Tired of getting hurt quotes

I've tried 3 chairs, and yet i still can't seem to find one I really enjoy. I've tried:

• Sihoo M57
• Steelcase Amia
• Steelcase Leap V2

I get nothing but Issues. I really like the feeling of mesh. I'm currently on the Leap V2, it's great for sitting up straight. I will give it that. But when you lean back the chair seems to feel too hard and pushes into your body.
I'm tired of testing and returning. I just want a decent gaming ergonomic chair that doesn't give me pain

Are you seeking a journey of self improvement, pleasure within a structured/caring dynamic and to be someone's personal toy? You've come to the right place. Hello there, I'm a 28 year old Korean, standing at 5'10" with brown eyes and dark hair, currently weighing 190 pounds and actively working on it by going to the gym 5 days a week/having 10k+ steps a day.
I've been in BDSM 10 years, I seek a balance between non-sexual and sexual dynamics, exploring shared kinks, and cherishing our time together beyond the intimate moments. In a relationship, I look to build a firm foundation which will be made as we get to know one another. There will be no rushing, my priority is knowing that you feel safe and comfortable.
Outside of my dominant role, I work as a pharmacy tech who's studying for nursing. In my free time I relax by watching films like Stranger Things, 1899, Gravity Falls, Adventure Tales, many animes and many more. I also PC game, playing games like League of Legends and The Finals, outdoor ventures, cooking, and spending quality time with friends. Don't worry, oppa will carry you in League.
As a Dominant, I'm strict yet soft, my goal is to guide you towards becoming the best version of yourself and for you to fully submit to me. An example of this is if you're not drinking enough water or eating enough. I will task you to send me pictures of the water you're drinking or you eating enough at a certain time. In moments where discipline is necessary, it will be used to accordingly. In moments where it's long distance and I can't use physical discipline, I wont use the silent treatment as a punishment.
When given a command, I expect you to follow them. Your obedience will be rewarded with pleasure and affectionate affirmations like, "What a good girl you are". Affirmation will also be used in bed of course, "What a good little slut you are." After a tiring day at work, if I tell you to get on your knees and pleasure me, I expect you to do so without hesitation. When I tell you to get on the bed on all fours naked, I will reward you by compounding my cock into your eager pussy. When I tell you to hold back your orgasm, I want you to give it your all. With me, you won't have boring sex, you will have great sex.
After our sessions together, aftercare will be given essentially. Aftercare includes cuddling up together and catching our breathes. Using affirmation of how much of a great job you did, helping each other clean up one another, talking about what we did great and something we'd like to try next time. I schedule one or two video sessions per week, where I can provide commands and direct your actions as I please.
My kinks are: * BDSM * CNC * Cock warming * Creampies * Cunnilingus * Dominance * Degrading * Orgasm denial * Praise play * Sadist * Spanking
My limits are: * Blood play * Leaving permanent marks (Like branding, I don't mind tattoos) * Piercing skins with foreign objects (Not piercings) * Scats * Toilet play * Watersport
What you can expect from me, someone who: * Is affectionate, dependable, empathetic genuine, humorful, intelligent, loyal, patient, perceptive, respectful and understanding * That will check up on you on a daily basis, communicating with you and genuinely care for how you are doing. * Will be committed in building a structure with you, a foundation to make every moment of our time together that much more meaningful. * Will be there for you. * That won't push you, unless it's for your benefits and you want to be pushed. * Will give you all my attention when we are together. * Will gladly and repeatedly give affirmation when it is needed. * Has a physical love language, cuddling, hugging, kissing, and of course spanking.
What I'm searching for, someone who's: * Someone who goes to the gym/has an active life style. (This is preferred and not required) * Age 21 and over(Maybe 18+) * Looking to communicate * Seeking a mono relationship * Both local and long distance connections are welcomed.
If you decide to reach out, tell me about yourself. Your age, name, location, interests, hobbies, desires in a Dominant/lifestyle, as well as your kinks and limits.

Previous Entry
Writing these things has made me realize how different I sound these days. Back when all this started I’m not sure I even spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak like I do now but to be honest, I don’t remember. Trying to recall things to write has made me realize exactly how many little things I’ve forgotten over the years. The sights, the sounds, all those fade into the background of most events.
Even something as visceral as Archer’s basement still takes me a while to recall clearly. I wonder if it’s more than just my long life, we do age after all. I mentioned before that sunlight is not deadly to vampires like myself but very unpleasant, that and it makes us more normal. In the sun I won’t be as strong as I would be in the dark and by my assessment I age in the sun as well. Not any faster than a normal person but I do age, its why I don’t still look like that little boy stuck in Paris anymore.
I did spend quite some time in Paris before I left or rather, escaped. I’m not sure I ever would have left if not for the war. I didn’t have many friends there save for other… I’m not sure what to call them… entities? Whatever you want to cal it I had some friends in the more supernatural parts of the city. A vampire named Belle had become a sort of mother figure to me over the years spent there.
I met her by chance one night as I sated myself in an alley. I was ready to fight but she just laughed and flashed her own fangs at me, ridiculing me for being so careless. It was under her wing where I learned everything I know now about vampires. It’s where I realized not all vampires endure sunlight as well as I do, if anything that one trait is what’s most unique about me according to her. But thats not the story I want to tell on these pages tonight. I want to tell the story of lieutenant Marsh and the real beginnings of the organization that would become Chimera.
When war came to Paris that summer I was unprepared. I never expected the war to spiral out of hand so quickly or for it to force me out of my home. I was with Belle and a few more of her friends whose names escape me waiting out the worst of it and hoping things would blow over in the city soon. Obviously we were completely misguided, it was that sense of invulnerability again just the same as when I was a boy. The world was our playground and nothing could hurt us. It didn’t help that in some ways I really was invulnerable and it went straight to my head.
Only flashes of my memory from that day remain. I remember the nazi soldier kicking in the door and firing at Belle’s friends. I remember the screaming that abruptly ended in a single gunshot. I remember the trail of blood leading to her friends body where it lay staked to the ground in the sun. We heal fast, not instantly but much faster than a human. Put us in sunlight though, and we’re just as fragile as a normal person. It was the first time I’d seen someone with abilities like ours die and it made me feel mortal again for the first time in decades.
The rest of the day is a disjointed blur. Belle and I fled the city, I blank out on the specifics of it but we made it out with some difficulty. After that we hunkered down for the night in a rickety old shack. I remember wanting to push on through the day but Belle protested, she didn’t deal with the sun as well as I did. When night finally fell we fled to the coast and managed to catch a ship heading towards the United States.
The trip was unpleasant to say the least, neither of us made good stowaways. We weren’t living life in the lap of luxury before by any means but we lived comfortably. This was a far cry from what we were used to in Paris and the welcome we received was even worse. Apparently fleeing for your own survival is a crime, both of us were separated and sent to prison on our arrival to the states for stowing away on the ship.
That was the last time I ever saw Belle, I get letters from her every now and then but I haven’t seen her in person since. She does well for herself, works in D.C. as a sort of handler for the supernatural. Regrettably she does work with Chimera, says they have the best interests at heart for the supernatural but she doesn’t see what I see out here. She doesn’t know the part I played in its creation, what it really stood for in the beginning. Chimera tends to kill first these days rather than actually try to help or give the supernatural some kind of place in the world. I think thats why I haven’t been to visit her, I just don’t want to argue with a friend as old as her. Funnily enough I don’t think anyone knows she’s a vampire. I doubt they’d take that very well, she’d probably lose her position. They must have suspicions though because theres no way she’d be able to get letters to me without Baelen knowing about it. Every few months they keep showing up though and I always make sure to write her back.
Anyways I’m getting off topic, back to my story. I was in prison for months until an offer came my way, serve the rest of my sentence or enlist in the army and be a free man when I came back, if I came back. Of course I took the offer, I didn’t realize how suspicious that deal sounded at the time but it actually played out exactly as they said. I also didn’t have much of a choice in the matter either. It was hard to get my hands on any blood when I was almost constantly under watch and I could feel the effects it was having on me. I figured it would be best to get a change of scenery.
The next week I was off to training then not long after, we shipped out to the trenches and met the commander of the platoon I’d been assigned to. That’s the first time I met Lieutenant Johnson Marsh and what a man he was. That first day I was convinced I’d never see a smile ever again, the trenches were a horrible depressing place. But there Marsh was, laughing and smiling and just generally enjoying life with the rest of the platoon. He was either crazy or stupid, thats what my first thoughts about him were. I remember those clearly even today but I couldn’t have been more wrong. If anything he may have turned out to be one of the smartest men I ever knew.
The first few weeks were spent holding our position from the germans. It was brutal but I found I was a decent shot with the rifle I was given. Marsh on the other hand spent those weeks barking orders at us and keeping us in line. He never used a rifle like most of the soldiers used. Instead he kept a Beretta m9 with him at all times. That weapon was the only one I ever saw him use. I remember the name only because he was so found of explaining everything there was to know about the gun to me whenever I questioned him about it. You could immediately recognize the pistol as his by its strange grip. One side of it had a picture of an idyllic scene of a manor house in the middle of a sprawling field. The other had a painting of a woman, his wife I’d guess but he never actually told me if that was there case. He seemed to spend the nights staring with longing at each side of the artistic grip.
I’d never really had a family, even with Belle I’d always felt like I was a bit of an outsider. There was so much I didn’t know about how normal people lived. Even though I’d had friends in Paris we were always kind of hidden away in our own personal corner. There was this separation between us and normal life, even between the other supernaturals in the area.
Here I felt like I was part of something though. Sure I was still lost but so was everyone else, we could be lost together and Marsh would always set us straight in the end. There was something about the man, some piece of him that just understood what we were all going through. He expected a lot from us but he was never unreasonable and several times even argued with command on our behalf when ridiculous orders came our way. I actually wanted to serve with him. The rest of the platoon wasn’t bad but they’d all been given the same deal as me. They were all just there to get out of prison. I’m still not sure what Marsh’s story was, he always kept that to himself but any of us would’ve taken a bullet for that man.
Our first real assignment came maybe three months into my period of indentured service. Our platoon was tasked with rescuing a captured American scientist and capturing a German scientist. The scientists in question were Frank Smith and Stein Hoffman and no, the irony of those names is not lost on me, fits the two of them though. I’m sure doctor Frankenstein wishes he was successful as those two. But before those orders could be acted on we had to overtake a German trench surrounding the compound they were staying in.
That fight was bloody and we lost several good men in the chaos. At one point a trench gun was shoved into my arms and I launched myself into the German trench. I wouldn’t be surprised if ghost stories are still passed around of what I did that day. After I made my way over and into the German trench I lashed out with all I had. Moving with superhuman speed and lashing out with both the bayonet affixed to my gun and my fangs, I fell upon the Germans. They stood little chance as I tore into them and all by my lonesome I ensured we’d face no more resistance.
Marsh was the first over into the now silent trench, I’m glad it was him because I’m not sure anyone else would’ve understood like him. I was holding the German officer to the trench wall, fangs buried in his neck as I fed when I heard footsteps behind me. I dropped him and turned to see Marsh staring questioningly at me. I must’ve been a sight to see, blood dripping from my mouth and covering my bullet torn uniform. Marsh steadied himself for a moment and shouted back to the rest of the platoon,
“Boys hold up a second! Just get down and stay up there a minute won’tcha!”
All of a sudden he took a step forward and a well mannered grin took its usual place on his lips.
“Though You didn’t care for sauerkraut J.?”
The joke stunned me, I fully expected him to shoot me then and there, put me down like the abomination I must’ve looked like to him.
“Lieutenant I…”
But Marsh raised his hands to cut me off.
“Command’d probably want me to shoot’cha, hell maybe I aught’a but I don’t think it’d be right. You seem decent, little odd sure but you’ve got heart, I see it in the way you look out for the boys. Plus I always figured there was some’n off about you. The way you stay out’a the light always seem a little faster and stronger than anyone got the right to be just didn’t figure it’d be…. That.”
Marsh told me pointing to the punctures in the officers neck.
“Thank you lieutenant, Could we keep this between us though sir?”
“Drop the formalities J. Jesus! We’re all friends here.”
“I just don’t want the others to know, they may not be as understanding as you.”
“No can do, but you can tell em’ yourself. Alright men, get on down here!”
In all my years I’d never had to explain myself to anyone up until that point. I guess that day my number was up but I never knew just how understanding people, normal people could be. I’d always lived around the supernatural in Paris, didn’t interact much with the normal people I saw in the streets every day, I didn’t have to. I’d always assumed there was a reason for that but in the moment I realized there wasn’t, not really. I’d just avoided normal people because I feared what they’d think if it came out that I wasn’t like them.
Of course There were some of the men that objected to… what I was. Most of them took after Marsh though. They didn’t really care what I was, I’d proven to them I was a good person and thats all that mattered. I just wish they’d been right about me back then because the truth was I still hadn’t learned to care, not really. Even the ones who objected came around eventually and that night Marsh finally came clean to me about why exactly he was so accepting.
According to him he’d always assumed there was more out there, things beyond human that lived on the fringes of society. Even he always thought he sounded crazy. I was the proof he needed to convince himself he wasn’t. Marsh also told me what we were really doing with the scientists. Both Frank and Stein researched the supernatural, their projects were as secret as secret could be. Marsh’s interests and theories, as personal as he tried to keep them showed up in his file somewhere. The higher ups had handpicked him for this mission because of it. The official story was that Frank had been captured but in reality he defected to further his own research with a like minded individual. Our mission was really to force Frank back into the fold and take Stein along with him.
The more he talked the more I could tell his heart was fully committed to this mission and the final assault tomorrow. I’d never seen someone so… alive. In my extremely long life I don’t think Id ever felt that kind of conviction myself. So I promised him I’d have his back tomorrow no matter what.
Morning broke and with it our assault began. Intel on the German defenses was shoddy at best but we never expected what we’d actually run into. At least three times our number acted as guards so a distraction was in order to give us a window of entry. A few of the men would handle the distraction “however they saw fit” to quote Marsh. Then Marsh and I would make our way into the compound itself and the rest of the platoon would cover us.
For what its worth most of the plan went off without a hitch. A tremendous explosion signaled Marsh and I to press the advantage and rush the confused soldiers that lay in front of us. Some actually turned and ran from me, apparently word of my stunt in the trenches yesterday had spread quickly. The rest of the platoon followed behind us but then our luck ran out with the roar of an engine.
An honest to god panzer tank rolled out of a tunnel we hadn’t seen that ran under the compound and turned its barrel towards us. I almost didn’t hear the blast from how slow time seemed to move. But move it did as the explosion of the shell’s impact scattered bodies left and right. The shell impacted behind us but the sheer force of the blast threw Marsh and I to the ground, knocking us unconscious.
When I slowly came to my eyes couldn’t believe what I was seeing. A man dressed in red priestly robes with a matching red top hat was walking between the bodies. When he approached one that groaned out with agony he’d kneel down and whisper things I couldn’t hear to them, after that he’d snap his fingers. sometimes the person he was talking with would disappear other times they would fall silent and sometimes it didn’t appear that anything happened at all.
Just the sight of the man terrified me and I wasn’t sure why. It was an instinctual reaction, the second I lay eyes on him I froze up and ice cold fear crept its way up my spine. When people accuse me of being the devil this man is who I think of. Even today I’m not sure what it is he does or why. What I do know is that he never looks the same. I’ve seen him appear as male, female, even as an animal on a few occasions but I can always tell. The second I’m near him no matter what he looks like the same old feeling comes over me.
Once my vision had finally focused in on the man he seemed to notice without ever looking at me. I blinked and suddenly he was there, kneeling over me.
“Would you like to live.”
He rasped down at me with a voice that seemed to boom around me no matter how quiet it must’ve actually been. I felt like a child again, staring at Archer for the first time. I’d never really had to fear death before but here I was, sure I was about to meet my end right here. In all honestly I wasn’t injured all that bad, I probably could’ve survived with or without this man help. But something told me that if I said no he’d make sure I would die right here.
“Ye…y… yes”
I stuttered out, barley able to form the words through the pain that stabbed throughout my body.
“You will be my instrument for one night at a time of me choosing.”
The man replied. I stayed silent as I stared into his eyes, trying to determine if the sunglasses he wore were tinted or if his eyes really did burn with an infernal red light. The man cocked his head as if waiting for a response to his question. I’m not sure if question was the right word though, there wasn’t much of a choice for me.
Looking back there was always a choice, maybe I could’ve survived on my own merits, found another way. In the years to come I’d wish I just said no, even if it would’ve cost me my life. But thats not what happened. I nodded and the deal maker snapped his fingers. As soon as he had dark clouds flooded the sky and blocked out the sun, allowing my body to begin repairing itself. The man moved on to where Marsh’s body lay and probably made him the same deal as I felt my body healing. Despite that, my consciousness faded again as I strained to try and hear what the man would say to Marsh.
We never actually discussed the man at all. Not then and not in the years since. Maybe that was all an unspoken part of Marsh’s deal. Maybe both of us just wished that man was nothing more than a waking dream, a vivid hallucination. Whatever the case neither of us ever mentioned that man to each other.
The next time I woke up I was chained to a table next to Marsh. We had been captured and brought before the very scientists we were here to apprehend. There were guards around but they all seemed to be waiting for some kind of order. I was certainly surprised when that order came in perfect English, even more surprised when the order was to let us down so we could talk.
Frank and Stein ended up being quite reasonable people. The two let us stay in relative comfort in the compound as long as we agreed to stay and leave them to their work. That was all the convincing it took for me. I understand that the men I’d served with were all dead and that these two were in some way responsible. Maybe that should’ve bothered me more, today it certainly would’ve. Back then I didn’t think the same way, they accepted me for what I was but only briefly, only out of respect for Marsh. What did the lives of people I’d known for so short a time really matter? Writing this now just makes me realize how cold I was before, I didn’t care for anything beyond myself. I’d made no efforts to find Belle since we were separated and how long had I known her, 100 years, more? I may have pretended I cared but when push came to shove I simply tried to make sure I survived.
Marsh wasn’t as cold as me, in fact he almost immediately reached for where his pistol should’ve been when he was unchained. It took Frank, Stein, and myself weeks to convince him that helping would be the right decision. He didn’t like it at first but little by little I think the scientists grew on him. The guards I’d seen our first day here seemed to thin out the longer we stayed. Wether that was a gesture of trust or simply because they were needed for more important duties I don’t know but it certainly eased Marsh’s mind.
I merely observed the scientists most of the time until Stein asked me for a sample of my blood. It didn’t surprise me that he knew what I was but for obvious reasons I was hesitant to give it to him, especially considering what I’d seen so called doctors do with vampire blood. Eventually he wore me down and I gave let him take a sample just to shut him up. After that I became more involved in their research though not by choice. They had me showcasing my abilities and tested the effects of sunlight on my blood. On a few rare occasions Stein even injected it into other prisoners that were brought in, something I put a stop to very quickly. T
hat sample of blood is why Frank and Stein are still around today. Somehow they managed to isolate whatever part of my DNA allows me to age so much slower than a normal person. They took that and spliced it into their own DNA against my recommendations. The crazy thing was it actually worked. Sure they had a newfound appreciation for rare steaks but beyond that I didn’t notice any of the effects that combining vampire DNA with your own would usually have.
As Marsh and I assisted the scientist’s research however we could we both came to the realization that they needed each other to function. Stein lacked a moral compass and was prone to suggest unethical or risky procedures, sometimes going so far as to carry them out without informing Frank. Frank on the other hand preferred caution in everything he did and sometimes I noticed him personally taking and shredding requests Stein had written for test subjects, hazardous materials, or samples from supernatural entities. The two kept a very delicate dance of checks and balances. Stein ever the daring mad scientist and Frank always playing the role of overly cautious genius.
Marsh and Frank got along extremely well near the end. The two would be up at all hours of the night as Frank explained what kind of things really existed in the world. Marsh always shared these ideas of a world where the supernatural and the normal could live together and I think Frank shared that vision. It wasn’t possible, still isn’t but treating the supernatural as something other than monsters couldn’t possibly be a bad thing. I think thats where the idea of the Bureau of Supernatural Affairs really came from, those talks Marsh had with anyone who would listen.
Overtime one of our favorite conversations was what we would do when the war was over and we could leave this compound. Stein wasn’t sure he would, if his research wasn’t going to a man who’d simply use it to cause more conflict he wouldn’t mind staying. Frank wanted to return home, if that was even possible and he asked if Stein would join him. Those two had also become close friends through our months in the lab. That checks and balances relationship they had made them basically inseparable. Marsh’s answer surprised me though, he said he wanted to get out of the military and start a program, something to help the supernatural live closer to normal lives. At least keep tabs on them so that the quality of their lives might improve. I was stunned, I couldn’t believe he’d throw his career away just to chase this pipe dream of his. I didn’t even know Marsh was concerned with that kind of thing. I didn’t have an answer of my own so I said I’d join Marsh and help with this program idea of his. Actually, even Frank and Stein seemed to agree with Marsh’s way of thinking. Little did we know the war would end less than a month after our talk and we’d all get the chance to actually put Marsh’s little idea to the test.
Once the Americans had come and discovered the compound pretty much abandoned aside from us we were all taken prisoner and shipped back to America. We were all interrogated and they either heard what they wanted to hear, or decided anyone we’d talk to about our experiences would assume we were just crazy. We were released back into society under constant surveillance. They even gave us a sizable home in D.C., it was certainly bugged to its core but thats exactly what we wanted.
Through the next year we used Frank and Steins knowledge and my supernatural nature to track down entities all over the country. We made sure that everything was discussed and planned out in the house. That way however was listening knew exactly what we were doing and how successful it was. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows though, some entities would rather we didn’t know about them. Others were naturally aggressive but some we were actually able to help.
Our escapades as a group of four didn’t last much past the first year. Mostly because our master plan of using the bugs worked perfectly. Ol’ uncle Sam had been listening in and wanted his chance at calling the shots but it meant we became a legitimate organization, the BSA. Technically the acronym was already taken but no one ever complained and Marsh never came up with anything better.
We spent 4 years doing everything we could to improve the lives of supernatural beings everywhere. Not every one of our endeavors was a success but we did some good in the world. One such project was blood banks for vampires. While the blood that gets donated is used for transfusions and the like some was put into cold storage for the BSA. That got distributed to vampires who had come to an agreement with us to stop hunting humans for blood. Some vampires were even selected for jobs at these blood banks, under the supervision of BSA agents of course.
The more human supernaturals like werewolves, vampires, and succubi even used us to find jobs in the world. We made in roads for the supernatural in daily life because of it. Werewolves would use their strength for government construction. Vampire’s long lives made them excellent archivists or history teachers because they actually been there for those events. A succubus’s ability to understand and control someones emotions and reactions made them excellent therapists and conflict deescalation specialists. Those are just some of the fields we managed to get the supernatural involved in. While they usually had to hide their natural they were wildly successful.
Everything went well until that fourth year when I first met Baelen. He was headstrong from the beginning, the powers that be were grooming him for leadership. He was everything they wanted, he followed orders and didn’t question things to much. In short, he was the perfect solution to the inconvenience the four of us caused running the organization as we saw fit. But baleen had a mean streak, he didn’t want to protect the supernatural so much as he wanted to put them in their place. Unfortunately a lot of the research we provided had scared pretty much everyone above us who had never even entertained the idea of the supernatural until now. That meant Baelen’s ideas of monitoring and segregating the supernatural population were popular. So popular that suggesting culling their numbers to keep them in check and under the thumb of the BSA was an idea they actually entertained. That sentiment caught on and our orders became more and more militant.
Every time we disregarded them to do things the way we had envisioned the consequence grew steeper. Eventually Frank, Stein, Marsh, and I just couldn’t stand to see what our BSA had become so we left. We couldn’t do anything else to stop what was coming from the inside, no point in going down with the ship.
After that Baelen quickly ended up heading the whole operation. He still took orders directly from government officials and when the BSA became part of homeland security it became Chimera division. Why they chose such a stupid name I’ll never know but the organization was a shadow of its former self. Before we looked out for the supernatural, tried to help. Under Baelen Chimera just exists to monitor the supernatural and “correct” any issues uncle Sam decides to have with them. They’re glorified enforcers that don’t give a damn how the supernatural actually have it. That’s not to say some good people don’t work for them, people like Belle and even Marsh’s own daughter as far as I’m aware.
It sickens me to think I was a part of it though, for all the good we did maybe it would’ve been better if Johnson Marsh’s pipe dream would’ve stayed just that. I can do a lot but I can’t change the past so I guess we’ll never know. A while ago I heard that something had happened in a little nowhere town out in New Mexico. Pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth. The only reason I even heard about it was through Belle’s letters. Apparently Chimera had to do some huge cover up job and decided it was better if the town just never existed. Maybe I should go myself and see if I can’t piece what happened together. Could be that someone else out there has it in for Chimera and is a whole lot more direct about it than me. I’m just imaging it was some runaway experiment Frank and Stein got up to. I wonder where those two ended up, I’ll have to check up on them sometime. This journal writing is digging up a lot of memories for me but thats probably a good thing. Write them down before I forget again. I think that’ll be all for today then, why do I keep addressing these like someone’s reading them? Not much point to that is there?

i'm done with my 1st semester in one of the hardest colleges in my country. i joined a startup for a coding related internship (web dev) this monday for a 9 to 5 internship and even after sleeping 10 hours the night prior, i'm usually fighting to stay awake by 1pm. My job description basically is to code and learn for the 8 hours im there with a 40 minute break in between (it's an unpaid internship for experience). The travel to my workplace also takes around an hour, so 2 hours total for travel. When i'm home by 5, i'm usually so fucking exhausted and tired i just lay in my bed and don't do anything. No energy for the gym, meditation, making music or any other self improvement thing. I managed to drag my ass to the gym today but man, i am beyond exhausted.
I've been a topper in school and college throughout my life and usually work my ass off to get good grades but it has not been this physically taxing on me ever. I was really just wondering, for all the people who have been doing 9 to 5 office jobs for years, when do you get used to it and stop feeling this extra exhaustion i'm feeling right now? I hate feeling tired and out of energy for the whole day i'm there. It's only going to get more hectic since now i'm gonna start using the bus system (alot of switching buses) to travel now that i'm familiar with the routes.

1. “This country has never been generating more wealth. Where (or to whom) is it all going? The American Dream is not for eight guys to get rich.”
   
2. “Yes, inflation is high and cost of living is high. But Republicans have zero track record of fighting for the little guy.”
   

Trump and Project 2025 are going to win because of the economy and no one is hitting them where it hurts.

The main events take place in the summer of 2023, but before that there’s some pretty crucial information you need to know.
Many moons ago, three or four years before I was forced to live with the burden of knowing my dear friend, some shit went down.
Sophomore year of high school, Heather and my now boyfriend Tony were besties with another girl, that I will call Jane (the sweetest person I’ve ever met, by the way). At some point, Jane and her boyfriend went on a break, and Heather decided, for some reason to this day unknown, to try and sext her best friend’s ex boyfriend. I say “try” because he never really indulged her, which made the whole situation all the more embarrassing. Heather, however, lacking self-awareness and critical thinking skills, decided to keep this up for over five months, after which Jane and her ex got back together, and he told her everything. Contrary to Heather, Jane decided to be a good friend and wait for Heather to come clean about her actions without revealing she already knew everything.
And so she waited. But Heather never said anything.
Keep this in mind, it’ll be important later.
Fast forward to February 2022, yours truly is introduced on the scene by becoming Heather’s roommate during our first year of college. Surprisingly we got along pretty well, we became really close friends in a very short time. She was also the extroverted one (also important) of the two and really helped me come out of my shell, so for a while I was really grateful to her. Anyway, throughout the three months we lived together she was constantly talking about her friends Tony and Jane from back home, but especially referring to Jane as her best friend, the only one that really knew her and that she really trusted.
Her friend Tony was also a very popular topic in conversations, and the reason she convinced me to visit her home country that summer, which resulted in us dating but I will spare you the details of that because it’s a different story (although a good one too).
The summer ends. She moves back to her country, I go back to mine, now pursuing two long distance relationships, the one with my boyfriend and the one with my only friend. So, in January 2023 plan a trip there with Tony but I decide not to tell Heather, and to let it be a surprise instead.
This is where the thing I told you to remember comes back for the first time, and I get front row seats for this years-long conflict finally unraveling.
Jane decided she had enough of waiting for her friend to become decent and slowly started growing apart from Heather, who had actually started the fight by accusing Jane of ignoring her.
When asked about the reasons for her behavior, some of Heather’s responses were, and I kid you not, “BRO I HAD A PLAN” and “IT’S LITERALLY NOT MY PROUDEST MOMENT”.
So. Yeah. Needless to say, they stopped being friends.
Now, for some reason, Heather decided to start this fight on the groupchat with my boyfriend, which meant I had access to everything, and after learning about everything I started to question my friend’s actions for the first time. Like, yes I knew she was a bit stubborn, and annoying, but who isn’t. Betraying someone you have talked about multiple times as your best friend and then lying about it for years, however?
But I decided to put my worries aside for the moment and just be more careful around her before I actually formed an opinion. I also had never met Jane before so at that point it probably wouldn’t have been my place to intervene.
During my trip, I get the idea to plan a surprise party for Tony in the summer and I share it with Heather who seems on board and ready to help.
That aside, the rest of my visit was pretty uneventful up until my last day there.
It being my last day, I wanted to spend it with all my friends, so me, Tony, and Heather met up at a mall to hang out. After a while, I noticed Heather looking pretty down so I asked her if she was alright. She told me she was feeling a bit worried because she got the impression that Tony was growing more distant from her. She revealed to me that this actually already happened before, during Tony’s last relationship, and she was scared it was going to happen again. “And I’m so sorry for involving you like this but do you think you could talk to him for me?”
Now, you have to know Tony and her were never the best of friends; he’s always been closer to Jane than he was with her, simply because they don’t have many things in common. Heather also had the habit of constantly bringing up his ex in my presence, by making weird comparisons with me about literally anything. “Oh, you’re dyeing your hair red? Tony’s ex also dyed her hair red for a while. Omg your eyeliner is so good, you know Tony’s ex actually—”
No. I do, in fact, not know and I would like to keep it that way.
So when she mentioned his ex, being the idiot that I am, I felt so bad because I somehow assumed it was my fault, that I distracted him from his friends with my psychic evil girlfriend powers and therefore it was my responsibility to fix it.
So in May, I start planning Tony’s birthday party and Heather decided that for some reason it was her job to invite people and plan activities and literally plan the whole fucking party actually. She kept making suggestions I knew he would hate and inviting people he outright said he couldn’t stand, until I had enough and was forced to put my foot down. I let her invite her boyfriend and a friend of hers and handled the rest myself. In the meantime, I contacted Jane. Because unlike Heather, I know my boyfriend well enough to understand who his friends are so I always knew Jane was going to make the list, which I anticipated to Heather back in February. Her response was something along the lines of, “It’s okay for me if it’s okay for her”, which I thought was good enough. After all, I wasn’t expecting them to chat like nothing had happened but I assumed they would both be mature enough to put their differences aside for their friend’s sake.
The day of the party comes and Heather and I get there early to set things up, and when we’re in the bathroom doing our makeup she goes, “Hey, this might be a weird question but did Jane mention if she was bringing anyone?”.
This is where I might have been a bit of a bitch. Because Jane did actually ask me if she could bring her boyfriend, the same guy from the story that keeps coming back, and she even apologized for that, but knowing there were going to be three couples at the party already, including Heather and her own boyfriend, I didn’t even think twice before saying yes. However, I also failed to mention that to Heather until the day of the party.
When she found out, she was gone. Completely lost the plot, would not hear reason. She spent the whole evening sitting on the couch next to her boyfriend, with her back to the rest of the party, ignoring everyone else unless they asked her a question directly or forced her into conversation. After the umpteenth failed attempt of including her I felt so guilty I went to cry in the bathroom thinking I had ruined my boyfriend’s party because Heather was not having fun.
Days later, when all of this turned into a paragraph fight via text, instead of apologizing she kept attacking Tony for being rude to her and not understanding that she is very introverted and has “major anxiety”, and that was the reason why she didn’t even try to celebrate his birthday with him once throughout the night. Something I found hard to believe as I had been in that position before, while she was the one to help me out of it, introducing me to new people. So I am well aware of what it means to feel out of place, which is why I tried my best that night, and I also know that if she really wanted to do more, she would’ve.
During the fight, I finally had the opportunity to really talk to Jane for the first time and finding out about some things Heather did to her while they were friends reminded me of something else she did to me.

Back in November 2022, I got on birth control. Naturally I texted my friend, telling her about it.
Her response was, and I quote: “I have a theory. I’ve noticed a pattern where all of Tony’s girlfriends (ex and you) have started taking birth control since dating him soooo he either forced the girls or the girls don't care about STDs and accidental pregnancies. And the side effects obv.”
So I brought this back up during our fight. She tried to deny and to claim she was simply in “shock” because of my sudden interest in birth control, but I sent her back the proof of how she ignored everything I was trying to tell her only to keep trying to prove her hypotheses. My message said: “I was excited because I had done my research, I found a gyno and I went on my own and I texted you knowing that I couldn't share that excitement with my mother so I thought my friend would understand but instead you just came up with conspiracy theories about Tony forcing his girlfriends to get on BC or his girlfriends not caring about accidental pregnancies which was extremely insulting and I still don't know what your intention was because if you were joking it wasn't funny. I was being really vulnerable and you just basically chastised me. I can understand not agreeing but there's ways and ways to say that, you can still be happy and supportive while disagreeing, which was not what you did at all.”
She apologized but also said “I’m sorry you felt that way”. I decided to leave it at that and forget about it.
A couple of weeks later she angrily texted me wondering why I didn’t wish her a happy birthday.
So, AITA?

Hey guys. I'm 20, within the last few weeks I've had sepsis twice, two surgeries, and several other problems. I got out of the hospital from my last round of sepsis a day or two ago, and I didn't realize how bad it was going to be To recover.
I'm mostly just SO tired. I'm supposed to be getting a summer job, but at this point, I don't know when I'll be ABLE to work. I'm exhausted, just going about the house has me ready to go to sleep. I can't even try to go outside for a walk because one of my medications requires me to avoid sunlight. It's all just really depressing. I finally got myself to shower today and realized how much hair I'm losing all at once, and it was really shocking.
I had no clue that sepsis had so many mental affects before all this either, but lately, my mind feels so blank, and I feel like I'm about to cry all the time for no reason (or just bought to tears easily). I already had issues with depression/anxiety before this, and it all feels heightened. Sometimes thinking about the details of when I was really sick has me crying again.
I have to go back for more testing and things within the next couple weeks, and there's a chance they'll have to do even more, maybe surgery again, and I'm so stressed. I don't want this to happen again, I'm so tired already from it happening twice. Does it really take weeks/months? How am I supposed to work/do anything at all other than do the bare minimum? I'm physically and mentally completely exhausted and I just want this to be over

Quinn's extremely childish and irresponsible reaction to Debra's refusal to marry him in season 6 was really pathetic. She's not ready to marry him, so he tries to pressure her into accepting, and when he realizes that this heart-shaped cake he made later won't be changing her mind, he slams the door and goes sulking like an angry 4 year-old kid, and then proceeds to immediately break up with her and fuck as many women as possible, including one person of interest in a major investigation, all of this in a lamentable attempt at making Debra jealous, as if that could possibly... what, suddenly make her want him so badly that she'll accept to marry him? What kind of logic is that?? Or was his goal simply to hurt her? If so, why??
Her rejection of his proposal was perfectly reasonable! I mean, come on, Quinn, think about it: the one previous time where a guy professed his love for Debra and asked her to marry him, it didn't go very well for her now did it? Quinn should know that! Besides, she was just promoted to lieutenant, she's leading the team in charge of capturing the new serial killer who put a dismembered dead body on four horses and had them walk in the streets in the middle of the day without getting caught or even identified, so she doesn't have the time for that bullshit! And then he knowingly fucks a suspect in that very same investigation and when Debra is understandably and rightfully mad about this, he assumes that oh it's because she's just so jealous that the loser who broke up with her decided to screw another woman, that no, it can't possibly be because he's endangering this first major investigation she's leading! Ugh.
Oh, and did I forget to mention that he also goes on a drinking binge, manages to forget his gun in some random lady's car, gets high on marijuana when he's supposed to be on duty and crashed Debra's party while drunk and very rudely and inappropriately hits on Batista's younger sister (who's clearly not interested in him at all)? Yeah. Great work, Quinn, really. Clearly you're the best at not letting your personal life influence your professional one. Almost as bad as season 2's Esmée.
On top of that, his proposal to Debra was very clumsy and obviously not the right thing to do when it comes to Debra specifically. He shouldn't have proposed in the first place, nonetheless the way he did it was also inadequate for her. We've seen that Debra is into romantic stuff - in the first season, it's clear that she loves it when "Rudy" brings her flowers and says cheesy romantic things, and she seemed to really love his proposal with a shitload of flowers, costly champagne, a yacht and overall in ridiculously expensive and way over the top surroundings (I'll never understand the point of wasting money like that, but at any rate, Debra appeared to appreciate it a lot; maybe she just likes the idea of some guy spending that much money solely to please her? Who knows). Now, after her misadventure (to put it lightly) with "Rudy", obviously Debra isn't going to like anything too similar to what he did, however I'm assuming that her core tastes did not change - which means that she still likes classical romantic things; in consequence, proposing to her first thing in the morning, by putting the ring in the freaking fridge (was that really the only place Quinn could think of?) while they're making breakfast and pancakes are being cooked, was definitely not the best method. Furthermore, correct me if I'm misremembering, but wasn't it the morning of a work day? What, he couldn't wait until the evening, or better the weekend to propose, when they'll have way more time to talk about that and have fun? Personally I don't get why a specific setting is necessary to propose (just like I don't get most romantic things tbh), but I do understand pragmatism - which was obviously completely absent from Quinn's proposal. Was he so sure that she'd want to marry him (when she's never discussed marriage with him before and considering the debacle with her previous fiancé) that he thought she would say yes at once, and then they could go right back to eating breakfast and going to work without being late and that's it, it will be settled? Or was he trying to pressure her into accepting at once? If so, what a fucking dick. That marriage would never work. Oh, and the fact that they left the fridge open for like a whole minute was annoying - you're not supposed to leave the door of the fridge open for so damn long! You're supposed to just take what you need and then close it, so the food will stay cold! Grrr. Perhaps that's just me, because some of my relatives have the bad habit of uselessly leaving the door of the fridge open for too long, but anyway. And the pancakes burning was 100% predictable.
I'm not even a fan of Debra (maybe I'll elaborate on that in another post, and I'll do my best to not just repeat what others who dislike her have already mentioned about her), but in that situation I think she was entirely right to reject Quinn and that he was completely out of line.
I don’t know if anyone at all will give this a read, that’s just my opinion, but lately I feel like there’s been a little many so-called shitposts on this subreddit, and though sometimes it can be funny overall I much prefer discussion, so I decided to contribute to it. I’ve already seen some about Quinn, however I don’t think there’s been any about this particular element of that character in the sixth season.
So agree/disagree about this take? If you think there’s anything I got wrong, feel free to point it out!

TLDR; I have experienced anxiety off and on but its been ramping up over the last few years specifically around traveling and it is really hard to eat food when I’m anxious. I’m feeling debilitated and worried that I will never get better and I’m scared meds wont work. I want to be able to travel and see my friends in other states without being completely consumed by anxiety.
——
I have struggled with anxiety off and on my whole life and as I’m reflecting now, it had a lot to do with not being home/change. I would get homesick at summer camp, I would get anxious before a sleepover, I had anxiety my entire 8th grade year because I was going from a tiny private school to a huge public high school.
When I moved away from home I was fine and I don’t think I had anxiety for several years. I was an adult, figuring out life on my own and doing fine. I would travel to visit my friends in other states and I was fine. I got married, had a bachelorette trip, a honeymoon etc. all good.
During covid I went to test for ADHD and realized I was depressed so I went on wellbutrin which changed everything for me.
In 2021 I went on a trip with a bunch of girls that really fucked me up. Nothing happened but I was so anxious I couldn’t sleep or eat and it affected my friendship. After that I went to see my psychiatrist because I could not go on a trip again and be stuck because I didn’t have any medication to stop it. Most times after that trip that I went on a trip, I got unexplainable anxiety. Came out of nowhere, couldn’t tie it to a thought, hurt my stomach etc. But I had hydroxyzine which helped me fall asleep without anxiety. I decided to reduce my wellbutrin in half because of a variety of reasons, one of them being my heightened anxiety. And it did seem to be a good decision to do that. I went on a trip in 2023 to a state I’ve never been to and my anxiety was pretty bad but my husband was with me so it was mostly manageable but I kept losing my appetite and not wanting to eat. We went to a 6 course dinner and I had to get up in between every plate to run to the bathroom cuz I had anxiety runs.
I came home from that and went to see my psychiatrist and explained my anxiety was mostly a bodily response and I wasn’t noticing anything in my brain. She said meds are really good for the worries but it didn’t sound like I had that so try making sure I had substance in my stomach since maybe I had so much stomach acid it was making me feel sick.
I didn’t have a trip for 7 months to test this theory until this last weekend. The whole week leading up to the trip I would have moments of anxiety but I usually took a deep breath and it went away. The travel day was pretty bad but I kept food in my stomach but I kept noticing myself checking in with myself seeing if I felt okay or not. Constantly. Then it became of fear of getting anxiety and ruining my friends’ time with me. And the anxiety of getting anxiety and feeling unwell not in my comforting space. Every single day was so hard. I could barely bring myself to eat food. I became anxious about mealtimes coming up and if I would be able to nourish myself. I had moments of relief, and one almost full day of no anxiety but I ended up coming home two days early because I couldn’t hang.
But even as I’ve been home, my anxiety hasn’t gone away. I was anxious walking through the mall with my husband. I didn’t want to eat dinner. I think about my next trip coming up and I feel a pit in my stomach wondering if I’ll be able to enjoy myself. Waking up yesterday I felt my heart rate immediately spike and the anxiety start to come on. I talked to my psychiatrist and she asked why I didn’t take the xanax I had with me. I am scared it wont work or will make me feel flat or make be all delirious in my head. I dont want to become reliant on it. She explained it is a tool and would I refuse pain meds if I’m about to have surgery? No. I decided to go off my wellbutrin because I’m curious if that is making me more anxious since my depression is so much better. She said I should give it a week and see how I feel after the wellbutrin is out of my system and giving space to my bad experience on my trip and if I still feel worried about my upcoming trip we can start Zoloft. This morning I’m still anxious, and I’m starving but I can’t think of any food that seems palatable and I don’t want to get out of bed and I feel extremely hopeless that I’ll never get better and wont be able to experience new things again. I’m scared Zoloft wont work or it will eventually hurt me or my anxiety will get worse and I just feel completely debilitated.

For some reason, I lied to myself I was gonna be fine today. It’s so crazy how even if you actively try to forget or anticipate the day less, your body still remembers. After an excruciatingly long day, the day I’ve been dreading all month is almost at an end.
I’ve cried all day. Been dissociated. Tired. In pain. It’s so crazy to think how I’m just in as much pain as I was two years ago, if not more.
Mom, as miss you so fucking much it actually hurts. Thank you for giving me signs throughout the day that you’re still with me though. I’m not sure if I’m gonna be able to sleep tonight if I’m honest because it feels like I just lost you right now. I’m not sure if I’m making you proud but I’m sure as hell trying. I’m sorry if I’m not perfect. I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed you in any way. This is new for me. For some reason I genuinely thought you were immortal; that you’d never leave. In some ways though, I’m relieved you’re at peace. The world was too much for you and you deserved a rest. I’m trying my best to survive but damn it’s hard.
I’m not sure of anything anymore but what I know is that I love you. I’ll love you in every life and I pray I know you in every single life I have. Thank you for being my best friend and for loving me so selflessly. You deserved the world and I hope I was able to give you even a fraction of it. I hope that you’re able to live through me. I hope that I’m able to love like you. Please never leave me. I love you

Motivation feels hard. I still make myself do things even without motivation, yet it’s still so hard and all I can ask myself is why.. just why.. Can’t seem to get the words I’m craving to find out of my head to make anything comprehensive. Feel blank inside like a scrap of blank sheet paper. Even when I try, still feel so invisible to the world around me. I haven’t left my room hardly for almost a month now.. sleep pattern is off. I rest and yet I wake up tired. I feel like a slave to a blank mind I want to work so badly, yet have no idea how to get it to when I genuinely do try. I eat right at least.. I’ve not exercised.. I can’t get anything to come out right and anything I put together just doesn’t make sense. I’m mad at myself. I want to do the things I want to do, but I feel like, when engaging my brain, I am completely lost with it all. It makes me so sad, because I want to live up to my expectations in life and to enjoy the things I have and want. It’s infuriating. Why brain… why won’t you work for me the way I’m willing to work for you… why 😢… I just feel stupid because I can’t remember things.. I just feel so foggy. It’s awful. I want to feel happy again.. I just don’t…
I live in the middle of nowhere.. I’ve tried for months to relocate somewhere new. Even saved up over 10k to make it happen.. and yet it’s still not working. I’ve gone to properties and even got background checks. I’m so so sick and tired of being stuck. The amount of animosity I feel for being in my hometown in the middle of fking nowhere. It infuriates me so much. I have moved once before. Then boom, pandemic. Lost that job in airlines due to seniority rates and that stupid Covid bit that happened… I had met people in music I wanted to work with who knew peeps.. I’m angry that all of this stuff has gone away. I’m angry about my relationship too.. it has taken a lot away from me. So fking mad about it all.. yet it’s my own fault. I am the reason I’m facing hell even though I want to have a kind heart towards other people who abuse it.. take advantage of it… this is past my relationship even. Helped a friend out. She stole money from me and I trusted her. Awful and stupid of me.. Really want to go to grad school and say f**k everything in my life right now.. I’m 31 I want that masters. Yet my mind is so screwed. I can barely remember anything. I want to make a good impression and do the best with my potential I worked hard for. I’m so pissed… I hate human beings 😢people just make me want to give up. I just want to be left alone even more and go off to do what I love. Why is it so hard to make that happen.. 🥺.. this is all rhetorical.. I just need to vent somewhere.. where nobody knows me. I just need to scream and do it loudly.

I don't remember the a lot from when I was little. I was never concerned about it. I always had this thing where suddenly I woke up one morning and I remember something, then when I speak about it, I'm met with confused faces and people telling me it never happened.
Like this one time, I suddenly remembered sitting in the car at the age of something like 6/7 with my dad driving, my mother in the passenger seat, me in the backseat on the far left and my brother and sister next me. When it came up, we were reminiscing about when we were younger and I told them about this memory of mine, and I was just staring at a bunch of confused face.
My dad didn't have a drivers license, we have never owned a car (kinda poor), and my father left us after I turned 3.
This happened a lot, I'd dream something and my brain was convinced it was true. It's how I never questioned anything because my memory lane wasn't empty or something, it was filled, with truths and lies, reality and whatever my mind could make up to fill the voids. I understand that much.
But what really made me want to regain my memories, is that I kept thinking on why I don't remember anything. Sure, I have some trauma, maybe my dad leaving us because he was sick and all. And yes, I've never really had a father role model, but surely that isn't the only existing reason my memories through my younger years are just blank.
What really did it though was this one moment my mother was talking about a trip we had to this amusement park where you could stay overnight. We went there, I was 4/5/6 I think, and there was this talentshow. We all participated, my sister and brother danced or they sang a song or something, and I wanted to be different I guess because I told a story. And I basically, to shorten it because my mother didn't really want to tell me it in the first place so I had to force it out of sister, but she was being awkward about it, I basically told a story about how a man touched me.
Of course everyone got very concerned because it was in an amusementpark and it was in front of a lot of people with a microphone and everything and I feel really bad for doing that as child to my mom, because she didn't do anything wrong. But CPS got called, and everything practically cleared up when I ended up crying, and I confessed I made it up and it was all a joke. That is what I was told.
But there is something about this all that is just too suspicious, like I feel like I didn't make it up, and if I didn't, then might that be the reason that I don't remember anything? Is that it? And what do I do to get my memories back? Because it's not just merely curiousity that wants to know, I just really feel like, no matter how much I might find out if anyone has a method or something, even if the apperent truth might hurt me or whatever, I really need to know.

Ik this is a weird one but….i have this old pen mark on my skin that i tried a lot years ago to wash off but it didn’t budge so i just left it and forgot about it but i noticed it again today and it’s really getting on my nerves, it’s on my inner arm and i was wondering if anything would get rid of it. I was thinking of glycolic acid toner but was looking for options.
I’ve tired a million times to wash it off and use a loofah or alcohol wipes but it doesn’t come off.
Any help is much appreciated

The interesting thing is I can’t get tired of their songs and albums, it almost seems like I can just listen to them on repeat and never get tired of it, but with other bands I can’t really listen to the same songs or albums over and over again. I have discovered Nirvana very recently, about near the end of last year, and got hooked on them ever since. Just wanted to point out an interesting thing I’ve noticed with the bands music.

half vent post, half wondering what y'all think. I'm looking for opinions.
I've posted on here a few times and my situation is quite complex. I had my hysterectomy on March 29th and then a cuff repair for partial dehiscence on April 15th. I'm 5 weeks post op from that and I'm now on my FIFTH rounds of antibiotics because I have a pretty significant infection going on. I had 4 organisms at one point and I'm now down to 2 that seem hard to treat... I can't remember the other 2 I had but they have been treated, however I still have e.feacalis and e.coli up there.
I was originally on amoxicillin right out of surgery, then clindamycin, then ciprofloxacin, then penicillin VK for a week, had a 1 week break, and now I'm on penicillin VK again for 2 weeks this time. I was worried because I've read online that e.coli is resistant to penicillin, but on my test results it says it's susceptible...? My doctor said I can take cefdinir if the discharge I'm experiencing doesn't clear up by the end of it, and that should clear it, but she said the penicillin should treat both this time, even though that 1 week of penicillin was originally supposed to clear the e.faecalis the first time! 😭
I don't know what to think. I'm at the end of my rope here. I'm nervous and burnt out from all the complications I've had and I have to go back to work tomorrow because I can't make it by on my state mandated disability anymore, it barely pays me anything. I asked my doctor if I can use boric acid again (used it a lot pre surgery) because my pH is messed up from not only being a trans guy taking testosterone, but also probably from all the antibiotics and surgery. She said boric acid won't hurt anything since my cuff looks good, but I'm only 5 weeks post cuff repair and I still have stitches in! She said they're supposed to dissolve this week, but I'm scared and don't know what to do. I've tried getting in to see another doctor at that practice who I like and have gone to before, but I won't be able to to see her until June 12th. They won't get me in sooner unless I'm experiencing worsening symptoms or different types of symptoms.
If you're someone who was given the clear to take any sort of vaginal suppositories after surgery (probiotioc, boric acid, ect) how soon did you start? Or if you're someone whose dealt with a lot of infections and antibiotics, how did you cope with it?? I feel like I'm losing hope.

I’m an 18 (m) who goes through life day to day with no real goals and no real motivation to do stuff while some things give me temporary satisfaction I feel I can’t form meaningful lasting relationships with people and I can’t break out of my current rut due to fear of judgement if I try new activities or tell people of new hobbies. I will be moving far away from home in September and usually people are sad about leaving things and people behind but I never get these feelings I was just wondering if people had any advice on what to do to start living with meaning and excitement Thanks for reading

Hi everyone. I am notorious for shutting myself down or feeling like I’m over reacting due to how my parents raised me, so I’m just looking for perspective.
I understand a parents’ love shouldn’t be about accomplishments, but I feel the need to describe the situation I’m in. Also, my parents made us heavily dependent on accomplishments, lmao. My mom would say “ordinary or extraordinary” and wrote me a horrible letter when I got my first B in high school, lol.
My brother grossly underperforms (took 6 years from a four year to graduate, which is fine, but it was a private university, so it cost my parents 75,000 a year and he lost his scholarship 3 times. He also failed out of his initial major, chose a diff major and failed out of that one, and ended up with a degree that was basically put together so he can graduated), has a lot of emotional issues(trigger warning for SH: he has threatened su!c!d3 multiple times), and is essentially an alcoholic at the age of 25. He needs so much help, and I’m aware of that. I’ve begged my parents to put him in a program or make him see a therapist, but they can’t force him as he is an adult, and he is so damaged that when his therapist needed more info to schedule an appointment, he got defensive and refused to go. He screams when he speaks and if something does not go his way, there is a problem. One time I didn’t want to go get oysters on a family trip because I don’t love them. And he had to walk away and ignore everyone for an hour. And my parents refuse to address that behavior because they’re afraid of him threatening to hurt himself.
I got accepted into a good private school (a mini ivy) with a 50,000 dollar scholarship. I went in as undeclared pre-med, but then decided to come home to pursue music (I know, I know). I went to community college for two years and then ended up going to a state school for music performance, fully funded. I won a huge nationally recognized award as I wrapped up my undergrad. I’ve tried to do everything “right” by my parents.
We both ended up graduating this year, and the lengths my parents went for him was crazy. We flew to Texas, they paid for my aunt and uncle’s hotel rooms, bought 500 dollars worth of alcohol, and planned a whole graduation weekend for him (itinerary and all). Dropped at LEAST 2k on him. My mom wept as he graduated and we all cheered him on.
I graduated and my parents missed the tassel moving, and it felt like any normal day. I was at home the day before and I basically prepared everything for graduation myself because my brother was home and they spoke with and to him the whole time.
My extended family makes me and my boyfriend feel more loved than my own mom and dad. I feel guilty feeling like they like or do more for my brother because I recognize they still do a lot for me, so I feel ungrateful when I feel resentful.
I’ll never tell them this because If I do, my mom will get so defensive and lash out at me. It’s like talking to an emotionally inept wall.
Let me know what you think bye ♥️

hi, i work at a daycare and we have a 4yo boy who is very aggressive with his friends and teachers and family. During rest time we have them lay quietly on their beds so we can rock/ pat them. This child is constantly getting up and being loud which is developmentally appropriate but when we try to correct him he loses it. he will start screaming at us, he hits, kicks, pinches and sometimes bites us. he says things like “go away” and “leave me alone” but it causes the other children to not be able to rest. He will randomly go up to other children and hit, kick, bite or slap them and then run away and when we try to have a chat with him he starts crying like he was the one who was hurt or he laughs throughout the entire conversation/whatever he was doing (i understand he’s trying to regulate his emotions during this time but it happens everytime.) he also will break things in the classroom like toys or rip posters down and he throws his toys at friends and teachers. His friends around him always say “**** is so mean right?” or “i’m scared of him.” We have talked to his parents multiple times about his behavior and we’ve tried many different methods with him but nothing seems to be working. When he was about 2yo he also had a very bad biting habit which we thought we broke but just recently he’s been biting again especially when he is angry. He has been very hands on/aggressive with us/his friends/family since he could walk basically. But he is just constantly hurting the children around him and i don’t want anyone to be seriously injured because of him. looking for literally any help??

Hello ladies,
An example which is happening all the time: Today I got up at 2pm, because I didn’t wanna do anything before, and started doing chores. I began with folding my laundry and thought about cooking afterwards. I went to the kitchen and started cooking 4 meals at the same time. At the meantime I rinsed the dishes, fed my cat and stroked my cat. First I wanted to sit down after being done with cooking but then I was like “come on prepare some salad and then go sit”. When I opened the refrigerator to get the lettuce I stopped and swallowed my pill while the refrigerator was still open. First I planned on using only lettuce but I kept and kept adding more and more ingredients. When I was done I didn’t sit down again and went to scoop the litter of my cat, clean the sink and the toilet because I thought I will sit when I am done with doing that. But again I didn’t sit down and went on setting the table. I didn’t sit down for 4-5 hours straight. This is almost always like this. Random things keep popping up in my head and I never get to sit down how I planned. Now my feet hurts like most of the time when I act like this. It is like I am pushing my limits all the time by seeing how much I can do without resting. Does this sound like ADHD?

I feel like a little kid posting this but I just want to hear input from other parents because I just don’t understand.
I am the oldest daughter (25 now) and have a sister (21) and brother (24). My dad has always been really close with my sister and they’re very similar, and I understand that, but it feels like they have so many things they do between just the two of them and I’m never apart of it.
The one big thing they do every year that I’m never a part of is an annual fun trip out west. This started when I was in 8th grade and was originally the 3 of us (my dad does fun stuff with my brother as well, but this was something for us as sisters), except for the last 6+ years it’s always just the two of them. I understand I’m now an adult that works full time so I guess it’s harder for me to call off work to come with, but I would gladly call off to spend time with them if my dad ever made a genuine effort to invite me. It’s always a comment made in passing several months before the trip, like “hey I think we might go here the weekend of _____” and then it’s never brought up to me again until I hear that they’re leaving. He gets annoyed that I don’t seize on the single comment he makes months in advance, as if that’s a genuine attempt at inviting me, but I know he’s discussing everything with my sister as they’re buying flights, booking hotels, and making plans for weeks leading up to the trip and I never hear a word of it.
It just happened again this year but this time my dad truly didn’t say a word of it to me. He mentioned he couldn’t help me fix my car because he would be out of town, I said oh thanks for the invite, and he said he told me of the dates in January. I scrolled back through 4 months of texts and sent him pictures to show that he hadn’t ever mentioned it, and he said he was sorry and mentioned how there was one year I bailed out anyways (I can’t remember why but there was a genuine reason I couldn’t go). It’s always felt hurtful when it comes around each year but this time I just feel absolutely broken. I just don’t get it. As a parent to two daughters why wouldn’t you want them both with you? If one wasn’t able to go the previous year, wouldn’t that just make you want them to come with even more the following year? I understand doing special one on one things but there’s not really any one on one moments I share with my dad anymore between just the two of us now that I’m an adult.
Deep down I know he loves the bond between the two of them and I know he views this as their special trip every year. I finally told him how hurtful it was to go through the same argument every year and still have nothing change and out of anger I said I didn’t want him to reply to my message, but it’s been several days now and he really hasn’t said a word. They left for their trip today