You've finished all 5 LNs, and want more, well this thread has you covered. This will go over what you can read next.

Official Stuff

• Turn Around and Face Me

Well, you've read the LNs, why not read Turn Around and Face Me, the sequel series, set years after the original? May and Aleah Francois are now teenagers, going to an All-Girls Academy. This series is more lighthearted, and won't have any earth-shattering consequences to it. It's just two dumb teenagers in love with people who aren't interested in them. TAFM is still ongoing, and we should be getting chapter 3 fairly soon.

• I'm in Love With the Villainess manga.

Same story from the LNs, with a lot more detail. Aono Shimo's art takes what is already a great light novel series, and brings it to life in greater detail. There is a lot added on here, helping to make this a wonderful experience. It's currently in the Investigation arc, and runs monthly in Yuri Hime.

• Inori's Skeb Stories.

These are commissioned works she's done, and their canoncity is essentially TBD. Only a handful are translated here, I'm unsure as to where the rest are.

• Manwha....sorta?

Look, I'll be real here, there's no legal way to read it in english, nor any illegal ways. If you're Korean, or read Korean, it's here.

Fanfiction

It's the lifeblood of this community, and there are so many talented writers to share. This one will be broken down into a few different categories, to help direct people towards something they might love.

Alternate Universes.

• Before the Morning Rush, AKA Coffee Loop.

Rae Taylor is a coffee shop barista, who has a crush on a regular customer, named Claire Francois. It's your typical Coffee Shop AU, that was one of the first big fics in the community, and continues to influence AU works. The sequel "A Quiet Cup of Cheer" is very good, and I highly recommend.

• Even in the Next One

"Claire Francois awakens to find herself in Japan, where Rae once lived out her past life. It’s not hard to find her wife once more, and given a second life surely it will be easy to live that one out with Rae once again and help Rae as she had helped her in Bauer. It’s hardly as if Rae will need convincing, right?
Rei Oohashi has had a crush on the icy Francois-san ever since university classes started, she is just so pretty. One would not have expected those feelings to be returned nor to have Francois-san claim they were wives in a previous life. And does Francois-san have no memories from this life either… oh no."
Essentially it's a reverse isekai, with Claire being a fish out of water. And it's full of Persona and Dungeon Meshi references. This has a NSFW companion piece from the lovely brooklynapple, which I will not link here.

• I Fragged the Villainess "American high school student Claire Francois has always risen to the occasion in her every endeavor. Now, however, she's facing perhaps her greatest challenge yet -- a first-person shooter game??? Determined to succeed, she logs in every night only to be thwarted again and again by another player with a rather peculiar gamertag. How will she react when she learns that her mysterious rival is actually another student from her school?"

The same writer also did an ESO Crossover, which I recommend reading!

• "The Queen's New Life"

"Rei "Quinn" Oohashi has a decently normal life. A job she excels at, a bothersome sister, a hobby she is undefeatable at. Things start to change when a blonde-haired fashion designer enters her life."
The story isn't very far along, but the writer is definitely having fun with this one.

• Villainess Calling

"Two trans women with very different backgrounds, and personalities. Claire Francois, is the epitome of elegance and grace, her father a wealthy politician. Beneath the facade of elegance however, lies a painful past, that she fears coming to haunt her. The Violin becoming her means of escaping her world, if only for a moment.
Rae Taylor, is a Punk Rock Bassist, who found solace in the raw energy of punk, channeling her anger and frustration into the pounding rhythms of her bass guitar. Running from her past, she attempts to make a fresh start somewhere much different. Despite the lonely pain she feels, she pushes past it, in an attempt to pretend she's someone she's not: Someone confident, and able to hide the pain from everyone around her.
A chance meeting intertwines their paths, forcing them to confront their painful pasts, and embrace their true selves. Through their shared love of music, a bond is formed, that may just help them both find happiness."
Fully admit, this is a shameless self-promotion. The first few chapters are rough, but if you enjoy punk music, or just want to see what it would be like if Rae and Claire, were trans? You'll enjoy this! This also has a NSFW companion piece which I will not link.

• Steam Punk Loop "We enter an era where technology is advancing. Not many of the common folks are capable of magic. Machines are developed to make their lives easier. The discovery of Steam Power has greatly advanced the lives of the Lower Class, at the displeasure of the Aristocrats. Magic, however, is still regarded as a higher power which most Aristocrats still wield and follow traditions. As technology grows, magic starts to fade as a higher power for the Lower Classes and questions arise, why are they bowing to Aristocrats' Magic when Steam is far greater now? Tensions grow, unrest spreads, how will the growing chaos be stopped?

Rae Taylor is the daughter of the General Store owners who sell all kinds of items and are part of the middle class.
Claire Francois is the daughter of one of the most powerful and influential Aristocrats who has control on most of the trades in the metropolis.
How can two hearts from two worlds meet at a time of uncertainty?"
Easily one of the most creative AU series, it's a fun one!

• From Enemies to Lovers.

"Rae Taylor works for the Lilium Mafia House-one of their best agents, never failed a mission. She is send to the Francois House to act as a spy and eventually eliminate their sole daughter-Claire Francois. However, little did she expect that this mission would not be as easy as she deemed."
Mafia Gays? Say no more, I'm in.

• Half-Outlaw, Half-Villainess

"Four years after the Black Mesa Incident, a gang of Outlaws including former Bureaucrat Orla Maguire and her Physicist Step-Brother, Gustavo Freeman are decimated following a disastrous heist in Panama, scattering them to the wind, and sending Orla adrift to another world, with a blonde noble girl glaring down at her.
Claire Francois must now teach this upstart commoner, who appears to go by Rae Taylor, the proper ways to act in the Kingdom of Bauer, while attempting to truly decipher who she is, why she does what she does, and why she keeps talking about 'Home' as if it were some far away place. Rae, formerly Orla Maguire, must hold out and come up with a plan in the scheming shadows of Bauer if she wants any chance of seeing her old world and family again, all while continuing to work for Claire, and realizing they have a much deeper connection than she initially thought.
Meanwhile in Panama, Dr. Gustavo Freeman is surprised by the arrival of another Noblewoman, facing evidence of string theory, and the ever encroaching threat of the so-called 'Combine' Empire that is now aware of Earth's existence. Time will tell, the currents are swirling... can Outlaws and Nobles truly find redemption?"
Half-Life meets ILTV, in an unexpected crossover!

Canon Divergent

These fics cover stories set within the main universe, but diverge from canon in some way.

• In Search of Spring.

"Claire François is madly in love—and that's a problem.
All the things she once valued now stand in her way. The nobility could never accept her loving a commoner. The church could never accept her loving a woman. Her father would be so disappointed in her. None of that matters to her anymore, not as much as creating a future for herself and Rae Taylor. To do that, they'll first have to survive the coming revolution, and to survive, they'll have to change.
But, maybe, even with the entire world is standing against her and her love, if they can change themselves they'll have a chance to change the world. So that's what they'll have to do—whatever it takes."
It's the top rated Wataoshi fic, and for a reason. It's extremely well written, and there is so much care put into this series.

• A Cleaved Soul

"In which Rae's Soul isn't simply a copy of the Demon Queen's Soul Data, but merely one half of the whole."
This has spoilers for LN5, so I recommend avoiding it, if you're reading this and have yet to complete LN5. In addition, the other has written "Memories of Another World" and "I'm in Love With my Best Friend"

• ILTV- Withering Begonia: Maybe in another life

"An exploration of Rei Oohashi's lives with Claire Francois. Major LN5 spoilers.
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.” -Anias Nin"

• Head Over Heels

"Claire is accidentally hit with a love spell during magic class and suddenly can't keep her hands off of Rae. Rae doesn't know what to do now that Claire is giving her a taste of her own medicine. How will our heroine overcome this daunting challenge?"
Brooklynapple has also written "a day worth celebrating" a cute Claire birthday piece, and "what we deserve"

• Please Don't Leave Me

"Rae's Duel with Manaria goes wrong
She wakes up back in her old life in Japan
Claire is left alone"
From the author of Eitno, we have a tearjerker, that is excellent.

• Perfectly Flawed

"A collection of short stories concerning Manaria Sousse from "I'm in Love With the Villainess." I recommend reading this after at least reading Volume 2, or after reading the whole story."

• Right Person, Different Status

"Rei wakes up in Revolution like in the original but.... She's royalty?"

• Manaria Murder Mystery

"After becoming Queen, Manaria tasks have piled up. However, something sinister has happened. Someone from her family has been murdered! She has to recruit her friends to help her solve the mystery."

• Black Lilies

" As the dust settles, and the world begins to heal, the once mighty Demon Queen, Rei Oohashi has been defeated. But her story does not end with her defeat, it is only just beginning. Rei has been offered a second chance, a chance to repent for her actions as the Demon Queen. Despite her inability to forgive herself, despite her lingering scars, one person sees through them all: Lilly Lilium.
A girl who despite her own scars, from her time as her father's assassin, wishes for nothing more than to help Rei to heal, even if she's incapable of doing so herself. Together they begin a journey spanning the Kingdom of Bauer, and beyond, whilst battling their own inner turmoil."
Again, shameless self-promotion.

• Lilly Lilium Is Not A Princess!

"After deciding to take another pilgrimage, Lilly finds herself in Melica, where a certain chestnut-haired woman waits."
A fic dedicated to an underrated pairing. It's cute, check it out
I realize I am missing quite a few fics, but it's almost 2AM and I'm tired. Is there a fic you enjoy that should be on the list? Comment and I'll add it! Writing your own and need tips? Comment!

My parents (age is in the title) were together for 24 years. Then had me 3 years after. They had been together for so long. But apparently dad got broken up with today when he went to her place and found a guy there and she told him she no longer loved him. And I couldn’t blame her. For the last 20 years, he would abuse her and us. He only started to somewhat change the last few years. But he is also an alcoholic.
Them being together is all I have known. I’m upset. Like, my dad wasn’t too upset about it as he had known something was up the last few years and their relationship hasn’t been good the last few years. He said he needs to focus on me. They never got married although my mother did but he was scared as his ex wife cheated on him and kept pushing back the marriage.
I’m devastated they aren’t together. I’m in a lot of pain. I don’t know how to get over it. I don’t know how I will. The thought of it being real hurts me a lot.
I know not everyone is black and white. Dad was an abuser, never cheated. My mum has now, I supposed but always would defend me and treat me the best she could as I grew up.
She wants me to meet the guy, and I’m more upset that I found out through my dad that a guy was there. She texted me they broke up but nothing more was said but then dad called a few hours later and said what happened. I texted her asking for confirmation as dad lies a lot and he drinks daily but she confirmed it. I asked for space and she said she was sorry that she hurt me in that way.
How do I get through with this? How did you get through your parents separating?
I’m just defeated I suppose.

Hey all, recently I’ve been feeling a calling tugging at me to go do some real good in the navy or marine corps. I’d like to be a doctor, SARC is my goal. Never shy away from exercise or pain so passing isn’t my worry. My problem is my astigmatisms, which aren’t too bad up close but at a distance tend to make silhouettes pretty fuzzy. Not sure if it’s correctable to 20/20, but it’s definitely not the worst eyesight. I can make do. First off, is it possible to go this route if that is the case and my vision is slightly poorer even with glasses? And second, would I be a liability to my countrymen if I have trouble making out details past 100 yds?
I feel hotly about what I need to do, but I refuse to be a liability out there for someone else. I’d like to hear your thoughts, and don’t hold back. Much appreciated.

To start off, I love my girlfriend. We don’t fight about anything big nor do anything to each other in bad faith. However, there are some things that worry me. We have been together for 4.5 years, and I have been having these thoughts and feelings for some time now. We have been together since high school, and sometimes it feels like we are just together because we have to be now.
For context, we have very different likes and opinions. We don’t like the same foods (except like pizza and other basic foods), have very different hobbies, enjoy different films/tv, listen to different music, the list can go on and on. For the most part, this has worked out for us, but I fear it could lead to disagreements in the future. My hobbies are very important to me and many of them are location-based. This is where things start worrying me. She has told me she is very strict about staying home and won’t take my input on the matter(I preferably want to move - because of my for-mentioned hobbies and because I do not enjoy where i live rn). This also applies to how she wants to live in general, like decorating the house or choosing dogs. My input has very little meaning to her, and it hurts. I have tried compromising, but she doesn’t budge. This isn’t a big issue now since we’re not moving out yet, but it worries me for the future.
Another concern is how I feel when we’re together sometimes. There are moments when I just want to be alone(she also does not understand why I want to be alone since she can be with me at all times of the day) . But as soon as she leaves, I feel a deep sense of missing her and guilt for wanting to be away from her. This confuses me. When I go on trips, I miss her, but as soon as I see her after the trip, I don’t want to be around her. Then, right after she leaves, I miss her dearly again.
I also get harmless crushes. I would never cheat on her, but I find myself looking at other girls and feeling a crush. I don’t know what to make of it, but I know I love my girlfriend and would never cross the line.
Going back to our different hobbies, it pains me that she doesn’t enjoy anything I like doing. I’ve tried to get her to do the simplest things I enjoy, but she isn’t interested. I know it’s okay for us to have different interests, but seeing other couples enjoy the things I love together makes me envious.
We’re so used to being together. During COVID and school, we saw each other almost every day for most of our relationship. Any long period of time apart is hard for us (mainly her). When we get careers, we’ll have to get better at not being together all the time, but she said she doesn’t want to do that. We’re privileged, but not enough to avoid working 40-hour weeks where we won’t be together as much. She even told me she’s not going to work full-time and expects me to carry us financially. My job potential is high-paying, but it feels selfish that she thinks this way, especially considering the lifestyle she wants.
We’ve talked about marriage a lot. I’ve told myself, her, and my parents that I want to marry her. But the more we talk about it, the more it seems like that’s not the life I want. Little things bother me too, like her saying she doesn’t want to take my last name when we get married. I don’t know if she’s joking, but she’s said this multiple times, even after I told her it means a lot to me.
I have thought about breaking up a lot. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. This would come as a complete blindside to her, I believe. But I also don’t like the timing. I don’t think I ever will though. I hate hurting her in any way. That’s why I’m so non-confrontational. She is easily hurt by what I say sometimes (I suck at communicating during arguments, and she knows this). I love her so much that hurting her pains me deeply. She is literally the only thing I’ve ever cried about in my adult years.
I really do love a large part of our relationship. I love so much about her and her personality. Thats another part of breaking up with her that really scares me. We can talk all day about nothing and I really cherish that. I have found not many people that I can do that with, especially with girls. In general, spending time with her is easy and effortless. The sex is great and we have real intimate moments together. On the outside looking in, theres so much to be proud of what we have made for each other. and if we breakup, I do not know if I'll ever find someone that loves me the same way she loves me.
But life is good now. That’s why I have all these fears. I see it turning sour when things get more serious (moving in together, starting careers). This is where I just don’t know what to do. I can see it out, like I have been doing, and maybe we live happily ever after, but for some strange reason, I have a pit in my stomach about the future. This also could lead to wasting both of our time down the line if I broke it off later(It kind of already feels like I wasted both of our time). Or I break it off, but I don’t even know where to start and also deeply afraid of hurting her. I also feel like I will feel extremely guilty.
This might seem like I am for sure breaking up with her. I just do not know what else to do. Maybe I just needed to type of all this down(maybe I need a therapist lol). I want to see a way out of this without breaking up. She means so much to me and even the thought of breaking up really does pain me. And I know it would pain her a lot. I am even afraid of having this conversation with her because she would take it as me breaking up with her. One time, I was trying to have this conversation with her but I backed off when I saw her breaking down(result of me having this deep compassion for her. but honestly, I do not know if its really being compassionate in my scenario). I just wish there was an easy solution but I do not know any more. Hopefully someone has some valuable input.
Sorry for all the "but"s and being all over the place - I am not a very good writer lol.

Aka your roadmap to the leaderboard!
Who am I? A dojo obsessed masochist who is nearing the end of mirroring every dojo fight (beating enemies with their weapon and style)
I’ve gotten on the leaderboard a few times in the process and it’s gotten me more interested in how it all works and figured sharing what I’ve learned can help others
Alright let’s start by breaking down the scoring, which will lead into some more detailed breakdown of things
You’re score is based on 3 things
Time
Damage
Technique
First off, Time. This is really your DPS score, the faster you kill the enemy the higher the score, I’ve seen upwards of around 4600 I think and I’m not sure you can get much higher than that, but this is truly a measure of how well you kill things.
Next: Damage. This is actually scored based on how much damage YOU take, with a max score of 4200. Now if you take even a single hit, that drops down 1-200 points depending on the severity of it and can quickly drain your score if you keep getting hit
Now if you’re only worried about the master rank of 7k, you can kinda see how just no hitting and killing fast regardless of anything else gets you there
So here’s where it gets more interesting
Tech. This is scored on 3 different things. How many crits you get, how many countersparks you get, and how many martial arts you land
The martial arts part I think has a quality and quantity score, aka landing a few big ass hits scores just as well landing a bunch of weaker ones, which is why you’ll still see good tech scores from Greatswords and Odachis despite less total MAs used
Now prior to the most recent update, it was just Crits and Countersparks, and typically the ceiling for that score was around 1600 or so. Now though, you can get tech scores 2000-2500+ if you’re landing martial arts all over. Sometimes then it’s actually worth it to drag a fight out a bit longer in order to get more Countersparks and MAs landed. You might lose 2-400 points on the time, but potentially gain 800+ on tech in the process
Again for the 7k threshold, this is easy as hell to reach with the change, but if you’re going for something higher like the leaderboard, you more or less have to do damage exclusively with Martial arts. After all any regular hit done doesn’t get you any points in itself (but if it helps you kill faster then it helps your time score)
So it serves you well to figure out what combination of MAs work for you and your favorite styles. Violent Gale and Flash attacks are also pretty crucial to this, not because they score points by themselves but they allow you to more quickly transition from skill to skill so you can land more scoring Martial Arts. PLUS they help your Ki management and recovery.
So how do you get in the leaderboard? Simple really
Don’t get hit, counterspark damn near everything thrown at you, deal damage almost exclusively with Martial arts, and get at LEAST one critical hit in the process. 2 is better but not always possible
Pre 1.05 9000 pts was sorta the threshold for “great”, didn’t take a perfect no hit run but overall excellent play. 10k+ was the realm of absolute perfection (or pre nerf Unearthly Flame)
Post 1.05, 9k isn’t such a hard thing to achieve, I’d say 9700ish is the new equivalent of that, with 10k+ being the next step, and likely puts you on the leaderboard. Absolute perfection with a meta strategy puts you in the 11k range
And not all fights are created equally, as an example I think Genzui first dojo fight actually has a higher scoring potential than the fierce version because of the mock vs actual combat, allowing you to get an extra crit and more countersparks
Let’s also compare the 2 different types of dojo fights. Mock combat and Actual Combat
Mock combat is with wooden weapons, damage is much lower and fights tend to be longer because of it. For your gear you’re only benefiting from your 4 armor pieces and 4 accessories so builds are more limited. In these fights, you’re often able to get 2 crits and sometimes 3 if you play well
Oh and if you like running 6 katana styles you need to enter into the dojo with 2 equipped, once you’re in the menu only gives you access to one of each weapon (except bayonet because its rifle and shotgun bullets)
This has made some of my sequential mirror fights a pain because I try to double up on weapons to flash attack between the same style
Actual combat is basically toned down real shit. You have access to your normal weapons, though they’re downtuned for base damage which means your bond transferred skills and set bonuses also apply. The base damage is higher compared to wooden weapons, on top of having more of your build available, leads to shorter, bloodier fights. If you use hard hitting big weapons sometimes a second crit is hard to come by because of the sheer DPS. Oh you also get your grapple hook! That can be a big deal if you’re running the Dragon set to make use of its grapple max ki damage
And now we get into some more details about MAs I’ve found work EXTREMELY well for dojo scoring, my MVP list
Remember the tech score includes critical hits and MA landing? Well there are some skills that do BOTH, so you get a double count on your score for using them. I highly recommend having one in your arsenal, and several veiled arts are included so there’s some flexibility
Now the downside of these arts is your Ki recovery is slower to start up after use compared to a regular triangle crit so be aware. Also the actual critical blow portion tends to come at the end of the move, so there’s a bit of lead time with it. The slower ones you’ll maybe consider using to actually be part of the final depletion process, but if you’re committed to a big combo that ends up fully depleting an enemy, there may not be enough time to do the entire art with the crit at the end, in those instances just take the regular crit
I apologize if the names are off, I’m doing this off memory at the moment
The number one art? Nozuchi Drop on Odachi (Mumyo). This is a triple threat. It’s a skill, it does a crit on a Ki depleted enemy, and on a panicked enemy it suplexes them. Plus it’s FAST and useful even if you’re not in a scenario to use the extra functions. Even when it takes the crit it’s a very fast and short animation which can save you precious time for your score. Plus the crit happens almost immediately so you run less of a risk of missing the crit compared to other moves. Works great in combos too because of its speed and as a standalone for the panic grab after deflecting attacks
Next I like Roaring Blade on Tennen Rishin Latana. It does a big ki pulse that can do a good deal of Ki damage and the downward slash can take the critical hit, good at the end of a combo when an enemy is near depletion.
Night raven(Mumyo) and Spring Storm (Jigen) on Katana. These are triple threats in a different way, and are especially useful in Mock Combat because they count as grapple attacks, so they can trigger the Dragon grapple ki without having your grapple! Oh and they also can take critical hits, so excellent choices all around
Twin Dragons (Mumyo) on paired swords. This is a GREAT art, it is fast, does a bunch of hits, does great Ki damage especially when blocked, and can take the crit
Bone Shatterer on bayonet. This is another solid one, does a great deal of Ki damage, does a BIG crit hit on Ki depleted, and overall just fun to use
Demon Bear on Greatswords. Decent, animation for the crit is a little long but you do start regenerating Ki sooner when you use it compared to others
There are others, every style (except unarmed) I think has at least one Veiled Art that can also crit but these are my favs
A couple non criticals worth mentioning
Autumn Current (Hokushin Itto) is a solid choice, does great damage, even better Ki damage (especially if they’re blocking) and you can run it as long as you have Ki. Be wary of overcommitting with it though, its easy to do
Shadow Double, a bit slow overall but can strip Ki very well. Gives you a somewhat long range option too. Not sure it’s worth using as a VA on another katana style but Gikei is a solid shinobi style so it’s there for you
Mugai-ryu Firecracker. Not a veiled art, has a tricky range, and a long recovery after using it. But it does a FUCK ton of Ki damage, if you use it after a violent gale so that you’re very close to an enemy that helps ensure it hits. I’m planning to experiment more with this one after I finish my mirror challenges
And if you haven’t checked out the write up on Panic, I’d recommend giving it a read, as learning to understand, plan, and manage panic is really the key to getting those low to no-hit high score runs
https://reddit.com/riseoftheronin/comments/1d5d23l/panic_is_maybe_the_most_important_mechanic_in/
That’s all I can think of at the moment, so get out there and start scoring some points!

I've just ended a 6 month relationship with my girlfriend. Rather, she ended things with me. We moved in together after 4 months and immediately got super comfortable with each other's routines.
I don't like watching porn and have turned my use down since we started dating; I used to go once a day until we started dating, then I started doing it less and less because I love her. I started at 12 and had been watching it since then. I don't watch porn (PIV sex nor OF) but TikTok thirst traps and stopped when she saw my 'favourites' tab for the first and last time on that app. I've deleted my accounts and uninstalled the app since then. She has caught my collection a few times and one by one I delete the rest. I've maybe deleted an entire hard drive or two at this point but buying lingerie for her turns me on, so that's not even enough for her. She was clear about it and set a boundary that I broke for the last time, so this was definitely my fault.
I consider the literal act of sex with a person not your partner as cheating. But when a habit becomes an addiction, kicking it means kicking it alone. When I admitted that I have an addiction, she cried. The betrayal trauma was real. "It's the same as cheating on me", she said. I understood.
Yet I kept doing it. Again. And again. Less this time.
She says she was never like this before, and I caused all these trust issues. I made her feel insecure about herself and any girl she sees on social media she thinks of me. I told her kicking this habit isn't going to be easy and I would like her support as I kick this habit. But no dice.
The recovery process is difficult, and I relapsed after a month of genuine no porn, no thirst traps. Not good enough. I know that recovered meth addicts don't use meth once a month, but why is it so hard for me? Is it my ADHD? Or has the habit been part of my teenage years hard to kick? My lack of support network? All of the above? I digress.
I distracted myself when I start having those thoughts because it usually means I'm bored. I tried equating it to her vaping addiction (to which I'm highly against, but I loved her more than I hated her vaping), but she wouldn't have it. When she needs help to stop vaping, she asks me for help and I'm always against cold turkey. But when I need help kicking it, I'm met with insults and passive-aggressiveness. Can you expect a person, let alone a dude who's in recovery, to keep a solid mind when the person he loves says things about his addiction?
My trigger is when I don't feel loved. When I love, I love a lot. Showered in love. So when my love is met with angehatred, I cower away and turn back on the promise and boundary we set because I feel really hurt in that moment, having some semblance of control brings me back. Haven't done that recently, nor in this recent incident.
I didn't expect her to shower me with love or have sex every time those thoughts came up. I just didn't want to be hurt or reminded. I'm not mean about her addiction. Every time she tried to kick the habit and started vaping again I said we would try again. I'm not perfect, nor do I expect anyone to be. Yet I feel I am held to a standard that is very difficult for me to achieve without a support network. I lost someone I love because I got turned on while looking for things that would suit her. I seem to have no control over my urges. I strive to be better everyday but sometimes life is pain, sometimes even to live is an act of courage.
I didn't like it when she read my diaries either, but she got more mad than I did at that time.
In any case, she's left for work and I'm defending the fort. She's leaving for her friends' house in a few days, she just needs to pack. For real this time. Since she's done this before (leaving for things not porn-related) and I set a boundary with her earlier that I will take her at face value if she says something like she's leaving me, or that she will cheat on me.
I'm using a pornfree app that costs money, but whatever the cost is to kick this habit I will spend, even if it cost me my girlfriend. I hope to view on this chapter later in my life as a late coming-of-age event, where a boy was forced to grow up and be a man in 8 months or risk losing the person he loved. He becomes a man, but still loses the girl.
I don't expect sympathy; I broke a promise and boundaries and don't deserve forgiveness from her. I just want to vent.

So I just finally finished LF a few days ago (after rotting on the library waitlist for months!), and I was really pleasantly surprised by the way Tanaka was written. Now part of that is just that I'm a big sucker - as both a reader and a writer - for taking apart characters who are irredeemable bastards and seeing what makes them tick. I was really curious to see other fans' takes on her, and it looks like she was pretty polarizing as a POV characters - some of you guys, like me, really loved to hate her (and maybe even dip a tentative toe into feeling sorry for her), and some of you just plain hated her (and that's fine - some people prefer being able to like their POV characters. I'm not one of those people). However, I haven't seen anyone really say much about the significance of her interest in (love of, really) art and art history. So I wanna talk a little about that.
The takes I've seen have largely come down to either, "It didn't fit with her character and felt really random," which I'm about to disagree with HARD, or "It served as a device to show that there was more to her that meets the eye, and that she could have gone down a completely different path." This one, I agree with, but I also think there's a lot more to it.
(1) So let's talk about why art history specifically. Why not something else seemingly 180 degrees away from being a Marine, like gardening or culinary science? As an artist who takes myself unapologetically seriously, I have had a lot of conversations with an artist friend of mine lately about the intimacy of art. Art is both an expression of individuality and a vehicle of profound, often terrifying, connection. The former is what Tanaka regards as the core of her being, while the latter is anathema to her. She is drawn to art precisely because it exists in a space of tension between her comfort zone and her deepest fears. It is the razor edge that she loves to walk.
I've said before that I think of art as a form of telepathy - you are trying to capture something inside your own mind and externalize it in a way that it is transmitted into the mind of another person. When Tanaka begins experiencing this very literally in a manner she can't control, it's her worst nightmare. But she loves art because it is a version of this that she can control. It's an outlet for her to fulfill the fundamentally human need for connection when it's never been safe (both literally and psychologically) for her to do so through any other means. She learned that as a child when she sought a hug and got a slap in the face instead.
A number of the art pieces she contemplates are emotionally intense. The Third Miko in particularly is memorable because it is a heavy piece, full of vulnerability and grief and dread. These are the kinds of pieces that not only did the artist have to rip themselves open and pour their soul into in order to produce, but the audience is required to do the same to some extent in order to fully experience them. Turning soul-crushing sadness into usable rage isn't alchemy - it's more like a refinement process; it takes a lot of energy, and there is a lot of waste runoff that still has to go somewhere. For Tanaka, that's where it goes. That's the safe place to put it. Inside of someone else's pain, where no one will ever know it's yours.
(2) The other thing I wanted to talk about hinges on a "blink and you miss it" detail that, for me at least, completely reframed the whole picture regarding the "two roads diverged" aspect of Tanaka's life, and that's the casually dropped revelation that she never actually had a choice in the first place. The way this was written, I'm absolutely certain it was a very deliberate choice by JSAC to undermine the assumptions we as readers had been previously led to make.
The "two roads" framing comes up explicitly three times in the book. The first time is in Chapter 24: "Tanaka hadn’t thought about that painting in decades, or about what a very different life she would have lived if she’d made a few different decisions at the start." The next mention is in Chapter 31, when Dr. Ahmadi is reviewing Tanaka's file. She says, "You refused an advanced scholarship in order to enlist." Both of these references frame it very explicitly as a choice. But then, a few pages later, it's revealed that it actually wasn't: "If Aunt Akari had let her study art history instead of enlisting in active service, where would she be right now? And who would be tracking down the high consul? What else—how many thousands of other things—would be different?" (emphasis mine).
This detail and the way it was just slipped in there actually made me feel terribly sad for her because it reveals that this was, in fact, never where she wanted to be at all. This is more a matter of interpretation, but my takeaway was that the whole thing about her preferring a repressive society might be less the truth and more of a narrative she tells herself because she has spent her entire life deprived of any kind of real agency. It's true that someone who has never experienced life outside a pressure cooker environment might rapidly decompress like a blobfish upon being removed from it (I'm reminded of the memoir The Girl With Seven Names, where the author's mother and brother can't adapt to life outside of North Korea and want to go back), but that's less about being naturally well-suited to it and more about being deeply and maybe irreversibly maladapted.
When Tanaka tells herself she loves life under the boot because it gives her something to push back against, she's making the best of a bad situation by pretending her lack of agency is actually just a really sophisticated form of agency. It's because the only love she has ever known is the threat of consequences, with the only realistic alternative being complete apathy. It's the same mentality that makes abuse victims blame themselves - because, in some ways, the version of events where you were totally helpless and at the mercy of other people and a cold, uncaring universe is more distressing than the version where you brought it upon yourself through your own choices and actions. Wanting (and presumably asking her aunt's permission) to study art history, only to be forced to enlist in the marines instead is just another variation of her reaching for a hug and getting a slap. But if someone cares enough to slap you in the face, at least that means they care, right? "Laconia would put two in the back of my head because they care about what I think and do" is still a nicer story than "Laconia would put two in the back of my head because I'm nobody and nothing and completely disposable to them." It also made me wonder what was meant earlier by "if she’d made a few different decisions at the start." What does she tell herself she could have done differently to change a fate that was never in her hands to begin with?
TL;DR Tanaka loves art because it's the only way she can safely experience human connection, and it's implied she actually would have chosen to study art history if her aunt hadn't forced her to enlist.

I had my first psychosis at age 17. Since then I have been to the psych ward 10+ times and rehab 3 times. I’m 24 now. Every delusion I was able to conquer and rise up from, but for the past two years, there has been a dilemma that comes in painful waves, and that dilemma is mind reading. I have to stop myself from thinking about it when it first starts up in my brain or else it will get ugly real quick. To explain what happens when I am like this, my entire reality, my entire livelihood all my experiences all my memories, they become irrelevant and everything is at stake. It all vanishes and it’s like my body is hanging on a thread. The fear is immense and crippling. I mean to think you’re not safe in your own thoughts, it’s insanity. I am a guy and not afraid to say this has made me cry many many times. It just never seems to go away. I try and use logic as much as I can, like “How is poker a thing if we can read minds”, or, to try and justify, I’ll stare at some random stranger and in my head I’m screaming “Look at me! look at me!” But they never do…
I’m not boasting here but let me just say, I truly have an amazing life and nothing to complain about. I am confident I will find a girl as I like to think I am pretty confident and attractive, and I also graduated from CU Boulder University and have a near six figure income. I take life seriously, and my lows prevented me from sitting on my butt. There was just too much pain in the way, the pain of being a nothing in life, that drove me to be highly successful. I haven’t been to the psych ward in 2 years. With that being said, I don’t really get bad lows anymore. If it’s a low nowadays, it’s from this dilemma.
Moral of the story I reread many bipolar info pages and what really hit me was many of them explained how we, as bipolar patients, ignore all logic when it comes to delusions. And you know what? That really helped me. It really hit home. It happened again earlier today, the dilemma. I thought about getting a therapist today as I felt I had to tell someone, but I guess I’ll just type this here, and title it “Off My Chest”. Thanks for reading I was just tired of holding this in for so long. I felt like I needed to tell someone. Couldn’t tell my friends without tainting the relationship. Couldn’t tell my parents without them calling the psych ward police on me. Just very alone dealing with this alone. And for something so stupid like “mind reading”.

Hello everyone. I can't thank you enough for all the help I've received here on this subreddit. I've taken your valuable advice and fixed a number of things, but I'm sure I'm still missing some things. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
--
Query
Dear [Agent],
Mark, a journalist who reports from troubled regions to make the world a better place, goes to Heaven after an untimely death. With all the comforts God has to offer, Mark grows increasingly frustrated with the lack of challenges. So when he discovers that Heaven has a therapy for unhappy souls like himself, he gives it a try. And Mark is horrified to learn that the therapy is the live-streaming of Hell's tortures, also known as Hellflix.
Worse, if Mark doesn't complete the therapy and become happy, he will be condemned to Hell. He gives in and becomes a voyeur of others' misery, but then he realizes that new Hellflix episodes are reruns. With the revelation that communication with Hell has been cut off, Heaven wants to find out what's going on. And fast, as its citizens—including Mark—are driven mad with curiosity and concern.
Mark, with his journalistic experience in the harsh conditions, is sent to investigate Hell, where he discovers a shocking truth. There has been a revolution, and now free, many sinners are seeking repentance. While Heaven exploits Hell's political divisions to send the guilty back to suffer, the revolutionists urge Mark to expose Hellflix's dark secrets and unite Hell. He will be eternally damned with billions of others if they fail, but Mark is up for the risk if he can make the world better. He just doesn't know which way to go—bring happiness back to Heaven or save Hell from eternal torment, especially when he doubts that the wicked can truly be redeemed.
ASCENSION TO HELL is an adult contemporary fantasy at 114,000 words, a standalone book that has series potential. It will appeal to those who enjoyed mystery aspect of paranormal realms as in SIGN HERE by Claudia Lux, and modern-day take on the conflict between Heaven and Hell as in THE LIBRARY OF THE UNWRITTEN by A.J. Hackwith.
[BIO] I specifically wrote to you due to [insert reason here]. I am happy to make the full manuscript available upon request and eagerly await your response.
Warm regards,
[Insert name]

First 300
Long was the line. But I won’t add some typical adverbs here, like unbelievably and infinitely, to emphasize the point. Well, it might make our hardship sound like that of people waiting in line for a new iPhone, and I hate to give you that impression. In truth, the real pain of the line came more from not knowing where it would end than from its length. The Line of the Dead moved forward, twisting and turning like a giant snake. And I, one of the countless scales clinging to its sinister and hideous body, could only wait in vain, no matter how fast it moved or how far it went.
Why did I not think of breaking free and running away, then? Before I tell you this, I must tell you about the six of us who endured the long wait together.
First up goes Lewis.
I was behind the line before the hot Spanish sun, reflected off the chrome bumper of the truck that had hit me, faded from sight. We were standing in a wasteland where the vast, desolate plain offered nothing but peculiar rocks on the distant horizon. I looked behind me to find a multitude of people, their numbers growing, perhaps wearing the same bewildered faces as mine. I hadn’t taken a single step, yet these people had already placed me in line and made me an inseparable part of it.
Then I looked forward again and met the black eyes of a handsome young man who must have died right before me. The man, whose name I would later learn was Lewis, was confused, angry, frustrated, and most of all, in love. There was enough will in his blazing eyes to kill me again if I had thwarted a certain goal of his. Not finding what he was looking for behind him, the man ran straight ahead.

I have been struggling with vulvodynia and vaginismus for well over a year now and I have tested my fair share of relief products from over the counter to all natural to prescribed products. I have compiled a list of my favorite products and tips for reducing your pain and discomfort.
The Honey Pot: Anti-itch Soothing Wipes
https://thehoneypot.co/products/anti-itch-soothing-wipes
I always keep these wipes on me. They are perfect for itching, burning, and any other discomfort you may have. I’ll sub these in for tp if i’m having a real rough pain flare up. They are gentle, soothing, and immediately effective. If you are going to pick up one of the items on the list, this should be it!
The Honey Pot: Soothing Wash
https://thehoneypot.co/products/soothing-wash
I bought this in pair with the wipes and I will say it’s not as powerful but definitely helps for irritation in the shower. My vulvodynia can be aggravated by shower products and I have found that rinsing with this at the end of the shower really helps..
Coconut Oil (Any brand)
I have found that a lot of my discomfort and pain can be traced to lack of moisture. I like to take a little bit of coconut oil and moisturize the vulva. It has soothing effects as well as bringing the moisture back to your most gentle skin. It’s just like putting lotion on after the shower, sometimes your kitty needs some too.
4% Lidocaine (Prescribed Solution)
When the pain is completely unbearable, sometimes the only thing that could offer relief was the lidocaine. I got prescribed a liquid solution that I would apply on a cotton round. It definitely came in clutch when I could anticipate the pain. I would go to school for 7 hours a day and I knew I would be sitting for most of it. I would apply the lidocaine a couple times throughout the day to lessen the burning feeling. The only negative aspect is when you can’t anticipate a flare up, so you have to wait for the numbness to kick in.
Good Clean Love: Restore Moisturizing Vaginal Gel
https://goodcleanlove.com/collections/assortment/products/restore%C2%AE-moisturizing-vaginal-gel-products?variant=42223652339896
To be honest, I have used this product the least out of the list, however, that doesn’t mean it won’t work for you. I haven’t had a significant amount of relief with the internal moisturizer to share many thoughts on it, but it was helpful after sex to reintroduce moisture. I find that my pain can be intensified after the act due to the friction and stripping of my natural moisture.
Good Clean Love: Relief Gel Pain & Itch with Lidocaine 4%
https://goodcleanlove.com/collections/assortment/products/relief-gel-pain-and-itch-with-lidocaine?variant=41612133826744
This product is fairly equivalent to the coconut oil, however, it has that little extra lidocaine for the increased relief. If you're looking for something more natural, go for the coconut oil, otherwise invest in this product. It was great for quick bathroom trips during the day to refresh moisture and help calm the pain. I will say though, the prescribed lidocaine is much stronger in effectiveness when it comes to numbing the burning sensation.
Donut Pillow: Amazon
This was extremely helpful for long periods of sitting and road trips. Sitting for long amounts of time is one of my biggest antagonizers for my vulvodynia so this pillow was a huge lifesaver. It made sitting so much more bearable, especially in combination with the moisturizers and lidocaine.
Dilators: Amazon
I was instructed by my physical therapist to try out a set of dilators to tackle the vaginismus. I can definitely say they made the biggest difference. Not only does it help lessen the tension with sex, it also helps tackle the fear and anticipation of pain. As you graduate sizes, the pain lessens and soon, sex does too. A tip my pt shared with me was to get dilators that resemble your partner. For example, if they have a curve, find a curved dilator set. Customize your treatment to make it the most effective for you!
Tips:

• If tp hurts too much, try flushable wipes or baby wipes. (make sure they are fragrance free and sensitive skin safe)
• If tampons are hard to insert or painful, try lube. You can buy tampon lubricant (a popular brand is Marlow) on amazon (easy for on the go) or do it yourself.
• Be careful with shampoo and conditioner! It may wash down in places you don’t notice and cause irritation.
• Sleep commando. Especially if you have comfy, loose pjs pants.
• If nothing else helps, take an eddie (ouid has been a huge help with managing my flare ups, but it’s not for everyone)

I hope this was helpful to those struggling as well and if you have any favorite products or tips, please share them! I’m still trying to manage my vulvodynia and vaginismus, so advice is greatly appreciated. <3

The most effective study methods for academic success boil down to:
Time management
There are countless time management techniques, but one beautiful thing about going to school is that a lot of your time is managed for you.
The week and when you need to be in class is arranged.
Professors tell you when assignments are due, etc.
Heck, when I was in university they even gave us calendars for use to write in our due dates.
So the number one thing is to combine what you know with the tools everyone has: the calendar.
In many cases, you can also get advanced notices from professors by simply talking to them before the semester even begins.
You would also do well to explore techniques like the Eisenhower Matrix, time blocking and the Pareto Principle.
Above all, make time management something you study unto itself.
There's no one-size-fits-all approach. But those who study it as the discipline it is will win.
Study Environment Optimization
Studying effectively cannot be random or subject to interruptions.
If you have to study on transit, invest in custom ear plugs of the kind musicians use, not noise-cancelling headphones that will put you at risk in the case of an emergency. Custom ear plugs have filters that let you still hear without being bothered by shrill noises and you can switch between light and heavy filters.
Having multiple study locations worked out in advance is a great strategy because you can walk between them and percolate your thoughts – literally remembering more by simply getting in a bit of exercise. I used to call this "Road Work" when I was in university.
When at home, put a "Do not disturb" sign on your door. Make it clear to others that you are studying and train them to respect the hours you want to put it. Do not compromise. It's your future.
Note-Taking Strategies
There are many different kinds of note-taking methods. My fave is to use Zettelkasten in combination with Memory Palaces.
These two videos detail how the Zettelkasten Method operates in combination with the Memory Palace technique:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIQRiqQFKQY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrN0kaE6DkY
Memory techniques
Like time management, the topic of memory improvement is huge. Make sure to spend a good three months learning all of its ins-and-outs.
The key techniques you'll want to master are:
The Memory Palace A Alphabet System (or pegword system) A Number System (usually based on the Major System) A Symbol System A Spaced Repetition system
These accelerated learning techniques may feel like you're building an airport in the beginning, but think about it:
You do need airports to launch and land planes as effectively and efficiently as possible. It's the same with memory techniques.
You can also do yourself a favor and learn more about memory science. It will teach you about how the mind and memory work and give you ideas that will only arise if you know a little bit about what researchers have found.
Stress Management For Students
Don't make my mistake. I drank like a fish and ate poorly throughout university. This meant that a lot of the experience was lost to depression.
Sure, memory techniques helped… but I can't help but imagine how much more successful I would have been during and after if I'd had better ways of coping with the stress.
Diet, fitness, mindfulness practices, time off with friends for positive and healthy recreation. This is not complicated, though when you're young, impulsivity can certainly make it seem that way.
Exam Preparation Strategies
This basically comes back to properly using your calendar and memory techniques.
For the benefits of what is sometimes called state-dependent or context-dependent memory, it can be useful to study where you will take your exams. It's advisable to use Memory Palaces based on these exam rooms whenever possible.
(Those terms are the kinds of insider memory hacks you'll enjoy only when you understand your memory science, and there are many more that can help you with your exam prep.)
Take mock tests as much as you can. Reflect on what you're learning often. Talk about it with other students.
Don't cram and avoid wasting time on the fantasy that there are any "subject-specific study tips." Maybe if you're in nursing school and need to have patient bodies in specific position, but generally tests are about words, numbers and symbols. Learn how to commit them to memory and talk as much as you can about the information so it is well-exercised before you sit for your exams.
Form Effective Study Groups
There are many benefits to group study if you can select solid group members. This can be tricky, but one way to do it involves a slightly involved strategy:
Try to be part of a club or association. I was president of the English Undergraduate Student Association at York University in Toronto, for example. This drew precisely the right people because anyone who wanted to be part of the association already loved English Literature by default.
After you find the right members, it's just a matter of scheduling regular meetings based on decent agendas and following reasonable time limits so you don't burn out.
One thing my fave study group in university did a lot was to share reading. In other words, we'd each tackle an article or book and then present on it.
Ultimately, you still have to do the reading yourself, but it forms a nice mental framework that makes reading faster and easier when someone you can speak with has summarized the core ideas. These days, you can search YouTube and podcasts for this kind of summarization much of the time, but it's still not the same as being in a study group with other people.
You also get experience with peer teaching and tutoring this way, which is hugely beneficial for your memory. Even if you never intend to teach yourself, the simple effort that goes into preparing and delivering short presentations will benefit you in the short-term for your exams and long-term in your career. Collaborative learning also gives you something powerful to put on your resume, especially if your study group is linked with a formal university institution or group.
Work On Your Reading And Comprehension Skills
The main shortcut here is to simply read a lot, boost your vocabulary as you go by memorizing terms and write summaries as much as you can.
Doesn't sound like a shortcut, I know. But it really is. It helps develop pattern recognition and that's how you ultimately wind up quickly assessing the key points and inferring many things correctly.
Be humble, though. Mistakes will always happen, so be willing to go back and read things again.
Another key aspect of reading is to challenge yourself. Get outside of your comfort zone and read above your level at least a few times a week.
Don't worry about whether you understand what you're reading or not. Soon, moments of insight will arise.
Even if it doesn't happen soon, rest assured that will. There are aspects of philosophy that didn't come clear to me until after 30 years of reading. I'm not ashamed of this at all. I just haven't read and reflected enough to connect the dots. But if I had read above my level sooner, I probably would have had the insights sooner.
Motivation and Discipline
Technically, motivation is not necessary when you have systems. That's what discipline is all about.
That said, it's useful to know about intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. These will be arranged differently in different people as some people respond well to threats of pain whereas others respond better to promises of reward.
Know thyself.
Hire a coach if you have to, as it will be worth it in the end. Many exist and some universities have behavioral science programs, learning disability labs and other institutions where you can learn more directly about these issues.
Finally, you can learn about the difference between tonic and phasic dopamine relative to how the Default Mode Network of your brain is in a kind of battle with the Task Positive Network. This area is kind of heavy on the brain science, but well worth an afternoon or two to figure out the implications in your life.
Just watch out: When optimizing your dopamine levels for motivation, you could wind up enlightened and have your ego make you think you're better than everyone else… which would not be enlightenment. But it'll sure feel that way.
That's why the next category is so important.
Make Time To Learn Critical Thinking
A lot of education involves humans who weigh what they teach and how they teach it based on subjective agendas. It's pretty difficult for anyone not to do that.
When you spend some time developing your critical thinking skills, you'll be able to determine when teachers and writers/video creators, etc. are being too subjective or otherwise slaves to any number of cognitive biases.
Likewise, you'll be able to spot them in yourself and weed many of them out before they can distract you.
The simplest way to use critical thinking while studying is to put Why, Where, When, Who and How up on a Memory Wheel and constantly rotate through it.
As you learn more about different thinkers, you can also start to ask, "What would Freud say about this? What would Skinner say? What would x say?"
To do this, study as many of the sciences and Liberal Arts as you possibly can. If you don't know where to start, go through the Trivium and then the Quadrivium. Knowing how to think through those seven lenses and ask what the major figures in each field would generally say will help you "triangulate" just about any issue and think both objectively and subjectively about it and know which is which.
Self-Assessment And Improvement
Ultimately, the best judge of your progress is you.
To make sure you're giving yourself good materials to judge yourself by, journal, ideally daily.
If you can, keep two journals:
A snapshot journal that simply lists what you did on a particular day.
A discursive journal where you reflect on your thoughts about how things went.
There are many formal products you can buy that will help you journal in particular ways. The Freedom Journal has been one of my faves, but the real tip is to experiment with as many journaling styles as you can in the two main styles I just mentioned.
As you can tell, there's not that much when it comes to embracing a wide number of learning strategies. Apply these tips to the study resources you need to cover on your way to the exam room and you'll do well.
Take Care Around Technology And Studying
There are tons of apps that can help "gamify" these activities, but at the end of the day, gamification is really just a mental metaphor. If it doesn't work for you, find a better metaphor.
Nir Eyal discussion the power of mental metaphors based on some research in Indistractable and more on the matter is found in The Victorious Mind by yours truly. There was even recently a Duke University study showing just how powerful adopting mental metaphors can be for remembering information.
Academic success can indeed be enjoyable, and all the more so when you work out what will make it enjoyable and meaningful for you. Personalize as much of the journey as you can, constantly applying critical thinking to every suggestion you come across and all of your study experiences will become much, much more rewarding.

Inebriated Conversations

After eight long and grueling hours, we began our rapid descent from the heavens. I never really got the: “did it hurt when you fell from heaven” pickup line until we hit the tarmac. The force of the impact nearly knocked my head into the seat in front of me, so fuck yeah, it hurt when I fell from heaven. I’d imagine even Lucifer himself had a softer landing than we did. He also didn’t have to endure the stomach churning and nauseating food that was served on the plane, but I digress, at least we had finally reached our destination. A land not so far away that only varied in appearance, but the truth was this mystical and magical land, deep down, was no different from the place I grew up or attend college. As I waited in purgatory, the security line, I began wondering if I was dreaming. Was I really in London or even a different country for that matter? The line, which seemed so much longer than the European and the U.K., line was filled with fellow Americans. Perhaps they are still acrimonious about us beating them in the Revolutionary War, so they decided that this was ample punishment for our victory. Whatever the case, we finally made it through security, then collected our bags. I saw my relatively new bag with the bowtie on the handle and was relieved that it had not been lost or left in the United States. We met our tour guide, Emma, who at first glance seemed to be very different. She had an unusual hair cut that was much shorter than ones most woman her age would have, but I soon learned that her appearance, much like London’s, would not be any indication of what lies beyond. When we finally escaped from limbo, the airport, we were put on a coach bus, and taken to our hotel. I was exhausted and in need of a shower, but all I could do was drop my luggage off, then swiftly return to the lobby. As we stood outside in the crisp, refreshing air, we were handed our subway passes, or as they say, “tube passes.” We followed our guide, Emma, on a short walk to the underground. When our group finally descended the stairs and made our way to the map, a map Virgil couldn’t even navigate, we began our journey that involved the same punishment as those afforded to people in the eighth level of hell. We walked endlessly, 10.6 miles, and viewed the most popular tourist attractions London had to offer. I was surrounded by beautiful statues, fantastic architecture, and attractive people whose dialect could captivate almost anyone. At first, like everyone else, I was completely and utterly captivated by it all, because it was a completely different world. Our group finished the day with a mile and a half walk to the Globe Theatre, where we saw Shakespeare’s play, Comedy of Errors. My fellow students and I stood, as our professors sat comfortably watching the play. During the production, all I could think about was my numb legs and my aching feet. I tried drowning the pain with a few glasses of overly priced and nasty wines, but my attempt was to no avail. For once in my life, I knew what it was like to experience actual physical agony, not just the tedious and never-ending emotional kind. It wasn’t the lake of fire or some frozen wasteland, but that shit was still excruciating. After the play, we struggled to find a new passageway to the hot and crowded underworld, the tube, but luckily, I had service on my phone, so we found it. We finally made it back to the hotel around eleven in the evening. After a long day of flying and an excess of walking, I had never been as excited as I was to climb into a bed that was, quite frankly, too small for my six-foot-five physique. To anyone reading this, don’t worry, I’m not planning on giving a day to day synopsis of what I saw while I was abroad, because the sights aren’t what truly matter. I mean, I could just rant about Buckingham Palace and its beauty, Windsor Castle and its enormous layout, the Tower of London and its history, the Natural History Museum and its priceless artifacts, Stratford upon Avon and Shakespeare’s life, Oxford and it’s impressive library, Cornwall and its tranquil beaches, the Minack Theatre and its sublimity, or the Ashmolean Museum and its Jeff Koons exhibition, but that shit has no genuine meaning to it. I’m not going to waste your time by writing about some tourist sites that you could see in almost any travel magazine about the U.K., so if that’s what you are looking for stop reading. I suggest you pick up a travel magazine and read it until you are content, but if you want to read something real, then I suggest you continue. The reality is, the things I’ll take from this trip are the inebriated conversations I had with others. I not only gave these people advice about their lives; I learned something new about my own. I, ***** *******, am the Barstool Prophet, who descended from the heavens prepared to spout wisdom and retardation. Before I divulge the serious and deep conversations I experienced abroad, I want to let you know that the other person and I were under the influence of alcohol. I know what you are thinking, but alcohol has been a part of human culture since 7,000 B.C.; to put that into perspective, man invented alcohol before the wheel. From what I've seen in my lifetime some people drink to forget, some drink to remember, some drink to punish themselves, and some drink to converse with others. I fall into the latter category, but while I was in the U.K., I encountered people whose purpose for drinking was similar to mine as well as people that would fall in the other categories. I never really got the saying, "It's better to be a glass half full person, than a glass half empty person." I get the whole positivity aspect of the saying; however, I'd trust a "glass half empty person" far more, because they'd just order another drink. I am in no way trying to promote alcoholism; in reality, I am just trying to explain how alcohol can fuel an in-depth conversation. The Latin proverb "In Vino Veritas" states that "In Wine there is Truth"; wiser words have never been spoken. Alcohol allows people to speak their hidden thoughts and desires, especially to a stranger like me. 

Emma

As I stated earlier, Emma was our tour guide, who sported a relatively short and somewhat masculine haircut. Luckily, I had consumed enough alcohol at the time of her arrival to ask her why she chose that specific style. After giving me a vague: “because I like it” response, she clutched her glass of wine and forced it down. We talked about her occupation and how lonely traveling could get, but she seemed like she was familiar with the feeling of loneliness. She asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, and I said, “I want to be a lawyer.” Emma slammed her glass down and began to laugh hysterically; she said, “Seriously?” I found her response quite peculiar until she revealed that her ex-husband was a lawyer. He was devoted to his job and always worked long hours, which did not bother her, at first. I surmise that his lack of interest in her is what led to their separation. After a long moment of silence, I gulped my drink down and gained the courage to ask: “do you think the relationship you had with him prepared you for this job?” She paused and began to think intently. She took a sip of her wine, laughed, and said, “I guess so, that’s one positive thing I got out of the relationship.” The chat continued with talk of food, politics, weather, and other small-talk topics, but then we somehow made it back to her haircut. Emma told me that she was bi-sexual, which, despite the tell-tell signs in her appearance, isn’t something she shares with most people. I told her that homophobia and racism is a major part of the culture that I grew up in, which surprised her. She couldn’t comprehend how someone with that upbringing could be so openminded. I responded with one word and one word only, “Self-Awareness.” I came to the realization that in life people are consciously and unconsciously molded by those around them, but at the end of the day, it is their choice to decide who they are and what they believe. Emma’s marriage may not have been picture perfect, but she was still able to take something positive from it. As much as we don’t want to admit it, even the worst of our relationships impact us in a positive way. 

Phillip Goldsmith

Before I get into this incredibly intense and somewhat depressing story, I’d like to describe its setting. I was sitting on a red velvet couch, drinking Jack Daniels Honey in a tall glass with one ice cube. I know what you are thinking, but I was not in a strip club. Our hotel’s game room/ bar area looked like an American strip club, not that I’ve ever been in one. Like seriously, if a few poles and dancers were added, I’d feel like I was at the Red Carpet, which is a strip club near where I live, but again, I may or may not have been there. I had finished half my bottle when Phil walked in, and I could immediately tell that he was hurting on the inside. Excluding dumbass frat guys, not very many people drink vodka straight out of the bottle with the intention of finishing it. He sat next to us, so I reached my hand out and said, “Hey man, what’s your name?” He said, “Hello, I am Phillip Goldsmith.” I responded as anyone would and said, “That’s a badass name!” We talked about life, love, and women as most guys do. We were both close to finishing our bottles when I noticed a tattoo on his arm that said, “Harry.” Who was this Harry? He certainly didn’t strike me as a Royalist, so I knew he didn’t just get the prince’s name on his arm for shits and giggles. I gulped down a few more sips of my drink and slowly placed it back down. I looked him in the eyes and said, “who is Harry?” His response shook every bone in my body to their core. After holding his tears back and ingesting some more of his vodka, Phil looked at me and said that “Harry was his son.” Was? He continued speaking, and I learned that Harry died three days after he was born. That tragic loss would result in a few other loses in his life, his wife, and his faith. Phil told me that he used to go to his grave on his birthday and Christmas, but he couldn’t do it anymore. He didn’t see a point in it any longer. Surprisingly I felt the urge to tell him that “God loved him and that he would see his son again.” I am in no way a prolific believer; I’d probably put myself in the wayward son category. However, something came over me, and I felt like I needed to tell him that. We had both finished our drinks, and as we were saying our goodbyes, he thanked me. I don’t know why, but he did. My encounter with Phil taught me that when you meet someone, you don’t know what they are going through, but through love and compassion, you can have a positive impact on them. 

Lexie

Lexie is a beautiful and intelligent young lady from Kansas City, Missouri. We met and chatted throughout the week because she was a part of our EF group. One night, after Lexie and I had more than our share of wine, we began to talk about our plans for the future. Before I tell this story, you must know, I have the unfortunate handicap of flirtation when I drink, but she was able to move past my impulsive outburst. I think my accidental comments about her beautiful eyes, stunning smile, and cute laugh allowed her to open up to me. Despite what you are thinking, I like to flirt because I enjoy making women smile, I don’t always do it for self-serving reasons. Anyways, as I said, we started discussing our plans for the future, but one can’t divulge their future in an inebriated state without discussing their past. I gave my whole spiel about wanting to be a prosecutor who would later become a congressman, then a Supreme Court or D.C. Circuit Court justice. She said, “Wow! That’s quite the plan. I want to go into Law as well.” I hastily responded by saying, “That’s sexy. I could see it.” We both laughed, but then she said, “I don’t know though, Law School is hard.” She didn’t strike me as a person who couldn’t handle a challenge, so I asked, “Why do you think you wouldn’t excel? You present yourself as someone who does.” She tried not to blush, then sipped her extremely sweet white wine. I know it was sweet because I made the unfortunate decision of trying it; it was so sweet that even a rock would get a hangover from it. Anyways, she started talking about high school and how people thought she was unintelligent. I laughed and thought about how I experienced that very same thing. I said, “Fuck that, screw them. God, high school girls are mean. Do you actually believe that crap?” She giggled and said, “Of course not, but it’s still in the back of my head.” I grabbed another beer from Raj, the bartender at the hotel. Yes, we were on a first name basis; did you expect anything less from the barstool profit? I sat back down and leaned in, intent on getting this point across to Lexie. I sipped my beer, ever so casually, and said, “Listen, we all remember the immature negatives of our high school existence, but this is now. At some point, we have to grow up into the people we want to be, not who everyone tells us to be.” She then asked, “Why are you so wise?” (You are probably thinking “sure she did,” but I swear that is what she said; I’m not a narcissist using creative license to praise myself.) I accredited it to my amazing parents as well as the shitty ex-girlfriends, situations, and friends I had experienced. We continued talking about a lot of random things like abortion, racism in America, and other pseudo-political topics. It was 3 am. when we finally decided it was time to go to bed. I hugged her and told her to use those negative voices as motivation. Again, I was thanked for the conversation, which, at this point, seems to be a normal thing for strangers to do. My conversation with Lexie made me realize that, when we travel, the baggage we carry isn’t only the physical kind. That tedious and deep emotional baggage also comes along for the journey. Most people, who travel somewhere, will lose a physical part of their baggage, like a sock, shirt, or something of that nature. Lexie did something most could not and do not, she left a piece of her emotional baggage, the night I spoke to her in the bar. 

Szymon

Szymon was in the bar area when I got to the hotel. He had a very interesting accent, which was far different from the ones I had heard that week, so I asked, “Where are you from?” He said, in a relatively drunken manner, “I am from Poland. You’re from America, aren’t you.” I responded with a firm: “Yes.” The conversation proceeded with small talk, but as I had a few more beers, the topics shifted to more serious topics. I was recently in a Holocaust history class, so of course, the first serious thing I asked was if he had been to Warsaw to see the Concentration Camps. He paused in silence, so I said, “Talk about hell on Earth, the holocaust was some fucked up shit.” After saying that he seemed to gain the courage to tell me that he was Jewish. He told me about the things his parents endured as children and how his grandfather had died in a concentration camp. He told me how he had rejected his faith after hearing these horrible stories. He said to me, “What could faith do for someone. The Jews have been persecuted countless times for it.” I understood where he was coming from, but at the same time, I didn’t. He had real reasons for his existential doubt, and I truly could not say the same. I got a shot of vodka from Raj; threw it back, and said, “Our faith shapes our decisions in life, even if we tell ourselves it doesn’t.” He sat pondering my words, but he seemed bored of the discussions about faith. I quickly changed the subject and asked him, “Why are you in London?” I learned that he travels all over continental Europe cleaning asbestos out of old buildings. I responded as any young person would and said, “that’s cool. I’d love to travel all over Europe.” He said, “it might be for a young single guy, but I hardly see my kids. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if my wife cheated on me.” I couldn’t believe he would say something that personal, but then again, that’s what alcohol does. I suggested that he quit the job and find one closer to home. He laughed and said, “Ugh… you sound like my wife right now.” I bought him another beer and said, “maybe you should listen to her.” He looked at me and said, “maybe you are right ha-ha.” My conversation with Szymon taught me that it doesn’t matter how much money you make or how many places you get to travel on the company’s dime. What matters in life is family and the ones you love. By the time we stopped talking, I could hardly understand him, but he shook my hand and said, “have fun in London.” I laughed and said, “I will, call your wife tonight and tell her you love her.” He smiled and nodded, assuring me he would. It was time to leave, so I packed my things and got ready to go to the airport. I finally boarded my fiery chariot that would bring me back to the heavens. I forced down a few shots of Jack Daniels, closed my eyes, and wondered if the Barstool Prophet would have a second coming. Would I ever return to this amazing city and spout words of wisdom and retardation? Would I ever drink two whole liters of cider and wake up with a black eye? Well, that one is a definite no, but so many questions are left unanswered. Did I actually impact those that I talked to? Did they even remember the conversation? As much as I want to believe I did, I’ll never know. We don’t know what this life holds or what our encounters with strangers will yield; all we can do is give it our best shot and live like we are dying… (Que inspiring music). 

Let me know if the foundation of this sardonic and surface level literature reference writing has potential… first ever post!

here i am at 9:33pm, journaling to occupy myself, knowing that you’re 27 now. last year’s halloween party pops in my mind, the mental instagram reel of us posing together in our costumes. i deleted the picture yet I still remember it, clear as day. my eyes were slightly crossed from alcohol and you were smiling, hard. you told me that i looked fine, just slightly drunk, but i always wondered if you just liked how you looked in it with your broad shoulders in your roommate’s ironic costume idea.
I remember all these things. do you? do you remember the night i attempted to tell you of my mistake, and you kissed me in the dark. the nights we laughed and talked, woke up together, planned our sundays together. it’s as if it was yesterday we were running to Aldi’s to help you with your grocery shopping. When we would make breakfast and binge Kitchen nightmares and Breaking Bad, rushing to get our work done so we could sneak a couple beers in before the night ended to fall asleep in each others arms. do you remember? or do i mean nothing to you now? a stranger, a crazy ex, a story you’ll tell to your next SO someday who’ll scoff and call me a bitch the same way I did with your ex. the night when I sang a childhood song and everyone joined in despite our driver’s anime music playlist. so so many stupid “instagram reels”.
how difficult the days have become pursuing my career when you’re all i can fucking think about. I’m sorry, I’m a girl; it sickens me to have possibly been a source of... entertainment. But I know it’s not like that. I know you care. how pathetic i am at how much time i allowed myself to waste because of how the world seemed to stop and everything felt okay when i looked into your big, beautiful eyes. eyes that looked so innocent and beautiful to me then. the puppy like expression when you’d lay in my lap as i played with your hair, the pleasure of watching the weight of the world leave your shoulders when i massaged them because knowing i could make your day just 0.01% made my world shine just a little bit brighter.
the nights we spent talking Winter Break, the drunk calls you’d unknowingly make because you claimed you missed me. I loved you so stupidly much. the laughing, giggling, the favors you’d do for me. the spot in your bathroom that you somehow let me occupy for whatever reason. the time i got my period and nearly flushed in tears from sharing a traumatic experience, being fascinated by your love for our culture in a way id never seen, your love for houses, cars, real estate. the times you’d show me your emails and let me proofread them with my Nazi grammar. all of it. i fucking miss all of it. every moment. every day. every second. it’s you i can’t get out of my fucking mind. it’s your stupid laugh, that grin, that smile that drove me nuts, i wish i could burn the memories like pieces of paper in the fireplaces. small pieces of paper like the ones i’d use to write you love letters and reminders and hide them under your pillow; god I’m so sorry I smothered you. Know that I am so, so, sorry for everything. the idiotic allergies you’d get for no reason like a nerd, calling me a nerd, the nerdy acne you’d get right around your nose, that fucking one adorable dimple that’d creep out when you’re about to laugh or you’re making a stupid joke. my mind is a fucking hellfire of these stupid memories that i can’t extract. i want my heart to stop breaking every time i see someone at my job doing their fucking rotations. i want my soul back. i want my life back. i want my fucking emotions back. i used to be so happy and bubbly, your friends bullying me for being so naive and i never would’ve imagined you’d be the one to pop my bubble and make me feel so scarred. watching the beautiful moments turn into a living hell and just feeling like a skeleton of the girl i used to be because of the amount of pain you inflicted on me.
I love you.

I've had a fear of needles my whole life. Not as severe as others, for sure. But I've had my fair share of anxiety attacks/sobbing about needle related things. Not "hold me down" level, but more like crying and shaking like a child.
First big step: HRT. I'm a trans man and I started testosterone last summer. I chose injections (subcutaneous, stomach) as they are the most economical, only every two weeks, and I had a friend who can do them for me. So I would build myself up and close my eyes, squeeze hands, etc. for awhile before they became no big deal. About half a year in, I worked up to looking down at it for sec, the watching the syringe injections, then the needle exit, then the needle entry, and then the whole process. The pain is never bad, It's just the thought of having a piece of metal lodged in me I think. Sometimes I get the stabbies for a minute afterwards but thats just annoying.
My friend trained my boyfriend to do them for me. His first time supervised was perfect, but when we did it together the next time, the preparation was rocky and he entered, accidentally exited and said "oops", I looked down and I saw a prick of blood, and then saw him reenter. This was probably my worst injection experience and we both agreed that he wouldn't do them again lol. Some time after that I went on birth control and decided to do the injection method for similar reasons- just one shot like every 3 months and I don't have to remember to take a pill everyday or have the thought of a foreign metal object inside me. What's funny is that those arm intramuscular shots are now no big deal. My nurse doesn't give any warning, countdown, etc which was actually SO helpful because then my body doesn't have time to be anxious, nauseous, shaky, and lightheaded.
The only issue left is blood withdrawal. If you're familiar with HRT, you know about regular blood testing. My first two times I almost passed out afterwards. Intensely nauseous and faint. Now, I can immediately walk out the clinic and be fine. Unfortunately after my last lab result, turns out I have too much blood and now have to donate it every 3 months. I PANICKED. I was terrified and I started crying. Not only do I have to deal with a needle, I have to deal with the thought of blood leaving my body. When it came time, it was at the appointment I learned of the finger prick. It was like blood lab #1 all over again. My iron is SUPER high and I nearly passed out and they questioned if I was okay to donate. But I had to. It took an hour for me to calm down and work myself up. I'm so glad the red cross nurses were patient with me. Turns out blood donation was no problem! Having to constantly squeeze my hand was a little freaky, but I genuinely couldn't feel anything. And afterwards I didn't feel faint at all!
So you would think I've defeated the needle fear with every aspect of my medical life being needle based... until it came time for me to inject myself. I told myself I would not go get my T injection unless I could do it myself.... well thats how I was almost a week late on this dose. So I went over to my friend and mostly helped prepare the syringe. But after about 15 minutes I couldn't do it so they injected me while we recorded it for me to desensitize myself. Come this week, it was again injection time and for real- it was going to just be me to do it. I did put it off for a whole two days (so my next labs might look strange) but today I took out my supplies, prepared it good enough (definitely was 0.1mL short on my dose).... and sat there for an hour. I would hold the needle capped near me, practice holding the syringe. I would get brave enough to uncap the needle and hold it just millimeters away from my skin... and then after about 5 seconds of looking at the scene, my heart would start racing, my head get a little light, and my hand get shaky. I probably uncapped and capped the needle 7 times. Eventually, I really had to poop, so it had to be done. I didn't feel a thing. It definitely took longer than usual because for the first 5 seconds the needle was in, I was trying to find the correct amount of force to push the syringe- harder than expected. My exit was smooth and I was SO relieved. That along with blood donations were probably the biggest hurdles in my needle journey and now that the bandaid is ripped off, I'm sure the next times will be easier. I'm so relieved to get injections on my own schedule so my T levels don't drop too low.
Thanks for sticking with the long read if you did. And if you are also a trans person who is scared of needles, you're not alone and I hope you find a method that works for you, or that you can get over the fear! Looking away and distracting yourself for an injection is one thing, but looking at it, let aline doing it yourself is scary. However, I think the autonomy in doing it yourself is a benefit. You can work at your own pace and it also just feels badass!

Dear A,
I honestly cannot explain where this came from, why it's there, or how it happened. I will be thankful because it's like there's no struggle energy between us. The energy signature is one of anticipation, growth, new life, strength, and the realistic expectation of success.
Now while I can't explain why I have this peace about you, I can quantify how it's paying off dividends to me right now.
You may have, beginning in 2021 when we separated, had relationships with other women. There might be an ex or two that you're getting over. That's okay! The lessons you've learned from being with them, and you applying the wisdom from those lessons, will eventually prepare you to be at your best when you're with me.
I'm learning to distinguish and hear your voice. I mean, I already know what it sounds like because I've heard it before. But the universe has me so in tune with you that I'm becoming better at being able to distinguish the way you speak and present yourself from the others I read. When the time comes for us to truly reconnect, you're not going to be a mysterious wall of text. I will hear your voice and you will be physically involved in my life.
I will know that it was/is our decision to take the necessary steps toward a future together. It will not be like the past, where it was the circumstances in our lives that brought us together and our brief bond was built on mutual pain we were experiencing at the time. Moving forward, what we decide between each other and for each other will be made from a place of health, abundance, agreement, forethought, and stability.
We no longer need to define things and figure out the past. I already know how you feel about me, and I trust the universe has told you how I feel about you. I already know your intentions and you're endgame, so you're not treating this casually or flippantly "seeing where it goes". I trust that you've had the time to figure how you could fit in my life and what you'd be able to provide if you were in mine. I'm thinking the exact same thing, so we're in agreement.
The confirmation of the expected manifestation is simply discussing the logistics of slowly integrating each other in our lives. This is when the real work of building a relationship actually happens, where you and I can daily work together to invest the required time, effort, compromise, emotional intelligence, interdependence, availability and focus to take that next step. All these past few years were just preparation for us to get there and we should be able to see further payoffs if we both have used our time apart productively.
~ K

There's a lot happen on this episode and the studio really cooked 🔥 with this insane story line and ending. I know from the start that this anime is about the journey of people reaching their own dreams and this episode really visualize an obstacle that always come whether you want it or not. There's a lot of perspective to have and it's easy to just give the opinion for "what to do". I will share my characters and helicopter perspective :
Background : you cant forget that both kano and mahiru is around 17-18 years old. Kano has a bad past and mahiru has a self-confidence issue. They are not mature enough and still learn by experience.
Mahiru : to work in big stage is really a one in a lifetime opportunity, especially when you are a rising artist and still young. The idea of expanding your art so a lof of people watch that is simply an artist's dream, especially when it never happen before.
Kano : sense of betrayal. A promise to always work together to achieve same dream is broken, especially when mahiru work with your own mom. When you finally has a real/good friend, but she will spend less time with you because of her huge project.
Neutral : An obstacle always happen in the growth progress. They are all young and especially lack of profesionalism. What mahiru did is just simply changing to another job that inspire you more to become a well-known artist. There's nothing wrong for that. What's wrong is they dont discuss it properly as a team when receiving that information. I believe that if Kano really shows how bad her mom is and what really happen in the past, supported by Mei opinion, Mahiru will think again and might reject the offer. They are a team full of people that excel in their own field. I believe they can do something about the end of year project so it still can be done.
I really love this show for potraying real life problem in such amazing scene. They really nailed it ! The past of MC also is started to be revealed again. The ending really painful to watch as it shows their progress as a best friend achieving a same dream. Also it's really sad to know Kano's dream to be like her mom, but her mom just make Kano as "a tool" to help her achieving her dream.
This also kinda remind me of Oshi No Ko episode 6 about suicide scandal. It shows the bad side of entertainment industry and people there using whatever it is to get what they want.
Lesson to learn : - Dont attach yourself to another person/people completely - You cant bring your day 1 friend with you forever. Both always need to go further everyday. But dont forget about he/she. - Dont let emotions control you. What Kano's mom did is manipulative, especially flattery technique, which very effective for young people that have big dreams. In addition, dont be like Kano saying unneccessary things that would hurt your friends in wrong situation. - Moral is important in high level of business. Punch your friend like Kano punch Mero. Also dont mix family with business. Both is different and need to put effort.

I’m sorry this is so long. I’d love to hear what you think.
We’ve been together for 3 years. Moved in together after 7 months during the pandemic. I’m the first girlfriend he’s lived with.
Shift in behaviour — I find he has changed a lot since we’ve become more close but I’ve stayed consistent. When we first met, he was a lot more positive and interested in me. He rarely asks me questions now and challenges many things I say. He is a lot more negative and judgemental of both me, my family and people we encounter. I didn’t think it was a terrible thing, more that he’s gotten comfortable with me. But I do feel a shift has taken place in the past 2 years. And sometimes the lack of positivity toward me feels disrespectful too. Lots of immature jokes, scoffing at things I say, speaking down to me or in a passive aggressive or condescending tone about the smallest things or even about things that clearly matter to me but not to him.
Emotions difficult — He has been transparent that he “struggles with empathy” since the early days. I remember noting that as a red flag but I thought maybe he was being flippant. He was not. I have tried many times to bring up our lack of emotional depth and he’s rarely responded well. It usually turns quickly into a defensive debate. Lots of “I treat you great.” “Sorry you think I’m such a bad boyfriend” types of statements that then take us away from the point. I am left apologizing for bringing it up. We never check in emotionally. He cannot name his own emotions aside from good or bad. He does not ask questions about my emotions. I am a very emotive person. I cry and I feel really deep (sometimes painful) empathy. I find he just stares or watches me when I’m upset or crying. He never asks questions, he rarely knows how to comfort me. His best way to support is to tell me it will pass. Which is helpful but not to the extent I was hoping.
Trauma doesn’t exist — Lastly, I have dealt with stuff in life that I know has had an impact on me. I am trying to figure it out and unpack it through reading, online research, and therapy. He has told me that he doesn’t believe childhood or young adult difficult experiences should have that much of an effect on you. I have told him about the situations and he barely asked about them, he barely showed interest, he’s never checked in on them or acknowledged situations that would clearly be triggering since. In fact, he’s even made a joke here or there that has been in relation to them. He had a pretty unstable childhood with a lot of parental neglect so it’s hard for me to see aspects of his life that could be improved by addressing them. And it’s invalidating to see his eyes glaze over when I reference mine.
I’m no peach — I have my issues. Like I said, I’m a very emotional person. I also struggle with anxiety at times. I’m currently going through a very depressive episode and have even shared with him that I have felt suicidal lately. He hasn’t tried to talk about it with me at all. He hasn’t tried to help. He offers bandaid unhealthy solutions like watching TV or eating out. It feels like he thinks it’s not real and is an inconvenience.
About a year ago we were watching Jerry Macguire and there’s this scene where he tells the woman that he thinks he’s only with her because of how much he likes her son. I remember my partner turning to me and saying he felt the same way regarding me but he’s staying because of how much he loves my dog. Since then, he’s apologized for the joke but man.. he sure does give our dog a lot of tenderness, compassion, and attention.

I like the idea of Soundiiz format playlists, for both long term storage and the way they aren't tied to any specific platform. It should make moving them between services convenient too. Apple Music and Napster don't let non-paying users see their playlists, so if you ever start using either of those, you need to export to them another service first. I think it's better to just use Soundiiz format instead instead of shuffling them around.
That being said, I'm finding Soundiiz playlists to be a real pain and I just want to jump ship. Song detection is lacking, outright wrong. or produces an error 404 even if you have a direct song URL, you can't re-order anything manually, and there is no album art available to make searches easier. You can't even view more than ONE line of a playlist description unless you're in editing mode! What is the point of a description then!?
Are there any other platforms that also have an internal playlist format? TuneMyMusic does not count, it only imports and exports, no holding anything. I've been looking and I can't find anything. At this point I might as well just start making manual text files even though that's not a real solution.

Supernatural evil is overwhelmingly present in the small town of Twin Peaks, Washington.
This evil stems from the ancient entity Judy, also known as Jowday, or Joudy in Sumerian mythology. Judy is an extreme negative entity, perhaps the embodiment of evil itself, and transcends both time and space. She is associated with the Black Lodge, a supernatural dwelling place for evil spirits. Various Black Lodge entities include Killer BOB, MIKE and the arm (who both eventually became good), the Jumping Man, Mrs. Tremond and Pierre, and the woodsmen. They all feed on garmonbozia — human "pain and suffering" — and travel via electricity.
There are also good spirits who wish to counter Judy's evil, who reside in the similarly-named White Lodge. The foremost of these spirits is the Fireman, a god-like entity with similar powers to Judy. While powerful, the Fireman is implied to not be as powerful as Judy. Other White Lodge entities include Señorita Dido, Naido, and the angels.
Various cultures throughout history had been aware of Judy's existence, including the ancient Sumerians and the Nez Perce Native American tribe. The Nez Perce people were the first to name the Black and White Lodges, and over time gained access to the Black Lodge via Glastonbury Grove in the forest surrounding Twin Peaks. There they discovered the existence of evil human doppelgängers residing in the Lodge.
The Nez Perce's access to the Black Lodge led to an increasingly dark presence in the surrounding area, and many locals (including the Bookhouse Boys society and the Log Lady) became devoted to fighting this evil.
1945, New Mexico: The U.S.' detonation of the first atomic bomb, the ultimate man-made evil, results in a catestrophic release of evil into the world. The bomb inadvertently creates Judy herself, who promptly extends her presence throughout time and space. An array of other Black Lodge entities are created by the nuclear blast, like the woodsmen, and Judy (in her physical form called "the Experiment") vomits out Killer BOB and the frogmoths as minions of hers to do her bidding.
The Fireman sees the atrocities unleashed by the atomic bomb and devises a plan to stop Judy's evil from spreading. He creates a golden orb with Laura Palmer's face on it, and Señorita Dido sends it to Earth to counter Judy, BOB, and the other agents of the Black Lodge. Laura is "the one" and possesses the ability to defeat Judy once and for all.
However, Judy was one step ahead. She sends a frogmoth to inhabit Sarah Palmer so that she can use her as a human host. Killer BOB is used to possess Leland Palmer. While Judy lay dormant in Sarah due to her close proximity with "the one", BOB molested Laura via Leland, feeding off of her garmonbozia, and ultimately killed her.
Agent Dale Cooper, who solved Laura's murder and inadvertently stumbled upon this supernatural realm, gets trapped in the Black Lodge while BOB and Cooper's doppelgänger roam freely on Earth. With "the one" dead, evil is allowed to grow unchecked.
Cooper's doppelgänger, possessed by BOB, is in search of Judy, either to try to take her place as the ultimate evil or to work together with her. He devises many plans to find Judy, including a glass box designed to trap her.
The Fireman realizes that there's another way he can stop Judy before the doppelgänger finds her, even though Laura is dead. He sends the real Cooper on a mission to kill "two birds with one stone": save Laura Palmer, and defeat Judy. To do this, Cooper travels back in time to save Laura from being killed by BOB. However, Judy is one step ahead, yet again: she rips Laura out of the timeline, creating an alternate reality in which Laura went missing. This accounts for all the bizarre "glitches" and inconsistencies we see throughout the season, the "official" and "unofficial" timelines.
In one final attempt to destroy Judy, Cooper and Diane Evans cross from the "unofficial" timeline into a completely different reality, per the Fireman's instructions ("remember Richard and Linda"). There they become slightly altered versions of themselves, with Cooper being Richard and Diane being Linda. Diane forgets her mission and leaves Cooper. Cooper finds Laura's alternate self, Carrie Page, working at a restaurant called Judy's.
They go to the Palmer residence, where Sarah should be. However, Sarah simply isn't there. The owner of the house (the real owner IRL) mentions the names Tremond and Chalfont, which are two surnames used by Black Lodge entities, but hasn't heard of any Palmers living there. Confused, Coop and Laura leave.
We hear Sarah's voice crying out Laura's name from the "official" version where she was murdered. Laura looks at the house and screams in horror as she fully remembers all the pain and suffering Judy inflicted upon her.
The lights go out in the Palmer house.
Judy won.
Any disagreements or questions regarding my explanation of the general storyline? There are so many elements to just the basic plot that I'm still so iffy on.

I think I need an exorcist!
For awhile now I've been having nightmare they come and go and just have been comin or frequent and scarey and real and since I've gotten my amputation I can feel something heavy weighing on my leg but I have sleep Paralysis, and I can feel something messing with me like ticking me or shoving my arm I feel something crawl onto the chair with me or make me have nightmare where something is biting me or harming me and in real life it hurts me not to the point where it Embarrable but definitely painful I still have a small wound left where my incision was done and I can feel it stinging when I piss it off or something please someone help me i am so sacred to sleep I don't k own what to do and this real it's really happening to me I'm not crazy I need help

I think I need an exorcist!
For awhile now I've been having nightmare they come and go and just have been comin or frequent and scarey and real and since I've gotten my amputation I can feel something heavy weighing on my leg but I have sleep Paralysis, and I can feel something messing with me like ticking me or shoving my arm I feel something crawl onto the chair with me or make me have nightmare where something is biting me or harming me and in real life it hurts me not to the point where it Embarrable but definitely painful I still have a small wound left where my incision was done and I can feel it stinging when I piss it off or something please someone help me i am so sacred to sleep I don't k own what to do and this real it's really happening to me I'm not crazy I need help