The pain olympicshe pain olimpics

I had an extraction surgury because I went through domestic violence resulting in tooth loss and then tooth decay I got sepsis several.times and absusses frequently my jaw bone shattered in places and my sinuses opened and.closed back up again resulting in me not being able to eat anything or hardly drink due to pain I was on oramorph and naproxine and omiprazole only despite going to the doctors and dentist complaining about not being able to eat they did not help I lost alot of weight ended up with sepsis again and still recieved no help around Feb 2023 I was put on ensure plus 300cal a day intill November 2023 when they put me on 600cal a day despite numerous visits me saying I couldn't eat I was told the nhs was.in crisis and to blend food I can not as I have texture issues noted before my surgury...they said they could save a few of my teeth but that would just mostbprobably lead to more problems down the line so was advised it was my choice but was convinced I would have teeth they made them for me to take with me for reassurance I wouldn't be left like this if I did have them all removed for my own health...they left me starving for months and.months despite them preforming this surgury I'm still on a liquid diet in march I saw a dietitian who gave me fresubin and was.shocked as i was.aroind.48-50kg and 180 cm tall Ive just had my drinks put up by a dietitian to 5 a day last week and currently awaing them.I litrally moved house because I needed support with my children as I had no energy nothing I was litrally kept alive on 300 cal and multivitamins for a whole year basically. I have ptsd and the doctors surgury did not take adequate medical.notes and I'm having to be reassessed.again for all my mental health requirements even though I have proof via sick notes that I do have ptsd sicknotes dated in 2022 from the surgury itself though theres no medical notes...everything I went through is gone and I have to drag it all back up again I'm currently under the.mental health team...I have so much stress going on in my life and I'm having to recieve so much support and I've even had to move house in order to recieve more support whereupon I found my medical notes where.gone...this is.driving me insane and I need answers as why this is happening and has happened to me I thought I could trust the nhs and they were.one of the last professionals I did trust and know this has happened and its breaking me...I'm at the end of my will.begging for help I need this procedure so badly I don't know hoe much more of this I can take

I'm 31. My boyfriend and I broke up a week ago. This feels so much harder than it did in my 20s. Has anyone else felt this way? The shallow dating pool, the fact that all of my friends are getting married or engaged, the ticking of the biological clock. All of this on top of the pain and loneliness I feel from the actual break up. Has anyone else felt this way or have any advice? I'm struggling with the fact that I might not find love again and that there's a good chance I might not get to become a mother.

Hi everyone,
I had all four of my wisdom teeth extracted 10 days ago, and I am now experiencing what I believe is a sinus perforation. I do not have any pain, but I can feel a communication of air between the upper left extraction site and my nose, and when I use the provided irrigation syringe in that spot, the water comes out of my nose. How big of an issue is this? Will it require surgery? I have a follow up appointment scheduled with my surgeon in a few days, but I am anxious in the meantime. I am also supposed to leave to study abroad a week from tomorrow. Will I still be able to go?
To answer the requirements for the forum, I do not drink, smoke, or use any recreational drugs.
Thank you in advance for your help.
Concerned, -Grace

11 years ago my one and only true love and boyfriend of three years slept with my close friend. I loved her and my boyfriend so much and then they both betrayed me. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.
I was only 18 and I ended up physically attacking her and I went to jail for assault. I went totally psycho and I regret it. He still wanted to be with me after that, but I cut contact because I couldn’t bare the emotional pain and also principle. Not because I didn’t love him.
He tried to drive 11 hours to see me at age 20, honestly idk why I agreed to it, but on his way over he fell asleep at the wheel and almost died. He lost the ability to use his arm and was discharged from the military. We stopped talking.
At 21 he showed up to my apartment uninvited, and I turned him away because I still hated him from the betrayal. I said “maybe when we’re 29”, and I have no idea why I said that.
We’re almost both 29. Please give me advice on what to do if he contacts me or what to do if he doesn’t contact me because I don’t think I’ll take that very well either. Please convince me he is not my twin flame. I still hate him, but also love him, and I have never loved anyone else and probably never will. Should I regect him based on principle alone?

Writing this both for insight from those with similar experiences and those who have yet to discover this.
It took me a long time to figure out low fodmap foods that didn’t trigger me in elimination. Prior to starting diet : bloating, brain fog, fatigue were my primary symptoms…
I had seen people post about histamine intolerance but only recently discovered that it can cause bloating and other GI symptoms I have developed while being on the fodmap diet I never had before (stomach pain, acid reflex). It has been so hard to track my symptoms and my reactions to fodmaps during reintroduction ….
I had to take a break from reintroduction for medical reasons and during this time I decided to reintroduce fermented food, I had an intense reaction (brain fog, continued bloating) and realized a bunch of other low fodmap foods I was consuming (low fodmap amount (, lemon, papaya, kiwi, canned sardines, seafood etc) were are high in histamine / histamine liberators… I had eaten an excess of these foods too much too close together and my histamine bucket was full. Looking back it makes sense as to why I would respond weird to certain “low fodmap meals” like olives etc. but only sometimes.
I am now trialing a low histimine/ low fodmap diet and three days in my bloat has been the best it’s been. Looking into MACAS..
Now confused as to if the fodmap foods I was reacting to (chick peas) if these were fodmap reactions or histamine reactions.. going to have to start over again.
Also if your someone who reacts to everythinggg/ relates to this post there is a podcast “ what’s the juice “ ep 13 on MACAS. From my understanding you can have histimine intolerance but not MACAS.
Thought would share- something to look into if you are having trouble tracking your symptom!!

So, I adopted a kitten in October 2023. She is now around nine months old. She doesn’t usually attack me aggressively nor playfully. My feet or ankles are never a target except for the times I go to bed. When I’m not under my blanket, she doesn’t seem to care about my feet, but as soon as I cover myself and stick my feet out, she goes crazy. Even though I don’t move or provoke her or whatever. I’m pretty sure she does that in a playful manner because her bites are not lethal, but still. Shooing her away or locking the door or pretending to scream in pain doesn’t help — I’ve tried that.
I have to cover my legs and feet completely, but the summer is coming and it’s getting harder and harder for me to go to sleep because it’s getting too hot.
What should I do?

I have been in so much pain the last few days and have been absolutely miserable. It’s making me nauseous, it’s spread to my back and is causing some sciatic pain down my leg. I don’t have confirmed endometriosis, I have my first appointment with a specialist in about a month, but I’m pretty certain I have it. I have been gaslit and invalidated by SO many doctors, I’m wondering if it’s even worth it to go to the ER for pain or if I’ll just be invalidated again. Thanks!

My pain and cramping is nearly completely gone. Today I have had cramping once and it was much more bearable. However, my fevers have not stopped. I also feel like the smell has gotten 10x stronger. This is the 4th recurrence that I’ve had in 5 years. The first time the vanco helped nearly instantly but recurred so I did a second round. A few years later I had a recurrence and was given flagyl that didn’t work then vanco. I can’t remember how long it took but it was a little less seamless. Last October I was hospitalized for sepsis due to staph aureus and was on iv vanco along with several others while they identified the exact strain. A few weeks ago I was given antibiotics for a uti that triggered cdiff. I’m worried that ive developed a resistance. How long should I wait for the fever and diarrhea to get any better before worrying about this?

The wiry black tree stood out that snowy January morning like an abysmal blot. Devoid of leaves to indicate life, it managed to stain the cloudy white sky with its presence. It looked down on me as I filled my bright red percolator with grounds and water, a dark always in my peripheral, though I rarely looked directly at it. Its shadowy tendrils followed me for the whole day, through the long rows of dispassionate wood tables and cold white plastic chairs, the cramps in my forearm when I wrote too quickly, and teachers calling out time for students. As soon as another student looked down on their paper, or a teacher turned away, the shadows advanced, licking my face, drowning out my surroundings. The voices of the teachers, the sight of the paper under my pencil, the pain of the hangnails and ripped cuticles on my finger—all faded away. By the time exams had finished, I had been lulled into a haze, a stupor that lured me into deceitful sleep.

Your reflection refracts a million times in between the mirror’s cracks, each piece of glass portraying some dream of you, or, maybe, some memory. Two candles light up the room, one red and one white. Each conveys different light, and each flicker illuminates our skin uniquely. I look at you in the mirror’s shards, each contour of your face accentuated slightly differently. More white light there and shifting shadows hitting at new angles. The red and white candlelight dances on you, caressing your painted white face and red lips a little bit differently in each image. I open my lips to speak. “Do you realize I love the way you look me in my eyes?” As I turn to look at you, I see your eyes are black and your body is rigid. I feel myself falling, slipping away from you. I rush to kiss you before you disappear, but your face falls apart as our lips meet; your skin sloughs and flakes off, and your eyes are still black, like two drops of ink in water, and I can’t hold all of you together. My head jerks out of water. Bright rose petals are scattered on its surface, and dim candles lit on white marble surround me. It seems like I’m in a bathtub. I wipe my face, but warm, thick liquid covers my arms, and I look down to see partially coagulated blood on my hands. It disperses when I rub it off, but as more blood falls, I realize that it’s dripping from my neck. My throat’s cut; raw and filled with some rough, frayed substance. The sharp, smoky smell of sage wafts up to me. Blood from my throat and hands spreads in the bath, and after just moments, all of the water in the bath is tinted red. I move closer to inspect the candles, and I realize that they’re part of a shrine. At its center is a mask; covered in black and white paint, with light peering through its eye and mouth holes. When I reach to examine it, I feel a sharp burning on my back. A candle has melted onto me. I try to wipe it off, but it burns my hand when I touch it. Another candle melts, and another, and another. Red and white wax fills the tub, steaming as the hot wax meets the cool, rose-colored water. At first, the water cools it, but as more pours into the tub, the water begins to heat. I snap up, but sharp, thin claws pull me down. Four emaciated figures are dragging me further down into the boiling water. I open my eyes underwater, and for a brief moment, before the sizzling water sears my eyes closed, I’m able to make out a face—black hair and pale skin, with red cuts all over. I flail and resist, and eventually, I gasp, but as I try to breathe in, boiling water fills my throat and I die. Dancers whirl across the room, encircling the center, rotating this way and the other. My friend tells me I should ask you to dance, but I brush it off. It’s not worth it; I was never much of a dancer. So I just sit there and watch as you and your friends talk, laugh, dance, sing and take pictures. When I’m around you, I see myself through you. Each time you laugh, I want to laugh, and when you smile, I can’t hold mine back. I find myself picking petals from roses when I’m around you too long. We’re so beautiful; your new white dress, and my teary red eyes. I look at you and whisper. “Let's touch the sky, I’ma, I’ma change your life”. For an instant, I see you looking back. You pause, no longer talking to your friends, like we’re frozen together as the crowd buzzes around us. Your eyes get big and your mouth opens like you’re about to say something. Then you turn away, and the crowd consumes you and leaves me behind, and finally, I wake up in a cold sweat. The shadows in the room lengthened, wrapping themselves around me, smothering me and my deferred hopes and indiscretion. The moonlight filled the room, and the trees stared at me, with harsh branch faces chastising me, and I pulled the blanket around me, closer and closer, enveloping as much as it could. For a moment, the whole world turned red and white—red like my face as heat rose from my throat to right behind my cheekbones and eyes, pushing itself higher and higher, threatening to burst out of my skull, and white like the cloudy winter tones that had characterized the sky for weeks at this point. 

After that, everything faded to gray. My red cheeks cooled, and my eyes became sullen, and the white snow that my window peered onto was dirty and impure. I remember when you told me that at the beginning of the book, he’s gray, and then he’s colorful, and then, at the end of the book, he’s gray again. Sometimes you sound like my biographer. But there’s one thing you missed. We never stopped seeing the color, it just became safer for us to hide from the oversaturated reds and whites that burn our eyes, the sounds that sound too loud, and the pretty girls with pale skin and black hair who only kiss us in our nightmares. I stay up the rest of the night with my lights on to beat back any shadowy tendrils that come my way, biting my fingertips and white cuticles until they’re red, bleeding and raw, until I return to my playlist, ready to walk into school tomorrow and pretend I’m alive.

Hi! I’ve been dealing with what I assume is nerve pain in my right foot 4th toe after I broke it in 2016. I’ve had X-rays done on that foot and my GP said “well it’s not bone related so that’s weird that you have pain” and pretty much left it at that. It comes and goes, is particularly strong if the toe box of any given shoe is too tight, and sometimes it cramps up so it kind of sticks out on its own, away from the other toes, up and towards my pinky toe, if that makes any sense.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago and I’m having very similar pain in my left foot, also 4th toe. It doesn’t do the thing where it sticks out and cramps up, but instead it hurts after wearing closed-toed shoes of any kind and also when I first wake up, it will hurt to put weight on it. But I can usually walk it off, especially if I wear open-toed shoes.
I’m very active, run 20-30 miles/week generally, though I haven’t been because of this new left toe pain. I haven’t been to the doctor yet bc I’m expecting her to just say “oh that’s weird” and not much else again. She’s never offered to refer me to a specialist.
I’ve generally been told to wear shoes w/extra arch support because I overpronate pretty severely, but I’ve noticed that the least painful pair of shoes after sandals is a pair of street Nikes with very little heel to toe drop.
I grew up as a competitive figure skater (10+ years) and I’m wondering if all those years smooshing my toes is coming back to haunt me somehow. I’m not really sure what to do. I don’t want surgery if at all possible.
What I’m looking for: home PT-type exercises, shoe recommendations, any other recommendations (topical stuff? Diet? I’m willing to try almost anything at this point) and also what the heck I should ask my doctor when I inevitably go back to see her because the pain is seriously interfering with my lifestyle. Thanks!

So, I’m a 28F I’m obese and I have self harm scars all over my body. I thought it was never gonna happen for me.
But, I met a guy at a bar, and we danced together and I went home with him. I know this isn’t ideal, but… I’ve been wanting this for soooo long!
Now, onto the experience: it was super duper super duper painful! It was as if there was a wall inside of me that wasn’t allowing him to push through.
I’ve heard that it’s not supposed to be painful, but it really was. So.. yeah..
Anyway, because it was painful, I did not enjoy it.
And I just feel like it feels really weird and I could honestly go the rest of my life without having sex again. Ever.

Me and my boyfriend got together near the beginning of this year, and have only been together for around three months. I've had a couple of boyfriends before him, and they were pretty healthy relationships; none of them ever put their hands on me with harmful intent, none of them ever got their heads turned or were disloyal. Just ended due to me moving away for university / moving to another town.
But this one, he does, (kind of?) he has never punched me, or slapped me, never directly hurt me. But he has done some pretty scary things. It started small, the first thing was a shove. A light shove when I was doing my makeup, it meant almost nothing to me. He apologised profusely and said it wouldn't happen again. I'm worrying because, at one point I could list all of the times he touched me in a harmful way. But now only the first instance and the worst instance stick out. It has happened so many times. The worst in my opinion was when I was sick, we were arguing, I was sitting up in bed with an ice lolly to soothe my throat. He grabbed it from me, squished it in his hand and threw it in my face. Then a little later, pulled me out of the bed and onto the floor because 'I wasn't listening to him'. I was just trying to go to sleep as I felt sick, and didn't want to continue the argument.
He always says that his reasoning for grabbing me, grabbing my phone, pulling me out of bed etc. is because I start arguments and never want to continue them. I do see what he means, I bring up something that bothers me and then I get scared when it gets heated, and so I back down, or try to stop talking about it. I realise the 'reassurance' I will get at the end of it isn't worth feeling afraid to get hurt, or pouring my heart out to someone who later will make fun of me with his friends. (I've seen messages of this happening, and now whenever I open up to him I feel so stupid. I struggle through it to communicate for the sake of saving the relationship. I love him, I don't want to start fresh. He is the only thing that makes this town feel like home, can you blame me?)
The main incidents I bring up are: him downloading Tinder and arranging to sleep with someone else after an argument (he responds with, I never went through with it, I thought it was over, even though we were still texting at the time, joking with eachother on good terms in my opinion). I also want to mention that this argument wasn't even an argument. He called me his ex's name and I got hurt, said I needed space and time to heal. My mindset the whole time was 'it will get better, we can get through this' and his seemed to be 'I'm going to sleep with someone else to hurt her'. And it worked. I'm so hurt. Whenever we have sex now I can't concentrate because I worry I'm not enough. I still do have sex with him, but I go to the bathroom or hide in bed and I cry afterwards. I can't get turned on, or wet, sex always hurts me because I just think about how he would throw me away in a heartbeat for a Tinder hookup. I cry when I see myself in the mirror, I used to love how I looked. I was popular in secondary school, sixth form and people tell me I am typically attractive, but nothing can explain the disgust I feel when I see myself now. I hate my hair, my face, my body. It wasn't enough to keep him loyal, to keep him from telling his girl bestfriend all of my family issues, to keep him from mocking me saying 'Did you get hit recently' referring to my bad relationship with my dad. It hurts me so badly, I'm sitting near him now, my eyes are watering and my heart is aching. I hate feeling this way.
But I don't want to leave him. I'm newly estranged, I have almost no friends left because I spend all of my time with him, and I'm just overall really down mentally. I also fear that, because of the Tinder situation, he will move on really quickly and forget all about me. I know he will talk about me in a horrible way with his girl best friend as I've seen these things happen before. I'm terrified, because I do love him a lot, I'm quite attached by this point. I don't want to break up because I'm scared of all of the horrible things he will say to people. People I will never be able to explain my side of the story to, people that see pictures of me and think, 'what a bitch, what an overbearing, exhausting bitch'. He knows so much about me, he knows about my childhood, my entire estrangement process, my family problems, my medical issues, I trusted him. I still trust him. But part of me knows this can't be good. The thought of him with someone else kills me. But I know straight after we break up he will be sleeping around, probably comparing me to these girls he meets. I know I never was his type, he constantly insulted me and my appearance. He told me I have weak hair, he uses 'white girl' as an insult when we argue, and he's said to his friends how he 'wants a Latina'. I know I'm not enough for him, but I know the pain of breaking up will crush me. I'm scared I won't come back from it. I know I won't move on fast, I won't even be able to love anyone for a long time. This is what scares me, if we break up, I feel like I'm losing someone I love, and I'll have to think of him sleeping with other people whilst I sit in my room, crying and listening to our playlist.

There is a phenomenon, in my world, where metal will grow in places of powerful mental resonance. Places like a battlefield, which resonates with violent thoughts and horrible pain, will sprout iron from the bones of long dead and forgotten soldiers. Places like a temple, which resonates with harmony and hope, may see copper veins growing in the wood of the rafters. Places like a pleasure den, which resonates with passion and ecstacy, might be home to gold growths that may occasionally be found on the bedsheets or inside wine glasses.
This growing metal is a rare phenomenon. Few will ever see growing metal, and fewer will know it's benefits. For simply being in contact with this metal will empower the body or mind in some way until the metal grows warm, at which point the magical effects will cease and it will start to deteriorate.
Iron giving unnatural strength and power. Quicksilver giving precision and speed. Gold closing wounds or healing illnesses. (I haven't figured our all the powers yet but you get the idea.)
This effect can only be found in the grown metal, ordinary metal will not due.
But, through the use of auto-hypnotic trances, one may expand their mind to such a degree that they may force these metals to grow nearby. Some are strong enough to even manipulate the metal they summon into being without touching it.
These trances take years to master and time to perform.

I’m a gay man and whenever I search out movies, books, shows, whatever, the second I find there is a straight romance as a pain plot point it I don’t partake in it. Disgusted is the wrong word to describe my emotions towards straight based media, but I just feel uncomfortable and weird when seeing it in some medias. It’s not everything of course, like if it’s a side plot, but if said straight romance is the center I just avoid it. I’ve had friends tell me I’m being a hypocrite and can’t expect people to be ok with media containing gay romance if I don’t like watching media with straight romance. Is this weird? Do other gay people feel the same? Or am I just being sensitive over all this?

Hi everyone!
I am curious if anyone in here has had endometriosis and gotten pregnant and what your experience was with Braxton Hicks?
A little backstory - our baby has a rare tumor and so I am growing a little bigger than what I would usually be because I have baby and tumor both growing in me. I also have a concern of pre-term labor as it runs like the plague in my family (but this is my first pregnancy so unknown if I will experience it).
The doctor told me to be monitoring any contractions, even Braxton Hicks. I *think* that's what I've been having, but whenever I read about it online it says that Braxton Hicks feels like menstrual cramp tightening.
I have a tightening sensation, but it's across where my belly button is and sometimes down low but not often, but it doesn't feel like menstrual cramps to me and I finally realized I think it's because I'm used to endo cramps? So to me I'm like, "Oh my belly is tightening and that's a little uncomfortable/pressure feeling" but it doesn't at all feel like my periods did. I also sometimes have pain in my back which feels like back cramps but also not as bad as when I had my cycle with endo.
I did have ONE sensation of tightening earlier which kind of left me winded and felt more like a "painful" cramp but nothing like that since - but I'm trying to figure out if what I'm feeling is just growing "pains" (sensations more like) from getting bigger quicker or what to even coin this as.
I also am placing a call to my nurse line but was just curious what your experiences were if you have had endo before pregnancy and what pregnancy pains felt like comparatively. For reference, I am 29w+3d today.
TIA!! ♥

Basically, in the future I want to replay the game and use the companions I haven't sticked with during my normal play time, which are Lae'zel, Shadowheart and Wyll. I normally like to pick stuff that makes sense for them, which means grab any subclass for Lae'zel honestly, stick with trickery domain for SH before changing it to Life, and using a melee Wyll.
I can endure SH's worst domain option (Do not understance why Death Domain isn't available in some form given Kelemvor is here) but Wyll seems like a pain.
Pact of the Blade works alright, but it doesn't off set the fact Warlocks only have light armor and no shields. Armor of Agathys and Armor of Shadows can only do so much as well. My question is, how do you build around the fact Wyll is commonly known to use a blade but is a Warlock? Do you ditch the blade and go for Eldritch Blast, or do you make Wyll dip into a FighePaladin/Barbarian to get Medium Armor?
Very unsure on what to do with Wyll's playstyle that would fit in character for him and not ultimately be a pain in the ass to deal with. Warlocks aren't bad, it is just that Wyll chose to go bladelock without having the option to use Medium armor from the get go

Eating sugar brings an incredible wave of euphoria, so intense that it feels like nothing else matters. In those sweet moments, my life gains a newly unlocked sense of depth and meaning. I can look at the world around me and find beauty where I previously found none. The pain and stress I've been carrying around dissipate, leaving me feeling relaxed and at ease. It's as if a heavy burden is lifted, and for the first time in a while, I truly feel like I'm going to be okay. The simple pleasure of sugar makes everything in my life brighter and more bearable.

I had my 2nd bowel resection on Monday. I experienced 2 new things so far that I thought would be good to share with you all. Not to scare anyone, but just make them aware. I had my first and second experience with vasovagaling last night. My bowels aren't waking up from surgery (ileus is what's that called, I learned) and I was finally on the toilet and it happened. It's like I could see, hear, and feel everything but couldn't at the same time. I truly felt like I was dying. I was sweating so profusely that I would've made a person standing outside in a sweater on a hot day look comfortable. My hands and feet felt like they were vibrating. I felt weak like I was going to pass out or implode on myself. So scary. I didn't know it was a thing. Apparently this happens to some people with every bowel movement. Insane to think about.
A couple hours later, I vomited 900mL in seconds and did the vasovagaling again. They rushed in with an NG tube. I've never had one before and was adamant that I didn't want one. I was told earlier in the day if I vomited again I would need one. A sweet nurse who also has Crohn's heard a tube was being placed so she came and sat on my bed and held my hand. (I will forever be grateful for her.) NG tubes hurt so badly to be put in, but I would've done it sooner as good as it made me feel afterwards. It fell out the next morning and we didn't put it back in. I've been okay all day without it, but my pain is back and I'm getting scared again. I just want to say I guess at the end of the day, even though that NG tube fucking sucked, it helped so much.
Sorry my post is all over the place. I do have a question, has anyone successfully overcome ileus and if so, how? I want to go home and sleep in my own bed with my dogs. I've been here for 11 days and counting. I'm desperate to go home.

I am dating someone and I feel like there are a few issues between us. I need an objective opinion on is it really that bad for me to stay or am I just overthinking and overanalysing and being anxious for nothing.
I (24F) started dating (34M) 1 year ago and when I slowly started knowing him he was all good and wonderful. Really polite and available as well as sweet on most occasions. At that time he told me his age is 29, when it was actually 33. It was much later that he told me his age is 33. And that he said 29 because otherwise I would have never talked to him. We are in an LDR which is few hours apart. It has always been me travelling to see him. Earlier he was free but never made plans now he is severely tied at work and family issues so he doesn't have time. We met a few times and over a course of three months he told me sex is very important for him. And he can wait as long as it takes me time to see him again but when we see each other we will have sex. Before this I have never had any sexual experiences and I had always visualised having sex with someone I am very serious about. At that time I was attracted to him and wanted to try it myself so I said yes okay. Although the condition didn't fit right with me because he mentioned if we can't have sex, we can't be together. And I think I should have backed out at that point itself. Because his love for me was conditional. Anyways since I also wanted him I said yes. We met after a few weeks and before that we had a small fight, so I wasn't in the mood for sex and I was very tired. I simply wanted to eat, talk and sleep that night. I simply wanted to settle down a bit. He initiated the makeout sessions and at that point he realized I am not interested in having sex and he said if we can't have sex tonight we have to end things. Stupid me tried to make him understand a bit, but he won't budge. Then I slept, after that I woke up and saw him wide awake, annoyed and sort of like a kid- scornful and whining. I tried to reason with him and he said we can continue this only if I agree to have sex now. After a bit of thought and to bring peace I said yes. Now when we started... it was very painful, I think I was tight because I wasn't really turned on. I stopped him 2 times and he got pissed. After sometime we tried again and it ended. It was painful. And during the whole time he didn't stop because according to him it was supposed to pain a bit and we needed to get over it. He was slow and patient but really stubborn. - I still feel extremely sad about how it went, how he behaved and how I was made to say yes. Even though I had a chance to just leave him but it was a weird situation he won't leave the room, he would sleep next to me and sulk. I didn't really know how big of a deal sex is. At that time I was willing to do it given my mood gets well. But he basically gave me a threat and I succumbed because of my attachment. We did cuddle and slept together the whole night but in retrospect I am not happy about how he behaved with me.
After that, the next day I didn't wanna have sex as I was sore. He said - again you are doing the same drama. We need to get over with this so that it stops paining. So the next day twice we had sex but I wasn't really into it as I was sore. But I had a chance to say no but again I was put under a mental pressure. I really don't want to view it as rape because I also like him and love spending Time with him otherwise. But he made sex so mandatory idk.
After that we met a few more times, if not together, we would talk regularly, share things, he would help me with few of my personal stuff. But he never really comes to see me or did anything for valentine's or my birthday. But it's still alright for me and he is occupied and busy. The few times we have met after having sex it's always just in a hotel room, even though I like the sex but it's just that, cuddling, sleeping. We never hangout anymore. And I feel sad about that personally. Another thing is- he has trust issues. To navigate that he asked for my gmail password, insta password and access to my texts which I gave him. I do not have access to any of his and never have I ever looked into his phone. Anytime any male colleagues interacts with me he asks me 10+ questions. He asked me to cancel a picnic plan because it has boys in it. He doubts me a lot. A few times we have had fights and he has called me- cheap, dumb, plain looking, ordinary, slut ( he heard me laughing with my colleagues I have a very very platonic relationship with), whore (one time he overheard one senior colleague discussing a topic related completely to work), r word as well when he has been really angry one time I cut his call to take an important call from a friend as his mother was ill.
He blocked all my male friends on insta and whatsapp. A few times he has mentioned he liked me only because I seemed loyal and that I am as ugly and one time I said I wanted to watch a horror movie and he said I should look in the mirror jokingly. Most of these were when he gets angry and loses his shit but calms down as well. I do not know whether this is a trauma bond or what.
He doesn't really compliment me. I don't have a very authentic objective opinion but from what I hear from others- they say I am cute, diligent, kind and sharp at work. And many guys give me enough attention at work. So I don't know whether he says these things to make me underconfident or I am not exactly his type otherwise.
A few times we have had fights and he has told me he will block me unless I call him right now. He has also mentioned that there's nothing I can give him and that there are far better, more good looking, more wonderful girls he has dated (all in anger).
One night I slept early and had my phone on silent. He called me 12 times and in the morning accused me of sleeping with someone. I had to explain to him ardously with evidence that I didn't go anywhere. So it's really mentally taxing on me. Even If I go on a walk without informing he doubts me and threatens to actually cheat on me. Obviously he never gave me any of his insta password. On his insta, all his followers are girls (less than 100) and majority of the people he follows are girls (around 250). While he has blocked almost all guts on my insta and blocks any guy who texts me on insta who isn't my colleague and asked me to block my cousin brother I am close with.
Are these reasons enough to leave someone? Recently he mentioned marriage and all this while I had kind of wanted that things will get fixed. But day in and out I think of that day and it feels like what happened was wrong. I did give my consent but I feel like it was better to tell him to leave and I should have just ended things then. Because he gave me an ultimatum over sex. I was below his stubbornness and ego. It has been over a year and I still think of that day.
I have tried to make it work so far because I became really attached and liked him a lot. He's loyal, sweet and a regular communicator otherwise. We had a habit of sleeping on calls and I really liked such a tender side of him. I don't think I will be able to find a decent guy. If we breakup I will probably end up alone for life.
Please be kind in comments. One thing I am absolutely shameful about is the sex. I wanted to be intimate with someone I would settle down in the future. And that's why leaving him feels so painful. I feel used and sort of not good enough in case I meet someone else.