Borderline and relationship

Hey, this is my first ever post on reddit. I never really share anything, but since I have no one to talk to, here’s my vent.
For a while I’m in a relationship. Despite pretty hard circumstances that are not dependent on us, it goes very well. Since the beginning I feel like I found my person, my soul mate or more. And I love him so so much. But I feel like it’s not enough. I don’t post this on any relationship advice page in hope people here will understand it better.
I feel like I’m the problem here. And my borderline is not helping at all. Sometimes I lock myself up, I refuse to talk (or there’s nothing to talk about, just a bad episode). I push myself away, I don’t ever want to bother or share what is not important. I treat him like the most beautiful treasure. Protecting him, sometimes also from myself or rather what borderline is making me be… That’s not the same person. Most of that are just some problems I make up myself (or at least I think so) or my brain speaking nonsense. Because my problems are mostly imaginary. I don’t eat, don’t sleep - just thinking. Praying that he won’t leave. Because he’s everything I have.
I was the one who was supposed to help him with his struggles and problems. Because that is my role since my childhood. A healer and proctor. But now it reversed and I hate myself for this. I don’t need any help because no help can be given to me. I should be alone with the amount of damage I can cause all around me. But I never want to. I don’t want to hurt people though I probably do. It’s like having hands that burn everything you touch. It hurts me so much. And I’m used to being a failure and disappointment to everyone. Not a big deal. And at the same time I’m so grateful for having him in my life. I just don’t know if I even deserve it, if me or / and borderline are not destroying this. And even though I wish I could come and talk about this damn nonsense, I can’t because I don’t want to hurt him or make him leave me. Because I know how hard it is.
Sometimes I feel like I should just leave him. Not beacuse I want to, I’d never do such thing and I love him dearly. I would sacrifice my whole life for this person. It’s only because I feel like he deserves so much better than me. So much more than what I (can) give him and what I’m doing. He is the love of my life. But how can I love knowing well that at some point he probably won’t be able to handle it or I’ll simply destroy this? How can I look at myself in the mirror knowing that this is all I do? Knowing that because of this I’m probably just a burden and problem? That I’m nothing more than a fucking monster that doesn’t deserve him and is probably hurting him a lot. He would never say anything or bad word about me. But I’m not enough.
He is the kindest person and gives me a lot of support. He knows about my mental problems mostly, not all of them though. And I know I could tell him anything. But I can’t. Because I don’t even know what is wrong. Just like your depressive episodes, you want to kill yourself but you don’t even know why. You hurt people or yourself for no reason.
I’m trying my best not to show anything, not to bother him with my stupid thoughts or to make him struggle. I’m trying to be a good partner, but I know I’m probably not. Why would I be, if I cause so much damage around me? Most of that is just my borderline making me hate him or making me want to start a fire without a reason. But I don’t hate him, no, I love him. That’s the paradox of this disorder.
That’s not something that will ever go away. The guilt. And I really don’t know how to help myself, us. Because I’m afraid of destroying this, him leaving or that it’ll end. I really don’t want that but what can I even do?
Speaking about why borderline, it’s because of what this disorder makes you think or do. I can go from hating to loving him so quickly, knowing well I don’t even hate him. It’s my brain, not me. I love him like no one else. Sometimes I have really, really bad thoughts but I won’t ever share them. So I don’t scare anyone. The worst part is when I just don’t even know what’s wrong. I’m angry, depressed for no fucking reason. I go from being a lovely cute girl to a monster in few minutes. Mood swings are not the only problem. It’s you changing instantly. Until you’re so lost you don’t even know what you are. I wish it didn’t affect him…
I can’t fucking stand myself. I try my best because he is the only thing I have and want in my life. Because I was never loved the way I am by him. But he deserves so so much more than me. And that fucking hurts. This disorder is just making you want to throw up with the amount of pain it causes to you and others.
Thank you for reading:)

Hey eveyone, I need some advice specially from my sisters in this group.
28M here. Never been in any relationship and as expected parents are forcing me to get married even though I told them I am not interested.
The issue is that I am borderline asexual. For some reason my conscious brain finds the act of sex gross and repulsive. 🤷‍♂️
I do want children if I get married and can engage in sex for procreation + once/twice a month. (Like I do give in and masturbate once every month or two when the base desire exceeds a certain limit. I guess the same frequency could apply to regular sex as well).
How likely is it to find someone on the lower end of sexuality spectrum in AM setup?
If I meet someone how to steer the conversation in this direction? For starters I think past relationship could be one factor. I don't think someone asexual would get in a relationship. (From what I have seen in my college people who choose to date usually have a higher sex drive).
This is not foolproof criteria. Some people don't engage is pre marital sex due to being conservative, religious, upbringing etc. They can still have a high sex drive. From what I have observed women with such beliefs still consider divorce as a taboo (to the extent they even stay in a toxic marriages). I don't want to marry such a woman as she deserves someone much better than an asexual person like me.
Also, some women can literally lie about their past (Not sure why). Marrying her will eventually lead to sexual frustration for her pushing her towards infedility or divorce.
One of my cousin sister was also asexual (I guess something is wrong with our genes). She was pressured into marriage 5 years ago and as expected her husband divorced her in 6 months.
Given my situation do you think I should even consider marriage or should I give up on the idea completely?
Sorry for the long post.
TLDR: As a borderline asexual man is is possible to find a borderline asexual girl via AM? If yes when and how should I bring this up during conversation.

I clearly need a therapy, but I'm just afraid to make first steps to it. I afraid to go to a therapist. One of the reasons is that majority of them in my city aren't that great. Friend of mine told me stories how people he hanging with, friends, gf, visited many of them and some simply gave up after 5 or 6 therapist because they couldn't get proper help from neither of them. Only some managed to get help.
And i can't talk with them via video call since i live with my parents, and i don't have personal space for such things.
This necessity to visit that many people and share my problems with every of them scares me. Not to mention that i have so many things to deal with - it will take many visits. And i can't imagine doing that with every single one. Plus it's quite expensive on money side.
And some of them just so bad, I'm afraid that is I'll tell about it, they lock me up in asylum. I want to be better, i want to resolve my issues, but damn, sometimes it feels like world really wants to punish you for weakness, while doing it's best to show how afraid of people with such mental problems.
And a lot of those so fundamental, I'm not even sure that i should go with it to them, like inability to build relationships (i don't understand even most basic things about it), not knowing how to live a life (i don't take holidays because i simply don't know what I'm going to do at them), inability and fear to go out of comfort zone, and other such stuff.
Not to mention that many of those things borderline between psychology and psychiatry, i simply don't know who to reach out.

The diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is predicated upon the notion that those who suffer from it have aspects of their personalities which are problematic, self-defeating and dysfunctional so, in the first instance, it is useful to explain what is meant by personality.
In fact, there are several theories which attempt to describe what personality is rather than one, definitive theory and one of the best-known theories is called the five-factor model of personality.
The 5 factor model of personality proposes that personality comprises 5 main factors/traits/characteristics, represented by the acronym OCEAN.
These 5 factors are shown and elucidated upon below :
Openness To Experience (inventive/curious versus consistent / cautious). Conscientiousness (efficient/organized versus easy-going / careless). Extraversion (outgoing/energetic versus solitary/reserved). Agreeableness (friendly/compassionate versus challenging/detached). Stability/Neuroticism (sensitive/nervous versus secure/confident).
Because, as already stated, a diagnosis of BPD is based on the idea that aspects of the diagnosed person's personality are disturbed we would expect there to be some relationship between this model of personality and the personalities of those suffering from BPD.
In relation to this, researchers have posed the question: to what degree can a diagnosis of BPD be predicted from a description of a person's personality based upon the 5-factor model?
One study (Distel et al., 2009) that sought to answer this question, involving over 10,000 participants in total, found that, in terms of the 5-factor model, the traits that best predicted BPD were :
High Neuroticism combined with Low Conscientiousness
Another study (Kendler et al., 2011) came up with similar results, finding that the three factors which correlated most highly with BPD were :
High Neuroticism Low Conscientiousness Low Agreeableness
A third study (Terr, 1991) found that individuals who had suffered significant childhood trauma (extremely common among BPD sufferers) scored more highly than controls on :
Neuroticism Openness to new experience.
Research carried out by Gutierrez et al. (2000) suggested that seven fundamental aspects of personality that, when they become disturbed, dysfunctional and maladaptive (e.g. due to childhood trauma), make up the foundations on which personality disorders may develop. (though, of course, to be diagnosed with any one particular personality disorder not all seven aspects of personality need to be functionally impaired. However, which of the seven aspects are impaired, and in which combinations, will contribute to the determination of the particular personality disorder).
Antagonism Compulsivity Detachment Disinhibition Negative affect Psychoticism Submissiveness
The above is of particular interest as there is a growing feeling within certain sectors of the medical profession that, rather than labelling people with potentially stigmatizing labels (such as borderline personality disorder) it may be better from a patient's point for the therapist to describe his/her difficulties with reference to the above seven personality aspects. This also has the benefit of providing the patient with specific personality traits and behaviours that s/he may benefit from working on and giving him/her greater insight into the source of his/her difficulties.
Studies suggest there is a genetic component that contributes to an individual's chances of developing BPD during adulthood. This, in turn, suggests (but does not prove) that certain behavioural aspects/traits of BPD may well have been adaptive for our ancestors (i.e. helped them to cope with their environment, to survive, and, ultimately, therefore, to reproduce in certain situations). Let's look at examples of why this may have been the case.
EXAMPLE 1: SOCIAL AVOIDANCE:
One aspect of personality pathology can be social avoidance e.g socially avoidant personality disorder and BPD (during phases of withdrawal) This trait could have helped our ancestors survive if they lived in an environment in which there existed many dangerous strangers.
EXAMPLE 2: IMPULSIVE BEHAVIOUR:
Many individuals suffering from BPD are highly impulsive. If a person is impulsive, it means s/he tends to react very quickly to an array of stimuli. Thus, in environments in which danger could suddenly come out of nowhere (like being unexpectedly attacked by a predator), lighting fast reactions would help to increase the individual's chances of survival.
EXAMPLE 3: AGGRESSION
One main symptom of BPD is a propensity to fly into intense rages and become (usually verbally) aggressive. Again, for our ancestors, aggression helped them to survive and reproduce. Indeed, violence was necessary as there was no police force to protect people and food and resources could sometimes only be gained by the means of fighting. Even during the last century, anthropologists studied a tribe of very violent hunter-gatherers and found that those who had committed homicide lived longer and reproduced more than less violent members of the tribe.
It stands to reason that individuals who both inherit traits relevant to BPD AND grow up in a dysfunctional environment (constituting a ''double-whammy) are at especially increased risk of developing BPD compared to both those who inherit similar traits but experience a stable and loving childhood and those who do not inherit BPD-related traits but experience a traumatic and stressful childhood.
It follows, of course, that if a parent has BPD, the child is at significantly increased risk of developing BPD him/herself as s/he may both inherit predisposing personality traits and grow up in a harmful environment.

Just a bit of background for me: I was diagnosed with BPD in 2018/2019, I’ve been in psychotherapy for over six years and overall I’m a lot better at controlling my symptoms than I have been in the past.
I struggle trying to control life and plan everything to keep myself as stable as possible. The more I can plan the less chance I have an intense emotional reaction from the unexpected. This fixation is so intense I’ve questioned if I have undiagnosed autism. I idealize potential situations, trying to make everything perfect.
Overall, I experience a lot of anxiety when it comes to making social plans for that reason. When I get bailed on or plans change I become at best irritable and upset and at worst enraged and distraught. I’ve had pretty inconsiderate friends in the past who gaslight me when I get upset that they’ve been flighty and now i can’t tell when I’m being dramatic or I’m truly being disrespected. With friends now I don’t discuss my diagnosis because I don’t want to use it as an excuse or it to be weaponized against me. I wish sometimes other people understood what it’s like to have plans change as a (recovering) borderline. I know I should try to be understanding and accepting that things change naturally but in my heart I feel abandoned and hurt. I wish I could be like people who just let it roll off their back but it seems like things that don’t bother other people as much bother me like somebody died.
I want to talk about how I feel with my loved ones but I’m scared they won’t understand or think I’m being self-absorbed. These feelings make me want to quit trying to have close relationships with people but I’m committed to recovery at the point. I want to try but I’m in so much pain over seemingly inconsequential things that people w/o bpd don’t seem to grasp.

Hello - such a sad reason to post here..
My BF and I have been dating for a long time and he is the only man I have ever known.
I've always known he was a very avoidant person and he prefers to run away and disappear when faced with any issues he doesn't really want to deal with. In fact, he has dumped me before for that same reason and we were broken for more than a year. He said he regretted it and never stopped loving/missing me. So we got back together because I also never stopped loving him.
With that said... we have had a rocky relationship. Between his avoidant personality, my anxious personality, and our long history of rocky things like few borderline infidelity issues (him, not me), and both of us struggling in life (career-wise) that made us both not the happiest individual.
I take full accountability that for the past 6 months to maybe even a year, I have been so so unhappy with myself that I only realized a week ago that I felt like I have been treating my partner unfairly. I held him to such high expectations and expected him to change and almost solve all my problems, when I really wasn't being introspective enough. I know it sounds like I'm blaming myself because I love him, and I'm sure a part of that is true.
Anyway, his family lives out of country and rarely visits, so this visit was a big deal (for me). I wanted to make a great impression because I love him and therefore his family is very important to me. And I always had a suspicion they weren't too fond of me (yes, that may be 100% my insecurity). But then while he was away from me but with his parents, we had a big fight. It started with the joke of I think you're the lucky one in the relationship, no you are, etc. leading to him basically not admitting but also not denying that he thinks he is the "better" one in the relationship.
So I got upset. I became reactive. He told me he had to get off the phone and sleep but I insisted that he answer me when I ask "do you really think you're better and that I should be so lucky to be with you?" After I relentlessly repeated that question to him, he raised his voice to say that my insecurities are my problems and none of his business. Ouch. It hurt and I was stunned. So while I was speechless, he said "while you think, I'm gonna go" and hung up on me.
I was so upset, angry, and honestly feeling petty. So much resentment towards him. So I didn't reach out to him. Neither did he.
But during my time away, I did a lot of thinking and worked on myself. Read a book that changed my perspective. I felt like the bad seed in the relationship. It clicked in my head that I'm the one that mainly strained our relationship. I asked for too much without giving myself - like owning up to my own issues and wanting to change myself before demanding change from others. Now I know you can never change anyone else but yourself.
So when he returned from his trip along with his family, I asked him to have a conversation with me in person. I apologized, tearfully read him my letter on my recent enlightenment, and asked if he was considering breaking up with me, which I feared.
He said yes to wanting to dump me. Turns out, during the week that he was with his family, he decided to dump all the issues to his entire family. He denies that he "badmouthed" me, but I think he did something worse.. He told his family that I don't make him happy and that we are simply incompatible. Told them stories about how I pushed his buttons, portraying me in a very negative (and insane) light without giving full context of each situation. Mind you, I pretty much have never met his family. So they know nothing about me, my personality, and anything, for that matter, except from his perspective or whatever he decided/decides to share. Or even this relationship. He told me all the plans have been cancelled (for me) and that his family does not wish to see me. I begged for another chance and that I messed up. After a few hours, he came around and told me that he loved me and to tell him that he's not making the "biggest mistake of his life" by giving me another chance. I of course said that this is the right decision. He even got very intimate with me. I felt like my life was going to come around and that I can do everything better (but obviously not overnight).
The very next morning, he texted me his family doesn't want to see me. They stated that we "can" still date, but they have their own feelings (I think that was a nice way to say that they hate me). I got upset. My fear of rejection and abandonment kicked in. Went into my pattern again to become reactive/impulsive and told him that it isn't fair for them to say that his entire unhappiness is due to me and me only. He has had a tough time with his own careelife that has been making him sad and depressed. That's when he said that that's not true and that I really was the only thing that has been on his mind, making him miserable. Then he said this is exactly what he didn't want to deal with and that we're done.
When I asked to talk on the phone, he called me and said that he no longer believes that I can change and that his family now never wants to do anything with me ever. I was shocked that he was so quick in relaying my reaction to his family. He has never been this tight-knit with his family, so this was all new to me. He said some things that felt like wasn't his words. I felt like his family was manipulating him. I may be wrong and in denial, but I'd like to think that after about a decade, I'm used to the way he talks/thinks from time to time. Also, he said that he "loved" me. Past tense.
So he hangs up on me while I cried his name over and over, after saying that he will only meet me after his business trip (because I asked to please meet in person to talk further while apologizing profusely) and in a public place only, which is about a week. The public place part was what confused me. What was I going to do - endanger him? I have never.. I felt like he was asking for that because maybe he is scared that I may be able to convince him in a private space? This is the part that felt like wasn't his word choice.
I left him a lengthy text apologizing to him and his entire family and that I will not try to justify my behavior as it was wrong of me to act so rashly, especially after promising to change. But that I would like for him to please give this relationship a fair chance as I really do believe we can be very happy together, in a healthy relationship.
That day, I was extremely busy with a packed schedule. After I sent that message, I was running around everywhere. He knew my schedule exactly. He knew exactly when I'd be out of the house and when I'd be back.
Right before my last thing, I get a very cold text response from him saying that he believes I'll reach my career goal, that I have people around me who love me, and that he did read the entire text I sent. And that he'd be "happy to chat" when he's back.
Honestly even before that, I had a suspicion but I simply wasn't able to get home due to my obligations.
I literally ran and sped to get home when I could. I think a part of me died when I did. Everything was gone. All of him. He obviously left some stuff behind as he probably moved within a span of a couple hours, but he did a very thorough job. I was impressed and depressed at the same time. I couldn't stop crying. I had been crying for the entire day and more. Everything. was. gone.
It took so much for me to not reach out and/or react. I was beyond heartbroken. The worst part? I still wanted him so badly. It has been 2 days since this happened and I'm still broken. I haven't eaten for the past 3 days and I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I keep reading his last text. I told him I'd give him space and I want to honor that, which means I can't do anything right now.
I keep wondering where his stuff is now and where he'll be staying, hoping that he's not burdened and hurting like I am. I'm beyond devastated. My support system is, as expected, completely and utterly shocked and disgusted by this situation (and him). And I actually don't even have any support system near me. They're all far away. I know how it looks. But I would be lying if I said I didn't want him back still. He was and is a wonderful man, despite this ugly goodbye.
I don't know when he'll reach out to have our conversation, but I'm still lost on how to take that.
At first, I was willing to beg him on my knees with tears dripping nonstop. Then I decided to start writing a long letter. Then I decided to make a list of business we have to take care of to go our separate ways. Then I always looped back to the fact that I just want to love him and be with him. I know I sound so incredibly pathetic, but I wish I can get a do-over to show him that I can be so good and that we can be so extremely happy together. I keep wishing I can turn back time and how cruel it is for time to pass this slowly. I blame myself a lot, while acknowledging that the end of this relationship is due to more than just my issues.
I guess I wanted to just get this off my chest.. sorry for the long post. I'll probably delete it after a few days...
I hope things get better and I get a clearer picture of what to do about our conversation. I love him so much and I wish that he still does too...
Also- I read some similar posts so to get ahead of some comments, I did reach out to my therapist and yes I do have a lot to work through. Not only digesting this situation, but also my self-work.
Thank you to everyone who made it this far..

Hello, I am currently on a waitlist for ASD.
However growing up I had a different story. When I was a young child I went through abuse of many kinds and did see traumatic things I was diagnosed with ADD in grade 2 which turned into ADHD,RAD of infancy/early childhood , anxiety behavioral exceptionality and an unspecified learning disorder. There was NO assessment done to rule out autism . I think the person who did this focused primarily on attachment and many behaviors were overlooked and non of my sensory issues were ever mentioned.
I was then undiagnosed from having a learning disorder and just a defect of processing a year later.
There were many behavioral concerns for me I was looking through my reports and this is something that was said….
a standardized measure completed by a child's teacher that provides a comprehensive overview of their student's competencies, behavioral problems, and emotional concerns. The information that Mr. _____ provided indicated that child was experiencing significant internalizing and externalizing difficulties. Symptoms relating to depression, social problems and thought problems were rated in the clinical range. Symptoms relating to anxiety, attention problems, and rule breaking behaviour were rated in the borderline clinical range. Mr. ______ reported that child often failed to finish things she started, had difficulty paying attention and often appeared to daydream or be in a fog. Mr. _____ reported that child struggled to follow directions and appeared to have difficulty learning. She produced little school work and what she did produce was often messy. She often failed to carry out assigned tasks. She was described as an underachieving student who was not working up to her full potential. She appeared withdrawn and did not get involved with others. She was described as unhappy, sad and depressed. Mr. ______ reported that child appeared to be poorly coordinated or clumsy. She often hung around peers who were either younger or older then her and she often acted too young for her age. It had been noted that she would rather be alone then with others. It was noted that she was not liked by other students. Mr.______ reported that Child was impulsive and acted without thinking. Conners' Teacher Rating Scale is a measure completed by a teacher that assesses children's difficulties with inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. The information that Mr. _______ provided, rated child in the clinical range for the following subscales; Cognitive Problems/Inattention, Anxiety, Social Problems, ADHD, Restless/Impulsive and Inattention. On this measure, Mr. ______ reported most of the same information as the Teacher's Report Form although he also reported that child appeared to forget things she had already learned. He stated that she would often avoid or had difficulty engaging in tasks that required sustained mental effort. She appeared to lack interest in schoolwork. Mr. ______ reported that child appeared to be unaccepted by others and was often the last one picked for teams or games.
It was also noted
Child reported that she needed some extra help at school academically. She felt that she was struggling with some of her subjects and with the fact that she was a very messy handwriter. When asked about her three wishes, child said that she would like another dog, would like adoptive parent leg to get better and woud like to have more friends or be able to see her friend ____ more often. Child talked about not having a lot of friends at school and how she was often bullied. She talked about the recent bullying activity and how the boys had thrown a chair at her and poured melon juice in her hair in front of the whole class. Child talked about how she has stolen money in the past to give to the people who were bullying her in hopes that they would stop.
Parent's View of Child/Family Needs: Adoptive parents reported that they were concerned for child’s future. They wanted her to be successful academically and socially at school. They expressed concern around interactions. They felt she did not have the ability to make or keep friends. She was often a victim of bullying at school. Adoptive parents felt that child struggled with boundary issues. They were concerned about her lying and stealing. Due to a family history of mental health concerns, adoptive parents felt that child should be assessed for possible mental health difficulties as well. School's View of Child/Family Needs: School personal were concerned with child’s ability to be successful academically and socially at school. They reported that she would rarely complete work and the work that she did complete was not at grade level. Child had been placed on an IEP, (Individual Educational Plan) although she was not IPRC'd(Identification, Placement and Review Process) at the time of this assessment. School personal were concerned with the level of difficulty that child had relating to her peers. She was often bullied at school. Behaviours such as lying and stealing also affected her peer relationships. School personal had made a referral to their psychologist. At the time of this assessment, child remained on the wait list.
The pyscholigest noted I had no attachment to my mom however I had been with my adoptive parents for 4 years at this point it’s also noted I had severe separation anxiety and had a fear of being alone and was very attached to my aunt(adoptive mom. I worry I was dismissed to avoid cost and time as well as for the fact I am a girl who had trauma and was adopted and the lack of information about my developmental milestones and also that in 2007 ADHD and Autism Were not able to be comorbed.
I now have been rediagnosed diagnosed with a learning disability, ADHD combination and developmental trauma as well as persistent depression.
Has any one else had an experience like this with possible misdiagnosis of RAD?
When I brought up my concerns to a psychiatrist 2 years ago they handed me a quiz and told me to self diagnose because there’s no point diagnosing an adult and that adults do not need accommodations so it wouldn’t benefit me anyway (even tho that isn’t true at all) I felt incredibly dismissed by that person.
I just recently went to my dr with my need to be assessed properly and she put in a referral and I’m really scared that I’m going to be turned down because of my previous diagnosis of RAD.
TLDR: who’s been misdiagnosed with reactive attachment disorderad or has both ASD and RAD? I would love to hear about your experience and what that was like if you had this experience.

This is going to be a long one, so please skip over if you're not interested in a novel lmao.
Relevant background: Ever since I was a preteen I developed extreme feelings for my romantic relationships. I would prioritize them over just about anything besides my grades. At 15 I got into a relationship with someone who didn't respect my boundaries and always said I was "controlling". I say "controlling" because my one rule was to not cheat. But this rule is very strict because it means no micro cheating, no porn, etc. eventually he broke this rule, and continued to break it repeatedly to the point where I developed some sort of trauma bond, BPD, Stockholm syndrome, etc. I'm overly positive it was BPD because I got diagnosed with bipolar temporarily because my psychiatrist said it was "too early" to diagnose borderline, but he said all of my symptoms were exact to borderline. Anyways, now we get onto the present.
My boyfriend (18 M) and I (17 F) met over Apex in late June of 2022. We immediately hit it off, presumably because he's very charming and persuasive. We immediately started dating a day in. Since we were long distance (Missouri for me, and Minnesota for him) we joked about meeting in person. We both immediately agreed and set to meet in early July. When we saw each other, he was SO sweet. He constantly complimented me, showed PDA everywhere we went, held all my things 24/7, surprised me with gifts every single day, etc. The only bad thing that happened is I had a guy on my Snapchat I met years ago who constantly pressured me into sending nudes. The main reason I didn't unadd him at first was because I thought he would expose me. So of course, my boyfriend found this and I admitted everything, showed him everything, and answered all questions. He talked to the guy on my Snapchat and he was blocked obviously. He was so unbelievably sweet and thoughtful. We ended up moving to Virginia together in August because that's where he was from and he had family there.
Within a week he had cheated on me with two girls (15 and 16yo) by sending and asking for nudes. He had a bunch of girls on his snap and would never let me go through anything but one night I had a feeling so obviously I searched. He admitted and said he "didn't know why" he did it, but kept saying he "wasn't trying to excuse" what he had done, but that it was the reason. It made sense to me, so I forgave him. Later on, I catch him cheating again in November of 2022 with the same 15 yo, and he says the same thing. Again, I believe him, and it makes sense. But this time, when I found out I was so angry and I screamed at him and he bit me and bruised me so hard it swelled. He continued cheated on me with different people throughout December and January because we thought we were breaking up. He continued being aggressive with me, but we lived with his mom so I could never scream or get away from him. Later on we moved back into our own apartment. We were perfect again, back to the same old sweetheart, except never as sweet as when we first met irl. He ended up cheated on me again. Same thing. Same aggression. And eventually we broke up for good.
When we broke up, we still lived together. He said he "cared" about me but this wasn't enough for my abandonment issues. I would always cry and beg him to stay. I tried for weeks to get him to just look at me the same. Eventually I gave up, and I found someone I liked, considering that he was already doing the same since he always bragged about it. We fought back and forth both being hypocritical of flirting with someone. But he kept getting more and more aggressive. He screamed at me, dragged me around, threw me, fake stabbed me, threatened to kill me, threw things at me, spit on me, etc. The few times he got extremely aggressive he would hold a knife up to me and say "I want you dead, I want to kill you, do you want to die?".
Eventually he kicked me out and I found an apartment a few doors down. He actually gave me this idea and supported me. He would constantly ask if I needed anything and would always try to help me even though I wanted nothing to do with him. I found another boy, since the first relationship didn't work out and we only hung out twice. The second boy was older and I genuinely didn't like him romantically but I wanted to at least give it a shot. He essentially just used me then spread rumors about me. My ex found out and started harassing me constantly, but switching back to being helpful and sweet even when I consistently told him I didn't want his help. I found a new boy that was my age and wasn't trying to use me. He was sweet, but not my type. My ex would again harass me and break into my house 3 times hoping to talk to me. I would ignore him but randomly give in because I felt bad he was always crying and begging for me. He would stalk me but I still loved him so I liked that he still wanted me. I kept trying to break things off with my current boyfriend because I didn't want to be a cheater. Eventually we did break up and me and my ex got back together.
The day we started dating again, he gets upset and I ask him what's wrong. He says that he actually let a girl move in with him and he's been cheating on her for weeks with me. I obviously get extremely angry and upset so I walk over there to tell her he's been cheating. I never want to be a homewrecker nor a cheater. She believes me since he admits, but he's such a sweet talker so she still loves him. He ends up cheating on me with her. It's just a mess. We eventually get into another argument about a girl, since he's had multiple sexual relationships over our break up, and I had the same amount. We're both hypocritical, both saying the same things. I eventually let go of these past things and try to move on with him, but he won't let go. We get into an argument one day that results in him chasing me and covering my mouth. Multiple neighbors hear my screaming and call the cops. They find me in the middle of the road at midnight crying and shaking. He sees the cop car and comes over, and tells the police everything, and gets arrested.
A no contact order is placed between us by the policeman. I didn't know how they worked, but I read in multiple articles that if I initiated contact, then he could talk back to me. So I talk to him over and over, and he ignores me. He gets out of jail and we meet within the first 48 hours. He's under watch at his mom's, so we meet secretly until eventually the no contact is removed. He tells me that he actually has contact with his ex in jail and told her multiple times to tell me things, but she had blocked me after I asked her to not talk to him. Another messy situation. His mom threatens to kill me, his ex calls me crazy, and he comes back and tells me how much he loves and missed me all this time. He continues to cheat, but instead with porn and not people.
We move back to Missouri where I was from, hoping that we could restart and get away from the past. We have an amazing relationship but he constantly uses my relationships over our break up against me. I'm not allowed to talk to most of my old male friends because they used to like me, were in love with me, etc. I don't know how to say humbly that most people I befriend eventually develop romantic feelings for me everywhere I go. I've never been able to fit in anywhere because I'm autistic, but I've always had people with crushes on me. I don't want to be narcissistic, but this is objective. I've tried making female and nonbinary friends as well, but they also develop romantic feelings for me. So I have no friends.
I'm writing this post specifically because my old friends that I've blocked on Instagram, Snapchat, etc. are contacting me through my phone number I had given them years ago. I got a new phone since then (same phone number) so when they reach out I tell my boyfriend. Who in effect gets extremely mad and aggressive, and makes me block them. He says that he doesn't like it because they'll "flirt" with me if they have the chance, and that we'll "fuck" even in public areas. He says he understands that I should have more freedom since I haven't cheated on him but that he can still feel uncomfortable about my friends. I completely understand this but I can't be isolated obviously. I've tried finding a middle ground where we're both upset but it at least fixes the issue, but every time I initiate he gets upset and starts screaming. I don't know what to do. For timing context he's now 20 and I'm ALMOST 20. AITA?
Update: I showed him this post to try and get his approval and anything he wanted to include. He got mad at me, called me crazy, and said "if you really need help from other people on our relationship then you're stupid".

Okay I know this might sound weird but I’m trying to move on after break up (it’s 2 months since I broke up with my exBPD F).
Since breaking up with my partner, I've had trouble watching movies and TV shows that feature female characters with Borderline Personality Disorder. I get anxious and feel a strange sense of panic. It brings back memories from my relationship. For example, watching the show "You," the character Love Quinn causes me a lot of anxiety. I'm not sure if her character is meant to depict someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, but she makes me very uneasy. I wanted to ask if anyone else feels this way and if it's normal to feel what I'm feeling.

Hi, I’m a 19 year old female who was just recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I’m at somewhat of a loss with myself at the moment. The diagnosis felt like such clarity and validation- exactly what I felt like I needed for so long but once that novelty wore off for me, I went back to being pessimistic and was comforted once again by my chronic doomsday mindset. It’s barely been two weeks and I’ve already lost another person in my life. For a little context I just went through a massive break up ending a two year long relationship, the brunt of it was most certainly my fault at the end of the day- it ended because of my emotional instability and how I was too difficult for him to handle. Since the break up, I’ve been losing people left and right- yes, some of it was circumstance based with the context of my relationship ending, but also generally people I met after my break up don’t stay in my life for very long. Despite being in DBT (this is a group dbt, difficult to address personal issues in this but I can’t afford individual therapy) and on medication, I’m struggling to identify exactly what I’m doing wrong that’s causing everyone to leave. The torture of having to get used to people walking in and out constantly is absolutely unmatched in my life. I look back at everything I’ve done and truly feel evil. I have lied so much, I thoroughly enjoy the act of starting arguments and being right, I want everybody no matter who they are to me to hurt as badly as I believe I do- that’s all at least what I feel, because I look at all of that and my brain says this isn’t true and I don’t truly want to hurt people, but I also feel a compulsion?? A high almost?? I don’t know. Nothing really feels like it’s working for me at the moment, I am at no risk to myself or others but I am most certainly drained. Is there anybody who has successfully conquered these who could offer a little advice on where to start with controlling those sort of compulsive feelings?? Or am I maybe looking at it in a way that isn’t correct. Please let me know!

THIS IS A VERY LONG READ. SORRY FOR TYPOS MAKE NOTE OF WHAT RESONATES WITH YOU!!!!!!
I am the dumper, I regret it. I am going to you a piece of advice. I don’t know why I give relationship advice, It amazes me I can’t take my own. I am NOT a doctor. I just find myself very aware in situations when people are expressing themselves. THIS HAS BEEN ASKED IN MY DMS. So now I post….
This is for the people who struggle to understand why a the relationship ended. I’ll make everything simple for the people who don’t understand(aka for “dummies”).
Also, I am bored and this could help someone have a better mindset. It gives you a better chance of why and what to fix and improve on to “change”. This will be extremely important to know or be aware of. This can help improve a longer lasting, increased stability and promote healthier communications for your future partner or ex. If you go back, that’s on you. So help yourself to take time to reflect and have a deeper understanding if you ever did. I do have Part 2 in mind of more reasons for a break up. I just didn’t want to make a post that was too overwhelming because this already is.
Here’s a few reasons for breaking up part one with examples, some are long then others

• The lack of communication.
• Incompatibility issues
• Past issues that went unnoticed
• Cheating
• Changed goals in relationship.
• Loss of emotion for partner(lost love for the person)
• Physically and emotionally abuse

LACK OF COMMUNICATION:

• Communication can have a big impact on the relationship
• Being open and honest with your partner improves a healthier relationship
• Being able to communicate effectively is healthy. If there is too many arguments. Doing research on leaning a new way to communicate is key
• Setting boundaries that are mutually beneficial
• You need to have trust in your partner so you don’t overthink and feel that they are going to cheat.
• Lack of communication within your relationship WILL effects your personal life
• VERY IMPORTANT!! This is the reasons for the end of relationships.

Example:
If this does not apply to you skip
Eve was asked to go out to the club with her bestfriend Sally and five other friends. Sally, is fun but she is definitely a crazy person and she loves to party. Eve told Adam with full integrity that would ONLY drink a few beers. Adam, is worried about Eve since it had been a long time she has drank anything l. Adam knows that she can get very confused if she drinks more than just a couple of beers. As Eve arrived at the club, she texted her boyfriend Adam she arrived. Adam and Eve make sure that they have random check ins just to give each other some sense of security. But as time went on….1,2,3,4 hours have passed and there’s not a single sight of Eve. Now, Adam has an issue, he doesn’t trust Eve.
INCOMPATIBILITY ISSUES * There are two main incompatibility problems in relationships. (There is more I am only writing two) * One, is lifestyle incompatibility * Two, is life value incompatibility * This in compatibility is noted more so in the beginning of the relationship. * A shift or change incompatibility let’s say a year into the relationship. There needs to be a balance in between both.
Example: If this does not apply to you skip
lifestyle: * person 1 in the relationship wants a more active lifestyle more frequently instead of causally going out. * liking outdoor activities, going on vacations, going out a lot, hiking etc. * Person 2 doesn’t like doing that. They are the “once in a while” for anything social wise * they may find joy in staying home, reading books, staying in, watching movies * If partner 1, has to communicate this to partner 2 in a very well thought discussion about making these changes. If person 2 does NOT agree. There will be major conflicts in the relationship feeling disconnected. * This is a little bit of a harder scenario to make it work. Person 1 and person 2 may struggle to meet “in the middle”. However it is doable with proper communication and understanding from both persons.
values * Person 1 in the relationship might want to focus more strictly on financial matters. * They may believe in going to university and having a career, try out a business, making money, working long hours, building wealth, fortune and success. However they CAN be extremely risky, and struggle financially * Person 2 has more family orientated goals, living life more balanced by planning * They may often want to plan their future, with children, house, cars, family vacations, spending time together. * Personally, this scenario is MUCH easier to communicate and work out. A lot of men prefer to be the provider in the relationship. While women are caretakers. This way you can get the best of both worlds. * However, there will be conflict when something goes wrong with person 1, they will be frustrating if in failure and will feel “helpless”. Person 2, won’t be able to fully understand the value that person 2 desires.
PAST ISSUES THAT WENT UNNOTICED:

• In a relationship, you have to make sure your partner feels heard.
• Do not push away, gaslight, to shift blame
• Constantly bringing up your partners past

Example: If this does not apply to you skip
Eve felt that her boyfriend Adam was not giving her enough attention. Adam was watching Noah’s Arc, Ice Age and Moana on Netflix all day. He was not interested in watching what Eve liked and told her to just go watch youtube. Eve told Adam “Hey, I was just wondering if we could do something else to compromise. Let’s say to the store”. Adam gave Eve a rude attitude and added “later we’ll go out, I don’t feel like going out right now”. Eve bursted into tears and ran to the bathroom, Adam noticed. He went to the bathroom and he apologized to her and said he would go out.
Two weeks later
The SAME exact scenario as above happened again, week after week. At some point Eve will feel resentful of Adam for other situations as well. Every time she feels an emotion she is withdrawn from him. Eve would eventually storm off mad, upset or angry because she never is able to compromising.
my favorite line is, “AN APOLOGY WITHOUT CHANGE IS MANIPULATION”
CHEATING

• This is pretty self explanatory….
• DO NOT BE AN ASS…… 😐
• EMOTIONALLY CHEATING.. IS cheating my friend. Even though it’s not as severe as physical. It still is harmful to the relationship.
• If you want to be with other people. DO NOT DO IT WHILE YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP. It is truly sickening.
• If cheating was a result of your relationship ending and you had gotten cheated on. I am so sorry that you went through that. Do not go back to this person. Loyalty and respect is what you need.
• If you are the cheater, LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF. Appreciate people for them instead of chasing…You know what… (both ways, all ways, and any way)
• Cheaters, please don’t expect your ex to be happy with the fact you are a cheater.

Examples of emotionally cheating: If this does not apply to you skip * Texting someone whom your person is not aware about that can be seen as not so friendly (opposite gender or NB). If your partner does not like it when you speak to the opposite sex or non-binary… that means don’t don’t do it * You should be able to text the opposite gender or non-binary in a complete CIVIL MANNER. Don’t be weird about it either. Most liars and cheaters get caught eventually. * Having a “bestie, westie” of the opposite gendenon-binary when they CLEARLY got some tension in between them. I personally think it’s OKAY if I am fully aware of the intentions. HOWEVER, you’ll never know someone’s true intentions. I haven’t had a case like that happen to me. So, can’t tell you from experience.
CHANGED GOALS OF RELATIONSHIP

• If you randomly decide one day, that you no longer find interests in a topic (let’s say traveling) and your partner really loves traveling. Use some critical thinking from understanding the importance of COMMUNICATING with your partner.
• Always make sure your partne ex partner are aware of the new changes you want to make by having a sit down discussion regarding your feelings and what you want.
• I keep hearting people say “What if I said yes instead to make he/she happy”.. If you guys had a heart to heart conversation/discussion. Your partners hopes and expectations need to be somewhere “meeting in the middle” and compromise.
• Don’t do a I should have.. NO, no more “shoulda, coulda, woulda” in these situations. If your partner didn’t give you an opportunity to understand. That definitely isn’t your fault.
• If they did communicate and absolutely do not agree with those changes fair

Example: If this doesn’t apply to you skip
Adam, has found a new interest in golfing with his friends. He plays golf 7 days a week for hours and maintains this while he is actively employed. Eve, is extremely overwhelmed with how much time Adam plays golf. He spends a lot of money, and has every little time for her. She becomes upset and finally catches Adam at a good time and explains her frustration. They spend a while discussing why this is affecting her and how they can compromise having fun and also giving her attention.
LOSS OF EMOTION (loosing love for your person)

• I didn’t say loosing feelings on purpose. It’s so easy to loose and gain feelings. I personally don’t think it should be critical for breaking up. But I see it as a “there’s something that needs to be done that I haven’t been doing.
• Losing love is huge, it takes a while to lose love for someone.
• If the dumper says they don’t love you “AT ALL” anymore after multiple years of being in a relationship… WEEKS after the break up….. they’re lying and lying to themselves.
• Of course over time, someone’s full love cannot disappear within weeks post BU after years. No human in their right mind can do that.
• If they can do that if I were you… be scared. I’d run. They got something else in their mind they are hiding under a mask. Once that mask is removed… they might just come back I would RUN

Example: If this doesn’t apply to you skip
Adam and Eve have been dating for 4 years. They have been having some issues with communication lately and it’s been a toll on the relationship. Adam and Eve both give reassurance to each other that they will work on their differences. After a while, Adam is unhappy because Eve said something that Adam took offense to. Adam’s got so angry he broke up with Eve saying he didn’t love her anymore. He also said he doesn’t want her to be in his life anymore.
Adam acted inappropriately to Eve. Now, she’s in distress because this should have been communicated properly.
—— . PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE:
(I have strong feelings about this one if you get your feelings hurt here, I apologize for that)

• Both are extremely harmful in relationship.
• Physical abuse, is self explanatory.
• Emotional abuse, happens more often than you think
• THIS IS A MULTI-GENDER THING… Anyone is capable of being emotionally abusive!!!!!
• This is where there’s a STRUGGLE where someone might have untreated personality disorders.
• DO NOT….. say someone has a personality disorder because they have “toxic tendencies”.
• If it’s an oops, moment and you said it randomly. You should apologize immediately. If you are not a certified professional. You shouldn’t be pointing fingers.
• If your ex says you have a personality disorder(such as narcissism, bipolar or psychopath). They are likely going to shift the blame and say it’s you(typical huh)
• If you took the time out of your day to get evaluated by a PROFESSIONAL (psychiatrist or doctor) and they confirm you do not.
• Take that as BIG SIGN that you may not what your ex partner said. Seek an evaluation before name calling.
• If you were instead diagnosed or placed in a mental hospital. Having panic attacks or c-ptsd or other related issues result of the actions of your ex partner. INSTEAD of a personality disorder.
• That ex partner might have something going on instead.
• Maybe they don’t have anything… maybe they do but if you are diagnosed somewhere around the lines of c-ptsd you are most likely A VICTIM.
• (Only to the people who’ve done this. If you haven’t ignore)But if you are THAT being rude about your ex on the internet telling people lies, adding that they are a narcissist or manipulative or bi-polar or something of that nature. Then they have been PROVEN that they are not….you are extremely selfish, you should apologize.
• If you chose not to take that step of getting evaluated. That’s up to you, you will not grow out of it. You need to start making healthier decisions and habits.
• (Also to the people who have done this, if you haven’t done this ignore ) What is up flexing of rebounds? WAY TOO many people have said this in my DMs. Immature. Immature. Don’t do it. Do yourself a favor and end that relationship focus on yourself.

Thanks for reading! Hope this helps someone. My next post will probably be part 2 of breakups. Comment if you want me to make sure it’s added.
Then about being accused or being the accuser of Mental Illness(Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality Narcissism and more). I AM NOT A DOCTOR. Just explaining the basics. I will also explain the terms of “gaslighting”, “manipulation”, and “toxic relationships” all of that.
Yes, I take my time and do this myself because I am bored. It also gives me insight on what I did wrong in my own relationship. I can learn from my own person situation by seeing how I might’ve been wrong. This is growth and self improvement. Whatever knowledge I know I’ll help share it publicly. If I get asked the same question a lot, I will post it so I don’t get repetitive. I am always willing to help. However, if you did need advice you can DM me but I can be harsh. I COULD tell you what you WANT to hear…..but being truthful, I may have to tell you what you NEED to hear. I do apologize if my thoughts are confusing. I apologize if you come into my DMS and I take a while to respond. What ever happens in our DMs stays there… But can get extremely busy, so just be patient

THIS IS A VERY LONG READ. SORRY FOR TYPOS MAKE NOTE OF WHAT RESONATES WITH YOU!!!!!!
I am the dumper, I regret it. I am going to you a piece of advice. I don’t know why I give relationship advice, It amazes me I can’t take my own. I am NOT a doctor. I just find myself very aware in situations when people are expressing themselves. THIS HAS BEEN ASKED IN MY DMS. So now I post….
This is for the people who struggle to understand why a the relationship ended. I’ll make everything simple for the people who don’t understand(aka for “dummies”).
Also, I am bored and this could help someone have a better mindset. It gives you a better chance of why and what to fix and improve on to “change”. This will be extremely important to know or be aware of. This can help improve a longer lasting, increased stability and promote healthier communications for your future partner or ex. If you go back, that’s on you. So help yourself to take time to reflect and have a deeper understanding if you ever did. I do have Part 2 in mind of more reasons for a break up. I just didn’t want to make a post that was too overwhelming because this already is.
Here’s a few reasons for breaking up part one with examples, some are long then others

• The lack of communication.
• Incompatibility issues
• Past issues that went unnoticed
• Cheating
• Changed goals in relationship.
• Loss of emotion for partner(lost love for the person)
• Physically and emotionally abuse

LACK OF COMMUNICATION:

• Communication can have a big impact on the relationship
• Being open and honest with your partner improves a healthier relationship
• Being able to communicate effectively is healthy. If there is too many arguments. Doing research on leaning a new way to communicate is key
• Setting boundaries that are mutually beneficial
• You need to have trust in your partner so you don’t overthink and feel that they are going to cheat.
• Lack of communication within your relationship WILL effects your personal life
• VERY IMPORTANT!! This is the reasons for the end of relationships.

Example:
If this does not apply to you skip
Eve was asked to go out to the club with her bestfriend Sally and five other friends. Sally, is fun but she is definitely a crazy person and she loves to party. Eve told Adam with full integrity that would ONLY drink a few beers. Adam, is worried about Eve since it had been a long time she has drank anything l. Adam knows that she can get very confused if she drinks more than just a couple of beers. As Eve arrived at the club, she texted her boyfriend Adam she arrived. Adam and Eve make sure that they have random check ins just to give each other some sense of security. But as time went on….1,2,3,4 hours have passed and there’s not a single sight of Eve. Now, Adam has an issue, he doesn’t trust Eve.
INCOMPATIBILITY ISSUES * There are two main incompatibility problems in relationships. (There is more I am only writing two) * One, is lifestyle incompatibility * Two, is life value incompatibility * This in compatibility is noted more so in the beginning of the relationship. * A shift or change incompatibility let’s say a year into the relationship. There needs to be a balance in between both.
Example: If this does not apply to you skip
lifestyle: * person 1 in the relationship wants a more active lifestyle more frequently instead of causally going out. * liking outdoor activities, going on vacations, going out a lot, hiking etc. * Person 2 doesn’t like doing that. They are the “once in a while” for anything social wise * they may find joy in staying home, reading books, staying in, watching movies * If partner 1, has to communicate this to partner 2 in a very well thought discussion about making these changes. If person 2 does NOT agree. There will be major conflicts in the relationship feeling disconnected. * This is a little bit of a harder scenario to make it work. Person 1 and person 2 may struggle to meet “in the middle”. However it is doable with proper communication and understanding from both persons.
values * Person 1 in the relationship might want to focus more strictly on financial matters. * They may believe in going to university and having a career, try out a business, making money, working long hours, building wealth, fortune and success. However they CAN be extremely risky, and struggle financially * Person 2 has more family orientated goals, living life more balanced by planning * They may often want to plan their future, with children, house, cars, family vacations, spending time together. * Personally, this scenario is MUCH easier to communicate and work out. A lot of men prefer to be the provider in the relationship. While women are caretakers. This way you can get the best of both worlds. * However, there will be conflict when something goes wrong with person 1, they will be frustrating if in failure and will feel “helpless”. Person 2, won’t be able to fully understand the value that person 2 desires.
PAST ISSUES THAT WENT UNNOTICED:

• In a relationship, you have to make sure your partner feels heard.
• Do not push away, gaslight, to shift blame
• Constantly bringing up your partners past

Example: If this does not apply to you skip
Eve felt that her boyfriend Adam was not giving her enough attention. Adam was watching Noah’s Arc, Ice Age and Moana on Netflix all day. He was not interested in watching what Eve liked and told her to just go watch youtube. Eve told Adam “Hey, I was just wondering if we could do something else to compromise. Let’s say to the store”. Adam gave Eve a rude attitude and added “later we’ll go out, I don’t feel like going out right now”. Eve bursted into tears and ran to the bathroom, Adam noticed. He went to the bathroom and he apologized to her and said he would go out.
Two weeks later
The SAME exact scenario as above happened again, week after week. At some point Eve will feel resentful of Adam for other situations as well. Every time she feels an emotion she is withdrawn from him. Eve would eventually storm off mad, upset or angry because she never is able to compromising.
my favorite line is, “AN APOLOGY WITHOUT CHANGE IS MANIPULATION”
CHEATING

• This is pretty self explanatory….
• DO NOT BE AN ASS…… 😐
• EMOTIONALLY CHEATING.. IS cheating my friend. Even though it’s not as severe as physical. It still is harmful to the relationship.
• If you want to be with other people. DO NOT DO IT WHILE YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP. It is truly sickening.
• If cheating was a result of your relationship ending and you had gotten cheated on. I am so sorry that you went through that. Do not go back to this person. Loyalty and respect is what you need.
• If you are the cheater, LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF. Appreciate people for them instead of chasing…You know what… (both ways, all ways, and any way)
• Cheaters, please don’t expect your ex to be happy with the fact you are a cheater.

Examples of emotionally cheating: If this does not apply to you skip * Texting someone whom your person is not aware about that can be seen as not so friendly (opposite gender or NB). If your partner does not like it when you speak to the opposite sex or non-binary… that means don’t don’t do it * You should be able to text the opposite gender or non-binary in a complete CIVIL MANNER. Don’t be weird about it either. Most liars and cheaters get caught eventually. * Having a “bestie, westie” of the opposite gendenon-binary when they CLEARLY got some tension in between them. I personally think it’s OKAY if I am fully aware of the intentions. HOWEVER, you’ll never know someone’s true intentions. I haven’t had a case like that happen to me. So, can’t tell you from experience.
CHANGED GOALS OF RELATIONSHIP

• If you randomly decide one day, that you no longer find interests in a topic (let’s say traveling) and your partner really loves traveling. Use some critical thinking from understanding the importance of COMMUNICATING with your partner.
• Always make sure your partne ex partner are aware of the new changes you want to make by having a sit down discussion regarding your feelings and what you want.
• I keep hearting people say “What if I said yes instead to make he/she happy”.. If you guys had a heart to heart conversation/discussion. Your partners hopes and expectations need to be somewhere “meeting in the middle” and compromise.
• Don’t do a I should have.. NO, no more “shoulda, coulda, woulda” in these situations. If your partner didn’t give you an opportunity to understand. That definitely isn’t your fault.
• If they did communicate and absolutely do not agree with those changes fair

Example: If this doesn’t apply to you skip
Adam, has found a new interest in golfing with his friends. He plays golf 7 days a week for hours and maintains this while he is actively employed. Eve, is extremely overwhelmed with how much time Adam plays golf. He spends a lot of money, and has every little time for her. She becomes upset and finally catches Adam at a good time and explains her frustration. They spend a while discussing why this is affecting her and how they can compromise having fun and also giving her attention.
LOSS OF EMOTION (loosing love for your person)

• I didn’t say loosing feelings on purpose. It’s so easy to loose and gain feelings. I personally don’t think it should be critical for breaking up. But I see it as a “there’s something that needs to be done that I haven’t been doing.
• Losing love is huge, it takes a while to lose love for someone.
• If the dumper says they don’t love you “AT ALL” anymore after multiple years of being in a relationship… WEEKS after the break up….. they’re lying and lying to themselves.
• Of course over time, someone’s full love cannot disappear within weeks post BU after years. No human in their right mind can do that.
• If they can do that if I were you… be scared. I’d run. They got something else in their mind they are hiding under a mask. Once that mask is removed… they might just come back I would RUN

Example: If this doesn’t apply to you skip
Adam and Eve have been dating for 4 years. They have been having some issues with communication lately and it’s been a toll on the relationship. Adam and Eve both give reassurance to each other that they will work on their differences. After a while, Adam is unhappy because Eve said something that Adam took offense to. Adam’s got so angry he broke up with Eve saying he didn’t love her anymore. He also said he doesn’t want her to be in his life anymore.
Adam acted inappropriately to Eve. Now, she’s in distress because this should have been communicated properly.
—— . PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE:
(I have strong feelings about this one if you get your feelings hurt here, I apologize for that)

• Both are extremely harmful in relationship.
• Physical abuse, is self explanatory.
• Emotional abuse, happens more often than you think
• THIS IS A MULTI-GENDER THING… Anyone is capable of being emotionally abusive!!!!!
• This is where there’s a STRUGGLE where someone might have untreated personality disorders.
• DO NOT….. say someone has a personality disorder because they have “toxic tendencies”.
• If it’s an oops, moment and you said it randomly. You should apologize immediately. If you are not a certified professional. You shouldn’t be pointing fingers.
• If your ex says you have a personality disorder(such as narcissism, bipolar or psychopath). They are likely going to shift the blame and say it’s you(typical huh)
• If you took the time out of your day to get evaluated by a PROFESSIONAL (psychiatrist or doctor) and they confirm you do not.
• Take that as BIG SIGN that you may not what your ex partner said. Seek an evaluation before name calling.
• If you were instead diagnosed or placed in a mental hospital. Having panic attacks or c-ptsd or other related issues result of the actions of your ex partner. INSTEAD of a personality disorder.
• That ex partner might have something going on instead.
• Maybe they don’t have anything… maybe they do but if you are diagnosed somewhere around the lines of c-ptsd you are most likely A VICTIM.
• (Only to the people who’ve done this. If you haven’t ignore)But if you are THAT being rude about your ex on the internet telling people lies, adding that they are a narcissist or manipulative or bi-polar or something of that nature. Then they have been PROVEN that they are not….you are extremely selfish, you should apologize.
• If you chose not to take that step of getting evaluated. That’s up to you, you will not grow out of it. You need to start making healthier decisions and habits.
• (Also to the people who have done this, if you haven’t done this ignore ) What is up flexing of rebounds? WAY TOO many people have said this in my DMs. Immature. Immature. Don’t do it. Do yourself a favor and end that relationship focus on yourself.

Thanks for reading! Hope this helps someone. My next post will probably be part 2 of breakups. Comment if you want me to make sure it’s added.
Then about being accused or being the accuser of Mental Illness(Bi-Polar, Borderline Personality Narcissism and more). I AM NOT A DOCTOR. Just explaining the basics. I will also explain the terms of “gaslighting”, “manipulation”, and “toxic relationships” all of that.
Yes, I take my time and do this myself because I am bored. It also gives me insight on what I did wrong in my own relationship. I can learn from my own person situation by seeing how I might’ve been wrong. This is growth and self improvement. Whatever knowledge I know I’ll help share it publicly. If I get asked the same question a lot, I will post it so I don’t get repetitive. I am always willing to help. However, if you did need advice you can DM me but I can be harsh. I COULD tell you what you WANT to hear…..but being truthful, I may have to tell you what you NEED to hear. I do apologize if my thoughts are confusing. I apologize if you come into my DMS and I take a while to respond. What ever happens in our DMs stays there… But can get extremely busy, so just be patient

I’ve had these feelings ever since she’s opened up about her relationship months ago and has told me about it and asked for help. Her boyfriend is a terrible dude who has mistreated her and has borderline cheated on her multiple times. Yet she’s still with him. She’s called crying to me about him multiple times and all these other things, and idk if that’s where my feelings have come from or if I genuinely like her but I know she makes me happy and I love talking to her but I also just feel bad for her and idk if liking her makes me a bad person or if I’m just an idiot and have fallen for her cause she’s nice. I hate having these feelings because it’s not like I’d ever act on them or ever be able too and she’s just all I think about, when I even just talk to her I get happier and it’s like I’ve mentally beat myself up for just thinking that way and it’s taken a toll on me recently. A lot of my friends have told me that just seeing how she acts around me that she likes me and I genuinely don’t know what to say I don’t believe them but all I know is it’s been multiple people and it’s all really been a mental struggle recently that’s hurt me and have kept me awake and idk what to do.

so i‘m (23F) got in a fight with my date of 10 days (27M) because of the question if he is fully comfortable with me dating other people?
He got really defensive by that and started assuming i WANT to date other people, since he‘s afraid i will cheat on him. on what i responded that i myself have fears of not being enough for someone, as he shared the same thoughts, and he will end up dating someone else as well. kind of a security, plan B, if i get dumped by him. we talked about our intentions for about 2 minutes total, where he just said, that he is afraid to go all the way in and he is not ready to move that fast.
so back to the fight: we were going back and forth about me putting him on such, yes, ultimatum spot, where i put lots of pressure on him by asking it and make him feel something he wanted to develop slowly, as he mentioned that he cant „jump all the way in“ and that my question overstepped this boundary ( quote: he can not discuss such existential questions), which wasnt even mentioned before in our 2 minutes conversation .
after we came to the conclusion that we end this relationship TWICE and he was paddling back about being ready to work on his fears i kind of loosen up my attention and mindfulness about borderlines (i have diagnosis myself), so i called him „borderline pookie“ when things were going to „be fine again“. and after it he literally just snapped and said i disrespected, belittled him because of his diagnosis and by this implied that his feelings aren’t valid, he‘s a human being who cant control his emotions (all of this he said himself, i tried to be careful for these 2 days of this fight).
so am i the asshole for calling him borderline pookie and was i pushy with the question????

I’m not diagnosed with borderline and I very much need to go to therapy, but I haven’t been able to yet. But I kind of self-diagnosed myself with it and just want to know what other people think. I believe I have borderline and I’m just very self-aware. My emotions are all over the place and I react strongly to everything.
I am in an almost 4 year relationship, which started amazing in the beginning. My partner would do things that I would react to normally in a small way and be over it a little after. But I started to get more bothered by those small things and I would completely shut off and push her away and want nothing to do with her. It’s got worse over time. I get very triggered when she wants to leave usually with her family because that’s kind of the only place she goes other than work. And for some reason, I don’t get triggered when she goes to work. I get sad when she tells me she plans to leave somewhere. And then when she does leave, I completely shut off from the whole world. I cry a lot of the time and I can’t get out of bed and continue my life. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to shower. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to rot in bed. It makes me feel a lot of pain and after I feel completely exhausted. And when I get out of these, which I believe are episodes. A lot of the time I’m confused about the things I said and felt because after I’m out, I don’t agree with any of it. I don’t get why I did it. Sometimes I don’t even remember. My partner points out that some of the time I say things and then when I’m out of the episode, I say other things and it confuses her. I noticed change is a big trigger for me as well. Like when she has her little sister over she’ll eat and watch TV with her sister in the living room. And we have a routine of eating in our room and watching TV together and it changes. And that really bothers me causing me to get triggered. Or when she makes plans to leave somewhere and then changes them or leaves somewhere last minute.
This all gets very exhausting because it causes a lot of problems in the relationship. But I understand that I’m the cause of a lot of the problems. That me getting triggered by something small she did wasn’t her fault. It was my fault because my mind made it more than it was or my mind caused a problem out of something that isn’t even a problem. I read somewhere someone saying that their bpd is not an excuse for their actions but is an explanation and I completely agree with that. I feel like it’s an explanation for why I am the way I am and react the way I do to things. But the bpd is not an excuse. Because when I split and rudely tell her to leave me alone, that’s not right. I feel like I can’t control how I react to some things because it just happens and I don’t mean to. But that doesn’t make it ok and I do apologize after every time I feel like I have to. I have times when I know or think I didn’t cause problems or like it wasn’t my fault that time and I express that to her. I try to always take accountability for my actions. Even if it’s something small because I know it’s affecting her..

Fp and I are both guys. We met at work several months ago. I helped him with some tasks and he just seemed instantly drawn to me after that. He’s super kind and helpful and he gives me a lot of compliments. Plus he’s opened up to me about some personal issues and I feel honored that he trusted me with that information. I fell in love with him pretty quickly. Here’s the thing: he’s straight and he has a girlfriend. I’ve tried to keep my distance but a few times he’s been really affectionate with me (hugging for 30+ seconds, holding hands, resting his hand on my shoulder) and it confuses the fuck out of me. Like I’m glad straight guys are starting to break down the stigma of being affectionate with their friends, but at the same time it hurts my feelings knowing he doesn’t mean anything by it. I just talked to my “mom friend” who I go to for advice, they don’t really understand BPD but they said it sounds like I’m “doing [my] thing where [I] imprint on people.” And that’s when it hit me, that I’m letting my BPD traits take over again even after I thought I was better. I’ve been neglecting my self-care routine, literally doing the very bare minimum at work, and letting my other relationships fall apart. I’ve been on dating apps trying to distract myself but I just went on a first date a few days ago and this guy was very abrasive, macho, very much the opposite of my fp and when I saw my fp at work the next day, his soft and beautiful voice was like music to my ears after that date, he is such a sweet and lovely guy and it is painful to know he’ll probably never love me like I love him. His girlfriend picked him up that night and I feel so guilty but I felt a rush of anger and jealousy. I wonder if he knows how I feel about him but I really hope he doesn’t. I just want to get over him and be satisfied with anyone who isn’t him. I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but our friendship is painful for me. Does anyone have advice??
Edit: I also just found out my therapist is not going to be working with me anymore after this summer and that is tearing me apart. She’s been helping me get my shit together since 2021, helped me treat my borderline traits, and I feel like seeing her every week has become a staple in my general well-being. I don’t know if I’ll find another therapist quite like her. So… I’m quite an emotional wreck right now. I just need all the support I can get.

My girlfriend and I have been dating since high school. We recently had to do long distance for about a year, and things weren’t always smooth sailing. However, I'm 100% sure she's been loyal to me the entire time. Recently, she went on a vacation with her family—a two-month trip. One month into her trip, she claims our values don’t align anymore. *I am not the kind of person she wants in her future.* She wants to travel, live her life, and not get married or have kids. I assured her we can work on this, but she won't budge. We've started talking again, and things are borderline romantic. We discuss feelings and the future, but she often says things like "love isn't everything" or "I wanna stay with you, but we might not have a future." I love her, but I'm starting to think I might be delusional, although I believe she has real feelings too. Should I keep trying, or is it such a big deal? We're both under 24, so we're changing daily. I'm not sure if she's even considering working it out; she just wants to stay in a relationship "for now." It's kind of torturous sometimes. Should I break up and give up?
**TL;DR; : Is it worth fighting for? is this a fixable problem?Is it just a reaction of vacation? **.

When I met him, it was like the universe had finally given me a taste of what true love feels like. As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I'd never felt this deep, profound happiness before. He has ADHD, and together, we found a unique rhythm that worked for us. We understood each other in ways that felt almost magical. He became my favorite person in the world, a compilation of all the qualities I admired, that I get amazed how only one person can possess. He made me feel like I was the center of his universe, and I fell deeply, irrevocably in love.We enjoyed every bit of each other's company that we wish to relive those moments. Everytime I see him, I still get butterflies, like I saw him for the first time.
Yet, our relationship has its challenges. My BPD often makes it difficult to regulate my emotions, especially during disagreements. When conflicts arise, I find myself jumping to the extreme—thinking about breaking up. We break up two or three times a month, a cycle that's as exhausting as it sounds. On his end, he doesn’t fight. He doesn't even say what the problems with me have. With me, he only has only problem that I conclude to breakup instantly. He asks me to fight but not breaking up. He stonewalls. during conflicts, walks away, avoids the conversation entirely, and expects things to resolve themselves. He believes I will eventually understand and calm down without him having to pacify me, which leaves me feeling anxious and abandoned. Sometimes, it drives me to the brink of despair, even to thoughts of ending my life.
He’s a better version of himself since we met, always trying to improve whenever I voice concerns. But this one thing never changes. When I share my problems, he walks away. He doesn't respond when I say I'm anxious or feeling suicidal. He doesn't follow up to see if I'm okay. He avoids discussing the challenges his ADHD presents, leaving me feeling like I'm carrying the emotional burden alone. I wonder if I am really dying , leave a note to him, ask for a help and he responds it the same day. It crashes me in many ways and makes me wonder if love can be brutal in some cases.
I want to cherish him forever but I'm fatigued now. This pattern is taking a huge toll on my mental health and his as well. I’ve decided to move on, to finally break things off. It will be incredibly difficult for both of us, but I believe it’s better to cry once and move on than to cry every ten days. The constant breaking up and reconciling feels like punishing both him and myself repeatedly, and it’s not fair. I realised that Love is not enough to sustain a relationship.
I've made up my mind, but I still wonder—are these behaviors of avoiding tough conversations and shutting down common in ADHD, or is there something more at play? I wish If I were not a BPD, we could be one of the happiest couple in the entire world.
This is my story, and I'm sharing it in hopes that others might understand the complexities of relationships where mental health plays a significant role, no matter how much you love someone.

Hi everyone,
I need to get something off my chest and hope that some of you might relate or have some advice. I’ve been feeling really off lately. I’ve been struggling with a lot of negative thoughts and feel like I’m stuck.
One of the things that’s been bothering me the most is that I recently ‘split’ on my therapist. She’s truly my favorite person and has helped me a lot, but during our last session, I reacted really strongly to something she said. I felt so hurt and angry, even though I now realize it didn’t really make sense.
I know this is probably related to my own issues and that it’s not fair to her, but it’s so hard to feel that in the moment. I don’t want to lose her as my therapist, but I’m also ashamed of my reaction and afraid it might have damaged our relationship.
Additionally, my therapist and psychiatrist are working on diagnostics to figure out what’s going on with me. It’s been suggested that I likely have bipolar disorder in addition to borderline personality disorder. This makes me switch from stable to unstable a lot lately, making it even harder to handle my emotions.
Has anyone else experienced something similar? How do you deal with such intense emotions and reactions? And how should I approach this in my next session?
Thanks in advance for reading and for any responses.

Even if you're planting the seeds in hope to blossom later down the line for someone, that counts too.
One of the most aggravating themes in my life is that by the time I finally gather enough confidence to tell someone how much I feel for them - they're already long taken. If they aren't long taken, then their sights are already set on someone else and you have to sit there to watch it all unfold in what little chance you have in hopes you'll be next if it doesn't work.
Because nowadays, there's at least 4 people who I feel I could already be dating by now, but I sat on the sidelines for so long that I have no hopes in ever being with them. I'm talking friends who I'm still friends with and that's fine, but in the early days of our high school tenure, there could've been a chance or two that I'd have with some of them. If only I had just not been wasting my time with people I simply didn't mesh with. I could've just parted ways and go to sit down with someone I actually was interested in, let them know how I feel about them and let them decide whether or not it's going to continue.
And even besides those 4 potentials, there's been instances where I had to have been with someone who I think I can mesh well with. But then I wasn't sure and I enter this dumb indecisive phase with myself about them that goes up and down, waiting for hints. Then when I'm ready - they're taken.
So word of advice again, if there's someone you truly think you want to be with or believe you'll want them for a fulfilling relationship. Let them know. Don't make it awkward but let them know and let them know why so it doesn't come off as a possession, obsessive and borderline stalker thing.
Otherwise, you can expect to feel regret down the road.

Hi everyone,
Should I:
Start looking for a new therapist who can provide more consistent support?
Continue with my current therapist given they offer to reschedule the appointment asap which usually falls on their day off?
Continue with my current therapist while exploring other options to ensure I don’t have a gap in my therapy sessions?
[Contenxt] First off - I'm assuming a cancellation rate of 33% is high and I'm relatively new to therapy and this current run is the longest I've been on. I'm looking for some advice on whether I should find a new therapist or stick with my current one. Here's the situation:
I've been seeing my therapist for about 9 sessions now, but she has a 33% cancellation rate. Also, the T cancels at the start of the session, which is very poor form as a professional in my opinion. While I understand that emergencies happen this pattern is becoming a concern for me.
Here’s a bit more context:
I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD and possibly either bipolar or borderline personality disorder (I'll confirm at my next psychiatrist appt). My psychiatrist recommended increasing the frequency of my therapy sessions from bi weekly to weekly to better manage my symptoms. I’ve already invested time in building a relationship with my current therapist, and they have a good understanding of my history and issues. However, the inconsistency is making it difficult for me to make steady progress. Given my current needs, reliable and consistent support is crucial.
I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences with similar situations. Thanks for your advice

So I just injected my first dose today - 2.5 mg - and I don't know what I was expecting but I literally forgot to eat for the rest of the day. I decided I had better have dinner but I got really bad tremors whilst I was cooking so I had to have a smoothie to stabilize myself.
I want to repeat; I forgot to eat! And I need you to understand how big a deal that is.
So I'm 250lbs and I've yo-yoed all my life. I am done with dieting and have spent the last 5 years repairing my relationship with food. I have done every diet there is - I'm a very successful dieter - and I always put it back on. My genetic make-up is some sort of east European peasantry, preparing for the next wafamine. I have tried intuitive eating and I've made massive progress but the food 'noise' is always always in my head. The only reason I'm trying this is because I need surgery and when I had some checks they found all my tests were "borderline" and I want to be in the best health I can for my surgery. I have never ever ever forgotten to eat before in my life.