WRITER CHAOS: BY JAYLEN WHITE
Naruto busted into the room, excited about today’s adventure. Meanwhile, Your Mom is sleeping on a large bed, because a regular bed can’t fit her large size. “I’M GONNA BE HO-HO-HOKAGE!” Naruto shouts. Then, Micheal Jackson slowly moonwalks to the nearest Glock 18 “ABOUT TO SHHOT YA’S BEFORE YA BECOME WHATEVER YOU JUST SAID!” Micheal Jackson says. “Proceed to shoot me now! Nothing will stop me from becoming big leader man!” Naruto exclaims. Soon, Your Mom gets up, with each step causing the ground to rumble, and then proceeds to groan softly. “Man, that nap was amazing! Got anymore ice cream?” Naruto and Micheal Jackson scream in terror as they see the large abomination, confused on how somehow like Your Mom could be so big.
Meanwhile, Mr Beast is hosting yet another challenge…
“HEY, FIRST PERSON TO DIE GETS 100 MILLION DOLLARS!” Mr Beast quickly says. Soon, the people attending quickly try to commit suicide, but Mr Beast gets hit by a nuclear missile before that can even happen. Mr Beast smiles, as half of his body is literary torn apart, “Man, well the challenge still continues!”
Your Mom is walking towards the duo, preparing to chunk them out of existence. “I don’t like heavy stares…” Your Mom deeply says. Naruto and Micheal Jackson look at each other in shock, before proceeding to run away from the big fat momma. Your Mom is too heavy to run, so she must slowly walk towards the group.
The people attending Mr Beast’s challenge have all died! Leaving good ol Jimmy Donaldson. “Oi gee walikers! I sure had fun killing and forcing these people to die!” A dying body groans in the distance, wondering why he hasn’t received money… “H-H-Hey… I died first… WHY!?!” The person screams, as he slowly bleeds out to the beating he received earlier, from the other attendants. Mr Beast stand up, and somehow, his torn-up body is healed instantly. He then checks his watch, and looks up at the sky…
“Looks like they finally arrived.” Jimmy says, before teleporting to another location.
Soon, Your Mom finally arrived to where Naruto and Micheal Jackson hid. “What are you doing kid?” Batman abruptly says, before firing at Your Mom with a minigun. Your Mom, however, is unfazed. “I don’t like people who shoot me with large weapons.” Your Mom slowly walks towards Batman, and Batman screams in terror, and doesn’t even try to run...

Batman is slowly killed by Your Mom’s large strength.
Naruto peaks from the hiding spot, very frightened by the creature. Suddenly, Naruto feels a surge of energy run through him, he feels like he could take on Your Mom…
Naruto’s eyes turn a lil bit frog-like, like, those, fox eyes? Yeah those. He then launches Your Mom all the way through the ground, causing a bit of blood to appear on her tough exterior.
Your Mom responds by slowly walking towards Naruto, but Naruto swiftly breaks her arm before she can continue moving. “AHHHHH.” Your Mom’s arm starts spurting blood, before she slowly falls to the ground, and dies slowly…
Naruto relieves his form, before twerking on Your Mom to literal insanity. Micheal Jackson pulls out his Glock, before shooting Naruto straight in the head, killing him. “Finally got rid of that Nuisance.”
Chapter 2: Mr Beast vs Micheal Jackson.
After the quick death of Naruto, Mr Beast teleports in front of Micheal Jackson. “Hey bro,” Mr Beast looks at the dead body, “You sure were busy…” Micheal Jackson looks at Mr Beast in confusion, and shoots Mr Beast, with no retaliation. The bullet bounces off Mr Beast, and lands directly inside Micheal Jackson’s heart.
A bystander walks by, and slowly turns his pupils at the dead body, and the injured Micheal Jackson. “DON’T KILL ME! PLEASE?” Mr Beast walks towards the bystander, and Micheal Jackson slowly raises his gum at Mr Beast’s head. “W-WATCH OUT!” The Bystander screamed. It was too late, and Mr Beast was shot, and the bullet bounced off again! Micheal Jackson was killed almost instantly.

2 days later…
“Hrm… This substitute is quite fine… Il sees what I can do.” MS slowly says, as he injects Micheal Jackson’s dead body with strength serum. Soon, Micheal Jackson breathes again, and his wounds heal almost instantly, and his muscles bulge like John Cena’s. “I WILL KILL HIM!” Micheal Jackson says as he wakes up from his almost-eternal slumber.

Mini Story: Big Chungus and Rival Nomento
Big Chungus was casually binging on human meat, when his rival, Big Bunny Nomento eats a large amount, much more than him.
“Hey! I bet you stole that food, dummy!” Chungus says. Nomento looks at the bunny with anger, before launching him across the stratosphere. Big Chungus responds by diving straight into Nomento, but he luckily blocks before Chungus can kill him. “I’M ABOUT TO TURN YOU INTO A FOSSILIZED CREATURE!” Chungus says, before preparing for battle.
Micheal Jackson arrives at the place where Mr Beast was, where he was now editing his latest video. “Oh, you came back?” Mr Beast says in confusion, before Micheal Jackson brutally smashes him on the wall, where Mr Beast bounces off it like butter. “You can’t kill me, so stop trying!” Mr Beast says. Micheal Jackson roars in anger, before kicking Mr Beast into outer space, where he casually sips a smoothie.
Mr Beast falls back onto earth, where his body catches fire due to the high speeds. Where he destroys the entire area where Micheal Jackson was, but he too in unscathed.
Mr Beast sighs, refusing to attack Micheal Jackson. “HEY, IL KILL YOU!!!” Micheal Jackson says, before smashing Mr Beast repeatedly, trying to kill him. “Why won’t you just die…” Micheal Jackson says, with tears in his eyes.
Mr Beast finally proceeds to inflict damage on Micheal Jackson, by using his singular finger, to send Micheal Jackson flying into the halls, causing his bones to break, and his body to bleed.
“I’m sorry, but you can’t seem to stop, so I had to kill you. Goodbye friend.” Micheal Jackson looks at Mr Beast with anger, before slowly dying in his grasp.
MS appears at the scene, clapping with joy. “You killed my genetically enhanced being. Impressive.” He pulls a case of syringes, before finally selecting one. “Micheal Jackson will be back…”
Chapter 3: Too much sugar?
Naruto’s dead body lingered in the room, but that same menacing energy filled the area.
“LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Naruto awakens, preparing his next strike!
“W-What? Why am I here?” Naruto looks around, before walking out of the area he was in. Before landing on Micheal Jackson’s dead body.
Meanwhile, MS is preparing to make a clone of Naruto, who he still believes is dead, as he finishes, he gets a response. “Will kill target. Will get big leader man cape.” Evil Naruto has entered the scene!
Naruto screams, thinking that Micheal Jackson was brutally murdered. “WHY, WHO? HOW!” He looks at Micheal Jackson’s big muscles, and realizes that he doesn’t look like he’s decomposing, at all. He sees a fluid leaking out of him, and he proceeds to drink it. His body instantly changes, and he feels like he could destroy anything. He’d gained the powers that Micheal Jackson once had. Suddenly, Naruto hears a rumbling sound in a pile of metal, and C-12 appears, a large robot that attacks anything it sees. C-12 proceeds to launch Missiles at Naruto, which he somehow easily destroys with his bare hands, before proceeding to rip C-12 limb from limb, only leaving the head. He then swiftly runs away, and leaps onto the nearest building with surprising ease. “Man. That was quick. Didn’t know I could do that!”
Evil Naruto is sent out to retrieve Micheal Jackson’s body, and on the way, he notices Regular Naruto, looking very similar to him. “YOU THERE, STATE YOR INTENTIONS” E Naruto says. R Naruto looks at E Naruto with surprise, thinking that is it another robot. He then proceeds to rush towards E Naruto, who easily dodges all the attacks.
E Naruto swiftly back chops Naruto in the neck, before bagging him up, and heading back to MS. He walks past the area, destroying every building in sight, and every human in sight as well. He then arrives at the base, where MS works on creating a serum for Micheal Jackson.
“MS… That boy didn’t die, I found him.” He opens the bag, revealing an unconscious R Naruto, in which he slowly slumps on the floor, before waking up In shock. “AWAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY AM I HERE, WHO’S THAT KID WHO BEAT ME UP?!” R Naruto exclaims, while making rapid movements due to surprise.
MS slowly walks towards R Naruto, before chaining him up swiftly, and grabbing a white syringe. And Injecting Naruto with it. R Naruto began to twitch and flicker, before closing his eyes, once a nice blue shine, now turned into evil red eyes. Evil Naruto looks around, looking at the chained up Regular Naruto, now infected.
Mini Story: Big Chungus and Rival Nomento P2.
Nomento releases a flurry of strikes against Big Chungus, ferociously beating him up, but Big Chungus responds by absorbing the attacks, and launching himself directly at Noemnto, crushing him, and allowing Big Chungus to bleed out.
He was now victorious.

Chapter 4: Infected VS Defected
Infected Naruto went back to the location he was beaten, and then searched for Micheal Jackson. When he finally arrived, he didn’t see Micheal Jackson, but instead a note, saying “I LIKE MEN.” Soon after he read the note, he was knocked unconscious.
“Hey, what should we do?” DanTDM said. Micheal swiftly chained up Infected Naruto, and signaled Dan to hand him a syringe. “I bet MS did this…” Micheal said. Dan handed Micheal a syringe, and Micheal Slowly tried to take out what Naruto was infected with, but before he could finish, the entire area was destroyed! “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, YOU TRIED LMAO.” Evil Naruto said, before swiftly stabbing DanTDM, and bagging them up. “I can kill you easily!” Micheal Jackson exclaimed, before charging at Evil Naruto.
Evil Naruto easily grabbed Micheal’s leg and threw him across the room. “How!” Micheal said. “Well, I’m just better than you.” Evil Naruto said. Infected Naruto soon woke up, looking at the aftermath, yet he does not speak, and swiftly slashes the chains with his bare hands.
“Great job my little Naruto!” Evil Naruto said, before leaving the area, along with Infected Naruto.
“Huff, Puff…” Micheal Jackson said, before moving away the rubble, and swiftly looking at the syringe. It had parts of the serum, so, if he injected himself with it, he would be stronger.
Meanwhile, Mr Beast is finished editing his video. Before he can click on export, his entire room is destroyed! By… C-12? That same robot killed by Naruto! C-12 swiftly tries to kill Mr Beast, but he easily breaks apart one of his repaired arms, causing C-12 to retreat, but we now know he’s still alive…
Mr Beast is annoyed that his house was destroyed, and he decided to go outside instead.
Meanwhile, Infected Naruto is demolishing cities, while polka dancing rapidly. Evil Naruto is watching by the sidelines, looking for any of Micheal’s friends.
Micheal Jackson injected himself with the syringe and is now rushing towards Evil Naruto “YOU DIE NOW!” As soon as he gets there, Micheal Jackson punches Evil Naruto in the face, launching him across the destroyed buildings. Evil Naruto begins to bleed out, huffing and puffing like Bill Mercury.
Infected Naruto is still destroying the buildings, and he has not noticed the assault. Micheal Jackson continues by destroying and battering Evil Naruto’s face, who is now fully dead. Mr Beast walks by the assault and looks at Micheal Jackson with surprise. “You’re still killing people?” Mr Beast says, while casually walking away.
Micheal Jackson was now targeting Infected Naruto, but he had left after Evil Naruto was brutally killed. So, he decided to head back to MS, where he was originally given the power to stand up to Mr Beast.
MS soon found the news, from the brain chip imbedded in Evil Naruto. MS, angered, decided to inject himself with the GOD Syringe, one that would make him extremely powerful… Enough power to destroy the universe, and to destroy those who oppose him.

MS’s muscles bulge, and he turns into a cosmic being, well, looks like one, and he is now ready to strike. Divine MS has entered the scene!

Chapter 5: Micheal Jackson, and Big Chungus
Days after the events of chapter 4 happened, Micheal Jackson decided to go to the hospital, to support the people that were injured due to Evil Naruto’s antics. While walking towards the white walls, he notices a extremely large rabbit., who is eating several chicken tenders.
“Hello? Are you seriously eating while injured?” Micheal said. The large rabbit looked at Micheal, before introducing himself. “I’m Big Chungus. I’m fine, so don’t worry about me. These dumb humans think I’m hurt!” Big Chungus rolls over, revealing a hole in his chest, that was caused due to the battle he had with Nomento.
“You have a hole in your chest, and you’re able to digest food???” Micheal said in confusion. “Yeah, it’s just how bunnies work.” Chungus said, before standing up and walking out of the room.
Micheal Jackson ignored the encounter, and prepared to leave the hospital as well…
Micheal Jackson saw Big Chungus, ripping apart a human, and eating it. Micheal Jackson immediately prepared to fight Chungus, but it was a totally different bunny. “Hey, I’m Nomento,” Nomento easily went behind Micheal, as if moving at the speed of light. “Die” Suddenly, Nomento easily knocked Micheal across the room, but it didn’t faze Micheal. “Hey, that hurt! Come on, fight like a… What are you exactly?”
Micheal Jackson rushed towards Nomento, before smashing his face into the ground, and throwing him across the city. Micheal Jackson leaped towards Nomento, and side chopped him straight into the ground. But Nomento was unfazed.
“You are weak. I will kill you.” Nomento walked towards Micheal, who was in shock. Nomento clutched Micheal’s neck and began choking him rapidly. Micheal tried to resist, but it was futile.
Suddenly, an even larger bunny arrived, it was Big Chungus! He swiftly impaled Nomento with his bare hands, and threw him into the outer space, before leaping all the way up to him, delivering multiple punches to every part of the chest.

Micheal Jackson watched in awe as Big Chungus easily defeated Nomento, the one who beat Micheal up with ease. Micheal Jackson rushed towards the fallen Nomento, before looking at Big Chungus. “How’d you do that?” Micheal said. “I’m just very strong!” Chungus responded.
Meanwhile… Infected Naruto was at MS’s laboratory.
“Hm… Good job my little experiment. Time to put you to sleep…” MS said, before walking towards his vat of Naruto clones, preparing to wreak havoc on the cites, and the entire world…
One by one, the Naruto clones went out of their respective vats, before grabbing a bag, and a few weapons, and leaving the lab.
Micheal Jackson was having a nice time, at their nearest McDonalds, with Bog Chungs eating 3 Big Macs, and Micheal Jackson trying to bend a wall with a French fry. “I can’t begin to imagine how you got that strong.” Micheal Jackson said, while accidently breaking the French fry he tried to use.
Big Chungus had a lot of training done to get as strong as he is now…

Chapter 6: THE ONE.
Big Chungus was a normal bunny, who did normal bunny things, like stick carrots up his anus. Big Chungus was just Regular Chungus, and his rival, Nomento, was also a normal bunny, who was just a few ounces bigger than him.
Nometo left the fields that Big Chungus laid, to search for more carrots to stick up Chungs’s anus. Chungus was starving, since there were no more carrots to stick his anus in. So, he resorted to EATING HUMANS. One after another, he ate humans, buckets of them. He got bigger and bigger, and gained the nickname, Big Chungus.
Once Nomento came back with carrots, it was revealed that he was the reason that the fields ran out of carrots, angering Big Chungus, and causing him to destroy half of the Earth… Nomento was surprised, and tried to fight back, but was led to the original Earth of 252, where his counterpart was rivaling Big Chungus, and where the Earth wasn’t cut in half. (This means there are 2 Big Chunguss and 2 Nomentos)
The Nomento of Earth 252 wasn’t that nice, and loved to kill random humans, not for food, but for fun. Big Chungus was the same as Earth 234 (The Earth Big Chungus destroyed half of) Big Chungus just didn’t destroy half the earth this time. That raises the question, which Big Chungus is Micheal Jackson talking to?
Meanwhile…. Someone else is…. Questionably destroying the Sears Tower…
DA HE-SC-SPY GROUP!
The group swiftly polka danced their way to the tower, before bombing it with several grade-3 tanks. “DESTROY DA BUILDING NOW!” Heavy said, before launching several nuclear missiles at the tower, and then proceeding to kill everyone near the tower using his mini gun. Meanwhile, Scout is running up the walls, placing down multiple bombs, shaped like chocolate bunnies. “Time to explode the… Can’t think of a good pun.” Scout said, before releasing the bombs, exploding half of the Sears Tower, and causing the tower to come falling.
Spy is disguising himself as a coworker for the company, swiftly killing every worker internally via his kunai from space.
BOOM! The sound of Divine MS busting into the room frightens everyone… The aura that Divine MS gives off, it’s like a thousand big macs, but scarier and tastier. Divine MS easily picks up the falling tower and launches it into space at the speed of light, leaving Spy to scream in terror as he tries to escape the tower, and he is barely able to jump out safely onto ground.
“I have created a clone of me, to work… WHILE I’M DESTROYING THIS PLANET.” Divine MS says, before swiftly picking up a piece of the ground, and throwing it at Heavy, the big guy of the DHS group. Heavy responds by destroying the rubble with his mini gun, but the rubble is too strong, and Heavy his incapacitated by the rubble, and Scout rushes towards him, trying to free him by using his ultra-fast legs.
Divine MS easily arrives behind Scout, at near light speed, before kicking Scout across the entire Earth, causing him to fall unconscious almost instantly, and leaving Heavy to stare at the chaos that unfolds…
But, Mr Beast slowly arrives, staring at the chaos, unfazed by the events. “So, you’ve created a super powerful version of yourself?” Mr Beast easily side chops Divine MS, before he can even react. Divine MS was knocked out by Mr Beast…. “Such weaklings… Well, cya later humanity!” In the blink of an eye, Mr Beast teleports away, going back to… Who knows where?
Chapter 7: The No AU Group
Micheal Jackson was unaware of the events that happened, so was Big Chungus. Da He-Sc-Spy group was luckily able to live to see another day but decided to take a break for a while. Heavy, the tank man of the group, decided to continue doing missions, as he was the only one who wasn’t knocked out by Divine MS.
“Ok, that’s it!” Scout said to Spy, “He’s left again to do another DANGEROUS mission! I don’t want our human shield to die!” Spy was too battered up to say anything, and just nodded in agreement, while slowly preparing to grab a cup of milk.
Meanwhile… Multiple Naruto’s roamed the streets, and it was unclear who the real Naruto was… All the Naruto’s prepared to destroy every building, and started killing civilians, good, and bad. And Micheal Jackson swiftly left the restaurant to deal with the situation. “I’m not letting Big Chungus take all the fame!” Micheal said, before preparing to destroy the entire batch of Naruto’s.
But…. Half of the infected Naruto’s rushed after Micheal, battering him up and ripping him apart, as he watched the other Naruto’s slowly destroy the city. Out of nowhere, the Naruto’s heads were popped off, by what seems to be Mr Beast… “You again!” Micheal Jackson said.
“I don’t know you… I don’t know anyone from here…” Mr Beast says, unaware of Michal Jackson. “But we fought! You killed me!” Micheal Jackson said, “No, this is my first time on this earth, Who are you?” Mr Beast replied. Micheal Jackson was shocked, how did Mr Beast not know the person he killed just days ago?
“Wait, I don’t have an Earth, nor a universe. I just save planets from power hungry things. I bet you have a ‘Me’ in this dimension, right?” Micheal Jackson swiftly backed away, assuming that Mr Beast was capable of interdimensional travel. “That guy, is a maniac.” Micheal Jackson whispered, before running away from the dead cloned Naruto’s.
“Wait, don’t go! I didn’t mean to scare you!” Mr Beast said, before swiftly chasing after Micheal Jackson. “I have a group of friends, who also don’t have a universe. I call it the No AU group. You should contribute to it.” Mr Beast stated, before swiftly arriving in front of Micheal Jackson out of nowhere.
“No…. You’re an idiot for thinking I’d join a group with similar people like you!” Micheal Jackson replied, and soon after, Micheal Jackson attempted to attack Mr Beast with his massive muscles. “DIE!!!!” Mr Beast was easily able to dodge the attack, and counter with a swift blow to the stomach, causing Micheal Jackson to hold up in agony.
“We used to have universes, but they were destroyed by the hands of another Mr Beast. We call him Evil Mr Beast, cause what he did was, well, evil.” Mr Beast stated, before reaching out to help Micheal Jackson. “Well, I guess every Mr Beast is insanely strong…” Micheal Jackson said quietly.
Suddenly, a group of different Mr Beast’s arrived at the scene and began to look at each other casually. Every Mr Beast began talking, before walking over to the Mr Beast interacting with Micheal Jackson. “This is the No AU group, the one I just told you about. We have to go, but we’ll meet again soon, probably.” Mr Beast walks towards his group, before teleporting off somewhere, just like Mr Beast…
“I wonder if there are groups of me?” Micheal Jackson pondered…
Heavy was on another mission and was swiftly taking care of everything in his sight. No attack affected him, and he was easily able to complete missions even while injured. Seems like a horror movie to me.
Chapter 8: Turn for the… LURK.
The real infected Naruto lie in MS’s lab, who was currently working on a big project, while Infected Naruto was leading the next batch of his clones, not being able to control his body at all. “I wish I could end this…. But I’ve just given up at this point.” Naruto thought, while mindlessly leading the batch of clones.
Heavy was on a mission, to take care of a… Peculiar assignment, which involved killing multiple enemies that looked the same, possibly clones of Naruto. “DON’T DO IT! DON’T GO ON ANOTHER MISSION!” Scout signaled. Heavy still went though, like a giga chad or smth.
The batch of Naruto’s destroyed the city thus more, killing every person in sight, and destroying every building possible. Then… DanTDM arrives at the scene. “You thought I WAS DEAD?” DanTDM said, before revealing his mechanical body. “Sadly, that dumb MS thought I was going to obey him, and he gave me this cool mechanical body too! Now, mate, Il kill all of you, and save this city!”
DanTDM swiftly launched several missiles at the Naruto’s, causing most of them to die. DanTDM then extended his mechanical arms and grabbed up a batch of Naruto’s, before destroying them by sending them flying in the air. This left about 24 Naruto’s left, who quickly fled the scene in fear of being killed. Who knew CLONES were sentient.
Quickly after, Heavy arrived at the scene, surprised to see that the situation was already resolved. “Did you seriously steal my kills?” Heavy said, before frowning sadly. “It’s the city we’re talking about! Why would I hesitate to kill clones?” DanTDM said, before swiftly leaving the area using his mechanical arms to grapple his way out.
Meanwhile, the clones are still running, swiftly hiding in halls, and climbing up buildings, before arriving at the destroyed lab DanTDM was previously. “So, clones, we have to hurry up and increase our usage of tech, so we can kill that dumb British robot guy.” A clone said, before grabbing a chunk of metal and grinding it down using another chunk of metal.
The clones agreed, and prepared to clean up the lab, and use piles of wood they found to rebuild the lab, thus creating the DanTDM lab 2.0. The clones began working and made a set of weapons that can easily cut through DanTDM’s robot material, allowing for a quick and easy kill. “Hey, I found a syringe on the floor!” One of the clones said, before picking up the syringe and throwing it at another clone. “We can use this...”
The clones began to use the metal and wood to create a liquid substance that hardens the skin for a short period of time. “If we produce this in mass, we be hardening the world with this, bruv.” A clone said, before injecting himself with the syringe, causing his skin to feel hard and heavy. One of the clones tried to punch the hardened clone, causing their hands to break. “I guess it works….” The clone said, before rubbing his arm slowly.
Day after day, the Naruto clones made even more inventions, and decided to hide their identity by using human suits and planned on stealing from MS to get even more supplies. “That dumb MS doesn’t even pay us!” A clone said, “Well, we are clones…” Another clone said. “Why is he even called MS? Is that a nickname?” The clones made a plan…
And they were gonna follow it.

Chapter 9: The reality breakers.
Micheal Jackson was in distress, after meeting multiple Mr Beast versions, and now contemplating if they are even from this earth.
“Seems like you’re questioning reality.” A mysterious figure said, slowly walking towards Micheal Jackson. “Trust me, I’ve been through worse, MUCH WORSE.” Micheal Jackson swiftly went into a battle stance, preparing to fight.
“Hey, hey! I’m not dangerous, unlike the various other people you’ve met…” The figure said, before somehow appear in front of Micheal Jackson in what seems like the speed of light. “I’m Deez Nuts. Apart of the reality breakers, don’t know why we’re called that though…. Just call me Din.” Din slowly rubs his back, before placing his hands on Micheal Jacksons shoulder.
“So, first I meet an invincible being, and now I meet you?” Micheal Jackson says in fear, before slowly backing up. “I won’t hurt you bruv, believe me. I know everything, so don’t even try to hide it. I’m powerful than that Mr Beast guy, I don’t even need to teleport, I can just move so fast, that I arrive their instantly.” Din says, before somehow arriving behind Micheal Jackson, FASTER THAN LIGHT?
“When someone questions reality, that’s when we come in. We’re there because you no longer believe we’re NOT there.” Din says. Micheal Jackson looks up, then down, and then back at Din. “I just want to eat a taco man.” Micheal Jackson says. “Ok, I need to give you some info. So, the readers can understand a bit of things.” Din says, “What readers?” Micheal Jackson replies.
“Just listen bruv. Clones of Naruto are planning on killing MS, but they’re gonna get absolutely flawlessed. Not like you need to know *wink*. The leader of the clone group is Naruto Prime, and Infected Naruto is the regular Naruto that you originally wanted to kill. Divine MS would be the original MS, any other MS you see that isn’t strong is just a clone. Just know… Il be here whenever you have questions!”
Micheal Jackson was more confused than an acorn that had been injected with several ounces of cocaine. Due to this, Micheal Jackson fell unconscious, and Din walked away, waving in the distance. (Hey, Din here. This is how il talk to you. The story is all jumbled about, and I’m the only serious character you’ll see for a while! So, when you see parentheses, just know it’s me! I’m here to make sure no one makes assumptions about the story.)
The clones went about, carefully splitting up to gain more intel on humans, and to hopefully kill MS. Naruto Prime, (The leader.), was swiftly able to store most of the hardening serum, and able to give it to most of the other Naruto clones. Naruto Prime oversaw when the serums would be used. “Hey bruv, go ahead and MOVE OUT!” Naruto Prime said to the group with it, and the group complied. The clones went to MS’s lab, which was luckily close by, hidden by a flock of birds, that Naruto Prime took care of with the hardening serum.
The clones dispatched, and went to the clone vat, revealing Infected Naruto, the person in charge of dispatching the clones. “YOU!!!!” Naruto Prime yelped, before swiftly attacking the vats of clones, and ordering the other clones to fight Infected Naruto. “Die.” Infected Naruto said, before easily knocking out half of the clones, leaving only a few left. (The clones aren’t dead.). Naruto Prime was able to run away, and bring the clones with him before Infected Naruto could do anything, but their plan had failed, and they didn’t even reach MS…

Chapter 10: The Finale? (2 pages longer lol)
Everyone conflicts with one another. Micheal Jackson needs to defeat Naruto, the clones of Naruto are fighting against Naruto and MS, and Big Chungus needs to fight Nomento. One question remains, who will win?
“Heh looks like this battered up robot is still here. How about I fix you up.” Micheal Jackson says, picking up C-12’s body, and walking towards the area where he builds stiff. Micheal Jackson adds missile launchers onto C-12, and sharp and heavy armor to keep him defended, he also adds a self-destruction button, so he can have a final comeback.
“I’m gonna kill Naruto, and MS too. Il makes sure it ends with a big explosion that you see on TV.” As the robot wires up, it begins to beep in unheard ways, and Micheal Jackson hears a big BOOM outside the workshop…
“WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS?” Mr Beast yelps, looking at another Mr Breast, who seems to wear a pirate eye patch, along with a black suit, and looks, well, evil. Micheal Jackson goes outside, and sees the Evil Mr Beast, destroying everything with ease, and being able to harm Regular Mr Beast. It seems Evil Mr Beast is something.
Meanwhile, the clones hatch another plan, they were the creators of C-12, and used that robot to originally capture Nartuo. The clones had planned on creating another prototype, C-15. Yep, they tried to do these 2 more times, and had finally created a better robot. It came with the best AI the world could offer too! “Ok, the robot is ready to launch!” A nerdy Naruto said, before typing things on the terminal that controlled the robot.
“Do it, launch the robot!” Naruto Prime said, before swiftly ordering the other clones to guard the robot as it booted up. “C-15 at your service.” The robot said, causing the entire room to be filled with screams of happiness, the robot had finally worked.
Micheal Jackson had no choice but to grab the modified version of C-12, which he nicknamed, Scrapy, mainly because the robot seems to always get destroyed. Micheal Jackson had also improved the AI, so Scrappy should be smarter now, right? Micheal Jackson hears the commotion between Regular Mr Beast and Evil Mr Beast. Based off what he heard from the No AU group, Evil Mr Beast is going to destroy his universe…
The No AU group rushes past Micheal Jackson, with no time to talk, and they proceed to join the fight against Evil Mr Beast, while Micheal Jackson runs away in fear. If Micheal Jackson was able to kill Naruto’s evil counterpart, couldn’t he kill Mr Beasts? No, its too dangerous, Micheal Jackson wouldn’t want to die, after he just made a super powerful robot.
“Hey ol mate, why you running from the danger? I CRAVE DANGER.” Scrappy had woken up, and swiftly used his rocket powered legs to boost up towards the No AU group, forcing Micheal Jackson to run towards Scrappy, since he didn’t want to have his precious baby destroyed lol.
“So, you want to join the war efforts?” Mr Beast said, the one that’s the leader of the NAU group. “Fine, Il do it, just because my dumb robot has a death wish.” Micheal Jackson sighed, before swiftly throwing large chunks of rock at Evil Mr Beast, barely dodging his attacks, and barely able to keep up with his insane speed, that faster than Din (That’s me :D) Evil Mr Beast really is something else, but out of nowhere, Big Chungus arrives at the scene, preparing to launch his large body at Evil Mr Beast.
“Take that ya dumb knock-off!” Big Chungus screams. Despite not making a dent in Evil Mr Beast, he did gain confidence from that quick encounter. “Hey, you’re here too!” Micheal Jackson says, “Yep, I had enough time to check on you, and look what I found….” Big Chungus looks at the No AU group, and the maniac robot trying to fight Evil Mr Beast head on. Big Chungus then looks at Micheal Jackson, his friend, and the one who taught him that eating humans is well, bad.
Infected Naruto walks towards another vat of clones, preparing to strike, but suddenly, he hears a knock on the door. The door BLASTS open, and a large robot, named C-15 arrives, attack Infected Naruto while sustaining little to no damage. Naruto Prime and the other clones watch in the background as Infected Naruto is slowly being defeated.
Infected Naruto is finally killed, or it looks to be that way. The serum that lingered in Infected Naruto was now gone, and he was able to think freely again. “W-What. WAIT, WHY AM I BEING ATTACKED?” Naruto said, before getting into a battle stance. “Wait, you’re telling me you’re not going to attack us?” Naruto Prime said, “WELL YOU ATTACKED ME!” Naruto said, before running away from the robot, and Naruto Prime, and out the lab.
“Phew, got away from those weird people, who look like me for some reason.” Naruto thought, before seeing a very large hole in the ground, caused by Evil Mr Beast. “Nope.” Naruto turns back, and leaves the area, too scared to be killed, and experimented on, for the third time.
Meanwhile, the clones advance to the first floor, where MS lie.
Evil Mr Beast begins to fly up in the air, and make a literal black hole, which absorbs everything around it. “I do not understand. Just give up already!” Evil Mr Beast says, throwing the black hole at Original Mr Beast, killing him almost instantly. It almost kills the leader of the NAU group too. Scrappy is somehow still standing, and still wants to fight Evil Mr beast, despite what happened.
TripTraps Guide to the Multiverse.
I’m TripTrap, certified hunter of the Multiverse, and how about I introduce you to the encounters you just witnessed. You firstly saw a very powerful character, and you saw another powerful character die as well (Why are you here?) Shut u- I mean, of course I must be here, a very important character died! Well, it was more of which the fact that he was alive since chapter 1…. Never mind that, now that Mr Beast has died, I can finally prepare… THE TOKEN OF REVIVAL! That means, if Mr Beast is revived (For whatever reason -_-) Then Il be here to announce when this token was used! TripTrap, the reality breaker of announcement, signing off! (Can we get to the story already?)
Half of the NAU group rush towards Evil Mr Beast, and for all their efforts, a bit of damage was done of Evil Mr Beast, just a little tiny scar on the face, its microscopically big. It’s still damage though! Big Chungus decides to run away, who wants to face a black hole?
The clones head towards MS and use the robot to beat him up with ease, as he’s not in divine form at all. “W-What? How?” MS says in fear, before getting brutally mashed open, mangled, and then thrown out by C-15. “That’s how you kill an evil scientist!” Naruto Prime says, before heading back out the lab, and towards the clones.
“Hey! We did it, I killed MS!” Suddenly, Divine MS appears behind Naruto Prime… “Oh, did you now? Good job for defeating my clone.” Divine MS easily decapitates Naruto Prime with just a flick of the finger, and he menacingly walks towards the clones. (Are you serious? Wait, it seems Naruto Prime wasn’t too important of a character, meh.)
Chapter 11: Chicken Bobby.
The NAU group are still fighting Evil Mr Beast, and Micheal Jackson and Scrappy have already left, due to unknown reasons. The leader of the NAU group, named Mr Beast Prime, orders the other Mr Beast’s to retreat, as Mr Beast Prime will fight off Evil Mr Beast by himself.
“Are you seriously facing me? After I killed the other Mr Beast?” Evil Mr Beast responds, before swiftly punching Mr Beast Prime across the room, “Never Fear, Chicken Bobby is here!” Suddenly, a humanoid chicken punches out Evil Mr Besst, and despite doing no damage, it doesn’t seem like he is doing any damage either.
“A chicken? Seriously?” Evil Mr Beast tries to attack Chicken Bobby, but nothing happens to him, not even a scratch. Mr Beast Prime swiftly grabs Chicken Bobby, and holds him at a, well, “Chicken Shield?”, before swiftly attacking Evil Mr Beast using Chicken Bobby’s very hard skin, or, well, tenderness….
“I don’t mind, use me as a weapon!” Chicken Bobby says, before going into an even harder state, allowing Mr Beast Prime to somewhat damage Evil Mr Beast. “AHHHHH! LEAVE ME ALONE!” Evil Mr Beast flies away, throwing another large black hole, directly at Earth. Chicken Bobby begins to stretch out and widen, turning into a large shield, and blocking the earth from the black hole, somehow surviving it.
Mr Beast Prime is shocked, and runs away, thinking about what that being could possibly be. It may not be able to do that much damage, but it sure is durable! Evil Mr Beast grins, before running off, to who knows where…
Meanwhile, the clones must face Divine MS. “Hey, I don’t want to die!” A clone said, before swiftly running away, but easily being killed by Divine MS, and one by one, the clones are killed…. Expect one clone that is, who managed to hide among the dead body of the clone MS, and is lying there, faking death. (We’ll call him Naruto Prime 2) Divine MS had no comments to make, other than “Weak…”, and Divine MS swiftly went away, jumping at light speeds.
“Oh no you don’t!” Mr Beast Prime says, holding his Chicken Bat (Who is Chicken Bobby) high up in the air. “You dare try to stop me?” Divine MS says. But Mr Beast Prime easily knocks out Divine MS with his Chicken Bat, launching him high up in the air instantly.
Naruto Prime 2 saw this and rushed towards Mr Beast Prime. “Hey, can I come with you?” Naruto Prime 2 says, before swiftly resting inside Mr Beast Prime’s bag, softly sleeping almost instantaneously. Mr Beast Prime had seen weirder, and therefore went along with it, putting his Chicken Bat in his weapon holster, and grabbing Divine MS’s body.
Mr Beast had died, the one who had been prominent for defeating the big and the bad, and now a new Mr Beast enters the scene, Mr Beast Prime, and his fights against Evil Mr Beast. The Arc between Micheal Jackson and Naruto, have officially ended…
Well, time to add some filler!
“So, I’m Chicken Bobby, and I was brought here to make random dialogue to end this chapter quickly, so, Il tell you more about me. I can shapeshift into anything, and I am the hardest object in the multiverse, or so I’m told… I also, well, ok, I can’t think on anything else to say. Ok, let’s end this this chapter NOW!”

I was a “run away” due to an abusive home life and my mother was extremely narcissistic, I was homeless for a while, etc.. Since then, I’ve had an abusive relationship, and the one before that, I was emotionally abusive to my partner. Now I’m in a relationship with someone new after almost 11 years since I ran away and I’m realizing I don’t know how to accept love and I don’t know how to let myself feel loved by another human being.
I am a recluse. I have no real lasting friendships, my “friends” I do kind of have don’t REALLY know me, and I fake that I’m not depressed every day. I have no family except a cousin I text who lives multiple states away. I have crippling panic attacks that feel like I’m going to die, and I have no idea how to be in a relationship of any kind.
Despite all of this, I do like aspects of myself—I just hate that I have no idea how to be loved. It feels like a curse of some kind, yet I know that I am not a victim…I’m a grown adult with some trauma that I can’t get past, no matter how clearly I can actually see it.
I have resorted to Reddit bc I would love a friend of some kind. Just anyone who sees me worthy of some kind of conversation. I spend most of my time alone in fear of fucking up whatever relationship I may start with someone since they all end up falling apart anyways.
I’d just like someone to talk to so I don’t have to talk to myself. Which, yes, I talk to myself out loud because of the lack of human connection.

I’ve been driving for 10 years and got pulled over for the first time ever by a white male cop for going 42 in a 30. I had never been pulled over before so I was hoping that he’d see that I have a clean record and let me off with a warning. But instead I got a $250 citation and have to deal with the stress of getting this ticket off my record so it won’t raise my insurance.
I often come across videos of white social media personalities getting pulled over and they almost always just get a verbal warning. The most recent was a white guy with fake plates, excessively loud engine, illegal tint, and bald tires. But got off with a verbal warning. It makes me wonder how often black people get away with just a warning.

i was looking through my website data randomly after finding out on tiktok you could do that. and some really weird things popped up, a lot of the websites were things i have never visited and looked to be fake and/or like phishing websites, yet i’ve never visited anything sketchy EVER as i am very cautious. why is my website data showing this?
that’s not even the worst part. upon going through it still and looking at all the sketchy websites, i see a website with my FULL name. that i know for a fact i have NEVER visited nor knew existed?? it’s my last name first, then my first name but spelt wrong. but my name is very unique so this is really sketching me out and i’m TERRIFIED.
please please please can someone explain what is going on, why is there a website with my name that i have never been to nor even knew existed, please just say this is another one of those scam websites and im not in danger, i may sound like im over reacting, but if it were you, im sure you’d be scared as well. my boyfriend went on his website data and it was there too yet we have NEVER heard of this website and were both scared. please help someone.

Hello there! Welcome to what is likely going to be a long, rambly post. I'm going to structure this as though I were answering job interview questions, because let's face it, dating is a glorified job interview for a relationship/getting laid.
Oh, and to save some of you the time reading this (though I did spend a while writing it mind you), I'm 5'5, and it's perfectly fine if that doesn't work for you. I have preferences too! Anyway...
Tell me About Yourself.
Ah, this one is a classic to start off with, glad you asked (or told me to elaborate? Same idea)!
First and foremost, I am a nerd. My favorite day of the week is Sunday, because that's when my D&D game happens (It's actually Pathfinder, but I say D&D because most people are not into the hobby), and this account is named after the character I play in that very game! Feel free to ask for more details at the risk of an overly excited explanation. I also play video games, usually single-player CRPGs, but lately I've been playing Hades and I like being on voice call when I do that.
Professionally I'm... still in school. Here's a lengthy, detailed discussion as to why that is: anxiety sucks. Phew, that was so lengthy, glad that's over! Anyway, I'm a nuclear engineering major and plan to graduate in 4 semesters. In all seriousness, I don't mind going over the full story once we're talking.
What are Some of Your Hobbies?
Lists are helpful for this one! So here we go:

• D&D. Yes I mentioned it already, I'm doing it here again because it's so nice I'll mention it twice! Also, I find that lists are more impressive with more bullet points. Longer bullet points too, that makes it look even more impressive.
• Hockey. When I'm not looking for potential mates, I spend my time shitposting on the hockey subreddit. I've been to 3 NHL games so far and plan to go to more!
• Anything related to animals. For reference, some of the channels I watch on YouTube are Snake Discovery, Clint's Reptiles and Girl with the Dogs.
• Tech stuff. Electric cars, phones, gadgets, all of it is at least of some casual interest to me.

What do You Want in a Potential Partner?
Someone who's not an asshole, not a catfish looking to get $100 dollars out of me to fix their fake iPhone (yes, this happened), shares some interests with me, willing to do some basic stuff (sharing a picture, voice calling, video calling eventually) and treats me with respect. Honestly, not a long list. Physically, I would prefer someone who's of a thinner-average body type as that is what I am. I've made exceptions to this before though, so if you feel that I'm irresistible and not entirely obnoxious, feel free to reach out.
What I want the most though? Just intimacy. I think that's what we all want at the end. That is why this post is marked as NSFW because I am definitely not opposed to it going that way, but I also go at the pace of my partner and respect their boundaries.
What do You Look Like?
I'm 5'5 as mentioned before, 125 lbs, white, brown hair, green eyes, and have glasses that might as well be made of aquarium glass. Hopefully that gives you a vivid enough picture for now, but an actual picture is worth 1000 words so once we've exchanged a few messages I can share that.
And that, dear reader, is the end of my hopefully well-formatted and not-at-all-obnoxious wall of text. Hope you enjoyed reading it, and I hope to hear from you! If I don't, have a great whatever time of day it happens to be in your timezone!

I told myself I’d never tell a man I loved him first ever again… but I told you without telling you, didn’t I? I told you… because one way or another, you know…
I’m so sorry I can’t be your friend. You aren’t a friend to me, you’re the only person I can see myself with. If we stay friends I will never move on… and I’ll have to fake a smile while you date and get married and have kids with someone else.
I hope you don’t think I’m heartless for ending our friendship… I’ve worked every single day this week just to avoid going home, because as soon as I get in my car I start thinking about you… and I don’t stop til I go to bed and dream of you. This was the hardest decision to make, but it was the right one for me.
I’m hoping that eventually with time, when you do get married and have kids, my smile for you will be genuine and I can just be happy for you.

The moment a lot of you have been waiting for is here!
A couple of notes before you read (or after because I would just jump into the list right away too)

1. Direct quotes from Ali herself are in italics.
2. I tried my best to keep everything in timeline order. Some people like The Come Back Kid I placed in the order where they reconnected/talked about on the pod. But I did my best to note this.
3. All this information came from the FMH podcast, the Patreon, the original FMH blog, TikTok and other podcast that feature FMH/Ali. I also crossed reference information with this sub. I got most of this done with the help of the Patreon and listening to 1.75x speed but I lost accessed to the Patreon because my subscription ended.
4. I'm open to edits! Things around the matchmaker era confused me and if anything is incorrect or if I'm missing someone, please let me know! I will note where corrections are made.
5. Some people don't have anything simply because only a name was said or I couldn't find any details about the person/date
6. And of course, please be respectful of all the sub rules!

Names on the original FMH blog

• Mr. Adorable aka The Coach
• Trouble
• Waffles
• Future Husband Brian (FHB)
• Cookie
• Peter Pan
• Ambiguous Goodbye Guy
• Bad Bitch Man

AOL chatroom Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok and on the pod once
Myspace Boyfriend
Mentioned on Tiktok
Third Boyfriend
Met on eCrush.com in 2002 and this was mentioned on the Cracked Up podcast, The Dave Glaser Podcast and Tiktok
The Kiwi
Met on a 2 week Model UN type youth trip in high school when Ali was 15, never a boyfriend but she had a huge crush on him, he tried to kiss Ali and she literally ran away, didn’t talk the rest of the trip but exchanged numbers and screen names (Ali’s was FineGal13 or BeachJewel760), she made him a mixtape cd called “Ali’s really cool mix for The Kiwi” but never sent it and she still has it. In 2021, he DM’d her when she posted photos of her and her mom in France and invites her to visit him in London, she says she can’t but says they should catch up if he comes to NYC
Fourth Boyfriend
Met on OkCupid when you had to use it on the computer, this was mentioned on Tiktok
The Homecoming Date or Light Switch
First boyfriend? (she goes back and forth calling him her first bf or a situationship), a family friend, a month younger than Ali, dated in high school but went to different high schools, football player, made him ask her to her Homecoming dance over email (her words), Ali hid in the bathroom the whole Homecoming dance, 3-4 revisits of this situations as adults, saw him on Bumble a few years ago and texted him that he had a typo in his bio, “he very much wanted to be with me” and now he’s married with a kid. His mom is still “obsessed” with Ali and she listens to FMH
Random college guy
Freshman year of college, Ali doesn’t have a nickname for him/doesn’t remember his real name, met this guy through a friend, was texting him to invite him over to hot tub but her phone autocorrected to “how about some hot rubbing tonight?” but Ali didn’t noticed/didn’t correct it and he never replied, Ali had a house party and got really drunk and was all over him, he left the party early, she messaged him on MySpace 3-4 times asking why he left
The Resident
Matched on Match.com, first guy she dated in NYC after college, older than Ali, a doctor, lasted 3 months ”maybe”, he didn’t like Ali’s friends, got a card from him on her birthday and it said “Love, The Resident” and it took Ali back a little, Ali drinks black coffee because of him, he coordinated having her mom visit NYC for her birthday then he broke up with her a week later
The Ghost
Met at a bar when she was 25, turns out they matched on OkCupid and they already had a date scheduled next week, they dated for 6-8 weeks, had sleepovers, “The worst ghosting experience I’ve ever had”, he borrowed The Great Gatsby from Ali’s roommate, planned to make dinner together after a beach trip in August with her friends and never showed up, Ali is blowing up his phone and gets no reply, two weeks later she finally texts “are you alive? check yes or no” and he responds “Yes”, Ali then ask if he could return the book and gets no reply again, 5 months go by and she receives the book in the mail with the note: “Here’s the book back. Sorry. P.S. sorry about last summer. I was in a bad place. You’re a great person and your salmon is amazing”, since then she has ran into him twice on the streets and matched with him on Bumble
The Coach/Mr. Adorable
First serious boyfriend at 26/27 in 2013, matched on Match.com or met through work depending if you’re listening to the pod or reading her OG blog, clean-cut look, played volleyball, Ali invited him to a friend’s birthday party and they made out in the streets at 4am, on their second date he asked Ali if she was seeing any one and when Ali said no he ask her to be his girlfriend 3 days after their first date, dated for almost 1.5 years or almost 2 years depending on if you’re listening to the pod or the Patreon, first time saying “I love you” to a guy, “lovely guy“, never would posted Ali on his instagram until Ali said something, he “lived” with her for two weeks while he was in between apartments, tried blind folding/hair pulling during sex and she didn’t like it, by the end of their relationship Ali didn’t like sex and thought she wasn’t a very sexual person, after they broke up Ali drunk texted him at 2am and he picked her up and she spent the night and she took her things in the morning in a rolly suitcase, from her blog in 2015: “I just want to be careful I don’t end up with another Mr. Adorable situation, where I find myself dating my platonic best friend”, had drinks with him in 2016 from the blog: “Not in a romantic way (at least on my end)”, Ali still talks to him sometimes through casual instagram DMs, he’s currently (as of 2021) dating someone for 4+ years and Ali thinks they’re going to get engaged
Trouble
OG 2015 FMH blog, never mentioned on the pod, “I was immediately enamored with him”, met at a Beer Olympic party but he worked with one of Ali’s best friends (Ali was still dating The Coach at the time), lived in BK, tattoos and stubble, Ali’s best friend said he was a “fuck boy”, “he very much made me see that it was the right thing for me and The Coach to not be together”, from her blog in 2015: “he has this look in his eye like he’s constantly laughing at me – in a super sexy way”, he texted her saying he didn’t see anything romantically with her and she sent a gif of someone shrugging
Personal side note: Ali has mentioned she has cheated on someone but never disclosed who she cheated on or with. I feel like she cheated on Mr.A/The Coach with Trouble because of the timeline. Just a guess.
Waffles
Matched on Bumble, OG 2015 FMH blog, he asked Ali fuck/marry/kill breakfast foods, dated 2 months around summer time, on Fourth of July while watching fireworks he said how they had a great day and Ali replied with something along the lines with “yeah, it would be better if I could call you my boyfriend”, he said he wanted a relationship but just not with Ali and shortly afterwards they stopped seeing each other
The Buffalo
Lived in Buffalo NY, 6’5, Scorpio, met in 2015 at Adults National volleyball (Ali’s team won that year) where he was heckling her while she was playing, asks Ali’s mom for her number and Ali’s mom said “I guess you’re tall enough” and told him to ask her himself, he flew her out and she met his parents, dated over summer, exclusive but never boyfriend/girlfriend (but called him her LD boyfriend on TikTok), texted and talked on the phone a lot, Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “they had really good banter”, in October he invited her to his cousins wedding and she invited him to her friends wedding, after Ali bought her ticket to his cousins wedding (with the promise he would buy her ticket to her friend’s wedding) he ghosted and stonewalled her, she “poured her heart out to him on voicemail” and he never replied, she asked him to pay her back for her ticket and he got mad that she “made this about money”, 2 years later he told Ali that he freaked out because he really liked her and saw a future with her but knew she would never move to Buffalo and it would “never work”, Ali said at the time she would have considered moving for him, Ali used to have him blocked on Facebook and told all her friends not to update her on info about him (unless she asked). He’s now married and goes to Disney with his wife (which Ali kind of scoffs at?), Ali said on TikTok that she dodged a bullet
Baby Bic
Met him at Adults National years ago, had a flirtationship with him in 2016 when he was 19 years old, ran into him at the Adults Nationals 2021, last texts she got from him were about getting his fake ID taken away at the bar and him visiting her in NYC but Ali didn’t want to buy him beer and drink at her apartment
The Chef
Matched on Tinder around 2016, he loved karaoke, “total shit”, asked Ali to be his girlfriend and to meet his mom after a month, off and on dating, broke up the first time because he was talking to his ex, lied and flew to Mexico to see his ex while dating Ali, that ex sent Ali a Snapchat of them in bed together on that Mexico trip, Ali broke up with him via text and called him a shitty boyfriend, he’s the reason Ali deleted her Snapchat because of drunk Snaps he would send post break up, FB messaged Ali 6 years later (while Roark was visiting/staying with Ali) and said sorry for being a shit head. Ali’s best friends hated him
The Dentist
Met on Halloween in the wild, Canadian, dated NYE 2016- May 2017 “nice guy, not my guy”, one of Ali’s best friend’s favorite ex “he adored you, “he was too sweet for me” and “he had no edge to him”, he painted Ali’s cat for her 30th birthday but she was annoyed it was just Rory and not both cats, The Chef texted Ali while on a date/sleeping at his house
ASV - Aspiring Sober Vegan
Met through a friend (her best guy friend’s college roommate) the day before she had to fly out to her dad’s memorial, a doctor, into meditation, remembered him “being cuter” when they went on a first date, felt “the spark”, had “omg this is awesome sex”, Ali described this relationship as a “slow burn” and “the most attracted she ever been to a partner” even thought she didn’t think he was that cute in the beginning, dated 2-3 months before he tried to ghost Ali but they talked and broke up, four months later they start casually dating/FWB because he’s moving but this turns into a ‘middle distance relationship’ and he moves to Philly, had a lot of communication issues but didn't have a lot of fights, wants to live in Ohio and give a % of his income to charity, Ali was close to saying ‘I love you’ but didn’t, he uninvited her to meet his extended family and they got in a fight, broke up with her a couple weeks before their 6 month anniversary at the park while on a picnic and told her that she’s still his favorite person, Ali used to think he was “the one that got away” and would frequently have dreams about him. From what Ali knows, he's sober but not vegan
The Scientist
2017 or 2018ish, from San Diego, went on one date, Ali ended up ghosting him due to the decline in her dad’s health, saw him on Hinge while she was in San Diego for 3 months in 2020, texted him and apologized for ghosting him, ended up going on 2-3 more dates, took a selfie in front of his house and sent it to him but acted like she didn’t know that was his house and made a TikTok about it, things ended up not working but she doesn’t make it clear on who ended it. She can now see she shouldn’t have been going on dates during this time when her dad was sick.
Good on Paper Divorced Dude
Met a couple of years ago (she told this story on TikTok in 2020) on Bumble
The Groomsman
Met at her friend Ashley’s wedding in Chicago Oct 2019, had a “two night stand” with him, texted/talked/FT’d for 3-4 months, divorced, never dated seriously/FWB, saw each other a couple time when he came to NYC, Ali stopped talking with him due to FMH and her trying to find a serious relationship, he starts dating someone, follows FMH on insta, slid into her DM in 2022 and then sent her soup while she was sick, turns out he’s single again, 2 months later Ali is heading to Chicago and texts him “Hello! Reminder that my arrival to your neck of the woods is imminent” and turns out he is now seeing someone and Ali doesn’t see him while in Chicago (at least she doesn’t mention it)
Unnicknamed person
He was her plus one at her best friend from college’s NYE wedding 2019/2020, met and hung out with Ali’s mom, posted photos of them together on her personal Insta story, “fully dating but weren’t official hehe” doesn’t have a nickname/never gave him a nickname? This could be The Latvian/the person she texted her friend in DC about saying “I think I’m on a date with my husband”

Starts FMH on January 2020 on Instagram/TikTok

The Traveler
He was browsing Bumble while Ali was in the bathroom during their first date, he was banned from Bumble and was using his grandma phone number. Ali turned down a second date
The Duke
Early FMH, went for long periods of time in between texts, 7-8 Zoom dates while Ali was in San Diego and he was in NY, Ali said you could see three of his ex’s on his instagram page (without scrolling), they finally went on one date and it was “meh” but they did kiss on their date
The Oyster
Matched on Bumble (he had one photo and no bio) two weeks before Valentines Day, Gemini, a lawyer, part of the 13 First Dates in 30 Days series (he was #13), dated Feb 2020-Aug 2020, love bomber, felt “the spark” and became official after 3 dates, best first date ever??? at the time, said “I love you” to Ali after two weeks, “For most of my relationship with The Oyster, he didn’t live in the city he had moved to Connecticut without telling me”, would fight all the time, opposite political views, Ali felt like a “fucking summer camp director” because she planned all their dates and he would get upset if Ali didn't have a plan, sought out a therapist (Megan) because of her relationship struggles because of him, went to Mass/church, he wanted a traditional marriage/life/wife/kids (at one point had Ali thinking she wanted that), didn’t want to live in NYC, didn’t support BLM, Cindy hated him
The Pilot
Went on 3 dates, texted a lot, didn’t hear back from him in four days and when she said she was looking to date someone who showed more consistency, he replied saying he met someone the day after their last date who seems to have more free time than Ali and he wants to pursue that but would like to be friends, Ali said on TikTok that this other women “bent her schedule to his schedule” and she was unwilling to do that. Mostly talked about him on TikTok
The Analyst
Matched on Bumble two years ago and went on one date, re matched in 2021 and he stood Ali up, she send him a text “getting stood up” script and he never replied. Only mentioned him on TikTok (?)

Ali and Roark start FMH: The Podcast February 2021

The Boomerang
First date on the pod? I couldn't find anything else about him
The Scuba Diver
The Music Man
One date, “he didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just not for me”, amped up small talk, complimented Ali a lot which made her feel awkward cause she wasn’t feeling it, he texted her and asked for a second date and Ali sent the no ghosting script
The Bet
Uses the phrase “ok bet”, 28 years old shoe designer, only went on one dinner date to a spot he picked, turns out its cash only and he didn’t bring cash, was not into him , not looking for the same thing
The Dinosaur
Nickname was previously The Hawaiian, first date at Dinosaur BBQ, stood in a parking spot to save for Ali, he asked for a kiss after their date and Ali declined saying maybe next time
The Rose
He sent her a rose on hinge, first date was an hour long walk in the park while drinking beer
The Comic
Matched on Hinge, older than Ali (Ali’s friends express how happy they were to hear that), had brunch on their first date (was the first part of a double header but the second guy canceled), listed as “moderate” politically on Hinge, good and easy convo, went back and forth twice over text and then never heard back from him, “technically not ghosting...”
The Camper
Met in the wild at a volleyball tournament in July, lives in Chicago, 27 years old, hung out the whole time, over heard Ali asking someone to get her a make out partner, gave Ali his number, drunkly ask him for a FT date in the future and he didn’t reply, Ali texts him again about a volleyball thing and he replied back with not a lot of enthusiasm, Ali is going to Chicago in Sept for a volleyball tournament and she’s already planning on playing 4-on-4 with her best friend vs. his roommate and maybe The Camper, he texts her saying he has to work on the date of the tournament and won’t be able to do the 4-on-4 game, “I feel like I got broken up with someone I never want to date in the first place”

Ali’s Matchmaker contract starts in August 2021 - 6 matches

The Schmoozer
Went on a dinner date, was chatting up the waitress in a kind of creepy way, was bragging about a lot of things and it turned Ali off and Ali texted him her no ghosting script
The Accountant
1st matchmaker match, 31 years old, lives in BK, his dad has also passed away, easy to talk to, on the third date she wasn’t sure if she saw a future with him and in her gut doesn’t feel like this would be a slow burn, Ali breaks things off with him, months (?) later he sent Ali a 5 min long voice memo and they said they were both down to see each other as friends. He later on dated and ghosted Erica
The Aussie
Matched on Hinge, in politics, from Australia but lived all over the place, asked Ali what she’s looking for on the first date and he said he’s “casually looking for something serious”, Ali accidentally walks up to a different person on their second date, Ali texts him saying she would love to see him before he leaves on a trip and she wasn’t happy that it took him till the next day to reply and he can’t see her before he leaves
The Goalie
Was supposed to be Ali’s 2nd match, he’s a paying client, Ali didn’t hear back from him for a while when she told him where she lived, he wrote to the matchmaker saying that she lived too far away even though it states where she lives in her matchmaker profile
The Journalist
2nd matchmaker match, ended things because she was dating/pursuing things with The Discoball and paused her matchmakers matches

The Threepeat
Matched multiple times on dating apps but this recent time with Hinge, Amazon seller, first date was a pizza lunch date (with bubbles aka champagne) and he gave her a single yellow carnation, talked a lot about her “side hustles” aka her food blog, coaching, FMH and the pod (Ali didn’t mentioned the name on FMH), had an awkward half kiss during the date and then gave her a peck when they said goodbye, he had no night stands by his bed?, spent the night but told public pod they had a movie night, different kissing styles, 6 dates, broke things off with Ali two days before her first date with The Rower WHILE Ali was on a Halloween girls trip
The Rower
Dated from Halloween 2021 till early Feb 2022, Pisces who is 6 days older than Ali, has an ex-fiancé (they dated for 8 years, engaged for two of them, she broke off the engagement with him 1.5 years ago once he started dating Ali), has a shared dog with this ex, slept together around Xmas on the fourth date and Ali got a UTI, first time having “omg this is awesome sex” since ASV, first person Ali slept next to wearing an eye mask "that's a big step for me", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, on New Years Day told her that he sees “long term relationship potential” with her but doesn’t want to be exclusive after 5 dates, “we didn’t talk all week”, he said he wasn’t as ready as he though to date someone seriously and “I don’t know why I don’t want to be in a relationship with you” they broke up over the phone, Ali said he’s a good human and wants to date someone like him, 3.5 weeks later Ali drunk texted him at 3:00 am saying “its really hard not to talk to you” which Ali said was a lie, he replied back (few days? A week later?) while Ali was on another date and it made her cry a bit, she replied back saying “the door is closed but not locked” in regards if he wants to get back together. “Fin… for now”

2022

The Discoball
Matched on Hinge but didn’t go on a first date for two week, Gemini, used to be a singer in a band, moved from DC to NYC, went on 7 dates in 2022, had a dog w/ ex and ex got full custody once he moved, met one of his friends on the second date, slept with him on the second date “morning and night”, he tried to find the podcast without knowing the name, podcasted from his house in DC, he would send Ali photos of them together “all the time”, gave a virtual presentation from his hotel room, did Molly together in DC, had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, moved to BK (didn’t see each other for 2 months pre-move), had a sex-less sleepover (a milestone for Ali), he showed up for her on her dad’s death date (something that a person she’s dating has never done), used to listen to the pod but stopped before they stopped seeing each other, ghosted her after they had a talk about moving things forward to exclusive and Ali texted him something along the lines of “your silence is the answer” when she didn’t hear back from him for a week and he ghosted her. Ali said he sucks in #77 AUA
Lisbon
The Brit
M&M
The Come Back Kid
They went on 2-3 dates in Nov 2018 and reconnected in May 2022, "felt immediately comfortable", sat next to a very drunk lady on their second 1st date and was supportive but "didn't step on Ali's toes" when the drunk lady said something offensive to Ali, couldn’t remember if they slept together or not, knows about FMH, ghosted Ali
The Trainer
The Cold Brew
The Nomad
3rd matchmaker match, reminded Ali of The Oyster, wanted kids and didn’t want to live in NYC forever, Ali was upset at first because her matchmaker was supposed to screen for that but the matchmaker DID check and it wasn’t mentioned when she was screening The Nomad, no second date because those are dealbreakers to him
The Catcher
Matched on Bumble, “good not great” after their first date, ~April 2022, talked about sports a lot on their first date
The Gentleman
4th matchmaker match, knew about Ali’s FMH socials before their date, Ali didn’t like his texting style, awkward intro on their first date “like hugging a 2 x 4”, he runs a dating event company and actually email Ali to be a guest on the pod when FMH first started, awkward goodbye, didn’t discuss the actual first date on the main pod because she doesn’t want to give him a reason to reach out again
The Tennis Pro
Ali had a good time on their date, “He is an adult, he’s mature” BUT “I don’t think he was into it”
The Padre
Matched on Bumble, 3 dates, from San Diego, “energy mismatch”, doesn’t want to know or listen to FMH, no psychical connection/kiss, only a kiss on the cheek on their last date, “I haven’t spoken to him since Friday night [a week]”, she didn’t want to do what The Threepeat did to her (break up while on vacation/traveling), she said it might be a MOO

Roark leaves and Erica joins the pod Oct 31st 2022

Captain Kirk
5th matchmaker match, found him on Bumble before their in-person date, ghosted Ali AND the matchmaker???
6th matchmaker match
Last match and Ali states she will not talk about this date or anything about it
JFK Kirk?
Matched on Bumble, didn’t realize he’s located in SD, exchanged personal instagram info, not sure where things went or how things ended

Kirk #1
Met in the wild, make out a lot the night they met, “stealing kisses throughout the night”, exchanged numbers, planned a date (no specifics, just the day) but when Ali texted him day of he asked to reschedule (no specifics again), he replied back that he’s picking up a rental car, told him she’s looking for someone to respect her time and he never replied back

2023

The Falcon
First date of 2023, matched on The League, first nickname was “League Kirk”, hard to talk to, felt like Ali was always reaching for the next topic, likes to travel, “there wasn’t a vibe”, MOO
The Roommate
Used to be her friend’s roommate and have met before (Ali doesn’t remember but it was the day after that exclusive convo with The Rower), “totally cute”, reunited at their mutual friend’s engagement party January 2023, made out at the bar, comes back to her place and sleeps over (no sex), Ali questions why her friends never set them up and its because he was taking a break from dating, first date they made out a lot at the bar (again), “I really felt like we were already a couple”, “It didn’t feel like a first date”, mentions her FMH content has popped up on his FYP, tried texting him after their date and he wasn’t giving effort, she’s glad she didn’t sleep with him because “one night stands aren’t my thing”, MOO
The Belgian
Matched on Bumble, accidentally had their first date during a trivia night at a bar, easy to talk to
The Viking
Ali forgot they had a first date on the day of said date
Tinder Man
Matched on Tinder (duh) on Valentine’s Day, first Tinder date in three years, good convo on first date but got a pushy vibe from him at the second bar they went to, put his hand up her sweater and was kissing her in the bar, made Ali uncomfortable and she told him that after her asked her on a second date
The Historian
Matched on Bumble, good conversation on the first date with a wide range of topics like “urban planning and its impact on feminism”, he’s in grad school
The Georgian
Matched on Hinge, he asked if she was free on Friday and she said yes but didn’t hear back from him in two days and in that time she made plans for Friday, rescheduled for a Saturday afternoon date at a dive bar, ate on her way to her date “it would be next level rude to eat on the subway”, good first date, talked about places he wants to take her to
The Publicist
Matched on Tinder, lives in BK, Jewish, one year younger then Ali, good first date, invited him to the Chaotic Singles Party that night, came over to Ali's apartment (which Ali said was messy) before and he made her favorite cocktail for her, a couple of listeners met him at the CSP, goofy and silly convo mixed with deep and serious convos, second date was at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and a tasting menu dinner, he made a Resy reservation and Ali got an email saying she was added to it ”fuck receiving gifts, THAT’S my love language”, he's into words like Ali, he sneezed and Ali said "God bless you" but then corrected herself and said "gesundheit" and he leaned over and kissed her and said he loves that she cares about her words, he met her friends on the third date ”It felt so easy. It felt so comfortable”, her friends took “sneaky” picture and videos of them together which Ali said she loves a sneaky pic, took all their date recap videos on his phone, cooked Ali steak on their fourth date, "it's very comfortable", had him watch 90 Day Fiancé, Ali met two of his friends and some of his teammates he plays a rec sport with, had sex the day they took a trip outside of the city, Erica met him before their trip to Greece and I said “he’s dorky in a good way”, WhatsApp video chatted while in Greece and told her “see you in two days!” at the end of their call, said she felt less anxious about him compared to other relationships while on vacation, sent him a birthday present while she was in Greece, felt an energy shift coming back from vacation and didn’t hear back from him 3 days after she came home, Ali requested a call to talk about this distances she was feeling, ”I did the 12 date rule and it didn’t work!”, she said the distance help her see that they’re not compatible, went on a total of 9 dates. Ali talks about the “break up” on episode 123
Mr. Chaotic
Matched on Tinder but he saw Ali at the Chaotic Singles Party and Cassidy the host is there mutual friend, went to a brewery and played games on their first date (Ali said this was her favorite first dates in episode 147 where they recapped 2023), works in entertainment industry, very high energy, knows about FMH and he said she's entertaining to watch, splits his time between NYC and some unknown city, texted while she was in Greece, ”The man gives good texts”
Random Matchmaker Match
Withdrew his match to Ali because he found her FMH socials. Talked about on #71 AUA
Gone with the Wind
Matchmaker match, said some gross things about women in volleyball outfits on their first date, Ali told her matchmaker about this, ”I would describe him as misogynistic overall”, Ali was glad he did say those weird things so early on so she didn’t waste her time, the matchmaker flagged his account. This was around June 2023
The Rock
Ali knows him from an activity that they used to be involved with in the city (she's very vague about what this is) from 8 years ago, he had a very serious/long term GF when they met, follows her personal Insta, has never talked about him because he’s never been a “prospect”, summer 2023 they met up to catch up and found out that he’s now recently single but he’s moving out of NYC for work, Ali texts Cindy saying she thinks this is a date, Cindy said to tell him that you really want to kiss him, he ends up telling Ali “I really want to kiss you”, made out at the bar, Ali invited him back to her apartment and they had sex the night before Ali ended things with The Publicist, “one night stand vibes” but she said she was down to do it again, Patreon only and talked about on #75 AUA
The Tourist
Matched on Hinge, just moved to Brooklynn, went to a brewery in BK for their first date, Ali showed up to the date dripping in sweat, allergic to cats, he sent Ali a ‘no ghosting’ text the next morning
The Stout
Matched on Bumble, ”we had really great banter right away”, laughed the whole time on their first date, talked about going on a second date during their first date
Speed Racer
Matched on Bumble, drinks first date, axe throwing second date, made out after their second date, MOO, randomly texted Ali ~6 months later because he said one of Ali’s date recap videos about him popped up on his FYP (Ali and Erica think this is a lie), he thought Ali wasn’t into him, he claims he was doing all the work with texting even though there was only a few messages since they exchanged numbers after their second date
Billy Joel
Recently sober, Ali said she felt like they had several inside jokes before they met in person, ate pizza on her way to their first date, second date was getting coffee and going to the museum, they cooked dinner together for their third date at Ali’s apartment and they watched 90 Day Fiancé (he didn’t like it), he Googled how to clean a red wine stain when it spilled on her countertop, he asked if she wanted to have sex and she turned it down, the next day/the day before a 7am flight Ali booty called him and they had sex, she was drunk and said the sex wasn’t good/they stopped mid way, helped Ali pack for her flight, Ali said he’s at a crossroad and he doesn’t seem like a long term fit, Erica found a condom on the ground while cat sitting, Ali said she didn’t regret hooking up with him but wishes she hadn’t done it, MOO
Sales Cycle
30 seconds in and Ali said he was very boring, only really talked about his job, stared at Ali’s boobs, “might be a MOO”, texted her ‘merry christmas’

2024

Pie Guy/Dr. Laundry
Matched on The League, 34 years old, requested a nickname change from Pie Guy to Dr. Laundry, he had to cancel their second date because he got hit by a car, went on two dates, Ali sent him a pic of his subway stop saying something along the lines of “the stop isn’t looking as cute today” and turns out someone he dated with in that photo, were supposed to go on a third date the night she got back from a bachelorette party but he didn't answer her text when she said she landed, the next day he asked her how her trip was not acknowledging her previous text at all, Ali expressed her disappointment and he replied that he was tired last night, she said she would've been understanding if he said something then ghosted her
Andddd I stopped listening to the podcast around the Dr. Pie Laundry Guy but have stayed up to date with everything via this sub.
I have a huge interest in dating culture, human behavior and data similar to Ali and this little project of mine was really interesting once I got the framework of this list. I started this list once I found this sub in December 2023 and started re listening to the Patreon while working out (and lost 10 lbs ayeee) and writing down information in my notes app. I did my best to keep this list unbiased and just give facts and information that was said.
My own thoughts after making this list is that I'm very sad for Ali. I didn't realize the extent of her dating history. I think about my own dating history or even my friends who are in their 30's and dating and Ali's dating lore runs so deep. Is Ali unlucky with love? Did she pass on someone that could have been great for her? How has she had so many dates with little success in a long term partner or even going beyond 6-8 dates? Or is Skyline the person she has been waiting for? What's the pattern with all this dates/men? So many questions.
I truly do hope Ali finds her guy because I believe theres someone for everyone. Until then, I'll be hopping into this sub (cause y'all are too funny and give the best advice) and waiting for Ali to find Mr. Height.
Enjoy and I look forward to everyone thoughts! I'll keep my eye out for any edits that need to be made.
Bonus quotes:
“Longest relationship was a little under a year and a half. Haven’t made it past 6 months with anyone else” - AUA #7 11/27/21
“I spent the first 10+ years of my dating life being sort of perennially single” -1. The Actual First One episode 2/21/21
"I think my parent's story is the reason why I think that I can romantically get back together with an ex and it'll work out" -The Dave Glaser Podcast 4/5/21
“Almost every relationship I’ve ever been in, with a couple of exceptions, started as a situationship.” -21. The Undefined One 7/11/21
“All of my boyfriends have been white” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“You definitely need an older guy” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“I’ve been on the dating apps since high school. Dating websites at the time” -Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Who would be the perfect man for Ali?”
“Clearly a combination of the The Dentist and [the early stages of] The Buffalo” -Cindy on Ali’s BFF Special on Patreon 4/23/22
“Do you consider The Rower or Disco ball to have been situationships?”
“No, I don't consider either The Rower or The Disco Ball to be situationships” -question asked on TikTok 11/9/22

In hindsight, I should have known something was wrong with The Caeles Academy of Acting.
Maybe the fact that it doesn't exist to the outside world.
This place prided itself on famous alumni it didn't actually name, and a once in a lifetime opportunity to work with the best in the business.
It's what I wanted.
More than anything.
After enduring four years of high school with barely a semblance of a drama club (we met every month, and our teacher was an alcoholic), and countless failed auditions, I was ready to take my acting career seriously. I had one year.
According to my parents, I had one year to make a living from my passion.
If it didn't work out, I would be on the first plane back to Connecticut.
It's not like they didn't trust me. I think they were just scared I wouldn't be able to financially support myself. So, I got a job right out of high school and slipped a year. Drama schools are expensive, and college’s are cut-throat on who they take on. I found Caeles Academy by accident–or, I guess it found me?
After researching cheap drama classes, auditions, academy’s, literally anything to progress my career, an ad popped up.
Not exactly flashy.
Just a date, a time, and a promise that they only take the best. I ignored it, but throughout the week, I started getting more ads. Just the words, “IMPRESS US - - JOIN CAELES ACADEMY NOW.”
Followed by, “BE WITH THE BEST, AND BE THE BEST. JOIN THE S CLASS NOW.”
When I googled the academy, nothing came up.
It didn't exist, at least on Google.
So, I gave up, clicking on the ad, which sent me straight to an application form.
I filled in my details as more of a joke. But I wasn't expecting to get an email back. Again, it was a time, a date, and that exact same tagline: “Impress us.”
However, Caeles Academy was different from what I imagined.
I was expecting a university building, or at least some modern structure.
Judging from their marketing and ads, I figured they could at least afford decent premises. Though I was mistaken. When I stepped out of the Uber, I found myself staring at what looked like an abandoned office tower, a red-brick monolith in the middle of nowhere.
Which was crazy, because I swore a girl wearing a bikini had strode through the doors, with nothing but her phone, and a coffee tucked under her elbow.
According to the text sent from the academy, the auditioning rooms were on the third floor.
Tipping my head back, the checkerboard of broken windows didn't exactly instil confidence.
Neither did the clunky set of automatic doors that took a while to open.
It was a summer's day, and the heat was already baking through my dress, sweat sticky on the back of my neck.
I wanted to make a good impression, but the heels were a little over the top.
Though I had also seen a girl casually walk in wearing a two piece bikini.
“Well?”
Freddie’s voice made me jump. I forgot I was on the phone to him.
After being excited the whole car-ride, already high on five coffees, I was silent.
If I perceived the ‘academy’ from an objective standpoint, it definitely looked like the perfect place to be brutally murdered. But my own personal opinion was it was.. okay.
“What's it like?”
I pretended not to see a rat scuttling under an old candy wrapper.
“It's… fine.”
“Just fine?”
I could hear the smirk in my friend’s tone. He couldn't wait to tell me it was a scam, and had been reminding me all week I was essentially willingly selling myself to the black market. I was stubborn, so, fine sounded better than my initial first impression.
Which was to turn around, walk away, and completely block the place from my memory.
Unfortunately, at that moment, I valued my pride over my awareness.
“It's… okay.” I said, trying to find positives. I was staring at a looming grey building with shattered windows and a resident rat living near the door.
I had a hard time figuring out how the girl from earlier had just casually strode inside, barefoot too. I glanced down at the ground, immediately regretting it.
Like there weren't bits of chewing gum and grime stuck to the concrete.
“Huh.” Freddie said, his tone creeping into teasing territory. “You're really selling it.”
“It just looks like a building,” I muttered, my gaze glued to the rat, who looked a little too comfortable.
Maybe it was a pet.
I was getting progressively more infuriated the more I stared down this place. Judging from the decades old writing ingrained into the door, it used to be a dentist surgery. “What do you want me to say?” I wasn't even trying to hide the scorn from my voice. “It's a building that looks like an academy.”
“Can you send a picture?” Freddie asked, “Ooh, wait, I'll face-time you.”
“That's, uh, that’s not really necessary–”
I was cut off, suddenly, when a guy threw himself through the automatic doors, palms first. He took two stumbled steps forwards, one back.
Lifting his head, half lidded eyes found the sky, before he dropped to his knees, heaving pinkish liquid.
I could see him trying to hold it in, slamming his hands over his mouth, only for it to splurge through his fingers, showering the ground in greyish pink froth.
Like he'd downed a bottle of Pepto Bismol.
Inching towards him, I realized it was Pepto Bismol.
The stink made my own stomach churn.
“Missy?”
I found my voice. “Uh, can I call you back later?”
Before my friend could answer, I ended the call, slipping my phone in my pocket.
The guy was still heaving, coughing up globules of pink.
“Are you okay?”
The sound of my heels click-clacking on concrete made me cringe. The guy noticed, flinching away. Closer, and I could see his scraggly blonde hair.
He was handsome.
Without the bile spewing down his chin.
Early twenties, wearing a fitted white shirt now covered in streaks of bright pink. Part of me wanted to make a half-hearted joke, but getting even closer, so close I could smell his pepto-breath, I noticed he was trembling, his hands clenched into fists.
When I attempted to awkwardly pat him on the shoulder, he twisted around, so fast my morning coffee slithered its way back up my throat.
His eyes were wide, almost feral, studying me like a wild animal.
I noticed the whites of his pupils were red, like he'd burst a blood vessel.
Theatre kids were intense, though I had never met THIS kind of intense.
“Are you… going in there?” The guy’s voice was a child-like whimper I wasn't expecting.
It looked like he was slowly regaining clarity, staring down at his filthy shirt, his hands stained bright pink.
I nodded, uncertainly, offering him my water. “Yeah. Did you audition?”
He shoved it away, slapping himself in the face. “I… I don't know.”
“You… don’t know?”
Suddenly, it was like something had contorted in his expression, a switch being pulled. I wasn't expecting him to twist around so fast. The guy slowly cocked his head, his lips breaking into a grin. His eyes, however, stayed the same.
“Of course I've auditioned.” He said, with a laugh.
“It was the best experience of my life!" His mouth formed an almost mocking frown.
“Unfortunately, I didn't make the cut. Which is a real shame. I'm sure Caeles would have benefited from my talents.”
What was weird, is that his mouth was moving, but he wasn't even looking at me, frenzied eyes caught in an oblivion I couldn't see.
When he did look at me, his expression crumpled all over again.
Pepto jumped to his feet, brushing himself down.
I couldn't take his over the top smile seriously, when his eyes were screaming, hollowed out caverns silently begging me to listen.
This guy was fucking crazy.
“Wait.” Pepto whispered, when I turned to walk away.
He pulled out his phone, tapping the screen before shoving it in my face.
I HAD SO MUCH FUN AT THE CAELES ACADEMY AUDITIONS :)
When I could only stare at him in confusion, Pepto’s gaze flicked to his phone, swiping bile from his lips.
His eyes went cartoon wide, like he couldn't believe what he himself was typing.
“That… that's not what I was trying to say!” He tried retyping it, but the guy was just writing strings of emoji hearts.
I didn't know what to say. I had dealt with rejection before, but I had never gone this far. Pepto was having a full on mental breakdown, his body shuddering, teeth chattering, blinking eyes and lips parting as if to speak, but choking on his words. When he started clawing out his hair, I took the opportunity to make a quick getaway.
Before I could make it to the doors, though, Pepto jumped in front of me, waving his phone directly in my face.
“Just…” he pointed at the screen. “It won't let me…” Growing frustrated with himself, he let out a wet sounding sob, clawing his fingers through his hair.
“Fuck, it won't let me…it won't let me type! It's not letting me type!”
By now, he had tufts of hair stuck between his fingernails. I don't know why his first reaction was to immediately try ripping his hair out.
A quick glance at my own phone reminded me of my audition that was in five minutes.
Meanwhile, I was dealing with what I was pretty sure was delusion, denial, or a mixture of both.
I was considering pushing past him, when Pepto’s phone screen hit me in the face. Again.
This time, though, there was coherent writing.
“FIND LUKE.”
“Luke?” I said. “Who's that?”
“Luke!” The guy was bouncing on the heels of his feet. “He's my…” Pepto drifted off, his eyes going vacant, as if I could physically see his brain being plucked from his skull. Pepto dropped his phone, and I grabbed it before it could hit the ground. His hands went to his curls, clawing, scratching, until he was drawing blood across his forehead.
“I… I don't know! I can't… I can't remember. Luke. He was my… he was my… I don't know, I can't… I can't–”
I stumbled back when he let out a shriek, scratching at his face.
“Fuck!” He whimpered. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!”
Pepto grabbed my shoulders, shaking me, his fingers digging into my skin.
“I don't know who he is.” He gritted out, pink froth pooling from his lips.
Pepto broke out into a sob. “I don't… I don't know who he is, but you can find him, right? You can… you can find…”
Again, he trailed off mid sentence, his hands going limp around my shoulders.
I managed to side step him, swallowing a cry.
“Yeah, I'll, um, I'll find him for you.”
Pepto backed away, suddenly, stumbling over himself.
His gaze found mine, vacant, like a baby deer.
“Find who?”
I didn't wait around to answer him, pushing through the doors and stepping inside.
The interior was unsurprisingly even worse than the exterior.
The elevator was broken, so I had to run up three flights of stairs.
I expected at least an attempt at an academy, even in the dregs of an old dentist surgery.
What I got, though, was a never ending staircase, obnoxious photos of teeth greeting me on every level.
The third floor was… less clinical.
I strode directly into a waiting room filled with college aged students, either sitting on plastic chairs, or standing around, rehearsing.
The room itself was cosy enough, a navy carpet and a TV playing a random Twitch stream.
Situated in the middle was a desk with a bored looking woman behind it.
Her smile was fake. I could understand her pain. She was stuck in a room with theatre kids all day.
“Sign here.” She prodded a sheet of paper.
I was convinced her voice was AI.
While I was scribbling my details, I took a moment to notice the stark difference from the kids entering the room, to the ones leaving. The kids entering wore wide, confident smiles and were social butterflies, chatting amongst themselves.
The kids leaving reminded me of pod people.
They left the room silent, in an orderly line with dazed smiles on their faces, like they weren't sure where they were.
I watched one guy walk directly into the wall instead of taking a left toward the exit, and a girl straight up just toppled down the stairs.
The kids waiting with me named them rejects.
I wasn't convinced until I glimpsed an empty bottle of Pepto Bismol sitting on the floor by the window.
Thinking back to Pepto, that made a lot of sense.
I was still dazedly staring at the bottle, when my name was called.
Jumping to my feet, I did my best to calm myself down, straightening my ponytail. Pepto had really screwed with my head. I could barely even remember the lines I had been rehearsing for a week straight.
I was muttering my lines to myself, when I stepped through the door.
The door that apparently turned you into a pod-person on the way out.
For a moment, I thought I was blinded by stage lights.
It was so bright.
The glow bathing me was clinical, stabbing into my eyes.
When I blinked, I found myself standing in front of three shadows sitting in front of me.
Their chairs were made of leather, far different from the plastic ones in the waiting room.
So, they did have filthy cash.
I was looking at one man, and two women.
They were… average?
I expected them to be more glitzier, but they were just regular people.
The man was in his late twenties, maybe early thirties, a stiff looking brunette wearing a suit and tie, one leg crossed over the other. His eyes were narrowed slightly, lips curved into the start of a smile. Like I amused him.
The women were polar opposites.
One of them was my Mom’s age, grey hair and floral clothing. She took a sip of water, her gaze burning into me.
Google told me not to be intimidated by their stares, but it was impossible.
These people were carving holes into my skull.
Sitting next to her, a younger girl who seemed to own the color red.
Her hair simmered, blood red, while she herself was sculpted in a dress, perfect cherry lips spread in a wide smile.
With a little too many teeth.
They studied my face like I was already theirs, drinking in every inch of me.
Freddie said I had to find a weakness in their expression and use it to my advantage.
If I could find the prick of a genuine smile, I could become their favorite.
“Hi!” I said. My caffeine intake was starting to take effect.
I didn't realize I was bouncing up and down until I caught myself.
Red’s smile stretched wider.
Maybe they liked my eagerness.
“My name is Misa.” I introduced myself, staying casual, keeping my arms by my sides. “I'm twenty one years old–”
I choked on my next words when Red spoke up. “Impress us, Misa,” Her voice was a smooth, almost seductive rasp, and I felt myself fall into it, enveloped in sugar that was too sweet, and yet I couldn't stop myself. She folded her arms across her chest, her gaze challenging me to do something different. To make her want me.
“Show us something we have never seen before.” She stood up, cat-like eyes narrowing, “Show us how desperate you are to join this prestigious class.”
I nodded, and began.
I had planned a whole monologue, practised it over and over again, forcing Freddie to judge me with a none biassed opinion.
I was three lines in, when Red started laughing.
“Stop.”
I did, my cheeks heating up.
She clapped loudly. Obnoxiously.
“Sweetie, oh, stop, you're adorable!”
She leaned forward, like I was something that entertained her, jostling her heeled foot. “We don't take amateurs. I think you need to go back to school.”
This woman was definitely a psychopath.
Empty eyes sparkling with a gleam that definitely enjoyed humiliating candidates, and a twisted smile that was a little too wide. Red made me want to crawl into the ground.
She made me want to turn around, leave the room, and quit my dream. I was aware of my own fury, my embarrassment turning my cheeks crimson. I matched her.
Maybe that's what she wanted all along. To wear the color of her victims.
Taking a shaky step back, I started to nod, started to agree, my mouth choking with the words, “You're right. I'm sorry for wasting your time."
I had never received proper constructive criticism from a professional standpoint.
Which meant I really did suck.
But I didn't move. I didn't want to move, and Red continued laughing, her companions sitting in silence.
The man rolled his eyes with a loud, exaggerated sigh.
Like I was boring.
The older woman pulled out her phone.
“Misa, you are…cute.” Red said. “But you're not quite what we are looking for.”
I wasn't sure I could admit it right there, but she made me feel things.
Like I was ignited.
Like I was going to prove this crazy bitch wrong.
I found my voice, strong and confident, despite my hammering heart.
“Give me another chance.”
Red’s lips curled. “So cute, Misa. Oh, sugar bear, It would be better if you left the room. Unless you want to embarrass yourself further! In that case, be my guest!”
She turned her attention to her nails, nudging the guy.
“Dinner?” She hummed. “I'm thinking of Italian. You are quite the wine connoisseur, Nicholas. Why don't you introduce me to your favorite?”
“Hey.” I blurted.
They ignored me, getting a little too close.
I don't know why I continued, reading my lines, screaming them, so I would be heard. I read them perfectly, and tweaked the genre from drama to romance, and then to horror. I became three different characters, a high school girl struggling with cancer, a final girl, and a woman going through a divorce.
I was fucking perfect.
But they weren't listening to me, caught up in their own conversation.
I tried again.
And again.
And again.
By now, I was on my knees, my fingers ripping into my hair. I was seeing red.
“We want originality, Misa,” Red said, sucking her teeth.
Her voice crawling into my skull was enough.
She still wanted me.
The thought polluted the back of my mind, taking a strangling hold. She still wanted me. When I lifted my head, Red wasn't looking at me, her gaze on the table grains. “Show us something new.”
I got to my feet, panting, my breath in my throat.
I became a screaming, strangled mess, a woman who lost her baby.
Red’s interest was piqued. Only slightly. Through my fraying vision, she slowly turned in her chair. “Again.” She clapped her hands, “Come on, Misa! We want new! We want never been fucking done before! Are you deaf?”
I couldn't stop the sobs escaping my mouth.
They lost interest again, right in the middle of my reading.
“Why can't you look at me?” I found myself spluttering.
When the man pulled out a bottle of water, I yanked off my heel and lobbed it at his face.
“Look at me!”
He did. Slowly. His gaze found me, for perhaps the first time.
Not as an amateur, but as a potential candidate.
Around the twentieth attempt, I started to laugh. Never been done before? I could feel my fingernails already in my scalp, clawing chunks of my hair out.
Reality contorted, and I felt myself drop to my knees. I was still laughing, spluttering, sobbing. I could still hear her in my head. Never Been Done Before. I started slowly, dragging my fingernails down my face until I felt the harsh sting.
“Again.” Red said, and her voice led me to stare down at my hands, at pinkish flesh glued to my bones, fleshy mounds that I had never realized was so thin.
So easy to tear. I didn't even feel it.
Only the sudden, unbridled euphoria of biting into my own skin, locking in my jaw, and ripping into myself.
When I tore it from the bone, warmth filled my mouth, and I was choking, guzzling down my own flesh, mulling it in my mouth and swallowing.
I can't remember how I got so deep, and why I didn't stop.
Why I didn't fucking scream.
But it didn't matter.
Red was standing up. She was clapping, her lips spread into a grin.
Her applause filled me with stars.
So, I ripped my hair from my scalp, a hysterical giggle escaping my lips.
She loved me.
I could see her jumping up and down, clapping.
Louder, and louder.
Her applause controlled me, twisting and contorting me into hers.
I didn't even think. I wanted to impress her, and doing this was doing just that.
My fingers were delving into my right eye socket, clawing my eye out. It didn't even hurt. Not with her thundering applause that was deafening, beautiful, an orchestra in my ears.
When I was semi conscious, my eye was crushed in my hand, but my vision was still mine, almost too clear. I could see streaks of red blurred between my lashes. My hair was caught between my fingers. But I wanted to do more.
When I stumbled to my feet, Red’s smile was so beautiful.
The man, however, looked horrified.
“Someone grab one of the successes,” Red’s voice was a shrill giggle, “Bring him in!” she clapped her hands together, and I spat out a fleshy thing. “I want to see them together! I want to see the future in front of us!”
Footsteps coming towards me in slow, shuddery thumps. I looked up, and a shadow was dancing around me.
When I slowly rose to my feet, I half realized I’d bitten my toe off. The shadow had a face, a boy who was younger than me. I think he used to have hair, but half of it was gone, half of it was still stuck between his fists. When I found his eyes, I found twin caverns instead.
Eyes that were still physically there, and yet there was no life.
No spark.
I was staring at a dead body, a flesh puppet who had lost his strings.
When he grabbed my hands, pulling me into a waltz, I caught a smear of scarlet trickling down the back of his neck. When I followed it upwards, his head was covered, slick, dripping with red.
Like me, he matched her too.
And he was beautiful, she told me, her push, her thunderous applause, guiding me into a waltz.
His feet moved, perfecting every step, and my foggy mind couldn't understand why. He matched my every move, the two of us floating across the floor.
My feet knew the steps before my mind.
How could he dance? I thought, dizzily.
How could he dance, when smeared scarlet followed his twisting, and turning and pirouetting feet?
Because underneath that swimming clinical light, the back of the boy’s head had been carved away, a perfectly sculpted cavern where his brain should have been. I could see the severed stem, where it had cleanly plucked out.
His fingers cradled in mine were wet. Swimming in blood.
His own blood.
Spinning round and around, I imagined myself as a princess.
I saw an 18th century ballroom lit up around us. Glittering smiles and glasses of champagne, long, flowing ball gowns.
I blinked, and my head was tipped back, gliding in blood once again.
When he pulled me to his chest, I stumbled, and a name came to light.
Luke.
I had found him.
Our finishing spin left me hard to breathe.
My body was broken, ripped into, and yet somehow not.
By the time we were finished, the two of us bowing, my mind was full of fog.
Cotton candy.
“Congratulations!” Red’s smile was inhuman, stretching right off of her face.
“You're in the S class!”
I was led through a door that wasn't the one I entered from. Inside the room were a dozen or so students, kneeling on the floor. They were missing parts of themselves, like unfinished puzzle pieces.
I dropped onto my knees next to a girl without a head. I could only see her torso, but I knew she was smiling.
Looming over us, was the goddess Athena drenched in blood that was still wet.
Dripping, pooling from every crevice of her dress.
Looking closer, this statue was moving.
Something sickly crept into my mouth.
Her right eye was human, a twitching eyeball sandwiched inside the stone.
It didn't match her. It was wrong, horrifying, like a painting, a real human eye struggling to focus on us.
And then, my own gaze found the statues head, where a real human brain had been forced inside perfect white, pink, greyish mush dripping down the sculpted, slender neck.
I could see where it had been pushed, pulverised through the stone.
The statue’s singular eye found me.
Its dancing pupil jumped up and down.
Before it blinked.
Next to me, Luke was on his knees, as if in prayer.
I can't remember leaving the room.
I just remember running.
Back down the stairs, stumbling, staggering over myself.
I was screaming by the time I reached the doors.
They opened, as usual.
But I couldn't get through. I tried, but I was slamming into something I couldn't see.
Pepto was still waiting outside. The sky was dark.
When he saw me, he stumbled over, slamming his hands into the glass.
I couldn't even understand myself. I was just fucking screaming.
Pepto held up his phone.
“DID YOU FIND HIM?”
I shook my head.
“No.” I lied.
I can't tell him the truth. I don't even know what it is.
“I can't get out!”
Pepto nodded slowly, typing something and showing me his phone.
I'm getting you both out of there. I think I know how I can get inside.
It's been 3 days, and Pepto is yet to return.
I’ve tried multiple times to cry out for the H word. But it won't let me type it.
Please H me. I need to get out of this place.
Fuck. Get me OUT OF HERE.
Classes start tomorrow.

This is a story I heard from my dad that his sister told him, I’d always heard it from him, but recently decided to get the story directly from her. Here’s a copy/paste of her description of events, all I’ve changed are the names of the people involved.
“This happened in the summer of 1991. (Boyfriend) and I helped one of his friends move to Moonstone, and (Boyfriend) had the big U-haul truck, we had stopped at Wasaga Beach and we were about to get locked in because the gates closed at dusk. So we were driving down the 400 towards Toronto, and the truck died, it was near the Aurora sideroad or exit. (I remember because it was the first time I'd ever heard of Aurora) (boyfriend) didn't give a crap about the truck so we just left it there and started walking, not hitchhiking. And you remember (boyfriend) had the long blond hair, he was mistaken for a woman many times, this gold car pulled over. It was dark by this time. The guy got out and asked where we were going, and said you'll have to sit in the back seat, he had a bunch of milk crates with papers on the front seat. It was a 2 door car so it's not so easy to get out of the back seat. I will swear on a bible that I seen a gun in his hand when I was getting in the backseat, (boyfriend) made him move his crates to the backseat and sat up front. I don't remember if he hold us his name but he started talking about his work and he said he was an accountant for Beckers and he lived in Scarborough. He did miss our exit on the highway, and (boyfriend) asked him what he was doing, none to politely. I don't know where he ended up dropping us off. He was kind of odd. I remember telling my Mom how scared I was when I saw the gun, (boyfriend) says he didn't see it.
When Paul Bernardo was arrested he had the same gold car, and was an accountant for Beckers. I have thought of writing him and asking him about it but never have.”
For those unaware, Paul Bernardo is probably the most famous serial killer in Canadian history. He was known as the Scarborough Rapist, The Schoolgirl Killer, and as “Ken” of the Ken and Barbie Killers.
I’ve done a little research, and Bernardo did drive a 2 door gold Nissan 240SX. He was an accountant, but I can’t find anything about him working for “Beckers”, although since he did freelance work he might have at some point, or just gave a different company name because he didn’t want to give out too much information. Found no record of him owning a gun, but it’s fairly possible he used a fake one to intimidate people.
Overall, I’d say a guy who looked just like Bernardo, drove the same kind of car, in the same uncommon colour, with the same career, in the same area as the killer, that’s quite a few coincidences… so, thought it was interesting enough to share. :)

The poster, which DFV hung in the back of his room at the congress hearing. The same image revealed by audio spectrum analysis of the purple box tweet.. the poster itself had a hidden message at the time of the hearing: Congress are bribed, hang in there!
From the Wikipedia page for the original “hang in there, baby” motivational cat poster:
“In 1973, Vice President Spiro Agnew, charged with accepting $100,000 in bribes while holding office as Baltimore County Executive, Governor of Maryland, and Vice President, was allowed to plead no contest to a lesser charge as long as he agreed to resign as vice president. In September 1973, while he was considering his situation, Representatives William L. Dickenson, Republican from Alabama, and Samuel Devine, Republican from Ohio, presented him with a "Hang in There, Baby" poster signed by 100 members of Congress as a token of encouragement and support.”
Time traveller Kitty has been meticulously playing 69d chess, right from the start.
We already knew congress were bought and paid for at the time of the hearing, not only is the whole financial system corrupt, congress is too. I think at the time of the hearing, kitties message was that this corruption wasn’t going to stop MOASS - Congress are corrupt but hang in there.
I think now, Kitty is simply confirming that corruption is not going to stop the eventual justice that comes from directly registering stocks and removing them from DTCC circulation.
What’s in the gamestop box? A purple light? Then the cat poster hidden audio message… DRS & hang in there!
If shares are removed from circulation through direct registration and booking, they can not be loaned out, passed around to create phantoms or used as collateral against derivative bets etc. in the grand hypothetical scheme of things, the derivative market shrinks without borrowed shares. Without derivatives to create bets, the fake money printer can’t print imaginary cash purely based on borrowing YOUR stocks. The whole system is fucked because they need to borrow your shit to create fake shit with.
Non hypothetical and totally literal - By booking shares in your own name, nobody can use those shares you’ve bought and paid for to harm your investment OR the company you have invested into. By directly registering your shares in your own name, brokers can’t take your money and give you an IOU, they can’t play CFD, they can’t supply PFOF to MMs dark pools, they can’t loan them to SHF to short and tank YOUR STOCK. By DRSing, nobody is making money from YOUR invested money and fucking you or anybody else over with your very own hard earned coinage. Buying via the companies registrar, your purchases hit the lit market every time too.
In my own words, by DRSing your shit, there’s no shit for fucks to create fuckery with.
The message from the time traveller is clear: Corruption can’t stop us. DRS. Hold - Hang in there.
MOASS aside, (let’s pretend MOASS isn’t a thing for a sec) GME is thee most DRSd stock (FYI, infinity pool with DRSd shares & MOASS lasts infinitely ..incase you didn’t know). It’s going to be untouchable once the float is safely locked away in safe hands. It’s, just a matter of time until it is. Fair market value, dividends, company doing great. Thats when the rest of the world sits forward and takes notice they notice the most DRS’d stock is doing pretty fucking good, “shouldn’t they have gone out of business by now? Maybe we should directly register our shit too…”
Side note - Anyone else remember the sound of mayo being puked into a bucket during the hearing? Because I do. Spectrum analysis on that puke probably spells out NO CELL, NO SELL…
It takes a while to reach the fucking moon, DRS your tickets n hang in there, everybody 😺

Hola!!!! Fui aceptada en una maestria en la Universidad de Groningen, estoy buscando becas y/o prestamos educativos, he encontrado algunas pero vengo por acá para preguntar si alguien tiene conocimiento de alguna que yo no haya escuchado :) MIL GRACIAS !!!!

You guys know what an alpine coaster is? They are like a small roller coaster you find in the mountains. They are also called summer toboggans or mountain coasters and I think there’s some long German compound word they are called in parts of Europe. They are like a roller coaster, but with much smaller one or two person sleds you just sit on instead of multi-person cars you ride in, and instead of being built with like a scaffolding or a framework the tracks are just on the ground, using the elevation of the mountain. Basically it’s a coaster track on the side of a mountain where you ride a sled down.
They are pretty fun. Or at least I used to think so. They are more “personal” than roller coasters and although you get nowhere near the speed on them that you do on a good traditional roller coaster and they can’t do corkscrews or loops or anything like that the openness and simplicity of the ride gives an impression of a much greater speed. You’re just sitting there with nothing but a little plastic sled and the track between you and the ground as it goes zooming by. It’s like the difference between how fast a go-cart feels compared to how fast a sports car feels. You know the sports car goes faster but the open, simpleness of a go-cart feels a different kind of fast. There’s plenty of POV Youtube videos if you want to get the basic idea of what they are.
I used to love alpine coasters. Used to.
My family used to go to Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge and up and down the Smokey Mountains for vacations when I was a kid and they are common in that area and I’d always rode them every chance I got.
But as with so many things after I grew up and went to college they just became part of my childhood that slipped away. They aren’t exactly common once you get away from the mountains.
Until one cool spring afternoon in 2004. I was in my final year at college and I was driving back to campus in Tennessee after a short visit to my folks in North Carolina. It was only like a 4 or 5 hour drive via the most efficient route and I had no need to be back at campus early so instead of taking the freeway all the way I got off and took part of my trip through the mountains. The scenery was nicer and I admit I liked pushing my Camaro just a little faster than I should through the twisty mountain roads.
Just after lunchtime happened upon one of those little by-the-highway tourist towns deep somewhere in the Smoky Mountains near the Carolina/Tennessee border. Nothing fancy, a gas station/truck stop, a diner, a couple of places selling tourist merch nestled deep in the mountains. I pulled into the gas station. My tank was getting low and I needed to stretch my legs, maybe grab something to eat. It was still early and I only had another couple of hours. I could kill an hour or so and still make it back to campus at a decent hour.
I pulled into the gas station and was filling my tank when I happened to glance across the road and… well I’ll be damned. There it was. “The Blue Ridge Alpine Coaster.” Nestled on the side of the mountain was a building, a mockup of a red barn, where a single railed track that led up into the mountains, where it soon got lost in the greenery. Wooden hand painted standees of cartoon character bears dressed in stereotypical “Hillbilly” getup stood around, some of them holding signs showing the ride hours and ticket costs and other info. I had to admit, as silly as it was, it made me smile.I finished pumping my gas and, well, nostalgia is a helluva thing. I decided then and there I could waste a little time riding an Alpine Coaster again after all these years before getting back on the road.
I parked my car in a corner of the truck stop's parking lot, put my phone in the center console, this being the days before smart phones when people didn’t keep their phones with them 24/7 and I didn’t want my old Nokia brick phone to fall out during the ride, locked my car and walked across the mountain highway to the Alpine Coaster building.
Getting closer, the place was less inviting. The half hearted attempt at a whimsical faux-Americana kitsch was far less effective when it brushed up against the actual decaying, run down wooden building. Hell calling it a building was generous. It was a wood frame holding up a long roof that covered the area where you got on the sleds. The wood boards creaked under my footsteps.
The only real enclosed structure was a shack that held, what I assumed, was a ticket booth. A door on the side had both a single occupancy bathroom with an out of order sign on it. An old Pepsi machine buzzed and glowed next to it.
Still the place looked alive. Ahead of me a bored looking attendant was helping a mother and her young son into one of the sleds while in a bored monotone repeating the safety brief. A few people were waiting in line at the ticket booth. Up in the mountains the playful shouts of people on the ride echoed down. Fond memories of my own childhood rides flooded my mind.10 minutes and 15 dollars later I was settling into the hard plastic seat of a bright red sled sat atop a simple aluminum rail.
I couldn’t help but grin as the sled slowly climbed the track up the mountains, making click-clack ratcheting sounds that hit my nostalgia centers hard. I felt good. The air was cool and crisp and smelled of pine.Higher and higher in the mountains we went. I don’t know if this is my mind trying to make sense of it after the fact but when I remember these moments, the last good moments, I sometimes think I remember a very slight, very subtle pit of fear in my stomach. I honestly don’t know if I felt it at the time or not or it’s just how my mind tries to make sense of it looking back at.
But either way mostly I was enjoying myself. I smiled. I was a kid again. I could hear riders in front of me let out that initial yell of terrified glee you get at the first drop of any good ride.
It peaked. I glanced around. I could see for miles, rolling hills and mountains. I the sled tipped over and zoomed down the mountain and I let out the same happy yell I heard from the other passengers.The ride zoomed down the mountain, catching speed. The mountain forest floor zoomed past, only a few feet under me. Trees zoomed past. I gave out a happy whoop as the ride banked hard around a curve and then looped back under itself.Another dip, another curve. I closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of the G-forces pulling me every which way.
There was no one exact single moment where things started to go “wrong.” The ride kept going. And going. At this point the first creeping thought entered my head.
The ride… was still going.
It just started to hit me… this ride was going on for a really long time. I had taken a dozen rides on various coasters of this type before that day and they topped out at about 5 minutes or so, and that was the long ones. Longer than a traditional roller coaster but not that long. This one had been going on for what felt like 10, maybe even 15 minutes.
I looked back over my shoulder and could only see trees, moving too fast to really get a bearing on where I was at in relation to anything.
I wasn't exactly really worried yet. Okay so I had found a particularly long alpine coaster. At the time I wasn’t 100% wasn't sure they didn’t exist or anything like that. I was a little… unnerved but nothing was happening that was impossible. Yet.
I was trying to talk myself back into just enjoying the ride and stop overthinking it, and halfway succeeded, when out of nowhere I suddenly banked hard, the track jutting out almost over a sheer cliffside. I gripped the sled more tightly as I was whipped around. The ride then dipped hard and picked up speed, barreling down the side of the mountain.
I was pushed back against the seat by the force of the drop. Jesus I didn’t remember them being this rough. I was feeling slightly nauseous. And where had this elevation drop come from I wondered? I was still in the foothills and I didn’t remember seeing anything but gentle rolling hills and light drops from looking at the ride’s route earlier. How the ride had managed such a long, steep drop in this area I didn’t know. . For the first time I hoped that the ride would be over soon. I had no idea then how much I would want that same hope to be true so much more as time went on.
With a whiplash motion I was whipped forward and then back as the ride leveled out on flat ground again, but by this point I was going fast, too fast. My neck hurt from the mild whiplash and I felt sour in my throat and for a moment the contents of my stomach threatened to come back up. For the first, but hardly the last time the ride felt unsafe. Alpine Coasters are tame affairs, much slower and gentler than full on roller coasters but this thing was throwing me around like no thrill ride I had ever been on.
I looked around. I mean I wasn’t that deep into the woods. I should have been able to see a glimpse of something; the highway, the gas station, the tourist shops, the Alpine Coaster office, something, anything. But nothing. Just trees.
I forced back some panic for the first time. I closed my eyes and counted to ten. The ride zoomed along. I counted to 60. I counted to 60 again. And again. Okay this was getting uncomfortably harder and harder to explain.
Suddenly I noticed that up ahead the track seemed to just end, for one brief, terrible moment I thought the track just ended but I was wrong. Almost without warning the track dipped in an almost vertical drop. I almost screamed as I plummeted for 20, maybe 30 seconds before flattening out again.
By this point the voice in my head that was telling me something was wrong was louder and I could no longer tell myself it was wrong. This ride could not have been this long. I tried to make sense of it, wondering if somehow I had gotten diverted onto some kind of maintenance track or, hell for one brief irrational moment even entertaining the idea that I had wound up on an actual train track somehow. But that was absurd. The rail below me was not a train track, it was still just the simple, aluminum rail of an alpine coaster and there had been no diversions or junctions in the track. I was still on the ride, as insane as that was starting to feel. Had the ride somehow looped? Again after having the thought I immediately dismissed it as crazy. There’s no way I could have missed the ride building where I got on. And what kind of ride loops over and over?
The sled zoomed through the forest, oddly never seeming to lose speed despite the relatively flat grade of the track. I cursed myself for leaving my phone in the car and not wearing a watch. I don’t know exactly how long I had been on the ride at that point but it felt like I had been on the ride for a half hour, maybe more. But time is a funny thing when you’re in a situation you’ve never been in. Could have been more, could have been less, at that point.
My pride finally failed me. I started to scream for help. I screamed out that the ride was broken, to stop it, that I needed help. I did that for about ten minutes or so I think. The ride kept going. Mostly flat, level track with occasional mild dips and turns. But the simple length of the ride grew more and more unnerving and unexplainable.
I thought about just bailing out. But the ride, impossibly, was still not slowing down and chunks of mountain rock and thick tree trunks were all around me. Bailing out without risking smashing into a rock or a tree seemed impossible.
The ride kept going.
Up ahead the forest was clearing out some, I could see the forest brightening, more sunlight making it through the canopy.
I wasn’t prepared for what I saw.
The trees stopped and I had just enough time to take in a flat, open area of rock maybe 40, 50 yards at most before another sheer cliff. The tracks twisted and turned and then shot straight down. But that wasn’t the worst of it. For a moment, a very short moment, I had a clear view for miles and the landscape was, to be blunt, totally impossible. Any possibility that I had just stumbled on some incredibly long ride was blasted out of my head. Barren, volcanic looking rock stretched for miles. Jagged, black rocky outcroppings as far as the eye could see. I was in the goddamn Smoky Mountains. They don’t look like that.
I had a few moments for the terror of that view to settle in before the cart plunged into another horrifying drop. I gripped the handles of the cheap plastic sled until my knuckles turned white. The drop felt completely vertical, like I was falling at terminal velocity. I screamed. My stomach dropped and turned. I imagined the sled coming away from the track and me just plummeting screaming to my death on the rocks below. But somehow the ride still functioned. I closed my eyes tightly and just waited for whatever was going to happen. Eventually after several what felt like a full minute of steep plunging the track again leveled out, and I opened my eyes to see myself moving at breakneck speed over that black, rocky landscape.
Now that I was moving on a more or less flat horizontal track again I took a few deep breaths. I looked over the edge of the track. Nothing but that black, jagged rock, almost looking like obsidian, zooming past. I had no idea how fast the sled was moving now. Fast. Faster than a gravity powered sled should be moving. And the track was higher off the ground now. Alpine slides usually stick pretty close to the ground, but I was 20 feet or so in the air, the track suspended in the air, a simple metal tube tower like a power pylon every few yards.
Without any immediate threat and the sled moving fast but steadily and level I was able to think about my situation again, for all the good that did me. Ahead of me the track just continued to the horizon, nothing but the same rocky landscape as far as I could see. I craned my neck to look back over my shoulder and looked back behind me and it looked the same. Even the mountains were but distant specs on the horizon behind me.
This was insane. There’s not a giant seemingly endless field of black jagged rock in the goddamn Smoky Mountains. There’s no cliff faces tall and steep enough for a multi-minute vertical drop. And alpine coasters were small affairs, not major engineering projects that span miles with pylons and vertical tracks. It made no sense.
Sadly it wasn’t going to start making any more sense anytime soon.
The ride kept going.
I was on this rocky landscape for several hours. I feel comfortable saying this because I could actually notice the sun getting lower in the sky. And the sled wasn’t slowing down despite the grade of the track being flat. I was getting cramped from sitting and stretched my legs and twisted my back as best I could. Didn’t do much help. My eyes were starting to get irritated from the constant wind in them. Worst of all it was starting to get chilly. I only had on a light jacket, a windbreaker, just something to keep the breeze off me, no real insulation. I was cold, my joints were stiff, I was hungry and thirsty. My eyes watered and my throat was so dry it was sore.
But none of that was as bad as just how little sense this all made. There’s nothing like this place anywhere near the Smoky Mountains. This was like some volcanic rock landscape. The more I thought about it the less sense it made.
The ride kept going.
My mind didn’t even try to process this. Whatever I was experiencing simply couldn’t be possible. I was crazy. I was dreaming. The CIA had kidnapped me and dosed me with some new version of LSD and I was in a straightjacket in a padded room at Area 51.
The sled kept zooming along as the sky turned to dusk. Soon the bridge disappeared from my view and I continued on along the endless, rocky, featureless landscape.
I sat back against the sled, mentally and physically numb. I was exhausted. I was thirsty. I was cramping up. I was hungry. I had to pee. I held it for as long as I could, then had no choice but just wet myself. I cried until I had no more tears left. Then I just sat there.
The ride kept going.
By the time the sun dipped below the horizon my throat felt like sandpaper. I dug around in my jacket pockets hoping to find a stick of gum or piece of candy. Nothing. I checked again, having nothing else to do. Under a crumpled store receipt in the inner pocket of my jacket was a single old, forgotten cough drop. I unwrapped it from the paper and popped it in my mouth. Saliva flooded back into my mouth and I was overwhelmed by the methanol and medicine taste. It was something at least, although I knew it would be a brief and temporary fix at best.
I felt my eyes get heavy. It was getting colder. That mountain cold. That deep cold the mountains have even into the early spring when the sun goes down. That kind that just pulls the heat right out of you. I shivered. A terrible, horrible certainty came to me. I would ride until I passed out from exhaustion or the hypothermia set in. My body would tumble off the sled to fall and skip across the rocky ground like a stone skipping across a lake, my bones breaking as I tumbled until my body finally came to a stop. If I was lucky I would be killed and not have to lie for days, broken and bruised, on the ground until death took me.
The ride kept going. The ride kept going. The fucking ride kept going.
“Fuck you” I said to the ride, my voice a horse whisper. I pulled my jacket closer around me, for all the good it did. The cold wind was slowly but surely pulling my body heat away. My shivering got worse, crossing the line from a simple normal shiver into those deep, almost violent full body ones.. I wasn’t anything you could call an experienced outdoorsman, but I knew enough to know that wasn’t a good sign.
It was getting dark. There was a full moon at least so I wasn’t totally in the dark.
About then I noticed something. The landscape, what little I could see in the fading light, was changing. It was smoothing out, becoming less rocky and craggy. Up ahead an odd, shimmering light was starting to appear on the ground.
I was over it before I even realized what it was. The tracks were going over a smooth surface.
Water. It was a lake. The odd lights I had seen were the moon, reflected in ripples on the lake.
Within minutes I was out of the view of the land. After the nearly endless rocky landscape and everything else I had seen, it scared me how little I was shocked. I didn’t like how mentally numb I was getting. I leaned over. There was enough moonlight to see the water, 15 or 20 feet below the track. The pylons holding up the track went into the water, the light wasn’t good enough to even make a guess at how far they went down or how deep the water was.I leaned back in the sled. My eyes were red and bloodshot from the constant wind. I closed them. This was a mistake.I jerked awake. I don’t know if I dozed off for a split second or an hour. My weight had shifted and I caught myself as my center of gravity was in danger of sending me off the sled and into the water.
I screamed in anger. A deep primal scream. I hurt so bad. My joints felt like they were full of glass. My limbs were full of pins and needles. I glanced over at the water. For the first time on the very edges of my brain a tiny voice started to speak up, telling me that I could be all over if I just jumped. I shut the voice up, but it scared me still.
I sat there as the ride went on. It felt like hours. Eventually the lake ended in a rocky shore line. The damned ride. There was no safe place to bail out. If the ride slowed down, it was high in the air, if it moved toward the ground it sped up. Sharp rocks, big trees, nothing you could safely bail out into.
I kept having to force myself awake. I kept dozing off. Once I felt myself falling asleep and drove a vicious uppercut into my own nose to stave it off.
I seriously started to think about how much longer I could hang on. The voice came back again. This time I didn’t shut it up. I wasn’t admitting it to myself yet, but I was starting to think about the best way to land that would end it quickly if I needed to.
Something was ahead. The track seemed to dip into the ground. I was too tired, too beaten to even get scared. I was just resigned to whatever happened at this point.
With little warning the track took my sled into a tunnel in the ground. Everything went completely pitch black. After several moments even the dim moonlight was gone.
This was the worst part. The creepy forest, the immense rocky landscape, the eerie lake… those were bad. But this was just nothing. Nothing to look at, nothing to hear, nothing for reference or sense of where I was going. The walls of the tunnel felt like they were inches from me in every direction. The air felt thick, like there wasn’t enough oxygen.
With every moment I was in that tunnel I lost a little more hope. After a long, long time I made a decision. When I got out of this tunnel, I would jump. I didn’t care anymore. Hopefully there would be a spot where I could be certain the fall would instantly kill me. I was done. The ride had beaten me. I sat there, waiting for a chance to end this on my terms. That was all I had left.
Eventually up ahead, a tiny speck of light appeared. I gathered my strength, ready to end it. I sat up, getting my legs under me so I could jump as soon as we were clear. The sled burst out of the tunnel. The dim light of the full moon was enough to be momentarily blinding after the pitch black of the tunnel.. I gave my eyes a moment to adjust.
I was back in a normal looking Appalachian forest. Rolling hills, green trees. The air smelled of pine again. I heard an owl hoot off somewhere.
Slowly I lowered myself back into a setting position, in shock. At first I refused to believe it but the ride was slowing down. I held still, making sure my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me, but no, the cheap plastic sled that had been my world for what felt like an eternity was slowing down.
Up ahead, a structure was visible, peeking out from among the trees in the dim lighting as the sled moved down the track.
It was the Alpine Slide building. The crappy fake red barn where I had boarded this cursed ride so long ago. I blinked and rubbed my eyes, sure it was either my mind or the cursed ride playing tricks with me. But the building stayed there.
It grew closer and closer. The track leveled completely out. The sled slowed down more. Before I had the time to really come to terms with it I arrived back at the building.
The sled slowed to a stop, gently pumping against another sled parked on the track. I sat there for a few moments, gasping in great big gulping fear breaths, trying to assure myself the ride didn’t have one last trick of its sleeve.
I looked around. The place was empty, deserted. The overhead lights were still on and the old Pepsi machine still glowed and buzzed, but the ticket booth was dark and empty, a metal gate pulled down over the ticket window.
Suddenly it hit me that I was free and I practically leapt out of the sled and onto the platform. I immediately collapsed. My legs were jelly and my head was spinning. I tried to stand up again and doubled over, dry heaving. Have you ever been out on a boat for a day and have that weird reverse motion sickness when you’re back on solid land? It was like that times a hundred. My inner ear was literally pounding, all the motion had really done a number on it.
I laid there for a few moments and eventually forced myself to stand up on my two wobbling legs. I looked around, a horrible certainty creeping into my mind that there would be no exit, no way off the platform but to my relief an exit turnstyle, one of those full height ones, was set into the fence that surrounded the ride property.
I went through it and found myself back on the main road. The truckstop was still there, still open but far less busy. My car sat in the same corner of the parking lot I had left it.
I allowed myself one look back, just one quick one. The metal skeleton of the Alpine Slide track sat there, dark and quiet but otherwise normal.
I stumbled-ran back to my car, dug the keys out of my pocket, and collapsed inside. When the door shut I let out a primal scream, the tons of fear and confusion and anger all fusing into a single, raw emotion. I screamed again and again.
After a few moments I felt like I was emotionally at least back to a place where I could act, although I wasn’t sure yet what to do next. Not really knowing what to do I cranked the car. The A/C had been on low when I shut off the car and it came roaring back to life and cold air blowing on me almost sent me back into a full on panic attack. I fumbled with the climate controls until the air stopped blowing directly on me, then calmed down enough to turn the heat on, helping to get the chill out of my bones. There was a half full bottle of water in the center console cup holder and I grabbed it and chugged it. Nothing ever tasted as good before or sense as that few ounces of water.
That was when I noticed the clock on the radio head unit. It was 4:17 in the morning. It had been about one, one thirty or so in the afternoon when I got on the accursed ride.
Over 15 hours. I had been on the goddamn ride for over 15 hours. Over half a day.
I just sat there. Warming up. Calming down. I was exhausted. I was dehydrated. I can’t even describe how my head felt. I probably had at least a minor case of hypothermia. I thought about going into the gas station and asking for help but what would I even say, and more than anything I just wanted to get away from this place. And I just wanted to get away. I wanted to be nowhere near that damn ride.
I put the Camaro in gear and pulled into the street and in panic I immediately slammed on the brakes. I was lucky there was no traffic on the road at that moment. The feeling of accelerating to just normal surface street speeds made me sick to my stomach. I gathered myself and very slowly accelerated the car I usually treated with a very heavy foot up to 30 miles an hour. Every time I tried to accelerate at a pace faster than “Old Lady Going to Church, Uphill” I would have a panic attack. I was okay once I was up to speed, but accelerating freaked me out after being on that ride.
I drove about 30 minutes, putting some arbitrary amount of distance between myself and the coaster. Eventually I made it back to where the twisty mountain road met back up with a major road that would eventually meet back up with the highway. After a few more minutes of driving I saw the onramp for the highway. There was one of those big truckstop travel plazas and pulled in, parking right up at the door. I smelled like pee and I can only imagine how I looked, but I didn’t care.
I kept a couple of emergency 20s in the back of my wallet and spent it on the biggest bottle of water the store had, an overpriced bottle of eye drops, and a huge travel mug of coffee. The clerk looked at me as if he was expecting me to either drop dead or rob him the entire time.
Back in my car I downed the coffee. I put a few eye drops in each of my eyes and sat there as the caffeine took effect until I felt like I could make it back to my apartment. The sun was just coming up when I finally pulled out of the truck stop and got on the freeway. I slowly, very slowly, accelerated up to highway speed, put the Camaro in cruise control, and let the miles start to drift away. I turned on the radio, I needed to hear human voices. Every time my mind went back to what had just happened I turned the radio up louder, eventually drowning it out with painful levels of rock music. I wasn’t ready to think about it yet. Yes looking back I know I was just in denial. I finally made it back to the crappy little apartment I had off campus, a little two story walk up studio. I let myself in and collapsed on the cheap couch. I was asleep before I even had the time to decide whether or not to do anything else. I woke up later that afternoon. I took a shower and ate a meal and didn’t think about the ride. I washed the pee stained filthy clothes I had been wearing and didn’t think about the ride. I went back to class and didn’t think about the ride. Every time I thought about the ride I forced it out of my head. I’m sure this wasn’t the most mentally healthy thing to do but what can you say?
I didn’t forget about it, don’t be silly. This isn’t the kind of thing you forget. One day while looking up something else in the university’s library my curiosity got the better of me and I looked up the Alpine Slide. No website but a few Google Map and Yelp mentions. None of them mentioned anything weird, certainly nothing even remotely like what I experienced. Near as I can tell it closed sometimes in the winter of 2012.
Life went on. I mean, that’s what it does. The next day was a little better. And the day after that a little better. And the day after that a little better still. I met a nice girl. Graduated. Got married. Got a nice house in the suburbs. Got a dog. Had a daughter. Spent a lot of time happy and not thinking about being trapped on an endless alpine coaster.And that was my life for many, many years after that.
Until a few weeks back when as a very different person I found myself driving a boring and safe mid sized family SUV through those same mountains. My wife Carol, 5 months pregnant, sat in the passenger seat, our 6 year old daughter Emily in a booster seat in the back, and Max our mixed breed mutt next to her. It had been a nice pleasant trip, driving back from visiting her folks.
I hadn’t thought about that fucking ride in so long I barely registered that I was in the same general area until it was too late. Suddenly I realized that little mountain tourist trap town was only a few minutes down the road. I swallowed hard and gripped the steering wheel hard. Carol was looking out the window at the scenery and Emily was deep into some kid’s Youtube video on an iPad. I forced myself to keep my breath steady as we rounded the corner.The town was still there, sorta. Time had not been kind to it. The gas station was still there, at some point it had been bought out by Shell. The tourist trap shops were still there. One of them was now a vape shop. The diner was closed, the building looking like it sat unused for a long time.
But of course that’s not what I cared about. A looked over at the site where the Alpine Coaster once stood. It was gone. The kitschy fake barn was gone. The site was just a bare concrete slab with a chainlink fence around it. Faded “no trespassing” and “for sale” signs hung off the fence. A pile of old, decaying lumber that might have once long ago been part of the structure covered part of the old lot. No sign of the track remained outside of some old concrete support posts dotting the side of the mountain.
I exhaled out a breath I hadn’t even realized I had been holding in. Soon the little town disappeared in my rear view mirror.
About a half hour later we stopped for gas. I pulled up to a gas pump across from a massive motorhome. Max stuck his head out the window and started barking at a little white dog, a toy breed of some kind, in the window of the motorhome. Carol and Emily immediately headed into the store to restock on snacks while I fueled up.
I stood there, a half smile on my lips as Max barked and wagged his tail in an attempt to attract the attention of the other dog while I filled up the tank, said dog doing an admirable job of ignoring him.
Right about the time I finished fueling up and cleaning the bugs off the windshield Carol returned from inside the store, Emily in tow, arms filled with two full sized bags of Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips and what looked to be a half dozen individually wrapped pickles.
I raised an eyebrow at the collection of food but knew better than to question a pregnant woman's snack choices.
“Should we take Max for a quick walk?” Carol asked. The travel plaza had a nice little gated dog walking area off to the side.
“Yeah probably not a bad idea, he’s been cooped up in the car for a few hours.” I said. Max, upon hearing his name and the word “walk” , forgot about the other dog and upgraded from wagging his tail to wagging his entire body while making whining sounds and staring right at me.
About this time I became half aware that the big motor home next to us was pulling away. I didn’t think much of it, outside of doing a quick automatic mental check to make sure Emily was well clear of the moving vehicle, but she was safely between me and our SUV, well out of the way.
But that was when Emily looked behind me and cheerfully yelled “Daddy look a roller coaster! Can I ride the coaster?”
It’s cliche as fuck I know but my blood went cold.
I turned around slowly, certain in my knowledge that terrible old decrepit Alpine Coaster would be there, having just popped into existence to trap me again.
That.. is not what I saw. Sure enough there was a coaster there, one I hadn’t noticed earlier because it had mostly been blocked by the motor home, but there it was. It was even an Alpine Coaster.
But it was not the same coaster I had encountered those years ago. That was immediately obvious. It was a small but modern and newish looking setup with neon lights and a bunch of people. There was an actual building where you bought tickets and a little snack stand.
“Daddy! Can we go on the coaster!” Emily asked again.
My mouth made motions but no words came out. I glanced over at Carol, hoping she’d say we didn’t have time but to my horror she smiled and said “You know what? That does sound like fun. Daddy will take you while I take Max for a walk.”
My mind raced, trying to think of a way to get out of it. But Emily was already dragging me across the parking lot to the entrance.
I patted my pocket, making sure my phone was in it. Every fiber of my being was screaming to run away. I slept walked through the line and the ticket booth while Emily bounced happily.
We got into a two seat plastic sled. This one was actually a lot nicer than the one my mind wouldn’t stop thinking about. It had two nice cushioned seats, big grab handles, even a nice rollbar.
The sled started up the track. I fought back the panic. I swerved my head around, keeping the building in my view. I was terrified of losing sight of it. We made it to the top and Emily did a happy squeal as we started down the side of the mountain.
My heart raced. Any second, any second my mind told me we’d lose sight of the building and then the ride would never end. The ride sped down the mountain. My mind tortured me with thoughts of not only going through it again, but seeing Emily go through it. The ride went around a big, banking turn. Emily kept shouting happily. How long before Carol reported us missing I wondered? Could I keep Emily calm? What if it lasted even longer this time? What if this time it never ended?
And then we were back at the start of the ride. The same attendant who had helped us into the sled was helping Emily out. I stepped out. The attendant gave me a brief look but said nothing. I guess I looked a little wild eyed.
I was fine. Emily was fine. It had been a perfectly normal, fun ride.
“That was fun Daddy! Thank you!” Emily said. I forced a smile back. “It was fun.” I responded, hoping like I sounded like I meant it.
I took Emily’s hand and we walked back to the car. Max saw us coming and barked happily. Carol looked up from the pint of Ben and Jerry’s she had somehow acquired and added to her snack collection while we were gone and smiled at us.
“Did you have fun?” she asked.
“It was so fun Mommy!” Emily said.
Carol smiled down at her, but then looked at me and frowned. “Are you okay?” Carol could read my face a lot better than the attendant could. “You’re pale.”
I smiled and this time the smile felt real. “Ya know what. Yeah, I think I am okay.”
Carol looked a little puzzled, but didn’t press it. We loaded Emily back in her booster seat, stopped Max from trying desperately to eat half a discarded gas station hot dog off the ground and got him back in the car. Carol and her small collection of snack food took her place in the passenger seat and I got in the driver's seat.I smiled. I cranked the car. I put it in gear. I pulled out of the gas station and back on the road, this time accelerating just a little faster than I had in years.

I’ve came across so many sub reddits about the topic of Sammi and Jennie and it INFURIATES me how majority of people are team Sammie/ give excuses for her shitty behavior??? It was made CLEAR in the season 1 reunion that Sam was insecure about Jenni bc her and Ron had an initial attraction to each other. This was proven in season 2; when the whole note situation went down. I think everyone collectively agrees that Sam was dumb ASF for taking Ron’s side and turning on the girls the way she did even tho the note was a stupid idea. Nobody disagrees with that.
But for some reason, I’ve seen so many people pick and choose Jenni’s quotes within the show to push a narrative that Jenni always wanted Ron, that she never liked Sammie, and so forth to explain why Sammie made TEMPORARY amends with Snooki. Like no. Let’s be fr for a second. Sammie was a stuck up asshole from season 1. Like when Snooki got belligerently drunk in episode 1 and thew up. The next day Sammie was like “I don’t want your pukey breath on me.” Like girl what? What are we in middle school? Her being referred to as “Sammi Sweetheart” is an oxymoron tbh.
Jenni NEVER gave me stuck up vibes. She never gave me fake vibes, and was always VERY transparent about her feelings and opinions of others. I mean she only knew Snooki for like a few weeks and defended her against another girl at a club who was calling SNOOKI fat?? Idk why people were acting like Jenni wasn’t a girls girl? When Sammie was a guys girl through and through. Ron could murder someone and she’d defend him. And don’t even get me started on how horrible she was to Deena and the NASTY things she’d say about Jenni (which only further proves my point on how jealous of Jenni she was.)
I still have a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to Sammie. Jennie was my favorite in the earlier seasons so I guess I’m biased. But I just don’t get how people have managed to view Jennie as the villain?
Also: Not team Ron. He is the DEVIL. I feel like him and Sam were the worst people in the show.

I’m so scared of what’s to come. Scared of the treatments, the pain both emotional and physical. It’s been almost 2 years and not even so much as a scare. I don’t want to take all these medications but I will. I don’t want intimacy to feel like a chore but it does. I don’t want to keep dodging well meaning relatives asking me if we have any kids yet but I do. I do with a fake smile on my face and a new topic ready to deflect to. I don’t want to go through IVF but I will if it means we finally get to be parents. Above all of it is the fear that it may never happen at all. I’d love to adopt, but my husband isn’t so keen. I don’t want to have to convince him if it comes to that, but I might. It’s been almost 2 years and I am not ok.

I've been doing some closer readings of The Forever Story and I caught something absolutely genius on Raydar that I don't think anyone else has yet (or at least not that I have seen). Let me give you a detailed breakdown of this string of bars from the first verse, because it helps explain the reading of the line in question:
I got the shit you could play for your mama I got the shit you could play for the hoes I got the shit you could sell to the trappers

• Kind of self-explanatory, he has songs that speak on generational issues that your mom can appreciate (like Skeegee), he has bangers you can play for the girls to dance to, and he has "shit you can sell to the trappers" which btw, is a triple entendre:
  
• Drugs - JID's music is so good it's like a drug good enough to sell to trappers
  
• Music - Like your mama and the hoes, trappers will find songs they like within JID's catalogue
  
• JID's street cred - Maybe a stretch, but I think JID also implies that JID's music is so authentic to the streets that trappers will "buy" it, or believe him and recognize him as real. This reading is supported by some of the following lines
  

In Decatur with the 'K and the Colt

• Decatur is a neighborhood in Dekalb County, Ga (in Atlanta), so JID pivots from bragging about his music to showing he's still in his hometown of Atlanta with a K and a Colt
  • K: Could be a dog (K9) to show he's not to be messed with, or $1000, since he's so successful now he just carries that kinda money
  • Colt: Could be a gun (continuing with the street authenticity, K9 theme) or a beer (he's got money and he's celebrating with some 40s)
• Here's the kicker - listen to this line a few times, because I think there's a whole different, completely intentional way you can hear it based on how JID pronounces the words. I can hear JID claming that he's "Indicated with the K (Kendrick Lamar) and the Cole (J Cole)". Since JID immediately pivots to criticizing fake rappers ("I know some rappers that, how Imma say this?..."), he almost certainly intended for this interpretation. This also calls back to his lines on "D/vision" in the Never Story “I can’t count on a ninja turtle finger who is really fuckin with the kid that is JID”. Since Ninja Turtles only have three fingers, JID implies there are only two other artist who can match his lyricism and musical talent.

I don't think this is a reach at all! JID really thinks the only two rappers in the game that can match him are Kendrick and Cole, and he cryptically reinstates here what he said on D/vision 5 years before. The more I read into "The Forever Story", the more I'm inclined to agree with the kid.
What do y'all think? Can you hear "Indicated with the K and the Cole"? Any other great lines from this masterpiece you wanna highlight?

Ok uh here I go. This is both a story and an ask for help😂
Sooooo I’m 16, I’m a guy, I grew up playing sports, stopped at 13, now a guitarist and pianist, I discovered I was bisexual when I was 13 back when my friends used to make jokes about gay ppl and the idea of finding men attractive but I’d find myself feeling the things that which they joked about.
For about a year after knowing for sure I simply kept saying I was straight cos I was like look, it’ll be fine even if I’m bi I can fake being straight for my very homophobic family and just date girls forever.
Fast forward to today, and I don’t feel comfortable in my own household, all my friends know about this, and there is a guy who I’m talking to who I really like, and I so badly wanna try something but if I can’t even say it to my parents I don’t feel like I’m worthy of that relationship.
My family really just want me to fit a masculine ideal role, that’s why I was put into sports young and why I had to find my own ways to things I’m actually passionate about like music and style, I would love nothing more than to tell my mother but then there’s all the silly gay jokes that are made every day in my house and it’s just really putting me down,
Any answers or DMs from anyone who may have had the a similar experience or any thoughts or words that might help me out with this would be so so very appreciated😅 thank you if you made it this far.

Background: Husband (34) and I (30) are in the process of recovering after about 8 years of his serial lying and cheating. We have two small kids, built a wonderful life for ourselves, and I really pride myself on our family unit.
After his last bout of lying about women a little over a year ago, he started DBT therapy and took it very seriously. He ACTUALLY seems to have changed. He recognizes his past trauma that was unhealthy. He is an Army veteran and so there’s definitely a lot to unpack there, which he’s finally doing. He’s been working so, so hard for about 10 months. I see the effort and I HAVE seen some really positive changes as well. I want to give him credit for that because it did take so much work for him to get the help he needed. He’s doing great, for the first time ever.
However, I had to leave for a military obligation (I also am serving) and have been gone for about 6 months. We all visit at least once a month…but that’s where all the problems came to my attention.
I’m not that happy to see him whenever I do. It’s not that I’m unhappy or that I dread it…he’s just kind of a guy that’s in my house with the kids. I don’t miss him. I’m happy to see my children and miss them painfully every single day, so I don’t think I’m emotionally entirely broken. But when my husband and I reunite, I can’t even remember to kiss him and when I do it’s just so I can check it off my checklist of stuff I know “normal” couples do. I don’t feel like I can really be intimate (I’ve tried. It feels like I have to talk myself into it every time.) I don’t feel any desire or attraction. I can’t imagine making out with him. It’s almost like I still am living in a “me vs him” mentality and being intimate would be like sleeping with the enemy. How fucked is that?
We have almost nothing to talk about and everything, to me, seems so forced and awkward. He tries to keep them going because he’s trying to connect with me, but I just never feel like having a fake conversation. He never makes me laugh. I’m super silly, but I don’t feel like we can play together or joke or really do anything. We just talk about the kids and then ask each other dry questions about our day before I can’t take it anymore and make up an excuse to stop talking. It’s all taking a toll and I feel like he doesn’t even know who I am. I struggle to even care enough to want to know who he is now. I thought I knew him, but apparently I had no idea.
He says he feels unwanted because he’s always missing me and happy to see me but I’m cold and physically unavailable. I don’t even hug him. I told him that if he feels unwanted that he should try being me…I’ve always been 2nd, 3rd, or 4th place to whatever girl he was trying to be with at the moment. I can’t get these types of thoughts out of my head. I don’t think he loves me even though he shows me every day with how hard he’s working in therapy.
He sends me gifts, flowers and seems to think of me often, but when it comes down to it I struggle to meet him halfway. I almost look at his kind gestures like he doesn’t mean it…it’s only just so he can say he’s tried. I say thank you but I don’t feel anything…
I don’t know why I can’t bring myself to loosen up or to love him again. For the first time, he’s actually trying. He’s doing everything I needed from him the entire time. I’m frustrated with myself.
I’m away until at least January and he’s home with the kids, so divorce isn’t an option. I’d love to use this time away as a way to try and build us back up. I can’t help but feel like I’m the problem now. He’s doing all this work and I’m just so shut down I can’t even really feel the results for myself.
I WANT to want him. I want to laugh and like him. I want to get lost in conversation…I wish he was my friend again but I just cannot get myself to allow him to even see me be goofy. It feels too vulnerable. My trust is so far gone that I don’t even CARE if I’m being lied to or not (I don’t think I am, for the record). I just live day to day and try not to think about it all.
Has anybody been through anything similar? I want to reconcile. I want to recover. But I’m in my own way. How can I get through this? I don’t even know who I am…who he is…how can I help myself? Are there any specific methods you used to love again? Any thought processes that particularly helped you? Books? Podcasts? Talking points? I am open to anything.