Stomach pain body chills no fever

Little background; I'm someone who's been out of work for 8 years between studying and a plethora of physical and mental health issues. Despite basically being on the verge of unfit for work I've been desperate to get a job as I need more than what benefits give. It's been a struggle because private sector I've never been able to find an employer who'd be willing to take my issues on or anything that was fully homeworking or near enough that wouldn't physically tax me (I can only walk about 10-15 minutes before a lot of pain) and so I was encouraged to look into joining the Civil Service because of they're far more willing to be flexible with employee needs.
I've applied a lot for a long time and only had success recently, I passed the hiring requirements/interview for an AO position at the Home Office- but was notified that there was no place to offer me and so put on the reserve list.
Then, I was offered a DTR (direct temporary recruitment) role opportunity at my local JCP thanks to my work coach. I was elated initially, though told due to the nature of the role- front house operational delivery/admin, I wouldn't be able to work from home/hybrid, but because it was local and so close I just thought with enough adjustments I'd be able to do it. And though the initial advert for it was listed as having part-time etc. available for it, it was always presented to me as needing to be full time.
So, I'm about to finish my first week of starting, and I'm honestly not sure what to do. It's so important to me have a job, the envoirement is not bad, the first week has been relaxed of course but I've been suffering in silence and feeling very overwhelmed. I've been in a lot of physical and mental pain, particularly when I go home at the end of the day, like my body just can't take it, it's really left me mentally shattered when I get home to the point I've cried every night. When I get in, I put on a brave face and a big smile, I don't think anyone has clocked something is up with me but I just don't know where to go from here and I need advice.
I think I would infinitely handle something part-time or with reduced hours a lot better, allowing me to recuperate at home (where I have access to a fair few custom adjustments like bathroom aid etc.), heck I'd probably be a lot more productive working from home but understand that's not the role (I think I'll be doing a lot of ID checks.)
I feel utterly rotten that I'm feeling this way, am disappointed in myself at the fact I can't do this, and I feel like I'm wasting an opportunity given to me that could've gone to someone else who'd be able to make full use of it but I also need it to. So I guess my question is, does anyone have any advice? Do I just approach my Line Manager and go right in saying all this despite not even fully starting my training yet? Do I ask for reduced hours? See my GP for advice or note first? Just keep it to myself and try to grind it out to see if I get better? How likely is it my requesting part-time or reduced hours will be looked at really badly? Can DTR contracts even be changed?
Thanks in advance

The hotel hallway is dim, illuminated only by flickering lights. Elena is nowhere in sight, running after her would prove useless. The fire escape is the best way to intercept her. As I opened the door, I hear the echo of feet pounding against stairs. It was her. Swiftly, I hop over the railway, she wouldn’t escape so easily.
Elena’s adrenaline was no match for my speed. I gain on her with every jump. She is almost to the exit. I can’t let her escape. I’m so close. She’s reaching for the door, but her ponytail lags. I jump over the last flight of stairs and reach out as far as possible. Relief washes over me when I feel her silky hair in my hand. I yank back as hard as I can, her head whips back followed by her shoulders. She stumbles back but I catch her. We wrestle in the stairwell but quickly I gain control. I pull her against my body and with one hand over her mouth, I slowly crack the door… All clear. It seems no one heard us in this deserted shithole.
“No one can help you now,” I whisper in her ear. She tries to bite my hand but only manages to graze my skin. “You're going to have to try harder than that.”
…

The sun begins to rise—a glimmer of light peeks through the hotel room's curtains where they don’t quite meet. I dim the bathroom light, my eyes are burning from the fluorescent bulbs. 

I turn to the mirror. It’s dirty, so my reflection is blurred, but it doesn’t hide the age starting to show on my face. My hair is beginning to thin, the bags under my eyes are now turning purple, and my eyes are bloodshot. Not only is my age showing, but so are the years of secrets and lies.
I run the sink faucet and splash the cold water on my face. The cold water stings and sends a chill through my body. My eyes lock on their reflection, they look unfamiliar.

 “Are you ready to talk now?” I call back to Elena. I watch her through the mirror. The tub is small and her knees are folded to fit inside. She is choking, the ropes binding her hands together have chaffed her wrists, there is steam rising off the wet towel on top of her mouth. 

My hair is greasy, it’s been days since I’ve showered. I wet my hands and run them through my hair. I feel a wave of adrenaline rush over me.

I walk over to the tub, and raise the towel from Elena’s mouth, “You ready to start talking?” I ask again. Elena weakly pushes her lips together and blows a raspberry, a mixture of drool and water flows out of her mouth. She was always a spitter, and now it was her only defense. “Save your energy.” I put the dripping towel over her face and turn the bathtub faucet. The water pours over the towel, and her body writhes. The rush of energy from the cold water doesn't last and my eyelids feel heavy. If I’m tired, I know Sam can’t last much longer. 38, 39, 40. I turn off the faucet. I lift the towel and slowly ring it out on her face. 7, 8, 9, 10. “Where the fuck is she” I scream. I am losing my patience. Elena is still gasping, her eyes rolling to the back of her head. I sling her over my shoulder and throw her on the bed just a few yards away. Quickly I hook the rope on her wrist to the handcuffs hanging loose from the bed frame. She coughs in rhythm and her eyes flutter shut, she must be exhausted. I need to rest before she wakes up. I sit in the chair in the corner but my body is still tense while my mind races. I know Sarah wouldn’t have told Elena where I keep the safe (change). They might not have gotten to her, or she could have escaped if they did. I can’t get the image of my house out of my mind, the tables turned over, the broken glass, the blood-streaked walls. The blood may not have been hers. She’s smart, she knows how to defend herself. She could have escaped. Did they even capture her? Was it all a trap to lure me? Is she dead? Is she suffering? I don’t want to think about it anymore, I need to rest. My eyes ache from holding them open, I concede and let them fall shut. 

…
I gasp and my eyes shoot open, I feel an aching chill take over my body. My eyes focus and Elena is smiling in my face. There’s an excruciating cold pain in my chest, I look down and I see a knife protruding out. I watch as Elena slowly turn the knife, ripping my chest open. Her eyes are glowing, hungry for my cries, I won’t give her the satisfaction. Slowly she pulls the knife out but there is no relief. She pokes me again with the knife, it’s dull and the pressure builds as it slowly penetrates my soft stomach. Again, she slowly pulls the knife out, wiggling it along the way.
“Where is she?” I gasp, blood slowly filling my mouth.
“Since you really want to know, I guess I’ll tell you.. She is in Baltimore, well her head is in Baltimore, her body is in Essex, and her legs in the Back River. She wasn’t easy to catch, you’d be proud.” I drain the emotion from my eyes, my face is heavy. Elena’s face twitches with disappointment.
She continues, “The funny thing is we don’t even need you. She told us where the safe is, all to save you. I promised we wouldn’t go after you if we got what we needed, which was of course a lie, we have to kill you regardless. Or maybe she caved because of the pain. We didn’t go so easy on her as I have with you. First I cut off her fingers, one by one, and her toes, but of course it wasn't enough. I’ll give it to her, she’s tough, I suppose you coached her in the event she got mixed up in your nasty business. Do you feel guilty about that? I would. The person I love most in the world is dead because of me. I couldn’t live with the guilt knowing that my innocent wife died in such a painful way; and trust me, it was painful. I like to call it the death by a thousand cuts. Too bad you weren’t there to save her.”
I can no longer tell the source of the pain. I close my eyes and let the pain run its course, I deserve to feel every moment of the unbearable agony. She leans in real close, I feel her hot breath on the nape of my neck “Her last words were ‘Help me, David.’”
My body shakes uncontrollably and the dark room grows dimmer, I’m ready for relief. “I love you, Sarah. I’m sorry”.

So I'm 14 days PO, I've had a good recovery so far with very little nausea and little to no GERD symptoms. However today I feel like I've messed things up.
I had to go shopping myself (husband has been doing it for me but he couldn't today and we needed ingredients for dinner). Ended up carrying home a backpack which weighed 5kg, I weighed it at home to check as I thought it was much heavier. It was 33c here so I got home hot, feeling thirsty and my back was hurting a lot which automatically made me anxious that I'd hurt the wrap. Did some research and usually up to 5kg is fine until the 2 week mark so I calmed myself down about it.
Then just after dinner I was drinking water and a bit went down the wrong way, so I instinctively coughed a few times, one cough was quite hard and the rest I did my best to control. Immediately became anxious that I'd coughed too hard but didn't feel any pain or issues.
At about 9pm I realised I had a very sore throat and shortly afterward I started feeling incredibly nauseous. I took ondansetron and walked around the house, breathing it out and drinking water. It took over an hour but things calmed down, my stomach is making all kinds of crazy noises all the way into my bowels. I should also point out I'm on a period and as most women may experience, my GERD was typically always worse during this time.
Is it possible for me to have screwed up the wrap/Hernia repair with what I did today? Has anyone else had something similar happen and it turned out the wrap was still there? I'm so scared I messed it all up.

"You're not seriously going to chain yourself up like this?" I had to ask I couldn't handle watching this.
It was dirty and awful smelling like the funk was personally wringing my lungs dry. "I have to," he said with such a resolution, that I was thinking of just letting him have his way.
"There has to be another way though. You're the CROWNED prince, next in line for the throne of Jakqulies, I'd be a bad subject if I'd let you stay."
"And I would be a bad king if I listened to you." "I'm a good influence though, so you should listen to me."
He rolled his eyes and anchored down the chains to the wall. he ignored me, even though he was the one who brought me here in the first place.
pinched my eyebrows in frustration. "I just think, there are more ways, better ways, to handle this." "I've tried everything." I sat on the wooden bed and shrugged my shoulders trying to think of everything.
"Well when you say everything, that could mean a lot of things, did you try things related to the 'cures' and things outside of it?" He sighed, he walked over to me and looked me in the eyes.
"I have tried everything. I've tried locking myself in the dungeon and leaving the kingdom, I've tried a multitude of potions even mixing some, tried charms, hexes, and spells."
I slumped down on the wood, it was prickly and cold. Then again this entire dungeon is freezing. "Why didn't anything work?" "I don't know nor do we have the time to try and figure that out now." "It could be important. Help me do the job you asked me to do."
He didn't respond, too busy screwing chains shut on his wrist. I rolled onto the bed, it was starting to become more comfortable.
"I don't need anything specific just how it ended up failing." "Simple I couldn't stay awake." " You need to be more specific"
"Well I don't know what you want me to say. I took the potions I did the hexes and every single one didn't work." "Then what about when you left how did that fail." He was stressed and so was I.
I couldn't do anything to help cause we knew nothing about what was causing the change. He was stressed cause how is a crowned prince going to become king when he transform into a murderous monster every 24th night.
"The thing used magic and brought me back before changing." I shot up and twirled over the bed to face him. "It used magic!?" he froze a bit, confused by the reaction. "Yes, you already know it can use magic. "NOT powerful magic!"
I crawled off the bed and raced into my bag. "What does it matter?" He was perplexed by how panicked I was dumping things out. I need the drawings.
"It completely changes things!" I saw the paper fall onto the floor. I snatched it up and raced to the light outside the dungeon.
I didn't believe it when I saw the drawing, I thought I was being overdramatic. There was no way I was right at first, I couldn't be, because then that would mean- I stared at the drawing it looked exactly how they described it to be. I looked back at Kaeden.
It's crazy how learning new stuff about the people you know can completely change the way they look to you. He noticed my shift in personality immediately. "What? Edan what is it?"
"How far?" "What?" I walked to my bag and quickly started shoving things in it, keeping the drawing close to my chest.
"How far away did you go?!" "I went to Thanxthiles." I dropped my bag. "Oh, my Johi! To the Thanxthiles, like into the kingdom!" "yes."
I couldn't tell if I was excited or shocked, it didn't matter. This is the greatest day of my life. I couldn't speak either, I just started freaking out.
I grabbed onto his arms and jumped up and down roots started to sprout from beneath me every time I touched the ground. "Really? You went that far! And it used magic to bring itself back here!" He didn't respond only looking around as nature started to break into the concrete of the dungeon.
I broke away from him and started jumping all around and looking at the drawing with a newfound aspiration. "Edna wait? I'm confused." " A SEKAN BEAST! YOU'RE A SEKAN BEAST VESSEL!"
I ran toward him and shoved the paper into his hand. "Look! Look! That's what you said the beast looks like right? And it displays the use of magic!"
I was inches away from his face brimming with joy. He scooted away slightly. As he answered with sheer confusion. "Yes."
My eyes ignited in exhilaration. I was dancing all around the room. Bouncing off the walls excited. "Eden. My room! your plan-" "This is such great news, you can become so much stronger than you are now! You can become like the mighty kings of old!"
I said as I jumped on his bed and crawled towards him. I was smiling so much and felt a sudden need to laugh. "EDEN!" He grabbed me off the bed, he was strong. "WOW you're already so strong imagine when you fully grow into your powers!" "Eden my fucking room!"
I surveyed the room and noticed how it started to turn into a miniature forest, roots overturning his floors and trees ripening with fruit brushing through the wall and flowers with little flying bugs in almost every corner of where I stepped.
Still, I was breathlessly ecstatic. "A SEKAN beast." I chuckled before having to catch my breath. He sat me down.
"What is a Sekan beast and why are you so happy that it torments my kingdom?" He wasn't happy like I was, no he wasn't happy at all with my reaction.
To be fair to him becoming a vessel to a Sekan best is rare the effects on their life is grave. I raised my hand and shrunk the forest back into the ground. "I'm sorry for getting too excited but this is great news."
He winced at the words and pulled away. "How is any of this great news? I lost my best friend to this thing. And you're over here celebrating and praising my suffering."
"No no. I'm not saying what you're going through is great I'm saying what is causing this is great being and can be talked to." He shook his head and rested his arms on his legs in despair.
"A great being." He mumbled. I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his back, covering him with my cloak. "The thing taking over your body is called a sekan beast."
"I figured that much." "It's the beast of the gods and... is a sign that the person that they take over is in favor of the gods and they're sent to get rid of people who would interfere with their vessel's journey." He raised his head in distress. "Save me from- huh It's the very danger of my-" "I know. I know."
I grabbed his hand tightly. "The gods send the beast to take away obstacles that may cause you intense agony or intend to end your history short." he grasped onto the side of my skirt.
He was at a loss for words. I sat in silence with him. He probably didn't want to hear more about the beast.
After a while I feared for him to sleep so I shook him lightly and tried to comfort him. "I'm sorry, you lost people close or even if they were just people you never met, but they're gone for a reason."
He didn't respond, just shuddered a breath. "At least this way. You can remember them as they are not what they would've been."
He stood up and faced the wall. " I don't. I just, he was my best friend, I wanted nothing more than to rid myself of this thing since his death but now you're telling me, his death was necessary and that he would betray me or even kill me. I just. I can't."
"I never met him or know anything about your guy's relationship, but he must've changed in the future to do so."
"No people don't just change, there must have been something!" "That no one could've saved him from."
He just looked at me a shook his head. "Mmm mm! I could've!" I walked up to him and tried to reason with him.
"If the Sekan took his life that likely means it was his fate to hurt you whether he wanted to or not." "Then why kill him? If it was his fate to hurt me, why cut his life? Why kill him, by my hands? Why even have him born in the first place? " He was hurt.
"The sekan took him to spare you. Whatever it was he would've done would've been too much for you to bear, be it physically or mentally. His action would've caused your demise."
He just turned away from me. He didn't try to argue against my reason anymore and just listened to me. I gave him everything I knew about the beast.
Former vessels, their powers, the transformation, their history, and stories about how they came to be.
He suddenly sprang from the bed. "What time is it?" "Umm... it's" I looked up to my arm and used my painted fingers to move my moon tattoo it shifted to look like the moon outside.
"It's almost midnight." he just stared at my arm mouth gaped open. "What?" "What do you mean what? What was that that?"
"Magic?" "I'm not talking about the magic I'm talking about the painting on your arm. Did you paint that on yourself?" I looked at him in disbelief, laughing at his face of amusement and bewilderment, I showed him more of them.
"They're called tattoos, they're not exactly paintings. They're permanent, you ink them onto your skin using needles. Anyone can get them, many if not all witches have them. Makes casting spells easier."
"Woah. I've never seen them in real life, it seems much cooler than magic." I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "Why did you ask for the time anyway?"
His joy dispersed into a somber calm. "It's almost time." "I thought you said you didn't know when the transformation happens, it just happens" "That's true but it's typically around midnight that it happens."
I stayed silent for a moment. "It's an ugly and honestly embarrassing process that I don't want you to see." "But I need to converse with it." "Well, you'll know when the transformation is done cause you won't hear my screams anymore."
The words danced off his tongue like it was a joke. But his laughing quickly turned to a nervous cough when he saw my worrisome expression.
"I suggest it'd be best you left for a couple of minutes-" "Does it hurt you to transform?" He seemed uncomfortable at the idea of it, he swung his arms nervously before picking at the chains.
"Yes. Yes, it does." He said looking away from me as if in shame. I don't understand. The transformation should've been physically painless.
"What? Can, you describe it?" "I don't know how to. Umm, I guess it would feel like my entire body was being stretched and ripped apart."
This doesn't make any sense, is he a Sekan's vessel? I paced around a bit trying to understand.
There is no other creature able to take over a body and everything points to a sekan but the physical pain of the transformation should never happen.
"I don't want you here when it does happen. It's difficult to watch so please just go upstairs and wait." Something's wrong. I just nodded my head and walked out.
He was shutting the door, I looked back he seemed so sad. I pushed the door back open and hugged him.
He was shocked and so was I, but he was going to be in pain. "It's... it's going to be alright I promise." He hugged me and we stayed there for a moment.
Not a sound just our hearts beating. He pulled away and shut the door behind me. I walked up the stairs, slowly.
I know I said I would wait to give him his time to suffer without witness. But just because he wants it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.
I stayed on the fourth step for what seemed to be a long time. I don't know what I was waiting for. Maybe to hear his cries? Maybe to hear him and rush back in? But I didn't hear anything.
"This looks so creepy." I insulted myself and began to walk up. I had a sickly feeling that grew with each step was it okay to leave him there alone?
I know it's what he asked and he decided it was the best and he is the future king. So I should listen to him. I made it to the courtyard, the feeling was now a wave constantly beating over me.
Fuck it.
I may reside in his kingdom but I'm a witch we know no kings. I pulled back the door and made my way back down the stairs. Which for some reason seemed to be much longer than when I came up.
The feeling was growing increasingly vexing with each step, I soon started running down the stairs. I raced to the bottom, I could hear sobs getting closer with each step
I jumped over the last two and bolted down the hall. "Kaeden!" I bearly stopped myself from sliding past his door. I grabbed the handle and flung it open. "Kaeden!" He was crouched over on the floor, grabbing at his arms. He raised his head to look at me.
"Eden?" I flinched back his left eye had bloody feathers coming out of every pore and his pupils were stretched and his eye was starting to grow over his face.
"What are you doing here?! I told you to leave!" His voice was layered with another more animalistic curl, but it just made his pain much more noticeable.
I rushed over to him. He tried to get up and walk away but quickly fell to the floor. "Please! I don't want you to see me like this!" His voice was filled with pain, I couldn't stand it. "I'm sorry but it's wrong to just leave you here to suffer alone.
Be mad at me all you want later but I won't leave you." I put my hand in his and let him squeeze it as hard as he needed. He was sweating like crazy.
Blood dripped onto my hand every second. He trembled with each new feather. I didn't know what I could do. I don't think I can do anything.
I started to panic when he started to scream out, he tried to stifle it every time but it didn't change the fact that his hands started to grow new bones.
I felt his skin break and his bones shift. I couldn't stand the feeling but it was more horrific to watch as it happened to his back.
Blood started to seep into his clothes, his skin started to shrink and harden into scales, I could feel feathers grow on his hands and see it started to replace his hair.
I could bearly catch my breath at the sight of his bone tearing through his skin. Breaking and mending themselves into a strange shape.
He had already bled some much it died my purple skirt to a violent red. "Please... leave..." his voice was just a broken sob; a tired whisper.
He was completely terrified. I felt tears on my face. I leaned over him and hugged him almost as if I was shielding him. Hard to shield him from his own body.
I broke down alongside him. "It's going to be over soon, real soon. I promise. It's going to be okay I'm right here. I'm not leaving." I could feel him shivering under me.
I could feel him gasping for air. I hear his bones moving in his body. I could hear his voice change with every sob. It was almost over. "It's almost over Kaeden" I was relieved we couldn't see each other's faces.
He wouldn't believe me if he could see how terrified I looked and I couldn't see what he was turning into. My tears pooled and soaked into the feathers on his back.
I felt drained but I could only imagine the pain Kaeden was going through. It was painful to just watch. I just stayed there telling him it was going to be okay as his screams override my voice.
I tightened my hold on him as I watched his blood flow from him to the crack under the door. I tried to listen to his heartbeat but I couldn't find it. After what seems like a lifetime.
His bones stopped moving, I couldn't feel any more blood flowing like a stream, and I didn't feel his skin transmute into scales and feathers pop through his skin.
I raised my head, blood had soaked through my hair dampening and staining my cheek. I looked at him.
He didn't even look human anymore. His body was covered in feathers, he had talons for nails, and his legs had grown extra joints not to mention he had grown twice- no three times his size.
He was bizarrely clean despite the pool of blood surrounding us. It would've been a straight blessing from Johi to be holding or even be this close to a Sekan beast; had its arrival been under normal circumstances.
I wiped away the blood from my face and took my arm away. I was suddenly jerked forward, it wrapped its hand on my arm. I tried to pull away but it dug its talons in my skin. I didn't hesitate to tie the thing down with vines.
the vines shot back out through the concrete and quickly made their way around the beast's neck and arms. The beast didn't take this lightly and started to stand. It pulled me close and tried to pick me up by my arm.
The plants grabbed at its legs and tried to knock it down but it stood its ground. The branch around his neck tightened forcing its head to rear up. it wasn't as monstrous as I had thought, it still had a semblance of a human face but it was not Kaeden's.
The eyes had a pattern similar to stained glass and the pupils were too large, I could see the reflection of my fear in its eyes. The neck was long it the vine had wrapped around it four times.
it clenched its jaw and bared its sharp jigsaw teeth as it struggled to breathe. I had a chance to tie it down and I didn't hesitate.
I reached out and commanded the plants to pull his knees down. It hit the ground after struggling for stability. I pulled away, its talons digging into my skin. I yanked myself free, its claws sliced open my hand and almost took my fingers off.
I grabbed at my arm the blood flowing through my fingers. the Sekan was grabbing at the branches at its neck breaking them. I didn't give it the chance to free itself before I flung it through the bed and into the wall.
The beast was shocked and angry. It expanded its size with its wings unfurling from its side, but the vines already bursting through the wall wrapped them up and bent them to be useless.
it was fighting for its freedom like a feral animal, and not a majestic beast of the gods like it was said to be. with each struggle, the vines multiplied and grew thicker.
I watched as it almost got completely consumed by the trees. I mended my flesh concentrated flame and glued my skin back together.
I looked back up and the thing was motionless. almost like it was dead. I motioned for the plants to release it. It collapsed to the ground choking for air. I went behind the door and locked it and called out to it through the bars.
"What are you?" The only response was coughs and the ruffle of feathers. "Answer me." It rose and stood still for a moment before cracking its neck downward to look me in the eyes. It was nauseating I grabbed at my neck, sure that if I tried that I'd die.
"You know what I am Witch of Rthytic." Its voice had a curl to it, a nasty freighting curl. I could hear Kaedens's voice mixed with it. "I know what u pretend to be. Sekans are beasts of the gods, you're just a beast." It chuckled before bending its neck back.
It kneeled at the door; it was still slightly larger than the door. its eyes still glimmered but its pupils were small and focused. "The gods are dead witch." I drew back from the door, it grinned slightly "At least they will be."
"What are you talking about!?" "Haven't you noticed how unfair things have been lately, never felt overwhelmed by the voiceless replies. I know you noticed how empty and gut-wrenching the tempels feel and you never wondered why?" I didn't know how to respond. I just stare at the beast.
"No. no what are you really, no Sekan would act such a way about the gods. nor would you cause your vessel so much pain." The beast stopped smiling and backed away from the door retreating into the shadows.
The lock suddenly clicked and the door opened. It spoke very coldly as it crouched through the door "The gods have abandoned their morals. They usurped Beseled, now the world will fall into chaos. There's a god slayer in this remele. this slayer is Kaeden Esmened the fourth, crowned prince of Jakqulies."
I froze as a ball built up in my throat. I tried to walk away but it grabbed my arm and forced me to listen.
"The gods know of Kaeden and want him dead. I forced my way into Kaedens soul to rid of future opposers. His physical pain is minor compared to what thousands would go through if I didn't get to him. Kaeden was never meant to be the great ruler he was meant to kill the gods" I pulled away. "let go." "You were also meant great things." "what."
"The Witch of Rthytic your name will be known far more than keadens. you will be the reason he is even remembered."
"What do you mean." it let me go and began to walk away. "I don't need to tell you, just watch the gods you commune with." I was confused, everything it told me was too much, how was I supposed to tell this to Kaeden?
I wouldn't be able to do it. I looked up and the thing was gone. I raced up the stairs to see it spread its wings on the roof of the courtyard. The wings were twice the size of its own body, so big it blocked out the moon.
Of every slayer that's ever lived, only one made it back alive, but even then their body had failed them, I can't let Kaeden leave like this. "Wait!" I looked over its shoulder.
If the gods are killed then there be a strange new age of human power, that will only lead to destruction. There has to be someone stronger to care for the weak.
"It- is there a way to make Kaeden," it looked at me and grinned, " a god." Its eyes widen and its lips curl. I would make Kaeden a god and inadvertently the beast too. It put its hand out. Kaeden fate was always twisted against him, his death was meant to be cruel and lonely. He would be fine with sacrificing himself for the greater good.
But he made a deal with a witch, he thrust his soul and the beast into my hands. Both will become gods for one to live. I dug my nails into its skin as we made our pledge to birth a new era.
Of chaos and love.

"You're not seriously going to chain yourself up like this?" I had to ask I couldn't handle watching this.
It was dirty and awful smelling like the funk was personally wringing my lungs dry. "I have to," he said with such a resolution, that I was thinking of just letting him have his way.
"There has to be another way though. You're the CROWNED prince, next in line for the throne of Jakqulies, I'd be a bad subject if I'd let you stay."
"And I would be a bad king if I listened to you." "I'm a good influence though, so you should listen to me."
He rolled his eyes and anchored down the chains to the wall. he ignored me, even though he was the one who brought me here in the first place.
pinched my eyebrows in frustration. "I just think, there are more ways, better ways, to handle this." "I've tried everything." I sat on the wooden bed and shrugged my shoulders trying to think of everything.
"Well when you say everything, that could mean a lot of things, did you try things related to the 'cures' and things outside of it?" He sighed, he walked over to me and looked me in the eyes.
"I have tried everything. I've tried locking myself in the dungeon and leaving the kingdom, I've tried a multitude of potions even mixing some, tried charms, hexes, and spells."
I slumped down on the wood, it was prickly and cold. Then again this entire dungeon is freezing. "Why didn't anything work?" "I don't know nor do we have the time to try and figure that out now." "It could be important. Help me do the job you asked me to do."
He didn't respond, too busy screwing chains shut on his wrist. I rolled onto the bed, it was starting to become more comfortable.
"I don't need anything specific just how it ended up failing." "Simple I couldn't stay awake." " You need to be more specific"
"Well I don't know what you want me to say. I took the potions I did the hexes and every single one didn't work." "Then what about when you left how did that fail." He was stressed and so was I.
I couldn't do anything to help cause we knew nothing about what was causing the change. He was stressed cause how is a crowned prince going to become king when he transform into a murderous monster every 24th night.
"The thing used magic and brought me back before changing." I shot up and twirled over the bed to face him. "It used magic!?" he froze a bit, confused by the reaction. "Yes, you already know it can use magic. "NOT powerful magic!"
I crawled off the bed and raced into my bag. "What does it matter?" He was perplexed by how panicked I was dumping things out. I need the drawings.
"It completely changes things!" I saw the paper fall onto the floor. I snatched it up and raced to the light outside the dungeon.
I didn't believe it when I saw the drawing, I thought I was being overdramatic. There was no way I was right at first, I couldn't be, because then that would mean- I stared at the drawing it looked exactly how they described it to be. I looked back at Kaeden.
It's crazy how learning new stuff about the people you know can completely change the way they look to you. He noticed my shift in personality immediately. "What? Edan what is it?"
"How far?" "What?" I walked to my bag and quickly started shoving things in it, keeping the drawing close to my chest.
"How far away did you go?!" "I went to Thanxthiles." I dropped my bag. "Oh, my Johi! To the Thanxthiles, like into the kingdom!" "yes."
I couldn't tell if I was excited or shocked, it didn't matter. This is the greatest day of my life. I couldn't speak either, I just started freaking out.
I grabbed onto his arms and jumped up and down roots started to sprout from beneath me every time I touched the ground. "Really? You went that far! And it used magic to bring itself back here!" He didn't respond only looking around as nature started to break into the concrete of the dungeon.
I broke away from him and started jumping all around and looking at the drawing with a newfound aspiration. "Edna wait? I'm confused." " A SEKAN BEAST! YOU'RE A SEKAN BEAST VESSEL!"
I ran toward him and shoved the paper into his hand. "Look! Look! That's what you said the beast looks like right? And it displays the use of magic!"
I was inches away from his face brimming with joy. He scooted away slightly. As he answered with sheer confusion. "Yes."
My eyes ignited in exhilaration. I was dancing all around the room. Bouncing off the walls excited. "Eden. My room! your plan-" "This is such great news, you can become so much stronger than you are now! You can become like the mighty kings of old!"
I said as I jumped on his bed and crawled towards him. I was smiling so much and felt a sudden need to laugh. "EDEN!" He grabbed me off the bed, he was strong. "WOW you're already so strong imagine when you fully grow into your powers!" "Eden my fucking room!"
I surveyed the room and noticed how it started to turn into a miniature forest, roots overturning his floors and trees ripening with fruit brushing through the wall and flowers with little flying bugs in almost every corner of where I stepped.
Still, I was breathlessly ecstatic. "A SEKAN beast." I chuckled before having to catch my breath. He sat me down.
"What is a Sekan beast and why are you so happy that it torments my kingdom?" He wasn't happy like I was, no he wasn't happy at all with my reaction.
To be fair to him becoming a vessel to a Sekan best is rare the effects on their life is grave. I raised my hand and shrunk the forest back into the ground. "I'm sorry for getting too excited but this is great news."
He winced at the words and pulled away. "How is any of this great news? I lost my best friend to this thing. And you're over here celebrating and praising my suffering."
"No no. I'm not saying what you're going through is great I'm saying what is causing this is great being and can be talked to." He shook his head and rested his arms on his legs in despair.
"A great being." He mumbled. I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his back, covering him with my cloak. "The thing taking over your body is called a sekan beast."
"I figured that much." "It's the beast of the gods and... is a sign that the person that they take over is in favor of the gods and they're sent to get rid of people who would interfere with their vessel's journey." He raised his head in distress. "Save me from- huh It's the very danger of my-" "I know. I know."
I grabbed his hand tightly. "The gods send the beast to take away obstacles that may cause you intense agony or intend to end your history short." he grasped onto the side of my skirt.
He was at a loss for words. I sat in silence with him. He probably didn't want to hear more about the beast.
After a while I feared for him to sleep so I shook him lightly and tried to comfort him. "I'm sorry, you lost people close or even if they were just people you never met, but they're gone for a reason."
He didn't respond, just shuddered a breath. "At least this way. You can remember them as they are not what they would've been."
He stood up and faced the wall. " I don't. I just, he was my best friend, I wanted nothing more than to rid myself of this thing since his death but now you're telling me, his death was necessary and that he would betray me or even kill me. I just. I can't."
"I never met him or know anything about your guy's relationship, but he must've changed in the future to do so."
"No people don't just change, there must have been something!" "That no one could've saved him from."
He just looked at me a shook his head. "Mmm mm! I could've!" I walked up to him and tried to reason with him.
"If the Sekan took his life that likely means it was his fate to hurt you whether he wanted to or not." "Then why kill him? If it was his fate to hurt me, why cut his life? Why kill him, by my hands? Why even have him born in the first place? " He was hurt.
"The sekan took him to spare you. Whatever it was he would've done would've been too much for you to bear, be it physically or mentally. His action would've caused your demise."
He just turned away from me. He didn't try to argue against my reason anymore and just listened to me. I gave him everything I knew about the beast.
Former vessels, their powers, the transformation, their history, and stories about how they came to be.
He suddenly sprang from the bed. "What time is it?" "Umm... it's" I looked up to my arm and used my painted fingers to move my moon tattoo it shifted to look like the moon outside.
"It's almost midnight." he just stared at my arm mouth gaped open. "What?" "What do you mean what? What was that that?"
"Magic?" "I'm not talking about the magic I'm talking about the painting on your arm. Did you paint that on yourself?" I looked at him in disbelief, laughing at his face of amusement and bewilderment, I showed him more of them.
"They're called tattoos, they're not exactly paintings. They're permanent, you ink them onto your skin using needles. Anyone can get them, many if not all witches have them. Makes casting spells easier."
"Woah. I've never seen them in real life, it seems much cooler than magic." I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "Why did you ask for the time anyway?"
His joy dispersed into a somber calm. "It's almost time." "I thought you said you didn't know when the transformation happens, it just happens" "That's true but it's typically around midnight that it happens."
I stayed silent for a moment. "It's an ugly and honestly embarrassing process that I don't want you to see." "But I need to converse with it." "Well, you'll know when the transformation is done cause you won't hear my screams anymore."
The words danced off his tongue like it was a joke. But his laughing quickly turned to a nervous cough when he saw my worrisome expression.
"I suggest it'd be best you left for a couple of minutes-" "Does it hurt you to transform?" He seemed uncomfortable at the idea of it, he swung his arms nervously before picking at the chains.
"Yes. Yes, it does." He said looking away from me as if in shame. I don't understand. The transformation should've been physically painless.
"What? Can, you describe it?" "I don't know how to. Umm, I guess it would feel like my entire body was being stretched and ripped apart."
This doesn't make any sense, is he a Sekan's vessel? I paced around a bit trying to understand.
There is no other creature able to take over a body and everything points to a sekan but the physical pain of the transformation should never happen.
"I don't want you here when it does happen. It's difficult to watch so please just go upstairs and wait." Something's wrong. I just nodded my head and walked out.
He was shutting the door, I looked back he seemed so sad. I pushed the door back open and hugged him.
He was shocked and so was I, but he was going to be in pain. "It's... it's going to be alright I promise." He hugged me and we stayed there for a moment.
Not a sound just our hearts beating. He pulled away and shut the door behind me. I walked up the stairs, slowly.
I know I said I would wait to give him his time to suffer without witness. But just because he wants it doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.
I stayed on the fourth step for what seemed to be a long time. I don't know what I was waiting for. Maybe to hear his cries? Maybe to hear him and rush back in? But I didn't hear anything.
"This looks so creepy." I insulted myself and began to walk up. I had a sickly feeling that grew with each step was it okay to leave him there alone?
I know it's what he asked and he decided it was the best and he is the future king. So I should listen to him. I made it to the courtyard, the feeling was now a wave constantly beating over me.
Fuck it.
I may reside in his kingdom but I'm a witch we know no kings. I pulled back the door and made my way back down the stairs. Which for some reason seemed to be much longer than when I came up.
The feeling was growing increasingly vexing with each step, I soon started running down the stairs. I raced to the bottom, I could hear sobs getting closer with each step
I jumped over the last two and bolted down the hall. "Kaeden!" I bearly stopped myself from sliding past his door. I grabbed the handle and flung it open. "Kaeden!" He was crouched over on the floor, grabbing at his arms. He raised his head to look at me.
"Eden?" I flinched back his left eye had bloody feathers coming out of every pore and his pupils were stretched and his eye was starting to grow over his face.
"What are you doing here?! I told you to leave!" His voice was layered with another more animalistic curl, but it just made his pain much more noticeable.
I rushed over to him. He tried to get up and walk away but quickly fell to the floor. "Please! I don't want you to see me like this!" His voice was filled with pain, I couldn't stand it. "I'm sorry but it's wrong to just leave you here to suffer alone.
Be mad at me all you want later but I won't leave you." I put my hand in his and let him squeeze it as hard as he needed. He was sweating like crazy.
Blood dripped onto my hand every second. He trembled with each new feather. I didn't know what I could do. I don't think I can do anything.
I started to panic when he started to scream out, he tried to stifle it every time but it didn't change the fact that his hands started to grow new bones.
I felt his skin break and his bones shift. I couldn't stand the feeling but it was more horrific to watch as it happened to his back.
Blood started to seep into his clothes, his skin started to shrink and harden into scales, I could feel feathers grow on his hands and see it started to replace his hair.
I could bearly catch my breath at the sight of his bone tearing through his skin. Breaking and mending themselves into a strange shape.
He had already bled some much it died my purple skirt to a violent red. "Please... leave..." his voice was just a broken sob; a tired whisper.
He was completely terrified. I felt tears on my face. I leaned over him and hugged him almost as if I was shielding him. Hard to shield him from his own body.
I broke down alongside him. "It's going to be over soon, real soon. I promise. It's going to be okay I'm right here. I'm not leaving." I could feel him shivering under me.
I could feel him gasping for air. I hear his bones moving in his body. I could hear his voice change with every sob. It was almost over. "It's almost over Kaeden" I was relieved we couldn't see each other's faces.
He wouldn't believe me if he could see how terrified I looked and I couldn't see what he was turning into. My tears pooled and soaked into the feathers on his back.
I felt drained but I could only imagine the pain Kaeden was going through. It was painful to just watch. I just stayed there telling him it was going to be okay as his screams override my voice.
I tightened my hold on him as I watched his blood flow from him to the crack under the door. I tried to listen to his heartbeat but I couldn't find it. After what seems like a lifetime.
His bones stopped moving, I couldn't feel any more blood flowing like a stream, and I didn't feel his skin transmute into scales and feathers pop through his skin.
I raised my head, blood had soaked through my hair dampening and staining my cheek. I looked at him.
He didn't even look human anymore. His body was covered in feathers, he had talons for nails, and his legs had grown extra joints not to mention he had grown twice- no three times his size.
He was bizarrely clean despite the pool of blood surrounding us. It would've been a straight blessing from Johi to be holding or even be this close to a Sekan beast; had its arrival been under normal circumstances.
I wiped away the blood from my face and took my arm away. I was suddenly jerked forward, it wrapped its hand on my arm. I tried to pull away but it dug its talons in my skin. I didn't hesitate to tie the thing down with vines.
the vines shot back out through the concrete and quickly made their way around the beast's neck and arms. The beast didn't take this lightly and started to stand. It pulled me close and tried to pick me up by my arm.
The plants grabbed at its legs and tried to knock it down but it stood its ground. The branch around his neck tightened forcing its head to rear up. it wasn't as monstrous as I had thought, it still had a semblance of a human face but it was not Kaeden's.
The eyes had a pattern similar to stained glass and the pupils were too large, I could see the reflection of my fear in its eyes. The neck was long it the vine had wrapped around it four times.
it clenched its jaw and bared its sharp jigsaw teeth as it struggled to breathe. I had a chance to tie it down and I didn't hesitate.
I reached out and commanded the plants to pull his knees down. It hit the ground after struggling for stability. I pulled away, its talons digging into my skin. I yanked myself free, its claws sliced open my hand and almost took my fingers off.
I grabbed at my arm the blood flowing through my fingers. the Sekan was grabbing at the branches at its neck breaking them. I didn't give it the chance to free itself before I flung it through the bed and into the wall.
The beast was shocked and angry. It expanded its size with its wings unfurling from its side, but the vines already bursting through the wall wrapped them up and bent them to be useless.
it was fighting for its freedom like a feral animal, and not a majestic beast of the gods like it was said to be. with each struggle, the vines multiplied and grew thicker.
I watched as it almost got completely consumed by the trees. I mended my flesh concentrated flame and glued my skin back together.
I looked back up and the thing was motionless. almost like it was dead. I motioned for the plants to release it. It collapsed to the ground choking for air. I went behind the door and locked it and called out to it through the bars.
"What are you?" The only response was coughs and the ruffle of feathers. "Answer me." It rose and stood still for a moment before cracking its neck downward to look me in the eyes. It was nauseating I grabbed at my neck, sure that if I tried that I'd die.
"You know what I am Witch of Rthytic." Its voice had a curl to it, a nasty freighting curl. I could hear Kaedens's voice mixed with it. "I know what u pretend to be. Sekans are beasts of the gods, you're just a beast." It chuckled before bending its neck back.
It kneeled at the door; it was still slightly larger than the door. its eyes still glimmered but its pupils were small and focused. "The gods are dead witch." I drew back from the door, it grinned slightly "At least they will be."
"What are you talking about!?" "Haven't you noticed how unfair things have been lately, never felt overwhelmed by the voiceless replies. I know you noticed how empty and gut-wrenching the tempels feel and you never wondered why?" I didn't know how to respond. I just stare at the beast.
"No. no what are you really, no Sekan would act such a way about the gods. nor would you cause your vessel so much pain." The beast stopped smiling and backed away from the door retreating into the shadows.
The lock suddenly clicked and the door opened. It spoke very coldly as it crouched through the door "The gods have abandoned their morals. They usurped Beseled, now the world will fall into chaos. There's a god slayer in this remele. this slayer is Kaeden Esmened the fourth, crowned prince of Jakqulies."
I froze as a ball built up in my throat. I tried to walk away but it grabbed my arm and forced me to listen.
"The gods know of Kaeden and want him dead. I forced my way into Kaedens soul to rid of future opposers. His physical pain is minor compared to what thousands would go through if I didn't get to him. Kaeden was never meant to be the great ruler he was meant to kill the gods" I pulled away. "let go." "You were also meant great things." "what."
"The Witch of Rthytic your name will be known far more than keadens. you will be the reason he is even remembered."
"What do you mean." it let me go and began to walk away. "I don't need to tell you, just watch the gods you commune with." I was confused, everything it told me was too much, how was I supposed to tell this to Kaeden?
I wouldn't be able to do it. I looked up and the thing was gone. I raced up the stairs to see it spread its wings on the roof of the courtyard. The wings were twice the size of its own body, so big it blocked out the moon.
Of every slayer that's ever lived, only one made it back alive, but even then their body had failed them, I can't let Kaeden leave like this. "Wait!" I looked over its shoulder.
If the gods are killed then there be a strange new age of human power, that will only lead to destruction. There has to be someone stronger to care for the weak.
"It- is there a way to make Kaeden," it looked at me and grinned, " a god." Its eyes widen and its lips curl. I would make Kaeden a god and inadvertently the beast too. It put its hand out. Kaeden fate was always twisted against him, his death was meant to be cruel and lonely. He would be fine with sacrificing himself for the greater good.
But he made a deal with a witch, he thrust his soul and the beast into my hands. Both will become gods for one to live. I dug my nails into its skin as we made our pledge to birth a new era.
Of chaos and love.

I haven't edited this, but here it is, all 9 pages, for your reading pleasure. I am very excited to hear your opinions on my critique, and what you thought about it. I loved the book, and I'm very ready to watch the movie in a couple days. I had so much fun reading it. Thank you for reading! -Ari
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An Analysis of Turtles All the Way Down, in lieu of the movie*,* from a feminist and communist perspective
When talking about mental illness, especially with a book like Turtles All the Way Down, one has to acknowledge the sense of isolation and feelings of catastrophizing that come with the mental health crisis brings. The first time you have a mental health breakdown, especially when you’re not a seasoned veteran, dealing with the first hospitalizations and medication stabilizations, one doesn’t know what to expect.
From personal experience, the book talks about the situation in a couple of weeks, but in my personal experience, it took months to stabilize myself, get my meds right, to leave the hospital, and I wasn’t “myself” again for another six months after leaving the hospital because the medication they had put me on had inevitably turned me into a zombie. But, of course, mental health journeys are not all the same, and not everybody’s experiences are the same. Sometimes, it takes longer, sometimes less.
But, I think it is worth talking about Aza’s journey from a literary standpoint from a communistic and feminist perspective because it talks about the human experience that real people find themselves in in the real world, in real circumstances, especially when it comes to the value of the mentally ill in society, the roles we place on our care givers and support systems around us, and the dangers of turning everyone around us into a caregiver (such as “caregiver’s fatigue” or “codependency”).
“I felt my stomach begin to work on the sandwich, and even over everybody’s talking, I could hear it digesting, all the bacteria chewing the slime of peanut butter- the students inside of me eating at my internal cafeteria”. (Green 2) When Aza talks a lot about her OCD, she mentions the idea of C.Diff bacteria eating away at her, and depersonalizing (not feeling like a real person, or being a fiction). I think it’s important to talk about the nature of her mental illness, about the symbolism of the disease because, in the context of the book, she technically is a fictional character, and that her fears are not unfounded in the sense that we are reading about a fictional character afraid that they’re a fictional character. And that there’s a strangeness in that there’s an awareness that she’s experiencing that maybe the other people around her aren’t experiencing, on some level that is perceived as mental illness, but is hyper alertness or hyper awareness.
The sense of depersonalization is the fact that she is being controlled by the writer, John Green, who wrote the book about her, and the sense that she is not in control of her actions is also, not unfounded.
So, there’s a sense of irony when describing her mental illness because it should be given with care and compassion because the irony is that, she is a fictional character, and the things she’s experiencing are real, and they shouldn’t be understated or devalued in any meaningful way in the same way that for a lot of mentally ill people the experiences that they have have value to them and what they are experiencing are real to them and what they are experiencing feel real to them.
“You know how old people lose all shame about eating, and it makes you puke to watch them? (Burroughs 6)”
“They can consume us like parasites, eat us, drink us, and leave us lifelessly prostrate. And yet we are always inviting the parasite as if we are eager to be drained and eaten. (Bellow 62)”
The thing about her friend, Daisy, which I found fascinating in the book is that, from a feminist perspective, although Daisy calls her “Holmsey” which refers to Sherlock Holms, Daisy is slated as a main character type who is always chatting away and leading the show and being the person who is leading in situations. In fact, it’s to the point that Aza turns Daisy into a mother figure and has her, at several points throughout the novel, direct her actions like her own mother does.
“And we will improve your mood until you are able to say three or even four words in a row; sound good?”
“Sounds good.”
“And then you can take me to work, Sorry, but I need a ride.” (Green 8)
There are several references to Daisy even being about the same physical statue as her mom, to the point that Daisy has physically reduced all the women in her life to one role: caretaker and sees them as one overseeing entity.
“Daisy was about my mom’s size…”. (Green 20)
This serves a purpose in that she feels incapable of being autonomous to herself because her mental illness has depersonalized her and made her out-of-control of her actions. It’s very much like she is like Mychal, who is physically described as a baby by Daisy (and, at first, is physically repulsed by the idea of being in a relationship with, but still gets into a relationship with him). Daisy is constantly taking care of the people around her. Her mother is constantly taking care of Aza, even to the point of, during her breakdown, carrying her from her bed to the bathtub, and back again, much like a baby.
And this is because society thinks, through the communistic perspective that mental illness renders us useless and infantilizes us. And, we see that several times throughout the novel that Daisy vents her frustration for Aza in her fanfictions by calling Ayala, the character that represents Aza, as “useless” which embarrasses Aza.
Capitalistic society demands that we constantly prove our worth and value to the system every day by proving our fitness, lest we become infantilized and are deemed “useless”. Though we will receive love, care, and support from those around us, the people who deem us mental ill might never see us as “normal” or “functional” to the needs and wants of the system in a way that is useful to the system.
Which is where Davis comes in as a very interesting character as well as the symbolism of the White River.
“The White River is beautiful in the abstract- blue herons and geese and deer and all that stuff- but the actual water itself smells like human sewage. Actually, it doesn’t smell like human sewage; it smells of human sewage, because whenever it rains, the sewers overflow and the collective waste of Central Indiana dumps directly into the river.” (Green 19-20)
We learn that the reason for the smell is Pickett’s Engineering mishandling funds to set up a tunnel system would handling the Sewage Retention Systems for when it rained in Indianapolis. Pickett got the money twice, for contracts that were mishandled, making him very rich, and through bribery, but the tunnels were never finished.
At the end of the novel, his body was found in the tunnels, dead, which is a strange fitting end for someone who tried to escape through tunnels that he was never able to complete, but also sad, because he had explained that he would try to outlive death by trying to leave his money to his pet tuatara.
It is the use of wealth in the novel that is very interesting from a communistic perspective because the mishandling of funds got Pickett his wealth, and destroyed the natural resources of the White River’s natural beauty, thus alienating the natural resources enjoyed by the citizens. But, at the same time, the tunnels that were unfinished later became co-opted as a guerrilla effort to beautify an ugly space that was mishandled by the bourgeoisie and average citizen to create an art space, in which Mychal showcased the seemingly popular “Prisoner 101” piece.
Also, the wealth that Pickett received from the mishandling of funds was later redistributed after his disappearance in smaller amounts to his children, unsuspecting bystanders of the affected nature of his actions, as well as Aza and Daisy for their silence, active bystanders in the investigation in the form of $100,000.
“We are about to live the American Dream, which is, of course, to benefit from someone else’s misfortune. (Green 23)”
The misfortune that Daisy and Aza had profited from was the disappearance (and later death) of Pickett himself.
“He freely gave to charity/ He had the common touch /And they were grateful for his patronage /And they thanked him very much /So my mind was filled with wonder /When the evening headlines read/“Richard Cory went home last night/And put a bullet through his head.” (Simon, Garfunkel)
But, it supported their college fund, and continued future that would assure their ability to have a more sustainable future without worry or care, a redistribution of wealth in the circumstance.
“But maybe the money is just part of me. Maybe that’s who I am. A moment later he added: What’s the difference between who you are and what you have? Maybe nothing. (Green 78)”. The struggle that Davis had was that he felt as though he weren’t good enough for Aza because of his wealth, that it made him inferior because it made him pompous, that because he because he only had material things to give her, especially in the eyes of her mother, that he was pompous, egotistical, and arrogant.
“They say love flies out the window when poverty comes in the door, but people get the sense backwards. (Dazai 81)” From the feminist perspective about Davis, he was the poorest person in the group because he lacked a mother figure, which is something that everybody else had, and that what everybody else was rich in, experience, which can’t be exchanged for material possessions, are one of the inalienable things, like people.
It’s why have been proven, in communistic theory to be important, though they aren’t necessarily providing a working function to the system because they provide intrinsic value elsewhere.
“The capital given in exchange for labor power is converted into necessaries, by the consumption of which the muscles, nerves, bones, and brains of existing laborers are reproduced, and new laborers are begotten … the individual consumption of the laborer, whether it proceed within the workshop or outside it, whether it be part of the process of production or not, forms therefore a factor of the production and reproduction of capital; just as cleaning machinery does. (Rivkin, Ryan 903)”
That’s quoting Marx, which places inherent value on women, though lesser value and seeing them as wives, mothers, and cleaning machines, as part of the labor force, just unpaid labor force.
The whole point is that Davis saw her as normal because he himself seemed to be struggling with mental illness himself, and that his wealth deemed him privilege to be seen as normal. And, a lack of a support system didn’t get him always the adequate care he needed in order to be taken care of, that he had to be a “strong man” or “man up” and take care of his brother and be the support system (thus, from a feminist perspective, it seems as though the infantilization of mental illness only falls towards women because we often ignore the problems of men’s mental health struggles).
And, as well, it seems as though, through this normalization that Davis did for her, he allowed her to be seen in a way that provided her support, and as well as giving her financial support was able to provide for her in a meaningful way in her future that would change her life and make it so that she was able to provide for herself, despite the fact that, at the end of the novel, she would see many future struggles, but she would be able to gain the autonomy she needed to be a fully fledged, realized human being in order to take care of the next generation.
“Merrick: Ladies and gentleman, thank you… for revealing yourselves tonight. I’ve always found that when I have had an audience, they learn nothing true of me.. But I see what’s real in them. And, if they are lucky, they go home a more honest version of themselves. (A beat.) Maybe that is only what I wish to believe… that my visage could bring some good… (a longer beat.) I’m tired. I’m so very tired. (Martin 50)”
I think there is a fine line of being seen with mental health struggles and being infantilized, and it’s so hard to walk it because most people are trying the best they can do to make people feel supported and loved. So, if you’re helping and supporting someone who has a mental illness, know that what you’re doing is the best you can, and it’s always appreciated. I know with my family they have made mistakes, but it’s what we all learn along the way.
I think my mom has said it best, “we are fragile, fallible creatures who are not perfect, we’re only trying our best with what we know at the time.” And nobody sees the value in you more than your support system. Though, turning everyone into your support system does have immediate benefits, there are problems with being infantilized and being resented, as shown in the book, and working through that to have healthy relationships that are more mature is the way that we work to undo those things in adulthood.
Works Cited
Bellow, Saul. Dangling Man. Penguin Classics. New York: 6 September 2006.a
Burroughs, William S. Naked Lunch. Grove Press. New York: 1959.
Dazai, Osamu. No Longer Human. New Directions Publishing. 1948. Green, John. Turtles All the Way Down. Kindle Edition. New York: 2017.
Martin, Del. The Elephant Man. Your Stage Partners. 2023.
Rivkin, J., Ryan, M. (20170123). Literary Theory: An Anthology, 3rd Edition. [[VitalSource Bookshelf version]]. Retrieved from vbk://9781118718384
Simon, Paul and Garfunkel, Art. “Richard Cory”. Sound of Silence. Columbia Records, 1966. Transcript of Lyrics.

So, me and a good buddy of mine, Hog Meat, were out in the middle of Mothman River fishin for channel cats in my old john boat. All of a sudden this most foul and putrid stench permeated the air around us. It were one of them REALLY bad stanks too, like the kind that makes yer eyes sting and get all watery. I immediately suspected that the smell’s genesis was in old Hog’s drawers, as he had been muchin on a truck stop burrito made up of goat and cheese and washing it down with Papst beer.
“Goddamn it, Hog!!! You gotta warn a fella before you go ripping muddy nukes in your drawers!!! That bout made me puke, you dirty sumbitch!!”, I said. But old Hog Meat just turned to me and said, “It weren’t me.” I retorted, “The hell it wasn’t, you no good sumbitch!!”, and picked up the paddle so I could crack his skull.
Just then came a blood curdling scream from the ridge above the river. Instantly, I knew what it was. It were one of them goddamn sasquatch!! Them sumbitches are known to inhabit this here valley, and they put off an odor that would make the Reverend Wilson slap his momma! That sumbitchin, mangy motherfucker must be up thar on that ridge spyin on us, I thought to myself.
See, them old sasquatch put off a putrid odor. That’s how you knowd they is in the vicinity. Some folks say it is some sort of furmoan they put off as some sort of self-defense mechanism. Or, it could be a wet old fart emanating from their hairy nethers from all of the rotten shit they eat. Or, it could just be that they don’t bathe. Whatever it be, it smells like microwaved dog shit!!
Well, we kept on fishing. I figured, “Fuck that damned old mangy beast!! He is not gonna fuck up my Monday fishing. I layed outa work down at the saw mill just so I could go fishin.” But if’n it moves closer or starts throwing rocks at us, then I would have to whip out my .44 magum and cut down on its ass. That is when the second toe curling scream erupted.
It was like “HOOWOOOOOWOWOWOOOOOWWWWWWOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”
Then it dawned on me. That weren’t no damned sasquatch. Old Hog Meat turned to look at me. We both knew something was off with that second scream. He said, “I don’t reckon that thar is one of them boogers. I think that is ….a…” Then I cut him off and completed his sentence, “Dogman!”
Even the word “dogman” sends chills up and down my spine. It am is a big old mangy mutt that looks like a wolf. They can be all black, or gray, or shit-stained brown. They stand up on their two hind legs and walk just like a man! They got them long ears that stands straight up on their haids with frilly little tufts of hair standing on the ends of them. They got them big old ferocious teeth, and glowing yellow eyes! They got no front legs. Instead, they gots them some arms and hands that looks like a tyrannosaurus rex! You know, thar hands kind of dangle out in front of them like some sort of fairy.
Those dogmen motherfuckers are pure evil! They ain’t good fer shit! Take sasquatch, for example. At least when you murder one of those monsters you can carve it up and slow cook it fer a couple of weeks and eat it. But them dogmen, shit, they is uneatable. When I kill one of them thar dogmen I usually just take em off and throw their corpses in a ditch on the side of the road. I tried burning their bodies at one time, but the smoke from the fire made me hallucinate. The last time I inhaled the smoke I wandered around butt-ass naked in the woods fer 2 solid weeks thinking I was Jesus Christ for squirrels. When I finally came to, I was down thar in Wendigo General Hospital. They found me in front of the Dairy Queen making love to a VW bug in the parking lot. They carted me on down to the hospital. They told me I was foaming at the mouth and dug 11 pine cones out of my ass. That were sum fucked up shit right thar! But I digress. Now, back to the story at hand.
Hog Meat had already unpacked his AR-10 rifle, apparently preparing to defend hisself. I said, “Hog Meat, put that damn shootin iron away, you shit head! Everbody knows that dogman don’t attack nobody when the sun is out! They wait fer dark. That old fuck is jest gonna pace around on the ridge top, howling and making an ass outa hisself until it gets dark. Then – and only then – he will skulk down to the water’s edge and make his attempt to murder us. But listen to me. By then we will be long gone!”
This made old Hog Meat feel better. It was about 2:00 pm at the time. I said, “Let’s just fish fer a couple more hours, then leave at 4:00 pm. The sun don’t set til 6:00 pm, and by then we will be back at my trailer cleaning these here catfish and sipping shine!” Hog Meat agreed, saying “Damn, son, you is right! Fuck that damned old dogfuck. Let’s git to fishin!”. I nodded in agreement.
Well, over the next couple hours we heard that sumbitch up there on the ridge, stalking around, back and forth, and occasionally howling. I am thinking to myself, “Shit fire!! What kind of hunter can this here dogman critter really be if it lets it prey know where it is at like this? What a fucking asshole!” But anyway, it did not matter none. We will be long gone soon enough. Then that old monster dog will have to be content to dine on road kill. Serves him right!!
Well, the next couple of hours the fishing REALLY turned on. We soon passed our limit of fish, but kept on a’fishin’ anyway. Fuck them game wardens!! Ha ha!! We was gonna have us enuff meat to put in the freezer! We just popped open a few more beers and kept fishing. Then, something terrible happened.
Hog Meat said, “Hey, I hate to break it to you, dude, but we are out of beer.” He looked at me, and I looked back at him. Then I spoke. “Goddamn it! I can’t fish without drinking beer!! I was so pissed that I picked up the boat paddle and flung it into the river. Next, I grabbed the tackle box and was about to sling it into the drink too, but Hog Meat stopped me just in time.
“Whoa!! Calm down, dude! It’s ok. It’s ok! I got something even better than beer!”, he said. My eyes grew bright and wide in anticipation. I asked, “You got some blow?!?!” Old Hog Meat shook his head no, then proceeded to pull out a half gallon of Jack Daniels. At first I was not very impressed. “Oh, its that fancy smancy, high-filutting store bought whiskey. Oh well, I guess if that is all you got …”, I said.
So we kept on fishing, passing the bottle back and forth between us. After a while passed we had filled up every stringer we had and every ice bucket we dun brung with us with catfish. We had to start throwing them down on the floor of the boat. But after a bit even that became ridiculous. It looked like it was bout time to stop fishin. “Well, hell, I guess we got to call it a day and git to skinning these here fish”, I said. Old Hog Meat was drunker than a drunk-ass skunk. Me, sure I was a little buzzed by the time we finished that bottle of store-bought hooch. But for the most part, I was fine. That damned old store licker ain’t high-proof enuff to twist my testicles, if you know what I mean. I decided to pull up the anchor.
As I was busy doing that, old Hog Meat had pulled out his AR-10 again and was blasting away at ducks flying by. I screamed, “WATCH IT! GODDAMN IT!! THOSE SHOTS ARE GOING RIGHT BY MY HEAD!!!!” He laughed and put the rifle down. “Fuck face!”, I said.
As I was bout ready to crank up the old Evinrude for the ride back to the boat ramp, old Hog Meat got a really serious look on his face. I figured he needed to shit. But that was not it. Instead, with a quivery voice Hog Meat said “What the fuck happened?!?” I said, “You is drunk! That is what fucking happint. You need to pull yerself together, brains-fer-shit!”
“No!! Look around!! It’s … dark! What happened?!?!?!”, he said. I replied, “It’s called night, motherfucker!! It’s what happens after the fucking sun goes down!!!.
Then it hit me. There’s a fucking dogman in the woods. After cypherin on this here predicament fer a moment I realized that the boat ramp was on the same side of the river as that infernal dogman. Hog Meat, now clutching his rifle, knowd it too. “Well, goddamn it!!! You forgot about that goddamned dogman in the woods, you hooch swilling sumbitch!!!!”, I said to Hog Meat.
“ME?!?!? What about YOU!!!!! You forgot it too!!! And you is the smart one!!!”, protested Hog Meat. He was right. I have about 30 IQ points on the old boy. Afterall, old Hog Meat still can’t figure out how his phone knows to ring right at the exact moment someone decides to call him. “It’s like it’s designed to do that, er something”, he says.
Well sir, we high tailed it to the landing. I told Hog Meat that I would load the boat on the trailer and that he had to stand guard with his rifle while I was doing that. Then we would dive into my truck get our asses outa there. He agreed.
When we got to the landing everything was going like clockwork. I was busy loading the boat and Hog Meat was standing guard like a champ. We was all loaded up and ready to skedaddle when headlights from on oncoming vehicle approached. Hog Meat got all excited. “IT’S THE DOGMAN!!!”, he yelled. I replied, “Shut the fuck up! Dogman don’t drive no truck, dumbass!”
In fact, it weren’t the dogman. It was the game warden. He got out of his green truck and walked over to us. “Hey thar”, he said. “Ya’ll been doin sum fishing out on the river today?” We said that we had, and then he asked to look in the boat. There were more than our legal limits just lying on the floor of the boat, and many, MANY more on stringers and in coolers. The warden said, “Well, it looks like you two boys had a good day on the river. But I hate to tell ya’ll this, but you is about to have a shitty night, cuz I is taking ya’ll to jail for poaching catfish!”
“Aww shit!”, I said. Hog Meat asked the warden if he could just let us off with a warning this one time. This seemed to rub the game warden the wrong way, as he pulled out his baton and started beating the shit out of old Hog Meat while telling him that you can’t catch and keep 300 “fucking catfish in one day of fishing!”
Then it happened. Quicker than the human eye can see, that damned old dogman shot out of the woods and flew by the warden, taking off his head with his razor sharp claws as he passed!!! Then it came by for another pass, scooped up the headless body, and took off with it into the woods. Then he, and the warden, were gone! Hog Meat was standing there in disbelief. I said to him, “Git in the goddamned truck, Hog Meat!! Let’s git outa here!!” Hog Meat hastily complied, and off we went!
The ride home was quiet. We were both a little bit in shock from what we had just witnessed at the landing. Finally, I reached into the glovebox and took out a Slayer cassette and put it into my truck’s tape player. The gentle shred calmed my nerves.
When we got back to my place, old Hog Meat looked like he was gonna puke. He started ambling off to his truck, as if to leave. “Where in the fuck do you think you are going?”, I asked. He turned and looked at me with a blank stare. It was as if his soul had left his body. “Git your fat ass over here and start helping me clean all these fish, fuckhead!”, I demanded. After a moment, he did as I said. He knowd I would throw a good beating down on his ass if he did not.
In about a half hour we wuz armpit deep in fish guts. Old Hog Meat looked over at me sheepishly and asked if we should tell someone what happened back at the landing, perhaps even call the police. I picked up a whole catfish and smacked Hog Meat over his head with it. “Fuck face, are you dumber than a dick?!?! Ain’t nobody gonna believe us if we tell them. The way I see it, that damned old dogman did us a real solid tonight. We got away with our hide and all of our fish!!! Otherwise, we would both be in the pokey tonight, cuddling with ‘Big Jim’ in lock up. Now shut yer yap and git to work!”
We finished up and called it a night at around 2:00 a.m. Hog Meat went home and I settled in with a nice jar of shine. Old Hog Meat was never the same after that night. He started staying to hisself and stayed real quiet around others. I reckon he dun up and got hisself a case of the dogman pussies.

I’ll try to keep this as short is possible.
So a few months ago, my husband and I decided to start trying for kids. It wasn’t ever something I thought I wanted from life. I have been babysitting since I was 12 (now 30) and never really wanted kids of my own; as most of my life I have been raising other people’s children. Kids were something we talked about for a while before I decided I did actually want them. A month later, I found out I was pregnant and was over the moon. We did a NIIPT test thru my OBGYN at 10 weeks and decided we weren’t going to announce it until the results came back and we could do the gender reveal with the announcement. We finally got the results and did the reveal, we were having a boy!!
That joy lasted 3 days.
On Valentine’s Day, I got a call from the OB saying my own testing came back and it showed I was a carrier for muscular dystrophy, something I knew nothing about. The doctor then asked if I knew what I was having. I happily said “a boy!!” There was a silence and the doctor told me: “sooo because you’re having a boy, there is a 50/50 shot that he has it”. We hung up and I instantly googled what it was. I was instantly devastated. I was referred to a high risk doctor at this point.
The following day we met with the specialist and I learned I would need to do an Amnio test to determine if the baby had MD or not. This test couldn’t be done until at least 15 weeks. So I waited 3 weeks for the test. It was painful, but not awful. I was told they would rush the results and that I would know within 2 weeks. FIVE weeks later I finally got the results as there was an issue with the lab.
Baby was positive for muscular dystrophy.
There was never a doubt in my mind that I would terminate instead of willingly letting my child have an entire life of terrible pain and suffering before passing away before he would reach 30 years old.
Because of the state I live in, we had to go out of state for the procedure. At 21 weeks, I was feeling him kick already. It had finally started to feel real.
It was a 3 day process. I don’t think I will ever forget the pain of having dilators shoved into my cervix. It was the worst pain I have ever felt. The first day they inserted 4. The second day they did 8. On the third day the actual procedure was performed. Thankfully I was under general anesthesia so I didn’t feel a thing (I was intubated and everything) . I had no cramping or heavy bleeding afterwards. The worst part was feeling like I was suffocating because I couldn’t take deep breaths or say more than a few words at a time because it hurt so bad. For three days I thought I was going to suffocate when I was sleeping because it hurt so bad to breathe. Everyone kept asking how I was. And the only word that seemed fitting was “empty”.
My stomach wasn’t hard anymore. My bump was gone. I wasn’t feeling him kick anymore. Emptiness was all I felt.
It’s been almost 4 weeks now.
My goal was to go one day without crying. After weeks of failure, i decided my new goal was to only cry one time a day. I have been doing okay with that. I had a recheck appointment with my doctor and was told everything is normal and I’m clear to go back to normal life.
So I had intercourse with my husband two days ago. It was awful for me mentally. The entire time I was mentally panicking that it was going to feel like the dilators were being inserted. I was panicking that I would get pregnant again. I didn’t say anything in the moment because I felt bad that we hadn’t been able to have sex for so long. (There was no pressure from my husband, I just felt bad). Since then, I have completely shut down.
I hate myself for giving my child muscular dystrophy. I hate myself for panicking during sex. I hate myself for changing my mind on having kids. I hate myself for taking away my husband’s chance of being a dad. I hate not feeling him kick. I hate being able to drink alcohol again. I hate waking up.
I haven’t eaten in 3 days. I can’t get myself to do it. I can only drink. Drinking makes me not think about my loss. For a short period of time anyways. But I wish I was dead. I wish I never woke up from the anesthesia. It’s taking everything in me to not start cutting myself again (I haven’t don’t it for 5 years, after doing it for almost 10). I find my self suffocating and literally having to remind myself to breathe multiple times a day. I finally went back to work and thought it would be helpful. But it’s made it worse. I am always the happy and positive one at work and I feel the pressure the continue that. Not that anyone expects me to be, but because I put that pressure on myself. My husband seems to be back to normal. So I try to hide my depression at home too. Even tho I feel so empty. Even tho I want to stop living. Even tho I never want to have intercourse again (thankfully my husband says he understands as I finally told him about the panicking and fear I have. )
I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t regret my decision. I know it was the best choice. But I didn’t think I would feel this way. I didn’t think I would have this much trauma from the process. I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know how to keep on living. I don’t know how to breathe.

👋 Hiya! I'm a neurodivergent introvert with social anxiety, looking for LGBT+ friendly gaming friends who I vibe well with on text and voice. I'm partnered and am only looking for platonic friendships. Lately, I've mainly been in the mood for WoW Retail/Classic, RuneScape, VRChat, Roblox, and HotS, but I'm also open to playing any of the games listed below!

• Personality: I'm silly, chill (maybe a little too chill for some folks, down-to-earth, and friendly. My energy level can bounce between 0 (sleepy cat) and 100 (sassy horse) depending on my social battery, what we're up to, and how comfortable I am with you. I'm empathetic and nurturing, even with people I barely know. I swear and crack d-ck and p-ssy jokes all the time. I'm honest and have very few filters.
• My sense of humor: smooth-brain, microwaved fart, head empty no thoughts, fever dream, Terri Joe, Cupcakke.
• Things we can do together: play games, share memes, just chill in vc while we're doing our own thing, talk about life/deep stuff, stream ourselves drawing, stream games, or watch something.
• My go-to music atm: Lofi, Synthwave, Future Funk, Kawaii Future Bass, Alternative Pop, Alternative Rock, Nintendo-like, video game OSTs, and anything that gives bad b-tch energy.
• Movies I never get tired of:, Spirited Away, Kiki's Delivery Service, Ponyo, Princess Mononoke, Castle in the Sky, The Secret World of Arietty, Shrek 1 & 2, White Chicks, Scary Movie 1, 2 & 5, Freaky Friday, Juwanna Mann, Hot Chick, Norbit, Coraline, Harry Potter 1 & 2, The Mitchells vs. The Machines, Epic Movie, A Haunted House.
• My Top 10 anime shows: Little Witch Academia, Fruits Basket, Death Note, Full Metal Alchemist, Inuyasha, My Hero Academia, That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime, Claymore (huge fan of the manga), Hellsing OVA, Elfen Lied.
• Availability: Generally between 2pm and 9:30pm PST during the week, and all day on weekends
• Requirements: Please be 18+, chill, non-toxic, and don't take games too seriously. I'm just wanna laugh and have fun :)
• Add me on disc: belugafairy

Other games I could be down to play sometime:

• Smite 2
• Rotwood
• Wobbly Life
• Minecraft
• Terraria
• Valorant
• OW2
• CS2
• Paladins
• DBD
• Sea of Thieves
• Palia
• ESO
• PixARK
• Deep Rock Galactic
• Stardew Valley
• LoL ARAMs and bot games
• Scrap Mechanic
• Valheim
• Astroneer
• No Man's Sky
• Core Keeper
• Don't Starve Together
• PvZ: GW2 & BfN
• Plateup
• Dungeon Defenders 2
• 7 Days to Die
• Project Zomboid
• Jackbox
• Fall Guys
• Apex Legends
• Ylands
• Witch It

I have extremely knotty muscles in my abdomen after injury and endometriosis surgery. I have tried abdominal massage, pain clinic steroid injections, laser therapy, and I do regular tai chi and qigong, but the muscle is still so painful and tough. The pain clinic said that the nerves are sending signals as if injury/endometriosis is still there, although it has been removed/healed. I think emotional trauma and anxiety doesn't help this. I am planning to see a TCM doctor when I can save up enough money, but in the meantime do you know of anything that can help this? Thank you!

• Sweat - I sweat too much
• Thirst - I feel unusually thirsty, I feel more attracted to hot drinks
• Appetite normal
• Digestion slow
• Urination frequent
• Pain - headaches, abdominal pain
• EENT - dry eyes, large tonsils, phlegm
• Mood - sad, anxious, changeable
• Sleep - insomnia, broken sleep
• Energy - low
• Skin - mixed, moist on face dry on body
• menstruation - past endometriosis, on hormonal coil, no children, past pregnancy
• PTSD, endometriosis, hypermobility, migraine, asthma, acid reflux

I began therapy on 3.4.2024
On the 24.4 had an allergic reaction ( fever , shivering fits, rash, headache and body aches) and ended up in the ER for seven hours. I immediately quit my meds.
Today 2.5.2024 I’m back to zero. Same symptoms and painful bloating in the upper abdomen.
How long does it take for the body to flush out the medication ?

Yesterday I started feeling bad around 5pm (started with a slight stomach ache, my phobia isn’t super SEVERE, so this wasn’t a panic trigger, I will usually just ride it out , maybe drink something to soothe the ache or just rest up) but then I lost my appetite and once I finished cooking dinner, I wasn’t really hungry and still feeling gross (I did try to eat a bit of steamed rice at least). But then towards the end of dinner I started getting bad stomach cramps. And that kind of left me confused and worried I was coming down with a SV. Although I was home all day (I’m a stay at home mom) and my mom came over in the early afternoon and brought us subs but I shared mine with my youngest daughter (she’s 18months) and she’s completely fine. My toddler is fine too. My mom too. And we all ate from there. For lunch I just had a veggie plate with ranch dip but my kids ate that with me as a snack and I wasn’t very hungry for lunch so I didn’t have anything else. I’m literally the only one sick.
All last night I had the cramps that kept coming and going in waves. If I tried to go to the bathroom, I could never go despite feeling like I had to. I tried sleeping it off and all night kept tossing and turning, I felt like I had chills but then felt too hot, just in and out of sleep with the cramps and back pain that developed that night randomly. Was the worst. Morning was the same and I had no appetite. Luckily my husband stayed home from work to be with our kids but I couldn’t get out of bed. Then around noon I felt bathroom urges again and this time I had d, had it twice in the span of 2 hours. And I still have the cramps. I tried drinking water and eating apple sauce after the first d but a bit after is when I felt the need to go again.
I guess my question is, has anyone had fp* and it didn’t cause you to tu? Just cramps and d?
Could I get this but not my kids since I literally shared my food with my youngest and everyone else ate from the same places but are fine?
Also I’m glad I’m. It tu* -knock on wood- but I’ve noticed d* kind of makes me nervous. Like almost makes me worried the other thing will happen. Anyone else feel like this?

SUPERCARD OF HONOR PPV
John Moxley vs Lance Archer
In a chaotic showdown that had fans on the edge of their seats, John Moxley and Lance Archer collided in a wild brawl. From the moment the bell rang, it was clear that this would be no ordinary contest. Moxley and Archer wasted no time in unleashing a flurry of punches, kicks, and high-impact maneuvers, each man determined to assert their dominance over the other.
As the match progressed, the intensity only intensified, with Moxley and Archer taking the fight all over the arena. Chairs flew through the air, barricades were demolished, and the announce table became a battlefield as the two competitors waged war with reckless abandon. The crowd was on their feet, caught up in the frenzy of the moment, as Moxley and Archer fought tooth and nail for supremacy.
In the end, it was John Moxley who emerged victorious after a pair of Death Riders!! Despite the brutal nature of the contest, there was a mutual respect between Moxley and Archer, both men acknowledging the other's toughness and fighting spirit.
The crowd chanted ‘Thank You Mox!!’ , as it is common knowledge he is leaving Ring of Honor at the end of the night.
Winner: John Moxley
…..
WOH WORLD TAG TITLE MATCH
CHAMPS: Sky Pirates vs Club Venus
The high-flying moves of the Sky Pirates continue to amaze the crowd, while the more grounded approach of Club Venus kept things on the mat at times. The chemistry between Io and Kairi was palpable, as they seamlessly executed their signature moves with precision and flair, demonstrating why they are reigning champions.
However, Mina Shirakawa and Mariah May of Club Venus are no pushovers, bringing their A-game and pushing the champions to their limits. They kept Io and Kairi on their toes, refusing to back down in the face of adversity. The back-and-forth action had the crowd on the edge of their seats, cheering for their favorites and marveling at the display of skill unfolding before their eyes.
In the end though, the champs retain in a thriller. The respect between both teams was evident, as the four made it known there would be a rematch.
Winners: Sky Pirates
…..
Imperium vs Ringkampf
In a hard-hitting tag team clash, Fabian Aichner and Axel Tischer squared off against the formidable duo of Timothy Thatcher and Marcel Barthel in a match that had the audience on the edge of their seats. From the opening bell, it was evident that both teams were evenly matched, each possessing a unique blend of technical prowess and raw power. Aichner and Tischer, known for their aggressive style, wasted no time in taking the fight to Thatcher and Barthel, unleashing a barrage of strikes and high-impact moves.
Thatcher and Barthel, however, proved to be a formidable challenge, utilizing their technical expertise to gain the upper hand at several points in the match. With Thatcher's punishing submission holds and Barthel's precision strikes, they kept Aichner and Tischer on their toes, refusing to back down in the face of their relentless assault. The back-and-forth action had the crowd roaring with excitement, as each near fall brought them closer to the edge of their seats.
In the end, it was Imperium who emerged victorious following a low blow by Tischer on Timothy Thatcher, behind the referee's back!!
Winners: Imperium
…..
ROH TV TITLE MATCH LAST MAN STANDING
CHAMP: Josh Alexander vs Damian Priest
In the electric atmosphere of a sold-out arena, Damian Priest and Josh Alexander stood face to face, the tension in the air was thick as Damian knew it was time to mete out justice to the man who had recently turned on him. The crowd roared with anticipation. As the bell rang, Priest and Alexander wasted no time, immediately launching into a brutal exchange of strikes.
Throughout the match, both Priest and Alexander showcased their incredible resiliency. Both men refusing to stay down despite the punishing blows they delivered to each other. Chairs were bent, tables shattered, and bodies crashed to the unforgiving mat, but still, neither man would yield.
As the match wore on, it was still not clear which man would emerge victorious. With each passing minute, Priest and Alexander dug deeper as the battle raged on with no end in sight.
In the final moments of the match, after an epic struggle that seemed to defy the laws of human endurance, it was Damian Priest who delivered the decisive blow. With an awe-inspiring display of athleticism and power, Priest executed his signature South of Heaven chokeslam through the commentary table!! Josh Alexander crashed to the floor in a heap.
WINNER AND NEW TV CHAMP DAMIAN PRIEST
…..
ROH TAG TEAM TITLES
CHAMPS: New Catch Republic vs The Creed Brothers vs Kings Combat
The New Catch Republic, as the reigning champions, enter the fray with a sense of determination and confidence. The Creed Brothers bring their brute strength and youthfull aggression to the ring, while Bryan Danielson and Claudio Castagnoli showcase their technical prowess and innovative maneuvers.
As the match unfolds, the intensity reaches a fever pitch as all three teams unleash their signature moves and tactics. The New Catch Republic demonstrates their seamless coordination and strategic execution, countering their opponents' onslaught with precision and finesse. Despite the Creed Brothers' power and youth and Bryan Danielson and Claudio Castagnoli's experience the champions prove to be a cohesive unit that cannot be easily overcome.
Winners: New Catch Republic
…..
WOH WORLD TITLE MATCH PARKING LOT BRAWL
CHAMP: Jamie Hayter vs Jordynne Grace
In a gritty showdown that took the wrestling world by storm, Jamie Hayter defending against Jordynne Grace in a parking lot brawl. The atmosphere was electric as the two fierce competitors clashed amidst the concrete jungle, each determined to emerge victorious and claim their stake in the spotlight. With no rules to constrain their ferocity, the battle raged on with unrelenting intensity, showcasing the resilience and tenacity of both athletes.
However, just when it seemed like Jordynne Grace might turn the tide in her favor, a sudden twist sent shockwaves through the crowd!! As Jordynne prepared to deliver a devastating blow, the audience gasped in disbelief as a debuting KAMILLE made her presence known with a thunderous chokeslam, sending Jordynne crashing onto the unforgiving hood of a nearby car!! The unexpected interference not only turned the tables in Jamie Hayter's favor but also signaled the arrival of a formidable new force in the wrestling scene.
As the dust settled and Jamie Hayter emerged victorious, the wrestling world was left buzzing with anticipation for what the future held for these fierce competitors and the enigmatic newcomer, Kamille!!
Winner: Jamie Hayter
…..
MAIN EVENT ROH WORLD TITLE MATCH STEEL CAGE MATCH
CHAMP: Seth Rollins vs Jay White vs Malakai Black
In a heart-pounding triple threat match that brought the audience to its feet, Seth Rollins, Malakai Black, and Jay White faced off in a high-stakes showdown that promised chaos and delivered even more. The arena was buzzing with anticipation as all three competitors made their grand entrance, each receiving a roaring welcome. Early on, the action was non-stop, with each wrestler showcasing their unique styles and strategies. Rollins used his agility and technical prowess, Black his striking and unorthodox movements, and White his cunning and manipulation to try and gain the upper hand.
As the match progressed, alliances were briefly formed and quickly shattered, with each competitor looking for any advantage to secure the win. Malakai Black seemed to gain momentum, utilizing his striking ability to incapacitate Rollins temporarily, and using psychological warfare against White. However, Seth Rollins proved his resilience, fighting back fiercely, executing a spectacular sequence of Sling Blades followed by a crushing Superkick to White, regaining control of the match.
As Seth went for the cover on Black, Jay White quickly recovered, capitalizing on the fact that Seth was no longer concerned about him. He grabbed him and hit a sudden Blade Runner!!! White covered Rollins for the pin, and the referee counted three, awarding Jay White a decisive victory. As White celebrated his victory, the crowd was left chanting Seth's name as he slowly walked up the rampway where he meets John Moxley and the show ends as the pair thank the crowd for everything.
WINNER AND NEW ROH WORLD CHAMPION: Switchblade Jay White
…..

Help!
I have been on a spiral of trying to figure out why i feel like garbage. It started since i was a child but more recently last year it intensified. I got diagnosed with pots. I have a slew of issues. But i got super sick in October which i think kick started another auto immune. Preface: i have psoriasis and auto immune is in the family. I got weirdly sick for a week. After that i had the tingly in my head for weeks and this intense arm pain around my joint. I have had various joint pain and joint lock up before. So I’ve been on the journey and i just can NOT find help!! Here is my symptoms and blood results please someone help!
Low ANA positive, cytoplasmic speckled. Positive sjorgens B antibody. Almost no b12 in body. Low vitamin D. Low WBC AND total lymphocytes. Rheumatoid factor in body <10 out of <14 to be positive.
I have excruciating joint pain, hand stiffness at night, tingles in tongue and hand and fingers, bad muscle pain where i can’t even touch the area it hurts, my armpit has been burning by lymph nodes, dry eyes where i thought i had a blinking tick my whole life, dry mouth, heavy fatigue i cannot do anything at all anymore, IBS, and i have a hard time sleeping i was even referred to a sleep doctor.. i have had a history of infection, low fever and swollen nodes all the time.
And i also noticed a bump under my thyroid but it doesn’t show up on ultrasound even tho you can feel it.
I feel like I’m running in circles and i feel like sh*t and no one will help me with ANYTHING. I get told I’m fine! What does the lab results mean in correlation to my pain!!

Hi! I got my results back today after waiting ELEVEN DAYS after the results were sent to my douche head doctors office and they read them and I've called and spoke with the nurse even and she didn't give them. So, I physically had to go to the main hospital radiology office to get them myself so of course I'm changing doctors offices. But, it says my liver is 16.3 cm and everything else is normal besides having "mild to moderate hepatic steatosis". I freaked when I saw it and called my wife and she chilled me out but what should I do? I have PCOS but normal blood sugar levels...etc. so I've been changing my entire diet for the past 2 months to nothing but organic/clean/fresh foods and even 80% gluten free also. My fitness is non existent but that's the next goal. Am I on the right track? I just don't want to make my pain worse and just let it go, ya know? I'm really getting down to business now after so many years of neglect. I'm proud. But scared and have no idea what to do next. Anything help you guys quickly and safely lose weight? Anything your doctor did that helped you?

Everyone tells me “just work harder” “do more and you’ll be happy.” “You’re sad? You’re not working hard enough.”
But I’ve been working harder than ever before and I’m just as if not more miserable.
I got straight As. Every single class. I don’t feel smart or proud or accomplished. My parents don’t seem proud. I don’t even want a traditional career so it feels pointless. I mean. The work is easy asf but the amount of it is beyond tiring. If anything they’re nicer to my brother with straight Ds who they drop 1000$s on. So the As don’t seem to have any positive effect outside of not being constantly punished and banned from going out. Nobody says they’re “proud of me”. Maybe it’s because they expect it from me as the older sister. While he’s the baby of the family.
I got the job I wanted. Now I have no time off because I work all weekend. Yeah, it pays well. But I have no energy to enjoy the extra $ or do anything fun w it like go to the mall. I just sleep with my free time.
I started the gym. My antidepressants have caused weight gain and really stunted my progress. Legs are jacked but I’ve hardly made a dent in my waist despite that being half of my workout and 90% of the post workout pain. I lowered my dose and I’m finally losing weight but at the price of my emotional stability. I mean- I’m less apathetic which is nice. I actually feel like socializing could maybe be worth a try because I don’t feel complete apathy to it but I’m also more unstable than I was a month ago. I sob my eyes out nearly everyday. Been trying to eat better but now I just feel extreme guilt everytime I eat anything that’s not salad. I hate my body more than ever before and this was supposed to make me “feel confident” according to my parents. It also makes me hungrier and hungrier and my self control has somehow gotten worse the more I try. I end up binging.
I started the guitar like I wanted. I mean I’m improving but slowly asf because I don’t have time to practice outside of my weekly lesson. I could make time if I didn’t need 14 hours of sleep to feel halfway decent.
I cleaned my terrible depression room that looked like a pig Pen. I mean it’s spotless. Temporarily satisfied but it’s not like I have friends to invite over so it doesn’t really matter. I lost them all when I had a friend scream and spit on me because my online friend made one rude joke. I apologized profusely but when they basically said I needed to fix my meds if being screamed at made me cry I couldn’t see them the same anymore. And I no longer have a desire to make friends after that.
I’ve gotten better at driving and could probably get my license if I wanted but I have terrible anxiety on the road which kills my desire to. My parents have started to put a lot of pressure on me regarding it.
All of my electronics are taken away if I take one sick day as result of the constant exhaustion. Or if I even dare to cry before school because it “gives them anxiety”
I’m doing everything I was told and I’m not happy. Why? :(( I’m trying SO hard. Despite everything in me wanting to give up. I’m so tired it’s getting to the point I forget to shower and take care of myself. Which says a lot given I have severe contamination ocd and hate germs. Straight As, Gym, Guitar, working every weekend, trying therapy, and it’s just not working.

I have been on a spiral of trying to figure out why i feel like garbage. It started since i was a child but more recently last year it intensified. I got diagnosed with pots. I have a slew of issues. But i got super sick in October which i think kick started another auto immune. Preface: i have psoriasis and auto immune is in the family. I got weirdly sick for a week. After that i had the tingly in my head for weeks and this intense arm pain around my joint. I have had various joint pain and joint lock up before. So I’ve been on the journey and i just can NOT find help!! Here is my symptoms and blood results please someone help!
Low ANA positive, cytoplasmic speckled. Positive sjorgens B antibody. Almost no b12 in body. Low vitamin D. Low WBC AND total lymphocytes. Rheumatoid factor in body <10 out of <14 to be positive.
I have excruciating joint pain, hand stiffness at night, tingles in tongue and hand and fingers, bad muscle pain where i can’t even touch the area it hurts, my armpit has been burning by lymph nodes, dry eyes where i thought i had a blinking tick my whole life, dry mouth, heavy fatigue i cannot do anything at all anymore, IBS, and i have a hard time sleeping i was even referred to a sleep doctor.. i have had a history of infection, low fever and swollen nodes all the time.
And i also noticed a bump under my thyroid but it doesn’t show up on ultrasound even tho you can feel it.
I feel like I’m running in circles and i feel like sh*t and no one will help me with ANYTHING. I get told I’m fine! What does the lab results mean in correlation to my pain!!

I've been in the middle of this field surrounded by the forest for a long time, and a light wind has been blowing and no birds were singing which meant the thing was close. As I readied my old m-48 and turned the safety off.The men in black didn't like that I used this gun.
They always said it was out of date and inadequate for my job, offering me other more advanced rifles. But I always turned them down. This old m-48 was reliable and had served me well over the years. I took a long breath as I prepared to fight with a creature that you would only see in nightmares. This wasn't my first job but I'm becoming too old for this.
The creature I was supposed to eliminate was some sort of monster that was part of the local folklore. As I look at the file that was given to me by the men in black. The creature was a humanoid resembling a bald man who walked on all fours and was so thin that his ribcage was visible. The locals called him the Laughing Demon.
The few surviving victims recounted that they heard an evil laugh coming from the woods before being attacked by the creature. It killed several people over the years including a few kids who were exploring the woods at night.
The government always covered up these incidents by claiming that were bear attacks. As for the survivors of these attacks, their memories were wiped, and they were told how they survived a bear attack.
I usually don't get personally invested in these jobs but I just think of those poor kids who were killed by this creature. The CSIs could hardly gather what was left of them so they could identify them. I couldn't wait to return this creature to hell.
I started hearing laughing in the distance, it was coming from the forest. And then I heard it run as it broke branches and stepped over leaves revealing its movement. It was running around me just behind the tree line of the footrest as I stood in the middle of the field. It probably thought that I was scared of it as its laughing increased. But I was calm and was ready. I followed the creature with the barrel of my rifle.
It was moving fast like a horse. As it ran around, it decided to rush towards me. I saw the creature now in full. It had this disturbing grin on its face as it charged at me. I waited until it came closer I only had enough time for one good shot.
As the creature dashed towards me, I aimed for its head and pulled the trigger.
The loud bang from my rifle echoed in the forest, and the laughing stopped. I thought I got it but to my horror, it was still alive. The bullet hit its lower body, and its legs went limp on the ground.The creature was standing on its arms as the lower part off it's bony body and legs were incapacitated .
It must have tried to pounce on me right before I fired. Blood was gushing out of its lower body but it didn't seem to care about the damage it had received it was still grinning. It seems to not feel pain I thought. It was too close to me to have time to reload and fire my rifle as it swiped its claws at me. I reeled back to try to avoid the strike but it managed to get my chest. Luckily I was wearing a kevlar vest but it only minimized the damage as it still managed to cut though it and make contact with my flesh.
I stood up and pulled out my dagger,it was given to me by the man in black ,long ago back when started out in this calling,it was made out of some kind of meteorite.Adreneline pumped through me as i Ina single motion slashed at the creature's arms before stabbing it through its jaw.It fell on the ground. I immediately cut off it's head . It was a safety precaution as some creatures won't stay down until there head is cut off.And I didn't want it to rise up again and get a jump on me.
I called the men in black over to come pick up the body.And in about half an hour I heard a helicopter.And saw it over me as it landed on the field a couple of agents in hazmat suits jumped out and put the creature in body bag and loaded it on the helicopter and flew away.
I patched myself up and headed home.I tried to think that i did good by removing this creature frome the face off earth.But i knew that this wasn't the last job i will receive because my job is never done.

So this this guy I’ve been talking to 19M for about 3 months has been showing me 19F so many mixed signals and im not sure what he really feels. We met through my brother and had been talking for a little before we decided to have sex. he told me i was the best he’s ever had, and the only girl to make him n*t. we had been off and on texting and it was starting to bother me bc i wanted consistency. he had already made it known that he didn’t want a relationship. i didn’t want one either considering i had still been talking to my ex, working on getting back together since he cheated. i had been conflicted for a while on wether I wanted to get back together with him, and considering he was unfaithful twice it made me want to have fun and not block myself from possibilities.
so i told myself that i was going to reach out to him to tell him how I felt about the inconsistencies, and to ask him what he wanted from me. he explained that he was doing a lot of thinking and he didn’t want to be romantic with anyone anymore and said that he is in love and trying to love himself at the same time so he feels that he needs to stop having sex and focus on himself. a small part of me was hurt by him being in love but I came to the realization that I’m also in the same situation so I couldn’t be upset or jealous because then I’d just be crazy.
I told him that i understood and we didn’t have to have sex anymore and we since haven’t. I asked him what he wanted from me, because I didn’t want to stick around where I wasn’t wanted. But he made it clear that he still wanted to be around me but just as friends. I was okay with it, a little sad bc i liked him but content.
Since then we had been off and on texting again, but yesterday we talked the whole day, and he asked me if I wanted to FaceTime him. I got so giddy(not sure why) and we called. We talked for hours and fell asleep together, woke up together and talked for hours again. We only stopped in the middle of the day because my sister called but if she hadn’t we would’ve ukve stayed in the phone the whole day. :3 he called me again earlier tonight and we talked some more, he showered with me on the phone, we were chilling and then he went to sleep. I’m currently typing this while he’s sleeping. But that’s two nights we slept together and have been talking. I just want to know if I’m delusional but he likes me...
And it’s not even just us sleeping together but also the stuff he’s been saying. Randomly he was looking at me calling me pretty. Telling me how soft my body is, how he really liked holding and cuddling me. That we’d make pretty babies together. I sent him a funny meme that said “you want to get married and have a cat with me so bad” and he tells me the cat he wants. I asked him “oh so you wanna marry me and get a cat together?” and he said would that be so bad. He went into detail about the specific things he fount attractive about me and it was all my face. He said he liked my cheeks, my nose, my freckles. He invited me over to his house to finish stranger things because we both stopped watching it around the same time. I told him we weren’t having sex and that I was on my period and he still wanted me there.
Yes this is all the bare minimum I’m aware , however I was told that we should be friends and there’s no possibility of a relationship, we were purely sexual so why is he being this way? And am I delusional in thinking he likes me?