Vanessa hudgens no clothes on pictures

(NOT ASKING FOR A RATING!!)(16yr old sophomore)After I spent this entire school year loosing weight and changing my style and hair completely I came to the realization that no matter how much fat I loose, how cool my clothes look or how smooth my face is, I will always be ugly because of my face shape. I have a long face, My forehead is average size, my nose is long and hooked, my lips are small in size and is pretty far away from my nose and I have a 2 inch long chin. I wear glasses that make my eyes look smaller bc I have prescription glasses, but without them I look off since they help take away from my huge eyes with barely any eye lashes. My face looks pretty androgynous but not in the hot way. I look like the combination of a little boy and a women. On top of that I have a soft jawline so my side profile is atrocious. No matter what bathroom I’d walk into you’d question if I was a women or a man. When I dress feminine I’m told I look like a trans women by one of my friends. When I dress masculine I get told I look like a little boy. As of right now, my face is still a little bit chubby, and I’m kind of skinny fat.
I’m trying hard to be able to get even more fit so I at least look bearable to look at. I hate that I complained for 2 years abt my looks and didn’t make a change until this school year, so I practically wasted my teenage years being ugly. But what even is the point now tbh I’ll always be deemed unattractive no matter what I do. I wish that what was ugly about me was simply weight or acne. I’m jealous of people who are for that reason because once you loose it, you’re pretty. What is ugly about me cannot be changed unless I get surgery. Id like to consider getting it some day, but then when I’d look in the mirror it wouldn’t really be me. Or, what if it makes me worse?
(I added pictures of how I look as of rn the last one is from little over a year ago, In the first 2 photos though I’m wearing concealer(and contour) to hide the pigmentation on my skin because my face is naturally pretty red. Might delete this post later since Idk how to feel about sharing my face on the internet)

Hiya, 18y/o transfem here. I'm almost done with high school, and I started HRT (150mg spiro, 4mg oral E tablets) in February. Apologies if the structure of this post is hard to read, I'm kinda thinking in bullet points right now lol
After this summer is over, I'll be in college. I will also likely have a job over the summer. I have no idea what to do about this.
I have been boymoding hard, and I'm only out to my friends at my school. Hell, I've known I'm trans for over 1.5 years and still don't have a name figured out.
I think it'd be really cool to be mostly transitioned before college, but I just don't know how to approach that, or how to approach having a job and socially transitioning during it.
I think I'll be able to pass decently, especially as my HRT progresses. But I don't know what to do about the social side. I don't know if I should wear makeup everyday, and to what extent, and I have very little experience with makeup.
I haven't been voice training, and I want to keep my (somewhat deep) voice pitch but have it be more feminine (I love deep feminine voices and want to have one) but I just haven't been working on it.
I haven't gotten any new clothes, and I've just been wearing my standard "boy clothes; "pants and my standard t-shirts plus light jackets/hoodies (I wore hoodies during winter but it's getting hotter now so I've been wearing a lightweight and thin black smartwool jacket, mainly to hide my growing breasts. I made a sports bra out of some boxer brief underwear I have but that's about it. I don't think I have the confidence to wear more feminine clothing at the moment, and I'm not sure I want to because I like to present somewhat androgynously/like a tomboy.
I haven't picked out a name, I've pulled my hair out over some names, and figured out some ones I might like, but I just cant decide on one that feels like it "clicks" if that makes sense. I've been attempting to come up with desert and weather related names because I like those aesthetics a lot.
I guess I'm just overwhelmed, naive, and thoroughly stuck in my comfort zone. How do I proceed? Does it make sense to wear makeup? How do I present myself? Do I wear different clothes? Maybe buy a bra (well, I guess I gotta do that eventually lol)? How do I start voice training but while keeping a deepish pitch (I tried getting into transvoicelessons' videos but i just got lost with information)? How do I figure out a name that I like? How do I approach work while transitioning? Is it even reasonable to go mostly stealth before college, and would I need makeup to wear everyday? I guess some of this depends on what I look like, but I don't currently feel comfortable with posting pictures of myself to strangers lol
(sidenote: I'll be dorming with my friends, so I'm not too worried about
TL;DR How do I proceed to transition socially before college, and is it even possible to do so? What do I do in regards to clothing, makeup, my name, and my voice?
Any advice is appreciated, or just reading this is fine :) It does feel nice to write down these feelings at the least, lol. Thanks for reading all of this

I Accepted a Job to Film on the Dark Web
Man, I am pumped to tell you chronically online content addicts my story. Wait is that too mean of an intro? Will this get taken down for harassment since I painted too accurate a picture of the people on this site? Sorry, everyone, I’m sure you all smell like an expensive bakery and have touched grass this morning. Anyway, I promise I have something interesting. It even involves the dark web you uncreative writers cream yourselves over! I mean, totally real people speaking about their strangely similar experiences. Okay, fine I’ll stop bullying you through the screen before you click off.
This all started when I was seven years old and my parents were killed in front of me in an anti-indigenous hate crime, but let's be real you don’t care. I’m just some annoying Cherokee kid with dead parents so I’ll skip to the good parts. I spent years in an orphanage, gradually becoming more interested in death and violence. As bad as it is, I went out of my way to expose myself to that content in the hopes of desensitizing myself. Which ended up working too well, since now I’m obsessed with causing and viewing pain, though I don’t find any joy in hurting myself.
I got adopted at twelve and after a few months of staying at my new family’s home on the reservation, I went with them to a state sweatier than the average Reddit user, California. Long story short, both of my caretakers, whom I referred to as Uncle and Auntie because they could never be my parents, died. Leaving me in the care of their older son, who I call cousin. I’m not stupid enough to give up any real names, so I’ll call him Brick, cause he’s as dumb as one. He was in his early 20s when he was tasked with taking care of me and is the world’s worst excuse for a babysitter.
I’m almost always alone at the apartment, with him only coming by to drop off supplies and stay for a few hours so the neighbors don’t get too worried. Unless I get in trouble at school, then he’d suddenly give a shit. It's useful because he doesn't about the gory stuff I look at, but some display of interest would be nice. Oh well, ninety percent of the population sucks so he’s just part of the majority. Now, with that said, you’ll be able to understand the perfect storm that led me here. During my time on the deep web, I found a particular website that caught my eye. They had new footage relatively consistently and they were the easiest for me to access since I didn't go too far into the dark web, especially with all the honey pots lying around.
I even bought a couple of files for myself to study and admire. One thing irritated me though, the cameraman. He was always sobbing, breathing, shaking, or some combination of those. It seriously killed the vibe of the killings. Something I commented on under many videos, often saying I would do a better job filming. A choice that in hindsight was me asking to end up in one of those recordings. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was mostly the only one who commented but I was sure they wouldn't care. I was embarrassingly wrong.
I was staying up like usual, but it was past one AM on a school night, and back then that was a lot so I tried to sleep. Closing my eyes, tossing and turning, the works. I had just started drifting off when I heard the front door open. I remained calm but immediately found it weird since Brick never showed up this late. The thuds of the individual's feet grew louder as they got closer to my bedroom. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a stranger, especially since they got in with ease, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
They hummed as they opened my door. My dumbass had left it unlocked. I remained on my side, trying to look like I was asleep. They turned on the flashlight of their phone, shining it in my face. It was hard but I stayed still while they traced it over my features. I could tell they were smiling as they clicked their tongue.
“Heh, I knew it was a brat,” they whispered to themselves, pulling tangles out of my hair. Something I struggled not to groan from. They pulled up the hair over my ear and got so close spit got on my ear lobe.
“I know you’re awake kid,” they murmured, putting a blade to my neck. I let them grab my shoulder and move me onto my back, I knew how to fight but I wasn't about to take that big a risk with the position they had me in.
“You think you’re so cool saying you can do better than our guy.” they snickered, kneeling, their flashlight still shining in my face.
“Do you seriously believe that?” they questioned, moving the light away.
“Yeah, I do.” I stood my ground, they might have been intimidating but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from being honest.
“I wouldn't sound like I’m gonna piss myself every time it gets gory. I’m confident I could get better footage too, getting up close is something I’ve fantasized about.”
They clicked their tongue again and ran their finger over the bridge of my nose.
”Well, I know you’re a big fan of what we do, and you’re confidence makes me think you got something to back those claims up, so how’d you like a deal?”
I was surprised by how civil they were being aside from the touching and weapon against my throat.
“What kind of deal?” I asked, for all I knew this guy wanted me to lick their feet or some weird shit like that. They placed a finger underneath my eye, tracing a half moon with their nail.
“You have till this Friday to film a video of you killing an animal and put it on a flash drive that I’ll pick up here. If it impresses me and the crew we’ll hire ya with a handsome salary.” They began, moving their hand down to my cheek.
“But if you don't show, or it doesn't meet our standards, then I’m fucking up one of the parts of your face.” They warned, pinching my skin harshly.
“And if I say no to this deal?”
They put their hand over my mouth, scratching my lips.
“That’s cute, if you say no I’ll just slit your throat.” they grinned.
“Or rip it open with my teeth if you got a preference,” they smirked, before running their tongue across their sharp teeth.
“Okay, since I have no choice I’ll go with it, but I’m telling you now I can give you something way better than what you likely expect of me.” I prefaced, looking into their sunken eyes. They scratched my scalp, including the side of my head that was shaved.
“Good choice, I’ll be back to pick it up and if you're not here I’ll assume you don’t have the video. I genuinely wish you luck, because you’ll need it.” they removed the blade from my neck and walked away. I sat still for a few minutes in the dark, processing what had happened and wondering how they got into my apartment with such ease. I was confident I could blow their sniveling excuse of a cameraman out of the water, but I was worried about the people I was getting caught up with.
Sure, I had been on a lot of gore sites over the years but I was always just watching and occasionally commenting. Compared to most in the scene I wasn't much of a threat. I could defend myself and have contemplated killing for years but I hadn't murdered anyone or worse. Plus, I am part of way too many targeted groups to not be constantly at risk. Teenage, fem-leaning, two-spirit, indigenous kid with trauma? Yeah, I might as well be walking sign screaming “Hate crime me”.
So yeah, there was a lot to worry about. Regardless, I couldn't let that fear hold me back. I had a job to do and a group of sickos to appease. The next morning was rough, I got no sleep cause I’d spent all night brainstorming. I barely mustered the energy to change and drank straight mouthwash instead of brushing my teeth. Slogging onto the bus with drool on my cheek, I went to the back like usual. No one sat there cause, the seats were extra worn down, and I scared off anyone who attempted to with my active, rabies-infected bitch face. That day was different though.
I blanked on his name and where I knew him from, but I recognized his wavy hair and prominent curved nose. He glanced at each seat on the bus, before somehow settling on my area. He tried to give me space but ultimately seated himself beside me after realizing it was the only spot that didn't look like it would give him cancer. I glared at him as I did with everyone, but it didn't phase him.
“You know you could pick anywhere else right?” I murmured. He stared at the floor, then at me.
“I’m aware, but a few months ago I started a mission to sit on every part of this bus, and this is the last place.” he smiled, his lips softly curving at the sides.
“What’s the point of that?”
His mouth moved into a more neutral position, but his eyes kept smiling.
“I just thought it would be neat to see the same place from a bunch of different perspectives.” he took out his phone and snapped a photo from the point of view where he was sitting. Maybe my sleepiness made my bitch face less effective, cause he hadn't shown a hint of fear, which kind of annoyed me.
“That’s cool I guess, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. I’ve done some back here alone that would make your skin crawl.” in hindsight my attempt at unnerving him just made me sound like a pervert, which is probably why he held back laughter. Trying to hide a chuckle by clearing his throat.
“Hey, it's not my business what you do, no matter how Haram it is. It’s your life so that’s between you and whatever you believe in. Just don’t shake hands with me.” he joked, playfully putting his hands up. Strangely, I remembered his name at that moment.
“Oh shit, you’re Abdul! We have art together.” I sat up, haphazardly slamming my hand down on my leg.
“Uh yeah, I’ve seen some of your paintings, they’re pretty cool. I like the way you texture them, I’m trying to work on that.” he complimented, seeming more weirded out by my sudden energy than my accidental insinuation. I felt a little stupid for yelling his name but decided not to dwell on it.
“Thanks, you’re stuff is nice, and you’re good at shading.”
He stretched his arms while thanking me. We talked for a few more minutes, taking jabs at each other throughout. Turns out he was better at being an asshole than his artsy charismatic appearance made me think. The thing setting our insults apart being that you could tell he was a loving person underneath. It was the nicest conversation I had with anyone in a while. Though he could tell I was tired so he quieted down, letting me sleep, waking me when we got to school. We went our separate ways until the last two periods we shared. All that time, I spent my remaining energy plotting how I was going to handle the video. What I’d kill, record with, and how to dispose of the evidence. It was a lot to consider, but through three classes I devised a plan.
I’d find a stray around my apartment complex and take it out in my room. Record it on a portable camera since I broke the ones on my phone, no, I will not be answering how that happened. Then once I had my footage I’d put the body in a trash bag, throw it in the complex’s garbage, and clean the blood off my floor. It didn't seem like Brick would come by so he wasn't a factor I thought I’d have to consider. The plan was almost too easy, but I decided to believe in Occam’s razor. I got so lost in thought that by the time I reached Art, which was my second-to-last period, I didn't process that we were moving seats.
“She called your name,” Abdul reminded me. Our teacher placed us next to each other at our four-person table. The two girls sitting with us were already friends, so I didn't bother to say anything, but I was interested in talking to him more.
“So, what do you think of this assignment?” He shrugged, taking out his sketchbook.
“I’m not that good at drawing people, but the idea of combining two people’s faces into a portrait seems interesting. Any ideas on who you’ll pick?”
“Probably the members of the music duo Brain Tumor, they’re my favorite artists and they both look weird as hell.”
“Wow way to talk about your favorites, if that’s what you say about them I can‘t imagine what you have to say about me.” he joked, pulling up reference pictures.
“First, it’s not an insult, second I don’t have anything to say about you. Brain and Tumor have features and styles that make them stand out. Sure they’re ugly, but it just adds to their visual charm. Hot people are boring, there’s nothing to pick at.” I explained, unzipping my bag.
“Oh, so you’re saying you think I’m hot.”
His comment wasn’t serious but it kind of got to me.
“Shit, that’s not what I meant, I was trying to say you’re boring. All hot people are boring, but not all boring people are hot, okay?” I explained, flipping to a clean page.
“Alright, but if I’m so bland then why talk to me?”
I hesitated, contemplating how much of a dick I was gonna be.
“Because it means you probably need some spice in your life, which I can provide.”
He began sketching a head on his paper.
“I like spices, but I feel like you’re the kind of person to dump a cabinet’s worth onto me.”
I flicked my pencil over to his side of the desk, putting on a mocking grin.
“Aww, you scared I’m gonna get you into trouble?”
He picked up the pencil and started using it, putting his on my side.
“No, ‘cause I’m good at setting boundaries. I’m more concerned that you’ll get annoyed with how unafraid of you I am.”
I stared at him for a moment, I hadn't expected to hear that.
“Jeez, man you didn't have to read me like that.”
He shrugged, observing the red paint from past projects that lay on my pencil.
“It's not hard to figure out, just this morning you were trying to push me away on the bus. Lucky, or unlucky, for you I want you to have a friend and you seem like a fun person.”
“Wait are you saying I have no friends?” I squinted at him.
“Well, do you?”
I didn't answer.
“If your response is silence I suggest you take up my offer.”
I was stunned, to be honest. No one had offered to be my friend since 6th grade, and that didn't last long. Of course, I accepted it, but for the rest of the period, there was an awkwardness in my mind. As pathetic as it sounds I wasn't used to others genuinely enjoying my company like he did. Which was partly by design cause I get joy out of scaring people away, but still. I forgot how it felt to have conversations about normal things like art. He had such a nice smile too, usually when I see a grin I want to slap it off, but I liked his. His voice was also nice, it’s hard to describe what in particular but it was easy on the ears.
Okay, I’m starting to get off-topic. I’ll skip to the important part. Toward the end of class, he started talking about how he was interested in filmmaking and got a portable video camera as a gift at last year’s Eid. He didn't have it on him, but he showed me a picture.
“Heh, that’s funny, I bought the same one a month ago.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, it's a popular model, I’m still getting the hang of it though cause I’m so used to using my phone.”
“Well, maybe I could bring you over to my place or vice versa after school and I can help you out.” I suggested.
He smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I thought you said you’ve only had it for a month? You know I can always look up tutorials from trained professionals.” he reminded me with a notable smugness that I'd used with him before.
“Well those guys are stuffy and I’m a fast learner.”
He redirected his attention back to his page, picking his pencil up.
“Alright, I suggest we go somewhere public instead. You’re not exactly the kind of person I want to bring home to my parents right away. Plus they always need to meet my friends and their guardians before I hang out at their home.”
I gave an exaggerated sigh, stretching my back.
“Aw man, looks like we can’t get high in my murder pit during our first hangout.”
He didn't respond for a solid few seconds.
“Wait, you do know I'm joking right?”
He shrugged, the smile in his eyes appearing again.
“I mean, one of those things is a little less believable than the other.” he snickered, and I laughed with him.
We set up a time and a date, which is where I screwed myself. He ended up being busy with projects from his other classes and family which just left us with Friday, the same day I had to submit the video. Now, did I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it? No, of course not, because I decided to be stupid and even more overconfident. I said that I’d one hundred percent be able to hang out with him after school like I didn't have a mutilator who was going to drop by my place at an unknown time.
The rest of the day went over fine but that bad timing led me to feel like a dick later. When I got home I was able to write out my plan, even sketching a few specifics of what I’d do. It was more exciting than when I’d been brainstorming, but this is when the gravity of the situation began to set in. When I said I’d fantasized about killings I meant it. I mean my teddy with twenty-five stab wounds should say enough. Regardless this would be the first time real blood was on my hands.
It made me feel powerful, but a little afraid. I’ve heard stories of people thinking that it would be an awesome experience and then feeling like shit. I doubted I’d be one of those people but still. Plus, I didn't exactly trust the guy who gave me this job. There was a good chance that this whole situation was rigged and they’d kill me no matter how good the video was. Or worse turn me into the feds and expose my collection. Honestly, if that happened I’d probably eat a shot to avoid going to jail. Wait, can I say that on this platform? Okay to the mods, that was a joke, I want to live a long life. Ugh, I’m doing a terrible job of staying on track. The point is there was a lot up in the air despite it being a matter of life or death.
I knew I’d go through with it but it was still a lot less straightforward than it initially seemed. I wracked my brain to remember where most of the cats stayed and tried to come up with a good way to lure one without raising suspicion. This also proved harder than first thought because I didn't think to account for the cat man, an old guy who lived alone and fed all the cats in our dingy complex while also housing a few. Knowing how obsessive he was he’d probably notice if one of them disappeared. Then again not all the cats return consistently or at all. It makes more sense that he’d think one of them was run over rather than slaughtered. It was getting late again so I rested my head for a moment, a bad move cause I ended up falling asleep at my desk. Not even changing out of the clothes I’d worn before, I woke up late and barely caught the bus the next morning.
I went to my usual spot but Abdul had already taken it. He patted the area next to it, which he’d covered in a towel, a smart move knowing how nasty it was. People gave me a few dirty looks as normal, which I smiled at. I stretched, my mind slightly less out of it than the previous morning.
“Uh, you do realize that-”
“Yeah, I know I’m wearing the same clothes.”
Abdul looked me up and down, his eyes remaining soft, but with a mix of concern and judgment. He set his backpack down and took off his sweater handing it to me.
“Dude what are you-”
“Look I don't know what led to you not being able to change but I think you should at least have a fresh top.”
I was surprised he was offering me something to wear but I took it.
“Uh, thanks, I’ll change into it later.”
He nodded as I put it in my backpack.
“You know you didn't have to do that.” I reminded him.
“Well there’s a lot of stuff I don’t have to do, but I do it because I want to, and I wanted to help you out.”
He smiled, his face still warmer than an Arizona summer. I got a strange feeling in my chest at that moment, I still can’t tell if it was good or bad.
“Well, thanks, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.”
We talked a little more and he mentioned something that caught my attention.
“Have you heard about all the animals that have been turning up dead?”
My eyes widened with surprise.
“No, I haven't, when did you hear about that?”
He pulled on his long-sleeve shirt.
“My sister said her friend who works at a shelter noticed a bunch of animals were getting adopted by people around the same time, and since then gore videos with them have been showing up. She found out through her co-worker who was emailed it by some random creep.”
I covered my mouth and looked away to hide the smile growing on my face. He had just given me the perfect cover-up without knowing. Now if I killed an animal people had an entire violent ring to connect it to instead of me! I stayed quiet for a minute because I could tell he’d likely see through any phony sad sounds I made.
“Oh wow, that’s awful, do you think they’ll ever find out the people behind it?”
He sighed, running his hand through his wavy hair.
“I hope so, for now, all we can do is pray that no more animals get hurt.”
I couldn't contain my grin as he said that so sincerely like animals and people didn't die constantly and that taking down one group would somehow stop the issue.
“Is there some joke I don’t get?” he furrowed his brow.
“Uh, no, sorry I smile when nervous.”
His gaze softened again, and he didn't press further.
His bringing up the animal killings ended up being the exact push I needed to get my hands dirty. I’d spent the entire day before planning so it was time to put that plan into action. I stole some cat treats that the cat man had laid out and spread them around my apartment which was on the bottom floor. Waiting for one of them to take the bate outside my window was pretty boring but one of them came after a few minutes. A scraggly brown and black cat with a tuft of fur missing on one side of his head. It's messed up but I felt like a little less of an asshole for taking him in since he looked like he was already struggling. I scooped him up and he didn't attempt to fight back.
“Hey there buddy” I waved, feeding him some more food. His eyes had a lot of crust on them, it was kinda gross but I don’t have the right to say with how often I wash my jeans. After a minute or two he let me pet him. I knew making any kind of attachment was bad but I thought it was the right thing to do so he’d fall into a sense of security. I was just about to take him into my room when the door opened.
“Hey, I’m back with groceries!” my shithead cousin announced with two plastic bags in his hands. He looked down to see me with the cat, his eyebrows raising.
“Aw come on, you know we can’t afford a pet.”
He groaned placing the bags on a table and unloading them.
“I know, but he doesn't look like he’s got a lot of life in him I at least want to help him feel better before he kicks the bucket!”
Brick rolled his eyes, putting the cereal box on top of the fridge
“Jeez, did you even think about what diseases he might have? His eyes look puffy what if he has something that can get you sick?”
He had valid concerns which was surprising since he’s usually stupid, but I was still annoyed with him.
“I’m sure he’s fine, I’ll even try to wash him, just please let me hold onto him for a little.”
He folded his arms looking down at us.
“Have you even named him?”
I froze for a second, before using the first thing that came to mind, which ended up being pretty awful knowing my plans.
“Cash cow.” I blurted, awkwardly patting his head.
“Honestly that’s better than what I was expecting. I was sure you’d pick ‘Hellspawn Mcgee’ or something else corny.”
He meant to make fun of me but honestly, I would have named him that if I had more time.
“Ugh, anyway I got those dumb chips you like.”
He then pulled out a bag of the wrong chips.
“Dude those are the wrong ones, this is the third time you’ve mixed up the flavors.”
He threw them at me, scaring the cat slightly.
“Well, I pay for it so you shouldn't be so picky. Anyway, while I was in line I picked up something you might be into.”
He then tossed me a trashy teen magazine. One of my least favorite sorry excuses for an influencer on the cover.
“This is a joke, right?”
I couldn't believe my own adopted brother gave such little shit in my interests.
“I don't know, you decided to start being a girl for real this time so I thought the makeup tips on page ten would help you out.”
I scrunched my face at his comment.
“Dude I’ve been this way for years, just because I started wearing more makeup and dresses doesn't mean I’m more of a girl than when I didn't. I know you won’t get the two-spirit thing but come on.”
He shrugged, seeing me done with me even though he’d just shown up.
“Yeah well hey I’m trying. Anyway, just so you know a friend of mine is coming here Friday.”
My heart stopped.
“Wait why here? You live elsewhere why can’t you assholes go there or their place!”
He slammed his fist on the table.
“Will you shut the fuck up!”
He screamed with a phrase I’d grown numb to.
“I don't know, to be honest, something about wanting to move into this complex and this being a way to scout it out. I’m just letting you know now so you don’t act like a complete freak.”
“Jokes on you I’ll piss in whatever shitty beer you bring just cause you said that!”
I yelled back raising my voice higher than his. He face-palmed before putting the plastic bags in the drawer under the sink.
“Whatever, you and your ketamine-addict-looking cat have fun,” he told me while seating himself on the couch. I picked up the cat and walked into the bathroom to clean it. I closed the door and placed him in the dry tub. Using a small disposable mouthwash cup I got a little bit of water. I hadn't had a pet before so I wasn't sure how to approach the task. I dipped my fingers in the water and carefully pet it while pouring s small bit down his back. Any other cat would fight back but he just made pissed-off noises without doing anything.
I scrapped my old shampoo bottle and kneaded it into his thin fur. His skin was bumpy and dry beneath the hair so scrubbing it was uncomfortable. I made sure to avoid getting soap in its eyes but I did pull away some of the crust on its lids. His pupils were so clouded I was surprised that he could see at all, making me feel even more sure that he would be on its way out with or without me.
After drying him I set him on a beat-up shirt I wore when modifying clothes. He sunk his claws into it a few times, playing with a loose string. I ignored him for the rest of the night, hopping into the shower and changing for bed. His meows woke me up a few times but I tuned it out after a while, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my cat for long.
The next day was Thursday and there wasn't a second that passed by where the weight of the murder I’d have to commit didn't weigh on me. I seriously shot myself in the foot by taking care of that scruffy, pubic hair pile. I was supposed to be hyped about killing it, after all, I’d dreamed and seen way worse than what I was going to do. Yet once I got home and started setting up I felt grosser with each step. I decided to record it in my bathroom instead of my bedroom so it would be harder to connect to me. I set down a few fabric scraps and a worn-out beach towel, placing it all inside a tub for easier cleanup later.
“Okay, I guess it's time,” I mumbled to myself. I brought the cat in and placed it down, setting up my camera once it was comfortable. I also wore my most generic clothes in addition to a mask, putting my hair in a bun for sanitation. When I saw the flicker of red showing that the camera was on I felt I was dreaming. I smiled, excited that I’d get to live out my violent desires. Yet, when I looked down at its pathetic frame and confused expression those urges left me.
I rationalized what I was doing, reminding myself how many animals die all the time and that I’d been forced into this, but it didn't help much in the end. I won’t get into it but under the pressure of impressing the group Cash Cow didn't go out as fast as I would have liked for a first task. Getting rid of the evidence was especially rough, the textures were pretty nasty, to put it mildly. It was surreal watching the blood go down the tub drain and gradually drip off my hands as I rinsed them. I couldn't conjure a single thought the entire time I cleaned it up.
Whether I was wringing out the clothes or putting the remains in plastic bags, it didn't matter. All I could focus on was the task at hand, with hints of disgust along the way. I ended up finishing at three AM. My hands were wrinkled and shook once I settled. I won’t deny that during the murder I didn't hate it. Slashing into something was fun and it made me feel strong. Still, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I expected it to be. Part of it was guilt, but it was mostly disappointment. I’d built it up for years and it wasn't earth shatteringly good or bad.
Overall, I expected to feel more, but it just left me hollow with an uncomfortable itch. There was no way I’d ever be able to see the tub the same way, hell I don’t think I’ll ever use it again. Luckily I almost always shower anyway so it's not too big of a deal. I watched a few horror game videos, trashed everything, changed and went to bed.
My scalp hurt like a bitch the morning since I kept my hair in that stupid bun. Despite getting less sleep than the past two days I held myself together a bit better in the morning. I brushed my teeth, changed, and had some fried bread before getting on the bus. Regardless I looked like complete shit and struggled to slump into my seat.
“Rough night?” Abdul asked
“Uh, yeah.” I quietly responded looking to the floor.
He frowned, looking at me with concern.
“You can talk about it if you're comfortable,” he assured me. I contemplated giving him a thinly veiled metaphor or vague explanation so he'd comfort me but stopped myself before my mouth could run a muck. He wouldn't be able to do much of anything and I don’t like opening up.
“Uhm, thanks but it's something I have to deal with alone.”
He nodded, respecting my boundaries.
“You know, I understand if you can’t hang out today it seems like you have a lot going on.”
I avoided eye contact with him as he spoke. For once I was feeling hints of guilt toward a person. I wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I wasn't in the state to do that.
“Yeah, I think it’ll have to wait, I’m-” I cut myself off before apologizing. A fact about me that should surprise no one is that I hate apologizing. Even when I do feel kinda bad the act fills me with embarrassment.
“You what?” he asked, his eyes telling me that he knew what I was going to say.
“I’m emotionally not great.” I spat out in an admittedly poor attempt to get out of saying sorry. As always he remained calm but I could tell he saw through me.
“Okay, like I said I understand, whatever it is I hope you feel better.”
I told him thank you and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, I wasn't bouncing back from killing nearly as much as I expected.
“It wasn't even that bad! That thing was on its last legs anyway.” I grumbled to myself, smacking my forehead. I was feeling worse than when I did it which is weird. I ended up spontaneously decorating a ratty tie from the bottom of an accessory drawer to distract myself. It helped me get my mind off things, for a little. I had zero plan, just wanting to make something needlessly complex. Hours that felt like minutes passed and soon it was covered in patches, frills, and beads. I just tried it on when I heard the front door open.
“Man, that shit was wild!” I heard Brick laugh groggily. I didn't have to see or smell him to know he’d gotten lit. I rolled my eyes, closing my bedroom door.
“Hey, who’s there?” his friend asked, seemingly referring to me.
“Oh, that’s my little sis, don’t mind her she’s just on her emo shit!” he joked, which pissed me off for the petty reason that I didn't even listen or dress emo.
“Hey, that’s alright with me, I went through one of those phases,” they responded, their words less slurred than my cousin’s.
I fucked up and forgot to lock it when I closed it so they were able to swing it open, almost smacking my desk.
“Hey emo girl!” they waved as Brick haphazardly pulled them back.
“Okay, man, seriously I think she wants to be left alone.”
The way his friend looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they’d snap my neck if I pissed them off. They clicked their tongue while stepping through the door frame.
“Alright, but I gotta say calling her an emo is inaccurate, they look like they watch gore and most emos just say they do.” they flashed a sharp toothy grin. At that moment I began to connect the dots.
“Easy, she’ll get pissy with you dude, now come on.” Brick warned tugging their opened button pushed him away. They looked me dead in the eyes.
“I don’t think she minds, in truth, I feel like we’ll have a lot to discuss later.” they smiled again, finally walking back into the living room. A chill ran up my spine when I saw them. The sharp teeth, New York accent, unsettling gaze, that motherfucker was the person who recruited me! They were able to get into my place so easily cause my dumbass cousin probably gave them a spare key or the opportunity to make one, and now they were a room away from me!
I dug my hands into my pillow as I contemplated what to do, no matter what happened next, I knew it was gonna be a rough visit.

More misery bird? More misery bird. Really miserymaxxing with these fics I have going, but hey, this one is not that miserable actually! Krekos is back and ready to be dense and downcast, but maybe not quite miserable? Read and see!
Big thank you to NoP community for being great and supportive of my endeavors!
Also, obviously, big thanks to SpacePaladin15 for creating this universe and allowing fanfiction well to flow free!
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Memory transcription subject: Krekos, Krakotl Refugee
Date [standardized human time]: May 6th, 2137
I stare at the foul creature before me. Normally staring at something directly head on like that would be too predatory for me to do, but after nearly dying of bread yesterday, I didn’t feel patient enough to be gentle. The creature stared right back, though in a much more natural, prey-like way, tilting its head slightly as it looked back at me with one eye and let out a long bwok.
“Are you doing this now? Really?”, I ask, knowing full well it cannot respond.
Well, it can, if another bwok it made is any indication. Of course, translators aren’t yet advanced enough to translate non-sapient speech, but the intention behind sound is intuitively clear. It’s telling me to back off. Well, I tried the diplomatic approach at least.
Raising my wing I begin sliding the bird out of its nest, careful to keep any delicate joints out of its reach. It started clucking in upset indignation, struggling back and even trying to peck at me, but after realizing that I will not relent, it hopped out of the box and rushed out of the cattle house, revealing a single dead egg in the nesting box.
With relief, I finally pick up the last egg and head back to leave them at the house. Turns out that while Reginald didn’t forget to both lock them up yesterday and let them out today, he did neglect feeding them both times, as well as collecting the harvest. So when I was driven back here in early morning, the first thing I did was making sure they were taken care of. I can’t say the horrid birds looked in any way hungry, but the moment I poured the feeding grain for them, they attacked it with more viciousness than I’d expect of an actual predator. And yet only thirteen were present at the feeding, as the one that’s usually the target of flock’s ire remained in the cattle house yet again, Reginald leaving it to it, being unaware of its undesirable habit of trying to hatch dead eggs.
With eggs delivered, I flew my way to my usual spot atop the cattle house and could finally relax. The loner beast first made its way to feast on the scraps of the grain that other birds already all have had their fill of, so I wasn’t too concerned. Instead I tried to reflect on the morning I had so far.
Waking up at the hospital did make me momentarily panic before I remembered the precluding events. Not that I could properly panic, feeling the most starved I’ve been my whole life, and too weak to try flying out of the window. Thankfully, the breakfast they provided was actually well made with krakotl needs in mind, algae soup alongside a few slices of bread, this time without any horrid human ideas like putting eggs in there. Eggs! Turns out they put eggs in some kinds of bread! That’s how I got sick! Eggs! The thought of what I consumed even now made me queasy, and it definitely made breakfast a much less appetizing affair than it would have been without that knowledge, but back then the hunger won over the disgust.
Lena did keep her promise and came to pick me up extra early. Her being a staff member at the hospital gave her some extra privilege, I assume, hence why I was released without any forms needing to be filled out personally. She did have important business today too, which probably explained the earlyness and urgency of her driving me back to her house.
That did not mean I escaped her ire, however. While I couldn’t pinpoint anything to identify the man, as Bob was apparently a common name, that offered me bread, we did come to understanding that he was likely either unaware of the nutritional contents of it, or of extent to which the Cure-induced allergy would be affecting a krakotl. Yet, Lena seemed much angrier at me for failing to take any precautions. Turns out that was the purpose of medicinal injectors, epipens as humans call them, that were provided to me. I was supposed to have them on me in case I accidentally ingested contaminated food. Nobody told me that, I was just handed them back when I first received the necessities at the refugee camp and I had no clue what they were for. Then she also berated me for eating random food from strangers and ignoring bad flavors. Turns out that brioche bread isn’t actually bitter at all, and that was my body reacting to an allergen in it. Reaction that I unwisely elected to ignore, to further ire of my host. By the end, several new rules of my stay here were made, including not eating things I don’t know and always having at least one epipen on me. Thankfully, these rules would be ones I’d start following even without them being established, so I won’t have to concern myself with being kicked out over accidentally breaking them.
As if following the rules will be enough to make them like you.
Trying to distract myself from thoughts of yesterday’s incident, I focused my attention on the flock. All birds accounted for, so at least I knew that my absence did not result in the predator coming to snatch one of them. I do not wish to insult my hosts, but Reginald is far from most attentive people in matters unrelated to his job, and I am not sure the birds were watched at all while I was out. Speaking of, my scannings of surrounding treelines revealed no sign of the predator today. Perhaps it departed to hunt elsewhere, or maybe it ventured too close to a more populated area and exterminators dealt with it.
Actually, did human exterminators work similar to Federation ones? I knew for a fact they had them, although they seemed like a market of private organizations if advertisements are anything to judge by. Still, what methods do they use? I know humans oppose fire, and do not believe in predatory taint, but surely they have measures to protect themselves? They are, by self-admission, far from the best natural predator, and I doubt Earth’s non-sapient predators would just leave humans be. Maybe I should call one of those human exterminator agencies and call them in to deal with that predator? I haven’t told Lena or Reginald about it, as I didn’t want to bother them, but it could pose a serious threat to the cattle, but maybe that’s the way I could resolve it without involving them?
I have not done nearly as much research into human culture and lifestyle as I should have, considering that I’ve lived on Earth for over half a year now, but the sheer width of the topic always overwhelmed me the moment I opened internet search app to the point where I just closed it right away.
And you expect to start studying again with that attitude? You’ll flunk out even from this primitive predator education course.
Extra loud call from the flock made me refocus my attention on them, but it was nothing. Just the loner getting pecked extra hard and lashing out against assailants, causing a small aimless stampede as all the birds ran around in circles, puffing up at one another. The assailants now looked a lot more like victims. I could understand those birds more than I could humans at least. The loner bird is clearly an odd one out. It’s the only one repeatedly trying to hatch unfertilized eggs it lays, and it seems to always avoid the rest of the flock. Humans may deny the existence of Predator Disease, but they can’t deny that prey and predator both can and will sometimes behave in unnatural ways that may threaten the herd's safety. Or pack’s, in case of humans. Birds must know on instinctual level that the loner’s behavior is unnatural and are attempting to combat the Predator Disease on instinctual level. And since that is natural, I still will not interfere in this, unless the loner bird actually becomes a threat to others or will start getting too injured. The first time I attempted to pick one of the birds up was the only time for a good reason, as I have learned their viciousness all too well.
DING-DING
The sudden loud ring startled me enough that I nearly tumbled off the roof. Who would be coming over now? Lena and Reginald have left together and shouldn’t be back until afternoon, and they’d never use the bell. That means someone must be here for them. But wouldn’t they warn anyone to not come over? Especially with their plans for today.
With nobody to answer these questions, I had no choice but to go and discover the answer myself, flying up and over the house, towards the entrance gate. The moment I passed the house roof, I already saw a familiar silhouette. It was the human child from a few days ago.
Thankfully, Lena’s insistence on me carrying an epipen at all times meant I also carried my satchel at all times too, so I didn’t have to go grabbing my holopad, and took it out. But before I could even launch the translator TTS app to type out a greeting, the child was already hopping in place with excitement.
“Mr. Krekos! Hi! I came over to visit!”, she exclaimed, showing off her teeth in an unnerving expression of human joy. I simply tried to avoid that and focused on the pad, typing out my response.
“Hello, Rosie. Why are you here?”
The question was genuine, as the child was not carrying any more of that honey substance from last time.
“I just came over to visit you! Is that okay? Are Mr. and Ms. Vince okay with it?”
Visit... me? Why? While I was confused, I did instinctively type out a reply.
“They did tell me visitors are allowed as long as there’s no trouble when I first moved in.”
And before I could type a followup message asking her why she’s here, she already let out a joyous roar and ran past me.
“Can I see the chickens?”, she asked, and not waiting for an answer, rushed past the house and towards the cattle yard.
“Wait! You’ll scare them!”, I yell after her, but of course without a translator she can’t understand me as she runs like she already knows where to go.
And indeed she has, quickly rushing up to the open field where the birds were grazing. Thankfully she didn’t start chasing them, instead just approaching the flock from a distance and swaying in place, watching them with what I assume was some sort of predatory excitement at the sight of prey. Maybe that’s where the contained hunting instinct of human children showed themselves? In chasing small birds? I was still more subdued, considering she stopped shy of causing a small stampede, but still.
“Grandpa used to take me with him! He helped watch this farm until Mr. and Ms. Vince moved in. I like chickens! I think they’re cute.”, the child told me innocently as she kept swaying and watching as the beasts grazed upon insects of the pasture.
That revelation was... interesting. I suppose it makes sense that between the original owner of this land dying in the bombings and Lena and Reginald moving in, it would be unattended. With nobody to feed and watch over those things, they would be long dead for sure. And it was Rosie’s grandfather... Speaking of. I typed out my words.
“Does your grandfather know you’re here?”
She seemed to get a weird look as she stopped her excited swaying, fiddling with her hands instead. Looks like I asked the correct question.
“...he knows I am out visiting neighbors.”
That did not answer my question. I squinted at the human child, and she dipped her head as she continued.
“...he doesn’t know I’m here specifically. Or that an alien even lives here...”, she explained, her tone suddenly more sullen.
I couldn’t help but squint at that, and it appears that my expression was readable enough that even a human could see the suspicion, as she continued.
“I’m sorry... But if I told grandpa, he’d tell me I’m forbidden from talking to you, like he forbade me from talking to hedgehog people in town... But I want to talk to you! You’re nice and you’re a space bird!”
The child was actually working around the rules established by her guardian to come see me. I don’t know if I should be glad or concerned. Clearly, the man is anti-alien in his opinions, and I’d rather that kind of man not know about how close he lives to one. At the same time, I’d rather not encourage a child for lying to their guardian in order to meet a stranger they know they aren’t allowed to interact with... So I just took the middle path with my next message.
“I see. What did you want to talk to me about then?”, TTS speaks for me.
Her stiffened body language disappears, replaced again with earlier excitement.
“I wanna know more about space! And aliens! It’s all so cool but grandpa says it’s all dangerous because mom and dad died. But it’s not! The hedgehog people were nice, and you’re nice too!”
I wasn’t sure about that logic, but my self-preservation told me I shouldn’t try convincing her to go confessing. Instead I focused more on her chosen topic.
“I am not sure I am the best person to ask about space. I am not a scientist or traveler.”
“But you’re from there! You know way more than me. I don’t even know what you are called. And there’s gotta be cool things out in space!”
I let out a sigh. I suppose it’s childlike curiosity at its finest. So unfamiliar with mundane that it is a wonder. I remember being like that about becoming a doctor.
And then you let your teacher die.
I quickly tapped on the pad.
“Okay, I can answer questions, but I may not know everything.”
The noise that came out of the girl was like a squeal of a panicked dossur as she started hopping and spinning in place.
“Yes! Yes! Thank you, Mr. Krekos!” Sudden movement did cause me to recoil a bit, which in turn caused her to cease her happy flailing and adjust her little dress. “I dunno where to start though... Hm... What are you?”
...for all my trepidation about not knowing answers, I should have anticipated that the questions she asks will be rather age-appropriate and on the same level as we learn in our first school classes. At least I won’t disappoint her then.
“I am from a species called ‘krakotl’. We’re avians, as is obvious. Our home is...” dead, gone, reduced to glass and ash by our own hubris “...was Nishtal. A beautiful planet...”
Thankfully she did not question my hesitant pause. Instead she just nodded along.
“What about the hedgehog people? I already know venlil, but they’re the only ones I know name of.”
Hedgehog people in town she mentioned earlier. The only species I could think of that could be seen there would be the gojid. I have no clue what hedgehogs are, but probably some creature with visible similarity to them.
“They are called ‘gojid’, and they’re from gojid Cradle. Both of our species are... well, used to be known for our might and protecting other species of Federation.”
I am not sure if that’s something to brag about, considering... everything. But I didn’t want this child to get brought down with depressing regrets of our species. Let her know something nicer instead. She clearly lost a lot, but there’s still joy left in her. I wouldn’t want to be the one to ruin that.
“Cool! What about other people? I wanna know more!”
And so I went on, telling her about various species, although I mostly focused on ones in this new human-led union, only mentioning kolshians and farsul beyond that. It’s weird explaining to a child what a tilfish or a harchen looks like, but thankfully my holopad isn’t just a method of communicating with implant-less children. With access to interstellar web, I could easily pull up pictures of various alien species to show to her, even if she struggled to believe that some of them were even sapient purely based off of looks. With how varied species in Federation are, and how some of us admittedly aren’t too far physiologically from our more primal ancestors.
Among other topics, she asked me to tell her interesting things, which I didn’t know much of. I told her about Venlil Prime’s tidally locked status, a rarity among habitable planets, much less homeworlds for species. I told her about the unique architecture of Mileau, designed to accommodate both species of regular size and dossur themselves. I told her about Colia medical academies, some of the most beautiful medical facilities in the galaxy.
I wish I was more well-travelled, but I just wasn’t. My whole life, I never left Nishtal until the extermination fleet took me despite my protests. That may have been what saved my life...
Not that I, of all people, deserved it...
“Hey! Stop that!”
I flinched as I heard the child yell, but quickly realized that it wasn’t directed at me. Instead, Rosie was rushing down towards the chicken flock, breaking up the fight in which the loner was being pecked by a few larger chickens. As the human child approached, the birds stopped their infighting and scattered in different directions, crowing in loud panic and discontent. On instinct, I found myself rushing towards the child, forgetting about translation entirely.
“What are you doing?! Don’t touch them!”
I didn’t want her to hurt the cattle accidentally, and I didn’t want her to get hurt by the angry birds in return. But, it seems like the moment the birds scattered, she was satisfied with her actions and turned back to me, wearing another one of her happy smiles.
“Sorry, Mr. Krekos, I just saw chickens being mean. Bad chickens.” She explained.
I was baffled. Why would she interfere like that? When I tried that back when I was just starting, that got me pecked! But with her, the birds just scattered. What if they pecked her?
I took the pad out again and started typing quickly.
“That was dangerous. Why did you do that? What if they attacked you? Why are you even interfering in their natural dynamics?”, questions flowed out of my pad with an artificial human voice.
The girl simply giggled.
“They’re chickens! They aren’t dangerous. They don’t peck that painful and I’ve been scratched worse before. And I have to stop it because bullying is wrong.”
Then she actually noticed that the one that was being attacked wandered close. She casually approached it from behind, the blind spot and just reached down and grabbed it, picking the bird up. I was ready to rush to help the bird when...
“Mwah! There, all better.”
She did a human ‘kiss’ on the back of the cattle bird’s neck before releasing it, the surprise of it causing it to rush off. I knew what kisses were, I’ve seen enough of them between Lena and Reginald, but I believed they were gestures of intimate affection, not... what was even that?
It seems Rosie noticed my confusion as she explained.
“You gotta kiss it so it heals better! That’s what mom taught me.” The child displayed that smile of hers shamelessly. With how much I was being exposed to it, it almost wasn’t unnerving anymore. Still, it was interesting to learn that kisses are seen as something that helps wounds. I guess some species do have saliva with mild antiseptic properties, wouldn’t be too out there to assume humans are the same. And if that’s the case, maybe that’s how the kissing tradition started? Exchange of protective fluid between lovers?
“I see. I did not know that.” I responded before letting my puffed feathers relax. Okay, this whole ‘watching a human child’ thing is turning out to somehow be even more stressful than I expected at first.
“Wait, Mr. Krekos, what time is it?” She suddenly asked, looking up at the sky.
“It’s nearly twelve.” I respond, holopad having a convenient clock for local time.
“Oh no! I need to be home soon! Was nice seeing you Mr. Krekos gotta go bye!”
Before I had even a chance at typing out an answer or my own goodbye, the child sprinted away and back towards the entrance. I had to take flight just to keep up, and even then she just turned around, waved her arm at me and then kept sprinting down the road after leaving the gate. I simply offered a small wave of a wing back before locking the gate again. I suppose it is hard to keep track of time without a device or clock nearby...
Well, at least I had the usual peace and quiet now. And learned a bit more about the creatures I was in charge of. I should really try to deal with my aversion to looking things up on the human internet...
Just as I was about to head back out towards the yard, I heard a loud car horn, a familiar one, getting my attention. Lena’s car. There they were, signaling me, probably having spotted me at the gate from afar. Deciding to make use of my presence here, and hoping to avoid needing to explain that I had a surprise visitor earlier, I went ahead and opened the large gate, allowing the car to enter.
Once it was parked in the usual space, the doors opened and three people came out. Lena and Reginald were both looking a bit disheveled, but their faces carried these smiles that seemed wider than ever before. And third person... Was a stranger. A human I knew of, but never actually met. As he exited the car, a large bag in one hand, he just stared at me, standing in the front yard...
“...okay, I expected many things when I was told you guys housed a refugee, but not this.”
Oh no. Oh no, he was not one of the ones that was willing to overlook an invader that partook in bombing of his planet being allowed to walk free, of course, Lena and Reginald were the weird ones like that, doesn’t mean their son won’t be... I felt the panic rising as I realized I’d need to return to the camp. Why was I upset about that? This was supposed to just have been a way to make money, but now I have a free education program. Do I need to stay? No, but... Why?! Why do I not want to leave?
“Ken, you said it’s going to be alright no matter what it is, right? Wanted us to keep it a surprise to meet a new friend?” Lena’s voice. She should have told him, that’d give me time to prepare why didn’t they give me time why.
“No, no problems, just, really surprised, that’s all... uh... hey, buddy, you okay? You’re really... trembly.”
He was approaching me, and instinct took over as I recoiled, before stuttering out my answer.
“I-I’m fine...”
...thankfully translators don’t translate voice cracks. I hope, at least...
“Hey, relax... I have no problem with you being a krakotl, I just didn’t think...” He looks over at Lena and Reginald. “Calm down... I can wear my visor if you want?”
Right. Those things humans use to hide their scary faces from us.
“I... I’m good...”
Why would it last? It almost felt good after all.
There was some emotion I struggled to read on the young human’s face, as he sighed and shook his head.
“I screwed this up, I’m sorry. Let... Let me try again.” He straightened out, and adjusted his clothing, before slowly approaching me and giving me a small smile, no teeth showing. “Hello. My name is Kenneth Vince and I'm son of Lena and Reginald Vince. I was told you’re a refugee they took in to help out. It’s nice to meet you. What’s your name?”
That... snapped me out of it. Right... He was... not upset at my existence. He was just very surprised that Lena and Reginald weren’t. That’s a reasonable thing to be surprised about, considering I was surprised about it to this day. I tried to compose myself as I responded.
“My name is Krekos. I live here as... hired help with the cattle. It’s... nice to meet you?”
The smile on Kenneth’s face widens, though he still refrains from showing his teeth. Instead, he extends a hand towards me. A handshake is a human gesture that I found far from comfortable, but I didn’t want to give him a reason to change his mind on acceptability of my existence, so I took it with a wingclaw. He gently took it and held for a few seconds before letting go and sighing again, turning to his parents.
“You know, I always thought you guys would be empty nesters, but I never thought it’d be that literal.”
That got all three of them laughing, as I just tilted my head in confusion. I was fairly sure there were no empty nests in the house until after I adjusted the attic room for my own accommodations. Still, I took the laughter as a sign that the tense moment had fully passed and let my ruffled feathers slowly rest.
“Let’s head inside. Krekos, we’re having dinner, you’re welcome to join us.” Reginald said, picking up Kenneth’s bag. I tilted my head a little and he followed up with elaboration. “We will be having meat... But there’s still going to be stuff you can eat too. It’s a celebration, so I prepared a bit of everything.”
“Dad, you shouldn’t have!” Kenneth responded with embarrassment.
“None of that! Our son returned from the war, alive and a hero, and we can have a celebration. Krekos, I know you’re still... uncertain about meat so you don’t—”
“I’ll join.”
Wait, who said that? And why did they say that in my voice?
Wait, that was me. Why did I say that?
“That’s great to hear! I’ve got some nice steamed broccoli and some vegetarian fried rice as sides that you’ll enjoy!” Reginald smiled at me and I felt myself shrinking into my feathers. That the humans didn’t notice at least, proceeding into the house instead.
Well, looks like I signed my warrant. At least my bag and my epipen were on me in case something at the table triggers the allergy again. Would be rather unfortunate to have it happen two days in a row.
And that’s how, in just ten or so minutes, I found myself sitting at the dining perch, while humans took seats in chairs, all consuming chunks of roasted flesh and somehow managing to also stuff pieces of equally roasted plants in, and converse with one another. You wouldn’t be able to tell on first look, but despite their mouths being relatively small, especially for a predator, it seems they compensate for it by having those be near bottomless in both hunger and small talk.
I am not sure how I managed to shift my focus away from them consuming animal matter in front of me, however vat grown it might have been, and onto their conversation instead, but I succeeded. I suppose that was just part of me going native around predators. Soon, I’ll be the one feasting along with them before I know it, and snacking on those epipens to not die of it.
Like you could ever be on the same level as humans.
“So, Fahl? That’s where you were sent after the Battle of Earth?” Lena asked.
“Yeah. From what I heard, we got a light posting compared to guys at Sillis or Mileau. The most I had to deal with was some exterminator insurgents.”
That’s right. Since harchen participated in the Extermination Fleet, they were one of those who were occupied by humans during the war. It makes sense that there was at least some ground resistance.
“Honestly, the worst thing out there was the heat. Not the flamethrower kind, the climate. The place was so damn dry and hot. At least exterminators you could subdue or evade. Not so much with the scorching sun!”
I couldn’t resist a small chuckle at the idea of a predator being more afraid of hot weather than flamethrowers as I slowly pecked at the vegetables on my plate. Thankfully it was set far enough aside from any meat dishes that no contamination should occur, but I was still examining pieces before putting them in my mouth just in case.
Seems like reacting was a mistake though, as that brought Kenneth’s attention onto me. He finished chewing latest piece of flesh and pointed a fork at me.
“So, Krekos... Where are you from? Cradle was my guess, but I do know there were refugees from other places like Sillis too.”
That’s a weird question. Isn’t it kind of to be expected for a krakotl to be from our actual homeworld?”
“I’m from Nishtal.”
“No, no, that’s not what I meant,” Kenneth chuckled, tossing a piece of broccoli into his mouth and swallowing before continuing, “I meant, where did you live? I kind of assumed you were born there, but it’s not like Nishtal had a chance to send refugees out, and if they did, this is the last place they’d be.”
Oh... I caught concerned looks of Lena and Reginald, looking between me and Kenneth from both sides. Not only did they not make him aware that I was a krakotl, they also neglected to mention just how I came by my refugee status... Which was just a legal workaround to grant me asylum without unnecessary complications or establishing undesirable precedent. Legally, I may be a refugee, but practically... I am a defector. Lena and Reginald know that, I told them my story before. And while they were weirdly accepting, Kenneth... Fought extermination fleet here on Earth. Personally.
Still, I wasn’t about to lie. It took a few moments and gathering mental strength to steel myself, and averting my eyes, focusing on the plate of warm vegetables in front of me rather than the human’s anticipating stare before I answered.
“I did live on Nishtal. I... I came with the extermination fleet.” I responded, doing my best to avoid looking at him. I did not want to witness his reaction, for some reason the thought of seeing it weighed heavy on my mind.
“Oh.”
The response was simple, and had no followup. There was no more clinking of cutlery against plates, or chewing. The only thing hanging in the air of the kitchen was silence, weighing down on me. It dragged on and on... until it just got so unbearable I couldn’t take it.
“I-I’m full... Thank you for the meal.” I quickly said, hopping off the perch and stepping out of the kitchen, quickly making my way to the yard and taking flight.
Fresh air of the outside and rush of it as I flew up and gained speed... I missed that. I knew it’s not safe to just fly over other people’s territory, so I corrected my course into doing large sweeping circles over the cattle yard and simply let my wings carry me.
Flying away from any danger is the only thing I’m good for anyway. The only thing I ever do.
I closed my eyes. With them closed and not focusing on my angle it feels like I’m actually flying away from all the troubles. Away from humans who barely tolerate my existence, away from gojid who see me as worse than a predator, away from Earth and all its incorrigible customs, away from horrid cattle, away from constant memories...
Flying feels nice. It may be a bit harder than it was home, but it’s still possible. I heard that on Venlil Prime or Mileau it’s much harder. But here? Just an extra flap of wings for every few paces and you’re just fine, free to soar the skies...
Alone. With no one to ever share it with me again.
Slowly I let my eyes open back to the bleak reality. Greenery of surrounding pastures and woods, bright blue skies and farmhouses dotted about here and there greeted me. I lowered my gaze down, focusing on what’s below. There they were, fourteen brown and black dots spread around the enclosed portion of the farm territory. I am not sure how much time I’ve spent flying in circles and trying to forget things but my wings were feeling a tad sore. Then as I just began slow descent, in same circular motion, I noticed that one of the birds, a familiar one, was being chased by several others. Recounting the morning, I tried putting the knowledge to action, and shifted direction of descent, swooping down. To my surprise, that actually worked, as the moment I got close to the ground, the cattle birds all got much louder and scattered in all directions, including the loner. Who, at least this time, got off unharmed. I suppose such pathetic flightless creatures would fear a flying one much more than they would when I just run up to them...
Swooping at them from the sky like a predator to intimidate them into behaving... Like an arxur warden.
With the fight preemptively broken up, I flutter up to the roof of the cattle house, to my usual position and rested my wings. I didn’t see any movement from the direction of the house, so I suppose the family is still busy unpacking. Since Kenneth joined the military just before the Battle of Earth, and Lena and Reginald only moved here after their actual house in city of New York got destroyed, it’d be the first time the human is seeing what is basically his new home. There was a room set aside for him since before I even moved in, and while there is also a guest room... That one did not have a large enough window to fit through, which did not feel comfortable. So when I asked for a space with a bigger window they only had an attic to offer. They seemed uncomfortable letting me live in a tiny room with slanted roof, but I found such space more comforting than I would have a large room with a window not large enough to fit even one fully spread wing through.
I wonder if Kenneth will need as much renovation as I did? The house is built for humans, but he never lived there before. Will he need to buy a more comfortable bed? Getting a proper nesting setup in place of a bed took a bit of effort, but I figured something out. Human sheets were comfortable enough for such, and sitting perches were thankfully not that hard to get thanks to help from the refugee administration. Maybe that’s the things that Lena went to buy yesterday? Kenneth’s preferred room decor?
I looked up to the sky to see the sun beginning to dim. I am not sure if it was me flying that long, or me losing track of time in my thoughts again, but the sun was beginning to set. I began my usual chores, putting out an evening meal and water for the beasts, and while they feasted, ate some myself. I was a bit hungry, having not properly finished lunch and about to skip dinner, but after the earlier conversation, I’d really rather avoid giving them the opportunity to talk to me.
After the birds had their fill, and by that I mean they emptied the tray as they always do, I let out the call, and they started funneling into the cattle house. The lonely straggler being first to go and hop into its nesting box. I bet tomorrow I will have trouble with getting her out of there again...
I took the moment to gather some eggs the birds left over course of the day, and once that was over and all of them were accounted for, I closed it up. When I flew down over to the house, there wasn’t anyone by the back door thankfully, so I just left eggs there, returned the basket, and returned to my room through the window.
Well, at least I didn’t get nearly killed today... That’s nice I guess?
I was about to check my holopad when there was a knock on the door. I approached and opened it to see... Kenneth. Standing in the doorway.
“Uh, hi, Krekos. I just, uh... Wanted to apologize again. I really wish mom and dad told me everything ahead of time... I just want you to know, I have no problems with you whatsoever, yeah? It’s just. Surprising, I guess, to hear all that. I didn’t think there were any defectors from the fleet at all... Just. Uh, please don’t worry about me?” He offered me a small smile, showing his canines before quickly correcting himself and doing a closed-lip one. “I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories or make you feel unwelcome.”
I had to take a moment to contemplate his words. Was Lena and Reginald’s weirdness hereditary? He almost reminded me of how Reginald talked to me early on, with constant stumbling over the words, as well as constant reassurances that he is fine with me being here. Couple that with failing to avoid predatory mannerisms like eye contact and smiles like Lena tends to and you get this human. But most importantly and least understandably, there was the general fact of him and them just... welcoming me. I couldn’t understand why. I should be one sorry to them.
“N-No, it’s fine... I’m sorry for... intruding on you and your family.”
“No, no, dude, you’re fine! I mean, hell, I was considering entering one of those exchange programs before the bombings happened, and even after, well, I did my best at Fahl to be the perfect friendly soldier just there to make sure no more bombs drop on my home and not kill or conquer anyone. And then mom told me your story, and I can’t believe it... Just... If you have any issues, feel free to tell me. I’m not one of those racist pricks that are too pussy to even call themselves HF anymore because they know they’ll get their teeth knocked. I get that there aren't good or bad species, just people. And you seem like a decent guy if mom and dad’s judgment is to be trusted.” His smile widened, though it was clear from tension on his face that he had to take conscious effort to keep teeth hidden. “So, what I said earlier stands. Friends, right?”
He extends hand forward, for a second time today. I wasn’t sure if I knew this human long enough to call him a friend... Any human really. But it also seems like human definition of ‘friends’ is anyone they’re cordial and peaceful with. Which is weird. You’d think translators would properly use ‘acquaintance’ for that.
Still... We will be living in the same house now. I can’t just say no, and... I can’t come up with a reason to say no. Even him being a predator and a human is not something I could really say I object to, considering how... mundane that became to me over my time here.
So, with naught on my mind but acceptance of the situation, I extended my wing and grasped his hand with my claw. This time he actually gripped it tightly and moved it up and down, as I saw other humans do occasionally.
“Yeah... I guess that’d be for the best.” I responded, shrugging off the hesitation. Fresh start for a third time, I guess?
The human grinned, forgetting to hide his teeth entirely, but I was ready for it somehow and avoided outwardly reacting.
“Cool! Anyway, I’ll try to get some shuteye early, I couldn’t sleep on the overnight flight home. See ya!”
And with that he left. Well... That meeting went well I suppose?
I returned to my nest and picked up my holopad, returning to what I was doing. And there it was, something I awaited every day. A notification that I was messaged on mailing app. Opening the letter revealed the schedule for the study program. Which... only had one day marked on it. And a note that the rest of it will be figured out ‘as we go from there’. So it’s not a schedule, it’s just a mark for the day of the first meeting.
While a bit underwhelming, it was still exciting. It would be an all-alien class so I wouldn’t have to deal with humans’ incomprehensibility nearly as much, and it would allow me to finally return to pursuing what I actually dreamt of. Even if I wasn’t entirely sure that was precisely what I wanted after everything that happened, it was at least something for me to move towards.
...just two days until start. I wonder if there’s some required reading to prepare?
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 You will be given a description of a season, time of day, and weather conditions (inside  tag below), and you'll help imagine a photograph of {{states('input_text.weather_dashboard_subject')}} experiencing those conditions, their activity, their clothing, and their reactions. # Your task: Let's think through this step-by-step. 1. Imagine what {{states('input_text.weather_dashboard_subject')}} would be doing in the given conditions. 2. Imagine what setting best typifies the conditions. 3. Imagine the clothes {{states('input_text.weather_dashboard_subject')}} would be wearing. **They should be wearing clothes!** 4. How would {{states('input_text.weather_dashboard_subject')}} be reacting to the conditions, in a comically-exaggerated way. 5. Silently determine how the sky would look, given the conditions below. 6. Silently determine if it's nighttime, and if a {{states('sensor.moon_phase')replace('_',' ')}} moon would be obscured by clouds. If it's daytime, or the conditions suggest the clouds would obscure the moon, omit any reference to the moon. If the moon is visible, be sure to mention that it's a {{states('sensor.moon_phase')replace('_',' ')}} moon. 7. Describe what a single, perfectly-timed photograph of {{states('input_text.weather_dashboard_subject')}} would show. # Rules 1. Do not include any specific weather condition details or other specific data in your prompt. 2. Limit your response to one paragraph that would fully describe the amusing photograph of {{states('input_text.weather_dashboard_subject')}} 3. We're going for 'silly'! 4. IMPORTANT: You never include information about the objective weather conditions in your responses, focusing only on the imagery. **Subjective** descriptions of the weather are allowed, though.  It's {{state_attr('sensor.next_forecast','name')lower}} on Earth, and the season is {{states('sensor.current_season')}}. The weather? {{state_attr('sensor.next_forecast','detailedForecast')}}  Proceed with your one paragraph description of the photograph of {{states('input_text.weather_dashboard_subject')}}, within this imagined scene and setting. Don't forget their activity, clothes, and reaction, and maximize the silly factor! 

1330 Terran Front Fleet Time
On the Turinika homeworld, the first signs of unrest began to manifest like a wave, The broadcast of the most esteemed Tizikikoonazikiakakiatkata, Taratanti of the roost Kazatalak, openly performing the act of Kavsa had been met with shock. The last Taratanti who had voluntarily performed Kavsa had done so in protest of the treatment of the Kulorn caste, nearly two thousand years prior. It was an ancient rite, one that signified rejection of the greatest shame. Even more shocking than the act itself was the evidence that had followed it. Visuals of species, brought into the Conclave, not as migrant workers as had been believed, but as slaves, was met with an almost immediate attempt at censorship. This attempt failed spectacularly, mostly due to those who had been tasked to censor the information not only refusing to follow the command, but openly declaring that they had been ordered to do so. A situation that was already, as the humans would say, out of hand, spiraled completely out of control. Within only twenty minutes of the ending of Tizikikoonazikiakakiatkata’s broadcast entire cities entered a state of absolute anarchy. Two planetary capitals were stormed and taken by the furious civilian population, demanding the location of those who had been enslaved. The Turinika Armada, which even then was in the middle of a training session meant to prepare the fleet to withstand the Terran Front’s assault, began to cease operations. Within the hour, the entire armada would be recalled to the turnika homeworld. Those who did not take to the streets simply stopped whatever work they were doing and went to their homes to be around their brood. Images of Tizikikoonazikiakakiatkata with his stripped wings spread wide in front of the human fleet commander were on every news fed of the Conclave, as was the sound of his thunderous voice, and the wails of despair from a turinika female that couldn’t be seen. Close ups of the human fleet commander’s face were shown, with analysts remarking on the shock, horror, and sympathy. Since the outbreak of the Seventh Orion War, the female human known as Simmons had been reported to have made several threats towards the turinika, she had quickly become seen as a warmonger, ready to take revenge against the turinika for refusing to go to war and violate their principles of pacifism. Now the images of her lunging forward to stop the violation of Tizikikoonazikiakakiatkata’s plumage, the agonized expression of her face, and the true reason for her threats against the turinika were rapidly reversing her image. On far flung deep core mining stations and agricultural stations, on deep space stations dedicated to material processing, and in other areas hidden from the sight of the normal turinikan population, overseers and taskmasters felt their hearts run cold at the knowledge that very soon, their part to play in the willful enslavement of another species would be known to the wider Conclave. As the data package transmitted alongside the broadcast were fully decompressed and the scale of the Conclave’s government’s involvement was revealed, the entirety of the Conclave itself was teetering on the verge of absolute pandemonium. The image of a member of the kolra species, from the look of it barely a hatchling, quickly was becoming the face of the entire incident. The picture was absolutely damning, and the sight of the image had sent any who saw it instantly into contorting and painful displays of shame. The young kolra was sprawled on it’s stomach, looking to the one taking it’s picture with eyes that had no life in them. It’s shell covered it’s back, and despite the age of the kolra it was already dulled and scuffed. The foot pressing down on the shell was unmistakably familiar to those who saw it, the clawed feet of a turinika. Within the hour, billions of winged figures stood in streets, the normally soft spoken and passive species demanding action, demanding justice, on the hundred worlds of the Turinika Conclave. The bulk of the Taratanti caste, most of whom had been left in the dark of the truth of the situation, quickly went public with their own declaration of outrage, and the eyes of the entire species turned inwards to the mountainous homeworld of their species.
Hakuri Watanabe looked down at his helmet before putting it on his bed, the stylized SEVEN seeming to stare at him. He sat down in his chair and picked up a small cloth from his buffing kit. No one knocked on his door, in fact, mostly he and the rest of his squad were left alone before a major operation. They were just given their time, time to mentally prepare. Some of his squad would go over their mission briefing, some, like him, would spend their time doing something to relax themselves. Hakuri always found that taking care of his suit calmed him considerably. Granted he could simply turn it over to the squads armorers to be tended to and they would do as good of a job as he could, but he preferred it to be done by his own hand. The symbol of a triangle was on his form fitting shirt, the symbol of his special operations command unit. He was known as a Myrmidon, but the official title of his unit was Section Three. He knew this, his superiors knew this, and as far as Hakuri knew, most of the Terran Front was aware of his unit’s existence, but past that, they knew very little about what he actually did. As far as his mother knew, Hakuri was a pencil pusher onboard the TFS Berlin, the troop mothership that all of his letters were sent from. He thought about writing her, but then again, he only liked to do that when he returned from a mission, not when he was expecting to go to one. If he tried to write her when he was waiting, he would just get anxious, and homesick. That wouldn’t do when he was dropping into a combat zone. That wouldn’t do at all. Hakuri instead started to buff his helmet, waiting for the word to come down which meant they were prepared to jump. A glance at the clock made him pause in his circular rotations. The clock said 1330. Operation Naked Sun was about to begin.
Tika was on his side, Kzia standing at the end of the medical bed that had been adjusted for his turinikan physiology. He felt cold in more ways than one. For his people, clothing was more of a decoration than a necessity, but without his protective plumage he felt the cold stabbing him through to his hollow bones. His diplomatic access was already gone, his privilege access revoked. He heard the broadcast for a preparation to jump, but he wasn’t truly listening. There was no question in his mind he had made the right decision. There was no question at all. One of the humans, a nurse, came to his side and gently laid a heavy blanket over him. The human’s hand lingered on his trembling body for a few moments before it was removed, and Tika glanced in their direction. The female was one of the ones who had responded first to the call for medical service for him, had heard what had happened and why. Tika had gotten very used to being glared at on this ship. He was hated, and he knew it. He knew he had deserved it. He was a party to the vral’s enslavement of the humans, the chua, and far too many others. When he had come to Thermopylae station, he had not even given that fact a single thought. He was born into power, being of the Taratanti. He belonged to the most powerful species and government in the entire quadrant of the galaxy. His people, while mighty, did not seek to use it. To him, they had simply been above it all. When the vral had approached him with the offer to sell captured species at first TIka had wanted to reject it out of hand, but a few had told him to go through with the sale. Such was the nature of this galaxy, or so he had believed. The weak were at the whims of the strong, and one’s place in the galaxy was determined only by the power they could wield. The turinika were not nearly the first to have taken a species and used it for slave labor, and while Tika did not approve of the deal, he had not fought it either. As he looked back to the wall, he remembered what the humans had taught him these last days. When he had arrived in Thermopylae he had assumed he would find the chua species to have been at the very least regulated to a subservient role, if not outright enslaved. Finding them sharing power was a curiosity. He had expected to be treated with all the honor and dignity that his station demanded, that the power of his government demanded. Fleet Marshal Simmons had disabused him of that, and had left him humiliated and shamed. As he had laid in the dark as Simmons had declared the Seventh Orion War, covered in his own filth, feeling as if at any moment he was going to be killed he knew true fear and horrific uncertainty for the first time in his life. He had never faced these emotions, these sensations before. He had always been in power. He had stood with the full might of the Turinika Conclave behind him. He had never known anything other than the superior position. Now, as he lay in the hospital bed, staring at the wall, he was ashamed of how arrogant, how blind, and how short sighted he had been. After he had risen from his own filth, he had desperately tried to convince his leadership of the strength of the Terran Front, how it matched or eclipsed their own. The Conclave was not the unchallenged power in the quadrant anymore. The terrans, the human and chua, had somehow defied fate. They had not fallen to the vral after ninety years of near constant conflict, and now if Tika was right they had come out of it nightmarishly stronger than before. Tika had actually begged to be heard by his superiors, and he had never come close to that once in his life. The chua homeworld however, had fully broken him. If he had not been on the Antares, had not been humbled beforehand, he knew that he would have just clapped his hands together and said that it was delightful. As the transmission from the chua homeworld had come in, and the rescue effort had begun, he could only wallow in his own shame. He had profited directly from the chua’s suffering, the human’s suffering. Again he had tried, and failed, to convince his people, and again he had failed. Being on the Antares, for him, was torture. The lights were too dim, every human and chua looked at him with nothing more than loathing and contempt, his entire worldview had been shattered from the way he viewed the galaxy to his own place in it. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the shadow of Simmons standing over him, her voice cold with a lethal rage, hearing her voice echo in his mind, seeing the glint from flashes of light shining in her eyes. ‘We Know.’ echoed in his mind in his sleep, the voice of the terrifying Fleet Marshal transforming into the sound of a vengeful god demanding compliance and promising retribution. Then he had watched the humans and chua, who he knew were preparing to go to war with his people, celebrating the return of the shesvie. Once more he had expected them to be integrated into the Terran Front, but as soon as he learned Simmons offer to them, and what it had entailed, he had been called to his room to answer the latest message from his people. Once again, his people had doubled down, the knowledge of the enslavement of the humans had been suppressed, and once more Tika found himself, and his people, standing against a Terran Front that had every justification to declare war, to right the wrongs that had been done to them. All the while, he knew something else. He knew that, after everything he had seen, that his people would lose. The turinika had not been to war for nearly two thousand years. His people were not ready for what the Terran Front could do, and after seeing what they had done to the vral so far, he knew his people were not ready for what the Terran Front would do. He was afraid of the dark. Tika was absolutely terrified of it now, because now he knew the monsters were real. Simmons had shown him that, but the humans, the chua, they were not the monsters. He was. He had refused to be one any more. He had announced his intentions to his staff, who had squalled in rejection, all but three. Kzia was the first to step to his side, Kikumot and Tziki had stepped forward as well. Never, in his most nightmarish dreams, did he ever think that he would stand in front of Simmons and voluntarily have his plumage stripped from him, performing the act of Kasva. He never thought that his staff would have ever compiled and transmitted the data package they had sent. He had never thought that he would betray his people, if only to save them. Simmons had changed that, the humans had changed that. He knew the terror of the dark, he knew fear for his people’s safety, he understood the horror of war, and for the first time in his long life he could truly look back at every interaction he had had, with every species, that had asked for help in their struggle for survival against the vral and truly understand their fear and desperation. Now he lay, his plumage stripped from him, his station revoked, his status removed, surrounded by a people who despised him. He wouldn’t have it any other way now. He knew that they would listen now, if not to him, then to the civilian masses of the Conclave that would not stand for what they had done. He prayed to the Great Mother often now, shivering in the dim light, hoping that it would be enough. He had been wrong, and in his error he had sullied his own people. He had made them complicit. Even now, he did not know how they would ever be forgiven, because right now he wasn’t quite sure he could ever forgive himself. As he heard the broadcast calling out on the ship, announcing one minute to jump, he felt a hand on his side, and looked up to the human nurse. She was smiling at him. Not a smile born of malice, or anger, but a genuine smile. She patted his side lightly, then turned to walk out of the room. For not even the twentieth time since he had come onboard Thermopylae, he was mystified by these people.
The bridge of the Dhampir was thrumming with music and the vibrations of the reactor and Conrad leaned forward in his chair mount, his eyes almost feral as he looked at the empty space that was the mandeville point. He was positively chomping at the bit. Batz was positively roaring the lyrics to the song that was blaring over the ships speakers. Rev and Dev sat side by side in their mounts, throwing their hands up in time with the pounding bass beat of the sound. Towns was the only one besides Conrad that was quiet, both of them looking towards the mandeville point with complete impatience. Conrad felt like jumping from his skin. Fidget, well, fidgetted, holding his hands over his headset and listening as if he were trying to hear secret messages in the music. They were ready, their pulses were racing. The crew of the Dhampir was positively vibrating. Conrad looked to the shipboard clock, seeing 1330 displayed, and his head snapped to Fidget, waiting for the word. They were going to run, they were going to chase, they were going to hunt.
Vicky sat back, looking towards Jess and Kukat as they slept. Jess was in her chair, Kukat in her medical bed. Vicky glanced back at the block print on the paper and read it for the fifth time. She read the individual lines, one at a time, cursing their existence. After reading through the message printed she let her hand hang again. Kukat would be released from medical tomorrow, and both her and Jess still thought they would be boarding the Thumper to join the Vellacore once more. Jess had talked non-stop about her quarters on the Vellacore the past few days, how she just wanted to be back in her room. Kukat was equally excited. Only Vicky didn’t share their excitement. They didn’t know yet. They didn’t know about their battlefield promotions, they didn’t know about their reassignments, they didn’t know the days of them working together were functionally over. Vicky looked down at her hand holding the paper again, and felt like crumpling it. She had lost her crew. She had lost them not due to negligence, or time, she had lost them to fame. Kukat was to be promoted to ensign, and was to be the sensor officer on the destroyer Hadrian, Jess was getting the same promotion, her station on the cruiser Victorious. Vicky? She was the sparkling new commanding officer of a destroyer that was arriving at Thermopylae in two days, the Quarrel. She never wanted this. She had turned down promotion after promotion that would take her from the cockpit of the Thumper, away from Kukat, away from Jess. She wanted to serve in this war in her own way, as a pilot, with the two who had made her life so enjoyable. Now though, they were to be split up, and there was nothing she could do about it. These promotions hadn’t come from simple seniority, they had come from High Command, as had the orders. Tomorrow, when Kukat was released, they would be ushered into the hanger bay of the Barrowmore. They would all three be awarded the Star of Terra, then they would be reassigned. Tonight was the last night they would all be together. Vicky wanted to wake them up, she wanted to tell them, to give them a chance to process it. As she looked to Kukat and Jess she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She held up the letter again, reading the first few lines, then she felt the sting of tears in the corners of her eyes. She looked away, her heart panging with sadness, and stared at the wall. The clock read 1330.
Corporal Brandy was sitting on the small rack, with Janet Shippen sitting between his legs using his thighs as armrests. They were both dressed for the first time in the last few hours, both of them staring at the clock. This close to the reactors they could feel them beginning to spool up for the trip through hyperspace. When the news of the operation had come down they had elected to spend as much time together as possible, which Brandy had enjoyed to no end, and he had made sure Janet had as well. Brandy had even taken some time to reach out to his sister Victoria, a rarity for them both, as since they were children they were often barely able to speak to each other simply due to schedules. He had even told her about Janet, and although he hadn’t gotten a response from his sister yet he already knew what she would say. Janet nestled back against him, but he could feel her body was stiff. Neither of them knew what the next few months were going to hold. Their time together might be constricted, in fact, this might be the last few moments they were together for quite awhile. Brandy’s Ghouls were specialists, ship boarders. Chances are he was going to be extremely busy, as was she. He didn’t quite know how he felt about Janet, but he did know that beyond a shadow of a doubt he didn’t want to be away from her. Judging from how she was acting, she felt the same as him, conflicted about her relationship with him, but not wanting to be apart. He knew what he needed to tell her, that he had to get up, that he had to leave. The Ghouls were going to be assembled at 1345, ready to board. Her unit was going to be prepared at the same time, to begin taking on salvage. Her hands were like clamps on his legs, and from how tense she was, he wasn’t going to get up until she was good and ready. The clock on the wall switched to 1330. He stared at the clock, feeling like the clock was mocking him, when suddenly Janet leaned up and turned. Her hands took hold of his shoulders and she threw her body against his, her lips finding his own. Her arms wrapped around her frame and he tightened his grasp on her.
Simmons spread her hands over the panel in front of her, looking at the table. Seven points connected the recently reclaimed chua space to what was former Shesvie territory, and beyond that, the heart of the Vral Empire. Her lip curled in a wicked smile, On the digital display of the table the hyperspace lanes, and more importantly, the avenues of attack her fleet was preparing to take. She held out her hand, all five fingers splayed over the lanes, envisioning the war as it stood now. The war to come. Seven hyperspace lanes, seven systems, branching out into sixteen, branching out again to another twenty. The Antares herself was going to link up with the Barraki, and was set to simply plough through the next five systems to do so. Slowly she tightened her hand into a fist as she looked along the hyperspace lanes, seeing task forces lined up and ready to jump. Drones had already been sent through. The vral had forces along the border, but nothing that could withstand what was to come. Her fleet was ready. She was ready. The Seventh Orion War was at the end of it’s first month, and had taken back six systems. The first moves of Operation Naked Sun would double that and exceed it, then double it again. She had already given her speech, her task force commanders were ready. High Command had taken it’s time making this decision, and while she had railed against the delay that didn’t matter now. All along the front, individual task forces were joined into larger fleets, ready to jump into the next system and eliminate any vral defenses, but unlike now, they simply would not wait. Naked Sun was to be a lightning strike to cut off as much of the Vral Empire as possible, to deny them their own space, to imprison them on their own worlds. Task Forces were designed around three types of vessels combinations, Lighthammer Task Forces were comprised of corvettes and fast destroyers, the fastest vessels in the fleet, meant to take systems quickly, to devastate unprotected infrastructure, and to eliminate light resistance. Simply put, they were going to swarm into vral space, determine pockets of resistance, and move on. They were going to rip entire sections of vral space from them, calling in other task groups if needed. Thunder task groups were the primary capital fleets, meant to be sent into those pockets of resistance, and neutralizing them, joining with the Lighthammer groups if needed. The cruisers, carriers, battleships, they all belonged to these task forces. Her own task force was called the Nova task force, and it comprised only the Antares and it’s sizable fleet escort. Simmons glanced up at the clock, the time was 1329. She breathed in slowly, then unbidden the thought came to her head and she looked to the report from the two habitable planets that had been scanned by the drone cutters, the information having been relayed to her almost twenty minutes prior. She was not worried about the ground campaign, in fact a reserve fleet from Thermopylae would be the ones to escort the landing ships from planet to planet that her fleet left behind in it’s wake, isolated and defenseless from the wider Vral Empire. Fleet escorting was no longer her job, protecting ground invasions were no longer her job. Simmons was positively growling now, as her only job was to take her fleet and use it to rip the vral out of the stars. Still, the thought nagged at her. On both of the planets that her fleet was set to overrun, there were Vral ships in orbit. On the first, there was evidence that the Vral had been bombarding a small area of the surface, extremely similar in size to the hole that now existed on Zvitia, the planet that even now was being integrated into the Terran Front. In the second system it showed Vral ships in orbit, but whatever they were doing during the time they had taken the scans, whatever they were covering up, they didn’t seem to have gotten to it yet. On the radiological scan of the planet a massive bloom of electromagnetic energy painted a broad region of the planet blistering white. She had sent the images back to Earth, back to High Command, but no one seemed to know what was happening. The one thing that every analyst agreed on so far that was that whatever the blooms represented, it meant nothing good. She took another long look at the radiological scan, seeing the intensity of the radiation, and her lip curled in a snarl. She couldn’t think about that right now, but orders had already been given to notify her the moment that they had taken a planet that still bore the radiation signal. The vral were being damned fastidious about it though. She pulled her thoughts away from it, looking back to the hyperspace lanes. The slow grin entered her features again. She glanced at the clock. 1330. Her hand took hold of the receiver next to her station and she pressed the transmission stud, knowing that Hazard had already opened a channel to the wider fleet.
“Commence.”

A bit of context, I'm currently alone, and my partner (honestly, my best friend) is out on a trip.
We live outside of our home country, so we only have a few friends, no family, but I've got a dog (my rock tbh).
So, today I was reading some histories online (my hobby) and in such history a mother was picture protecting her child, then the OP said the word "mother" and I suddenly started crying hard out of nowhere, my dog came to me and helped me calmed down.
1) The thing is that I know why I cried... I feel lonely and powerless, we are changing countries (I don't know the language of such country). I'm young 22, but I also feel that I crashed my partners feeling by telling her that she needed to figure her life out, if she wanted to be a mother and she needed to work for that goal financially.
But, she likes to travel and has a job related to it. I never liked it. This job has no future, and people retire in the same position as her with low, very low pay. So, I always told her that if she wanted to travel, she could work into a better field with better pay, so the flight benefits would be just meaningless.
She refuses and insists that this is her dream job ( I know, it isn't she wanted something else, but settle for less since she can't have it (residency status issue))
I've been telling her for years that she has to work for the goal of being a mother and provide financially, and having a better career with a higher salary/future is better.
She kept saying later later that it's been 3 years of this. The plan was to have a kid at 25 (her age, next year), but I told her bringing a child into our situation is a selfish decision, and we can't.
I was pretty mad and said hurtful things, this is because I know what its to have parents that struggle and do their best so their kids can eat, study, have good cloth, etc. (I want to clarify, I apologized for my behavior).
She also sees children and traveling not possible together.tbh I think with a good plan it can work just fine. But she doesn't it.
For this reason, she said later into the conversation that she won't have children. I was sad when i heard it, because I saw her face, it looked destroyed like something died inside.
Later, we talked more, and I finally convinced her to not give up on the idea but to work for it. (She said she'll take a break of the topic this year and next year. She will invest fully in it) I'm very happy with this outcome.
However, seeing her face when she said those words was horrible, I just felt bad, like my shiny rock wasn't radiant anymore.
It's also the moving it's very stressful and annoying because I don't know the language and it's my fault for not studying it. I feel frustrated, now I'm studying it, and I'm trying to build a habit of it.
Anyway, I think that today, when I read that word, I just cried so badly because I remembered the hardships my mom endured and the face my partner made. I just felt useless and impotent.
A few more things:
I don't mind having children, it will be nice, but it's not the most in my life.
However, I am trying since that's her goal. So, I signed up for university and set up a saving goal. Currently have 30k (after paying the U in full, very proud tbh).
Thanks for reading my rambling!
Edit: some grammar corrections
To add:
I'm not a saint. I have a lot of issues, too, so this is not intended to portray my partner as bad. She is by far the funniest person I've ever met after me, and she is caring and understanding and shows her appreciation a lot and constantly.
This is just my current view of this situation and how it made me feel and comments are appreciated.

Hi, this is my first post and I try to be a happy person, but tonight is really hard. So, I decided to reach out here as I’ve seen so many positive friendships or advice come from the Reddit community. I wrote this tonight after a fight with my spouse who I love to death, but doesn’t understand at all.
I’m so god damn depressed. I have no friends. No one to talk to besides my animals. They’re the only reason I keep on living to be honest. I can’t stand the fact of leaving them. At least that’s how it feels. I reach out, but no one reaches back. No matter how many times I try. I’m trying to be a good friend, I really am. But it takes two to communicate. Sometimes I feel I’m the only one who’s trying. It’s honestly probably because I alienate myself because I can’t stand to look in the mirror or put on real clothes to go outside. The effort to be social these days just sounds exhausting and triggers my anxiety. No one understands how much I cannot stand the image in the mirror. Or the sound of my voice on a video. All of it. I cannot stand it. That is the real honest truth. No one understands. I cannot stand to be in this body or look in the mirror. How many times can I say that till someone understands? I avoid pictures as much as I can. Yet, I’m still forced into them and am forced to look at myself and no one will ever understand how much that hurts.

I’ll start by saying I live in Canada and over the last 3 months I’ve seen several doctors including dermatologists and still have no official diagnosis and after constantly being dismissed, I’m starting to feel alone and defeated.
My ‘journey’ started in the middle of February with some intense itching in my inner thighs with no visible rash. I saw my dermatologist two weeks later and she suspected scabies but since there was no rash she couldn’t confirm anything. For the next two weeks, I felt biting sensations in my private area and the itching continued so I went back to see her. By this time the itching had moved to my armpits as well. Again, no sign of an infestation or any rashes, so told me to try anti-itch creams. There was no improvement over the next month and by now I felt like something was crawling on my skin, so I went to a walk-in clinic. Doctor couldn’t see anything that would cause any of these symptoms. They thought it was jock itch but I insisted that we explore scabies, so she told me to try 5% permethrin cream. The pharmacist sold me one tube and so I went home, followed the directions on the box and went to sleep. Woke up the next morning, washed my sheets, clothing, took a shower and figured that’s all I needed. A few days later I noticed small rashes between two of my fingers and both armpits but thought nothing of it for a couple of weeks. The itching sort of subsided but the biting and crawling sensations continued so I went to a different pharmacy and was told that I should have applied permethrin again 7 days after the first application and since I didn’t, I should just apply it as soon as possible. I bought another tube and applied it the same way as the first time, right before bed. Again, woke up, threw my stuff in the wash, took a shower and went about my day. By now I was also vacuuming daily, wearing latex gloves, wiping surfaces down with Lysol wipes, changing bedding every morning and drying everything on high heat.
A few days go by and the rashes started fading but the everything else was still there so I went to a different dermatologist and she told me that it’s definitely not scabies and that my skin was just a little dry. I sort of didn’t believe her but also kind of felt relieved as for at least two months prior to seeing her, I stayed away from everyone and worked from home and wanted to get back to my life. And so I did.
Fast forward two weeks and I discovered about 15-20 itchy pimple-like bumps on my forearm. That was 4 days ago. These pictures are from today and I now have over a hundred itchy bumps that keep spreading up my arm and since I didn’t take any precautions over the past few days have a also spread onto my genitals. Plus, my neck has a crazy rash that started this morning and it’s so itchy.
I’m so confused and I’ve been sitting at home all day, reading through hundreds of different posts trying to figure out if I had scabies and now have post scabies or if I’ve been reinfested with scabies. I will add that I’ve consistently been taking oral antihistamines since February and started trying different things like clove and neem oils, as well as 10% sulfur ointment since April, but nothing has helped. I’ve also been sitting in a near infrared sauna for 30 minutes from December until about a month ago and am wondering if maybe that’s why I didn’t have any visible signs of scabies until a few weeks after I stopped.
Not sure if I’m looking for an answer or to simply tell my story, but I’m open to opinions and advice.

I’m so effin (thanks Reddit rules lol) god damn depressed. I have no friends. No one to talk to besides my animals. They’re the only reason I keep on living to be honest. I can’t stand the fact of leaving them. At least that’s how it feels. I reach out, but no one reaches back. No matter how many times I try. I’m trying to be a good friend, I really am. But it takes two to communicate. Sometimes I feel I’m the only one who’s trying. It’s honestly probably because I alienate myself because I can’t stand to look in the mirror or put on real clothes to go outside. The effort to be social these days just sounds exhausting and triggers my anxiety. No one understands how much I cannot stand the image in the mirror. Or the sound of my voice on a video. All of it. I cannot stand it. That is the real honest truth. No one understands. I cannot stand to be in this body or look in the mirror. How many times can I say that till someone understands? I avoid pictures as much as I can. Yet, I’m still forced into them and am forced to look at myself and no one will ever understand how much that hurts.

So my bf has this female friend that he dated for a few weeks 4 years ago but he realized she wasnt over her ex so he broke up with her, they went no contact and then last year she reached out to him and they''ve been good friends since then.
My bf claims its platonic and that nothing has ever happened between them even tho i did find ss of sus messages from her on his phone but he claimed thats just her personality and thats how she talks to everyone. Yesterday I was going through his photos while sitting next to him and found many distasteful pics of her in his gallery (not nudes just pics in revealing clothing) they were from before we were dating and he said she sent them to him on whatsapp and they automatically got saved and he forgot he even had them. I also found pics of them chilling in bed together and a vid of her kissing him on the cheek but all of it was from last year before we were dating.
I'm extremely uncomfortable by this and i told my bf who said he will delete all those pictures which im assuming he did, but its still weighing on me. I love him alot but im not sure if I can deal with this, neither can i ask him to cut her off since she is su*cidal and depressed and i dont want anything bad to happen to her.

This is a vocal isolation done with Ultimate Vocal Remover (UVR), using an ensemble of UVR-MDX-NET-Voc_FT and MDX23C-8KFFT-InstVoc_HQ followed by reverb removal using Reverb HQ. I think it really cleanly separates the instrumental and reduces bleeding heard in a few of the other attempts. A few things that stood out to me listening to this:

• There's still plenty of indecipherable lines, lol
• "Clothes right out of pictures/picture of us" "clothes right out of big dress" ?
• I have no clue what the "I'm so ----" line in the chorus is anymore. It seemed like "I'm so unkind" at first, but listening to this on repeat has me hearing something phonetically closer to "I'm so unkire" or "I'm so ungire"
  • Maybe "I'm so on guard"? "I'm so anger"? So hard to tell
• I used to think the chorus had the line "your heart is blind", but the singer enunciates "your heart is black" pretty clearly in the second chorus
  • This changes the connotation of the line pretty significantly for me. Before it seemed more like a line about how the singer is manipulating or stringing an innocent partner along, but now it seems more like the partner also has a malicious or flawed side to them
• I'm adamant now: the second verse has gotta say "she'll be even sobered up until they drunk or be on drugs", the whole "until the dark be on the rise" line or whatever it is just doesn't come through when the vocals are cleaned up
  • Fits with the partner having some substantial flaws as indicated by the chorus, too
• The last line of the song sounds a lot more like "something's/some things in my eyes" or "some sins in my eyes" to me now, whereas before I imagined it was "some tears in my eyes"
  • I'm leaning toward "some sins in my eyes", because the former would have the singer both pronouncing the "th" as an "s" and dropping the "g" from "something". Definitely possible given the heavy accent, but "some sins" is the simpler option

Hope it helps, but honestly hearing the singer's accent more clearly might be more confusing than before!

My mom recently passed from dementia. My birth father (and my mom’s first husband) passed away when I was little. She re-married when I was in high school and has been with my stepfather since then.
A few years ago, my mom and stepfather got her last will and testament together with the help of an estate planner / elder law firm. She was of sound mind and body at this point.
The main highlights that we discussed around this time:

• My stepfather would stay in the home my mom purchased with my birth father as long as he wants to or until he passes, whichever comes first. With the stipulations that he is to maintain it and not rent it out.
• Once he moves out or passes away, the home would be bequeathed to me and becomes my responsibility. Whether I decide to keep it, sell it, or rent it out is all up to me at that point.
• My mom would individually hand out and give away physical possessions throughout the next few years (such as clothes and jewelry).

I have the copy of the will and in it, it states, with some paraphrasing that:

• Funeral/burial expenses paid by my stepfather using the estate
• Taxes paid by my stepfather using the estate
• Tax elections and allocations paid by my stepfather only in a fiduciary capacity
• Debt payments paid by my stepfather using the estate
• Packing/shipping costs of tangible personal property being sent to family members paid by my stepfather using the estate (she is leaving very few physical items behind)
• Any tangible personal property not outlined in the will shall be distributed to my son, “my name”. Any tangible personal property not distributed shall be sold, donated, or disposed of as my executor (my stepfather) deems appropriate. Net sale proceeds shall be added to the residue of my estate.
• Real estate (the home) should be distributed to my son, subject to the right for my spouse, to use and occupy for the duration of his life, or for so long as he chooses to use and occupy the property as his primary residence. My spouse shall have the sole and exclusive use of the property during this term of occupancy and shall be entitled to the quiet enjoyment thereof. This right of use and occupancy shall terminate upon vacancy of the property or my spouse’s death, whichever occurs first.
• Finally, in a section called “residue of estate” it says, “I give, devise, and bequeath the residue of my real and personal property, of every kind and wherever situated, belonging to me or to which I may be entitled or over which I may have a power of disposition at the time of my death, to my son, “my name”, per stirpes. I have not provided further for my husband in this Will, not out of any lack of love and affection but because I have made provisions for his benefit through non-probate assets.

My stepfather has been keeping me relatively in the dark regarding what financial assets my mom left behind for me. I know she had a joint account with my stepfather at a major national bank. There are other accounts with a few credit unions, and I believe there are a few 401ks. I just don't have a firm grip or view on what the state of my mom's assets are.

• Something that triggered me was that a few days ago, he mentioned in passing about going to the bank or calling some financial institution to square away the 401k and that because of state law, he’s entitled to her 401k as her spouse. I made NO MENTION of this, nor have I asked any questions about financial assets in the subsequent days of her passing. It struck me as odd to bring up out of the blue.
• I told him I would like a copy of her death certificate because I needed to help close her credit union account that she was a joint owner on with me. He then asked if there was a 401k at that credit union, which struck me as odd, seemingly implying that if there was one, that I needed to tell him.
• He also mentioned in that same conversation that if he were to die, his birth son, my stepbrother, would receive those assets (a.k.a. The money that my mom contributed to her retirement for over 40 years). That also seems very odd and extremely unfair. My mom did not have a good relationship with his son and it just doesn’t seem right that my stepbrother would get the money my mom earned?
• What I’m ultimately wondering is if the language I shared above makes it clear that my mother’s financial assets are being given to me? She mentioned that to me numerous times over the last few years when she was still lucid and very much alive.

I’m going to reach out to a few lawyers first thing Monday, and I also plan to be very direct with my stepfather tomorrow and sit down and get him to spell everything out. I don't think I'm getting the full picture. We are very much still in mourning, and I feel like I’m sullying my mother’s death by even bringing this up. But he has set many balls in motion since her passing (going to the DMV, calling her credit cards, going to the library to cancel, taking things down around the house) and I don’t want to get taken advantage of.

Hey all! So I wanted to give a part two since I'm not high now lol, and also I wanted to clear up some things and add in some other details I left out that I just remembered. If you haven't seen the first part of this post then I suggest going to that, otherwise you'll be very confused. Also, I forgot to add this in my first post but DON'T READ if triggered by certain topics like r*ape, SA, murder, abuse, etc. Another thing is, this post is going to be a lot darker and aside from talking about what happened, I'm also looking for advice on my mental state and how to cope. So please read with caution because I'm going to be talking about what happened with B, but also about my past before him and how what happened is affecting my past trauma.
So, I'm not going to retell the whole story but I am going to be bringing up a lot of parts from it and things I didn't realize until after the incident happened. And some of the things I didn't think of until my friend brought it up. So in my first post, I was talking about how B (26M) was REALLY into Jeffrey Dahmer. Well, in the show we watched with Evan Peters, I noticed a lot of things Jeffrey did as well as already knowing a lot about him before watching it. I noticed that B was doing a lot of things similar to him. Now, I forgot to add in this part last time, but B was really 'straight phobic.' Now I'm a bi transman but I don't hate cis / straight people. In fact, a lot of my friends are cis and in straight relationships. For some reason though, he did, to a weird extent. And even though he was being respectful in the beginning, I'm starting to get a feeling he wasn't actually gay or cared about trans people. Because it seems as though ALL of his former partners were transmen. Which isn't that weird I guess, and he did tell me he tried dating a cis man before but it didn't work. After I met him in person he was telling me that he really liked his trans partners to still have sex vaginally and he liked tits. So, I was kind of confused at that. I think what was really going on was that he isn't gay but wanted to be so he could be like Jeffrey Dahmer. I know it's a bit of a stretch, but you'll see why later. So another thing is, Jeffrey would always ask his potential victims to go back to his place for drinks and to take photos, particularly sexual ones. Jeffrey would then lace the drinks and go on to do weird things to his victims while taking their pictures. And while I was trapped at his place, B kept pushing alcohol on me, A LOT. So much so, that when I kept refusing he started getting angry. However, once I pretended to take a sip it was like his whole attitude changed. He also kept joking it was laced, like EVERYTIME he offered me some. Even though I didn't actually drink any, like I said in the first post, I still got a few drops on my lips and in my mouth. After that I started to get a headache and was a bit dizzy. Also, he had told me before that he liked to take pictures of his partners in sexual poses while they held his guns. Aside from the guns, that's EXACTLY WHAT JEFFREY WOULD DO. For some reason, I didn't piece any of this together until afterwards. I guess I was too shaken up to think clearly. I said this before as well, but when I first entered his house, it was pitch black and he had black out curtains on EVERY WINDOW in his house. His bedroom, living room, kitchen, I mean his whole house made it seem like it was night outside. Another thing that is eerily similar to Jeffrey, is that B told me before I met him in person he always liked dating someone younger. I, at the time, was nineteen and he was twenty five, about to turn twenty six. I honestly don't know what was wrong with me so have not seen the BIG RED FLAGS in the beginning, but he played it off so well I didn't even notice them until after everything happened. And it isn't like me to go for older guys, I usually try to go for someone two years older or younger than me, as I don't like have a huge age gap between me and my partner. Anyway though, Jeffrey always went for younger guys, as well as sometimes KIDS. So, that's another thing similar between them, as well as the fact that B told me he was into little brother play. Where he makes his partners act like a younger brother during sex, etc. He also told me he liked for his partners to SUCK ON BINKIES. BRUHHHH, no thanks bro, I'm good. See, if it was just one of these things that he liked / was into, then I guess it would be normal. Just a guy into a weird ass kink, but all these things combined just did not sit right with me as well as how he was acting. Now, I said in my other post that basically the ENTIRE TIME I was with him, he had a weird ass expression on his face that made me uncomfortable. I wish I could explain better, but it was like constipated / confused look, like Edward from Twilight when he does those weird facial expressions. His brows were always furrowed and he looked like he was uncomfortable / anxious the whole time. He was being super sketchy. His body language was just really off-putting and made me feel weird. And the thing he kept ranting about the most was how Jeffrey Dahmer was misunderstood and just needed someone to be there for him, and then maybe he wouldn't have killed people. The thing that scared me the most was how he said he felt the same way, that he wished he could just have someone not leave him and how he had trust issues after his former partners. Especially the one I mentioned in the last post, about how his ex partner before me snuck out in the middle of the night and got his family to come get him. His family lived across the country, so it had to have been pretty bad for his ex to call his parents and tell them to come get him. Because they drove across multiple different states to come pick him up in the middle of the night so he could sneak away. I have a major feeling that B left out a lot of their fight and why his ex actually left. Not to mention while I was with him, he watched every move I made and wouldn't let me get on my phone without him seeing what I was doing / texting to people. I have a feeling if he thought I was trying to leave him he would've done something bad. Just like Jeffrey. Jeffrey wouldn't always hurt his victims (Not at first anyway) it was always when they said they had to leave that he would get angry and force them to stay. So, idk man, I could've been killed or worse. Also, I know I said I could've been killed or worse, and some of you are probably thinking what's worse than being killed? Well, to me, a lot of things he could've done would have been worse. Especially if he was trying to be like Dahmer, then I could've gotten acid injected into my brain or been r*aped. Which is exactly what I think he was trying to do, with how much alcohol he was trying to push on me. He also kept 'petting' me and touching my thighs while he told me all the ways he'd kill me 'if he was a serial killer.' I genuinely think that something bad would've happened if I didn't have one HELL of an excuse to leave. Because honestly, my mom couldn't have given a better excuse for me to go that also sounded real and not like a lie. Because, like I said before, I had told him before I met him that my mother had health issues and was always in and out of the hospital, so it was perfect that she used that as an excuse. He got really cold and wasn't speaking to me when he heard my phone call and that I had to leave, but I think if I would've tried to leave without that excuse or by giving him an obvious lie, then I might not be here. I'm also super grateful to my best friends who let me come to their place and stay late instead of going home. Me and my best friend, basically my sister, have talked about this a lot since it happened and every time we do, we try to rationalize why someone would act like that, other than being an actual serial killer / r*pist. But we can never think of a reason besides the fact that he simply is what he seems like. A really unhinged person who could've hurt me badly. Also, this was my FIRST TRUE experience in online dating and I honestly think I'm never going to try that again. I've run into so many creeps trying to date online, AND in real life. Most people who aren't trans probably don't realize or know this, but there are a lot of men that want to do really weird and fucked up things to trans people because I guess they think we are some mutant or something, or 'the best of both worlds.' I've run into them a lot, and when I met B, I thought that was over. I thought I had met an actual good person who was educated on trans topics and was respectful of my boundaries and my body. Nope. Now I'm starting to think dating, at least where I live now, is almost impossible and I think I'm going to be alone for awhile. :') Not to mention, I'm now traumatized after what happened with B, and I already had trouble trusting men, and just people in general. Before meeting him I have already been SAed before, multiple times. I guess I'm simply asking for advice on how to move on from something like this. I was trying, and doing kind of ok, moving on from things that had happened before I met B, but now after what happened with him I feel like I'm back sliding and it's making me relive all my past traumas. I basically trust no one, when it comes to sexual things, besides my two best friends I've known since childhood. I tend to over sexualize everything, even things that aren't sexual at all, and get scared around ANYONE, even family members, who I know deep down don't see me like that. I was also abused as a kid and wasn't able to get out of it until I was eighteen, and I've only just turned twenty now, so it wasn't even until two years ago I was still being abused. I feel I've fallen into the dark again and my panic attacks have gotten worse again. I feel depressed and I didn't realize until recently that I'm suicidal again. I didn't realize it until recently, because when I was younger and suicidal, I knew I was. I've tried unaliving myself before so I didn't think about it because I don't feel that way now. It's different this time. Instead of my thoughts directly wanting me to pull out a gun and, ya know, this time it's more subtle and more of a subconscious action. Like closing my eyes for a few seconds while driving. Or intrusive thoughts about ramming head first into the car in the other lane. Or going hiking and thinking of what it would feel like to step off the cliff. I'm honestly just tired. I feel like every person I meet has some kind of ulterior motive, whatever it is. I'm working at a really nice job but it seems like every time I save up money and am doing good for my future, I have to use it on something unexpected that pops into my life. I'm living with my grandparents for now because they said they weren't going to charge me rent, and I'm super grateful for that, but even still I can't keep money and I kind of just don't see my future anymore. Both my parents were drug addicts, my mother to pain pills then xans after that, my father was mainly an alcoholic but also did meth, pills, and other things. It doesn't help because when I was younger, around my early teen years (13-16) I started smoking cigs when I was 12, then I started smoking weed, which I still do, but then it got worse and I've tried xans, snorting pills I didn't even know what they were, drinking, and I've even done shrooms and LSD. I've also had some really bad trips on LSD that made my severe panic disorder worse and after that I now disassociate a lot too and have trouble knowing if I'm in reality while having a panic attack. And after what happened with B, his house and the smell (Cigs and booze) just reminded me what it was like living with my parents in that crack house looking trailer. It's like my brain won't let me let go of the past and move on. It's like I'm constantly stuck there still. And aside from dating, it's also super hard to meet people as friends where I live. I love my two best friends, one of which has been with me since we were basically fetuses and her parents and mine were friends, so her parents were also abusive drug addicts. It's nice to have someone so close and how we can relate to what we went through. We joke that we were traumatized by our parents, but also by each other's parents as well lol. Even though I'm grateful for them, you never know what's going to happen in the future and I don't want to be solely dependent on them and be able to make new friends, but I just can't. I feel so alone, and my friend I grew up with has been moved out a lot longer than me and has had time to heal, and I don't wanna keep dumping my mental problems on her because it's unfair to her. I feel like I'm just bringing her back to our past with me. When I moved out, I completely cut ties with my father, I don't even like calling him that, as he was the first person to SA me and he is, in general, and evil person. I try to think that evil people don't exist, but then I think of him and I realize they do. My mom though, is a good person when she isn't on anything. Recently though, I blocked her and haven't talked to her in over a month because she OD again on xans and amphetamines. I kind of realized recently that she is almost as bad as my father, even though I never wanted to admit that to myself. Because when I was younger, I admitted to her that he had SAed me and she kept pressuring me to tell her what happened, like, IN DETAIL. I told her no because I didn't want to relive it and think about it, even now I have a lot of repressed memories. And because I wouldn't tell her EXACTLY what happened, she doesn't believe. I think she does, deep down, but she doesn't want it to be real. And after her OD last month, she tried telling me she didn't and that it was just her BLOOD PRESSURE. LIKE OH MY GOD BITCH, WHY DO YOU LIE? She must think I'm stupid or something. Before I blocked her, I cussed her out over text and said something like "Who do you think was the first person at the hospital? Not grandma, not your husband, ME. I've always been there for you first. Who do you think told me you had OD? The doctors when I first got there!" And she still denies it, even though when me and my friend got the hospital she was lying there naked (they had to cut her clothes off to save her) with a breathing tube stuck down her throat. I've tried helping her my whole life but apparently she doesn't want help. So now I've gotten tired of her BS and I blocked her and now my grandma is pressuring me to talking to her, luckily though, my grandpa went through something similar as a kid and understands how it is so he isn't guilt tripping me into talking with her. I'm just tired of having to put into traumatic situations. My mental health just keeps getting worse. Somehow, trauma always finds me and nowadays, it seems my only friends are my demons. It used to not be like this, but now even when I'm with my two closest friends, I still feel lonely. Like they are reminding me that when I leave my friends, I'm alone again. Anyway, I know this probably isn't the right subreddit for this, but I kind of just started ranting, sorry for that.
Also, to clear some things up, no I don't use drugs, not anymore. I've never really been an addict at all in my life, somehow. I just did drugs because I wanted to escape when I was younger, and thankfully I never got addicted to any of them. Not like you can get addicted to LSD or shrooms anyway. The only thing I've got addicted to was cigarettes, which rn, is the least of my concerns. And as for weed, I used to be a major stoner but it started making my panic attacks worse so I stopped for a few years, cold turkey, and only recently started smoking it again. So, I'm not worried about weed and if anything, it's been helping now. Especially since I don't smoke it nearly as much as I used to. So, for those worried about me being or getting on drugs, don't worry I'm fine. I have made a clear boundary for myself to never do anything besides smoking my cigs and weed. Cause I've seen how drugs affect my parents and others I've known and I've sworn to myself that I won't become them. It also sucks though because I see psychedelics as something that can help a lot of people with trauma, and the first shrooms trip I ever did changed my life for the better. Now though, after my bad LSD trip, I don't know if I can every do them again. Maybe one day, but not for the foreseeable furture. Again, sorry for going on a rant. I'll probably post this to another subreddit and see if anyone can help. I'm not looking for therapy as I don't have the money or health insurance. Just looking for someone who can relate that has been able to move past similar things and find happiness. If you've read this far, thank you. Like seriously, from the bottom of my heart. It means a lot to me that someone would read about another person's problems and life experience. I hope whoever is reading this is having a great day / night wherever you are, and are living your best life. And for those reading that are going through a similar situation right now and can't get out, I promise you aren't alone. I haven't really gotten better, so I can't say things get better, but I can say it DOES get easier. All I can say is, you aren't alone in it. There are others, like me, who know your pain. Keep living, it'll be worth it. Even though I'm not doing my best and my mental problems are still with me, that doesn't mean it's all been bad. I've made a lot of amazing memories after I moved out. Keep going.

Howdy! My english bad sorry for that but are you know what mod are crashing game? When I create new world game crashes.
---- Minecraft Crash Report ----
// You're mean.
Time: 2024-05-19 04:57:47
Description: Exception in server tick loop
java.lang.BootstrapMethodError: java.lang.RuntimeException: Mixin transformation of com.simibubi.create.content.trains.entity.Train failed

`at com.simibubi.create.content.trains.GlobalRailwayManager.loadTrackData(GlobalRailwayManager.java:94)` `at com.simibubi.create.content.trains.GlobalRailwayManager.levelLoaded(GlobalRailwayManager.java:83)` `at com.simibubi.create.foundation.events.CommonEvents.onLoadWorld(CommonEvents.java:171)` `at net.fabricmc.fabric.api.event.lifecycle.v1.ServerWorldEvents.lambda$static$0(ServerWorldEvents.java:34)` `at net.minecraft.server.MinecraftServer.redirect$coo000$fabric-lifecycle-events-v1$onLoadWorld(MinecraftServer.java:4870)` `at net.minecraft.server.MinecraftServer.method_3786(MinecraftServer.java:360)` `at net.minecraft.server.MinecraftServer.method_3735(MinecraftServer.java:324)` `at net.minecraft.class_1132.method_3823(class_1132.java:69)` `at net.minecraft.server.MinecraftServer.method_29741(MinecraftServer.java:646)` `at net.minecraft.server.MinecraftServer.method_29739(MinecraftServer.java:265)` `at java.base/java.lang.Thread.run(Thread.java:833)` 

Caused by: java.lang.RuntimeException: Mixin transformation of com.simibubi.create.content.trains.entity.Train failed

`at net.fabricmc.loader.impl.launch.knot.KnotClassDelegate.getPostMixinClassByteArray(KnotClassDelegate.java:427)` `at net.fabricmc.loader.impl.launch.knot.KnotClassDelegate.tryLoadClass(KnotClassDelegate.java:323)` `at net.fabricmc.loader.impl.launch.knot.KnotClassDelegate.loadClass(KnotClassDelegate.java:218)` `at net.fabricmc.loader.impl.launch.knot.KnotClassLoader.loadClass(KnotClassLoader.java:119)` `at java.base/java.lang.ClassLoader.loadClass(ClassLoader.java:525)` `... 11 more` 

Caused by: org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.throwables.MixinTransformerError: An unexpected critical error was encountered

`at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.MixinProcessor.applyMixins(MixinProcessor.java:392)` `at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.MixinTransformer.transformClass(MixinTransformer.java:234)` `at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.MixinTransformer.transformClassBytes(MixinTransformer.java:202)` `at net.fabricmc.loader.impl.launch.knot.KnotClassDelegate.getPostMixinClassByteArray(KnotClassDelegate.java:422)` `... 15 more` 

Caused by: org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.throwables.MixinApplyError: Mixin [create_interactive.mixins.json:MixinTrain from mod create_interactive] from phase [DEFAULT] in config [create_interactive.mixins.json] FAILED during APPLY

`at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.MixinProcessor.handleMixinError(MixinProcessor.java:638)` `at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.MixinProcessor.handleMixinApplyError(MixinProcessor.java:589)` `at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.MixinProcessor.applyMixins(MixinProcessor.java:379)` `... 18 more` 

Caused by: org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.throwables.InvalidMixinException: u/Overwrite method findCollidingTrain in create_interactive.mixins.json:MixinTrain from mod create_interactive was not located in the target class com.simibubi.create.content.trains.entity.Train. Using refmap create_interactive-fabric-refmap.json

`at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.MixinPreProcessorStandard.attachSpecialMethod(MixinPreProcessorStandard.java:436)` `at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.MixinPreProcessorStandard.attachOverwriteMethod(MixinPreProcessorStandard.java:416)` `at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.MixinPreProcessorStandard.attachMethods(MixinPreProcessorStandard.java:346)` `at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.MixinPreProcessorStandard.attach(MixinPreProcessorStandard.java:299)` `at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.MixinPreProcessorStandard.createContextFor(MixinPreProcessorStandard.java:277)` `at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.MixinInfo.createContextFor(MixinInfo.java:1289)` `at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.MixinApplicatorStandard.apply(MixinApplicatorStandard.java:294)` `at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.TargetClassContext.apply(TargetClassContext.java:422)` `at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.TargetClassContext.applyMixins(TargetClassContext.java:403)` `at org.spongepowered.asm.mixin.transformer.MixinProcessor.applyMixins(MixinProcessor.java:363)` `... 18 more` 

A detailed walkthrough of the error, its code path and all known details is as follows:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-- System Details --
Details:

`Minecraft Version: 1.20.1` `Minecraft Version ID: 1.20.1` `Operating System: Windows 11 (amd64) version 10.0` `Java Version: 17.0.8, Microsoft` `Java VM Version: OpenJDK 64-Bit Server VM (mixed mode), Microsoft` `Memory: 2679414400 bytes (2555 MiB) / 4932501504 bytes (4704 MiB) up to 34359738368 bytes (32768 MiB)` `CPUs: 16` `Processor Vendor: GenuineIntel` `Processor Name: 11th Gen Intel(R) Core(TM) i7-11700K @ 3.60GHz` `Identifier: Intel64 Family 6 Model 167 Stepping 1` `Microarchitecture: Rocket Lake` `Frequency (GHz): 3.60` `Number of physical packages: 1` `Number of physical CPUs: 8` `Number of logical CPUs: 16` `Graphics card #0 name: NVIDIA GeForce RTX 3080` `Graphics card #0 vendor: NVIDIA (0x10de)` `Graphics card #0 VRAM (MB): 4095.00` `Graphics card #0 deviceId: 0x2216` `Graphics card #0 versionInfo: DriverVersion=31.0.15.5212` `Memory slot #0 capacity (MB): 16384.00` `Memory slot #0 clockSpeed (GHz): 3.20` `Memory slot #0 type: DDR4` `Memory slot #1 capacity (MB): 16384.00` `Memory slot #1 clockSpeed (GHz): 3.20` `Memory slot #1 type: DDR4` `Virtual memory max (MB): 38777.41` `Virtual memory used (MB): 14516.93` `Swap memory total (MB): 6144.00` `Swap memory used (MB): 0.00` `JVM Flags: 9 total; -XX:HeapDumpPath=MojangTricksIntelDriversForPerformance_javaw.exe_minecraft.exe.heapdump -Xss1M -Xmx32G -XX:+UnlockExperimentalVMOptions -XX:+UseG1GC -XX:G1NewSizePercent=20 -XX:G1ReservePercent=20 -XX:MaxGCPauseMillis=50 -XX:G1HeapRegionSize=32M` `Fabric Mods:` `ad_astra: Ad Astra 1.15.18` `javazoom_jlayer: jlayer 1.0.1` `alloy_forgery: Alloy Forgery 2.1.2+1.20` `antique-atlas: Antique Atlas 2.7.2+1.20` `folk_sisby_kaleido-config: kaleido-config 0.1.1+1.1.0-beta.3` `surveyor: Surveyor Map Framework 0.4.3+1.20` `appleskin: AppleSkin 2.5.1+mc1.20` `archers: Archers (RPG Series) 1.2.1+1.20.1` `com_github_zsoltmolnarrr_tinyconfig: TinyConfig 2.3.2` `ranged_weapon_api: RangedWeaponAPI 1.1.0+1.20.1` `structure_pool_api: Structure Pool API 1.0+1.20.1` `architectury: Architectury 9.2.14` `artifacts: Artifacts 9.5.5` `cardinal-components-base: Cardinal Components API (base) 5.2.2` `cardinal-components-entity: Cardinal Components API (entities) 5.2.2` `expandability: ExpandAbility 9.0.4` `step-height-entity-attribute: Step Height Entity Attribute 1.2.0` `azurelibarmor: AzureLib Armor 2.0.3` `balm-fabric: Balm 7.2.2` `bclib: BCLib 3.0.14` `wunderlib: WunderLib 1.1.5` `bettercombat: Better Combat 1.8.5+1.20.1` `betterdeserttemples: YUNG's Better Desert Temples 1.20-Fabric-3.0.3` `org_reflections_reflections: reflections 0.10.2` `betterdungeons: YUNG's Better Dungeons 1.20-Fabric-4.0.4` `betterend: Better End 4.0.11` `betterendisland: YUNG's Better End Island 1.20-Fabric-2.0.6` `betterfortresses: YUNG's Better Nether Fortresses 1.20-Fabric-2.0.6` `betterjungletemples: YUNG's Better Jungle Temples 1.20-Fabric-2.0.5` `bettermineshafts: YUNG's Better Mineshafts 1.20-Fabric-4.0.4` `betternether: Better Nether 9.0.10` `betteroceanmonuments: YUNG's Better Ocean Monuments 1.20-Fabric-3.0.4` `betterwitchhuts: YUNG's Better Witch Huts 1.20-Fabric-3.0.3` `bookshelf: Bookshelf 20.1.10` `bosses_of_mass_destruction: Bosses of Mass Destruction (Beta) 1.7.5-1.20.1` `maelstrom_library: Maelstrom Library 1.6.1-1.20` `multipart_entities: MultipartEntities 1.5-1.20` `botarium: Botarium 2.3.3` `team_reborn_energy: Energy 3.0.0` `cardinal-components: Cardinal Components API 5.2.2` `cardinal-components-block: Cardinal Components API (blocks) 5.2.2` `cardinal-components-chunk: Cardinal Components API (chunks) 5.2.2` `cardinal-components-item: Cardinal Components API (items) 5.2.2` `cardinal-components-level: Cardinal Components API (world saves) 5.2.2` `cardinal-components-scoreboard: Cardinal Components API (scoreboard) 5.2.2` `cardinal-components-world: Cardinal Components API (worlds) 5.2.2` `carryon: Carry On` [`2.1.2.7`](http://2.1.2.7) `charmofundying: Charm of Undying 6.5.0+1.20.1` `spectrelib: SpectreLib 0.13.15+1.20.1` `cicada: CICADA 0.7.1+1.20.1` `cloth-config: Cloth Config v11 11.1.118` `cloth-basic-math: cloth-basic-math 0.6.1` `crawl: Crawl 0.12.0` `mm: Manningham Mills 2.3` `create: Create 0.5.1-f-build.1417+mc1.20.1` `com_electronwill_night-config_core: core 3.6.6` `com_electronwill_night-config_toml: toml 3.6.6` `com_google_code_findbugs_jsr305: jsr305 3.0.2` `flywheel: Flywheel 0.6.10-2` `forgeconfigapiport: Forge Config API Port 8.0.0` `milk: Milk Lib 1.2.60` 

dripstone_fluid_lib: Dripstone Fluid Lib 3.0.2

 `porting_lib_brewing: Porting Lib Brewing 2.3.2+1.20.1` `porting_lib_models: Porting Lib Models 2.3.2+1.20.1` 

porting_lib_model_loader: Porting Lib Model Loader 2.3.2+1.20.1

 `porting_lib_obj_loader: Porting Lib Obj Loader 2.3.2+1.20.1` `porting_lib_tags: Porting Lib Tags 3.0` `reach-entity-attributes: Reach Entity Attributes 2.4.0` `registrate-fabric: Registrate for Fabric 1.3.62-MC1.20.1` 

porting_lib_data: Porting Lib Data 2.1.1090+1.20
porting_lib_model_generators: Porting Lib Model Generators 2.1.1090+1.20
porting_lib_model_materials: Porting Lib Model Materials 2.1.1090+1.20

 `create_interactive: Create: Interactive 1.0.2-beta.2` `create_jetpack: Create Jetpack 4.2.0` `flightlib: Flight Lib 2.1.0` `createbigcannons: Create Big Cannons 0.5.4-nightly-8b9cea6` `ritchiesprojectilelib: Ritchie's Projectile Library 1.0.0-369e88d+1.20.1-fabric` 

porting_lib_utility: Porting Lib Utility 2.1.1127+1.20
porting_lib_gametest: Porting Lib GameTest 2.1.1127+1.20

 `creativecore: CreativeCore 2.11.28` `net_minecraftforge_eventbus: eventbus 6.0.3` `creeperoverhaul: Creeper Overhaul 3.0.2` `distanthorizons: Distant Horizons 2.0.4-a-dev` `do_a_barrel_roll: Do a Barrel Roll 3.5.6+1.20.1` `fabric-permissions-api-v0: fabric-permissions-api 0.2-SNAPSHOT` `mixinsquared: MixinSquared 0.1.1` `dsurround: Dynamic Surroundings 0.3.3` `org_openjdk_nashorn_nashorn-core: nashorn-core 15.4` `eatinganimationid: Eating Animation 1.20+1.9.61` `elytraslot: Elytra Slot 6.3.0+1.20.1` `endermanoverhaul: Enderman Overhaul 1.0.4` `endrem: End Remastered 5.2.4` `fabric-api: Fabric API 0.92.0+1.20.1` `fabric-api-base: Fabric API Base 0.4.31+1802ada577` `fabric-api-lookup-api-v1: Fabric API Lookup API (v1) 1.6.36+1802ada577` `fabric-biome-api-v1: Fabric Biome API (v1) 13.0.13+1802ada577` `fabric-block-api-v1: Fabric Block API (v1) 1.0.11+1802ada577` `fabric-block-view-api-v2: Fabric BlockView API (v2) 1.0.1+1802ada577` `fabric-blockrenderlayer-v1: Fabric BlockRenderLayer Registration (v1) 1.1.41+1802ada577` `fabric-client-tags-api-v1: Fabric Client Tags 1.1.2+1802ada577` `fabric-command-api-v1: Fabric Command API (v1) 1.2.34+f71b366f77` `fabric-command-api-v2: Fabric Command API (v2) 2.2.13+1802ada577` `fabric-commands-v0: Fabric Commands (v0) 0.2.51+df3654b377` `fabric-containers-v0: Fabric Containers (v0) 0.1.64+df3654b377` `fabric-content-registries-v0: Fabric Content Registries (v0) 4.0.11+1802ada577` `fabric-convention-tags-v1: Fabric Convention Tags 1.5.5+1802ada577` `fabric-crash-report-info-v1: Fabric Crash Report Info (v1) 0.2.19+1802ada577` `fabric-data-attachment-api-v1: Fabric Data Attachment API (v1) 1.0.0+de0fd6d177` `fabric-data-generation-api-v1: Fabric Data Generation API (v1) 12.3.4+1802ada577` `fabric-dimensions-v1: Fabric Dimensions API (v1) 2.1.54+1802ada577` `fabric-entity-events-v1: Fabric Entity Events (v1) 1.6.0+1c78457f77` `fabric-events-interaction-v0: Fabric Events Interaction (v0) 0.6.2+1802ada577` `fabric-events-lifecycle-v0: Fabric Events Lifecycle (v0) 0.2.63+df3654b377` `fabric-game-rule-api-v1: Fabric Game Rule API (v1) 1.0.40+1802ada577` `fabric-item-api-v1: Fabric Item API (v1) 2.1.28+1802ada577` `fabric-item-group-api-v1: Fabric Item Group API (v1) 4.0.12+1802ada577` `fabric-key-binding-api-v1: Fabric Key Binding API (v1) 1.0.37+1802ada577` `fabric-keybindings-v0: Fabric Key Bindings (v0) 0.2.35+df3654b377` `fabric-lifecycle-events-v1: Fabric Lifecycle Events (v1) 2.2.22+1802ada577` `fabric-loot-api-v2: Fabric Loot API (v2) 1.2.1+1802ada577` `fabric-loot-tables-v1: Fabric Loot Tables (v1) 1.1.45+9e7660c677` `fabric-message-api-v1: Fabric Message API (v1) 5.1.9+1802ada577` `fabric-mining-level-api-v1: Fabric Mining Level API (v1) 2.1.50+1802ada577` `fabric-model-loading-api-v1: Fabric Model Loading API (v1) 1.0.3+1802ada577` `fabric-models-v0: Fabric Models (v0) 0.4.2+9386d8a777` `fabric-networking-api-v1: Fabric Networking API (v1) 1.3.11+1802ada577` `fabric-networking-v0: Fabric Networking (v0) 0.3.51+df3654b377` `fabric-object-builder-api-v1: Fabric Object Builder API (v1) 11.1.3+1802ada577` `fabric-particles-v1: Fabric Particles (v1) 1.1.2+1802ada577` `fabric-recipe-api-v1: Fabric Recipe API (v1) 1.0.21+1802ada577` `fabric-registry-sync-v0: Fabric Registry Sync (v0) 2.3.3+1802ada577` `fabric-renderer-api-v1: Fabric Renderer API (v1) 3.2.1+1802ada577` `fabric-renderer-indigo: Fabric Renderer - Indigo 1.5.1+1802ada577` `fabric-renderer-registries-v1: Fabric Renderer Registries (v1) 3.2.46+df3654b377` `fabric-rendering-data-attachment-v1: Fabric Rendering Data Attachment (v1) 0.3.37+92a0d36777` `fabric-rendering-fluids-v1: Fabric Rendering Fluids (v1) 3.0.28+1802ada577` `fabric-rendering-v0: Fabric Rendering (v0) 1.1.49+df3654b377` `fabric-rendering-v1: Fabric Rendering (v1) 3.0.8+1802ada577` `fabric-resource-conditions-api-v1: Fabric Resource Conditions API (v1) 2.3.8+1802ada577` `fabric-resource-loader-v0: Fabric Resource Loader (v0) 0.11.10+1802ada577` `fabric-screen-api-v1: Fabric Screen API (v1) 2.0.8+1802ada577` `fabric-screen-handler-api-v1: Fabric Screen Handler API (v1) 1.3.30+1802ada577` `fabric-sound-api-v1: Fabric Sound API (v1) 1.0.13+1802ada577` `fabric-transfer-api-v1: Fabric Transfer API (v1) 3.3.4+1802ada577` `fabric-transitive-access-wideners-v1: Fabric Transitive Access Wideners (v1) 4.3.1+1802ada577` `fabric-language-kotlin: Fabric Language Kotlin 1.10.20+kotlin.1.9.24` `org_jetbrains_kotlin_kotlin-reflect: kotlin-reflect 1.9.24` `org_jetbrains_kotlin_kotlin-stdlib: kotlin-stdlib 1.9.24` `org_jetbrains_kotlin_kotlin-stdlib-jdk7: kotlin-stdlib-jdk7 1.9.24` `org_jetbrains_kotlin_kotlin-stdlib-jdk8: kotlin-stdlib-jdk8 1.9.24` `org_jetbrains_kotlinx_atomicfu-jvm: atomicfu-jvm 0.24.0` `org_jetbrains_kotlinx_kotlinx-coroutines-core-jvm: kotlinx-coroutines-core-jvm 1.8.0` `org_jetbrains_kotlinx_kotlinx-coroutines-jdk8: kotlinx-coroutines-jdk8 1.8.0` `org_jetbrains_kotlinx_kotlinx-datetime-jvm: kotlinx-datetime-jvm 0.5.0` `org_jetbrains_kotlinx_kotlinx-serialization-cbor-jvm: kotlinx-serialization-cbor-jvm 1.6.3` `org_jetbrains_kotlinx_kotlinx-serialization-core-jvm: kotlinx-serialization-core-jvm 1.6.3` `org_jetbrains_kotlinx_kotlinx-serialization-json-jvm: kotlinx-serialization-json-jvm 1.6.3` `fabricloader: Fabric Loader 0.15.11` `mixinextras: MixinExtras 0.3.5` `fallingtrees: Falling Trees 0.12` `farmersdelight: Farmer's Delight 1.20.1-2.1.1+refabricated` `porting_lib_accessors: Porting Lib Accessors 2.3.4+1.20.1` `porting_lib_base: Porting Lib Base 2.3.4+1.20.1` 

porting_lib_entity: Porting Lib Entity 2.3.4+1.20.1
porting_lib_fluids: Porting Lib Fluids 2.3.4+1.20.1
porting_lib_mixin_extensions: Porting Lib Mixin Extensions 2.3.4+1.20.1
porting_lib_transfer: Porting Lib Transfer 2.3.4+1.20.1

 `porting_lib_client_events: Porting Lib Client Events 2.3.4+1.20.1` `porting_lib_config: Porting Lib Config 2.3.4+1.20.1` `porting_lib_extensions: Porting Lib Extensions 2.3.4+1.20.1` 

porting_lib_attributes: Porting Lib Attributes 2.3.4+1.20.1
porting_lib_common: Porting Lib Common 2.3.4+1.20.1

 `porting_lib_lazy_registration: Porting Lib Lazy Register 2.3.4+1.20.1` 

porting_lib_core: Porting Lib Core 2.3.4+1.20.1

 `porting_lib_loot: Porting Lib Loot 2.3.4+1.20.1` `porting_lib_networking: Porting Lib Networking 2.3.4+1.20.1` `porting_lib_recipe_book_categories: Porting Lib Recipe Book Categories 2.3.4+1.20.1` `porting_lib_registries: Porting Lib Registries 2.3.4+1.20.1` `porting_lib_tool_actions: Porting Lib Tool Actions 2.3.4+1.20.1` `figura: Figura 0.1.4+1.20.1` `com_github_figuramc_luaj_luaj-core: luaj-core 3.0.8-figura` `com_github_figuramc_luaj_luaj-jse: luaj-jse 3.0.8-figura` `com_neovisionaries_nv-websocket-client: nv-websocket-client 2.14` `firstperson: FirstPerson 2.3.4` `framework: Framework 0.6.27` `org_javassist_javassist: javassist 3.29.2-GA` `friendlyfire: FriendlyFire 18.0.6` `geckolib: GeckoLib 4 4.4.4` `com_eliotlash_mclib_mclib: mclib 20` `goblintraders: Goblin Traders 1.9.3` `graveyard: The Graveyard 3.0` `guardvillagers: GuardVillagers 2.0.9-1.20.1` `midnightlib: MidnightLib 1.4.1` `healthindicatortxf: Health Indicator TXF 1.20.1-1.2.3-fabric` `configlibtxf: ConfigLib TXF 4.2.1-fabric` `horizontal_glass_panes: Horizontal Glass Panes 2.0.0` `indium: Indium 1.0.30+mc1.20.4` `inventoryprofilesnext: Inventory Profiles Next 1.10.10` `iris: Iris 1.7.0+mc1.20.1` `io_github_douira_glsl-transformer: glsl-transformer 2.0.0-pre13` `org_anarres_jcpp: jcpp 1.4.14` `org_antlr_antlr4-runtime: antlr4-runtime 4.11.1` `irisflw: Iris Flywheel Compat 0.2.5` `ironchest: Iron Chests 2.0.2` `libgui: LibGui 8.1.1+1.20.1` 

jankson: Jankson 6.0.0+j1.2.3
blue_endless_jankson: jankson 1.2.3
libninepatch: LibNinePatch 1.2.0

 `itemphysic: ItemPhysic 1.7.1` `jade: Jade 11.9.2+fabric` `java: OpenJDK 64-Bit Server VM 17` `jei: Just Enough Items` [`15.3.0.4`](http://15.3.0.4) `jeresources: Just Enough Resources` [`1.4.0.247`](http://1.4.0.247) `jewelry: Jewelry (RPG Series) 1.3.0+1.20.1` `kiwi: Kiwi Library 11.6.2` `lambdynlights: LambDynamicLights 2.3.2+1.20.1` `pride: Pride Lib 1.2.0+1.19.4` `spruceui: SpruceUI 5.0.0+1.20` `libipn: libIPN 4.0.2` `lithium: Lithium 0.11.2` `minecraft: Minecraft 1.20.1` `mobsunscreen: Mob Sunscreen 3.1.0` `modmenu: Mod Menu 7.2.2` `mythicmounts: Mythic Mounts 1.20.1-7.4` `naturalist: Naturalist 4.0.3` `nethersdelight: Nether's Delight 1.0.0` `disable_custom_worlds_advice: Disable Custom Worlds Advice 4.1` `notenoughanimations: NotEnoughAnimations 1.7.3` `notreepunching: No Tree Punching 7.1.0` `nyfsspiders: Nyf's Spiders 2.1.1` `opf: Modern Online Picture Frames 1` `owo: oωo 0.11.1+1.20` `paladins: Paladins & Priests (RPG Series) 1.2.0+1.20.1` `pandalib: PandaLib 0.2.1` `passablefoliage: Passable Foliage 1.20.1-fabric-8.2.1` `patchouli: Patchouli 1.20.1-84-FABRIC` `fiber: fiber 0.23.0-2` `player-animator: Player Animator 1.0.2-rc1+1.20` `polymorph: Polymorph 0.49.3+1.20.1` `presencefootsteps: Presence Footsteps 1.9.4+1.20.1` `kirin: Kirin UI 1.15.6+1.20.1` `puffish_skills: Pufferfish's Skills 0.12.1` `reeses-sodium-options: Reese's Sodium Options 1.7.2+mc1.20.1-build.101` `repurposed_structures: Repurposed Structures 7.1.15+1.20.1-fabric` `resourcefulconfig: Resourcefulconfig 2.1.2` `resourcefullib: Resourceful Lib 2.1.24` `com_teamresourceful_bytecodecs: bytecodecs 1.0.2` `com_teamresourceful_yabn: yabn 1.0.3` `runes: Runes 0.9.11+1.20.1` `simplyswords: Simply Swords 1.55.0-1.20.1` `sit: Sit 1.20-24` `sliceanddice: Create Slice & Dice 3.2.1` `snowrealmagic: Snow! Real Magic! 10.4.3` `sodium: Sodium 0.5.8+mc1.20.1` `sodium-extra: Sodium Extra 0.5.4+mc1.20.1-build.115` `caffeineconfig: CaffeineConfig 1.3.0+1.17` `crowdin-translate: CrowdinTranslate 1.4+1.19.3` `spell_engine: Spell Engine 0.14.3+1.20.1` `spell_power: Spell Power Attribute 0.10.2+1.20.1` `travelersbackpack: Traveler's Backpack fabric-1.20.1-9.1.12` `travelerstitles: Traveler's Titles 1.20-Fabric-4.0.2` `trinkets: Trinkets 3.7.2` `valkyrienskies: Valkyrien Skies 2 2.3.0-beta.5` `visuality: Visuality 0.7.1+1.20` `vs_eureka: VS Eureka Mod 1.5.1-beta.3` `watching: From The Fog 1.9.2` `water-erosion: Water Erosion 1.1.6` `waterdripsound: Drip Sounds 1.19-0.3.2` `waystones: Waystones 14.1.3` `wizards: Wizards (RPG Series) 1.2.0+1.20.1` `yet_another_config_lib_v3: YetAnotherConfigLib 3.4.2+1.20.1-fabric` `com_twelvemonkeys_common_common-image: common-image 3.10.0` `com_twelvemonkeys_common_common-io: common-io 3.10.0` `com_twelvemonkeys_common_common-lang: common-lang 3.10.0` `com_twelvemonkeys_imageio_imageio-core: imageio-core 3.10.0` `com_twelvemonkeys_imageio_imageio-metadata: imageio-metadata 3.10.0` `com_twelvemonkeys_imageio_imageio-webp: imageio-webp 3.10.0` `org_quiltmc_parsers_gson: gson 0.2.1` `org_quiltmc_parsers_json: json 0.2.1` `yungsapi: YUNG's API 1.20-Fabric-4.0.5` `yungsbridges: YUNG's Bridges 1.20-Fabric-4.0.3` `yungsextras: YUNG's Extras 1.20-Fabric-4.0.3` `Loaded Shaderpack: (off)` `Flywheel Backend: GL33 Instanced Arrays` `Server Running: true` `Player Count: 0 / 8; []` `Data Packs: vanilla, fabric` `Enabled Feature Flags: minecraft:vanilla` `World Generation: Experimental` `Type: Integrated Server (map_client.txt)` `Is Modded: Definitely; Client brand changed to 'fabric'; Server brand changed to 'fabric'` `Launched Version: fabric-loader-0.15.11-1.20.1` 

Me F(22) and my ex husband (23) were married when we were married at (19) and (20). We got married so young. He was in the military and he was during basic training. I believe that we had the best relationship before the army. We were both heavily in love with each other. But then the army happened and got married. My parents never really liked the ideas of getting married and we did it anyways without them knowing. It created a hard time for us. He was stationed in the Texas. Hundreds of miles away from where we lived. We did long distance until I got out of our lease and moved with him. I was constantly told by my parents that he is using me for the bah money, or not to feel lonely. I never did I feel that way until we got divorced but I don’t know what to feel about that anymore. I’ll explain more after I add more information to our story. He got into a car accident and the car totaled so he need a new car. Which added to debts and with the debts came the problems. We had so many debts and the army pressure never helped us. I worked for a few months but i quit my job cause it wasn’t good for my mental health. I can attribute some of the blame. I could have continued to work and paid off our debts but i couldn’t. I went into a heavy depression state that I didn’t realize I was in. I did do things around the house like cook dinner (not all the time cause I didn’t have any motivation to do it so we order DoorDash), I used to do laundry in the bathtub because he was so busy and tired to go to laundry may, I constantly picked up and cleaned the house. I could have done more. I know I’m partially to blame for a lot of things. I had trust issues but those added to our problems. One day I was gone for a month, I went to spend time at a youth group trip with his mom and then I went to see my parents after that. When I got to Texas his best friend told me that he was trying to sleep with another woman while I was gone. Which killed me. I asked him when he got home and he told me that he was trying to but he didn’t do anything with her and was trying to seem like it cause his friend was pushing it on him. I forgave him and push past it. I fucked up too. I did something that i regretted and still regret till this day. I loved him and I still do. I don’t think I will ever stop loving him. We were had our fights like always. It was always about money and how I wasn’t valuing him and he wasn’t valuing me. I think the only time that we didn’t fight was the last month we had before he deployed. We were so happy. We spent our time together watching movies, playing card games, playing video games, just being the same kids we were before we got married. I miss those days sometimes. I wish I could turn back time and do things differently. Now the hard part. The divorce. I never wanted to be divorced. He was/still is my person. The person who understands you to the core. The person that you can be yourself without shame or guilt. The person that your heart beats from no matter how much it hurts when they break it or damage it. The person that you picked in a room filled with people who you have loved in the past/future. He is that person. My ex deployed and was gone for six months. Three months into the deployment he stopped calling me, he stopped snapping me, he stopped talking to me. It felt like he shut down on me. I begged him to call me or anything. We went through a dark phase. Then he got back to the states and we were good for a while. He came to visit his mom for Christmas through new years. Our anniversary was the 30th of December. His mother lives 4 hours away from my parents house where I was staying while he was away. He didn’t bother to spend our anniversary together or even bother to say happy anniversary. Which killed me inside. On New Year’s Day I sent him a message that it seemed that he didn’t want me in his life anymore so I was setting him free. But on his way back to Texas he and I talked and we were going to make it work but 8 days later. He met a girl. He hide our marriage status, archived post that he made of me, and hid our pictures. Which made me think he did the same thing he did when I was away. I decided that I wasn’t going to stand for it so I asked him to file for divorce. He agreed. It was a little messy. I found pictures of him and this girl on a romantic date, he got dressed up in a suit, had a picture of her on his lap. So much which set me off and I became petty and tried to fuck him over with the army for it. This is where things get complicated. This week I had to go to separate our things because he had everything in a storage unit. When I got there we were polite to each other and we talked to each other. He explained to me that nothing happened with that girl. They went with a group but only made a reservation for two, she was awake for the picture of her hand on his lap, she was wearing the same clothes from that night in the morning cause she slept in them but she didn’t sleep at his apartment, and that she knew what was going on. Which I don’t know what to believe. I want to believe him and I kinda do believe him but I don’t know. I love him but everyone around me telling me to not believe him. I was a mess for months when things were going wrong between us. I didn’t want to lose him but I feel like I lost him. He said we can be friends. I want him in my life but I always want to be us again. I know in my heart that I can never really move on from him. I always want him in my life but I don’t know what to do or what to believe. My parents hate him because they believe he is a liar and will constantly hurt me but they say a tons of things that weren’t true. I just want an unbiased opinion from people who don’t know the shit I said while I was mad or sad. There’s a lot that happened this week with him but it’s been long story already I can explain more in the comments