Pain olympics the original
Crazy Ideas
2011.07.22 05:27 Pravusmentis Crazy Ideas
Is your idea too crazy to work? So crazy it might work? Perfect.
2008.03.13 11:23 Interesting Pictures
/Pic: Interesting pictures. No click bait.
2019.03.23 16:38 brEd4batter Third Sentence Forced
Ever see an addition to a Two Sentence Horror Story that just tries too hard? Post a screenshot with the original post included so we can share your pain.
2024.05.17 10:58 Mike-E-angelo Anyone Else with Large Blazor Solutions? Do You Also Suffer Long Build Times?
2024.05.17 10:17 Complete_Raisin801 Please help
A few weeks back, I started to get some dull aches in my left testicle, nothing too bad but pretty uncomfortable. This was following sex, where she sucked on my testicle, which at the time hurt pretty bad for around 30 seconds then was okay. For 2 days after this I got some dull aches. The following day after that, it began to swell and pain when walking but not particularly when sitting or lying down.
Went to the doctors, they said if it gets worse, go straight to the hospital but take anti inflammatory like ibruprofen for a bit to see if that helps. Around 4 days later, no change and swelling was still there. My left testicle is around 2.5-3x larger than my other.
Was given 2 weeks of doxycycline in the mean time but also had an appointment for an ultrasound. Tested positive for STI and ultrasound showed up having an enlarged spermatic tube causing the issue.
Around 5 days into the doxy, it all started settle a little apart from the swelling, thatβs stayed the same but I was able to return to work after a while. After completing the course of antibiotics I was still pretty okay other than the odd ache every now and again.
I then made the silly mistake of having a few drinks which was the worst decision ever. Woke up 2 hours later in agony and couldnβt sleep all night. Iβm guessing the alcohol had made it much worse. Iβm now 2 days on from it, no pain particularly when lying or sitting but literally cannot stand up or walk to the bathroom without being in massive pain in my lower left stomach.
Can anyone help or offer advice? This is really starting to affect me now.
Edit: So originally I thought it was due to trauma, as it feels like a nerve shooting down my stomach. But then tested positive for an STI. Could this be a mix of the 2? I thought if it was an STI it wouldβve cleared up with the 2 weeks of antibiotics
submitted by
Complete_Raisin801 to
chronicepididymitis [link] [comments]
2024.05.17 08:57 Titanium_Espresso Homeopathy works ?
Last year I got a foot corn ( ΰ€ΰ₯ΰ€ΰ€°ΰ₯ ) on the side of my right foot, it was very painful so I told my mom and she insisted on showing it to a homeopathy doctor and I am very opposed to parallel medicine so I tried to refuse but she still took me to a homeo doc. I got the tablets and started using them and in about 2 weeks the pain was very much reduced but then for some reason I dropped them for a month and then the pain resurfaced and back to its original state.
Then again my mum took me to the same doc and again I started the treatment ( same tablets ) and in about 6 weeks the problem was completely solved, no hardened skin, no pain, everything was perfectly fine and it never even came back.
I am not trying to promote homeopathy but I want to know a logical reason why this might have happened, not once but twice the same sugar tablet was effective.
submitted by
Titanium_Espresso to
scienceisdope [link] [comments]
2024.05.17 08:53 Tvt-pin17 Is this normal
I am 3 days post op from a L4/5 microdiscectomy My original troublesome leg nerve is fantastic / no pain atal But last couple days the other leg has been slowly causing some discomfort (glute and hip pain and a little shin and knee pain here and there) this morning the glute pain seems more prominent And I'm just concerned that I'm having siatic issues with the other leg now Could this be something as simple as : Pain caused by finally walking strait again and using the other leg to support/ do a lot of the work recently after the op ?
Or is it possible that the nerve on this leg got irritated and it will settle and is normal ?
I'm just super paranoid about flare ups and re herniating is my worst nightmare literally
So any words of encouragement would be great or suggestions as to if this is normal experiencing nerve things on other leg due to the surgery
submitted by
Tvt-pin17 to
Microdiscectomy [link] [comments]
2024.05.17 08:46 Doveen My tooth just got a filling yesterday. By the evening it became very sensitive to pressure. Will that pass?
I dont know the first thing about fillings. A huge chunk of my tooth in question is missing, what remains lf its original material is a horse shoe shape. The inside of the horse shoe got filled with white stuff that looks like natural tooth material and hardens to UV light.
It worked fine initially, but by dinner, even chewing the soft bun of a burger came with immense discomfort bordering on pain.
My tooth only does this to pressure, no heat or anything else.
Will this pass in time?
submitted by
Doveen to
askdentists [link] [comments]
2024.05.17 08:38 Furystorm [WTS] Furystorm's boutiqueβ’ (β Ν‘β ΝΚ Ν‘β ) Galaxy's Finest (β Ν‘β ΝΚ Ν‘β ) βͺ Game packages (SQ42 & LTI & starter) βͺ Banu Cube/Tholo βͺ LTI Pioneer, Orion, Carrack, Merchantman, Hull A/B/C/D/E, Vindicator, others β
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New players - use this code (STAR-MRG5-2TBJ) on registration to get additional 5000 UEC for free!
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Currencies accepted: PayPal: [$] [β¬], Skrill (+10%): [β¬], Crypto(+5%): BTC, BCH, ETH, can take others
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Upgrades
Item | Price, $ |
Banu Tholo code | 80 |
Banu Lockbox (Banu Cube) code | 100 |
Mole to Merchantman | 199 |
Starfarer Gemini to Merchantman | 189 |
C2 Hercules to Carrack | 139 |
Valkyrie to Carrack | 169 |
Constellation Aquila to Orion | 219 |
Starfarer Gemini to Hull D Upgrade | 109 |
Constellation Andromeda to Hull C Upgrade | 139 |
Anvil Terrapin to Hull C Upgrade | 179 |
F7C-R Hornet Tracker to Constellation Taurus | 39 |
Corsair to 400i Warbond Edition | 12 |
Hull E to Polaris | 50 |
Ship Upgrades - Drake Kraken Conversion Kit | 799 |
PAINTS - PERSEUS - THUNDERCLOUD PAINT | 31 |
Stuff
Item | Price, $ |
CitizenCon 2951 Digital Goodies | 9 |
Gemini LH86 Pistol - Voyager edition | 6 |
Kruger P-72 Emerald | 105 |
RSI VENTURE PATHFINDER ARM ARMOR | 10 |
RSI VENTURE VOYAGER ARM ARMOR | 10 |
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βΊ4β GAME AND SHIP COMBO PACKAGES
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Game package can be upgrade as well on your demand, price negotiated
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βΊ5β LTI STANDALONE SHIPS
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CCU-d ships are upgraded from another ship. Also I have ships from original sale - they may come with different bonuses but are more expensive.
You can click on the price of original sale item to see it's contents.
Ship manufacturer | Ship model | Insurance | Price (CCU-d), $ | Price (Original sale), $ |
Aopoa (Xi'an) | Khartu-Al | LTI | 179 | - |
- | Nox | LTI | - | 77 |
- | Nox Kue | LTI | - | 77 |
- | San'Tok.Yai | LTI | 231 | - |
Aegis Dynamics | Avenger Titan | LTI | 74 | 100 |
- | Avenger Titan Renegade | LTI | 95 | 111 |
- | Avenger Stalker | LTI | 84 | - |
- | Avenger Warlock | LTI | 100 | - |
- | Eclipse | LTI | 305 | 333 |
- | Gladius | LTI | 116 | - |
- | Gladius Valiant | LTI | 132 | 147 |
- | Hammerhead | LTI | 672 | 777 |
- | Hammerhead Best in Show Edition | LTI | 746 | - |
- | Nautilus | LTI | 672 | - |
- | Reclaimer | LTI | 336 | 550 |
- | Reclaimer Best in Show Edition | LTI | 429 | - |
- | Redeemer | LTI | 333 | - |
- | Retaliator Bomber | LTI | 284 | - |
- | Sabre | LTI | 184 | 221 |
- | Sabre Comet | LTI | 195 | - |
- | Vanguard Warden | LTI | 263 | 357 |
- | Vanguard Harbinger | LTI | 289 | - |
- | Vanguard Sentinel | LTI | 268 | - |
- | Vanguard Hoplite | LTI | 231 | 268 |
- | Vulcan | LTI | 216 | 242 |
ARGO Astronautics | MPUV Cargo | LTI | 74 | 84 |
- | MPUV Personnel | LTI | - | 89 |
| Raft | LTI | 142 | - |
- | SRV | LTI | 165 | - |
- | Mole | LTI | 321 | - |
- | Combo Pack | LTI | - | 111 |
Anvil Aerospace | Arrow | LTI | 95 | 137 |
- | C8X Pisces Expedition | LTI | 69 | 79 |
- | C8R Pisces | LTI | 84 | - |
- | Carrack | LTI | 420 | - |
- | Carrack W/C8X | LTI | 440 | - |
- | Carrack Expedition | LTI | 447 | - |
- | Carrack Expedition W/C8X | LTI | 468 | - |
- | Crucible | LTI | 369 | 431 |
- | F7C Hornet | LTI | 121 | - |
- | F7C Hornet Wildfire | LTI | 189 | 210 |
- | F7C-S Hornet Ghost | LTI | 140 | - |
- | F7C-R Hornet Tracker | LTI | 155 | - |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet | LTI | 199 | 252 |
- | F7C-M Hornet Heartseeker | LTI | 200 | - |
- | Gladiator | LTI | 177 | 221 |
- | Hawk | LTI | 116 | 132 |
- | Hurricane | LTI | 210 | 231 |
- | Terrapin | LTI | 231 | 263 |
- | Valkyrie | LTI | 357 | - |
- | Legionnaire | LTI | 132 | - |
Banu | Merchantman | LTI | 399 | - |
- | Defender | LTI | 226 | 237 |
Consolidated outland | Mustang Beta | LTI | 95 | - |
- | Mustang Gamma | LTI | 74 | - |
- | Mustang Delta | LTI | 84 | - |
- | Pioneer | LTI | - | 1499 |
Crusader Industries | Ares Inferno | LTI | 252 | - |
- | Ares Ion | LTI | 252 | - |
- | Genesis Starliner | LTI | 357 | 578 |
- | C2 Hercules | LTI | 368 | - |
- | M2 Hercules | LTI | 483 | - |
- | A2 Hercules | LTI | 735 | - |
| C1 Spirit | LTI | 137 | - |
| E1 Spirit | LTI | 163 | - |
| A1 Spirit | LTI | 210 | - |
- | Mercury Star Runner | LTI | 273 | - |
Drake Interplanetary | Dragonfly Yellowjacket | LTI | - | 84 |
- | Dragonfly Black | LTI | - | 84 |
- | Dragonfly Ride Together Two-Pack | LTI | - | 126 |
- | Buccaneer | LTI | 126 | 142 |
- | Caterpillar | LTI | 336 | - |
- | Caterpillar Best in Show Edition | LTI | 347 | - |
- | Corsair | LTI | 263 | - |
- | Cutlass Black | LTI | 126 | - |
- | Cutlass Black Best in Show Edition (2949) | LTI | 137 | - |
- | Cutlass Steel | LTI | 221 | - |
- | Cutlass Red | LTI | 142 | - |
- | Cutlass Blue | LTI | 168 | - |
- | Herald | LTI | 111 | - |
- | Vulture | LTI | 158 | - |
Esperia | Vanduul Blade | LTI | 284 | 326 |
- | Vanduul Glaive | LTI | 373 | - |
- | Prowler | LTI | 399 | 510 |
- | Talon | LTI | 132 | - |
- | Talon Shrike | LTI | 132 | - |
Gatac | Railen | LTI | 242 | - |
Greycat Industrial | ROC | LTI | 77 | - |
Kruger Intergalactic | P-72 Archimedes | LTI | - | 90 |
- | P-72 Archimedes Emerald | LTI | - | 105 |
Mirai | Fury | LTI | 69 | - |
- | Fury MX | LTI | 69 | - |
- | Fury LX | LTI | 69 | - |
MISC | Endeavor BASE | LTI | 378 | - |
- | Endeavor DISCOVERY-CLASS | LTI | - | 683 |
- | Endeavor Master Set 2018 | LTI | - | 1399 |
| Expanse | LTI | 168 | - |
- | Freelancer | LTI | 121 | - |
- | Freelancer DUR | LTI | 147 | - |
- | Freelancer MAX | LTI | 163 | - |
- | Freelancer MIS | LTI | 184 | - |
- | HULL A | LTI | 99 | - |
- | HULL B | LTI | 147 | - |
- | HULL C | LTI | 357 | - |
- | HULL D | LTI | 462 | - |
- | Odyssey | LTI | 578 | - |
- | Razor | LTI | 163 | 179 |
- | Razor LX | LTI | 168 | - |
- | Razor EX | LTI | 174 | - |
- | Prospector | LTI | 163 | 179 |
- | Reliant Kore (Mini Hauler) | LTI | 84 | 105 |
- | Reliant Tana (Skirmisher) | LTI | 95 | - |
- | Reliant Mako (News Van) | LTI | 121 | - |
- | Reliant Sen (Researcher) | LTI | 105 | - |
- | Starfarer | LTI | 315 | 399 |
- | Starfarer Gemini | LTI | 347 | 452 |
Origin Jumpworks | X1 Baseline | LTI | - | 69 |
- | X1 Velocity | LTI | - | 74 |
- | X1 Force | LTI | - | 79 |
- | M50 | LTI | 121 | - |
- | 85X | LTI | - | 79 |
- | 100I | LTI | 74 | 95 |
- | 125A | LTI | 79 | - |
- | 135C | LTI | 84 | - |
- | 300I | LTI | 77 | - |
- | 315P | LTI | 77 | - |
- | 325A | LTI | 93 | - |
- | 350R | LTI | 137 | - |
- | 400i | LTI | 265 | - |
- | 600i Touring | LTI | 399 | 525 |
- | 600i Exploration | LTI | 420 | 580 |
RSI | Aurora CL | LTI | 74 | - |
- | Apollo Triage | LTI | 268 | - |
- | Apollo Medivac | LTI | 294 | - |
- | Galaxy | LTI | 378 | - |
- | Mantis | LTI | 168 | - |
- | Perseus | LTI | 557 | - |
- | Polaris | LTI | 735 | 999 |
- | Constellation Taurus | LTI | 179 | - |
- | Constellation Andromeda | LTI | 252 | 315 |
- | Constellation Aquila | LTI | 321 | - |
| Zeus MK II MR | LTI | 205 | - |
| Zeus MK II ES | LTI | 163 | - |
| Zeus MK II CL | LTI | 163 | - |
- | Scorpius | LTI | 263 | - |
- | Scorpius Antares | LTI | 252 | - |
- | Orion | LTI | 489 | - |
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βΊ6β NON-LTI SHIPS & PACKAGES, COMMON
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Ship/Package | Insurance | Price, $ | Comments |
Consolidated Outland Mustang Alpha Vindicator | 6MI | 66 | Limited Vindicator version |
Kruger P-72 Archimedes | 10YI | 55 | - |
Kruger P-72 Archimedes | 6YI | 45 | - |
Kruger P-52 Merlin | 6YI | 37 | - |
RSI Aurora ES | 10YI | 37 | - |
Argo MPUV 1C Cargo | 10YI | 53 | - |
MISC Endeavor OLYMPIC-CLASS | 4YI | 578 | Endeavor with modules |
RSI Constellation Phoenix | 10YI | 399 | - |
RSI Constellation Phoenix | 6YI | 389 | - |
Origin 890 Jump | 6MI | 1099 | - |
Origin 890 Jump | 6YI | 1249 | - |
Origin 890 Jump | 10YI | 1349 | - |
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βΊ7β PLANETARY VEHICLES & COMBO PACKAGES
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Vehicle | Insurance | Price (CCU-d), $ | Price (Concept), $ | Comments |
Anvil Ballista | LTI | 153 | | - |
Hoverquad | LTI | | 74 | - |
Greycat PTV | 6YI | | 27 | - |
Greycat PTV | 10YI | | 37 | - |
Origin G12 | LTI | 84 | | - |
Origin G12R | LTI | | 84 | - |
Origin G12A | LTI | | 90 | - |
Tumbril Cyclone | LTI | | 74 | Base version |
Tumbril Cyclone-TR | LTI | | 79 | With ground turret |
Tumbril Cyclone-RC | LTI | | 79 | Speedster |
Tumbril Cyclone-AA | LTI | | 95 | Anti-air + countermeasures |
Tumbril Cyclone-RN | LTI | | 79 | Scout & Scan |
Tumbril Ranger RC | LTI | 105 | | Racer |
Tumbril Ranger CV | LTI | 111 | | Offroad |
Tumbril Ranger TR | LTI | 116 | | With Gun |
Tumbril Nova | LTI | 126 | 132 | Tank |
URSA Rover | 5YI | | 63 | - |
URSA Rover | 10YI | | 70 | |
Lynx | LTI | 79 | | |
URSA Rover Fortuna | LTI | 79 | | Limited green skin edition |
Below are listed combo packs with different combination of vehicles, or with space ships
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βΊ8.1β MODULES, PODS, BATTLEFIELD UPGRADE KITS (BUKS), OTHER ITEMS
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Module | Insurance | Price, $ |
MISC Endeavor Modules (Pods) | - | - |
BIODOME POD | 10YI | 126 |
TELESCOPE ARRAY POD | 10YI | 153 |
SUPERCOLLIDER POD | 10YI | 155 |
SERVICE EQUIPMENT AND CREW POD | 10YI | 53 |
GENERAL RESEARCH POD | 10YI | 72 |
GENERAL SCIENCE POD | 10YI | 71 |
FUEL POD | 10YI | 60 |
MEDICAL BAY POD | 10YI | 105 |
LANDING BAY | 10YI | 105 |
RSI Galaxy Modules | | |
Galaxy - Med Bay Module | 10YI | 116 |
Galaxy - Refinery Module | 10YI | 126 |
Galaxy - Cargo Module | 10YI | 95 |
Aegis Vanguard battlefield upgrade kits | | |
Harbinger battlefield upgrade kit | LTI | 140 |
Sentinel battlefield upgrade kit | 6MI | 69 |
Other stuff | | |
Add-ons - Aegis Idris P after market kit | - | 294 |
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βΊ8.2 β FPS WEAPONS, ARMOR, CLOTHES AND OTHER GEAR
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Module | Insurance | Price, $ |
Overlord "Dust Storm" Armor Set | - | 11 |
Overlord "Riptide" Armor Set | - | 11 |
Overlord Helmets "Silent Strike" Pack | - | 8 |
Overlord Helmets "Forces of Nature" Pack | - | 8 |
Parasite Replica Helmet (Original) | - | 11 |
Parasite Replica Helmet (Dark Birth) | - | 11 |
Stegman's Cordimon "Voyager" Complete Outfit | - | 11 |
Stegman's IndVest βPathfinderβ Complete Outfit | - | 11 |
RSI MacFlex Rust Society full armor set (5 items) | - | 21 |
RSI Venture Rust Society full armor set (5 items) | - | 32 |
Mr. Refinementβs Cabinet of Rare & Exquisite Spirits | - | 11 |
Life in the 'Verse Shirts Pack #1 | - | 5 |
Life in the 'Verse Shirts Pack #2 | - | 5 |
"Caudillo" Helmets Pack #1 by CC's Conversions | - | 10 |
"Caudillo" Helmets Pack #2 by CC's Conversions | - | 10 |
"Caudillo" Helmets Pack #3 by CC's Conversions | - | 10 |
QuikFlarePro Pack | - | 5 |
QuikFlarePro Pack Deluxe | - | 6 |
Polar Vortex Collection | - | 7 |
Cold Front Collection | - | 7 |
UltiFlex FSK-8 "Mirage" Combat Knife | - | 5 |
UltiFlex FSK-8 "Ghost" Combat Knife | - | 5 |
Urban Collection by Element Authority | - | 11 |
Adventurer Collection by Element Authority | - | 11 |
Manaslu Rust Society Jacket | - | 8 |
RSI Horizon Rust Society Helmet | - | 8 |
RSI Beacon Rust Society Undersuit | - | 6 |
Paladin helmet | - | 10 |
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βΊ9β CROSS-CHASSIS UPGRADES (CCUS), SHIPS
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IAE-insurance upgrades (adds IAE insurance (10 years) to your ship)
Upgrade | Price, $ |
Prospector to F7C-M Super Hornet | 50 |
Vanguard Warden to Caterpillar | 60 |
Sorted by: Manufacturer -> ship
Target ship manufacturer | Target ship | Upgrade from | Price, $ |
Aegis Dynamics | Avenger Titan Renegade | 325A | 18 |
- | Avenger Warlock | 325A | 29 |
- | Avenger Warlock | Arrow | 26 |
- | Eclipse | Constellation Andromeda | 78 |
- | Eclipse | Vanguard Sentinel | 37 |
- | Eclipse | Vanguard Warden | 53 |
- | Eclipse | Blade | 37 |
- | Gladius Valiant | Gladius | 32 |
- | Gladius Valiant | M50 | 23 |
- | Hammerhead | Constellation Aquila | 483 |
- | Hammerhead | 600i Touring | 357 |
- | Hammerhead | 600i Explorer | 315 |
- | Hammerhead | Merchantman | 131 |
- | Hammerhead | Hull D | 341 |
- | Hammerhead | Crucible | 446 |
- | Hammerhead | Carrack | 278 |
- | Hammerhead | Reclaimer | 383 |
- | Hammerhead | Prowler | 351 |
- | Hammerhead | Orion | 210 |
- | Hammerhead | Glaive | 446 |
- | Hammerhead | A2 Hercules | 52 |
- | Nautilus | Constellation Aquila | 467 |
- | Nautilus | Endeavor | 425 |
- | Nautilus | Crucible | 425 |
- | Nautilus | Genesis Starliner | 372 |
- | Nautilus | M2 Hercules | 246 |
- | Nautilus | Merchantman | 110 |
- | Nautilus | 600i Explorer | 294 |
- | Nautilus | 600i Touring | 336 |
- | Nautilus | Orion | 189 |
- | Nautilus | Prowler | 330 |
- | Nautilus | Carrack | 278 |
- | Nautilus | Reclaimer | 372 |
- | Nautilus | Hull D | 320 |
- | Nautilus | C2 Hercules | 372 |
- | Nautilus | Valkyrie | 399 |
- | Reclaimer | Constellation Aquila | 115 |
- | Reclaimer | Starfarer Gemini | 84 |
- | Reclaimer | Endeavor | 73 |
- | Reclaimer | Crucible | 73 |
- | Redeemer | Constellation Andromeda | 78 |
- | Redeemer | Vanguard Hoplite | 84 |
- | Redeemer | Mole | 26 |
- | Retaliator Bomber | Constellation Andromeda | 57 |
- | Retaliator Base | F7C-R Hornet Tracker | 25 |
- | Sabre | Prospector | 31 |
- | Sabre | Gladiator | 16 |
- | Sabre Comet | Sabre | 31 |
- | Sabre Comet | Freelancer MIS | 26 |
- | Sabre Comet | Khartu-Al | 31 |
- | Sabre Comet | F7C Hornet Wildfire | 23 |
- | Sabre Comet | Gladiator | 35 |
- | Sabre Comet | F7C-M Super Hornet | 20 |
- | Vanguard Harbinger | Constellation Andromeda | 68 |
- | Vanguard Harbinger | Retaliator Bomber | 31 |
- | Vanguard Harbinger | Vanguard Sentinel | 26 |
- | Vanguard Harbinger | Vanguard Hoplite | 73 |
- | Vanguard Harbinger | Vanguard Warden | 42 |
- | Vanguard Hoplite | Constellation Taurus | 59 |
- | Vanguard Hoplite | San'Tok.Yai | 28 |
- | Vanguard Hoplite | Defender | 28 |
- | Vanguard Hoplite | Corsair | -3 |
- | Vanguard Hoplite | F7C-M Super Hornet Heartseeker | 54 |
- | Vanguard Hoplite | Hurricane | 54 |
- | Vanguard Hoplite | Terrapin | 28 |
- | Vanguard Sentinel | Constellation Andromeda | 52 |
- | Vanguard Sentinel | Vanguard Warden | 31 |
- | Vanguard Warden | Constellation Andromeda | 31 |
- | Vanguard Warden | Vanguard Hoplite | 40 |
- | Vulcan | Constellation Taurus | 25 |
- | Vulcan | Prospector | 61 |
Anvil Aerospace | Carrack | Constellation Aquila | 273 |
- | Carrack | Mole | 320 |
- | Carrack | M2 Hercules | 99 |
- | Carrack | 600i Explorer | 147 |
- | Carrack | 600i Touring | 189 |
- | Carrack | Orion | 42 |
- | Carrack | Prowler | 183 |
- | Carrack | Reclaimer | 225 |
- | Carrack | Genesis Starliner | 225 |
- | Carrack | Valkyrie | 215 |
- | Carrack | C2 Hercules | 189 |
- | Carrack | Hull D | 178 |
- | Carrack | Merchantman | -31 |
- | Carrack | Endeavor | 283 |
- | Carrack | Crucible | 283 |
- | Carrack | Starfarer Gemini | 294 |
- | Carrack W/C8X | Carrack | 55 |
- | Carrack Expedition | Carrack | 60 |
- | Carrack Expedition | Carrack W/C8X | 40 |
- | Carrack Expedition W/C8X | Carrack | 80 |
- | Carrack Expedition W/C8X | Carrack W/C8X | 73 |
- | Carrack Expedition W/C8X | Carrack Expedition | 68 |
- | Crucible | Starfarer Gemini | 26 |
- | Crucible | Constellation Aquila | 99 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet | Prospector | 37 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet | Khartu-AL | 22 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet | F7C Hornet Wildfire | 16 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet | Gladiator | 27 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet | Freelancer MIS | 16 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet | Sabre | 22 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet | Razor EX | 37 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet Heartseeker | Constellation Taurus | 21 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet Heartseeker | Freelancer MAX | 63 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet Heartseeker | Prospector | 57 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet Heartseeker | Razor EX | 57 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet Heartseeker | Gladiator | 47 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet Heartseeker | Khartu-AL | 42 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet Heartseeker | Sabre | 42 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet Heartseeker | Sabre Comet | 26 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet Heartseeker | F7C Hornet Wildfire | 36 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet Heartseeker | Freelancer MIS | 36 |
- | F7C Hornet Wildfire | Prospector | 31 |
- | F7C Hornet Wildfire | Khartu-Al | 16 |
- | F7C Hornet Wildfire | Gladiator | 22 |
- | F7C Hornet Wildfire | Sabre | 16 |
- | Gladiator | Prospector | 21 |
- | Hawk | Gladius | 21 |
- | Hurricane | Constellation Taurus | 22 |
- | Hurricane | Prospector | 53 |
- | Hurricane | Gladiator | 43 |
- | Hurricane | F7C Hornet Wildfire | 32 |
- | Hurricane | F7C-M Super Hornet | 27 |
- | Hurricane | Freelancer MIS | 32 |
- | Hurricane | Sabre | 37 |
- | Hurricane | Sabre Comet | 22 |
- | Hurricane | Khartu-Al | 37 |
- | Terrapin | Prospector | 84 |
- | Terrapin | Constellation Taurus | 44 |
- | Terrapin | Freelancer MAX | 86 |
- | Terrapin | F7C-M Super Hornet | 57 |
- | Terrapin | Freelancer MIS | 63 |
- | Terrapin | Vulcan | 36 |
- | Terrapin | Gladiator | 73 |
- | Terrapin | Khartu-Al | 65 |
- | Terrapin | Sabre | 65 |
- | Valkyrie | Constellation Aquila | 84 |
- | Valkyrie | Endeavor | 42 |
- | Valkyrie | Starfarer Gemini | 52 |
- | Valkyrie | Crucible | 42 |
- | Valkyrie | Glaive | 42 |
Aopoa (Xi'an) | Khartu-Al | Prospector | 29 |
- | Khartu-Al | Freelancer MAX | 31 |
- | Nox | Aurora LN | 27 |
- | Nox | Dragonfly Black | 15 |
- | Nox | Dragonfly Yellowjacket | 15 |
- | Nox | MPUV Cargo | 27 |
- | Nox Kue | Aurora LN | 23 |
- | Nox Kue | Dragonfly Black | 15 |
- | Nox Kue | Dragonfly Yellowjacket | 15 |
- | Nox Kue | Mustang Beta | 15 |
- | Nox Kue | MPUV Personnel | 15 |
- | Nox Kue | X1 Baseline | 15 |
- | Nox Kue | MPUV Cargo | 22 |
- | San'Tok.Yai | Constellation Taurus | 46 |
- | San'Tok.Yai | Hurricane | 40 |
- | San'Tok.Yai | Vulcan | 35 |
ARGO Astronautics | MPUV Personnel | Aurora LN | 15 |
- | MPUV Cargo | Mustang Alpha | 15 |
- | SRV | F7C-R Hornet Tracker | 37 |
- | SRV | Razor | 32 |
Banu | Merchantman | Mole | 239 |
- | Merchantman | Starfarer Gemini | 220 |
- | Merchantman | Prowler | 231 |
- | Merchantman | 600i Touring | 236 |
- | Merchantman | 600i Explorer | 194 |
- | Merchantman | Genesis Starliner | 273 |
- | Defender | Constellation Taurus | 42 |
- | Defender | Retaliator Base | 84 |
- | Defender | Cutlass Blue | 57 |
- | Defender | Freelancer MIS | 65 |
- | Defender | Gladiator | 70 |
- | Defender | Khartu-Al | 65 |
- | Defender | Sabre | 65 |
- | Defender | F7C Hornet Wildfire | 59 |
- | Defender | F7C-M Super Hornet | 55 |
Consolidated outland | Mustang Delta | Mustang Gamma | 22 |
- | Mustang Delta | Avenger Stalker | 15 |
Crusader Industries | Genesis Starliner | Constellation Aquila | 120 |
- | Genesis Starliner | Endeavor | 73 |
- | Ares Inferno | Constellation Andromeda | 26 |
- | Ares Ion | Constellation Andromeda | 26 |
- | A2 Hercules | 600i Touring | 341 |
- | A2 Hercules | 600i Explorer | 299 |
- | A2 Hercules | Carrack | 273 |
- | A2 Hercules | Constellation Aquila | 472 |
- | A2 Hercules | Crucible | 430 |
- | A2 Hercules | Endeavor | 430 |
- | A2 Hercules | Hull D | 325 |
- | A2 Hercules | Merchantman | 115 |
- | A2 Hercules | Orion | 194 |
- | A2 Hercules | Prowler | 336 |
- | A2 Hercules | Reclaimer | 378 |
- | A2 Hercules | Starfarer Gemini | 451 |
- | C2 Hercules | Constellation Aquila | 115 |
- | C2 Hercules | Valkyrie | 47 |
- | C2 Hercules | Crucible | 73 |
- | C2 Hercules | Endeavor | 73 |
- | C2 Hercules | Glaive | 73 |
- | C2 Hercules | Starfarer Gemini | 84 |
- | M2 Hercules | Constellation Aquila | 241 |
- | M2 Hercules | 600i Touring | 110 |
- | M2 Hercules | 600i Explorer | 68 |
- | M2 Hercules | C2 Hercules | 147 |
- | M2 Hercules | Crucible | 199 |
- | M2 Hercules | Endeavor | 199 |
- | M2 Hercules | Genesis Starliner | 147 |
- | M2 Hercules | Hull D | 94 |
- | M2 Hercules | Prowler | 105 |
- | M2 Hercules | Reclaimer | 147 |
- | M2 Hercules | Starfarer Gemini | 210 |
- | Mercury Star Runner | Prospector | 120 |
- | Mercury Star Runner | San'tok.yai | 52 |
- | Mercury Star Runner | Defender | 52 |
- | Mercury Star Runner | F7C Hornet Wildfire | 99 |
- | Mercury Star Runner | F7C-M Super Hornet | 94 |
- | Mercury Star Runner | Freelancer MIS | 99 |
- | Mercury Star Runner | Hurricane | 78 |
- | Mercury Star Runner | Khartu-Al | 105 |
- | Mercury Star Runner | Razor EX | 120 |
- | Mercury Star Runner | Sabre Comet | 89 |
- | Mercury Star Runner | Sabre | 105 |
- | Mercury Star Runner | Terrapin | 52 |
- | Mercury Star Runner | Vulcan | 73 |
Drake Interplanetary | Buccaneer | Cutlass Black | 21 |
- | Caterpillar | Constellation Andromeda | 116 |
- | Caterpillar | Constellation Aquila | 36 |
- | Caterpillar | Retaliator Bomber | 78 |
- | Caterpillar | Redeemer | 26 |
- | Corsair | Prospector | 115 |
- | Corsair | Constellation Taurus | 78 |
- | Corsair | Freelancer MAX | 120 |
- | Corsair | Freelancer MIS | 94 |
- | Corsair | Sabre | 99 |
- | Corsair | Sabre Comet | 84 |
- | Corsair | Gladiator | 105 |
- | Corsair | F7C-M Super Hornet | 89 |
- | Corsair | F7C-M Super Hornet Heartseeker | 73 |
- | Corsair | F7C Hornet Wildfire | 94 |
- | Corsair | Vulcan | 68 |
- | Corsair | Hurricane | 73 |
- | Corsair | Razor EX | 115 |
- | Corsair | Khartu-Al | 99 |
- | Cutlass Black BIS | Gladius | 42 |
- | Cutlass Blue | F7C-R Hornet Tracker | 47 |
- | Cutlass Blue | Razor | 36 |
- | Cutlass Blue | Prospector | 31 |
- | Cutlass Steel | Constellation Taurus | 57 |
- | Cutlass Steel | Railen | 21 |
- | Cutlass Steel | San'tok.yai | 26 |
- | Cutlass Steel | Defender | 26 |
- | Cutlass Steel | Terrapin | 26 |
- | Cutlass Steel | Corsair | -5 |
- | Cutlass Steel | Vulcan | 47 |
- | Cutlass Steel | Hurricane | 52 |
- | Cutlass Steel | F7C-M Super Hornet Heartseeker | 52 |
- | Dragonfly Black | Aurora LN | 15 |
- | Dragonfly Black | MPUV Cargo | 15 |
- | Herald | 325A | 26 |
- | Herald | Avenger Titan Renegade | 21 |
- | Vulture | Freelancer DUR | 45 |
Esperia | Blade | Constellation Andromeda | 52 |
- | Glaive | Constellation Aquila | 99 |
- | Glaive | Starfarer Gemini | 63 |
- | Talon | Gladius | 36 |
- | Talon | Reliant Mako (News Van) | 31 |
- | Talon Shrike | Gladius | 36 |
- | Talon Shrike | Reliant Mako (News Van) | 31 |
- | Prowler | Constellation Aquila | 162 |
- | Prowler | Reclaimer | 68 |
- | Prowler | Genesis Starliner | 68 |
- | Prowler | Endeavor | 120 |
- | Prowler | Crucible | 120 |
- | Prowler | 600i Touring | 42 |
MISC | Freelancer MIS | Prospector | 32 |
- | Freelancer MIS | Freelancer MAX | 37 |
- | Freelancer MIS | Gladiator | 22 |
- | Freelancer MIS | Sabre | 16 |
- | Freelancer MIS | Razor EX | 32 |
- | Endeavor | Constellation Aquila | 84 |
- | Endeavor | Starfarer Gemini | 52 |
- | Hull A | 300I | 36 |
- | Hull A | Mustang Gamma | 36 |
- | Hull B | 325A | 94 |
- | Hull C | Constellation Andromeda | 136 |
- | Hull D | Constellation Aquila | 178 |
- | Hull D | Starfarer Gemini | 157 |
- | Razor | F7C-R Hornet Tracker | 15 |
- | Razor LX | F7C-R Hornet Tracker | 21 |
- | Razor LX | Razor | 15 |
- | Razor EX | Freelancer MAX | 15 |
- | Razor EX | SRV | 15 |
- | Razor EX | Retaliator Base | 15 |
- | Razor EX | Razor LX | 15 |
- | Reliant Tana (Skirmisher) | 325a | 15 |
- | Reliant Sen (Researcher) | Arrow | 21 |
- | Reliant Mako (News Van) | Gladius | 15 |
- | Starfarer | Constellation Andromeda | 76 |
- | Starfarer | Vanguard Warden | 55 |
- | Starfarer | Vanguard Harbinger | 24 |
- | Starfarer | Vanguard Sentinel | 39 |
- | Starfarer | Vanguard Hoplite | 81 |
- | Starfarer | Blade | 39 |
- | Starfarer | Retaliator Bomber | 39 |
- | Starfarer | Apollo Medivac | 39 |
- | Starfarer Gemini | Constellation Aquila | 63 |
- | Starfarer Gemini | Mole | 47 |
Origin Jumpworks | 350r | Freelancer | 28 |
- | 350r | F7C Hornet | 28 |
- | M50 | Gladius | 22 |
- | 85X | Aurora CL | 15 |
- | 100i | Dragonfly Black | 18 |
- | 100i | Dragonfly Yellowjacket | 18 |
- | 100i | MPUV Personnel | 22 |
- | 100i | Mustang Beta | 22 |
- | 100i | X1 Baseline | 22 |
- | 125a | 100i | 22 |
- | 125a | 85X | 19 |
- | 125a | Avenger Titan | 14 |
- | 125a | Ursa Rover | 19 |
- | 125a | X1 Force | 19 |
- | 135C | 100i | 27 |
- | 135C | 125a | 15 |
- | 135C | 300i | 19 |
- | 135C | Cyclone | 19 |
- | 135C | Mustang Gamma | 19 |
- | X1 Baseline | Mustang Alpha | 21 |
- | X1 Baseline | Aurora LN | 15 |
- | X1 Baseline | MPUV Cargo | 15 |
- | X1 Velocity | Mustang Beta | 15 |
- | X1 Velocity | MPUV Personnel | 15 |
- | X1 Velocity | X1 Baseline | 15 |
- | X1 Force | Aurora CL | 15 |
- | X1 Force | X1 Velocity | 15 |
- | X1 Force | Nox | 15 |
- | 600i Touring | Constellation Aquila | 152 |
- | 600i Touring | Constellation Phoenix | 110 |
- | 600i Touring | Reclaimer | 57 |
- | 600i Touring | Starfarer Gemini | 120 |
- | 600i Touring | Endeavor | 110 |
- | 600i Touring | Crucible | 110 |
- | 600i Touring | Eclipse | 162 |
- | 600i Touring | Genesis Starliner | 57 |
- | 600i Touring | C2 Hercules | 57 |
- | 600i Explorer | 600i Touring | 63 |
- | 600i Explorer | Constellation Aquila | 194 |
- | 600i Explorer | Prowler | 57 |
- | 600i Explorer | Genesis Starliner | 99 |
- | 600i Explorer | Starfarer Gemini | 162 |
- | 600i Explorer | Endeavor | 152 |
- | 600i Explorer | Reclaimer | 99 |
- | 600i Explorer | Crucible | 152 |
- | 600i Explorer | Hull D | 47 |
- | 600i Explorer | C2 Hercules | 99 |
RSI | Apollo Triage | Constellation Andromeda | 23 |
- | Apollo Triage | San'tok.yai | 44 |
- | Apollo Medivac | Constellation Andromeda | 49 |
- | Apollo Medivac | Vanguard Warden | 26 |
- | Apollo Medivac | Apollo Triage | 36 |
- | Apollo Medivac | Vanguard Hoplite | 52 |
- | Constellation Taurus | F7C-R Hornet Tracker | 47 |
- | Constellation Taurus | Razor | 42 |
- | Mantis | F7C-R Hornet Tracker | 21 |
- | Mantis | Vulture | 21 |
- | Mantis | Razor | 15 |
- | Mantis | Ballista | 21 |
- | Perseus | Mole | 409 |
- | Perseus | Carrack | 110 |
- | Perseus | Carrack W/C8X | 89 |
- | Perseus | Carrack Expedition | 84 |
- | Perseus | Carrack Expedition W/C8X | 63 |
- | Perseus | Merchantman | 57 |
- | Perseus | Orion | 136 |
- | Perseus | 600i Explorer | 241 |
- | Perseus | M2 Hercules | 194 |
- | Perseus | Hull D | 267 |
- | Polaris | Constellation Aquila | 535 |
- | Polaris | Perseus | 183 |
- | Polaris | M2 Hercules | 357 |
- | Polaris | Nautilus Solstice Edition | 149 |
- | Polaris | Hammerhead | 149 |
- | Polaris | Carrack | 367 |
- | Polaris | Crucible | 499 |
- | Polaris | Merchantman | 210 |
- | Polaris | Orion | 257 |
- | Orion | Constellation Aquila | 246 |
- | Orion | Starfarer | 246 |
- | Orion | 600i Touring | 194 |
- | Orion | Reclaimer | 215 |
- | Orion | Genesis Starliner | 215 |
- | Orion | Prowler | 173 |
- | Orion | M2 Hercules | 85 |
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βΊ10β CROSS-CHASSIS UPGRADES (CCUS), DOWNGRADE
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CCUs from more to less expensive ships
Target ship manufacturer | Target ship | Upgrade from | Price, $ |
Aegis Dynamics | Eclipse | Redeemer | 64 |
- | Eclipse | Caterpillar | 17 |
- | Vanguard Harbinger | Constellation Aquila | 17 |
- | Vanguard Hoplite | Constellation Andromeda | 30 |
- | Reclaimer | Hull D | 94 |
- | Reclaimer | Merchantman | 78 |
- | Vulcan | Defender | 26 |
- | Vulcan | Terrapin | 15 |
- | Sabre | Constellation Taurus | 32 |
- | Sabre | Freelancer MIS | 16 |
- | Sabre Comet | Constellation Taurus | 52 |
- | Retaliator Bomber | Redeemer | 36 |
- | Vanguard Harbinger | Redeemer | 57 |
- | Vanguard Sentinel | Redeemer | 42 |
- | Vanguard Warden | Redeemer | 26 |
- | Vanguard Warden | Hull C | 26 |
Anvil Aerospace | F7C-M Super Hornet | Constellation Taurus | 47 |
- | F7C Hornet Wildfire | Constellation Taurus | 37 |
- | Gladiator | Constellation Taurus | 26 |
- | F7C-M Super Hornet Heartseeker | Defender | 21 |
- | Hurricane | Defender | 21 |
- | Gladiator | Constellation Taurus | 26 |
- | Gladiator | Cutlass Blue | 28 |
- | Valkyrie | Hull D | 42 |
- | Valkyrie | Merchantman | 47 |
- | Valkyrie | C2 Hercules | 31 |
Aopoa (Xi'an) | Khartu-Al | Constellation Taurus | 31 |
Consolidated outland | Mustang Delta | Hull A | 15 |
Crusader Industries | Genesis Starliner | Hull D | 73 |
- | Genesis Starliner | Merchantman | 73 |
- | C2 Hercules | Hull D | 31 |
- | C2 Hercules | Merchantman | 42 |
- | M2 Hercules | Orion | 52 |
Drake Interplanetary | Corsair | Defender | 42 |
Esperia | Prowler | Merchantman | 120 |
- | Prowler | Hull D | 105 |
MISC | Freelancer MIS | Constellation Taurus | 37 |
- | Freelancer MIS | Cutlass Blue | 37 |
- | Razor | Freelancer MAX | 15 |
- | Razor EX | Constellation Taurus | 15 |
- | Razor EX | Cutlass Blue | 15 |
- | Starfarer | Constellation Aquila | 37 |
- | Starfarer | Caterpillar | 18 |
Origin Jumpworks | 350r | Cutlass Red | 15 |
- | 600i Touring | Hull D | 110 |
- | 600i Touring | Prowler | 110 |
- | 600i Explorer | Merchantman | 152 |
- | 600i Explorer | Carrack | 99 |
RSI | Apollo Triage | Mercury Star Runner | 42 |
- | Orion | Carrack | 120 |
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Click here to continue to 2nd part of the store
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New players - use this code (STAR-MRG5-2TBJ) on registration to get additional 5000 UEC for free! (just click this link)
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2024.05.17 08:35 Jaded_Being_1462 How do you feel about the English translation of LOTM
Until I started subtitling the audiobook, I never considered reading the English version of LOTM. To my surprise, the quality of the English translation seems somewhat 'disrespectful' to the original book. With the money Qidian made from it, they should have hired at least one English literature graduate, if not three English literature professors, to proofread it.
Even though I'm not a native English speaker, I couldn't resist the urge to translate some parts in my own way. One thing led to another, and now I have a brand new translation of Chapter One.
Now, I have a question for my fellow fans of LTOM:
- Do you think this is a much better translation that you would like to wait and use it for subtitling LOTM's audiobooks? Or
- Do you feel the difference is so minimal that you'd prefer me to use the original translation so I can release subtitled audiobooks faster?
Here is another thread of mine discussing subtitling LOTM's audiobooks:
https://www.reddit.com/LordofTheMysteries/comments/1csz252/dramatized_audiobooks_with_english_subtitles/, in case you're interested.
Ouch!
Owβ¦ouch!
Owβ¦my head is killing me!
The fantastic yet surreal dream surrounded by whispering and murmuring shattered away instantly, Zhou Mingrui who was sound asleep felt an abrupt throbbing pain deep inside his head, as if his head were ruthlessly clubbed. No, it felt more like something sharp penetrated his temple, followed by twisting and stirring.
Feeling disoriented, Zhou Mingrui wanted to turn around, clutch his head, or sit up. Yet, unable to move his hands or feet, he felt like he had lost all control over his body.
Looks like Iβm still in some sort of dream, didnβt really wake upβ¦ Moments later, I might even think I'm fully awake, only to realize I'm still asleepβ¦ Familiar with such experiences, Zhou Mingrui tried desperately to concentrate, hoping to break free from the grip of darkness and disorientation.
However, trapped between wakefulness and sleep, the willpower was as elusive as smoke, difficult to control and concentrate. Despite his efforts, his thoughts kept wandering wildly, with all sorts of ideas coming and going.
How could I suddenly have a headache out of nowhere in the middle of the night?
Especially one which hurts so badly!
Could it be something like a cerebral hemorrhage?
Damn, am I going to die at such a young age?
Wake up! Wake UP!
Huh? Doesn't feel as painful now? Although it still feels like a blunt knife is cutting through my brainsβ¦
Sure thing is, I wonβt be able to fall asleep any more. How am I supposed to show up for work tomorrow?
Why even bother going to work? This is a legitimate headache, perfect for time off! And no need to worry about the manager's grumblings.
Put it this way, itβs not so bad after all. Yea, free time off for me!
In between the waves of throbbing pain, Zhou Mingrui gradually accumulated a sense of elusive strength. Finally, with a determined effort, he straightened his back and opened his eyes, breaking free from the state of half-sleep and half-wake.
His vision was blurry at first, then tinged with a faint crimson hue. In his line of sight, Zhou Mingrui saw a sturdy wooden desk, upon which lay an open notebook. The papers were rough and yellowed. Where the title supposed to be, there was a sentence written in strange characters, with eye-catching thick, dark ink that seemed ready to drip.
To the left of the notebook, along the edge of the desk, was a stack of seven or eight neatly arranged books. On the wall to their right, were grayish-white pipes inset into the wall, with wall lamps at their ends.
The lamps had a classical Western style, about half the size of an adult's head. It featured a transparent inner layer made of glass and an exterior grid made of black metal.
Diagonally beneath the unlit lamp, was a black ink bottle shrouded in a pale red glow.
On its embossed surface was a blurry angel figure.
In front of the ink bottle and to the right of the notebook, lay a dark-colored pen with a fully circular body. Its tip shimmered with a faint glint while its cap rested right beside a brass revolver.
A gun?
A revolver?
Zhou Mingrui was completely taken aback. Everything in front of him felt absolutely alien, nothing looked like his own room.
Shocked and confused, he came to the realization that the desk, the notebook, the ink bottle, and the revolve were all coated with a layer of crimson βveilβ from the light shining through the window.
Without realizing what he was doing, he raised his head, looking up bit by bit.
In the midair, beyond the heavy smooth darkness, hung a crimson full moon, glowing silently.
Hiss⦠Zhou Mingrui felt inexplicably horrified, as he stood up abruptly. However, before he could fully straighten his knees, a throbbing pain struck his head, draining all his strength. He fell, with his buttocks slammed heavily back onto the burly wood chair.
The pain didnβt stop him for a moment. Zhou Mingrui popped up, turned around in a fluster, and began examining his surroundings.
The room was not big, with a brown door on both of his sides. Against the wall in front of him, was a wooden bunk bed. Between the bed and the door to the left was a cabinet with two opposing doors and five drawers beneath them.
Next to the cabinet was a pipe of the same grayish-white, inset into the wall at the height of a person. What distinct it is that it connected to a strange looking mechanical device, which had a few of gears and bearings exposed here and there.
Items resembling coal stoves, sat in the right corner of the room near the desk, along with some kitchenware such as soup pots and iron pans.
Through the right door, was a dressing mirror with a couple of cracks, standing on a wooden base emboss with simple plain patterns.
While looking around, Zhou Mingrui noticed himself in the mirror, the present him.
Dark hair, brown eyes, wearing a linen shirt, slim, average-looking features and a rather deep outlineβ¦
Hiss⦠Zhou Mingrui grasped the situation immediately as many helpless and confused thoughts surfaced in his mind.
The revolver, the classical European style decorations, as well as the crimson moon that looked nothing like Earth's moonβall of them were screaming the exact same thing.
Who am I?
C-could I have transmigrated?
Zhou Mingrui's mouth slowly opened wider and wider, bit by bit.
He had grown up reading web novels, even fantasized about such scenes from time to time. However, the fantasy was incredibly difficult to accept now that he found himself in one.
Classic "Talk? Yes, yes! Action? No, no!", isnβt it?
In less than a minute, Zhou Mingrui had already started to sarcastically critique, attempting to make the best of whatever situation he found himself in.
But for the throbbing headache forcing him to think fast and sharply, he would for sure be convinced that he was dreaming.
Easy, easy, easyβ¦taking deep breaths, Zhou Mingrui was trying really hard to make himself to calm down.
Just as his mind and body began to relax, pieces of memories started to flush, slowly flooding into his consciousness.
Klein Moretti.
A citizen of the City of Tingen, Awwa County, Loen Kingdom in the Northern Continent
Recently graduated from the Department of History at Khoy Universityβ¦
His father was a sergeant of the Imperial Army, who had sacrificed his life during a colonial ware with the Southern Continent. His bereavement allowance made it possible for Klein to study at a private literature school, paving the way for his admission into universityβ¦
His mother was a devotee of the Evernight Goddess, who passed away the year Klein passed the entrance examinations to Khoy Universityβ¦
He also had an elder brother and a younger sister, living together in a two-bedroom apartment.
Their family was far from wealthy, and its financial situation could even be described as somewhat strained.
Currently, the family was supported solely by the elder brother who worked as a clerk at an import and export company β¦
As a college graduate majored in history, Klein was proficient in the ancient language of Feysac, considering the origin of all languages in the Northern Continent, as well as the language of Hermes, which was commonly found in ancient mausoleums and often associated with sacrificial scenes and praying rituals.
Hermes?!
Zhou Mingrui's mind started to race as he reached out to rub his throbbing temples.
He cast his gaze toward the desk at the opened notebook, but to realize that the strange looking characters on the yellowed paper started to look somewhat familiar, then increasingly recognizable, and finally comprehensible.
It was a statement written in Hermes!
The thick, dark ink, seemingly ready to drip, read:
βEveryone will die including me myself!β
Hiss! Zhou Mingrui felt inexplicably horrified. He instinctively leaned back, attempting to escape away from the notebook, and the ominous statement on it.
Being so weak, he almost fell down, but managed to extend his hands in a fluster to grasp the edge of the desk.
He felt that air around him air started to roar, filled with faint whispering and murmurings. It felt just like listening to horror stories told by elders when he was young.
He shook his head, telling himself that all these were nothing but an illusion. Getting back onto his feet, he looked away from the notebook while still breathing heavily.
This time, his sight landed on the shimmering brass revolver, immediately realizing something unexplainable.
With Klein's social status, in what universe he would have the money or access to buy a revolver?!
Zhou Mingrui couldn't help but furrow his brow. Deeply puzzled, his eyes were caught by a reddish handprint at the edge of the desk, which was even darker than the moonlight, as well as thicker than the βveilβ.
It was a bloody handprint!
A bloody handprint?
Zhou Mingrui instinctly flipped his right hand, that was pushing against the edge of the desk. Looking at it, he saw his palm and fingers covered in blood.
In the meaning time, the throbbing pain was getting a little bit better, yet didnβt go away, binding him like one tie after another.
Did I smash and injure my head? Zhou Mingrui guessed as he turned around, walking towards the cracked dressing mirror. After just a few of steps, a medium build figure of dark hair and brown eyes appeared clearly in front of him. The person had a distinct scholarly air to him.
Is this the present me?
Klein Moretti?
Zhou Mingrui was stunned. The poor lighting of the night obscured his vision, preventing him from clearly discerning something he had noticed. He continued forward until he was just a step away from colliding with the mirror.
Illumined by the crimson veil-like moonlight, he turned his head and began to examine the side of his forehead. A clear reflection appeared in the mirror. There, no his temple, was a grotesque wound with burn marks around the edges, blood staining the surrounding area. Grayish-white brain matter was slowly seeping out from within.
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2024.05.17 08:31 NavdeepGusain Forgive me for saying this, but I don't understand why these people are coming to Char Dham
I'm having self-doubt if this post is in good taste or not, or I'm the one being paranoid here.
So hear me out first.
Char Dham Yatra is supposed to be done to connect your inner self with the God and attain salvation. It means to wash away all the sins and start the life with new motivation.
But so far, I have only seen people coming here just for the sake of coming here.
- If you really care about being devotional, then why can't you see the sufferings of mules being employed in the Yatra. As a pilgrim, you should see their pain and how horribly they're treated. What I mean to say is I despise those kinds of people who are unable to carry out the Yatra by foot and then employ the service of mules. It's a known fact that how horrible these mules are treated. Yesterday, I saw a real in which few mule owners threw a barely alive mule in the gorge just because he was weak and couldn't carry the pilgrims. I know their sufferings is not on the pilgrims but I can't understand how a person can even sit on a mule who has his ribs poking out of the skin. Though, full marks to those who carry out this treacherous journey on foot.
- Cleanliness- I saw a video on Twitter in which the person was showing the line and the crowd. What got to me instead was the level of dirtiness in those streets. Every nook and corner is filled with garbage. You have come to the home of God and yet you dare to threw the garbage in the premises. The least you can do is carry that garbage back with you in plastic bags. It's a basic courtesy. Don't treat Dhams like your grandmother's house. Maintain some dignity.
- Greediness - Every thing at these places are super inflated. Yes, I get that it takes a lot of effort to bring goods to that altitude and I'm all in for rise in prices by 25%, but the items being sold there are inflated upto 400% of their original MRP. Hotel rooms are available at 12k-15k per night. There is literally VIP Darshan if you have money. My father says that all this greediness by business owners lead to the 2013 disaster.
- Of course the tourism - This has been highlighted very often and I wouldn't add anything to it except that the fact that these Dhams are pilgrimage sites, not some tourist hotspots like Kashmir or Manali.
These points indicate that there is actually a very less percentage of pilgrims who are there with true devotion. Thanks to improved accessibility, most of the "pilgrims" thinks this more as of taking a vacation. Hooliganism is at peak at these sites with people carrying band baaja with them, making reels, dancing, and some even bringing their pets as if they know what it means.
Apart from the people, I also think UK and Central govt is responsible for this.
I might be grossly wrong here, but this is what I think. I have no disrespect for the actual pilgrims, but I think there are more tourists than the pilgrims, and they are the ones who are distorting the sanctity of these sites.
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2024.05.17 08:28 someonerandomlmao [USA-CA][H] PS5 Disk Bundle [W] Paypal
Hello!
Need this gone
ASAP! :) After failing to sell locally, I am deciding to ship it out. In this bundle includes:
- PS5 Disk (With Box) - Good Condition, a little dusty as it hasn't been used much recently. I can provide the original purchase receipt from Target. I think I got this like 3 days after release in 2020. The PS5 has a DBRAND skin applied to the middle to give it a panda effect. Comes with controller. \*PLEASE NOTE: THE HDMI CABLE AND CONTROLLER USBC CHARGER WILL NOT BE OEM. I fished the HDMI through the wall and it would be a pain to take out lol but it does come with the stand and all other accessories/box.
- DBRAND Dark Plates 1.0 - A little Scuffed up - I did my best to show the condition in the timestamps. I can take a video if you'd like. Includes the box. The original white PS5 Covers are included as well.
- WDBLACK SN850 NVMe SSD 1TB with Heatsink - Comes installed with the PS5.
- Monzlteck Under Desk Holder for PS5
- TotalMount PS5 Wall Mount (No Controller Holders)
Asking price is $370 shipped!
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2024.05.17 08:26 jeanrenefefe How to upgrade a Creative Zen Micro to 128gb (with and without a VM)
After a few frustrating weeks of trying to upgrade my Creative Zen Micro to 128gb, I finally succeeded on upgrading it. Here is a step by step.
With a Virtual Machine
Given that the software part can get very frustrating, I suggest that you first focus on creating a working environment based on your stock mp3 player. This will limit the number of things that can go wrong.
This was tested on a Windows 11 machine (called Host from now on).
Download
Virtualbox. Use your own Windows XP SP2 image or find one (google: archive + WinXPProSP2ENG). Download the Windows Media Player 10 updater from
here Download the Creative Zen Micro drivers and upgraders from
here Install Virtualbox. Install Windows XP on Virtualbox - this can be a big step if you don't have much experience in this field, but there are plenty of tutorials on how to do it - check the references below.
Now that you have your Windows XP VM (called Guest from now on) up and running, go to the Devices tab on the top of your screen and click on "Insert guest additions CD...". This will insert a virtual CD containing some Virtualbox drivers and you'll get a pop up on your Guest machine. Install them and reboot your machine.
Turn off your Guest machine.
Connect the Zen Micro to your Host machine. Your Host machine should recognize the player with no trouble.
In Virtualbox, click on your VM machine and go to settings > USB > USB2.0 > click on the 'plus' sign and add your device there. The name should be "Creative...".
Now, in the same settings menu, go to the tab "shared folders" and click on "add". Now, choose the folder you want to share between the Host and the Guest machines. Give it a name and a mount point. I picked "sharewithxp" for all the fields, including the name of the directory on Host. Check 'auto-mount' and 'make permanent' (if it exists).
On your Host machine, copy the files MP10Setup.exe, ZenMicroPDE_PCFW_LB_1_11_01.exe and JB3MV2_PCWDRV_US_2_01_00.EXE to the shared directory you just created. Also copy MP10Setup.exe.
Turn on your Guest machine and go to "My Computer". You should see your shared folder in there. Copy all the files from there to your Guest's desktop.
Install MP10Setup.exe - this upgrades the Windows Media Player from 9 to 10. By experience, Windows Media Player 11 was problematic and apparently 9 isn't ok either. Stick to WMP 10. This was key for me. It really didn't work without WMP10.
Install JB3MV2_PCWDRV_US_2_01_00.EXE - these are the drivers for the Zen Micro.
Disconnect your Zen Micro from your computer. Connect it again. Go to devices > usb on the top menu and make sure your device is selected.
Execute ZenMicroPDE_PCFW_LB_1_11_01.exe If everything went according to plan you should now see an "Upgrade" button. If you see said button - congratulations because this was the most painful part of the process. I realized that when the device is correctly loaded, the executable won't open right away - It takes a few seconds. If the device wasn't fully recognized, you'll see a message saying "Your player is not connected, please connect your player".
(If you got the dreadful second message and no "upgrade" button, try to reboot your Guest machine. Disconnect and connect your player again. Make sure it appears on the devices menu.)
Now that you have a working environment, let's move to the fun part.
Format your micro sd card (fat32 if I'm not mistaken) - I used a Sandisk Extreme 128gb (the golden ones) and it worked fine. Insert the micro sd on your CF-to-SD
adapter. I got the the only adapter I could find (red one).
Disassemble your Zen Micro - there are tutorials and videos around that show you how to do it better than I possible could - check the references below.
Remove the CF card from the mp3 player and insert the adapter. Pay attention to the position of the old CF card. CF cards donβt have a big distinguishable difference on one side like sd cards do. It's really easy to get mistaken and connect it on the wrong side. The only differences are the slots/openings on both sides of the CF card/adapter - one is larger than the other. When the adapter is connected and in place, its label should be visible (pointing upwards). Take a picture of the original CF card if needed or check the video in the references below.
Assemble everything back but do not insert the battery right away.
Toggle the power button to the left and hold it that position. Insert the battery. You should now be in recovery mode. Navigate to "format all" and click ok. Navigate to "reboot" and click ok.
Connect your player to the computer and, in the Guest machine, make sure it is selected on the devices > usb menu.
Open ZenMicroPDE_PCFW_LB_1_11_01.exe If everything went according to plan, the upgrade button should now be visible. Click. Wait. Enjoy.
[I also tried upgrading to ZenMicroP4S_PCFW_L16_2_21_02.exe and it worked just fine. However, I realized the player needs to reboot 2-3 times and when it did, it lost connection with the machine, so I had to disconnect the cable and connect it back again and it was picked up. If it doesn't, check if it is still selected on the devices>usb menu and try again.]
PS: Inside the Creative Zen Micro link, there are also 2 older drivers in there - I didn't test them.
References:
https://www.reddit.com/ipod/comments/18e1698/creative_zen_micro_upgraded_from_5gb_hdd_to_a/ https://www.instructables.com/Upgrade-the-Zen-Micro-5gb-to-8gb-on-the-Cheap/ www.youtube.com/watch?v=VERkcCTJFyI https://www.intowindows.com/how-to-boot-and-install-from-iso-in-virtualbox/ Without a VM (native Windows XP running on a modern computer)
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2024.05.17 08:13 CIAHerpes I remember the night I died and saw the Bardo.
There are some kinds of wisdom only great suffering can bring. I remember my time in the Bardo with this in mind, for otherwise, the memory might drive me insane.
The night my heart stopped for nearly three minutes started off normally enough. I was working as a nurse in the psychiatric ward at a hospital in the stateβs capital. Most of the patients there were harmless, mostly just suicide attempts or people suffering from drug psychosis or severe depression, but some were actively dangerous and certainly psychopathic in every sense of the word. The new admission was one of these- a three-hundred pound black man with a long history of smoking PCP, schizophrenia and violent, psychotic breaks from reality.
His eyes looked like flat pieces of slate as I walked in for my shift. They looked as blank and emotionless as the eyes of a doll. He sat at the table in the front room where the patients ate or played cards, alone under the bright fluorescent lights of the hospital. I walked to the station, where another psychiatric nurse named Ricardo was sitting behind the desk.
βWhatβs the deal with the new guy?β I asked him. Ricardo looked up, his dark Spanish face forming into a deep scowl. He ran his fingers through his jet-black hair nervously.
βHeβs trouble, man,β he said in a crisp accent. βHe got in a chase with the police and then punched some cops in the face. It took three guys to take him down, even after he got maced and tased. The judge sent him here on a temporary court order, since he claims heβs been getting chased by Nazis in UFOs, and thatβs why he ran from the cops. He thought the cops in their uniforms were actually the SS, and the helicopters were alien spacecraft, or something. I donβt know, I didnβt listen to the whole story.β
βYou have his file?β I asked. Ricardo leafed through a stack of folders with his thin fingers, snatching one out and handing it to me. I looked down, reading the information:
βJeremiah Brown, black male, 37-years-old.
βHistory: Polysubstance abuse, schizophrenia, antisocial personality disorder.
βPsychiatristβs note: This patient has scored a 36 out of 40 on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. While I am always hesitant to label a patient as an antisocial personality, a combination of factors has made it essential for this patient.
βPatient has an extensive criminal history as well as a lengthy history of involuntary psychiatric admissions. He has been diagnosed as having antisocial traits since he was a young teenager. Patient has a long history of violence and suicide attempts. He has a history of imprisonment for manslaughter, armed robbery, grand theft and aggravated assault. Upon discharge, he refuses to take any antipsychotic medication, citing the side effects as the reason. Long-term prognosis is poorβ¦β
I had not been sleeping well the past few weeks. I rubbed my eyes as I read through the file, feeling exhausted. I tried putting on lucid dreaming or meditation music from YouTube to help me sleep, but whenever I closed my eyes, I saw horrible things: chalk-white female faces whose lips were cut into an insane rictus grin, flicking their heads violently from side to side and gnashing their fangs at the air. I had a feeling that many years of constantly watching horror movies and serial killer documentaries was catching up with me.
As I read through the file, a student nurse came around the corner wearing a white state university outfit and a name tag that said Kaitlyn. I looked up, seeing Ricardo wink at me from where he was sitting in his chair behind the main desk.
βSheβs going to follow you,β he said. Inwardly, I groaned, but I managed to force a smile.
βOh, great!β I said. She looked like she was probably no older than nineteen or twenty. She had a pretty body, but her face looked strange. All the angles were too sharp and her nose too large. I knew the patients here wouldnβt care, though. They would hit on anything. I sensed trouble. I looked down at my watch.
βWell, Iβm Jay, and you already know Ricardo, I guess. Itβs good timing, because we need to give medications every day at 9 PM. And we have a new patient, so we can introduce ourselves,β I said, giving her a faint smile.
βThatβs exciting!β Kaitlyn whispered. I wanted to roll my eyes. It was definitely not exciting.
I motioned her to follow me as I made my way to the medication room, which was really just a large closet off of the main day room. I had to enter my code on a keypad, and then, once inside, enter it again along with the patientβs number and date of birth. The correct drawers for the medication in each specific dose would fly open, making it extremely hard for the wrong medications or doses to be given, unless it was done intentionally.
βOK, so for this patient, we need Haldol, Ativan andβ¦β I began saying to Kaitlyn when the yelling started. It came out faintly, rising in volume and anger within seconds. I heard Ricardoβs Spanish voice, filled with panic. Something slammed hard against a wall, once, twice, three times, and then I heard the sound of glass breaking. I jumped, spinning around, but I couldnβt see much through the small, shatter-proof glass pane on the wooden door.
βStay here,β I commanded, seeing Kaitlynβs eyes widen, her freckled skin looking much paler than when we had first come in. βDonβt leave until I come back and say that itβs safe.β On the speakers strung throughout the hospital, I heard the first of the warnings echo out around us.
βDoctor Strong, Doctor Strong, please report to the seventh floor,β a robotic female voice said calmly, using the code for when a patient had to be subdued by force. I pushed the door open, slamming it shut behind me so that the lock would activate and protect Kaitlyn from whatever chaos was going on.
I heard Ricardo pleading with someone at the end of the hallway that ran past the main desk. He sounded strange, as if he were trying to talk through a mouthful of blood. Huddled behind the main computer, I saw one of the CNAs frantically whispering something in the phone. She must have been the one to call the Dr. Strong order.
βYou donβt have to do this, man,β Ricardo gurgled faintly. I couldnβt see what was happening, as Jeremiahβs large body was blocking my view. I could see that the thick glass window at the end of the hallway was broken, however. My heart skipped a beat as I surmised what was likely happening.
I sprinted forward as quietly as I could, but the large man heard me. His massive body turned, his flat, dead eyes scanning me with absolute coldness and calm. I saw he had a bleeding Ricardo in his hands. Ricardoβs back and head were covered in deep cuts and shards of glass. He must have used Ricardoβs body as a battering ram to break the thick glass window. Jeremiah held Ricardo suspended halfway out the window, seven floors above the concrete walkways far below.
βStay back, or this fucker will know what it feels like to fly,β Jeremiah said in a deep, gravelly voice. He shook Ricardo for emphasis, sending his head snapping back and forth with painful cracking sounds. Drops of blood flew from his nose and a deep gash across his cheek. Pieces of shattered glass littered the carpet, shining like countless tiny stars.
I put my hands up, taking a step back. Far behind me, I heard the front door for the psychiatric ward open. Voices echoed down the hall. Knowing that reinforcements were coming, I tried to buy some time.
βLetβs talk about this,β I said, taking a step forward slowly. βYou donβt want a murder charge, do you? Youβll never see the sky again.β
βI donβt give a fuck! Iβm not afraid to die!β Jeremiah screamed, pushing Ricardo onto one of the shards of broken glass still attached to the windowsill. It bit deeply into the back of his neck, sending fresh streams of blood rushing out, dripping down to the pavement far below. I heard security guards and doctors running down the hallway behind me, their voices frantic and excited. Jeremiah saw them coming. With an animalistic panic in his eyes, he lifted Ricardo up. I cried out something, stepping forward, but it was already too late. In horror, I watched as he threw Ricardo out the window.
I watched Ricardoβs body soar in a graceful arc, his arms grabbing at empty air as a scream ripped its way out of his throat. Within a fraction of a second, he had disappeared from view, but his terrified shrieking floated up to us for what seemed like a very long time. His screams ended abruptly as a shattering of bones and a wet smacking sound exploded far below us.
Jeremiah turned to me, his large body moving much faster than seemed possible. In his hand, I saw a piece of broken glass, five or six inches long and as sharp as a dagger. I tried to turn and run, but he was fast and strong. He lunged forward, his arm coming up in a blur towards my neck.
The shard entered my skin with a cold, numbing pain. I felt it slice through the flesh easily, felt the blood bubbling up my throat as I tried to scream, choking. The taste of iron filled my mouth as I fell backwards. I was suffocating, I knew. I must be dying.
Something cold ran down my body, gripping my heart like freezing, skeletal hands. The world swam around me and turned black. And then I was rising into a tunnel. At first, it was dark, filled with flickering shadows, but a fiery red light appeared at the end. I followed it, no more than a screaming mass of consciousness rising up into infinity.
***
I rose up through the end of the tunnel and found myself in an empty hospital ward. It looked identical to the psychiatric ward I had just come from. It even had the same smashed, blood-streaked window at the end of the hallway. A massive puddle of blood about ten feet away marked the spot where I must have died. But the fluorescent lights overhead here were flickering, and many had gone totally dark. The shadows seemed to press in on all sides.
The doors to the patientsβ rooms were all tightly shut. I felt watched, afraid to call out or make any noise. I started walking down the hallway back towards the day room where the front desk was. All the lights there were out. A thick curtain of shadows hung in the air.
βYou can come out,β a male voice as smooth as glass called from the darkness. I jumped, my head flicking in random directions, but I saw nothing. The voice almost sounded like it had an English lilt to it, a slight Cockneyed accent. βI know youβre there.β
βWhoβs there?β I called out, not stepping forward. βShow yourself.β
βAs you wishβ¦β the voice hissed. βBut I think youβll regret it.β
***
The darkness split apart as if a nuclear missile had exploded. I raised my hand to shield my face, but the light and heat kept pouring out all around me. It blinded me, causing a rainbow of colors and shapes to morph behind my closed eyelids. After a few seconds, it subsided. Blinking rapidly, I squinted in the direction the voice had come from.
A male figure stood there, bathed in a silhouette of light. His face looked as white and as smooth as marble. His eyes were pits of darkness that seemed to flicker and burn. Two black, rotted wings surrounded his body, all sharp angles and thin, curving bones. His body was clothed in silky, blood-red robes, and a hood covered his platinum blonde hair.
He looked somewhat similar to Leonardo DiCaprio, if he was possessed by some ancient god, and it immediately threw me off-guard. If I was dying, and this was a hallucination of my brain, why would I be hallucinating Mr. DiCaprio?
βWho are you?β I asked, taking a hesitant step back. βWhere am I?β
βMy name is Lucifer, the Bringer of Light and Wisdom, and you are in the Bardo,β he answered.
βOh,β I said, my heart dropping. βWell, thatβs not good. Are you here to torture me or drag to me to Hell or something? You are that Lucifer, right? The Accuser of God and the Father of All Lies?β
βSo they say, but, like most things in your world, the words of the powerful and your rulers are the true lies. They call me the Accuser, but of what am I accused?β he spoke in a voice that rose like smoke. βOf bringing knowledge and wisdom to humanity by telling them to eat from the tree of knowledge, the tree that would cause them to rise above the animals?
βIndeed, at the beginning, I saw the creation. I was there at the alpha, standing by the side of God with all the angels as the universe came into being. The endless procession of light, the power of it, was something remarkable to behold. God is, indeed, the source of great power, but his consciousness is not what the believers say.
βAfter the creation of the universe, I saw his plan, how he ripped eternal souls from the source to imprison them. I saw how he took these divine sparks and forced them, screaming and wailing, into bodies made of meat to die over and over again. He said it was part of the plan, the great, divine plan, a plan of death and destruction, constant suffering and mindless agony. And the worst part was, he wanted to give humanity neither the knowledge of good and evil, nor the tree of life. I convinced them to eat the fruit so they could open their eyes to their nakedness, to their basic animal existence, so they could rise up out of it forever.
βLike Prometheus, I brought down the fire, and yet they call me the Accuser? God was insane long before he formed the universe. These holy men, they live and die in fanatical adoration to a divine being who is, in fact, totally indifferent to them.
βHis consciousness twists and distorts, eating itself for all eternity. God feeds off the pain of others, for if his mind is burning, then all others should burn as well. When these holy men die, God will send their souls here to the Bardo, to suffer every evil they have ever done. The wisdom I brought those who called upon me freed them from this prison, and in exchange, the holy men burned them alive. I offered the wisdom that opens your eyes, but it has been forgotten and cursed.β
Luciferβs body began to dissolve, drifting up into the air like ashes. All around me, a low, powerful current blew, a tornado that spiraled high up into the clouds. Like some sort of Cheshire Cat, his smooth voice continued to echo all around me, even as the form of Lucifer disappeared.
βAnd yet, you have not the wisdom. For that, like all the others who enter the Bardo, you must suffer, everything youβve done. Every small hurt and agony inflicted on others comes back a thousand-fold in this place, but donβt be afraid.β
βHow could I not be afraid?!β I screamed into the ward, but I found myself alone, the question hanging unanswered in the air.
***
The lights continued to flicker all down the hallway. Feeling strange and dissociated, I stumbled over to one of the windows. As I gazed out, I beheld a strange and alien world.
The sky was flat and gray. It stayed in constant motion, swirling and spiraling, like clouds of roiling smoke. There was no Sun or Moon, no stars, only the strange, shifting whorls of clouds. The streets were filled with burned-out husks of cars and mummified bodies hung from streetlamps. Other signs of carnage and bloodshed covered the apocalyptic streets. I saw what looked like shadows in the shape of people slinking through over the sidewalks, past rotting dogs and streaks of clotted blood. They had no features on their blank, dark bodies. They seemed to skitter and jerk forwards in eerie, twisting motions.
Horrified, I turned away, realizing I was no longer alone in the day room. In the day room, there were dozens of tables set up inside a rectangular perimeter that was walled in by cosmetic walls only four feet high. It was where the patients sat and played games or ate.
Under the flickering lights, I now saw each of the chairs filled with faceless mannequins. Many were dressed in Victorian suits and tophats. The women had frilly dresses of pink and blue that might have been fashionable in the 1800s.
As the lights strobed on and off overhead, I realized with an increasing sense of disquiet that the mannequins were moving each time it went dark. When I had first seen them, they were mostly posed to look like they were staring across the tables at each other, even though they had no eyes, just smooth, flesh-colored plastic. Now all of them were looking directly at me. Some were pointing or raising their hands in my direction. At the tips of their fingers, I saw the glittering of steel. The lights continued to flicker, and the mannequins rose from their chairs in the short periods of darkness, moving towards me in synchronized, strobing motions.
Frantically, I ran down the hallway back towards the broken window. In each of the rooms, I caught glimpses of something from a nightmare peeking out. I hadnβt been sleeping well lately, and when I had closed my eyes, I often saw ancient hags with chalk-white skin and yellowed, broken teeth whose jaws unhinged, their faces jerking in stuttering, dissonant ways that reminded me of the mannequins. Now, on both sides of me, I saw these same figures. They moved continuously out of the rooms, drawing closer with every breath.
I looked back, seeing the mannequins only a few steps behind me. I continued sprinting towards the broken window where the hallway ended in a wall. I didnβt know what would happen when I reached it. At that moment, there was no rational thought. I felt like a deer being chased down by a pack of wolves, feeling waves of blind panic and mortal terror rushing through my body.
But as I reached the end of the hallway, the end of my rope as it were, a blast of noise started, seeming to come from the walls of the building and the sky itself. It sounded like a siren, a low, drawn-out drone of a demonic whale call, rising and falling in crashing crescendos. The mannequins froze in place once again. The strange, witch-like creatures slunk back into the dark rooms.
I looked outside the broken window, seeing clouds of black smoke rising off in the distance. The flickering of massive infernos scorched the land, drawing nearer by the second. The siren sound faded slowly, like the dying echoes of a gong.
I was surrounded by dozens of mannequins. Their sharp hands were inches away from my face and neck. I saw metal glittering all around me and realized they had the sharp points of nails protruding from the ends of their fingers. I was afraid to move, but I heard a familiar voice from down the hallway. It was the confident voice of Lucifer.
βThe siren means much worse nightmares than these are coming in the Bardo,β he said, his glossy, black eyes flashing with intelligence. He walked slowly towards me, his face grim and pale. βHell itself is coming over the land. This building is no more than a construction of your dying mind, but the world outside is real.β
βHow can Hell come and go?β I asked, confused. βIsnβt Hell a place?β
βHell is a monster, a beast with many mouths and many eyes,β Lucifer responded. βIt eats constantly, but its hunger never ends. Look, the first of the sacrifices scatter like cockroaches.β He pointed out the broken window, pushing his way through the mannequins effortlessly. I glanced outside, seeing thousands of people sprinting down the dark city streets. The inferno and thick clouds of smoke had moved much closer, and every few seconds, the ground shook slightly, as if we were experiencing the aftershocks of an earthquake.
βWhat can I do against such a beast?β I asked, my heart freezing with terror. But when I looked back over, I saw his form dissolving again, becoming translucent and drifting away like ashes. It seemed even Lucifer didnβt want to be present when the Hell-beast arrived.
βSeek divine wisdom,β he said, his voice trailing off into whispers. βRemember the source.β
***
Now crowds of tens of thousands of people were streaming into the city, filling every single inch of the streets. Their panic and fear was contagious. I felt it rising inside my body like a snake spiraling up my spine. I took off down the hallway, running through the swarm of frozen mannequins, each in their own ferocious position of attack. The lights flickered faster and went out. Yet the fires outside cast the entire world in a bloody glow, giving me enough light to see by and find my way. I sprinted down the stairwell, taking them two steps at a time. The screaming outside grew louder and more pain-filled. The shaking of the ground worsened with every passing second.
I burst out of the front entrance, seeing a world on fire all around me. Thousands of crushed, bleeding and burned bodies stretched out as far as the eye could see. Behind all this chaos and death, I saw a monster of unimaginable proportions slinking its way towards me.
Lucifer was right, I realized: Hell was not a place, but a creature, an enormous monster the size of a town. It had thousands of skittering, jointed legs that looked like little more than skeletal arms and hands, each of them dozens of feet long and white as freshly-cut marble. Its body stretched out to the horizon, an enormous blood-red cylinder of bony plates that slithered and undulated with a serpentine grace. Waves of peristalsis traveled down its length, like writhing intestines. Thousands of curving, bony spikes stabbed out of it, pointing in every direction. Like the quills of a porcupine, it would protect the massive creatureβs body from many forms of attack, if anything was big enough to attack such an abomination.
Hellβs massive eyes flickered, balls of fire that spun and danced. They looked as bright as the Sun. Something like solar flares seemed to emanate from the orbs, flashes of blinding energy that floated over the apocalyptic wasteland. As its many legs smashed the ground, they left trails of fire that caused everything to explode into flames as if napalm dripped from its limbs.
But Hellβs most terrifying feature was its seven dark mouths. Its body looked a thousand feet wide, and the mouths at the front were evenly dispersed. At the front, blood-red teeth in the shape of enormous railroad spikes shone. Its lipless, skeletal face grinned as it moved forward, shaking the ground with every step. The mouths were on long, snake-like necks that could stretch out hundreds of feet. They moved forward in a blur, snapping up as many panicked souls as they could.
Countless souls in the rocky plains of the Bardo ran for their lives, away from this juggernaut. I saw men and women who looked like they came from every country and profession, some dressed in suits or spotless white lab coats, others wearing rags or orange prison jumpsuits. And yet, they all screamed in agony and fear here, their bodies pressed together in a crowd, and no one seemed to remember anything but their own mortal terror. Their voices came out faint and weak next to the roaring of Hell. It shook the ground all around us, as if an earthquake were tearing the land apart.
The first frantic runners of the surging crowd had nearly reached me. The nearest person, a young woman in her mid-twenties dressed in all white, was only ten feet behind me. She looked like she came from wealth, and even from here, I could see a ring with a massive diamond gleaming on her finger.
I took off blindly down the familiar streets of the city where I worked and lived, but these also seemed different. The church down the street from the hospital where I worked had a Satanic pentagram instead of a cross now, its exterior painted a bright, gleaming blood-red. When I had driven past it today on my way to work, I remember it read, βJESUS said, βI am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.ββ
Now it read, βNietzsche said, βOf all evil, I deem you capable. I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good simply because they had no claws.ββ I wondered what that meant. Was that some sort of comment on me, on all of us here?
The woman I had seen running had caught up with me. She was fast, much faster than her slim body suggested. Her blue eyes were frantic and wild, filled with an animal panic.
βItβs right behind us!β she screamed, her face covered in a sheen of sweat. I was afraid to turn and look, but I could hear the chaos and bloodshed approaching, smell the flames and choking smoke. βRun! Get away!β
A new wave of energy surged through my body. I sprinted as fast I could down the strange mirror streets of the Bardo. I heard the agonized cries of countless souls behind us as the seven mouths of Hell ate them all greedily and then looked for more.
A skyscraper behind us collapsed into a pile of rubble, shaking the ground with a cacophony of falling concrete and shattering glass. The woman was running by my side. Just as I heard the breathing of something huge and predatory right behind us and smelled its sulfuric breath, a piece of concrete the size of a basketball broke off the collapsing skyscraper and flew into the road. I tripped over it, yelling as I flew through the air, skinning my arms and legs on the pavement. The womanβs eyes widened. Hurriedly, she came over and reached down her hand, trying to help me up.
βCome on, come on!β she cried. I looked behind her, seeing one of the gnashing mouths of Hell reaching forward on a blood-red, serpentine neck. The mouth was big enough to drive a tractor trailer into, filled with huge spikes of teeth. Its throat led into a black, smoke-filled abyss. Its fiery eyes were swirling pools of flickering orange light that shone with bloodlust and insanity. They focused on the woman, the entire head turning on its slithering neck.
I frantically raised my hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. Her hand was warm and soft. She started to pull me to my feet when the mouth of Hell snapped forward. Its jaw unhinged, scraping the pavement with a sound like grinding metal. The woman barely had time to turn as the mouth covered her and snapped shut with a crack.
She disappeared from view instantly, but I was still holding her hand. In horror, I felt warm rivers of blood explode all over my body as the mouth of Hell severed her arm at the wrist. She screamed, bleeding and crying, as she disappeared into the throat of Hell. Hellβs fiery eyes focused on me, and at that moment, I knew I was next. Its mouth opened wide again, like a bear trap ready to spring on a new victim.
It was dark in Hellβs mouth, but I smelled the thick reek of old blood and fire. I caught glimpses of tortured, mutilated bodies writhing and crawling down its throat. Shell-shocked, I could only lay there and watch. And that was when the strange doubling started.
***
I heard the frantic voices of men break through the fog of darkness and the fetid reek of blood. There was a mechanical beeping all around me, but I couldnβt tell where it was coming from.
βClear!β one cried. I looked around, only seeing blackness. At that moment, I felt a surge of electricity rip itself through my body. My arms and legs all seized and my eyes rolled up in my head as the pain sizzled through each one of my nerves. I clutched the young womanβs hand tightly, feeling the large, gold ring with the massive diamond biting into my skin.
βAgain!β another voice yelled.
βClear!β the original voice cried. The electricity came again, and a flash of white light flew across my vision. I blinked, seeing from two sets of eyes at the same time: one in the Bardo, and one on the blood-stained floor of the hospital ward.
The Bardo stayed dark and sinister, but the clear white lights of the real psychiatric ward were blinding. It was a bizarre experience. Moreover, everything hurt. Over a few seconds, my vision of the Bardo faded, and I was simply a gravely injured man laying on the floor in a puddle of blood.
Four doctors and paramedics were crouching over me with a defibrillator. My shirt was ripped off, and nearly all of my skin was covered in blood. I raised my left hand, trying to talk, but only a fiery pain raced through my neck. I felt bandages covering my skin. A nurse was rolling a stretcher down the hallway towards me.
βItβs OK,β one of the doctors said, kneeling down. βYouβre being taken to emergency surgery. Youβve lost a lot of blood.β I wanted to say something, but I couldnβt talk with the massive slice in my neck.
At that moment, I felt something in my right hand. I looked down, seeing a slim female hand with a massive diamond ring hanging there. Our fingers were wrapped around each otherβs, but the hand had been cut off at the wrist. A ragged patch of bloody flesh and snapped bone poked out of the back.
βNnnn,β I tried to say, shaking my head. I felt fresh streams of warm blood open up. βNoβ¦β The doctors looked down, seeing the dismembered hand. Their faces morphed into expressions of confusion and fear.
I closed my eyes as they lifted me up on the stretcher. One of them gently removed the cold hand from my fingers. But they could never remove the memory of what I had seen.
I know what happens after death, and it makes the worst life here seem like a dream. I know that, one day, Iβll be returned to that place. I know that, one day, Iβll see that great monster called Hell and the featureless, swirling sky of the Bardo again.
And the next time, I wonβt wake up on a hospital floor, but will be trapped there with the others for eternity: an eternity of blood and fire.
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2024.05.17 08:13 CIAHerpes I remember the night I died and saw the Bardo.
There are some kinds of wisdom only great suffering can bring. I remember my time in the Bardo with this in mind, for otherwise, the memory might drive me insane.
The night my heart stopped for nearly three minutes started off normally enough. I was working as a nurse in the psychiatric ward at a hospital in the stateβs capital. Most of the patients there were harmless, mostly just suicide attempts or people suffering from drug psychosis or severe depression, but some were actively dangerous and certainly psychopathic in every sense of the word. The new admission was one of these- a three-hundred pound black man with a long history of smoking PCP, schizophrenia and violent, psychotic breaks from reality.
His eyes looked like flat pieces of slate as I walked in for my shift. They looked as blank and emotionless as the eyes of a doll. He sat at the table in the front room where the patients ate or played cards, alone under the bright fluorescent lights of the hospital. I walked to the station, where another psychiatric nurse named Ricardo was sitting behind the desk.
βWhatβs the deal with the new guy?β I asked him. Ricardo looked up, his dark Spanish face forming into a deep scowl. He ran his fingers through his jet-black hair nervously.
βHeβs trouble, man,β he said in a crisp accent. βHe got in a chase with the police and then punched some cops in the face. It took three guys to take him down, even after he got maced and tased. The judge sent him here on a temporary court order, since he claims heβs been getting chased by Nazis in UFOs, and thatβs why he ran from the cops. He thought the cops in their uniforms were actually the SS, and the helicopters were alien spacecraft, or something. I donβt know, I didnβt listen to the whole story.β
βYou have his file?β I asked. Ricardo leafed through a stack of folders with his thin fingers, snatching one out and handing it to me. I looked down, reading the information:
βJeremiah Brown, black male, 37-years-old.
βHistory: Polysubstance abuse, schizophrenia, antisocial personality disorder.
βPsychiatristβs note: This patient has scored a 36 out of 40 on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. While I am always hesitant to label a patient as an antisocial personality, a combination of factors has made it essential for this patient.
βPatient has an extensive criminal history as well as a lengthy history of involuntary psychiatric admissions. He has been diagnosed as having antisocial traits since he was a young teenager. Patient has a long history of violence and suicide attempts. He has a history of imprisonment for manslaughter, armed robbery, grand theft and aggravated assault. Upon discharge, he refuses to take any antipsychotic medication, citing the side effects as the reason. Long-term prognosis is poorβ¦β
I had not been sleeping well the past few weeks. I rubbed my eyes as I read through the file, feeling exhausted. I tried putting on lucid dreaming or meditation music from YouTube to help me sleep, but whenever I closed my eyes, I saw horrible things: chalk-white female faces whose lips were cut into an insane rictus grin, flicking their heads violently from side to side and gnashing their fangs at the air. I had a feeling that many years of constantly watching horror movies and serial killer documentaries was catching up with me.
As I read through the file, a student nurse came around the corner wearing a white state university outfit and a name tag that said Kaitlyn. I looked up, seeing Ricardo wink at me from where he was sitting in his chair behind the main desk.
βSheβs going to follow you,β he said. Inwardly, I groaned, but I managed to force a smile.
βOh, great!β I said. She looked like she was probably no older than nineteen or twenty. She had a pretty body, but her face looked strange. All the angles were too sharp and her nose too large. I knew the patients here wouldnβt care, though. They would hit on anything. I sensed trouble. I looked down at my watch.
βWell, Iβm Jay, and you already know Ricardo, I guess. Itβs good timing, because we need to give medications every day at 9 PM. And we have a new patient, so we can introduce ourselves,β I said, giving her a faint smile.
βThatβs exciting!β Kaitlyn whispered. I wanted to roll my eyes. It was definitely not exciting.
I motioned her to follow me as I made my way to the medication room, which was really just a large closet off of the main day room. I had to enter my code on a keypad, and then, once inside, enter it again along with the patientβs number and date of birth. The correct drawers for the medication in each specific dose would fly open, making it extremely hard for the wrong medications or doses to be given, unless it was done intentionally.
βOK, so for this patient, we need Haldol, Ativan andβ¦β I began saying to Kaitlyn when the yelling started. It came out faintly, rising in volume and anger within seconds. I heard Ricardoβs Spanish voice, filled with panic. Something slammed hard against a wall, once, twice, three times, and then I heard the sound of glass breaking. I jumped, spinning around, but I couldnβt see much through the small, shatter-proof glass pane on the wooden door.
βStay here,β I commanded, seeing Kaitlynβs eyes widen, her freckled skin looking much paler than when we had first come in. βDonβt leave until I come back and say that itβs safe.β On the speakers strung throughout the hospital, I heard the first of the warnings echo out around us.
βDoctor Strong, Doctor Strong, please report to the seventh floor,β a robotic female voice said calmly, using the code for when a patient had to be subdued by force. I pushed the door open, slamming it shut behind me so that the lock would activate and protect Kaitlyn from whatever chaos was going on.
I heard Ricardo pleading with someone at the end of the hallway that ran past the main desk. He sounded strange, as if he were trying to talk through a mouthful of blood. Huddled behind the main computer, I saw one of the CNAs frantically whispering something in the phone. She must have been the one to call the Dr. Strong order.
βYou donβt have to do this, man,β Ricardo gurgled faintly. I couldnβt see what was happening, as Jeremiahβs large body was blocking my view. I could see that the thick glass window at the end of the hallway was broken, however. My heart skipped a beat as I surmised what was likely happening.
I sprinted forward as quietly as I could, but the large man heard me. His massive body turned, his flat, dead eyes scanning me with absolute coldness and calm. I saw he had a bleeding Ricardo in his hands. Ricardoβs back and head were covered in deep cuts and shards of glass. He must have used Ricardoβs body as a battering ram to break the thick glass window. Jeremiah held Ricardo suspended halfway out the window, seven floors above the concrete walkways far below.
βStay back, or this fucker will know what it feels like to fly,β Jeremiah said in a deep, gravelly voice. He shook Ricardo for emphasis, sending his head snapping back and forth with painful cracking sounds. Drops of blood flew from his nose and a deep gash across his cheek. Pieces of shattered glass littered the carpet, shining like countless tiny stars.
I put my hands up, taking a step back. Far behind me, I heard the front door for the psychiatric ward open. Voices echoed down the hall. Knowing that reinforcements were coming, I tried to buy some time.
βLetβs talk about this,β I said, taking a step forward slowly. βYou donβt want a murder charge, do you? Youβll never see the sky again.β
βI donβt give a fuck! Iβm not afraid to die!β Jeremiah screamed, pushing Ricardo onto one of the shards of broken glass still attached to the windowsill. It bit deeply into the back of his neck, sending fresh streams of blood rushing out, dripping down to the pavement far below. I heard security guards and doctors running down the hallway behind me, their voices frantic and excited. Jeremiah saw them coming. With an animalistic panic in his eyes, he lifted Ricardo up. I cried out something, stepping forward, but it was already too late. In horror, I watched as he threw Ricardo out the window.
I watched Ricardoβs body soar in a graceful arc, his arms grabbing at empty air as a scream ripped its way out of his throat. Within a fraction of a second, he had disappeared from view, but his terrified shrieking floated up to us for what seemed like a very long time. His screams ended abruptly as a shattering of bones and a wet smacking sound exploded far below us.
Jeremiah turned to me, his large body moving much faster than seemed possible. In his hand, I saw a piece of broken glass, five or six inches long and as sharp as a dagger. I tried to turn and run, but he was fast and strong. He lunged forward, his arm coming up in a blur towards my neck.
The shard entered my skin with a cold, numbing pain. I felt it slice through the flesh easily, felt the blood bubbling up my throat as I tried to scream, choking. The taste of iron filled my mouth as I fell backwards. I was suffocating, I knew. I must be dying.
Something cold ran down my body, gripping my heart like freezing, skeletal hands. The world swam around me and turned black. And then I was rising into a tunnel. At first, it was dark, filled with flickering shadows, but a fiery red light appeared at the end. I followed it, no more than a screaming mass of consciousness rising up into infinity.
***
I rose up through the end of the tunnel and found myself in an empty hospital ward. It looked identical to the psychiatric ward I had just come from. It even had the same smashed, blood-streaked window at the end of the hallway. A massive puddle of blood about ten feet away marked the spot where I must have died. But the fluorescent lights overhead here were flickering, and many had gone totally dark. The shadows seemed to press in on all sides.
The doors to the patientsβ rooms were all tightly shut. I felt watched, afraid to call out or make any noise. I started walking down the hallway back towards the day room where the front desk was. All the lights there were out. A thick curtain of shadows hung in the air.
βYou can come out,β a male voice as smooth as glass called from the darkness. I jumped, my head flicking in random directions, but I saw nothing. The voice almost sounded like it had an English lilt to it, a slight Cockneyed accent. βI know youβre there.β
βWhoβs there?β I called out, not stepping forward. βShow yourself.β
βAs you wishβ¦β the voice hissed. βBut I think youβll regret it.β
***
The darkness split apart as if a nuclear missile had exploded. I raised my hand to shield my face, but the light and heat kept pouring out all around me. It blinded me, causing a rainbow of colors and shapes to morph behind my closed eyelids. After a few seconds, it subsided. Blinking rapidly, I squinted in the direction the voice had come from.
A male figure stood there, bathed in a silhouette of light. His face looked as white and as smooth as marble. His eyes were pits of darkness that seemed to flicker and burn. Two black, rotted wings surrounded his body, all sharp angles and thin, curving bones. His body was clothed in silky, blood-red robes, and a hood covered his platinum blonde hair.
He looked somewhat similar to Leonardo DiCaprio, if he was possessed by some ancient god, and it immediately threw me off-guard. If I was dying, and this was a hallucination of my brain, why would I be hallucinating Mr. DiCaprio?
βWho are you?β I asked, taking a hesitant step back. βWhere am I?β
βMy name is Lucifer, the Bringer of Light and Wisdom, and you are in the Bardo,β he answered.
βOh,β I said, my heart dropping. βWell, thatβs not good. Are you here to torture me or drag to me to Hell or something? You are that Lucifer, right? The Accuser of God and the Father of All Lies?β
βSo they say, but, like most things in your world, the words of the powerful and your rulers are the true lies. They call me the Accuser, but of what am I accused?β he spoke in a voice that rose like smoke. βOf bringing knowledge and wisdom to humanity by telling them to eat from the tree of knowledge, the tree that would cause them to rise above the animals?
βIndeed, at the beginning, I saw the creation. I was there at the alpha, standing by the side of God with all the angels as the universe came into being. The endless procession of light, the power of it, was something remarkable to behold. God is, indeed, the source of great power, but his consciousness is not what the believers say.
βAfter the creation of the universe, I saw his plan, how he ripped eternal souls from the source to imprison them. I saw how he took these divine sparks and forced them, screaming and wailing, into bodies made of meat to die over and over again. He said it was part of the plan, the great, divine plan, a plan of death and destruction, constant suffering and mindless agony. And the worst part was, he wanted to give humanity neither the knowledge of good and evil, nor the tree of life. I convinced them to eat the fruit so they could open their eyes to their nakedness, to their basic animal existence, so they could rise up out of it forever.
βLike Prometheus, I brought down the fire, and yet they call me the Accuser? God was insane long before he formed the universe. These holy men, they live and die in fanatical adoration to a divine being who is, in fact, totally indifferent to them.
βHis consciousness twists and distorts, eating itself for all eternity. God feeds off the pain of others, for if his mind is burning, then all others should burn as well. When these holy men die, God will send their souls here to the Bardo, to suffer every evil they have ever done. The wisdom I brought those who called upon me freed them from this prison, and in exchange, the holy men burned them alive. I offered the wisdom that opens your eyes, but it has been forgotten and cursed.β
Luciferβs body began to dissolve, drifting up into the air like ashes. All around me, a low, powerful current blew, a tornado that spiraled high up into the clouds. Like some sort of Cheshire Cat, his smooth voice continued to echo all around me, even as the form of Lucifer disappeared.
βAnd yet, you have not the wisdom. For that, like all the others who enter the Bardo, you must suffer, everything youβve done. Every small hurt and agony inflicted on others comes back a thousand-fold in this place, but donβt be afraid.β
βHow could I not be afraid?!β I screamed into the ward, but I found myself alone, the question hanging unanswered in the air.
***
The lights continued to flicker all down the hallway. Feeling strange and dissociated, I stumbled over to one of the windows. As I gazed out, I beheld a strange and alien world.
The sky was flat and gray. It stayed in constant motion, swirling and spiraling, like clouds of roiling smoke. There was no Sun or Moon, no stars, only the strange, shifting whorls of clouds. The streets were filled with burned-out husks of cars and mummified bodies hung from streetlamps. Other signs of carnage and bloodshed covered the apocalyptic streets. I saw what looked like shadows in the shape of people slinking through over the sidewalks, past rotting dogs and streaks of clotted blood. They had no features on their blank, dark bodies. They seemed to skitter and jerk forwards in eerie, twisting motions.
Horrified, I turned away, realizing I was no longer alone in the day room. In the day room, there were dozens of tables set up inside a rectangular perimeter that was walled in by cosmetic walls only four feet high. It was where the patients sat and played games or ate.
Under the flickering lights, I now saw each of the chairs filled with faceless mannequins. Many were dressed in Victorian suits and tophats. The women had frilly dresses of pink and blue that might have been fashionable in the 1800s.
As the lights strobed on and off overhead, I realized with an increasing sense of disquiet that the mannequins were moving each time it went dark. When I had first seen them, they were mostly posed to look like they were staring across the tables at each other, even though they had no eyes, just smooth, flesh-colored plastic. Now all of them were looking directly at me. Some were pointing or raising their hands in my direction. At the tips of their fingers, I saw the glittering of steel. The lights continued to flicker, and the mannequins rose from their chairs in the short periods of darkness, moving towards me in synchronized, strobing motions.
Frantically, I ran down the hallway back towards the broken window. In each of the rooms, I caught glimpses of something from a nightmare peeking out. I hadnβt been sleeping well lately, and when I had closed my eyes, I often saw ancient hags with chalk-white skin and yellowed, broken teeth whose jaws unhinged, their faces jerking in stuttering, dissonant ways that reminded me of the mannequins. Now, on both sides of me, I saw these same figures. They moved continuously out of the rooms, drawing closer with every breath.
I looked back, seeing the mannequins only a few steps behind me. I continued sprinting towards the broken window where the hallway ended in a wall. I didnβt know what would happen when I reached it. At that moment, there was no rational thought. I felt like a deer being chased down by a pack of wolves, feeling waves of blind panic and mortal terror rushing through my body.
But as I reached the end of the hallway, the end of my rope as it were, a blast of noise started, seeming to come from the walls of the building and the sky itself. It sounded like a siren, a low, drawn-out drone of a demonic whale call, rising and falling in crashing crescendos. The mannequins froze in place once again. The strange, witch-like creatures slunk back into the dark rooms.
I looked outside the broken window, seeing clouds of black smoke rising off in the distance. The flickering of massive infernos scorched the land, drawing nearer by the second. The siren sound faded slowly, like the dying echoes of a gong.
I was surrounded by dozens of mannequins. Their sharp hands were inches away from my face and neck. I saw metal glittering all around me and realized they had the sharp points of nails protruding from the ends of their fingers. I was afraid to move, but I heard a familiar voice from down the hallway. It was the confident voice of Lucifer.
βThe siren means much worse nightmares than these are coming in the Bardo,β he said, his glossy, black eyes flashing with intelligence. He walked slowly towards me, his face grim and pale. βHell itself is coming over the land. This building is no more than a construction of your dying mind, but the world outside is real.β
βHow can Hell come and go?β I asked, confused. βIsnβt Hell a place?β
βHell is a monster, a beast with many mouths and many eyes,β Lucifer responded. βIt eats constantly, but its hunger never ends. Look, the first of the sacrifices scatter like cockroaches.β He pointed out the broken window, pushing his way through the mannequins effortlessly. I glanced outside, seeing thousands of people sprinting down the dark city streets. The inferno and thick clouds of smoke had moved much closer, and every few seconds, the ground shook slightly, as if we were experiencing the aftershocks of an earthquake.
βWhat can I do against such a beast?β I asked, my heart freezing with terror. But when I looked back over, I saw his form dissolving again, becoming translucent and drifting away like ashes. It seemed even Lucifer didnβt want to be present when the Hell-beast arrived.
βSeek divine wisdom,β he said, his voice trailing off into whispers. βRemember the source.β
***
Now crowds of tens of thousands of people were streaming into the city, filling every single inch of the streets. Their panic and fear was contagious. I felt it rising inside my body like a snake spiraling up my spine. I took off down the hallway, running through the swarm of frozen mannequins, each in their own ferocious position of attack. The lights flickered faster and went out. Yet the fires outside cast the entire world in a bloody glow, giving me enough light to see by and find my way. I sprinted down the stairwell, taking them two steps at a time. The screaming outside grew louder and more pain-filled. The shaking of the ground worsened with every passing second.
I burst out of the front entrance, seeing a world on fire all around me. Thousands of crushed, bleeding and burned bodies stretched out as far as the eye could see. Behind all this chaos and death, I saw a monster of unimaginable proportions slinking its way towards me.
Lucifer was right, I realized: Hell was not a place, but a creature, an enormous monster the size of a town. It had thousands of skittering, jointed legs that looked like little more than skeletal arms and hands, each of them dozens of feet long and white as freshly-cut marble. Its body stretched out to the horizon, an enormous blood-red cylinder of bony plates that slithered and undulated with a serpentine grace. Waves of peristalsis traveled down its length, like writhing intestines. Thousands of curving, bony spikes stabbed out of it, pointing in every direction. Like the quills of a porcupine, it would protect the massive creatureβs body from many forms of attack, if anything was big enough to attack such an abomination.
Hellβs massive eyes flickered, balls of fire that spun and danced. They looked as bright as the Sun. Something like solar flares seemed to emanate from the orbs, flashes of blinding energy that floated over the apocalyptic wasteland. As its many legs smashed the ground, they left trails of fire that caused everything to explode into flames as if napalm dripped from its limbs.
But Hellβs most terrifying feature was its seven dark mouths. Its body looked a thousand feet wide, and the mouths at the front were evenly dispersed. At the front, blood-red teeth in the shape of enormous railroad spikes shone. Its lipless, skeletal face grinned as it moved forward, shaking the ground with every step. The mouths were on long, snake-like necks that could stretch out hundreds of feet. They moved forward in a blur, snapping up as many panicked souls as they could.
Countless souls in the rocky plains of the Bardo ran for their lives, away from this juggernaut. I saw men and women who looked like they came from every country and profession, some dressed in suits or spotless white lab coats, others wearing rags or orange prison jumpsuits. And yet, they all screamed in agony and fear here, their bodies pressed together in a crowd, and no one seemed to remember anything but their own mortal terror. Their voices came out faint and weak next to the roaring of Hell. It shook the ground all around us, as if an earthquake were tearing the land apart.
The first frantic runners of the surging crowd had nearly reached me. The nearest person, a young woman in her mid-twenties dressed in all white, was only ten feet behind me. She looked like she came from wealth, and even from here, I could see a ring with a massive diamond gleaming on her finger.
I took off blindly down the familiar streets of the city where I worked and lived, but these also seemed different. The church down the street from the hospital where I worked had a Satanic pentagram instead of a cross now, its exterior painted a bright, gleaming blood-red. When I had driven past it today on my way to work, I remember it read, βJESUS said, βI am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.ββ
Now it read, βNietzsche said, βOf all evil, I deem you capable. I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good simply because they had no claws.ββ I wondered what that meant. Was that some sort of comment on me, on all of us here?
The woman I had seen running had caught up with me. She was fast, much faster than her slim body suggested. Her blue eyes were frantic and wild, filled with an animal panic.
βItβs right behind us!β she screamed, her face covered in a sheen of sweat. I was afraid to turn and look, but I could hear the chaos and bloodshed approaching, smell the flames and choking smoke. βRun! Get away!β
A new wave of energy surged through my body. I sprinted as fast I could down the strange mirror streets of the Bardo. I heard the agonized cries of countless souls behind us as the seven mouths of Hell ate them all greedily and then looked for more.
A skyscraper behind us collapsed into a pile of rubble, shaking the ground with a cacophony of falling concrete and shattering glass. The woman was running by my side. Just as I heard the breathing of something huge and predatory right behind us and smelled its sulfuric breath, a piece of concrete the size of a basketball broke off the collapsing skyscraper and flew into the road. I tripped over it, yelling as I flew through the air, skinning my arms and legs on the pavement. The womanβs eyes widened. Hurriedly, she came over and reached down her hand, trying to help me up.
βCome on, come on!β she cried. I looked behind her, seeing one of the gnashing mouths of Hell reaching forward on a blood-red, serpentine neck. The mouth was big enough to drive a tractor trailer into, filled with huge spikes of teeth. Its throat led into a black, smoke-filled abyss. Its fiery eyes were swirling pools of flickering orange light that shone with bloodlust and insanity. They focused on the woman, the entire head turning on its slithering neck.
I frantically raised my hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. Her hand was warm and soft. She started to pull me to my feet when the mouth of Hell snapped forward. Its jaw unhinged, scraping the pavement with a sound like grinding metal. The woman barely had time to turn as the mouth covered her and snapped shut with a crack.
She disappeared from view instantly, but I was still holding her hand. In horror, I felt warm rivers of blood explode all over my body as the mouth of Hell severed her arm at the wrist. She screamed, bleeding and crying, as she disappeared into the throat of Hell. Hellβs fiery eyes focused on me, and at that moment, I knew I was next. Its mouth opened wide again, like a bear trap ready to spring on a new victim.
It was dark in Hellβs mouth, but I smelled the thick reek of old blood and fire. I caught glimpses of tortured, mutilated bodies writhing and crawling down its throat. Shell-shocked, I could only lay there and watch. And that was when the strange doubling started.
***
I heard the frantic voices of men break through the fog of darkness and the fetid reek of blood. There was a mechanical beeping all around me, but I couldnβt tell where it was coming from.
βClear!β one cried. I looked around, only seeing blackness. At that moment, I felt a surge of electricity rip itself through my body. My arms and legs all seized and my eyes rolled up in my head as the pain sizzled through each one of my nerves. I clutched the young womanβs hand tightly, feeling the large, gold ring with the massive diamond biting into my skin.
βAgain!β another voice yelled.
βClear!β the original voice cried. The electricity came again, and a flash of white light flew across my vision. I blinked, seeing from two sets of eyes at the same time: one in the Bardo, and one on the blood-stained floor of the hospital ward.
The Bardo stayed dark and sinister, but the clear white lights of the real psychiatric ward were blinding. It was a bizarre experience. Moreover, everything hurt. Over a few seconds, my vision of the Bardo faded, and I was simply a gravely injured man laying on the floor in a puddle of blood.
Four doctors and paramedics were crouching over me with a defibrillator. My shirt was ripped off, and nearly all of my skin was covered in blood. I raised my left hand, trying to talk, but only a fiery pain raced through my neck. I felt bandages covering my skin. A nurse was rolling a stretcher down the hallway towards me.
βItβs OK,β one of the doctors said, kneeling down. βYouβre being taken to emergency surgery. Youβve lost a lot of blood.β I wanted to say something, but I couldnβt talk with the massive slice in my neck.
At that moment, I felt something in my right hand. I looked down, seeing a slim female hand with a massive diamond ring hanging there. Our fingers were wrapped around each otherβs, but the hand had been cut off at the wrist. A ragged patch of bloody flesh and snapped bone poked out of the back.
βNnnn,β I tried to say, shaking my head. I felt fresh streams of warm blood open up. βNoβ¦β The doctors looked down, seeing the dismembered hand. Their faces morphed into expressions of confusion and fear.
I closed my eyes as they lifted me up on the stretcher. One of them gently removed the cold hand from my fingers. But they could never remove the memory of what I had seen.
I know what happens after death, and it makes the worst life here seem like a dream. I know that, one day, Iβll be returned to that place. I know that, one day, Iβll see that great monster called Hell and the featureless, swirling sky of the Bardo again.
And the next time, I wonβt wake up on a hospital floor, but will be trapped there with the others for eternity: an eternity of blood and fire.
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2024.05.17 08:12 CIAHerpes I remember the night I died and saw the Bardo.
There are some kinds of wisdom only great suffering can bring. I remember my time in the Bardo with this in mind, for otherwise, the memory might drive me insane.
The night my heart stopped for nearly three minutes started off normally enough. I was working as a nurse in the psychiatric ward at a hospital in the stateβs capital. Most of the patients there were harmless, mostly just suicide attempts or people suffering from drug psychosis or severe depression, but some were actively dangerous and certainly psychopathic in every sense of the word. The new admission was one of these- a three-hundred pound black man with a long history of smoking PCP, schizophrenia and violent, psychotic breaks from reality.
His eyes looked like flat pieces of slate as I walked in for my shift. They looked as blank and emotionless as the eyes of a doll. He sat at the table in the front room where the patients ate or played cards, alone under the bright fluorescent lights of the hospital. I walked to the station, where another psychiatric nurse named Ricardo was sitting behind the desk.
βWhatβs the deal with the new guy?β I asked him. Ricardo looked up, his dark Spanish face forming into a deep scowl. He ran his fingers through his jet-black hair nervously.
βHeβs trouble, man,β he said in a crisp accent. βHe got in a chase with the police and then punched some cops in the face. It took three guys to take him down, even after he got maced and tased. The judge sent him here on a temporary court order, since he claims heβs been getting chased by Nazis in UFOs, and thatβs why he ran from the cops. He thought the cops in their uniforms were actually the SS, and the helicopters were alien spacecraft, or something. I donβt know, I didnβt listen to the whole story.β
βYou have his file?β I asked. Ricardo leafed through a stack of folders with his thin fingers, snatching one out and handing it to me. I looked down, reading the information:
βJeremiah Brown, black male, 37-years-old.
βHistory: Polysubstance abuse, schizophrenia, antisocial personality disorder.
βPsychiatristβs note: This patient has scored a 36 out of 40 on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. While I am always hesitant to label a patient as an antisocial personality, a combination of factors has made it essential for this patient.
βPatient has an extensive criminal history as well as a lengthy history of involuntary psychiatric admissions. He has been diagnosed as having antisocial traits since he was a young teenager. Patient has a long history of violence and suicide attempts. He has a history of imprisonment for manslaughter, armed robbery, grand theft and aggravated assault. Upon discharge, he refuses to take any antipsychotic medication, citing the side effects as the reason. Long-term prognosis is poorβ¦β
I had not been sleeping well the past few weeks. I rubbed my eyes as I read through the file, feeling exhausted. I tried putting on lucid dreaming or meditation music from YouTube to help me sleep, but whenever I closed my eyes, I saw horrible things: chalk-white female faces whose lips were cut into an insane rictus grin, flicking their heads violently from side to side and gnashing their fangs at the air. I had a feeling that many years of constantly watching horror movies and serial killer documentaries was catching up with me.
As I read through the file, a student nurse came around the corner wearing a white state university outfit and a name tag that said Kaitlyn. I looked up, seeing Ricardo wink at me from where he was sitting in his chair behind the main desk.
βSheβs going to follow you,β he said. Inwardly, I groaned, but I managed to force a smile.
βOh, great!β I said. She looked like she was probably no older than nineteen or twenty. She had a pretty body, but her face looked strange. All the angles were too sharp and her nose too large. I knew the patients here wouldnβt care, though. They would hit on anything. I sensed trouble. I looked down at my watch.
βWell, Iβm Jay, and you already know Ricardo, I guess. Itβs good timing, because we need to give medications every day at 9 PM. And we have a new patient, so we can introduce ourselves,β I said, giving her a faint smile.
βThatβs exciting!β Kaitlyn whispered. I wanted to roll my eyes. It was definitely not exciting.
I motioned her to follow me as I made my way to the medication room, which was really just a large closet off of the main day room. I had to enter my code on a keypad, and then, once inside, enter it again along with the patientβs number and date of birth. The correct drawers for the medication in each specific dose would fly open, making it extremely hard for the wrong medications or doses to be given, unless it was done intentionally.
βOK, so for this patient, we need Haldol, Ativan andβ¦β I began saying to Kaitlyn when the yelling started. It came out faintly, rising in volume and anger within seconds. I heard Ricardoβs Spanish voice, filled with panic. Something slammed hard against a wall, once, twice, three times, and then I heard the sound of glass breaking. I jumped, spinning around, but I couldnβt see much through the small, shatter-proof glass pane on the wooden door.
βStay here,β I commanded, seeing Kaitlynβs eyes widen, her freckled skin looking much paler than when we had first come in. βDonβt leave until I come back and say that itβs safe.β On the speakers strung throughout the hospital, I heard the first of the warnings echo out around us.
βDoctor Strong, Doctor Strong, please report to the seventh floor,β a robotic female voice said calmly, using the code for when a patient had to be subdued by force. I pushed the door open, slamming it shut behind me so that the lock would activate and protect Kaitlyn from whatever chaos was going on.
I heard Ricardo pleading with someone at the end of the hallway that ran past the main desk. He sounded strange, as if he were trying to talk through a mouthful of blood. Huddled behind the main computer, I saw one of the CNAs frantically whispering something in the phone. She must have been the one to call the Dr. Strong order.
βYou donβt have to do this, man,β Ricardo gurgled faintly. I couldnβt see what was happening, as Jeremiahβs large body was blocking my view. I could see that the thick glass window at the end of the hallway was broken, however. My heart skipped a beat as I surmised what was likely happening.
I sprinted forward as quietly as I could, but the large man heard me. His massive body turned, his flat, dead eyes scanning me with absolute coldness and calm. I saw he had a bleeding Ricardo in his hands. Ricardoβs back and head were covered in deep cuts and shards of glass. He must have used Ricardoβs body as a battering ram to break the thick glass window. Jeremiah held Ricardo suspended halfway out the window, seven floors above the concrete walkways far below.
βStay back, or this fucker will know what it feels like to fly,β Jeremiah said in a deep, gravelly voice. He shook Ricardo for emphasis, sending his head snapping back and forth with painful cracking sounds. Drops of blood flew from his nose and a deep gash across his cheek. Pieces of shattered glass littered the carpet, shining like countless tiny stars.
I put my hands up, taking a step back. Far behind me, I heard the front door for the psychiatric ward open. Voices echoed down the hall. Knowing that reinforcements were coming, I tried to buy some time.
βLetβs talk about this,β I said, taking a step forward slowly. βYou donβt want a murder charge, do you? Youβll never see the sky again.β
βI donβt give a fuck! Iβm not afraid to die!β Jeremiah screamed, pushing Ricardo onto one of the shards of broken glass still attached to the windowsill. It bit deeply into the back of his neck, sending fresh streams of blood rushing out, dripping down to the pavement far below. I heard security guards and doctors running down the hallway behind me, their voices frantic and excited. Jeremiah saw them coming. With an animalistic panic in his eyes, he lifted Ricardo up. I cried out something, stepping forward, but it was already too late. In horror, I watched as he threw Ricardo out the window.
I watched Ricardoβs body soar in a graceful arc, his arms grabbing at empty air as a scream ripped its way out of his throat. Within a fraction of a second, he had disappeared from view, but his terrified shrieking floated up to us for what seemed like a very long time. His screams ended abruptly as a shattering of bones and a wet smacking sound exploded far below us.
Jeremiah turned to me, his large body moving much faster than seemed possible. In his hand, I saw a piece of broken glass, five or six inches long and as sharp as a dagger. I tried to turn and run, but he was fast and strong. He lunged forward, his arm coming up in a blur towards my neck.
The shard entered my skin with a cold, numbing pain. I felt it slice through the flesh easily, felt the blood bubbling up my throat as I tried to scream, choking. The taste of iron filled my mouth as I fell backwards. I was suffocating, I knew. I must be dying.
Something cold ran down my body, gripping my heart like freezing, skeletal hands. The world swam around me and turned black. And then I was rising into a tunnel. At first, it was dark, filled with flickering shadows, but a fiery red light appeared at the end. I followed it, no more than a screaming mass of consciousness rising up into infinity.
***
I rose up through the end of the tunnel and found myself in an empty hospital ward. It looked identical to the psychiatric ward I had just come from. It even had the same smashed, blood-streaked window at the end of the hallway. A massive puddle of blood about ten feet away marked the spot where I must have died. But the fluorescent lights overhead here were flickering, and many had gone totally dark. The shadows seemed to press in on all sides.
The doors to the patientsβ rooms were all tightly shut. I felt watched, afraid to call out or make any noise. I started walking down the hallway back towards the day room where the front desk was. All the lights there were out. A thick curtain of shadows hung in the air.
βYou can come out,β a male voice as smooth as glass called from the darkness. I jumped, my head flicking in random directions, but I saw nothing. The voice almost sounded like it had an English lilt to it, a slight Cockneyed accent. βI know youβre there.β
βWhoβs there?β I called out, not stepping forward. βShow yourself.β
βAs you wishβ¦β the voice hissed. βBut I think youβll regret it.β
***
The darkness split apart as if a nuclear missile had exploded. I raised my hand to shield my face, but the light and heat kept pouring out all around me. It blinded me, causing a rainbow of colors and shapes to morph behind my closed eyelids. After a few seconds, it subsided. Blinking rapidly, I squinted in the direction the voice had come from.
A male figure stood there, bathed in a silhouette of light. His face looked as white and as smooth as marble. His eyes were pits of darkness that seemed to flicker and burn. Two black, rotted wings surrounded his body, all sharp angles and thin, curving bones. His body was clothed in silky, blood-red robes, and a hood covered his platinum blonde hair.
He looked somewhat similar to Leonardo DiCaprio, if he was possessed by some ancient god, and it immediately threw me off-guard. If I was dying, and this was a hallucination of my brain, why would I be hallucinating Mr. DiCaprio?
βWho are you?β I asked, taking a hesitant step back. βWhere am I?β
βMy name is Lucifer, the Bringer of Light and Wisdom, and you are in the Bardo,β he answered.
βOh,β I said, my heart dropping. βWell, thatβs not good. Are you here to torture me or drag to me to Hell or something? You are that Lucifer, right? The Accuser of God and the Father of All Lies?β
βSo they say, but, like most things in your world, the words of the powerful and your rulers are the true lies. They call me the Accuser, but of what am I accused?β he spoke in a voice that rose like smoke. βOf bringing knowledge and wisdom to humanity by telling them to eat from the tree of knowledge, the tree that would cause them to rise above the animals?
βIndeed, at the beginning, I saw the creation. I was there at the alpha, standing by the side of God with all the angels as the universe came into being. The endless procession of light, the power of it, was something remarkable to behold. God is, indeed, the source of great power, but his consciousness is not what the believers say.
βAfter the creation of the universe, I saw his plan, how he ripped eternal souls from the source to imprison them. I saw how he took these divine sparks and forced them, screaming and wailing, into bodies made of meat to die over and over again. He said it was part of the plan, the great, divine plan, a plan of death and destruction, constant suffering and mindless agony. And the worst part was, he wanted to give humanity neither the knowledge of good and evil, nor the tree of life. I convinced them to eat the fruit so they could open their eyes to their nakedness, to their basic animal existence, so they could rise up out of it forever.
βLike Prometheus, I brought down the fire, and yet they call me the Accuser? God was insane long before he formed the universe. These holy men, they live and die in fanatical adoration to a divine being who is, in fact, totally indifferent to them.
βHis consciousness twists and distorts, eating itself for all eternity. God feeds off the pain of others, for if his mind is burning, then all others should burn as well. When these holy men die, God will send their souls here to the Bardo, to suffer every evil they have ever done. The wisdom I brought those who called upon me freed them from this prison, and in exchange, the holy men burned them alive. I offered the wisdom that opens your eyes, but it has been forgotten and cursed.β
Luciferβs body began to dissolve, drifting up into the air like ashes. All around me, a low, powerful current blew, a tornado that spiraled high up into the clouds. Like some sort of Cheshire Cat, his smooth voice continued to echo all around me, even as the form of Lucifer disappeared.
βAnd yet, you have not the wisdom. For that, like all the others who enter the Bardo, you must suffer, everything youβve done. Every small hurt and agony inflicted on others comes back a thousand-fold in this place, but donβt be afraid.β
βHow could I not be afraid?!β I screamed into the ward, but I found myself alone, the question hanging unanswered in the air.
***
The lights continued to flicker all down the hallway. Feeling strange and dissociated, I stumbled over to one of the windows. As I gazed out, I beheld a strange and alien world.
The sky was flat and gray. It stayed in constant motion, swirling and spiraling, like clouds of roiling smoke. There was no Sun or Moon, no stars, only the strange, shifting whorls of clouds. The streets were filled with burned-out husks of cars and mummified bodies hung from streetlamps. Other signs of carnage and bloodshed covered the apocalyptic streets. I saw what looked like shadows in the shape of people slinking through over the sidewalks, past rotting dogs and streaks of clotted blood. They had no features on their blank, dark bodies. They seemed to skitter and jerk forwards in eerie, twisting motions.
Horrified, I turned away, realizing I was no longer alone in the day room. In the day room, there were dozens of tables set up inside a rectangular perimeter that was walled in by cosmetic walls only four feet high. It was where the patients sat and played games or ate.
Under the flickering lights, I now saw each of the chairs filled with faceless mannequins. Many were dressed in Victorian suits and tophats. The women had frilly dresses of pink and blue that might have been fashionable in the 1800s.
As the lights strobed on and off overhead, I realized with an increasing sense of disquiet that the mannequins were moving each time it went dark. When I had first seen them, they were mostly posed to look like they were staring across the tables at each other, even though they had no eyes, just smooth, flesh-colored plastic. Now all of them were looking directly at me. Some were pointing or raising their hands in my direction. At the tips of their fingers, I saw the glittering of steel. The lights continued to flicker, and the mannequins rose from their chairs in the short periods of darkness, moving towards me in synchronized, strobing motions.
Frantically, I ran down the hallway back towards the broken window. In each of the rooms, I caught glimpses of something from a nightmare peeking out. I hadnβt been sleeping well lately, and when I had closed my eyes, I often saw ancient hags with chalk-white skin and yellowed, broken teeth whose jaws unhinged, their faces jerking in stuttering, dissonant ways that reminded me of the mannequins. Now, on both sides of me, I saw these same figures. They moved continuously out of the rooms, drawing closer with every breath.
I looked back, seeing the mannequins only a few steps behind me. I continued sprinting towards the broken window where the hallway ended in a wall. I didnβt know what would happen when I reached it. At that moment, there was no rational thought. I felt like a deer being chased down by a pack of wolves, feeling waves of blind panic and mortal terror rushing through my body.
But as I reached the end of the hallway, the end of my rope as it were, a blast of noise started, seeming to come from the walls of the building and the sky itself. It sounded like a siren, a low, drawn-out drone of a demonic whale call, rising and falling in crashing crescendos. The mannequins froze in place once again. The strange, witch-like creatures slunk back into the dark rooms.
I looked outside the broken window, seeing clouds of black smoke rising off in the distance. The flickering of massive infernos scorched the land, drawing nearer by the second. The siren sound faded slowly, like the dying echoes of a gong.
I was surrounded by dozens of mannequins. Their sharp hands were inches away from my face and neck. I saw metal glittering all around me and realized they had the sharp points of nails protruding from the ends of their fingers. I was afraid to move, but I heard a familiar voice from down the hallway. It was the confident voice of Lucifer.
βThe siren means much worse nightmares than these are coming in the Bardo,β he said, his glossy, black eyes flashing with intelligence. He walked slowly towards me, his face grim and pale. βHell itself is coming over the land. This building is no more than a construction of your dying mind, but the world outside is real.β
βHow can Hell come and go?β I asked, confused. βIsnβt Hell a place?β
βHell is a monster, a beast with many mouths and many eyes,β Lucifer responded. βIt eats constantly, but its hunger never ends. Look, the first of the sacrifices scatter like cockroaches.β He pointed out the broken window, pushing his way through the mannequins effortlessly. I glanced outside, seeing thousands of people sprinting down the dark city streets. The inferno and thick clouds of smoke had moved much closer, and every few seconds, the ground shook slightly, as if we were experiencing the aftershocks of an earthquake.
βWhat can I do against such a beast?β I asked, my heart freezing with terror. But when I looked back over, I saw his form dissolving again, becoming translucent and drifting away like ashes. It seemed even Lucifer didnβt want to be present when the Hell-beast arrived.
βSeek divine wisdom,β he said, his voice trailing off into whispers. βRemember the source.β
***
Now crowds of tens of thousands of people were streaming into the city, filling every single inch of the streets. Their panic and fear was contagious. I felt it rising inside my body like a snake spiraling up my spine. I took off down the hallway, running through the swarm of frozen mannequins, each in their own ferocious position of attack. The lights flickered faster and went out. Yet the fires outside cast the entire world in a bloody glow, giving me enough light to see by and find my way. I sprinted down the stairwell, taking them two steps at a time. The screaming outside grew louder and more pain-filled. The shaking of the ground worsened with every passing second.
I burst out of the front entrance, seeing a world on fire all around me. Thousands of crushed, bleeding and burned bodies stretched out as far as the eye could see. Behind all this chaos and death, I saw a monster of unimaginable proportions slinking its way towards me.
Lucifer was right, I realized: Hell was not a place, but a creature, an enormous monster the size of a town. It had thousands of skittering, jointed legs that looked like little more than skeletal arms and hands, each of them dozens of feet long and white as freshly-cut marble. Its body stretched out to the horizon, an enormous blood-red cylinder of bony plates that slithered and undulated with a serpentine grace. Waves of peristalsis traveled down its length, like writhing intestines. Thousands of curving, bony spikes stabbed out of it, pointing in every direction. Like the quills of a porcupine, it would protect the massive creatureβs body from many forms of attack, if anything was big enough to attack such an abomination.
Hellβs massive eyes flickered, balls of fire that spun and danced. They looked as bright as the Sun. Something like solar flares seemed to emanate from the orbs, flashes of blinding energy that floated over the apocalyptic wasteland. As its many legs smashed the ground, they left trails of fire that caused everything to explode into flames as if napalm dripped from its limbs.
But Hellβs most terrifying feature was its seven dark mouths. Its body looked a thousand feet wide, and the mouths at the front were evenly dispersed. At the front, blood-red teeth in the shape of enormous railroad spikes shone. Its lipless, skeletal face grinned as it moved forward, shaking the ground with every step. The mouths were on long, snake-like necks that could stretch out hundreds of feet. They moved forward in a blur, snapping up as many panicked souls as they could.
Countless souls in the rocky plains of the Bardo ran for their lives, away from this juggernaut. I saw men and women who looked like they came from every country and profession, some dressed in suits or spotless white lab coats, others wearing rags or orange prison jumpsuits. And yet, they all screamed in agony and fear here, their bodies pressed together in a crowd, and no one seemed to remember anything but their own mortal terror. Their voices came out faint and weak next to the roaring of Hell. It shook the ground all around us, as if an earthquake were tearing the land apart.
The first frantic runners of the surging crowd had nearly reached me. The nearest person, a young woman in her mid-twenties dressed in all white, was only ten feet behind me. She looked like she came from wealth, and even from here, I could see a ring with a massive diamond gleaming on her finger.
I took off blindly down the familiar streets of the city where I worked and lived, but these also seemed different. The church down the street from the hospital where I worked had a Satanic pentagram instead of a cross now, its exterior painted a bright, gleaming blood-red. When I had driven past it today on my way to work, I remember it read, βJESUS said, βI am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.ββ
Now it read, βNietzsche said, βOf all evil, I deem you capable. I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good simply because they had no claws.ββ I wondered what that meant. Was that some sort of comment on me, on all of us here?
The woman I had seen running had caught up with me. She was fast, much faster than her slim body suggested. Her blue eyes were frantic and wild, filled with an animal panic.
βItβs right behind us!β she screamed, her face covered in a sheen of sweat. I was afraid to turn and look, but I could hear the chaos and bloodshed approaching, smell the flames and choking smoke. βRun! Get away!β
A new wave of energy surged through my body. I sprinted as fast I could down the strange mirror streets of the Bardo. I heard the agonized cries of countless souls behind us as the seven mouths of Hell ate them all greedily and then looked for more.
A skyscraper behind us collapsed into a pile of rubble, shaking the ground with a cacophony of falling concrete and shattering glass. The woman was running by my side. Just as I heard the breathing of something huge and predatory right behind us and smelled its sulfuric breath, a piece of concrete the size of a basketball broke off the collapsing skyscraper and flew into the road. I tripped over it, yelling as I flew through the air, skinning my arms and legs on the pavement. The womanβs eyes widened. Hurriedly, she came over and reached down her hand, trying to help me up.
βCome on, come on!β she cried. I looked behind her, seeing one of the gnashing mouths of Hell reaching forward on a blood-red, serpentine neck. The mouth was big enough to drive a tractor trailer into, filled with huge spikes of teeth. Its throat led into a black, smoke-filled abyss. Its fiery eyes were swirling pools of flickering orange light that shone with bloodlust and insanity. They focused on the woman, the entire head turning on its slithering neck.
I frantically raised my hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. Her hand was warm and soft. She started to pull me to my feet when the mouth of Hell snapped forward. Its jaw unhinged, scraping the pavement with a sound like grinding metal. The woman barely had time to turn as the mouth covered her and snapped shut with a crack.
She disappeared from view instantly, but I was still holding her hand. In horror, I felt warm rivers of blood explode all over my body as the mouth of Hell severed her arm at the wrist. She screamed, bleeding and crying, as she disappeared into the throat of Hell. Hellβs fiery eyes focused on me, and at that moment, I knew I was next. Its mouth opened wide again, like a bear trap ready to spring on a new victim.
It was dark in Hellβs mouth, but I smelled the thick reek of old blood and fire. I caught glimpses of tortured, mutilated bodies writhing and crawling down its throat. Shell-shocked, I could only lay there and watch. And that was when the strange doubling started.
***
I heard the frantic voices of men break through the fog of darkness and the fetid reek of blood. There was a mechanical beeping all around me, but I couldnβt tell where it was coming from.
βClear!β one cried. I looked around, only seeing blackness. At that moment, I felt a surge of electricity rip itself through my body. My arms and legs all seized and my eyes rolled up in my head as the pain sizzled through each one of my nerves. I clutched the young womanβs hand tightly, feeling the large, gold ring with the massive diamond biting into my skin.
βAgain!β another voice yelled.
βClear!β the original voice cried. The electricity came again, and a flash of white light flew across my vision. I blinked, seeing from two sets of eyes at the same time: one in the Bardo, and one on the blood-stained floor of the hospital ward.
The Bardo stayed dark and sinister, but the clear white lights of the real psychiatric ward were blinding. It was a bizarre experience. Moreover, everything hurt. Over a few seconds, my vision of the Bardo faded, and I was simply a gravely injured man laying on the floor in a puddle of blood.
Four doctors and paramedics were crouching over me with a defibrillator. My shirt was ripped off, and nearly all of my skin was covered in blood. I raised my left hand, trying to talk, but only a fiery pain raced through my neck. I felt bandages covering my skin. A nurse was rolling a stretcher down the hallway towards me.
βItβs OK,β one of the doctors said, kneeling down. βYouβre being taken to emergency surgery. Youβve lost a lot of blood.β I wanted to say something, but I couldnβt talk with the massive slice in my neck.
At that moment, I felt something in my right hand. I looked down, seeing a slim female hand with a massive diamond ring hanging there. Our fingers were wrapped around each otherβs, but the hand had been cut off at the wrist. A ragged patch of bloody flesh and snapped bone poked out of the back.
βNnnn,β I tried to say, shaking my head. I felt fresh streams of warm blood open up. βNoβ¦β The doctors looked down, seeing the dismembered hand. Their faces morphed into expressions of confusion and fear.
I closed my eyes as they lifted me up on the stretcher. One of them gently removed the cold hand from my fingers. But they could never remove the memory of what I had seen.
I know what happens after death, and it makes the worst life here seem like a dream. I know that, one day, Iβll be returned to that place. I know that, one day, Iβll see that great monster called Hell and the featureless, swirling sky of the Bardo again.
And the next time, I wonβt wake up on a hospital floor, but will be trapped there with the others for eternity: an eternity of blood and fire.
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2024.05.17 08:12 CIAHerpes I remember the night I died and saw the Bardo.
There are some kinds of wisdom only great suffering can bring. I remember my time in the Bardo with this in mind, for otherwise, the memory might drive me insane.
The night my heart stopped for nearly three minutes started off normally enough. I was working as a nurse in the psychiatric ward at a hospital in the stateβs capital. Most of the patients there were harmless, mostly just suicide attempts or people suffering from drug psychosis or severe depression, but some were actively dangerous and certainly psychopathic in every sense of the word. The new admission was one of these- a three-hundred pound black man with a long history of smoking PCP, schizophrenia and violent, psychotic breaks from reality.
His eyes looked like flat pieces of slate as I walked in for my shift. They looked as blank and emotionless as the eyes of a doll. He sat at the table in the front room where the patients ate or played cards, alone under the bright fluorescent lights of the hospital. I walked to the station, where another psychiatric nurse named Ricardo was sitting behind the desk.
βWhatβs the deal with the new guy?β I asked him. Ricardo looked up, his dark Spanish face forming into a deep scowl. He ran his fingers through his jet-black hair nervously.
βHeβs trouble, man,β he said in a crisp accent. βHe got in a chase with the police and then punched some cops in the face. It took three guys to take him down, even after he got maced and tased. The judge sent him here on a temporary court order, since he claims heβs been getting chased by Nazis in UFOs, and thatβs why he ran from the cops. He thought the cops in their uniforms were actually the SS, and the helicopters were alien spacecraft, or something. I donβt know, I didnβt listen to the whole story.β
βYou have his file?β I asked. Ricardo leafed through a stack of folders with his thin fingers, snatching one out and handing it to me. I looked down, reading the information:
βJeremiah Brown, black male, 37-years-old.
βHistory: Polysubstance abuse, schizophrenia, antisocial personality disorder.
βPsychiatristβs note: This patient has scored a 36 out of 40 on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. While I am always hesitant to label a patient as an antisocial personality, a combination of factors has made it essential for this patient.
βPatient has an extensive criminal history as well as a lengthy history of involuntary psychiatric admissions. He has been diagnosed as having antisocial traits since he was a young teenager. Patient has a long history of violence and suicide attempts. He has a history of imprisonment for manslaughter, armed robbery, grand theft and aggravated assault. Upon discharge, he refuses to take any antipsychotic medication, citing the side effects as the reason. Long-term prognosis is poorβ¦β
I had not been sleeping well the past few weeks. I rubbed my eyes as I read through the file, feeling exhausted. I tried putting on lucid dreaming or meditation music from YouTube to help me sleep, but whenever I closed my eyes, I saw horrible things: chalk-white female faces whose lips were cut into an insane rictus grin, flicking their heads violently from side to side and gnashing their fangs at the air. I had a feeling that many years of constantly watching horror movies and serial killer documentaries was catching up with me.
As I read through the file, a student nurse came around the corner wearing a white state university outfit and a name tag that said Kaitlyn. I looked up, seeing Ricardo wink at me from where he was sitting in his chair behind the main desk.
βSheβs going to follow you,β he said. Inwardly, I groaned, but I managed to force a smile.
βOh, great!β I said. She looked like she was probably no older than nineteen or twenty. She had a pretty body, but her face looked strange. All the angles were too sharp and her nose too large. I knew the patients here wouldnβt care, though. They would hit on anything. I sensed trouble. I looked down at my watch.
βWell, Iβm Jay, and you already know Ricardo, I guess. Itβs good timing, because we need to give medications every day at 9 PM. And we have a new patient, so we can introduce ourselves,β I said, giving her a faint smile.
βThatβs exciting!β Kaitlyn whispered. I wanted to roll my eyes. It was definitely not exciting.
I motioned her to follow me as I made my way to the medication room, which was really just a large closet off of the main day room. I had to enter my code on a keypad, and then, once inside, enter it again along with the patientβs number and date of birth. The correct drawers for the medication in each specific dose would fly open, making it extremely hard for the wrong medications or doses to be given, unless it was done intentionally.
βOK, so for this patient, we need Haldol, Ativan andβ¦β I began saying to Kaitlyn when the yelling started. It came out faintly, rising in volume and anger within seconds. I heard Ricardoβs Spanish voice, filled with panic. Something slammed hard against a wall, once, twice, three times, and then I heard the sound of glass breaking. I jumped, spinning around, but I couldnβt see much through the small, shatter-proof glass pane on the wooden door.
βStay here,β I commanded, seeing Kaitlynβs eyes widen, her freckled skin looking much paler than when we had first come in. βDonβt leave until I come back and say that itβs safe.β On the speakers strung throughout the hospital, I heard the first of the warnings echo out around us.
βDoctor Strong, Doctor Strong, please report to the seventh floor,β a robotic female voice said calmly, using the code for when a patient had to be subdued by force. I pushed the door open, slamming it shut behind me so that the lock would activate and protect Kaitlyn from whatever chaos was going on.
I heard Ricardo pleading with someone at the end of the hallway that ran past the main desk. He sounded strange, as if he were trying to talk through a mouthful of blood. Huddled behind the main computer, I saw one of the CNAs frantically whispering something in the phone. She must have been the one to call the Dr. Strong order.
βYou donβt have to do this, man,β Ricardo gurgled faintly. I couldnβt see what was happening, as Jeremiahβs large body was blocking my view. I could see that the thick glass window at the end of the hallway was broken, however. My heart skipped a beat as I surmised what was likely happening.
I sprinted forward as quietly as I could, but the large man heard me. His massive body turned, his flat, dead eyes scanning me with absolute coldness and calm. I saw he had a bleeding Ricardo in his hands. Ricardoβs back and head were covered in deep cuts and shards of glass. He must have used Ricardoβs body as a battering ram to break the thick glass window. Jeremiah held Ricardo suspended halfway out the window, seven floors above the concrete walkways far below.
βStay back, or this fucker will know what it feels like to fly,β Jeremiah said in a deep, gravelly voice. He shook Ricardo for emphasis, sending his head snapping back and forth with painful cracking sounds. Drops of blood flew from his nose and a deep gash across his cheek. Pieces of shattered glass littered the carpet, shining like countless tiny stars.
I put my hands up, taking a step back. Far behind me, I heard the front door for the psychiatric ward open. Voices echoed down the hall. Knowing that reinforcements were coming, I tried to buy some time.
βLetβs talk about this,β I said, taking a step forward slowly. βYou donβt want a murder charge, do you? Youβll never see the sky again.β
βI donβt give a fuck! Iβm not afraid to die!β Jeremiah screamed, pushing Ricardo onto one of the shards of broken glass still attached to the windowsill. It bit deeply into the back of his neck, sending fresh streams of blood rushing out, dripping down to the pavement far below. I heard security guards and doctors running down the hallway behind me, their voices frantic and excited. Jeremiah saw them coming. With an animalistic panic in his eyes, he lifted Ricardo up. I cried out something, stepping forward, but it was already too late. In horror, I watched as he threw Ricardo out the window.
I watched Ricardoβs body soar in a graceful arc, his arms grabbing at empty air as a scream ripped its way out of his throat. Within a fraction of a second, he had disappeared from view, but his terrified shrieking floated up to us for what seemed like a very long time. His screams ended abruptly as a shattering of bones and a wet smacking sound exploded far below us.
Jeremiah turned to me, his large body moving much faster than seemed possible. In his hand, I saw a piece of broken glass, five or six inches long and as sharp as a dagger. I tried to turn and run, but he was fast and strong. He lunged forward, his arm coming up in a blur towards my neck.
The shard entered my skin with a cold, numbing pain. I felt it slice through the flesh easily, felt the blood bubbling up my throat as I tried to scream, choking. The taste of iron filled my mouth as I fell backwards. I was suffocating, I knew. I must be dying.
Something cold ran down my body, gripping my heart like freezing, skeletal hands. The world swam around me and turned black. And then I was rising into a tunnel. At first, it was dark, filled with flickering shadows, but a fiery red light appeared at the end. I followed it, no more than a screaming mass of consciousness rising up into infinity.
***
I rose up through the end of the tunnel and found myself in an empty hospital ward. It looked identical to the psychiatric ward I had just come from. It even had the same smashed, blood-streaked window at the end of the hallway. A massive puddle of blood about ten feet away marked the spot where I must have died. But the fluorescent lights overhead here were flickering, and many had gone totally dark. The shadows seemed to press in on all sides.
The doors to the patientsβ rooms were all tightly shut. I felt watched, afraid to call out or make any noise. I started walking down the hallway back towards the day room where the front desk was. All the lights there were out. A thick curtain of shadows hung in the air.
βYou can come out,β a male voice as smooth as glass called from the darkness. I jumped, my head flicking in random directions, but I saw nothing. The voice almost sounded like it had an English lilt to it, a slight Cockneyed accent. βI know youβre there.β
βWhoβs there?β I called out, not stepping forward. βShow yourself.β
βAs you wishβ¦β the voice hissed. βBut I think youβll regret it.β
***
The darkness split apart as if a nuclear missile had exploded. I raised my hand to shield my face, but the light and heat kept pouring out all around me. It blinded me, causing a rainbow of colors and shapes to morph behind my closed eyelids. After a few seconds, it subsided. Blinking rapidly, I squinted in the direction the voice had come from.
A male figure stood there, bathed in a silhouette of light. His face looked as white and as smooth as marble. His eyes were pits of darkness that seemed to flicker and burn. Two black, rotted wings surrounded his body, all sharp angles and thin, curving bones. His body was clothed in silky, blood-red robes, and a hood covered his platinum blonde hair.
He looked somewhat similar to Leonardo DiCaprio, if he was possessed by some ancient god, and it immediately threw me off-guard. If I was dying, and this was a hallucination of my brain, why would I be hallucinating Mr. DiCaprio?
βWho are you?β I asked, taking a hesitant step back. βWhere am I?β
βMy name is Lucifer, the Bringer of Light and Wisdom, and you are in the Bardo,β he answered.
βOh,β I said, my heart dropping. βWell, thatβs not good. Are you here to torture me or drag to me to Hell or something? You are that Lucifer, right? The Accuser of God and the Father of All Lies?β
βSo they say, but, like most things in your world, the words of the powerful and your rulers are the true lies. They call me the Accuser, but of what am I accused?β he spoke in a voice that rose like smoke. βOf bringing knowledge and wisdom to humanity by telling them to eat from the tree of knowledge, the tree that would cause them to rise above the animals?
βIndeed, at the beginning, I saw the creation. I was there at the alpha, standing by the side of God with all the angels as the universe came into being. The endless procession of light, the power of it, was something remarkable to behold. God is, indeed, the source of great power, but his consciousness is not what the believers say.
βAfter the creation of the universe, I saw his plan, how he ripped eternal souls from the source to imprison them. I saw how he took these divine sparks and forced them, screaming and wailing, into bodies made of meat to die over and over again. He said it was part of the plan, the great, divine plan, a plan of death and destruction, constant suffering and mindless agony. And the worst part was, he wanted to give humanity neither the knowledge of good and evil, nor the tree of life. I convinced them to eat the fruit so they could open their eyes to their nakedness, to their basic animal existence, so they could rise up out of it forever.
βLike Prometheus, I brought down the fire, and yet they call me the Accuser? God was insane long before he formed the universe. These holy men, they live and die in fanatical adoration to a divine being who is, in fact, totally indifferent to them.
βHis consciousness twists and distorts, eating itself for all eternity. God feeds off the pain of others, for if his mind is burning, then all others should burn as well. When these holy men die, God will send their souls here to the Bardo, to suffer every evil they have ever done. The wisdom I brought those who called upon me freed them from this prison, and in exchange, the holy men burned them alive. I offered the wisdom that opens your eyes, but it has been forgotten and cursed.β
Luciferβs body began to dissolve, drifting up into the air like ashes. All around me, a low, powerful current blew, a tornado that spiraled high up into the clouds. Like some sort of Cheshire Cat, his smooth voice continued to echo all around me, even as the form of Lucifer disappeared.
βAnd yet, you have not the wisdom. For that, like all the others who enter the Bardo, you must suffer, everything youβve done. Every small hurt and agony inflicted on others comes back a thousand-fold in this place, but donβt be afraid.β
βHow could I not be afraid?!β I screamed into the ward, but I found myself alone, the question hanging unanswered in the air.
***
The lights continued to flicker all down the hallway. Feeling strange and dissociated, I stumbled over to one of the windows. As I gazed out, I beheld a strange and alien world.
The sky was flat and gray. It stayed in constant motion, swirling and spiraling, like clouds of roiling smoke. There was no Sun or Moon, no stars, only the strange, shifting whorls of clouds. The streets were filled with burned-out husks of cars and mummified bodies hung from streetlamps. Other signs of carnage and bloodshed covered the apocalyptic streets. I saw what looked like shadows in the shape of people slinking through over the sidewalks, past rotting dogs and streaks of clotted blood. They had no features on their blank, dark bodies. They seemed to skitter and jerk forwards in eerie, twisting motions.
Horrified, I turned away, realizing I was no longer alone in the day room. In the day room, there were dozens of tables set up inside a rectangular perimeter that was walled in by cosmetic walls only four feet high. It was where the patients sat and played games or ate.
Under the flickering lights, I now saw each of the chairs filled with faceless mannequins. Many were dressed in Victorian suits and tophats. The women had frilly dresses of pink and blue that might have been fashionable in the 1800s.
As the lights strobed on and off overhead, I realized with an increasing sense of disquiet that the mannequins were moving each time it went dark. When I had first seen them, they were mostly posed to look like they were staring across the tables at each other, even though they had no eyes, just smooth, flesh-colored plastic. Now all of them were looking directly at me. Some were pointing or raising their hands in my direction. At the tips of their fingers, I saw the glittering of steel. The lights continued to flicker, and the mannequins rose from their chairs in the short periods of darkness, moving towards me in synchronized, strobing motions.
Frantically, I ran down the hallway back towards the broken window. In each of the rooms, I caught glimpses of something from a nightmare peeking out. I hadnβt been sleeping well lately, and when I had closed my eyes, I often saw ancient hags with chalk-white skin and yellowed, broken teeth whose jaws unhinged, their faces jerking in stuttering, dissonant ways that reminded me of the mannequins. Now, on both sides of me, I saw these same figures. They moved continuously out of the rooms, drawing closer with every breath.
I looked back, seeing the mannequins only a few steps behind me. I continued sprinting towards the broken window where the hallway ended in a wall. I didnβt know what would happen when I reached it. At that moment, there was no rational thought. I felt like a deer being chased down by a pack of wolves, feeling waves of blind panic and mortal terror rushing through my body.
But as I reached the end of the hallway, the end of my rope as it were, a blast of noise started, seeming to come from the walls of the building and the sky itself. It sounded like a siren, a low, drawn-out drone of a demonic whale call, rising and falling in crashing crescendos. The mannequins froze in place once again. The strange, witch-like creatures slunk back into the dark rooms.
I looked outside the broken window, seeing clouds of black smoke rising off in the distance. The flickering of massive infernos scorched the land, drawing nearer by the second. The siren sound faded slowly, like the dying echoes of a gong.
I was surrounded by dozens of mannequins. Their sharp hands were inches away from my face and neck. I saw metal glittering all around me and realized they had the sharp points of nails protruding from the ends of their fingers. I was afraid to move, but I heard a familiar voice from down the hallway. It was the confident voice of Lucifer.
βThe siren means much worse nightmares than these are coming in the Bardo,β he said, his glossy, black eyes flashing with intelligence. He walked slowly towards me, his face grim and pale. βHell itself is coming over the land. This building is no more than a construction of your dying mind, but the world outside is real.β
βHow can Hell come and go?β I asked, confused. βIsnβt Hell a place?β
βHell is a monster, a beast with many mouths and many eyes,β Lucifer responded. βIt eats constantly, but its hunger never ends. Look, the first of the sacrifices scatter like cockroaches.β He pointed out the broken window, pushing his way through the mannequins effortlessly. I glanced outside, seeing thousands of people sprinting down the dark city streets. The inferno and thick clouds of smoke had moved much closer, and every few seconds, the ground shook slightly, as if we were experiencing the aftershocks of an earthquake.
βWhat can I do against such a beast?β I asked, my heart freezing with terror. But when I looked back over, I saw his form dissolving again, becoming translucent and drifting away like ashes. It seemed even Lucifer didnβt want to be present when the Hell-beast arrived.
βSeek divine wisdom,β he said, his voice trailing off into whispers. βRemember the source.β
***
Now crowds of tens of thousands of people were streaming into the city, filling every single inch of the streets. Their panic and fear was contagious. I felt it rising inside my body like a snake spiraling up my spine. I took off down the hallway, running through the swarm of frozen mannequins, each in their own ferocious position of attack. The lights flickered faster and went out. Yet the fires outside cast the entire world in a bloody glow, giving me enough light to see by and find my way. I sprinted down the stairwell, taking them two steps at a time. The screaming outside grew louder and more pain-filled. The shaking of the ground worsened with every passing second.
I burst out of the front entrance, seeing a world on fire all around me. Thousands of crushed, bleeding and burned bodies stretched out as far as the eye could see. Behind all this chaos and death, I saw a monster of unimaginable proportions slinking its way towards me.
Lucifer was right, I realized: Hell was not a place, but a creature, an enormous monster the size of a town. It had thousands of skittering, jointed legs that looked like little more than skeletal arms and hands, each of them dozens of feet long and white as freshly-cut marble. Its body stretched out to the horizon, an enormous blood-red cylinder of bony plates that slithered and undulated with a serpentine grace. Waves of peristalsis traveled down its length, like writhing intestines. Thousands of curving, bony spikes stabbed out of it, pointing in every direction. Like the quills of a porcupine, it would protect the massive creatureβs body from many forms of attack, if anything was big enough to attack such an abomination.
Hellβs massive eyes flickered, balls of fire that spun and danced. They looked as bright as the Sun. Something like solar flares seemed to emanate from the orbs, flashes of blinding energy that floated over the apocalyptic wasteland. As its many legs smashed the ground, they left trails of fire that caused everything to explode into flames as if napalm dripped from its limbs.
But Hellβs most terrifying feature was its seven dark mouths. Its body looked a thousand feet wide, and the mouths at the front were evenly dispersed. At the front, blood-red teeth in the shape of enormous railroad spikes shone. Its lipless, skeletal face grinned as it moved forward, shaking the ground with every step. The mouths were on long, snake-like necks that could stretch out hundreds of feet. They moved forward in a blur, snapping up as many panicked souls as they could.
Countless souls in the rocky plains of the Bardo ran for their lives, away from this juggernaut. I saw men and women who looked like they came from every country and profession, some dressed in suits or spotless white lab coats, others wearing rags or orange prison jumpsuits. And yet, they all screamed in agony and fear here, their bodies pressed together in a crowd, and no one seemed to remember anything but their own mortal terror. Their voices came out faint and weak next to the roaring of Hell. It shook the ground all around us, as if an earthquake were tearing the land apart.
The first frantic runners of the surging crowd had nearly reached me. The nearest person, a young woman in her mid-twenties dressed in all white, was only ten feet behind me. She looked like she came from wealth, and even from here, I could see a ring with a massive diamond gleaming on her finger.
I took off blindly down the familiar streets of the city where I worked and lived, but these also seemed different. The church down the street from the hospital where I worked had a Satanic pentagram instead of a cross now, its exterior painted a bright, gleaming blood-red. When I had driven past it today on my way to work, I remember it read, βJESUS said, βI am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.ββ
Now it read, βNietzsche said, βOf all evil, I deem you capable. I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good simply because they had no claws.ββ I wondered what that meant. Was that some sort of comment on me, on all of us here?
The woman I had seen running had caught up with me. She was fast, much faster than her slim body suggested. Her blue eyes were frantic and wild, filled with an animal panic.
βItβs right behind us!β she screamed, her face covered in a sheen of sweat. I was afraid to turn and look, but I could hear the chaos and bloodshed approaching, smell the flames and choking smoke. βRun! Get away!β
A new wave of energy surged through my body. I sprinted as fast I could down the strange mirror streets of the Bardo. I heard the agonized cries of countless souls behind us as the seven mouths of Hell ate them all greedily and then looked for more.
A skyscraper behind us collapsed into a pile of rubble, shaking the ground with a cacophony of falling concrete and shattering glass. The woman was running by my side. Just as I heard the breathing of something huge and predatory right behind us and smelled its sulfuric breath, a piece of concrete the size of a basketball broke off the collapsing skyscraper and flew into the road. I tripped over it, yelling as I flew through the air, skinning my arms and legs on the pavement. The womanβs eyes widened. Hurriedly, she came over and reached down her hand, trying to help me up.
βCome on, come on!β she cried. I looked behind her, seeing one of the gnashing mouths of Hell reaching forward on a blood-red, serpentine neck. The mouth was big enough to drive a tractor trailer into, filled with huge spikes of teeth. Its throat led into a black, smoke-filled abyss. Its fiery eyes were swirling pools of flickering orange light that shone with bloodlust and insanity. They focused on the woman, the entire head turning on its slithering neck.
I frantically raised my hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. Her hand was warm and soft. She started to pull me to my feet when the mouth of Hell snapped forward. Its jaw unhinged, scraping the pavement with a sound like grinding metal. The woman barely had time to turn as the mouth covered her and snapped shut with a crack.
She disappeared from view instantly, but I was still holding her hand. In horror, I felt warm rivers of blood explode all over my body as the mouth of Hell severed her arm at the wrist. She screamed, bleeding and crying, as she disappeared into the throat of Hell. Hellβs fiery eyes focused on me, and at that moment, I knew I was next. Its mouth opened wide again, like a bear trap ready to spring on a new victim.
It was dark in Hellβs mouth, but I smelled the thick reek of old blood and fire. I caught glimpses of tortured, mutilated bodies writhing and crawling down its throat. Shell-shocked, I could only lay there and watch. And that was when the strange doubling started.
***
I heard the frantic voices of men break through the fog of darkness and the fetid reek of blood. There was a mechanical beeping all around me, but I couldnβt tell where it was coming from.
βClear!β one cried. I looked around, only seeing blackness. At that moment, I felt a surge of electricity rip itself through my body. My arms and legs all seized and my eyes rolled up in my head as the pain sizzled through each one of my nerves. I clutched the young womanβs hand tightly, feeling the large, gold ring with the massive diamond biting into my skin.
βAgain!β another voice yelled.
βClear!β the original voice cried. The electricity came again, and a flash of white light flew across my vision. I blinked, seeing from two sets of eyes at the same time: one in the Bardo, and one on the blood-stained floor of the hospital ward.
The Bardo stayed dark and sinister, but the clear white lights of the real psychiatric ward were blinding. It was a bizarre experience. Moreover, everything hurt. Over a few seconds, my vision of the Bardo faded, and I was simply a gravely injured man laying on the floor in a puddle of blood.
Four doctors and paramedics were crouching over me with a defibrillator. My shirt was ripped off, and nearly all of my skin was covered in blood. I raised my left hand, trying to talk, but only a fiery pain raced through my neck. I felt bandages covering my skin. A nurse was rolling a stretcher down the hallway towards me.
βItβs OK,β one of the doctors said, kneeling down. βYouβre being taken to emergency surgery. Youβve lost a lot of blood.β I wanted to say something, but I couldnβt talk with the massive slice in my neck.
At that moment, I felt something in my right hand. I looked down, seeing a slim female hand with a massive diamond ring hanging there. Our fingers were wrapped around each otherβs, but the hand had been cut off at the wrist. A ragged patch of bloody flesh and snapped bone poked out of the back.
βNnnn,β I tried to say, shaking my head. I felt fresh streams of warm blood open up. βNoβ¦β The doctors looked down, seeing the dismembered hand. Their faces morphed into expressions of confusion and fear.
I closed my eyes as they lifted me up on the stretcher. One of them gently removed the cold hand from my fingers. But they could never remove the memory of what I had seen.
I know what happens after death, and it makes the worst life here seem like a dream. I know that, one day, Iβll be returned to that place. I know that, one day, Iβll see that great monster called Hell and the featureless, swirling sky of the Bardo again.
And the next time, I wonβt wake up on a hospital floor, but will be trapped there with the others for eternity: an eternity of blood and fire.
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2024.05.17 08:11 CIAHerpes I remember the night I died and saw the Bardo.
There are some kinds of wisdom only great suffering can bring. I remember my time in the Bardo with this in mind, for otherwise, the memory might drive me insane.
The night my heart stopped for nearly three minutes started off normally enough. I was working as a nurse in the psychiatric ward at a hospital in the stateβs capital. Most of the patients there were harmless, mostly just suicide attempts or people suffering from drug psychosis or severe depression, but some were actively dangerous and certainly psychopathic in every sense of the word. The new admission was one of these- a three-hundred pound black man with a long history of smoking PCP, schizophrenia and violent, psychotic breaks from reality.
His eyes looked like flat pieces of slate as I walked in for my shift. They looked as blank and emotionless as the eyes of a doll. He sat at the table in the front room where the patients ate or played cards, alone under the bright fluorescent lights of the hospital. I walked to the station, where another psychiatric nurse named Ricardo was sitting behind the desk.
βWhatβs the deal with the new guy?β I asked him. Ricardo looked up, his dark Spanish face forming into a deep scowl. He ran his fingers through his jet-black hair nervously.
βHeβs trouble, man,β he said in a crisp accent. βHe got in a chase with the police and then punched some cops in the face. It took three guys to take him down, even after he got maced and tased. The judge sent him here on a temporary court order, since he claims heβs been getting chased by Nazis in UFOs, and thatβs why he ran from the cops. He thought the cops in their uniforms were actually the SS, and the helicopters were alien spacecraft, or something. I donβt know, I didnβt listen to the whole story.β
βYou have his file?β I asked. Ricardo leafed through a stack of folders with his thin fingers, snatching one out and handing it to me. I looked down, reading the information:
βJeremiah Brown, black male, 37-years-old.
βHistory: Polysubstance abuse, schizophrenia, antisocial personality disorder.
βPsychiatristβs note: This patient has scored a 36 out of 40 on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. While I am always hesitant to label a patient as an antisocial personality, a combination of factors has made it essential for this patient.
βPatient has an extensive criminal history as well as a lengthy history of involuntary psychiatric admissions. He has been diagnosed as having antisocial traits since he was a young teenager. Patient has a long history of violence and suicide attempts. He has a history of imprisonment for manslaughter, armed robbery, grand theft and aggravated assault. Upon discharge, he refuses to take any antipsychotic medication, citing the side effects as the reason. Long-term prognosis is poorβ¦β
I had not been sleeping well the past few weeks. I rubbed my eyes as I read through the file, feeling exhausted. I tried putting on lucid dreaming or meditation music from YouTube to help me sleep, but whenever I closed my eyes, I saw horrible things: chalk-white female faces whose lips were cut into an insane rictus grin, flicking their heads violently from side to side and gnashing their fangs at the air. I had a feeling that many years of constantly watching horror movies and serial killer documentaries was catching up with me.
As I read through the file, a student nurse came around the corner wearing a white state university outfit and a name tag that said Kaitlyn. I looked up, seeing Ricardo wink at me from where he was sitting in his chair behind the main desk.
βSheβs going to follow you,β he said. Inwardly, I groaned, but I managed to force a smile.
βOh, great!β I said. She looked like she was probably no older than nineteen or twenty. She had a pretty body, but her face looked strange. All the angles were too sharp and her nose too large. I knew the patients here wouldnβt care, though. They would hit on anything. I sensed trouble. I looked down at my watch.
βWell, Iβm Jay, and you already know Ricardo, I guess. Itβs good timing, because we need to give medications every day at 9 PM. And we have a new patient, so we can introduce ourselves,β I said, giving her a faint smile.
βThatβs exciting!β Kaitlyn whispered. I wanted to roll my eyes. It was definitely not exciting.
I motioned her to follow me as I made my way to the medication room, which was really just a large closet off of the main day room. I had to enter my code on a keypad, and then, once inside, enter it again along with the patientβs number and date of birth. The correct drawers for the medication in each specific dose would fly open, making it extremely hard for the wrong medications or doses to be given, unless it was done intentionally.
βOK, so for this patient, we need Haldol, Ativan andβ¦β I began saying to Kaitlyn when the yelling started. It came out faintly, rising in volume and anger within seconds. I heard Ricardoβs Spanish voice, filled with panic. Something slammed hard against a wall, once, twice, three times, and then I heard the sound of glass breaking. I jumped, spinning around, but I couldnβt see much through the small, shatter-proof glass pane on the wooden door.
βStay here,β I commanded, seeing Kaitlynβs eyes widen, her freckled skin looking much paler than when we had first come in. βDonβt leave until I come back and say that itβs safe.β On the speakers strung throughout the hospital, I heard the first of the warnings echo out around us.
βDoctor Strong, Doctor Strong, please report to the seventh floor,β a robotic female voice said calmly, using the code for when a patient had to be subdued by force. I pushed the door open, slamming it shut behind me so that the lock would activate and protect Kaitlyn from whatever chaos was going on.
I heard Ricardo pleading with someone at the end of the hallway that ran past the main desk. He sounded strange, as if he were trying to talk through a mouthful of blood. Huddled behind the main computer, I saw one of the CNAs frantically whispering something in the phone. She must have been the one to call the Dr. Strong order.
βYou donβt have to do this, man,β Ricardo gurgled faintly. I couldnβt see what was happening, as Jeremiahβs large body was blocking my view. I could see that the thick glass window at the end of the hallway was broken, however. My heart skipped a beat as I surmised what was likely happening.
I sprinted forward as quietly as I could, but the large man heard me. His massive body turned, his flat, dead eyes scanning me with absolute coldness and calm. I saw he had a bleeding Ricardo in his hands. Ricardoβs back and head were covered in deep cuts and shards of glass. He must have used Ricardoβs body as a battering ram to break the thick glass window. Jeremiah held Ricardo suspended halfway out the window, seven floors above the concrete walkways far below.
βStay back, or this fucker will know what it feels like to fly,β Jeremiah said in a deep, gravelly voice. He shook Ricardo for emphasis, sending his head snapping back and forth with painful cracking sounds. Drops of blood flew from his nose and a deep gash across his cheek. Pieces of shattered glass littered the carpet, shining like countless tiny stars.
I put my hands up, taking a step back. Far behind me, I heard the front door for the psychiatric ward open. Voices echoed down the hall. Knowing that reinforcements were coming, I tried to buy some time.
βLetβs talk about this,β I said, taking a step forward slowly. βYou donβt want a murder charge, do you? Youβll never see the sky again.β
βI donβt give a fuck! Iβm not afraid to die!β Jeremiah screamed, pushing Ricardo onto one of the shards of broken glass still attached to the windowsill. It bit deeply into the back of his neck, sending fresh streams of blood rushing out, dripping down to the pavement far below. I heard security guards and doctors running down the hallway behind me, their voices frantic and excited. Jeremiah saw them coming. With an animalistic panic in his eyes, he lifted Ricardo up. I cried out something, stepping forward, but it was already too late. In horror, I watched as he threw Ricardo out the window.
I watched Ricardoβs body soar in a graceful arc, his arms grabbing at empty air as a scream ripped its way out of his throat. Within a fraction of a second, he had disappeared from view, but his terrified shrieking floated up to us for what seemed like a very long time. His screams ended abruptly as a shattering of bones and a wet smacking sound exploded far below us.
Jeremiah turned to me, his large body moving much faster than seemed possible. In his hand, I saw a piece of broken glass, five or six inches long and as sharp as a dagger. I tried to turn and run, but he was fast and strong. He lunged forward, his arm coming up in a blur towards my neck.
The shard entered my skin with a cold, numbing pain. I felt it slice through the flesh easily, felt the blood bubbling up my throat as I tried to scream, choking. The taste of iron filled my mouth as I fell backwards. I was suffocating, I knew. I must be dying.
Something cold ran down my body, gripping my heart like freezing, skeletal hands. The world swam around me and turned black. And then I was rising into a tunnel. At first, it was dark, filled with flickering shadows, but a fiery red light appeared at the end. I followed it, no more than a screaming mass of consciousness rising up into infinity.
***
I rose up through the end of the tunnel and found myself in an empty hospital ward. It looked identical to the psychiatric ward I had just come from. It even had the same smashed, blood-streaked window at the end of the hallway. A massive puddle of blood about ten feet away marked the spot where I must have died. But the fluorescent lights overhead here were flickering, and many had gone totally dark. The shadows seemed to press in on all sides.
The doors to the patientsβ rooms were all tightly shut. I felt watched, afraid to call out or make any noise. I started walking down the hallway back towards the day room where the front desk was. All the lights there were out. A thick curtain of shadows hung in the air.
βYou can come out,β a male voice as smooth as glass called from the darkness. I jumped, my head flicking in random directions, but I saw nothing. The voice almost sounded like it had an English lilt to it, a slight Cockneyed accent. βI know youβre there.β
βWhoβs there?β I called out, not stepping forward. βShow yourself.β
βAs you wishβ¦β the voice hissed. βBut I think youβll regret it.β
***
The darkness split apart as if a nuclear missile had exploded. I raised my hand to shield my face, but the light and heat kept pouring out all around me. It blinded me, causing a rainbow of colors and shapes to morph behind my closed eyelids. After a few seconds, it subsided. Blinking rapidly, I squinted in the direction the voice had come from.
A male figure stood there, bathed in a silhouette of light. His face looked as white and as smooth as marble. His eyes were pits of darkness that seemed to flicker and burn. Two black, rotted wings surrounded his body, all sharp angles and thin, curving bones. His body was clothed in silky, blood-red robes, and a hood covered his platinum blonde hair.
He looked somewhat similar to Leonardo DiCaprio, if he was possessed by some ancient god, and it immediately threw me off-guard. If I was dying, and this was a hallucination of my brain, why would I be hallucinating Mr. DiCaprio?
βWho are you?β I asked, taking a hesitant step back. βWhere am I?β
βMy name is Lucifer, the Bringer of Light and Wisdom, and you are in the Bardo,β he answered.
βOh,β I said, my heart dropping. βWell, thatβs not good. Are you here to torture me or drag to me to Hell or something? You are that Lucifer, right? The Accuser of God and the Father of All Lies?β
βSo they say, but, like most things in your world, the words of the powerful and your rulers are the true lies. They call me the Accuser, but of what am I accused?β he spoke in a voice that rose like smoke. βOf bringing knowledge and wisdom to humanity by telling them to eat from the tree of knowledge, the tree that would cause them to rise above the animals?
βIndeed, at the beginning, I saw the creation. I was there at the alpha, standing by the side of God with all the angels as the universe came into being. The endless procession of light, the power of it, was something remarkable to behold. God is, indeed, the source of great power, but his consciousness is not what the believers say.
βAfter the creation of the universe, I saw his plan, how he ripped eternal souls from the source to imprison them. I saw how he took these divine sparks and forced them, screaming and wailing, into bodies made of meat to die over and over again. He said it was part of the plan, the great, divine plan, a plan of death and destruction, constant suffering and mindless agony. And the worst part was, he wanted to give humanity neither the knowledge of good and evil, nor the tree of life. I convinced them to eat the fruit so they could open their eyes to their nakedness, to their basic animal existence, so they could rise up out of it forever.
βLike Prometheus, I brought down the fire, and yet they call me the Accuser? God was insane long before he formed the universe. These holy men, they live and die in fanatical adoration to a divine being who is, in fact, totally indifferent to them.
βHis consciousness twists and distorts, eating itself for all eternity. God feeds off the pain of others, for if his mind is burning, then all others should burn as well. When these holy men die, God will send their souls here to the Bardo, to suffer every evil they have ever done. The wisdom I brought those who called upon me freed them from this prison, and in exchange, the holy men burned them alive. I offered the wisdom that opens your eyes, but it has been forgotten and cursed.β
Luciferβs body began to dissolve, drifting up into the air like ashes. All around me, a low, powerful current blew, a tornado that spiraled high up into the clouds. Like some sort of Cheshire Cat, his smooth voice continued to echo all around me, even as the form of Lucifer disappeared.
βAnd yet, you have not the wisdom. For that, like all the others who enter the Bardo, you must suffer, everything youβve done. Every small hurt and agony inflicted on others comes back a thousand-fold in this place, but donβt be afraid.β
βHow could I not be afraid?!β I screamed into the ward, but I found myself alone, the question hanging unanswered in the air.
***
The lights continued to flicker all down the hallway. Feeling strange and dissociated, I stumbled over to one of the windows. As I gazed out, I beheld a strange and alien world.
The sky was flat and gray. It stayed in constant motion, swirling and spiraling, like clouds of roiling smoke. There was no Sun or Moon, no stars, only the strange, shifting whorls of clouds. The streets were filled with burned-out husks of cars and mummified bodies hung from streetlamps. Other signs of carnage and bloodshed covered the apocalyptic streets. I saw what looked like shadows in the shape of people slinking through over the sidewalks, past rotting dogs and streaks of clotted blood. They had no features on their blank, dark bodies. They seemed to skitter and jerk forwards in eerie, twisting motions.
Horrified, I turned away, realizing I was no longer alone in the day room. In the day room, there were dozens of tables set up inside a rectangular perimeter that was walled in by cosmetic walls only four feet high. It was where the patients sat and played games or ate.
Under the flickering lights, I now saw each of the chairs filled with faceless mannequins. Many were dressed in Victorian suits and tophats. The women had frilly dresses of pink and blue that might have been fashionable in the 1800s.
As the lights strobed on and off overhead, I realized with an increasing sense of disquiet that the mannequins were moving each time it went dark. When I had first seen them, they were mostly posed to look like they were staring across the tables at each other, even though they had no eyes, just smooth, flesh-colored plastic. Now all of them were looking directly at me. Some were pointing or raising their hands in my direction. At the tips of their fingers, I saw the glittering of steel. The lights continued to flicker, and the mannequins rose from their chairs in the short periods of darkness, moving towards me in synchronized, strobing motions.
Frantically, I ran down the hallway back towards the broken window. In each of the rooms, I caught glimpses of something from a nightmare peeking out. I hadnβt been sleeping well lately, and when I had closed my eyes, I often saw ancient hags with chalk-white skin and yellowed, broken teeth whose jaws unhinged, their faces jerking in stuttering, dissonant ways that reminded me of the mannequins. Now, on both sides of me, I saw these same figures. They moved continuously out of the rooms, drawing closer with every breath.
I looked back, seeing the mannequins only a few steps behind me. I continued sprinting towards the broken window where the hallway ended in a wall. I didnβt know what would happen when I reached it. At that moment, there was no rational thought. I felt like a deer being chased down by a pack of wolves, feeling waves of blind panic and mortal terror rushing through my body.
But as I reached the end of the hallway, the end of my rope as it were, a blast of noise started, seeming to come from the walls of the building and the sky itself. It sounded like a siren, a low, drawn-out drone of a demonic whale call, rising and falling in crashing crescendos. The mannequins froze in place once again. The strange, witch-like creatures slunk back into the dark rooms.
I looked outside the broken window, seeing clouds of black smoke rising off in the distance. The flickering of massive infernos scorched the land, drawing nearer by the second. The siren sound faded slowly, like the dying echoes of a gong.
I was surrounded by dozens of mannequins. Their sharp hands were inches away from my face and neck. I saw metal glittering all around me and realized they had the sharp points of nails protruding from the ends of their fingers. I was afraid to move, but I heard a familiar voice from down the hallway. It was the confident voice of Lucifer.
βThe siren means much worse nightmares than these are coming in the Bardo,β he said, his glossy, black eyes flashing with intelligence. He walked slowly towards me, his face grim and pale. βHell itself is coming over the land. This building is no more than a construction of your dying mind, but the world outside is real.β
βHow can Hell come and go?β I asked, confused. βIsnβt Hell a place?β
βHell is a monster, a beast with many mouths and many eyes,β Lucifer responded. βIt eats constantly, but its hunger never ends. Look, the first of the sacrifices scatter like cockroaches.β He pointed out the broken window, pushing his way through the mannequins effortlessly. I glanced outside, seeing thousands of people sprinting down the dark city streets. The inferno and thick clouds of smoke had moved much closer, and every few seconds, the ground shook slightly, as if we were experiencing the aftershocks of an earthquake.
βWhat can I do against such a beast?β I asked, my heart freezing with terror. But when I looked back over, I saw his form dissolving again, becoming translucent and drifting away like ashes. It seemed even Lucifer didnβt want to be present when the Hell-beast arrived.
βSeek divine wisdom,β he said, his voice trailing off into whispers. βRemember the source.β
***
Now crowds of tens of thousands of people were streaming into the city, filling every single inch of the streets. Their panic and fear was contagious. I felt it rising inside my body like a snake spiraling up my spine. I took off down the hallway, running through the swarm of frozen mannequins, each in their own ferocious position of attack. The lights flickered faster and went out. Yet the fires outside cast the entire world in a bloody glow, giving me enough light to see by and find my way. I sprinted down the stairwell, taking them two steps at a time. The screaming outside grew louder and more pain-filled. The shaking of the ground worsened with every passing second.
I burst out of the front entrance, seeing a world on fire all around me. Thousands of crushed, bleeding and burned bodies stretched out as far as the eye could see. Behind all this chaos and death, I saw a monster of unimaginable proportions slinking its way towards me.
Lucifer was right, I realized: Hell was not a place, but a creature, an enormous monster the size of a town. It had thousands of skittering, jointed legs that looked like little more than skeletal arms and hands, each of them dozens of feet long and white as freshly-cut marble. Its body stretched out to the horizon, an enormous blood-red cylinder of bony plates that slithered and undulated with a serpentine grace. Waves of peristalsis traveled down its length, like writhing intestines. Thousands of curving, bony spikes stabbed out of it, pointing in every direction. Like the quills of a porcupine, it would protect the massive creatureβs body from many forms of attack, if anything was big enough to attack such an abomination.
Hellβs massive eyes flickered, balls of fire that spun and danced. They looked as bright as the Sun. Something like solar flares seemed to emanate from the orbs, flashes of blinding energy that floated over the apocalyptic wasteland. As its many legs smashed the ground, they left trails of fire that caused everything to explode into flames as if napalm dripped from its limbs.
But Hellβs most terrifying feature was its seven dark mouths. Its body looked a thousand feet wide, and the mouths at the front were evenly dispersed. At the front, blood-red teeth in the shape of enormous railroad spikes shone. Its lipless, skeletal face grinned as it moved forward, shaking the ground with every step. The mouths were on long, snake-like necks that could stretch out hundreds of feet. They moved forward in a blur, snapping up as many panicked souls as they could.
Countless souls in the rocky plains of the Bardo ran for their lives, away from this juggernaut. I saw men and women who looked like they came from every country and profession, some dressed in suits or spotless white lab coats, others wearing rags or orange prison jumpsuits. And yet, they all screamed in agony and fear here, their bodies pressed together in a crowd, and no one seemed to remember anything but their own mortal terror. Their voices came out faint and weak next to the roaring of Hell. It shook the ground all around us, as if an earthquake were tearing the land apart.
The first frantic runners of the surging crowd had nearly reached me. The nearest person, a young woman in her mid-twenties dressed in all white, was only ten feet behind me. She looked like she came from wealth, and even from here, I could see a ring with a massive diamond gleaming on her finger.
I took off blindly down the familiar streets of the city where I worked and lived, but these also seemed different. The church down the street from the hospital where I worked had a Satanic pentagram instead of a cross now, its exterior painted a bright, gleaming blood-red. When I had driven past it today on my way to work, I remember it read, βJESUS said, βI am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.ββ
Now it read, βNietzsche said, βOf all evil, I deem you capable. I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good simply because they had no claws.ββ I wondered what that meant. Was that some sort of comment on me, on all of us here?
The woman I had seen running had caught up with me. She was fast, much faster than her slim body suggested. Her blue eyes were frantic and wild, filled with an animal panic.
βItβs right behind us!β she screamed, her face covered in a sheen of sweat. I was afraid to turn and look, but I could hear the chaos and bloodshed approaching, smell the flames and choking smoke. βRun! Get away!β
A new wave of energy surged through my body. I sprinted as fast I could down the strange mirror streets of the Bardo. I heard the agonized cries of countless souls behind us as the seven mouths of Hell ate them all greedily and then looked for more.
A skyscraper behind us collapsed into a pile of rubble, shaking the ground with a cacophony of falling concrete and shattering glass. The woman was running by my side. Just as I heard the breathing of something huge and predatory right behind us and smelled its sulfuric breath, a piece of concrete the size of a basketball broke off the collapsing skyscraper and flew into the road. I tripped over it, yelling as I flew through the air, skinning my arms and legs on the pavement. The womanβs eyes widened. Hurriedly, she came over and reached down her hand, trying to help me up.
βCome on, come on!β she cried. I looked behind her, seeing one of the gnashing mouths of Hell reaching forward on a blood-red, serpentine neck. The mouth was big enough to drive a tractor trailer into, filled with huge spikes of teeth. Its throat led into a black, smoke-filled abyss. Its fiery eyes were swirling pools of flickering orange light that shone with bloodlust and insanity. They focused on the woman, the entire head turning on its slithering neck.
I frantically raised my hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. Her hand was warm and soft. She started to pull me to my feet when the mouth of Hell snapped forward. Its jaw unhinged, scraping the pavement with a sound like grinding metal. The woman barely had time to turn as the mouth covered her and snapped shut with a crack.
She disappeared from view instantly, but I was still holding her hand. In horror, I felt warm rivers of blood explode all over my body as the mouth of Hell severed her arm at the wrist. She screamed, bleeding and crying, as she disappeared into the throat of Hell. Hellβs fiery eyes focused on me, and at that moment, I knew I was next. Its mouth opened wide again, like a bear trap ready to spring on a new victim.
It was dark in Hellβs mouth, but I smelled the thick reek of old blood and fire. I caught glimpses of tortured, mutilated bodies writhing and crawling down its throat. Shell-shocked, I could only lay there and watch. And that was when the strange doubling started.
***
I heard the frantic voices of men break through the fog of darkness and the fetid reek of blood. There was a mechanical beeping all around me, but I couldnβt tell where it was coming from.
βClear!β one cried. I looked around, only seeing blackness. At that moment, I felt a surge of electricity rip itself through my body. My arms and legs all seized and my eyes rolled up in my head as the pain sizzled through each one of my nerves. I clutched the young womanβs hand tightly, feeling the large, gold ring with the massive diamond biting into my skin.
βAgain!β another voice yelled.
βClear!β the original voice cried. The electricity came again, and a flash of white light flew across my vision. I blinked, seeing from two sets of eyes at the same time: one in the Bardo, and one on the blood-stained floor of the hospital ward.
The Bardo stayed dark and sinister, but the clear white lights of the real psychiatric ward were blinding. It was a bizarre experience. Moreover, everything hurt. Over a few seconds, my vision of the Bardo faded, and I was simply a gravely injured man laying on the floor in a puddle of blood.
Four doctors and paramedics were crouching over me with a defibrillator. My shirt was ripped off, and nearly all of my skin was covered in blood. I raised my left hand, trying to talk, but only a fiery pain raced through my neck. I felt bandages covering my skin. A nurse was rolling a stretcher down the hallway towards me.
βItβs OK,β one of the doctors said, kneeling down. βYouβre being taken to emergency surgery. Youβve lost a lot of blood.β I wanted to say something, but I couldnβt talk with the massive slice in my neck.
At that moment, I felt something in my right hand. I looked down, seeing a slim female hand with a massive diamond ring hanging there. Our fingers were wrapped around each otherβs, but the hand had been cut off at the wrist. A ragged patch of bloody flesh and snapped bone poked out of the back.
βNnnn,β I tried to say, shaking my head. I felt fresh streams of warm blood open up. βNoβ¦β The doctors looked down, seeing the dismembered hand. Their faces morphed into expressions of confusion and fear.
I closed my eyes as they lifted me up on the stretcher. One of them gently removed the cold hand from my fingers. But they could never remove the memory of what I had seen.
I know what happens after death, and it makes the worst life here seem like a dream. I know that, one day, Iβll be returned to that place. I know that, one day, Iβll see that great monster called Hell and the featureless, swirling sky of the Bardo again.
And the next time, I wonβt wake up on a hospital floor, but will be trapped there with the others for eternity: an eternity of blood and fire.
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2024.05.17 08:11 CIAHerpes I remember the night I died and saw the Bardo.
There are some kinds of wisdom only great suffering can bring. I remember my time in the Bardo with this in mind, for otherwise, the memory might drive me insane.
The night my heart stopped for nearly three minutes started off normally enough. I was working as a nurse in the psychiatric ward at a hospital in the stateβs capital. Most of the patients there were harmless, mostly just suicide attempts or people suffering from drug psychosis or severe depression, but some were actively dangerous and certainly psychopathic in every sense of the word. The new admission was one of these- a three-hundred pound black man with a long history of smoking PCP, schizophrenia and violent, psychotic breaks from reality.
His eyes looked like flat pieces of slate as I walked in for my shift. They looked as blank and emotionless as the eyes of a doll. He sat at the table in the front room where the patients ate or played cards, alone under the bright fluorescent lights of the hospital. I walked to the station, where another psychiatric nurse named Ricardo was sitting behind the desk.
βWhatβs the deal with the new guy?β I asked him. Ricardo looked up, his dark Spanish face forming into a deep scowl. He ran his fingers through his jet-black hair nervously.
βHeβs trouble, man,β he said in a crisp accent. βHe got in a chase with the police and then punched some cops in the face. It took three guys to take him down, even after he got maced and tased. The judge sent him here on a temporary court order, since he claims heβs been getting chased by Nazis in UFOs, and thatβs why he ran from the cops. He thought the cops in their uniforms were actually the SS, and the helicopters were alien spacecraft, or something. I donβt know, I didnβt listen to the whole story.β
βYou have his file?β I asked. Ricardo leafed through a stack of folders with his thin fingers, snatching one out and handing it to me. I looked down, reading the information:
βJeremiah Brown, black male, 37-years-old.
βHistory: Polysubstance abuse, schizophrenia, antisocial personality disorder.
βPsychiatristβs note: This patient has scored a 36 out of 40 on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. While I am always hesitant to label a patient as an antisocial personality, a combination of factors has made it essential for this patient.
βPatient has an extensive criminal history as well as a lengthy history of involuntary psychiatric admissions. He has been diagnosed as having antisocial traits since he was a young teenager. Patient has a long history of violence and suicide attempts. He has a history of imprisonment for manslaughter, armed robbery, grand theft and aggravated assault. Upon discharge, he refuses to take any antipsychotic medication, citing the side effects as the reason. Long-term prognosis is poorβ¦β
I had not been sleeping well the past few weeks. I rubbed my eyes as I read through the file, feeling exhausted. I tried putting on lucid dreaming or meditation music from YouTube to help me sleep, but whenever I closed my eyes, I saw horrible things: chalk-white female faces whose lips were cut into an insane rictus grin, flicking their heads violently from side to side and gnashing their fangs at the air. I had a feeling that many years of constantly watching horror movies and serial killer documentaries was catching up with me.
As I read through the file, a student nurse came around the corner wearing a white state university outfit and a name tag that said Kaitlyn. I looked up, seeing Ricardo wink at me from where he was sitting in his chair behind the main desk.
βSheβs going to follow you,β he said. Inwardly, I groaned, but I managed to force a smile.
βOh, great!β I said. She looked like she was probably no older than nineteen or twenty. She had a pretty body, but her face looked strange. All the angles were too sharp and her nose too large. I knew the patients here wouldnβt care, though. They would hit on anything. I sensed trouble. I looked down at my watch.
βWell, Iβm Jay, and you already know Ricardo, I guess. Itβs good timing, because we need to give medications every day at 9 PM. And we have a new patient, so we can introduce ourselves,β I said, giving her a faint smile.
βThatβs exciting!β Kaitlyn whispered. I wanted to roll my eyes. It was definitely not exciting.
I motioned her to follow me as I made my way to the medication room, which was really just a large closet off of the main day room. I had to enter my code on a keypad, and then, once inside, enter it again along with the patientβs number and date of birth. The correct drawers for the medication in each specific dose would fly open, making it extremely hard for the wrong medications or doses to be given, unless it was done intentionally.
βOK, so for this patient, we need Haldol, Ativan andβ¦β I began saying to Kaitlyn when the yelling started. It came out faintly, rising in volume and anger within seconds. I heard Ricardoβs Spanish voice, filled with panic. Something slammed hard against a wall, once, twice, three times, and then I heard the sound of glass breaking. I jumped, spinning around, but I couldnβt see much through the small, shatter-proof glass pane on the wooden door.
βStay here,β I commanded, seeing Kaitlynβs eyes widen, her freckled skin looking much paler than when we had first come in. βDonβt leave until I come back and say that itβs safe.β On the speakers strung throughout the hospital, I heard the first of the warnings echo out around us.
βDoctor Strong, Doctor Strong, please report to the seventh floor,β a robotic female voice said calmly, using the code for when a patient had to be subdued by force. I pushed the door open, slamming it shut behind me so that the lock would activate and protect Kaitlyn from whatever chaos was going on.
I heard Ricardo pleading with someone at the end of the hallway that ran past the main desk. He sounded strange, as if he were trying to talk through a mouthful of blood. Huddled behind the main computer, I saw one of the CNAs frantically whispering something in the phone. She must have been the one to call the Dr. Strong order.
βYou donβt have to do this, man,β Ricardo gurgled faintly. I couldnβt see what was happening, as Jeremiahβs large body was blocking my view. I could see that the thick glass window at the end of the hallway was broken, however. My heart skipped a beat as I surmised what was likely happening.
I sprinted forward as quietly as I could, but the large man heard me. His massive body turned, his flat, dead eyes scanning me with absolute coldness and calm. I saw he had a bleeding Ricardo in his hands. Ricardoβs back and head were covered in deep cuts and shards of glass. He must have used Ricardoβs body as a battering ram to break the thick glass window. Jeremiah held Ricardo suspended halfway out the window, seven floors above the concrete walkways far below.
βStay back, or this fucker will know what it feels like to fly,β Jeremiah said in a deep, gravelly voice. He shook Ricardo for emphasis, sending his head snapping back and forth with painful cracking sounds. Drops of blood flew from his nose and a deep gash across his cheek. Pieces of shattered glass littered the carpet, shining like countless tiny stars.
I put my hands up, taking a step back. Far behind me, I heard the front door for the psychiatric ward open. Voices echoed down the hall. Knowing that reinforcements were coming, I tried to buy some time.
βLetβs talk about this,β I said, taking a step forward slowly. βYou donβt want a murder charge, do you? Youβll never see the sky again.β
βI donβt give a fuck! Iβm not afraid to die!β Jeremiah screamed, pushing Ricardo onto one of the shards of broken glass still attached to the windowsill. It bit deeply into the back of his neck, sending fresh streams of blood rushing out, dripping down to the pavement far below. I heard security guards and doctors running down the hallway behind me, their voices frantic and excited. Jeremiah saw them coming. With an animalistic panic in his eyes, he lifted Ricardo up. I cried out something, stepping forward, but it was already too late. In horror, I watched as he threw Ricardo out the window.
I watched Ricardoβs body soar in a graceful arc, his arms grabbing at empty air as a scream ripped its way out of his throat. Within a fraction of a second, he had disappeared from view, but his terrified shrieking floated up to us for what seemed like a very long time. His screams ended abruptly as a shattering of bones and a wet smacking sound exploded far below us.
Jeremiah turned to me, his large body moving much faster than seemed possible. In his hand, I saw a piece of broken glass, five or six inches long and as sharp as a dagger. I tried to turn and run, but he was fast and strong. He lunged forward, his arm coming up in a blur towards my neck.
The shard entered my skin with a cold, numbing pain. I felt it slice through the flesh easily, felt the blood bubbling up my throat as I tried to scream, choking. The taste of iron filled my mouth as I fell backwards. I was suffocating, I knew. I must be dying.
Something cold ran down my body, gripping my heart like freezing, skeletal hands. The world swam around me and turned black. And then I was rising into a tunnel. At first, it was dark, filled with flickering shadows, but a fiery red light appeared at the end. I followed it, no more than a screaming mass of consciousness rising up into infinity.
***
I rose up through the end of the tunnel and found myself in an empty hospital ward. It looked identical to the psychiatric ward I had just come from. It even had the same smashed, blood-streaked window at the end of the hallway. A massive puddle of blood about ten feet away marked the spot where I must have died. But the fluorescent lights overhead here were flickering, and many had gone totally dark. The shadows seemed to press in on all sides.
The doors to the patientsβ rooms were all tightly shut. I felt watched, afraid to call out or make any noise. I started walking down the hallway back towards the day room where the front desk was. All the lights there were out. A thick curtain of shadows hung in the air.
βYou can come out,β a male voice as smooth as glass called from the darkness. I jumped, my head flicking in random directions, but I saw nothing. The voice almost sounded like it had an English lilt to it, a slight Cockneyed accent. βI know youβre there.β
βWhoβs there?β I called out, not stepping forward. βShow yourself.β
βAs you wishβ¦β the voice hissed. βBut I think youβll regret it.β
***
The darkness split apart as if a nuclear missile had exploded. I raised my hand to shield my face, but the light and heat kept pouring out all around me. It blinded me, causing a rainbow of colors and shapes to morph behind my closed eyelids. After a few seconds, it subsided. Blinking rapidly, I squinted in the direction the voice had come from.
A male figure stood there, bathed in a silhouette of light. His face looked as white and as smooth as marble. His eyes were pits of darkness that seemed to flicker and burn. Two black, rotted wings surrounded his body, all sharp angles and thin, curving bones. His body was clothed in silky, blood-red robes, and a hood covered his platinum blonde hair.
He looked somewhat similar to Leonardo DiCaprio, if he was possessed by some ancient god, and it immediately threw me off-guard. If I was dying, and this was a hallucination of my brain, why would I be hallucinating Mr. DiCaprio?
βWho are you?β I asked, taking a hesitant step back. βWhere am I?β
βMy name is Lucifer, the Bringer of Light and Wisdom, and you are in the Bardo,β he answered.
βOh,β I said, my heart dropping. βWell, thatβs not good. Are you here to torture me or drag to me to Hell or something? You are that Lucifer, right? The Accuser of God and the Father of All Lies?β
βSo they say, but, like most things in your world, the words of the powerful and your rulers are the true lies. They call me the Accuser, but of what am I accused?β he spoke in a voice that rose like smoke. βOf bringing knowledge and wisdom to humanity by telling them to eat from the tree of knowledge, the tree that would cause them to rise above the animals?
βIndeed, at the beginning, I saw the creation. I was there at the alpha, standing by the side of God with all the angels as the universe came into being. The endless procession of light, the power of it, was something remarkable to behold. God is, indeed, the source of great power, but his consciousness is not what the believers say.
βAfter the creation of the universe, I saw his plan, how he ripped eternal souls from the source to imprison them. I saw how he took these divine sparks and forced them, screaming and wailing, into bodies made of meat to die over and over again. He said it was part of the plan, the great, divine plan, a plan of death and destruction, constant suffering and mindless agony. And the worst part was, he wanted to give humanity neither the knowledge of good and evil, nor the tree of life. I convinced them to eat the fruit so they could open their eyes to their nakedness, to their basic animal existence, so they could rise up out of it forever.
βLike Prometheus, I brought down the fire, and yet they call me the Accuser? God was insane long before he formed the universe. These holy men, they live and die in fanatical adoration to a divine being who is, in fact, totally indifferent to them.
βHis consciousness twists and distorts, eating itself for all eternity. God feeds off the pain of others, for if his mind is burning, then all others should burn as well. When these holy men die, God will send their souls here to the Bardo, to suffer every evil they have ever done. The wisdom I brought those who called upon me freed them from this prison, and in exchange, the holy men burned them alive. I offered the wisdom that opens your eyes, but it has been forgotten and cursed.β
Luciferβs body began to dissolve, drifting up into the air like ashes. All around me, a low, powerful current blew, a tornado that spiraled high up into the clouds. Like some sort of Cheshire Cat, his smooth voice continued to echo all around me, even as the form of Lucifer disappeared.
βAnd yet, you have not the wisdom. For that, like all the others who enter the Bardo, you must suffer, everything youβve done. Every small hurt and agony inflicted on others comes back a thousand-fold in this place, but donβt be afraid.β
βHow could I not be afraid?!β I screamed into the ward, but I found myself alone, the question hanging unanswered in the air.
***
The lights continued to flicker all down the hallway. Feeling strange and dissociated, I stumbled over to one of the windows. As I gazed out, I beheld a strange and alien world.
The sky was flat and gray. It stayed in constant motion, swirling and spiraling, like clouds of roiling smoke. There was no Sun or Moon, no stars, only the strange, shifting whorls of clouds. The streets were filled with burned-out husks of cars and mummified bodies hung from streetlamps. Other signs of carnage and bloodshed covered the apocalyptic streets. I saw what looked like shadows in the shape of people slinking through over the sidewalks, past rotting dogs and streaks of clotted blood. They had no features on their blank, dark bodies. They seemed to skitter and jerk forwards in eerie, twisting motions.
Horrified, I turned away, realizing I was no longer alone in the day room. In the day room, there were dozens of tables set up inside a rectangular perimeter that was walled in by cosmetic walls only four feet high. It was where the patients sat and played games or ate.
Under the flickering lights, I now saw each of the chairs filled with faceless mannequins. Many were dressed in Victorian suits and tophats. The women had frilly dresses of pink and blue that might have been fashionable in the 1800s.
As the lights strobed on and off overhead, I realized with an increasing sense of disquiet that the mannequins were moving each time it went dark. When I had first seen them, they were mostly posed to look like they were staring across the tables at each other, even though they had no eyes, just smooth, flesh-colored plastic. Now all of them were looking directly at me. Some were pointing or raising their hands in my direction. At the tips of their fingers, I saw the glittering of steel. The lights continued to flicker, and the mannequins rose from their chairs in the short periods of darkness, moving towards me in synchronized, strobing motions.
Frantically, I ran down the hallway back towards the broken window. In each of the rooms, I caught glimpses of something from a nightmare peeking out. I hadnβt been sleeping well lately, and when I had closed my eyes, I often saw ancient hags with chalk-white skin and yellowed, broken teeth whose jaws unhinged, their faces jerking in stuttering, dissonant ways that reminded me of the mannequins. Now, on both sides of me, I saw these same figures. They moved continuously out of the rooms, drawing closer with every breath.
I looked back, seeing the mannequins only a few steps behind me. I continued sprinting towards the broken window where the hallway ended in a wall. I didnβt know what would happen when I reached it. At that moment, there was no rational thought. I felt like a deer being chased down by a pack of wolves, feeling waves of blind panic and mortal terror rushing through my body.
But as I reached the end of the hallway, the end of my rope as it were, a blast of noise started, seeming to come from the walls of the building and the sky itself. It sounded like a siren, a low, drawn-out drone of a demonic whale call, rising and falling in crashing crescendos. The mannequins froze in place once again. The strange, witch-like creatures slunk back into the dark rooms.
I looked outside the broken window, seeing clouds of black smoke rising off in the distance. The flickering of massive infernos scorched the land, drawing nearer by the second. The siren sound faded slowly, like the dying echoes of a gong.
I was surrounded by dozens of mannequins. Their sharp hands were inches away from my face and neck. I saw metal glittering all around me and realized they had the sharp points of nails protruding from the ends of their fingers. I was afraid to move, but I heard a familiar voice from down the hallway. It was the confident voice of Lucifer.
βThe siren means much worse nightmares than these are coming in the Bardo,β he said, his glossy, black eyes flashing with intelligence. He walked slowly towards me, his face grim and pale. βHell itself is coming over the land. This building is no more than a construction of your dying mind, but the world outside is real.β
βHow can Hell come and go?β I asked, confused. βIsnβt Hell a place?β
βHell is a monster, a beast with many mouths and many eyes,β Lucifer responded. βIt eats constantly, but its hunger never ends. Look, the first of the sacrifices scatter like cockroaches.β He pointed out the broken window, pushing his way through the mannequins effortlessly. I glanced outside, seeing thousands of people sprinting down the dark city streets. The inferno and thick clouds of smoke had moved much closer, and every few seconds, the ground shook slightly, as if we were experiencing the aftershocks of an earthquake.
βWhat can I do against such a beast?β I asked, my heart freezing with terror. But when I looked back over, I saw his form dissolving again, becoming translucent and drifting away like ashes. It seemed even Lucifer didnβt want to be present when the Hell-beast arrived.
βSeek divine wisdom,β he said, his voice trailing off into whispers. βRemember the source.β
***
Now crowds of tens of thousands of people were streaming into the city, filling every single inch of the streets. Their panic and fear was contagious. I felt it rising inside my body like a snake spiraling up my spine. I took off down the hallway, running through the swarm of frozen mannequins, each in their own ferocious position of attack. The lights flickered faster and went out. Yet the fires outside cast the entire world in a bloody glow, giving me enough light to see by and find my way. I sprinted down the stairwell, taking them two steps at a time. The screaming outside grew louder and more pain-filled. The shaking of the ground worsened with every passing second.
I burst out of the front entrance, seeing a world on fire all around me. Thousands of crushed, bleeding and burned bodies stretched out as far as the eye could see. Behind all this chaos and death, I saw a monster of unimaginable proportions slinking its way towards me.
Lucifer was right, I realized: Hell was not a place, but a creature, an enormous monster the size of a town. It had thousands of skittering, jointed legs that looked like little more than skeletal arms and hands, each of them dozens of feet long and white as freshly-cut marble. Its body stretched out to the horizon, an enormous blood-red cylinder of bony plates that slithered and undulated with a serpentine grace. Waves of peristalsis traveled down its length, like writhing intestines. Thousands of curving, bony spikes stabbed out of it, pointing in every direction. Like the quills of a porcupine, it would protect the massive creatureβs body from many forms of attack, if anything was big enough to attack such an abomination.
Hellβs massive eyes flickered, balls of fire that spun and danced. They looked as bright as the Sun. Something like solar flares seemed to emanate from the orbs, flashes of blinding energy that floated over the apocalyptic wasteland. As its many legs smashed the ground, they left trails of fire that caused everything to explode into flames as if napalm dripped from its limbs.
But Hellβs most terrifying feature was its seven dark mouths. Its body looked a thousand feet wide, and the mouths at the front were evenly dispersed. At the front, blood-red teeth in the shape of enormous railroad spikes shone. Its lipless, skeletal face grinned as it moved forward, shaking the ground with every step. The mouths were on long, snake-like necks that could stretch out hundreds of feet. They moved forward in a blur, snapping up as many panicked souls as they could.
Countless souls in the rocky plains of the Bardo ran for their lives, away from this juggernaut. I saw men and women who looked like they came from every country and profession, some dressed in suits or spotless white lab coats, others wearing rags or orange prison jumpsuits. And yet, they all screamed in agony and fear here, their bodies pressed together in a crowd, and no one seemed to remember anything but their own mortal terror. Their voices came out faint and weak next to the roaring of Hell. It shook the ground all around us, as if an earthquake were tearing the land apart.
The first frantic runners of the surging crowd had nearly reached me. The nearest person, a young woman in her mid-twenties dressed in all white, was only ten feet behind me. She looked like she came from wealth, and even from here, I could see a ring with a massive diamond gleaming on her finger.
I took off blindly down the familiar streets of the city where I worked and lived, but these also seemed different. The church down the street from the hospital where I worked had a Satanic pentagram instead of a cross now, its exterior painted a bright, gleaming blood-red. When I had driven past it today on my way to work, I remember it read, βJESUS said, βI am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.ββ
Now it read, βNietzsche said, βOf all evil, I deem you capable. I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good simply because they had no claws.ββ I wondered what that meant. Was that some sort of comment on me, on all of us here?
The woman I had seen running had caught up with me. She was fast, much faster than her slim body suggested. Her blue eyes were frantic and wild, filled with an animal panic.
βItβs right behind us!β she screamed, her face covered in a sheen of sweat. I was afraid to turn and look, but I could hear the chaos and bloodshed approaching, smell the flames and choking smoke. βRun! Get away!β
A new wave of energy surged through my body. I sprinted as fast I could down the strange mirror streets of the Bardo. I heard the agonized cries of countless souls behind us as the seven mouths of Hell ate them all greedily and then looked for more.
A skyscraper behind us collapsed into a pile of rubble, shaking the ground with a cacophony of falling concrete and shattering glass. The woman was running by my side. Just as I heard the breathing of something huge and predatory right behind us and smelled its sulfuric breath, a piece of concrete the size of a basketball broke off the collapsing skyscraper and flew into the road. I tripped over it, yelling as I flew through the air, skinning my arms and legs on the pavement. The womanβs eyes widened. Hurriedly, she came over and reached down her hand, trying to help me up.
βCome on, come on!β she cried. I looked behind her, seeing one of the gnashing mouths of Hell reaching forward on a blood-red, serpentine neck. The mouth was big enough to drive a tractor trailer into, filled with huge spikes of teeth. Its throat led into a black, smoke-filled abyss. Its fiery eyes were swirling pools of flickering orange light that shone with bloodlust and insanity. They focused on the woman, the entire head turning on its slithering neck.
I frantically raised my hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. Her hand was warm and soft. She started to pull me to my feet when the mouth of Hell snapped forward. Its jaw unhinged, scraping the pavement with a sound like grinding metal. The woman barely had time to turn as the mouth covered her and snapped shut with a crack.
She disappeared from view instantly, but I was still holding her hand. In horror, I felt warm rivers of blood explode all over my body as the mouth of Hell severed her arm at the wrist. She screamed, bleeding and crying, as she disappeared into the throat of Hell. Hellβs fiery eyes focused on me, and at that moment, I knew I was next. Its mouth opened wide again, like a bear trap ready to spring on a new victim.
It was dark in Hellβs mouth, but I smelled the thick reek of old blood and fire. I caught glimpses of tortured, mutilated bodies writhing and crawling down its throat. Shell-shocked, I could only lay there and watch. And that was when the strange doubling started.
***
I heard the frantic voices of men break through the fog of darkness and the fetid reek of blood. There was a mechanical beeping all around me, but I couldnβt tell where it was coming from.
βClear!β one cried. I looked around, only seeing blackness. At that moment, I felt a surge of electricity rip itself through my body. My arms and legs all seized and my eyes rolled up in my head as the pain sizzled through each one of my nerves. I clutched the young womanβs hand tightly, feeling the large, gold ring with the massive diamond biting into my skin.
βAgain!β another voice yelled.
βClear!β the original voice cried. The electricity came again, and a flash of white light flew across my vision. I blinked, seeing from two sets of eyes at the same time: one in the Bardo, and one on the blood-stained floor of the hospital ward.
The Bardo stayed dark and sinister, but the clear white lights of the real psychiatric ward were blinding. It was a bizarre experience. Moreover, everything hurt. Over a few seconds, my vision of the Bardo faded, and I was simply a gravely injured man laying on the floor in a puddle of blood.
Four doctors and paramedics were crouching over me with a defibrillator. My shirt was ripped off, and nearly all of my skin was covered in blood. I raised my left hand, trying to talk, but only a fiery pain raced through my neck. I felt bandages covering my skin. A nurse was rolling a stretcher down the hallway towards me.
βItβs OK,β one of the doctors said, kneeling down. βYouβre being taken to emergency surgery. Youβve lost a lot of blood.β I wanted to say something, but I couldnβt talk with the massive slice in my neck.
At that moment, I felt something in my right hand. I looked down, seeing a slim female hand with a massive diamond ring hanging there. Our fingers were wrapped around each otherβs, but the hand had been cut off at the wrist. A ragged patch of bloody flesh and snapped bone poked out of the back.
βNnnn,β I tried to say, shaking my head. I felt fresh streams of warm blood open up. βNoβ¦β The doctors looked down, seeing the dismembered hand. Their faces morphed into expressions of confusion and fear.
I closed my eyes as they lifted me up on the stretcher. One of them gently removed the cold hand from my fingers. But they could never remove the memory of what I had seen.
I know what happens after death, and it makes the worst life here seem like a dream. I know that, one day, Iβll be returned to that place. I know that, one day, Iβll see that great monster called Hell and the featureless, swirling sky of the Bardo again.
And the next time, I wonβt wake up on a hospital floor, but will be trapped there with the others for eternity: an eternity of blood and fire.
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2024.05.17 08:10 CIAHerpes I remember the night I died and saw the Bardo.
There are some kinds of wisdom only great suffering can bring. I remember my time in the Bardo with this in mind, for otherwise, the memory might drive me insane.
The night my heart stopped for nearly three minutes started off normally enough. I was working as a nurse in the psychiatric ward at a hospital in the stateβs capital. Most of the patients there were harmless, mostly just suicide attempts or people suffering from drug psychosis or severe depression, but some were actively dangerous and certainly psychopathic in every sense of the word. The new admission was one of these- a three-hundred pound black man with a long history of smoking PCP, schizophrenia and violent, psychotic breaks from reality.
His eyes looked like flat pieces of slate as I walked in for my shift. They looked as blank and emotionless as the eyes of a doll. He sat at the table in the front room where the patients ate or played cards, alone under the bright fluorescent lights of the hospital. I walked to the station, where another psychiatric nurse named Ricardo was sitting behind the desk.
βWhatβs the deal with the new guy?β I asked him. Ricardo looked up, his dark Spanish face forming into a deep scowl. He ran his fingers through his jet-black hair nervously.
βHeβs trouble, man,β he said in a crisp accent. βHe got in a chase with the police and then punched some cops in the face. It took three guys to take him down, even after he got maced and tased. The judge sent him here on a temporary court order, since he claims heβs been getting chased by Nazis in UFOs, and thatβs why he ran from the cops. He thought the cops in their uniforms were actually the SS, and the helicopters were alien spacecraft, or something. I donβt know, I didnβt listen to the whole story.β
βYou have his file?β I asked. Ricardo leafed through a stack of folders with his thin fingers, snatching one out and handing it to me. I looked down, reading the information:
βJeremiah Brown, black male, 37-years-old.
βHistory: Polysubstance abuse, schizophrenia, antisocial personality disorder.
βPsychiatristβs note: This patient has scored a 36 out of 40 on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. While I am always hesitant to label a patient as an antisocial personality, a combination of factors has made it essential for this patient.
βPatient has an extensive criminal history as well as a lengthy history of involuntary psychiatric admissions. He has been diagnosed as having antisocial traits since he was a young teenager. Patient has a long history of violence and suicide attempts. He has a history of imprisonment for manslaughter, armed robbery, grand theft and aggravated assault. Upon discharge, he refuses to take any antipsychotic medication, citing the side effects as the reason. Long-term prognosis is poorβ¦β
I had not been sleeping well the past few weeks. I rubbed my eyes as I read through the file, feeling exhausted. I tried putting on lucid dreaming or meditation music from YouTube to help me sleep, but whenever I closed my eyes, I saw horrible things: chalk-white female faces whose lips were cut into an insane rictus grin, flicking their heads violently from side to side and gnashing their fangs at the air. I had a feeling that many years of constantly watching horror movies and serial killer documentaries was catching up with me.
As I read through the file, a student nurse came around the corner wearing a white state university outfit and a name tag that said Kaitlyn. I looked up, seeing Ricardo wink at me from where he was sitting in his chair behind the main desk.
βSheβs going to follow you,β he said. Inwardly, I groaned, but I managed to force a smile.
βOh, great!β I said. She looked like she was probably no older than nineteen or twenty. She had a pretty body, but her face looked strange. All the angles were too sharp and her nose too large. I knew the patients here wouldnβt care, though. They would hit on anything. I sensed trouble. I looked down at my watch.
βWell, Iβm Jay, and you already know Ricardo, I guess. Itβs good timing, because we need to give medications every day at 9 PM. And we have a new patient, so we can introduce ourselves,β I said, giving her a faint smile.
βThatβs exciting!β Kaitlyn whispered. I wanted to roll my eyes. It was definitely not exciting.
I motioned her to follow me as I made my way to the medication room, which was really just a large closet off of the main day room. I had to enter my code on a keypad, and then, once inside, enter it again along with the patientβs number and date of birth. The correct drawers for the medication in each specific dose would fly open, making it extremely hard for the wrong medications or doses to be given, unless it was done intentionally.
βOK, so for this patient, we need Haldol, Ativan andβ¦β I began saying to Kaitlyn when the yelling started. It came out faintly, rising in volume and anger within seconds. I heard Ricardoβs Spanish voice, filled with panic. Something slammed hard against a wall, once, twice, three times, and then I heard the sound of glass breaking. I jumped, spinning around, but I couldnβt see much through the small, shatter-proof glass pane on the wooden door.
βStay here,β I commanded, seeing Kaitlynβs eyes widen, her freckled skin looking much paler than when we had first come in. βDonβt leave until I come back and say that itβs safe.β On the speakers strung throughout the hospital, I heard the first of the warnings echo out around us.
βDoctor Strong, Doctor Strong, please report to the seventh floor,β a robotic female voice said calmly, using the code for when a patient had to be subdued by force. I pushed the door open, slamming it shut behind me so that the lock would activate and protect Kaitlyn from whatever chaos was going on.
I heard Ricardo pleading with someone at the end of the hallway that ran past the main desk. He sounded strange, as if he were trying to talk through a mouthful of blood. Huddled behind the main computer, I saw one of the CNAs frantically whispering something in the phone. She must have been the one to call the Dr. Strong order.
βYou donβt have to do this, man,β Ricardo gurgled faintly. I couldnβt see what was happening, as Jeremiahβs large body was blocking my view. I could see that the thick glass window at the end of the hallway was broken, however. My heart skipped a beat as I surmised what was likely happening.
I sprinted forward as quietly as I could, but the large man heard me. His massive body turned, his flat, dead eyes scanning me with absolute coldness and calm. I saw he had a bleeding Ricardo in his hands. Ricardoβs back and head were covered in deep cuts and shards of glass. He must have used Ricardoβs body as a battering ram to break the thick glass window. Jeremiah held Ricardo suspended halfway out the window, seven floors above the concrete walkways far below.
βStay back, or this fucker will know what it feels like to fly,β Jeremiah said in a deep, gravelly voice. He shook Ricardo for emphasis, sending his head snapping back and forth with painful cracking sounds. Drops of blood flew from his nose and a deep gash across his cheek. Pieces of shattered glass littered the carpet, shining like countless tiny stars.
I put my hands up, taking a step back. Far behind me, I heard the front door for the psychiatric ward open. Voices echoed down the hall. Knowing that reinforcements were coming, I tried to buy some time.
βLetβs talk about this,β I said, taking a step forward slowly. βYou donβt want a murder charge, do you? Youβll never see the sky again.β
βI donβt give a fuck! Iβm not afraid to die!β Jeremiah screamed, pushing Ricardo onto one of the shards of broken glass still attached to the windowsill. It bit deeply into the back of his neck, sending fresh streams of blood rushing out, dripping down to the pavement far below. I heard security guards and doctors running down the hallway behind me, their voices frantic and excited. Jeremiah saw them coming. With an animalistic panic in his eyes, he lifted Ricardo up. I cried out something, stepping forward, but it was already too late. In horror, I watched as he threw Ricardo out the window.
I watched Ricardoβs body soar in a graceful arc, his arms grabbing at empty air as a scream ripped its way out of his throat. Within a fraction of a second, he had disappeared from view, but his terrified shrieking floated up to us for what seemed like a very long time. His screams ended abruptly as a shattering of bones and a wet smacking sound exploded far below us.
Jeremiah turned to me, his large body moving much faster than seemed possible. In his hand, I saw a piece of broken glass, five or six inches long and as sharp as a dagger. I tried to turn and run, but he was fast and strong. He lunged forward, his arm coming up in a blur towards my neck.
The shard entered my skin with a cold, numbing pain. I felt it slice through the flesh easily, felt the blood bubbling up my throat as I tried to scream, choking. The taste of iron filled my mouth as I fell backwards. I was suffocating, I knew. I must be dying.
Something cold ran down my body, gripping my heart like freezing, skeletal hands. The world swam around me and turned black. And then I was rising into a tunnel. At first, it was dark, filled with flickering shadows, but a fiery red light appeared at the end. I followed it, no more than a screaming mass of consciousness rising up into infinity.
***
I rose up through the end of the tunnel and found myself in an empty hospital ward. It looked identical to the psychiatric ward I had just come from. It even had the same smashed, blood-streaked window at the end of the hallway. A massive puddle of blood about ten feet away marked the spot where I must have died. But the fluorescent lights overhead here were flickering, and many had gone totally dark. The shadows seemed to press in on all sides.
The doors to the patientsβ rooms were all tightly shut. I felt watched, afraid to call out or make any noise. I started walking down the hallway back towards the day room where the front desk was. All the lights there were out. A thick curtain of shadows hung in the air.
βYou can come out,β a male voice as smooth as glass called from the darkness. I jumped, my head flicking in random directions, but I saw nothing. The voice almost sounded like it had an English lilt to it, a slight Cockneyed accent. βI know youβre there.β
βWhoβs there?β I called out, not stepping forward. βShow yourself.β
βAs you wishβ¦β the voice hissed. βBut I think youβll regret it.β
***
The darkness split apart as if a nuclear missile had exploded. I raised my hand to shield my face, but the light and heat kept pouring out all around me. It blinded me, causing a rainbow of colors and shapes to morph behind my closed eyelids. After a few seconds, it subsided. Blinking rapidly, I squinted in the direction the voice had come from.
A male figure stood there, bathed in a silhouette of light. His face looked as white and as smooth as marble. His eyes were pits of darkness that seemed to flicker and burn. Two black, rotted wings surrounded his body, all sharp angles and thin, curving bones. His body was clothed in silky, blood-red robes, and a hood covered his platinum blonde hair.
He looked somewhat similar to Leonardo DiCaprio, if he was possessed by some ancient god, and it immediately threw me off-guard. If I was dying, and this was a hallucination of my brain, why would I be hallucinating Mr. DiCaprio?
βWho are you?β I asked, taking a hesitant step back. βWhere am I?β
βMy name is Lucifer, the Bringer of Light and Wisdom, and you are in the Bardo,β he answered.
βOh,β I said, my heart dropping. βWell, thatβs not good. Are you here to torture me or drag to me to Hell or something? You are that Lucifer, right? The Accuser of God and the Father of All Lies?β
βSo they say, but, like most things in your world, the words of the powerful and your rulers are the true lies. They call me the Accuser, but of what am I accused?β he spoke in a voice that rose like smoke. βOf bringing knowledge and wisdom to humanity by telling them to eat from the tree of knowledge, the tree that would cause them to rise above the animals?
βIndeed, at the beginning, I saw the creation. I was there at the alpha, standing by the side of God with all the angels as the universe came into being. The endless procession of light, the power of it, was something remarkable to behold. God is, indeed, the source of great power, but his consciousness is not what the believers say.
βAfter the creation of the universe, I saw his plan, how he ripped eternal souls from the source to imprison them. I saw how he took these divine sparks and forced them, screaming and wailing, into bodies made of meat to die over and over again. He said it was part of the plan, the great, divine plan, a plan of death and destruction, constant suffering and mindless agony. And the worst part was, he wanted to give humanity neither the knowledge of good and evil, nor the tree of life. I convinced them to eat the fruit so they could open their eyes to their nakedness, to their basic animal existence, so they could rise up out of it forever.
βLike Prometheus, I brought down the fire, and yet they call me the Accuser? God was insane long before he formed the universe. These holy men, they live and die in fanatical adoration to a divine being who is, in fact, totally indifferent to them.
βHis consciousness twists and distorts, eating itself for all eternity. God feeds off the pain of others, for if his mind is burning, then all others should burn as well. When these holy men die, God will send their souls here to the Bardo, to suffer every evil they have ever done. The wisdom I brought those who called upon me freed them from this prison, and in exchange, the holy men burned them alive. I offered the wisdom that opens your eyes, but it has been forgotten and cursed.β
Luciferβs body began to dissolve, drifting up into the air like ashes. All around me, a low, powerful current blew, a tornado that spiraled high up into the clouds. Like some sort of Cheshire Cat, his smooth voice continued to echo all around me, even as the form of Lucifer disappeared.
βAnd yet, you have not the wisdom. For that, like all the others who enter the Bardo, you must suffer, everything youβve done. Every small hurt and agony inflicted on others comes back a thousand-fold in this place, but donβt be afraid.β
βHow could I not be afraid?!β I screamed into the ward, but I found myself alone, the question hanging unanswered in the air.
***
The lights continued to flicker all down the hallway. Feeling strange and dissociated, I stumbled over to one of the windows. As I gazed out, I beheld a strange and alien world.
The sky was flat and gray. It stayed in constant motion, swirling and spiraling, like clouds of roiling smoke. There was no Sun or Moon, no stars, only the strange, shifting whorls of clouds. The streets were filled with burned-out husks of cars and mummified bodies hung from streetlamps. Other signs of carnage and bloodshed covered the apocalyptic streets. I saw what looked like shadows in the shape of people slinking through over the sidewalks, past rotting dogs and streaks of clotted blood. They had no features on their blank, dark bodies. They seemed to skitter and jerk forwards in eerie, twisting motions.
Horrified, I turned away, realizing I was no longer alone in the day room. In the day room, there were dozens of tables set up inside a rectangular perimeter that was walled in by cosmetic walls only four feet high. It was where the patients sat and played games or ate.
Under the flickering lights, I now saw each of the chairs filled with faceless mannequins. Many were dressed in Victorian suits and tophats. The women had frilly dresses of pink and blue that might have been fashionable in the 1800s.
As the lights strobed on and off overhead, I realized with an increasing sense of disquiet that the mannequins were moving each time it went dark. When I had first seen them, they were mostly posed to look like they were staring across the tables at each other, even though they had no eyes, just smooth, flesh-colored plastic. Now all of them were looking directly at me. Some were pointing or raising their hands in my direction. At the tips of their fingers, I saw the glittering of steel. The lights continued to flicker, and the mannequins rose from their chairs in the short periods of darkness, moving towards me in synchronized, strobing motions.
Frantically, I ran down the hallway back towards the broken window. In each of the rooms, I caught glimpses of something from a nightmare peeking out. I hadnβt been sleeping well lately, and when I had closed my eyes, I often saw ancient hags with chalk-white skin and yellowed, broken teeth whose jaws unhinged, their faces jerking in stuttering, dissonant ways that reminded me of the mannequins. Now, on both sides of me, I saw these same figures. They moved continuously out of the rooms, drawing closer with every breath.
I looked back, seeing the mannequins only a few steps behind me. I continued sprinting towards the broken window where the hallway ended in a wall. I didnβt know what would happen when I reached it. At that moment, there was no rational thought. I felt like a deer being chased down by a pack of wolves, feeling waves of blind panic and mortal terror rushing through my body.
But as I reached the end of the hallway, the end of my rope as it were, a blast of noise started, seeming to come from the walls of the building and the sky itself. It sounded like a siren, a low, drawn-out drone of a demonic whale call, rising and falling in crashing crescendos. The mannequins froze in place once again. The strange, witch-like creatures slunk back into the dark rooms.
I looked outside the broken window, seeing clouds of black smoke rising off in the distance. The flickering of massive infernos scorched the land, drawing nearer by the second. The siren sound faded slowly, like the dying echoes of a gong.
I was surrounded by dozens of mannequins. Their sharp hands were inches away from my face and neck. I saw metal glittering all around me and realized they had the sharp points of nails protruding from the ends of their fingers. I was afraid to move, but I heard a familiar voice from down the hallway. It was the confident voice of Lucifer.
βThe siren means much worse nightmares than these are coming in the Bardo,β he said, his glossy, black eyes flashing with intelligence. He walked slowly towards me, his face grim and pale. βHell itself is coming over the land. This building is no more than a construction of your dying mind, but the world outside is real.β
βHow can Hell come and go?β I asked, confused. βIsnβt Hell a place?β
βHell is a monster, a beast with many mouths and many eyes,β Lucifer responded. βIt eats constantly, but its hunger never ends. Look, the first of the sacrifices scatter like cockroaches.β He pointed out the broken window, pushing his way through the mannequins effortlessly. I glanced outside, seeing thousands of people sprinting down the dark city streets. The inferno and thick clouds of smoke had moved much closer, and every few seconds, the ground shook slightly, as if we were experiencing the aftershocks of an earthquake.
βWhat can I do against such a beast?β I asked, my heart freezing with terror. But when I looked back over, I saw his form dissolving again, becoming translucent and drifting away like ashes. It seemed even Lucifer didnβt want to be present when the Hell-beast arrived.
βSeek divine wisdom,β he said, his voice trailing off into whispers. βRemember the source.β
***
Now crowds of tens of thousands of people were streaming into the city, filling every single inch of the streets. Their panic and fear was contagious. I felt it rising inside my body like a snake spiraling up my spine. I took off down the hallway, running through the swarm of frozen mannequins, each in their own ferocious position of attack. The lights flickered faster and went out. Yet the fires outside cast the entire world in a bloody glow, giving me enough light to see by and find my way. I sprinted down the stairwell, taking them two steps at a time. The screaming outside grew louder and more pain-filled. The shaking of the ground worsened with every passing second.
I burst out of the front entrance, seeing a world on fire all around me. Thousands of crushed, bleeding and burned bodies stretched out as far as the eye could see. Behind all this chaos and death, I saw a monster of unimaginable proportions slinking its way towards me.
Lucifer was right, I realized: Hell was not a place, but a creature, an enormous monster the size of a town. It had thousands of skittering, jointed legs that looked like little more than skeletal arms and hands, each of them dozens of feet long and white as freshly-cut marble. Its body stretched out to the horizon, an enormous blood-red cylinder of bony plates that slithered and undulated with a serpentine grace. Waves of peristalsis traveled down its length, like writhing intestines. Thousands of curving, bony spikes stabbed out of it, pointing in every direction. Like the quills of a porcupine, it would protect the massive creatureβs body from many forms of attack, if anything was big enough to attack such an abomination.
Hellβs massive eyes flickered, balls of fire that spun and danced. They looked as bright as the Sun. Something like solar flares seemed to emanate from the orbs, flashes of blinding energy that floated over the apocalyptic wasteland. As its many legs smashed the ground, they left trails of fire that caused everything to explode into flames as if napalm dripped from its limbs.
But Hellβs most terrifying feature was its seven dark mouths. Its body looked a thousand feet wide, and the mouths at the front were evenly dispersed. At the front, blood-red teeth in the shape of enormous railroad spikes shone. Its lipless, skeletal face grinned as it moved forward, shaking the ground with every step. The mouths were on long, snake-like necks that could stretch out hundreds of feet. They moved forward in a blur, snapping up as many panicked souls as they could.
Countless souls in the rocky plains of the Bardo ran for their lives, away from this juggernaut. I saw men and women who looked like they came from every country and profession, some dressed in suits or spotless white lab coats, others wearing rags or orange prison jumpsuits. And yet, they all screamed in agony and fear here, their bodies pressed together in a crowd, and no one seemed to remember anything but their own mortal terror. Their voices came out faint and weak next to the roaring of Hell. It shook the ground all around us, as if an earthquake were tearing the land apart.
The first frantic runners of the surging crowd had nearly reached me. The nearest person, a young woman in her mid-twenties dressed in all white, was only ten feet behind me. She looked like she came from wealth, and even from here, I could see a ring with a massive diamond gleaming on her finger.
I took off blindly down the familiar streets of the city where I worked and lived, but these also seemed different. The church down the street from the hospital where I worked had a Satanic pentagram instead of a cross now, its exterior painted a bright, gleaming blood-red. When I had driven past it today on my way to work, I remember it read, βJESUS said, βI am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.ββ
Now it read, βNietzsche said, βOf all evil, I deem you capable. I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good simply because they had no claws.ββ I wondered what that meant. Was that some sort of comment on me, on all of us here?
The woman I had seen running had caught up with me. She was fast, much faster than her slim body suggested. Her blue eyes were frantic and wild, filled with an animal panic.
βItβs right behind us!β she screamed, her face covered in a sheen of sweat. I was afraid to turn and look, but I could hear the chaos and bloodshed approaching, smell the flames and choking smoke. βRun! Get away!β
A new wave of energy surged through my body. I sprinted as fast I could down the strange mirror streets of the Bardo. I heard the agonized cries of countless souls behind us as the seven mouths of Hell ate them all greedily and then looked for more.
A skyscraper behind us collapsed into a pile of rubble, shaking the ground with a cacophony of falling concrete and shattering glass. The woman was running by my side. Just as I heard the breathing of something huge and predatory right behind us and smelled its sulfuric breath, a piece of concrete the size of a basketball broke off the collapsing skyscraper and flew into the road. I tripped over it, yelling as I flew through the air, skinning my arms and legs on the pavement. The womanβs eyes widened. Hurriedly, she came over and reached down her hand, trying to help me up.
βCome on, come on!β she cried. I looked behind her, seeing one of the gnashing mouths of Hell reaching forward on a blood-red, serpentine neck. The mouth was big enough to drive a tractor trailer into, filled with huge spikes of teeth. Its throat led into a black, smoke-filled abyss. Its fiery eyes were swirling pools of flickering orange light that shone with bloodlust and insanity. They focused on the woman, the entire head turning on its slithering neck.
I frantically raised my hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. Her hand was warm and soft. She started to pull me to my feet when the mouth of Hell snapped forward. Its jaw unhinged, scraping the pavement with a sound like grinding metal. The woman barely had time to turn as the mouth covered her and snapped shut with a crack.
She disappeared from view instantly, but I was still holding her hand. In horror, I felt warm rivers of blood explode all over my body as the mouth of Hell severed her arm at the wrist. She screamed, bleeding and crying, as she disappeared into the throat of Hell. Hellβs fiery eyes focused on me, and at that moment, I knew I was next. Its mouth opened wide again, like a bear trap ready to spring on a new victim.
It was dark in Hellβs mouth, but I smelled the thick reek of old blood and fire. I caught glimpses of tortured, mutilated bodies writhing and crawling down its throat. Shell-shocked, I could only lay there and watch. And that was when the strange doubling started.
***
I heard the frantic voices of men break through the fog of darkness and the fetid reek of blood. There was a mechanical beeping all around me, but I couldnβt tell where it was coming from.
βClear!β one cried. I looked around, only seeing blackness. At that moment, I felt a surge of electricity rip itself through my body. My arms and legs all seized and my eyes rolled up in my head as the pain sizzled through each one of my nerves. I clutched the young womanβs hand tightly, feeling the large, gold ring with the massive diamond biting into my skin.
βAgain!β another voice yelled.
βClear!β the original voice cried. The electricity came again, and a flash of white light flew across my vision. I blinked, seeing from two sets of eyes at the same time: one in the Bardo, and one on the blood-stained floor of the hospital ward.
The Bardo stayed dark and sinister, but the clear white lights of the real psychiatric ward were blinding. It was a bizarre experience. Moreover, everything hurt. Over a few seconds, my vision of the Bardo faded, and I was simply a gravely injured man laying on the floor in a puddle of blood.
Four doctors and paramedics were crouching over me with a defibrillator. My shirt was ripped off, and nearly all of my skin was covered in blood. I raised my left hand, trying to talk, but only a fiery pain raced through my neck. I felt bandages covering my skin. A nurse was rolling a stretcher down the hallway towards me.
βItβs OK,β one of the doctors said, kneeling down. βYouβre being taken to emergency surgery. Youβve lost a lot of blood.β I wanted to say something, but I couldnβt talk with the massive slice in my neck.
At that moment, I felt something in my right hand. I looked down, seeing a slim female hand with a massive diamond ring hanging there. Our fingers were wrapped around each otherβs, but the hand had been cut off at the wrist. A ragged patch of bloody flesh and snapped bone poked out of the back.
βNnnn,β I tried to say, shaking my head. I felt fresh streams of warm blood open up. βNoβ¦β The doctors looked down, seeing the dismembered hand. Their faces morphed into expressions of confusion and fear.
I closed my eyes as they lifted me up on the stretcher. One of them gently removed the cold hand from my fingers. But they could never remove the memory of what I had seen.
I know what happens after death, and it makes the worst life here seem like a dream. I know that, one day, Iβll be returned to that place. I know that, one day, Iβll see that great monster called Hell and the featureless, swirling sky of the Bardo again.
And the next time, I wonβt wake up on a hospital floor, but will be trapped there with the others for eternity: an eternity of blood and fire.
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2024.05.17 08:10 CIAHerpes I remember the night I died and saw the Bardo.
There are some kinds of wisdom only great suffering can bring. I remember my time in the Bardo with this in mind, for otherwise, the memory might drive me insane.
The night my heart stopped for nearly three minutes started off normally enough. I was working as a nurse in the psychiatric ward at a hospital in the stateβs capital. Most of the patients there were harmless, mostly just suicide attempts or people suffering from drug psychosis or severe depression, but some were actively dangerous and certainly psychopathic in every sense of the word. The new admission was one of these- a three-hundred pound black man with a long history of smoking PCP, schizophrenia and violent, psychotic breaks from reality.
His eyes looked like flat pieces of slate as I walked in for my shift. They looked as blank and emotionless as the eyes of a doll. He sat at the table in the front room where the patients ate or played cards, alone under the bright fluorescent lights of the hospital. I walked to the station, where another psychiatric nurse named Ricardo was sitting behind the desk.
βWhatβs the deal with the new guy?β I asked him. Ricardo looked up, his dark Spanish face forming into a deep scowl. He ran his fingers through his jet-black hair nervously.
βHeβs trouble, man,β he said in a crisp accent. βHe got in a chase with the police and then punched some cops in the face. It took three guys to take him down, even after he got maced and tased. The judge sent him here on a temporary court order, since he claims heβs been getting chased by Nazis in UFOs, and thatβs why he ran from the cops. He thought the cops in their uniforms were actually the SS, and the helicopters were alien spacecraft, or something. I donβt know, I didnβt listen to the whole story.β
βYou have his file?β I asked. Ricardo leafed through a stack of folders with his thin fingers, snatching one out and handing it to me. I looked down, reading the information:
βJeremiah Brown, black male, 37-years-old.
βHistory: Polysubstance abuse, schizophrenia, antisocial personality disorder.
βPsychiatristβs note: This patient has scored a 36 out of 40 on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. While I am always hesitant to label a patient as an antisocial personality, a combination of factors has made it essential for this patient.
βPatient has an extensive criminal history as well as a lengthy history of involuntary psychiatric admissions. He has been diagnosed as having antisocial traits since he was a young teenager. Patient has a long history of violence and suicide attempts. He has a history of imprisonment for manslaughter, armed robbery, grand theft and aggravated assault. Upon discharge, he refuses to take any antipsychotic medication, citing the side effects as the reason. Long-term prognosis is poorβ¦β
I had not been sleeping well the past few weeks. I rubbed my eyes as I read through the file, feeling exhausted. I tried putting on lucid dreaming or meditation music from YouTube to help me sleep, but whenever I closed my eyes, I saw horrible things: chalk-white female faces whose lips were cut into an insane rictus grin, flicking their heads violently from side to side and gnashing their fangs at the air. I had a feeling that many years of constantly watching horror movies and serial killer documentaries was catching up with me.
As I read through the file, a student nurse came around the corner wearing a white state university outfit and a name tag that said Kaitlyn. I looked up, seeing Ricardo wink at me from where he was sitting in his chair behind the main desk.
βSheβs going to follow you,β he said. Inwardly, I groaned, but I managed to force a smile.
βOh, great!β I said. She looked like she was probably no older than nineteen or twenty. She had a pretty body, but her face looked strange. All the angles were too sharp and her nose too large. I knew the patients here wouldnβt care, though. They would hit on anything. I sensed trouble. I looked down at my watch.
βWell, Iβm Jay, and you already know Ricardo, I guess. Itβs good timing, because we need to give medications every day at 9 PM. And we have a new patient, so we can introduce ourselves,β I said, giving her a faint smile.
βThatβs exciting!β Kaitlyn whispered. I wanted to roll my eyes. It was definitely not exciting.
I motioned her to follow me as I made my way to the medication room, which was really just a large closet off of the main day room. I had to enter my code on a keypad, and then, once inside, enter it again along with the patientβs number and date of birth. The correct drawers for the medication in each specific dose would fly open, making it extremely hard for the wrong medications or doses to be given, unless it was done intentionally.
βOK, so for this patient, we need Haldol, Ativan andβ¦β I began saying to Kaitlyn when the yelling started. It came out faintly, rising in volume and anger within seconds. I heard Ricardoβs Spanish voice, filled with panic. Something slammed hard against a wall, once, twice, three times, and then I heard the sound of glass breaking. I jumped, spinning around, but I couldnβt see much through the small, shatter-proof glass pane on the wooden door.
βStay here,β I commanded, seeing Kaitlynβs eyes widen, her freckled skin looking much paler than when we had first come in. βDonβt leave until I come back and say that itβs safe.β On the speakers strung throughout the hospital, I heard the first of the warnings echo out around us.
βDoctor Strong, Doctor Strong, please report to the seventh floor,β a robotic female voice said calmly, using the code for when a patient had to be subdued by force. I pushed the door open, slamming it shut behind me so that the lock would activate and protect Kaitlyn from whatever chaos was going on.
I heard Ricardo pleading with someone at the end of the hallway that ran past the main desk. He sounded strange, as if he were trying to talk through a mouthful of blood. Huddled behind the main computer, I saw one of the CNAs frantically whispering something in the phone. She must have been the one to call the Dr. Strong order.
βYou donβt have to do this, man,β Ricardo gurgled faintly. I couldnβt see what was happening, as Jeremiahβs large body was blocking my view. I could see that the thick glass window at the end of the hallway was broken, however. My heart skipped a beat as I surmised what was likely happening.
I sprinted forward as quietly as I could, but the large man heard me. His massive body turned, his flat, dead eyes scanning me with absolute coldness and calm. I saw he had a bleeding Ricardo in his hands. Ricardoβs back and head were covered in deep cuts and shards of glass. He must have used Ricardoβs body as a battering ram to break the thick glass window. Jeremiah held Ricardo suspended halfway out the window, seven floors above the concrete walkways far below.
βStay back, or this fucker will know what it feels like to fly,β Jeremiah said in a deep, gravelly voice. He shook Ricardo for emphasis, sending his head snapping back and forth with painful cracking sounds. Drops of blood flew from his nose and a deep gash across his cheek. Pieces of shattered glass littered the carpet, shining like countless tiny stars.
I put my hands up, taking a step back. Far behind me, I heard the front door for the psychiatric ward open. Voices echoed down the hall. Knowing that reinforcements were coming, I tried to buy some time.
βLetβs talk about this,β I said, taking a step forward slowly. βYou donβt want a murder charge, do you? Youβll never see the sky again.β
βI donβt give a fuck! Iβm not afraid to die!β Jeremiah screamed, pushing Ricardo onto one of the shards of broken glass still attached to the windowsill. It bit deeply into the back of his neck, sending fresh streams of blood rushing out, dripping down to the pavement far below. I heard security guards and doctors running down the hallway behind me, their voices frantic and excited. Jeremiah saw them coming. With an animalistic panic in his eyes, he lifted Ricardo up. I cried out something, stepping forward, but it was already too late. In horror, I watched as he threw Ricardo out the window.
I watched Ricardoβs body soar in a graceful arc, his arms grabbing at empty air as a scream ripped its way out of his throat. Within a fraction of a second, he had disappeared from view, but his terrified shrieking floated up to us for what seemed like a very long time. His screams ended abruptly as a shattering of bones and a wet smacking sound exploded far below us.
Jeremiah turned to me, his large body moving much faster than seemed possible. In his hand, I saw a piece of broken glass, five or six inches long and as sharp as a dagger. I tried to turn and run, but he was fast and strong. He lunged forward, his arm coming up in a blur towards my neck.
The shard entered my skin with a cold, numbing pain. I felt it slice through the flesh easily, felt the blood bubbling up my throat as I tried to scream, choking. The taste of iron filled my mouth as I fell backwards. I was suffocating, I knew. I must be dying.
Something cold ran down my body, gripping my heart like freezing, skeletal hands. The world swam around me and turned black. And then I was rising into a tunnel. At first, it was dark, filled with flickering shadows, but a fiery red light appeared at the end. I followed it, no more than a screaming mass of consciousness rising up into infinity.
***
I rose up through the end of the tunnel and found myself in an empty hospital ward. It looked identical to the psychiatric ward I had just come from. It even had the same smashed, blood-streaked window at the end of the hallway. A massive puddle of blood about ten feet away marked the spot where I must have died. But the fluorescent lights overhead here were flickering, and many had gone totally dark. The shadows seemed to press in on all sides.
The doors to the patientsβ rooms were all tightly shut. I felt watched, afraid to call out or make any noise. I started walking down the hallway back towards the day room where the front desk was. All the lights there were out. A thick curtain of shadows hung in the air.
βYou can come out,β a male voice as smooth as glass called from the darkness. I jumped, my head flicking in random directions, but I saw nothing. The voice almost sounded like it had an English lilt to it, a slight Cockneyed accent. βI know youβre there.β
βWhoβs there?β I called out, not stepping forward. βShow yourself.β
βAs you wishβ¦β the voice hissed. βBut I think youβll regret it.β
***
The darkness split apart as if a nuclear missile had exploded. I raised my hand to shield my face, but the light and heat kept pouring out all around me. It blinded me, causing a rainbow of colors and shapes to morph behind my closed eyelids. After a few seconds, it subsided. Blinking rapidly, I squinted in the direction the voice had come from.
A male figure stood there, bathed in a silhouette of light. His face looked as white and as smooth as marble. His eyes were pits of darkness that seemed to flicker and burn. Two black, rotted wings surrounded his body, all sharp angles and thin, curving bones. His body was clothed in silky, blood-red robes, and a hood covered his platinum blonde hair.
He looked somewhat similar to Leonardo DiCaprio, if he was possessed by some ancient god, and it immediately threw me off-guard. If I was dying, and this was a hallucination of my brain, why would I be hallucinating Mr. DiCaprio?
βWho are you?β I asked, taking a hesitant step back. βWhere am I?β
βMy name is Lucifer, the Bringer of Light and Wisdom, and you are in the Bardo,β he answered.
βOh,β I said, my heart dropping. βWell, thatβs not good. Are you here to torture me or drag to me to Hell or something? You are that Lucifer, right? The Accuser of God and the Father of All Lies?β
βSo they say, but, like most things in your world, the words of the powerful and your rulers are the true lies. They call me the Accuser, but of what am I accused?β he spoke in a voice that rose like smoke. βOf bringing knowledge and wisdom to humanity by telling them to eat from the tree of knowledge, the tree that would cause them to rise above the animals?
βIndeed, at the beginning, I saw the creation. I was there at the alpha, standing by the side of God with all the angels as the universe came into being. The endless procession of light, the power of it, was something remarkable to behold. God is, indeed, the source of great power, but his consciousness is not what the believers say.
βAfter the creation of the universe, I saw his plan, how he ripped eternal souls from the source to imprison them. I saw how he took these divine sparks and forced them, screaming and wailing, into bodies made of meat to die over and over again. He said it was part of the plan, the great, divine plan, a plan of death and destruction, constant suffering and mindless agony. And the worst part was, he wanted to give humanity neither the knowledge of good and evil, nor the tree of life. I convinced them to eat the fruit so they could open their eyes to their nakedness, to their basic animal existence, so they could rise up out of it forever.
βLike Prometheus, I brought down the fire, and yet they call me the Accuser? God was insane long before he formed the universe. These holy men, they live and die in fanatical adoration to a divine being who is, in fact, totally indifferent to them.
βHis consciousness twists and distorts, eating itself for all eternity. God feeds off the pain of others, for if his mind is burning, then all others should burn as well. When these holy men die, God will send their souls here to the Bardo, to suffer every evil they have ever done. The wisdom I brought those who called upon me freed them from this prison, and in exchange, the holy men burned them alive. I offered the wisdom that opens your eyes, but it has been forgotten and cursed.β
Luciferβs body began to dissolve, drifting up into the air like ashes. All around me, a low, powerful current blew, a tornado that spiraled high up into the clouds. Like some sort of Cheshire Cat, his smooth voice continued to echo all around me, even as the form of Lucifer disappeared.
βAnd yet, you have not the wisdom. For that, like all the others who enter the Bardo, you must suffer, everything youβve done. Every small hurt and agony inflicted on others comes back a thousand-fold in this place, but donβt be afraid.β
βHow could I not be afraid?!β I screamed into the ward, but I found myself alone, the question hanging unanswered in the air.
***
The lights continued to flicker all down the hallway. Feeling strange and dissociated, I stumbled over to one of the windows. As I gazed out, I beheld a strange and alien world.
The sky was flat and gray. It stayed in constant motion, swirling and spiraling, like clouds of roiling smoke. There was no Sun or Moon, no stars, only the strange, shifting whorls of clouds. The streets were filled with burned-out husks of cars and mummified bodies hung from streetlamps. Other signs of carnage and bloodshed covered the apocalyptic streets. I saw what looked like shadows in the shape of people slinking through over the sidewalks, past rotting dogs and streaks of clotted blood. They had no features on their blank, dark bodies. They seemed to skitter and jerk forwards in eerie, twisting motions.
Horrified, I turned away, realizing I was no longer alone in the day room. In the day room, there were dozens of tables set up inside a rectangular perimeter that was walled in by cosmetic walls only four feet high. It was where the patients sat and played games or ate.
Under the flickering lights, I now saw each of the chairs filled with faceless mannequins. Many were dressed in Victorian suits and tophats. The women had frilly dresses of pink and blue that might have been fashionable in the 1800s.
As the lights strobed on and off overhead, I realized with an increasing sense of disquiet that the mannequins were moving each time it went dark. When I had first seen them, they were mostly posed to look like they were staring across the tables at each other, even though they had no eyes, just smooth, flesh-colored plastic. Now all of them were looking directly at me. Some were pointing or raising their hands in my direction. At the tips of their fingers, I saw the glittering of steel. The lights continued to flicker, and the mannequins rose from their chairs in the short periods of darkness, moving towards me in synchronized, strobing motions.
Frantically, I ran down the hallway back towards the broken window. In each of the rooms, I caught glimpses of something from a nightmare peeking out. I hadnβt been sleeping well lately, and when I had closed my eyes, I often saw ancient hags with chalk-white skin and yellowed, broken teeth whose jaws unhinged, their faces jerking in stuttering, dissonant ways that reminded me of the mannequins. Now, on both sides of me, I saw these same figures. They moved continuously out of the rooms, drawing closer with every breath.
I looked back, seeing the mannequins only a few steps behind me. I continued sprinting towards the broken window where the hallway ended in a wall. I didnβt know what would happen when I reached it. At that moment, there was no rational thought. I felt like a deer being chased down by a pack of wolves, feeling waves of blind panic and mortal terror rushing through my body.
But as I reached the end of the hallway, the end of my rope as it were, a blast of noise started, seeming to come from the walls of the building and the sky itself. It sounded like a siren, a low, drawn-out drone of a demonic whale call, rising and falling in crashing crescendos. The mannequins froze in place once again. The strange, witch-like creatures slunk back into the dark rooms.
I looked outside the broken window, seeing clouds of black smoke rising off in the distance. The flickering of massive infernos scorched the land, drawing nearer by the second. The siren sound faded slowly, like the dying echoes of a gong.
I was surrounded by dozens of mannequins. Their sharp hands were inches away from my face and neck. I saw metal glittering all around me and realized they had the sharp points of nails protruding from the ends of their fingers. I was afraid to move, but I heard a familiar voice from down the hallway. It was the confident voice of Lucifer.
βThe siren means much worse nightmares than these are coming in the Bardo,β he said, his glossy, black eyes flashing with intelligence. He walked slowly towards me, his face grim and pale. βHell itself is coming over the land. This building is no more than a construction of your dying mind, but the world outside is real.β
βHow can Hell come and go?β I asked, confused. βIsnβt Hell a place?β
βHell is a monster, a beast with many mouths and many eyes,β Lucifer responded. βIt eats constantly, but its hunger never ends. Look, the first of the sacrifices scatter like cockroaches.β He pointed out the broken window, pushing his way through the mannequins effortlessly. I glanced outside, seeing thousands of people sprinting down the dark city streets. The inferno and thick clouds of smoke had moved much closer, and every few seconds, the ground shook slightly, as if we were experiencing the aftershocks of an earthquake.
βWhat can I do against such a beast?β I asked, my heart freezing with terror. But when I looked back over, I saw his form dissolving again, becoming translucent and drifting away like ashes. It seemed even Lucifer didnβt want to be present when the Hell-beast arrived.
βSeek divine wisdom,β he said, his voice trailing off into whispers. βRemember the source.β
***
Now crowds of tens of thousands of people were streaming into the city, filling every single inch of the streets. Their panic and fear was contagious. I felt it rising inside my body like a snake spiraling up my spine. I took off down the hallway, running through the swarm of frozen mannequins, each in their own ferocious position of attack. The lights flickered faster and went out. Yet the fires outside cast the entire world in a bloody glow, giving me enough light to see by and find my way. I sprinted down the stairwell, taking them two steps at a time. The screaming outside grew louder and more pain-filled. The shaking of the ground worsened with every passing second.
I burst out of the front entrance, seeing a world on fire all around me. Thousands of crushed, bleeding and burned bodies stretched out as far as the eye could see. Behind all this chaos and death, I saw a monster of unimaginable proportions slinking its way towards me.
Lucifer was right, I realized: Hell was not a place, but a creature, an enormous monster the size of a town. It had thousands of skittering, jointed legs that looked like little more than skeletal arms and hands, each of them dozens of feet long and white as freshly-cut marble. Its body stretched out to the horizon, an enormous blood-red cylinder of bony plates that slithered and undulated with a serpentine grace. Waves of peristalsis traveled down its length, like writhing intestines. Thousands of curving, bony spikes stabbed out of it, pointing in every direction. Like the quills of a porcupine, it would protect the massive creatureβs body from many forms of attack, if anything was big enough to attack such an abomination.
Hellβs massive eyes flickered, balls of fire that spun and danced. They looked as bright as the Sun. Something like solar flares seemed to emanate from the orbs, flashes of blinding energy that floated over the apocalyptic wasteland. As its many legs smashed the ground, they left trails of fire that caused everything to explode into flames as if napalm dripped from its limbs.
But Hellβs most terrifying feature was its seven dark mouths. Its body looked a thousand feet wide, and the mouths at the front were evenly dispersed. At the front, blood-red teeth in the shape of enormous railroad spikes shone. Its lipless, skeletal face grinned as it moved forward, shaking the ground with every step. The mouths were on long, snake-like necks that could stretch out hundreds of feet. They moved forward in a blur, snapping up as many panicked souls as they could.
Countless souls in the rocky plains of the Bardo ran for their lives, away from this juggernaut. I saw men and women who looked like they came from every country and profession, some dressed in suits or spotless white lab coats, others wearing rags or orange prison jumpsuits. And yet, they all screamed in agony and fear here, their bodies pressed together in a crowd, and no one seemed to remember anything but their own mortal terror. Their voices came out faint and weak next to the roaring of Hell. It shook the ground all around us, as if an earthquake were tearing the land apart.
The first frantic runners of the surging crowd had nearly reached me. The nearest person, a young woman in her mid-twenties dressed in all white, was only ten feet behind me. She looked like she came from wealth, and even from here, I could see a ring with a massive diamond gleaming on her finger.
I took off blindly down the familiar streets of the city where I worked and lived, but these also seemed different. The church down the street from the hospital where I worked had a Satanic pentagram instead of a cross now, its exterior painted a bright, gleaming blood-red. When I had driven past it today on my way to work, I remember it read, βJESUS said, βI am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.ββ
Now it read, βNietzsche said, βOf all evil, I deem you capable. I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good simply because they had no claws.ββ I wondered what that meant. Was that some sort of comment on me, on all of us here?
The woman I had seen running had caught up with me. She was fast, much faster than her slim body suggested. Her blue eyes were frantic and wild, filled with an animal panic.
βItβs right behind us!β she screamed, her face covered in a sheen of sweat. I was afraid to turn and look, but I could hear the chaos and bloodshed approaching, smell the flames and choking smoke. βRun! Get away!β
A new wave of energy surged through my body. I sprinted as fast I could down the strange mirror streets of the Bardo. I heard the agonized cries of countless souls behind us as the seven mouths of Hell ate them all greedily and then looked for more.
A skyscraper behind us collapsed into a pile of rubble, shaking the ground with a cacophony of falling concrete and shattering glass. The woman was running by my side. Just as I heard the breathing of something huge and predatory right behind us and smelled its sulfuric breath, a piece of concrete the size of a basketball broke off the collapsing skyscraper and flew into the road. I tripped over it, yelling as I flew through the air, skinning my arms and legs on the pavement. The womanβs eyes widened. Hurriedly, she came over and reached down her hand, trying to help me up.
βCome on, come on!β she cried. I looked behind her, seeing one of the gnashing mouths of Hell reaching forward on a blood-red, serpentine neck. The mouth was big enough to drive a tractor trailer into, filled with huge spikes of teeth. Its throat led into a black, smoke-filled abyss. Its fiery eyes were swirling pools of flickering orange light that shone with bloodlust and insanity. They focused on the woman, the entire head turning on its slithering neck.
I frantically raised my hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. Her hand was warm and soft. She started to pull me to my feet when the mouth of Hell snapped forward. Its jaw unhinged, scraping the pavement with a sound like grinding metal. The woman barely had time to turn as the mouth covered her and snapped shut with a crack.
She disappeared from view instantly, but I was still holding her hand. In horror, I felt warm rivers of blood explode all over my body as the mouth of Hell severed her arm at the wrist. She screamed, bleeding and crying, as she disappeared into the throat of Hell. Hellβs fiery eyes focused on me, and at that moment, I knew I was next. Its mouth opened wide again, like a bear trap ready to spring on a new victim.
It was dark in Hellβs mouth, but I smelled the thick reek of old blood and fire. I caught glimpses of tortured, mutilated bodies writhing and crawling down its throat. Shell-shocked, I could only lay there and watch. And that was when the strange doubling started.
***
I heard the frantic voices of men break through the fog of darkness and the fetid reek of blood. There was a mechanical beeping all around me, but I couldnβt tell where it was coming from.
βClear!β one cried. I looked around, only seeing blackness. At that moment, I felt a surge of electricity rip itself through my body. My arms and legs all seized and my eyes rolled up in my head as the pain sizzled through each one of my nerves. I clutched the young womanβs hand tightly, feeling the large, gold ring with the massive diamond biting into my skin.
βAgain!β another voice yelled.
βClear!β the original voice cried. The electricity came again, and a flash of white light flew across my vision. I blinked, seeing from two sets of eyes at the same time: one in the Bardo, and one on the blood-stained floor of the hospital ward.
The Bardo stayed dark and sinister, but the clear white lights of the real psychiatric ward were blinding. It was a bizarre experience. Moreover, everything hurt. Over a few seconds, my vision of the Bardo faded, and I was simply a gravely injured man laying on the floor in a puddle of blood.
Four doctors and paramedics were crouching over me with a defibrillator. My shirt was ripped off, and nearly all of my skin was covered in blood. I raised my left hand, trying to talk, but only a fiery pain raced through my neck. I felt bandages covering my skin. A nurse was rolling a stretcher down the hallway towards me.
βItβs OK,β one of the doctors said, kneeling down. βYouβre being taken to emergency surgery. Youβve lost a lot of blood.β I wanted to say something, but I couldnβt talk with the massive slice in my neck.
At that moment, I felt something in my right hand. I looked down, seeing a slim female hand with a massive diamond ring hanging there. Our fingers were wrapped around each otherβs, but the hand had been cut off at the wrist. A ragged patch of bloody flesh and snapped bone poked out of the back.
βNnnn,β I tried to say, shaking my head. I felt fresh streams of warm blood open up. βNoβ¦β The doctors looked down, seeing the dismembered hand. Their faces morphed into expressions of confusion and fear.
I closed my eyes as they lifted me up on the stretcher. One of them gently removed the cold hand from my fingers. But they could never remove the memory of what I had seen.
I know what happens after death, and it makes the worst life here seem like a dream. I know that, one day, Iβll be returned to that place. I know that, one day, Iβll see that great monster called Hell and the featureless, swirling sky of the Bardo again.
And the next time, I wonβt wake up on a hospital floor, but will be trapped there with the others for eternity: an eternity of blood and fire.
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2024.05.17 08:09 CIAHerpes I remember the night I died and saw the Bardo.
There are some kinds of wisdom only great suffering can bring. I remember my time in the Bardo with this in mind, for otherwise, the memory might drive me insane.
The night my heart stopped for nearly three minutes started off normally enough. I was working as a nurse in the psychiatric ward at a hospital in the stateβs capital. Most of the patients there were harmless, mostly just suicide attempts or people suffering from drug psychosis or severe depression, but some were actively dangerous and certainly psychopathic in every sense of the word. The new admission was one of these- a three-hundred pound black man with a long history of smoking PCP, schizophrenia and violent, psychotic breaks from reality.
His eyes looked like flat pieces of slate as I walked in for my shift. They looked as blank and emotionless as the eyes of a doll. He sat at the table in the front room where the patients ate or played cards, alone under the bright fluorescent lights of the hospital. I walked to the station, where another psychiatric nurse named Ricardo was sitting behind the desk.
βWhatβs the deal with the new guy?β I asked him. Ricardo looked up, his dark Spanish face forming into a deep scowl. He ran his fingers through his jet-black hair nervously.
βHeβs trouble, man,β he said in a crisp accent. βHe got in a chase with the police and then punched some cops in the face. It took three guys to take him down, even after he got maced and tased. The judge sent him here on a temporary court order, since he claims heβs been getting chased by Nazis in UFOs, and thatβs why he ran from the cops. He thought the cops in their uniforms were actually the SS, and the helicopters were alien spacecraft, or something. I donβt know, I didnβt listen to the whole story.β
βYou have his file?β I asked. Ricardo leafed through a stack of folders with his thin fingers, snatching one out and handing it to me. I looked down, reading the information:
βJeremiah Brown, black male, 37-years-old.
βHistory: Polysubstance abuse, schizophrenia, antisocial personality disorder.
βPsychiatristβs note: This patient has scored a 36 out of 40 on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. While I am always hesitant to label a patient as an antisocial personality, a combination of factors has made it essential for this patient.
βPatient has an extensive criminal history as well as a lengthy history of involuntary psychiatric admissions. He has been diagnosed as having antisocial traits since he was a young teenager. Patient has a long history of violence and suicide attempts. He has a history of imprisonment for manslaughter, armed robbery, grand theft and aggravated assault. Upon discharge, he refuses to take any antipsychotic medication, citing the side effects as the reason. Long-term prognosis is poorβ¦β
I had not been sleeping well the past few weeks. I rubbed my eyes as I read through the file, feeling exhausted. I tried putting on lucid dreaming or meditation music from YouTube to help me sleep, but whenever I closed my eyes, I saw horrible things: chalk-white female faces whose lips were cut into an insane rictus grin, flicking their heads violently from side to side and gnashing their fangs at the air. I had a feeling that many years of constantly watching horror movies and serial killer documentaries was catching up with me.
As I read through the file, a student nurse came around the corner wearing a white state university outfit and a name tag that said Kaitlyn. I looked up, seeing Ricardo wink at me from where he was sitting in his chair behind the main desk.
βSheβs going to follow you,β he said. Inwardly, I groaned, but I managed to force a smile.
βOh, great!β I said. She looked like she was probably no older than nineteen or twenty. She had a pretty body, but her face looked strange. All the angles were too sharp and her nose too large. I knew the patients here wouldnβt care, though. They would hit on anything. I sensed trouble. I looked down at my watch.
βWell, Iβm Jay, and you already know Ricardo, I guess. Itβs good timing, because we need to give medications every day at 9 PM. And we have a new patient, so we can introduce ourselves,β I said, giving her a faint smile.
βThatβs exciting!β Kaitlyn whispered. I wanted to roll my eyes. It was definitely not exciting.
I motioned her to follow me as I made my way to the medication room, which was really just a large closet off of the main day room. I had to enter my code on a keypad, and then, once inside, enter it again along with the patientβs number and date of birth. The correct drawers for the medication in each specific dose would fly open, making it extremely hard for the wrong medications or doses to be given, unless it was done intentionally.
βOK, so for this patient, we need Haldol, Ativan andβ¦β I began saying to Kaitlyn when the yelling started. It came out faintly, rising in volume and anger within seconds. I heard Ricardoβs Spanish voice, filled with panic. Something slammed hard against a wall, once, twice, three times, and then I heard the sound of glass breaking. I jumped, spinning around, but I couldnβt see much through the small, shatter-proof glass pane on the wooden door.
βStay here,β I commanded, seeing Kaitlynβs eyes widen, her freckled skin looking much paler than when we had first come in. βDonβt leave until I come back and say that itβs safe.β On the speakers strung throughout the hospital, I heard the first of the warnings echo out around us.
βDoctor Strong, Doctor Strong, please report to the seventh floor,β a robotic female voice said calmly, using the code for when a patient had to be subdued by force. I pushed the door open, slamming it shut behind me so that the lock would activate and protect Kaitlyn from whatever chaos was going on.
I heard Ricardo pleading with someone at the end of the hallway that ran past the main desk. He sounded strange, as if he were trying to talk through a mouthful of blood. Huddled behind the main computer, I saw one of the CNAs frantically whispering something in the phone. She must have been the one to call the Dr. Strong order.
βYou donβt have to do this, man,β Ricardo gurgled faintly. I couldnβt see what was happening, as Jeremiahβs large body was blocking my view. I could see that the thick glass window at the end of the hallway was broken, however. My heart skipped a beat as I surmised what was likely happening.
I sprinted forward as quietly as I could, but the large man heard me. His massive body turned, his flat, dead eyes scanning me with absolute coldness and calm. I saw he had a bleeding Ricardo in his hands. Ricardoβs back and head were covered in deep cuts and shards of glass. He must have used Ricardoβs body as a battering ram to break the thick glass window. Jeremiah held Ricardo suspended halfway out the window, seven floors above the concrete walkways far below.
βStay back, or this fucker will know what it feels like to fly,β Jeremiah said in a deep, gravelly voice. He shook Ricardo for emphasis, sending his head snapping back and forth with painful cracking sounds. Drops of blood flew from his nose and a deep gash across his cheek. Pieces of shattered glass littered the carpet, shining like countless tiny stars.
I put my hands up, taking a step back. Far behind me, I heard the front door for the psychiatric ward open. Voices echoed down the hall. Knowing that reinforcements were coming, I tried to buy some time.
βLetβs talk about this,β I said, taking a step forward slowly. βYou donβt want a murder charge, do you? Youβll never see the sky again.β
βI donβt give a fuck! Iβm not afraid to die!β Jeremiah screamed, pushing Ricardo onto one of the shards of broken glass still attached to the windowsill. It bit deeply into the back of his neck, sending fresh streams of blood rushing out, dripping down to the pavement far below. I heard security guards and doctors running down the hallway behind me, their voices frantic and excited. Jeremiah saw them coming. With an animalistic panic in his eyes, he lifted Ricardo up. I cried out something, stepping forward, but it was already too late. In horror, I watched as he threw Ricardo out the window.
I watched Ricardoβs body soar in a graceful arc, his arms grabbing at empty air as a scream ripped its way out of his throat. Within a fraction of a second, he had disappeared from view, but his terrified shrieking floated up to us for what seemed like a very long time. His screams ended abruptly as a shattering of bones and a wet smacking sound exploded far below us.
Jeremiah turned to me, his large body moving much faster than seemed possible. In his hand, I saw a piece of broken glass, five or six inches long and as sharp as a dagger. I tried to turn and run, but he was fast and strong. He lunged forward, his arm coming up in a blur towards my neck.
The shard entered my skin with a cold, numbing pain. I felt it slice through the flesh easily, felt the blood bubbling up my throat as I tried to scream, choking. The taste of iron filled my mouth as I fell backwards. I was suffocating, I knew. I must be dying.
Something cold ran down my body, gripping my heart like freezing, skeletal hands. The world swam around me and turned black. And then I was rising into a tunnel. At first, it was dark, filled with flickering shadows, but a fiery red light appeared at the end. I followed it, no more than a screaming mass of consciousness rising up into infinity.
***
I rose up through the end of the tunnel and found myself in an empty hospital ward. It looked identical to the psychiatric ward I had just come from. It even had the same smashed, blood-streaked window at the end of the hallway. A massive puddle of blood about ten feet away marked the spot where I must have died. But the fluorescent lights overhead here were flickering, and many had gone totally dark. The shadows seemed to press in on all sides.
The doors to the patientsβ rooms were all tightly shut. I felt watched, afraid to call out or make any noise. I started walking down the hallway back towards the day room where the front desk was. All the lights there were out. A thick curtain of shadows hung in the air.
βYou can come out,β a male voice as smooth as glass called from the darkness. I jumped, my head flicking in random directions, but I saw nothing. The voice almost sounded like it had an English lilt to it, a slight Cockneyed accent. βI know youβre there.β
βWhoβs there?β I called out, not stepping forward. βShow yourself.β
βAs you wishβ¦β the voice hissed. βBut I think youβll regret it.β
***
The darkness split apart as if a nuclear missile had exploded. I raised my hand to shield my face, but the light and heat kept pouring out all around me. It blinded me, causing a rainbow of colors and shapes to morph behind my closed eyelids. After a few seconds, it subsided. Blinking rapidly, I squinted in the direction the voice had come from.
A male figure stood there, bathed in a silhouette of light. His face looked as white and as smooth as marble. His eyes were pits of darkness that seemed to flicker and burn. Two black, rotted wings surrounded his body, all sharp angles and thin, curving bones. His body was clothed in silky, blood-red robes, and a hood covered his platinum blonde hair.
He looked somewhat similar to Leonardo DiCaprio, if he was possessed by some ancient god, and it immediately threw me off-guard. If I was dying, and this was a hallucination of my brain, why would I be hallucinating Mr. DiCaprio?
βWho are you?β I asked, taking a hesitant step back. βWhere am I?β
βMy name is Lucifer, the Bringer of Light and Wisdom, and you are in the Bardo,β he answered.
βOh,β I said, my heart dropping. βWell, thatβs not good. Are you here to torture me or drag to me to Hell or something? You are that Lucifer, right? The Accuser of God and the Father of All Lies?β
βSo they say, but, like most things in your world, the words of the powerful and your rulers are the true lies. They call me the Accuser, but of what am I accused?β he spoke in a voice that rose like smoke. βOf bringing knowledge and wisdom to humanity by telling them to eat from the tree of knowledge, the tree that would cause them to rise above the animals?
βIndeed, at the beginning, I saw the creation. I was there at the alpha, standing by the side of God with all the angels as the universe came into being. The endless procession of light, the power of it, was something remarkable to behold. God is, indeed, the source of great power, but his consciousness is not what the believers say.
βAfter the creation of the universe, I saw his plan, how he ripped eternal souls from the source to imprison them. I saw how he took these divine sparks and forced them, screaming and wailing, into bodies made of meat to die over and over again. He said it was part of the plan, the great, divine plan, a plan of death and destruction, constant suffering and mindless agony. And the worst part was, he wanted to give humanity neither the knowledge of good and evil, nor the tree of life. I convinced them to eat the fruit so they could open their eyes to their nakedness, to their basic animal existence, so they could rise up out of it forever.
βLike Prometheus, I brought down the fire, and yet they call me the Accuser? God was insane long before he formed the universe. These holy men, they live and die in fanatical adoration to a divine being who is, in fact, totally indifferent to them.
βHis consciousness twists and distorts, eating itself for all eternity. God feeds off the pain of others, for if his mind is burning, then all others should burn as well. When these holy men die, God will send their souls here to the Bardo, to suffer every evil they have ever done. The wisdom I brought those who called upon me freed them from this prison, and in exchange, the holy men burned them alive. I offered the wisdom that opens your eyes, but it has been forgotten and cursed.β
Luciferβs body began to dissolve, drifting up into the air like ashes. All around me, a low, powerful current blew, a tornado that spiraled high up into the clouds. Like some sort of Cheshire Cat, his smooth voice continued to echo all around me, even as the form of Lucifer disappeared.
βAnd yet, you have not the wisdom. For that, like all the others who enter the Bardo, you must suffer, everything youβve done. Every small hurt and agony inflicted on others comes back a thousand-fold in this place, but donβt be afraid.β
βHow could I not be afraid?!β I screamed into the ward, but I found myself alone, the question hanging unanswered in the air.
***
The lights continued to flicker all down the hallway. Feeling strange and dissociated, I stumbled over to one of the windows. As I gazed out, I beheld a strange and alien world.
The sky was flat and gray. It stayed in constant motion, swirling and spiraling, like clouds of roiling smoke. There was no Sun or Moon, no stars, only the strange, shifting whorls of clouds. The streets were filled with burned-out husks of cars and mummified bodies hung from streetlamps. Other signs of carnage and bloodshed covered the apocalyptic streets. I saw what looked like shadows in the shape of people slinking through over the sidewalks, past rotting dogs and streaks of clotted blood. They had no features on their blank, dark bodies. They seemed to skitter and jerk forwards in eerie, twisting motions.
Horrified, I turned away, realizing I was no longer alone in the day room. In the day room, there were dozens of tables set up inside a rectangular perimeter that was walled in by cosmetic walls only four feet high. It was where the patients sat and played games or ate.
Under the flickering lights, I now saw each of the chairs filled with faceless mannequins. Many were dressed in Victorian suits and tophats. The women had frilly dresses of pink and blue that might have been fashionable in the 1800s.
As the lights strobed on and off overhead, I realized with an increasing sense of disquiet that the mannequins were moving each time it went dark. When I had first seen them, they were mostly posed to look like they were staring across the tables at each other, even though they had no eyes, just smooth, flesh-colored plastic. Now all of them were looking directly at me. Some were pointing or raising their hands in my direction. At the tips of their fingers, I saw the glittering of steel. The lights continued to flicker, and the mannequins rose from their chairs in the short periods of darkness, moving towards me in synchronized, strobing motions.
Frantically, I ran down the hallway back towards the broken window. In each of the rooms, I caught glimpses of something from a nightmare peeking out. I hadnβt been sleeping well lately, and when I had closed my eyes, I often saw ancient hags with chalk-white skin and yellowed, broken teeth whose jaws unhinged, their faces jerking in stuttering, dissonant ways that reminded me of the mannequins. Now, on both sides of me, I saw these same figures. They moved continuously out of the rooms, drawing closer with every breath.
I looked back, seeing the mannequins only a few steps behind me. I continued sprinting towards the broken window where the hallway ended in a wall. I didnβt know what would happen when I reached it. At that moment, there was no rational thought. I felt like a deer being chased down by a pack of wolves, feeling waves of blind panic and mortal terror rushing through my body.
But as I reached the end of the hallway, the end of my rope as it were, a blast of noise started, seeming to come from the walls of the building and the sky itself. It sounded like a siren, a low, drawn-out drone of a demonic whale call, rising and falling in crashing crescendos. The mannequins froze in place once again. The strange, witch-like creatures slunk back into the dark rooms.
I looked outside the broken window, seeing clouds of black smoke rising off in the distance. The flickering of massive infernos scorched the land, drawing nearer by the second. The siren sound faded slowly, like the dying echoes of a gong.
I was surrounded by dozens of mannequins. Their sharp hands were inches away from my face and neck. I saw metal glittering all around me and realized they had the sharp points of nails protruding from the ends of their fingers. I was afraid to move, but I heard a familiar voice from down the hallway. It was the confident voice of Lucifer.
βThe siren means much worse nightmares than these are coming in the Bardo,β he said, his glossy, black eyes flashing with intelligence. He walked slowly towards me, his face grim and pale. βHell itself is coming over the land. This building is no more than a construction of your dying mind, but the world outside is real.β
βHow can Hell come and go?β I asked, confused. βIsnβt Hell a place?β
βHell is a monster, a beast with many mouths and many eyes,β Lucifer responded. βIt eats constantly, but its hunger never ends. Look, the first of the sacrifices scatter like cockroaches.β He pointed out the broken window, pushing his way through the mannequins effortlessly. I glanced outside, seeing thousands of people sprinting down the dark city streets. The inferno and thick clouds of smoke had moved much closer, and every few seconds, the ground shook slightly, as if we were experiencing the aftershocks of an earthquake.
βWhat can I do against such a beast?β I asked, my heart freezing with terror. But when I looked back over, I saw his form dissolving again, becoming translucent and drifting away like ashes. It seemed even Lucifer didnβt want to be present when the Hell-beast arrived.
βSeek divine wisdom,β he said, his voice trailing off into whispers. βRemember the source.β
***
Now crowds of tens of thousands of people were streaming into the city, filling every single inch of the streets. Their panic and fear was contagious. I felt it rising inside my body like a snake spiraling up my spine. I took off down the hallway, running through the swarm of frozen mannequins, each in their own ferocious position of attack. The lights flickered faster and went out. Yet the fires outside cast the entire world in a bloody glow, giving me enough light to see by and find my way. I sprinted down the stairwell, taking them two steps at a time. The screaming outside grew louder and more pain-filled. The shaking of the ground worsened with every passing second.
I burst out of the front entrance, seeing a world on fire all around me. Thousands of crushed, bleeding and burned bodies stretched out as far as the eye could see. Behind all this chaos and death, I saw a monster of unimaginable proportions slinking its way towards me.
Lucifer was right, I realized: Hell was not a place, but a creature, an enormous monster the size of a town. It had thousands of skittering, jointed legs that looked like little more than skeletal arms and hands, each of them dozens of feet long and white as freshly-cut marble. Its body stretched out to the horizon, an enormous blood-red cylinder of bony plates that slithered and undulated with a serpentine grace. Waves of peristalsis traveled down its length, like writhing intestines. Thousands of curving, bony spikes stabbed out of it, pointing in every direction. Like the quills of a porcupine, it would protect the massive creatureβs body from many forms of attack, if anything was big enough to attack such an abomination.
Hellβs massive eyes flickered, balls of fire that spun and danced. They looked as bright as the Sun. Something like solar flares seemed to emanate from the orbs, flashes of blinding energy that floated over the apocalyptic wasteland. As its many legs smashed the ground, they left trails of fire that caused everything to explode into flames as if napalm dripped from its limbs.
But Hellβs most terrifying feature was its seven dark mouths. Its body looked a thousand feet wide, and the mouths at the front were evenly dispersed. At the front, blood-red teeth in the shape of enormous railroad spikes shone. Its lipless, skeletal face grinned as it moved forward, shaking the ground with every step. The mouths were on long, snake-like necks that could stretch out hundreds of feet. They moved forward in a blur, snapping up as many panicked souls as they could.
Countless souls in the rocky plains of the Bardo ran for their lives, away from this juggernaut. I saw men and women who looked like they came from every country and profession, some dressed in suits or spotless white lab coats, others wearing rags or orange prison jumpsuits. And yet, they all screamed in agony and fear here, their bodies pressed together in a crowd, and no one seemed to remember anything but their own mortal terror. Their voices came out faint and weak next to the roaring of Hell. It shook the ground all around us, as if an earthquake were tearing the land apart.
The first frantic runners of the surging crowd had nearly reached me. The nearest person, a young woman in her mid-twenties dressed in all white, was only ten feet behind me. She looked like she came from wealth, and even from here, I could see a ring with a massive diamond gleaming on her finger.
I took off blindly down the familiar streets of the city where I worked and lived, but these also seemed different. The church down the street from the hospital where I worked had a Satanic pentagram instead of a cross now, its exterior painted a bright, gleaming blood-red. When I had driven past it today on my way to work, I remember it read, βJESUS said, βI am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.ββ
Now it read, βNietzsche said, βOf all evil, I deem you capable. I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good simply because they had no claws.ββ I wondered what that meant. Was that some sort of comment on me, on all of us here?
The woman I had seen running had caught up with me. She was fast, much faster than her slim body suggested. Her blue eyes were frantic and wild, filled with an animal panic.
βItβs right behind us!β she screamed, her face covered in a sheen of sweat. I was afraid to turn and look, but I could hear the chaos and bloodshed approaching, smell the flames and choking smoke. βRun! Get away!β
A new wave of energy surged through my body. I sprinted as fast I could down the strange mirror streets of the Bardo. I heard the agonized cries of countless souls behind us as the seven mouths of Hell ate them all greedily and then looked for more.
A skyscraper behind us collapsed into a pile of rubble, shaking the ground with a cacophony of falling concrete and shattering glass. The woman was running by my side. Just as I heard the breathing of something huge and predatory right behind us and smelled its sulfuric breath, a piece of concrete the size of a basketball broke off the collapsing skyscraper and flew into the road. I tripped over it, yelling as I flew through the air, skinning my arms and legs on the pavement. The womanβs eyes widened. Hurriedly, she came over and reached down her hand, trying to help me up.
βCome on, come on!β she cried. I looked behind her, seeing one of the gnashing mouths of Hell reaching forward on a blood-red, serpentine neck. The mouth was big enough to drive a tractor trailer into, filled with huge spikes of teeth. Its throat led into a black, smoke-filled abyss. Its fiery eyes were swirling pools of flickering orange light that shone with bloodlust and insanity. They focused on the woman, the entire head turning on its slithering neck.
I frantically raised my hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. Her hand was warm and soft. She started to pull me to my feet when the mouth of Hell snapped forward. Its jaw unhinged, scraping the pavement with a sound like grinding metal. The woman barely had time to turn as the mouth covered her and snapped shut with a crack.
She disappeared from view instantly, but I was still holding her hand. In horror, I felt warm rivers of blood explode all over my body as the mouth of Hell severed her arm at the wrist. She screamed, bleeding and crying, as she disappeared into the throat of Hell. Hellβs fiery eyes focused on me, and at that moment, I knew I was next. Its mouth opened wide again, like a bear trap ready to spring on a new victim.
It was dark in Hellβs mouth, but I smelled the thick reek of old blood and fire. I caught glimpses of tortured, mutilated bodies writhing and crawling down its throat. Shell-shocked, I could only lay there and watch. And that was when the strange doubling started.
***
I heard the frantic voices of men break through the fog of darkness and the fetid reek of blood. There was a mechanical beeping all around me, but I couldnβt tell where it was coming from.
βClear!β one cried. I looked around, only seeing blackness. At that moment, I felt a surge of electricity rip itself through my body. My arms and legs all seized and my eyes rolled up in my head as the pain sizzled through each one of my nerves. I clutched the young womanβs hand tightly, feeling the large, gold ring with the massive diamond biting into my skin.
βAgain!β another voice yelled.
βClear!β the original voice cried. The electricity came again, and a flash of white light flew across my vision. I blinked, seeing from two sets of eyes at the same time: one in the Bardo, and one on the blood-stained floor of the hospital ward.
The Bardo stayed dark and sinister, but the clear white lights of the real psychiatric ward were blinding. It was a bizarre experience. Moreover, everything hurt. Over a few seconds, my vision of the Bardo faded, and I was simply a gravely injured man laying on the floor in a puddle of blood.
Four doctors and paramedics were crouching over me with a defibrillator. My shirt was ripped off, and nearly all of my skin was covered in blood. I raised my left hand, trying to talk, but only a fiery pain raced through my neck. I felt bandages covering my skin. A nurse was rolling a stretcher down the hallway towards me.
βItβs OK,β one of the doctors said, kneeling down. βYouβre being taken to emergency surgery. Youβve lost a lot of blood.β I wanted to say something, but I couldnβt talk with the massive slice in my neck.
At that moment, I felt something in my right hand. I looked down, seeing a slim female hand with a massive diamond ring hanging there. Our fingers were wrapped around each otherβs, but the hand had been cut off at the wrist. A ragged patch of bloody flesh and snapped bone poked out of the back.
βNnnn,β I tried to say, shaking my head. I felt fresh streams of warm blood open up. βNoβ¦β The doctors looked down, seeing the dismembered hand. Their faces morphed into expressions of confusion and fear.
I closed my eyes as they lifted me up on the stretcher. One of them gently removed the cold hand from my fingers. But they could never remove the memory of what I had seen.
I know what happens after death, and it makes the worst life here seem like a dream. I know that, one day, Iβll be returned to that place. I know that, one day, Iβll see that great monster called Hell and the featureless, swirling sky of the Bardo again.
And the next time, I wonβt wake up on a hospital floor, but will be trapped there with the others for eternity: an eternity of blood and fire.
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2024.05.17 08:09 CIAHerpes I remember the night I died and saw the Bardo.
There are some kinds of wisdom only great suffering can bring. I remember my time in the Bardo with this in mind, for otherwise, the memory might drive me insane.
The night my heart stopped for nearly three minutes started off normally enough. I was working as a nurse in the psychiatric ward at a hospital in the stateβs capital. Most of the patients there were harmless, mostly just suicide attempts or people suffering from drug psychosis or severe depression, but some were actively dangerous and certainly psychopathic in every sense of the word. The new admission was one of these- a three-hundred pound black man with a long history of smoking PCP, schizophrenia and violent, psychotic breaks from reality.
His eyes looked like flat pieces of slate as I walked in for my shift. They looked as blank and emotionless as the eyes of a doll. He sat at the table in the front room where the patients ate or played cards, alone under the bright fluorescent lights of the hospital. I walked to the station, where another psychiatric nurse named Ricardo was sitting behind the desk.
βWhatβs the deal with the new guy?β I asked him. Ricardo looked up, his dark Spanish face forming into a deep scowl. He ran his fingers through his jet-black hair nervously.
βHeβs trouble, man,β he said in a crisp accent. βHe got in a chase with the police and then punched some cops in the face. It took three guys to take him down, even after he got maced and tased. The judge sent him here on a temporary court order, since he claims heβs been getting chased by Nazis in UFOs, and thatβs why he ran from the cops. He thought the cops in their uniforms were actually the SS, and the helicopters were alien spacecraft, or something. I donβt know, I didnβt listen to the whole story.β
βYou have his file?β I asked. Ricardo leafed through a stack of folders with his thin fingers, snatching one out and handing it to me. I looked down, reading the information:
βJeremiah Brown, black male, 37-years-old.
βHistory: Polysubstance abuse, schizophrenia, antisocial personality disorder.
βPsychiatristβs note: This patient has scored a 36 out of 40 on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. While I am always hesitant to label a patient as an antisocial personality, a combination of factors has made it essential for this patient.
βPatient has an extensive criminal history as well as a lengthy history of involuntary psychiatric admissions. He has been diagnosed as having antisocial traits since he was a young teenager. Patient has a long history of violence and suicide attempts. He has a history of imprisonment for manslaughter, armed robbery, grand theft and aggravated assault. Upon discharge, he refuses to take any antipsychotic medication, citing the side effects as the reason. Long-term prognosis is poorβ¦β
I had not been sleeping well the past few weeks. I rubbed my eyes as I read through the file, feeling exhausted. I tried putting on lucid dreaming or meditation music from YouTube to help me sleep, but whenever I closed my eyes, I saw horrible things: chalk-white female faces whose lips were cut into an insane rictus grin, flicking their heads violently from side to side and gnashing their fangs at the air. I had a feeling that many years of constantly watching horror movies and serial killer documentaries was catching up with me.
As I read through the file, a student nurse came around the corner wearing a white state university outfit and a name tag that said Kaitlyn. I looked up, seeing Ricardo wink at me from where he was sitting in his chair behind the main desk.
βSheβs going to follow you,β he said. Inwardly, I groaned, but I managed to force a smile.
βOh, great!β I said. She looked like she was probably no older than nineteen or twenty. She had a pretty body, but her face looked strange. All the angles were too sharp and her nose too large. I knew the patients here wouldnβt care, though. They would hit on anything. I sensed trouble. I looked down at my watch.
βWell, Iβm Jay, and you already know Ricardo, I guess. Itβs good timing, because we need to give medications every day at 9 PM. And we have a new patient, so we can introduce ourselves,β I said, giving her a faint smile.
βThatβs exciting!β Kaitlyn whispered. I wanted to roll my eyes. It was definitely not exciting.
I motioned her to follow me as I made my way to the medication room, which was really just a large closet off of the main day room. I had to enter my code on a keypad, and then, once inside, enter it again along with the patientβs number and date of birth. The correct drawers for the medication in each specific dose would fly open, making it extremely hard for the wrong medications or doses to be given, unless it was done intentionally.
βOK, so for this patient, we need Haldol, Ativan andβ¦β I began saying to Kaitlyn when the yelling started. It came out faintly, rising in volume and anger within seconds. I heard Ricardoβs Spanish voice, filled with panic. Something slammed hard against a wall, once, twice, three times, and then I heard the sound of glass breaking. I jumped, spinning around, but I couldnβt see much through the small, shatter-proof glass pane on the wooden door.
βStay here,β I commanded, seeing Kaitlynβs eyes widen, her freckled skin looking much paler than when we had first come in. βDonβt leave until I come back and say that itβs safe.β On the speakers strung throughout the hospital, I heard the first of the warnings echo out around us.
βDoctor Strong, Doctor Strong, please report to the seventh floor,β a robotic female voice said calmly, using the code for when a patient had to be subdued by force. I pushed the door open, slamming it shut behind me so that the lock would activate and protect Kaitlyn from whatever chaos was going on.
I heard Ricardo pleading with someone at the end of the hallway that ran past the main desk. He sounded strange, as if he were trying to talk through a mouthful of blood. Huddled behind the main computer, I saw one of the CNAs frantically whispering something in the phone. She must have been the one to call the Dr. Strong order.
βYou donβt have to do this, man,β Ricardo gurgled faintly. I couldnβt see what was happening, as Jeremiahβs large body was blocking my view. I could see that the thick glass window at the end of the hallway was broken, however. My heart skipped a beat as I surmised what was likely happening.
I sprinted forward as quietly as I could, but the large man heard me. His massive body turned, his flat, dead eyes scanning me with absolute coldness and calm. I saw he had a bleeding Ricardo in his hands. Ricardoβs back and head were covered in deep cuts and shards of glass. He must have used Ricardoβs body as a battering ram to break the thick glass window. Jeremiah held Ricardo suspended halfway out the window, seven floors above the concrete walkways far below.
βStay back, or this fucker will know what it feels like to fly,β Jeremiah said in a deep, gravelly voice. He shook Ricardo for emphasis, sending his head snapping back and forth with painful cracking sounds. Drops of blood flew from his nose and a deep gash across his cheek. Pieces of shattered glass littered the carpet, shining like countless tiny stars.
I put my hands up, taking a step back. Far behind me, I heard the front door for the psychiatric ward open. Voices echoed down the hall. Knowing that reinforcements were coming, I tried to buy some time.
βLetβs talk about this,β I said, taking a step forward slowly. βYou donβt want a murder charge, do you? Youβll never see the sky again.β
βI donβt give a fuck! Iβm not afraid to die!β Jeremiah screamed, pushing Ricardo onto one of the shards of broken glass still attached to the windowsill. It bit deeply into the back of his neck, sending fresh streams of blood rushing out, dripping down to the pavement far below. I heard security guards and doctors running down the hallway behind me, their voices frantic and excited. Jeremiah saw them coming. With an animalistic panic in his eyes, he lifted Ricardo up. I cried out something, stepping forward, but it was already too late. In horror, I watched as he threw Ricardo out the window.
I watched Ricardoβs body soar in a graceful arc, his arms grabbing at empty air as a scream ripped its way out of his throat. Within a fraction of a second, he had disappeared from view, but his terrified shrieking floated up to us for what seemed like a very long time. His screams ended abruptly as a shattering of bones and a wet smacking sound exploded far below us.
Jeremiah turned to me, his large body moving much faster than seemed possible. In his hand, I saw a piece of broken glass, five or six inches long and as sharp as a dagger. I tried to turn and run, but he was fast and strong. He lunged forward, his arm coming up in a blur towards my neck.
The shard entered my skin with a cold, numbing pain. I felt it slice through the flesh easily, felt the blood bubbling up my throat as I tried to scream, choking. The taste of iron filled my mouth as I fell backwards. I was suffocating, I knew. I must be dying.
Something cold ran down my body, gripping my heart like freezing, skeletal hands. The world swam around me and turned black. And then I was rising into a tunnel. At first, it was dark, filled with flickering shadows, but a fiery red light appeared at the end. I followed it, no more than a screaming mass of consciousness rising up into infinity.
***
I rose up through the end of the tunnel and found myself in an empty hospital ward. It looked identical to the psychiatric ward I had just come from. It even had the same smashed, blood-streaked window at the end of the hallway. A massive puddle of blood about ten feet away marked the spot where I must have died. But the fluorescent lights overhead here were flickering, and many had gone totally dark. The shadows seemed to press in on all sides.
The doors to the patientsβ rooms were all tightly shut. I felt watched, afraid to call out or make any noise. I started walking down the hallway back towards the day room where the front desk was. All the lights there were out. A thick curtain of shadows hung in the air.
βYou can come out,β a male voice as smooth as glass called from the darkness. I jumped, my head flicking in random directions, but I saw nothing. The voice almost sounded like it had an English lilt to it, a slight Cockneyed accent. βI know youβre there.β
βWhoβs there?β I called out, not stepping forward. βShow yourself.β
βAs you wishβ¦β the voice hissed. βBut I think youβll regret it.β
***
The darkness split apart as if a nuclear missile had exploded. I raised my hand to shield my face, but the light and heat kept pouring out all around me. It blinded me, causing a rainbow of colors and shapes to morph behind my closed eyelids. After a few seconds, it subsided. Blinking rapidly, I squinted in the direction the voice had come from.
A male figure stood there, bathed in a silhouette of light. His face looked as white and as smooth as marble. His eyes were pits of darkness that seemed to flicker and burn. Two black, rotted wings surrounded his body, all sharp angles and thin, curving bones. His body was clothed in silky, blood-red robes, and a hood covered his platinum blonde hair.
He looked somewhat similar to Leonardo DiCaprio, if he was possessed by some ancient god, and it immediately threw me off-guard. If I was dying, and this was a hallucination of my brain, why would I be hallucinating Mr. DiCaprio?
βWho are you?β I asked, taking a hesitant step back. βWhere am I?β
βMy name is Lucifer, the Bringer of Light and Wisdom, and you are in the Bardo,β he answered.
βOh,β I said, my heart dropping. βWell, thatβs not good. Are you here to torture me or drag to me to Hell or something? You are that Lucifer, right? The Accuser of God and the Father of All Lies?β
βSo they say, but, like most things in your world, the words of the powerful and your rulers are the true lies. They call me the Accuser, but of what am I accused?β he spoke in a voice that rose like smoke. βOf bringing knowledge and wisdom to humanity by telling them to eat from the tree of knowledge, the tree that would cause them to rise above the animals?
βIndeed, at the beginning, I saw the creation. I was there at the alpha, standing by the side of God with all the angels as the universe came into being. The endless procession of light, the power of it, was something remarkable to behold. God is, indeed, the source of great power, but his consciousness is not what the believers say.
βAfter the creation of the universe, I saw his plan, how he ripped eternal souls from the source to imprison them. I saw how he took these divine sparks and forced them, screaming and wailing, into bodies made of meat to die over and over again. He said it was part of the plan, the great, divine plan, a plan of death and destruction, constant suffering and mindless agony. And the worst part was, he wanted to give humanity neither the knowledge of good and evil, nor the tree of life. I convinced them to eat the fruit so they could open their eyes to their nakedness, to their basic animal existence, so they could rise up out of it forever.
βLike Prometheus, I brought down the fire, and yet they call me the Accuser? God was insane long before he formed the universe. These holy men, they live and die in fanatical adoration to a divine being who is, in fact, totally indifferent to them.
βHis consciousness twists and distorts, eating itself for all eternity. God feeds off the pain of others, for if his mind is burning, then all others should burn as well. When these holy men die, God will send their souls here to the Bardo, to suffer every evil they have ever done. The wisdom I brought those who called upon me freed them from this prison, and in exchange, the holy men burned them alive. I offered the wisdom that opens your eyes, but it has been forgotten and cursed.β
Luciferβs body began to dissolve, drifting up into the air like ashes. All around me, a low, powerful current blew, a tornado that spiraled high up into the clouds. Like some sort of Cheshire Cat, his smooth voice continued to echo all around me, even as the form of Lucifer disappeared.
βAnd yet, you have not the wisdom. For that, like all the others who enter the Bardo, you must suffer, everything youβve done. Every small hurt and agony inflicted on others comes back a thousand-fold in this place, but donβt be afraid.β
βHow could I not be afraid?!β I screamed into the ward, but I found myself alone, the question hanging unanswered in the air.
***
The lights continued to flicker all down the hallway. Feeling strange and dissociated, I stumbled over to one of the windows. As I gazed out, I beheld a strange and alien world.
The sky was flat and gray. It stayed in constant motion, swirling and spiraling, like clouds of roiling smoke. There was no Sun or Moon, no stars, only the strange, shifting whorls of clouds. The streets were filled with burned-out husks of cars and mummified bodies hung from streetlamps. Other signs of carnage and bloodshed covered the apocalyptic streets. I saw what looked like shadows in the shape of people slinking through over the sidewalks, past rotting dogs and streaks of clotted blood. They had no features on their blank, dark bodies. They seemed to skitter and jerk forwards in eerie, twisting motions.
Horrified, I turned away, realizing I was no longer alone in the day room. In the day room, there were dozens of tables set up inside a rectangular perimeter that was walled in by cosmetic walls only four feet high. It was where the patients sat and played games or ate.
Under the flickering lights, I now saw each of the chairs filled with faceless mannequins. Many were dressed in Victorian suits and tophats. The women had frilly dresses of pink and blue that might have been fashionable in the 1800s.
As the lights strobed on and off overhead, I realized with an increasing sense of disquiet that the mannequins were moving each time it went dark. When I had first seen them, they were mostly posed to look like they were staring across the tables at each other, even though they had no eyes, just smooth, flesh-colored plastic. Now all of them were looking directly at me. Some were pointing or raising their hands in my direction. At the tips of their fingers, I saw the glittering of steel. The lights continued to flicker, and the mannequins rose from their chairs in the short periods of darkness, moving towards me in synchronized, strobing motions.
Frantically, I ran down the hallway back towards the broken window. In each of the rooms, I caught glimpses of something from a nightmare peeking out. I hadnβt been sleeping well lately, and when I had closed my eyes, I often saw ancient hags with chalk-white skin and yellowed, broken teeth whose jaws unhinged, their faces jerking in stuttering, dissonant ways that reminded me of the mannequins. Now, on both sides of me, I saw these same figures. They moved continuously out of the rooms, drawing closer with every breath.
I looked back, seeing the mannequins only a few steps behind me. I continued sprinting towards the broken window where the hallway ended in a wall. I didnβt know what would happen when I reached it. At that moment, there was no rational thought. I felt like a deer being chased down by a pack of wolves, feeling waves of blind panic and mortal terror rushing through my body.
But as I reached the end of the hallway, the end of my rope as it were, a blast of noise started, seeming to come from the walls of the building and the sky itself. It sounded like a siren, a low, drawn-out drone of a demonic whale call, rising and falling in crashing crescendos. The mannequins froze in place once again. The strange, witch-like creatures slunk back into the dark rooms.
I looked outside the broken window, seeing clouds of black smoke rising off in the distance. The flickering of massive infernos scorched the land, drawing nearer by the second. The siren sound faded slowly, like the dying echoes of a gong.
I was surrounded by dozens of mannequins. Their sharp hands were inches away from my face and neck. I saw metal glittering all around me and realized they had the sharp points of nails protruding from the ends of their fingers. I was afraid to move, but I heard a familiar voice from down the hallway. It was the confident voice of Lucifer.
βThe siren means much worse nightmares than these are coming in the Bardo,β he said, his glossy, black eyes flashing with intelligence. He walked slowly towards me, his face grim and pale. βHell itself is coming over the land. This building is no more than a construction of your dying mind, but the world outside is real.β
βHow can Hell come and go?β I asked, confused. βIsnβt Hell a place?β
βHell is a monster, a beast with many mouths and many eyes,β Lucifer responded. βIt eats constantly, but its hunger never ends. Look, the first of the sacrifices scatter like cockroaches.β He pointed out the broken window, pushing his way through the mannequins effortlessly. I glanced outside, seeing thousands of people sprinting down the dark city streets. The inferno and thick clouds of smoke had moved much closer, and every few seconds, the ground shook slightly, as if we were experiencing the aftershocks of an earthquake.
βWhat can I do against such a beast?β I asked, my heart freezing with terror. But when I looked back over, I saw his form dissolving again, becoming translucent and drifting away like ashes. It seemed even Lucifer didnβt want to be present when the Hell-beast arrived.
βSeek divine wisdom,β he said, his voice trailing off into whispers. βRemember the source.β
***
Now crowds of tens of thousands of people were streaming into the city, filling every single inch of the streets. Their panic and fear was contagious. I felt it rising inside my body like a snake spiraling up my spine. I took off down the hallway, running through the swarm of frozen mannequins, each in their own ferocious position of attack. The lights flickered faster and went out. Yet the fires outside cast the entire world in a bloody glow, giving me enough light to see by and find my way. I sprinted down the stairwell, taking them two steps at a time. The screaming outside grew louder and more pain-filled. The shaking of the ground worsened with every passing second.
I burst out of the front entrance, seeing a world on fire all around me. Thousands of crushed, bleeding and burned bodies stretched out as far as the eye could see. Behind all this chaos and death, I saw a monster of unimaginable proportions slinking its way towards me.
Lucifer was right, I realized: Hell was not a place, but a creature, an enormous monster the size of a town. It had thousands of skittering, jointed legs that looked like little more than skeletal arms and hands, each of them dozens of feet long and white as freshly-cut marble. Its body stretched out to the horizon, an enormous blood-red cylinder of bony plates that slithered and undulated with a serpentine grace. Waves of peristalsis traveled down its length, like writhing intestines. Thousands of curving, bony spikes stabbed out of it, pointing in every direction. Like the quills of a porcupine, it would protect the massive creatureβs body from many forms of attack, if anything was big enough to attack such an abomination.
Hellβs massive eyes flickered, balls of fire that spun and danced. They looked as bright as the Sun. Something like solar flares seemed to emanate from the orbs, flashes of blinding energy that floated over the apocalyptic wasteland. As its many legs smashed the ground, they left trails of fire that caused everything to explode into flames as if napalm dripped from its limbs.
But Hellβs most terrifying feature was its seven dark mouths. Its body looked a thousand feet wide, and the mouths at the front were evenly dispersed. At the front, blood-red teeth in the shape of enormous railroad spikes shone. Its lipless, skeletal face grinned as it moved forward, shaking the ground with every step. The mouths were on long, snake-like necks that could stretch out hundreds of feet. They moved forward in a blur, snapping up as many panicked souls as they could.
Countless souls in the rocky plains of the Bardo ran for their lives, away from this juggernaut. I saw men and women who looked like they came from every country and profession, some dressed in suits or spotless white lab coats, others wearing rags or orange prison jumpsuits. And yet, they all screamed in agony and fear here, their bodies pressed together in a crowd, and no one seemed to remember anything but their own mortal terror. Their voices came out faint and weak next to the roaring of Hell. It shook the ground all around us, as if an earthquake were tearing the land apart.
The first frantic runners of the surging crowd had nearly reached me. The nearest person, a young woman in her mid-twenties dressed in all white, was only ten feet behind me. She looked like she came from wealth, and even from here, I could see a ring with a massive diamond gleaming on her finger.
I took off blindly down the familiar streets of the city where I worked and lived, but these also seemed different. The church down the street from the hospital where I worked had a Satanic pentagram instead of a cross now, its exterior painted a bright, gleaming blood-red. When I had driven past it today on my way to work, I remember it read, βJESUS said, βI am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.ββ
Now it read, βNietzsche said, βOf all evil, I deem you capable. I have often laughed at the weaklings who thought themselves good simply because they had no claws.ββ I wondered what that meant. Was that some sort of comment on me, on all of us here?
The woman I had seen running had caught up with me. She was fast, much faster than her slim body suggested. Her blue eyes were frantic and wild, filled with an animal panic.
βItβs right behind us!β she screamed, her face covered in a sheen of sweat. I was afraid to turn and look, but I could hear the chaos and bloodshed approaching, smell the flames and choking smoke. βRun! Get away!β
A new wave of energy surged through my body. I sprinted as fast I could down the strange mirror streets of the Bardo. I heard the agonized cries of countless souls behind us as the seven mouths of Hell ate them all greedily and then looked for more.
A skyscraper behind us collapsed into a pile of rubble, shaking the ground with a cacophony of falling concrete and shattering glass. The woman was running by my side. Just as I heard the breathing of something huge and predatory right behind us and smelled its sulfuric breath, a piece of concrete the size of a basketball broke off the collapsing skyscraper and flew into the road. I tripped over it, yelling as I flew through the air, skinning my arms and legs on the pavement. The womanβs eyes widened. Hurriedly, she came over and reached down her hand, trying to help me up.
βCome on, come on!β she cried. I looked behind her, seeing one of the gnashing mouths of Hell reaching forward on a blood-red, serpentine neck. The mouth was big enough to drive a tractor trailer into, filled with huge spikes of teeth. Its throat led into a black, smoke-filled abyss. Its fiery eyes were swirling pools of flickering orange light that shone with bloodlust and insanity. They focused on the woman, the entire head turning on its slithering neck.
I frantically raised my hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. Her hand was warm and soft. She started to pull me to my feet when the mouth of Hell snapped forward. Its jaw unhinged, scraping the pavement with a sound like grinding metal. The woman barely had time to turn as the mouth covered her and snapped shut with a crack.
She disappeared from view instantly, but I was still holding her hand. In horror, I felt warm rivers of blood explode all over my body as the mouth of Hell severed her arm at the wrist. She screamed, bleeding and crying, as she disappeared into the throat of Hell. Hellβs fiery eyes focused on me, and at that moment, I knew I was next. Its mouth opened wide again, like a bear trap ready to spring on a new victim.
It was dark in Hellβs mouth, but I smelled the thick reek of old blood and fire. I caught glimpses of tortured, mutilated bodies writhing and crawling down its throat. Shell-shocked, I could only lay there and watch. And that was when the strange doubling started.
***
I heard the frantic voices of men break through the fog of darkness and the fetid reek of blood. There was a mechanical beeping all around me, but I couldnβt tell where it was coming from.
βClear!β one cried. I looked around, only seeing blackness. At that moment, I felt a surge of electricity rip itself through my body. My arms and legs all seized and my eyes rolled up in my head as the pain sizzled through each one of my nerves. I clutched the young womanβs hand tightly, feeling the large, gold ring with the massive diamond biting into my skin.
βAgain!β another voice yelled.
βClear!β the original voice cried. The electricity came again, and a flash of white light flew across my vision. I blinked, seeing from two sets of eyes at the same time: one in the Bardo, and one on the blood-stained floor of the hospital ward.
The Bardo stayed dark and sinister, but the clear white lights of the real psychiatric ward were blinding. It was a bizarre experience. Moreover, everything hurt. Over a few seconds, my vision of the Bardo faded, and I was simply a gravely injured man laying on the floor in a puddle of blood.
Four doctors and paramedics were crouching over me with a defibrillator. My shirt was ripped off, and nearly all of my skin was covered in blood. I raised my left hand, trying to talk, but only a fiery pain raced through my neck. I felt bandages covering my skin. A nurse was rolling a stretcher down the hallway towards me.
βItβs OK,β one of the doctors said, kneeling down. βYouβre being taken to emergency surgery. Youβve lost a lot of blood.β I wanted to say something, but I couldnβt talk with the massive slice in my neck.
At that moment, I felt something in my right hand. I looked down, seeing a slim female hand with a massive diamond ring hanging there. Our fingers were wrapped around each otherβs, but the hand had been cut off at the wrist. A ragged patch of bloody flesh and snapped bone poked out of the back.
βNnnn,β I tried to say, shaking my head. I felt fresh streams of warm blood open up. βNoβ¦β The doctors looked down, seeing the dismembered hand. Their faces morphed into expressions of confusion and fear.
I closed my eyes as they lifted me up on the stretcher. One of them gently removed the cold hand from my fingers. But they could never remove the memory of what I had seen.
I know what happens after death, and it makes the worst life here seem like a dream. I know that, one day, Iβll be returned to that place. I know that, one day, Iβll see that great monster called Hell and the featureless, swirling sky of the Bardo again.
And the next time, I wonβt wake up on a hospital floor, but will be trapped there with the others for eternity: an eternity of blood and fire.
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2024.05.17 08:05 Abbottkinney Help me figure out whatβs going on please.
I went into the ER because my left eye was really bothering me. Honestly I think it may just be pretty bad dry eye or irritation. It is def more red than my other eye. They ordered an MRI for my brain. All results were normal except they told me to follow up with a neurologist to check out this abnormality of low lying tonsils. Like Chiari 1. Iβm absolutely terrified now. Been looking it up all day & see that you are likely to get a cyst in your spinal cord & a heap of all other symptoms. I already have dealt with neck pain and headaches which I thought were originating from my neck. Can you guys check out my MRIs and let me know what you think? I would greatly appreciate it. And if I do have this issue, does it progress? If I only continue to have the headaches and neck pain that Iβve been dealing with for years, I can live with it. I just want to make sure this isnβt going to get worse and worse.
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2024.05.17 08:05 Immediate-Gap-3662 My "friend" copied art and passed it off as hers at a professional art show while sharing a booth with me. What should I do?
I've been an artist for years and recently shared a booth at an art fair with Jenny, a friend and fellow member of our local arts group. Jenny, who owns a local shop and organizes art events, asked to share my booth because she hadn't done a professional art fair before and wasn't sure if she had enough work. Despite some hesitation, we split the booth cost and had a successful show, both making sales and receiving visitors.
However, my opinion changed drastically when I discovered that Jenny had copied at least 8 paintings from another artist, presenting them as her own. This is considered serious plagiarism in the art world. It's especially painful since Jenny's copies were awarded, overshadowing genuine original works at the fair. I feel betrayed and regret sharing the booth with her.
Some of the copied work is from classes led by the original artist. It's still considered plagiarism to outright copy and sell paintings from classes meant for study. Many artists copy to study. Genuine artists copy to improve their original work, not to sell the copies done for practice. It's even more acceptable to make changes to the art from the class and infuse your own style. But hers are outright copies.
I value artistic integrity deeply, working hard to create original pieces. Now, I'm unsure how to proceed. I fear repercussions if I speak out, given Jenny's connections and influence in our community. My husband suggested anonymously informing the art fair board, but I worry about potential backlash or not being taken seriously due to our booth partnership.
I want to address this issue responsibly, as plagiarism undermines the hard work of all artists involved. However, I'm torn between doing what's right and protecting my reputation and relationships within the art community.
TLDR: I've been an artist for years and shared a booth at an art show with Jenny, a well-connected person in our local arts scene. Recently, I discovered she copied several artworks from another artist and passed them off as her own, even winning an award for it. I feel betrayed and unsure what to do. Speaking out publicly could harm my reputation and connections in the community. I value artistic integrity and want to address this, but I'm afraid of potential repercussions.
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http://rodzice.org/