It was a Monday morning. I had just gotten out of bed and was brushing my teeth, so far nothing out of the norm had gone on. After, I went back to my room and put on my shirt and trousers, ‘hm,’ I said to myself. My shirt felt heavier than usual, I went through my pockets to find what was off-putting. After searching 3 pockets, I could feel a note in the lower left pocket. ‘What does it say?’ I questioned. There was black print, just one sentence, ‘The milk is expired.’ What could it mean, what I wondered more though was how it got there. I realised that I had already worn this shirt the other day and I assumed that someone had slipped it in there on my walk home from work last night. I didn’t think much of it and went down to eat breakfast before leaving the house. I got myself a bowl and poured in some cereal. When I went to get the milk I remembered the note and decided to check the date of the milk purely for the fun of it, of course I didn’t think that the note was correct. When I turned the milk bottle around I spotted the date in blue bold print. ‘November 23rd,’ I read allowed. I checked my phone, it was November 24th.
‘Must be a coincidence,’ I thought to myself, after all, most milk goes off after a few days of buying it, right? I ignored the situation and made myself a toast instead. I proceeded to the living room to watch some T.V before leaving, ‘just want to check the weather,’ I told myself. I picked up the remote and opened the T.V, scrolled to the weather channel and turned the sound up. ‘It is going to be a 2024 record of 39 degrees celsius!’ Said the man on the screen. ‘Thats great!’ I told myself excitedly. I shut the T.V and went to put on my shoes and coat. I had left the house and approached my car, still a normal day. Nothing strange going on yet. Neighbour was walking the dog, joggers jogging by. As I said, nothing unusual. I put my hand in my pocket, expecting to grab my car keys, instead, I feel another note. ‘Another one?’ I thought to myself, I opened it up and read, ‘Ignore the weatherman, bring an umbrella.’ Stupid notes, I thought, probably just some annoying person with nothing better to do with his life but bother me. I threw the note away and got my car keys. I had wondered how the note had got there though, I hadn’t taken worn my coat at all yesterday. Once again, I ignored it and went into the car. On the passenger seat laid a note. ‘W-what?!’ I was now panicking. Nervously, I grabbed the note and opened it up: ‘I bet you it will rain today!’ It said, I was on the verge of calling the police but I had no evidence of anyone breaking in or anyone writing these notes so I decided to leave it. I turned on the engine, wondering what will happen next.
Part 1. Upvote for Part 2. Comment suggestions.

31F - 130lbs - Active
I’m going to explain this the best I can, I don’t say anything to anyone because it sounds crazy to me and I don’t think I’ll get anywhere with it. But probably mostly embarrassed to even bring it up.
I get deja vu, like intense deja vu I think..to the point I stop with what ever I am doing and get really confused with what is going on. The impending doom feeling comes on and I cant pinpoint why I am having it or finish the thoughts of the deja vu I guess? If someone is with me I usually just say I had deja vu and I feel weird/sick. Like I need to throw up. It’s the worst feeling I’ve experienced.
Some instances I remember off the top of my head right now with age and what I was doing:
23 - marching on military parade deck, but I completely blacked out and was still functioning and came back to and thought I was going to throw up.
24 - during a uniform inspection
28 - shopping in a shoe store with a boyfriend at the time
31 (last night) - hanging up led lights behind my tv
*Medication
Vyvanse 20mg - 17 y.o until about 20 years old. Pause on that medication while in the military. Prescribed 20mg again at 30 y.o., only take on work days.
Synthroid .075mcg - diagnosed with Hashimotos Disease 2021.
Lexapro 15mg to 2.5mg - For anxiety November 2023. Coming off of it, currently at 2.5mg.
“Happy V” Pre and Probiotic
——
Sensory things that I’ve noticed over the years but having a boyfriend move in I’ve noticed it more and he’s pointed them out as well.

• The feeling of loose/detached hair touching me. In the shower when hair is stuck on my body, a hair on a piece of clothing but I can feel it on my skin. I stop everything and have to find it, get it off. I gag if I see it in the shower, won’t clean out drains, struggle to clean out hairbrush. My. Own. Clean. Hair.
  
• Can’t walk bare foot on hardwood/tile floors. I will walk on my tippy toes.
  
• Certain fabrics I can’t touch, clothes come immediately off when I get home. Change to an oversized/loose hoody. Socks especially come off.
  
• If I notice a raise in my skin like a scab or pimple, I will end up making it a dang wound because I focus on it and will pick.
  
• Certain noises make me physically angry I feel like? Sniffing, throat coughs, dogs licking skin, scratching skin, people picking their nails, loud yawns. (I feel like Lexapro maybe helped this a little.)
  
• I gag if I smell something I don’t like or if someone talks about something gross. (I really noticed this after starting Lexapro)
  
• Multiple people talking at once, or just a loud environment, I get overwhelmed and have to leave. Loud music. No music when I’m working or cleaning.
  
• Just very particular about a lot of things.
  

——
I’m just sitting here like how the f did I make it through the military.
I have a great job and friends and family/social life. I’m just confused and concerned, mainly about the deja vu thing but sensory things affect me greatly too.
Thanks in advance for your feedback and I will answer any questions!

I want to preface this by saying that although this is a vent post I'm also looking for advice.
I'm 18F (important context I forgot to add until now is my diagnoses, I have depression, generalized anxiety disorder, Asperger's syndrome, and soon I'm going to be tested for ADHD) and my two parents are 37F (reffered to as "mother") and 45M (reffered to as "father"), I don't know if I should label either of them as NParents since I still haven't sorted my thoughts on them. Before I talk about the past few months I feel like I should give context, when I was born there was an error in my birth certificate (refered to as "BC" from now on) resulting in a big ol' paper mess, and something that definitely contributed to the difficulty of fixing this was the fact that my father never signed my BC, and as a sour cherry on top my parents never married (but did "tolerate" each other until a few years ago). For context on my mixed feelings on my mother she has definitely shown Narcissistic traits, if not in the past few years that I've noticed then probably longer. Me and all of my siblings have had differing problems with her and one of my most prominent issues has been her controlling behavior, in recent weeks it has been diminishing but that will be elaborated upon later in the post. As for the context with my father he has been very aggressive and borderline violent, me and my siblings have had different issues with him as well, my issue is in regard to his very controlling behavior and severe bigotry.
The important events in this situation begin almost two months ago from when I'm posting this. It started with an argument between me and my mother regarding something I did hours before (I'd like to state that there wasn't any violence involved in my actions and the argument, and that I was definitely in the wrong), by the end of the day I went to my father's place for the night. I woke up the next morning to go back to my mother's to catch the bus to school, later in the school day I was talking to a school therapist and due to the thoughts I was dealing with the recommended I call my Doctor and (depending on what he says) either go to him or a hospital immediately. My father was the one to bring me to the hospital and I was reffered to a day program for a total of two or so weeks. After leaving the hospital me and my father decided it was best that I spend time living with him while I finish the day program. While I was with my father my mother slowly started respecting untold boundaries more and more. Meanwhile I was having a good first few weeks living with my father and I felt I was making progress, however as time went on I started to enjoy my time there less as I started noticing more problems with the people I was living with. The same night I made the decision to go back to my mother's was the same night there was an argument between my father and stepmother where I noticed very familiar behaviors coming from the stepmother that were like my mother's behaviors. The next day I went back to living with my mother, and things have been going oddly well over here, but things have definitely been getting worse with my father. He wasn't satisfied with any of the progress I was making in the past few weeks, so he set a deadline of one week for me to make progress otherwise he stops paying for my phone, I don't think he was really considering the impact this would have since I would lose contact all of my family outside the house and I wouldn't be able to schedule therapy appointments myself. On the flip side however my mother has been respecting just about every boundary I've set which is impressive compared to her previous behavior. The same night my father told me the deadline I talked with my mother and we planned a few things, rescheduling therapy, getting my state ID, and getting a Bluebird Card, however the soonest we would be able to do these are later this week past the deadline my father set. Usually me and my sisters have breakfast with my father twice a week, but this time he told me to get out of the car and stay home to make progress.
I don't know what to do regarding my father, every time I've seen him since I moved back over he has asked questions laced with hostility and as time goes on I'm feeling less safe around him. I also don't know how to feel about my mother, I can't tell if she's behaving like this because she's finally realizing her behavior isn't okay or if she's behaving like this to lure me into a sense of security with her again.
I don't even know what this post is anymore, it could be asking for advice, it could be venting, or it could just be me trying to find a way to justify my feelings, I just don't know dude.

What's up guys, I just installed the ECS Dog Bone Mount Insert into the Mk6 GTI. There wasn't a lot of good install videos out there for this, so I figured I would make one. Quick thoughts, man this thing feels amazing, the install only took about 45 minutes. I could notice the changes immediately, the car feels much "stiffer" and immediate power on demand when accelerating. The full review is in the works but I'm waiting for a bit of "break in" to happen just to notice any changes that may occur. Video here - How to Install a Dogbone Mount Insert on Mk6 GTI https://youtu.be/bLI5Op1XX-4 I hope you guys enjoy.

I’m 17 my parents are around 50 don’t wanna say precisely for privacy reasons. In march we won a small lottery 4000€ and decided to save a part of this money 2500€ for a trip we had been planing since January.
Since January my mom had started to order more stuff online, buy me things i didn’t ask for and other small things (i have a suspicion that a part of this money has gone to alcohol, because my mom has a drinking problem but my dad doesn’t drink at all).
Getting warmer where I live my moms work has gotten a lot more physically challenging. She often comes home after long shifts and complains about how much everything hurts and about how she doesn’t get paid enough for what she does. (When the pain from work is so bad that medicine doesn’t help she uses alcohol to cope).
In the past few weeks the complaints now include how there isn’t going to be enough money to go on the trip. I have asked her how much is there really left but she keeps dogging the question. Which brings us to this week. My dad’s car broke down so he asked my mom to give him 700€ to fix it (he would give it back after his pay day) My mom gave him the money and thats that.
Today my dad needed another 100€ for the car, but mom was at work so he asked me to take some out of the stash. (This way I found out that me and my mom are the only people who know where this money is) While taking the 100€ out i decided to quickly count how much was left.
To say the least i was shocked from the 2500€ we decided to save for the trip thats in two months by the way, only 500€ were left. Adding the 800€ my dad took thats 1300€.
I didn’t tell anything to dad, he would explode. I went out for a walk and called my mom, all I said is that I counted the money, that I was disappointed and that we would need to have a talk 1 on 1 about how i think she has a problem and about how to get 1200€ back in two months. She was angry, she said that I had no business counting the money, that i have violated our trust and that we will be speaking only when dad leaves for work in a week then she just said she can’t talk and hung up
English is my second language so I hope this was coherent enough to understand. I don’t have anyone to talk to, and just want to know if I am in the wrong. I am open for questions. And i will update if anything new happens.

Hi guys I’ll try keep this as short as I can and not make this a therapy session- this is all new to me and being honest, very overwhelming. If you have any words for me I’d really appreciate it. Prior to forking out the few bob to talk to Zak powers and his alter ego dr Maria Rubio I felt like if I pursued this it would “fix” me. Bless my heart.
Background: 24M friends have moved abroad and social life is dwindling with the few that are still here. I work mon-fri in the office and some weeks from home. I’m on the heavier side. Light drinker(alcoholic once the suns out) use marijuana daily. Not snoop dog levels but it’s there and I’m sure the people around me would like to see me molt from it.
They put us on 18mg of concerta and said we could up the dose to 36 if I’m not feeling anything. So we did that and to be fair to them I’m noticing it but it’s leaving me feeling like a hollow version of myself. Yes it’s giving me clarity and less brain fog and I’m glad I can see a productivity boost. What I’m not thrilled about is that as soon as my work day is done I have no energy and all of a sudden I feel like I’m 60 with two knee replacements. I’m happy to just lie down and not think and stay awake till stupid o clock watching tv/youtube.
Before being on these meds I’d be up and about like an autistic rooster not giving a shit what people thought, of course I’d have me moments but I made sure to have x amount of water a day and to get out of the house full stop.
TLDR feel like I lost the part of myself that brought the method to the madness since starting concerta. That on a motor feeling is how I got my shit done. Now that it’s gone im finding it much harder to apply the benefits of the medication to my hobbies with this surge in fatigue. I’d like to change to tyvanese but I don’t know if that would help me.

Hello! I am so overwhelmed. I’m a first time dog owner and my puppy has fleas. I have tried everything and they just won’t go away. He travels between my house and my grandmas because I spent the nights with her. I have washed him with Dawn, tried Adam’s shampoo, used black flag spray in mostly all rooms, and they just keep coming back. I started off seeing adult fleas and now I’m seeing baby ones. He is on flea medication (an ointment applied on 5/6, but that doesn’t seem to be working. I have vacuumed both houses thoroughly. The apartment people did notice fleas and said they would come out and fumigate it the apt, but I don’t know how to tackle my house (inside and backyard). I just hate seeing my puppy in pain from scratching, what can I do end this whole thing? It’s never ending! :/ Is there hope that it will end?

I'm extremely upset at my husband. To begin with, we're first time parents to a beautiful 9 month old baby girl.
In our family, I'm the only one working. I work remotely, and on a different timezone. Just so you get an idea, we're in the US and my work is in Europe.
Although I work, I still pull my weight when I'm not working.
My husband and I have had many disagreements over the same topic. I'm fine to host people over every now and then during the weekends when I'm not working, but I need a couple of days notice, so I'm prepared in advance to have things to offer for the guests, and just so I can make a plan for having a bit of time to relax for myself after working everyday until midnight or past, and to manage handling walking the dog and attending to the baby as well as my basic hygiene needs.
My brother-in-law was visiting us this weekend, with the purpose of seeing his niece, seeing my husband and helping my husband to fix our fence. We've planned this for weeks by now.
As a last minute notice, my husband decided to invite his friends over as well. Summer is already here, so it's quite warm outside. Our house has extremely good insulation, since winters in our state get pretty cold. So inside the house, it's quite hot all day and all night long, mostly during summers.
I did ask to not have more people over in such a short notice, as this is my only free time and I would like being able to enjoy outside in our terrace with our dog and baby as well, and then just relax there once the baby is down for her nightsleep. We have a baby monitor, so being on the terrace while she's sleeping her night sleep is not a problem, since we can carry the monitor with us to the terrace and actively monitor her.
As I mentioned to my husband, I would like a few days notice in advance, and I do not like spontaneously bringing many people and me having to be locked inside on dog-sitter duty. I say dog-sitter because our dog is extremely playful and he would not stop going around from person to person to be played with and get pets. Although this isn't a bad thing, if we leave him inside the house while being on the terrace when we have guests, he would just cry at the door to come out with us, and he'd wake the baby, who is very hard to put to sleep since she's teething at the moment.
Things ended up going exactly how I thought they would, and I ended up spending the night locked inside the house after I put baby to sleep. At around 2am I was extremely exhausted and wanted to go to sleep, but baby woke up due to teething pain, and she was inconsolable.
I tried feeding her and rocking her to sleep, but she refused to go back to sleep. At this point I was extremely exhausted and I felt like I was falling asleep while I was holding the baby. On top of that, I have PCOS and I finally got my period after weeks of being in premenstrual pain and taking painkillers daily. I called my husband to come inside and let him know that baby was awake and I was extremely tired and in pain, so I needed him to take over now so I could get some rest.
It took 2 more hours for him to come inside the house and help. I'm extremely upset, and everyday more and more I feel like he does not listen to my needs too, but only to his own and complains about not being able to see friends every other weekend, and how his parents were able to have more of a social life than we do when they had their babies.
I think that every baby is different. Every person adapts differently to bring a first-time parent, and each family is different, none function identically to the other.
Some important info: his family lives in a different state and I have no family around.
I have already burned through my savings to be able to take care of our family expenses and basic needs. I feel extremely overwhelmed, and I don't feel like I'm asking for too much. Just some notice in advance, and to listen to my concerns and needs a bit more.
I feel like I've been ambushed for disaster this weekend, and have expressed I was upset in front of my brother-in-law last night, and now I feel like neither my brother-in-law nor his friends like me anymore. On top of that, he asked that another of his friends with partner visit here during the next weekend.
I feel like I have so much on me, and I need a break. I don't feel like I want to entertain anyone at all during next weekend. I need a breather. I need a weekend to relax and get to do something other than waking up to take care of duties, work, sleep and repeat all over again. But I don't feel like he understands this. Everytime I try to bring it up, it seems to be about him not seeing his friends as much as he wants to, and so on.
I feel like I'm at my wits-end. I don't know what am I supposed to do anymore. Am I asking for too much? Am I unreasonable? What can I do to improve our communication and how can I make it to meet somewhere on middle ground?
All answers are appreciated.

Hello! I am so overwhelmed. I’m a first time dog owner and my puppy has fleas. I have tried everything and they just won’t go away. He travels between my house and my grandmas because I spent the nights with her. I have washed him with Dawn, tried Adam’s shampoo, used black flag spray in mostly all rooms, and they just keep coming back. I started off seeing adult fleas and now I’m seeing baby ones. He is on flea medication (an ointment applied on 5/6, but that doesn’t seem to be working. I have vacuumed both houses thoroughly. The apartment people did notice fleas and said they would come out and fumigate it the apt, but I don’t know how to tackle my house (inside and backyard). I just hate seeing my puppy in pain from scratching, what can I do end this whole thing? It’s never ending! :/ Is there hope that this issue will end? :/

My best friend from school and I both immigrated to the same country after marriage. She often asked for money from my husband and me every week, and usually didn't return it. After I became strict, she returned some money, but not all, which I have moved on from. She only calls when she needs help.
Once, she and her husband had a fight and made a hole in my rental property, costing me $700 to fix, without any apology. Whenever she visits, she stays for more than 7 days, visiting her relatives and friends and using my car, mostly driven by her husband. Recently, I found out she restricted me on Facebook.
Now she is pregnant and wants to move close to the city and the hospital where I work. She intends to stay with me until her baby is born. How can I say no?

I have just been diagnosed with Bipolar2, I've been in and out of help for my mental health since I was 16, always given antidepressants and told it's depression and anxiety I'm now 35, the first time I was able to articulate how I feel inside was using those three things 😂 and everything makes so much more sense!
I told the psychiatrist on some days I'm super woman, I can throw cars, redecorate the house, do crafts with the kids, make family meals from scratch, answer all my admin I've put off, solve world hunger and generally am buzzing with ideas and everything I do feels effortless.
Some days I'm a potato, absolutely useless to anyone, I can't abide getting out of bed, will not wash, freak out if my phone rings or the door is knocked, I'm just in a constant catatonic state, if my husband talks to me with even a hint of a question, I rage at him because it immediately overwhelms me, I think of that superwoman bitch, an I hate myself that I can't be her always, she gets shit done, I need to die because I can't be her 24/7.
There is always dragon - this is, out of nowhere I can just fly off the handle if I think I've been slighted or I feel overwhelmed, it's like it's always there percolating under the surface waiting to rip off the head of anyone who pokes it, that or it wants to attack me for being utterly shite.
I don't know why I'm sharing this other than to see if it resonates with anyone else? Or even helps someone else to articulate those ups and downs because for me it has been the lightbulb for my doctor as to what has been going on all these years!

Sanjay stood there in shock. He had been at Hogwarts for more than five years and had never seen a portal that could transport Muggles into the wizarding world.
Sanjay: "This is unheard of! If bad people or any other Muggles find out about this place, it would be a disaster. We need to talk to Professor Dumbledore. He'll know what to do."
He then explained how great Professor Dumbledore was, his wisdom and power unrivaled in the wizarding world.
Sanjay: "Professor Dumbledore is the most powerful and wise wizard. He's the headmaster of Hogwarts and has faced and defeated dark wizards before. We need his guidance."
Sanjay urged them to return to the Muggle world for now and not to speak of this to anyone else.
Sanjay: "Don’t talk about this if there’s anyone else around. Just go back home for now. We’ll figure this out later."
The trio nodded in agreement and returned to the Muggle world. As soon as they were back, Toby pinched Fin to check if he was dreaming.
Toby Fletcher: "Fin, are we dreaming?"
Fin laughed, and Lily joined in, but Sanjay remained serious.
Sanjay: "Remember, not a word to anyone."
That night, none of them could think about anything else. They couldn’t sleep, their minds racing with the day’s revelations. Fin lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, replaying the events of the day. Lily, meanwhile, was scribbling notes in her journal, trying to make sense of everything they had seen.
The next morning, Fin called Lily and Toby. They decided to talk about what to wear for their next visit to the magical world.
Fin Sparks: "We need to blend in better this time. Any ideas on what to wear?"
As they were discussing this, Fin's mom, Charlotte Sparks, entered his room.
Charlotte Sparks: "Fin, why are you up so early and getting dressed?"
Fin quickly ended the call and turned to his mom.
Fin Sparks: "I got a part-time job at a café far from here."
Charlotte nodded, but Fin had one more question on his mind.
Fin Sparks: "Mom, do you know anything about Dad? Why didn't he come back when I was five?"
Charlotte’s expression changed, and she looked nervous.
Charlotte Sparks: "Your dad was an amazing person, Fin. But... well, that flying car incident you keep talking about was just your imagination."
Fin could see she was hiding something but chose not to press further. He changed the subject.
Fin Sparks: "My friends are heading the same way, so I'm going with them."
Charlotte smiled.
Charlotte Sparks: "Alright, just be careful."
Fin met up with Lily and Toby outside.
Fin Sparks: "Remember, always say we’re working part-time after school. I told my mom I'm working at a café."
They all agreed and made their way back to the alley, returning to the magical world where Sanjay was waiting for them with four broomsticks.
Sanjay: "Follow me."
They followed Sanjay to a car that soon started to fly. Lily, scared, hugged Fin, causing her to blush. Toby teased them.
Toby Fletcher: "Guys, get a room!"
Lily turned red with embarrassment. They traveled until they reached a random field bathed in sunlight. Sanjay started telling stories about Professor Dumbledore.
Sanjay: "Dumbledore is the greatest wizard alive. He’s the headmaster at Hogwarts and knows everything about magic. You’re going to love him."
Fin's excitement grew. The car, orange in color, landed in a forest.
Sanjay: "Before you meet Dumbledore, you need to learn some basics."
They landed the car roughly in the Dark Forest, home to unicorns. Sanjay laughed at their rough landing.
Sanjay: "Get used to it. It’s not always smooth."
He started teaching them how to use broomsticks.
Sanjay: "Place your broom on the ground and say 'Up'."
Fin tried and succeeded on his first try, impressing Sanjay.
Sanjay: "Wow, you're a natural!"
They moved on to spells. Sanjay taught them:

• Accio: A summoning spell.
• Lumos: Lights up the wand tip.
• Oculus Reparo: Fixes broken objects.
• Muffliato: Fills ears with a buzzing noise to prevent eavesdropping.
• Petrificus Totalus: Full body-bind curse.

Fin accidentally used Petrificus Totalus on Toby, causing everyone to laugh, but Sanjay remained patient.
Sanjay: "Use it carefully, Fin."
He also introduced them to Expecto Patronum and many more spells. Finally, he mentioned the deadly spell, Avada Kedavra.
Sanjay: "Never use this spell. It’s extremely dangerous and only a master can control it."
Toby accidentally used it on a bird, causing a minor scare. Fortunately, the bird was only injured, and Sanjay healed it with a spell.
Sanjay: "Be very careful with that spell. It’s not to be used lightly."
Lily was a quick learner, mastering spells rapidly. Toby, however, was more interested in how the magical car worked and the repair spells. After an intense training session, they were ready to meet Professor Dumbledore.
Fin Sparks: "We’re ready. Let’s meet Professor Dumbledore."
With a mix of excitement and nervousness, the trio prepared to meet the legendary headmaster.
End of Episode 3

There is some potentially triggering content in this story
Did you know that memories aren’t real? No? Not really, you can misremember or change a memory without ever knowing you have. It’s a sinisterly important fact for me, some would be worried but I find it freeing, I can share this memory without fear or shame. I most likely haven’t remembered what happened as it happened, and considering what happened on the 9th of May all those years ago, I’d say it’s likely I don’t remember. It’s a relief really that memories aren’t real; I have always hated talking about my memories, about myself in general. In my experience, people are not interested in what I have to say, unless it relates to them or it makes me look less than them. Maybe it’s all in my head, everything is really. I’m not the most people friendly these days, I think you could call me a cynic, I call myself a cynic, but I’ll try and keep true to this memory, without the influence of hindsight and my cynicism.
It’s about that puddle and the 9th of May. Why the specifically the 9th of May? Well I don’t actually know why that day, it could have easily been the 8th, the difference is hours. I do wish I could change the setting; it’s almost poetic, I could always be misremembering, it was a long time ago, and I have been told many times since that I have a flair for the dramatic. A dark and rainy night, with the wind howling, well that’s a backdrop I can enjoy.
I’m sorry. Let me start at the beginning for the sake of clarity, otherwise I’ll never finish what I start to say, and I’ll never say what I need to say.
Once upon a time I went to a party. I enjoyed drinking back then, a healthy amount for most people, but for me, a dangerous amount, I had a tendency to get inside my head when I drink.
No again I’m sorry, that’s not the memory I want to share, I want to tell the 9th of May, I think this memory will be harder to tell than I first thought.
It was a birthday party for a friend, well a friend of a friend, I knew two people there, I was speaking my wisdom at the party, normally people would just nod and slide away from that kind of wisdom, but this was during the university days, everyone is intelligent, insightful and understanding at university. We few were the self-proclaimed leaders of the future, and so understood all, my green wisdom spewed with no start or finish was always well received. I remember some of what I said, you can walk into any pub or club and listen to the drunkest person in the room, they would have spewed the same wisdom, wisdom that I thought at the time was original and wise, but really was just old sentiment repeated with new words. Despite what I wanted at the time, wisdom comes with age, not self-assurance.
But this time was my spring years, that sweet age just before I faced reality, the real harsh reality of life, I had just begun to explore the world inside my bubble, and my exploration lead me onto the well-trodden path of clubbing and drinking, the respectable rebellion. I began as I always did, by talking, talking of going to some event, a lecture, a monument, an underground pub, of all the things I could do that evening, the places I could go, I and the other future leaders of the world, the potential was ours to squander. This ended as it always would, in that night club, the very same one I would always go to, my slice of reality.
Apologies my dear reader, I have a cynical mind, it’s hard to keep at bay, I’ll admit that I haven’t really tried to keep it from being an influence here, I can’t seem to help myself, but this next part of the memory is less clear, but I can relay it with a real, shame filled joy. This part of the memory feels more like a dream now, I don’t have the energy to do what I did that night, I don’t have the energy for much these days, I think that makes the memory more fond to me, drinking, dancing, worry free. Maybe fond was the wrong word to use here, jealous is more fitting, jealous of the innocence and time I wasted. The power of a drink back then was incredible; I miss the feeling, that burn in the mouth, the after taste, the saliva, the heat in your chest, and that feeling of being unstoppable. Of course drink has more than one effect, and while I’d like to believe my cloudy memory is caused by false and misremembered facts, or by the merging of a hundred single nights into one endless night, that’s too poetic. No, the memory is clouded by the amount I drunk that night, and many years after as I tried to forget this very memory.
Yet despite this, even now, the fragments still makes me smile, whether it’s because I enjoy the memories of the innocence I held then, or I’m jealous of them I cannot say, I’m a self-proclaimed cynic, not a philosopher or a psychologist, I’ll leave the analysis to better men than me. Instead I’ll try to give you an idea of what happened in the club without my opinions bleeding through. This night in the club was no different from all the others, they all start the same. Moving around the club in a daze, my head feeling big and unsteady, but also incredibly light and empty, my fingertips warm, my feet numb, I remember dancing to songs, dancing on tables, screaming out lyrics, smoking outside, stealing a bottle of champagne, fixing my hair in a mirror, buying a round of drinks, the lights flashing, the bass thumping, fog spewing, standing on my own staring at the old chandelier, crawling on the floor looking for money, I remember walking out the club and how quiet everything seemed in comparison while I tried to keep standing in the night air, looking at my hands, how bright the lights were, how blurry the world seemed and how beautiful the moon was that night.
Here, here the memory starts to come back into focus, the bright street lights and night air always helped me to sober up at night, plus I’ve always enjoyed being outside in the dark night or under the moonlight, I find it comforting to stand under the moon, it’s as if I’m suddenly alive.
As I came to my senses my memory sharpened, but that’s all, my drunkenness remained. I was with a couple of friends, some who I had been at the party with and some who I met in the club, we got food, and we spent such a long time talking, our conversations were mixed, some happy, some sad, all just more green wisdom. Much later on, me and my friend, maybe the one I went to the party with (it might have been someone else, who’s to say?), walked back towards our homes not because we wanted to walk as we said over and over to our screeching friends, but because the taxi was expensive and we couldn’t afford it, we lived in different places but close enough that we could walk together. Its funny to think of this moment, back then I had the money for a taxi, but I wouldn’t spend it on a taxi, now that I’m a poor man, I’ll spend money I don’t have on taxis I don’t need, apparently the youthful idiot I was, was wiser than I am now in some regards after all.
I don’t remember walking with my friend, or rather, I know where we went, how long it took and what we probably talked about, I had walked this walk so many times before this night, and so many after, they are all the same memory to me now, I enjoyed the walking in the night, the exhilaration of that has stayed with me more than the company on those walks. I always used to break it down into three segments, and so that’s how it comes back to me now. Leaving the club, past the library, past the race track, over the river across the bridge, up the steep hill, past the first university gates (which were actually the back gates), round the campus on the public roads, to the second gates (which are the main gates), a long walk with company, a painfully short one with alone. He was still living on the Campus my friend, I lived about ten minutes away from the campus, I said goodbye and goodnight, we agreed to speak in the morning if we survived. He went through the back gates and headed towards the halls, I continued on my way, onto the second segment of the walk past the gates. I was on my own for the rest of the walk; this happened a lot, both during my university days and many years after. I lived on the opposite side of the campus to most of my friends so this part of the walk was always mine alone, even when I started the night with the people I lived with. I didn’t mind, it was nice to enjoy the feeling of being drunk without having to show I was drunk, a few assured moments of peace under the moon light. I never deviated from my path, round the outside of the campus, opposite some housing estates, till I got next to a little shop that sold cheap, bottles of spirit. I would always stop for a moment to wish that shop was open.
Then it was down that straight road, the final part of my walk, big houses on either side, well-lit but not busy. It looked like it was a five minute walk but once you started it felt like it was never ending, and at the end of the night, in the night air, it was never ending. Sometimes I would run, sprint to see if I could make it to the end of that road without stopping, something to break the monotony of walking, other times to tire myself out so I could fall straight to sleep, and sometimes just because I wanted to run. Nearly every day for two years I walked down that road to go clubbing shopping or studying, to go for a meal, see a film, meet a friend, it was a constant part of my life, an unwanted companion and witness. Walking down that road, reader I don’t think I’m able to describe how I hated that road, but I always walked down that road, there were other ways I could walk, quicker ways, but I always took that road.
This particular night, actually at this point I suppose it was the morning. I was walking down that road in the rain and dark between the streetlights, bitterly cold staring straight into a street light walking on the right hand side. I’d always walk on the right hand side, I’m not sure why, whenever I walked on the left I had a bad day. Except for on the 9th, the 9th is the one exception.
I have no clue where the car came from; I didn’t see it until after the jump, just a blurred headlight, a door, a wing mirror. The driver, the make, the model, even the color is a mystery. It appeared and left like a phantom. There was no thought, I moved forward, but I don’t recognize that I was the one who leapt forward.
I remember the fall. I fell backwards. As if my strings had been cut and I fell limp into the puddle, there was no splash as I landed in that puddle.
The feeling I felt in that puddle, it was something I had never felt before or since, an overwhelming pull I was powerless against, I pray to never to feel it again.
Should I describe it? How to describe it? I have to describe it. I can describe the fear it inspired, but not yet, it’s easier to describe fear, but this isn’t meant to be easy, this memory never is. No the actual feeling, that’s harder, It wasn’t a happy emotion, not a powerful emotion, not a sad emotion. Hopelessness? Yes it was hopelessness. Nothing more, nothing less. No hope for the future, no point to anything, I think it is possibly the only time I felt hopelessness. You can’t live without hope.
I couldn’t stand could I? No, I wouldn’t have laid there if I could, to begin with I didn’t want to, didn’t care to, my legs wouldn’t move, arms were like stone, every muscle in my body cramped, I could feel everything. My eyes were open, rain hitting them, rain dripped from my lips to my chin, it tickled. The fingertips were warm, hair moved, stand by stand off my face. Puddle water lapped against my cheek, socks soaking up water, shirt getting tighter and heavier, jacket sleeves filling up with water, keys and wallet resting on my leg. I just lay there staring at nothing, seeing nothing.
I think to begin with I was gone; that everything I held myself up to and was trying to achieve, had suddenly left me, except my memories, memories that weren’t real. For the longest time that’s how I was, empty, even down to my emotions there was nothing I laid there empty. I could feel my body, but I couldn’t move it, I wasn’t welcome, I felt awkward, out of place. I’m not sure how long I lay there, dead (I had to be dead because I had no hope), it could have been a minute; it could have been hours, days or years.
The light was wrong. It was dark, only the light seemed to come from a streetlight, the sky was empty, the moon had left me.
Some portion of my mind came back, I started crying, I had failed, failed at even this simple task, I lay for a long time waiting, waiting for something else to come, I should have gotten up, but I just lay there waiting, I was muttering my secret . If that had been my mind for the rest of my days, I would have spent those days in that puddle unmoving; declared brain dead on the spot. The moment raises such disgust in me, I grieved my most important failure, hated my greatest success.
I’d like to lie here, to say anything other than the truth, to save myself the pain and the shame, but I said I would try to tell this memory as it was, not as I wish it, so while I’d like to say I had a vison, a burst of strength, that hope returned to me, I can’t, because in reality it was two words that saved me.
Two words. The Two words that cut through it all. I’m still not sure if I just heard them from somewhere else, said it myself or imagined it afterwards. “Get up” it was angry, disgusted, the words were almost spat out, “Get up”.
Those words have burned themselves into my mind, and affected me every day since. The fear and inspiration it awoke in my mind, throat pricked and butterflies in my stomach, anxiety. Next to the hopelessness it seemed like life had spoken, with a voice that wielded fear.
I took control of my body then……
No dear reader I didn’t…. I am almost finished, I have to be true to the memory, I can’t spare myself now, it’s too late for me to take it back.
I didn’t take control, I wasn’t there yet, it took me such a long time to regain control again, but it gave my eyes back to me for I had seen nothing long before the fall. I watched as fear drove me, took the strings of my life and moved them, dragging my shell in the dust, screaming.
I cursed everyone and everything, hated myself for what had happened, Oh and the fear, fear of the voice, fear of dying, the fear that someone would see me at this moment, see me and misunderstand me, I didn’t want to die,(I don’t want to die now) I was terrified that I had tried to die, terrified I didn’t know where that urge came from, that moment of energy and intention that was actioned without the consent of my mind, that I was powerless against.
Fear drove me, commanded me out of that puddle. I’d gone insane, truly, completely, utterly mad, I was dragging myself to the curb, screaming, crying, laughing, I ripped my finger nails out, shredded my palms and hands into bloody messes my knees into bruised pulp, my head and face cut by being dragged along.
I heaved up that curb fucking curb, shaking. I started to stand and scramble forward, to escape that spot, that puddle on that road. I stood up hunched and bent, buffet by the wind, laughing, crying, waving my hands in all directions spitting, shouting, wiping blood on my jeans, I was staggering side to side shaking, soaked to the bone, I was mad, insane, disgraced and humiliated.
Why say more? I won’t go further, there is so much more but to understand it…. This was not the place for such memories. That moment all those years ago, was not the eureka moment, the next day I turned this into a joke, a story to tell.
To this day, I cannot tell you what really happened that night all those years ago, as I sit here writing and rewriting the words over and over. I don’t think I’ll ever understand it. I wonder what would happened if I could relive that night again, doing everything again now. This was the time that my bubble began to burst and the real world hit me like a wave. Perhaps it was just a moment of growing pains. I’ve said it before, I’m only a cynic, all I have left is the memory of the 9th of May, a memory I visit daily.

So I F55 have been single, living with ex (paranoid hoarder) for a few years. It was exhausting & constant stress. We all know what clutter does to an aspie!! I finally had enough & decided to move closer to my kids&grans 1200 miles away. Ex moved out. I've been trying to pack my stuff (imagine trying to find my stuff in the hoard) bought a shuttle to live in/haul my stuff, still had the exs cats, dog, for months. I've had 2 surgeries in the past 6 months, both pushed my timeline further back. I've dealt with all of this ALONE. It's just been chaos & I'm really pushing myself. I have a 4 hr round trip commute, on top of an 8 hr work shift, 5 days a week. A friend there, invited me to a FB group to maybe meet some more friends there before hand. I got a few responses & over a period of a few months, 1 in particular, (F62) were seeing each other. She came to visit. Visit went fantastic. I understand she's a manager type personality & was fine with that, until I told her I am Aspie. Within a few days, I was being instructed on how to deal with bosses, friends, finances, when to work on my resume, tasks, chores, etc. I occasionally get overwhelmed & take a night off from tasks. I had set Mem Day as my "goal" tho kept the reality of rain, & things not working as planned (I had a date to get hitch installed, they screwed up reservation, & rescheduled next week) perfect example! I was planning on driving my shuttle down, coming back for camy dog. SHE decided, to buy a plane ticket for Mem wknd, to drive my car down for me. She's never pulled a trailer, nor dealt with midwest storms. She would also have my dog in that car. When I mentioned the given time frame, she dismissed it. My concerns: The shuttle is older and may break down. It's custom, so finding parts may take weeks. I also brought up midwest storms, her response was "its just rain we will keep going". I brought up straight line wind, derechos, etc. Was still blown off. So now my stress & anxiety are peaking. Monday night, we chatted until late, Tuesday, i had a texted a typo, & she was offended I didn't fix it. I had a horrendous busy day. She texted that I must be busy. I said yes. Note: that was all the text I got from her as well all day. When I left work, I texted that I was out. Didn't get the typical "drive safe" response. I texted that I got home. I got 'yay' in response. I then get voice message telling me she can't imagine how much stress im under, she doesn't want to be my stressor, etc. She offers me a night off of our nightly chat so I can decompress. I'm thinking omg she's amazing, thank you ty TY! Then... she sends me a vm of how I'm exhibiting VERY BAD passive aggressive behavior, full of red flags, she's going to take this as a concern, etc. I apologize & say today Im overwhelmed. Now I'm being told, she was upset about my typo, I didn't fix my typo, I didn't text much, how that made her feel ghosted, that her gut was right that I was bullshit, that I'm just too immature to handle what she has to offer. At this point, after a very long stressful day, I'm in critical shut down. I reject calls- texts, tho the texts come in nose to tail. Constant voice messages,texts, emails, voice mail,... I'm just here panicking in silence. So she starts harassing my adult daughter. I tell my daughter to block her. Now the accusations start. Then threatening to visit my elderly (80+) neighbors, (she's been to my place - driveways line up, she know where they live they are my only neighbors) harass THEM until I conform. (PS: she works with the elderly) & she can't see why I now don't want anything to do with her.
Things she's said/ texted-unedited:
-Until I hear different, I am flying out Saturday the 25th. I will get an Uber to your mom and dad's house because I have the address and we're gonna figure this shit out.
-I'm gonna have so much fun with you. You're gonna wish you never met me because I gotta tell you I gave you everything fucking everything trust sex psychological bullshit. I gave you fucking everything and you know what autism on the Spectrum all that fucking bullshit is that it's bullshit.
-I think you were too immature to handle what I can give you and you laid on yourself by being a fucking pussy and that's bullshit because I know you better than that. Why can't you just own that you need to communicate better
-I will constantly call you until I have an answer. That's the bottom line. Don't be a fucking pussy.
-Do you like women to chase you because you were fucked up? Do you really like that or do you like togive amends so it could be done?
-I will keep calling because I want an answer because I am not a fucking pussy. I want to hear it from you.
-You by far are the biggest shit that I've ever ever known. Well played the biggest fucking shit I've ever known.
-I use your white T-shirt to pick up dog shit and it made me feel happy. Isn't it cool that I can text you and you can't respond to me talking about bullshit.
-It totally sucks to be you lol I'm loving this and if you never read it, I'm still loving it
-I'm gonna have so much fun with you. You're gonna wish you never met me because I gotta tell you I gave you everything fucking everything trust sex psychological bullshit. I gave you fucking everything and you know what autism on the Spectrum all that fucking bullshit is that it's bullshit.
-You like the fat girlfriend because it makes you feel skinny and being with someone who's not fat makes you feel insecure
-I think I'm done with you for now enjoy and there is a feed for our text messages just so you know it's awesome
-I think that you just don't think and now there is no way of you to contact me thank you you did this. And I shot those emails out about mom and dad. Do I know where they live fuck no I wanted to get your attention. You chose to read them to use it against me.
-That makes me really sad and yes, I said things to get your goddamn fucking attention And you take it personally although you know me I don't even know mom and dad's address you fucking think about it. You dumb bitch OK use autism as an excuse. You're a dumb bitch autistic people think clearly.

• I totally get it but you didn't tell me you were not an adult and you did a passive aggressive bullshit on me. You know you did. I claim I would be at mom and dad's house I don't even have their fucking address you idiot fucking Idiot, I was trying to get you to talk to me New York and yeah, you really should I believe that

-And you know what your daughter yes I said that fuck your daughter. You need to get her permission to do shit fucking grow up.
-Yes, I lashed out because you didn't talk to me. Yes, to all of the above, but the bottom line is when I love someone I fucking love them and I talk to them, which you did not because you were a fucking pussy, so prove me wrong
-For the record, we could never be more than friends if this is how you handle stress, not my jam at all, but I can certainly be your friend. Do you have a whole lot more growing up to do or a whole lot more realizing your disability in terms of being autistic and on the spectrum.
-I don't care if you're autistic or not you're not fucking stupid, that's passive aggressive Berni and fucking deal with it that was wrong and that was mean you were mean and yes, I lost my shit because I didn't know what was going on

Signs of Autism?
My bf's daughter is 3.3

• is speech delayed and already in therapy for that. She just recently started saying "Grandma" and "Grandpa" correctly. Even after several months is still not able to say my first name. When she wants something mostly starts making small screams instead of asking for it (she is definitely able to communicate it with words) and only recently started asking with words for help. Still babbles quite a lot and makes animal noises very often and acts like she is this animal
  
• is not interested in other children and recently screamed at other kids in a museum to "Go away". At a birthday party mostly played by herself and interacted with others only when they initiated it. Did not seemed to know who the birthday girl is. Never talks about other kids from her daycare or what she did all day. When her cousins are visiting, mostly does not play together with them.
  
• her doctor said there is not need to worry about her walking, but she stumbles quite often and sometimes walks like she is drunk. When walking down stairs it looks like she is much younger. Is visiting a gymnastic course every week but has poor motoric skills.
  
• does not know how much strength she has and at least ones a day accidently hurts her dad or me. Is still throwing stuff quite a lot and for example threw a shoe in my face yesterday (her dads shoe, he wanted to put it on but she kept running away from him and hiding it) Or recently scratched me through the face/eyes when I tried to put her in her car seat, even tough she told me that I should do that. Often tries to hit you in the face or uses toys to poke your eyes.
  
• likes licking weird stuff (feet, chairs, frozen laminated tofu) and gets upset when told that other people don't like to be licked by her. Still puts a lot of different stuff in her mouth and chews on it.
  

Sometimes spits on the floor, because she saw someone do that in a movie.

• Eats basically the same thing every day. Is not interested in a strawberry for example in the morning, even tough she loves them. Starts being interested again in the afternoon. (Only eats specific foods during specific hours)

Breakfast in the last seven months has been mostly bread with butter, lunch dry spaghetti and dinner cucumber, strawberry, cheese and sometimes bread without anything on it. Is obsessed with ice cream and starts screaming when not allowed to have it for breakfast.
Never heard her saying she is hungry. Sometimes says when she is "done" with eating, but it's mostly just possible to see that because she starts spitting it on the floor or throwing it.

• wants hugs etc...but during a meltdown does not want to be touched. When having slept half an hour not enough, has meltdowns all day long (every five to ten minutes)
  
• listens to her name occasionally but it's hard to get her attention.
  
• laughs when other people get hurt
  
• wants to watch the same short clip, several times in a row//does the same action during roleplay over and over again (for hours)
  
• has a meltdown when walking the dog, because he is not taking the route she wants to go, (unexpected new route)//pulls his tail
  
• getting somewhere, being somewhere and going away from somewhere is always stressful. She doesnt wanna go, put on her clothes and is always running away and when we finally get somewhere it's stressfull too. Then she runs away too. When we want to go, the meltdowns start again.
  

These past 2 years have been brutal, it's been L after L with no break.
I feel like a mouse in a maze that every time it approaches the exit is dragged back to the start by a hand from the sky.
It doesn't matter how much I try, the outcome is always the worst possible one.
I've gone from agnostic to full on believer because I don't think someone can be this unlucky without some almighty being involved in it.
I now fully believe God exists and either:

1. He is actively punishing me
2. He has left me stranded

   
Will keep it short since I know you hoes like reading this kind of shit:
 
Around 2 years ago I was leasing a horse, and giving it my all, I was earning an entry-level salary in a comfy remote work living with my parents. Keeping the horse was costing me pretty much my full salary. I didn't go out and did anything except lifting, running, riding and working.
For almost a year I was the happiest I had ever been, I literally jumped out of bed excited to live the day, I would work 8-4, lift in my home gym and go visit my horse, either riding, or just being with him, during the time I had him I didn't go a single day without seeing him.
Of course living like this means that I don't have the most social life or friends circle, but I didn't care since every hour of my life was busy.
My plan for the year was training and competing and then in September changing jobs and buying the horse, but in July the horse was injured, I didn't get the best veterinary advice and didn't know what to do, I was being drained for a horse I couldn't even ride or enjoy, after all those months of hard work and discipline, for some reason the owner got mad, and petty sold him behind my back.
During this time, my highschool best friend started regaining contact and started meeting with me and his gf, they gave me a lot of support during those weeks, against all odds, I nailed an interview for a high-paying job that would've allowed me to buy the horse and maintain it comfortably.
I was still too hurt from what had happened, so I just chilled for a few months, saving money, and hanging out with my friend and his gf, and lifting and running, I was at my physical peak, I was lifting heavier than ever, running faster and longer, I was optimistic for the future, I just needed time to heal and I had the means to do so, social life, earning money and physical activity.
 
Fast forward to December and I receive a cryptic message from my friend's GF saying that she wasn't going to be here for my birthday (we met the previous day) because my dumbass friend just broke up with her.
That basically destroyed my little social life since they were living in the city, and my friend disappeared to be with his new GF.
I tried to comfort her and be there for her (wasn't attracted and even if I were it wouldn't be right to take advantage of the situation).
The months of just working and lifting allowed me to save enough to start looking to buy my own horse, I was still hurting from the whole situation, and being alone, but still I was just lifting heavy, running, walking my dog, keeping myself busy.
In February after trying and vetting some horses, I found one that seemed promising. I bought a very expensive veterinary exam, and he passed it, allegedly, I buy the horse.
 
Long story short, barely 3 weeks into ownership, I started noticing pain and weird stuff that shouldn't be happening since I started with very soft work, a few weeks of going through 3 different vets, and basically the horse had a life-long injury that the first vet didn't catch in the exam, and basically it was done for, I was devastated, I tried some solutions but they we're not effective, it was over.
During those months, my friend's ex-gf started coming to visit me, we slept together (no sex), we talked every day, I gave her presents, one would say what I did was love bombing her, but to me It was just being there giving support, for her it turned into a situationship.
I still had the horse, I couldn't selling him while he was untrained, and I still had a bit of faith in the vet's advice, and then, suddenly, my knee started hurting, I was lucky that in my new job I had private insurance, so I could immediately go to the orthopedist and do an MRI without the long ass waits of the public health care (up to a year for the MRI), and lo and behold, torn meniscus, it rapidly went from "pain while running" to "some days I can't even fucking walk", I had to stop riding, paying my trainer to ride my horse since I needed to sell him, I had to stop running, I had to stop doing any leg gym exercises.
I didn't want to do the surgery since what I read online was very contradictory.
 
Because shit can always get worse, one day I was alone with my parents (we also live with my brother and grandma), and I notice the vibes being off, I ask “what the fuck is your problem?” and they confess that my father doesn’t like my mom anymore, well, not to get into too much detail but since then I’ve had to endure watching my mom cry, they get into arguments all the time, just awful, thing is I was already so drained from my personal bullshit that after the initial shock, It didn’t pain me too much, they just keep living together, although I hear them arguing from time to time.
During those months my ex-friend’s ex-gf kept catching feelings for me, and my autistic ass couldn't really read the situation so I made it worse. Finally she asked me if I was going serious with her or if she could go on about her life. I said that I didn't see her as my partner, and since then she got a boyfriend and our friendship went to shit.
 
I finally sold the horse, my life got extremely bored.
I decided to do the surgery since I couldn't do any of the things I enjoyed, running, riding, whatever, but I had a trip in January with her so I had to postpone it until then, for those months all I could do was going for walks like an old man, and hit the gym (all chest no legs), I was going kinda hard tho, since I knew that during the months of recovery I would lose a lot of muscle and I wanted to go in my best form, during those months I acquired my best physique ever, for the first time, after years of being constant, I liked how my body looked.
The trip was a mistake, she nagged me every minute of it, I could tell she had only gone because it was already paid for, I had postponed the surgery 2 months just to have a horrible weekend.
 
I did the surgery and the first bad news came, they couldn't fix the broken part of the meniscus, so they took it out, this was the worst possible outcome since it would mean a shorter recovery, but the probabilities of arthritis in the future were higher, off to a good start.
2 weeks later I start going to rehab, during those weeks nobody came to visit me, well, my friend did, only to talk shit on his new coworker (during those months he would only message me to talk shit about coworkers or work), nobody else, not the situationship, not my trainer, nobody.
Speaking about the situationship, after the trip, she stopped messaging me, and even replying at all. I thought, well, there it goes, I’ve lost “not being an unopened chat” privilege.
Some boring months of rehab, working the job that I started to dread, and doing the boring ass knee exercises at home, and then, suddenly a glimmer of hope.
 
I start being treated by a “new” physio, but turns out she had been on sick leave for the same reason as me, she tore her meniscus, during those first 3-4 sessions we talked and talked for the whole hour, she was just perfect, around my age, funny, cute, was active, played sports, had a nice body, she lives like 5 minutes walk from my house.
I immediately fell in love like I had never before in my life, and that’s when it came to me, this was it, every bad thing that happened to me has come to this, to meeting this girl, everything made sense, If I had my surgery earlier I would not have met her because she would be on sick leave. My broken meniscus, my lame horse, every bad thing that had happened to me had led me to her.
So I take my autistic ass, and since I felt like we had something cool going on I ask “Hey, I think you’re very interesting and cute and would like to know you better, can I have your number so we can meet and go for a drink some day?” and she actually did give it to me, I asked for her number instead of her IG because I didn’t want to play any game, I thought she wouldn’t give me her number unless she was interested in me, I was ecstatic.
I start texting her and after refusing to meet a few times (with actually convincing excuses) I ask her “Hey if you don't want its fine I won't bother you anymore, just tell me” and she basically told me that she didn’t want to break the physio-patient barrier, I didn’t understand anything but I didn’t want to make it weirder since she is still treating me so I just accepted it.
 
The thing is, I know where she lives, I have to walk past her apartment whenever I go for a walk, drive to town, I get reminded constantly, moving on is very hard, I really thought she was for me, I thought she was finally the reward for all my suffering, but turns out she's just part of the punishment, I legit had a religious revelation, every single bad thing that had happened, God made it so I went and met her, my knee injury, having to sell the horse, losing my friends, no way it was a coincidence.
 
Now that I know that she is not for me, not even as a friend, I have nothing, the knee recovery is not going well, I was supposed to be a-ok in 6 weeks, It’s been 3 months and I still can’t even go for a walk without swelling and pain, I can’t workout because the knee exercises take a long ass time and I feel like they’re not doing shit, I don’t have friends to meet and take my mind off it, every few weeks I have to see my mum weeping around the house because my father is a piece of shit.
 
And to top it all, I just started having similar pain in the good knee, so there is a possibility that even If I hadn’t done shit, it may be injured too, this shit just doesn’t end, it just fucking never ends.
     
TLDR: Everything that has ever given me pleasure or made me happy has been taken away from me. I went from getting out of bed full of hope and enthusiasm to sleeping through my alarms because the only thing I can do is sit in front of a screen. I’ve been having the worst day of my life every day for the past 2 years, after everything I’ve worked hard for and all the sacrifices I’ve made.

These past 2 years have been brutal, it's been L after L with no break.
I feel like a mouse in a maze that every time it approaches the exit is dragged back to the start by a hand from the sky.
It doesn't matter how much I try, the outcome is always the worst possible one.
I've gone from agnostic to full on believer because I don't think someone can be this unlucky without some almighty being involved in it.
I now fully believe God exists and either:

1. He is actively punishing me
2. He has left me stranded

   
Will keep it short since I know you hoes like reading this kind of shit:
 
Around 2 years ago I was leasing a horse, and giving it my all, I was earning an entry-level salary in a comfy remote work living with my parents. Keeping the horse was costing me pretty much my full salary. I didn't go out and did anything except lifting, running, riding and working.
For almost a year I was the happiest I had ever been, I literally jumped out of bed excited to live the day, I would work 8-4, lift in my home gym and go visit my horse, either riding, or just being with him, during the time I had him I didn't go a single day without seeing him.
Of course living like this means that I don't have the most social life or friends circle, but I didn't care since every hour of my life was busy.
My plan for the year was training and competing and then in September changing jobs and buying the horse, but in July the horse was injured, I didn't get the best veterinary advice and didn't know what to do, I was being drained for a horse I couldn't even ride or enjoy, after all those months of hard work and discipline, for some reason the owner got mad, and petty sold him behind my back.
During this time, my highschool best friend started regaining contact and started meeting with me and his gf, they gave me a lot of support during those weeks, against all odds, I nailed an interview for a high-paying job that would've allowed me to buy the horse and maintain it comfortably.
I was still too hurt from what had happened, so I just chilled for a few months, saving money, and hanging out with my friend and his gf, and lifting and running, I was at my physical peak, I was lifting heavier than ever, running faster and longer, I was optimistic for the future, I just needed time to heal and I had the means to do so, social life, earning money and physical activity.
 
Fast forward to December and I receive a cryptic message from my friend's GF saying that she wasn't going to be here for my birthday (we met the previous day) because my dumbass friend just broke up with her.
That basically destroyed my little social life since they were living in the city, and my friend disappeared to be with his new GF.
I tried to comfort her and be there for her (wasn't attracted and even if I were it wouldn't be right to take advantage of the situation).
The months of just working and lifting allowed me to save enough to start looking to buy my own horse, I was still hurting from the whole situation, and being alone, but still I was just lifting heavy, running, walking my dog, keeping myself busy.
In February after trying and vetting some horses, I found one that seemed promising. I bought a very expensive veterinary exam, and he passed it, allegedly, I buy the horse.
 
Long story short, barely 3 weeks into ownership, I started noticing pain and weird stuff that shouldn't be happening since I started with very soft work, a few weeks of going through 3 different vets, and basically the horse had a life-long injury that the first vet didn't catch in the exam, and basically it was done for, I was devastated, I tried some solutions but they we're not effective, it was over.
During those months, my friend's ex-gf started coming to visit me, we slept together (no sex), we talked every day, I gave her presents, one would say what I did was love bombing her, but to me It was just being there giving support, for her it turned into a situationship.
I still had the horse, I couldn't selling him while he was untrained, and I still had a bit of faith in the vet's advice, and then, suddenly, my knee started hurting, I was lucky that in my new job I had private insurance, so I could immediately go to the orthopedist and do an MRI without the long ass waits of the public health care (up to a year for the MRI), and lo and behold, torn meniscus, it rapidly went from "pain while running" to "some days I can't even fucking walk", I had to stop riding, paying my trainer to ride my horse since I needed to sell him, I had to stop running, I had to stop doing any leg gym exercises.
I didn't want to do the surgery since what I read online was very contradictory.
 
Because shit can always get worse, one day I was alone with my parents (we also live with my brother and grandma), and I notice the vibes being off, I ask “what the fuck is your problem?” and they confess that my father doesn’t like my mom anymore, well, not to get into too much detail but since then I’ve had to endure watching my mom cry, they get into arguments all the time, just awful, thing is I was already so drained from my personal bullshit that after the initial shock, It didn’t pain me too much, they just keep living together, although I hear them arguing from time to time.
During those months my ex-friend’s ex-gf kept catching feelings for me, and my autistic ass couldn't really read the situation so I made it worse. Finally she asked me if I was going serious with her or if she could go on about her life. I said that I didn't see her as my partner, and since then she got a boyfriend and our friendship went to shit.
 
I finally sold the horse, my life got extremely bored.
I decided to do the surgery since I couldn't do any of the things I enjoyed, running, riding, whatever, but I had a trip in January with her so I had to postpone it until then, for those months all I could do was going for walks like an old man, and hit the gym (all chest no legs), I was going kinda hard tho, since I knew that during the months of recovery I would lose a lot of muscle and I wanted to go in my best form, during those months I acquired my best physique ever, for the first time, after years of being constant, I liked how my body looked.
The trip was a mistake, she nagged me every minute of it, I could tell she had only gone because it was already paid for, I had postponed the surgery 2 months just to have a horrible weekend.
 
I did the surgery and the first bad news came, they couldn't fix the broken part of the meniscus, so they took it out, this was the worst possible outcome since it would mean a shorter recovery, but the probabilities of arthritis in the future were higher, off to a good start.
2 weeks later I start going to rehab, during those weeks nobody came to visit me, well, my friend did, only to talk shit on his new coworker (during those months he would only message me to talk shit about coworkers or work), nobody else, not the situationship, not my trainer, nobody.
Speaking about the situationship, after the trip, she stopped messaging me, and even replying at all. I thought, well, there it goes, I’ve lost “not being an unopened chat” privilege.
Some boring months of rehab, working the job that I started to dread, and doing the boring ass knee exercises at home, and then, suddenly a glimmer of hope.
 
I start being treated by a “new” physio, but turns out she had been on sick leave for the same reason as me, she tore her meniscus, during those first 3-4 sessions we talked and talked for the whole hour, she was just perfect, around my age, funny, cute, was active, played sports, had a nice body, she lives like 5 minutes walk from my house.
I immediately fell in love like I had never before in my life, and that’s when it came to me, this was it, every bad thing that happened to me has come to this, to meeting this girl, everything made sense, If I had my surgery earlier I would not have met her because she would be on sick leave. My broken meniscus, my lame horse, every bad thing that had happened to me had led me to her.
So I take my autistic ass, and since I felt like we had something cool going on I ask “Hey, I think you’re very interesting and cute and would like to know you better, can I have your number so we can meet and go for a drink some day?” and she actually did give it to me, I asked for her number instead of her IG because I didn’t want to play any game, I thought she wouldn’t give me her number unless she was interested in me, I was ecstatic.
I start texting her and after refusing to meet a few times (with actually convincing excuses) I ask her “Hey if you don't want its fine I won't bother you anymore, just tell me” and she basically told me that she didn’t want to break the physio-patient barrier, I didn’t understand anything but I didn’t want to make it weirder since she is still treating me so I just accepted it.
 
The thing is, I know where she lives, I have to walk past her apartment whenever I go for a walk, drive to town, I get reminded constantly, moving on is very hard, I really thought she was for me, I thought she was finally the reward for all my suffering, but turns out she's just part of the punishment, I legit had a religious revelation, every single bad thing that had happened, God made it so I went and met her, my knee injury, having to sell the horse, losing my friends, no way it was a coincidence.
 
Now that I know that she is not for me, not even as a friend, I have nothing, the knee recovery is not going well, I was supposed to be a-ok in 6 weeks, It’s been 3 months and I still can’t even go for a walk without swelling and pain, I can’t workout because the knee exercises take a long ass time and I feel like they’re not doing shit, I don’t have friends to meet and take my mind off it, every few weeks I have to see my mum weeping around the house because my father is a piece of shit.
 
And to top it all, I just started having similar pain in the good knee, so there is a possibility that even If I hadn’t done shit, it may be injured too, this shit just doesn’t end, it just fucking never ends.
     
TLDR: Everything that has ever given me pleasure or made me happy has been taken away from me. I went from getting out of bed full of hope and enthusiasm to sleeping through my alarms because the only thing I can do is sit in front of a screen. I’ve been having the worst day of my life every day for the past 2 years, after everything I’ve worked hard for and all the sacrifices I’ve made.

I (21M, not diagnosed with anything) have this strong aversion towards the “almost perfect.”
One of the ways this manifests itself is in “good and bad” numbers. Some examples of good numbers in my mind are: 10, 27, 88, 642. Examples of bad numbers: 1, 34, 99, 554, 1,001. However, if say, 27 and 88 were in the same sentence/context, they would both be bad numbers. You’re probably very confused right now, so I’ll try to explain to the best of my ability. The number 1 is only good to me if it represents what I view as a “whole” number (I know the term whole number means something different in a mathematical context), which are 10, 100, 1,000, etc. The reason why 1 as in just the number 1 is bad to me is because it is too close to 0. Since 0 represents absolute nothingness, I view it as THE perfect number. 1 irks me because it’s so close to the perfect number, 0, but not quite there. This same reasoning applies to 101, 1,001, etc. as well anything involving the number 9 due to it being 1 off from 10. The other type of numbers that annoy me are numbers such as 34, or 554. Both of these numbers disturb me due to the fact that they contain numbers that are 1 off from each other. (3 and 4, 4 and 5) 554 also irritates me due to the fact it is 1 off from being a “perfect 3.” (555) When two numbers are in a sentence together, they must be vastly, or at least considerably (depending on the context) different from each other. I can’t handle numbers that end in numbers 1 off from each other (e.g. 27 and 88) being seen together.
So what problems does this cause me? If I need to go somewhere, say work, and my phone is on charge and it is at 71%, I will wait until it gets to 72% before I take it off charge and leave the house, even if it means I’m late to work. Something that constantly happens to me is I’ll look at the time on my phone, either intentionally or unintentionally, and it will be a “bad” number, now I have to constantly check the time over and over again to make sure I view it when it becomes a “good” number. This is because when I see a bad number I get this feeling like it has “dirtied” my eyes and I need to “cleanse” my eyes by looking at a good number.
Another issue is with comments on social media, I’m using TikTok as an example because that’s what I use the most but you can visualise Instagram instead if you are unfamiliar with TikTok. When there are a lot of replies to a comment it will display as “view [number] replies.” With TikTok it used to be that if you tapped it, it would show 3 more more replies, and so on, reducing the [number] by 3 each time. However this has recently changed to revealing 3 more replies the first time you tap, and then 8 more for each time after, which is causing me even more issues. Anyways, if it reads “view 392 replies” that is obviously a bad number, so I’ll tap it once and it will become “view 389 replies,” which is still a bad number so I keep tapping it until it becomes a good number. What complicates things further, though, is my need for all the numbers displayed on my screen to be harmonious with each other. So I will spend ridiculous amounts of time trying to make all these numbers perfect.
For a more real world example, if I’m putting a book on a table, I will intentionally avoid trying to place it parallel/perpendicular to the table’s edges. Now, if there were a way for me to guarantee I was placing this book at an exact 0°/90° angle, I would do so in a heartbeat. However, this is impossible, so what I instead do is I place it and very random angle (but NOT approximately 45°) to eliminate the chances of the book being, say, 1° off from being parallel to the edge of the table.
I also do some more, I guess… typical OCD things. I constantly recheck things are turned off/locked. A big, but stupid, thing for me is being convinced light switches will somehow turn themselves back on after I turn them off, so I have to make sure I press extra hard when turning lights off so they don’t magically turn themselves on. I do everything left to right, such as repeated clicking my fingers in a specific pattern (left pinky, right pinky, right ring, left ring, left middle, right middle, right pointer, left pointer, both thumbs at the same time), putting shoes on, and stepping on new surfaces. (e.g. carpet to wood, footpath to road) If I’m walking up/down stairs I will always take the first step with my left foot, if it so happens that the amount of stairs in the staircase forces me to step off with my right foot I will do a kind of shuffle to make sure I’m stepping onto the new floor with my left foot first. This causes other issues with the amount of time each foot makes contact with the floor, how hard I press each foot on the floor, etc. I spend a lot of time shuffling around in place trying to “even out” my feet. Don’t even get me started on cracks in the footpath, shadows, multi-coloured tiles, etc.
But what happens if I don’t meet these conditions my brain has imposed upon me? I don’t feel as if I will die as result of this, but I feel anxiety over the thought of dying for some other reason and leaving behind unfixed numbers, misplaced books, a foot that touched the ground more than the other, whatever. I could die at any moment—this is a fact—I could get in a car accident, have an aneurysm, or be murdered. If that happens there won’t be a chance to fix all those things.
I’m pretty damn sure I have OCD, I just have some… oddly specific obsessions, and probably some other stuff mixed in. I just don’t want to tell a doctor all this and have them look at me crazy because they don’t understand what I’m talking about. Plus I’m way worse at explaining these things in real life.

So, I(29F) talked to my brother (25M) But first to answer the question as to why I did it & not our parents. Our mom is currently in another state for work. The people in the house are A, K(F20s?) & our stepdad. A doesn't talk to our stepdad & he just hangs up or doesn't answer when Mom calls. He's an asshole, & I am the only person he will actually talk to.
So for the update:
I talked to A about his relationship. He said he is head over heels, this is it, the person he is going to marry. I was already married by 25 so I can't tell him much against it, but my husband & I were also together for 4 years by that point. We talked about his finances. He was making good money with minimal bills before he moved her in & had a lot in savings. It was far more expensive to take care of 2 people than he thought. If he'd kept his savings it might not have been so bad but he was sending K over $500+ a month for her own bills & wants before she even moved in. This ate his savings w/o him realizing. He had apparently taken on some major debt to pay for her because she was in college, but he says she hasn't done any of the work for this term since moving in. She owed a major debt, as well as her car payments & subscriptions to random things. One of the bills is a medical bill for her birth control. He encouraged her to get it & checks it periodically, making sure to remind her to take it as well as taking measures on his own. I think the realization of how expensive life is knocked the wind out of his family starting sails. (They've also been together less than a year.) A states that K is uncomfortable in groups but is a social butterfly as long as she has a comfort person. She has apparently marked C (M19) as a comfort person & that is why she sends A away in social situations because he really doesn't wanna be there. I talked to C & she makes him extremely uncomfortable, she follows him around, only talks to him, asks for his vape, & C felt she was flirting. A was surprised when I told him this because K was apparently not picking up on the signs while everyone but those 2 were.
K is going back home in 2 weeks for family stuff, so anything to do with the house is moot. She will (probably) be back around Christmas. Her leaving also coincides with our mother coming home, but A states that isn't the reason she is leaving. (Which the rest of us don't really believe.) I had a VERY firm, tough love discussion with A about finances. I told him if he keeps missing payments the truck will be fully put in his name, all the interest will go up, & he will lose his truck. After K goes home, he is giving her a set time to find a job & provide confirmation thay she is actively seeking a job. After the set time, he will remove himself from all of her bills & they will be her exclusively again. He will not return to giving her excess amount of money month, he can't afford it. The idea between them was to independently save their money & after returning they would look for an apartment together.
A claims to really love his dog that claims of her care are exaggerated. I will be having others check in for me, right now she is staying with him. I have already warned A that if she is being neglected, my husband & I will take her.
I really want my brother to be happy. While I'm hesitant on if this is the right girl, I won't tell him how to live his life. But the people who have had exposure to her over the last few months, besides my mom & stepdad, don't think it's going to last once the money stops. So that concludes the events of this weekend. I've done my eldest sibling duty, I'm not sticking my nose into it anymore unless he asks for my advice.
Tldr: Talked to brother, GF is moving back home soon to get job. Warned him of consequences of not making his truck payment and financing her lifestyle. He's having her get a job at home or it's a breakup. She might be back at the end of the year, but only time will tell.

Hey yall I need some advice on how to handle this. So for last year it has been nothing but drama with my brother. First when he told is his ex was pregnant we was not really yippee excited but more less "are you ready to be a dad and no longer think about just yourself" Yada Yada. Now we never had a bad feelings with the baby mama so we asked hey is there anything you need, do you want me to go the doctor with you so you won't be alone, she never responded. Months later of us asking but getting told nothing or she had the appointment when my brother out of town so he didn't know anything. My mom asked "Son, I'm seeing red flags with this. She's not telling you anything and when you ask about the baby she gets mad at you. None of the appointments are when you are here. Is she really pregnant?" That made my brother say that my mom is longer his mother, she's nothing, she is worthless and she's dead to him. Apparently the baby mama read my brother's text and got her feelings hurt. So after I cussed him out about not disrespecting my mom and if his baby mama refuses to let mom explain the reason why she said that, it's on him to explain it. Fast forward to now the baby mama still refuses (when it's inconvenient for her) to be around me and my mom. I keep asking what can we do to fix the issue so I can be there with my niece and help out. My brother continues to say it's no issues. The other day my brother and mom got into argument because mom asked to buys gates for his kitchen to keep the dog out instead of boxes that it can knock over. He said no and that mom needs to get some therapy for her fear of dogs because he's not moving the dogs just for her. That pissed my mom off because she was willing to stay in the kitchen and be caged in instead of the dog so it can be free. Mom said "if I need therapy your baby mama does too because if she says she has anxiety every time being around me but refuses to say what issue is and keeps you away from your family" they had their argument ending him saying don't ever contact him again and she will never see the baby again. I came in just trying to figure out both sides. So I called my brother. Now I only get mad very rarely and when I get mad I get mad. When I was talking my brother I was calm and talked it out. He said "mom said xyz and was pissed you know" I said "yeah I understand mom was trying to Yada yada". Eventually it got to the point of him keep cutting me off saying he doesn't need to explain shit to me. I got upset and raised my voice and said you're not going to keep cutting me off I was respectful to you and you will do the same to me. He hung up on me. Few minutes later he called back asked "are you feeling better now?" I sighed and explained that this last year was hell for me. My father is the hospital, I have to take of my little sister now, I'm already a caregiver, the baby drama is hell AND I'm in medical school so forget him. He said "well it has nothing to do with my woman so you have to get over it" I told him I don't like his baby mama but I respect and love her because she went through hell to bring my niece in this world he said since I don't like the mother of his child I'm no longer allowed to see my niece. I'm just hurt and have so many emotions right now.

I am a 23 year old student, and I have a problem that I have been trying to fix for some time now with no success, so I am turning here for some suggestions :3
Generally speaking, I have a problem holding thoughts for more than 2 seconds. The feeling of the thought exists, but its foggy & unclear and then I just lose the thought and can't recall it again or I say something automatically and it sounds incoherent.
I have a problem remembering sentences that people tell me and its not that I tap out from the conversation. It occurs even if I am fully concentrated on the conversation and genuinely curious.
When I study for an exam for example, even by waking up early, studying first thing in the morning, applying cognitive load trying to understand concepts, actively recalling information and relating it to other information (doing it consistently everyday), I still have a difficulty really "knowing" the information. The information sort of floats in my mind but it cannot be extracted at the right time and sometimes I feel like I know nothing and can't evoke a thought in regards to a particular topic. It's a weird feeling because in cases where I can recall the information I feel like I don't "know" it because I cant apply and use it in real life.
I feel like when I am asked a question and I can't recall an answer, I ask for time to think, and in this time no thinking occurs and then my brain just automatically responds to the question with no real previous thinking. This also leads to an inability to express my emotions in a live conversation. For example, if I have a disagreement with my brother about something, my brain will start shooting answers automatically about how I feel, and it happens because I know I will forget the conversation if I am not going to tell him in the next 2 seconds how I feel and then I will not be able to express my emotions ever. So instead of thinking about truly how I feel I rely on telling him my id responses to which I can't apply any thinking, leading to an unproductive conversation.
I don't know where this problem stems from. I try to optimize all aspects of my life. I don't drink or smoke, I exercise every day, I stay hydrated, I eat well and focus on getting all micro & macro-nutrients, I do meditation (Specifically Ajna chakra + though control atm) and try to socialize.
I wonder if it is due to ADD (which I got diagnosed with although I take medication which actually mildly helps me). Can it be trauma? Although I don't remember anything traumatic happening to me. The most traumatic thing that happened to me might be the death of my dog about 2 years ago to which I was very close to. I am working on processing my emotions, because I have a feeling its an emotional problem rather than a neurological one, although I am not sure.
If anyone has any suggestions I will highly appreciate it :)