No reading lyrics. Only use your ears for this line.
Passport tatted thats your hub in ibiza”
I wonder who owns half of ibiza and has his kids running around with tusi. The infamous purple drug mix kashdoll claimed she trafficked for diddy whose son got in trouble for using it.
Looks like the same guy who owns half of Ibiza lived in Netherlands and had a swell bar mitzvah for his son where Drake attended! Mr. Nissan is very close with all the bad boy rappers? How?
Woah. The same weekend Drake was at the bar mitzvah in NL, he was spotter having dinner with his future baby mama. Rose Devine. So pretty and lots of explicit videos but NOT A PORNSTAR. Just hanging out as an expensive escort. I wonder if Mr.Nissan who has a court case for involvement of sex trafficking introduced them to each other. Mr. Nissan had to run to Ibiza but had time to own Drakes security company with Chubs and maybe Baka?
This is all cool and dandy but where the fuck is Big Dave the Driver, why is he so close with the entire Nissan family, and why is he associated with tusi and the kids love him. All i can think is that if anyone would crack its him and hes boutta dissapear faster than you can find him.
Whats really going on here?

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/cherry_muffin_no7
Originally posted to AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC
WIBTA if I refuse to have intimacy with my husband?
Thanks to u/queenlegolas and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability
Trigger Warnings: infidelity, car accident, body injuries, mentions of death of loved one, manipulation
Original Post: May 25, 2024
I won't sugarcoat any words here or make the situation in my favour. I need a very non biased opinion.
Around Mid August of 2019, Me (28F) and My husband (35M) tied a knot between us. He have two kids from his previous marriage. He and his ex wife are co-parenting their kids. I really love the kids.
One of the major factors why I got married with him was kids. I have reasons for that. My father died when I was 15. My mom wasn't so highly educated, so with that less education qualification, she couldn't provide for me and my other 3 younger brothers all alone. So I started to do part time jobs. I babysat, cleaned people's yard, took out pet's for walk, did assignments of my classmates etc. I earned really little amount of money with that but it helped my family slightest. When I was 17, I took a food delivery job.
One night, around 10-11 I was dropping food at the other side of city. A drunk driver hit my cycle and I went into a terrible accident. The driver needed to pay a large fine for that since my condition was very critical. I had alot internal bleeding and damage. So because of that accident, my doctor confirmed that in future the chances of me getting pregnant is very less, it will be a miracle for me to have my own kid. I was at the lowest part of my life because of that accident. I couldn't go out or do my work on my own. My family took care of me. It took me around 8 months to get well.
At first I didn't mind having a childless life but when I started to notice my friends are having family, I realised the beauty of motherhood. So I started dating guys with kids. My husband was my second bf. We tied knot after we dated for 10 months. When I got married his son was 11 and his daughter was 7. I got along with them well. It took them few months before they started to call me mama by their own. I left my job to be the stay at home mom for them, honestly I really adore them. I have a good relationship with their bio mom too.
After COVID, we went to Belgium for our 2nd anniversary on 2021. The trip was all good and I remember feeling so loved. The day before we were supposed to come back in our home, he proposed the idea of opening our marriage. If I say I was hurt it'll be a understatement. I couldn't look in his eyes without feeling hollow and sorrow. I said no multiple times after coming back from the trip but he kept persisting.
After couple of weeks I gave up and agreed. He set the terms. I don't remember most of it but few of his terms was never share this information with others, we can't date our exes or friends, no emotional attachment with our partners and always use protection.
In his words, he still loves me. He only opened the marriage because he wanted to gain experience and use it on our marriage. I remember going to sleep all crying and hurt. I gave up on my job to take care of him and the kids yet he yearned for another woman. We became distant. He noticed that and tried to initiate intimacy with me but I don't feel anything at all. I just lay there until he is done. I also distanced myself from him.
The idea of him having intimacy with other woman while being in a marriage with me disgusted me. I couldn't look at him at the same way I used to. We always have our location on so I could see where he is going. Those used to hurt me alot untill I became completely numb at this point. Now I don't see him as my husband but someone I tied knots with to be a mother.
Last year, I told him I wanna start work again. He got defensive kinda? He tried to use alot reasons to show why can't I work. When he saw all of his tricks going downhill he pulled the kids in the mess. He knew I have soft spots for his kids. I didn't back down that time. He gave me cold shoulder and went on trip with one of his gf. I applied to be a teacher at my brother's high school. He is the youngest of my all siblings and a sophomore. I am teaching chemistry in his school. My husband was mad at me for having a job for few months but he gave up. I started to give myself alot times.
Since the kids have extra curriculum activities they always don't stay at home. I have a friend circle from high school. I hung out with them every two weeks. I met a guy in my workplace. He is 29 and have three kids with his late wife. One day I ranted about my whole situation. He showed interest in me after that. He is a nice guy. I went on few dates with him. Nothing physical happened between us. I think I am relying on him for mental support since he is very supportive of me. I haven't felt something like that for a long time in my life.
Now few days ago, I went to salon and cut my hair short into shoulder length. My husband complimented me multiple times that day. The kids went to their grandparent's house for summer vacation. During night, he tried to initiate intimacy. Well I straight up said no for the first time. I think he got taken aback? He had mix of few expressions that I can't put a finger on. He started to use the husband card on me and I put my foot down to say no.
We had a huge argument and he left. I saw his location, he went to one of his girlfriend's place. He didn't contacted me for 2 days now. Now I am stuck between two thoughts. Even if I don't feel anything towards him he is still my husband. I can't share this with anyone so I need advice on this.
Relevant Comments
RndmIntrntStranger: INFO: Is having children really worth a husband who demanded an open marriage and did not want you to have financial independence?

OOP: He wasn't like that from the early days. After COVID I noticed some changes but didn't pay any attention on that. That time all I wanted was to have a child to raise like my own. Before him I dated another guy with a kid, he was nice but he had alot issues. Plus I resigned from my previous workplace with my own thoughts. I really wanted to devote myself in the kid's life. It was a mistake but now I have a job which pays me double amount than before. I still love the kids, they are all I could ask in a kid.

Significant-Dot-2260: Girl, the marriage was over when he proposed an open marriage. Just divorce, love yourself more. A man who truly loves his life doesn't go outside the marriage for anything. Your husband just wants a stable life at home and someone to watch his kids when they're there, and all his fun with another woman. He's selfish, get some therapy, divorce, and live your life, and once you heal yourself, you'll be blessed with a man who truly loves only you. Don't waste anymore time and tears on that man
 
Update: May 26, 2024 (next day)
Last night I made a post about my current situation of my marriage and asked for a non-biased view. There almost 300 people who responded and gave me advice. I couldn't respond all of that since I was overwhelmed with alot emotions. There is few things I want to clarify.
Firstly, I met my husband after my graduation when I was looking for a job. I made things official with him after I had the job. We dated for 10 months before getting married.
Secondly, His ex wife and he were childhood sweetheart who married each other when they were in college. After the birth of their second child, they realised they don't have the same bond so they got divorced and have 50/50 custody.
Thirdly, few people in my previous post asked me to make things official with my coworker. I would do that when I am ready. Currently my mental health isn't in the best position. I am working on it. Plus I can't have intimacy with anyone whom I barely know. We've been coworkers about almost a year but still I am not ready to make things all good.
Lastly, those who are saying I am using sex as a punishment, it's quite opposite. He barely comes home. He is always out with the kids or his girlfriends. I would love to add he doesn't have one but three girlfriend and yes all of them are aware of my existence.
Now to the update.
Last night I made a post about the current situation of my marriage with my husband. Asking if i would be the AH if I refuse to have intimacy. He haven't came back in last three days or contacted me. The kids talks with me daily. I had few conversation with their bio mom too (they are over her parent's place).
Honestly I thought he will get over it or won't bother me for a long time, but I was wrong as hell. During lunch, my mom came over to visit me. she asked if everything was okay between me and my husband. I didn't lie this time and straight up said no. We had a long conversation about my marriage and I was relieved after that. It felt so good after sharing everything with her. I am not ashamed to admit I cried like a kid in her arms while explaining everything. She stayed with me entire day. She called one of my younger brother (26) and told him everything. If I say he was mad it'll be an understatement. He asked why the hell I suffered that much and scolded me for couple of minutes. With the help of my mom and brother I packed my stuffs. I didn't leave with any of the stuffs he got me.
Most likely we will get a divorce soon. I texted a short message in his number, thanking him for being my husband and I won't be continuing the marriage anymore along with some personal stuffs between us. With the help of my friend and family currently I am finding a lawyer. I don't know how long it'll take me to finally get out of the marriage. I left the house around evening and sent the sms around 7. After that I muted his number.
I also told his ex wife about this and needless to say she was as much shocked as everyone. Because he wasn't like that. She assured me that even after divorce she will let me see the kids. I am really grateful for that part. Divorcing him will be easy since we always had separate accounts. I have little savings.
Before I get on my own feet properly I will be staying with my mom in our old house. I turned off my location before leaving his house but it won't be long untill he figures out where am I. He is currently messaging me but I am not strong enough to open them and read them so I haven't responded or read his sms
Relevant Comments
chimera4n: Well done! If he gets upset, just remind him that he was the one who ruined the marriage by cheating.
I say cheating, because an open marriage only works if both partners are willing, a one sided open marriage is just cheating.
Bitter-Picture5394: Good for you. You deserve a life where you are respected and your feelings validated. You will find true happiness as long as you keep advocating for yourself.
 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Ever since I was young my dad has made me vastly uncomfortable in many ways. Pretty much every day for as long as I could remember he would call me into his room to lay down and watch movies with him after my mom went to work, which I didn't mind of course, but if i went in there, more often than not he would ask me to give him massages and kisses. For the few times that I had said "no" his reaction would be to get incredibly angry and take something of mine, usually calling me a "spoiled brat" in the process. I've always thought that he had the right to do this because I knew I was spoiled and the things he took were technically his anyway. And if I did agree to go in there with him he would hug me close to him in bed and rub his hand over my butt. This was something that I had always been uncomfortable with and I had told him that. He told me that it was normal, that I was the one making it weird by bringing that up, and that he just found it cute. I told my mom about the interaction and she agreed with him saying that "it is normal, he has always done that." Which, again, is true. I don't remember a time when I was younger when he didnt do all of this, and he did stop touching me there when I moved into my early teens. Even just the thought of anyone touching me there makes me sick which i guess might be overdramatic.
In my early teen years, my father started to make (or i started to notice) weird comments about me and my body. One example of this would be the time that he walked into my room, catching me trying to get dressed. Just before he opened the door I told him not to come in and when he did, accident or not, he paused, looked me up and down, and said "Wow, she looks like she's growing a big pair of knockers just like her mama." He wouldn't close the door until i told him to get out a few times after hiding myself. Again, when I told my mom about this, to her it was just a joke and he was "just being funny." And as always I felt different, but I believed her because "why else would he do that?"
Since that age to now he touches grabs my mom innapropriately while staring at me with direct eye contact over her shoulder; he will do this for minutes on end, just staring at me. Yet again, told my mom about this and again, she dosent believe me. This is what he has being doing more and more of everyday and it just irks me for some reason. I call him out on it everytime now and he always says something like "what are you even talking about?" Or "Shouldn't you be happy me and your mom are still this in love with eachother?" She will laugh along with him and make me feel crazy. He did this a couple times just today with a few comments. Me and my mom borrowed his truck today where he had some air freshener hung up that said something corny, my mom threw it out at him calling it stupid, he pressed it against his face and smelled it and told me "it smells just like your mommy's panties." He also tells me when he's going to have sex with my mom, or that he is going to impregnate her to make a new daughter.
I've heard the term covert incest used online and I dont know if its applicable to my situation. I should also say that my father is a very angry person and will often break things or hurt people while having his adult temper tantrums after not getting his way. I am much like him in this aspect in the way that I easily get angry in the situations I mentioned before, but I also take it out on myself like plucking out hair. I also used to punch myself in the head or bang my head against the wall, but i still have trouble not pulling out hair when I get stressed and this was the last thing i ever opened up to my mom about years ago because she told my dad and he would use it against me whenever he was angry. Since I can't trust my mom to turn to, the next person I think of is my older brother. He has asked me before if my father has ever touched me innapropriately and i told him "no" because I really don't understand if he has or not. I dont want to tell him unless I actually get what is even going on and even then he deals with a lot himself and I dont just want to be another problem for him, I guess.
Sorry if this turned into a vent or if i didnt give enough examples, i have just been really confused on this for a long time.

This is a long one, so buckle up! My ex husband and I were together for 9 years (4, almost 5 married). While we were dating I helped him out of homelessness, taught him how to drive, connected to people that got him his current job, and helped him get his first car… the first time I caught him should’ve been the last 🤡 I caught him sexting a girl the night he proposed, but I stayed. We ended up getting married (I later found out he had sex with a mutual friend that he told the wedding had been canceled 2 nights before as a “last hoorah” type deal… even though it wasn’t) when I was 22. A few months later I caught him sexting again! This time I had to go on an antidepressant/anxiety cocktail in order to not drive myself into paranoia insanity (this unfortunately completely deleted my sex drive).
A few years went by and we bought a house and had two cats and a dog. I wanted kids but he convinced me that we were better off without any (Found out later he told his friends it was because I was “too fat”). One day he started telling me about a coworker and how cool she was and he thought we’d get along great! I agreed to meet her and she began coming over to our house all the time to hang out and smoke. Her and I would send memes to each other, laugh, and I even comforted her while she was crying when her fiancé broke up with her (for catching her and my ex having sex on their bed). She stayed at our house for 3 days while he moved his stuff out of their apartment and my ex kept stalling about telling me why they broke up randomly 🚩🚩🚩 the third and final day I soecifically remember thinking, “they had sex and that’s why they broke up” and for a moment, I felt relief… well, spoiler, I was right. I kicked him out and only saw him one other time since then. The girl I considered a good friend began making fun of me on Facebook that I was “too stupid to realize they were sleeping together” or it was “all part of the plan.” My mama encouraged me to take the high road and not give them the time of day, “karmas a bitch, and they’ll get there’s.” Boy, she didn’t even know!!**
The first few months separated were rough financially!! I had decided to put myself first and weaned off of the meds except for @ddera11 and BC (sex drive back!! 🙌🏻), went back to school for a BS in Mechanical Engineering (I’m currently a junior 🎉) and wasn’t gonna get rid of my house. I got maybe 2-3 hours of sleep that first year from working OT to pay bills and keep up with school work… later that year I began to fall in love with a friend that I’d had for a few years. He was there for me the whole time as a friend and never pushed for anything. Even the idea of dating made us both nervous since we had both been cheated on but we took the chance and I honestly thought this kind of love was only in movies! I’ve never felt more appreciated, validated or secure in my life! He always jokes about how we’re gonna be as parents when I graduate and we decide to have kids ❤️ Like, we been together for over a year now and he’ll hand me his phone and tell me to pick what I want from DoorDash while he goes to take a 💩… like what???? You sure???? But fr, he’s so kind and loving 🥰 we’ll be sweating balls and still wake up in each other’s arms ❤️ did I mention the sex is ✨amazing and frequent✨?! 😂
Looking back, I see everything coming out as a blessing. Don’t get me wrong, cheating is an awful thing and it took me a while to heal. But I honestly don’t think I would have had the strength to be done with him otherwise. My dreams were always to have somebody who loved as hard as I do, have a couple of rugrats, and be an engineer, now they’re finally coming true ❤️
**Oh, I bet you’re wondering what I meant by my mom not knowing how karma was a bitch… well, my boyfriend’s best friend is my ex’s BIL (he literally can’t stand him!) and one of my partners at work. Sometimes he’ll tell me the drama going on at the time, not cause I care but more like it’s entertaining. Like Keeping Up With The Kardashians 😂 but since we split; he bought a girl’s nudes on OF that they know in real life (he passed it off as “I didn’t buy them, she just sent them to me.” And even though the OF girl showed her the receipts she believed him), she faked a pregnancy for 7 months, and they’re currently in the process of getting evicted from their second apartment 🤣🤣🤣 ahhh, sucks to suck! 🖕🏻

Dear alexei I’m sorry the tsar is your father, let me be honest
It take a man to be a man, your dad is not responsive
I look at him and wish the khan would’ve wore a condom
I'm sorry that you gotta grow up and then stand behind him
Life is hard, I know, history is always gon' beat it’s tune
Sometimes our parents make mistakes that affect us until we grown
And you're a good kid that need good leadership Let me be your mentor since your daddy don't teach you shit
Never exploit your fellow man son
Either you join the movement or meet the dustbin son
Never fall into the semi feudal business, that's bad ideology
Please remember, you could be a bitch even if you got bitches
Never hide your aims, whether bourg or prol, you your own man
Even if it don't benefit your self, do some push-ups, get some discipline
Don't suppress people like your daddy did, fuck what Tzarism did
Don't pay to play with them Cossack’s get a gym membership
Understand, no throwin' bombs and hidin' hands, that's adventurism
Don't be ashamed 'bout who you with, that's bourgeoisie family shit
Don't have a kid to make an heir to rule again, be sure Five percent will exploit, but 95 are prols
Be different than your father, your strength come from within
Lotta stars that progressive but your daddy ain't one of them And you nothing like him, you'll carry yourself comrade
Can't understand me right now? Just play this when you 18
Dear, Maria Your son got some habits, I hope you don't undermine them
Especially with all the prols that's hurt inside this climate
You a woman, so you know how it feels to be alienated
You complicit, hopin' the world can stay the same and plebs stay blinded
Dear Alexander you gave birth to a master manipulator
Even using you to prove who he is, is a huge favor I think you should be killed as well, and your father and his father, and his father
I'm blaming you for all his religious fixations
Psychopath intuition, the man that like to play victim
You raised a horrible fucking person, the nerve of you, Alexander
Maria, sit down, what I'm about to say is heavy, now listen
Mm-mm, your son's a sick man with sick thoughts, I think tyrants like him should die
Him and Weinstein should get fucked up in a cell for the rest they life
He hates prols, peasants, terrorizes'em with iron boot and secret police
Grew facial hair because he understood bein' a beard just fit him better
He got sex offenders on Okhrana that he keep on a monthly allowance
A child should never be compromised and he keepin' his kids around them
And we gotta raise our children knowin' there's predators like him lurkin'
Fuck a rap battle, he should die so all of these people can live with a purpose
I been in this industry 28 years, I'ma tell y'all one lil' secret
It's some weird shit goin' on and some of these bourgeois be here to police it
They be streamlinin' victims all inside of they home and callin' 'em tender
Then pass reform on themselves to further push their agendas
To any worker that be loyal to his state, know that you're playin' your own class
Or better, you're sellin' your kids to the weirdos, not the good ones
Mr. Karl Marx said, "Get you the truth, " so I'ma get mines
Winter Palace 'bout to get raided, too, it's only a matter of time
Ayy, Workers, keep the family away, hey, Prols, keep the family away
To anybody that embody with love for they kids, keep the family away
They lookin' at you too if you standin' by him, keep the family away
I'm lookin' to shoot through any tyrant that lives, keep the family safe
Dear, Anastasia I'm sorry that your father not active inside your world
He don't commit to much but his rule, yeah, that's for sure
He a narcissist, misogynist, livin' inside his laws Try’n destroy families rather than takin' care of his own
Should be teachin' you timetables or watchin' operas with you
Or at your sixteenth birthday singin' poems with you
Instead, he at the front gettin' prols killed and downing' vodka, examples that you don't deserve
I wanna tell you that you're loved, you're brave, you're kind
You got a gift to change the world, and could change your father's mind
'Cause our children is the future, but he lives inside confusion
Money's always been illusion, but that's the life he's used to
His father prolly didn't claim him neither History do repeats itself, first as a tragedy then as a farce
But I would like to say it's not your fault that he's killing' other kids
Give him grace, this the reason I wrote “What is to be Done” So our babies like you can cope later
Give you some confidence to go through somethin', it's hope later
I never wanna hear you chase a buck 'cause his failed behavior
Sittin' in the factory with capitalists for validation You need to know that class should be abolished the state ended
I'll tell you who your father is, just play this song when it rains
Yes, he's a, exploiter, prol killer, mega tyrant, right And a fuckin' deadbeat that should never say "more life"
Meet the Grahams
Dear, Nicholas I know you probably thinkin' I wanted to crash your party
But truthfully, It’s the forces of history, that’s moving my body
This supposed to be a good development within the game
But you fucked up the moment you resisted the real movements aims.
Why you had to stoop so low to oppress some decent people?
Guess intelligence is lost when the theory doesn't reach you
And I like to understand 'cause your house was never a home
49, but you showin' up as a seven-year-old You got gamblin' problems, drinkin' problems, pill-poppin' and spendin' problems
Bad with money, cuckhold
Solicitin' capital problems, therapy's a lovely start But I suggest some ayahuasca, strip the ego from the bottom
I try to empathize with you 'cause I know that you ain't been through nothin'
Crave entitlement, but wanna be liked so bad that it's puzzlin'
No dominance, let's recap moments when you didn't fit in
No secret handshakes with your friend No cultural cachet to binge, just disrespectin' your mother
Identity's on the fence, don't know which family will love ya
The skin that you livin' in is compromised in personas
Can't channel your masculine even when standin' next to a woman
You an autocrat, you gon' suppress the workers and peasants, ain't ya?
You embarrassed of 'em, that's not right, that ain't how mama raised us
Take that mask off, I wanna see what's under that incompetence
Why believe you? You never gave us nothin' to believe in
'Cause you lied about religious views, you lied about the war effort
You lied about your accent and your past tense, all is perjury
You lied about the duma and reforms, you lied about your government
They all pussy, you lied on 'em, I know they all got you in 'em
You lied about your son, you lied about your daughter, huh
You lied to them other kids that's out there hopin' their dads come home
You lied about the only comrade that can offer you some help
Fuck a rap battle, this a long life battle with yourself

To all guys and girls reading this and to the super Mom of 5 who lives near Selden who I once knew and saw intimately and dated for over a year. First out of respect, I wish your health and your wellbeing is good and all the best for your kids.
I mean this letter in whole heart, respect and honest of how I felt and I am man who admits when im wrong and I feel Im Right about all of this. I came across a nice facebook post real, where it showed a nice Love scene from the movie “The notebook. by angel alure. (Look it up)
Yeah, you are probably thinking im crazy for maybe writing about a woman I once knew. To the woman I once knew:
That fact is, I’m crazy about being in love with you.- I do miss you and im willing to “maybe” sit down with you , maybe and I consider it again. But not yet. your friend T******* was right when I saw her in april 2024 on a food delivery run, that “the heart wants what the heart wants”. After I surprisingly I delivered food for her. I guess that isn’t a sign right too? That we are not mean to be together and then hitting up your friend N**** in april 2024 who didn’t want to date me because she was friend with you. – Yeah both signs in my eyes that maybe we are meant to be together but I know you don’t believe in Love signs. – I do!
I wanted to let you know that our ultimate missed connection was not forgotten. This is the ultimate 21 year “missed connection”. I give you this story and a nice “song story” after this missed connection story to a woman I once knew and the “song story” is a song she once loved and grew up loving and she probably still does like the song below. I wanted to let you know from the facebook reel and the notebook that "This love does exist for a season or a year with a woman i once knew. I’m keeping her name private out of respect for me and her.
I dated a woman and was with her for off/on a year. Then she went back to her ex for the 4th time , in between me, and current fiancé per her FB post from 2017 lol ( i guess he was the whole time) like and you cheated on him. Like every girl i know and here does and plays commitment games with a guy. – Yeah I saw that old post you still make public for me and people to see , and way to rub it in to a guy who maybe still loves you.
For you and for everyone watch out for a woman like this. Sometimes, they use a guy to fill a void from the guy they hate, so she said, or the home life they are depressed from, used my good qualities for months to a year,, then go back to the guy she loved and has 3 kids with in the first place (and two others with a former exbf) after one little argument we had over edibles and nothing and trying to see you! She told me she loved me and then went to him "cause they worked it out for the kids" BS!.
The love existed for a season but when the love stress gets tough, women aren’t mature enough to find a solution to make it work! You say, you thought I was mentally ill or mentally retarted to not know your social boundaries, I knew your social boundaries and sometimes, I just didn’t care and maybe I would have respect you more if your life wasn’t an anxiety attack on me. I was sure as hell stable and good when we were dating from November to april 2023- oh well., - oh well , It didnt work out but we still have the future and its never too late to change :) She last told me she isn't interested in me anymore back in February 2024 after "calling me by mistake " according to her and just dialed me after i said goodbye to her in January 2024 to start a new chapter without you!. - I call bullshit and I’m right because according to dating experts, girls "will say they call a ex by mistake" to play games and see my reaction.
– Well this isn’t a game, it was true love and we messed up at it due to you not fighting for me. I guess everyone online that i read about is wrong and you are right? Pssh You just lied to me on how you really feel and you didn’t want the hard road and the transition to being with me over one argument we had back in april 2023 and December 2023. Ohh my god. Big deal. Guess what? people who love each other fight! and then they work it out! Good, I feel so much better now and not dealing with your toxic moments anymore.
By the way,- When we dated, even in June to august, then November to December 23rd 2024 while you were with your BF M***, I wasn’t mentally crazy was i? NOPE, Was i a mentally ill? NOPE i was not and you adored me when we dated. I was stable. - Maybe If you didn’t have your ex around, i wouldn’t have to feel anxious. Maybe I would not have texted you a lot and I would have felt comfortable dating you with him not around and I would have given you the space that you and I like. Yes, I liked my space too- Maybe if you didn’t hide me from your kids, If would have been special and stable for me to treated you stable. - Your actions created my instability and your home life affected both of us.
Simple You secreted dated me and him at the same time! - I’m not stupid! You made me crazy with your unstable life and not listening to my advice. I don’t control anyone but we could have been special and developed a possible long term relationship, leading to marriage. - I felt it and sorry you didn’t! You are just a user and woman who used men for your desperate time, and yes, I would have helped you watched your kids, in time, and changed my life for you and for the better. You just used me to get over your negative home life since Nov 2022 and lost the best guy that would love you until the end of time and your death, - I hope you are happy , Have fun being mentally happy with your award winning fiancé who you cheated on. Yup! (you know who you are) Life goes on! ""
To any woman that was with me and wants to be with me, in the future, they will get go with me to my 5 star Miami beach hotel getaway, like I did in march and share my beautiful 5 star new bathroom I have - Yup, I improved myself and will be better to improve my life.
Love will maybe exist one day again for me with a stable woman who knows how to commit to dating and not being shady! - I am so happy in my life , in at peace and back to being a cool confident person like I was in 2022.
So cheers to you and Im happy i let you go and so did you but only because i chose to walk away originally, - Don’t forget it, it was my idea to let you be in Janaury 2024 because of you choosing him over me. I knew it then and every time you left me. It was because of him and your kids driving you nuts.
– Admit it! I did everything I could as a good possible boyfriend to you. I cherished our memories but now I cherish my peace and maybe I will consider and be open to sitting down and having a positive conversation down the road with you when you are no longer with your ex or current boyfriend, whatever you two are, and no longer LIVING with him for good, not just sharing his bed for a month, and he moves back in like you did in NovembeDecember 2023.
Yeah I knew you were going to let him move back in after not allowing me over on weekends you had the apt to yourself and telling me you told him, Keep your bed here. Doesn’t matter right?. - If not, Im happy with or without you . Im not saying i will or will not ever date you and be with you again, but i "might" be down to having a nice catch up conversation with you one day when more times passes and maybe we both want that and maybe when I run into you again in life. Who knows? Small world as I connect with your two friends post breakup. - . Just "maybe" - like you always said to me and mess with my mind - Just one day....If not and .If we dont meet again for a open conversation IN PERSON like real adults doo. Not over the phone or social media., oh well, I guess you will never know what our love "could have been" and what i am and what i do on the side (That i never told you about) that would make you or any woman feel good about me and being with a husband who helps people and certain individuals you love, all over the country.
Too bad, I guess we will never know and you never got to see and date me in a healthy way, without your ex and fiancé "again" around you in your home. - Good luck until then or see you in the next life. Happy being happy with or without you! - At the end of the day, I truly do miss you and our time together but i dont miss our toxic times and it could have been positive if you wanted it to be. You wanted him over me, simple.
Admit and tell the truth. Honesty is the best policy as my grandma used to say, Just like your grandma used to tell you, "If someone doesn’t want you in your life, Leave them the F alone" – Well I did leave you alone 4 times and I was a fool in love with you and you came back to me as well. Four times over. Did you tell your dad and family you did continuing seeing me? Who cares what other people think and I only cared about seeing you and that’s it and trying to be with you. You just cared about how me or anyone helps our your situation because you were desperate and its all About you right??? . What do you expect me to do? With a woman I’ve known since 2002.
I guess you didn’t want your childhood crush and adult crush like I did.
You say, you cant force love? Well what do you call meeting you in 2002 at our legendary casino hotel?? What do you call talking to you over social media for decades? What do you call running into you again in 2012 at subway?
And chatting again on POF in 2014/2015 , which you never got back to me. yeah I remember “Ghost” - What do you call meeting you and reconnecting with you in 2017 at the very place we met in 2002? – what do you call re-connecting on tinder? Then we dated in 2022/2023 – Well I call it fate, you call it, taking advantage of a guy who YOU know always like you. You took advantage of my feelings. When we dated off and on - <- That why I hated you and miss you and was pissed at you in February 2024. – You used my feelings and energy to get back at your live in Ex boyfriend or finance now.
– Yeah, I still see your old post from 2017, I guess you always did love him while we dated. & you cheated on him from November to April 2023, June, July August 2023, Nov/Dec 2023. - Shame on you and you lied right to my freaking face. That you said “I hate him and I will never go back to my EX M*** in 2023 & end of 2022 - No, I cant get over you sometimes, because the heart wants, what the hearts wants.
Most of the time im good, but to be honest, whenever our songs come on, I have to let them turn off or I shed a tear and cry at work thinking of us. - However, I choose not to see you while you live with him and be with a unstable boyfriend and not go through what we went through again.
I choose my peace over us being toxic again. – IF you want it again, It could happen but it has to be healthy like IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SINCE NOV. 2022 AND IN FEBRUARY 2023 WHEN HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MOVE OUT? Did he really even move out by the way? Or was that another lie?
Now,. You said to me earlier this year, you don’t want to see me anymore, I call bullshit and I say you were confused. You wanted me in your life when you were with me, I just think you are confused and lost that loving feeling from you two exs or negative boyfriend. Im sorry you felt that way about me and you really lost out on a good and confident man! - Ohh well...and now I begin the process of becoming more confident and greater at loving myself and someone else then I ever did before! Have fun watching from a distance.
–P.S. I’m glad I didn’t date your so called friend N******A who you went to mall with in March. People like her need to give a guy like me a chance. Glad I avoided that train wreck and her thinking she is too good enough to date me because she is friends with you. – Who gives a fuck? Every girl and yes, I didn’t care about dating her either way, Tell her to stop showing her boobs if she wants a decent guy to respect her wishes lol. JK. See every girl has excuses to let love get in the way. .
Be well to you "super mama" Bella".. To give a happy ending, because I know you like one like a happy meal at McDonalds, and If you read this and got this far, I will now let you read a “song story” I wrote and tell you about a song that a woman I once knew grew up loving this song.
I will tell you a story about a little boy liking a girl he grew up with and fell in love with while he seen and was in love with her& did anything to just see her but with a twist……
.The song lyrics goes like this and maybe you know the song, not sure….but here goes…
“Once, I was seven years old, my mama told me "Go make yourself some friends, or you'll be lonely"
Once I was a seven years old and I started to learn about girls and wanted to make some friends.
“Once, I was 11 years old, my daddy told me "Go get yourself a wife, or you'll be lonely"
I was always dreamed when I was 11 years old of being and going down a wedding aisle with a beautiful brown skin girl and her kids but I couldn’t see her face after watching a lot of movies and love shows. – foundation of my love life 
Once I was 17 years old, and I met a beautiful brown skin Panamanian at a hotel party with friends who looked like Pocahontas and had the most beautiful face I have ever seen. – Ever! I wanted her like a hungry kid wanted McDonalds.
Once I was 18 years old and I heard she moved away from me. I asked a girl she grew up with me for her phone number but she didn’t give it to me or did not have it.I was sad and didn’t know how to contact her and wanted to be with her and going out on a date with her. I thought maybe we could be friends and maybe be in a relationship. I wanted love at that time and I loved her beautiful 1000 years and million dollar smile. – That move of her, was the start of the 21 year missed connection “Once, I was 20 years old, my story got told Before the morning sun, when life was lonely”
Once I was 20 years old & 21 years old and I thought about her in college and decided to write her on myspace or facebook. Don’t remember if she replied but I knew I wanted to see her millon dollar Panamanian smile. I missed seeing her in my college year. We chatted for years on social media or chatted through the years until my mid 20s and when I was 27 years old, Fated happen and we met again in October 2012
Once I was 27 years old and I met the beautiful brown skin Panamanian mom of two in front of and inside Medford subway sandwich restaurant, the same day I got out of the hospital in October 2012. I looked at her in surprise. She looked at me too but I don’t think she recognized me as she had her little girl and young son with her. I was too afraid to talk to her as I was feeling down that day. I watched her walk away from my life at that point and didn’t say a word. It just wasn’t met to be another “missed connection”
Once I was 29/30 years old and in 2015, I messaged her on a dating website called POF and I didn’t hear back from her for whatever reason, another internet “missed connection” we chatted for another 5 years until 2017.
“Soon, we'll be 30 years old, our songs have been sold We've traveled around the world, and we're still roaming Soon, we'll be 30 years old. Im still learning about life, my woman [I wanted a woman like her to bring] children for me [in marriage] So I can sing them all my songs, and I can tell them stories Most of my boys are with me, some are still out seeking glory And some I had to leave behind, my brother, I'm still sorry”
Once I was 32 years old and I met her again as a casino hotel where I shared a bed with her back in 2002. I had a talk with her and her boyfriend was somewhere there. She didn’t tell me that until after. I enjoyed reconnected and talking to her with her two woman friends, as she played the slots. – I certainly wanted her and I think she liked me then but didn’t wanted to say anything. We talked and then I left. We chatted all through the next 6 years until I met her again when I was 37 years old. – another missed connection or was it?
Once I was 37 years old, and I found out she “was single” through tinder. We dated in “sweet november 2022” and until april 2023. We broke up 2 times and then reconnected in July 2023 and then again in Sweet November 2023. I was so happy being with her off and on 4 times until the last day I saw her was in December 23rd 2024 to complete my Christmas wish. We also spend the days leading up to holidays together and I was so happy and in love with her.
Once I was 38 years old . I was unsure about her as I felt she used my feelings and she went back to her 4 times after she criticized my imperfections and made any excuse to just use my feelings since November 2022. I showed her good intent and her intent was to take advantage of me. throughout 2023, I was in love and hated our toxic times because of her home situation and her ex..
Once I was 38 years old and the beautiful brown skin woman saw me at night and slept over my place in November 2023 and December 2023. We had beautiful moments together and when we there for each other when times got tough for both of us. She saw me during the day when I was out of work and needed someone to talk to. I loved her as a friend , a possible dating girlfriend, a lover, a future girlfriend and maybe wife, but I think all she saw me was someone to make love to and use me for love and physical sex and love when it was convenient for her and she wasn’t getting it at home. I blame her and I don’t blame her. It was another truly good and bad missed connection at a shot at love that didn’t work due to whats written above this song story.
Once I was still 38 years old and once Im about to be 39 years old, I miss the woman I grew up with and miss the woman I want to maybe see one day over a conversation, when she doesn’t live with him or her boyfriend or ex finance anymore. If not, I will be happy and cherished our 21 year missed ultimate connection and cherish our times together. I will love you from afar, maybe, but only the good times.
Once I am 38 years old now, I am happy without you and maybe even happier if you find in your heart to realize how good I was to you, and how we had special times at C**** beach, Casino hotel, movies, restaurants, my place, your place a couple times. - I said goodbye to you in person on January 4th 2024, told you I love you . I was crying and looked at you as I was driving away. You then called me by mistake in February 2024 and we had our last argument. I wanted you so bad and to have another connection.
Once I was 38 years old and it now May/June 2024. – I haven’t seen you for real in over 6 months since 2 days xmas and for 5 mintues on January 4th, - I am really sorry, that me and you could not be together. It was not meant to be, because you didn’t want it to be and you didn’t see yourself with me. – I now realize you wanted him. So go be with you ultimate connection of your life with who you share 3 kids with. We had our time and I will cherish it..........
I am now happy without you but like I said, I “might” consider sitting down and talking to you in time If you would maybe want that after times, If that time comes and we run into each other again for another “connection” . – will it be a missed connection or a ultimate connection?
I last saw you on January 4th 2024, we average “running into each other” every 5 ot 6 years . so maybe see when Im 43 or 44 years old and I can say.
Once I was 44 years old…..To be continued Thank you for reading and Be Well to the super mama that lives near selden.
P.S. I do miss our times and our moments at the “selden post office” and our time together - Well see what the future holds for us and if we ever get to see what it would be like dating healthy and just us and no living with ex’s
Did you enjoy reading my story?
Do you see me and my story and what its like to be a boy being and wanting to be with a mom of 5? – do you see him?........
Now imagine it’s a girl chasing a boy she loved when was 17 and not 16 and now imagine it’s a woman chasing a guy of 5 kids when the guy was 37 years old and wanted it make it work What would you do B*******?
Would the girl continue to try and get that ultimate connection?
Time will tell and time heals all wounds. – Less is more right?
– How would you feel if the roles would be reversed. – Well See
To all : I hoped you enjoyed reading my “song story” – The real song is sang by Lukas Graham and it’s called 7 years. Feel free to listen to it. – I have to turn it off and aother songs that make me remind me of her. ..To everyone else and all of my single guys "this love doesn’t exist anymore, unless 2 people make it work and not make excuses! - simple as that. - Watch who you date and watch out for the narcissist two faced woman who I seen and dated. Love is sure interesting sometime in your life. Lesson learned. Good luck to all and thanks for reading.-
Would could have been B****? – Once I was XX year old and we will find out or we wont with us – Follow your heart and the rest we’ll figure out – I promise and I don’t break them. – simple 

The Big List

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MISC

Batwoman season 1 HD [2019] $6 (Vudu)
Help, The SD [2011] $3 (iTunes/ports)
Real Steel SD [2011] $4 (iTunes/ports)
Saw 7 Film Collection HD [1-7] [Unrated] $5 (Vudu)
X-Men Trilogy HD [X-Men, X2 & The Last Stand] $8 (MA)

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$5 4K UHD

Fast X [2023] (MA)
Iron Man [2008] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
John Wick 1-3 (iTunes)
Thor [2011] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)

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$4 4K UHD

Alien [1979] (iTunes/ports)
Amazing Spider-Man 2, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Avengers: Infinity War (MA + 200 points)
Frozen 2 [2019] (MA + 200 points)
Guardians Of The Galaxy [2014] (MA + 200 points)
Halloween [2018] (MA)
Magnificent Seven, The [2016] (Vudu)
Santa Clause, The [1994] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Scream [2022] (Vudu or iTunes)
Smokey & The Bandit [1977] (iTunes/ports)
Spider-Man: Homecoming (MA + Sony points)
Tangled [2010] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem (iTunes)

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$5 HD

Adventures Of Ichabod & Mr. Toad, The [1949] (MA + 150 points)
Day After Tomorrow, The [2004] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Elemental [2023] (MA + 150 points)
Hannibal season 1 [2013] (Vudu)
Hunchback Of Notre Dame, The [1996] (MA + 150 points)
Hunchback Of Notre Dame 2, The [2002] (MA + 150 points)
Iron Claw, The [2023] (Vudu)
Knick, The season 1 (iTunes)
Lady & The Tramp II: Scamps Adventure [2001] (MA + 150 points)
Mickey's Christmas Carol [1983] (MA + 150 points)
Mr. Popper's Penguins (MA or Google Play/ports)
Silent Night, Deadly Night 3,4 & 5 (Vudu)
Succession season 1 (iTunes)
Tremors: Shrieker Island (MA)
Veep season 5 (iTunes)
Veep season 6 (iTunes) or both for $8
Warriors, The [1979] (Vudu or iTunes)
Wonka [2023] (MA)

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$4 HD

Better Call Saul season 1 (Vudu)
Blue Beetle [2023] (MA)
Fox & The Hound 2, The [2006] (MA + 150 points)
Guns Akimbo (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Haunting In Venice, A [2023] (MA + 150 points)
Hitman [2007] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Jungle Book, The [1967] (MA + 150 points)
Justice League x RWBY: Superheroes & Huntsmen Part One [2023] (MA)
Lilo & Stitch [2002] (MA + 150 points)
Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has A Glitch (MA + 150 points)
Paw Patrol: The Mighty Movie (Vudu HD or iTunes 4K)
Rosemary's Baby [1968] (Vudu HD or iTunes 4K)
U-571 [2000] (iTunes/ports)

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$3️⃣ Movies

$3 4K UHD

Aladdin [2019] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Ant Man [2015] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Assassin's Creed [2016] (MA)
Back To The Future Part II [1989] (iTunes/ports)
Back To The Future Part III [1990] (iTunes/ports)
Beauty & The Beast [1991] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Bombshell [2019] (Vudu or iTunes)
Bourne Identity, The [2002] (iTunes/ports)
Chaos Walking (Vudu or iTunes)
Cinderella [2015] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Coco [2017] (iTunes/ports + 150 points) PENDING
Dirty Grandpa (Vudu)
Dracula Untold (MA)
Dredd (Vudu)
Fast & The Furious, The [2001] (MA)
Guardians Of The Galaxy [2014] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Incredibles 2, The [2018] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Interstellar (iTunes)
Jurassic Park III [2001] (iTunes/ports)
King Kong [2005] [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Little Mermaid, The [1989] (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Logan Lucky [2017] (iTunes/ports)
Lost World: Jurassic Park, The [1997] (iTunes/ports)
Moana (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
mother! [2017] (iTunes)
Prometheus [2012] (iTunes/ports)
Robin Hood [2018] (Vudu)
Sicario (Vudu)
Snitch (Vudu)
Spiral: From The Book Of Saw (Vudu or iTunes)
Spy Who Dumped Me, The (Vudu or iTunes)
Thor: The Dark World (iTunes/ports + 150 points)
Toll, The [2021] (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Top Gun (iTunes)
Wolf Of Wall Street, The (Vudu)

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Alien Resurrection (MA, iTunes or Google Play/ports)
Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel [2009] (MA)
Ambulance [2022] (MA)
Angry Birds Movie 2, The [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon [1985] (MA + Sony points)
BFG, The [2016] (MA + 150 points)
Big Little Lies season 1 (iTunes)
Birdman [2014] (MA, iTunes or Google Play/ports)
Birth Of The Dragon [2017] (MA)
Black Adam [2022] (MA)
Blackkklansman [2018] (MA)
Bloodshot [2020] (MA + Sony points)
Breaking Bad season 5 (Vudu)
Breaking Bad season 6 (Vudu)
Bridge Of Spies [2015] (MA + 150 points)
Call Me By Your Name (MA + Sony points)
Cats & Dogs 3: Paws Unite (MA)
Celebrating Mickey [2018] (MA + 150 points)
Chronicle [2012] (MA)
Color Purple, The [2023] (MA)
Dark Web: Cicada 3301 (Vudu/GP HD or iTunes 4K)
Desperation Road [2023] (Vudu HD or iTunes 4K)
Die Hard [1988] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Disneynature: Bears [2014] (MA + 150 points)
Don't Breathe [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Drive [2011] (MA + Sony points)
Escape Room [2019] (MA + Sony points) PENDING
Expendables 1-3, The (Vudu)
Finding You [2021] (Vudu/GP HD or iTunes 4K)
First Man [2018] (MA)
Fruitvale Station (Vudu)
Goosebumps [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Grand Budapest Hotel, The (MA or Google Play/ports)
Grown Ups 2 (MA + Sony points)
Hundred Foot Journey, The [2014] (MA + 150 points)
Hunt, The [2019] (MA)
I Am Vengeance: Retaliation [2020] (Vudu or iTunes)
Insidious: The Red Door [2023] (MA + Sony points)
Line Of Duty [2019] (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Little House On The Prairie season 5 (Vudu)
Lone Ranger, The [2013] (MA + 150 points)
Man With The Iron Fists 2, The (iTunes/ports)
Mortal Kombat Legends: Cage Match (MA)
Next Three Days, The [2010] (Vudu)
Nightmare Alley [2021] (MA)
Northman, The [2022] (MA)
Orange Is The New Black season 1 (Vudu)
Outlander season 1 volume 2 (Vudu)
Parasite [2019] (MA)
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (iTunes/ports)
Pete's Dragon [2016] (MA + 150 points)
Pixar Short Films Collection Volume 3 [2018] (MA + 150 points)
Planes: Fire & Rescue [2014] (MA + 150 points)
Pope's Exorcist, The [2023] (MA)
Project Ithaca [2019] (Vudu or Google Play)
Promising Young Woman [2020] (MA)
Public Enemies [2009] (MA)
Puss In Boots [2011] (MA)
Queen Of Katwe [2016] (MA + 150 points)
Raid: Redemption, The [2012] [Theatrical & Unrated] (MA + Sony points)
Ray [2004] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Resident Evil: Damnation [2012] (MA)
Resident Evil: Welcome To Raccoon City (MA + Sony points)
Robin Hood [1973] (MA + 150 points)
Sin City (Vudu)
Sixteen Candles [1984] (iTunes/ports)
Slap Shot [1977] (iTunes/ports)
Sleeping Beauty [1959] (MA + Sony points)
Slender Man [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs [1937] (MA + 150 points)
Spider-Man: Into The Spiderverse (MA + Sony points)
Stuber (MA or Google Play/ports)
Supercell [2023] (Vudu or iTunes)
Superfly [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Transporter 2, The [2005] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Trolls: World Tour [2020] (MA)
Tyler Perry's Madea Goes To Jail (Vudu or Google Play)
Venture Bros: Radiant Is The Blood Of The Baboon Heart [2023] (MA)
Walking Dead season 9, The (Vudu or Google Play)
Whiplash [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Yesterday [2019] (MA)
Zombieland: Double Tap (MA + Sony points)

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💲2️⃣ HD

10 Cloverfield Lane (Vudu)
12 Years A Slave (MA or Google Play/ports)
13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers Of Benghazi (iTunes 4K)
2 Guns (iTunes/ports 4K)
31 [2016] (Vudu)
3 From Hell [Unrated] (Vudu 4K or iTunes 4K)
47 Ronin (iTunes/ports 4K) PENDING
8 Mile [2002] (MA)
About Last Night [2014] (MA + Sony points)
About Time [2013] (MA)
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (MA)
Action Point [2018] (Vudu)
Admission [2013] (iTunes/ports)
After Earth [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Age Of Adaline, The (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Aladdin [1992] (MA + 150 points)
Alien Covenant (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA/GP)
Allied [2016] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Alpha [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Alpha & Omega 2: A Howl-lday Adventure (Vudu)
Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Road Chip (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Amazing Spider-Man, The [2012] (MA)
Amazing Spider-Man 2, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
America: Imagine The World Without Her (Vudu)
American Assassin [2017] (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
American Hustle [2013] (MA + Sony points)
American Reunion [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (Vudu)
Annie [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Arrival [2016] (Vudu)
Assassin's Creed (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Avengers: Age Of Ultron (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Avengers: Infinity War (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Baby Driver [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Back To The Future [1985] (MA)
Back To The Future III [1990] (MA)
Bad Words [2014] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Ballers season 3 (iTunes)
Baywatch (iTunes 4K)
Beauty & The Beast [2017] (MA + 150 points/iTunes option is expired)
Before I Fall [2017] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Beirut [2018] (MA)
Ben-Hur [2016] (Vudu)
Best Man Holiday, The [2013] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Big Lebowski, The (MA)
Birds, The [1963] (MA)
Birds Of Prey [2020] (MA)
Black Panther (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Bohemian Rhapsody (MA or Google Play/ports)
Book Club [2018] (iTunes 4K)
Boss Baby, The [2017] (MA)
Bourne Identity, The (MA)
Bourne Legacy, The (iTunes/ports 4K)
Bourne Supremacy, The (MA)
Bourne Ultimatum, The (MA)
Boy, The [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Boy Next Door, The [2015] (iTunes/ports)
Breakthrough [2019] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Bridesmaids [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Broken City [2013] (MA)
Bumblebee (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Bye Bye Man, The [Unrated] (iTunes/ports)
Call Of The Wild [2020] (MA + 150 points)
Candyman: Day Of The Dead (Vudu or Google Play)
Captain America: Civil War (MA only/no points or iTunes option)
Captain America: The Winter Soldier (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Captain Marvel [2019] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA + 150 points)
Captain Phillips [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (MA)
Case For Christ, The [2017] (MA)
Chappie [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Company Of Heroes [2013] (MA)
Contraband (iTunes/ports)
Courageous [2011] (MA + Sony points)
Cruella [2021] (MA + 150 points)
Curse Of Chucky [2013] [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Daddy's Home (Vudu)
Daddy's Home 2 (iTunes 4K)
Danny Collins (iTunes/ports)
Darkest Hour [2017] (MA)
Dark Tower, The [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Dead In Tombstone [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Deadpool 2 [2018] (MA)
Deepwater Horizon (iTunes 4K)
Despicable Me 2 (iTunes/ports 4K)
Despicable Me 3 [2017] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Devil's Due [2014] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: Dog Days (MA, iTunes or Google Play/ports)
Django Unchained (Vudu)
Doctor Strange [2016] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA + 150 points)
Dolittle [2020] (MA)
Do The Right Thing [1989] (MA)
Downton Abbey [2019] (MA)
Dracula [1931] (MA)
Dracula Untold [2014] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Dragonheart 3: The Sorcerer's Curse (iTunes/ports)
Dredd [2012] (Vudu/Google Play)
Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas [2000] (MA)
Duff, The (iTunes or Google Play)
Dumb & Dumber To [2014] (iTunes/ports)
Edge Of Seventeen, The [2016] (MA)
Edward Scissorhands (MA or Google Play/ports)
Emoji Movie, The [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Ender's Game (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Enough Said [2013] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Epic [2013] (MA)
Equalizer, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Equalizer 2, The (MA + Sony points)
Escape From Planet Earth (Vudu)
Ex Machina (Vudu)
Fast & Furious [2009] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Fast & The Furious, The [2001] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift, The (iTunes/ports 4K)
Fate Of The Furious [F8] [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Fences [2016] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Ferdinand [2017] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Fifty Shades Darker [2017] [Unrated] (MA 4K)
Fifty Shades Of Grey (iTunes/ports 4K)
Finding Dory (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA + 150 points)
Flight [2012] (Vudu or iTunes)
Forever My Girl [2018] (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Fortress [2021] (Vudu or Google Play)
Frozen [2013] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA + 150 points)
Frozen Ground, The [2013] (Vudu)
Fury [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Game Of Thrones season 2 (Vudu)
Ghostbusters [2016] [Theatrical & Extended] (MA + Sony points)
Ghost Team One [2013] (Vudu or iTunes)
Gifted [2017] (MA or Google Play ports/iTunes option is expired)
God Bless The Broken Road (Vudu or Google Play)
Gods Not Dead 2 [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Gods Of Egypt (Vudu/GP HD or iTunes 4K)
Goosebumps [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Grey, The [2012] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.2 (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Hacksaw Ridge (Vudu or Google Play/iTunes option expired)
Hail, Caesar [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Halloween [2018] (MA)
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters [Unrated] (Vudu or iTunes)
Haunted House, A [2013] (iTunes/ports)
Heat, The [2013] [Theatrical] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Heaven Is For Real [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Heist [2015] (Vudu)
Hell Or High Water (Vudu or Google Play)
Hercules [2014] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Hereditary [A24] (Vudu)
Hitman's Bodyguard, The (Vudu or Google Play/iTunes option is expired)
Homefront [2013] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Honey 2 [2011] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Host, The [2013] (iTunes/ports)
Hotel Transylvania (MA + Sony points)
How To Train Your Dragon 2 (MA)
How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World [2019] (MA)
Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1, The (iTunes 4K or Google Play HD)
Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2, The (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Huntsman: Winter's War, The [Extended] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Hurricane Heist, The (Vudu 4K or iTunes 4K)
Ice Age: Continental Drift (MA)
Imitation Game, The (Vudu)
Impossible, The [2012] (Vudu)
Inside Out [2015] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA + 150 points)
Into The Woods [2014] (MA + 150 points)
Iron Man 3 (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA + 150 points)
I Still Believe [2020] (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
It Follows [2015] (Vudu)
Jackass 3 [Theatrical] (Vudu or iTunes)
Jack Reacher (Vudu)
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (Vudu)
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (iTunes 4K)
Jarhead 2: Field Of Fire [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Jason Bourne [2016] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Jigsaw [2017] (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
John Henry [2020] (Vudu)
John Wick (iTunes 4K)
John Wick 1 & 2 (Vudu or Google Play)
John Wick: Chapter 2 (iTunes 4K)
John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum (iTunes 4K) or all 3 for $5
Joy [2015] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle (MA + Sony points)
Jurassic Park III [2001] (MA)
Jurassic World (iTunes/ports 4K)
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (MA)
Kick-Ass 2 [2013] (MA)
Kidnap [2017] (iTunes/ports)
Killer Elite (iTunes/ports)
Kingsman: The Golden Circle (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Kingsman: The Secret Service (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
La La Land (iTunes 4K)
Last Knights [2015] (Vudu)
Last Witch Hunter, The [2015] (iTunes 4K or Google Play)
League Of Their Own, A [1992] (MA + Sony points)
Les Misérables [1998] (MA + Sony points)
Les Misérables [2012] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Life Of Pi (iTunes/ports 4K)
Lockout [2012] [Unrated] (MA + Sony points)
Logan [2017] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Logan Lucky [2017] (MA)
Lone Survivor [2013] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Longest Ride, The (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Looper [2012] (MA + Sony points)
Lorax, The [2012] (MA)
Love, Simon [2018] (MA)
Lucy [2014] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Maleficent (iTunes/ports 4K + 150 points)
Mama [2013] (iTunes/ports)
Mamma Mia! [2008] (MA)
Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again [2018] (MA)
Man With The Iron Fists, The [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Marauders (Vudu)
Marine 4: Moving Target, The [2015] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Martian, The [2015] [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Mary Poppins [1964] (MA + 100 points)
Maze Runner, The [2014] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Maze Runner: The Death Cure [2018] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Mechanic: Resurrection (Vudu/GP HD or iTunes 4K)
Men In Black 3 (MA + Sony points)
MI-5 [2015] (Vudu)
Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Mile 22 (iTunes 4K)
Mindgamers [2017] (MA)
Minions [2015] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (iTunes 4K)
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (iTunes 4K)
Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Moms’ Night Out [2014] (MA)
Moneyball [2011] (MA + Sony points)
Money Monster [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Monuments Men, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Mortal Engines [2018] (MA)
Mortal Instruments: The City Of Bones, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Mother's Day [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Mr. Peabody & Sherman [2014] (MA)
Murder On The Orient Express [2017] (MA or Google Play/ports)
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 (iTunes/ports)
Neighbors [2014] (iTunes/ports)
Night At The Museum [2006] (MA)
Night At The Museum: Secret Of The Tomb (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Noah [2014] (Vudu or iTunes)
Non-Stop [2014] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Norm Of The North (Vudu or iTunes)
Now You See Me 2 (iTunes 4K or Google Play HD)
Nurse Jackie season 7 (Vudu)
Nut Job, The [2014] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Oblivion [2013] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Office Christmas Party (Vudu)
Only The Brave [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Orange Is The New Black season 2 (Vudu)
Oranges, The [2012] (MA)
Ouija [2014] (MA)
Outlander season 1 volume 1 (Vudu)
Overlord [2018] (Vudu)
Paddington (Vudu)
Paranormal Activity [2009] [Theatrical] (iTunes)
Paranormal Activity 2 [Unrated Director's Cut] (Vudu or iTunes)
Paranormal Activity 3 [Extended] (Vudu or iTunes)
Paranormal Activity 4 [Unrated] (iTunes)
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones [Theatrical] (iTunes)
Paranorman [2012] (iTunes)
Passengers [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Patriots Day (Vudu or Google Play/iTunes option is expired)
Paul [2011] [Unrated] (iTunes/ports)
Peanuts Movie, The [2015] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Penguins Of Madagascar (MA)
Percy Jackson: Sea Of Monsters (MA or Google Play/ports)
Pet Sematary [2019] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Pitch Perfect (iTunes/ports 4K)
Pitch Perfect 2 (iTunes/ports 4K)
Pitch Perfect 3 (MA)
Planes [2013] (MA + 150 points)
Predator, The [2018] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Premium Rush [2012] (MA + Sony points)
Prometheus (MA or Google Play/ports, no iTunes option)
Proud Mary [2018] (MA)
Pulp Fiction (Vudu or Google Play)
Purge: Anarchy, The [2014] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Quiet Place, A [2018] (iTunes 4K)
Rambo: Last Blood (Vudu 4K or iTunes 4K)
Redemption [2013] (Vudu)
Riddick [2013] [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Rio 2 (MA or Google Play ports/iTunes option is expired)
Rise Of The Guardians [2011] (MA)
Risen [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Robin Hood [2018] (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Rock Dog (iTunes)
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (iTunes/ports 4K + 150 points)
Rush [2013] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Saban's Power Rangers (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Safe House [2012] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Scoob! [2020] (MA)
Scorpion King 3: Battle For Redemption (iTunes/ports)
Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, The (MA, iTunes or Google Play/ports)
Secret Life Of Pets, The (MA 4K or iTunes/ports 4K)
Sex Tape [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Shape Of Water, The [2017] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Show Dogs [2018] (MA)
Sicario (iTunes 4K)
Silent House [2012] (iTunes/ports)
Silver Linings Playbook (Vudu or Google Play)
Sing [2016] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Sinister (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Skyscraper [2018] (MA)
Smurfs [2011] (MA)
Snow White & The Huntsman [2012] [Extended] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Soul [2020] (MA + 150 points)
Sparkle [2012] (MA)
Spectre [2015] (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Spider-Man: Homecoming [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Split [2017] (MA)
Spotlight [2015] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Spy [2015] [Unrated] (MA, iTunes or Google Play/ports)
Star Trek [2009] (iTunes 4K)
Star Wars: The Force Awakens (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA + 150 points)
Star Wars: The Last Jedi [2017] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA + 150 points)
Step Up All In [2014] (Vudu)
Step Up Revolution (Vudu or Google Play)
Straight Outta Compton [Unrated] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Super 8 (Vudu)
Super Buddies (MA without points)
Super Troopers 2 [2018] (MA or Google Play/ports)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out Of The Shadows (iTunes 4K)
Terminator: Genisys (iTunes 4K)
Texas Chainsaw [2013] (Vudu)
Theory Of Everything, The (iTunes/ports)
This Is The End [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Thor: Ragnarok (MA + 150 points/no iTunes option)
Three Billboards Outside Of Ebbing, Missouri (MA or Google Play/ports)
Thing, The [2011] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Titanic (Vudu)
Top Gun (Vudu)
Tower Heist [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Toy Story 4 [2019] (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA + 150 points)
Tremors: A Cold Day In Hell (MA)
True Grit [2010] (Vudu or iTunes)
Tyler Perry's A Madea Family Funeral (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 (iTunes 4K)
Underworld: Awakening [2012] (MA + Sony points)
Underworld: Blood Wars (MA + Sony points)
Us [2019] (MA)
Venom [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Vertigo [1958] (MA)
Walk Among The Tombstones, A (iTunes/ports)
Warcraft [2016] (iTunes/ports 4K)
War Room [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (Vudu)
Wolf Of Wall Street (iTunes 4K)
Woman In Black, The [2012] (MA)
Wonder [2017] (Vudu/GP HD or iTunes 4K)
Wonder Park [2019] (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Woodlawn [2015] (MA or iTunes/ports)
World War Z (iTunes 4K)
X-Men: Apocalypse (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
X-Men: Days Of Future Past (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Zero Dark Thirty (MA + Sony points)
Zootopia (MA without points)

🦝

💲2️⃣ SD

127 Hours (iTunes/ports)
Beasts Of The Southern Wild (iTunes/ports)
Black Swan (iTunes/ports)
Bride Wars (iTunes/ports)
Crazy Heart (iTunes/ports)
Date Night [2010] [Extended Edition] (iTunes/ports)
Dr. Seuss’ Horton Hears A Who! (ITunes/ports)
Get The Gringo (iTunes/ports)
In Time [2011] (iTunes/ports)
Jumper [2008] (iTunes/ports)
Nightmare On Elm Street, A [2010] (iTunes/ports)
Street Kings [2008] (iTunes/ports)
Texas Rising season 1 (Vudu)
Three Stooges: The Movie, The (iTunes/ports)
Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines [Unrated] (iTunes/ports)

🦝

$1 Codes

💲1️⃣ HD

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers Of Benghazi (Vudu)
2 Fast 2 Furious (MA)
47 Ronin (MA)
Alex Cross (Vudu)
Bad Grandpa [Theatrical] (Vudu or iTunes)
Bad Moms [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Battleship [2012] (MA)
Baywatch (Vudu)
Big Hero 6 (Google Play/ports)
Book Club (Vudu)
Bourne Legacy, The (MA)
Choice, The [2016] (Vudu)
Deadpool (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA/GP)
Despicable Me 2 (MA)
Despicable Me 3 (MA)
Divergent (iTunes 4K or Vudu HD)
Dog's Purpose, A [2017] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Dracula Untold (MA)
Duff, The [2015] (Vudu)
Expendables 2, The (iTunes 4K or Vudu/GP HD)
Expendables 3, The [Theatrical] (iTunes 4K or Google Play HD)
Fast & Furious [2009] (MA)
Fast & Furious 6, The [Extended] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Fast & The Furious, The [2001] (MA)
Fast Five [Extended] (MA)
Fate Of The Furious, The [8] [Theatrical] (MA)
Fault In Our Stars, The (iTunes/ports 4K or HD MA)
Frozen: Sing Along Edition (MA without points)
Furious 7 [Extended] (iTunes/ports 4K)
Gambler, The [2014] (Vudu)
G.I. Joe: Retaliation (Vudu)
Girls Trip [2017] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Good Day To Die Hard, A (MA or Google Play/ports)
Gunman, The [2015] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Hillsong: Let Hope Rise [2016] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Hope Springs [2012] (MA)
Hunger Games, The [2012] (iTunes 4K or Google Play HD)
Hunger Games: Catching Fire, The (iTunes 4K or Google Play HD)
Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1, The (Vudu)
Huntsman: Winter's War, The [2016] [Extended] (MA)
I, Frankenstein (Vudu, iTunes or Google Play)
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (Vudu)
Jason Bourne (MA)
Jurassic Park [1993] (MA)
Justice [2017] (MA)
Kung Fu Panda 3 (MA)
Lee Daniels’ The Butler [2013] (Vudu)
Leprechaun: Origins (Vudu)
Mission Impossible: Fallout (Vudu)
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (Vudu)
Mud (Vudu)
Now You See Me [Extended] (Vudu, Google Play or iTunes)
Other Woman, The [2014] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Oz: The Great & Powerful (MA + 100 points)
Quiet Place, A [2018] (Vudu)
Parental Guidance [2012] (MA)
Perks Of Being A Wallflower, The (Vudu or Google Play)
Pitch Perfect 2 (MA)
Red 2 (iTunes 4K)
Ride Along [2014] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Ride Along 2 (MA or iTunes/ports)
RIPD Rest In Peace Department (MA)
Safe [2012] (Vudu or Google Play)
Secret Life Of Pets, The (MA)
Selma (iTunes)
Shack, The [2017] (iTunes)
Sisters [2015] [Unrated] (MA or iTunes/ports)
Skyfall (Vudu or Google Play)
Snitch (iTunes 4K or Vudu/Google Play HD)
Star Trek: Beyond (Vudu)
Star Wars: The Force Awakens (iTunes/ports 4K/no points)
Taken 2 (MA)
Ted [Unrated] (MA) or [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles [2014] (Vudu)
Terminator: Genisys (Vudu)
Transformers: Age Of Extinction (iTunes 4K)
Transformers: Dark Of The Moon (Vudu)
Transformers: The Last Knight (Vudu)
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (iTunes 4K)
Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection (iTunes)
Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions Of A Marriage Counselor (Vudu or Google Play)
Unbroken [2014] (MA)
Warcraft [2016] (MA)
XXX: Return Of Xander Cage (Vudu)
Zootopia (Google Play/ports)

🦝

💲1️⃣ SD

12 Rounds [2009] [Extreme Cut] (iTunes/ports)
21 Jump Street (MA + Sony points)
22 Jump Street (MA + Sony points)
5th Wave, The [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Act Of Valor (iTunes)
After Earth [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Aloha [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Alpha [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (iTunes/ports)
Amazing Spider-Man, The [2012] (MA)
Amazing Spider-Man 2, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
American Hustle [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Annie [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Arthur Christmas [2011] (MA + Sony points)
A-Team, The [2010] [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Big Mommas Like Father, Like Son (iTunes/ports)
Bloodshot [2020] (MA + Sony points)
Bullet Train [2022] (MA + Sony points)
Call, The [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Captain Phillips (MA + Sony points)
Chappie [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Charlie's Angels [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Clash Of The Titans [2010] (iTunes/ports)
Concussion [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Day The Earth Stood Still, The [2008] (iTunes/ports)
Dead Man Down [2013] (MA)
Dictator, The [2012] [Theatrical] (Vudu)
Dirty 30 (Vudu)
Dog's Way Home, A [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Don't Breathe [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Elysium [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Equalizer, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Evil Dead [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Family Guy: It's A Trap (iTunes)
Forbidden Kingdom, The (iTunes)
For Colored Girls (iTunes)
From Paris With Love (iTunes)
Girl In The Spider's Web, The [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Goosebumps [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Goosebumps 2 [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Hangover, The [Theatrical] [2009] (iTunes/ports)
Haywire (iTunes)
Heat, The [2013] (iTunes/ports SD)
Here Comes The Boom [2012] (MA + Sony points)
Hotel Transylvania 3 (MA + Sony points)
House At The End Of The Street, The [2012] (iTunes)
Ice Age: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs (iTunes/ports)
Immortals [2011] (iTunes)
Insidious: Chapter 2 (MA + Sony points)
Insidious: Chapter 3 (MA + Sony points)
Insidious: The Last Key (MA + Sony points)
Kick-Ass [2010] (iTunes)
Knight & Day (iTunes/ports)
Limitless (iTunes)
Looper [2012] (MA + Sony points)
Machete (iTunes/ports)
Mamma Mia! The Movie (iTunes/ports)
Men In Black III [2012] (MA + Sony points)
Mirror Mirror [2012] (iTunes)
Moms’ Night Out [2014] (MA)
Monuments Men, The [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Mortal Instruments: The City Of Bones (MA + Sony points)
Nerve [2016] (Vudu)
Next Three Days, The [2010] (iTunes)
Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian (iTunes/ports)
Olympus Has Fallen (MA + Sony points)
Once Upon A Time In…Hollywood [2019] (MA + Sony points)
Orange Is The New Black season 1 (Vudu)
Parker [2013] (MA + Sony points)
Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (iTunes/ports)
Perfect Guy, The [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Perks Of Being A Wallflower, The (iTunes SD only)
Peter Rabbit [2018] (MA + Sony points)
Pixels [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Predators [2010] (iTunes/ports)
Premium Rush [2012] (MA + Sony points)
Ramona & Beezus (iTunes/ports)
Red Riding Hood [2011] (iTunes/ports)
Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes (iTunes/ports)
Robin Hood [2010] [Unrated] (iTunes/ports)
Safe Haven (iTunes)
Sausage Party [2016] (MA + Sony points)
Scoob! [2020] (MA)
Shallows, The [2016] (MA + 150 points)
Sparkle [2012] (MA)
Spectacular Now, The [A24] (Vudu)
Spider-Man: Into The Spiderverse (MA + Sony points)
Star, The [2017] (MA + Sony points)
Still Alice [2015] (MA + Sony points)
Sucker Punch [2011] [Theatrical] (iTunes/ports)
Taken [2009] [Extended Cut] (iTunes/ports)
Think Like A Man Too [2014] (MA + Sony points)
Tyler Perry's Madea's Tough Love (Vudu)
Tyler Perry's Meet The Browns (iTunes)
Underworld: Awakening (MA + Sony points)
Venom: Let There Be Carnage (MA + Sony points)
Vow, The [2012] (MA + Sony points)
Warrior [2011] (iTunes)
Wedding Ringer, The [2015] (MA + Sony points)
When The Bough Breaks [2016] (MA + Sony points)
When The Game Stands Tall [2014] (MA + Sony points)
White House Down [2013] (MA + Sony points)
X-Men: First Class (iTunes/ports)

🦝

Super Cheap SD & HD Codes

All movies are 3 for $1 each/must spend at least $1 on total order.
Cabin In The Woods, The (Vudu SD only or iTunes SD only)
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: Dog Days (iTunes/ports SD)
Dirty Grandpa (Vudu SD only)
Draft Day (Vudu SD only)
Expendables 2, The (Vudu SD only or iTunes SD only)
Expendables 3, The [Unrated] (iTunes HD only)
Fast Five [Extended] (iTunes/ports HD)
Hell Or High Water (Vudu SD only)
Hunger Games, The (Vudu SD or iTunes SD only)
John Wick 3 (Google Play HD only)
Last Witch Hunter, The (Vudu SD only)
Life Of Pi (iTunes/ports SD)
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol (Vudu HD only)
Star Trek: Into Darkness (Vudu HD only)
Taken 2 (iTunes/ports SD)
Transformers: Age Of Extinction (Vudu HD only)
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (Vudu SD only)

11th: Jerri Manthey 1.0 (The Australian Outback - 8th)

mother
u/SMC0629:
Despite how anyone feels about Outback, I think Jerri is the one character who transcends those opinions. She is a pioneer in terms of Survivor villains, literally the original, and for better or for worse, she had the entire fandom in a chokehold back when the show started. She's super complex and fun to watch, and EASILY my favorite character of the season.
~
u/DryBonesKing:
Survivor’s original villain. Man-eater Manthey, the original Black Widow, Survivor’s very first “mactor” casting, the asshole who said Keith couldn’t cook rice, the horrible person who accused Kel of smuggling beef jerky… Honestly, I think Jerri’s gotten underrated nowadays. There’s some meaningful discussion to be had about the extent of how much of a villain Jerri is based on modern day perspectives, but I have also seen it accompanied by takes about Jerri being neither a villain nor “that entertaining”, and honestly, I categorically reject both assertions.
Jerri carves herself a truly unique role in Outback and serves as a fantastic foil to all of the main characters of the show. She’s narcissistic and vain and has very little filter on her thoughts (i.e. her complaints about Keith and her open flirting with Colby), and she’s also very cutthroat with some amazing one-liners. I think Jerri is the first person in the show’s history to make a reference to “making a deal with the devil” and god does she pull it off so well. Her relationship with Colby is genuinely iconic. Her relationship with Tina is also pretty damn amazing as well (especially as it starts with both of them being suspicious of Kel). Her hatred of Keith, her feud with Elisabeth, the forced politeness she and Rodger share… hell, she manages to do the genuine impossible task of actually making Amber Brkich seem entertaining on Survivor! Give this woman an Emmy for fuck’s sake!
The beef jerky, her making tortillas to one-up Keith, her involvement in the Mitchell tribal council as one of his faithful allies, the “drizzle chocolate on a hot guy’s bod”, Colby splashing her with water after Ogakor lost reward, their late “date” at the Great Barrier Reef, her blindside, both Tina and Colby taking potshots at her in the FTC… there’s so much to say about Jerri. And despite all of these iconic moments and being such an iconic villain, she herself has a relatability to her that I think should not be ignored. Truly, one of the best of all time. Someone who should realistically make every Endgame.
Overall Rank – 9/821
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u/Zanthosus:
The original villainess of Survivor. She’s the star of her season, and she has one of the most perfect three season arcs in the show’s history. I adore her in every iteration, but here she’s basically perfect. A true 10/10 character through and through. It’s really telling that the quality of the season goes down considerably after her elimination.
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u/Tommyroxs45:
The original villainess of Survivor. Her dynamic with Colby is iconic for a reason they have some of the best moments in survivor history. And perfectly sets up Colby’s story as well as just being completely tv gold with her beef jerky gate, Hershey bars, whenever she is on screen you know you are gonna get the Manthey experience.
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u/ninjedi1:
Jerri is definitely one of the most well known characters, originally one of the most hated people on the show, and nowadays is one of the most beloved (although not a fan of the revisionist take that she was the hero of the season). From the beef jerky debacle, to her relationship with Colby, with having the ability to tick off a number of people with her attitude without even knowing, she's pretty fun overall.
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u/Regnisyak1:
Jerri Manthey (Australian Outback, 8/16)
Jerri, Jerri, Jerri. The maneater of the show has one of the most important roles in the series and is a necessary character, not just in the history of Survivor, but the history of Reality TV. She shows what happens when a personality clash happens on Survivor. She demonstrates the pride of strong women and how they are immediately ostracized on these TV shows as being a “bitch.” The double standard she expresses, where she is playing a clear strategic game, but is relegated to the position of the camp pariah because of her behavior is endlessly fascinating. But most importantly? She is the true first villainess, the first true flirt of the series, and she is the demonstration of perceived evil in society when in reality people desire scapegoats. She is a stellar character and one of the few characters whom I ultimately question where I have in my rankings - and perhaps one day could be my number one of all time. I love Jerri.
There are about one million things I love about Jerri, so for this essay, I want to frame it in a certain manner that is easy to follow, both for myself and you all. Jerri’s strengths are mainly showcased in her relationships with other people on the island - namely, Keith, Colby, and Tina, and coincidentally, that is the order in which this paper will go. With Keith, we understand Jerri’s humor, bossiness, and personality best. Often, Jerri IS right whenever she complains about Keith - he is simply put, an idiot, and Jerri outshines him in everything. With Colby, we understand a newer facet of Survivor that hasn’t been shown - sexuality on Survivor, and how it's dealt with. With that, Jerri is also deemed as a villain, especially given the situation of Ogakor and their… conservatism. And lastly, Jerri is a free independent woman in the series - which means she is SATAN! A discussion of Tina will take over the last section of this write-up because she is the primary source of Jerri becoming the original villain that we all love and know her for.
I mentioned a long time ago in my Jerri 3.0 cut that I didn’t think that I was able to get her cut for endgame (because at that point, we all kind of agreed Jerri was making endgame), so the fact that I am in this position, to talk about one of my favorite characters of all time, is just an honor. Outback is a very underrated season when it comes to the theming of Survivor, and the fact that I get a chance to deep dive into it as extensively as I will right now is a lot of fun.
Part I: “He Should Keep His Day Job” - Jerri and Her Personality (featuring Keith and other Friends)
Opening right away on the now iconic helicopter scene, Jerri almost immediately came out on the island guns blazing when she reached the camp… by arguing with Keith. Keith in general is a condescending dink, but right away, he begins to suggest things for camp, when in reality they would not work in the context of how they should live - in other words, his ideas are kind of lame. But this culminates in the second when the world-class chef continues to cook the rice horrifically.
Jerri and her tortillas are unfortunately a bigger character than Amber 1.0, but they show so much about her character in such a short amount of time. One is that she is not afraid to speak her mind, both in confessionals and in the game. She complains about Keith not being able to cook something as simple as rice in the middle of the beach, while Jerri can do it with relative ease. She is not afraid to call his ass out on the issue either, because his rice sucked and she knew she could do it better. But it also shows Jerri’s bossy side, which seems to especially come out whenever she is hungry (or wakes up in a bad mood… or doesn’t get what she wants… or is annoyed… or… well you get the point). While Jerri is hilarious in the moment, and right because everyone hates Keith’s rice, people still see her as being negative because she has such a personality clash with the tribe, who tend to be people who follow, rather than lead like Jerri. People like her should be appreciative of what Keith is doing, but she breaks the mold and goes against the line. This culminates in Episode 3 when Jerri mocks Keith AGAIN because she is catching more fish than him without barely trying! Her overconfidence is further a key component in her character, and something that pushes people away.
I’d be wrong to not bring up JerkyGate at this point, which happens in the same episode with Jerri and also shows her abrasive side. We might never know if Kel snuck beef jerky on the show, or was simply munching on grass, but one thing we do know is that Jerri was pissed and led the witchhunt against him. Ultimately, Jerri is not afraid to take the lead on anything, even if the facts are not clear, and while the tribe was pissed at Kel for potentially having food and not being prepared to share with 7 other starving people on the island, Jerri got more flak for the situations due to how harsh she was in the concept. It’s another staple of her character.
Episode 3 is also an interesting episode for Jerri because it showcases one positive trait of her and her game. At the end of the day, while she could get annoyed easily and maybe isn’t the nicest when she is hungry, she is loyal to the people that she is friends with. Mad Dog was one of the most difficult votes for her at that point of the game because she considered her a close friend, but ultimately that was where the chips lay. It further expands to Mitchell in the next episode, where Jerri specifically mentions friendship in the game, and how she is not as close with some on the island as others. This sets off red flags for a particular Tennesseean and something I will go into more detail earlier, but it shows that no matter how the show portrays her if she likes you, she will be loyal to you. What’s important about this scene, however, is that it is a classic example of Jerri speaking before thinking about the words that she is saying. Jerri’s immediate regret in the next episode showcases her fear of the game and shows that she has game awareness, despite not having social awareness. Ultimately, her loyalty takes a front view at the end of Episode 4, as she refuses to vote for Mitchell, which puts her on the outside of the tribe because of Tina’s last-second vote flip on their hike over to the tribal council.
As time progresses, we begin to see more sides of Jerri, and it is up to us as the viewer to construe the positivity or negativity of Jerri. She is constantly complained about for her attitude on the show, whether it is her style of gameplay or her continued attitude on the beach. The gameplay portion of her game is rather important. As the game progresses we see Jerri become more and more paranoid. Jerri is a classic example of a player lacking self-awareness of how their behavior might affect people in the future, but what is notable is that she quickly understands that people do not like her in the game. I don’t think she is ever aware of the extent of the game and her behavior, (which I think explains her bitterness toward Tina in All-Stars) but she does know that people will never take her to the end, either because she is not deserving or because she is playing a good social game. But, that leads to Jerri becoming a paranoid mess, desperate to strategize with almost anything at this point. One notable moment is her strategizing with Colby in the middle night, which is something that he CLEARLY did not want to do. This was yet another strike, but showed that Jerri, while being bossy all the time, is also really game-oriented, but she doesn’t recognize what times she should - it reminds me of a lot of characters on the show, but Jerri is the true example of that, where she is actively seen as bossy AND overplaying.
But Jerri’s bossiness reaches a new height once the Kuchas come over to the tribe. Immediately, the Ogakors look like idiots because that dumbass Keith accidentally took the matches to the old Kucha tribe by accident, leading the women to have no ability to make fire, as their guests meander to their tribe. Further, we get Jerri being incredibly bossy about the rice and such, yet again, as the merge progresses. With this, we understand the entire characterization of Jerri with a simple Rodger voting confessional “Most days she gets up in a good mood, but oh baby, watch out if she gets up in a bad mood.” We get some classic Jerri personality clashes at this point in the post-merge, notably with her complaining about how Elisabeth cooks the food every morning, and how she has a specific way of cooking it.
This scene is especially important because it is a rare time when we see Elisabeth, of all characters, break their character and lose the sweetheart facade for a moment because of Jerri’s sheer negativity around camp. Elisabeth tends to keep her composure throughout most of the season, but you can tell her annoyment in this situation, and it sparks a different side of her character that we did not get an opportunity to see - a more malicious side where she pushes a lot of the Jerri boot in the process. It was yet another personality clash with Jerri at this point, and something that caused another strike because of her abrasion. And what’s funnier is that Jerri came into the merge to hide that attitude. She was attempting to be nice and together with the Ogakors as the other two Kuchas meandered over to their tribe, and she was even going to stay loyal to the final 3, who she never really knew the extent they hated her, but her power on the tribe was just too great, and her attitude finally wore them down. She went home in that episode, for a mix of reasons. Her abrasion, her attitude, her differences from the “good” people on the tribe, and her strategic abilities.
Jerri so effortlessly creates argumentation in the tribe, whether it is deserved conflict or perceived conflict because of her attitude. Her ability to be such a natural villain without over-hamming it up, and just merely due to her negative personality, is beyond impressive on the show, and something that I can’t overemphasize my appreciation for. Ultimately, Jerri is not really that bad, and I think many could even suggest that she is the right half of the time, but she ultimately cannot make that point clear because she just comes off too strongly. But is it her fault? Maybe not. At this point, we have to start looking at the other people in the tribe. Ultimately, Jerri is abrasive, the vitriol she got was just not deserved. It’s due to simple perceptions, initial first perceptions, and perhaps gender roles that created such an intense portion of the game with Jerri, and why she meets the themes of the season so well. But before that, let’s jump into the other character and their dissolution of a potential relationship, to a rivalry that last over a decade. He ain’t no Hershey bar, either.
Part II: “I Am SUCH a Sucker for Cowboys” - Jerri and Sexuality/Gender Roles
The tumultuous roller coaster that occurs between Jerri and Colby is telegraphed so greatly during Australian Outback, and ultimately it is because of one thing, and one thing only. Avoiding the full Freudian comparison, Colby is a MAMA’S BOY!
Jerri and Colby begin the show with having a mutual relationship and liking for each other, while also having their knives sharpened and ready to stab at the correct period. Probably one of my favorite and underrated scenes of Jerri was when she gave Colby the massage on the island. Both give immediate commentary in that they can see right through each other and know exactly what they are doing to each other. Jerri begins the massage but knows that at some point in the game, even though she is attracted to Colby, she will have to stab him in the back. On the other hand, Colby sees right through her sexualization of him and knows that Jerri will be in trouble down the line.
Something that Jerri’s weaponizes is her flirtatious nature. I don’t think Jerri gets enough credit for using that as her strategy and being the first really to use it in such an obvious way, because she is actively using it to win people over, notably her potential boyfriend on the season, Colby. To me, I think Jerri very well knows how she is acting on camp, and using her powers of seduction as a way to convince Colby to move over to her side and be a strong ally for her character. I think she also just has a crush on Colby, but as we’ve seen from her being strategic and understanding game awareness, she knows exactly what she is doing.
Probably, my favorite example of Jerri and her sexuality is the classic scene with her and the chocolate. Chocolate releases endorphins. Poor it over a hot bod. Hopefully, Colby is in her fantasies. I mentioned this casually in my Jerri 3.0 writeup, but her relationship with chocolate is one of my favorite side stories of Jerri because she mentions it consistently in all three seasons she appears. I don’t think it is overshadowed at all in Survivor, but with it appearing in the same episode as Trial by Fire, I do think its placement gets forgotten. She’s on the beach, lying next to a log (wait that’s AMBER?!?) and discussing just so blatantly how chocolate is an aphrodisiac near Colby, whom she admits pretty firmly that she is fantasizing about in her daydreams. Yes, we get the Hershey Bar scene here, but Jerri destroys this scene with how classic she is, just because it was so unique and different to hear a woman like her so blatantly talk about sex in that manner. Like for 2001, that’s SHOCKING. But it is reality, and I think Jerri being the leader in that role is pretty incredible.
But, silly goofy gender roles come into play, and it causes a riff between the tribe because it does make the rest of the tribe uncomfortable. Again, I will go into this more detail down below, but Colby and Tina don’t like how open she is about how she wants it, and I think that is really important contextualization for the tribe because they are a bunch of conservatives on the tribe. They don’t need to hear that, and Jerri, someone they’ve already had issues with, is already annoying as is, and this just adds insult to energy.
But as they progress, we see their relationship continue to tumble down a hill, picking up speed as it rolls down faster and faster. Colby is getting irritated with Jerri at this point, and I think Tina is involved a lot in this position on the season. As I mentioned earlier, Colby is a total mama’s boy, and that is immediately confirmed when his mom comes strolling out on the island after he wins one of his ten million challenges. We question his motives throughout the season, but I think Tina clocked Colby immediately for being someone who respects elders in his life, and her power of acting as a motherly figure for his character begins the general dislike for Jerri because at first they did get along and created an alliance. But they continue to struggle, and whether it is Colby throwing the water at Jerri during the challenge, or his general apathy as the game progresses and lack of interest, their relationship is going down, and a lot of it is due to Tina and her negative attitude toward Jerri and her character.
Their awkwardness of their, for a lack of a better word, “situationship”, culminates into the classic honeymoon scene, as they go to the reefs and slowly ruin a national landmark in Australia (lol). They lounge on the chairs out there, but Colby first issues a rule with Jerri - no one is allowed to talk about strategy out on the reward. This is a time to relax, and he simply has no desire to hear it. It was hilarious how differently the two were on different pages, with Colby not giving any fucks about Jerri (he dragged her along the challenge but did not want to win), while Jerri somehow fell more in love on her honeymoon without sex. The dichotomy of their games, with Colby playing a better social game, but not so much one with game awareness, while Jerri having the exact opposite, became quite clear here.
Jerri’s ultimate lack of understanding of how to use her strategy, and the divide of her negative attitude, something that is very difficult to change at the end of the day, creates a varied strategy that ultimately fails on cylinders. But the more important part is how a woman who has these feelings, basically being a love-sick puppy, gets ostracized by the entire country of America for her behavior. I think the perception of Jerri and her seductive nature is probably the most interesting about her character because it is highly lauded in seasons now, but when it happened then, she was the equivalent of the devil. It represents the double standards of women on Survivor because god forbid a woman shows that she has a strong sexuality. I love how Jerri embraced it, and while she did have issues making it actually… work, it still created some interesting tension among the much more conservative tribe members of Kucha and Ogakor.
Ultimately, I think Jerri and Colby’s relationship ends with fire because he just straight up lies to her when he mentions who he is voting for her because she is so done with her attitude. Jerri isn’t shocked at tribal because early Survivor didn’t understand blindsides, so they likely told her beforehand, but I think you can see she is heartbroken by the decision because Jerri was a mouthy, but loyal soldier. Even at the end, I don’t think anyone expected Jerri’s game because she was trying to fish for answers with her jury questions, and I think there’s a certain tragedy that Jerri was playing a strategically forward game, but was ultimately ruined because of her boisterous personality.
And again, I’d be wrong not to mention the sheer strength of Jerri and Colby, and how their relationship progresses throughout the seasons. From this, we get legendary moments in All-Stars that give the season some semblance of watchability, which leads to an incredible three-season arc for the duo. I wouldn’t go into too much detail because this write-up is already getting to be way too long, but it is pretty great, and watching Jerri get the final word on Colby twice is great.
Part III: “She took the canoe!” - Jerri and The Themes of Australia
Lastly, Jerri symbolizes the themes I’ve talked about loving so much in Australian Outback - understanding what deserving means on the season, and how that turn has no relevance to the season. Once someone gets pegged as “undeserving” it is hard to fight against that reputation, even in a favorable way. The problem is that Jerri constantly gets dogpiled, to the point where she can never bounce back from what people thought of her with her initial perceptions.
Tina’s hatred of Jerri symbolizes that, as she was one of the leaders of the concept of good vs. evil. Throughout the premerge, Tina plays a hidden role, but eventually, we begin to understand the “good people” winning, or those who agree Tina initially perceives as those who are “good.” The entire perception comes from her. This means white people who don’t have an attitude problem. I think Australian Outback is beyond interesting because of that because it shows how the cast can change what people describe as deserving, and that it can be completely subjective depending on the season.
No one on Survivor is truly “deserving” to make it to the end or not. It’s almost entirely luck. But Australian Outback tries to establish that, which makes it unique against the other seasons of Survivor because deserving is never really as vocalized as it is in this season. Tina disguises what being “good” means, and it causes the endgame to work out the way it is. Jerri is only the first victim that Tina has with this march, but the good vs evil marking leads to an interesting dichotomy between the two groups.
Besides that, their relationship reconfirms gender roles of the season, with someone who lives in a more conservative setting, versus one who didn’t and has broader strokes of liberalism with it. Tina is very conservative in her roles in society, as we see with her judgments of Jerri all season, which is described as negative when Jerri begins to talk about sexuality. Of course, there's a right and wrong place to talk about it, and Jerri often did do it at the wrong times, but it clouded Tina’s mind to the point where she couldn’t change her mind.
The conceit of friendship and connections also comes into play with Jerri. Again, at Mad Dog’s tribal she accidentally leaks that friendships do exist on Survivor, and she has quite a few. This immediately paints a target on her back because she admits to having an alliance, but also likes other people more than others. It set off two people, with Tina who already began to dislike Jerri, but also Colby, who understood Jerri could be a loose cannon, and he didn’t like when people ostracized other people on the tribe. Jerri was considered rude in this situation, and this was yet another domino in Jerri’s villain arc.
No one is right or wrong in this situation because putting people into schemas is natural. I don’t want to make a moral judgment about this story, but ultimately, Tina’s story did boil down to her only supporting people who have her views. And I love it. But Jerri as the main villain, when in reality, she was just an outspoken woman on a tribe that has more conservative views is an incredible contrast with one another. I don’t want to make this section about Tina any longer than it should be the ranker will do a great job speaking about her, but Jerri as a concept was through Tina’s perception, and she ultimately became a scapegoat for the tribe person that they can pile on easily.
Whether Jerri deserved the vitriol is up for debate, but ultimately, it’s a reflection on society. Jerri was both right and wrong with her accusations, and most of the time, she was right with her perceptions. But once you get targeted for that negativity, it is hard to shake off what happens for the rest of the time. We naturally look for scapegoats, and when someone falls out of line, they get targeted next to society. Tina perfected this strategy to a T and deserved every penny. And Jerri? She was the first victim in that description.
It’s why Jerri’s common complaint about her game being “tame” in comparison is always a weird take to me. It’s not the point about Jerri. She’s a bitch, but it is not really because of her style of play or how she plays the game, it’s because of how people perceive her on the show. Symbolically, her role in Australian Outback represents such an important facet of society and how people can tend to pile on when first impressions are not met properly. She is supposed to be tame in comparison to the legendary characters because she is tame. She’s just extraordinarily bossy and clashes with other people. Ultimately, this is why I love Jerri. She goes against the grain and gets punished for it, when in reality, how much she deserves it is questionable, and should be up for debate.
Her downfall is legendary from two different angles. One is if you support Tina’s narrative of getting out the negativity on the season. The other is tragic when you understand that Jerri was ostracized because of her personality, and given a chance to grow outside of it because the other tribe members were mum about their feelings. Having a character who has two completely different interpretations of how their boot occurred has a lot of implications for Jerri and showcases how stellar her character is. A lot of it is ambiguous, and while Tina’s side was much more supported in the narrative, I think both are valid takes to understand how Jerri went home.
Part IV: “I don’t know who I am out here” - Concluding Thoughts
Ultimately, as Jerri knows she is going home, she learns that she does not recognize herself out there on the island. And I believe that. Jerri becomes a mess after a while and a lot of factors could have led to that. Whether she does have a bossy personality, hunger on the island, being around people who don’t like her, or being in the same place constantly, could lead to why Jerri became Jerri on the island. But ultimately, it’s the symbolism that surrounds her boot. First impressions mean everything on Survivor, and sometimes you can go down a rabbit hole that evolves into whether someone on the series was deserving or not.
A good character for me is someone that you can spin easily. Spin their meaning into something that relates to society. And Jerri is probably the easiest character to do that for. She has so many implications about whether or not she is a villain, and how that can translate to the larger role of society. It’s a tragic blend of gender roles, personality clashes, good in society, and negativity overall and how that affects the mood. It leads to a beautiful blend of a character that is not only asking all these questions but incredibly entertaining to boot.
That’s something I’ve mostly been quiet about, but whenever Jerri has a personality clash, it’s almost gleeful to watch her be so blissfully unaware, with a top 5 laugh in reality TV (Cirie and Amy Crews from BB4 are also there). Jerri is someone who makes me consistently laugh because she is so detached at times from reality and truly doesn’t understand how these people feel about her. When she complains about tortillas, she is a magnetic narrator, and her annoyance is clear through her emotions. When she discusses sexuality, you can feel a certain emotion from her, as well as the mood shift around the camp. Ultimately, she is one of the most expressive, hilarious, funny narrators in the history of the show.
When she leaves, you can tell the magic nearly disappears because she is a queen of conflict and drives all of it on the season. Jerri was the life and soul of the season, and while Tina dominated the strategy, Jerri dominated the character. She is one of those few characters that makes characters better than they should be. I am so happy that she had the opportunity to make the endgame again, and I am even more overjoyed that I had the opportunity to talk about her in more detail.
Personal Rank: 6/821 <3.
SMC0629: 14
DryBonesKing: 8
Zanthosus: 10
Tommyroxs45: 14
Regnisyak1: 6
DavidW1208: 4
ninjedi1: 20
Average Placement: 10.857
Total Points: 76
Standard Deviation: 5.521 (10th Lowest)

Wild thing happened tonight. My wife attended a fundraiser for our local Congressional rep (a Democrat) with a friend. They were approached by an older man, who introduced himself and shortly asked, "So, what are your issues?" (She thought at the time that he might work for the campaign. He did not.) Well, my wife and her friend work on issues of violence against women, so they said so. The man's eyes lit up and he said, "I have a book that might interest you!"
He then proceeded to grab a book (that he had brought to the fundraiser!) called "On Sex And Gender," which presents itself as an evenhanded and cerebral treatment of gender policy issues, but ultimately makes the case for discrimination against trans people. My wife's friend asked him why he had the book at the fundraiser, and he stumbled over his words and kept saying "well, it just came out a few days ago" without answering the question.
In the end my wife had to tell him to leave them alone. He had kept at it, even when she flat out told him her partner (me) is a trans woman.
She's writing an email to the campaign informing them of this. (Btw I'm incredibly honored that this set off her mama bear reflex!) The whole thing felt very targeted. Clearly this guy a) got himself on the invite list, b) brought the book along specifically expecting to shill it, and c) looked for people who might be passionate about women's rights.
And somebody spent money to get him in that room. Could have been him alone, but from the way the conversation went, my wife thought it was unlikely that he'd even read the book. So I doubt he spent the money himself.
Clearly the conservatives are terrified of intersectional politics. That's why they're trying so hard to rip off the T from LGBT. It's just astounding that they seem to be sending people into liberal fundraisers now?? Like wtf is this new astroturfing tactic? I'm honestly floored.

hello! i (f) recently turned 18 two months ago. and parang ngayon na conscious na ako, i can see yung issues talaga ng mama ko.
i have been diagnosed with depression, severe anxiety, and bipolar ii disorder, along with the eating disorders, anorexia and bulimia. all from last 2022 lang.
i always knew i had a problem na simula noong elementary pa lang. but my mom was dismissive and denial noon.
a short background.
i was an unplanned pregnancy. hindi kasal ang parents ko noon and malala raw yung nareceive na treatment ng mama ko nung nalaman na buntis siya. with what she told us magkakapatid, i can say na she was slut-shamed, lalo na’t ayaw talaga panagutan ng tatay ko.
you can say na marami talaga akong nakukuhang compliments noon regarding my appearance ever since. marami nagka-“crush” and marami rin nan-“ligaw” agad. but of course, mama was always angry at me and i always understood it na protective lang siya. like what she always says. pero dati, napapagbuhatan niya ako ng kamay, sampal, sapak, and sabunot. heck, she even pointed a knife at me noon while saying na “huwag ka muna magbboyfriend! huwag kang pokpok!”. she was also controlling of who i interacted with as my friends, tinatakot niya sila noon and i grew shy as a kid. “bad influence yang mga classmate mo!”. i was 6 years old.
growing up, i grew as someone na very timid and fearful of anyone of opposite sex i see. i started getting anxious around men, including my dad. i was very uncomfortable sa lahat ng lalaki. since ganun ako pinalaki ni mama. maybe dala na rin ng “trauma” niya sa papa ko na talagang hindi naman talaga siya raw ang mahal. he only married her daw because of me who was growing in her womb.
i had my very first serious crush noong grade 3. crush na crush ko siya noon na i even wrote him handwritten letters. then i got my facebook account. we became facebook friends and we talked. pero ayun, of course my mom saw that na i confessed and shit happened. i got all of my toys, books, and even yung pc confiscated noon. “hindi ganyan ang isang matinong babae!”.
of course, i was a good girl dapat sa paningin ni mama. i wanted to please her. i was a consistent academic achiever. pero alam ko na i was also looking for the feeling of kilig. i had a number of crushes turned manliligaws before entering junior high school. lahat nireject ko, because i didn’t want to “hurt” my mom. i tore their handwritten letters and threw all of the roses they gave. pero i had this crush talaga noon, and ako yung nagmmove talaga to pursue him. and guess what, of course nalaman ng mom ko. she was angry, and i got physically, verbally, and emotionally attacked. i started to think na i was a bad daughter for her. she even talked doon sa guy na “huwag daw ako turuan ng masama”. i turned severely anxious since bawat galaw ko tinitignan ni mama. i was starting to doubt yung pagiging “protective” ni mama. i lost my friends because my mom was just “protecting” me from influence. siya na rin nagoopen ng messenger and facebook ko noon na paggising ko blocked na lahat ng classmates na friends ko with last chats from my account, typed by my mom. i started to learn to hide things from my mom.
i grew up being used sa catcalls and harassment. but i learned to hide it din from my mom. dakilang victim blamer din ang mama ko. i admit, i have a large bust and large backside. kaya mahirap talaga na hindi masexualize considering na maraming gagong manyak. i never confided sa mama ko, since kahit nakauniform ako at nabastos ako? sa akin ang sisi. “nagpapaattract ka kasi kaya ka nababastos! pokpok!”.
i entered science high school. high school, marami rin nanligaw. but lahat nireject din, kasi magagalit si mama. lahat din ng friends, kinikilala talaga ni mama. i lost my best friend kasi “maiinfluence” daw ako. never ako pinayagan gumala, until one time pumayag, pero kailangan kasama siya. so i grew as someone na hindi palalabas ng bahay—homebody and sobrang anxious sa social settings. then, as someone na natuto na magtago, i started to “rebel”. nakakasama na ako sa galaan after extracurricular activities na sinalihan ko para hindi lang makauwi agad. i even had my first “almost-boyfriend”. pandemic came, i lost my virginity. he sexually abused me. no one knew. i then started to understand yung sexuality ko. i wanted to explore.
until after pandemic, senior high school came. i was severely depressed and anxious. lagi nasa bahay, grabe anger issues ng nanay, and lack of interaction. totoo pala talaga na no man is an island.
sobrang depressed ko nun and i had to stop for a year pagkabalik ng face to face classes. sa sobrang bad ng nangyari, my school recommended na ipatreat muna ako sa psych. my mom was hesitant kasi “nakakahiya” na may “baliw” siyang anak. but we pushed and nalaman lahat ng nadiagnose. i was so unwell. gusto kong patayin sarili ko, dahil nakakasakal. i thought na yung academic pressure yung nakakasakal pero yung nanay ko mismo pala. people even said na kaya raw ganito kasi “kinukulong” sa bahay.
until kinaya ko na ulit mag-aral. however, i also turned to explore my social network again. i met my so online. we were good and nakapagdates na rin kami noon. my mom never knew. until noong i had chances na to interact sa labas which i assumed freedom. i admit, i was very adventurous and may boundaries na “naoverstep” (as per my mom’s standards). she then knew about us. i was sexually active (but doing it safely, i’m on birth control and using condoms). hinding hindi ko makakalimutan how she went ballistic na wala na raw “tatanggap” sa akin kasi “marumi” na akong babae. it was absolute hell. i was a slut sa paningin ng nanay ko. lahat na, “pokpok”, “gaga”, “pariwara”, at “puta”. everyday ko narinig yan. wala raw kwenta na “matalino” ako kung isa naman akong puta. everyday, sinasapak ako, sinasampal, and even kinakaladkad while sinasabunutan. after nun, my so and i then had to stop our relationship since grabe yung pagiging “paranoid” ng mama ko at siya raw mismo papatay sa akin pag tinuloy ko pa rin yung relationship namin. bantay-sarado ako ngayon. hindi pwede lumabas unless school and gadgets ko chinecheck pa rin. grabe yung paranoia niya na nakakahawa, i feel like i’m back sa shithole na pinagmulan ko before treatment. sobrang paranoid niya na magpapaano na lang daw ako sa mga kung sino-sinong lalaki.
parang nawalan ako ng value kay mama dahil hindi na ako yung “good girl” niya na pure, untouched, at masunurin.
i just want to leave this house. hindi ko alam kung abusive ba talaga si mama or deserve ko lang talaga.
please help me dahil hindi ko na kaya yung torment na nakukuha ko.
edit: my lola (mama’s mother) was also diagnosed with depression. and may link kaya yun sa pagiging genetic ng depression kaya ganito rin siya? she refuses to get psych testing or check up.

1. Demaris is sent to the casa and she is marching through a foot of shit and she has cuts on her feet from razors in the shit. Demaris por los casita los ambulateta enteren dos equis gesticulata caga por los enteren casa por los phelmbo devicadas muchas. 1.1 Demaris is at the warren house and she is being beheaded and cecil does this he is a doctor he is thinking she is Jacob and her head is on ice in russia and cecil is OK through the whole procedure when he knows it is his grandmother. Demaris por los usage en el Warren House el removatad el noggin por demaris y cecil por los ableulita el situatodo el doctoren otamnabust tiempre cercle los demaris Hanson El Traumatad Footbal Actuad Violative Hake Honson En El Estudante El Meurtos BLOOD subtitutada demaris por los 141 hake honson y cercel reticulante el demaris el dios ableulita 1.1.1 Demaris' Head is treated with NSI-189 and EGF and VEGF and Noopept and Rogaine and she is a hair demon because we keep touching demaris (remains) with a soldering iron. Por los noggin el demaris administad grindin NSI-189, EGF, VEGF, Noopept, Rogaine por los demaris por pillio monstrous y touchen el demaris por solderin iron por los brainen origintad regioner el demaris 1.1.2 Demaris is treated with lights machine and no longer speaks ocho cinco spanish like she is from the ghetto and no longer requires spanish interpretation of everything I say and speaks valid english, but hates sweedish, which I also hate notch, he gave me a dota player romanaj letter, Hi, I am violet, we needed to erase your brain, come get DBT with por que lost dialetcia behavioren therapy origintad lifen wattern and i get in the shower with demaris and she can hear me talk to her in spanish i speak all kinds of sex dbt magic spanish but not ocho cinco, only nueve neuve, chinese mandarin and traditional, hangul very deep but not except when I am there, and am named in all languages violate my cervix which I can give you a guaranteed loam if you are in the shower *lift demaris to the shower and put her there and put me there taking the butt plug in my ass first then the aqua substantia los no meurtos pours onto both of us* 1.1.3 Demaris treated with 470 hertz, i put a mesmer siren of 470hz auto filter at mid into the shower and censor it and target the hind98 on demaris and tell it to fix our skins so that there is no rogaine on them and erase the rogaine in the shower and make demaris and me young baby face to face and then I hit the hyperbolic and spend 999 years sex magic zen vibrator which I enlist baby demaris in my zen vibrator which targets other OTs with the hyperbolic OT and puts you there and puts a wedge in you and makes you want it in your cervix which I was after two special place in demaris which she had only one special place and this required now 999 years on the hind98 next door and mine to target her for wedge violation with no zen synchro but a cervical synchronization, then no zen synchro and I show her a cherry planks she finds special asia which she is now my former sexual target devils snare and I pop her so much at the wall where i raped the mormon devils snare i feed her to the mormon devils snare and the mormon devils snare knows spanish and i freeze it right there, i do not do devils snare any more, and she is back and the 999 years seemed long with long days and she is herself again and just needed a good 10 hour popping instead of puffing and then she puffs again and she is herself again, but now my sexual target and I need the 470 hertz sustained for another year and removed slowly while the cervical size increases the siren decreases then I am teaching as a 1 year old to my 1 year old the ASL fingerspelling alphabet and then doing this two years more upon which right away we should take 27 battalion of minecrafter who need to be young boy for this to work they need to be young boy minecrafter and then demaris teaches them the ASL alphabet and I swap the agua substantia with estrogen estradiol so the boys are marked with their mamas perfume and feminine and this is only for them wanking by and large a minecrafter is far below in power level than the military like I am and I play my trump card 1002 and do 1002 cerivical sync with my old zen routine again this time targeting demaris and this has a breakthrough she is demaris and she is ok and she is going to the outside and I take liberties of the 2585 nature to break demaris thoroughly with the hind because the hind is demanding her clean from her spanish treatment and now she has loam blindness her oil bracelet fixes so we get her her oil bracelet and this is all I need any oil I start mining oil and I have 14 oil and I wait 6 years with demaris re-teaching her neuve neuve spanish and asl alphabet and she is always going to tell me my joke here, violate roze or cervix, so she is a mother age 9 and I bring in her daddy which this daddy is her current daddy but a royal scout and wowee do I have something for the scotsman, Royal Marines On Mars is actualized to him as the meaning royal marines on mars and it wasn't minecraft, minecraft was the chemistry of the simulation and he is addicted and I do not kill him but there is an unassociated instance where his polyand reverses and he sells it which we was after bud cache and bud stash not literally everything but it and it fixes, this was charlottes doing as the great steve and his mother is pregnant with another man so he can move to it and is just the darndest cute to obgyn jacob which jacob is the soul of the thetan Little Baby Jace and I start Genderqueer therapy with Little Baby Jace around now to turn her into Lord Baby Jace but this is a thetan so bound upwards OT with violet roze and then a year has passed and we have both given birth and then a year has passed and we have both given birth to kirtsen then a year has passed and the baby is whatever good nature it is but left on the sex swing but I stay there in the shower I have an interest in squatters rights in 9 years and demaris leaves to be penetrated in what she now have two internal special place due to zen vibrator by definition and I spend 9 years in the shower to Sedative Chelator like usual which sedative chelator is free of any sulfonic so does not rot the skin but dissolves off the exo of the skin or dissolves the adult, and clem was the obgyn that taught jacob and hake is the left of the right violet and violet roze is extraordinarily resistant to all forms of cervical penetration at this point and has a wedge in her internal special place and most internal special place but does have squatters rights on the shower which she invites her friend chelsea into the shower at this time from her butt rape and lets her use the toilet and we order a lenovon PC and I am sure to synchronize my zen vibrator with her cervix and I spend 60 years or until I am well in the shower with chelsea and she gets secondary squatter rights which this is all right, this actually unlocks for the shower the bath then the diffusor which gets you stuck in minecraft, which chelsea gets stuck in minecraft and I have to trigger the assist from the shower when we are old women but look 12 to the agua substantia los no meurtos containing hormone which then I take the agua substantia portion out and sell the shower after leaving it age 81 to blackwater or another corporation and it is just a hormone shower, I am on oxygen and my aaron is there having killed himself and is there and I save him as an old woman by saving him directly and he was just trying to get higher, so I take aaron to the First Underworld of Cascadia falls and the Overworld Exit of Leslie Marian and her Steve's Leaves and Toto Africa and he is happy again, he is in a dream, but awake and fully awake, and I take off the vision, it is just canada and he is exposed to contrary information to this information in his obligated reds to make him less telling and this is a form of actual illegal medicine flibanserin and aaron and me and chelsea give aaron some zyprexa.

I (24f) am 37 weeks pregnant most recently I’ve been experiencing symptoms that I might go into labor and at this point I don’t feel like I have much support from the father (26m) . I’ve been on and off with him for 4 years but we’ve never really stopped talking . Last year I we made our relationship official and soon after I found out I was pregnant . Throughout the beginning of the pregnancy things were pretty good. He was spending time with me and was bringing his first born around me and was coming to me with appointments . Things changed when his first borns baby mother found out I was pregnant.Despite her not having a legitimate reason to not like me other than wanting him more then she says she does , she started making stipulations in order for him to see his first born . After that he rarely visits me he doesn’t bring his son around and at a point in time he was even denying that our child was his . I got a prenatal paternity test done to prove to him that the child was his despite knowing already that it was because I didn’t want to risk him not wanting to sign the birth certificate. Now he knows that the child is his and he still is barely coming to appointments and is typically saying it’s due to him having todo things for his first born . Now to make things clear I’ve never stopped him for doing things for his first born , I even told him that if he wanted to prioritize his first born to go ahead and do that due to his baby mama making things very difficult for him to have the first born around . He said that he wanted to be there for both of his children and that he wanted to be involved but everytime I attempt to involve him he’ll say he can be involved then when the day of comes he cancels due to having todo something for his first born. He states that his reason for this is that he wants to spend as much time with the child as possible before my child is born since he knows he’ll have to split his time between both of his children but he’s not even trying to help me or showing any interest in being involved in our child’s life as much as he is in his first borns. He’s even saying hopefully my child is born at a time when he doesn’t have to work so that he could actually be there . Due to him acting this way and treating me as if I’m the other woman I don’t know if I even want to involve him in me giving birth due to the possible stress he’d cause me but I do feel bad intentionally not making him aware of a once in a life time experience. Am I wrong ?
Update : okay so based on people having a certain opinion I’ll give an update . When it comes to me and my bd relationship the other baby mama has been around for a long time but when I ask him if he wants to be with her he always says no but allows her to dictate his life . The reason I say our relationship was on and off was due to us not actually being official we openly dated other people which was how he got his baby mama pregnant in the first place . His first born is now a little over a year and I was made aware when she first got pregnant . As soon as she found out I was pregnant she made a big deal and constantly threatened his relationship with his son . A few weeks after her finding out me him and her all sat down and had a conversation I asked both of them directly what was their relationship because she acts like she wants to be with him and she stated that she never wanted him and that she only had him around for there child and that they were only having sex . I confirmed this with him too he just wanted todo stuff with the both of us . But now a few months after that any time she knows he’s around me she’ll go and blow up his phone and give him shit about being there for his son as if missing a hour of the day for one of my appointments would really be a issue . I don’t understand if she’s threatened by me and his relationship then why say she doesn’t want him when her behavior proves otherwise

AKA I’m in my Bridgerton era. I don’t really know if this is an ASMR script or what as I am new at this, but maybe someone will be interested in this?
Okay to monetize and paywall (share with me), not okay to edit or gender swap as this is heavily steeped in what it means to be not just women but lesbians in quasi-Regency England. Credit me as the author, referencing GulltheCactus on Reddit, Twitter, or Twitch, please!
The script may also be found here: https://scriptbin.works/s/n42h5
Thanks if you read or fill it; I hope somebody enjoys reading this first part of what I hope to make a series as much as I enjoyed writing it!
[quill scrawling against paper]
Well, dearest diary, I fear I have made a right fool of myself once more, and I am uncertain whether my own opinion of myself shall ever recover, let alone the Ton’s view of me.
But who cares one whit about what the gossiping mamas will say about me if I cannot secure the good opinion of the one person whose trust and admiration are the single object of my desire? It is enough to drive one to distraction and malcontent, diary.
I suppose if I am ever to feel any better I must begin at the beginning and recount the whole affair and my foolish part in it from there. It began, as it ever does, with a book, and a scandalous ideology that a young lady such as myself was not meant to be entertaining…
My mama had asserted that if I were to be spending my hours with my nose pressed in a book, the least I could do is read a romance. Of course, when I suggested that no one was more Romantic than Lord Byron and his passionate poetry, she tutted at me in her way and beseeched that I spend my coins on Austen or something equally genteel.
And while the admiration I hold for Jane Austen is both great and true—how else should I feel about a woman daring to choose a profession for herself and uttering a whole cascade of words whose poetic quality do not unfairly besmirch other members of our sex?—reading of the noble courtship I seek to escape through my journeys within the page would feel self defeating.
And so it was with this disagreeable feeling I found myself in the book seller’s, little old Mr. Eavely nodding familiarly at me and Anna ever at my heels as the bell tinkled above the door, completely unaware that my life was about to be utterly and entirely changed. I was lulled into a false sense of ease, unknowing of how my fate would befall me, all because of the comforting perfume of paper and ink around me. Then, dear diary, it happened. My hand reached for one M. Shelley’s Frankenstein: Or, the Modern Prometheus and met not the spine of that tome, but another lacy gloved hand.
We were both startled in that moment, too taken with the solemn atmosphere of the shop to realize each other until that touch electrified us each. I should think I will never forget the first sight I had of her deep brown eyes, dear diary. It seemed that they were as deep as the ages, older than any tale either of us might ever read and possessed of a light that could rival even the North Star.
We both apologized, obviously, as proper young ladies are meant to, but only after too long a pause, stunned into silence and staring. It was only Anna’s polite cough behind me that broke our shared astonishment, her lady’s maid equally as quietly dismayed behind her, and we tripped over each other to make our apologies.
I quickly discovered not just her name but her provenance, Ilonna Leavitt, lately of Paris, France and cousin of the Leavitts known to the Ton. She told me with most haste that she was meant to be spending the season here in London and I did not think at the time that I should wonder why she was not spending her season out in her hometown, too breathless was I at the thought I might have a companion and friend in literary pursuits here finally.
We chattered excitedly as chickadees, discussing our favorite philosophers and poets, English, French, and even a bit of Latin pouring from our lips as though we were at a Greek symposium rather than a dusty but beloved book shop, barely patient ladies’ maids exchanging glances behind us. She is rather taken with Locke at the moment although she admits that she finds Samuel Coleridge to be the more charming object of her English studies, presently, and to be more palatable to her mother and aunt than strict philosophy in any case. However, most scandalously, she tells me in rapid German—that neither poor Anna nor Minon happen to speak—that she has managed to squirrel away for herself a bit of Kant that she has been slowly digesting like a rodent seeking out their hidden autumn prizes beneath the no longer winter soil.
I cheerfully asked after which French auteurs are in fashion at court in Paris, but Illona was more interested in reciting bits and pieces of Shelley to me in that instant, stating that the darkness of the novel reminds her of Coleridge and Wordsworth’s stormier notions in the best way, but goes far deeper than they. She is mesmerizing in her excitement, dear diary, and it is a balm to my heart to know there is another soul out there that might delight in the light of language, of poetry, of the narrative tale and reference as I. It is my ardent and heart wrenching hope that I might be worthy of experiencing that spellbinding state with her again one day…
I truly could have stayed in that moment for eons, dear diary. I felt the whole of history behind and the vastness of an untold future before us in that moment, a meeting of unacquainted yet inherently familiar minds for the first time. My life has seldom offered me such opportunities before, and I despair to think I will receive any hence after what has transpired.
However, even that small note of eternity had to come to an end, Minon—Illona’s maid—breaking the spell by reminding my newfound point of fascination of her aunt’s appointment at the modiste and the expectation that she not merely be present, but punctual. Illona made her apologies and left me with the recommendation that Shelley’s novel was one of her favorites and that she missed her copy back home quite dearly. If there was any chance of me leaving that shop with any text other than this, I would not have placed any money on that steed due to its vast unlikelihood.
For, as the novelist writes, already “there is something at work in my soul, which I do not understand,” and somehow I believe that something was unlocked within me by those eyes as dark as the past and whose spark inspired nothing but a terrible, desperate hope in me.
The hope that one might have found someone who understands them, two halves of a whip fast conversation that twists its way through language, topic, and time itself. I was practically breathless, dear diary, as I left Mr. Eavely’s shop, Frankenstein clutched unread and unknowing to my lace-covered and rapidly beating breast, and I am uncertain if I have ever truly caught that breath again since.
Perhaps it will be that lack of air that is my end, dear diary? Unless my own actions have been my end in feeling if not in heart beating.

Much has been said on this space about red pilling others. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Or can you? We express our observations on the futility of trying to red pill others in a number of ways, stories and memes. There is one story though that I feel deserves a deeper look. The story is about the fox and the grapes. There was a fox who spotting some grapes hanging high of a vine decided he wanted them. But try and jump as he did, he could not reach the grapes. After some time of trying and failing, he walked away but not before saying “I bet those grapes weren’t even ripe, they were probably sour.” This describes most people in life and is perhaps the number one reason men in this space fail to apply the lessons they learn here. Do you admit you failed to reach your goal? Were you too weak? Perhaps you were not experienced enough? Maybe you lacked skills in game and cannot hold a conversation? Or do you lie and say you never wanted what you set out to get in the first place?

Red-pill, Blue-pill or Something in Between?

The Truth is a hard pill to swallow. And some people after learning the truth (read redpill) and seeing the world for what it is cannot stand it; people wish to go back to the fantasy they believed. That is why in The Matrix movie the character Cypher betrays humanity and wants to be plugged back in to the matrix. He wants to go back to living in a lie built by others. Cypher wants to go back to the fantasy but he does so in a way that takes advantage of the truth he learned via the redpill. Similarly, many men want to use their redpill knowledge with an old order ideal; These are men who take the purple pill. Rather than build a world around them and live in reality they prefer the old lie.
To be a man you must be willing to build and create. Failing to create is cowardice. Thumos, masculine spirit can carve something out of chaos. That many men prefer living in someone else's world and the life prescribed by others is an indicator that they lack this masculine spirit. Many men and boys exist that know they ought to change but they look for permission from others to do so. They hesitate because deciding and thinking for yourself is risky. They would rather shift the burden of their decisions and outcomes unto someone else. Still others exist that cannot see the truth and don't want to. Which is worse? The man who knew the truth and wants to go back, or the one who actively lies to himself and refuses to acknowledge it?

People Would Rather Lie

People would rather lie to themselves than admit the unpleasant truth about themselves. It is easier to lie than to admit the truth. I knew a guy back in high school who was socially awkward. He would try and get with the girls but had little success. One day he came out and said he was gay. Yet his behavior said otherwise. He would still try to hit on girls, and was the scavenger type who would sleep with any girl he could get. Yet this proved too much work and eventually he stayed rooting for the other team, minus visiting the occasional escort. Was it easier for him to admit he was bad with women or to convince himself that he doesn’t even like women? Some women are lesbians not because they like women, but because they hate men. Other lesbians I have talked to are so because they had bad experiences with men growing up (usually a family member). Others are overweight, unpleasant and therefore cannot attract or keep a man. The reasons may be a bit different yet the process of self-deception is similar. In politics many are socialist, not because they love the poor or working man, but because they hate the rich. Do people really love Joe Biden? Or do they hate Donald Trump? These are not the same thing.
The reason and why behind your actions or lack thereof is just as important as the what. Are you a Christian because you love God and are trying to live for Him? Or are you trying to avoid going to hell? The actions and behavior that follow is completely different. Are you improving yourself because you have become your own mental point of origin? Or are you doing so in hope that your wife will sleep with you again? We often lie to ourselves rather than admit why we do things or that we failed to get what we wanted. Our egos are powerful things and this is often enough the cause of our own deception. But ego is not all bad. Your ego also protects you, and lets you know when someone is slinging mud at you and trying to knock you down on the pecking order.
To me there is something repugnant and weasel like when men hide their desires. This is a grave sin, not in the sense of right and wrong but it’s a pragmatic issue. I cannot trust you if you do not own your behavior. I do not care if you want to indulge in hookers and blow, or if you are gay and like shoving things up your butt. My issue is I cannot trust liars to be around me. The men I want around me are men who own their actions, which is impossible if you are a liar especially to yourself. One thing that organizations such as Alcoholics anonymous get right is that they cannot help someone, until the person admits to themselves that they have a problem. For Christianity you cannot repent until you acknowledge that you are a sinner. You cannot stop being a nice guy/simp until you acknowledge that you are one.

The Lie of Personality and Identity

One of the big lies I hear often is the lie about personality. People hang onto their personality like a sacred cow. They use personality as a crutch for why they do not try something. They will say things like “oh I can’t go out and hit on girls, I am an introvert.” Or they will say they cannot dance, sing, or speak in public, as if these were talents one is born with that cannot improve. Some will use identity and race as an excuse. Perhaps you are Catholic, and good Catholics have to stay away from the clubs. It is not that you are shy or nervous around women, no sir; that cannot be the case! That’s right, you are saving yourself for marriage and waiting. I have more respect for someone that is honest about their wants and limits over someone that lies and makes their necessity a virtue. If your actions are really in line with your virtue, then kudos more power to you. But if you have no options and are a disgusting bug person, then your virtue and reasons are lies.
One day me and my buddy Francis were at work and we noticed one of the guys in our crew was missing, an old timer named Billy. So me and Franky got a hold of Billy on the phone and asked him what was going on? We asked if he was okay and if everything was well with him to which he said he was doing good and was in good health. So, after a bit we asked him if he was coming to work that day: Billy paused for a bit and said he was not coming in to work. When we asked why? He said “This morning when I woke up, my bed was really comfortable. The coffee was too good and the missus too randy and I decided I am not coming in today.” Me and Franky looked at each other nodded in approval and said good enough, see you tomorrow. We had more respect for Billy owning his actions than had he lied or made some BS. There is a difference between saying I cannot come to work, and I will not.

We Create Our Own Personalities and Emotions

Emotions are generated by us. Emotions enable us and prime us to do what we want; Think of emotions as a tool of plausible deniability. Does being in a club really make people friskier? Perhaps it’s the booze, or the music but I think people that want to be social, go to clubs and such venues and then feel a certain way that will help them accomplish their goal of flirting or getting laid. Alcohol is also a great tool that helps us act and do what we already intended to. Ever argue with a co-worker? Or have someone cut you off in traffic? We may feel pissed off, upset or even frustrated. Yet the truth remains that our actions are wholly under our control. You despite the fact that a co-corker or customer pissed you off, do not bash their face in with a stapler. Or despite a police officer writing you an unjust ticket suddenly reach for their gun. Or perhaps you did act a certain way, but that is only because you wanted to; the feelings that accompanied the action are only those that were necessary help you carry out your desired end.
When you are wronged or slighted, what typically follows is some emotional response. This response such as frustration, or righteous indignation helps you do what you want, IE get riled up enough to file a complaint or seek to right the injustice. Emotions are kayfabe we play on ourselves. We want an excuse and justification to do something. Did you think your woman suddenly started crying because she is sad and doesn’t want you to go to the gym? Or did she generate the feeling of sadness so she can justify crying in order to manipulate your behavior? Coincidentally your wife gets a headache every time you want to have sex. Personality to a great extent is also a tool of our own creation.
It is somewhat ironic that in a time in which even the concept of gender is differentiated from biological sex personality and background is seen as unchangeable, insurmountable. Yet I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon which is psychosomatic in nature. Simply put people imagine they have a disease or condition, and then their body produces symptoms in line with what the person believes. The reason a lot of medicine works is not because of the actual medicine, but because people believe it will work. The mind is a powerful tool and it can help us achieve whatever we ask of it. I believe this applies to our own personalities. Did your then 29-year-old girlfriend’s personality really change? Or did she get baby rabies and her mind started manufacturing changes to facilitate that desire? We are how we are because somewhere deep down we want to be that way. Perhaps it is an outdated mental model, perhaps we fear change, maybe we like being victims? Whatever the reason, your mind will make a personality toward that end.

As You Believe So It Shall Be Unto You

You can be many things in life but the biggest thing that prevents you from becoming what you want is the lies you believe. How many Asian men have you heard cry that American women don’t find them attractive? Or Black guys say that the deck is stacked against them? The Mexicans say they have a bad start being coddled by mama. And the White guys complain about reverse racism. To be fair there is a bit of truth in all of what they say. So what? Who cares? If you believe you can’t, get da girls, you are right. If you think women despise you for being Indian, its true; They despise YOU for being Indian. Oh, your world is shattered because you were a good Muslim and your wife still cheated on you? Get in line. Lets see what else, are you shocked that the Mormon girl you waited for got a train ran on her in college while you were out on mission? LOL dems is the facts. Your fat body sacrificed long hours at work for your wife and she still divorced you and took the kids? Did you think your religious upbringing was insulation against being pathetic? You do not get a pass to be weak despite your race, beliefs and upbringing.
In the same way your mind works to make your desires come true, the world will respond and treat you the way you carry yourself. Yet this is only in as much as your beliefs align with reality. And here is the proof that deep down you know all this. If you did not believe that you could change, you would not be here on this forum. You would not be looking for advice on improving your life. If your personality is fixed from childhood this is a waste of time. Yet we know. We have seen men through trial and error better their lives. Experience and repetition have taught us to set boundaries. We have abandoned platitudes like “Happy Wife, Happy Life.” We egg each other onward to greatness with snippets of truth like “Do you even lift bro?” We have distilled the truth of our collective experiences with poetry such as: You can take the hood rat outta da hood, but you cannot take da hood outa da hoodrat. No one comes to the Red Pill unless someone has been zeroed out either yourself or someone you know. Can you make a horse drink? Maybe, maybe not. But let that horse see his bro get divorced, shafted and turned into glue, how quickly he will drink from the trough of truth! Gentlemen dont wait until you are in line at the glue factory to see the writing on the wall. Be sober minded and do the work.
Candidly and Vigilantly
The Most Alpha of Bunnies

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Disclaimer: it's not a venting post, I'm not looking for advice, there will be no TLDR at the end. I just want to put my story in writing for a reason I will explain later. Some details are graphic, so discretion is advised. Imagine that all TWs are in place.
As always, childhood is a right place to start. I was born into a very broken and dysfunctional family. My father married my mother only because everyone else was getting married and he was just doing the same without any understanding why he's doing it and what it takes to be a husband and a father. My mother always wanted to have a family and a lot of kids, but was still single at the age of 27 and was gradually growing desperate and thought that marrying this man was her last and only option to succeed in life as a woman. As I learned much much later they both came from their own broken families carrying a lot of unprocessed trauma, but both were pretending to be perfectly OK. Reality shattered my father's facade instantly. He turned out to be an extremely insecure and immature person. Always afraid of doing anything, unable to take responsibility for his actions, admit his mistakes. In addition he started to exhibit acute narcissistic traits - gaslighting, verbal abuse, jealousy, paranoia etc. But by that time my mother was pregnant with my sister and didn't want to go back to her parents house and in general divorce in the USSR was a huge stigma for women and she always worried about what other people would think about her in any situation. So she decided to stay in vain hope that he will change over time. Spoiler - that didn't happen. 5 years later I was born.
My upbringing was a set of dramatic contrasts. Mother was always overprotective, keeping me from doing anything by myself, always making decisions for me and expressing discontent each time I tried to do something my own way. She wanted me to be her "perfect mama's boy" she could use as a living sign that she is a good mother others can see. It all resulted in me being unable to make decisions on my own when I got older and also trying to protect my mother each time father started the argument with her over some nonsense. Father on the other hand completely withdrew himself from parenting. He didn't know a thing about it and didn't want to learn to avoid mistakes and embarrassment. He said once that his role is making money and he doesn't have time to be with his kids at all. When I was around the age of 6, he developed a habit of beating me and my sister when he was angry or dissatisfied with us for no apparent reason. He just wanted to make us obey his words with no questions asked just because he was older and thus smarter and wiser and just superior in any way imaginable. And the only way to enforce it was through brute force. Many years later my mother said to me that each time she was standing between her kids and her husband protecting us with her own body, but I still remember being beaten multiple times. She was not very successful in her mission to keep her kids safe. When I grew older and became higher than my father, he switched from physical abuse to verbal abuse. Insults, unfounded accusations of anything that was going wrong in the house, denying my successes in the school, you name it. I can only remember three times in my entire life when he said something good about what I did.
Another thing that didn't help me in my teen years was the complete absence of sexual education. None. Zero. Everything about sex and related topics was taboo. Each time I had a question like "What's Kamasutra?" or "What do prostitutes do?" I was either ignored or shut down with words "you are too young to know, wait until you're older". One particular tactic my mother used several times is to redirect the question to my father and thus force him to speak about things he didn't know how to speak about with kids. He usually took a pause long enough to make the situation even more uncomfortable and then said something vague and nonspecific without even looking at me. Peak moment of his inability to communicate was a time when he finally decided to explain to me "where kids are coming from". I don't want to describe it in full form, I'll just say that he used horses as a metaphor. Yeeeeeaah.... I was 14 years old tops, I didn't fully understand what he was saying and why he chose that particular day, everything was so uncalled for and higgledy-piggledy that I forgot about that conversation 5 minutes later and went on my own business like any other kid in that age. But he checked a box in the list of things that father has to do and decided that his business being a father figure is done. Mother knew somehow that he failed miserably, but in her eyes it was not a mother's job to talk with a boy about sex and stuff. They both just pretended that I know what I need to know.
By the age of 17 conflicts with my father became so intense and frequent that one day I just stopped talking to him. That was the only way I knew how to deal with such a situation 'cause parents used it all the time - 10 minutes of yelling at each other and then 2 or 3 days of silence. But this time it didn't end a couple of days later. We still don't talk to each other to this day. Several times he tried to use my mother so she could talk to me and persuade me to change my mind and start talking to him again. Each time she declined, but told me about his request anyway. This was her way to influence me to do the same, but through her own means, as I was highly susceptible to her words. Thankfully, I hold my ground. Years later, when I learned what narcissism and narcissistic traits are, I realized that going no contact with him was one of the best decisions in my life. I save a lot of time and nerves by just ignoring him.
In 2008, I graduated from school and went to the university which was chosen for me by my mother. At this time I started to have problems finding friends, communicating with peers, being among a lot of people in a noisy environment. All I was doing was going to classes, studying, going home, studying more. No personal life, no urge to live like my peers and engage in relationships with women. Living in a safe mode, I was denying myself the most basic things like leisure time and outdoor activities. I was set on a course to become a scientist in my field without knowing whether I even want it or not. It just seemed like a logical path to take.
In my third year at university I got into the only relationship I ever had by what can be described only as a stupid accident, but on closer inspection everything makes perfect sense.. One girl in my group I occasionally chatted with from time to time had a secret crush on me for nearly a year(!) before she decided to come forward and express her feelings to me which I was completely oblivious of. But it was not "hey, I like you, want to go on a date with me?". Nooooo. It was full blown cliché from romantic movies. She just said to me: "I love you". And then stared at me for an uncomfortably long period of time waiting for a response while my Brain.exe stopped working and I had no idea what to do in a situation like this. Eventually I zoned out, made some excuses and physically removed myself from the premises. Two days later she approached me again and this time there was nowhere to go. That day "mama's good boy" took over and I caved in saying that I love her too and want to be with her. My immature brain couldn't imagine the situation where I would reject her advances just because she would get upset and even cry a river in front of me, I just felt fully responsible for her emotions. BOOM! Perfect storm in a bottle. WCGW?
The next 58 days were the worst 58 days in my life until much later. Witty and cute girl I thought I knew turned into a completely different person one week later. When the first adrenaline rush calmed down she started to show a side of her personality I was unaware of before. She always wanted to spend all of her free time with me ignoring my time schedule. Almost every week she occasionally threw accusations like "You don't love me" or "You are thinking about other girls”. One day another girl from our university group came to me between classes and asked me to explain some things she didn't understand at the last lecture. The rest of that day I've been listening to my now GF saying that I should dump her and start dating that other girl because she's a better fit for me. General dynamic of this relationship was that she's accusing me of something or complaining or suspecting me of cheating and I'm going out of my way to disprove that nonsense and make things right.
But one day I realized that is too much for me. It was during one of the phone calls with her when we were fighting over something again and I said: "I don't think we should stay together". She burst into tears and hung up. Next day we were avoiding each other like we were strangers. It helped that summer break was just a couple of weeks away. We never spoke about how our relationship ended, there was no closure. We've been avoiding each other for the rest of the time in university. Needless to say that this experience was highly traumatic and killed my will to pursue romantic relationships in the future. I didn't have sex with that girl, remained virgin and eventually cemented myself in this state. I even constructed a lie in my head that I'm asexual just to ease the pressure on myself and make myself less "wrong" and "broken" in my own eyes. You can't stress about the absence of sex if you are asexual, right? Spoiler - no.
After university I got into a PhD program at the research institute. There I had an opportunity to work on interesting problems in my field which was meteorology and climatology. As the salary was basically the lowest granted by the law, I wasn't able to afford to live on my own and continued to live at my parents house. They were not happy, but never sad to me that I have to get my sh1t together and move out. On the contrary - mother was actively encouraging me to finish my PhD and not to worry about rent because she thought it's her mission to make my dreams come true. Although, it was not my dream per se, it was her dream about my life I accepted as my own.
The next three years I spent working on my PhD were uneventful. I was living a boring life - go to work, do your job, go home, do even more work at home, sleep, repeat. No friends, no dates, no vacations for myself, no traveling, just moving myself between two places like a robot. At some point I've been told that I'm too young to get my PhD approved right away, I need to wait another couple of years and pay a hefty price to make it happen. That was a final straw and I snapped. I quit on the spot and said "F you, science" and two weeks later landed a job in the IT industry as I got into software engineering while working on a PhD.
I've spent three years there, learned a lot from people around me and made a boatload of money I couldn't even spend fast enough as I was not accustomed to lavish lifestyles and high spendings. But even with a rock solid financial security I didn't move out of my parents house. Something was holding me back, like I was on a leash. I lost this job in June of 2021 due to corporate restructuring, but was not worried, I knew I could find another job in a matter of weeks. But first I gave myself a month to rest. Three months later I was still saying to myself that I'm resting. I suddenly got stuck and wasn't able to do anything. Days were passing by and I was just spending my time in front of the computer playing video games and watching YT.
In part it was caused by a severe skin condition I developed shortly before I lost that job. Big red spots all over my head, skin irritation, itching, excessive skin exfoliation, extremely dry skin. I also entered the last phase of bolding. All of those combined affected my face and the way I look in general. I was also tall and skinny, my weight was only 57 kilograms since I turned 20, so developing body dysmorphia was just a matter of time and it finally happened. First, I became afraid of mirrors. I stopped washing my face with cold water every evening 'cause it involved staying in front of the mirror. It didn't help 'cause now skin was dehydrated even more. Next, I convinced myself that if I go outside with those red spots all over my face, people will point fingers at me and laugh. So I literally imprisoned myself in my room and only went out with a hat and sunglasses on or late at night when it's dark and not many people on the streets.
I tried to find out the cause of this skin condition though. I've been to 5 different dermatologists, I got 4 different diagnoses, treatments I was prescribed with were purely cosmetic and doctors were unwilling to find the cause of this illness saying that I'm fine with just putting a few pounds of cream on my face twice a day. At some point I just threw a white towel and gave up completely. I retreated into my room and fell into a deep deep depression.
Eating disorder, troubles sleeping, troubles getting up in the morning, lack of motivation, no interest in doing anything I loved before, self-neglect, feeling dead inside, feeling of being broken, unlovable and undesirable, self harm in a form of hair picking, two episodes of suicidal thoughts, outbursts of anger when no one is around, endless inner dialogue with myself. I lost 5 kilograms of weight on top of being underweight before. I was like a shadow, a husk. Pale, frail, weak, looking very unhealthy. Later down the line I developed porn addiction. In some crooked way it was the only thing that was able to shake me up for a bit, make me feel a little bit less dead, provoke some physiological reaction. But only for a while. After comes shame and guilt. I felt like a filthy animal, battering myself for such an immoral behavior.
It lasted for almost two years. All this time my parents were pretending that there is nothing wrong about that. My mother was especially into this, not even once she asked me what's going on, why I stay at home all the time doing nothing. Like this is how it was supposed to be from the beginning.
Somewhere in the middle of this my brain decided to make me a present in the form of unpacked memories from almost 15 years ago. One day I was just staring at the screen of my computer when I remembered that when I was a teenager, like 15 or 16 years old, I was SA’d in a tightly packed subway train by an old man. My brain spared me that day and completely shut off those memories as I don’t remember losing sleep or experiencing panic attacks over it. And I can’t say that this revelation in the midst of a severe depression affected me in any significant way. I know that kids and teenagers who were SA’d can experience troubles in the intimacy department, but by the time I got those memories unlocked my loneliness and celibacy were deeply rooted in me to cause any distress.
I have no idea how I snapped out of it. Depression was a series of ups and downs, when today you feel really good and think you are able to turn mountains upside down and then back to the deepest void imaginable a few days later. That was just one of those cycles when I somehow managed to grab that positive phase and stay on it. I wasn't able to determine one single reason why, so it should be a combination of factors that are not very significant by themselves, but combined together and eventually saved me. It was at the end of the autumn 2023. I started to fix my biggest issues like daily routine, sleeping habits, exercising. Quit watching porn and stayed clean until April when I relapsed. I delved deeper into psychology, found several content creators on YT, including Dr.K and started to unpack my whole life starting from childhood and it all started to make sense. The way my family "worked", all the abuse I endured, every traumatic experience that went without reflection - everything played a part in how my life went and how I ended up in depression. I felt a lot of anger at first 'cause it was convenient to blame my parents for everything. They ARE to blame, but it was Dr.K's video where he talked about calling out your parents for their mistakes that convinced me that I'm barking at the closed gates. I let it go and I don't think that I'll ever have a conversation with my mother about what happened to me. My father's dead to me even more now that he was prior to that. I'm going to get a restraining order on him one day for sure.
So I spent the last winter working on myself and made good progress, but I understood that it's not enough. So in March 2024 I got into therapy. As I was still having trouble falling asleep I was prescribed antidepressants and now I sleep much better. My therapist helped me a lot, but as she said to me "it's rare to see a patient who comes in with half of the work already done". I should've sought therapy much much earlier, but it is what it is.
So where am I now?
33M, turning 34 in August. Virgin. Bold. Underweight, but somehow jacked. 3 years long gap in the resume. No social connections. Rusty social skills if any. Health is damaged by malnutrition, skin is 10 years older than it should be. Some amount of social anxiety is still there. Porn addiction is still an issue and needs to be addressed with another therapist. Two months ago I was diagnosed with parathyroid adenoma, no way to tell how it's going to turn out right now. Not sure what I really want to do with my life, but I want to try to get back into IT after a crash course of catching up with new stuff. Chances are small, but I will try anyway.I'm out of the woods with the worst stuff, but it's not over yet. I don't have high hopes about getting into a relationship with a woman of my age one day and losing my virginity, but at least I'm not afraid of comprehending the idea.
No matter what's ahead, I'm sure I can take it. I think I'm ready to finally begin living my own life.
Thanks for reading this long post to the end. I hope that my story can be used as a piece of evidence that despite how bad everything is, how dark the sky is, there is also hope and light at the end of the tunnel.

Much has been said on this space about red pilling others. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. Or can you? We express our observations on the futility of trying to red pill others in a number of ways, stories and memes. There is one story though that I feel deserves a deeper look. The story is about the fox and the grapes. There was a fox who spotting some grapes hanging high of a vine decided he wanted them. But try and jump as he did, he could not reach the grapes. After some time of trying and failing, he walked away but not before saying “I bet those grapes weren’t even ripe, they were probably sour.” This describes most people in life and is perhaps the number one reason men in this space fail to apply the lessons they learn here. Do you admit you failed to reach your goal? Were you too weak? Perhaps you were not experienced enough? Maybe you lacked skills in game and cannot hold a conversation? Or do you lie and say you never wanted what you set out to get in the first place?

Red-pill, Blue-pill or Something in Between?

The Truth is a hard pill to swallow. And some people after learning the truth (read redpill) and seeing the world for what it is cannot stand it; people wish to go back to the fantasy they believed. That is why in The Matrix movie the character Cypher betrays humanity and wants to be plugged back in to the matrix. He wants to go back to living in a lie built by others. Cypher wants to go back to the fantasy but he does so in a way that takes advantage of the truth he learned via the redpill. Similarly, many men want to use their redpill knowledge with an old order ideal; These are men who take the purple pill. Rather than build a world around them and live in reality they prefer the old lie.
To be a man you must be willing to build and create. Failing to create is cowardice. Thumos, masculine spirit can carve something out of chaos. That many men prefer living in someone else's world and the life prescribed by others is an indicator that they lack this masculine spirit. Many men and boys exist that know they ought to change but they look for permission from others to do so. They hesitate because deciding and thinking for yourself is risky. They would rather shift the burden of their decisions and outcomes unto someone else. Still others exist that cannot see the truth and don't want to. Which is worse? The man who knew the truth and wants to go back, or the one who actively lies to himself and refuses to acknowledge it?

People Would Rather Lie

People would rather lie to themselves than admit the unpleasant truth about themselves. It is easier to lie than to admit the truth. I knew a guy back in high school who was socially awkward. He would try and get with the girls but had little success. One day he came out and said he was gay. Yet his behavior said otherwise. He would still try to hit on girls, and was the scavenger type who would sleep with any girl he could get. Yet this proved too much work and eventually he stayed rooting for the other team, minus visiting the occasional escort. Was it easier for him to admit he was bad with women or to convince himself that he doesn’t even like women? Some women are lesbians not because they like women, but because they hate men. Other lesbians I have talked to are so because they had bad experiences with men growing up (usually a family member). Others are overweight, unpleasant and therefore cannot attract or keep a man. The reasons may be a bit different yet the process of self-deception is similar. In politics many are socialist, not because they love the poor or working man, but because they hate the rich. Do people really love Joe Biden? Or do they hate Donald Trump? These are not the same thing.
The reason and why behind your actions or lack thereof is just as important as the what. Are you a Christian because you love God and are trying to live for Him? Or are you trying to avoid going to hell? The actions and behavior that follow is completely different. Are you improving yourself because you have become your own mental point of origin? Or are you doing so in hope that your wife will sleep with you again? We often lie to ourselves rather than admit why we do things or that we failed to get what we wanted. Our egos are powerful things and this is often enough the cause of our own deception. But ego is not all bad. Your ego also protects you, and lets you know when someone is slinging mud at you and trying to knock you down on the pecking order.
To me there is something repugnant and weasel like when men hide their desires. This is a grave sin, not in the sense of right and wrong but it’s a pragmatic issue. I cannot trust you if you do not own your behavior. I do not care if you want to indulge in hookers and blow, or if you are gay and like shoving things up your ass. My issue is I cannot trust liars to be around me. The men I want around me are men who own their shit, which is impossible if you are a liar especially to yourself. One thing that organizations such as Alcoholics anonymous get right is that they cannot help someone, until the person admits to themselves that they have a problem. For Christianity you cannot repent until you acknowledge that you are a sinner. You cannot stop being a nice guy/simp until you acknowledge that you are one.

The Lie of Personality and Identity

One of the big lies I hear often is the lie about personality. People hang onto their personality like a sacred cow. They use personality as a crutch for why they do not try something. They will say things like “oh I can’t go out and hit on girls, I am an introvert.” Or they will say they cannot dance, sing, or speak in public, as if these were talents one is born with that cannot improve. Some will use identity and race as an excuse. Perhaps you are Catholic, and good Catholics have to stay away from the clubs. It is not that you are shy or nervous around women, no sir; that cannot be the case! That’s right, you are saving yourself for marriage and waiting. I have more respect for someone that is honest about their wants and limits over someone that lies and makes their necessity a virtue. If your actions are really in line with your virtue, then kudos more power to you. But if you have no options and are a disgusting bug person, then your virtue and reasons are lies.
One day me and my buddy Francis were at work and we noticed one of the guys in our crew was missing, an old timer named Billy. So me and Franky got a hold of Billy on the phone and asked him what was going on? We asked if he was okay and if everything was well with him to which he said he was doing good and was in good health. So, after a bit we asked him if he was coming to work that day: Billy paused for a bit and said he was not coming in to work. When we asked why? He said “This morning when I woke up, my bed was really comfortable. The coffee was too good and the missus too randy and I decided I am not coming in today.” Me and Franky looked at each other nodded in approval and said good enough, see you tomorrow. We had more respect for Billy owning his shit than had he lied or made some BS. There is a difference between saying I cannot come to work, and I will not.

We Create Our Own Personalities and Emotions

Emotions are generated by us. Emotions enable us and prime us to do what we want; Think of emotions as a tool of plausible deniability. Does being in a club really make people friskier? Perhaps it’s the booze, or the music but I think people that want to be social, go to clubs and such venues and then feel a certain way that will help them accomplish their goal of flirting or getting laid. Alcohol is also a great tool that helps us act and do what we already intended to. Ever argue with a co-worker? Or haver someone cut you off in traffic? We may feel pissed off, upset or even frustrated. Yet the truth remains that our actions are wholly under our control. You despite the fact that a co-corker or customer pissed you off, do not bash their face in with a stapler. Or despite a police officer writing you an unjust ticket suddenly reach for their gun. Or perhaps you did act a certain way, but that is only because you wanted to; the feelings that accompanied the action are only those that were necessary help you carry out your desired end.
When you are wronged or slighted, what typically follows is some emotional response. This response such as frustration, or righteous indignation helps you do what you want, IE get riled up enough to file a complaint or seek to right the injustice. Emotions are kayfabe we play on ourselves. We want an excuse and justification to do something. Did you think your woman suddenly started crying because she is sad and doesn’t want you to go to the gym? Or did she generate the feeling of sadness so she can justify crying in order to manipulate your behavior? Coincidentally your wife gets a headache every time you want to have sex. Personality to a great extent is also a tool of our own creation.
It is somewhat ironic that in a time in which even the concept of gender is differentiated from biological sex personality and background is seen as unchangeable, insurmountable. Yet I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon which is psychosomatic in nature. Simply put people imagine they have a disease or condition, and then their body produces symptoms in line with what the person believes. The reason a lot of medicine works is not because of the actual medicine, but because people believe it will work. The mind is a powerful tool and it can help us achieve whatever we ask of it. I believe this applies to our own personalities. Did your then 29-year-old girlfriend’s personality really change? Or did she get baby rabies and her mind started manufacturing changes to facilitate that desire? We are how we are because somewhere deep down we want to be that way. Perhaps it is an outdated mental model, perhaps we fear change, maybe we like being victims? Whatever the reason, your mind will make a personality toward that end.

As You Believe So It Shall Be Unto You

You can be many things in life but the biggest thing that prevents you from becoming what you want is the lies you believe. How many Asian men have you heard cry that American women don’t find them attractive? Or Black guys say that the deck is stacked against them? The Mexicans say they have a bad start being coddled by mama. And the White guys complain about reverse racism. To be fair there is a bit of truth in all of what they say. So what? Who cares? If you believe you can’t, get da girls, you are right. If you think women despise you for being Indian, its true; They despise YOU for being Indian. Oh, your world is shattered because you were a good Muslim and your wife still cheated on you? Get in line. Lets see what else, are you shocked that the Mormon girl you waited for got a train ran on her in college while you were out on mission? LOL dems is the facts. Your fat body sacrificed long hours at work for your wife and she still divorced you and took the kids? Did you think your religious upbringing was insulation against being pathetic? You do not get a pass to be weak despite your race, beliefs and upbringing.
In the same way your mind works to make your desires come true, the world will respond and treat you the way you carry yourself. Yet this is only in as much as your beliefs align with reality. And here is the proof that deep down you know all this. If you did not believe that you could change, you would not be here on this forum. You would not be looking for advice on improving your life. If your personality is fixed from childhood this is a waste of time. Yet we know. We have seen men through trial and error better their lives. Experience and repetition have taught us to set boundaries. We have abandoned platitudes like “Happy Wife, Happy Life.” We egg each other onward to greatness with snippets of truth like “Do you even lift bro?” We have distilled the truth of our collective experiences with poetry such as: You can take the hood rat outta da hood, but you cannot take da hood outa da hoodrat. No one comes to the Red Pill unless someone has been zeroed out either yourself or someone you know. Can you make a horse drink? Maybe, maybe not. But let that horse see his bro get divorced, shafted and turned into glue, how quickly he will drink from the trough of truth! Gentlemen dont wait until you are in line at the glue factory to see the writing on the wall. Be sober minded and do the work.
Candidly and Vigilantly
The Most Alpha of Bunnies

I've been having a tough time finding a group to talk this through with, since it's a bit of a contentious topic in some circles... hope it's OK for discussion here.
I (50F) have always believed I am "not a squirter" (in the sexual sense) despite trying to teach myself for years.
But, while on a run yesterday, listening to a podcast, and recalling the many first-hand accounts I've read on Reddit, I think I may actually squirt-- only I do it when I run.
Fascinating similarities:

• I don't drink water before nor on a run. I completely empty my bladder before I go.
• Within 1/1.5 miles, and without feeling like I need to pee, I suddenly feel fluid entering my urethra. If I clench, I can keep it from coming out, but that becomes quickly painful. If a spurt gets out before I clench, it's "game over." If I don't clench, it comes out under its own power.
• I have to step off the sidewalk or trail, because, it is a TON of fluid. It looks like someone dumped a couple big Stanley cups, and you can see distinct splooshes- It comes out under it's own control via the force of reflexive, pulsy contractions, not the standard "bell curve" of intentionally emptying my bladder. And, this may happen 2-3 times, full volume, on a 90 minute run (again, without consuming fluid.)
• Importantly, when I get back to my car with soaked shorts, shoes and socks, I never smells like urine. If it happens on a run with friends, I can get back in the car and ride back with them and nobody's any the wiser. Only at the tail end of the season do my shoes start to have a whisper of urea. Happened twice yesterday, and I had some errands to run, got home an hour later with my shorts still damp and really deeply smelled them-- not a whisper of smell.
• While running or hiking, I often do ALSO have the standard build-up to needing to pee. I'll pull into the nearest porta potty or pee on the side of the trail, and empty my bladder (which generally takes a fair bit of concentration and effort- I'm super "pee shy."). But, it doesn't stop this from happening again shortly after. Also, if any of the urine I pass in the regular way gets on my shorts (like, deciding to just pee in my shorts during a race), I do smell a LOT like urine and also have to dump water on my thighs, because the urine causes irritation- this doesn't.
• I was given a pessary by a pelvic floor doc to prevent this (started after having babies), but that becomes extremely painful, because I can feel my bladder contracting against the resistance-- the few times I used it, I took it out in the bushes and instant SPLOOSH (many women report needing nothing in the vagina for "squirt" to come out.)

Anyhow, my hypothesis is that something in the stimulation of running (for me) or sex (for others) causes the bladder to instantly flood with fluid- either fluid that doesn't pass through the kidneys or passes through so quickly it doesn't collect the standard concentration of urea. And that quick-filling triggers reflexive contractions (bladder's self-protection mechanism of "holy crap, if this continues, I'm going to rupture!")
I've been going down a research wormhole on it since drawing the connection to see if there's any research comparing other "quickly filling bladder" phenomenon (OAB, etc.) to squirting but am not seeing much.
Am I crazy, or does this sound like an identical phenomenon? Do any squirters who run experience anything like this? Or do any squirters experience the hallmarks of the squirting phenomenon during other kinds of stimuli?
I would love to be able to run road marathons again (currently can't because I would horrify the people behind me- again, it is quick, full, uncontrollable SPLOOSHES of large volumes of fluid, not the trickle/dribble most mamas experience (and I did experience in the year post-birth), and stopping a the porta-potty when I need to does nothing to reduce the frequency with which it happens.)

cross-posting on other relevant subs (pregnant, newparents, etc)
Hi all,
I'm a long-time lurker but rarely have time to come on anymore and read, much less comment or post. However since having my first child over 3 years ago and also my second a year and a half ago, I've been keeping notes on advice and product recommendations. I've taken to giving this out to friends and co-workers when I hear the happy news that they are expecting, so I thought I'd share it here as well in hopes it helps someone. Please take this with a grain of salt- I know everyone has different experiences! Please feel free to post your favorite advice or product recommendations as well if you want.
Take care, and enjoy your parenting journey!

General advice:

I'm really going to try to keep cliché's out of here as much as possible and keep this to only practical advice that I wish someone had laid out for me. But cliché's exist for a reason- they are generally true!

• The first couple months after birth/with a newborn are the hardest, with the first couple of weeks being the toughest yet. It really gets easier! That being said, those first several weeks the only goal should be survival. Don't plan to do any house projects, if you know something will need to be done (like a car oil change,taxes, etc) do it before baby arrives if possible. Do everything you can to try to make those first few weeks as easy as possible. Set up the crib/bassinet (I was convinced we were going to have more time and had neither set up. I literally put the bassinet together myself while I was in labor). Those last few months of pregnancy when you cook, make extra and freeze it. I have several good freezer prep recipes if you're looking for some. Once baby is here don't worry about cleaning the house, etc. Just survive.
• Accept help, but on your own terms. Lots of times people come offering to watch the baby but sometimes as a new mom you just feel more comfortable having baby with you. People can still help by doing the cooking and/or cleaning so you don't have to. And if you want/get time away from baby don't feel like you need to do those chores- take that time for you to sleep/showewhatever you need. Do not feel like you need to cateentertain guests. Or if you know you will, don't invite or let them over. This is YOUR time to bond with baby and recover- guard your time.
• Everything is a phase. Soak up the good stuff while you can, and know that the not so good stuff won't last forever.
• You can never give your baby too much love. You can't "spoil" a baby by holding them too much. Especially the first 3 months (known as the "4th trimester")- remember that baby was used to being "held"/cuddled and fed 24/7 in your womb. So even if you're holding them for 16 hrs/day- that's still a significant decrease than what they are used to. I know it's exhausting, but try to soak up those cuddles.
• Remember to take videos as well as pictures- those little newborn noises are precious!
• If everyone is crabby and it seems like nothing is fixing it- try to change the environment. Get everyone outside- fresh air is good for everyone. I've tried to get baby outside for at least a little bit every day of his life since getting home from the hospital (yes, even during winter in WI). If outside isn't an option try a bath.
• Take all advice with a grain of salt (even this). You know your baby/family best!

Pregnancy/Postpartum mama care:

• The "Expecting & Empowered" workouts were great. They have 3 guided workouts for each week of pregnancy to prepare you for labor and motherhood. Also follow them on IG. I give a lot of credit to them for my pretty easy pregnancy and deliveries!
• Once I started feeling sore later in pregnancy, prenatal yoga really helped me. I used an app called Prenatal Yoga by Down Dog that I really like. You have to pay for a subscription but I think you can try it for 30 days free, but I ended up paying for the subscription and actually re subscribed. They have a whole suite of apps that all fall under the same subscription - normal yoga, meditation, HIIT, and others. I think it's worth it, and I got the subscription on a black Friday deal for $24/year
• As far as labor goes- there’s so many resources and advice out there that could be a novel by itself. The only thing I’ll say is whatever your birth “plan” (if you have one)- just make sure it’s flexible and that your partner knows what it is and why so they can advocate for you. Once you’re in that pain it’s very hard to advocate for yourself.
• What I’ve learned is there is typically a sliding scale of interventions. Meaning- if you end up getting induced you’re more likely to end up getting a c-section. Ideally, you want to go into labor on your own. (when you’re ready to get that baby out, there are lots of myths out there and strategies to try. My advice- walking and sex).
• I’ve attempted 2 medication-free births but eventually gotten the epidural each time. If I have another baby I’m getting the dang epidural asap.
• So many postpartum care things to have on hand since you really won't know how your delivery will go. All the normal things like pads, and cooling pads, and peri bottle. I had a really easy birth experience so I didn't use a lot of the products I had so not much experience. But I did like the Honey Pot pads because they had a cooling effect that was pleasant but not overwhelming. I also liked having a sitz bath and bath salts to put in it.
• Fun postpartum symptoms to look forward to that no one warned me about (in addition to bleeding for 4-6ish weeks)- horrible cramping/contractions while the uterus shrinks the first week (especially happens when nursing) - hot pads and ibuprofen help, night sweats (waking up in the middle of the night to a crying baby drenched with sweat and freezing because you’re so wet), strong body odor (just, why?!), hair loss (this is why I cut all of my hair off after having baby). I’m sure there are others I’ve forgotten about. So many fun things!

Breastfeeding

I highly recommend trying to breastfeed if you're able. It does make the first few weeks (which are already hard) more challenging, but after that it's so much easier! You can go places without needing bottles/wateformula (all you need is you!). Plus, sterilizing and washing bottles all the time is a drag. Plus the bonding is really special (not that you can't get this without breastfeeding). But breastfeeding is always the #1 comfort technique if baby is cranky or sick, even if he's not hungry. A few tips/info:

• Stay hydrated!!! You can designate your partner that their job is to make sure you always have accessible water. And try to make sure you have water when sitting down to nurse, cause sometimes as soon as they start nursing you feel parched.
• The first few hours/days are critical to establishing your supply. Put baby to breast at a minimum every 3 hours (day and night, set an alarm) and more often if she's awake/fussy. After your milk comes in, assuming baby starts gaining weight again, your pediatrician should give you the okay to stop the alarm during the night and feeding on demand (which will likely still be pretty frequent).during the day you basically always want to be feeding them every 3-4 hours
• Invest in some nursing bras/tanks. I didn't- thinking I would later if breastfeeding worked out. But honestly you need to give it at least 1-2 months to give it a fair shot, and you can't go that long without having clothes that make it easy. We went and got some when baby was 3 days old. Would've been better to have in advance. Target has great stuff. I lived in the same 3 nursing tanks with 5 different flannel shirts over it for the first few months.
• Set up a breastfeeding station where you can be comfy and have things you might need. I love my glider chair, and put a cart with snacks, water (drink LOTS of water), phone charger, lotion, baby nail clippers (this was the easiest time for me to trim baby's nails), etc.
• Don’t pump the first 4ish weeks as this is when your supply is established, and the pump will make your body think it needs to produce more. An oversupply can be just a big of problem as an under supply.
• The tough thing with nursing is you really don't ever get a break. Even if someone else were to give baby a bottle (which I don't recommend for the first 4ish weeks for reason above)- you need to pump to keep your supply up. At that point, it's easier to just feed the baby yourself (in my opinion). To help with this during nighttime feedings, when Matt wasn't working he would basically do everything else minus the feeding (unswaddling, changing diaper, reswaddling, etc) and just hand baby to me to nurse to make it as easy as possible on me.
• I highly recommend getting a haakaa (amazon link). When you are feeding baby on one side it triggers a let down, which can lose a lot of milk on the side baby isn't on. You can use this to capture that (plus a little more since it does suction, so you do want to be careful with this and not use it too frequently and create oversupply). I use it now after baby's long night stretch and both boobs are really full. I slowly built up a decent freezer stash using this without ever actually pumping. They also have milk collectors (amazon link) that has less suction, and you can wear these under your bra if you find you're leaking often. I got these as well but didn't really like them as much as I thought.
• You'll probably also want breast pads to catch leaking. For awhile I used the disposable ones, but eventually got these (amazon link) and like them.
• Read up on milk handling/storage. La Leche league (website) is a great resource. If you're looking for even more info- read "The womanly art of breastfeeding" written by La Leche league.
• Breastfeeding should NOT hurt! If it hurts- ask for help. Could be an issue with the baby's latch or something else, like a tongue/lip tie. Make sure before you leave the hospital you have someone look at your latch and tell you what to look for to make sure you get a good latch every time. Easier to correct earlier than later.
• That being said- for the first month-ish I had pain for about 4 seconds every time baby latched. Sounds like this is unusual as no other mom I talked to experienced this so hopefully doesn't happen to you. It eventually stopped- I think it was just my nipples getting used to the expanding. But I never had my nipples crack/bleed or anything. This is not expected/normal. Talk to someone if this is happening.
• Since you'll probably want baby to take a bottle eventually- you'll need to start this at some point. The recommendation that I've read multiple times is to wait until 4-6 weeks (after breastfeeding is fully established) before trying. Then you need to do it frequently- maybe a bottle a day. We started early and he did fine so eventually we got lazy and stopped for awhile because I didn't like pumping when he bottle-fed. Then when we started trying again in preparation for me returning to work he flat out refused and then it was much harder to persuade him back to the bottle. If this happens- the method that worked best for us was called "intermittent bottle by mom". Google it if you get in this position (or ask me questions at that point).
• Positions- at the hospital they only taught me the cradle and football hold for some reason. I later learned about the laid back position and at the time it was a game changer for me- I was so tired/sore of sitting up and hunching over for the middle of the night feeds. Laid back allowed me to be much more comfortable. Also side-lying- one of my favorite positions now.
• Breastfeeding doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can combo feed with formula if you want/need to. A fed baby and happy mama is the most important!

Sleeping

Good luck! Just kidding. So much conflicting info out there on this. I guess my number 1 tip here would be to read up on different strategies and have a plan. Being knowledgeable about different options is helpful if you need to pivot strategies in the middle of the night and you're running on very little sleep. Some questions for you to consider - will you bedshare (most families end up co-sleeping at some point. Good to know the Safe Sleep 7 in case you decide to)? Or room-share? Will you "sleep train" (which means different things to different people)? When they start getting decent stretches of sleep it is a game. changer. I will share some tips that seemed to have work for us. baby started sleeping through the night (7+ hr stretches) around 11 wks, and shortly thereafter started sleeping 10-11hr stretches. We do bed-share occasionally, even now if he wakes up between 5-6a I pull him into bed with me and nurse in a side-lying position and we both fall asleep for a bit longer. It's really lovely to be able to do this.

Generic sleep advice

• I liked the book "The happiest baby on the block". It discusses the conditions in the womb, and how to recreate those as much as possible to soothe baby, especially during the 4th trimester. (spoiler- swaddle, "shhh"/white noise fairly loud (as loud as standing next to a shower), sucking on a pacifier, swaying (movement), oriented on baby's side).
• Some resources: TakingCaraBabies. You can follow on fbook/insta- they post great stuff. She also offers classes. We have all of her classes and really think it worked well for us, and we never felt like we were leaving baby to "cry it out" alone. We never let him cry for more than 5 min. She has a newborn class, one for 3-4 mo old, and then 5 mo+. I feel like each one supported baby where they were developmentally.
• Make the sleep space as conducive to sleep as possible- cool, white noise, and as dark as possible. Seriously- invest in blackout curtains/shades. (other than naps for the first few weeks which you want to keep light/noisy to help them establish their days/nights). Babies aren't scared of the dark, any light is just stimulation.

0-3 months

• Swaddles. Highly recommend swaddling. They just can't control their limbs at this age and they'll accidently jerk one and startle themselves awake. Swaddling helps with this, and makes them feel more like they are back in the womb which is comforting. So many parents say their baby hates the swaddle, and I don't know maybe they actually do, but baby would also struggle when we were putting him in the swaddle but then he would sleep so much better. We used the Halo (amazon link) and Nested Bean (amazon link). I liked the nested bean because it had the option of swaddling with hands up or hands down, it has the weighted bean on the chest which is comforting, and you can zip the sleeves off when you are ready to transition out of the swaddle. Although- the unzipping the sleeves didn't really work for us when we were trying to transition out, at that point we got the Magic Merlin Sleep suit (amazon link) and that helped us transition out of the swaddle.
• Babies should sleep a lot. You can look up average sleep per day hours and wake windows based on baby's age. I think in baby's first few weeks he got really crabby in the evenings because we were letting him get overtired. I think in the first month the goal is that they aren't awake for more than an hour at a time. We were kinda just winging it and didn't realize we should be trying to get him down to sleep fairly soon. At this point- when they wake up you feed and change them and then basically start getting ready for sleep again. You really want to try to avoid an over-tired baby, and it happens really fast and easily.
• We had baby sleep in a sidecar bassinet so he was easy for me to grab/feed during the night. When he was around 3 months old we moved the bassinet away from the bed but still in the room so we weren't waking each other up as much.
• Just to set reasonable expectations - any sleep on their own in the bassinet is a win. Hopefully you can get some night sleep there, unlikely that any naps will happen there. We did all contact naps (meaning- holding, wearing, cuddling) for those months and started trying 1 nap/day when he was around 8 weeks in his crib. At that point any naps done in a crib is a huge win. And those will probably be short.
• Naps don't typically lengthen/mature until about 5 months old. This is normal and expected. It's good to have reasonable expectations so you're not upset with yourself/baby. It's easy to obsess over things as a mom. Don't let naps steal your joy! Try to enjoy those baby naps on you. Use it as a time to rest/relax yourself.

3mo+

• Bed time routine- important to establish a consistent routine. Same order of events, same place, and around the same time per day (we target between 7-8p). Our routine: bath (if it's bath night, which we do every 2-3 days), diaper, massage/lotion, jammies, nursing, burp, in crib for 2 books, then swaddle/merlin suit/sleep sack, turn on white noise, lay down in crib/bassinet awake with pacifier.
• Around this time we really saw a reduction in night wakings once we were able to put him down awake at bedtime and let him fall asleep on his own. Around this time their sleep pattern changes to be more like an adult- and we naturally wake up several times in the night to check out our surroundings and if all is well fall back asleep often without even knowing we were awake. Example I read- if I fall asleep in bed and awake in the night in a neighbor's bed that would cause me to fully wake up and scream/cry. Same thing with baby. If they fall asleep being rocked in your arms and wake up alone on the mattress that can be alarming. If they fall asleep on their own then when they wake up in the same environment all is well and they can go back to sleep.
• That being said- we weren't able to just go from nursing to sleep (which is what we did for the first few months) to being able to put him down awake right away. This took time/patience. We worked our way down the intervention scale- nursing to sleep, then rocking to sleep, rocking til drowsy but putting down awake then rocking in bassinet, etc.
• Around 3 months old we disconnected the sidecar bassinet and moved it across the room. Then around 4-5 mo we moved baby into his own bedroom in the crib. This worked for us but this timeline varies a lot so do what works for you

What to do with baby when awake

Legitimate question that I hadn't considered until we were in the middle of it. In the first few weeks baby really doesn't have much awake time outside of eating/diaper changes. But here are some ideas:

• Baby wear and do whatever you want!
• Tummy time
• Massage
• Sing songs
• Get outside (but try to keep baby protected from sun)
• Read books

Pumping/Milk Maintenence

• I love my pumpables genie advanced - normally $180. https://pumpables.co/products/genie-advanced. I really like the liquid shield kids that go with these as well. These go on sale a couple of times throughout the year.
• For wearable collection cups- legendairy collection cups – normally $60. https://www.legendairymilk.com/products/sillicone-collection-cups. These are nice when you want even more portability (I can pump with these in a coffee shop and no one can really even tell)
• I also had the Spectra that my insurance gave me, and it’s nice and has nice suction. But no portability.
• For the love of pete- measure your nipples and get the right size flanges!! I’m a size 17 and I think that’s the average, but for whatever reason a lot of breast pumps send larger sizes by default.
• There’s lots of pumping bras but they never felt comfy to me. Ultimately my strategy was to wear nursing bras every day so I could nurse easily morning and evening and then do the nursing bra hack (link to video) when pumping
• As far as schedule goes- for the most part I would pump 3 times during a work day. Obviously this is just a rough estimate and things change as time goes on.
  • 6aish - baby wakes up and nurses on one side while I haakaa the other
  • 8:30 (after kids have left for daycare) - pump both sides
  • 11:30 - pump
  • 2:30 - pump
  • 5:30 - nurse baby
  • 7ish - nurse baby before bed
  • (once baby is sleeping through the night) 10pm - pump before going to bed
• I think there’s a “magic number” calculator you can google that helps you calculate the right number of times to pump/time to wait between to pumps based on different factors and if you want to decrease, increase, or maintain supply.
• During the day I always store my used pump parts in an air-tight container in the refrigerator between pumps and then deconstruct and wash them at night (recommend encouraging your partner to be the designated pump part washer every night). I think the CDC goes back and forth on whether this strategy is recommended, but I never had problems and I can’t imagine washing all the pump parts every single time.
• I always used the pitcher method - pump and then combine all the milk into a “pitcher” (I used a glass mason jar). I was lucky enough to be able to send my milk to daycare like this and she would pour from it to make the bottles. I know some daycares require pre-made bottles though.
• I would send fresh milk to daycare Tue-Fri of what I pumped the day before. On Friday I would freeze all pumped milk. On Monday I’d send a small amount of milk that I got from the haakaa over the weekend but otherwise baby would get thawed frozen milk that day (always the oldest in the freezer). This strategy was nice because mostly baby is getting fresh milk and you don’t have to constantly freeze everything, but you’re also still slowly working through freezer stash so things don’t get too old.
• On Fridays for freezing this is what I’d do:
  • Pour 4 oz into an easy-pour bottle (I froze in 4 oz increments but do whatever works best for you)
  • Pour into milk freezer bag (ie, lansinoh) - remove air bubbles (google tricks and you’ll find some videos to get rid of air bubbles)
  • Seal bag and place flat on cookie sheet
  • Repeat until all milk is bagged (depending on how much remaining milk I’d either freeze a smaller bag or leave it in the fridge and combine with haakaa milk over weekend)
  • Freeze the milk bags flat on the cookie sheet if possible (I have a chest freezer that I used)
  • Once frozen - transfer flat milk bags into gallon ziploc bags, layering from the bottom. I used the sit n stand bags. Once the gallon bag is full (I could fit 12 4-oz bags in) label it with dates and a number.
  • On your freezer where you’re storing milk have a milk sign in/out sheet - (ie, bag #1 went in on 1/1/22 and was taken out 5/1/22). This way when it’s time to take another frozen bag out you can look at the sheet and know which bag you’re looking for.

Other resources/random notes

• Baby products are ridiculously expensive, and babies grow so fast they only use/wear things for very short periods of time. Highly recommend buying second hand or borrowing from friends when you can. I was all over facebook marketplace during my pregnancy.
• If you're looking for data-driven resources to read I recommend Emily Oster's two books- "Expecting Better" regarding pregnancy, and "Cribsheet" which is data on decisions from birth to preschool.
• Have a bucket with a color-safe laundry soaking option handy for soaking blow-outs or heavily spit-up items. You don’t want those to sit until you do laundry next
• We used an app to track diapers, feedings, and sleep. We used Huckleberry and liked it, but there are lots out there. For awhile the doctor will ask how many wet/dirty diapers they are having a day and there's no way I could remember that. And I also could never remember which side I breastfed last on. Or tracking sleep so I could make sure I was getting him down for naps at reasonable time. We felt this was very helpful for a bit, but after awhile it was stressing me out more than anything, and at that point we stopped using it. Use it if/as long as it seems helpful and then stop. Matt and I were both able to have it on our phones logged into the same account so we could both use it to log stuff
• It helps to have constant reminders of tips from parenting resources that line up with your parenting strategies. Some pregnancy/parenting instagram accounts I like:
  • Expecting & Empowered
  • Karrie Locher
  • Solid Starts - they also have an app with a database of foods and how to offer them to babies. Use this all the time
  • Biglittlefeelings
  • Kids.eat.in.color
  • Feedinglittles
  • Takingcarababies - sleep tips
  • Raisinggoodhumanspodcast- also listen to the podcast and really enjoy it
  • Dog meets baby
  • Milestones and Motherhood
• Once baby is in a crib- do the lasagna style bed sheet layering. Mattress protector > sheet > mattress progrector> sheet. This way if baby has an accident in the night (vomit, pee-through, excessive spitup) you can just pull off the top sheet/protector and you’re ready to go. So you need at least two mattress protectors and sheets!
• Baby wearing- as a newborn I carried baby everyday in a Solly wrap and we loved it. Once he had better head/neck control and he was more interested in looking out we got more structured carriers. I use a lillebaby now and we also have an ergo baby that Matt uses. We have them fitted to each of us so we don't have to adjust, and we got them both used from friends.
• Set up a subscribe & save for the purple desitin (highest zinc)
• Get a costco membership. Buy all the diapers there. (I believe the kirkland diapers are just re-branded huggies). Sometimes they are on sale- buy as many as you can.

Product Recommendations/Baby Registry Ideas

I mentioned at the beginning but want to reiterate- baby products are expensive and they typically aren’t used for long. Highly recommend looking to get second hand when possible - friends, thrift stores, facebook marketplace, etc. Also- definitely make baby registries because you typically get a completion discount at a certain date to buy things off the registry at a discount (typically 15%). I usually make at least an amazon and target registry for each pregnancy and then maximize those registry discounts. Also- Bullseye Deals on Ebay is a reseller of target stuff (mostly new but also used so look before buying) at a discount!

• Tubby Todd all over ointment. I use this all the time on baby- helps with baby acne, dry patches, drool rashes, etc.
• We never bought a pack n play, figuring we would buy it if/when we needed it and we never have. I ended up buying a travel crib instead for traveling where we wouldn't have a crib (to Turks and Caicos). Both sets of grandparents had a pack n play we use when visiting, and most hotels offer them too. But when we actually needed one I was glad to take a travel crib instead of a pack n play (more portable and more comfortable for baby). Really like ours- Lotus Travel Crib
• Baby monitors - I do NOT recommend the nanit. We got it with baby and it was nice for the first year, but then after a year they hide all of the useful features behind a hefty subscription. This made me angry since the camera already is expensive. Plus at the time it didn’t support monitoring two babies but I think they’ve added that since then so that’s probably moot. We use a VTech camera monitor now that has two cameras and can monitor both kids at the same time.
• In addition to the camera monitor we also have cheap audio-only monitors in each kids room that we keep next to our bed (so audio only monitors stay in our bedroom just for during the night, then we have the video monitor on our main level for during the day).
• Snoo bassinet. For our first I swore I would never spend this much money for a product that would only be used for a few months. 1 month into our second and I broke down and got one for the hope it would help us sleep even just a little bit more. It worked for us!
• Baby shoes (once walking)- we love stride rite shoes for early walkers. You want a soft-soled shoe while they are learning to walk (or bare foot is best when safe!). You also want a shoe with a wide toe-box so their toes have room to splay out like they should. Croc Classic clogs are also great little kid shoes especially for summewater and really hold up (they have a much wider toe box than the Native brand shoes).
• Kamik winter boots for toddlers are the best boots that I’ve found- easy to put on (this is key!) and warm and dry.
• These are the best baby socks. None of the other ones we’ve tried stay on, and the grippies are key once they start walking.
• Sun safety: Sunday Afternoons sun hats are the best. ThinkBaby sunscreen is what we’ve used and trust (Thinksport is the same thing and sometimes cheaper). Although these Babyganics sunscreen sticks are also nice to have in diaper bags. These refillable roll-on sunscreen applicators are also kinda nifty.
• Absolutely love these diaper cream applicators (we call them the butt spatulas).
• Bath time safety: you need these cushions and spout cover.
• Car seats: I definitely recommend getting an infant car seat for the first year-ish as it’s just so much easier to lug baby around in an infant car seat as opposed to a bigger convertible car seat (infant car seats click out of the car so if baby falls asleep or whatever you can leave them in the seat. They can also click into strollers or other things). Convertible car seats are bigger and stay in the car.
  • I don’t have a strong recommendation for infant car seats- we used the Chicco keyfit system and have no complaints. If baby will be transported in multiple cars then ideal to get multiple bases.
  • Once baby outgrows the infant car seat (or you’re just ready to move on)- I highly recommend getting a revolving convertible car seat. The revolving feature is so clutch and makes it so much easier to get kids in/out! When I got ours these were pretty new to the market so there weren’t many options, but I got the Evenflo Revolve 360 and have no complaints. Love it. These revolve ones are certainly expensive, but they do go on sale periodically (especially black friday!). Key things to look for:
    • high rear-facing weight and height limits. Ideally keep kiddos rear-facing as long as possible because it’s safer, so having a car seat with higher limits makes that possible.
    • Fabrics/covers that are washable
    • Ideally 4 in 1 or at least 3 in 1 so it converts to a booster and kids can use it longer.
• Diaper bags are super personal preference, but after trying a couple I love my jujube ones hands down more than any other. They are pricey but go one sale on amazon sometimes.
• Get a quality thermometer. I’ve tried several but this is the winner. I believe docs recommend rectal ones for the first year, but personally I like the ear ones like this. Braun is what they use in the doctors offices I believe.
• Cups: When you start offering solid foods you typically also start offering water. We use the Munchkin weighted straw cups for water. Once they are done with bottles (around a year) we use the Munchkin 360 training cup for milk.
• You’ll need bibs when kiddo starts eating - recommend silicone ones.
• The Nose Frida snotsucker is certainly effective and I’ve always been glad to have it when I need it, but be prepared to get sick also.

I (28 female) and my fiancée (36 female) have been together for 3.5 years and just recently got engaged this february. Things have been pretty great over the last few years - of course we had some hiccups but nothing serios, nor has she ever given me a reason not to trust her. Well, after we got engaged, things started changing about a month later in March.
She started acting distant, going to bed really early (we typically go to bed at 2 am, she started going to sleep alone by 9:30-10Pm), got a new phone and suddenly became very possessive over it, took more late night shifts at work (which would be fine if I hadn't already known she HATED working nights so its odd that she has been on board about them), and in general, her behaviors have been very odd.
Essentially I thought if she is not hiding something, why is she acting like a guilty person? I tried bringing her behaviors up to her but not in an accusatory way. She always got defensive, said I do not trust her, and in general would get very upset that I even questioned her. So to avoid that, I really tried to let it go. I did.
I tried really hard to not think about her odd behavior, or how it felt like she was growing apart from me even though we just got engaged. I still do not know what to think.
A few days go by and we take our dog for a walk to a local coffee shop. When we get there, we run into this woman who was my fiancée's ex friend. Long story short, my fiancée blocked her because she did not respect our relationship, or boundaries. So, they have not seen each other or been in contact for years (as far as I knew). When we saw her it was so awkward... I could feel my fiancée wanting to run away from her, which made me feel weird. The girl also barely acknowledged my existence, which told me a lot. The situation was so awkward - the girl kept trying to talk to my fiancee, but my fiancee kept walking away with our dog trying to get rid of her. I just don't understand that behavior? I get it was awkward because they had a falling out, but to react so negatively makes me think something was going on.
Any time I would bring that situation up, she would get mad at me again and claim that I am looking for issues. I let it go, but I didn't.... her behavior, mixed with her phone usage made me think it was time to check her phones. I am not proud of doing so. I have not gotten to look too much on her new phone but since being together, she has gotten 2 new phones so there's 3 phones in our home that are hers.
I expected to find something, anything that would validate what what I feeling. However, what I found was probably worse to me? While for the most part, she has not "cheated" on me... she has lied about a LOT of things to me, and for years.
For instance, I found messages between her and one of her good childhood friends whom I've met, really liked prior to this, and would often invite over. They exchanged messages that were very sexual and flirtatious before my fiancee met me. We met in oct of 2020 and these texts were from august of 2020 which has left such a sour taste in my mouth. I am not upset that the two of them were flirty, and I do not think I would've been upset if things went further than that between them.. that happened before I was in the picture. But what upsets me is, she has been lying to me about it for the past almost 4 years. If she were to have told me this was her friend that she had sex with, or flirted with, or whatever, when we first got together or a long time ago... I would have had the choice to accept that or not. But now it feels like this woman is apart of my life too. She and her husband (yes shes married) are moving closer to our town because she misses family, but that gives them more of a reason to see each other.
Am I being unreasonable? They have been friends for at least 15 years and from what I can tell, they have taken "girls trips" together (where its just them without her husband) and spent a lot of time together. It all looks really bad imo. Again its not the fact that they had something in the past. I do not stay friends with people I have a sexual interest in, but I know not everyone is me and I could've accepted that if she was honest. Now, everything just feels spoiled for me. I worry every day that she's gonna cheat on me with this girl. If she was not looking to have an affair with her ever, why couldn't she just tell me they were involved? that's what stumps me. Both of them are lying.
On top of that, my fiancée ALWAYS initiates conversation with her and 8/10 of the times, she ignores her. My fiance sends her memes and tiktoks and the girl leaves her on read. She sends her messages telling her she is hoping she's okay and taking care of her mental health (which is fine) and the girl does not even respond. It's very clear this this is a one-sided thing and its my fiancee putting in the most work, which makes my stomach drop. am I being insecure?
I feel so stuck about this. I want to talk about it with her but I know it will lead to a fight. I would also have to explain how I knew about them being involved. That was only one thing I found on one of her phones.
On her very old phone, I discovered so much more. She was in a friends with benefits situation with a previous coworker who was very much straight and leading her on. This happened between 2019-2020. This woman clearly treated her like shit, but my fiancee was very obviously a simp for her. I think my fiancee was also kind of her Sugar Mama/Daddy? The way she talked to this girl... the way this girl had my fiancee's heart... it just felt gut wrenching. My Fiance called her beautiful a lot, told her how special she was, how she would make sure her and her son were okay... I don't know why but that broke me a bit.
I found out that this girl is blocked on all of my fiancée's social media which I appreciate, but she did not block her until 2022 when we were already together almost 2 years. I think this girl broke my fiancée's heart. In one of the messages, my fiancée writes her and says she loves her so much. I just want to mention that according to my fiancée, I am the first and only woman she has ever loved.
I also discovered that my fiance has been deleting messages from whatsapp, having secret conversations on facebook, and just moving sneakily.
one more thing I've noticed... at night time, when she thinks I'm asleep, I feel her turn to her side and reach for something. Sometimes it sounds like a phone, sometimes it sounds like a vibrator. I feel I have been awake next to her while she self-pleasured on a day where I was anticipating intimacy but got rejected by her because she was "tired".
I don't know. I appreciate anyone who took the time to read a stranger's sad life. I feel really stuck and not sure how to move forward, what to say, what to do, and just how to feel comfortable around her. I feel like I don't really know her and its my own fault, I should have never snooped. I don't think I will be in peace for a long time. I don't know what the best approach is to this situation because I am not ready to tell her I went through her phones. Maybe this is my karma.
I really am struggling.
thank you for listening

I (28 female) and my fiancée (36 female) have been together for 3.5 years and just recently got engaged this february. Things have been pretty great over the last few years - of course we had some hiccups but nothing serios, nor has she ever given me a reason not to trust her. Well, after we got engaged, things started changing about a month later in March.
She started acting distant, going to bed really early (we typically go to bed at 2 am, she started going to sleep alone by 9:30-10Pm), got a new phone and suddenly became very possessive over it, took more late night shifts at work (which would be fine if I hadn't already known she HATED working nights so its odd that she has been on board about them), and in general, her behaviors have been very odd.
Essentially I thought if she is not hiding something, why is she acting like a guilty person? I tried bringing her behaviors up to her but not in an accusatory way. She always got defensive, said I do not trust her, and in general would get very upset that I even questioned her. So to avoid that, I really tried to let it go. I did.
I tried really hard to not think about her odd behavior, or how it felt like she was growing apart from me even though we just got engaged. I still do not know what to think.
A few days go by and we take our dog for a walk to a local coffee shop. When we get there, we run into this woman who was my fiancée's ex friend. Long story short, my fiancée blocked her because she did not respect our relationship, or boundaries. So, they have not seen each other or been in contact for years (as far as I knew). When we saw her it was so awkward... I could feel my fiancée wanting to run away from her, which made me feel weird. The girl also barely acknowledged my existence, which told me a lot. The situation was so awkward - the girl kept trying to talk to my fiancee, but my fiancee kept walking away with our dog trying to get rid of her. I just don't understand that behavior? I get it was awkward because they had a falling out, but to react so negatively makes me think something was going on.
Any time I would bring that situation up, she would get mad at me again and claim that I am looking for issues. I let it go, but I didn't.... her behavior, mixed with her phone usage made me think it was time to check her phones. I am not proud of doing so. I have not gotten to look too much on her new phone but since being together, she has gotten 2 new phones so there's 3 phones in our home that are hers.
I expected to find something, anything that would validate what what I feeling. However, what I found was probably worse to me? While for the most part, she has not "cheated" on me... she has lied about a LOT of things to me, and for years.
For instance, I found messages between her and one of her good childhood friends whom I've met, really liked prior to this, and would often invite over. They exchanged messages that were very sexual and flirtatious before my fiancee met me. We met in oct of 2020 and these texts were from august of 2020 which has left such a sour taste in my mouth. I am not upset that the two of them were flirty, and I do not think I would've been upset if things went further than that between them.. that happened before I was in the picture. But what upsets me is, she has been lying to me about it for the past almost 4 years. If she were to have told me this was her friend that she had sex with, or flirted with, or whatever, when we first got together or a long time ago... I would have had the choice to accept that or not. But now it feels like this woman is apart of my life too. She and her husband (yes shes married) are moving closer to our town because she misses family, but that gives them more of a reason to see each other.
Am I being unreasonable? They have been friends for at least 15 years and from what I can tell, they have taken "girls trips" together (where its just them without her husband) and spent a lot of time together. It all looks really bad imo. Again its not the fact that they had something in the past. I do not stay friends with people I have a sexual interest in, but I know not everyone is me and I could've accepted that if she was honest. Now, everything just feels spoiled for me. I worry every day that she's gonna cheat on me with this girl. If she was not looking to have an affair with her ever, why couldn't she just tell me they were involved? that's what stumps me. Both of them are lying.
On top of that, my fiancée ALWAYS initiates conversation with her and 8/10 of the times, she ignores her. My fiance sends her memes and tiktoks and the girl leaves her on read. She sends her messages telling her she is hoping she's okay and taking care of her mental health (which is fine) and the girl does not even respond. It's very clear this this is a one-sided thing and its my fiancee putting in the most work, which makes my stomach drop. am I being insecure?
I feel so stuck about this. I want to talk about it with her but I know it will lead to a fight. I would also have to explain how I knew about them being involved. That was only one thing I found on one of her phones.
On her very old phone, I discovered so much more. She was in a friends with benefits situation with a previous coworker who was very much straight and leading her on. This happened between 2019-2020. This woman clearly treated her like shit, but my fiancee was very obviously a simp for her. I think my fiancee was also kind of her Sugar Mama/Daddy? The way she talked to this girl... the way this girl had my fiancee's heart... it just felt gut wrenching. My Fiance called her beautiful a lot, told her how special she was, how she would make sure her and her son were okay... I don't know why but that broke me a bit.
I found out that this girl is blocked on all of my fiancée's social media which I appreciate, but she did not block her until 2022 when we were already together almost 2 years. I think this girl broke my fiancée's heart. In one of the messages, my fiancée writes her and says she loves her so much. I just want to mention that according to my fiancée, I am the first and only woman she has ever loved.
I also discovered that my fiance has been deleting messages from whatsapp, having secret conversations on facebook, and just moving sneakily.
one more thing I've noticed... at night time, when she thinks I'm asleep, I feel her turn to her side and reach for something. Sometimes it sounds like a phone, sometimes it sounds like a vibrator. I feel I have been awake next to her while she self-pleasured on a day where I was anticipating intimacy but got rejected by her because she was "tired".
I don't know. I appreciate anyone who took the time to read a stranger's sad life. I feel really stuck and not sure how to move forward, what to say, what to do, and just how to feel comfortable around her. I feel like I don't really know her and its my own fault, I should have never snooped. I don't think I will be in peace for a long time. I don't know what the best approach is to this situation because I am not ready to tell her I went through her phones. Maybe this is my karma.
I really am struggling.
thank you for listening