(Originally posted to selfhosted)
Over the past few months, I've tested several self-hosted reverse proxy solutions for my local network and I decided to share my experience for anyone else in the market. Full disclosure: I'm not an advanced user, nor am I an authority on this subject whatsoever. I mainly use reverse proxies for accessing simple local services with SSL behind memorable URLs and haven't dipped my toes into anything more complex than integrating Authentik for SSO. I prefer file-based configuration, avoid complexity, and don't need advanced features; so this list certainly won't be valuable for everyone. Feel free to share your opinions; I'd love to hear what everyone else is using.
Here's my opinionated review of the reverse proxy solutions I've tried, ranked from most likely to recommend to newcomers to least likely:

1. Caddy: As easy as it could possibly get, and by far the most painless reverse proxy I've used. It's extremely lightweight, performant, and modular with plenty of extensions. Being able to configure my entire home network's reverse proxy hosts from a single, elegantly formatted Caddyfile is a godsend. Combined with the VS Code Server for easy configuration from a browser, I couldn't recommend a more painless solution for beginners who simply want to access their local services behind a TLD without browser warnings. Since I have my own FQDN through Cloudflare but don't have any public-facing services, I personally use the Cloudflare DNS provider Caddy addon to benefit from full SSL using just a single line of configuration. Though, if your setup is complex enough to require using the JSON config, or you rely heavily on Docker, you might also consider Traefik.
2. Traefik: Probably the most powerful and versatile option I've tried, with the necessary complexity and learning curve that entails. Can do everything Caddy can do, perhaps even better depending on who you ask. The Docker label configuration is fantastic, and I still use it on systems I haven't migrated away from Docker. I find the multiple approaches to configuration and the corresponding documentation hard to wrap my head around sometimes, but it always seems to pay off.
3. Zoraxy: Despite being relatively new, it's the best GUI-based reverse proxy solution I'm familiar with. I grew out of it quickly as it was missing very basic features like SSL via DNS challenges when I last tried it, but I'm still placing it high on the list solely for providing the only viable option for people with a phobia of config files that I currently know of. It also has a really sleek interface, although looks can be deceiving. YMMV.
4. NGINX: Old reliable. It's only this far down the list because I prefer Traefik over vanilla NGINX for more complex use cases these days and haven't used it for proxy purposes in recent memory. I have absolutely nothing bad to say about NGINX (besides finding the configuration a bit ugly) and I use it for public-facing services all the time. If you're already using NGINX, you probably have a good reason to, and this list will have zero value to you.
5. NGINX Proxy Manager: Unreliable. It's this far down the list because I'd prefer anything over NPM. Don't let its shiny user-friendly frontend fool you, as underneath lies a trove of deceit that will inevitably lead you down a rabbit hole of stale issues and nonexistent documentation. "I've been using NPM for months and have never had an issue with it." WRONG. By the time you've read this, half of your proxy hosts are offline, and the frontend login has inexplicably stopped working. Hyperbole aside, I recognize this may not be the case for everyone and if it works for you, good. For some reason I've never self-hosted anything as fragile and prone to sporadically breaking as NPM in its current state (which is especially unappealing for something you might be putting all of your self-hosted services behind. From what I can tell, development is primarily focused on a major overhaul (v3) rather than fixing current issues in v2. I'd recommend anything else until then, including nothing at all. Just my experience though, and I'm curious how common this sentiment is.

Honorable mentions:

• SWAG: Haven't used this one since I moved away from Docker, but I've seen it recommended a ton and it seems the linuxserver.io guys are held in pretty high regard. It's definitely worth a look if you use Docker or want an alternative Traefik.
• HAProxy: I didn't include it in the list because I was using the OPNsense addon and nearly went insane in the process. It might have just been the GUI, but it's the only reverse proxy solution I've used that made me actively feel like a moron. Definitely has its purpose, but I personally had no reason to keep putting myself through that.

(This was originally a comment, but I decided to make it a post to share with others.)
Over the past few months, I've tested several self-hosted reverse proxy solutions for my local network and I decided to share my experience for anyone else in the market. Full disclosure: I'm not an advanced user, nor am I an authority on this subject whatsoever. I mainly use reverse proxies for accessing simple local services with SSL behind memorable URLs and haven't dipped my toes into anything more complex than integrating Authentik for SSO. I prefer file-based configuration, avoid complexity, and don't need advanced features; so this list certainly won't be valuable for everyone. Feel free to share your opinions; I'd love to hear what everyone else is using.
Here's my opinionated review of the reverse proxy solutions I've tried, ranked from most likely to recommend to newcomers to least likely:

1. Caddy: As easy as it could possibly get, and by far the most painless reverse proxy I've used. It's extremely lightweight, performant, and modular with plenty of extensions. Being able to configure my entire home network's reverse proxy hosts from a single, elegantly formatted Caddyfile is a godsend. Combined with the VS Code Server for easy configuration from a browser, I couldn't recommend a more painless solution for beginners who simply want to access their local services behind a TLD without browser warnings. Since I have my own FQDN through Cloudflare but don't have any public-facing services, I personally use the Cloudflare DNS provider Caddy addon to benefit from full SSL using just a single line of configuration. Though, if your setup is complex enough to require using the JSON config, or you rely heavily on Docker, you might also consider Traefik.
2. Traefik: Probably the most powerful and versatile option I've tried, with the necessary complexity and learning curve that entails. Can do everything Caddy can do (perhaps even better depending on who you ask). I still use it on systems I haven't migrated away from Docker as the label system is fantastic. I find the multiple approaches to configuration and the corresponding documentation hard to wrap my head around sometimes, but it's still intuitive. Whether or not I'd recommend Traefik to "newcomers" depends entirely on what type of newcomer we're talking about: Someone already self-hosting a few services that knows the basics? Absolutely. My dad who just got a Synology for his birthday? There's probably better options.
3. Zoraxy: The best GUI-based reverse proxy solution I'm familiar with, despite being relatively new to the scene. I grew out of it quickly as it was missing very basic features like SSL via DNS challenges when I last tried it, but I'm still placing it high on the list solely for providing the only viable option for people with a phobia of config files that I currently know of. It also has a really sleek interface, although I can't say anything about long-term stability or performance. YMMV.
4. NGINX: Old reliable. It's only this far down the list because I prefer Traefik over vanilla NGINX for more complex use cases these days and haven't used it for proxy purposes in recent memory. I have absolutely nothing bad to say about NGINX (besides finding the configuration a bit ugly) and I use it for public-facing services all the time. If you're already using NGINX, you probably have a good reason to, and this list will have zero value to you.
5. NGINX Proxy Manager: Unreliable. It's this far down the list because I'd prefer anything over NPM. Don't let its shiny user-friendly frontend fool you, as underneath lies a trove of deceit that will inevitably lead you down a rabbit hole of stale issues and nonexistent documentation. "I've been using NPM for months and have never had an issue with it." WRONG. By the time you've read this, half of your proxy hosts are offline, and the frontend login has inexplicably stopped working. Hyperbole aside, I recognize this may not be the case for everyone and if it works for you, good. For some reason I've never self-hosted anything as fragile and prone to sporadically breaking as NPM in its current state (which is especially unappealing for something you might be putting all of your self-hosted services behind. From what I can tell, development is primarily focused on a major overhaul (v3) rather than fixing current issues in v2. I'd recommend anything else until then, including nothing at all. Just my experience though, and I'm curious how common this sentiment is.

Honorable mentions:

• SWAG: Haven't used this one since I moved away from Docker, but I've seen it recommended a ton and it seems the linuxserver.io guys are held in pretty high regard. It's definitely worth a look if you use Docker or want an alternative Traefik.
• HAProxy: I didn't include it in the list because I was using the OPNsense addon and nearly went insane in the process. It might have just been the GUI, but it's the only reverse proxy solution I've used that made me actively feel like a moron. Definitely has its purpose, but I personally had no reason to keep putting myself through that.

In the ever-expanding realm of online betting, HUGEWIN emerges as a formidable contender, promising not just excitement but a pathway to potentially hefty rewards. But before you dive into the frenzy of flashing lights and spinning reels, let’s take a moment to peel back the layers and see what truly lies beneath the surface of this crypto betting platform.
Provably Fair: One of HUGEWIN’s touted features is its utilization of blockchain technology to ensure fairness in its games. While this might sound like a fancy buzzword, it essentially means that every outcome is determined by an algorithm that can be scrutinized by players. In theory, this should instill a sense of trust, knowing that the odds are not unfairly stacked against you.
Security Measures: In an age where online security breaches are all too common, HUGEWIN prides itself on its robust security protocols. From encryption to smart contracts, they claim to have all bases covered to safeguard your personal and financial information. Yet, as with any online platform, the ultimate litmus test lies in time and experience.
The Reward System: Ah, the allure of rewards! HUGEWIN doesn’t hold back in this department, offering a tantalizing array of incentives to keep players engaged. Points, perks, and cash rewards are dangled like proverbial carrots, enticing players to keep spinning those reels in pursuit of elusive jackpots.
Game Variety: From the classic charm of slots to the sophistication of live dealer games, HUGEWIN boasts a diverse portfolio designed to cater to every taste. But amidst the flashy graphics and themed reels, one can’t help but wonder: is there substance beneath the surface, or is it all just smoke and mirrors?
Customer Support and Withdrawals: A responsive support team and swift withdrawals are the backbone of any reputable betting platform. HUGEWIN claims to excel in both departments, offering round-the-clock assistance and speedy transaction processing. Yet, as with any promise, the proof lies in the pudding.
Mobile Compatibility and Community Engagement: In a world where convenience is king, the ability to seamlessly transition from desktop to mobile is a coveted feature. HUGEWIN ensures that players can enjoy their gaming experience on the go, while also fostering a sense of community through forums and events.
Tokenomics: Last but not least, we come to the heart of the matter: the $HUGE token. As the native currency of the platform, it holds sway over everything from gameplay to governance. But as with any cryptocurrency, its value and utility are subject to the unpredictable currents of the market.
In conclusion, HUGEWIN presents itself as a promising contender in the realm of crypto betting, with its fair play ethos, diverse game selection, and enticing rewards. However, as with any venture into the world of online betting, it’s essential to tread cautiously, armed with skepticism and a healthy dose of scrutiny.
Visit HUGEWIN and embark on your own journey through the highs and lows of crypto betting. Just remember: the house always has the odds in its favor, so tread wisely.

TWINFLAMES #AWAKENING #KUNDALINI

Twin Flame Kundalini Activation: Signs of Kundalini Awakening
Spiritual Awakening can be a gentle process or sometimes it can be brought on intensely. More and more people are experiencing this awakening as we proceed through the cosmic energy that is literally activating our light bodies and our DNA. It can be a very confusing and even fear-filled process when we don’t understand what is happening. We are propelled into places both within and external that we have never before experienced. Many people have thought themselves going crazy or losing hold of reality and in a way that is true. This energy allows us to see the truth of the nature of our existence in human form. Veils are lifted and illumination takes place. They call this ‘Enlightenment”
Our kundalini energy lies dormant at the base of our spine, a slumbering snake in eternal sleep. It is said that our DNA was genetically altered at the time of our creation so that we would remain unaware of our own power as creators and to keep us imprisoned in this 3D construct. There is some in depth information on this and I will leave a link at the end for you to explore further. I just wanted to present a few of the signs and symptoms that indicate your kundalini has been activated.
In regards to twin flames, a part of the purpose of union is to activate the kundalini energy in each other for full union and expression of the third Divine energy the union creates. This activation is key as many of the twins have one twin at a slightly accelerated rate of vibration than the other. I believe this is why there is the separation phase once they find each other. They both need to readjust and assimilate this new energy activation and come to a place of balance and awareness individually. This activation forces them to do all the necessary shedding, clearing and healing of anything that no longer serves their shared purpose. Understanding what you are going through can make the journey a little less confusing and uncomfortable.
It helps to know that all the crazy things you are going through are actually Divinely intended at this time and will bring you into alignment for your ascension.
Some symptoms in no particular order:
Seeing/Feeling Energy: seeing orbs of light within peripheral vision…prickly or tingling sensations…a pulsing, tremor or vibrating sensation, tracers, after images among objects or people…unexplained warmth in the hands or feet…seeing colors of frequency. Emotional Upheaval: You will experience the extreme polarity of emotions moving from euphoria to depression as if your emotions are completely out of your control. This is the result of your hormones changing through your endocrine system. Identity Crisis: An isolation builds where you can no longer understand yourself, who you are, what is your path or reality itself. It is the essence of dissociation. There becomes a deep fear that you cannot deal with material reality as everyone around you is still in illusion. This is where the ego starts losing it’s bearings over your consciousness. The Urge to Create: You want to explore things creatively, cooking, music, art, poetry, writing etc. One instance of awakening is you are becoming more in tune with your subconscious and releasing the mind into the imagination. We create our reality with the power of our thoughts. This is the Universe giving us a sign to start creating literally and figuratively.
Increase in Psychic Abilities: When we awaken our senses, they not only become sharper but your intuition is guiding you more than you ever thought possible. You start to listen to your gut instinct…synchronicity and patterns become too strong to ignore…you start predicting events before they happen…knowing things before you you even knew them…precognitive dreaming.
In Tune with Celestial Events: When our consciousness changes we become more in tune with frequency and in turn the frequency of the earth. When we are aware we start to notice the subtle patterns especially during the moon phases and astrological alignments. Since everything is connected through the ripple effect, we are effected in magnitude during these events. Past Life Memories: Our long term memory is returning. These are deep suppressed memories within our soul blueprint and encoded in our DNA. We are seeing glimpses of who we were within various lifetimes. Past life memories for some occur in flashbacks, visions, daydreams or glimpse into the past. It is a memory so vivid and real that it brings confusion because you know it is not from this current time line.
Flashes into Other Realities: The feeling as if you are living in multiple realities at once or parallel lives. Time is more fluid as past, present and future merge as one. You will feel as if straddled between worlds or moving into different realities all together. It activates a very disoriented feeling of not being grounded because you are opening yourself to different timelines of perceived reality.
Seeing a Person’s True Form: It is like the concept of the mirror into seeing other’s reflections of their past lives through their own energy aura. As we become stronger, sometimes we can see loved ones or even strangers with a superimposed face enabling something from their past life or parallel life to come through to us. Anxiety/Panic Attacks: The flow of energy can be overwhelming as the ego loses it’s grip. This can cause your brain to move faster than the body enabling a concept called ‘black hole’ thinking. (please check out that link, it is important) Your perception is changing and with that comes a desire to fall into a cycle of past and future thinking enabling fear and loss.
No Low Vibes: There is an innate desire to surround yourself with ‘like minded’ people and healthy relationships. You simply cannot tolerate lower vibration environments, duality behavior or toxic unhealthy relationships any longer.Your body is longing to move away from the 3D dualistic concepts completely. You come into alignment with the higher energies of the new paradigm.
Rapid Synchronicity: Synchronicity begins increasing rapid;ly, certain number sequences begin to haunt you…11:11, 1212, 111, 333, 444, 555, 666, 777. You begin to experience increased deja-vu, dreams taking form or certain archetypal symbols appear in your life. The symbols work in a way that is similar to Jungian psychology. The symbols help awaken us.
Clarity of Communication: You feel more in tune listening to the silence. You are not going crazy, but you feel a desire to speak with this ‘inner voice’ or listen to the silence. Many experience meeting their spirit guides or having angelic communication this way. Channeling becomes innate and natural to us as we open ourselves up to being connected to the higher spiritual realms.
Time Dilation: The concept of how we view time changes completely. WE are operating from a a unified sense of past-present-future perception. The time is now. Your consciousness is striving for a present mindset. Time doesn’t feel like it has a structure anymore, it is very fluid. Left-brain Short Circuit: Consciousness is going through a rewiring of sorts, so everything our right hemisphere operates on will be heightened. This means our empathy, our spatial memory, psychic abilities and our ability to experience through vision will be magnified. Whereas the left hemisphere will tune down. Brain fog, memory lapses and no focus will be prevalent.
Feeling Disconnected: Your consciousness is wanting you to look within for answers. As your frequency shifts, your interests and relationships will change, you attract what you are. Old friendships and relationships will fall away for more soulful aligned relationships. We are releasing our karmic bonds from our soul family. Sometimes we must let go in order to grow and evolve. Looking Within: This could be a desire from out of the blue to mediate, talking to yourself or being more introspective with your thoughts rather than voicing your opinion all the time, hermit mode. You basically become more telepathic and in tune with your thought perceptions of the world around you. You are becoming an observer of your thoughts and feelings, a watcher between worlds.
Moments of Elation: Once you awaken you feel more at peace with yourself and your reality. This creates moments of bliss and euphoria. You are able to see beyond the illusions of separation and knowing that you are never alone. We are all connected and guided by the Universe within.

I can’t believe I’m writing this. But, I need some support.
I had to be unfortunate and come across a tweet in X about a trans man shooting a school, and when I read the comments and the article and the OP’s opinion, it really triggered my anxiety. The poster and commenters were talking about how SSRIS/testosterones causes people to kill, and I went into a rabbit hole because I got really scared. I wanted to find relief, but I ended up worse. I developed intrusive thoughts, and my panic attacks started to affect me a lot, there was a point that I ended up burning my skin, so those images and flashes would just stop (for some reason my brain convinced me that I was going to become one and hurt my family whom I love with all my heart.)
I also fainted, my body collapsed with all the stress. My brain ruminated and heart pounding was enough to sent me to the ER, as I suffered a syncope or whatever it is called. I spoke to the psychiatrist whom I have to change because he put me on Mexalozam (I used to take clonazepam, but the dr changed it to 0.5 of 1mg of mexalozam. I took 0.5 of clonazepam) and well for some reason that pill gave me depression and put me worst than I was, so I changed psychiatrist (the last one told me to trust the treatment, to not let my emotions control me, but I was feeling like a zombie and I was emotionally blunt and couldn’t feel and that scared me even more. I mentioned it to the dr but he just dismissed me.) i returned to the psychiatrist who stabilize me on 2021 (he returned back from another country) he put me back on clonazepam, 0.5 mg (based on the gene test he ordered me on 2021, I metabolize clonazepam faster while the rest I don’t. The SSNRi that I’m on is Cymbalta which he put me on and I haven’t stopped taking me has helped me a lot, no side effects.) And put me on TMS.
The treatment has helped me a lot, and I have been more motivated. Yet, I still have that feeling of impending doom, and now and then I feel like my heart constricts. I don’t know how to explain it. I no longer feel like I have intrusive thoughts, but I feel kind of panicky sometimes?
Can someone give me some advice while I wait for my next therapy session?
Any help?

My (19M) friend (19M) texted me 3 months ago to tell me that he could no longer speak to me because he is in a committed relationship and he was starting to develop a crush on me. In order to prioritise his boyfriend, whom he loves very much, he had to cut contact with me, for a non-specific amount of time. In his words, it is “dangerous” for us to speak.
This all starts when we were 16- 3 years ago. Something important to know: this did not start platonically. We were two 16 year old boys who had similar interests and who could sustain one another intellectually, and thence began a romantic long-distance summer fling. He is a classical musician and actually composed me some pieces. After a while, it died out because of the distance. We remained friends after the fact, but I most certainly did not forget him. He told me at 16 that I was one of those people you’re told your whole life that you’ll meet. Those words have stuck with me.
For the next two years that followed, contact remained spotty. Any conversation we had revolved around music (mostly), philosophy, life, anything. Usually long conversations, but very infrequent.
Then August 2023 rolls around. I’m 18 and I’m about to begin uni on the other side of the country. In a new city….. in his city. Yes, I moved to his city. Not on purpose. I post my arrival on my Instagram story, and he replies that we must get coffee together sometime soon. Basically, I was head over heels. I had a crush on this guy. He’s a local, so he ended up picking a pizza restaurant. I arrive first and I’m waiting in front of the restaurant, facing the window. All of a sudden, I see his reflection in the window; a guy wearing a violin case like a backpack. I turn around and he crosses the street to come give me a hug. This was our first meeting in person.
We spoke a while in the restaurant. Spoiler: He has had a boyfriend since March at this point (I HAD NO CLUE). At one point in our pizza-filled conversation, he mentions his boyfriend. However, in our language, the word he used can mean either boyfriend or friend. I really didn’t think he was in a relationship, so my delusional ass interpreted it in the platonic sense. After the restaurant, we walked to his music school, where we found a room. I sat on a chair and he took out his violin. He asked me to name any composer and he would play a piece from said composer. I neglected to mention that he is extremely talented. One in a million. If it isn’t obvious, I thought this was a date. It was not a date; not for him at least.
After said encounter, I felt quite disappointed that I didn’t get any romantic vibes from him (duh, it was not a date. He literally mentioned his boyfriend lol). I complained to my old roommate for days about this. My roommate, on some intoxicated bender, texts this guy and tells him that he needs to let me know if he has feelings for me or not. I was furious. My roommate guiltily confessed this to me the following morning. He told my roommate that he is not single and that he is not at all interested in me. He does say, however, that “we would have been the perfect match”; something that he probably shouldn’t have said but it is not something that I will contest. What my roommate did was a gross violation of my boundaries, of course I’m upset. However, in a way, it almost needed to happen. A few days later, I reply to his story about some other restaurant, and he says that his bf/friend (the word is ambiguous in our language) recommended it to him. I ask him if he has a boyfriend and he clears it up then and there. It was after this interaction that my crush dissipated. Knowing that he wasn’t interested in me really helped with me moving onto other guys.
Over the following months, we speak every now and then. When we spoke, the conversations would not end. The kind of conversations where you know that you have to go to bed, so you wished the other person goodnight, yet there you are talking about fucking Ligeti 50 minutes later. Anyways, while I was supposed to working on a philosophy assignment, I told him that I USED to have a crush on him, but I was firm on the fact that I no longer did. I told him the “date” story as a funny anecdote. He had no clue that I ever liked him like that at any point. The conversation got a little awkward, but he told me that he really loves his boyfriend, but that he “does not forget”. He tells me that we would have been a perfect match. Funny.
A little while after, he invites me to one of his concerts at the museum. There, I meet his mother and grandparents. Also, his boyfriend. The concert was great, and the three of us chat for a while afterwards. Unfortunately, he has to leave, but he suggests that I tour the museum with his boyfriend, so his boyfriend and I tour the museum together. Interesting experience. Something important to know: I don’t have the best impression of his boyfriend. Their relationship is (was???) an open relationship and it felt like this guy really had to convince him to join his polyamory, based on what he told me in their conversations. Also, they were apparently on a break at one point earlier in the year because my friend’s mental/physical health was really bad, so to me it seems as though his boyfriend abandoned him in his time of need because the relationship “got hard”, so I already don’t have the best impression of him based on what my friend has told me. Anyways, I honestly thought that his bf was flirting with me??? (I guess he is allowed to because it’s an open relationship, but still…).
Fast forward the following month: we were supposed to see a concert together but something bad happened so he couldn’t attend. I end up buying him a CD which I had signed because this is a very famous pianist who just happened to visit our city. For like 3 months, we didn’t see each other, but I reminded him regularly that I had a specially-signed CD to give him. He has classes next to my apartment sometimes, but we can’t seem to get our schedules to fit…. until the end of February.
He has this class thing where you can invite people to watch you play and get critiqued, which he invited me to! After watching him play, I greet him outside the room and one of his colleagues. Let’s call her F. We all chat a little and I give him his disk. Literally such a mundane interaction.
BUT THEN THREE DAYS LATER, he texts me that he is very sorry, but that we have to cut contact. He has been dishonest toward himself and toward his boyfriend, because he has a crush on me. He doesn’t WANT to have a crush on me. And look, I get it. His relationship is important and he is putting the guy he loves first. You can’t control how you feel about people, but you CAN control what you do about it. So I get it. Wouldn’t I do the same? I told him to promise me that he wouldn’t forget about me completely. I screamed “what the actual fuck” multiple times because I didn’t know how to process this. This is definitely not an event I expected to have in 2024… The only links we have in common are now: we have each other’s phone numbers, we are Facebook friends, and I am friends with F on Facebook because she also happens to be in my programme at uni. But we have not spoken. Not a single word between us since February 24th. I respect his decision, so I will not speak to him.
This guy occupied my mind rent-free. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Frustrating because when he told me that he wasn’t interested back in August, that was enough to help me move on. And all of a sudden, my mind can’t let go of the fact that this guy has a crush on me. This guy, whom my type is kind of based on honestly. Middle of March rolls by, and I meet F (his colleague) again at an event hosted by our programme. We all got drunk, especially me 🤦🏻‍♂️. And of course, being drunk, you have a tendency to bring down your inhibitions. We’re on the bus and she asks me how I know the friend. I tell her it’s a long story, but that I can’t speak to him anymore. I say that “he’s soooo dramatic”. She asks me to explain further, but I tell her that I can’t.
The next day, I felt like an idiot!!! Wow. I almost told her what happened. I don’t need that spreading around his school. I saw a uni therapist at the beginning of April, which didn’t really help much. Every time I took the bus, I would check to see if he too was on the bus. Never was.
BUT THEN, I met someone new. We’ll call him T. T has been successful in getting my mind off of the friend. It’s quite recent, but we’re seeing each other and it’s moving along smoothly. Beginning of May, I barely think about the friend anymore. I have a new guy in my thoughts and I’m very happy about it. So T and I go to see a concert together. Guess who just had to be doing a pre-concert in the waiting hall. The violinist friend. T and I are walking up the stairs and all of a sudden the violinist and I made eye-contact and I basically just had a hot flash. I had not seen this guy since February… And I seriously had to make eye-contact with him while I’m on a date with T???
I feel like my progress is ruined. Ever since I saw him at the concert hall, he is on my mind again. I keep checking his Facebook. I can’t listen to my favourite music without thinking about him. But I refuse to give up the music that feeds my soul just because he likes the same stuff. I feel awful toward T, because I have another guy in my thoughts.
All I know is that this person is special. I have known this for years and he is not someone I could accept never having in my life again. He has never forsaken me. I have a deep desire to share my life with him and to be apart of his, and I am perfectly okay with it being platonic. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to live my life without it being a soap opera.
TL;DR: An old friend that I had a crush on, but no longer had a crush on once I found out that he was in a relationship and was not interested in me, ended up having a crush on me and has had to cut contact with me in order to not be dishonest toward his boyfriend. I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s driving me mad.

Hi
I have successfully flashed ESPHome on a Sonoff M5 1CH. I am trying to figure out how to enable/disable the LEDs based on the switch state. So off state should turn on the red LED and turn the blue LED off, On state would reverse this.
With the base config I can control the state of the LEDs via Home Assistant, but they do not change based on the switch state. My current config:

switch: - platform: gpio id: relay_1 name: "Button" pin: 23 output: - platform: ledc pin: 18 frequency: 1000 Hz id: pwm_output light: - platform: monochromatic output: pwm_output name: "LEDs" - platform: status_led name: "Switch State" pin: number: 5 inverted: true binary_sensor: - platform: gpio id: button pin: number: 0 mode: INPUT_PULLUP on_press: - switch.toggle: relay_1 

My (19M) friend (19M) texted me 3 months ago to tell me that he could no longer speak to me because he is in a committed relationship and he was starting to develop a crush on me. In order to prioritise his boyfriend, whom he loves very much, he had to cut contact with me, for a non-specific amount of time. In his words, it is “dangerous” for us to speak.
This all starts when we were 16- 3 years ago. Something important to know: this did not start platonically. We were two 16 year old boys who had similar interests and who could sustain one another intellectually, and thence began a romantic long-distance summer fling. He is a classical musician and actually composed me some pieces. After a while, it died out because of the distance. We remained friends after the fact, but I most certainly did not forget him. He told me at 16 that I was one of those people you’re told your whole life that you’ll meet. Those words have stuck with me.
For the next two years that followed, contact remained spotty. Any conversation we had revolved around music (mostly), philosophy, life, anything. Usually long conversations, but very infrequent.
Then August 2023 rolls around. I’m 18 and I’m about to begin uni on the other side of the country. In a new city….. in his city. Yes, I moved to his city. Not on purpose. I post my arrival on my Instagram story, and he replies that we must get coffee together sometime soon. Basically, I was head over heels. I had a crush on this guy. He’s a local, so he ended up picking a pizza restaurant. I arrive first and I’m waiting in front of the restaurant, facing the window. All of a sudden, I see his reflection in the window; a guy wearing a violin case like a backpack. I turn around and he crosses the street to come give me a hug. This was our first meeting in person.
We spoke a while in the restaurant. Spoiler: He has had a boyfriend since March at this point (I HAD NO CLUE). At one point in our pizza-filled conversation, he mentions his boyfriend. However, in our language, the word he used can mean either boyfriend or friend. I really didn’t think he was in a relationship, so my delusional ass interpreted it in the platonic sense. After the restaurant, we walked to his music school, where we found a room. I sat on a chair and he took out his violin. He asked me to name any composer and he would play a piece from said composer. I neglected to mention that he is extremely talented. One in a million. If it isn’t obvious, I thought this was a date. It was not a date; not for him at least.
After said encounter, I felt quite disappointed that I didn’t get any romantic vibes from him (duh, it was not a date. He literally mentioned his boyfriend lol). I complained to my old roommate for days about this. My roommate, on some intoxicated bender, texts this guy and tells him that he needs to let me know if he has feelings for me or not. I was furious. My roommate guiltily confessed this to me the following morning. He told my roommate that he is not single and that he is not at all interested in me. He does say, however, that “we would have been the perfect match”; something that he probably shouldn’t have said but it is not something that I will contest. What my roommate did was a gross violation of my boundaries, of course I’m upset. However, in a way, it almost needed to happen. A few days later, I reply to his story about some other restaurant, and he says that his bf/friend (the word is ambiguous in our language) recommended it to him. I ask him if he has a boyfriend and he clears it up then and there. It was after this interaction that my crush dissipated. Knowing that he wasn’t interested in me really helped with me moving onto other guys.
Over the following months, we speak every now and then. When we spoke, the conversations would not end. The kind of conversations where you know that you have to go to bed, so you wished the other person goodnight, yet there you are talking about fucking Ligeti 50 minutes later. Anyways, while I was supposed to working on a philosophy assignment, I told him that I USED to have a crush on him, but I was firm on the fact that I no longer did. I told him the “date” story as a funny anecdote. He had no clue that I ever liked him like that at any point. The conversation got a little awkward, but he told me that he really loves his boyfriend, but that he “does not forget”. He tells me that we would have been a perfect match. Funny.
A little while after, he invites me to one of his concerts at the museum. There, I meet his mother and grandparents. Also, his boyfriend. The concert was great, and the three of us chat for a while afterwards. Unfortunately, he has to leave, but he suggests that I tour the museum with his boyfriend, so his boyfriend and I tour the museum together. Interesting experience. Something important to know: I don’t have the best impression of his boyfriend. Their relationship is (was???) an open relationship and it felt like this guy really had to convince him to join his polyamory, based on what he told me in their conversations. Also, they were apparently on a break at one point earlier in the year because my friend’s mental/physical health was really bad, so to me it seems as though his boyfriend abandoned him in his time of need because the relationship “got hard”, so I already don’t have the best impression of him based on what my friend has told me. Anyways, I honestly thought that his bf was flirting with me??? (I guess he is allowed to because it’s an open relationship, but still…).
Fast forward the following month: we were supposed to see a concert together but something bad happened so he couldn’t attend. I end up buying him a CD which I had signed because this is a very famous pianist who just happened to visit our city. For like 3 months, we didn’t see each other, but I reminded him regularly that I had a specially-signed CD to give him. He has classes next to my apartment sometimes, but we can’t seem to get our schedules to fit…. until the end of February.
He has this class thing where you can invite people to watch you play and get critiqued, which he invited me to! After watching him play, I greet him outside the room and one of his colleagues. Let’s call her F. We all chat a little and I give him his disk. Literally such a mundane interaction.
BUT THEN THREE DAYS LATER, he texts me that he is very sorry, but that we have to cut contact. He has been dishonest toward himself and toward his boyfriend, because he has a crush on me. He doesn’t WANT to have a crush on me. And look, I get it. His relationship is important and he is putting the guy he loves first. You can’t control how you feel about people, but you CAN control what you do about it. So I get it. Wouldn’t I do the same? I told him to promise me that he wouldn’t forget about me completely. I screamed “what the actual fuck” multiple times because I didn’t know how to process this. This is definitely not an event I expected to have in 2024… The only links we have in common are now: we have each other’s phone numbers, we are Facebook friends, and I am friends with F on Facebook because she also happens to be in my programme at uni. But we have not spoken. Not a single word between us since February 24th. I respect his decision, so I will not speak to him.
This guy occupied my mind rent-free. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Frustrating because when he told me that he wasn’t interested back in August, that was enough to help me move on. And all of a sudden, my mind can’t let go of the fact that this guy has a crush on me. This guy, whom my type is kind of based on honestly. Middle of March rolls by, and I meet F (his colleague) again at an event hosted by our programme. We all got drunk, especially me 🤦🏻‍♂️. And of course, being drunk, you have a tendency to bring down your inhibitions. We’re on the bus and she asks me how I know the friend. I tell her it’s a long story, but that I can’t speak to him anymore. I say that “he’s soooo dramatic”. She asks me to explain further, but I tell her that I can’t.
The next day, I felt like an idiot!!! Wow. I almost told her what happened. I don’t need that spreading around his school. I saw a uni therapist at the beginning of April, which didn’t really help much. Every time I took the bus, I would check to see if he too was on the bus. Never was.
BUT THEN, I met someone new. We’ll call him T. T has been successful in getting my mind off of the friend. It’s quite recent, but we’re seeing each other and it’s moving along smoothly. Beginning of May, I barely think about the friend anymore. I have a new guy in my thoughts and I’m very happy about it. So T and I go to see a concert together. Guess who just had to be doing a pre-concert in the waiting hall. The violinist friend. T and I are walking up the stairs and all of a sudden the violinist and I made eye-contact and I basically just had a hot flash. I had not seen this guy since February… And I seriously had to make eye-contact with him while I’m on a date with T???
I feel like my progress is ruined. Ever since I saw him at the concert hall, he is on my mind again. I keep checking his Facebook. I can’t listen to my favourite music without thinking about him. But I refuse to give up the music that feeds my soul just because he likes the same stuff. I feel awful toward T, because I have another guy in my thoughts.
All I know is that this person is special. I have known this for years and he is not someone I could accept never having in my life again. He has never forsaken me. I have a deep desire to share my life with him and to be apart of his, and I am perfectly okay with it being platonic. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to live my life without it being a soap opera.

Pump. fun , a token launch platform on the Solana blockchain, has become the latest victim of a flash loan exploit. The platform, which facilitates the launch of memecoins, reported that an attacker used flash loans to acquire a large amount of SOL, Solana’s native token.
This enabled the attacker to manipulate the bonding curves associated with Pump . fun memecoins, draining approximately $2 million from the platform. The incident has raised concerns about the security measures of DeFi protocols on Solana, especially those involved in the burgeoning memecoin sector.
The exploit was first detected when anomalous activities involving large SOL transactions aimed at buying out memecoin bonding curves were noticed. Pump.fun acknowledged the breach and informed its community via the social media platform X, stating, “The Pump.fun bonding curve contracts have been compromised, and we are investigating the matter.”
https://blockchainreporter.net/flash-loan-fury-how-a-solana-based-platform-lost-2m-in-a-stunning-crypto-exploit/

The thunder shook the house as the rain pelted the windows. Mike awoke to the wind howling wondering how much longer the storm would last. He had come out to the cabin, only a couple hours from the city expecting to spend a quiet weekend away from the city life. Unknowing to him that a storm was on the way. He rolled over and looked at the clock, the green display reads midnight. He closed his eyes and tried to fall back asleep when suddenly he heard a pounding on the door. He sat up and heard it again. “Who could be at my door and in this storm”, he thought. He got up and slowly approach the door hearing the pounding again. Opening the door a crack he sees a small figure standing a few feet away. Nothing but darkness in the background as the lightning flashes illuminated the figure. “Hello? Can I help you?” He asks. “Hi, I’m sorry to bother you but my car broke down. I tried to call a tow truck but I have no service.” the woman says. He stepped back and opened the door. “Please, come in.” As she walks through the door, he notices her clothes are soaked from the rain. “How far did you walk?” He asks. “I’m not sure, a couple miles it felt like”, she replies sounding exhausted. He leaves for a few moments and returns handing you a towel. “Can I get you a drink?”, “Please” she says, as he walks into the kitchen to fetch a glass of water. He returns, handing her the glass. “Thank you, my name is Liz by the way.” “Nice to meet you Liz, my name is Mike. You are welcome to use my phone if you would like.” She smiles, as she walks over to the table and picks up the phone. Mike sits down on the couch turning on the tv. A few moments later Liz returns, “Ugh”. “Bad news?” He asks. “They said no one will come out in this storm till it passes. What am I going to do?”. Just then a deafening rumble of thunder shook the house as the rain started coming down harder. “I don’t think this storm is letting up any time soon, you are more than welcome to wait it out till morning and try calling them back.” Mike offered. “Really? I don’t want to be a bother.” “No, I insist, it’s no bother at all”. Liz smiled, “Thank you, really.”
Shivering, Liz sets her glass down on the table. “I hate to ask, but would you mind if I use the bathroom. Maybe get a hot shower, I am freezing and my clothes are soaked.” “Not at all.” Mike says, standing up. He points down the hallway, “The bathrooms on the left, if you would like I can toss your clothes in the dryer for you too.” Liz smiles. “Thank you so much! I’ll leave them outside the door.” Liz turns and walks down the hallway, finding the bathroom and walking inside. Standing at the sink she takes a deep breath. Seeing herself in the mirror thinking “I look a wreck”. At 5’ 3”, she was considered average. Shoulder length brown hair and eyes that changed colors based on her mood, or so it seemed. With her athletic build and toned legs, she still felt her body ache from the miles she just walked. Slowly she stripped off her wet clothes, leaving them in a pile just outside the bathroom door. Sliding open the glass door to the shower she stepped inside, turning the shower on as she felt the hot water rain down over her body. Sitting on the couch Mike hears the shower turn on. Getting up he walks down the hallway finding the wet pile of clothes at the bathroom door. As he approaches, he notices the door open a couple inches. The light from inside escaping through the crack. He leans down to pick up the clothes and pauses. The bathroom is filled with steam from the hot water. The faint outline of a woman’s body behind the fogged-up glass door. He freezes. Quietly Liz begins to hum, eyes closed as she washes her hair under the hot water. Her hands begin moving across her body as she washes the sweat and dirt off her. Mike kneels frozen just on the other side of the door, knowing he shouldn’t be looking but his legs unwilling to move. In the shower, Liz’s hands drift along her skin. Caressing her breasts for a moment as she smiles to herself, she’s always been happy with how full they were. Perky and just large enough to fill a grown man’s hand. Her hands explore lower, as she washes her stomach and then her legs. She sighs, starting to feel better now that she is warm and clean. As she turns the water off, Mike snaps out of his frozen state. Gathering up the clothes and rushing down the hall to put them in the dryer. Quickly returning to the kitchen as he retrieves a beer from the fridge and sits back down on the couch flipping through the stations. Stepping out of the shower Liz dries off finding a robe hanging on the back of the bathroom door, she drapes it around her body.
“Thank you so much, I feel much better”, she says, as she walks into the living room. Mike jumps slightly, startled by her voice then smiles. “You’re welcome, your clothes are in the dryer,” as he notices the robe she had on. Liz walks over and sits down on the couch, slowly crossing one leg over the other. “This robe will do for now,” she says with a smile. Mike gets up and walks into the kitchen, “Would you like a drink?”. “Sure” Liz says, “Whatever you are drinking.” As Mike returns, he can’t help but notice Liz’s toned legs, the robe resting mid-thigh. He hands Liz a beer as she smiles and lets out a small laugh. “What is so funny?”, he asks. She looks down at him while raising an eyebrow. “Is something the matter?” He scrunches his eyebrows wondering what she meant, as he looked down. He gasps, realizing a small bulge had formed in his pants, a likely result of the unexpected show he witnessed not long ago. He turned away quickly, “I’m sorry” he says. She laughed, “its ok, I expected it.” Mike turns his head back towards her, “You expected it?” “Yes, I mean, after watching me shower I would be upset if you didn’t have one. Mikes eyes grow big, shocked and embarrassed that she knew he was watching her. “I, didn’t mean to, the door was just cracked open and I was getting your clothes…” he stumbles trying to explain himself. She smiles as she stands up, “Did you like what you saw?” He takes a big gulp as he nods. She slowly undoes the tie holding the robe together, letting the robe fall off her body and onto the floor. “Is this what you wanted to see?” His heart begins beating faster, her naked body on full display in front of him. She slowly reaches out as she takes his hand in hers, bringing it up to her chest as it cups her breast. His breathing increases as he feels her nipple harden against the palm of his hand as he instinctively begins to squeeze her breast. She lets out a quiet moan as she smiled at him. Reaching forward she rests her hand on the now large bulge in his pants. He jumps slightly as he feels the pressure of her hand against it. “Oh my, we seem to have a problem here.” She says, as she slowly begins to unbutton his pants, pulling the zipper down ever so slowly. He sighs as he feels the cool air rush into his pants as she unzips them. Her hand reaching inside as she releases his manhood. A smile forms on her face as it enters her view. Fully erect as his blood pumps through it. She slowly wraps her fingers around it stroking its full length as she devilishly licks her lips. Mike slowly closes his eyes as he feels her fingers around him, letting out a slight moan. “Are you enjoying that?” she asks, as she continues to stroke his shaft. “Yes” he says, his breathing increasing. Biting her lip, she steps back, leading him to the couch and directing him to sit down. As he sits down, she kneels in front of him. His cock aiming towards the ceiling in front of her as she wraps her fingers around it again. She strokes it a few times before bringing her lips close. Slowly she runs the tip of her tongue from the base of the shaft up to the head feeling it pulse against her tongue. He moans at the feeling of her tongue, as she slowly wraps her lips around the head, sucking gently. “Ugh, yes” he moans, looking down at her. Removing her hand from his shaft she engulfs his entire cock as he feels it enter her throat for the first time. She bobs her head up and down faster as she hears the moans escape his lips. Pausing for a moment, his cock between her lips, she twirls her tongue around the head feeling his hips lifting up slightly under neither her. She moans to herself sending vibrations down his shaft. Slowly he moves a hand to the back of her head, resting it with his fingers intertwined in her hair. She raises her head sucking on the tip for a moment, before removing it from her mouth. Replacing her mouth with her hand again as she strokes his now wet cock. Smiling up at him as she watches some precum run down his shaft she sticks her tongue out to catch it. Moaning again, he ushers her head back down, as she opens her mouth taking his cock between her lips. Bobbing her head faster now, her tongue swirling around his swollen head each time her head comes up. He grips her hair in his fist, the pressure inside him building. She feels his cock pulsing against her tongue and lips as she takes his shaft deeper, wanting to taste his juice. He lets out a groan at the same time she feels him erupt. She lowers her head his cock deep in her throat as she feels the first stream of thick cum fill her stomach. She continues bobbing her head tightening her lips around his cock as she milks him dry, hungerly swallowing each stream he pumps into her awaiting throat. His head falls back against the couch with a loud sigh, his hand collapsing along the side of him. She releases his semi hard cock. Slowly licking around the head making sure not to miss a drop before looking up and smiling at him while licking her lips. Exhausted he drifts off to sleep.

The ~North American optical interconnect market~ is estimated to grow at a CAGR of around 11.5% during the forecast period. North American Optical Interconnect Market report provides us with a complete outlook on thorough assessment of thorough data about vital feature of the global industry related to market size, revenue, development and market sales. This study report captures regulatory concerns and entry barriers that greatly affect the market growth. This report emphasizes on how industries get benefit from strategies offered here and achieve ample revenue other than also flashes light on constraints which can become great obstruction. It further helps to predict revenue increasing opportunities available in the marketplace. In addition, it then goes on to talk about volume trends, values and historical pricing structure. This North American Optical Interconnect Market study report also helps to predict growth and opportunities in the market. Furthermore, it also guides on how to increase product demand, growth rate and gain huge profits through changing consumption technologies.
Get Free Sample link @ https://www.omrglobal.com/request-sample/north-american-optical-interconnect-market
The companies which are contributing to the growth of the North American optical interconnect market include II-VI Inc., Broadcom Inc., Intel Corp., NVIDIA Corp., Corning Inc., Infinera Corp., and others. Product launch, merger, and acquisition, collaborations with government, and technological advancements through which market players are considerably contributing to the market growth to stay competitive in the market.
full report of North American Optical Interconnect Market available @ https://www.omrglobal.com/industry-reports/north-american-optical-interconnect-market
· Market Coverage
· Market number available for – 2024-2031
· Base year- 2024
· Forecast period- 2024-2031
· Segment Covered- By Source, By Product Type, By Applications
· Competitive Landscape- Archer Daniels Midland Co., Ingredion Inc., Kerry Group Plc, Cargill
· Inc., and others
North American Optical Interconnect Market – Segmentation
By Product Type

• Connectors
• Cable Assemblies
• Optical Transceivers
• Silicon Photonics
• Other( Optical Engines)

By Application

• Data Communication
• Telecommunication

North American Optical Interconnect Market – Segmentation by Region

• United States
• Canada

The Report Covers

• Comprehensive research methodology of the North American optical interconnect market.
• This report also includes a detailed and extensive market overview with key analyst insights.
• An exhaustive analysis of macro and micro factors influencing the market guided by key recommendations.
• Analysis of regional regulations and other government policies impacting the North American optical interconnect market.
• Insights about market determinants which are stimulating the North American optical interconnect market.
• Detailed and extensive market segments with regional distribution of forecasted revenues.
• Extensive profiles and recent developments of market players.

For More Customized Data, Request for Report Customization @ https://www.omrglobal.com/report-customization/north-american-optical-interconnect-market
About Orion Market Research Orion Market Research (OMR) is a market research and consulting company known for its crisp and concise reports. The company is equipped with an experienced team of analysts and consultants. OMR offers quality syndicated research reports, customized research reports, consulting and other research-based services. The company also offer Digital Marketing services through its subsidiary OMR Digital and Software development and Consulting Services through another subsidiary Encanto Technologies.
Media Contact:
Company Name: Orion Market Research
Contact Person: Mr. Anurag Tiwari
Email: [info@omrglobal.com](mailto:info@omrglobal.com)
Contact no: +91 780-304-0404

Nginx exposes peanuts in the name of metrics 4 only...? i want server_name based metrics? is anyone doing that?
I've a reverse proxy setup and i plan on hosting 10's of website through it with different subdomains?I wanted metrics based on subdomains?traffic latency and other stuff.
Here is the link of the repo can someone give any ideas? Github

First Previous Wiki
A group of Sprilnav had entered the room, dragged claws bearing paint across Kashaunta and Penny's faces, and left again. Another group of Sprilnav, this time Elders, had entered the room, leading to a hologram forming around Penny and Kashaunta to hide their faces behind perfect masks.
They carried a long black box on their shoulders. Kashaunta approached their kneeling forms, unlatching the box with her claws. Special sounds chimed from electronic locks, and the box flipped open, revealing a new Soul Blade. It was Azeri's Soul Blade, or the one he'd once owned at least. Given the new information Penny had on them, the sword wasn't truly 'his' in a literal sense.
They had then moved to a more central room on the flagship, complete with a massive kitchen, bedroom, and entertainment room. Kashaunta's quarters were lavish, though they were not as flush with finery and gold as Penny would have expected.
Penny wore Kashaunta's Soul Blade on her hip. The ancient weapon didn't seem to have the mind-altering effects the last one did. But it was beyond powerful, for sure. It also came with a stealth coating that could be activated to hide its presence.
Azeri's Soul Blade, on the other hand, definitely affected her.
Penny could hear the faint sounds of distant voices echoing in her thoughts. She could sense Cardi and Nilnacrawla in her mind more clearly as if she'd finally put on a set of glasses after not having them her entire life. So many things were clearer now, but so many weren't. Kashaunta had made a sacred agreement with her, at least in Sprilnav culture.
Backed by the Progenitors. All of them, apparently. And they were all sworn to silence, which Nilnacrawla and Kashaunta assured her would also include Twilight and Nova. She could understand that, but Nova's actions toward Penny in the past made her wary of relying on him for anything related to her safety.
And it was before the Judgment, now in nine days. Kashaunta's VIs had gathered the data, ordered it, and formulated responses. She'd designed them to sound like real people and real things that would be said, not just decent scripts with odd lexicon and grammatical habits.
"So," Penny said, looking at Kashaunta relaxing beside her. The Elder's carefree stance didn't fool Penny as to what had just happened. It had looked rushed, but she knew there was a larger purpose behind it than she believed. "The Pact. Were you truly this desperate to regain my trust?"
"I was," Kashaunta admitted. "And am. I have a tendency to manipulate people around me. This has made me good at being able to tell when a relationship is falling apart. Were I not to do something this extreme, we would have continued to fall apart, and eventually the rift would have been too large for even this to bridge.
I do not expect forgiveness or for you to understand my viewpoint and ideas. I have destroyed nations and entire civilizations. I have spent my fair share of time in evil, and use the threat of who I was and who I am against those who slight me. Reputation is important among our species, more so than anything but power. But they are linked.
A reputation of weakness will never exist with a person of strength. If it develops, the Elders will pile onto that unfortunate soul to plunder the riches they believe can no longer be protected. And once you fall, it is impossible to rise again. We do need each other, Penny. Perhaps you do not agree, yet, but this goes beyond the Judgment."
Penny wanted to argue. She wanted to listen to the voices demanding her hatred of the Elder before her- wait, what?
Penny frowned. She focused on them, and they appeared. A cacophony of voices, all Sprilnav in origin. They were definitely here and worryingly a part of her psychic energy. It almost seemed like they were the voices of those she'd freed. Which wouldn't make sense unless... her title was actually bearing conceptual power.
She supposed that it was possible then.
"Kashaunta," Penny said.
"Yes?"
"Why do you have faith in me, when, as you say, so many others have failed?"
"Because you possess Cardinality. You possess Humanity. You even have a Progenitor Title, though it is only a budding one. Your approach to this, besides a few mistakes on our part, is remarkably sound. You have moved away from hatred of the Sprilnav to that of Elders. And you have moved away from hatred of Elders and Progenitors to that of certain Elders and Progenitors, which I understand.
Ultimately, you have me convinced that you do not want to carry out a war of vengeance against me and my kin for the actions we did before your species had a name. I know it is difficult to overcome hatred, and more so with a voice in your head telling you to distrust all we Elders say and do. And I believe you can convince the Alliance to restrict its war to methods that are not as destructive."
Penny thought it was odd how much Kashaunta was stressing it. Either the Alliance wasn't considered a threat to the Sprilnav or it was. Kashaunta seemed to suggest it was, perhaps, to flatter Penny somehow. She didn't exactly buy it but would let it play out.
It would be important for Penny to learn more about the Elder's viewpoint before the Judgment to exploit it among other Elders to help win the Judgment. She'd have to portray herself and the Alliance as weak, which meant learning more about Sprilnav technology and power. The briefings from the last meetings before the previous Judgment had been enlightening on that front. But Penny wanted the best shot she could have on this.
"Such as?"
"Culture war."
"That has a certain meaning among my species," Penny said. "I am not sure if it translates correctly."
"I want your Alliance to begin to turn the population against slavery. Just that. Go no further. If you do that, the Elders will fight back. This will escalate, and the list of grievances will grow. We will have rebellions, and they can win with my help."
"And what comes next?"
"I take power, of course. I do not purge the Sprilnav who rose to the top, but reward them. I bind them by respect and loyalty instead of fear and hatred. Objectively, it will be better to have a single unified state than a disparate mess of warring territories. Quality of life, quality of death, and everything in between. We can go further, if you like.
Turning the Collective into literal heaven for those who die, where they can return to real bodies as often as they want for free. I can extend this to other species and, over thousands of years, wear away the animosity between the Sprilnav and the rest of the galaxy. I distribute gifts, I lower taxes, and use android labor to replace slavery entirely. Would you not agree that this is better?"
"I am not sure. How would you maintain the state, when threats come from within and without?"
"Limits on power, separation of branches of government. Police forces, military forces. We have police trained to de-escalate situations, even when they are armed with riot shields or actual guns. There will obviously be some requirement for state violence, but I will lower it as far as possible."
"There will be those who wish to be independent."
"And they can be."
"You are not concerned about that?" Penny asked.
"With even just the Autonomous Peoples' Stars, independence is risky. Dangerous. People do not start those movements because if they succeed, they get invaded by a border power. Earth has seen that happen in its history, particularly with Europe and Asia. Luna would have seen it as well by now, if not for the First Contact. The problem is the power disparity. Going from the passive backing of 500 thousand planets and a central militarized state to that of maybe 4 or 5 planets with disjointed connections and only garrison supplies is a massive drop."
"But with your plan, there would be no border powers."
"There would be, of course," Kashaunta said. "There must be. Nations without a significant outside threat, that is at least somewhat credible, have a more difficult time staying united. Without a 'them' it is more difficult to define an 'us,' as we know very well."
"That is quite a cold way of looking at reality."
"Those who do otherwise are smears of gore amongst the black of space, or rotting in the ground of their home planets. Elders do not remain Elders by stupidity alone. Eventually, a few lessons must be learned."
"Must?"
"Must, even if they are later forgotten."
Kashaunta let out a sigh. "You and I, Penny. We are vastly different people. I admire your idealism, and I envy it. But when it comes to control of societies and curation of national identities, I have a vast array of experience."
"You do," Penny agreed. "The Pact says we should not lie to each other, so I will no longer dance around my reasons for my misgivings. I do not trust you because you are everything that has ruined the fortunes of my species in the past, often promising things like you do. Security before freedom, usually. You are rich. You are very far above most Sprilnav and even most Elders. You are a politician and a state leader. History tells me to be wary of such people, especially when they possess high amounts of power. Authoritarian countries can, with proper management, outpace those which are not by refusing to limit themselves by morals and ethics.
You are a queen, a monarch. This title goes back to the days of barbarity among our kind, when we believed people were superior based on bloodlines and genetics, sometimes to the extreme of actual inbreeding. You are highly experienced with manipulation, having billions of years of experience. I likely would not know whether you are manipulating me, and even Nilnacrawla has billions of years less experience with Elders than you would on account of his separation from Sprilnav society for so long.
I have no other trustworthy sources for what you say and do. I am surrounded only by enemies, neutral people, and you and Lecalicus alone as actual allies. Truth be told, there is nothing that will stop you from going back on all that you say because people like you have made promises not to before. And they did it anyway.
Companies. Nations. People. With a galaxy full of sentient minds all seemingly built on the same energy and manners of thinking, I see just another politician trying to get in good with me because I can get her what she wants. I fear that, Kashaunta. I fear it a lot. More than I have ever said and ever shown. It is a fear so visceral it colors my view of your entire species.
Because if you've lived a billion years, who's to say you haven't done this all before? How many aliens you've offered this honor, only to cast aside when they die fighting impossible enemies? And yes, my fear of you is that you will betray me. That is a deep-seated and personal matter that I will not explore at this time, but betrayal is something I guard against with all my might.
I hate that you have so much power over me, that I know it, and that you know it. You could enslave me for the next ten days, and I'd do it, to save my species. The Judgment trial is another way of showing the powerlessness of the galaxy before the Sprilnav, the powerlessness of the Alliance before the Sprilnav, and me before you, Justicar, and Yasihaut. Because guess what? I can win this. It will be hard, but I can do it because I set my mind to it, and my mind is my will, and my will is my iron fortress, my gauntleted fist, and my beating heart.
I can, I will, I must. But through all of this, guess what happens if I win the Judgment? Yasihaut files another one. I am strong, Kashaunta. Stronger than any human in history. But even now, inside your sanctum, inside the greatest ship I have ever seen, I remain powerless against the might of your people and your laws. I hear you talk of millennia and galaxies and think of how much I have struggled over the mere ten thousand star systems of the Alliance and this single planet's slave problem. There's billions more.
I have fought against odds beyond comprehension, but even now, I have to break bread with my enemy so that I can continue to survive in the system they built. Because with all that you are, it is impossible for me to see you as anything but an enemy. I cannot understand the value of the Pact. I can only guess at it. But the galaxy's weight is resting upon my shoulders, and my back is bowing. My spine... is breaking. How much more? How many more?
I hate what this universe is. I hate how it is structured. I hate the concepts, the Progenitors, the speeding space entities, and whoever else controls it. For a person to even condone the mindless suffering in this universe is an act of utter insanity. When I see you in your ivory castle, perched upon your mountains of gold, I think of the poor. I think of the justice you deserve that I cannot carry out because of the very power you wield. Do you know how angry that makes me? Do you know that my dreams are still sometimes haunted by Yasihaut's torture? I am a broken person, Kashaunta.
Broken by the weight of who I am and all I must do. But you, you get to sit here and eat, oblivious or indifferent to my suffering. Because you cannot stand to look down for fear of seeing the filth in your claws. I dream of your death, Kashaunta. And a thousand more. I want to tear down your civilization and all others like it. I want to kill, and maim, and murder. I want to be that indomitable power which all others fear and respect.
I want to mount Yasihaut's head on a spear and shove another between Nova's eyes for the crime of daring to use their ultimate power against me. And I want to kill you, too, for being the one I am forced to rely on to survive. For your own power being what forces me to bow and scrape to yet another master. This is why I bear my hatred for your kin, Kashaunta. Why I hate the Elders, the Progenitors, all of it. Because of the inherent unfairness of the galaxy you have built and the banal and insidious evil you have built it upon. I hate you, this galaxy, this universe.
Because you all will never get the justice you deserve, because I cannot repay the sheer weight of atrocity hanging from your heads. And to make you feel what you all deserve, would naturally require me to have the same punishment. Because I can't win without sinking to your level, either by being one of you Elders or having to use your ill-gotten power for my own benefit. I am climbing the mountain, the air is cold, the night is dark, the wind is blowing, and the ice is slick. I stand on the precipice of death, as does all I have known and loved.
To save them, I must use you, an Elder buoyed by an ocean of blood, merely so I can float up a little higher, perhaps to the next cliff or perhaps to that mountain peak. I believe I am fighting for the people. For freedom, justice, and the rights of my kind to self-determination. And to do so, I must sacrifice my own freedom. My own justice. And my own self-determination. All for winning a pointless case, against a stupid Elder who I'd press against a block of red-hot metal, just so I could enjoy her screams. I was a woman, once. A simple woman, a good human.
Now I am a monster. I have killed. I have avoided killing when I should not have. Yasihaut is still alive. Ikirshi is still alive. Tiglath is still alive. Nova is still alive. Azeri is still alive, too, even if his name is dead. Look what I am, and what I've had to do to get here. What will I have to do to continue? I am evil now. Because I will compromise my principles, and claim to fight for freedom while happily breaking bread with an Elder who openly espouses galactic domination. And I can't even say no, for fear of what that would mean for those I know and love.
I am broken, but I can still move. I can still think. And I can still hate. None of you have the right to stand against justice, but I do not have the power to make you kneel to it. Instead, I am being forced into this yet again. I deserve to die for what I am and what I have done, but I cannot because of who and what I fight for. I will only descend into worse depravity. When I am free of the Judgment, I will likely kill the slavers and enjoy it. Because that is what I am becoming now. I'm becoming you. Just as you said I would, proving that I'm powerless even against that."
Thick tears fell from Penny's eyes. With no one else but the Elder in the room and a currently fulfilled promise of no cameras, sound recording devices, and not even guards, only Kashaunta would know how much it pained Penny to say all this aloud. The pain doubled her over as the weight of her realization came to her.
Kashaunta let her be, waiting for Penny's tears to finally run dry. It was an ugly thing. All of the past trauma and misery came roaring back, drowning Penny in a sea of torment and suffering. Cardi and Nilncrawla were powerless to stop it. Her soul ached. Her mind shook.
At least, Penny drew a rasping breath. "So. Now you know, Kashaunta."
"I do," the Elder said. "I can tell you have many feelings on the matter. We don't have to continue discussion."
"You're not upset?"
"No," Kashaunta said. "Not at all. Why should I be? You bared your soul to me in this truth, Penny. Knowing the power I do hold over you, you did so anyway. This only proves that I was right to trust you and your strength."
"This isn't strength. I sat here and cried like a little girl."
"It took strength for you to admit how you feel and why, especially to me. To trust that I would listen, and to express exactly why you wish for me and my kin to die."
"You seem... oddly okay with me wanting to kill you."
"Because I have been surrounded by people who wanted to kill me before. Only one of them, in the long history of my life, admitted such to this extent before making their attempts, and that is you. I understand and respect your motive for wanting me dead, actually. I would feel the same way in your position. You are right. The way things are is not fair, and is not just. I also know that you won't kill me if you have the chance."
"Why do you think that?"
"Well, you do not seem the type to kill your allies, unless they directly betray you. I will not pretend that I am innocent. But do you truly think that you will be able to look me in the eyes, your main supporter among all my kind, and stab me in the heart? Because if you do kill me, I would at least request the honor of you doing it with your own hands. Or even the Soul Blade, if you wish to be poetic about it."
"So no lobbing asteroids of antimatter at you, then?" Penny laughed.
"I would think not, though if we are at that point, the future is lost anyway. To grapple with your past, present and future is a part of life, Penny. This right here is the reason I made the Pact with you. Because you are an honest person, with the will to do what is necessary, and the power to carry it out."
"But you'll be preparing contingencies to kill me, won't you?"
"No," Kashaunta said. "We are past that now."
"You act as if your life is already ending. A once in a billion years Pact with a human, acting like you won't protect yourself from a person who wants to murder you, and being uncaring about your legacy. Why?"
"Because it is you or nothing, Penny. I have lived over 13 billion years. I have had more than a full life. I have made my peace with death. Not the man himself, obviously, but the idea of it. We stand at the crossroads. I will wait no longer for the rot to keep spreading."
"So you will back me in the Judgment, then."
"More than that," Kashaunta said. "I am willing to be your lawyer, and represent you in this trial. If you accept, that is."
"I would, but I must ask you one question. Do you even care about the Alliance beyond what we could do to help you?"
"Yes, and no. I care about their idealism, and that they have AIs with high levels of cognitive power. I care that they recognise the value of Sprilnav lives as more than collateral damage, which is why their war plans only blow up our planets if they lose and are about to go extinct. Humanity and the hivemind are mainly valuable to me because they are valuable to you, the same with the rest of the Alliance. But they to have the ability to put a decent bureaucracy in place, through Phoebe and Edu'frec, or even the hivemind if it expands."
"Would you care if we lost?"
"Yes, though I can force myself not to if I must."
It seemed like an honest assessment of the situation. There was one more thing.
"Are you actually a lawyer, then? And are you skilled with Judticar's laws? It's quite touching that you're still willing to vouch for me, but if you don't have any sort of law degree, I can't exactly accept that."
"Yes to both. While I don't have an Eonic degree, I do have several thousand years of legal studies, with about a hundred in Justicar law."
"Would that actually be sufficient?"
"Yes. When we Sprilnav say we have put a hundred years into something, that is a raw time. It does not include sleeping, eating, vacations, and so on. My implant tells me I spent 181 years specifically studying Justicar law."
"How did you have time?"
"Delegation is a valuable skill for the sanity of country leaders."
"I suppose," Penny said. "Do you think that you and I appearing together in court would be detrimental to my case?"
"The only avenue they could pursue is that you've 'turned' me to your side. But seeing as I am extremely powerful and have refused bribes of inconceivable amounts of wealth, that narrative will be poorly accepted by all but the most biased of Judges. Or High Judges, as the case will be. Unfortunately, I do not qualify as either a Judge or High Judge, but my credentials and power are more than sufficient for them to be unable to block my ability to represent you. You have, as Nilnacrawla may have told you, already paid me for your services. Your linear singularities are more stable than I thought."
"So the money finally shows itself again," Penny smiled.
Kashaunta shared her grin. "Yes. That it does. You are surprisingly profitable as a bonus."
"I'm sure everything else I do is the bonus. Like making the other nations end slavery."
"Well, that would actually make them more productive."
"So why..."
"Elders love feeling powerful. They love having power over others, and being able to show it. They are generally insecure, their brains polluted by eons of paranoia and propaganda. The weakness of Elders is something that the powers that be use to exploit them."
"And your ego?"
"They have to prove their superiority to themselves. I live and breathe it with every step I take in this galaxy."
Penny sighed. "That is an impressive level of narcissism."
"That word didn't translate."
"It is a way to say a person admires themself to an unnatural and unhealthy degree."
"Then it would describe me, except the degree is quite healthy and natural. Elders' egos also help to keep us going. Reputation isn't just an external motivation."
Penny nodded. "We still must discuss your approach toward people in general later. But we have other priorities, don't we?"
"The Judgment," Kashaunta agreed. "You and Yasihaut will attend the Fort Court, and will be even better protected than last time. The Underground beneath it is continually pulverized, as it sits on a mostly active volcanic system, with lava outlets designed to ensure tunneling is impossible. The mindscape side fortifications are similarly impressive, and Justicar has spent a considerable amount of money on ensuring the security of this Judgment.
His reputation hinges on it greatly, even more so as he is there in person as a Judge. This makes him more vulnerable than usual. But if you kill his body, he will live. I do not suggest you try it, however. What I aim to do is present an argument that the premise of the Judgment trial is flawed, as there is limited legal proof that you and the Alliance are a threat to the Sprilnav.
To do this, I have already helped to secure two things for you. The treaty with Valisada and the Pact of Blades with me. These items will ensure the common scrutiny and arguments used against aliens will be ineffective. You have proven yourself capable of adhering to and participating in our customs, especially the ones related to trust and binding agreements. You also have wisely avoided killing any Sprilnav for a while. This, especially in the context of the slaves and the 85th Grand Fleet, will be massively beneficial to your argument.
Beyond this, I also have an array of legal evidence to challenge Yasihaut if she brings up your hatred of her, or the previous Judgment's outcome, or the battle that crippled the Progenitors. Indrafabar will be helpful to us, as he will defend the honor of his kin. He will not allow the argument of you being as strong as the Progenitors be seriously considered. No matter what you say or what people think, this will be a question of whether you can convince Indrafabar and Justicar of your ability to be peaceful, and behind that the Alliance.
You will find it harder to defend the rhetoric the Alliance has put out, but I have secured this portion of the Judgment with my defensive agreements with them as well. You both are anchored to me and my reputation too strongly for any of them to ignore, which is yet another reason why I am hoping to help defend you in person."
"So you are staking your own reputation on me, too. Is that another reason you did the Pact?"
"It is. The reputational blow losing this Judgment could have will not be enough to topple me. But it is a catalyst. It is capable of starting a chain of downfall events that lead to my dethroning or even my death. I am aware of this and am doing what I can to stave off that process and shore up all my defenses. I also have a lawyer with an Eonic degree in Justicar law who will be the main defender of your argument.
My presence in the court will be for your protection and as a reminder of the fact that you have a backer, and that backer is me. I expect Yasihaut's counterparts to undertake a similar process, though she will find it easier due to her being an Elder. I will introduce you to him in ten minutes."
"That is very kind of you, Kashaunta. I know that we have had our differences, and that your past is quite a contentious thing. But if I put all of that aside, and look at you as you are here, and now, I am grateful that you are doing all of this for me and my people. I do not know whether I can repay you for the Pact of Blades, but your conviction and intelligence are traits I admire."
"You are welcome, Penny. I know I cannot atone. But I will help you build a better galaxy, just as it should be."
Penny patted her on the hed, and turned her gaze to the opposite wall.
"I'm afraid," she admitted.
"Fear in this situation is natural. There is no shame in it. Your strength will allow you to work through it. Whether it is the strength you carry in your soul, or that which your father and Cardinality bring with them. You can do this, Penny. We can win."
"And if Yasihaut files another Judgment?"
Kashaunta gave her a dark grin. "I have a plan for that, too. When the Pact of Blades is revealed in the court, my abilities to aid you will widen considerably. They will understand, and if not, Indrafabar will teach them. He was there, after all."
"And this isn't witness tampering or whatever?"
"That doesn't exist here," Kashaunta said. "Justicar's laws do not include that. He enforces that by his soft power. It makes things more fair between Elders, but not between Elders and others. As is by design."
"Kashaunta," Penny said. "While you are an okay person, by your current deeds, I can't really say I'm not going to take the guy with a billion years of legal education over your scant hundred."
"I do not need to be your main lawyer, I just need to have the job listed as such in the courtroom. If he requires it, the lawyer will speak over me and you in all matters."
"You and I, you mean?"
"I do not mean," Kashaunta said. "My language does not always follow your grammatical rules."
"Speaking of that, during the Pact, you spoke a language we couldn't translate for a bit."
"Can you repeat it?"
"'Eis nama kaste Penny Balica, sun lanci Dorima Kashaunta. Ko'ri, lanci nupa bes na Dorima'Pecunyanova. Sp'rkial'nova. Homo Sapiens.' And then you said, 'Tol, nopa shikai.'"
"It roughly means: 'This act is between Penny Balica and the Elder Kashaunta. Now, we are in the claws of the Progenitors. Sp'rkial'nova. Homo Sapiens.' And the second part means 'take it or leave it,' or more accurately 'take or leave.' That's about what I said."
"So Dorima means Elder, and Dorima'Pecunyanova means Progenitor?"
"Yes. The specific translation is 'mourning one' and 'mourning god' for those terms. Pecunyanova was the very first Progenitor, and Nova's grandfather, which he took a piece of the name of. Nova took in the powers of his entire family line when he became a Progenitor, including Pecunyanova's title of Everlasting."
"I can sense a deeper meaning beyond the mourning."
"The type of 'mourning' that the ancient language describes is a soul agony, of the type which drives the happiest souls to suicide and the most evil souls to tears. There are many more descriptions given to the agony of remembering the Source war, which is what defines the name. We mourn our species, our empires, our lost galaxies, and even the aliens that once lived with us. Imagine you were on Earth, and you had a nuclear war. No shields, no bunkers.
And all that survived the aftermath, the starvation and the proxy wars over the scraps that remained, was the equivalent of a single village. That is how close we are to extinction, Penny. Progenitors went mad with grief. Entire cities voted to activate nuclear arsenals upon themselves. 70 whole Grand Fleets drove straight into the black hole at the center of the galaxy, never to return. It is a trauma... a trauma difficult to even describe now, with over 99.99% of my memories of that war strictly sealed away.
By the end of it, we were burning reality itself to try and burn the Source to ash. We weaponized linear singularities, sending them deep into the Source's flesh. We opened spatial rifts in that bastard's galaxy-sized body. We live in a false vacuum, Penny. Our scientists learned that, and harnessed that. We sent weapons at the Source capable of writing entire concepts out of reality and capable of changing reality itself to kill. Weapons outright banned between the universal superpowers were thrown like chaff in the wind. The fear and madness of that time... nothing comes close to it.
And it is another reason why we commit so many atrocities. Because we have lost our power, any way of feeling like we still have even a scrap of it is irresistible. Others have fallen to the sweet bliss of drugs, or the digital equivalent. More Sprilnav than are alive now by a million times are stored in databanks, waiting for us to build a new universal empire."
"And... the Source?"
"The cursed thing lived. A mockery to us all, one which we know we are powerless to do anything about. It could come here even now and crush my flagship between its skin cells. It could crush this entire galaxy by wading through it in a few years. And no, it does not know or care about little things like the speed of light. It broke causality in many of its battles without care for those it killed. And what you don't know is that the Source war wasn't the first time people tried to kill it.
Other universal powers did and drove it back with lesser weapons than what we used. But power that could force it away did nothing when it came for us. That burning, blinding hatred. It was hell, Penny. And what is left behind is almost as bad. And let me say that almost as bad in this case is still constant agony. Constant misery. I was one of them once. One of the Elders that hated everyone in the universe for the crime of being happy after such a horrendous fall.
I killed many people. I destroyed planets. I killed children, babies, and smashed eggs with my own claws. In person. The depths of what I sank to are beyond depraved and evil, Penny. I refuse to lose hope again. This is why I am here, now, backing you. I cannot atone, but I can rebuild. The Source will feed you its lies but do not forget what it is. Who it is. And what it has done to us."
"Your retelling is not fully accurate," Exile said.
"I am aware of that, speeding space entity. I told the most complete story I know, and will not bring back millions of years of agony just to give a better one. It is not safe for her."
"How would it be unsafe for me?" Penny asked.
"Because I would go insane and kill you, obviously."
"And the Pact of Blades?"
"Unless the Progenitors got here in time, you'd still die. They'd kill me next, with only a slight difficulty if only one is sent, and that one is not Nova. No bond is truly unbreakable, but that is what it would take for me to break the Pact of Blades. I... my mind is built on a foundation of ash. Turn that ash back to wood, and the center will fall through."
Penny moved closer to Kashaunta. She moved her arm over Kashaunta's back. "I'm sorry."
"Thank you."