Hello. First time posting here. I’ll get straight to it. I (36F) have been with my husband (41M) for almost 8 years - married for 4 & a half years. His family have never liked me. They never knew me at all or ever spoke to me or included our son (5) in their lives. It was made abundantly clear that they didn’t approve of me but I never knew why. Until a couple of months ago I had only met MIL (she’s nice) and I had never met his dad before he died earlier this year. FIL refused to ever meet me and would not accept our son as his grandchild. That changed last summer. All of a sudden he wanted to meet us. I allowed our son to meet him but I didn’t want to. Too much water under the bridge for me. Our son and FIL had a short lived relationship but a close one. He got to know FIL over 8 months before he died. I had gotten to meet my husband’s family at FILs funeral. Husband and I organised all of FILs affairs and had to get a loan from my mum to pay for the funeral. None of his family offered any help or thanks. They were standoffish with me. After talking to one of his nicer relatives I discovered why FIL and the family hated me so much. Husband’s ex. She had told some lies to FIL about me and he believed them. It was enough to make him despise me and by extension my son. She told him that I had “stolen” husband away from her and their daughter, that he was an adulterer. It’s simply not true. Sometimes I wish it was just so all the nonsense that I’ve endured would have been worth it. Ex also told FIL that husband wasn’t paying any child maintenance/support so FIL gave her money regularly. My husband pays almost £230 per month in support btw. Always has done. FIL found this out last summer. He cut her off and that prompted him to want to have a relationship with me & our son. As a direct consequence of her lies my son missed out on years with his grandfather. I hate her for it. But I discovered that SHE is in fact a cheater. She has been with her BF for 5 years now. However. The first 4 years of their relationship she was his side piece. He was engaged to another woman which he lived with. Ex knew. She knew he was in a relationship but carried on seeing him. Inevitably his fiancée found out about ex and the other women he was cheating with and broke up with him. They have been in a legit relationship now for just over a year. Ex is LITERALLY a home wrecker. After years of husband’s family thinking I was capable of being that kind of woman it turns out that she (who is ever so loved and adored by husband’s family) is a very bad person. To add insult to injury, ex told husband’s daughter (14F) the same lies she told FIL and daughter believes her and it did cause issues for a while between husband and daughter. I want to tell his whole family the truth about her and just destroy her. Let people see who she really is. AITA for wanting to do this?

TL:DR I need advice to assist with mentally recovering from toxic ex.
She was just a very toxic manipulative liar. We were together not long maybe 4 months and I ended it after she told me i dont show her enough attention the same day we both got home from my nanas funeral. To put things into perspective I let her move in with me after only dating her for a few weeks to get her away from her mum as they dont get along, she didnt have a job so I paid for everything, I never hung out with anyone else because she wanted all my spare time, I would spend both my entire days off with her and stay up til 2am watching things with her when I start work at 6am the next day, I unfollowed every girl on insta for her and she still told me i wasnt doing the bare minimum. She was a chronic liar that had a history of cheating, which she tried to hide, and literally blackmailed me into dating her. Unfortunately at the time I was too kind and felt sorry for her so I started dating her with an “I can fix her” mentality 🤦‍♂️.And when i dumped her she told me if i dump her shell kill herself (its been 6 months since and she hasnt lol). Anyways theres a lot more to it but thats just some context. I just really need some advice on how i should proceed with my romantic life. I dont miss her at all anymore as it was 6 months ago, but i feel no desire for or attraction towards girls anymore romantically. I really need help because she really has ruined my perception on relationships and dating and I don’t want the damage to be permanent.

https://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/sunday-life/news/too-little-too-late-nurse-not-allowed-in-roselawn-with-her-mums-coffin-rejects-michelle-oneills-apology-over-bobby-storey-funeral/a1027476041.html
A Lisburn nurse left standing at the gate as her mother’s coffin was taken into Roselawn Cemetery on the same day as Bobby Storey‘s funeral has said Michelle O’Neill’s apology “means nothing” to her.
Lynn Paul was speaking after the first minister followed other Sinn Fein ministers in saying sorry for attending the funeral of the former senior IRA man during the height of lockdown, when other families were prevented from saying a final goodbye to their relatives.
The hearse carrying her 78-year-old mother Evelyn McMullen made its way in through the gates of Roselawn at noon on June 30, 2020.
Evelyn McMullen passed away aged 78
An undertaker had told Ms Paul she would not be allowed to enter the grounds of the council-run crematorium because of Covid regulations.
Yet just before 4pm, a number of mourners gathered inside Roselawn for the cremation of Storey.
Before that, thousands had walked behind his coffin and lined the streets of west Belfast, including several Sinn Fein ministers.
Among them was Ms O’Neill, who apologised for her attendance at the funeral in front of the Covid Inquiry on Tuesday.
She said she was sorry “from the bottom of her heart” for the hurt her attendance caused to the families of people who had died from the virus, adding she ought to have realised the anger going to the funeral would have caused.
Ms Paul and her family have spent nearly four years coming to terms with what happened at her mother’s funeral.
She joined her husband Leonard and children Robert, Neil and Jonathan in the car behind the hearse carrying her mother’s body for the journey to Belfast.
“I wanted to follow her. I didn’t want to let her go,” Ms Paul said.
“We got to the crematorium and two fellas opened the gate to let the hearse in, then closed the gates and we couldn’t go in.”
Michelle O'Neill at the Covid Inquiry
She has already received an apology from Belfast City Council over how her mother’s funeral was handled, but that does not change the feelings of hurt she will always carry with her.
“Michelle O’Neill had a duty as a minister to lead by example and didn’t. In fact, she did the complete opposite,” said Ms Paul.
She also noted that the first minister had previously said she would never apologise for going to the funeral of a friend.
“I have never forgotten those words,” Ms Paul said.
“Michelle O’Neill is an educated woman who well knew that attending the funeral of Bobby Storey would cause outrage and hurt.
“She stated at the Covid Inquiry that she attended a funeral and walked in a cortege of 30 while abiding by social distancing rules, but footage exists of her shaking hands and sharing photos with various members of the public in not one but two cemeteries that she attended.
“(This happened) at the height of a worldwide pandemic that had us social distancing and unable to visit our families, one which saw thousands of families lose loved ones.”
Bobby Storey
Michelle O’Neill’s apology won’t be welcomed by all Devastating examination of Michelle O’Neill leaves her flapping – and shows her evidence was misleading Bobby Storey funeral ‘wrong’ and strengthened case of those wanting to break rules, says ex-PSNI chief
A week after the funeral, Belfast City Council indicated 30 people had attended Storey’s cremation, although others have put the figure higher, and republican stewards replaced some council staff.
“I worked on the front line as a nurse, doing the most difficult job while caring for my mother, who had cancer and was confined to her home for over three months before she passed away, with only myself and my brother with her,” Ms Paul said.
“She couldn’t see her grandchildren nor enjoy her last few months of life with family.
“When she died, we couldn’t bring her home to be mourned. We were told we couldn’t have a proper cremation, that her coffin couldn’t be carried to show respect for a woman who raised us to be decent people, and finally, to leave her at the gates of a council cemetery to make her final journey alone.
“(This was) a cemetery which accommodated a service attended by many well-known people not three hours later. Honestly, it all stinks to high hell.
“Michelle O’Neill’s hypocritical sorry means nothing to myself nor my family. She set the rules and then she bent the rules. I have no respect for her and it’s all too little, too late.
“I don’t accept (her apology) and I will never believe it. All it has done is opened old wounds and brought back terribly sad memories. It’s hard to deal with and it always will be.”

My ex and I had a very messy 1 year relationship. He was incredibly narcissistic and toxic, he made me distance myself from my family and was very selfish. He also cheated on me many times with his ex. He was also a relationship hopper who did not love himself and did not know how to be alone. I tried to help him many times and took him to therapy but he just did not want help.
Despite all of this, he helped me understand my depression and he made good music that really helped me heal.
The last time he cheated on me was with someone much younger who he met on tinder. I left and never looked back. I blocked him on everything and despite doing this before, we could never keep no contact. But this time I was determined to do so. It was incredibly hard because I cared so deeply for this person and it hurt knowing he was with someone else. They moved in together after 2 weeks and this is when I cut ties.
It took me a good 8 months to forget he existed.
3 years later.. out of the blue, I get an email from him asking if we could speak. I didn’t really want to as I know how manipulative he can be and my friends all told me no, but something in my heart was telling me this was different.
I was SHOCKED he reached out because he has an ego the size of Texas and so I never expected him to contact me.
Something seemed so off.. He called me crying (something he never did) and he apologized for everything he put me through and tells me that I was the only person who truly accepted him for who he was and his deepest regret was treating me the way he did blah blah I didn’t take too much of it to heart as I know how manipulative he can be.
Regardless, I told him I forgave him a long time ago as I truly don’t hold space in my heart for hate or resentment and that I just hope he is now being a better person to others.
We planned to meet face to face a couple of days later.
The day came and he never showed, I texted him but he never replied. I got a call that same day from him at stupid o’clock but I was so mad that he stood me up, so I didn’t answer. I couldn’t believe I was made a fool once again and I fell for his antics.
Well, little did I know that he passed away that night. His pain and regret for the things he did was too much for him to face.
As I spent the next couple of years grieving him, I learned that I actually loved and cared for him more than I thought I did and so did he. At his funeral, I had the chance to speak to his mother who always supported us and who also tried to help him to change. She told me that they did have to go through all of his things with the police, including his phone and computers. I was shocked to hear about how many songs, poems and messages expressing his love and regret. I never thought he actually cared about me at all.
This taught me that you should never underestimate the hole your absence will leave in someone’s life. However, you must give them space to miss you. Sadly, men only learn value via losing.
On the other side, protect your peace, guard your heart and forgive yourself. Apologize to them if you need to, cry if you need to and let it go.
His family kindly allowed his demos to be uploaded onto Spotify for me and his friends to listen to.
If you’re ever wondering if he misses you, of course he does but people miss people dead or alive, it’s nothing new.
Whoever you meet, always try to leave them better than how you found them - and I don’t mean baby them or try and change them - what I mean is, SHOW them, using your actions, how people SHOULD be. No matter how bad of a person they are, always be kind, always be patient, always forgive (but you don’t need to forget) - you may ask why, as some people really don’t deserve it, but please understand that you might be the closest thing to love someone will ever experience.
I hope this made sense ❤️

So this is a long post regarding SIL and going no contact
30th of November my 8 year old daughter was taken to hospital due to low oxygen due to a cold while in there she deteriorated quite extreme and ended up being transferred to a bigger hospital put on life support and unfortunately lost her life.
My daughter was three years old when I got with my partner and his parents have called themselves nanny and grandad since she was about 4 years old and treated her as a grandchild so regardless of DNA they are her grandparents however sister-in-law has always treated her like an outcast along with my older daughter that’s 13 and me and my partner have a three year old together but auntie is overbearing with him to the point my son cries every time she’s near him.
When my daughter was in hospital, my son was two,I’m still nursing to sleep so the hospital was happy to have him with me as he’s extremely clingy mummies boy. While my daughter was in hospital sister-in-law would message me asking how daughter was and offering to have my son that is extremely uncomfortable around her then when I politely declined her having my son but then would explain how my daughter was she would leave me on read because she didn’t get the answer she wanted rather than replying how my daughter was,then would message me the same thing practically the next day this went on for five days that we was in hospital where she offered to have my son then the message explaining how my daughter was doing which unfortunately was not doing well.
on the 5th of December, my daughter unfortunately passed away. I was with her and as you can imagine this destroyed me. Sister-in-law messaged me saying sorry for your loss blah blah blah nothing wrong with that part. Then it come to News getting around the town that my daughter had passed so I was receiving lots of messages on social media about my daughter so I just put a post up explaining what happened and then logged out of Facebook and stayed off social media for about a week. In that week SIL posted about how heartbroken she was that her niece had passed blah blah blah proper attention post considering she never once called my daughter niece in the whole time she was alive and was really milking social media.
When I did go back on I noticed she had done like five different posts about how heartbroken she was About my daughters passing bear in mind she never called her niece before in her whole life. For the sake of the family I didn’t bring it up plus I wasn’t sure if I’ve been extra sensitive due to grief
there was an autopsy performed because because they didn’t know exactly what happened since she had a common cold but unfortunately that virus attacked her heart so myocarditis was the reason, because everything had happened in December everything had been prolonged because the Christmas and New Year’s period.
my daughter didn’t get to the funeral directors until the 4th of January, I went to see my daughter on the 5th of January and asked my sister to watch my son for the first time ever my sister had watched my son and I’m not going to go into detail but my daughter had been passed for a month so as you can imagine seeing my daughter, she wasn’t in the best of ways, she didn’t look like herself and the best way to describe it is she was dead dead this really torn me up and I still have flashbacks to how she looked.
my partner receives a crappy message from his sister because it’s not fair that my sister got to watch Hunter and how this isn’t fair on her, she should’ve watched him which had actually shocked me that she would do that but it was the first ever time that my sister watched our son and given the situation that we had just gone to see my daughter‘s body who’s no longer with us I was extremely shocked that she could be that insensitive and entitled. I told partner I just couldn’t be around her for a little while. I won’t say anything to her. I’ll just avoid her to keep the peace then came January 15th that was my daughters funeral again obviously not an easy day. No parent should ever have to be planning a funeral for their child who was eight years old with her whole life ahead of her so not the best of days but his sister came she was nice on the day, no problems with her on that particular day the first thing she did when she got home was post pictures that she had taken and you know how hard it is blah blah blah on social media again for likes but I didn’t say anything. she asked if we could go round to her house, she still lives with her mum and dad and her partner and two children. she wanted us to go round there so me thinking maybe you know it’s it’s just checking in on us because of we’ve lost my a child but what it actually was was for her to give her personalised card and Teddy and a big amount of fuss to mine and my partners son asking him to be pageboy at her wedding , now this wedding is May 2026 so the fact that she needed to do it two days after my daughters funeral, didn’t sit right and that was when I actually finally had enough and I had to walk out because I could not sit through watching her try everything just to bring attention back on herself literally two days after we buried my daughter.
I didn’t hear from her at all and February comes my eldest daughter was 13 on the 22nd of February again no text nothing from sister-in-law then February 23 was my son’s third birthday my sister and my nieces and nephews came over. My partner Mum and Dad came over and they had brought my niece and nephew from that side of the family too so nobody mentioned anything about my sister-in-law so I assumed she wasn’t coming and was thankful for that then just as I’m about to do the cake I get told no wait for sister-in-law because she is coming. She didn’t even bother to let me know so then she gets there gives my son his presents and he’s got a lot more presents than usual and a voucher all fine. I do the cake and then they say it was lovely and leave then My daughter asked me if I could message my partners mum and dad to say thank you for her card and money as her birthday was the day before but being older she spent it with friends at the cinema so I stupidly said what did my partner sister get you assuming she would have got her a card at least even just a happy birthday but no she didn’t even say happy birthday to my daughter or hello so my daughter still getting the same treatment my other daughter got through life but then apparently was a niece once she died.
Then I noticed the post that sister-in-law had tagged me in about my son‘s birthday tag removed and the tag in my daughter’s funeral had also been removed and I was like okay then? But I’m not in the right mindset for drama so I just thought I’ll just remove as a friend on social media problems solved rather than this petty removing tag stuff,
within five minutes of me removing her straight away calling me a bitch and asking what my problem was with her so I explained from start to finish what my problem was with her and I explained that I don’t expect her to treat my oldest as her niece but I do expect her to at least say happy birthday to her and acknowledge that she is also human to which she replied that my daughter isn’t family so she will not be doing that and that she wasn’t using my other daughter for likes she would never do that even though she’s always been about attention and I snapped at that point and explained to her that if she can’t treat my children fairly on their birthdays then I don’t want her around on either of their birthdays to which my partner has hundred percent agreed with me, especially as I treat her two children exactly the same as my sister‘s children and class them as my nieces and nephews so that was how it was left
until she then messaged my partner explaining she is disgusted that I could say that she was using my daughter for likes when she would never do that and that she would never try and bring attention back to her the reason she picked two days after my daughters funeral for wedding stuff was because she was doing it for friends that lived far away too not that friends was there or anything so that was invalid. my partner then explained to her that there was no issue with her doing it for friends but it was not an acceptable time to do it when we have just lost a child.
I have decided to go no contact because I cannot bear to be anywhere near this woman and she has now messaged my partner moaning that she hasn’t seen my son for well since his birthday my partner has explained that I have gone no contact and that he agrees that if she can’t treat my children fairly, she doesn’t get to be around either of them so we have in fact taken the kids no contact too.
My partner has backed me. also, just as my daughter passed his sister went and like all of my Instagram posts with my daughter in from the last 5 years and commented on them about her beautiful niece even though she never liked her picture with my daughter and before this point. She also posted on New Year’s Eve about new chapter and how this was the best year of our life because she got engaged bare in mind that two weeks before that she was so heartbroken my daughter died but suddenly it was the best year ever. There’s a few more things she did but if I type them all I’ll be here all day.
Am I wrong for cutting contact because I’m in the middle grief? I have to second-guess everything in case it’s grief but I just feel the disrespect and entitlement that she has shown since the loss of my daughter is quite frankly something that I never want to be around because I could not imagine being that way to anyone that has just lost a child. But am I right for these feelings and cutting her from my son’s life? Can I have honest opinions please

I'm 25 now and between the ages of 17-23 I lost both of my parents, 3 out of 4 of my siblings, 1 aunt and 2 uncles. All of these were unrelated but because of this I hate going to funerals. I will attend if it is close family member or friend but would rather not attend otherwise.
My girlfriends best friend recently lost her mum and my girlfriend has been trying to support her. The funeral is next week and my girlfriend said she was going to go to support her friend. She asked if I would attend with her but I apologised and said I would rather not. She knows why I don't like funerals so I remined her but she still asked again. She said it would mean a lot and that she doesn't want to go on her own.
I refused again and suggested she take another friend but she said she wanted me there. I said it's awful what has happened to her friend but I can't go to the funeral. She said I was being unsupportive and it'll only be an hour or two out of the day but I just repeated again that I'm not going and she knows why.
She just said again that I was unsupportive and that I should be there with her.
AITAH for refusing to go to the funeral?

I'm 25 now and between the ages of 17-23 I lost both of my parents, 3 out of 4 of my siblings, 1 aunt and 2 uncles. All of these were unrelated but because of this I hate going to funerals. I will attend if it is close family member or friend but would rather not attend otherwise.
My girlfriends best friend recently lost her mum and my girlfriend has been trying to support her. The funeral is next week and my girlfriend said she was going to go to support her friend.
She asked if I would attend with her but I apologised and said I would rather not. She knows why I don't like funerals so I remined her but she still asked again. She said it would mean a lot and that she doesn't want to go on her own.
I refused again and suggested she take another friend but she said she wanted me there. I said it's awful what has happened to her friend but I can't go to the funeral. She said I was being unsupportive and it'll only be an hour or two out of the day but I just repeated again that I'm not going and she knows why.
She just said again that I was unsupportive and that I should be there with her.
AITAH for refusing to go to the funeral?

I don’t know if this is the appropriate place to post this put in begging for help. My Nan passed earlier this week. Her funeral was live streamed on Facebook by our church for our family that could not make it. The live stream was supposed to be up for 30 days but is now gone. I so desperately wanted this video saved permanently and thought I had time to do so. Her service was filled with many of her favourite songs, poem and bible verses. I would appreciate if anyone knows any way to recover a delete facebook live to please let me know what to do.

TW FOR SH, ED, S*ICIDE. this is gonna be long i’m sorry. life’s been so rough lately. i’ve always struggled mentally, mainly depression or anxiety but have a whole shit load of other stuff going on as well. since i was young i’ve struggled with psychosis, mood swings, anger, anxiety and relationship problems. i’ve been in and out of hospital, drs appointments, many different mental health agencies or counsellors. i’m 20 now and when i turned 18 i discharged myself from camhs because i thought i was “better”. sometimes i think how stupid of me but then i remember how much they stalled my care. telling me they’d get me appointments with the psychiatrist and then forgetting about it. it took 5 attempts for them to even wanna hear what i had to say. i had a bad eating disorder when i was 16-18 and after the treatment team for that discharged me for trying to reschedule my appointment i took matters into my own hands and recovered on my own. but anyway, i haven’t had any support for my mental health for just over 2 years now. i went to uni at 18, lasted a month before i took a leave of absence for my mental health. i got a job at mcdonald’s just after i turned 18, am still there. it’s not a bad job. it’s highly stressful but it’s easy enough to pick up shifts, give them away and it’s very good money for what it is. i don’t even know where to start. i was groomed online when i was younger. it lasted years. it’s the one thing i’ve never been able to fully tell anyone about. anytime i even think about trying to remember all the details my mind blocks it out. i experienced my whole family fall out. physical fights between my parents where i had to try and drag them off each other. being kicked out with nothing but a bin bag full of my stuff and being left outside the nearest police station in the middle of the night. arguments with my parents daily because they’ll never love me for who i am. i’ve been out as a trans guy for about 8 years now, been on T since last year and still look in the mirror to see a girl staring back at me. i know my parents love me but they’ll never love the real me and it hurts me everyday. my grandparents both had dementia/alzheimers. my grandma had alzheimer’s for quite a few years and my grandad suffered a stroke during covid and got diagnosed with vascular dementia afterwards. my mum cared for them and this obviously strained our family life from all the stress. november last year my grandma died. my mum told me a couple days before that she wasn’t going to be around much longer and offered to take me to visit her one last time and i refused as i was “too busy” with work and uni. she died not long after. it was the first real death i’d experienced and i thought i coped well. we didn’t tell my grandad straight away as his dementia had progressed to the point where he wouldn’t remember she had died anyway and it would be unnecessary pain. the plan was to tell him in a few weeks, take him out the care home to my aunts house and tell him once, and if he ever asked where she was after that we would tell him she was sleeping. we never got the chance to tell him. before he even found out he died. 2 days after my grandma. i woke up for work at 4:30am. got dressed and went downstairs to leave. my mum told me the news and i cried. it was too late to call into work so i went in but lasted a couple of hours before i asked to leave. i took a few days off work, got an extension on my uni assignment and took some time to grieve. i didn’t fully accept it until the funeral. i played my violin at the funeral alongside my sisters and it was a beautiful ceremony. i haven’t been the same since they’ve been gone. we weren’t super close, but i saw them quite a bit growing up and they were my grandparents. i loved them a lot. part of me is glad they aren’t in pain anymore as dementia is an awful disease but i just remember the times i had with them before it all happened and it’s so crazy to think about them actually being well. i became depressed again and booked a drs appointment in january where i got prescribed sertraline. the day i started sertraline was the most amazing day of my life. 4 hours after i took it i felt happy. something i hadn’t truly felt in a long time. i was in shock it had worked so quick. the next 2 weeks were amazing. i was going out with friends every day and night, new ideas everyday. full of motivation and full of life. i truly enjoyed living. i’d never felt that way before. however it started becoming unstable, i was spending a lot of money, taking spontaneous trips far away, driving way too fast, drinking every day and doing drugs. planning expensive holidays to far away countries. getting myself into a lease for a flat, putting stuff somewhere and 2 seconds later having no clue where it was. then came the psychosis again, i remember the worst night of my life. driving my friend home at 2:30am after freaking out in the pub because i thought i could see everyone’s true intentions. i thought everyone was staring at me. i could hear everyone’s evil intentions and was convinced everyone wanted to hurt me and my friend. i was hearing voices and seeing shapes. everything was morphing into one another. the drive home was the scariest thing i’ve ever done. that was february. the whole of march was filled with dissociation. i don’t remember anything from that month other than the feeling i was watching myself from above. every waking moment i felt completely out of control and i had no clue what i was doing most of the time. i didn’t know who i was or what was happening around me. i stopped taking my sertraline around that time as i realized that even though i had felt good i had started to ruin my life. i stopped taking my T as i’ve had complications with my prescription and that just made me even worse mentally. i tried to start taking my sertraline a few times after i started feeling more stable. i never got that original feeling back. even though i know it wasn’t a healthy way to feel it just felt so good to be happy for a bit. the last few weeks i’ve spiralled into the worst depressive episode of my life. i’ve called in sick to work around 20 times since the start of this year. handed in most of my uni assignments late. barely seen my family or friends. i don’t enjoy anything anymore. i have another dr appointment coming up and i also signed myself up for therapy again but i just don’t know how i’m going to get through the next few weeks waiting for it. i’ve cried on all of my last shifts at work. tonight i had to go and sit on the bench outside and just cry for a bit. a young guy around my age saw me and asked if i was okay. i said yeah and he asked if i wanted a hug, and he came over and held me as i cried in his arms for a solid couple of minutes. after, he sat next to me and spoke for about ten minutes about life. he hugged me again and i went back into work and cried in the office for another ten minutes. i just can’t cope with anything at the moment. i need some time off work because i mentally cannot cope with being there at the moment but i need the money. i have my first instalment of rent coming up, my car insurance, my MOT, family holiday. all in all i’m needing around 12k to save up over the next year. but i just walk around with this pit in my chest every day. no enjoyment out of life, no happiness. i love my best friend and i love my family but i don’t feel like anything is enough to make me want to stay here anymore. i just feel so dumb. i thought i was getting better. it always comes back. this is my life. the constant cycle of feeling bad then feeling good. knowing that regardless of how good i feel i’m gonna crash again afterwards. i just don’t know what to do anymore i feel so done with life and i don’t want to do it but i don’t know what to do.

I have Bipolar, mild ADHD, and ASD as well. My younger sister had bouts of seasonal disorder, which made her take meds temporarily. I thought she was cleared out of meds. Yesterday, after they had returned from funeral, mum told me that she is taking antidepressants because of me.
My sister has had a hard time because of me for the past 4 months. There were the incident of crazy overspending, and since I am yet to take jobs(I graduated late), I begged for some money from my family. My sister is quite active in helping me financially if it's related to my symptoms and medications.
She is very much sensible, clever, and she has strong emotions. It's her that gives me advice on my how I should live and how I should treat other people and be treated by others(especially when I was misjudged as Asperger's syndrome. Still this hold true..). My father has come home since I we were 14 years old, despite the fact that he really cares for us and my sister works in his company. It's no wonder why Mum and I rely no her. I guess that posed as a great burden for her.
I talk like senselessly, not knowing it would make my family uncomfortable... I got better and better but.. My sister actually liked the fact that I could logically able to tell her the reasons why I did wrong at one occasion(it was related with my wishing to spend on something when I didn't have money) because she demanded them. She could be quite bossy but motherly, you know. But I couldn't even list them up before meds and that made her frustrated and furious.... even from this episode, you'll know how much of a failure I am.
Anyway, this all looks terrible when written down. I don't know what to do. I would surely be getting jobs and financial independence, but I somehow know that that's not a fundamental solution to all. What do you think I should do? How could I change for the better? I'm so sorry for my younger sister for her burden and don't want her to suffer until I die. She's a good sister who genuinely wishes to adorn me so that she can take me to the Spring flower festival with her.

She's 85. Her daughter (my mum) recently died (January 26th).
I visited her today. She kept calling me by mum's name. I didn't know if I should correct her not. At first I didn't know she had dementia, just memory issues. Then she didn't remember that my mum had died. She forgot she was there with us at the hospital, that she was at the funeral. She got upset at my aunt for not telling her my mum had died.
How do we navigate this as a family who are still grieving?
Could me looking like my mum cause her distress in the future?

I, 21M, am a well passing trans man. I'm tall, relatively muscular, short hair and just overall guy-looking. My Grandma passed away recently, and had Alzheimers for quite some time before she died. She often used to not recognise me or ask my mum where [my deadname] was when I was right there. She would sometimes say she'd love to see me again and it was overall painful for the whole family. Before I came out gran used to love picking out dresses for me, and afterwards she moved onto suits.
But when she started forgetting stuff she kept talking about what kind of dresses I like now, what she should get for me, etc. The funeral's next week and I mentioned that I would probably wear the last suit she got for me which was black and a vest just for extra blackness. My cousin looked at me like I'd just said the most ridiculous thing on the planet and she said, 'no, gran would have wanted to see you in a dress' and how I could disrespect her very wishes on such an occasion and what an asshole I am for putting my needs over hers when its her funeral.
I didn't quite know how to respond to that and luckily I was saved by her kids who started making a mess so she went after them. I frankly, think she's being fucking ridiculous. I couldn't pass as a girl if I tried anymore, much less fit into one of my old dresses. I think it would be utterly disrespectful if I showed up in a dress, it would look far too ridiculous/comical for a funeral.
I'm 99.99999999999999% sure I'm not the asshole. I'm genuinely just no longer the build to be in a dress, I'm a grown man, it would be a joke. But just in case I'm missing something, AITA? I don't want to disrespect gran at the funeral but I really think wearing a dress would be more disrespectful.

People wonder how poets are born,
But to form a sweet prophet in a womb
would likely bring nothing but gloom
Rather, we are molded in a time of great mourning
In a black and white dress, surrounded by death
My first funeral was at age five,
my Great Grandmother whom I loved for as long as I was alive
I asked my aunt why would God kill someone we love?
With the ocean in her eyes, She says it's his plan from up above
I cry as I look down upon her cold face
wishing once more for GG’s warm embrace
she whispered great pearls of wisdom in my ears for no one else to hear
but all of that has faded away now,
I beg her to repeat them but that is not something death allows
My cousin calls me Rain as we listen to the pastor and his proses
we sulk in sunny summer cemeteries Surrounded by Ruth’s roses,
Reminicant of her costume rubies,
I remember she said I would bloom into a great beauty
Salt slicks my fawn face as she’s lowered into her final resting place
by age eleven I no longer believe in God’s great heaven
Seven Tragic Family Messes
Seven little black and white dresses
Seven wakes I wanted to sleep through
My Family being taken from me isn't brand new
My first poem was a eulogy
I spoke it wearing GG’s jewelry

AITA
So this is a long post regarding SIL and going no contact
30th of November my 8 year old daughter was taken to hospital due to low oxygen due to a cold while in there she deteriorated quite extreme and ended up being transferred to a bigger hospital put on life support and unfortunately lost her life. My daughter was three years old when I got with my partner and his parents have called themselves nanny and grandad since she was about 4 years old and treated her as a grandchild so regardless of DNA they are her grandparents however sister-in-law has always treated her like an outcast along with my older daughter that’s 13 and me and my partner have a three year old together but auntie is overbearing with him to the point my son cries every time she’s near him. When my daughter was in hospital, my son was two I’m still nursing to sleep so the hospital was happy to have him with me as he’s extremely clingy mummies boy. While my daughter was in hospital sister-in-law would message me asking how daughter was and offering to have my son that is extremely uncomfortable around her then when I politely declined her having my son but then would explain how my daughter was she would leave me on read because she didn’t get the answer she wanted rather than replying how my daughter was and then would message me the same thing practically the next day this went on for five days that we was in hospital where she offered to have my son then the message explaining how my daughter was doing which unfortunately was not doing well. Then on the 5th of December, my daughter unfortunately passed away. I was with her and as you can imagine this destroyed me. Sister-in-law messaged me saying sorry for your loss blah blah blah nothing wrong with that part. Then it come to News getting around the town that my daughter had passed so I was receiving lots of messages on social media about my daughter so I just put a post up explaining what happened and then logged out of Facebook and stayed off social media for about a week. SIL posted about how heartbroken she was that her niece had passed blah blah blah proper attention post considering she never called my daughter niece in the whole time she was alive and was really milking social media. When I did go back on I noticed she had done like five different posts about how heartbroken she was About my daughters passing bare in mind she never called her niece before in her whole life. For the family I didn’t bring it up plus I wasn’t sure if I’ve been extra sensitive due to grief there was an autopsy performed because it had happened in December. Everything could been prolonged because the Christmas and New Year’s period so my daughter didn’t get to the funeral directors until the 4th of January, so I went to see my daughter on the 5th of January and asked my sister to watch my son in the first time ever my sister had watched my son and I’m not going to go into detail but my daughter had been passed for a month so as you can imagine seeing my daughter, she wasn’t in the best of way, she didn’t look like her and the best way to describe it is she was dead dead really torn me up and I still have flashbacks to how she looked. my partner receives a crappy message from his sister because it’s not fair that my sister got to watch Hunter and how this isn’t fair on her, she should’ve watched him which had actually shocked me that she would do that but it was the first ever time that my sister watched our son and given the situation that we had just gone to see my daughter‘s body who’s no longer with us I was extremely shocked that she could be that insensitive and entitled. I told partner I just didn’t wanna be around her for a little while. I won’t say anything to her. I’ll just avoid her to keep the peace then came January 15th that was my daughters funeral again obviously not an easy day. No parent should ever have to be planning a funeral for their child who was eight years old with her whole life ahead of her so not the best of days but his sister came she was nice on the day, no problems with her on that particular day the first thing did when she got home was post pictures that she had taken and you know how hard it is blah blah blah on social media again for like but I didn’t say anything she asked if we could go round to her house, she still lives with her mum and dad and children. she wanted us to go round there so me thinking maybe you know it’s it’s just checking in on us because of we’ve lost my a child but what it actually was was for her to give her personalised card and Teddy and a big amount of fuss to mine and my partners son asking him to be pageboy at her wedding , now this wedding is May 2026 so the fact that she needed to do it two days after my daughters funeral, didn’t sit right and that was when I actually finally had enough and I had to walk out because I could not sit through watching her try everything just to bring attention back on herself literally two days after we buried my daughter. So I didn’t hear from her at all and February comes my eldest daughter was 13 on the 22nd of February again no text nothing from sister-in-law then February 23 was my son’s third birthday my sister and my nieces and nephews came over. My partner Mum and Dad came over and they had brought my niece and nephew from that side of the family too so nobody mentioned anything about my sister-in-law so I assumed she wasn’t coming and was thankful for that then just as I’m about to do the cake I get told no wait for sister-in-law because she is coming. She didn’t even bother to let me know so then she gets there gives my son his presents and he’s got a lot more presents than usual and a £50 voucher all fine. I do the cake and then they say it was lovely and leave then My daughter asked me if I could message my partners mum and dad to say thank you for her card and money as her birthday was the day before but being older she spent it with friends at the cinema so I stupidly said what did my partner sister get you assuming she would have got her a card at least even just a happy birthday but no she didn’t even say happy birthday to my daughter or hello so my daughter still getting the same treatment my other daughter got through life but then apparently, was a niece once she died. Then I noticed the post that sister-in-law had tagged me in about my son‘s birthday tag removed and the tag in my daughters funeral had also been removed and I was like okay then? But I’m not in the right mindset for drama so I just thought I’ll just remove as a friend on social media problems solved rather than this petty removing tag stuff, within five minutes of me removing her straight away calling me a bitch and asking what my problem was with her so I explained from start to finish what my problem was with her and I explained that I don’t expect her to treat my oldest as her niece but I do expect her to at least say happy birthday to her and acknowledge that she is also human to which she replied that my daughter isn’t family so she will not be doing that and that she wasn’t using my other daughter for likes she would never do that even though she’s always been about attention and I snapped at that point and explained to her that if she can’t treat my children fairly on their birthdays then I don’t want her around on either of their birthdays to which my partner has hundred percent agreed with me, especially as I treat her two children exactly the same as my sister‘s children and class them as my nieces and nephews so that was how it was left until she then messaged my partner explaining she is disgusted that I could say that she was using my daughter for likes when she would never do that and that she would never try and bring attention back to her the reason she picked two days after my daughters funeral for wedding stuff was because she was doing it for friends that lived far away too not that friends was there or anything so that was invalid. my partner then explained to her that there was no issue with her doing it for friends but it was not an acceptable time to do it when we have just lost a child. I have decided to go no contact because I cannot bear to be anywhere near this woman and she has now messaged my partner moaning that she hasn’t seen my son for well since his birthday my partner has explained that I have gone no contact and that he agrees that if she can’t treat my children fairly, she doesn’t get to be around either of them so we have in fact taken the kids no contact too. My partner has backed me. also, just as my daughter passed his sister went and like all of my Instagram posts with my daughter in and commented on them about her beautiful niece even though she never liked her picture with my daughter and before this point. She also posted on New Year’s Eve about new chapter and how this was the best year of our life because she got engaged Ben in mind that two weeks before that she was so heartbroken my daughter died but suddenly it was the best year ever. Am I wrong for cutting contact because I’m in the middle grief? I have to second-guess everything in case it’s grief but I just feel the disrespect and entitlement that she has shown since the loss of my daughter is quite frankly something that I never want to be there another human with because I could not imagine being that way to anyone that has just lost a child. But am I right for these feelings? I have honest opinions

So this is a long post regarding SIL and going no contact
30th of November my 8 year old daughter was taken to hospital due to low oxygen due to a cold while in there she deteriorated quite extreme and ended up being transferred to a bigger hospital put on life support and unfortunately lost her life.
My daughter was three years old when I got with my partner and his parents have called themselves nanny and grandad since she was about 4 years old and treated her as a grandchild so regardless of DNA they are her grandparents however sister-in-law has always treated her like an outcast along with my older daughter that’s 13 and me and my partner have a three year old together but auntie is overbearing with him to the point my son cries every time she’s near him.
When my daughter was in hospital, my son was two,I’m still nursing to sleep so the hospital was happy to have him with me as he’s extremely clingy mummies boy. While my daughter was in hospital sister-in-law would message me asking how daughter was and offering to have my son that is extremely uncomfortable around her then when I politely declined her having my son but then would explain how my daughter was she would leave me on read because she didn’t get the answer she wanted rather than replying how my daughter was,then would message me the same thing practically the next day this went on for five days that we was in hospital where she offered to have my son then the message explaining how my daughter was doing which unfortunately was not doing well.
on the 5th of December, my daughter unfortunately passed away. I was with her and as you can imagine this destroyed me. Sister-in-law messaged me saying sorry for your loss blah blah blah nothing wrong with that part. Then it come to News getting around the town that my daughter had passed so I was receiving lots of messages on social media about my daughter so I just put a post up explaining what happened and then logged out of Facebook and stayed off social media for about a week. In that week SIL posted about how heartbroken she was that her niece had passed blah blah blah proper attention post considering she never once called my daughter niece in the whole time she was alive and was really milking social media.
When I did go back on I noticed she had done like five different posts about how heartbroken she was About my daughters passing bear in mind she never called her niece before in her whole life. For the sake of the family I didn’t bring it up plus I wasn’t sure if I’ve been extra sensitive due to grief
there was an autopsy performed because because they didn’t know exactly what happened since she had a common cold but unfortunately that virus attacked her heart so myocarditis was the reason, because everything had happened in December everything had been prolonged because the Christmas and New Year’s period.
my daughter didn’t get to the funeral directors until the 4th of January, I went to see my daughter on the 5th of January and asked my sister to watch my son for the first time ever my sister had watched my son and I’m not going to go into detail but my daughter had been passed for a month so as you can imagine seeing my daughter, she wasn’t in the best of ways, she didn’t look like herself and the best way to describe it is she was dead dead this really torn me up and I still have flashbacks to how she looked.
my partner receives a crappy message from his sister because it’s not fair that my sister got to watch Hunter and how this isn’t fair on her, she should’ve watched him which had actually shocked me that she would do that but it was the first ever time that my sister watched our son and given the situation that we had just gone to see my daughter‘s body who’s no longer with us I was extremely shocked that she could be that insensitive and entitled. I told partner I just couldn’t be around her for a little while. I won’t say anything to her. I’ll just avoid her to keep the peace then came January 15th that was my daughters funeral again obviously not an easy day. No parent should ever have to be planning a funeral for their child who was eight years old with her whole life ahead of her so not the best of days but his sister came she was nice on the day, no problems with her on that particular day the first thing she did when she got home was post pictures that she had taken and you know how hard it is blah blah blah on social media again for likes but I didn’t say anything. she asked if we could go round to her house, she still lives with her mum and dad and her partner and two children. she wanted us to go round there so me thinking maybe you know it’s it’s just checking in on us because of we’ve lost my a child but what it actually was was for her to give her personalised card and Teddy and a big amount of fuss to mine and my partners son asking him to be pageboy at her wedding , now this wedding is May 2026 so the fact that she needed to do it two days after my daughters funeral, didn’t sit right and that was when I actually finally had enough and I had to walk out because I could not sit through watching her try everything just to bring attention back on herself literally two days after we buried my daughter.
I didn’t hear from her at all and February comes my eldest daughter was 13 on the 22nd of February again no text nothing from sister-in-law then February 23 was my son’s third birthday my sister and my nieces and nephews came over. My partner Mum and Dad came over and they had brought my niece and nephew from that side of the family too so nobody mentioned anything about my sister-in-law so I assumed she wasn’t coming and was thankful for that then just as I’m about to do the cake I get told no wait for sister-in-law because she is coming. She didn’t even bother to let me know so then she gets there gives my son his presents and he’s got a lot more presents than usual and a voucher all fine. I do the cake and then they say it was lovely and leave then My daughter asked me if I could message my partners mum and dad to say thank you for her card and money as her birthday was the day before but being older she spent it with friends at the cinema so I stupidly said what did my partner sister get you assuming she would have got her a card at least even just a happy birthday but no she didn’t even say happy birthday to my daughter or hello so my daughter still getting the same treatment my other daughter got through life but then apparently was a niece once she died.
Then I noticed the post that sister-in-law had tagged me in about my son‘s birthday tag removed and the tag in my daughter’s funeral had also been removed and I was like okay then? But I’m not in the right mindset for drama so I just thought I’ll just remove as a friend on social media problems solved rather than this petty removing tag stuff,
within five minutes of me removing her straight away calling me a bitch and asking what my problem was with her so I explained from start to finish what my problem was with her and I explained that I don’t expect her to treat my oldest as her niece but I do expect her to at least say happy birthday to her and acknowledge that she is also human to which she replied that my daughter isn’t family so she will not be doing that and that she wasn’t using my other daughter for likes she would never do that even though she’s always been about attention and I snapped at that point and explained to her that if she can’t treat my children fairly on their birthdays then I don’t want her around on either of their birthdays to which my partner has hundred percent agreed with me, especially as I treat her two children exactly the same as my sister‘s children and class them as my nieces and nephews so that was how it was left
until she then messaged my partner explaining she is disgusted that I could say that she was using my daughter for likes when she would never do that and that she would never try and bring attention back to her the reason she picked two days after my daughters funeral for wedding stuff was because she was doing it for friends that lived far away too not that friends was there or anything so that was invalid. my partner then explained to her that there was no issue with her doing it for friends but it was not an acceptable time to do it when we have just lost a child.
I have decided to go no contact because I cannot bear to be anywhere near this woman and she has now messaged my partner moaning that she hasn’t seen my son for well since his birthday my partner has explained that I have gone no contact and that he agrees that if she can’t treat my children fairly, she doesn’t get to be around either of them so we have in fact taken the kids no contact too.
My partner has backed me. also, just as my daughter passed his sister went and like all of my Instagram posts with my daughter in from the last 5 years and commented on them about her beautiful niece even though she never liked her picture with my daughter and before this point. She also posted on New Year’s Eve about new chapter and how this was the best year of our life because she got engaged bare in mind that two weeks before that she was so heartbroken my daughter died but suddenly it was the best year ever. There’s a few more things she did but if I type them all I’ll be here all day.
Am I wrong for cutting contact because I’m in the middle grief? I have to second-guess everything in case it’s grief but I just feel the disrespect and entitlement that she has shown since the loss of my daughter is quite frankly something that I never want to be around because I could not imagine being that way to anyone that has just lost a child. But am I right for these feelings and cutting her from my son’s life? Can I have honest opinions please

Hi! I’m trying to re-find a poem I came across some time ago. These are the details I think I remember, but it’s entirely possible that they’re not all accurate.
Female author. Published originally in a journal then later in a collection of the author’s poems. Short-ish - maybe ~4 stanzas. I first found it ~20 years ago. It’s written in first person - she runs into an old acquaintance - possibly a former lover - and they catch up. There’s some reference to a death or a funeral - possibly of a parent. They go for a drive together. The image in my mind is along a coastal highway, but I don’t remember if there were words that said that, or that’s just what my mind filled in. They stop somewhere along the way - for gas or drinks or snacks. They stop for the night and I think they sleep together. The poem ends with a great catharsis or a release or letting go. And I’m pretty sure the last line is “… and then the rain.”
I’m likely misremembering some of the details, or filling in imagery from my head that wasn’t explicitly written. But I sure would appreciate any leads. Thanks!

Ok I've been dealing with this for a long while and don't know how else to go forward, and coming to reddit... Might be dumb but at least it's better than the rl advice of "you'll get through this" I'm 19(M), my father (45) and I are not on the best of terms. When he and my mum first had me they were not yet married, some drama in their lives led them to split after they had my younger sister (14) Even before and after my sister's birth I never saw my father as often, he lived in a different country and would only come visit us when December comes around and leave immediately after buying stuff So we kinda nicknamed him "father Christmas"
Skipping a little over a decade later, my mum remarried and has two kids with my now step dad. Around the time my mom was expecting my youngest brother, I had to move in with my dad to get "close" and reconnect. I was always optimistic about giving him a chance and bonding with him. My younger sister was more of on the doubting Thomas side but my mom would always push us to make sure we don't resent him. A question that I know would like to ask to her is WHY WHY WHY!!?
When I went to move in with him it was when he was living in his mother's family house temporarily. At this point it was only her and my aunt (my father's younger sister) When I moved in I got a job in my father's work. And by the time my dad moved in he was with a woman who I'll just call M. A lot of drama happened with the appearance of both me and M.
A little backstory on M is that she is dad's GF of almost 7yrs. She has 2 kids (girls) of her own and they live in this other country. My dad's side of the family doesn't like her for some reason but they make it clear to her by making remarks of if she can handle my dad. Then on me they hate my mum, so much so that ever since I was little they would try making my mum look like a villain and say random stuff about her. My mum wouldn't mind them even though one time when I went to visit them when I was young they tried keeping me for a year or so. So me still loving my mum like a mamas boy has also by default put me on their list but it's like they still try to recruit me in.
After staying with them for 6mths I was ready to commit mass murder becoz they would spread rumors all around about me and still expected me to treat them well, all while my dad never so much as defended me.
Then me and M found out something about my dad. During the 6mths we were all together, my father rented a secret apartment and would invite women there pretending that was his real home. Even filling the place with food and stuff. The number totaled 24 women with some having kids that he would take out for lunch and stuff
I did have my suspiciouns whenever he would go out of work to pick up a "package" and suddenly his fully charged phone would be "low batter" in 20mins. Stuff like that.
After finding out this, all the times he wouldnt have money or "business isn't going well" were just that he would spend hundreds of dollars if not thousands on dates with them and their kids and keeping that secondary house. And I, although having a job, didn't get paid much but it was mainly for passing time. So occasionally asking for money for clothes he would say I had to make my own coz he didn't have any (life's hard😂😭)
I've also tried asking for quality time but that man is "reserved" with his emotions. I believe it's because I'm older now and more conscious of the things he does unlike the kids and his kids he takes out to parks and buys stuff for coz he knows they don't know much yet.
So anyways, we moved out and finally went to his place and I stopped working (per his demand) and started living with him, M, and her girls. We all live in an apartment and it's kinda small but we manage. All was going well until we found out again that my father was having another affair with a baby mama of his. Sorry i forgot to tell you this but while my mom had two kids with my dad (stepdad), my father went on to have 5 KIDS with 4 different women over a span of 7yrs (remember how long M n him were together 👁️👄👁️ IK). And the most recent one that he hooked up with at his brothers funeral is the one I'm talking of now.🤕
But not only her but other women too. At this point M finally had enough and started planning to move out. But my father was always saying he would change and he wants to be together with her and only her.
Until he started hooking up with our upstairs neighbor 👁️👄👁️ So about a month or two ago my father went out and got drunk, when he came back M decided to check his phone and found out that he went out with his buddies and a lady, a lady who lives upstairs. They had been meeting and doing the 🙅🏾‍♂️🙅🏾‍♂️🙅🏾‍♂️ at night by the stairs🤦🏾‍♂️ He would tell the lady that he doesn't live alone coz his friend with kids is living with him and he's just helping her out until she lives. Keep in mind that while telling this lady this he was still talking to funeral baby mama and tell her that once M leaves they will live together with their kid.
So M texted the lady and they met the same night he was drunk and she told her everything and that was also the night I had my first panic attack (don't worry)
So there is more to talk about but my thumbs are aching and I have to go to opticians so let me know what you think.

Hi, clowns! Found lots of connections to an essay Sylvia Plath wrote and TTPD. Lots of info below, but was interesting!
TL; DR Plath’s college thesis paper is all about troubled poets and their “DOUBLES.”
Initial Tortured Poets and Sylvia Plath Connections
Of course, the theme of TTPD is tortured poets, so many avid literary Swifties have enjoyed seeking connections between Swift’s new songs and iconic poetry. No connections are overt, but some seem to be more likely than others. Namely, there’s been much discussion of Virginia Woolf thanks to the song “Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?”(perhaps a riff on the Edward Albee play title). Other Swifties have found possible lyrical links to Mary Shelley and Charlotte Bronte. Swift herself references Patti Smith and Dylan Thomas in the album’s title track.
I remembered a third poet in relation to Smith and Thomas: Sylvia Plath, obviously an all timer of a tortured poet. I remember hearing an anecdote that she had been obsessed with Thomas and stalked him outside the Chelsea Hotel (also named in the TTPD title track). I did a quick skim of Plath’s Wikipedia to confirm and then started noticing many possible connections to TTPD and Plath’s life.
In the “Fortnight” music video, Swift acts out being institutionalized for insanity and getting electric shock treatment—two significant experiences in Plath’s life. Plath was also coupled with a deeply problematic man, Ted Hughes. Plath fell in love with Hughes for his artistic talent before he revealed himself to be an unsupportive parter, ultimately cheating on Plath with a younger woman. The narrative is not too dissimilar to the narrative about Swift’s alleged ex Matty Healy, as seemingly told in TTPD. (Of course, we don’t know the true subjects of Swift’s songs—if they’re even actually confessional—but some key hints point to Healy. Whether those hints provide actual context to Swift’s life or to the story Swift is telling of her life, one cannot know.) Finally, several of TTPD songs reference a latent desire for suicide (“I might as well die / it would make no difference” etc.). Okay, post-“finally,” these are stretches, but, I’ll note anyway: one of Plath’s most famous collections of poems is titled Ariel, but an alternate title was Daddy. There are connections to both words in TTPD via the song “But Daddy I Love Him.” The title is a line from the Disney movie The Little Mermaid (which features the main character Ariel, a mermaid, caught between two worlds). Extra clowning: some people (hi, I'm people) believe Swift’s 1989 costume for her first Paris concert was an allusion to Ariel: a pink crop top and a seafoam skirt.
As I dug into Plath's life, I couldn’t help but also see similarities to Swift's life. Both women were prolific writers from a very young age. Also, although possibly obscured through artistic license, both women were/are known to write about their own lives. (Plath was apparently encouraged by her professors Robert Lowell and Anne Sexton to write from her experience. I cannot help but tie in Swift’s “The Manuscript” lyric “the Professor said to write what you know.”) Both Plath and Swift expressed/express their depression via their writing, but if you only knew them from their public personas, you’d never guess the depths of their struggles. It seems both Plath and Swift lived/live double lives. Plath was actually fascinated by the concept of doubles. In fact, the concept of doubling was the topic of Plath’s college thesis paper “The Magic Mirror.”
The Magic Mirror and TTPD
Plath’s college paper is sadly not available to the general public. (It had a limited print run in, you guessed it, 1989.) But! I was able to read a few texts about the thesis, and the amount of possible TTPD references is astounding.
Since we can’t analyze Swift’s work via Plath’s directly, I’d like to share several key quotes from the most telling article I could find about the “The Magic Mirror”: “Sylvia Plath’s Magic Mirror” by Kelly Coyne (May 2018, The Los Angeles Review of Books). (To be noted, Coyne has also written about Swift, in her article “Growing Up In Taylor Swift’s America” in December 2023 on Literary Hub—a fabulous read!)
Early in her article, Coyne sets the scene for Plath's thesis:
“Her undergraduate thesis, which she wrote as a senior at Smith College...is titled “The Magic Mirror: A Study of the Double in Two of Dostoevsky’s Novels.” “The Magic Mirror” explores literary doubles made up of a character’s repressed traits, and, as the double grows in power, it heralds the protagonist’s death. Citing Robert Louis Stevenson’s The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde as well as Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray, Plath argued that the choice to create a double works to “reveal hitherto concealed character traits in a radical manner” and simultaneously exposes the driving conflicts of the novel housing that character. Her thesis claims that both Ivan, of The Brothers Karamazov, and Golyadkin, of The Double, have attempted to repress troubling aspects of their personalities, resulting in the double.”
Immediately, I imagine the two versions of Swift from the “Anti-Hero” music video. One Swift is real, true, sensible. The other is a pot-stirring, self-esteem destroying, alcoholic. During Eras, the huge Swift (monster on a hill) screams and stomps around in the background while the real, true Swift smiles and dances in a sparkle dress onstage. The fandom seems to be referring to these two Swifts as Taylor Swift and TAYLOR SWIFT (TM). Folks have theorized Post-Malone in the Fortnight music video is not necessarily a lover, but a twin, or double, of Swift. This theory is enhances by the Eras visuals during that song, specifically two dancers walking away to the back of the stage, but then becoming one.
More Coyne: “Plath, quoting Dostoyevsky in her thesis, noted that Ivan’s double, Smerdyakov, is “wrinkled” and “yellow.” The distinct differences in appearance between originator and double, she continued, are meant to reflect the protagonist’s mental state and cultural status.”
First of all, yellow. In the Gaylor community, folks have often theorized yellow symbolizes being closeted—a reading based on the symbolic coloring in the 1999 film …But I’m a Cheerleader. However, one need not be a Gaylor to consider the importance of yellow to Swift’s storytelling. Most recently, Swift performed “my tears ricochet” at Eras in a bright yellow dress, as her dancers were dressed for a funeral. Following Coyne’s analysis of Plath's analysis of Dostoyevsky, one could guess Swift is teasing a death of some version of herself.
Coyne discusses how Plath clearly used a “double” of herself to write The Bell Jar. Plath herself spent a summer in New York interning for Mademoiselle. The protagonist in TBJ, Esther, spends a summer in New York interning at a magazine too. To go even further down the rabbit hole, Esther also doubles herself, frequently expressing normalcy on the outside and despair on the inside. On the book's first page, Esther tells her audience, “I was supposed to be having the time of my life.” (Again, I cannot help but hear a Swift echo of, “I can read your mind / she’s having the time of her life” from “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart” about smiling through her depression.) Coyne makes many more references to mirrors and concealing in The Bell Jar, Ether’s split (and sadness) gets worse and worse the more she hides who she is from others. Notably, at a low point, Esther hides under her mother’s bed. (And Swift sings of a post-heartbreak depression, “Afterwards she only ate kids' cereal / And couldn't sleep unless it was in her mother's bed.”)
Coyne writes about the “imprisoned” aspect of doubles: “The wound from which Esther tries, and fails, to hide chimes with the inescapable, colonizing double, and Plath’s language again illustrates its penal nature: it is inside Esther, but it traps her like a jail cell.” (Again, I cannot help but see references to “Fresh Out the Slammer”, “The Smaller Man Who Ever Lived,” and the TTPD Eras visuals of cages and cell lighting.)
Coyne, on Plath’s doubles’ names, something Swift has not ever used (or so we think): “From her conception of The Bell Jar all the way to its final revisions, Plath suffered an exhausting amount of anxiety over its heroine’s name.” Plath wrote to a friend, “‘I’ll have to publish it under a pseudonym, if I ever get it accepted, because it’s so chock full of real people I’d be sued to death’...Indeed, this wasn’t mere paranoia; she did have to change her protagonist’s name at the instruction of her editor for legal reasons.”
Coyne continues, “Most novelists likely have concerns about being associated with the characters to whom they give life, especially the ugly ones, and especially when the character resembles its author. Yet what is unique about Plath’s case is her knowledge of the theoretical underpinnings and implications of her choice to push Esther away, and the hold this knowledge assumed on Plath’s work and life. Another look at The Bell Jar with a consideration of Esther as Plath’s double tangles the issue even further, and Plath drops clues for this kind of reading throughout the novel. Esther, for example, sits down to write her own novel and recounts, “My heroine would be myself, only in disguise. She would be called Elaine. Elaine. I counted the letters on my fingers. There were six letters in Esther, too. It seemed a lucky thing.” Not coincidentally, Plath’s first name has six letters as well.” Again, Plath was in a bizarre double infinity loop (like the loop on the Eras stage in “Down Bad”?). Plath was concealing her double, the protagonist in her novel, who was concealing her double, the protagonist in her novel.
Coyne wraps up her findings: “In her thesis, written nearly a decade earlier, as she turned 22 — the year after her first documented suicide attempt — Plath claimed, quoting Otto Rank:
In such situations, where the Double symbolizes the evil or repressed elements in man’s nature, the apparition of the Double “becomes a persecution by it, the repressed material returns in the form of that which represses.” Man’s instinct to avoid or ignore the unpleasant aspects of his character turns into an active terror when he is faced by his Double, which resurrects those very parts of his personality which he sought to escape. The confrontation of the Double in these instances usually results in a duel which ends in insanity or death for the original hero.”
Coyne seems to argue Plath believed an artist's double has the power to become bigger than the artist herself, ultimately killing her. Is TTPD Swift's predetermination of, hopefully, her her double's death instead of her own?
In Conclusion: Plath to her Mentor, Dessner on Swift
Who knows what TTPD is really truly about, and who knows if we ever will.
The biggest Easter egg, hiding in plain sight, is that the album is titled THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT. There’s no apostrophe after “poet.” Nor is there an apostrophe after the “s” in “poets.” The department does not belong to a poet or to a collection of poets. It is a department OF tortured poets, perhaps two, to be exact. …or perhaps the album indicates the departure of the tortured poet...and her double.
I’ll sign off with two final quotes from my research:
According to Coyne, three months before Plath died by suicide, she had written a mentor about her second (obviously unfinished) book. Plath wrote, “It is to be called “Doubletake”, meaning that the second look you take at something reveals a deeper, double meaning […] it is semi-autobiographical about a wife whose husband turns out to be a deserter and philanderer although she had thought he was wonderful & perfect.”
According to Aaron Dessner’s TTPD release Instagram post: ”Keep searching and you'll find some new detail, layer or sliver of meaning with each listen.”
SUBREDDIT PS! Shout out to Expensive_Succotash5 for noting the TTPD intro poem's reference to being out of the oven, could be an allusion to Plath's death. Also shout-out to Good-Amphibian-7993 for this connection to a photo of Plath with a rose, not unlike Swift's album rose art.

We all know how funny his writing was, but there was a lot of really good writing that was not comedy in Only Fools and Horses. There was of course the theme running right through the show of the family loving each other, despite their problems. So many dramatic and touching moments. Grandad's funeral. Del standing in the function room after Rodney's wedding as "Holding Back The Years" plays. Marlene having to leave the baby she hoped to adopt. Albert explaining after the court case about how he wanted to get money for Grandad's gravestone. Del explaining to Raquel how he had to take control after his mum died and his father left. Del's fear and later relief when it turns out he doesn't have cancer. Rodney telling Del how he feels after the miscarriage when they are in the lift. Albert remembering how the docks were as a lively port when he was young. The list could go on and I am sure you will add some more of them.
There are so many scenes which could stand by themselves as pure and brilliant dramatic writing, amidst all the comedy. If someone walked into a room and saw one of those scenes, they would not have known they were in a classic comedy show. While we loved the series as a comedy, there was a lot drama to also hook us in. He knitted the comedy and those really serious scenes together seamlessly. He wrote a lot of sitcoms, but he could just have easily written many serious drama shows too. John Sullivan was a genius.

I feel like I need to talk about this.
My Nan just died. I wasn’t there because they’re in England and we’re in Canada. I have a feeling my mum is going to go over there when the funeral happens (at least I hope she does because she’s her mum.)
I’m trying not to get emotional about it but I can’t help it. To imagine all the memories I’ve had with my Nan to them come to the conclusion that she is no longer here any more, it feels empty. I can imagine her in that hospital bed, until she takes that last breath and then she’s no longer there any more. Just empty.
My Nan and grandad came over every summer for a week or two and we would go out and do things even if we’ve already done them before last summer. I remember during one of there visits, my Nan started having problems with her leg, it would swell and she would have trouble walking. Just went downhill from there.
And my mum couldn’t do anything to help because she’s all the way in another country. So I can’t imagine having to keep hearing that certain people involved in the medical field were being assholes, she wasn’t getting right care, she kept falling over, she kept getting worse. And my mum felt like shit not being able to do anything but listen to my grandfather struggle.
I don’t know. I don’t know how I’m going to help mum if I’m emotional myself.
I know this could sound shitty in a way but I am slightly, ever most slightly relieved that she is gone because that’s it. All the pain and suffering is over and it doesn’t string along family for thinking that she’s going to bounce back because that’s what doctors kept trying to do. Whether or not they were being honest, I don’t know. But she wasn’t ever good, wasn’t ever taken seriously from what I was told when she first started having issues just given a drug to see if it would fix it and when it didn’t just put her on another. Until she was taking over 50 tablets a day (maybe even more) and just a few weeks ago the professionals thought to themselves “huh this seems kind of strange, were going to look and see if these medications are effecting one another?” WHEN SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.
Seems so easy to be angry. But anger never lasts and she’s gone now and I won’t have any new memories of her and I curse myself for not having a fantastic memory so that I can remember her more clearly. Just no new memories to have. But she’s gone, she’s resting, all that pain isn’t going to bother her. Maybe if she’s a ghost (something my mum believes) maybe she’ll visit us.
I think I’m scared of confrontation as well, my neighbour died months ago, my mum’s, coworkers husband died months ago and my great grandmother (mum’s side) passed away too. Seems like death is all around us at the moment. I’m not so scared of confronting death but confronting the people it affects. I don’t know the right thing to say, maybe nothing at all but I don’t want to come off that I’m ignoring it because that’s hurtful. Maybe I’ll never find the answer for it. Maybe that’s the point.
Thanks for reading.