When is it time to let a cat go and walk over the rainbow bridge? 😔 my cat, 8 years, has a number of subtle health problems that just won’t get better now matter how many home remedies and medications I’ve tried. I’ve been to the vet twice and has talked to two vets over chat as well. My insurance doesn’t cover anything that happened before it was started and I started her insurance way too late to cover any of her current problems. I’m Swedish so there might be some language errors and I’ve tried converting Swedish crones to dollars.

1. She has skin flaps folded over her vulva area which is rare and uncommon in cats because of weight problems so she can’t clean herself properly. I’ve tried washing her with wipes everyday and tried washing her with Chlorhexidine every day but it just got worse and she absolutely hated being washed so I noticed her mood got really low during those weeks. I’ve given her expensive diet food for a couple of months but hasn’t noticed any improvements. She doesn’t look or feel overweight and I’ve seen a lot worse heavy cats still being able to clean themselves. She does try but doesn’t reach it seems like. To have surgery and removing the skin will cost me at least 1000$.
   
2. She has plaque on one of her teeth but doesn’t show any symptoms of discomfort when eating at all. Fixing the plaque and everything else connected to it will cost me at least 400$.
   
3. She seems to have problems with her anal glands sometimes and leaks liquid from her anus sometimes (stopped now but might come back). Regularly emptying them at the vet will cost me at least 80$ per visit.
   
4. She has fungus and a lot of built up wax in her ears and had for several years. I’ve tried cleaning them regularly as the vet have suggested but it doesn’t get better. She’s very itchy and has lost some fur around her ears from scratching too much. I’ve tried 4 different medications for her ears. The vet said she doesn’t have ear inflammation. If I were to do a clean up at the vet every week it would cost me at least 70$ every week.
   
5. Her eyes are watery and recently she started squinting with one eye. In that same eye she has a brown spot that wasn’t there last year. Her eyes have been a bit watery last month or so but I thought it was because of the new diet food. She has white fur and pink skin so it’s hard to decide if she’s red/pink as in irritation around the eyes or if it’s just her pink skin. The pupils are the same size from what I can tell and the inner white eyelid is not visible when eyes are open. The vet said that the spot in her eye could be harmless but an exam of the eye from a specialist and tests on the eye will cost me at least 300$.
   
6. Her fur is greasy and doesn’t look or feel as healthy as other cats. I’ve tried giving her different supplements but she doesn’t eat the food when there’s anything else in it. She does clean her fur regularly but it’s like it doesn’t work.
   
7. She has peed outside of the box a couple of times, last time this morning but before that it was over a month ago she did that. I have 3 litter boxes for her and her sister that I clean twice a day.
   

She doesn’t really seem to be in pain though. She’s not playing as much as she used to but she jumps up and down from high places so she doesn’t have any pain in her joints or something like that. She eats and drinks well. She’s not as social as before or as clingy cuddly as before but she doesn’t hide under the bed or sofa or anything like that. She might just be very good at hiding her pain too. I noticed a change in her when I washed her every day and tried ear cleaning every day and she was miserable. That changed when I stopped that and she got happier again from not being handled every day. I sometimes notice her being low when the ears are extra itchy but it’s hard to tell when a cat is low or simply just tired. Both her and her sister sleep a lot and have always did. Her sister is way more active though and plays by herself, comes over to be pet a lot and seems more happy over all. Her sister, 7 years, doesn’t have any health issues at all.
But I feel completely powerless. The prices here in Sweden are insane and there’s been a lot of debate over it. I can’t afford to treat her of all the problems she have. I’m mentally ill and lives off of welfare checks and it’s a miracle I’ve been able to to go the vet at all. To get bloodtests done to see if she has some disease that makes her have all of these problems will cost me at least 200$. I love my cat so much and she’s been my baby since I got her 6 years ago from a shelter.
But what else can I do but keep her as happy as possible until I can afford to put her down? When is it time to let go? When is it time to accept that I’ve turned myself inside out because of this cat and it doesn’t get better? My boyfriend is so angry with me that I am thinking of putting her down but I don’t know what do to. I can try to save up some money to see a vet again but it will take me a couple of months.
I just need some advice or some support. I know this is a long one.

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/throwrankfofo
Originally posted to AITAH
Original Post: December 20, 2023
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 1.5 years. The relationship is great, but the sex is bad. We’re both 22 and very healthy.
Lately (past several months) he can’t even finish during sex. We’ll have sex, and he’ll go soft, and then we’ll have to try again, and it repeats. This’ll sometimes go on for over an hour, and then it occasionally ends with me crying and him being mad and frustrated. Occasionally he’ll end up finishing. It’s so annoying and I hate it, but I don’t know what more I can do. And he always makes me finish first, whether or not we have sex.
I’ve tried everything. I give him head. I do positions I don’t feel comfortable with to try to make him happy. I bought lingerie for him. I’m so embarrassed and none of it works. He always has a different excuse for why the sex doesn’t work. Sometimes it’s “I’m stressed” or “I’m tired” or “I just don’t know” or “it’s because of the condom”, yesterday it was “I just wasn’t turned on”.
He always complains about it, he doesn’t count it as sex unless he finishes so we could have sex one day and it’ll be bad and take hours and the next day he’ll be complaining saying it’s been weeks since we’ve had sex and he feels so “frustrated” and “pent up”. He always gets mad when he doesn’t finish too and it’s overall just very upsetting for both of us.
I don’t think I can take it anymore, but I don’t know what to do. I can’t just keep spending hours of my life crying and being stressed when I just want to have sex. It’s not fair.
AITA for being this upset and considering ending an otherwise great relationship over bad sex?
AITAH has no consensus bot, but based on the comments, OOP received mixed reactions
Commentator has advised OOP not to pressure her boyfriend any further if he wanted to stop and asked if he possibly has some concerns

OOP: I have told him it’s fine. I’m usually the one who wants to stop when he doesn’t finish, and that’s where the problem comes in. He takes about 10 minutes just to get hard, so imagine me giving him head for 10 minutes. Then us having sex for about 1-2 then he stops being hard. Then I have to wait another 10 minutes while he jerks himself off so we can do go another 1-2 minutes, and continuing like that. So we’ve talked about it and I said we shouldn’t keep going after he stops. He has ignored that and kept going because it always ends so quickly and he cares about finishing and gets upset about not finishing. So I have to lay there, naked thinking about how my boyfriend can’t get hard, values an orgasm more than the boundary we’ve set, and worrying about if we’ll ever have good sex, and it sometimes leads to me crying

Comfortable-Slice245: Forcing you to have sex for hours so he can get off sounds to me like manipulation and sexual abuse. I understand that maybe you are a willing participant to an extent but I'd be fucking traumatized to have to have sex for hours with a limp dick. I would tell him to address it with his doctor and possibly refrain from porn. I don't think there's anything you're doing wrong and you shouldn't be getting upset about it. If he doesn't want to fix things medically then I would dump him

OOP: Okay thank you. It’s really hard to explain to someone who hasn’t been in that situation but just like he physically can’t get hard I physically can’t stop myself from getting emotional when it happens. Ill be sitting there with my legs spread apart or something and just waiting for minutes while he tries to get hard again and at some point I just feel embarrassed. It’s really stressful and saying “just don’t get upset when it happens” isn’t as easy as it sounds  

Update: December 22, 2023
I really appreciate everyone’s advice and suggestions on my previous post. I wanted to address some of the comments that I received. It’s currently winter break so we are spending a few days apart from each other, so I’m taking this time to focus on myself, reflect, and thinking about what I want to do and say when I see him again.

1. Porn- I’ve talked about this with him. He says he doesn’t watch it (anymore). He could be lying. There was one point about 3 months into our relationship where he told me he was done watching porn and I saw a new note on his phone with a list of porn stars names. But I haven’t seen anything like that since. I do understand it’s the most likely cause, but if he won’t admit it there’s not much I can do.
   
2. Gay- Idk? All I can say is I hope not. If he’s gay, he’s good at faking his attraction to me.
   
3. Stressed- I saw a lot of people mention anxiety, and he does not have anxiety (I do), but I can see stress being a possible cause. Specifically he mentions being stressed about work and finances a lot. He also doesn’t get a ton of sleep.
   
4. Drugs- He doesn’t do drugs. He drinks occasionally.
   
5. Health issues- I have asked him to see a doctor. He hasn’t yet. I guess I’ll ask him again. I also only saw it mentioned once in the comments but I want kids in the future and it would be completely devastating to not be able to because of something related to this.
   

My plan is to talk to him and ask him to see a doctor and hopefully he can get the problem fixed. I love him, but I feel like sex shouldn’t be this stressful and I don’t know how much more I can do it. If anyone has other advice for how I can talk to him about it, I’d like to hear it.  
Update #2: January 30, 2024
I posted on here originally a couple months ago about how terrible my sex life is with my boyfriend (https://www.reddit.com/AITAH/s/f6BSkoQ3Iy).
We talked about it again, and it turns out that he’s not happy with our sex life either. His opinion was that we don’t have sex as often as we used to, and I don’t give him enough head. We spent way too much time talking about it, and when I brought up seeing a doctor he told me he already did. He told me he had an online appointment where they told him he had low testosterone and that he needed to change his diet.
I pretty much reached a breaking point after we had sex one day. He couldn’t finish and was talking to me about what I need to do to make it better and I just told him that I couldn’t handle all of the talking about sex. That clearly our sex life sucks, and constantly talking about how bad it is isn’t helping. I was close to just breaking up with him in the moment at that point because I was so stressed. He said we don’t have to talk about it anymore.
Our sex has improved a tiny bit. I noticed he started taking Blue Chews without telling me. I wish he didn’t have to. Sometimes he’s still soft while I’m giving him head or can’t finish when we have sex. I might never know what it’s like to have a boyfriend who gets hard just from looking at me, but maybe I’ve reached the point of acceptance?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
icanschwim How are you supposed to resolve the issue if you don't want to talk about it? It seems like you are both acknowledged there's a problem, but what's next? Stopping communication about it and exclaiming that your sex life sucks isn't exactly going to help anything?
Why? You said you didn't want to talk about it. Looks like he's trying to find a solution, but even then, it's only temporary.

OOP Our conversations about it just aren’t productive. He asks for more sex, but can’t perform. I ask for him to just be able to stay hard and finish for one round, and he says our sex is boring and we need to change it up. It’s like nothing is ever good enough and instead of working towards a resolution there’s just always another complaint and it’s the same things over and over again in circles  

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #3May 5, 2024
My now ex boyfriend (23m) of two years abruptly texted me (23f) a couple of weeks ago saying he wasn’t happy anymore. I tried to call him and he said he’d call me back later. I called again later and he ignored it again and just texted “I’m done.”
For a couple days I still wasn’t really sure if he wanted to talk about things, and kept trying to call or text him, but I was ignored.
He told me that text saying he wasn’t happy was him breaking up with me and he thought it was obvious.
I saw him in person yesterday, since we wanted to try being friends. I started talking about all of my plans for the future, which included moving states and traveling. He got upset and started crying. Asking if I’d really just leave him like that. And I was like thinking huh you left me? Why are you mad I’m moving on?
But then he started saying he was still in love with me and still wanted to be with me, and when he sent that text I wasn’t supposed to just accept it, I should’ve driven over to his place and begged for him back and done everything that he texted saying he wasn’t happy about. I didn’t know that because like I said, he wouldn’t even answer my calls or texts, but I guess that was part of the whole game.
AITA for not begging my boyfriend to still date me when he broke up with me?
RELEVANT COMMENTS
Bencil_McPrush I guess things with the other girl didn’t work out.

OOP When he first broke up with me, that was definitely my first assumption. I have no way of knowing for sure. He vehemently denies it, but the last time he ghosted me (because this was in fact the second time) it was because he was giving his attention to another girl (not cheating though). So fool me once and all that. We’re definitely over  

Fancy-Huckleberry845 After looking through your post history, I really hope your next post is "my new partner and I have earth shatteringly fantastic sex all the time". There are partners out there who will want you to orgasm even if they don't, who can get soft and just move on to giving you oral or something without ever making you feel like it's your fault. I hope you find a person like that now that you're free of this asshole.

OOP I’m hoping for the same, trust me.  

TLDR
1) Do you get suspicious of people who seem to tick all your boxes or feel some strange urge to sabotage it?
2) If you were slightly out of shape would you be doubly suspicious of interest from someone really fit looking?
______
I ask because in the past year I've briefly dated two women who I seemed to have a perfect connection with - our humor values and even interests lined up completely and there was strong sexual chemistry.
Both ghosted me after abruptly after about a month.
Sometimes it's real obvious when you fuck up. Came on too strong and unsettled them. Didn't make a move soon enough and bored them. Did something socially inept. Or you just had no chemistry. (Strangely enough unless I really drop the ball these less than ideal dates are usually more keen to see me again)
Not only can I not think of anywhere I fumbled with these two women, but I can't actually imagine them having much better dates - they were open about how much they enjoyed my company and found me attractive, even joking about planning our honeymoon, how I was so refreshing after all the deadshit guys they've met (which is kinda sad since I wasn't prince charming I was just treating them with respect).
Anyway I was talking about it with a friend recently and she admitted that when she has met someone who seems to tick her boxes her inner cynic warns her that they must be hiding something and before she got therapy she said some self sabotaging part of her told her she didn't deserve them, and pulled the pin.
Both these women seemed really well put together, educated, mature etc I wouldn't have dated them otherwise, so it never crossed my mind that they might feel this way.
At risk of sounding like an arrogant prick I'm very tall, classically quite handsome and have a good sense of humor and can be charming - the women I'm most into aren't barbie dolls, they're attractive but I do prefer women with a few extra pounds (I would say curvy but most people immediately think of the Kim K hourglass body type with enormous boobs and booty which isn't really what I'm attracted to - more like a natural womanly body with softness, think like a young mum a few months after giving birth. I find other types pretty but not really sexually attractive).
Anyway I was a bit hesitant but I mentioned my physical preferences to this friend and she told me that could be another reason to be suspicious - that if a woman is insecure about her body (as most chubbyish women probably are unfortunately) they might wonder why a fit looking guy is showing such interest, and at worst they might assume he's just trying to get laid. Again that had never really crossed my mind. I guess there are enough horny dickbrain guys who will say and do anything for the chance to sleep with someone they're barely attracted to.
Could it also be that if a woman deems a guy to be really desirable, she's more worried he'll become unsatisfied with her and potentially cheat or leave?
It seems insane to pull the pin when things seem to be going really well, but stranger things have happened and I know I've sabotaged myself in different ways especially when I'm feeling insecure.
Of course it could literally just be that they met someone else or something happened in their life or I did something that turned them off.
I guess I'll never know, but it annoys the hell out of me because it seems to happen with the women who I actually really like, and how am I supposed to improve if I don't even know where tf I'm going wrong?
And if someone does assume I'm just trying to get laid, how am I supposed to prove them wrong if they don't even give me a chance?
Can anyone weigh in on their thoughts or better yet their experiences?
Peace

Mini serial up in my head for a while. Writing after 10 years pause, please go easy on me. No hfy yet, just setting things up.
........................
Looking up towards the orbital ring, through dirty plexiglass roofing, James wipes his forehead and furrowed his eyebrows. The ring, known to the local as Halo Station due to the yellow sun glinting off of it when the angle is right, was an ugly strip of brutalist sunshade in James's opinion. It had been hastily constructed over the course of five years with government of private fundings, with the local bureaucrats and politicians the most well off from the scheme. The locals, third generation from the initial colonisers, had been opposed to government postings from the hub worlds but was strong armed by the mining and agriculture conglomerate to accept it. There were of course altercation between the locals and the conglomerate but anything larger than a demonstration were heavily suppressed with threats of cutting off vital terraforming supplies. The uneasy tension lasted until the ring orbital proposal was announced, with the locals divided in two camps. One was in favour, their thinking was that the station would bring attention of the wider human communities to their plights. The opposing view is that it would only bring more corporate interest to their system, with the oppressions and wealth discrimination that their forefathers escaped from to this new world in the first place.
James was of neither the opinions. He was planning on hitchhiking across the frontier worlds, edges of the explored galaxy, relying on his knowledge and skill of hydroponics to earn his living. He empathise with the locals, as he was ine himself, but knew that corporate greeds is as inescapable as taxes and death. The only thing keeping him from despairing the future was the tiny sum his family saved up. He wasrecently orphaned, but his parents were rather well off when they were alive, working on the water treatment plants of the terraforming complex, before an influx of dissolved salts from a hydrothermal vents eruption caused a chlorine gas build up, leading to an explosion when they were doing maintenance on the gas extraction chamber. James was thankful that at least his parents passed away painlessly, but the funeral arrangements had cut into the family funds. It was due to this that he was still stuck on the half terraformed planet.
"Penny for your thought?" asked a hoarse gravelly voice. One would be forgiven for thinking the owner of the voice a male. A frail looking woman with grey hair peered up at James from behind a trellis supporting vines of red pod peas. "Counting down the days the merchant trader will pick me off this pile of dirt," James replied, "Not that I don't see why you would want to stay here." "Can't get the theiving bastards to give me my insurance money otherwise." The woman scowled. " Speaking about that, how's the surgery going? Inhaling that much chlorine would put anyone out of action, not that I'm not thankful for pulling my parents out of there. The company would've let them dissolved if they had their way." James asked the woman. "Well, the off world volunteer doctors bumped me up cue and if lady luck don't interfere, I'll be fully recovered by the end of the local year." she replied with a chuckle then a cough. The planet they are on has a 22 hours day but 976 days per year. This has made the locals used phrase 'end of the year' as a joke for deliberately slow bureaucracy, especially when the government is the one paying. Elisabeth was working with his parents when the accident occured, a toilet break saving her from the experience. She was trained as a first reponder and had taken it up on herself to at least recover the remains of her colleague and friend. Either due to cost cutting or by sheer incompetence, the recently cleared hazmat suit she took from the emergency storage had a leaking hose and she had barely survived. James was grateful for her action and offered her a job in his mostly automated hydroponic farm as she waits for the company to pay her insurance as she can no longer do heavy manual labour. James was going to transfer all his business to her as thanks when he got off planet but had told her yet. "I hope you recover fully," James smiled at the not bad news, "I'm going to give you this farm and the house after I leave. You've been a good friend to the family and I'd to see you suffer because of a good deed." Elisabeth looked thoughtful for a moment then nodded, realising that James was resolved. "I have no need for more money than what I need to survive, I'll send any profits left from the farm to you. You'll need it if you're going to gallavanting around the galaxy." Elisabeth said with a firm tone, or slightly deeper and hoarser to James's ear. "It'll also be somewhere to return to if the galaxy doesn't agree with you. A journey isn't complete if you haven't return and all that." she added. James was expecting this and knows that she won't change her mind. "I'll drop by with souvenirs whenever I come near this part." James said. The rest of the day went by as usual. As James finished checking the monitoring terminal in preparation for the night, a message popped up on his iris implant. He checked the message as he exited the decontamination airlock:
Dear James,
I hope this finds you well. I hate to impose on paying customers but a good friend of mine needs somewhere hole up for a few days on your planet. He has his own ship and offered to take you anywhere you wish after he finished offloading his cargo to the orbital. I have given him your contacts and attached his along with his headscan. I am terribly sorry for taking liberties but I hope you find this a good deal.
Sincerely,
Cpt. Frank Rowe
James was surprised but didn't mind it that much as he had empty rooms and he'll save some money. He quickly went into his sonic shower booth and tapped off a reply to the captain and his guest. He was preparing to cook some of the ripe tomatoes and eggplants he harvested today when Elisabeth came out of her room. He had asked her to moved into his guest bedroom when she started working on his farm and they had been having meals together since. It helped the make the house more lively and Elisabeth liked his cooking. "I don't know if it's the fresh produce or your cooking that make something mundane taste this god." Elisabeth said in between bites, "Either way, I'll miss this when you go. I'll have to remember to scan this into the automeal." "It'll be close but the Dad's recipe needs more dressing oil and salt than the standard automeal will allow. It won't be too unhealthy if you work and sweat enough for two people." James grinned, "My parents always debated this over dinner." "That reminds me about the workload. I will have to automate the fish feeder, my lungs are about done by the time I finished checking the fruit bins," Elisabeth said. "I'll dial in the settings tomorrow, you'll only need to top up pellets." replied James.
That night James got a reply from the guest confirming he will take up the offer. The guest will arrive in two days and James planned to offer his own room. He had not touched his parents bedroom since the accident and he is going to tidy up the room as a farewell. He did not look forward to spending a night in the room but he knows he will regret not doing something to mark off the end of his stay in this house.
On the day of the arrival, James woke up and looked at himself in the mirror. His curly brown hair that he got from his mother was growing out past his liking, along with the light stubble he put off shaving due to being busy setting up the farm for a one person operation. His grey eyes was sparkling and lively, despite waking up an hour before his usual time. He was excited since he will be departing tomorrow and had finished packing last night. After confirming with Elisabeth that everything is working fine in the farm, he left her to get used to the new routine to prepare lunch. A flying taxi touched down as he fished out a large pizza from the oven. He wiped his hands and went to greet his ticket off the planet. A short stocky man climbed down, his skin, where visible was deeply tan, highly unusual for a ship captain travelling long journey through deep space. His dark hair fluttered in the wind and brown piercing eyes take in the rural sight. His glance fell on James and smiled a toothy grin. "You must be the owner of this lovely estate!" he bellowed out with a thick accent James can't place. James walked up to him, offered his hand, and they shook. "James Howard, looking forward to getting on your ship." James replied, a bit put off by the excitement from the man. "Miguel, Miguel Emille. Captain of the Flying Snail. I am very thankful for your hospitality at such short notice. The corpo here kicks the captain off their ship! Imagine that!" James looked around for security drones, a bit fearful of being reported for sedition. The captain looked at him, confused, then in understanding, "Ah, one of those world? Say no more. I won't put my passenger in danger." "Is it not the same where you are from? That's why I'm trying to get off the planet." James asked. "No, I grew up and works mainly for the frontier colony. This one is a special favour for the captain that you contacted for a lift. Contract for some heavy metal isotopes from one of the asteroid mining station for one of your 'esteemed' governer." Miguel winked.
The rest of the day passed by uneventfully, with Miguel switching between telling news of the outer colonies and checking his ship's security cameras. The next morning, James and Elisabeth had a tearful farewell before heading off towards one of the pillar supporting the orbital that doubled as cargo elevator. As they rise, James takes a look at the purple and green landscape falling below. He could see the curvature of the planet right as they enter the orbital. He took a picture of his homeworld, intending to put into his journal to mark the start of his journey. The maglev took them towards the internal docking area, James looking out then windows at the opulence of the wealthy living in the station. As they walk towards the flying snail, they were jossled around wnd forced to stop a few times by the workers and machineries bustling around the dock. James took in the sight of the Flying Snail as they approached, staring at the size and unusual roundedness of the ship, in contrast to the blocky and angular ships standard for most space vehicles. "Custom made on Mariana IX station, designed by my grandfather. A great advertisement for my business and comfortable quarters too. And not as slow as the name suggests" Miguel said as he looked at not a few workers staring at his ship. The advertisement mentioned was stencilled in bright red cursive letters on bare metal, in contrast to the ship's black blocky registration number. As they made their way to airlock, passing the the ship's closing cargo door, an inspector passed Miguel a datapad to sign off. "Cargo confirmed received, payments are being processed by customs due to the new tax coming into effect yesterday. You shouldn't lose much with the currency exchange," the inspector said after looking the form over, " you are clear to depart when traffic control indicates." The inspector turn to another ship busy loading cargo, not waiting for a reply. Miguel lead James through the airlock to his room, a larger than standard room furnished with wooden furniture and upholstered, unheard of in a spaceship from the hub worlds. "Get yourself comfortable then join me on the bridge. The ship AI will help you with the layout. No need to address me as captain since it'll only be the two of us until your destination. I'll be going around looking for government approved bugs. Corporate overlords never can get the idea of privacy." Miguel said before leaving James to unpack. James look around the room, trying to wrap his head around the decor. It was as if someone stole a museum exhibit then use it to furnish a spaceship. He unpacked his luggage, looking around for a storage locker, before putting his meager clothings into a dark wood wardrobe. He then set off to put his toiletries in the attached bathroom before being shocked at the size and items he saw. A large oval mirror hangs on the wall above porcelain basin, with an archaic brass and glass shower cubicle with valves and pipes off to the side. He consdered the logistics of internal plumbing and water storage on the ship for a moment before shaking his head, "Might as well enjoy the luxuries. If this isn't a great start, I don't know what is."
After he finished, James head out of his room then froze as he peered into the corridor. The sterile white panelling had turned into stained wood, the harsh lighting into warm yellow glow from what looks like wall mounted lamps. He turned to look back at his room to see the standard white panelling was still there. He decided to ask the AI for directions to the Captain, "Ship? Where's the bridge?" "Please find the ship map in the mailbox behind the door," a synthetic female voice chimed out. He looked at the automatic sliding door and noticed it had changed to a wooden hinged door with a basket below a metal slot. He grabbed a rolled up brown paper bundle from the basket, unrolling it to seems to be hand drawn diagram of the ship. Other details such as crew members list and meal times are neatly list in one corner. He closed the door before following the map. He was not surprised to find his name engraved below the room number on the brass plaque on the door.
James was apprehensive about finding anything on the ship but there were signs jutting out from the wall at each intersection, surrounded by decorative metalwork in forms of flowers, pointing to major locations. The flooring hard changed from patterned wood to being carpeted the closer he is to the bridge. He finally arrived at a double door, with a plaque indicating that it was indeed the bridge, and he wondered if he should knock. He decided not to, and swung open, to hear a bell ring as the door opens. "James! Come strap yourself in. How do you like my ship?" Miguel was seated on what looks like a couch in the centre of the room, looking at a large screen. The screen shows the outside of the ship, which was the landing bay blast door, still shut. "It's nice but too much like a museum piece to be flying around," James responded, "Isn't it against regulation and too hazardous if the grav generator fails?" "That's why I set the nanites to change to standard whenever I dock. Changed back to what my grandpa designed when we're clear for take off," Miguel answered, " also cleared out to bare walls with carpeting whenever there's an emergency. Only ever happens once in all my years of flying." James had heard of nanites but wasn't aware that it could be used on ships. "The ship was supposed to be a private cruiser for a hubworlder, but he backed out of deal so the swimming pool and hydrotherapy areas was converted into the cargo hold," Miguel added.
James strapped himself in a plush fabric covered armchair near the screen. As he figured out the buckle, the comm beeped then a voice called out, " landing bay E42 cleared. All ships ensure airlock and cargo door are closed before depressurisation in 15 minutes." "Hal, check the doors and prepare for take off," Miguel said. "Sorry captain, I cannot do that." "Stops scaring the passengers. Maybe it's time you watch some modern movies." A huff sounded before the AI replied, "Aye aye, Captain." "She always does that, scaring the living daylight out of my last crew when she pretended to lock the airlock during EVA," Miguel sighed, " i don't know what my Pa was doing, feeding her all that old robot uprising movies." "I thought she was just a basic navigation AI when I asked her for directions." "Yeah, she does that to make people let their guards down before springing the 'Exterminate!' stuff on them. That's why my last crews all signed off." "Isn't that bad on you?" James asked, "also your reputation won't be good." " It's fine, I mainly take on crews for company. Most contracts I got are from fellow captains needing to take orders from regulars but are to far out to accept. She got the latest repair drones and all nanites tech to take care of all damages, excluding only jump core explosions," Miguel smiled.
They waited in the bridge, chatting about life in space and homicidal AI, with Hal, James learned shortened from Haley and pronunciation changed courtesy of the AI herself, chiming in when the checks are done. "Landing bay E42 depressurised in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Landing bay depressurised. All ships clear to take off in E42 once landing bay door fully opened. Green light will light up when ready for manually piloted crafts. Halo orbital thanks you for your business." The traffic controller speaks through the comm, indicating he is a native. Off-worlder would usually call the station 'The Regina's Ring' after the planet. Once the door slides open fully, ships start to go out in rows. When it was the Flying Snail's turn to take off, a hologram of Hal appeared besides the captain's couch and the ship starts to move out slowly in formation, coordinating with the other ships. Once the Flying Snail cleared the door, Hal spoke, "Captain, there's any energy spike reading in the aft sensor. No details on origin available due to station's plating. Seems to be mostly neutrons" "Perhaps someone forgot to shut their cargo door. Probably transporting tritium or helium three. Put up shield just to be safe."
The captain's decision turns out to be just in time as a heavy blast blew the ships out of the orbital. Alarms started wailing and James was pushed back into his seat. "Damage report!" Miguel shouted over the alarms and a diagram of the ship's system popped up on screen. "No structural damage, low EMP, main computer rebooting, shields down to 60 percent," Hal replied mechanically, "Reboot complete. Putting rear view on screen." The screen shows a large explosion on the inner ring side, dropping debris onto the planet below. The alarms turned off as Hal reports, "Ring appears to be holding. Debris calculated to fall on low population area and ocean. Minimal damage to civilians and properties." " There's that at least. Are we expected to help?" Miguel asked. "Negative, the station order civilian vessels to clear the area. No detention order." "Good, get us to the jump point. James, you got a destination?" Miguel turns to look at James. James was still trying to recover from being slammed into his seat, saved from concussions by the seat's padding. "I need to check on Elisabeth," James said as he reached for his wristcom. He then saw an incoming video call from Elisabeth. He sighed in relief as he picked up the call. "I'm glad you're alright. Exciting starts to your trip, eh?" Elisabeth said after seeing James. "Good to see you unharmed too. Did the emergency broadcast says anything?" James asked. "They were saying no damage to those living below. The corporate news network was saying it was the work of the anti-hub government groups." Elisabeth said with a grimace, "trying to weasel out of responsibility if you ask me. I need to check the farm systems in case anything went down. Safe trip out there, I don't want to cry for the second time today," Elisabeth was starting to tear up as James tried to reply before the call cut off. "All's well that ends well," Miguel said as James gathered himself, "good to see her safe. So, destination?" James thought for a moment then replied, "I've never been anywhere further than the Halo. I was thinking of getting off at the last stops but I'm the only passenger here so I think I'll get off wherever your next business ends." " Fine by me. I'm going back three system on my route here, pick up some cargo and or crews, then out to the frontiers," miguel said to James then turn to Hal, " You remembered the station with extra medical supplies looking for buyers? Set destination there." " Aye captain. Arriving at jump point. Jumping in 5 seconds," Hal said before starting the count down. The jump drive, the second most popular after warp, generates a wormhole from Lagrange points. The energy requirements is higher than warp but the near instantaneous travel time is highly value by merchants and diplomats alike.
The jump starts without a hitch and they exited into a red dwarf system. As they make they way towards a spherical station above a green gas giants, they were hailed on all frequencies as the screen starts to shows an armada of black pyramids blockading ships trying to enter and leave the station. The screen suddenly flickers then shows a black upside down triangle with glowing blueish white lights runni ng on its surface. The speakers blared out a high pitch voice, " Bags of mostly water our flattest desire exchange thinking patterns. Flattest yours here deliver. Airwaves produce expect agreement." This broadcast then repeats itself. "Ain't this the strangest day of my life," Hal said loudly. "Exciting first day for our passenger here for sure," Miguel added. James just stared blankly at the screens.
.......................

Hello. I'm a composemulti-instrumentalist about to start my master's in the fall and I wanted some advice about going into academia. I know it's super hard and that very very few get a job but I was wondering if it it's still as extremely difficult depending on where you go to school/how your resume looks.
So far, I've graduated at the top of my class at a top 50 state school with a decent program and I'm going to what I'd consider a top 10 master's program. I've also gotten several commissions at this point and even though they haven't paid much, it's still something for the resume. I've also attended/performed at 10 or so festivals and had an internship with a decently known collective. Lastly, I'm also working on getting an essay I wrote published right now but the status on that is still unconfirmed. Will all of this put me ahead of the pack in any way if I continue progressing/building my resume at this rate? I feel like even if I didn't have a goal of becoming a professor, I'd still end up going to get my PhD just because I love learning, but at the same time, it's nice to know as much info as you can which is why I'm reaching out. With this being said, I'm by no means trying to brag about my current accomplishments. I'm simply saying all of this so you can get an idea of where I'm at right now.
Does anyone with past experience in either attempting to pursue an academic career or actually having one have any advice about this? I know it'll still probably be a crapshoot when I start applying but any info would help as I'm just trying to figure out my options/back up plan right now.

CAL. MAIOR. LUDI FLORES. NEW MOON OF THE THIRD MONTH.

Salve salve, Jaguar Warriors at the Flower Games!
There seems to have been quite a lot of writing done over the last month, as I look back over it: one little book almost finished and two little books started. All of them niche within niche within niche – mere exercises in rhetoric and utterly meaningless; we have not refuted abramic religion, nor solved the matter of politics, nor cured mental illness – quite in fact we have been simply writing elaborate epigrams in the style of M. Valerius Martialis, as Chrysippus did and as Plato and Galen did, and so on and so on. Quite in fact, over this last month, my greatest accomplishment in my opinion was none of these exercises in rhetoric but that time when I improved upon the fish-feed mechanism in my garden and repaired the roof, as: those are tangible things, you understand, far superior to the phantasms of political affairs, grande narrative and “putting the world right” that preoccupies so those dusty labyrinthine passages in the minds of Men and Women; as: all desire, as Bastiat observed, to clamour that someone else sweep the floor when they could themselves be sweeping the floor – mere laziness. I am inclined to approve of the great-great-grandmother of yours, reader, who would have lifted your skirt or pulled down your Vikingr lodbrok and turned your bare arse the colour purple with a broomstick for being so work-shy; indeed, mad and lunatic in that moment of action, she would nevertheless be correct in her intuition that if she did not do such a thing to you that you would never learn the lesson as none else would care to trouble themselves to give it to you; being overly concerned of the matter of their own self-image, and thus a village and thus a township and thus a peoples would wither on the vine; their vintage never even realized - much less sampled, and much much less facilitating progenition.
Here, let us honour Octavian Caesar’s favourite pastime, in the spirit of the Flores, and roll the dice; let us pick a book and a page and a verse at random, and see what M. Valerius Martialis has to say at this juncture:
O’ thank the Lares it is short and praise be that it mentions Grapes! That would be the equivalent of rolling a double six, on a pair of dice each with 750 sides, you understand.

Galbina (a type Woodpecker)’s quills are cheated and her wings bound by nets;

Galbina decipitur calamis* et retibus ales,

writhing and swollen; all gone green over a mere raw grape.

turget\* ad hoc viridi cum rudis uva mero.*

M. VALERIUS MARTIALIS, BOOK 13, VERSE 68

\calamis: feather, pen, quill.*
\*either ‘turget’ is either to be translated as ‘swollen’ (from: turgida) (as it is in Bohn’s version) or it is ‘twist, torment, distorted’ (from: torqueo; pertorqueo, extorqueo, etc.), with the latter “tor-go-eo” (or “tor-gwa-eo”) more phonetically closer to the otherwise inexplicable word ‘turget’ “tor-geet”, so I just use both – probably it is the latter since it offers a better image of “writhing under a net”.*
Honestly it beggars belief how Bohn missed this one; I mean: what sense does this make:

“The (Woodpecker) is trapped by reeds and nets, while the grape, yet immature, swells with green juice.” Bohn’s Classical Library (1897)

Obviously the ‘joke’ is that the woodpecker who sought to eat the green raw grape has turned green through exertion and terror as consequence of being snared by the use of the green raw grape as bait. The reader may understand why I have such confidence in the worth of my own amusements here as that many of these Epigrams even in their most basic sense of overt verbatim import, let alone their deeper profundities, seem to sit utterly unrealized.
Such is true also, I suppose, of the contents of our index page,

• TRUE SELF AND EGO DEATH; THE ERADICATION OF THE FALSE; SUPERFICIAL, SELF THE EXTRICATION FROM PATHOS (2) also a video supplemental from McKenna on “the ego of the false self; ego as a construct of culture”
• QUICK THOUGHT ON HOW NARCOTICS CAME TO DOMINATE PSYCHOLOGY IN THE WEST; “INNER SELF AND INNER WORLD” AS THE EGO CONSTRUCT OF THE FALSE SELF VS. “CAUSES OF THINGS” IN THE EXTERNALWORLD, OR JUNG VS FREUD
• IT’S NOT “WOKE”, MATE, IT’S LATE STAGE CAPITALISM H.G. WELLS INTERVIEW WITH STALIN (1934) (1)
• THOUGHTS ON THE UNDUE CONCRETENESS WHICH WE PROJECT ONTO THE CULTURE IN THE WORLD AROUND US, OR ETHNOS IN FOSTERING A DISPOSITION ANTITHETICAL TO REALIZING THE LOGOS OF THE MATERIAL WORLD AND ATTUNING TO IT LOGOS VS ETHNOS (3)
• THE POLITICS OF ABSURDISM, OR THE FAMILIAR PATTERN OF HOW AN ABSURDIST IDEOLOGY SUBSUMED DEMOCRACY DESTROYED CIVILIZATION ACROSS THE ROMAN EMPIRE, AND AN INTRODUCTION TO THE CHRISTIAN RHETOIC OF DEAD-PAN ABSURDISM LOGOS VS ETHNOS (4)
• THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EGO AND TRUE SELF LOGOS VS ETHNOS (5)
• ON ROMAN CHRISTIANITY AS CONSIDERED BY THE ROMAN PATRICIANS AND JESUS AS LOGOS; JESUS AS THE MESSIAH OF THE JEWS, AND “THE PARABLE OF THE “GOLDEN ROMANS”, OR THE COMPREHENSION OF VIRTUE THAT WAS LOST TO CHRISTIANITY LOGOS VS ETHNOS (6)
• THOUGHTS ON CLASS WARFARE, EXAMINING THE MANAGERIAL CLASS, OR THE BOURGEOIS, IN THE CONTEMPORARY WEST COMPARED TO THE BOURGEOIS OF THE EARLY 1900’S CIVICS AND PRODUCTION POWER, H.G. WELLS INTERVIEW WITH STALIN (1934) (2)
• CLASS WARFARE AND THE BOURGEOIS CONTINUED, AND THE USE OF PATHOS IN MEDIA (ATROCITY PROPAGANDA) AS AN EFFORT TO SEIZE TEMPORARY DIRECTORATE POWER CIVICS AND PRODUCTION POWER, H.G. WELLS INTERVIEW WITH STALIN (1934) (3)
• DEMOS AS ETHNOS, OR SOCIAL INFLUENCE AS THE DEMOS AND THE RECOGNITION OF THE DEMOS AS THE PRIMARY EVIL THING; I.E. THE EVIL OF THE “GREEK POLITY” ITSELF, AND THE AETIOLOGY OF THE WORD AND CONCEPT OF A DEMON (IN THE CHRISTIAN FRAMING OF THINGS) LOGOS VS ETHNOS (7)
• INTRODUCTION TO ROMAN PAGANISM, THE ORIGINAL OF POLYTHEISM AND SHAMANISM IN THE NATURAL SCIENCES CUSTOMS OF OUR ANCESTORS (WORKING TITLE) (1)
• THE ETRUSCAN ORIGINS OF ROMAN PAGANISM, AND THE “SECULAR RELIGION” OF THE ROMAN TEMPLES CUSTOMS OF OUR ANCESTORS (WORKING TITLE) (2)
• ON THE INTERTIA OF CULTURE*

\more of a follow-up to* this rant about the culture of docility and passive egoism in West, of which the internet is a apex crystallization of, as being undeniably the cause of war, genocide and domestic enmity, as: we today do not possess the excuses of the past of having some culture of militarism nor an autocratic government which can be blamed for causing these things as has historically been the excuse to “explain away” such things in human behaviour.

• THOUGHTS ON FALSE CLAIMS OF PERSECUTION, OR THE GREATLY IGNORED CASE STUDY OF “FALSE CLAIMS OF PERSECUTION AS POLITICAL LEVERAGE (OR SOCIAL CAPITAL)” DEMONSTRATED BY THE EARLY CHRISTIANS**

\*probably this ought be read as* “Logos vs Ethnos (7.1)”

• DEMOS CONTINUED AND EXPANDED, THE FALSE UNIVERSE OF THE “DEMOS-THINKER” AND “THE PUBLIC” AS AN ARTIFICAL CONSTRUCT (OF THE MEDIEVAL PRINTING-PRESS) AND THE MASS PSYCHOSIS OF POLITICAL NARRATIVES LOGOS VS ETHNOS (8)

all draft copies, all subject to revision and usually in need of tidying up

and

lest we forget the last dice roll: MARTIAL 5:45-5:47; in which Martial – in the first verse in my opinion – forces a Helot or Dacian boy to dress as a girl, then makes fun of the boy for “wanting to be a girl”, then explains in the next verse that the reason he is sexually humiliating the lad is simply to kill the boys spirit. Then he mocks a ‘Philo’ (which certainly is a reference to the wisest of the Greeks; regardless of any more depth to it than that) for being too poor to afford to eat; suggesting, I think, that the fake moralists only complain about such things and do not do such things is because they simply lack the coin to do such things themselves; as like in another verse to the same effect; how easy it is for a poor Man to resist narcotics or sexual indulgences when he has no means to procure them in the first place, when give him 200,000 sesterces and see how he immediately changes into the drunkard and the whore-monger.
But honestly, reader, if you think I have been choosing these epigrams with any forethought you are completely cracked. See here that we have upset the homosexuals ‘and’ the anti-homosexuals all in one go. However if one is in neither camp and is, therefore, able to enjoy such witticisms for their own sake as fond mockery, that such poems are Fucking “Based” – in both the colloquial and verbatim meaning of that word at once. Ultimately that ‘is’ the intention of the most highly moralistic satire, lest it need be pointed out to you – and obviously it does.
Anyway I am quite done with talking to you now, ‘the public’, you do not even exist according to the most cutting-edge thesis on the matter; and more importantly than this: it is a Nice Day outside.

Valete.

CAL. MAIOR. LUDI FLORES. NEW MOON OF THE THIRD MONTH.

​

(I forgot I put "did I fuck up?" in the title, please ignore that part.)
This is long, so I apologise in advance.
I (F32) broke things off with a guy I'd been talking to online for 6months a couple days ago. We found each other online and weren't planning on getting into anything serious long distance (different countries, couple hours away), but we just hit it off. For the longest time it was really nice. We had a real supportive emotional connection, and we were also both crazy into each others looks.
He was supposed to come see me in mid-april, but he missed his flight. I know this sounds dodgy, but I spent the night at the hotel he'd booked where we were supposed to stay at. We were both miserable, but for about a week after it, things felt same as ever.
Then, I felt his energy change. He pulled away. Like he wasn't as interested anymore. It felt the same as when I've been jilted for another woman previously. I tried to deal with it, but last week I decided to mention it. I said it felt like he wasn't interested anymore. He said that he's just discouraged after we didn't end up meeting, and because I said I'd like to get back to planning us seeing once my recruitment process was over. I thought this would take a day or two. But it's been 3 weeks now and they're still undecided. He said he'd started doubting the feasibility of our thing, the traveling back and forth, and whether "it would be easier for both of us... I mean, if we meet, the feasibility issues are still gonna be there?"
I asked him another question, "have you just found someone new to talk to?"
And honestly, his answer felt and feels bad to me. He said "No, I wouldn't say so... I haven't spoken to anyone within the same context as you at all." I would've thought the answer would've been "No, of course not". But "I wouldn't say so? Not in the same context?" What does that mean?
I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being... quiet dumped for someone else, and on instagram I found a photo by a woman, standing in front of a sign that said "kiss my butt". She had tagged the guy I'd been talking to in the comments, saying "sign is aimed @ you", a week ago. My heart dropped. I felt like my gut feeling had been right.
I don't know what the right course of action here would've been. Ask him? But his "I wouldn't say so... not within the same context" left me feeling insecure and confused... what does that even mean? I wish I'd pressed him more at the time.
Anyway... I did something I now regret. I picked one of her very old posts so that it wouldn't show up to someone browsing the latest ones, and left her a polite message. I told her that I've been seeing/talking to a guy, and was under the impression that we're exclusive, but that I saw he'd been liking a couple of her most recent pictures. I asked if there was something going on between them, and I just wished for clarity. She never replied to me, didn't block me. I hoped just asking would bring clarity. But she just made her profile private.
I wish I'd just gone for a walk instead of trying to talk to her. Disconnected myself from the situation. Grounded myself. Something.
In an anxious panic, I sent him a message, "I can't do this, I can't trust you anymore and it's making me act in a genuinely insane manner". Then I cried for a full day. Just regretting that I'd contacted her, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I have no idea whether she told him, I assume so. I feel like I broke his trust.
I unblocked him, kept it vague (didn't mention sending her a message) but apologised and explained that the sudden doubt he expressed had made me feel like I'm just gonna be waiting to see whether he'll keep wanting to see me, just waiting to be picked while I don't know where I stand anymore. But that it felt unfair to block him, so if he wanted to talk, he could, but if he didn't that's fine too.
He replied that there are things he wants to say but he won't, and he thinks that it' "obviously" best for us to end things where they are now. He said he takes blame for my mental state, but "doesn't think it should have come to this". I thanked him for being kind to me and he said I should be kind to myself also.
I was listening back to our earlier conversations/voice notes, and I really am afraid I made this into something really gross. I regret making our business public by talking to a third party, someone I don't even know. I'm worried I creeped her out, a complete stranger asking about her relationships.
I really miss him and as much as I feel that he might've been bending the truth and flirting with other women, I feel like I'm the one who truly fucked this one up. Like we might've been able to salvage it if I hadn't. Or maybe there was nothing to salvage or hold up, I was driving myself crazy with paranoia, he seemed so different suddenly. I don't know. I can't eat and I keep waking up at night feeling horrible. He really is so kind and supportive. This is the first relationship that I've been in that has been this reciprocal. I truly felt wanted.
I keep imagining that maybe I'll go visit his city and say hi just to make myself feel okay. And then I feel sick about what I did. That he probably wouldn't even want to see me.
I feel embarrassed, vulnerable and raw. I feel like I've been humiliated, but I humiliated myself. I feel like I went against my own integrity. I don't know how to feel more okay, I just keep crying.

I was really hoping anyone knows any way of fading or removing microblading my girlfriend was pressured into and doesn't want that may not be too painful? Any cream or procedure of anything that might help? Or does anyone have experience with how laser actually feels, or a way to make it less painful? We have no idea what sort of ink was used but it was in China and she's Chinese if that helps, and it's not very dark she says it faded a lot in the first month or so. If she did get it properly removed it wouldn't be for a while so there's always a chance it goes away but that's probably wishful thinking right. Also would it be important to find out what kind of ink it was? Is there a way of telling somehow?
I typed a long sad backstory but then realized its not really important but ig i'll leave a summarized but not actually that short version anyway;
Basically about half a year ago my girlfriend's mum took her to get her eyebrows 'fixed' (which makes me so mad she's so beautiful but they convinced her she needed to look better, ahh i need to stop ranting) without telling her that meant tattooing, so she had no idea what she was going in for. Then when she told her mum she wasn't sure and didn't really want it she kept saying she should just get it and it'd be good until she felt forced to agree, of course under the impression it wouldn't last forever. Thinking about this makes me feel terrible and it's like there's a constant reminder on the face of the person I love of the pain she went through for nothing, so I want to do it for her if there's anyway I can help her to undo this even a little bit without hurting her because I want nothing less than to hurt her more than she's been hurt already, she wants it gone too but is more so scared of the pain. Sorry I typed so much lmao I always do this...

I have posted in other threads before but I just have so much to say and my husband does not understand sometimes what I need so I'm writing here now.
My relationship with my MIL has not been so great because she is a gossiper, emotionally immature and an attention seeker and I do not wish to associate with this type of behavior. My SIL's are her flying monkeys and they have all been unbearable to deal with. I always make the mistake of thinking the best of her for my husbands sake and I don't know why I do it.
My MIL is the type of woman who loves when all the attention is on her, she wants everyone to crowd her and ask her questions and feel sorry for her all the time.
She loves when we ask her how she is going and check on her all the time, one thing she lacks to do though is ask me how I am or basically anything about me or my life with her son. I used to message her every second day to check on her and every message back was the same " Hi OP, I am tired today, more than usual. Talk soon"
This has been like this for a long time, every message is the same and she never asks me how I am or if we need anything, or even just to ask are you doing okay. It demotivates me from wanting to speak to her because the conversation is very one sided and it ends before it's even started. For a while she would just give an emoji reaction to my messages and not respond, It used to grind my gears.
Just recently my husband went away for work, while he was away both of our spare cars had malfunctions. I moved in with my husband who lives quite far from my family so I do not have anyone around me to help when I need it. I work right next to his parents house. So when I was driving to work my car overheated and I ended up having to leave it at work for two nights, I was meant to visit her on the night of the same day it overheated but I couldn't, so I messaged her and said you know sorry I can't come my car has overheated and I think I may need to take an uber home tonight.
I thought because she knew my husband was away and couldn't help me and because they live 5 minutes away that she would ask if I needed help, but instead she responded with, "Oh what a nuisance for you, take care".
I really was just not shocked at all, such typical behavior from her but my husband was very upset and embarrassed. I then felt awkward to ask them for help because it seemed she didn't want too help me so I didn't ask for it.
As much as I don't get along with any of my husbands family, I would offer to help in this situation, for his sake, because what kind of person would I be if I didn't.
She messaged me hours later to ask if I was home yet and I thought " What's it to you whether I am home or not?". My husband was quite upset and kept apologizing to me on the phone. He felt guilty that he couldn't be there to help me.
Then I didn't hear anything from her at all for the rest of the weekdays, until on the weekend she calls me and I thought oh she is calling me to ask me how things went with the cars and to ask about an important event I had, but no she was calling to ask me if I want to go to my SIL's house. The same SIL I am NC with..., another tactic to get us all in the same room to become "friends" which I am absolutely sick of.
I nearly started laughing tbh and said no sorry I am with my family. She then starts exclaiming that she forgot and blah blah and asks "Is my son with you too?", I said "Yeah, obviously he wanted to see my family as well".
I just want to go NC with her, I just don't have the energy for her anymore. I have given her too many chances. She does not care about me and all of my kindness is being taken by people who don't deserve it. Honestly the stuff they accuse me of creeps me out and seems really deranged, if I wrote it down I am sure you would all think it was insane. My MIL and SIL's have serious issues and it is evident they need to seek therapy for it, I am tired of being their scapegoat and so is my husband.
We think we know why my MIL acts as though she doesn't care about me, it is punishment because I went NC with my SIL's after they acted crazy last year and creeped us the hell out.
Would it be reasonable for me to go NC?

I (26M) haven’t talk to my friends in five years now because of a dispute. I am posting this because one of the friends recently reached out to me to hang out. Three of my friends and I rented a house while we were in college. Everything was really chill in the house and we would routinely host parties with up to 50 to 100 people. First two years were awesome, we were all young single guys doing dumb shit, and they were my best friends. It started to get weird as the world was in lockdown. My girlfriend recently moved into the house and other one of my friends who was not on the lease also crash on our couch when he lost his job and was going through some things. We had around 1 months before our lease ended and I started to notice my friends not wanting to talk to me. For example i would talked to them and ask questions about their lives and how there jobs were going and would be ignored. I thought it was odd, until one of my friends Bill (not real name) came into my room and said that they were not going to renew the lease and that everyone agreed they were leaving. Our rent for the house was $2,200 split up evenly, and he said I can either move out or pay for the whole house. I did not have that money and even just paying 500 for rent was a lot for me at the time. I didn’t mind that they wanted to live other places, i just wished we could all talk about together before a discussion was made. I realized they all discussed it a couple month earlier. I talked to everyone about there choice and the reason they gave to me is that I was messy and they wanted a clear house. First of all we were all messy and one of our friends was living on our couch for 8 months which didn’t help living areas. Honey I was just upset because I had to move back to my parents, but they didn’t care and still want to move out. So I contact with all of them and started a new life in a different country. Fast forward to today where i get this text from Bill that he is getting married and wants me at the wedding. I had an easy out that I was in a different country, but he said he would pay for my flight and accommodations. In my head I’m like what’s the catch? Does he not have many friends now and wants some there? I’m just confused on why he would spend that much money even though he know I don’t talk to him. On the other hand, it’s a free trip to a tropical island. Should I put the past behind or not interact with them anymore?

Hi all. I’m a chemistry PhD, one year post candidacy, two years into degree. I did a MSc elsewhere and came to my PhD because I thought my supervisor was the bees knees. They seemed interested in teaching and mentoring, which was something I severely needed after coming out of a MSc where basically everything was self-taught since I was doing projects that weren’t in the niche of expertise that group did. But my supervisor is very much a salesperson, and they’re not at all interested in mentoring or teaching and I have again been put in the situation where everything I know has been self-taught. The group had a huge turnover a little bit before I joined and a massive amount of expertise was lost. So in a lot of instances, we can’t even use some of the instruments we have, though I have figured out how to use most of them at this point by shear fucking determination. But that means I’ve been reinventing the wheel - learning things that had already been learned, but was lost. I could probably get a computer science BSc right now from how many obsolete coding languages I’ve had to learn.
Suffice to say, the entire group really is lacking in results, and I have in some ways become a scapegoat. The group politics are messy, and I do not have a clean nose but I at least have always been trying to help. And I offended my supervisors’ spouse about a month ago, lol. Bad idea. Don’t be like me.
Yesterday I received an email from my supervisor where they made noises about “withdrawing supervision” based on their belief that I have not made research progress ahead of a conference in June (they’d know I have results if they actually communicated about more than just freaking out at random times). This has kind of become the straw that broke the camels back. Our relationship has deteriorated to the point that there isn’t credibility or trust between what we say to each other anymore and my supervisor is doing a bit of a Panick about the lack of results in the group at large and clamping down on the lab in a really reactive (and ineffective) manner.
So I don’t think there’s a way for me to come back from this. And I don’t know that I have the motivation to try. I love the field but the way my supervisor does science is not something I can be part of anymore.
This is never a position I wanted to be in. But I am in it. I’m thousands of miles away from my home and my partner. I’ve been on a grad stipend for a long time and moving costs are … well, they’re moving costs. I have two disabled pets. I can’t just pack a suitcase and move in a quick manner.
What do I do? What are some considerations I absolutely should be keeping in mind? I have a meeting with the grad coordinator today to discuss the situation. The only option for staying is to move to another group. I cannot stay with this supervisor. Of course, the other option is to quit.
How do I market myself to employers after quitting a PhD? What do I do in the meantime to stay afloat? I’m fine taking a minimum wage job, I’ll make more than I make on my stipend lol. My pride isn’t going to prevent me from surviving. I’m going to lose my health insurance, and my medication is expensive. I don’t have any student loans and I have a very small emergency fund. Am I ruining my life?
tl;dr: quitting probably, what the fuck do I do?

At the end of December, I ended my relationship with a girl with whom I had been together for 6 years. I accepted the breakup quite stoically, but the subsequent loneliness hit me hard. I started dating, getting to know the girls in the tinder.
I finally managed to meet one good girl there (after 11 damn other dates). The problem is that she lives in another city, and she was in mine on family business.
We found a common language very quickly, and communication was good, but she left almost immediately. We went on a few dates, then stopped communicating, corresponded again.
Two weeks ago, she came here again, and we met again. These meetings were an emotional swing. On the one hand, we are attracted to each other, on the other - we are both over 30, and we have different personal boundaries and the speed with which we are moving towards a relationship.
During the week that she was there, I managed to come to her at night with flowers, talk that "nothing will work out", and then talk seriously again and understand that it will "work out", go on dates, make love, spend time together.
The main problem is that I have an anxious type of attachment. I want to hear from her that everything is fine, that the relationship can work. I am ready to go to her city, to invite her to my place. Hell, I'd be willing to marry her and move in. But she defends her personal boundaries. This manifests itself as well in the fact that she does not directly say what she feels (and I need to hear it).
5 days ago, I said, "Let's figure out how to spend May. Come to me next week, and then, in a couple of weeks, you will have your sister's birthday, I will come to you."
To this, I received the answer that "I understand that you want a family, a relationship, to live together right away, but I can't do that, it's difficult for me to get close to a person right away and I need more time to let him into my life."
I am offended by the confidence with which she says, "I will come again this weekend, but I will not stay with you - I am not ready for this and I have my own business." To me, it sounds like the person doesn't want to spend time with me. And I really want to
And I do not know how to deal with it. On the one hand, I understand that feelings are bubbling up in me, I want to see this person every day. There would be no problem if we lived in the same city - we would just go on dates like normal people, without haste.
On the other hand, I understand that the principle "after a week of dating, let's live together first with me here, then with you in your city" is still hasty. But every day without her is unbearable to me, and it seems to me that this is not so for her - since she says she does not want to hurry, then she is also much more comfortable without each other.
Therefore, I understand that for the sake of this person (and I really like her) I would be ready to move at her pace. But I do not know if I can overcome myself like that. And I do not know if it's worth it, as if if we both had vivid feelings for each other, then there would be no problem of "let's not rush".
Should either of us make concessions and move at a different speed in a relationship? What questions should I ask to understand that we are really moving in the same direction? What to do?
It's very hard for me and I do not know what to do. I have no one to talk to about this.

Hello Scala Community,
I am newbie to Scala language. I have previously worked as Java Developer in the industry and have around 4 years of experience working on Spring Boot framework. However, recently I changed my company and my new company uses Scala as their main language for developing backend applications using Play framework. I have joined as a Software Developer here (not Data Engineer) in hope for learning something new in the field of Software Engineering. I have gone through numerous articles on how Scala skills are considered to be niche skill and has scope mostly in Big Data and Data Engineering roles. I would like to get your valuable insights regarding following concerns :

1. Does learning the FP way of designing applications will help me in longer run in SE industry?
2. How much emphasis should be given to learning languages or say new paradigm (I am considering Scala to be more complex than Java, maybe because I'm new to FP) when one's goal is to become a good software engineer?
3. Regarding the job market for Scala, I don't see much hope in my region (India) other than DE roles. I am still interested in Software engineering but afraid that investing time in it will be helpful in future or not?
4. On the extreme side, should I go back to hone my skills on Java ecosystem (prepare for next switch) or focus in learning Scala language and its ecosystem for maybe next 1-2 years and see if I like it or not?

I tried to keep my doubts as clear as possible. Thanks in advance for your valuable insights.

This is a bit of a long story but I really need advice as I’m at the lowest I’ve been and don’t know what to do.
Bit of background, I’m 20M and my ex is 20F and 15weeks pregnant. We met last year and quickly became best friends. If she or myself ever needed something we’d always help each other out. She was funny, exciting to be around and we were best friends with a flirty friendship. Then in January we decided to start dating, which ended up in us being in a relationship until the end of feb. She told me she loved me first and we would spend every day together and sleep together every night as she had a place of her own. At the end of feb she moved back home and she suddenly broke up with me because she didn’t have the urge to see me anymore but agreed to stay best mates. A few days later she phoned me up and told me she was pregnant and she was keeping it despite her saying she wouldn’t because she knew I really didn’t want a child. I said some things I’ll never be able to take back but my initial reaction wasn’t good but since then I’ve told her how I regret saying these things.
She was ultra supportive at the start even offering me a place to stay the night I told my parents as we both knew they wouldn’t take it well. However as time has gone on we seemed to be arguing a lot more about things I’ve done wrong (i.e not offered to pay for things, not asked enough questions etc). I’ve been to all the scans and since offered to pay for things such as the pram and cot and even gone to buy baby clothes by myself which she said she was proud of me for. I’ve also realised in the short time we were together I perhaps didn’t do everything right so since then I’ve tried improving myself by taking her out for dinner on her birthday and paying for most things she wants when we’re out together. I’ve stopped making silly jokes about the baby and become more assertive and defended myself from other peoples views which is what she wanted from me. It was very up and down but she said she could see me changing into more of a man which gave me hope.
However, 2 weeks back I found out she was talking to another boy and they had gone on a drive but not done anything. I found this out from one of my mates and asked her about it and she was honest. As I still have feelings for her and care immensely for this girl I didn’t ask too much as I knew she wouldn’t want me to. We were supposed to go out for dinner the next day but she said she had forgotten and had made plans to see her other friends. I didn’t complain but I texted one of her friends she met up with to ask how she was, also saying that I feel like I can’t do anything right and saying I still have feelings for her. I also briefly said that I felt uncomfortable with another boy being involved. My ex then read all the messages and when I was supposed to meet up with her a few days later after no contact as I assumed she wanted space she had a massive go at me over text calling me obsessed, saying I was being creepy by texting her friends and I have no right to know about her personal life just because she is carrying my baby. She also said that she needs space and I should only message her if it’s important or about the baby. A week has passed and we’ve only briefly chatted about the pram and cot but I have been met with pretty blunt replies so I just leave them on opened. I’ve apologised for being too nosy and messaging her friend and haven’t really spoken since.
I stupidly made a fake account during this time so I could follow who I think is this new person however as I connected my number to it the girl has probably got a notification and seen it’s me acting as a fake account so I assume she has connected the dots even though I deleted the account quickly as I knew it was a stupid thing to do.
I feel as if she doesn’t want me to be a part of her life anymore despite how close we were a few months back and she sees me more of a chore or burden to her. She was on high strength antidepressants but quickly stopped taking them cold Turkey and has seemed like a completely different person since saying that she she is moody all the time too.
Sorry this is a lot but I care immensely for the girl and my baby and want it all to work out. What should I do? Does she just need time and space? Will she come around ? Please any advice would be great as I’m struggling a lot right now. Thank you.

Brian De Palma hates boring openings. He’s gone on record saying as much. De Palma thinks that opening shots consisting of either a) aerials of a city or b) a car driving somewhere are creatively bankrupt. How does he solve this?
He creates a devastating, electric opening—that’s how. The opening to Blow Out is nothing short of attention-grabbing. Two things make it so: a downright deadly Steadicam and De Palma playing into the sexist stereotypes of his filmography. Sleazy, total horror in prelude to a much more subtle, much more sophisticated horror.
For this scene, De Palma went to camera operator and Steadicam inventor Garrett Brown. He had just come off of doing the extensive Steadicam for Kubrick’s The Shining, so he was prepped for anything. Anything except for what De Palma had in mind. Brown wasn’t expecting Brian to request him to track a “crappy slasher parody”. And so, Brown unlearned most of what he did on The Shining and went into meticulously planning and memorizing the shot with De Palma. That’s something that often goes under-appreciated in Steadicam shots, especially more complex ones like this: they have to be memorized by the operator. It’s some truly inventive Steadicam work, as is the, at the time original, running tracking shots at the end of the movie.
One of the most effective aspects of this cold open is the immediate sense of mistrust it creates between the filmmaker and the audience. If the opening can’t be trusted, what else can’t be? It’s a clever way of establishing immediate tension without having to change the story. It’s also a smart way of holding tension without having to extend it scene-by-scene.
Heavy themes of obsession, paranoia, and the idea of accidentally finding something bigger than yourself run amok throughout Blow Out’s 103 minute runtime. In large part, this comes from De Palma’s own obsession with the Kennedy assassination. In an interview conducted by Noah Baumbach (found on the Criterion blu), De Palma mentions that part of the feeling he hoped to get across with the film was the same ones he experienced as he dove further into the conspiracy himself.
The heavy use—borderline abuse—of split-screen and split diopter shots adds to the paranoiac feel of the film by creating an information overload for the audience. The eye is unsure where to land, forcing the viewer to take all the information in frame in at once. The rest of the film, when the camera can only focus on what’s directly in front of it, is achieved through the use of shallow lenses.
This inability to let the audience focus on any one given subject at once also allows for much stronger usage of close-ups. They are few and far between here, so the ones that do happen are that much more impactful—even voyeuristic.
Another effective building block of this conspiratorial filmmaking comes from De Palma’s obsession with Hitchcock. He’s a big believer in part of what he [De Palma] calls “the grammar of cinema”: it’s the only medium in which you can show the audience and the character the same amount of information in any given moment. As such, the audience is taken on the same ride as Travolta’s character and led to the same near-delusions. However, by carefully controlling this flow of information, the director also lets the audience in just enough to create further suspense. Again, a trick picked up from Hitch.
I’ve used the word “obsession” a lot throughout this review. That’s because, at its core, that’s what Blow Out is all about. It’s both about the obsession of conspiracy and about its director’s own tendencies towards obsession. It’s an effective example of anxiety and suspense building, cementing De Palma as a master alongside Hitchcock. Any scene of Travolta in the editing room, meticulously going through every millimeter of tape to piece together his evidence is especially striking. It’s a careful exercise in both lens and audio trickery. The gear porn is an appreciated touch as well. There’s one editing room scene that stands out above the rest; when Travolta is checking the audio on a number of tapes, the camera slowly rotates in place, covering every bit of the room in one continuous, hypnotic motion; mimicking the reels on the tape machines. As Travolta’s character becomes more frantic, so too does the camera start to move faster and the audio becomes louder.
Present throughout are also a number of impressive indoor aerials. These were achieved through the use to carefully crafted sets with cranes overhead used to achieve the shot. This creates a surreal, dreamlike look to these scenes that separate them from the normal reality of the film. This is a look that’ll be explored multiple times throughout the runtime, culminating in the firework finale.
Cinematography is more than just camerawork, though. It’s also the department responsible for directing the electrical, lighting, and grips. The lighting of Blow Out in all of its technicolor noir glory is exquisite, especially on the 4k Criterion print. There’s enough colored lighting here to make Dario Argento blush. It’s striking and visually interesting to see bright reds, whites, and blues used in a chiaroscuro manner; bright colors contrasting with the film’s ideologies to create a dark, moody atmosphere.
Another factor to take into consideration when discussing cinematography is shot length. Here, De Palma opts for longer takes with a tight, controlled level of shot efficiency. If the story can be told effectively with only 1-2 shots in a given sequence, then it’s going to be told in 1-2 shots. There’s little wasted movement or placement, making for a perceived obsession regarding shot economy; De Palma admits to as much in the previously mentioned Baumbach interview.
A movie is more than just lighting and camerawork, though. For any narrative feature to work, it needs actors. The primary cast of Travolta, Allen, Franz, and Lithgow (but mostly Travolta and Allen) play up their noir tropes well. Travolta in the “wrong man” narrative fits like a glove. It’s the classic film-noir trope of someone stumbling into something bigger than themselves. On the other hand is Nancy Allen’s Sally; she’s sexy, naïve, and still dangerous—the perfect blend of femme fatale and damsel on distress. Franz is such a sleaze in so many different ways, that it manages to make my skin crawl. Seedy, secretive, and conniving; a grifter of the highest order. Lithgow, on the flip-side is cold and calculated. His killer is exacting and predatory; watching his character hunt down others is as tense as anything else.
Using actresses that were similar in appearance to Nancy Allen for the string of cover-up serial killings also lends to the general feeling of unreality. It makes the viewer double take each time, needing to confirm if the character is Sally or not. The most extreme example of this is actually a piece of stunt-work. In the opening scene of the movie, when the car takes a dive into the drink and Travolta pulls Allen out of the car, it’s actually a body double. Nancy Allen is very claustrophobic, so sticking her in a car filling up with water was nigh impossible for De Palma (who was also her husband at the time). Although it’s a bit of a goof onscreen, it does happen to lend itself well to the dreamier qualities of the movie.
The costuming in Blow Out does a surprising amount of heavy lifting as well. From those coordinating the conspiracy dressing in suits and ties: the uniform of politicians, bankers, and high society to Travolta’s plain, red shirts and working man looks—another type of uniform. In this way, De Palma is able to play visually with ideas of classism and how it often relates with conspiracy. It’s a subtle, but interesting way of conveying power dynamics.
In Blow Out, De Palma shows a rigorous attention to detail that pays off in spades by the end. From the news reports given onscreen throughout to the allusions to the revisiting of his previous works. At one point, there’s a movie that plays in Dennis Franz’ apartment that provides some diegetic audio; it’s actually De Palma’s debut feature, Murder à la Mod. For film fans, the movie also complements other movies like Antonioni’s Blowup and Coppola’s The Conversation; each of them involving obsessive characters reconstructing recordings.
Blow Out is one of De Palma’s best and easily one of his most technically impressive films. Through themes of obsession, paranoia, and the blurred line between reality and illusion, Blow Out engages audiences on multiple levels, inviting them into a world where nothing is as it seems. On every rewatch, another layer of the film reveals itself, only deepening its hidden, labyrinthine nature. This will always be an easy recommendation for me to give, especially to other fans of noir and genre filmmaking. The Criterion 4k release is worth every penny.
review on letterboxd

I know this will be different for everyone, but im honestly wondering if it can be “too early”. Atm I feel guilty to take too much before due date, im planning 5 weeks before due date and taking 2 weeks holiday prior. Does that sound reasonable? My work is quite physical and im only 14+4 but at the end of the shift my back is crippled. I get really bad pinching pain in the back of my pelvis, even a couple hours on my feet at home it starts to hurt. I just dont know how im going to feel when I actually have a bump weighing me down too! Im using all my holidays before so ive booked a week off every month and just hope i can survive till September 😅

I’m going to try to make this as short & sweet as I can. I have tried to write it multiple times & end up rambling on with all my complaints o about my bf.
So I am 27F, bf is 27M. We have a one-year-old daughter together. I work full time, go to school full time, as well as running my own business. I also do 100% of the household chores, cooking, & caring for our daughter. Physically & financially (he pays very little for a sitter & diapers maybe 1-2 every 6 months).
He also works full time, longer shifts, more days off. When he’s not at work he’s behind a computer screen, gaming. If he’s not gaming he’s usually asleep or watching sports. He does nothing outside that except on the occasion he decides to vacuum. He does watch our daughter 2-3 days a week while I’m at work but games the second I get home.
My daughter & I are getting over some sickness, maybe the flu. We’ve had it about a week. He now thinks he’s getting it, after I asked him to help with laundry on his off days (wash & dry only) he always is sick when I need help. He did ONE load yesterday after reminding him over & over. Says he’s too sick to help & is having his mom sit today but was up all night gaming. I was totally cool with him not helping when I thought he was sick but after seeing he is not & isn’t taking the time to rest I feel as though he can help.
I don’t ask for much, I only ask for help to buy things when I truly can’t afford it & she needs it. I only ask for help with the house when I need it because of exhaustion. Same with hw & anything else. I complete all my hw at work & have only asked for help with our daughter 3 times all of which turned out to be a fight & me trying to do homework with a crying or curious kid to which I failed the assignment. When I do ask I’m always made out to be this horrible person or gf for asking or even expecting it. I know this isn’t how my life is meant to be & I don’t plan to keep it this way (it’s why I’m going to school & opened my shop) but sometimes he really makes me question if I’m some horrible person for not doing everything on my own & letting him do whatever he wants. The times I refuse to sacrifice myself for him he starts being mopey & depressed & tells me I caused it because he can’t game or do what he wants so I gave up on that long ago.
So AITA for expecting my bf to still help with laundry even if he’s sick?

A complaint that kept coming up in relation to the character of Jellal is that he's annoying because he won't shut up about his sins and that he should stop talking about sins. Others feel that he should've stopped this mindset after being pardoned or defeating Gears.
The thing about guilt is that its a complex thing that everyone processes differently. Sometimes, something like a pardon or forgiveness would be enough to cause the weight of the guilt to dissipate. But other times, the guilt never goes away, ever, and the person is haunted by it forever.
Yes, Jellal led Crime Sorcière to help against Alvarez and defeat Zeref, and they were all pardoned for their role in the war. But that only means that officially, they're no longer being persecuted for their past crimes and can live without facing legal punishment. That isn't some Anti-Guilt touched to his forehead that erases the guilt of the actions he's done and that he feels for the people he's hurt. So many people in real life would probably want it to be that easy because guilt can overwhelm even when someone else has forgiven you.
When fighting Gears, Jellal is encouraged to live on for Erza. But while he decides he won't beat himself up for mistakes he makes, he's shown to still be reflecting on his sins as he tries to move forward and feels he must carry the burden of fighting the world's darkness alone.
When one carries a burden alone, it can become quite heavy. That crushing weight can cause emotional distress. And while self-reflection is amazing, when we're unable to do it in a healthy or productive way, or can't find a way forward, that self-reflection can lead one to reminisce old trauma and fall back into the guilt they're attempting to climb out of as they remember the actions that make them feel guilty.
And that's exactly what Jellal does. But now, he has Erza's offer to join Fairy Tail and has come closer to her. So when Serena forces him to face his past, that love for Erza helps him overcome that darkness and while his sins won't disappear, he's found his way forward. Like Erza said at the end of the Elentir Arc, he'll no longer have to face that burden alone and has brought his way of life closer to her and others who care for him and exude kindness (most of the time).
This is why I don't have the problems others do with "Jellal sets out to find Zeref and never fights him" or "Jellal never fought Faris or Athena." With the latter two, there was nuance to the situation of what they were doing where fighting them wasn't the ultimate solution. But in all 3 cases, going after these grand enemies was both his way of repentance by ursuing a darkness bbecause that's what he feels he has to do. But also, all 3 goals were vehicles that put him in situations that led to his pardon, that led to his mindset starting to change, and that led to him making what will hopefully be a very healthy, positive decision for him.
Ultimately, mental health is complex. I pray no one reading this is struggling but I know how much that's wishful thinking. But ultimately, in real life, you probably wouldn't wanna tell a guilty person who is venting that their talk of sins is getting annoying. But this isn't real life. Its fiction. I'm not saying don't criticize Jellal, his redemption Arc, how he's written, etc. You're perfectly entitled to do that. But please at least consider the ways in which his Arc illustrates the nuance, complexity, and difficulty of guilt when you look at his talk about sins. Because him not shutting up about his sins might be one of the most realistic things in this fictional, fantasy series.

Well hello everyone - It was around September 2020 that I wrote about my first relationship falling apart from depression and here we are again...different guy....new situation. From that post, I connected with SO many people and it helped me grieve and process so much. Here we are 4 years later and back in the same boat of needing some Reddit community advice. So shall we begin?
I have been with my Boyfriend (M31) for the past 10 months. It has honestly been one of the best relationships I've had the privilege to be in. He is hardworking, kind, a good soul, and the way he makes me feel comfortable and his small touches of physical affection make me feel on-top of the world.
Here is where it gets dicey...he came out about a year ago as Bi. I came out 11 years ago, so I am very much used to all the things the community has going on and have figured my place. I learned overtime that he has been struggling with internalized homophobia (damnit). From thinking it would be easier to be with a woman and not introducing me to his friends to me being his first for many new gay experiences and struggling with it at times. We have talked through a lot of this and having that transparency was a good sign to me...till 2 months ago. His prioritizes shifted. He became distant and even cold at times when I would see him. One minute THE BEST TIME to...acting like he didn't want to be around me at all.
Things went to a head when we took a break and after that time he revealed he felt like we were married already and could see a future with me, but that also scared him as he had so many things he hasn't done within his sexuality (ie. grindr). 3 Days later, as hard as it was, I broke up with him. It was no longer a viable option to stay together all while knowing fully he wanted to experience more things in the community and not be tied down. The break up was horrific - tears upon tears, him saying he feels he will regret this happening because its only temporary and I'm not, asking how we could stay together, we kissed, held each other, expressed our love and said maybe one day. He asked if he could text me the next day and I told him to give a week of not talking. I'm now in my head about that, as it feels like I slapped his hand away.
While I know it was the right decision...boy oh boy does it feel WRONG now. My gut knows it was right...my only question is how can I keep the door open while moving on? I have no problems moving on...but I would like to still be present in his life with maybe a dangling chance but not holding onto that. He has said from the beginning he is afraid I will disappear from his life and now I think that's why he never broke up with me. I realized space and time is needed and to focus on my self but more importantly...When the week is over, do I reach out or let him come to me?
TL;DR: I dumped my boyfriend over his struggles with his sexuality but want to keep the door open. Is it ok to message him first or let him come to me?

I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD and a lot of things in my life that I've struggled with now make more sense. However, I have one big problem: my sensitivity to stimuli. I find it incredibly stressful to be on public transport, supermarkets or other stores, people just always come too close to me, are too loud, make noises I can't cope with, it's so exhausting. When I'm out and about on the street, I can't stand it when people walk behind me in the same direction, I have to let them pass because I feel like their energy is attacking me, as if I'm constantly blocking the way of someone who's in a hurry. In the office, I look up every time someone walks past my desk, I just can't ignore it and always feel like I have to react in some way. It's so exhausting that I've now slipped into burnout and developed depression, which comes in waves and sometimes leaves me feeling like I'm underwater for days on end.
But these are not typical ADHD symptoms. I came across the term AuDHD and listened up - does this perhaps apply to me? I'm pretty sure that my father is Asperger's autistic and I know the whole thing is hereditary.
But I don't have any social limitations in the sense that I find eye contact difficult or can't read facial expressions. Among colleagues, interpersonal contact is sometimes a performance and I'm very aware of that, but isn't that normal? I really enjoy talking to people and can respond well to them, but preferably in pairs in a quiet environment. Too much ambient noise or even just an unfavorable place for me, where I have the room at my back and people walk past behind me, gets me down. I can't stand conversations in which lots of people are talking at once and constantly interrupting each other.
Sometimes my symptoms sound more like autism, sometimes more like ADHD. I don't really have a problem with not having a fixed label, I know that neurodivergence is a spectrum. But how do I treat my symptoms? Medication works differently depending on the diagnosis.
I am currently trying to get prescribed ADHD medication and an antidepressant (medikinet has done nothing for me apart from more inner restlessness, irritability and headaches, I am trying Elvanse), but how do I deal with my irritability? I didn't have it in childhood and adolescence, at least not to the same extent, but it has manifested itself over the past ten years. I don't know what to do anymore, it's not a life. I'm not able to casually go to the gym after work because I'm just too mentally exhausted and often feel like I‘m an exposed nerve. How the hell am I supposed to deal with this in the long term, are there perhaps any medications that can ground you a little, improve stimulus processing and relieve my burnt-out dopamine receptors a little? I don't want to be dependent on amphetamines for the rest of my life, and they don't help me at all with my sensory overload anyway. Are there antidepressants that can do that? Or do I have to learn to live with it and come to terms with the fact that in a few years I will have lost so much of my capacity that I will be unable to work?
Sorry for rambling, but I had to get this out. I would be grateful for any insights :)

Hi guys i’m gonna post what I posted originally on the AP subreddit as I hope someone here can help me as I want to embark on focusing on spiritual encounters during my daytime naps and ap sessions but I am wondering ‘how fantasy’ based AP can be? I regularly am in different planes where I talk to demons who try to take over my body and have to wake myself up quickly but anyway.
Narcolepsy in relation to AP and lucid dreams
Hi! I hope I can post this from my new reddit account as I am building this up and after just being awoken from a nap I need to speak to people who experience this.
Now, I have a condition called narcolepsy (google it if unsure) but this means I will need naps in the day (esp during uni exam season) and due to my narcolepsy, I enter REM sleep straight away. This means that I will go to my bed, shut my eyes and within as little as 30 seconds feel myself drift from a state of being awake to 'unconscious' and this leads me to rolling out my bed and entering the 'float' state. This is how most of my spirtual and craziest dreams have started. In the dream I just had, I remember vividly being like you shut your eyes but you can still see your room so vividly now as I floated around it.
Now this post isn't for me to go into the millions of depths I can about travelling to alternate realities, meeting other 'lucid dreams and astral projecters' and running away from demons who wish to steal my body and awaken in my place. This post is for me to state how based on my research, I see a lot of people here have said the difference between AP and lucid dreams (aside from the feeling of entering an AP with vibrations etc that I kind of speed run through) is that AP does not normally consist 'fantasy' elements. Now, I have had AP where I literally float around and observe people but I have also had experiences where more fantasy things come into play such as meeting other dreamers and having deep convos, flying through the sky with butterflies. My very first dream I went out my house and was met with a young girl who introduced me to this whole realm and told me that I had entered a 'lucid dreaming realm' where people can meet and talk and fly etc (it was outside my house and looked like it but more vibrant). Demons and hell are also a reoccuring theme as in the first dream there was also dogs with red eyes and she told me 'this is how they keep watch on us. This specific dream was 2 years ago now and since then it's only got crazier. I also happen to travel to alternate parallel timelines where I enter the body of myself in that timeline as I think I have seen people mention 'astral travel' or something of the sorts before.
My main question is I know the times I have lucid dreamt for it was crazy dreams including dragons and fairies etc etc but it's very hard as a lot of my lucid dreams start of with me floating in my room and then being like 'I want to go to a fairy world today'. I fear I lack as much control with AP as it's more 'yes I know I am not in an awake state rn but I have no control over the dream. I just am confused if it is still AP if there is any element of fantasical bits in it? The dream I just woke up from was me talking to my 'inner voice'(I think it was my perverted unconscious desires etc) and asking them about things I have been supressing irl (included sexual themes etc) and so this really blurs the line between AP and 'lucid dreaming' for me and would love to hear some insight when things are so blurred due to the fact anytime i enter a dream from my daytime naps it is me being floated out my body and starts off inside whichever room I napped in.