Im nearing 1 month into toxic mold exposure. Cleaned up some throw up with a towel and forgot it in the hamper (i know). When doing laundry mold powder (?) got in the from unsticking the towel.
For the first two weeks i was sleeping in the same room with no air purifier. I started to develop worse symptoms, such as tight chest, delusion, issues remembering words, body twitches, abdomen aches, and so on. In the thick of it I had horrible insomnia.
Last week, I made the mistake of washing a contaminated pillow with the rest of my bedspread, being uneducated on how to "clean mold." That completely ruined me. Horrible body aches, tight chest, and most of the things in that room cause my symptoms to flare up as well. Im not yet able to move out, but I have since moved to a different room in the same house, albeit on a different floor. I didn't take anything from the room with me except a desk that ive wiped down.
Although, since the contamination of my pillows and bedspread, I've been experiencing what seems to be an all day, never ending headache. Often times this is my only noticeable symptom. Even when I leave the house, the back of my head still pulses with pain. I am only able to find relief when I wash my hair with cold water, even if for a few minutes. Sometimes it goes away, then returning when I come into contact with contaminated clothing. I have dreadlocks, which are highly porous, which is why I fear that I have mycotoxins secured in the kinks of my hair. I notice that when i dry my hair, the fingers I'm using get stiff and hurt a bit. Hair touching my body also tends to cause a burning sensation.
Headaches, above all are my biggest concern with mold toxicity because of the inflammation in the brain it may cause. Am I correct to think that I have mycotoxins lodged in my hair, and how would I go about resolving this?

Hello all. Trying to figure this one out before I make an ass of myself at the drs so I’d like to check if it’s a bendy thing or just a human thing. I’ll be as specific and succinct as possible.
It’s happened to me my whole life.
WHAT: My muscles get like wringing, ok this is aside from the deep ache and PEM stuff. This is like a twisting deep pain like deep internal muscle shivering like tremors (or dramatic trembling but strong trembling like head to toe trembling.) I am NOT epileptic, and this is NOT hypoglycemia. Muscles become trembley shakey wringing like I’m trying to desperately warm myself up. They will jerk and bounce slightly as well.
My jaw will also tremble like shivering, and my speech gets like drawled or slow like if I ate too much ice cream and my tongue goes dumb- I have to speak carefully to not sound like there’s an issue with me or like I’ve been drinking. I have to focus to control my tongue and mouth to form the words correctly. My mind is clear and no confusion, just all body stuff.
I considered this might “just be what happens if I get cold”, but this can also like I said happen just from emotional overwhelm like nervousness or excitability.
WHEN: Happens due to three different causes that I can remember:
•if I’m emotional, like nervous or something overwhelming happens or even like at a haunted house or even something positive like swooning at a crush I recall as a teen for example. So like excitability.
•From fatigue or over exertion. It recently happened towards the end of a three hour gardening class. I had seating, it was low level stress, and minimal physical stress. It was chilly but I was bundled up. In this case it was the fatigue or stamina involved that pushed me to that state.
• Actually being cold from the weather.
Recovery involves clenching my teeth and holding myself really tightly like a ball to like counteract the overall spasticity. My speaking issues will decrease from the mouth dumbness almost drunk sounding back to normal and I can just kind of shake it off.
I am fourty six now, and this has happened ever since I can recall- maybe since early teens or even like seven?
It’s now after many years of diagnosis I’m wondering A)what this is that I’m describing and B) if it’s an EDS thing so I can just deal w it like everything else or if it might be something else like to look into. All my labs and stuff are normal in the abnormal ways it can go like occasional inflammation ana kinda stuff, my rheumy has no specific concerns at this time.
Thank you so much if you can help me try to understand what’s happening before I act a fool at the Drs explaining all this lol

Because it’s too early for Wednesday Whinge.
Is it just me or is everyone sick at the moment? There’s been viruses and covid flying around my workplace offices - both city and regional.
I came down with a sore throat last Sunday, which turned into fever, muscle aches and dry cough with green muck coming up from my lungs. Negative covid tests. Saw a gp last Thursday, got sent for a swab (still awaiting results) and started on antibiotics as I started going down hill.
Been literally coughing up my lungs every night to the point I can’t sleep. Lungs are too tired to keep coughing. I’ve not been sick for over a year and this is something else.
Anyone else experiencing a virus like this at the moment? Going on day 8 and not significantly better.

I'm looking for advice while I wait to see a doc. I've been to the hospital 3 times in the last 2 months for sudden chest pain, shortness of breath, and high blood pressure, thinking I'm having a heart attack. The first time I couldn't breathe, collapsed, and thought I was going to die in the hospital. Each time they've taken my tests, my heart and lungs are perfectly fine.
I just learned about GERD and think I may be experiencing this. I'm not experiencing any of the typical regurgitation, no stomach ache or nausea, the pain is really all centered in the chest with high blood pressure. It's been happening every night for at least a week. I live alone and am terrified every night, I'm so sad, feel so weak, and hyperfixated on both my health and every sensation in my body.
I guess I need to vent more than anything else. This came on so suddenly, with no warning, and no obvious cause. It's really getting to me :'(

I’ve been experimenting with supplementation and biohacking for about 10 years now and I’m starting to wonder how much it has affected the way I view my own health.
I’m concerned that I may have become hypersensitive to my body to a point of mild hypochondria or even being psychosomatic.
Or maybe I genuinely have constant health issues.
I’ve been feeling envious of people who seem to never have any sort of discomfort or need for health intervention— do they actually exist?
Or do people bury it down because of societal expectations of appearing OK, or because they’re not overly in-tune to their body and so they tend to ignore issues?
Some recurring issues are:
Uncomfortable PMS symptoms like cramping, extreme fatigue, moodiness, anxiety, and bloating.
I’ve had a chronic bottom rib injury that limits my movement.
I’ve been seeing black spots in my vision for a couple of years now, usually when my heart rate is up, i’m feeling overly anxious, or I’ve had too much caffeine.
Ongoing stomach issues for years, like bloating, constipation, and pain.
There’s always some body ache I’m trying to solve, and some focus, emotional, or energy issue.
this just feels like a lot to me, especially for someone who takes care of themselves. I do have a lot of stress, but I manage it pretty well with my workout routine, diet, therapy, sleep, and other recommended techniques.
36F. I jog/run about 10 miles per week and I do hot yoga twice a week.

I am having a hard time managing working out and my increasing symptoms. In fact, one of the first signs of something being not the norm before my period was due was not being able to complete a normal training session. I took the rest of this week off because of awful headaches and fatigue. How have ya’ll found the motivation and energy to maintain your activities? I plan on dialing back intensity but I sustained major injuries two years ago and my body starts to ache if I stop consistent movement. My coach is great and a pelvic PT as well, my OBGYN is very encouraging of continuing on in a sustainable way.
Admittedly, I am worried about losing the strength and confidence I’ve built in my body. But, I want to find a balance between supporting a healthy pregnancy and my mental health. This is the first “normal” pregnancy I’ve had after losses and I’m so grateful for that. As an athlete, motion is truly medicine for me. Any advice or insight is welcome!

Decided to get one of the frozen slushy drinks today and made the mistake of drinking too much of it at once. Got the classic "brain freeze" headache almost immediately except it was legitimately the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. It only lasted a minute or so, but since then I've had a mild dull ache around the roof of my mouth and my forehead where the brain freeze was, and I've been experiencing some fatigue and difficulty concentrating since then, and that was around 5 hours or so ago.
Google tells me cold-induced headaches are not dangerous, so how long do I have to wait before I feel normal again?
28M, 5'9", 170lbs, White, no significant health/medical issues in the past. No drinking/drug use.

So I’m in no way a fitness beginner but i have ocd about never missing a day of working out. But this week i developed a gnarly virus. 102 Fever, Body ache, pink eye. I know scientifically ur body won’t lose progress one day but I still feel I will for some reason so I came here for someone to tell me it’ll be okay😂 I know it sounds stupid but my anxiety would bother me all day if nobody told me it was fine

I have nasty body aches, stuffy nose, slight 100 fever: Advil helps ALOT but, it feels like Covid, tested negative for Covid, flu, strep on the first day of symptoms. It came on abruptly.

Hi! I was exposed to sb on Thursday around 1 it’s now Saturday at 7:30. When I was exposed I took all the proper precautions, washed my hands, kept distance, etc. I haven’t been sick at all other than a little n* that I attribute to anxiety. However I just started running a fever, not feeling n* or any sort of stomach discomfort other then normal feelings of g*s. I just have a 101° fever, headache, body aches, and chills. Anyone think this could be sb?

Me and my boyfriend got together near the beginning of this year, and have only been together for around three months. I've had a couple of boyfriends before him, and they were pretty healthy relationships; none of them ever put their hands on me with harmful intent, none of them ever got their heads turned or were disloyal. Just ended due to me moving away for university / moving to another town.
But this one, he does, (kind of?) he has never punched me, or slapped me, never directly hurt me. But he has done some pretty scary things. It started small, the first thing was a shove. A light shove when I was doing my makeup, it meant almost nothing to me. He apologised profusely and said it wouldn't happen again. I'm worrying because, at one point I could list all of the times he touched me in a harmful way. But now only the first instance and the worst instance stick out. It has happened so many times. The worst in my opinion was when I was sick, we were arguing, I was sitting up in bed with an ice lolly to soothe my throat. He grabbed it from me, squished it in his hand and threw it in my face. Then a little later, pulled me out of the bed and onto the floor because 'I wasn't listening to him'. I was just trying to go to sleep as I felt sick, and didn't want to continue the argument.
He always says that his reasoning for grabbing me, grabbing my phone, pulling me out of bed etc. is because I start arguments and never want to continue them. I do see what he means, I bring up something that bothers me and then I get scared when it gets heated, and so I back down, or try to stop talking about it. I realise the 'reassurance' I will get at the end of it isn't worth feeling afraid to get hurt, or pouring my heart out to someone who later will make fun of me with his friends. (I've seen messages of this happening, and now whenever I open up to him I feel so stupid. I struggle through it to communicate for the sake of saving the relationship. I love him, I don't want to start fresh. He is the only thing that makes this town feel like home, can you blame me?)
The main incidents I bring up are: him downloading Tinder and arranging to sleep with someone else after an argument (he responds with, I never went through with it, I thought it was over, even though we were still texting at the time, joking with eachother on good terms in my opinion). I also want to mention that this argument wasn't even an argument. He called me his ex's name and I got hurt, said I needed space and time to heal. My mindset the whole time was 'it will get better, we can get through this' and his seemed to be 'I'm going to sleep with someone else to hurt her'. And it worked. I'm so hurt. Whenever we have sex now I can't concentrate because I worry I'm not enough. I still do have sex with him, but I go to the bathroom or hide in bed and I cry afterwards. I can't get turned on, or wet, sex always hurts me because I just think about how he would throw me away in a heartbeat for a Tinder hookup. I cry when I see myself in the mirror, I used to love how I looked. I was popular in secondary school, sixth form and people tell me I am typically attractive, but nothing can explain the disgust I feel when I see myself now. I hate my hair, my face, my body. It wasn't enough to keep him loyal, to keep him from telling his girl bestfriend all of my family issues, to keep him from mocking me saying 'Did you get hit recently' referring to my bad relationship with my dad. It hurts me so badly, I'm sitting near him now, my eyes are watering and my heart is aching. I hate feeling this way.
But I don't want to leave him. I'm newly estranged, I have almost no friends left because I spend all of my time with him, and I'm just overall really down mentally. I also fear that, because of the Tinder situation, he will move on really quickly and forget all about me. I know he will talk about me in a horrible way with his girl best friend as I've seen these things happen before. I'm terrified, because I do love him a lot, I'm quite attached by this point. I don't want to break up because I'm scared of all of the horrible things he will say to people. People I will never be able to explain my side of the story to, people that see pictures of me and think, 'what a bitch, what an overbearing, exhausting bitch'. He knows so much about me, he knows about my childhood, my entire estrangement process, my family problems, my medical issues, I trusted him. I still trust him. But part of me knows this can't be good. The thought of him with someone else kills me. But I know straight after we break up he will be sleeping around, probably comparing me to these girls he meets. I know I never was his type, he constantly insulted me and my appearance. He told me I have weak hair, he uses 'white girl' as an insult when we argue, and he's said to his friends how he 'wants a Latina'. I know I'm not enough for him, but I know the pain of breaking up will crush me. I'm scared I won't come back from it. I know I won't move on fast, I won't even be able to love anyone for a long time. This is what scares me, if we break up, I feel like I'm losing someone I love, and I'll have to think of him sleeping with other people whilst I sit in my room, crying and listening to our playlist.

Hello everyone! I wanted to write and share something constructive for this space, that hopefully goes beyond snarking specific names and personalities and helps those who have been harmed in one way or another find a bit of understanding around what happened to them and why.
I've shared pieces of my story here before but the gist is: I am not from the coaching world. I'm from the general spirituality world - from a spiritual modality that has an aspect of divine feminine and divine masculine that has always interested me, but few others in the community. I learned about this whole specific mess listening to love & light confessionals, and went deep into the rabbit hole. The perversion of understanding of masculine/feminine energy dynamics was horrifying but also enlightening. I'm big on learning how NOT to be from people who give me the major ick. This is why I've done a lot of deep diving in general on cults, gurus, and manipulative spirituality in general - and there's a lot to take away if you can go in with this mindset. I'm also hella autistic and love infiltrating niche internet subgroups whose experiences are much different than mine so I can - again - learn from the experieneces of others, and gain more empathy and understanding of the vast human experience.
I was a very forward facing person for the nonprofit I volunteered for for over 4 years. There was no "guru" that I supplicated, however there was a person formally in charge who abused their power and the willingness of others to help the organization, and was known to be cruel in private, when it suited them. I didn't see this person as above me - in fact in a lot of ways they were quite pitiful and needed a lot of help/support in their role - which is what I did, willingly and for practically free. At one point, the entire org sat down and did a call in of this person, however, they were able to push everyone that they couldn't control out of the way and rewrote the story with themselves as the victim (we all know this one). The final falling out happened at the end of 2019, so luckily for them Covid gave them some time to figure out how to run their events without me (they hired a paid staff).
Anyway, I gave many many hundreds of hours to this cause, and then the person in charge was able to take advantage of me and then push me out of the community I had served very seriously for 6 years with rumors that I had been trying to steal money. This is so far beyond the truth, and everyone involved directly knows this, but no one came to dispell the rumor. So, I've been heartbroken by supposedly "spiritual" leaders of a community, that's for sure. In fact listening to Katya was part of the cult deprogramming that me and a group who had left together went through (this group also used, abused, and betrayed me but that's another story!)
So, this isn't going to be about me, I just wanted to share my background. This is about what the divine feminine and the divine masculine "REALLY" are. This may get a bit woo in here but I can't imagine anyone here is afraid of woo. In fact it's the mystery of the spiritual experience that allows these people to cause so much harm. So let me try to remove some of that mystery.
The creation is polarized, in many ways. One of those ways is masculine/feminine. The masculine force is the will, the conscious mind, and that which puts the infinity of possible experience into order. It in and of itself is quite fallible. The feminine force is the subconscious mind - all that is - and the untapped potential of this reservoir. The masculine reaches for the feminine, and if the will (masculine) is properly configured, the unmanifest creation (feminine) will give him something in return. The masculine NEEDS the feminine but the feminine doesn't really NEED the masculine, however it does desire the masculine's attention being focused it its direction (instead of random mundane wordly experiences). And the feminine wants the masculine's attention consistently, lest the feminine will not be consistent at all in its response. This attention can be forceful or gentle, but it must be consistent.
Every human has a balance of masculine/feminine energy in them, and while women are socially conditioned to tend towards feminine expression and men towards masculine, biological sex really has very very little to do with it. There are of course, positive feminine expressions and negative, and positive male expressions and negative. What these polarity goons do is mostly focus on a mix of positive/negative masculine expression for the man, 0 female expression, and then only positive feminine expression for the woman with maybe, possibly, a bit of positive masculine expression (only during working hours when you're in seperate offices, and only if you're paying the bills, ofc)
Typically, we are attracted to partners who "balance" out our spiritual energy - so the "polarization" in a relationship can be anywhere from hyper masc/hyper femme to barely masc/barely femme - and again, this is NOT a hard and fast rule and has almost NOTHING to do with sex other than a general (mostly cultural) bias. The hyper femme/hyper masc scenario can definitely be more, well, exciting and dramatic than a relationship between two people who have very little polarized charge in that way between them. But that's likely why few of these polarity gurus have any experience in longevity of relationships - they are fueling their "twin flame" relationship with manufactured drama and trauma bonding. In reality, in a relationship, you are supposed to grow together and be more willing to meet each other where you are at in the moment, instead of demanding they be a near perfect idealized form before you offer them any attention/respect.
The reason these male teachers push polarity doctrine is literally because of their own wounding of the expression of the masculine/feminine. Men (especially USian men) have been taught that expressing any aspect of their feminine selves is repulsive and weak and probably gay. So, their solution to their own inability to be vulnerable is to attack women - for being "too masculine" - aka some balanced expression of both, normal! They want their women to be 100% pure unformed childlike energy with no will of their own, just a will that can be given to the man. They want them to embody this feminine space as close to 100% of the time so that they are forced into their masculine 100% of the time. Girlies, if you are in your masculine, this makes them feel more in their feminine and - gosh that's just icky and disgusting. You don't want your man to get a boner for you when you're in the masculine - that might make him GAY! In the very least it's totally beta to be attracted to a masculine woman and basically gay anyway. No thanks!
I'm sorry to be facetious, but this is in general a lot of the subconscious and even sometimes conscious thought processes behind these hyper polarity relationships. These are not evolved, embodied people. These are people who are still very invested in the old fashioned human status quo that has served them for a long time. We had the thread a few weeks back with the Desire on Fire lady (ugh her name escapes me) talking about how her husband had to "put her in her place" for being "too masculine" and how he really just "didnt want her" when she was in her masculine, when she was literally just running her business. Masculine wounding almost ALWAYS shows up as men being jealous of women being better at them in their own field - or really successful publicly at all - and this is why women STILL have a hard time breaking into male dominated spaces. We are systemically kept out because men die inside when they feel inferior to women. They were told this wasn't supposed to happen!!!! In fact, the person who spiritually abused me was a man - I see now how he "kept" me as a pet because of my high standing in the community. But this meant I was still firmly below him in certain ways - a much more comfortable place for me to be, someone who challenged him on his "expertise".
This polarity movement is taking a true spiritual concept and distorting it just to set women back. They don't want you to have an opinion or agency - other than "me want money" and "me want sex". They want you to play on Instagram all day and recruit ladies for them to sexually assault at your joint "retreats". They want you to only feel valued if you're made up and dressed up and "desired" by men. None of this internalized self worth stuff, only external male validation is allowed. Ladies, if any of you reading this are with some sort of this type of man, please, I beg you, choose the bear. This is the type of man who leaves you as soon as your body culminates too many signs of being aged. They are entitlted to a specific cartoon image of what they think a "woman" is, and sadly this culture has made young women INCREDIBLY easy to manipulate, so finding another partner is often quite easy for older men. It's all by design.
Here's another spiritual truth that is often obscured: One of the polarities of divinity is the left hand path and the right hand path. The left hand path is the path of control, wealth, using others, egocentrism, etc. The right hand path is about acceptance, generosity, helping others, and sacrifice. The middle path is a path with little to no power - it's the path of comfort, the path most people are on.
When one walks the middle path - i.e. has not really begun to truly develop their spiritual side - they do not yet have spiritual discernment. What happens when they come across someone who has been using spiritual principles to "build their wealth/power" is that they see someone with a spiritual light - and this isn't super common on social media. When we're hungry for it, we're like a moth to the flame. That's why they always know they'll be another mark. The problem then is when we don't have discernment, we cannot tell which "hand" the light is coming from, and often it's very easy to confuse the left hand for the right and vice versa. For instance, I am giving up a large part of my day to write this purely to help others in this community - Carly or MAL or someone might stumble upon this and see it as "evil". But that's because they see the light, but to them it's against their light, so I'm the evil one. But all I'm trying to offer is freedom of mind, and they're mad because they want your bag, and this is dependent on you being confused and them keeping a crumb of clarity behind a paywall. 💰
Now, some of these girlies are walking the "left hand path" a lot better than the others. I dont know many coaches beyond those talked about here, but I would say someone like MAL has a pretty firm grasp on who she is - a scam artist, a liar, and a user. She's always making up stories and whatnot - she's a pathological liar. She will do anything to get her way. This is pretty serious when you've been behaving this way for years and years. Her image is very rigid and polished, and despite showing up unprepared and offering word salad to her paying persons, her "outer circle" (social media feed etc) is much more curated than most of the other coaches I've seen. She's at the top of the pyramid so she has a huge amount of control and influence. If she cracks someday, we'll see it, and usually people struggle to return to the top once they falter. I'm sure she's already showing some signs of paranoia, which is the first sign a high control person is starting to become unhinged.
Then there are the messier girlies, like Carly, and Karen who has recently been more thoroughly exposed here. These ladies show up very vulnerable to social media, and often are struggling with illness - as someone has said here before, Carly's early coaching gigs were about health and dealing with chronic illness, until she realized that space wasn't sexy or profitable. I'm not saying this is the root of all illness, but transient illness can be a sign of a spiritual mismatch in intentions/action - especially with these people who claim to be "healers" or adjacent to that space. You have to walk your talk, or your body begins to show your hypocrisy. There is a part of these ladies who feel they are truly "helping the planet" and get confused internally when the reaction of their "offers" isn't for people to fall down at their feet worshipping them. This is why they say stuff like "wealth is a mindset!" and other magical thinking - most of them have lived privileged lives and have never been "out" of abundance. They think their "luck" is a carefully curated vibration that they can rub off on others. And like, while I believe that being in the vibrations of someone who is more spiritually mature can help "elevate" someone - these people are playing with spiritual practices and, while seeing some results, truly have no clue what they are talking about and dealing with. People who truly understand manifestation, whether left or right hand, are not busting their ass all day on Instagram trying to recruit lukewarm clients for peanuts. Carly tries SO HARD to sell that all of her work is "easy" and she can "take a walk in the middle of the day!" and not work while she's bleeding and whatnot. But girl, you're hustling and thirsty all over Insta all day every day - this is not abundance, this is not wealth and gratitude, it's giving "big empty black hole in my soul that will never be filled except with more money" energy, babe.
Then there are the girlies like xogingy and The Content Queen whose whole brand seems to be just being a mess all over the place. This sells because it makes people think "well I'm messy maybe I can be messy and rich/successful" but the mess for these girls is much more embraced and embodied than with the prim types like Carly and Karen, who want to be pure luxe and sexy and divine feminine perfection. But the luxe and sexy types are really doing the recruiting for their sexual in-person retreats (or clothing optional zooms) because they're just mega horny all the time (which - btw - is another sign of spiritual imbalance)
And that's the thing - being horny all of the time means your energy body is JACKED. It's not a sign of a free flow of creative energy to crave sex all of the time. Of course a major aspect of this is the sexual magic - yes, there is magic in sex, and I think it's where these folks get most of their magic, because they follow left hand sexual magic practice exclusively (control BDSM). They do play rapes (and borderline real rapes and, in some cases, actual real rapes on their clients/partners), orgasm denial, humiliation, pain rituals - all stuff that truly, objectively, isn't good for the soul. And notice how it's almost always one sided - the male being in total control of the female - though, Carly's substack did have a story about how they did a "role reversal" where she raped/humiliated him and that was um, something I read. 😳 But generally it's the women's job to always be turned on and "dripping wet" and whatnot, so that when her masculine partner gets a boner she's ready for him to slide it in. And then that's always the best sex, the sex that you "surrender" to.... On the contrary, sex between "right hand" practitioners tends to leave both partners feeling quite satisfied and sated - heck, even if only one happens to orgasm! Whereas control oriented sex often has orgasm denial which intentionally leaves the person craving more.
All this is to say, no one should feel guilty for being duped, or conned, or confused, even still. Almost all of these people have weaponized spiritual concepts in some ways and are wielding them with the intention to separate you from your money. They actually do have something that works. But they will NEVER sell you the whole story. And the fact is, this experience likely did happen to you because your soul was aching for some sort of uplevel - or initiation. It's just that initiation rarely looks like getting what we want. MAL et al makes it look like initiation is giving a rich lady 5 figures, popping a bottle of champagne, and roleplaying as that rich lady to which you just gave all that money (or at least, roleplaying as her social media feed). But if you're truly in it for the soul, your experience is going to help you uncover your soul. And part of uncovering our souls at this point in time seems to be having some serious spiritual trauma. And I know some people here probably only did this as "playing around" and not serious and unfortunately, playing with spirituality can be can be dangerous in and of itself. These is not to victim blame at all. It just is the nature of the spiritual path that it may growl and bite at you to test your growth. It's not just a sexy pleasure party 24/7, unless you want to step on a LOT of people to get there.
Anyway, this is very long and I'm not sure it's going to even fit into a reddit post at this point. But I just wanted to share some of the spiritual insights I've had over the years (been on my spiritual journey for over a decade at this point). I don't know it all, but I do know that I live with a general peace of mind that I wish I could sell in a coaching package or voxer group. But I can't/won't do that. So I'll keep to my lifelong duty of making longwinded, mega autistic posts on internet forums that might help a few people orient to a less painful or confused frame of mind, free of charge.
But on that note, before I finish, I'll offer my general spiritual advice: Firstly, take a short time every day to do some sort of sitting/meditation. Learning how to quiet the mind is a skill, and it's the first skill required to learn discernment. Once we can quiet the mind, we can start to learn which thoughts are our own and which thoughts we have absorbed from others - and if you haven't begun this process yet, you may be surprised to find out that the vast majority of your thoughts are actually just society, family, teachers, social media, advertising, etc etc, repeating in your mind and taking up valuable real estate. This is the real hurdle to "manifestation" - clearing away all the false desires that get in the way of our true desires. Subsequently, learning about chakras and tuning into my energy body has also given me a good base for insight and clarity that comes from within my own body.
Secondly, just try to think of others before yourself more often than not. Don't justify manipulating people for your own benefit. Oneness means you treat others how you want to be treated - in a gentle, and nurturing way. When we harm others, especially from a spiritual place, we perpetuate harm, and therefore accept that potential harmful treatment of ourselves. Treating others sincerely with reverence and respect, and setting boundaries so that we don't allow people to treat us with disrespect, is how we generate a reality that treats us with reverence and respect by default. A lot easier said than done, but it is possible.
Love and light to you all.

Its a long post so for anyone that will read it or reply thank you so much :)
All my issues started 2 years ago, there was alot of stress and I think that triggered my pelvic pain. I didnt know what was going on with me why did I experiance pain in my PF and penis so I was really lost.
The pain went totally away after ive calmed down after 1.5 months but it was brutal. Then I got sick and had some kidney issues and I got floxed with cipro. I had severe anxiety and panic attacks because of the pills. My body felt weak, my chest felt compressed and it felt hard to breathe. Amogst these symptoms I had many more.
I discovered soon that this was caused by cipro and found subreddit where people helped me. One of the things that really scared me about being floxed is that any stress on the body is not good while recovering... and tendopathy that alot of floxies talked about.
So that caused me a fear of moving. I wanned to get better as soon as I can cause side effect frightened me alot so I was resting alot and just going for short walks... and I think thats where my core weakness started to kick in.
That was going on for few months until I started to get better and I thank God that I did. I had few flares but that way it.
My pelvic pain wasnt gone tho so I wanned to understand what is going on with me but this lead me to alot of stuff (prostatitis, pelvic floor dysfunction, PN...).
So I did alot of reading and after a yeaf of ups and downs I realized I have tight pelvic floor. Ive read what to do but there was too much information with too much different opinions. Some people said engaging core is bad and should be avoided because it strains PF muscles. Some say strenghtening causes flares and that relaxing and stretching should work. So me being stuck in this and wanned to get better have stoped using my abs... and that made weaknes even worse.
I then found pelvic floor PT in another country since we dont have any here and went there. They gave me some exercises and told me to eleminate my stress as much as possible.
And I had 3 days without any symptoms. Then they came back but they were very mild I bearly noticed them. Eventually they almost fully went away for like 2 months until I had some back pain. Then they came back again. But that was again very mild and went almost fully away again for 2-3 months.
Then 6 months ago my back pain started suddenly and MRI showed inflamed facet joints. My pelvic pain came back but not that bad. I visited PT for back muscles and they told my my core is really weak. So they had me do some core exercises and after about 5 visits it somehow helped my pelvic pain quite alot I would say.
I had in total 10 visits, would go for more if I could afford but sadly cant.
My pain was mild and also gone for few days in between for 2 months again until recently. I had some stomach issues and I had diarrhea. And I think this could be causing my current flare.
My symptoms:
mainly just irritaton feeling, tight feeling and some pain. Its not constant I have better days and worse days. Sometimes pain just comes for no reason ? Sometimes i bearly feel anything or even nothing.
I have no other symptoms besides that.
Trough out the day the pain is not constant. Stress definetly makes it worse. And walking helps tons and also some stretching.
In those 2 years in total I had 1 month of pain free at the begining. I had around 7 months of almost 0 pain, most of the time I was totally okay but had few moments where I would feel it just a tiny bit again. Ive had few days or weeks without pain aswell but I dont really remember exactly.
Im VERY anxious person and I stress about my pelvic pain alot... always thinking everything does damage to me like certian moves, some straininh, laughing, core strenghtening exercises... and I just keep on searching for the cure. What am I doing wrong, is this even fixable
My questions:
-What should I do to get better, can I fix this?
-Should I stretch?
-Should I strenghten ? What exercises are safe for back ?
-Why does core strenghtening exercises cause flare ? (Glute bridges, bird dog...)
-Why Is pain sometimes on left side and sometimes on right ?
I just wanna be pain free im only 25 I should be enjoying life and working and im just stuck in this cycle.
My biggest fear thats in my head everyday is that this is forever thing and it makes me so damn sad...
Is this curable after 2 years ?
If you came this far I honestly wish you fast recovery and thank you for reading ❤️

https://ibb.co/mXc6Pyw
My daughter, 15F, started feeling ill Apr 28. It started with fever, body ache, and congestion/sinus pain and cough and ear ache, and deep fatigue. We treated with advil/tylenol, figuring it was just a normal cold. It was getting worse and throat was very inflamed (though not sore, apparently) with those white spots so started clarithromycin May 5 (allergic to amoxicillin). Did a course of 7 days, twice daily. May 6 we started doing peridex rinse 2x day, and saltwater baking soda rinse every 2 hours. A couple days into this routine, her throat started hurting badly but the fever and other symptoms started getting better. But throat has been steadily getting worse, along with pain in the back of the head and neck, and still a bit of a cough. The doctor prescribed another course of clarithromycin since the throat is still inflamed with white spots (picture in link is current). We are on day 3 of the second course of clarithromycin. We have had a swab come back negative for strep and a mono blood test also come back negative. The pain in throat, back of the head and neck seems to be getting worse, worst in the mornings upon waking. The tylenol and advil do help the pain.
If it's not strep or mono, what else could this be?
(Taking vit D 5000iu/day due to deficiency, and iron supplement as well, normal dose)

Context:The Ushmengar are a Chaos warband dedicated to Vashtorr. They were initially part of the Astral Claws, but when Huron was defeated during the Badab War, they decided to forge their own path instead of following him to the Maelstrom. These Space Marines in particular were some of the first Astral Claws that the Executioners slaughtered during the Badab War, and the Warband was formed by the survivors of their rampage.
In this short story, the Executioners, having just finished a Penitent Crusade, were hunting for the Ushmengar. They had managed to pinpoint them to a Mechanicum forgeworld, and the Death Speaker of the chapter, an Astartes named Razel, a Librarian named Igikura, and a group of Bladeguard descended onto the planet. When they found the Chaos lord of the Ushmengar, named Kagal, this is what happened

The Chaos Space Marine cocked its head to one side, eyes boring into Razel’s. When the Death Speaker was within reach, it nodded and spread its arms wide. The Executioner swung his crozius. The fractal form of the Heretic Astartes shivered as Sharur connected with it. There was the roar of a vast furnace underscored by the shriek of overtaxed bellows, the clanking of gears and the hammering of pistons, and the Ushmengar vanished like smoke blown in the wind, leaving only a chorus of trailing screams.

After this, Razel and his men continued to go deeper into the Manufactorium and ended up fighting a bunch of other Ushmengar

The Death Speaker swung his crozius, but the Chaos Space Marine dodged the attack. The strike went wide, cracking the side of the furnace. Razel punched out with his pistol and sent his opponent’s bolter flying off. Undeterred, the Ushmengar ripped off a piston hammer from a slain ogryn and arrested Razel’s downward swing. Muscles strained, his sinew coils contracted and he drove the Heretic Astartes onto one knee. The Ushmengar’s composure broke and he roared at the Death Speaker. With a burst of vigour he regained his footing and shook Razel off. Burst fire from the Executioner’s pistol stitched an arc across his helmet, which cracked, exposing his metallic face beneath. The delineation between the organic and inorganic had become blurred to the extent that they had become one and the same. Oil bled from ruined armour and unclean flesh-metal.
A storm had broken out at the end of the hall. Lightning flashed, lancing out from furnace to furnace as a rain of brimstone fell. An unholy radiance pulsed in the penumbral gloom, accompanied by the skirling of bronze horns lining the altar. The light rose out of the chancel of the command fane and drifted towards the Death Speaker and the Epistolary, who had advanced ahead to the binary-etched plaza. Within the pulsing storm was Kalag.
Molten metal was siphoned off the blast furnaces, forming fiery wheels into an armillary sphere spinning around the floating Ushmengar. The skitarii shrieked in binharic as they were lifted from the raised walkways, torn towards the eye of the churning storm. They were disassembled, their flesh withering into ash whilst their bionics melded into the spinning rings upon which bleeding eyes had formed. As Kalag moved towards Razel and Igikura, a forge-vault vast beyond imagining spread out behind him, the hellish vision overlapping the reality of the manufactorum. There was the roar of colossal furnaces, the heave and gasp of monumental bellows, and the clang of countless hammers, thudding pistons and clanking gears, underpinned by the screaming of tortured souls fuelling the forges.
Whereas Kalag’s form had been ephemeral before, a charcoal sketch jumping in and out of focus, now it was wholly corporeal. His armour was burned black, running with unclean oils and unguents. Mechadendrites writhed from between the plates like fungal growths, straining for some dire unity with the emergent daemonic mechanism. Around him were the rings of the armillary sphere, which were both armour and a mechanism to unravel reality, spinning faster until they were a blur as the warpsmith approached them
Up ahead, Igikura stood alone, defiant. The crystalline matrix of his axe blazed, focusing his power before it lanced upwards into Kalag. For a moment, the spinning rings slowed and fire raged down upon the Epistolary, enveloping the Executioner. The apotropaic sigils upon his armour shone migraine-bright as they earthed the worst effects of the warpsmith’s attack. The Librarian’s mind was in the throes of a fever dream, the backwash of the Ushmengar’s barrage bruising his soul.
Sensing his brother’s agony, Razel rose and swung, striking again. A resonant peal shivered through the armillary sphere to no discernible effect.
Kalag, whose attention had been thoroughly upon Igikura, glanced at him, his quasar-like gaze boring into Razel’s own. A high-pitched screech preceded the obliteration of Razel’s helm display. His armour felt heavier. The fibre-bundle muscles tensed and servos halted, keeping him upright. Straining, he raised his hands and took off his helmet. When he beheld the ashes of penitence streaking down Razel’s defiant face, the warpsmith sneered. ‘Lapdog of the False Emperor.’ His voice thundered like the hammer of a god striking an anvil
Razel bared his teeth in response, glistening with blood. ‘You were supposed to die at Badab.’ ‘Oh but you see, I did die. We were marooned in the immaterium after our warp drives failed. Bereft, betrayed by a rotting Imperium and an unkind god bedecked in fool’s gold. Where was Lufgt Huron then? His promises and his lies? We no longer need him, nor your carrion god. We have a new divinity to serve!’ Kalag turned towards the growing portal behind him, his arms encompassing the hellish scene and the towering daemonic figure with scythe-like wings who was looking down at the Executioners with an amused interest. ‘Behold the Arkifane! Our salvation! We will deliver this forge-temple of Mars to him!’
"Brother…" Igikura’s voice was straining with titanic effort. "I will not make it to the end." The Death Speaker growled. The Librarian forestalled him. "Spare me your protestations. I will distract him and hold the rings, but I am not strong enough to make the final blow. That falls to you. May your own Penitent Crusade be over after this."
Igikura’s mind soared in the warp like the rising sun. He burned with immaterial energies. Coruscating lightning cascaded down his limbs and flared off him in streamer arcs, with a branching spark earthing itself in the Death Speaker’s crozius. One last parting gift from brother to brother.
Razel wasted no time. With the warpsmith’s attention upon the Epistolary, his armour was free. He trudged forward, pausing only to pick up Igikura’s axe whilst hefting his crozius. Breaking into a run, he leapt upon one of the stilled rings. Razel hurled the force axe. It spun, blazing, still saturated with Igikura’s psychic might and sacrifice. The blade wedged fast into Kalag’s breastplate, tendrils of darkness slithering out of the wound. A few moments later, Razel was upon him with Sharur, imbued with a shred of the Epistolary’s empyric strength. The warpsmith raged, blocking the Death Speaker’s strike with a cog-toothed, daemonic axe. Mechadendrites speared through Razel’s armour, biting deep into his flesh. Gurgling blood, the Executioner drew the mace back and slammed it forwards, again and again, shattering his foe’s armour in a frenzy until his corrupt essence could no longer be contained. The unravelling of Kalag was like that of a collapsing star. The death throes screamed out from his unwinding body, black flame rising between the plates, his flesh unmade into ash.

For me it’s Phillipa Soo. I’ve never seen her play the part live so I’m basing this on the Disney plus version. In the first act especially, she looks bored, like she’s phoning in it. She is a bit more emotive in the second act but still not great IMO. In burn she looks mildly annoyed, not like someone who’s been publicly humiliated and betrayed, as a socialite for whom public perception meant so much. Her voice is heavenly, but her facial expression and body language seem flat and uninspired. She seems totally out of her depth next to Renee, Lin, Leslie, etc. This is NOT a shit post, I truly feel this way. I thought she was great until I got to visually see her in the role. Phillipa fans can certainly tear me apart, or if anyone has a different weak link in mind, that would be interesting too.

For some backstory, I was having lower abdominal pain a couple of months ago where my appendix used to be (I had it removed in 2018). Due to the severity of the pain, my doctor sent me to the ER to make sure it wasn't stump appendicitis. Thankfully, it wasn't, and my CT scan and bloodwork came back normal. Though the pain subsided after a few days, I made an appointment to see a GI, but I couldn't get in earlier than three months out. A few weeks later, the pain came back even worse, and my primary doctor once again sent me to the ER.
During those few weeks, I had really been feeling under the weather (low-grade fever, headaches, and whatnot), but all my bloodwork still came back normal. Only this time, my CT scan results said: "The liver is prominent in size with Riedel's lobe measuring up to 19 cm in craniocaudal dimension. No focal hepatic lesions are identified. The portaland hepatic veins are patent. The gallbladder is mildly distended and unremarkable. No biliary ductal dilatation."
My primary care doctor ordered for me to have an ultrasound before my GI appointment, and I just had it done a week ago. It was performed in the morning, and I was instructed prior to the exam simply not to eat or drink anything after midnight. The results came back, and it says, "There is mild diffuse increased echogenicity of the liver, typical of fatty infiltration."
My primary doctor expressed his surprise, because I'm:
33 yrs old
Female
5''5 and 99 lbs (I lost over 6 lbs after my abdominal pains started due to a change in diet to see if the pain was simply from the foods I was eating. It wasn't.)
I don't drink alcohol.
I don't consume coffee, energy drinks, sports drinks, and I only drink one can of soda per day.
I don't eat fast food.
I don't eat greasy or oil-heavy foods.
I don't take any medications.

Cholesterol: 165

Triglycerides: 38

Bilirubin: 0.9

ALP: 53
AST: 14
ALT: 18

Albumin: 4.1

And since the abdominal pain started, my doctor suggested I cut out anything calorie-heavy or sugary altogether, which led to my weight loss. I'm already thin, and it's hard for me to keep weight on unless I eat a lot more than my usual consumption. I dropped six pounds in a very short period of time. Because I needed to put the weight back on, I started consuming foods that are still healthy but higher in fat content. Over a three week period, I managed to put the weight back on by consuming a lot of things like peanut butter and scrambled eggs.
When I scheduled the ultrasound appointment over the phone, the only restriction I was given was to not eat or drink anything after midnight (since the exam was first thing in the morning). My primary doctor, however, told me after the results of the ultrasound came back that I probably should have eaten a low-fat diet the day before the exam because it could affect the outcome.
My dinner the evening before the ultrasound was a salad with balsamic vinaigrette, a bread roll, 3 tablespoons of peanut butter, and 4 scrambled eggs made with butter. Could consuming things with a higher fat content like peanut butter and eggs 12 hours before the ultrasound cause the increased echogenicity seen during the exam? And could the recent change in my diet to eat more fatty foods cause the enlarged liver that I didn't have weeks prior?

Please remove if this is not something I can post here.
Looking for some pointers and to share my experience.
Providing a trigger warning here as I get descriptive.
Short back story - total CK high since March 2023 (symptomatic) hasn't returned to normal. Started after becoming unwell with a virus of some sort (Never had C-19). Weak positive p-anca. EMG mild findings. Don't know if any of this is relevant, but those are the investigations my doctors have requested.
I had an open muscle biopsy left deltoid under local anaesthesia yesterday.
I was told I was having general anaesthesia which I was happy to go ahead with. I then was made to have local anaesthesia at the end of the day and I am so traumatised by my experiences and I do not know what to do.
The local anaesthetic did not work I felt everything. I understood that I should have felt pulling pressure or tugging but I felt pain, I felt every cut, sutre and the thread being pulled through each incision. The surgeon was struggling and communicating that the instruments were too blunt. My face was covered with something that should have been a curtain but quickly became a face covering. My face and my chest were lent on with instruments and the hands of the people around me.
I felt I wasn't listened to. I cried aloud and the promises of more anaesthetic were an empty ruse to continue the procedure. Every time the needle went into my skin I was gaslit and told it was the thread pulling. There was a clear sensory difference between every action and I was told it was something else with every wince I made. The pulling and snapping of the contents of my arm constantly relays in my mind.
I was made to feel like I was overreacting, whilst being told I am doing well which was patronising.
My cries fell on ears that did not care and I cannot stop thinking about it. It was barbaric!
I am sitting here in my bed in pain trying to understand why this happened, trying to distract myself with research. I've even gone as far as to audibly document my experience as I need to do something so that this never happens to me again.
What can someone do once they've experienced local anaesthesia resistance? Was it an issue with technique? Have any of you experienced this before? How would you communicate such experiences? How do I make sure this never happens again?
Your thoughts, expertise and experiences are welcome. Thanks for reading.

did you have any complications?
if so, what were they? have they been resolved or is it ongoing?
i (26F) am at a fork in the road currently and though i know i will need TJR at some point in my life, im not sure if i should put it off as long as i can. i’m doing conservative treatments to manage my pain, but my bite and profile continues to change, airway getting smaller, posture getting worse, etc. i can open my mouth 42mm and have mild-moderate pain in joint. most of my pain is in muscles (face, neck, headaches/migraines).
ETA: i have osteoarthritis in both TMJs (dx’ed at 20 years old), disc displacement w/o reduction on left and with some reduction on right
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Just another fun little story idea I had. I am still working on Humans are the violent ones but I like to bounce around and experiment with ideas to see what I really like. I also suck at writing more casual stories, as they give me severe writer's block as I try to map out how to make a scene feel genuine in my head, but I promise I'll update that soon. If you like this story and want to see more, then like and comment. I'll gladly continue this series as well.
Start of Personal Log
Humans don't like being told what to do. They don't like being commanded, put in their place, or snubbed. It was an inexorable, inalienable trait of humans, at least any noteable humans, to go against any authority that they believed was against their interests.
Humanity would not fit amongst the stars. Few ever did. It was a trait of most successful species to be willful, ambitious, and to desire more. But once they reached the stars the new (and simultaneously very old) pecking order either quashed any spirit such species had or simply eradicated them. Countless tomb worlds and diaspora served as painful reminders of what became of the nails that chose to stick out. The hammer of order would always strike. There could be no compromise, the very soul of the authority that held the Jurisdiction together relied on a show of unmatched power, or at least the illusion of item.
In reality, the Jurisdiction was an old, fat, and lazy beast. It filled its belly on the corpses of empires far and wide, and sated its bloodlust on the shattered dreams of hopeful cubs. It had every right to, for none could challenge it: there were no new frontiers to explore, nor were there any other enemies to conquer. The Milky Way, as humans had so strangely dubbed our cradle galaxy, as well as Andromeda, had long since been warred over and settled for millennia before humanity had arrived, bright-eyed and with familiar yet otherwise foolish dreams of cooperation and prosperity. The Jurisdiction did not cooperate, nor did it ensure prosperity. Oh, it claimed it did, but in reality it simply took. The rest was just the peace that came with not being the direct target of the biggest fish in the pond. The humans didn't like that, but they had no choice.
Slavery was a common tribute. The Jurisdiction had no use for other resources: it simply took. No, it wanted those who could facilitate that unequal exchange, those raised in a world where the only morality was the one set by your lord. The Jurisdiction was held together by expectations, obligations, and dury more than any kind of shared dream, so when you were ordered to take you did so without question. Humanity was new: they had no niche or value that set them apart, but they had a penchant for killing and taking, so the Jurisdiction gave them a taste of how the galaxy worked. They killed and they took. The humans didn't like that, but what choice did they have?
Humans were strange. They learned, but not in the way most species learned. Most species learned to adapt in a passive way, to adhere to the world around them. They flowed like water, moving past and around obstacles and confirming to the boxes they were assigned too. Humans didn't confirm, nor did they adapt: they made their circumstances fit their desires. They would not move around obstacles, but rather smash through them, and they refused to stay in one box for too long. The Jurisdiction merely saw them as a particularly loud nuisance, but those who faced their wrath knew better.
It is said that when a beast seeks to make an example, it shall humble its rival by killing it's cubs. Children were one of those universal constants that brought entire communities together: the Sok’klar saw their hatchlings as gifts, shaped by the fruitful currents of the universe in perfect harmony. The Yarrack saw each and every newborn whelp as an uncut gemstone, ready to be shaped into something magical. Humanity oftentimes referred to their offspring as angels, or spirits of unbridled good sent by the gods themselves. Children were seen by most of the galaxy as gifts.
The Jurisdiction saw them as a lever to inflict suffering. It had become quite effective at enacting psychological punishments on those that stood up and spoke out. You dare to disobey? You believe you can speak out? Your gifts shall be taken from you, and you shall be without joy.
Humans didn't like this, but the Jurisdiction would have their pound of flesh, and humankind would kneel. And they did. But humans were patient creatures: most species who retained that trait of willful spit also lacked patience.
I had long since become desensitized to the Jurisdiction’s actions: it was simply how the universe worked now, as if it were a constant akin to gravity. Cruelty was the unspoken rule of this seemingly unending age, where our lives never appeared to move forward or backwards, only lay dormant. The Jurisdiction had been the unyielding authority that ruled the galaxy for thousands of years, venerable yet feared all the same.
And for the longest time I was just another cog in its wheel. My name is Kalnuracht Sedjuur-Noumar VII, and was the scion of the noble house Sedjuur-Noumar. I was born into what most would describe as veiled apathy, living a life that could be attributed to the privileged class of feared scribes that enacted the will of those above. I was an administrator and nothing more. And now I am doomed to be far less than that in the eyes of my former constituents within the endless administration. I am the only scion, as is tradition, and without an heir I am the last of my house, our name to be scrubbed from the records, worthless, meaningless, and forgotten.
I am merely Kalnuracht, nothing else and nothing more. I have seen from their eyes, the eyes of the downtrodden, and it makes my crimes of association with the Jurisdiction feel all the more damning on my worthless soul. I am worthless to the world, and this is my story.
End Personal Log #1
Start of Neural Lace Narrative Log #1
They came from the black like carrion birds in the night, encircling our convoy as if it were a dying animal ready to be picked clean without remorse. There was no warning, no list of demands sent out as civilized peoples did, nor was there either any requirement for unconditional surrender nor chance to parlay, as was done so under letter of marque: this was an unmistakable call for violence and nothing else. They sought to reduce us to slag and scavenge the rest.
So, as one would expect, the entire bridge of the ship was nearing a panicked state. This was not the actions of those practicing civility, but rather the common behaviors of despoiling barbarians, the kind that tore their way through the dark reaches of the galaxy as if they owned it.
“Wayfinder, what do your probes see?” Shouted the ship’s sovereign. He was an older Kar’Rowmach, an amphibious cephalopod species with a venerable history within the Jurisdiction going back thousands of years. Normally one such as him would be above me if it weren't for the fact that I was under the authority of the Jurisdiction’s seal of office. He didn't like me very much, but most of his kind shared the same sentiment.
“All dark, honorable Sovereign: the sensor arrays are wailing but the feedback we're reviewing is beyond incomprehensible,” the wayfinder replied with a certain restrained temper in his voice. The Sok'klar wayfinder swayed gently, his tentacled limbs grasping different metallo-liquid braille output arrays, the liquid gallium flexing and reshaping unnaturally to allow him to to take in multiple different sources of sensory output at once, with the primary navigation computer plugged into the cybernetics surrounding his opaque, gelatinous head and plugging directly into his tube-shaped brain.
The Sovereign cursed in Loskat and pointed to his bridge crew while I simply sat in the back, near the Sovereign’s symbolic throne. “Prepare countermeasures and spool up the warp drive, we cannot allow the amanuensis to be taken! He carries sensitive information that only he can translate and transcribe!”
As the bridge crew nodded and began fiddling with their own systems, I preened my feathered hide anxiously. I wasn't a fighter: us nobles of the cloth were the educated minority above all else, not those who waged war or partook in hard labor. Special cybernetics in my brain allowed me to translate triple-encoded messages that usually took a ducal signet codekey or above to parse, but even without that I was a skilled mathematician and logician. I had terabytes worth of knowledge stored within the hardware installed in my head, all well protected of course, but if I were to die it would still be a waste. I could only imagine the damage any malcontenders could do with it if they were able to get their filthy hands on me.
Suddenly, the ship rocked, and the gallium overhead display began to form crescendos like I'd never seen before. “Sovereign, decks A-3 through C-12 are venting atmosphere and our coolant systems have been obliterated,” the Wayfinder spoke in an almost serene voice, as if he was completely unconcerned by current events. I knew they were simply incapable of tonal displays, but it was unnerving nonetheless. “Once we jump, we will not be able to risk another until the vacuum of the void can reduce temperatures to acceptable levels within the plasma capacitors.”
“Damn them,” the armored nautiloid hissed, his barbed feelers coiling in frustration, “May the currents take them. What are our options? what can we see? This fleet cannot fall to the void today, not with such vital cargo.” My hackles rose lightly at the Kar’Rowmach referred to me as some object rather than an esteemed amanuensis of the Jurisdiction, but I bit my forked tongue. Now was not the time to squabble with the sovereign over who was what and what titles I deserved, not while he was so desperately attempting to keep what semblance of order within his fleet that he had left.
I could not blame the crew for being panicked either: wars were practically mythologized now, having been long since rendered obsolete with the rise of the Jurisdiction, and that felt like an eternity ago. Now, either being levied into or joining a ducal naval force was simply another career, more akin to serving as an officer of the law rather than a fully fledged soldier. Minimal training was required, most of it being the technicals of one's duty rather than any kind of combat conditioning, so expecting a fleet to actually be prepared for a combat scenario in a universe where peace was the norm was laughable.
“We are practically blind, Sovereign,” stated the Sok'klar Wayfinder, “our probes are offline, and shipboard graviton displacement sensory arrays have been rendered unreliable at best.”
“What about the particle emission array? Has there been a spike in radioactivity where we were hit?”
The Wayfinder seemed to think for a second, his gelatinous form flexing and morphing a bit before answering. “Affirmative, a jump from negligible to forty billion becquerels along decks A through E-5 on our starboard side.”
“Torpedoes…” the Sovereign hissed, stroking his barbed feelers, “Human Torpedoes. Only those primitives would rely on crude nuclear warheads.” He then turned to his militant leaders on the ship. “Noddos, Rel’ads: organize your phalanxes and prepare to repel boarders. We are bound to be assailed by those rancorous primates, and I want their skulls piled at my feet if they dare set foot on our ship.”
“Your wish is our command, Sovereign,” the two militant commanders spoke as one. Noddos, a large bipedal with multiple sets of curved spines running down his back, a pair of graceful horns sprouting from his head, and multiple rows of sharp teeth in his snout, bowed first, followed by Rel’ads, a marsupial with long saberteeth and thick fur. They both must have been fierce warriors in their own right to each lead a phalanx. They wore thick, semi-powered armor and held dueling polearms alongside their usual plasma casters, and seemed completely unfazed by the situation we were in. As they stomped out of the brightly lit bridge, I let out a quiet squawk of discontentment. “Sovereign, why haven't we jumped again? We are wasting precious time.”
“I am working on it, you spineless beaurocrat!” He warbled back, his feelers tensing in anger, “besides, it's not as if you're the one who will be spilling blood today, amanuensis, so flatten your wretched beak or I shall weld it shut with a plasma torch.
I was about to reply with something indignant, but the ship rocked again, this time causing the lights to flicker and the air to become… thick. The skin under my feathers began to blister, and I became lightheaded and confused. “Seal the damnable vents, initiate radiation scrubbers, and activate secondary life support!” Shouted the Sovereign, “Their nuclear weapons are rendering the ship inhospitable!”
I coughed up magenta blood accidentally, and I could feel more seeping from under my eyes. Some of the crew was in a similar position, but others were more resistant to radiation than I. The Sok'klar seemed completely at ease as he ran his tentacles across his morphic braille arrays before calmly announcing the ship’s status. “I've regained some control over our probes: ten, twelve, and seventeen are active and fully functional, the rest are either still malfunctioning or permanently inoperable. A rapid rise in localized radiation is also interfering with the detection of graviton displacement; we can't sense photon redirection, thus readings will remain inconclusive.
“Wayfinder, damn you, get me some kind of out here! We're easy prey until we can respond in kind!”
“Negative, something has gone awry with our processing hub, I am attempting to troubleshoot-”
And with that, the Wayfinder’s bulbous head exploded in a cascade of opaque lavender blood, covering the front half of the deck crew like a morbid art piece. Some of the crew screamed and shouted in terror before removing their cranial adaptors and choosing to interact with their displays manually. Others died just as quickly, unable to unplug in time as their brain stems fried or their blood boiled. It was a horrible way to go, having your insides neutralized by your own cybernetics, so I was glad I wasn't connected to the system.
“Cybernetic warfare! All systems are to be considered compromised, switch to manual settings or you'll be killed!”
The lights in the bridge flickered again, and the displays went haywire. The bridge crew, which obviously weren't acquainted with working without being hard-linked into the mainframe, moved at a much slower pace.
“Launch missile pods A through F and set to self-target after five hundred kilometers, then rely on their ballistic coordinates to begin firing broadsides! If we can't see the humans due to their meddling, we'll just have to feel them.” Shouted the Sovereign, “and got me a detailed report on the ship’s diagnostics readings. I need to know if this flagship is still capable of escaping or if we'll have to scuttle it and retreat on another.”
“Acknowledged, Sovereign, launching now,” affirmed another deck officer as he swiped across his own gallium output array. I could hear the dull thunk, thunk, thunk of missiles pushing out of their pods before racing off to their intended targets, then the mechanical whirring as the pods rotated to be reloaded by slaves in the lower decks. I was regaining my bearings as the many horrible sensations of being overwhelmed by radiation poisoning were beginning to subside, but I still felt as if I had been microwaved. The air was stale, the crew was horribly sick as well, and even the sovereign himself seemed to be on his last leg. I was beginning to believe that I might die here.
“Sovereign, a message from the lower decks,” shouted a communications officer, his chitin scraping against itself as he turned quickly, “they're requesting reinforcements, something about being overrun.”
“Impossible,” the Sovereign hissed out in a vain attempt to exude confidence, “We must outnumber the humans, they always go for bigger targets out of arrogance.”
“I've received reports that it's not just humans: the primates seem to make up only a third or so of the assailing force, along with some Phaeldaer and Vrex.”
The commander slammed his clawed hands down on his own output array in a fit of rage, obviously overwhelmed by the circumstances, “Then this wasn't just a typical assault, but something more sinister!” The nautiloid warbled, blood seeping from his shell as the full effects of the radiation took hold, “Get Rel’ads on the line, have him divert all spare lances to the lower decks or else we'll lose the only offensive capabilities we can use.”
“Rel'ads has gone dark, Sovereign, his vitals are critical.”
“Then either get me Rel'ads tail-leader or get me Noddos!” He screamed in rage, “don't give me this nonsense! If we don't pick it up we're all going to die, is that what you want?”
“No, Sovereign, I'm simply overwhelmed-”
“We're all overwhelmed! By the tides, I'm dying of radiation poisoning you nincompoop! Get me something I can work with!”
The officer didn't even acknowledge the Sovereign after that, simply turning back to his display. Eventually, the Sovereign was able to get Noddos on the line.
“Sovereign, two thirds of my phalanxes have been decimated by combat with the primitives and the radiation, the rest are in shambles. We must retreat and fortify elsewhere!”
“Then the ship is compromised! Rel'ads is unresponsive and the lower decks are swarming with intruders. We must evacuate the amanuensis to another ship.”
Just as the Sovereign spoke, I heard several gentle thumps rattle against the bridge’s door, and it made me uneasy. Some of the bridge crew seemed to feel the same, as they looked incredibly nervous and some even drew their sidearms. Just as the sovereign turned to give further orders, the door blew inward with a deafening explosion, followed by shouting and gunfire. Several of the bridge officers were dispatched quickly, brain matter and blood splattering against the delicate electronics. Others were shot in the legs, the torso, or in any other exotic yet non-vital body parts. The humans poured in, brandishing primitive ballistic firearms and jury-rigged energy weapons while wearing scavenged, legion-grade powered armor.
The Sovereign was the next to go, but he wasn't afforded an honorable death. He was shot along the arm with a particularly potent plasma caster, burning off his clawed hand and cauterizing the wound, the acrid smell of roasting chitin filling the already hot and cramped bridge. He fell back against his output array, the gallium reaching new highs and lows as more diagnostics and casualty reports were delivered, and he clutched his stump angrily. “I'll burn every last one of you in the foundries! I'll tie you to stakes, cover you in wax and set you alight! Your screams will be broadcasted all over the galaxy!”
One human warrior stomped up and slammed the butt of his rifle into the sovereign’s face, shattering his facial plates and causing blue blood to splatter across his section of the bridge. “Shut the fuck up, you mutant lobster,” the human said before dragging him by both antennae towards the center of the bridge and receiving a stained breeching axe from one of his comrades. “Emmanuel, start recording. We need proof.”
The other human nodded and pressed a button on his armor before lifting up his gun again. The rest of the humans fanned out, holding everyone else at gunpoint. I tried to get up and sneak out, but a human grabbed me by my neck and nearly wrung it out as he forced me to my knees and pointed a sidearm to my skull. “Get down, you piece of shit, before I blow your brains out too.”
“Damnable primate,” I hissed, but he bashed me in my skull with the base of his sidearm’s grip and sent me sprawling, making my already pounding headache worse. Another human shouted at him in a language I didn't recognize, but he sounded furious. The first brought me back up to my knees again, and I complies with a hiss and a groan, blood still leaking from my eyes and mouth and my world was spinning.
The Sovereign struggled, but he was weak from the radiation poisoning and he couldn't exactly resist on account of his lost arm. The human with the breaching ax kicked the Sovereign down and forced him to kneel before lifting up the breeching ax and splitting his chitinous head down the middle with one powerful swing, sending more blood and brains across the floor. “Execution confirmed, take his antennae just in case and we've got ourselves a bounty. Now all we need is that ugly cat’s teeth and the fat hedgehog-thing’s grimy spines and we'll be in business. Although, they do have skulls… we might as well just take their heads.”
The real horror of the situation dawned on me at that moment: they were going to kill us all, or maybe worse. They mentioned a bounty for the commanders, and multiple of the higher ranking ship officers were already dead, their brains splattered against the walls or their bodies torn apart by gunfire. I wasn't dead yet, but that didn't mean much since I wasn't an immediate threat.
“Alright, round them up and bring all the grunts to the hanger bay, then kill the rest,” the leader of the humans said in such a lackadaisical manner that his complete disregard for life almost made me sick… almost. I had seen worse from the Jurisdiction before, but usually that was from me delivering some kind of ordered judgment on a world that had sinned against order. I might have simply been the messenger, but I had seen many of the outcomes. “And make sure to collect whatever proof of bounties you can, we'll need to deliver them to the office to get cashed out. Don't let this be a repeat of last time where Juarez fucking forgot to take a few heads and it ended up cutting our profits in half, the fucking retard.”
Some of the humans chuckled at that as they dragged more of the senior officers away, out of the room and into the hall,where I heard gunshots. The rest of the bridge crew froze in place, different fear instincts kicking in. The remaining Sok'klar corralled together into what seemed to be a singular, semi-congealed mass as if to try and trick the humans into believing that they were much bigger and much more threatening than they actually were. The one Thei’chi on the bridge, an ensign who had clearly thought this would be a simple mission, bore her curved fangs at the humans and growled as they approached, her hackles completely vertical and her eyes dilated. They quickly muzzled and bound her before beating her over the head with a gun stock, sending her sprawling onto the ground. Many others simply cooperated, eyes wide and yet simultaneously empty, as if they couldn't quite process that the ship had been taken and the commanding officers were being executed as the rest were escorted to the hangar.
“Get the damn messenger down to the hanger as well, we need whatever data's in his ugly lizard head, then we can decide on what to do with him.”
I spat at him in spite, as if to try and seem brave, but it was clearly an empty gesture. “You won't get anything, primate! You couldn't possibly crack the encryption!”
The human holding me seemed to wind up for another swing, but the commanding officer simply held up his hand to stop my tormentor before strolling over to me. He knelt down and removed his helmet, revealing a beige-colored face covered in scars, wiry black hair cut down to the scalp, and multiple tattoos. “You're really fucking mouthy for a hostage,” he said before punching me across my beak faster than I could register. I heard a sharp crack as his fist connected, and my head spun again as the metallic taste of blood pooled into my mouth. “I'd advise you to shut up, but I'm sure you won't listen: you aristocratic types are so full of yourselves. Maybe I should have you flogged in the public square until your vocal chords give out once we rip those cybernetics from your head, huh? How's that sound?”
“It won't matter… it won't change anything… the Jurisdiction will hunt you down.”
“Maybe, but I doubt it will happen for some time: they really suck at doing anything that requires effort, even when they're mad enough. They just keep sending their rabid lapdogs to try and smoke us out, and they always end up full of holes,” the human officer said with a smirk, his yellowish-white teeth and green eyes sending shivers down my spine as he drew his knife. “They're just horrible at their job, you know? You've all gotten so lazy and incompetent after being able to just take what you want without resistance, and now that you've met people who are angry and crazy enough to fight back you act as if we're committing some grave injustice,” he placed the knife against my throat, the flat just underneath my now bent beak, “No, we just took a few pages out of your book, ‘cept we've got standards. No kids, for one…” he seemed to look off into the distance as his sneer deepened, “but it's more than that, we don't attack the defenseless in general and we still win against you all in fair fights.”
I went to say something else snarky, but he quickly grabbed my thin tongue with his fingers and yanked it out, blood from my mouth pulling to the floor as he held the blade of his knife against it. “No no, none of that. Say one more thing and I'll cut that rancid little tongue of yours out of your mouth and feed it to you,” he hissed at me, pressing the blade down just hard enough to draw blood. “Do you know what it's like to see a planet turn into a tomb?" he asked me, gritting his teeth, “Do you know what it's like to see everything you've ever known crumble to ash and glass, all the life and the green stripped away leaving nothing but bones? I do. I've seen it happen to countless worlds, and my grandfather always told me stories of how you bastards did it to Earth. He still prays in its direction five times a day, to Mecca, but he knows the Kaaba is gone now, or maybe it's still there, buried in the bones of those who sought refuge there.”
I didn't care for the human’s nonsensical beliefs, but I did care to correct him. “I've seen it before, and I'll see it again. And so will you, it's inevitable. The Jurisdiction will always have its judgment fulfilled, there is no alternative.”
“One day, I hope we can rectify that,” he said, then he sheathed his knife and slammed my head against the metal floor with enough force to nearly knock me out. As I lost consciousness, I could hear him speak. “Take him to the Chop Doc, and make sure the cybernetics don't get damaged: they're supposedly more valuable than any bounty on this ship.”
Warning: Severe radiation poisoning detected. Flush system immediately.
Warning: Neural Lace removal detected, chance of neurological damage high. Proceeded with caution.