context

I met my current Girlfriend on a videogame several years ago. We were young and dated for a week maybe and i got overwhelmed by her clinginess and we eventually parted ways for a few years, only messaging a few times here and there. We didn't learn much about each other, so we were aquainted strangers for a while.
I isolated a lot due to covid but also anxiety of going back out into public. So i always had a lot of time to myself to think. I developed my thoughts and opinions as i stared out the window to the world. I matured a lot. And towards the end i refound my passion for philosophy, spirituality and got deeper into jungian psychology.
Over the past several months i felt very light, or golden. It almost felt like the life path ahead of me was an angelic one, im meant to do great for the sake of others. Maybe im just conceited or egotistical tho.

middle period

This girl though, decides to text me more. Happens to go through a breakup with a bad ex. And she came to me after she got back from the mental hospital. I happened to be there when she was very low. Over time i pulled her out of that bad state and got her over her ex.
We fall in love again.
Since i was always isolated i gave up on searching for relationships, i thought i should just focus on being the best i can so i can start on good footing when i got myself into a relationship. I felt as though i shouldn't force it regardless or seek it out too much. So i didn't. I trusted that it would figure itself out. And it did.
On this second time with her though, I've been able to learn much more about her. And I've realized that she is almost a mirror version of myself, just delt a worse hand in life.

Coincidences or synchronicities?

Now, nothing is super synchronous yet but its been really trippy the more we talk.
We think the exact same thoughts at the same time.
Almost everytime i open my phone shes texting me.
We know what each other are about to say pretty often
Similar tastes in food.
Same opinions and similar interests.
Exact same goals and aspirations.
Her mother and my mother have the same birthday.
We both have similarities in our appearance.
Both want kids, and both ideally want a boy and girl.
Both have had similar problems in childhood
Both have add/adhd ish
Both have siberian huskies
And many more
I also had a dream about her and she showed me something i saw in my dream

more thoughts

We are so very similar. And every time we interact i feel theres always something that happens that is so oddly specific and coincidental that they're not ordinary coincidences. This has never happened to me with anyone else before.
I felt like i was meant to be there for her when i was. I constantly feel like something put us here and like I'm supposed to be with her.
I constantly saw and still see messages that say "if you're meant to be you'll end up back with each other" or ideas similar. Like some kind of omen. These same things, even verses about love in the bible keep reappearing in random places.
Its all so strange but sweet at the same time. But I'm going to trust it.
Lemme know your thoughts! What kind of meaning might this have? Is it more normal than i think it is?

So I (30f) and my best friend for years (26M) let's call him John. So John and I have been best friends for many many years, about 3 years ago he moved about 2 hours away from me. We still talked every day or played video games together every night, that was our thing. Well about 6 months ago he started dating this girl (25f) let's call her Mary. Well Mary has a 1 yr old daughter, after only 2 months he moved her into his house. That didn't bother me I tried to be Mary's friend I sent Christmas gifts for her and her daughter, we had no issues until about a month ago. John stopped calling me or answering my calls or getting on Xbox or anything. For context I have never let anyone come in between our friendship ever, well Mary was ok with us being friends until I lost my job and could no longer send money to help them with bills or gifts, I used to even order instacart with groceries for them and baby food and anything else they needed. For context they do both work, I was just trying to help them out since I used to make more than enough to pay my bills and have some extra, now my boyfriend is the one paying the bills and we can't afford to do a lot of extra stuff. Back to John and Mary...... One day I just stopped getting phone calls, messages or video calls and he would ignore my calls and messages in return. I finally got a call about 3 weeks ago and I said "oh wow haven't heard from you, are you guys ok? How is Mary and the baby doing? I hope all is well" he responded with "yeah Mary went to the store so I can call you" Inside my head I'm thinking in my best Charlotte impression "I beg your finest pardon?" Then he had the audacity to ask me for money. I am only a friend as long as I'm doing for them, as soon as I couldn't afford to help them I'm a no body. Might I add they both currently work full time each. I was only helping because I am that kind of friend. I stopped hearing from them again for weeks, I'm guessing he could only talk to me with her not around. Anyway, fast forward to May 5th 2024, it is my 30th birthday. I didn't do anything that day but I the following weekend I had family over and we had hamburgers and played music and enjoyed each other's company. I heard nothing from John or Mary. I waited to see if I would at least get a text. I didn't ask anyone for anything but I figured I could at least get a text saying happy birthday. I didn't think that was too much to ask it takes 5 seconds and it would have meant a lot to me. Well I still haven't heard anything from either of them. So I sent John a text saying all I asked was to be acknowledged for one day, he didn't have to get me anything all I wanted was a text or a call just saying happy birthday. He read the message and did not reply. In fact he messaged my boyfriend let's call him Tom (31M) he told Tom that I was bothering him and that Mary was getting suspicious and thought him and I were sleeping together behind her back since I was no longer paying her bills for her there had to be something going on behind her back. First of all, it was ok when I was buying stuff for them and her daughter but now that I can't all of a sudden I'm sleeping with him. She had no issues with our friendship when I was sending money. So I sent John one last message and told him if he wanted to be with her that's fine whatever but I will no longer send them money or associate with her in any way shape or form. I am not an ATM and I will not be used as such. John had never asked me for money at any point in our friendship I helped because I wanted to. But, I told him if I didn't matter to him enough to send a two word text then I must not matter enough to receive my money and I would have nothing to do with them until they get their priorities straight. I have heard nothing from them but John has messaged Tom many times asking if I would answer my phone so he could ask me for help. No, nope, nata, no sir, not, nothing and not going to happen. I put my foot down and I've stood by it. Tom tells me I'm being petty and should talk to him and see if John and I can work things out. I told him I would work things out with John if he stopped asking for money and allowing Mary to come in between our friendship. I don't know if I'm just being overly petty or if I'm not being petty enough haha. Please reddit help me out, am I over reacting just because he didn't message me on my birthday or should I cave and help them again?

I’m in a group of four friends. It’s super fun hanging out with them and stuff. Actually, the THOUGHT of hanging out with them is fun. Once we actually are together, I feel drained? I don’t know why.
We got really close junior year, but there is a duo in the group. For instance, they tag each other in tiktoks like “you are the chocolate to my vanilla”, somebody talking abt how they love their best friend, etc. Like yeah, they are closer, but is it wrong of me to be jealous? They have their own inside jokes that I don’t understand and I just kinda laugh it off when they avoid telling me what their jokes mean. I get because it’s something between them and it was probably about something that was only funny in the moment, but it just sucks not feeling included.
My other friend, outside of the duo, makes very offensive and strange comments towards my eating habits. I am embarrassed to eat in front of other people in public, so I usually eat a lot at home and little when we hang out. I am very open about this too. But if I ever reject food because I am either not hungry or don’t like it (I’m a picky eater) she ALWAYS butts into the conversation to say “she doesn’t eat anything anyways”. And if I talk about how I really liked a pizza (I had two slices) she goes “you barely ate it”. No matter what I say about any topic regarding food, she always has to bring me down in some way. The thing I find most odd about this is she barely eats in front of people either. Before school and during school she eats absolutely nothing. I have never said anything about it. And even the other day she bragged to me about how she “only ate a rice crispy today”. But I’m the one who doesn’t eat?
I love to crochet. I make crochet room decor and stuffed animals for my friends for their birthdays. I’m always really proud of it. However, I was recently talking to two of my friends how I want to crochet something for my other friend for her birthday, and they burst out laughing. They started telling me to stop crocheting stuff because nobody knows what to do with “dumb room decor and stuffed animals”. I just laughed but it actually really hurt. I thought they liked that stuff because for one, they all have a tower of stuffed animals in their room, and two, they have all have a pinterest board full of similar room decor. I put so much effort into crocheting that it was so hurtful to see that they don’t even care about what I made. I understand not everybody likes crochet stuff, and maybe I am sensitive, but I feel they were being a little harsh about it?
I feel like if I disappeared one day, the only thing different in their lives would be their grades. Otherwise, they wouldn’t even feel a difference. They always ask me for homework answers, which I usually give because I am a people pleaser. It’s just upsetting to see that when I ask for a favor in return, like maybe I just want them to send me the answer key for my homework so that I can check my work, they don’t help. They stop answering my texts and change the subject. Also to add on, I am only seen for my intelligence and not my personality. I don’t even talk about grades unless somebody asks me what I got on a test. I just want to be seen as a real person with real interests, and not just somebody who does well in school.
I’m always out of the loop. My friend keeps going back to her ex and then breaking up with him. It seems that all my friends know when they are back together but me. It’s always a surprise to me when I hear her say boyfriend instead of ex, but everybody else looks as if they already knew. I’m sitting there trying to process when she got back with him, while they continue the conversation as normal.
One of them constantly makes fun of me. She refuses to eat anything I eat, drink anything I drink, or wear anything I wear in fear of “turning into” me. I can never tell if it’s a joke or not. She always comments on my “grandma“ clothes and makes fun of them, when it’s literally just jeans and a graphic sweatshirt? This might sound really stupid, but she’ll drink out of ANYBODYS water. If they are sick, a stranger, whoever. But when she said “I’m soooo thirsty” and I offered her my water bottle she said “Ew I don’t want your water I’ll turn into you”. And she seriously refused my water. I’m sorry this probably sounds so dumb.
There’s a lot more, but am I sensitive or is there actually an issue?

Ok I have a friend let’s call her Tracy. I’ve known Tracy since Feb 2023 we met on an influencer group on a brand trip. Around Aug 2023 I moved to her city. We started hanging out a lot and I noticed She still had her moments where she’s very tit for tat about money. I never had a problem with it because I was good for it, but in Jan I was relieved from my main source of income. I started to struggle and was even homeless for a while. I asked if I could stay with her and offered to pay. Stayed with her for only a month and I noticed how self absorbed she is. When I would talk to Tracy, she would always make it about her, cut me off or try to see how she can get out of something for nothing. When I would show her something cool that I did or created she would ask me to do it for free knowing that something that I would want to charge for it.
There was a point where I was really struggling so I asked to borrow some money. I did what I needed to do for her for the first half but it took me about two months to pay her the rest of the money back because I was still working to survive. Fast forward a couple months… Her birthday is at the beginning of the month and she spent about over $5000 on her birthday activities. She didn’t come out of pocket because a few homeboys and boys she’s messing with sent her the money. The only thing that she wanted from her friends was a specific cake. I was searching for the cake and I was gonna see if me and all of her friends could split it. She told me that she ended up finding and buying the cake then told her other friends to send her a $50-$100 donation towards the event. Then she said for me to just send her $100 to go towards the cake. I didn't do it cuz I didn’t budget that into my expenses.
I ended up leaving her birthday event early because I had an allergic reaction to something and broke out in hives. I almost passed out and left because I didn’t wanna make a big deal on her birthday. When I got back, she was making jokes about how She wanted to “know what I had an allergic reaction to in case she ever wanted to kill me.” . Then the next day she kept trying to force me to do what I suspected gave me a bad reaction because it was her birthday. She kept “jokingly” calling me selfish for not doing so.
Recently Ive been better about my money. I would tell Tracy about it thinking she’d be happy for me. Her first reaction was “good now give me $100.” When I tell her to ask people who have it she would say “They paid for my birthday already I want YOUR money”. I said that I’ll take her out on a nice date as a joke, but I don’t even want to do that because she previously admitted that she orders a bunch of stuff… Stuff she doesn’t even really want if somebody else is paying.
Right now, I am more comfortable financially to be able to to pay her the hundred dollars, but I really don’t want to, so would I be the asshole if I don’t pay her?

Am I the asshole for reaching out to my niece? Longgg story short -ish- ,im early 20s and I have 2 half siblings in their mid 30’s , a full brother who I grew up with but I never really seen my sisters much growing up since they lived with their mother a few towns away, I seen them a few times and 16 years ago one of them had a kid, ill call her Sophie and another a few years later I’ll call her Stacey, I seen her a few times as she grew up but my sisters hated my side of the family , 2016 I had a car ride with them to see my ex in a different town and I was playing with Stacey and Sophie while my sister drove and her boyfriend at the time in passenger, it was a 6 hour ride and my sister was ALL about her bf wouldn’t even take her kid to the toilet I had to take them , anyway me and little Stacey did everything painted nails took selfies tickle fights etc , she wasn’t old enough to really speak at the time but she was pointing at my sisters boyfriend I asked her does she want me to tickle him too? She got soo excited when I did so I tickled his head anyway I got home and she started texting me pissed off and I was explain it to her why and what I did , she kept going on with ‘Sophie seen you do it don’t even deny it’ when I was telling her what happened (not denying but confirming it) anyway she blocked me and yearrrsss later I have a new fb I got sober from drugs and alcohol I have a new life in a new city , I was feeling good so I tried reaching out to my niece Sophie on Facebook to see how she is doing , first thing my sister said was ‘was she doing drugs on call? Was she drinking? Was she out of it?’ And she had no idea I did that stuff so I had to explain to a 15yr old I did drugs years ago and I’ve been sober for 3yr 3mth and she was proud of me , she loves talking to me , but here’s the thing , her birthday is coming up in the summer and I was thinking of something to get her since she will be in my city when it comes around , she was mentioning self harm scars she wanted covered up with a tattoo , I got curious and asked her what would she get if she could and she wanted her passed grandparents signature saying I love you and I thought it was sweet (and cheaper than a big one lol) so I said I’ll ask your dad (since my sister won’t even answer me or friend request on fb) if he will sign for it still being underage, I messaged him told him what she wanted and I’ll help her with aftercare and all that , he ignored me and told my sister who just started messaging me getting so mad saying she’s too young and I should of asked before putting it in her head I tried to tell her I did ask I said to him he didn’t have to if he didn’t want to and the way she talks about my sister (letting her drink and smoke weed) I would think she would say yes but now it’s a HUGE fight she blocked me and is now wanting Sophie to block me and have no contact with me , but she has no idea who I even am today it’s been so long and it’s really hurting me I’m so lost , my niece doesn’t want to block me I told her if her mom causes stress over it I don’t mind waiting a few more years to have a relationship with her but I said it’s up to her and what she thinks is best and she thinks of talking to me and hiding it Is there anything I can do or am I really crazy for offering a 15yr old a tattoo? I got my first one at her age and it was fine , I have been crying all day I need some advice please

Good day,
Today has been one of ups and downs with my thoughts. I decided that I want to focus not so much on the negative but the positive... How am I working on healing?
It doesn't matter if you were the one wronged or the one who did the wrong. We are here... because we are all hurting. I have not hidden how wrong I was in my relationship, how much I still love that woman with all of my heart... I refuse to be that person again. So I am working on myself and resolving those issues so that I am never that person again.
I have tried to help some in here to understand things from the other side and I think this could be a good place for us all to share. What we are doing to heal ourselves... and maybe something we share can help someone else.
Here are the books/tools that I am using on my journey. And yes, I own all of these books. I decided to use my hyper-fixation powers internally... which then led me to buying all the books I had on my wish list.
Books
There is a Hole in my Love Cup - Sven Erlandson (This was a Birthday gift from my ex last year, 5 months after our breakup). This book is great for helping you identify your inability to give/receive love and locate the source of those issues. A great starter if you want to want to really start to dive into yourself.
Reflections on the Art of Living - Diane K. Olsen
Illusions - Richard Bach
Rescuing God from Christianity - Sven Erlandson
The Dark Side of Light Chasers - Debbie Ford
The 5 Love Languages - Gary Chapman
Living in the Light - Shakti Gawain
The Untethered Soul - Michael A Singer
The Sedona Method - Hale Dwoskin (This book provides a method that you can utilize to remove emotions from memories, allowing you a chance to fully let go of harmful thoughts and live a happier life)
The Artist Way - Julia Cameron
Radical Acceptance - Tara Brach
Badass Jesus - Sven Erlandson
Bible - It can be whatever you want, just something that you understand and can provide you with the direction.
Tools
Journaling - Every day, I was doing it twice but I have since switched this to 1 time a day and I do it at night before I go to bed.
Exercise/Hobby - Just something that allows you a chance to not focus on your pain or how you are addressing them. Something that will let you take a break. If you are always going full speed you will burn out and find yourself going back to old habits. Starting next week, I am going to start Hiking again.

Burner account for obvious reasons.
My mom and I (15M) have had a pretty "normal" relationship, sure theres been hiccups here and there but these past three days have been horrible. It started with my mom coming home one night and noticed that there was a pot on the stove. She asked me to clean it up and I stated "Since you cooked with it how come you didn't clean it" (In retrospect, this probably wasn't the best thing to say in the moment). Dishes are something she would often remind me about, having ADHD I've always struggled with forming habits or just forgetting tasks at hand, this issue has been improving for me recently and my mom had stated that she had taken notice before, in our family, its usually "your dish your responsibility". But anyways, that seemed to make her start screaming and yelling in ways I have never seen her act before, usually it may be some yelling back and forth but she started throwing things around the kitchen while threatening to take my life, and take her own life unless I got out of the house so fearing for my own safety I went outside for a few hours wondering what the fuck just happened. So I texted her and asked if I could go back inside, got the reply of "do whatever you want" so I went back inside as I had schoolwork I needed to get done. Nothing happened the rest of the night. The next day I tried to de-escalate the situation, trying to ask my mom how she felt, and if there was anything I could do to help her out but that was like talking to a brick wall. That night was uneventful. Today (Sunday) I woke up a bit late, ate breakfast, etc. My mom decided to go out and told me, she told me I should mow the lawn today since it's not going to rain (for context, I texted her yesterday if it was alright to mow the lawn but it rained by the time I had the opportunity to). Around an hour ago I decided to go ahead and make myself some ramen for lunch since I didn't want to deal with a mess and make her angry again. Around the time I finished eating she came back home, I said hello to her and asked her how she was doing. The first thing I heard back from her was "Why is there dishes on the counter" which is when I realized I left a single plate out from making ramen which I intended to put in the sink anyways. I had put a dish in the sink earlier since I assumed the dishwasher was full since the magnet was on the "full" side along with my moms dishes. I tried to explain this to her calmly, letting her know that I'm going to clean everything up and she just goes off, shes screaming, yelling, tells me that I "ask for too much" and starts screaming at me about events that have happened YEARS ago, she starts getting up in my face, yelling about all the things I've asked for, she complains about needing to leave work and go to school for my 504 plan, paying for wrestling, and getting me a car which shes all done for me on her own accord, I rarely ask for anything from her, I mean, I don't even ask for money. I've tried having discussions with her about cars since dual enrollment next year requires for students to have their own mode of transportation and I have a very late birthday right before school starts but she just shuts me down which I never understood. She then starts screaming about how I haven't mowed the lawn yet even though I have all day and she then tells me its going to rain although she told me earlier it wasnt and kept on denying it. But the tipping point is when she picked up a knife and started pointing and "jabbing" it at me after she picked up a dish and shattered it on the floor. At this point I have no idea what the fuck got into her so for my own safety I started recording which she didn't appreciate, she put the knife down and started walking towards me telling me "get out now or i'll kill you" and "stop recording or ill get your dad to pick you up". For context, my parents are divorced and my dad has done some disgusting things I would rather not talk about, I haven't been in contact with him for months. I went up to my room, locked my doors, she started banging on my door telling me to get out but fearing for my life I decided to stay put, she eventually went away and this is where I am now. I'm honestly so lost and have no idea what I should do. Sure, I'm not a perfect kid but this was just so out of character for her and I'm so confused as to what made her act out like this.

im not sure when else to fit this in but this was when i (F19) was 17. well to start, to say "i went," was an understatement. my parents came into my room at 12 am on a sunday night with school the next day and said "we need to talk" followed by "we're sending you away." and within 3 hours i was on a flight across the country with 0 idea on where i was heading with 2 people i had never met before.
but before i get into all of that ill start from the beginning and give some back story; im not going to lie, i was a shit kid. i stole from my parents, anything from alcohol to money to their vapes. i snuck out on multiple occasions, i lied (A LOT). and this all sounds like typical teenage behavior until you factor in the serious mental health issues (depression, anxiety, etc) and serious drug use. and less important but i had straight A's until my behavior got worse and i started failing almost every class. so although my parents were epitome of helicopter parents, i cannot completely blame my parents for sending me where they did, especially after exhausting every other option they could think of, this was their last resort.
now back to me on a flight, my brain was exhausted and didnt want to fight anymore after i had screamed and cried about going for an hour straight so i slept both flights i got on, i barely remember going through the airports. i lived in the midwest at the time, never travelled west before and was never told where i was going, so imagine my surprise when i wake up in texas, i get on another flight, wake up again in colorado. ill spare the boring details but at this point i was filled in on what was happening and told id be joining my group in just a few hours then we'd all head to utah together. at this point im still getting fast food and the adults im travelling with are letting me pick the music in the car (little did i know this was like last time id experience anything "normal" like that for the next 100 days). now i join my group and it goes well, everyone is accepting and nice enough. we get to dinner, oh god, i think i cried bc it was just straight up burnt instant mashed potatoes. everyone else here was used to that, the last thing i ate just 4 hours ago was a chipotle burrito and a chocolate chip cookie. i know i sound like a drama queen but i did get used to it, eventually and things werent that bad once you figured out the tricks to make it better. and i know im making all of this sound like i was pretty unbothered but trust me i was LIVID with my parents. we could send each other a letter once a week, for the first month all i would write is "hi, im doing fine. -(my name)" i probably wouldnt send anything if my camp guides didnt make me.
now i know a big question a lot of people have about wilderness therapy programs are "did you get abused?" and the answer to that is no, not at all, and i never saw it happen either. there was a VERY strict no touching at all policy for both staff and kids. and any kid had to be with 3 people at all times (example, if it was a kid and a kid there had to be another staff with them, if there was a kid and a staff there had to another staff or another kid, basically kids couldnt be alone with anyone) it was definitely a legit program and im thankful everyday i did get fortunate to get to go to better one than others. every week we'd go on a hikes and camp at a different spot each night, we'd do that friday- monday. tuesday-thursday we'd do chores, showers, therapy sessions, etc. (yes, one shower a week, we were allowed to take more but we'd have to carry the shower bag and soap on trips with already 40 pound packs, and usually when we were done hiking it was near dark and time for dinner then bed, so i never saw anyone take more than one a week)
i dont know how all of this worked or when it clicked in my head that i cant be a little shit anymore but it did. 2 years later i can confidently say my parents and i's relationship has gotten significantly better. i moved out after wilderness bc i had my 18th birthday while there (trust me ik, it sucked, not to mention i also missed halloween, thanksgiving, my dads bday, christmas, and new years,) i moved to the east coast and moving out was probably the best decision, i had broke the news to my parents while in wilderness still, parents/siblings (my brothers stayed home for school) can visit about 2 months in for a few days, i dont think ill ever forget the shock on their faces when i told them i wasnt moving back in after this. i told them i was talking to my therapist about what they called aftercare which was essentially exactly what it sounds like, a place to go after wilderness therapy for more care.
my therapist and i had found a place on the east coast and my parents agreed to pay for it, seeing i was doing much better and they wanted to keep it going. after i got there and got access to my phone back, i did what any single newly 18 year old would do and downloaded tinder, within a week i had a date with a guy who after another 2 weeks became my boyfriend. (sounds fast i know, he told me he knew i was the one after he found out i could start a fire without fuel or a match, he's a big outdoorsy guy lmfao, thanks wilderness therapy for teaching me bow drilling?) he was really accepting and understanding of my situation, it was hard to see each other because i was still under strict rules in my aftercare (only allowed to leave for 2 hours a day without reason 24 hours ahead of time) but we made it work until i confided in him i was getting harassed by my roommate there. after that he moved me out with him within a couple weeks even though we hadnt even been with each other 2 months yet. (i say all of this for a reason, you'll see) now i dont know what me and him were thinking because i had just moved and had 0 money to my name, and he would go out of town for trips once a month which worked for him but now his rent and food costs doubled but we were determined to make it work, especially because we wanted to prove my therapist wrong who had said before i moved out of the aftercare house "if and when, because inevitable you will ask your parents for money because you wont be able to do this alone" this aftercare was supposed to help me get things like my GED, a job, my license, or anything else to help me become independent. and, 2 months of being there, they didn't do any of that. i was basically in the same state i showed up in.
so yes after moving in with my boyfriend we did struggle for about a month, then i got my GED, then a job and my license process started within 2 months. here i am a year and 3 months after moving in, we have our own place, i still have the same job, i have my license, i have a car, and obviously im still with the same guy.
i guess my point of this post were a couple things,

1. parents, please please please do your research before giving someone else complete care of your kid, i have no doubt in my mind that if i was sent somewhere worse for my mental health i would be a lost cause at this point if not worse, it is so extremely important that the '"help" you're giving is actually helpful
   
2. has any one else gone through something similar? havent met many with the same type of backstory.
   
3. there is hope and things do get better.
   

and 4. i guess just to share my story.

Hello everyone! I’m visiting Hong Kong in less than a two weeks and I have some questions. I looked at the megathread but my questions are not that popular among other people in asking them here. I hope this is ok and I appreciate every answer.

1. Some “do”s and “don’t”s while visiting?
2. I’m avid vinyl record collector and I’ve seen the city offers great variety of stores, but maybe some of you guys have some advices which are the best ones?
3. My friend is having a birthday soon and she’s collecting overseas editions of a book “Three Musketeers” by Alexandre Dumas in foreign language. I was planning to get one while in Hong Kong, what are the bookstores I should check first of all?
4. What is something you should really bring with you that most people don’t usually think about? I read about raincoats, insects repellent and some clothes to keep you warm when inside, but maybe there are other things too.

Thank you in advance for all your answers.

I don't even how to frame this, I guess it's just a rant.
I have a child from a previous relationship, Anna (7) my current partner came into our lives when she was a baby and we've since had more children. He treats myself and our children very, very well, a stark contrast to my abusive ex.
I moved to my grandparents house fleeing that relationship, where my aunt lives. My aunt had been quite involved in our lives growing up as my mother was a single parent. Unfortunately in later years I realised how toxic she was, often speaking ill about our mother, stating that without her we would have had nothing etc. she is married but never had children of her own.
Myself and Anna spent 4 months here while looking for a place to rent, my aunt became heavily involved with Anna which at the time I saw nothing wrong with, as her husband and Anna had a wonderful bond. Following our move to our own house, Anna and I would often have sleepovers because I actually liked being down there. I met my now partner and we would have visited for dinner on Sunday or came down to visit in the week.
COVID happened and sleepovers were ceased as to protect my elderly grandparent. We were fine with this and began to make our own weekend rituals, which was especially nice as I spent the week studying and Anna was in nursery, so weekends were our uninterrupted time together, hence we had sleepovers together pre COVID.
When things started to open back up again, we resumed visits, but not sleepovers as by this stage we had moved in together, though I did allow Anna one or two sleepovers, just not on the scale that we had previously.
I was having a conversation with my aunt about choosing schools, I had a few in mind, two close to my home and one near the site that we were beginning to build our home on. She flipped and went mental, "you are not sending anna to those schools do you hear me" she screamed pointing her finger at me. Demanded I send her to a school closed to aunts house. I was gobsmacked, then she proceeded to say that she wanted Anna to have sleepovers every week again,and insisted I never slept over with her at all! when I explained that we are gone from each other all week and that's my only interrupted time with her she scoffed at me and said thing is your partner controlling you, he's just the same as your ex!
I left the house in a rage, told her husband passing to go in and sort out his wife. My partner wasn't there but he has never set foot in the house nor spoken to them since.
Since then,I've held out the olive branch to which she wouldn't apologise and stated she's entitled to her opinion. So I've kept myself and Anna away. I've heard through other family members that she is saying we are keeping Anna away from her (she knows we're we live FFS), that he's controlling me, he's an ahole, she has even had my mother on her side stating aunt is "entitled" to see Anna. When I was in hospital giving birth my sister rang to tell me that my mother was planning on bringing Anna to her house. So my sister intercepted and took her elsewhere. There has been other things, even before the fight, like Anna calling her mama when she called everyone mama and saying how she liked it, being overly cuddly with her, expressing annoyance that I wouldn't put outfits that she had bought her for special events, despite me already having done so, saying that she would love to adopt her should anything happen etc. she races to her at family events, she gives her birthday presents whenever she sees her regardless how long it has been since her birthday,, she doesnt acknowledge our other children, she also had no interest in my niece's either. Only Anna.
When I had my last child I brought the baby to my grandparent to see her, he barely acknowledged the baby, instead saying that I should bring Anna,that she belongs there, because if it wasn't for my aunt putting clothes on her back and food in her mouth social services would have taken her from me. Which is the biggest pile of stinking... I've ever heard. Nobody has ever given to Anna what I couldn't already.
So since the initial argument years ago, Anna has never been left alone with her. I've up and left as soon as anything untoward was said.
Today we had an event that my aunt was late for, we had been there a while so I was going soon because the baby was very tired and needed a nap. When I realised that she was there and gone, I saw Anna out in aunt's car alone with her. So I went out and toddler followed, told Anna we were going, to which aunt got irritated and told me to go on and leave anna there.i said absolutely not, but anna was visibly uncomfortable and seemed glad. Toddler climbed into the car with them and as I was putting the baby in the car I saw what I thought was her shoving him on the ground, proceeding to walk off before she spied me and sweetly said oh baby are you ok. I picked him up and put him in,followed by Anna nearly running out the door away from her.
Anna told me on the way home that my aunt had asked her to come out to the car talk privately. She told Anna to keep itsecret (no chance, we don't keep secrets from mum) that it was myself and my partner saying horrible things to her first, that we were the ones telling lies, that my partner is bad to me and bad to Anna, that my partner is not her daddy and that I shouldn't be her mother, but actually that she should be!
She was so annoyed and I was so angry I had to pull over for a minute to gather myself.
Anna said she knows it's lies, that we aren't bad to her and thought she was a bit delulu for saying what she said, especially since she is essentially a stranger to her now.
I'm ranting because I'm raging, I thought I did well keeping her from them to avoid this actual situation, but she sneaks her off to do this the first chance she got. I'm actually disgusted and feel so bad for my child for being put in that situation.
I don't know what to do, we have ignored it all over the years, maintained the bigger person. But now I just want to go to her house and blacken her eyes. My partner wasn't at the event due to other commitments and I haven't told him yet, but I know he's going to be upset too as he considers Anna his own.
I think from here on out I'll avoid affairs that involve her and totally cut her off.

Hey, it’s me. It’s been a while since we last saw each other, I hope you’re living your best life and that your friends and family are well.
Last time I tried to reach out to you I still wasn’t thinking clearly, I wasn’t being entirely honest when I was asking for closure- I’m sorry. After the breakup, I was still healing, hoping in my heart that if I gave us a little bit of time and space, we would meet up, work things out and get back together. I had the best intentions at heart and I just hope you know that.
I still have so much that I want to say and I wish I could say it to you without anymore miscommunication and fumbling on my words so here it goes.
When I first met you at the coffee shop, I was taken aback by this gorgeous girl who was funny, a little shy, hardworking and caring. I believed that you were exactly the person I was waiting for…and you were absolutely worth the wait. I couldn’t wait to see you again, when we met again my feelings for you grew stronger, I still remember you hiding your face in your scarf, I thought it was so cute and I was falling for you more and more.
I still remember our first kiss like it was yesterday, I eased into you, I felt secure feeling you close to me it was like a dream.
The next date was also incredible, meeting your friends was also great they’re such amazing people and I hope they’re well by the way. Walking around the town, seeing all the Christmas markets, grabbing a drink at that arcade bar, you whooping my ass at table hockey, and who could forget about that mini pouch of Tropicana at the pizza place (didn’t need a glass for that one haha). What I remember the most was how you cuddled up to me on the way back in the train.
Before we knew it, I made us official the next time we went the dessert shop. I was awkward as hell haha but it was the best decision of my life because it led to so many amazing memories I will cherish forever on top of the ones I just listed:

⁃ You meeting my parents- I felt so much pride and I was so glad when my parents loved you ⁃ Coming round on Boxing Day- it was an amazing day ⁃ New Year’s Eve- welcoming the new year with you, hoping our relationship continued to grow ⁃ Our games of Bowling- you really whipped my ass ⁃ Our games of mini golf- always loved them, you won the best of 3- fair game ⁃ Valentine’s Day when I gave you that bracelet and that cheesy card haha, you gave me a lovely picture of us both and a lovely meal ⁃ The meals round mine- dad makes amazing pizzas ⁃ That night at the bar- I’ll admit cocktails are great 

And the night I’ll never forget. I feel like that night, I’ve never been closer to you, our lovely meal when we were laughing together like there’s no tomorrow, having a drink at bout to show you some moves. Going back to the room, was the strongest I felt for you, that moment we shared together was beautiful and that was when I was truly in love.
I still felt so strongly for you, I missed you every day on that trip to and I thought of you each day. Coming back, everything changed and I felt like we were drifting apart. I was blaming myself so hard for what happened on my Birthday seeing you hurt- I felt like I was to blame. I still do now.
The day we broke up, still feels like a bad dream, it hurts knowing that’s reality. It hurts more knowing I was fighting for us whilst you were drifting away from me, it broke my heart, I felt like you gave up on me. I know we agreed but honestly I wasn’t happy, I thought ending things amicably was better for both of us but I guess it only really helped you. I’m not blaming you, that’s not fair to do that, you had your reasons and I understand completely why you weren’t happy with me no more.
The reasons why we didn’t work out: the communication, not understanding your job and the fact we weren’t moving forward. I’ve had time to self-reflect and I now understand why I was the way I was.
I was always hard on myself when it came to, well everything namely my job, my college work, my future, etc. I always questioned whether I was doing enough, whether I’d reach my full potential and being afraid of making mistakes. Those insecurities invaded the relationship and it’s why sometimes my communication was poor and why I sometimes was silent. It’s cause I stressed myself out over something that wasn’t a concern. That’s also why I would forget things or struggle listening, since I let that go I’m now much better.
When it came to your job, I did understand that you had to work different shifts compared to my job and I knew that. I guess because I stepped up on my communication I guess I was expecting more from you whether it was unrealistic or not.
Now I won’t lie, I guess I was also dissatisfied with some things with you and I felt frustrated at times.
I knew that you were awkward with physical intimacy and I understood. I did try my best to still show you my affection and make you feel loved. I felt rejected at times whenever you would shrug me off when it came to hugging or holding hands whether it was in front of my parents or even between us, when you didn’t reciprocate, it left me feeling uncertain at times.
Your sarcastic sense of humour did sometimes rub me the wrong way, I guess I just didn’t understand the jokes sometimes or I didn’t see it as such.
I did think sometimes you were a bit selfish too, like on your Birthday weekend. I did feel left out and like you didn’t really want me there, I absolutely understand your family should be your priority but I felt like you made it my responsibility to secure my place there and I felt it was unfair. I always considered you for every plan I made whether it was my Birthday or a future holiday.
Introducing you to my parents was also a huge step for me, I did that because I was sure about you. When you didn’t do the same despite everything I did, I felt like you were keeping me at an arms length and like you were trying to keep me out of your life.
Maybe you were also a bit unforgiving towards my struggles with listening. I reckon working around loud machinery all day, every day has affected me a bit and I’m sorry about that.
Despite those things, I still wanted to be with you and I was hoping with time we’d be the perfect couple. I was always eager to plan our next date, future plans for us too: holidays, events and I was also hoping I’d meet your family one day. I suppose it wasn’t meant to be but it still hurts knowing we’re not together no more, I still feel like I had so much more to give.
I feel like what we had was something special, it came at the right time, we are both definitely the right people and we had something amazing. I wished the problems we had didn’t push us apart, I feel like we could’ve overcame them. If you lost feelings for me, I get it but it still hurts and I hope you understand.
I’d give anything to talk to you again, simply just be with you again. I still hope, in my heart, that one day we’ll see each other again, that this isn’t really the end. Whether it’s at a coffee shop, a concert or in town, I still wish to see your face again, we pick up right where we left off. If we need to take it slow, I just hope we find our way back because things like us only happen once in a lifetime. I still miss you, your gorgeous smile, your laugh, simply just you.
If not, that’s ok. I know you’re happy now, I’m happy for you too, I wish nothing but the best for you. I just wished you could be your best with me. I’m ok though, no need to worry about me, I’m living my best life too and everything is looking up.
I hope this isn’t goodbye but if I don’t see you again, I hope you have an amazing life.
I’m glad you heard me out, eventually haha, and I’m happy knowing I got everything off my chest.
Thank you for everything and take care

"I, John, who am both your brother and friend in trouble, and in the kingdom and suffering of Jesus Christ, was on the island called Patam, for the word of God and for the testimony of Jesus Christ. I was in the spirit on a weekday, and I heard behind me a voice as great as a trumpet saying: I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last; And write what you see in a book, and send it to the churches that are in Asia: to Ephesus, and to Smyrna, and to Pergamum, and to Thyatira, and to Sardis, and to Philadelphia, and to Laodicea."
Rev. 1:9-11
In this introduction, it seems as if Jovan is surprised and says, "I, Jovan," am I something special, so God reveals these things to me. Jovan was very humble when he wrote this because he continues, "I am your brother and friend in troubles," John does not say, "I John who am an apostle, who am above you or something like that" here John says, "brother" so John is a brother and not something more than a brother, John shares good and bad with his brothers. he suffered with the brothers when the church was persecuted. John did not exalt himself above the brothers as some do today, proclaiming themselves to be super holy or something similar. If we think humanly, John had the elements to "say something about himself" but he did not because he put himself in the same rank as his brothers, and that's where you can see how spiritual and humble John is. The truth is John was an apostle chosen by God, he even had special privileges to be near Jesus, he was also in the narrow circle of privileges with Peter and James, and he was given the grace to write the Gospel according to John, the three epistles as well as the Revelation in which he saw something that probably no one before him had. But John does not mention any of that nor does he use privileges with people to prove himself, he simply says, "I John, who am both your brother and friend in trouble, and in the kingdom and suffering of Jesus Christ."
Here we see that John says in the "kingdom" and this refers to the spiritual kingdom that has begun and in which Jesus reigns, that is the church of God, which we also read about in the sixth verse:
"And make us kings and priests to God and your Father"
Rev. 1:6
of course, this is also by grace because this is unimaginable for us humans. We know what we are like and what we like to do, but God does not deal with us according to our mistakes, but makes us emperors and priests.
"And you are the chosen race, the royal priesthood, the holy people, the people of gain, to announce the benefactors of the One who called you out of darkness to his strange light"
1 Peter 2:9
So we became the emperor's priests and now we all have direct access to God based on the merits of the Lord Jesus. Here John encourages the brothers and says, "Like you, I am a humble servant of Christ's kingdom. Jesus has redeemed us and now reigns in our hearts."
And the last thing that John mentions at the beginning of this verse is, "the suffering of Jesus Christ". We know that the church went through enormous problems and torments and that a large number of believers ended their lives by martyrdom, and through all of this a common characteristic permeates, "patience" and waiting for the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ.. John is now writing about this. He says, "I John" humble brother, "I have the great privilege to write to you the revelation of the eternal God until the very end" which will confirm the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ in glory to establish an eternal kingdom.
He continues further, "I was on an island called Patmos, for the word of God and for the testimony of Jesus Christ" John tells us that he was exiled to the island of Patmos to preach the word of God, and in the last part we see that he also preached the second coming of Christ, and for the testimony Jesus Christ" and the explanation is in:
"...for the testimony of Jesus is the Spirit of Prophecy."
Rev. 19:10
When Jovan was sent to the island, he was about ninety years old and there he was among criminals and political prisoners because the Roman government designated the island of Patmos for those categories. The island was isolated and everyone who was on this island lost their civil rights as well as their possessions, and they were extremely rude to the prisoners, besides, they gave them very little food and they did very hard work while they slept in a cave.
Jovan also went through these sufferings, but it is not written in which group he was assigned because he was neither a criminal nor a politician, he was there because of the word of God and now amid those sufferings on an isolated island, God appears to him.
"I was in the spirit on a Sunday" John says that he was in the Spirit, which means that John was outside the normal senses that we use on earth, he was in the Spirit. So God gives him revelation in an unnatural way with the Holy Spirit on Sunday. John continues "and I heard behind me a voice as loud as a trumpet speaking", John heard the voice of the Lord Jesus Christ giving him instructions on what to do.
This voice of God is also mentioned:
"...God answered him with a voice."
Exod.19:19
"He gave you to hear His voice from heaven to teach you, and He showed you His great fire on earth, and you heard His words in the midst of the fire."
Deut. 4:36
"And I heard a great voice from heaven saying"
Rev. 21:3
This voice that John hears with instructions on what to do is the voice of God, the voice of Authority, the voice of the One who is Omnipotent, the voice of the One who has neither beginning nor end, the voice of the One who is the Alpha and the Omega, the voice of the One who is the First and the Last.
"I am Alpha and Omega, the First and the Last; And write what you see in a book, and send it to the churches that are in Asia: to Ephesus, and Smyrna, and Pergamum, and Thyatira, and Sardis, and Philadelphia, and Laodicea."
The Lord Jesus tells John to send a book with what he sees to the seven cities where there were churches in the order that is given from Ephesus to Laodicea and back to Ephesus. The local churches were independent and each had a preacher under the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ because He is the head of the church.
"... Christ is the head of the church,"
Eph. 5:23

Q: Literature saves people, or helps to save them. How did writing affect you?

Let me tell you one thing. Simply the fact of writing the first book saved my life. I’m always told that the world I created is unreal; it was that which allowed me to escape. Yes, it’s true; it’s unreal up to a point. But not because my world was magical but because all writers evade themselves. Additionally, I did not write only to escape but because I searched to understand ideas which concerned me. Ideas such as love, loss, separation, death… and all that is reflected in the first book.

Q: What else did that first book give you?

A place in a prosaic level, writing that book gave me the discipline, the focus and the ambition, which back then was reduced to simply seeing the book published.

Q: How was the day of publication?

I saw my dream become reality. It was an extraordinary moment. I couldn’t believe it, I was entranced. And in some way almost immediately I felt as though a train was pushing me from behind at full speed, as in a cartoon. I thought: “What’s happened to me?” Three months later I received an incredible advance, according to my standards back then. In that time, I was renting a flat, I didn” have security or savings. I wore second-hand clothes. Then, money was scarce and to have that money all of a sudden was extraordinary. That night I couldn’t sleep. The next day, journalists started to appear, they gave me an important prize, The Sun called me to buy the rights for the story of my life and the journalists began to patrol in front of my house. And let me tell you something: it scared me a lot.

Q: Your books appear to be full of personal details.

I tend to use significant dates. When I need a date or a number, I use something related to my personal life. I don’t know why I do it, it’s a tic. Harry’s birthday is the same date as mine, for example. The numbers that appear or dates that are in the books are related to my life.

Translation via Leaky

Hi everyone :) Im 25f and have been struggling with SA since I was a small kid, with it peaking during my teenage years. I thought of sharing a bit of my story to maybe help some & inspire you, that things will get better!
To put things in perspective: I've always been super scared for anything. to go to school or to friends. As a child I would cry if my mom would drop me off at friends and I always begged her to go with me to fieldtrips or birthdays. This even had physical effects, I had crazy headaches almost everyday from anxiety, during bad SA I also had high pulse, blackouts. I would have a crying panic attack in the supermarket because I was so overwhelmed asking the person at the store where a product was. I wanted to rather die than go to someones birthday party. I missed a lot of good opportunities because of my SA.
As a teen I started to figure it out and I could finally do something about. My most important steps: - realizing I had SA -> analyzing what actually triggers me (which excact event/interaction) for instance: i could not go into a store alone. So what I did was go into the store with my mom. Then she would leave me alone for 5 minutes. Next time 10 minutes. Next time I go in alone and my mom joins me later, until I can do it fully alone. Take babysteps to get better!

• talk about, write about, read about it. The more you understand it, the more you can do about.
  
• start to see your own thoughtpatterns: everytime you realize this SA voice is talking to you, try to stop and actually realize that this is fear talking and not your own self. If you are aware and analyze these thoughtpatterns you can change them.
  
• this is a very harsh truth but actually try to understand this: No. One. Cares. About. You. I don't mean this in a mean way. (I'm not talking about friends/family) But every stranger, classmate or colleage will literally go on with their lives, no matter how "awkward" you are. (Not to mention most of the time the convos are actually not awkward but our SA makes us overthink it) Always think about this: is this person going to remember this in.. a day? A week? A year? Unless you ran around naked, the answer is probably no. Which actually is super liberating. People are only obsessing about themselves in their heads, not you. And second: why would you even value this person's opinion? Unless they are family/friends or a mentor, their opinion literally has no value and doesn't impact you.
  
• do things that scare you: this is easier said then done, but I can only recommend to: sign up for that class where you will have to give a presentation, or go on the solo trip in another country. (Ofcourse only if it is still doable and you'll not have multiple panick attacks xD but also be honest with yourself: if you can -eventhough you're super scared- you should do it)
  
• consume less negative content. I know it's really nice to read or talk to people that suffer the same problems as you. But I have really felt that when I shifted my mindset from: "I can not do this! I will never live anxiety free! Everyone hates me!" To: "alright it sucks, I am anxious right now, but it will get better." my anxiety also exponentially got better! (Watch yt videos with good advice or read books on SA)
  

The more you face your fear the easier it gets! I am now at a point where I can freely go up to people, make new friends, did a lot of presentations in uni and actually enjoyed them! Go out to clubs with friends, throw birthday parties. Volunteered to be a leader of group assignments and started work at a new company. Ofcourse, a lot of these things still gave me some anxiety at the very beginning, but with all these tricks I now live 95% of the time completely anxiety free.
I hope this post can help some ❤️ I believe in you!

My wife(35F) and I (35M) are newly weds. We live in the same city as our families. My family is pretty much like me, have careers, are independent and really like being in their own presence.
My wife's family is the opposite, alot of free time on their hands, hates being alone, are not independent.
Well, as most families do, they like to eat out and go to restaurants (all the time). However, here is the issue. They absolutely put the burden of the bill on my wife. This has caused me to not want to ever go out with them. Nothing makes me more mad than someone inviting someone somewhere then when it comes to the bill, they don't pay (or expect my wife to pay). In many situations this has happened and the bill being $300-$600 each time.
I had a sit down with my wife and told her listen, you are being financially taken advantage of. They only want to do things with you because you are footing the bill. If you do anything with them, it always involves going to a coffee shop, shopping and etc. and you are the one always footing the bill. When have they invited you somewhere and they paid for you? Hell, on your own birthday they don't even make plans for you (whereas my wife is always doing the planning for others bdays and always footing the bill). I told her enough is enough, this isn't sustainable..
We are fortunately moving to another city a couple hours away in the next few months and our rent is going to be pretty high (aka cost of eating out and what not will be high) When she told her mom, her moms first response was " can I come visit".
I told her this routine (you paying for their bill everytime) needs to end, You cannot afford this lifestyle. You have nothing saved for your future
AITAH for trying to protect my wife financially?

This is the most frequently violated rule of the sub. I posted this information as a comment on another post and we (mods) decided to make a separate post about it so there’s completely clarity and something to refer back to when needed.
The rule is; “No excuses, minimizing, or victim blaming.”
One of the only reasons we are allowed this space is because we have very strict rules. You’ll notice there are no other active RSO groups here. The rules we have and the fact that we strictly enforce them is why we are allowed to have this space.
This group is public, and we (the group itself) are not exactly well liked by most people (usually because they don’t really understand what the group is, but there are other obvious reasons) so we do have to be extra careful.
We have to be careful not to minimize actions or make harmful statements here because:

1. We are not here to harm victims of SO’s and it’s important to be careful not to.
   
2. Our ultimate goal should be to prevent these crimes from ever occurring again while allowing people who committed crimes to seek the help they need and to be able to successfully reenter society and live normal, productive, crime free lives. Making excuses, blaming victims for anything and minimizing past actions are not conducive to that.
   
3. We are here as a resource to help you more forward in life.
   

People already assume that, if you’re on the registry, it’s because you’ve committed a violent sex crime.
When people here say things that even allude to making excuses, minimizing, or victim blaming, people are hurt by it. Others, who are looking for reasons to make it appear the absolute worst that it can often screenshot it. They post it in other groups, they make YouTube or tiktok videos or post them on other social media.
I don’t believe that most people here don’t mean to minimize or victim blame or make excuses when they type those statements. However, how they appear matters.
People see that and become enraged. They don’t come read more or try to understand anything, they just become enraged (their feelings may be misguided but are understandable - 1 in 4 people have been a victim and 86% of their abusers are never prosecuted, so there’s a lot of built up hurt and a lot of people who never got justice for what happened to them.)
People being enraged by those comments leads to the group being trolled (which means we have to spend every minute of several days removing some of the most vile and nasty things you’ve ever read), and to the group being reported over and over and over again.
It’s hard to cover every single thing that falls under those categories, but I’ll try to give you a rough idea.
Below are examples and the reasons those things are problematic.
Examples of excuses:
• ⁠“It’s not my fault because _____”
• ⁠“I don’t know how I could be expected for know she was only 14.”
• ⁠“She started it.”
• ⁠“I only did it because of depression.”
• ⁠“I only did it because I was young and dumb.”
• ⁠“My wife wasn’t paying attention to me.”
• ⁠“It was an accident.”
Sex crimes are not to be referred to as accidents here. Accidents are slipping on a patch of ice, hitting one of those yellow poles in a drive thru, spilling a drink, etc… Committing a sex crime may be a really poor decision, a terrible thing to do, a regrettable action, etc… referring to it as an accident makes people think you’re comparing it to failing a test.
• ⁠“It shouldn’t be a crime anyway.”
And maybe it shouldn’t. I will never think that a 16 and 18 year old engaging in sex that they both want to have should be criminalized - but it is. However, when people see someone say that something shouldn’t be a crime without enough context they 100% assume that you’re saying raping children shouldn’t be a crime. Doesn’t matter what you’re actually referring to, that’s what they read because they’re already expecting the worst.
Examples of victim blaming:
• ⁠“the victim lied…” - that may be true but you’re not saying it here because it’s not going to be perceived the way you mean it. Ever. Under no context is it okay to say here, that’s a conversation to have with your attorney.
• ⁠“Why would she have dressed like that if she didn’t want to ______?”
• ⁠“She didn’t tell me she was 14.”
• ⁠“She sent me the picture, I posted it on the dark web because she was a b*tch and deserved it.”
• ⁠“I know I was wrong, but did this…”
Anything that’s disparaging about a victim is going to be removed. Period. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or it isn’t, it’s not staying. There’s no reason to say it.
This includes stating things that a victim did that you feel has harmed you somehow.
Examples of minimizing:
• ⁠Probably the most common is referring to a sex crime as a mistake.
“It was a mistake” - any and every time you refer to a sex crime as a “mistake” the post or comment will be removed.
A “mistake” is defined as “an error” “a goof” or “a slip up” Messing up on a test is a mistake, eating so much cake that you feel sick is a mistake, forgetting your moms birthday is a mistake, hitting “reply all” on an email is a mistake…. Referring to committing a sex crime as a “mistake” absolutely enrages people.
Imagine telling a victim, “oops, sorry, didn’t mean to…” because that’s what they hear.
It’s a decision. It’s an action. It’s a crime. It’s whatever else you want to call it that accepts accountability. Any and every time it is referred to as a mistake it will be removed.
• ⁠“I didn’t have any victims,” is a common one.
There are exceptionally few sex crimes that do not have victims. Arguably, they all do.
So you cannot say that here, especially without any context. Period. Ever.
I don’t care if you’re the exceptional rarity where there may actually not technically be one, you don’t get to say “I didn’t have any victims” here. Not everyone knows your story and saying things like this absolutely enrages people.
• ⁠“There were no victims,” when referring to CSAM.
Yes, there were. We aren’t going to get on board with saying there weren’t. Every underage person in those photos were victims. Period. One of the biggest and most common things that gets us in trouble is when people say that.
** People have asked about stating that stings have no victims - According to the general public, who are unaware as to how these stings are often conducted, it’s the person you though it was and it saved a real child. Saying there’s no victim, causes rage, so don’t do it.
Arguably, you could say that there’s no victim if a 17 year old willingly, knowingly, without being asked, without coercion, sends a photo of themselves to someone 18+ and the person who is 18+ gets arrested for it. But people who don’t know your story, don’t know your story. They picture you having downloaded hundreds or thousands of videos of kids who are anywhere from babies to young teens being raped and m-bating to those. That’s what people think every single time. So you cannot state that you had no victims here ever.
Imagine you’re standing in a room filled with victims of CSAM. Would you stand there and say, “Watching CSAM is a victimless crime”? - I mean, I really hope you wouldn’t. If you did, I’m sure you’d face some pretty ugly repercussions.
So, before you post / say things - think about these things:
• ⁠If you were standing in a room filled with victims of SO’s, would you say it?
• ⁠Would you say it the way you just said it to someone you know was brutally raped?
• ⁠If you were speaking to a group of people who were horribly abused and violated as children, would you say that the way you just did?
Because you’re posting it in a public group. Those people ARE reading it so you ARE saying it to them.
• ⁠Are you giving enough context where a victim of a sex crime won’t feel like you’re saying it’s their fault?
• ⁠Are you being accountable for your actions?
• ⁠Did you accept responsibility?
• ⁠Does it sound like you are making excuses?
• ⁠Did you provide enough context where it doesn’t look like you’re saying something that’s harmful to others?
• ⁠Are people going to understand what you’re saying?
I, and other mods; are cussed at, called names, degraded, etc… a lot by people who are members here because we’ve removed their post for these things.
Usually because they’re not bothering to read the entire statement, not bothering to look at what they posted and how it will be perceived, and not bothering to understand why we have those rules, “I’M NOT VICTIM BLAMING YOU STUPID ___” “You’re just as bad as ___”, “You’re oppressive and horrible and not supportive,” “who the fck are you to judge me?”, “fck you and your gd judgement,” etc…
Users here are forever getting pissed at us because they don’t think we should care what “outsiders” think.
We disagree. We have to care what they think if we want to be allowed this space.
We are also the one and only place on the entire internet where people sit and watch people convicted of SO’s talk to each other. There’s nowhere else that exists.
Considering that most of them assume everyone on the registry is the worst of the worst and assume you’re there because you rped babies and filmed it, violently raped someone, molested young children, etc… this is the only place they see that’s *not what the registry is anymore.
Do you want those people to think you’re excusing ped*philia (which nobody here has ever done that I’ve seen in the years I’ve been here) or do you want them to realize what the reality of the registry is? Do you want them to fight against you or realize, “this registry shit is out of control”? Do you want people to continue thinking people on the registry are the worst of the worst of the worst?
This group changes a lot of peoples opinions about RSO’s. Do you want it to be changed for the better or for worse?
So, yeah, if it looks like you’re saying something super offensive or shitty that minimizes the pain of others, minimizes the impact the crime you committed, or you’re saying something we know will be perceived that way it will be removed. It’s not an accusation, it’s not us telling you that you’re bad, it’s us protecting this group and every person who uses it.
If you have a post removed for these reasons we do usually try to explain it but we can’t always, because modding this group is like having a second full time job. You can reword your post and repost it. You just can’t leave it as it was.
And if you’re genuinely doing those things - actually blaming victims, actually minimizing, actually making excuses on a regular basis after being warned or you decide to mock or criticize us for removing those comments in your next one you’ll also be banned.
Strict rules and being cautious not to harm others is how this group still exists when every single other group has been removed.

Okay, so, Dual Process's FNAF Theory has become fairly popular at this point. Fun fact, it's the first video on their shared channel and bumped them up to have over 16k Subs, so, congrats to them, that's really cool. The video is also fairly well made but the main point everyone is talking about is CassidyVictim.
Now, CassidyVictim isn't a new theory by any means, it has existed technically since FNAF 4. The idea basically is that BV is the 5th victim of the MCI or was considered the 5th victim of the MCI. This theory started because BV being Golden Freddy was a very popular theory at the time and still to this day, however, the problem people ran into back in FNAF 4 was that if BV is Golden Freddy, then who is the 5th MCI Child? It had been an established part of continuity since the 1st game that Golden Freddy was the 5th MCI child and that perspective hadn't changed throughout any of the first 3 games. But with FNAF 4's release and the connection between the Bite of '83 and Happiest Day being very evident, people were questioning Golden Freddy's identity for the first time since that very first game.
Typically, people who believed in GoldenVictim at the time of FNAF 4 fell into one of two camps on the matter of the 5th MCI kid, the most popular was that the 5th MCI kid was The Puppet while BV was Golden Freddy. The less popular one was BV5th or, as we call it now, CassidyVictim. There were different perspectives on this theory, one was that the Bite of '83 was covered up and so, to the public, BV just went missing, thus being tied to the other missing children. The other was the one posed by the video, that BV survived the Bite but died in the MCI. Sometimes it was reversed so that BV survived the MCI but died in the bite, there's also another one that suggests BV was revived after one of the events and died later, but we won't go into those.
CassidyVictim was always the least popular of the two interpretations and it was typically The Puppet that would be considered as the 5th MCI child despite the trilogy novels having the 5th MCI child being Golden Freddy. It wouldn't be until FFPS and the Logbook that this idea fell out of favor. The Lorekeeper Ending showed 6 graves, the one in the back was generally accepted to belong to Charlie while the 5 in the front were accepted to belong to the MCI victims, this was especially believed thanks to parts of The Fourth Closet being linked mentioning a girl named Susie as an MCI kid who lost her dog and was lured by William using knowledge of that lost dog, allowing the community to connect Susie to the Fruity Maze girl and to the graves.
So, it seemed obvious at that point that The Puppet wasn't the 5th MCI Victim but instead Golden Freddy thanks to the comparisons between the FNAF 3 endings and the Lorekeeper Graves. But Golden Freddy was officially recognized as an MCI child again thanks to the Logbook revealing the name Cassidy, a name that was soon linked to Golden Freddy thanks to the "It's Me" messages found in the Word Search and the faded "My Name" written in a drawing of a grave that Mike made which people immediately linked to the grave that was covered by grass in the Lorekeeper Ending. Cassidy was also one of the MCI children in The Fourth Closet, so it would make sense for her name to appear on one of the graves. This seemingly proved 100% that Golden Freddy was an MCI victim named Cassidy and NOT BV, right?
Well, while it was generally agreed that Cassidy was the name of Golden Freddy and an MCI victim, that didn't seem to be enough for some people to jump ship from BV5th, and soon CassidyVictim was born. The logic was basically that BV NEEDED to be Golden Freddy and since Cassidy is Golden Freddy BV must be Cassidy. Seems simple enough, so, let's explain why this doesn't work.
Firstly, Cassidy is 100%, without a doubt, the name belonging to the Faded Text. The way we got the name Cassidy was thanks to faded text putting the words "My Name" on various pages with either altered numbers and numbers written by Mike. Faded saying "My Name" implies that whatever name we get from the code would have to belong to faded, thus, Faded is Cassidy, no doubt about it. Now, whether you're a LogbookDuo believer or not, there is no debate that faded is asking questions to the BV, I don't think I have to even list those questions anymore considering everyone probably knows them by now. So, if Cassidy IS BV, why is BV asking questions to themselves? It doesn't really add up. The "My Name" thing is directly mentioned in the video but it's never explained why Faded says "My Name" instead of "Your Name" if Faded isn't Cassidy, it's just kind of glossed over.
Another thing I want to mention about this is the duo in the video do believe that BV is the one altering the text. This is important because in the Word Search, altered is the one that asks "Who are you?" and "What is your name?" Why would altered, which the video and a major part of the community thinks is BV, ask for the name of Faded but Faded just not answer? Also, Faded NEVER asks BV anything about his name, just about his memories.
Now, before I tackle the version of CassidyVictim brought up in the video, the idea that BV survives the bite, let's tackled the classic version of CassidyVictim first, the idea that BV's death was covered up as a disappearance and looped in with the other MCI disappearances. Now, in order for two cases to be linked together, they must share similarities and the Bite of '83 and the MCI, just don't, even if the police knew nothing about the Bite, they likely still wouldn't connect the two events.
According to the newspapers, the MCI is an event that took place at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza where children went missing in the late hours of operation after being lured by someone in a mascot costume to a back room. Even if the police didn't know ANYTHING about what happened inside the FNAF 4 location on BV's birthday, they WOULD know that BV didn't vanish at Freddy's, but Fredbear's. The second newspaper explicitly states that 5 children were linked to an incident at FREDDY FAZBEAR'S PIZZA. All the kids disappeared at Freddy's, not Fredbear's. This is even more obvious when we turn to Foxy Go Go Go where the 5 kids are shown dead AT Freddy's. The Trilogy Novels have all 5 go missing AT Freddy's. Into the Pit have the 6 kids die AT Freddy's. The film has the 5 kids go missing AT Freddy's. Every version of the MCI, no matter the continuity, happens AT Freddy's. William is also responsible for killing all 5 of the kids, not just 4 and one being an accident, all of these versions of the MCI involve William being the one responsible for all of them. The only way this works is if all those other depictions of the MCI don't count and the police were told that BV went missing at Freddy's, not Fredbear's which we have no proof of such a lie being told aside from it being the only way this version of CassidyVictim makes sense.
Now, let's focus back on the video interpretation of CassidyVictim. First, let's make it clear that Cassidy is a girl and not a boy. In The Fourth Closet, Cassidy is one of the 5 MCI victims just like in the games and she's described as a girl with long black hair in the books. In the Logbook, the book that revealed that Cassidy exists in the games, we're shown an image of The Puppet giving cake to a girl with black hair on a page that uses the phrase "Happiest Day". This is important as it connects this image to the Happiest Day minigame, the ONLY minigame where The Puppet gives cake to a child and I'm pretty sure the only time in the entire franchise The Puppet gives cake to a child, and it just so happens to be the 5th MCI child, the Golden Freddy kid.
Now, of course, if you believe that BV is the one receiving the Happiest Day in FNAF 3, then this evidence probably isn't something you'll see as good evidence against CassidyVictim. Perhaps the image on a page referencing Happiest Day means literally nothing and is just a coincidence or reference with no lore implication. Or maybe this is evidence that Cassidy is BV since BV is the one that received the cake and Cassidy is the one shown in the picture, Scott's trying to show that these two are connected, perhaps BV is the game universe's version of Cassidy in the novels. That seems like a bit of a stretch to me, but explaining why this is proof Cassidy is a girl and not proof that Cassidy and BV are the same person in this universe would require me to go on a tangent for how BV isn't the Golden Freddy in Happiest Day, so, let's not do that, you've likely heard all the reasons anyways.
So, now, let's cover exactly HOW the video described BV being able to be both the Bite of '83 victim AND the MCI victim. Their theory basically goes like this. After BV was bitten, he didn't actually die, instead he was stolen from the hospital by William and kept in the house or the hospital just sent him home. William does the MCI murders to find a way to save his son from death and after seeing how possession works, decides to stuff his son in the Fredbear suit, causing him to bleed out and die.
So, let's explain why BV surviving the bite is highly unlikely. Sure, a flatline doesn't technically mean death, but let's all remember that this is a story we are viewing. The scene has BV flatline as even more tears come from his eyes and the screen fades to black with the flatline sound continuing on. Now, I don't know about you, but that seems like a pretty clear indication that character is dead, the only way it could be more clear is if the Dark Souls "You Died" text appeared on screen. Typically, in a story, a flatline followed by a fade to black or a long moment of silence before changing to another scene typically means death, I feel like I shouldn't have to inform anyone of that fact but this was a very common rebuttal among anyone who believed BV survived after the bite. The only time a flatline doesn't mean death in a story is if it's followed by a heart beat sound, a sound we don't hear. Is it possible that the flatline is because William unhooked him from the machine and stole him from the hospital? Sure. Is that the thing being implied in the context of the story and the scene? No.
Also, again, why would the police link his disappearances to ones at Freddy's? The video has it be that William said his son vanished from home but nothing about that would lead the police to link BV's disappearance at home to 4 other disappearances at a Freddy's location. And again, there isn't really any proof of William lying about what happened to his youngest son, aside from that it works with the theory they're presenting.
CassidyVictim just can't work thanks to the information from the Logbook and FNAF 4, which is kind of ironic considering that CassidyVictim is a theory that became believed thanks to FNAF 4 and the Logbook. Even if we ignored novel Cassidy and faded being the one to say "My Name" implying Cassidy is faded's name, then the theory still suffers from the evidence being a lot of guessing or assumptions. Again, the theory comes from the idea that BV is Golden Freddy and the 5th MCI Kid is Golden Freddy, both individually having evidence, but the theory ASSUMES that must mean they're the same person and try to make a theory AROUND that idea. So, it ASSUMES that William lied about what happened to his son and it ASSUMES BV wasn't killed in the bite despite the obvious implication. An argument can be made that a lot of FNAF theories involve assumptions, but the thing about this one is that it's ALL assumptions, the evidence for Cassidy being the Bite Victim doesn't really exist beyond the initial premise that both characters are tied to Golden Freddy and thus must be the same person, and I wouldn't really call that evidence.
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is some evidence for CassidyVictim that exists somewhere that I just haven't found or can't remember, if so, let me know, but from what I've seen, there really isn't anything.

This appears to be a new thing in D.C. so I wanted to write a really comprehensive summary of my experience trying out a dinner with Timeleft.
I had fun and would recommend it to anyone who might be interested in having dinner with a group of strangers and letting an app choose the restaurant for you.
Last week, I saw this ad on Facebook. If you don't want to click the link, it's a screenshot of the ad I saw. The ad is by Timeleft and it says "Dine with 5 strangers, all matched by our algorithm. Every Wednesday night in your city"
Best case scenario, I have a wonderful meal where I meet interesting people and have the potential to make new friends. Worst case scenario, I get murdered... but like many other millennials, I think I wouldn't mind that so much. My risk-benefit analysis tells me to go for it.
I'll separate the rest of this post by

• providing a general overview of how signing up with Timeleft works
• a summary of my personal experience this past Wednesday
• some more thoughts and hopes for this platform

Overview of Timeleft

Here's the website for Timeleft: https://timeleft.com/
In order to sign up for the next available dinner, you must pay a monthly subscription. It's $26 for one month, $56 for three months, and $86 for 6 months. It appears that Timeleft is not making you pay for a subscription if you can wait one or two weeks to reserve a dinner. Someone can correct me if that's actually not the case.
The subscription is paid to Timeleft. The cost does not go towards your dinner.
When you sign up, it asks you to select what country and city you would like to have your dinner in. Here are the options for the United States: Atlanta, Boston, Los Angeles, Miami, New York, Philadelphia, Washington D.C.
For D.C. they provide options in these areas:

• Capitol Hill/Navy Yard
• Dupont Circle/Shaw

Timeleft will ask a series of personality-quiz style questions and ask for basic demographic information. Some questions are single-choice and others are choosing a number between 1-10 to indicate how strongly you feel about what's being asked.
Purportedly the app will take your answers and use an algorithm to match you with a dinner group.
It will ask you for your birth year, and this is the only answer that you cannot edit later in your profile. All other answer choices can be edited after initial account set-up.
The only time and date option for reserving a dinner are Wednesdays with a start time of 7pm. At 7pm the night before your dinner, you will be given a summary of your group. The summary it gives you will look something like this:

Industry: % work in this sector, % in that sector, % in other
Nationalities: % American, % Portgugal
Zodiac signs: % Aries, % Gemini, etc
Main language spoken: English

At 9am on the morning of your dinner, you will be notified of what restaurant and table # you're assigned.
After this point, there seems to be differences in feature depending on whether or not you download the Timeleft app. The browser version of Timeleft gave me my restaurant name, address, table #, and the option to confirm my attendance or indicate that I would be late.
If you need to cancel the day-of, you would need to download the app.
If you are late or need to cancel, you can indicate it on the app. The rest of your table will receive a notification about your status. If you have more than two same-day cancellations in one month, Timeleft says they will cancel your subscription. Your table can also tell the app if you were a no-show, so I would assume the same rule applies to no-shows.
At 8pm, Timeleft gives you a recommendation for a spot to head to for after-dinner drinks so that you can continue hanging out with your table.
After the dinner, if you have the app, you would be given the option to connect or not with the other guests you met at dinner. If two people agree to connect with each other, then the app gives you a chat.

My Dinner Experience

When I arrived at the restaurant, I told the hostess that I am here with Timeleft and was assigned Table number #
It's clear that the organizers set this up with the restaurant, because every one who arrived was able to let the restaurant know that they're with Timeleft and which table # they're assigned and there was no confusion.
At my restaurant, there were three tables in total. It looked like everyone was having a great conversation and enjoying themselves. The Timeleft app provides an icebreaker game, so if the conversation dulls, you can just play the game to inspire conversation.
My table had 4 people show up (including me) and 2 no-shows. Of the 4 of us, two had done a Timeleft dinner before and they enjoyed the experience.
From talking to those who had done Timeleft before, it sounds like there are at least two or three restaurants chosen for each neighborhood to be the dinner spot. For the Navy Yard/Capitol Hill option last week, it was Belga Cafe and Ambar.
Of the three tables in my restaurant, it looked like the Timeleft guests were grouped by age. One table seemed to be mid 40s to late 50s, then a table of 30's, and a table of late 20s.
My table all chose to go to the recommended bar after dinner. Of the other two tables, only one person joined us from one table and we did not get to interact with the third table at all.
We just had fun talking and making conversation. We had actual conversations about a variety of things and it never felt like a stale "getting to know you" or "what do you do for work" type of vibe. I had a great time.

My General Thoughts

I thought it was a great feature for the app to allow you to connect with someone from your table through a chat on the app after the dinner. It saves people who are uncomfortable giving away their phone numbers to essential strangers and gives you the opportunity to keep in touch if you forgot to exchange contact information.
I was told from the other guests that the after-dinner drinks place recommended by the app is the same for the guests at other tables and guests at other restaurants in your neighborhood. Those who are dining in Navy Yard/Capitol Hill are given the same bar recommendation and the Dupont/Shaw crowd gets a different recommendation.
So, I'm looking forward to doing more dinners and hopefully getting to meet people from not just my table, but people who were assigned to other tables and restaurants.
I'm guessing that the app's algorithm primarily groups people by age and meal preferences. I might be wrong. But the consensus from the other Timeleft users is that they also notice tables being grouped by age in their previous dinners.
What I love about D.C. is that a lot of people are transient or are new to the city, so it's easy to find a random group to hang out with in general. I have had success meeting people through Meetup.com, discord servers, and just other opportunities the city provides.
Timeleft is another opportunity for that, but I also get to try new restaurants and bars and I don't have to research too much or think about it before hand or make reservations. I can just show up and try to enjoy myself.
What else would I be doing on Wednesday nights anyway? Might as well try out a new restaurant!
Here's an article I found about Timeleft if you're interested in reading: https://www.vice.com/en/article/v7bnpb/timeleft-friend-finding-platform-review

If you're in the original ending camp, I think you'll agree. Deep Blue Sea is regarded as a cheap 90s popcorn film, but I read the script and discovered that they didn't just change the ending, they were forced to go back and cut so many elements in the story we didn't even notice, some of this extra deleted content wasn't included on the DVD or the 2010 Blu-Ray release of the film. I know these scenes were shot because there are stills floating around and some of this unseen content is in one of the TV spots. They cut so many scenes involving Susan McCallister (Saffron Burrows) after the ending was re-shot for the sole purpose of making you feel less sympathetic toward her so her death would feel less tragic and more deserved. They did this because the test audiences hated her, viewed her as the villain for causing the movie's conflict and felt that she deserved to die. They didn't have enough time to go back and re-shoot all of Susan's other scenes, which in my opinion would include changing her personality to make her more villainous or give her a more sinister motive. They just took the easy way out instead. I feel like the test audiences ruined her character and the story by killing her off. Just cutting half of her scenes to make you feel "Meh" toward her just made Susan a bland and uninteresting character opposed to what she was supposed to be. She was the main character and it was her story in a way. She was the only character with a story arc. I never saw her as a true villain because she never acted like one. She didn't have the motive of a villain. I know she screwed up and was the brainchild of the shark experiments but the deaths were all accidental and unintentional. She didn't want any of this to happen. The experiments with the sharks just went wrong, there wasn’t anything inherently malicious with her actions. She didn't know that a helicopter winch would break off causing Jim Whitlock (Stellan Skarsgard) to fall into the water for the shark to grab.
I would change this movie by adding in all of this deleted content that was cut from the theatrical version thanks to the test audiences negative reaction to Susan redeeming herself by killing her own creation. I want to add all deleted content, not just featured on the Blu-Ray, but featured in the script too.
I would add in one more detail about Susan's backstory aside from her dad dying from Alzheimer's and her mom dying in a car crash. In the script, it's revealed that Susan was the youngest scientist to win a MacArthur grant and had a brilliant mind. Show things from her perspective so the audience can understand her point of view and humanize her more.
I would also add in an explanation for why Carter Blake (Thomas Jane) ended up at Aquatica. In the script, it's revealed that Carter took the job because he needed work but stayed because he really liked Susan.
Elaborate a bit more about Russell Franklin (Samuel L. Jackson) and his avalanche backstory. Franklin was on a hike in the alps with a group when they were hit by an avalanche and resorted to killing and eating two in their group to survive.
In the scene where she threatens Carter about his job, the script notes she's embarrassed because of how it sounds and tries to soften things up with Carter in the next few lines when he walks off because he is upset with her. In the scene, you'll notice she turns back to him. They cut away before she delivers her next bit of lines, embarrassed about what she said in the heat of the moment. But in the script, Carter ignores her and won't answer so she turns and walks off embarrassed.
I would change the scene where the shark breaks the window with Jim Whitlock's corpse. I would have Susan, Carter, Franklin, Tom Scoggins (Michael Rapaport) and Janice Higgins (Jacqueline Mackenzie) start running to the door as soon as the glass starts cracking. It's better than just staring at the glass like idiots.
In the theatrical cut, Janice berates her for what happened to Jim. Even though Jim was equally responsible. But they actually made up before Janice was killed. Initially, Susan tries comforting her, but Janice rejects her because she blames Susan for everything. There's also another deleted scene where Janice is berating Susan and Susan tells Janice that Jim was her best friend. Janice asks "Really? When was his birthday and what did he like on his pizza?" Susan is a wreck and doesn't answer which makes you think Janice is correct while Susan is wrong. That made the deleted scenes because it made Susan look bad. But there was a scene that followed (which didn't make the deleted scenes). Janice is sitting by herself and Susan sneaks up and quietly says Jim's birthday, which takes Janice by surprise. Janice starts to cry and Susan names off Jim's favorite pizza toppings. Janice realizes Susan really did care about him and forgives her. Susan even gives her a heartfelt apology in a different scene. When Carter loses all hope on the ladder after Janice is eaten, you'll notice in the scene, Susan climbs over beside him. But there was actually dialogue that followed which was cut. She comforts Carter because he expresses guilt. He's also hopeless but she fills him with hope. And then Sherman Preacher Dudley (LL Cool J) shows up to save Susan, Carter and Scoggins, proving her optimism to be true. She even talks to Preacher about Janice and Jim, asking if he knew they were in love, after Janice's death while holding a picture of her. I appreciated this because, when your friends die, you aren't just going to move on like it's nothing. I know you can't drag the grief out in these films but little scenes like this make it so much more believable.
Establish Susan's relationship with Carter. She tells him she wants to take him up on that beer (which he offered at her birthday party) as she nurses his arm in the bathroom. In the theatrical cut, they cut away before she takes the gauze from him and starts wrapping his arm up. That's when the conversation gets deeper and personal between the two. Carter also talks to her about his time in prison. Carter served two years in prison for smuggling. I know it's implied he had a rough past, but I never knew it was prison. Before Carter and Scoggins leave for the control panels, Susan gives Carter a scuba knife for protection and Carter mocked her over the knife's size because it's small and won't work on a shark. But he keeps it in his leg strap. I would have Susan become a voice of reason in some scenes. In the script, she tries to talk Carter and Scoggins out of going to the control panels, warning them how dangerous it is and likely to fail... and she was correct, as Carter escaped after Scoggins was eaten.
Last but not least, I want to change the ending by adding in the original ending cause it's a much better ending. Preacher survives too. Everyone thinks he dies in the original ending for some reason but he still lives. The difference is, in the original ending, when he passes out after Susan nurses his leg, that's it. You don't see him again until the end. I prefer this because there's no way Preacher could have miraculously found the strength to hop up and save the day, as badly as he was wounded. Plus how did he know the plan? How was he able to also find the harpoon gun and battery he didn't even know existed and as quickly as he did at that? That's one of the reasons I hate the theatrical ending. In the original ending, Susan and Carter are looking at the ocean, admiring it's beauty, Susan expresses regret for what her actions caused, saying that all she wanted was to save people, not slaughter them. Carter realizes that the sharks were using them to flood the facility so it would sink and the sharks would escape out into open water and be free. Susan gave a monologue about how the shark can't escape because it will breed, take over the ocean and kill everyone and everything that it comes across. That's when Susan and Carter decide that they must kill it. While they're setting up the explosives, Carter tells Susan he learned how to rig explosives in prison. When Susan jumps into the water after cutting her hand, Carter rescues her unlike the theatrical ending where he gets there a second too late and she's eaten. In the original ending, he has her climb over him. She hops onto his shoulders and uses the other rungs to pull herself up. But she's not strong enough to pull Carter up despite her best efforts. Carter looks back at the shark, he lets go, falls into the water and rides the shark by clinging onto its fin. Susan climbs the tower and aims the harpoon at the shark. She fires and the harpoon hits the shark but penetrates Carter's leg. He yells at Susan to detonate the explosives, but she's hesitant because she knows it will kill him. When the cable is close to running out she realizes she has to do it. She blows the shark up. She has an emotional breakdown and starts crying believing she's killed Carter. Carter's head appears and she rushes over to pull him up. He reveals that he freed himself by using the scuba knife she gave him earlier, telling her that the knife came in handy after all. He teases her a bit about trying to blow him up and then they kiss. Susan, Carter and Preacher get on a raft and use it to leave Aquatica. While on the raft, Susan finds a bottle floating in the ocean, inside that bottle is a tape. It's the videotape Preacher made when he thought he was going to die. She gives the tape to Preacher since he lived. Then they see the next crew approaching on the boat.
And this is how I would fix Deep Blue Sea. I know people being picked off by sharks is more exciting, but there's nothing wrong with appreciating a good, deep story with more realistic and relatable characters from time to time too and I really believe this version was far superior to the theatrical cut. Plus, there's no way with this extra content, Carter and Preacher would have been able to carry on like she never existed. Carter would’ve been utterly gutted by Susan’s death as they grew close throughout the film. I mean, this was originally her story so naturally she should have lived alongside Carter and Preacher. The theatrical version sucked majorly compared to the original version. Thomas Jane and director Renny Harlin are both supporting the original ending petition. Hopefully Warner Bros will finally release all deleted content.

tek leaving is tragic, but honestly, it's been a long time coming. shed theory went on one of the most insane runs i've ever seen from late 2021-mid 2023 but since, it's just been nonstop drama. in the past five months they've beefed w/ their own fans over promo, been reduced to a punchline bc of a beef with a much more normie-friendly underground rapper (even if they seem to be winning the beef), played a "sold out" show at webster hall to abt 20 people (and became a twitter meme bc of it), couldn't sell out a $1 show in NYC, nextel had some weird ass allegations that i dont even remember, alienating their best internal producer (eliproper), there's prob other things i'm forgetting.
a lot of ppl are celebrating tek leaving bc they were fans of tek but, for moral/political rzns, refused to listen to him after he joined shed. i cant imagine thinking like that, but so many potential fans do. how many members actually need to be weighed down by the sam hyde thing at this point? it will always follow joeyy & facy (& probably laker) but marlon/woody/tek have so much potential to prosper if they weren't extremely unbookable/uncoverable due to the association. i saw on here that woody said he has never even met sam hyde. but it doesn't matter. if you've ever seen them at a festival/opening for another artist, you know how strange the vibe gets when they come on stage, how tense the crowd becomes. i hate to say this, but sometimes it's minstrel vibes. at the tek show in march, once shed showed up (including dugan wearing a durag) ppl started dipping. the music is so good but, let's be real, the vibes r treacherous. it is so hard to put ppl on for that rzn.
i was watching facy's live one day and he was saying how he never has gotten booked for a show. he makes no money off this shit. he has 8k monthly listeners. he sells features for like $50. i have been obsessively following music for 15 years and I am telling you it is so rare to stumble upon someone as talented as him, let alone someone with such a small following. i have never seen someone so committed to their craft churn out extremely catchy and consistent albums and see less success than your friend attempting to kickstart his local indie rock band. how can a group have at least five generational talents in it (marlon/joeyy/facy/woody/tek), hundreds of incredible songs, and be so washed? you go to their shows and see facy play like three songs, woody play three songs, marlon play four songs, and then have henry mosto grabbing the mic out of everyone's hands like he's doing karaoke at his birthday for the whole set. imagine a full woody set. imagine if facy toured night school, which is legitimately one of the most potent albums i have ever heard. it will never happen. there r too many members to keep happy. the budget is spread way too thin.
obviously nextel is a big part of the problem. if they fired him that would be great. but is it that simple? after all that's gone down, how has he not been fired yet? what is he doing for shed that they couldn't do for themselves? booking tours? lyrical lemonade connection? phreshboyswag collabs? i dont think they need nextel for that. it's more likely that nextel is savvy enough to figure out how to sink his teeth in and has made it impossible to get rid of him. yeat had to pay him 100 bands to dip. where the fuck are shed gonna get 100 bands from? i know they have trust funds but like...if i was their dad i would not throw down for that. plus, yeat had other places to go. no way zack bia signs shed (thank god)
i'm starting to think they should blow it all up. they should keep collaborating but each of them should focus on building something fresh. they shouldn't feel obligated to play shows where everyone cedes the floor to the less talented members. they shouldn't be relegated to joeyy's shadow or tied to nextel's antics. that way ppl will appreciate their golden era for what it is, they will build an unimpeachable legacy once new generations figure out how forward-thinking their music is bc, in like ten years, the political landscape in which they existed will be irrelevant, and that is the main thing bringing them down. otherwise it will just get more embarrassing, their legacy will get more tainted, the vibes will get more sour, and it will get harder to be a fan.
maybe i'm tripping idk. tek shit make me sad.

Hi, I know some of you have been interested in Joost’s written stuff, so this is one of them. It’s a short story that Joost wrote for Boekenweek voor Jongeren (Book Week for Young People) in 2019. There’s more info about it here (in Dutch) https://www.vice.com/nl/article/qvgzpv/joost-klein-schreef-een-kort-verhaal-over-een-wilde-nacht-in-berlijn and there was also this promo video for it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wx7wxnpxps0. It's been translated from Dutch - maybe not the most perfect translation but it's readable. Original in Dutch here. Enjoy

"How come he suddenly has cash?" I looked at Gurb, but he avoided my gaze. Louis never had money and yet he was buying another round. Meanwhile, a Moby song was playing and nothing made sense. "If he has money for drinks, he can surely pay me back, right?"
Just a few hours ago, I was alone in Berlin. Now, ten hours later, I'm standing in some obscure techno club with my best friends. Loud rock music with drunken shouting. "Hey, Miss Murder, can I make beauty stay if I take my life?" I woke up that day with a mild hangover from the lonely yet people-filled night before. Perfect conditions for a 20-year-old dropout.
The Hard Rock Café was the most beautifully ugly place in Berlin. Gurb had driven for seven hours straight in his mother's car, but we didn't notice. An iconic black Mini Cooper. Your body leads your mind, the beat never stops, and you can conquer the world. Louis threw in another crazy dance move. We were happy.
"Do you want another drink, brother?" Gurb asked me, half shouting. An evening filled with rhetorical questions. He saw me dancing and already knew the answer.
Gurb always had money. Louis, on the other hand, never did. Louis was also the youngest of us three. He had just turned 18. I wouldn't call him a cunning fox. More like a jack-of-all-trades. Like the time he made a lot of money on a Wadden Island with a group of boys. They sold large blocks of hash.
"Crazy dude!" I shouted at him. He yelled something back.
"Do you remember back then?" Louis said.
"Back then? Back then? Yeah man, of course!" I had no idea what he meant. "Do you mean the party?"
"Do you mean the party, he says! This guy. When I look at you like this, it makes me happy. The exact same kid is here letting loose just like back in high school!"
We knew each other from secondary school. He joined when I was in the second grade. He was very intelligent. Too young, too much knowledge of the world. His mother is from Brazil. We often went to his mother's place to play on the Playstation Louis and I had bought together.
I lived everywhere at that time. In the crisis shelter where I stayed for a while, for example, I wasn't allowed to have a Playstation. So we set it up in an accessible place, near school. It was always fun with Louis. Going together to the Apple Store. Taking all kinds of photos with all the webcams, posting them on Hyves, and then leaving. Louis always knew how to cheer me up.
"Aaaaaaaaaa!" There was Gurb with five drinks in his hands. Gurb was wearing a blue checkered shirt. Two buttons undone. Hair slicked back. "You look good, brother!"
"You look fresh too! We all look fresh!" Gurb said enthusiastically. Louis was wearing a completely white outfit. We quickly bought this before going out. He also bleached his hair.
"You look like the Brazilian cousin of James Dean in these clothes," I said. Louis laughed. "Let me take a picture."
Suddenly, the DJ switched to some kind of techno. "Ah, here Berlin briefly takes off its mask." I was fine with it all. Louis was talking to a lady.
Voluptuous breasts, I thought to myself. He gave her one of his two drinks.
"He's with a girl and he's thinking with his dick," I said to Gurb. "Let him be, tonight Berlin is ours!"
The bass kept pounding. "I simply don't have the patience for the club," I said to Gurb. He looked surprised. Like a sweet dog, tilting his head. "I'm just waiting for tomorrow. Can't do my thing here. Don't have patience for the already known. I want adventure and I want it now!"
Gurb started laughing. "Patience is a virtue." Yes. Patience is all well and good, but I think it's a waste of my time. Gurb grabbed my shoulder.
"I think it's time for another beer."
Louis and I were walking through Leeuwarden a year ago when suddenly a red Ford Ka stopped in front of us. It was Gurb, casually driving around the city. He invited us into his car. We hopped in. Since that afternoon, the three of us were together. A few months later, Louis got a tattoo on his ribs in honor of our friendship. It was the name of our group chat. Braddar Force Indigo.
There were also days when Gurb would take me for a drive around Friesland. He reminded me how beautiful Friesland is. The world doesn't spin there. The newspapers I threw away in the Stiens forest in 2011 could still be lying in the same spot, so to speak.
Just before midnight, I found myself in line for the restroom. My eyes fell on a pair of striking shoes. Cigarette smoke invaded my nose for the fourth time. "Müssen Sie eine Zigarette haben?" a female voice spoke to me. I felt like Tom Hanks in the final scene of Angels & Demons, where the new pope first steps onto the balcony. The curtains opened. There I was, witnessing an important moment in history. I was just told how I was sent by God, but my ears didn't want to hear any of it. At least that's how I felt. My mouth was empty. I had no words left. That's when I knew for sure. Berlin might really be as crazy as literally everyone says.
Dark blond, silky hair. Was this real beauty then? She wouldn't look 40, but I think she was. A true woman. Beautiful in all her elegance. I always joked about being interested in older women, but tonight one stood in front of me. "I don't smoke," I said to her.
Someone tapped me. "Please, just go to the toilet!" He was right. I hadn't peed in a while either. My urine was cloudy. "Glomerulonephritis," I said to myself on the toilet. This is an unusual condition. It's an inflammation in the kidneys, I thought I remembered. They should never have given me access to Google.
The evening progressed, and Louis kept buying rounds. "But seriously now. How does Louis suddenly have all that money for drinks?" I asked Gurb. He was outside smoking with a group of Swiss girls. I had strategically positioned myself so that I could always leave the crime scene if necessary.
"You shouldn't ask me," said Gurb. He was laughing with the temporary girlfriend group of Louis. Gurb has a beard. A lot of chicks like that. I get it too.
As much as I enjoyed Louis and Gurb being here for me, something didn't sit right with me. It couldn't just be about the money. "What's up with him?" I heard one of the Swiss girls say to Gurb.
Those kinds of questions really tire me out. "Not much, with you?" I replied.
They all started laughing. "That's not what she meant, brother," said Gurb.
"I couldn't care less whether she meant it or not. Send that brace-face back to Switzerland. Don't drive me crazy, alright!"
Actually, I hadn't drunk that much that evening. "Two vodka Sprites, please!" It's rare for me to get just one drink. "I always get two drinks, then you have to wait shorter for the third one!" Maybe the alcohol was affecting me more than I wanted to admit. Oh well, it was still the three of us against the world.
"Nice shoes, are those Prada?" I asked a random girl at the bar.
"No, these are fake. Why would I buy real ones for 600 dollars if I could just buy these for 20?"
"..."
I'm not very good at that. Talking. To women.
Louis and Gurb were in the smoking area now. It was less blue than the dance floor itself. My clothes already stank, so a visit to the smoking area couldn't hurt. "These people are so underground!" Gurb shouted. Louis was filming him with his phone. "These people..." There was a brief pause. As if Gurb forgot the only line he had. "...so underground!" All three of us burst into laughter. The alcohol flowed through our veins as if it came from the purest mountains. People seemed doubled and the room was full. We had been in the same club in Berlin for several hours.
"Leonardo! What are you hiding from the big boss?" I sometimes called Louis ‘DiCaprio.’ "You a rich guy, now?" I said, with an accent as if I were from the Bronx.
Louis started laughing. "Eh, you know nothing. Bullshit talk."
I had to laugh too. What was I even worried about? Friends are friends, with or without money. That shouldn't matter. Louis probably just worked for that money. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. Maybe he just had enough to buy rounds. But what if my gut feeling was right? That feeling was never wrong. Except for that one time at the Holland Casino in Groningen. Even the best of us have slip-ups. I was just getting worked up again. When it comes down to it, Louis is one of the sweetest guys I know. I had to let it go. After all, it's still Louis.
"I think I'm going to have sex soon, man," Louis said.
"With who?" I asked immediately.
"That one girl."
"Which one?"
"The one with the boobs."
"Oh, her. Just be careful."
"What kind of reaction is that?" Louis asked indignantly.
I'd only had four drinks, but I was acting like a mess. Louis was right. I didn't understand myself. Where was my head at? I'm here in Berlin, supposed to be having the time of my life, but here I am feeling lonely and sad again. Joost once again couldn't control his emotions.
"Sorry," I suddenly said to Louis. "Sorry for my behavior. Been acting dumb towards you all night. It's unnecessary." Sometimes I have that. Mood swings. "Know that crime is never the solution. We've talked about this so many times. Yes, it's tempting and sometimes easy money. I sometimes find it amusing too, but it's always hypothetical. Ask me for help. I can help you, even with illegal things. I'll always have your back." The dancing was kind of over.
The words I had just placed on Louis's plate came from my heart. My Frisian, irregular boys' heart.
Crying in the club. I had never seen myself like that. Crying, yes. In the club, no. I never understood the taboo around crying. Or emotions in general. I saw myself in the mirror. They weren't tears of joy. They weren't tears of sadness either. It was me letting everything go. All the emotions I had ever felt. The emotions I felt between my brother and sister and myself because they wanted to take on a parental role over me, but I was in puberty, so I pushed them away. The emotions I felt when my old neighbors were supposed to take care of my dog, but didn't tell me that he was bitten by one of their dogs. They didn't have money for the surgery, they later told me. They were ashamed of their lack of money. My dog died from this injury. Even the emotions that were all jumping at once during the retake for my swimming diploma A, I let go of.
No emotions. Just for a moment, not feeling anything. Is that too much to ask for?
"You still don’t smoke?"
It had to be the voice of the woman with the cigarettes. I looked over my shoulder through the mirror. It was her. The one with dark blond, silky hair.
"Not to be rude, but this is the men’s room," I said. She took a step closer and kissed me on my lips. It tasted like more. We started kissing. It had been a while since I had had female contact at this level. It probably didn't look good and it didn't feel good either. She started kissing my neck. Slowly, I noticed the pressure in the erectile tissues of my penis starting to increase. "I really don't have time for this!" I thought to myself. The woman with the cigarettes started to slowly sink down until she was on her knees. I didn't want this. Not now, not like this. She unraveled my penis from my Polo Ralph Lauren underwear. Her tongue was blue. It was probably from cheap shots of alcohol.
Was this real beauty then? Was this the beginning or the end of her story? And had I become the boy my parents hoped I would be? I thought about the fact that this was once someone's little daughter. Somewhere in the world, an old man might be wondering what his daughter is doing. Am I really putting pleasure above my own morals and values?
With my semi-erect circumcised penis still exposed, I lifted her up. After giving her a kiss on her forehead, I pulled up my pants and left the toilets.
It was the usual last hour in any club ever. I met Louis and Gurb at the bar. "Should we have another drink?" I asked Gurb. "I feel like having a cocktail. Something sweet. Lots of sugar. What about you?"
Gurb looked at the menu. "A cognac would go down well right now."
"A cognac? You're only nineteen!" Gurb and Louis laughed. "Two Tequila Sunrises please!" I called to the bartender. "Also, two beers! Thanks!" I also got a beer for Louis. At first, I didn't want to, but I didn't want to spoil the mood either. Besides, I didn't want to show too much that it bothered me so much.
We danced away the last minutes. The club closed, and we decided to walk with the group of Swiss girls. Apparently, they were staying nearby.
As I lagged behind the group, one of them tried to start a conversation with me. "Are you okay?" she asked kindly.
"I'm fine. Just had too much beer. Makes me sleepy." Not true at all, but I've heard people say that.
"You’re tired? The fun has only just began!" And as she said this, she pulled something out of her inner pocket. Her clenched fist, shielded by a half jacket. Who is this girl, anyway? I thought to myself. She opened her hand flat, and right in the center of her palm lay two small pills with a smiley face on them. At least, they looked like it.
"Oh, I don’t do drugs. Sorry."
"Me neither!" And she swallowed a pill. "Now it’s your turn... Or are you scared?"
Scared? Who did this crazy Swiss witch (with really beautiful eyes) think she was. With her "are you scared". I'll show her who's scared.
"Scared? I’m not scared." I picked up the remaining pill and swallowed it.
Everything went in slow motion. Was this who I had become? Was this the same boy from high school? And just before I could swallow, I spat out the pill. She was shocked. I picked up the pill again, dried it with my jacket, and put it back in her fist. "Maybe later!" I shouted, running back to the group, over my shoulder.
I have nothing to say to 9 out of 10 peers I come across. Of course, I can be social. I can also have fun with random people in random situations, but that night, it just tired me out. I also didn't understand what we were doing there. Those girls found me strange anyway. Suddenly, I was the fifth wheel.
"We know this place where they go until 7 in the morning!" The girl leader of the group spoke. I wanted to go home. "If you guys want, you can go. Don't worry about me," I said to Gurb and Louis. The boys had a brief discussion. We agreed to stay for just a little while longer for some drinks. I consented. I was thirsty. "I'll have a Fanta, Louis."
Gurb had reached the last cigarette in his pack. Louis and a girl from the group were nowhere to be found. It didn't even bother me. This guy just walks around with some cash in his pocket and all hell breaks loose. After a night full of stimuli, I understood Louis. Of course, I understood Louis. He's a young god. Handsome, smart guy. But that didn't make me any less angry. It was purely about trust for me. Something inside me said I should stop subconsciously expecting things from people too. It prevents disappointment.
"Hotel please!" I jokingly suggested to Gurb. "Should you call Louis or should I?" I added. Gurb immediately grabbed his Android smartphone and called Louis. He put the call on speaker.
"Are you ready?" Gurb asked.
"Yeah. Sort of."
"What do you mean?"
"We didn't have sex."
"That's fine, right? Tomorrow's a new day!"
"I think I'm in love, man," Louis said.
"...," Gurb said, chuckling as he let out a sigh.
Once we arrived at the girls' hostel, it was already getting light. Louis was thankfully back. There were stains on his pants, around his knees. My focus was solely on arranging a taxi. Although the boys were still flirting, I was really done now. "How are we going to pay for this taxi?" I said a bit too loudly.
There was a silence. "Don't worry. I still have cash," Gurb said.
"Yeah, I knew you would," I replied.
My words clearly hit Louis. "What do you mean by that?" he said.
It was as if time stood still for a few seconds. "Exactly what I said. Better listen." Louis pulled out a small wad of green bills from his pocket. At least 400 euros. "I don't even want to see that money," I reacted. I walked away.
I'll just order a taxi myself.
"Why are you walking away now?" Gurb said.
"Twelve hours ago, I was alone too, and I had a lot more fun then."
"Do you really want to know how I got this money?" Louis said.
Yes, I did want to know. My whole evening revolved around that damn money.
He took a second of pause before he began speaking. "The answer lies in the Mini."
What on earth could be in Gurb's mother's car? Louis was trying to get into my head. "Taxi!"
Once in the taxi, the division was clear. Gurb was upfront, chatting animatedly with the driver. All adventures ever were recounted. Louis and I in the back. One of my best friends since I was thirteen. Funny how things turn out. It was quiet between us. I was in my head, rehearsing how I would bring up the money again. It didn't add up, and he knew it himself. "I don't care, you know," I said, hoping he'd break.
"What don't you care about?"
"About that money."
"What money? You're really a crazy woozy man." Louis burst out laughing again.
On the other hand, it was silent. Gurb had started talking about the driver's family. The driver didn't appreciate it. Gurb meant well. The driver smelled of alcohol. Or was it me? His nails were polished. Maybe his wife was a specialist. I bite my nails myself. Like now.
"In the Mini, oh yeah."
"Shut up. Illegal man."
"You'll never know."
"Stop playing. Just say it!"
Louis grabbed my head, pulled himself towards me, and brought his mouth to my right ear. "Why so serious?" he whispered. He didn't want to tell me.
"But always with this damn money, huh?" I almost shouted at Louis. I broke every silence within a radius of 10 kilometers.
"I'm trying my best, bro. It is what it is. I can't make it any different," he replied. It was clearly bothering him deeply. He ran his hands through his hair. "Sometimes people have to do things. And you know that better than anyone. Sometimes they have to do things they don't really want to or aren't supposed to do."
I knew this spiel all too well. Through all the drunken haziness, I suddenly saw a small glimmer of light. A tiny spark of sincerity. Louis was serious this time.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to involve you in this. I'm sorry," sweat dripped from his forehead.
"You're serious, huh? Damn, man. What mess have you gotten yourself into now? Worse than Terschelling?" Worse than Terschelling would mean stolen goods. Maybe even violence.
"It's not what you think."
"The Adlon Hotel, right?" the driver chimed in. Always saved by the bell, that Louis.
Suddenly I hit my head against the seat in front of me. Of course, I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. The last thing I saw was Gurb waking up in panic from his drunken stupor. One by one, I started losing my senses. It started with the feeling in my fingers. For a brief moment, everything wasn't quite black, and I could only see a vague pattern of colors repeating inside my eyelids. You could compare it to the brief moment after the commercial break before the movie starts in the cinema. The movie was about to begin.
I knew I wasn't dying. At least not yet. Not like this. Not after an overall mediocre night out in Berlin. I found comfort in the image I forced myself to see. It was all in my head. There I was, unconscious.
I saw myself in a third-person point of view. It wasn't like I was actually leaving my body. More like there was a webcam hanging in one of the upper corners of the taxi.
As a child, I used to dream a lot about death. Nights spent awake.
At some point, I developed a kind of compulsive behavior. I kept swaying my torso from left to right with my hands under my head. It became almost like a workout before bedtime. Every night.
I called it dream shuffling. Just like I had learned to shuffle puzzle pieces or playing cards. Making things a little exciting for yourself. But what I almost never told anyone was that I was scared. I was afraid of burglars, who were very agile and muscular.
Especially afraid that they would murder me. I really wanted to know what death was like. It scared me.
These fear visions originated during an all-inclusive vacation in Turkey. I was 6 years old and already in bed. There was a big old TV in our hotel room, so I could secretly watch TV from bed. Every evening, my parents sat on the balcony. Here they discussed their day while enjoying a glass of alcohol. There was a Japanese animated series on TV. In the few seconds that I watched, I saw a scary creature climbing a sort of apartment complex via the balconies. The creature had hundreds of teeth and blond hair. It quickly entered to decapitate the people, then drained them and, as a final insult, robbed them. Dozens of carcasses of dead people were scattered around the apartment complex. The complex on TV resembled the resort where we were in reality, and the TV world merged with my surroundings. I became part of it. I saw people watching. No matter how loudly I screamed for help, they didn't react. The sun became very bright, and the people turned into nothing more than shadows. As the intensity of the sun increased, something became clear to me. These were not people. They had a sort of orange skin. Where I had previously thought it was their nose and mouth, it turned out that these shadowy figures did not have such physical features. They simply had three holes in their heads. The police tried to do something, but in vain. Since then, we always kept the light on in the hallway outside my bedroom. By rocking back and forth, from left to right, I could glance fleetingly at the beam of light under the door. That bit of light, escaping from the hallway into my room, gave me an advantage. It allowed me to stay one step ahead of the burglars. Pretty smart, right?
"From Jamaica to the world!
It’s just love. Why must the children play in the street?"
It was Bob Sinclar with "Love Generation" speaking to us through the taxi's speakers. We were stationary. I was conscious again, but I didn't feel alive at all. "How long was I out?" I asked Louis.
I could tell by his expression that he was relieved. Relieved that I was back. "One minute," he almost apologized. Louis gave me a pat on the shoulder. Gurb, on the other hand, was sleeping. He slept like a baby cub.
I put my right index finger on my forehead. It felt wet, but it wasn't blood. Blood feels different. Meanwhile, I kept hearing whistling.
"Be the love generation! Oh yeah!" It was still that same song by Bob Sinclar.
The earlier scent of alcohol had now been replaced by the smell of incense. It smelled like the same incense I had in my room. Sold to me as Tibetan 39 incense. I had bought it at a coffee shop in Rotterdam. I pulled up my notes on my phone. "Who lights incense in a CAR????" I let Louis read from my screen. He took the phone from my hands and started typing as well.
"Look at Gurb >>>" Gurb was so deeply asleep that his head drooped. His seatbelt held his torso in place, but his head ended up on the driver's shoulder. The man didn't mind. He didn't move. I made eye contact with the driver through the rearview mirror, and soon I found him. He winked at me.
We arrived at the hotel. Gurb awakened from his alcoholic hibernation. "Who's going to pay for the taxi?" I asked. Clearly rhetorical. I already knew I would take this one for the team, as usual. I refused to use Louis's money. It was uncomfortably quiet. "By card please," I said.
"I'll always protect you, Louis. You really need to know that. I care about you like my own little brother. I'll always try to help you. But you have to be honest with me. Can you do that?" Louis didn't hesitate.
"Yes. Yes, I can. I'll show you. It's really in the Mini." Meanwhile, the taxi driver's card machine indicated that I had insufficient funds. That couldn't be right. Maybe I had withdrawn too much that evening.
"I have cash in the hotel room," Gurb said to me. Gurb informed the driver in broken English that he would go get his cash. The driver agreed. Money is money, whether it comes now or later. As long as it feels good in your hands.
Louis and I got out of the taxi. "You're not going to light a cigarette now, are you?" Louis wanted to smoke. "Especially for stress. That's really for people who can't handle pain. You need to feel pain. Pain needs to brand you for the rest of your life so you finally learn not to do such stupid things." It fell silent again. My blood boiled. All pots were on the stove. I felt like Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen. "Show me then. Do it."
Louis remained silent and walked around the corner of the hotel. Towards the parking lot. I followed him. "You're not going to find much," said Louis.
"Why not? Are you a magician?"
"No. Just. Not much."
"So there's suddenly magically nothing in Gurb's car?"
"Stop. Get out. Get out of my head!" Louis shouted. Louis had had enough. He was done with the parade. Normally we dealt with hypothetical stories. Only this time it wasn't a joke. I was sure now. Louis had dropped his mask. The revolution had begun. The government had fallen and the dikes had broken. The people were in charge. "You shouldn't freak out like this. Always wanting more. Sweet boy, think about yourself."
After Gurb gave the money to the driver, he came to us. He had a smile on his face, lit a cigarette, and exclaimed, "Brothers!" Once with us, he hugged me. He started laughing. "Maybe I haven't been entirely honest either." Sometimes Gurb seemed like a 38-year-old man. In a positive way. He exuded confidence in a way I didn't often see. Affectionate, with a hint of authority.
We stood in the middle of a large parking lot. "Look. We've reached a point where I might not even care anymore. You guys are teasing me." It did matter to me. Maybe more than ever. I was supposed to be two steps ahead of them, but I couldn't figure it out. "I give up."
The delightful silence returned. Louis and Gurb looked at each other. "You guys win. Apparently, I'm not to be trusted as a friend."
From Louis's expression, I could tell he disagreed with this. "Not true. Come to the car."
We arrived at the car. Louis unlocked it and searched for the trunk button. Gurb had started his third cigarette. "It's a corpse, isn't it? Say it now. I can still help you. I can still help us. I can book a ticket for you. We can get you out of here," I said to Louis.
"Just wait. Nutcase."
"Why won't you accept my help?"
Louis started laughing nervously. Or at least it seemed that way. Perhaps a sly laugh too. Had Louis killed someone? "It's not a corpse. That can't be. You wouldn't be stupid enough to use their ID. You're smarter than that. So it must be something stolen. Haven't you found that button yet?"
Suddenly, we heard a click. Louis had found the button. Somewhere, I didn't want to know. Shouldn't I just trust Louis? Wasn't that the whole point of friendship?
Finally, the moment had arrived. I placed my right hand in the slot of the rear hatch. Something in me doubted. Still. I still doubted. Louis looked dead serious. "You wanted to know, didn't you? Then you also have to be man enough to accept it." Louis was clearly not joking. Or was he acting again? "Pussy," Louis said. I looked away. "You're afraid of what's inside, huh? You're afraid of the real Louis." He began to laugh manically. "Open that thing, man. Nutcase!"
I started laughing too. Why did I make such a big deal out of it? Sweat broke out from every pore in my body. It was even a bit damp in the no man's land between my scrotum and my anus. A tropical climate. It had been quite an adventure the whole evening. I took my hand off the rear hatch and first gave Louis a hug. Not some half-hearted birthday wish. No, a real hug.
"It's okay, buddy," Louis said to me. I had no idea what he meant by that. It fit the moment though.
It was really time now. I opened the rear hatch.
"Where is it?"
"In front of you," said Louis.
"In some secret compartment?"
There was nothing in the trunk. Absolutely nothing. An empty trunk. For an empty evening, in an empty Berlin, with an empty group of guys. I didn't get it.
"You won, man," I whispered. "You finally fucking done did it."
I couldn't believe my eyes. Empty? There was still nothing in the car. Louis just stood there. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I had felt every emotion this evening. Seen every color and smelled every scent. I was done. My body was ready. No longer needed. My mission was complete.
"But why did you do this?" I asked Louis, laughing.
He scratched his chin. It felt like the end of a bad movie.
"I sold our Playstation. Wanted to tell you only after I had sorted everything out again. I terminated my lease. Had some debts, and I also wanted to have some money for once. Once not empty-handed in the club. Once not dependent on my best friends. This is not who I am... I know how much that Playstation meant to you. It was ours together. I should have just told you."
"… and how does Gurb actually make his money?"