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First of all, thanks to everyone who takes their time to read all of this, it means the world to me!
I (m30) met my GF (f30) a year ago on an online dating platform and we are now in a happy relationship since 10 months. She is all I could have ever dreamed of and is the love of my life. I am planning my proposal right now but there is something I just have to get rid of, my RJ. I had massive mental health issues in the past (severe depression) and suffered low self-worth.
My first 2 relationships shared the same „problem“. I had my first girlfriend at the age of 20. At the beginning of our relationship we talked about our sexual pasts. I was a virgin back then and she told me a number of people she slept with. Over the next months, due to conversations on parties, it became clear that the number she told me was a lie and the real number was much higher. I even found out, that she slept with a friend of mine, 3 weeks before we started dating. I started to develop trust issues and did something I am not proud about, looking through her phone. I found out the feeling that she is lying to me was right all along, she had slept with many more guys than she told me about and was even cheating on me, which is why we broke up.
My second girlfriend was the second woman I had slept with. Same problem as before (apart from the cheating stuff). We talked about our past experiences and, as time went by, it became clear that she also lied about her past experiences and has had many more guys, than she told me. Apart from that she was very abusive, attacked me both verbally and physically and drove me into mentioned depression over a course of 7 years. I broke up with her 2 years ago.
At this point it is important to state that both of my exes started the conversations about past experiences. It is nothing I check out when I start to date someone.
I now was 29, had encountered RJ in 2 relationships and thought it was due to my lack of sexual experiences myself. To prevent it from happening again I started dating and gained experience myself, until I met the love of my life 12 months ago.
Our relationship is perfect, aside from my RJ. When we started dating we showed us pictures of each others and I noticed a picture of her with a musician. I asked her, if they had hooked up and she told me no. She also told me that she never had a ons or any „casual“ sex experiences and doesn‘t like such stuff.
2 months into the relationship I stumbled upon her reddit profile (I didn‘t take her phone at this point). I was curious and read the things she had posted and comments she wrote, since it is all online and public. Then I saw the comment, which led to the situation I am in today. She had commented a post that she did have sex with the said musician. The moment I‘ve read this my heart sunk into my stomach and I was instantly reminded of my 2 previous relationships. So I did a mistake again. I took her phone while she was sleeping and looked for pictures, read chats etc. I found out that she also was lying about past experiences. She did had ons and casual sex and also lied about another guy she had told me she had dated, but didn‘t have sex with. In fact, they did have sex, several times. I confronted her about the musician and told her I looked through her phone. She was shocked and disappointed that I checked her phone (and I totally understand that, it isn‘t the right thing to do) but my gut feeling told me something was off and my feeling was right. She admitted that she had sex with the musician, but also didn‘t tell me the whole truth. She lied about the way that ons started out, but I didn‘t tell her that I know the truth. It shook my trust in her. Not my general trust, but the trust about everything she told me about her past. To this day she doesn‘t know that I‘ve read a lot more than just the chat with the musician, because back then I told her that I only read this chat (it was wrong for me to lie to her and I was no better than her, I know!).
Now to the real problem. This triggered something big in me, like a trauma or something. It has been 8 months since I‘ve searched her phone and not a single day has passed at which I haven‘t thought about this musician. I think about it a few times a day and sometimes I even imagine how they had sex when I am having sex with her. It is driving me crazy and I am slowly going insane because of it. Sometimes we randomly talk about things from our past and I catch her lying to me since I know better because I searched her phone. I don‘t tell her that I know better in these situations. I know she ist just lying because of 2 reasons:

1. she does not want to destroy my picture of her and fears that I might view her differently.
   
2. she wants to safe me from getting jealous/sad
   

What is in the past ist in the past, she didn’t know me back then so she did nothinh wrong back then. She could tell me the craziest sex stories and I would just love her the way she is, the most beautiful soul I‘ve ever met. But knowing that she is lying all the time about these things is slowly killing me from the inside. I can‘t get these things out of my head and I‘ve already told her about my past and how important the truth is for me because of that. She still decided to lie to me when I confronted her about the ons with the musician. I can‘t get over it because I know I‘m still getting lied to concerning this particular topic and my brain tries to figure out what the truth is all the time. I made the experiences that if my gf talks openly about a past story the puzzle in my head gets completed and I can stop thinking about it. I already started to search for a therapist (I will DEFINITELY start therapy again) but I feel like I need to confront her one more time to find peace and get her to lay down the lies and start being honest about her past.
She had an abusive ex, too. It is a very sensitive topic for her to search the phone because her ex did it all the time. He controlled who she is allowed to speak to and locked her up in the flat to make sure she can‘t have any interactions with another male. This is why I am afraid to confront her because I don‘t want to trigger her but we both fucked up (me looking through her phone / she constant lies about her past).
What should I do? Should I confront her? I tried to eat it up but 8 months have passed and it didn‘t get better, I feel like I need closure.

(First one had a decent reception so uh... heres part two. Im gonna do these as often as I can as long as people still like em. If they fall off then oh well. Im still happy so many people like it.)
I contemplated, for what seemed to be an eternity, whether or not to kill it. Just... another bug I told myself. My hand was shaking... why was I shaking? Why couldnt I do it? Why? Just lift your gun, and fire. Do it you coward. Do it. My fingers desperately clutched the pistol grip. I could feel a bead of sweat drip down my wrist inside my glove.
3 must've picked up on my sudden anxiety. They handed me their teddy bear. "Its okay mister. Mr Ears will keep us safe. He usually protects me but you can borrow him if you want."
I stared at the bear. It was a ragged thing. A typical brown teddy bear that had been torn and resown multiple times. It had bloodstains on its belly and the color had faded from what I can only assume was years spent as a sponge for tears. Its ears were strangely enough a bright yellow color. The same yellow every helldiver knows all too well. Despite its condition you could tell this bear was well loved. And here this child was offering it to me.
I holstered my senator and grabbed the teddy. It felt oddly void of stuffing. Most likely from the constant resowing that was done. I held it back out to 3. "Ill let you hold on to him for now kid. But keep him close okay? Were gonna have a tough time gettin out of here so he'll need to help out alright?"
3 nodded. Damn. Hell of a name for a kid. Gotta think of something else. For now though, I had to find another way to get the beacon working. It had power, but no way to activate it. I wondered if I could reroute one of the broadcasting stations to send out a signal. Hell, we blow em up enough cant be too hard to get it working. I pulled up the local scan on the planets surface. There were a few points of interest I logged before I lost contact with the Mother of Iron.
First, was obviously extract. Needed to keep that saved. Second was a number of different bug holes we managed to clear out before extract. Ill keep those in just to be safe. Third, here it was. An illegal broadcasting station. It was a longshot for a number of reasons. One, I had to find a way to carry the beacons transmitter 4 miles north on a bug infested planet. Thats the easy part. Second... well. Ive got to get 3 there alive with me. I didnt know what had stopped me from killing them at the moment but now I think that it was the thought that maybe our on ship doctors could cure her. Yeah. Thats it! If.. IF I could get us off this rock then we would both be able to get the best care there is. That.. yeah. That could work. Third though. Third was the hardest part. It was rare for a superdestroyer to turn around and send extract for a single Helldiver that had, in their eyes, failed to make it on board the first one. I had to convince them it was worth the time, and money, needed to be spent. Damn. I guess I had time to think of a pitch. For now. Beacon. Broadcasting tower. Simple.

TL;DR: I feel stuck and unsure how to proceed with a breakup after my terminally ill parent's situation gave me an intense desire to go out and 'live'.
After my parent's diagnosis, I have been rather emotionally numb. Recently however, I have suddenly been hit with the realisation of my mortality that life is short. I have been crying, having anxiety attacks. I feel old, I want to be like I was back in university, following my dreams. In order to follow my dreams this will take a substantial chunk out of time I have with my partner.
Myself and my partner do not live together still. We refuse to rent, we wish to buy, but he hasn't saved for it, and honestly neither have I. Maybe because I don't want to move in or am scared too.
The problem is he is extremely lovely. A great person, kind, gentle, understanding. If I am honest, a very good man because he was raised around mainly women. He says all the right things and works hard to repair any issues or conflicts we may have. He is very smart and thoughtful.
I don't want to regret losing this, especially a big supportive family that he has, but I don't know if I can be stuck, looking at the same 4 walls of his room every other weekend. We both have our own jobs, see each other once a week, don't text much at all outside of that. I worry that I love him a lot, but might not be in love with him because of this. We had a major break through last year where we almost broke up, but didn't.
He has changed his mind about having kids... or at least said it would be nice to. He sees his sister with her new baby and feels the pressure from his family and this frankly medieval (?) notion to continue his bloodline. But that is his option and I respect that. I see his sister and I feel the opposite - makes me want them less, especially since his sister is in this terrible marriage (not just my opinion, the whole family thinks so too). I see them and I want to run, fast. I don't want that. I don't want a commitment like that.
Having a partner is fine, there is an out, having a kid... has complications and you can never leave. It's permanent. Permanency freaks me out.
If I do part ways, once my partner dies I will essentially only have friends left. I don't have a close bond with external family and an only child.
I feel I am stuck in a time loop of when I was 21 with him but I am aging rapidly and not following my dreams. There are times I want to do certain things, but my partner is protective of me and doesn't wish for me to go alone. But I can't wait around for him to have the time either, especially since we have differing interests.
I've never been clubbing, never lived alone, never travelled outside the country alone... I have been holding back from doing things because I have always been tethered to someone. I've never had a 'single era' and I'm terrified of it.
Has anyone experienced this and can you tell me how you went about approaching this?

Northern Ireland Secretary Chris Heaton-Harris has said he will not be standing at the next general election.
The Tory MP said on X, formerly Twitter, it had been an "honour and a privilege to serve" and passed on his thanks to his constituents in Daventry.
Mr Heaton-Harris has been the Northern Ireland secretary since September 2022, describing it as the "best job in the Cabinet".
He announced his intention in a letter to Prime Minister Rishi Sunak.
Mr Heaton-Harris was first elected as an MP in 2010. He was appointed Tory chief whip in 2022 by Boris Johnson.
Later that year, Liz Truss appointed him as secretary of state for Northern Ireland, a role he retained when Mr Sunak became prime minister.
At the time, the Stormont power-sharing institutions had collapsed due to a Democratic Unionist Party (DUP) protest against post-Brexit trading arrangements.
Much of his time in Northern Ireland was spent negotiating with parties in efforts to restore the assembly and executive.
In his letter to Mr Sunak, published on X on Saturday night, Mr Heaton-Harris said: "Working with you I helped negotiate and deliver the Windsor Framework, which both solved many of the major practical issues created by the Northern Ireland Protocol, put in place as we left the EU, and helped reset our countries' relationship with our European neighbours.
"Then, after long and detailed negotiations within Northern Ireland, we produced the command paper Safeguarding the Union , externalwhich resulted in the return of Stormont and devolved government to serve the people of Northern Ireland."
Mr Heaton-Harris added: "I strongly believe the conditions now exist for Northern Ireland to thrive".
Mr Heaton-Harris, who has been an MP for 14 years, said Northern Ireland had "privileged access for manufactured goods into the EU single market, whilst being an integral part of our UK internal market"
"It finds itself in a remarkable favourable position," he added.
He added that he wanted to remain as Northern Ireland secretary until the next election as "there are still a number of pieces of unfinished business I wish to complete and I love the people, place and job".
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-69032420

I have an elder cousin sister (S) - 28 and a younger cousin sister (A) - 18. I'm 24F. We all don't have any siblings and have relied on each other for emotional support. All of our fathers are either abusive, alcoholic or absent and that's what bonded us all together.
Now, A is smart & intelligent and I know she's gonna make it big in this world. She's so young but so articulate and talented. S is....naive and a little stupid. Sometimes it's hard to believe she's the eldest of us. She's constantly complaining about her friends and colleagues. Rightfully so because from the stories she has told us, they sound absolutely horrible.They owe her money as well but this woman doesn't want to ask for her own money back because it's awkward and she doesn't want to ruin her friendships with them. She also has a lot of male friends who constantly make sexist jokes and she lets it slide. She dumps all of this on us on the groupchat every other day and starts crying about how they make her feel. She's a woman in STEM and evidently more successful than the rest of them but these friends of hers always try to make her feel small.
We have been begging her to cut contact with them and start anew for the past few months. We have tried talking to her calmly, gave her tough love, suggested therapy and starting new hobbies and everything under the sun. Whenever we call out her friends, she defends them like nobody's business which feels like such a betrayal. The way she accomodates their bullshit and their requests and excuses is so infuriating. We have tried telling her she deserves friends who are kind and respectful to her. Nothing we say sticks to her brain.
We were delighted when she had to move to a new city for a job! We thought she'll finally be away from these people but due to her fear of loneliness, she keeps visiting them every weekend to hang out. She has no personality outside her work and refuses to do anything for herself. She goes to work, comes home and doomscrolls and the cycle repeats everyday until the weekend arrives. I wish she focused on her finances more and taking her career to the next level.
We've been so encouraging for so long that we have started despising her. Her lack of self worth and her inability to stand on business is killing our bond. I know she was sheltered and had helicopter parents but we feel that it's time to grow up. Thankfully, she's single!
I don't want to be around her anymore, it's exhausting. I'm tired everytime I talk to her. My younger cousin feels the same way.
We both were just wondering - should we cut her off or should we keep trying to get her to see her worth?
Any advice or suggestions?

30M and 28F dating one another for two years. So yea with this post I hope to gain some insight outside of our own. We both love one another and are in love and both want to make things work. But at the same time things are rough in the relationship and co parenting is also on the table. For story context I cheated on her maybe a year in with an ex of mine. It was random and a mistake but obviously this broke the trust. Along with me doing some small things in the relationship like liking pics on social media of other women or even commenting on a post or whatever. All things I’ve cleaned up and have been working on since getting back together after I cheated. She wanted access to everything and has it on a daily basis. Goes through my phone whenever she wants and that to me are one of the things that’s making our relationship suffer. Because it’s one thing to check a phone but to go looking for things to get upset about…I find that concerning. There has to be location on at all times or she feels we may as well break up. It’s may 19 I cheated last year in October. There has been physical as well. Mainly from her whenever she would hear or talk about my ex she’d hit me. That went on for a while. And yes I would react and hold her or grab her up so she couldn’t. Any given moment she’ll bring up something I’ve done in the past and will get her upset. We have a place together with both our names but whenever we get into it she kicks me out and I have nowhere to go since my family lives out of town. I have tried therapy and doing things to not upset her or bring up betrayal but to no end. Every day or every other day it’s an argument caused by her in some way shape or form. I know she needs time to heal and more than likely can’t get past all of the feelings that comes along with me breaking her trust. Idk what we should do. Also we just had a baby together. Advice guys?

honestly I'm pretty tired of the conversation on like transexual lesbians (not on this sub but the other lesbian subreddit)sometimes, like the problem isn't even about genital preferences , the problem is objectification and making the preference public! Personally I feel uncomfortable when people fixate on that part whether be it negatively and positively, it's basically how the conversation around fat ladies go. Dipshit A: "fat women is ugly no one wants to fuck them" Dipshit B "actually fat women are so FUCKABLE I LOVE FUCKING THEM" this refuses to address the problem which is extreme objectification from both sides😭😭 honestly so tired around genital preferences, It's fine not to want penatrative sex, or enjoy it, just don't be a dick or a weirdo about it😭

Does anybody else with autism feel suicidal when relationships end? I’m trying to work out whether my borderline personality disorder diagnosis was a misdiagnosis (I was diagnosed with bpd at 21 and autism at 23. I’m now 25) I didn’t have any particular traumatic event growing up so it would appear that it was a misdiagnosis, however I still feel like I relate to a lot of the symptoms of bpd, but im unsure whether those are just autistic traits or bpd? The more I read about how autism presents in women, the more I feel like they are such similar diagnoses I really can’t distinguish the difference between them. I attempted suicide when I was 20 twice, mainly because I was in love with a man who didn’t love me back. But also because I was terrified of leaving university as I had no idea what I was doing with my life and I was very burnt out. My therapist seems to think my bpd diagnosis was a misdiagnosis but I feel very conflicted and confused? I experience such intense emotional dysregulation, switching between loving someone and hating them, explosive anger, self harm, suicidal ideation. But I can’t tell if that’s autism or the bpd! Anyone got any ideas?

I am writing this very tiredly so pardon my spelling mistakes. I am an American who lives for foreign tv and this show might be my favorite. Not a single scene I hated or would change, not a single scene I thought was over done or even cringy. I loved it so much and it has opened my mind up to so much excitement over this show. I feel out to my friend about it at least once a day and I can’t get through other shows without comparing it lol.
However I saw someone on here say they hope America doesn’t make a remake and ruin the show. Which I totally get and do this a lot of American tv is trash, but I feel like another show like this wouldn’t kill anyone. In no way shape or form think Americans (as an American) should do a whole American version just a similar vibe. Like American tv could learn a lot on how to build a story based off of foreign tv and I hope they do start.
ALSO IF ANYONE KNOWS ANY SHOWS SIMILAR TO THIS ONE PLEASE DO SHARE ILL GIVE FOREHEAD SMOOCHES FOR ANYONE THAT SHARES!!!!

My dads an ex alcoholic who’s had the roughest life I’ve ever heard. Every single kind of abuse, physical, mental, sexual, emotional, verbal, substance abuses, the whole deal. He’s diagnosed with depression, BPD, and probably some other stuff too. Also an army vet and thrice divorced, low income single dad. Kind of like Jude from a little life I mean just bad luck on top of bad luck. Well he was drinking a lot today since his girlfriend was over and we were all talking. Eventually the conversation developed into me asking why fraternities are so secretive (he’s a freemason) I was trying to have a deeper conversation about why secrecy is equated to sacredness and how if you have knowledge that benefits people, what are the downsides to sharing it with them, well I came off as very combative and argumentative to him since he saw it as me wanting just an answer rather than a discussion so he got mad. He blew up and threw stuff (not at me), punched a hole in the wall, and yelled about how I was dishonoring him and no one appreciates him. Eventually I just ran into my room because he said he was close to having a heart attack because of medical stuff and said I wouldn’t have even cared. He’s the best dad and I care about him more than I care about myself so that hurt. A few minutes later he came into my room and hugged me and just broke down sobbing and saying I’m all he has left and how he’s really trying and that I’m mean and I shouldn’t be mean and just a lot of really deep stuff. He was talking like a little kid and just sobbing I kept trying to tell him I loved him but he’d go “then why are you so mean to me.” It fucking hurts to see your dad, the strongest and best person you know completely break down like that. I genuinely would die if he went away and I wanted to scream how much I cared about him. His girlfriend saw the entire thing and I feel for her too because she’s a lot younger than he is with a lot less life experience so this is new to her (they’ve only been together like 5 months) but even so she came to comfort me and him. I genuinely can’t understate how much I care about my dad and I wish he knew. He’s the only reason I’m still here. He was like this once last year and drove off to a club/bar and called the cops because he was genuinely going to hurt himself. I know he was like this when I was little too, I remember him punching holes into walls and yelling at my mom but it stopped when I was probably 6. He’s been through therapy multiple times and is on several medications. I just wish his life was easier, he’s genuinely been through the ringer and I hate how little he thinks of himself. I just wish I could show him how much I loved him in a way he would believe me.

I slept fine, I didn’t fall asleep so nicely. I don’t know why, I felt perfectly adequate all evening and then bam I cry myself to sleep. I don’t know how or why, and I didn’t even cry over anything in particular it was just any and everything. And I just kept crying and crying, like a baby. I had to switch pillows twice because I drenched it, but I got to sleep on my favourite pillow by the time I was almost asleep thankfully. I can be so picky with pillows, another thing mum tends to call me, even to this day - the princess and the pea. Or rather she likens me to her… I can’t entirely say I disagree tbh. I just like things a particular way, not all things, I can be relaxed about plenty, but there are some things I just to be just so. My pillows when I sleep for example, how the dishwasher top rack is stacked etc. Entirely inconsequential things really. But anyway. I didn’t fall asleep so nicely. I woke up feeling better, still a bit sad but nothing I couldn’t ignore.
It’s now 12:58pm and I’ve done next to nothing. I’ve been watching BT, I’m not writing the name of the show because I feel like that might be search heavy at the moment? So I’ve been watching that, I’m midway through the third episode now and there are four out so far. I’ve also painted some of my lil clay things with primer. And that’s about it. I really need to clean and tidy my room but the idea of it… ugh. I don’t want to :(
I’m loving BT so much. I like the stories and characters and stuff, but I mostly love the sets and costumes. They’re just so luxuriously opulent and uggghhhhhhh I want to just stare it all. Sometimes I wish they would clear out the cast and just give us a tour of the rooms and show all the details of the gowns. But like I learned in therapy, beauty is something I value highly, not in a vain way but in the way I utterly adore beautiful things whether it be a stunningly ornate wallpaper, a sparkly bead encrusted gown or even a leaf that is the perfect shade of green. I just love it all and it brings me so much joy, more than I realised now that I’m conscious of this value of mine. But the BT house itself, particularly the drawing room ommmmgggg. The blue? I think it’s called wedgewood blue from memory, with the creamy/white detailing. And all the light streaming through. It’s so dreamy. And it makes me love my blue and white bedroom more. And the gowns!!!!!!! I wish I could roll around in them, they’re so sparkly and detailed and beyond beautiful. Particularly the ones crusted in beading and with the luxurious silks and satins and velvets and taffetas and organza and all of it. And the colours! It’s all so dreamy. I don’t overly love the style of a lot of the gowns, that sort of empire line, mainly because it only looks good on women with fewer curves and a flatter chest, they can look gorrrrrrrgeous in them. But otherwise if you have any kind of cleavage it looks so weird and bleh. I love Penelope so much, she’s always been a favourite character and she honestly deserves the very best. And Colin definitely got a glow up prior to this season. His brown coat is so delicious. I’m beginning to wonder if I should read the series…? I do love a lil historical romance. Anyway I don’t even Penelope and Colin to end up together, I mean Lord Debling is so lovely and Colin is off sleeping with hookers… like? Then again I know I am wrong in how I think and feel about all of this. I know I have expectations ghat are unfair, I mean maybe not for everyone but if I’m nothing special and therefore not enough then can I criticise. This doesn’t make sense. Anyway. Actually nevermind I just watched the fourth episode and I am very much Team Colin. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!!!!!!!! But now I have to wait for part two in mid June :(
I’m going to the office tomorrow. I don’t want to. But oh well. I’m going to make a concerted effort to get back in twice a week - I’ve been slack with it and it doesn’t help me become better. Leaving the house more is important, so this shall be one of the ways. I’m also going to get some new sneakers and a walking jacket so I can go for walks more regularly. I’d like to go several times a week, but I’ll work up to that. I love my walks, I love them a lot but I just get filled with every negative emotion when I go for them around my house, to the point I’ll start having tears running down my cheeks or shaky trembly hands - it’s pathetic. I think environment is everything, and purpose. When I walk pups at my parents I don’t feel these things, I’ll be a little anxy but nothing I can’t manage. But here? It’s so hard. It’s so stupid I know. But I love walking, I feel better when I do it regularly, so I shall keep forcing myself to do it until I feel okay about it. I know this is what I have to do, but the way it makes me feel inside… it never feels worth it. To be 20 minutes walk from home and feel on the verge of a panic attack is NOT a good feeling and it only makes my panic worsen. So baby steps. I’ve been considering on and off moving to a different area, I think I would feel more comfortable in other areas, I don’t know why I don’t here but I don’t. But moving elsewhere is no different to running from problems so I will sort it out here.
I broke his little bowl. I didn’t mean to :( I feel kind of upset about it, it’s been two weeks in the making with time to shape, dry, prime and I was doing a final layer of primer pre paint and my stupid finger went through the base. So I guess it would never have been a good present anyway because it broke so easily. But I bought a really pretty coloured paint because I thought he might like it and I just feel upset. I showed him it, idk why, I just messaged him a picture of it now and I already wish I hadn’t. I shouldn’t have even made anything for him in the first place, he’s made it abundantly clear he doesn’t care for homemade things - cards, presents, whatever. If he did like them he would comment on them, and he never does, so maybe it’s a good thing this broke. I just like sharing things with him, like when I draw and I like a tree I’ve drawn I want to show him, except I don’t because I’m utterly rubbish at drawing and it makes me look like a five year old. I at least appreciate his honesty, or transparency rather. It means I can understand what he does and doesn’t like. I just think his likes don’t mesh with my like of making homemade cards and presents. It’s not like I only give him that though. Anyway it doesn’t matter, plus it’s probably better for me to not share things like this given I don’t have any skill or natural talent with it. Just because you enjoy something doesn’t make you good at it.
I don’t feel so great this afternoon, mood wise.
I’ve done the absolute bare minimum with my room, and the bar was set very, very low today. I tidied the floor up a bit, I made my bed, did a lazy tidy of my vanity desk thing.. that’s about it. I’ll do more across the week.
I feel.. detached today. This afternoon, rather. I know I love my family, Andy, puppy… etc. I just can’t feel it. I know it’s all in there, but I feel detached and I can’t reach it. This isn’t unusual, I just always try to describe the feeling and always fail. I think knowing I care but not being able to feel myself care sums it up as well as I’ll ever be able to.
I found a little notebook of my early days of therapy, well with this current one, maybe not that early actually but idk. It was just me writing down who I am. The first is “I am a human” because I had to start with the basics. The last line is “I try my best to be friendly” - I think I will continue with this. No one really comments much on me so I will just write it as things feel write. From memory it was also a way to force myself to speak more kindly to myself, ie I am a woman vs I am a monster. And things like I’m generous, I love animals, I am quiet, I try to be patient, I love romance, I appreciate attention to detail, I like to care for others, I am a homebody, I love reading etc. And then scattered amongst it was some honesty, like I can be a control freak, I am quite particular about some things, I am indecisive, I am sensitive etc. And then next to I am a friend I have a question mark. But I want to continue writing these things, I think it’s helpful when I feel lost in myself to be able to read through a list of things I’ve written and be reminded. That sounds so silly to not know who you are sometimes, but sometimes I just feel so unbelievably lost and unmoored from everything, even myself. So I’ll write all the good things, and the bad. I’ll write things that I like, things that I don’t. I’ll write things I want in my life, things I feel like I should want but don’t, things I shouldn’t want but do etc etc etc. It’ll be a little tiny notebook of everything me. I wonder if sometimes it’s possible for me to get any lamer? Unlikely.
I’ve been thinking about stopping journaling here more and more. I get more out of posting it here, it feels like a release, like I’m letting all the thoughts go which is especially helpful with my negative ones, I don’t know.
It’s 5:23pm. I need to wash and blowdry my hair, as it’s still damp in the morning lately. I need to have something for dinner, I guess. I’ve been struggling with eating lately, I feel so ugly and it makes me not want to eat and then that sets off a bad string of things. I’ll have something little, vegemite toast maybe. I need to pack my bag for tomorrow. And that’s it.
I feel better after a shower and chat with Andy, I still feel not good but he perked me up on the outside. He makes me laugh so much :) It’s kind of weird to think I’ll be living long term in Australia, like I’ve always intended on living there - until my mental health and covid messed things up a little for me timeline wise. But to think I’ll maybe say Australian things…? That I’ll say thongs? And I definitely will because I cave quickly, like I was only in the UK two years and I said crisps and trainers and I still do to this day, which I’m actively trying to stop. I wonder what my accent would sound like after like ten years… I really doubt I’d ever lose my accent. It’s funny how I do probably sound a bit different when talking to him versus my mum. I just talk more softly with him, I naturally do anyway to the point I have people comment semi regularly on how soft spoken I am, but idk, I don’t even mean to speak to him a certain way, I just do? And then he hears me talking to mum and I probably sound like I’m wearing Jandals and stubbies while loading up the ute as I prepare for a tramp in the bush. Christ. I do love being from here though, in theory I would rather we live here than Australia, and never say never… but it makes more sense to be there. I don’t really have anyone here other than my parents whereas he has family and friends and his payments and all of it. I don’t really have any ties here. Anyway.
I get to spend time with him tonight :) Night night

Two books, one premise: A princess prepares to take the throne in her own right as the first female ruler in a deeply patriarchal world.
It’s been done before. So so many times. But this time, I feel like it’s going to be done right.
The other book (which I’ll leave unnamed and I’ve complained about before) has the princess returning from a foreign court where she laments that all the other ladies lacked political ambition, enjoyed traditional feminine pursuits, and she’s the only woman ever to dare try and change things. Everyone is going to be against her. I DNF’d on the spot.
Reign & Ruin excerpts:
“Though she shared her father’s gift, and affinity, for plans and schemes, she could not treat the Council as he had. She was not a man, not a prince, whose temper would be seen as strength or whose unusual methods might be seen as visionary instead of disruptive. Neither was she a princess the way they believed she should be. They believed her indulged, spoiled, given too much freedom. Because she was also her mother’s daughter, a lowborn woman who had made her way to the top tiers of the University on her wits and tenacity alone. In so doing, Naime’s mother had attracted the notice of the most powerful man in Tamar.”.
“Today is a momentous day,” her father said, and a familiar spark of mischief lit his eyes, one that hinted he was about to announce something he knew would displease the Council. It was the same look he had worn when he watched her and her mother plot Naime’s rise to the Sultan’s seat. “
Both books acknowledged the struggles a princess would have holding the throne on her own which is historically accurate. But what I love about Reign & Ruin is that Princess Naime has female support. She acknowledges her mother’s abilities, ambitions, and support. (Bonus that the dad is also on her team.) I love women supporting women and acknowledging the trailblazers. I’ve read several other similar stories of women breakthrough’s (both fictional and real) and the well-written fictional ones always have a support system (as in real life). You need the cheerleaders, you need the role models. And it’s so refreshing to read a book that acknowledges it.
Just needed to get this out because the other book literally threw me into reading slump because I was so excited for the premise. It didn’t help that I started and DNF’d 3 series after. I finally have a book I’m excited to read so it may be several hours before I pop my head back out. 😁
Also because I did flair as discussion, what two books had similar premises but one was a hit and the other was a miss?

Prepare for a wall of text, this is a long one, also, english is not my mother´s tongue. Im posting this after a question in AskMen touched a sensitive fiber and I need some advice on how to proceed.
She is a married friend of mine, but our friendship is quite peculiar.
We know eachother since our last year at university (eight years ago), we did a team asignament and got along well so we continued seeing eachother after the course ended. We clicked well and talked about everything including our romantic lifes, her almost sexless relationship and my shitty and sexless dating life. We developed trust, companionship and a curiosity for trying new things together. We have the same values, political leaning and dark sense of humour. It is a great friendship and we can confide eachother anything.
She was in an almost sexless relationship for years, she married that same guy and is still married to him (14 years together and counting). Her relationship with her now husband is great except for the sexual aspect. This was a recurring conflict in her relationship up to the point than her then BF told her than "if she wanted sex so much she could find someone else", it didnt bothered him that she had sex outside of the relationship. She almost told him to go fuck himself right there. Ironically, near the marriage date she found chats his fiance had with another woman, he was planing on cheating on her. They talked thing out, she forgave him and got married. I asked her WTF she was thinkig, but she said she loved him...
Over the years of closeness, trust and mutual support, we developed atraction we both adknowledged to eachother but we both knew nothing would happen because she was married. Just to give you an example, she once told me that if she wasnt married we would have been having sex from long ago (wierd to translate from spanish), and I told her that the only thing stopping me is that she respected her marriage. This kind pull and push went on every once in a while for years. We both knew nothing would happen but we liked having someone that made us feel sexually desired, as her relationship was as sexless as before the marriage, and my dating life sucked big time.
Arround year and a half ago, she gave her husband an ultimatum and he finally went to an endocrinologist and a therapist, and after some time their sexual life improved. This went fine for arround a year until her father in law passed away, and their sex life plummeted again.
In our last meetups she told me her husband screwed up again, she found he had a collection of pictures he took from a coworkers IG profile and pictures from other women, which he looked before having sex with her to arouse and prepare himself for the act. When she confronted him, he said he was going to try to improve, but a month passed and he was caught again looking at other womens pic. He said to her that his psychologist told him he wasnt hurting anyone by doing this, as it wasnt cheating.
He said he wanted to do a clean slate, try from the begining again and she also said she had something to confess. A year after the wedding, she took some singing lessons (she sings preety well) and there was a classmate that didnt gave a fuck she was married, she hadnt had sex in months, found someone who was agresive in his aproach, lusted for her and caved in. She told me about the guy when this happened, but she lied to me and said that "it took a lot of willpower and self restraint not to cheat".
Now, here is the problem:
I never expected her to dump her BF/husband for me because that is a recipe for failure and being replaced on the same way the previous guy was. And while I stated I was interested I never pushed to far because of her morals (christian practicing woman who believed in marriage and loyalty AFAIK then). I have to admit than I if she dumped him I would have taken my chance because she is everything I want in a woman (except for the cheating part), she actually raised the standard of what I would like in a long term partner.
But it really pissed me off than the moment she decides to take the risk to set her life on fire, she does it with a random guy, and that the excuse she gave me is that she valued our friendship and would have caused her a lot of pain if her husband found out and she couldnt see me again, she didnt sleep with me because she valued me. What kind of twisted, emotionally manipulative way ot thinking is that???. I didnt confront her that exact moment and emotionally dissociated because at the time we were having a coffee previous to a theater function she gifted the ticket to me for my birthday (we give eachother nice gifts), it was not the time nor the place.*
I honestly feel used for the validation her husband didnt gave her for years, and a part of me wants to tell her to fuck off and never talk to her again. Another part of me sees a great friend in her, and it would hurt me dearly not having her in my life. This confession changed the way I see her, there is no going back from that. I can accept being second to her husband, but not to a random stranger (one who didnt gave a fuck about her values and pushed until he got into her pants).
I have to be honest too, and in these eight years my dating life was a dissaster, I never dated much, I tried for a month or two, then dropped the towel for months on a never ending cycle with longer hiatus each time. Dating allmost always lead nowhere for me, I only had sex with two women in all that time, I would have loved a LTR but it never happened for me. So, having someone that found me atractive as a person and as a man made me feel a bit valued.
TLDR: I have feelings for a married friend, she said she is atracted to me too. It never lead somewhere because we both knew our place. She cheated on her husband with a random guy and told me she didnt cheat on him with me because she valued me.
EDIT: added a bit of info*

My bf (M37) and I (F22) have been having intimacy problems in our relationship a lot recently. He has always made it known that he has a low sex drive and that past relationships have ended because of this very reason. I never wanted this to be the reason we didn’t work out. We’ve been together for 3 1/2 years, and in the beginning, it was never that bad. I went from being with someone that wanted to do it for 2+ hours everyday, to someone that only wanted to once a week. Once a week was great for me, especially coming from my last relationship. A little over a year now, I started to notice a decrease in his interest. I would mention it and he would say that me saying something would turn him off, so we would go even longer without anything. It would just get awkward and he would always tell me that I didn’t turn him on because I’m not sexy. Back in his youth, he was always going around, so he had tons of experience. I hadn’t been with a lot of people, so I didn’t have nearly the amount of experience he has. Around the same time I noticed the distance, I noticed he was watching porn while I was in the other room. I thought that because he had a low sexy drive, that he didn’t want anything at all. After I find this out, I start to notice that has was watching porn every single day. I found this out because he had a cum rag next to our bed, so I would look at it everyday to see if it has moved. Eventually, I finally brought it up to him. He would always say that it wasn’t my business, but I would tell him that it felt like he was cheating because he didn’t want to be intimate with me. Fast forward to last December, we get into a huge argument because I would continue to bring up his porn usage. We almost break up, but then he tells me that he loves me too much for this to be the reason we split, so he says he won’t watch it anymore to try to improve our intimacy. He even threw his cum rag away. For a while it was working. He would tell me that because there were no outside stimulants, he was able to find me more arousing. Over the last few months, he would go on and off from watching porn constantly to not watching it for weeks. The last month, I’ve noticed a really big change in his affection, so I asked him if he had watched porn and he admitted to watching it once this week. This was the fourth time since December that I had confronted him and he confessed. Today, I told him that I felt hurt that he continued to lie to me and we are right back at square one. He continues to say that his porn usage is none of my business and that these are my problems. He said that he uses porn to get off quickly and that it easy to find something to watch to get it over with. When he does it with me, he says that he has to put himself in the mood and that I don’t turn him on because I lack confidence. He told me that I need to sleep in the other room and to come to him when I have a legitimate solution, and if I don’t, then we’re done. Please help me. I don’t want this relationship to end. We were just talking today about how we’re going to get married this year and how happy we are in our lives. This is the only thing that keeps us apart. I just don’t know how to get over this or how to gain the confidence and be sexy. He’s not into lingerie, or aggressive kissing. I don’t know how to turn him on, and I don’t know how to let his porn usage go. How to I gain confidence/be sexy?

For context, I just moved to NZ alone & have been a regular at a cafe on the weekends outside of work (im 24). Every time I go, the same Barista will be friendly & wave goodbye to me etc (i know shes doing her job lol). I thought I'd have a crack but also hesitant to not ruin my local cafe, so I left my number on a receipt asking if she wanted dinner. Nothing comes, no text/call nothing. But, the next week I come to the same cafe & order my regular (the barista is working). As I'm drinking my coffee, the music cuts out...and about half a minute later. "Single Soon" By Selena Gomez comes on. Is this intentional, a sign from the Gods? Either way, I am in love with this women.
Thoughts people?

Hello there everyone. I had a couple shots and I'm stoned and im feeling social and would like to get to know some of you wonderful people on reddit
I am in need of friends men and women and everyone in between or if youre an alien thats cool too. The point is, I dont have many friends and I feel like the ones I do are slowly starting to fall out with me so I really want to make some friends online.
I want to get to know you through conversation, I tend to ask a lot of questions because I'm a curious person so if you like talking about yourself then im all for it! Im also an open book so go ahead and ask any questions you'd like.
About me: i am 24 and I live in the western US, I am a Virgo and my personality type is ISTP. My favorite genre of music is metal but I like mostly everything and I am always open to new music so if you have a recommendation or got a song stuck in your head please send it to me! Id love to listen. I play video games as of lately I've been playing a lot of tarkov, warno, dinkum and a few other games. I play on pc if you ever want to play something! Lastly im Hispanic and I speak Spanish so if you speak Spanish as well say Hola!
Hope to hear from someone (:

“Do not waist life…”
Oh Lestat, the illiterate boy & young man you were; so desperate to learn & be good, with a Mother for whom knowledge & escape through books was her only solace… who couldn’t even be bothered to teach you the alphabet.
Now, with your preternatural skills, you can read & write & do any thing you wish… but of course - it makes sense that you would never have entirely learned how to spell, or at least that there’d be the odd, common words you didn’t know. (Occurred is also spelled incorrectly.)
Little details, breaking my heart even more.
Thank you everyone for caring so much, you thought about the spelling of Lestat’s letter. I noticed. I care about every tiny detail like this & feel it, like love: deep in my soul.
Also: is Dreamstat really going to make me cry in every single episode of season 2, even when he’s barely in the episode for a breath?! He made me cry in episode 1, and here too.
Oh Louis: to read this letter & all your internal pain & shame & sorrow & guilt & love to deepen, I’m sure even more. Oh Sam, how you spoke the letter. Oh Lestat’s outfit, from their first “date”….
(I have much more to say on the episode, which I’ll do in the episode thread, but for now… I just loved this little detail…)

Hello there everyone. I had a couple shots and I'm stoned and im feeling social and would like to get to know some of you wonderful people on reddit
I am in need of friends men and women and everyone in between or if youre an alien thats cool too. The point is, I dont have many friends and I feel like the ones I do are slowly starting to fall out with me so I really want to make some friends online.
I want to get to know you through conversation, I tend to ask a lot of questions because I'm a curious person so if you like talking about yourself then im all for it! Im also an open book so go ahead and ask any questions you'd like.
About me: i am 24 and I live in the western US, I am a Virgo and my personality type is ISTP. My favorite genre of music is metal but I like mostly everything and I am always open to new music so if you have a recommendation or got a song stuck in your head please send it to me! Id love to listen. I play video games as of lately I've been playing a lot of tarkov, warno, dinkum and a few other games. I play on pc if you ever want to play something! Lastly im Hispanic and I speak Spanish so if you speak Spanish as well say Hola!
Hope to hear from someone (:

Hello everyone,
I’m a 30 yr old Canadian, currently working as a software developer with 4 years of experience and a bachelor’s degree in science. I have a decent income of around $100k, and realistically, I might make up to 200k ish if I get lucky in my career. I’m single, and I’ve recently started looking into the field of aviation.
I have several friends who are currently first officers at a regional airline, and after talking to them and doing a discovery flight myself, I found the experience truly amazing. Up until now, I’ve been happy with my work. I enjoy programming, I work fully remote, and my hours are always 8-4 with no overtime or stress after work. However, I’ve started to realize I’m missing out on a lot in life. I’ve lived in the same city for 30 years, always in my comfort zone.
Lately, I’ve noticed that my passion for software development is waning. I’m finding it increasingly boring, and studying for professional development in the field feels more like a chore than an opportunity and the information I need to cram into my brain is not anywhere near fun at all.
At the same time, thinking about a career in aviation excites me and makes me genuinely eager to study for it. It gets my heart jumping, and I haven’t felt this way about something in a while.
I’m in good mental and physical health, and I’ve passed the class 1 medical exam. I have, for the past 5 years been going to the gym daily and I am physically fit.
If I choose to quit my job and go all in with aviation school near my city, I’d aim to earn all the necessary ratings (PPL, CPL, multi, multi-IFR) and the 250 hours of flight time required to work as a first officer at a regional airline within the next 2 years. The cost is around $80k, which I can afford without taking out a loan. I also have enough to support myself through studying until I find myself a job as a first officer.
After finishing flight school, I’d work on the ramp until a first officer position becomes available, with a starting salary of around $40k-$50k. Assuming everything goes as planned, it should take 3 years or less (hopefully less) for me to reach this stage. I don’t want to keep comparing numbers, but I have to, to stay realistic. My end goal is to become a captain at Air Canada.
I’ve heard about the cons of being an airline pilot, such as unstable schedules, rough early career stages, and not being able to come home to spend time with (future) family. I don't know how I will feel about this, but I am both scared and okay at the same time. One of my biggest concerns is how the career is so seniority-based, given I am starting relatively late compared to people starting in their early 20s.
Main concern is how realistic it is for me to become a captain at Air Canada and start building my career there, knowing that seniority from a previous airline won’t transfer. How realistic is it that I will be able to make a comfortable living while doing the thing I love?
I want to make this change, but I’m scared. I know there are thousands of posts about whether 30+ is too old, and I’ve read them all, but I’m still scared I might not make it past the regional airlines.
Should I go for it?
Thanks for any advice.