Pickle jar up butt breaks

He was dying. I knew it and from the look of panic in his sunken eyes, he did too. And I was angry; no, that’s an understatement. I was livid. Fucking furious. He’s 37 for Christ sake! This kind of shit doesn’t happen to a 37 year old. My mind began to spiral as it had been doing for the last 6 hellish days, jumping from one fevered thought to the next: existential dread at living out the rest of my life without him, wishing I could take his place, all the practical things that surround death like wills, assets, obituaries, funerals.
I can’t do this! I cannot fucking do this! The fear that had been shrieking and flapping around my head, scratching at my mind, settled on my chest, suffocating me with its dead weight.
My mind travelled to the hospital before his surgery. He’d looked too large for the room, sitting on the bed in the blue hospital gown, making weak jokes about how you could see his arse. He was trying to be brave for me but I could see the tense set of his jaw, the way he started any time footsteps approached the room only to quietly exhale in relief when they continued on by. His big hands worried at the hem of his gown and I took them in mine to still them. I raised them to my lips, remembering all the times they’d soothed my aching shoulders, cooked for me, been laced through my hair as he’d kissed me, pulled me to him. I knew them better than I knew my own.
It pained me that now, looking down, I hardly recognised those beautiful strong hands, swollen and puffy with all the fluids from so many IVs, waxen and yellow. Death robs you of all identity: as your senses go one by one, as your body fails, as every organ shuts down and the meat melts from your bones, you look like any other dying person. It’s cruel in it’s slow but inevitable gradualness. A piece of you is sloughed away, then another and another, like the carving of meat until only the gristle remains.
The consultant’s words echoed around me as though he were in the room speaking them once more.
As you know, it’s already spread all through his body…there’d been more, but I hadn’t heard it. I hadn’t known. Had no idea. Spread…spread…spread…body…body…body… The words bounced off our bedroom walls. I thought I saw them take the shape of shadowy birds, careering around the room, rising to the ceiling and swooping low to the ground. Their sharp beaks and glinting talons would tear me to pieces soon enough.
“Shut the fuck up” I said through furiously gritted teeth.
The hallucinations had started on the morning of day 3. Movement caught from the corner of my eye, shadows ominously filling the corners, faces in the cracks and crevices of the room. I was so on edge by then that every sound, real or imagined, made my stomach flip over and my pulse quicken. I’d had to push our dog out into the hallway on day 4 because her snoring sounded to me like the breathing of some sinister beast lying in wait to carve my love from me. She’d taken to sticking her nose and her paws under the door whining to be allowed back in but I ignored the noise as one of many, tuning all of them out and focusing solely on breath: mine and his.
On day 5, I began to smell things. Rotten things, dead things, laced with the odd, salty smell of the ocean and the damp, dark smell of a forest, as ancient as the world, or time itself. The shadows pressed down on me, dark and weighty. That’s also when I started to see it, hunched like a gargoyle, more like a negative space, sucking away light and life, than a presence. Sometimes I thought I saw it squatting in the corner, rocking on its heels, sometimes it grasped at us with greedy hands. In the evening it had begun to circle the bed like a tiger, stalking its prey or maybe more like a shark. The dog, no doubt sensing my fear, began to whimper and bark, scratching so violently that the door strained on its hinges. Sometimes the thing would crawl under the bed out of sight but I still always felt it. When this happened, I was scared to step down to the floor in case I felt its blank hands grasping at my ankles.
By day 6, I had relented and let the dog back in. The noises she made were nothing now compared to the ones my mind was conjuring. Her warm little body on my lap was reassuring and I clutched her to me as a child holds a beloved teddy to stave off the monsters in his closet or under his bed. I knew it was a kind of madness that had taken me then and I knew the cause. The problem is, you have nothing to do but think when you’re waiting for someone to die. Think and plead.
“Please” I muttered for the millionth time “please anyone, anything! Please don’t take him from me.” I placed the sponge once more in the cool bowl of water by our bedside and ran it over his parched lips, gums and tongue. His unseeing eyes, darting from side to side in fear, cleaved my heart in two.
“Hush love” I soothed softly, “it’s ok. I’m here”. I smoothed his sweat-dampened hair and ran my hands over his cheeks, his nose, his mouth, until he closed his eyes and his soft breathing filled the room. His face relaxed infinitesimally as sleep took him but I could feel no relief. Every muscle in my body tensed as I listened for the next breath and the next. The gap between them was a lifetime. I knew the time would come when there would be no next and I knew I would shatter and smash, scattered in ragged shards and everything would be lost.
If only to stop my tense nerves from snapping like a rubber band stretched too thin, I decided to use the time while he was sleeping to do the mundane tasks that needed to be done. I set his phone beside him, as close to his mouth as possible, called it from mine, put in my earbuds to free up my hands so I could go as quickly as possible and, stepping into the hallway to make sure his shallow breathing reverberated in my ears, I set myself to the tasks ahead, freezing in place whenever there was a particularly long pause between breaths, ready to fly back to his side on wings of panic should it not come.
Life should stop at times like these but of course the dog still needed to be fed and let out to the bathroom, I had to force down coffee, the food people kept leaving on my front step had to be retrieved, even if only to sit on the worktop and rot. The nurse would be coming in a couple of hours to check on him, change his IV bags, update his notes etc. I begrudgingly tidied up, throwing the spoiled food, which had begun to attract fat flies, into the bin outside. I sprayed air freshener in every room, hurriedly wiped down surfaces, I even washed myself quickly, cleaned by teeth and dragged a brush through my lank hair.
I returned to the room thinking of the nurse with her sympathetic smiles, her crisp efficiency, the way she’d talk to him in a singsong voice as though he were a child. She’d started to develop a worrying habit of holding me by the shoulders and looking searchingly into my eyes asking,
“And how are you coping?”
Concern would wrinkle her pretty brow. How the fuck did she think I was coping? I always wanted to grab her by the wrist and drag her out of our house but instead I would shrug, give a weak smile and say I was fine and thank her. I had to reassure her, I had to make sure the house looked decent, I had to make her believe that I was coping because I was terrified that they’d take him away from me. I couldn’t let him die in that miserable hospital that reeked of illness and death and bleach and cheap flowers as one of many. I couldn’t. I couldn’t let him die at all! Again I pleaded with I don’t know who not to take him from me. I thought the shadows in the room darkened. I heard a low snarl rise from below. I inched my body closer to him and lay my head on his bony shoulder. The nearness of him still comforting. The dog wriggled forward and rested her head on my hip, sighing a little, the warmth of her thawing the chill of my body only slightly.
I woke with a jolt, fear robbed the breath from my body as I pressed my ear to his cracked lips, holding my breath so as better to hear his. Relief washed over me like a cleansing balm when I heard his whisper of an exhale.
Thank you! I whispered and with a jolt I realised I was talking to it. The creature. I reached for my phone on the bedside table. The nurse would surely be here soon. I cursed as my shaking fingers fumbled, knocking the phone to the floor where it bounced out of sight. Leaning off the bed, I reached down, patting the floor to find it. Unable to, I slid to the floor in one fluid motion. It was nowhere in sight. It must have bounced on the carpet and fallen further under the bed. I began to crawl underneath, feeling in the darkness with outstretched arms.
I’m not really sure how to explain what happened next. If you can imagine the sensation of being pulled and falling at the same time, falling both down and up, squeezing your body through a space that’s too small, darkness pressing down on you like it has weight, I suppose that would approach what I felt.
I landed with a bone-jarring thud that sent shockwaves from my tailbone where it had hit the ground, right up my spine. Groaning, I pulled myself first to me knees then to my feet. The sounds of my movement and the involuntary noises of pain that I made, echoed back to me telling me that wherever I was, it was large. As I walked forward, torches on the walls of the cavern began to illuminate, casting a ghostly glow over an enormous spiral staircase. It was eerily silent, making every step I took sound even louder as it split the air, filling me with an overwhelming sense that I shouldn’t have been there. I imagined eyes watching me, some malevolent presence that wanted me gone from that place, resented my being where I clearly didn’t belong. I began to run, tripping and falling again and again. As I rounded the last corner, I saw him: a figure cloaked and veiled. It was too late to halt my progress, the polished white marble floor was unforgiving and I slid, landing at the hem of his cloak in a way that would have been funny in any other circumstance. His clothes were so fine they could have been woven by spiders; layers and layers shrouded his massive frame and all I could see through that impenetrable veil was two glittering eyes. I couldn’t hold his gaze. I scrambled to my feet one final time and looked down at the floor.
When he spoke, his voice sounded ancient. All the knowledge of millennia was contained in that voice. This was a being who’d seen the birth and death of every human and animal since time began. Every empire as it rose and fell. Every age of the planet, every dawn of a new day.
“Why have you come here, child?” I allowed my gaze to flick back to those eyes, trying to read something there but I could see nothing. He sounded neither angry nor encouraging. His voice was somehow devoid of tone. As blank as his eyes were to me.
“I... I don’t know,” I stammered, “I was under my bed and now... well...” I gestured around as if to show the ludicrousness of my situation. His eyes burned brighter and I looked away again, sensing that I’d said the wrong thing.
“You must be truthful here Alice. There’s no place for lies in this realm. There’s nothing more honest than death.” I shuddered. The truth was I knew why I was there. I knew what that shadow in my room had been. I could have tried to turn around at any point during my descent, go back but I hadn’t. And whilst I'd been pulled into this room involuntarily, hadn’t it been the result of my actions since the day I’d arrived home from the hospital? All my pleading and bargaining? Keeping my lover alive with sheer force of will? So yes, I’d chosen to be here from the second I’d landed and I knew why too. I cleared my throat and though my voice trembled a little, it surprised me with its strength and intensity.
“I’ve come to save a life.” He nodded, the only sign that I had said the right thing.
“If you wish to go on, you must answer a question, a riddle of sorts. Answer correctly and you may continue though I would caution against it. Answer incorrectly and you must go back for I will not let you pass.” Fucking hell so I’m in some kind of underworld quiz show? Luckily I’m good at riddles and I suppose the worst that could happen if I didn’t know the answer was that I’d have to leave. He wasn’t going to eat me or anything. I nodded to show I understood. A great sigh came from him then, causing the veils to flutter. “The more you take, the more you leave behind. What am I?”
The more you take, the more you leave behind... what’s something that could be taken but left. It couldn’t be a physical object could it? No I didn’t think so. Money? No that didn’t make sense. I wracked my brain and suddenly it came to me. The echoes of them had followed me throughout my journey down the staircase.
“Footsteps!” I replied triumphantly. “The more footsteps you take, the more footsteps are left behind but if you’re walking away from something, you’re also leaving things behind. The more you walk away, the more things are left so it’s footsteps!” He nodded again.
“You may continue on then Alice but hear me well, should you continue on this path, what you’re leaving behind is a piece of yourself. Think about that. No one who enters the underworld can return to the world of the living whole. Is this a sacrifice you’re willing to make? You need not take another step. You can go back and accept the natural order of things. All that lives must die. It’s what gives life value. If you continue, you are disrupting that cycle. Think carefully before you choose to go on, before you choose another footstep.”
I didn’t need to think carefully. I knew what I was going to do. I’d known it since the second I’d found out that he was dying. I would do whatever it took to keep him with me. It wasn’t even a choice.
“I’ll go on” I said simply. He stood aside without another word, opening an enormous door. Through the door I saw a lake. It was the deepest blue, surrounded by shores of white sand and so vast that I couldn’t yet see the other side. Lying slightly on its side on the shore was a little boat carved of wood. I could hear strange echoing cries and moans. As I neared the water, I could see figures in its depths. Some were moving and some were lying eerily still. It made me think of the River Stix from Greek Mythology. I could easily believe that these were the souls of the damned swimming the water, trapped for all eternity. I pushed the little boat to the water’s edge, careful not to touch the water itself, and clambered in. Using the oars to push off from the shore, I began to row across the lake. As I rowed further from the shore, I could see a door on the other side and I knew that was my destination. On I continued, the door my only goal, not noticing as a mist began to settle over the lake. The further I rowed, the more the mist thickened, enveloping the boat in an eerie shroud. Suddenly, a haunting melody filled the air, a melancholic tune that tugged at my very soul.
From the depths of the lake emerged a young woman, her ghostly form gliding gracefully across the water's glass-like surface. Her ethereal beauty was mesmerising, her hair and clothing floating around her seemed part of both the mist and the water alike, floating as though she were suspended still in the lake.
With a voice as soft as the sigh of the wind, the maiden beckoned to me, her words a seductive whisper in the stillness of the mist. "Come closer, dear traveller," she murmured. "Let me ease your burdens, let me soothe your troubled heart."
As I drew nearer, I couldn’t help but be drawn by her beauty and sorrow. She spoke of lost loves and broken dreams, the pain of longing and the sweet release of surrender. She could have been speaking my own thoughts aloud. The pain of watching the person I loved most in the world fading away right before my eyes. I’m not sure when I stood up: I only became aware of it when the boat wobbled dangerously, threatening to tip me overboard. I could just go to her; jump overboard and stay with her. Why was I even fighting it? Wouldn’t it be easier? With each stroke of the oars, I felt myself pulled ever closer to the woman’s embrace, my resolve weakening in the face of such overwhelming despair.
As I rowed further into the thickening mist, an oppressive chill settled over me, seeping into my bones like icy tendrils of fear. The once serene waters of the lake now seemed to boil with a malevolent energy, their depths concealing unseen horrors, lurking just beneath the surface.
The haunting melody that emanated from the maiden's lips grew louder, filling the air with a cacophony of pain. My heart pounded in my chest as I struggled to resist the pull of her song, my mind clouded by a suffocating sense of dread. With each stroke of the oars, the mist seemed to close in around me, obscuring my vision and distorting my sense of direction. Shadows danced along the surface of the water, twisting and writhing like spirits greedy to claim my soul.
Suddenly, the maiden's ghostly form loomed before me, her eyes burned with an otherworldly light that sent shivers down my spine. "Come closer, dear traveller," she whispered, her voice dripping with honeyed malice. "Let me show you the true depths of despair."
My breath caught in my throat as I felt myself drawn towards her against my will, my hands trembling as they gripped the oars. I could feel the darkness closing in around me, suffocating me with its oppressive weight. But somewhere deep within me, a flicker of defiance ignited—a primal instinct urging me to fight against that which threatened to consume me. With a guttural cry, I summoned every ounce of strength I possessed, driving the oars through the water with desperate determination.
The boat lurched forward, its wooden frame groaning in protest as I propelled myself away from her monstrous grasp. For a fleeting moment, I caught a glimpse of the terror that lay hidden beneath the surface of the lake—the twisted faces of the damned, their anguished cries echoing through the air. The souls who had been unable to resist her siren’s call, I now knew with certainty and that gave me the strength I needed to break free of the spell that threatened to consume me, to drag me down to the depths with all the other souls before me.
With a final surge of adrenaline, my boat careened towards the distant shore with reckless abandon. As I stumbled onto the sand, gasping for air, I knew that I’d had a narrow escape. Even as I caught my breath, I couldn't shake the feeling that something sinister was still watching me from the depths below—a lurking presence that hungered for my soul and would stop at nothing to claim it. As I turned my gaze towards the open door that lay before me, I knew that I had been foolish. I’d need to have my wits about me if I wanted to make it out of this place at all.
I stepped through the door onto a carpet of twigs and leaves, slimy and putrid. Sap oozed from the gaping maws of gnarled old trees like pus from a festering wound. I pushed myself to my feet, the sounds I made, in the quiet of the wood, too loud, disturbed the birds in the canopy above me. They took to the black sky, screaming as they flew. Spread…spread…spread…body…body…body. The hairs rose on my arms and I knew something was watching me. I was sure it was the creature from the room. I knew its presence now, knew how it felt to be watched and stalked by it.
I spun around, searching the shadows of that wood. The whiplash, echoing snap in the stillness of breaking twigs, whipped me around again and I saw it, squatting once more beside a blackened stump. As I watched, it arched its back and began to rise. Bent deformed limbs straightened in jerky movements with a sound like breaking bones. Here a twisted neck straightened. CRACK! There a bent arm made straight. SNAP! A bowed, hunched back, broke and reformed. Legs once squat and crooked became lithe and fine. Until before me, the same pitch black as before, was the shape of a tall, impossibly slim man. His shoulders proud and square, his arms and legs, long and graceful, his jaw set high and proud. He looked strangely two dimensional as though a gentle gust of wind would blow him away to dance on its breeze with the leaves. As he set off deeper into the forest, it didn’t even occur to me not to follow him. My feet began to move in his direction without my even thinking if I should. Nothing could scare me now. Nothing was more horrifying to me than what was inevitably to come when I would lose my reason for being.
As we walked, the trees thinned and I could see the sky. It was the rich indigo of ink and filled with glittering stars. With the sounds no longer deadened by the forest, I realised that we must be near a beach, for I heard the rush of waves roaring close by, the rhythmic cycle as they lapped the shore, soothing and familiar. Different from the eerie silence and stillness of the lake. I tasted salt in the air. I quickened my steps for he was moving swiftly and my clumsy feet, tripping over tree roots, and stumbling on stones, couldn’t carry me at the same speed.
After some time, I saw him ahead, entering a little house in a clearing, made of wood, with a thatched roof, half looking like the forest was trying to reclaim it. Ivy climbed its walls and a tree was growing inside and bursting through the roof. The birds filled its branches but they were silent now, eyeing me pensively as I stepped out of the trees. I followed him into that weird little house in the middle of the wood, under my bed, where my love lay dying, ducking beneath the low door frame. A woman sat in a rocking chair before a fire which crackled and danced.
I made to leave, thinking I’d somehow made a mistake, but the woman beckoned me forward with a long, withered finger, gesturing to the empty chair beside her. I obeyed, sitting with my knees together, hands clasped, waiting. Her skin, stretched too tight over her skeleton, was stained and papery thin like old parchment. Spidery veins webbed her hands and cheeks and when the light from the fire danced upon her face, it lent a look of such transparency that I fancied I could see the bones of her skull beneath. Her hair was long, thick and white, her eyes black. She smiled a toothless grin that was somehow too big for her face and sent a thousand tiny insects’ feet marching down my spine.
I looked about the small room for the man but he was nowhere in sight. I opened my mouth to ask for him but she silenced me with a look. Her voice when she spoke was dry as the ashes of the fire, old as the forest she dwelled in.
“Why have you come?” She tilted her head at an unnatural angle, resting her ear on her shoulder, the fire spluttered and shrank a little, the room became darker, the shadows more dense. “And before you answer remember: this is no place for lies, selfish one. Lies have consequences in places like this, in the dark places of the world.” She spoke mildly but the warning was plain.
“What is this place?” I asked, deliberately evading her question as I didn’t know what she was or what she wanted. The fire dimmed more, the shadows began to take the shape of human arms and hands, clawing their way from the ceiling down the walls, a wind whistled through the little house, whipping up my hair around me but leaving hers curiously undisturbed.
She tutted. “Even a question can be a lie. Now answer mine, why have you come?” I tried to think of how to respond. A lie and I was sure the shadows would engulf me. But did I want to tell her the truth? A deep, hidden part of me knew the creature I’d been seeing since bargaining and pleading with the darker forces of the world, since keeping him alive by sheer force of my will and nothing more when even he seemed to want to die. I knew why I was here just as I knew the panic and fear in my lover’s eyes hadn’t been for his dying but for my keeping him much longer than I should have. He was scared of me. I decided to be completely honest.
“I’ve come because I won’t let you take him. I’ve come to keep him.” She smiled and nodded slowly as the fire grew and the shadows receded a little.
“Do you know who I am?”
“I think so.” She nodded, encouraging me to answer. “You’re death” I said simply.
“Yes and no. I’m all that was and is and shall be. I’m birth and life and yes death, for you can’t have any one without the other. I’m there when a man lies with a woman, spreads her open and meets her body with his and life begins.”
Spread…spread…spread…body…body…body. Those awful, black birds screamed from the branches of the tree that grew through the roof above us.
“When a woman labours in blood and pain and brings that life into the world. As that child grows and learns and discovers all that life has to offer him. When he becomes a man, when he loves, when he feels loss or joy or incredible sadness. And when his time is done, I claim him back to me, for he was mine all along. I am the harbinger of fate, my love, and your battle is futile. Look at the fire, see what is already writ. There is nothing you can do to change things now. Death is beautiful. Death gives life meaning. Your lover should already be dead.”
She smiled her twisted smile, the squeak of the chair as she rocked back and forward sounded in time with the lapping of the ocean. I turned from her, staring into the fire. As I watched, the dancing flames began to shape themselves into ghostly orange figures: a baby at his mother’s breast, a child taking his first steps, a toddler beating his fists on the floor in frustration, on it continued until I saw the face of my love. The fire marked the milestones of his life. I saw him grow to a gawky teenager, an awkward 20 something yet to properly fill out, skinny and uncoordinated, a man fully grown, broad and strong and good. I saw his face reflected as it had been across the table from me on our first date. Saw the look of love grow in his eyes as time continued to jump forward in little reels, little snapshots. His face as I’d walked down the aisle towards him. All the times we’d made love and laughed and fought and cried, everything we’d shared together. I reached towards his fiery likeness, not caring that it hurt, unconcerned when I smelled the down hairs on my arms beginning to singe. I wanted to crawl into that fire to meet him. When an image of him in the doctor’s surgery flickered before me, I turned away. I’d experienced everything that came after once already, I’d no need to go through it again.
A sob began in the pit of my stomach, clawing its way up my throat, tearing its way free of my mouth to echo in the still air. I covered my face with my hands, not wanting her to see the tears that flowed freely for the first time since the day my world had ended. I’d grown used to hiding my tears. I’d hidden in the bathroom, running the taps so he couldn’t hear me. I’d taken the dog out and broken down as I wandered the streets.
I froze when I felt a weight on my knees. Peering between my hands, I saw that the old woman was resting her hands there, her movements curiously serpentine, she slithered her way up my body, stretching her tongue out towards my face, moaning, a high keening moan. Frozen in fear, I watched the flames flicker across her face, each change of light and shadow showing something new: first her face flashed young, plump and smooth, then hollowed and bare, an incarnation of the skull-like visage of Santa Muerte, then the creature reappeared, twisted and ghastly. A tear landed on her outstretched tongue, hissed and evaporated like water meeting a hot pan. She began to dig her nails into my knees, the moaning growing louder and more guttural as she licked the tears first from my chest then my neck. As she reached my cheeks, I recoiled, pushing her violently away from me, sending the chair crashing to the ground as I scuttled back from her. She lay in a heap on the floor, obsidian eyes reflecting the flames. She raised her head, like a wolf to the moon, opened her mouth and screamed. It was a scream that shook the little house around us. Wider and wider her mouth opened, wider than any human’s, the shadows from the wall were sucked into her gaping mouth, then the birds from the trees, debris from the packed earth floor. I made my escape as the walls of the house began to shudder more violently. Like Orpheus fleeing the underworld, I somehow knew I shouldn’t look back.
I ran blindly through the wood with no thought as to where I was going. The branches grabbed at my clothes and tore at my skin as I stumbled on. I fell hard to the ground over and over, rendering my knees a bloodied mess. Such was my desperation to escape the house in the woods, to escape my fate, that I dragged myself up and when I couldn’t do this quickly enough, I crawled. Anything to continue to propel myself forward. I began to feel a change in the forest floor. I began to feel sand beneath my feet as a ran, the trees thinning, until I found myself looking up at the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen: a permanent solar eclipse. Disoriented and exhausted, my legs gave out under me and I dropped like a stone.
I looked across the sand to the ocean and began to take deep steadying breaths in time to the waves. In…whoosh…out…whoosh…in…whoosh…out…whoosh… My breath became the very water itself. I blew, pushing the water away from me and it retreated from the shore; I sucked in air, drawing the water back to me. Inhale, exhale, ebb and flow. I felt my heart rate begin to slow.
I lay on my back on the sand, gazing up at the celestial phenomenon that occurred within the depths of the underworld, where the sun and moon were locked in a perpetual state of alignment, casting the realm into eternal twilight. In this timeless twilight, shadows reigned supreme, and the boundaries between light and darkness blurred into obscurity; everything felt terrifyingly real and completely imagined all at once somehow. The eternal eclipse, a stark representation of the perpetual struggle between opposing forces, the balance between life and death, and the cyclical nature of existence, was the most awful and awesome thing I had ever seen. I knew it was a realm where the laws of nature were suspended, and reality itself was subject to the whims of cosmic forces beyond mortal comprehension.
As I lay there, the weight of the eclipse bore down upon me like a heavy blanket, suffocating me with its oppressive presence as much as it swaddled me in a protective layer. The air seemed to thicken around me, charged with an otherworldly energy that made my skin prickle with unease.
In the distance, I could hear faint whispers, a voice echoing through the twilight like a distant memory. Its words were incomprehensible, a jumble of murmurs that danced on the edge of my consciousness.
I closed my eyes, trying to shut out the overwhelming sensation of being watched, but even in the darkness behind my eyelids, I could feel somethings gaze upon me, probing and probing until it felt like it was peeling away the layers of my soul. With a shudder, I forced myself to sit up, the sand shifting beneath me as I struggled to find my footing in this strange and unsettling place. The shadows seemed to swirl around me, twisting and contorting into grotesque shapes that leered and taunted me. I had to keep moving, to press on despite the overwhelming sense of dread that threatened to consume me. Something was out there, lurking in the shadows, and from my experiences so far I knew that it could mean me only harm. I wasn’t supposed to be here; I was messing with the natural order of things, I couldn’t stay. I had to finish what I came here to do and then leave.
I pushed myself to my feet, pressing forward through the eerie twilight, the presence near me grew stronger, its influence seeping into every corner of my consciousness. I could feel its tendrils wrapping around my mind, coaxing me with promises of solace and comfort.
And then, suddenly, it happened. In the midst of the swirling shadows, a shimmering veil of light appeared before me, coalescing into the form of a breathtakingly beautiful scene. Before my eyes I saw the most beautiful meadow, filled with flowers of every colour. Fat bumblebees flew lazily, weaving drunkenly from flower to flower. I saw my lover standing there, whole and healthy, bathed in the warm glow of an unseen sun. My heart leaped with joy at the sight, tears of relief streaming down my cheeks as I reached out to touch him, to feel the warmth of his embrace once more. I ran to him and he caught me in his strong arms. I kissed every inch of his beautiful face and laughed as he spun me around and around, the meadow blurring into streaks of green. We fell to the grass laughing, giddy with the joy of being together. I pressed my face into his neck and inhaled deeply, then I froze. He didn’t smell like him... he smelled... wrong. I knew his scent better than anyone’s, that scent was home to me.
“You’re not him” I whispered and as I did, he began to fade a little, his outline becoming blurred, his body less firm under my touch.
"No!" I cried, my voice choked with emotion. "Please, don't go!" But the vision of my lover remained silent, his expression frozen in a hauntingly serene smile. And then, with a heart-wrenching cry, he vanished into the ether, leaving me alone in the darkness once more.
In that moment, I knew the truth. This place had woven a spell of false hope, luring me into its trap with the promise of a happiness that could never be. And as beautiful as the dream was, I couldn’t stay in it because it wasn’t real, no matter how much I wished it were. I wouldn’t settle for some imitation of him. I wanted the real him, his smile, his smell, his bad and his good. Nothing more or less would do.
I walked down the beach, tears blurring my vision and I came upon a twilit cove. Under the cloak of night, the cove glimmered with a spectral light, the water casting eerie shadows that danced along the shoreline. The ethereal glow of the moon softly illuminated the beach in a silvery hue that seemed to emanate from the very sand itself. The black sky above was now a canvas of sparkling stars, while the surface of the ocean was a vast expanse of liquid darkness that seemed to swallow that glittering sky whole. The sound of the ocean in the stillness of the night was a whisper, a haunting melody, beckoning me to the water's edge. As I gazed out at the horizon, the line between sky and sea blurred into obscurity, leaving me feeling adrift in a dreamscape of shimmering light and shadow.
At the water's edge, Death finally appeared to me, a towering, spectral figure cloaked in darkness, wielding a scythe made of pure shadow. Guardian of the threshold between the realms of the living and the dead, its job to ensure that none would pass without facing its judgment. His eyes gleamed like polished obsidian, reflecting the light of the stars with an eerie intensity. As I approached, I felt the weight of my own soul being scrutinised by Death's penetrating gaze. The Reaper stood at the water's edge, scythe poised against the sand, waiting patiently for me to reach him.
I stood beside him, my bare feet soothed by the warmth of the ocean. I didn’t need to speak. He knew why I’d come. In this silver, glittering land, there was a peace to be found, but I didn’t care. I had come to take what I saw as mine.
“You owe me a life,” he said without judgement or malice.
“No, I don’t.”
“Then you owe me a death.”
“I owe you nothing.”
“People die every day,” he shrugged a little at this and I felt my anger rise.
“He’s worth fifty of those people”
“Hmmm.”
“Take me instead.” It was a desperate plea but not one I made lightly. I would happily give my life if it meant he could live. I knew that the second I’d found out he was ill. I’d known through my whole journey what I was prepared to offer.
“That’s not a fair trade if he’s worth fifty of anyone else.” He smiled faintly. I was angry at myself for walking into a trap that I’d set but then I analysed his words again and realised there was hope yet.
“But… you would trade though? If the trade were fair I mean.”
“I would?” he turned to me for the first time. He was handsome. His jaw chiselled and strong, a kind look in his soft brown eyes.
“Well that’s what I’m asking you, would you?”
“Would I what?” I tutted in frustration.
“You know what I’m asking.” I was losing patience with this stupid game.
“I do, but if you’re really proposing this awful thing, you must ask for it. I know what you’re asking, yes, but do you?”
“Would you accept a trade of fifty souls for his?”
“It’s not really a trade as all souls fall to me eventually, it’s just a matter of when really. It doesn’t much matter to me.”
“It matters to me!” I was infuriated again, if he didn’t care when people died, why couldn’t he just leave this one person! If it mattered so little to him, what was the harm!?
“I know,” he sighed then, his handsome brow creasing a little.
“But if it matters to you so little and to me so much, why take him now? Why not let him stay longer?”
“There are ways of things. Ways that even I cannot change. You’ve already upset things with your refusal to let him go. The balance is off. It must be righted.”
“If it’s just about balance then why not just take a different life? Mine for his? Anyone’s for his? Like for like.”
“Because it’s not like for like. Your soul is tarnished now. And even then, it can’t be like for like. You are asking for something terrible. There must be a cost. You already assigned the cost so if you really wish for this, you must pay it.”
“What must I do? Must I…I take the lives myself?”
“No,” he chuckled, “nothing so tawdry as that. There’s power in words, desperate ones like this, in the tales we tell, the stories we share.”
“I…I don’t understand what you mean.”
“Tell the story of what happened here. Of your love. Of the forest and the ocean. Of what you have done. Spread the word to everybody you can. From those that hear, I’ll choose who will pay your debt.” Spread...spread...spread....body...body...body
“How will you choose? Will you take good people? Or bad people?”
“Why are you asking this, Alice? Would my answer stop you? Would it change your mind?”
“No, I suppose it wouldn’t.”
“Then why burden yourself with the details?”
I nodded agreement then hesitated a little. “You won’t... you won’t take children, will you?”
He smiled but said nothing.
“You won’t,” I reassured myself.
“It’s time to go now, little one, for you can’t stay here. Shake my hand to say the bargain is struck.” He stretched out his hand towards mine and I hesitated once again. “You can change your mind, you know.”
I reached out and clasped his hand in mine. I felt the same sensations of coming here but oddly reversed. I was being pushed this time, I was taking flight.
And so I was back in my room, back on my bed and back with him. I couldn’t tell anyone I loved what had happened because Death said he would take souls from those who heard my tale. I told a man at the bus stop and he dropped dead before my eyes. I told a woman in the shops and the same thing happened. Now I’m posting here to spread the story to more people and get the souls I need. I don’t feel good about it. I’m sorry to anyone who reads this, I really am. But you might not be chosen. And even if you are, trust me when I say that you’re doing something very worthwhile. He’s a good man. He doesn’t deserve what has happened to him. But I’m sure you don’t give a fuck about any of that so all I can really say is... I’m sorry, I guess, as inadequate as that is. I am. I really am.

Trigger warning for mentions of suicide and drug abuse.
Hello, this is my first post here but I've been lurking for a while. Thank you to the mods for giving me permission to post.
My story is gonna be VERY long and disorganized. My apologies.
You can look at my post history for an unsent letter I wrote with a shorter and more personal account of the events that I wrote with my BP in mind as a recipient, I lay out my remorse in more detail over there, but I'll lay out a more objective timeline of events here with my feelings at the end. Be warned that it's 100% biased, but I will try to lay down the facts and only mention my feelings where relevant.
My BP and I were in a long-distance relationship across diffrrent continents for two years. We met over the internet through common fandoms. This relationship lasted around 2014ish-2016, and we were both young (I was 18 in 2014, they were 21). Towards the end of our relationship I was having a lot of trouble with my family and BP was busy with their own life, so we drifted apart.
My eventual AP was a long-time friend that I confided in a lot during this period. Interactions were also over the internet, but at the time they were more accessible to talk to because we were in the same timezone. BP and AP don't know each other.
Realizing I was starting to develop feelings for AP, I went to message BP. I went in fully intending to talk to them about the crush I had on AP, but BP was the one to suggest breaking up before I could even touch on those feelings. Being the coward that I was, I just kept my mouth shut. Pretty soon after I confided in AP about the breakup, and sometime soon after we started dating.
BP caught wind of this (it was the savvy thing to put the @ of your partner on your bio back then, I was stupid enough to put AP's there) and rightfully got mad at me, calling me a cheater for dating someone new so soon. As mentioned I was a big coward, so rather than discussing things with BP and letting them vent their rightful anger towards me I just blocked them and ran away.
I felt justified that I did nothing wrong, because I didn't act on my feelings with AP while BP and I were together, so at the time I chalked it up to BP being weird and kept dating AP. I was a sheltered kid and had no concept of emotional cheating. I recognize now that I was naive at best, and a complete asshole at worst. I believe I was the latter.
I managed to stay unaffected by it in the upcoming months, I was in the honeymoon phase with AP early on and then my father killed himself late 2016, a month or two after D-day. My mother also developed a crippling drug addiction that took up most of my headspace for the next few years.
Sometime after my dad's death I broke up with AP to focus on myself and essentially lived like a zombie the next few years. I didn't think about relationships— only my mother, schooling, and eventual job. D-day and BP became the least of my concerns. Eventually I started going to therapy and really started working on myself. Right before the pandemic I found a new partner who I've been with for the past 5 years, but bear in mind that at this point I still haven't gotten back to the part of my brain that compartmentalized what happened with BP. It's unfathomable to me now, but at the time it was like my mind just wouldn't let me remember with everything else going on.
Fast forward to 2023, and my mom unfortunately succumbs to the drug addiction and passes away. I spent most of last year going to therapy and coming to terms with things mostly on my own (I'm an only child and am estranged from much of my family). I've now made my peace with the hangups I have about my parents and allowed myself to live my own life on my own terms, and with this newfound free headspace I started sorting through parts of my mind I put away. So, and I'm ashamed to admit this, it was only earlier this year where I finally, finally got to that part of my brain that hid away my memories of BP.
You can imagine the horror I felt when I realized what I did and never acknowledged for the better part of a decade. These past few days I've done nothing but drown in guilt and shame, trying to ruminate on and discuss with myself what there is that I can possibly do about it. I've thought about reaching out only to decide against it because (1) I have no idea what their socials are anymore (they've changed handles, though I can probably find it if I tried at risk of looking like a stalker) and (2) I recognize that this is almost certainly the result of me trying to assuage my own guilt because of the lack of closure.
I've talked to my current partner about this (laid out the entire story and everything) and they've been my rock through this whole delayed onset guilt thing I'm going through— they reassure me that I've changed tremendously in the 5 years we've been dating and remind me that I've been working my butt off to improve myself.
And while I trust my partner's opinions, I still feel like a downright scumbag but I have no idea how to properly cope with these emotions. I foolishly hurt someone in one of the most earth-shattering ways possible, refused to take responsibility for it (and in my narcissism thought I was JUSTIFIED), ran away from it, then ignored those thoughts for 8 years.
I don't know if my remorse comes through at all. I don't know if I come off as entitled, stupid, or every negative adjective there could possibly be in the english dictionary. It feels as though everything I know about myself is a lie and it's drastically changed how I view myself; I feel like a downright monster and I know that this pain and confusion I feel is only a fraction of what my BP had to go through. I wouldn't be surprised if they want me dead.
I've gone to therapy and recognize thru the CBT techniques I've been taught that what we individually need to do is recognize that it happened, learn from it, and move on. But my mind is fighting me, reminding me of my mistakes and telling me that there's no reconciliation to be had. That I'm still a terrible person. That this is my penance for what I've done and that it's now going to be a lifelong pain that I have to carry— because I had to gall to ignore it for so long.
So with my novel done and over with, now I come here to ask:
What do I do now? I feel like I've gone on an entire emotional arc to improve myself in the wake of my parents' unfortunate deaths only to completely forget this one crucial thing. That I emotionally cheated on someone. I'm at a loss for what to do.

So a while back my wife and I were at a National Park and Seashore called Point Reyes National Park. We liked to go to the beach with the kids when we lived closer. For clarification we were both born and raised in Northern California, and still live here. So we're a bit more European when it comes to bodies, we aren't nudist or anything like that. But we don't body shame our children, we teach them that they only have one life and one body. If you take care of it, you will live a full life. Meaning we try to teach them healthy eating habits. So to sum it up, we both like wearing thong swimwear. My wife has a thong one piece swimsuit and I have a regular men's thong swimsuit. I know it may seem a bit odd but we like it and find them comfortable and our children just see it as normal everyday stuff.
So the national parks don't have any rules regarding thong swimwear. I know this because I not only emailed them with questions; but also called them to confirm that we were not breaking any sort of rule in regards to what we were wearing.
Anyways when we go to the beach we try to be very polite and corgial about things as we don't like confrontation. If we have nothing but adults around us, we won't say anything in regards to our thongs. But if children are present we talk to the parents and make sure its ok, if they say no or anything like that we move to a different area.
Anyways, now that the back story is finished, sorry it took a bit just a lot to explain and clarify. Here we are at the beach, it's Memorial weekend so the place is jammed packed with people. We do our usual thing and get the green light, so we both strip to our thong swimsuits and get the kids ready for the water and sun. Now hours have gone by, we're having fun the kids are enjoying themselves. My youngest wants to take me to the waterline to watch the waves and look at stuff in the sand. So I'm holding the hand of a two year old watching the waves crash over our feet, seeing her giggle and laugh. My back is turned to the beach, there's no question about what I'm wearing and that it's clearly a thong. Cue Boomer Karen and her Loser Beach Patrol (husband and friends) she sees this and goes off on me and my wife in front of our kids when I come back from the water.
She starts to say that we're selfish, perverted, and exposing our children to sex. She even goes onto accuse me of being a pedophile of my own children. And soon after that she starts to quote the bible at me. This all turns into her threatening to call CPS and have our children taken away, as well as the cops to arrest us. Now normally we don't engage with people like this, but I snapped the minute she tried to grab our children. Suddenly and without question, I get in her and her husband's face and tell them in a polite but very loud and stern voice. That if the want to confront us or say harmful things to us (my wife and I) that we can handle it as adults. But the minute you bring my children into it and threaten them, much less touch them; that I'm going to wrap them up in so much legal troubles that their great grandchildren are gonna need lawyers.
The best part of this whole thing is my wife piped up with "You're just jealous because my husband butt looks better in a thong than your flabby fat ass." Ms. Boomer in question just looked like a chicken, bobbing her head and clucking with the rest of the loser beach patrol before power walking away.
What I find humorous about this whole thing, is that Boomers were hippies and were all about freeing the mind and body. That the human body is a beautiful thing and sex is beauty. Now it's just bible quotes, Trump MAGA, say no to drugs (which I find to be the only thing I can agree with), say no to sex. You should be ashamed of your body.
TLDR; Boomer Karen and her Loser Beach Patrol husband and friends, threaten to call CPS and Cops over wife and my thong swimsuit at the beach.

I just need to let this out. I'm so fed up with my Dad and his constant negativity. He never supported me when it mattered, and now I'm stuck being the breadwinner of the family because he couldn't get his act together. It's like, really? I was just a kid, trying to find my way, and instead of encouraging me to go to college and follow my dreams, he put me down and made me feel like I wasn't good enough.Every single time I had a chance to do something great, he found a way to squash it. I said I wanted to go to college, and he told me it was a waste of time and money. He didn't think I could make it. Instead of cheering me on, he made me feel guilty for even thinking about leaving.
And now look at me—I didn't get to pursue my education, and I'm working my butt off to support everyone else. It's like he planned it this way, so I'd be stuck taking care of them forever.I'm tired of it. I didn't ask for this role. I didn't ask to be the one who has to worry about paying bills, buying groceries, and keeping the house from falling apart. I should be living my life, figuring out what I want to do, but instead, I'm stuck in this endless cycle of responsibility because my parents couldn't handle their own.
And it's not like they appreciate it either. There's no "thank you," no "we're proud of you." Just more demands and more complaints.Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I'd had supportive parents, if he had pushed me to reach my full potential instead of dragging me down. I see people my age living their dreams, going to college, starting careers, and I can't help but feel bitter. Why did my Dad have to be so toxic? Why did he have to make everything so much harder?
I'm angry and frustrated.
I feel like my family has been holding me back for a long time. It's just constant stress, pressure, and toxic energy. I've been the one keeping everything together.
It's exhausting.
I'm at the point where I feel like I need to leave and start a new life. I want to be able to focus on my own goals and dreams without feeling guilty or being dragged down by all their negativity. But I'm not sure if it's the right decision.
Am I being selfish for wanting to get away from all this and focus on myself? Would leaving really give me the freedom and peace of mind I need, or would it just create more problems?
I know it won't be easy, but I can't keep living like this. I need to find a way to build a life that makes me happy.
So, what do you think?
Is it okay to want to leave my family and start fresh, even if it means breaking away from the people I've been supporting for so long?

F16. ADHD ASD. I am incredibly irritated by chaotic and uncontrolled noise, colors and touch. I am also incredibly afraid of children and teenagers (people around my age) as I do not understand social cues, It's unbelievably draining to force sincerity and my general experience with younger people is that they tend to be quite cruel and close minded, and so, as much as I'm not necessarily interested in creating friends or connections, I feel unsafe when I am around other people as I don't want them to single me out or think that I am different. It is tiring and stressful.
I dropped out of school this year because I could not handle moving to a new school. The school could not adequately accommodate for me despite their promises to do so; There were so many people that I knew nothing about, some of which acted cruelly to me for a reason that I cannot understand (hitting me, throwing things at me, stealing my things and putting trash in my bag) within the first two weeks of arriving at the new school.
My family tells me to "get used to it" but it makes me feel so depressed. They tell me that eventually I'll get used to it, but rather than being able to handle more of it, I break apart faster and faster and I start having meltdowns, I start running away from school, I start considering ending things.
"how are you going to function if you can't handle these things?" "you're just making up excuses" I want to tell them, "It will be fine as long as you accept me for who and what I am," but they insist it is not okay. "Just get used to it; I know you're strong." It makes me feel so incredibly weak when they say this, because I do not feel like I am getting used to it at all, even after years and years of putting myself in jarring and disorienting situations that exhaust me and make my life very anhedonic, painful, tiring and unpleasurable.
I know I can be happy, I know how to be, but I need assistance and support as a child in achieving some of that ; but people don't want to give me "special treatment." As if every other person would also liked to be put in a room by themselves to do their work. I literally want to flip the table or rip my paper up when someone's elbow touches mine. I feel like crying when people look at me. When someone is sitting behind me. When someone touches me. When people start making random noises. I know it's irrational and I mask it for the convenience of others, but it's so painful, and incredibly lonely.
I can't talk about it with other people because they'll think I'm making it my entire personality. "REAL neurodivergent people wouldn't talk about it at all." "You don't seem to have autism/ADHD to me." It's so painful. I just want support. I just want to be accepted. I just want to be understood. It's not the end of the world if I can't do some things, but it makes me feel horrible when people act as if I'm a massive burden on them. I can't help the way I am. It makes me want to disappear, because I can't change it about myself.
I find comfort in online communities with neurodivergent people as it makes me feel less alone, but I don't have many friends and I have very bad social anxiety. I appreciate having communities like this, you make it atleast that little bit more bearable, but I do really wish I had friends or family that could accept and support me for what I say I can and can't do. I have one person who I care about very much and is very kind to me about my autism and adhd, but it's still very exhausting having to live around people and have a family who invalidate your own experiences and makes me feel bad about something that I literally can't change. I want to go on medications, but my family doesn't want me to. "You can brute force it." Ugghhh... So tired....
Thanks for reading all of this, if you did.

Hello there! I had a few questions about how to drive up a hill in an automatic, I am someone who has never driven an automatic in my whole life, and I am thinking of getting one (either torque converter or DCT). And I plan to take it on hilly areas quite frequently, all that I know about automatics, is what I have learned from YouTube videos and POV driving videos.
Alright, picture this scenario: you're driving an automatic transmission car and you come to a halt on a hill. You start to move forward again, relying on the natural 'creep' of the car's automatic transmission to smoothly propel you forward when you release the brake. Easy enough, right? But what if you're facing a steeper incline, and the creep just isn't cutting it? You've got a handbrake, sure, but it's electronic, and even if your car boasts a hill hold assist feature, it disengages the moment you nudge the accelerator, leaving you in a bit of a pickle. And what if it's an old automatic that doesn't have a hill hold and even the handbrake doesn't work? (Extreme scenario, but still)
Here's the crux of the issue: on a seriously steep hill, the minimal forward movement you'd typically get from releasing the brake isn't enough, and the car stubbornly refuses to budge without a solid push on the accelerator. Yet, as soon as you apply even the slightest pressure on the accelerator, the hill hold assist disengages, and before you know it, you're rolling backwards.
So, what's the solution in this frustrating scenario? You're unable to gauge the biting point by modulating the accelerator while relying on the electronic handbrake, and you're adamant about avoiding the risky practice of using your left foot in an automatic.
Additionally; Like, I know how to do this in an manual, and the way is too just half-clutch it, hold it on clutch, and use both clutch and accelerator pedal to modulate the car, for a few seconds and it does no harm because it's necessary in a few scenarios. But how do I do this in an automatic provided that I don't want to use the hand brake, I don't want to use my left foot for breaking, and I don't wanna use the parking assist either.
And how did people do this in olden times when automatic cars didn't come with hill hold or parking assist in the places like San Francisco?

No matter how many playthroughs, my choice with Geralt will always be and forever be Yennefer.
Talking about the goodness of Yennefer, I could go on for days.
First and foremost, the thing that touches me the most is her courage to make decisions in moral dilemmas.
The novel begins with a story about a dilemma between a small evil and a great evil.
In the game, moral dilemmas are even more common.
For example, in a small task of finding a missing person: the son of a military family disappeared, and his mother entrusted Geralt to find him.
Geralt found the body and uncovered the truth: the son deserted the army and was executed by military law. But the military officer didn't want to deal with paperwork and reprimands from superiors, so they kept it secret.
At this point, facing the mother, there are two choices:
A, Tell the mother the truth. Then, after losing her son, the mother would also have to bear the humiliation of knowing her son was a cowardly deserter.
B, Tell the mother that her son died bravely, worthy of his father and ancestors. Then, the mother would never know the truth, never know the fear in her son's heart.
For such a small task, I held the controller and was silent for a long time. Both choices were difficult for me, causing me inner turmoil and discomfort.
Choices in The Witcher universe are always heavy and difficult.
Yennefer faces even more, heavier, and more difficult dilemmas.
The Ouroboros mask is a crucial item in finding my daughter, but those druids claim that the mask is sacred and related to the safety of the archipelago. Should I choose to give up or forcibly borrow it?
Necromancy is the only way to find clues about my daughter, but the cost is destroying the vitality of a garden, earning the collective resentment of the priestesses, feeling the disgust of having cockroaches crawl all over my mouth, and disturbing the spirits of the deceased. Should I choose to give up or commit a lesser evil?
Transforming Uma is the only way to learn the truth, but the cost is that Uma might be my daughter and could potentially die during the transformation. The risk is immense, and the cost is high. Should I choose to give up or face the risk?
In all these options, there is always a seemingly more humane and moderate choice of "giving up," such as "there might be a better way" or "maybe we should try another approach."
However, when you actually go through with it, you realize that there is no perfect solution that avoids all costs and risks, and no easy way out by being clever.
Yennefer's independence and strength lie in her willingness to make decisions and take on all the consequences, risks, and responsibilities.
Without Yennefer's firm and resolute push, the search for Ciri would have died long ago.
-"This is too unpopular and offensive, let's give up."
-"This risk is too great, let's give up."
-"This is too extreme, let's give up."
-Behave yourself, be nice, be polite, be noble.
The result would be that they would never know the clues about the Isle of Mists or the true whereabouts of Ciri.
The Wild Hunt captures Ciri, and that's the end of the story.
Yennefer, who has to make choices in these moral dilemmas, is not a delicate woman or a hesitant lover at this moment, but a person in the fullest sense, a mother in the fullest sense.
She is brave and resilient.
Here, let me elaborate on Geralt's character in the book.
The White Wolf inherently has a tendency to avoid. He always uses the excuse that witchers remain neutral and make no choices.
However, the first story, "Not Even a Small Evil," exposes the falsity of this stance. Not making a choice is already a choice in itself. So eventually, he was compelled by his conscience and morality to make a choice, earning him the misunderstanding and title of a butcher from the world.
In the final volume of the story, when he thought Yennefer had betrayed him and Ciri, he chose a shameful escape.
He was afraid to confront Yennefer, and felt hopeless about finding his daughter. He hid in Toussaint, indulging in self-intoxication, wine, and the pleasures of bedding Vigo.
This is the weakness and sadness of Geralt. (No character in the Witcher books is perfect.)
When Geralt first met Yennefer, he fell in love with her at first sight, not primarily because of her beauty, but because he saw through her exterior and glimpsed the powerful and unyielding spiritual strength within her.
This instinctively captivated him because it was something he lacked but desired.
Contrary to the public perception of witchers, the greatness of Geralt's character lies in his mercy and gentle. Therefore, Triss dared to say that no matter what she did, Geralt would always forgive her.
Secondly, Yennefer's softness is hidden beneath a strong exterior, and she never uses it as a means of performance to gain sympathy or affection.
If we're talking about hardships, could any of the major characters in the entire game compare to Yennefer's?
She was tortured, lost her memory, and fell into the hands of the enemy. After regaining her memory, she was told that her lover had betrayed her, her daughter was missing, and her close friend had stolen her place.
Nothing compares to the physical and emotional abuse she endured. Even the protagonists in tragic novels don't suffer as much as she did.
Therefore, when I see players complain that Yennefer is cold after their reunion in the Velen vineyards, I can't help but laugh.
What？Did they expect Yennefer to act like a fan girl, ignoring all the harm that had been done to her and throwing herself into their arms?
At that time, how could Yennefer not be uneasy? How could she not be sad? How could she not be resentful?
But she was so proud that she didn't bother to use it to gain sympathy or pity, whether from Geralt or from players and fans.
She buried it deeply, not worth mentioning to outsiders.
Her grievances and heartaches are not written on her face in forced strength, nor acted out in her eyes filled with unspoken words.
It's when you put yourself in her shoes, feeling desperate and sad to the point of madness, and ultimately facing her calm expression, her usual teasing tone, and the box of Western Tiger armor she still cares about and values for you.
It killed me thousand of times.
The only hint of her sharpness is a slight sense of distance and a bitter taste in her conversation.
This dialogue is actually quite interesting.
Geralt asked her, "You regained your memory, why didn't you contact me? Don't you need me? Don't you want to see me?"
This accusation is heartbreaking.
Geralt felt that as soon as I regained my memory, I immediately left Triss and traveled relentlessly to find you. But you regained your memory long ago, why didn't you come looking for me? Why did you only remember to write to me when you were at your wits' end and had no other options? Am I still your lover? Am I still her father?
Yennefer's response was, "I heard you were flying off into the sunset with Triss, and I didn't want to intrude."
You can taste the ice and thorns beneath her words.
Geralt defended himself: "I lost my memory, Yen."
He was speaking the truth. If he hadn't lost his memory, he and Triss would have been doomed from the start.
(In the book, when Geralt and Yennefer broke up, Triss took advantage of the situation and succeeded only through the use of magic and potions. Later, Triss repeatedly confessed her love to Geralt, even without dignity or humility, but was gently rejected by the White Wolf. I can't quite understand why. It's just sex, so why could he be with Coral and Vilgefortz, or even, out of compassion, with Shani, but not Triss? The only explanation might be that Geralt has some strange principle of not sleeping with friends, as he considered Triss a friend.)
Geralt's grievances are genuine, but the double betrayal he and Triss inflicted on Yennefer is also a fact.
Both of them have their grievances and heartaches.
However, ultimately, the reason for all this is that they cared too much for each other and were too proud to tolerate even the slightest uncertainty in their love. (This is very true to the original story.)
Then, Yennefer's reaction was quite interesting.
Her response was: "Excuses, all excuses."
This made Geralt so angry that his face twisted to the side, shutting up and sulking.
Ahead, take note, Yennefer has a line here that is highly effective and slightly jarring.
"Save it, okay? 'It's not what you think,' 'Being with her only made me realize how much I love you'... I don't want to hear it, stop talking."
During my first playthrough, I didn't quite understand what this meant.
It seemed like Geralt hadn't said anything much, so why did Yennefer suddenly get angry?
After reading the books in my second playthrough, I almost burst out laughing when I heard this line.
Really, the impact of this line is nuclear-level after reading the original novel.
Because in the novel, women fell in love with Geralt one after another, while Geralt, half-heartedly engaging with them, was always thinking about Yennefer in his heart, and even couldn't help calling Yennefer's name during climax.
So when Yennefer asked him if he had other women, he confidently denied it, even not fearing mind-reading.
And,at the beginning of the game, in the dream sequence in Kaer Morhen, there was a similar dialogue:

• "You know a lot of women?"

-"What's the matter with that? I only thinks of you."
When I read to all these familiar parts of the book, my complaints were overwhelming and irresistible: what a classic line of a cheating man!
I didn't expect the game to take revenge for me!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
It was such a great rebuttal!
Indeed, the official mockery is the deadliest.
Moreover, after reading the book and then playing the game, my understanding of the game's details becomes much deeper, and the enjoyment level doubles directly. For example, the famous phrase "my friend" or "my dear friend" that Yennefer referenced in every letter will make anyone who has read the book laugh heartily.
Later, when they reunited on the Skellige, the matter of lost memories was no longer mentioned. Yennefer's grievances towards Geralt give way to their long-lasting and passionate love.
Their relationship flourished, returning to the normal level when Geralt and Yennefer were together—hearts connected, in harmony, with a shared goal and an unbreakable bond.
In love, the vulnerability that Yennefer reveals is so rare and precious, buried within the slightest gaps of her words.
It's also because before the series of games began, Geralt and Yennefer had already gone through countless emotional struggles and tests of life and death together.
They had fled from each other, held grudges against each other, but no matter how far apart they were, or how much resentment and hurt they felt towards each other, it could never shake their near-desperate longing and yearning for each other.
Therefore, with just those words, "I lost my memory, Yennefer," Yennefer knew Geralt's intentions.
However, Yennefer's approach towards her daughter was different.
Throughout the game, Yennefer only lost control twice, both times because of Ciri.
One time was during the transformation of Uma, when she broke down crying thinking that Uma had died. At that moment, she would do everything in her power to save Uma, even if it was futile—this "everything in her power" was literal, just like when Geralt died, she knew it was useless but still exhausted herself trying to cast spells on Geralt, ultimately dying of exhaustion.
For those she loves, she gives without reservation.
The other time was when Geralt finally found Ciri, and Yennefer ran down from the city wall, her voice trembling and breaking as she called out "Ciri—".
That is motherly love, the most unconditional, fierce, and primal love in the world.
This is Yennefer's soft side, hidden beneath a wall of ice and coldness, only given to those she loves. Onlookers can only glimpse it through fleeting gaps.
If you really want to shatter that wall, you can try choosing to refuse in "The Last Wish."
You will get an unexpected Yennefer, instantly revealing all her vulnerability and heartbreak.
Personally, I dare not attempt it, nor can I bear to look at others' screenshots.
I feel that in that moment, my heart, along with Geralt's, would be shattered too.
Thirdly, Yennefer's attitude towards love is pure and sincere.
Regarding the Djinn's wish, the game and the book have a similar stance: the love between Geralt and Yennefer did not originate from the Djinn's magic.
Let's not discuss the book and focus solely on the background explanations that are readily found in the game.
Before the wish was granted, Geralt had already "fallen in love with her, deeply and hopelessly." (From "The Last Wish" by Dandelion)
"The Djinn granted Geralt's wish, tying their fates together forever, unable to be separated." (From Yennefer's entry)
Therefore, the game's insistence on linking the "The Last Wish" quest to love is contradictory.
What the Djinn unbinds could be the intertwined fates (which could also be hatred, indifference, or mutual dislike, like many unhappy couples who remain married), but not the love between the two.
However, since this quest exists, as a player, I tried to find its inherent rationality and how it serves the characters' personalities.
After they confessed their feelings to each other at the sorcerers' gathering, Yennefer gave her entire heart to Geralt.
I give you my heart, completely, sincerely, passionately, vulnerablely, without reservation.
I demand the same in return. If you cannot, then please leave, without deception, without manipulation, without concealment.
So, the choices in Yennefer's storyline give you ample time to consider, but there are only two options: love or not love, clear and decisive, never ambiguous or indecisive.
— Yes, I'm hinting at Triss's route. At this crucial moment, it's hard to discern the true meaning of those options from the surface. Does staying mean love or not? Wouldn't letting her go be a safer choice? And there's a time limit! It's like someone is standing there with a whip urging, "Hurry up, this is a one-time deal, just choose any one."
Yennefer's demand for the purity of love is identical to that of Geralt and Yennefer in the original novel.
In the novel, Geralt's physical life may be lavish, but when it comes to love, it can only be: "I'm sorry, lady, you're perfect in every way, but you're not Yennefer. You don't have raven-black hair and violet eyes, you don't smell like lilac and gooseberries. So, I'm sorry, I don't love you."
And Yennefer? She once had a long-term lover, a fellow mage, who knew her well and was well-suited to her. He was wealthy, had status, a legitimate profession, and was tolerant, understanding, and devoted to her, even proposing to her-such sincerity is rare and precious among the magical professions that can live for hundreds of years, almost equivalent to Geralt's wish to be bound to Yennefer for life.
This devoted lover, despite being perfect in every way, failed to find love in Yennefer's heart because he was not Geralt, and she could only politely decline his affections.
— "You're great, but you're not Yennefer."
— "You're great, but you're not Geralt."
These two individuals, who have lived for almost a century, are surprisingly naive and stubborn when it comes to love, insisting on a love that is pure and unreserved.
From this perspective, I reluctantly accept the "The Last Wish" quest.
After all, the scene of their embrace in the snowy mountains is truly beautiful. The tall Geralt embracing the petite Yennefer is so endearing.
Furthermore, it's an opportunity to disapprove of Triss.
Someone is content with a stolen inferior replicas, eagerly falling in love with an amnesiac, regardless of whether their love is genuine, while others refuse to compromise, having higher aspirations for life and love.
In conclusion, this is why I will always choose Yennefer.

Let's face it, all of us have been outraged by the lack of civic manners amongst the genera population of our fellow Indians, and all of us break or have broken those rules per our inconvenience as well. We seethe at the bikers who take that cut in the traffic, how dare they not have driving manners on the road, but at the next outing with friends, we don't mind doing that ourselves, because eVeRyoNe ElSe Is DoiNg iT bRo, uS nOt DoInG iT iS wOrThLeSs Bro.
​
I find this attitude of ours to be very confusing, I do not get why do we also need to be an idiot ourselves because someone else is also doing it. Sure, our big cities have seen a lot of influx of migrant workers / students from let's say Tier-3 cities, and small villages, sure, a lot of them probably haven't had the chance to see how rules are implemented, and are probably more uncivil in their behaviour, but does that give us an excuse to be shitty in our conduct as well?
​
We hate honking from cars when we are on our bikes, but the moment we are in a cab or our car, we do the same thing, we don't object to the cab drivefriend/ourselves honking, because well, we are not the one hearing it, right?
​
I am no saint either, I have done that too for at-least few months, when I was growing up in a Tier-3 city, but mostly because I didn't know that their is any other way. I didn't have access to the abundance of internet at that time, and when I look back at it, it was just bad, no excuses for it. But how come the current youngsters are still doing it? They have seen countless videos of how people drive outside the country, or even in northeast, the driving culture of northeast photo always gets 100s of thousands if not millions of likes everytime it gets posted. So, if you are someone who does this, I just want to ask, why do you do this? What goes in your mind when you reason, they are doing it, so why shouldn't I?
​
P.S: This rant is because of a very recent 10 day trip to Toronto, I took closer to 40 cab rides and it was jarring to see the way us Indians drive there. Everytime it was a non-Indian driver, the cab ride was so much better, they were following rules, not rushing, not cutting the traffic, everytime there were drivers from Delhi/Gurgaon/Mumbai, it didn't feel like I am in Toronto, but felt more like I am in Vasant Kunj/Goregoan. No hate to anyone because of this, but then I see posts hating us everywhere and I keep wondering, why do we bring some of our worst tendencies in these things.

Hey team, what a kickass community, I am relatively new to the car life, but I am in a bit of a pickle. I gotta figure out how I am going to keep cool from 7am-12pm in my car in the Nevada desert.
I am a traveling bartender and I got picked up to work EDC, I did it last year and the lack of being prepared kicked my ass/had me tap out by halfway through the 3rd day. I gotta figure out how to keep my space cool without breaking the bank, hit me with your best shot.

The person I live (my step mom) with doesn't like my boyfriend and thinks I should just move on. And has been trying to "hook me up" with new people in hopes that i will break up with him already and and find someone better.
Well 2 doors down is a guy I just met the night this happened. We all had a fire at my next door neighbors house, they invited him but my step mom was like oh come over for a fire, and come meet so and so. So I say, yes I will come over for a fire but I'm not trying to hook up or flirt with this person.
So I go over there, say hi to my next door neighbors introduce myself to this guy and his kid as to not be rude. Not much is said, after the fire is over, my step mom suggested we do a fire as it was only just getting dark. I agree, and then she invites this guy over too. Because I guess he knows the people that love downstairs from me (who I have known for a long time). Well the fire gets started and everyone is just chatting and getting along, and talking. Me and him have brief causal conversation but I try not to entertain it so I didn't give him the wrong idea and I even state at some point that I have a boyfriend. Well we all had drinks and for some reason those drinks kind of catch up to me quicker than usual. Everyone is kind of drunk and then, my step mom at this point kind of starts telling him, that my relationship isn't that serious and that I need someone better and saying things like "isn't she so pretty, isn't she so cute! Uou guys should go hangout later and just have fun". I express my adversion to that, and I thought it was dropped. Then I get more drunk along with everyone. And at thisbpoint she's telling me "isn't he cute? Like you could just have fun with him" And I say, yes but I'm not really interested honestly. Like it doesn't feel right". She pulls out more drinks for everyone. And after awhile we are all standing around and talking. And then to the whole group but mostly to her she starts talking to him about what kind of women he likes and asks if likes bigger butt's. He says yes, and then she's like "oh you should see my nieces butt! It's so nice! She's lucky!" And then she pokes it and I'm like?? What the hell. And then she encourages him to poke it and touch it, and he does and at this point I'm really feeling awkward. She offers me more shots and tells me I just need to losen up. At this point she is full on encouraging him to flirt with me and he does. I don't really give much back at all, because in my mind it feels wrong and I'm not interested in giving the wrong impression to this guy. Then after she is like cheering us on to kiss, and then everyone else there does too. I felt awkward and frozen about it as if I were in highschool again and put on the spot. So he kisses me and I don't stop him at that point. But he tried to go further and I'm like yeah like sorry, I'm seeing someone I'm not interested. And I tried to avoid him the rest of the night.
Somehow later when I had to use the bathroom, I went to use my bathroom and didn't realise he was in there. No one else was in the house and he completely violated me and i even tried to tell him no so many times and push him away from me but he wouldnt losten and just held me tight. I didn't scream because I couldn't believe it was happening, in my own house. I cried the whole time and was just in shock that it was happening. And then he left after and I just went to bed.
The next morning she jokingly asks if we had "fun" together. And I tell her what happened. Then she says "omg I feel bad because I introduced you to him. I didn't think he would do that to you I'm so sorry. But like you were really drunk and you could've tried harder to stop him from grabbing you and touching you, I'm just saying, you have some accountability here as well too. But what happened in the bathroom, isn't your fault and I'm sorry".
I ended up getting a full rape kit and making a police report less than 24 hours later. My best friend was there with me the whole time. And I told my aunty I wanted to tell my boyfriend what happened because it was unprotected but I said, that I didn't feel comfortable telling him the whole truth because I just felt like I didn't do enough to stop him. She then again tells me that if I tell him I need to tell him exactly what I did that led him on and that I basically cheated on him and then he did that to me and to take full accountability for my part, because it wouldn't be fair for my boyfriend to make a logical decision on whether or not he can decide if he wanted to support me or not.
Well I talked to the counselors after the kit and said I wanted to tell him but didn't want to share all the details because I was afraid he would think I actually just cheated. I didn't tell the cops or the counselor what she did before that because IN the moment I thought it might get her in trouble and or make her look bad and would complicate the situation at home. Now I'm kind of wishing I did. I ended up telling my boyfriend pretty much that he was hitting on me and I told him I wasn't interested and just kind of avoided it and then I told him about what happened in the bathroom.
Hes really really angry and upset and wants to hurt this guy. Now that this has all happened. I'm really angry at my step mom but I feel like she couldn't have known he would do this so maybe i shouldnt be mad at her. Infact she was the one that suggested we call the police and was crying and upset that it happened to me.
After all is said and done, I ended up telling her that I told him. She asked how it went. He was shocked angry and confused and mad at everyone and me at first, but we talked it out for 4 hours and he is now just only mad at him. Like really really angry and angry that he only lives two doors down from me. I told her that I only told him part of it just incase. And she said "well I still think it's really unfair that you didn't tell him the whole truth about what you did that led up to it. You never know who talks, he could find out that way, so maybe it's only fair that you tell him the entire truth about your part too". I just feel like she's doing this so he will brake up with me.
I know I did enough, and felt really uncomfortable even when all of this was leading up to this and froze on the moment at that time, and then froze at that time too. I got angry with her and told her "I didn't want any of this to happen in the first place even leading up to it. The only people that know the full situation are the ones I told, so unless someone I told tells him, there's no way that would happen and I'm sure he would be more angry at everyone else than myself for what actually happened".
I'm just so angry and so uncomfortable and I feel like I cant trust her. She knew I wasn't wanting any of that to happen. She knows how much I love him and that I'm loyal to him. And I feel like I got put in a really awkward situation and no one stood up for me in the events leading up to it. Idk what to think and feel.

2 weeks later Lauren and Greyson drove up to her new home with boxes and whatever she hadn’t sold. Lauren had walked through her empty home and said goodbye to each room wondering if she was making the right decision. The house was pretty much sold already and Lauren reminded herself to keep going.
“Audrey will come around Ma. She really will miss you and she doesn’t want to change. God forbid she tell you right out that she is going to miss you. “ Greyson said. Lauren hadn’t spoken to Audrey directly since she had told the kids she was moving. She had come over at one point to get some furniture and mementos and had been snarky the entire time that Lauren had been in the house. Lauren had had quite enough of it and went to the backyard to smoke until Audrey and her man of the week had taken off. They hadn’t even come out to tell her they were leaving. Lauren had had another good cry after that and then made herself margaritas with her mixer and called Natalie to come over for a good farewell bitch session. They had gotten tipsy and talked about ungrateful kids and sent nice little waves to Grace who huffed at them.
“Well, maybe she will and maybe she wont. She always favored your father and I never told her she had to pick sides but all the same she felt like she had to. The divorce was harder on her than it was you older two.She was only 8.” Lauren said lamely.
“I think Cora and I were just glad you guys weren’t fighting. Dad was great with us but he treated you terribly the last few years you were together and it was just so much easier to not hate him when you guys weren’t around each other. Audrey was definitely his favorite though and any time she came over he just made sure they did everything she wanted because he was afraid she’d hit puberty and would decide she didn’t like him anymore. Like Cora.”
“Well that makes sense. How’s you-know-who?” Lauren asked changing the topic.
“Miranda? Alright I guess. Her mom picked Liam up last night for the weekend so I could help you, says she called a month ago and sounded good. I don’t know if that means anything or not but I don’t think she is going to come back wanting to be Liam's mom. At least not any time soon. I don’t really care, she had him and that was the deal. That’s all I asked for. I’d have supported the other way too but I really hoped she’d just let me keep him. She told everyone who asked she didn’t want kids. Everyone. I kind of wonder if she’ll want to meet him and be afraid to because everyone will expect her to be someone to him.” Grayson drummed his fingers anxiously. Lauren couldn’t understand this arrangement that Grayson and Miranda had. She kept wondering if it wasn’t some form of depression or something but Grayson insisted it wasn’t. He’d had Liam all to himself from day one and never complained.
“You think taking this was too impulsive? The job? I didn’t even do a face to face interview. It was on that skype thing. Eric set it all up. It’s legit but maybe I should’ve driven up first to check it out. Maybe I’m just running scared.”
“Maybe it was but taking risks makes your life exciting. Besides, I hate thinking of you alone in the house waiting for something bad to happen.” Grayson patted her leg. “Besides you said there were discounts on cabins and I’d like that. Plus unlike the last job, if Liam gets sick he can hang out with you when he can’t go to daycare.”
“I would like that.”
They pulled onto a winding dirt road and drove another 10 miles. The woods on each side of the road pressed in on them. It was a nice feeling. It was quiet out here and Lauren appreciated it. She had thought she would be more scared to be alone out here but she found herself looking forward to it now. Settling down and maybe a beer.
The GPS took them toa large sign marked Camp Thellgar in front of a fork in the road, one marked OFFICE and the other marked CAMPING. They turned into the OFFICE fork on the left. A man sat on the porch at the first building they came up to. He shaded his eyes and stood as they approached. Lauren took a shaky breath.
“Does my eye still look weird?” Lauren asked Grayson.
“Nah, the makeup covers whatever is left. It looks a little off I guess but I don’t think anyone would guess why. You’re old, he’ll think you had a stroke more than likely” Grayson teased. Lauren let out a high pitched laugh and took a deep cleansing breath.
“Hi I’m Steven Connor, you’re Lauren Jackson I hope.” Steven stuck his hand out for her to shake.
“I am indeed. Nice to meet you, you look different in person.” Lauren said laughing. He did, he looked older than he had on the computer, tired maybe. Steven shrugged. “This is my son Grayson, he’s helping bring my stuff up for me.”
“Right, good of you to help your momma. Come right in here. This is the main office, just off of what will be your cabin. Initially they were one in the same but years back we decided the caretaker could use some more privacy when we added more cabins in. The cabins have only been part of the deal for about 15 years, before that it was just the tent sites. No electricity on those. They’re a little easier to maintain. This time of year we mainly get people who want to use the tent sites, families out for a day hike. Summer rolls around and you’ll be pretty busy. We hire help from the nearby towns, you’ll let them know what to do but you’ll need someone in the office most of the day. There’s an alarm here that will pop up on your phone, when synced with the app of course, that way you can be out on the grounds. There’s an ATV for getting around a little easier. You’ll be in charge of taking reservations and handling the payment, cleaning up the campsites when they leave, looking in on them to make sure they’re kept up. Same with the cabins. Do a thorough cleaning and dust once a week. Aspen Cunningham, that’s the girl from town, she’ll be up every other day to assist with cleaning out the cabins. Here’s the card for Aspen, the card for a maintenance guy we use, Roger, and my card if you need to get ahold of me.” Steven led her from the office which was a small front room with a storage room behind it. Off of that there was a door with a good lock that led into a small house. It came in by a small half bath and then stairs leading to 2 bedrooms upstairs and a full bathroom. Next to the stairs a door led into a small living room with a few bookshelves and a dated TV, past that a kitchen with a dining area. It was cozy and Lauren was in love immediately.
“The last guy was pretty organized, we have our own binder we put together for new employees, he made his own as well. I skimmed through it, mostly a heads up on common maintenance issues. There’s a copy of maintenance performed on each cabin and site that also goes in the main book that’s stashed in the office.” Steven handed her a heavy worn binder.
“I’ll go ahead and start bringing in your stuff mom.” Grayson said backing out the main front door that didn’t lead into the office. Lauren followed Steven into the office and he showed her where anything she could need to find would be. She watched a safety video that featured Steven’s family, made when Steven was a kid. His smiling face running around in the background.
Grayson hung out for a while after Steven left. Lauren was overwhelmed and felt exhausted. She wandered through her new house while Grayson made her spaghetti. She laid on the bed. It was firmer than she was used to but it was ok.
After they ate Grayson hesitantly left. Reminding her to call if she needed anything, asking if she was sure she wanted him to leave. Lauren had a feeling he would’ve spent the night if Miranda’s mom didn’t have Liam. There was a firepit in the backyard so she got a fire going and sat back watching the flames while she drank a beer. She thought about getting stoned but it felt too new here and she was afraid of freaking herself out. The noises of the woods were relaxing. It felt quiet. Quiet was exactly what she needed.
The next few months went quickly, Lauren got in a groove of checking all the sites in the morning and doing general maintenance. Aspen, the girl who cleaned, came up twice a week not every other day like Steven had said. She was a sweet girl and spent a few hours dusting and vacuuming the empty cabins. Lauren and her got along really well and Lauren was grateful for the company. Summer came and Lauren was busy, she barely left the office it seemed. If it wasn’t reservations, it was families asking for maps of the trails or information on the town below. It was a nice busy. Lauren had expected the cleaning to be worse than it actually was, most people cleaned up after the campsites before they left. Fall came and the people started to slow down, most of the people she saw were people hiking the trails and less camping By November she was slow again.
One day her phone went off alerting her to a visitor in the office. She jumped on her ATV and headed back up. There was a small run down car waiting when she pulled up. Lauren ran her hands through her hair as she entered the door. 4 middle aged women stood waiting patiently.
“Sorry, I was a little further out today, how can I help you? Cabin?” Lauren asked, coming around the desk.
“Where’s Jim?” One woman with darker hair asked.
“Jim? Was he the man before me? I’m afraid he doesn’t work here anymore. Just me, I’m Lauren. Regulars?” Lauren grabbed the binder from underneath the counter and flipped through until she came on regulars. Scanning the list she found a November regular, along with a few other months. “Ok, here we are. It says the Helgas, tentsite 42. Yes?”
“That’s right, what happened to Jim? I'm surprised to see that he’s gone.” The dark haired woman handed over her credit card and tapped on the table anxiously. The other women moved around like they were trying to look as if they weren’t paying much attention.
“Not sure. No one really told me and I didn’t think to ask. I’ve been here since late spring, right before the summer rush. “ Lauren felt like she was being judged by the women.
“We’re particular about our privacy.” One of the women from the back said, trying to sound casual.
“That’s no problem, I won’t need to come by until you leave.” Lauren assured them.
“Jim left the entire area alone. I mean, we prefer to be left completely alone.” She clarified. Lauren was taken aback but nodded. After they left and had driven off she looked back down at the binder.
Helgas
Camp site 42
November Full Moon
December 21
March 21
Require all sites in the area empty. 3 day reservations. Noise level low, some disturbances.
Lauren closed the binder. She’d flipped through it before but obviously hadn’t retained much information. It occurred to her that this wasn’t in the main binder. She picked up the company binder, flipped through until she found regular reservations. Nothing helpful from the last 10 years. She booted up the computer and pulled up the spreadsheet. There it was. Reservations, regular. A list of people and campsites and cabins. The program was designed to automatically block off the areas that were supposed to be reserved. Campsite 42 was not on the list for today. Maybe because it was a full moon reservation and not a specific date? Lauren flipped through December and it wasn’t in there either. She sighed. Lauren went to the main screen and added in the December reservation and it stopped her. Ok. So it's here somehow. Or it wouldn’t have stopped her. But it doesn't show up. It’s hidden. Lauren crossed her arms and dropped her head down. She wasn’t completely computer illiterate but she really didn’t know how to see this. The last guy, Jim? Jim. That guy must’ve done something to the computer system. Why would he have done that? He did all the reservations. Unless he didn’t want the company itself to see. They could log in through the main office and see what was going on up here. There was another location they owned and the computer program was designed to work with that one. Lauren shook her head and sighed. Maybe she could get ahold of Steven and ask about Jim.
Lauren opened Jim’s binder again. There were only a few regulars that didn’t have reservations that showed up in the company system. By the time she was done it was dark outside. Lauren sighed and shut everything down. She locked up the office displaying the note to ring the doorbell. The doorbell that alerted her phone to a visitor that would need checked in. Lauren wasn’t worried about it, not in November. It was warmish for November but still cold. No one hunted up here because it had too many people walking up the trails, further out maybe but they would rent a cabin ahead of time if they stayed up here and on the weekends.
Lauren went into her kitchen and got a jar of chili out of the fridge. Cora had made some and sent it home with her after Saturday dinner a few weeks ago. It was easy to heat up. She got a glass of wine and started a fire in the fireplace to warm the house up. She turned the tv on and laid across the couch until she could smell the chili. She’d had a bus day and found herself drifting off before she’d finished eating so she cleaned up and took herself to bed.
Lauren found herself awake in the forest. Barefoot. It was silent. Completely silent. Lauren cautiously spun around trying to get her bearings. She saw movement off to the right. Her heart stopped, she looked over trying to make sense in the dark. Something moved next to the trees, an animal? Lauren took a step toward it without thinking.
Someone or something stepped out wearing an animal skull. Deer? Lauren couldn’t think through her fear. The clothes were baggy and run down. Like a t shirt over loose black pants tied up with a rope and black cardigan. With a black long jacket.
“Who are you?” Lauren asked, dazed.
“I should ask you the same thing. Where is the keeper?” The thing asked, but it wasn’t said aloud, she heard it in her head.
“I-I don’t know. I just got hired here a few months ago. My friend's friend helped me get the job.”
“Then the Keeper sent you here.” The thing insisted
“I don’t think so, the man before me, I didn’t know him.”
“I see. What did they tell you about this place?” The thing asked, circling her. Lauren realized it was tracing her with a skeletal finger.
“How to take reservations and how to clean.” Lauren murmured, trying not to look as scared as she felt.
“I could tell you.” The thing offered. Lauren felt her anxiety rise up and suddenly felt like she needed to be gone. She shouldn’t trust this thing, whatever it was.
“Um, no thanks.You could-could tell me who you are though.” Lauren said instead
“I’m insulted is what I am. You’ll have to figure out who on your own.” With that he was gone and she was in bed sitting up breathing hard. The raspy voice still echoing in her head.
Lauren blinked. A dream. It was a dream. But it had felt real. She checked her feet and saw that they were clean. A dream.
Lauren’s whole day was off after that. Everything looked sharper almost and she found herself pinching her arm to make sure she was actually awake. She avoided the tent sites circling around with the Helgas but found herself inspecting the rest of them carefully, unsure of what she was looking for. After that she rode down to the cabins and did a quick inspection, checking the windows for torn screens and the doors for any sign of break in, double checking the lock. All good. Lauren was done early and decide to walk one of the trails to shake off the oddness. There weren’t a lot of trails she hadn’t already walked so she picked one of the harder ones and grabbed her backpack with snacks and water.
In the months since moving up here she had grown stronger from the work and the access to trails. Anytime she felt herself slipping into a depressive episode or started thinking too much she would go on a long trail and try to exhaust herself. At some point she had started running in the mornings although had stopped in the last few weeks because of the cold and how long it took the sun to rise. Lauren ran a few miles awkwardly with the backpack and then slowed. There was a not well used trail off to the side. She was certain she was still on the company's property but had not seen this one before so she cautiously went off the main trail and headed down it. It didn’t take long for it to grow darker with the trees overhead. There were still nature noises but they seemed almost muted. Lauren pinched her arm just to make sure, it definitely hurt. She was definitely awake. Lauren pulled her camera out of her bag and began snapping pictures of the area around her, partly to remember where she had come from and partly because she was in awe of the area around her. It was beautiful out here and the trees made her feel small and light. She checked her phone and saw that it was nearing dark. She stopped and drank some water before turning around. Lauren moved at a brisk pace as she headed back and almost missed the flash of light off to her left. But as such she had just managed to catch it and it stopped her in her tracks.
“Hello?” Lauren called out, if it was a hunter she had run into, which she didn’t think it was, not as close to the campgrounds as they were, but if it was she wanted it clear they were dealing with a person. No one answered her though. She hesitantly stepped off the trail and walked toward it. She couldn’t think of anything that would flash out here. Cameras? She wasn’t aware of any out here but it had never occurred to her to ask anyone. Regardless, she should check to see if it was a camera before she asked about there being any. She came to a massive tree. She craned her head back and light hit her eyes so that it was difficult to make out the top of the tree. The branches started low giving her a compulsion to climb upwards. Off to the side of it the roots rose up seeming to form a circle. Lauren took a few pictures of it without thinking. She got as many different angles as possible. She had seen roots that came out of the ground but had never seen one that formed a perfect circle. Lauren looked around and realized that it was dark now, she checked her phone and saw the battery was almost drained. She had been here for 3 hours. Lauren blinked and shook her head. 3 hours? That was impossible. She started shaking and spun around when she realized how silent it was, even for night time.
SNAP
Lauren gasped and took off running. She didn’t think about anything other than heading back in the direction she had come. Adrenaline coursed through her and she felt like she was running faster than she had before. It was dizzying how sharp everything was and how fast it seemed to go by her. She hit the main trail and kept running. She could feel her energy start to dip and she pushed herself harder. By the time she emerged from the woods she fell on the ground sobbing and gasping for air. She grabbed a fistful of grass with one hand and put her other palm to her mouth to stifle the sobbing, screaming sounds she was making. It felt like an hour of laying on the ground trying to collect herself. It was one of the Helgas that found her.
“Are you ok? Ma’am? Guys! She’s out!” Lauren heard the thinner of the group yelling for her friends to come help The 4 of them lifted her to a sitting position and tried to get her to respond. Eventually Lauren started to come to and her breathing returned to normal.
“What happened? “ The dark haired one asked firmly,
“N-n-nothing. I-I-I don’t know. I was in the woods and I heard… I don’t know. I’m so sorry, I have no idea what came over me.” Lauren stuttered. Trying so hard to reign her emotions back in. “Nothing, I just lost track of time there and I guess I got myself spooked. I have quite the imagination. What are you guys doing here? Was there something you needed?”
“We came up to see if you were ok, we were doing a little night hiking and saw you running and we followed you.” The dark haired one said. Lauren thought she was lying but didn’t know why she thought that.
“I could use some wine honestly, would you 4 like some wine?” Lauren felt like she was drunk as she walked back to her back door, the short one linked her arm in Lauren’s and walked with her steadying her.
“Wine sounds nice, we have some back at camp, we could get ours and bring it back.” She told Lauren in a soothing voice. A mom voice.
“Nonsense. I always stock up in town, I have plenty. I’ll get a fire going and-”
“We can get the fire, you get the wine and Addy here will help you bring out the glasses.” The dark haired one gestured to the short one who smiled and headed toward the door to open it for Lauren.
Lauren had 2 wine glasses and used regular glass cups for everyone else. She grabbed a couple bottles of red wine she’d gotten clearanced out after Halloween, the bottle had a blurry outline of trees and Lauren had felt it looked so magical she’d bought 6. Of course it wasn’t her favorite so now seemed like a good time to try to offload a little.
“I’m Lauren by the way, I know that’s Addy, who are the rest of you?” Lauren asked as she and Addy passed out glasses and poured wine in front of the fire.
“I’m Sara. “ The dark haired one said taking a generous drink from her cup
“I’m Therese.” The blond smiled and waved,
“I’m Rian.” The thin one said, pronouncing it Ree-ann.
“Is this a girls trip? I hope I didn’t mess anything up.” Lauren asked, pulling her blanket from the house tight around her. The fire was nice and warm but not warm enough to fend off the November chill.
“You didn’t mess anything up, honestly we were hoping to speak with you anyway. We knew Jim fairly well, I guess as well as you can know someone you only see 3 times a year. He had a pretty good idea of what he’d signed up for when he started but we got the feeling you didn’t and we were curious.” Sara said, watching Lauren’s face intently.
“I guess I don’t. I’m not sure what you mean.” Lauren said, wondering if they were crazy. The witchy types who came out here to dance naked in front of a fire and sing before going back home to suburbs and corporate lives with toddlers and teenagers. Lauren had dealt with those types over the summer but not very many.
“Well how did you get the job?” Therese asked, spinning the wine in her glass like she’d already had a few before they started.
“A friend of a friend. I was looking to make some changes in my life and he thought I would be a good fit here.”
“The Keeper?” Sara asked, leaning forward.
“I don’t think so. He just seemed like a regular guy. Who is the Keeper? “ Lauren asked nervously. The woods looked darker and it occurred to her that she didn’t know if she could beat them back in the house if she wanted to run. Then she remembered the Keeper comment from her dream, now hazy but still there.
“The Keeper doesn’t do a whole lot from what I can tell, not directly I mean. He just keeps information and contacts who he needs. He got Jim hired on, we don’t know much about him, we’ve personally not seen him ourselves. We’re not sure if he changes every so often but as far as we know it’s been the same person always. These woods are full of magic you see and not all of it is good magic. “ Sara explained. “We come out 3 times a year to make a blood sacrifice to Eglas. He or She, is a … something. Hungry mostly. Instead of one person we use 4 or 5 sometimes. Same amount of blood and no one dies. Occasionally one person will donate more for a favor but it’s not often.”
“I’m sorry, what?” Lauren said dumbly.
“He/She said they came to visit you last night. They said that you didn’t know much about your job. Eglas seemed very angry so we came to help you” Rian told her.
“There’s not much to your job. You keep the grounds maintained and then you make sure that we are able to do our work. I don't know what else is in the woods but I know about Eglas. My family has for at least a century come out and offered blood to keep Eglas satisfied. When they started settling the area, they disturbed a lot of spirits. Eglas was curious and found the taste of human blood to be… good I guess. Eglas would go into homes and take people, in the beginning it was a lot. Most families fled the area, but the ones who stayed came to Eglas one night and offered to give him what he wanted if he backed off. Or she, really Eglas has no real gender. It’s a fairy or demon, I’m not sure. Either way, Eglas was satisfied with a person a year but that got old quickly, not a lot of people lining up to do that obviously, they really weren’t getting a lot out of that deal back then, they could farm the land peacefully and that was it. One day a young farmer offered himself but when it came time he talked Eglas into changing the deal, a little from the strongest men in town. Eglas got the best there was and it was willingly. Eglas threw in the part about 3 times a year since the body wasn't included in the deal. That’s the lore anyway.” Sara told her story well, moving her hands and body, changing her pitch like a natural born storyteller.
“I think fairy because it makes the most sense with the woods and the deal making. You don’t have to believe us yet, you will eventually, but we come out here and do our ceremony and leave.” Addy told her.
“That sounds, nice.” Lauren said hesitantly. She drank more and could already feel the events of the afternoon fuzzing away.
“He’ll come to you again tonight, you’ll know who he is now. “ Therese said, smiling nicely.
“And you’ve done your ceremony already?” Lauren asked, trying to see if there were cuts visible. The girls nodded and Addy pulled her pants down showing off a long cut on her thigh. Lauren hissed through her teeth at the sight of it.
“Oh it’s not so bad. It hurts but it always heals quickly like it was never there. “ Addy assured her.
“Jim knew about this? “ Lauren asked, remembering a note in the binder about them being .
disturbing or something
“Yes, he did.. He knew before he started though. It kept him safe. We were a little worried that leaving you to the wolves so to speak, that you wouldn’t survive.” Rian explained.
“I’m afraid I’ve worn myself out. I think I’ll go to bed.” Lauren said, getting up carefully. The women were nice company and Lauren couldn’t think of the last time she had sat around the fire with anyone, but the conversation made her nervous. They looked at each other and nodded.
“We leave early tomorrow but I’ll leave my card on your door, you can call if you need anything.” Sara assured her.
Lauren didn’t get into bed as much as she collapsed into it. Her legs ached already and she knew that she wasn’t getting around much tomorrow. Between the wine and adrenaline wearing off, Lauren was able to fall asleep quickly.
She was out in the woods again. She must be dreaming because she wasn’t hurting.
“Do you know who I am?” The creature asked in her head again. Lauren couldn’t see the creature but didn’t feel the need to look for it either, just stood waiting.
“Eglas.” Lauren answered out loud. There was a chittering sound that somehow sounded pleased.
“Smart woman. I have been watching you.”
“I’d prefer you didn’t.” Lauren said dryly.
“You have questions.” Eglas stated.
“I can find answers.”
“I can give you answers if you ask me. It’s easy.” Eglas encouraged.
“Nothing is ever free and I have no intention of indebting myself to you. Accidentally or otherwise.” Lauren said, making herself clear. Eglas chuckled out loud and Lauren heard a swooshing through the trees. Lauren involuntarily shuddered.
“Have it your way, but you know where to find me.” Eglas said.
Lauren woke up the next morning as sore as she thought she would be. She managed to drag herself out of bed and to the bathroom and pulled on sweats that could pass as clothes. She thought that was the advantage of getting older, no one expected as much fashion wise. Lauren considered sitting on the stairs to go down but pushed through each painful step until she was in the kitchen. Ibuprofen and a freezer meal with a bottle of wine and she headed to the living room. She’d be close enough to answer any visitors if they came but she could sleep on the couch or watch tv. Lauren couldn’t find anything interesting on tv, or not enough to block out the clear dream she’d had last night that seemed to stick to her. When the ibuprofen kicked in she felt good enough to sit up, she looked around the room and noticed the bookshelf was getting dusty again. There were books on the shelf that had come with the place but Lauren had never really looked at them before. After flipping through movie selections and still not seeing anything she could find any interest in she got up and wandered over to the shelf. Reading the titles she figured out why she hadn’t wanted to read them before. History of the area mostly. Then a book about ghosts in the area, that sounded like it could be interesting. When Lauren was a kid she devoured books about ghosts. Next to it was a book without a title, it was slim and blended with the other books well. Lauren grabbed it as well, mostly curious. She settled back on the couch and pulled the blanket around her. The book was interesting, the usual ladies in the woods and drowned men, children warning of danger. Then there was a chapter that mentioned Elgas.
TRANCHLURE
He arose from the mud, hungry,ravenous.
He crept through the trees and on the strange mist observant first.
When the people came and Eglas fed He found a way to satiate the hunger and then slept for years and was awoken
He massacred the nearest town and those who lived in the woods found a way to drive him back into the caves, not dead but mostly sleeping until someone falls into his cavern, never to return.
Was it about Eglas? She didn’t think so.
Lauren went into the office and grabbed the binder that mentioned the Helgas. Even the binder was coded though obviously.
With her limited knowledge though she was thinking that they were groups of worshippers coming to celebrate differently. Lauren wondered if she could order some books on astrology to understand it better.
She opened up another book on fairies, but this had highlighted sections. A recipe for some kind of tea to see fairies. In the side there were some notes on things to leave out around the forest, offerings for the spirits. Lauren traced the handwriting and wondered if it was Jim who had written it or someone else. Apples was what it said.
There was a ring telling her someone was here. Lauren got up again carefully and headed in to the office. A man with a sleepy toddler on his shoulder stood waiting. He looked haggard and nervous.
“Cabin?” Lauren asked softly.
“Uhm, yes please.” He said.
“Any preference? You kind of have your pick this weekend.”
“Something toward the back.”
“Alright, cabin 15, more towards the middle honestly but it branches off so it’s a little more secluded?”
“Yes sounds fine. ‘
Lauren handed him his keys and a small map and sent him on his way, she then hobbled back to her couch. Sighing, she went back to the original book and started a story about a woman who had gotten lost in the forest and run into a sprit offering wishes. A wispy in between soul. Lauren noted that the spirit could be found by a landmark she knew. Slowly she started to doze.
Again she found herself barefoot in the forest.
“Hello again.” He or she whispered in her head
“Hello. Why am I here again?” Lauren asked dreamily.
“Because I am a generous soul. The man came today to ask for a favor from the fairies, he bought his offerings but he failed to realize he had put his daughter in danger. She’s gifted, she’s why he knows to come here. She’s also hit the magician and witches' radar, he needs protection.”
“Ah, and why do you care? There’s always a price.”
“I’ll protect her, for a price, obviously, just a little blood offering. From him if that isn’t clear. I need you to go and tell him my offer before his daughter is spirited away. Awaken now.”
Lauren woke up suddenly, she was annoyed and irate at being ordered around. But she got up and found a card that Sara had offered her the night before. Nervously she rang the number.
“Hello?” Sara answered.
“It’s Lauren, are you far away? “ Lauren asked, wondering how her rational world had changed in such a short span of time.
“Not far at all, maybe a mile.”
“Eglas, came to me, he wants to offer his services to a new camper here.”
“We’ll turn back around immediately.”
A few hours later Rian stood at the office smiling.
“It’s been taken care of, I didn’t realize what you being here meant. You’re the new Keeper.” Rian looked on at her with admiration.
“I don’t think so.” Lauren said firmly.
“You are, whether you know it or not, that’s why you’re here. Eglas might’ve told you that was why he was coming to you but he told us.” Lauren didn’t like the culty feeling she was getting off of Rian right now.
“Well, I don’t know what that means, I’m a caretaker, a well paid caretaker. Not a Keeper for things I don’t believe in. “
“I don't know much about the Keepers, but I have a very strong feeling that you should find the person who sent you here and ask some questions. I don’t know as much as the other girls about the magic in the forest but I do know that the fairies have an affinity for ceremony.”
After a few days of thinking, Lauren finally made a call to Eric. Eric was due up today.
Eric came to the regular front door instead of the office door.
“You’re the Keeper.” Lauren said without saying hello.
“Yes. Jim was a Keeper as well, but he… Well he isn’t anymore. You are up for the position obviously. I’m assuming you brokered a deal for someone out there if you figured it out. Which is accepting the position.”
“I don’t know about any of this. Eglas came and told me a girl was in trouble. I offered protection through another group that I know offers blood sacrifices. I feel like I’m too old to be any sort of Keeper. “
“Well it’s in your blood. That’s part of the reason you were chosen. The night you came to me I had a day of signs, then I heard about Jim. I was thinking of sending another established Keeper to this area and then I saw you. One big sign. I watched you for a few days and then I made the decision to send you up here. You have done very well so far. “
“Is there like a meeting for this? An instructional booklet? “
“I’m guessing Jim left a book of notes behind. He was good about notes in his day and when he realized he was coming to an end he told me he would leave things behind for whoever came next. I’d just look for books and binders.”
“But I don’t understand it.”
“Well you’ll have to learn fast”
“Rian said there was likely a ceremony.”
“There is an introduction. You’ll spill your blood by a great tree that connects all of the mountain. You’ll be recognized and the creatures will know to come to you.”
“What kind of fairy tale is this?”
“The kind that you’re a part of. “
“If it’s in my blood shouldn’t I know something?”
“I guess not.”
Lauren stood in front of the tree on the next full moon, freezing and nervous. The Helgas joined her for emotional support. Lauren held a sharp knife and sliced her hand to let the blood flow over the ground. Energy started from the ground and worked its way up her feet and through her body. With her feet firmly planted it felt as if she came up out of her body and rose above the trees, like looking through a microscope if she concentrated on a certain area she could see everything going on. At first she thought she saw people, but it was much too late for that. They were creatures. They roamed and played. I could see everything.
Welcome to Camp Thellgar

Despite this all happening within a few months, this is a very long story. I apologize in advance but there are a lot of details. This all took place about a year ago. I (20F) and my longtime best friend (20F) (let’s call her Jenny) decided to move in together after she came home from her freshman year of college. We had planned this during our senior year of high school as we had been best friends since elementary school. The summer between high school graduation and college my parents agreed to let her move in with me as they knew her very well, loved her and treated her as their daughter. We did this because she did not feel welcome in own home and felt her parents were too overbearing and mean to her.
Even searching for apartments in our area with her was a nightmare and I did most of the work. While the area we live is by no means expensive it is not cheap either especially as kids with not very well paying jobs. I was working full time while she worked a few hours a week for minimum wage (about $8/hour) which was a conscience choice on her part. She insisted that she did not want to pay more than $4-500 per month for rent. But she wanted things like a gym, pool, close to her work, etc. I told her that was unrealistic as even the places that would be close to that amount are the sketchiest places in town and would not offer those kinds of amenities. I convinced Jenny to agree to a nice apartment complex that did come with certain amenities but would cost about $650/ month for each of us. I had to pick up working hours with my dad on the side in order for the complex to approve us because she did not make virtually any money at the time.
We were set to move in when she came home in May. In April I received a call from the complex saying they had an apartment available right away if we were interested. I told her about the call and explained I was fine to wait for the top floor apartment (which was the one we both wanted) but she told me to accept the offer as she was coming home for 2 weekends in April to spend time with her boyfriend and pack, and told me she wanted to start moving things in before she officially moved back. Reluctantly, I agreed. And here begins the majority of the issues. Jenny in particular was very cheap. No I don’t mean frugal I mean cheap. She once, during high school, drove our friend group to her place of work to get Icecream we each ordered and she got hers for free because her friend was working at the time. She put it all on her card despite me saying I could pay in cash. She then calculated the price of what her icecream would’ve been into what everyone owed her. Meaning we paid for our own and also paid for hers despite getting hers for free?? She did things like this all the time. She called it the “friend tax” or said we owed her for putting it all on her card. That being said she told me that she should only have to pay for 6 days of April’s rent as she would only be staying there for 6 days. This despite it being HER idea to move in sooner. I am a recovering people pleaser so I agreed. She also sent me money for rent late so I had to pay an extra fee. She would not pay it.
The majority of issues revolved around 5 things: me “not being considerate of her”, my boyfriend Marcus (19M), her boyfriend Carl (19m), my cat, and her entitlement/health issues(a good portion of which I do not believe were as severe as she said, purely because of how she acted). Here is a list of some of the things we argued about:
She took advantage of me making more money than her ie, every time we went to the same place we drove my car so we would “use my gas and not hers” (including to her boyfriend’s house, because we were all friends and hung out).
Marcus and I accidentally fell asleep in a blanket fort we had built in the living room. She told me I was “not aloud to have sleepovers”.
She argued Marcus should pay for part of her rent if he would be spending the night over(he was already helping me pay for groceries which she was using as well).
Jenny complained about my cat going in her room but refused to close the door and open a window because it was too “stuffy”.
While agreeing before hand that I would have the bigger room and she would have the covered parking, she insisted that I pay more of the rent because I got the bigger room because her Carl’s brother “said so”. Even though she also got both of the storage closets in the main space to use for her things.
She claimed to have misophonia which if you don’t know is a condition in which you have physical reactions to certain sounds,ie, chewing, dripping water, taping pencils, etc. Except she claimed it went so far as to have smells also affect her and that her main reaction is anger. That being said she texted me angry one morning because I had made tuna fish sandwiches(one of her favorite foods she eats all the time) at about 2am after I got off work and she could still smell it in the morning at about 5am when she got up for work. She then told me I was “not aloud to make food when I came home from work”.
She told me I had to get my cat spayed because she was too loud when she was in heat. Her and her boyfriend Carl then harassed me for weeks about getting my cat spayed even though she never bled.
She kicked my cat’s butt right in front of me. Not hard but it was deliberate and she even said out loud she meant to do it “to teach her a lesson”.
I had explicitly told Jenny and Carl “Do not. Under any circumstances. Let my cat outside on the balcony.” She then sent me a picture and video on Snapchat while I was at work of her and Carl with my cat outside on the balcony. When confronted she said it was ok because her boyfriend’s family has outdoor cats and he said it was ok.
She got mad when my cat got zoomies because it triggered her.
She got mad when I told her repeatedly if she leaves things out on purpose knowing my cat will get into them. I will not pay replace the items when they do not belong in main areas, ie the earplugs she wore to sleep.
She was upset that Marcus and I were not as religious as her and Carl. (We grew up religious) She told me I was confused because I didn’t agree with her on certain things, And was always comparing our boyfriends
Marcus had bought a 12 pack of coke to leave at our apartment which I told her not to drink. She and her friends then took multiple and didn’t even drink them?? They all wasted about half of each can. She would not pay to replace them.
She was upset that I spent time with my boyfriend when she was home Instead of her. I tried planning times for us to hang out but she was usually hanging out with her boyfriend or other friends whenever I was not working.
Always left the AC/lights on when she was not in the room or not even home.
Told me I loved my cat more than her because I had told her I was responsible for my cat’s life as a pet owner and I was not responsible for her life as a friend.
Her and her boyfriend argued over the stupidest things. I had to buy our dish rack because they spent 10 minutes in Walmart arguing over a $4 difference. We both wanted the bigger one but her boyfriend said she didn’t need to spend $4 extra dollars on a bigger one. He did not live there. At any point in time. He literally made her cry in the isle.
She wanted my boyfriend to pay part of her rent any time he stayed over so I told her I would charge her boyfriend anytime he spent the day there (which happened often) because what’s the difference between day and night? It’s not a hotel.
Her and Carl insisted that I pay for a new couch because they didn’t like the one I brought with me.
Carl rearranged things in our apartment to how “he liked them” (kitchen cabinets, the fridge, the couch, etc)
Her boyfriend often spoke of how he had a crush on me first but then year’s later decided he liked her.
Carl also spoke openly about how he thinks if she ever died he would pursue dating me/ if we were the last 2 people on earth he would want to repopulate the earth with me.
He tried very hard to convince her not to go to college (which was 3 hours away) and implied that he couldn’t live without her. I had to be the one to convince her to go to school which is something she worked very hard for to get good grades.
He was “allergic to spicy”?? and. A bunch of other “health issues” he had as well. He was also incredibly cheap. He made her pay him back for half of a soda they split. He also made her cry about that, that day.
Then were all the issues with her proposal. I will list them quickly. He boyfriend tried to convince her she could not get a ring more than $50 because she didn’t need it and that she needed to pay for half of it. (I told her that was not ok) She said she wanted me and her sister there at the engagement and no one else. He decided to do it on a family vacation in front of his parents/siblings where me and her sister1 could not attend. He had a supposedly “recovered” c*orn addiction. He told her he didn’t want her family at the wedding but that if they eloped his family would be there. She always complained about her parents’ marriage because they got married young and yet here she was doing the same thing. And many more.
Now all this being said, I am not a perfect roommate either. I did few things that were wrong of me and I apologized for them and tried to compromise. For example I left my car in her covered parking space overnight because I didn’t know she would get home before me. I also did not tell her a couple of times my boyfriend stayed the night and I understand not knowing a man you don’t know very well is sleeping in your apartment would be frustrating and upsetting. For that we agreed that I would text her to let her know when he was staying the night. I said. Some mean things when I was frustrated as well not calling her names but calling her selfish/entitled, etc, and was not as understanding as I could’ve been.
At a certain point I told her I did not want to live with her any more and that I wanted to move out. This was mid June. I told her I would offer my half the lease to her boyfriend first and that if he didn’t want it she could either take over the rest of rent, move out too or I would sell my lease to a random stranger. She decided that she wanted to move out and I would stay. Because she was breaking her lease she had to pay a $300 move out fee. Which Jenny and Carl both tried to get me to pay in exchange they would leave a bunch of random shit they didn’t want and had gotten for free, ie a broken “desk”, tv stand and a table. I told her I would rather buy all my own things than pay for her to move out. She and I both had to sign a paper saying we both agreed to terms of breaking a lease which included that if she moved out she revoked any right to claim any portion of the deposit and was not responsible for any damages after she left. After she left I examined her room and bathroom she left and insane number of pinholes and sticky stuff all over the mirror in the bathroom from stickers she had put up. Not much but I took pictures as proof anyway. Surprise, they ended up leaving the garbage desk anyway. She was supposed to move out on June 30th. But she told me she was staying till July 1st so that her family could hold a pool/birthday party for her little sister2 and then would help her move out. I adore her little sister2 so I agreed.
She had told me that she was going to tell Carl’s parents to let her move in with them. Obviously they did not agree and she had to move in with her parents. Far away from her work and even further from her boyfriend. A few weeks later I was at the county fair where I saw her parents and her little sister2. They called me over and were very excited to see me. They asked for my side of the story. I told them everything. Everything about her boyfriend, the engagement, how she had been treating me. They told me their perspective as well. They had no idea about anything. Especially the engagement, they found out when she came home from the vacation. He had not even spoken to them about it and neither had she. They also only found out she needed a place to live just days before she moved out. Meaning she knew for 3 weeks she was moving out but was hoping to force Carl’s parents to let her move in. They both apologized for their daughter and said they were embarrassed of how Jenny had treated me. I also spoke to her sister1 after the fact, who told me that Jenny refused to tell her anything. But told her I was being a bitch. I was also like a daughter to her parents, and another sister to her siblings so I’m not surprised they didn’t believe her.
We did not speak after she moved out. The time passed for our lease to end and she sent me a text asking for her half of the deposit back. I told her I would not be sending her any money and to never contact me again. I have the document she signed showing that she had no legal right to the deposit. I figure it will cover a portion the rent she should have paid in April. Although I am over it now, it did hurt a lot that she threw away a 12 year friendship over stupid shit like that. But overall I am glad she showed me who she was before I included her into things like my wedding and my future children’s lives. So am I the asshole for not giving back her portion of the deposit? Or really for any other part of this story?

This is a long one. I don't know if it needs to be, but it is. Apologies. If you read the title, you get the gist. But, if you want the details, here goes.
My wife and I go to Assateague Island once or twice a season every year. Usually late spring and early fall. At some point, I convinced her mother and step father to join us when they were deciding where to go for their family camping trip that year. So we booked our sites next to one another, and now had several months to wait before the trip.
Well, Boomer FIL is "thrifty". Thrifty in the way where, when he sees a deal on something like say, barbecue sauce, he buys a huge supply of it "because it saves money". So we inevitably end up being given tons of this bulk stuff because there is no way they could use it all. He doesn't seem to understand that buying a bunch of shit at a discount is still spending money, and buying more than you need because you pay a smaller amount than it would've been, is not saving money.
This time, he found a deal on firewood. He bought a shitload of firewood, on top of what he already had, and so he asked us to take some of his firewood and keep it at our place until the camping trip. He specifically wanted us to take the wood he had already been keeping on his property, "seasoning" as he called it. This is a real thing, wood that sits for a long time in the right conditions is easier to burn.
So, my wife drives an hour from our place to his place, loads up the back of our Subaru with a ton of wood, and brings it home.
Cue the camping trip months later. I have to somehow pack the entire car (a subaru hatchback) with all of our camping gear, and now also this wood. I manage to shove and jam as much wood into the nooks and crannies as I can. The car is sitting low now. It looks sad. It looks like a donkey on its 75th year. But, we said we would bring this wood for him, so we are. Its a several hour long drive.
Now, we have to cross state lines to do this. Maryland is pretty strict about not bringing in outside wood or produce/plants because of invasive species like bugs. FIL doesn't care and insists we bring our own anyways. This time, I relent and figure if we get stopped by rangers, we can just apologize, feign ignorance, and leave the wood somewhere.
So, we get there without any issue, driving this ton of wood up along with all our stuff. We unload everything, get set up, FIL shows up and he has a trailer full of more wood in addition to what we have.
I like camp fires. I have a reputation for burning a LOT of firewood. We easily spend more money on firewood than any other part of camping, but we enjoy sitting around the fire, making the fire, messing with the fire, the works. Its the core of camping for me. So, we start up our fire.
Well, FIL is immediately annoyed. Eventually he comes over to our fire to ask what we are cooking. I say, nothing. Just enjoying the fire. He says, the firewood has been seasoned for a long time and its special and should be used for cooking only or its a waste. I see where this is going and say, "ok" and proceed to move all of the seasoned firewood that we drove up there over to his camp so he can be picky about it's use. Nevermind that it cost us some non-zero amount of money in gas to haul it up here. But whatever, he can use it to cook if he wants.
So, I grab some of the OTHER firewood he brought, of which he has tons, and continue enjoying our camp fire. Well FIL isn't happy about that either, and starts to huff about wasting the firewood and how the firewood wasn't cheap (it was incredibly cheap tho, I thought, but whatever). So now, we get in the car, drive to a spot that sells firewood, and buy $100 worth, fill up the little subaru and bring it back to camp.
Well now FIL is annoyed that we aren't using the special wood he brought which was such a great deal. He doesn't want us to "waste" the firewood on fires that aren't cooking things (which, would never come close to using all the firewood he brought) but now he's making snide comments about the wood we went to get for ourselves. He complains that it was a waste of money. Says shit like "Must be nice to be rich" as we make our fire the next day. I say "Yeah actually we've been doing really well lately" and he says nothing. We HAVE been doing really well, but even if we hadn't, you better believe I would be buying the same amount of firewood. He goes on to complain that this firewood is cheap softwood, not nice hardwood like his, and since it's pine, if we cook with it it will supposedly give us all the shits. Now, I lived in a pine forest for my entire childhood, and not once did the wood there make us shit our pants. He says "don't believe me? I saw it on youtube."
Come the end of the week, camping trip is winding down. We have burned all of our wood save for maybe one or two logs, but he still has something like 20-30 pieces left. We figured that we would use up the remaining wood he had and not go buy more firewood, since its the night before we leave.
Well this guy decides that, instead of giving us the remaining firewood that he for sure isn't going to use (nothing else to cook, its after dinner on the last night) and that we stored for him for months and then drove for hours and hundreds of miles with, he is going to sell it to the camp next to us. We don't notice anything until he comes walking back over from this other camp with a shit eating grin on his face and saying "I just made all my money back on that wood by selling whats left to those people over there".
We just stared at him. He literally cost us extra money both in transport and in having to get more firewood, and then instead of letting us use the remainder that he knew he didn't need, he spitefully got rid of it and then bragged about how he ended up essentially getting all of the wood for free.
This is far from the only story I have about this guy but suffice to say, I was dumbfounded by how tone deaf and self important this dude was.
In the future, I made sure our camps were far away from one another when we camped at the same place. I didn't want to have to deal with him micromanaging the wood (and when we ate, and what we were doing, and judging our choices in our own camp). Well eventually he got butt hurt that we wouldn't camp next to him anymore and straight up stopped inviting my wife to the family camping trip. When his wife, her mother, asked why they had done the typical arrangements with the other daughters but not my wife, he went off on some rant about how we disrespected him and how I, the new husband, was out to sabotage his camping and blah blah blah
Nevermind the fact that, as a new freshly married couple, there might also be some OTHER reasons we don't want our camp right on top of theirs. Yes, we did move because he is a dick, but I like my privacy and autonomy, and having a site farther away made sense.
Moral of the story; Its perfectly acceptable for a Boomer to casually take advantage of his family, as long as he breaks even.

This is a throwaway account. Sorry in advance for the wall of text.
I’d like to start off by saying that I know I’m not perfect. Far from it in fact. I don’t make plans, I don’t cook as much as she does, I don’t clean as much as she does, I’m not as good with the kid as she is so a lot of that burden falls on her, I’m not there for her a lot of the time because of work, and when I am home often times I’ll just want to lounge about when shit needs doing. I have an unhealthy gaming addiction and an unhealthy sex drive. Yet in spite of all that we have been together for over a decade now and are going on our fourth year marriage. It hasn’t been an easy ride. I have my flaws, she has hers, we’ve had good days, bad days, a whole lot of fights, but we’ve always managed to work through it. Maybe not always in the healthiest of ways but we did it for each other.
We had our first kid couple years ago and we are expecting our second in a few months time. Having kids was always part of the plan for us but I gotta say, man has it been exhausting. The first pregnancy itself was harrowing enough because the mom found herself unable to mentally function at work, which actually created kind of a dangerous situation for her. So while pregnant, she ended up on a bunch of meds to correct that problem. Being on meds while pregnant was the last thing she wanted and the fact that she needed to be depressed the shit out of her, and as a result she ended up on more meds to deal with the depression. The end result of that chapter was that she decided to stop working altogether until we were done with kids. I’ve been the main breadwinner ever since at a job that requires me to be away for 24 hours at a time. Sometimes longer.
When I come home from this job I come home to my beloved family; my wife and my son. The house is almost always in shambles and tensions are usually pretty high, but I understand that comes with a territory of having a two-year-old. Still, breakfast is usually ready and we have a house on a piece of property to call our own so I shouldn’t complain. Often times when I come home all I want to do is relax and play some games, but the kid needs tending to and Mom needs a break. I thought I found a way to do both by setting up my games in the main living area. That way I could watch the kid, have some mental healthcare time, and if anything else arose I’d just pause the game. Queue my wife’s mental health to mess that plan up.
When I put this strategy into action my wife started getting very upset with me. One day she finally snapped and asked me to take it into the back. When I asked why she told me that when I come home and zone out in the main living space it causes her to zone out and she doesn’t get anything done which depresses her and makes her start to question her life decisions. And then asked why she couldn’t just ignore me and she said “that’s just not how my brain works”. I stopped doing it. But the kid still needed attending to when I got home so my days off just became me driving home, plopping my butt on the couch, doing nothing stimulating all day, then putting everyone to bed, including myself and going right back to work the next morning. It was quite sad.
So this is where the recent drama begins. With this new regiment I fell into kind of a funk. I would catch myself hoping that someone would call in sick so I would get stuck at work and not have to go home to this massively depressing thing that had become my life. But that’s not how the universe works, is it? If something can go wrong it will. So one day I found myself back at home sitting on the couch just watching the kid. Talking to him, playing whatever game he pulls out of his room, trying to teach him basic academic stuff when it seemed like he could keep his attention on it for more than five seconds, making sure the kid doesn’t piss the floor because potty training just isn’t working; dad life. I remember thinking “this is it. This is all my life is gonna be from now on.”Next thing you know I was laying on the couch and I had just fallen asleep. I slept for 12 hours. But before I nodded off my wife asked me what was wrong and I just said “I think I’m depressed.” She then asked me why and I just said “Life’s just over man.”
When I woke up in the morning she was real huffy and wasted no time asking me to take the kid and get out of the house for the day. She said she didn’t want me dragging her back into a depressive state. This very effectively and almost immediately transformed all of my depression into raw spite. I remember thinking here I am a very low point in my life, and this bitch is kicking me out. I’ve never packed so fast. I packed my stuff, I packed the kids stuff, peeled out of there, realized I forgot the kids fucking shoes, drove back, grabbed the shoes and peeled out again. I was venting to my two year-old as we blazed down the road although he couldn’t understand a fucking word I was saying. “Who the fuck does this bitch think she is kicking me out of my own damn place- I’m at a real low point right now and she’s kicking me while I am down- she doesn’t have my back at all- that’s a real shitty thing to do to somebody- and why the fuck would I wanna stay with someone like that?!”
My kid just looks at me and goes… “playground?”
So I took my kid to the playground. I took him around town. I took him to the mall. We made a day of it. And we did not come back until the sun was down. By then everything was tame and the wife had cooled down, but I couldn’t help but resent her for kicking me out like that. I realized that if I continued to feel that way I would in all probability leave her. I set up an appointment with a shrink immediately after having a thought. Appointment time? Two weeks out.
The following days I was pissed off and it showed. At work I was venting to my coworkers and coming up with an exit strategy on how I was going to leave my wife and at home I was not even giving her the fucking time of day. I would still sit there in the main living space and watch the kid but now I was just seething. One we were about to spend the entire day in close proximity to each other because she had an ultrasound scheduled and I did not want to drive us off a bridge so I let my feelings out before hand. I told my wife that I was feeling resentful towards her and that the reason was because of the other day when I was feeling really down and her first reaction was to tell me to get away with the kid for the day. I told her how bad that made me feel, how shitty of a thing that was to do, and that I would never, ever do that to her; especially if she was feeling depressed. I said that I needed to get that off my chest and that if she was wondering why I was distant, unloving and uncaring, that was why. I continued by saying that I had a therapy session lined up to address this and that I’d put on a face to keep things civil, but I reminded her that even though I was putting on a face, I was not okay and that I was going to go to therapy before making any decisions because I felt like this was pretty serious.
I then asked her if there was anything she wanted to say to me and she told me that she couldn’t clean the house with me and Levi home because she “can’t function” when I’m around because “that’s just how her brain works.” I told her that was a pretty serious problem that needed to be solved somehow, and asked her if she wanted me to not be here. She said “that’s not what I want.”
I’ve got half a week to go until my therapy session and the tension is palpable. I’ve had plenty of time to think it over and since then my resentment has dwindled back down to plain old depression. I’ve come to realize that yes, our old life is over. Fundamentally having kids changed us and there’s simply no going back. I actually came across this comment and many parts of it rang really true to me. One day my wife asked me if I was still mad and I told her that I wasn’t mad at her anymore. Just sad. Sad that we’re different people now and that our desire for each other has essentially died because we’re both just too damn tired or busy to care anymore. I actually read her that comment and asked her if any of it sounded familiar. She started to cry. I walked away. I’ve caught her crying multiple times since. She’s since talked about going back to work and how fucked she’d be if I left because it’s too late for her to have an abortion and she can’t do this alone. I reassured her that no matter what happens, the kids will be taken care of. 110%. I did apologize to her one morning because I genuinely felt bad for bumming her out. She just broke down and hugged me, tears streaming down her face right onto my shirt. I felt nothing. All I said was “everything will work out”, which in my head was the sly way of saying “at least we’re not dying”.
She’s been real nice to me lately, but I just don’t care. I really wish I did, but I don’t. I’ve realized that I have absolutely no desires anymore; for her or anything else. The only thing that I know matters is the kids. I wish I could just put my feelings aside and be a mindless, loyal and efficient zombie that pays the bills so I could put all this behind me.
I haven’t done anything yet. I don’t intend to until I see that shrink. Just half a week to go…

For the past 5 years of my marriage, my wife (33F) and her family have been driving me (35M) insane with their constant food policing. I swear, every single time I take a bite of something, one of them has to chime in with their two cents about what I should add to it.
It doesn't matter if it's a gourmet meal or a simple PB&J sandwich - they just can't help themselves. "Oh, you know what would be perfect with that? Some sliced avocado!" "Have you tried adding a sprinkle of paprika? It'll change your life!" "You're not putting enough mayo on that sandwich, hon."
I've tried everything to get them to stop. I've politely nodded and smiled, I've tried to change the subject, I've even straight-up told them that I'm happy with my food the way it is. But nothing works. They just keep on coming with the unsolicited advice, like they think I'm some kind of culinary idiot who doesn't know how to feed himself.
Well, last weekend I finally reached my breaking point. We were having a big family dinner, and I was just trying to enjoy my burger in peace. But then my wife's sister started in on how I should add pickles to it, and I saw red. I slammed my fist on the table and yelled at her to back off and let me eat my damn food how I want it. Im embarrassed and not how I am normally.
The whole table went silent, and my wife started crying. She said I was being an insensitive jerk and that I'd ruined the whole dinner. Now the entire family is pissed at me, and I'm sleeping on the couch.
I know I shouldn't have yelled, but I'm just so sick and tired of being treated like a child who doesn't know how to feed himself. AITA for finally standing up for myself, or should I just shut up and let them dictate my diet for the rest of my life?
TL;DR - I lost my shit on my wife's family for always telling me what to add to my food, and now they hate me. AITA?​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Yeah I think this community is long past its prime tbh. We've fallen off. May God help us.
CW: vietnamese sniper nest, jelim gets really high, jelim is misgendered at least once, properly foreshadowed plot twist, Prestige Exterminator Vrapic
Memory Transcription Subject: Jelim, Extermination Commander
Date (standardized human time): September 21, 2136
I was really not built to take breaks. I rarely ever did, but I couldn't really tell if that was the cause or the symptom of my not-quite-a-problem.
Well, sometimes it was a problem. I knew Jack would've liked it if I took more time off for my personal life. But, on the other branch, I had a lot of plaques on my office wall back at the district. Couldn't get that if I kept slacking off.
Well, technically, I wasn't slacking off. Technically, I was healing from the ass-beating I had gotten from Heval a little while. Yeah, I'd say I'm good as new by now. Pride's still bruised, though. But, still, people were dying. I should've been out there.
The news broadcast in my hospital bed turned off. That was a shame. It was the one thing I liked looking at in this sterile and soulless room.
Okay, let's take inventory here. We've got... let's see... we've got a wall... another wall... ooh, that one has a window, but yep, still mostly wall. All white, too. You know, it wouldn't kill these people to add in a splash of red or green in here.
"Okay, Jelim, focus up." I turned to look at the door.
Isola stood in it.
Oh. That's unexpected.
"Why the hell are you alive?" I snapped. Okay, maybe not the best way to start a conversation. "And where the hell have you been?"
Now, that's an important question. Good on you, Jelim. You should ask those more often.
She walked into the room, closing the door behind her. "First of all, that's not important. And second of all, I did some snooping. That's why I say you have to focus up." Oh, I was focusing.
"Well, first of all, that is important." It was. But it could be discussed later. "But, as to the second part, I'm all ears." There was nothing she could say that I hadn't already heard.
"Sevros is going to get away." Oh. There was. That was a new one. "I know it. His shuttle is being prepared for launch right now."
God damn. How does she know this stuff?
"He's stored the shuttle at an abandoned hangar in the mountains, his convoy is on its way there right now," said Isola. "If we go fast, we can catch them."
"How, exactly, do you know this?" I asked.
"You think you're the only one who can talk to Salvek?" Oh. That made a lot of sense, actually. "I'm a lot smarter than I usually get credit for." And a lot more arrogant, apparently.
"Your results should speak for themselves, Isola." I waved a wing at the far wall, where my bodyguards had put up my fifth 'Valor Under Fire' award until I could hang it in my office. "Like that."
"Fair point," she conceded. "Now, let's go. We don't have any time to waste."
I sighed, smoothed out a few feathers, and hopped out of my hospital bed. If I'm going to be wrapping this whole thing up, I'd better look nice in the process. "I'll go ahead and secure the shuttle bay, you drum up whatever force you can spare to finish this off." I was already making a plan, a pretty good one too if I do say so myself, and I was out the door in seconds.
"I'll send the location to your pad!" Isola exclaimed before we parted ways. She could probably find Karelim and a few others, if everybody wasn't already fighting in Federation Tower.
I knew those idiots should've held some officers in reserve! I could've told them as much, too, but they didn't brahking listen. I swear to god, this Guild is going to drive me off the deep end one day.
I found the stairwell, waved off all the hospital workers I found, and jumped over the railing to land gracefully on the bottom floor. I love my wings. I was in the basement. Never mind.
Well, better get to work. There's got to be a ramp here somewhere.
I left the stairwell to find myself in a hospital parking garage that was mostly empty of cars, with an extermination van pulling in via a ramp. Oh. Great! Reinforcements!
I ran over to the vehicle, waving a wing in the air, but I stopped in my tracks when I saw who was driving it. Oh. Great. Racists. "Didn't I send people to arrest you?" I asked, patting my hip for a sidearm that I hoped I wouldn't have to use.
"You did. I want to know why."
"Officer Kern advised me-" He cut me off. Yep. I already know where this is going.
"And you believed him?" Vrapic scoffed. "Him, a predator, a creature built on violence and lies?"
I shrugged. "He's been pretty straightforward so far."
"You are a danger to the people of Dayside City, Jelim." Oh, you say that again. Say that again, and see what happens. "You've allowed yourself to become tainted by a predator, and I can't allow that."
I put my claw on the butt of my pistol. "And what, exactly, are you going to do to stop me?" I could deny the accusation, but we both knew that wouldn't work on his type. God, I hope I won't have to kill him.
He also carried a pistol. I did not want to use mine. I stepped closer to the van. "You stay back!" He drew his gun. I took another step. He fired once at my feet. "Put on the cuffs, or your brain paints the floor." He tossed a pair of handcuffs at my feet.
Only one? Dumbass.
"Well, you've got me," I sighed. I unclipped my holster and tossed it away before bending over to put on my handcuffs. "What now?" I gave a pitiful two-clawed wave.
"Get in the van." God damn, you really are stupid, aren't you?
I took a few sheepish steps forward, feigning cooperation until I got within claw's reach of his gun. Then, in a flash, I grabbed his wrist with both claws and pushed it up and away from my head. He didn't fire.
So he doesn't have it in him to shoot. Good. That's good. It means he's not too far gone.
I was getting old, as exterminators went. Vrapic was supposed to be my replacement. I had been training him for years to turn out more or less like me. Funny how that turned out, huh? At the moment, however, I was kicking him in the chest. Sometimes, things didn't go as planned.
I kicked once in the chest and once in the liver for a nasty two-piece combo, sending him doubled over and gasping in time for a nasty shot to the head.
Not from my gun, of course, but God damn it must've felt like it. My kicks were brahking lethal. I wasn't even exaggerating that much.
Vrapic dropped like a two-hundred-pound sack of bricks. Stay down, dog. Next time, don't bite the hand that feeds you. I really needed to write some of these one-liners down. Or maybe start saying them out loud. Either one was good.
Anyway, I had work to do. I did a brief check on the response team, which was going well, and I went outside. It was a beautiful day out. Not very windy. The sun was high in the sky, too, which it usually was in a place like this.
Usually? Hell, try always. I brahking hate this planet sometimes.
The gravity felt heavy on my oh-so-fragile bird bones. It always did. That was why no Krakotl I knew could manage to fly on this planet.
Quite frankly, most of the Krakotl I knew were lazy.
I took off, with some effort, and it didn't take long before I was high enough to rely on wind and updrafts to ease my flight. After that, it was smooth sailing all the way to the shuttle pad. I passed the skyscrapers in seconds, was in the forest just as quickly, and it was nothing but clear skies and beautiful views before I reached the coordinates Isola sent me.
How did she find those, anyway? I might have to ask.
It took me a while, but I was nothing if I wasn't tough. After enough time, I could begin to make out the gray peaks of a mountain range in the distance. I wasn't even sure Venlil Prime had those.
I didn't see anything special at first, even with my sharp vision. Hell, I could barely see the road after so many years without maintenance. It was practically overgrown by now. I closed on the coordinates, finally making out the gray of a shuttle hangar against the gray of the nearby mountain range, before some idiot shot at me from below.
Three-round bursts. Automatic weapon. The shooter's probably camouflaged above the tree line.
I tucked my wings and rolled, losing altitude fast, pretending as if I had been shot. I even yanked a few feathers free and scattered them to give the illusion of a bullet impact.
Yeah, that probably won't do anything, but I've always had a flair for the dramatic.
I landed fast and hard on the forest floor, drawing my pistol and searching. In the distance, not too far away, there was a hangar door and a dirt road leading up to it. I saw it through even all the thick underbrush of the place, because it was a really big type of shuttle, and I heard a few voices as well. Mercenaries, most likely.
They were approaching my position. Must've seen where I fell, and now they were confirming the kill. I could see three armed Venlil heading toward me, cautious but still entirely oblivious.
Okay, let's think here. They don't know I'm alive. They don't know where I'm hiding. I'll take them out one by one.
I crouched by a tree, waiting for the mercenaries to get close enough to act. I holstered my weapon, opting instead for the element of surprise. No weapons. They make too much noise. Just claws.
There's one... two... where's three? I looked around. I heard a twig snap a short distance behind me. There's three.
Footsteps. Closing. So close, now. I lied in wait like some kind of ambush hunter, crouching down like a coiled spring, until I saw a black-furred shape appear in my view.
Three feet away. Five and a half feet tall. Lightly armed. Totally oblivious. He swept the forest with his rifle, moving slowly and tactically, but it wasn't doing him any good at the moment. He had no idea what was coming.
I sprang from my cover the second he looked away, knocking him to the ground with a sweep of my leg and cutting out his throat at the same time. It wasn't pretty, killing never was, but I did it easily enough. One down. Two to go.
The second one wasn't much harder. The bushes were thick, thick enough that I couldn't move in them without creating noise, but he and his friend were making just as much so I just stayed low and did my job. Swept his legs, cut his jugular, light work all around.
The third guy was smart, though. Really smart, because he started booking it back to home base the second his friends stopped responding. Clearly, he wasn't getting paid very much.
Unfortunately, there was nobody else left outside. I shot him. I never did get how some people got used to that.
Now, it was time to go inside. There was a side door next to the main one, unguarded of course, and I entered it. The hangar was large, but that was to be expected. Dusty, but that was also to be expected. A quick sweep of the grounds confirmed my earlier suspicions that, yep, nobody was left inside. Idiots.
I had a text from Isola. First, Heval hadn't been spotted at Federation Tower. That was bad news. Second, Sevros' men were ten minutes out. That was worse. I had to work fast.
I had seen a perfect vantage point on my way here. I had an assault rifle with a poorly-attached sniper scope, courtesy of the guy who tried shooting me earlier, slung across my back. I went outside, spread my wings, and took to the skies.
This was going to be over quickly.
I saw movement on the road not long after. I was in a perfect sniper's nest, concealed by foliage and with a good vantage point to the road, and I waited until they reached a part without much cover before I began firing.
There were three vehicles, and my sniper's nest gave me a good vantage point on all three. Two were exterminator trucks, and their complements of hired muscle were all exposed in the flatbeds. The other was an exterminator van, much less exposed and in the center of the convoy. Sevros' vehicle.
I shot that one first, popping a tire and sending it skidding to a halt. The rear truck crashed into it, damaging them both, and I triple-tapped most of the goons in its flatbed before they could do anything. The forward vehicle stopped, a stupid call given the situation, and I shot out its tires before putting down the machine-gunner who had stayed in the flatbed. Everybody else had bailed out.
There were only a few goons left now. No more than ten, by my guess. They were all taking cover by the trucks, looking for me to no avail, and I lined up a shot on one of them on the other side of the convoy.
It worked. They seemed to think I was shooting from the opposite direction of where I actually was, despite the fact that the body fell the wrong way, but Venlil muscle men were hardly the smartest of the bunch. They practically fell over themselves to get to my side of the convoy, inadvertently leaving them completely without cover.
To borrow a human idiom, it was like shooting fish in a barrel.
The entire security force was cleared out in three minutes, barring a few stragglers. None of them had ever faced a sniper before, and they seemed content to huddle in places where I had already tried and failed to shoot them. I could wait until Isola's people got here, they weren't far out, but I really didn't want to.
If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. Especially in this economy.
I flew from my sniper's nest like I had places to be, which I did, and I landed hard and fast next to the middle van. I cleared the outside of it first, taking out whatever goons I'd been too preoccupied to shoot earlier, before my attention was grabbed by a door opening at the back of the van.
More goons. Great.
The first one to come out got two in the head. So did the second one, as I advanced to clear the inside. I moved quickly, a bit sloppy too, and a brown paw shoved my rifle to the side. "You son of a bitch!"
Excuse me? I'm a woman, I'll have you know.
I ducked and rolled as a fist flew at my head, only to catch another one to the beak in a nasty uppercut when I did. I dropped my rifle, not by choice, which was kind of stupid looking back. Hindsight is always 20/20. I countered with a leg kick followed by another to the liver, which he shrugged off like last time.
Well, it's clear fighting normally doesn't work. Guess I'll just have to fight dirty.
I jabbed at his face, blocked another punch, and scooped up some dirt with my leg to throw in his eyes. It worked, he was blinded for half a second, and I kicked him in the face. Straight in the eye socket, too. That's gotta hurt. I'd feel bad if he wasn't such an asshole.
He stumbled backwards a few steps and reached in the van for a weapon. Wait a minute. I have a gun, too! I was practically surrounded by them.
I grabbed the rifle on the ground with my leg, shooting out Heval's legs in the process. He fell and rolled, pistol in paw, but I kicked it away and tossed the rifle up to my wings. I caught it and leveled it at his head. "You give?"
Heval looked to his right. Sevros sat pressed against the far end of the van, looking positively terrified. Hell, I couldn't blame him. "Does he give up?" I asked. Sevros was too afraid to answer.
"Fine, then." I kicked Heval in the face, then a paw swept my other leg and I fell. Another paw grabbed my rifle, he jumped on top of me and pinned my wing under his leg, and then he started choking my lights out. It all took, like, three seconds, too. God damn, that guy is good. Next time, I'm just shooting him.
If there was a next time. Judging by where I was at the moment, there probably wouldn't be.
I tried clawing at his liver, but his other paw grabbed my wing and held it tight to the ground. I was effectively paralyzed, and I couldn't do anything about it either. I probably didn't have much air left, too, now that I thought about it. My lungs were starting to hurt.
"This time, I'll finish the goddamn job," he snarled. Whatever snappy retort I would've made died pretty quickly in my airless throat. Choking to death was really not a good way to die.
Well, none of them are really good ways to die. This one just sucks more than most.
I clawed at what I assumed was Heval's hamstring, then his wrist, but that didn't do much more than make him mad. Plus, I was really running out of air, and he was bleeding on my legs from where I shot him.
Yeah, that's going to be a problem. Venlil blood is impossible to get out of your feathers these days.
To add insult to injury, or injury to insult, he pinned my wing with his leg and started punching me in the goddamn face. That was never a good thing to be on the receiving end of.
"Just-" punch "You-" punch "Die-" punch "You-" punch "Little-" I didn't hear what came next. That was probably because I was running out of oxygen.
Well, I figure nobody lives forever. As lives go, I think I've had a good one so far. I have no regrets.
Well, maybe a few, but nobody's perfect.
A gunshot. One. The grip on my throat slackened. I sprang into action, locking us together and rolling on top of him, but it really wasn't necessary.
Heval was dead. "Well, I see you were busy today," Isola's voice came from behind me.
"Whatever they're paying me, it's not brahking enough." I really wasn't sure on that end. My salary, if you included all the bonuses I got from putting in work and subtracted all the deductions I got for not being a head-up-my-ass brain-dead robot like I was supposed to, was never that consistent.
"Now, as to this bitch," I gestured toward Sevros, who was shooting a glare at me. "Come on, Isola." I stood up, unarmed for now. It really didn't matter, though, because it was over. I had won.
You know what? Screw it. I'm throwing the most kickass party once I get back. I deserve it.
"Isola?" Sevros asked. Yeah, that's what I said. I'm so glad you're not going deaf. There was the faintest glimmer of hope on his features for a moment. Does he know someone else named Isola? What? Then she stepped into his view, gun held sideways at his head, and his expression switched to sheer and utter confusion. "What? Why?"
Not terror, that came later. Confusion. Betrayal, almost. Hope at hearing her name, then confusion at seeing her point a gun at his face. Why would he be confused? "Put these cuffs on," said Isola, tossing him a pair. He just stammered gibberish. Why would he be confused?
"I gave you what you wanted."
Six words, and everything fell down.
Six words filled in six hundred blanks.
Oh, hell.
Isola's the spy.
I wheeled, quick, but Isola was quicker. She jabbed an injector to my neck and I went down like a brick. Paralyzed. Can't move a muscle. Pretty uncomfortable spot to be paralyzed in, too.
"Why?" I choked out. That took way more effort than it should have.
"He offered to free my brother from the facility. Made good on the deal, too."
Oh. Well, at least the motivation makes sense.
Really, I was in shock from this whole thing. I couldn't even bring myself to get angry, I was so surprised. Even with everything spelled out in front of me, with the evidence of her crimes as clear as a Nishtal sunrise, a part of me still didn't believe it was real.
I silenced that part. It was very clearly wrong.
Isola sold me out. She sold us all out. How many people died for one brahking Yotul?
When I got my claws on her and Onsel, it wouldn't be pretty. I could swear by that much.
"Unfortunately, he blabbed before I could get to him," Isola explained. I knew that! Sevros started yelling something about 'upholding the deal', and Isola turned and shot him three times.
Or, at least, I thought she did. My view wasn't all too great from being face down on the ground. Isola must've guessed that, too, because she at least had the kindness to flip me around. "I really didn't want to do this, you know. I'm sorry that it had to be this way."
She aimed her gun at my head. I still couldn't move one bit. "You're an exterminator. Think of this as justice." She's trying to justify it. To who? Me, or her?
I didn't beg. I didn't cry. I didn't scream, nor did I close my eyes and wait. It would be better to see the end coming. "I'm sorry, Jelim," she said, gun unwavering in her paw as she spoke. She didn't look very sorry.
"No witnesses."
First Previous R.I.P. sevros ik he looking up at us rn🙏🙏

I know this type of topic has been done before though it'd be fun to make my version. Some of the playable fighters here did get some changes but still have way more bad choices when it comes to movesets, Aesthetics, Taunts, Alternate Costumes, Etc. So, here it is, part 1 of the changes of Movesets, Aesthetics, Taunts, Alternate Costumes, etc I would make for the Playable Fighters of the Official X2 version of Super Smash Bros., Smash 64.
Mario:

• Mario will now have his voice from Kevin Afghani instead of Charles Martinet, due to the latter retiring from his acting career.
• His Fire Mario alt. and Wario alt. return
• Is now able to Crawl while crouching, as he does in the recent Modern Mario games.
• Has a Water Meter for F.L.U.D.D, looking like it does in Super Mario Sunshine.
• Side-Smash - Hammer: Swings His Hammer Forward.
• Down-Aerial - Ground Pound: Butt Stomps downward, bouncing on & meteor spiking opponents.
• Neutral-Special: The Move animation remains the same but the name is Changed to Firebrand instead.
• Side-Special - Cappy: Tosses Cappy forward like a boomerang and/or can jump on him like an extra platform.
• Up-Special - Wing Cap: Spawns a Wing Cap & shoots up into the air before gliding.
• Down-Special: F.L.U.D.D is kept here but also can now deal damage and also has the Nuzzle form to help Mario into the air.
• Final Smash - Ultra Fireball: Shoots Fireballs in a straight line.

Donkey Kong:

• Donkey Kong will now have his voice from Takashi Nagasako instead of the Stupid & Bland realistic gorilla grunts.
• Neutral-Special - Coconut Gun: Picks up the Coconut Gun, then Fires a Coconut at the opponent.
• Side-Special - Barrel Throw: Throws a Barrel at the opponent, which can be reflected and/or used as an item.
• Up-Special - Launch Barrel: Gets into a launch barrel, starts spinning & flies in any inputted direction.
• Up-Taunt: Still pounds his chest, but now hollers wildly while doing so.
• Side-Taunt: He quickly sit downs and pull out a Nintendo Switch and play on it.
• Left Victory Pose: DK rapidly punches and kicks a Slot Machine Barrel from the Retro Donkey Kong Country games, breaking it and releasing a bunch of bananas; once he's done, he lands on the ground and smiles for the camera, while giving a thumbs-up.
• Right Victory Pose: He still pounds his chest, but just like his new Up-Taunt, hollers wildly.

Link:

• Link also now uses the Ancient Axe & Guardian Spear respectively.
• Down Tilt: Crouches down, then stabs forward.
• Side-Smash - Spear Thrust: Performs a straight-forward stab with his Spear.
• Up-Smash - Vertical Spin: Jumps and Spin slashes upwards, which if at 0% damage can shoot a sword beam.
• Neutral-Aerial: Spins the Axe in a circle.
• Forward-Aerial: Thrusts the spear forwards.
• Back-Aerial: Turns and thrusts the spear behind him.
• Grab - Magnesis: Picks up a Magnet, then Fires two whips to grab an opponent, which can be used as a tether recovery.
• Neutral-Special: Acts exactly the same and still has the Wooden arrows, but now also has other types of Arrows.
  • Fire Arrows: Deal fire damage.
  • Ice Arrows: Deal ice damage and can freeze opponents when at high percentages.
  • Thunder Arrows: Make a bolt of lightning strike the opponent hit, dealing electric damage.
  • Bomb Arrows: Explode on contact.
  • Light Arrows: Go through opponents when fully charged.
  • Ancient Arrows: Creates a massive blue explosion of energy.
• Up-Special - Sailcloth: Pulls out the Sailcloth, then goes in an updraft and afterwards goes straight down without changing direction.

Power Suit Samus:

• Can now switch Beam energies by using the Shield Special and also Ice beam now.
• Her green alt. is replaced by a blue and white skin, based on her default suit from Metroid Dread.
• Now moves slightly faster and has more air speed.
• Down-Tilt - Slide: Performs a forward Slide kick.
• Dash-Attack - Dash Melee: Swings her Arm Cannon upwards while running.
• Side-Smash - Diffusion Blast: Releases an area of effect blasts at Close-ranged.
• Up-Smash - Overhead Blast: Same as Side Smash Attack but upwards.
• Neutral-Aerial - Screw Attack: Does a somersault while discharging energy.
• Forward-Aerial - Spazer Beam: Fires a blast that splits into three lasers.
• Pummel - Grapple Voltage: Deals Electric Damage and Heals herself somewhat.
• Alt. Neutral-Special - Ice Beam: Same as Energy mode but can also freeze opponents.
• Side-Special - Missile (Tapped)/Super Missile/Storm Missiles (Held): Fires a missile from her arm cannon at the cost of one missile if tapped, a Super Missile at the cost of five missiles if held a bit or a flurry of missiles at the cost of all ten if held.
• Up-Special - Shinespark: Launches herself in any inputted direction as a gold shine emerges.
• Down-Special - Morph Ball: Now transforms into her Morph Ball form and stays in it, until either Down-B is pressed again or she gets attacked. She can now roll around and jump while in her Morph Ball form, and place Power Bombs or Freeze Fields whenever "A" or "B" is pressed.
• Final Smash - Hyper Beam: Charges her arm cannon & fires a large beam of energy, which can be angled & can go through opponents & walls.

Yoshi:

• His Black Yoshi alt. returns.
• Grab: Can now be used as a tether recovery and cling onto ledges
• Neutral-Special - Egg Lay: Acts exactly the same, but just like the Grab, can now be used as a tether recovery and cling onto ledges. It can also now grab items and projectiles.
• Down-Special - Ground Pound: Only the name is changed.

Kirby:

• Kirby's Copy Ability gimmick mostly consists of Copy abilities from the Kirby franchise instead of copying Neutral Specials of his opponents.
• Down-Tilt - Slide: Does a Sliding Kick.
• Dash-Attack: Has the break Spin from the Yo-Yo ability back.
• Side-Smash - Staff: Swings the Staff forward.
• Up-Smash - Yo-Yo: Swings the Yo-Yo upwards, then brings back to him.
• Down-Smash - Bell: Performs a spin and then strikes on both sides of him with his bells, creating 2 damaging soundwaves.
• Neutral-Special: Kept the same, but also can now acts the exact the same as it does in the Kirby games.
• Side-Special - Circus: Does two short somersaults and backsaults back to where he started the attack.
• Up-Special - Hi Jump: Jumps high into the air and turns left or right and can collide with opponents along the way and give them damage.
• Down-Special: Stone is kept but with some added changes, Kirby can also now have a fist while using the down special and dashing at the same time.
• Final Smash - Paint Out: Sprays blobs of paint all over, causing damage and knockback to opponents.

Fox:

• Final Smash - Arwing: Calls up on the Arwing, then hops aboard on it, then goes to first-person perspective.

Pikachu:

• Pikachu now gets Alternate colors instead of Alternate headwear, although Pikachu Libre still remains. These colors include Blue (Marill), Orange (Raichu), Gray (Togedemaru), White (Pachirisu), Black (Emolga) and Purple (Rattata).
• Up-Tilt - Thunder Punch: Punches with large hands of electricity.
• Up-Smash - Iron Tail: Animation remains the same as current up-smash, but now also glows Whitish-Gray & hits a bit harder.
• Neutral-Special - Electro Ball: Forms an orb of yellow and orange electricity with yellow electric sparks from its body to in front of its face, then fires the ball of electricity at the opponent.
• Side-Special - Zippy Zap: Charges up electricity as it's surrounded by electricity after charge. If charged, it goes farther faster dash forwards. If Uncharged however, it makes a quick short dash forwards.
• Up-Special - Quick Attack: Zips upwards at lightning speed and if makes contact with opponents deal light damage, which can be angled, however the second angle has to be different from the initial angle.
• Final Smash - Volt Tackle: Electrifies its entire body and blast forwards like a super-charged projectile and If it manages to hit an opponent, a large electrical explosion comes upon impact, launching nearby fighters, also dealing electric damage.

Luigi:

• Like Mario, Luigi will now have his voice from Kevin Afghani instead of Charles Martinet, due to the latter retiring from his acting career.
• Is now able to Wall Jump.
• Side-Smash - Hammer: Swings His Hammer Forward.
• Down-Smash - Burst: A burst of wind propels him upward, startling him as a wind circle emerges around himself.
• Neutral-Aerial - Spin Jump: Spins Himself Around.
• Down-Aerial - Ground Pound: Butt Stomps downward, bouncing on & meteor spiking opponents.
• Neutral-Special - Thunderhand: Fires a Ball of Electricity from His Hand, dealing electric damage.
• Side-Special - Spin Tornado: Winds Up and Spins Forward, generating a tornado that covers him completely then dealing multiple Hits toward opponents in the way before launching them.
• Down-Special - Element Medal: Picks one of three element medals, then uses that said element.
  • Fire: Deals fire damage.
  • Water: Deals water damage and pushes opponents backwards.
  • Ice: Deals ice damage and freezes opponents.

Ness:

• When Ness hits the opponent with his Baseball Bat for his Side Smash while fully charged, the SMAAASH!!! text appears.
• Down-Smash - Paralysis: Deals stun damage with his PSI Powers.
• Neutral-Special - Slingshot: Fires a Slingshot projectile, which can be aimed forwards, up or down.
• Side-Special: His old Neutral Special, PK Flash, is moved here and now he can fire it at the opponent.
• Final Smash - PSI Rockin Ω: Fires a PSI burst forward & creates several psychic fireworks on any caught opponents before releasing a larger burst.

Captain Falcon:

• Neutral-Special - Pistol: Shoots an energy blast from His Gun, dealing electric damage.

Jigglypuff:

• Jigglypuff now gets alternate colors instead of wearing items. The Alternate colors are Blue (Marill), Koffing (Purple), Beige (Rowlet), Gray (Togedemaru), Black (Gastly), White (Cascoon) and Green (Solosis).
• Jigglypuff no longer gets KO'd by its own Shield Breaking.
• Jab - Double Slap: Performs two alternating slaps forward, which can be used five times.
• Side-Tilt - Uproar: Causes an Uproar, making sound waves come out of its mouth at the opponent.
• Dash-Attack - Take Down: Recklessly charges at the opponent, dealing damage.
• Side-Smash - Mega Punch: Performs a strong Punch with its left hand.
• Up-Smash - Round: Takes a quick breath, then fires a high-pitched blast of sound from her mouth.
• Down-Smash - Mega Kick: Performs a Swing with its left foot.
• Down-Aerial - Gyro Ball: Gets surrounded by a metallic aura, then spins rapidly and slams into the opponent, also meteor spiking them.
• Pummel: Its old Side Special, Pound, is moved here and now just punches the opponent.
• Forward-Throw - Focus Punch: Briefly lets go of the opponent to punch them with a high amount of force, launching them away from it.
• Back-Throw - Fling: Picks up the opponent, then throws them backwards.
• Down-Throw - Body Slam: Falls forward onto the opponent, also meteor spiking them.
• Neutral-Special - Disarming Voice: Lets out a Charm Cry that does emotional damage to the opponent.
• Side-Special - Dazzling Gleam: Emits a Powerful Flash.
• Up-Special - Bounce: Jumps into the air, then lands back on the opponents or stages, bouncing on the opponent and/or stage, which when landing and bouncing on the opponent, it can use other attacks, but when landing on the stage instead of opponent it can't directly attack again.
• Down-Special: Its old Up Special, Sing, is moved here.
• Final Smash - Hyper Voice: Inhales a bunch of air, inflating her balloon-like body a bit, before letting out a loud attack that uses sound waves & blasts opponents backwards quite a distance.

This took a while, but I hope to hear how or what you people feel about these. Any changes that you want to see to the Original 12 that I didn't mention or some moves misplaced? It'd be cool to see what other people can come up with.

Please help, I can't get this off my mind.
For further context, I have been doing my best to forgive my newest step-dad for what he has done. He has changed a little bit, but nobody could repair the damage he has caused.
He still has the old habit of expecting king treatment. He gets upset when things don't go his way, even if it is out of our control. About all the women in the house has to listen and obey him. He's basically a manchild at best.
He hasn't been employed in over 5 years, and says that he deserves a break because he had a job for 10 years. He can't even do the bare minimum of cleaning up after himself. Sticky half-full cans being left on his side, food, vape, all that good junk. He's still a slob.
Even I took the effort into signing up to a donation program during the many years we lived at "poverty level". He didn't like how I told the school that me and my sister needed food because during some of those years, mom bought her and dad food while me and my sister had mold and goldfish crackers for dinner.
Like I guess I am such a villian for not wanting to eat that nor having to wear rotting shoes from the garbage. At least I tried to help, but I guess it wasn't enough?
However, he finally comforted me when I was hurting myself and crying. He has been nicer and he has sometimes been getting his own food. He has been less criticizing and has been in a better mood.
I want to change, but I can't. He has enforced the fact that my childhood were supposed to be my best years, even though I have been trying to heal from many parts of it. I feel like it's too late, and my shitty brain won't stop replaying every little detail.
He made me scared, so scared. Most of what he did was emotional abuse, but he thinks he has the rights to brag about not beating us anymore even if it took me 3 CPS calls to get him to stop. We're having "attitudes" for just showing the slightest of emotion.
The fear me and my sister felt when we were alone with him was unbearable, and mom never believed us. She defended him through everything, she doesn't care about what he has done and she made it clear.
She doesn't bother about his threats to starve us, or when he says oddly specific ways to hurt us to cope, such as, "I wish I could just slice their heads off and have them switch bodies" or "I'll beat your head with a glass jar until it breaks and stabs into your skull".
He was ableist as well, telling me that he'll never treat me as well as my sister because I am autistic. He joked and mocked my deformity before I got the surgery for it and he believes that autistic people are less significant. Even during the surgery, he avoided helping me get on the wheelchair.
He's just like one of the old dads, but that old dad would beat me for showing disability symptoms. Now my mind is stuck to believe that I am a feeble and unwanted child. Why couldn't I be the "normal" child that every dad who left or stayed wanted?
I'm sorry that I couldn't take the methamphetamine to "cure" my ADHD when I was 11, I guess it was a valid reason to chase me with a broom and scream about how fucking retarded I am. You missed and ended up puncturing the wall with the broom, as if you don't create enough holes in the walls or doors.
He shamed me for not suffering "worse" and my emotions were a game to him. I mean, isn't it pure comedy that I burned myself with scissors to cope with body dysmorphia? Or isn't it funny when I have breakdowns while I am left in tears? All of that resulted in his laughter.
He has sexually harrased the only person I feel safe with, my little sister. He has groped and slapped me and my sister's butt too. He got in the mood to play with my mom's boobs after he had me change because my shirt was "too revealing", and he admitted that he should see me naked because he's legally my dad.
He has shown signs of pedophilia, especially with his famous "It's normal for dad's to be attracted to his daughters at least once" quote that I often share in these posts of mine. Very inspiring, right?
But once again, it's all in the past. It doesn't matter to them that I developed a fawn response to all of this, it's probably selfish to not forgive somebody solely based on their past actions, but I do it to keep me sane. I want to move on as well, but I'm broken from all of this and even just talking to him now makes me infuriated.
I'm extremely sensitive, I hear my own screams or whines in pain, I flinch when somebody raises their hand next to me because I expect them to hurt me, I harm myself impulsively or zone out when distressed, I ache and feel guilty all the time, I'm into age play... I'm just a bad result from how I was treated.
Why can't I just be a good daughter, or a loving and forgiving person as a whole?