It seems that as soon as I step away from the ultralight build, I just get destroyed. Which makes sense, I suppose, as avoiding dmg in the first place is better than a beefier AP bar…? How do you actually play the story mode with a heavier build?

Hey guys, I'm hosting a producing a comedy show called Pour Up Comedy, in Mitte. The comedians on the line up are doing longer sets. Show runs for 2 hours max. The show will take place at Galerie & Bar Tor218 Artlab, a nice place for comedy and drinks
You can grab tickets via Eventbrite: https://pourupcomedy1805.eventbrite.de/?aff=red

Moin aus Hamburg! Ich habe bald ein Date in der mit-schönsten Hanstestadt Lübeck und kenne mich leider gar nicht dort aus. Habt ihr Empfehlungen an Orten die man besuchen kann an einem schönen Sommertag? Bspw Spaziergang, dann Restaurant oder Bar. Gesucht sind eher mittelpreisige Lokalitäten (wir sind Mitte 20) 🤞🏻
Ich danke euch im Voraus!
M

Hallo zusammen,
ich werde im Juni nach Köln ziehen und würde gerne wissen, wie lebenswert der Stadtteil Mülheim ist. Die Lage wäre praktisch für meinen Arbeitsweg.
Zu mir: Ich bin Mitte 20, gehe gerne aus und feiere, verbringe Zeit in der Natur, besuche gerne Cafés und Bars und hätte gerne einen guten Zugang zu einem Fitnessstudio.

1. Wie einfach ist es, an einem Freitagabend ins Stadtzentrum und ins Nachtleben zu gelangen (und zurück)?
2. Wie ist die allgemeine Stimmung in Mülheim? Ist es ein junger und hipper Stadtteil, eher eine ruhige Wohngegend oder tatsächlich arm und heruntergekommen, wie man manchmal hört?
3. Welche Dinge sollte ich in Mülheim beachten oder welche Tipps könnt ihr mir geben?
4. Gibt es andere Stadtteile in Köln, die ihr empfehlen könnt, wo man in seiner Freizeit gut etwas unternehmen kann?
5. wie ist der Nahverkehr in Mülheim (und Köln allgemein) sind die öffis zuverlässig oder sollte ich mich möglichst nach einem Auto erkundigen? Oder Fahrrad? Oder doch lieber E-Roller ?
6. Habt ihr Cafés, Clubs, Bars die ihr empfehlen könnt?

Ich freue mich auf eure Tipps und Empfehlungen!
Liebe Grüße!

Hello all, looking to get some opinions on a bag idea for hunting season. Please read description as it is rather...niche: Back-story: Living in Northern Canada boral forest region. My father and myself try to make a bonding adventure of going hunting together. We are not hunting big game but rather grouse (ground chicken) or rabbits. [We are either shooting guns or shooting with cameras, it depends on our moods. Like I said, more of a bonding adventure] Due to shooting restrictions and game habitat we normally have to drive about 200kms to reach a good area for shooting... if we had the perfect storm scenario say (locked/lost keys to truck, become disorientated in the deep brush, and one of us become injured) and we had to wait for help to come, up to 2 days wait. Would this be a reasonable bag to rely on?
Contents of camera back pack • Canon rebel t7 w/ 18-55mm attached • 250 or 300mm lens in bag • Spare batteries and wall charger • Spare SD card • Monopod? • Rain poncho (doubles as tarp) • Light cordage (25 to 50') • Small first aid kit (micro sizw with ABD pad and tourniquet) • 1l water • 3x Electro drink mix • Jetboil system personal size w/spare bic lighter • Thermal blanket • 3-5 cliff bars or similar energy bars • Mutlitool w/ knife • Pill bottle of lint • Spare mitts and 2x neck warmers • Spare socks • Zip lock bags for chickens • Tp and hand sani
On person regularly • Phone • Wallet • Keys • Folding knife • Light Jacket (possibly extra layer wind breaker if forecasts say bad)
Relevant for post information: -The area we hunt in is deep Spruce wood/muskeg. Water in a way isn't much of a issue, no more then .5km walk in any direction. - for those who have never hunted grouse, they are a really dumb bird, easy killed and can "gut" by stepping on their wings and pulling (yes really that easy ) so food could tentatively not be an issue. -we always tell our spouses in what general area we are hunting in. Normally not to a specific road but within a 50 km2 area i suppose. - we both carry a 22lr rifle as well take a defense gun (12 gage shotgun or 30-30 rifle)

"It’ll be entertaining, informative. Like the two old guys on the Muppets." - Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) getting amped up for the Trump-Biden debates.

Quality Control

Republican dreams of recapturing the Senate are shining a little brighter today, after primaries in West Virginia and Maryland handed nominations to less-crazy-than-usual candidates.

• Republicans have a longstanding tradition of picking (how can we put this…) unfortunate candidates for key Senate races. Just think back to the doomed Georgia campaign of the, um, mercurial football star, Herschel Walker, in 2022. Or the downright goofy candidacy of Dr Mehmet Oz in Pennsylvania (who can forget the time he wandered around a grocery store, on camera, as if he’d never seen one before). Even Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) is on record saying the GOP has a big problem with what he calls “candidate quality.”
  
• The GOP made no such self-defeating fumbles on Tuesday. West Virginian Republicans nominated Governor Jim Justice (R-WV) to flip the seat of departing Senator Joe Manchin (D-WV). In Maryland, they picked former Governor Larry Hogan, who will face off against Democrat Angela Alsobrooks, a county executive of Prince George’s County. Hogan is pretty well-liked among moderate voters in this blue state, making him a tough matchup for Alsobrooks, who is looking to become Maryland’s first-ever Black female senator. Dems are defending a wafer-thin 51-49 majority, and will likely have to hold Maryland in a tough fight to stay in power. And it matters who runs the Senate, especially for future Supreme Court vacancies. Things may be turning around for Money Mitch.
  
• Disgraced former President Donald Trump, however, didn’t have such a great night. He just can’t seem to outrun Nikki Haley’s zombie presidential campaign, which brought in 20 percent of the vote in Maryland and almost that much in Nebraska. As we’ve noted before, the fact that lots of GOP voters continue turning out in primaries to vote for Haley, who isn’t even running anymore, is not a good omen for Trump.
  

The persistent Haley support, months after she quit the race, suggests plenty of lingering unease among moderate Republicans about Trump. The question becomes what those voters will do in November.

Look No Further Than Crooked Media

Want to know the latest internet stories but can't seem to get past the Kendrick vs. Drake debacle? Us too! Break out of your eco-chamber with Jon Favreau on the latest episode of Crooked's subscriber exclusive show Terminally Online, where Jon asks staffers around the office about their most recent internet rabbit-holes. To hear this exclusive series, join our Friends of the Pod community at https://crooked.com/friends or subscribe to Crooked’s Friends of the Pod on Apple Podcasts.

Under The Radar

A very spooky new CBS News investigation found nearly 80 election deniers are working across key battleground states in important election oversight positions. Cool! Love that!
So there are folks in charge of running elections in places like Nevada that either don’t believe the 2020 election results, pushed election conspiracies, refused to certify past results or publicly supported the January 6th insurrection. One can only imagine what people like this would do if Trump or other MAGA Republicans lose their races come November. (Spoiler: they might try to deny!)

What Else?

The old boys have decided to duke it out face-to-face once again. The Biden v. Trump debate showdown is confirmed, at least for now, for June 27 on CNN. They even agreed to meet again on September 10. Both candidates had scoffed at participating in the traditional schedule from the Commission on Presidential Debates, and have now opted in to at least two network events. RFK Jr. said he feels excluded. Poor thing. Must be tough! We are surely in for a respectful classy healthy debate amongst gentlemen, right?
The publicity around Trump’s criminal trial led a majority of Americans (52%) to believe, for the first time, that he did falsify business records, according to a new poll, endorsing prosecutors’ key charge against him. The big question now: will the jury agree? Also, how is this guy ahead in the polls???
The number of abortions in the U.S. actually grew during the 18 months after the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, according to a report by the Society for Family Planning. A major factor: telehealth visits, which are now responsible for 19% of all abortions in the U.S., compared to 4% in mid-2022. Research has found telehealth abortions are as safe and effective as in-person visits.
Oligarchy alert: just 50 American billionaire families have dumped over $600 million into the 2024 election, according to a new report by the progressive nonprofit Americans for Tax Fairness. Almost 70% of those contributions went to (you guessed it) conservative candidates and causes. C’mon, rich folks, shouldn’t you spend that dough on a new set of polo ponies or something? Dressage horses? Whatever freaky stuff you guys like.
Slovakian Prime Minister Robert Fico remains in critical condition after he was shot multiple times in what officials are calling an apparent political assassination attempt. The 59-year-old pro-Russian leader was shot in the abdomen and is still in the hospital.
A jury has been sworn in for the bribery trial of Senator Bob Menendez (D-NJ). A prosecutor told the court on Wednesday that Menendez “put his power up for sale.” A defense attorney countered that Menendez was “not as an agent of the Egyptian government,” took no bribes, and is “an American patriot.” Then a bunch of gold bars fell out of Menedez’s pockets.
Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) scorched his fellow Republicans for “prostrating themselves” outside Trump’s hush money trial in Manhattan this week. Romney said: “I think it’s a little demeaning to show up in front of the courthouse — and particularly one where we’re talking about an allegation of paying a porn star. And it’s really, really very difficult to watch.”

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Light At The End Of The Email

The Supreme Court ordered Louisiana to use a congressional map drawn with an additional majority Black district in this upcoming election, stomping out a lower court ruling that called the map an illegal racist gerrymander. This is good news for Democrats hoping to gain control of the House in November. And we need all the good news we can get these days.
Inflation eased for the first time in 2024, in good news for consumers and the economy. Stocks closed at a record high.
The number of drug overdose deaths in the U.S. fell 3% last year, marking the first annual decline since 2018.

Enjoy

Allium on Twitter: "i wish the orcas knew how many of us were rooting for them"

Hello all,
Weekend warrior here, I know it’s recommended to polish after using a traditional clay bar on the car before adding wax/sealants, but if you use a synthetic clay bar, (Adam’s clay mitt/mothers speed 2.0/griots synthetic clay) can you get away with skipping the polish step and go straight to waxing after? What about a combination of Iron remover / synthetic clay? TIA!

Edit:
I'm at the table, it is DOWNSTAIRS opposite of the bar, just ask the staff about the Reddit Meetup and they will point the way. If we run out of seats, they will open up another room with a huge screen for us.
I'm the white guy with the slight sunburn, rocking a goatee mustache combo, white-gray shirt, jeans.
We do have a little sign standing up on the table!
Come find me!
Excited for what's surely gonna be the beginning of a Norris domination era at Imola? Welcome to the European block of the Formula 1 season!
Like last time, we're meeting up at Belushi's. There is no entry fee, but you can grab a beer or food at the bar.
Belushi's Berlin (Mitte)
Ziegelstraße 28
10117 Berlin
https://g.co/kgs/8ttCypK
The Grand Prix is this sunday, May 19. Lights out and away we go at 3:00 PM!
I'll be there from about 2pm onward, so an hour before race start. This way we can chat a bit and watch the race buildup and the grid walk if you like.
I have talked to the bar team last week and they reserved a 4 person table for every race for now with the possibility to expand as we grow. It's probably best if you ask the barkeep about the F1 Reddit group, as I'm not sure any sign will be put up on or near the table and have no clue which table we're getting exactly.
Once we can get into the double digits reliably, they can possibly, on some weekends, open up a separate room just for us with a big projector and better sound with no background noise from the other people.
For any questions, hit up the comments. Hope to see you guys there!
Edit:
I'm at the table! If we run out of seats, they will open up another room with a huge screen for us.
I'm the white guy with the slight sunburn, rocking a goatee mustache combo, white shirt, jeans.
We do have a little sign standing up on the table, will post a picture in just a moment!

Jason Alexander Coyle was dead… Again. Gods’ above this was such an inconvenience. And he hadn’t even managed to go out in some cool display of power and glory. Nooooo, he had died to a MOTHER… F***ING… DEMI-HUMAN. A GODS’ DAMNED GOBLIN of all things. The sheer audacity of it caused him to wallow in shame and seethe in rage. He closed his eyes and once more replayed the events leading up to his downfall. The disgusting little thing hadn’t even had the decency to best him in combat. No, that vile puss skinned whelp had played dead, then stabbed Jason in the back once the battle was over.

Grarothian Powder. Clever little shit. Cover yourself in that stuff and all Jason’s magically enhanced senses meant nothing. He should have known better. I mean, if no one could sense your vitals, what difference was there really between you and just another corpse littering the battlefield? How hadn’t he thought of something so simple? How had he been outsmarted by a goblin?!

The powder was a common enough anti magical tool in that world. A light layer was often applied to armor and weapons as a means to disperse the effects of magic. Strong enough to save you from an otherwise lethal direct hit of a lesser spell, it was more often more useful as a protection from splash effects of a fireball or other large area of effect spells. A nasty sunburn or a few bruised ribs tends to be more acceptable than third-degree burns or being impaled when your mate got turned into a dystopian bit of shrubbery or an ice sculpture. The problem is that once it does its job, the stuff crumbles away. So, most soldiers had taken to carrying around pouches of the stuff, reapplying it before making any mad dashes towards enemy spell casters.

It had been a work of absolute genius, or more likely dumb luck, that the creature had been coated in the stuff. Jason was hard pressed to believe that a sub sapient mongrel was smart enough to come up with such an elaborate plan. He further suspected luck, given that even wild animals knew to avoid heavy direct contact with the stuff, much less to risk ingesting it. Doing so caused a fast-acting cancer to take hold. He’d once had the unfortunate experience of seeing a street mutt be pelted with a full pouch of the stuff. Covered the dog in a heavy bit of powder, but also coated the food the pup had been feasting on. Poor bastard had been found dead the next morning. Apparently, it had developed multiple melon sized tumors in the twelve or so hours between when Jason had last seen it, and its body being found.

Then there was the matter of how the goblin had somehow managed to get its grubby little mitts on a Dathon Disrupter blade. Jason had little doubt the weapon was looted from one of the fallen kingdom soldiers. The maggot’s simplistic animal-like brain must have been captivated by how sparkly the blade was. If he understood goblins even half as well as he thought, the stupid little thing was probably straining its brain to understand that the thing it had picked up was both shiny, AND sharp. “Shiny made it valuable, and anything sharp was good for stabbing.” That was the extent of how deep the goblin's thinking went, Jason was sure.

Sure, if he had noticed the creature, the blade would have been useless against his omnidirectional invincibility. He’d seen much finer weapons shatter when they came into contact with his protective abilities. BUT, despite what people might think, all those superhuman protections had a stifling cost. And what kind of insane fool bothered to keep invincibility turned on when everyone who was anyone of importance in the area was deader than a doornail.

He could still remember the metallic iron taste in the back of his throat as his lungs had filled with blood. He’d of course tried to heal himself, but the disruptor had done its job. Jason’s ability to cast magic had been rendered entirely useless, the arcane energies coming apart as he tried to weave them into even the simplest of spells. The only small justice he could find in the situation was that the assailant had botched their landing. He could only assume the beast had thought the surprise would paralyze him, while he drowned in his own fluids. If that had been the first or even fifth time he’d died, the little monster would have been correct. The realization that you are dying, and there’s nothing you can do about it, was a hell of a thing to cope with. Lucky for Jason, you kind of got ‘better’ at handling the whole impending demise thing, after you’d faced death a dozen times.

The time bought from NOT having your life flash before your eyes, had given him just enough of an opportunity to land a heavy haymaker against the goblin. It wasn’t the cleanest of blows, but it still brought a smile to his face remembering the feeling of the creature’s bones breaking under his empowered fist. He wasn’t sure if it had been enough to kill the thing, but he did know that if it didn’t kill the goblin, it had at least permanently crippled the right side of the beast. Watching the goblin crumple, then begin to twitch, had been the best sight he could imagine as his world faded to blackness.

When he next opened his eyes, he was sitting in his usual seat within the Agency. The room was sparsely decorated, he’d never really seen the point in investing in decorations for a place that held such... complex, emotional significance. Much less a place that he did his best to spend as little time in as possible. Jason was a bit annoyed that his handler wasn’t present to greet him, but then she was never good at doing her job. Sighing, he leaned back in the chair and waited, he knew that she had been paged when he arrived, and he also knew the door wouldn’t open until he had submitted his mission summary.

Ruby had of course lost her metaphorical shit when Jason arrived back at the Agency. The bloody lush had laughed herself into a mini coma when she learned that a lowly goblin, using a glorified butter knife, had been the thing to bring Jason down. Gods, he hated her, no matter when he ran into her, she always reeked like she’d just gotten done bathing in a pool of liquor. He was still not really sure WHERE or HOW she got her hands on Earth booze. Plucking a soul from Earth was troublesome enough, but trying to get physical objects from the place? That was far beyond even Ruby’s power. He did know for a fact that it was Earth liquor, and not some kind of divine proximity, since he’d yet to find a single bar in the entirety of the Agency. Hell, he’d yet to find another being that even understood what alcohol was.

After recovering enough that she could breathe without wheezing, Ruby had gone ahead and made sure that the contract hadn’t been refunded due to Jason’s untimely demise. As luck would have it, it did appear that he had fulfilled just enough of the order so that the client could still be charged for services rendered. Which meant that Jason got his commission, a fair bit smaller than he would have liked after all the fees, but that was the cost one paid to subvert the usual limitations of a mortal body. Not that it mattered, that last job had finally put him over the top. After dozens upon dozens of quests, Jason had finally managed to scrape together enough to buy what he’d been lusting after since he first woke up in this shithole.

A mad smile curled on his lips, as he opened up the shop screen. Navigating through dozens of pages of bog-standard contracts, an asinine level of ads for luxury services, and more high-class cuisine than he could eat in a thousand thousand lifetimes, he finally found the loose thread he had been looking for. Dragging his finger along the lower left-hand side of the screen, he made a series of increasingly complex designs. With a click the screen faded away to a new darker overlay. Moving quickly, he bought the token he was looking for and slipped out of the system.

He’d stumbled across the dark site ages ago, while killing time between missions. The prices were exorbitant if not outright extortive in nature. But it did give one access to certain... choices that would not have otherwise been accessible via the normal shop. It was why Jason had bought the system admin privileges, he needed to access the real good shit. Sure, the base shop allowed agents to pick their own assignments, but the good missions, well those could only be accessed by the admin staff AKA handlers.

The biggest issue was that management did not take too kindly to their staff’s access codes being used by unauthorized individuals. This meant that Jason only had a limited amount of time to peruse the catalog before the system would kick him out and block that access code from being used again. He’d had to burn through three different sets of privileges before he found what he was looking for. A modifiable mission token for an honest to goodness Isekai.

The fact that Isekai were even a real thing, had thrown Jason for a bit of a loop. Well, perhaps more the fact that he had died in a tragic way that even the gods couldn’t seem to explain, and all he’d gotten for his trouble was a small “sign on bonus''. Not that he was complaining too much, the limited New Game+ skill had proven useful in more than one mission. But apparently, some people got a date with Truck-kun and suddenly they are given an entire freaking wish fulfillment fantasy. He would have pissed and moaned to upper management but thought better of it when he remembered that he only knew what he knew by using exploits within the system. There had been rumors about what happened to those who had their access codes stolen, it was not pleasant, and he didn’t want to imagine what would happen if people found out who had been using those stolen codes.

As Ruby droned on and on about whatever it was that drunk was talking about. Jason began calibrating the token to his specifications. The basic token itself had drained an exceedingly large amount of his credits, Isekai missions were... difficult to get a hold of, even for handlers, but it was the add-ons that were really going to strain his budget. He tapped through the various options. It wouldn’t be a proper Isekai without the deluxe harem package.

[click]

After the cluster fuck that was his last mission, he decided to take things on easy mode for his wish fulfillment. It was insanely costly, but the entire Divine Protection suite made him resistant if not straight up immune to every offensive ability that could reasonably be thrown at him.

[click]

Can’t live out your hero fantasy dreams without having to crush a Demon Lord.

[click]

He had deeply enjoyed the incarnations where he had had access to magic. But he couldn’t for the life of him seem to decide what to specialize in. Hemming and hawing for a bit, he finally decided to just splurge and get a little bit of everything. It would give him maximum versatility without over committing one way or another.

[click]

It stands to reason that a proper Demon Lord should be able to bypass divine protections, and might be resistant to magic, so it is probably best to fortify one’s body and boost the crap out of one’s stats.

[click] [click]

Not really looking forward to having to do the whole baby with the mind of an adult trope. He decides to just spawn in with his body already at its apex. He never really understood why the grown ass adults in the shows and manga always seemed to end up as some kid. Like yeah, wish fulfillment for young readers/watchers, but a guy in his twenties is going to wipe the floor with some punk ass sixteen-year-old. Whatever, it didn’t really matter; to each their own he guessed.

[click]

Jason looked at his credit balance; it was painfully low, but he shrugged it off. All he needed to do was complete the mission to get it back to a respectable level. He looked at the payout for completing the mission. It wasn’t impressive, Isekai almost never paid more than a pittance, but it should be enough to tide him over once he’d had his fun and squeezed every drop of wish fulfillment out of whatever backwater world, he ended up in.

Jason’s attention was pulled from the status screen by the sound of a large *CLUNK*. Looking over he saw that Ruby had apparently finally grown bored with her one-sided conversation. To combat this boredom, she had pulled out an entire mothering fucking hogshead of whiskey. From her pocket dimension, she pulls out two crystal glasses and fills both glasses with a hefty amount of liquor. She sets one down in front of herself and puts the other one in front of Jason.

“Drink”

“Thanks, but no thanks, I’m not inclined to degr....”

“I said, DRINK!” Ruby says again, her eyes filled with rage. Her words reinforced with magical power, compel Jason to take a large gulp of the auburn liquid. He’s amazed at the rich flavor of the whiskey. The rich honey notes give the drink a sublime sweetness, without overshadowing the subtle dried red fruit. The decades of barrel aging have left the drink smoother than silk. The vague hints of oak and cinnamon leave him wanting more. Time seems to melt away as he is compelled to have ‘just another sip’... ‘Maybe just a finger’s worth more’... ‘What’s one more drink for the road?’. The world around him seeps away, as he is lost in the complex rich flavors of Ruby’s private stash.

When he next wakes, he’s once more found himself in the Void.

Next>

Jason Alexander Coyle was dead… Again. Gods’ above this was such an inconvenience. And he hadn’t even gone out in some cool display of power and glory. Nooooo, he had died to a MOTHER… F***ING… DEMI-HUMAN. A GODS’ DAMNED GOBLIN of all things. The sheer audacity of it caused him to wallow in shame and seethe in rage. He closed his eyes and once more replayed the events leading up to his downfall. The disgusting little thing hadn’t even had the decency to best him in combat. No, that vile puss skinned whelp had played dead, then stabbed Jason in the back once the battle was over.

Grarothian Powder. Clever little shit. Cover yourself in that stuff and all Jason’s magically enhanced senses meant nothing. He should have known better. I mean, if no one could sense your vitals, what difference was there really between you and just another corpse littering the battlefield? How hadn’t he thought of something so simple? How had he been outsmarted by a goblin of all things?!

The powder was a common enough anti magical tool in that world. A light layer was often applied to armor and weapons as a means to disperse the effects of magic. Strong enough to save you from an otherwise lethal direct hit of a lesser spell, it was more often more useful as a protection from splash effects of a fireball or other large area of effect spells. A nasty sunburn or a few bruised ribs tends to be more acceptable than third-degree burns or being impaled when your mate got turned into a dystopian bit of shrubbery or an ice sculpture. The problem is that once it does its job, the stuff crumbles away. So, most soldiers had taken to carrying around pouches of the stuff, reapplying it before making any mad dashes towards enemy spell casters.

It had been a work of absolute genius, or more likely dumb luck, that the creature had been coated in the stuff. Jason was hard pressed to believe that a sub sapient mongrel was smart enough to come up with such an elaborate plan. He further suspected luck, given that even wild animals knew to avoid heavy direct contact with the stuff, much less to risk ingesting it. Doing so caused a fast-acting cancer to take hold. He’d once had the unfortunate experience of seeing a street mutt be pelted with a full pouch of the stuff. Covered the dog in a heavy bit of powder, but also coated the food the pup had been feasting on. Poor bastard had been found dead the next morning. Apparently, it had developed multiple melon sized tumors in the twelve or so hours between when Jason had last seen it, and its body being found.

Then there was the matter of how the goblin had somehow managed to get its grubby little mitts on a Dathon Disrupter blade. Jason had little doubt the weapon was looted from one of the fallen kingdom soldiers. The maggot’s simplistic animal-like brain must have been captivated by how sparkly the blade was. If he understood goblins even half as well as he thought, the stupid little thing was probably straining its brain to understand that the thing it had picked up was both shiny, AND sharp. “Shiny made it valuable, and anything sharp was good for stabbing.” That was the extent of how deep the goblin's thinking went, Jason was sure.

Sure, if he had noticed the creature, the blade would have been useless against his omnidirectional invincibility. He’d seen much finer weapons shatter when they came into contact with his protective abilities. BUT, despite what people might think, all those superhuman protections had a stifling cost. And what kind of insane fool bothered to keep invincibility turned on when everyone who was anyone of importance in the area was deader than a doornail.

He could still remember the metallic iron taste in the back of his throat as his lungs had filled with blood. He’d of course tried to heal himself, but the disruptor had done its job. Jason’s ability to cast magic had been rendered entirely useless, the arcane energies coming apart as he tried to weave them into even the simplest of spells. The only small justice he could find in the situation was that the assailant had botched their landing. He could only assume the beast had thought the surprise would paralyze him, while he drowned in his own fluids. If that had been the first or even fifth time he’d died, the little monster would have been correct. The realization that you are dying, and there’s nothing you can do about it, was a hell of a thing to cope with. Lucky for Jason, you kind of got ‘better’ at handling the whole impending demise thing, after you’d faced death a dozen times.

The time bought from NOT having your life flash before your eyes, had given him just enough of an opportunity to land a heavy haymaker against the goblin. It wasn’t the cleanest of blows, but it still brought a smile to his face remembering the feeling of the creature’s bones breaking under his empowered fist. He wasn’t sure if it had been enough to kill the thing, but he did know that if it didn’t kill the goblin, it had at least permanently crippled the right side of the beast. Watching the goblin crumple, then begin to twitch, had been the best sight he could imagine as his world faded to blackness.

When he next opened his eyes, he was sitting in his usual seat within the Agency. The room was sparsely decorated, he’d never really seen the point in investing in decorations for a place that held such... complex, emotional significance. Much less a place that he did his best to spend as little time in as possible. Jason was a bit annoyed that his handler wasn’t present to greet him, but then she was never good at doing her job. Sighing, he leaned back in the chair and waited, he knew that she had been paged when he arrived, and he also knew the door wouldn’t open until he had submitted his mission summary.

Ruby had of course lost her metaphorical shit when Jason arrived back at the Agency. The bloody lush had laughed herself into a mini coma when she learned that a lowly goblin, using a glorified butter knife, had been the thing to bring Jason down. Gods, he hated her, no matter when he ran into her, she always reeked like she’d just gotten done bathing in a pool of liquor. He was still not really sure WHERE or HOW she got her hands on Earth booze. Plucking a soul from Earth was troublesome enough, but trying to get physical objects from the place? That was far beyond even Ruby’s power. He did know for a fact that it was Earth liquor, and not some kind of divine proximity, since he’d yet to find a single bar in the entirety of the Agency. Hell, he’d yet to find another being that even understood what alcohol was.

After recovering enough that she could breathe without wheezing, Ruby had gone ahead and made sure that the contract hadn’t been refunded due to Jason’s untimely demise. As luck would have it, it did appear that he had fulfilled just enough of the order so that the client could still be charged for services rendered. Which meant that Jason got his commission, a fair bit smaller than he would have liked after all the fees, but that was the cost one paid to subvert the usual limitations of a mortal body. Not that it mattered, that last job had finally put him over the top. After dozens upon dozens of quests, Jason had finally managed to scrape together enough to buy what he’d been lusting after since he first woke up in this shithole.

A mad smile curled on his lips, as he opened up the shop screen. Navigating through dozens of pages of bog-standard contracts, an asinine level of ads for luxury services, and more high-class cuisine than he could eat in a thousand thousand lifetimes, he finally found the loose thread he had been looking for. Dragging his finger along the lower left-hand side of the screen, he made a series of increasingly complex designs. With a click the screen faded away to a new darker overlay. Moving quickly, he bought the token he was looking for and slipped out of the system.

He’d stumbled across the dark site ages ago, while killing time between missions. The prices were exorbitant if not outright extortive in nature. But it did give one access to certain... choices that would not have otherwise been accessible via the normal shop. It was why Jason had bought the system admin privileges, he needed to access the real good shit. Sure, the base shop allowed agents to pick their own assignments, but the good missions, well those could only be accessed by the admin staff AKA handlers.

The biggest issue was that management did not take too kindly to their staff’s access codes being used by unauthorized individuals. This meant that Jason only had a limited amount of time to peruse the catalog before the system would kick him out and block that access code from being used again. He’d had to burn through three different sets of privileges before he found what he was looking for. A modifiable mission token for an honest to goodness Isekai.

The fact that Isekai were even a real thing, had thrown Jason for a bit of a loop. Well, perhaps more the fact that he had died in a tragic way that even the gods couldn’t seem to explain, and all he’d gotten for his trouble was a small “sign on bonus''. Not that he was complaining too much, the limited New Game+ skill had proven useful in more than one mission. But apparently, some people got a date with Truck-kun and suddenly they are given an entire freaking wish fulfillment fantasy. He would have pissed and moaned to upper management but thought better of it when he remembered that he only knew what he knew by using exploits within the system. There had been rumors about what happened to those who had their access codes stolen, it was not pleasant, and he didn’t want to imagine what would happen if people found out who had been using those stolen codes.

As Ruby droned on and on about whatever it was that drunk was talking about. Jason began calibrating the token to his specifications. The basic token itself had drained an exceedingly large amount of his credits, Isekai missions were... difficult to get a hold of, even for handlers, but it was the add-ons that were really going to strain his budget. He tapped through the various options. It wouldn’t be a proper Isekai without the deluxe harem package.

[click]

After the cluster fuck that was his last mission, he decided to take things on easy mode for his wish fulfillment. It was insanely costly, but the entire Divine Protection suite made him resistant if not straight up immune to every offensive ability that could reasonably be thrown at him.

[click]

Can’t live out your hero fantasy dreams without having to crush a Demon Lord.

[click]

He had deeply enjoyed the incarnations where he had had access to magic. But he couldn’t for the life of him seem to decide what to specialize in. Hemming and hawing for a bit, he finally decided to just splurge and get a little bit of everything. It would give him maximum versatility without over committing one way or another.

[click]

It stands to reason that a proper Demon Lord should be able to bypass divine protections, and might be resistant to magic, so it is probably best to fortify one’s body and boost the crap out of one’s stats.

[click] [click]

Not really looking forward to having to do the whole baby with the mind of an adult trope. He decides to just spawn in with his body already at its apex. He never really understood why the grown ass adults in the shows and manga always seemed to end up as some kid. Like yeah, wish fulfillment for young readers/watchers, but a guy in his twenties is going to wipe the floor with some punk ass sixteen-year-old. Whatever, it didn’t really matter; to each their own he guessed.

[click]

Jason looked at his credit balance; it was painfully low, but he shrugged it off. All he needed to do was complete the mission to get it back to a respectable level. He looked at the payout for completing the mission. It wasn’t impressive, Isekai almost never paid more than a pittance, but it should be enough to tide him over once he’d had his fun and squeezed every drop of wish fulfillment out of whatever backwater world, he ended up in.

Jason’s attention was pulled from the status screen by the sound of a large *CLUNK*. Looking over he saw that Ruby had apparently finally grown bored with her one-sided conversation. To combat this boredom, she had pulled out an entire mothering fucking hogshead of whiskey. From her pocket dimension, she pulls out two crystal glasses and fills both glasses with a hefty amount of liquor. She sets one down in front of herself and puts the other one in front of Jason.

“Drink”

“Thanks, but no thanks, I’m not inclined to degr....”

“I said, DRINK!” Ruby bellows again, her eyes filled with rage. Her words reinforced with magical power, compel Jason to take a large gulp of the auburn liquid. He’s amazed at the rich flavor of the whiskey. The rich honey notes give the drink a sublime sweetness, without overshadowing the subtle dried red fruit. The decades of barrel aging have left the drink smoother than silk. The vague hints of oak and cinnamon leave him wanting more. Time seems to melt away as he is compelled to have ‘just another sip’... ‘Maybe just a finger’s worth more’... ‘What’s one more drink for the road?’. The world around him seeps away, as he is lost in the complex rich flavors of Ruby’s private stash.

When he next wakes, he’s once more found himself in the Void.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you have gotten this far, i just want to say thank you for giving my work a chance. I'm still pretty new to trying to write, so i would LOVE any comments / suggestions / or criticism you might have about the piece as it currently exists.
I hope you have a wonderful day, and once again thank you for your time.

Hey guys, with Euro2024 coming up soon, what are some of the watch spots (bar, pubs, open air space) around Mitte/Moabit/Pberg that you would recommend?

https://www.govexec.com/workforce/2024/05/senators-latest-telework-legislation-could-imperil-remote-work/396417/

Senators’ latest telework legislation could imperil remote work

A new bill from Sens. Mitt Romney, R-Utah, and Joe Manchin, D-W.Va., would cap all telework at 40% of an employee’s work hours, potentially endangering the federal government’s nascent remote work program.

Senators’ latest telework legislation could imperil remote work
MAY 8, 2024 04:37 PM ET
The latest bipartisan bill attempting to curb the use of telework in the federal government would require federal workers to spend at least 60% of their work hours on in-person work, though it could also ban remote work arrangements in most cases.
Sens. Mitt Romney, R-Utah, and Joe Manchin, D-W.Va., introduced the Back to Work Act (S. 4266) on Tuesday. The legislation limits telework usage to 40% of the work days in any given pay period, with exceptions in cases where the employee is a military or federal law enforcement spouse or if a federal position requires “highly specialized expertise,” frequent travel or difficult to recruit for.
Last week, Office of Management and Budget Director Jason Miller testified that the Biden administration’s goal is for “office workers” to commute to the office for half of their work hours in a given pay period.
The bill also would require each agency head to review and reauthorize each employee's telework agreement on an annual basis, and require agencies to both monitor employees’ work while they are teleworking and provide Congress with a report on teleworking employees’ productivity “and the potential negative effects of telework on productivity, morale, security vulnerabilities, or waste, fraud or abuse.”
“It has been nearly a year since President Biden formally ended COVID-19 public health emergency declarations, yet most of our federal office buildings remain empty -- wasting millions of taxpayer dollars every day,” Romney said in a statement. “Americans deserve to have a federal workforce that is both present and productive. Our bipartisan legislation would require federal employees to work in the office for a majority of the time, while still allowing reasonable flexibility for telework.”
Despite the exceptions for some jobs and for military and law enforcement spouses, the bill’s sweeping provisions also could bar federal agencies from employing remote work agreements, in which federal workers’ primary duty station is their home and there is no expectation that they regularly commute to a traditional work site. That’s because, unlike other proposed measures, like the Telework Reform Act, Romney and Manchin’s bill does not codify the Office of Personnel Management’s remote work definition before capping telework’s usage.
Federal officials have lauded remote work both as a way to improve the federal workforce’s geographic diversity as well as a key recruitment tool. HR managers have noted much larger applicant pools when a position is advertised as eligible for the working arrangement.
Manchin specifically targeted remote work as something that “hinders” productivity in the federal workplace in a statement endorsing the bill.
“Federal workers have a unique obligation to connect with the citizens they serve, and exclusively remote work hinders this essential collaboration,” he said. “Local businesses in West Virginia and across the country are also suffering from a lack of consumer traffic during work days, which is negatively impacting our local economies. I encourage my colleagues on both sides of the aisle to support this commonsense legislation that brings our society closer to pre-pandemic normalcy.”

Should you clay bar, clay mitt, or use an iron remover?

Hey everyone, here is the digest of the digest again, focusing on Berlin. Last one from March.

Week of 2nd (issue #95)

1. 👩🏻‍🍳 Hallman & Klee was awarded a Michelin star. Regular readers will remember we recommended it three weeks ago! In total, with the new addition last week, we now have 22 restaurants with stars in Berlin, the highest number in Germany.
2. You can earn €25-€120 for helping as a volunteer in the European elections on the 9th of June. Unlike other elections, you can apply with any of the EU passports. (Look for Onlinebereitschaftserklärung, somehow my link got broken twice). They are looking for 30.000 volunteers, so take the chance.
3. An exceptionally important and well-written essay by Adam Tooze to understand German-Israeli relations (Israel’s security as a key part of Germany’s Staatsräson) around the Gaza crisis. It involves submarines.
4. Career: If your company recently went through layoffs, this might actually be a good time to ask for a raise. People are the company’s number one asset.
5. Reddit choice of the week is this great explanation from Tolstoy_mc about why during inflation, coffee and restaurants are getting so much more expensive for the regular Joe/Jane. The longer the supply chain, the worse it gets.
6. 💬 Briefly:
   1. Stats: In the last quarter of 2023, the bankruptcy proceedings in Berlin grew 12.4% YoY to 1,516. (St. BB)
   2. Numa will invest in 82-unit serviced apartments in Wedding. Opening planned for Q2 ‘26.
   3. A reader sent me evidence of how startups were disrupting the insurance industry: their policy was sold twice in the last 2 years, which means they are with their third insurance company now. 🤡

Week of 8th (issue #96)

1. Tagesspiegel (🇩🇪, €) made a list of the top 10 best-paying Berlin employers based on Kununu data with a minimum of 50 submitted salaries. I’ve often featured many here, but was recently sceptical about Cariad (VW’s software company).
2. Because I clicked on one ad, my Instagram stories are full of law firms offering deletion of bad Google reviews. It’s a big business because I get a lot of ads served on the “Löschhelfer” Google query. With this templated business model, businesses can harass reviewers for a couple of EUR. Here is a BZ report on a not-named popular Café in Mitte (🇩🇪). A part of me is, “fuck it, who cares,” but a part of me is like, “Let’s name the bars and restaurants doing it.” What do you think? Spoiler alert: I decided we can’t really do anything against it without getting bullied.
3. 💬 Briefly:
   1. Stats: On average, we eat 51.6kg of meat annually (-430g YoY) in Germany. Out of which 27.5kg is pork, 13.1kg poultry and 8.9kg red meat. (FAZ)
   2. Activist investor hedge fund Sachem Head started a 3.6% position in Delivery Hero. This usually means nervous C-level management and stock price appreciation. Last week, the stock settled at +18.47%.

Week of 15th (issue #97)

1. ♡ I loved this pitch for Berlin from 2018. The pitch doctor also mentioned EyeEm and N26, both featured in today’s Briefly section
2. If you ever want to start a company in Germany/Berlin, here is a guide to bookmark. Buying an existing off-the-shelf company is also available if you need it earlier.
3. Career: “Find people to talk to or collaborate with by searching across the /about, /ideas and /now pages of 6054 personal websites.” A lot of Berliners if you try the “Berlin” search.
4. 💬 Briefly:
   1. Now N26 also turned on stock and ETF trading. What a crowded market!
   2. Volocopter’s plans to start running regular flight services in Paris during the Olympics are in danger. One problem is the necessary approval, and the other is local opposition. If, they will fly “by invitation”. (Capital, 🇩🇪)

Week of 22nd (issue #98)

1. 🚨 If you haven’t yet, check out this cool dashboard for the comp data.
2. 🎥 Kino International, a former GDR “premiere” cinema, which celebrated 60. years last November, will close for two years of renovation on the 13th of May. If you want to catch it in its current glory, here is the programme. It’s worth it.
3. 🇪🇺 Everyone with an EU passport can also vote in Berlin in the coming EU elections on the 9th of June. Here are instructions on how.
4. 🤖 In Germany, we have constitutionally forbidden Sunday shopping. Now imagine a shop run completely by robots. Could this automated shop be open on Sundays? Apparently not. The legal battle (Verdi vs Tegut) over automated shops in Fulda started four years ago, and the judge said the small-service store still qualified as a shop. (FT, €) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
5. Timeless: Tit for Tat always wins. A must-see video about the game theory, the beauty of cooperation and being nice to people. What Game Theory Reveals About Life, The Universe, and Everything by Veritasium (25+ min).
6. Reddit choice of the week is this gorgeous graffiti by 1UP crew. Also seen is Paradox Paradise left and right. If you want to see it live, go here.
7. 💬 Briefly:
   1. Grocery delivery news: Flink raised $100M from most of the existing investors, maybe also to fight off Knuspr (formerly known as Bringmeister), which is starting in Berlin on the 22nd of April. Crowded! WiWo (🇩🇪) reported that Getir might pull out of Germany. (It eventually did!)
   2. Thai retailer Central Group bought the remaining share of bankrupt KaDeWe. According to RBB, the company was struggling for years. (🇩🇪) Extremely high rents from their owner (Signa) surely didn’t help. Financial engineering until you hit the wall?
   3. After a stellar 2023 performance, Q1 sales of ASML (microchip equipment producer with a presence in Berlin) came in at 21.6% lower than expected. ArrakisTaiwan-based TMSC also lowered the outlook.
   4. RBB reports that Apple Maps started to record German streets for their “street view”. This time they’ll also do it on foot (in Berlin between 23.5 and 31.7). The whole thing should be documented by mid-August.

Week of 29th (issue #99)

1. ❤️ We have trash investigators like “Bronko” in Berlin (🇩🇪), so make sure you don’t do anything stupid (fines are going to significantly increase as well: 250€ for a fag, €3.000 for 2kg of trash and €8k for a sofa). BSR removed 40.000 m3 of illegal trash in 2022! I wish dogs would also leave a signature on their sh*t, because some of their owners clearly have no shame.
2. 💦 The Berliner published the results of their sex survey (n=2,075). Findings include high acceptance and practice of non-monogamy (40% defining their relationships as some form of non-monogamy) and the cultural influence on sexual identity (35% reported that living in Berlin has changed their preferred relationship type).
3. 🤔 Bayer, the former German pharma champion and aspirin inventor, is in big trouble. €34.5B of debt, €2.5B loss in 2023 and poor pharma pipeline. Bill Anderson, CEO since June 2023, learned “that the company’s rules and procedures handbook was longer than War and Peace,” so his plan now is to save €2B by cutting most of the middle managers and asking nearly 100,000 employees to ‘self-organize’. (Fortune) Wild!
4. Career: LinkedIn compiled a list of the 25 best companies in Germany based (🇩🇪) on eight factors: advancement opportunities, skill growth, company stability, external job prospects, company affinity, gender distribution, educational level of employees, and employer relevance in the specific country. Twelve of the companies have a presence in Berlin: Siemens, Sanofi, Boston Consulting Group (BCG), Kering, Karl Storz, Bain & Company, Amazon, Fresenius Group, Deutsche Bahn, Thermo Fisher Scientific, McKinsey & Company, and Pfizer.
5. Reddit choice of the week is this rare burst of (spring-related?) positivity on and the quote from Anneliese Bödecker added by someone: “Die Berliner sind unfreundlich und rücksichtslos, ruppig und rechthaberisch, Berlin ist abstoßend, laut, dreckig und grau, Baustellen und verstopfte Straßen, wo man geht und steht – aber mir tun alle Menschen leid, die nicht hier leben können!” Goosebumped!
6. 💬 Briefly:
   1. Stats: In 2023, the average asking rent per sqm was €13.60, an 18.3% increase from the previous year. Kreuzberg and Neukölln saw nearly a 25% increase. (🇩🇪, RBB)
   2. Autodoc (Berlin, auto parts e-commerce) reached unicorn status (€2.3B) after taking on a private investment from Apollo Funds. In 2023 they generated €1.3B+ in net revenue and €130+ million of adjusted EBITDA.
   3. HelloFresh reported Q1: a 74.6% drop in adj. EBITDA to €16.8 million with record revenue of €2.07B. They target 2% to 8% revenue growth for the fiscal 2024.

You can see the rest here.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/Exciting-Turnip7126. She posted in MarkNarrations and TrueOffMyChest.
Thanks to u/Literally_Taken for finding this and recommending it.

Read the trigger warnings. A reminder to not comment on Original Posts. See rule 7.

Trigger Warning: graphic descriptions of child abuse; infidelity; verbal abuse; financial abuse;
Mood Spoiler: surprisingly happy ending
Background Post: January 21, 2024
Editor's note: This post is tangentially related to the main post as it discusses some of OOP's background.
I feel so lost. I don't know what to do and I feel sick. I (41F) have been no contact my with my mother for the past 11 years following years of physical, financial, and emotional abuse as well as years of parentification.
To give everyone an idea, my mother started abusing me physically and emotionally from the age of 6 , which is when we both moved out of the extended family home. I never knew my father so until I was 6 I grew up in a home with my mother, her 3 siblings and her parents (my grandparents).
Her physical abuse consisted of pinching and twisting until my skin blistered or tore. Grabbing me by the arm or leg so hard she'd leave a bruise in the shape of her hand. Throwing things at me like drinking glasses. A few times I couldn't go to school because the bruises were in places that were visible.
Her emotional abuse was just as bad. Telling me she'd throw me outside and lock the door so the boogeyman would take me if I didn't do exactly what she said. This was all when I was under the age of 10.
The parentification started when I was 11 when my first half brother was born. He was my sole responsibility. Same when my second half brother was born when I was 18.
The financial abuse started when I was 12 when I had my first tutoring job. She's take my money to buy alcohol. I would hide my money so I could buy food for me and brother or my cat since she'd forget and just say to "eat whatever".
Financially, she wrecked my credit. I lent her my credit card when I was 21 (stupid I know) to help her with her business. She said, as my mother, I owed it to her. Back then I was still in the mindset I was taught growing up. That family was what was most important. Now I know better and have worked hard for years to build my credit back up.
Back to my dilemma. We (me and my bf 45M) have been invited to a friend's wedding. There's a chance my mother may be there.
What makes me anxious is we have a 9.5 month old baby girl. Yes I had my baby late. There's a long tradition of the women in my family being abusive. I didn't want children for the longest time. I don't regret having my daughter. She's my world and I love her more than anything and I know my mother would demand to see her if given the chance. The thought of my mother seeing her and just seeing my mother in general makes me feel sick with anxiety and on the verge of sobbing.
These emotions come up because I think of my daughter being exposed to her and I can do is cry.
On the other hand I want to go to the wedding. My friends who are getting married know my history with my mother. I have a feeling they'd invite her to be polite.
How can I get through this?
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: I'm sorry you had to deal with all that. While I can't tell friends who they should invite to their wedding, I would think good friends would be aware of the friction. I'd certainly ask if my mother had been invited. If they answer yes, then I would skip the wedding. If your mother is still drinking and abusive, there's no way I'd risk running into her again. Just not worth it.

OOP: Thank you. Exactly. I don't want to be that person who dictates who they can/can't invite.
That's a good idea. I will ask if she was invited/ RSVPed yes. She drinks less now. Her heavy drinking resulted in her getting type 2 diabetes. Even with less alcohol, she apparently is still very manipulative and abusive according to my youngest half brother.

Commenter: Wishing you luck. Don’t blame you at all! My mother’s father (grandfather is too familial for him) was a narcissist, abuser too. Had to control every and all situations. Refused to give him any leeway and never spoke to him for the last 10 or so years of his life. If I had kids, I would not have allowed him to be apart of their lives either. There is no need to have another generation subjected to the vitriol and physical violence. Go to the party, support your brother. You don’t have to say a word to her. Make Her look stupid by ignoring her.

OOP: Thank you so much for your comment! I'm so sorry you had to go through that too and you're absolutely right when you said
"There is no need to have another generation subjected to the vitriol and physical violence."
My mother is the way she is because of her mother who was so much worse. That's why I had my daughter later in life. I was child Free out of fear of being like them but my step-dad and boyfriend both told me the same thing: I know how not to parent.

Mini update (Same Post, Next Day)
I don't know if this is how we update but I'm going to do it anyway lol. Thank you to everyone who commented and you all had the same advice. So I contacted the bride last night. She wrote me back this morning. She did not invite my mother. She knows a little bit of my history with my mother and said she rarely speaks to her. She wants me and my step-father there. He too would not want my mother there (he went through a lot of abuse too at my mother's hand). So my friend wanted us to have a good time and is not inviting my mother.
Thank you all again so very much for reading my post. I was so afraid of being that person who causes drama over who is/isn't invited and didn't want to cause my friend stress that I started imagining all possible scenarios of what could happen if she was that and spiraled into an emotional crying mess.
After all your comments, some ginger ale a hug from my husband and baby, I was able to get some sleep.
Thank you all again very much
Original Post: April 16, 2024 (4 months later)
Title: I had to end my 11 yr NC with my mother and her siblings for a family event. I will see her for the first time this Saturday. I'm overthinking everything...
I (41F) went NC with my entitled narcissistic mother and her siblings 11 years ago after years of physical, emotional and financial abuse as well as years of parentification starting when I was 11 yrs old. None of her siblings said or did anything. They just looked the other way and told me I was too emotional and exaggerate everything.
My brother (30M) and his girlfriend (22F) are having a baby shower for their first baby this Saturday, my mother is organizing it and sent out invites and created a Facebook event. This is why I went stopped my NC, so I could see the event and mark myself as going.
I refuse to let a POS human being prevent me from being there for brother and his girlfriend, even if that person is my mother. I'm not going to lie, I spiralled when I first saw my mother's invite. All the years of abuse, days of missed elementary school because the bruises were in visible places, all came back. My step-dad (54M) talked me down and we're going together. He was abused by her just as bad as I was, if not worse.
My mother is organizing the baby shower because my brother is close with her. Yes he knows what she did but thinks I should just forgive and forget, which I have multiple times but that never stopped the abuse.
My biggest concern is my boyfriend and I have a child (1F) and when my brother found out, he started again with how I should forgive and forget. I told him I don't expect him to not tell my mother about my child but to respect that she will not be in my child's life. Since my daughter was born there were some not so subtle attempts from her to like pictures of my daughter. She even sent me a friend request once, which I deleted right away. She's the jealous vindictive type so it wouldn't surprise me if she pressured my brother to get his girlfriend pregnant so she'd have a grand-child too (She's jealous of my step-dad for being a grand dad).
For those wondering why I didn't block her, I did but unblocked every now and then because I was paranoid she'd try something with grand-parents rights, even though I know she doesn't have a leg to stand on for that or try to get sympathy for not seeing my daughter. This still bothers me to this day sometimes. The nightmares and hormones have me paralyzed in fear. All this to say my mother would be the type of person to post about this on social media and if she does, I want to be able to get screenshots of it and address it right away because she's a master manipulator.
I decided to take a big step and started therapy for the first time last week. Therapy was always something ridiculed and seen as something for weak people by my family. My boyfriend (44M) agreed with the therapy and even asked me how I felt afterwards. He's my rock and my everything. We've been together for 20 years. For those wondering, why we aren't married because we don't really don't care. We love each other and for us that's enough. Therapy helped a lot. I have another session this week, two days before I see her again. My therapist called me brave, which honestly surprised me. I never thought of myself as being brave.
Anyway, I'll update after the baby shower.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: Your brother deems his deference for your mother above the abuse thar he knows you suffered. However much you care for him, your feelings are secondary as far as he's concerned... Why stress? Spend the day with someone who loves you.

OOP: thank you for your comment. I do agree with you that my feelings are completely secondary to him. Unfortunately, he's very much like her personality wise but his girlfriend is a gem and keeps him level headed (even he admits its lol). My dad and I have an agreement that if either of us are uncomfortable we'll leave right away. We're going as each other's support. Plus I worked really hard on a crocheted baby blanket, hats and mitts lol.

Why are you putting yourself in this situation?

Thank you so much for your concern. Yes it's going to be stressful but after having lost my entire family when going NC, I went a few years with no contact with anyone, including my step-dad and brothers. She had turned everyone against me which destroyed me. I felt so abandoned. Once her lies, cheating and abuse were exposed is when my step-dad and one of my two brothers came back in my life. The one brother who came back (23M) isn't the one who's baby shower I'm going to (30M). Yes there's a massive age difference between us (I'm 41F). I raised the two of them alone. I felt like I had lost everything when they went NC. Them coming back felt like a second chance. Brother 30M came back a few years after. He's very easily manipulated and has the same kind of personality as my mother: vain, narcissistic and selfish but he's a watered down version without the abuse.
Basically I'm putting myself in this situation for my second chance little family I was able to form after the fallout. Seems ridiculous but I'd feel terrible to not try.

Commenter: I too, think it is a bad idea. I cannot imagine spending time around someone that was abusive to me for years just to appease my brother who didn't even care that I was abused, still maintains a close relationship with my abuser and on top of it has the audacity to tell me to forgive and forget. That part is throwing me. I cannot for the life of me imagine my mom hurting my sister who I love, yet still wanting to be cool with my mom, my mom would be dead to me. And I get Op is fond of her brother's gf but like someone else suggested take her out to lunch or do something else nice with her, like a spa day and give her the gift.

OOP: As much as I would love to do all the above, it's really hard with how far my brother and his girlfriend live and their job. They both work really long shifts. I know it's confusing and even I wonder sometimes, especially that he plays off my trauma like I'm exaggerating, but the best way I can put it is in a way we have a way to start over. After the year did abuse, not just to me but my step-dad also, we want to try and make our little family of chosen people work. We never got a chance to do that, ever. I would have to do a post by itself about my family and all the bullshit that lead to the NC. That would be a massive post in itself. So much to unpack but therapy is helping.
Lastly, I was happy to hear my brother's girlfriend put her foot down with certain things with my mother. My brother will get to see our mother's real personality with his baby. I hope he steps up for his girlfriend and their baby.

Commenter: It's ok to prioritize your self and your family. You cannot thrive and be bountiful if you don't. If not going is best for you. That is ok. What is best for you is ok. It took me a long time to say that! It's not selfish to do what's best for you and your LO (Editor's note- little one)

OOP: I've really been leveraging "No" as a full sentence and have been using that as a filter for people I want to keep in my life. If people can't respect me when I say no, then what else are they going to disrespect me on.
At first I did not want to go. I had a full blown crying, shaking, dry heaving meltdown. After composing myself, I called my dad and he talked me through it and said he was going. He was heavily abused too so I know it's just as hard for him. That's why we're going as each other's support. As for my daughter, she's staying home with my boyfriend having a daddy daughter day.

Commenter: Eh, I would suggest just using her first name, not "mother." Deny the relationship. Twist that knife.

OOP: I have. I use mother here because I've used "egg donor" in the past and people were super confused. Even to my step-dad and brothers I call her by her first name.

Commenter: I'm a cross stitcher and knitter, I feel your pain. (Editor's note- OOP commented at one point that she had a handmade gift for the new baby) As for the shower, have you considered that by going you are letting her win? She gets to show everyone how mean you are to her, she gets to create drama and blame it on you. Think on this, a narcissist thrives on attention any attention, even bad, is a balm to their soul.
She will do everything in her power to make you look bad. There is no way to win, except by ignoring her existence.

OOP: Thank you! I have considered that side too. I'm going by my dad's experience. He had to see her a month ago or so for the gender reveal and he said she looked resigned. Almost emotionless. She's already painted me in a bad light to the entire family (her sisters, her brother and their kids) who will also be there by the way. But they're all so non-confrontational and fake.
I know my mother is throwing the baby shower for exactly that reason. She wants attention. My dad and I agreed to leave right away if either of us feels uncomfortable.

Commenter: You want to be there for a grown ass man who doesn’t care about you being abused. Why do you still care about him? When has he ever cared about you??

OOP: Thank you for your comment. We used to be close a long ago. We've gotten a lot better in the past 2 years. He was really badly manipulated by my mother for many years. He took for granted that what she was telling him was true because she's our mother and she wouldn't lie, which is so dumb, I know. He's learning that more and more. I think he's seeing it more now that she keeps trying to ask him for money, like I warned him she would.

Commenter: Brother will change his mind about mother once she starts abusing his kid. These kinds of things don't just stop. Good luck to you!

OOP: Thank you! I really hope it doesn't come to that but it wouldn't surprise me. I think it'll be more my brother's girlfriend putting her foot down with my mother's involvement (she'll probably try to involve herself in everything). My brother will be forced to choose and in general does what his girlfriend says since she's the most down to earth, realistic and normal out of the two. She keeps him level, his words exactly.

Commenter: You DON’T have to go. Just because your brother has poor taste in people doesn’t mean you have to be around your abuser. You can see him other times.

OOP: Thank you for your comment. I know I don't. I'm choosing to go. I feel like I'm letting my mother get under my skin and win by not going and that makes me even angrier. That's where I'm at at the moment.

Editor's note: All edits take place on the same post.
EDIT: I'm sorry if I'm, confusing anyone by saying "my dad" when referring to my step-dad. To me he is my dad. He and I have gone through hell and back together in regards to my mom. Our experience has brought us closer than ever.
EDIT 2: I am NOT bringing my daughter. She's staying home and having a daddy daughter day with my boyfriend.
EDIT 3: April 16 or 17, 2024 (Same day/day after)
Holy cow I did not expect this many comments! Thank you all so much! You have no idea how much I appreciate it. That's what I love at MarkNarrations. I love this sub. It's such a tightly knit community. My daughter knows the sound of his voice now and comes running to see when I play his videos on my tablet lol.
One thing I want to tell everyone, you don't need to worry about me breaking down, crying, or having a meltdown. I'm at a point in my life where I don't get sad. I get angry and my worry is if she tries anything, my step-dad will have to jump him and pull me back. And I have no problems calling her out on her abuse. Many years ago she made him nearly homeless where he only had enough money to pay his mortgage but had to go to the food bank for food. He didn't tell me because he knew I probably would have done something I'd regret later. He only told me after the fact and I cried tears of anger and disbelief at being related to someone so vile. When I get overwhelmed I cry, which I find so embarrassing.
I am seeing therapist this Thursday, two days before the shower and I'm really looking forward to it. I will keep you all updated. Thank you all again so much. I really love this sub <3
EDIT 4: April 18, 2024 (two days later)
Thank you all again so much for all the love and support. I'm sorry I didn't clarify this before. I have 2 brothers 30M and 23M. My brothers are my half-brothers (We share the same mother. Their father is my step-dad). Just like how I call my step-dad "dad", I call my half-brothers, "brothers".All the comments, advise and suggestions have been amazing and some really really funny. I'm feeling so much better after reading all the support and am started to look forward to the baby shower, especially that my step-dad texted me saying he met my mother's husband this week and that the man's face was priceless after my step-dad introduced himself to him. I asked for more details but he said we'll talk about it on the drive over.
After that, I wanted to give you all a full scope of who my mother is and what kind of a piece of shit human being she really is. I put it in point form instead of a giant block of text:

• Her physical abuse started at 6-7 years old. It was pinching and twisting until my skin tore. Grabbing me by the arm or leg so hard she'd leave hand shaped bruises. Slapping me across the face so hard, I'd have the imprint of her hand on my face. Throwing objects at me. She almost broke my orbital bone when I was 8 after throwing a glass at my face after I said a swear word in public for the first time. A few times I couldn't go to school because the bruises were in visible places.
• Telling me she'd throw me outside and lock the door so the boogeyman would take me if I didn't do exactly what she said. This was all when I was under the age of 10.
• The parentification started when I was 11 when my first brother was born. He was my sole responsibility. Same when my second brother was born when I was 18.
• The financial abuse started when I was 12 when I had my first job tutoring the neighbour's son. She'd take my money to buy alcohol. I would hide my money so I could buy food for me and brother or my cat since she'd forget and just say to "eat whatever".
• Financially speaking, she wrecked my credit. I lent her my credit card when I was 21 (stupid I know) to help her with her business. She said, as my mother, I owed it to her. Back then I was still in the mindset I was taught growing up. That family was what was most important. Now I know better and have worked hard for years to build my credit back up.
• She tried to get back in contact with me 8 years ago by wishing me happy birthday on facebook under my brother's comment (they're facebook friends). This was 2 weeks after we were contacted about inheritance following my grandfather's death a few months before. She hadn't contacted me for anything the 3 years previous. So gross, especially since she inherited way more than I or my brothers did.
• As for my step-dad - she cheated on him for 6 years with some guy she met down in the Caribbean. So not only is she abusive, she's also a cheating piece of shit. She would fly out down there 6 to 7 times a year by herself for her "me" time and would lose it when my step-dad asked to join her. All the money he gave her to pay the mortgage, hydro, and other utilities, she'd send to her boy toy, now her husband. My step-dad almost lost his house and she ruined his credit too by racking up credit card and cell phone bills. Her credit was so bad, she couldn't get a phone. I had had enough and confronted her. They split up not long after and that's when all my mother's lies and manipulation came to light.
• They owned a company together that my mother's brother bought from them. My step-dad and mom had each taken out a loan with the bank to start the company together and were still making payments to it after they split. My step-dad paid his loan off first and that made my mother so angry and jealous she had her brother help her take my step-dad to court to sue him and have him pay her loan. She won. He had to go to the food bank for a while because he couldn't afford anything else but the mortgage and hydro.

I have therapy this afternoon and can't wait. I felt so much better last week after just 1 session. You all have made me feel so much stronger and confident. Let me know if you have any questions or need clarification on anything I wrote above.
Update (Same Post): April 20, 2024 (4 days from OG post)
UPDATE! Today was the baby shower and omg! I'm putting everything in point form because there's a lot to update you all on. I'm typing from my cellphone as I'm rocking my daughter to sleep. I missed her so much today.
1 - my dad invited his female best friend to come with us to the baby shower. We'll call her Sally. She's a wonderful woman with a big heart and very protective of my dad, especially since she knows my mother fairly well and works at the same place as her. The first time she and I met we were talking about each other's work and she was going on about this awful co-worker who was so bossy, blamed everyone else for her mistakes and took the praise for other people's work. Turns out it was my mother lol. Basically my mother was not happy Sally was coming.
2 - Both my dad and Sally said my mother texted them to say the baby shower started at 1:30. It didn't. The invite clearly said 1pm. I told them we're getting there for 1pm and was 99% sure my mother was trying to make them look bad out of jealousy. I was right. We arrived at 12:55 pm and my mother's deer in the headlights look on her face said it all.
Guys I stayed composed. I did it! My hands were shaking but I kept them in my pockets. Sally saw this and squeezed my arm.
My mother came out of her daze and came over "oh OP! You came!? It's nice to see you!"
I smirked at her obvious lie and discomfort at being caught, said "Nice to see you too. Where do I put my gift?" She took my gift and put it on the table with the other gifts.
3 - My mother's two siblings showed up with their daughters. One sister greeted me like an acquaintance, which I appreciated. The other pretended I wasn't even there.
4 - my dad, Sally and I sat at a table with one of my dad's former work buddies. We had a blast. My mother was not impressed. Shooting us dirty looks. So much so my dad's friend turned to me and said "uh oh. I think we might need to keep it down". Everyone else was talking loudly, we weren't the only ones. She just didn't like that we were having fun.Me "forget her. She always looks like that." My dad spit out his drink laughing. I didn't say it loud enough for her to hear (at least I don't think so and didn't care in the moment to be honest) but we did get more dirty looks lol.
4 - my mother whipped out a headset with a microphone hooked to a tiny speaker that she hooked to the back of her pants, like she was some sort of talk show host. I shit you not. I didn't notice until my dad said "what the fuck..." I looked over and couldn't help but laugh. Did I mention my mother thrives on being the center of attention, even at her own son's baby shower.
5 - she had us play games and whatnot which was fun. I participated and had fun, until my mother handed diapers with melted chocolate bars on them and gave them out to my two brothers my dad and another guy at the shower. She wanted them to taste what was in the diaper and guess the chocolate bar. The way the chocolate was melted you could tell some of the crotch of the diaper had turned gelatinous (which is what it's supposed to do when a baby pees. I doubt that gel is for human consumption). Me in my now very comfortable seat at the shower blurted "that's disgusting". I got a few responses agreeing with " uh yeah... That's gross".
6 - then there was the bottle drinking game. My mother dropped the bottle full of grape juice in front of my dad like he was a bug she was trying to squish with the bottle. It was so obvious that the girl at the table next to us tapped my shoulder and asked why "the woman with the microphone just pitched the bottle to the poor guy in the blue shirt". I told her the guy was my dad and the woman was his ex, my mother. The girl apologized profusely. I told her not to, that she said nothing wrong and that my mother was just like that.
7 - my dad and I went out for supper afterwards and what I found out over guys... OMG! Turns out my mother was upset with my dad because she asked my other brother (not the one having the baby shower) to try and put in a good word for her to my dad because she wanted to get back together with him and he just laughed. He didn't know what else to say. Need I remind you all that she's currently married to the man she cheated on my dad with for 6 years!
She married and sponsored this man from the Caribbeans to come to Canada. According to my brother, this poor man is treated like a tenant and is forced to live in her basement. WTF
My dad laughed when he saw my face and told me not to worry, that there's no way in hell he would ever consider getting back with her. I told him good because I'd have to smack some sense into him if he did.
He's 99% positive she's trying to get back with my dad to try and reconcile with me to have access to my daughter. He said he'd rather die than let that happen.
So there you have it. What a shit show, but it was a fun shit show that I did not expect in the least. Thank you all again for all your comments and support. It was so very appreciated.
Relevant Comment:
Commenter: You handled that well. Now just go back to pretending she doesn’t exist. She doesn’t deserve anything different. The best revenge is living well.

OOP: That's exactly the plan! Thank you again for your comments.

​

I’m preparing for a bikepacking (mountain biking) trip in pretty rugged grueling terrain. I’m using a dual suspension mountain bike with no frame bag. So I only have a front handlebar roll and a rear seat pack. I’ve decided I’ll carry a hydration pack to give me room for 3L of water, a wind or rain jacket, snacks, and any other bits and bobs are lighter in weight. I have an ultralight kit, with a tarp, a 40 degree quilt, etc, with a total gear weight of 7.5lbs. My dilemma is basically where to store my heaviest items, which basically will be food. Should I distribute the food weight evenly between the bars and seat pack and try to keep my handlebars lighter, or should I put more or even all of the food weight in the seat pack? I will likely have about six pounds of food for this three day trip.

Hey everyone,
I'm doing my first Camino in the second half of June, starting in Porto. Been lurking here in preparation and below is my first cut at my packing list. Current pack weight is ~5.75 kg without water or food (<5% bodyweight).
Big Two

• Pack: Osprey Stratos 34
• Liner: Sea to Summit Breeze Liner

Worn

• AIRism Ultra Seamless Boxer Briefs
• Darn Tough Hiker Quarter Cushion Socks
• Outdoor Afro + REI Trail T-Shirt
• Altra Timp 5
• Target Running Shorts

Fanny Pack (attaches to pack)

• HMG Versa
• iPhone 14 Pro
• Credential
• Passport
• Belkin 10,000mAh USB Type-C Power Bank with cables
• Ray Ban Clubmasters
• Chicken Tramper Ultralight Wallet w/ Cards & Cash

Extra Clothes

• AIRism Ultra Seamless Boxer Briefs x 2
• Darn Tough Hiker Quarter Cushion Socks x 2
• REI Swiftland H2O Running Jacket (Rain/Wind)
• Columbia Thistletown Hills Polo (for town)
• Kuhl Deceptr Pants (for town/churches)
• Vuori Strato Tech Hoodie
• Mountain Hardwear Crater Lake T-shirt
• Target Running Shorts

Utility

• 750 ml Smartwater Bottles x 2
• Rawlogy Travel Cork Massage Ball
• Black Diamond Spot Headlamp *Converters
• Chargers/Cables
• Zpacks Lotus UL Umbrella
• Umbrella holster
• Thermarest Z Seat
• Crocs
• Spork
• Buff w/ UPF 50 (sun protection/eye mask)

Toiletries

• Matador FlatPak Zipper Toiletry Case
• Dr. Bronner's Castile Bar
• Matador FlatPak Soap Bar Case
• REI Multi Towel Mini
• Folding Toothbrush
• Unpaste Toothpaste Tabs
• Floss
• Travel deodorant
• IFAK
• Daily Medicine
• Safety Pins

Hello lovely people,
I’ve just packed my bag and weighed it and it’s coming in at 5.3kg without water, and I’m concerned it might be a bit heavy considering I weigh 55kg.
I hope this formats alright, but here is what is in it, minus the clothes I’ll be wearing to travel. I’m struggling to think what I could drop out of this list and also concerned I don’t have much in the way of waterproofs included apart from one very lightweight short jacket.
Happy to hear your thoughts:
Clothing: - Hiking dress - Lightweight strappy top - Underwear x2 - Socks x2 - Swimming costume - Rab ultralight waterproof jacket in a bag
Sleeping stuff: - Lightweight 700g sleeping bag - Eye mask and earplugs
Shoes: - Merrel hiking sandals - Flip flops
Washing stuff: - Dissolvable washing leaf/paper things - Shampoo bar - Safety pins for hanging clothes - Small ultralight towel
Toiletries: - Toothbrush and mini toothpaste - Floss, interdental picks, Wisps (disposable toothbrushes), retainer brite tablets x4, braces case - I have Invisalign so dental health is v important - Mini mascara - Mini folding hairbrush - Compeed - Cotton wool pads and a small decanter bottle of olive oil for blister prevention - 30ml mini tube of face wash - SPF lip balm - Spray bottle of F50 sun cream - Mini 10ml decanter tub of moisturiser
Medicines: - Vitamin B12 - Melatonin - Hydration tablets decanted into a ziplock bag x10
Electronics:

• Mobile phone
• USB charging cable
• USB plug
• Mini power bank (phone has bad battery)

Misc/extras:

• Light plastic camping spork
• Carabiner
• X2 bin liners
• Waterproof rucksack cover

Water:
X2 500ml bottles
(Not rucksack): Bum bag with passport, pilgrim passport and euros.
Thank you!
EDIT:
Thanks everyone for your help, suggestion and inputs. It’s been really interesting to hear different takes and suggestions.
After some thought, I’ve made some adjustments:

• Sleeping bag replaced by sleeping bag liner -600g approx.
  
• Replace waterproof jacket and bag cover with poncho -150g
  
• Add extra pair of socks and underwear approx +50g
  
• Sandals/flip flops still deciding but may switch flip flops for lighter ones I found online approx -50g
  

Overall reduces it by about 750g :)

Liebe Community,
Ich, m 27, bin ratlos. Alle engen Freundschaften in meinem Leben sind früher oder später zu Ende gegangen. Teils, indem sie sich einfach verlaufen haben, teilweise aber auch, indem ich diese plötzlich aus meinem Leben gecuttet oder geghostet habe. Und bei den jetzigen bin ich gefühlt wieder in einer Sackgasse und weiß nicht, was ich machen soll....
Im Kindergarten- und Grundschulalter war meine Entwicklung noch recht normal, würde ich sagen. Ich hatte ein paar Freunde, mit denen ich gemacht habe, was man halt in dem Alter so macht. Wir spielten draußen Fußball, machten in der Schule die Gruppenarbeiten zusammen und übernachteten, wenn wir durften, beieinander. Es gab immer wieder Streitigkeiten, auch mal Handgreiflichkeiten, aber nie etwas Erwähnenswertes. An dem ein oder anderen Tag ist man beleidigt nach Hause gegangen und wollte seinen Freund nie wieder sehen... bis am nächsten Tag wieder alles vergessen war. Die Freundschaften aus dieser Zeit sind dann in der weiterführenden Schule versandet, ohne jegliches böses Blut.
Auf dem Gymnasium hatte ich ein paar Startschwierigkeiten, da ich niemanden (bis auf 3 Mädchen, igitt) aus der Grundschulklasse kannte, während der Rest sich schon gegenseitig kannte. Doch auch da wurde ich langsam Teil der Klassengemeinschaft und es lief relativ normal weiter. Einen wirklich engen Freund hatte ich aber zunächst nicht. Zu Beginn der siebten Klasse kam dann ein Neuer namens Adrian in unsere Klasse, der niemanden kannte und den niemand kannte. Recht schnell kam ich mit ihm in Kontakt und wir verabredeten uns, um außerhalb der Schule etwas zu unternehmen. Von da an begann eine extrem enge Freundschaft, die elementarer Bestandteil meiner damaligen Lebensphase war. Wir erzählten uns alles, also wirklich alles, alles. Gefühlt jedes Wochenende pennte entweder ich bei ihm oder er bei mir. Ich weiß gar nicht, womit wir diese Unmengen an Zeit ausgefüllt haben, aber langweilig wurde uns anscheinend nie. Die ersten Jahre hat die Freundschaft mir auch extrem viel gegeben, aber aus der heutigen Perspektive betrachtet, hat das ganze auch etwas befremdliches. Es bestand wirklich 95% der mit Freunden verbrachten Zeit, nur aus Treffen zwischen uns beiden. Andere Leute hatten wir beide kaum. Es war eigentlich wie eine Beziehung (nur ohne das körperliche), was ja auch dazu passt, dass sie irgendwann kaputtgegangen ist und heute gar kein Kontakt mehr herrscht. Auf unsere Eltern muss das auch ein wenig seltsam gewirkt haben. Auf den Rest der Klasse hat es das auf jeden Fall, es wurden Witze in die Richtung gemacht. "Das Ehepaar ist wieder da." oder derartiges. Über die Jahre wurde die Freundschaft langsam toxisch. Einer von uns beiden hat immer die beleidigte Leberwurst gespielt. Es wurde immer mehr so eine Rumtaktirerei, es gab immer mehr so ne Art Freundschaftspunktetafel. Ich hoffe, man versteht, was ich meine. Wenn einer sich asi verhalten hat, wurde er vom anderen mit passiv-aggressivem Verhalten bestraft. Wir haben uns gegenseitig nur noch halbe, lustlose Antworten gegeben, keine Begeisterung mehr für Unternehmungsvorschläge vom anderen gezeigt, und so weiter. Wir waren da beide gleich toxisch, würde ich sagen. Was wir außerdem gemeinsam hatten: Wir hatten absolut gar keine Erfahrung mit Mädchen und waren meilenweit von unserem ersten Kuss, geschweige denn sexuellen Erfahrungen oder einer Beziehung entfernt.
Mit 16 kamen wir dann in die Oberstufe und die Klassen wurden zu einer Stufe zusammengefügt, wodurch man auf einen Schlag 100 neue Leute kennenlernte. Ein bereits bestehender Freundeskreis aus ein paar Leuten, Maincharaktere hießen Lukas, Jasper, Paul und Benni nahmen uns (alarmierend schnell) in ihren Freundeskreis auf. Von heute auf morgen chillten wir andauernd mit diesen neuen Freunden. Es war auch die Zeit, wo das Saufen und vor allem das Kiffen so richtig angesagt war. Von nun an wurde jeden zweiten Tag gekifft, zugunsten des Kiffens opferten wir auch gerne mal die ein oder andere Schulstunde. Am Wochende hatten wir die Qual der Wahl: Saufen oder Kiffen? Die einzige attraktive Alternative war Saufen UND Kiffen.
Zwischen Adrian und mir herrschte damals (unausgesprochen) eine Art Konkurrenz. Wir hatten beide auf einmal mehr Freunde als nur uns beide und wollten möglichst gut in dem neuen Freundeskreis ankommen (auch sehr ungesund, wenn ich heute darüber nachdenke). Mir gelang das zunächst ein bisschen besser und ich befreundete mich eng mit Lukas und Benni an, zu denen Adrian nicht so den Draht hatte. Benni ist von allen bis jetzt genannten Namen der einzige, zu dem heute noch Freundschaft besteht. Die verbleibende Person, Paul, entpuppte sich recht schnell als extrem arrogant und niederträchtig. Ich konnte es wirklich kaum glauben, aber dieser Junge hat einen andauernd heruntergemacht, konnte kein Millimeter über sich selbst lachen, wollte einem immer ein schlechtes Gefühl geben, und sich selber als toll darstellen. Ich kann's mir heute kaum erklären, aber ich habe das alles einfach mitgemacht. Wahrscheinlich liegt es bei mir am geringen Selbstwertgefühl, an Konfliktscheue und/oder daran, dass ich es einfach nie besser gelernt habe. Ich habe von Anfang an den Moment verpasst, etwas dagegen zusagen und es dann einfach immer heruntergeschluckt. Bei Adrian war es ziemlich ähnlich, auch er ließ Paul gewähren, ohne irgendwelche Konsequenzen zu ziehen.
Jasper, Adrian und ich bildeten im Verlauf der restlichen Schulzeit ein bisschen ein Trio, wir unternahmen oft Dinge zu dritt und hatten viel Spaß, aber der Vibe war auch oft komisch. Es gab oft irgendwelche GZSZ-Geschichten, es wurde gelästert und alle paar Wochen verschoben sich so ein bisschen die Loyalitäten. Meine eigene Freundschaft zu Jasper konnte ich oft nicht so richtig greifen. Manche Tage waren super, an anderen war er seltsam distanziert, hat nicht auf Nachrichten geantwortet usw. Ich sagte ihm aber nie ins Gesicht, wie ich mich fühlte, die Fähigekit so etwas zu tun ging mir völlig ab. Stattdessen arrangierte mich mit dem, was ich bekam und vermied die Konfrontation. Adrian machte dieselbe Erfahrung, sodass wir uns gegenseitig bei einander ausheulen konnten, wenn wir uns wieder mal von Jasper vor den Kopf gestoßen fühlten.
2014, also mitten in der Oberstufenzeit, traf Adrian eine Entscheidung, die man nur respektieren kann: Er wollte die Unzumutbarkeiten von Paul nicht länger über sich ergehen lassen und bat mich um Unterstützung. Zusammen fassten wir den von ihm initiierten Plan, zusammen zu Paul zu fahren und ihm einmal komplett unser Herz auszuschütten und ihm ungefiltert klar zumachen, was wir von ihm halten. Kurz gesagt: Wir wollten ihm die Freundschaft knallhart kündigen. Gesagt, getan. Wir fuhren also nach der Schule zu Paul und zogen es durch. Obwohl das Gespräch krass war, war ich gar nicht nervös oder angespannt. Es war nämlich einer der wenigen Momente in meiner Freundschaftshistorie, in der ich ohne Angst vor Konsequenzen frei von der Leber meine Meinung sagte. Das tat richtig gut. Paul dagegen war sichtlich getroffen und weinte. Diese Aktion schweißte Adrian und mich wieder enger zusammen. Vorerst. Denn in den nächsten Monaten verhielt ich mich wie ein Arschloch. Ich bin absolut nicht im Reinen damit: Ich fing nach ein paar Wochen an, wieder mit Paul cool zu sein. Ich tat immer mehr so, als hätte es das Trennungsgespräch nie gegeben. Ich schäme mich echt, wenn ich das hier schreibe, aber ich hab einfach eiskalt gesnitcht. Ich war wieder cool mit Paul und warf damit meinen Freund Adrian vor den Bus, der super irritiert und verunsichert war. Ich habe nie offen gesagt "Hey Paul, wir sind wieder Freunde." Aber ich habe einfach so getan, als wär alles wie früher und Paul hat es dankend angenommen. Anscheinend hatte (oder habe) ich gar keine Werte, zu denen ich stehe. Mark Manson, der Autor von "The subtle Art of not giving a fuck" sagt in seinem Buch: "So sehr, wie man andere respektiert, respektiert man auch sich selbst und umgekehrt". Da finde ich mich komplett drin wieder. Ich habe selber kein respektvolles Verhalten mir gegenüber erwartet und auch anderen keines gezeigt. Ich habe offensichtlich drauf geschissen, wie es Adrian geht, wenn ich ihn so hintergehe. Adrian hat dann damals auf jeden Fall ein hartes Urteil gefällt. Er bat mich zum Gespräch und sagte, er habe sich nach all den Jahren der Freundschaft "anscheinend so krass in mir getäuscht." Er meinte, die Freundschaft wird nie wieder sein, wie vorher. Ich war emotional sehr am Arsch nach diesem Gespräch... weil ich dem ganzen nichts entgegensetzen konnte. Er hatte einfach die Wahrheit gesagt.
Nach der Schulzeit dann zog ich zum Studieren in eine andere Stadt. Wie der Zufall so wollte, landete ich in derselben Stadt wie Jasper. Er war bereits direkt nach dem Abi dort hingezogen, ich erst ein Jahr später. Das erste Jahr nach dem Abi verbrachte ich mit verschiedenen Jobs in meiner Heimatstadt. Jasper lebte in einer 3er-WG, die er mit Kommilitonen vor Ort zu Studienbeginn gegründet hatte. Er bot mir an, die ersten Monate dort einzuziehen, ein sehr kleiner Raum war noch frei. Ich nahm das dankend an. Als 19-Jähriger hatte ich keine Ahnung, wie man sein Leben selbst gestaltete und eine Wohnungssuche anging, deswegen schien es mir eine super Option, einfach dort einzuziehen. Es wurde nie richtig kommuniziert, wie lang ich da genau bleiben dürfte. Weder, dass ich da richtig einziehe, noch, bis wann ich rausmuss, wurde kommuniziert. Ich war auch nicht im Mietvertrag drin, sondern lebte einfach ungemeldet für 150 Euro Monatsmiete in bar in einem Mini-Zimmer. In der neuen Stadt hatte ich, wie zu Beginn auf dem Gymnasium, Startschwierigkeiten und hielt mich erstmal an Jasper, seine WG-Mitbewohner und seinen bereits aufgebauten Freundeskreis. Wirklich Bestandteil dieses Freundeskreises wurde ich aber nicht. Genauso wenig wurde ich vollwertiges Mitglied in der WG. Wieder eine Sache, die ich erst heute in der Retrospektive wirklich erkenne: Ich war in dieser WG mehr geduldet, als wirklich gleichberechtigt. Einer von den beiden anderen Mitbewohnern (namesn Frerk) ließ mich das auch ab und zu spüren. Vor Frerk kuschte ich. Heute hätte ich den Anspruch, irgendwo zu wohnen, wo ich auf Augenhöhe mit den restlichen Mitbewohnern bin, und wo meine Anwesenheit nicht nur geduldet, sondern erwünscht ist. Damals hatte ich für so etwas keinen Sinn. Da schließt sich, denke ich, der Kreis zum geringen Selbstwertgefühl.
Die Freundschaft zu Adrian versandete in diesem Zeitraum allmählich. Bei besagtem Gespräch, in dem er mit mir abrechnete, wurde die Freundschaft zwar nicht endgültig beendet, aber es ging spätestens ab da, nie wieder bergauf. Wenn wir uns in den folgenden 2 Jahren sahen, war die Stimmung immer irgendwie komisch. Ich glaube auch, er hat mir mein Verhalten nie wirklich verziehen, da er immer wieder passiv-aggresives Verhalten an den Tag legte. Beispielsweise schenkte er mir zum Geburtstag, dass wir einmal auf seine Kosten Feiern gehen und ließ mich dann aber drum betteln, das einlösen zu dürfen und ähnliches. (Aber derartiges war ja eh seit Jahren nichts ungewöhnliches.) Wir meldeten uns immer seltener beieinander und die Freundschaft ist vor ein paar Jahren endgültig gestorben.
Gleichzeitig lief mein neues Studentenleben in der neuen Stadt weiter. Das Verhältnis zu Jasper änderte sich nicht. Noch immer war ich der, der sich arrangiert. An manchen Tagen bekam ich den kontaktfreudigen, netten Jasper. An anderen bekam ich den Jasper, der nicht mal richtig hallo sagt, wenn man die WG betritt. Mein Umgang damit, nämlich einfach alle Kränkungen herunterzuspülen, war ebenfalls unverändert. Heute ist mir klar, dass diese Strategie mich immer ins Verderben geführt hat. Wenn man sich selber verstellt oder seine Emotionen wegdrückt, dann beginnt ein Kampf mit einem selbst, und den kann man nur verlieren. Die Emotionen stauen sich dann auf und brechen in der Regel früher oder später aus einem heraus. In diesem Fall passierte dies ca. 2,5 Jahre nach meinem Einzug in der WG. Der "Boss" der WG, Frerk, musste für den Master ausziehen. Wir restlichen WG-Bewohner, also Jasper, ich und der andere, mussten eintscheiden, wie wir jetzt weiter vorgehen. Jasper schlug vor, ich könnte doch in das frei werdende Zimmer ziehen. Somit könnten wir aus der 4er WG eine 3er WG machen und weiter dort wohnen. Ich fand die Idee super und sah meine Zukunft weiterhin in der WG. Dann ein paar Wochen später der Schock: Jasper und der andere Mitbewohner sagten mir, sie hätten ihre Meinung geändert. Sie hätten keine Lust, die WG weiterzuführen und haben bereits die Wohnung gekündigt. Innerhalb von 6 Wochen muss ich raus. Das war brutal für mich. Ich fühlte mich hintergegangen, hatte Jasper doch noch vor ein paar Wochen von unserer gemeinsamen Zukunft in der WG gesprochen. Besonders die Tatsache, dass ich gar nicht in die Entscheidung die Wohnung zu kündigen mit einbezogen wurde, machte mich fassungslos. Ich dachte, dass ich nicht offiziell im Mietvertrag drin war, sei lediglich eine Formalität gewesen und das sei ein gleichberechtigtes Zusammenwohnen gewesen. Weit gefehlt. Diesmal ließ ich meinen Emotionen freien Lauf und drückte aus, wie asozial ich das Verhalten mir gegenüber fand. Jasper konnte dem nichts entgegensetzen und fühlte sich, glaub ich, schuldig. Geändert hat das nix, in den nächsten Wochen zog er aus. Ich zog am letzten Tag, den wir die Wohnung hatten, aus. Zum Glück fand ich in der kurzen Zeit einen WG-Platz in der Stadt, sodass ich nicht wieder zu meinen Eltern in die Heimat oder auf die Straße musste. Auf jeden Fall war von diesem Tag an die Freundschaft tot. Ich sah Jasper als Verräter und er unternahm keinerlei Anstalten, die Wogen zu glätten. Bis heute. Über eine gemeinsame Bekannte erfuhr ich, dass er inzwischen Vater geworden ist. Habe ich mich bei ihm gemeldet und gratuliert? Nein.
Nun der letzte und mit Abstand schmerzhafteste Akt in Sachen zerbrochener Freundschaften und Beziehungen. 2018, während meines Bachelors lernte ich zwei neue Freunde kennen, Jannes und Erik. Vor allem zu Erik entwickelte sich rasant eine enge Freundschaft. Es war die perfekte Bilderbuchfreundschaft, wir teilten die selben Interessen, denselben Humor und pushten uns gegenseitig im Studium. Wir hingen jeden zweiten Tag in der Uni zusammen ab und es hat so viel Bock gemacht, ich kann's gar nicht beschreiben. Die Unterhaltungen, die wir führten, hätte man eigentlich aufzeichnen und nen Podcast draus machen müssen. Wir konnten uns den Ball derartig gut hin und herspielen. Nach nem gemeinsamen Tag ging ich mit Bauchschmerzen nach Hause, weil tagsüber ein Lachkrampf auf den nächsten folgte. Jannes war da nicht ganz auf Augenhöhe. Er war auch mehr an einer Freundschaft mit Erik interessiert, als an mir.
Mitte 2019 gründeten wir dann eine 4er WG, Erik, Jannes, ich, plus ein von Erik mitgebrachter Kommilitone. Diesmal sollte alles besser werden. Statt der Bittsteller zu sein, war ich vollwertiges Gründungsmitglied der WG. Zu allem Überfluss hatte ich mit 22 Jahren endlich meine erste Freundin. Ich konnte mein Glück gar nicht fassen. Seit meiner Jungend hatte mich das Thema Beziehungen täglich geplagt. Ich dachte, der Zug sei abgefahren und ich würde niemals eine Freundin finden. Die neue Lebenssituation, geile WG mit geilen Freunden plus Freundin, in die ich komplett verliebt war, war das beste, was mir dieses Leben bis jetzt geboten hat. Ich war glücklich. Doch der Zustand sollte nicht allzu lange halten. Ähnlich wie bei den vorherigen Freundschaften schlichen sich Kränkungen und Respektlosigkeiten mir gegenüber ein, bzw. Aktionen, die ich als solche wahrnahm. Es waren allesamt Kleinigkeiten. Erik war super unzuverlässig, ließ mich häufig warten oder schaffte es gar nicht, Treffen abzusagen, sodass ich wie ein Idiot irgendwo auf ihn wartete. Wieder schluckte ich das meiste davon runter. Ich wollte das nicht wieder über mich ergehen lassen und stellte ihn zur Rede. Es hatte sich bereits Wut bei mir angestaut und so verlief das Gespräch sehr emotional, ich verpasste ihm verbal Ohrfeigen, er reagierte beeindruckt, zeigte Verständnis und entschuldigte sich. Das war wahrscheinlich nicht die beste Art, so ein Gespräch umzusetzen, aber immerhin ein Anfang. Das blöde war nur: Es änderte sich nach diesem Gespräch genau gar nichts. Ich fühlte mich weiterhin regelmäßig respektlos behandelt und nicht wertgeschätzt, Kleinigkeit für Kleinigkeit reihten sich aneinander. Vom Nichteinhalten der WG-Regeln, über langes Wartenlassen bei Verabredungen, bis zu mitten im Gespräch das Handy rausholen und damit spielen, statt zuzuhören. Hätte ich alles davon ansgesprochen, hätte ich 3 mal am Tag das Gespräch suchen müssen. Ab und zu sagte ich mal etwas, aber meistens wählte ich wieder Plan A: Emotionen herunterspülen. Besonders schwer machte es die Tatsachen, dass Jannes gefühlt der Hofstaat von Erik war. Die beiden führten meiner Meinung nach keine Freundschaft auf Augenhöhe. Jannes war der Fan von Erik, kritisierte ihn nicht und spiegelte zunehmend seine Marotten, sein Verhalten und seinen Wortschatz. Sogar seinen Lieblingsfußballverein wechselte er, und war auf einmal Fan von Eriks Verein. In dieser Konstellation hatte ich bei berechtigter Kritik an Erik keine Rückendeckung von Jannes. Im Gegenteil: Jannes wollte es sich lieber nicht mit Erik verscherzen und sprang ihm in solchen Momenten zur Seite. Das hat mich echt wütend gemacht. Zudem fand ich das Verhalten von den beiden erbärmlich. Sowohl, das Verhalten von Jannes, der lieber seine Meinung hinten anstellte und sich Erik anpasste, um die Freundschaft nicht zu gefährden. Als auch das Verhalten von Erik, der es genoss, in Jannes mehr einen Fan zu haben, als einen Freund. Richtige Freundschaft zeichnet ja wohl dadurch aus, dass man dem anderen ehrlich ins Gesicht sagt, was man denkt. Auch Dinge wie "Alter, da hast du Scheiße gebaut, da musst du dich entschuldigen." Jemanden, der komplett unkritisch mit einem ist, würde ich gar nicht als Freund haben wollen. Zumindest in der Theorie weiß ich glaub ich ganz gut, was Freundschaft bedeutet. In der Praxis...naja.
Parallel dazu entwickelte sich meine erste und einzige Beziehung. Das Konfliktvermeiden und nicht aufrichtig die Meinung sagen war hier nochmal schlimmer als in meinen Freundschaften. Ich wollte dieses Riesenglück, was ich auf einmal hatte, auf keinen Fall gefährden und riskierte keinerlei Meinungsverschiedenheiten. Wir sahen uns meistens am Wochenende, da wir nicht in derselben Stadt wohnten. Die zusammen verbrachte Zeit hat mich zwar glücklich gemacht, aber es war auch immer so, dass am Ende eines gemeinsamen Wochenendes ein gewisser Druck abfiel. Ich lief immer wie auf Eierschalen, wenn wir zusammen waren. Ich konnte es irgendwie nicht in den Kopf kriegen, dass meine Freundin mich so liebte, wie ich bin. Irgenwas in mir sagte mir, du bist komisch. Deswegen meinte ich, mich immer verstellen zu müssen, was auf Dauer anstrengend ist. Es ist extrem traurig, aber die komplette Beziehung dachte ich mir "Das ist ja echt ne tolle Frau, mit der ich hier zusammen bin, total lieber Mensch, Hammer Persönlichkeit. Aber was will die denn mit mir?! Das ist ja schon irgendwie komisch, dass die ernstahft mit MIR zusammensein will."
Nicht nur ich, sondern auch sie musste unter meinen Komplexen leiden. Wenn ich nämlich mal wegen etwas genervt war, konnte ich es einfach nicht artikulieren. Das einzige Werkzeug, was ich zur Verfügung hatte, war, den Ärger in mich reinzufressen. Ich habe echt ne Mene Kraft darein investiert, zu versuchen, mir Emotionen nicht anmerken zu lassen. Natürlich ohne Erfolg. Sie hat es immer gecheckt und musste mich dann fragen, was los ist. Das ging ihr verständlicherweise irgendwann auf den Keks. Aber sie hatte sehr viel Nachsicht, andere hätten das, denke ich, nicht so lange mitgemacht. Diese Art Beziehung zu führen, hatte keine Zukunft. Ich glaube, wir haben eigentlich super zusammengepasst und es hätte alles gut werden können. Aber die Art und Weise, auf der ich diese Beziehung gelebebt habe, haben es unmöglich gemacht. Ich machte nach einem knappen Jahr Schluss.
In den Jahren zuvor hatte ich eine Freundin im Spanischkurs kennengelernt, mit der ich mich immer besser verstand. Es war allerdings nur Freundschaft zwischen uns, denn einer von uns beiden war immer vergeben. Bis zu diesem Zeitpunkt. Ich war frisch Single, sie seit nem halben Jahr oder so. Ich war mir sicher, wir würden jetzt zusammenkommen und malte mir bereits die gemeinsame Zukunft mit ihr aus. Ein paar Wochen nach dem Ende meiner Beziehung veranstalteten wir in der WG einen Grillabend. Ich lud besagte Freundin ein und sah die Sache schon in trockenen Tüchern. Ich war mir sicher, heute käme ich mit der Freundin zusammen und alles würde super werden. Doch das Gegenteil war der Fall. Erik flirtete an diesem Abend mit ihr, ich war außen vor. Ich konnte nicht glauben, was da gerade passiert. Es war ein Albtraum. Die aufgestauten Kränkungen der jüngeren Vergangenheit nahmen ihren finalen Höhepunkt. Erik machte sich an das Mädchen ran, von dem er wusste, dass ich etwas von ihr will. Ich habe an diesem Abend so eine unfassbare Wut verspürt, ehrlich, ich kann es gar nicht in Worte fassen. Ohne Witz, ich hätte ihn am liebsten zusammengschlagen. Ich glaube wirklich, so müssen sich Gewaltverbrecher, die später für ihre Taten in den Knast kommen, fühlen. Ich musste so eine Kaft aufbringen, um dagegen anzukämpfen, das war Wahnsinn. Alkohol war natürlich auch im Spiel, der hat das ganze nochmal verstärkt. Irgendwann war der Abend vorbei, ich ging ins Bett.
Am nächsten Tag bekam Erik über die gemeinsamen Freunde mit, wie sauer ich war und wollte sich entschuldigen. Ich war draußen spazieren, brauchte Zeit für mich. Er wollte telefonieren und sich erklären. Ich wollte nichts von ihm hören und schrieb nur so etwas wie "ja ne, ist ok" zurück. Der Rest der WG teilte meine Wahrnehmung von dem Abend nicht zu hundert Prozent. Erik soll sich zwar tatsächlich auffallend gut mit der Freundin verstanden haben, aber das offensive Flirten, was ich wahrgenommen habe, haben die anderen nur bedingt gesehen.
Was soll ich sagen? Ab diesem Tag war mein Leben die Hölle. Ich hab Erik regelrecht angefangen zu hassen und versuchte mit aller Kraft gegen diesen Hass anzukämpfen. Ich sah keine andere Perspektive für mich. Die Freundschaft beenden ging nicht so einfach. Wir waren immernoch WG-Mitbewohner und waren im selben Studiengang, der nur aus ganz wenig Leuten bestand. Ich hätte mir eine neue WG suchen können, aber das wäre nicht von heute auf Morgen möglich gewesen und dann wären wir immernoch jeden Tag zusammen in der Uni gewesen, was ultra unangenehm gewesen wäre. Außerdem hatte die Freundschaft vor allem zu Beginn ja auch so viele tolle Seiten. Ich wollte den alten Zustand unbedingt wiederherstellen und kämpfte wie ein Verrückter gegen meine Gefühle. Aber es gelang mir einfach nicht mehr. Vereinzelt habe ich es hier und da noch für einen Tag geschafft, einen auf gute Laune zu machen. Aber das fühlte sich dann überhaupt nicht gut an und muss aucn auf meine Mitmenschen seltsam gewirkt haben. An solchen Tagen war ich dann eher ein aufgedrehter Clown. Ich konnte mich null entspannen und verfiel in schwere Depressionen. Wochenlang, Monatelang ging bei mir gar nichts mehr, jeder Tag war Qual. Die WG-Situation hat sich auch nicht verändert. Noch immer wohnten wir zusammen. Natürlich merkten alle, dass die Stimmung (vor allem meinerseits) abgefuckt war, aber keiner redete darüber. Zwischen Erik und Jannes war weiterhin alles cool, ich war das Opfer der Konstellation. Die Monate zogen ins Land, ein halbes Jahr später zog Erik aus, um mit seiner Freundin zusammenzuziehen. Ich freute mich darüber insgeheim. Besser wurde es für mich trotzdem nicht. Mein Leben ging den Bach runter, ich begann, alles negativ zu sehen und kam auch in der Uni nicht mehr zurecht. Arbeiten, Lernen, generell das Konzentrieren auf Dinge war mir nicht mehr möglich. Das ganze ist bald 4 Jahre her und ich bin bis heute nicht wirklich aus diesem Loch rausgekommen. Ich bin seit über 3 Jahren im Master und quäle mich da mit 4,0en durch, es macht mir keinen Spaß mehr.
Therapeutische Hilfe hab ich gesucht, aber viel gebracht hat es nicht. Ich habe mich nirgendwo richtig verstanden gefühlt. 2021 habe ich eine Therapie begonnen und abgebrochen und dann Gruppentherapie gemacht, die aber auch nur wenig Erfolg gebracht hat. Selbst bei der Therapie konnte ich nicht ehrlich und offen erzählen, was passiert ist und habe weiterhin versucht, meine Emotionen wegzudrücken.
2022 bin ich für 2 Auslandssemester nach Spanien gezogen, in der Hoffnung dass dort im neuen Umfeld alles besser wird. Doch das wurde es nicht. Der Sprung ins eiskalte Wasser ohne bestehende soziale Kontakte, ohne auf der Muttersprache kommunzieren zu können, war genau das falsche für mich. Ich kämpfte auch dort gegen meine Depressionen und Grübelattacken an. Ihr könnt euch gar nicht vorstellen, wie krankhaft ich über meine Lebenssituation nachgegrübelt habe. Ich weiß bis heute nicht, ob ich nochmal Kontakt zu Erik und Jannes aufnehmen soll und versuchen soll, das Ganze zu klären. Die Gedanken wechseln sich jede Woche ab. Manchmal denke ich, das hat keinen Sinn, das ist Jahre her und das sind Idioten, die ich links liegen lassen sollte. Dann denke ich wieder, die hätten es verdient, wenigstens ne Erklärung von mir zu bekommen. Ghosten ist Scheiße und das habe ich im Endeffekt getan. Andererseits: Wenn ich das Gespräch jetzt suchen würde, was wär dann noch die Perspektive. Könnte man jetzt die Freundschaft wiederherstellen? Würde ich das überhaupt wollen oder würde dann alles wieder von vorne losgehen? Inzwischen ist einfach soo viel Zeit vergangen und ich wünsche mir einfach, wieder ein normales Leben führen zu können. Letztens habe ich Jannes aus Zufall wiedergesehen und er erzählte mir, dass Erik (wie Jasper) inzwischen Vater geworden ist. Auch hier habe ich mich nicht gemeldet. Genau wie im alten Trio (Adrian, Jasper, ich), ist es in dem neuen Trio (Jasper, Erik, ich) so, dass die anderen beiden bis heute engste Freunde sind und ich dem einen nicht mal mehr zum Vaterwerden gratuliere. Ebenfalls in beiden Fällen wurde mir von dem werdenden Vater auch nichts von den Bevorstehenden Vaterfreuden berichtet, da die Freundschaft keinen Bestand mehr hatte.
Seit Februar 2023 bin ich wieder in Deutschland, schlecht geht's mir nach wie vor. Als ich aus Spanien zurückkam, bin ich zunächst wieder in die alte WG (aber in neuer Konstellation) eingezogen, nur der vierte Mitbewohner, also der mitgebrachte Freund von Erik, war noch da, plus neu Eingezogene. Und ihr könnt's euch denken: Auch das hat nicht funktioniert. Die Stimmung in der WG wurde immer beschissener, im Herbst 2023 habe ich dann gesagt, ich will ausziehen. Seit November 2023 wohne ich, zum ersten mal alleine, in einer Wohnung in meiner Heimat. Seitdem geht es mir immernoch sehr schlecht, aber etwas weniger schlehcht, als in den letzten 3 Jahren. An Freundschaften geblieben sind mir zum einen Benni, der in der Oberstufe damals zu meinem Kifferfreundeskreis gehörte, so wie 2 andere Freundeskreise aus der Schulzeit, in denen ich aber irgendwie nur halb drin bin. Außerdem ist noch ein guter Freund aus der Studienzeit geblieben, der nichts mit Erik und Jannes zu tun hatte. Einen glasklaren "besten Freund" habe ich nicht mehr. Manchmal versinke ich in Selbstmitleid und denke mir, ich habe echt Pech mit all meinen Freundschaften gehabt. Aber um nochmal Mark Manson zu zitieren: "Das einzige, was all deine Beziehungen gemeinsam haben, bist du." Wenn es überall schief läuft, ist es wahrscheinlich kein Zufall. Wer denkt, es seien überall nur Geisterfahrer auf der Fahrbahn, der ist offensichtlich selbst der Geisterfahrer.
Ich fühle mich oft einsam und habe wenn ich mich mit den verbleibenden Freunden treffe, teilweise nicht das Gefühl, ich selbst sein zu können. Bei Benni und bei dem Freund aus der Studienzeit ist es ok, bei den beiden Freundeskreisen, in denen ich "halbwertiges Mitglied" bin, nicht wirklich. Kritik von meiner Seite ist dort eher unerwünscht. In den letzten Monaten habe ich bei geplanten Aktivitäten zweimal gesagt, dass ich etwas nicht in Ordnung fand und beide Male, wurde meine Kritik nicht wirklich angenommen. Das Laufen auf Eierschalen ist dort wieder Alltag und ich weiß nicht, was ich machen soll. Ich könnte mich langsam aus den Freundeskreisen zurückziehen, aber spätestens wenn ich ich dann z.B. Geburtstag habe, wäre das ein Schlag ins Gesicht jemanden daraus, nicht einzuladen. Freunde einzuladen, in deren Anwesenheit ich nicht das Gefühl habe, ich selbst sein zu können, ist auch scheiße. Freundschaften kündigen, ohne, dass es dafür einen konkreten Anlass gibt, ist ebenfalls komisch und gesellschaftlich nicht akzeptiert.
Jetzt ist dieser Text länger geworden, als ich dachte und trotzdem habe ich alles nur super rudimentär beschrieben. Ich könnte Romane mit ner genaueren Ausführung füllen. Stand jetzt bin ich auf jeden Fall sehr unglücklich mit meiner Vergangenheit, meinem Verhalten in der Vergangeheit und meiner jetztigen Situation. Es vergeht Jahr um Jahr und ich sehe mich auf der Straße des Lebens in einer Sackgasse. Ich würde mein Leben am liebsten neu starten.
Hat irgendjemand eine ähnliche Lebensgeschichte und möchte sich austauschen oder hat Tipps, wie man wieder Hoffnung schöpft und es schafft, wieder mit sich im Reinen zu sein? Psychotherapie mache ich bereits, ca. der fünfte Anlauf. Vielleicht nehm ich diesen Text in der nächsten Sitzung mal mit zu meinem Therapeuten und lese ihm den vor. Zu verlieren hab ich eh nichts. Die ganzen zerbrochenen Freundschaften sind denke ich inzwischen mit meinen anderen Problemen verzahnt. Durch die Depressionen und soziale Unsicherheit tu ich mich schwer, Freundschaften aufzubauen und zu führen, nehme kleine Kränkungen sehr persönlich. Durch die wenigen Freundschaften, entsteht Einsamkeit und es verstärken sich Depressionen und soziale Angst. Dadurch, dass ich nicht im Reinen mit mir bin und mich selber so ablehne, verstelle ich mich und kann mich neuen Leuten nicht öffnen. Selbst in der Therapie denke ich mir: Wenn ich da alles offen und ehrlich erzählen würde, würd der Therapeut mich wahrscheinlich nicht mehr mögen, bzw. in der Gruppentherapie würden mich die anderen Gruppenmitglieder nicht mehr mögen.