Convalidation invitation

Married in 2019 and 5 years later getting married in the Catholic Church. I’m stuck on how to word our invitations for any guests who aren’t catholic and those who might not understand the significance of having to marry the same person twice…
Our children will be baptized the same day as well (convalidation then baptism will follow), so bonus points if you can help me word both sacraments into the invite.

After 30 years of secular marriage my wife and I are finally taking our marriage vows in front of a priest (I'm Catholic, my wife is not). We have already filed the paperwork and everything is scheduled and good to go, but I have a couple of questions as I have never attended a Catholic wedding (or in this case, a marriage "convalidation"). Here are my questions:

1. Is it typical for me to make some sort of donation to the church at the time of the ceremony? (or afterwards?) I don't mind doing such, I'm just curious how (or if) this is typically done.
   
2. This will be a small ceremony with only 4 guests outside of my wife and I. Our plan is to just go to a restaurant afterwards to celebrate. Is it normal etiquette to invite our pastor to the celebratory meal? I don't mind inviting him if that is normal, but I do NOT want him to feel obliged to go.
   

Thanks in advance for any guidance you can provide.

Has Anyone Planned a Quick Wedding?
Hello,
My FIL was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer early January of this year. In a matter of three weeks, it has metastasized to his lungs. His wish is for him to be at our wedding. He wishes for us to be married in a Catholic Church.
I am so in over my head and stressed. I have no idea how to plan a wedding in general, much less one in such a short period of time. I have no idea how early to plan it. He was asking for potentially April 2024 but… Will he even make it? I work in the healthcare field, and while I don’t work in oncology, it was always my understanding that a late stage pancreatic moves extremely fast.
There are so many hurdles to jump. The Catholic Church require six months of premarital counseling before allowing a couple to set a date. I quite frankly don’t care about being validated by the church right now. If I have to, I’ll convalidate with them down the line but I wish for him to see us married too, though it may not fully be on the terms he’d like.
And I hate to disappoint him but I just don’t think it’s possible to invite over 200+ people to our wedding. He wants to do chemotherapy to try to extend his life just a little bit, to have a little extra time. I’m concerned that even if that many people show up, how that would affect his health as he’d be immunocompromised. I think I’d like to decrease it to a maximum of 20 guests. But I also fear depriving him of his family support.
Please, I’d love to hear your ideas.

Hello,
My FIL was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer early January of this year. In a matter of three weeks, it has metastasized to his lungs. It was already present in his liver and areas of his abdominal cavity, four in total. His wish is for him to be at our wedding. He wishes for us to be married in a Catholic Church though it’s more my future MILs wish than his.
I am so in over my head and stressed. I have no idea how to plan a wedding in general, much less one in such a short period of time. I have no idea how early to plan it. He was asking for potentially April 2024 but… Will he even make it? I work in the healthcare field, and while I don’t work in oncology, it was always my understanding that a late stage pancreatic moves extremely fast.
There are so many hurdles to jump. The Catholic Church require six months of premarital counseling before allowing a couple to set a date. I quite frankly don’t care about being validated by the church right now. If I have to, I’ll convalidate with them down the line but I wish for him to see us married too, though it may not fully be on the terms he’d like.
And I hate to disappoint him but I just don’t think it’s possible to invite over 200+ people to our wedding. He wants to do chemotherapy to try to extend his life just a little bit, to have a little extra time. I’m concerned that even if that many people show up, how that would affect his health as he’d be immunocompromised.
Please, tell me your story. How did you navigate this?

yo soy una chica de (31/F) y mi novio(33/M), llevamos 3 años de relación, esto puede ser algo largo de contar pero empecemos, en el 2019 empezamos a salir, durante la pandemia estuvimos en contacto por video llamada, hablábamos diario, hasta que mi familia cayo enferma por este virus, cabe recalcar que mi madre era diabética y por eso la cuidábamos mucho y no la dejábamos salir, mi hermano era el único que salía porque trabajaba en oficina, mi mamá dejo de trabajar y yo trabajaba desde casa. Cuando ella cayo enferma la tuvimos que internar por su condición de diabética, fueron los 20 días mas horribles de mi vida, uno peor que el otro y no tenia ganas de hablar con nadie ya que cada vez que me llamaba el medico para darme el proceso de mi mamá, era peor que del día anterior, pero como yo fui la primera en caer con este virus deje de contestar el teléfono, pero el solo me escribió una sola vez y como no respondí, no supe mas de él. Paso los 20 días y perdí a mi madre( es algo que duele hasta ahora) y como es costumbre se hace una misa de 8 días, luego del mes. Recién en la misa de los 3 meses publique algo al respecto de mi perdida y fue donde me escribió un mensaje largo disculpándose y que no sabía de mi perdida, me invito a salir a mi lugar de desahogo, la playa, lo acepte ya que llevaba esos 3 meses sin salir de mi casa y pues todavía tenia a mi padre con vida y no quería que nada malo le pase, tuvo mucha precaución en la salida, llore mucho y le conté lo que pude. Seguimos en contacto por llamadas para el 2021, fuimos enamorados, digamos que llevo muchas cosas evitando desde niña, simplemente diciendo que yo debía ser fuerte, luego la separación de mis padres(era apegada a mi papá, pero cuando se fue con su nueva pareja me dejaba muchas veces plantadas y eso dolía, y luego un compromiso roto( porque a los 26 años estuve apunto de casarme pero embarazó a otra chica), no lloré, solo evitada vivir ese dolor, hasta que perdí a mi madre y esa fue la gota que rebalso el vaso y al mes siguiente de su perdida, me quede sin trabajo, me fui de picada, habían días que no dormía, no comía, parecía momia en mi cama mirando el techo, sin llorar, sin hablar y como en mi casa yo paraba sola, porque mi hermano se iba a trabajar (mi casa es de tres pisos, el primer y segundo piso eran de mi mamá y mío, el tercero de mi hermano y su familia) y cada quien en sus cosas, nadie sabia por lo que pasaba, hasta a fines del año me accidente, recién había entrado a un trabajo y 15 días después de haber ingresado me resbalo dentro del trabajo, tuve esguince en los dedos del pie derecho y me enyesaron, lo cual me dieron descanso de mes y medio. Estar en mi casa era una tortura porque me hacia pensar mucho, cosas malas por lo general, el vino a quedarse conmigo porque no había quien me ayude, ya que mi hermano no pintaba mucho aquí, se comió mucha mierda de mi parte y no lo voy a negar, tenia ansiedad y depresión y cada vez era peor, pero todo empezó cuando le encontré una conversación con una chica donde el decía que la extrañaba mucho y le mandaba una foto de su hijo( el tiene un hijo actualmente de 8 años), hablando un poco de él, siempre tuvo una vida cola cuando era mas joven, tuvo su hijo a los 25 por su mala cabeza, porque no tomaba su relación como sería, no había llevado a otras chicas a su casa, a la mamá de su hijo la llevo porque pues era la mamá del niño y por exigencia de los padres de ambos intentaron en llevar una relación, por el bien del niño, pero el nunca lo tomo así porque no la quería, todo esto me contó él y fue corroborado por su mamá, ya que tengo buena comunicación con ella, así que digamos que fui la primera chica que el presento formalmente por voluntad propia. Volviendo a la conversación que encontré, me volví loca, lo desperté a empujones y le grité y todo, ya sabía lo que era la traición, así que dije no puede ser otra vez, me explicó que no era nada malo, por todo lo que leí le dije que la chica estaba interesada, que si e la invitada o algo ella aceptaría, y escribí como si fuera el, así que si, tuve razón ella estaba sintiendo algo y le dije vez, porque él siempre ha sido muy coqueto al hablar y de bronca le escribí a un chico que sabia que sentía algo por mi, para demostrarle que si uno dice te extraño, es para dar a entender que siente algo por esa persona, lo escribí en delante de él, y la respuesta fue lo que yo dije, no sé si eso que hice estuvo bien, pero quería demostrarle y se lo dije, que si el puede yo también, es más, mientras el busca yo puedo elegir, lo dije de cólera, porque quería herirlo o que sintiera una milésima parte de los que yo sentía, desde ahí me volví insegura con él, cuestionaba todo y pelaba por todo, terminamos varias veces y volvimos varias veces, para el año nuevo volví a caer con el virus y el volvió a mi casa porque no había quien me cuide ya que los problemas respiratorios me tumban a la cama. Ese echo paso, pero yo seguía insegura, luego de tanto pensar decidí llevar terapia psicología y en medio de ese proceso, su supuesta mejor amiga tenia problemas con su esposo, que había conocido 4 meses atrás y ya se había casado, era muy libertina y eso no le gustaba a su esposo, era coqueta y le gustaba salir con amigos pero se lo escondía a su esposo, era alegré pero creo yo muy confianzuda, en carácter yo la veía a ella como la versión femenina de mi novio, eso era lo que yo pensaba, tontamente le dije que hay que apoyarla por lo que esta pasando( mi psicólogo me dijo que yo era demasiado empática y que tomaba los problemas de los demás como los míos y hasta el dolor sentía), una vez nos íbamos de paseo a la playa con mis amigos y le dije a mi novio para ir, todo ok, a mi circulo de amigos le gusta organizar todo con anticipación, así que ya teníamos reservado donde nos quedaríamos durante los 3 días que estaríamos. En la noche estaba en la casa de el que estaba alistando sus cosas y llama a amiga, diciendo que su esposo se fue y estaba triste y llorando, yo le dije a mi novio que podíamos ir a su casa a estar con ella porque sé que se siente y el acepto, pero antes de irnos me dijo que si era posible que pregunte donde nos íbamos a hospedar, si tenía un cuarto más para que invite a su amiga, cosa que no vi mal, ya que íbamos entre amigos, eso lo dijo en delante de su mamá, ella lo vio mal y cuando el se fue a su cuarto a tomar sus cosas, su mamá me dijo, no lo permitas, ustedes ya tienen una salida de parejas( mis amigos, son dos parejas de esposos, pero no lo vi mal, ya que cuando yo estaba soltera, salía con ellos y nunca me sentí como que sobraba, porque era salida de 5 amigos y no de dos parejas y yo) esa información la sabía su mamá, pero de igual forma lo vio mal y se lo dijo a él, cuando nosotros llegamos a la casa de la chica su mamá volvió a llamar y le dijo que no la invite, que eso esta mal y que piense si le gustaría que eso le hagan a su hermana, el dijo esta bien mamá no la pienso invitar, y ella concluyo diciendo respeta a la chica, la verdad que yo no tome nada malo que la invitará por todo lo que explique antes, nos fuimos los que ya habíamos planeado y ya, meses después incluso yo hablaba con ella porque seguía estando mal porque su esposo se fue y normal no había problema, pero luego empecé a notar ella le escriba todo lo que hacia a mi novio, incluso le manda fotos de lo que estaba haciendo, eso no me pareció y se lo dije pero el me dijo que solo lo hacia porque se sentía mal y sola, pues le dije que trate de buscar una amiga y de los problemas que se estaban calmando, empezaron nuevamente, discutíamos a causa de ella, porque siempre le escribía y trata de llamar cuando estaba conmigo, ya era incomodo y le dije que presentía que ella estaba buscando algo mas, cosa que el se molesto y me dijo, es mi mejor amiga de años como vas a pensar eso, le dije que cuando intuyo algo nunca me equivoco, y Dios sabe que siempre quiero equivocarme, pero nunca es así, una vez discutimos feo y le dije tu siempre la prefieres ella es mas que yo, entonces quédate con ella, esto se termina aquí, y me dijo que no, no era así que el me amaba pero que como me sentiría yo si el me dijera que deje a mi mejor amiga, a lo cual yo respondí, justamente yo tengo mejor amiga, si tengo un amigo, pero nunca lo puse antes que él, las cosas comenzaron como que a tranquilizarse pero yo seguía con esa intuición, dije tal vez me estoy haciendo a cabeza con esto y de repente no va al caso, cosa que un día me dice que iba a salir con ella que necesitaba hablarle ( ella a el), y dije bueno confiemos que esto no es otra cosa porque le acaba de dejar su esposo, y acepte que salieran, me llamo noche diciendo que ya iba a venir pero que ningún taxi la quería llevar a su casa y que ella estaba totalmente borracha, yo tontamente cuidando la integridad de mujer, le dije que no la podía mandar así sola, que la traiga a la casa y así fue, cuando llego tuve que ayudarla a sacar del taxi porque estaba totalmente borracha y se había dormido, tuve que llamar a mi hermano para que entre los dos la carguen y la acuesten en el sofá, a la mañana siguiente ella se fue temprano, yo estaba molesta por el estado en que llegó, no era prudente para una señorita, el también estaba borracho, la cosa que al día siguiente el tenia terapia física por su brazo que le duele, fuimos tranquilos y en lo que estamos volviendo una persona me escribe, una familiar y me pregunta que si estaba con mi novio, le dije que si, me dice si puede ver lo que me escribe, dije que no, ¿ por qué?, me dice que tiene algo que contarme y empieza diciendo que ella estuvo la noche de ayer en el mismo lugar que ellos, se me empezó a helar la sangre, sentí un bajón y lo que le digo, tienes algo que contarme de lo que paso ayer? y el responde que no, a lo que recalco, estas seguro? porque me estas escribiendo contándome algo de ti, así que prefiero que me digas tu, el muy tranquilo dice que no, a lo que me mandan un video y veo que ella bailaba como .... ya ustedes saben por todas las mesas y luego se acerca a el y le empieza a bailar a lo que el esta sentado y no se mueve ni nada, pero ella se acerca y por lo que parece le da un beso, se me bajo La presión y se me metió el demonio le dije su vida entera, hasta de lo que se iba a morir, y el me dice que no se acuerda de eso( en si yo sé que cuando el toma borra casset) le dije de todo y el me dijo que no se acuerda pero que están las evidencias y contra eso no puede hacer nada, me pidió perdón pero yo quería matarlo, estaba tan dolida e indignada, que me querían ver la cara de tonta, me dijo vamos a terapia de pareja, cosa que el se justificaba diciendo que no salió en ese plan y que no quería que pasará nada de eso, pero el psicólogo le dijo que debía de aceptar sus errores, si bien es cierto que no lo busco, pero debió evitar tomar así, si sabe que luego no recuerda nada. No se como seguí, pero esto me llevo a caer mas en mi ansiedad y depresión, yo se que no ha sido nada fácil lidiar con todo este huracán que soy me sentía muy insuficiente, que no valía para nada( esto ya lo sentía desde antes de que esto pasará), el dejo de vivir conmigo y se fue a su casa, le conté a su mamá lo que paso y me dio la razón le dijo que deje de hacerme perder el tiempo si es que no me quiere y lo comparo con su papá, cosa que le dolió mucho y llorando me dijo no soy igual que el, perdóname, haré todo lo posible para que confíes en mi, lo limite mucho, no podía salir con sus amigos, ni nada y siempre revisaba su celular, había dejado las terapias y cuando volví estaba tan mal que las psicológicas no bastaban, intente tomarme pastillas para no despertar jamás, ya estaba cansada de sentirme así, no solo por el si no por todo, ya no quería existir, llame a mi papá y le dije que lo quería mucho, estaba lista lista para irme, iba hacer algo que siempre pensé que las personas que lo hacían eran cobardes por tomar esa decisión, pero ya no podía mas con todo esto, me habían recetado pastillas para dormir, había buscado en internet y si tomas muchas de esas pastillas te podían ocasionar la muerte, yo creo que fue mi madre, mediante mi papá, llamo a mi novio que en ese momento, no lo era, y le dijo que venga a verme( mi papá vive muy lejos), mi novio empezó a llamarme pero no le contestaba, yo tenia miedo de lo que iba hacer y no sabia que mi papá lo había llamado y mucho menos que el estaba viniendo, como el todavía tenia la llave de la casa, entro y yo las escondí, le dije que que hacia aquí se vaya , no quería verlo, era un mar de llanto, el empezó a jalarme para llevarme al baño y mojarme para que me tranquilice, en eso vio la cantidad de pastillas que tenia, atinó abrazarme fuerte y lloramos los dos, no voy a negar que el ha estado en mis peores momentos, y cuando inicie terapia tenia miedo de darme cuenta que solo estaba con el por no estar sola, lo de esa noche solo lo sabemos él y yo, mi papá dice que esos que leen las cartas le dijo que yo podía atentar contra mi vida, así que se vino por dos semanas a vivir conmigo, estuvo pendiente de mi, intensifique mis terapias psicológicas y psiquiátricas, le puse empeño, descubrí que tenia un sentimiento para con él y no solo era por no estar sola, pero soy consiente que en este proceso de 3 años, el empezó a decaer, solo que no es de mostrarlo, este año se empezó a convivir mas con el niño, ya se queda en nuestra casa( volvió a vivir conmigo) y me siento mas estable y controlo mis temperamentos, cosa que no podía hacer antes, ya que me frustraba mucho y me cegaba que no entendía razones, empezamos hablar de los planes a futuro, le dije que yo quería tener un bebé y casarme a lo que el no se opuso, empecé a buscar EPS para mi, pero el tuvo un problemilla a lo que esta yendo a verse y lo del bebé se retrasará, así que le dije lo de casarnos primero, y es donde empezó los problemas, lo que no me gusta que siempre e pregunto para hacer algo o ir y el dice que si, pero luego dice yo no quería, y entonces digo por qué carajos dices que si, si te estoy preguntando, nunca da respuestas concisas, siempre he tomado yo las decisiones y he dicho que pasos avanzar, total que en una mañana me dice que no esta seguro lo del bebé, y le dije bueno es algo que no te puedo hacer cambiar, pero tu tampoco a mi, así que mejor dejemos esto aquí, me dolió mucho, si bien es cierto al inicio de todo no me sentía capaz de esto, así que le dije que yo no quería hijos, pero mientras transcurría mi terapia cambie de parecer, y le dije que estaba dudando con lo de no tener hijos, a lo cual me dijo que no tenía problema, luego le dije que si quería, a lo cual estuvo de acuerdo, porque le pregunte pero cambio las cosas ahora, así que el hablo conmigo, que el a dicho duda por todo lo que hemos pasado, pero que no ha dicho que no, y lo de la boda no es algo que el a tocado, y por el problema que él se esta haciendo revisar, también deben de hacerme unos estudios a mi, como dije antes el había tenido una vida loca, eso esta yendo por buen camino por parte de el, pero yo no me he hecho todos los estudios, solo uno porque si bien es cierto yo estoy estudiando y el se encarga de los gastos de la casa, y de los animales ya que tenemos 2 perras y dos gatos, yo solo de mis estudios, entonces fue algo que entendí, pero hace poco su hermana le pidió prestado plata, como 5 mil soles, no pensé que le prestaría a lo que la semana pasada me llama emocionado y me dice que le presto, a lo que yo me resentí porque me dijo " con mi sueldo y unos ahorros que tengo le he prestado a mi hermanita", y yo dije por qué no agarraste de esos ahorros para mis estudios, y el se molesto, que me llamaba con tanta emoción y que yo lo apagaba así, le trate de explicar de la manera mas calmada que el tiene que priorizar a su familia que esta formando, que esos estudios son mas improtantes que prestar y es un tema que no he termiando de hablar con el y sigo resentida por eso, hable con una amiga y le dije lo que pensaba hacer, ya que me falta 1 año para terminar de estudiar, y este ciclo acaba en diciembre, esperar hasta diciembre para decirle a la universidad que me convalide hasta estos cursos, poner en pause mis estudios porque pienso temrinar con él, y con mi sueldo no me va alcanzar solventar todo de la casa y de los animales y encima estudiar, habia tomado esa decisión el viernes, porque el nunca reconoce su error sea cual sea, y estoy cansada de lidiar siempre con eso, pero este fin de semana, volvió hacer lo que era, para que tengan contexto la mamá del niño empezó a joder desde que se entero que tenia pareja( ellos estan separados desde que el niño tenía 3) y el ultimo mes no lo he visto porque a la mamá no le da la gana, desde que se entero que mi novio vive conmigo, no lo ha dejado venir, el iba a verlo, pero ayer se quedo con nosotros y esta teniendo actitudes que le pedía( cabe recalcar que ultimo hemos tenido problemas también porque no tenemos tiempo de calidad como pareja)pero no me puedo dejar llevar por unos días, y todo esto me esta taladrando la cabeza, porque creo que nunca llegaré a formar mi familia y ser mamá, ya que tengo 31 años y no puedo esperar mucho tiempo, y es algo que el no entiende, y no se que hacer, yo lo amo pero no puedo estar viviendo en esta incertidumbre de no saber que pasará, ¿ a donde estamos yendo?, ¿Qué paso con la boda?, se que el ahora esta con la ansiedad y no es que yo este bien del todo pero si mejor que él, y también pienso que así como el me apoyo, yo debería hacerlo o tal vez no, ¿ qué debería hacer?

I was away from the Catholic faith, formally, for over a decade. I was denied Confirmation by my custodial parent (involved in occultism) and I felt too ashamed to move forward with it in my 20s. Now in my 30s, I discussed my situation with the abbot at a local monastery and he pointed me to a particular parish. I made an appointment with the pastor and surrendered my entire soul to him about my journey back to the faith. He stated that he would not require RCIA and that he would let "the Holy Spirit" guide me in terms of when I could get Confirmed, either this fall or next spring. It was left at him connecting me to his office staff to get the process rolling for a convalidation and then Confirmation.
Two months passed, with multiple attempts at follow up, but there was nothing.
Finally, I reached out to the staff, personally.
I heard back from the person in charge of convalidations and made arrangements to meet.
The person in charge of Adult Confirmations responded to me, stating I would be required to attend RCIA through next spring, and wanting to set up a time to discuss. I agreed to meet and then let this person know what the pastor said about RCIA. This staff member stopped responding to me and missed our appointment.
After a lot of prayer and reflection, I decided to anonymously reach out to another parish in the same diocese. Without disclosing what parish I was attending, I gave details about the trouble I'd faced and asked for spiritual direction in terms of Confirmation. The clergy responded, inviting me to take part in their Adult Confirmation process and to finally be Confirmed in late November.
A little over a week later, the staff member I met for convalidations did their interview with me and my husband. In terms of scheduling the convalidation, I mentioned I'd be getting Confirmed in late November. The staff member gave a deep, annoyed sigh, asking me where that was going to happen.
I did not disclose the parish name, but I told them everything else that I've discussed above. They started saying, "Well, I'm not supposed to say.... well, I'm not surprised...ugh, do YOU want to get Confirmed with a bunch of 8th graders in December? I imagine not."
Thinking the question was a little odd, I joked, "Well, I've always been the tallest kid..."
This staff member, more visibly annoyed, continued with, "We don't know what to think about adults seeking confirmation. It's like.. where have you been? Why were you lazy?! What's going on?! You're suspicious!"
My knee-jerk reaction was to start with, "Well, WHEN YOUR MOTHER'S IN THE OCCULT..." but I remained calm. I did not explain anything to them, because that's not any of their business. That's between God, the pastor, and me.
The staff member went on to try to tell me that the pastor didn't have the authority to exempt me, which is very wrong. I know this from the other parish's clergy as well as learning about the diocese guidelines for Adult Confirmation myself.
Magically, the staff member that had ghosted me followed up within an hour after this meeting. I let them know that I was seeking Confirmation elsewhere.
------------
The entire dialogue has been sitting heavily on my conscience. How many people have given up on God because of this attitude? How many people have gone to other Christian denominations?
Not coincidentally, without saying anything to anyone about the conversation, a friend of mine disclosed they were baptized Catholic but left the faith prior to Confirmation after she was wrongfully ousted for being raised by a single mother.
Had any of this happened to me five years ago, I would've said goodbye to Catholicism again.
This is shameful.

Me and my wife have been married 7 years through a civil marriage. She is from Mexico and raised catholic. I was not but am in RCIA now.
My wife was an au pair when we got married and would have had to go back to Mexico if we didn't do a quick ceremony for the visa process. She wasn't very strong in her faith back then either so we didn't plan for a wedding.
So now we are set to do a convalidation in December but we're concerned that is won't be like an actual catholic wedding. We invited many people and want to have it be like a full wedding with readings and music. We never had a wedding so we want to have the full experience!
I'm going to talk to our priest about it just wanted to know if anyone had full sacramental ceremony for a convalidation and if that can be worked out with the priest. Again this is a mixed marriage with two baptized Christians one catholic and other Christian but not confirmed.

Who do people typically invite to a convalidation ceremony? My husband and and I are civilly married and we have decided to have a convalidation ceremony in about 6 months. I’m assuming people usually keep this a pretty small and intimate ceremony? What do the bride and groom wear? I’m curious what others experiences have been with this. Thank you!!

First, pictures! All photos credit to Jessica Hill Photography.
Strap in because I am nothing if not overly verbose. These super detailed recaps were so helpful to us as we were budgeting and planning, I want to pass along as much information as possible.
If you want the llama recap, it’s towards the end.
Wedding date and location: October 23rd, 2021 at St. Mary’s Cathedral and The Eleanor in Portland, Oregon (where we live)
About us: Early 30s with well-paying professional jobs, homeowners, minimal debt, no kids
Link to other recap: 2020 Minimony
The Vibe: This was our big, ‘official’ wedding after our COVID minimony in 2020 and we didn’t change any of our original plans after postponement. We ‘convalidated’ our marriage in the catholic church which is the same exact ceremony as a regular wedding except the legal license is already signed. The theme for this wedding was “elegant rager”. We wanted to have a big party to celebrate our relationship with our friends and family that love and support us. Months later, we are still getting comments about how much fun everyone had at our wedding.
Headcount
Original invite list (pre-covid): 185 (estimated 140 attending and used that number for budgeting & quotes)
Actually invited: 150
RSVPs: 80
Attended: 69 (nice)
When submitting our catering headcount, three of the 80 were probably ‘declines’ but we added them to the catering headcount just in case (FIL, his caretaker, and our priest). We had four week-of drop outs and day-of we had three no-shows and one aunt who left after the ceremony + family pictures.
A COVID postponement meant that we were able to trim our guest list quite a bit. I think if we hadn’t had a postponed wedding, we would have been somewhere ~120 people and would have blown this budget - based on the food & alcohol costs, I think we would have come closer to $35K.
The Day: After my ‘meh’ feelings about our minimony, I’m so glad this one went off pretty much without a hitch. Besides the two small hiccups below, everything went extremely well. We had an awesome vendor team who crushed it and allowed me and my husband to step back and enjoy the day.
What went wrong:
Our DOC called us Thursday night and let us know she was sick. She wouldn’t get the results of her COVID test for 24-48 hours and wouldn’t be able to coordinate our wedding. She had a backup all primed and ready to go, but I was obviously stressed and a bit sad that we were going into the weekend with a person we hadn’t even met. In the mild chaos of our DOC getting sick, we had a few week-of drops that allowed us to rearrange the table seatings a bit. The new seating layout got lost in the shuffle and two friends had to sit at the vendor table because their table was full. They’re planning their wedding so it was good networking for them, but I felt pretty bad.
The church was a bit of a cluster. They’re sticklers on time - we actually started early, then as I was getting ready to walk down the aisle with my parents, the church coordinators realized the priest wasn’t standing at the altar so one of them had to run down the side of the church to get him. My husband and I didn’t study the ceremony closely enough to know what was supposed to happen so we were surprised by the order (the kiss isn’t the very end of the ceremony). It’s hilarious now and after all of the planning stress about the reception, the one thing I wasn’t worried about was the church and it was the chaotic one.
COVID
In October, Oregon still had an indoor mask mandate and masks were required for all guests when not eating or drinking. Since masks were required, it had the effect of naturally weeding out most of our un-vaxxed family members and friends because they didn’t want to mask up. I’ll be completely honest and say that once the alcohol started flowing, the mask compliance was nonexistent. But no one got COVID so that’s a relief.
Costs & Budget
Budget: $30,000
Actual Spend: $27,785
Both our sets of parents contributed financially, with 40% coming from their combined contributions and 60% coming from our savings. We used a HYSA for our savings account - we like Marcus by Goldman Sachs but have also heard good things about Ally.
Budget Breakdown:

Category	Budget	Actual
Church	$1,500	$2,350
Reception	$3,000	$1,500
Food & Bar (+ Rentals)	$10,500	$8,787
Photographer	$4,000	$4,200
Attire	$1,500	$2,279
DJ	$1,000	$995
Decor & Floral	$1,500	$2,050
Planner	$1,500	$1,428
Paper	$500	$556
subtotal	$25,000	$24,144
Slush Fund	$5,000	$3,641
Total	$30,000	$27,785

The slush fund bucket was a big unlock for our budget. After reading a lot of recaps on here and noticing the budget creep that inevitably happens, I knew we weren’t going to hit the $25k perfectly so we added 20% overage as a ‘slush fund’ bucket. We felt comfortable with the $30k overall budget but didn’t feel so constricted or stressed when we inevitably ran over in a few categories or realized we didn’t account for something when laying out the initial budget.
Venues
Church: $2,350
St. Mary’s Cathedral. Included: use of church ($1,600), church wedding planners ($400), organist ($250), honorarium for priest ($100).
Reception: $1,500
The Eleanor. We chose this venue because they are lax on restrictions, it’s located four blocks from the church, and was under budget. It included use of the space from 7am - Midnight but since their calendar is wide open, we were able to get into the space Friday to put up lights and drop off decorations/alcohol, and then were able to leave the leftover alcohol and decorations after the reception ended Saturday night to pick up on Sunday morning.
When we booked with them in February 2020, the price was $2,500. After we postponed, we re-visited the space in April 2021 as we were beginning to plan again and learned they actually decreased the price for 2021 to $1,500 and let us re-sign our contract at that price. A note that the person handling their events was not responsive at all - it’s a family business and we ended up with four different people on our email/call list when we needed something. They came through when it counted though and were really flexible to work with.
Food & Bar: $8,787
Catering: $5,285
Cheryl’s on 12th / As Good as it Gets Catering. We had three passed apps for cocktail hour, then buffet-style service with one entree, two sides, salad, and rolls (+ a vegan option for our veggie/gluten-free/dairy-free guests). Aside from food, the price included bartenders, servers, a catering captain, bar fee, and the service fee. We paid a small price per person to bring in our own alcohol and we definitely saved money verus Cheryl’s providing the alcohol and charging on consumption. All of the food was great. We had chicken piccata for dinner and my biggest fear was ‘dry wedding chicken’ and it was good - definitely not dry.
Rentals: $2,705
Party Place. The Eleanor didn’t include any furniture, nor did our catering come with any sort of flatware, plates, etc so we had to rent everything. Our catering manager coordinated directly with the rental company for placeware counts once we picked out what we wanted. We also got a small 10% discount through our wedding planner. Rentals included: tables, chairs, linens, plates, silverware, glassware, cake stand, cupcake platters, keg coolers, the bar, cocktail tables, delivery, setup and takedown.
Alcohol: $420
We offered three beer options and four wine options. We got our kegs from a local distributor and our wine was a gift from my aunts (not included in total, but ~$1k).
Dessert: $379
Saint Cupcake. 160 mini cupcakes plus the delivery fee was $335. We bought a small cutting cake and a dozen vegan cupcakes at a local grocery store for $44.
Other Vendors
Photographer: $4,200
Jessica Hill Photo. Our original package included an engagement shoot and two shooters for 8 hours of coverage. After adjusting to accommodate our budget for the 2020 ceremony, the new coverage was seven hours from Jess and six from a second shooter. This was our number one priority and our budget reflects that. Jess is super awesome to work with and I would 100% recommend her to anyone.
DJ: $995
NW Mobile DJs. We had one conversation with the owner Kevin and after telling him we wanted “a fucking rager of a party”, and he sent Richard. Richard fucking killed it. The dance floor was full all night. We were supposed to pay extra for lights but he still brought some. Included five hours of coverage with the option to extend during the reception if we wanted.
Day of Coordinator: $1,428
Alston Mayger Events. I cannot recommend Ashley enough. She is extremely organized and understands all of the little details that are needed to bring a wedding to life. All we had to do was show up to our own wedding and she took care of the rest of the details and she KILLED IT. Aside from the wedding planning and execution, Ashley truly cares for all of her couples on a human level and checks in months after the wedding is over. I know she’s raised her prices since we booked her - I think her DOC package is $2k now.
If you’ve read this far, you know we had to have a backup DOC step in because Ashley was sick. Cindy from Peachy Keen Coordination stepped in and took over our wedding 48 hours out. She was able to execute flawlessly - I’m sure some things went wrong but we never knew about anything.
Looking back, this is a place I would allocate more budget. After the stress of planning and executing our 2020 minmony, the complete lack of stress this year was just a godsend.
Attire: $2,279
First Dress + Alterations: $569
Groom’s Outfit - Suit, Shirt, Tie & Shoes: $530 (Macy’s - Includes Alterations)
2020 Bride Outfit (Dress, Veil, Alterations): $227
Third (and final) Dress + Alterations: $750
Bride Accessories: $121 (Veil: $86 -JJ’s House, Earrings: $35)
Dry Cleaning: $212
My first dress was purchased in February 2020. Obviously a lot happened, and I didn’t like it anymore and felt that my style had changed. I was on the lookout for another one but figured I could wear my 2020 minimony dress again in a pinch. I managed to find my dress ~2 months out at Brides for a Cause. Husband got his suit at Macy’s and had it altered in-house right before COVID shut everything down and it was a great affordable option.
Decorations & Floral: $2,050
Lighting: $875
We worked with Greenlight Creative to bring in string lights to highlight the natural wood ceiling in the venue and give it a cozy fall feel. This was something we did not originally anticipate or budget for, which caused us to go over budget in this category.
Floral: $430
Tracy from Woodland Floral did our flowers last year and we loved them so much, we had her do them again and a friend who lives in Bend, OR drove them up for us. Included: bridal bouquet, 5 boutineers, and two corsages. This was not a priority category for us and a place we had planned to save a bit of money.
Reception Decor: $746
Includes: centerpieces, votives + candles, photo frames, table number holders, guest book + pens, custom cocktail napkins of our dog, masks, hand sanitizer, Avery paper templates for table numbers, glow sticks, etc. We kept the centerpieces simple with fake arrangements from Michaels and a few votives at each table. We numbered the tables and named them after places we’ve traveled together to give them a bit of a personal touch. The cocktail napkins with our dog’s face on them were a big hit. We ordered them so we didn’t have to rent plates for apps or dessert, but they ended up being another great personal touch.
Paper: $556
Includes: wedding website url, save the dates, stamps, thank you cards, zazzle black membership, invites, address labels, program paper, and printer ink. For paper save the dates, invites, thank yous, and custom napkins we used Zazzle. I paid for a Zazzle Black membership to get free shipping for the year and we definitely got our money’s worth. We utilized a lot of the Avery products/templates to DIY our signage. We printed reception signs, table numbers, escort cards, and ceremony programs ourselves on our home printer.
Slush Fund: $3,641
Wedding Llamas: $850
The Wedding Llamas are a Portland thing. They are therapy llamas that come to events and all of the money goes back to the farm where they rescue and train them. We’d seen them around at other events and although my husband was a bit hesitant on the idea, it was definitely the highlight of the wedding. We didn’t tell anyone that they were coming and seeing the faces of our guests when they walked in and saw them was priceless. You get 90 minutes with them, so we were able to take photos with just us before cocktail hour started and then they stayed through cocktail hour for our guests to mingle and take photos. We have no special ties to llamas in particular, but we figured if we were going to ask everyone to come to Portland for a wedding, we’re going to do a very Portland thing.
HMUA: $700
Blossom and Beauty. This covered hair and makeup for me, makeup for my mom, plus a trial. Since we did not have any sort of bridal party, getting someone to cover just me was a task. It took a lot of searching to find someone and I paid more than I wanted to, but my HMUA did a wonderful job.
Hotel: $417
Even though our house is only 15 minutes from the venues, we reserved a suite so we were on site with my parents and most of my family and our friends. We were a 3 min drive from the church/reception space. My husband also used it as his getting ready space.
Reserved Street Parking + Sign Rental: $91
We didn’t need this, but the peace of mind that we would have parking for our vendors right out front was great.
Rehearsal Dinner: $862
We had our immediate families, Best Man, Man of Honor, and our readers attend along with their significant others.
Tips: $350
We tipped servers, bartenders, DJ, catering captain, and both our DOCs.
Other things we did that don’t fit above:

• Friday night open house. We ended up having ~80% of the wedding attend. It was such a great opportunity to catch up with so many people outside of the wedding.
• My parents rented “the hospitality suite” at the hotel to have a place for people to hang out. This is definitely a “know your crowd” type of situation, but my family tends to ‘gather’ so having a place for people to go that wasn’t someone’s hotel room was super nice for everyone.
• My parents hosted a very casual Sunday brunch. While they had their room for another day, my husband and I didn’t fully think through needing to be checked out by 11 for our room. This led to a bit of scrambling because people were still hanging out but we had to check out and go pick up decorations at the reception space.
• We had a ‘no one at our house’ rule. I felt bad that my family wanted to see our house but it was a mess, our best man was living with us at the time, and see above about ‘gathering’. We knew if we let people come up to the house, they would never leave and we wanted to be able to have a separate space away from the madness.

If you’ve read all of this, kudos to you! Happy to answer questions and my DMs are always open.

Hi all,
Something is weighing on my heart and I could use some outside perspective. I apologize for the length of this post ahead of time and ask you please read to the end.
Background: My husband has worked for his company for the past 18 years. For the last six of those years he has been trying to get a different position with the company. Each time he makes it to the final round of interviews, it comes down to him and one or two other people and we wouldn’t get the job. Last year, after once again, it coming down to one other person and the other person getting it and gave it all to God. He prayed that should God want him in a position, that he would wait and allow God to bring it to him. He would be content where God had placed him for the time being and wait on God’s timing. Greg got an email from HR one day that said that it had been requested that he apply for a position as a senior systems analyst. Now understand that my husband had been resetting passwords and doing some side projects up until this point. He was in no way qualified for this position. Yet, he trusted God and applied anyway. He went through the interview process and was told that he wasn’t qualified for the position, but if he was willing to start below paygrade for entry level system analyst, they would like to offer him a position and move him into a entry level systems analyst role. That job was based out of an office 750 miles away. While a move wasn’t required we felt God tugging for us to go. We prayed and put our mobile home on the market (needed a cash buyer who also got park approval) and trusted that if God wanted us to move He would make a way. We had four cash offers within 24 hours of our open house. We again prayed for guidance and chose one of the offers to accept. That person was approved by the park immediately and their offer was contingent upon the inspection. Inspector said that it was the most boring inspection report he’s ever had to write. The buying agent, selling agent and title company said that they have never seen a closing go so smoothly.
In the process of this move, God has also called us back to the Catholic church after 20+ years in an Independent Christian church. *we were very surprised by this. In speaking with the Deacon at the Parish, it is very clear that it is the Holy Spirit calling us.* My husband is starting RCIA on Sunday and we have an appointment at the church to discuss convalidation of our marriage.
I am having trouble discerning what God has for me here. I moved away from my family and friends and gave up my career for this move. In that church I was in the process of starting a Christian arts ministry for folks who felt that God was calling them to be creative, but who were burying that talent and creativity because they felt that they were not being called to create religious/sacred art or that they should deny the desire to create because they had a calling to be raising children, homeschooling, caring for aging parents or providing for family etc.. I really feel strongly that God was and is calling me to do this.
Topics to be discussed were that we are all created in the image of a creator God. That God gives us the desires of our hearts: If God gave you the desire to woodwork, sculpt, write, make music, paint, draw etc.. then you need to listen to that. That There was a section on the parable of the talents and how burying a gift God That God delights in seeing his children create. That creating can be a personal form of worship. That inviting the Holy Spirit into your creative process becomes a conversation between you and God and as such God becomes a part of your work. That by honoring who God created us to be, we bring Glory to God. By burying it and denying that part of ourselves, we are not different than the last servant in the parable of the talents. When God gifts us in an area, he intends for us to use that gift. There was also to be a large component of lifting each other up in prayer and encouraging each other in creating with the Holy Spirit.
*I have experimented with creating without inviting the Holy Spirit into my process and every single time, people who know my work can tell I did that. They tell me "something is missing" but they can't put their finger on what.
I am not sure that this type of ministry would be possible in the Catholic church. *I could be wrong here.*
What are your thoughts and what would could that look like if I am wrong? It's one thing to approach a small independent Christian church about starting a ministry. It is quite another to get approval from the Catholic church for such a thing as it isn't something that can be just done at the Parish level.
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I know it’s been hard to talk or think about weddings lately but I think other couples may find our postponement and small ceremony helpful as they make or change plans. I first want to acknowledge that we are really, really lucky to have our immediately family nearby, parents with the space to host, and the financial ability to afford a second event.
 
My fiance and I got engaged in the beginning of January 2019 after 7 years together. He proposed with a ring I chose from this Esty shop. It’s moissanite and beautiful and cost him $1,200 (We did not include the cost of this ring in our wedding budget. It’s also the only wedding item he paid for.)
Original Plan:
Where: Harriet Island Pavilion, Saint Paul, Minnesota. (Ceremony at a local Catholic Church)
When: April 25th, 2020
Who: 273 of our nearest and dearest. (Venue cap at 275)
Budget: $23,000 ($10,000 from parents, the rest from my savings). Obviously, we didn’t have the event so that number isn’t exact.
 
By March 15th it was becoming painfully clear we weren’t going to have the event as we had planned it. I started making contingency plans and reaching out to vendors to see what we could do. Everyone was really understanding and we were able to rebook all our vendors for May 1st, 2021 for minimal additional fees.
We knew we wanted to get married now but, for us, having our parents and siblings present was the most important thing. We felt weird about holding our ceremony in the middle of the lockdown but we had to have it before my fiance started his medical residency in early June. We waited until restrictions were being lifted in our state and picked May 23rd. We talked to our priest, and he talked to the archbishop, and got the tentative go ahead to hold the ceremony outside a Catholic Church (which is normally a big no-no). All our guests promised to be extra socially distant the two weeks leading up to and after our ceremony in order to decrease the risk of transmission.
 
New Plan: Photo’s first!
Where: My fiance's parents house. Ceremony outside, dinner on the screened in porch.
When: May 23rd, 2020
Who: 13 immediate family members (+ our photographer and 2 family friend musicians who played from 20 feet away during the ceremony)
Actual Cost: $2,600 (paid for by us) Here’s that broken down:
Food: $295 We got take and bake meals from our favorite restaurant plus salad, bread, and apps. And cheesecake!
Drinks: $100 We had gin gimlets, champagne, and wine. We have plenty of leftovers!
Photographer: $300 (because restriction has been loosened, our photographer was able to attend. She was fantastic and I’d recommend her to any twin cities bride)
Officiant: $35 Our priest backed out last minute because the archbishop never gave him the final approval (he was too busy trying to reopen churches early despite the governor’s orders and the whole, you know, pandemic thing) My fiance’s sister stepped in and did a wonderful job. We worked together to write a ceremony script, vows, and chose new readings in record time. We're still hoping to have our marriage convalidated and hold a vow renewal next year in the church but we'll see.
Attire: $800. My fiance's suit was $275 and he’ll wear it again next year. My dress was $150, secondhand BHLND from craiglist, with $275 worth of alterations. (I had it taken in, the back opened, I hand-beaded straps/belt that was added, and hem shortened). I may or may not wear this dress again next year.
Rings: $766. These were from a local jewelry. Mine was custom to fit my engagement ring. Obviously, we will use these rings for wedding 2.0
Music: $200. We had a violinist and a flautist so they could play Concerning Hobbits to walk into.
Decor: $100. Almost everything was DIY. I had made/purchased everything for our original plan so I had more than enough items to go over the top with our decor. This cost only reflects what we used. Here’s what we used that day: handmade copper arch, hand-dyed cheesecloth table runners and ceiling draping, led candles, fairy lights, goblet vases.
Flowers: $20. All the flowers are handmade from crepe paper (I did not factor what my time is worth into this estimate!) I had made literally thousands of flowers and greenery over the last year. Luckily, they keep forever so I can use my bouquet and centerpieces for wedding 2.0. I might do a full post/breakdown/instruction on this if people are interested (and as crazy as I was to take this on).
Besides the flowers, here are some DIY details I’m especially proud of:

• I made my earring and wore them over the pearl studs my mom wore for her wedding. I also made my hairpiece but forgot to take pictures of it.
  
• The vases cost $2 a piece. Shout out to this post that showed me how to make them from dollar tree supplies.
  

 
Overall, I wouldn’t have had our wedding any other way. I’m looking forward to the vow renewal and party next year but for now I’m content to be married to the person I chose. All in all, we spent about $900 that we wouldn’t have spent if we had gone ahead with our original plan. We’ll probably spend at least another $500 on various unplanned expenses (new save the dates, invites, maybe a jumpsuit for me) for our wedding 2.0.
 
I didn’t mean to write a novel but I was trying to be thorough! Let me know if you have questions or comments!

My parents were the absolute worst people in my life. Consistent, not just constant, fights; bouts of drunkenness; abuse against my siblings and I. I escaped them to live a better life.
I am set to receive a convalidation on Saturday, and my parents decided to blow up on me and my wife and insisted they were never invited, when they new about the dates before I even did. We were going to even have it back home until I got orders to deploy and had to push up the date. We did want them there. But they told us that they couldn’t be there for it.
I extended the olive branch to try and make peace. I offered to pay almost $1300 to have one of them come down here. They outright rejected it and continued their tirade against me. That was the last straw. I told my parents I never want to see them again.
Please.
Good Catholics of the world, I’m begging you to please pray for my parents. I prayed to God and He spoke to me to tell me I was to tell them about their transgressions. I wanted to explain it to them and tell them that I didn’t hold it against them. I wanted them to understand I love them and that I understand the situation. It was supposed to be a good thing. However, that ship has sailed, and I will be okay. But they need your prayers. Please, help them to see that we truly did want them here and I love them.

A few months ago I posted here about the issues I discovered re: my marriage, basically that my 10-year civil marriage (we went to a justice of the peace) that we had when I was a fallen away Catholic (and she was a fallen away Methodist) did not have proper form and was therefore invalid. Since I returned to the faith a little more than a year ago, I read the rules and talked to a priest and found out I needed a convalidation. Until then, my wife and I were to live as brother and sister in our home, where we live with our young daughter.
Some folks told me I should be able to have the convalidation done in a couple of weeks, but our priest wanted to meet with us over several months and talk to us about the faith. He also encouraged us, but didn't require us, to treat this like a "real" wedding, inviting family etc, since we didn't do that the first time. At first we thought this might seem silly, as most people we know know us as a married couple, including all our family (we've been a couple for 18 years). But since this all started in February, we warmed up to the idea. I'll note that we did "skip" a lot of the typical marriage prep stuff that our parish does with other couples, given that we had been together so long. We mostly prayed and talked theology (my favorite readings we discussed were from JPII's Theology of the Body).
Yesterday, we had a wedding with our closest family and friends, in the parish church where we've been attending Mass every week. My father in law got to walk his daughter down the aisle and my parents got to see me get married in the same building they were married some decades ago. We got to exchange vows and rings and declare our covenant in front of those closest to us and in the presence of God and His holy Church.
But that's not all! We also had my child baptized right after the marriage. We recessed from the altar back to the baptismal font and started the new rite. I brought my precious baby into the Church and renewed my own baptismal promises. It was one of the proudest and my joyful moments of my life. We invited God into our relationship and the life of our daughter.
I wanted to share this personal story with this community in order to inspire us and show a positive message of what can happen when you are obedient to Church teaching even when you don't understand, when you endeavor to understand and dedicate yourself to prayer, when you trust in the community established by Christ.
Of course I don't recommend my path. I recommend following the Church's teachings from the beginning. But for anyone who finds themselves astray I want to proclaim that there is always a way back.

My STBX and I just decided to divorce on Monday. It's mutual and surprisingly he has been pretty easy to deal with compared to how he treated me during our marriage. It's amazing what standing up for yourself can do.
We were planning our convalidation (Catholic Church wedding after a civil union) to occur next month. We sent out save the dates 6 months ago. How to we/I tell my family?
I'm not big on social media and many family members don't have accounts. I don't have everyone's email. The only thing I can think of to reach everyone would be to send something in the mail. We send save the dates to over 100 of my family members. His family lives in another country and received theirs electronically. I also live a minimum of a 5 hour plane trip from the majority of my extended family. The ones who we know purchased non-refundable plane tickets have been notified by phone and invited to a Thanksgiving dinner.
If I do send something in the mail, what should I say? "STBX and I have decided not to move forward with the wedding at this time, in fact, we're getting a divorce. Questions may be directed in person during Christmas dinner /s"

Hello there, greetings from middle America. I am not new to this subreddit, this is my first post. I feel it might be time to come forward with my conversion (one of you may have requested I do so) tale. After some mighty prayin’ for the Holy Spirit to work through me on this, I will put forth my best efforts at adequately transcribing my experience of coming to the Catholic Church.
I was a theist the entirety of my upbringing. I’m unbaptized, my family didn’t do faith or God. We worshipped the gods of sun, boating, and scuba most Sundays. Aside from a short stint where we attended a Methodist Church (I think), we never even broached the subject of higher powers. I wonder what compelled my parents those few months of my childhood. A small jump forward, a move from the coast inland, a divorce when I was 13 years old, very little in the way of support or rearing. I started dabbling in yoga and meditation, seeking to feel grounded somewhere. I found peace and God in meditation. This didn’t become a driving force in my life, rather something I turned to when all was beyond control (in the most unruly way) and I needed solace.
A jump forward to college. I found a Methodist church my sophomore year to get involved in after an experience in nature that firmly fortified my knowledge of a singular God who seemed to care about me. This church near my campus had a painted yellow side door, this was their college ministry trademark, the yellow door. It worked for me, my curiosity piqued. I inquired. I acquired a Bible, the NLV, a gift from my Nazarene boyfriend’s family. So I studied a bit, feeling certain that some major truth or another would leap off the pages at me. I was pleased reading about what Jesus had to say, but felt that the Old Testament was wacky. While I became close to my pastor and his family, this didn’t become a faith home for me, I was soon slipping back into New Age notions of God as a cosmic force and impersonal.
I met my (civil) husband my last year on campus. This is where my journey to Catholicism begins. My husband and I had a whirlwind early romance. We met specifically through a mutual friend but generally ran with the same crowd. Our relationship was immediately and intensely sexual. We spent a few days connected at the hip(s) before he said: “I feel like I could love you, thus I must flee” nearly word for word. It wasn’t long before he did. It was on and off for ages, agonizing ages (truly, less than a year). After one of our reunions he left to tour the U.S. with his band, coast to coast. We built up our relationship into, well, a relationship. The distance was maddening. At this point, I was nearing the end of my application into the Peace Corps.
We moved in together. He re-enrolled in school to become a secondary English teacher. I stayed on another semester, mostly so we could walk to campus together, meet for lunch, share a yoga class, walk home, stop for frozen yogurt, cook a meal. Also so I could earn a minor to my degree. We were at a complete loss as to what we would do when I left for Central or South America (my likely placement). If it was meant to work out, it would. We planned his visiting, and my journeying home annually. The day that I received my medical clearance, which is the last hoop before receiving placement, (and I do mean, the very exact same day), I was diagnosed with Melanoma.
Guys, I know. Woah. My invitation to serve was most expediently rescinded. We were so relieved. And destroyed. I was 23 when I was diagnosed, the youngest my oncologist had personally treated with such a diagnosis. So I was operated on to remove the affected tissue (read: tumor, you can say this like Arnold, the comedic relief will be good). The next day we adopted a cat, wtf I know. It was in the agreement: “if for some reason the Peace Corps doesn’t pan out, can we get a cat?” George, partial Maine Coon joined our family. One month later I was pregnant, contracepting chemically no less.
So we were going to have a baby, no questions there. We decided a move from the City was in order. I gave my notice at work 7 months pregnant and we moved our lives to a University town an hour away. My husband transferred to said University. The week before we moved we married civilly in an outdoor ceremony. So hot and muggy, so pregnant, do not recommend. I continued deeply meditating throughout my pregnancy, looking for God in the creative process I was a part of, assuring my baby of our love for him/her, our commitment to his/her wellbeing. I ate well and took my vitamins, I exercised. I gave birth to a 9.5 lb baby boy at home with my husband and midwife present (for real, that story is in my history if you’re interested). I found myself not adhered to time during my labor and post-partum period. I was weepily enchanted with this new life, with my body’s ability to birth and nurse. I was immediately in God’s palm.
My husband is Catholic, until four months ago he was not practicing. I would joke with my family and friends about just how Catholic his family was “he has twenty-plus cousins, isn’t that nuts?”, “his aunt used to be a nun, how quaint!” This past winter, let’s say January, I was reading some about God, (Mirabai Starr’s God of Love for the inquiring mind), when my prayer life was re-ignited. One afternoon country drive with my husband and son, I fought, with difficulty, through a lump in my throat, and I managed to croak, “what about God?” We were both spiritual. We had already established a circle of friends in the Catholic community where we lived (providence, more on this shortly). And we decided that it wouldn’t be an awful thing to go to a Catholic church, if we ever decided to join a religion, because, you know, the community was already there for us. I wasn’t a Christian at this time, nor my husband.
After much discussion (at this point I was incessant, we had to establish boundaries about how frequently I could say “God”), we determined that we did want a spiritual life for our family. We didn’t know how that would look, or what we believed. I continued prayers for guidance, prayers for my husband’s heartfelt longing for God’s Truth. In the midst of my seeking, I bumped into a couple of other young mothers at our library’s story time. I was immediately content, not nervous (it can be socially awkward to attempt making friends over the common ground of baby-rearing). And though I was truly set with my own “tribe” of mom friends, I leapt at their request to meet at the park the following week. We exchanged numbers, we met again. Though I was more interested initially in hanging out with one of these women more than the others, it was Amanda (I’ve changed names) who pursued the friendship like a bull dog. I felt like I had more in common with the other woman, our sons were close in age, Amanda had two under-3 girls who had so much energy it fatigued me.
Amanda and I continued hanging out. She mentioned a food allergy once, and the same day I remember noticing a brown cord peeking out of her shirt, I wondered if it was some kind of “do not feed wheat or dairy, will parish” medical alert deal. I had no idea. I didn’t ask. I eventually brought up my spiritual quest for Truth. Amanda was Catholic, she said. I was all, “oh my husband is Catholic, how nice”. We enjoyed discussing God greatly. I started going to her house for playdates. Her girls left my son and I dumbfounded and sapped of energy. But I kept going back.
My neighbor down the street, we’ll call her Laura, also has a young son, we had seen each other through the grimmest of winter. I liked to joke with my husband that she was so Catholic as to have Holy Water on the side table in the living room! Mother Theresa on the wall! Some old looking Popes on the wall! We chuckled kindly, said, “oh these Catholics” and carried on nourishing our relationships with their families.
Mirabai Starr led me to Saint Teresa of Avila. I would wake at 5 am just to be able to have an hour or two alone in the morning to read about her life. My prayer life was getting to be something fierce. I turned to Mary (not yet a Christian). I picked up Intro to Christianity by Joseph Ratzinger (not yet a Christian). God was leading me along and I couldn’t begin to bumble my way through a protest. I met with a Sister at the parish my friend Amanda attended to hammer out some hang ups I had. I felt like I could be a Catholic if only I could get past this Jesus figure standing in my way (lol, iknorite?). She, being hip/young/adorably Australian, captivated me. Drew me a small illustration saying, “girlfriend, check this out”, she drew a timeline with points, “these are religions, these religions are man’s attempt at reaching God”. She drew arrows up. In the middle of the time line she drew one single arrow coming down. “This is Jesus Christ. This is God reaching for us”. Hrmpf. Compelling. I ruminated, cogitated.
What did it for me? I finally came to realize that God was so big, so huge, so vast, so without definition that it was one hundred percent “duh” that he would incarnate so we humans could come to know Him. Just, duh. I had already been addicted to Catholicism, had been devouring books, had been falling in love with the Church, prior to understanding this Christ guy. So I started a 54-day Novena (go hard or go home) with Amanda with the intention of my husband’s conversion. My first rosary took forever. So much to learn.
At the very freshest moment of this acceptance of Christ, I emailed inquiring about RCIA at my husband’s campus Catholic Center. I wasn’t even one hundred percent certain, I knew I didn’t need to be certain, just curious. So began the challenge of telling my circle of wayyyy liberal closest friends who weren’t Catholic (read: homebirth midwife, Professor of Psychology studying LGBTQ issues, my husband’s peace-love mother who is herself Catholic, this story is already too long to include that explanation). I asked my close friend and neighbor Rachel to meet me at my community garden plot to help with some sowing. I told her (she had been traveling my journey with me, we discussed visiting a Quaker church): “I think I’m going to do Catholic, Rachel”. Rachel is the professor. She stammered. What about the gays? What about pro-choice? What about…I explained what the Catechism taught, and that I wasn’t sure where I stood on some of these things but that I was okay with not knowing these things neatly. Our conversation ended with her confiding tearfully that her and her husband would be devastated to lose my husband and me as friends to this Catholic thing. I was torn up.
My son had fallen asleep in his stroller as Rachel and I parted ways, so I parked him in my kitchen and retreated to my bedroom to pray. I felt tested. I felt betrayed. I felt hurt. Conflicted. Hurt mostly. After praying I wondered immediately if Amanda would be available that evening to help me work through my pain. Before I could touch my phone in inquiry, she texted me an invite to her house for a s’more roasting that evening, her good friend Emily would be joining who I had met previously and liked very much.
Thank you for hanging in, here comes the providence, the goodstuff. I went to Amanda’s (it is so hard to keep up the pseudonyms) that evening, my husband stayed to ensure the house didn’t burn down around sonny-boy. I was informed of this web of events: the day I met Amanda and our other friend whom I never bequeathed a pseudonym at the Library story time, the two of them hunkered down in their car outside of the library, praying for the guidance of the Holy Spirit to bring to their attention anyone He (? He?) might have in mind for friendship. So that was me. My neighbor Laura had undergone this same prayer with Emily on a separate occasion at the Library as well. The woman who Laura spoke to never did get back to her. But that same afternoon, as they were leaving the library, my family bumped into neighbor Laura and new-friend Emily downtown. And then it turns out that Laura, Amanda, and Emily are all friends. And it turns out they are all evangelizing the hell out of the young-ma crowd in town. And then they all start to realize that the SoIsew they are all taking about is the same single SoISew. The central fruit of their evangelizing mama-drama was me. They understood this to be an enormous indication, and they all patiently sat by, loving me, supporting me, answering my questions about their faith, never shoving it down my throat, lassoing bishops and cloistered nuns in Assisi into praying for my conversion.
This is only the beginning. Stay tuned for the story of my husband’s coming home tale, our upcoming convalidation, and my two year old son who drops to his knees and folds his hands in prayer throughout the day (as well as holds books up above his head, exclaiming “Jesus” sounds like Jeez, followed by prayerful hands). Shit is nuts you guys, shit is nuts.