Hi guys,
I have a problem with my Redmi Note 12 pro 5g
It keeps vibrating for no reason at all, i installed notification history and it doesn't display anything. When i try to type something it keeps closing my keyboard and i need to restart my phone. I also tried factory resetting but it keeps coming back
Does anyone have the same problem, and does anyone have the idea on how to fix this issue

Tw: Transphobia, Sexual Abuse
Hey girls, I'm fucking going through it right now and just need support from others who might understand.
I'm so utterly exhausted, I feel like no matter where I am at any moment my identity can be weaponized against me or make me the target of any number of things.
It's like if ever let my guard down, especially when dealing with cis men, at any moment I can be taken advantage of or harassed or just outright assaulted.
It's happened to me in so many different forms and to some absolutely fucked up levels. The trauma of which infects every second of my life, and then every time I pick up my phone there's a sea of countless people who feel the need to go out of their way to invalidate all of that abuse and deny the power structures they stem from even exist claiming we just need to shut the fuck up and stop complaining so much as if talking about your experiences causes them to happen.
I feel like hypervigilance is the only way to avoid being taken advantage of or being put in a position where you have to defend your right to exist, But I've become so self destructive and thrill seeking from constantly Coping that I don't even have the mental energy to stay out of danger's way.
As a teenager I was a constant target of chasers, groomers, bigots, bullies, harassers, abusers, and eventually a fucking trafficker who literally found me stalking a trans mental health chat room. It's disgusting.
And it's fucking terrifying how many other girls I know you've been through some of the same shit, sometimes to lesser degrees but sometimes even worse somehow. We're being traumatized in mass and then blamed for it.
There's people who seek to destroy our mental well-being for their own gain and countless barriers to get what we need to survive all the while we spend our whole lives being told its us that's the problem.
It can at times be possible to avoid those people, or at least the worst they have to offer, but the process of doing so is so unbelievably complicated and emotionally draining.
I was put through hell and then shamed for complaining about it, I used to always feel the need to downplay how bad my experiences as a trans woman have been out of fear that I'd be seen as someone desperate for sympathy when I actually need serious fucking help.
The world scarred me for life, told me to kill myself, taught me how to destroy myself, left me with no stable support system after everyone turned on me, told me to shut up and not complain about it, and then just left me to rot and discouraged me from seeking communities that would understand.
If I hear one more fucking transphobe blame "trans ideology" or whatever for the suicide of a trans person I'm going to fucking lose it, it's getting so hard to take this shit anymore. So many of us keep getting to that state because of how we're treated and then people use that as a reason to treat us even worse.
I was hypersexualized and then criticized for being hypersexual, I was targeted by sexual predators due to being trans and then criticized for making myself too vulnerable, I was force fed terrible destructive ideas about my own identity and then degraded for acting out those ideas. I was aggressively coerced into countless things and then stigmatized for all of it.
I'm tired of seeing other trans girls go through all this shit, I'm tired of dealing with the emotional effects of it, I'm so tired of being targeted and I'm so tired of being told it's our fault.
Sorry if that was too dark, my head is a little bit on fire, have a good day/night everyone. Be as safe as you can be fellow girlies, hope everyone's doing a bit better than I am 💔

Worked once, stopped working a few month ago, but still works with my wife's iPhone. I had Spotify check for devices for 30min, nothing. Bluetooth streaming works fine. All Apps and Device are up to date. Settings seem to be in order (all permissions given etc.).
I'm out of ideas. Can anyone help out, where or what to check?
Device: RX-V683, System Version 2.87 (1923), API Version 2.08, connected to WiFi and fully accessable through Webinterface, AV Controller and MusicCast App.
Apps: Spotify Premium Version 8.9.40.509 com.spotify.music MusicCast Version 5.70 com.yamaha.av.musiccastcontroller Yamaha AV Controller Version 5.60 com.yamaha.av.avcontroller

First off I’ve never went to a doctor I have always battled through it in my own. I’m going to make this as quick and straightforward as possible but it’s a lot to unpack. Anyone who reads it all and can give any input I really do appreciate. I honestly don’t always trust doctors and big pharma so looking for advice from people.
-I’m 30 years old and have legit been battling with my brain/body for as long as I can remember. I own a construction company. Moved into a house that is gutted and needs to be fully renovated (with basically me doing all the work. Like literally everything from plans, budget, and the actual work.). So I say this because a lot of people claim they are busy or have a lot to do. Trying not to sound arrogant but I actually have almost an impossible amount of work I do. Business, newborn, house remodel, and the list goes on. I am obsessed with building, designing, engineering, creating things, and being a craftsman.
-Since I was young I battled with not being able to sleep properly (diagnosed with sleep apnea). And my brain is like this machine that moves at a million miles a minute and I honestly can’t control it all the time. I have huge goals and work from the time I open my eyes till whatever hour I crash. If I am completely sober with no caffeine, nicotine, etc. I cannot process my thoughts. It’s a non stop wave of business ideas, work to be done, work coming up, customer relations, networking, materials and job planning, with always a clear view of my vision for the long term. When this happens I become immobile. I will sit on my phone to space out to quiet the thoughts. Procrastinate and refuse to start the work I know needs to be done now. I oversleep and feel beat and tired all day regardless of how much or how little I sleep. I simply can’t do anything.
-I am cursed with intelligence. I’m not saying this as a positive thing necessarily. Someone close to me is a psychologist who diagnoses autism and they believe after some testing I might be on the spectrum. Take it for what it is but scored 130 on two different types of IQ tests. I don’t tolerate things like small talk, I am fairly quiet (when sober), I do not want to make friends or talk to people who have nothing to offer me (business owners/entrepreneurs, people who are masters of their craft, even people who are considered dreamers and have ideas and goals) are all people I will attach myself too because I find they are the only ones I can have a real conversation with. Relationships are very difficult because they tend to think I’m emotionless. I just have a very direct grasp on my feelings and I can handle them. - I cannot sit on a computer and be productive without an amphetamine. I cannot read a book and retain a single word of it. I’m reading but my thoughts are elsewhere.

Anyone who reads it all and can give any input I really do appreciate. I honestly don’t always trust doctors and big pharma so looking for advice from real people.
-I’m 30 years old and have legit been battling with my brain/body for as long as I can remember. I own a construction company. Moved into a house that is gutted and needs to be fully renovated (with basically me doing all the work. Like literally everything from plans, budget, and the actual work.). So I say this because a lot of people claim they are busy or have a lot to do. Trying not to sound arrogant but I actually have almost an impossible amount of work I do. Business, newborn, house remodel, and the list goes on. I am obsessed with building, designing, engineering, creating things, and being a craftsman.
-Since I was young I battled with not being able to sleep properly (diagnosed with sleep apnea). And my brain is like this machine that moves at a million miles a minute and I honestly can’t control it all the time. I have huge goals and work from the time I open my eyes till whatever hour I crash. If I am completely sober with no caffeine, nicotine, etc. I cannot process my thoughts. It’s a non stop wave of business ideas, work to be done, work coming up, customer relations, networking, materials and job planning, with always a clear view of my vision for the long term. When this happens I become immobile. I will sit on my phone to space out to quiet the thoughts. Procrastinate and refuse to start the work I know needs to be done now. I oversleep and feel beat and tired all day regardless of how much or how little I sleep. I simply can’t do anything.
-I am cursed with intelligence. I’m not saying this as a positive thing necessarily. Someone close to me is a psychologist who diagnoses autism and they believe after some testing I might be on the spectrum. Take it for what it is but scored 130 on two different types of IQ tests. I don’t tolerate things like small talk, I am fairly quiet (when sober), I do not want to make friends or talk to people who have nothing to offer me (business owners/entrepreneurs, people who are masters of their craft, even people who are considered dreamers and have ideas and goals) are all people I will attach myself too because I find they are the only ones I can have a real conversation with. Relationships are very difficult because they tend to think I’m emotionless. I just have a very direct grasp on my feelings and I can handle them. - I cannot sit on a computer and be productive without an amphetamine. I cannot read a book and retain a single word of it. I’m reading but my thoughts are elsewhere.

Let me start by saying I’ve always fought this battle on my own and never talked to a doctor. Stupid. I really don’t want to take any medications but I think it’s time to face reality before I lose everything.
Anyone who reads it all and can give any input I really do appreciate. I honestly don’t always trust doctors and big pharma so looking for advice from people with experience in these drugs.
-I’m 30 years old and have legit been battling with my brain/body for as long as I can remember. I own a construction company. Moved into a house that is gutted and needs to be fully renovated (with basically me doing all the work. Like literally everything from plans, budget, and the actual work.). So I say this because a lot of people claim they are busy or have a lot to do. Trying not to sound arrogant but I actually have almost an impossible amount of work I do. Business, newborn, house remodel, and the list goes on. I am obsessed with building, designing, engineering, creating things, and being a craftsman.
-Since I was young I battled with not being able to sleep properly (diagnosed with sleep apnea). And my brain is like this machine that moves at a million miles a minute and I honestly can’t control it all the time. I have huge goals and work from the time I open my eyes till whatever hour I crash. If I am completely sober with no caffeine, nicotine, etc. I cannot process my thoughts. It’s a non stop wave of business ideas, work to be done, work coming up, customer relations, networking, materials and job planning, with always a clear view of my vision for the long term. When this happens I become immobile. I will sit on my phone to space out to quiet the thoughts. Procrastinate and refuse to start the work I know needs to be done now. I oversleep and feel beat and tired all day regardless of how much or how little I sleep. I simply can’t do anything.
-I am cursed with intelligence. I’m not saying this as a positive thing necessarily. Someone close to me is a psychologist who diagnoses autism and they believe after some testing I might be on the spectrum. Take it for what it is but scored 130 on two different types of IQ tests. I don’t tolerate things like small talk, I am fairly quiet (when sober), I do not want to make friends or talk to people who have nothing to offer me (business owners/entrepreneurs, people who are masters of their craft, even people who are considered dreamers and have ideas and goals) are all people I will attach myself too because I find they are the only ones I can have a real conversation with. Relationships are very difficult because they tend to think I’m emotionless. I just have a very direct grasp on my feelings and I can handle them. - I cannot sit on a computer and be productive without an amphetamine. I cannot read a book and retain a single word of it. I’m reading but my thoughts are elsewhere.
Does adhd fit?

I’ve made posts on here before about how unstable AP is. They have constantly caused issues and have tried reaching out anytime they get the chance even when blocked. They will create fake numbers and social media accounts to stalk us and get their friends to do so. They originally messaged me claiming they had “no idea my WP was with someone else”, only to find out that was a lie and they essentially have begun stalking me now too.
My WP claimed AP SA’d them later on. When AP reached out to me and wanted to meet up to show me “proof” of my WP cheating, they touched me inappropriately multiple times despite me asking over and over for them to stop and even then tried to full on have sex with me. This resulted in me getting out of there as soon as I could, which was extremely hard to do with how they were behaving.
My WP knows this and they also know I have a lot of trauma from being SA’d in the past, so this really hit home for me and my mental health hasn’t been very well over it. Instead of being supportive, they have actually just continued to accuse me over and over of “probably lying about it because I most likely slept with AP and am hiding the truth”. They constantly tell me they have “no reason to believe me” and that “maybe I shouldn’t have gone to AP’s house in the first place”.
This hurts on such a deep level I can’t even describe it to you. I have not been sure if I’ve wanted to re-enter into R with my WP for awhile now. They keep insisting on trying for R, but there’s just been so much damage. The reason I’m writing this post though, is because I found out tonight they unblocked AP again and have been talking to them. This started last Sunday when they told me that “AP tried calling them, but they didn’t answer and AP is blocked anyway, but their phone lets them see when blocked numbers call them”.
This didn’t make any sense to me, because while I know their phone does in fact show in the call log if a blocked number has tried to call, it wouldn’t ring/go through, and they gave away that the phone did ring by saying they “didn’t answer it”. So obviously AP was not blocked, but I knew prying wasn’t going to make them be honest with me about it. I tried move on from this best I could, until a few days ago they decided to tell me what actually happened. They told me they never blocked AP because they “forgot”, and that AP actually texted them and they had a full blown conversation, but that they told AP they didn’t want them in their life whatsoever.
They told me AP then tried to call, but WP didn’t answer and blocked them. As if that wasn’t enough, tonight I find out that they unblocked AP and talked to them again. When I asked why they unblocked them at all, they said “to see if AP would listen”. So I asked what they said to them since it sounds like they messaged AP first. They swore up and down AP messaged first, which makes no sense because then why would you unblock them to “see if they would listen”? Listen to what? They claimed they wanted to “see if AP would listen and not message them, since my WP told them to not reach out again the last time they spoke to AP”.
I tried asking more details, to which none of the answers made any sense and they were half-assed. They told me it sounds like AP is “keeping tabs on them which was unsettling”, but they didn’t further elaborate and honestly that adds up because AP has stalked both of us for close to a year. They said they blocked AP again. I lost it. I told them they obviously unblocked them because they want this person around, want to talk to them or at the very least enjoy the attention they’re getting from them.
WP got mad and said that wasn’t the case, but I told them there’s no other reasoning for them to unblock them. If they genuinely didn’t want AP around and were as unsettled by AP’s actions as they’ve claimed to be, they wouldn’t be unblocking them just to “see if they would listen and not reach out like they said they would”. Why would you even want to know if this person reached out at all? This makes zero sense and nobody who genuinely didn’t want to speak to someone would do this.
What hurts me the most though, is they are actively keeping a person around who they know tried to SA me. They know this person makes me feel uncomfortable and severely stressed out. They know this person has posed a physical danger to me and apparently SA’d them too, so why are they keeping them around? Why do they want to be engaging with someone like that?
I told them I don’t want them in my life anymore. I told them to do whatever they want, but to keep me out of it and to not contact me again. I told them if I ever am contacted again by AP or their friends or if I see them around here, I will be calling police. They haven’t responded and to be honest, I’m just a mess. I was debating R and now I don’t think that’s an option whatsoever anymore. How could anyone do this to someone they claim to love?

I usually play music when I shower but I’m letting some family members stay with me while they’re in town and I don’t want to disturb them. I got the idea to play silent subliminals just to play something since I normally always have my phone in the bathroom with me and omg the results manifested INSTANTLY, I urge everybody to try this

TLDR: MY daughter dad showed up 2 years ago and has been inconsistent at best in these two years. AITA for wanting to block him and proceed as if he never contacted us?
AITA
This is gonna be probably pretty long and all over the place but I'll try and keep it straight and to the point.
So I have a daughter. She is 11 almost 12. For the first 9+ years of her life her dad had not been involved. ( She was a fortune product of a one night stand) When he showed up almost two years ago it was with some fabricated story that a child support case worker alienated him and threatened him with harassment if he pursued a relationship with his daughter. I did try to reach out a couple times when she was younger trying to encourage a relationship between them and all attempts went ignored. He says this is because he was afraid I was setting him up. Well up until this past December I took him at his word. He was semi involved until that point. In December he met a woman and all contact stopped minus a few check ins and multiple inappropriate messages to me considering he was in a relationship. Each time this happened I would lay a boundary. During one of these contacts he promised he'd send his child support and $100 for Christmas/Birthday gift for her. That did not happen. He instead sent me a dirty video saying he "hoped that made up for it" 🤮🤮🤮 at this point I lost my iiisssshhhhh on him and told him essentially he was in a relationship and needed to knock it off. I didn't want to see that and it was disrespectful to me and his partner.
He moved in with this partner within a month of meeting her. Red flag right?
Before he met her I was trying to help him find an apartment locally as he lives 200 miles away. I absolutely advocated for him to have a relationship with his daughter from the second he showed up because I've never been the type to keep my children from their father unless it was for good reason. He was supposed to get her a phone and pay for it so they could maintain contact. Never happened. I supplied the phone and the service and it was silent.
After he had sent me that video I had put him on restricted on FB so I didn't get any messages from him. I finally get a call from him on Valentine's day apologizing for his behavior and letting me know he was sending some child support that day.
Then at some point in March he reaches out again saying he was no longer with this girl and he was sorry for his absence and he'd do better. The following week our daughter's phone caught fire and I let him know (not that he was contacting her anyways). The next day he said his cousin had gifted him a phone and he wanted to send it to our daughter. Cool. Let's do it. Then he texts a few days later saying he would be in a town 45 miles south of me and could I meet him and said girlfriend to receive the phone and bring our daughter so he could see her. (At this point the last I knew him and chick had broken up). I said no thanks you can drop it in the mail and I would not be bringing our daughter to meet him with the on again off again girlfriend. I found that extremely disrespectful as he had stopped contact with our daughter when he met this woman and I did not feel comfortable bringing my daughter to meet her or even really dealing with her myself. They obviously have an unstable relationship. He called me petty, we had som choice words and again I didn't hear from him.
Two days ago our daughter was admitted to a psychiatric facility after I found some very concerning diary entries by my daughter talking about Una living herself.
Since coming into our lives my daughter has turned into a mean spirited person. She will fat shame her brothers, hit and push her you get siblings and is just kind of generally abusive to everyone around her. She's told me multiple times she's angry at him and very hurt.
Anyways, I figured he ought to know she's being admitted as this is pretty serious. His response was "we are trying to figure a way up there". As in him and the girlfriend were going to come up while our child was in crisis. I went off again. Telling him again he has chosen this woman over our daughter and how dare he think it's appropriate to bring this woman up here while outr daughter is in crisis. I told him it is up to our daughter if they are involved and just showing up ESPECIALLY with the person she feels (justifyibly so) that he chose over her while she's in crisis. He come back with he has no idea why I'm bringing it back to him and the girlfriend when we should be focusing on getting our daughter better. My stance is, he brought it up. He asked for eventually for us all to be able to be cool and again he implied he was going to try and bring her up here to visit our daughter in the hospital. I laid a boundary. And some how I am the one not focusing on our daughter right now.
This was yesterday and I have not heard one word from him. He has not inquired as to how our daughter is, what facility she is at, how he can contact her. Nothing. I am so irate at this point I am seeing red.
AITA for being so angry at him? In my state abandonment is after 6 months. He was gone for 9 years. He has been inconsistent at best especially the last 6 months or so. Would I be justified in just blocking him and continuing on with our life like he never showed up?

Got a call from a random London phone number. The lady at the other end started with 'Assalam o Alaikum' which was ajeeb af. She then told me my number is being used to login to some '666 Gaming Site'. I said I don't know anything about it. She said okay thanks and ended the call. Now I got a temporsry password text on my phone.
The question is what kind of scam is this? I definitely didn't gave them the temporary password or my name or anything because obviously it sounded fishy... Should I be concerned about my number being used to inappropriate or illegal stiff? Any ideas?

Well well well, isn’t this a tale. It is long, but it is really funny imo. Me (ftm14) and my friends (m14), (nb13) and (nb14) were hanging out in town. We’re gonna call them Paul, Printer, and Leaf. We got chips, we chatted, and we were enjoying a nice weather Sunday after a week of it being cold and raining (southern hemisphere).
Anyway, it’s around 3:30pm and we are playing in the playground because we are still techinically children and it’s a climbing frame, who wouldn’t want to climb it. When a "friend" of ours we hadn’t seen for two/three years (f13) we’ll call her Ginger, shows up at the park with two boys who look her age or younger, we’ll call them Green Shirt and Black Shirt. Ginger comes and says hi to us, acting all nice and friendly. We chat for a few minutes, then she goes on the swings with Green and Black shirt.
After about 15 minutes, my friends and I decide to go do something else because Paul had to go very soon, this is where the annoyance begins. As I’m getting off, Green Shirt comes up to me and asks if I’m a furry (in the derogatory way kids are asking that these days) of which I am not, I politely respond no. He then asks if I have a Fursuit — of which I don’t — and I politely respond no again. He keeps pestering me about it so I tell him to piss off and my friends and I walk to another part of the park to hang out.
Paul leaves to go home, and Leaf and Printer — who are both furries and therians or something, I’m not up on the lingo — decide to practice doing quads(running and jumping on all fours). I let them do their thing and scroll on my phone, until Green Shirt comes back. (Paraphrasing because we swear a lot) “Hey I have an interview!” He asks, “What do you want?” We respond. “What’s it like in the furry world?” He asks, in a derogatory way. Us: “What do you mean? We’re in the normal world” Him: *snickering* “oh my god I didn’t know animals could talk!”
We very impolitely tell him to go f*ck himself, and he goes back to spread gossip to Ginger and Black shirt. We notice as we walk off that Green Shirt has a scooter, he also looks like he’s nine. Oh, and he’s wearing a helmet. Of course safety is nice, but he looked so funny becuase he was wearing a motorbike helmet. On a scooter. The scooter wasn’t even electric, it was a normal scooter.
As we left the part to walk through the towns main street, he came up to us on his manual scooter with his motorbike helmet, calling us furries, calling our genders not real (we hadn’t even told him our gender) and other things like that before repeatedly going back to talk with Ginger and Black shirt. I commented to my friend that while he is mocking our gender, he looks like a child and I probably have more testosterone in my body than him (I’m still biologically female, he really did look like a child).
This was when my friends had an idea, they discussed it and I listened, but I didn’t think that green shirt was gonna come back. ..then, Green Shirt came back.
Green shirt: “you guys are furries!” My friends: (high pitched, annoying and patronizing) “OH MY GOSH YOURE SO SKIBIDI SIGMA! I LOVE YOUR HELMET POOKIE BEAR SAFETY FIRST LETS GO! SLAYYYY WE LOVE YOU OH MY GOSH YOU HAVE SO MUCH GYATT, YOURE SO SKIBIDI!!!”
His confidence shattered, but he didn’t just stop there, oh no no, he tried ignoring them first. I still wasn’t saying that to him, I was just laughing. He asked me, “what’s your gender?” I ignored his question, “what’s your gender?” I asked him back. He said in a less and less confident voice, “I’m a man!”. “How so?” I responded. He said smugly, “I have a pole”.
..I genuinely misheard him and thought he said he was the hulk, so I said “you’re the HULK?! I really don’t think so you’re arms are twigs,” Him, getting increasingly exasperated as my friends are still screaming that he is sigma; “NO! I said I have a pole!”. …I proceeded to gesture dramatically at a metal pole that was conveniently near where we were sitting, I was yelling “OH MY GOSH ITS YOUR POLE! NO WAY I GUESS THE POLE IS A MAN TOO! I GUESS ANYONE NEAR THE POLE IS A MAN! YOU HAVE A METAL POLE SO YOURE A MAN WELL DONE!!”
My friends joined in. It was chaos. He couldn’t think of anything to say, all of his insults were unoriginal from the beginning, but all he said to us as he went back was that we had mental issues, we were mentally r*tarded, and he called as f*cking furry c*nts in frustration. He went back down the hill, but then Ginger and Black Shirt came walking up with Green Shirt.
My friends proceeded to continue calling them skibidi sigmas, while I was there for the witty one liners I all of a sudden happened to have. Green shirt literally scooted on his scooter to the other side of the road to get away from us (we were just sitting on a bench), his motorbike helmet and metal pole and all.
Black shirt called us mentally r*tarded, while I yelled at Ginger; some context: Ginger and I had been friends since preschool, we drifted apart after like year 5, but we still texted sometimes until I went to high school. As Ginger and Black shirt crossed the road, I yelled; “Ginger, GINGER! I thought we were friends! Why are you being mean?!”
Ginger replied defensively, “I’m not doing anything!”. ..by this time you could tell all three of them were thinking /we/ were harassing /them/, green and black shirt looked legit terrified even from the other side of the road. They were also feeling embarrassed now, because we were yelling things to across the road in a busy street. My friends and I didn't care about public humiliation, they were in for it.
I yelled to ginger, “ginger! Ginger! GINGER!” I had her attention, “We’ve been friends since preschool! We’ve been friends since we were four!” I could see green and black shirt look at her almost disgusted, I continued, “WHY ARE YOU LETTING YOUR FRIENDS BE MEAN?! WEVE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE WE WERE KIDS!” (Please note this all happened in about three minutes, so my friends are still yelling about them all having rizz and being pookie bears)
…they don’t respond. They just continue walking up the hill and I tell my friends we should walk back down near the park because I needed to start walking home.
As we walked down the hill — still quite shocked we had used our collective braincell to get back at a bully — we could hear Ginger, Green shirt and Black shirt arguing with each other, but they were too far away we could only guess what about.
It’s been an hour and I can’t stop smiling, I found this sub through The Click and I hope my story fits here.

Looking to get a signature scent and i’m in love with everything that’s got a sugary sweet,lactonic,vanilla kind of vibe. My current faves are sweet tooth and kyse delizia di marshmallow to kinda give an idea of the vibe im going for. Just need something new with great projection. Thanks!

I Accepted a Job to Film on the Dark Web
Man, I am pumped to tell you chronically online content addicts my story. Wait is that too mean of an intro? Will this get taken down for harassment since I painted too accurate a picture of the people on this site? Sorry, everyone, I’m sure you all smell like an expensive bakery and have touched grass this morning. Anyway, I promise I have something interesting. It even involves the dark web you uncreative writers cream yourselves over! I mean, totally real people speaking about their strangely similar experiences. Okay, fine I’ll stop bullying you through the screen before you click off.
This all started when I was seven years old and my parents were killed in front of me in an anti-indigenous hate crime, but let's be real you don’t care. I’m just some annoying Cherokee kid with dead parents so I’ll skip to the good parts. I spent years in an orphanage, gradually becoming more interested in death and violence. As bad as it is, I went out of my way to expose myself to that content in the hopes of desensitizing myself. Which ended up working too well, since now I’m obsessed with causing and viewing pain, though I don’t find any joy in hurting myself.
I got adopted at twelve and after a few months of staying at my new family’s home on the reservation, I went with them to a state sweatier than the average Reddit user, California. Long story short, both of my caretakers, whom I referred to as Uncle and Auntie because they could never be my parents, died. Leaving me in the care of their older son, who I call cousin. I’m not stupid enough to give up any real names, so I’ll call him Brick, cause he’s as dumb as one. He was in his early 20s when he was tasked with taking care of me and is the world’s worst excuse for a babysitter.
I’m almost always alone at the apartment, with him only coming by to drop off supplies and stay for a few hours so the neighbors don’t get too worried. Unless I get in trouble at school, then he’d suddenly give a shit. It's useful because he doesn't about the gory stuff I look at, but some display of interest would be nice. Oh well, ninety percent of the population sucks so he’s just part of the majority. Now, with that said, you’ll be able to understand the perfect storm that led me here. During my time on the deep web, I found a particular website that caught my eye. They had new footage relatively consistently and they were the easiest for me to access since I didn't go too far into the dark web, especially with all the honey pots lying around.
I even bought a couple of files for myself to study and admire. One thing irritated me though, the cameraman. He was always sobbing, breathing, shaking, or some combination of those. It seriously killed the vibe of the killings. Something I commented on under many videos, often saying I would do a better job filming. A choice that in hindsight was me asking to end up in one of those recordings. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was mostly the only one who commented but I was sure they wouldn't care. I was embarrassingly wrong.
I was staying up like usual, but it was past one AM on a school night, and back then that was a lot so I tried to sleep. Closing my eyes, tossing and turning, the works. I had just started drifting off when I heard the front door open. I remained calm but immediately found it weird since Brick never showed up this late. The thuds of the individual's feet grew louder as they got closer to my bedroom. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a stranger, especially since they got in with ease, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
They hummed as they opened my door. My dumbass had left it unlocked. I remained on my side, trying to look like I was asleep. They turned on the flashlight of their phone, shining it in my face. It was hard but I stayed still while they traced it over my features. I could tell they were smiling as they clicked their tongue.
“Heh, I knew it was a brat,” they whispered to themselves, pulling tangles out of my hair. Something I struggled not to groan from. They pulled up the hair over my ear and got so close spit got on my ear lobe.
“I know you’re awake kid,” they murmured, putting a blade to my neck. I let them grab my shoulder and move me onto my back, I knew how to fight but I wasn't about to take that big a risk with the position they had me in.
“You think you’re so cool saying you can do better than our guy.” they snickered, kneeling, their flashlight still shining in my face.
“Do you seriously believe that?” they questioned, moving the light away.
“Yeah, I do.” I stood my ground, they might have been intimidating but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from being honest.
“I wouldn't sound like I’m gonna piss myself every time it gets gory. I’m confident I could get better footage too, getting up close is something I’ve fantasized about.”
They clicked their tongue again and ran their finger over the bridge of my nose.
”Well, I know you’re a big fan of what we do, and you’re confidence makes me think you got something to back those claims up, so how’d you like a deal?”
I was surprised by how civil they were being aside from the touching and weapon against my throat.
“What kind of deal?” I asked, for all I knew this guy wanted me to lick their feet or some weird shit like that. They placed a finger underneath my eye, tracing a half moon with their nail.
“You have till this Friday to film a video of you killing an animal and put it on a flash drive that I’ll pick up here. If it impresses me and the crew we’ll hire ya with a handsome salary.” They began, moving their hand down to my cheek.
“But if you don't show, or it doesn't meet our standards, then I’m fucking up one of the parts of your face.” They warned, pinching my skin harshly.
“And if I say no to this deal?”
They put their hand over my mouth, scratching my lips.
“That’s cute, if you say no I’ll just slit your throat.” they grinned.
“Or rip it open with my teeth if you got a preference,” they smirked, before running their tongue across their sharp teeth.
“Okay, since I have no choice I’ll go with it, but I’m telling you now I can give you something way better than what you likely expect of me.” I prefaced, looking into their sunken eyes. They scratched my scalp, including the side of my head that was shaved.
“Good choice, I’ll be back to pick it up and if you're not here I’ll assume you don’t have the video. I genuinely wish you luck, because you’ll need it.” they removed the blade from my neck and walked away. I sat still for a few minutes in the dark, processing what had happened and wondering how they got into my apartment with such ease. I was confident I could blow their sniveling excuse of a cameraman out of the water, but I was worried about the people I was getting caught up with.
Sure, I had been on a lot of gore sites over the years but I was always just watching and occasionally commenting. Compared to most in the scene I wasn't much of a threat. I could defend myself and have contemplated killing for years but I hadn't murdered anyone or worse. Plus, I am part of way too many targeted groups to not be constantly at risk. Teenage, fem-leaning, two-spirit, indigenous kid with trauma? Yeah, I might as well be walking sign screaming “Hate crime me”.
So yeah, there was a lot to worry about. Regardless, I couldn't let that fear hold me back. I had a job to do and a group of sickos to appease. The next morning was rough, I got no sleep cause I’d spent all night brainstorming. I barely mustered the energy to change and drank straight mouthwash instead of brushing my teeth. Slogging onto the bus with drool on my cheek, I went to the back like usual. No one sat there cause, the seats were extra worn down, and I scared off anyone who attempted to with my active, rabies-infected bitch face. That day was different though.
I blanked on his name and where I knew him from, but I recognized his wavy hair and prominent curved nose. He glanced at each seat on the bus, before somehow settling on my area. He tried to give me space but ultimately seated himself beside me after realizing it was the only spot that didn't look like it would give him cancer. I glared at him as I did with everyone, but it didn't phase him.
“You know you could pick anywhere else right?” I murmured. He stared at the floor, then at me.
“I’m aware, but a few months ago I started a mission to sit on every part of this bus, and this is the last place.” he smiled, his lips softly curving at the sides.
“What’s the point of that?”
His mouth moved into a more neutral position, but his eyes kept smiling.
“I just thought it would be neat to see the same place from a bunch of different perspectives.” he took out his phone and snapped a photo from the point of view where he was sitting. Maybe my sleepiness made my bitch face less effective, cause he hadn't shown a hint of fear, which kind of annoyed me.
“That’s cool I guess, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. I’ve done some back here alone that would make your skin crawl.” in hindsight my attempt at unnerving him just made me sound like a pervert, which is probably why he held back laughter. Trying to hide a chuckle by clearing his throat.
“Hey, it's not my business what you do, no matter how Haram it is. It’s your life so that’s between you and whatever you believe in. Just don’t shake hands with me.” he joked, playfully putting his hands up. Strangely, I remembered his name at that moment.
“Oh shit, you’re Abdul! We have art together.” I sat up, haphazardly slamming my hand down on my leg.
“Uh yeah, I’ve seen some of your paintings, they’re pretty cool. I like the way you texture them, I’m trying to work on that.” he complimented, seeming more weirded out by my sudden energy than my accidental insinuation. I felt a little stupid for yelling his name but decided not to dwell on it.
“Thanks, you’re stuff is nice, and you’re good at shading.”
He stretched his arms while thanking me. We talked for a few more minutes, taking jabs at each other throughout. Turns out he was better at being an asshole than his artsy charismatic appearance made me think. The thing setting our insults apart being that you could tell he was a loving person underneath. It was the nicest conversation I had with anyone in a while. Though he could tell I was tired so he quieted down, letting me sleep, waking me when we got to school. We went our separate ways until the last two periods we shared. All that time, I spent my remaining energy plotting how I was going to handle the video. What I’d kill, record with, and how to dispose of the evidence. It was a lot to consider, but through three classes I devised a plan.
I’d find a stray around my apartment complex and take it out in my room. Record it on a portable camera since I broke the ones on my phone, no, I will not be answering how that happened. Then once I had my footage I’d put the body in a trash bag, throw it in the complex’s garbage, and clean the blood off my floor. It didn't seem like Brick would come by so he wasn't a factor I thought I’d have to consider. The plan was almost too easy, but I decided to believe in Occam’s razor. I got so lost in thought that by the time I reached Art, which was my second-to-last period, I didn't process that we were moving seats.
“She called your name,” Abdul reminded me. Our teacher placed us next to each other at our four-person table. The two girls sitting with us were already friends, so I didn't bother to say anything, but I was interested in talking to him more.
“So, what do you think of this assignment?” He shrugged, taking out his sketchbook.
“I’m not that good at drawing people, but the idea of combining two people’s faces into a portrait seems interesting. Any ideas on who you’ll pick?”
“Probably the members of the music duo Brain Tumor, they’re my favorite artists and they both look weird as hell.”
“Wow way to talk about your favorites, if that’s what you say about them I can‘t imagine what you have to say about me.” he joked, pulling up reference pictures.
“First, it’s not an insult, second I don’t have anything to say about you. Brain and Tumor have features and styles that make them stand out. Sure they’re ugly, but it just adds to their visual charm. Hot people are boring, there’s nothing to pick at.” I explained, unzipping my bag.
“Oh, so you’re saying you think I’m hot.”
His comment wasn’t serious but it kind of got to me.
“Shit, that’s not what I meant, I was trying to say you’re boring. All hot people are boring, but not all boring people are hot, okay?” I explained, flipping to a clean page.
“Alright, but if I’m so bland then why talk to me?”
I hesitated, contemplating how much of a dick I was gonna be.
“Because it means you probably need some spice in your life, which I can provide.”
He began sketching a head on his paper.
“I like spices, but I feel like you’re the kind of person to dump a cabinet’s worth onto me.”
I flicked my pencil over to his side of the desk, putting on a mocking grin.
“Aww, you scared I’m gonna get you into trouble?”
He picked up the pencil and started using it, putting his on my side.
“No, ‘cause I’m good at setting boundaries. I’m more concerned that you’ll get annoyed with how unafraid of you I am.”
I stared at him for a moment, I hadn't expected to hear that.
“Jeez, man you didn't have to read me like that.”
He shrugged, observing the red paint from past projects that lay on my pencil.
“It's not hard to figure out, just this morning you were trying to push me away on the bus. Lucky, or unlucky, for you I want you to have a friend and you seem like a fun person.”
“Wait are you saying I have no friends?” I squinted at him.
“Well, do you?”
I didn't answer.
“If your response is silence I suggest you take up my offer.”
I was stunned, to be honest. No one had offered to be my friend since 6th grade, and that didn't last long. Of course, I accepted it, but for the rest of the period, there was an awkwardness in my mind. As pathetic as it sounds I wasn't used to others genuinely enjoying my company like he did. Which was partly by design cause I get joy out of scaring people away, but still. I forgot how it felt to have conversations about normal things like art. He had such a nice smile too, usually when I see a grin I want to slap it off, but I liked his. His voice was also nice, it’s hard to describe what in particular but it was easy on the ears.
Okay, I’m starting to get off-topic. I’ll skip to the important part. Toward the end of class, he started talking about how he was interested in filmmaking and got a portable video camera as a gift at last year’s Eid. He didn't have it on him, but he showed me a picture.
“Heh, that’s funny, I bought the same one a month ago.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, it's a popular model, I’m still getting the hang of it though cause I’m so used to using my phone.”
“Well, maybe I could bring you over to my place or vice versa after school and I can help you out.” I suggested.
He smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I thought you said you’ve only had it for a month? You know I can always look up tutorials from trained professionals.” he reminded me with a notable smugness that I'd used with him before.
“Well those guys are stuffy and I’m a fast learner.”
He redirected his attention back to his page, picking his pencil up.
“Alright, I suggest we go somewhere public instead. You’re not exactly the kind of person I want to bring home to my parents right away. Plus they always need to meet my friends and their guardians before I hang out at their home.”
I gave an exaggerated sigh, stretching my back.
“Aw man, looks like we can’t get high in my murder pit during our first hangout.”
He didn't respond for a solid few seconds.
“Wait, you do know I'm joking right?”
He shrugged, the smile in his eyes appearing again.
“I mean, one of those things is a little less believable than the other.” he snickered, and I laughed with him.
We set up a time and a date, which is where I screwed myself. He ended up being busy with projects from his other classes and family which just left us with Friday, the same day I had to submit the video. Now, did I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it? No, of course not, because I decided to be stupid and even more overconfident. I said that I’d one hundred percent be able to hang out with him after school like I didn't have a mutilator who was going to drop by my place at an unknown time.
The rest of the day went over fine but that bad timing led me to feel like a dick later. When I got home I was able to write out my plan, even sketching a few specifics of what I’d do. It was more exciting than when I’d been brainstorming, but this is when the gravity of the situation began to set in. When I said I’d fantasized about killings I meant it. I mean my teddy with twenty-five stab wounds should say enough. Regardless this would be the first time real blood was on my hands.
It made me feel powerful, but a little afraid. I’ve heard stories of people thinking that it would be an awesome experience and then feeling like shit. I doubted I’d be one of those people but still. Plus, I didn't exactly trust the guy who gave me this job. There was a good chance that this whole situation was rigged and they’d kill me no matter how good the video was. Or worse turn me into the feds and expose my collection. Honestly, if that happened I’d probably eat a shot to avoid going to jail. Wait, can I say that on this platform? Okay to the mods, that was a joke, I want to live a long life. Ugh, I’m doing a terrible job of staying on track. The point is there was a lot up in the air despite it being a matter of life or death.
I knew I’d go through with it but it was still a lot less straightforward than it initially seemed. I wracked my brain to remember where most of the cats stayed and tried to come up with a good way to lure one without raising suspicion. This also proved harder than first thought because I didn't think to account for the cat man, an old guy who lived alone and fed all the cats in our dingy complex while also housing a few. Knowing how obsessive he was he’d probably notice if one of them disappeared. Then again not all the cats return consistently or at all. It makes more sense that he’d think one of them was run over rather than slaughtered. It was getting late again so I rested my head for a moment, a bad move cause I ended up falling asleep at my desk. Not even changing out of the clothes I’d worn before, I woke up late and barely caught the bus the next morning.
I went to my usual spot but Abdul had already taken it. He patted the area next to it, which he’d covered in a towel, a smart move knowing how nasty it was. People gave me a few dirty looks as normal, which I smiled at. I stretched, my mind slightly less out of it than the previous morning.
“Uh, you do realize that-”
“Yeah, I know I’m wearing the same clothes.”
Abdul looked me up and down, his eyes remaining soft, but with a mix of concern and judgment. He set his backpack down and took off his sweater handing it to me.
“Dude what are you-”
“Look I don't know what led to you not being able to change but I think you should at least have a fresh top.”
I was surprised he was offering me something to wear but I took it.
“Uh, thanks, I’ll change into it later.”
He nodded as I put it in my backpack.
“You know you didn't have to do that.” I reminded him.
“Well there’s a lot of stuff I don’t have to do, but I do it because I want to, and I wanted to help you out.”
He smiled, his face still warmer than an Arizona summer. I got a strange feeling in my chest at that moment, I still can’t tell if it was good or bad.
“Well, thanks, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.”
We talked a little more and he mentioned something that caught my attention.
“Have you heard about all the animals that have been turning up dead?”
My eyes widened with surprise.
“No, I haven't, when did you hear about that?”
He pulled on his long-sleeve shirt.
“My sister said her friend who works at a shelter noticed a bunch of animals were getting adopted by people around the same time, and since then gore videos with them have been showing up. She found out through her co-worker who was emailed it by some random creep.”
I covered my mouth and looked away to hide the smile growing on my face. He had just given me the perfect cover-up without knowing. Now if I killed an animal people had an entire violent ring to connect it to instead of me! I stayed quiet for a minute because I could tell he’d likely see through any phony sad sounds I made.
“Oh wow, that’s awful, do you think they’ll ever find out the people behind it?”
He sighed, running his hand through his wavy hair.
“I hope so, for now, all we can do is pray that no more animals get hurt.”
I couldn't contain my grin as he said that so sincerely like animals and people didn't die constantly and that taking down one group would somehow stop the issue.
“Is there some joke I don’t get?” he furrowed his brow.
“Uh, no, sorry I smile when nervous.”
His gaze softened again, and he didn't press further.
His bringing up the animal killings ended up being the exact push I needed to get my hands dirty. I’d spent the entire day before planning so it was time to put that plan into action. I stole some cat treats that the cat man had laid out and spread them around my apartment which was on the bottom floor. Waiting for one of them to take the bate outside my window was pretty boring but one of them came after a few minutes. A scraggly brown and black cat with a tuft of fur missing on one side of his head. It's messed up but I felt like a little less of an asshole for taking him in since he looked like he was already struggling. I scooped him up and he didn't attempt to fight back.
“Hey there buddy” I waved, feeding him some more food. His eyes had a lot of crust on them, it was kinda gross but I don’t have the right to say with how often I wash my jeans. After a minute or two he let me pet him. I knew making any kind of attachment was bad but I thought it was the right thing to do so he’d fall into a sense of security. I was just about to take him into my room when the door opened.
“Hey, I’m back with groceries!” my shithead cousin announced with two plastic bags in his hands. He looked down to see me with the cat, his eyebrows raising.
“Aw come on, you know we can’t afford a pet.”
He groaned placing the bags on a table and unloading them.
“I know, but he doesn't look like he’s got a lot of life in him I at least want to help him feel better before he kicks the bucket!”
Brick rolled his eyes, putting the cereal box on top of the fridge
“Jeez, did you even think about what diseases he might have? His eyes look puffy what if he has something that can get you sick?”
He had valid concerns which was surprising since he’s usually stupid, but I was still annoyed with him.
“I’m sure he’s fine, I’ll even try to wash him, just please let me hold onto him for a little.”
He folded his arms looking down at us.
“Have you even named him?”
I froze for a second, before using the first thing that came to mind, which ended up being pretty awful knowing my plans.
“Cash cow.” I blurted, awkwardly patting his head.
“Honestly that’s better than what I was expecting. I was sure you’d pick ‘Hellspawn Mcgee’ or something else corny.”
He meant to make fun of me but honestly, I would have named him that if I had more time.
“Ugh, anyway I got those dumb chips you like.”
He then pulled out a bag of the wrong chips.
“Dude those are the wrong ones, this is the third time you’ve mixed up the flavors.”
He threw them at me, scaring the cat slightly.
“Well, I pay for it so you shouldn't be so picky. Anyway, while I was in line I picked up something you might be into.”
He then tossed me a trashy teen magazine. One of my least favorite sorry excuses for an influencer on the cover.
“This is a joke, right?”
I couldn't believe my own adopted brother gave such little shit in my interests.
“I don't know, you decided to start being a girl for real this time so I thought the makeup tips on page ten would help you out.”
I scrunched my face at his comment.
“Dude I’ve been this way for years, just because I started wearing more makeup and dresses doesn't mean I’m more of a girl than when I didn't. I know you won’t get the two-spirit thing but come on.”
He shrugged, seeing me done with me even though he’d just shown up.
“Yeah well hey I’m trying. Anyway, just so you know a friend of mine is coming here Friday.”
My heart stopped.
“Wait why here? You live elsewhere why can’t you assholes go there or their place!”
He slammed his fist on the table.
“Will you shut the fuck up!”
He screamed with a phrase I’d grown numb to.
“I don't know, to be honest, something about wanting to move into this complex and this being a way to scout it out. I’m just letting you know now so you don’t act like a complete freak.”
“Jokes on you I’ll piss in whatever shitty beer you bring just cause you said that!”
I yelled back raising my voice higher than his. He face-palmed before putting the plastic bags in the drawer under the sink.
“Whatever, you and your ketamine-addict-looking cat have fun,” he told me while seating himself on the couch. I picked up the cat and walked into the bathroom to clean it. I closed the door and placed him in the dry tub. Using a small disposable mouthwash cup I got a little bit of water. I hadn't had a pet before so I wasn't sure how to approach the task. I dipped my fingers in the water and carefully pet it while pouring s small bit down his back. Any other cat would fight back but he just made pissed-off noises without doing anything.
I scrapped my old shampoo bottle and kneaded it into his thin fur. His skin was bumpy and dry beneath the hair so scrubbing it was uncomfortable. I made sure to avoid getting soap in its eyes but I did pull away some of the crust on its lids. His pupils were so clouded I was surprised that he could see at all, making me feel even more sure that he would be on its way out with or without me.
After drying him I set him on a beat-up shirt I wore when modifying clothes. He sunk his claws into it a few times, playing with a loose string. I ignored him for the rest of the night, hopping into the shower and changing for bed. His meows woke me up a few times but I tuned it out after a while, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my cat for long.
The next day was Thursday and there wasn't a second that passed by where the weight of the murder I’d have to commit didn't weigh on me. I seriously shot myself in the foot by taking care of that scruffy, pubic hair pile. I was supposed to be hyped about killing it, after all, I’d dreamed and seen way worse than what I was going to do. Yet once I got home and started setting up I felt grosser with each step. I decided to record it in my bathroom instead of my bedroom so it would be harder to connect to me. I set down a few fabric scraps and a worn-out beach towel, placing it all inside a tub for easier cleanup later.
“Okay, I guess it's time,” I mumbled to myself. I brought the cat in and placed it down, setting up my camera once it was comfortable. I also wore my most generic clothes in addition to a mask, putting my hair in a bun for sanitation. When I saw the flicker of red showing that the camera was on I felt I was dreaming. I smiled, excited that I’d get to live out my violent desires. Yet, when I looked down at its pathetic frame and confused expression those urges left me.
I rationalized what I was doing, reminding myself how many animals die all the time and that I’d been forced into this, but it didn't help much in the end. I won’t get into it but under the pressure of impressing the group Cash Cow didn't go out as fast as I would have liked for a first task. Getting rid of the evidence was especially rough, the textures were pretty nasty, to put it mildly. It was surreal watching the blood go down the tub drain and gradually drip off my hands as I rinsed them. I couldn't conjure a single thought the entire time I cleaned it up.
Whether I was wringing out the clothes or putting the remains in plastic bags, it didn't matter. All I could focus on was the task at hand, with hints of disgust along the way. I ended up finishing at three AM. My hands were wrinkled and shook once I settled. I won’t deny that during the murder I didn't hate it. Slashing into something was fun and it made me feel strong. Still, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I expected it to be. Part of it was guilt, but it was mostly disappointment. I’d built it up for years and it wasn't earth shatteringly good or bad.
Overall, I expected to feel more, but it just left me hollow with an uncomfortable itch. There was no way I’d ever be able to see the tub the same way, hell I don’t think I’ll ever use it again. Luckily I almost always shower anyway so it's not too big of a deal. I watched a few horror game videos, trashed everything, changed and went to bed.
My scalp hurt like a bitch the morning since I kept my hair in that stupid bun. Despite getting less sleep than the past two days I held myself together a bit better in the morning. I brushed my teeth, changed, and had some fried bread before getting on the bus. Regardless I looked like complete shit and struggled to slump into my seat.
“Rough night?” Abdul asked
“Uh, yeah.” I quietly responded looking to the floor.
He frowned, looking at me with concern.
“You can talk about it if you're comfortable,” he assured me. I contemplated giving him a thinly veiled metaphor or vague explanation so he'd comfort me but stopped myself before my mouth could run a muck. He wouldn't be able to do much of anything and I don’t like opening up.
“Uhm, thanks but it's something I have to deal with alone.”
He nodded, respecting my boundaries.
“You know, I understand if you can’t hang out today it seems like you have a lot going on.”
I avoided eye contact with him as he spoke. For once I was feeling hints of guilt toward a person. I wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I wasn't in the state to do that.
“Yeah, I think it’ll have to wait, I’m-” I cut myself off before apologizing. A fact about me that should surprise no one is that I hate apologizing. Even when I do feel kinda bad the act fills me with embarrassment.
“You what?” he asked, his eyes telling me that he knew what I was going to say.
“I’m emotionally not great.” I spat out in an admittedly poor attempt to get out of saying sorry. As always he remained calm but I could tell he saw through me.
“Okay, like I said I understand, whatever it is I hope you feel better.”
I told him thank you and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, I wasn't bouncing back from killing nearly as much as I expected.
“It wasn't even that bad! That thing was on its last legs anyway.” I grumbled to myself, smacking my forehead. I was feeling worse than when I did it which is weird. I ended up spontaneously decorating a ratty tie from the bottom of an accessory drawer to distract myself. It helped me get my mind off things, for a little. I had zero plan, just wanting to make something needlessly complex. Hours that felt like minutes passed and soon it was covered in patches, frills, and beads. I just tried it on when I heard the front door open.
“Man, that shit was wild!” I heard Brick laugh groggily. I didn't have to see or smell him to know he’d gotten lit. I rolled my eyes, closing my bedroom door.
“Hey, who’s there?” his friend asked, seemingly referring to me.
“Oh, that’s my little sis, don’t mind her she’s just on her emo shit!” he joked, which pissed me off for the petty reason that I didn't even listen or dress emo.
“Hey, that’s alright with me, I went through one of those phases,” they responded, their words less slurred than my cousin’s.
I fucked up and forgot to lock it when I closed it so they were able to swing it open, almost smacking my desk.
“Hey emo girl!” they waved as Brick haphazardly pulled them back.
“Okay, man, seriously I think she wants to be left alone.”
The way his friend looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they’d snap my neck if I pissed them off. They clicked their tongue while stepping through the door frame.
“Alright, but I gotta say calling her an emo is inaccurate, they look like they watch gore and most emos just say they do.” they flashed a sharp toothy grin. At that moment I began to connect the dots.
“Easy, she’ll get pissy with you dude, now come on.” Brick warned tugging their opened button pushed him away. They looked me dead in the eyes.
“I don’t think she minds, in truth, I feel like we’ll have a lot to discuss later.” they smiled again, finally walking back into the living room. A chill ran up my spine when I saw them. The sharp teeth, New York accent, unsettling gaze, that motherfucker was the person who recruited me! They were able to get into my place so easily cause my dumbass cousin probably gave them a spare key or the opportunity to make one, and now they were a room away from me!
I dug my hands into my pillow as I contemplated what to do, no matter what happened next, I knew it was gonna be a rough visit.

I am dating a girl for over 7 months and the relationship is perfect. We both admitted to being in the relationship with each other for a long time with marriage goals in sight. I really like the idea of us having something, and tonight was a great example of that. Tonight we watched two documentaries with her brother and a friend of her brother's, and it was great. I will say there were a few times we had to answer the phone to text about some stuff though it was often basic responses to stuff that really sold the relationship. I like the idea of us talking, though the movies were really captivating, and being cuddled up under a blanket (at times) w/ her on the couch really made for something fun. Everybody went home not long ago as she was tired and ready to sleep, and personally I am awake for a bit longer, though as the relationship has continued it is a relationship where something like this may be one of the things we do. It should be mentioned it is going to be a pretty long summer so we may be spending a lot of our time together. Her roommate was here though she left a bit early as well. I think we are making for a good relationship though it is complicated to say if things could have been better. She did seem frustrated at times though she gets like that so it is nothing. It should also be mentioned we are still talking about our plans for tomorrow as we don't have anything to do at all. I like the idea of us having something though how can we build off of something like this? I am really uncertain. It may be I just talk to her when she wakes up though i'd like to have things ready.
Any advice is appreciated, thank you. ⚡️😜

Hey guys. My mom has always been really unwell mentally but It's getting to a point where I feel like I need to start making a plan for her.
I grew up with drug-addicted parents but my mom was the one who stuck it out and stayed with me. She no longer does drugs ( She was mostly just drugged by my dad, But occasionally she did meth herself so she could stay up later and work longer hours) but shes a hoarder. It's weird to say but she "hoarded me" too. She didn't tell any of my family members that we didn't have hot water or access to heating or food for years. CPS came to my house and my aunt took me in when she found out when i turned 14. She gets very angry when I bring it up, even just the hoarding or advice about curbing her spending. She always has. My mom has been evicted at least 4 times, I lost count. She never showered regularly or brushed her teeth regularly or took care of herself regularly at all. It's gotten to the point where her health is so bad that she can no longer hold in her urine very well. She now constantly smells like urine, and leaks urine in her daipers everywhere she sits.
The worst part is that she's a nurse. She takes people's blood on a regular basis. She is completely functional at her job. But when it comes to being around me in person, she almost sounds psychotic. She points out parts of my body that she thinks are cute and funny because they've "developed" so i look "grown". Im 29 years old. She keeps trying to sleep in my bed whenever I visit because she wants to cuddle with me. I'm having to explain with her that i have boundaries that are healthy but she just doesn't understand and she doesn't really care. She just sits and watches TV and pees on herself.
I moved across the country and have lived across the country for about 2 years. She often sounds intelligent over the phone, but when I visit she acts like a sad little puppy. Her car is filled completely to the brim with her hoard. Even walking up the stairs makes her so tired that she makes a big deal out of it. She wants pity really badly from me and whenever I visit I have to pay for everything. She gives me a lot of bullshit reasons why she doesn't have money, but she works more than 40 hours a week. Her rent is only $400 because she lives in a spare room that her friend has. I tell her this doesn't add up and she just gets angry with me and starts talking about how she keeps pissing herself and passing out at her job from period blood loss because her health is deteriorating. The doctor's really struggle to diagnose her because she didn't have a papsmear in over 30 years. (Which I don't believe but they have no idea how to prove it or disprove it)
The thing is my mom is mentally unwell but she does a lot of this to herself, And she acts like she has no idea so I have no idea if she's playing a martyr or if she's actually unwell. My boyfriend says that I have to just let her be her, she acts so sad and pathetic around me, it guilt trips me so badly. And it sucks because my mom is so friendly to everyone so people love her. She even tells me things like " Your number one you can do anything! You're such an amazing person you're better than anyone else in the world!!" At first I used to love the attention but I realized later I think her entire interactions with me are starting to verge on love bombing. And when I'm physically around her she sees me as a source of pity and attention. But she's also peeing on herself now and her health is deteriorating so bad that she can barely climb stairs or walk far distances. Shes only 58. Yet she drinks multiple bottles of Mountain Dew daily. Her mother was severely depressed, wasted away on the couch for years, and died from an anurism at 62.
When do you step in? This is going to sound incredibly harsh but... do your parents have to earn that help? My mom has been mentally ill my entire life so I have no idea what she's supposed to act like. I've never had a normal parent, I don't know where to start I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I already told myself that I would never take care of my father but I have no idea what to do with my mother. She's convinced all my family members to pity her but they would never lend her money. She's just acts so pathetic that people feel sorry for her and I don't really know what to do because she's way stronger and better than that. Every time I tried to talk to her about her retirement she just brings up my dad and how he ruined her life, It's almost like she just doesn't want to move forward and only wants to lean on me. She hypnotized by the television too, Even as a child I noticed that my mom would miss appointments and completely destroy vacations ( There rare ones that we were able to have) by getting stuck just watching tv.
Please help me figure out what I am supposed to do with her. I have to remind her to change her diaper so she doesn't smell like piss when I visit. When I visit her it feels like I'm dealing with a toddler... Do you think her brain is deteriorating? How the hell is she still able to do her job?? This doesn't add up and I feel gas lit I don't know how to feel I don't know what to do....

Hey guys. My mom has always been really unwell mentally but It's getting to a point where I feel like I need to start making a plan for her.
I grew up with drug-addicted parents but my mom was the one who stuck it out and stayed with me. She no longer does drugs ( She was mostly just drugged by my dad, But occasionally she did meth herself so she could stay up later and work longer hours) but shes a hoarder. It's weird to say but she "hoarded me" too. She didn't tell any of my family members that we didn't have hot water or access to heating or food for years. CPS came to my house and my aunt took me in when she found out when i turned 14. She gets very angry when I bring it up, even just the hoarding or advice about curbing her spending. She always has. My mom has been evicted at least 4 times, I lost count. She never showered regularly or brushed her teeth regularly or took care of herself regularly at all. It's gotten to the point where her health is so bad that she can no longer hold in her urine very well. She now constantly smells like urine, and leaks urine in her daipers everywhere she sits.
The worst part is that she's a nurse. She takes people's blood on a regular basis. She is completely functional at her job. But when it comes to being around me in person, she almost sounds psychotic. She points out parts of my body that she thinks are cute and funny because they've "developed" so i look "grown". Im 29 years old. She keeps trying to sleep in my bed whenever I visit because she wants to cuddle with me. I'm having to explain with her that i have boundaries that are healthy but she just doesn't understand and she doesn't really care. She just sits and watches TV and pees on herself.
I moved across the country and have lived across the country for about 2 years. She often sounds intelligent over the phone, but when I visit she acts like a sad little puppy. Her car is filled completely to the brim with her hoard. Even walking up the stairs makes her so tired that she makes a big deal out of it. She wants pity really badly from me and whenever I visit I have to pay for everything. She gives me a lot of bullshit reasons why she doesn't have money, but she works more than 40 hours a week. Her rent is only $400 because she lives in a spare room that her friend has. I tell her this doesn't add up and she just gets angry with me and starts talking about how she keeps pissing herself and passing out at her job from period blood loss because her health is deteriorating. The doctor's really struggle to diagnose her because she didn't have a papsmear in over 30 years. (Which I don't believe but they have no idea how to prove it or disprove it)
The thing is my mom is mentally unwell but she does a lot of this to herself, And she acts like she has no idea so I have no idea if she's playing a martyr or if she's actually unwell. My boyfriend says that I have to just let her be her, she acts so sad and pathetic around me, it guilt trips me so badly. And it sucks because my mom is so friendly to everyone so people love her. She even tells me things like " Your number one you can do anything! You're such an amazing person you're better than anyone else in the world!!" At first I used to love the attention but I realized later I think her entire interactions with me are starting to verge on love bombing. And when I'm physically around her she sees me as a source of pity and attention. But she's also peeing on herself now and her health is deteriorating so bad that she can barely climb stairs or walk far distances. Shes only 58. Yet she drinks multiple bottles of Mountain Dew daily. Her mother was severely depressed, wasted away on the couch for years, and died from an anurism at 62.
When do you step in? This is going to sound incredibly harsh but... do your parents have to earn that help? My mom has been mentally ill my entire life so I have no idea what she's supposed to act like. I've never had a normal parent, I don't know where to start I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I already told myself that I would never take care of my father but I have no idea what to do with my mother. She's convinced all my family members to pity her but they would never lend her money. She's just acts so pathetic that people feel sorry for her and I don't really know what to do because she's way stronger and better than that. Every time I tried to talk to her about her retirement she just brings up my dad and how he ruined her life, It's almost like she just doesn't want to move forward and only wants to lean on me. She hypnotized by the television too, Even as a child I noticed that my mom would miss appointments and completely destroy vacations ( There rare ones that we were able to have) by getting stuck just watching tv.
Please help me figure out what I am supposed to do with her. I have to remind her to change her diaper so she doesn't smell like piss when I visit. When I visit her it feels like I'm dealing with a toddler... Do you think her brain is deteriorating? How the hell is she still able to do her job?? This doesn't add up and I feel gas lit I don't know how to feel I don't know what to do....

“What defines virtue and how are we to gauge it? An inquiry that reverberates through epochs, its answer as fickle and capricious as the fates of those who deem to ask it. Duty, honor, justice - many over the ages would name these virtues, the conduits through which noble intentions find expression. Yet, as the battlefield of beliefs unfolds, a legion emerges, each as sworn to these principles as to obliterating all who would dare stake alike claim. Thus, battles rage and wars are waged and, in the end, those who are left are no more right than those fell by the blade. Alas, it is the victors whose ideals are etched into monuments for posterity. Except even words chiseled in unyielding stone are fated to fade in time. So is the wicked cycle destined to repeat in all its futility, its ephemeral prize seized again, only to be lost and sought anew. Try and picture, if for but a moment, a world where our rulers paused to reflect on the lessons of yore. They, too, would discern the elixir that enables one to escape the confines of memory—the very burden our fleeting nature forbids us to carry. Progress and evolution. Adaptability and transcendence. Everlasting and yet not stagnant, irrefutable, and yet fluid, these are the only true virtues. Thus, must we ever venture into the uncharted and unfamiliar for only from these unexplored domains may the truly virtuous arise.”
Where: Discord (Video and Voice) + FoundryVTT
When: every Saturday 5 - 9/10 pm GMT+1 (CET), 11 am - 3/4 pm EST
Who: party of 4 players and a DM seeking one extra player
Updates: Recruitment updates will be posted here.
Hello there and well met! If you’ve made it past the flavor text (or skipped it) and through the basic info (hopefully didnt skip past that one) you might very well be at the right address! Without further ado onto the post.

🐲The campaign🐲

Having only just recovered from the Second Sundering and the War of the Silver Marches, the North had been ravaged by a whole new set of tumultuous events - the rise of the Cult of the Dragon and that of the Absolute, the Fall of Eltruel and the short reign of the beholder crime lord Xanathar just some among them. After a brief respite from the twisted and the unnatural the clouds once more begin to gather. Along the Long Road, whole hosts of wild beasts and monsters have been accosting travelers seemingly at random and in the grand metropolis of Waterdeep a sudden rise in crime seems to coincide with strange events passing unnoticed beneath the surface. Amidst all this, in spring of 1493 DR, a party of adventurers delves into a mystery of enchanted gemstones being utilized to nefarious ends by unknown perpetrators all the while navigating the labyrinthine twists of city faction politics.
As implied by the post title, this is an ongoing campaign (we are 12 sessions in at the time of this post). Due to some irl commitments weve recently dropped a player and are looking to replace them.
As the title suggests, this is a roleplay focused mystery/lore driven campaign. Expect an overreaching plot with ample secrets to uncover, conspiracies to unravel and eldritch truths to unearth. The first word of the password is "Doth". On the same level of importance or more important even be that the players preference, there is a variety of subplots to engage with, from small and goofy and random to ones rivaling the main story arc in complexity and variance. Among these, individual character story arcs play a leading role, at times seamlessly intertwined with the current focus of the party, at times separate and independent.
As was already mentioned and is further described below, this is a roleplay focused campaign and a roleplay heavy game. This means that roleplay exists as a unifying concept for all other aspects of the game including exploration, combat, and puzzles. That said DnD is only DnD with all three of its main pillars intact and this campaign is no exception in that regard. I very much enjoy the mechanical side of the game as well besides roleplay and so things like multiphase boss fights and custom magic items are definitely on the table.

🧙‍♂️The DM🧙‍♂️

Hello there, Jay here, 25 yo law student from Central Europe currently working on finishing his master’s degree, trying to stay afloat in the current lease market. I study and work in a law firm by day and DM or play DnD by night (more like evening but night sounded cooler). I have been a big fan of TTRPGs since my early teens and of online DnD for the past five years. I’ve DMed multiple campaigns, finished CoS not least among them and I currently play in a long-term campaign. Before you ask, yes, my schedule is strained but not to the point I am unable to engage with my hobbies.
I would describe my DMing style as driven, realistic, and involved but also very conscious about player agency and collaborative storytelling as core values that make TTRPGs so popular and unique. I spend a lot of time ensuring the worlds I create and the stories I want to tell feel alive. From hand-picked music, to fully voiced NPCs and scenic descriptions designed to breathe life into the campaign setting I daresay my games rival in quality those of the professional DMs that charge for each session.
There is a drawback to this all however. Second word of the password is "thy". I expect a lot from my players as well. Writing a story in DnD is not a one person job. It takes a collective effort of the entire group to create something truly unique, something that one can be proud while looking forward to each session. Unwinding and letting off steam means something else for everyone. For me it means losing myself in the creative process of roleplaying an NPC or describing a scene, watching my players masterfully portray their own characters or having the party derail my plans in an awesome unforeseen and unexpectedly enriching way. If you find yourself in any of what I just described than this may be a game for you. If you don’t, that’s fine. This is definitely not a game for everyone.

🏰The setting🏰

Forgotten Realms is a default setting of Dungeons and Dragons but it is anything but boring and mundane. With now decades worth of lore behind it, it offers an unparalleled opportunity for anyone wanting to build on solid foundations to bring their ideas to life. While it has garnered a lot of attention lately with the release of a certain videogame (more people now know Astarion than a good amount of Hollywood celebrities I’d say) it has had its loyal following even before then, being constantly expanded and living its own life in a host of both online and home games. It’s been a natural choice of mine for a while now and not once have I had any regrets. The third word of the password is "mirror". I feel with how great of a variety of content the Forgotten Realms offer everybody is able to pick something that suits their creative vision. In summary the Forgotten Realms almost feel like a real place with how much worldbuilding has been done with them and offer a diversity of content few other TTRPG settings can boast.
When it comes to setting of the campaign in the world of Faerun I have once again made a somewhat traditional pick and decided to place the onset of the game onto the Sword Coast, more precisely into the city of Waterdeep. If one of the key upsides of Forgotten Realms is diversity of content, Waterdeep is one of the best representations of this. Being the largest settlement on the known Faerun, Waterdeep offers nigh limitless options in terms of main story arc genre, character creation and character backstory implementation. It has everything every large TTRPG settlement ought to have (fickle upper class, enigmatic factions, quaint taverns and extravagant nightclubs, always in bad mood city watch, a castle and a harbor) as well as few pretty original ideas such as colossal definitely not alive statues, a city council where even its members don’t know each other’s identity and a massive dungeon right underneath the city where you can literally fall right from a tavern taproom.
In case you are wondering, while this campagn takes place primarily in the city of Waterdeep itself, there is nothing stopping the players from exploring past the city if they so choose. The final word of the password is "crack?". Different parts of the main plot and various subplots can and will encourage the party to explore Waterdeep environs and sometimes even further.

📃The requirements📃

No exceptions here. Unless otherwise stated, the requirements must be met at the time of application.

• to apply you need to be 20+ yo
• you need a functioning webcam (at the time of application) and a stable internet connection - we will be using both video and voice on discord and as a general rule Wifi doesn’t handle long video calls well (believe me when I say I speak from experience) so cable or other similar form of stable connection is strongly encouraged
• you need a Discord account and you will need a Forge account - Forge is a hosting service for Foundry, don’t worry, you won’t need to input any personal info (besides maybe an email) to register and I will be footing the bill
• you need a PC that can and will run Foundry Virtual Tabletop - check the minimum requirements on the Foundry website, a fair warning, Foundry won’t run on tablets and phones (not that you should consider those in the first place)
• you need at least an elementary knowledge of Dungeons and Dragons 5th edition - when it comes to the awareness of the rules, I won’t be too harsh, but definitely don’t apply if the first time you’ve seen the PHB was a week ago
• you need TTRPG/roleplay experience and/or a very strong roleplay inclination - this is a heavy roleplay game where most if not all ingame talk will be done in character and where you will be expected to voice your character in a way that is distinct from your standard voice
• you will need to be very punctual when it comes to session attendance - I expect my players to attend most if not all sessions, online or not, this campaign is a designed as a longterm commitment and by applying you are acknowledging this, having other hobbies and time-consuming real-life obligations is understandable (I got those too) but those 4-5 hours you will be expected to set aside for the session

🙋‍♂️How to sign up🙋‍♀️

Youve made it all the way to the end of this long post. Congratulations. Or maybe you’ve skipped all the way to the end. In that case I strongly recommended you go back. If not to learn what you are applying for than to make sure you haven’t missed something very important. Now if you are confident that you have what it takes and that this is a game that you could have a lot of fun with, please fill the below attached google questionnaire (if for any strange reason the link doesn’t end up working, please let me know in the comments under this post) and if fortune favors you, I shall get back to you promptly. Best of luck to you and I hope to speak to you soon!
https://forms.gle/5kc4RbwavJPfT8PD9
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PS: As a part of the questionnaire, you will be asked to submit a short piece of your narrative writing in a form of a google doc link (not a custom piece of writing, any relevant past one you have will do). Maybe best have that ready beforehand? On that note, dont apply for the game with a detailed backstory of a character you want to play that you arent willing to adapt to the conditions of the setting/campaign.
PSS: Not to discourage you but if you do make it through the questionnaire and into the second group of applicants you will be asked to do a discord interview with your webcam turned on. I am asking you to go through a lot for a game you might not even end up liking I know, but if you do end up liking it, all this effort will be well worth it as I am sure my other players would agree.