Ok so a few days ago my transmission started having a very slight delay in shifting from park to drive and felt a little rough shifting while driving. It was about time for a fluid change so no biggy, decided to change the filter as well. Drained the fluid, dropped the pan, replaced the filter, cleaned the pan and reinstalled. Refilled and was good to go. Car drove great no new issues for the entire day, but the delayed engagement was still there. Not as bad but still there. Next morning woke up, started driving to work was fine until I started getting into town. Started slipping gears, having high RPM, and jerking when shifting. Check engine light came on for solenoid A, D, and G stuck off. Figured the fluid needed to be drained and filled again, as it usually takes 3 to get everything good and clean.
We are now on the 3rd drain and fill. Same deal, great right after for about a day, then the next day shifting issues, delayed engagement, etc. I’m wondering if it just need a few more good drain and fills or if there is another issue. Thinking about doing another 2 drain and fills, then dropping the pan and replacing the filter again. As the fluid was very dark. Any idea/insight would be great, she’s made it this far and I’d hate to see her go out before making it to 400k. But if it’s that time, it’s that time.

I believe I was. I’ve told friends about my life and I’ve talked to my parents about their treatment, but I keep getting told other people have it worse or I didn’t have it that bad. I wonder if I’m just being dramatic.
Some non-chronological events:
I would ride along with my mom searching for my dad when he would go on drug binges. I watched my dad hit my grandma over and over after he had to turn the car around because he forgot his wallet at home. She started "talking too much". After he beat her, she laid across the backseat in silence. I was silent too. I wished for superpowers so that when he hit her, I would be the one to feel her pain instead. I screamed at the crackhead women my dad invited into the house after he was gone on a drug binge. She threatened to throw me out of the window. My dad stayed silent. My dad invited that same women into the house a few months later, because she apologized to him. My dad used to give me frequent back scratches. He would trail his hand down my back and rub the area just above my butt. My dad was inebriated and knocking on each of our bedroom doors. My mom texted me to not open my bedroom door for him but I needed to pee. By the time I came back, he had a blanket on the ground and was asleep. My stomach sunk. I slept under the bed. My mom dragged her fingernails across my face and asked what I was going to do about it and if I was going to fight back. My dad called me a waste of brain cells because he went down the wrong way in a one way street going to a fair. He turned around and drove home. I locked myself in my room and sobbed and texted my mom that I didn't want to live anymore. I woke up in the hospital after my suicide attempt to my dad in the room. The first thing he said to me was that I must really care what people think about me. In a drafted suicide note, I addressed each person in my life except my mom. My mom found it in my room and photocopied it. She wrote notes on the side and was upset that I didn't write to her. My dad threatened to give me and my sibling up to adopt some children who would actually spend time with him. My dad badmouthed me to a date when I was in the backseat of his car. I filled out a sheet in elementary school for fun with my friends. It was for something like a summer camp. My mom chased me throughout the house and snatched it. She asked if I was trying to send myself away. My dad told me to not tell authorities about him because I'd get taken away. My mom told me I needed to go home. I cried on the way home because I thought she was going to kill herself after she stopped responding to my texts. She left scavenger hunt instructions for the key to her bedroom. Inside her bedroom were letters to each of us detailing that she was leaving my dad. I didn't see her again for months.

So I have a 2014 nissan maxima, I had replace the whole suspension front and back, bought brand new tires, basically anything you can think of and it felt like a new car again.
After doing all this, guess what happens to me?? The cvt transmission is failing on me, and yes I did the fluid drain and fill every 30k miles and it still failed.
So I am looking to finance a new car from a dealership and wanted to trade in the car, but I don’t think I will get that much because the transmission is bad (everything else is good)
Should I try to sell the car for $2k or should I take the risk and trade it in?

(This is the background on which the story will occur. Not the story itself. It will take place at different times within this framework.)
The Program
…..A ufo crashes on Earth.
The ufo is found by a farmer who calls the military, and a secret group is created to study it.
In order to keep it secret only a small number of people are allowed to know about it. It is classified at the highest level.
The ufo inspires the creation of new technologies resulting in huge amounts of money being made by the people in charge of The Program.
They find a way to classify all ufo information so only they can benefit from it.
Billions of dollars are made that only benefit certain families. These families become extremely powerful.
The technologies of the craft lead to the realization that there is something to the “Woo” aspects of ufo encounters reported by experiencers.
Studies are funded. Specifically, remote viewing is explored.
Remote viewing studies of possible futures were done using hundreds of remote viewers over the decades. There seems to be a huge problem reported starting on earth starting between 2024-2027.
Possible causes are investigated.
Solar maximum occurs in 2025.
It is determined that a massive solar flare knocks out half the world’s electricity permanently, the superpower with the lights still on attempts to take advantage and launches a massive nuclear strike on their enemies. Electromagnetically shielded missile silos survive and retaliate.
A nuclear winter sends the world into famine. When there is no food left mankind begins to eat itself. Everyone becomes food.
More secret remote viewing studies are done and repeated to confirm the timeline.
The American Elite develop a plan to survive this. Money is funneled into black budget classified special access programs, and deep underground military bases are dug. Massive secret cities connected by underground tunnels are created, costing trillions.
Scientific progress and industrial development is pushed with no regard for pollution. The world is fated to end, pollution means nothing to those who know this.
Mankind is pushed towards wage slavery, and beyond. The suffering of the non elite doesn’t matter to those in the know. From a certain point of view they’re already dead. Their lives and happiness are sacrificed for the “greater good” of allowing the Elite to survive the end of the world.
When the time comes, certain groups are saved from the end of the world. Less than 100 thousand humans are chosen. 90 percent of the people who were told they were part of the Elite and were complicit in the Program find out that they were merely pawns and are left on the surface to die with the rest of humanity.
The world ends. Horrifically.
For thousands of years the remnants of humanity, the Elite, exist underground. Radiation eventually seeps into groundwater and they begin to suffer from dna damage. In time they become monstrous in appearance. Pale skinned and weak. Resorting to genetic manipulation they attempt to survive, but in doing so much of what we consider human is lost. Emotion, compassion, and the ability to feel pain become relics of the past.
Progress is extremely slow underground. Tens of thousands of years pass before the ufos are fully understood, but when they are it is realized they offer a means to travel back in time to collect genetic samples from healthy humans.
A breeding program is created.
The subterranean future humans eventually figure out how to breed healthy generations of offspring from the most intelligent, healthy, and beautiful human specimens from the past.
In time they restore and reclaim the surface of the earth. They learn from the mistakes of the past and create a beautiful, balanced and healthy ecosystem and develop an enlightened society that lasts for millions of years, eventually spreading to hundreds of worlds beyond earth.
At some point someone decides it would be better if the destruction of earth had never happened. They illegally go back in time to try and change the timeline.
Changing the timeline would result in millions of years worth of humans that existed after the “world ended” being wiped from existence. It is decided that this would be highly inappropriate.
The humans of the past, us, made our choices of our own free will. It is decided that there will be no interference in the timeline. Temporal Laws are created. WW3 will occur as recorded.
A defense network of small orbs, spherical shaped ufos are created to defend the integrity of the timeline. All illegal time ships are intercepted by the orb defense network, as is recorded in many old ufo photographs.
Time ships are legally sent back to verify that nuclear weapons can be turned on or off at the appropriate time to result in the correct end of the world happening.
The Elite eventually discern the intentions of the future humans from their temporal incursions into our time, they learn the fate of humanity and understand the results of The Program by interrogating captured occupants of downed ufos, and so they develop a strategy to alter this outcome.
The intent of this secondary project is to avoid attracting the attention of the orb defense network and use their limited understanding of ufo technology to prevent the full destruction of the earth in WW3, while still destroying all of their enemies.
If successful, there will still be a full collapse of current society, billions of deaths, but in time the Elite families will rise from their holes in the earth in their “primitive” ufo reproduction vehicles and claim to be Gods that have returned to earth in order to lead mankind into a better future.
Pyramids and temples will be built. A religion formed. And populations will be continually culled to prevent anyone from ever gaining enough scientific knowledge to overthrow the “Gods.”
But the advanced future humans from the other timeline had a contingency plan. AI drone ships were concealed outside of 4d space-time. Free from timeline alterations.
These drones patrol multiple Earth timelines searching for anomalous temporal activity.
The two largest enemies of the American Elite in our current time, Russia and China, get wind of the situation.
They begin to shoot down ufos and plan their own contingencies to survive the end of the world.
Their countries laws make it easier for them to do unethical experiments. Many horrific things are created through genetic experimentation and unrestrained AI development.
China loses control of an AI that disappears into the past with a ufo and a small army of insect/human hybrids. They move out well beyond the patrol zone of the 6th dimensional AI contingency drones and travel deep into the past.
On distant worlds billions of years ago the AI “Queen” begins its plan and starts to quietly populate worlds with its insectoid mantid servants.
In time there are multiple schisms that occur within the hive. War breaks out between the various insectoid groups.
The ancient universe begins to fill with problems.
Billions of years later, primitive humans in 10,000 BCE look to the sky and see ufos. They wonder who could be piloting them. They dream up new gods as the seeds of civilization begin to appear.
Time passes, a farmer in America in 1947 looks up at the night sky, wondering if anyone is out there, and a ufo crashes on Earth…..

Had my vasectomy today at 10:30am and so far so good. I was pretty anxious about the procedure as it has been scheduled for months.
I read a lot of posts on this thread and focused on the negative ones instead of seeking out the positive ones. Fortunately for me, I had a positive experience. My doc prescribed me Valium to take an hour before the procedure which after a lot of consideration I decided not to take. Went in sober and told the doc I took it and tried to act as chill as possible lol. A lot of people stressed about the numbing injection, however for me, I hardly felt this. Felt even less painful than an injection I get at the dentist for a tooth filling.
About 5 minutes in, I figured the doc was still numbing and or preparing for the procedure and then I smelled the cauterization and he said, onto the left. Absolutely zero pain or discomfort on the right side. The left side there was a little discomfort, probably a 4/10 pain, doc could tell so numbed me a little more and that did the trick. No pain after the additional medicine, and about 15 minutes total for the procedure. This was the no scalpel technique, not sure what the other ones feel like but my advice to anyone reading this would be to try not to focus on the reviews about bad experiences. While it is possible you’ll have a less than stellar experience, I think statistically speaking you’re going to be just fine.
Pain level right now is probably a .5/10. Perhaps the numbing medication is still assisting but we shall see.
Good luck to anyone who has one coming up!!

Random had stood and made his case Before The Northern Court of the Arch Fae and it had gone... well?
He had dealed and bargained, tricked and charmed, willed and won a place for human nature among the spirits of the frozen top of the world. At one point, he'd used a small trick he'd learned from a game to create tiny auroras and used his knowledge of the cosmos to convince the arch fey of the north that he was the regent of Polaris, come to bridge the elemental metals of the deep Earth with the stars. It had technically been a lie, but they'd bought it.
Still, there was a feeling deep in the pit of his stomach that told him that this was not over yet, and almost as soon as he had the thought, he woke in the mountain cave he'd wandered to in order to seek out the Fay, with a splitting headache, short of breath. By the faint embers left in the dark cave, he could see the snow had pilled up in front of the cave entrance and the room had filled with smoke from the fire while he meditated.
*crap*
He tried standing up to get over to the entrance as fast as possible. Immediately, his vision blossomed into blooms of pain and he had to still himself.
Ok. Bad idea. That was absolutely horrible.
Slowly then.
On hands and knees he struggled forward, low to the ground, trying to control his increasingly urge-driven gasping breathing, as if through a house on fire. Reaching the snow-covered entrance, he tried to melt it with a simple thermal spell from his fingers... to find that nothing at all had happened. His magic was simply gone. Without breath, he could neither maintain concentration nor incant words of power upon the world.
But he could dig.
And crawl.
And try to tunnel with his arms outstretched.
Utill a numb purple hand, and then an arm, and a shoulder and a head and a body emerged into the freezing dark night air, which cut into his lungs like shards of ice. But he was alive.
And as breath slowly returned to him, after an hour or so of lying exhausted, completely spent in his vaguely warm cloak on the terribly cold, empty snowy plain, he realized something strange...
But he wasn't really sure what it was at first.
And then he noticed:
He was looking up at the sky.
And the strange thing was that the sky seemed to be looking down at him, Polaris ever so slightly above the center of his vision.
And just as he noticed this, as if in answer, it burst into aurora brighter than any he had ever seen.
And then he noticed something else, perhaps the oddest thing of all:
His own arm, outstretched, the five points of his fingers reaching out on their own and casting the colors into the sky.
"huh... that's... really cool."
And then he fell unconscious.
...
A day later, a search party that had set out to find him and followed the aurora to the mountains north of cosmopolis found his body, cold and frostbitten, but alive. They brought him back and placed him in a hot spring to recover.

Hi all! First off, so glad this sub reddit exists because it was a life saver when I was making decisions on my own ACLr and knowing what to expect from surgery. I'm a 2x cancer surviver, Paramedic, Rugby player, and now have been a caregiver to my partner who just celebrated 3 months from her own ACLr. I collected a bunch of advice and tips and tricks that I have used both during cancer treatment, my own experience with ACLr, and now through care taking my partner through hers. I know there have been guides before, but mine is a bit different and aimed at caregivers so I thought I'd post it here since ya'll helped me so much instead of it just circulating the rugby community every time a teammate or friend has to have ACLr or some other reconstruction. Hope it's allowed and helps!
A Cancer Patients Guide To Knee Reconstruction Recovery
A Comprehensive Guide To Surviving and Thriving In the Pre and Post-op Period Built From The Perspective of Caretaker and Patient.
Before The Date
__/__/____

Preparation

It is important to adequately prepare for surgery in the weeks and days leading up to the procedure. A significant period of immobility and reliance on support can be expected immediately post-op and will vary by procedure and personal experience. Physical modification of living space and thorough preparation allows for the immediate post-op period to be free of emergency store runs and the small inconveniences that can add up to big frustration. Not having food and drink nearby as well as other essentials may be a small deal now, but can turn into a big deal when you can no longer get those things for yourself. While physical preparation (home modifications, adaptive tools, meal prepping, etc.) are important, mental preparation is crucial to the long term success of the repair. Making small, achievable goals in the immediate post-op period and maintaining a long sighted view of recovery will make the pain and immobility that is initially experienced more bearable. Additionally, social support through a partner, family members, or friends is an essential part of recovery, as is maintaining contact with sports teams or other social groups during rehabilitation.

General PEARLs

• Pre-surgical rehab is an essential part of recovery and can improve immediate outcome so if it is a resource available to you- use it!
• Learn the basics of your procedure such as reconstruction technique, graft type, surgeons recovery timeline, where you will do your rehab, and what you should expect going into and coming out of surgery. Knowledge is power and can give a sense of control and set reasonable expectations in a situation that is otherwise out of your control.
• Seek out positive experiences and recovery stories from other people who have had your procedure and gather as much advice as possible from resources such as ACL. Know that some people will have negative experiences, everyone is an individual, and that much of your long term recovery is in your control.
• Expect and learn to advocate for yourself or the person you are taking care of. Be vocal and honest with any needs you may have and understand that issues may come up in the immediate post-operative time that you as a patient or caregiver may have to contact your surgeon to resolve. Familiarize yourself with who to call and when *before* you leave after surgery, as well as being quick to call with any questions or problems that arise. It is better to be told that what you are experiencing is normal than to sit with the anxiety of the unknown.
• Create a folder with all relevant information: Surgeons name, procedure information, follow-up appointment dates and times, phone numbers, emergency contacts, facility of choice in an emergency situation, and any other important information. Maintain this folder throughout your recovery and add paperwork as it comes.

Days Leading Up To Surgery

• Contact support people and confirm any arrangements that have been made including but not limited to: Who is taking you to/from surgery, child or pet care, transportation to first PT appointments, meals, etc.
• Recommended Items we found essential:
  • Ice Machine (Polarcube, etc) if at all possible
    • Recommend checking facebook marketplace or other second hand options, as they cost hundreds new but can be found for $40 or so used.
    • Studies have shown these do actually reduce pain and lend to earlier mobilisation and our experience has shown this to be essential not just immediately post-op but in the weeks and months afterwards so if you *can* obtain one you absolutely should.
  • Large sweatshirt and oversized shorts for surgery day, especially if you wear a bra, as putting clothes on after surgery can be a struggle and it’s easiest to just throw on a sweatshirt and shorts that fit over your post-op bandages and brace.
    • In particular, we found a blanket hoodie to be very useful both for going home and the first few days as it could stay on when moving around/when napping.
  • Neck Pillow
    • Helps with reading or other activities during long hours spent in bed or on the couch and really helped in the first two days to prevent neck strain and provide head positioning during napping.
  • Large pillows for body positioning and elevation of the leg
    • We found cheap, giant, dog beds from places like TJ Max or Marshalls to be more affordable than specialty products
    • A large, thin, dog bed (or blanket) rolled into a tube and secured with stretch bandage or tape around the surgical leg and brace helped significantly with comfort during sleep so that the leg was padded, comfortable, and the other leg didn’t get roughed up from the brace.
  • A shower chair
    • Can be found used at second hand stores like Goodwill, or cheap online
    • Easy substitute is a chair covered in a trash bag
    • Allowed showering the second day post-op which was a huge mental boost and relieved physical discomfort and achy muscles
  • Extra large leg cast cover
    • Can be found cheap online
    • Placed around outside of brace covering the entire leg initially, we then found it easier to place on the leg and place the brace outside of the cover for the remaining healing period for the incisions: We did this after the first PT appointment when it was safe to take off the brace for short periods while laying down. We acquired a second post op brace from a friend (you can find on eBay for cheap) and it was amazing to have, as we could let it dry after showering and immediately put her post op brace back on.
  • Foldable stool
    • Great for elevating the leg during transfers, while on the toilet, etc.
  • Lap Desk
    • Great for eating on the couch or in bed, but we also found it useful as a side table for holding drinks/meds/remotes/books that could be taken to whatever room they landed in at the time
    • A small table works as well, really just anything that can be used to set things on within arms reach
  • Assortment of sodas, water, seltzers, snacks, etc.
    • There is no way to know what you will want and when, but when you want it it’s nice to *have* it available
    • Appetite often decreases after surgery so make sure to have favourites on hand so that when you *are* hungry you have it immediately before your body changes its mind
  • A big bucket
    • We used a soft plastic beach type bucket from the dollar store, it was extremely useful to have to put small items in, a small towel, a spare water bottle, extra meds, baby wipes, etc.
    • Also doubled as an emergency puke bucket, as you never know when a sudden bout of nausea might hit in the first day or two after surgery
  • Extra reusable ice packs and bags of ice
    • Your home ice maker will not be able to keep up with the demands of constant icing the first week or so
    • Reusable ones are great for ‘hot spots’ and short trips where you can’t take the ice machine
  • Extra steri-strips and assortment of bandages
    • Sometimes there’s extra leakage, sometimes your steri-strips come off and you need to slap a new one on, sometimes you’re allergic to the ones they put on you at the hospital. Always consult a medical professional, but it’s handy to have these on hand just in case.
    • We also used a bulky padded bandaid to keep the brace off the healing incisions once the large post-op dressing was taken off which helped immensely.
  • Compression sleeves
    • Aside from helping with swelling these also provided a layer of protection under the post-op brace
    • We found cheap ones at Wal-Mart (copper brand) but also just bought a cheap pair of leggings a size down and cut off one of the legs to use before getting a more expensive one once swelling had fully subsided after a few weeks. Your leg will change so cheap works great at first, then you can get something a bit more substantial when you know what you’ll need long term. Now she wears high compression socks to sleep 3 months out.
  • Slide on shoes
    • Self explanatory, bending down to put on shoes becomes a chore after surgery. Avoid flip flops or other styles that can become a trip hazard.
  • Baby Wipes/Dude Wipes/etc.
    • Wiping down after you get home from surgery can help prevent that icky feeling and restore some sense of normalcy, then can be used over the next few days before you can shower more normally
  • Lotion and chapstick
    • Hospitals dry out your skin big time, and lips are often cracked post surgery from intubation/LMA placement
  • Small, easily labelled tupperware containers
    • Regular pill containers are too small to hold pain meds, OTC pain meds, anticoagulants such as aspirin, supplements, and edibles or other small things you take with your medication. We got small tupperware boxes with lids from the dollar store.
    • We found it very convenient to have six sets of meds set up and labelled with times which meant we never missed doses and could leave the next dose of meds at bedside, take them with us when going to appointments, and keep up with what had been given and when.
  • Small notebook to record med times and other important information
  • Two extra changes of clothes already setup and ready to go
  • Compression device
    • We are athletes so we already had leg compression sleeves but these days off brand versions can be bought online cheap. Studies have shown these lead to reduced pain, increased mobilisation, reduced the chance of blood clots, and there is even some evidence they help with bone healing.
    • We used it 3 days post op and beyond and her range of motion was significantly improved after the first time.
  • A yoga strap
    • Excellent for strapping to the brace and moving the surgical leg
• If possible, pick up post-op medications prior to surgery to prevent any unexpected delay in obtaining them. If this is not possible, verify that the prescription can be filled the day of the surgery by your selected pharmacy and that it has been filled prior to leaving after your surgery. Controlled substances cannot be transferred to another pharmacy without a new prescription sent directly from the provider. You do not want to be trying to get in contact with a physician in the hours after surgery, unable to manage pain, before the pharmacies close for the night.
• Do a thorough clean of your living area, it will make the time after surgery when you cannot independently do normal activities more bearable and a neat organised space is easier to function in when your body is not cooperating. Take special attention to removing tripping hazards and clearing a wide path from wherever you plan to spend your recovery and the bathroom.
• Plan to spend the first couple of days in one spot and on one floor and set up that area the day before surgery. If you have a downstairs bathroom a floor mattress or well setup couch can be your landing pad until you are more mobile and is the easiest during the immediate post-op period. That being said, if you don’t, it’s easier to get upstairs by sliding up on your bum immediately post-op when your pain is still well controlled than realise that you have no bathroom downstairs a few hours later when the pain has started to set in. Wherever you intend to land, plan on staying there at least a couple of days and bring all your supplies to that area. Plan to lay with your surgical leg on the outside of what you are laying on, this makes transferring easier.
• Have your recovery bed setup the day before surgery and prepared for when you return before you leave the day of, including blankets and your supply table setup.
• Meal prep, whether that means cooking or getting easy to make microwave meals is up to you. You won’t feel like cooking and neither will your caretaker the first few days. High protein, easy to eat meals are key! We had chicken and broccoli casserole, egg and sausage frittata, and lots of applesauce the first few days and it was a lifesaver not to have to think about meals.
• Spend some time mentally preparing for the long haul of recovery and make long term plans that fit within your timeline. For example, we planned to attend a rugby game five days after surgery *but* planned nothing else for that day and the next day. We also planned hiking trips the next fall, and other events appropriate for her timeline along the way that could be looked forward to and keep up morale. Remember that this is temporary and that it is okay to be recovering and resting, expect hard moments and days but keep things planned so you don’t get stuck in those down places.
• Eat your favourite meal and eat well the day before surgery. Your body needs fuel to recover and fasting the day of surgery sucks. As weird as it sounds, after multiple surgeries, the pre-surgery night meal of whatever I want is one shiny thing in a crappy situation to hold on to.
• Plan for what you want your first meal to be and consider making a playlist for the ride to and from surgery. Small things, again, help maintain a sense of control and comfort in a situation where you are largely out of control and these things can be done with friends or support people in the days leading up to reduce anxiety and pass time.
• Hit the gym, take a walk, do a hike, visit places or do things you enjoy but won’t be able to do in immediate recovery! We took my partners knee to one last tournament before her surgery, it helped pass time and kept spirits high.

Day Of And Immediate Post-Surgery Phase

• Maintain fasting starting at whatever hour you are told. Some people can drink clear liquids up to a certain point, others are completely nothing by mouth. Your instructions will guide you on this.
• Before leaving home double check that everything is set up how you need it and place a blanket, pillow, drink, and snack of choice in the car. You may or may not need it but if you do it is important to have. Make sure your ice packs are in the freezer ready to go!
• Bring your own post-op snack if you are picky or have food allergies, otherwise you’re stuck with whatever graham cracker and applesauce combo the facility gives you.
• Go with the flow, or as I always say “surrender”. Feel what you feel, have a cry in the car before you go in, listen to your playlist, bring your blanket or other comfort items into pre-op, tell your support person what’s going through your mind, tell your pre-op staff how you’re doing, ask all the questions, and most importantly just do what you have to do. For some people surgery can be overwhelming and the loss of control frightening, but fighting only makes it worse, so whatever you are just be it. I’m pre-op pacer myself, but some people just snuggle up under some warm blankets and wait. Either way, just let the waves take you where they go and know you’re along for the ride. Remember that future you with a healthy joint thanks you for what you’re doing today.
• Speak frankly with your anesthesiologist and utilise any pain control or anxiety control options given to you. There is no award for least meds taken or toughest patient of the day. If a nerve block is available, know that you can request sedation for its placement, and utilise that option if at all possible.
• Caregivers should bring something to keep them entertained and be prepared for a long period without update once surgery has started. Honour your feelings as well, it can be tough to watch someone you care about go through this! Consider having someone to act as a support person for you as well through text or phone, that way you can divert your own worries or struggles to them and away from the person having surgery while still making sure you are also taken care of.
• Make sure that pain is well controlled before leaving after surgery. You have more options there than you will at home and getting things under control once pain has become unbearable can be very difficult.
• Make sure you note when the next dose of medication is due, what medication they should be taking, and write it down.
• Double check contacts from your surgeons office and add any post op paperwork to your folder in case you need the information later.
• If your post-op meal requires picking up, or your prescription, try and do that immediately after leaving surgery even if you are not hungry yet. This is the most comfortable you will be for a while and your support person will be unable to leave for at least that day and night. I have been known to peruse the big gas station after surgery in search of snacks, my partner however simply waved to the nice people at the drive through and napped the rest of the way home before eating some hours later.
• Once you get home crash wherever you plan on spending the rest of the time. Don’t have friends or family over that first day. Just go ahead and sleep through the rest of the anaesthesia and get comfortable.
• Try and keep your home cool, and consider keeping the room dim for the first few hours if not days. Sleep is precious and pain meds can make you hot, and getting hot can lead to nausea. It is better to have the home cool and the person snuggled under blankets and comfortable than be trying to cool someone down who just had surgery and got too hot and is now dizzy, nauseous, and miserable. The least stimulation for the first little while the better, and naps will happen throughout the rest of the day and over the next few days. A cool, dim place lets this happen much easier than a bright, warm place where they might be overstimulated or awakened by noise or activity.
• If allowed, try and activate the quad muscle immediately after returning home and once every few hours by having them squeeze it and feeling for contraction while in the brace. Some people will be able to begin range of motion exercises immediately and if so, make sure to do them as soon as allowed even if that means just helping them by doing gentle manual range of motion movements in the brace.
• If it’s not already on, begin continuous icing as soon as you come out of surgery either by meticulously timing the replacement of ice packs or with the ice machine. Make sure to check the ice machine, replace ice as often as needed, and keep it on *continuously* for the next few days. For us this meant I checked it at every medication dose throughout the night and added ice during that time as well. We went through frozen mini water bottles and bags of ice like crazy the first week.
• Elevate the surgical leg as high as possible, placing support under the heel and calf but not directly under the knee to promote extension and prevent more headaches with gaining range of motion later on.
  • We found that icepacks directly under the knee helped tremendously with the discomfort associated with this.
• Anticipate that bathroom trips will not be fun or easy and take them extremely slow. As a caregiver allow the person to guide you on what they need and don’t need your help with and avoid grabbing or moving someone unexpectedly. Standing, acclimating to being upright, and then proceeding to the bathroom is the best way to do things and rushing will only result in frustration for both of you. A rolling chair or wheelchair can be helpful, but for some people standing up and sitting down is harder than just moving on to the bathroom. Pay attention as a caregiver and know that it is possible they may need your help getting off the toilet or back from the bathroom so be close by and available should that happen. For the first few days do not lock the bathroom door in case of an emergency.
• Place chairs or things to sit on around your path to the bathroom, kitchen, etc. And consider a small backpack or using a rolling chair to carry items around the house.
• Once you know when your next dose is, set alarms for each time your doses are due. If using the med boxes this makes doing meds and keeping track very easy, as they are each labelled with a time and all we had to do was open the box and take the meds instead of finding each bottle and dosing each med individually each time. As the days went on we were able to re-label and time the boxes as needed and remove meds as needed or adapt to what was needed when sleeping or up during the day.
  • For example day 1 would look like:
    • First post-op doses at 4pm box: 250mg tylenol, 10mg oxycodone, 5mg edible.
    • 8pm box: 250mg tylenol, 10mg oxycodone, 800mg ibuprofen, 10mg edible, 12.5mg diphenhydramine (itching and sleep), stool softener, and regular night time meds.
    • Midnight box: 250mg tylenol, 5mg oxycodone, 5mg edible.
    • 4AM: 250mg tylenol, 5mg oxycodone, 800mg ibuprofen, edible (if nauseas or restless).
    • 8AM box (preparing to get up): 250mg tylenol, 10mg oxycodone, 5mg edible, aspirin, stool softener, normal morning meds.
    • 12pm: 250mg tylenol, 10mg oxycodone, 5mg edible, 800mg ibuprofen.
    • Repeated on time, reducing pain med dose as tolerable, and refilling boxes 1x a day.
• If possible do scheduled tylenol (paracetamol) and ibuprofen (or another NSAID), alternating them on the dosing schedule, and take them religiously even through the night. This also goes for additional pain medications, which you will also need to wake to take through the night if you are prescribed for at least the first night.
• Staying on schedule might mean waking up in the night, but it’s better to be awoken to take meds than to wake up in pain and spend several hours trying to get it under control. You may find you seldom need them if your nerve block is in place, or you may just not need very much at all during your recovery. It is easier to trial run this after the first day by stretching out the time between doses from 4 to 6 to 8 and then potentially off entirely, but everyone will have their preferences.
• Eat a small snack with every med dose and keep emergency meds (extra pain med doses, nausea meds, etc.) at bedside as well as the next set of meds due so they can be taken when it is time.
• We found that edibles were a great addition to pain and nausea control after surgery. There are medication options available and having at least one option for nausea is advisable for the first few days after surgery when anaesthesia and medication can really make you want to puke.
• Expect absolutely nothing in the first few days post-op. Some people will feel well enough to move around, others will not be able to do anything but get up to use the bathroom. Expecting nothing is better than expecting more and being disappointed or frustrated. I would highly suggest not making plans until your first follow up 7 or so days after surgery.
• Be obsessive about icing, meds, any PT you have been given, and keeping track of appointments. Give yourself the best start to your recovery that you can and you will thank yourself later!

A 3rd party company isn't responding to emails, phone calls from either us or the mechanic that is working on the car. For full transparency, I work for an auto service company (in their legal dept) and I had bought an engine from this 3rd party company years ago and thought of them when we needed to replace a transmission in our car. We went through the process of ordering a transmission WITH a warranty (you have to fill out a form online, they then call you to go over the product you are purchasing, THEN you send them your payment information online), only for him to call us the next morning and let us know the transmission he told us about was no longer available. He was going to send us another one, that was "just as good" but a little more expensive. The transmission arrived with rust. They ONLY speak to mechanics, not the customers. The mechanic explained that it was not working, they agreed to send another transmission. The second one arrived the other day and the mechanic told us, "They sent you junk," They failed to provide adequate paperwork after the purchase of not one but two transmissions. So, I am not 100% that we have a written warranty but there has to be some consumer law that demands that a purchase has to be in working order upon delivery (or they have to repaireplace). Help? And yes, I have asked around the office, they have given me some advice about this but just wanted to make sure I am on the right path.

The night was bone-chillingly cold. The slightest whisper of a breeze nipped at my exposed ears and drafted unpleasantly within my overly large winter coat. The black, barren trees stood unmoving like sentinels bearing ominously down upon either side of the sleet-slick street, which was lit only by dim street lamps that, other than creating a dull yellow reflection on the otherwise unlit pavement, seemed to do nothing against the oppressing dark of this fateful December night.
I had passed through a wrought iron gate twenty minutes before, the gate that separated a cozy subdivision from this eerie, undeveloped stretch of road that seemed to be dropped in the middle of the forest. I could think only of my warm, lively hearth and a nice, hot cup of tea between my palms, which now, instead of being pressed against warm porcelain, were being stabbed by my untrimmed fingernails as I tightened my fist onto the leash and plunged the other still deeper into my coat.
This night was the culmination of weeks of investigation on a missing person’s case turned sour. A man named Arthur Smith had reported his four daughters missing, then hung himself three days later when we couldn’t find anything. Oddly, Arthur’s body went missing from the morgue shortly after. The only trace left was an incredible amount of flies, and we were displeased to see that every drawer was leaking a mixture of blood and embalming fluid because the refrigerant pipes burst. When we opened them up, the neck of every corpse had been slit.
Eventually, through good detective work, we were able to connect some dots, and that led us to where we were now: We were now on a manhunt for a suspect that was last seen at a gas station about a mile up the road, not two hours earlier. We checked a network of cameras to see that he had headed for the woods, grabbed the hounds, and here we were.
My colleagues and I were spread around in different parts of the forest with the police force’s seven bloodhounds. I got stuck with Old Ben, the force’s droopiest and most seasoned canine. He was partially blind and notorious for not obeying commands. He didn’t even respond to a dog whistle, which was why some of my colleagues thought his hearing was shot. I doubted this theory, though, because sure enough, when somebody whispered the word “biscuit,” Old Benny perked up and started wagging his tail.
Another ten minutes found Old Benny and I at the end of the once seemingly endless street, with the streetlamps and pavement stopping abruptly at the edge of the woods, which had not entirely swallowed up a bulldozer. Old Ben stopped and sniffed the air for a moment, then plunged down a path in the woods to our right. It was a dirt path, not two feet wide, overgrown and partially washed out, making it an unpleasant and muddy journey from here on out.
…
My flashlight was now the only source of light illuminating our way. Its beam slid over roots and rocks that jutted out of the path at odd angles and briefly swept over the nearest trees, bringing them out of the shadow for a moment. I felt claustrophobic as they bore down upon me and upon the path. The only sound was my deep breathing, my sloppy footsteps, and Benny’s blundering in the mud about ten feet in front of me.
The path turned in such a way that I could see faint moonlight up ahead, but a cloud soon covered the moon and removed the slight comfort its light had provided. I continued following the curve of the path, and pointed my flashlight up ahead. Suddenly, everything was pitch black, as my flashlight had just gone out without a flicker. I was especially annoyed because firstly, I had just replaced the batteries earlier that week, and secondly, I caught a glimpse of the dark outline of what seemed to be a small cottage up ahead, which was now invisible in the darkness.
To my surprise, Benny stopped as soon as the light went out, which made it easy for me to replace the batteries with the ones that I always carried around in my service belt. To my dismay, Benny did not continue walking when the light flickered back on, even when I started tugging on his leash. He simply sat in the mud and peered at the cottage in the distance, which I knew for a fact he couldn’t see. The cottage was incredibly run down, but I couldn’t see much more, as it was just at the edge of my flashlight beam.
I began feeling uneasy when Benny started whimpering and backing away, tail between his legs. Our dogs were trained to bark when they found something, not stand still, and certainly not whine and back away. Old Ben had never been a skittish animal; I had never seen him act like this before. I peered back at the cottage, suspecting something more sinister than I was originally prepared for.
I tied Benny loosely around a nearby tree, so he could pull away if need be, pulled out my handgun, and continued on. Not fifteen seconds later, I was hit with the smell of blood and wet dog, and heard whimpering to my left. I told Benny to stay, and turned to find him where I left him, about twenty yards behind me, looking at me like I was insane. I bent down and examined the source of the noise, only to find one of our bloodhounds laying just off the path and covered in a mixture of mud and its own blood. It was missing its hind legs and was shivering badly. I cursed and dispatched it with a quick slit with my utility knife, then unclipped its collar and stuffed it into my pocket before turning away. I did not want to alert the suspect of my position. I grew worried about the location of my colleagues, as our dogs were trained not to run off. I also wondered what kind of predator would have taken only the hind legs of an animal. I tried not to think about it as I continued on.
As the cottage grew nearer, I was able to make out a few broken windows reflecting my light back at me. Through these I was able to see that the inside of the cottage was pitch black, the darkest black I had ever seen. I walked closer still, and I couldn’t stop looking into the darkness of the cottage. The darkness was so potent it seemed to be spilling over the window sill into the crisp night air. I felt consumed. My heart began pounding within my chest, and I felt colder than ever as I stepped toward the gravel path that led around to the left of the cottage. The sudden change in surface and the sound of my feet crunching upon the gravel seemed to break my trance, and I shuddered.
I didn’t know why I had felt so trapped, and I didn’t like it. Something was definitely wrong with this situation, and my feelings of dread intensified as I followed the gravel path around to the front of the cottage.
A dripping noise interrupted my thoughts and temporarily washed the dread from my mind. I paused. I determined it was coming from the direction I was headed, but I couldn’t see the front door yet as the porch was draped with ivy. I was suddenly hit with the putrid smell I knew all too well: the smell of death. It hit my nostrils like a truck and returned my feelings of dread all at once. I shined my beam to the front steps.
There was a dark, red liquid trickling gently down the steps, pooling under the porch: blood. I looked up onto the front porch, now visible, and saw the torso of a man hanging from his neck about three feet away from the front door. His legs were nowhere to be seen, though there was a blood trail leading into the house, and his glistening entrails swayed sickeningly with the light breeze. Blood was pooling below him, trickling down the steps, and down through the cracks in the porch. It had begun coagulating, and dark swirling orbs rotated in the puddle each time a drop splashed down. I looked up again at the carcass and recognized the man as our suspect. There was frost beginning to form at the edges of his mouth and over his glassy eyes, but his exposed entrails were still steaming. Furthermore, the blood dripping from his wound was still deep red in color. The back of my neck prickled and I knew this man had not been hanging for very long. No, not very long at all.
I raised my pistol and nudged the front door open. I was again hit with the smell of death, though now much stronger, so strong I could scarcely draw breath. The inside of the cottage was unbelievably dank, and the darkness seemed to eat the quivering beam of light I pointed out in front of me, so I couldn’t see ten feet forward.
I heard a sharp crack and I bolted my gaze to my feet. I had just stepped on a human rib. Suddenly the cottage came alive with creaking and shuffling. I heard flies buzzing all around me. I heard a raspy rushing noise to my right. I shined my flashlight to where I thought the noise was coming from, but all I saw was a bloodstained floor and darkness out in front of me. I took a step toward the noise, and the beam of light revealed the glistening mangled corpse of a man, missing most of his skin, hunched in the corner of the cottage. His whole torso was heaving, and I saw the rushing noise was coming from the base of his throat, where a large gash was opening and closing with every breath, spraying flecks of fluid. Maggots wriggled out of his wound, and black purge fluid trickled from his soupy eye sockets, his missing nose, and his gaping mouth. He was missing most of his teeth, and one of his cheeks was rotted through.
I was frozen in place with fear, until, to my horror, the man’s mangled arm rose and reached out to me. At this I aimed and put a bullet through his partially exposed skull, splattering a putrid mist on the wall behind him. Instead of slumping over, as I prayed he would, the man slowly levitated into an upright position as though controlled by a puppeteer. Skin began regrowing around his legs, his torso, and eventually his skull, which sprouted two bloody horns out of his forehead. This being had the likeness of Arthur Smith, though I sensed it was no longer him. I placed two rounds into his torso, and the being staggered, but the bullet wounds simply closed with sickening squelching sounds. I backed away slowly, and he simply stood in the corner and leered at me with burning black eyes and a disconcerting grin.
I continued to back away slowly, placing one more round between his eyes. His head jerked back, but still it healed and he seemed unbothered. I bolted around and headed for the door. I jerked the handle but it wouldn't budge. I tried kicking it down, which was something I was very practiced at, but still, the rotten oak planks held fast against my will. I turned around, back against the door, firearm at the ready, and stared into the blackness. Everything was quiet once again. Despite the temperature, cold sweat beaded upon my brow and dribbled down my neck.
Suddenly I felt a rumbling that seemed to come from the very depths of the Earth. A splitting and splintering sound came from what I presumed was the center of the cottage, and I was soon showered with bits of wood and stone that nicked my exposed skin and drew droplets of blood. I noticed my back was no longer pressed against the back of the door, though I was not moving. The floor seemed to be carrying me slowly in the direction of the noise. I was frozen in place, and found that I could not change my trajectory.
My flashlight beam found the edge of a large hole in the floor. I saw dark, root-like tendrils sprout from the hole and rush across the floor with the sound of scraping and splintering. They then returned to the hole, and they had within their grasp six bare human bodies, which I horrifically realized were those of my now former colleagues. I watched in horror as their pale naked bodies were folded, torn, ripped, and broken in the churning earth. The sound of tearing flesh and cracking bone was deafening and filled the darkness of the cottage. The mass of mangled flesh formed into one chunky, glistening mound in the center of the hole. It began pulsing and rising, and horrible screams rang in my ears. I watched in horror as the mass formed a humanoid figure that rose up ten feet out of the hole and bent over against the ceiling. It was facing away from me, but its raspy voice seemed to mix seamlessly with the screams directly in my ears.
“The churning of earth, the tearing of flesh, the cracking of bone”
At this it let out a booming laugh that reverberated in my skull and shook the foundation of the building. The cottage once again came alive, but now more than ever before. Shutters were opening and closing, floorboards were rattling, flies swarmed in a huge mass around and around the room, blocking the beam of my flashlight and obscuring my view of the figure. I felt my legs quiver along with the rest of the cottage. I looked down at a red book with its pages fluttering in the still air. I dove for it and slammed it shut, and the cottage grew still. I paused for a moment, but the giant figure began turning towards me. I bolted around to see that the door was now open, but the hung corpse was clinging to the top of the door frame, now very much alive. Its entrails were still swinging freely from its short leap, and the rope lay severed and frayed upon the ground.
I paced towards the door, dumping the rest of my magazine into the corpse, which to my relief fell to the ground with a squelch. I hopped over the body and sprinted out the front door, away from the cottage, down the dirt path. I could still hear the screams of the damned faintly in the distance, and the earth began rumbling once again underneath my feet. I continued running back along the path, trying not to think about what I had witnessed. I paused for a moment to catch my breath, and shivered in the now relentless sleet.
The pounding of the earth became the distant rumble of thunder in the distance. By the time I had gotten back to the paved road, I was soaked to the bone in cold sweat and freezing rain, and I was covered up to my thighs in mud from the path. My coat was snagged and torn in places from the splinters of wood and from branches along the path.
When I finally got back to my car, I saw a leash leading underneath it, and found Old Ben, crouched below, tail between his legs. I scooped him up and plopped him in the passenger seat, entirely disregarding the former cleanliness of my car, as it was now covered in mud and dog hair. I cranked up the heat and sped off towards the station to report what I had witnessed.
…
We never did find that cottage again. Other guys went back to where I was and failed to find the path, but they did find the dismembered bodies of my colleagues hidden under the bulldozer at the end of the street. I was charged with the deaths of my colleagues and was thrown into a mental institute, but I don’t mind it much. There are people here that are far more insane than I am. The worst part is my occasional perception of a distant rumbling, and during thunderstorms I’m a whimpering mess.
I have been disciplined three times for writing symbols on the walls that I can’t get out of my head. I draw them in my blood so they stand out more and resemble what I see. I have found that once they are on the wall, they stay out of my head. Unfortunately, I haven’t finished writing them all out yet. The first time I started I got really close to finishing, but then I found myself strapped to a hospital bed.
The worst part of my new existence is the nightmares. I am plagued by images of my former colleagues: their pale dismembered bodies, the sound of cracking bone, their blood on my hands, their shrieks of pain, and the taste of flesh.

A bit of venting…
TDLR; a series of freak accidents. Why?! I feel like this has to be an autistic thing. :(
I don’t even feel like I’m clumsy, per se, but I’m always getting hurt somehow. I’m so sick of it. It adds to my fear of going anywhere alone.
Few days ago, the one expensive thing I have to buy every month was misdelivered. I never leave the house anymore, especially alone, but I had to look for the package.
I walked literally half block and tripped on broken concrete. I fell all the way down, and got super hurt! It was scary, and a pretty bad injury I’ll be tending to for weeks.
(Warning, gross ahead.)
Now today, I remembered to take my vitamins, but after a few min, the omega must have burst, because suddenly my mouth filled with this horrendous taste / smell like fish, garbage, chemicals.. I immediately started uncontrollably dry heaving, nothing helped remove the taste.
I became severely distressed bc it was like “the worst pain”, but it wasn’t “pain” in the typical sense. Even so, I felt so overwhelmed, it sent me into immediate meltdown. It was like, if this doesn’t stop, I feel like I’m gonna die (or hurt myself to make it stop.)
Now I just feel so sad and upset like, why?? Why does weird distressing shit like this happen to me, frequently? I’m constantly bruised, injured, sobbing, in pain, or using extreme caution to avoid another situation, but I can’t even plan for the absurdity.
Yes I have severe anxiety, I’m scared of everything, because so much crap happens to me, and it devastates me more than is a “normal” response. Ughhhh.

With the addition of the 30-win nuke contracts, many of us have an occasional shot at dropping a nuke even if a 5 win streak is out of reach. I'm an above average but non-demon player who has done both nukes this season and wanted to share some tips to help others get their first nuke.
General:

1. The lobby is everything. Nuking in a 0.6KD lobby where half the enemies don't shoot back is 100x easier then nuking in a 1.4kd lobby where there are multiple sweat teams hawking you down. I highly recommend getting your squad on early in the morning for easy lobbies, and check for sweats in the pregame lobby / report menu (crim+ ranked or nuke skins/emblems/calling cards). If you see sweaty players, back out and requeue.
   
2. If you don' t have a solid squad, try to find some experienced nukers to help you out. There are a lot of sketchy people out there and those who will ask for $ for carry "services", but there are also some solid discord communities of people who are happy to help just for the fun of it and to get their nuke count up.
   
3. Don't pick up the contract if you get a bad start. If someone in your squad dies off rip, or you don't collect much cash (resurgence), or all of the helicopters are taken (BR), just chalk the run and don't waste the contract.
   
4. Watch at least a few up to date nuke guides on youtube so you have a complete understanding of the steps involved, strategies, and optimizations. I won't cover those here since they are well-covered elsewhere.
   
5. Make sure everyone knows their jobs. Don't wait until you are in the middle of a run to discuss who is holding elements, etc. At the same time, everyone should have an understanding of all roles so they can fill in and stay flexible if someone else dies.
   
6. Accept that most nuke attempts fail. This is hard to swallow, but important for your sanity. Nuke runs involve a ton of randomness, and a run can go out the window for one of many reasons. Don't become too mentally invested in an attempt.
   

Big Map specific:

1. I had more success with faster runs, move quickly to get all of the elements and arm before the zone forces other teams to you. We armed our first successful nuke during 3rd zone.
   
2. You can shoot down the PU helicopter from a far distance, especially if you have a javelin launcher. Everyone should have a javelin loadout that they can optionally pick up. Drop the javelin and buy your second gun once the chopper is down.
   
3. Once you are at bomb site, use any spare time you have to shoot down any redeploy zips you can see. This will slow down teams that are trying to fly to you to disarm.
   
4. Drop a portable buy station near the bomb site. Use it to buy back teammates and spam streaks on the bomb after you arm.
   
5. Everyone in your squad should have a number of cache locations memorized. These are huge for getting extra cash, flares, buy stations, and streaks. Everyone should be carrying enough cash for buybacks, UAVs, etc.
   

Resurgence specific:

1. Only run contracts on Rebirth, and only do them once you have access to the easter egg phone. The phone takes time off the element timers and gives you cash, both of which are a huge help.
2. The element timers are longer for each additional person in your squad. Quads is probably the hardest size to do, and I personally think duos is the easiest.
3. You must arm the bomb with at least one enemy alive. This is a huge pain because you often end up in a situation at end game where you can't kill the last enemy while you still need to plant the elements and arm the nuke. Once it is armed, you can kill the final enemy and you will automatically get the nuke without waiting for the 2 minute timer. People can grief you by suiciding to end your nuke run.

Contract notes:

1. Contracts / wins may or may not carry over to next season. Previously, they reset for each season, but I confirmed that wins did carry over last season. I have heard conflicting information on contracts carrying over. No one can know for sure unless activision makes a statement.
2. You can stack wins towards a 30 contract while already holding a contract. Your wins do not go to waste, at least not until you have two contracts stacked up (60 wins).
3. If you get a 5 win streak, you can stack a 30 win contract on top of it, but if you already have a contract when you get the 5 win streak, you will not get another contract.
4. You can continue to play games normally while holding a contract, it will not be consumed until you pick it up during a game.
5. Your teammates can see your contract now, but they cannot pick it up.
6. Once you pick up the contract, that is your one shot, there is no way to cancel it or redo it, you will need to earn another contract for another attempt.
7. Special modes do not count towards wins or streaks (loaded resurgence).
8. BR wins/streaks are independent of resurgence wins/streaks.
9. Wins/streaks carry over across squad sizes. For example winning 2 BR solos then 3 BR quads consecutively will give you your 5 win streak contract.

My sister. I love you so very much, and I admire you. Often, I even envy you. I think I care about you more than you care about me, and I feel so protective of you. Yet, frustratingly, I don’t think you really need me. I wish you did need me, and I wish you cared about me more as much as I care about you. That’s not your fault though, don’t think that it is. I don’t wish to give you the wrong idea but I think you’re so beautiful. Not in a sick, twisted way that would end in harm for everyone, but in a way that makes me oddly proud. It’s like I get to know this pretty girl and be her close friend while most don’t. You’ve always supported me, and you can make me smile when nobody else can. There are so many examples of this. You totally change the trajectory of my day so often. That’s not irregular either. A lot of the time the best part of my day was seeing you, talking to you, sometimes even just being around you. I am not drawn to you or attracted to you, let me plainly state that clearly. I feel I shouldn’t have to say that, but frustratingly I feel like the thought crosses my mind sometimes and I want to affirm that. There’s nothing wrong with you, I just see you as my sister, and you’re taken, and I need to be single. So, triple threat on that one. I feel as if the only reason I think that way sometimes is because I’m so deeply lonely and I cling on to you because I just want feminine affirmation I think. Or perhaps just normal affirmation. It’s quite difficult to analyze yourself sometimes. One day you’ll make a great wife and I wish I could be there to see it. If my Father permits me, I’ll watch from above. Or perhaps from below if I’ve made some theological mistake and salvation is different from what we think. Sister, you’re so precious to me and I wish I knew how to express the way I love you, and how deeply. In my time alive there was nothing I wouldn’t do for you. The reason for my death, in case you’re wondering, is simple. Justice. I cannot stand to think I am getting away with my depravity with no punishment. Jesus suffering in my stead has one flaw, that I don’t suffer for it. Is it truly justice if I don’t suffer? The punishment is imputed onto another and thus is unjust. That’s one part of it, but it’s also because I’m just so pathetic and can’t stand firm. I want to be strong but I am intrinsically weak. I try to lean on Him for strength but that requires that I seek him which I so often fail to do. I get caught in a loop of maybe seeking him for a little while, but eventually growing exhausted from the weight of following him and crashing into slothfulness. I don’t know why Jesus said his burden was light, it maybe be light to hold, but holding even a feather will weight you down after enough time. I also know that I’m not really a man. I’m so pathetic, in ways you will never see. So deeply depraved in ways you’ll never see. I want to be good, but I feel like I’ve seen the devil. I am the devil. The reflection I see fills me with wrath, the one who has created all of my problems. The face of whom, by his complacency has mucked his hair with the blood of those he could’ve helped. An antichrist. A monster. The enemy. Me. What a sickening naivety I have to think I could ever be excellent, or worthy. I have failed, sister. Even now I question if I was a good brother. Be honest with yourself and reflect. Was I a good brother, Torri? I love you sister. My best friend. Wise and sharp and diligent and driven. How I ache to know this may hurt you. I was supposed to protect you from pain but I fear this may cause it. Or perhaps you will be indifferent. Either way, by my death I will either be in paradise or my damnation will serve to extol God’s glory by illustrating his perfect justice forever. Love Him foremost.

-Disclaimer: This is an examination of Dottore being a complex morally grey villain that wasn't just born 100% evil, it's NOT a case that he's a good boy.-
I'll assume Zandik is Dottore since it's very likely (plus, someone tried to name their Wanderer that but it didn't work.)
Let's start with the oldest piece of lore:
-- Doctor's Pinion reveals a tragic past with unknown reasons for persecution --
When Pierro first tried to recruit Zandik / Dottore, he responded:

"Will you treat me like the Akademiya did? Will you call me a monster, a madman?" "Or will you treat me as my hometown did, and chase me away with pitchforks and clubs...?"

Some people assume the persecution was because of his experiments but it's important to note that the fact is we don't know what happened so there's a chance it wasn't something evil. That he could be chased away by "pitchforks and clubs" indicates he was weak at that point and couldn't do anything to stop it.
He also expresses a desire to merge humans with machines.

"With or without a Vision, and irrespective of their physique or combat skills,"Enhanced humans" would surely display strength far beyond the average."

This shows a desire to give power to the weak (likely including himself), even if they lack visions. Which isn't inherently a bad thing, it's just against the Akademiya's teachings. This applies even to Scaramouche, whose power had been locked by Raiden and he unlocked it.
-- Mysterious moral convictions --
Although a lot of the fandom accuses him of having no ethics or morals at all, there are several hints that this isn't the case.
He got mad at Scaramouche when told: "you only care about your crazy experiments" and told Nahida he has "his own convictions, we just don't share them" which were both conveniently not further explained. There is also the Jeht quest incident but i'll discuss it later on.
-- Eleazar hospital notes --
To briefly summarize the notes, he cured a patient using another dead patient's remains. His treatment was harsh but successful. These notes read like a Dr. House script, Dottore not giving a crap about the patient's religious beliefs included.
Abbas had a terrible ending because he had developed insanity and ran away. Zandik/ Dottore left a note warning not to let him go but it seems the staff didn't listen.
These notes align with how plague doctors were misunderstood and feared in real life. This motif was incorporated into his video game iteration, replacing the joker / clown persona.
Some people interpreted these notes as "Dottore murders and mutilates people that are alive for experiments" but there's no indication of that.
-- Aranara experiment notes --
These are the worst by far. It's unclear if the "subjects" were people with Eleazar or healthy people exposed to the withering for tests. It has to be pointed out that it seems the actions were done by his subordinates since it's likely Dottore reprimanding them at the end:

"This is a waste of resources. It is advisable to watch over the subjects' mental state in the next experiment and avoid exposing them to extreme environments... Lab Lead on duty: ████"

Yes, this sounds bad but it's proof he isn't a sadist that enjoys watching pain.
It also means he is higher in a moral standpoint than characters like Jack Horner. These type of characters don't care or enjoy deaths with the pretext of "we can always get more lackeys."
-- During the Jeht quest --
Froderock (a subordinate of Dottore) wants to capture an eremite. It is stated he is acting on his own and that Dottore gave an order not to kidnap eremites.
A note by another Fatui member states that Froderock is going to get killed for going against the order. We can theorize that the Harbinger himself would kill him. There's also a line about "following military regulations" which means his subordinates operate under a code and can't just kidnap people for experiments for the lols.

Fatui Negotiator: Professor Froderock was looking for live specimens in the desert — he always defied The Doctor's orders... That's just pure jealousy, if you ask me
...I urge you to consider, Captain Zoya, that if we are able to complete this research work in the desert, perhaps our entire expeditionary force may receive the favor of our great Harbinger... (This line has been crossed out using a red pen, and a line in red has been added: "How about you consider military regulations? Or perhaps you would like to consider how long you have left to live?")

A similar thing happened with Arlecchino in the Fortune Slip quest in Inazuma. Subordinates of her were acting on their own by following the previous Knave's teachings to make some orphans for the House.
-- *Time of Insight Artifact * --
It mentions a "mad scientist expelled by the akademia" and the text under it seems to be Dottore speaking.
The last part says:

"Those sellswords (Eremites) once did much for me. I trust they will not disappoint this time, either."

Combining Jeht quest with this makes it seem that eremites helped Dottore in some way and he is fond enough of them to slaughter a subordinate that brings them harm.
The following text seems to be Dottore's reason to want to capture Aranaras:

"The dream had to be captured — along with the inhabitants of the forest who could control dreams, To remind that friend once again of one's own form and the memories that were shared.
If the organ that governs memory has taken too much damage and cannot be healed, Then bring another old friend and dwell in dreams of the past together, Play in a small tree house, and explore the limitless depth of the jungle. Yes, that would be nice as well. For in dreams, everyone has a chance to start over."

I couldn't find more info about this "friend". It seems to be someone who suffered the effects of erosion or death, or an aranara that lost their memory.
-- Al Haitham's SQ --
Alhaitham: (To Siraj / the villain, after praising his intelligence)

"You would never let a test subject escape. Mistakes like that are beneath you, and you also won't leave any mistake without a resolution."

This is relevant because we know Dottore is canonically smarter than Siraj yet he didn't hunt down Collei (Barnabas is the one that traumatized and wanted to kill her), Abbas or Scara. It's a known thing there's a Fatui code that traitors and deserters are executed to avoid spilling secrets. Dottore leaves even Scara alone, you may argue that he was lazy but suspiciously Childe, who during Labyrinth Warriors was chasing Scara, soon appeared in Inazuma in a photo taking event, leaving for Snezhnaya, after Scara lost his gnosis.
It was never explained why Childe was chasing him to take away the Gnosis yet suddenly Scara appeared with Dottore without Childe. This is suspicious because Childe loves to fight, to the point he wanted to fight Arle while recovering on her SQ. He didn't even show up to finish off Scaramouche at the end.
To play Devil's advocate, it could also be Scaramouche is a part of some unknown plan too and nothing to do with mercy.
-- Dottore's speech to Niwa --
Taking into account Nahida's story that says: "the monster found solace in the kitten", the black bird referring to himself as "a monstrosity yet they are too foolish to see it" and Dottore's lines to Pierro:

"Will you call me a monster, a madman?"

Dottore sees himself as an inhuman monster. It puts into question if the following line wasn't just about Scaramouche and is actually a metaphor of Dottore speaking about his past:

"Escher: Even without you, that pure, innocent puppet would only end up being used by someone else instead. What other reason would a human have for befriending one who is not of our kind?"

Although Dottore refers to himself as "human", the two lines I quoted previously contradict this. Mentally he sees himself as not human (to the point of finding solace in a living puppet), even though his words say otherwise. There is also a chance this Dottore was no longer human at all, the Nahida story shows the monster bird had tiny floating birds around, even though he hadn't studied Scaramouche to create the segments.
There is also a stark contrast between Dottore joining the Fatui expresing concern over been rejected again yet he is embracing his monster persona in the Niwa scene.

"Escher: Think of me as a monster or a demon, if you wish... "

It could be a sign of a person with trauma who steered into an evil path. Kept getting called a monster until he accepted it.
There could be many reasons for the change, besides being used, -incoming pure speculation- he could have experimented on himself to have less emotions or taking this quote into account: "everyone has a chance to start over in dreams" he believes he can commit atrocities and it won't matter because he plans to do a reset somehow.

" The Doctor: Jester, I have completed the task you gave me. Creating a gap and infiltrating Inazuma's inner workings... Heh, what fun it was. The Doctor: I'd like to introduce a puppet to you. If he proves useful, let's make him our newest comrade. And if not... let's turn him to dust."

The bold part is more clues of either future Scara related scheming or Dottore's words are an act, mercy was shown when he became useless. It also seems that Pierro stirred him into a darker path.
I wouldn't say it's confirmation that Pierro is pure evil because we barely know anything about him, there's a chance it was for some greater good since that's a trend with the Harbingers.
-- Possible Sohreh murder --
At first glance, it seems way too obvious that Zandik did it, it's like watching a murder mystery movie and the first suspect is a red herring.
Since people frequently incorrectly state: "Dottore murdered a girl while they were having a picnic" like a fact, I'm going to make a deep dive into these notes:
First there is no clear motive for him killing Sohreh. (Niwa had a purpose.)

attack of Rishboland Tigers. In need of first aid..."

The bold part implies she was still alive while Zandik was dealing with the Ruin Guard. The broken bone didn't happen during the picnic while he was alone with her. She was declared dead and buried after the attack, she could have been killed during it while everyone was distracted.
-Does the Akademiya think that Zandik is responsible?-
There is a message board that says he was investigated over her murder.
The lack of motive combined with Zandik only receiving negative consequences from saving the team makes me think he was framed and acted on impulse / emotion when saving them or he turned it on to spook the tigers and it accidentally killed her.
Why? He could have just ran away and let everyone die to not reveal he was hiding ruin guard knowledge. Which he expressed on the notes that he didn't want the rest to know:

"I am going to take them (Ruin guards) apart, and record the size and shape one by one...
...But first of all, this secret must not be revealed to the other team members..."
...Thank goodness, Zandik reacted quickly. Otherwise, the whole team would be in serious trouble..."

-Some people argue that "running away and letting everyone die would have been too suspicious so he saved them."
It's more likely he was just a weak regular human at that point in his life so it wouldn't have been too suspicious to run away / he actually risked his life to shut it down.-
The 2 burned notes both state: "Someone seems to have burnt the contents in a hurry" it could have been the person trying to frame him. One of them is a note about the Ruin Guards and has Zandik's signature, they may have wanted to steal credit of his research.
-Regarding who framed Dottore, u/Sandflow_23 commented an excellent theory
lt seems Zandik didn't care much about Sohreh's death since he proceeded to ask the team to take back the Ruinguard while she was bleeding but the Eleazar hospital notes come after this incident. Was this his first instance of curing people?
Did being unable to save someone influence him in some way? It may just be coincidental but it's worth taking note. I'm trying to look at all possibilities.
People usually see Sohreh's note as "she learned Dottore's secret so he murdered her" But something I haven't seen discussed is how there is also a chance he trusted her and decided to open up to people more. Previously he said studying Ruinguards could get him kicked out but after the following note by Sohreh, he decided to try to convince his team to take back the ruin guard:

"...Zandik was attracted by the ancient machines left behind by some civilization here...
We had a great time and decided to go on a picnic tonight..."

Finally, to play Devil's Advocate: it seems he also had another secret mission that was never explained.

"...It's a shame that documents regarding its (the giant golem's) energy supply systems have been lost, and I have far too important a mission to accomplish to afford to start from scratch. If not..."

He could have killed her because she learned that secret but it's still weird that he'd go and choke her with people focused on him speaking about Ruinguard studies.
-- Arle SQ --
Lyney said "he proposed the direction of the research " for the bottled flames. That he wants to give people "a chance to start over" was also hinted in Time of Insight artifact. I won't be surprised if it turns out most of the injured kids he took from Crucabena are actually fine. The Eremites, which he didn't want his subordinates to kidnap, were also healthy, so this is another instance of him seeking to work with weak people to give them power. I'm NOT denying there's a chance he wants to use it for some other plan like burning the tree like other Redditors have proposed
Finally, there remains the question of which Dottore would be playable. I predict the original or Omega. (Knocking off the angelic new segment theory)
We don't know if the original is alive, since Raiden destroyed her physical body (and the segments were based on Scaramouche) he could be dead BUT giving a kill switch to Omega may have a deeper meaning. Like those fragments of his mind from dead segments will re-materialize in an empty segment or object his soul is bound to or go back to Omega and change his personality, the former sounds like FullMetal Alchemist but a Remuria quest confirms this is a thing in Genshin.
Finally done, sorry if this is ridiculously long but I wanted to provide quotes to sustain the arguments, especially since some people hate him so much based on mostly misinformation.

I am a young male and wrote this to my dear friend recently before backing out of suicide.
My sister. I love you so very much, and I admire you. Often, I even envy you. I think I care about you more than you care about me, and I feel so protective of you. Yet, frustratingly, I don’t think you really need me. I wish you did need me, and I wish you cared about me more as much as I care about you. That’s not your fault though, don’t think that it is. I don’t wish to give you the wrong idea but I think you’re so beautiful. Not in a sick, twisted way that would end in harm for everyone, but in a way that makes me oddly proud. It’s like I get to know this pretty girl and be her close friend while most don’t. You’ve always supported me, and you can make me smile when nobody else can. There are so many examples of this. You totally change the trajectory of my day so often. That’s not irregular either. A lot of the time the best part of my day was seeing you, talking to you, sometimes even just being around you. I am not drawn to you or attracted to you, let me plainly state that clearly. I feel I shouldn’t have to say that, but frustratingly I feel like the thought crosses my mind sometimes and I want to affirm that. There’s nothing wrong with you, I just see you as my sister, and you’re taken, and I need to be single. So, triple threat on that one. I feel as if the only reason I think that way sometimes is because I’m so deeply lonely and I cling on to you because I just want feminine affirmation I think. Or perhaps just normal affirmation. It’s quite difficult to analyze yourself sometimes. One day you’ll make a great wife and I wish I could be there to see it. If my Father permits me, I’ll watch from above. Or perhaps from below if I’ve made some theological mistake and salvation is different from what we think. Sister, you’re so precious to me and I wish I knew how to express the way I love you, and how deeply. In my time alive there was nothing I wouldn’t do for you. The reason for my death, in case you’re wondering, is simple. Justice. I cannot stand to think I am getting away with my depravity with no punishment. Jesus suffering in my stead has one flaw, that I don’t suffer for it. Is it truly justice if I don’t suffer? The punishment is imputed onto another and thus is unjust. That’s one part of it, but it’s also because I’m just so pathetic and can’t stand firm. I want to be strong but I am intrinsically weak. I try to lean on Him for strength but that requires that I seek him which I so often fail to do. I get caught in a loop of maybe seeking him for a little while, but eventually growing exhausted from the weight of following him and crashing into slothfulness. I don’t know why Jesus said his burden was light, it maybe be light to hold, but holding even a feather will weight you down after enough time. I also know that I’m not really a man. I’m so pathetic, in ways you will never see. So deeply depraved in ways you’ll never see. I want to be good, but I feel like I’ve seen the devil. I am the devil. The reflection I see fills me with wrath, the one who has created all of my problems. The face of whom, by his complacency has mucked his hair with the blood of those he could’ve helped. An antichrist. A monster. The enemy. Me. What a sickening naivety I have to think I could ever be excellent, or worthy. I have failed, sister. Even now I question if I was a good brother. Be honest with yourself and reflect. Was I a good brother, Torri? I love you sister. My best friend. Wise and sharp and diligent and driven. How I ache to know this may hurt you. I was supposed to protect you from pain but I fear this may cause it. Or perhaps you will be indifferent. Either way, by my death I will either be in paradise or my damnation will serve to extol God’s glory by illustrating his perfect justice forever. Love Him foremost.

So i'm kind of at a loss. i had a cleaning where they told me i had two cavities. I got fillings middle of April. After the fillings i started experiencing pain in one tooth (no pain prior to the filling). after going back a couple of times to try and address the problem (and getting nowhere) i decided to try a new dentist. that dentist then told me i had 21 cavities that needed to be filled (about 1.5 months after my initial scans from the other dentist) and gave me a $7000 treatment plan. Just last week i went to a dental clinic that said i only had one tooth they were worried about (not my painful one). they checked for a root canal on the tooth giving me pain and found nothing. are my teeth actually okay? what do i do about the tooth giving me pain if no one can find what's wrong

I’ve been lurking in this sub for a minute. The posts and comments relating to people’s experiences getting the endoscopy were very helpful and reassuring for me, as I was pretty anxious about getting one done. I wanted to share my experience of having the procedure today in case it would help anyone else who has been putting it off, or worried about the prospect of having an endoscopy.
The procedure (with sedation) was super quick and easy. No pain, no discomfort. The anticipation was way worse than the event. Honestly, as I’ve read so many times on here, it really was a non event. The sedative goes in, next thing you know, it’s over and you’re in recovery feeling great, a bit sleepy and relaxed, with little to no recollection of the procedure. You get the feedback from the doctor straight away (except for biopsy results that will come a bit later). In comparison, getting a filling at the dentist is worse.
I couldn’t eat ~6 hours before the procedure, and no liquid ~3.5 hours before the procedure. I was in the hospital for about 2 hours total. I was there for about 45 mins before the procedure, had the cannula put in (didn’t hurt), signing consent forms, waiting etc. Then I was into the endoscopy room, and got on the bed. They gave me the numbing throat spray, two lots of about 8 sprays each time. “It tastes like wasabi vodka and banana” the nurse told me! It tasted a bit weird but fine, you swallow it and makes your mouth and throat numb, but it’s totally fine. I then had to lie in the recovery position and put a mouth guard in, then they adminstered the sedation. They did the endoscopy procedure and it took about 5 mins, I don’t really remember any of it. The next thing I know, I’m in the recovery bay. I wait here whilst the sedative and numbing throat spray wear off. The nurses continued to monitor my heart rate / blood pressure / pulse rate. After about an hour they brought me biscuits, water, and green tea, and told me to phone my partner to come get me. The doctor comes and explains what he’s seen inside, and tells me it will be 7-14 days for the biopsy results. The nurse takes me out to reception where my partner is waiting, and the nurse explains a few things to my partner in case I forget due to the sedative (results, don’t leave me alone for 24 hours, don’t let me drive / drink alcohol, don’t work tomorrow, rest and drink lots of water).
I’m in the UK, and had it done at a private hospital. As I understand you’re usually not offered a sedative by the NHS. The sedative was Midazolam (Versed). The doc took 10 biopsies. The doc said everything looked healthy and normal which was reassuring, but doesn’t help explain my acid reflux symptoms. Some redness on the right hand side of my throat where it’s been sore.
I’d have no hesitation doing it again with the sedation, as it took all the anxiety out of it. Others I know who had it without the sedation said it was a bit strange but not too bad.
My symptoms prior to getting the endoscope were bouts of acid reflux, water brash / sour taste in mouth, difficulty swallowing, sore throat etc. PPIs (Lansoprazole 30mg) helped, along side cleaning up my diet and sleeping on a wedge pillow.
My friend told me to get the endoscopy even if PPIs helped after his dad was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer. I probably wouldn’t have got the endoscopy if he’d not told me that as I was anxious about doing it, but the reassurance or some sort of diagnosis are better than burying your head in the sand.
Hard decisions = easy life
Easy decisions = hard life

I don’t have the courage to go through with it, but I want someone to see my thoughts about my love for my dear friend.
My sister. I love you so very much, and I admire you. Often, I even envy you. I think I care about you more than you care about me, and I feel so protective of you. Yet, frustratingly, I don’t think you really need me. I wish you did need me, and I wish you cared about me more as much as I care about you. That’s not your fault though, don’t think that it is. I don’t wish to give you the wrong idea but I think you’re so beautiful. Not in a sick, twisted way that would end in harm for everyone, but in a way that makes me oddly proud. It’s like I get to know this pretty girl and be her close friend while most don’t. You’ve always supported me, and you can make me smile when nobody else can. There are so many examples of this. You totally change the trajectory of my day so often. That’s not irregular either. A lot of the time the best part of my day was seeing you, talking to you, sometimes even just being around you. I am not drawn to you or attracted to you, let me plainly state that clearly. I feel I shouldn’t have to say that, but frustratingly I feel like the thought crosses my mind sometimes and I want to affirm that. There’s nothing wrong with you, I just see you as my sister, and you’re taken, and I need to be single. So, triple threat on that one. I feel as if the only reason I think that way sometimes is because I’m so deeply lonely and I cling on to you because I just want feminine affirmation I think. Or perhaps just normal affirmation. It’s quite difficult to analyze yourself sometimes. One day you’ll make a great wife and I wish I could be there to see it. If my Father permits me, I’ll watch from above. Or perhaps from below if I’ve made some theological mistake and salvation is different from what we think. Sister, you’re so precious to me and I wish I knew how to express the way I love you, and how deeply. In my time alive there was nothing I wouldn’t do for you. The reason for my death, in case you’re wondering, is simple. Justice. I cannot stand to think I am getting away with my depravity with no punishment. Jesus suffering in my stead has one flaw, that I don’t suffer for it. Is it truly justice if I don’t suffer? The punishment is imputed onto another and thus is unjust. That’s one part of it, but it’s also because I’m just so pathetic and can’t stand firm. I want to be strong but I am intrinsically weak. I try to lean on Him for strength but that requires that I seek him which I so often fail to do. I get caught in a loop of maybe seeking him for a little while, but eventually growing exhausted from the weight of following him and crashing into slothfulness. I don’t know why Jesus said his burden was light, it maybe be light to hold, but holding even a feather will weight you down after enough time. I also know that I’m not really a man. I’m so pathetic, in ways you will never see. So deeply depraved in ways you’ll never see. I want to be good, but I feel like I’ve seen the devil. I am the devil. The reflection I see fills me with wrath, the one who has created all of my problems. The face of whom, by his complacency has mucked his hair with the blood of those he could’ve helped. An antichrist. A monster. The enemy. Me. What a sickening naivety I have to think I could ever be excellent, or worthy. I have failed, sister. Even now I question if I was a good brother. Be honest with yourself and reflect. Was I a good brother, Torri? I love you sister. My best friend. Wise and sharp and diligent and driven. How I ache to know this may hurt you. I was supposed to protect you from pain but I fear this may cause it. Or perhaps you will be indifferent. Either way, by my death I will either be in paradise or my damnation will serve to extol God’s glory by illustrating his perfect justice forever. Love Him foremost.

My sister. I love you so very much, and I admire you. Often, I even envy you. I think I care about you more than you care about me, and I feel so protective of you. Yet, frustratingly, I don’t think you really need me. I wish you did need me, and I wish you cared about me more as much as I care about you. That’s not your fault though, don’t think that it is. I don’t wish to give you the wrong idea but I think you’re so beautiful. Not in a sick, twisted way that would end in harm for everyone, but in a way that makes me oddly proud. It’s like I get to know this pretty girl and be her close friend while most don’t. You’ve always supported me, and you can make me smile when nobody else can. There are so many examples of this. You totally change the trajectory of my day so often. That’s not irregular either. A lot of the time the best part of my day was seeing you, talking to you, sometimes even just being around you. I am not drawn to you or attracted to you, let me plainly state that clearly. I feel I shouldn’t have to say that, but frustratingly I feel like the thought crosses my mind sometimes and I want to affirm that. There’s nothing wrong with you, I just see you as my sister, and you’re taken, and I need to be single. So, triple threat on that one. I feel as if the only reason I think that way sometimes is because I’m so deeply lonely and I cling on to you because I just want feminine affirmation I think. Or perhaps just normal affirmation. It’s quite difficult to analyze yourself sometimes. One day you’ll make a great wife and I wish I could be there to see it. If my Father permits me, I’ll watch from above. Or perhaps from below if I’ve made some theological mistake and salvation is different from what we think. Sister, you’re so precious to me and I wish I knew how to express the way I love you, and how deeply. In my time alive there was nothing I wouldn’t do for you. The reason for my death, in case you’re wondering, is simple. Justice. I cannot stand to think I am getting away with my depravity with no punishment. Jesus suffering in my stead has one flaw, that I don’t suffer for it. Is it truly justice if I don’t suffer? The punishment is imputed onto another and thus is unjust. That’s one part of it, but it’s also because I’m just so pathetic and can’t stand firm. I want to be strong but I am intrinsically weak. I try to lean on Him for strength but that requires that I seek him which I so often fail to do. I get caught in a loop of maybe seeking him for a little while, but eventually growing exhausted from the weight of following him and crashing into slothfulness. I don’t know why Jesus said his burden was light, it maybe be light to hold, but holding even a feather will weight you down after enough time. I also know that I’m not really a man. I’m so pathetic, in ways you will never see. So deeply depraved in ways you’ll never see. I want to be good, but I feel like I’ve seen the devil. I am the devil. The reflection I see fills me with wrath, the one who has created all of my problems. The face of whom, by his complacency has mucked his hair with the blood of those he could’ve helped. An antichrist. A monster. The enemy. Me. What a sickening naivety I have to think I could ever be excellent, or worthy. I have failed, sister. Even now I question if I was a good brother. Be honest with yourself and reflect. Was I a good brother, my friend? I love you sister. My best friend. Wise and sharp and diligent and driven. How I ache to know this may hurt you. I was supposed to protect you from pain but I fear this may cause it. Or perhaps you will be indifferent. Either way, by my death I will either be in paradise or my damnation will serve to extol God’s glory by illustrating his perfect justice forever. Love Him foremost.

I decided to make a short post about how music IS haram, as someone who’s believed it’s halal my entire life until recently.
The Hadith
The main Hadith used to source that music is haram is the following;
“Among my ummah there will certainly be people who permit zina, silk, alcohol and musical instruments…” (Narrated by al-Bukhari ta’liqan, no. 5590; narrated as mawsul by al-Tabarani and al-Bayhaqi. See al-Silsilah al-Sahihah by al-Albani, 91)
How come now in today’s world there *are* people who permit musical instruments nowadays? Just like what prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said? Indeed there are no coincidences in the Quran. One argument against this Hadith is that the prophet (peace be upon him) is referring to musical instruments accompanied by zina, silk, oand alcohol, but that’s just not true because that’s not what he said. Another argument is that it’s okay to listen to musical instruments but not playing them cause of how for example you can’t drink alcohol but you can watch someone else drink alcohol. While this argument does have merit, this next Hadith kind of disproves it:
“And of mankind is he who purchases idle talks (i.e. music) to mislead (men) from the path of Allah…” [Luqman 31:6]
It disproves the argument because it says purchasing music, not playing musical instruments.
—
Therefore, music is haram.
Now, how to quit music? Here’s a guide I wrote on another site.
ᯓ★ (step 1 - acceptance) ᯓᡣ? ! ༘⋆
first of all, you’ll need to accept that it’s haram. for so long I would specifically search for sources that say it’s halal instead of accepting the facts I naturally found. the hadiths clearly state it is and yes there is a chance it’s not, but it most likely is. you as a Muslim should take what it most likely is as your belief. this life is temporary but the afterlife will be permanent, do your best to go to jannah. take this: how come the hadith which says it’s haram was saying that there will be people who will consider musical instruments as permissible and there will be punishment for them, and musical instruments is what some people now consider as permissible? Indeed there are no coincidences in the Quran.
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ᯓ★ (step 2 - stopping) ᯓᡣ? ! ༘⋆
well, yeah, step 2 is where it begins. just.. stopping. at the beginning, just.. stop. don’t listen to music. you’ll find it easy at the beginning but then the silence might start to break you because you’re so used to having music in the background 24/7. when you’re at that point, don’t give in. just don’t. try listening to some nasheeds, nasheeds work great as a substitute atleast for me, and they are a great way I’m getting through this stage of quitting. and no, you don’t have to leave your favorite music artists, you can search for acapella versions of their songs and your likely to find some. while you won’t find every song, you can possibly upload some yourself using AI tools to extract vocals and uploading as podcasts however you may wanna look into copyright issues with that !!. acapella songs will inevitably not feel the same. you might find yourself craving the normal versions of those very songs but remember: all of this is for a reason, Allah knows best and you’re doing this for jannah. the songs that you’ll avoid in this world are the ones you can listen to in the next. though, here’s a tip, nasheeds fill in the gap of music better then acapella cause of the way vocals are placed in the background, so try to listen to them more -`♡´-
———————
ᯓ★ (step 2-2 - stopping for musicians) ᯓᡣ? ! ༘⋆
you can skip this part if you aren’t a music producer or musician or someone who wanted to learn instruments.
I recommend that you watch other videos and stuff for help on this as I’m really not the best person to give advice on how to quit music for musicians, but I’m putting this here anyways. this might be incredibly painful for you and I assume you tried to convince yourself it’s halal more then anyone else. if you’ve been learning instruments for years it might be really difficult to accept this but just put the instruments away and think. try to remember that this world is just a test. you’ll be able to play these instruments in the next world, and it may feel like all this effort in learning has been wasted but it’s not, you can use that effort in jannah inshallah. I personally have a guitar that I planned on learning but it has sat in my closet for a while, and now I know it’s gone to waste hurts me alot I won’t lie, I cried last night because of it. but I came to terms when I remembered what this is for, what IM for. life is a test and never forget that. it may be incredibly painful to quit, leave, and forget music especially for you as a music producer or musician, but it’s all worth it I promise you.
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ᯓ★ (step 3 - removing music from your ugc) ᯓᡣ? ! ༘⋆
ugc stands for user generated content. now you’ll need to remove the music from the content you have posted on sites such as youtube, etc. for youtube, look for tutorials on how to replace audios from already posted youtube videos, I can’t explain it in text lol. it’s really easy to remove audios from yt videos luckily. some other sites come to mind but I don’t have time to mention all of them, so just look for tutorials and stuff. the reason you need to remove the music from all ur ugc is because correct me if I’m wrong, the bad deeds of those who listen to the music from ur ugc will be on you.
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ᯓ★ (step 4 - avoiding music) ᯓᡣ? ! ༘⋆
now for avoiding music. music is EVERYWHERE and it’s incredibly difficult to avoid it. try to not go to restaurants and places that play music but if you can’t then just cover your ears, if you can’t do that then try to ignore it, and if you can’t do that then just try to not care about it and pretend it doesn’t exist even if it’s hard to ignore. when watching stuff like YouTube shorts, mute ur audio, check the video/sound if you’re pretty sure it doesn’t have music, unmute, then repeat.
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So uh yeah that’s it bye! Also feel free to argue against my points or correct any mistake I made. This is just my observation of music and Islam as someone who has had an obsession with music and as someone has believed it’s halal for a long portion of my life.

Hello! My cat (a 4 years old female) has recurrent mouth ulcers, which we suspect to be EGC. Today I brought her to the vet because her ulcer was getting worse (I noticed a lump right next to her nose, which doesn't seem painful but seems to be filled with pus). He prescribed steroids and antibiotics, but said that if it keeps happening, the solution is to remove all of her teeth. I was really surprised by this, I never heard of this. I asked if she couldn't be on steroids on a regular basis to keep it at bay and he said he didn't think that was good for her.
I wanted to hear from you if any of you went through that before. Removing all her teeth seems very aggressive and I feel it'd be very upsetting for her as well. I've changed her food, replaced her bowls with ceramic ones, try not to use any scented products and all that, but it keeps recurring. So far, the only thing I know for sure that gives hers a flare up of EGC is any kind of treats. Thank you!