I was with my husband for over a decade when I messed up and cheated on him once. He forgave me but that's when the abuse started. It's been almost a decade since I cheated and was told I was forgiven. But it didn't come without a cost. Regularly he would scream at me late at night, sometimes waking me at 3am to rage. No amount of explanation, communication, disagreeing or agreeing could calm him from these fits. I think he just wanted to let out anger because nothing I could say or do would help. Forced sleep deprivation and verbal abuse was his goto. We got pregnant and the abuse stopped temporarily. The following year it picked back up but I thought things were better because it would only happen a few times a year. But each year it got a little worse. Since then he's grown more comfortable with having these rages Infront of the kids and some young family members. He'll corner me in a room and not allow me to leave. He's never hit me but will shove me around, grab me to hold me in place, pick me up and throw me down. He punch holes in walls and destroy our things no matter how expensive, irreplaceable or sentimental. If this rage starts while we are driving he will drive crazy and reckless, slam on the breaks and jump out, then demand to get back in if I try to leave. He's done it with the kids in the car multiple times. I told him he needed to seek help. Recently in the last year we both had a lot of big changes happen. I knew I added too much to my plate but asked for patience while I managed it all. He agreed but didn't act on it. The rages became regular. He promised he'd seek therapy but blamed insurance for not getting it. We went on vacation together and I hoped this would be what we needed to really reconnect and focus on each other. But as soon as we hit the highway he let his rage start in on me. I just felt my fight die. I gave up. I even told him to just take me home and go on the cruise withiut me. The whole trip I couldn't find the same love that I'd had for him anymore. It's like he screamed it out of me. I had nothing left. I wanted to make it work for the kids. But my 10yr old started coming to me the next day to check in me, to see if I was ok physically and mentally. It broke my heart that she knew I wasn't ok. A couple weeks after the cruise he raged and shoved me across our bedroom, my head missed the dresser buy only a couple inches. I told him I wanted a divorce. He asked me to wait till I was calm to make that decision. I did, about a week or so later I told him that I meant it and still wanted to proceed. It's been months and i still have to dodge his rage and fits. I was trying to be friends for the sake of the kids but that isn't working. Our calm conversations always end in the same rage. I only want to speak to him about the kids going forward. I'm putting my foot down and standing my ground. I noticed our mutual friends seemed to be acting odd when I'm around. I'm driving back from a group vacation. 1 begged me to vent to her and then told him I told her everything. 2 others said I've been 'different' and 1 doesn't want to be around me anymore. Even admitting that 'different' might mean the backbone I grew. These friends were my village, they were so very important to me. I haven't gone into great detail with anyone but they've all brushed it off when I mention that the relationship was abusive. I don't want anyone to hate him. I wasn't expecting to lose our friends in the divorce. Feeling like I'm losing everything.

I was at the local witch shop for my witchy needs. First time I had ever been in. Too clean for my taste- I like my witchy shops a bit chaotic with a random cat running around. To each their own.
So I’m chatting to the manager and she’s helping me find some stuff. I got a really nice ritual bowl and a cool scrying crystal. I’m about to check out and she says
“There’s a book over here I think you might like! I haven’t read it but you might find some enlightening information”
Hey I love witch books. I happily investigated and my entire body froze when I realized
It’s a pregnancy journal.
A. Pregnancy. Journal.
I’m in my late 30’s and I’ve put on some extra pounds due to chronic illness. In my 20’s I had a very serious eating disorder. Love was connected to thinness.
At 5’10 I was roughly 125 pounds. My hair was falling out.
I’m about 30 pounds heavier and I still struggle with certain things. But I don’t look pregnant. I’m just curvy.
I like that I can eat ice cream and chicken.
After this lady, I cried for a while and my poor partner about had a conniption fit. And then scrolling through Reddit, my favorite pastime, I saw the Not Like Other Girls sub, where a girl called her “fat friends” a size 12-14. Bitch, I’m a 12.
I’m still reeling from it and haven’t quite let it go.

Télios was born a fetus. It was a miracle he even survived for such a short while. His father, from desperation and curiosity, placed him into a vat of Substance 7(Image1). There he was incubated for 9 years.
During those 9 years, the scientists there taught him the basics. Talking, writing, reading, but more importantly, how to use his gift. Complete control over his body. Every inch of flesh, membrane, and bone could mover however he wished. Morgan laid his eyes on his son, but something else greater. The perfect human, and thus spawned the name Télios. Greek for Perfection.
It allowed him to morph himself into any person, animal, or into a grotesque creature. However, he found much more use in tendrils he tipped off with bone. A few weeks after he turned 9, Morgan finally let him out of the tube.
Télios didn't want any of them to see his true form, piecing himself a body from everyone around him(image 2&3). Although he looked human, the result was... Uncanny... Hours passed until Télios finally learned to walk. He entered his father's car and went home.
Télios met Felicia and realized his appearance didn't match hers. Thus he shortened his stature, ditched the beard, and added a slight more innocent tone to his voice. The two got along great, their bond growing stronger with each passing day.
Télios quite enjoyed the violence when Morgan brought the two on opperations. The more Télios fought, the greater the ego he gained. Not only that, but the praise from his father and others pushed that arrogance farther.
During his 20's, Télios reverted to his older form (Image 2&3). And this is where a fial on Télios was cranked to 100. His "libido" drive. Thanks to his inflated ego, he believed that all, except family (obviously, ew), deserved his "gift".
Even despite Morgan's orders, Télios laid with many people, changing his form into any that was nescessary. Morgan, not wanting Télios to bear any horrific children, assembled a few agents to kill off any of his partners.
Télios couldn't care, they were one night stands anyway. And good riddance too, he was too high for child support. 20 more years of the cycle of killing, banging, and a dead partner continued for 10 years. Télios still looked the same as his 24 year old self.
However a one-time favor was asked of Télios. Morgan had to run some serious errands, and Felicia accidentally kidnapped a kid. The two going to find the parents, leaving the kid with Télios. In a short amount of time, Télios managed to traumatize the kid by explaining how a man and woman's body part work. As expected, Télios was never allowed to be near a child. Some more years pass as all was going well until...
One of these operations, they came across a man. One who bore a striking resemblance to Morgan. Than, with the 5 braincells Télios had, it clicked. This must've been an abandoned son. A fight insued in which Télios, even though he was perfect, was bested by a man in his late 30's?
Then a young boy ran out, stopping the fight. Why was this old man allowed to have a son but not him? He's perfect after all. But then Morgan fell over, clutching his chest. He muttered he was proud of them all, however when he said it. Not a glance was given to Télios...
But he's perfect? Why not look at him? It's because he's already perfect... Right? Now he laid dead. Only issue is... Where are they gonna live? Jack invited them inside, only for Télios to try to spread his seed and get him and Felicia kicked out. Eventually, Felicia found them a home, and Télios had an idea.
Now that his partners weren't being killed, that means he could father children. He could be a god to a whole new species, finally be praised for the perfection he is! Although Felix started the "hybrid" race with Jack, Télios kicked the population up sky-high. And he kept it up to his 40's.
Soon, he will be seen as perfection, by all. For he is Télios, the perfect human, a god among men. Unless one of those men are as skilled as Felix...
Also, if you noticed, I ended Felicia and Télios' stories at 40, Jack at 20. That's because canonically, they all go through wormholes and go to different universes, aka RP's, and continue their stories there. And now the possibilities are endless!

I want to be clear when I say this isn’t a post bragging about my supposed “glow up” lol and also I am a man if that’s important info
It’s just that for most of my life I’ve heard “jokes” that felt more like insults from family, friends, strangers, anyone that thought it would be funny to call me fat and ugly to my face. Of course I internalized these comments and just decided that I wasn’t a very attractive person. Got older, decided to get healthy, start working out and eating right, grooming properly, the whole deal that everyone says you’re supposed to do. I decided to get back in the dating scene after years of avoiding it due to the aforementioned thoughts of being unattractive. A couple partners have now informed me that apparently my looks aren’t just tolerable, but I am hot! I thought this would be the happiest day of my life but now I just stand in the mirror staring at myself trying to see what they see and I just can’t. It’s actually slightly uncomfortable because while yes I am physically fit (and I guess stereotypically “hot”) it feels like the body doesn’t match the person I see it’s attached to. I’m working on my self talk and eliminating those old insults from my self perception but it’s much tougher than I thought.
Is anyone else going through this right now? Honestly all i need right now is some solidarity and understanding but any advice is also appreciated!

everyone I just want to vent about something
I am 16 years old and after a very toxic relationship I soon became very depressed it was a very serious depressive episode I would say I was in my bed just rotting for all of October 2022 is when it started and really that depression took a while to curb and is now back from my arthritis symptoms. I had completely lost my appetite and really, I would eat nothing all day. I don’t know how I did it, I had nearly 7 seizures last year.. but I was so extremely depressed from such toxic people who were still trying to crawl back into my life. I’ve almost lost or I have lost 20 pounds in a year from the depression. I was always perfectly fine for my whole life.. I don’t know how to feel this is really hard for me mentally. I feel disabled I feel like my opportunities are reduced. I feel like as if I’m still struggling with the denial. So my parents definitely noticed my weight loss last year but didn’t really do anything to help me like take me to a doctor and I also didn’t advocate for myself as I was in so deep into my depressive episode so I can also blame myself I guess. But that’s what my problem is.. my mother blames me for my arthritis and everyone in my life is denying at the moment I think everyone is in shock as well. I got into an argument with my father a couple days about something petty and I had told him my arthritis has given me a short temper and made me an angrier person, he said you don’t have sh*t and it made me feel very invalidated and angry and I told him the first stage is denial maybe that wasn’t the best choice of words but I know he might just be in denial and hurt as well as my dad so I am not thinking about what he said too much. My symptoms really started Nov 2023 once in the morning I was brushing my hair before school and I felt a very tight pain in my wrist when I had moved my hand a certain direction because my hair is curly and needs a lot of maintenance, I knew this was a big red flag as I had never felt that before. Then the real pain started the joint pain, aching, dullness, burning, tense pain I feel deep in my bones that i know is arthritis 💔 I am so scared and worried for my future . My symptoms were the worst in winter, where my body would hurt all the time in the cold!! I dropped from 115 lb to almost 96-97 now i know I am unhealthy and doing my best to gain it back I am also 5’1. Also, whenever I move in class my body pops so extremely loud.. to have arthritis at this age in the school setting is so incredibly humiliating and confusing and difficult… I always have to crack my knuckles to ease the pressure built in them after I’m done writing, sometimes I feel the worst of all is I’ve lost my beautiful body that people used to compliment me on, I have genetic cystic acne and wear glasses so it really was the only thing that did make me feel good enough which hurts me to say. I wonder when I go to school what people think of me, I’ve even lost my best friend and friend group because I’m not beautiful like them anymore. It sounds stupid but it’s true my hair being very short due to the shrinkage in curly hair does make me look a bit ugly I have short hair now but it’s growing as i try to gain weight.. how i feel is what is the point of life if I am always suffering 💔 and why me💔 my parents can’t afford even clothes and food for me now they have to buy me medicine i don’t even think they are taking me seriously unfortunately… as the oldest daughter in an immigrant household they always expected me to know how to raise myself and now when i need them they aren’t here😔 it’s hard to write in class and even stay awake, i was always a sleepy person but arthritis is a different.. exhaustion. I feel as if there’s nothing to live for, I am emotionally drained and numbed I almost feel like I’m losing it sometimes. I wish we had a support group for very young people dealing with arthritis because I feel like my life is robbed from me but i only have myself to blame I guess 💔😔

I'm so fucking sick of taking 1-3 hours to fall asleep (yes THREE HOURS) each night and then waking up long before I get 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Whereas I know that many other people fall asleep and for a long time uninterrupted much much faster, like my dad who will be snoring in less than 5 mins. No I don't have any diagnosed sleep disorders, my body in particular is just fucking retarded. Just wound up with this sorry excuse for a body how unfortunate oh well
Tonight I made it a point to sleep extra early, at 11pm, when I had been sleeping at 1-3am for a while before. I took a warm shower, then immediately went to bed without looking at any screens (even if I did, both my phone and computer are perpetually on night mode anyway). I also don't drink alcohol or abuse any substances, basically I should be in good condition to have restful sleep most nights. Well guess what? I actually did fall asleep relatively quickly, probably in under an hour, but my retard fuck body ruins what would be a productive sleep by waking up at 2am and it's been an hour of lying in the dark trying every USELESS fucking sleep help technique i know of (counting backwards from 500, thinking of words for each letter of the alphabet, relaxing muscles one by one... all strategies that seem to work for other people having trouble sleeping but OF COURSE NOT ME), so I give up and I'm here ranting about how much I want to inflict suffering on my own useless noncooperative pussy of a body. Daytime tomorrow I'm probably going to be tired as shit and only THEN I'll fall asleep easily........ hmmmm i wonder why? fucking retard
It's like you don't want to work with me you fucking sorry piece of meat. I work out on most days and stuff food down my body, wayyy more calories than my natural bitch body's appetite, both healthy things that would be expected to help sleep, but then this shit happens? Is this shit youre pulling on me your way of getting revenge on me for putting you through this (exercising and eating like a healthy person)? I'm doing this for you and our health you fucking ingrate.
I also have diarrhea rn, have had it for a few days, I don't even know how the fuck that happens considering that my day to day diet (which is pretty healthy as far as I can tell; good macronutrients, calorie surplus to gain weight, and good amount of water) barely fluctuates. In theory 1L of milk every day may in theory result in the shits, but I have been drinking the same amount of milk everyday for months without any problems (I know it's the same because I buy those 3-pack bags of milk from the store and go through 1 bag/day). And if it turns out im lactose intolerant? Oh well just another entry in my body's massive catalogue of faults, no surprise there.
Speaking of eating, also such a fucking pussy in that regard. Tonight 2am woke up with extreme hunger pangs even though I finished eating, meeting my daily calorie/protein goal right before bed (and lying down or taking a shower soon after eating is apparently bad for you, wow very cool! fucking retarded human body requires so much shit and then refuses to work even when those requirements are met) so im here typing this as i eat goldfish crackers. I spend a disgusting amount of time cooking, shopping and calorie counting (which is fine) but also a disgusting amount of time EATING because my body is, again, a fucking pussy. I am probably one of the slowest eaters I know period, I could probably literally be starving and still take 30min to finish 500cal worth of rice. And the constant gagging that always seems to happen in the latter half of any meal, shut the fuck up and down it you useless sack of shit.
Ok now lets talk about the gym. Weak ass pathetic fucking body, of course i am small and skinny by default because my genetics said fuck you and im stuck with this. I've been training on and off for almost 2 years now yet some people who have literally never touched a weight or counted a single calorie in their life can probably lift more than me and somehow also progress faster and gain faster if they keep going because woohoo genetics!!!! maybe if you decided to cooperate and sleep like a normal functional body you would be much better off physically? unless you want to be a fucking loser for good, you sorry cunt. Now don't get me wrong, I have improved quite a lot over my training, but... see above
I wish I could dissociate my mind, soul and consciousness from my body, give it a retroactive consciousness of its own, and punish it for all the bitchmade shit its been pulling. Don't want to fall asleep? Well I hope you enjoy being fully awake for the whole night because I'm going to be torturing you medieval style the whole time. Thats what you wanted right? Hahahaha. Want to pussy out like usual and nap during the day? Too bad, you asked for it. Bitchmade eating difficulty? I will shove more food down your gullet than you can handle, lets see how you are after that... or I'll completely starve you instead since you don't want to eat right? Fucking cunt. And weak ass body at the gym? Either I'll make sure you train to failure every time until your very sinews are tearing, or I'll let your muscles atrophy to nothing since thats what you wanted right?
And this is just the physical side of things, not even going to get into the other shit. At least I'm mentally okay I guess, don't have depression or anxiety or anything, so we know those arent causing my somatic problems its just my body being fucking stunted
There is so much more I want to get out but it's 4am now and i'm tired on less than 3 hours of sleep and we all know why. yes, it's so fun how I'm too tired to do anything, yet unable to sleep! so very fun!! worst of both worlds, thanks for nothing fucking disabled body. I'm going to play video games to hopefully wear myself out ENOUGH, then try to head back to sleep with zero guarantee of success. good night

Once the grisly hunt had ended, we waited until the hunters were over the hill and gone. As we sat in the Reina del Cielo, we processed everything. Not only were the Pullman-Seldano people here and messing up the place, but were going as far as to commit wanton murder on the wildlife. “Ok, guys,” Calderon said, breaking the tense silence. “I know that was awful to see - and take it from me, I’ve seen some shit across the world, all kinds of shit done to animals - but we’ve got to keep going. What if they come back?” We reluctantly agreed, and off we went, initially silently as we feared there may still be some people in the area. We continued northwest along the Yaku River, and as another hour ticked by, we found ourselves at yet another tributary. This time, the one that connects the Yaku, Utjawi, and Kasike Rivers. “Hold on, we gotta do a quick reorientation along the current here,” Calderon announced as he started to prevent the plane from drifting off down the wrong river. But then, as we started our cross, an explosion shook the water, and we were briefly tossed up into the air, landing back down with a tremendous splash. “What the hell? What was that?”
Then the whole river system started to shake, the water bashing against and spilling onto the shores like an overflowing bathtub. As this happened, over the sound of roaring, agitated water came the sound of stone crumbling. Then, as Calderon tried to maneuver to where the river continued to our northwest, one of the hydrofoils made contact with the shoreline, and we were briefly stuck. Once the hydrofoil was dislodged, then our whole right side began to sink, and we saw that the shoreline was collapsing, sand and silt falling into a large space below. With our left side in the air and the water pushing us, we found ourselves falling downward. We fell surprisingly not far down, only about 15 or 20 feet down. We landed in a pool of brownish water, and as the river water and falling sand and silt above followed us down, we looked around to see just what kind of cavity we fell into. Surprisingly (or perhaps not, at this point), it was manmade.
We had landed in a large tunnel dug into the bedrock. The ‘river’ we landed in seemed to be a stream of dirty runoff following the main path of the tunnel route next to us. The end behind us led on into blackness, and the end in front of us was shut away by a steel gate. 30 feet away sat a large vehicle next to stacks of steel crates. This vehicle resembled a massive bulldozer, with several clawed metal arms tucked on the side, giving it a somewhat insectoid appearance. The main blade was divided into two parts, which resembled enormous metal claws then they did a bulldozer blade. As my eyes wandered around the area, I noticed that the vehicle was restrained by chains, with a small sign nearby reading in big red letters: “OUT OF ORDER.” We reluctantly disembarked the plane to assess the damage, and while it wasn’t severe, it was yet another blow that stopped our progress. We had resigned ourselves to our little inconvenient fate when we heard a snarl above us. Looking up and peering over the edge was the head of a toothy gulper. The aquatic dinosaur clearly took an interest in us, and even though it seemed to be deciding whether or not to follow us down, the river made its choice for it, the water shoving the animal down with us, thankfully next to the plane instead of on top of it.
The enormous animal flopped around upon landing and tried to go for us. Running back inside the safety of the plane, we were shoved into the rock wall to our left, and Calderon and Missy aimed weapons at the creature, but didn’t fire yet. As this happened, the toothy gulper tried to wrap itself around the plane. “What are you waiting for? Fire!” Mary Ann yelled. Missy shook her head. “Not yet, it has to line up.” Mary Ann looked confused, approaching Missy’s station. “Now?” Missy shook her head. The creature was now bearing down on our right wing, its elongated body lining up to around the gate. “Now!” Missy exclaimed, and the electrical guns fired. The toothy gulper was shot backwards, flying back at great speed as it’s enormous body collided with the gate, bringing it down with a loud clash. With this came the sounds of further objects clattering. As the dust cleared, the path ahead was shown to be dimly lit, with a row of weak yellow lights along the ceiling. Shelves collapsed as tools and other objects rolled out into view. One of these was unlike the others: a yellow crystal that caught the light as it rolled out, with bits of stone still stuck to it. Then the appearance of the crystal made sense. Viracochite. This was a mine. And the smoking gun? The label on the vehicle not far away, and logo proudly emblazoned on various tools and other items spilling out? Pullman-Seldano.

I Accepted a Job to Film on the Dark Web
Man, I am pumped to tell you chronically online content addicts my story. Wait is that too mean of an intro? Will this get taken down for harassment since I painted too accurate a picture of the people on this site? Sorry, everyone, I’m sure you all smell like an expensive bakery and have touched grass this morning. Anyway, I promise I have something interesting. It even involves the dark web you uncreative writers cream yourselves over! I mean, totally real people speaking about their strangely similar experiences. Okay, fine I’ll stop bullying you through the screen before you click off.
This all started when I was seven years old and my parents were killed in front of me in an anti-indigenous hate crime, but let's be real you don’t care. I’m just some annoying Cherokee kid with dead parents so I’ll skip to the good parts. I spent years in an orphanage, gradually becoming more interested in death and violence. As bad as it is, I went out of my way to expose myself to that content in the hopes of desensitizing myself. Which ended up working too well, since now I’m obsessed with causing and viewing pain, though I don’t find any joy in hurting myself.
I got adopted at twelve and after a few months of staying at my new family’s home on the reservation, I went with them to a state sweatier than the average Reddit user, California. Long story short, both of my caretakers, whom I referred to as Uncle and Auntie because they could never be my parents, died. Leaving me in the care of their older son, who I call cousin. I’m not stupid enough to give up any real names, so I’ll call him Brick, cause he’s as dumb as one. He was in his early 20s when he was tasked with taking care of me and is the world’s worst excuse for a babysitter.
I’m almost always alone at the apartment, with him only coming by to drop off supplies and stay for a few hours so the neighbors don’t get too worried. Unless I get in trouble at school, then he’d suddenly give a shit. It's useful because he doesn't about the gory stuff I look at, but some display of interest would be nice. Oh well, ninety percent of the population sucks so he’s just part of the majority. Now, with that said, you’ll be able to understand the perfect storm that led me here. During my time on the deep web, I found a particular website that caught my eye. They had new footage relatively consistently and they were the easiest for me to access since I didn't go too far into the dark web, especially with all the honey pots lying around.
I even bought a couple of files for myself to study and admire. One thing irritated me though, the cameraman. He was always sobbing, breathing, shaking, or some combination of those. It seriously killed the vibe of the killings. Something I commented on under many videos, often saying I would do a better job filming. A choice that in hindsight was me asking to end up in one of those recordings. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was mostly the only one who commented but I was sure they wouldn't care. I was embarrassingly wrong.
I was staying up like usual, but it was past one AM on a school night, and back then that was a lot so I tried to sleep. Closing my eyes, tossing and turning, the works. I had just started drifting off when I heard the front door open. I remained calm but immediately found it weird since Brick never showed up this late. The thuds of the individual's feet grew louder as they got closer to my bedroom. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a stranger, especially since they got in with ease, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
They hummed as they opened my door. My dumbass had left it unlocked. I remained on my side, trying to look like I was asleep. They turned on the flashlight of their phone, shining it in my face. It was hard but I stayed still while they traced it over my features. I could tell they were smiling as they clicked their tongue.
“Heh, I knew it was a brat,” they whispered to themselves, pulling tangles out of my hair. Something I struggled not to groan from. They pulled up the hair over my ear and got so close spit got on my ear lobe.
“I know you’re awake kid,” they murmured, putting a blade to my neck. I let them grab my shoulder and move me onto my back, I knew how to fight but I wasn't about to take that big a risk with the position they had me in.
“You think you’re so cool saying you can do better than our guy.” they snickered, kneeling, their flashlight still shining in my face.
“Do you seriously believe that?” they questioned, moving the light away.
“Yeah, I do.” I stood my ground, they might have been intimidating but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from being honest.
“I wouldn't sound like I’m gonna piss myself every time it gets gory. I’m confident I could get better footage too, getting up close is something I’ve fantasized about.”
They clicked their tongue again and ran their finger over the bridge of my nose.
”Well, I know you’re a big fan of what we do, and you’re confidence makes me think you got something to back those claims up, so how’d you like a deal?”
I was surprised by how civil they were being aside from the touching and weapon against my throat.
“What kind of deal?” I asked, for all I knew this guy wanted me to lick their feet or some weird shit like that. They placed a finger underneath my eye, tracing a half moon with their nail.
“You have till this Friday to film a video of you killing an animal and put it on a flash drive that I’ll pick up here. If it impresses me and the crew we’ll hire ya with a handsome salary.” They began, moving their hand down to my cheek.
“But if you don't show, or it doesn't meet our standards, then I’m fucking up one of the parts of your face.” They warned, pinching my skin harshly.
“And if I say no to this deal?”
They put their hand over my mouth, scratching my lips.
“That’s cute, if you say no I’ll just slit your throat.” they grinned.
“Or rip it open with my teeth if you got a preference,” they smirked, before running their tongue across their sharp teeth.
“Okay, since I have no choice I’ll go with it, but I’m telling you now I can give you something way better than what you likely expect of me.” I prefaced, looking into their sunken eyes. They scratched my scalp, including the side of my head that was shaved.
“Good choice, I’ll be back to pick it up and if you're not here I’ll assume you don’t have the video. I genuinely wish you luck, because you’ll need it.” they removed the blade from my neck and walked away. I sat still for a few minutes in the dark, processing what had happened and wondering how they got into my apartment with such ease. I was confident I could blow their sniveling excuse of a cameraman out of the water, but I was worried about the people I was getting caught up with.
Sure, I had been on a lot of gore sites over the years but I was always just watching and occasionally commenting. Compared to most in the scene I wasn't much of a threat. I could defend myself and have contemplated killing for years but I hadn't murdered anyone or worse. Plus, I am part of way too many targeted groups to not be constantly at risk. Teenage, fem-leaning, two-spirit, indigenous kid with trauma? Yeah, I might as well be walking sign screaming “Hate crime me”.
So yeah, there was a lot to worry about. Regardless, I couldn't let that fear hold me back. I had a job to do and a group of sickos to appease. The next morning was rough, I got no sleep cause I’d spent all night brainstorming. I barely mustered the energy to change and drank straight mouthwash instead of brushing my teeth. Slogging onto the bus with drool on my cheek, I went to the back like usual. No one sat there cause, the seats were extra worn down, and I scared off anyone who attempted to with my active, rabies-infected bitch face. That day was different though.
I blanked on his name and where I knew him from, but I recognized his wavy hair and prominent curved nose. He glanced at each seat on the bus, before somehow settling on my area. He tried to give me space but ultimately seated himself beside me after realizing it was the only spot that didn't look like it would give him cancer. I glared at him as I did with everyone, but it didn't phase him.
“You know you could pick anywhere else right?” I murmured. He stared at the floor, then at me.
“I’m aware, but a few months ago I started a mission to sit on every part of this bus, and this is the last place.” he smiled, his lips softly curving at the sides.
“What’s the point of that?”
His mouth moved into a more neutral position, but his eyes kept smiling.
“I just thought it would be neat to see the same place from a bunch of different perspectives.” he took out his phone and snapped a photo from the point of view where he was sitting. Maybe my sleepiness made my bitch face less effective, cause he hadn't shown a hint of fear, which kind of annoyed me.
“That’s cool I guess, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. I’ve done some back here alone that would make your skin crawl.” in hindsight my attempt at unnerving him just made me sound like a pervert, which is probably why he held back laughter. Trying to hide a chuckle by clearing his throat.
“Hey, it's not my business what you do, no matter how Haram it is. It’s your life so that’s between you and whatever you believe in. Just don’t shake hands with me.” he joked, playfully putting his hands up. Strangely, I remembered his name at that moment.
“Oh shit, you’re Abdul! We have art together.” I sat up, haphazardly slamming my hand down on my leg.
“Uh yeah, I’ve seen some of your paintings, they’re pretty cool. I like the way you texture them, I’m trying to work on that.” he complimented, seeming more weirded out by my sudden energy than my accidental insinuation. I felt a little stupid for yelling his name but decided not to dwell on it.
“Thanks, you’re stuff is nice, and you’re good at shading.”
He stretched his arms while thanking me. We talked for a few more minutes, taking jabs at each other throughout. Turns out he was better at being an asshole than his artsy charismatic appearance made me think. The thing setting our insults apart being that you could tell he was a loving person underneath. It was the nicest conversation I had with anyone in a while. Though he could tell I was tired so he quieted down, letting me sleep, waking me when we got to school. We went our separate ways until the last two periods we shared. All that time, I spent my remaining energy plotting how I was going to handle the video. What I’d kill, record with, and how to dispose of the evidence. It was a lot to consider, but through three classes I devised a plan.
I’d find a stray around my apartment complex and take it out in my room. Record it on a portable camera since I broke the ones on my phone, no, I will not be answering how that happened. Then once I had my footage I’d put the body in a trash bag, throw it in the complex’s garbage, and clean the blood off my floor. It didn't seem like Brick would come by so he wasn't a factor I thought I’d have to consider. The plan was almost too easy, but I decided to believe in Occam’s razor. I got so lost in thought that by the time I reached Art, which was my second-to-last period, I didn't process that we were moving seats.
“She called your name,” Abdul reminded me. Our teacher placed us next to each other at our four-person table. The two girls sitting with us were already friends, so I didn't bother to say anything, but I was interested in talking to him more.
“So, what do you think of this assignment?” He shrugged, taking out his sketchbook.
“I’m not that good at drawing people, but the idea of combining two people’s faces into a portrait seems interesting. Any ideas on who you’ll pick?”
“Probably the members of the music duo Brain Tumor, they’re my favorite artists and they both look weird as hell.”
“Wow way to talk about your favorites, if that’s what you say about them I can‘t imagine what you have to say about me.” he joked, pulling up reference pictures.
“First, it’s not an insult, second I don’t have anything to say about you. Brain and Tumor have features and styles that make them stand out. Sure they’re ugly, but it just adds to their visual charm. Hot people are boring, there’s nothing to pick at.” I explained, unzipping my bag.
“Oh, so you’re saying you think I’m hot.”
His comment wasn’t serious but it kind of got to me.
“Shit, that’s not what I meant, I was trying to say you’re boring. All hot people are boring, but not all boring people are hot, okay?” I explained, flipping to a clean page.
“Alright, but if I’m so bland then why talk to me?”
I hesitated, contemplating how much of a dick I was gonna be.
“Because it means you probably need some spice in your life, which I can provide.”
He began sketching a head on his paper.
“I like spices, but I feel like you’re the kind of person to dump a cabinet’s worth onto me.”
I flicked my pencil over to his side of the desk, putting on a mocking grin.
“Aww, you scared I’m gonna get you into trouble?”
He picked up the pencil and started using it, putting his on my side.
“No, ‘cause I’m good at setting boundaries. I’m more concerned that you’ll get annoyed with how unafraid of you I am.”
I stared at him for a moment, I hadn't expected to hear that.
“Jeez, man you didn't have to read me like that.”
He shrugged, observing the red paint from past projects that lay on my pencil.
“It's not hard to figure out, just this morning you were trying to push me away on the bus. Lucky, or unlucky, for you I want you to have a friend and you seem like a fun person.”
“Wait are you saying I have no friends?” I squinted at him.
“Well, do you?”
I didn't answer.
“If your response is silence I suggest you take up my offer.”
I was stunned, to be honest. No one had offered to be my friend since 6th grade, and that didn't last long. Of course, I accepted it, but for the rest of the period, there was an awkwardness in my mind. As pathetic as it sounds I wasn't used to others genuinely enjoying my company like he did. Which was partly by design cause I get joy out of scaring people away, but still. I forgot how it felt to have conversations about normal things like art. He had such a nice smile too, usually when I see a grin I want to slap it off, but I liked his. His voice was also nice, it’s hard to describe what in particular but it was easy on the ears.
Okay, I’m starting to get off-topic. I’ll skip to the important part. Toward the end of class, he started talking about how he was interested in filmmaking and got a portable video camera as a gift at last year’s Eid. He didn't have it on him, but he showed me a picture.
“Heh, that’s funny, I bought the same one a month ago.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, it's a popular model, I’m still getting the hang of it though cause I’m so used to using my phone.”
“Well, maybe I could bring you over to my place or vice versa after school and I can help you out.” I suggested.
He smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I thought you said you’ve only had it for a month? You know I can always look up tutorials from trained professionals.” he reminded me with a notable smugness that I'd used with him before.
“Well those guys are stuffy and I’m a fast learner.”
He redirected his attention back to his page, picking his pencil up.
“Alright, I suggest we go somewhere public instead. You’re not exactly the kind of person I want to bring home to my parents right away. Plus they always need to meet my friends and their guardians before I hang out at their home.”
I gave an exaggerated sigh, stretching my back.
“Aw man, looks like we can’t get high in my murder pit during our first hangout.”
He didn't respond for a solid few seconds.
“Wait, you do know I'm joking right?”
He shrugged, the smile in his eyes appearing again.
“I mean, one of those things is a little less believable than the other.” he snickered, and I laughed with him.
We set up a time and a date, which is where I screwed myself. He ended up being busy with projects from his other classes and family which just left us with Friday, the same day I had to submit the video. Now, did I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it? No, of course not, because I decided to be stupid and even more overconfident. I said that I’d one hundred percent be able to hang out with him after school like I didn't have a mutilator who was going to drop by my place at an unknown time.
The rest of the day went over fine but that bad timing led me to feel like a dick later. When I got home I was able to write out my plan, even sketching a few specifics of what I’d do. It was more exciting than when I’d been brainstorming, but this is when the gravity of the situation began to set in. When I said I’d fantasized about killings I meant it. I mean my teddy with twenty-five stab wounds should say enough. Regardless this would be the first time real blood was on my hands.
It made me feel powerful, but a little afraid. I’ve heard stories of people thinking that it would be an awesome experience and then feeling like shit. I doubted I’d be one of those people but still. Plus, I didn't exactly trust the guy who gave me this job. There was a good chance that this whole situation was rigged and they’d kill me no matter how good the video was. Or worse turn me into the feds and expose my collection. Honestly, if that happened I’d probably eat a shot to avoid going to jail. Wait, can I say that on this platform? Okay to the mods, that was a joke, I want to live a long life. Ugh, I’m doing a terrible job of staying on track. The point is there was a lot up in the air despite it being a matter of life or death.
I knew I’d go through with it but it was still a lot less straightforward than it initially seemed. I wracked my brain to remember where most of the cats stayed and tried to come up with a good way to lure one without raising suspicion. This also proved harder than first thought because I didn't think to account for the cat man, an old guy who lived alone and fed all the cats in our dingy complex while also housing a few. Knowing how obsessive he was he’d probably notice if one of them disappeared. Then again not all the cats return consistently or at all. It makes more sense that he’d think one of them was run over rather than slaughtered. It was getting late again so I rested my head for a moment, a bad move cause I ended up falling asleep at my desk. Not even changing out of the clothes I’d worn before, I woke up late and barely caught the bus the next morning.
I went to my usual spot but Abdul had already taken it. He patted the area next to it, which he’d covered in a towel, a smart move knowing how nasty it was. People gave me a few dirty looks as normal, which I smiled at. I stretched, my mind slightly less out of it than the previous morning.
“Uh, you do realize that-”
“Yeah, I know I’m wearing the same clothes.”
Abdul looked me up and down, his eyes remaining soft, but with a mix of concern and judgment. He set his backpack down and took off his sweater handing it to me.
“Dude what are you-”
“Look I don't know what led to you not being able to change but I think you should at least have a fresh top.”
I was surprised he was offering me something to wear but I took it.
“Uh, thanks, I’ll change into it later.”
He nodded as I put it in my backpack.
“You know you didn't have to do that.” I reminded him.
“Well there’s a lot of stuff I don’t have to do, but I do it because I want to, and I wanted to help you out.”
He smiled, his face still warmer than an Arizona summer. I got a strange feeling in my chest at that moment, I still can’t tell if it was good or bad.
“Well, thanks, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.”
We talked a little more and he mentioned something that caught my attention.
“Have you heard about all the animals that have been turning up dead?”
My eyes widened with surprise.
“No, I haven't, when did you hear about that?”
He pulled on his long-sleeve shirt.
“My sister said her friend who works at a shelter noticed a bunch of animals were getting adopted by people around the same time, and since then gore videos with them have been showing up. She found out through her co-worker who was emailed it by some random creep.”
I covered my mouth and looked away to hide the smile growing on my face. He had just given me the perfect cover-up without knowing. Now if I killed an animal people had an entire violent ring to connect it to instead of me! I stayed quiet for a minute because I could tell he’d likely see through any phony sad sounds I made.
“Oh wow, that’s awful, do you think they’ll ever find out the people behind it?”
He sighed, running his hand through his wavy hair.
“I hope so, for now, all we can do is pray that no more animals get hurt.”
I couldn't contain my grin as he said that so sincerely like animals and people didn't die constantly and that taking down one group would somehow stop the issue.
“Is there some joke I don’t get?” he furrowed his brow.
“Uh, no, sorry I smile when nervous.”
His gaze softened again, and he didn't press further.
His bringing up the animal killings ended up being the exact push I needed to get my hands dirty. I’d spent the entire day before planning so it was time to put that plan into action. I stole some cat treats that the cat man had laid out and spread them around my apartment which was on the bottom floor. Waiting for one of them to take the bate outside my window was pretty boring but one of them came after a few minutes. A scraggly brown and black cat with a tuft of fur missing on one side of his head. It's messed up but I felt like a little less of an asshole for taking him in since he looked like he was already struggling. I scooped him up and he didn't attempt to fight back.
“Hey there buddy” I waved, feeding him some more food. His eyes had a lot of crust on them, it was kinda gross but I don’t have the right to say with how often I wash my jeans. After a minute or two he let me pet him. I knew making any kind of attachment was bad but I thought it was the right thing to do so he’d fall into a sense of security. I was just about to take him into my room when the door opened.
“Hey, I’m back with groceries!” my shithead cousin announced with two plastic bags in his hands. He looked down to see me with the cat, his eyebrows raising.
“Aw come on, you know we can’t afford a pet.”
He groaned placing the bags on a table and unloading them.
“I know, but he doesn't look like he’s got a lot of life in him I at least want to help him feel better before he kicks the bucket!”
Brick rolled his eyes, putting the cereal box on top of the fridge
“Jeez, did you even think about what diseases he might have? His eyes look puffy what if he has something that can get you sick?”
He had valid concerns which was surprising since he’s usually stupid, but I was still annoyed with him.
“I’m sure he’s fine, I’ll even try to wash him, just please let me hold onto him for a little.”
He folded his arms looking down at us.
“Have you even named him?”
I froze for a second, before using the first thing that came to mind, which ended up being pretty awful knowing my plans.
“Cash cow.” I blurted, awkwardly patting his head.
“Honestly that’s better than what I was expecting. I was sure you’d pick ‘Hellspawn Mcgee’ or something else corny.”
He meant to make fun of me but honestly, I would have named him that if I had more time.
“Ugh, anyway I got those dumb chips you like.”
He then pulled out a bag of the wrong chips.
“Dude those are the wrong ones, this is the third time you’ve mixed up the flavors.”
He threw them at me, scaring the cat slightly.
“Well, I pay for it so you shouldn't be so picky. Anyway, while I was in line I picked up something you might be into.”
He then tossed me a trashy teen magazine. One of my least favorite sorry excuses for an influencer on the cover.
“This is a joke, right?”
I couldn't believe my own adopted brother gave such little shit in my interests.
“I don't know, you decided to start being a girl for real this time so I thought the makeup tips on page ten would help you out.”
I scrunched my face at his comment.
“Dude I’ve been this way for years, just because I started wearing more makeup and dresses doesn't mean I’m more of a girl than when I didn't. I know you won’t get the two-spirit thing but come on.”
He shrugged, seeing me done with me even though he’d just shown up.
“Yeah well hey I’m trying. Anyway, just so you know a friend of mine is coming here Friday.”
My heart stopped.
“Wait why here? You live elsewhere why can’t you assholes go there or their place!”
He slammed his fist on the table.
“Will you shut the fuck up!”
He screamed with a phrase I’d grown numb to.
“I don't know, to be honest, something about wanting to move into this complex and this being a way to scout it out. I’m just letting you know now so you don’t act like a complete freak.”
“Jokes on you I’ll piss in whatever shitty beer you bring just cause you said that!”
I yelled back raising my voice higher than his. He face-palmed before putting the plastic bags in the drawer under the sink.
“Whatever, you and your ketamine-addict-looking cat have fun,” he told me while seating himself on the couch. I picked up the cat and walked into the bathroom to clean it. I closed the door and placed him in the dry tub. Using a small disposable mouthwash cup I got a little bit of water. I hadn't had a pet before so I wasn't sure how to approach the task. I dipped my fingers in the water and carefully pet it while pouring s small bit down his back. Any other cat would fight back but he just made pissed-off noises without doing anything.
I scrapped my old shampoo bottle and kneaded it into his thin fur. His skin was bumpy and dry beneath the hair so scrubbing it was uncomfortable. I made sure to avoid getting soap in its eyes but I did pull away some of the crust on its lids. His pupils were so clouded I was surprised that he could see at all, making me feel even more sure that he would be on its way out with or without me.
After drying him I set him on a beat-up shirt I wore when modifying clothes. He sunk his claws into it a few times, playing with a loose string. I ignored him for the rest of the night, hopping into the shower and changing for bed. His meows woke me up a few times but I tuned it out after a while, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my cat for long.
The next day was Thursday and there wasn't a second that passed by where the weight of the murder I’d have to commit didn't weigh on me. I seriously shot myself in the foot by taking care of that scruffy, pubic hair pile. I was supposed to be hyped about killing it, after all, I’d dreamed and seen way worse than what I was going to do. Yet once I got home and started setting up I felt grosser with each step. I decided to record it in my bathroom instead of my bedroom so it would be harder to connect to me. I set down a few fabric scraps and a worn-out beach towel, placing it all inside a tub for easier cleanup later.
“Okay, I guess it's time,” I mumbled to myself. I brought the cat in and placed it down, setting up my camera once it was comfortable. I also wore my most generic clothes in addition to a mask, putting my hair in a bun for sanitation. When I saw the flicker of red showing that the camera was on I felt I was dreaming. I smiled, excited that I’d get to live out my violent desires. Yet, when I looked down at its pathetic frame and confused expression those urges left me.
I rationalized what I was doing, reminding myself how many animals die all the time and that I’d been forced into this, but it didn't help much in the end. I won’t get into it but under the pressure of impressing the group Cash Cow didn't go out as fast as I would have liked for a first task. Getting rid of the evidence was especially rough, the textures were pretty nasty, to put it mildly. It was surreal watching the blood go down the tub drain and gradually drip off my hands as I rinsed them. I couldn't conjure a single thought the entire time I cleaned it up.
Whether I was wringing out the clothes or putting the remains in plastic bags, it didn't matter. All I could focus on was the task at hand, with hints of disgust along the way. I ended up finishing at three AM. My hands were wrinkled and shook once I settled. I won’t deny that during the murder I didn't hate it. Slashing into something was fun and it made me feel strong. Still, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I expected it to be. Part of it was guilt, but it was mostly disappointment. I’d built it up for years and it wasn't earth shatteringly good or bad.
Overall, I expected to feel more, but it just left me hollow with an uncomfortable itch. There was no way I’d ever be able to see the tub the same way, hell I don’t think I’ll ever use it again. Luckily I almost always shower anyway so it's not too big of a deal. I watched a few horror game videos, trashed everything, changed and went to bed.
My scalp hurt like a bitch the morning since I kept my hair in that stupid bun. Despite getting less sleep than the past two days I held myself together a bit better in the morning. I brushed my teeth, changed, and had some fried bread before getting on the bus. Regardless I looked like complete shit and struggled to slump into my seat.
“Rough night?” Abdul asked
“Uh, yeah.” I quietly responded looking to the floor.
He frowned, looking at me with concern.
“You can talk about it if you're comfortable,” he assured me. I contemplated giving him a thinly veiled metaphor or vague explanation so he'd comfort me but stopped myself before my mouth could run a muck. He wouldn't be able to do much of anything and I don’t like opening up.
“Uhm, thanks but it's something I have to deal with alone.”
He nodded, respecting my boundaries.
“You know, I understand if you can’t hang out today it seems like you have a lot going on.”
I avoided eye contact with him as he spoke. For once I was feeling hints of guilt toward a person. I wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I wasn't in the state to do that.
“Yeah, I think it’ll have to wait, I’m-” I cut myself off before apologizing. A fact about me that should surprise no one is that I hate apologizing. Even when I do feel kinda bad the act fills me with embarrassment.
“You what?” he asked, his eyes telling me that he knew what I was going to say.
“I’m emotionally not great.” I spat out in an admittedly poor attempt to get out of saying sorry. As always he remained calm but I could tell he saw through me.
“Okay, like I said I understand, whatever it is I hope you feel better.”
I told him thank you and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, I wasn't bouncing back from killing nearly as much as I expected.
“It wasn't even that bad! That thing was on its last legs anyway.” I grumbled to myself, smacking my forehead. I was feeling worse than when I did it which is weird. I ended up spontaneously decorating a ratty tie from the bottom of an accessory drawer to distract myself. It helped me get my mind off things, for a little. I had zero plan, just wanting to make something needlessly complex. Hours that felt like minutes passed and soon it was covered in patches, frills, and beads. I just tried it on when I heard the front door open.
“Man, that shit was wild!” I heard Brick laugh groggily. I didn't have to see or smell him to know he’d gotten lit. I rolled my eyes, closing my bedroom door.
“Hey, who’s there?” his friend asked, seemingly referring to me.
“Oh, that’s my little sis, don’t mind her she’s just on her emo shit!” he joked, which pissed me off for the petty reason that I didn't even listen or dress emo.
“Hey, that’s alright with me, I went through one of those phases,” they responded, their words less slurred than my cousin’s.
I fucked up and forgot to lock it when I closed it so they were able to swing it open, almost smacking my desk.
“Hey emo girl!” they waved as Brick haphazardly pulled them back.
“Okay, man, seriously I think she wants to be left alone.”
The way his friend looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they’d snap my neck if I pissed them off. They clicked their tongue while stepping through the door frame.
“Alright, but I gotta say calling her an emo is inaccurate, they look like they watch gore and most emos just say they do.” they flashed a sharp toothy grin. At that moment I began to connect the dots.
“Easy, she’ll get pissy with you dude, now come on.” Brick warned tugging their opened button pushed him away. They looked me dead in the eyes.
“I don’t think she minds, in truth, I feel like we’ll have a lot to discuss later.” they smiled again, finally walking back into the living room. A chill ran up my spine when I saw them. The sharp teeth, New York accent, unsettling gaze, that motherfucker was the person who recruited me! They were able to get into my place so easily cause my dumbass cousin probably gave them a spare key or the opportunity to make one, and now they were a room away from me!
I dug my hands into my pillow as I contemplated what to do, no matter what happened next, I knew it was gonna be a rough visit.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense English isn't my first language.
2 years ago I moved in with my cousin, her husband, and there 2 kids. All was going, I helped with chores, baby sat for them plenty of times, and even cooked dinner or lunch when they were too tired to cook, I tried my best to be helpful around the house since I didn't have a job, I tried getting a job but every where I went they turned me down. It all went down hill when my other cousin passed away, I was devastated when I got the call from my sister, when I got the call I cried for a while till I fell asleep, when I woke up I just cried more, after I went to bathroom to wash my face, not long after my cousin noticed I was crying and asked if I was okay, I told her that my other cousin passed away and I couldn't even finish my sentence cause of my crying, she comforted me for and told me she was there for me and would do anything I needed from her. I later went to go see how my uncle was doing, my cousin drove me to go see them. I visited my uncle for a bit and went home. My cousin's husband drove me home since she was at work. The next would be planning the funeral. And the day after that they would be moving the body to the church, I had to meet up with my uncle, dad and other family members, so I asked my cousin to drive me, she seemed a little annoyed when she drove me, I felt bad for asking. Next few days family was still planning the funeral. And the night before the funeral I had asked for ride to the funeral, they didn't really answer my question. I couldn't sleep that night, so when it came to the time I should be leaving for the funeral they weren't awake, I waited 20 more minutes for them, still asleep so I decided to walk, it was a 40 minute walk for me. I was hesitant to walk, but I also didn't want to wake them up just for a ride I didn't want to annoy them. I also couldn't ask my dad or uncle for ride as they were already at the church and they don't have service or wifi there. The funeral went by, and before I knew it was 5pm, I had asked my cousin for ride back but she didn't answer . Since she didn't answer me I wait a few hours at the church until one of my other family members was able to drive me home, I got home late and was exhausted so I went straight to bed, I woke up around midnight and just laid there for bit, I couldn't believe that my cousin had passed away, I again was crying, soon later I stopped crying and start scrolling on my phone since I wasn't on it as much that week, and then my cousin walked in my room and asked how the funeral went, I said went fine, and she started a small conversation, that lead her to saying that she wants to spend time with her husband that next morning, she basically hinted that she wanted me to babysit for them the next morning, I was shocked that she said that because I had just gotten home a few hrs before from my other cousin's funeral.But the next morning they didn't do as they planned. A few hours later my mom had texted me and asked if I wanted to go out to eat I said yes, as I thought it would be good for me to get out. I went out to eat with my mom, i went home with leftovers since I couldn't eat all of it. I fell asleep once again when I got home, and only got a few hours of sleep. I had woken up at midnight, I woke up to my cousin and her husband drinking, and there 2 kids watching tv in there room. Mind you this is the night after my cousins funeral, about an hour later my cousin came into my room and had asked me to babysit there kids and make sure they stay in the room, usually I would say yes but I was hesitant to since I was grieving. She said it's okay that I just could hear out the kids and check in on them every 15 minutes, she then left my room, not even 10 minutes later she came back into my room asked me to sit with the kids, again I was hesitant to say yes, but I just said fine since it was alr kate at night and thought the kids would go sleep soon, 1 hour later kids still awake...2 hours later kids still awake...3 hours later kids are still awake...4 hours later kids are still awake... 5 HOURS later kids are finally sleeping. The WHOLE TIME I was with the kids my cousin and her husband were drinking. Safe to say I was pissed, I finally went to sleep too, I woke up late in the afternoon since I was up late babysitting. I was hungry so I went to go heat up my food I had brought home the day before. My cousin walked pasted the kitchen and saw me and came to say hi to me, I said nothing as I was mad at her for basically pushing me to babysit for her while I was grieving, she tried starting a conversation but she noticed I wasn't saying anything to her, she asked if I was okay, I just said nothing and as soon as my food was done heating up I walked away back to my room. I know this may seem childish but I was mad at her for pushing me to babysit for her while she n her husband drink, she knows I can't say not to them. I gave her and her husband the cold shoulder the next few days, up until I went to go visit my uncle, I stayed with him for the night since I need some time away. I didn't plan on staying with him when I went to visit I just did. I usually babysit for them since there work schedules overlap. But I didn't know if I had to babysit that since they didn't tell me if I needed to, so I decided to stay with my uncle for the night. That may have upset my cousin a bit cause when I went back she kept asking what's wrong with me, I said nothing. The next day my sister in-law who is very pregnant started labour. I wanted to be with her since me and her are very close. So I went with my mom to go be there for her. She wasn't dilated enough to give birth yet so we tried walking stairs and walking around all day. That help a little bit, later we went back to my sister-in-laws place so she could rest. While we were at her place I got a text from my cousin, my cousin texted me basically saying that I don't help out, and she gave me a "choice" that I should move out or "help out" more, I was in disbelief I just brust into tears. A few minutes later I had gotten another text from my aunty she had said that my cousin was going around telling people lies about me, I won't say what my cousin was saying about me behind by back since it hurt me she would say that after all I've done for her. I sat there sobbing for what felt like hours, hurt that she would do that to me. I felt like burden sobbing since my sister in law was in the room in early labour. I couldn't help it tho I was just hurt. My sister in law and mom just stood there looking at me, since this was basically the first time in forever they seen me cry like that.I just sat there zoning out, my sister in law stood up for and told my mom what my cousin did to me. My mom didn't say anything. My sister in law went on to say that my cousin shouldn't have done that since I lost my cousin I grew up with. After that my sister in law said I could stay with her. I felt like burden since she was pregnant and could give birth any minute now. But I stayed with her since I didn't know what to do. The next day we went back to the stairs, I stayed on the car since it was close to wifi and I felt like I was gonna have a breakdown. My dad had called me while I was sitting on the car, I told him what happen I couldn't even get through half of it without crying. He told it's going to be okay and to just let it all out, we then talked for bit and I felt better after the call. I went to go see how my sister in law was doing she was tired so went back to her place. She gave birth the next day I was so excited for her , that I forgot what happened with my cousin. But later on my mom pulled me aside and asked what I was gunna do, I told her that I would just move in with my dad. So I did and ever since I did I felt like I have been getting better, but apart of me thinks I should have just talked to my cousin how I was feeling, and what she did upset me, it's just I feel awkward and feel like seeking attention when talking about my feelings. And I feel kind of childish for ignoring her... ever since I moved out I went low contact with her and her husband.
So AITA for not talking to my cousin?

I don’t like anime that sound like they're written by 13-year-olds; they make me cringe.
This is the one I started with: - Death Note
Things I don't like in anime:

• Power fantasy (the anime has to have a story aside from making a harem and gaining 100 levels per kill).
• Very friendly, always-be-good, don't-do-anything-bad MCs. For example: (I respect everyone's taste, so don't be offended) One Piece, Reincarnated as a Slime (the story was good), Demon Slayer, SAO (it was terrible). A great example of an MC I liked (in this category) is FFF Class Trash Hero.
• Harem for no reason (the whole plot is to build the biggest harem possible while working towards the nonexistent demon lord).
• Femdom (“I gotta do whatever I can for my mistress”).
• High plot armor. I don’t want to know what would happen if a weeaboo suddenly gets a ripped body with black hair, red eyes, and infinite power which he uses to find lost cats and free slaves.

These are the ones I liked:

• KonoSuba
• Higurashi When They Cry
• Another
• Stein's Gate
• Code Geass
• Death Note

Things I like:

• Isekai
• MC aged 15+ (don't like 13-year-olds, black hair, red eyes MCs)
• Comedy
• Normal MC (like Kazuma)
• Realistic story (come on, if a person who was lazy, stupid, not hardworking got reincarnated or had some twist in life, I don't think they would suddenly change and become a giga-chad working 25 hours a day, planning one year ahead of life; it's unrealistic. Like Kazuma, they would look for joy and explore their desires while living a peaceful and wealthy life. People who gain power will likely seek more comfort if they didn't attain the power through hard work; they won't work hard to improve it).

So a few weeks ago I got ill, nothing too serious, probably just some bad sushi, or something I left in the fridge too long. Anyway my body decides - as they are prone to do - that firing out both ends for a while is the best solution. After a few hours of trying to stay hydrated through this, getting lightheaded etc. I start to notice blood in the vom. Now, I've had that before a few times, but combined with the lightheadedness when I've had seizures before I decide it's "oh fuck" time.
Now, I live down the road from the hospital, like if I take an evening stroll I'll walk past it. Still decide I'm probably not going to make it on foot without something bad happening so call the ambulance. I've called a fair few in my time and not once have I ever heard the operator say "On their way, lights and sirens." Anyway, they monitor me overnight, discharge in the morning, but say they want me in for a gastroscopy (camera down the throat to check things out) as an outpatient. No worries, I've had one before. Couple of weeks later they book me in. Because it's a general anesthetic I need someone to pick me up. I figure I've got a friend who works at the hospital, see if she can do it. She's busy at her other hospital. I don't want to drag someone 40 minutes each way so I have to stay overnight. Whatever.
Well they do the procedure and the doc comes to talk to me, basically says my throat was so fucked they couldn't actually see anything, but they managed a biopsy. Have to go on a course of meds for 8 weeks and come back to try again. Here's the kicker though, the thing that was making it fucked is apparently a serious indicatocause of, well you know the Atlantic? It's a big sea right.
So here's me living alone, no family to talk to, all my friends prepping for a wedding so I can't talk to them and risk having this hanging over the whole shindig, trying to handle that news along with job applications and interviews, driving my autism up the wall. Then I get told I have an apartment inspection in a week so I'm stressing about getting the apartment ready. Anyway with all that I forgot to eat for a couple of days which laid me up for a few days which isn't fun. Finally managed to get out of the apartment today and get something to eat - not much mind you - and do some cleaning for the inspection on Tuesday. The follow up appointment from the second procedure is about a week before the stag do and two before the wedding so I'm just hoping it's either good news or I can hold it together and not fuck things up for my mates.
Anyway, I know that's a bit of a ramble, but I figured you all might like to know that even through all this I'm not drinking. There's absolutely no good that can come of it, so I'm still here with you all.

I stumbled upon GZCLP as I searched through many online powerlifting programs hoping to find one that would end my plateau. GZCLP has helped me end that plateau, as well as increasing many of my prs while also still being ripped!

My training background before GZCLP

I had originally lifted for a year and a few months before stumbling onto GZCLP. I was around 69kgs, split was push pull legs and my physique was pretty nice, but I definitely felt like I needed to bulk more and put on some weight. My previous prs were:
Squat: 130kgs (287 pounds)
Bench: 97.5kgs (215 pounds)
Deadlift: 140kgs (308 pounds)

Current Stats, Diet, and GZCLP Routine

My current stats are 16 years old at 5'6 tall, 74 kgs. My routine was a bit weird at the start as I was still getting used to everything and also I felt like there were some stuff I needed to change, however my final routine had me do everything the same, except for OHP, which I switched out for any shoulder work ( I didn't care about OHP). I ran GZCLP 4 days a week, however I never failed any of my lifts, even until week 9. Oh yea, I could only run 9 weeks as I was going to be away for the next few weeks and thus 9 weeks was the most I could run it for. I never really cared or checked on my diet, I just knew I had to eat a lot to gain more. Since I am also still a teenager, I should be eating a lot so a day consisted of me just eating many snacks and fruits throughout the day apart from the three meals, as well as drinking a lot, like 3-4 cups, of milk per day.
Final stats:
Squat: 145kgs (320 pounds)
Bench: 110kgs (242 pounds)
Deadlift: 165kgs (363 pounds)
I am very proud of my results, especially with only 9 weeks. However there were some things I felt like I could've done better. Of course if I had more weeks I would've extended the length of my program, especially since I didn't hit past failure for any of my lifts. I also feel like T2's were getting way more tiring and harder compared to T1s in the later weeks with more weight, could I exchange them out for other similar lifts? I had used the same SBD lifts for T2, and I think if I changed them to a different lift it would be much easier on my body, as I would feel so much more tired after T2s in the heavier weeks. I also didn't do OHP at all, so maybe I could've swapped it out with something more productive compared to random shoulder lifts???
Moving forward, I reckon I will continue with GZCLP (unless I find another program), but I have some questions. I still want to keep it 4 days but I want to know what I can do instead of any OHP work? Can someone help me on that? Also could I potentially start doing T3's for hypertrophy work, so maybe like 4 or 3 sets of 8 reps, with a weight that is not too light but definitely doable? Thanks in advance!
Overall, GZCLP has definitely taken my gym journey to a whole new level! I loved doing it and hoping will still continue on with it :)) Also thanks to everyone that helped me get onto this journey, I remember at the start where I made a post and a lot of yall helped me start this journey

Hello all!! New to this community, really tried to make a go of breast feeding but due to latch issues made the decision to move to formula feeding recently. I have a lot of mum guilt as I only BF for 2 weeks before I had to throw in the towel, but I had to for the sake of my mental health as it was making me feel very depressed due to issues I experienced with it.
Our friends have kindly said that they will lend use their baby brezza (the prep machine which does everything automatically), but they’re away at the moment so we’re using pre prepped bottles for the time being.
The pre prepped bottles are adding up in cost and we’re wasting a lot as the LO is very inconsistent with the amount that they want to eat (they’re only 3 weeks old), so we realise that we likely need to use powder while we’re waiting for the baby brezza.
Prepping formula is definitely one of the big topics in my life st the moment, but also another topic that’s stirring anxiety is flying with a formula fed baby.
I have a few questions on this I’m hoping UK folk (or others too :) can please help with. No need to answer all, any help with any of the questions would be much appreciated!!

1. Uk guidelines are to use 1litre FRESH water from the tap (I. E. Not reboiled water) and boil it, then wait 30 min so that the temp reduces to 70 degrees c. I think this is so that the water is sterilised at 100 degrees c and then cooled to 70 degrees c as this temp won’t destroy the vitamins in the powdered formula. Question here is, how on earth can you make it work feeding your child if you have to take 30 mins to prep their food each time???
   
2. I believe prep machines only heat the water to 70 degrees, if so could I just use my kettle which I can set to heat to 70 degrees? Doesnt this not follow NHS guidance because it’s not going to 100 degrees?
   
3. The flasks that rapid cool the formula have you using boiled water, doesn’t this also not follow NHS guidance as the 100 degrees c temp will ruin vitamins in the formula?
   
4. We’re trying to get our baby used to Aptamil (the standard version) as there are the pre-prepped bottles and the powder seems to be readily available everywhere. So far it seems there is a transition period for his body getting used to it, but I worry it may not be suitable for him (he has a bit of a rash on his face, very minor, and he is realllllly gassy and when he does a poo every time it seems to be quite a bit of effort. It’s quite runny when he does poo and he’s now going less often. Starting to be less liquidy now though). Question here is what point is it clear that the formula just doesn’t agree with him?
   
5. We’re going on holiday to Italy later this year when he will be about 4 months old. Are there any tips you can share on travelling with a formula fed baby (I e. How to bring formula through security, what equipment is a must to bring (sterilising etc), whether we would bring enough formula for whole week or whether we can purchase formula abroad?)? We’re trying him on aptamil which has pre prepped formula which would be simpler to travel with, but if we do need to switch him to a more specialised formula which doesn’t have ready made options it would be helpful to have tips on this.
   

Sorry for the lengthy post!! So many questions. Thank you.!!!

hey!
here’s what I look like
I’m in the midwest, in the middle of my phd, using the sacred few hours of sleep I got to scroll reddit while binging on the trashiest reality TV and early 00s MTV music videos
tbh, since moving here I’ve been aching to meet people that aren’t related to my professional or academic sphere, and rarely got the time to do much outside the lab, so, here I am, it seems meeting people online could be good bet :o
some random trivia

• my work is on machine learning and proteins
• love running and cycling, pretty much any heavy cardio activity
• love playing soccer but suck at it
• love signing but suck at it
• love drawing but suck at it
• I only sing in spanish, because I got a thiccc accent and feel a bit self-conscious singing in english
• expert in early 00s shitty pop music
• best disney movie is ratatouille
• most overrated disney movie is up
• love dancing cumbia and bachata… and actually do not suck at it! lmao
• can move my ears on command
• have lived in 4 countries, 6 cities, 2 continents
• I’m trying to get into video games. help? I have a swtich, xbox, and pc
• not a fan of scifi or fantasy :(
• once got jump-scared by a possum while riding my bike
• knows two and a half languages
• love crafts (specially origami) and playing the accordion

here are two truths and a lie

• I was personally invited to a fancy rooftop party by a google hotshot, but bailed on it
• a mexican bill saved my life while I was stranded in serbia
• I was suspended from middle school for burning a whiteboard with body spray and a lighter

If you're interested in talking, send me a line about yourself!

hey!
here’s what I look like
I’m in the midwest, in the middle of my phd, using the sacred few hours of sleep I got to scroll reddit while binging on the trashiest reality TV and early 00s MTV music videos
tbh, since moving here I’ve been aching to meet people that aren’t related to my professional or academic sphere, and rarely got the time to do much outside the lab, so, here I am, it seems meeting people online could be good bet :o
some random trivia

• my work is on machine learning and proteins
• love running and cycling, pretty much any heavy cardio activity
• love playing soccer but suck at it
• love signing but suck at it
• love drawing but suck at it
• I only sing in spanish, because I got a thiccc accent and feel a bit self-conscious singing in english
• expert in early 00s shitty pop music
• best disney movie is ratatouille
• most overrated disney movie is up
• love dancing cumbia and bachata… and actually do not suck at it! lmao
• can move my ears on command
• have lived in 4 countries, 6 cities, 2 continents
• I’m trying to get into video games. help? I have a swtich, xbox, and pc
• not a fan of scifi or fantasy :(
• once got jump-scared by a possum while riding my bike
• knows two and a half languages
• love crafts (specially origami) and playing the accordion

here are two truths and a lie

• I was personally invited to a fancy rooftop party by a google hotshot, but bailed on it
• a mexican bill saved my life while I was stranded in serbia
• I was suspended from middle school for burning a whiteboard with body spray and a lighter

If you're interested in talking, send me a line about yourself!

So this post is gonna be longer and a bit more put together than my last post. I'm taking notes as I watch. I'm also following the Netflix season list so this will be me follow season 3.
Also, like before I am doing my best to stay spoiler free. I'm not looking up spellings as well so if I misspell something, oh well.

1. Naruto and pervy Santa's relationship is pretty weird man. Like my dude is lusting after a teenage boy who can transform in a woman. The whole "I'm an old, super powerful person but I act like a perv and a weirdo while I train the next generation." Is kinda over done. (Though this show is a bit old.)
   
2. Does Gaara have a demon like Naruto? Cause that would neat.
   
3. "Lee's injuries were too serious and he can no longer be a shinobi." If they think I would believe that, they can geeeeeeet fuuucked. No body puts Lee in a corner.
   
4. Is that what the 4th Hokage looks like? I swear to God if this mofo turns out to be Naruto's dad I will flip a table. That is waaay to cliche. At most I will accept a big brother, cause big brothers can be dicks. Like who puts a demon in a baby? Big brothers, that's who.
   
5. Ok Giant frog is absolutely the best thing in this show.
   
   1. I loved the scene between Naruto and shorti Hinata. So dang cute. I hope Naruto realizes that she wants to jump his bones eventually.
   2. Naruto vs Neji. Is it bad that I want Neji to win? Dude is so cool and it absolutely sucks how he was raised to be a bodyguard for Hinata and lost all choice in his life. #JusticeforNeji. Ok, my boy Neji got justice. I feel better now.
6. Kiba, Hinata and Ant-man's traineteacher lady is hot AF.
   
7. Again my girl with her fan. Shit gets me everytime. Riding in on it like the silver surfer. lol I think she is my favorite so far.
   
8. I think I've been sleeping on ol mate Shikamaru, dude is, as the kids would say, based. The music during their fight had me bopping. "Geez, I envy a cloud being so free..." -Shikamaru. Ok this dude is my new favorite so far.
   

I think since my post is getting long ill leave it here and do another part later. I would love to answer questions
Edit: Some spellings. Also, adding this was Eps 1-12 notes.
Stay fresh Cheese bags.

53M. HA in Feb 2024 100%+90% blockages in both the arteries. 2 stents.
I used to feel heavy breathing, stomach muscles cramps and a lump building in my throat (the kind you feel when you are very emotional and have an urge to cry) when I was feeling very weak earlier. That feeling left me after that for a while.
Recently I caught flu, with sneezing and body ache, and the heavy breathing and the feeling like I have a lump in my throat came back. I feel ok while eating or sleeping or right after I wake up but the feeling builds up after a while. Sometimes I gasp for air and have a feeling that I cannot breathe. I talked to my cardiologist about it and he says everything is ok with me. I have the same feeling when I talk a bit more in a particular day; I get breathless and have difficulty breathing.
Anybody else feels/felt the same way anytime? When the body is weak after HA, have you ever felt breathing heaviness, chocking in throat, etc.? Will be great if you can share please.
Thanks,

My friend (26 f) and her fiance (47-50? Not sure M) have been having a lot of relationship issues. She never really sees her friends and it feels a lot like he doesnt want her to have friends, hes pretty useless, probably changed 3 poopy diapers in the span of 2 years and 3 months. He is quite manipulative and standoffish. But im not saying my friend does not have flaws of her own, they obviously have a lot of resentment towards eachother.
On Thursday I went to her house as I havent seen her or bub in months and we had a glass of wine, i am usually good for two glasses and able to drive but her expensive wine was too much for my body and I realised I couldnt drive home after one drink. So she offered for me to sleep over, I have been meaning to do this anyway so that I can learn her buns night routine so i can babysit for her if needed. I said okay because I had work the next morning and wasnt able to afford the 45 minute uber home and back in the morning to get my car. So in the end we decided to just finish the bottle. We were tipsy/semi drunk, i remember the whole night as I am not a light weight, where as she is very skinny and was on her way to drunk but not quite there.
We mainly played with bub (fiance wasnt home until 7pm) and throughout the night we sat downstairs and caught up and chatted. Her bub woke up screaming at about 11:30 do we went up to calm her and put her back to sleep (albiet badly as we were not sober) my friend ended up bring bub to bed with het and fiance and I was heading to bed when I realised we had accidentally switched phones. (Please know i am aware i should not have entered their room without express permission but in sullied mind i thought this is gonna take legit 10 seconds to switch our phone) mine was on her bedside table so, in order not to just randomly walk into theor room i told fiance im just coming in quickly to switch our phones, i placed hers on her charging pad on the bedside table where mine previously was. And crept back out (because bub was in bed sleeping and friend was downstairs doing something idk) then i went to bed.
Got up at 5:30 the next day and left for home and went to work. She was messaging me saying fiance was really mad and was stating I slammed into the room and threw her phone at him being really loud. I doubted myself for a second but thought no, because I remember the whole night, and even if i was black out drunk the worst i would ever do is stumble and maybe talk a little louder then i thoight i was.
I told her to apologise to fiance for me in the case i was loud by accident and for entering the room withoit explicit permission.
On Saturday i had a mutal friend of ours over to play a ages 5 and up riddle game and drink (no way we are gonna be able to do a normal mystery solving game whilst drinking lmao) and we had invited my friend too. She said she really wanted to come but didnt want to upset fiance. We said that in any relationship, why would wanting to spend a night with your friends ve something that would upset him. Its as if he is feeling like having to take care of their child alone, one time, was a huge burden for him, keep in mind she does everything for bub, usually without help.
She said she wanted to come and he responded by saying "fine if you want to leave then im leaving" got dressed and went out to the pub with his mates, leaving her by herself with the bub. So me and other friend said to just cone iver and bring bubba with her, so she did.
Important to know, she takes her ring off at night because its uncomfortable for her to sleep in, he knows this, and it has never been an issue, she had already taken her ring off to bath bub and put her to bed so when she came over she wasnt wearing it. Was a simple mistake. He became irate with her and advised over text that they were done and that she has to move in with her mum and take baby with her. She was obviously very upset but didnt want to reply whilst angry without thinking it through first and he was spam messaging her saying hes packing her stuff and bubs stuff and she has to get out.
Shes now at my house, because her mum and other friend lives over an hour away from bubs daycare. But I absolutely am so happy she and bub is here and safe with me. I would have always offered anyway regardless of distance.
But I am exhausted and she is exhausted and I dont know what to do to help. I am also not used to having a toddler around at all. I am disabled and so I have limitations for caring for a toddler for an extended period of time. She is doing everything herself but i dont want to just sit on the couch while she does everything (unpacking the random assortment of things she needed and stuffed into bags in a hurry and taking care of bub) so i am extremely run down and its been less then 24 hours.
I am not suggesting nor do I want them to leave in any aspect. I was just wondering if anyone has advise.
Fiance also cut off her card, which obviously she uses to buy things for bub and herself to live. I dont make very much money so cannot contribute unfortunately. He said extremely upsetting things like he is not going to pay for her schooling and will send a miniscule amount per month (he is very wealthy and practically convinced friend to be a stay at home mum with no form of income) I said to her that thisnis finacial abuse and if this is serious and sticks then she has a right to an amount that keeps bub in the same level of living conditions she was in whilst together. I dont really want them to get back together to be honest, everyone wants them to split. But this isnthe opposite of the way to do it. And he has money to get a fancy lawyer in the case this goes to family court, whereas she does not.
I am scared that the situation is traumatic for bub and I dont know what I can do to make things better.
This is barely scraping the surface but any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you.