules…
That I shall cherish with pride.
For I am the spring itself.

I’m trying to find the episode that starts with Bob scanning items at a supermarket (pretending to be Andy.) Anyone know which episode it is?

hey guys. i'm 25f and like 145lbs-ish. family history of degenerative disc disease. no scoliosis. i also work a desk job.
some backstory; on 5/5, i went to a family celebration with my boyfriend. while i was there, i was playing with his 6 month old nephew who is a CHUNKY boy. i was carrying him a lot and within the next two days, i started to notice this nagging pain in one spot in my right-mid back, along with my lower ribs being sore from the front all the way back around, almost in a band where the bottom of a bra would sit. i thought i just wore myself out from carrying around the baby but it didn't improve. it also hurts at rest in a very localized spot and is tender to the touch. my spine itself feels fine and is not tender, it's just around it. (photo of pain location. the localized spots are in blue/purple and the other achiness i'm feeling is in green, which wraps around the front following the bottom of my ribs.)
i went to urgent care on 5/9 and incidentally tested positive for strep and started antibiotics for it. they sent me for a chest x-ray due to the back pain thinking it could be related but it came back completely normal (clear lungs, "visualized osseus structures are unremarkable"). over the last week and a half, the pain has persisted. i went to an orthopedic urgent care on 5/13 and was prescribed muscle relaxers and a steroid and was recommended to do PT. i wound up in the er on 5/15 due to the pain quickly getting worse, but all they did was run bloodwork (everything was normal) and give me fluids and some toradol for the pain. the pain radiates up to my neck now and my neck and traps are very tight and achey (probably due to stress tbh) but the localized pain in my mid-back has persisted and is even getting worse. i've tried the muscle relaxers (500mg methocarbamol twice daily) which barely help, and the steroids haven't helped either. heat and ice don't seem to do much. massage helps briefly but is quite painful in the moment and the pain always comes back. my boyfriend said he can feel how tight the muscles are near that localized spot and that there are "a few knots" in that area. laying on my stomach seems to take some of the pressure off and help a tiny bit, but it doesn't last. but i'm worried it's maybe not muscular in origin as it continues at rest. i have a ct scan of my abdomen and pelvis with contrast on 5/21 as i have ongoing gi issues, but this doesn't seem related as i haven't had any pain like this with my gi issues in the past.
has anyone experienced any pain like this? if you have, what wound up helping you? should i push for an mri? my anxiety is quite high about this entire situation and i'm having a hard time not catastrophizing and thinking the worst. thank you in advance!!!

Female, in my late 30's here. At my yearly skin cancer full body exam, 9am appointment. I am taking back into exam room, asked to fully undress and to put a gown on. Half way through undressing, there is a knock at the door.
The nurse peaks her head in and asks what car did I drive; so I stated my cars model. "ohhh okay, are you naked already..." I state yes, "okay never mind, the doctor wanted the parking stall your parked in...". Mind you there are no "reserved for dstaff" signs in the parking lot (and the lot is close to empty). I reply, I did not see any reserved signs. "Ohh no, there isn't one...never mind he will park somewhere else", and she closed the door.
A few moments later, as I am completely nude w/ the gown sitting and waiting, another frantic knock. This time an unfamiliar nurse whips in aggressively, "you need to get dressed and move your car". As this is the only skin cancer dr in my area; I felt strongarmed like I had to oblige. So I get redressed (socks, shoes, pants, bra, top, belt, glasses) and exit the office, walk downstairs to my car. At this point its 9:15.
I notice a man in a Tesla waiting, as I move my car one stall over (mind you the lot had just me and one other car in it). The man was my doctor, and he pulls into the spot I was in and wont look in my direction. I walk back upstairs to the office. Go back into the exam room and undress again.
A moment later the doctor walked in "Ohh I just bought a new car and am kinda paranoid about it and wanted it to be parked in that particular stall you were in". I replied you should put a reserved for doctor sign if you NEED that particular stall.
Is it acceptable or professional practice to treat your patients like that? How Do I Respond? The office wanted me to schedule my next scan for next year; need help on response. Thank you!
PS. Both Funny Sarcastic and/also Serious Responses Appreciated

Thought this sub might like this. If you have a stockish R33 and someday wanted to get a full or even partial paint protection film (PPF, clear bra - stops rock chips and scratches(, you’ll be able to do so with up to date options in the near future.
I own a PPF and ceramic coating shop near Killeen TX (https://www.hhceramiccoatings.com , https://g.page/HarkerHeightsCC), and I asked a software team to come out and 3D scan this R33 so we can install a full body PPF for the owner.
The car is A midnight purple 1996 R33 GTR and is pretty mint. Some parts seem to have been repainted but overall this will be a fun project.
I’ll have a ton more videos once we get it in the shop, supposed to be about 10 days from now.
But I thought this was a cool process.
3D scanning a 1996 R33 Nissan Skyline GTR for PPF/clear bra Killeen, Copperas Cove, Harker Heights https://youtu.be/pz--jl3ZlPs

All the countless special effect films for the past 3 decades from planet of the apes motion capture, to marvel films, the animations. Could they use it for training AI models?
Would they own all of andy serkis motion capture performance? They have so much footage and data of the major stars that they might not be needed to be even come in to be scanned.

The Context:
A user posts a meme to /starterpacks mocking that OOP describes as the “oppressed gamer” — specifically their obsession with the attractiveness of female characters and feelings of persecution, among others.
Many in the comments take exception to the meme, with side-by-side comparisons of the looks of actors and their female character models proliferating.
The Drama:
Someone tries to argue that game developers are indeed making women uglier:

But There are numerous examples of gaming companies using motion capture of real woman for female characters and changing the game model of the woman to the point where the facial structure and features of the game model barely resembles the female model, which seems to happen less often with the male motion capture actors. Look at Mass Effect Andromeda. The main male actor looks exactly like the male mc. The main female actress barely looks like the female mc. They were both motion captured, yet only the female looks completely different. Look at Spider Man 2 where Mary Jane barely resembles her real life actress. This seems to be a genuine trend going around that is happening too often and consistently to be just a coincidence. It’s stupid that the game devs are seemingly going out of their way to change the facial structure of game models for female characters in order to make them more “realistic”, even though they are literally using real woman.

This comment stinks like dirty incel.

How is my comment wrong though?

You're complaining about video game characters not looking like some anime big titty porn stars and looking like real women. Perhaps going outside and looking at real people would help.

[Continued:]

they are in fact complaining that video game characters do not look like real people. Specifically studios intentionally editing the 3d scans of actual women they hired for the role and half the time making them uglier for no reason by messing with their faces, meanwhile the scans they do of men are always 1:1. A good example of this is the new star wars outlaws game. In this game the female protagonist has a completely different face compared to the actress they scanned, however the actor's models look exactly the same.

Well achtually....
Have you seen real people? Get out of here.

Yes I have seen real people, and I have a problem with video game characters being intentionally distorted to not look like real people. Stop being disingenuous by pretending that editing people's bodies to make them look completely different, then acting like this is normal is somehow ok. This is the entire reason why the body positivity movement exists.

It is ok. You incel kids that seem to care about video game women's bodies is fucking weird. It makes no difference to anything except your addled little mind.

So you think all those ads where women's bodies are distorted to look unnaturally slim with big boobs or have their faces altered to be more symmetrical and have smaller chins, noses, and lips are perfectly fine? You're a massive hypocrite. Stop calling literally anything you didn't take even two seconds to think about incel behavior. Intentionally editing the look of people's bodies to make them look uglier or more attractive is not ok.

Things degrade from here, with the slapfight devolving into one user posting multiple photos of actresses side by side with the models of their characters, ostensibly in an attempt to prove that developers are making women in games uglier.
[…]

You’re embarrassing yourself How many anti woke videos have you seen today Please talk to a real person today

You haven’t actually proved any of my points wrong.

MJ from spiderman 2 looks different because she was in an accident that messed up her face. Also that worker all the anti wokes said that looks like MJ was a hoax as well
I don’t care about the rest of them. Mass effect andromeda had bigger problems than you needing to get a hard on You need to fix your priorities of what’s actually wrong in the gaming industry

I’ve just looked at her instagram account and some of her recent photos from April and March and February. Her facial structure and her facial features, even now, still look barely anything like the game model’s features.
Also, for Mass Effect Andromeda, the male model looks the same as the game model while the female model doesn’t. :

Wow the west truly has fallen
Gaming is le woke sjw cringe
I don’t give a shit

The same user as above begins to post more photos, trying to prove his point.

You seem unhinged the way you think this pic of this character proves any point you are trying to make.

This character model looks literally nothing like any of the pictures from the actress. Her chin, cheekbones, nose, jawline, etc, are all noticeably different.

You can take a pic of any single person alive today and make it not look like them just thru lighting.
nothing you are doing is akin to scientific analysis
you are literally bemused and shook by basic principles of photography

I have looked at multiple different pictures of Mary Jane in the Spider-Man and the actress on her Instagram account, including ones with different angles and lighting. In every single one, all of the facial features in the game version don't match the real life actress. Many people have noticed that, it's why this controversy happened in the first place.

we know a lot of people are into this, that's why OP made the pic in OP, to make fun of the great many of you who are obsessed about this. it's not a controversy that exists outside terminally online Gamer TM communities.
EDIT: and people from those gamer conspiracy communities stalked the actor you are making these accusations about until she quit her job. So maybe fucking stop with the dumb online gamer conspiracies. The fact that there are many people into this is not a comfort or a sign that it is true and good.

[…]

Mfer has never talked to a woman. Dudes mom won't even give em the time of day

Is your best reply seriously insulting me? You literally haven't proven anything I've said wrong.

Lmao absolutely no self awareness. It comes with age

You can't even make a proper argument against my points, yet you are saying I am the one with no self awareness.

Yeah it comes with age. You're obviously 12. You said shit so stupid it doesn't deserve an earnest reply.

[…]

Do not pull out bullshit statements like "your statement is so dumb and wrong, I don't need to explain why". That means literally nothing and proves literally nothing. You might as well say "I'm right because I say I am", and it would be just about as meaningful of a statement.
Anyone can say "your statement is dumb" or "I am obviously right", whether or not what you are saying is actually true. It's literally one of the worst ways someone can argue against people's points, because it means that someone is just trying to shut down people's arguments without actually saying anything meaningful to refute it, most of the time because they can't form a proper argument against it themselves.

Lmao you got alot of experience in being wrong huh? Fucking incel loser stfu and go away

Again, no actual arguments, just insults. You are just proving my point again. You can’t even write a response without saying “fuck” or “loser”.

Lmao fucking loser. When you finally grow tf up you're gonna cringe so hard about this phase in your life.

Free markets are discussed:

Conservatives claim to love the free market. They didn't get help from anyone and neither should you. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps! So if conservatives want a game with nothing but hot women with their titties and asses hanging out, even full nudity, they should make that. What's stopping them? Man up, stop blaming liberals, and do the job yourself.

It's not free market if the state / establishment actively interferes to push in a certain direction.

I didn't know the government was keeping titties out of video games.

If you examine that comment, you'll notice that the statement it's making is entirely about you.

If you had any kind of self awareness you'd know that no one fucking likes you, you smell bad, and you should probably just give up on your sad pathetic excuse for a life

Things get personal:

Games are meant to be for the male gaze. If you say otherwise it's cope.

They are but it makes them worse for anyone who isn't a straight man.

Yes but I want sexy women in my escapism

Well, most people don't.

Watch porn. It has beatiful women fucking ugly freaks like you. Lmao

And what of the woke mob?

It's a weird culture war thing. They think the "woke mob" wants to subvert "traditional" gender values by making characters less "conventionally" attractive and ruin video games because feminism is about hating men or something.

Oh "they" don't "think" that, there are already examples of it happening, the subversion part at least I don't think the intention is to ruin the games or media its being done to its just usually the result in many cases but ofc not every case.
Nobody cares if you want to make the wokest tv show, movie or game ever made its when you have to change already established characters or lore because your story/game doesn't stand on its own without an already established IP it gets annoying. And I don't really understand who it is for either because the most liberal people I know who are woke AF don't like this either and find it to be pandering and patronizing.
So lets not pretend its not happening because that is the stupidest way of trying to avoid debating it, we all know it is happening and it might be intended to make us argue each other as a diversion from more pressing issues as much of this culture war seems to be trying to accomplish.

We are out to get you gamer

Member when everyone was like "fuck the rich" and occupied together all over the place? And then suddenly for no reason at all people where fighting eachother over stupid shit?
Yeah don't worry about that, just attack everyone who doesn't think like you like a good little pawn, there are NAZIS out there after all and YOU need to be a HERO!

Run for the hills gamer

One user is dragged for saying “wokism”:

I'm sorry if you're ugly and you wanted to be represented in video games but I ain't paying 70 bucks to watch/play ugly characters who have no other reasons to be ugly than wokism.

nawww bro said "wokism" unironically
I bet you threw down your controller in disgust the first time you loaded up Super Mario Bros.
How dare the woke agenda made you play as such a disgusting pile of pixels! If they wanted representation for stubby Italian-American plumbers they shouldn't have gone after YOU'RE monies!
Stay strong Gamer TM.
"Wokism" you didn't have to tell everyone you don't have friends
"wokism" ate my son!!!

The Flairs:

Is gollum as attractive as Andy serkis?
I didn't know the government was keeping titties out of video games.
Watch porn. It has beatiful women fucking ugly freaks like you.

On Day 32 over here! Reading the experiences of people further along in their 75 Hard journeys have been so motivating for me. I shared a recap of my first and second weeks and I'll keep going as long as I have something to share:
PROS / WINS

• I joined the gym connected to my work and am enjoying being able to diversify my workouts. I received one free trainer session and asked her to help me focus on legs and daaaaaamn, I can feel muscles today I've never even felt. She showed me I can do WAY more than I was doing before, so I'm excited to keep up a weight-lifting routine.
• On that note... I spend the first week or two getting a routine down and not overdoing my workouts. I was scared of my body quitting on me so I did a lot of walking and yoga. Now I am ramping up intensity and it feels amazing!!
• Did a body fat check in and I was down 3%. I didn't do a legit DexaScan, so I know results can be less accurate, but I'm still happy to see it moving in the right direction.
• The length of 75 days is so beneficial because, like so many finishers have said, much of these items become not just a time-bound challenge but integrate into a sustainable lifestyle.
• Any alcohol thoughts/cravings went away! Nothing serious but I used alternatives like a non-alcoholic beer and some Poppi sodas (Ginger Lime is my jam) in the first two weeks, but then I just... didn't need anything.

CONS / CHALLENGES

• None? Feeling great and feeling each week like this is easier than the week before
• Admittedly, I need to keep my self-righteousness in check. I'm an Enneagram 1 (anyone else out there??) so we tend to think we're always right already. Add in doing all this hard work, now my brain is making judgmental thoughts ("It's not that hard," "Why are people lazy?" "Everyone makes so many excuses") that are not true, kind, or helpful for my journey.

TIPS

• The challenge is easier if the rest of your life was/is already organized and structured. I do laundry the same day/time every week, my household cleaning is on a schedule, my family shops for groceries same day/time every week, we meal plan, etc. It's less stressful to fit 1.5 hours of working out plus reading in if you aren't pulled in 50 different directions. I'd schedule everything you can!
• If you work outside the home, stock your office fridge with not just healthy snacks, but healthy foods. On Monday I bring in a grocery bag: cucumbers, broccoli to steam, hard boiled eggs, yogurts, sliced turkey, etc. so if what I pack that day for lunches/snacks doesn't feel like enough, I have really solid and high-protein options.
• Seaweed snacks help with potato chip cravings
• I was using ClassPass (pre-75 Hard) for a variety of classes, mostly yoga. I lowered my plan way down and put the money savings, as I shared above, to a gym membership. For me, having a variety of workout types makes this easier. I would recommend spending money (you're saving on alcohol and eating out anyways!) toward gyms or classes if that is motivating for you!
• Sharing again: OFFLINE by Aerie's "Real Me High Waisted Legging" are my favorites. Thin/light, buttery soft, and they don't stretch out even after years of use. Ladies, you have any sports bra recommendations for small-chested girls, I'd appreciate it!

Wishing everyone continued success!

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Nation of origin: Republic of Terra and her Colonies
Name: Trevor Hatch Anderson
Branch: Terran Interstellar Navy
Ship: TIS Resilience (Destroyer)
Rank: Commander O-5
Service ID Number: 15523721-O5
​
(In following naval traditions from blue water navies on earth the commanding officer of a ship will be referred to as Captain regardless of rank)
​
"Captain we have one battlecruiser, a light cruiser, and 2 destroyers bearing down on us sir." I hear from Lieutenant Commander Tafoya as I step onto the bridge.
I had been woken by a rather panicked looking junior enlisted man just as the general quarters alarm had sounded. He gave a very brief explanation as I rushed to the bridge pulling most of my uniform on as I went. Now I stand in the hatch as I look to make sure everyone is doing what they are supposed to be doing. Everything appears to be as in order as it could be given we have so many ships coming our way.
"Alright Tafoya do you have the identity of the ships? Who are we dealing with right now?" I ask as I move to take the con from her as the steps aside to her assigned post as XO.
"No sir,” her voice steady and words quick, “we have no idea who they are. We tried hailing them but we were ignored and the computer is still trying to get an ID on the ships." she says calmly yet quickly.
"I understand, I want situation reports on all departments immediately" I reply. I'm frustrated that we don't know to which species or nation these ships belong to. We are facing an overwhelming force and we can't even determine who they are.
"Aye, Aye sir" she replies before my thoughts can go too far down the rabbit hole.
Just then one of the ensigns speaks up saying "Captain 15 miles until the ships will be able to fire on us."
I quickly reply with "thank you ensign" before thinking for a bit then asking to no one in particular "what's the status of our patrol fighters?"
another ensign speaks up "we had two out on patrol when the ships wouldn't respond they were ordered to get a closer look they were destroyed before they could report back sir."
"thank you ensign." That's not good. We only have six fighters total. Things are just getting worse.
I reach over and click a small button on my Terminal before pick up what looks to be a old style wired telephone and putting it to my ear "Bridge to CIC this is Captain Anderson I need to know how long until we can have our alert fighters launched"
"Give me a second sir" I heard back before. there is a few seconds of silence on the line before the other person speaks up again "We have two being armed they will be done inside of five minutes, the other two had just returned from patrol 30 minutes or so ago and are being refueled they should be ready in two minutes or so if you don't want them to completely fueled sir"
I think for a second before deciding. "alright two minutes and i want those birds out of my hanger and running picket duty until the other fighters are launched i will have fresh orders for them then"
"Aye, aye sir" then the is a distinct click as the connection is suspended and I hang up my end as well
I sit back for a second unsure of what else but making sure to not let this show on my face. My men need to see me confident and determined.
"let me know once we find a match for the ships and also send a contact report to fleet headquarters" I order to the open air
"Aye, aye sir" is echoed from several places around the bridge. I then hear from the same ensign as earlier "10 miles sir ETA to contact one minute"
I look around my bridge at all the men and women working so diligently before my eyes settle on the main screen, showing the opposing ships launching their own fighters. not many but enough that my own pilots will be fighting an uphill battle.
"Sir we have received a message on an encrypted comms channel"
"Sir they are launching something, Sensors indicate they will impact Life support, the main reactor, and the engine bay" I hear simultaneously.
"Evasive maneuvers" i order as i grip onto the bars around the console "send the message to my Terminal, Brown" i say to the young woman that said we had received it.
I hear in the background "All crew Brace for evasive maneuvers" then i feel the gut churning sensation of my vessel violently maneuvering in all directions through the void. After a few seconds go by i look to the young officer manning the helm and ask "what's the situation Johnston"
he quickly replies "They don't appear to be guided by any sensors so they are still tracking us sir"
I suddenly remember the message and glance at the screen of my console. It's some long-winded document i dont have the time to read right now. Of course, typical aliens.
I keep my hold on the bars as I wait for the all clear to be sounded or worse the feeling whatever it is hitting my ship. Then it happens I'm shaken violently as men and women are thrown around the bridge like toys. I myself am knocked back against the bulkhead. Yet I neither hear nor feel an explosion.
“Damage report” I demand as I struggle to my feet along with most of the bridge crew. I look around as the young sailors put their trust in my, half full coffee cups thrown all around their contents spill wildly everywhere pens, pencils, and notepads scattered about the room. And I think back that not just the people hear but every sailor on my ship trusts me to make sure they get home safely. And I just failed them. Some of my sailors just died in that hit. But I can't grieve. I've still got sailors and marines aboard that are still alive.
“Sir two of the projectiles missed one hit near the engine bay severing power to two of our three engines. No casualties in the engine bay I can reach right now but it appears 4 marines, MIA presumed sucked into the vacuum and 9 were injured by shrapnel. Also sir the weapons appear to be some kind of kinetic kill weapon. We are lucky it was a glancing blow. If it had been a solid hit it would have blown us in half.” indeed it was lucky but right now i've got to find a way to escape and warn other human ships.
“Brown Forward that message to all human naval ships in comms range with an addendum to forward to FLEETCOM then begin loading it for long range comms so we can send it to them too” I say briefly having forgotten about it in the chaos.
Just then I heard one of the crew ask “are we gonna make it sir?”
I look around the room and I'm reminded that most of them haven’t even reached 20 years old yet. But for every look of fear I see I also see a grim determination behind their eyes. They aren’t stupid they know a destroyer like ours can’t survive the fleet of ships facing us.
Just as I go to reply I feel the ship shudder again but this time it's reassuring. I look out one of the port holes as I see one of the fighters get launched from the hangar. Doubtless the other one has been launched on the other side.
“Only way is if we fight hard and honestly if a QRF is quick, Wickham” I say finally answering the lingering question. I let out a sigh as I look at the fear written on his face. He has only been on ship for maybe a week having just completed his job schooling. Hell the poor guy probably shouldn’t be on the bridge. His senior LIDAR operator fell sick before departure and had to be left behind. “Don't worry you're doing fine” I say , trying to encourage the boy.
“Sir enemy Fighters Closing to engage”
“Sir enemy entering firing range”
“Sir they are launching more of those weapons” I hear in a cacophony of voices as several people all try to inform me of various things at once.
I don't even need to say anything as the ship desperately tries to maneuver to avoid the KKW inbound. I also feel the vibrations as nearly every point defense gun comes to life trying to fend off the enemy fighters.
Suddenly i feel the ship rock again as something explodes somewhere in the ship
I look to Tafoya for an explanation “One of our fighters was destroyed while launching damage to the hanger is severe sir” she says without needing any prompting.
The thought that I wouldn't have anyone in the universe but her helping command the right now, not even Leonidas and his spartans.
My eyes scan the room as everyone is working vigorously relaying information and targeting data to where it needs to go. I can tell the ship isn’t going to escape the KKW this time. Not with two thirds of our engines inoperable.
“Commander order our fighters to kill those fucking KKW’
“Aye, aye” is the response i get the stress starting to drip into my XOs voice
Suddenly i feel the ship lurch forward and a few seconds later somewhere in the bridge i hear “Captain Damage control has restored power to the engines”
“Johnston, close with the enemy and put their destroyer between us and the rest of their ships. I want all guns to focus fire on their destroyer as well” i order with renewed vigor “ we gotta kill at least one of the bastard ships right?”
“YES SIR!” I hear definitely shouted back surprisingly I hear Wickham enthusiastically among them.
“What's the status of our shields have they come back online since that hit we took? I request
“No sir it was a lot of force they took the will be down for the foreseeable future” the shielding tech Petty officer Vega calls out
I watch as the enemy destroyer is Hammered mercilessly by our guns and missiles but defiantly refusing to die.
“Lieutenant Raff your cleared to fire a nuclear warhead against the battlecruiser”
“Hell yeah sir we are cooking now” I hear back with no small amount of excitement in his voice.
I lean forward the adrenaline racing through my body as the distinct alarm warning of a nuclear launch starts to sound. I punch my ship intercom to being active and say “all crew brace for danger close nuclear detonation” the distance between us and the enemy fleet rapidly closing
I hear shouts as I watch in horror as one of the fighters gets hit and spirals out of control towards the Resilience before I can call out a warning on my still active intercom it slams into one of the forward most gun batteries ripping it clean off the hull. Unfortunate gunners are ripped from their posts and flung deep into the blackness as the very air around them turns into the instrument of their death.
“Medical teams to turret A'' I say into my mic before shutting down the intercom knowing already it's futile. No one was left in the remains of the turret. We also now only have 2 fighters left and against a swarm of enemy fighters that's only growing
Suddenly there is a bright flash and everyone shields their eyes and not even a moment later the ship is rocked violently again as the shock wave from the nuclear detonation blankets the ship. The lights and systems flicker for a moment as the electromagnetic shielding built into the ship threatens to fail.
“Sitrep” i call out
Wickham speaks up “LIDAR Shows all fighters in the area destroyed sir it appears the battle cruiser was hit pretty hard but i can’t say how much damage, the blast did blow here a few miles out of formation so thats good.”
All the sudden cheers erupt as I look to see the enemy destroyer begin to go critical then detonate throwing debris and whole sections of the ship in all directions. I couldn’t celebrate though. I couldn’t remember if I had warned the pilots of the nuke… I just gave an order that just murdered my own men.
“Close with the nearest ship” I shout over the cheers of my crew “Tafoya Damage report” I then say while looking at my XO again.
“It's not good sir, the continuous fire from so many ships has left nearly every deck leaking atmo, and half our point defense guns are melted to slag. Of the missiles we haven't fired, their launchers are too damaged to fire. And our FTL ate a round from the main turret battery on the cruiser so retreat is no longer an option. At least not unless we abandon ship” she says solemnly. Fortunately no one heard her over their excitement of all that's going on.
I look down briefly then back to her “I think we have done enough. We don't know who they are or why they are attacking us. As far as we know they are well equipped pirates that were intent on taking some human slaves from one of the colonies around here. We have bloodied their noses nicely. Now lets see about making an escape especially since we managed to get a warning out to nearby ships. I think you're right, we’re abandoning ship.”
“Are you sure? They might retreat now that we have damaged their battle cruiser?”
“Doubtful. If they are pirates we are a lone heavily damaged destroyer and they outnumber us they will take revenge. If they are some kind of professional force they will likely push the attack because of the state of our ship. In addition to the fact that we only got a kill on their destroy so unless it had some mission sensitive equipment they still have their own orders to complete”
“Fuck” she says “I hate that your right”
“So do I”
“How are we gonna get away in the pods?”
“I'm gonna stay with the ship with a volunteer skeleton crew and continue to fight”
“God damn it Trevor this isn’t a fucking movie, and its not the 1800s you dont have to go down with your ship”
“No i don't but if i don’t they will either destroy the pods or pick them up before the microdrive in them can get you to safety”
“Fine i'm staying too”
“Nope i'm ordering you to lead the crew to safety”
“Fuck you” she says the anger and pain clear in her voice. Can’t blame her id feel the same way if i were in her shoes getting ordered to abandon people like that.
I reach over and click the ship intercom into the on position again “All crew. You all fought hard and bravely. But the gigs up, abandon ship” i then flip it off and pick up my phone flipping it to the CIC once more “Bridge to CIC the is Captain Anderson. Please transfer all your functions to the bridge.”
“Sir, are you staying on the ship?”
“Yes I am”
“Sir you won't have the main guns If you do. Would you like me to order the gun crews to stay in place?”
“No only ask for volunteers to stay”
“Aye, aye sir and thank you for letting us fight with you” is all I hear before the click of the operator on the other end hanging up.
“Alright Everyone, I need some volunteers to stay and help me man the ship while everyone else escapes. Who's staying? I ask as the noise of everyone shuffling to get into their groups for the escape pods. The lull in the battle created by the nuke becoming more evident.
After a few seconds several people step away from their groups back to their posts. Among them Johnston and Wickham. I step back to my post as well before having a thought
“Oh and none of you think that the XO is fleeing out of cowardice. I've ordered her to go with you to maintain control.” with that i wave my hand for them to go as a notification pings on my terminal. As I look at it I see it's a report from the CIC on the gun crews that are staying behind.
It reads as “ Turret A all KIA Turret B 6 gunners staying behind Turret Y 5 gunners Turret Z 2 gunners who are transferring to the other turrets.” I sigh at the report. At least it's better than nothing. I look away as the last of the crew leaves the room and look around at the handful of faces as suddenly I become aware that the battlecruiser is almost back into position while it seems the EMP shielding on the Heavy Cruiser Failed and she is drifting limply through space.
That does last long as I see lights across the ship come back online and the engines begin to relight.
“Wickham, where is the Light cruiser?” i demand as escape pods begin to jettison from the ship
“I… I don't know sir it's disappeared from my scope i think the nuke damaged the Lidar sir but i don’t know i wouldn’t really know how to tell” he stammers out
“Alright we need to find her i very highly doubt she was destroyed” i say but Johnston speaks up
“Sir she was blown off course as well but unlike the battle cruiser she seems down for the count im seeing multiple small explosions all over the hull. Your probably right that she won't be destroyed but she isn’t in fighting shape anymore sir.”
“Ok. lets close with that heavy and fuck her up before she is able to get back on her feet” i then click on my intercom and say into “gun crews fire on the Heavy cruiser put as many shells down range as you can before he power systems stabilize” i leave it open so i can command the guns easier as i move to one of the weapons stations and set the point defense to begin firing on the cruiser as well before moving back to my post.
“Sir, I've received a communique from the TIS Propriety. She and 3 other ships will be here in 30 minutes”
I chuckle and say “I guess it's better that they are late than not showing up at all right.” earning a few half hearted laughs
Suddenly the ship rocks violently and we are all thrown around again and I get up and run to the engineering console and see that we got hit with another KKW. it true to what i was told has blown us in half the back half continuing on under its own power albeit with no real control to where it's going. I look out the port hole to see all the guns still blazing away.
“Johnston Stabilize the ship Wickem get over to one of the weapon stations and take over the targeting for our secondaries.” I command knowing the computer can’t correct for the wildly spinning ship. Even if we lost the Main engines the ship still has RCS thrusters to help control the ship at various points. Heres hope we still have enough to get our ship under control as we struggle to move under the intense G forces.
Struggling to stay standing at this point i call out to johnston “Damn it get this ship stabilized we can't fight like this”
I watch as the back half of the ship suddenly explodes in the split second I could see it before it passes out of view for a short time but as we come back around all that's left is debris.
It takes a few seconds but those seconds feel like hours as I begin to feel the rate of spin and rotation begin to slow as Wickham finally makes it to the weapons station. Finally able to crawl a bit as the Gs lessen, I move over to one of the other crew that stayed behind and grab her.
“Go over the and man that console i want to know if we have incoming” i then crawl with her over there and climb up the console as we slow even more finally being able to stand but feeling uncomfortably heavy.
As I look at the console I start trying to see the status of our missile tubes. desperately i look through them to find one that still has missiles. I find a few that say they haven’t fired them but from the damage indicators one would think the missiles inside had detonated before launching but i do find one with Three missiles thats lost power so i begin making my way over to the engineering console as the young woman from before call out to Johnston so he can try and use what few abilities to move as he can to avoid incoming fire. It's not doing much as I watch our main battery take a direct hit, blowing it to pieces and leaving us with only point defense and a handful of secondaries. As I make it to the terminal I want I look up and see that the heavy cruiser has been peppered harshly with our fire and looks terrible. But that just looks like only their armor was shredded; it's unlikely our guns went through it and into any major subsystems.
I begin despairingly searching through the ship electrical systems to find a way to get power back to the missiles. I finally find a way to reroute the power and hopefully restore power by retracting one of the point defense guns and using its barrel as a jumper to get power flowing again.
I do this and then rush over to a weapons station but am knocked off my feet as the ship is rocked with fire again. I can hear the compartment behind the bridge explosively decompress as the bulkhead shudders and bow outward due to the sudden uncontrolled decompression. Fortunately it holds and I scramble to my feet
As I get to the weapons station I set it to the missile launcher and begin the process of selecting the target. I don't hesitate and select the Heavy Cruiser and click the button to launch. I watch as the 3 missiles burst from their tubes and race off to their target. Fortunately one thing us peppering that Cruiser did was knock out a lot of the PD weapons.
Suddenly I hear “INCOMING!! BRACE! BRACE! BRA-”
​

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Hi ShopifyeCommerce - I'm Paul and I follow the e-commerce industry closely for my Shopifreaks E-commerce Newsletter. Each week I post a summary recap of the week's top stories, which I cover in depth in the newsletter. Let's dive in...
Amazon is delaying its controversial new low inventory fee for the second time as it looks to satiate the hundreds of thousands of sellers it outraged with the original announcement. The company announced via its seller forum that it would be extending the grace period through May 14th. In addition to the delay, Amazon made some general changes to the upcoming fee structure such as the fee will not apply to products that have sold fewer than 20 units in the last week, any fees incurred due to excessive inbounding and processing times caused by Amazon will be refunded, and Amazon will provide an exception to the fee on products that are part of Prime-exclusive sales for the four weeks following Prime Day.
Shein has been courting brands like Colgate-Palmolive, Hasbro, Suntory Beverage & Food, and Bella Aurora in an attempt to sell more household names on its platform. The company, which is known for selling its own cheap clothing and accessories, is moving into other categories like beauty and household items to better compete with Amazon on its turf. So far Shein has given brands and retailers access to its platform in nine European countries, United States, Brazil and Mexico. Shein says that the inspiration for adding new categories is that customers were already searching for those types of products and brands across its platform.
Kohl's is re-entering the same-day delivery business — this time leveraging the Instacart app and its network of drivers. The company says that Instacart enables 109M US households to obtain delivery in as fast as an hour from 1,172 Kohl's stores across the U.S. Customers ordering Kohl's deliveries on Instacart can still earn their Kohl's Rewards loyalty points, as well as place orders for either same-day or scheduled delivery, with the same prices as in-store. Product categories eligible for same-day delivery include accessories, home goods, beauty & skincare items, and pet supplies.
As part of its mission to enhance its e-commerce business, Nordstrom introduced a new digital marketplace on its website, initially showcasing a selection of products from Mulberry, Adore Me, Cynthia Rowley, and DXL. This move catches Nordstrom up to retailers like Macy's, Walmart, and Michaels, which have all created third-party marketplaces in recent years. As opposed to casting a wide net, Nordstrom is being very particular about which sellers to allow on its marketplace, carefully selecting brand partners “to ensure that our marketplace experience drives the relevance and inspiration that Nordstrom customers expect from us.”
Walmart is now able to sell physical goods directly to users inside Roblox for the first time. The introduction of real-life e-commerce of tangible items is a milestone for Roblox, which aims to become an all-encompassing destination for virtual life. Virtual users are greeted with a new storefront that showcases virtual copies of physical items sold at real-life Walmart stores. The customer can try out the virtual item on their avatar. Customers can then load a virtual browser window inside Roblox that imitates the experience of shopping on Walmart's website. From there they follow the traditional form of entering their payment and shipping details within the virtual checkout. (Missed opportunity! They should have had the virtual avatar fumble with a self-checkout kiosk while an angry Walmart employee avatar stares them down. LOL)
Roblox also expanded access to its video ad inventory to all advertisers last week, following a six-month beta test. Advertisers can now purchase video ads through Roblox's self-serve tool, with plans to allow advertisers to purchase ads through PubMatic in the near future. Video ads in Roblox take the form of screens and billboards embedded within Roblox’s virtual worlds. The launch of video ads is part of Roblox’s aim to get brands to view it as a full advertising platform rather than a testing ground for their innovation budgets.
Amazon reported its first-quarter earnings last week and it turns out the company is doing really well. CEO Andy Jassy and CFO Brian Olsavsky informed investors of several company milestones on its recent earnings call such as tripling its profit from $3.2B to $10.4B in the same period YoY. Net sales at its online store rose 7% to $54.7B and at physical stores rose 6.3% to $5.2B. Ad sales overall rose 24% to $11.8B.
Walmart is planning to close all 51 of its health centers across five states, changing course from its originally stated plan of expanding to 75 locations this year. The company also plans to end its telehealth services, citing operational costs and reimbursement complexities that made its healthcare business unsustainable. All centers stopped accepting new patients last week, however, Walmart said it would continue to care for existing patients during the transition, as well as help its healthcare associates transition to other roles as it winds down the business. The company plans on keeping open its 3,000 vision centers and 4,600 pharmacies, which will continue to offer health screenings and testing.
Amazon, Starbucks, and McDonald's executives say US consumers are becoming more prudent with their spending — now looking for deals, seeking lower priced items, and being more particular about where they spend their money. Starbucks CEO Laxman Narasimhan said, “We continue to feel the impact of a more cautious consumer, particularly with our more occasional customer,” noting that it had affected traffic and sales across the industry. “Many customers are being more exacting about where and how they choose to spend their money, particularly with stimulus savings mostly spent.” (Mostly spent? LOL. How long does he think that $1200 lasted?) Or maybe the true story is that consumers have ALWAYS been prudent with their spending, and these corporations simply took their price increases too far so people went elsewhere? Maybe the country is NOT headed into a recession and we're all just sick of your price gouging?
Travis Hess is joining BigCommerce as the company's new president, charged with leading its global strategic and operational expansion. Hess has spent more than 15 years in senior leadership positions at e-commerce companies, most recently as managing director of Accenture, and he's also served on partner advisory boards for Shopify, Klaviyo, SAP/Hybrid, and Rackspace.
Social media overtook paid search as the world's largest advertising channel, with Western platforms growing the fastest driven by Chinese brands targeting US and European audiences. Social media ads are forecasted to reach $247.3B this year, up 14.3% from a year ago, with TikTok estimated to earn $23.1B of that.
16% of U.S. parents surveyed said their Gen Alpha children have an online-shopping addiction, with 22% saying their kids prefer online shopping to other forms of entertainment including watching TV. Almost half said their kids buy themselves clothes online, and 32% said their kids are interested in beauty products. Sounds to me like 16% of U.S. parents could use a lesson on parenting.
TikTok said in its latest safety report that it blocked 37M attempted product listings and 2M seller registrations from July to December 2023. The company said it also remove 133k individual products after they were listed on the site and deactivated the accounts of more than one million sellers because of policy violations.
Wix launched a new feature called Wix Proposals that helps users create attractive proposals to convert leads into new clients, collect digital signatures, and manage setting up payments. The feature is powered by the Prospero business proposal platform, which is now integrated directly with Wix’s business management tools.
The Canada Revenue Agency wants to obtain large troves of Shopify merchant information including bank account info, total transaction value, birth dates, and social insurance numbers in order to check if they've paid all their taxes. Shopify has been fighting the “outrageous” request for over a year now, also arguing that it doesn't keep much of the requested information on hand, which the CRA doesn't believe.
Sam's Club is turning to AI to speed up the process of exiting its stores, allowing customers who pay either at a register or through the Scan & Go mobile app to walk out of the store through large scanners instead of having their purchases double-checked manually by employees. Since unveiling the technology this past January, Sam's Club deployed the scanners at over 120 stores in the US, with plans to expand to all its stores by the end of the year.
Kajabi, the platform for content creators to sell online courses, launched a no-code mobile app offering that lets users host their own customized native app through the App Store and Google Play. The platform previously offered a mobile app for hosting online courses, but this new product allows creators to control the user experience, send push notifications, add custom links to the menus, offer in-app purchases, and more.
Federal prosecutors are investigating the internal practices at Block, with suspicions that its subsidiary Square processed thousands of transactions involving countries subject to economic sanctions as well as multiple crypto transactions for terrorist groups. Most of the transactions discussed with prosecutors were not reported to the government as required, and Block did not correct the company processes when it was alerted to the issues.
Speaking of Block, the company announced its strategy of regularly purchasing Bitcoin for its corporate balance sheet using a dollar cost averaging strategy. The company plans to allocate 10% of its monthly gross profit from Bitcoin products towards investments in the cryptocurrency itself.
The Save Mart Companies which operates Save Mart, Lucky, and FoodMaxx grocery stores, is deploying Instacart Caper Carts, which use computer vision and AI to automatically identify items as they are placed in the cart, at select Save Mart and Lucky stores in the coming months, followed by a broader rollout later this year. The company is also implementing the Instacart FoodStorm order management system, which enables Caper Cart customers to place orders for made-to-order items like fried chicken or custom cakes and pies directly on the cart screen while they shop and receive a notification once it's ready.
ToysRUs.co.uk is seeking a partner for its e-commerce site, which launched in 2022. The company confirmed to suppliers that it is “transitioning to a non-transactional website” as it seeks a new e-commerce partner, but that the website will “continue to promote the Toys R Us brand including our much-loved mascot Geoffrey, while also fully supporting the opening of TOys R Us stores at WHSmith throughout the UK.” Really Toys R Us — an e-commerce partner? Haven't you been down that road before and been majorly burned?
Carvana, the online used car retailer, told investors on an earnings call that it became the most profitable public automotive retailer in the US for the first time after setting new all-time company record this past quarter. The record performance impacted its inventory, with the average time from posting a vehicle on its website to a customer purchasing it decreasing to 13 days in March.
Sam Ash Music, the 100-year-old family operated music instruments retailer, is closing all 42 of its remaining stores nationwide. The company noted on its website that the “unfortunate news also presents a fantastic opportunity for great deals” and marked down all of its products with sale prices that are still higher than what you can buy the same products for on Amazon right now.
Rue21 filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy for its third time in the past twenty years and began the process of closing all 540 of its stores. The company has assets worth up to $500M and liabilities of almost an equal amount, according to its submitted documents. Sounds like a great acquisition target for Overstock! LOL.
A professor from Columbia University asked US courts to affirm the legality of Unfollow Everything 2.0, a browser extension that makes it easier to stop following friends, groups, and pages on Facebook. The lawsuit seeks a declaration that the browser extension does not violate Meta's TOS, the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, or California's Computer Data access and Fraud Act, also arguing that through Section 230, US lawmakers sought “to promote the development of filtering tools that enable users to curate their online experiences and avoid content they would rather not see.” The developer of the original Unfollow Everything was banned from Facebook in 2021 and never released version 2.0 because Meta threatened to sue him if he did.
Amazon, Walmart, Target, and Babylist have pulled weighted infant sleepwear like swaddles, blankets, and sleep-sacks from their shelves amid ongoing concerns over the safety of the products and after receiving a letter from the Consumer Product Safety Commission asking major retailers to remove them from stores. Studies haven’t been able to irrefutably demonstrate the risks of weighted infant sleepwear, however, experts are adamant that weighted products are not safe for infants and claim that the proposed benefit does not outweigh the danger — which is pretty much the same argument lawmakers are using to force the sale of TikTok.
Remember that couple from Utah who accidentally shipped their cat to Amazon in a return package? Well, the cat and her family have since been reunited. After she was discovered, an Amazon employee took the cat to a vet where her microchip was scanned. The couple was contacted and promptly flew to California the next day, rented a car, and drove back home with the cat.
Plus 10 seed rounds, IPOs, and acquisitions of interest including T-Mobile completing its $1.35B acquisition of Ka’ena Corporation, the parent company of Mint Mobile and Ultra Mobile. The deal was first announced last March, and the FTC finally approved the deal over a year later. Ryan Reynolds will continue to serve as Mint’s ambassador, and the company will continue to offer its $15/month 5GB data plan.
I hope you found this recap helpful. See you next week!
For more details on each story and sources, see the full edition: https://www.shopifreaks.com/amazons-fee-delays-sheins-everything-store-nordstroms-marketplace/
What else is new in e-commerce? Share stories of interesting in the comments below (including in your own business) or on shopifreaks.
-PAUL Editor of Shopifreaks E-commerce Newsletter
PS: Want the full editions delivered to your Inbox each week? Join free at www.shopifreaks.com

Hi ecommerce - I'm Paul and I follow the e-commerce industry closely for my Shopifreaks E-commerce Newsletter. Each week I post a summary recap of the week's top stories, which I cover in depth with sources in the full edition. Let's dive in...
Amazon is delaying its controversial new low inventory fee for the second time as it looks to satiate the hundreds of thousands of sellers it outraged with the original announcement. The company announced via its seller forum that it would be extending the grace period through May 14th. In addition to the delay, Amazon made some general changes to the upcoming fee structure such as the fee will not apply to products that have sold fewer than 20 units in the last week, any fees incurred due to excessive inbounding and processing times caused by Amazon will be refunded, and Amazon will provide an exception to the fee on products that are part of Prime-exclusive sales for the four weeks following Prime Day.
Shein has been courting brands like Colgate-Palmolive, Hasbro, Suntory Beverage & Food, and Bella Aurora in an attempt to sell more household names on its platform. The company, which is known for selling its own cheap clothing and accessories, is moving into other categories like beauty and household items to better compete with Amazon on its turf. So far Shein has given brands and retailers access to its platform in nine European countries, United States, Brazil and Mexico. Shein says that the inspiration for adding new categories is that customers were already searching for those types of products and brands across its platform.
Kohl's is re-entering the same-day delivery business — this time leveraging the Instacart app and its network of drivers. The company says that Instacart enables 109M US households to obtain delivery in as fast as an hour from 1,172 Kohl's stores across the U.S. Customers ordering Kohl's deliveries on Instacart can still earn their Kohl's Rewards loyalty points, as well as place orders for either same-day or scheduled delivery, with the same prices as in-store. Product categories eligible for same-day delivery include accessories, home goods, beauty & skincare items, and pet supplies.
As part of its mission to enhance its e-commerce business, Nordstrom introduced a new digital marketplace on its website, initially showcasing a selection of products from Mulberry, Adore Me, Cynthia Rowley, and DXL. This move catches Nordstrom up to retailers like Macy's, Walmart, and Michaels, which have all created third-party marketplaces in recent years. As opposed to casting a wide net, Nordstrom is being very particular about which sellers to allow on its marketplace, carefully selecting brand partners “to ensure that our marketplace experience drives the relevance and inspiration that Nordstrom customers expect from us.”
Walmart is now able to sell physical goods directly to users inside Roblox for the first time. The introduction of real-life e-commerce of tangible items is a milestone for Roblox, which aims to become an all-encompassing destination for virtual life. Virtual users are greeted with a new storefront that showcases virtual copies of physical items sold at real-life Walmart stores. The customer can try out the virtual item on their avatar. Customers can then load a virtual browser window inside Roblox that imitates the experience of shopping on Walmart's website. From there they follow the traditional form of entering their payment and shipping details within the virtual checkout. (Missed opportunity! They should have had the virtual avatar fumble with a self-checkout kiosk while an angry Walmart employee avatar stares them down. LOL)
Roblox also expanded access to its video ad inventory to all advertisers last week, following a six-month beta test. Advertisers can now purchase video ads through Roblox's self-serve tool, with plans to allow advertisers to purchase ads through PubMatic in the near future. Video ads in Roblox take the form of screens and billboards embedded within Roblox’s virtual worlds. The launch of video ads is part of Roblox’s aim to get brands to view it as a full advertising platform rather than a testing ground for their innovation budgets.
Amazon reported its first-quarter earnings last week and it turns out the company is doing really well. CEO Andy Jassy and CFO Brian Olsavsky informed investors of several company milestones on its recent earnings call such as tripling its profit from $3.2B to $10.4B in the same period YoY. Net sales at its online store rose 7% to $54.7B and at physical stores rose 6.3% to $5.2B. Ad sales overall rose 24% to $11.8B.
Walmart is planning to close all 51 of its health centers across five states, changing course from its originally stated plan of expanding to 75 locations this year. The company also plans to end its telehealth services, citing operational costs and reimbursement complexities that made its healthcare business unsustainable. All centers stopped accepting new patients last week, however, Walmart said it would continue to care for existing patients during the transition, as well as help its healthcare associates transition to other roles as it winds down the business. The company plans on keeping open its 3,000 vision centers and 4,600 pharmacies, which will continue to offer health screenings and testing.
Amazon, Starbucks, and McDonald's executives say US consumers are becoming more prudent with their spending — now looking for deals, seeking lower priced items, and being more particular about where they spend their money. Starbucks CEO Laxman Narasimhan said, “We continue to feel the impact of a more cautious consumer, particularly with our more occasional customer,” noting that it had affected traffic and sales across the industry. “Many customers are being more exacting about where and how they choose to spend their money, particularly with stimulus savings mostly spent.” (Mostly spent? LOL. How long does he think that $1200 lasted?) Or maybe the true story is that consumers have ALWAYS been prudent with their spending, and these corporations simply took their price increases too far so people went elsewhere? Maybe the country is NOT headed into a recession and we're all just sick of your price gouging?
Travis Hess is joining BigCommerce as the company's new president, charged with leading its global strategic and operational expansion. Hess has spent more than 15 years in senior leadership positions at e-commerce companies, most recently as managing director of Accenture, and he's also served on partner advisory boards for Shopify, Klaviyo, SAP/Hybrid, and Rackspace.
Social media overtook paid search as the world's largest advertising channel, with Western platforms growing the fastest driven by Chinese brands targeting US and European audiences. Social media ads are forecasted to reach $247.3B this year, up 14.3% from a year ago, with TikTok estimated to earn $23.1B of that.
16% of U.S. parents surveyed said their Gen Alpha children have an online-shopping addiction, with 22% saying their kids prefer online shopping to other forms of entertainment including watching TV. Almost half said their kids buy themselves clothes online, and 32% said their kids are interested in beauty products. Sounds to me like 16% of U.S. parents could use a lesson on parenting.
TikTok said in its latest safety report that it blocked 37M attempted product listings and 2M seller registrations from July to December 2023. The company said it also remove 133k individual products after they were listed on the site and deactivated the accounts of more than one million sellers because of policy violations.
Wix launched a new feature called Wix Proposals that helps users create attractive proposals to convert leads into new clients, collect digital signatures, and manage setting up payments. The feature is powered by the Prospero business proposal platform, which is now integrated directly with Wix’s business management tools.
The Canada Revenue Agency wants to obtain large troves of Shopify merchant information including bank account info, total transaction value, birth dates, and social insurance numbers in order to check if they've paid all their taxes. Shopify has been fighting the “outrageous” request for over a year now, also arguing that it doesn't keep much of the requested information on hand, which the CRA doesn't believe.
Sam's Club is turning to AI to speed up the process of exiting its stores, allowing customers who pay either at a register or through the Scan & Go mobile app to walk out of the store through large scanners instead of having their purchases double-checked manually by employees. Since unveiling the technology this past January, Sam's Club deployed the scanners at over 120 stores in the US, with plans to expand to all its stores by the end of the year.
Kajabi, the platform for content creators to sell online courses, launched a no-code mobile app offering that lets users host their own customized native app through the App Store and Google Play. The platform previously offered a mobile app for hosting online courses, but this new product allows creators to control the user experience, send push notifications, add custom links to the menus, offer in-app purchases, and more.
Federal prosecutors are investigating the internal practices at Block, with suspicions that its subsidiary Square processed thousands of transactions involving countries subject to economic sanctions as well as multiple crypto transactions for terrorist groups. Most of the transactions discussed with prosecutors were not reported to the government as required, and Block did not correct the company processes when it was alerted to the issues.
Speaking of Block, the company announced its strategy of regularly purchasing Bitcoin for its corporate balance sheet using a dollar cost averaging strategy. The company plans to allocate 10% of its monthly gross profit from Bitcoin products towards investments in the cryptocurrency itself.
The Save Mart Companies which operates Save Mart, Lucky, and FoodMaxx grocery stores, is deploying Instacart Caper Carts, which use computer vision and AI to automatically identify items as they are placed in the cart, at select Save Mart and Lucky stores in the coming months, followed by a broader rollout later this year. The company is also implementing the Instacart FoodStorm order management system, which enables Caper Cart customers to place orders for made-to-order items like fried chicken or custom cakes and pies directly on the cart screen while they shop and receive a notification once it's ready.
ToysRUs.co.uk is seeking a partner for its e-commerce site, which launched in 2022. The company confirmed to suppliers that it is “transitioning to a non-transactional website” as it seeks a new e-commerce partner, but that the website will “continue to promote the Toys R Us brand including our much-loved mascot Geoffrey, while also fully supporting the opening of TOys R Us stores at WHSmith throughout the UK.” Really Toys R Us — an e-commerce partner? Haven't you been down that road before and been majorly burned?
Carvana, the online used car retailer, told investors on an earnings call that it became the most profitable public automotive retailer in the US for the first time after setting new all-time company record this past quarter. The record performance impacted its inventory, with the average time from posting a vehicle on its website to a customer purchasing it decreasing to 13 days in March.
Sam Ash Music, the 100-year-old family operated music instruments retailer, is closing all 42 of its remaining stores nationwide. The company noted on its website that the “unfortunate news also presents a fantastic opportunity for great deals” and marked down all of its products with sale prices that are still higher than what you can buy the same products for on Amazon right now.
Rue21 filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy for its third time in the past twenty years and began the process of closing all 540 of its stores. The company has assets worth up to $500M and liabilities of almost an equal amount, according to its submitted documents. Sounds like a great acquisition target for Overstock! LOL.
A professor from Columbia University asked US courts to affirm the legality of Unfollow Everything 2.0, a browser extension that makes it easier to stop following friends, groups, and pages on Facebook. The lawsuit seeks a declaration that the browser extension does not violate Meta's TOS, the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, or California's Computer Data access and Fraud Act, also arguing that through Section 230, US lawmakers sought “to promote the development of filtering tools that enable users to curate their online experiences and avoid content they would rather not see.” The developer of the original Unfollow Everything was banned from Facebook in 2021 and never released version 2.0 because Meta threatened to sue him if he did.
Amazon, Walmart, Target, and Babylist have pulled weighted infant sleepwear like swaddles, blankets, and sleep-sacks from their shelves amid ongoing concerns over the safety of the products and after receiving a letter from the Consumer Product Safety Commission asking major retailers to remove them from stores. Studies haven’t been able to irrefutably demonstrate the risks of weighted infant sleepwear, however, experts are adamant that weighted products are not safe for infants and claim that the proposed benefit does not outweigh the danger — which is pretty much the same argument lawmakers are using to force the sale of TikTok.
Remember that couple from Utah who accidentally shipped their cat to Amazon in a return package? Well, the cat and her family have since been reunited. After she was discovered, an Amazon employee took the cat to a vet where her microchip was scanned. The couple was contacted and promptly flew to California the next day, rented a car, and drove back home with the cat.
Plus 10 seed rounds, IPOs, and acquisitions of interest including T-Mobile completing its $1.35B acquisition of Ka’ena Corporation, the parent company of Mint Mobile and Ultra Mobile. The deal was first announced last March, and the FTC finally approved the deal over a year later. Ryan Reynolds will continue to serve as Mint’s ambassador, and the company will continue to offer its $15/month 5GB data plan.
I hope you found this recap helpful. See you next week!
PAUL Editor of Shopifreaks E-Commerce Newsletter
PS: If I missed any big news this week, please share in the comments.

Ei, gente. Eu tenho alguns livros publicados em PT, mas ultimamente tenho visto que o nosso mercado para romances hot tá bastante cansado. Muita história igual, mesmo enredo, mesmos personagens, e sem espaço para as pessoas trazerem coisas originais.
Por causa disso, comecei a traduzir alguns dos meus livros e contos para EN. É uma forma de me aventurar fora do nosso mercado e entender uma coisa ou duas sobre o que poderia fazer de diferente.
Adoraria a opinião de vocês sobre essas traduções e os enredos em si! Vou deixar aqui um trechinho de um conto que tá publicado na íntegra na minha comunidade aqui no Reddit.
[Fetishes] The one about the cop
Natalie was ready. She had a mischievous smile on her face, the flag in her hands, and that pleasant adrenaline rush that wouldn't go away until everything was over. Between the two colorful cars, with engines roaring loudly in threat and display, she couldn't tell which one attracted more attention. People around her shouted, threw money at each other, fired shots into the sky, and looked at her with desire. Of course, her leopard print bra made her tits as eye-catching as possible, and the black high-waisted skirt barely covered the curve of her buttocks. To top it all off, she was the one indicating when the race began, so the power associated with that was dazzling. She loved when people looked at her like that. As if there was anything she could do, and still carry on being called hot and leaving men hard wherever she went by. Even the competitors had their eyes on her for reasons beyond the wait for the flag to drop. One of them bit their lip and shook his head, trying to focus on his hands and not his lap. The other had long given up, and would only roar and step on it while looking at her with want. Natalie licked her lips, satisfied. "Look", she whispered to herself, "look as much as you can. You can't touch it anyway…" Part of the charm was in that, being unattainable. Which was very good when some of the more grotesque racers came at her wanting her as the night's trophy. Soon men would emerge from all sides to stop them, and she would come out unscathed. However… that's also why it had been so long since she had a good fuck. Her life was all about the underground races, so she had neither time nor disposition to get to know anyone far from there. And in that scenario, no one could take her to bed. Because of that, she tried to be content with the excitement that would always run through her body whenever she was about to start a race. She would cling to that adrenaline rush and enjoy every passing moment as if it was a slow and painful orgasm that could never hit its apex. And then, her own fingers had to take care of the rest, in the place's filthy bathroom, while everybody was hugging and punching, celebrating or sorrowing the night's results. Here we go again… Natalie bounced her hip side to side, and the crowd fell into silence. It was starting. She felt her panties start to weigh, her mouth start to dry, her breasts to heat up. She smiled at the attentive audience and raised her slender arm with the black and white flag. The night's racers took a deep breath, gripping the steering wheel tightly. She scanned each tense face within her reach, finding one she didn't recognize. He had blue eyes, a square jaw, unruly hair, and a body that set the imagination free. She smiled at him, receiving one in return, and just like that, she already knew who she would think about on her next visit to the bathroom. The discomfort between her thighs grew progressively. She rubbed them together and tested her knees, knowing she would have to squat before the enraged cars passed her by. The flag dropped at the same instant a siren was heard. Within seconds, the place was surrounded by patrol cars. Chaos ensued, people bumping into each other trying to get out of there, trying to leave without being detained. Nobody helped each other because everyone knew that the only way they could have been found was if someone from the inside had given away the scheme to the authorities. And anyone could be the culprit at this point. Natalie took advantage of her crouched position to survey the area and find some opening through which she could escape. Her heart was pounding loudly in her ears, and the usual adrenaline had been intensified, leaving her almost breathless. She couldn't see a way out unscathed; the place was truly surrounded, and people were being held tightly by police officers and thrown into the back seats of countless patrol cars. She decided to run, hoping her stature and agility would help her evade the cops. She stood up and took off, only to be stopped by a hand on her forearm. She turned around with panic in her eyes, coming face to face with the same blue eyes from the moment of the race. Satisfied, she was sure he was there to help, that he had been concerned about her, and she smiled in relief. "Come with me, I'll get you out of here," he said, his deep voice sending shivers down her spine. She nodded in agreement and let him guide her to a black Mercedes. They weren't intercepted, and she thanked God. The place was almost empty now; everyone had been caught or was about to be, and the patrol cars were already heading to the nearest police station. Natalie got into the sports car with the stranger, looking around scared and breathless, suspicious of her luck in not being captured yet. He started the engine and sped off, and she looked at him as if he were crazy. "Are you insane? We won't be able to get out of here, the passage is closed. Shut this the fuck down and let's stay hidden in here until they leave" se said. The windows were dark enough that if nobody had seen them enter there, they wouldn't suspect that there were people inside the car. The stranger smiled at her and reached out a hand to caress her face, to which she recoiled with a furrowed brow. "Don't worry, darling. I'll take care of you." Putting the Mercedes in motion, Blue Eyes skirted the area and exited through the main gate without alarming the two police officers who were watching that area. Natalie parted her lips, worried, and dug her nails into the leather upholstery. "Who are you?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper. He smiled again, driving quickly through the deserted streets in the early hours of the morning. "You have the right to remain silent," he replied, and she swallowed hard. "Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law..."
Leia na íntegra

Alright, now that the dust has settled we can go back and hit replay on this video, there’s still a bunch of stuff about it we don’t know. And with the possibility that there’s still more beef to go, it’s possible that Drake’s team put clues in here we didn’t spot. So here’s my take on everything we see:
— Spinning chain at the start. Looks like a glittering snake when it stops, it’s Drakes as we see later but not sure if it means anything — Crushing the GKMC car. Obvious meaning, but they did the rims wrong — The second car in black and white, it seems to be a different one from the van. I’m guessing it’s a hearse? For a coffin, but not sure whose since this part of the track is about everyone except Kendrick — 99% sure that the New Ho King scene was filmed after (and responding to) Euphoria, and the reference to it by Kendrick it wasn’t because someone leaked to him they were filing there. The owner is shown wearing Pharrell’s chains, which is a direct riposte to K’s verse. — There is a note from Pablo Escobar under the Tupac ring close-up. The translation from Spanish is “[BLOCKED] appreciation for a great friend… very [BLOCKED], very honest and very brave”. Maybe it’s more stuff from Drake’s memorabilia collection? Can’t find any evidence of a link between Escobar and the Pac ring, and this quote doesn’t appear anywhere online. — A shot of two twin birthday cakes, in different colours: “happy co-parenting, happy divorce”. This seems to be a straightforward portrayal of Drake’s Dave Free claim, and the two cakes (white and blue) possibly representing the different skin tones of Kendrick’s two children. — A silhouette shot of a producer at his desk (I can’t tell who it is), and then a strung-out white bra in the foreground. No idea what this means, don’t think it’s just a shot of work mixing with pleasure — A close-up Mike Jackson memorabilia: Two unpacked figurines of (white) MJ and then the white glove rising up, maybe an echo of the Maybach glove in the mole photo, reframing it back from OJ to MJ. There’s also a figuring of someone in a yellow bucket hat but I can’t ID it. It zooms in on one of the figurines and it shows “black or white”, which seems like a pretty simplistic echo of what Drake says in his bars a few seconds later. — A shot of a “recording” sign above an unknown recording booth. Maybe just a simple out-take from Drake laying down this track.. if you want to read into it, it could be some suggestion of video or audio evidence that Drake’s side might have about something. — The last minute takes place in the mansion of this guy Andy Curnew. As far as we can tell all the stuff lying around is just how he has his garden normally, so we shouldn’t overthink it. But the background shows a massive pirate‘s head structure, blue lambo, yellow golf buggy, some weird yellow gnome in a red jacket. And more that follows — Shot of Drake walking wearing a blue shirt and bandana. Might be an homage to Tupac’s blue bandana, in all other shots he’s changed out into a different plainer outfit — There’s a shot of dude in all black with a rain jacket on, looking sad by the pool and listening to something on AirPods. Possibly a depiction of Kendrick listening to the diss? Implied that he’s silently watching the following shot… — A big red skull in a circular flower garden with some stones/flowers scattered around it. Drake and Curnew are walking and talking in the background. I the background is the cell that Curnew, an ex-con, had built in his backyard, as a perfect reconstruction of where he did time. There’s a hole broken in the cell wall on the side. Some people saying that it’s a reference to the punched holes in the wall on the Mr Morale album cover, but I’m sceptical. los a newspaper clipping stuck to the wall, but photos of this place show that’s something Curnew has there all the time (it’s a clipping about him). — A strange scene where the two are speaking (can’t be sure if it’s small talk or something deep). Curnew makes a pushing motion with his right hand. Then Curnew looks over to something out of frame and it cuts to a shot of his cell (which had been behind him in the shot before). Some Drake fans are speculating that the cell is hugely significant and will somehow will be linked to OVO baiting Kendrick with a fake mole, but I don’t see any evidence in the video to even suggest this. This might be just a guy who rents out his mansion to celebrities all the time, he doesn’t seem like a big player in this beef up until now — and last, a close up of drake flashing a necklace with Kendrick’s wife’s engagement ring attached. Another reference to the marriage that never took place, and the idea that Drake has claimed something from that relationship. If true it’s well done, maybe the best part of the video. The ring is not quite the same as the ring as it appears on IG but similar enough. Other people saying it’s also similar to a Pharrell ring as far as I know the jury is out. A possibility that one of the two jeweller’s receipts in Kendrick’s MTG image was for this ring, which puts it at the centre of the claims and counterclaims that each side is playing the other. Kendrick is saying: I knew this jewellery bit was coming, I have the receipt for it, and Drake is saying: I fed you the info, I even gave you the receipt in advance.
That’s all I got, what do you think?

I apologize if I go off the rails here at any point. Also any grammaspelling mistakes or small inconsistencies. Still very hard to collect my thoughts.
The tldr of it is that this will have to be a contingency case. So do I request medical records via the normal methods "for personal review" (or whatever) to shop around/have consults with lawyers, or is it better to go talk to lawyers with my father & I having minimal hard evidence (don't even know if there is any TBH), and then let the lawyers do their thing?
I'm assuming any lawyer would be able to get far more info than my Dad or I, especially considering the fact that staffing, IT records, admin, etc, would likely be integral.
Basically, all we have is the discharge summary & I'm nervous about a normal med rec request triggering any ass covering.
Slightly more detail: (Edit: deleted my afterthought addition)
So my mom died ~1-1/2 months ago. Care at this very large & highly regarded university hospital was well beyond extremely substandard in my non-healthcare-practitioner opinion (but I'm also not green - I've done an enormous amount of research in 30 years). Basically, keeping a frail old lady hostage for 24 hours for 2 imaging studies, b/c "it's so bad something HAS to be done." No food, no water, IV stopped at hour 4 AFAIK. Computer systems crashed. Nobody knows how to do anything w/o the computer system. Lost in system. Lost orders. Lost in hallways. ONE radiologist on duty reading CT's & MRI's at a freaking level 1 trauma center at a huge university. The ONLY lvl 1 in the county.
NO "sorry, you've been delayed due to triage." ALL "sorry, order lost, order not inputted, we couldn't find you, etc, etc."
Ignoring said radiologist's recommendation for lung centric CT scan. (Original was focused on the back, showing how severe a stress fracture was, which is what prompted the "medical intervention is REQUIRED & that requires an MRI" & that didn't happen for another ~6-8 hours)
All to be tossed a back brace (for a patient with COPD that can't even tolerate the constriction of a bra) & be discharged at hour 24, and told to come back in a month after FINALLY getting the MRI. When she'd already been dealing with this x6 weeks. Also with an extended course of identical antibiotics & steroids when they'd been ineffective x4 weeks already.
Now, there's no denying she was in bad shape, but it wasn't death bed bad shape. I'm also fine with her not being a candidate for any procedure due to her condition. (Which is just a guess on my part b/c the switch from "we NEED to do something" to "go home" came w/o explanation)
What I'm not fine with is the total shit show that turned a CT + MRI into a 24 hour affair. Lack of staffing. Lack of procedures when/if MyChart crashes (hospital seriously ground to a halt). Lack of fluids in those 24 hours. Lack of nutrition during those 24 hours. "You really need this MRI so we can do something, it won't be long now" at hour ~16-18. Lack of any home care or hospice options b/c they apparently thought nothing of the toll this 24 hour shit show would take. "Take more of these meds & come back in 4-6 weeks" when she'd already been suffering with a broken back x4-6 weeks & the same meds were ineffective x4 weeks. Then the kicker, "go to an ER if COPD flares/worsens."🤣
We had to talk her into going to this hospital, and after this ordeal, she was not going back willingly.
But this shit show also needlessly sucked every last bit of vital energy she had left, so 1 day post ER with no home care for fluids/nutrients (and us doing our best) she was in an ambulance b/c she became completely incoherent & couldn't say no, and 2 days post ER she was dead.
So, go in with excruciating pain, but walking & talking & alert, come out 24 hours later completely incoherent, dead in 2 days.
I've been party to a lot of shitty Ehospital experiences, but this time it really really really seems to rise to an entirely different level, which is straight negligence.
Anyway. Yeah.
Request records myself to go shopping for attorneys, or shop my father's & I oral account to attorneys & let them handle the pulling of ALL records?
Sorry again if this is an over the place. Tough times.

Hello everyone, I've been lurking here and have been encouraged knowing I'm not alone, thank you all..
I'm 28 and have been struggling with pain for 8 years, I had been in a head on car collision and broke my C2, had two titanium screws put horazontaly (not a fusion) in my C2 to hold the two broken parts together so they could heal. My pain is mostly on the right side of my upper neck, and it has steadily been getting worse as the years go on, at first it didn't hurt much, then by 1 year I was sitting at a 3 everyday with flares up a 5(i hate the pain scale it is so subjective, what is a 3 for me may be a 5 for someone else, and my tolerance has gone up so that screws my perspective too) , it just kept getting worse, and my doctors tell me everything is fine, screws are ok, in place not backing up to a nirve supposedly though idk how they could tell, ct scans, X-rays, they say the pain is all in my head, i do get migrains that hook from the back of my head over the top of my right eye. I'm told they are from tension. Now the pain is like 5-7 everyday all day with flares so bad I can't function, searing pains that makey right and pinky finger go all tingly, I have to get help from fiance to brush and braid my hair, and had to get a front clasping bra, I can't lift my elbows over my shoulder with out freezing up and shooting pains from the top of my neck down my right arm. .. it's been years since I tried to get any help for my pain I had given up after 3 difrent doctors blew me off. But I can't keep going like this, Im taking 2 500 mg acitometophin 4-6 times a day to function, and still limited movements. I eat an anti inflammatory diet, use home remedies and I feel like I'm letting the pain win. I don't know what to do, now that the pain is greatly effected my life and made me give up hobbies and jobs, and joy will they take me seriously? If I tell them I need help to brush my hair will they believe me? Is it worth fighting, because my heart can't take another doctor dismissing my needs. I Grew up in a neglectful household, and always had my needs dismissed and ignored, it takes A LOT for me to ask for help.
I'm scared that it's going to continue to get worse. That I'll never see pain free again, I'm only 28... Will I be able to function at 40? If is was going to get worse I want to take advantage of the abilitys I have now, How can I make the most out of these years of mobility with very little money.
I feel hopeless and trapped, Dose anyone have experience similar to mine? Because I have gotten worse over the years is it likely to continue? How do I pick a doctor, how do I get them the listen to me, and what help can the even give, send me to the pain clinic where they teach you to work through the pain... I already know how to do that.

Vanderpump Rules is a hilarious comedy about what happens when attractive people are accidentally ensnared in Lisa Vanderpump’s tacky trap, and drown under the weight of her cast-off pink flowers. The first season was basically perfect reality tv, and after endless rounds of weird slap-fights and short-term marriages, it appeared to be down to its dying embers, until an unscheduled cheating scandal allowed the show to rise like the phoenix tattoo from Ben Affleck’s back.
“Look, I had a problem with alcohol,” Ben wishes we’d quit reminding him.
With the scandal a hot headline, Bravo scrambled to grab their cameras while everyone was still bleeding in the street, and when it came time to edit, they knew this season wouldn’t be rage-bait unless they anchored it in misogyny.
“I thought we were going to be like the Spice Girls,” Ariana frets. “I was hoping I’d get to zigga-zig-ah.”
“Ha! Turning women against each other is why I wake up in the morning,” Andy Cohen pauses eating a baby long enough to sip from a glass of drunk housewife tears.
April kicks off with Ariana still adjusting to the opportunity and income upgrades birthed from total life upheaval, while the vultures in her network circle the sky for scraps and squawk their way into the narrative. Her ex Sandoval shuffles in platform shoes to embrace his Charlie Brown remorseless redemption arc. This is tricky to sell, since he can’t even perform giving a shit, so he comes off more sociopathic than a serial monogamist who can’t exit a relationship without a lady-in-waiting.
“I feel like I should mention Burning Man again,” Sandoval sighs, promising this isn’t a ten-year midlife crisis, and you don’t need to see his driver’s license to check his age.
Sandoval’s hoping Schaena’s obsessive jealousy over Ariana’s turn on Dancing with the Stars will be enough to derail whatever flimsy loyalty she previously assigned to their friendship, which is a safe bet, since there’s no woman Schaena won’t assign a burning bear suit for a tendril of male approval. So begins her full transformation into Gretchen from Mean Girls, storing everyone’s tea in the location tracker on her phone, and reading off receipts whenever the attention-fairy fails to flap under her chin until she sniffs out the chorus for her next chart-missing autotune monstrosity. This is how she makes fetch happen, and tattoos it onto her arm.
“It’s all happening. It is. IT IS!” Schaena gestures violently at her pop culture initiation ink.
In the past Sandoval recommended that the cheating partner in a relationshit be the one to exit the household, but now that he’s in the village stocks that policy needs a rewrite, and like his last romantic implosion, he refuses to be the one to leave.
“This is why I tell people I wasn’t crazy, I was REACTING!” Kristin reminds everyone this is her Monica Lewinsky year.
So Ariana and Sandoval still occupy the same address, with personal assistant Ann tasked with playing a boring game of telephone. Ann’s duties include tidying the floor’s wayward hair extensions, stuffing laundry into biohazard bags, and marveling at the contents of the litterbox while Tom tracks his reflection during slow treadmill meditations on nailpolish and facial hair. Ariana has been very busy while Sandoval has just been very, so when Ariana asks Ann if she knows anyone looking for assistant work, the person Ann recommends is…herself.
“I’d really really really really like to work for someone who does stuff!” Ann squees.
“Well I’m probably going to get depressed soon, since everyone’s disparaging me for my success, and my best friends kinda aren’t…” Ariana tries to get Ann to calm down.
“I really want to work for you. Really.” Ann can’t be calmed. “I just put an enema bag in the trash. Help me.”
The next day Ann shows up in business casual attire, and quickly checks in on Tom to make sure he hasn’t lost his balance during mandatory mirror-flexing. She tells him Ariana is eager to tap her assistant network, without noting it’s a network of one, and makes haste for the kitchen. With nothing better to do than linger in the doorway of Ariana’s advancement, Sandoval learns THE TRUTH about Ann’s ambitions.
“I won’t fire her exactly, but I’ll humiliate her, and start seeing another assistant on the side,” Tom has one solution for all things.
Once Ann is crying in the kitchen, Sandoval takes his woe-is-me tour outside of the house, for more conversations about how unreasonable Ariana is for stealing the assistant that helps him wrangle the tasks of buying batteries and neglecting animals.
“Those aren’t my pets and I shouldn’t have to take care of them,” Sandoval self-awares. “Still, Ariana shouldn’t say they’re hers just because she adopted them, pays their expenses, and feeds them.”
“You locked my dog in my room for three hours, and it ate my garbage monument,” Ariana scowls.
Tom swears he shoved the litterbox full of feces in the room first, so the dog had a variety of things to snack on. That’s right, we’re given not one but two litterbox reveals, when zero would have been just fine, and it’s hard to believe the presented trough is the product of a single cat’s anal efforts, even over the stretch of a week.
“Grandma, I don’t think a cat would poop on top of poop like that, grandma,” Pogue Bun-Bun can’t believe his pink toes and nose. “I would just stand in front of it and say ‘Grandma’ over and over again while tapping the wall with my beans. Don’t they listen, Grandma?”
“Apparently not, Pogue Pierogi,” Fractalfay says, getting back to the business of doing whatever her toxoplasmosis directs.
All the same, the ASPCA needs to do a wellness check on all animals affiliated with this cast, including the frequently-biting dog working out a name-change, the cat who poops like a 41 year-old narcissist, the post-operative dog recovering from skewer-eating, and anything Schaena’s glued to her eyes.
“It’s mink!” Schaena snaps, reminding us about the time Tom saved her from financial ruin. “That’s just like a weasel or something, it’s not like it was doing anything.”
“Why are you looking at me?” Brock looks up, excited to be included.
Schaena reports she’s wrestling OCD brought on by post-baby hormones and the man-baby she shares a house with. Brock thinks the solution to this anxiety is more nannies, so there’s always someone on hand to pat makeup onto a toddler’s face while he’s busy shopping for budgie smugglers.
“I don’t see why we should parent when we don’t have to parent,” Brock’s done this before.
“I feel like this is your second chance at being a dad though,” Schaena fries.
“Doesn’t everyone get three chances?” Brock checks his notes, but all he’s written down is BECOME SANDOVAL STEP ONE: SHOES.
Schaena needs a hobby to distract herself, so she reveals she’s tracking dozens of people on her phone and knows who hooked up with who. Schaena’s big scoop is that Katie slept with Max, her former stalking victim/one-sided relationshit, and apparently Schwartz’s best friend this season. No one gives a shit in the slightest, despite Lala’s efforts to mountain-up this molehill, so the cast gets back to what they do best: chasing Ariana from scene to scene, asking if she’s gotten over her ten year relationship’s implosion yet. Now? How bout now? Now? How bout now?
This fails to trigger Ariana’s get-over-it reflex, and instead she finds herself at a beach picnic with last season’s trash and only Katie to trade side-eyes with.
“Basically I’m right professionally,” Katie reads. “On Bravo, this guarantees a villain edit.”
Schaena sits by gamely while Brock scrambles for screen time by reminding Ariana of the recent relationship crimes that lubricated her star ascension, before Schaena pivots to the once-upon-a-time everyone on the planet flirted with her even if no one else remembers.
“Tell me I’m pretty,” Schaena, always. “No, again! Tell me again!”
Only 10 of those admirers got a restraining order to halt proceedings, and since two of those were John Mayer, it technically only counts as one.
“It’s two,” John Mayer interrupts. “I had to make sure she couldn’t reach me by land or sea.”
“That still leaves air!” Schaena shouts, quickly scrawling down the name of her next song.
Sandoval and Schwartz disappear to discuss the injustice of consequences for actions, while Ariana tries to explain for the hundredth time that the manipulation window has been closed, and if her ex wants to keep smashing into it like a lost bird, that’s on him.
“Stop shoving him on me,” Ariana snaps.
“We’re leaving,” Katie calls Schwartz to let him know he should get his stuff.
“Could you just grab it?” Schwartz asks, assuming Katie is still his mommy replacement.
“Bye!” Katie is retired.
Katie and Schwartz then attempt to have a conversation about Katie’s mattress snacks with lost cast member Max, and for the first time Schwartz looks damaged.
“Maybe we could get dinner sometime,” Schwartz is not over it.
“I don’t want to get dinner sometime,” Katie is over it.
If Schwartz is going to pursue Katie all over again he’s going to need to slough off roommate and sometimes-girlfriend Jo first, which is going to be a challenge since she describes him as her “favorite person ever” thanks to a shared love of robot-noises and rubberface expressions. Jo’s not equipped to deal with the cast’s level of toxicity without a juice cleanse, so she opts for sabotage and bleaches the high holy fuck out of Schwartz’s hair instead.
“Joseph!” Schwartz always has a dumb nickname at the ready.
“Ha!” Jo’s revenge-do succeeds in failing.
This look carries him into some kind of speed-dating swingers’ party, where he courts multiple women while Jo hates herself in the bathroom. The cast’s kryptonite is direct confrontation, but Jo chooses it anyway, and asks WTF is up with dating her for months, living with her, and professing love before going lady-shopping.
“Have you seen Seeking Sister Wife?” Schwartz asks. “How about From Couple to Throuple? That one is on Peacock, so…”
Jo tabulates that she’s been played by someone who speaks in moop-moop voice when he doesn’t want to be the bad guy, then feigns ignorance when the tears start falling. Schwartz stays in character, while she retreats to privately process her failed romance with someone who seemed so perfect when they were chicken-clucking gesturing and bleeping together over burritos.
With Jo on the ropes production is desperate for more awkward Katie and Schwartz time, so we’re asked to believe they’re pursuing the same romantic lede, which is so contrived it’s not worth acknowledging beyond this. Where Katie truly shines is when she’s forced to engage with Sandoval’s scripted faux-apology tour.
“I just wanted to say I’m really sorry—“
“Let me stop you right there,” Katie retorts, every single time.
What’s Lala up to? Nothing, but she has imported her entire extended family for an assist, while proceeding to plan a second child via sperm donation, so it can be “hers” exclusively. Since this isn’t gross enough, she invites all the ladies to weigh in on the potential donor at a party at Lisa’s pink palace, where everything tacky happens, and women instantly become girls.
“Who cares!” Lala toasts with sparkling water, which is like, her thing now that she needs a thing.
“We choose Kyle!” Ariana shouts, and somewhere on Love in Paradise Kyle pauses mid-crunch.
Meanwhile, James is thriving, after giving up drinking, getting a house with Ally, and celebrating a happy reunion with long-lost dog Graham aka Hippie. He’s booking big arenas and major dates with his DJ work, but on VPR his steady gigs still happen at SUR, and he’s forced to entertain opening for Sandoval’s karaoke cover band. Sandoval starts going off on a tangent about his heartbreak over Raquel’s false imprisonment at some deprogramming camp for troubled teens, but James shuts it down with reminders that for years he claimed to be fully in-love with Ariana, and his heartbreak should be assigned to the disintegration of that union — not the side piece.
“Go push buttons on a laptop,” Sandoval whines.
“In Vegas?” James is not going to suffer a self-esteem drop from a worm with a mustache.
Ally tries to sell herself as a reformed Swiftie and an aspiring astrologer, which is more believable than Rachel’s pageant lines about helping children, so go off. She smartly keeps her distance from Lala and Schaena, who spiral further down the jealousy toilet with each passing episode, as they scramble for reasons to welcome Sandoval back to the fray and gloss over their own historic hypocrisy.
Schaena and Lala bond over their lack of understanding about real estate law, and Ariana’s unwillingness to accept a low-ball buyout offer from someone who used her good credit to fund a bar and second mortgage. Sandoval insists he will buy her out, so Ariana’s lawyers say that’s fine, and true to form, Sandoval has none of the money for this, since he already squandered his mother’s retirement.
This is still somehow branded as Ariana being unreasonable, while LVP tut-tuts about a supposed mental health crisis Sandoval experienced while he was mocking other people’s mental health.
“I think it should be obvious I’m team misogyny by now,” LVP clucks, adrift without someone to infantilize.
If that wasn’t convincing enough, LVP shows up at the shell of a sandwich shop, and is disappointed that her forced relationship between Ariana and Katie and her grifter friend Penny isn’t working.
“Here’s all the delays we haven’t enjoyed while working with your recommended COO,” Katie isn’t dumb.
“We have her contract with our lawyers,” Ariana adds, because she’s really come to appreciate the role legal experts play in her life.
“But if you have lawyers, how will you trust someone else to profit from promoting your likeness?” LVP thinks it should be clear why she picked the Toms by now.
Contracts stipulate that Kyle Chan has to perpetually resurface on this series like herpes, and a planned store opening in San Francisco means it’s time to dust off the 25th version of “Good as Gold” for whoever wants to hear it. Sandoval is tapped to manage the logistics of this opening, which he’s eager to do, and volunteers the services of his sound guy.
“I’ve never done a sound check ever,” Schaena doesn’t have to say this, but does anyway.
This also creates another opening for Schaena to fully forget that Ariana’s breakup isn’t something that happened to her.
“You’re the only person who has always had my back from day one,” Schaena actually says to the guy who called her ridiculous for ever thinking they were friends.
Lala calls while Sandoval and Schaena are playing nice-nice, to make sure Sandy knows not to come to her 33rd birthday burlesque party.
“You’re only 33?” Sandoval’s as shocked as everyone at home.
“Whatever, eternal 40,” Lala counters.
“It’s PREVENTATIVE,” Schaena snaps from the tippity top of plastic surgery mountain.
The whole team is bound for San Francisco for Kyle Chan’s opening, and Brock wants to plan a “roaring twenties” party where everyone dresses like gangsters from the 30s. Ariana’s new boyfriend Dan also plans to attend, but before they board a flight with the riff raff they go out on a cute dinner where both seem genuinely smitten with each other. Dan’s got a firm NYC vibe, and stiffens when Ariana suggests relocation to the superficial capital of the country. He’s not keen, and all I see is an opportunity for an NYC-based show and future interaction between Ariana and the Summer House crew.
“How is it possible I haven’t been engaged to him yet?” Lindsey scans her instagram followers for any possible overlap.
Meanwhile, Sandoval readies to wow no one with his band-of-sorts, and the person writing the closed captions delivers by describing his bid at trumpet playing as *plays discordant notes*. James shows up to watch the gig, and Tom’s mom is already on deck, and stares at the stage like she’s captivated by her favorite televangelist and is going to be seized by the holy spirit, as soon as the lithium wears off.
“Yike,” Vy’s go-to line really works here.
Before the show is even over the venue scrambles to take his name off the marque, and Jo and Schwartz assemble outside to revisit their separation. Jo demonstrates the moves she learned at her latest improv class, and Schwartz asks to perform his one man wishy-washy act. Jo consents, and he says he feels weird with the distance between them, but wants their status as friends to be clear, but also doesn’t want to rule out getting married in eight years.
“See? That’s what I’m talking about,” protests Jo, who has too many receipts reflecting his habit of professing undying love and then taking it back.
Dan seems to know his presence on the show will inspire speculation that he’s a screen-chaser, so he opts out of a planned group boat outing in favor of working out and getting a massage. Everyone else heads to pier 39, where Lala uses her laser-sharp people reading skills to hone in on everything she overlooks in herself. Schwartz attempts to hold Katie’s hand for the first time in 15 years, and Katie tests the battery on her taser in case she needs to use it. Brock reminds everyone that Schaena recommended warm clothes but no one paid attention, so maybe folks should go on a spending spree at local shops before they board the SS Minnow for a three hour tour.
Schwartz tells Sandoval he’s been thinking about his proposal that they live together and collectively pay a $12K a month mortgage, and his mind is telling him no, but his body is telling him yeah.
“So I’m saying yes,” Schwartz announces, and Sandoval is super relieved he’s that much closer to still not being able to buy Ariana out.
On board the boat the weather starts getting tough, and the tiny ship is tossed, which ups the opportunity for a rogue wave to knock someone’s cell phone into the sea. All that build up has no delivery, but James does find the fire for a few random swings around a pole.
“Whee! I’m fun!” James is an army of one.
After the trip Sandoval dares the sea lions to attack, but they think they’ve already had their fill of microplastics, and some tragic twist of fate leaves Ariana trapped in conversation with Brock.
“Have you considered getting over your breakup for my wife’s benefit?” Holy shit Brock.
“So she can be buddies with the guy who screamed at her last week?” Ariana hasn’t sniffed glue since high school.
“Here’s a bland statement about forgiveness…” Brock says things.
“You don’t have to forgive anyone,” Ariana with the truth. “Gray rocking and going no contact is the only way to avoid manipulation. That’s me. I’m a grey rock.”
“I am the walrus!” a sea lion with an identity crisis retorts.
“I’m Schaena’s rock,” Brock tries. “And people have always said I’ve got rocks in my head, so I get it.”
“Not really,” Ariana’s familiar with how men on this show work. “I’m retired from diapering my man-baby. There’s power in female rage. And there never seems to be any issue with male rage.”
“Male rage whaaaa…” Brock’s sniffing glue habit is active, as the editors provide a little montage of all the mantrums that have tied the show together since this season’s premiere.
Brock derps away to get a haircut from the wrong era, and everyone gets ready for the historically inaccurate theme party, and Lala knocks on the door of Ariana’s room for a chance to spot Dan in a towel.
“I’m not mad,” Lala’s eyes keep going up and down, while Dan seems to immediately identify the bullshit before him.
Dan passes on the group dinner in favor of a private dinner with one of Ariana’s best friends, but he does iron all of Ariana’s clothes and lay them out for her, so Ann should know the personal assistant competition is heating up. It’s hard to tell if Dan is defensive about the coming interrogation, if he’s yucked out about sharing airspace with Sandoval, or if he just wants nothing to do with all of this.
“He (Sandoval) hasn’t done anything to me,” Dan explains. “But I know what he’s done.”
“I need to go before my lady-boner shows,” Lala excuses herself.
James splish splashes balls-deep in the bathtub with a rubber duck, while Ally tries to puzzle out Dan’s reluctance to attend dinner.
“Have you met us?” James asks, before humming a few bars of Rubber Ducky. “He might not even be able to stand being in the room with Sandoval. And not just because of the smell. Did you hear he’s moving in with his loser best friend so they can go nowhere together? Swan dive into bubbles!”
Everyone arrives at a bar or something, with James looking Peaky Blinders, Schwartz in a brown suit with snaps down the sides, Lala playing flapper, and Brock looking like a bouncer at a Berlin sex club. Someone notes Ariana and Sandoval wear similar shoes, and Ariana seems hypnotized by her phone as a means of avoiding looking up for too long.
Wing-woman Katie is ever at the ready, so she and Ariana take in the view until Schwartz saunters over to announce they look like a duo.
“We’re the new Tom-Tom,” Katie smirks.
Schwartz admits he’s still subservient, and is eager to hit on his ex-wife.
“You like me again,” he tries.
“No I don’t,” Katie retorts.
Schwartz goes on to propose a one-night stand of binge-eating snack food and scrolling in silence, but Katie isn’t nostalgic for her mistakes. She thinks in a few years Schwartz will brand her the one who got away, and she’s going to stay away just to make sure that happens.
Schaena finds a secluded spot to go outside with Sandoval to talk logistics, while Ariana paces alone, texting Dan that she’s got leftovers for him. He responds he’s stuffed and a little drunk, and his pushing away is getting distracting. Sandoval insists to Schaena that he feels good about Dan’s presence, because that way someone is there for Ariana. Schaena tries to get him to apologize for weaponizing her mental health, and Sandy admits that he does feel bad about that, and this almost seems sincere, so they indulge in an extended hug.
“I helped Ariana clean her house too,” Schaena reminds everyone at home, just in case we were landing too hard on her being awful.
“Oh, I’m still just here to rage bait,” Lala interjects, eager to resume instigation duties once her sparkling water hangover subsides.
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