Disorders strattera eating

I’ve been scheduled for a DBQ MENTAL HEALTH DISORDER EXCEPT PTSD AND EATING DISORDERS and Behavioral Health
Anyone attend these with Optum? Any insight?

i’ll list my background and a ymptoms first for easy reading:
20F, diagnosed with acid reflux, ehlers danlos syndrome and emetophobic.

• can’t burp, probably done about 4 microburps in the last 10 years.
  
• hard/extremely rare for me to vomit. i have to gag HARD for a tiny amount to come up. i went 14 years without doing it.
  
• throat gurgles/croaks. sometimes have to whack my chest like a gorilla to get them up
  
• chest and stomach pressure
  
• nauseous/uncomfortable feeling which is my main symptom. mainly after food
  
• gi tract growls when i flex in and out sometimes
  
• occasionally difficulty swallowing at night
  
• prone to trapped wind and super gassy
  
• i feel very tight after eating a large meal
  

ACTUAL EXPLANATION:
20F) soooo. had stomach/chest issues after getting covid in 2022. i should also mention, covid was the first time i had thrown up in 14 years and even then i had to gag quite forcefully to get anything up and it was a pretty pathetic amount. i’ve since only vomited maybe twice more from anxiety, which again, involved me having to gag very very hard for a small amount to come up. not painful, but it took a while to get anything out. aside from that, haven’t thrown up since i was 6.
since getting covid, i’ve suffered with ‘nausea’ after i eat food, feeling very full of air and just a general sicky discomfort but not to the point where i can’t stomach food. i’m also very prone to getting trapped wind and am pretty much always bubbly.
the most obvious symptom i have, is well.. i can’t fucking burp. like at all. and i truly don’t think i ever have? the most i’ve done is one of those pathetic micro burps. put it this way, if a burp is a punch then the most i can muster up every few years is a light flick. and it always catches me off guard!
it’s like i have this pressured feeling and i have to tense my entire chest to get the gurgle up and then sometimes it goes back down and up again then eventually stops? idk. sometimes i even have to whack my chest to release it.
another weird thing i can do, is basically force my digestive system to growl and gurgle if i flex in and out. usually i use this to indicate when i need to eat before my stomach actually naturally growls. i’m just always full of fucking air.
i was diagnosed with acid reflux but no medication worked, infact i was actually better off it. i’ve also had a clear endoscopy so i’ve basically just been left in the dark. i get occasional mild heartburn but that’s about it. but i’ve always blamed the nauseous pressure i feel on acid?
i’m so fearful of food making me feel sick and just being randomly nauseous from this? maybe? that i’ve developed an eating disorder. i am also emetophobic and have ehlers danlos syndrome if that’s any help? if i do have this i’m seriously interested in the treatment.
i just don’t understand why this all started after i threw up from covid? sure i could never burp but i never had any of the other symptoms until after. could throwing up or covid trigger it?
tysm if you read and reply i’ll appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.

Hello. I don't usually frequent this sub, and I've only skimmed the rules so I hope I don't make any mistakes in formatting.
tl;dr: 5 years ago, I (now 22F) broke up with a long time friend (now 23M) who I was very close with, almost romantically involved. In the meantime, he became diagnosed with schizotypal disorder, was institutionalized by his parents, refused to go to treatment, and began starving himself (eating about once per 1-2 days, regularly not sleeping for 30-40 hours). More than half a year ago, I was contacted by his mother, who said that he was really not doing well, and that he told her I was his closest and most trusted friend. She asked me to help him, but I'm close to giving up. The only reason I haven't is because I feel bad about his mother and that he says he's always in pain.
Just to quickly summarise, the reason we broke up initially was because we had many many arguments over the years -- he had issues obeying boundaries set by others (he claimed that he wanted to hear facts and logic rather than emotions), and I had been insecure, emotionally unstable, and often did not express myself clearly. The breaking point came when he tried to obliquely pressure me into participating in a furry petplay bsdm roleplay with him as a 'dominant' (without using any of the words -- he claimed it was just about ownership, which is really a type of companionship). We argued about it for days before I said okay, fine. (For context, I was neither a furry nor had any knowledge of bdsm, also I was 16.) Incidentally, he has informed me recently that apparently he had already been roleplaying as a submissive for years online at that point, objected to my characterisation of that as grooming, and claimed that he was trying to be subtle about it because it was taboo.
Now to the present. What I've been doing is mostly ignoring him until I'm mentally ready to say something to him, because it causes me some stress to talk to him. However, he has a plan where he'll reveal the root cause of his pain to me, and that'll allow him to finally work on other things I've been asking him to work on (namely, actually eating, sleeping, keeping a diary, and generally taking care of himself). For this reason, the entire week he has been spamming my dms or even calling my phone. Furthermore, he has started calling me on the telegram app whenever he requires my attention and I don't respond. It frustrates me because often he either calls at past midnight hours, where I'm almost asleep, or in late evenings when I'm either doing work or having fun with my actual friends. Once I was drawing with a friend and he insisted I drop what I was doing to tend to him. Even though I always decline the calls, it serves to draw my attention and force me to engage his chat.
This came to a head yesterday night, because it was 2am, and I was about to fall asleep when he called again. He insisted that he needed to call me now, that it was a life or death situation, a once in a lifetime chance for him to "open his muzzle" and reveal truths. I told him no, and he continued asking/begging, either by saying that he was in a lot of pain, or by asking me if I could hide in the washroom for a 5 minute call or type while he talks (I said that it was bloody 2am, I wanted to sleep, and I didn't want to disturb my family). I maintained a flat no and managed to go to bed again after an hour of this silly back and forth.
The next morning he complains that he hasn't slept, feels immense pain, and that he's extremely upset that I did not pick up his call the night before. We argued even further, and when I returned from lunch he had spammed my dm with upwards of 50 messages. I told him to go to sleep if he was in pain, and when he said he couldnt because he was hungry, to get some food. We argued further and he complained that I wasn't supposed to answer to those messages, and that I knew food was a trigger for him.
After even more arguments, I said that if he cannot stop sending messages to me by himself, I can block him and unblock him for a few hours so he can actually sleep. When I blocked him, he called my actual phone, and told me that it's not the correct method to deal with him (because 'denying curiosity is fueling it', and that 'I should tell him to relax and go to sleep'. I told him to screw off and stop calling my phone without permission, and he told me that he wanted me to delete all the messages since the 50 message spam. So now I've told him I've blocked him until a few hours later, and that I will block him if he calls me thrice today (which he did and I promptly blocked his phone number).
The thing is that I know he is deeply sick, but I don't think I can continue helping him if he continues to repeatedly overstep clearly stated boundaries and continuously making excuses for his behavior. Furthermore, he claims he has been trying hard, but I learnt from his mother that he lied about quite a few things prevent his image from being damaged in my eyes. He also never discusses actual steps he takes to improve his problems (namely, starvation??) but would repeatedly write messages about being in pain, about being a feral animal, and about his paranoia about institutions being out to catch him.
Apologies for the long post. Appreciate if anyone has any input. I understand that being in pain makes self-control difficult, but sometimes I feel like he's just using it as an excuse to act on the first impulse that pops into his head.

F - 27 - CW 286 - SW 305 TW: disordered eating habits
How do you navigate no appetite due to stress? I am glad I'm not resorting to bingeing like I used to, but I am severely under-eating because I am so worried. I am being very picky, nothing sounds good, haven't had a real "meal" in 4 days, just tiny portions of carbs. I know that's bad to not have much protein, I just can't get myself to eat much of anything unless it sounds ok (which is far and few foods). I am also pacing like crazy, lost at least 10 lbs this week alone from this situation. I can definitely afford to lose weight but would rather do it healthily. I think its because I'm lacking control in the situation but I can control my food intake. I just can't seem to break the pattern right now. Any advice is appreciated, tia!

We have collected a set of stories and informative pieces about BDD. From stories from people who have overcome it to celebrities who have openly talked about it, you can find articles and videos about body dysmorphia from these following links.
Public figures on BDD

• Modern Family actor Reid Ewing on BDD and plastic surgery
• Artist Billie Eilish on depression and BDD
• The Good Place actor Jameela Jamil on BDD and eating disorders
• Actor Robert Pattinson on anxiety and BDD
• Actor Megan Fox on BDD and mental health

​
Documentaries and videos

• What BDD feels like BBC Three
• Seeing myself as ugly BBC Three
• I feel so ugly: Body dysmorphic disorder Only Human
• Imperfect me: The impact of BDD SkyNews
• BDD patients see faces differently ABC Science
• Bigorexia: Muscle dysmorphia BBC Newsbeat
• Believing is seeing: New perspective on BDD TEDx Oxford
• The BDD Foundation on Youtube

​
Personal stories and interviews

• Perfection is impossible A personal story
• Living with BDD A personal story
• I felt so ugly I didn't want to be alive Interview
• BDD ruined my life Interview

​
Podcasts

• Beating BDD podcast (11 episodes) BDDFoundation
• What is BDD? Stuff Mom Never Told You

​
Books

• Books by people with BDD
• Books by professionals on self help
• The BDD workbook

Im in my early 20s and try to budget the little money i got. My problem is that i deal with depression & loneliness sometimes and always binge on food to cope with it. This always ends up in me spending so much money on groceries. Im not even fat because i stay active but it hurts my wallet like crazy. I can spend upwards to 20-50 dollars a day on food bc of my binging and i could just use some insight from people who been through this before.

hi again. I ended up deleting the post in question because it was making me extra anxious, but I posted a combination vent/advice post talking about the extreme back pain I'd been having and how hard the decision to call 911 for help was on me. thank you to everyone here who supported and encouraged me, it means a lot.
lots of medical talk and some serious discussion of fainting from this point on, so read with caution if that's a trigger for you.
so, I've now been in the emergency room for 2 days ( I think? had a major panic attack which felt like it removed a whole day from my mind) as they haven't had a spare bed to actually admit me to the hospital properly. but since I've been here, they've done a lot for my pain and I've had tons of tests.
having to be in the hospital is absolutely fucking miserable for obvious reasons, but I am glad I called for help. my pain was extreme and I started considering 911 because I'd spent an entire day without being able to eat or drink because I just couldn't stand. I hate what agoraphobia does to you. I couldn't fucking feed myself and could hardly make it to the bathroom, but the sheer fear of leaving my apartment really had me trying to just... not seek help. I hate this fucking disorder. it's like a prison.
anyway, I'd been told before I probably had a herniated disc, but that's not the case. so I'm very glad I came. I got a CT scan and they've discovered an approximately 10 inch long teratoma inside me. it's either next to or sprouting off my ovary and is pressing against my spine and my intestines mostly. haven't had bathroom issues thankfully, but can't say the back pain is really any better.
guys, when I say this shit was shocking to see, I'm not exaggerating. I wish I had asked for a copy of my CT scan. imagine a diagram of a human being, and inside there is an football shaped mass shoved against the spine. fucking horrifying. it is a relief to know what's going on, but because of the sheer size of this thing and the fact I'm now completely unable to get up or stand on my own, my doctor told me "you're not leaving the hospital with this still inside you" and is aiming to schedule me for surgery this weekend. she said Monday was also a possibility but was aiming for earlier.
this will be my first time having major surgery in my entire life (I'm 25!) and i don't have any of my coping objects like my plushies or my fidget toys, all I have is my phone.
also, they don't know for sure if the thing is a teratoma actually, but two doctors who've examined the scans in different ways suspect it is. they also just took a crap ton of blood from me to do some testing for cancer a couple of hours ago. cancer is still an option that's on the table.
I'm. exhausted. i'm not even as upset over the possibilities as I can be anymore, and I think that's because the night I arrived was the first time in my entire life I experienced 10/10 pain and spent probably several hours uncontrollably sobbing. they couldn't keep me in a bed forever simply because the ER didn't have enough, and sitting in a chair is the most painful position possible for me, and I couldn't stop sobbing because I was just in so much pain... even after they gave me some heavy pain meds and muscle relaxers...
I came very close to passing out because it hurt to breathe. I am appreciative for being in the hospital because the staff has helped me a lot obviously, but GOD I wish ANYONE could've listened when I was BEGGING for help to breathe. it kept going like:
me: gasping and leaning over nearly fainting PLEASE HELP ME BREATHE I CAN'T FEEL MY LIMBS
staff: yeah, that's because you're breathing really shallowly
me: PLEASE HELP ME BREATHE
staff: take a deep breath in
me: takes a shallow shaky breath in. sputters out. literally forgets to breathe multiple times and accidentally holds my breath and gasps out in pain
staff: yeah just like that
three different. staff members did this to me. and also one nurse tried to give me a call button on a cord, I told him audibly I couldn't move or feel my hands, he shoved it awkwardly in my unmoving fingers and I of course instantly dropped it as he walked away. he came back to check on me and seemed surprised that happened. so that part wasn't ideal. I can't remember well but I think the only thing that stopped my panic was just becoming too exhausted to shout in pain any more. fucking horrific experience.
lol and shout out to the person in the next emergency room seat over from me, who literally raised her voice at me to be quieter and be respectful of other people. and then repeatedly loudly complained to nurses about how loud I was. nurses didn't really give her the time of day about that one, at least. each one put on their "I'm going to be polite but you're an idiot" voice.
everything else has been okayish though. I'm now in a bed again since I think that amount of pained screaming made them realize I need to be in one. im. as okay as an emergency hospital trip for an agoraphobic can be. I ate a hospital cheeseburger that was surprisingly good.
so, how's everybody else's weekend plans?

(F, 20) So the last couple of years I’ve realized how toxic my mom is. The focus has always been on my dad because he’s the more unstable one. But being in therapy and my partner pointing out her flaws has really shown me. Now that my dad’s left as of 1-2 years ago, it’s clear that he wasn’t the sole issue in the household. My mom is extremely negative and it brings down my mood. Always insulting strangers (so that they can’t hear of course) and complaining about literally everything. She has terrible road rage and it’s awful being in a car with her. Sucks because the majority of what we do together is go out to eat and I often ride with her. If I started to drive on my own she’d find it weird. She finds everything weird. She’s an anxious, angry mess and never seems happy for me or supportive; just finds things that could go wrong and gets me anxious. I’m convinced she’s a big reason for my anxiety disorder and depression. She holds me back so bad and it feels like she doesn’t want me to move on in life. Maybe because she’ll be very lonely once I’m gone. She’s also extremely intolerant especially when she’s angry and it makes me very uncomfortable. I feel like I can’t confide in her, tell her good news, talk about my life or anything because she makes it all a problem or straight up doesn’t care. It feels like she loves the dogs more than me. We recently got in a huge fight as well bc I told her I wanted to move in w my partner and their family because our house is unclean and stressful (I’m a college student and I need a safe space to study). She freaked out and insulted me for days over text. Growing up she always denied I had mental health issues and got very offended and mean if I tried to tell her about it or cry out for help. She was convinced I was trying to be special. I rlly can’t stand her anymore. It’s heartbreaking bc I always saw her as the “good parent” especially after she slandered my dad constantly (still does and it’s so annoying). She was my rock growing up. My hero. Now she’s just a Karen to me.

Hi everyone. I feel like my dad's diabetes is the source of many of my traumas.
He gets angry if he feels that anyone judges or wants to change what he eats. But the he has no self control and eats everything that is available, in the middle of the night. We went through harder times money wise and he ate big portions that were not only bad for him but also eating the portions that should have gone to others.
All my life we had to watch him be gluttonous over food, eating food that is obviously bad for him. My mom cooks really healthy but if there is carb heavy meal, we will cook a healthier option for him on the side. Even then it only leads to him eating two big portions, one of our carby food and one additional of the healthier option.
If I cook something and say beforehand that it is only for me, he will come and eat it anyway or ask for the rest of it. If I say no, he is visible disappointed and annoyed, saying I should be more respectful.
If someone buys food for the family and everyone gets equal pieces, he will eat mom's as well.
Then he has to undergo surgeries, expensive medicine, is unbalanced and only tired all day. He is mad at himself for his late night snack attacks but also mad if we restrict him by not buying snacks. We wouldn't mind and offer it , but he says he doesn't want to feel like a child. That he wants to make his own decisions. So all our live we had to hide the sweets away in secret cupboards and he got angry when he found out.
It just feels so heavy for the rest of the family.
Since he is eating himself to death and deeper into sickness and all we can do is watch.
Also, at least two of us children gained eating disorders from the unhealthy relationship to food. As a teen I was anorexic and my brother has a binge eating disorder. And everytime we eat together it has the potential of being a topic of discussion again.
Has anyone of you dealt with a similar trauma? I don't even know where to get resources how to handle it. It seems so silly to be angry at my dad for his sickness. I feel like the worst kid to even talk about it.

Last month I got my regular period the same time I have been, right around the first of the month. Then around the 14-15th I got a second period, it wasn’t weird in any other way except maybe a little more blood and lasted a bit longer than usual (usually my periods are five days, first two super heavy and days 4 and 5 just light spotting where I won’t even wear a tampon at night) Now this month I haven’t gotten a period at all yet. Could my period just have doubled up last month so I’m not getting one for this month? *relevant background - I’m 34, started menstruating around age 12-13, been pretty regular this whole time except when I was having disordered eating related weight issues 6-7 years ago, and was pregnant in my very early 20’s and had immediate and pretty extreme symptoms so very certain that it’s not pregnancy

i have a.... somewhat tumultuous relationship with my mother. without getting too into the details, she is the classic eating disorder mom. i grew up hearing relentless negative comments on my body, appearance, diet, and personality. i have major mommy issues.
and to quote her directly: "you're like the mother and i'm like the kid. it's always been that way."
i'm turning 24 next week and i live on my own. my mom typically wants to spend time together way more frequently than i do, i prefer to stick to holidays with firm boundaries and therapy before and after.
i finally agreed to see her on mother's day. the day came and my dad texted me and said she was sick. i texted her and didn't hear back until five days later.
she told me she attempted suicide by overdose and spent five days in the hospital. she was scared to tell me but my brother said she should.
instead of coming to see me for mother's day she tried to commit suicide. she was going to leave me here without saying anything.
me and my mom both probably have BPD. i've been diagnosed (twice) and for her the lack of emotional regulation, extreme fear of abandonment, suicidality, etc... are all there. i have beef with the diagnostic framework for mental illness in general, but if if looks like a duck, quacks like a duck... yeah, we're basically both really fucked up from trauma. she's just the one who caused most of my trauma. but holy shit i never ever wanted her to kill herself!!!! ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling an array of emotions on my diagnosis of ADHD - combined type today, though it hasn’t come as a shock, at all. Lol.
First suspish memory I have is being 4yo and saying to my mum “my brain feels like it’s an antenna picking up on all the radio stations at the same time, I can’t turn it off or turn it down and it’s SO. LOUD.”.
Unfortunately, I went through a significant amount of trauma as a child just prior to puberty, which continued for years, so ADHD was overlooked as I was diagnosed with a variety of behavioural conditions, such as PTSD, BPD, Manic Depressive disorder blah blah dadidi fucking blah…. A common issue apparently, particularly in women.
I’d been wondering lately why I still hadn’t managed to get on top of my mind, after over a decade of psychotherapy, yoga, meditation, clean eating (ofcourse all which fluctuated, because ADHD lol), and self enquiry (except this one was consistent because the inner critic never rests am I right?), like why the heck do I feel like there is something literally happening in my neural pathways of my brain that is outside of my control??? Ohhhh wait, because that’s genuinely the case.
So I’m processing all of this, all of the lost time, the regrets, which could’ve been avoided had I the right support systems in place, the little girl who was brimming with creativity, life, and magic that couldn’t fully realise her potential due to her brains genetic inability to channel all of her gifts in an efficient and empowering way… really grieving her, and all of the times I was led to believe I was intentionally being a “bad” person and choosing to make dumb mistakes, despite having a high IQ, pure intentions, and trying.so.damn.hard. To just get the basics done. Internalising all the criticism of my elders, teachers, peers and that becoming the over arching inner voice I’ve harboured the majority of my life.
I am exauhsted. I am angry. I am so so sad, and I am relieved, and grateful, to finally have clear answers and options, a chance to finally put my finger on the tuner of my brain and quieter all that noise.
Jeez. How’s everyone else’s diagnostic journey been?
How have you managed the grieving process if you had this experience too?
Did you release your regrets, your shame, and make peace with your past? How?
What happened to your inner critic and all the noise after your diagnosis and treatment?
I have so many questions and feel no long so alone after having felt isolated most of my life by this condition….
Any advice, sharing of experiences etc is deeply appreciated x

I am now a 23 year old woman.
When I was 13 I decided to become a vegeterian for ethical reasons. But I didn't worry too much about nutrition so I'd just eat a lot of vegetarian junk food and mainly carbs and dairy. Not many veggies or fruits. On top of that, I also developed an eating disorder at age 15 that was sort of "on and off": restricting and then "eating normal" and then restricting again and again. My weight has fluctuated between 42kg and 52kg because of that. Now that I'm older I've abandoned my vegetarian diet and started eating meats again. I'm more worried about my nutrition too and eating well.
However, I'm deeply worried that I've affected my development with my poor choices. I can't stop thinking that if I had had a healthy diet my hips would be larger, my legs would look better and my boobs would be better too. I feel so bad because I fear I am an inferior version of what I was supposed to be.

For the last two years I (F29) have been researching and reflecting about ADHD and autism - not a day goes by without me thinking about it, sometimes I still spend hours at a time on the topic. Before this I had a very stereotypical understanding of these "disorders", which is why I never considered them even though I have been feeling "weird" and wanted to find out what was "wrong with me" ever since early adolescence.
I will admit that my first introduction was via Tiktok, when I saw videos of ADHDers that were very relatable to me. Not in the sense of "if you do this one thing, you have ADHD" but more like "I struggled with these things/ my brain thinks like this and only realized later this might be related to my ADHD".
Anyway, at this point I'm fairly certain I might be AuDHD and would like to get assessed, but my therapist doesn't seem to take me seriously in this regard. I have been in therapy, psych wards and/or assisted living facilities ever since my adolescence and have been diagnosed with depression, binge-eating disorder and skin picking. I have always felt that these things were "just" symptoms of something "bigger". I've first brought this up to my therapist over a year ago (been with her since early 2022) and after some insisting, she told me she didn't really see ADHD or autism in me, then informed me of the long waiting lists for assessment and took out a questionnaire. I don't even remember what kind of questionnaire it was because I got so upset at the first question that we had to stop right away. I don't remember the specific question but it wanted a yes/no answer and I couldn't express that I felt both yes and no strongly with these type of questions, hence my suspicion of AuDHD. I dropped the topic for a while after this experience, I am very unconfrontational and also didn't want to experience that feeling again.
This week, I asked her why I'm still not even on a waiting list (asking that took a lot for me because it felt confrontational), and she said that they were too long anyway. Then she asked whether I had ever looked at personality disorders - I have, but I was never tested because my previous therapist also "didn't see it" and decided that testing was "not worth it".
I just don't know what to do at this point. I feel very strongly that there is something impacting every part of my life, but because I try very hard to appear competent and put-together, no one "sees it". I'm also pretty good socially as in I communicate well, but I think it's because I was labeled a gifted kid in primary school, especially in language, and since adolescence I've been obsessed with communication and psychology. So yes, I can read social cues and make eye contact, but it's exhausting to me and I am very conscious of everything I say or do. I feel stuck because my therapist is clearly no expert on autism (she hit me with the "but you can make eye contact" not too long ago), but I also can't speak to a specialist because I'm not on a waiting list - and even if I was, it would take a while. I don't know if I can take another year of this uncertainty, I'm starting to doubt myself and all the research and reflecting I've done. Maybe I am just one of those idiots that was influenced by some Tiktoks? Maybe I "taught" myself "odd" behaviours/ thinking patterns because I wanted to be different? Maybe I'm actually just "normal" and this is how everyone else feels and thinks? Maybe I "invaded" spaces like this subreddit and minimized others by self-diagnosing?
I will try not to lose faith in myself because I know there has to be a reason for my struggling. I know this is a weird question, but is there something else I should look into? I know most people here aren't professionals and of course you don't know enough about me - I guess I'm just wondering if there are other things that might look like ADHD and/or autism, some overlap I might have missed.
My current plan is to describe and document my struggles and patterns, then compare them to the DSM5 criteria of everything I've looked at so far. I usually take these things very literally, but I'll try to just collect any possible "evidence" and/or "contra-evidence" with the goal of maybe in a few months being prepared to show my therapist. Of course this whole thing also feels like I'm studying for an exam I want to pass and that I'm trying to convince her (and myself) of something that might not be true. This back and forth in confidence is tearing me apart, I will end this venting session here before it gets even worse. Thank you to anyone for reading this and any comments/ opinions.

I recently lost my FP and I´ve just constantly been breaking down.
I never had super healthy coping mechanisms, but mostly I just turned to disordered eating or getting into risky situations, to feel something. But lately none of it has worked to soothe me and I started being rlly su*cidal, wanted to commit last week by sl*tting my wrist (didnt work obvi)and now cut occassionaly and think about ODing on something. I also tried doing dr*gs, excessive drinking, smoking, but none of it helps to replace the emptiness inside me.
Did any of you feel similar and what did you do about it? I dont know what to do. I dont want to live like this and rlly want to switch to healthy coping and regulated emotions but it seems impossible

All the normal things in life are getting harder: Harder to cook for my family and smell the food and know they get to eat it and I can't. Harder to grocery shop & see all the pastries, chips, cookies, desserts that I want but can't have. Harder to pack my kids' lunches having to smell the peanut butter butter and the bread that I want so badly. Harder to walk around the mall when I smell the pizza shop, Subway, cookies baking, pretzels, popcorn from the movies knowing I can't have it. It's harder to buy snacks for my family and see them sitting in the cupboards waiting to be eaten by them. Harder to look at the food hoard Ive created. I've had to buy 2 additional freezers because I hoard bread, bagels, lean cuisine dinners, desserts, candy bars, Crumbl Cookies but never eat them. Harder to know my family is out at a restaurant eating good food while I eat canned chicken with sugar free BBQ sauce and veggies. I am miserable. Absolutely miserable. Restriction feels amazing, yet at the same time it is misery..how can that be? I want to recover, but I don't.... I am so conflicted and tormented. I could scream. I could cry. I see an eating disorder specialized therapist Monday. I don't know what will come of it. At a 14 BMI, I need to make a decision quick. Recover or not. I just don't know if I can give up this coping mechanism. I love it and hate it.

Hi
CBT practitioner here, and have noticed that the price of supporting books/clinician guides to the various disorders are extremely expensive. It is a big barrier to navigate and I am wondering if anyone has any recommendations for websites/ways in which to get free PDF versions of the various books that a CBT clinician may want.
Books of interest
Managing Social Anxiety: Therapist Guide: A Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Approach (Treatments That Work)
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Body Dysmorphic Disorder A Treatment Manual
The Clinician's Guide to CBT Using Mind Over Mood, Second Edition
Cognitive Behavioral Treatment for Generalized Anxiety Disorder From Science to Practice
Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Eating Disorders
A Young Person’s Guide to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Eating Disorders
Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Panic Disorder: A Clinician's Guide to Theory and Practice

I've been struggling with an eating disorder for about 6-8 years so far in my life. I'm 19 years old and a college student and I've hit an all time low. My whole everyday life revolves around my mound only thinking about the calories I've consume how much am I consuming for dinner later. I eat about 800 calories for the whole day and then I get to night and have extreme hunger and binge and then I get mad at myself all night and end up taking a laxative acting like that is gonna do something but just hurt my body in the long run. All I can think about is food. It's like I'm always starving 24/7. Even thought I'm eating balanced meals. I just don't get it. Why am I so hungry. It's come to a point where I sit up all night and make meal plans for myself the next day I go through with it then that night I binge. LIKE WHY. Why does my body do this to me. It's so discouraging to my mind. I'm just so tired of it. I'm tired of thinking about this all day. But if I don't I will gain weight. It I eat whatever I want or eat in moderation I will get fat. I go to the gym every day 7 days a week for 3 hrs burn between 500-800 calories every time yet I make no progress. I'm just done.

I recently found myself in a behavioral health hospital as an inpatient. Honestly, I only went to the emergency department for a prescription change. I know it sounds ridiculous, but before I knew it, I was waiting 15 hours to see my psychiatrist. I was desperate and needed a prescription change before leaving because I had just returned to my school to pack my stuff and bring it back home for the summer. I was basically threatened with a 5150 if I didn't "voluntarily" admit it; I ended up staying for the same amount of days as if I had a 5150, so what was the point? I never wanted to stay there. I wanted to leave because I needed to take care of my kitten, didn't have the finances for another inpatient hospital visit, and had a final presentation that morning (which I was forced to miss and my professor hasn't said anything since). Afterward, I made a plan to be on my best behavior. I spent basically my whole day doing several 300-piece puzzles for the past 3 days. I guess to demonstrate my sanity and ability to think critically and finish puzzles quickly. Honestly, it got to some point where I just kept seeing sheer remnants of memories of me doing puzzles, and slowly, it grew into something distressing and intrusive. Now I'm scared of puzzles, but at least I got to leave. I was also prescribed Wellbutrin, which hurts my head, but I wasn't about to say that so that they could keep me there longer. I honestly do not care about the medication anymore. Being there just made me more depressed and even made me fall into an eating disorder loop again. I told them that staying there wouldn't be good for me, but no - it'll help my depression. I spent every day thinking of how much happier I would be outside that room. Honestly, it just made me more grateful for not being locked in a room where the door outside only opens 1 1/2 inches. Once I told them, "What if I fail my stats class because I missed my final?" They said they'd write a note. Yeah, as if my professor would care.I recently found myself in a behavioral health hospital as an inpatient. Honestly, I only went to the emergency department for a prescription change. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but before I knew it, I was waiting 15 hours to see my psychiatrist. I was desperate and really needed a prescription change before leaving because I had just returned to my school to pack my stuff and bring it back home for the summer. I was basically threatened with a 5150 if I didn't voluntarily admit; I ended up staying for the same amount of days as if I had a 5150, so what was the point? I never wanted to stay there. I really wanted to leave because I needed to take care of my kitten, didn't have the finances for another inpatient hospital visit, and had a final presentation that morning (which I was forced to miss and my professor hasn't said anything since). Afterward, I made a plan to be on my best behavior. I spent basically my whole day doing several 300-piece puzzles for the past 3 days. I guess to demonstrate my sanity and ability to think critically and finish puzzles quickly. Honestly, it got to some point where I just kept seeing sheer remnants of memories of me doing puzzles and slowly it grew into something really distressing and intrusive. Now I'm scared of puzzles, but at least I got to leave. I was also prescribed Wellbutrin, which hurts my head, but I wasn't about to say that so that they can keep me there longer. I honestly do not care about the medication anymore. Being there just made me more depressed and even made me fall into an eating disorder loop again. I literally told them that staying there wouldn't be good for me, but no - it'll help my depression. I spent every day thinking of how much happier I would be outside of that room. Honestly, it just made me more grateful for not being locked in a room where the door outside only opens 1 1/2 inches. Once I told them, "What if I fail my stats class because I missed my final?" They said they'd write a note. Yeah, as if my professor would care.
TLDR: I "voluntarily" admitted myself to the behavioral health hospital's inpatient place and did 300 piece puzzles for days to get out. Now i'm haunted by them.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Throwra_JessComeOn posting in AITAH
Concluded as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 17th April 2024
Update1 - 19th April 2024
Update2 - 13th May 2024
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AITAH For breaking my Number 1 sex rule with a handicapped guy?
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Obviously throwaway, I don’t need anyone here seeing my regular account. Also I’m in the US and English is my first language, any discrepancies are because I suck at typing on my phone.
So TL/DR for the “give me the bare bones, I don’t have all day to read on the shitter” crew: My #1 sex rule since high school has been no sex before the third date. I recently broke that rule with a handicapped guy, and now my childhood best friend is pissed and grossed out because she thinks I have some weird kind of fetish.
Context/full story: I’m a 28f. My childhood best friend we’ll call Jess is also 28f. To put it simply, I don’t think I’m any kind of prude, I just don’t really feel comfortable with casual sex, never have. My best friend knows this and has teased me about it lightly in the past. She’s been in a long term relationship for the last 3 years, I’ve mostly been single while working on my degree and starting my career. Jess lives in another state with her boyfriend, so we don’t hang out much anymore.
So about a month ago I had a first date with a guy I’d been talking to for a bit, thought it was going places, but he gave a WEIRD vibe on the date and I cut and ran early. On my way home I stopped at a local pub, figured I’d have a drink to unwind and people watch till it wore off. (Tipsy driving is still drunk driving IMO.) I get there and it’s pretty packed, Friday night and all, and there was no seating room at the bar. Took my drink and looked around, most of the “restaurant” side of the pub was someone’s birthday party, but there was a small table with a seat open off to the side, with a guy reading a book there. So I say eff it, I’m a social person and what’s the worst thing that happens, he says no? So I ask if I can sit there for a bit, I promise we don’t have to talk or anything.
At this point I feel like I’ve fucked up because this guy up close is the hottest man I have ever seen. But he just smiled at me and gave an enthusiastic “Sure!” A few minutes later of me sipping in silence and he says “I don’t mind talking, if you want to.” (Yeah I want to are you kidding me right now?) We talk for a bit and it turns out Mike (fake name) is 29, just finished his master’s degree in some kind of computer learning field (“I program computers to program computers”) and he’s living on his own for the first time. He apparently stops by the pub after work because he’s right around the corner, and he’s not used to the silence yet after living so long with a half dozen siblings.
We talked for a good two hours, about everything from dating (which he said he’s basically given up on) to hobbies and tastes, and we have a near total eclipse of a venn diagram on this stuff. I eventually sort of blurted out that I don’t know why he’d give up on dating, this is the closest thing I’ve had to a good date in forever. (Shooting my shot obliquely here lol.) He gets kind of an odd look on his face and says “Tell you what, I have to go to the bathroom, but when I come back I’ll ask you out for real.” Weird, but okay?
Then it all clicks, because he doesn’t get up to walk away, he just rolls. In his wheelchair. And I’m thinking “oh my God he wanted to give me a chance to back out of this without making it awkward how cute can this guy BE.” He grinned like crazy when he got back and saw I was still there, and I basically tripped over myself saying something to the effect of “So I’m free all weekend, what did you have in mind?”
Another hour later, we’ve got plans for Saturday, and he told me he has a neuromuscular disorder I can’t remember the name of (my degree isn’t in STEM lol) so his legs work, but the signals from his brain get misinterpreted so he doesn’t have the balance or coordination for walking or standing. The pub starts switching over to the youngerowdier crowd and he asks if I’d like to go back to his place for coffee to continue our conversation.
As you have probably long since realized, I did not get any coffee or conversation till the next morning and I have ZERO regrets. We’ve been dating since and I know it’s still early but I really feel like this might be the one.
Onward to yesterday afternoon, my friend Jess (remember Jess?) is in town, and we go out for coffee to catch up on things. I’m gushing about Mike, but when I get to how we met she just sort of got weird and edgy. I don’t remember any exact words but she essentially said that I must have a fetish for the handicapped since I broke my #1 rule and it’s the best physical relationship I’ve ever been in. Like it’s good for me because he uses a wheelchair, not because the guy puts in effort in bed??? She said I’ve “changed” as a person and left without even saying goodbye. 15 years of friendship and I’ve never seen her like that.
So here I am, asking the most objective people online (haha) if I’m an asshole or weird for being super attracted to a guy who uses a wheelchair and basically putting out immediately.
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Comments
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RefrigeratorHot3859
Firstly, you are allowed to change the rules that you made for yourself. Secondly, I do not get from anything you wrote that you have a “fetish” for the handicapped. Her comments are weird.
Sounds like you need to keep Mike and drop Jess. Good friends will be happy for you, and from what I can gather, that ain’t her.
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dubh_righ
She's got a weird fetish - for super hot guys who are kind, and well spoken, and fuck like a hero. What a weirdo. (sarcasm, in case it's not obvious)

OOP: Okay, yeah this made me laugh for real. Seriously, what a weeeeird fetish I have!

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brelywi
Hey that’s my fetish too! Here I was thinking I was the only one.
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ShottsSeastone
oh fuck that friend. i read this whole thing.

• you have 0 fetish.
• the guy is hot
• the guy is intelligent
• the guy lives on his own
• the guy has his shit together
• THE MAN GAVE YOU THE DOOR TO LEAVE
• Love comes in all shapes and sizes.

OOP: That shit floored me. He's so considerate in so many ways. His stories about his sibs are also hilarious, I can't wait to meet them. We're trying not to rush things just because it all seems so great, but they have a BBQ in May that he'd like me to come to and I am so there. He was raised around a lot of love and it shows.

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Update - 2 days later
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My first ever update! Yay! Uh, so if you were hoping for some terrible drama, I hate to break it to you that I don’t roll like that. No pun intended. So I do have an update on Jess and shit finally makes perfect sense. And I have a slightly NSFW but funny story about Mike, because this guy is just the best, y’all.
Okay, so first, I finally messaged Jess yesterday and said basically “I’m still hurt by what you said, but after 15 years of friendship I’d never forgive musif I didn’t at least ask why you snapped at me like that.” She replied immediately, “I’m so fucking sorry, I didn’t mean any of that, can we have a do over on lunch?” So I agreed cautiously and took a half day to meet with her today.
Turns out that those of you who said she was jealous, and that she might have something else going on, and especially the person who said something might be going on in HER relationship….. gold stars. She’s in town because she’s job hunting, because she’s moving back in with her parents for a while since her relationship ended. Apparently they have been having a ton of small problems adding up, but the biggest one? Sex. The guy she’s been with was apparently never great but it’s gotten to the point where he makes no effort at all for her to enjoy herself and then gets pissed when she isn’t in the mood.
She tried talking with him about it, making suggestions but he told her recently that it’s “emasculating” being given sex advice by a woman. The straw that broke the metaphorical camel’s back, however, was that her boyfriend has always had a thing for Asian women. She’s caucasian, but she does have long black hair. After weeks of fighting over their sex life, he suggested that they spice things up….by her dressing in a kimono and pretending to be Asian. She lost it on him and is absolutely disgusted by the racist fetishism and ended it right then.
So she had allllll of this bottled up and was hoping to talk to me and finally be able to put it down….. and I missed every hint that she had something big to discuss because I was gushing about Mike. So to her it felt like I was just twisting the knife by bragging about how great our sex was. She snapped, and somewhere between what I was saying and what she wanted to talk about some wires got crossed and she said something incredibly dumb.
She left without saying goodbye because she was mortified and ashamed as well as irrationally mad at me. Something to know about Jess, she’s an awful liar and she and I were the co-founders of our high school’s “foot-in-mouth” society, so I do believe her. I told her I forgive her and I’m sorry I didn’t realize she wanted to talk about something bothering her, and she said I was too stupidly nice and have nothing to apologize for, so I think we’ll be okay. For the time being I’m not ready for her and Mike to meet, because I don’t want to make things feel worse, and she agrees. But she’s really really happy for me. Hopefully this is just a funny story we can look back on someday.
So, on to how Mike almost killed me, lol. Last night we were talking about the reddit post and he gets this funny expression that I’m starting to recognize. And he goes “How do we know you don’t have a fetish if we haven’t at least tried it in the chair?” And I’m like “are you serious lol”. He said he’s never attempted it, because (cue tears) he’s never felt so comfortable with a partner before. Well.
His chair has what is essentially like a parking break thing. Or it should, it’s unfortunately broken and apparently getting them fixed is an expensive pain in the ass. He doesn’t use it that often so he hasn’t made it a priority. And there’s this thing called Newton’s third law, you know how every action has an equal and opposite reaction? As it happens, when you’re trying to, ah, get the motion of the ocean going, in a chair with wheels that aren’t locked, there’s a sort of counter motion that starts and fucks it all up. So we were going nowhere fast except for inching along the floor in his bedroom. And laughing at the silliness, which isn’t helping. Eventually he just stops and says “Maybe we can get some of those wooden block things they use to keep little planes from rolling away, like in Indiana Jones you know?”
I absolutely lost it. Like laughing so hard I’m in tears, he’s giggling half at the situation and half at my reaction, and everything just keeps setting me off again. FINALLY I get it under control, doing some deep breathing exercises and shit, and I look at him again. And he pulls the straightest face he can, and says, for the love of god, “Golly. This sure is uncomfortable.” Folks if I had asthma I would have fucking died right there. I laughed so hard I think I pulled a rib. Like wheezing and not even laughing anymore so much as weeping and making this awful “heeeeee” noise when I could catch my breath. While he’s laughing and rubbing my back and saying he’s sorry, he couldn’t resist.
So yeah, confirmed, no fetish here, and this magnificent bastard’s comedic timing might actually kill me.
I doubt I’ll update again, because there’s really nothing I can see needing to share given everything sort of worked out. And in the end, the real assholes were the….friends we made along the way? Idk. Thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post and for coming along with me on this absurd but brief drama in my life, lol.
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Comments
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Rustymarble
Obviously, Jess needs to have a twin with a mother-in-law invade her home with ummm....dog poo...and somehow there's a tree dropping leaves and and a 7 year old brat threw an ummm...apple? And then the cops came and everyone clapps!

OOP: And everyone's phones blow up! Genius, I'll finally go viral and get all those internet dollars I assume people are raking in, LOL
I probably will post an update on this account, but I don't necessarily want to bog down AITAH with my silly shit. I'm so excited and nervous. It's apparently a Mother's Day BBQ! which I didn't know because my parents and I are estranged and I never even seriously thought about having kids before meeting Mike. But apparently it's a lot of people and a lot of food and apparently everyone knows he's bringing me. Also, can I just say FUCK YES about his mom? They apparently have a huge one floor rancher and she just assumed we'd be sleeping together in his old room. Like none of that weird "you aren't married so you get separate rooms" shit. I already adore them and we haven't even met yet.

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Forward-Two3846
I think Mike updates are essential to AITAH 😆. I am so excited for you and I hope you have the time of your life.

OOP: Oh there is one coming. Oh my God his family, lol. I am exhausted already and it's only 1 here, and we have another day of this ahead! They are amazing and he is glowing like a fireball, the side of him when he's with family is so bright I need sunglasses to look at him.

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Update - 1 month later
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Hello again! I was going to post this on my own page but a few people mentioned that they think it’s nice to read on AITAH, so fuck it, here’s the “met Mikes family” update. And it's a doozy, or at least felt like it at the time for a girl who grew up with a small, dysfunctional family.
So first up, you know what people (at least me) don’t think about when dating a guy who’s always sitting? Height. I know he’s taller than me because we cuddle a lot, and he’s taller sitting on the couch, but I didn’t reeeeeeally get it. So we drive up Friday night after work (actually south and west, lol, but to my brain it’s always up) in his vehicle, which is modified to be driven entirely using his hands. Neat, right? He’s a really good driver too. One more green flag. We get to the house, and it’s…. It’s huge you guys, LOL like not a mansion, just kind of a sprawling one floor rancher. Real estate was wild back in the day.
Anyway we get out, and I meet his mom. I’d like to point out I am no slouch, I’m 5’-friggin-7. His mom is TOWERING over me. But she was the nicest lady ever. We go inside and I meet his dad (who funny enough is apparently the only short one in this family) and his youngest sister, who is living there with his one year old niece. She gets up to hug me and SHE IS ALSO REALLY TALL. It’s already a bit late then, so we eat and head to bed, I get to see his cute as shit room from when he was a teenager, and I casually ask “hey, so uh, I don’t know how this works and stuff, but how tall are you?” and Mike is all “I dunno, like a bit over 6’4? Been a while since I checked.” A BIT OVER 6’4. “So, is everyone in your family tall?” “…..kinda?”
We met the Nordic Basketball team he calls a family properly the next day. (Actually they’re Irish, but they’re blond and tall so it conveys the idea better.) The ONLY one of reasonable height, and still taller than me, was his oldest sister, lol.
They are also LOUD. Like not really shouting or anything usually, just, PRESENT. Mike is a lot different around them, but in the cutest way, like he just beams all the time and you can see how happy he is to be home. One of his brothers put him in a headlock and gave him a dang NOOGIE as a greeting, and got elbowed in the side for it, and all of them laughing. And his mom smacked one of his brothers with a rolled up magazine for putting his feet on the table. More laughing. Just… intimidating but in the happiest way imaginable. I’ll admit I was a little shut down for a bit, but Mike kept checking in with me to make sure I was okay, and they were all really nice, so I got into the spirit after a bit.
I mentioned this in another comment, but Mike has a special sports wheelchair he uses for, well, sports. And he and his siblings play basketball. And he is GOOD. Apart from just having a hell of an arm, he’s quick as hell. And this magnificent bastard that I love will absolutely, purposefully, GLEEFULLY run someone’s toes over. He AIMS for it. They all have this yank-back-the-foot maneuver that’s hysterical to watch.
So it was this crazy day of loud people playing and having a blast, nieces and nephews running around, and just noise. My ears are still ringing. The food was catered in advance because his mom “had seven babies, all I make on mother’s day is margaritas.” They also have a pool, it’s a bit chilly still but the pool is HEATED so we actually all got to swim, which was a lot of fun because I got to show off that I too am athletic…. I can do a backwards somersault off a diving board! Yeah. I’m a real catch lol. They at least pretended to be impressed.
We all stayed up late drinking and bitching that it was too overcast to see the aurora (boo) and I had the worst hangover I’ve had in a while on Sunday. We slept in a bit late, and then joined Mike’s family for the BBQ part of the BBQ weekend. His dad can GRILL, people. And he’s fast, food coming off the grill at lightning speed. I asked Mike about it and he laughed and said “there was seven of us to feed. Ever see a nest of baby birds? He had practice.” Which, fair enough.
I don’t have much experience with babies, but I got to hold his youngest niece (the one living at home with his sis until her husband gets back from deployment) and we had a light talk about kids in the future. I told him that I never put much thought into it but if they were going to grow up in a happy home like his and not how I grew up, I’m pretty sure I’d be open to having them with him someday. But later. I need him all to myself for a while first. He seemed really really happy about that, which makes ME feel all goofy and happy. I’m sappy.
We had to drive home Sunday night, but before we went his mom hugged me and said she’s NEVER seen her son like this, and thanked me for taking good care of her baby. And asked if we’d be back for the 4th of July or if we were doing something with my family. And I tried to be all “haaaa no we’ll be here if you don’t mind, I don’t see them much” and I think she caught on that there’s more to the story so she just hugged the shit out of me (vikings, all of them I swear) and told me she can’t wait to see me again.
My ears are still ringing from all the noise and chaos, but it was an absolute blast and I can’t wait to see them again in July. Also, pretty much sure Mike is the man I’m going to marry. I literally can’t think of a single reason why I would ever let him get away.
Anyway thanks for reading, hope you all had a lovely weekend, and those of you who got to see the aurora I’m happy for you but you suck, lol.
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Comments
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ERVetSurgeon
NTA. sounds like you have found a happy family to join. Good for you and good for Mike.

OOP: It's still pretty surreal. The other in laws that were there were all like that smiling hanging guy meme, "First time?" It was a great weekend.

Stormy8888
This story is so heart warming it belongs on BestofRedditorUpdates.
Congratulations, at some parts I felt like I was reading about the Roarke Family's dynamics in one of Nora Robert's JD Robb's Eve Dallas Novels, the whole Irish family vibes were just there. So lovely.

OOP: Ahahaha I don't think it's interesting enough for that, but I am glad people are enjoying it.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a throwaway because I have another active Reddit account and I'm not sure how real and personal I want to get on it!
My daughter got medically diagnosed with ADHD at age 7 and later got a school-based evaluation for ASD that found that she was eligible for an educational ASD diagnosis at age 8, almost 9, last month.
I have known something was different about her since she was about 5, but her teachers at school dismissed the possibility of any diagnosis until this school year. They just blew my concerns off.
A speech therapist who was working with her for articulation issues at school was the first to bring up the possibility of autism when she was 7, and I just didn't see it at the time. At her ADHD evaluation at a psychologist's office, I asked them to tell me if they saw any red flags for autism, and they didn't see any, either, in the few hours they spent with her. It wasn't until I brought up the speech therapist's concern to her 3rd grade teacher this school year that the school finally did a full evaluation that included lots of time spent with her and a multidisciplinary team and they diagnosed her autistic. It was very thorough and they even did the ADOS, so I'm pretty confident in their assessment.
So anyway, when the one speech therapist first brought up autism, we were trying to conceive a new baby. When daughter got diagnosed ADHD, I was already pregnant with her baby brother. Baby brother was 9 months old at the time of her ASD diagnosis and is now 10 months old.
Now that we know daughter is autistic, I can't stop obsessing about looking for signs of ASD in our son, and it's making me so miserable!
As you might have guessed from our daughter not getting diagnosed until almost age 9, she didn't really have the typical presentation. She's always had some sensory issues (stuff like picky eating, doesn't like hair brushing, doesn't like clipping her nails), but she met all of her developmental milestones as a young child and she is academically advanced. As her mom, I suspected she had ADHD for a long time because of impulsivity and hyperfocus, but her basic skills/milestones were good. I really didn't see a true delay in skills until around 2nd grade, when I started to see her interacting with other girls her age and realized that she was much more rigid, much more emotional, seemed more immature, and didn't notice a lot of social cues. Her delays are pretty much all social, including things like being flexible, compromising, picking up on social cues from others, etc. She's always been very outgoing and socially motivated, but she just struggles with actual social skills and how to make/keep friends now that social situations are more complex.
Now that we know she is autistic, I can't stop looking for signs in her baby brother and obsessing about it, even though I know he is too young to diagnose and it's too young to reliably tell. It's also so hard to remember what age my daughter did things and what all she did as an infant because of the big age gap.
I am also an occupational therapist (I wasn't one when my daughter was born, but went to grad school to become one while she was a toddlepreschooler), and knowing so many autistic kids at work just makes it worse because I just know so many signs to look out for!
So far, baby brother has amazing gross motor skills, much better than our daughter's were. He's 10 months old and was born 3 full weeks early and is already beginning to stand unsupported and is trying so hard to walk. He crawls extremely fast and is constantly pulling up, cruising, and trying to stand (can balance standing for a few seconds at a time) and is very strong with good balance. His fine motor skills seem on track. I was worried about his speech for a bit, but then realized that our daughter was actually a bit of an EARLY talker (which makes sense because she is gifted in verbal skills and reading). Baby looks at our lips closely and copies noises we make sometimes, and I think he can actually say a word. (Unfortunately, the word is "poop"!) He seems to be trying to say several words.
There are a couple of things I am worried about as far as his social skills, though. He can point at things in a book when we are reading, but I haven't really seen him point to anything far away (although he sometimes follows our point with his eyes if we point at something to show him). He can and does clap, but usually does it just whenever he wants to and doesn't really copy us if we try to get him to clap. He doesn't really reach his arms up to be picked up most of the time, although he does sometimes crawl over to us and pull up on our legs to be picked up. I have started trying to encourage him to hold his arms up by holding my arms down to him and waiting for him to reach up to me before I pick him up and then praising him, and that seems to be working a bit. He does respond to his name, but not always. Sometimes if he is focused on something else (especially if the TV is on or if he's playing with a really preferred toy), he doesn't look when we call him. He always smiles sweetly when he makes eye contact with us, and he is comforted by being held when he's upset or tired, but I do feel like he doesn't necessarily look at us all the time. He kind of plays on the floor or cruising around furniture independently a lot. He does love peekaboo and loves sitting and listening to books. He is only 10 months, and some of the skills I am worrying about might not develop until closer to 12 months.
He doesn't really seem to show sensory sensitivities, but I have noticed that he makes a whiny/moan noise a lot throughout the day (although that mostly seems to be when he is bored or discontented for some reason). He also seems to like rubbing his forehead on things sometimes, but not all the time, just occasionally. Anything else he does that could be a stim seems like typical baby playing stuff (like hitting 2 toys together, playing with beads on his activity center, etc).
I think what is making things so hard is the uncertainty. With our daughter at that age, I wasn't even really thinking about autism beyond just the little surveys they gave you at the doctor's office, which she "passed." We didn't really see the signs until she was already a pretty independent, verbal child.
I guess my fear with her brother is that he will end up having ASD with higher support needs than her and it will be really tough.
As someone who works with autistic kids, I know that most families with autism only have one autistic kid and their other kids are neurotypical, but I also know some families where they have multiple kids with special needs.
I guess my questions are...
1) Any life advice for how to stop obsessing? We will love our son no matter what, of course, and I think it is somewhat just anxiety on my part at this point (as I do have an anxiety disorder), but I'm having a hard time letting go of it.
2) Does anyone have an older child with ASD and a younger child/younger children without it? Or else what has your family situation been with your oldest child diagnosed ASD?
3) What signs did you see in your kids as a baby? It's funny, I didn't think our daughter had any signs, but I recently watched some videos of her as a baby and saw that when she was dancing in her playpen to music, she was stimming by shaking her head back and forth really fast! It was so cute. 😂 But makes me feel dumb that I didn't see it for what it was.
Sorry for the novel...