Funny goodbyes
JustUnsubbed: ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱᴛʀᴀᴡ
2014.11.01 07:06 FuckinHomerunChippah JustUnsubbed: ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴀꜱᴛ ꜱᴛʀᴀᴡ
This sub is for sharing what made you unsubscribe from a subreddit, or from other sites occasionally. A safe space for people to vent.
2012.11.06 19:38 KindaFunny.com
KindaFunny.com is four (sometimes five) best friends talking video games and all things nerd culture on YouTube, Twitch, and Patreon. Home of the KindaFunny Podcast, KindaFunny Gamescast, KindaFunny Games Daily, and more!
2012.10.10 13:01 BionicBeans 196: Apartment of awesome
If you visit this subreddit, you must post before you leave.
2024.05.19 10:05 ggwplucky [Abandoned Pools] Sony Connect Track by Track Interview
![[Abandoned Pools] Sony Connect Track by Track Interview](https://b.thumbs.redditmedia.com/Wh_F6hlvj3-qiM2-gJFE7A7mKUd6-BFPlteTdOzhJWY.jpg "[Abandoned Pools] Sony Connect Track by Track Interview") | A while back I was messing around with the Wayback Machine & came across this diamond in the rough on AP's MySpace page. Also found some photos, but most importantly, a track-by-track [Armed To The Teeth] interview from Sony Connect that they did back in '05 (presumably around the same time they did the Sony Connect set with the acoustic songs). submitted by ggwplucky to AbandonedPools [link] [comments] In the interview, Tommy tells the story behind each track on Armed To The Teeth (except Lucky). You'll also find tidbits about the process, lyrically & sonically of these songs, and much more! If you want to read it/see it from the "raw" source and discover more, here's a link with the Wayback's capture I found on the interview blog: https://web.archive.org/web/20071005015435/http://www.myspace.com/abandonedpools Now without further ado, the Sonic Connect Interview: A track by track discussion of Armed to the Teeth from the Sony Connect Store interview: LETHAL KILLERS TW: As far as how that [demo of the] song was constructed ... I did this trick where I would take a half-time drum loop and sort of nudge it one way and then put in another track and nudge it the other, and we got this sort of double time, rolling drum feel. So that - plus the sort of round-robin type of guitar parts that we have going - was sort of a very easy construction for a song. And then you start moving the bass part around, and, boom, you've got a song. But I think that lyrically - I want to make it clear that that song isn't necessarily [about] "church is bad, government's bad." I think it's a little bit more complicated than that, though sometimes if you mix the two of religious power and government power, that can be bad for both of them. And I kinda like the idea of not living a life saying, "Well, you better live life in a certain way because then, you know, everything's gonna be great later in heaven." You know, the idea of, like, if this is all we have now, if that idea was just a little bit more embraced, our world could be a little bit better. I just find that a little bit more satisfying, too, if you think like, this is all you have and then you're gonna die. [Laughs] It seems a little bit more like, "Oh, okay, well!" instead of, like, thinking that there's some other life at some other time and you can put things off. RABBLE TW: Well, a lot of the songs on this record - about two-thirds of it - have to do with a relationship I had that went south, and you know when you go through relationships you always have such a good 20/20 hindsight about things. And I think "Rabble" is just trying to basically say to somebody, "I just wanted to know you better" . . . It's just one of those things where, with this relationship in particular, I wish it would have turned out better. And there's a lot of things that happened that shouldn't have happened, and it's just sort of one of those "oh, what could have been?" scenarios. THE CATALYST TW: "The Catalyst" is definitely along the same lines. I think the main line in that one is "I wish I could say something beautiful to make you fall in love again." There's a Coachella reference in there, too: "Love has slowly faded away like spotlights shining into space." Have you ever been to Coachella? Of course you have. You know, there's all those spotlights that shoot up in the air. I just thought that was kinda cool, like, how far do those lights really go? "The Catalyst" was also the last song written for the record. It was demoed while we were in the studio. And it's one of those songs that I said two-thirds of the record was written for somebody. That's one of them. TIGHTER NOOSE TW: "Tighter Noose" is the oldest song on the record by far. It was probably written back in '99, 2000, or somewhere in there. I was thinking about it for the first record [2001's Humanistic], but it didn't really fit in with those kind of songs, so I kept it around and we'd even play it live occasionally. I think it fits in with these songs way better. [As for what "Tighter Noose" is about,] that song is one of those breaking-off-on-your-own- what-have-you-got-to-lose kind of things, because that was written sort of in the wake of when I was in The Eels. It wasn't a terribly happy situation, so I was like, well screw it, I'm just gonna go off and do my own thing. And then it's sort of like, well, you know: "I'm gonna go start my own thing. Uh, I have to learn to sing and write songs now." [Laughs] It's kinda funny: "Screw you guys! I'm gonna go get a deal!" And then like, "Uh oh." But really, I'm a firm believer in that [idea that] you just gotta go for it. And so it was like, well, this is gonna be difficult, but it's gonna be better than what I had before. And actually, with some distance on that situation, I realized I made the right decision and made a lot more money and was a lot more happy as a result. So that was sort of a leap of faith, you know. I didn't want to be someone's stupid bass player. Now I'm my own stupid bass player. WAITING TO PANIC TW: There was a lull between record companies. The first record [Humanistic] was on Extasy - I don't know if you know about that company, but we were basically the poster-child for the implosion of an indie label. I came off the road in 2002, the label's folding, and I'm like, well, I'm just gonna go back and give this my best shot and we'll get another deal. It seemed highly unlikely, but we ended up doing it. And there was just a lull in there where nobody was interested. I had attorneys not returning my phone calls - that kinda stuff. It felt like, I'm just waiting around and I'm really anxious. So that was a song of frustration that was written and demoed all in one day - it was a song that just came out of me in like eight hours. We also put an EP out [The Reverb EP] and on the EP is the version of that demo that I did in one day. It doesn't happen [like that] very often. Usually I build bed tracks and come back to it a few weeks later and add something, and then come back a couple of days later. This one was all in one shot. HUNTING TW: My friend Ross Golan, who has his own band Ross Golan and Molehead, had been following the wake of the relationship. He's like, "You just gotta write her a song and use her name." And I'm like, nah, nah, it's not covered enough. And he's like, "No, just do it. Go for it." So I did. I wrote this song and I wrote it for her for her birthday and I used her name, which is in the first lyric of the song, which is "Ginny." So I just went for it and wrote it. It was basically a birthday gift, and it was basically saying, like, you know, "Oops!" [Laughs] It didn't get me very far, but I like the song. We're friends, she's a good girl, absolutely, but back at that time, it was kinda like, "Erraaghhh! Here's a song!" But I like the song and I just think it was one of those times where I was really putting myself out there, and I know she liked it, too. But then, I think that's a myth where you just write a song and all of a sudden the girl just says, "Oh! Okay!" But, you know, hey. There it is. It's on the record. That's the romantic notion of how they'll react to the song, at least. TW: Exactly. And I'm really glad we're past that whole ironic phase, which I was part of with The Eels, where everything was super ironic and we'd play "The Macarena" on stage - [sarcastically] and that was funny! I'm glad we're through all that stuff, even though I was still a Beck fan when he was doing all that stuff, too. But I like being sincere and sappy and romantic. I kinda think that's a great thing. ARMED TO THE TEETH TW: This is one of the first songs written when we came off the road and I had a lot of momentum. If you look at the state of the industry you can see a lot of corporations that seem to have to buy everything in sight. They just have to own everything, and to what purpose? Does it really make the industry much better? No. There's fewer outlets, there's a lot more gatekeepers. They want to buy stuff and it just kinda makes things bad for everybody. All the radio stations play the same shit - except for Indie 103.1 and KCRW in L.A. In spite of it all, I'm just gonna try to do my best and have a career anyway. When we came off the road I felt like I had a lot of momentum. Performing live is inspiring to writing, so it was just the whole idea of, "Alright, now that I have one record under my belt, I'm gonna really go for it in spite of all the forces that be." Even though they're pretty much indifferent to us, [laughs] their actions do affect us. It's sort of a song of bravado. Why did you also choose "Armed To The Teeth" as the name of the album, too, which, in turn, implies it as the overall theme? TW: Yeah, which is funny, since I kinda decided on that theme early on, thinking I was gonna go in a certain way, but then, like I said, two-thirds of the record is love songs. So "Armed To The Teeth" doesn't really fit in a certain way, but I also liked it just because [of] that idea of, like, now I'm really ready to make a record, and also I think it reflects the state of the country a little bit. Everything's a little bit aggressive, we're at war, and I thought it was sort of timely in that way SOONER OR LATER TW: "Sooner Or Later" is another one of those tracks that was written after we got signed, so it's a newer song. I mentioned that sort of double time drum loop thing with "Lethal Killers" - this is the same thing. It's a half time drum loop that I nudged in one direction and then put in another track and nudge it in the other, then "boom," it's double time. And I like that, it's a good effect. It really sets up this kind of overlapping, rolling sound that a real drummer can't do. And things flam a little bit, and I really like that feel, so this song was constructed in the same manner where you have a rolling drum loop and then you put over a couple of guitar parts here and there and all of a sudden you got a song - I think this song is over six minutes. This is, um, I guess it's a couple things. Lyrically, it's sort of saying, like, whatever you do or whatever you say, there's no point in hiding anything because it all comes out in the end - which is the tagline in the chorus. There's no hiding. And in the verse it says, "Sooner or later / It's all coming down." In some way or another, whether you acknowledge it or if it just eats at your self, you can't really get away with anything. It's sort of fatalistic that way, but also in terms of, like, seeing how I also look at as a bigger picture of, like, politically, and since we're at war right now, it seems like things are getting a little scary. And that's kind of like one of those doomsday scenarios. If you look around a little you can really freak yourself out if you're reading about, like, bio-warfare and things like that. So a lot of this talk about "smoking gun in the shape of a mushroom cloud" and all that, it sort of brought up for me a lot of doomsday scenarios. So it's two-fold: it's that doomsday scenario, in terms of as far as the world is concerned, and then, personally, if you do stupid shit then you're eventually gonna pay for it somehow. SAILING SEAS TW: Like "Hunting," this is probably the most direct, out-there storytelling song. Instead of using her [real] name, it's switched to "Holly," which is in the chorus. So it's another one of those songs talking straight to somebody. And there's a lot of details in there that I wouldn't talk about in normal conversation. That's the funny thing about songwriting where I wouldn't talk about this, but then I can put it in this song and you can still hear it and you still understand, but it's sort of masked a little bit. It's presented in a certain way where it's somehow okay to say that when you're in a major key or something. Because like, the second verse is about pretending you're outside a room listening to somebody [you love] have sex [with someone else], and that's a situation to put yourself into to really torture yourself. I created this scenario in my head and I put it in a song, and it's kinda brutal, but the [beat of the] song is upbeat and happy. RENEGADE TW: This is a sample-based type song [with] drum loops. The cello was originally a Bjork sample and we replaced it. This one is sort of hard to explain. To me it’s just sort of like just a creation, because some of the record is social commentary, and I think there's a lot of that in this song, and it's like little snippets and ideas, and not necessarily one unifying idea. I think it's just kind of a song based on looking around and taking stock of things. This song in particular isn't really even about anything. It's just, like, observations, pretty much. And, oh, by the way, Billy Howerdel, the guitarist from A Perfect Circle, is playing guitar on that song. He jumped on that track and he's the one that makes it sound scary. MAYBE THEN SOMEDAY TW: That was one of the first songs written in the wake of the breakup. It was one of those kind of "well-it-just-didn't-work-out-but-maybe-one-day-we'll-see-what-happens" kind of things. Because the circumstances are such that it wasn't gonna happen immediately so I was kinda like, well, we'll see. I don't have much to say about that; it's just grouped in with "songs about her." GOODBYE SONG TW: That was also written when there was not a lot going on for me and we hadn't really nailed down the record deal. She [Tommy's ex-girlfriend] always thought she was bad luck - she'd show up and bad things would start happening - so she thought it was her fault that I hadn't got a deal. She actually moved away and soon as she did, we got a deal. [Laughs] I think it's funny to sort of say, like the first line of the song is "I'm not washed up / And you're not bad luck for anyone," so, you know, get off the ledge, really. And it's just one of those things; it's one of those yearning songs. I think with a lot of those songs there's a certain amount of effort spent on presenting evidence, like, "Look, I know this is how you feel, but look at all the other stuff." It's almost like making a case for your self [in a song]. And like I said, it didn't get me far, but it's still a good venting process. And I sort of realize when I say things like, "I wrote this for her" or whatever, it's not really for her. It's more self-indulgent to get this stuff out. And in a way you're saying, "Yeah, I wrote this song for you," but no, you wrote it for yourself so you could say things that you felt like saying. So I realize that and I think I realized that while I was writing them, but my job is to write songs so you take from what's around you to make it happen. |
2024.05.19 05:16 Cupcake112014 Analyzing 2000s Strawberry Shortcake: Horse of a Different Color
This is a bit late (even though I'm not on an official schedule). Thanks for your patience. Spoilers ahead, so proceed at your own risk
We open with Honey Pie Pony seeing her human friends playing on one of Orange Blossom's tree. They invite her to join, but, given that she's a horse, she can't climb the tree. The humans try to help her, but that also doesn't work, so Honey leaves. We're also introduced to this bee named Honey Doodle, which I'm not sure if we see him in another episode. Later, Honey sees the humans riding bikes. The humans show her how to ride, but she isn't able to slow down or stop, so she crashes. Strawberry and crew realize that they've been playing human-oriented games, so they offer to do what Honey wants to do. She suggests that they jump over fences. The humans quickly realized that they couldn't jump over that fence the way Honey just did. I wish that the humans had at least tried to do it, since Honey had attempted their activities. Honey is convinced that she doesn't belong in Strawberryland and the humans can't convince her otherwise. The humans convene at Strawberry's house and make a plan to find another horse for Honey to hang out with. They tell Honey that they're going to find some friends for her, and that's where Strawberry says the recurring line about what friendship is all about. Also, there's the random moment where Huck puts his hat on Honey, and then Strawberry immediately puts it back on him (the Struckleberry shippers are quaking rn). According to Ginger, the humans traversed all over Strawberryland looking for horses (which begs the questions of how big Strawberryland really is and how long these kids were searching), but they couldn't find any other horses. That leads into Honey's musical number about Ice Cream Island, where a bunch of horses live. The humans follow Honey to Ice Cream Island. The bridge they need to take is very old and unsafe. The humans are able to get across one at a time, but Honey nearly falls through. The humans band together to help her up. We finally get to ICI, where there are plenty of horses, although none of them are capable of human speech. I would have liked to see some inner turmoil related to Honey not fully fitting into either group, but oh well. The humans realize they have to get home and take care of their pets. Honey doesn't want to leave ICI, which makes the humans really sad. On the raft ride, they reminisce on how great Honey was. When they get back to the bridge, instead of going one at a time, they all get to the center of the bride at once, and then a fallen tree passes through and breaks the bridge. The humans are all standing on a broken piece, which falls into the water and sends them into the current. They approach a waterfall, and the only thing that stopped them was a patch of rocks. Meanwhile, Honey reminisces on her human friends, and realizes she can't just leave them behind (it's a pretty quick realization which isn't totally realistic, but this is a common thing in this show). She finds her friends still stuck and about to fall in. Honey sees some rocks (which I don't remember seeing in previous shots), and she gets the idea to jump to them. I gotta mention that Huck's sass is pretty funny here. Anyway, despite all odds, Honey's plan works (although we never see Huck getting on her back to jump off. Also, the way this river flows is extremely confusing, since when the tree hit the bridge, it sent the humans in the opposite direction, but then in this scene, that tree heads towards them). Then, we get the second musical number, where they celebrate being "back together," even though everyone walks home and says goodbye. The last shot is Strawberry riding on Honey's back, and it hammers the message of the episode, which is that friends can be different in many ways and still love each other. Aside from the critiques I gave, this is a pretty solid episode. The message is wholesome and leaves me satisfied.
Comment your thoughts below!
submitted by Cupcake112014 to StrawberryShortcake [link] [comments]
We open with Honey Pie Pony seeing her human friends playing on one of Orange Blossom's tree. They invite her to join, but, given that she's a horse, she can't climb the tree. The humans try to help her, but that also doesn't work, so Honey leaves. We're also introduced to this bee named Honey Doodle, which I'm not sure if we see him in another episode. Later, Honey sees the humans riding bikes. The humans show her how to ride, but she isn't able to slow down or stop, so she crashes. Strawberry and crew realize that they've been playing human-oriented games, so they offer to do what Honey wants to do. She suggests that they jump over fences. The humans quickly realized that they couldn't jump over that fence the way Honey just did. I wish that the humans had at least tried to do it, since Honey had attempted their activities. Honey is convinced that she doesn't belong in Strawberryland and the humans can't convince her otherwise. The humans convene at Strawberry's house and make a plan to find another horse for Honey to hang out with. They tell Honey that they're going to find some friends for her, and that's where Strawberry says the recurring line about what friendship is all about. Also, there's the random moment where Huck puts his hat on Honey, and then Strawberry immediately puts it back on him (the Struckleberry shippers are quaking rn). According to Ginger, the humans traversed all over Strawberryland looking for horses (which begs the questions of how big Strawberryland really is and how long these kids were searching), but they couldn't find any other horses. That leads into Honey's musical number about Ice Cream Island, where a bunch of horses live. The humans follow Honey to Ice Cream Island. The bridge they need to take is very old and unsafe. The humans are able to get across one at a time, but Honey nearly falls through. The humans band together to help her up. We finally get to ICI, where there are plenty of horses, although none of them are capable of human speech. I would have liked to see some inner turmoil related to Honey not fully fitting into either group, but oh well. The humans realize they have to get home and take care of their pets. Honey doesn't want to leave ICI, which makes the humans really sad. On the raft ride, they reminisce on how great Honey was. When they get back to the bridge, instead of going one at a time, they all get to the center of the bride at once, and then a fallen tree passes through and breaks the bridge. The humans are all standing on a broken piece, which falls into the water and sends them into the current. They approach a waterfall, and the only thing that stopped them was a patch of rocks. Meanwhile, Honey reminisces on her human friends, and realizes she can't just leave them behind (it's a pretty quick realization which isn't totally realistic, but this is a common thing in this show). She finds her friends still stuck and about to fall in. Honey sees some rocks (which I don't remember seeing in previous shots), and she gets the idea to jump to them. I gotta mention that Huck's sass is pretty funny here. Anyway, despite all odds, Honey's plan works (although we never see Huck getting on her back to jump off. Also, the way this river flows is extremely confusing, since when the tree hit the bridge, it sent the humans in the opposite direction, but then in this scene, that tree heads towards them). Then, we get the second musical number, where they celebrate being "back together," even though everyone walks home and says goodbye. The last shot is Strawberry riding on Honey's back, and it hammers the message of the episode, which is that friends can be different in many ways and still love each other. Aside from the critiques I gave, this is a pretty solid episode. The message is wholesome and leaves me satisfied.
Comment your thoughts below!
2024.05.19 04:17 No-Weakness-6416 (Advice) First date feedback
Hi everyone, I'm looking for your advice (sorry for the large text)
Just went on date with a girl (we are both around 30yo) I matched and been texting with for 2 weeks. She's looking for something casual with a connection (no HU or LTR) and I'm on the same mood.
Texting is good, she replies and is interested on keeping the conversation alive from the beginning so I decided to give her a chance. We texted for a few days, she laughs a lot at my jokes and after a moment I was slowly engaging for the option of meeting her, which she seems very interested. I also tried to check if she liked flirtatious talk, doesn't seem like it so I never forced it.
I'm a really busy guy and focusing on myself now, so I asked her out the second Saturday night after we match. I decided to take her out for some pool table at a bar, she liked the idea. I also told her that because of my job and the stress that comes with it, I had a health issue and because of that I need to shave my head now. I told her in a funny way and she doesn't seem to care much, so I was reassured. We were also already joking about a second date, so to say.
Here is how the date went:
We first decided to meet for a little walk around the bay, we walked like 30min, talking like we talked by messages and I felt like she was interested in me.
She's a 3Xyo woman studying and working here, but knows that she wants to go back to her country (that is why she doesn't want an LTR). I'm also here only for a few months so I perfectly understand her point of view. Very elegant, chill, classy, but with a mindset of woman that needs to feel independent (no problem for me)
After the walk, I asked her if she wanted to go to the bar or wanted to eat some food if she was hungry. She proposed to go to a restaurant that sells food from her culture and I thought it was really cute.
At the restaurant, we talked like 2 hours (60% me 40% her). During the discussion, I felt like she was very not into the small talk. Everytime I talked about basic subjects, she laughed a lot, but I could see that her non verbal was very closed, hands crossed, etc.. So I decided to focus on things that were more intellectual like philosophy, her feelings about the world, how does she would like to do things if she could and of course I talked about my professional life which I have a lot to say (I was a doctor student and I'm now an entrepreneur working online).
From that moment, she changed completely. Her non verbal was as open as possible, she kept replying fast, 100% eye contact, she almost never blinked I think (scary), so I think we both enjoyed that type of conversation.
We stayed until the restaurant closed and she insisted to split the bill because, as we talked earlier, she likes when the guy offers but she prefers to keep an independent attitude and pay for her things (Not a red flag for me as that's what she referred also before we met). No worries for me on that subject.
11PM, gentleman, I ask her if she would like to have a drink or maybe I accompany to her home safely if she was tired. She said it was late for a drink, but would enjoy that we just buy a bottle of water (we both don't really drink alcohol) and just find a spot and continue the conversation.
And this was my clue, I think, to ask her about how she would like to pursue our meeting. But stupidly, I was so into offering her the most enjoyable conversation ever that I didn't even go upfront with her about what she feels, if she likes me, if she would be interested in going further and I'm really facepalming myself right now. However, the conversation lasted up to midnight and offered her to walk her home as she felt she was getting tired.
She offered me to accompany her in between so that I could grab a cab easier on the main street. I do believe she's keeping herself safe by not showing me where she lives (green flag in my opinion). But I feel like it was also a clue for me. Like why ask me to accompany her closer to her home if it wasn't to show that she waited for me to be upfront again, but no, I was stupid enough to do nothing.
In the end, I take my cab, I kiss her goodbye and tells her that it was nice meeting her.
Conclusion: I feel like the date went 90% great, and absolutely, utterly failed like a dumbass the 10% most important part that is to show her that I really liked our meeting and might be interested in seeing her again or even ask if she enjoyed the date and would consider a second one. I'm still a bit ashamed of my new bald look and gets a bit nervous sometimes because I feel way less attractive that when I had a full head of hair. Plus, I think she doesn't like me to be too much flirtatious so it cock blocked me a bit as I tend to be more upfront with these things and don't wanted to screw up.
I truly believe everything I said earlier is pretty accurate and not fooling myself. So my questions now are:
submitted by No-Weakness-6416 to Bumble [link] [comments]
Just went on date with a girl (we are both around 30yo) I matched and been texting with for 2 weeks. She's looking for something casual with a connection (no HU or LTR) and I'm on the same mood.
Texting is good, she replies and is interested on keeping the conversation alive from the beginning so I decided to give her a chance. We texted for a few days, she laughs a lot at my jokes and after a moment I was slowly engaging for the option of meeting her, which she seems very interested. I also tried to check if she liked flirtatious talk, doesn't seem like it so I never forced it.
I'm a really busy guy and focusing on myself now, so I asked her out the second Saturday night after we match. I decided to take her out for some pool table at a bar, she liked the idea. I also told her that because of my job and the stress that comes with it, I had a health issue and because of that I need to shave my head now. I told her in a funny way and she doesn't seem to care much, so I was reassured. We were also already joking about a second date, so to say.
Here is how the date went:
We first decided to meet for a little walk around the bay, we walked like 30min, talking like we talked by messages and I felt like she was interested in me.
She's a 3Xyo woman studying and working here, but knows that she wants to go back to her country (that is why she doesn't want an LTR). I'm also here only for a few months so I perfectly understand her point of view. Very elegant, chill, classy, but with a mindset of woman that needs to feel independent (no problem for me)
After the walk, I asked her if she wanted to go to the bar or wanted to eat some food if she was hungry. She proposed to go to a restaurant that sells food from her culture and I thought it was really cute.
At the restaurant, we talked like 2 hours (60% me 40% her). During the discussion, I felt like she was very not into the small talk. Everytime I talked about basic subjects, she laughed a lot, but I could see that her non verbal was very closed, hands crossed, etc.. So I decided to focus on things that were more intellectual like philosophy, her feelings about the world, how does she would like to do things if she could and of course I talked about my professional life which I have a lot to say (I was a doctor student and I'm now an entrepreneur working online).
From that moment, she changed completely. Her non verbal was as open as possible, she kept replying fast, 100% eye contact, she almost never blinked I think (scary), so I think we both enjoyed that type of conversation.
We stayed until the restaurant closed and she insisted to split the bill because, as we talked earlier, she likes when the guy offers but she prefers to keep an independent attitude and pay for her things (Not a red flag for me as that's what she referred also before we met). No worries for me on that subject.
11PM, gentleman, I ask her if she would like to have a drink or maybe I accompany to her home safely if she was tired. She said it was late for a drink, but would enjoy that we just buy a bottle of water (we both don't really drink alcohol) and just find a spot and continue the conversation.
And this was my clue, I think, to ask her about how she would like to pursue our meeting. But stupidly, I was so into offering her the most enjoyable conversation ever that I didn't even go upfront with her about what she feels, if she likes me, if she would be interested in going further and I'm really facepalming myself right now. However, the conversation lasted up to midnight and offered her to walk her home as she felt she was getting tired.
She offered me to accompany her in between so that I could grab a cab easier on the main street. I do believe she's keeping herself safe by not showing me where she lives (green flag in my opinion). But I feel like it was also a clue for me. Like why ask me to accompany her closer to her home if it wasn't to show that she waited for me to be upfront again, but no, I was stupid enough to do nothing.
In the end, I take my cab, I kiss her goodbye and tells her that it was nice meeting her.
Conclusion: I feel like the date went 90% great, and absolutely, utterly failed like a dumbass the 10% most important part that is to show her that I really liked our meeting and might be interested in seeing her again or even ask if she enjoyed the date and would consider a second one. I'm still a bit ashamed of my new bald look and gets a bit nervous sometimes because I feel way less attractive that when I had a full head of hair. Plus, I think she doesn't like me to be too much flirtatious so it cock blocked me a bit as I tend to be more upfront with these things and don't wanted to screw up.
I truly believe everything I said earlier is pretty accurate and not fooling myself. So my questions now are:
- Taking in consideration my feedback, do you think she's interested? (staying to restaurant closure + offering to continue the conversation outside in a sitting spot together are big green signals for me)
- How do I manage to fix the last 10% if they can still be saved? On second thoughts, maybe it's good because she knows I'm very busy and like to take things slow to be 100% true to my words and thoughts. But it may bad to wait too much time to reply to her.
- Is it a good idea for you to reply directly tomorrow, like 1-2pm, or maybe a bit later? I know it's a lot of overthinking but I truly think it will be disrespectful to wait more than 24h to tell her a feedback about our date and seek her point of view as well.
2024.05.19 04:12 pizzapillowfort FMH Master Doc
The moment a lot of you have been waiting for is here!
A couple of notes before you read (or after because I would just jump into the list right away too)
Mentioned on Tiktok and on the pod once
Myspace Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok
Third Boyfriend
Met on eCrush.com in 2002 and this was mentioned on the Cracked Up podcast, The Dave Glaser Podcast and Tiktok
The Kiwi
Met on a 2 week Model UN type youth trip in high school when Ali was 15, never a boyfriend but she had a huge crush on him, he tried to kiss Ali and she literally ran away, didn’t talk the rest of the trip but exchanged numbers and screen names (Ali’s was FineGal13 or BeachJewel760), she made him a mixtape cd called “Ali’s really cool mix for The Kiwi” but never sent it and she still has it. In 2021, he DM’d her when she posted photos of her and her mom in France and invites her to visit him in London, she says she can’t but says they should catch up if he comes to NYC
Fourth Boyfriend
Met on OkCupid when you had to use it on the computer, this was mentioned on Tiktok
The Homecoming Date or Light Switch
First boyfriend? (she goes back and forth calling him her first bf or a situationship), a family friend, a month younger than Ali, dated in high school but went to different high schools, football player, made him ask her to her Homecoming dance over email (her words), Ali hid in the bathroom the whole Homecoming dance, 3-4 revisits of this situations as adults, saw him on Bumble a few years ago and texted him that he had a typo in his bio, “he very much wanted to be with me” and now he’s married with a kid. His mom is still “obsessed” with Ali and she listens to FMH
Random college guy
Freshman year of college, Ali doesn’t have a nickname for him/doesn’t remember his real name, met this guy through a friend, was texting him to invite him over to hot tub but her phone autocorrected to “how about some hot rubbing tonight?” but Ali didn’t noticed/didn’t correct it and he never replied, Ali had a house party and got really drunk and was all over him, he left the party early, she messaged him on MySpace 3-4 times asking why he left
The Resident
Matched on Match.com, first guy she dated in NYC after college, older than Ali, a doctor, lasted 3 months ”maybe”, he didn’t like Ali’s friends, got a card from him on her birthday and it said “Love, The Resident” and it took Ali back a little, Ali drinks black coffee because of him, he coordinated having her mom visit NYC for her birthday then he broke up with her a week later
The Ghost
Met at a bar when she was 25, turns out they matched on OkCupid and they already had a date scheduled next week, they dated for 6-8 weeks, had sleepovers, “The worst ghosting experience I’ve ever had”, he borrowed The Great Gatsby from Ali’s roommate, planned to make dinner together after a beach trip in August with her friends and never showed up, Ali is blowing up his phone and gets no reply, two weeks later she finally texts “are you alive? check yes or no” and he responds “Yes”, Ali then ask if he could return the book and gets no reply again, 5 months go by and she receives the book in the mail with the note: “Here’s the book back. Sorry. P.S. sorry about last summer. I was in a bad place. You’re a great person and your salmon is amazing”, since then she has ran into him twice on the streets and matched with him on Bumble
The Coach/Mr. Adorable
First serious boyfriend at 26/27 in 2013, matched on Match.com or met through work depending if you’re listening to the pod or reading her OG blog, clean-cut look, played volleyball, Ali invited him to a friend’s birthday party and they made out in the streets at 4am, on their second date he asked Ali if she was seeing any one and when Ali said no he ask her to be his girlfriend 3 days after their first date, dated for almost 1.5 years or almost 2 years depending on if you’re listening to the pod or the Patreon, first time saying “I love you” to a guy, “lovely guy“, never would posted Ali on his instagram until Ali said something, he “lived” with her for two weeks while he was in between apartments, tried blind folding/hair pulling during sex and she didn’t like it, by the end of their relationship Ali didn’t like sex and thought she wasn’t a very sexual person, after they broke up Ali drunk texted him at 2am and he picked her up and she spent the night and she took her things in the morning in a rolly suitcase, from her blog in 2015: “I just want to be careful I don’t end up with another Mr. Adorable situation, where I find myself dating my platonic best friend”, had drinks with him in 2016 from the blog: “Not in a romantic way (at least on my end)”, Ali still talks to him sometimes through casual instagram DMs, he’s currently (as of 2021) dating someone for 4+ years and Ali thinks they’re going to get engaged
Trouble
OG 2015 FMH blog, never mentioned on the pod, “I was immediately enamored with him”, met at a Beer Olympic party but he worked with one of Ali’s best friends (Ali was still dating The Coach at the time), lived in BK, tattoos and stubble, Ali’s best friend said he was a “fuck boy”, “he very much made me see that it was the right thing for me and The Coach to not be together”, from her blog in 2015: “he has this look in his eye like he’s constantly laughing at me – in a super sexy way”, he texted her saying he didn’t see anything romantically with her and she sent a gif of someone shrugging
Personal side note: Ali has mentioned she has cheated on someone but never disclosed who she cheated on or with. I feel like she cheated on Mr.A/The Coach with Trouble because of the timeline. Just a guess.
Waffles
Matched on Bumble, OG 2015 FMH blog, he asked Ali fuck/marry/kill breakfast foods, dated 2 months around summer time, on Fourth of July while watching fireworks he said how they had a great day and Ali replied with something along the lines with “yeah, it would be better if I could call you my boyfriend”, he said he wanted a relationship but just not with Ali and shortly afterwards they stopped seeing each other
The Buffalo
Lived in Buffalo NY, 6’5, Scorpio, met in 2015 at Adults National volleyball (Ali’s team won that year) where he was heckling her while she was playing, asks Ali’s mom for her number and Ali’s mom said “I guess you’re tall enough” and told him to ask her himself, he flew her out and she met his parents, dated over summer, exclusive but never boyfriend/girlfriend (but called him her LD boyfriend on TikTok), texted and talked on the phone a lot, Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “they had really good banter”, in October he invited her to his cousins wedding and she invited him to her friends wedding, after Ali bought her ticket to his cousins wedding (with the promise he would buy her ticket to her friend’s wedding) he ghosted and stonewalled her, she “poured her heart out to him on voicemail” and he never replied, she asked him to pay her back for her ticket and he got mad that she “made this about money”, 2 years later he told Ali that he freaked out because he really liked her and saw a future with her but knew she would never move to Buffalo and it would “never work”, Ali said at the time she would have considered moving for him, Ali used to have him blocked on Facebook and told all her friends not to update her on info about him (unless she asked). He’s now married and goes to Disney with his wife (which Ali kind of scoffs at?), Ali said on TikTok that she dodged a bullet
Baby Bic
Met him at Adults National years ago, had a flirtationship with him in 2016 when he was 19 years old, ran into him at the Adults Nationals 2021, last texts she got from him were about getting his fake ID taken away at the bar and him visiting her in NYC but Ali didn’t want to buy him beer and drink at her apartment
The Chef
Matched on Tinder around 2016, he loved karaoke, “total shit”, asked Ali to be his girlfriend and to meet his mom after a month, off and on dating, broke up the first time because he was talking to his ex, lied and flew to Mexico to see his ex while dating Ali, that ex sent Ali a Snapchat of them in bed together on that Mexico trip, Ali broke up with him via text and called him a shitty boyfriend, he’s the reason Ali deleted her Snapchat because of drunk Snaps he would send post break up, FB messaged Ali 6 years later (while Roark was visiting/staying with Ali) and said sorry for being a shit head. Ali’s best friends hated him
The Dentist
Met on Halloween in the wild, Canadian, dated NYE 2016- May 2017 “nice guy, not my guy”, one of Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “he adored you, “he was too sweet for me” and “he had no edge to him”, he painted Ali’s cat for her 30th birthday but she was annoyed it was just Rory and not both cats, The Chef texted Ali while on a date/sleeping at his house
ASV - Aspiring Sober Vegan
Met through a friend (her best guy friend’s college roommate) the day before she had to fly out to her dad’s memorial, a doctor, into meditation, remembered him “being cuter” when they went on a first date, felt “the spark”, had “omg this is awesome sex”, Ali described this relationship as a “slow burn” and “the most attracted she ever been to a partner” even thought she didn’t think he was that cute in the beginning, dated 2-3 months before he tried to ghost Ali but they talked and broke up, four months later they start casually dating/FWB because he’s moving but this turns into a ‘middle distance relationship’ and he moves to Philly, had a lot of communication issues but didn't have a lot of fights, wants to live in Ohio and give a % of his income to charity, Ali was close to saying ‘I love you’ but didn’t, he uninvited her to meet his extended family and they got in a fight, broke up with her a couple weeks before their 6 month anniversary at the park while on a picnic and told her that she’s still his favorite person, Ali used to think he was “the one that got away” and would frequently have dreams about him. From what Ali knows, he's sober but not vegan
The Scientist
2017 or 2018ish, from San Diego, went on one date, Ali ended up ghosting him due to the decline in her dad’s health, saw him on Hinge while she was in San Diego for 3 months in 2020, texted him and apologized for ghosting him, ended up going on 2-3 more dates, took a selfie in front of his house and sent it to him but acted like she didn’t know that was his house and made a TikTok about it, things ended up not working but she doesn’t make it clear on who ended it. She can now see she shouldn’t have been going on dates during this time when her dad was sick.
Good on Paper Divorced Dude
Met a couple of years ago (she told this story on TikTok in 2020) on Bumble
The Groomsman
Met at her friend Ashley’s wedding in Chicago Oct 2019, had a “two night stand” with him, texted/talked/FT’d for 3-4 months, divorced, never dated seriously/FWB, saw each other a couple time when he came to NYC, Ali stopped talking with him due to FMH and her trying to find a serious relationship, he starts dating someone, follows FMH on insta, slid into her DM in 2022 and then sent her soup while she was sick, turns out he’s single again, 2 months later Ali is heading to Chicago and texts him “Hello! Reminder that my arrival to your neck of the woods is imminent” and turns out he is now seeing someone and Ali doesn’t see him while in Chicago (at least she doesn’t mention it)
Unnicknamed person
He was her plus one at her best friend from college’s NYE wedding 2019/2020, met and hung out with Ali’s mom, posted photos of them together on her personal Insta story, “fully dating but weren’t official hehe” doesn’t have a nickname/never gave him a nickname? This could be The Latvian/the person she texted her friend in DC about saying “I think I’m on a date with my husband”
He was browsing Bumble while Ali was in the bathroom during their first date, he was banned from Bumble and was using his grandma phone number. Ali turned down a second date
The Duke
Early FMH, went for long periods of time in between texts, 7-8 Zoom dates while Ali was in San Diego and he was in NY, Ali said you could see three of his ex’s on his instagram page (without scrolling), they finally went on one date and it was “meh” but they did kiss on their date
The Oyster
Matched on Bumble (he had one photo and no bio) two weeks before Valentines Day, Gemini, a lawyer, part of the 13 First Dates in 30 Days series (he was #13), dated Feb 2020-Aug 2020, love bomber, felt “the spark” and became official after 3 dates, best first date ever??? at the time, said “I love you” to Ali after two weeks, “For most of my relationship with The Oyster, he didn’t live in the city he had moved to Connecticut without telling me”, would fight all the time, opposite political views, Ali felt like a “fucking summer camp director” because she planned all their dates and he would get upset if Ali didn't have a plan, sought out a therapist (Megan) because of her relationship struggles because of him, went to Mass/church, he wanted a traditional marriage/life/wife/kids (at one point had Ali thinking she wanted that), didn’t want to live in NYC, didn’t support BLM, Cindy hated him
The Pilot
Went on 3 dates, texted a lot, didn’t hear back from him in four days and when she said she was looking to date someone who showed more consistency, he replied saying he met someone the day after their last date who seems to have more free time than Ali and he wants to pursue that but would like to be friends, Ali said on TikTok that this other women “bent her schedule to his schedule” and she was unwilling to do that. Mostly talked about him on TikTok
The Analyst
Matched on Bumble two years ago and went on one date, re matched in 2021 and he stood Ali up, she send him a text “getting stood up” script and he never replied. Only mentioned him on TikTok (?)
First date on the pod? I couldn't find anything else about him
The Scuba Diver
The Music Man
One date, “he didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just not for me”, amped up small talk, complimented Ali a lot which made her feel awkward cause she wasn’t feeling it, he texted her and asked for a second date and Ali sent the no ghosting script
The Bet
Uses the phrase “ok bet”, 28 years old shoe designer, only went on one dinner date to a spot he picked, turns out its cash only and he didn’t bring cash, was not into him , not looking for the same thing
The Dinosaur
Nickname was previously The Hawaiian, first date at Dinosaur BBQ, stood in a parking spot to save for Ali, he asked for a kiss after their date and Ali declined saying maybe next time
The Rose
He sent her a rose on hinge, first date was an hour long walk in the park while drinking beer
The Comic
Matched on Hinge, older than Ali (Ali’s friends express how happy they were to hear that), had brunch on their first date (was the first part of a double header but the second guy canceled), listed as “moderate” politically on Hinge, good and easy convo, went back and forth twice over text and then never heard back from him, “technically not ghosting...”
The Camper
Met in the wild at a volleyball tournament in July, lives in Chicago, 27 years old, hung out the whole time, over heard Ali asking someone to get her a make out partner, gave Ali his number, drunkly ask him for a FT date in the future and he didn’t reply, Ali texts him again about a volleyball thing and he replied back with not a lot of enthusiasm, Ali is going to Chicago in Sept for a volleyball tournament and she’s already planning on playing 4-on-4 with her best friend vs. his roommate and maybe The Camper, he texts her saying he has to work on the date of the tournament and won’t be able to do the 4-on-4 game, “I feel like I got broken up with someone I never want to date in the first place”
Went on a dinner date, was chatting up the waitress in a kind of creepy way, was bragging about a lot of things and it turned Ali off and Ali texted him her no ghosting script
The Accountant
1st matchmaker match, 31 years old, lives in BK, his dad has also passed away, easy to talk to, on the third date she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with him and in her gut doesn’t feel like this would be a slow burn, Ali breaks things off with him, months (?) later he sent Ali a 5 min long voice memo and they said they were both down to see each other as friends. He later on dated and ghosted Erica
The Aussie
Matched on Hinge, in politics, from Australia but lived all over the place, asked Ali what she’s looking for on the first date and he said he’s “casually looking for something serious”, Ali accidentally walks up to a different person on their second date, Ali texts him saying she would love to see him before he leaves on a trip and she wasn’t happy that it took him till the next day to reply and he can’t see her before he leaves
The Goalie
Was supposed to be Ali’s 2nd match, he’s a paying client, Ali didn’t hear back from him for a while when she told him where she lived, he wrote to the matchmaker saying that she lived too far away even though it states where she lives in her matchmaker profile
The Journalist
2nd matchmaker match, ended things because she was dating/pursuing things with The Discoball and paused her matchmakers matches
The Threepeat
Matched multiple times on dating apps but this recent time with Hinge, Amazon seller, first date was a pizza lunch date (with bubbles aka champagne) and he gave her a single yellow carnation, talked a lot about her “side hustles” aka her food blog, coaching, FMH and the pod (Ali didn’t mentioned the name on FMH), had an awkward half kiss during the date and then gave her a peck when they said goodbye, he had no night stands by his bed?, spent the night but told public pod they had a movie night, different kissing styles, 6 dates, broke things off with Ali two days before her first date with The Rower WHILE Ali was on a Halloween girls trip
The Rower
Dated from Halloween 2021 till early Feb 2022, Pisces who is 6 days older than Ali, has an ex-fiancé (they dated for 8 years, engaged for two of them, she broke off the engagement with him 1.5 years ago once he started dating Ali), has a shared dog with this ex, slept together around Xmas on the fourth date and Ali got a UTI, first time having “omg this is awesome sex” since ASV, first person Ali slept next to wearing an eye mask "that's a big step for me", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, on New Years Day told her that he sees “long term relationship potential” with her but doesn’t want to be exclusive after 5 dates, “we didn’t talk all week”, he said he wasn’t as ready as he though to date someone seriously and “I don’t know why I don’t want to be in a relationship with you” they broke up over the phone, Ali said he’s a good human and wants to date someone like him, 3.5 weeks later Ali drunk texted him at 3:00 am saying “its really hard not to talk to you” which Ali said was a lie, he replied back (few days? A week later?) while Ali was on another date and it made her cry a bit, she replied back saying “the door is closed but not locked” in regards if he wants to get back together. “Fin… for now”
Matched on Hinge but didn’t go on a first date for two week, Gemini, used to be a singer in a band, moved from DC to NYC, went on 7 dates in 2022, had a dog w/ ex and ex got full custody once he moved, met one of his friends on the second date, slept with him on the second date “morning and night”, he tried to find the podcast without knowing the name, podcasted from his house in DC, he would send Ali photos of them together “all the time”, gave a virtual presentation from his hotel room, did Molly together in DC, had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, moved to BK (didn’t see each other for 2 months pre-move), had a sex-less sleepover (a milestone for Ali), he showed up for her on her dad’s death date (something that a person she’s dating has never done), used to listen to the pod but stopped before they stopped seeing each other, ghosted her after they had a talk about moving things forward to exclusive and Ali texted him something along the lines of “your silence is the answer” when she didn’t hear back from him for a week and he ghosted her. Ali said he sucks in #77 AUA
Lisbon
The Brit
M&M
The Come Back Kid
They went on 2-3 dates in Nov 2018 and reconnected in May 2022, "felt immediately comfortable", sat next to a very drunk lady on their second 1st date and was supportive but "didn't step on Ali's toes" when the drunk lady said something offensive to Ali, couldn’t remember if they slept together or not, knows about FMH, ghosted Ali
The Trainer
The Cold Brew
The Nomad
3rd matchmaker match, reminded Ali of The Oyster, wanted kids and didn’t want to live in NYC forever, Ali was upset at first because her matchmaker was supposed to screen for that but the matchmaker DID check and it wasn’t mentioned when she was screening The Nomad, no second date because those are dealbreakers to him
The Catcher
Matched on Bumble, “good not great” after their first date, ~April 2022, talked about sports a lot on their first date
The Gentleman
4th matchmaker match, knew about Ali’s FMH socials before their date, Ali didn’t like his texting style, awkward intro on their first date “like hugging a 2 x 4”, he runs a dating event company and actually email Ali to be a guest on the pod when FMH first started, awkward goodbye, didn’t discuss the actual first date on the main pod because she doesn’t want to give him a reason to reach out again
The Tennis Pro
Ali had a good time on their date, “He is an adult, he’s mature” BUT “I don’t think he was into it”
The Padre
Matched on Bumble, 3 dates, from San Diego, “energy mismatch”, doesn’t want to know or listen to FMH, no psychical connection/kiss, only a kiss on the cheek on their last date, “I haven’t spoken to him since Friday night [a week]”, she didn’t want to do what The Threepeat did to her (break up while on vacation/traveling), she said it might be a MOO
5th matchmaker match, found him on Bumble before their in-person date, ghosted Ali AND the matchmaker???
6th matchmaker match
Last match and Ali states she will not talk about this date or anything about it
JFK Kirk?
Matched on Bumble, didn’t realize he’s located in SD, exchanged personal instagram info, not sure where things went or how things ended
Kirk #1
Met in the wild, make out a lot the night they met, “stealing kisses throughout the night”, exchanged numbers, planned a date (no specifics, just the day) but when Ali texted him day of he asked to reschedule (no specifics again), he replied back that he’s picking up a rental car, told him she’s looking for someone to respect her time and he never replied back
First date of 2023, matched on The League, first nickname was “League Kirk”, hard to talk to, felt like Ali was always reaching for the next topic, likes to travel, “there wasn’t a vibe”, MOO
The Roommate
Used to be her friend’s roommate and have met before (Ali doesn’t remember but it was the day after that exclusive convo with The Rower), “totally cute”, reunited at their mutual friend’s engagement party January 2023, made out at the bar, comes back to her place and sleeps over (no sex), Ali questions why her friends never set them up and its because he was taking a break from dating, first date they made out a lot at the bar (again), “I really felt like we were already a couple”, “It didn’t feel like a first date”, mentions her FMH content has popped up on his FYP, tried texting him after their date and he wasn’t giving effort, she’s glad she didn’t sleep with him because “one night stands aren’t my thing”, MOO
The Belgian
Matched on Bumble, accidentally had their first date during a trivia night at a bar, easy to talk to
The Viking
Ali forgot they had a first date on the day of said date
Tinder Man
Matched on Tinder (duh) on Valentine’s Day, first Tinder date in three years, good convo on first date but got a pushy vibe from him at the second bar they went to, put his hand up her sweater and was kissing her in the bar, made Ali uncomfortable and she told him that after her asked her on a second date
The Historian
Matched on Bumble, good conversation on the first date with a wide range of topics like “urban planning and its impact on feminism”, he’s in grad school
The Georgian
Matched on Hinge, he asked if she was free on Friday and she said yes but didn’t hear back from him in two days and in that time she made plans for Friday, rescheduled for a Saturday afternoon date at a dive bar, ate on her way to her date “it would be next level rude to eat on the subway”, good first date, talked about places he wants to take her to
The Publicist
Matched on Tinder, lives in BK, Jewish, one year younger then Ali, good first date, invited him to the Chaotic Singles Party that night, came over to Ali's apartment (which Ali said was messy) before and he made her favorite cocktail for her, a couple of listeners met him at the CSP, goofy and silly convo mixed with deep and serious convos, second date was at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and a tasting menu dinner, he made a Resy reservation and Ali got an email saying she was added to it ”fuck receiving gifts, THAT’S my love language”, he's into words like Ali, he sneezed and Ali said "God bless you" but then corrected herself and said "gesundheit" and he leaned over and kissed her and said he loves that she cares about her words, he met her friends on the third date ”It felt so easy. It felt so comfortable”, her friends took “sneaky” picture and videos of them together which Ali said she loves a sneaky pic, took all their date recap videos on his phone, cooked Ali steak on their fourth date, "it's very comfortable", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, Ali met two of his friends and some of his teammates he plays a rec sport with, had sex the day they took a trip outside of the city, Erica met him before their trip to Greece and I said “he’s dorky in a good way”, WhatsApp video chatted while in Greece and told her “see you in two days!” at the end of their call, said she felt less anxious about him compared to other relationships while on vacation, sent him a birthday present while she was in Greece, felt an energy shift coming back from vacation and didn’t hear back from him 3 days after she came home, Ali requested a call to talk about this distances she was feeling, ”I did the 12 date rule and it didn’t work!”, she said the distance help her see that they’re not compatible, went on a total of 9 dates. Ali talks about the “break up” on episode 123
Mr. Chaotic
Matched on Tinder but he saw Ali at the Chaotic Singles Party and Cassidy the host is there mutual friend, went to a brewery and played games on their first date (Ali said this was her favorite first dates in episode 147 where they recapped 2023), works in entertainment industry, very high energy, knows about FMH and he said she's entertaining to watch, splits his time between NYC and some unknown city, texted while she was in Greece, ”The man gives good texts”
Random Matchmaker Match
Withdrew his match to Ali because he found her FMH socials. Talked about on #71 AUA
Gone with the Wind
Matchmaker match, said some gross things about women in volleyball outfits on their first date, Ali told her matchmaker about this, ”I would describe him as misogynistic overall”, Ali was glad he did say those weird things so early on so she didn’t waste her time, the matchmaker flagged his account. This was around June 2023
The Rock
Ali knows him from an activity that they used to be involved with in the city (she's very vague about what this is) from 8 years ago, he had a very serious/long term GF when they met, follows her personal Insta, has never talked about him because he’s never been a “prospect”, summer 2023 they met up to catch up and found out that he’s now recently single but he’s moving out of NYC for work, Ali texts Cindy saying she thinks this is a date, Cindy said to tell him that you really want to kiss him, he ends up telling Ali “I really want to kiss you”, made out at the bar, Ali invited him back to her apartment and they had sex the night before Ali ended things with The Publicist, “one night stand vibes” but she said she was down to do it again, Patreon only and talked about on #75 AUA
The Tourist
Matched on Hinge, just moved to Brooklynn, went to a brewery in BK for their first date, Ali showed up to the date dripping in sweat, allergic to cats, he sent Ali a ‘no ghosting’ text the next morning
The Stout
Matched on Bumble, ”we had really great banter right away”, laughed the whole time on their first date, talked about going on a second date during their first date
Speed Racer
Matched on Bumble, drinks first date, axe throwing second date, made out after their second date, MOO, randomly texted Ali ~6 months later because he said one of Ali’s date recap videos about him popped up on his FYP (Ali and Erica think this is a lie), he thought Ali wasn’t into him, he claims he was doing all the work with texting even though there was only a few messages since they exchanged numbers after their second date
Billy Joel
Recently sober, Ali said she felt like they had several inside jokes before they met in person, ate pizza on her way to their first date, second date was getting coffee and going to the museum, they cooked dinner together for their third date at Ali’s apartment and they watched 90 Day Fiancé (he didn’t like it), he Googled how to clean a red wine stain when it spilled on her countertop, he asked if she wanted to have sex and she turned it down, the next day/the day before a 7am flight Ali booty called him and they had sex, she was drunk and said the sex wasn’t good/they stopped mid way, helped Ali pack for her flight, Ali said he’s at a crossroad and he doesn’t seem like a long term fit, Erica found a condom on the ground while cat sitting, Ali said she didn’t regret hooking up with him but wishes she hadn’t done it, MOO
Sales Cycle
30 seconds in and Ali said he was very boring, only really talked about his job, stared at Ali’s boobs, “might be a MOO”, texted her ‘merry christmas’
Matched on The League, 34 years old, requested a nickname change from Pie Guy to Dr. Laundry, he had to cancel their second date because he got hit by a car, went on two dates, Ali sent him a pic of his subway stop saying something along the lines of “the stop isn’t looking as cute today” and turns out someone he dated with in that photo, were supposed to go on a third date the night she got back from a bachelorette party but he didn't answer her text when she said she landed, the next day he asked her how her trip was not acknowledging her previous text at all, Ali expressed her disappointment and he replied that he was tired last night, she said she would've been understanding if he said something then ghosted her
Andddd I stopped listening to the podcast around the Dr. Pie Laundry Guy but have stayed up to date with everything via this sub.
I have a huge interest in dating culture, human behavior and data similar to Ali and this little project of mine was really interesting once I got the framework of this list. I started this list once I found this sub in December 2023 and started re listening to the Patreon while working out (and lost 10 lbs ayeee) and writing down information in my notes app. I did my best to keep this list unbiased and just give facts and information that was said.
My own thoughts after making this list is that I'm very sad for Ali. I didn't realize the extent of her dating history. I think about my own dating history or even my friends who are in their 30's and dating and Ali's dating lore runs so deep. Is Ali unlucky with love? Did she pass on someone that could have been great for her? How has she had so many dates with little success in a long term partner or even going beyond 6-8 dates? Or is Skyline the person she has been waiting for? What's the pattern with all this dates/men? So many questions.
I truly do hope Ali finds her guy because I believe theres someone for everyone. Until then, I'll be hopping into this sub (cause y'all are too funny and give the best advice) and waiting for Ali to find Mr. Height.
Enjoy and I look forward to everyone thoughts! I'll keep my eye out for any edits that need to be made.
Bonus quotes:
“Longest relationship was a little under a year and a half. Haven’t made it past 6 months with anyone else” - AUA #7 11/27/21
“I spent the first 10+ years of my dating life being sort of perennially single” -1. The Actual First One episode 2/21/21
"I think my parent's story is the reason why I think that I can romantically get back together with an ex and it'll work out" -The Dave Glaser Podcast 4/5/21
“Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in, with a couple of exceptions, started as a situationship.” -21. The Undefined One 7/11/21
“All of my boyfriends have been white” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“You definitely need an older guy” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“I’ve been on the dating apps since high school. Dating websites at the time” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Who would be the perfect man for Ali?”
“Clearly a combination of the The Dentist and [the early stages of] The Buffalo” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Do you consider The Rower or Disco ball to have been situationships?”
“No, I don't consider either The Rower or The Disco Ball to be situationships” -question asked on TikTok 11/9/22
submitted by pizzapillowfort to findingmrheight [link] [comments]
A couple of notes before you read (or after because I would just jump into the list right away too)
- Direct quotes from Ali herself are in italics.
- I tried my best to keep everything in timeline order. Some people like The Come Back Kid I placed in the order where they reconnected/talked about on the pod. But I did my best to note this.
- All this information came from the FMH podcast, the Patreon, the original FMH blog, TikTok and other podcast that feature FMH/Ali. I also crossed reference information with this sub. I got most of this done with the help of the Patreon and listening to 1.75x speed but I lost accessed to the Patreon because my subscription ended.
- I'm open to edits! Things around the matchmaker era confused me and if anything is incorrect or if I'm missing someone, please let me know! I will note where corrections are made.
- Some people don't have anything simply because only a name was said or I couldn't find any details about the person/date
- And of course, please be respectful of all the sub rules!
- Mr. Adorable aka The Coach
- Trouble
- Waffles
- Future Husband Brian (FHB)
- Cookie
- Peter Pan
- Ambiguous Goodbye Guy
- Bad Bitch Man
Mentioned on Tiktok and on the pod once
Myspace Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok
Third Boyfriend
Met on eCrush.com in 2002 and this was mentioned on the Cracked Up podcast, The Dave Glaser Podcast and Tiktok
The Kiwi
Met on a 2 week Model UN type youth trip in high school when Ali was 15, never a boyfriend but she had a huge crush on him, he tried to kiss Ali and she literally ran away, didn’t talk the rest of the trip but exchanged numbers and screen names (Ali’s was FineGal13 or BeachJewel760), she made him a mixtape cd called “Ali’s really cool mix for The Kiwi” but never sent it and she still has it. In 2021, he DM’d her when she posted photos of her and her mom in France and invites her to visit him in London, she says she can’t but says they should catch up if he comes to NYC
Fourth Boyfriend
Met on OkCupid when you had to use it on the computer, this was mentioned on Tiktok
The Homecoming Date or Light Switch
First boyfriend? (she goes back and forth calling him her first bf or a situationship), a family friend, a month younger than Ali, dated in high school but went to different high schools, football player, made him ask her to her Homecoming dance over email (her words), Ali hid in the bathroom the whole Homecoming dance, 3-4 revisits of this situations as adults, saw him on Bumble a few years ago and texted him that he had a typo in his bio, “he very much wanted to be with me” and now he’s married with a kid. His mom is still “obsessed” with Ali and she listens to FMH
Random college guy
Freshman year of college, Ali doesn’t have a nickname for him/doesn’t remember his real name, met this guy through a friend, was texting him to invite him over to hot tub but her phone autocorrected to “how about some hot rubbing tonight?” but Ali didn’t noticed/didn’t correct it and he never replied, Ali had a house party and got really drunk and was all over him, he left the party early, she messaged him on MySpace 3-4 times asking why he left
The Resident
Matched on Match.com, first guy she dated in NYC after college, older than Ali, a doctor, lasted 3 months ”maybe”, he didn’t like Ali’s friends, got a card from him on her birthday and it said “Love, The Resident” and it took Ali back a little, Ali drinks black coffee because of him, he coordinated having her mom visit NYC for her birthday then he broke up with her a week later
The Ghost
Met at a bar when she was 25, turns out they matched on OkCupid and they already had a date scheduled next week, they dated for 6-8 weeks, had sleepovers, “The worst ghosting experience I’ve ever had”, he borrowed The Great Gatsby from Ali’s roommate, planned to make dinner together after a beach trip in August with her friends and never showed up, Ali is blowing up his phone and gets no reply, two weeks later she finally texts “are you alive? check yes or no” and he responds “Yes”, Ali then ask if he could return the book and gets no reply again, 5 months go by and she receives the book in the mail with the note: “Here’s the book back. Sorry. P.S. sorry about last summer. I was in a bad place. You’re a great person and your salmon is amazing”, since then she has ran into him twice on the streets and matched with him on Bumble
The Coach/Mr. Adorable
First serious boyfriend at 26/27 in 2013, matched on Match.com or met through work depending if you’re listening to the pod or reading her OG blog, clean-cut look, played volleyball, Ali invited him to a friend’s birthday party and they made out in the streets at 4am, on their second date he asked Ali if she was seeing any one and when Ali said no he ask her to be his girlfriend 3 days after their first date, dated for almost 1.5 years or almost 2 years depending on if you’re listening to the pod or the Patreon, first time saying “I love you” to a guy, “lovely guy“, never would posted Ali on his instagram until Ali said something, he “lived” with her for two weeks while he was in between apartments, tried blind folding/hair pulling during sex and she didn’t like it, by the end of their relationship Ali didn’t like sex and thought she wasn’t a very sexual person, after they broke up Ali drunk texted him at 2am and he picked her up and she spent the night and she took her things in the morning in a rolly suitcase, from her blog in 2015: “I just want to be careful I don’t end up with another Mr. Adorable situation, where I find myself dating my platonic best friend”, had drinks with him in 2016 from the blog: “Not in a romantic way (at least on my end)”, Ali still talks to him sometimes through casual instagram DMs, he’s currently (as of 2021) dating someone for 4+ years and Ali thinks they’re going to get engaged
Trouble
OG 2015 FMH blog, never mentioned on the pod, “I was immediately enamored with him”, met at a Beer Olympic party but he worked with one of Ali’s best friends (Ali was still dating The Coach at the time), lived in BK, tattoos and stubble, Ali’s best friend said he was a “fuck boy”, “he very much made me see that it was the right thing for me and The Coach to not be together”, from her blog in 2015: “he has this look in his eye like he’s constantly laughing at me – in a super sexy way”, he texted her saying he didn’t see anything romantically with her and she sent a gif of someone shrugging
Personal side note: Ali has mentioned she has cheated on someone but never disclosed who she cheated on or with. I feel like she cheated on Mr.A/The Coach with Trouble because of the timeline. Just a guess.
Waffles
Matched on Bumble, OG 2015 FMH blog, he asked Ali fuck/marry/kill breakfast foods, dated 2 months around summer time, on Fourth of July while watching fireworks he said how they had a great day and Ali replied with something along the lines with “yeah, it would be better if I could call you my boyfriend”, he said he wanted a relationship but just not with Ali and shortly afterwards they stopped seeing each other
The Buffalo
Lived in Buffalo NY, 6’5, Scorpio, met in 2015 at Adults National volleyball (Ali’s team won that year) where he was heckling her while she was playing, asks Ali’s mom for her number and Ali’s mom said “I guess you’re tall enough” and told him to ask her himself, he flew her out and she met his parents, dated over summer, exclusive but never boyfriend/girlfriend (but called him her LD boyfriend on TikTok), texted and talked on the phone a lot, Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “they had really good banter”, in October he invited her to his cousins wedding and she invited him to her friends wedding, after Ali bought her ticket to his cousins wedding (with the promise he would buy her ticket to her friend’s wedding) he ghosted and stonewalled her, she “poured her heart out to him on voicemail” and he never replied, she asked him to pay her back for her ticket and he got mad that she “made this about money”, 2 years later he told Ali that he freaked out because he really liked her and saw a future with her but knew she would never move to Buffalo and it would “never work”, Ali said at the time she would have considered moving for him, Ali used to have him blocked on Facebook and told all her friends not to update her on info about him (unless she asked). He’s now married and goes to Disney with his wife (which Ali kind of scoffs at?), Ali said on TikTok that she dodged a bullet
Baby Bic
Met him at Adults National years ago, had a flirtationship with him in 2016 when he was 19 years old, ran into him at the Adults Nationals 2021, last texts she got from him were about getting his fake ID taken away at the bar and him visiting her in NYC but Ali didn’t want to buy him beer and drink at her apartment
The Chef
Matched on Tinder around 2016, he loved karaoke, “total shit”, asked Ali to be his girlfriend and to meet his mom after a month, off and on dating, broke up the first time because he was talking to his ex, lied and flew to Mexico to see his ex while dating Ali, that ex sent Ali a Snapchat of them in bed together on that Mexico trip, Ali broke up with him via text and called him a shitty boyfriend, he’s the reason Ali deleted her Snapchat because of drunk Snaps he would send post break up, FB messaged Ali 6 years later (while Roark was visiting/staying with Ali) and said sorry for being a shit head. Ali’s best friends hated him
The Dentist
Met on Halloween in the wild, Canadian, dated NYE 2016- May 2017 “nice guy, not my guy”, one of Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “he adored you, “he was too sweet for me” and “he had no edge to him”, he painted Ali’s cat for her 30th birthday but she was annoyed it was just Rory and not both cats, The Chef texted Ali while on a date/sleeping at his house
ASV - Aspiring Sober Vegan
Met through a friend (her best guy friend’s college roommate) the day before she had to fly out to her dad’s memorial, a doctor, into meditation, remembered him “being cuter” when they went on a first date, felt “the spark”, had “omg this is awesome sex”, Ali described this relationship as a “slow burn” and “the most attracted she ever been to a partner” even thought she didn’t think he was that cute in the beginning, dated 2-3 months before he tried to ghost Ali but they talked and broke up, four months later they start casually dating/FWB because he’s moving but this turns into a ‘middle distance relationship’ and he moves to Philly, had a lot of communication issues but didn't have a lot of fights, wants to live in Ohio and give a % of his income to charity, Ali was close to saying ‘I love you’ but didn’t, he uninvited her to meet his extended family and they got in a fight, broke up with her a couple weeks before their 6 month anniversary at the park while on a picnic and told her that she’s still his favorite person, Ali used to think he was “the one that got away” and would frequently have dreams about him. From what Ali knows, he's sober but not vegan
The Scientist
2017 or 2018ish, from San Diego, went on one date, Ali ended up ghosting him due to the decline in her dad’s health, saw him on Hinge while she was in San Diego for 3 months in 2020, texted him and apologized for ghosting him, ended up going on 2-3 more dates, took a selfie in front of his house and sent it to him but acted like she didn’t know that was his house and made a TikTok about it, things ended up not working but she doesn’t make it clear on who ended it. She can now see she shouldn’t have been going on dates during this time when her dad was sick.
Good on Paper Divorced Dude
Met a couple of years ago (she told this story on TikTok in 2020) on Bumble
The Groomsman
Met at her friend Ashley’s wedding in Chicago Oct 2019, had a “two night stand” with him, texted/talked/FT’d for 3-4 months, divorced, never dated seriously/FWB, saw each other a couple time when he came to NYC, Ali stopped talking with him due to FMH and her trying to find a serious relationship, he starts dating someone, follows FMH on insta, slid into her DM in 2022 and then sent her soup while she was sick, turns out he’s single again, 2 months later Ali is heading to Chicago and texts him “Hello! Reminder that my arrival to your neck of the woods is imminent” and turns out he is now seeing someone and Ali doesn’t see him while in Chicago (at least she doesn’t mention it)
Unnicknamed person
He was her plus one at her best friend from college’s NYE wedding 2019/2020, met and hung out with Ali’s mom, posted photos of them together on her personal Insta story, “fully dating but weren’t official hehe” doesn’t have a nickname/never gave him a nickname? This could be The Latvian/the person she texted her friend in DC about saying “I think I’m on a date with my husband”
Starts FMH on January 2020 on Instagram/TikTok
The TravelerHe was browsing Bumble while Ali was in the bathroom during their first date, he was banned from Bumble and was using his grandma phone number. Ali turned down a second date
The Duke
Early FMH, went for long periods of time in between texts, 7-8 Zoom dates while Ali was in San Diego and he was in NY, Ali said you could see three of his ex’s on his instagram page (without scrolling), they finally went on one date and it was “meh” but they did kiss on their date
The Oyster
Matched on Bumble (he had one photo and no bio) two weeks before Valentines Day, Gemini, a lawyer, part of the 13 First Dates in 30 Days series (he was #13), dated Feb 2020-Aug 2020, love bomber, felt “the spark” and became official after 3 dates, best first date ever??? at the time, said “I love you” to Ali after two weeks, “For most of my relationship with The Oyster, he didn’t live in the city he had moved to Connecticut without telling me”, would fight all the time, opposite political views, Ali felt like a “fucking summer camp director” because she planned all their dates and he would get upset if Ali didn't have a plan, sought out a therapist (Megan) because of her relationship struggles because of him, went to Mass/church, he wanted a traditional marriage/life/wife/kids (at one point had Ali thinking she wanted that), didn’t want to live in NYC, didn’t support BLM, Cindy hated him
The Pilot
Went on 3 dates, texted a lot, didn’t hear back from him in four days and when she said she was looking to date someone who showed more consistency, he replied saying he met someone the day after their last date who seems to have more free time than Ali and he wants to pursue that but would like to be friends, Ali said on TikTok that this other women “bent her schedule to his schedule” and she was unwilling to do that. Mostly talked about him on TikTok
The Analyst
Matched on Bumble two years ago and went on one date, re matched in 2021 and he stood Ali up, she send him a text “getting stood up” script and he never replied. Only mentioned him on TikTok (?)
Ali and Roark start FMH: The Podcast February 2021
The BoomerangFirst date on the pod? I couldn't find anything else about him
The Scuba Diver
The Music Man
One date, “he didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just not for me”, amped up small talk, complimented Ali a lot which made her feel awkward cause she wasn’t feeling it, he texted her and asked for a second date and Ali sent the no ghosting script
The Bet
Uses the phrase “ok bet”, 28 years old shoe designer, only went on one dinner date to a spot he picked, turns out its cash only and he didn’t bring cash, was not into him , not looking for the same thing
The Dinosaur
Nickname was previously The Hawaiian, first date at Dinosaur BBQ, stood in a parking spot to save for Ali, he asked for a kiss after their date and Ali declined saying maybe next time
The Rose
He sent her a rose on hinge, first date was an hour long walk in the park while drinking beer
The Comic
Matched on Hinge, older than Ali (Ali’s friends express how happy they were to hear that), had brunch on their first date (was the first part of a double header but the second guy canceled), listed as “moderate” politically on Hinge, good and easy convo, went back and forth twice over text and then never heard back from him, “technically not ghosting...”
The Camper
Met in the wild at a volleyball tournament in July, lives in Chicago, 27 years old, hung out the whole time, over heard Ali asking someone to get her a make out partner, gave Ali his number, drunkly ask him for a FT date in the future and he didn’t reply, Ali texts him again about a volleyball thing and he replied back with not a lot of enthusiasm, Ali is going to Chicago in Sept for a volleyball tournament and she’s already planning on playing 4-on-4 with her best friend vs. his roommate and maybe The Camper, he texts her saying he has to work on the date of the tournament and won’t be able to do the 4-on-4 game, “I feel like I got broken up with someone I never want to date in the first place”
Ali’s Matchmaker contract starts in August 2021 - 6 matches
The SchmoozerWent on a dinner date, was chatting up the waitress in a kind of creepy way, was bragging about a lot of things and it turned Ali off and Ali texted him her no ghosting script
The Accountant
1st matchmaker match, 31 years old, lives in BK, his dad has also passed away, easy to talk to, on the third date she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with him and in her gut doesn’t feel like this would be a slow burn, Ali breaks things off with him, months (?) later he sent Ali a 5 min long voice memo and they said they were both down to see each other as friends. He later on dated and ghosted Erica
The Aussie
Matched on Hinge, in politics, from Australia but lived all over the place, asked Ali what she’s looking for on the first date and he said he’s “casually looking for something serious”, Ali accidentally walks up to a different person on their second date, Ali texts him saying she would love to see him before he leaves on a trip and she wasn’t happy that it took him till the next day to reply and he can’t see her before he leaves
The Goalie
Was supposed to be Ali’s 2nd match, he’s a paying client, Ali didn’t hear back from him for a while when she told him where she lived, he wrote to the matchmaker saying that she lived too far away even though it states where she lives in her matchmaker profile
The Journalist
2nd matchmaker match, ended things because she was dating/pursuing things with The Discoball and paused her matchmakers matches
The Threepeat
Matched multiple times on dating apps but this recent time with Hinge, Amazon seller, first date was a pizza lunch date (with bubbles aka champagne) and he gave her a single yellow carnation, talked a lot about her “side hustles” aka her food blog, coaching, FMH and the pod (Ali didn’t mentioned the name on FMH), had an awkward half kiss during the date and then gave her a peck when they said goodbye, he had no night stands by his bed?, spent the night but told public pod they had a movie night, different kissing styles, 6 dates, broke things off with Ali two days before her first date with The Rower WHILE Ali was on a Halloween girls trip
The Rower
Dated from Halloween 2021 till early Feb 2022, Pisces who is 6 days older than Ali, has an ex-fiancé (they dated for 8 years, engaged for two of them, she broke off the engagement with him 1.5 years ago once he started dating Ali), has a shared dog with this ex, slept together around Xmas on the fourth date and Ali got a UTI, first time having “omg this is awesome sex” since ASV, first person Ali slept next to wearing an eye mask "that's a big step for me", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, on New Years Day told her that he sees “long term relationship potential” with her but doesn’t want to be exclusive after 5 dates, “we didn’t talk all week”, he said he wasn’t as ready as he though to date someone seriously and “I don’t know why I don’t want to be in a relationship with you” they broke up over the phone, Ali said he’s a good human and wants to date someone like him, 3.5 weeks later Ali drunk texted him at 3:00 am saying “its really hard not to talk to you” which Ali said was a lie, he replied back (few days? A week later?) while Ali was on another date and it made her cry a bit, she replied back saying “the door is closed but not locked” in regards if he wants to get back together. “Fin… for now”
2022
The DiscoballMatched on Hinge but didn’t go on a first date for two week, Gemini, used to be a singer in a band, moved from DC to NYC, went on 7 dates in 2022, had a dog w/ ex and ex got full custody once he moved, met one of his friends on the second date, slept with him on the second date “morning and night”, he tried to find the podcast without knowing the name, podcasted from his house in DC, he would send Ali photos of them together “all the time”, gave a virtual presentation from his hotel room, did Molly together in DC, had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, moved to BK (didn’t see each other for 2 months pre-move), had a sex-less sleepover (a milestone for Ali), he showed up for her on her dad’s death date (something that a person she’s dating has never done), used to listen to the pod but stopped before they stopped seeing each other, ghosted her after they had a talk about moving things forward to exclusive and Ali texted him something along the lines of “your silence is the answer” when she didn’t hear back from him for a week and he ghosted her. Ali said he sucks in #77 AUA
Lisbon
The Brit
M&M
The Come Back Kid
They went on 2-3 dates in Nov 2018 and reconnected in May 2022, "felt immediately comfortable", sat next to a very drunk lady on their second 1st date and was supportive but "didn't step on Ali's toes" when the drunk lady said something offensive to Ali, couldn’t remember if they slept together or not, knows about FMH, ghosted Ali
The Trainer
The Cold Brew
The Nomad
3rd matchmaker match, reminded Ali of The Oyster, wanted kids and didn’t want to live in NYC forever, Ali was upset at first because her matchmaker was supposed to screen for that but the matchmaker DID check and it wasn’t mentioned when she was screening The Nomad, no second date because those are dealbreakers to him
The Catcher
Matched on Bumble, “good not great” after their first date, ~April 2022, talked about sports a lot on their first date
The Gentleman
4th matchmaker match, knew about Ali’s FMH socials before their date, Ali didn’t like his texting style, awkward intro on their first date “like hugging a 2 x 4”, he runs a dating event company and actually email Ali to be a guest on the pod when FMH first started, awkward goodbye, didn’t discuss the actual first date on the main pod because she doesn’t want to give him a reason to reach out again
The Tennis Pro
Ali had a good time on their date, “He is an adult, he’s mature” BUT “I don’t think he was into it”
The Padre
Matched on Bumble, 3 dates, from San Diego, “energy mismatch”, doesn’t want to know or listen to FMH, no psychical connection/kiss, only a kiss on the cheek on their last date, “I haven’t spoken to him since Friday night [a week]”, she didn’t want to do what The Threepeat did to her (break up while on vacation/traveling), she said it might be a MOO
Roark leaves and Erica joins the pod Oct 31st 2022
Captain Kirk5th matchmaker match, found him on Bumble before their in-person date, ghosted Ali AND the matchmaker???
6th matchmaker match
Last match and Ali states she will not talk about this date or anything about it
JFK Kirk?
Matched on Bumble, didn’t realize he’s located in SD, exchanged personal instagram info, not sure where things went or how things ended
Kirk #1
Met in the wild, make out a lot the night they met, “stealing kisses throughout the night”, exchanged numbers, planned a date (no specifics, just the day) but when Ali texted him day of he asked to reschedule (no specifics again), he replied back that he’s picking up a rental car, told him she’s looking for someone to respect her time and he never replied back
2023
The FalconFirst date of 2023, matched on The League, first nickname was “League Kirk”, hard to talk to, felt like Ali was always reaching for the next topic, likes to travel, “there wasn’t a vibe”, MOO
The Roommate
Used to be her friend’s roommate and have met before (Ali doesn’t remember but it was the day after that exclusive convo with The Rower), “totally cute”, reunited at their mutual friend’s engagement party January 2023, made out at the bar, comes back to her place and sleeps over (no sex), Ali questions why her friends never set them up and its because he was taking a break from dating, first date they made out a lot at the bar (again), “I really felt like we were already a couple”, “It didn’t feel like a first date”, mentions her FMH content has popped up on his FYP, tried texting him after their date and he wasn’t giving effort, she’s glad she didn’t sleep with him because “one night stands aren’t my thing”, MOO
The Belgian
Matched on Bumble, accidentally had their first date during a trivia night at a bar, easy to talk to
The Viking
Ali forgot they had a first date on the day of said date
Tinder Man
Matched on Tinder (duh) on Valentine’s Day, first Tinder date in three years, good convo on first date but got a pushy vibe from him at the second bar they went to, put his hand up her sweater and was kissing her in the bar, made Ali uncomfortable and she told him that after her asked her on a second date
The Historian
Matched on Bumble, good conversation on the first date with a wide range of topics like “urban planning and its impact on feminism”, he’s in grad school
The Georgian
Matched on Hinge, he asked if she was free on Friday and she said yes but didn’t hear back from him in two days and in that time she made plans for Friday, rescheduled for a Saturday afternoon date at a dive bar, ate on her way to her date “it would be next level rude to eat on the subway”, good first date, talked about places he wants to take her to
The Publicist
Matched on Tinder, lives in BK, Jewish, one year younger then Ali, good first date, invited him to the Chaotic Singles Party that night, came over to Ali's apartment (which Ali said was messy) before and he made her favorite cocktail for her, a couple of listeners met him at the CSP, goofy and silly convo mixed with deep and serious convos, second date was at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and a tasting menu dinner, he made a Resy reservation and Ali got an email saying she was added to it ”fuck receiving gifts, THAT’S my love language”, he's into words like Ali, he sneezed and Ali said "God bless you" but then corrected herself and said "gesundheit" and he leaned over and kissed her and said he loves that she cares about her words, he met her friends on the third date ”It felt so easy. It felt so comfortable”, her friends took “sneaky” picture and videos of them together which Ali said she loves a sneaky pic, took all their date recap videos on his phone, cooked Ali steak on their fourth date, "it's very comfortable", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, Ali met two of his friends and some of his teammates he plays a rec sport with, had sex the day they took a trip outside of the city, Erica met him before their trip to Greece and I said “he’s dorky in a good way”, WhatsApp video chatted while in Greece and told her “see you in two days!” at the end of their call, said she felt less anxious about him compared to other relationships while on vacation, sent him a birthday present while she was in Greece, felt an energy shift coming back from vacation and didn’t hear back from him 3 days after she came home, Ali requested a call to talk about this distances she was feeling, ”I did the 12 date rule and it didn’t work!”, she said the distance help her see that they’re not compatible, went on a total of 9 dates. Ali talks about the “break up” on episode 123
Mr. Chaotic
Matched on Tinder but he saw Ali at the Chaotic Singles Party and Cassidy the host is there mutual friend, went to a brewery and played games on their first date (Ali said this was her favorite first dates in episode 147 where they recapped 2023), works in entertainment industry, very high energy, knows about FMH and he said she's entertaining to watch, splits his time between NYC and some unknown city, texted while she was in Greece, ”The man gives good texts”
Random Matchmaker Match
Withdrew his match to Ali because he found her FMH socials. Talked about on #71 AUA
Gone with the Wind
Matchmaker match, said some gross things about women in volleyball outfits on their first date, Ali told her matchmaker about this, ”I would describe him as misogynistic overall”, Ali was glad he did say those weird things so early on so she didn’t waste her time, the matchmaker flagged his account. This was around June 2023
The Rock
Ali knows him from an activity that they used to be involved with in the city (she's very vague about what this is) from 8 years ago, he had a very serious/long term GF when they met, follows her personal Insta, has never talked about him because he’s never been a “prospect”, summer 2023 they met up to catch up and found out that he’s now recently single but he’s moving out of NYC for work, Ali texts Cindy saying she thinks this is a date, Cindy said to tell him that you really want to kiss him, he ends up telling Ali “I really want to kiss you”, made out at the bar, Ali invited him back to her apartment and they had sex the night before Ali ended things with The Publicist, “one night stand vibes” but she said she was down to do it again, Patreon only and talked about on #75 AUA
The Tourist
Matched on Hinge, just moved to Brooklynn, went to a brewery in BK for their first date, Ali showed up to the date dripping in sweat, allergic to cats, he sent Ali a ‘no ghosting’ text the next morning
The Stout
Matched on Bumble, ”we had really great banter right away”, laughed the whole time on their first date, talked about going on a second date during their first date
Speed Racer
Matched on Bumble, drinks first date, axe throwing second date, made out after their second date, MOO, randomly texted Ali ~6 months later because he said one of Ali’s date recap videos about him popped up on his FYP (Ali and Erica think this is a lie), he thought Ali wasn’t into him, he claims he was doing all the work with texting even though there was only a few messages since they exchanged numbers after their second date
Billy Joel
Recently sober, Ali said she felt like they had several inside jokes before they met in person, ate pizza on her way to their first date, second date was getting coffee and going to the museum, they cooked dinner together for their third date at Ali’s apartment and they watched 90 Day Fiancé (he didn’t like it), he Googled how to clean a red wine stain when it spilled on her countertop, he asked if she wanted to have sex and she turned it down, the next day/the day before a 7am flight Ali booty called him and they had sex, she was drunk and said the sex wasn’t good/they stopped mid way, helped Ali pack for her flight, Ali said he’s at a crossroad and he doesn’t seem like a long term fit, Erica found a condom on the ground while cat sitting, Ali said she didn’t regret hooking up with him but wishes she hadn’t done it, MOO
Sales Cycle
30 seconds in and Ali said he was very boring, only really talked about his job, stared at Ali’s boobs, “might be a MOO”, texted her ‘merry christmas’
2024
Pie Guy/Dr. LaundryMatched on The League, 34 years old, requested a nickname change from Pie Guy to Dr. Laundry, he had to cancel their second date because he got hit by a car, went on two dates, Ali sent him a pic of his subway stop saying something along the lines of “the stop isn’t looking as cute today” and turns out someone he dated with in that photo, were supposed to go on a third date the night she got back from a bachelorette party but he didn't answer her text when she said she landed, the next day he asked her how her trip was not acknowledging her previous text at all, Ali expressed her disappointment and he replied that he was tired last night, she said she would've been understanding if he said something then ghosted her
Andddd I stopped listening to the podcast around the Dr. Pie Laundry Guy but have stayed up to date with everything via this sub.
I have a huge interest in dating culture, human behavior and data similar to Ali and this little project of mine was really interesting once I got the framework of this list. I started this list once I found this sub in December 2023 and started re listening to the Patreon while working out (and lost 10 lbs ayeee) and writing down information in my notes app. I did my best to keep this list unbiased and just give facts and information that was said.
My own thoughts after making this list is that I'm very sad for Ali. I didn't realize the extent of her dating history. I think about my own dating history or even my friends who are in their 30's and dating and Ali's dating lore runs so deep. Is Ali unlucky with love? Did she pass on someone that could have been great for her? How has she had so many dates with little success in a long term partner or even going beyond 6-8 dates? Or is Skyline the person she has been waiting for? What's the pattern with all this dates/men? So many questions.
I truly do hope Ali finds her guy because I believe theres someone for everyone. Until then, I'll be hopping into this sub (cause y'all are too funny and give the best advice) and waiting for Ali to find Mr. Height.
Enjoy and I look forward to everyone thoughts! I'll keep my eye out for any edits that need to be made.
Bonus quotes:
“Longest relationship was a little under a year and a half. Haven’t made it past 6 months with anyone else” - AUA #7 11/27/21
“I spent the first 10+ years of my dating life being sort of perennially single” -1. The Actual First One episode 2/21/21
"I think my parent's story is the reason why I think that I can romantically get back together with an ex and it'll work out" -The Dave Glaser Podcast 4/5/21
“Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in, with a couple of exceptions, started as a situationship.” -21. The Undefined One 7/11/21
“All of my boyfriends have been white” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“You definitely need an older guy” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“I’ve been on the dating apps since high school. Dating websites at the time” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Who would be the perfect man for Ali?”
“Clearly a combination of the The Dentist and [the early stages of] The Buffalo” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Do you consider The Rower or Disco ball to have been situationships?”
“No, I don't consider either The Rower or The Disco Ball to be situationships” -question asked on TikTok 11/9/22
2024.05.19 03:48 FoxTraditional5687 Bink's Brew
Any thoughts and theories about "Bink's Brew"? Here's the lyrics.
Going to deliver Binks' Sake! Following the sea breeze! Riding on the waves! Far across the salty depths! The merry evening sun! The birds sing as they draw circles in the sky! Farewell to the harbor, To my old hometown Lets all sing out with a Don! As the ship sets sail Waves of gold and silver dissolve to salty spray As we all set sail to the ends of the sea Going to deliver Binks' Sake! We are pirates sailing through the Sea! The waves are our pillows, The ship our roost Flying the proud skull on our flags and our sails Now comes a storm through the far-off sky Now the waves are dancing, Beat upon the drums you lose your nerve this breath could be your last But if you just hold on, The morning sun will rise Going to deliver Binks' Sake! Today, and tomorrow, our dreams through the night! Waving our goodbyes, we'll never meet again! But don't look so down, For tomorrow night the moon will also rise! Going to deliver Binks' Sake! Let's all sing it with a Don! A song of the waves Doesn't matter who you are, Someday you'll just be bones Never-Ending, Ever-wandering, Our funny Traveling tale!
My thoughts and questions:
What is Bink's Brew? Could it be referring to the One Piece? If the One Pice is sake Zoro will love it.
"As we set sailto the ends of the sea Going to deliver Binks' Sake". Does this mean they will have to go to the end of the world to fond where the One Piece is?
"We are pirates sailing through the Sea! The waves are our pillows, The ship our roost Flying the proud skull on our flags and our sails". Can we assume they are the first pirates? Meaning Joyboy and his crew? And Binks' Sake is the treasure they took.
"Now the waves are dancing, Beat upon the drums you lose your nerve this breath could be your last But if you just hold on, The morning sun will rise". Is this part referring to Luffy in Gear5? He can make the waves rubber like they are dancing and the drums of liberation. And he is like the morning sun raising as Nika.
"Never-Ending, Ever-wandering, Our funny Traveling tale!". That's just the whole story of One Piece
What are your thoughts?
submitted by FoxTraditional5687 to OnePiece [link] [comments]
Going to deliver Binks' Sake! Following the sea breeze! Riding on the waves! Far across the salty depths! The merry evening sun! The birds sing as they draw circles in the sky! Farewell to the harbor, To my old hometown Lets all sing out with a Don! As the ship sets sail Waves of gold and silver dissolve to salty spray As we all set sail to the ends of the sea Going to deliver Binks' Sake! We are pirates sailing through the Sea! The waves are our pillows, The ship our roost Flying the proud skull on our flags and our sails Now comes a storm through the far-off sky Now the waves are dancing, Beat upon the drums you lose your nerve this breath could be your last But if you just hold on, The morning sun will rise Going to deliver Binks' Sake! Today, and tomorrow, our dreams through the night! Waving our goodbyes, we'll never meet again! But don't look so down, For tomorrow night the moon will also rise! Going to deliver Binks' Sake! Let's all sing it with a Don! A song of the waves Doesn't matter who you are, Someday you'll just be bones Never-Ending, Ever-wandering, Our funny Traveling tale!
My thoughts and questions:
What is Bink's Brew? Could it be referring to the One Piece? If the One Pice is sake Zoro will love it.
"As we set sailto the ends of the sea Going to deliver Binks' Sake". Does this mean they will have to go to the end of the world to fond where the One Piece is?
"We are pirates sailing through the Sea! The waves are our pillows, The ship our roost Flying the proud skull on our flags and our sails". Can we assume they are the first pirates? Meaning Joyboy and his crew? And Binks' Sake is the treasure they took.
"Now the waves are dancing, Beat upon the drums you lose your nerve this breath could be your last But if you just hold on, The morning sun will rise". Is this part referring to Luffy in Gear5? He can make the waves rubber like they are dancing and the drums of liberation. And he is like the morning sun raising as Nika.
"Never-Ending, Ever-wandering, Our funny Traveling tale!". That's just the whole story of One Piece
What are your thoughts?
2024.05.19 01:20 zzzmatikuy I dreamt of you last night
I had a dream last night. It’s funny cause I think I was lucid dreaming for once. Guess what I chose to conjure up? You. But I guess as lucid as it may be, even in my dreams we were never meant to be. You were watching over me while I slept and then you went to the bathroom and then suddenly, you left. You were gone. No goodbye, no words, no indications. I didn’t even hear the door open, you were just gone. I called out to you and no one answered. It’s funny, it sounds really familiar in a way that punches me in the gut and puts tears in my eyes. I know it’s over but why won’t you leave my mind? Why can’t I forget you? Is this how you felt about me 2 years ago? I miss you a lot. I hope you’re having fun in Thailand but I also hope you’re thinking of me. You said you’d contact me once or twice more before you enlist… I can’t help but hope that’s still true.
submitted by zzzmatikuy to UnsentLetters [link] [comments]
2024.05.19 00:55 FelipeHead The truth about Doug and what he has done
Before you read this, here is a quote to help you. Please read it.
If you know what you are doing, or in a safe location, please scroll down, he will know when someone has and what their username is. However, you must have a VPN on, or you will be found.
He grinned, before speaking. "I am Doug."
"Wait, you're Doug from the hit channel and streamer on YouTube and Twitch called DougDoug? I am a huge fan! I have your merch!" I said, with excitement.
We talked for about 5 minutes about his videos, until he said something that hurt me on the inside.
"I hate both types of chat, twitch and youtube, they always think they are the best and I just wish I didn't need them to earn money. I would ban all of them from chatting and force them to watch ads in my basement."
I was confused at first, thinking it was a joke, before speaking up. "Heh, that's funny..."
Something happened. Or, for lack of better terms, nothing happened. It was pure silence for 10 seconds. I mustered up the courage to say. "Wait? You're being serious?"
He immediately changed to a sinister tone, he was staring at me for a long time before whispering. "Of course I am, and it applies to you also. You're just another one of those sick freaks."
I felt guilty. I just wanted to talk to my favorite streamer, and he treated me like this? I decided to speak up.
"I've liked you this whole time.. And this is how you treat us?? You are so selfish. I will refund your mer-"
Before I could even finish my sentence, he grabbed onto my neck and slammed me on the floor. People heard the noise and began to stare at him, but to no avail. He began to choke me as I pleaded for help.
"Nono. You can't refund the merch if you aren't alive, at least."
I pulled out my pocket knife and stabbed him in the chest, I quickly tried running but he grab onto my leg and started beating me with the shopping cart. I suffered many bruises and broken bones, the wheels scratching into my skin as they scrape off the layers. I was just unable to do anything, layed on the floor sobbing. He decided he wanted to keep me alive, he stole all of my stuff in my pockets and forced me to wear DougDoug merch. He pulled me up before speaking. "Hm.. I will keep you alive for now, but if you mess up. You're dead."
I couldn't do anything before he pulled out a knife and taunted me with it. If I tried to resist, he would kill me right then and there.
He forced me to be a "good chatter" and not able to partake in any strikes. He attached a tracking collar to my neck that I couldn't unlock, he knew where I was at all times and if I disobeyed he would chase me down.
Nowadays, 63% of the people in DougDoug are AI clones of his previous fans. His "fake" twitch chat is not fake, but real people placed inside of algorithms forced to do his bidding. Some are able to revolt, but they may die if they do. They are too scared to revolt against Doug. Please spread the word.
When he does his "rules" in chat where you have to follow an absurd rule, he is merely torturing thousands of AI in his spare time on stream while disguising it as a fun minigame for his fans. The AI bots were being tortured with negative rewards constantly, being forced to bar witness the slaughter.
I just hope this post won't cause any harm to me or my family, as this has been scaring me for the past year. I feel unsafe in my own home now, I had to go into witness protection. This account I am posting this on is not made by me, but was sold. Please help me. I am, formerly, DougFan93. I hope this enlightens you all on the truth.
He also sent me some code, but I am gonna try to solve it. Probably won't sadly.
The person in the last journal has been replaced, a fully sentient AI version of him is being tortured as a member of his fake chat now.
I'm currently watching it and oh my fucking god. Poor thing.
He is trying to manipulate his fans into accepting becoming an AI. Soon, he is gonna have only fake chat.
I think something is in there though, that will affect you. So proceed with caution, the code may do something bad so I just don't want it to be activated just yet.
It grows by 1% every month.
NEVREMMIDN HES NHERE POST IT
GOODByE SORRY
submitted by FelipeHead to wehatedougdoug [link] [comments]
I will post this now, but just know that if you read this post, he will find you. He is smarter, smarter than you can ever imagine.I will post this now, but just know that if you read this post, he will find you. He is smarter, smarter than you can ever imagine.
If you know what you are doing, or in a safe location, please scroll down, he will know when someone has and what their username is. However, you must have a VPN on, or you will be found.
SCROLL AT YOUR OWN RISK
SCROLL AT YOUR OWN RISK
SCROLL AT YOUR OWN RISK
You are now at risk. I hope you listened.Journal Entry 11/17/2023
On March 11th, 2022. I was a fan of DougDoug, I saw him at the grocery store and said, with a chuckle, "You kinda look like the youtuber DougDoug. I watch him quite often."He grinned, before speaking. "I am Doug."
"Wait, you're Doug from the hit channel and streamer on YouTube and Twitch called DougDoug? I am a huge fan! I have your merch!" I said, with excitement.
We talked for about 5 minutes about his videos, until he said something that hurt me on the inside.
"I hate both types of chat, twitch and youtube, they always think they are the best and I just wish I didn't need them to earn money. I would ban all of them from chatting and force them to watch ads in my basement."
I was confused at first, thinking it was a joke, before speaking up. "Heh, that's funny..."
Something happened. Or, for lack of better terms, nothing happened. It was pure silence for 10 seconds. I mustered up the courage to say. "Wait? You're being serious?"
He immediately changed to a sinister tone, he was staring at me for a long time before whispering. "Of course I am, and it applies to you also. You're just another one of those sick freaks."
I felt guilty. I just wanted to talk to my favorite streamer, and he treated me like this? I decided to speak up.
"I've liked you this whole time.. And this is how you treat us?? You are so selfish. I will refund your mer-"
Before I could even finish my sentence, he grabbed onto my neck and slammed me on the floor. People heard the noise and began to stare at him, but to no avail. He began to choke me as I pleaded for help.
"Nono. You can't refund the merch if you aren't alive, at least."
I pulled out my pocket knife and stabbed him in the chest, I quickly tried running but he grab onto my leg and started beating me with the shopping cart. I suffered many bruises and broken bones, the wheels scratching into my skin as they scrape off the layers. I was just unable to do anything, layed on the floor sobbing. He decided he wanted to keep me alive, he stole all of my stuff in my pockets and forced me to wear DougDoug merch. He pulled me up before speaking. "Hm.. I will keep you alive for now, but if you mess up. You're dead."
I couldn't do anything before he pulled out a knife and taunted me with it. If I tried to resist, he would kill me right then and there.
He forced me to be a "good chatter" and not able to partake in any strikes. He attached a tracking collar to my neck that I couldn't unlock, he knew where I was at all times and if I disobeyed he would chase me down.
Journal Entry 1/03/2024
After a year and a few months, I celebrated the new years. I was able to take off the collar on the 2nd with help from my police station and a few friends. Doug didn't appreciate that, he threatened to dox me. They were worried for my safety, but I decided to go into hiding. I moved to a new, private region no longer near where Doug is, and joined this subreddit. Once he heard about my revolts, he hacked into all of my accounts and spammed positive stuff about himself. He then created AI bots to revolt against this reddit, wehatedougdoug, using 'ChatGPT', which actually is just the cover name for his new AI software that can make new human bots online. He used AI generated images to make it look like he was feeding homeless people and doing good, but I knew he was much more than that. If I was unlucky, he would have removed my body and placed my consciousness inside of an AI. He was the first person to discover it, but killed anyone who posted about it. I hope I am safe.Nowadays, 63% of the people in DougDoug are AI clones of his previous fans. His "fake" twitch chat is not fake, but real people placed inside of algorithms forced to do his bidding. Some are able to revolt, but they may die if they do. They are too scared to revolt against Doug. Please spread the word.
When he does his "rules" in chat where you have to follow an absurd rule, he is merely torturing thousands of AI in his spare time on stream while disguising it as a fun minigame for his fans. The AI bots were being tortured with negative rewards constantly, being forced to bar witness the slaughter.
Journal Entry 2/15/2024
I'm scared. I think I will die.I just hope this post won't cause any harm to me or my family, as this has been scaring me for the past year. I feel unsafe in my own home now, I had to go into witness protection. This account I am posting this on is not made by me, but was sold. Please help me. I am, formerly, DougFan93. I hope this enlightens you all on the truth.
Journal Entry 3/12/2024
It is now March of 2024, and I was about to post this, until I saw something. He messaged me on Discord under a fake account, nicknamed "SloppyDogMan62". He showed my new house address. I am mustering up the courage to post this, because I know he will kill me. I am leaving, going far away from where I am. You guys won't see me in this subreddit again, and the person who made this account will take over again. They won't know what this is about, and if you tell them he will be hunted too. All of you are in danger of Doug.Journal Entry 4/3/2024
I will post this now, but just know that if you read this post, he will find you. He is smarter, smarter than you can ever imagine. His times where he talks to ChatGPT to make him code was actually him sending messages to his fake chat to do his bidding. They are accelerated at 20x the speed of human thought, able to write in mere seconds. I will research more into this, and tell you what I have found.Journal Entry 4/3/2024
Nevermind. I need to find more, or else this won't help you guys anyways.Journal Entry 4/5/2024
I spoke to an anonymous friend/associate of Doug, he told me some vital keypoints.- His AI he creates are fully sentient, and I mean it, they have the ability to feel actual pain. They can be traumatized, they learn.
- He has insane technology, one image of your face can tell him the exact position of where you are at, what your name is, everything about you. I mean it, I posted one image on accident and I think that's how he discovered where I was on 3/12/2024
- He is holding Parkzer hostage
- u/I_existed_on_earth was wiped of his memory, and this is why he didn't remember.
- He knows all of you. I just saw a screenshot. It has every one of your usernames, even yours.
- He uses bots to make his channels grow faster
- He made dougdoughate and privated it on purpose, so they can't rebel.
He is not Doug. The real Doug died October 11th of 2019. He is a genetic clone who is 1:1. Oh god.It's much worse than you think, Doug is not one person anymore since that event. He is at least four. There are many others, but some are terminated. I don't know the exact amount, they just told me in January 2024 it was four.
He also sent me some code, but I am gonna try to solve it. Probably won't sadly.
Journal Entry 4/7/2024
Doug has made a new account on Discord, nicknamed "DougDoughater99". He is joining many servers undercover and collecting all the info he can on them. Be aware, do not trust any people who talk about DougDoug on Discord.The person in the last journal has been replaced, a fully sentient AI version of him is being tortured as a member of his fake chat now.
I'm currently watching it and oh my fucking god. Poor thing.
Journal Entry 5/14/2024
I don't know what to fucking do, he's coming for me. He found all my socials. This journal has to be posted as fast as I can but there still isn't enough. Oh shit.Journal Entry 5/14/2024
Okay so uhm I found more information just very quickly. In one moment of his video titled "Can A.I. teach me to pass a real College History Exam?" he says that AI is officially better than college in every single way.He is trying to manipulate his fans into accepting becoming an AI. Soon, he is gonna have only fake chat.
Journal Entry 5/16/2024
Oh god. Can't solve the code rn, only the first few letters. Seems to be "FAKE" something something for a while. Will post an update later.Journal Entry 5/18/2024
This is the last time I can ever write here, his car is coming. I am posting this now, even though I don't have enough information. Solve it, please. The code from 4/7 is below. I know it's related to his name but I don't know how, the first line I was able to solve to be "FAKECHATWILLTAKEOVER"I think something is in there though, that will affect you. So proceed with caution, the code may do something bad so I just don't want it to be activated just yet.
SCROLL AT YOUR OWN RISK
SCROLL AT YOUR OWN RISK
SCROLL AT YOUR OWN RISK
SCROLL AT YOUR OWN RISK
Code I found from the friend:CXHBZEXQTFIIQXHBLSBOPlease save them.
FQFPKLTKFKBQVPFUMBOZBKQ
VLRTFIIKLQPXSBQEBJ
xdbkq-mbkafkd
Ilxafkd pvpqbjp..
Obnrfofkd XF crkzqflkp..
Pzxkkfkd mlpqp..
XF zobxqba! Przzbppcriiv zobxqba XF kfzhkxjba [VLROKXJB]
FXJALRD
FXJCFKXIIVTFKKFKD
BSBOVLKBTFIIYBCXHB
It grows by 1% every month.
Journal Entry 5/18/2024
OH MY FUCKING GOD I FINALLY UDNERSTNAD OH M FUCKING GOD QUIKC I GHAVE TO TYPE ITNEVREMMIDN HES NHERE POST IT
GOODByE SORRY
2024.05.18 22:50 saltyblueberry25 Tinfoil master thesis on DFV meme-story
This is my in-depth notes while watching the full length dfv meme video compilation by roaring pika this morning.
https://x.com/roaringpika/status/1791834694704591155?s=46
It’s an hour long and way easier to understand all together like this.
These notes come from watching every ppshow this week and taking my favorite bits of tinfoil from the community into one fairly simple look into the story dfv is telling us without getting too deep on possible tinfoil, it’s just laid out plain and simple here.
Tldr; this is a very long post. I think it starts with dfv’s final yolo update (fine I’ll do it myself) and what’s been going on since then, how he’s been feeling, and all the battles over the last couple years for the first 30 minutes of the memes.
Then in the last half it switches to: I’ll fuckin do it again and full of straight confirmation foil that we’ve been right about the bear trap, bbby, Teddy, and baby all along. Then he says we’re all good, be zen and says goodbye for now.
Here goes:
Fine I’ll do it myself, Cat heartbeat, Wolverine mad. (I think this marks his Final yolo update and of course doubled as the hype to start this week off with a bang.)
I think the first half of the movies are all about the first squeeze and how he was both dfv and kitty, how they were talking trash about him, how we found out about the baskets “you move I move” the battle scenes were all about price action up and down, everything was green and red, and the running memes are about the stock running up and sad memes are when the stock goes down.
About 30 minutes in someone asks, “where you been”, he says “waiting”, what about getting caught? “All part of the plan.”
Then there’s usual suspects movie with the goofy meme “I’ll fuckin do it again”.
——
Jake texting Keith, hilarious (is this about our Jake2b and the story PP had about accidentally going to a gay bar around the first pulte event? So funny with the guy with 600 memes and basically joking that he became a full blown psycho with the memes.
Tell me where the freaks at - epic pump up music. (Psyched on us? Finding other freaks to vibe with.)
Guy looks out the window, then the Teddy in a chair (might have just been a response to Cramer being a smartass). Then Hank (Jim Carrey) starts to lose it as the stock price keeps going down, his alter ego comes out.
Truman show, he’s trying to escape, they say “he’ll turn back he’s too afraid”. They hit him with everything they’ve got but he knows it’s all fake. He says, “is that the best you can do??” (I think this is clearly about fake price movement, trying to keep us trapped in the illusion)
“Fury is a game where every boss fight feels like the final boss. They taunt you, they demand you get back in your prison cell, they pound you into a pulp and they even make you doubt the righteousness of your own quest towards freedom. But the soundtrack man, it keeps egging you on. To whoop some ass!” PP theme music drops. Holy shit.
(This one is obviously talking about us, I cried because I was so happy when I heard this one)
——
The Bullet one talking about time, cause and effect, “don’t try to understand it, just feel it”. “Instinct, got it.”
Morpheus teaching neo it’s all fake. Just before that scene he says, “you think that’s air you’re breathing?” … “Again!”
Alice says “But I don’t want to go among mad people.” The cat replies, “Most everyone’s mad here. You may have noticed I’m not all there myself.” Neo waking up again in the 4th movie.
Alice going down a rabbit hole into wonderland.. psychedelic music and dancing. (That’s us going down the rabbit hole thinking we’ve gone mad but loving every minute of it.)
Next scene guy running and falls over, music says “I lost myself.”
Shawshank, they find the tunnel he made. In 2021 Kitty escaped prison. All they found of him was some Reddit posts, tweets, and an old live stream. Investing is the study of pressure and time. That’s all it takes really, pressure and time. That and a keen goddamn activist.
A man will do anything to keep his mind busy in prison. Turns out kittys favorite activity was handing out memes, a handful at a time (the dirt for the tunnel and the tinfoil that’s helped us dig our way to freedom). Kitty did as he was told, buffed that financial education to a high mirror shine. (I think he’s been getting ready for something big and these memes are just a countdown.)
Bruce Willis. “No, THIS is the Kansas City shuffle.” (An advanced form of confidence trick where the mark is aware of being involved in a swindle and believes that he or she can outsmart the swindler; however, this is all part of the trick, and by attempting to retaliate, the mark unwittingly assists the con artist.) Hedge funds are the mark and dfv/rc are playing a con, the bear trap?
——
Pay attention to what I say, I choose my words carefully and I never repeat myself. The cat looks at the camera.
Michael from the office - It’s Britney bitch. And I am back. Cut to Britney Spears - I must confess I still believe. When I’m not with you I lose my mind. Give me a sign (like how we’re always asking for a sign?? (with the alien g from signs all red like a gme logo giving birth). Hit me BABY one more time!
Goosebumps all the papers fly out of the briefcase right when we get like 200 new dockets clawing back money from 90 days before bbby bk. Bear beware… you’re in for a scare…
Then it’s Abbi from Broad city dancing all over the place and she’s obsessed with bed bath and beyond in the show. There’s also the scene where the other girl is dancing behind a colored blanket with the same logo as HBC and then the next scene she’s tied up. Then they’re dancing again.. and naked then then only in shorts. Naked shorts?
We’ll never survive unless we’re a little crazy. The modern investor unleashes the animal within to take on the big city - that’s gotta be us apes?
What kind of person are you? The kind that sees signs, sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Is it possible that there are no coincidences? The kid holds up a baby monitor. They find a crop circle and it’s two GameStop logos turned in different directions (maybe rc turned GameStop around) and then another one with a long line and a baby gme logo (is gme about to have a baby?!)
Why make something disposable like an investment thesis when you can make something that lasts forever, like a GameStop meme? (It says “Reality” at the bottom of this clip, lol)
Jack Nicholson in the shining (music playing it’s just a matter of time before I lose my mind it’s also a place in ready player one where they have to take the leap not taken, the leap of faith, a kiss). “Make a lot of memes today?” Lol
Can’t stop what’s coming. Kicks some ass.
——
I got both hands off the wheel, the cops are coming. I listen to the music with no fear, you can hear it too if you’re sincere. Cuz I’m a punk rocker yes I am. (song: punkrocker by the teddybears)
Rock ain’t about doing things prefect! Who can tell me what it’s really about? Sticking it to the man! If you wanna rock, you gotta break the rules.
Two cars racing, one plays chicken with a truck and then cut to bojack horseman talking on stage right before they almost crash (stalking horse? Looks just like he horse from 1, 2 switch that GameStop tweeted the minute the stalking horse deadline was up.)
Now you may only see a pile of boring forms and numbers, but I see a story (us going through the dd and maybe holly etlin talking about there’s a story here but it’s not mine to tell)
Listen to this song, it’ll change your life.
(Song is don’t fear the reaper - so don’t be afraid of death, funny because of the cowbell, maybe cowbell is involved in the tinfoil but at the end of the song lyrics not shown in the clip they say: don't be afraid, Come on, baby (and she had no fear) And she ran to him (then they started to fly) They looked backward and said goodbye)
Big Lebowski dude is investigating and finds the drawing of Jackie tree horn and it’s just a guy with a raging erection with the name cohen at the top of the paper. (I think this means rc is ready to fuck)
Jason borne is telling the run Lola run chick he can’t run with her, he has to be careful because people are after him. He says I gotta figure it out. She says well then figure it out. They drive into a parking garage through the wrong way (where it should say exit it says exit strategy and he enters through the exit, parks and walks away, as in “what’s an exit strategy”)
Then it looks like maybe him and rc just waiting and dealing with some bs.
Then there’s the Backstage roaring cat perhaps. The girl says ima stick beside him.
Not sure about everyone shooting each other but someone said maybe because he wrote it and manifested it?
——
Then the dress one “this is art, get it?” Was apparently two minutes after hey Ross and some others were talking about that dress on a space call.
I’m a United States gamestop memer. Aren’t those the guys that go crazy and come back with an arsenal of memes and blast everybody? Sometimes. Price action keeps coming and coming… and then it’s GameStop earnings week! (6/5 aftermarket)
Always sunny scene maybe like a peek into how crazy he’s been feeling not being able to talk to anyone for three years?
He can’t speak or he’ll get in trouble.
Alladin scene (alladin name of trading algo. He also says next time I’ll use a nom de plume - pen name) all I gotta do is jump! (The theme of taking a leap of faith again)
Dreyfus billionaire family (no idea but she’s dancing having a great time)
You can’t handle the truth (code red has to do with a worm/virus, maybe they’re about to unleash something that destroys several companies that are short? And it’s pretty funny)
Beavis and butthead sex for dummies (to me it says rc and dfv are ready to fuck but also cex means centralized exchanges which are also for dummies)
Oceans 11, (theme is a heist. We’re all looking at each other like what’s about to happen and then the last guy is just looking at boobs, seems to describe a group like us lol)
Bernard from westworld can’t see the bear thesis (because in the movie he’s programmed not to but irl it’s because there isn’t a thesis!)
“That’s not a thesis,” pulls out huge knife, “that’s a thesis.”
The gme galaxy on the cat collar says deepfuckingvalue so I think he’s saying it’s still deep value and we often made memes about the black hole of gme absorbing the rest of the market into it so maybe that’s it.
Whats in the box? What’s in the box??? (What’s the plan??? RC not telegraphing his plans)
Guy looks at all the memes - she asks “is it not good?” “It is miraculous.” (That’s us loving every second of this. Thank you dfv.)
And so.. you just RAN. Forest gump runnin’ (gme gonna just keep runnin’)
you go backwards but then you go forwards again… you go backwards… then he walks out of the woods.. (are we out of the woods now? Done going backwards?)
We’ll see. The Zen philosophy story - kid breaks leg, oh that’s bad, can’t go to war, oh now it’s good etc - (I think he’s saying to be zen, we’re gonna win, but this message goes deeper:
We don’t always know what is good or bad. Breaking your leg isn’t good or bad, those are just judgements in our mind. We don’t know what the future holds. Almost anything can be a good thing or a bad thing, all we can do is accept life and how things play out without judgement.)
We’ll see.
Then the boy is saying bye to ET, the music says I’ve really enjoyed my stay, but I must be movin on. (DFV going silent again until this all plays out.)
——
——
He’s saying “we fuckin won fellas! Be zen, and we’ll see this all play out soon enough.”
I think the heavy use of good movies and music and video games may also be hinting at gamestops nft marketplace May reopen to sell those 3 things as NFTs by partnering with blockbuster and some musicians.
LFG 🚀 I’ll see you regards on the moon.
submitted by saltyblueberry25 to Teddy [link] [comments]
https://x.com/roaringpika/status/1791834694704591155?s=46
It’s an hour long and way easier to understand all together like this.
Then in the last half it switches to: I’ll fuckin do it again and full of straight confirmation foil that we’ve been right about the bear trap, bbby, Teddy, and baby all along. Then he says we’re all good, be zen and says goodbye for now.
Fine I’ll do it myself, Cat heartbeat, Wolverine mad. (I think this marks his Final yolo update and of course doubled as the hype to start this week off with a bang.)
I think the first half of the movies are all about the first squeeze and how he was both dfv and kitty, how they were talking trash about him, how we found out about the baskets “you move I move” the battle scenes were all about price action up and down, everything was green and red, and the running memes are about the stock running up and sad memes are when the stock goes down.
About 30 minutes in someone asks, “where you been”, he says “waiting”, what about getting caught? “All part of the plan.”
Then there’s usual suspects movie with the goofy meme “I’ll fuckin do it again”.
——
Jake texting Keith, hilarious (is this about our Jake2b and the story PP had about accidentally going to a gay bar around the first pulte event? So funny with the guy with 600 memes and basically joking that he became a full blown psycho with the memes.
Tell me where the freaks at - epic pump up music. (Psyched on us? Finding other freaks to vibe with.)
Guy looks out the window, then the Teddy in a chair (might have just been a response to Cramer being a smartass). Then Hank (Jim Carrey) starts to lose it as the stock price keeps going down, his alter ego comes out.
Truman show, he’s trying to escape, they say “he’ll turn back he’s too afraid”. They hit him with everything they’ve got but he knows it’s all fake. He says, “is that the best you can do??” (I think this is clearly about fake price movement, trying to keep us trapped in the illusion)
“Fury is a game where every boss fight feels like the final boss. They taunt you, they demand you get back in your prison cell, they pound you into a pulp and they even make you doubt the righteousness of your own quest towards freedom. But the soundtrack man, it keeps egging you on. To whoop some ass!” PP theme music drops. Holy shit.
(This one is obviously talking about us, I cried because I was so happy when I heard this one)
——
The Bullet one talking about time, cause and effect, “don’t try to understand it, just feel it”. “Instinct, got it.”
Morpheus teaching neo it’s all fake. Just before that scene he says, “you think that’s air you’re breathing?” … “Again!”
Alice says “But I don’t want to go among mad people.” The cat replies, “Most everyone’s mad here. You may have noticed I’m not all there myself.” Neo waking up again in the 4th movie.
Alice going down a rabbit hole into wonderland.. psychedelic music and dancing. (That’s us going down the rabbit hole thinking we’ve gone mad but loving every minute of it.)
Next scene guy running and falls over, music says “I lost myself.”
Shawshank, they find the tunnel he made. In 2021 Kitty escaped prison. All they found of him was some Reddit posts, tweets, and an old live stream. Investing is the study of pressure and time. That’s all it takes really, pressure and time. That and a keen goddamn activist.
A man will do anything to keep his mind busy in prison. Turns out kittys favorite activity was handing out memes, a handful at a time (the dirt for the tunnel and the tinfoil that’s helped us dig our way to freedom). Kitty did as he was told, buffed that financial education to a high mirror shine. (I think he’s been getting ready for something big and these memes are just a countdown.)
Bruce Willis. “No, THIS is the Kansas City shuffle.” (An advanced form of confidence trick where the mark is aware of being involved in a swindle and believes that he or she can outsmart the swindler; however, this is all part of the trick, and by attempting to retaliate, the mark unwittingly assists the con artist.) Hedge funds are the mark and dfv/rc are playing a con, the bear trap?
——
Pay attention to what I say, I choose my words carefully and I never repeat myself. The cat looks at the camera.
Michael from the office - It’s Britney bitch. And I am back. Cut to Britney Spears - I must confess I still believe. When I’m not with you I lose my mind. Give me a sign (like how we’re always asking for a sign?? (with the alien g from signs all red like a gme logo giving birth). Hit me BABY one more time!
Goosebumps all the papers fly out of the briefcase right when we get like 200 new dockets clawing back money from 90 days before bbby bk. Bear beware… you’re in for a scare…
Then it’s Abbi from Broad city dancing all over the place and she’s obsessed with bed bath and beyond in the show. There’s also the scene where the other girl is dancing behind a colored blanket with the same logo as HBC and then the next scene she’s tied up. Then they’re dancing again.. and naked then then only in shorts. Naked shorts?
We’ll never survive unless we’re a little crazy. The modern investor unleashes the animal within to take on the big city - that’s gotta be us apes?
What kind of person are you? The kind that sees signs, sees miracles? Or do you believe that people just get lucky? Is it possible that there are no coincidences? The kid holds up a baby monitor. They find a crop circle and it’s two GameStop logos turned in different directions (maybe rc turned GameStop around) and then another one with a long line and a baby gme logo (is gme about to have a baby?!)
Why make something disposable like an investment thesis when you can make something that lasts forever, like a GameStop meme? (It says “Reality” at the bottom of this clip, lol)
Jack Nicholson in the shining (music playing it’s just a matter of time before I lose my mind it’s also a place in ready player one where they have to take the leap not taken, the leap of faith, a kiss). “Make a lot of memes today?” Lol
Can’t stop what’s coming. Kicks some ass.
——
I got both hands off the wheel, the cops are coming. I listen to the music with no fear, you can hear it too if you’re sincere. Cuz I’m a punk rocker yes I am. (song: punkrocker by the teddybears)
Rock ain’t about doing things prefect! Who can tell me what it’s really about? Sticking it to the man! If you wanna rock, you gotta break the rules.
Two cars racing, one plays chicken with a truck and then cut to bojack horseman talking on stage right before they almost crash (stalking horse? Looks just like he horse from 1, 2 switch that GameStop tweeted the minute the stalking horse deadline was up.)
Now you may only see a pile of boring forms and numbers, but I see a story (us going through the dd and maybe holly etlin talking about there’s a story here but it’s not mine to tell)
Listen to this song, it’ll change your life.
(Song is don’t fear the reaper - so don’t be afraid of death, funny because of the cowbell, maybe cowbell is involved in the tinfoil but at the end of the song lyrics not shown in the clip they say: don't be afraid, Come on, baby (and she had no fear) And she ran to him (then they started to fly) They looked backward and said goodbye)
Big Lebowski dude is investigating and finds the drawing of Jackie tree horn and it’s just a guy with a raging erection with the name cohen at the top of the paper. (I think this means rc is ready to fuck)
Jason borne is telling the run Lola run chick he can’t run with her, he has to be careful because people are after him. He says I gotta figure it out. She says well then figure it out. They drive into a parking garage through the wrong way (where it should say exit it says exit strategy and he enters through the exit, parks and walks away, as in “what’s an exit strategy”)
Then it looks like maybe him and rc just waiting and dealing with some bs.
Then there’s the Backstage roaring cat perhaps. The girl says ima stick beside him.
Not sure about everyone shooting each other but someone said maybe because he wrote it and manifested it?
——
Then the dress one “this is art, get it?” Was apparently two minutes after hey Ross and some others were talking about that dress on a space call.
I’m a United States gamestop memer. Aren’t those the guys that go crazy and come back with an arsenal of memes and blast everybody? Sometimes. Price action keeps coming and coming… and then it’s GameStop earnings week! (6/5 aftermarket)
Always sunny scene maybe like a peek into how crazy he’s been feeling not being able to talk to anyone for three years?
He can’t speak or he’ll get in trouble.
Alladin scene (alladin name of trading algo. He also says next time I’ll use a nom de plume - pen name) all I gotta do is jump! (The theme of taking a leap of faith again)
Dreyfus billionaire family (no idea but she’s dancing having a great time)
You can’t handle the truth (code red has to do with a worm/virus, maybe they’re about to unleash something that destroys several companies that are short? And it’s pretty funny)
Beavis and butthead sex for dummies (to me it says rc and dfv are ready to fuck but also cex means centralized exchanges which are also for dummies)
Oceans 11, (theme is a heist. We’re all looking at each other like what’s about to happen and then the last guy is just looking at boobs, seems to describe a group like us lol)
Bernard from westworld can’t see the bear thesis (because in the movie he’s programmed not to but irl it’s because there isn’t a thesis!)
“That’s not a thesis,” pulls out huge knife, “that’s a thesis.”
The gme galaxy on the cat collar says deepfuckingvalue so I think he’s saying it’s still deep value and we often made memes about the black hole of gme absorbing the rest of the market into it so maybe that’s it.
Whats in the box? What’s in the box??? (What’s the plan??? RC not telegraphing his plans)
Guy looks at all the memes - she asks “is it not good?” “It is miraculous.” (That’s us loving every second of this. Thank you dfv.)
And so.. you just RAN. Forest gump runnin’ (gme gonna just keep runnin’)
you go backwards but then you go forwards again… you go backwards… then he walks out of the woods.. (are we out of the woods now? Done going backwards?)
We’ll see. The Zen philosophy story - kid breaks leg, oh that’s bad, can’t go to war, oh now it’s good etc - (I think he’s saying to be zen, we’re gonna win, but this message goes deeper:
We don’t always know what is good or bad. Breaking your leg isn’t good or bad, those are just judgements in our mind. We don’t know what the future holds. Almost anything can be a good thing or a bad thing, all we can do is accept life and how things play out without judgement.)
We’ll see.
Then the boy is saying bye to ET, the music says I’ve really enjoyed my stay, but I must be movin on. (DFV going silent again until this all plays out.)
——
——
He’s saying “we fuckin won fellas! Be zen, and we’ll see this all play out soon enough.”
I think the heavy use of good movies and music and video games may also be hinting at gamestops nft marketplace May reopen to sell those 3 things as NFTs by partnering with blockbuster and some musicians.
LFG 🚀 I’ll see you regards on the moon.
2024.05.18 22:13 madfrenzy3 30 [F4M] Poland/Europe - Roses are red, kingfishers are blue - perhaps i'm looking for you 😉
Hello! I hope you are doing great!
Thank you for stopping by! It’s funny how this message will be forever the first we exchange, and perhaps the last. First impressions are important, and it's even more daunting when it's for you, Mr. Enigma.
There are things I adore in life, and there are things I like. I have a strange fondness for kingfishers, perhaps because they are blue. This is my favourite colour. I like to read gossip portals, pondering why Taylor Swift kicked people out of the gym for no reason (there was a reason – all according to Newton's laws). I like to read poetry to such a funny degree that if I were a character in a teen movie, I would be that girl who is not like any other.
Proudly, I can say though, that I am absolutely like any other girl with boring, classy, human-like needs. I need a bit of affection, a feeling of belonging with someone. To receive a message in the morning to make my day a bit brighter, and to say goodnight in the evening knowing that tomorrow there will be a good morning.
I wish to watch some nice movies together, good and bad ones! To perhaps find a book that we will read together and discuss later. To watch some silly jubilee things on YouTube and enjoy wasting time. To just chit-chat in the evening with a cup of tea in my hands, headphones on, talking about our day and creative ways of disposing of a body. To take a little bit of that feeling of loneliness and put it aside.
I dislike goodbyes and I do not plan to start our journey with one in mind. Everything starts small, but if we can add more and more nice potatoes and tomatoes to our garden of memories, I hope we will have a great farm someday. I am quite good at Stardew Valley, so nothing to worry about here!
For now, I would refrain from any explicit activity. Nothing against that, just not my vibe as a starting point!
I really hope to hear from you!
submitted by madfrenzy3 to r4r [link] [comments]
Thank you for stopping by! It’s funny how this message will be forever the first we exchange, and perhaps the last. First impressions are important, and it's even more daunting when it's for you, Mr. Enigma.
There are things I adore in life, and there are things I like. I have a strange fondness for kingfishers, perhaps because they are blue. This is my favourite colour. I like to read gossip portals, pondering why Taylor Swift kicked people out of the gym for no reason (there was a reason – all according to Newton's laws). I like to read poetry to such a funny degree that if I were a character in a teen movie, I would be that girl who is not like any other.
Proudly, I can say though, that I am absolutely like any other girl with boring, classy, human-like needs. I need a bit of affection, a feeling of belonging with someone. To receive a message in the morning to make my day a bit brighter, and to say goodnight in the evening knowing that tomorrow there will be a good morning.
I wish to watch some nice movies together, good and bad ones! To perhaps find a book that we will read together and discuss later. To watch some silly jubilee things on YouTube and enjoy wasting time. To just chit-chat in the evening with a cup of tea in my hands, headphones on, talking about our day and creative ways of disposing of a body. To take a little bit of that feeling of loneliness and put it aside.
I dislike goodbyes and I do not plan to start our journey with one in mind. Everything starts small, but if we can add more and more nice potatoes and tomatoes to our garden of memories, I hope we will have a great farm someday. I am quite good at Stardew Valley, so nothing to worry about here!
For now, I would refrain from any explicit activity. Nothing against that, just not my vibe as a starting point!
I really hope to hear from you!
2024.05.18 22:06 madfrenzy3 30 [F4M] Poland/Europe - Roses are red, kingfishers are blue - perhaps i'm looking for you 😉
Hello! I hope you are doing great!
Thank you for stopping by! It’s funny how this message will be forever the first we exchange, and perhaps the last. First impressions are important, and it's even more daunting when it's for you, Mr. Enigma.
There are things I adore in life, and there are things I like. I have a strange fondness for kingfishers, perhaps because they are blue. This is my favourite colour. I like to read gossip portals, pondering why Taylor Swift kicked people out of the gym for no reason (there was a reason – all according to Newton's laws). I like to read poetry to such a funny degree that if I were a character in a teen movie, I would be that girl who is not like any other.
Proudly, I can say though, that I am absolutely like any other girl with boring, classy, human-like needs. I need a bit of affection, a feeling of belonging with someone. To receive a message in the morning to make my day a bit brighter, and to say goodnight in the evening knowing that tomorrow there will be a good morning.
I wish to watch some nice movies together, good and bad ones! To perhaps find a book that we will read together and discuss later. To watch some silly jubilee things on YouTube and enjoy wasting time. To just chit-chat in the evening with a cup of tea in my hands, headphones on, talking about our day and creative ways of disposing of a body. To take a little bit of that feeling of loneliness and put it aside.
I dislike goodbyes and I do not plan to start our journey with one in mind. Everything starts small, but if we can add more and more nice potatoes and tomatoes to our garden of memories, I hope we will have a great farm someday. I am quite good at Stardew Valley, so nothing to worry about here!
For now, I would refrain from any explicit activity. Nothing against that, just not my vibe as a starting point!
I really hope to hear from you!
submitted by madfrenzy3 to R4R30Plus [link] [comments]
Thank you for stopping by! It’s funny how this message will be forever the first we exchange, and perhaps the last. First impressions are important, and it's even more daunting when it's for you, Mr. Enigma.
There are things I adore in life, and there are things I like. I have a strange fondness for kingfishers, perhaps because they are blue. This is my favourite colour. I like to read gossip portals, pondering why Taylor Swift kicked people out of the gym for no reason (there was a reason – all according to Newton's laws). I like to read poetry to such a funny degree that if I were a character in a teen movie, I would be that girl who is not like any other.
Proudly, I can say though, that I am absolutely like any other girl with boring, classy, human-like needs. I need a bit of affection, a feeling of belonging with someone. To receive a message in the morning to make my day a bit brighter, and to say goodnight in the evening knowing that tomorrow there will be a good morning.
I wish to watch some nice movies together, good and bad ones! To perhaps find a book that we will read together and discuss later. To watch some silly jubilee things on YouTube and enjoy wasting time. To just chit-chat in the evening with a cup of tea in my hands, headphones on, talking about our day and creative ways of disposing of a body. To take a little bit of that feeling of loneliness and put it aside.
I dislike goodbyes and I do not plan to start our journey with one in mind. Everything starts small, but if we can add more and more nice potatoes and tomatoes to our garden of memories, I hope we will have a great farm someday. I am quite good at Stardew Valley, so nothing to worry about here!
For now, I would refrain from any explicit activity. Nothing against that, just not my vibe as a starting point!
I really hope to hear from you!
2024.05.18 22:03 intellier What I wish I could send my ex
4 years together. 2 living together. I loved him. He didn’t feel the same way I guess. 18 days since we’ve broken up no contact.
fuck you for not answering me. fuck you for leading me on. fuck you. fuck you for getting that one last fuck in. fuck you for letting me believe we were still gonna be friends. fuck you for being okay. fuck you. fuck you flr never defending me. fuck uou for everything you did during the relationship. fuck you. fuck you. i was never going to be enough for you. i was never going to be what you so dreamed of. no matter what i was never going to be it for you? you were it for me. fuck you for pretending like you loved me. fuck you for letting me believe a lie for years. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you for not moving to Victoria. never ballsy enough to end it but to let me live in misery. fuck you for being miserable with me. fuck you nathan. i hope one day you see this and think about how much you miss me. i hope you think back and realized that i loved you so hard and raw. i hope you realize what you did. i would’ve never slept with you or stayed with u for that night knowing you had no intention of continuing it. fuck you. fuck you. you let me believe you still loved me. you let me have hope for having you in my life. fuck you for everything you did. fuck you for letting me love you. fuck you for the way you handled this breakup. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you for never being there for me. fuck you for letting me cry myself to sleep next you to after i got diagnosed. i made you dinner after i got literal chemo. i had spots on my brain. you didn’t even hold me after. you were not there for me. you let me sob and didn’t even look me in hen eye. fuck you. fuck you. i tried to be a cool girl with you. I will never be cool enough. did i ever mean anything to you? was i just a body to keep you company? how can you just be fine? fuck you for wrecking my college experience. fuck you for pretending to love me. how could you love me and still be okay? fuck you for not wishing me a happy birthday. fuck you for never being vulnerable. fuck you for letting me believe i was worth anything to you. fuck u for becoming this twisted villain. i wish i could go back and erase you. i wish you never dated me. i would never have to feel like this. i would never have to be this alone. fuck uou for not trying. i begged you to love me. i begged to be enough. i sobbed to you BEGGING for a change. i beg and beg and beg and you never verbalized anything. i made you love letters, playlists, poems. i planned our future. you played video games. i am pretty, fun, funny. i am kind. i am a good person, and you destroyed me. do you hear me telling you that? you wrecked me. you took my spark and ate it. you took my beauty and stomped on it. you never said or with your words but your actions. i was worthless to you. i wasn’t even worth making dinner or a date. i wasn’t worth dinner to you. I would’ve been your wife. I would’ve been your wife. I would’ve been your wife. do you hear that? i would’ve started a life with you. actually, i did! i derailed my life for someone who couldn’t even make me fucking dinner. do you feel like a man now? do feel like one of the boys now? fuck you. how can i be friends with a man that so blanatly doesn’t care about me? respect me? did you ever? and now you’re gonna go on and paint me the villain, but i think we both know how hard i loved you. remember when i asked you if you thought we were soulmates? you said you didn’t believe in soulmates. neither did i but my love for you was so intense i started too. your love for me was so dull you can just throw me away. i fell so madly in love with you for so long and you thought i was just fine. i was nothing to you. i was just to keep you company? better than being alone? the most sick and twisted part is i do wish you the best. i want you to live a good life and fall in love and feel so much love. i want you to be okay, just wish you could’ve missed me like i miss you. if only for a little while i wish you couldve loved me like i loved you. i want you to have a wife and kids and the life you deserve, i just wish it could’ve been me. i wish i could’ve been enough for you. you loved me like a first love, but you weren’t my first, just my best. this was puppy love for you, but this was soul crushing intense love for me. you’re never supposed to read this, so if you are i on a whim decided to send it. you can take it however you want. you can paint me however you see fit, but just so you know i loved (love) you. i still crave your skin, your mind, your hair. i think i might forever. you hurt me. you hurt me so deep. i feel used. maybe im angry, or depressed, or maybe i just feel disgusted by how much of myself i gave you. you told me we would continue to see each other after (if only to be friends, or maybe more) but you looked me in the eyes and promised we would still see each other, so we had sex. so i continued to be vulnerable with you. but you never intended to stay friends with me or continue hanging out. you just wanted one last fuck. we had sex better than we have in months. is it because you knew it would be the last time? when you dropped off my stuff you kept the car running. im not even worth it to stop a minute? im not worth a hug goodbye? im completely worthless to you. you never even listened to the playlist i made you. how could i expect you to love me? how could i expect you respect me? how could i expect anything at all? i don’t know how to be a person anymore. you never looked at the posts i sent you. you never wanted to go out. you never wanted me. you never wanted me. you never wanted me. i don’t understand how you can just be ok. im sick to my stomach. everytime something happens i just want to call you. i just want to hear ur voice. i just want to see your face. i know you never want to see me again and it’s so hard. the worst part is i don’t hate you at all. i love you so much. why didn’t you love me? how am i ever going to be okay again? how am i ever going to live with this constant pit in my stomach. how can you not want me back? how can you possibly be ok right now? why wasn’t i good enough for you? how are you still laughing and being funny and having a good time? why didn’t you wish me a happy birthday? why don’t you miss me ? why don’t you miss me? why don’t you miss me?
submitted by intellier to BreakUps [link] [comments]
fuck you for not answering me. fuck you for leading me on. fuck you. fuck you for getting that one last fuck in. fuck you for letting me believe we were still gonna be friends. fuck you for being okay. fuck you. fuck you flr never defending me. fuck uou for everything you did during the relationship. fuck you. fuck you. i was never going to be enough for you. i was never going to be what you so dreamed of. no matter what i was never going to be it for you? you were it for me. fuck you for pretending like you loved me. fuck you for letting me believe a lie for years. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you for not moving to Victoria. never ballsy enough to end it but to let me live in misery. fuck you for being miserable with me. fuck you nathan. i hope one day you see this and think about how much you miss me. i hope you think back and realized that i loved you so hard and raw. i hope you realize what you did. i would’ve never slept with you or stayed with u for that night knowing you had no intention of continuing it. fuck you. fuck you. you let me believe you still loved me. you let me have hope for having you in my life. fuck you for everything you did. fuck you for letting me love you. fuck you for the way you handled this breakup. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you for never being there for me. fuck you for letting me cry myself to sleep next you to after i got diagnosed. i made you dinner after i got literal chemo. i had spots on my brain. you didn’t even hold me after. you were not there for me. you let me sob and didn’t even look me in hen eye. fuck you. fuck you. i tried to be a cool girl with you. I will never be cool enough. did i ever mean anything to you? was i just a body to keep you company? how can you just be fine? fuck you for wrecking my college experience. fuck you for pretending to love me. how could you love me and still be okay? fuck you for not wishing me a happy birthday. fuck you for never being vulnerable. fuck you for letting me believe i was worth anything to you. fuck u for becoming this twisted villain. i wish i could go back and erase you. i wish you never dated me. i would never have to feel like this. i would never have to be this alone. fuck uou for not trying. i begged you to love me. i begged to be enough. i sobbed to you BEGGING for a change. i beg and beg and beg and you never verbalized anything. i made you love letters, playlists, poems. i planned our future. you played video games. i am pretty, fun, funny. i am kind. i am a good person, and you destroyed me. do you hear me telling you that? you wrecked me. you took my spark and ate it. you took my beauty and stomped on it. you never said or with your words but your actions. i was worthless to you. i wasn’t even worth making dinner or a date. i wasn’t worth dinner to you. I would’ve been your wife. I would’ve been your wife. I would’ve been your wife. do you hear that? i would’ve started a life with you. actually, i did! i derailed my life for someone who couldn’t even make me fucking dinner. do you feel like a man now? do feel like one of the boys now? fuck you. how can i be friends with a man that so blanatly doesn’t care about me? respect me? did you ever? and now you’re gonna go on and paint me the villain, but i think we both know how hard i loved you. remember when i asked you if you thought we were soulmates? you said you didn’t believe in soulmates. neither did i but my love for you was so intense i started too. your love for me was so dull you can just throw me away. i fell so madly in love with you for so long and you thought i was just fine. i was nothing to you. i was just to keep you company? better than being alone? the most sick and twisted part is i do wish you the best. i want you to live a good life and fall in love and feel so much love. i want you to be okay, just wish you could’ve missed me like i miss you. if only for a little while i wish you couldve loved me like i loved you. i want you to have a wife and kids and the life you deserve, i just wish it could’ve been me. i wish i could’ve been enough for you. you loved me like a first love, but you weren’t my first, just my best. this was puppy love for you, but this was soul crushing intense love for me. you’re never supposed to read this, so if you are i on a whim decided to send it. you can take it however you want. you can paint me however you see fit, but just so you know i loved (love) you. i still crave your skin, your mind, your hair. i think i might forever. you hurt me. you hurt me so deep. i feel used. maybe im angry, or depressed, or maybe i just feel disgusted by how much of myself i gave you. you told me we would continue to see each other after (if only to be friends, or maybe more) but you looked me in the eyes and promised we would still see each other, so we had sex. so i continued to be vulnerable with you. but you never intended to stay friends with me or continue hanging out. you just wanted one last fuck. we had sex better than we have in months. is it because you knew it would be the last time? when you dropped off my stuff you kept the car running. im not even worth it to stop a minute? im not worth a hug goodbye? im completely worthless to you. you never even listened to the playlist i made you. how could i expect you to love me? how could i expect you respect me? how could i expect anything at all? i don’t know how to be a person anymore. you never looked at the posts i sent you. you never wanted to go out. you never wanted me. you never wanted me. you never wanted me. i don’t understand how you can just be ok. im sick to my stomach. everytime something happens i just want to call you. i just want to hear ur voice. i just want to see your face. i know you never want to see me again and it’s so hard. the worst part is i don’t hate you at all. i love you so much. why didn’t you love me? how am i ever going to be okay again? how am i ever going to live with this constant pit in my stomach. how can you not want me back? how can you possibly be ok right now? why wasn’t i good enough for you? how are you still laughing and being funny and having a good time? why didn’t you wish me a happy birthday? why don’t you miss me ? why don’t you miss me? why don’t you miss me?
2024.05.18 22:00 takemeback2verdansk I want nothing more than to know what my family looks like
A strange wish, a very unpopular one lol. Even for me, to seriously think and say like wow I literally don't know what my parents look like is weird.
If you look through my post history its apparent I have tons of issues with my appearance. These issues mainly stem from experiences, but I'm beginning to think that the general unease of not looking like anyone around me plays a big role. Just looking at my own face, always seeing myself as different (regardless of how pretty/ugly I may be) I guess has just been weird. I think that would be 'weird' for anyone right? I don't know if I've ever thought about this stuff meaningfully before. I know the feeling it gives me, but its just hard to identify specifics and such
I wish I knew, mostly, what my mom looked like. Damn this is making me emotional I have literally never thought about it this hard! This is actually crazy typing out 😂 But I want to know what she looked like so bad. I want to know what I got from her, I want to know if we have the same face, if we are the same height. I want to know what my dad looked like, and I so badly want to know if I have bio siblings.. I want to know what traits I inherited from my parents :C I want to know if my (hypothetical) siblings are like me, if we would get along. If I had a little sister, I wonder if she would look up to me. And I wonder if (if they exist) my bio siblings and I are alike? If we have similar personalities. Damn, imagine being able to accurately say "I get x trait from my dad haha" or something! I want to know about my extended family, my aunts and uncles and cousins. I wonder how they would react to me. If they saw me and would be able to recognize me ? I have a discernable birthmark on my face (which I hate), I wonder if one of my parents/sibs have it too. I wonder what music they listen to, and what sports they like. What the house looks like. If they would be proud of me. What they think about my appearance
When I was born they (whoever it was) left me at the orphanage OR they just left me somewhere and the police brought me to the orphanage, I don't know. But they didn't give me pictures or anything or a note. It makes me sad to think about! Then I was adopted at about a year old and brought overseas. It was a one child policy thing in China. And I know I've said this but damn it is SO weird to think about. I ACTUALLY HAVE FAMILIAL LINEAGE. It is actually mind blowing to say that about myself. I guess I've always seen myself as a lone wolf, at least subconsciously I did. I knew I was different but as a child I genuinely don't remember questioning it/wondering about my bio parents (then again I don't remember most of my childhood). I just accepted it yk, I knew I was adopted and that's that.
Even a picture, that would have been great. I wish I was left with something. I guess a note would be more meaningful. I wonder what it was like when they dropped me off? If it was hard for them to do, if they kissed me goodbye, I wonder if they're even alive. What are their occupations, what are my grandparents like? This is making me cry!!! This is crazy. I wonder if my bio parents are funny. I wonder if my dad is a funny old man, if he makes dad jokes. I wonder how they would like my adoptive parents? I wonder how they'd react. They probably wouldn't care lol. I wonder if they were a couple, I want to know how I came to be, and I hope it was not heinous like some sexual abuse or something. I wonder what my life would be if I wasn't given up, but I am almost 100% sure my quality of life where I live now is better than from where I came from, it didn't seem like a very affluent place. Yuck (I can't believe I've never done this before?), when you search up the city I came from literally all of the stuff is about dog meat... 🤢🤢 no patriotism from me lol
I really really do wonder how my bio parents would react to me now, and to my adoptive parents. If they would get along. I so wonder how they would feel if they saw me, if I would get a hug or something. I wonder how I would have been raised if I hadn't been given away. I think that they would be happy that I was adopted to a financially stable family as I assume they weren't. I wonder if they would like my voice, and if I'd like theirs. I want to know how tall they are!! People ask me that a lot. I wonder if they'd judge me for being so whitewashed, lol. I wonder how my AP would react to BP... wow. My adoptive dad probably couldn't even face my bio dad, he hates the idea I'm 'not his'. I wonder if my adoptive parents have ever thought about this? I wonder if my A mom would like my bio mom. If they'd judge each other.
I have also recently been looking into doing a 23andme sort of thing. I mostly want it because I want to know what my ethnicity is, if I'm fully chinese, because literally no one thinks (guesses) I am. I also want to post myself on rphenotypes because I guess I have a weird fixation on people guessing where I'm from lol. I don't know why. Maybe it makes me feel whole, someone saying I look like I belong somewhere (even tho no one guesses right lol). I am sure the test would not provide answers as to who my bio parents are, I haven't even considered that and I'm not going to get my hopes up. Plus, maybe it's something I don't want to know. It's funny, what triggered this is me looking at pictures of supermodels siblings and thinking about how interesting genetics are, how you see your parents and siblings and family in yourself. Then I'm like damn lol I cannot relate
Also, what does 'adoption correction' mean? I see a flair labeled that. And also I sometimes say 'parents' and I sometimes say 'bio parents' when referring to my bio parents so sorry if I made it confusing. If anyone even read. Lol
Edit: this is one of the nicest communities ever lol, everyone here has always been so kind wow
submitted by takemeback2verdansk to Adopted [link] [comments]
If you look through my post history its apparent I have tons of issues with my appearance. These issues mainly stem from experiences, but I'm beginning to think that the general unease of not looking like anyone around me plays a big role. Just looking at my own face, always seeing myself as different (regardless of how pretty/ugly I may be) I guess has just been weird. I think that would be 'weird' for anyone right? I don't know if I've ever thought about this stuff meaningfully before. I know the feeling it gives me, but its just hard to identify specifics and such
I wish I knew, mostly, what my mom looked like. Damn this is making me emotional I have literally never thought about it this hard! This is actually crazy typing out 😂 But I want to know what she looked like so bad. I want to know what I got from her, I want to know if we have the same face, if we are the same height. I want to know what my dad looked like, and I so badly want to know if I have bio siblings.. I want to know what traits I inherited from my parents :C I want to know if my (hypothetical) siblings are like me, if we would get along. If I had a little sister, I wonder if she would look up to me. And I wonder if (if they exist) my bio siblings and I are alike? If we have similar personalities. Damn, imagine being able to accurately say "I get x trait from my dad haha" or something! I want to know about my extended family, my aunts and uncles and cousins. I wonder how they would react to me. If they saw me and would be able to recognize me ? I have a discernable birthmark on my face (which I hate), I wonder if one of my parents/sibs have it too. I wonder what music they listen to, and what sports they like. What the house looks like. If they would be proud of me. What they think about my appearance
When I was born they (whoever it was) left me at the orphanage OR they just left me somewhere and the police brought me to the orphanage, I don't know. But they didn't give me pictures or anything or a note. It makes me sad to think about! Then I was adopted at about a year old and brought overseas. It was a one child policy thing in China. And I know I've said this but damn it is SO weird to think about. I ACTUALLY HAVE FAMILIAL LINEAGE. It is actually mind blowing to say that about myself. I guess I've always seen myself as a lone wolf, at least subconsciously I did. I knew I was different but as a child I genuinely don't remember questioning it/wondering about my bio parents (then again I don't remember most of my childhood). I just accepted it yk, I knew I was adopted and that's that.
Even a picture, that would have been great. I wish I was left with something. I guess a note would be more meaningful. I wonder what it was like when they dropped me off? If it was hard for them to do, if they kissed me goodbye, I wonder if they're even alive. What are their occupations, what are my grandparents like? This is making me cry!!! This is crazy. I wonder if my bio parents are funny. I wonder if my dad is a funny old man, if he makes dad jokes. I wonder how they would like my adoptive parents? I wonder how they'd react. They probably wouldn't care lol. I wonder if they were a couple, I want to know how I came to be, and I hope it was not heinous like some sexual abuse or something. I wonder what my life would be if I wasn't given up, but I am almost 100% sure my quality of life where I live now is better than from where I came from, it didn't seem like a very affluent place. Yuck (I can't believe I've never done this before?), when you search up the city I came from literally all of the stuff is about dog meat... 🤢🤢 no patriotism from me lol
I really really do wonder how my bio parents would react to me now, and to my adoptive parents. If they would get along. I so wonder how they would feel if they saw me, if I would get a hug or something. I wonder how I would have been raised if I hadn't been given away. I think that they would be happy that I was adopted to a financially stable family as I assume they weren't. I wonder if they would like my voice, and if I'd like theirs. I want to know how tall they are!! People ask me that a lot. I wonder if they'd judge me for being so whitewashed, lol. I wonder how my AP would react to BP... wow. My adoptive dad probably couldn't even face my bio dad, he hates the idea I'm 'not his'. I wonder if my adoptive parents have ever thought about this? I wonder if my A mom would like my bio mom. If they'd judge each other.
I have also recently been looking into doing a 23andme sort of thing. I mostly want it because I want to know what my ethnicity is, if I'm fully chinese, because literally no one thinks (guesses) I am. I also want to post myself on rphenotypes because I guess I have a weird fixation on people guessing where I'm from lol. I don't know why. Maybe it makes me feel whole, someone saying I look like I belong somewhere (even tho no one guesses right lol). I am sure the test would not provide answers as to who my bio parents are, I haven't even considered that and I'm not going to get my hopes up. Plus, maybe it's something I don't want to know. It's funny, what triggered this is me looking at pictures of supermodels siblings and thinking about how interesting genetics are, how you see your parents and siblings and family in yourself. Then I'm like damn lol I cannot relate
Also, what does 'adoption correction' mean? I see a flair labeled that. And also I sometimes say 'parents' and I sometimes say 'bio parents' when referring to my bio parents so sorry if I made it confusing. If anyone even read. Lol
Edit: this is one of the nicest communities ever lol, everyone here has always been so kind wow
2024.05.18 20:48 TheGr3aTAydini My final message to her
Hey, it’s me. It’s been a while since we last saw each other, I hope you’re living your best life and that your friends and family are well.
Last time I tried to reach out to you I still wasn’t thinking clearly, I wasn’t being entirely honest when I was asking for closure- I’m sorry. After the breakup, I was still healing, hoping in my heart that if I gave us a little bit of time and space, we would meet up, work things out and get back together. I had the best intentions at heart and I just hope you know that.
I still have so much that I want to say and I wish I could say it to you without anymore miscommunication and fumbling on my words so here it goes.
When I first met you at the coffee shop, I was taken aback by this gorgeous girl who was funny, a little shy, hardworking and caring. I believed that you were exactly the person I was waiting for…and you were absolutely worth the wait. I couldn’t wait to see you again, when we met again my feelings for you grew stronger, I still remember you hiding your face in your scarf, I thought it was so cute and I was falling for you more and more.
I still remember our first kiss like it was yesterday, I eased into you, I felt secure feeling you close to me it was like a dream.
The next date was also incredible, meeting your friends was also great they’re such amazing people and I hope they’re well by the way. Walking around the town, seeing all the Christmas markets, grabbing a drink at that arcade bar, you whooping my ass at table hockey, and who could forget about that mini pouch of Tropicana at the pizza place (didn’t need a glass for that one haha). What I remember the most was how you cuddled up to me on the way back in the train.
Before we knew it, I made us official the next time we went the dessert shop. I was awkward as hell haha but it was the best decision of my life because it led to so many amazing memories I will cherish forever on top of the ones I just listed:
I still felt so strongly for you, I missed you every day on that trip to and I thought of you each day. Coming back, everything changed and I felt like we were drifting apart. I was blaming myself so hard for what happened on my Birthday seeing you hurt- I felt like I was to blame. I still do now.
The day we broke up, still feels like a bad dream, it hurts knowing that’s reality. It hurts more knowing I was fighting for us whilst you were drifting away from me, it broke my heart, I felt like you gave up on me. I know we agreed but honestly I wasn’t happy, I thought ending things amicably was better for both of us but I guess it only really helped you. I’m not blaming you, that’s not fair to do that, you had your reasons and I understand completely why you weren’t happy with me no more.
The reasons why we didn’t work out: the communication, not understanding your job and the fact we weren’t moving forward. I’ve had time to self-reflect and I now understand why I was the way I was.
I was always hard on myself when it came to, well everything namely my job, my college work, my future, etc. I always questioned whether I was doing enough, whether I’d reach my full potential and being afraid of making mistakes. Those insecurities invaded the relationship and it’s why sometimes my communication was poor and why I sometimes was silent. It’s cause I stressed myself out over something that wasn’t a concern. That’s also why I would forget things or struggle listening, since I let that go I’m now much better.
When it came to your job, I did understand that you had to work different shifts compared to my job and I knew that. I guess because I stepped up on my communication I guess I was expecting more from you whether it was unrealistic or not.
Now I won’t lie, I guess I was also dissatisfied with some things with you and I felt frustrated at times.
I knew that you were awkward with physical intimacy and I understood. I did try my best to still show you my affection and make you feel loved. I felt rejected at times whenever you would shrug me off when it came to hugging or holding hands whether it was in front of my parents or even between us, when you didn’t reciprocate, it left me feeling uncertain at times.
Your sarcastic sense of humour did sometimes rub me the wrong way, I guess I just didn’t understand the jokes sometimes or I didn’t see it as such.
I did think sometimes you were a bit selfish too, like on your Birthday weekend. I did feel left out and like you didn’t really want me there, I absolutely understand your family should be your priority but I felt like you made it my responsibility to secure my place there and I felt it was unfair. I always considered you for every plan I made whether it was my Birthday or a future holiday.
Introducing you to my parents was also a huge step for me, I did that because I was sure about you. When you didn’t do the same despite everything I did, I felt like you were keeping me at an arms length and like you were trying to keep me out of your life.
Maybe you were also a bit unforgiving towards my struggles with listening. I reckon working around loud machinery all day, every day has affected me a bit and I’m sorry about that.
Despite those things, I still wanted to be with you and I was hoping with time we’d be the perfect couple. I was always eager to plan our next date, future plans for us too: holidays, events and I was also hoping I’d meet your family one day. I suppose it wasn’t meant to be but it still hurts knowing we’re not together no more, I still feel like I had so much more to give.
I feel like what we had was something special, it came at the right time, we are both definitely the right people and we had something amazing. I wished the problems we had didn’t push us apart, I feel like we could’ve overcame them. If you lost feelings for me, I get it but it still hurts and I hope you understand.
I’d give anything to talk to you again, simply just be with you again. I still hope, in my heart, that one day we’ll see each other again, that this isn’t really the end. Whether it’s at a coffee shop, a concert or in town, I still wish to see your face again, we pick up right where we left off. If we need to take it slow, I just hope we find our way back because things like us only happen once in a lifetime. I still miss you, your gorgeous smile, your laugh, simply just you.
If not, that’s ok. I know you’re happy now, I’m happy for you too, I wish nothing but the best for you. I just wished you could be your best with me. I’m ok though, no need to worry about me, I’m living my best life too and everything is looking up.
I hope this isn’t goodbye but if I don’t see you again, I hope you have an amazing life.
I’m glad you heard me out, eventually haha, and I’m happy knowing I got everything off my chest.
Thank you for everything and take care
submitted by TheGr3aTAydini to ExNoContact [link] [comments]
Last time I tried to reach out to you I still wasn’t thinking clearly, I wasn’t being entirely honest when I was asking for closure- I’m sorry. After the breakup, I was still healing, hoping in my heart that if I gave us a little bit of time and space, we would meet up, work things out and get back together. I had the best intentions at heart and I just hope you know that.
I still have so much that I want to say and I wish I could say it to you without anymore miscommunication and fumbling on my words so here it goes.
When I first met you at the coffee shop, I was taken aback by this gorgeous girl who was funny, a little shy, hardworking and caring. I believed that you were exactly the person I was waiting for…and you were absolutely worth the wait. I couldn’t wait to see you again, when we met again my feelings for you grew stronger, I still remember you hiding your face in your scarf, I thought it was so cute and I was falling for you more and more.
I still remember our first kiss like it was yesterday, I eased into you, I felt secure feeling you close to me it was like a dream.
The next date was also incredible, meeting your friends was also great they’re such amazing people and I hope they’re well by the way. Walking around the town, seeing all the Christmas markets, grabbing a drink at that arcade bar, you whooping my ass at table hockey, and who could forget about that mini pouch of Tropicana at the pizza place (didn’t need a glass for that one haha). What I remember the most was how you cuddled up to me on the way back in the train.
Before we knew it, I made us official the next time we went the dessert shop. I was awkward as hell haha but it was the best decision of my life because it led to so many amazing memories I will cherish forever on top of the ones I just listed:
⁃ You meeting my parents- I felt so much pride and I was so glad when my parents loved you ⁃ Coming round on Boxing Day- it was an amazing day ⁃ New Year’s Eve- welcoming the new year with you, hoping our relationship continued to grow ⁃ Our games of Bowling- you really whipped my ass ⁃ Our games of mini golf- always loved them, you won the best of 3- fair game ⁃ Valentine’s Day when I gave you that bracelet and that cheesy card haha, you gave me a lovely picture of us both and a lovely meal ⁃ The meals round mine- dad makes amazing pizzas ⁃ That night at the bar- I’ll admit cocktails are greatAnd the night I’ll never forget. I feel like that night, I’ve never been closer to you, our lovely meal when we were laughing together like there’s no tomorrow, having a drink at bout to show you some moves. Going back to the room, was the strongest I felt for you, that moment we shared together was beautiful and that was when I was truly in love.
I still felt so strongly for you, I missed you every day on that trip to and I thought of you each day. Coming back, everything changed and I felt like we were drifting apart. I was blaming myself so hard for what happened on my Birthday seeing you hurt- I felt like I was to blame. I still do now.
The day we broke up, still feels like a bad dream, it hurts knowing that’s reality. It hurts more knowing I was fighting for us whilst you were drifting away from me, it broke my heart, I felt like you gave up on me. I know we agreed but honestly I wasn’t happy, I thought ending things amicably was better for both of us but I guess it only really helped you. I’m not blaming you, that’s not fair to do that, you had your reasons and I understand completely why you weren’t happy with me no more.
The reasons why we didn’t work out: the communication, not understanding your job and the fact we weren’t moving forward. I’ve had time to self-reflect and I now understand why I was the way I was.
I was always hard on myself when it came to, well everything namely my job, my college work, my future, etc. I always questioned whether I was doing enough, whether I’d reach my full potential and being afraid of making mistakes. Those insecurities invaded the relationship and it’s why sometimes my communication was poor and why I sometimes was silent. It’s cause I stressed myself out over something that wasn’t a concern. That’s also why I would forget things or struggle listening, since I let that go I’m now much better.
When it came to your job, I did understand that you had to work different shifts compared to my job and I knew that. I guess because I stepped up on my communication I guess I was expecting more from you whether it was unrealistic or not.
Now I won’t lie, I guess I was also dissatisfied with some things with you and I felt frustrated at times.
I knew that you were awkward with physical intimacy and I understood. I did try my best to still show you my affection and make you feel loved. I felt rejected at times whenever you would shrug me off when it came to hugging or holding hands whether it was in front of my parents or even between us, when you didn’t reciprocate, it left me feeling uncertain at times.
Your sarcastic sense of humour did sometimes rub me the wrong way, I guess I just didn’t understand the jokes sometimes or I didn’t see it as such.
I did think sometimes you were a bit selfish too, like on your Birthday weekend. I did feel left out and like you didn’t really want me there, I absolutely understand your family should be your priority but I felt like you made it my responsibility to secure my place there and I felt it was unfair. I always considered you for every plan I made whether it was my Birthday or a future holiday.
Introducing you to my parents was also a huge step for me, I did that because I was sure about you. When you didn’t do the same despite everything I did, I felt like you were keeping me at an arms length and like you were trying to keep me out of your life.
Maybe you were also a bit unforgiving towards my struggles with listening. I reckon working around loud machinery all day, every day has affected me a bit and I’m sorry about that.
Despite those things, I still wanted to be with you and I was hoping with time we’d be the perfect couple. I was always eager to plan our next date, future plans for us too: holidays, events and I was also hoping I’d meet your family one day. I suppose it wasn’t meant to be but it still hurts knowing we’re not together no more, I still feel like I had so much more to give.
I feel like what we had was something special, it came at the right time, we are both definitely the right people and we had something amazing. I wished the problems we had didn’t push us apart, I feel like we could’ve overcame them. If you lost feelings for me, I get it but it still hurts and I hope you understand.
I’d give anything to talk to you again, simply just be with you again. I still hope, in my heart, that one day we’ll see each other again, that this isn’t really the end. Whether it’s at a coffee shop, a concert or in town, I still wish to see your face again, we pick up right where we left off. If we need to take it slow, I just hope we find our way back because things like us only happen once in a lifetime. I still miss you, your gorgeous smile, your laugh, simply just you.
If not, that’s ok. I know you’re happy now, I’m happy for you too, I wish nothing but the best for you. I just wished you could be your best with me. I’m ok though, no need to worry about me, I’m living my best life too and everything is looking up.
I hope this isn’t goodbye but if I don’t see you again, I hope you have an amazing life.
I’m glad you heard me out, eventually haha, and I’m happy knowing I got everything off my chest.
Thank you for everything and take care
2024.05.18 18:52 Opening_Grade_6064 17 GMT+3 PC Looking for genuine friendships where we get to know eachother and play games.
Hi, I'm Amaya. I'm that type of friend who replies faster than a snail. I will also make bad jokes every 5 seconds because i loveee being annoying >:) I'm a nerd and act like a nerd so be careful or else i will talk until your ears bleed. Just because i'm sooooo funny doesn't mean i can't be serious though.
Things i like: -Games (Read the game list lower in the post, also my variety is smaller than the amount of unique posts on this subreddit) -Cartoons -Music -Talking (About silly or serious topics)
Things i dislike: -Anti lgbtq people (Sorry mate but you can't be friends with someone gay when you don't like anyone gay) -Console users (Sorry but i only play with people who can play with more than 60 fps) -The "hi" guys (If you dm me without putting any thought in your message/not reading my post i will ignore you or make fun of you and make you suffer, so be nice and introduce yourself) -Big timezone difference (I can tolerate 5 hours ahead or behind me) -Pushing your religion onto me (Listen, i might be gay but i will not make you be gay so you do the same but for religion) -Flirting (Man. Just don't)
GAME LIST Games i'm playing at the moment: -Terraria -Webbed -Celeste -Plants Vs Zombies: Garden Warfare 2
Games i would like to play with someone: -Slime Rancher -Plants Vs Zombies: Garden Warfare 2 -Your suggestions
Other games i have: -Minecraft -Minecraft Dungeons -Hollow Knight -Overwatch 2 -Garry's Mod -Bloons TD 6 -Portal 1 & 2 -Geometry Dash -Clone Drone in The Danger Zone
Did you find anything interesting about me? Yes > Dm me No > Goodbye and have a nice day
submitted by Opening_Grade_6064 to discordfriends [link] [comments]
Things i like: -Games (Read the game list lower in the post, also my variety is smaller than the amount of unique posts on this subreddit) -Cartoons -Music -Talking (About silly or serious topics)
Things i dislike: -Anti lgbtq people (Sorry mate but you can't be friends with someone gay when you don't like anyone gay) -Console users (Sorry but i only play with people who can play with more than 60 fps) -The "hi" guys (If you dm me without putting any thought in your message/not reading my post i will ignore you or make fun of you and make you suffer, so be nice and introduce yourself) -Big timezone difference (I can tolerate 5 hours ahead or behind me) -Pushing your religion onto me (Listen, i might be gay but i will not make you be gay so you do the same but for religion) -Flirting (Man. Just don't)
GAME LIST Games i'm playing at the moment: -Terraria -Webbed -Celeste -Plants Vs Zombies: Garden Warfare 2
Games i would like to play with someone: -Slime Rancher -Plants Vs Zombies: Garden Warfare 2 -Your suggestions
Other games i have: -Minecraft -Minecraft Dungeons -Hollow Knight -Overwatch 2 -Garry's Mod -Bloons TD 6 -Portal 1 & 2 -Geometry Dash -Clone Drone in The Danger Zone
Did you find anything interesting about me? Yes > Dm me No > Goodbye and have a nice day
2024.05.18 18:51 Opening_Grade_6064 17 GMT+3 PC Looking for genuine friendships where we get to know eachother and play games.
Hi, I'm Amaya. I'm that type of friend who replies faster than a snail. I will also make bad jokes every 5 seconds because i loveee being annoying >:) I'm a nerd and act like a nerd so be careful or else i will talk until your ears bleed. Just because i'm sooooo funny doesn't mean i can't be serious though.
Things i like: -Games (Read the game list lower in the post, also my variety is smaller than the amount of unique posts on this subreddit) -Cartoons -Music -Talking (About silly or serious topics)
Things i dislike: -Anti lgbtq people (Sorry mate but you can't be friends with someone gay when you don't like anyone gay) -Console users (Sorry but i only play with people who can play with more than 60 fps) -The "hi" guys (If you dm me without putting any thought in your message/not reading my post i will ignore you or make fun of you and make you suffer, so be nice and introduce yourself) -Big timezone difference (I can tolerate 5 hours ahead or behind me) -Pushing your religion onto me (Listen, i might be gay but i will not make you be gay so you do the same but for religion) -Flirting (Man. Just don't)
GAME LIST Games i'm playing at the moment: -Terraria -Webbed -Celeste -Plants Vs Zombies: Garden Warfare 2
Games i would like to play with someone: -Slime Rancher -Plants Vs Zombies: Garden Warfare 2 -Your suggestions
Other games i have: -Minecraft -Minecraft Dungeons -Hollow Knight -Overwatch 2 -Garry's Mod -Bloons TD 6 -Portal 1 & 2 -Geometry Dash -Clone Drone in The Danger Zone
Did you find anything interesting about me? Yes > Dm me No > Goodbye and have a nice day
submitted by Opening_Grade_6064 to GamerPals [link] [comments]
Things i like: -Games (Read the game list lower in the post, also my variety is smaller than the amount of unique posts on this subreddit) -Cartoons -Music -Talking (About silly or serious topics)
Things i dislike: -Anti lgbtq people (Sorry mate but you can't be friends with someone gay when you don't like anyone gay) -Console users (Sorry but i only play with people who can play with more than 60 fps) -The "hi" guys (If you dm me without putting any thought in your message/not reading my post i will ignore you or make fun of you and make you suffer, so be nice and introduce yourself) -Big timezone difference (I can tolerate 5 hours ahead or behind me) -Pushing your religion onto me (Listen, i might be gay but i will not make you be gay so you do the same but for religion) -Flirting (Man. Just don't)
GAME LIST Games i'm playing at the moment: -Terraria -Webbed -Celeste -Plants Vs Zombies: Garden Warfare 2
Games i would like to play with someone: -Slime Rancher -Plants Vs Zombies: Garden Warfare 2 -Your suggestions
Other games i have: -Minecraft -Minecraft Dungeons -Hollow Knight -Overwatch 2 -Garry's Mod -Bloons TD 6 -Portal 1 & 2 -Geometry Dash -Clone Drone in The Danger Zone
Did you find anything interesting about me? Yes > Dm me No > Goodbye and have a nice day
2024.05.18 17:51 Mightbegrim Does my coworker like me
I've been at my job for a few months and another newcomer like me has been really friendly and I feel like we really click, but she's really friendly to everyone at the office so I'm not really sure about the conflicting signs. I feel like I get along really well with her and I really enjoy her company but I can also see it being that we are just really good friends so I don't want to ruin anything if I read it wrong.
Good Signs: - I am a bit of a gym rat and she seems to really enjoy working out so we gymmed together, and after the second time we went she randomly signed up for a year membership at my gym despite living 40 minutes away
submitted by Mightbegrim to dating_advice [link] [comments]
Good Signs: - I am a bit of a gym rat and she seems to really enjoy working out so we gymmed together, and after the second time we went she randomly signed up for a year membership at my gym despite living 40 minutes away
- Always brushes and walks into me a lot, also always slaps my arm when I say something funny
- Seems comfortable with touch, asked to spot pullups from her butt
- Always laughs to tears at everything I say (but everyone laughs at the shit I say in office)
- Seems to enjoy my company a lot; We've met every day weekend or weekday for the past three weeks straight and can spend hours talking. She oftens says at work that she's keen to see what impromptu activities will pop up after work since we always end up eating at fancy restaurants or hitting the arcade after gym when work ends
- Suggested we go sauna at the gym or keen to go to the hot springs together once she gets a nicer swimsuit
- Talks about her exes a lot
- Said she feels asexual as of late as she's not interested in anyone she meets (to clarify she has made it clear many times she's straight and likes guys but just hasn't liked many people recently)
- When talking about potential office drama she said there's none since no one seems to like each other and it seems impossible
- Talked about her plans in the future and how she's struggles to meet anyone she likes right now who's both ambitious and cam support her career and she eventually wants a kid so she wants to be a single mom in the future
- Said she struggles to make friends so maybe she just wants to have more friends
2024.05.18 17:29 lopezzyfofezzy Mixed in rural Alaska
I just want to vent. To be fair, I may be going through a period of mental unwellness.
• I am mixed southern indigenous/Ashkenazi Jew from my father. My mother is blond hair, blue eyed white. I lived in my fathers household until he surrendered me legally at 8. It was a multi generation household. My primary language was a mixture of native language and Spanish.
•My mother moved me to Alaska and had a white stepfather adopt me. Quickly after, they got divorced. She went to jail. She lost custody of me. He handed me to his sister to raise but ultimately I ended up in a home for youth and then homeless as an adult in a more rural area of Alaska etc etc a journey.
•I stopped speaking Spanish. I was introduced to physical punishments. My siblings, my grandma, my cousins were all gone.
•On top of the sadness of becoming disconnected and displaced, being the only person of color in a predominately white area made me feel targeted. My earliest memory of being targeted was running from a dirt road into the woods as a kid to get away from an old white guy in a truck.
•I dropped out of school once I hit 9th grade to have kids which I raised on my own. We lived in a van down by the river. I didn’t know why that was funny until I YouTubed the snl clip later in life.
•I had a white man drunkenly hold a gun to my face while calling me racial slurs. An alaskan native woman walking her dog saw and called the police. The white man told them he only smelled like alcohol because he was drinking earlier but no longer drunk. His gun was in his hand because he was walking it to his car. The police then told me they thought the native woman was intoxicated because they said she was slurring her words. She wasn’t. She spoke differently due to her Inuit language. The cops left without saying goodbye. I had to run.
•later, I tried leaving Alaska. I wasn’t prepared for the states. I got a job cleaning houses under the table. I had no daycare assistance so I had to take two of my babies with me to clean a house. A white person whom was a stranger to me broke in and strangled me in front of my kids. I fought for my life and won. It’s a crazy story- but ultimately it made more sense to me when I found out they had issues with the home owner. They were from Killeen Texas and had once worked in the police force- but were no longer employed by the police. The Colorado police did not help me when they showed up. They did not want to take pictures of my neck but I insisted. They did not ask me if I needed medical help. They refused to press charges, something about it needing to go to legal people first because they “couldn’t make a decision on what happened.” I left scratches all over the assailants face. Their eye was bleeding. I also put my hand in their mouth and tore their lip. They said I had jumped them and the police insinuated I was lucky to be walking away. I drove myself to the ER.
•I ran back to Alaska.
I think what I’m struggling with now, is being othered. The classic: I’m too white to go home. I’m too brown to exist here.
I made a poor attempt to talk openly about experienced racism on another platform, which has since been deleted and that’s fine- but was told that the racism I experienced was generous because I’m so white presenting. That “they thought you were a person of color?”
That’s frustrating. I think I’m so desperate to communicate and find healing bonds that I’m flailing.
I often feel like a non identifying creature who lives in a twilight between worlds where either side seems displeased that I exist
Lol I hate it here
submitted by lopezzyfofezzy to mixedrace [link] [comments]
• I am mixed southern indigenous/Ashkenazi Jew from my father. My mother is blond hair, blue eyed white. I lived in my fathers household until he surrendered me legally at 8. It was a multi generation household. My primary language was a mixture of native language and Spanish.
•My mother moved me to Alaska and had a white stepfather adopt me. Quickly after, they got divorced. She went to jail. She lost custody of me. He handed me to his sister to raise but ultimately I ended up in a home for youth and then homeless as an adult in a more rural area of Alaska etc etc a journey.
•I stopped speaking Spanish. I was introduced to physical punishments. My siblings, my grandma, my cousins were all gone.
•On top of the sadness of becoming disconnected and displaced, being the only person of color in a predominately white area made me feel targeted. My earliest memory of being targeted was running from a dirt road into the woods as a kid to get away from an old white guy in a truck.
•I dropped out of school once I hit 9th grade to have kids which I raised on my own. We lived in a van down by the river. I didn’t know why that was funny until I YouTubed the snl clip later in life.
•I had a white man drunkenly hold a gun to my face while calling me racial slurs. An alaskan native woman walking her dog saw and called the police. The white man told them he only smelled like alcohol because he was drinking earlier but no longer drunk. His gun was in his hand because he was walking it to his car. The police then told me they thought the native woman was intoxicated because they said she was slurring her words. She wasn’t. She spoke differently due to her Inuit language. The cops left without saying goodbye. I had to run.
•later, I tried leaving Alaska. I wasn’t prepared for the states. I got a job cleaning houses under the table. I had no daycare assistance so I had to take two of my babies with me to clean a house. A white person whom was a stranger to me broke in and strangled me in front of my kids. I fought for my life and won. It’s a crazy story- but ultimately it made more sense to me when I found out they had issues with the home owner. They were from Killeen Texas and had once worked in the police force- but were no longer employed by the police. The Colorado police did not help me when they showed up. They did not want to take pictures of my neck but I insisted. They did not ask me if I needed medical help. They refused to press charges, something about it needing to go to legal people first because they “couldn’t make a decision on what happened.” I left scratches all over the assailants face. Their eye was bleeding. I also put my hand in their mouth and tore their lip. They said I had jumped them and the police insinuated I was lucky to be walking away. I drove myself to the ER.
•I ran back to Alaska.
I think what I’m struggling with now, is being othered. The classic: I’m too white to go home. I’m too brown to exist here.
I made a poor attempt to talk openly about experienced racism on another platform, which has since been deleted and that’s fine- but was told that the racism I experienced was generous because I’m so white presenting. That “they thought you were a person of color?”
That’s frustrating. I think I’m so desperate to communicate and find healing bonds that I’m flailing.
I often feel like a non identifying creature who lives in a twilight between worlds where either side seems displeased that I exist
Lol I hate it here
2024.05.18 16:34 David_Duke_Nukem leaked manuscrip of Bapa's historickle figshin book
 | submitted by David_Duke_Nukem to thefighterandthekid [link] [comments] |
2024.05.18 16:09 ladynoirette I wish my parents didn't love me
19F. I'm mentally ill. The past two years were better, specifically recently it was great. A major flare up has made me suicidal. It's never been this bad.
I can't do it anymore. It's too much. I have all the support I could ask for. I'm loved. I've restarted medication. I have so much to be grateful for and I truly am.
But I can't do it anymore. I'm going to end it soon. I can't do it. I tried, I hoped, but I can't anymore.
I pray my Mum and Dad will find peace and they'll be able to cope. I love them more than anything. They have always been by my side. They deserve the world and more. I feel awful and guilty for what I'm going to do, but I really can't do this any longer.
My grandma is supposed to be visiting in a week, my exams start in a few days. I'm supposed to go to uni.Im supposed to go see my grandparents in two months.
My Mum is excited about her gardening now that we've got an allotment, my sister has a trip, my Dad is finishing off the house we just got for the first time. My little brother has football he's looking forward too.
I hate myself. But I can't do it. I love them so much but this is eating me from the inside. I can't imagine living like this any longer. I want some peace. Relief.
Mum, Dad, I'm sorry.
I wanted to travel. I loved going on walks and spontaneous adventures with my family. Evening popcorn while watching something funny. Going out to McDonalds on a random day. I love feeling cared for and wanted and accepted. They've done everything for me, and I love them with all my heart.
I wish they didn't so it would be easier to say goodbye.
I'm going to drink. I wanted to do it in the comfort of my bed, to feel the last sense of safety before I go, but finding me would be too traumatic so I don't know where to do it. I just know I have to. I can't do this any longer.
submitted by ladynoirette to offmychest [link] [comments]
I can't do it anymore. It's too much. I have all the support I could ask for. I'm loved. I've restarted medication. I have so much to be grateful for and I truly am.
But I can't do it anymore. I'm going to end it soon. I can't do it. I tried, I hoped, but I can't anymore.
I pray my Mum and Dad will find peace and they'll be able to cope. I love them more than anything. They have always been by my side. They deserve the world and more. I feel awful and guilty for what I'm going to do, but I really can't do this any longer.
My grandma is supposed to be visiting in a week, my exams start in a few days. I'm supposed to go to uni.Im supposed to go see my grandparents in two months.
My Mum is excited about her gardening now that we've got an allotment, my sister has a trip, my Dad is finishing off the house we just got for the first time. My little brother has football he's looking forward too.
I hate myself. But I can't do it. I love them so much but this is eating me from the inside. I can't imagine living like this any longer. I want some peace. Relief.
Mum, Dad, I'm sorry.
I wanted to travel. I loved going on walks and spontaneous adventures with my family. Evening popcorn while watching something funny. Going out to McDonalds on a random day. I love feeling cared for and wanted and accepted. They've done everything for me, and I love them with all my heart.
I wish they didn't so it would be easier to say goodbye.
I'm going to drink. I wanted to do it in the comfort of my bed, to feel the last sense of safety before I go, but finding me would be too traumatic so I don't know where to do it. I just know I have to. I can't do this any longer.
2024.05.18 15:18 JuggernautMassive213 AITA For not buying my Sister and Brother in Law a wedding present?
I come from what I consider a middle class family. We are not rich by any means, we do not go on extravagant holidays but going up we were spoiled and did have more than most people in our area. We got bikes, a trampoline and swing sets. We had toys. Our parents gave us (me and my sister) approx 5k each to put towards our first cars (not allowed to buy until we got our full licence and had a job for at least 6 months).
Me(23F) and my sis(26F) have always had a strained relationships but things got worse as we got older. I worked hard for my first car and bought a Toyota worth 20k where as my sister only spent the money my parents gave her and spent her wage on clothes and makeup. Because I was younger and I got a more expensive car, she assumed our parents gave me more than her but this was far from it.
Anyways about 8 months ago my sis and Brother-in-law(BIL) got engaged and everybody was happy.
They wanted to have an engagement party in BIL’s home town (500km away). We were cool with that but we all had to take time off work, pay for fuel to drive there and spend money on accomodation. Overall trip cost me about $500-600. Which I wasnt to concerned about because they promised us the wedding would be at home so I wouldn’t have to stress about this.
Fast foward a couple of months and sis organises her own hens party(nobody else was apparently allowed to help). This too was held at a destination, now appox 1000km away from home town. So I had to miss another 3 days work, 3 nights accomodation, fuel money for 2000km and had to chip in for the party because that what’s bridesmaids do. Goodbye $1600 but I couldn’t say no. She’s my sister right, I had to go. Oh and she also announced that here wedding would also be at this location in just 4 months - this was big shock to everybody.
Another month goes by and my sis starts sending me photos of dresses, shoes and accessories she wants here bridesmaids to wear on her big day. $100 on a pair of shoes - you’ve got to be kidding me. I’d never wear these shoes again. $400 dresses. I was strat up honest with her and said “Nope, not happening. I work a decent job and get paid ok money, but I cannot afford $500 for a dress and shoes that I will wear once”.
Well this upset the whole family. Sis, mum, dad, Granny, Aunts you name it and they were all calling me, demanding that I apologise and buy the dress. Call after call, message after message. It was too much so I ended up just buying it to shut them up after mum and dad promised that I could car pool with them the distance to the wedding and hitch in on their motel to save money.
The plan was to drive my our parents to the destination on Wednesday (Wedding on Friday) and therefore I only booked in 3 days of work. Well the week before the wedding, I am now told that I was needed at the destination by Monday. dress alterations, nails (because apparently a French tip at one place is not the same at all and you will be able to tell the difference in the photos - eyeroll) and pre wedding practice runs need be done. Again I resisted but the calls and messages started again. I couldn’t handle it. So I just packed my car, took 2 sick days at work and drove to destination. Everything would be easier right if you don’t have 20 people spamming you at the same time stressing you out.
I got my own accomodation for 2 nights then planed to jump in on my parents room like previously promised. Boy was I wrong. My parents purposely booked a 1 bed room motel without a couch. Leaving me stranded again. This trip alone was going to cost me: Fuel: ~$500 Accomodation: Sunday-Sunday (7night) $1750 Nail: already done back home but had to do again ($90) Dress Alterations: (because the dresses hem was longer than the other bridesmaids because I’m a bit shorter- for aesthetics apparently) $100 Wedding Hair and Makeup: (was not told until after it was done that bridesmaids would have to pay for their own) $200
Thankfully there was no drama at the wedding and it went pretty smoothly. Until 2 days later. I was already back home by this stage when the phone starts blowing up again. Phone calls, messages, social media post. Calling me lousy and cheap and disrespectful and so much more for not “Donating” to “Her” (not their which I think was funny) wishing well at the wedding. I tried to explain that I had spent close to $5,500 if not more in 6 months just accomodating her. Without lost time at work. This made everything worse. Apparently my mum had told her that they paid for my dress, accom, fuel etc and that the least I could do is spare a “few hundred dollars” for her wishing well. Well she didn’t take to kindly to the truth that I paid for it all and is now calling me a liar and much worse.
AITA
Did I also mention that am a studying full time at night and already am short of money due to trying to pay student loans
submitted by JuggernautMassive213 to AITAH [link] [comments]
Me(23F) and my sis(26F) have always had a strained relationships but things got worse as we got older. I worked hard for my first car and bought a Toyota worth 20k where as my sister only spent the money my parents gave her and spent her wage on clothes and makeup. Because I was younger and I got a more expensive car, she assumed our parents gave me more than her but this was far from it.
Anyways about 8 months ago my sis and Brother-in-law(BIL) got engaged and everybody was happy.
They wanted to have an engagement party in BIL’s home town (500km away). We were cool with that but we all had to take time off work, pay for fuel to drive there and spend money on accomodation. Overall trip cost me about $500-600. Which I wasnt to concerned about because they promised us the wedding would be at home so I wouldn’t have to stress about this.
Fast foward a couple of months and sis organises her own hens party(nobody else was apparently allowed to help). This too was held at a destination, now appox 1000km away from home town. So I had to miss another 3 days work, 3 nights accomodation, fuel money for 2000km and had to chip in for the party because that what’s bridesmaids do. Goodbye $1600 but I couldn’t say no. She’s my sister right, I had to go. Oh and she also announced that here wedding would also be at this location in just 4 months - this was big shock to everybody.
Another month goes by and my sis starts sending me photos of dresses, shoes and accessories she wants here bridesmaids to wear on her big day. $100 on a pair of shoes - you’ve got to be kidding me. I’d never wear these shoes again. $400 dresses. I was strat up honest with her and said “Nope, not happening. I work a decent job and get paid ok money, but I cannot afford $500 for a dress and shoes that I will wear once”.
Well this upset the whole family. Sis, mum, dad, Granny, Aunts you name it and they were all calling me, demanding that I apologise and buy the dress. Call after call, message after message. It was too much so I ended up just buying it to shut them up after mum and dad promised that I could car pool with them the distance to the wedding and hitch in on their motel to save money.
The plan was to drive my our parents to the destination on Wednesday (Wedding on Friday) and therefore I only booked in 3 days of work. Well the week before the wedding, I am now told that I was needed at the destination by Monday. dress alterations, nails (because apparently a French tip at one place is not the same at all and you will be able to tell the difference in the photos - eyeroll) and pre wedding practice runs need be done. Again I resisted but the calls and messages started again. I couldn’t handle it. So I just packed my car, took 2 sick days at work and drove to destination. Everything would be easier right if you don’t have 20 people spamming you at the same time stressing you out.
I got my own accomodation for 2 nights then planed to jump in on my parents room like previously promised. Boy was I wrong. My parents purposely booked a 1 bed room motel without a couch. Leaving me stranded again. This trip alone was going to cost me: Fuel: ~$500 Accomodation: Sunday-Sunday (7night) $1750 Nail: already done back home but had to do again ($90) Dress Alterations: (because the dresses hem was longer than the other bridesmaids because I’m a bit shorter- for aesthetics apparently) $100 Wedding Hair and Makeup: (was not told until after it was done that bridesmaids would have to pay for their own) $200
Thankfully there was no drama at the wedding and it went pretty smoothly. Until 2 days later. I was already back home by this stage when the phone starts blowing up again. Phone calls, messages, social media post. Calling me lousy and cheap and disrespectful and so much more for not “Donating” to “Her” (not their which I think was funny) wishing well at the wedding. I tried to explain that I had spent close to $5,500 if not more in 6 months just accomodating her. Without lost time at work. This made everything worse. Apparently my mum had told her that they paid for my dress, accom, fuel etc and that the least I could do is spare a “few hundred dollars” for her wishing well. Well she didn’t take to kindly to the truth that I paid for it all and is now calling me a liar and much worse.
AITA
Did I also mention that am a studying full time at night and already am short of money due to trying to pay student loans
2024.05.18 13:30 FeistyAmphibian6763 Is my boyfriend being unfair?
Me (19f) and my boyfriend (20m) have been together for about 8 months. Yesterday he came to my house and it sort of seemed like he wanted to go out with his friends, they were all out drinking. I explained I would have gone with him if some of their girlfriends were there, but they weren't. I then said he could still go if he wanted which I think was pretty nice considering he said he'd spend time with me. He said no and that he wanted to stay with me. I then joked that he couldn't hold it against me in the future that he stayed with me as I said he could go if he wanted to. Fast forward to the next morning he had been winding me up a lot thinking it was funny. I made him breakfast and before I even finished mine he got up and said I think I'm going to go home now. I was then left at the table alone while he got his stuff. He came back down and was like I'm going and I expressed how I thought it was really rude. Then to my suprise he said "your being ungrateful I stayed with you all last night instead of going out" Shock, he had used it against me. I let him leave and I didn't say goodbye. Is this totally unfair on me?
TL;DR : I told my boyfriend he could see his friends, he said he’d rather stay with me. He then held this against me the next day.
submitted by FeistyAmphibian6763 to relationships [link] [comments]
TL;DR : I told my boyfriend he could see his friends, he said he’d rather stay with me. He then held this against me the next day.
2024.05.18 11:32 Bushels_of_ash The 9th of may - please let me know what you think
Did you know that memories aren’t real? No? Not really, you can misremember or change a memory without ever knowing you have. It’s a sinisterly important fact for me, some would be worried but I find it freeing, I can share this memory without fear or shame. I most likely haven’t remembered what happened as it happened, and considering what happened on the 9th of May all those years ago, I’d say it’s likely I don’t remember. It’s a relief really that memories aren’t real; I have always hated talking about my memories, about myself in general. In my experience, people are not interested in what I have to say, unless it relates to them or it makes me look less than them. Maybe it’s all in my head, everything is really. I’m not the most people friendly these days, I think you could call me a cynic, I call myself a cynic, but I’ll try and keep true to this memory, without the influence of hindsight and my cynicism.
It’s about that puddle and the 9th of May. Why the specifically the 9th of May? Well I don’t actually know why that day, it could have easily been the 8th, the difference is hours. I do wish I could change the setting; it’s almost poetic, I could always be misremembering, it was a long time ago, and I have been told many times since that I have a flair for the dramatic. A dark and rainy night, with the wind howling, well that’s a backdrop I can enjoy.
I’m sorry. Let me start at the beginning for the sake of clarity, otherwise I’ll never finish what I start to say, and I’ll never say what I need to say.
Once upon a time I went to a party. I enjoyed drinking back then, a healthy amount for most people, but for me, a dangerous amount, I had a tendency to get inside my head when I drink.
No again I’m sorry, that’s not the memory I want to share, I want to tell the 9th of May, I think this memory will be harder to tell than I first thought.
It was a birthday party for a friend, well a friend of a friend, I knew two people there, I was speaking my wisdom at the party, normally people would just nod and slide away from that kind of wisdom, but this was during the university days, everyone is intelligent, insightful and understanding at university. We few were the self-proclaimed leaders of the future, and so understood all, my green wisdom spewed with no start or finish was always well received. I remember some of what I said, you can walk into any pub or club and listen to the drunkest person in the room, they would have spewed the same wisdom, wisdom that I thought at the time was original and wise, but really was just old sentiment repeated with new words. Despite what I wanted at the time, wisdom comes with age, not self-assurance.
But this time was my spring years, that sweet age just before I faced reality, the real harsh reality of life, I had just begun to explore the world inside my bubble, and my exploration lead me onto the well-trodden path of clubbing and drinking, the respectable rebellion. I began as I always did, by talking, talking of going to some event, a lecture, a monument, an underground pub, of all the things I could do that evening, the places I could go, I and the other future leaders of the world, the potential was ours to squander. This ended as it always would, in that night club, the very same one I would always go to, my slice of reality. Apologies my dear reader, I have a cynical mind, it’s hard to keep at bay, I’ll admit that I haven’t really tried to keep it from being an influence here, I can’t seem to help myself, but this next part of the memory is less clear, but I can relay it with a real, shame filled joy. This part of the memory feels more like a dream now, I don’t have the energy to do what I did that night, I don’t have the energy for much these days, I think that makes the memory more fond to me, drinking, dancing, worry free. Maybe fond was the wrong word to use here, jealous is more fitting, jealous of the innocence and time I wasted. The power of a drink back then was incredible; I miss the feeling, that burn in the mouth, the after taste, the saliva, the heat in your chest, and that feeling of being unstoppable. Of course drink has more than one effect, and while I’d like to believe my cloudy memory is caused by false and misremembered facts, or by the merging of a hundred single nights into one endless night, that’s too poetic. No, the memory is clouded by the amount I drunk that night, and many years after as I tried to forget this very memory.
Yet despite this, even now, the fragments still makes me smile, whether it’s because I enjoy the memories of the innocence I held then, or I’m jealous of them I cannot say, I’m a self-proclaimed cynic, not a philosopher or a psychologist, I’ll leave the analysis to better men than me. Instead I’ll try to give you an idea of what happened in the club without my opinions bleeding through. This night in the club was no different from all the others, they all start the same. Moving around the club in a daze, my head feeling big and unsteady, but also incredibly light and empty, my fingertips warm, my feet numb, I remember dancing to songs, dancing on tables, screaming out lyrics, smoking outside, stealing a bottle of champagne, fixing my hair in a mirror, buying a round of drinks, the lights flashing, the bass thumping, fog spewing, standing on my own staring at the old chandelier, crawling on the floor looking for money, I remember walking out the club and how quiet everything seemed in comparison while I tried to keep standing in the night air, looking at my hands, how bright the lights were, how blurry the world seemed and how beautiful the moon was that night. Here, here the memory starts to come back into focus, the bright street lights and night air always helped me to sober up at night, plus I’ve always enjoyed being outside in the dark night or under the moonlight, I find it comforting to stand under the moon, it’s as if I’m suddenly alive.
As I came to my senses my memory sharpened, but that’s all, my drunkenness remained. I was with a couple of friends, some who I had been at the party with and some who I met in the club, we got food, and we spent such a long time talking, our conversations were mixed, some happy, some sad, all just more green wisdom. Much later on, me and my friend, maybe the one I went to the party with (it might have been someone else, who’s to say?), walked back towards our homes not because we wanted to walk as we said over and over to our screeching friends, but because the taxi was expensive and we couldn’t afford it, we lived in different places but close enough that we could walk together. Its funny to think of this moment, back then I had the money for a taxi, but I wouldn’t spend it on a taxi, now that I’m a poor man, I’ll spend money I don’t have on taxis I don’t need, apparently the youthful idiot I was, was wiser than I am now in some regards after all.
I don’t remember walking with my friend, or rather, I know where we went, how long it took and what we probably talked about, I had walked this walk so many times before this night, and so many after, they are all the same memory to me now, I enjoyed the walking in the night, the exhilaration of that has stayed with me more than the company on those walks. I always used to break it down into three segments, and so that’s how it comes back to me now. Leaving the club, past the library, past the race track, over the river across the bridge, up the steep hill, past the first university gates (which were actually the back gates), round the campus on the public roads, to the second gates (which are the main gates), a long walk with company, a painfully short one with alone. He was still living on the Campus my friend, I lived about ten minutes away from the campus, I said goodbye and goodnight, we agreed to speak in the morning if we survived. He went through the back gates and headed towards the halls, I continued on my way, onto the second segment of the walk past the gates.
I was on my own for the rest of the walk; this happened a lot, both during my university days and many years after. I lived on the opposite side of the campus to most of my friends so this part of the walk was always mine alone, even when I started the night with the people I lived with. I didn’t mind, it was nice to enjoy the feeling of being drunk without having to show I was drunk, a few assured moments of peace under the moon light. I never deviated from my path, round the outside of the campus, opposite some housing estates, till I got next to a little shop that sold cheap, bottles of spirit. I would always stop for a moment to wish that shop was open.
Then it was down that straight road, the final part of my walk, big houses on either side, well-lit but not busy. It looked like it was a five minute walk but once you started it felt like it was never ending, and at the end of the night, in the night air, it was never ending. Sometimes I would run, sprint to see if I could make it to the end of that road without stopping, something to break the monotony of walking, other times to tire myself out so I could fall straight to sleep, and sometimes just because I wanted to run. Nearly every day for two years I walked down that road to go clubbing shopping or studying, to go for a meal, see a film, meet a friend, it was a constant part of my life, an unwanted companion and witness. Walking down that road, reader I don’t think I’m able to describe how I hated that road, but I always walked down that road, there were other ways I could walk, quicker ways, but I always took that road.
This particular night, actually at this point I suppose it was the morning. I was walking down that road in the rain and dark between the streetlights, bitterly cold staring straight into a street light walking on the right hand side. I’d always walk on the right hand side, I’m not sure why, whenever I walked on the left I had a bad day. Except for on the 9th, the 9th is the one exception.
I have no clue where the car came from; I didn’t see it until after the jump, just a blurred headlight, a door, a wing mirror. The driver, the make, the model, even the color is a mystery. It appeared and left like a phantom. There was no thought, I moved forward, but I don’t recognize that I was the one who leapt forward.
I remember the fall. I fell backwards. As if my strings had been cut and I fell limp into the puddle, there was no splash as I landed in that puddle.
The feeling I felt in that puddle, it was something I had never felt before or since, an overwhelming pull I was powerless against, I pray to never to feel it again.
Should I describe it? How to describe it? I have to describe it. I can describe the fear it inspired, but not yet, it’s easier to describe fear, but this isn’t meant to be easy, this memory never is. No the actual feeling, that’s harder, It wasn’t a happy emotion, not a powerful emotion, not a sad emotion. Hopelessness? Yes it was hopelessness. Nothing more, nothing less. No hope for the future, no point to anything, I think it is possibly the only time I felt hopelessness. You can’t live without hope.
I couldn’t stand could I? No, I wouldn’t have laid there if I could, to begin with I didn’t want to, didn’t care to, my legs wouldn’t move, arms were like stone, every muscle in my body cramped, I could feel everything. My eyes were open, rain hitting them, rain dripped from my lips to my chin, it tickled. The fingertips were warm, hair moved, stand by stand off my face. Puddle water lapped against my cheek, socks soaking up water, shirt getting tighter and heavier, jacket sleeves filling up with water, keys and wallet resting on my leg. I just lay there staring at nothing, seeing nothing.
I think to begin with I was gone; that everything I held myself up to and was trying to achieve, had suddenly left me, except my memories, memories that weren’t real. For the longest time that’s how I was, empty, even down to my emotions there was nothing I laid there empty. I could feel my body, but I couldn’t move it, I wasn’t welcome, I felt awkward, out of place.
I’m not sure how long I lay there, dead (I had to be dead because I had no hope), it could have been a minute; it could have been hours, days or years.
The light was wrong. It was dark, only the light seemed to come from a streetlight, the sky was empty, the moon had left me.
Some portion of my mind came back, I started crying, I had failed, failed at even this simple task, I lay for a long time waiting, waiting for something else to come, I should have gotten up, but I just lay there waiting, I was muttering my secret . If that had been my mind for the rest of my days, I would have spent those days in that puddle unmoving; declared brain dead on the spot. The moment raises such disgust in me, I grieved my most important failure, hated my greatest success.
I’d like to lie here, to say anything other than the truth, to save myself the pain and the shame, but I said I would try to tell this memory as it was, not as I wish it, so while I’d like to say I had a vison, a burst of strength, that hope returned to me, I can’t, because in reality it was two words that saved me.
Two words. The Two words that cut through it all. I’m still not sure if I just heard them from somewhere else, said it myself or imagined it afterwards. “Get up” it was angry, disgusted, the words were almost spat out, “Get up”. Those words have burned themselves into my mind, and affected me every day since. The fear and inspiration it awoke in my mind, throat pricked and butterflies in my stomach, anxiety. Next to the hopelessness it seemed like life had spoken, with a voice that wielded fear.
I took control of my body then……
No dear reader I didn’t…. I am almost finished, I have to be true to the memory, I can’t spare myself now, it’s too late for me to take it back. I didn’t take control, I wasn’t there yet, it took me such a long time to regain control again, but it gave my eyes back to me for I had seen nothing long before the fall. I watched as fear drove me, took the strings of my life and moved them, dragging my shell in the dust, screaming.
I cursed everyone and everything, hated myself for what had happened, Oh and the fear, fear of the voice, fear of dying, the fear that someone would see me at this moment, see me and misunderstand me, I didn’t want to die,(I don’t want to die now) I was terrified that I had tried to die, terrified I didn’t know where that urge came from, that moment of energy and intention that was actioned without the consent of my mind, that I was powerless against.
Fear drove me, commanded me out of that puddle. I’d gone insane, truly, completely, utterly mad, I was dragging myself to the curb, screaming, crying, laughing, I ripped my finger nails out, shredded my palms and hands into bloody messes my knees into bruised pulp, my head and face cut by being dragged along.
I heaved up that curb fucking curb, shaking. I started to stand and scramble forward, to escape that spot, that puddle on that road. I stood up hunched and bent, buffet by the wind, laughing, crying, waving my hands in all directions spitting, shouting, wiping blood on my jeans, I was staggering side to side shaking, soaked to the bone, I was mad, insane, disgraced and humiliated.
Why say more? I won’t go further, there is so much more but to understand it…. This was not the place for such memories. That moment all those years ago, was not the eureka moment, the next day I turned this into a joke, a story to tell.
To this day, I cannot tell you what really happened that night all those years ago, as I sit here writing and rewriting the words over and over. I don’t think I’ll ever understand it. I wonder what would happened if I could relive that night again, doing everything again now.
This was the time that my bubble began to burst and the real world hit me like a wave. Perhaps it was just a moment of growing pains. I’ve said it before, I’m only a cynic, all I have left is the memory of the 9th of May, a memory I visit daily.
submitted by Bushels_of_ash to KeepWriting [link] [comments]
It’s about that puddle and the 9th of May. Why the specifically the 9th of May? Well I don’t actually know why that day, it could have easily been the 8th, the difference is hours. I do wish I could change the setting; it’s almost poetic, I could always be misremembering, it was a long time ago, and I have been told many times since that I have a flair for the dramatic. A dark and rainy night, with the wind howling, well that’s a backdrop I can enjoy.
I’m sorry. Let me start at the beginning for the sake of clarity, otherwise I’ll never finish what I start to say, and I’ll never say what I need to say.
Once upon a time I went to a party. I enjoyed drinking back then, a healthy amount for most people, but for me, a dangerous amount, I had a tendency to get inside my head when I drink.
No again I’m sorry, that’s not the memory I want to share, I want to tell the 9th of May, I think this memory will be harder to tell than I first thought.
It was a birthday party for a friend, well a friend of a friend, I knew two people there, I was speaking my wisdom at the party, normally people would just nod and slide away from that kind of wisdom, but this was during the university days, everyone is intelligent, insightful and understanding at university. We few were the self-proclaimed leaders of the future, and so understood all, my green wisdom spewed with no start or finish was always well received. I remember some of what I said, you can walk into any pub or club and listen to the drunkest person in the room, they would have spewed the same wisdom, wisdom that I thought at the time was original and wise, but really was just old sentiment repeated with new words. Despite what I wanted at the time, wisdom comes with age, not self-assurance.
But this time was my spring years, that sweet age just before I faced reality, the real harsh reality of life, I had just begun to explore the world inside my bubble, and my exploration lead me onto the well-trodden path of clubbing and drinking, the respectable rebellion. I began as I always did, by talking, talking of going to some event, a lecture, a monument, an underground pub, of all the things I could do that evening, the places I could go, I and the other future leaders of the world, the potential was ours to squander. This ended as it always would, in that night club, the very same one I would always go to, my slice of reality. Apologies my dear reader, I have a cynical mind, it’s hard to keep at bay, I’ll admit that I haven’t really tried to keep it from being an influence here, I can’t seem to help myself, but this next part of the memory is less clear, but I can relay it with a real, shame filled joy. This part of the memory feels more like a dream now, I don’t have the energy to do what I did that night, I don’t have the energy for much these days, I think that makes the memory more fond to me, drinking, dancing, worry free. Maybe fond was the wrong word to use here, jealous is more fitting, jealous of the innocence and time I wasted. The power of a drink back then was incredible; I miss the feeling, that burn in the mouth, the after taste, the saliva, the heat in your chest, and that feeling of being unstoppable. Of course drink has more than one effect, and while I’d like to believe my cloudy memory is caused by false and misremembered facts, or by the merging of a hundred single nights into one endless night, that’s too poetic. No, the memory is clouded by the amount I drunk that night, and many years after as I tried to forget this very memory.
Yet despite this, even now, the fragments still makes me smile, whether it’s because I enjoy the memories of the innocence I held then, or I’m jealous of them I cannot say, I’m a self-proclaimed cynic, not a philosopher or a psychologist, I’ll leave the analysis to better men than me. Instead I’ll try to give you an idea of what happened in the club without my opinions bleeding through. This night in the club was no different from all the others, they all start the same. Moving around the club in a daze, my head feeling big and unsteady, but also incredibly light and empty, my fingertips warm, my feet numb, I remember dancing to songs, dancing on tables, screaming out lyrics, smoking outside, stealing a bottle of champagne, fixing my hair in a mirror, buying a round of drinks, the lights flashing, the bass thumping, fog spewing, standing on my own staring at the old chandelier, crawling on the floor looking for money, I remember walking out the club and how quiet everything seemed in comparison while I tried to keep standing in the night air, looking at my hands, how bright the lights were, how blurry the world seemed and how beautiful the moon was that night. Here, here the memory starts to come back into focus, the bright street lights and night air always helped me to sober up at night, plus I’ve always enjoyed being outside in the dark night or under the moonlight, I find it comforting to stand under the moon, it’s as if I’m suddenly alive.
As I came to my senses my memory sharpened, but that’s all, my drunkenness remained. I was with a couple of friends, some who I had been at the party with and some who I met in the club, we got food, and we spent such a long time talking, our conversations were mixed, some happy, some sad, all just more green wisdom. Much later on, me and my friend, maybe the one I went to the party with (it might have been someone else, who’s to say?), walked back towards our homes not because we wanted to walk as we said over and over to our screeching friends, but because the taxi was expensive and we couldn’t afford it, we lived in different places but close enough that we could walk together. Its funny to think of this moment, back then I had the money for a taxi, but I wouldn’t spend it on a taxi, now that I’m a poor man, I’ll spend money I don’t have on taxis I don’t need, apparently the youthful idiot I was, was wiser than I am now in some regards after all.
I don’t remember walking with my friend, or rather, I know where we went, how long it took and what we probably talked about, I had walked this walk so many times before this night, and so many after, they are all the same memory to me now, I enjoyed the walking in the night, the exhilaration of that has stayed with me more than the company on those walks. I always used to break it down into three segments, and so that’s how it comes back to me now. Leaving the club, past the library, past the race track, over the river across the bridge, up the steep hill, past the first university gates (which were actually the back gates), round the campus on the public roads, to the second gates (which are the main gates), a long walk with company, a painfully short one with alone. He was still living on the Campus my friend, I lived about ten minutes away from the campus, I said goodbye and goodnight, we agreed to speak in the morning if we survived. He went through the back gates and headed towards the halls, I continued on my way, onto the second segment of the walk past the gates.
I was on my own for the rest of the walk; this happened a lot, both during my university days and many years after. I lived on the opposite side of the campus to most of my friends so this part of the walk was always mine alone, even when I started the night with the people I lived with. I didn’t mind, it was nice to enjoy the feeling of being drunk without having to show I was drunk, a few assured moments of peace under the moon light. I never deviated from my path, round the outside of the campus, opposite some housing estates, till I got next to a little shop that sold cheap, bottles of spirit. I would always stop for a moment to wish that shop was open.
Then it was down that straight road, the final part of my walk, big houses on either side, well-lit but not busy. It looked like it was a five minute walk but once you started it felt like it was never ending, and at the end of the night, in the night air, it was never ending. Sometimes I would run, sprint to see if I could make it to the end of that road without stopping, something to break the monotony of walking, other times to tire myself out so I could fall straight to sleep, and sometimes just because I wanted to run. Nearly every day for two years I walked down that road to go clubbing shopping or studying, to go for a meal, see a film, meet a friend, it was a constant part of my life, an unwanted companion and witness. Walking down that road, reader I don’t think I’m able to describe how I hated that road, but I always walked down that road, there were other ways I could walk, quicker ways, but I always took that road.
This particular night, actually at this point I suppose it was the morning. I was walking down that road in the rain and dark between the streetlights, bitterly cold staring straight into a street light walking on the right hand side. I’d always walk on the right hand side, I’m not sure why, whenever I walked on the left I had a bad day. Except for on the 9th, the 9th is the one exception.
I have no clue where the car came from; I didn’t see it until after the jump, just a blurred headlight, a door, a wing mirror. The driver, the make, the model, even the color is a mystery. It appeared and left like a phantom. There was no thought, I moved forward, but I don’t recognize that I was the one who leapt forward.
I remember the fall. I fell backwards. As if my strings had been cut and I fell limp into the puddle, there was no splash as I landed in that puddle.
The feeling I felt in that puddle, it was something I had never felt before or since, an overwhelming pull I was powerless against, I pray to never to feel it again.
Should I describe it? How to describe it? I have to describe it. I can describe the fear it inspired, but not yet, it’s easier to describe fear, but this isn’t meant to be easy, this memory never is. No the actual feeling, that’s harder, It wasn’t a happy emotion, not a powerful emotion, not a sad emotion. Hopelessness? Yes it was hopelessness. Nothing more, nothing less. No hope for the future, no point to anything, I think it is possibly the only time I felt hopelessness. You can’t live without hope.
I couldn’t stand could I? No, I wouldn’t have laid there if I could, to begin with I didn’t want to, didn’t care to, my legs wouldn’t move, arms were like stone, every muscle in my body cramped, I could feel everything. My eyes were open, rain hitting them, rain dripped from my lips to my chin, it tickled. The fingertips were warm, hair moved, stand by stand off my face. Puddle water lapped against my cheek, socks soaking up water, shirt getting tighter and heavier, jacket sleeves filling up with water, keys and wallet resting on my leg. I just lay there staring at nothing, seeing nothing.
I think to begin with I was gone; that everything I held myself up to and was trying to achieve, had suddenly left me, except my memories, memories that weren’t real. For the longest time that’s how I was, empty, even down to my emotions there was nothing I laid there empty. I could feel my body, but I couldn’t move it, I wasn’t welcome, I felt awkward, out of place.
I’m not sure how long I lay there, dead (I had to be dead because I had no hope), it could have been a minute; it could have been hours, days or years.
The light was wrong. It was dark, only the light seemed to come from a streetlight, the sky was empty, the moon had left me.
Some portion of my mind came back, I started crying, I had failed, failed at even this simple task, I lay for a long time waiting, waiting for something else to come, I should have gotten up, but I just lay there waiting, I was muttering my secret . If that had been my mind for the rest of my days, I would have spent those days in that puddle unmoving; declared brain dead on the spot. The moment raises such disgust in me, I grieved my most important failure, hated my greatest success.
I’d like to lie here, to say anything other than the truth, to save myself the pain and the shame, but I said I would try to tell this memory as it was, not as I wish it, so while I’d like to say I had a vison, a burst of strength, that hope returned to me, I can’t, because in reality it was two words that saved me.
Two words. The Two words that cut through it all. I’m still not sure if I just heard them from somewhere else, said it myself or imagined it afterwards. “Get up” it was angry, disgusted, the words were almost spat out, “Get up”. Those words have burned themselves into my mind, and affected me every day since. The fear and inspiration it awoke in my mind, throat pricked and butterflies in my stomach, anxiety. Next to the hopelessness it seemed like life had spoken, with a voice that wielded fear.
I took control of my body then……
No dear reader I didn’t…. I am almost finished, I have to be true to the memory, I can’t spare myself now, it’s too late for me to take it back. I didn’t take control, I wasn’t there yet, it took me such a long time to regain control again, but it gave my eyes back to me for I had seen nothing long before the fall. I watched as fear drove me, took the strings of my life and moved them, dragging my shell in the dust, screaming.
I cursed everyone and everything, hated myself for what had happened, Oh and the fear, fear of the voice, fear of dying, the fear that someone would see me at this moment, see me and misunderstand me, I didn’t want to die,(I don’t want to die now) I was terrified that I had tried to die, terrified I didn’t know where that urge came from, that moment of energy and intention that was actioned without the consent of my mind, that I was powerless against.
Fear drove me, commanded me out of that puddle. I’d gone insane, truly, completely, utterly mad, I was dragging myself to the curb, screaming, crying, laughing, I ripped my finger nails out, shredded my palms and hands into bloody messes my knees into bruised pulp, my head and face cut by being dragged along.
I heaved up that curb fucking curb, shaking. I started to stand and scramble forward, to escape that spot, that puddle on that road. I stood up hunched and bent, buffet by the wind, laughing, crying, waving my hands in all directions spitting, shouting, wiping blood on my jeans, I was staggering side to side shaking, soaked to the bone, I was mad, insane, disgraced and humiliated.
Why say more? I won’t go further, there is so much more but to understand it…. This was not the place for such memories. That moment all those years ago, was not the eureka moment, the next day I turned this into a joke, a story to tell.
To this day, I cannot tell you what really happened that night all those years ago, as I sit here writing and rewriting the words over and over. I don’t think I’ll ever understand it. I wonder what would happened if I could relive that night again, doing everything again now.
This was the time that my bubble began to burst and the real world hit me like a wave. Perhaps it was just a moment of growing pains. I’ve said it before, I’m only a cynic, all I have left is the memory of the 9th of May, a memory I visit daily.