Hawaiian sayings about life

Not much to say here since I wanted to see what happened with the Weaver. Enjoy!
Ch. 21

• Oh how creepy is this…door shutting, handle gone, and the Weaver softly saying “who's in my house?”
  
• Holy shit why does she look like that?! Don't tease me with the young body but then have The Ring girl’s face attached to it. She's definitely a double bagger, absolutely terrifying.
  
• Omg Feyre, you go scorched earth and set fire to the entire cottage with a candle instead of using your flamethrower ability with your hands and torch the Weaver. SMH
  
• Escape through the chimney though, that's smart. This girl has some bright moments
  
• Wait, is the Weaver cooking faeries?! And is she weaving their entrails or flesh or something??? I mean, on the one hand that's just plain gross, but on the other, why don't you just weave you a new face???
  
• Isn't Feyre like super strong now? Why doesn't she just punch through the chimney?
  
• Weaver is gaining, please feel free to use your mind bullets at any time now Feyre. Also, feel free to step in at any time Rhys and help out lol
  
• Oh wow, the Weaver made her house of out of the bodies of her victims, this is the stuff of nightmares
  
• “What the hell did you do?” LOL Rhys just chilling on a tree, winnow the fuck out plz and ty
  
• Dude Amren can just vanish vomit? I think my question about fae plumbing has now been answered!
  
• So the ring was just a memento from his mom? Makes sense
  
• Thank you Feyre for finally coming to your senses and wanting to learn how to fight and how to use your abilities. It only took almost dying again to realize it
  
• Oooh diving into Rhysand's pensive! Let's see what he shows Feyre
  
• Damn, Ianthe wants some High Lord D!
  
• Oh interesting, so Ianthe does have ulterior motives…this is like some bene gesserit scheming going on. At least Rhys knows not to stick his dick in crazy. Much respect, he's channeling that Lucien energy again!
  
• Very cool developments!
  

Ch. 22

• Oooh some Mor backstory, thank you mommy
  
• Damn so faeries are just as petty as humans when it comes to selling off their daughters…BRUTAL
  
• Good guy Cassian always coming to the rescue, this guy chads
  
• Oooh Feyre chose Azriel to carry her, Cassian and Rhysand are like wtf
  
• Oh nice they're in the mortal lands now.
  
• Quick side bar: what's Tammy been doing all this time? Is there any palace left? I'm assuming it's rubble from all of his tantrums of losing Feyre. Or maybe he's going through all the bureaucratic faerie red tape to demand an audience with the night court. I'm surprised Lucien hasn't tried to make contact, but I'm guessing he thinks this is for Feyre’s benefit.
  

Ch. 23

• Oh shit it's Elain and Nesta! This must feel surreal for Feyre
  
• Damn Nesta is cold-blooded. No sympathy for Feyre at all
  
• Why doesn't Feyre just explain that they'll glamour everyone and ward their house so no one knows that the faeries will be in their town?
  
• I'm wondering if Nesta is jealous at all with Feyre. I bet she's waiting for some high fae to sweep her off her feet the way she talks to Feyre about bouncing from court to court
  
• Nice! No time to waste, let's get the meeting started
  

Ch. 24

• Oh interesting Feyre's last name is Archeron? Hmmm….Cursebreaker sounds better
  
• Also, is this meeting turning into a triple date???
  
• Lol Azriel doesn't want to be here at all
  
• Dinner too??? They just need to pair off now
  
• I'm sure there's meaning behind where everyone sits at a feast, but I'm ignorant to all that decorum.
  
• Cassian sitting next to Elain though, the first move has been made!
  
• Interesting, so human food doesn't taste good at all to fae? How is it different?
  
• “I can eat, drink, fuck, and fight just as well as I did before. Better, even.” THE SHADE. Cassian choking on his water in response is hilarious
  
• Hahaha Cassian found his lover, he's sizing Nesta up and she's having none of it.
  
• Lol she's not even acknowledging him, this bro is in love.
  
• OH SHIT Elain mentioning Clare Beddor and both her murderers are in the house! And Rhys is just keeping his head down eating shit food lol. Peak awkwardness.
  
• Bro…Cassian is straight up imprinting on Nesta right now. He wants that mating bond BAD.
  
• Just two rooms? I bet Rhys and Feyre get the room with just one bed.
  
• LOL Rhys just side steps the awkwardness with his multi-dimensional closet, that's super handy
  
• “Nesta is a delight, by the way.” Bahaha I think deep down in his heart of hearts he knows Nesta has a hold on Cassian and he’ll be seeing a lot more of her
  
• Lol they're talking wages now? And they have banks??? Lines of credit? What's the APR on that Velaris Platinum card?
  
• Awww Rhys is butt hurt that he missed Feyre's birthday…I'm sure he'll make up for it somehow. Maybe his mother's ring???
  
• “My money's on Nesta…So’s mine.” LOL put me down for a dime on Nesta as well
  

Ch. 25

• FINALLY some element bending training.
  
• Feyre wants to train in private because Rhys is a distraction? Lol if that doesn't scream I'm into you I don't know what is
  
• “You could try rubbing it on certain body parts and I might come faster.” Hahahaha bro why don't Rhys and Lucien get along? These guys have the same snarkiness
  
• Oh cool, some inter-dimensional pen writing, NBD
  
• “I'm watching Cassian and Nesta get into it again over their tea.” lol can we get a chapter on this interaction? That sounds better than reading about Feyre staring at a candle for an hour and not asking for help
  
• “Life is better when you're around.” I mean, how long is this little Do-Si-Do between them gonna last? Just kith already
  
• OH SHIT it's the Attor!
  

These recent cliff hangers have been great so far! Let's hope Feyre taps into her abilities and freezes the Attor’s nuts off. Thanks for reading!

My ex and I broke up a while ago. He has drifted in an out of my life and left out the fact he was a) in a relationship with his new girlfriend b) living with his new girlfriend while I was unsuspecting and still attempting to be friendly. Then he at several points made it sound like they had broken up- but didn't flat out say it. And made it sound like there were still feelings- but wouldn't flat out say it. When I found out she was still in the picture- I cut off all contact.
He is the master of treading the line between not cheating, and actually cheating. He always comes back or reaches out, I have blocked him since this all has been going on.
Well, I ran into both of them at a club. I was there with other people. He said hello and I just ignored him. His girlfriend was shooting daggers at me the entire time, and I just decided to stay having a good time.
He approached me trying to start talking again, I again dodged him. Went came back and again he cornered me. I said to leave me alone I didn't want to talk, had no interest in it.
His girlfriend came over and started going off on me saying that I need to leave him alone he is over me and I was pathetic for "holding on". I said all I'm doing is trying to get rid of your boyfriend.
An argument ensued, and here's where I may be the asshole. I know (from what my ex has told me in the past and also usernames he uses) that his girlfriend is bi-sexual (nothing wrong with this I myself have leanings) and that he puts "cuck" in most of his usernames- I did the math, so before I could think about potentially offending I said "Why don't you both get cucked, oh, wait, you already did." She went BEET red.
Turned on my heels and left. My 4 friends who had come to my aid were mostly supportive but one, A, feels that my use of "cuck" some how slams her being LGBTQ (??)... I said that wasn't my intent. More of pointing out that he emotionally cheats and she has supposedly physically cheated before and that is their dynamic. Plus it was a fucking laughable dig in the light of day-
Now I'm not tipsy and a little more clear AITAH?

Sorry for the long paragraph. I don't know which community is right. I am new here.
just to give you a bit of background, yes I changed it a little,
I would appreciate it if any of you take the time to read it. it took a lot to share my problems.
So, um when I was in class 8. We have a board exam that year. So I kinda started my year with a banger. I was studying more attentively. I was being more present in class. I was answering questions. I never answer unless the teacher picks me, which rarely happens. I am a good student. This makes me a bit arrogant, cuz if I got such decent results by not even properly studying, I don't need to stress. So yeah. My year was going super good. And boom covid fucking started. And even tho I was super studying. I am way too lazy too. Now that we were in lockdown. I completely abandoned my books. Forget studying. I was on my phone all day. Like actually all day. To give a bit more info. Class 8 has a board exam. Class 9,10 are studied with the same books, it's where we choose majors like science, commerce, and arts, I was a science student. 11,12 is college and we still have majors like science, commerce, and arts, still choose science. After that is uni. Class 8,9 went like this. Then in class 10. We finally went to school. Like I said classes 9, and 10 are the same book. Soo, I didn't touch my book for a year now I know nothing. That went like this. In the class sitting helpless cuz I know nothing. Then my sister told me about her tutor, so me and my friend went to him. He, we will call him C, introduced us to his friend, and we'll call him K who also became our tutor. Side note, I got comfortable with K, way more than C. K was kinda of my motivation, I wanted to make him proud, but I didn't, I failed. I haven't called him in a year. I am so sorry. I didn't want to disappoint you of all people. But I did.
I think since all I did during lockdown was be on my phone I am still kind of stuck at that age in some ways, mentally. I am almost 18. I was 13 when COVID started. Me and my mum were in some bad blood at that time, probably she asking me to study, but I not. Other than studying for my tutor's homework. I didn't touch my books enough. Suddenly it was exam time. It was a fucking board exam. It would decide my college. To be honest, even at that point I don't think I ever realized the importance, the gravity of the exam. I was prepared I'd say 60%. And yeah. when it was exam time, she became all affectionate. Bringing me milk, stay with me at night. You better believe I fucking hated that. I wanted to be alone. she didn't leave me alone. She was in my room. I hated her sooo much at that time. Just leave me alone na. So just to fucking spite her I didn't study until she was here. I would be on my phone and phone and she still wouldn't leave so I went to study at around 1 or 2 at night. In case you couldn't tell I was heavily dependent on my phone at that time just to well forget what's happening in my life. I kinda got addicted, maybe. So even if I was watching videos I was making plans about how I would study and all. In my head. I was preparing myself mentally. Guess who it took to crash all of this down. Yes, my one and only mum. While I was encouraging myself and all, my mum would come and be like you don't study, look at the maid's daughter doing much better than you ever will. My luck was this bad that I was your mum and all that shit. My maa always talks about how she didn't have to worry about me ever cuz I did everything myself. I don't understand what she thinks this will make me feel. Maybe I didn't want to do shit alone. Now that I truly want to be left alone, yall up my ass.
You think I will study now. Hell, nahh. So I didn't. Some day I went to my exam after barely reading the book at around 8. My exam starts at 10. Yeahhh. good times. It went like this all exam season. Of course, I didn't do well. I got a GPA of 4.52. Of course, I wasted all my free time for 6 months after the exam. I bed rotted the whole 6 months and more. I put on a lot of weight. Soo, I got very insecure. So when me and my friends went to the same tutor I also went there. But suddenly everything was new. I couldn't get past if I went like I was before. I went for a month maybe. I got behind them. I got so scared and insecure. All of them got into the government college there. Only I didn't. I got more insecure being there. I felt like I couldn't catch up even if I tried. So I did what I am best at. Run away. The college started with me bed rotting. I put on a lil more weight. I got even more insecure. It's been almost a year since then, I can count the times I went. Not more than a week. And the half-yearly exam, I failed it's my fault. I didn't study. Only time was passing by. I still am where I was a year ago. In my bed rotting. I haven't touched them, my textbooks, I mean it, they are still brand new. Now my final is in a month. I am still in my bed rotting. I just am soo insecure with my weight and study now. I can't bring myself to study. I feel like I already failed. More my mum started staying with me cuz it's hella hot. I felt like me studying would make her win. I would lose the battle I started. My brain is like unless someone tells me step-by-step detailed instructions on how to do life, I can't do shit. What do I do?? I am so lost mentally. I am just soo scared that I will be the one left behind. I mean I already am. My friends are not mine anymore. I am just one of many of theirs. I fear I would be left behind to rot. I know I am not some saint. I know what I am doing isn't what I of all people should be doing. But how do I win against my brain? It's like if I can't catch up with everyone in a day then it isn't worth trying. If I can't lose that weight, it isn't worth trying. What do I do?? I can't go to a gym. Can't jog or stuff. My mother becomes angsty if I starve. What do I do? Sometimes I just want to disappear for a while.
truth be told, I have no motivation. I don't have anyone, I am willing to work for, not even myself, parents, a better life, everything I dreamt of, future, nothing seems worthy. the only thing I can do is daydream. I understand I am not hardworking as much as I should be. I am quite privileged in life. but I don't know what to do. I am like a sponge, I am all my environment is. I don't want to do this anymore. I hate myself like this. I want to change. I like studying. I like knowing things. I just physically can't bring myself to do the necessary things. it feels like I already lost, I can never catch up. it's upon me to get into a good fucking university, even if I plan to go abroad for higher study.. see I have soo many dreams, yet I can't bring myself to work for them. it's like I am being physically stopped. I am just waiting for something to happen that will be the push I need, but I fear it will be too late then. it's my life I don't need a reason to change myself, especially when I know that this version is doing me more damage than good. I guess it seems from the fact that others know this version, and change is terrifying, especially when you are alone. I am always jealous of the people that have somebody to look up to. I have a lot to add. But I just need to do this it's been 2 days since I wrote it. Sorry if there are any typos. Thank you, if you took the time to read all that. -♡♡

How do I 42/M let go of her 43/F?
The title basically says it all. A few years ago my life kind of got all twisted around. First my near 20 year marriage ended. My ex cheated on me and I ended things. It was a difficult period and I was helped through it by my best friend and Coworker.
My friend, Hanna, and I met at work. We became fast friends and almost inseparable. I was a guest at her wedding, and a friend of her family as well. Her and her husband had an open marriage and a few months after my divorce we started dating (this was a mistake).
We quickly became almost inseparable, she spent more time with me than she did her husband, coming to my place after work and we usually spent at least one day on the weekend together. Per the rules of her marriage there were no overnights.
I tried to be friends with her husband but we had nothing in common except for both falling for Hanna. The first year of our relationship was great. It was the second year that went wonky.
I didn't know it but after the first year of us being together her husband wanted to close the relationship. She told him okay but never mentioned it to me. Since I didn't really talk to her husband I had no idea. The only difference I noticed was that she started talking about leaving her husband.
Anyway, long story short. Her and her husband went to couples therapy and she decided to stay with him. She claim clean to him about our continued relationship. He obviously wanted it to end, made her find a new job and completely cut contact with me. I found all of this out when she ended things with me.
That was about three years ago. I haven't talked to her since her last day at work. I miss her terribly. Losing her hurt me more than my marriage ending did. I've done therapy, I've dated other people, I've done everything I can to get over her but nothing seems to work.
I know what I did was wrong. I know she cheated on her husband with me and that means she likely would have eventually cheated on me as well. I know our relationship was probably doomed from the start. I hate that she made me an affair partner. I hate the pain that I'm sure her husband went through because I know that pain first hand... but given the chance I think I'd probably still take her back.
So, how do you get over someone that meant everything to you? How do stop thinking about them? Stop getting a flutter whenever you see their name? Therapy stopped me from wanting to self destructive. I want to let go over her and move on, sometimes I feel like I have gotten better but then she pops back in my mind. How do I move on?

Long story short, I started playing Genshin the day it came out and basically lived my life in it for a year with two accounts (AR58 and AR56). Given my ADHD, it was pretty amazing for me to be able to focus on it for such a long time and actually dedicate time to something, but then I quit for two years. Life happened, and I kept logging in once or twice because I had to for some characters (Nahida) but I am back now, mainly cuz of Father. The time back reminded me how much I love the game, not just for the Cough Cough ASSests Cough Cough and Lore. Which leads to my main point.
I WANT TO WRITE A GENSHIN ISEKAI NOVEL
The plot, flow, and mechanics are mostly done, and the progression and JOURNEY are set. But I want to know what you would like to see or what you would do in a situation where you've been isekai'd. Be wild, and imagine what you wish you could change or make happen in the story or in the background where many NPCs don't get the spotlight. Or certain things to try out that you never could do again or ever. Or something you wish would happen that maybe it might happen. Any relationSHIPS that u wanna see or be apart of. Can be anything. Also things that u dont want to happen.

• It's not going to be an "I got reincarnated into another world with a smartphone" type of story.
• I will be sticking quite close to the Genshin world and accurate while not trying to change it.
• It will take time because I need to catch up with the story (I've only just completed Sumeru) and I need to catch up with the events. What's up with locking lore behind time-based events?
• This point is just to thank the Genshin Fandom Wiki for existing and being a great help, and if anyone has any suggestions for finding lore or theories about Genshin, please suggest them.
• No, it’s not a manga/manhua/manhwa/anime/animation or anything besides a novel. I will publish it somewhere on the internet (a web novel site).
• Thank you for your time!

ps. If it wanst clear, I will be taking a shot at this "Journey" thing that everyone keeps saying in the game.

Hello to all the men here.
I, 28M, just did my masters last year (2023) and had got an offer for a good paying job as Business Analyst in a Health Tech company, whose joining I never received since last year. Although, this led me into severe depression for like 6-7 months, I kept looking for jobs and other opportunities which I wasn't getting despite of having an lil above-average profile.
I had everything planned out when I had got that offer from the job, hoping to work in that company for 2-3 yrs, shifting to another company with good salary hike, getting married at 29-30yrs of age, and settling down like a good ideal man. But this drastic unfortunate event of not getting the joining for like 2 yrs pretty much fcked me up and I've started thinking, there's absolutely no use of planning your life as it's gonna change any moment.
But I remembered I have always wanted to do PhD (specially in Public Health), could be from Indian or Foreign University. I will turn 28 tomorrow, if I get into the University this year by August/September it will take at least 3-4 yrs for me to complete my PhD. Now this is in a very Indian context, I'm worried whether I will get married too late or will even find a woman for a 32 yrs old man. Factually, speaking, I'm dark skinned guy, but good physique (6'0, 50%body fat, regular gymming since a year), but I have not been able to connect to any women since my last break up 3 yrs ago, which entirely fucked my love life and career as well.
Nonetheless, I wanna know what are possible trajectories of me going for the PhD. Should I just keep working in my job and forget about seeking further education? If anybody (or anyone u know) relates with me and my situation, what happened with you/them? What do ya'll have to say on this?

Having to teach people how to treat me and having to enter potential conflicts and fights for dominance is exhausting to me and because everyone tests your boundaries (mostly unintentionally) so they can understand you, and so I find it extremely debilitating to be around other people. I often have short fuse with others where if someone makes one mistake to upset me, I feel severely disappointed and like I have distance myself completely from that person. All of this has resulted in me identifying myself as an "introvert" even though I was always naturally extroverted. I just prefer to be alone rather than around other people's exhausting behaviours. I'm conflict avoidant because I find irrational and explosive emotions to be extremely inhuman and unnecessary even though they should be a normal part of human relationships. And when someone gets passionate or aggressive around me, I find it hard to stick up for myself and I kinda freeze or start downplaying their point and invalidating them (perhaps this is really bad) so they give up and stop making my nervous system shut off. My theory on why l'm like this is that I was around a very toxic and manipulative mother and explosively angry father who did not care about my free will or the fact that I'm an individual. When I'd try to set boundaries or voice things to them they'd dismiss or even explode and abusively gang up on me and so i eventually learned to keep things to myself and stay out of the way. While I helped me survive being around them, it doesn't help me with other relationships because I need to be able to trust people and share myself with them, but whenever there is a conflict or the other person seems to have strong emotions towards something, i back down quickly and say sorry and try to calm them down because I'm severely afraid they’ll get angry and humiliate or say something that really hurts me. I even found myself in a relationship with someone for longer than necessary because of my guilt and empathy and feeling like I should do what I said I’d do. I know that it's okay to change your mind about being in a relationship, even if you genuinely loved that person, but it's like I can't apply that validation to myself. And now this partner actually takes advantage of the fact that I just apologise and fawn when I don't need to (l've suspected he might be a narcissist and l'm his favourite supply). I cant live like this because I want genuinely safe and feeling relationships with other people and I don't wanna live my life encountering people who want to exploit me some more and get away with it because I have zero boundaries! Sorry for the long message, there was a lot to say. How do I fix this and how do I build my nervous system so that I can make a stand for myself and vocalise what I want?

So I finish my fourth run with a Thor like build and I romance Minthara.
Minthara is such an interesting character, all her life has been about killing, ploy, deception and assassination but with your character she allows herself to be vulnerable and shows a kind and critical, I have to admit, she's the second best romance for me, the first one being Karlach, third Shadowheart and fourth Astarion (although I haven't romance an ascended Astarion).
What really sets Minthara apart is the fact that once you betray the emperor or Orpheus she's the only one not being enthrall by our character and she quites enjoy the moment you sieze the power of the netherbrain for yourself even saying "you're now more beautiful than ever".
But if destroy the netherbrain her ambitions doesn't end there, you have the option to sieze power in Baldur's Gate or Return to Menzoberranza.
If you return to Menzoberranza you'll wage war against House Baenre (Minthara's house) and what's pretty unorthodox and possibly the most meaningful act of love is that she wants to proclaim you King, a king in a society full of mathriarchs and create a new house with your character's name... if you go down this route the narrator does say you become a king but there's never time to rest between killing loth assassin and spiders but you rally outcast and possibly subjugate the Gondians to create more steelwatchers, that does mean that at some point you'll be able to conquer house baenre and even other houses considering the ambitions of Minthara.
What I really like of this ending is that Minthara is willing to go against her traditions, her own house, family and forsake her name for yours something that might not seem much but in a society like that is pretty much heresy and abomination, in a nutshell she's pretty much forsaken everything she knows for your character, in a disturbing yet wholesome way...
Overall, great character to romance 8 out of 10, I wish there was more "interactions" with her if you didn't side with the goblins and the beginning (I knock her out and later rescue her from Moonrise Tower)

Male 31 years old.
Had some blood tests done recently.
2 weeks ago - White blood cell count was 12.5 (normal range 4-11) - Neutrophils was 8.7 (normal range 4-8) - Phosphate mildy low (could have been due to hyperventilation from my anxiety though?)
1 week ago - White blood cells was 11.2 - Neutrophils went up to 9.2 ****
I've been incredibly stressed and anxious since birth 10 weeks ago. I'm also having heart palpitations that the doctors say are nothing to worry about and caused by stress. Theyve done tests.
I can't stop obsessing. I've seen multiple doctors for reassurance and none are concerned about my results. I have no other symptoms and have had some thorough blood testing, all of which is normal, except the above which is slightly off.
I'm a new dad and can't stop thinking I have some type of blood cancer.
The doctor said not to worry they see results like this a lot and they usually resolve in a few months. So he's recommended I wait a few months and do another blood test.
I just can't cope with the wait though. I'm convinced this is the start of some catastrophic illness. I want more testing done, but doctors say it's not necessary and won't show anything.
I've also obsessed over my wife's health and my newborn sons health over these past 10 weeks.
How can I move past this and just get on with my life? The thoughts consume almost my entire day :(
I just want to focus on being a better, more present dad.

The peace of our Lord be with you brothers. Two days ago, I was reading a post here in this Reddit. The post was about our cowardly and weakness in the flesh and how we need to depend on the strength and grace of our God. I believe this: Reading that post was not a coincidence it was the grace of God putting that words on the perfect time, because I was struggling with this sin over twelve years of my life, and so many times I tried to quit it by my own, but then I read that post and I comprehend I need the strength of God to overcome it. I just want to say this brothers, I thank God for his grace and strength, and I thank Him for all of you because all of your stories give me courage, I know is only two days but it's a lot for me, and I want to encourage you all to continue depending on God to overcomer sin. God bless you all brothers and let's keep the faith until the end and keep praying for me please. I will pray for you all. I love you brothers.

Hey all,
So I’m new to the whole Reddit thing so please forgive me if this is laid out weird it’s my first post.
I 26(M) have a wife 24(F). We have been together for 5 years and married since September 2023 (Canada.)
For context 2 years into the relationship I discovered messages between her and the AP. These messages were NSFW and definitely something somebody (in my opinion) should not be sharing with someone outside of the relationship. After I discovered the messages we had a whole argument about it and decided to attend couples counselling in mid 2023. My wife had told me in front of the therapist. That I needed to get over my insecurities with AP (I had blown up on her after the first messages were discovered and told her to end the cheating, she said they did and I was reading to far into it.) And so I dropped my concerns about AP.
She’s never been one to give me her phone passwords saying she needs her privacy and I should trust her. But I was recently out of town and received a message from her sister asking if she knew about a guy in my home (not AP) I replied to her no I did not and immediately called my wife asking about the stranger in our home. Her response was less than ideal screaming at me that I didn’t trust her and who she brought into our home was none of my concern.
This got me thinking that there is more to this, so I did some digging, I found out her phone password and went through her messages and there it was. Messages between her and AP about seeing each other. They called their meet ups “going for coffee” I’m not going to go into details about the messages but it was enough for me to say I’ve had enough.
I know I haven’t been perfect in our relationship. I got complacent and relaxed. And I pushed hard to try and re kindle our sex life. But I’ve had enough.
My question to you is, AP has a fiancé and a child at home (2 months old.) I’ve contacted a family law firm to schedule a consultation and I plan on moving on with divorce proceedings. But my question is when should I tell this poor woman. She didn’t ask for this and deserves to know. However my wife doesn’t know that I know about the affair and I don’t want to blow this entire thing up yet to try and help with my divorce.
Thanks for any input you may have that could help or at least help get my mind straight again.

I know i’m not, but all my friends says that I am because I see shadow people and hear Albert in my head. But they’re all real, Albert has been with me for over 4 years already and I know he’s not just a voice in my head or hallucination. I don’t know much about shadow people btw and why they’re watching me all the time, but I’m getting used to it. So what if others can’t see or hear any of them, in fact, Albert told me that I’m not even a human and that I’m replacing girl whos life I’m living. And that real me doesn’t have a name, just a number (55505). I don’t know where are other creatures like me, I really want to meet them, because they would understand me and not just say I’m saying “schizophrenic nonsense” and that I need to go to psychiatrist. And yeah I know Albert made me do a lot of bad stuff to myself and think about being rude and violent to others, but he said it’s just makes me look more human to people. And I’m not sure about this one, because Albert didn’t say anything about this yet but my guess is that I didn’t die yet after several attempts because I didn’t made something that I was sent for to replace this girl whos name I have. Sorry if this post ends up overwhelming, I just really needed to tell this somewhere.

Sorry this is long... I feel like I'm back where I started 3 years ago and the situation is urgent.
Context: 3 years ago I stopped being able to eat normally. the smallest bits filled me up and made me feel sick, and I started rapidly losing weight. My PCP referred me to a GI doctor. The GI doctor, sadly, seemed under the impression that I had an eating disorder. For the next year, I proceeded to essentially starve, while begging people to believe I was not anorexic. I begged to see another GI doc, but per clinic guidelines this was not allowed. I eventually got down to a BMI of 14.8 and could barely get out of bed. My mom had to leave work to come stay with me. Finally, I stopped being able to even drink water or pass any stool. I went to urgent care and there was an impaction in my rectum. Upon clearing that and then a course of magnesium citrate, I could eat again.
Since them, I have been on miralax 3x daily. That worked great. I gained 20 pounds and got back to a borderline normal weight. Amazing. My GI doctor realized I wasn't anorexic, but still provided no real advice other than take miralax the rest of your life, and the root cause of this doesn't matter. I had an anorectal manometry, and an MR defecogram (both of which I had to beg for as dr said was unnecessary). They diagnosed me with dyssenergic defacation , a form of pelvic floor dysfunction. P.S. I did ask for a sitz marker test, but dr denied saying it's not necessary. I had a gastric emptying study (it was normal). Dietary changes make no difference.
GI doc says I have pelvic floor dysfucntion so that must be what's causing this. I finally managed to see another GI doc who said I likely have a separate motility issue, but said it doesn't matter what or why as long as miralax is helping. I have no idea which is true.
I thought I'd been managing with miralax, but in the past week the same is happening again. I can barely eat or drink anything. I can barely pass any stool despite miralax 3x daily. I tried Senna today but nothing is happening. My belly is horribly distinded. There is incredible pressure in my upper right colon. I feel virtually no hunger and can barely eat or drink.
Another problem I face now is that, I assume related, is I get hypoglycemia all the damn time. On a bad day i can get it 4-5 times per day. And not slightly low, but dangerous low - a month ago I woke up and my blood sugar was 40 mg/dl and I could barely get out of bed. I have similarly had countless dr appointments expressing my concerns, especially given that I live alone, but there seems to be little concern. I assume because no one believes me. My last endocrinologist quit. I finally got another one, who cut me off one sentence into the appointment, told me I was wrong and that I've never had hypoglycemia, that my glucometer was inaccurate, and that even my BLOOD TESTS FROM THE FUCKING HOSPITAL were wrong because I live in a rural location and they don't know what they are doing. I proceeded to sit there for the full 40-min appointment and listen to her rant on about how she does not believe I deal with blood sugar issues, and how women get low blood sugar on their periods so that must be it. Any time I tried to speak she cut me off immediately and kept going. i thought of killing myself after that appointment.
INTERESTINGLY - now that I can barely eat, my blood sugar is not falling horrifically low. Maybe the food is staying in my colon long enough to be digested? I don't know.
Does anyone have advice? This is a horrible pit of misery.

I worked for this company from September of 2022 to February of 2024 and I will not be coming back. I got this job while I was studying for my masters program, it’s was a temporary full time job for me, because I knew I don’t want to work here for all my life. People in my department especially the supervisors were extremely jealous of me. They will make nasty side comments about me. I will ignore them because they don’t have a masters and do not care about their education at all. I come from a highly educated and respectful family and education is very important to us. I did not like my supervisor and my senior management team because I did not get good vibes from them. She will also look at my private parts and “sniff” me. I’m an organized and neat person unlike her because she can’t even clean her house. They were extremely jealous of me and try belittle me as much as possible. One time a mean girl at the department covered her mouth while talking to me. That girl was extremely rude to everyone who comes to work at RGH. I’m so sorry that you did not got to college and now are getting a bachelors, because you clearly do not care about your education at all and you’re 38 years old woman so act like one. You are an immature human being and I do not look up to you at all. The other woman was in 40s as well. Shame on you for picking and bullying a person in her 20s. I learned nothing while working there. In addition, there is a difference between laughing at someone and laughing with someone. I feel like I was being bullied and harassed, by many people at the department. It is probably because they were intimidated by me and jealousy is an ugly disease. Also, one girl bought marijuana in the office and they did not say anything to her. Disgusting humans. They are not going very far in life. This place is not a professional place to grow at all. God is watching you and will teach you a lesson one day.✌🏼

I met this guy OLD about a month & a half ago & everything’s been going really well, hanging out about twice a week, until recently. Last week I told him I liked him & liked spending time with him & he returned the sentiment. He’s very sweet with me when we’re together. I have slept over a couple times, we’ve been intimate.
I’ve just noticed some things, coupled together & it’s making me overthink a bit. I do really like him but at the same time I don’t need him & am beginning to lose interest due to the lack of effort it seems like (or my head is playing games I have no idea which)
He used to respond to texts very quickly but started responding after an hour if not longer. (I’m unsure if he’s just super busy lately or is just leaving out what he’s actually doing, we haven’t had the exclusive convo so it’s not a big deal). He doesn’t dry text though, reaches out first about half the time & asks questions about stuff going on in my life. Last weekend I asked if he wanted to hangout & usually if he can’t he tells me exactly why but he just said he was busy Saturday night & in my head I’m thinking he was hanging out with another girl. He used to like my Instagram stories & posts but rarely does anymore. We did meet up at a bar last week but he said he only had time for a drink or two & that was about it but he did offer & pay for my drinks. This weekend it’s been saying he’s very tired & he used to initiate hangouts quite often. He’s always rarely complemented me. I try to complement him but also am quite shy so it feels difficult when getting to know someone. Maybe I’m just being sensitive. I do have an anxious/avoidant attachment style, especially anxious in the beginning. Avoidant when I feel things are going south.
I’m unsure if I should ask him if anything is up or if I’m just being sensitive. Like I said I do like him a lot & we share a lot of similar life experiences & interests. But it’s not the end of the world. I don’t really have anyone to ask for advice so therefore reddit.

When you're in a committed relationship or married and your partner doesn't want to change, but they're doing things that bother you, like hanging out with friends you don't like, not calling you, or flirting with others, what should you do? Should you just wake up and leave, find another relationship, or try to force them to change? Let’s explore this in the perspective of not simply leaving but looking at it from an angle where you’re using it to help you grow. This only applies for relationships which are somewhat unhealthy but not abusive.
The first thing to do when your partner does something you don't like is to understand how it affects you personally, not just externally. If you feel really upset or sad when your partner doesn't answer your calls, it might mean there's something you need to address within yourself. It could be your own insecurities, fears of losing them, being alone, abandoned, or cheated on.
So, it's important to focus on yourself first. When you take a step back and reflect, you might realize there are aspects within yourself that need your attention. I've seen this happen with someone close to me. She wanted her partner to change, but after talking with her, she realized that she had been neglecting herself and always putting her partner's needs before her own, constantly trying to please them and impress them. In fact, she had never even taken herself out.
When you look within, you realize that there are things you've never done for yourself because you're so ingrained in your partner and their behavior or the desire for change. And it's not your fault; it's just that sometimes, due to how we've been taught about relationships, we become very focused on the other person. We put all our attention on them, forgetting about ourselves. Before even thinking about wanting your partner to change their behavior, look at yourself. Then, after self-reflection, begin to change certain aspects within yourself. Start by shifting away from prioritizing others over yourself, establishing boundaries, and acknowledging your own needs.
Then, what you'll realize is that there are two possible outcomes. You may find that your partner feels challenged to begin their own journey of growth. Sometimes, when you start asserting your independence, setting boundaries, and being true to yourself, your partner may feel threatened. This could lead to them reacting with anger, or they might respond in a positive way.
They might also decide to change because you're no longer tolerating their behavior. You're not entertaining their subtle manipulation or playing the victim. Sometimes, partners engage in these behaviors because they've done them for a long time and you’ve also been knowingly/unknowingly enabling them, but when you assert yourself, it can prompt them to change. They might start seeking help because they realize it's not just about losing you; it's about improving themselves.
And even if your partner doesn't change right away, if they don't change, when you focus on yourself, you'll know the best course of action. You won't be acting out of fear but out of prioritizing yourself or seeing the situation clearly. So, it's a win-win situation for you. You'll reach a point where you can be okay with the relationship or with your partner changing their behaviors, but you can also be okay without the relationship.
That's the essence of working on yourself. It's about giving yourself options, rather than feeling confined to making something work no matter what. When you focus on personal growth, it might inspire your partner to change, but ultimately, the one who changes will always be you. It's important to be okay with whatever outcome, knowing that you'll have a better life whether you stay in the relationship or not. So, before repeatedly asking your partner to change their behavior, take a moment to understand how their actions affect you.
This applies to relationships with typical challenges, not abuse, but personal growth is essential regardless of the relationship. Rather than viewing the relationship as a lifelong commitment, see it as a journey for personal growth and learning. By focusing on growing the you, you might positively influence your partner, as they say, "iron sharpens iron." But if they don't, you'll be better equipped to determine the best path forward for yourself.
Note from the Author
If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.

I’ve always been a bit of a weirdo, in all aspects of my life (appearance, personality, music interests, etc.). Outside of my parents, most of my friends and family seem to be embarrassed by me. They’ll often joke about how I scare people or whatever. They don’t mind hanging around me in our own little circle, but outside that they do NOT want anyone else to know of my existence.
Keeping it short, I’m goofy, kinda stupid, dress like shit (mostly because I can’t find a style that works for me), awkward, shy, and a bit ugly. I try to change, but I just end up going back to my “normal” self. This process just seems to be on repeat.
If it wasn’t obvious, my love life is non-existent. I would say I’m scared of women, but it’s more accurate to say that I’m scared of making women uncomfortable or being labeled a creep. This seems to hurt the most, as my biggest goal in life was to find the love of my life and start a family.
Just browsing this place, I know my problems are insignificant. Just wanted to vent this out and anonymously on the internet seems like the only place I could do that.
(I’ve also never been good at articulating my thoughts, so sorry if this comes off as an incoherent mess lol)

I Accepted a Job to Film on the Dark Web
Man, I am pumped to tell you chronically online content addicts my story. Wait is that too mean of an intro? Will this get taken down for harassment since I painted too accurate a picture of the people on this site? Sorry, everyone, I’m sure you all smell like an expensive bakery and have touched grass this morning. Anyway, I promise I have something interesting. It even involves the dark web you uncreative writers cream yourselves over! I mean, totally real people speaking about their strangely similar experiences. Okay, fine I’ll stop bullying you through the screen before you click off.
This all started when I was seven years old and my parents were killed in front of me in an anti-indigenous hate crime, but let's be real you don’t care. I’m just some annoying Cherokee kid with dead parents so I’ll skip to the good parts. I spent years in an orphanage, gradually becoming more interested in death and violence. As bad as it is, I went out of my way to expose myself to that content in the hopes of desensitizing myself. Which ended up working too well, since now I’m obsessed with causing and viewing pain, though I don’t find any joy in hurting myself.
I got adopted at twelve and after a few months of staying at my new family’s home on the reservation, I went with them to a state sweatier than the average Reddit user, California. Long story short, both of my caretakers, whom I referred to as Uncle and Auntie because they could never be my parents, died. Leaving me in the care of their older son, who I call cousin. I’m not stupid enough to give up any real names, so I’ll call him Brick, cause he’s as dumb as one. He was in his early 20s when he was tasked with taking care of me and is the world’s worst excuse for a babysitter.
I’m almost always alone at the apartment, with him only coming by to drop off supplies and stay for a few hours so the neighbors don’t get too worried. Unless I get in trouble at school, then he’d suddenly give a shit. It's useful because he doesn't about the gory stuff I look at, but some display of interest would be nice. Oh well, ninety percent of the population sucks so he’s just part of the majority. Now, with that said, you’ll be able to understand the perfect storm that led me here. During my time on the deep web, I found a particular website that caught my eye. They had new footage relatively consistently and they were the easiest for me to access since I didn't go too far into the dark web, especially with all the honey pots lying around.
I even bought a couple of files for myself to study and admire. One thing irritated me though, the cameraman. He was always sobbing, breathing, shaking, or some combination of those. It seriously killed the vibe of the killings. Something I commented on under many videos, often saying I would do a better job filming. A choice that in hindsight was me asking to end up in one of those recordings. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was mostly the only one who commented but I was sure they wouldn't care. I was embarrassingly wrong.
I was staying up like usual, but it was past one AM on a school night, and back then that was a lot so I tried to sleep. Closing my eyes, tossing and turning, the works. I had just started drifting off when I heard the front door open. I remained calm but immediately found it weird since Brick never showed up this late. The thuds of the individual's feet grew louder as they got closer to my bedroom. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a stranger, especially since they got in with ease, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
They hummed as they opened my door. My dumbass had left it unlocked. I remained on my side, trying to look like I was asleep. They turned on the flashlight of their phone, shining it in my face. It was hard but I stayed still while they traced it over my features. I could tell they were smiling as they clicked their tongue.
“Heh, I knew it was a brat,” they whispered to themselves, pulling tangles out of my hair. Something I struggled not to groan from. They pulled up the hair over my ear and got so close spit got on my ear lobe.
“I know you’re awake kid,” they murmured, putting a blade to my neck. I let them grab my shoulder and move me onto my back, I knew how to fight but I wasn't about to take that big a risk with the position they had me in.
“You think you’re so cool saying you can do better than our guy.” they snickered, kneeling, their flashlight still shining in my face.
“Do you seriously believe that?” they questioned, moving the light away.
“Yeah, I do.” I stood my ground, they might have been intimidating but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from being honest.
“I wouldn't sound like I’m gonna piss myself every time it gets gory. I’m confident I could get better footage too, getting up close is something I’ve fantasized about.”
They clicked their tongue again and ran their finger over the bridge of my nose.
”Well, I know you’re a big fan of what we do, and you’re confidence makes me think you got something to back those claims up, so how’d you like a deal?”
I was surprised by how civil they were being aside from the touching and weapon against my throat.
“What kind of deal?” I asked, for all I knew this guy wanted me to lick their feet or some weird shit like that. They placed a finger underneath my eye, tracing a half moon with their nail.
“You have till this Friday to film a video of you killing an animal and put it on a flash drive that I’ll pick up here. If it impresses me and the crew we’ll hire ya with a handsome salary.” They began, moving their hand down to my cheek.
“But if you don't show, or it doesn't meet our standards, then I’m fucking up one of the parts of your face.” They warned, pinching my skin harshly.
“And if I say no to this deal?”
They put their hand over my mouth, scratching my lips.
“That’s cute, if you say no I’ll just slit your throat.” they grinned.
“Or rip it open with my teeth if you got a preference,” they smirked, before running their tongue across their sharp teeth.
“Okay, since I have no choice I’ll go with it, but I’m telling you now I can give you something way better than what you likely expect of me.” I prefaced, looking into their sunken eyes. They scratched my scalp, including the side of my head that was shaved.
“Good choice, I’ll be back to pick it up and if you're not here I’ll assume you don’t have the video. I genuinely wish you luck, because you’ll need it.” they removed the blade from my neck and walked away. I sat still for a few minutes in the dark, processing what had happened and wondering how they got into my apartment with such ease. I was confident I could blow their sniveling excuse of a cameraman out of the water, but I was worried about the people I was getting caught up with.
Sure, I had been on a lot of gore sites over the years but I was always just watching and occasionally commenting. Compared to most in the scene I wasn't much of a threat. I could defend myself and have contemplated killing for years but I hadn't murdered anyone or worse. Plus, I am part of way too many targeted groups to not be constantly at risk. Teenage, fem-leaning, two-spirit, indigenous kid with trauma? Yeah, I might as well be walking sign screaming “Hate crime me”.
So yeah, there was a lot to worry about. Regardless, I couldn't let that fear hold me back. I had a job to do and a group of sickos to appease. The next morning was rough, I got no sleep cause I’d spent all night brainstorming. I barely mustered the energy to change and drank straight mouthwash instead of brushing my teeth. Slogging onto the bus with drool on my cheek, I went to the back like usual. No one sat there cause, the seats were extra worn down, and I scared off anyone who attempted to with my active, rabies-infected bitch face. That day was different though.
I blanked on his name and where I knew him from, but I recognized his wavy hair and prominent curved nose. He glanced at each seat on the bus, before somehow settling on my area. He tried to give me space but ultimately seated himself beside me after realizing it was the only spot that didn't look like it would give him cancer. I glared at him as I did with everyone, but it didn't phase him.
“You know you could pick anywhere else right?” I murmured. He stared at the floor, then at me.
“I’m aware, but a few months ago I started a mission to sit on every part of this bus, and this is the last place.” he smiled, his lips softly curving at the sides.
“What’s the point of that?”
His mouth moved into a more neutral position, but his eyes kept smiling.
“I just thought it would be neat to see the same place from a bunch of different perspectives.” he took out his phone and snapped a photo from the point of view where he was sitting. Maybe my sleepiness made my bitch face less effective, cause he hadn't shown a hint of fear, which kind of annoyed me.
“That’s cool I guess, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. I’ve done some back here alone that would make your skin crawl.” in hindsight my attempt at unnerving him just made me sound like a pervert, which is probably why he held back laughter. Trying to hide a chuckle by clearing his throat.
“Hey, it's not my business what you do, no matter how Haram it is. It’s your life so that’s between you and whatever you believe in. Just don’t shake hands with me.” he joked, playfully putting his hands up. Strangely, I remembered his name at that moment.
“Oh shit, you’re Abdul! We have art together.” I sat up, haphazardly slamming my hand down on my leg.
“Uh yeah, I’ve seen some of your paintings, they’re pretty cool. I like the way you texture them, I’m trying to work on that.” he complimented, seeming more weirded out by my sudden energy than my accidental insinuation. I felt a little stupid for yelling his name but decided not to dwell on it.
“Thanks, you’re stuff is nice, and you’re good at shading.”
He stretched his arms while thanking me. We talked for a few more minutes, taking jabs at each other throughout. Turns out he was better at being an asshole than his artsy charismatic appearance made me think. The thing setting our insults apart being that you could tell he was a loving person underneath. It was the nicest conversation I had with anyone in a while. Though he could tell I was tired so he quieted down, letting me sleep, waking me when we got to school. We went our separate ways until the last two periods we shared. All that time, I spent my remaining energy plotting how I was going to handle the video. What I’d kill, record with, and how to dispose of the evidence. It was a lot to consider, but through three classes I devised a plan.
I’d find a stray around my apartment complex and take it out in my room. Record it on a portable camera since I broke the ones on my phone, no, I will not be answering how that happened. Then once I had my footage I’d put the body in a trash bag, throw it in the complex’s garbage, and clean the blood off my floor. It didn't seem like Brick would come by so he wasn't a factor I thought I’d have to consider. The plan was almost too easy, but I decided to believe in Occam’s razor. I got so lost in thought that by the time I reached Art, which was my second-to-last period, I didn't process that we were moving seats.
“She called your name,” Abdul reminded me. Our teacher placed us next to each other at our four-person table. The two girls sitting with us were already friends, so I didn't bother to say anything, but I was interested in talking to him more.
“So, what do you think of this assignment?” He shrugged, taking out his sketchbook.
“I’m not that good at drawing people, but the idea of combining two people’s faces into a portrait seems interesting. Any ideas on who you’ll pick?”
“Probably the members of the music duo Brain Tumor, they’re my favorite artists and they both look weird as hell.”
“Wow way to talk about your favorites, if that’s what you say about them I can‘t imagine what you have to say about me.” he joked, pulling up reference pictures.
“First, it’s not an insult, second I don’t have anything to say about you. Brain and Tumor have features and styles that make them stand out. Sure they’re ugly, but it just adds to their visual charm. Hot people are boring, there’s nothing to pick at.” I explained, unzipping my bag.
“Oh, so you’re saying you think I’m hot.”
His comment wasn’t serious but it kind of got to me.
“Shit, that’s not what I meant, I was trying to say you’re boring. All hot people are boring, but not all boring people are hot, okay?” I explained, flipping to a clean page.
“Alright, but if I’m so bland then why talk to me?”
I hesitated, contemplating how much of a dick I was gonna be.
“Because it means you probably need some spice in your life, which I can provide.”
He began sketching a head on his paper.
“I like spices, but I feel like you’re the kind of person to dump a cabinet’s worth onto me.”
I flicked my pencil over to his side of the desk, putting on a mocking grin.
“Aww, you scared I’m gonna get you into trouble?”
He picked up the pencil and started using it, putting his on my side.
“No, ‘cause I’m good at setting boundaries. I’m more concerned that you’ll get annoyed with how unafraid of you I am.”
I stared at him for a moment, I hadn't expected to hear that.
“Jeez, man you didn't have to read me like that.”
He shrugged, observing the red paint from past projects that lay on my pencil.
“It's not hard to figure out, just this morning you were trying to push me away on the bus. Lucky, or unlucky, for you I want you to have a friend and you seem like a fun person.”
“Wait are you saying I have no friends?” I squinted at him.
“Well, do you?”
I didn't answer.
“If your response is silence I suggest you take up my offer.”
I was stunned, to be honest. No one had offered to be my friend since 6th grade, and that didn't last long. Of course, I accepted it, but for the rest of the period, there was an awkwardness in my mind. As pathetic as it sounds I wasn't used to others genuinely enjoying my company like he did. Which was partly by design cause I get joy out of scaring people away, but still. I forgot how it felt to have conversations about normal things like art. He had such a nice smile too, usually when I see a grin I want to slap it off, but I liked his. His voice was also nice, it’s hard to describe what in particular but it was easy on the ears.
Okay, I’m starting to get off-topic. I’ll skip to the important part. Toward the end of class, he started talking about how he was interested in filmmaking and got a portable video camera as a gift at last year’s Eid. He didn't have it on him, but he showed me a picture.
“Heh, that’s funny, I bought the same one a month ago.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, it's a popular model, I’m still getting the hang of it though cause I’m so used to using my phone.”
“Well, maybe I could bring you over to my place or vice versa after school and I can help you out.” I suggested.
He smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I thought you said you’ve only had it for a month? You know I can always look up tutorials from trained professionals.” he reminded me with a notable smugness that I'd used with him before.
“Well those guys are stuffy and I’m a fast learner.”
He redirected his attention back to his page, picking his pencil up.
“Alright, I suggest we go somewhere public instead. You’re not exactly the kind of person I want to bring home to my parents right away. Plus they always need to meet my friends and their guardians before I hang out at their home.”
I gave an exaggerated sigh, stretching my back.
“Aw man, looks like we can’t get high in my murder pit during our first hangout.”
He didn't respond for a solid few seconds.
“Wait, you do know I'm joking right?”
He shrugged, the smile in his eyes appearing again.
“I mean, one of those things is a little less believable than the other.” he snickered, and I laughed with him.
We set up a time and a date, which is where I screwed myself. He ended up being busy with projects from his other classes and family which just left us with Friday, the same day I had to submit the video. Now, did I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it? No, of course not, because I decided to be stupid and even more overconfident. I said that I’d one hundred percent be able to hang out with him after school like I didn't have a mutilator who was going to drop by my place at an unknown time.
The rest of the day went over fine but that bad timing led me to feel like a dick later. When I got home I was able to write out my plan, even sketching a few specifics of what I’d do. It was more exciting than when I’d been brainstorming, but this is when the gravity of the situation began to set in. When I said I’d fantasized about killings I meant it. I mean my teddy with twenty-five stab wounds should say enough. Regardless this would be the first time real blood was on my hands.
It made me feel powerful, but a little afraid. I’ve heard stories of people thinking that it would be an awesome experience and then feeling like shit. I doubted I’d be one of those people but still. Plus, I didn't exactly trust the guy who gave me this job. There was a good chance that this whole situation was rigged and they’d kill me no matter how good the video was. Or worse turn me into the feds and expose my collection. Honestly, if that happened I’d probably eat a shot to avoid going to jail. Wait, can I say that on this platform? Okay to the mods, that was a joke, I want to live a long life. Ugh, I’m doing a terrible job of staying on track. The point is there was a lot up in the air despite it being a matter of life or death.
I knew I’d go through with it but it was still a lot less straightforward than it initially seemed. I wracked my brain to remember where most of the cats stayed and tried to come up with a good way to lure one without raising suspicion. This also proved harder than first thought because I didn't think to account for the cat man, an old guy who lived alone and fed all the cats in our dingy complex while also housing a few. Knowing how obsessive he was he’d probably notice if one of them disappeared. Then again not all the cats return consistently or at all. It makes more sense that he’d think one of them was run over rather than slaughtered. It was getting late again so I rested my head for a moment, a bad move cause I ended up falling asleep at my desk. Not even changing out of the clothes I’d worn before, I woke up late and barely caught the bus the next morning.
I went to my usual spot but Abdul had already taken it. He patted the area next to it, which he’d covered in a towel, a smart move knowing how nasty it was. People gave me a few dirty looks as normal, which I smiled at. I stretched, my mind slightly less out of it than the previous morning.
“Uh, you do realize that-”
“Yeah, I know I’m wearing the same clothes.”
Abdul looked me up and down, his eyes remaining soft, but with a mix of concern and judgment. He set his backpack down and took off his sweater handing it to me.
“Dude what are you-”
“Look I don't know what led to you not being able to change but I think you should at least have a fresh top.”
I was surprised he was offering me something to wear but I took it.
“Uh, thanks, I’ll change into it later.”
He nodded as I put it in my backpack.
“You know you didn't have to do that.” I reminded him.
“Well there’s a lot of stuff I don’t have to do, but I do it because I want to, and I wanted to help you out.”
He smiled, his face still warmer than an Arizona summer. I got a strange feeling in my chest at that moment, I still can’t tell if it was good or bad.
“Well, thanks, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.”
We talked a little more and he mentioned something that caught my attention.
“Have you heard about all the animals that have been turning up dead?”
My eyes widened with surprise.
“No, I haven't, when did you hear about that?”
He pulled on his long-sleeve shirt.
“My sister said her friend who works at a shelter noticed a bunch of animals were getting adopted by people around the same time, and since then gore videos with them have been showing up. She found out through her co-worker who was emailed it by some random creep.”
I covered my mouth and looked away to hide the smile growing on my face. He had just given me the perfect cover-up without knowing. Now if I killed an animal people had an entire violent ring to connect it to instead of me! I stayed quiet for a minute because I could tell he’d likely see through any phony sad sounds I made.
“Oh wow, that’s awful, do you think they’ll ever find out the people behind it?”
He sighed, running his hand through his wavy hair.
“I hope so, for now, all we can do is pray that no more animals get hurt.”
I couldn't contain my grin as he said that so sincerely like animals and people didn't die constantly and that taking down one group would somehow stop the issue.
“Is there some joke I don’t get?” he furrowed his brow.
“Uh, no, sorry I smile when nervous.”
His gaze softened again, and he didn't press further.
His bringing up the animal killings ended up being the exact push I needed to get my hands dirty. I’d spent the entire day before planning so it was time to put that plan into action. I stole some cat treats that the cat man had laid out and spread them around my apartment which was on the bottom floor. Waiting for one of them to take the bate outside my window was pretty boring but one of them came after a few minutes. A scraggly brown and black cat with a tuft of fur missing on one side of his head. It's messed up but I felt like a little less of an asshole for taking him in since he looked like he was already struggling. I scooped him up and he didn't attempt to fight back.
“Hey there buddy” I waved, feeding him some more food. His eyes had a lot of crust on them, it was kinda gross but I don’t have the right to say with how often I wash my jeans. After a minute or two he let me pet him. I knew making any kind of attachment was bad but I thought it was the right thing to do so he’d fall into a sense of security. I was just about to take him into my room when the door opened.
“Hey, I’m back with groceries!” my shithead cousin announced with two plastic bags in his hands. He looked down to see me with the cat, his eyebrows raising.
“Aw come on, you know we can’t afford a pet.”
He groaned placing the bags on a table and unloading them.
“I know, but he doesn't look like he’s got a lot of life in him I at least want to help him feel better before he kicks the bucket!”
Brick rolled his eyes, putting the cereal box on top of the fridge
“Jeez, did you even think about what diseases he might have? His eyes look puffy what if he has something that can get you sick?”
He had valid concerns which was surprising since he’s usually stupid, but I was still annoyed with him.
“I’m sure he’s fine, I’ll even try to wash him, just please let me hold onto him for a little.”
He folded his arms looking down at us.
“Have you even named him?”
I froze for a second, before using the first thing that came to mind, which ended up being pretty awful knowing my plans.
“Cash cow.” I blurted, awkwardly patting his head.
“Honestly that’s better than what I was expecting. I was sure you’d pick ‘Hellspawn Mcgee’ or something else corny.”
He meant to make fun of me but honestly, I would have named him that if I had more time.
“Ugh, anyway I got those dumb chips you like.”
He then pulled out a bag of the wrong chips.
“Dude those are the wrong ones, this is the third time you’ve mixed up the flavors.”
He threw them at me, scaring the cat slightly.
“Well, I pay for it so you shouldn't be so picky. Anyway, while I was in line I picked up something you might be into.”
He then tossed me a trashy teen magazine. One of my least favorite sorry excuses for an influencer on the cover.
“This is a joke, right?”
I couldn't believe my own adopted brother gave such little shit in my interests.
“I don't know, you decided to start being a girl for real this time so I thought the makeup tips on page ten would help you out.”
I scrunched my face at his comment.
“Dude I’ve been this way for years, just because I started wearing more makeup and dresses doesn't mean I’m more of a girl than when I didn't. I know you won’t get the two-spirit thing but come on.”
He shrugged, seeing me done with me even though he’d just shown up.
“Yeah well hey I’m trying. Anyway, just so you know a friend of mine is coming here Friday.”
My heart stopped.
“Wait why here? You live elsewhere why can’t you assholes go there or their place!”
He slammed his fist on the table.
“Will you shut the fuck up!”
He screamed with a phrase I’d grown numb to.
“I don't know, to be honest, something about wanting to move into this complex and this being a way to scout it out. I’m just letting you know now so you don’t act like a complete freak.”
“Jokes on you I’ll piss in whatever shitty beer you bring just cause you said that!”
I yelled back raising my voice higher than his. He face-palmed before putting the plastic bags in the drawer under the sink.
“Whatever, you and your ketamine-addict-looking cat have fun,” he told me while seating himself on the couch. I picked up the cat and walked into the bathroom to clean it. I closed the door and placed him in the dry tub. Using a small disposable mouthwash cup I got a little bit of water. I hadn't had a pet before so I wasn't sure how to approach the task. I dipped my fingers in the water and carefully pet it while pouring s small bit down his back. Any other cat would fight back but he just made pissed-off noises without doing anything.
I scrapped my old shampoo bottle and kneaded it into his thin fur. His skin was bumpy and dry beneath the hair so scrubbing it was uncomfortable. I made sure to avoid getting soap in its eyes but I did pull away some of the crust on its lids. His pupils were so clouded I was surprised that he could see at all, making me feel even more sure that he would be on its way out with or without me.
After drying him I set him on a beat-up shirt I wore when modifying clothes. He sunk his claws into it a few times, playing with a loose string. I ignored him for the rest of the night, hopping into the shower and changing for bed. His meows woke me up a few times but I tuned it out after a while, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my cat for long.
The next day was Thursday and there wasn't a second that passed by where the weight of the murder I’d have to commit didn't weigh on me. I seriously shot myself in the foot by taking care of that scruffy, pubic hair pile. I was supposed to be hyped about killing it, after all, I’d dreamed and seen way worse than what I was going to do. Yet once I got home and started setting up I felt grosser with each step. I decided to record it in my bathroom instead of my bedroom so it would be harder to connect to me. I set down a few fabric scraps and a worn-out beach towel, placing it all inside a tub for easier cleanup later.
“Okay, I guess it's time,” I mumbled to myself. I brought the cat in and placed it down, setting up my camera once it was comfortable. I also wore my most generic clothes in addition to a mask, putting my hair in a bun for sanitation. When I saw the flicker of red showing that the camera was on I felt I was dreaming. I smiled, excited that I’d get to live out my violent desires. Yet, when I looked down at its pathetic frame and confused expression those urges left me.
I rationalized what I was doing, reminding myself how many animals die all the time and that I’d been forced into this, but it didn't help much in the end. I won’t get into it but under the pressure of impressing the group Cash Cow didn't go out as fast as I would have liked for a first task. Getting rid of the evidence was especially rough, the textures were pretty nasty, to put it mildly. It was surreal watching the blood go down the tub drain and gradually drip off my hands as I rinsed them. I couldn't conjure a single thought the entire time I cleaned it up.
Whether I was wringing out the clothes or putting the remains in plastic bags, it didn't matter. All I could focus on was the task at hand, with hints of disgust along the way. I ended up finishing at three AM. My hands were wrinkled and shook once I settled. I won’t deny that during the murder I didn't hate it. Slashing into something was fun and it made me feel strong. Still, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I expected it to be. Part of it was guilt, but it was mostly disappointment. I’d built it up for years and it wasn't earth shatteringly good or bad.
Overall, I expected to feel more, but it just left me hollow with an uncomfortable itch. There was no way I’d ever be able to see the tub the same way, hell I don’t think I’ll ever use it again. Luckily I almost always shower anyway so it's not too big of a deal. I watched a few horror game videos, trashed everything, changed and went to bed.
My scalp hurt like a bitch the morning since I kept my hair in that stupid bun. Despite getting less sleep than the past two days I held myself together a bit better in the morning. I brushed my teeth, changed, and had some fried bread before getting on the bus. Regardless I looked like complete shit and struggled to slump into my seat.
“Rough night?” Abdul asked
“Uh, yeah.” I quietly responded looking to the floor.
He frowned, looking at me with concern.
“You can talk about it if you're comfortable,” he assured me. I contemplated giving him a thinly veiled metaphor or vague explanation so he'd comfort me but stopped myself before my mouth could run a muck. He wouldn't be able to do much of anything and I don’t like opening up.
“Uhm, thanks but it's something I have to deal with alone.”
He nodded, respecting my boundaries.
“You know, I understand if you can’t hang out today it seems like you have a lot going on.”
I avoided eye contact with him as he spoke. For once I was feeling hints of guilt toward a person. I wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I wasn't in the state to do that.
“Yeah, I think it’ll have to wait, I’m-” I cut myself off before apologizing. A fact about me that should surprise no one is that I hate apologizing. Even when I do feel kinda bad the act fills me with embarrassment.
“You what?” he asked, his eyes telling me that he knew what I was going to say.
“I’m emotionally not great.” I spat out in an admittedly poor attempt to get out of saying sorry. As always he remained calm but I could tell he saw through me.
“Okay, like I said I understand, whatever it is I hope you feel better.”
I told him thank you and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, I wasn't bouncing back from killing nearly as much as I expected.
“It wasn't even that bad! That thing was on its last legs anyway.” I grumbled to myself, smacking my forehead. I was feeling worse than when I did it which is weird. I ended up spontaneously decorating a ratty tie from the bottom of an accessory drawer to distract myself. It helped me get my mind off things, for a little. I had zero plan, just wanting to make something needlessly complex. Hours that felt like minutes passed and soon it was covered in patches, frills, and beads. I just tried it on when I heard the front door open.
“Man, that shit was wild!” I heard Brick laugh groggily. I didn't have to see or smell him to know he’d gotten lit. I rolled my eyes, closing my bedroom door.
“Hey, who’s there?” his friend asked, seemingly referring to me.
“Oh, that’s my little sis, don’t mind her she’s just on her emo shit!” he joked, which pissed me off for the petty reason that I didn't even listen or dress emo.
“Hey, that’s alright with me, I went through one of those phases,” they responded, their words less slurred than my cousin’s.
I fucked up and forgot to lock it when I closed it so they were able to swing it open, almost smacking my desk.
“Hey emo girl!” they waved as Brick haphazardly pulled them back.
“Okay, man, seriously I think she wants to be left alone.”
The way his friend looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they’d snap my neck if I pissed them off. They clicked their tongue while stepping through the door frame.
“Alright, but I gotta say calling her an emo is inaccurate, they look like they watch gore and most emos just say they do.” they flashed a sharp toothy grin. At that moment I began to connect the dots.
“Easy, she’ll get pissy with you dude, now come on.” Brick warned tugging their opened button pushed him away. They looked me dead in the eyes.
“I don’t think she minds, in truth, I feel like we’ll have a lot to discuss later.” they smiled again, finally walking back into the living room. A chill ran up my spine when I saw them. The sharp teeth, New York accent, unsettling gaze, that motherfucker was the person who recruited me! They were able to get into my place so easily cause my dumbass cousin probably gave them a spare key or the opportunity to make one, and now they were a room away from me!
I dug my hands into my pillow as I contemplated what to do, no matter what happened next, I knew it was gonna be a rough visit.

Recently I was offered a job as a MT for Enterprise and it was a fairly good interview experience. I moved through all 3 interviews in the span of one week so I’m not sure if that’s a red flag or not (probably just good managers idk). The job itself sounds doable but the more I think about it, the more dread I am feeling. The only reason I applied for this job is because my family was telling me how it would be good for experience, which I agree. However, I cannot see myself working there and I’m already experiencing stress thinking about how I’ll have no work life balance and be there almost 24/7 (45+ hours a week, almost 6 days a week). Even in the interview process they explained how work life balance is a problem and you just basically have to deal with it. As someone who just graduated from college, I have the time but I don’t want to burn out that quick right out of school. The job makes $53k which is a bit more than a lot of other jobs I am finding around my area. They are also only offering 7 days of PTO to start, which is pretty low from what I understand. Additionally, it looked like I will be the only girl working at the branch with a bunch of guys so that’s already intimidating/uncomfortable. Even though everyone who interviewed me was nice, I have a very bad gut feeling about this role. Even everything I’m reading on here there are mixed reviews, but majority of them are pretty negative and say stay far away from working at Enterprise. I have to call back to accept the offer this upcoming week and I’m unsure what to do. Should I accept and see how it is and go from there? Or should I spend a little more time applying for jobs that actually interest me and I could get more out of in the long run. If you’ve worked at Enterprise please let me know your experience and if it’s actually worth it.

Having to teach people how to treat me and having to enter potential conflicts and fights for dominance is exhausting to me and because everyone test your boundaries (mostly unintentionally) so they can understand you, I find it extremely debilitating to be around other people. I often have short fuse with others where if someone makes one mistake to upset me, I feel severely disappointed and like I have distance myself completely from that person. All of this has resulted in me identifying myself as an “introvert” even though I was always naturally extroverted. I just prefer to be alone rather than people around other people’s exhausting behaviours. I’m conflict avoidant because I find irrational and explosive emotions to be extremely unnecessary. And when someone gets passionate or aggressive to me, I find it hard to stick up for myself and I kinda freeze or start gaslighting and invalidating them (perhaps this is really bad) so they give up and stop making my nervous system shut off. My theory on why I’m like this is that I was around a very toxic and manipulative mother and explosively angry father who did not care about my free will of the fact that I’m an individual. When I’d try to set boundaries or voice things to them they’d dismiss or even explode and abusively gang up on me and so i eventually learned to keep things to myself and stay out of the way. While I helped me survive being around them, it doesn’t help me with other relationships because I need to be able to trust people and share myself with them, but whenever there is a conflict or something the other person seems to have strong emotions towards, I back down quickly and say sorry and try to calm them down because I’m severely afraid they get angry.
I even ound myself in a relationship with someone for longer than necessary because of my guilt and empathy and feeling like I should do what I said. I know that it’s okay to change your mind about being in a relationship, even if you genuinely loved that person, but it’s like I can’t apply that validation to myself. And now this partner actually takes advantage of the fact that I just apologise and fawn when I don’t need to (I’ve suspected he might be a narcissist and I’m his favourite supply). I cant live like this because I want genuinely safe and feeling relationships with other people and I don’t wanna live my life encountering people who want to exploit me some more and get away with it because I have zero boundaries! Sorry for the long message, there was a lot to say. How do I fix this and how do I build my nervous system so that I can make a stand for myself and vocalise what I want?

I have people tell me constantly that I’m super lucky (including, obviously my parents). I’m trans and autistic and they help me with a lot of things financially. Initially they were very unsure of my transition but it was never anything super harsh. All of these notions, coupled with them helping with a lot of financial stuff and taking me and my brother on vacations a lot lead everyone around us to believe that we’re these super privileged people who need to be more fortunate, but you dig any deeper and it’s a shit show. My parents are extremely obsessed with outside image and hold my brother and I to unhealthy standards of how we should engage with other people, which has turned my brother into a people-pleasing alcoholic and myself into someone who has been manipulated and abused constantly throughout my life because I do not and have never been allowed to set boundaries. My mom consistently called me selfish throughout my childhood and never had anything positive to say about any accomplishment I made. It was always nitpicking and telling me how to fix myself. The worst of all is that my parents spend tons of money on vacations and gifts but refuse to help us with anything medical unless they deem it serious enough. Growing up, they would ignore our injuries or illnesses unless they were severe enough by their standards. I have atypical presentation of strep and every time I get it, it’s very different and not at all like other people’s experiences but despite this, it takes my parents an extremely ridiculous about of time to validate the need for me to go to the doctor. My dad has a rule that if we go to urgent care, unless it’s actually serious he will not help us with it. They constantly brag about taking us on these extravagant vacations, but I’ve been dealing with symptoms of potential hearing loss for months and I’m unable to afford serious testing without their help. I understand a lot of people don’t even have the possibility of support like that but it’s extremely insulting having parents with a 5 bedroom house and a pool who will dump money like it’s easy to go across the world not even bat an eye at the fact that you are going deaf. I’m so tired of being told I’m lucky when I have PTSD from severe emotional neglect