The Old Quarter

Bit of a long post but I thought this could be a cool idea and I wanted to share it:
Description:
"Even before the current troubles, the Old Quarter was a favoured haunt of vagabonds, vagrants and those with ill-intent. Nestled beneath the towering estates of Cathedral Row, the streets of the Old Quarter are a twisting and cramped warren. Constructed in the early days of the city, the Old Quarter was built haphazardly to accommodate the city's rapidly expanding population.
In recent times, the Old Quarter has become downright sinister. A permanent, sleazy fog hangs over the area and residents report a strange figure peering through their window at odd hours. The Constables abandoned the district soon after the current crisis began. The Huntsmen now patrol the main street and control a few key landmarks, including the power-station and the old jailhouse. But even they are loathe to venture into the dank passages where the light never reaches.
Tread carefully here Dr. and take care if you happen to hear tapping at the window..."
Explanation:
This is an idea I have had for a while about how parts of the demo area could be reincorporated into the main-game. I think that the main-game is far superior to everything in the demo but the cramped and winding streets of the demo area are still fun to explore and the feeling of being boxed-in really helps contribute towards a feeling of claustrophobia which isn't quite present in the open-spaces of the Market District.
Instead of collecting seals to open the manor in the town square, the Dr. would need to find several puzzle items to progress. These items would open the portcullis gate on the other side of the guard post in the demo. The Sylvian estate (manor from the demo) would serve as an optional area with heightened security which could be broken into. Other side-streets, alleys and passages which were only partly accessible in the demo would also be opened-up as would several derelict buildings. This would include opening up the play-space above the flooded basement where the monocle can be found in the demo.
The Old Quarter would serve as a prelude of sorts to the Cathedral row district. After sneaking through a factory/ warehouse complex, the Dr. would enter the lift to the Old Quarter and the section would begin in much the same way that the demo opens.
Note found before entering the Old Quarter:
“Sir,
As requested, we have sealed off the main routes into the Old Quarter and have set an automated sentry to guard the entrance to Cathedral Row. I have ordered our remaining forces to fallback accordingly. Let the Huntsmen deal with those creatures.
Constable Burlington.
“
Upon reaching the main save station-house from the demo, the windows would be heavily barricaded and the Dr. would instead be prompted to enter through a door which hangs open. In the main room of the safe-house the gramophone plays its soothing tune. Unlike in the demo, the house is devoid of huntsmen and, much like the lighthouse, a recorded message would play from the gramophone the first time it is used to make a save.
“Welcome to the Old Quarter Doctor. Our mutual friend informed me that you might pass this way but I regret that I \cough* will be unable to greet you in person. Help yourself to any supplies you find here. You will need them for what lies ahead. Before they left, the Constables destroyed every exit and left the Huntsmen to loot the ruins. The only way out is through the gate at the end of Stonehaven Road. But the lock is a fiendish thing and not easily cracked. I had a few ideas of how to get past it before *cough*… well it hardly matters now. I have barricaded this area as best I can but don’t forget: Lock The Doors and pray you never hear tapping at the window. Fare well Doctor. I hope your luck is better than mine.*
-William the Tinker”
Exploring the house, the Dr. finds the corpse of the owner beside which sits a key. The key is used to unlock and open the two doors of the safehouse. Beside each of the doors is a button which can be used to automatically seal the doors from the inside (think the safe room in Amnesia: The Bunker).
Also scattered throughout the house are a few food items, notes and a revolver with a number of spent casings. On the upstairs landing, in the room where there is a lootable cabinet in the demo, the unbreakable door is instead locked. The reason for this can be found in William’s diary which sits on his writing desk.
“I can no longer bear to look into that mirror she gave me. Sometimes I fear that it is not only my own reflection peering back. I have locked the accursed thing away and have cast the key into the sewers with the hope that there it will remain.”
To discover more about the Tinkers Lock, which is the primary obstacle of the district, the Dr. can read other pages in the diary and notes scattered throughout the house. On William’s writing desk there also sits a map which marks key places of interest in the district.
“I sit imprisoned by a mechanism of my own making. The lock is a fiendish thing. The three-digit combination is rewritten every sixty seconds, the only way to decode the sequence is by using a Graphite Cylinder. I had a spare but the Huntsmen confiscated it and are holding it in the Old Jailhouse as evidence. I believe that brute Fitzroy means to bring me to trial, though for what crime I cannot imagine. More difficult to obtain is the key needed to access the mechanism. Father Ulfred kept a copy … but none who venture near his church return.
There may be another way to open the gate but it is so dangerous as to constitute madness. The lock draws power from the two electrical substations on either side of the district. Disabling both generators is the first step. Then, theoretically, it should be possible to disconnect the lock by severing its link to the back-up supply. To do so, one would need to brave the labyrinth of maintenance tunnels beneath the streets. All while the entire district is plunged into darkness. It is suicidal folly, but without Father Ulfred’s Key I see few other options.”
The safe house from the demo serves as a base of operations through which further expeditions can be made into the district. The basic layout of the demo remains in that the player has the freedom to tackle the objectives in any order. However the area of the district is now expanded. Example, in the dock area, there is now an apartment before crossing the bridge where the Dr. can survey the area and learn patrols from a distance. Additionally, foggy streets leading on from the Dock will take the Dr. into the Western part of the district where the Western Substation sits alongside the abandoned butchery. Similarly, beyond the power station from the demo (the Eastern Substation) are more foggy streets which lead to Father Ulfred’s Chapel and the Clearview Lodging-House.
As in the demo, the Huntsmen control the main streets, the dock, the jailhouse, the Eastern Substation and have an outpost in the maintenance tunnels/ sewers as well as at the Western Substation. But a new foe prowls the dark and misty streets where the Huntsmen fear to tread.
The Peeping-Tom.
Appearing as an abnormally tall and slender gentleman in a top hat, these strange creatures stalk the Old Quarter. The Peeping-Tom (and the Old Quarter in general) take heavy inspiration from late-Victorian Whitechapel and the Jack-The-Ripper murders. The Peeping-Tom carries a large butcher’s knife in its left hand and prowls with murderous intent. Its face is ghost white and its tattered clothes barely cover an emaciated and skeletal form.
What sets the Peeping-Tom apart from other bestial enemies is that they display a form of crude intelligence and take care to harass and terrify their prey before striking. Additionally, the Peeping-Tom is sensitive to light and will become staggered from entering a well-lit area. This includes the light generated by the Doctor’s lantern.
In combat the Peeping-Tom is very damage resistant to bullets and slashes. However, removing the top hat of the Peeping-Tom (either by shooting or slashing it) reveals a spider-like insect nestled in the skull of the creature which can be shot/stabbed to instantly kill the Peeping-Tom. Flash-grenades are particularly effective against this enemy and a single flash grenade will vaporise the puppeteering-spider and thus kill the Peeping-Tom if its hat is removed.
In general, the Peeping-Tom moves in a slow and deliberate manner akin to the Divider necromorph in Dead Space. However, if the Peeping-Tom’ss hat is removed, its movements become erratic, and its attacks are faster and inaccurate.
After being staggered by a light-source, the Peeping-Tom will flee to a darkened area before trying to stalk the Dr. once more.
Another aspect of the Peeping-Tom is that they will attempt to unnerve the Dr. by leaning around corners and tapping on the windows of buildings the Dr. has entered using their long bony fingers. While they can exhibit this behaviour if the power-stations are still active, if the power is deactivated, the Peeping-Toms expand their patrols significantly and will harass the Dr. while he is in the safehouse. The Peeping-Toms can even enter the safehouse if the doors are left open&unlocked.
A crafty Doctor could even strategically deactivate the power to enable the Peeping-Toms to thin out the hunters and make certain areas more accessible.
Other areas and notes
In traditional Imsim fashion, notes scattered throughout the district (as well as conversations between huntsmen) would also fill in the lore and backstory of events which occurred prior to the Doctor’s arrival.
For example, the armoury in the central guard house would be locked and a note attached to the door would read as follows:
“You lot are welcome to continue wasting ammunition shooting the locals but you shall no longer be using my bullets to do so. The armoury is locked until further notice. Perhaps the scarcity will encourage you to find a way out of this mess.
-Captain Fitzroy”
The sewers and passages beneath the district would also be expanded. If the substations are deactivated then the passages will be almost completely dark, thus necessitating the usage of the lantern for purposes of navigation. Like the demo, the tunnels would be populated by the Crowmen. The dark tunnels would give them ample opportunity to stalk the Doctor and lie in ambush.
In the demo, there is also a sign in the sewers which refers to the Underport. This passage would serve as a way to link the Old Quarter and Underport together. The Dr. would be able to find a key in the sewers to the room in the main safe-house which houses one of the Countess’s mirrors for later fast-traveling back to the district.
No matter which method is chosen for tackling the Tinker’s Lock, the Dr. will have to venture either into the Maintenance-Sewers or the Old Chapel. The Chapel serves as a lair of sorts for the Peeping Tom’s and several would patrol the grounds and the adjourning graveyard. Father Ulfred’s Key would sit in a crypt area beneath the Chapel. The Dr. would need to drop into the Crypt and stealth/ fight past an aggressively patrolling Peeping-Tom to open the gate to obtain the key and escape the crypt.
There would also be expanded opportunities for tackling the Jailhouse. One of the cells could house a crazed huntsmen who, upon release, attacks everything in his path (including other huntsmen) thus causing a distraction and allowing the Dr. to steal the Graphite Cylinder from the evidence locker.
No matter how they chose to do it, overcoming the Tinker’s Lock would allow the Dr. to push on from the Old Quarter and access the towering estates of Cathedral Row.
Conclusion
With the game taking heavy inspiration from Victorian London, I do think that it is only a matter of time until we get a Jack-The-Ripper inspired segment and I think that incorporating some of the spaces from the demo could be an interesting way to do this. Additionally, so much work must have gone into designing all of the spaces and passages in the demo that I think it would be a bit of a shame not to see any of that architecture in the main game.

Hi!
Need advice lang po. 1 year na po ako sa US-based company:

• WFH
• 40K
• have to process my benefits on my own. i don't pay taxes since treated as consultant ako and galing sa US yung contract. this has been helpful sa akin na student, independently supporting myself
• good company culture naman, medyo unstructured lang kaya I "wear many hats" as our CEO would say. wala naman issue sa workload or the people.
• Nagstart ako sa part-timer tapos naging full time na, learning and working as I go, and nag lead na rin ng team
• Bihira yung bonuses, pero may allowance pag nagjoin ng online events or mag onsite event (like having lunch with clients to build rapport, christmas party, etc.)
• My work is basically building things for clients, so I don't know what I'll be working on next -- just do what they want and move on to the next. Nakaka-learn pa rin naman ako, wala lang seniors na pwede tanungan or busy sila lagi kaya I'm on my own, already handling multiple new juniors. But yeah sometimes di ko lang makikita yung advancement ng career path ko kasi depende siya sa need ng client.
• Not sure din sa potential promotion.

Got contacted by a recruiter from a big company dito sa Pinas. Na-intrigue ako, so tinry ko lang magprocess and ayun, after the interviews, they wanna hire me

• 60k - only 54k will be taxable
• hybrid (4 days onsite and 1 wfh), may P2P naman daw na cheaper yung rates kesa sa normal buses/P2P. Taga Sta Rosa ako pero hinihintay ko lang yung lease ko para maka move out na ako nearer to the office sa Manila by August -- so sa first 2 months lang ako mahirapan kasi end of June potential start date.
• Di na ako magaabala sa benefits and taxes. As much as i don't want to pay taxes because the govt is shitty, parang di ko rin gusto na nag eevade ako. I'd want to do my part na rin as a citizen ngayon na ggraduate na ako.
• Sure bonuses every year and malaki daw sabi ng mga kakilala ko na nagwowork sa company and based sa glassdoor
• Okay naman yung team nung nakausap ko sila, small team pero big impact sa company. Same vibes.
• Feel ko mas may matutunan ako kasi mas marami seniors and tight-knit yung team, medyo technical yung role pero we are going to learn how it affects and grows the business din, so ma expand pa yung knowledge ko. Fast-paced din yung environment -- not sure if that's a pro or con kasi nakaka adapt naman ako pag ganun.
• Not sure din sa promotions nila.
• Feel ko rin mas maganda siya tingnan sa CV ko for the future.

Inu-underestimate ko ba yung commute? Is the increase in salary, the hassle of commuting, and loss of flexibility in my work worth it?
Would like your insights. Thanks for reading!

First / Previous
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Suzanne thought it was absolutely brilliant of me to put books on a flash drive for Sun. She explained that Sun wasn’t as sophant (her word, not mine) as she might seem, more of a repository of information, but she was fairly intelligent. It was how she was able to connect Andrew being in pain to the fact that I was friends with Andrew, and that I would want to know that he was in trouble. Apparently some of Sun’s species had given some ‘wisdom’ to others in the past and it had made its way into mythology.
The key fact was that she was not smart enough to protect herself and her kind from the clever, organized poachers. With that information in mind, it was fascinating for me to think of how Sun took in and organized what she learned. It was almost as if she was a walking, talking library.
On the topic of tours, my first one went wonderfully, and I’m almost hoping Suzanne lets me do more of them. I know not all the tourists are going to be as awesome as these people were, but Suzanne gave me a lot of slack when it comes to dealing with them. She actually said that being a smartass is not grounds for dismissal, and that if I’m sarcastic or facetious to guests who are being ‘daft’ and they complain, she really doesn’t care. Is this the perfect job for me or what?
There were four guests in this party, two adults who were sisters and two children of one of the women, brothers aged thirteen and seventeen. The tour was a birthday gift for the older of the boys from his aunt, since apparently he was passionate about animal protection and conservation.
When they arrived at the front gate, I was sitting at Andrew’s desk, going over the booklet of information one last time. When the visitors pressed the button that sounded the alert buzzer, I tucked away in a drawer and let them in. I did have a cheat sheet with information about the animals on my phone just in case, a brief notation of each of them and which enclosure they were in, but I really didn’t need to use it.
Exiting through the front door, I saw them walk up the path toward me. “Hi, I’m Ripley,” I said, holding out a hand toward the woman closest to me.
She shook it firmly. “I’m Denise. This is my sister Carla and my nephews, Wesley and Jason,” she said, motioning to each of them in turn.
“I heard it’s your birthday,” I said to Wesley, giving him a smile. “You’re interested in animal conversation?”
“Back where we live, yeah,” he said, nodding. “The animals that you’ve got here are incredible. I can’t wait to see them.”
“Well, I can’t wait to show them to you,” I said. “Right this way.”
I led them on the path around the building, toward enclosure one. Despite the horrific memories of the animal killing Stanley’s friends, I knew it was just an animal, and I had to push past my feelings on what had happened. Keeping a small smile on my face, I motioned to the enclosure. “Fiercely territorial and amazing hunters, despite their large size, they’re arboreal and known to dart from tree to tree with barely a sound. This is one of only about two thousand left in existence.”
“Two thousand, three hundred and fifty six at last count,” spoke Wesley, his eyes on the trees.
I blinked, surprised and impressed. “Well that was fantastic. Do you plan on stealing my job when you graduate?”
Wesley looked at me with a grin. “Nah, everyone knows Suzanne only offers humans this gig. And I want to help animals like this one get off the endangered species list. The zoos are great for awareness and fundraising, but then the money has to go somewhere. I want to be doing the real work.”
“That’s really great,” I told him. “I wish you all the best in that career path.” At that, we saw the animal climb down from the tree, wandering a few yards from the tree line. This was because 90% of the time, when humans were at their enclosure and making noise, whether it was speaking to each other or calling out to the animal, it was someone bringing them prey to eat. Or, in my case, enrichment toys to play with.
“Whoa,” Wesley whispered.
“How close can we get?” spoke up Jason.
“The warding starts at the fence,” I told him with a small gesture. “So, just there.”
Both boys wandered closer and I glanced at their parents. It seemed that Suzanne’s zoo had a serious reputation for high quality invisible walls, because they didn’t look worried in the slightest about the boys being hurt or killed.
“They prefer dense forest as their home and have been known to make their nests in trees up to twenty meter in the air,” I continued. “And when hunting, they’ve been seen dropping eight meters straight down. They have incredibly dense yet flexible musculature, which allows them to tackle their prey without injuring themselves.”
There was more information about the animal that I continued to rattle off, though Wesley chimed in at certain points with the info I was about to convey. That was highly entertaining and very cool. When I’d been in school, I’d never met anyone who had my level of passion about endangered animals. I wondered if things were better where these folks came from, but realized that considering there were so few of these animals left, I guessed not.
The animal paced a little bit, seemingly waiting to see if we were the kind of humans that came bearing food, before deciding we weren’t and climbing back up into the trees as easily as I would climb some stairs.
As we moved onto enclosure two, Jason spoke up. “Are there any animals here we can touch or feed or something?”
I sighed inwardly before slowing to a stop. “Well, can you show me your hands?” Jason looked bemused, holding out his hands. “I mean…they both look like they’re in great shape. You can stand to lose one.”
The two women chuckled and Wesley smirked as Jason shoved his hands into his pockets. “Very funny.”
Grinning, I started walking again. “The animals here are all carnivores and all predators. You get to see them, but that’s it.”
“Alright.”
When we reached enclosure two, I started on my next spiel. “We’ve got three reanimated dead in this enclosure,” I spoke. They were just coming out from the trees as we arrived, presumably having heard our approach. “Marissa, Connor, and Bradley. They were donated by families who knew where they would be exhibited. Their next of kin, whoever they are, can’t stand the idea of putting them down. But we need to make sure they don’t have access to corpses, because one of them plus one corpse equals two of them.”
“They eat flesh though, don’t they?” Wesley asked.
I nodded. “Oh, yeah, but it’s from bodies that have already been dismembered. There’s no chance of them being affected by the transformation because it’s all parts.”
“Oh, got it.”
The creatures with blueish-white skin had superhuman strength, which is why they qualified for the security of Suzanne’s zoo. They also were likely the source of any Earth tales of people being brought back to life as zombies, specifically draugr, according to my research. They smelled like rotting flesh, so even as I kept talking about them and giving a background to the people they used to be, we were quick to move on once Wesley had gotten a good, long look at them.
“Enclosure four’s animal is a vampiric spirit. He’s a small, hairy humanoid creature with pointed ears. He wears a hat, and if he somehow loses it, he freaks out,” I said.
“They eat horses,” Wesley noted. “Also anything that gives them the chance to sit on it, usually catching them by surprise while they’re sleeping.”
The creature came out from the brush, giving us a suspicious look. He wasn’t in his humanoid form though; for some reason, he’d chosen to shapeshift to a dog.
I nodded. “Yep, indeed. Once the prey is dead, then he’ll eat it, and he has a voracious appetite. We have two wolves and two bears in the forest, which is one of the reasons I’ve got some self-defense items,” I said, patting my belt where my pepper spray (rated for bear) and my taser. “But the wards keep them out of this area of the zoo, so it’s really not much of a worry. It’s also a known shapeshifter, preferring the form of a dog, as you can see, as well as a cat, a snake, or even white butterflies, though the last one is rare.”
“The white butterflies are supposed to be a sign of good luck,” Wesley said, glancing to me. “Too bad we got the dog.”
“Yeah, otherwise you might be able to talk your mom into getting scratch-offs on your way home, huh?”
Wesley smirked at me.
The next enclosure was Spike, and he was waiting for us, dripping wet from having just emerged from the lake. I gave the introductory information about him, which included his propensity for eating animal eyes, nails, and teeth. “Recently, I’ve given him some enrichment activities, and I learned he likes artichokes, pecans, and hazelnuts,” I said, taking a bag out from my cargo shorts. “Wesley, do you want to toss this bag into the enclosure?”
The boy’s eyes widened and he nodded excitedly. He took a look into the paper bag before wrapping down the top to make sure nothing would fly out. Then he chucked it underhand past the fence. It landed a few yards from Spike, who waddled over to it quickly and tearing the bag open, spilling out the prizes inside. As the animal ate the pecans and hazelnuts, Wesley asked, “How’d you figure out he likes those?”
“It’s not all about taste,” I told him. “It’s mainly the difficulty of getting them out of the shells. He’s used to having to work for the parts of his prey he likes the most, so this mimics that activity, and he enjoys the process. I tried a bunch of different foods to find a few he liked.”
“Cool,” Wesley murmured, staring at him.
We watched Spike eat until he’d finished and then he went back into the woods, leaving us to move onto enclosure five. Japanese camellia were plentiful here, a type of pink flower, and that was because they grew anywhere near one of his species made their den. “This girl spends most of her time in the lake also,” I said, as the creature made its way toward the fence separating us from it. “But as you can see, she’s just as curious as the rest about what we’re doing here and whether we have food for her. She eats fish mostly, but she also regularly gets live prey.”
This creature was a spider-like monster, having six legs with long claws on each, and the head of an ox with two sharp horns. She was capable of shapeshifting to look like a human, but I guessed that she wasn’t fond of it, since I hadn’t yet seen her in that form.
“She prefers the easy way of catching prey, so to speak, by hiding in the lake and pouncing when something comes for a drink of water,” I explained. “Apparently humans are some of her favorite prey. She has an advantage of being able to spit poison, which often hits her prey in the eyes. But it’s usually used in defense rather than offense, since it secretes a limited amount.”
“What kind of animal would even go after something like this?” Jason asked, staring at her.
“Never discount one of its own species when you’re thinking about what might attack an animal,” I replied. “There are places that are breeding all of the animals here, but competition for mates is common. That means an advantage in a fight, like poison or venom, can make or break who the winner is.”
“Ah, gotcha.”
“It can’t spit past the warding, right?” Carla suddenly asked.
“Oh, no,” I assured her. “We’re fine. The wards wouldn’t let anything cross over.” She nodded, appeased.
The animal in enclosure six was the ginormous seal-hippo, Fiona, and she was looking at us as if she was imagining sprinkling us with herbs and spices and stuffing us in an oven. “This girl is one animal I’m going to work on enrichment activities for next,” I told them. “She prefers to feed on crayfish, though she’s happy to eat any humans that wander into her territory. She’ll even make a sound like a baby crying to reel us in. I’ve heard it a bunch of times.”
“Can you get her to make the sound?” Jason asked, perking up.
I grinned. “Not on command, sorry.”
“What enrichment are you thinking of trying?” Wesley asked.
“Possibly food placed in puzzle feeders,” I told him, “since she has claws that are pretty dexterous. Maybe a piñata made out of newspaper with flour inside, or a scarecrow that mimics a human.”
“Awesome,” he muttered.
After a little more educational tidbits, we moved onto Yui’s enclosure. “What is that?” Wesley asked, smiling.
“I got Yui the closest thing I could to a ping-pong ball,” I replied. “She quite likes it.”
“That’s so funny,” he said as she came out of the trees in her spider form. “I mean, the idea of her being a bloodthirsty hunter who seduces men to their deaths and eats them alive, but then on the other hand, she likes playing with something like this.”
“It is a little funny,” I agreed. “But when it comes down to it, all the animals here enjoy activities besides hunting.”
“She can shapeshift to look human, right?” asked Jason, trying to be casual about knowing something factual like his nerdy brother.
I nodded. “She looks like a woman from a region of Earth called Japan. And she’ll use strategies like holding out a hand to shake to get you closer. She tried that on me when I first got here but, as you can see,” I said, holding up my hands and waving them, “I didn’t fall for it.”
The boys both laughed as they got closer to the fence, watching her slowly pace near the trees.
Next was Sun, but she didn’t make an appearance as I spoke about her species. “Well…unfortunately we can’t guarantee that every animal comes out to say hi,” I sighed. “But…oh wait, here she is.”
The green lion with several horns and many eyes along her flank came out from the forest. “Hello,” she spoke.
“Hi, Sun,” I replied. “We have visitors.”
“What’s that?” Wesley asked suddenly, pointing at the small plastic bag that was still where I’d left it.
“Oh! That is Sun’s enrichment,” I said with a smile. “I put dozens of books on a flash drive and found that she can read them just like she’d read a shelf of books.”
Wesley’s eyes widened. “Wow. I don’t think I’ve read about anyone trying that before. That’s really cool.”
“The books are new and interesting,” Sun spoke, drawing our attention. “I’m grateful for them.”
I nodded to her. “You’re quite welcome.”
The next animal, unfortunately, wasn’t there, and we waited around for ten minutes as we discussed him. He was large and reptile-like with red eyes, with its hind legs and tail making him look vaguely like a kangaroo. Then, enclosure ten was a terrifyingly disturbing creature, the not-a-centaur with no skin, that I’d only seen a few times while walking my route. It gave a good demonstration of its ferocity, showing its sharp teeth and snapping at us a few times.
“I’m thinking of trying salt licks and other horse enrichment like a big bouncy ball,” I told Wesley, whose eyebrows went up at that. “Maybe give him more things to forage like scattered grains or a box filled with pinecones and seeds. Foraging is a huge part of a horse’s life in the wild, and humans have to do a lot of activities like that to keep pet horses busy. Of course, he also loves the little salt-water lake that was built for him.”
We spent some time looking at the animal before moving past our last stop, the empty enclosure of the animal was stolen. Carla glanced at me with a sad smile, knowing what had happened, it seemed. I gave her a nod as we continued on our way, walking into the office. “So, I hope everyone enjoyed themselves!” I said with a smile.
“That was the coolest birthday present I’ve ever gotten,” Wesley said, looking to Denise. “Thanks so much, seriously.”
“It was my pleasure,” she said with a nod. “I’d never been here before, and knew I’d find it fascinating. Thank you for the educational aspect,” Denise said, glancing at me. “I learned quite a lot.”
“Happy to hear it,” I said, returning the nod.
As I escorted the guests out of the zoo and locked the door behind them, I reflected on how much I’d changed. The first time I’d seen Yui’s tarantula form, I’d nearly passed out from fear. Now here I was, walking tourists around like it was no big deal. Humans really can adapt to anything, it seems.
That afternoon, Suzanne had texted me that she was coming by after my shift, and I met her in Andrew’s office, shutting the door to the security room behind me. “How’s Andrew?” I asked first thing.
“He’s doing well,” she said with a wide smile. “Back on non-hospital food. He’s allowed to order food on his phone, and to hear it from him, that’s the best news he’d received in a long time.”
I chuckled. “I guess some clichés are true for a reason.”
“Indeed.” She took a breath. “All right. Ripley…I would like to discuss something with you.”
My face went slack at the serious tone in her voice. “I’m not… Am I being fired?”
“What? No!” she exclaimed. Then she chuckled softly. “No, it’s nothing like that. Just, here, let’s have a seat.” Suzanne walked over to the couch and sat at one end, and I took the other. “There’s something I need to tell you. Something I’ve kept from you, that I wanted to keep from you until you found your sea legs here.”
“Well…I have,” I said with a nod. “So, what is it?”
Suzanne took a breath. “I knew your mother.”
The words hung in the air for a moment before making their way to my ears. It was a perfectly logical sentence, and yet it didn’t make any sense. “What?” I finally managed.
“When you graduated college, I decided to move the zoo from Italy to within driving distance of your home,” she said softly. “Near enough to your town that you’d see the advert. We ignored any other applicants and I hoped you’d apply. Actually, I expected you’d apply. Not just for the money, but considering the field you wanted to go into. As soon as I’d found out your major, I knew.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” I said, holding up a hand. I pinched the bridge of my nose. “How do you know Patricia?”
“She owned the zoo before I did,” Susan explained. “Fourteen years ago…she was working to track an injured animal that we could bring into the zoo and she was killed by poachers.”
My heart calcified in my chest and a lump lodged in my throat. As my breaths became shaky, I stared at her in shock. “She…she’s really dead?”
“You suspected?” she asked softly.
“It…” I swallowed hard. “We had her declared legally dead after…I don’t know, seven years I think. My dad wanted to go after her for child support, but the police said…they said they couldn’t find…” Tears came to my eyes and I blinked them back before I met Suzanne’s gaze. “She owned the zoo?”
Suzanne nodded. “It was her baby, you’d say. When Patricia passed, I inherited it, which we’d discussed beforehand, a legal just-in-case that I never expected her to need. I’m under the impression that you were told she went to Africa for her photography career, but she was in fact going to remote areas back in my home world almost every time.”
“But I-I saw the photos,” I said, my eyes narrowing. “You’re telling me she put on a show of getting pictures that someone else took for us to see every time she visited? Did my dad even know?”
“I suppose that’s an accurate way to put it, putting on a show. And no, your father was never told. It’s not the way of things to tell humans unless it’s necessary. I won’t bore you with the details, but us and humans, we’re distant relatives, so we can still have children. But it wasn’t planned. Your mother fell in love with your father despite herself; she hadn’t meant to find love. Then she became pregnant with you and…well, the rest is history.”
“I think she had a different definition of love than the one I have,” I said tightly. “You’d think she’d have put her survival as more of a priority. Put being with the man she ‘loved’ as a priority. Her kids needed her. I needed her. She signed up when she became a mom. She could’ve screwed up all the time but she couldn’t even manage that one job: be there. When I was in the hospital, I kept thinking, ‘Where is she?’ and now you’re telling me that she put these animals above being there for her kids, and this whole time she’s been dead.”
“The hospital?” she asked, furrowing her brows.
“Never mind,” I said tersely, averting my gaze.
Suzanne hesitated before she nodded slowly. “I’m sorry for your loss, and not just for her death, Ripley,” she told me. “Patricia was…well, a ‘free spirit’ would be putting it gently. She always assumed the world would be there for her whenever she needed it.”
Staring at her for a long moment, I shook my head. “Why? Why come here and hire me?”
“I thought that would be obvious,” she said, smiling. “Your mother was so passionate about this place and once I found out your college major, I figured you would be as well.”
“Did you know that I hate her?” At that, Suzanne’s expression froze on the edge of shock. “She…she left us,” I whispered. “Didn’t tell us who she was or what she really did for a living and gave us no closure. And even when she was here, it was just visiting. Her real home was her work. She could give me all the presents she wanted, but even when she was here, half the time she was still on her computer doing work. It’s not like that stereotype of never making it to my tennis practice or something; it’s that it always felt like she was only partially here, even when I was sitting next to her. I don’t even know if I appreciate her turning me into a wildlife fanatic because it…it…makes me feel like I’m close to her in a way that’s just infuriating. She loved the animals more than she loved us.”
“Oh, Ripley-”
“Don’t,” I said, shoving myself to my feet. “Don’t try to convince me otherwise.”
“I wasn’t going to,” she said quietly. I pursed my lips. “I was going to say that I’m sorry that was the case. Your mother was…flawed, just like any other person. She had two loves in this world: her family and her work. And often, her work overcame her, her zeal for environmentalism getting in the way of being a good mum. She left your father trying to fill the role of two parents, holding your family together. You and your brother and your father, you all deserved better than that.”
My lower lip quivered but I bit down on it hard. It would’ve been a lot easier for me if she’d been speaking from a place of clueless reassurance about all this. But everything she said was making sense and that meant I didn’t have someone in front of me to be angry with.
“Why didn’t you tell me when Andrew hired me?” I sighed, sitting back down on the couch.
“Well, like I said, I wanted you to find your sea legs,” she said with a small smile. “I didn’t want the truth affecting whether or not you wanted to work here, whether you wanted to stay here after finding out about what the animals are. It would’ve complicated things, the emotions you’ll have to work through now that you know the truth. Whether or not you decide to give another tour, you also know what they’re like. That’s the benchmark I wanted you to reach before you found out about who you are.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Who I-” My face went slack. “Wait.”
Suzanne nodded slowly. “You’re only half human. Your brother too.”
The room seemed to tilt on an axis for a moment. “That means I’m also half…what?”
“We call ourselves Eldritch, these days,” she replied.
My eyes bugged out. “What?” I exclaimed. “So you’re all, like, gods or something?”
Suzanne burst out laughing. “Oh no, goodness, no,” she chuckled. “It’s just a word. We live in a very different world from this one, and a few generations ago we discovered the word and it made its way into our lexicon. But it does mean you can see all the animals. Indeed you did, on the tour you gave.”
“Wait, no, I had the glasses that…” I stopped. “Did those glasses do anything?”
She gave a sly smile and shook her head. “Not a thing. You made incredibly quick progress, and then when it came time for the tour, all you needed was to expect to see the animals, and you did.”
Genetics. That’s what Andrew had said during our interview, that part of how many animals you could see was determined by genetics. I guess having a mother who was originally from the other dimension gave me all the genes I needed to see everything here. “Could I…visit your world?” I asked tentatively. “You said that my mom took photos of the animals there. Could I…” My voice trailed off, not even sure if or how I wanted to finish that sentence.
“Those who are half human, especially those who are raised on Earth, don’t come visit,” she said gently. “I could show you some photos of other animals, and I could loan you as many books as you’d like, but it’s simply not a place where you’d be safe.”
“Oh,” I said, leaning into the couch cushion as I pictured the animals in the zoo. “Yeah, actually that…makes sense.” I paused. “So, what now?”
“It’s up to you,” she said. “I wanted to wait until I was sure you were comfortable with your position here, and then put the ball in your court. And so it is. What do you want to do now?”
What did I want to do? It wasn’t that difficult a question, just a deep, serious one.
I wanted to thrive, as the animals did. This is my enrichment now, working at an incredible, wonderful, terrifying zoo. The experience so far hasn’t been perfect, and I know there are risks, but life isn’t about staying safe. It’s about learning new things and making a difference in the world. And, if you’re lucky, having a job that’s something really special.
​
THE END
​
First / Previous
***
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Scott Masterson had first met Scarlett at a rooftop party in downtown Dallas. Their age and the time of year were both in late springtime, them in their mid twenties and the date in early May. He had on a sharp yet breezy blazer and she astonished in a thigh length sleeveless blue dress.
“Oh hey Scott I don’t believe you two have met…” his then happily married friend had remarked with a slow swinging open hand toward her.
“Scott Masterson…reluctant friend to this knucklehead” he said with a tight lipped grin, trying not to be so obvious with his instant rapture.
“Scarlett…a pleasure…”
Her hand was so delicate to Scott’s touch. They locked eyes. It was like looking back through centuries of connection, endless days of laying in the sun next to the Seine River, or rising to Hollywood fame in the 1940’s and only having each other who would understand the glory and the pain of it all, or generations of quiet, simple country love that would bear such beautiful, happy children that would go on to raise beautiful, happy children, all with their dark blue eyes. Yes, the memories of every love story since the beginning of time was swirling right there in Scarlett’s irises. Scott had to catch himself before he stared embarrassingly too long.
“Sorry Scottie here doesn’t get out often” his friend quipped, which Scott appreciated actually, it helped him snap back to professionalism.
“Well I don’t either…at least I prefer not to.” Scarlett’s words flowed through the air like a flock of rose petals.
“Hey, kindred spirits.” Scott was really sensing a rising energy out of her, they had barely broken eye contact.
“Well, I’ll let you two have at it, I got a wife around here somewhere. Hey…Scott and Scarlett…not bad, not bad.” His friend exited stage right with a sly chuckle.
“Nice guy…so…what are you drinking, Scarlett?” Scott looked around for the emptiest corner of the rooftop bar, hoping to find a nice place for them to be able to hear each other. This night had just become something.
“That depends, Scott…what do you like?”
Oh man.
Well, as you can expect, the evening blossomed into a beautiful, long winded conversation that etched a long list of similarities between the two. They both lived in the city, had never married, and had dreamed of stable, simpler lives far away from tall buildings and busy streets. The next morning Scott awoke in her arms, which warmed much deeper than just his skin. He could feel her soothing his very identity, his future, everything. Her arms were tailor made to fit his very soul, and he had never felt more safe and at home.
“Mmm…you can stay right here…” she whispered, eyes still closed.
“I will…I will”
They both fell back asleep, into a dream that wouldn’t end upon waking.
Two years passed and suddenly they lived that simple backwoods life, way out where acres of land far out-populated the few and far between people. They took a lovely home, which happily looked over a long backyard, right up to a lively yet mostly undisturbed river. Their only neighbor within a mile was an older ranch worker named Charles, who rarely made himself perceivable. Days were spent way on into town where they both had offices. They didn’t mind the commute. Nights were spent mostly like this night, cuddled outside near a lovely little fire, with a slowly shrinking amount of wine sitting between them. Enjoying their Kingdom. Tonight, however, would prove to be a special night, for many reasons, all unexpected.
“Honey, I’ve been thinking…” Scott began, sitting up and opening his hands to the warmth of the fire.
“Oh?” Scarlett also sat up, eyes widening.
“So look, Scarlett, the last two years have been the best of my life. An absolute dream…”
She held her breath, her focus darting between his eyes and mouth.
“Yeah?”
“We have everything we ever want out here. But…what if there’s more?”
“More?” She had envisioned this very conversation hundreds of times.
“Our dreams have come true, but what if we…made some new dreams?” Scott turned and embedded his eyes into hers. He burst into a big smile.
“Scott…I thought…”
“Nevermind what I said” he cut her off, which he always made a point to never do, but this was a good exception.
“I’m ready, Scarlett…let’s have a family.”
“Ohhhh Scott, oh Scott”
They hugged tight enough to where it hurt.
“Well, in that case, we may need to open another bottle.” She said playfully, bouncing her eyebrows twice.
“Excellent. I’ll be right up. I’ll put this fire out and then start yours up.”
“Oh stop!” She bounded away girlishly, up the snowy back steps and into the house.
Scott let out a big sigh that he could see in the cold air and sat back in his chair, taking in his decision. He really was ready. He had secretly been keeping a long list of names that he liked and that he thought would work in front of Masterson. Especially little girl names. He stared into the campfire flames, getting lost imagining the three of them sitting right here, a little girl resting securely in Scarlett’s arms, as Scott had found himself, and stayed within these past two years.
Suddenly his trance was broken when, from the road in front of their house, came the sound of a vehicle approaching at high speed. Scott snapped his head back toward the house to get a better listen. He could see, around the house and through the trees, a large truck barreling down the country road, its headlights racing and bouncing with intensity. In an instant, it had passed up the road and out of sight.
“Huh?”
Soon, after a moment of silence, another sound echoed into the night. This sound rattled Scott to the bone and tore all that was right in his world into pieces. A sharp, bellowing squeal. His eyes shot over to his neighbors house, which was about a tenth of a mile to his right but still had a couple dim lights on that he could see. The shriek seemed to come from there.
Then, more squeals. It was hellish. More than animal but not quite human. Scott stood up. He heard crashing and tearing and further destruction coming from Charles’ house.
“Scarlett!! Scarlett!” He yelled toward his house, where he looked and could see her silhouette behind the curtains at the kitchen window. She didn’t seem to hear him.
He turned back toward his neighbors. The chaos had gone quiet. Not a half a moment after, though, he heard something big barreling through the trees as fast as that truck had been sprinting. Running, running furiously between the two houses. Searching, hunting. Scott was taken aback so hard that his heel had caught the edge of the fire pit, throwing him down only inches away from severe burns. He had knocked his head in the whiplash, making him groan and take a moment to regain his bearings.
“SCARLETT!!!!”
He screamed out toward his home as he sat up, rubbing a quickly rising bump on the back of his head. He heard a loud breaching on the side of his house. The patio door. No. No. Then, all hell broke loose. Scarlett started wailing and crying and he could hear crashes of plates and glasses and deep guttural roars coming from the kitchen inside. Shadows danced in a frenzy from the curtained windows. Sounds of instinctual survival seemed to be thrown from Scarlett inside. Sounds of defeat. Sounds of agony. Sounds of insanity. Scott sprang to his feet, his equilibrium being more damaged than he realized after his fall. He had to catch his hand on a chair to stabilize himself. Scarlett’s symphony of pain had gone quiet. Soon after something burst back out the patio door again and off in the same direction as that truck before.
Scott struggled back up to the house, slowly climbing the wintered, crunching stairs that led to the patio. He no longer yelled for Scarlett. In fact, the only thing that came to his senses was the sound of his own heavy breathing. Everything else had been turned off, save for a heavy and sudden dread that he had prayed he would never feel. He came to the side of his house where indeed the patio door had been busted and forced open. It laid inside the kitchen, its hinges snapped like toothpicks. Scott, with eyes wide and twitching, slowly entered his home and looked into the kitchen.
He didn’t scream. He didn’t even change his breathing. He didn’t blink. He just got a good long look at what laid before him.
Everything was broken. The fridge was on its side, the door hanging open and food and drink scattered all over the floor. The table was upended, its legs to the ceiling. A chair was resting on the counter, possibly having been thrown in defense. And Scarlett. Oh Scarlett. She…was…everywhere. She was all over the floor. She was sprayed against the walls. She was stuck to the window. She was in the sink.
Scott gently walked through the carnal mess and sabotage of his world. Long ago he had known exactly what he would do if something anywhere near this bad were to happen to him. He politely stumbled through the kitchen, down the hall, and into the bedroom. He opened his closet door and lowered a fire safe from the top rack. He unlocked it with a passcode. 511, after that warm May date when he had first met Scarlett. In the safe was a Sig Sauer P320 handgun. Scott took it out, along with a box of bullets, loaded one into the gun, put the safe back on its rack, and walked out of the closet, sitting on his bed. Their bed. Where they should’ve been laying right at this very moment, working toward a happy future. Where he would’ve kissed her forehead and put a hand on her growing midsection. Where they would have awoken on Christmas morning to the sound of children who were way too excited to remain asleep. Where they would’ve grown old. Where they would’ve smiled at each other through wrinkles, satisfied with all the love they shared and passed on to the next generations. Where they would’ve held each other in deep peace as they finally fell asleep to this world.
“I will…I will”
In one quick motion Scott pulled back the hammer and stuck the barrel of that pistol right up against his Governor and blew himself away, far away, right back into Scarlett’s loving arms.
Jeremy “Smallmouth” Bassett quickly yet stealthily made his way back to his Uncle’s house. He hugged the sides of the dark country road, keeping his eyes and ears wide open as to notice any sounds pertaining to the event that he had just witnessed there in the field next to the huge blaze. His only thought was Uncle Chuck. His house was right on the warpath of that horrible thing and Smallmouth had to go to him and make sure he was safe. He dared not go back to his truck, which would bring a lot of unwanted attention. No, Smallmouth walked and walked and finally saw the lights of his Uncle’s house. He carefully approached the front door from the shadowed driveway. Suddenly it occurred to Smallmouth that something was very wrong here. The door was busted in, having been plowed through by something very large and very strong.
“No…no…no”
Smallmouth slowly entered the house. The kitchen and living room were a disaster, chairs and tables and bottles strewn about and shattered. Bloody hoof-prints covered the floors, each of them the size of dinner plates. Smallmouth heard no noise. He felt himself well with tears, his nose a faucet that he began to sniff up as he worked his way through to his Uncle’s room, the door there also being broken in. A small whine growing in his throat, Smallmouth peaked into his uncles bedroom.
It was all in tatters. The bed had been attacked and shredded, the mattress being ripped up and thrown about as if it were made of cotton candy. More bloody hoof-prints were painted all over the brown carpet. Smallmouth trembled and put a hand up to his wet face. He didn’t see a way that his Uncle was anywhere near alive, knowing what he knew about the monster that had been in this house.
Smallmouth slowly walked to the living room, to the only little table that had been untouched in the attack. It was almost as if the bottle of whiskey teleported into his hand from the overturned cabinet, unopened. He fixed that real quick.
Soon he was several pulls deep of the only thing in the world that he knew would make him feel better, even if only for a few hours. He found his pack of cigarettes in his coat pocket and lit one up, although he was indoors. What did it matter? He sat in a chair that he had turned right side up and set the bottle on the table and looked out the back window into the pitch black. He cried for his Uncle and he cried for the world. He cried for himself. He cried for broken promises and his own weakness. He drank and drank until his vision shook from right to left everywhere he looked. At first he didn’t even notice the figures on the back porch. Then his vibrating focus did pick up on them, but by then it was too late. It was so dark out there but in their outlines he could see they wore long robes and hoods.
“HA!! COME AND GET ME! HAHA!! YOU COME AND YOU GET ME!!” Smallmouth boasted with a delusional amount of courage.
A creak escaped from the kitchen and he drunkenly slung his head over toward it. Three more figures stood there. Or was it just one? Smallmouth was none the wiser. All at once the hooded intruders from both inside and outside began to chant a strange, twisted rhyme in strikingly low and dissonant harmony:
“A sliver…of liver…goes down…with a shiver… …and gives…your gullet…to gall… …but drink…the Cider…that drowns…the Spider… …and you…will be free…of it all… …so tighten the grip…that loosens your lips… …O raise…the bottle…of brown… …and wake tomorrow…to find…in sorrow… …ANOTHER…SPIDER…TO…DROWN”
Smallmouth groaned at them in dissatisfaction and turned his bottle up again and began to chug the whiskey. As he did they repeated the chant except this time it was louder and closer. By the time Smallmouth had finished his bottle he was quickly losing consciousness. This wasn’t just whiskey. As he closed his eyes he felt hands grabbing him from all sides.
Smallmouth pulled open his sticky eyelids. His head felt like someone had bowled a strike into it. Wind froze his face. The smell of sickly, wet iron stung his nostrils. His vantage was higher than usual. Way higher. He was looking out into another field, but from easily ten feet up. He saw an old church, formerly painted white but now a flaky pale-beige. He heard the friction of a quick pull of rope below him, matched with a slight, tight pain at his feet. He looked down. A red-robed figure was fastening him against a wooden structure of some kind. His feet sat on a small flat platform perpendicular to a post that went from the ground up past smallmouths head. He couldn’t move his arms, so he quickly shot his eyes side to side. They were also tied to another horizontal post. A cross. He was being tied to a crude wooden cross. His shirt had been removed, exposing a hairy, overweight belly. Smallmouth tried to speak, but all that came out was a slow, unintelligible grumble. He was still drunk. No, this was more than that. He was under the influence of something strong and absolutely inhibitive. He wallowed again, and took in a deep breath. The smell of iron once again hit his nose. He looked down at himself. He was covered in a thick, red liquid. That wasn’t just the smell of iron. He had been splashed full body with blood.
“Now now, young servant…” the figure at his feet had finished his task and took a couple of steps out to admire his own handiwork.
“Ahh…perfect. The picture of martyrdom. Yes, you will always be remembered, Brother Bassett. You are to be the first Saint of The New Bible.” He opened his arms in his declaration.
Smallmouth looked up into the cold night sky. The moon shown down, giving everything a midnight spotlight. It was a gorgeous waxing gibbous, big and bright but not quite full. Yes, he was in a great big snowy field that housed an old worn down church. From the windows of the church he saw candles glowing, showing dark heads and shoulders looking out to him, also covered in loose hoods, hiding faces. He was hanging on a cross about one hundred feet from the old church. In front of the cross was a partially covered pit, a couple of two by fours supporting double armfuls of branches and dead leaves.
The figure at the base of the cross put his arms back to his side. He was still looking right at the drugged Smallmouth’s dumbstruck face. Even with a veiled mouth you could hear the twisted smile in his voice.
“Tonight you will help us finally defeat this legion, Smallmouth. You see, it may have the evil spirits within it, but at its core, it is still an owned animal. An animal that knows its Master very well. An animal that will remember the smell of its Master. You, my friend, are covered in its Master right now. And you are hanging on a cross, the symbol of this brute’s most hated enemy. But take heart, young Brother. Before you is our pit of spears. Yes you will attract the beast, but our Divine plan will intercept it and the beast will fall and be pierced. And then, oh dear brother, you will forever be immortalized. You will be purified in fire by the hands of your church brethren. Out of your screams and into the smoke the iniquities of all will be released. We will go on to preach your good example and your sainthood forever and ever.”
Smallmouth began to drool and hum pathetically. He could hear and understand the words of the robed man but he couldn’t fight back. His body was useless, limp inside its rope confines. All he could do now is think, and watch, and wait, and dread his fate.
The figure turned away from him, walking over near the pit and gathering up a bundle of brambles and throwing them over the last open area, covering it completely. He then crunched through the snow over to the front door of the old church, groaning open the door. He stood at the dark doorway for a few seconds in silence, and then began to make a noise. An over exaggerated pig squealing noise, high pitched and infuriating. Soon after other voices from inside the church began to do the same, their wailing echoing out of the building and all across the field, loudly signaling, calling out. It may as well have been a dinner bell. Not a half minute after they began the distress signal it was loudly answered by a distant squall. A furious squall.
This was it. Either way it happened Smallmouth was about to die. Experience terror, and then die, and not even have the ability to put up any kind of defense. It wasn’t fair. He just slowly lifted up his head and watched out far into the moonlit, white field. He then raised his heavy head further and took a good gander at the moon and stars for the last time.
“God,” he thought to himself, still having full inner monologue yet no outer motor function, “I am so sorry. I am so sorry for being what I am. I am so sorry for ending up in this place. It’s only my own fault. If it wasn’t for me being so stupid and messy and drunk and terrible then this wouldnt be happening to me.”
He began to shed tears that washed lines into the blood on his face.
“Please forgive me God. Please, please, please forgive me for all of my sins. This is it. I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. PLEASE FORGIVE ME!!!!” He yelled inside his own mind, hoping and trying to send his silent words as far up into heaven as they could go.
He lowered his eyes back to the ground. He looked over at the church again. The windows were empty, the candles were extinguished. Those hooded cowards were hiding from their own handmade sacrificial service. All was quiet for a long pause until a much louder, closer bleating began at the edge of the forest not even three hundred feet away from Smallmouth’s glazed over eyes. It was time, and it was too late for a miracle.
Out of the woods, slowly and heavily, stomped the massive hog. As it marched closer and closer Smallmouth could see its white, boiled over eyes and black-burnt skin. Its jaws were flying open and snapping its sharp, pocket knife-sized teeth together in an intimidating “clack”. It was now less than a hundred feet away, the dark old church to its right shoulder. It stopped, its pale glowing eyes fixed right on Smallmouth on the crude cross. It truly was a monster. It stood as tall as a man and as long as a canoe. Around its murderous mouth were stains of red, the remnants of all that it had taken from the world on this unholy night. In its clanging jaws were bits of flesh. It snorted and scowled.
Then, in a fury, it wailed that horrible squeal and started off into a dead sprint. It galloped and galloped toward Smallmouth at a high, blistering speed. It kept yawping and howling as it cut the distance from the cross down to fifty feet, forty feet, thirty, twenty. All at once it passed over the covered pit and plunged in. In his doomed, dead eyed stupor Smallmouth could hear what sounded like paint being dumped from a rooftop onto concrete. Trails of black liquid squirted and splashed up from the pit, which had been uncovered in the fall of the beast. Unbelieving, Smallmouth saw dozens of steel spear tips standing up from the dug-in ground. Right in the middle of them the beast was stuck. The sheer weight of the animal had caused the spears to pierce through its tough skin, sticking out of its back, soaked in black blood. One spear had stabbed right under the hogs chin, passing up through its jaws and out its black snout. It made agonized sounds. It roared and roared and shook the spears inside it, beginning furiously, then growing weaker and weaker within seconds. Finally, it let out one last weak little squeal, before it went still and quiet.
Smallmouth was frozen both physically by drugs and constraints and mentally by shock. His mouth hung open toward the pit of spears, his vision blurry. He took in a deep, troubled breath and let out a moan of disbelief and relief. The old church doors sprang open, and the sound of jubilation within flowed out into the night. The red robed figures flocked out of the building toward the pit, arms raised in celebration. They surrounded the hole, getting a good look at their success and their enemies defeat. Some held additional spears and began further stabbing the dead animal, causing more black blood to be shed up at them. They all yelled loudly and triumphantly. Some danced around the pit. Some skipped over to Smallmouth on the cross and danced around him, slapping his legs and spinning in circles.
Smallmouth looked on at the raucous celebration, both in utter disbelief of their trap actually working and also in turmoil. How long now until they fully execute their plan.
A taller robed man, whose voice matched the same one who spoke to Smallmouth as he tied his feet, spoke up, sounding almost happily intoxicated.
“Ahh yes my Brothers!! It is done!! We have won!!!”
They all whooped and cheered.
“Brother Norman, go into the church and bring me the small tank of fuel. Let us send our dear Saint Bassett to the Holy lands, where he will be adored for all eternity!”
They all clapped and hollered. One figure began childishly skipping away from the pit and over toward the front door of the church.
Then, it happened.
From the pit all of a sudden a great blaze erupted instantly. It stood as tall as the cross, and it burned a furious red and blue. It raged and raged, blinding Smallmouth and making him clumsily turn his face away from the heat.
All of the figures panicked, screaming and scattering away toward the church. They didn’t get far. Up from the fiery pit, dozens of long, long, black arms, adorned with six hooking claws emerged and stretched out of the flames and latched on to the legs of those trying to escape. Smallmouth heard crying and wailing from the men as the black, razor clawed-hands of the legion grabbed them and began pulling them back, into the blazes. One by one the red robed people were dragged into the flames, their clothes catching instantly. Smallmouth could see violently shaking bodies in the evil furnace. Oh, the screams. Above the tortured howling, the sound of laughing broke out. Deep, menacing laughter, hundreds of voices, echoed up into the air from the burning hole. Then, in one extinguishing squeeze, the ground swallowed the entirety of the fiery pit, leaving it completely covered in dirt, still and quiet. Soon after, and just like the pit of spears, the old church building caught in an instant and raging fire, quickly toppling the walls and dropping the steeple into its ruins. The smoke towered high in the night sky, which had just began to hint at a pale morning blue. Smallmouth hung on his cross in utter horror and surprise.
As the late evening hours glowed into early morning the smoke eventually tapered off, as Smallmouth’s drugs finally began to wear off as well. The fires of the church did garner long distance attention, though. Just as Smallmouth was able to regain control of his muscles and voice he heard emergency sirens call out into the cold morning air. Not long after, two fire trucks, an ambulance and a sheriffs truck tore into the field and toward Smallmouth on the cross. Not long after Smallmouth could feel the tied ropes being cut loose by firemen, their uniforms easily the best red clothes he had seen all night.
“What on God’s green Earth happened here son?” A bearded man with a dark hat and brown shirt and pants asked Smallmouth once he had been lowered down from the cross and sat on the ground with a shock blanket around his shoulders. The Sheriff, no doubt.
“God’s green Earth. It really is God’s, isn’t it?” Smallmouth whispered, staring out across the cold field. Then, at the very place he was staring, an old, familiar truck came barreling out of the gravel road in the woods and through the field in the steadily growing morning light. It was Uncle Chuck’s truck. It hurried over toward the other emergency vehicles, parked, the driver’s side door burst open, and Uncle Chuck came bounding out over to Smallmouth, his eyes wide and his mouth a wonderfully shocked “O”.
“JEREMY! JEREMY!!!” He basically fell on Smallmouth in a tight, warm hug. Smallmouth was caught off guard by Chuck using his real name.
His Uncle held him for several seconds and then let up, but kept his hands on Smallmouth’s shoulders.
“I thought you were dead.” Both of them said at almost the exact same time.
“I came back and your house was a mess and there was blood everywhere. I thought you were dead.” Smallmouth weakly spat out.
“Well, I woke up and you were gone, son, so I walked to the ranch to get my truck. I was worried bout ya son. I came back home and the whole place had been turned upside down. Blood on the carpet. I just thought the worst. Then I tried my neighbors house. Buddy, they’re dead. Looks like some wacko murder-suicide if I ever saw one. Scott probably tried to come kill us too and wrecked the place when he found it empty. I don’t know. But what I DO know is that you are right here! You are okay Jeremy!! Ahhh Praise Jesus!!”
“It’s not that, Uncle. That isn’t what happened out here. It’s..it was a..a, uh…”
Smallmouth’s fried brain couldn’t even comprehend what he had witnessed over the past few hours. It was all a violent blur.
“Dont worry bout it son, you can tell me everything on the way to the hospital. We gotta go get you checked out and cleaned up. C’mon.” He helped Smallmouth up and they walked over to the ambulance, his Uncle’s arm thrown around his shoulder.
Smallmouth would be sent home later that afternoon. It would take him and his Uncle a long time to sort through the chaos of that deadly night and rebuild their lives. But life kept on. Smallmouth would remain living with his Uncle, and would begin a job working with him down at the ranch. Together they started to attend a local church. Smallmouth never touched a drink or a drug or even a cigarette ever again, and remained steadfast in his newly revitalized faith.

Kena: Bridge of Spirits is such a good game despite being so… well… basic.
It’s simple — almost overly so — yet it is beloved by so many seasoned and experienced gamers.
What I got curious about after playing the game myself and reading a number of pseudo-reviews online was how exactly it achieved this.
How did a package so entry-level-looking garner such respect by 201 and 301 students?
--
The ‘Fields’ region is a great example of Kena’s dichotomy.
It’s gorgeous and inviting, with sea-foamed vistas, lush landscape and rushing waterways. There’s a even a big, lovable pet bull towering over the myriad of cute little Rot dudes scampering through the foliage. The whole place is just friendly.
Why then, does it end up being one of the game’s longest, deepest and most complex sections? Consider its many scattered puzzles, which ask you to combine platforming, archery, environmental awareness and combat proficiency. There’s even a handful of red herring platforms that you can’t properly interact with until later in your puzzle solving endeavor.
The ‘Fields’ are a microcosm of the game as a whole. A childish, Pixar-esque shell which, when uncovered, reveals a complex, involved gameplay experience underneath.
Kena: Bridge of Spirits invites you to be a kid, but treats you like an adult. This is something very few games manage — or even attempt — and it’s what makes Kena so unique, memorable and special.
--
Kena crushes its tone and aesthetic on all fronts to create something that’s desirable and attainable to a group outside of hardcore gamers.
Kena’s visuals are youthful and welcoming by using cartoonish and fairytale-esque art design. The game’s companions do the same — the Rot are your constant brigade of adorable little plush-like, Pikimin-esque comrades who hop as you walk, munch on berries, clumsily trip over each other, and squeak in pitches that can only described as ‘cute.’ You can even give them little hats to wear. They’re pets and it’s all so mired in youthful innocence that I cringe even typing it.
From a distance, Kena appears childish and immature based on its outward appearance. That is, until you peel back its outer layer.
--
The game looks like something your five-year-old might enjoying toying with on your iPad, “you-got-games-on-yo-phone?” style. But there are four elements in its building blocks that make it a game not optimized for your five-year-old on their own;

1. Narrative
2. Puzzles
3. Platforming
4. Combat

Narrative
As far as the game’s story is concerned, it may begin bright and innocent enough, but it deals not-abstractly with death and loss.
Consider that all three boys you meet in the early game — Taro, Benni and Saiya are actually dead, I-see-dead-people style. Consider also that Kena’s entire journey revolves around the loss of her own father and her desire to reconnect with him.
Additionally, it is Toshi’s selfishness and his desire to be the hero that actually ends up bringing death and destruction to his village when he jumps the gun and kills and the mountain spirit in cold blood.
Merciless affronts on nature and an up-front dealing with death and grief are not exactly for the young of age, despite their youthful packaging.
Puzzles
It would be a waste of word count to explain in detail the steps necessary to complete certain puzzles in Kena just as a set of examples to prove the point.
If you’ve played or watched gameplay, you know the puzzles are surprisingly involved, consisting often of multiple steps to complete that build on each other and require the use of all of your abilities in tandem.
One of the bigger “ah-hah” moments I recall was when I realized I could order my Rot minions to move objects while Kena stood on top of said object in order to give me a leg up to jump to a previously unreachable ledge.
Platforming
Speaking of ledges, jumping to and from them is tight and precise in Kena.
Platforming challenges are often timed (your aura-bomb weapon only activates platforms for specifically-timed bursts). Combining their scheduled nature with the need to rotate them via precise archery, mid-air grappling segments and more makes for a movement experience that is involved enough to demand the player’s full attention for every tick of the clock.
Kena and her world’s gravity also have a decided, predictable weight to them that’s not exactly forgiving, meaning the act of jumping to and fro is exact while also requiring exactness.
Combat
Fighting the enemies of Kena is similarly involved.
The cadence with which the game throws opponents your way combined with the complexities of dealing meaningful damage to said opponents creates a combat scenario which demands the player fluidly wield and swap between both melee and ranged options while carefully managing space on the battlefield.
Kamikaze-style enemies often rush Kena in carefully-spaced and well-timed waves, while enemies with shields and shells hide their weak points from visibility. Enemies like this require certain sequences to beat — be it a well-placed bomb and arrow combo, a parry, or a maneuvering to an enemy’s backside.
Boss encounters lean into these mechanics but also present new wrinkles — The Hunter fight asks the player to rethink their tactics and find a way to deal with an airborne opponent who is apt at dodging bombs and arrows, for example.
The final few bosses ask you to take everything you’ve learned throughout your journey and apply it all at once, and if you don’t… it’s defeat for Kena.
--
The above sounds like I’m describing a souls-like with platforming elements as the ‘fresh take’ in addition to the enrapturing combat.
Games that provide this much of a challenging, involved experience are typically darker in tone — be it music, environment, or what-have-you. I don’t think too many people would call Kena ‘hard,’ but these are the same people who died 10+ times to The Hunter or Corrupted Toshi.
If this game had a darker, moodier skin, would more people describe it as hard or not for the faint of heart?
In this way, Kena: Bridge of Spirits is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
It is accessible to new players and younger gamers due to its pleasing and friendly atmosphere. But by its conclusion, it is likely to season them into better gamers. If a newbie gamer picks up Kena, they’re in for a surprise and (hopefully) delight when they find something deeper than that which they first expected.
On the other hand, Kena is a worthwhile experience for veteran gamers if they drop their toxic masculinity and play a goofy kids game with a female protagonist. This is a game that will undoubtedly earn their respect by requiring their attention, precision and commitment throughout its experience. Like the newbie gamers, gaming veterans are in for a surprise and (certainly) delight when they find something deeper than that which they first expected.
--
Kena: Bridge of Spirits is a good experience for everyone. By balancing being adorable with being difficult, it earns the respect and appreciation of everyone who plays it. Its accessibility makes it easy to recommend to anyone and the game thus earns itself a bigger audience as a result.
Its narrative and gameplay might not separate themselves in terms of newness from a saturated market, but the surprise and delight the game provides delivers an experience to its players that isn’t typical of the space.
By striking the balance between wolf and sheep, Kena elevates its quality to something beyond just the content within.
--
…and yet…
I can’t help but think, as I summarize this article, that if a game is for everyone, doesn’t that, on some level, mean it is also for no one?
I mean, when you look at the game’s narrative or gameplay, it’s not exactly reinventing the wheel here. In fact, Kena does just about nothing new. It spits out the same exact version of a game we’ve been playing for decades in the form of Tomb Raider or Uncharted or The Legend of Zelda or God of War.
Critically speaking, both the gameplay and narrative are pretty damn milquetoast.
You’re in a world infected by some arbitrary Darkness and since you’re Special and The Chosen One™ it’s your job to go around cleansing the world of evil using a combination of environmental platforming, lever and pressure plate puzzle-solving and lock-on-based, sword-swinging driven combat.
It wouldn’t be difficult to make the argument that Kena is bland.
But the discourse around the game just isn’t about that.
The game’s scored an 81 on Metacritic and has a 92% positive review rating on Steam at time of writing. It recouped its development costs in just one month, meaning every sale since then is hitting the bottom line.
People like this game.

Quick aside from me here on something that made me smile — when double-checking the score on Steam for the above info, I found these as the first two reviews at the very top of the queue: “yo wtf. bought this game to chill, why does it feels like im playing souls-like difficulty ass game HAHAHAH.” “Don’t be fooled by the graphics. This game can be a challenge at times, but it is worth the experience.”

So maybe being an experience for everyone really was the kicker?
Or, maybe, it was something else.
In fact, yeah, I can confidently say it was. It’s a game reviewer’s buzzword, but it’s oh-so apt here: polish.
--
The entire experience of playing Kena is smooth. There are no framerate drops, no bugs, no broken quests or puzzles, no desynced dialogue and facial animations. Not a single hiccup to speak of.
The game features exacting archery, precise platforming, telegraphed and accurate hitboxes, as well as an unimpeding camera, responsive and weighty combat and legible visual design that accurately communicates with the player.
You can move through Kena virtually unobstructed (until you come across a puzzle you can’t solve, but that’s your problem, not the game’s). Everything is built carefully and gels together in a cohesion that works so fluidly that playing Kena is simply frictionless.
The game’s developers — Ember Lab — nailed the fundamentals, paid attention to detail and play-tested perfectly. Their effort to go above and beyond saved this game from sinking into the obscurity of being completely and utterly Mid.
--
It’s frictionlessness that elevates Kena beyond itself. It makes the game greater than the sum of its parts. It makes Kena a complete, finished and polished experience.
Kena presents itself like it’s Disney Pixar’s latest goofy-ass, lame-ass, sub-par video game, but lying underneath the childish aesthetic is a challenging and engaging experience that’s not only a boon for all audiences of gamers, but a worthwhile one thanks to its extreme polish and dedication.
You should play it.

Kena: Bridge of Spirits is such a good game despite being so… well… basic.
It’s simple — almost overly so — yet it is beloved by so many seasoned and experienced gamers.
What I got curious about after playing the game myself and reading a number of pseudo-reviews online was how exactly it achieved this.
How did a package so entry-level-looking garner such respect by 201 and 301 students?
--
The ‘Fields’ region is a great example of Kena’s dichotomy.
It’s gorgeous and inviting, with sea-foamed vistas, lush landscape and rushing waterways. There’s a even a big, lovable pet bull towering over the myriad of cute little Rot dudes scampering through the foliage. The whole place is just friendly.
Why then, does it end up being one of the game’s longest, deepest and most complex sections? Consider its many scattered puzzles, which ask you to combine platforming, archery, environmental awareness and combat proficiency. There’s even a handful of red herring platforms that you can’t properly interact with until later in your puzzle solving endeavor.
The ‘Fields’ are a microcosm of the game as a whole. A childish, Pixar-esque shell which, when uncovered, reveals a complex, involved gameplay experience underneath.
Kena: Bridge of Spirits invites you to be a kid, but treats you like an adult. This is something very few games manage — or even attempt — and it’s what makes Kena so unique, memorable and special.
--
Kena crushes its tone and aesthetic on all fronts to create something that’s desirable and attainable to a group outside of hardcore gamers.
Kena’s visuals are youthful and welcoming by using cartoonish and fairytale-esque art design. The game’s companions do the same — the Rot are your constant brigade of adorable little plush-like, Pikimin-esque comrades who hop as you walk, munch on berries, clumsily trip over each other, and squeak in pitches that can only described as ‘cute.’ You can even give them little hats to wear. They’re pets and it’s all so mired in youthful innocence that I cringe even typing it.
From a distance, Kena appears childish and immature based on its outward appearance. That is, until you peel back its outer layer.
--
The game looks like something your five-year-old might enjoying toying with on your iPad, “you-got-games-on-yo-phone?” style. But there are four elements in its building blocks that make it a game not optimized for your five-year-old on their own;

1. Narrative
2. Puzzles
3. Platforming
4. Combat

Narrative
As far as the game’s story is concerned, it may begin bright and innocent enough, but it deals not-abstractly with death and loss.
Consider that all three boys you meet in the early game — Taro, Benni and Saiya are actually dead, I-see-dead-people style. Consider also that Kena’s entire journey revolves around the loss of her own father and her desire to reconnect with him.
Additionally, it is Toshi’s selfishness and his desire to be the hero that actually ends up bringing death and destruction to his village when he jumps the gun and kills and the mountain spirit in cold blood.
Merciless affronts on nature and an up-front dealing with death and grief are not exactly for the young of age, despite their youthful packaging.
Puzzles
It would be a waste of word count to explain in detail the steps necessary to complete certain puzzles in Kena just as a set of examples to prove the point.
If you’ve played or watched gameplay, you know the puzzles are surprisingly involved, consisting often of multiple steps to complete that build on each other and require the use of all of your abilities in tandem.
One of the bigger “ah-hah” moments I recall was when I realized I could order my Rot minions to move objects while Kena stood on top of said object in order to give me a leg up to jump to a previously unreachable ledge.
Platforming
Speaking of ledges, jumping to and from them is tight and precise in Kena.
Platforming challenges are often timed (your aura-bomb weapon only activates platforms for specifically-timed bursts). Combining their scheduled nature with the need to rotate them via precise archery, mid-air grappling segments and more makes for a movement experience that is involved enough to demand the player’s full attention for every tick of the clock.
Kena and her world’s gravity also have a decided, predictable weight to them that’s not exactly forgiving, meaning the act of jumping to and fro is exact while also requiring exactness.
Combat
Fighting the enemies of Kena is similarly involved.
The cadence with which the game throws opponents your way combined with the complexities of dealing meaningful damage to said opponents creates a combat scenario which demands the player fluidly wield and swap between both melee and ranged options while carefully managing space on the battlefield.
Kamikaze-style enemies often rush Kena in carefully-spaced and well-timed waves, while enemies with shields and shells hide their weak points from visibility. Enemies like this require certain sequences to beat — be it a well-placed bomb and arrow combo, a parry, or a maneuvering to an enemy’s backside.
Boss encounters lean into these mechanics but also present new wrinkles — The Hunter fight asks the player to rethink their tactics and find a way to deal with an airborne opponent who is apt at dodging bombs and arrows, for example.
The final few bosses ask you to take everything you’ve learned throughout your journey and apply it all at once, and if you don’t… it’s defeat for Kena.
--
The above sounds like I’m describing a souls-like with platforming elements as the ‘fresh take’ in addition to the enrapturing combat.
Games that provide this much of a challenging, involved experience are typically darker in tone — be it music, environment, or what-have-you. I don’t think too many people would call Kena ‘hard,’ but these are the same people who died 10+ times to The Hunter or Corrupted Toshi.
If this game had a darker, moodier skin, would more people describe it as hard or not for the faint of heart?
In this way, Kena: Bridge of Spirits is a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
It is accessible to new players and younger gamers due to its pleasing and friendly atmosphere. But by its conclusion, it is likely to season them into better gamers. If a newbie gamer picks up Kena, they’re in for a surprise and (hopefully) delight when they find something deeper than that which they first expected.
On the other hand, Kena is a worthwhile experience for veteran gamers if they drop their toxic masculinity and play a goofy kids game with a female protagonist. This is a game that will undoubtedly earn their respect by requiring their attention, precision and commitment throughout its experience. Like the newbie gamers, gaming veterans are in for a surprise and (certainly) delight when they find something deeper than that which they first expected.
--
Kena: Bridge of Spirits is a good experience for everyone. By balancing being adorable with being difficult, it earns the respect and appreciation of everyone who plays it. Its accessibility makes it easy to recommend to anyone and the game thus earns itself a bigger audience as a result.
Its narrative and gameplay might not separate themselves in terms of newness from a saturated market, but the surprise and delight the game provides delivers an experience to its players that isn’t typical of the space.
By striking the balance between wolf and sheep, Kena elevates its quality to something beyond just the content within.
--
…and yet…
I can’t help but think, as I summarize this article, that if a game is for everyone, doesn’t that, on some level, mean it is also for no one?
I mean, when you look at the game’s narrative or gameplay, it’s not exactly reinventing the wheel here. In fact, Kena does just about nothing new. It spits out the same exact version of a game we’ve been playing for decades in the form of Tomb Raider or Uncharted or The Legend of Zelda or God of War.
Critically speaking, both the gameplay and narrative are pretty damn milquetoast.
You’re in a world infected by some arbitrary Darkness and since you’re Special and The Chosen One™ it’s your job to go around cleansing the world of evil using a combination of environmental platforming, lever and pressure plate puzzle-solving and lock-on-based, sword-swinging driven combat.
It wouldn’t be difficult to make the argument that Kena is bland.
But the discourse around the game just isn’t about that.
The game’s scored an 81 on Metacritic and has a 92% positive review rating on Steam at time of writing. It recouped its development costs in just one month, meaning every sale since then is hitting the bottom line.
People like this game.

Quick aside from me here on something that made me smile — when double-checking the score on Steam for the above info, I found these as the first two reviews at the very top of the queue: “yo wtf. bought this game to chill, why does it feels like im playing souls-like difficulty ass game HAHAHAH.” “Don’t be fooled by the graphics. This game can be a challenge at times, but it is worth the experience.”

So maybe being an experience for everyone really was the kicker?
Or, maybe, it was something else.
In fact, yeah, I can confidently say it was. It’s a game reviewer’s buzzword, but it’s oh-so apt here: polish.
--
The entire experience of playing Kena is smooth. There are no framerate drops, no bugs, no broken quests or puzzles, no desynced dialogue and facial animations. Not a single hiccup to speak of.
The game features exacting archery, precise platforming, telegraphed and accurate hitboxes, as well as an unimpeding camera, responsive and weighty combat and legible visual design that accurately communicates with the player.
You can move through Kena virtually unobstructed (until you come across a puzzle you can’t solve, but that’s your problem, not the game’s). Everything is built carefully and gels together in a cohesion that works so fluidly that playing Kena is simply frictionless.
The game’s developers — Ember Lab — nailed the fundamentals, paid attention to detail and play-tested perfectly. Their effort to go above and beyond saved this game from sinking into the obscurity of being completely and utterly Mid.
--
It’s frictionlessness that elevates Kena beyond itself. It makes the game greater than the sum of its parts. It makes Kena a complete, finished and polished experience.
Kena presents itself like it’s Disney Pixar’s latest goofy-ass, lame-ass, sub-par video game, but lying underneath the childish aesthetic is a challenging and engaging experience that’s not only a boon for all audiences of gamers, but a worthwhile one thanks to its extreme polish and dedication.
You should play it.

Freshly back and awake after a twelve day stint for my first time there. I knew that I wanted to go in general, and while I didn't have a firm itinerary planned out, there was one main goal that I had in terms of sites within the country. The main video game that I play is Beatmania IIDX, and it has internal trophies which are represented as badges. Your profile allows you to assign up to five of them as visible when you start a new round, and there are badges to earn for playing at least one round in every prefecture in Japan, as well as every subregion. Getting the Kanto badge meant that I needed to play at least one round in Tokyo, Kanagawa, Saitama, Gunma, Tochigi, Ibaraki, and Chiba. After five days, I had that complete, and now I have a permanent record of this trip within the game itself. There was also a time-limited event to earn points in IIDX in order to exchange them for goods, such as a hat, or a towel, or a new account card and a poster, and I managed to get that taken care of in somewhat dramatic fashion. I did some other things too.
Primary general points
· Getting Suica set on the phone and using it was generally painless. There were only two times where I needed to summon the help of a resident JR employee to clear up an issue with the gate not reading the card for some reason.
· Most vocal interaction which I had was the opposite of painless, because I continuously kept trying to speak Japanese and failing, and most people would realize that I was completely failing at it and responded with English (some with full on sentences, others with just a few words). There were a few rare times that I was able to express my intent in Japanese, receive a response, understand the response, and reply as necessary, but that was rare. Once English was invoked, I would stay with it, because that's what they were expecting. I've been self-studying the language for more than twenty years in varying degrees of intensity, and while my reading comprehesion seemed sufficient enough for this trip, and while I didn't expect my speaking to be as good because I don't have any opportunity to practice speaking, I came away bitterly disappointed in my vocal and speaking comprehension in terms of my interaction with people there. Even within the trip I could at least overhear common chitchat better, but any time I needed to converse with someone for some reason, I usually needed to have things repeated several times and broken down before I finally realized what was being said.
· You are going to be asked about separately buying a bag with every non-food purchase. Accept or immediately present one that you are carrying to indicate how your purchase shall be bagged.
· I never once had my passport requested for presentation.
· Only once did a person volutnarily reach out to address me, and it was just to ask me where I was from in English. Otherwise, everyone left me alone the entire time.
· Weather through the period was ideal. Mid to upper 70F/25C range and only a few days where it was rainy, and even then it wasn't a downpour. A while ago I personally resolved to only wear suits in public and I purchased a new pair of Mephisto shoes after hearing reports of the extensive walking causing problems for traveller's feet and shoes. My attire help up well; there were only a few times that I needed to avoid sunlight to not get too hot, and I have no issues to report from the shoes.
· I only got X'd out of a restaurant one time, and I think it's only because I wandered into it before it was ready for service. Otherwise, I never once waited in line for food, I never once went to restaurant more than once, and all food was acceptably priced for the portion and excellent for the quality.
For these per-day recounts, I wrote them contemporaneously at the end of each day, so you'll need to forgive me for some writing being in present tense and other writing being in past tense.
Day 1 - Travel, Sugamo, Ikebukuro
Non stop flight from Chicago OHare to Haneda. 12 hours. Good thing I usually don't watch movies, because that just means that all I needed to do was binge a few to make the trip go by.
Pre-trip research led me to choose APA Sugamo as my home base for the visit, and I think that it was a very fortuitious choice. I'll have more to say about it later.
Some awkward encounters happened right away upon checking in here. I was at the nearby Family Mart to buy some things and I didn’t catch that he was making sure I wanted a bag until he repeated it five times. Yes, I’ll take it. Before getting there I was coming down to ground level after checking into my room, and when that person saw that I would have been the only other person going down to the ground, they ducked right back out. I was warned on both of these kinds of things happening, so I guess it’s good to have that immediately out of the way. It would turn out that people deliberately avoiding me was rare throughout the trip.
Despite not sleeping on the trip, I had freshly arrived and had no sense of being tired, so once I had my stuff down, I went off to Ikebukuro right away. No picture or video truly conveys how crowded these areas can get. It can only be experienced in person to be understood.
I soon found Round One Ikebukruo and went right in. So dense and loud. It’s entirely alien to me to see no less than ten IIDX machines in operation and all of them in use. I dumped the money into random tickets, as I foresaw doing, but now I have to wonder if that was the right thing to do, or if it’s tied to that location. I guess I’ll find out.
The forecast is for rain so I need to be in a hurry to figure out where I’m going to go. There might be only one day left for me to get my time limited toys.
Day 2 - Kawasaki, Kanagawa - Utsunomiya, Tochigi - Oomiya, Saitama
My body decided that it only needed four hours of sleep this morning. Without doing more research, I somehow decided to assume that more of the Round One locations were close to 24 hours of operation much like Ikebukuro. Answer: no. I hopped on the train early and went to Shibuya first, but it was very quiet, so I decided to get some of the travels out of the way today and headed south to Kawasaki. I still needed to dawdle for a while until Silk Hat opened at 900AM, and when I finally was able to get inside, I was only able to verify that their store had several allotments of the campaign goods and all allotments were out. Played one round on a monitor that was surprisingly blurry, and I don’t know why that would be the case with a lightning model, but it was, so that was enough.
After doing all of that, I resolved to try to go to Chiba and Ibaraki afterwards. I figured that with Kanagawa and Tokyo likely all out, going to the outskirts would make more sense. However, there was an injury on one of the rails that threw everything off normal, and the train I found myself riding was bound for Utsunomiya instead. Seeing as how I was going to go there eventually, I rolled with it.
It doesn’t take too long to move away from Tokyo metropolitan area before you encounter more forest like areas and rice paddy fields. Halfway through the trip I noticed that two older women suddenly hopped off while the train was waiting to go to the next stop, and I followed them when I realized they found the express line. Utsunomiya has a substantial size to its area and buildings but it was very quiet on the streets there in midday. Walked a mile to Sega GIGO, found that they didn’t even have the goods tracker up. All out. Interesting buliding for it having several neon signs, all vintage and authentic at that. Getting to there from the south meant cutting through Saitama, so I knew I had enough time to make one last attempt there. Research shown two stores being near Oomiya station, so that’s where I ended up. Taito Station was immediately visible upon exit, and they have two IIDX machines specifically with 20 gram springs, which is closer to my home setup and that much lighter than standard 50 gram springs. The final hour drew near and I made one last visit to that city’s Round One. Unlike nearly every other place I went to so far, it only had one IIDX machine. However, and maybe because of that, their goods listing didn’t show everything as out. One painful language exchange later, I was able to discern that what I wanted was available. When you spend more than 3000 yen in a single credit, the game wants to verify if you really want to proceed. It does it again at 6000 and 9000. Yes, I really do. But, having made that money dump I was able to get my hands on the e-amuse card and poster with fifteen minutes left before the deadline. Mission complete. By this point in the day it was exceedingly difficult to even look at the screen so I was ready to come home, but not before getting some goods at the Oomiya Book Off and redeeming what I could for points at Round One Ikebukuro. By the end of the day the only thing that I could tolerate doing was to buy some chicken and nigiri from the nearby train station. Good enough. At that point in the day my body felt like it wants to rock back and forth after all the train riding done today. But, it ended up being worthwhile after all.
One nostalgic feeling I had the most strongly in the day was at the Utsunomiya location where the smell of it triggered past buried memories of yesteryear. I think I want to attribute it to the stronger second hand cigarette smell but I’m not sure - all the same I felt its presence strongly there. Also, I don’t see Oomiya (or really Saitama itself) mentioned as a fun place to go, but it might serve as an acceptable alternative to Ikebukuro, only not as massive in scale of human quantity. Depending on how the trip goes in total I may end up back there for IIDX playing, at least if I don’t find any other place that has 20G springs.
Day 3 - Akihabara
With the travels out of the way, it was time to keep things more regionalized and stick to one area, and there is shopping that needs to be done, so it was off to Akihabara and to see how much of other posted tales hold true. The answer is that it is a lot of it. Kotobukiya can stand to open sooner than noon. Super Potato is indeed priced for a market which wants to snap up anything cheap - I at least found Xi for under 500 and felt that it would have been a bit silly to buy only that, but it didn’t make spending 2000 on one single issue of Arcadia any better. I had no idea that Hey Arcade was right next to both of them; while it was assuredly nice to be there and see the row of Cave shooters among everything else, something got messed up with my registration of my new eamuse card with everything else, so that quickly added to my stress. Having to carry around a few hundred dollars worth of crap with every step didn’t help matters. At least I was able to help a person recover their lost phone by applying a bit of logic to the situation and deducing it to belong to the only person there who looked French, as it was on the Lock Screen. They were relieved, yes. Then, rain came, and it was more than I was anticipating, and I left the umbrella at the room, particularly since I knew I’d be shopping this day. It also turns out to have not mattered much, because I went to visit Bic Camera so that I could get myself a hair trimmer while here, and that turned into me finding a bunch of Kit Kats available, so that meant a second bag. The wind kicked out the rain and my umbrella. In trying to get as many gifts secured as possible, I found some gachapon, but it needed 100Y coins, and I didn’t need paper money in the trip yet. After fighting with maps, I found an ATM to get cash, and got the gachapon. I came home late with feeling rather crushed about the day in that I couldn’t take pictures very well with having to juggle weather and bagging considerations. There were some nice parts of the experience to be sure but between that and more gawking at Super Potato pricing ($135 for PS3 Caladrius? $6000 for Pulstar?) and seeing similar markups on other goods, I don’t think it’s unfair to say that there is a reputation that this area carries and the pricing is there to go with it.
Day 4 - Laundry Day. Shibuya, Harajuku, Shinjuku
I was so drained at the end of Day 3 that I fell asleep on the bed immediately after ending the night call, which meant that I woke up at 0200AM to a room that was fully lit. This meant that I needed to look up how to resolve my eamuse problem or else I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep. I did both. Awake at 0800AM meant that I had time to do laundry while I figured out what to do with the rest of the day. This meant that I was able to get more of Sugamo in pictures, and it was nice to be able to walk among the actual residences, and do other things like come across a school as it was actually in session. With them being close by and all in succession, I figured to get Shibuya, Harajuku, and Shinjuku visited. It turns out to have been a good day for it, as the temperature was perfectly cool and no rain came, and the sun came out only for a little bit. Shibuya somehow doesn’t seem quite as large in scope in person but the crowds were definitely there, and it is much more hilly than I anticipated as well. After wandering around and not seeing any arcade for a bit, I came across a series of coffee and cookie shops and remained strong to not indulge. It was there while looking at a Disney store (which gets tourists to take pictures of it for some reason) that the song Alone Again came on through the nearby public speakers. What timing. It drove me to finally get a treat for myself, and the frozen latte (black sesame and houji) and croissant (dark chocolate filing) were certainly good, it ended up costing more than the dinner I’d have later this day. I found a seclusion with a garbage can to eat the food and not carry the trash around, then an arcade soon after, and it was time to determine if I could fix the problem. Just like an easy click, it was. New to trash. Old to new. Done. Why did it have to be this way. Harajuku came next, and the environment there was distinct. This one in particular felt like it was an extended carnival atmosphere with the single tight knit market street and emphasis on fashion. A conversation with a freelance artist in the subway actually went well enough that I didn’t feel dumb. The same sensation carried to Shinjuku as well, only it was more spread out. Kabuki street was interesting to see in person, and I didn’t get any unseemly vibes from the place. Maybe it’s different later at night. A return home at a reasonable time allowed me to go down Sugamo’s market street a bit; most of it was closed, but it was interesting to come across the few remaining stores that were open by 0800PM, and more so the one that wasn’t. Coming back to the hotel I found a 24 hour ramen shop with nobody inside. The chef didn’t want to speak and only pointed to the ordering kiosk when I addressed her. The food came through a slot in the obscured window. At least her thank you as I left was a bit more warm, and the food was certainly delicious. To match with the matcha dessert that I bought from Sugamo station, I swung by a 7Eleven to get a drink, and found a milk tea for cheaper than a vending machine. The overhead music in the store was an instrumental version of Alone Again.
Day 5. Ibaraki - Mount Tsukuba, Miraidaira. Kashiwa, Chiba. Akihabara 2.
Awake at 0500AM on my own and knowing the current forecast meant that my envisioned plan for the day was quickly realized. Reaching the Tsukuba Express starting point from Akihabara needs you to get very far down into the ground before getting out into sunlight. I was on the ride early enough to see schoolchildren going about their commute, some of them being no older than ten and going about it unaccompanied. The people of Tsukuba seemed to be particularly helpful and cheerful that day, even despite my Suica issues at the gate. I didn’t ask his name at the counter but the man at the service desk was eager to speak with me about my career and what I was doing there. One asked where I was from on the way up to the summit and another caught my cable car ticket on the way down. There had to have been a few of them who saw my doing this climb in my business attire and thinking me to be a complete idiot if not outright mocking them for doing it that way while they employed the use of dual walking sticks and the like. I know I read some reports of the home stretch being difficult, but it did get pretty close to being an actual rock climb instead of a trail hike for that part of it. A quick stop to Miraidaira on the way back to get the Ibaraki play. The way the town center greets you upon leaving the rail gate struck me as incredible, as well as for how quiet it was. It was like walking onto a movie set. I did find the sweet shop after the play, and that was another painful interaction yet again. Oh well. Two quick stops down Tsukuba Express and one across from Tobu Urban Park line was enough to have a toe in Chiba, and I didn’t even need to leave the physical building of the train station to get to the basement level to find a machine for a play. Thank you, Kashiwa, you were great. Gunma is all that’s left. The descent from Tsukuba did take some earnest exertion, and after doing that the two stops, that put me back in Akihabara about when I anticipated; what I failed to anticipate is how much that place seems to drain on me. I think I just need to eat at an actual dinner time. Once I got back to Sugamo and had food it was a bit better, but while in Akihabara and being around that environment, and not finding things on a shopping list, I found myself just standing still and watching life pass me by. I hemmed and hawed a while for a maid girl’s hour of service for chitchat, but eventually I talked myself out of it because I just didn’t want potential trouble, just like her name. Komaru. I thought about doing this once just to say that I did, but I ultimately decided against it. You cannot go to this place with the expectation that you will find anything unless it is advertised and new. If you are looking for anything used, don’t count on it being there. You also cannot go there without having a strong resolve to not engage with the touts, because it becomes disheartening to see them do their job and blankly stare at the world when they're forced to stand out there and do nothing. Back to Sugamo to find a place that advertised Wagyu but the price they wanted was more than I wanted to spend. The ramen and seaweed & rice servings were fine, but they advertised endless drink and I didn’t receive that. All for $20? No, son. I did better than that elsewhere, I’ll know better now. Long day.
Day 6 - Tokyo Flea Market, Nakano Broadway, Ueno.
The weather couldn’t have been better for this weekend. I’ve read reports that the flea market held near the horse race track will be arbitrarily cancelled regardless of what is reported on the website, but my gut instinct told me that it would occur today, and it did. Turns out that a flea market is a flea market which is a flea market, no matter where it happens. Same allotment of clothes and stuff that few people really want to buy, although I was able to find myself some neckties at least. I probably overpaid based on what I saw later in the route, but that’s fine. They look nice. I settled on some shot glasses for a gift as well, but I’m surprised that I can’t ind something ornate that isn’t part of a sake set. Seated in the shade with a chocolate churro while rap music played in the background - it’s like I never left home. A woman came to sit across from me for the sake of sitting down; she was from Holland and today’s her last day in the country. Her husband came with food eventually. She had three weeks here and went to several places (allegedly, she didn’t list them out) and I asked her about Nakano Broadway. She didn’t make it there. It’s a good thing that I did - this is probably the kind of environment and market that people expect of Akihabara now, and maybe that’s how Aki was years ago, but it’s different from this. What’s more interesting is that Mandarake has a larger presence here than in Akihabara (so it seems to me), and their stores had floor after floor of any and every kind of pop culture product that’s been made in the past sixty years at least. Buttress that with extensive watch and jewelry stores and a slender arcade in the basement, and it’s a very well centralized microcosm of the country’s economy on the whole. I actually made a point to have dinner earlier than usual this time and found a place to serve some deep fried pork cuts served with rice and soup on the side. It was enough, and very well made. The day had not ended and my bag was heavy with several books purchased there, so I reported back to base briefly and decided to try visiting somewhere else, and settled on Ueno. Just as I arrived, a festival was underway where local teams of people made an elaborate show of carrying a home made shrine to a temple. Streets were officially blocked by police to allow the procession. In following the line I came up against makeshift food and amusement stands with the traditional toy gun shooting and goldfish catching. It appears that this is an official “start of summer” festival and I was able to watch it all happen in front of me. That was the good part of the day.
Day 7 - Tachikawa / Kunitachi. Shinjuku 2.
One of the games that I've never played is Beatmania III The Final. I've played some BM3 7th Mix years ago, but not The Final. I found a location that has one - World Game Circus in Tachikawa. In looking around that area before the trip, I saw that there was a nearby shinkansen museum, and not much else, so I figured that going to both places would make that walk worthwhile. Turns out that it wasn’t a museum in the proper sense of a dedicated building. Rather, it was a bullet train engine car on the side of a building that was unrelated, and that was it. A cute interaction happened here - when I approached the car, I heard some children running around inside, so I approached cautiously without knowing if I was encroaching upon someone else's alloted time or something. Once the children saw me, they gave a hearty irrashaimase as I entered, and the boy stamped a paper and presented it to me. Perfect. Despite it not being a typical musem, the card did have some interesting content, and it's good to see some kind of commemoration for their achievements and progression in that industry regardless. They have a lot to be proud about there. Off to WGC. Maps wasn’t lying about the walk taking twenty minutes. It's a good thing that I looked it up on streetview beforehand, because I otherwise would have walked right past it without knowing it was there. Then there it was, and there I confronted a past that I couldn’t visit again. Sure, I got to play BM3 The Final at last, but my timing was off, my hands were off, there wasn’t much I could do. Along with that I can say that I’ve played on a Beatmania II cabinet, and that was better than 5th Style at least. But that was it, that was all I could stand to do. It was right there and I couldn’t bear to put up with it more than a few rounds at best. Dream big, because only disappointment follows if your smaller dreams ever are fulfilled. I don’t know why finding IKEA back in Shinjuku was so difficult, but it took a while. I bought a bag, and then I bought a bag because the other bag was at the end of the register, which makes sense. I did feed myself before getting back to the Taito station to play some songs, but it still wasn’t good enough. All thumbs. Ended the day with laundry since the timing worked. Speaking of making dreams big, it’s time to cross another one off the list tomorrow. I can’t wait.
Day 8 - Takasaki, Gunma. Oomiya, Saitama 2.
It’s a good thing that I only needed to get to Ikebukuro to transfer over to the next stop, because that’s where that particular run ended for some reason. I wonder what was up. Speaking of things getting messed up on trains, I managed to find my way on a train that needed a separate ticket, which I didn't have. The conductor found me right away and had me disembark at Uraja for me to wait for the proper transfer. The weather forecast said there’d be rain, and the travel forecast said it would take two hours to get there, and neither lied. I feel like I had more people staring at me in Gunma than other places. I will say that I found the Takasaki station area to be rather charming, with the stores that it had inside and the emphasis on the music culture there. It’s one thing to offer a piano to the public to play, but it’s another to have a public willing to use it. This location had both. Having what was essentially a Bic Camera built into the facility was a nice touch too. The Leisure Land arcade was sandwiched between other floors that had its own offering of gaming stuff, so that was an unexpected bit of a fun thing to look through. The area was clean and sparsely populated, and it wasn’t picked clean of all matter of things that would normally get snapped up, so that was interesting. Finally, I made it over to the machine. They had separate fans for each location. I got the songs and then the medals came, and that’s that. Kantou Seiou. I would have stayed a bit longer but I wanted to have the medals show up right away, and my internet wasn’t cooperating, so that’s all I could do. I think there was an Internet cafe that I could have used in the facility, but I didn’t want to deal with an awkward conversation. I did get some Lawson on the way out, as well as some trinkets from the local Gunma-chan store as well as some mini croissants and some macademia cookie things. More vocal awkwardness. Omiya was one of the stops on the way back, and I found a place to serve omrice, so that’s another one off the list. No shoes allowed inside. The value wasn’t there but the service was good enough, as was the flavor. The machines with the 20G springs are indeed legit. Back home in time for some McDonalds, and that’s another food-checklist item marked off. Takoyaki mayo dipping sauce - somehow it’s both salty and sweet. While returning to the hotel, I did happen to encounter an argument amongst two teenaged locals where the guy ended up half-heartedly kicking the girl and getting her to cry. I wonder what their argument was about. I didn’t play hero, but someone else did so enough to prevent an escalation and called the police over.
Day 9 - Sugamo, Tokyo Sky Tree, Akihabara 3, Kanda
Up early enough to decide that I should at least visit the Sky Tree while I'm there just to say that I did, and that I should visit the Sugamo street market upon its open since it was right there in front of me. I'm glad to have done so. With everything open, this felt more like what one would think to expect from a flea market environment that's operated and supported by the local populace. Small stores were open both sides of the street that go on for many blocks, and some tents and tables were set up to sell second hand goods as well. I was able to find someone selling a US Morgan dollar and he wanted only 2000Y for it, so that was an easy buy. If I would have known better to anticipate this area, I wouldn't have felt compelled to buy kitchy tourist crap that is expected as gifts elsewhere. If you are looking for a place to idly shop around that doesn't get extremely crowded and has an authentic local feel to it, consider making a point to come here. Off to Sky Tree. Getting the combo ticket for the second deck was worth it just for the lack of crowds on the upper area. If you're going to come here, consider getting a phone selfie stick or something of the kind so that you can take pictures against the windows without the structure scaffolding obstructing your view. On the subject of shopping again, this might be another area to consider visiting just for the sake of the specialty stores to be found here, such as those for chopsticks or hairpins. To close out the day, my wife reminded me to look for something from the Square Enix cafe, so that meant swinging by Akihabara yet again. Since it is within a walkway, it was a bit of a pain to find this place even with using maps, but I eventually found it and got what she wanted to find. Played some IIDX at Game Panic, which was surprisingly small and the one machine that was avaialble to play had some 2P turntable issues, so that didn't last all that long. Dinner was at a nearby place that specalized in tofu, so that was a good ramen serving with that infused. For the evening, I wandered south to Kanda to get night pictures, and found it to feel pretty similar to Ueno.
Day 10 - Ginza, Tokyo, Kanda & Akihabara 4
Launrdry in the morning. I also wanted to say that I went to Ginza in my time here, and I didn't research anywhere to go to keep it a surprise. It was a bit warmer and sunnier than usual that day, and I stuck to the main road for most of the walk, so I can't say that I found too many points of the interest along the path that I walked starting from Yurakucho station and heading out that way. High class store for high class people, and that's too rich for my peasant blood. Similarly for Tokyo proper itself, I suppose I'd have to needed to wander far away from the Yamanote vicinity to find points of interest there, as I didn't encounter anything that was remarkably distinctive here in comparison to other areas that I have previously seen. Continuing north across Nihonbashi brought me to Kanda and eventually to Akihabara yet again, as if it was a magnet that pulled me inside every time. For the sake of trying a different place I chose to play some IIDX at the Leisure Land arcade there, and I'm glad to have done that, as those machines were probably in the best coniditon that I encountered within that area. Dinner was at Tenkaippin, which I didn't realize until after I placed the order was cash only. The clerk didn't request it beforehand but I voluntarily left my passport there to show that I would return, and promptly went to the same ATM that I had found days prior in order to get the cash to pay for the bill.
Day 11 - Haneda T3, Nishi Nippori, Nippori, Uguisuidani, Otsuka, Shibuya, Shinjuku, Ikebukruo, home.
The end. I resolved to take the subway over to Haneda today to get the one luggage over there and stored, and it’s a good thing that I did - there’s no easy solution for getting over there without encountering a crowd. If anything I wonder if Yamanote is actually better. Regardless, I got that much done. With the day left to go, I ventured to Nishi Nippori and I needed to summon the map several times to make sure I found the location, as it was as obscure as it could get. Just a sign on the ground for the third floor, a stairway that led to the back, an elevator that had no decoration, a single room that housed everything. Arcade PCB kits on shelves, joystick panels in exposed boxes, nicotine odor from years past - it was like I was transported to 1995 upon entry, beyond the fact that the games weren’t as old. Most of them, they did have a lot going for SF3 3rd yet. I was able to take care of some game business in a hurry since I was the only one there. It was a very pleasant respite for play in comparison to most of the other sessions. The region itself felt much the same as this arcade - old and well worn, as in well lived. Venturing south to Nippori led me to stumble upon a shrine and cemetery just by following some stairs. Usuigudani was cleaner but mostly had hotels as points of interest. Back home to buy some mochi while mochi was for sale in midday. Then to Otsuka, thinking that I would wander to Ikebukuro, but I ended up wandering back to Sugamo instead. Whoops. Meal at Sugamo, then back out to return to Shibuya and Shinjuku at night to catch evening shots, when I hadn’t done so before at these places. Good thing I did that to get Golden Gai area shots at night. With the night winding down, I decided to have one last IIDX play at Round 1 in Ikebukuro to symbolically end where I started.
Ending arcade comments
· Although the upkeep is generally better and more consistent than the US, some machines will have hardware issues here too. I was surprised by the blurriness with some of the LM IIDX machines.
· Densha De Go on the propert large cabinet is nice but quickly becomes very expensive.
· Bombergirl is OK enough and having the dedicated detonator button that pops up for hitting the base is a cute touch.
· Chase Chase Jokers feels rather clunky and I'm not sure what the game is trying to do. Interesting side screen concept at least.
· Nostalgia is delightful and would probably find a small fanbase worldwide if it had more exposure.
· Favorite IIDX locations are Taito Station in Oomiya for the light keys and Leisure Land Akihabara for the high quality of the LMs there. Honorable mention goes to the Game Versus loctation in Nishi Nihonbashi, but that might not be worth it for a dedicated trip unless you go there first thing in the morning.
Ending overall comments
This was a life altering trip for me, as would be expected. While I'm glad to have made the journey, as to be expected, I will only want to return after making an extensive redoubled effort into speaking and hearing comprehension, because I know that I came across like a blubbering idiot so many times, and it's truly aggravating because I generally know what I want to say and most of the words that are used to say it, but it just doesn't come out of my mouth properly when it needs to be done.
I welcome any questions you may have, as that will help for me to recall the memories and have me write them down.

(my post originally from CharlotteDobreYoutube)
TLDR at bottom
I will try to keep as many relevant details in here as possible without going too far off track, since the history with us and with her is utterly a novel. This is long, but worth it, so here goes.
11 days before my wedding I kicked out two bridesmaids (A and M.) This meant I had two left (E and L.) It started with bridesmaid A who asked if her boyfriend could wear a cowboy hat to my wedding. Mind you, my wedding venues were a church for the ceremony and a beach front venue for the reception. I told her that I did not want a cowboy hat in my photos or in my wedding, that that was not the vibe my husband and I were going for, and it just didn’t fit either venue’s décor or environment.
A bit of a backstory – A is not in the best position financially. She was dating her boyfriend for like 2 months before she got pregnant. He promised her a better life closer to his family, she believed it, got fired from her $50k/year job, left her first child w/ her ex-husband (Child 1 was supposed to be my flower girl, whose dress we also bought,) they moved from State A to state B, they don’t make much money. They now have the newborn that they can barely afford while living in a camper.
Before A asked about the cowboy hat, she asked about jeans. I did not want denim at my wedding. Denim is not formal. She said he was going to wear the same outfit to the wedding as his grandmother’s funeral. Fine, not a big deal. I told her if they are black jeans that is fine since from a distance they will look like slacks. (I gave her an inch and she was definitely looking for that mile.) She kept going with it and I eventually said, “I did not want denim, but I made the exception for you two.” And she said “Yeah, it’s not like we could have afforded anything else anyway.” I felt the tension and left it alone for the night.
The next morning, she texted me that she was hurt, that I had an attitude basically and I’ve been acting some type of way, she again brought up the money situation. I tried to be understanding and that I know they are not in the best position financially, but a lot of my family is not, and I know a lot of people are spending quite a bit to get where we are for the wedding (about half our guests were coming from out of state.) I also said I wanted everyone to have a great time and I was sorry if I came off any type of way or insensitive. This was not good enough for her. She decided to say that a wedding was about celebrating our love and if I was focused so much on a cowboy hat my priorities were in the wrong place. I asked her what was going on because this was clearly not about a cowboy hat and she avoided answering. Also did not tell me anything else it might have been about.
She said ever since planning the wedding I have been micromanaging, acting proud, and some other accusations that made no sense. I had no idea what she was talking about because a lot of the decisions my husband and I needed to make were taken care of with both venues – food, DJ, set up, breakdown, clean up, etc. A also said she had been talking to M about the way I was behaving, and that the cowboy hat was the final straw. (What’s that even mean? If I was bothering you with things, why didn’t you tell me so I could fix it or change the way I was approaching things?)
Somewhere in the midst of this whole thing, she said her daughter (Child 1) would just be uncomfortable in her dress and wouldn’t sit still for more than 30 mins (A lie, I have been around her and she is well behaved,) and also said her boyfriend does not like to eat in front of people (Arms must be tired from all that reaching) and all around is just making excuses, trying to call my bluff about this; if the boyfriend can’t even wear the cowboy hat to the reception, then they probably just go fishing after the ceremony, and not even come to the reception. She also said we could have helped with her shoes. In many other words, I told her just because we make more than her does not mean we owe her anything and told her almost everything we were paying for. Then told me to chill and that I was probably emotional from the planning and everything going on. Basically, gaslit me when she was the one that literally threatened not to come because of a cowboy hat. She brought up money again like five more times and how they’re broke – so clearly this is about money.
Husband and I bought the dresses, fronted the Airbnb we needed to get ready in, we fronted hair & makeup without asking for anyone to pay for their portion, bought gifts, A’s plane ticket (she paid us back the next day,) and many other things for our wedding for the bride and grooms party so everyone had a good time, knew they were appreciated, and felt like the event was worth the traveling and time.
Throughout my wedding planning, I pretty much planned everything with my husband, and we asked for hardly any input from anyone since no one was really available, no one was close, and it was just easier. So the whole micromanaging comment made no sense to me. I was doing my best to be flexible and understanding of finances for A, not as much for bridesmaid 2, M, but a little. She was also in a state 3 time zones away from me, so her plane ticket was not cheap.
I have known this girl A for six years. I am crying at this point. It’s the afternoon, I have to get final headcount to the reception venue for catering THE NEXT MORNING. I am texting my mother, bridesmaid E, friend D, a group chat on messenger, and I have not told Husband yet. Every single one of them was on my side. E said, “If she is this way now before your wedding, imagine what she is going to be like on your wedding day.” And being the desperate person I was, I said to friend D “I know this is shitty and a horrible circumstance but if I needed you to be a bridesmaid, would you? The dress color and material are still available on [Vendor’s site.]” She said absolutely. I felt terrible for asking but I trusted her.
M now comes in. She was busy at work so she could not respond to the chat as much, but I was keeping a lot of the chat between A and I because I did not think M needed to be involved. A kept bringing the chat back to the group chat. She brought enough back to the group chat that M picked up on some stuff and basically agreed with A, she said I was being insensitive, and “At least she asked you before she did it.” I’m sorry, what?
Backstory for M – A few months earlier she said she was upset I did not officially ask her to be a bridesmaid and did not think it was worth it to come to my state for the wedding because it would be the second time she is here with her boyfriend but not for them; like not for their own reasons such as a vacation. We had a conversation when I started planning and I asked if she would be comfortable ordering a dress for me to see what it looked like. She said “Aww you want me to be a bridesmaid?” I said “I thought that was obvious!” So maybe it’s a thin line, but she went shopping with A and I, went to try on dresses with her, and LET US BUY HER DRESS. She could have said something beforehand that she did not want to, rather than just thinking she had to. She also was not going to be there for the rehearsal since there was a concert in her state rescheduled for two days before my wedding and she was not going to miss it. Understandable since she would have had to get up at 5 am or earlier the night after the concert to get to my state sometime Thursday evening or Friday afternoon. I did not like this, but I accepted it because she also said “I think I’ve been part of enough weddings to figure it out, -insert laughing crying emoji-
By this point husband also called me for something, I don’t remember what, but I eventually said to him “I don’t think I want either A or M to come.” He said “Okay, whatever you need to do. I’m fine at this point.” I summarized the events and he said “If you want to burn everything to the ground I don’t care, that’s fine with me.” I stewed on everything for a few hours but I knew what I had to do.
I let it sit, I said nothing else, I went to run an errand, I was on the way home, told D when the rehearsal and dinner was, asked if she could make it, she said yes. I told her to order her dress, called the florist, I told them I needed one less bouquet, and got home about 30 mins later. A few hours later I said to both A and M, basically, “You know what? Never mind. I don’t want either of you to come. This is my wedding, we are paying for everything, and I was not wrong. I do not deserve this treatment. It is not my fault A you made shitty decisions and can’t afford anything and M you planned a wedding before, how can you agree with her?” and quite a few other things. (Told them both to send back the dresses but ultimately did not end up caring and said they could do whatever they wanted with them later.) A then said I was attacking because I was frustrated. No, A. You made shit decisions and you’re taking it out on me now. M called me and I didn’t answer. (She was married before, divorced now. Whole other fucking story.)
The other kicker? A kept her flight to STILL COME SEE HER DAUGHTER and was going to need a CAR RENTAL ANYWAY, and A HOTEL ROOM with her boyfriend. So wait, was it NOT actually about money? I don’t even know anymore.
Anyway, D got her dress by Thursday or Friday the same week, we went shoe shopping a few days later, and she bought her own shoes, too.
My wedding party on my wedding day had three girls that were super supportive, loving, and made my day a whole lot easier. They were by my side, made me smile and laugh, and made the day so much more special. I have screenshots, by the way. If anyone wants them, I can attach them to a google doc and have you see them, haha. Just PM me!
TLDR; Bridesmaid didn't like that I didn't like or want a cowboy hat to a non-ranch or country themed/styled wedding and flipped out when I said no, her boyfriend could not wear one. She then said I was focusing too much on it but threatened not to come when I said no, and then gaslit me when I said I didn't want it and told me it was just a cowboy hat and that my emotions were probably all over the place from wedding planning. Bridesmaid two chimed in and agreed with her that I was being "insensitive" about it, even though husband and I fronted everything except shoes, flight, and car rental for both of them, and didn't even ask them to plan any type of bridal party or bachelorette party due to distance. Told them both nevermind, I don't deserve to be treated like I'm the enemy when I didn't do anything wrong other than say no to one thing asked.
Edit: TLDR added

Howdy partners,
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1. Step 1: Dust off your cowboy hat and polish your spurs.
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Today we're discussing a fun Burkess jump named Generic Wizard. Have a second link to my past discussion posts.

Items

There's nine items here, so we'll just discuss them one by one.
We start off with a simple, powerful, handy, magic staff. It's an arcane focus and amplifier, and when you send someone to horny jail with it you add your magical power to the force behind the bonk. Nice.
The Great Grimoire is a more complex item, it's a sapient spellbook that is your buddy and can learn any kind of magic used against it in battle, as well as take on a battle form where it becomes a book-humanoid and can wield weapons or use martial arts and unarmed strikes to put the beat down on baddies.
You can opt for a pair of Skyrim-style wizard robes that are comfortable and make magic 25% less costly when you're wearing them.
The next item is a sword for spell-swords that can deflect magic and can serve as a casting focus for magic users, allowing you to fire magical projectiles out of it with ease.
Next we come to a case with components for the crafting of golems and other supernatural body guards.
The next item on the list is the steepled hat, which is the "You can share powers with other peeps" item on this list. You put it on somebody and they can use magic, though only basic magic. If a magical person puts it on it spreads magic throughout the setting, if you wanna spruce up something like Generic Roleplayer, Generic Cubicle, Generic School Years, or the like.
Next up we've got a magic bow that can turn spells and spell effects into arrows and magical beings find this process to be instant and easy. The next item is a fully stocked alchemy lab, perfect for the brewing of potions and the final item is a grand wizard tower with a set of ten two way teleporters.
These items are a lot of fun, though none are (probably) transformative unless you're here early OR you have plans for something like a wizard who uses a lot of arcane intensive magic that costs a lot of energy. Still, some of them (like the components case) can be radical in the right settings, such as going from here to Minecraft (or fusing them) since having easy access to golems can DRAMATICALLY make this setting a lot easier.

Perks

The perks here are a lot of fun. We start off with a freebie that gives you the ability to use magic and a pool of energy perfect for casting said magic with, and you have a single spell for free: a magical projectile you can deal damage with.
There are a range of really neat modifiers to how you DO magic here. My personal favorite is the "Daily Casts" one, as I always love abilities that let you use abilities that cost stuff for free which is KIND OF what this does. This gives you the ability to cast spells a number of times per day using the in-jump equivalent of spell slots. To help illustrate this, let's use the magical projectile spell from earlier as an example. With this you can cast that spell five times a day without it costing you any mana or anything like that, even material components, before you begin to have to pay other resources to use magic. These spell slot like things are separated based on power level and as you grow stronger you gain new slots. This perk is WILD, as this lets you do stuff like cast Wish without expending material resources (a certain number of times a day at least), and lets you save other resources for more valuable causes (like bribes when your "Wishes" go awry). Other handy abilities in this category include the Dramatic and Quick Caster perks, which allow you to complicate your spells in terms of casting times and costs for a boost in power or simplify them (sometimes at the cost of them costing a bit more, if they are complicated enough).
This jump offers a few ways to learn new magic, and I have one that I'm particularly fond of: magical skill tree which is a video-game-like perk that lets you learn new magic by beating up foes, getting "essence" from them, and spending it. You can also select Themed Magic; a perk which lets you give yourself a theme and then snag spells based around it and you'll automatically learn more over time. There are also other methods, though those two are my faves.
This jump has ways of letting you make new friends, be it through a familiar perk, a perk to bring stuff to life (and giving living things new forms), perks to animate stuff, and even the Master and Apprentice perk which lets you summon two magical homies one of whom is a powerful magical master and the other of whom is their plucky apprentice who loves learning. Both are your pals and want you to succeed, throwing their weight behind your efforts.
There is a pair of synergizers here, one which offers boosts to your body based on how half of how good a wizard you are and another which does the reserve, enhancing your magic based on how half of your physique. These perks are GREAT for specialists one way or another who either want to become better warriors (and are excellent magicians) or who want to become better magicians (if you're some sort of physical trainer or professional athlete, or otherwise have a strength build).
Some of the perks here improve your body or mind, granting you new skills like a PHD in chemistry, resistance to mind-based attacks based on your willpower, two separate abilities to tie your health and well-being to magic,
There are other perks worth looking at as well, but seeing as there are multiple pages of perks I just wanted to highlight SOME of them.

General & Concluding Thoughts

There is a lot of fun stuff here. The items are probably not necessary (though some of them may serve as decent objects to own in the beginning of a chain, especially the wizard's tower and the case containing the components for constructs), but the perks are neat. Some of these perks are incredibly good and will serve and follow you for the rest of your chain, such as the two synergizers and the magical skill tree, and the Life & Creation magic perk.
I think this could make an incredibly fun first jump, or as a supplement to one's first adventure jump. It's not radically powerful but it has plenty of stuff that ages with you and a lot of neat tricks you can reliably use to turn the tides of future conflicts. I think this is just a nice, fun jump.

Hi everyone,
Here's the summary/outline for the second half of Day 2 of Safe House. Sorry again for the length; they did a lot of talking-based activities today, and I wanted to try to translate and explain a good portion of it for you all. Hope this helps!
Video Link: https://www.youtube.com/live/GkCLXss5hHI?feature=shared

• They're relaxing and playing Uno when we join them
• 15:30 PD asks Earth to go collect some snacks from the front door (sponsored by Snack Jack)
• 18:30 Earth starts reading the directions for the next medal game (also sponsored by Snack Jack. King of the Day divides everyone into two teams of 4. Each team in charge of "protecting" one flavour of Snack Jack. One person from Team A will sit blindfolded and try to protect the Snack Jack while all members of Team B will have two minutes to try to retrieve the Snack Jack while wearing bells on their bodies to make their movements louder. The blindfolded person can order everyone in Team B to move and stop, and each time they call stop, they have the opportunity to make one shot with a water gun. If they successfully hit a member of Team B, that person is eliminated from the competition. If someone from Team B successfully retrieves one bag of Snack Jack, opens it, and eats one piece, then Team B wins. If this has not been completed within the two minutes, Team A wins. The person with the water gun can only shoot up to 10 times in total during the 2 minutes. The team positions will change and they will play again. If both teams successfully steal, the team that steals the soonest within the 2 minutes wins. Winners get one medal each
  • 20:15 Luke decides to pick his team based on the three lowest-scoring people on the ranking board, hoping that he can help carry them to a victory and help them get one medal
  • 23:00 They go to the play zone/pool area and start strategising. Team B will attempt to steal first, and Luke will be the blindfolded person from Team A. There's some brief confusion about which flavoucolour each team is supposed to protect and steal.
  • 28:30 PD helps to go over the rules one more time and serves as the referee. Everyone on the stealing team needs to start by touching one of the walls of the room. Blindfolded person has to spin five times before the game begins.
  • 31:30 Luke didn't know that the eliminated people have to go stand behind him, so he mistakenly shoots Mix, but it doesn't count
  • 38:00 The next stealing team is strategising, and PD says that they have 15 more seconds to talk before they have to take their positions.
  • 40:00 The protecting team's "cheering" is a bit suspicious. PD asks them to be quiet, but they don't listen
• 46:00 Dinner. Menu includes soy sauce chicken with rice, pad gaprao beef with dried chili, pork gyoza, and banoffee pie for desert (in the fridge). They decide to eat directly out of the containers so there will be fewer dishes to wash. As usual, there's some awkwardness at the beginning because everyone wants to eat, but they want to think of something to talk about so the audience don't get bored
  • Dinner highlights: 55:00 They decide to exchange ghost stories tonight. Neo asks Luke if ghost stories is as much of a thing abroad as it is in Thailand. He says that he has one friend who has a personal ghost story that he can share: When Luke's friend was around 7, he was running around another friend's basement when he ran into an elderly woman doing some laundry. He later asked the parents of the house who that lady was, and they said that there's no one there, but they had an elderly maid years ago who died. So after that, the friend didn't like to go into basements anymore.
  • 58:45 Earth asks why Western ghost stories always seem to take place in attics or basements
  • 1:02:00 The guys ask if Luke has heard of the type of Thai ghost that wears old-style ceremonial clothing and does Thai traditional dance (considered very creepy).
  • 1:06:00 They bring dessert to eat outside. They get inspired to start playing on the large floating rafts in the pool while still clothed, and PD warns them to at least take off their mic packs first if they're going to do that
  • 1:14:30 They snack on some items from the seafood fridge, and then relax for a while in the area in front of the medal board. Pond gives some dance pointers.
  • 1:26:00 Some English/Thai lessons. They discuss how the direct translation of the Thai term for "living room" means "room where you sit leisurely" (or if you translate it even more literally like how Luke does, it translates to "room where you sit down and play"). Neo struggles a bit and blames it on Luke "unclear pronunciation." Luke gives some sentences for Neo (then Earth and Gun) to translate to Thai
  • 1:29:45 They think about what else to do, and they suggest several traditional Thai games, one of which is the "live fish/dead fish" that I explained previously. The topic of being blindfolded comes up, and they mention that when Luke was playing the Snack Jack game, he handled the water gun as if he were a cowboy. They start playing the live fish/dead fish game, but PD intervenes and invites them to come play the next medal game
• 1:38:30 Medal game (sponsored by the black inhalers). King of the Day will pair everyone up. Each pair will be tied together at the waist and hands, and all the pairs need to walk around the house together in order to try to find the two random mystery items somewhere around the house that have been scented with the peppermint scent of the black inhalers. The two pairs that find these two mystery items will get one medal each. Some of the pairs struggle a bit because they were smelling the inhalers too much at the beginning, so everything was smelling like peppermint to them.
• 1:51:30 Relaxing time
  • 1:55:45 Since everyone is planning to take a shower, Pond is a bit lazy to shower, and he s that his says uncle once told him that if your heart/soul are clean, your body is automatically clean, so he might use that excuse. He wants to go downstairs to make a Thai omelette (a little extra salty), but since he didn't shower in the morning, he'll shower first and then go make food.
  • 2:03:00 Small jam session in the larger bedroom
  • 2:22:00 Pond and Phuwin wish a happy birthday to P'Golf if he's watching
• 2:26:00 They do a game/activity where you answer questions and then the book will interpret aspects of your personality based on your answers. Gun reads the questions and interpretations, and the rest of the guys choose which option they want from each question
  • General statement: the answer choices are numbered 1-3 or 1-4. The numbers in Thai are 1=neung, 2=song, 3=saam, 4=see, so maybe you can hear which options each person is talking about when they're deciding which fits best with each person. Sometimes Gun also reads them as A, B, C, D.
  • 2:27:00 Question 1: When you sing karaoke with your friends, what type of song do you choose?
    • Rock: don't feel the need to overcompensate to express your uniqueness or individuality
    • Current chart hits: (Gun didn't read it because no one chose it)
    • Old songs: wants to be different/unique. You're a bit dramatic sometimes and sometimes it's like you're in a drama/lakhorn
    • Don't like to karaoke: Really wants to be unique/different. You might not be good at singing, but for the things you're good at, you're so good that people around you will compliment you and grow your ego even further
  • 2:33:45 Question 2: When you go to a roadside noodle stall, how long will you wait until you start to get a little impatient about the wait time? (as a qualifier, they make their decisions based on the assumption that the restaurant is not that crowded)
    • 3 minutes: No one chose it, but Gun read that it means that you are a bit selfish and you prioritise your needs and feelings over others'
    • 8 minutes: you have some patience (~50%). You can do a pretty decent job with enduring hardships and uncomfortable situations
    • 12 minutes: patience level ~90%. You might have a hard time believing in yourself or standing up for yourself
  • 2:37:30 Question 3: Close your eyes and imagine a bunch of flowers. What colour are these flowers? (at first, some of them didn't think of any of the listed options, or they thought of multiple colours). The guys made comments throughout this question that the interpretations were either not accurate, or that they seemed unnecessarily harsh. Hahaha. [also, this was quite a difficult question for me to translate because a lot of the words and concepts mentioned are quite specific in Thai and don't have direct/clean translations to English, but I tried to keep the translation as concise as possible, so I apologise]
    • Red: You have a high level of confidence/pride (90%). You put your full effort into everything and want to demonstrate your abilities and power. However, your level of confidence might turn out to be a bit of a curse because others won't want to be close to you
    • Purple: Confidence/pride 50%. You can think a little highly of yourself sometimes. You can hold grudges for a long time. You are probably talented in the arts.
    • Yellow: Confidence/pride 40%. You can change your mind easily and quickly. You're a little idealistic. Stay humble, and your self-confidence will grow naturally with your achievements
    • Blue: no one chose it
  • 2:42:20 Question 4: Imagine a person in your head who you might want to go and get to know (they also comment throughout that some of these interpretations are harsh or inaccurate. Like the further along in the game they get, the worse they feel about themselves. But then they realise that the name of the book they're reading means "Why is your heart cruel?" and the moral of the book is that everyone has some non-ideal qualities, etc.)
    • Colourful: no one chose it
    • Clean/classic/neat: The person in your imagination doesn't get lonely easily. They can be stubborn and demanding.
    • Trendy fashion: The person in your imagination likes to change to fit in with people around them. They get lonely easily
    • Own individual style: The person in your imagination gets lonely only sometimes. They can be serious/intense and can pull some energy from those around them
  • 2:47:40 Question 5: You're at a restaurant with a romantic partner, and you're both full. Someone brings a dessert for your romantic partner that happens to be a favourite dessert of yours. What does your partner do? (They found the question confusing, so they changed it to ask what they themselves would do. But then there was confusion about who was the person bringing the dessert, like if it's a potential romantic competitor or just the restaurant employee, etc. They never fully understood the question or agreed on the conditions of the hypothetical situation. It wasn't until Gun started reading the interpretations that they started to understand that the point of this question is basically to anticipate how likely you are to cheat in a relationship. It's not clear to anyone because the question isn't worded well, but they're interpreting it as if a potential romantic competitor handed a dessert to your romantic partner. If your partner eats it, then I suppose it means that they're not being faithful to you because eating the dessert means that they're showing the competitor that they have a chance? It's honestly a poorly worded question, and everyone was still confused at the end)
    • Don't touch it at all
    • Try it a little bit ("nit neung" in Thai so you guys can understand what they're discussing)
    • Eat half of it
    • Eat all of it
  • 2:55:30 Neo reads Question 6: if you and a romantic partner are feeding animals, which animal would you both choose to feed?
    • Snake: no one chose it
    • Tiger: You do everything fully; if you want to do something, you do it. You might prefer romantic partners who are older than you
    • Elephant: You are chill and easy-going. You hope that you can find someone supportive
    • Monkey: You prefer to be friends first before becoming romantic partners
  • 2:59:00 Question 7: If you're travelling out of town with someone you're romantically interested in, which method of travel do you choose? (it doesn't specify how far you're going)
    • High-speed train: Your prospective partner wants you
    • Train: no one chose it
    • Car: You and your partner want to get to know each other better
    • Plane: Your partner wants you to be more bold and wants to spend more time with you
  • 3:02:00 Question 8: If you and a romantic partner are walking up a mountain to admire a view together, what view would you most want to see? (this question is more explicit than they're openly talking. They're basically talking about sexual preferences and making innuendoes, but censoring as they go)
    • Sunrise
    • Another mountain
    • City scape
    • A cloudy/foggy cover scene
• 3:06:00 Relaxing time. Pond still wants Thai omelette like he did before, so he and Phuwin go to the kitchen to make one.
• 3:15:30 Fan Talk
  • Group 1 Highlights: Most of them stayed up late talking last night because they haven't seen each other in a while. Mix slept earliest and also woke up one of the earliest. Their throats are still sore from the chicken sounds competition from the morning. They playfully tease Luke about being King of the Day, like how it's easier for people in larger bodies to make louder sounds, and also that apparently American chickens sound weird. They mention how he was thoughtful to pick the three lowest-scoring people to be his team later so he could try to help them get a medal. They recapped the black inhaler game and said that the ones who smelled them too much before starting the game couldn't smell anything because the smell was lingering too strongly in their noses. Neo also talks about how the others pranked him to push him into the pool earlier. They're feeling increasingly more comfortable with each other, so they're looking forward to seeing how their relationships develop throughout the rest of the week. At around 3:22:00, Neo mentions that before, he thought Mix was quieter and "cooler" than how he's shown himself to actually be these two days. They are a bit surprised at Luke as well because he can switch between super playful moods and super serious moods when it's time for competition because he really wants to win. They all agree that Khaotung is the "dark horse" because he's more quiet and low-profile but he's one of the highest scorers. They enjoyed the Snack Jack game a lot, and around 3:26:00 they make fun of way Luke handled the water gun; it made them feel like they were in a thriller film. The second defending team tried to defend their "cheering" to help Earth when he was blindfolded
    • Fan Comments: They wanted to hear Khaotung more. They ask about things they might have forgotten to bring, and Neo said that he brought only four pairs of underwear for the week. Khaotung admits that he was a fan of Gun's before joining GMMTV. Fans complimented Neo's humour and requested more jokes. Someone said that they looked like four cats, so they tried to synchronise their head movements to look like a group of cats. Fans said that Gun was cute with his childhood blanket.
  • Group 2 Highlights (3:38:15): They made fun of Neo for not exercising with Luke, but he said that at least Neo woke up and went down, but he only exercised a little before giving up and going back to sleep. They agree that Neo is the life of the house, and the experience would probably be a lot less exciting or entertaining without him. Luke enjoyed being King of the Day, but he was a little frustrated that he and Earth didn't find the scented toilet paper in the black inhaler game because they walked past it but couldn't smell it. They all really enjoyed the Snack Jack game, and again, they said that Luke looked so cool and intense when he had the water gun. Luke learned that he always pointed the water gun correctly initially, but he kept second-guessing himself and moving his aim before shooting. They're all finding the house and the environment easy to adjust to, and they're all feeling happy. They're all playfully perplexed by how much energy Neo has, and they also agree that Khaotung is the dark horse. At 3:47:00, Pond and Earth bond over the fact that in all GMMTV competitions they've every participated in, they've always scored very lowly. Earth says partially jokingly that he has sometimes gone home and asks, "Am I just truly not good?" They have faith that Pond can perform well in any activity with a physical component (especially dancing), and Mix and Gun are probably best at activities that require cunningness/craftiness.
    • 3:50:00 Fan comments: Luke tries to answer an English comment, and he successfully translates them to Thai. Luke and Phuwin give statements in English. People ask when they're going to finally play a full game of "live fish/dead fish." People make fun of Pond for being lazy to shower, and he reiterates the saying his uncle told him about having a clean heart/soul. They also address the comments asking for English subtitles. They say that Mix eats the most in the house, but he gains a lot of happiness from food. They hope that they'll have the ghost story session tonight.
• 3:58:00 Relaxing/leisure time. Gun and Khaotung are making crispy fried shredded imitation crab with truffle salt.
  • 4:06:30 Pond, Neo, and Luke play darts. Phuwin joins later. Luke explains the rules to Khaotung.
  • 4:19:00 Phuwin plays around a bit with a guitar. Others later join to sing a bit. Khaotung and Luke continue playing darts.
  • 4:34:30 Gun and Earth play with one of the cameras. Neo joins.
  • 4:42:00 Neo, Luke, Khaotung, Gun, and Earth play Uno [sorry, I don't know the rules]
  • Gun and Phuwin make some noodles and share them with the guys around 5:09:00
  • 5:13:00 Khaotung and Phuwin make a different type of instant noodle and discuss their preferred ways to prepare instant noodles
• 5:29:00 Ghost stories
  • 5:30:00 Pond's story: A story of a friend of his. It takes place in a dormitory that is next to a temple. They keep interrupting him, so Pond keeps repeating the phrase "dormitory next to a temple" many times, which makes everyone laugh and continue interrupting him. Pond's friend was living with a roommate, and the roommate had to pray in the evenings. Pond's friend was on the top level of a bunk bed, but every night, he heard the roommate sit almost like they're praying, but they're always facing an empty chair like they're talking to someone. One day, the roommate asked Pond's friend if he could sleep on the upper bunk with him, and Pond's friend was confused but agreed. At night, Pond's friend heard a voice asking if the bedroom was full yet and whether another person could come sleep. (There's a belief in Thailand that if you hear voices talking to you in the night, you shouldn't reply to them or engage with them). They sat up and looked around, and there was no one else in the room who could have asked that. After that, Pond's friend wanted to move to a different room/dormitory.
  • 5:34:30 Add-on to Pond's story; takes place in the same dormitory building. The guys jokingly ask if it was next to a temple before letting him continue. There was a small room/passageway inside that they believed was a passageway for ghosts. Every day at 02:00, people will hear knocking sounds and sometimes door slamming from that area. These sounds even continued when the students were mostly away at their homes. A few times, things were falling off of shelves. The remaining students investigated but couldn't find anything. In that room/area, there was a closet/wardrobe with a mirror next to the bathroom. In the mirror, they could see a woman sitting hunched over in the bathroom, but they couldn't see anything when they turned to look directly in the bathroom.
  • 5:39:00 Earth's story. Earth tells Mix to tell it instead because he's better at storytelling. Once Mix was at the house of a friend of his (implied to be Earth's house). He was showering upstairs, when he heard someone opening and closing a door. He later asked the owner of the house, and they said that they never went upstairs because they were sleeping downstairs. Mix demonstrates the walkway to enter the bathroom/powder room, and how when you can see the mirror immediately upon opening the door. One time, Mix opened the door and saw a man standing. At 5:41:50, PD pranks them by playing a loud slamming noise to scare them. Mix continues the story: The man he saw walked straight into the area outside of the bathroom and disappeared into some of the furniture.
  • 5:43:20: Add-on to Earth/Mix's story. A different day, someone came to collect Mix at the house. The person who came to collect Mix at the house saw someone standing by the front of the house when they arrived, but at that time, Mix and the owner of the house were still sleeping inside. Quick additional story: Mix was in the bathroom once, when he heard someone trying to forcibly enter the bathroom. He opened the door and saw nothing.
  • 5:45:30 Earth's story: He went with a friend on a vacation where they stayed in a two-bedroom bungalow that was made of wood, including the furniture. Earth was having trouble sleeping, and at one point, he heard some noises. He tried to sit up to investigate, but he couldn't move anything in his body. In his peripheral vision, he heard a woman (he's basically describing sleep paralysis). He starts praying a bit and slowly, his condition improves until the vision of the woman disappears and he's able to move.
  • 5:49:00 Neo's story: He sets the story in his old school without saying the name, but he mentions so many descriptors like the location, history, etc., that everyone makes fun of him that it's clear which school it is already. He was staying in an athlete's dormitory. The badminton players used to have ghost storytelling sessions where they would talk about the ghost of that building. People would see a person in a white outfit on the stairs, specifically on the flight of stairs on the fifth level. (there are two sets of stairs, one on each short side of the building, and there's a small passageway where if you wanted to, you can pass to the opposite stairwell. This passageway was the haunted one on the fifth level, so people were afraid to look or walk though that area. Neo didn't believe the stories, but one time, during the regular evening dormitory inspections (around 22:00 every night), the inspector was passing by. Neo's bedroom was in a location where the walkway outside that section had a dead end, so you could only walk in one direction and then walk back the other direction in order to leave. Therefore, the boys always waited for the inspector to pass by the window twice before they knew that the coast was clear for them to continue talking, playing on their phones, etc. However, this time, the inspector only passed by the window once. The boys waited in silence for the second passing, but it never came, so eventually four of the boys decided to open the door and look for the inspector. They looked toward the end of the hallway where the person must be if they haven't walked back past the window again, but there was no one there, so everyone wondered who that must have been who walked past the window once and disappeared.
  • 5:56:45 Mix's story: In his house outside of Bangkok, the structure used to be a small apartment building but got turned into a house. Mix's father bought it, split it in half, and rented out the other half. When Mix was younger, he was watching television with the room door ajar (his room was next to the head of the stairs). The light from the TV could illuminate the area outside of the door. One day, outside his door, he saw an elderly lady dressed in a traditional dress of Northern Thailand. Mix followed her out onto the stairway until she disappeared. The next day, Mix told his father about it, and his father stoically told Mix that the previous owner of the house was an elderly lady who died by falling off the stairs and breaking her neck. Apparently in the other half of the house they were renting out, the tenants tended to not stay long before moving out. At one point, a friend of Mix's father rented the half of the house for a short lease, and the friend said that he kept hearing and/or seeing a male walking around the house, even though he lived alone.
  • 6:02:00 Phuwin's story: he lives in a Chinese-style house, and this was during a Chinese festival. Phuwin's father lit some incense to pray around 16:00 (late afternoon). (usually incense sticks take a couple of hours to burn out). That night, a little after midnight, Phuwin's father felt like something wasn't right, so he went down to investigate. In Phuwin's house, people usually go upstairs around 22:00 and don't really come down for anything. Phuwin's father saw that the incense he lit >8 hours prior were still smoking, and as he looked at the incense, they caught in flame (incense are supposed to just smoke until they run out, not be actively on fire). So Phuwin's father thinks a ghost was warning him to come and put out the incense so the house wouldn't catch fire, but it was still very strange that the incense was burning/smoking for >8 hours.
  • 6:05:00 Everyone says goodnight to the viewers

eFootball gameplay seem to be going in a bad direction for the past months. To much AI defending/assistance/game balancing, game adding input lag, interceptions, poor passing, fouls not called for, hot potato football not rewarding any type of skillful play. The gameplay feels like its on rails, freedom is gone, players don't respond to your inputs and chances are created by either teams AI players mistakes or incredibly stupid runs. It's just not fun to play anymore. Neither online or vs AI.
eFootball could be fantastic if Konami would listen to ideas, criticism and improve. Here is my wishlist. Feedback based on me and the kids playing on PS4, PS5 and mobile. Offline and online.

1. Reduce the heavy AI assistance / game-balancing / handholding / Auto defending / Dynamic Difficulty / momentum / whatchamacallit (scr...). I understand its for getting new players staying in the game, having a chance getting coins in the events and winning games. And perhaps make games more non-predictable "anything can happen, maybe". With the current AI handholding level its "anything will happen, constantly". So many chances are created by either teams AI players making mistakes or just making incredibly stupid runs, its like a badly scripted B-movie. The amount of goalpost hits and missed open goals is just silly currently, this goes on until the last few minutes of each match. Please reduce it, or even remove it from Co-op and other game modes where skill should be rewarded. I'd rather get smashed 15-0 and learn from a good player. Than having to play another game with: added input lag and your players turn, react with 0,5 sec delay / 1 team loses every header / 4 shots in goalpost / own goals / missed open goals from 2-3m consequently, instead you have to run the ball into goal!!! / hide n seek players with pass receiver running away from the ball positioning behind defender / every ball intercepted / misdirected passes / every pass straight to other team / passes goes through "invisible" player / player freezing or even running wrong direction vs your stick / opponent attacking with high punt or lofted pass but your defender running past the ball towards opposition goal / ball glued to opposite player in the box / every attempt clearing the ball goes short distance straight to other team, even goalie high punt / all stunning shots 3m over the goal before 85min + all the other crap that's in there. This gameplay on rails is so unrewarding. If I manage to do something skillfull the AI assistance just kills the opportunity with any means. When the AI assistance takes a break, I get an easy goal with no effort from a random through pass + tap in. Many times I can't tell if I am playing well or the game has decided I should win/lose, it kills the joy for me and it's just boring. If Konami could tone down all the weird punishments I'd be very grateful.
2. Passing and interceptions. Currently worst ever IMO. Game just decides your pass from a player in balance is 90-180 degrees of straight to opponent. Even on Beginner AI and no matter PA1, 2 or 3😂 And the constant interceptions. No flow in the game. Please work on this Konami.
3. Remove the artificial input-lag. (This is a controversial one, some players simply don't believe our experience it. For me it's obvious as it can be tested offline in several ways on PS5, on mobile I havent tried to confirm it) Stop punishing one side with artificial input lag which make the gameplay feel heavy, unresponsive and your players turn & react with 0,5 sec delay. This is not from server lag as it's there in AI matches and local Trial matches as well, just switch controller between team 1 & 2 and feel the difference. It might activate from beginning of game, or in 2nd half, usually when you are doing well. And vice versa it can dissapear in 2nd half. From my experience it can be reduced or removed by switching playstyle. When finding the right playstyle for that specific match, your players suddenly become responsive again, it can even happen after switching to lowest Manager profiency. I assume its part of the game balancing mechanics. For me this is one of the worst things in the current game, when it kicks in your players don't respond to inputs in time and gameplay just feels awful.
4. Fix the player freezing. Example: after losing a header to last defender suddenly your attacker just freezes. What's going on here? Have Konami added to much AI handholding and broken the game? 😂😂😂
5. Reward different playstyles like build up play. Currently most games seem to be high press, interception ping-pong, quick pass and no dribbles. Hot potato football. Holding the ball has become very difficult. Before the AI assistance and auto defending went berzerk, you could actually keep the ball for a second and do something creative. Without 3-5 guys surrounding your player with no options. Now the gameplay is boring with the lack of variety.
6. Create a game mode free from AI assistance & artificial input lag. Just pure skill. It could be beta, division free or whatever just let us play without the heavy AI handholding. And maybe eFootball will be esports ready 😉. To be honest if another football game is released without momentum/game-balancing /added input-lag and with gameplay based on pure skill. I think eFootball will lose a lot of players.
7. Add Dream team into Trial match. As Trial match is the only game mode which supports 2-4 local players on same console, same screen. We have 2 kids who love the card collecting and building their team. But playing online is of no interest to them, and won't be in many years. They want to play local PvP or co-op but with their own Dream team on the same screen from one Playstation. By now we are very tired of playing the same local play Trial match Argentina Vs PSG. The kids have almost stopped playing eFootball, since they cant play against each other with their own team. In addition this would be a great way to test out new players, builds and game mechanics together with a friend. Much more fun than training mode. This mode is what my family is missing most from this game. And if it would be a "pure" mode without any momentum/game-balancing things would be fantastic. Just pure skill, best player wins.
8. Please add Dream team to Trial match local co-op Vs AI. Would be so much fun to test your Dream Team against the AI together with the kids or a friend on the couch beside you seeing the same screen. Would love this mode if it would become available.
9. Add local co-op in Events. Would be great if me and the kids could take on the events together. At least add it to the AI events. Then we would actually play them and not just sim them.
10. Myleague local co-op. Add both local and online co-op into Myleague please. A reason to play it and win the league together with the kids 😀
11. Make My League worth playing. 100.000GP for completing 38 matches and winning the league is very poor IMO. Add some skill trainers and raise the GP perhaps?
12. Add all Goal Scorers, Assists and Passes made to Half Time and Full Time game stats. So we can quickly get the overview of which player cards performed well in both teams. That information would be highly appreciated.
13. Contract renewal is way too expensive. Considering many players have paid plenty in real money to get the favourite players, and you only get to keep your player for 1 year. We are paying for this digital football Pokémon and we can't even use it as long as we would like. There should be more ways to get contract renewals, the periods should be longer, 3/6/9/12months and the price should be lower. Currently it's just irritating and another killing the fun factor.
14. Make each playstyle worth using. And reward playing different type of formations. Instead of everyone using META 4 defenders and no wingers/LMF/RMF.
15. Better & more expensive Point shop players. Can we please have some decent players? I'd gladly spend 50000-100000 pink points for a player if his stats are good. IMO there hasn't been an interesting player since Ferrer & Pires. Currently I don't see any use for points except contact renewal.
16. Remove the GP cost for player reset. Having to wait for 2-3 months and then stressing for a few free weeks to retrain and test new builds doesn't make sense. GP is too valuable for me, I use it for Legacy Transfer and Contract renewal, and the few occasional GP buys for Events or hidden gems. I enjoy training players and trying out new builds, if free it would keep me logging in even when there is nothing else to do in the game.
17. Reduce the cost for Legacy transfer. Getting your wanted skills and then transferring to your favourite player is one of the game aspects I really like. But 257,000 GP for one transfer is a lot and takes away much of the fun in Legacy transfer. You get 1 Mbappe for less than 2 Legacy transfer. I am always low on GP these days, and I think 100,000-150,000 GP would be reasonable for Legacy transfer for 1 skill.
18. Legacy transfer of skills to POTW cards. If we could add 1-2 skills to the POTW the cards would be more interesting and I'd spend more coins spinning. We would get more varied and unpredictable squads instead of everybody using the same players. Most players know the good cards, what to expect from opponents cards and how to counter. Lets say you add some strong passing or shooting skills to a player usually weak in that aspect. The unpredicability would be awesome!
19. Replace/delete added skills. Building players would be much more fun if I could replace a trained skill with another one using legacy transfer. Or just be able to delete an added skill. Perhaps my playstyle changes and I want Neymar to have Through passing instead of the previously added Long-range shooting.
20. GP an option for pack spins. But it shouldn't be easy. Hard grind should be rewarded as it gives a reason to play the game. I am thinking 7,5M GP you get 75 spins in a 150 pack. That takes perhaps 6 months to grind. And perhaps the remaining 75 spins is coins only. Lower thresholds like 10 spins för 1M GP would be great but I understand its not gonna happen, as it would hurt the coin sales.
21. Remove the 500 player cap or reduce cost of adding player slots. If you are grinding skill trainers with 0GP players and training players the 500 fills up quite easily. Or reduce the 500.000GP for an extra 50 players to maybe 100.000GP. This 500 player limit is very annoying and seems unnecessary.
22. Add skill trainers and position trainers to each match pass. Would make the Match Pass way more interesting and I would spend coins.
23. Make it worthwhile playing League / divisions. Currently I don't see much reason to play it. A few skill trainers and low GP reward can't motivate me spending the time.
24. Find a way to prevent players from forfeiting games, at least events and co-op. Maybe if you are down a few goals sometimes add a random bonus like score with player X to receive 1 skill trainer, 10000 GP or something. Just to motivate players completing the match. Or create a non forfeit streak, like 10, 20 or 30 games without forfeit and you get an free extra POTW spin. (Credit: Part of this idea is from eFootball Universe Youtube)
25. 1st celebration should also be skippable. It's just time consuming in online games. Not adding any value to except maybe noobs who scored their first goal ever.
26. An option to make Sub tactic clearly visible in Game plan if activated. I played to many games now without knowing I had sub-tactic activated 😂
27. Matchmaking. This was good for a while after the matchmaking update, but not anymore. There must be something seriously wrong here. When playing in Division 9 to 7, we constantly get division 1-2 opponents in the events. Had top 120 and top 200 in a row even. 750M downloads and nobody else playing. Really?
28. The daily penalty needs an upgrade. Suggestion: More fun If I could choose player from my Dream Team. And add random Epic goalies to spice it up 😉
29. Add statistics of headers, penalties and free kicks scored on each player card. This would add value and make it more interesting building squads. Konami you have the data, use it!
30. More variety in Events. BBVA, Turkish, Brazilian Italian, English, Japan league. Over and over and over... Cmon Konami create something different so we can rotate our squads more. Suggestion: An event where only max 4 star players are allowed? Or higher GP rewards the weaker squad you use? (Credit: idea is partly from Rockchok Youtube)
31. More Beat the Clock type of events. Both me and the kids enjoyed this one. Create something similar for skill moves. Example: Perform 5 Double touch + 5 Marseille turn across pitch with fixed dummies or defending players. Or a sequence where you have to perform skill move x and y before scoring.
32. Objectives with extra bonuses. Add weekly objectives or similar. Score a hat-trick, win on penalties or score 5 times using skill move. And get some type of rewards, GP, Skill trainers, Position trainers, avatars, whatever just variety and something to play for.
33. Co-op events. So much potential but the gameplay on rails, AI assistance and the constant random AI punishments kills the fun for me. You feel almost instantly if the AI assistance is on your side or against you. Either everything goes your way and it's too easy or Epics can't make a simple pass, the input lag kicks in and your player is even dragged out of position so the other team can score. Every game feels pre-decided with almost every touch being a mistake or fumble by the team who is supposed to concede a goal. Or its 1 goal back and forth with short sequences where the conceeding team can't touch the ball. In my experience the AI assistance is at its worst in the Co-op games. Quite easy to spot as players regularly just drop the controller. And game continues to auto defend like prime AC Milan, the non-active player is forcefielded holding the ball, every ball in the box is magically sucked to defenders feet and passes and clearings going 90-180 degrees off straight to opponent. Recent example which has happened in several co-op games: Goalie makes several stupid run outs to a perfect 4 man defending line, leaving the net wide open. Changing goalie doesn't help. Same thing with 2nd goalie until opponent gets his 2 goals. Sorry but when my player, gameplay and result is controlled by AI instead of me and my teammate I lose interest.
34. Add 2nd local player to co-op events. Why can't 2 players join the co-op events together from one Playstation? Me and the kids would play co-op events a lot if this was possbile.
35. Booster player forms. Wirtz card and several other are never on A-form. Whats the point of creating a booster card then? (credit: PES Pepe Youtube)
36. Communication. Info on gameplay changes in each update would be appreciated. Like before. (credit: PES Pepe Youtube))
37. Heavy first touch or fumble receiving the ball. +90 Ball control player cant receive a pass without starting to fumble or needing several seconds to gain control, then losing the ball, again and again and again. Does stats even matter when game balancing just decides anyway?
38. Don't launch Crossplay with mobile. I suspect the recent braindead heavy assisted gameplay is needed for upcoming crossplay console & mobile update. This might be what we are getting. Gameplay on rails, autodefend, no skill, unrewarding, boring. I hope I am wrong and the previous fun gameplay on console is not gone forever 😢.
39. Master League? Promised some years ago. I guess it does not generate enough coin sales?
40. Edit mode. Create a custom crest and kits for our dream team.
41. AI games are boring and inconsistent. Even on easier difficulties the dynamic game balancing makes you miss so many chances in 1st half, open goals whatever. Then in 2nd its just walk the ball into box and quick shot goal. But if you decide to pass the ball in the box then it's magnet to defender, why not reward passing in the box? The inconsistency in the AI is just bad. And the coding seems lazy. I watch our 11 year old play and do all the right things, but the game just kills all her self-created chances. On harder difficulties even if I read the play and position perfectly to intercept a pass, the pass goes straight through my defender. And adding to that the constant interceptions and not being able to hold ball more than 0.3sec. To my understanding the AI was better before without having to bypass game mechanics (cheat), instead it was actually playing smarter. For me playing the AI is either too easy once the early game "Thou shall not score" wears off or just boring on higher difficulties. How hard is it to develop AI gameplay which is both fun, rewarding and teaching how to play better?
42. Player speed is broken. The slowest defender will catch up in 2-3 seconds with any attacker running with the ball. No matter stats of players. You make a great pass but this broken game mechanic ruins the opportunity. This is both unrealistic and highly unrewarding.
43. Player switching. Another game mechanic which seems broken and with hidden punishments added. I have mostly been using semi-assist and player oriented switching, R stick to switch. Recently switched to ball-oriented. And in my experience. When the game is against you, it constantly punishes you with bad player switching and worst default player selection. Many times the game refuses to switch to player in front of ball when I am trying to defend. Instead I am flicking through the guys behind the attacking player, while I am trying to get control of my defender. When I have free kick against me, default player is always the worst possible option eg. my CF standing 10m behind the free kick taker. Why? I enjoy a challenge but having to fight with my controller is not one of them.
44. Sort player list by team name. Would help when choosing team for events. And a nice feature when browsing all my players.
45. Position trainers. This feature was a nice addition. But can be improved and made more interesting. (A) Remove the possibility of getting duplicates on full position slots. It's just stupid and annoying. (B) Add random playstyle rewards on the new position. So an AMF Hole Player could also be SS Deep Lying Forward after Position training. (Credit: efNuts YouTube)
46. Add Position and Skill trainers to point shop. At least we could spend the pink points on something. (Credit: Shoshinsha65)

Some of these are cosmetics and should be quite easy to implement, whereas others like new type of events takes more effort. Dream team in Trial mode and adding already existing local Co-op to more events/game modes shouldn't be that difficult. Gameplay affecting changes are likely hard and need to be tested so it doesn't affect game in a negative way.
I guess Konami calculates profits are better by pushing all players to online play. But at the same time they are neglecting the player group which prefers offline, and are willing to buy coins to get their favourite players cards. Hopefully Konami will reconsider, add a proper Master League and more offline modes with co-op and PvP.
All in all it should result in a more enjoyable experience for both ballers, casuals, squad-builders, card-collectors and those who just want offline couch co-op or PvP with their Dream team. More people having fun and spending time in the game usually results in praise, recommendations and growing user count = more coins spent. Konami keeps earning and customer base is happy. Everyone wins.
/ Cheers and thanks for reading
(This post is continously edited)
https://preview.redd.it/k4gl1sw8z51d1.jpg?width=731&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e99aba57f1ea3678f5d722365604e52ec97edfb4

I’ve (m 34) been stuck my whole life. I used to make excuses that it couldn’t possibly be my fault but now I know it is. I have a job, I’m a member of society, I have dreams and ambitions, but I don’t know how to get through the barrier. I see so many stories about people who decide one day to change their whole life and suddenly they get an amazing job and enough money to buy a house and I just want to have my own place? I know there’s something to be said about my mom treating me like some frail Victorian child who would surely perish in the sunlight should I stray too far, but after a certain point I should have stopped it. I’m going to be thirty five this year and I have barely anything to show for it. I live with my grandmother who I adore and would do anything for as well as my mom and uncle - for background my uncle takes care of and gives my grandma rides because she can’t drive, my mom complains about being asked to do minor tasks - I work at a convenience store and give money where I can to my grandma, she doesn’t demand rent but I do help her with things and we all have a household bill that we pay to keep things fair. I know it’s incredibly common to still be living with your family, especially right now with how expensive it is to buy a home, but I want to break free of this.
I’m trans, born female, and have been too afraid to even start transitioning because I want to have a kid one day and I’m scared that if I don’t have that child myself I won’t be able to have a child at all. I’ve always wanted to be a parent, but I can’t afford that big of a step anyway, much less to adopt. I guess what stalls me most is that I have these big dreams but I can’t seem to put together the in-between of it. I don’t want to know how to become successful, but how do you even begin putting a life together? How do I get a degree and get a better job when everyone tells me college is too hard and not worth it in the end? What trade-skills can I learn and are they actually worth it? I feel so lost and no matter how much I try to study up on making life better I just end up slowly losing that ambition because I’ll read one thing only to have it immediately cut down by someone else. I’m tired of existing for the sake of existing and want to actually live.
One thing I’ve always wanted was to be a teacher, but I guess over time I’ve just let people talk me out of it. College is difficult, teachers don’t make much so it’s not worth it and yeah that makes sense. Why go into debt just to be stuck in the same place I am now? Though my least favorite response is “If you want to make money, just become a nurse!” and full respect to people who do get their CNA or other certifications, I have made an effort in the past towards this type of job because of my sister and have learned that it’s just not for me. I want to be a writer. I love creating stories, but I don’t know how to translate what’s in my head onto paper, or into a document even. I try to give myself shorter story ideas but that seems to stall my mind even more. Would hiring a ghostwriter help? How much is a ghostwriter? I probably couldn’t afford it anyway. I used to be able to write at the drop of a hat, nothing important to the actual story and it was mostly just world building, but I feel like lately I’ve just been devolving deeper into depression and I’m trying to tread water in the middle of a lake only to realize it’s tar, every time I resurface for air I have a little more of it in my mouth and it seems to pull me down even faster.
Sometimes I just want to disappear, pack a small bag and keep walking until I’m so far away that no one can find me, force myself to get a new life, but deep down I know that won’t change things for the better and my life might end up phenomenally worse.
I don’t know, I’ve never posted to Reddit before and I don’t know if saying all these things will do anything for me or give me the push/drive to make an actual change, but I’m tired of putting all my dreams on a shelf to collect dust.

I see a lot of posts of lonely ppl who want friends. As someone who has consciously taught myself social skills, now makes friends easily, and has maintained deep bonds over decades, I feel qualified to share what I’ve learned. I’ll warn you, tough love and even tougher truths are part of this. If you find yourself arguing, but don’t have friends yourself, ask yourself where that resistance comes from. Don’t direct it at me; take some time to journal and sit with it. This is part of the journey.
I have a lot of info so I’m breaking this into parts. I’m naturally pedantic and have a lot to share. I will do my best to keep it as concentrated as possible but be warned: this will be wordy with no TLDR.
The first part of making friends starts with your physical self. Humans are primarily visual creatures(all genders) and how we present ourselves is the first invitation or hurdle to interacting with ppl.

1. Hygiene: daily showering is a non-negotiable. You can rot on your own time in your own house. If you are going to be a part of society you need to wrangle your body smells so that ppl aren’t offended by your very presence. This is the first tough truth: no one wants to be friends with a smelly person. Use soap and a washcloth, stay away from those plastic nightmare loofahs. Wash every nook, cranny, divet, and crevices. Wash your booty hole and genitals. Change your washcloth daily (wash a$$ last) or use a separate one for your butt. Wash your sheets, pillowcases, towels, robes, and floor mat once a week. Wear deodorant (no, body sprays aren’t deodorant) daily. Some of us are extra stinky due to “stress sweat” aka apocrine glands and this is a common physical side effect of an overtaxed nervous system. Extra stinky ppl need to touch up their armpits with a disinfectant wipe and reapplication of deodorant; lunch time is great for this. Brush your teeth upon waking, after drinking coffee, and after eating. No, gum and mouthwash are only temporary, they aren’t good enough. You still have bad breath. Drinking coffee wo brushing in the morning leads to that extra stinky breath that smells like death. Don’t be that person. Floss once a day. When washing hair, use shampoo and focus on the scalp more than the hair. If you can’t feel the lather on every centimeter, add more to those spots or you will still stink. Most ppl need to wash it twice if they don’t shampoo everyday. Shorter hair, thinning hair, and fine hair need to be washed more often, sometimes daily. We can smell your scalp from far away. Keep your nails trimmed or neatly filed. I’ve had to school multiple men in my life on how raggedy their nails are. Don’t just grow them out until they break off. Keep them short unless you have the time and desire to file and shape them at least once a week. Wash your hands every time you use the bathroom. I don’t care if you didn’t touch yourself, that’s not the point. Ppl notice. Also wash your hands when you’re alone and at home, seriously it’s not that hard. How are you going to want friendship if you don’t value them enough to keep them safe and sanitary? Trim your toenails and stay abreast of how your feet smell. If you have smelly feet you probably have athletes foot. Sprays are an easy way to treat this. If you still have stinky feet after this, keep a change of socks with you so if you go to a no shoes house, you aren’t making ppl sick. Wash inner clothes like shirts and underwear after every wear. Sweat shirts and jeans can often be worn a few times before needing to be washed but smell the armpits and ass, and check for stains before you put them on.

Don’t proceed further until you can adhere to these standards at least when you’re in public. If you’re in a depression and can’t maintain these, stay at home until you can. If you don’t have the energy to bathe and be clean, you don’t have the energy for friends.

1. Grooming. This about looking neat and together. Humans are visual creatures, we judge others based on their looks. I’m not talking skinny/fat, ugly/pretty. I mean that if you look like your life is rough, ppl aren’t going to want to get involved with that. We have our own issues and struggles, we don’t want to add someone to our lives that looks like they are on the brink of a meltdown. Brush your hair and teeth before you leave the house. This is my bare minimum. Curly hair is different but my wavy hair needs to be brushed the same as straight. Combing is also acceptable. Keep an eye on your dandruff. If you have it, treat it. There are many otc options. At the very least shake it out and don’t wear dark colors until it’s fixed. Make sure you don’t have eye crusties, mouth corner goop, or boogers. If you’re showering these are usually not an issue but check for these a few times a day. I don’t iron my clothes but many ppl associate wrinkles with poor grooming. Consider getting a handheld steamer. I personally fold my clothes kon-marie style or hang them and that’s good enough for me. Keep your shoes clean. Lots of people are taught to judge other by the state of their shoes. Notice how many ppl look at your shoes the first time you meet. Wash the white laces regularly, polish and condition leather. Patent shoes are super hard to keep scuff free so avoid them if you are prone to scuffs or dragging your feet. My shoes come untied so I double knot my laces to avoid looking sloppy. Replace buttons and ask a dry cleaner to repair any holes or tears. Relegate worn out and stained clothes to lounge wear.
   
2. Posture. Your posture says so much about you. A relaxed and tall posture says you’re confident and easy going. The type of person we all want to be friends with. Forward head means life has beaten you down. Rounded shoulders says you’ve been hurt but haven’t healed. Collapsed chest says you’ve given up. Lordosis means your core body and core self are weak. Stand with your feet an inch or two from the wall and stand naturally. Your head and most of your spine should touch. If it doesn’t you have work to do. You can’t just force yourself to stand up straight. Your muscles have stretched and atrophied to accommodate this unnatural stance, you will need to rehab your body over weeks and months to regain proper function. Research and watch videos on strengthening postural muscles. My fave that’s easy to explain: when you’re at the wall checking your posture, bend your knees slowly until you can press your spine and back of head into the wall. Stay there for a moment and feel it. That’s the proper position of your pelvis; posture comes from pelvic position not our chest, shoulders, or back. Now clench your ab muscles, they might be weak or non existent. These are the muscles that need to be strengthened. Hold those muscles tight and try to straighten your knees while maintaining that pelvic position. Breathe and hold for 30 seconds. If you can’t do 30 start with 10. Do this every time you go to the bathroom, not necessarily in the bathroom but by tying it to an inevitable part of your day you have a better chance of being consistent.
   
3. Body language. Like posture, we communicate much more than we realize with our bodies. How we walk, sit, fidget, etc telegraphs nonverbal messages to those around us. Many ppl are very dissociated with their daily movements. Take some time to notice how you walk. Do you drag your feet? How would someone describe your walk? Do you schlep, shuffle, scurry? Or do you glide, prance, or stalk? I love to drag my feet and do this at home in my slippers. But in public I am more conscious of how I walk. This is much harder for me to explain. My main tip is to watch out for small, jerky, fast movments, like fidgeting and scurrying. These are prey movements and relegate us to an undesirable social standing: prey. Think of how a mouse moves: small, jerky quick movements. Now think of a panther. Every movement is intentional and controlled, smooth, slow. Go on walks if you are able bodied and start to notice how you move. Notice how those around you move. Which ones seem confident to you and which ones are off putting. Same with sitting. Do your best to sit up straight rather than completely melting into the chair. Don’t “throw” yourself onto someone’s furniture, use your legs to lower yourself down. When listening do your best to keep movements to a minimum. Breathing slowly and deep helps with this. I use my hands to talk when I’m excited and don’t see this as a problem.
   
4. Eye contact. Eye contact is very important but it also varies by culture. This will be regarding western/American culture. Eye contact used to be difficult for me. I now have an engaged and sometimes intense gaze. It’s more important to maintain eye contact when listening, not as important when talking. You don’t have to laser focus, break your gaze regularly to take in the other person’s movements and body language, look briefly at other parts of their face, lower your gaze, glance at the room. But don’t stray for too long, wandering gaze makes ppl feel like you aren’t listening and ppl don’t want to engage with bad listeners. Don’t look at breasts or genitals. Once you’re comfortable with someone you can look away much more or sometimes even look at other things while you listen. But in the beginning you are building trust.
   

Extra credit: cultivate your personal style. This is optional but supremely helpful. A pleasing physical appearance can garner compliments which is a great way to start conversations. It can also connect us with like minded individuals or show our place in a culture or subculture. Hair is one of the best ways to customize your appearance: cut, color, and style are all options. If you choose long hair, make sure you understand that long hair is a hobby; it takes tons of time and effort to maintain. Not to mention the research and trial and error to find products. Especially men who want long hair, make sure you are up for keeping it clean and neat. You will need to still keep it trimmed, learn to part your hair, learn to tie it back neatly, keep it from looking greasy, etc. if it’s thinning, it’s more flattering to keep it short. if you have curls you will need to learn different techniques that take even more time and effort. Same with vivid colors: they take so much time and money to maintain. Go for it if you have taken time to understand the upkeep.
For clothing, any style works. If you have zero idea how to build a wardrobe choose one dark neutral (black, charcoal grey, navy, or chocolate brown), choose one light neutral (white, ivory, light grey, beige), and one medium neutral (olive green, khaki, camel, mid grey, rust, beige). Only choose one of each and preferably ones that look nice on you. From now on only buy clothes in these shades. Focus on getting your basic covered before you choose colors: tshirts, sweaters, sweatshirts jeans, slacks, jacket, coat. There are so many options and it’s a great opportunity to get to know yourself. Do you like graphic Ts or plain? V neck or crew? Do you like sweatshirts that zip? Do you like hoods? For sweaters: turtlenecks, cardigans, pullovers, or quarter zips? Wool coats or puffers? Leather or denim jackets? Enjoy each detail you learn about yourself. Once your basics are covered, choose two colors. Then try to only get stuff in those colors. My pallet when I was blonde was: black, ivory, and beige with red or blush pink. Now that I’m my natural color it’s: navy, grey, ivory with sky blue or forest green. By putting limiting your colors, everything matches and you always look put together. Accessories are where your personality can really shine: loud sneakers, big belt buckles, unique watches, rings, necklaces, hats or caps, scarves, bags. There are so many ways to express yourself. Keep your accessories to your chosen colors at first. Once you have figured out your style and built up a wardrobe that works, you can add more colors and pizazz.