Thinspo 2010

I was worried we were having less sex because of weight changes in my body and they said “don’t worry, you are physically incapable of losing the amount of weight that would make me unattracted to you. It just isn’t in the realm of possibility. You would never do that.”
And I know it was supposed to be like “I will love you no matter what you look like!!” But all I can hear is “you are too lazy/fat/weak to look like 2010 pro ana thinspo” and I don’t WANT that I want to be healthy and more attractive to a larger number of people than just my stupid lizard brain ogling thigh gaps but here we are!!!! Ugh

Maybe i've seen hardcore stuff when I was young, maybe i got to know pro ana sites too early when i was too impressionable. Now, thinspo fitspo etc don't matter to me anymore. I was taking a ride on edtwit but literally yawning. Like I know it's all bullshit and like I see it as teenage whims? they all have the same way of writing and creating aesthetic themes around eating disorders, the same expressions and they are so predictable .. maybe i had my honeymoon with the hard ed a long time ago too long and I'm getting old and jaded and bitter. what i miss are the 2010 forums, pinterest and skyblog, and the first teen movies where there are borderline characters with exercise and diet or binge eating. I can't even (never have been able) to use meanspo to motivate myself, nothing works. I feel like I'm doomed to emotional eating and weight gain.

Maybe i've seen hardcore stuff when I was young, maybe i got to know pro ana sites too early when i was too impressionable. Now, thinspo fitspo etc don't matter to me anymore. I was taking a ride on edtwit but literally yawning. Like I know it's all bullshit and like I see it as teenage whims? they all have the same way of writing and creating aesthetic themes around eating disorders, the same expressions and they are so predictable .. maybe i had my honeymoon with the hard ed a long time ago too long and I'm getting old and jaded and bitter. what i miss are the 2010 forums, pinterest and skyblog, and the first teen movies where there are borderline characters with exercise and diet or binge eating. I can't even (never have been able) to use meanspo to motivate myself, nothing works. I feel like I'm doomed to emotional eating and weight gain.

I posted this in the ED Adults group also so I’m sorry if it shows for you twice...
I know this is long but I just need someone who really understands to validate my struggle and give some support.
For the last 11 years I have really been struggling. For reference I am 30 now. I am diagnosed with EDNOS because I guess my brain just can’t decide which behavior set it likes the most. For the past 10 years I considered myself “in recovery”. What a complete fucking bs lie. I am every person who struggles with a restrictive eating disorder’s nightmare. I restricted and purged my way to a “healthy weight”, went to treatment, and then over the last few years have gained 100 pounds because ~recovery~... spoiler alert... not recovery... just switched up heavy restriction and purging for BED. I figured if I wasn’t purging and I wasn’t restricting I was “recovered”. Now, we’re back on the ED behaviors HARD. I’m talking Rx diet pills, carrying 2 different laxatives in my work bag at all times and using them at least 3-4 times a week (and of course reasoning with myself that it’s because I’m constipated... which is true but BECAUSE OF HEAVY RESTRICTION), lying about having eaten already, frequently visiting ED twitter to “keep me on track”. We’re talking like 20-year-old me who wrote a pro-Ana blog and posted thinspo on tumblr circa 2010. What the fuck am I actually doing?!
This has completely consumed my life again... and I love it. It’s easy to do because I’m not doing the work of fighting my thoughts anymore. I am constantly justifying this by saying “well I am obese now. I’ll just do this until I am at a healthy weight” and we all know that’s not how this works. I just wonder if it ever gets better. Is it possible to lose weight safely and healthily and it’s not disordered? I’m starting to believe no. I saw a doctor for a while who I worked with to lose weight in a healthy way.. I lost 5 pounds and continued to be in a deficit and never lost any more weight. Have I fucked my self so badly that I can’t lose any weight unless I starve myself? I don’t know what to do. Sorry this is long I’m just dealing with the worst relapse and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. Sometimes I wonder if this IS a relapse or if I’ve never been in recovery ever. I just needed to tell SOMEONE how bad it is and what better place than here where (I hope) someone understands..

I know this is long but I just need someone who really understands to validate my struggle and give some support.
For the last 11 years I have really been struggling. For reference I am 30 now. I am diagnosed with EDNOS because I guess my brain just can’t decide which behavior set it likes the most. For the past 10 years I considered myself “in recovery”. What a complete fucking bs lie. I am every person who struggles with a restrictive eating disorder’s nightmare. I restricted and purged my way to a “healthy weight”, went to treatment, and then over the last few years have gained 100 pounds because ~recovery~... spoiler alert... not recovery... just switched up heavy restriction and purging for BED. I figured if I wasn’t purging and I wasn’t restricting I was “recovered”. Now, we’re back on the ED behaviors HARD. I’m talking Rx diet pills, carrying 2 different laxatives in my work bag at all times and using them at least 3-4 times a week (and of course reasoning with myself that it’s because I’m constipated... which is true but BECAUSE OF HEAVY RESTRICTION), lying about having eaten already, frequently visiting ED twitter to “keep me on track”. We’re talking like 20-year-old me who wrote a pro-Ana blog and posted thinspo on tumblr circa 2010. What the fuck am I actually doing?!
This has completely consumed my life again... and I love it. It’s easy to do because I’m not doing the work of fighting my thoughts anymore. I am constantly justifying this by saying “well I am obese now. I’ll just do this until I am at a healthy weight” and we all know that’s not how this works. I just wonder if it ever gets better. Is it possible to lose weight safely and healthily and it’s not disordered? I’m starting to believe no. I saw a doctor for a while who I worked with to lose weight in a healthy way.. I lost 5 pounds and continued to be in a deficit and never lost any more weight. Have I fucked my self so badly that I can’t lose any weight unless I starve myself? I don’t know what to do. Sorry this is long I’m just dealing with the worst relapse and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. Sometimes I wonder if this IS a relapse or if I’ve never been in recovery ever. I just needed to tell SOMEONE how bad it is and what better place than here where (I hope) someone understands..

That’s it that’s the post

Timeline and before photos (NSFW): http://imgur.com/a/ksYc2
Sorry this is so long - if you want to skip over there's a TL;DR at the bottom!
I can't count how many times I've taken "before photos" and told myself that's it, this is going to be the most I'll ever weigh...until a few months later until I'm back at it. I'm hoping that putting this out there in a very public way will motivate me not to fall back on my promise to myself.
For as long as I can remember I’ve been overweight. I can’t recall a time where I went to the doctor’s office and wasn’t told I’d need to lose at least a couple pounds or just flat-out scolded for my weight. I was put on diets for almost all of my childhood, starting as early as the third grade (South Beach Diet, Atkins, Weight Watchers, and Jenny Craig). This went on until 8th grade and as a result of being a pre-pubescent child on calorie restrictive diet, my relationship with food quickly became been a toxic one.
In high school, I played water polo and it was a very demanding sport. I was required to train year round and I didn’t diet while doing it. I consumed way more than I should have, but the sport helped keep my body in check. I was still overweight, but I didn’t balloon up. When I stopped playing but didn’t change my eating habits is when problems started to arise. When I realized just how big I’d gotten I found the thinspo and weight loss community on Tumblr and things kind of went downhill. (TW?) I started restricting, fasting, and purging. For the first time in a long while, I started seeing drastic and quick results and I loved it. I was waking up early and going to the gym, I joined swim team again, I looked forward to working out, but at the same time I was binging on donuts and throwing up in plastic bags in my car. Between November 2010 and the winter of 2011 my eating habits fluctuated as I desperately tried maintain my disordered eating.
In the beginning of 2012, I moved to the east coast for college and fell into a deep depression. My weight quickly spiked up to around 250 pounds from all the eating and lack of exercise. It was horrible. Suddenly absolutely nothing fit, I had stretch marks on my stomach, legs, and arms, and couldn’t get my boots around my calf. I couldn’t buy clothing in retail stores anymore and had to look for specialty sizes.
My family has a history of heart disease and diabetes, so the extra pounds are something I need to get rid of sooner rather than later. Ever since 2012 I’ve felt the physical tolls of my extra weight. I have difficulty walking for a long time, difficulty working out - even light exercise - and problems walking up just a few flights of stairs. On a more superficial level, I don't like they way I look anymore which prevents me from putting myself out there.
I'm also trying to transition into a mostly plant-based diet. I have a friend who made the transition into a vegan lifestyle about a year ago and she's inspired me to make changes here and there. Admittedly, I don't eat plant-based when I go out to restaurants with friends, but when I cook for myself I don't use any animal product. I'm trying to be way more diligent about logging my intake on MFP, as nearly all of the weight loss posts I see here cite CICO as a major factor.
Sorry, I know this was so long, but thank you for reading! I can't wait to start this journey.
TL;DR: Horrible relationship with food and major depression lead me to 290 lbs. I'm trying to transition to a plant-based diet and become healthy and happy along the way.