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How to hack your favorite game and get unlimited free resources. Post your method here. Hack for Android, iOS, Xbox, PC or Mac.
Discussions of roguelike game WazHack.
I currently have a 13" MacBook Pro running Ableton, and it's fairly portable, but I was wondering if there's anything even smaller that can run full blown Ableton without compromise, or is a 13" laptop about as portable as Ableton gets unless you're willing to accept a lesser experience on a hacked tablet, or something like that?
I bought a 2021 MacBook Pro at an estate sale. I know the lady that runs it and I told her I wanted to see if I could factory reset it. It sure doesn't look like it. Are there any hacks? I guess Apple has done this so someone doesn't just steal your MacBook and reset it. It's a shame because the previous owner died and this is one expensive brick!!
I have a "long in the tooth" application provided by a 3rd party that is valiantly doing the best they can to keep the front end usable. However, they are using a GUI package that is "windows centric" - so a variety of keystrokes like copy and paste are limited to CTRL+ and ignore CMD+ on the Mac.
I can do all the mining/digging work to find the actual config files and make the changes - but as an end user, is that even exposed to me? Every time I call for support about other things (it's basically a database front end), we all have positive chats and when I say it's hard to be limited to this older Java environment they sigh and say yeah... as if it hurts them too.
I sorta want to find a hack that will get me out of the hole AND let them tell their "safer" Mac customers what they can do to make it work better too.
Any thoughts/ideas/warnings/jeers would be appreciated.
🔥 Feel free to send me an offer or add me ! 🔥
🔵 Discord : selected.
🟩 I am also BUYING and SELLING skins for cash/crypto and on Marketplaces, add me to discuss ! 🟩
🟩 [TL]
https://steamcommunity.com/tradeoffenew/?partner=83681844&token=QAXcgHQ4 🟩 Not everything is listed, check out my inventory for all new skins !
https://steamcommunity.com/profiles/76561198043947572/inventory/ Check MY INVENTORY for updated list of items !!!
All Prices are negotiable and might not be 100% accurate and updated !
★ Butterfly Knife Doppler - FN RUBY B/O 12000usd
★ Karambit Doppler - FN SAPPHIRE B/O 10000usd
★ Karambit Doppler - FN RUBY B/O 10000usd
★ Karambit Doppler - FN B/O 1500usd
★ Sport Gloves Pandora's Box - FT 0.22 B/O 6000usd
★ Talon Knife Doppler - FN RUBY B/O 5000usd
AK-47 Gold Arabesque - MW B/O 3500usd
★ Karambit Fade - FN 98.8% 0.008 B/O 4500usd
AWP The Prince - FT B/O 2800usd
AK-47 Gold Arabesque - FT B/O 2800usd
AWP The Prince - BS B/O 2400usd
AK-47 Gold Arabesque - BS B/O 2200usd
★ M9 Bayonet Gamma Doppler - FN - x2 Phase 4 B/O 2100usd
★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Kimono - FT Tier 6 0.20 B/O 4500usd
★ Skeleton Knife Fade - FN - x2 B/O 1800usd
Boston 2018 Cobblestone Souvenir Package B/O 2000usd
Souvenir AWP Desert Hydra - FT B/O 1800usd
★ Karambit Marble Fade - FN Fire & Ice 0.002 B/O 4000usd
★ Karambit Marble Fade - FN Fire & Ice B/O 3000usd
AWP Desert Hydra - WW B/O 1700usd
★ Sport Gloves Vice - FT 0.20 B/O 2000usd
★ Bayonet Gamma Doppler - FN Phase 2 0.008 B/O 1300usd
★ Bowie Knife Doppler - FN SAPPHIRE B/O 1200usd
★ M9 Bayonet Lore - FT - x2 B/O 1200usd
★ StatTrak™ Skeleton Knife Crimson Web - MW 0.070 B/O 1500usd
★ StatTrak™ M9 Bayonet Autotronic - FT 0.22 B/O 1200usd
M4A4 Poseidon - MW B/O 1100usd
★ Karambit Case Hardened - FT (Blue pattern) B/O 1200usd
★ Skeleton Knife Slaughter - MW B/O 900usd
★ Butterfly Knife Case Hardened - WW B/O 900usd
★ Karambit Ultraviolet - MW B/O 900usd
★ Sport Gloves Slingshot - FT B/O 900usd
and many more !
AK-47 Case Hardened - WW (#670) B/O 8500usd
M4A1-S Hot Rod - FN (Crown Foil) B/O 1150usd
★ Bayonet Case Hardened - FN 0.0010 (4# in the world) B/O 900usd
StatTrak™ AK-47 Case Hardened - MW (iBUYPOWER Katowice 14 HOLO) B/O 4500usd
USP-S Orion - MW (King on The Field Sticker) B/O 150usd
AK-47 Case Hardened - BS (#265) B/O 250usd
AK-47 Case Hardened - BS (#4) B/O 900usd
AK-47 Case Hardened - WW (#764) B/O 500usd
AK-47 Case Hardened - FT (#169) B/O 600usd
AK-47 Case Hardened - MW (#65) B/O 600usd
AK-47 Redline (4x mousesports Foil MLG Columbus 2016) B/O 100usd
AK-47 Predator (Virtus.Pro Holo Dreamhack 2014) B/O 100usd
AK-47 Redline (Virtus.Pro Holo Dreamhack2014) B/O 100usd
P90 Blind Spot - FN (LDLC Katowice 2014) B/O 50usd
M4A1-S Boreal Forest (Crown Foil) B/O 100usd
Desert Eagle Hypnotic - FN (LGB Katowice 2014) B/O 180usd
StatTrak™ Glock-18 Bunsen Burner (4x Titan Cologne 2015) B/O 50usd
https://steamcommunity.com/tradeoffenew/?partner=83681844&token=QAXcgHQ4 ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
tags
Knives - Bowie Knife, Butterfly Knife, Falchion Knife, Flip Knife, Gut Knife, Huntsman Knife, M9 Bayonet, Bayonet, Karambit, Shadow Daggers, Stiletto Knife, Ursus Knife, Navaja Knife, Talon Knife, Classic Knife, Paracord Knife, Survival Knife, Nomad Knife, Skeleton Knife, Patterns - Gamma Doppler, Doppler (Phase 1, Phase 2, Phase 3, Phase 4, Black Pearl, Sapphire, Ruby, Emerald), Crimson Web, Lore, Fade, Ultraviolet, Night, Marble Fade (Fire & Ice, Fake FI), Case Hardened (Blue Gem), Autotronic, Slaughter, Black Laminate, Tiger Tooth, Boreal Forest, Scorched, Blue Steel, Vanilla, Damascus Steel, Forest DDPAT, Urban Masked, Freehand, Stained, Bright Water, Safari Mesh, Rust Coat, Gloves - Bloodhound Gloves (Charred, Snakebite, Guerrilla, Bronzed), Driver Gloves (Snow Leopard, King Snake, Crimson Weave, Imperial Plaid, Black Tie, Lunar Weave, Diamondback, Rezan the Red, Overtake, Queen Jaguar, Convoy, Racing Green), Hand Wraps (Cobalt Skulls, CAUTION!, Overprint, Slaughter, Leather, Giraffe, Badlands, Spruce DDPAT, Arboreal, Constrictor, Desert Shamagh, Duct Tape), Moto Gloves (Spearmint, POW!, Cool Mint, Smoke Out, Finish Line, Polygon, Blood Pressure, Turtle, Boom!, Eclipse, 3rd Commando Company, Transport), Specialist Gloves (Crimson Kimono, Tiger Strike, Emerald Web, Field Agent, Marble Fade, Fade, Foundation, Lt. Commander, Crimson Web, Mogul, Forest DDPAT, Buckshot), Sport Gloves (Pandora's Box, Superconductor, Hedge Maze, Vice, Amphibious, Slingshot, Omega, Arid, Big Game, Nocts, Scarlet Shamagh, Bronze Morph), Hydra Gloves (Case Hardened, Emerald, Rattler, Mangrove), Broken Fang Gloves (Jade, Yellow-banded, Unhinged, Needle Point), Pistols - P2000 (Wicked Sick, Ocean Foam, Fire Element, Amber Fade, Corticera, Chainmail, Imperial Dragon, Obsidian, Scorpion, Handgun, Acid Etched), USP-S (Printstream, Kill Confirmed, Whiteout, Road Rash, Owergrowth, The Traitor, Neo-Noir, Dark Water, Orion, Blueprint, Stainless, Caiman, Serum, Monster Mashup, Royal Blue, Ancient Visions, Cortex, Orange Anolis, Ticket To Hell, Black Lotus, Cyrex, Check Engine, Guardian, Purple DDPAT, Torque, Blood Tiger, Flashback, Business Class, Pathfinder, Para Green), Lead Conduit, Glock-18 (Ramese's Reach, Umbral Rabbit, Fade, Candy Apple, Bullet Queen, Synth Leaf, Neo-Noir, Nuclear Garden, Dragon Tatto, Reactor, Pink DDPAT, Twilight Galaxy, Sand Dune, Groundwater, Blue Fissure, Snack Attack, Water Elemental, Brass, Wasteland Rebel, Vogue, Franklin, Royal Legion, Gamma Doppler, Weasel, Steel Disruption, Ironwork, Grinder, High Beam, Moonrise, Oxide Blaze, Bunsen Burner, Clear Polymer, Bunsen Burner, Night), P250 (Apep's Curse, Re.built, Nuclear Threat, Modern Hunter, Splash, Whiteout, Vino Primo, Mehndi, Asiimov, Visions, Undertow, Cartel, See Ya Later, Gunsmoke, Splash, Digital Architect, Muertos, Red Rock, Bengal Tiger, Crimson Kimono, Wingshot, Metallic DDPAT, Hive, Dark Filigree, Mint Kimono), Five-Seven (Neon Kimono, Berries And Cherries, Fall Hazard, Crimson Blossom, Hyper Beast, Nitro, Fairy Tale, Case Hardened, Copper Galaxy, Angry Mob, Monkey Business, Fowl Play, Anodized Gunmetal, Hot Shot, Retrobution, Boost Protocol), CZ75-Auto (Chalice, Crimson Web, Emerald Quartz, The Fuschia is Now, Nitro, Xiangliu, Yellow Jacket, Victoria, Poison Dart, Syndicate, Eco, Hexane, Pole, Tigris), Tec-9 (Mummy's Rot, Rebel, Terrace, Nuclear Threat, Hades, Rust Leaf, Decimator, Blast From, Orange Murano, Toxic, Fuel Injector, Remote Control, Bamboo Forest, Isaac, Avalanche, Brother, Re-Entry, Blue Titanium, Bamboozle), R8 Revolver (Banana Cannon, Fade, Blaze, Crimson Web, Liama Cannon, Crazy 8, Reboot, Canal Spray, Night, Amber Fade), Desert Eagle (Blaze, Hand Cannon, Fennec Fox, Sunset Storm, Emerald Jörmungandr, Pilot, Hypnotic, Golden Koi, Printstream, Cobalt Disruption, Code Red, Ocean Drive, Midnight Storm, Kumicho Dragon, Crimson Web, Heirloom, Night Heist, Mecha Industries, Night, Conspiracy, Trigger Discipline, Naga, Directive, Light Rail), Dual Berettas (Flora Carnivora, Duelist, Cobra Strike, Black Limba, Emerald, Hemoglobin, Twin Turbo, Marina, Melondrama, Pyre, Retribution, Briar, Dezastre, Royal Consorts, Urban Shock, Dualing Dragons, Panther, Balance), Rifles - Galil (Aqua Terrace, Winter Forest, Chatterbox, Sugar Rush, Pheonix Blacklight, CAUTION!, Orange DDPAT, Cerberus, Dusk Ruins, Eco, Chromatic Aberration, Stone Cold, Tuxedo, Sandstorm, Shattered, Urban Rubble, Rocket Pop, Kami, Crimson Tsunami, Connexion), SCAR-20 (Fragments, Brass, Cyrex, Palm, Splash Jam, Cardiac, Emerald, Crimson Web, Magna Carta, Stone Mosaico, Bloodsport, Enforcer), AWP (Black Nile, Duality, Gungnir, Dragon Lore, Prince, Medusa, Desert Hydra, Fade, Lightning Strike, Oni Taiji, Silk Tiger, Graphite, Chromatic Aberration, Asiimov, Snake Camo, Boom, Containment Breach, Wildfire, Redline, Electric Hive, Hyper Beast, Neo-Noir, Man-o'-war, Pink DDPAT, Corticera, Sun in Leo, Elite Build, Fever Dream, Atheris, Mortis, PAW, Exoskeleton, Worm God, POP AWP, Phobos, Acheron, Pit Viper, Capillary, Safari Mesh), AK-47 (Steel Delta, Head Shot, Wild Lotus, Gold Arabesque, X-Ray, Fire Serpent, Hydroponic, Panthera Onca, Case Hardened, Vulcan, Jet Set, Fuel Injector, Bloodsport, Nightwish, First Class, Neon Rider, Asiimov, Red Laminate, Aquamarine Revenge, The Empress, Wasteland Rebel, Jaguar, Black Laminate, Leet Museo, Neon Revolution, Redline, Frontside Misty, Predator, Legion of Anubis, Point Disarray, Orbit Mk01, Blue Laminate, Green Laminate, Emerald Pinstripe, Cartel, Phantom Disruptor, Jungle Spray, Safety Net, Rat Rod, Baroque Purple, Slate, Elite Build, Uncharted, Safari Mesh), FAMAS (Waters of Nephthys, Sundown, Prime Conspiracy, Afterimage, Commemoration, Dark Water, Spitfire, Pulse, Eye of Athena, Meltdown, Rapid Eye Move, Roll Cage, Styx, Mecha Industrie, Djinn, ZX Spectron, Valence, Neural Net, Night Borre, Hexne), M4A4 (Eye of Horus, Temukau, Howl, Poseidon, Asiimov, Daybreak, Hellfire, Zirka, Red DDPAT, Radiation Hazard, Modern Hunter, The Emperor, The Coalition, Bullet Rain, Cyber Security, X-Ray, Dark Blossom, Buzz Kill, In Living Color, Neo-Noir, Desolate Space, 龍王 (Dragon King), Royal Paladin, The Battlestar, Global Offensive, Tooth Fairy, Desert-Strike, Griffin, Evil Daimyo, Spider Lily, Converter), M4A1-S (Emphorosaur-S, Welcome to the Jungle, Imminent Danger, Knight, Hot Rod, Icarus Fell, Blue Phosphor, Printstream, Master Piece, Dark Water, Golden Coil, Bright Water, Player Two, Atomic Alloy, Guardian, Chantico's Fire, Hyper Beast, Mecha Industries, Cyrex, Control Panel, Moss Quartz, Nightmare, Decimator, Leaded Glass, Basilisk, Blood Tiger, Briefing, Night Terror, Nitro, VariCamo, Flashback), SG 553 (Cyberforce, Hazard Pay, Bulldozer, Integrale, Dragon Tech, Ultraviolet, Colony IV, Hypnotic, Cyrex, Candy Apple, Barricade, Pulse), SSG 08 (Death Strike, Sea Calico, Blood in the Water, Orange Filigree, Dragonfire, Big Iron, Bloodshot, Detour, Turbo Peek, Red Stone), AUG (Akihabara Accept, Flame Jörmungandr, Hot Rod, Midnight Lily, Sand Storm, Carved Jade, Wings, Anodized Navy, Death by Puppy, Torque, Bengal Tiger, Chameleon, Fleet Flock, Random Access, Momentum, Syd Mead, Stymphalian, Arctic Wolf, Aristocrat, Navy Murano), G3SG1 (Chronos, Violet Murano, Flux, Demeter, Orange Kimono, The Executioner, Green Apple, Arctic Polar Camo, Contractor), SMGs - P90 (ScaraB Rush, Neoqueen, Astral Jörmungandr, Run and Hide, Emerald Dragon, Cold Blooded, Death by Kitty, Baroque Red, Vent Rush, Blind Spot, Asiimov, Trigon, Sunset Lily, Death Grip, Leather, Nostalgia, Fallout Warning, Tiger Pit, Schermatic, Virus, Shapewood, Glacier Mesh, Shallow Grave, Chopper, Desert Warfare), MAC-10 (Sakkaku, Hot Snakes, Copper Borre, Red Filigree, Gold Brick, Graven, Case Hardened, Stalker, Amber Fade, Neon Rider, Tatter, Curse, Propaganda, Nuclear Garden, Disco Tech, Toybox, Heat, Indigo), UMP-45 (Wild Child, Fade, Blaze, Day Lily, Minotaur's Labyrinth, Crime Scene, Caramel, Bone Pile, Momentum, Primal Saber), MP7 (Teal Blossom, Fade, Nemesis, Whiteout, Asterion, Bloosport, Abyssal Apparition, Full Stop, Special Delivery, Neon Ply, Asterion, Ocean Foam, Powercore, Scorched, Impire), PP-Bizon (Modern Hunter, Rust Coat, Forest Leaves, Antique, High Roller, Blue Streak, Seabird, Judgement of Anubis, Bamboo Print, Embargo, Chemical Green, Coblat Halftone, Fuel Rod, Photic Zone, Irradiated Alert, Carbon Fiber), MP9 (Featherweight, Wild Lily, Pandora's Box, Stained Glass, Bulldozer, Dark Age, Hot Rod, Hypnotic, Hydra, Rose Iron, Music Box, Setting Sun, Food Chain, Airlock, Mount Fuji, Starlight Protector, Ruby Poison Dart, Deadly Poison), MP5-SD (Liquidation, Oxide Oasis, Phosphor, Nitro, Agent, Autumn Twilly), Shotguns, Machineguns - Sawed-Off (Kiss♥Love, First Class, Orange DDPAT, Rust Coat, The Kraken, Devourer, Mosaico, Wasteland Princess, Bamboo Shadow, Copper, Serenity, Limelight, Apocalypto), XM1014 (Frost Borre, Ancient Lore, Red Leather, Elegant Vines, Banana Leaf, Jungle, Urban Perforated, Grassland, Blaze Orange, Heaven Guard, VariCamo Blue, Entombed, XOXO, Seasons, Tranquility, Bone Machine, Incinegator, Teclu Burner, Black Tie, Zombie Offensive, Watchdog), Nova (Sobek's Bite, Baroque Orange, Hyper Beast, Green Apple, Antique, Modern Hunter, Walnut, Forest Leaves, Graphite, Blaze Orange, Rising Skull, Tempest, Bloomstick, Interlock, Quick Sand, Moon in Libra, Clean Polymer, Red Quartz, Toy Soldier), MAG-7 (Copper Coated, Insomnia, Cinqueda, Counter Terrace, Prism Terrace, Memento, Chainmail, Hazard, Justice, Bulldozer, Silver, Core Breach, Firestarter, Praetorian, Heat, Hard Water, Monster Call, BI83 Spectrum, SWAG-7), M249 (Humidor, Shipping Forecast, Blizzard Marbleized, Downtown, Jungle DDPAT, Nebula Crusader, Impact Drill, Emerald Poison Dart), Negev (Mjölnir, Anodized Navy, Palm, Power Loader, Bratatat, CaliCamo, Phoenix Stencil, Infrastructure, Boroque Sand), Wear - Factory New (FN), Minimal Wear (MW), Field-Tested (FT), Well-Worn (WW), Battle-Scarred (BS), Stickers Holo/Foil/Gold - Katowice 2014, Krakow 2017, Howling Dawn, Katowice 2015, Crown, London 2018, Cologne 2014, Boston 2018, Atlanta 2017, Cluj-Napoca 2015, DreamHack 2014, King on the Field, Harp of War, Winged Difuser, Cologne 2016, Cologne 2015, MLG Columbus 2016, Katowice 2019, Berlin 2019, RMR 2020, Stockholm 2021, Antwerp 2022, Paris 2023, Swag Foil, Flammable foil, Others - Souvenirs, Agents, Pins, Passes, Gifts, Music Kits, Cases, Keys, Capsules, Packages, Patches
So I'm watching a series on a randome website and then suddnly an app pops up for couple of secs saying info about the stream ID type and the time it has been streaming and the stram host mac address and alot of other info that im pretty sure my device is being streamed 24/7 I just want to know if someone is going to able to identify the type of hack in the pic because it didnt show anywhere in task manager or anywhere Anti Malware thirdparty tools didnt give me any results of anything Avast and Malwarebyte.
so i want to get an action replay, as i've been playing some rom hacks on an emulator with small cheats and it's been fun. but i want to make sure i can use it before i end up buying one.
i keep seeing that you can NEED a PC, but that you also don't need one. i only have a chromebook and a mac laptop from my parents that i sometimes barrow to randomize my pokemon games.
so my real question is a PC required? or is it more of a "makes it easier" situation? any advice or suggestions would super appreciated before i dive into all of this!
I feel a little more energetic this morning which is nice! I also feel very warm, like it’s 16°, the windows are open and I’m wearing a tank top and I’m still warm. Which is not normal for me. I always love the windows open but I am also someone that feels the cold quite quickly. Idk. Anyway.
I feel disgusting today. Disgusting. Like I could not be an uglier monster of a girl if I tried. It sounds dramatic but I genuinely want to rip my face off and saw off all my limbs sometimes. I’ve had that fantasy… a long time. Probably since before high school. I know I hated how I looked back in primary school, I don’t remember if I had violent thoughts about it then though. It sounds so silly to write down that for example I would like to hack at myself with a chainsaw and then piece myself back together as I’d like to be, but in my head it’s a dream. I remember, not recently, but I used to like claw into my arm or leg with my nails to sort of envision it and sometimes make myself bleed a little. Not often though so it’s fine. I don’t have those thoughts about anyone else and never ever have, because a) that’s horrific b) ew and c) I could never. But me? A daydream. But I just… I cannot put into words the level of hatred I have for myself. I don’t think you could understand unless you felt the same way, and it’s why I don’t bother explaining it in depth or don’t mention it because I can’t. We talk about it in therapy, but not to the extent we should. Well no we DO, and she knows I have these extreme feelings, but it often gets talked about in a sad way when sometimes I feel a violent anger sort of hatred towards myself. I don’t really know how to bring it up. And tbh it has been brought up in passing, awhile ago. But she gets so serious about self harm and I don’t really need to hear about it or waste a $200 session on it because I’m not going to hurt myself. I hurt myself internally, not externally - it’s how I’ve always done it. And I just know if we talk about the thoughts I wrote before then it’s $200 wasted. But I should be more open about it not just being a despondent type of self hate. Anyway.
I have the ballet and dinner tonight. I don’t want to go. I’m nervous :(
It’s now day one million and I still don’t have my period.
I don’t know why, but I don’t feel as lovey today. Nothing changed, I guess that’s like I said yesterday though how some days I just feel a supercharged level of love and then I go back to regular levels. I felt that way when we hung up too. Idk why. But I ended up crying myself to sleep like the pathetic baby I am. I wasn’t upset about anything, I just felt wrong. Probably pms. I think I just felt extra sensitive, for example when he disagreed with something I said earlier on and told me to try again I felt like I was going to cry, I didn’t cry but I had a stupid frowny face and I could feel my bottom lip quivering a little - like a literal cartoon baby. So that’s where I’m at sensitivity wise right now. Again, pms. But I also felt very mildly upset because sometimes when he says bye at the end of a phone call it feels so abrupt. Like “bye-beep beep beep” with the beeps being a hang up. Which isn’t how it works because I think I hang up or idk whatever it doesn’t matter but I think it’s just sometimes I wish it would be a softer bye. And this is why I need my period to hurry the f up because I should not be feeling sensitive and upset about the way in which he says bye. But also I’ve thought this before, for a long time, I just don’t think it matters but right now it got to me. My pms blurred the line of reasonability and I got upset.
I no longer feel energetic, energetic was a stretch anyway but I felt less tired earlier but now I’m back to normal yay
He was telling me about social media and stuff last night and idk, sometimes I wonder how honest he is about it with me. He’s given me no reason to doubt him, but still, that’s based on what he tells me. Would he tell me he follows certain kinds of accounts etc? Tbh I believe he wouldn’t follow them, I’m pretty sure anyone can see who you follow? Like how cringe to see your friend following a bunch of naked ladies so why would you ever do that. Anyway. I’ve read about this on here before, it was in the ask men one and I remember a bunch of men being like yeah no if it shows up for him then it means he looks at that stuff. Something about an algorithm and it not being random? So him saying his page with that is showing a bunch of near naked women? It’s just the fact a bunch of guys were like yeah no that’s not random. So. Idk. Why would they make that up? But also why am k believing a bunch of reddit people. How stupid. I don’t even care the way I used to if I’m honest. I feel sort of resigned to it. I know he looks at that stuff regardless of what he says, I know he will actively spare my feelings and insecurity when he can because he’s sweet like that. And let’s be real, even when we’re together and he can have me naked whenever he wants, I’m never going to look like the women online. Ever. So how can I be upset, I’m not being what I should be for him so I get it. It doesn’t make it hurt less on the inside but idk, I feel more accepting of it now. I feel less upset, I guess because now I realise it’s because of where I’m failing him, and how can I blame him or be upset with him for that? I can’t. That’s not fair. So if he’s looking at naked women online or whatever then that just shows I’m not enough which is something I already know as a fact. So I shall continue working on myself. But I know I will never be enough for him, or anyone, so I know it will always be a thing. So I may aswell stop allowing myself to get so worked up over it.
While I’m being a negative nancy or a difficult Delilah or whatever I am, I hated hearing him say “WE had a bath/shower” and “I wanted US to go HOME” etc last night when he was talking about his ex ex. I thought he didn’t live with her? I thought he only lived with his most recent ex? I realise it’s not really any of my business and I refrained from asking questions because as soon as he said it it felt like a punch in the stomach and I just didn’t want to know this time. Sometimes I get curious and I’m kind of okay with it all, I didn’t feel that way last night and I just wanted him to shut up with talking about her in such a fond way. Like shut up shut up shut up. Why am I on the verge of tears right now? PMS makes me even more of a loser pathetic baby than usual.
I’m wearing that Beautiful Magnolia perfume mum got me today, I wouldn’t personally buy it but I do like it - it’s like a zingy floral? But it was so cute, she got me this 30ml bottle of perfume along with a bunch of snacks, medicine, a book and stuff when I had covid, she came over to my house with a big thing of stuff for me - like who buys someone a proper bottle of perfume because they have covid? I love my mum, so unnecessary but so sweet. I’ll wear it tonight too, I think she’d like that. Except whenever I wear it I remember that that Ana actress is the spokesperson for it and that Andy would rather I looked like her than me and that hurts the most because if I could look like anyone it would be her and I thought/wished that was before he said she was his celebrity crush. Well her and Kate B. So idk, wearing this perfume kind of makes me remember I’m an ugly disappointment.
Sometimes I feel like I jinx people to die. Kind of like Phoebe with the dentist and anytime she goes someone she knows dies. But like Paul Auster, he died today and this is not long after I save a bunch of his books, 4321 especially, to my TBR. I remember when Peaches Geldof died years ago, I was slightly obsessed with her as a young teen like I loved her whole look like outfits, hair etc and I would always read her columns in Teen Vogue but I think thag was later on idk but I read that a lot which now makes me feel so old as that is such a core memory like I remember being in Washington DC and I was 13 and I knew a new copy of teen vogue was out so I remember dragging mum and dad down to some bookshop so I could buy it. I LOVEDDDDDD magazines back then, my dream was to work for one - which I’m glad didn’t work out as I’d have been made redundant by now anyway. Wait anyway so I liked Peaches a lot. And then I was talking about her to my friend Kelly back then which was years after I last thought of her because I was in my early 20s by then I think idk anyway and then the next day news was out that she died. And I was so internally upset that I jinxed it. Also happened with one or two other celebrities. So sometimes I wonder if I jinx people to death :(
I have cramps :(
My new favourite song is sweet by CAS. I’ve just been listening to them on repeat, maybe because this time of year I normally listen a lot to the xx, the national and Rhye and stuff - idk why, this time of year just subconsciously forces me to. So this new stuff fits in perfectly. Anyway it’s sweet. Also john Wayne. But falling in love ahhhh. It sounds so soft and hazy and I love it so much. I love the most simple music I think. Like Indian summer by the doors? One of my all time favourites, to the point I would want it as a wedding song, and it’s beyond simple. I like everything to be soft and gentle. Everything in my life I try have as such I think. Now I’m thinking of the MAC soft and gentle highlighter I had yearrrrs ago and I dropped it on the floor of the NYC apartment I was staying in and it shattered and I wanted to cry. That wooden floor probably still has glitter in the cracks.
Things have truly hit the fan with an ER case at work. I literally had a call with the manager this morning and we agreed to step back and let things unfold/not get involved at this point - which is not so much my preferred approach but came down from my Big Boss so it is what it is. Anyway cut to five hours later and there was a screaming match in reception with swearing that was also witnessed by other colleagues. So. No more backseat and I’ll likely have to go back to that office next week for a disciplinary with potential for dismissal given the language etc - though idk at this stage, I don’t have proper statements yet. I have had one of the women call and vent to me for half an hour which was fine, I seem to be good at that as she was laughing and things by the end when she was crying at the beginning, like I calmed her down and explained what may happen next etc etc and all that. The basics. It’s such a bloody mess and I’m struggling to get an objective idea of the situation as one side are talking about the manager and employee in a way that I don’t see them, the manager is brash and impulsive from my conversations with her but she doesn’t seem to be viewed that way elsewhere - but she’s also close friends with a very senior manager in the business who brings in a LOT of money and I talked to my manager about this because I feel like the scenario is being swayed based on that and my manager basically implied I agree but this is how it is for now. So I’m kind of frustrated with that, but I need to stay objective and not “side” with the reception staff like I’m tending to do. Not verbally to them in anyway, I couldn’t be more neutral if I tried, but I just don’t see this situation the way my managers do and it’s to the point where I’ve actively said I don’t think this is being looked at fairly or without any form of prejudice. Which was knocked back. Anyway who knows, we’ll see what happens. It’s a tomorrow problem considering it’s almost 5 and I’m meeting mum at 6. Nothing can be done now anyway. Employees are calmed down so idk. Anyway. Ffs. I don’t know if HR is for me tbh. I know I need to continue in the ER space in order to have exposure to all areas but f me I hate it. So much drama. And idk, I just don’t think I’m someone that should be inviting additional negativity into my life.
Wowowowowowowowow. The performance tonight was spectacular. I couldn’t stop internally gushing over the costumes too, they were just so… sumptuous. The dancers were incredible! I started feeling crampy and I was very cold and shivery too but I didn’t even care because I was utterly enthralled. I was very anxy majority of the night though which wasn’t great. I also felt so ugly and like I looked unfinished and turns out when I was washing my face before my shower earlier I forgot to put mascara on before I left. So I had smudgey brown liner but no mascara, ffs. Oh well.
He called meeee. We played our NYT games and it’s always so so fun! I love playing them with him. We really are on the same mental page a lot of the time, without the other knowing we both guessed braid as our third word with no real reason to other than an A and an I I think. So cute!!!! I would say same minds but his is way better. We can just be two peas in pod. I wonder what living together will be like, will we merge into one person? I know we won’t but still, CUTE. I adore him so much.
It’s so so so rainy. I’m kind of scared my ceiling will cave in :( I’m also sleepy so night night