This may be a dumb question, but I’m a FTM and expecting in October. My spectra pump just came in the mail and I’m trying to figure it out. It seems like the suction is working but it’s not strong enough to keep the flanges on by breasts without holding them there. Is that normal? Do I need a pumping bra? I just always pictured it being a really strong suction and being able to pump hands free. It seems like everything is set up and I watched a few trouble shooting videos.
Thank you!
Edit: spelling

This may be a dumb question, but I’m a FTM and expecting in October. My spectra pump just came in the mail and I’m trying to figure it out. It seems like the suction is working but it’s not strong enough to keep the flanges on by breasts without holding them there. Is that normal? Do I need a pumping bra? I just always pictured it being a really strong suction and being able to pump hands free. It seems like everything is set up and I watched a few trouble shooting videos.
Thank you!
Edit: spelling

I'm just so tired all the time, it literally feels like I can sleep all day. I have a normal sleep schedule, but everyday I just feel so exhausted. I have dark circles under my eyes and I have no energy to do anything anymore. I just lay in bed all day and want to rot. I feel suicidal, I just want to die all the time and it's getting worse. I get nightmares of him, not of what exactly happened but just of different sa from him. I feel like there's no point in going on anymore, I don't think it's going to get better. I don't exactly know what it's like to have a flashback, but I think I've experienced them. I have really bad maladaptive daydreaming, but I don't think it's that. It's like I'm there again, I can't control it or stop it or rewind it. It's like it's happening all over again and that I'm there and I can feel it. When it's happening I just sit there and cry and I feel like screaming but I obviously can't do that so I have to hold it in. My head feels like it's burning constantly too, like the back of my head feels so fucking warm and hot. Like my brain is melting. And I just want to die and I'm so tired I just want to sleep and never wake up again.
•The one big thing that makes me feel valid is that, when I was 11, my stepdad fingered me in my bedroom. I won't go in to too much detail or anything, it's unimportant. But the entire time he just stared at me and everything was silent, like he was waiting for my reaction. Our relationship has always been odd, so I wanted it. But eventually I got scared and told him something, I don't remember what it was but it got him to stop immediately and he apologised too. I don't remember much after, as in I don't know if he left my room or I left first, but I immediately went to the bathroom. Which was when I discovered I was bleeding.
•Around this time, for some strange reason I would repeatedly say to him "fuck me daddy." This would either be in person, or over messages. I remember once, when I was in school, I messaged him that. He told me to stop in case one of my friends saw. I don't know why he didn't tell me to stop for other reasons.
•One day, after telling him that in person, we were in my parents bedroom. I was sat on his bed and he was in front of me in his weird chair. He then started going in to detail about how I wanted him to fuck me, I can't remember exactly what he said, it was like I zoned out. Everytime I try to recall it now it literally feels like bugs start to crawl up me, I don't understand why. I remember the last part, and his really disgusting hushed and gentle voice. He asked if I wanted him to "cum inside of me", or he was just explaining how that would finish. I'm not really sure.
•Still around this same time period of me being 11-12, I would ask him to 'squish me.' The reason why we would call it that is because I would be on my back, my legs would be up all the way to where my head is and he would be on top of me in a way that would 'squish me'. Basically like that one sex position. I would usually be wearing my school uniform when that would happen, so a skirt. During the 'squishing', he would push down on me, so our crotches would basically be against eachother. I don't know why, but I would continuously ask him to 'squish me' and during it I would even say the whole "fuck me daddy" thing. Only recently have I realised that he was probably just pretending to fuck me.
•Other things had happened around that age too, like how we would talk about how many times we masturbated a day and compare it to eachother. Sometimes if I was abruptly going to my room, he would ask if I was going to go masturbate, since we were 'close like that' I would tell him. He would often recommend me NSFW Instagram model accounts. I was once tricked in to sending feet pics to this guy, which really isn't that serious and whenever I brought it up with friends they find it fucking hilarious. But the detail I always leave out is that, I did bring that up with my stepdad and he proceeded to tell me that he already knew. Which means he was spying on me through the crack of the door. If that already didn't bother me, I don't understand why he just allowed me to send those pictures, if he was watching why the hell didn't he stop me?
•I'm pretty sure this also happened around the age of 11 as well, recently, a memory resurfaced but I barely remember it. Basically, I was sucking on his neck. I don't remember who said it, but either him or my mum spoke up and laughed, saying that I needed to stop otherwise I would "give him a hickey." The reason why I wouldn't be surprised if my mum was in the room at the time is because she doesn't care about what he does. She knows everything and just doesn't fucking care.
•I'm very sure that, around that age, my parents begun to expose me to their loud sex. I wouldn't be surprised if it started even younger, however. Obviously, I tried to bring it up with them at the ripe old age of 11 and my mum immediately shot me down with a "it's natural." This only stopped recently, around this year, because I had a big panic attack over hearing them and my mum finally felt guilty. I started getting panic attacks over it the minute it started, maybe the panic attacks were a sign of the trauma when I was younger, but I'm convinced it is now. I heard it so many times that I began to get paranoid every night, I would start to hear it even if they weren't upstairs (I sound crazy, I know.) I would get so anxious every night in case I would hear it, to the point I started to really resent them from it. I know fine well I could just go to sleep before them, but sometimes they even woke me up with it, on numerous occasions.
•I'm convinced my stepdad wanted me to hear it. Around the time of it finally stopping, I got mad because i was hearing it again (I'm unsure if it was due to me hearing shit or they actually were) but it caused me to take my bedding and go downstairs to sleep. In the morning, I was rudely awoken to my stepdad slamming the door open and storming past. He's not usually like that when people are sleeping, so it instantly gave me the impression that he was pissed off and the only reason I can think of is that he was angry I wasn't there to listen.
•He used to tease me for my paranoia to. As a way to discourage them from getting intimate, I would leave my door open at night. This happened around this year, but I was doing that again and I messaged my stepdad if they were actually going to sleep. It then somehow turned to him making a dig about how he knew I gets anxious at night and when I asked why he sent me "In case me and your mam have sex. 😜" Before, I tried to resolve this issue by begging them to just tell me if they were gonna have sex or not so I could sleep downstairs (because I was gonna find out the hard way anyways.) And they kept on refusing? Which just gave me the impression that they wanted me to listen more.
•Around 11 again, he would often tell me details about his and my mums sex life. Like how he was always good at pulling out and the only time he would wear a condom is right when he was about to finish. But the reason why my sister came to be was because he just failed to pull out that one time and my mum refused to get an abortion. Another time, he went on about how him and my mother had sex during her period and how they had to use towels and they didn't enjoy it because it was too messy.
•I don't know if he did things before the age of 11, my memories are very faded and it's like there are major gaps throughout everything. I'm worried that he did, however. When I was very young, I remember having no accidents at all during the night. But then, around the ages of 9, I would have an accident basically every night and would get a lot of water infections. I know that's a classic sign of child sexual abuse, but I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything.
•Another reason as to why I believe more things had happened to me than what I know of is because I always seemed to know what sex was when I was young, but I wouldn't know the name or anything specific about it like how to get pregnant or what cum was. Though, even though I didn't know what it was, it was like I always thought about it, I could never not think about sex, it was disgusting. This stayed until I was around 13. I remember where I even asked my 'boyfriend' at the time, we were both around 8, if he wanted to have sex, and I have no idea why.
•Over the years, he would flash me frequently. Everytime, I would always believe it was an accident because he'd never acknowledge it, besides from that one time which he always jokes about it and blames me. Everytime he would flash me, it would either be because of a convenient hole in the crotch of his pants or because he was wearing very lose fit shorts and it would just be hanging out. The more I think about it, I'm very sure he would have been able to feel such a thing, especially when it was poking out of the hole, but it was like he was just oblivious.
•For some strange reason, when I was younger, I would make comments about small dicks. I don't know if I was commenting on his dick specifically, but he would always say the same thing. "Width matters more than length."
•Recently, around 16-17, he made a joke about how he listens to me masturbating. Once he noticed how shocked I looked, he then went on saying about how my vibrator is too quiet to hear.
•Around 17 again, I went to use the shower. The shower I use is the one that's connected to my parents room. When I locked the door, he got madish and started making comments about it. I had to defend myself, saying how 'the door would open on it's own if I didn't lock it'. Eventually, he backed off.
•I don't understand the point in the fucking door and lock to my bedroom anymore. Whenever I decided to lock my door, my parents start shouting at me through the walls, asking why I locked my door. My stepdad barely knocks, it's like a tap and he doesn't even wait sometimes. I remember seeing a past message from an old friend saying how he tried to walk in when I was changing and that he knew I was changing. I didn't explain myself, I really wish I did because I don't remember this.
•(Around 17.) We were messaging eachother and it somehow turned in to him hinting if I saw this one animated video, it was a porn one. I said no, and to that he sent me a screenshot of it. It wasn't anything bad or anything, just the start of it and nothing was revealing, he then asked if I was sure. And how he was surprised that I hadn't.
•(Around 17.) I don't really get my period, we still don't know why. But as I was getting a lot of blood tests, my stepdad was trying to check things off the list of what it could be. One of those being that my opening is just extremely tight I guess, because he asked if I ever tried penetrating myself. I admitted that I did, but I couldn't get it to exactly go in. Which he then decided to make a comment saying how It's just my 'technique'. I wonder if the only reason he asked that was to see if I ever tried anything out of morbid curiosity.
•(Around 17 again.) He randomly bought me dildo's once, I didn't ask him for them, he just bought them for me and it was wildly uncomfortable. Once he gave me them, he asked if I wanted him to show me how to use them. I said no, which he then said something about how if I ever did then I could ask him. I worry what would have happened if I did say yes.
•When I was around 14, I went glamping. I ended up having to share a bed with him. One of the nights, I woke up to his hand just on top my crotch. I tried grabbing it and moving it away but it just fell back down on to it. I don't know if he put it back there on purpose. I still question if it was a dream, I'm very sure it wasn't because I remember going back to sleep, but it still just bugs me.
•Around 17, I was upset for some reason and he was comforting me. During this, he randomly grabbed the inside of my thigh. I usually just wear a shirt and boxers, so he basically just grabbed my naked thigh but I don't know if he was doing it in a comforting way.
•Usually when I draw, I have my knees up to my chest so it's easier to use my tablet. Considering what I wear for pyjamas, I can always see him looking at my crotch when he comes in to my room. If he really can see everything I don't understand why he doesn't just tell me to put my legs down.
•He's made a lot of uncomfortable jokes over the years too. One of the ones that upsets me sometimes is that, when he was measuring me for a binder, I was constantly moving around because it was uncomfortable since I was just in a sports bra. As he was leaving, I think I told him about how it was uncomfortable for me or something along those lines. He then turned around and shouted "oh come on, it's not like i was fingerings your pussy or anything."
•Very recently, I asked him if I looked okay before going to college. After a bit of back and fourth he said "I wouldn't kick you out of bed, maybe you could find someone in college who would do the same."
•Other times when I asked him if I looked okay, he'd go on tangents about how my ass is great or how he would date me or be too nervous to talk to me if he was my age.
•One of the more recent jokes was when I dropped a mayonnaise lid on my lap. Nothing got on me, but my stepdad turned to me then turned to my mum and shouted "if anyone starts accusing us, just tell them it was mayonnaise!" Or something like that.
•I remember after we watched the new mean girls film, he started going on saying about how he wanted to rewatch it for the Halloween seen (if you know you know) for the 'panty action'. Which rubs me the wrong way because I'm very sure the girls are supposed to be around my age.
•I'm very sure he also made this fake account, pretending to be one of my old groomers that I tried to cut off, just to message me about nsfw topics and ask for pics. It's a whole long yap about paranoia and just suspicions so I won't get into it though. If I tried to provide all the evidence I have, it'll take forever and there's no point.
There's definitely way more things that he's said, joked and done. But I'm only now beginning to realise that they're not okay. Even when I was younger, I was sort of uncomfortable around the jokes so I would just zone out, leading me to not remembering them now.
I probably will never accept that what happened to me was bad, or a big issue. Especially due to the 'lovely' people on here. Thank you for telling me immediately that I was a liar before you even knew what happened, that I shouldn't blame an 'innocent man', that you hope he comes in and rapes me to the point I split open and bleed. Thank you for telling me that my parents were just trying to promote a sex positive household, that some of the things were questionable at most. Thank you so much for saying I deserved it because I didn't send you pictures. You all made me feel like shit and I'm probably never going to tell people in person what happened to me, out of fear I would be ridiculed due to how much of a baby I'm being. I wasn't raped, so I have no place to cry or even think about it. I'm being overdramatic.
If you even read to this point, you're an angel.

Trigger warning. Also I'm sorry, this is a really long post but I'll bullet point most stuff down.
I'm just so tired all the time, it literally feels like I can sleep all day. I have a normal sleep schedule, but everyday I just feel so exhausted. I have dark circles under my eyes and I have no energy to do anything anymore. I just lay in bed all day and want to rot. I feel suicidal, I just want to die all the time and it's getting worse. I get nightmares of him, not of what exactly happened but just of different sa from him. I feel like there's no point in going on anymore, I don't think it's going to get better. I don't exactly know what it's like to have a flashback, but I think I've experienced them. I have really bad maladaptive daydreaming, but I don't think it's that. It's like I'm there again, I can't control it or stop it or rewind it. It's like it's happening all over again and that I'm there and I can feel it. When it's happening I just sit there and cry and I feel like screaming but I obviously can't do that so I have to hold it in. My head feels like it's burning constantly too, like the back of my head feels so fucking warm and hot. Like my brain is melting. And I just want to die and I'm so tired I just want to sleep and never wake up again.
•The one big thing that makes me feel valid is that, when I was 11, my stepdad fingered me in my bedroom. I won't go in to too much detail or anything, it's unimportant. But the entire time he just stared at me and everything was silent, like he was waiting for my reaction. Our relationship has always been odd, so I wanted it. But eventually I got scared and told him something, I don't remember what it was but it got him to stop immediately and he apologised too. I don't remember much after, as in I don't know if he left my room or I left first, but I immediately went to the bathroom. Which was when I discovered I was bleeding.
•Around this time, for some strange reason I would repeatedly say to him "fuck me daddy." This would either be in person, or over messages. I remember once, when I was in school, I messaged him that. He told me to stop in case one of my friends saw. I don't know why he didn't tell me to stop for other reasons.
•One day, after telling him that in person, we were in my parents bedroom. I was sat on his bed and he was in front of me in his weird chair. He then started going in to detail about how I wanted him to fuck me, I can't remember exactly what he said, it was like I zoned out. Everytime I try to recall it now it literally feels like bugs start to crawl up me, I don't understand why. I remember the last part, and his really disgusting hushed and gentle voice. He asked if I wanted him to "cum inside of me", or he was just explaining how that would finish. I'm not really sure.
•Still around this same time period of me being 11-12, I would ask him to 'squish me.' The reason why we would call it that is because I would be on my back, my legs would be up all the way to where my head is and he would be on top of me in a way that would 'squish me'. Basically like that one sex position. I would usually be wearing my school uniform when that would happen, so a skirt. During the 'squishing', he would push down on me, so our crotches would basically be against eachother. I don't know why, but I would continuously ask him to 'squish me' and during it I would even say the whole "fuck me daddy" thing. Only recently have I realised that he was probably just pretending to fuck me.
•Other things had happened around that age too, like how we would talk about how many times we masturbated a day and compare it to eachother. Sometimes if I was abruptly going to my room, he would ask if I was going to go masturbate, since we were 'close like that' I would tell him. He would often recommend me NSFW Instagram model accounts. I was once tricked in to sending feet pics to this guy, which really isn't that serious and whenever I brought it up with friends they find it fucking hilarious. But the detail I always leave out is that, I did bring that up with my stepdad and he proceeded to tell me that he already knew. Which means he was spying on me through the crack of the door. If that already didn't bother me, I don't understand why he just allowed me to send those pictures, if he was watching why the hell didn't he stop me?
•I'm pretty sure this also happened around the age of 11 as well, recently, a memory resurfaced but I barely remember it. Basically, I was sucking on his neck. I don't remember who said it, but either him or my mum spoke up and laughed, saying that I needed to stop otherwise I would "give him a hickey." The reason why I wouldn't be surprised if my mum was in the room at the time is because she doesn't care about what he does. She knows everything and just doesn't fucking care.
•I'm very sure that, around that age, my parents begun to expose me to their loud sex. I wouldn't be surprised if it started even younger, however. Obviously, I tried to bring it up with them at the ripe old age of 11 and my mum immediately shot me down with a "it's natural." This only stopped recently, around this year, because I had a big panic attack over hearing them and my mum finally felt guilty. I started getting panic attacks over it the minute it started, maybe the panic attacks were a sign of the trauma when I was younger, but I'm convinced it is now. I heard it so many times that I began to get paranoid every night, I would start to hear it even if they weren't upstairs (I sound crazy, I know.) I would get so anxious every night in case I would hear it, to the point I started to really resent them from it. I know fine well I could just go to sleep before them, but sometimes they even woke me up with it, on numerous occasions.
•I'm convinced my stepdad wanted me to hear it. Around the time of it finally stopping, I got mad because i was hearing it again (I'm unsure if it was due to me hearing shit or they actually were) but it caused me to take my bedding and go downstairs to sleep. In the morning, I was rudely awoken to my stepdad slamming the door open and storming past. He's not usually like that when people are sleeping, so it instantly gave me the impression that he was pissed off and the only reason I can think of is that he was angry I wasn't there to listen.
•He used to tease me for my paranoia to. As a way to discourage them from getting intimate, I would leave my door open at night. This happened around this year, but I was doing that again and I messaged my stepdad if they were actually going to sleep. It then somehow turned to him making a dig about how he knew I gets anxious at night and when I asked why he sent me "In case me and your mam have sex. 😜" Before, I tried to resolve this issue by begging them to just tell me if they were gonna have sex or not so I could sleep downstairs (because I was gonna find out the hard way anyways.) And they kept on refusing? Which just gave me the impression that they wanted me to listen more.
•Around 11 again, he would often tell me details about his and my mums sex life. Like how he was always good at pulling out and the only time he would wear a condom is right when he was about to finish. But the reason why my sister came to be was because he just failed to pull out that one time and my mum refused to get an abortion. Another time, he went on about how him and my mother had sex during her period and how they had to use towels and they didn't enjoy it because it was too messy.
•I don't know if he did things before the age of 11, my memories are very faded and it's like there are major gaps throughout everything. I'm worried that he did, however. When I was very young, I remember having no accidents at all during the night. But then, around the ages of 9, I would have an accident basically every night and would get a lot of water infections. I know that's a classic sign of child sexual abuse, but I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything.
•Another reason as to why I believe more things had happened to me than what I know of is because I always seemed to know what sex was when I was young, but I wouldn't know the name or anything specific about it like how to get pregnant or what cum was. Though, even though I didn't know what it was, it was like I always thought about it, I could never not think about sex, it was disgusting. This stayed until I was around 13. I remember where I even asked my 'boyfriend' at the time, we were both around 8, if he wanted to have sex, and I have no idea why.
•Over the years, he would flash me frequently. Everytime, I would always believe it was an accident because he'd never acknowledge it, besides from that one time which he always jokes about it and blames me. Everytime he would flash me, it would either be because of a convenient hole in the crotch of his pants or because he was wearing very lose fit shorts and it would just be hanging out. The more I think about it, I'm very sure he would have been able to feel such a thing, especially when it was poking out of the hole, but it was like he was just oblivious.
•For some strange reason, when I was younger, I would make comments about small dicks. I don't know if I was commenting on his dick specifically, but he would always say the same thing. "Width matters more than length."
•Recently, around 16-17, he made a joke about how he listens to me masturbating. Once he noticed how shocked I looked, he then went on saying about how my vibrator is too quiet to hear.
•Around 17 again, I went to use the shower. The shower I use is the one that's connected to my parents room. When I locked the door, he got madish and started making comments about it. I had to defend myself, saying how 'the door would open on it's own if I didn't lock it'. Eventually, he backed off.
•I don't understand the point in the fucking door and lock to my bedroom anymore. Whenever I decided to lock my door, my parents start shouting at me through the walls, asking why I locked my door. My stepdad barely knocks, it's like a tap and he doesn't even wait sometimes. I remember seeing a past message from an old friend saying how he tried to walk in when I was changing and that he knew I was changing. I didn't explain myself, I really wish I did because I don't remember this.
•(Around 17.) We were messaging eachother and it somehow turned in to him hinting if I saw this one animated video, it was a porn one. I said no, and to that he sent me a screenshot of it. It wasn't anything bad or anything, just the start of it and nothing was revealing, he then asked if I was sure. And how he was surprised that I hadn't.
•(Around 17.) I don't really get my period, we still don't know why. But as I was getting a lot of blood tests, my stepdad was trying to check things off the list of what it could be. One of those being that my opening is just extremely tight I guess, because he asked if I ever tried penetrating myself. I admitted that I did, but I couldn't get it to exactly go in. Which he then decided to make a comment saying how It's just my 'technique'. I wonder if the only reason he asked that was to see if I ever tried anything out of morbid curiosity.
•(Around 17 again.) He randomly bought me dildo's once, I didn't ask him for them, he just bought them for me and it was wildly uncomfortable. Once he gave me them, he asked if I wanted him to show me how to use them. I said no, which he then said something about how if I ever did then I could ask him. I worry what would have happened if I did say yes.
•When I was around 14, I went glamping. I ended up having to share a bed with him. One of the nights, I woke up to his hand just on top my crotch. I tried grabbing it and moving it away but it just fell back down on to it. I don't know if he put it back there on purpose. I still question if it was a dream, I'm very sure it wasn't because I remember going back to sleep, but it still just bugs me.
•Around 17, I was upset for some reason and he was comforting me. During this, he randomly grabbed the inside of my thigh. I usually just wear a shirt and boxers, so he basically just grabbed my naked thigh but I don't know if he was doing it in a comforting way.
•Usually when I draw, I have my knees up to my chest so it's easier to use my tablet. Considering what I wear for pyjamas, I can always see him looking at my crotch when he comes in to my room. If he really can see everything I don't understand why he doesn't just tell me to put my legs down.
•He's made a lot of uncomfortable jokes over the years too. One of the ones that upsets me sometimes is that, when he was measuring me for a binder, I was constantly moving around because it was uncomfortable since I was just in a sports bra. As he was leaving, I think I told him about how it was uncomfortable for me or something along those lines. He then turned around and shouted "oh come on, it's not like i was fingerings your pussy or anything."
•Very recently, I asked him if I looked okay before going to college. After a bit of back and fourth he said "I wouldn't kick you out of bed, maybe you could find someone in college who would do the same."
•Other times when I asked him if I looked okay, he'd go on tangents about how my ass is great or how he would date me or be too nervous to talk to me if he was my age.
•One of the more recent jokes was when I dropped a mayonnaise lid on my lap. Nothing got on me, but my stepdad turned to me then turned to my mum and shouted "if anyone starts accusing us, just tell them it was mayonnaise!" Or something like that.
•I remember after we watched the new mean girls film, he started going on saying about how he wanted to rewatch it for the Halloween seen (if you know you know) for the 'panty action'. Which rubs me the wrong way because I'm very sure the girls are supposed to be around my age.
•I'm very sure he also made this fake account, pretending to be one of my old groomers that I tried to cut off, just to message me about nsfw topics and ask for pics. It's a whole long yap about paranoia and just suspicions so I won't get into it though. If I tried to provide all the evidence I have, it'll take forever and there's no point.
There's definitely way more things that he's said, joked and done. But I'm only now beginning to realise that they're not okay. Even when I was younger, I was sort of uncomfortable around the jokes so I would just zone out, leading me to not remembering them now.
I probably will never accept that what happened to me was bad, or a big issue. Especially due to the 'lovely' people on here. Thank you for telling me immediately that I was a liar before you even knew what happened, that I shouldn't blame an 'innocent man', that you hope he comes in and rapes me to the point I split open and bleed. Thank you for telling me that my parents were just trying to promote a sex positive household, that some of the things were questionable at most. Thank you so much for saying I deserved it because I didn't send you pictures. You all made me feel like shit and I'm probably never going to tell people in person what happened to me, out of fear I would be ridiculed due to how much of a baby I'm being. I wasn't raped, so I have no place to cry or even think about it. I'm being overdramatic.
If you even read to this point, you're an angel.

När jag var tonåring var jag starkt vänster, nästan extrem. Jag brukade ha långa diskussioner med mina vänner och min familj om hur jag lätt skulle bryta kontakten med någon som ens antydde stöd för vad jag ansåg vara extremhögern, alltså SD som var i fokus då.
Vid den tiden kände jag en inre ilska när dessa ämnen kom upp. Det var en reaktionär ilska, en som kunde bubbla upp och flöda över, men en ilska jag kände att jag hade kontroll över. Om en nära vän hade berättat för mig att de röstade på SD, skulle jag förmodligen inte ha gjort något åt det, trots att jag gav sken av det. Jag hade känt mig konfliktfylld, men inte så djupt att det skulle ha slitit på mitt innersta jag.
När jag ser tillbaka på den tiden inser jag hur ytliga mina åsikter faktiskt var. Det var ett försök att stå upp för det rätta utan mycket motstånd eftersom majoriteten tyckte precis som jag. Det fanns inga konsekvenser av att tycka som jag gjorde; inget negativt varken moraliskt eller verkligt som stoppade dessa lättantagna åsikter. Men det var några år sedan.
Idag, eller snarare igår, såg jag en video från Tyskland som utspelade sig tio minuter innan den postades på Reddit. I videon står en högerextremist på ett torg och livestreamar en demonstration mot islamiseringen av Europa.
Plötsligt dyker en man upp med en kniv. Under videons gång hugger han demonstranten flera gånger i överkropp och buk, samt en polis två gånger i nacken. Sedan blir han skjuten av en annan polis. Senare läser jag att polisen dog och att två andra är i kritiskt tillstånd.
Jag har sett många videor där folk dör. Jag tycker det är obehagligt med riktig gore och undviker ofta de mest grafiska videorna. Men den här videon var annorlunda. Jag kände inte den vanliga äcklade och frånkopplade känslan. Jag tänkte inte bara "usch, det här vill jag inte se" och stängde av.
Jag kände ett hat. Ett djupt, kokande hat. Jag blev extremt illa berörd och ledsen, en känsla som inget liknande någonsin har gett mig förut. Jag vet inte exakt var hatet är riktat. Jag hatar inte "alla invandrare", och jag allierar mig inte gärna med folk som hatar invandrare eller andra utsatta grupper bara för hatets skull.
Det är en obehaglig känsla jag aldrig känt förut. Under lång tid har jag drivit åt höger när det gäller politik som rör detta område. Hela tiden har jag, precis som med de vänsterextremistiska åsikterna jag brukade ha, tänkt att detta bara är någon slags ytlig populism, något som egentligen inte berör mig eller någon annan. Bara en tam tanke. Men nu är det annorlunda.
Detta påverkar mig otroligt negativt, vilket det aldrig gjort förut. När jag såg denna video kände jag känslor jag aldrig gjort tidigare. En sjuk hjälplöshet och identitetskris. Är dessa känslor goda? Är de onda? Är det bara känslor? Under de 30 sekunder som videon spelades ville jag att han och alla som honom skulle försvinna, att det skulle ske smärtsamt.
Jag vet inte riktigt vad jag vill få sagt här. Jag identifierar mig inte som någon på högersidan, men de starka känslor jag kände igår, och som jag tydligen långsamt dragits in i under de senaste åren för att kulminera i detta terrorattentat, känns inte bra, minst sagt.
Är det någon annan som gjort samma resa? Någon som känner samma hjälplöshet nu som jag gör, där allt plötsligt blivit "på riktigt"?

Has anyone seen the Kickstarter for a new custom bra called Doubl? It popped up on my FB feed, and I watched the video. For me, it looks like an emphatic "Ugh. No!" The larger model looks like her boobs are joined in the middle, and I question the support. The "wonderful" colors include exactly 1 that won't clearly show through most tops, and the other is white--which also shows through a lot. And the fitting...she is wearing a bra! I have NEVER understood how the eff that's supposed to work. It just makes zero sense to me. Am I the only one picking this thing apart? Have I missed something? How does 3.5 years researching get me measurements while wearing a badly fitting bra??? And...if you give a large enough amount they will take you on a SPA day??? Am I the only one who finds that problematic?? Use the money for the business, not the spa! But, just considering the bra itself...am I missing something amazing about this thing??

Hi everyone,
Yesterday I went out with two girl friends after long time and I wore a strappy shirt with a jacket. I was texting with bf and I sent him a little cute video of me smiling and big part of the video is also my chest which I think looked very cute in that top. Although it was nothing I wouldn’t wear around my parents for example.
He at first reacted sweetly and then he asks me if I’m wearing a bra and I say no and I was curious why he asked? I literally never wear bras. And he asks why I don’t and I try to tell him that with my size (im a B cup or some days small C) there’s no sense in wearing a bra other than discomfort. He responds “no sense bc there are no boobs?” And I was kinda shocked because usually he just says they’re the perfect size and how much he likes them and just how ideal they are, so I didn’t really respond and then he started apologising telling me it’s a joke and they’re beautiful etc.
I let it go and next day I see that he was a bit distant and made a comment about whether I was actually with my girl friends and I showed him that I was and then he stopped. Few hours later I try to ask him about the weird comment to which he replies “hahaha, if I truly thought they’re small I wouldn’t be with you”.
The fuck 💀
I just feel like I’m being lied to because when I had expressed an insecurity over my size in the past he has said he would love me the same even if I was like chestless entirely.
Am I making a big deal out of nothing? How would you guys react and respond?
Thank you all in advance
For context we are 23f and 27 (m) not 15 like this posts make us sound like..
Tl;dr : bf started acting weird about my boob size, one day it’s perfect one day it’s non existent and he even went as far as to say he wouldn’t be with me if they were small. First time this happens after 6 months together , I’m hurt and confused?

Hi everyone,
Yesterday I went out with two girl friends after long time and I wore a strappy shirt with a jacket. I was texting with bf and I sent him a little cute video of me smiling and big part of the video is also my chest which I think looked very cute in that top. Although it was nothing I wouldn’t wear around my parents for example.
He at first reacted sweetly and then he asks me if I’m wearing a bra and I say no and I was curious why he asked? I literally never wear bras. And he asks why I don’t and I try to tell him that with my size (im a B cup or some days small C) there’s no sense in wearing a bra other than discomfort. He responds “no sense bc there are no boobs?” And I was kinda shocked because usually he just says they’re the perfect size and how much he likes them and just how ideal they are, so I didn’t really respond and then he started apologising telling me it’s a joke and they’re beautiful etc.
I let it go and next day I see that he was a bit distant and made a comment about whether I was actually with my girl friends and I showed him that I was and then he stopped. Few hours later I try to ask him about the weird comment to which he replies “hahaha, if I truly thought they’re small I wouldn’t be with you”.
The fuck 💀
I just feel like I’m being lied to because when I had expressed an insecurity over my size in the past he has said he would love me the same even if I was like chestless entirely.
Am I making a big deal out of nothing? How would you guys react and respond?
Thank you all in advance
For context we are 23f and 27 (m) not 15 like this posts make us sound like..
Tl;dr : bf started acting weird about my boob size, one day it’s perfect one day it’s non existent and he even went as far as to say he wouldn’t be with me if they were small. First time this happens after 6 months together , I’m hurt and confused?

Alright so for this story there is a lot of context to know that’s necessary. First of all, me and the girl I’m talking about are both 15. We started talking when we both started high school and eventually got into a talking stage, which was on and off usually just for stupid reasons which we could both laugh about later on. About 1.5 years ago she started opening up to me about her depression. She told me things like harming herself etc. I was always there for her and eventually convinced her to talk to a teacher about it. Later she got into a relationship with a boy, but he treated her terribly and even though she told him about everything going on with her he tried manipulating her into sending pictures and stuff like that and started spreading lies about her. Eventually they broke up and she told her parents about her depression and self-harm. When all of this was happening I was always there for her and tried helping her however I could. Later on she decided that it would be better if me and her wouldn’t have any contact for a while so she could use all of her limited energy on herself an trying to get better. Over the next year me and her were talking sometimes throughout the year and since december of last year we have been talking daily and we started to catch feelings for each other again. She also told me stuff like how she tried to commit suicide multiple times last year. One day, she didn’t respond to my messages and when I asked her what happened she told me that she was in the hospital because she tried to OD. A few days later she got out and me and her hung out a few days later with another friend of her. Then a few days later we hung out again, went bowling, I watched her football/soccer match and we were basically together all day with a few other friends of her. At the end of the day we kissed for the first time and I went home. We decided to see each other again a few days later and it was amazing. We were in her room all day making out the entire time, basically just a cringy teenage relationship. She took her shirt off and we just continued what we were doing and after a while I asked her if she would be comfortable taking off her bra as well, and she said that she didn’t want to do it now, which I responded to that that’s totally okay and that I completely understand it. We continued what we were doing again and eventually she was basically laying on top of me while we were making out and she started pushing my head down to her breasts and I was kissing her body all the way down there. She held my head while I was down there and basically pushed me against them, so one one breast, I slightly pulled down her bra and started kissing her there for a few seconds and then went back up again. She still seemed completely comfortable and I asked her if she made up her mind and she nodded with a big smile on her face. We just continue making out and eventually I had to go to my football training. After I left she told me that she had an absolutely amazing time and that that day was perfect and her best day ever. She also sent me some of those corny tiktoks (that’s something we do often) and some of then where things like “touchy gf + touchy bf >>>” and stuff like that. She didn’t respond for a while and later that night she told me that she tried to kill herself again and that she would be admitted to a mental hospital. This is about the 4th time she tried it but this time she definitely got the closest to actually having it happen. She told me that she wouldn’t be able to keep up a relationship which I completely understood. She promised me that once this is all over that we would go back to what we had. We continued to just talk over the phone while she was there and we were still telling each other “I love you” and sending each other those corny tiktoks. She felt completely miserable in there and I tried being there for her and was sending her sweet texts every day. Some of those cringy tiktoks were things like “I’m craving you so much” which she responded “Soon I’m all yours again” to and “Once I get 1 kiss I need a 100 more” which she responded “Once I’m out there will be a lot of more kissed for you” and one that basically said that we should just marry which she responded “In three years” to. So basically we were still in love with each other and doing what cringy teenagers do. Eventually she told me that she completely lost all hope in life and that she’s only pretending to still have hope so that she’ll get out so she can do something again. I felt terrible hearing this and decided to tell her parents about this and they were very grateful. Of course she was angry at me at first, which is completely understandable but I know that it was for the better. She eventually forgave me but decided that we should have a little bit less contact now and eventually we stopped having contact. I though that this was because she didn’t want people to care about her too much so that it wouldn’t hurt them a lot if she dies, and she confirmed this later. Eventually she told me that we can have contact again but limited because she has to stick all of her energy into getting better, and I respected this of course. This also ended shortly and all of our contact now basically existed with me responding to her reposts on tiktok, assuring her she’s beautiful (because that was the main reason of her depression, basically hating herself and her body) etc. Eventually she reposted a video about that just had some dates in it (dates as in feb. 11 for example) and it included the last day that we were together. I looked in the comments and saw people talking about those days like they were amazing dates, so I thought that that were her intentions for that repost as well, so I responded to her that it was the best day of my life. Of course I didn’t mean the last part of the day, but just the part that me and her were together. She got mad at me because I understood it wrong and she told me that it wouldn’t work out between us and that we should stop having contact. She has already been back home for a few weeks now by the way. Yesterday, I saw a repost of her that was about being SA’d and I responded saying that this is very serious and I asked her who did this to her. Later she told me that it was about us and I was completely shocked. She told me that when I slightly pulled her bra down she just froze and let it happen and I just didn’t understand. She told me that it was the best day of her life, she immediately started making out with me for like an hour after it happened, she told me she loved me, after I left she told her parents that we were dating, she sent me those corny tiktoks, she told me that we’d marry in 3 three years when we’re both 18, she told me that once she’s back she’s all mine again, after I left she was with one of her friends and told her all about what happened and how amazing it was and she promised me that whatever happens, that we’d go back to what we had. Who would do things like that after feeling like she just got SA’d? She now told me that she would leave it at this if I stopped texting her, but I’m still scared to death that she’ll take this any further. She can ruin my life with these accusations. Was I in the wrong? And would should I do now? Is she just remembering it wrong because of everything else going on?

Alright so for this story there is a lot of context to know that’s necessary. First of all, me and the girl I’m talking about are both 15. We started talking when we both started high school and eventually got into a talking stage, which was on and off usually just for stupid reasons which we could both laugh about later on. About 1.5 years ago she started opening up to me about her depression. She told me things like harming herself etc. I was always there for her and eventually convinced her to talk to a teacher about it. Later she got into a relationship with a boy, but he treated her terribly and even though she told him about everything going on with her he tried manipulating her into sending pictures and stuff like that and started spreading lies about her. Eventually they broke up and she told her parents about her depression and self-harm. When all of this was happening I was always there for her and tried helping her however I could. Later on she decided that it would be better if me and her wouldn’t have any contact for a while so she could use all of her limited energy on herself an trying to get better. Over the next year me and her were talking sometimes throughout the year and since december of last year we have been talking daily and we started to catch feelings for each other again. She also told me stuff like how she tried to commit suicide multiple times last year. One day, she didn’t respond to my messages and when I asked her what happened she told me that she was in the hospital because she tried to OD. A few days later she got out and me and her hung out a few days later with another friend of her. Then a few days later we hung out again, went bowling, I watched her football/soccer match and we were basically together all day with a few other friends of her. At the end of the day we kissed for the first time and I went home. We decided to see each other again a few days later and it was amazing. We were in her room all day making out the entire time, basically just a cringy teenage relationship. She took her shirt off and we just continued what we were doing and after a while I asked her if she would be comfortable taking off her bra as well, and she said that she didn’t want to do it now, which I responded to that that’s totally okay and that I completely understand it. We continued what we were doing again and eventually she was basically laying on top of me while we were making out and she started pushing my head down to her breasts and I was kissing her body all the way down there. She held my head while I was down there and basically pushed me against them, so one one breast, I slightly pulled down her bra and started kissing her there for a few seconds and then went back up again. She still seemed completely comfortable and I asked her if she made up her mind and she nodded with a big smile on her face. We just continue making out and eventually I had to go to my football training. After I left she told me that she had an absolutely amazing time and that that day was perfect and her best day ever. She also sent me some of those corny tiktoks (that’s something we do often) and some of then where things like “touchy gf + touchy bf >>>” and stuff like that. She didn’t respond for a while and later that night she told me that she tried to kill herself again and that she would be admitted to a mental hospital. This is about the 4th time she tried it but this time she definitely got the closest to actually having it happen. She told me that she wouldn’t be able to keep up a relationship which I completely understood. She promised me that once this is all over that we would go back to what we had. We continued to just talk over the phone while she was there and we were still telling each other “I love you” and sending each other those corny tiktoks. She felt completely miserable in there and I tried being there for her and was sending her sweet texts every day. Some of those cringy tiktoks were things like “I’m craving you so much” which she responded “Soon I’m all yours again” to and “Once I get 1 kiss I need a 100 more” which she responded “Once I’m out there will be a lot of more kissed for you” and one that basically said that we should just marry which she responded “In three years” to. So basically we were still in love with each other and doing what cringy teenagers do. Eventually she told me that she completely lost all hope in life and that she’s only pretending to still have hope so that she’ll get out so she can do something again. I felt terrible hearing this and decided to tell her parents about this and they were very grateful. Of course she was angry at me at first, which is completely understandable but I know that it was for the better. She eventually forgave me but decided that we should have a little bit less contact now and eventually we stopped having contact. I though that this was because she didn’t want people to care about her too much so that it wouldn’t hurt them a lot if she dies, and she confirmed this later. Eventually she told me that we can have contact again but limited because she has to stick all of her energy into getting better, and I respected this of course. This also ended shortly and all of our contact now basically existed with me responding to her reposts on tiktok, assuring her she’s beautiful (because that was the main reason of her depression, basically hating herself and her body) etc. Eventually she reposted a video about that just had some dates in it (dates as in feb. 11 for example) and it included the last day that we were together. I looked in the comments and saw people talking about those days like they were amazing dates, so I thought that that were her intentions for that repost as well, so I responded to her that it was the best day of my life. Of course I didn’t mean the last part of the day, but just the part that me and her were together. She got mad at me because I understood it wrong and she told me that it wouldn’t work out between us and that we should stop having contact. She has already been back home for a few weeks now by the way. Yesterday, I saw a repost of her that was about being SA’d and I responded saying that this is very serious and I asked her who did this to her. Later she told me that it was about us and I was completely shocked. She told me that when I slightly pulled her bra down she just froze and let it happen and I just didn’t understand. She told me that it was the best day of her life, she immediately started making out with me for like an hour after it happened, she told me she loved me, after I left she told her parents that we were dating, she sent me those corny tiktoks, she told me that we’d marry in 3 three years when we’re both 18, she told me that once she’s back she’s all mine again, after I left she was with one of her friends and told her all about what happened and how amazing it was and she promised me that whatever happens, that we’d go back to what we had. Who would do things like that after feeling like she just got SA’d? She now told me that she would leave it at this if I stopped texting her, but I’m still scared to death that she’ll take this any further. She can ruin my life with these accusations. Was I in the wrong? And would should I do now? Is she just remembering it wrong because of everything else going on?

Alright so for this story there is a lot of context to know that’s necessary. First of all, me and the girl I’m talking about are both 15. We started talking when we both started high school and eventually got into a talking stage, which was on and off usually just for stupid reasons which we could both laugh about later on. About 1.5 years ago she started opening up to me about her depression. She told me things like harming herself etc. I was always there for her and eventually convinced her to talk to a teacher about it. Later she got into a relationship with a boy, but he treated her terribly and even though she told him about everything going on with her he tried manipulating her into sending pictures and stuff like that and started spreading lies about her. Eventually they broke up and she told her parents about her depression and self-harm. When all of this was happening I was always there for her and tried helping her however I could. Later on she decided that it would be better if me and her wouldn’t have any contact for a while so she could use all of her limited energy on herself an trying to get better. Over the next year me and her were talking sometimes throughout the year and since december of last year we have been talking daily and we started to catch feelings for each other again. She also told me stuff like how she tried to commit suicide multiple times last year. One day, she didn’t respond to my messages and when I asked her what happened she told me that she was in the hospital because she tried to OD. A few days later she got out and me and her hung out a few days later with another friend of her. Then a few days later we hung out again, went bowling, I watched her football/soccer match and we were basically together all day with a few other friends of her. At the end of the day we kissed for the first time and I went home. We decided to see each other again a few days later and it was amazing. We were in her room all day making out the entire time, basically just a cringy teenage relationship. She took her shirt off and we just continued what we were doing and after a while I asked her if she would be comfortable taking off her bra as well, and she said that she didn’t want to do it now, which I responded to that that’s totally okay and that I completely understand it. We continued what we were doing again and eventually she was basically laying on top of me while we were making out and she started pushing my head down to her breasts and I was kissing her body all the way down there. She held my head while I was down there and basically pushed me against them, so one one breast, I slightly pulled down her bra and started kissing her there for a few seconds and then went back up again. She still seemed completely comfortable and I asked her if she made up her mind and she nodded with a big smile on her face. We just continue making out and eventually I had to go to my football training. After I left she told me that she had an absolutely amazing time and that that day was perfect and her best day ever. She also sent me some of those corny tiktoks (that’s something we do often) and some of then where things like “touchy gf + touchy bf >>>” and stuff like that. She didn’t respond for a while and later that night she told me that she tried to kill herself again and that she would be admitted to a mental hospital. This is about the 4th time she tried it but this time she definitely got the closest to actually having it happen. She told me that she wouldn’t be able to keep up a relationship which I completely understood. She promised me that once this is all over that we would go back to what we had. We continued to just talk over the phone while she was there and we were still telling each other “I love you” and sending each other those corny tiktoks. She felt completely miserable in there and I tried being there for her and was sending her sweet texts every day. Some of those cringy tiktoks were things like “I’m craving you so much” which she responded “Soon I’m all yours again” to and “Once I get 1 kiss I need a 100 more” which she responded “Once I’m out there will be a lot of more kissed for you” and one that basically said that we should just marry which she responded “In three years” to. So basically we were still in love with each other and doing what cringy teenagers do. Eventually she told me that she completely lost all hope in life and that she’s only pretending to still have hope so that she’ll get out so she can do something again. I felt terrible hearing this and decided to tell her parents about this and they were very grateful. Of course she was angry at me at first, which is completely understandable but I know that it was for the better. She eventually forgave me but decided that we should have a little bit less contact now and eventually we stopped having contact. I though that this was because she didn’t want people to care about her too much so that it wouldn’t hurt them a lot if she dies, and she confirmed this later. Eventually she told me that we can have contact again but limited because she has to stick all of her energy into getting better, and I respected this of course. This also ended shortly and all of our contact now basically existed with me responding to her reposts on tiktok, assuring her she’s beautiful (because that was the main reason of her depression, basically hating herself and her body) etc. Eventually she reposted a video about that just had some dates in it (dates as in feb. 11 for example) and it included the last day that we were together. I looked in the comments and saw people talking about those days like they were amazing dates, so I thought that that were her intentions for that repost as well, so I responded to her that it was the best day of my life. Of course I didn’t mean the last part of the day, but just the part that me and her were together. She got mad at me because I understood it wrong and she told me that it wouldn’t work out between us and that we should stop having contact. She has already been back home for a few weeks now by the way. Yesterday, I saw a repost of her that was about being SA’d and I responded saying that this is very serious and I asked her who did this to her. Later she told me that it was about us and I was completely shocked. She told me that when I slightly pulled her bra down she just froze and let it happen and I just didn’t understand. She told me that it was the best day of her life, she immediately started making out with me for like an hour after it happened, she told me she loved me, after I left she told her parents that we were dating, she sent me those corny tiktoks, she told me that we’d marry in 3 three years when we’re both 18, she told me that once she’s back she’s all mine again, after I left she was with one of her friends and told her all about what happened and how amazing it was and she promised me that whatever happens, that we’d go back to what we had. Who would do things like that after feeling like she just got SA’d? She now told me that she would leave it at this if I stopped texting her, but I’m still scared to death that she’ll take this any further. She can ruin my life with these accusations. Was I in the wrong? And would should I do now? Is she just remembering it wrong because of everything else going on?

Found today's vlog amusing. I skipped about half or more - sorry, I don't care about skincare faves from someone who uses filters on most of her closeup video shots (Even though she has nice skin she seems to use filters quite often) or clothing faves from someone who has a terrible sense of style (sorry!) and wears the wrong colors for her skin tone. I actually don't care about her personal skincare and clothing choices because I watch her for DIY and projects... I follow people who are actually knowledgeable about fashion and skincare for that stuff, no offense.
This next point is so dumb, I'm mad at myself for caring but alas... please put on a bra!! I'm all about braless life, but you can literally see nip outlines in her video today and I really don't think she is the type that wants to show all that - or maybe lowkey she does like to show everyone her nipple outlines... What the hell do I know 🤔 as a woman myself it really shouldn't bother me, But for some reason it does.. maybe because I found it super distracting? just slap on a couple of pasties at least, and call it a day.
Also, it felt like she basically just made a video about all her sponsored stuff (I saw that Stanley cup make another appearance)... Thredup outfits, factor meals, yada yada..
But you know what she didn't give us... DIY and project faves, considering that's the entire point of your channels..sheesh!!!! Not a single "this tool is a must have, especially if you're just starting out with DIYS" ... The closest we got was her declarationt of "I like brass!" Then just rambled about stuff she likes on Instagram - so not even faves, just showing pretty pictures for no reason...
And again with the "I am a planner!" when talking about how she's trying to get content prepared for when she delivers the baby. However, she's still recording, editing and posting within the same few days still ... The exact opposite of being a planner, so I just don't get why she keeps saying that. Maybe she is saving all the quality content for when she actually needs it (after birth) so I'll cut her some slack there...
Anyway I'm just blabbing on 🤣

DISCLAIMER I know a lot of this post is barely related to the subject or very redundant. The main reason I’m sharing is to get people engaging and maybe help others if they’re at a dead end with their research. I didn’t include any in my original posts for this reason. Please don’t read if you’re going to get pissed and say I wasted your time. I warned you.
One last weird connection with loose ties to Drake
The Drake and Delilah Connection: An Expose on the Hollywood Club Scene and it’s Controversial Connections and History
Before I start I just want to say this is a fraction of the info online, but many articles are behind a paywall on the LA Times site. If anyone is interested and has or wants to buy a subscription feel free to add more in the comments. The price is not too bad, I just don’t need any more links because this post is already insanely long. I’d also be willing to bet there are thousands of court cases related to these clubs that could be relevant.
I think I may have shared this first part or seen it posted, but I have a real weird feeling about the club Delilah in Hollywood. It is located on 7969 Santa Monica Blvd in West Hollywood. I find this interesting because it’s a huge celebrity hotspot and has been shouted out constantly these last couple years. I read an article about AK meeting SixNine’s manager and him saying it felt like some Illuminati shit was going down. A very interesting connection is it used to be called Club 7969. Here’s a quote from a very interesting article about Club 7969 along with a link to the full article. From the looks of it the location has been extremely popular over the last couple decades despite a couple name changes. Excuse the outdated terminology, a lot of sources are from the nineties and early 2000’s.
“Club 7969, at the corner of Santa Monica and Fairfax in West Hollywood, was packed as usual last Friday night. Fridays and Mondays are drag night at the club, and flocks of trannies in full feather turn out for the midnight stage show. The drag revue also draws a large contingent of transsexual prostitutes and their johns, including, until recently, the house celebrity, Atison Seiuli, a.k.a. Shalimar, who was riding with Eddie Murphy in his Land Cruiser when the pair got stopped by the LAPD a year ago this week.
Seiuli died two weeks ago, falling to her death from the roof of her apartment building on South Berendo Street in Koreatown. According to Rampart homicide detectives, Seiuli, wearing only panties and a bra, had locked herself out of her apartment and was trying to lower herself from the roof to her fifth-floor window with a towel tied to a railing.” https://www.laweekly.com/the-new-hollywood-sinkhole/
Not only does the above quote possibly directly connect to the whole ballroom drag stuff, it may also contribute to rumors of many male rappers and other famous people being caught with trans women. Obviously it’s not a huge deal anymore, but it’s always been a thing. A few more interesting connections are the Drake song 7969 Santa and all the Delilah shoutouts he’s made throughout the years. The owner even calls him family.
I linked a very interesting Reddit post I found from five years ago with more info below. Y’all can thank the Drake sub for digging up dirt in their boy. https://www.reddit.com/Drizzy/comments/dpnk0n/a_study_into_some_of_drakes_street_ties/?rdt=60420
Another weird connection is the initials of Santa Monica are S and M, which is interesting considering the past history with Dominatrix shows, which can get fucking nuts apparently. I have a wild theory this may be where Drake got his alleged blackmail on Ye and potentially a lot of other artists. In the description on Delilah’s Instagram page it says, “nothing to see here.”
Delilah is part of a large group of famous nightclubs owned by a company called The h.wood Group, which is owned by Brian Toll and partner John Terzian. Apparently they’re involved with Coachella, Cannes, and F1, along with many others.
Below are two very interesting articles about Terzian. https://www.nytimes.com/2023/12/28/style/john-terzian-hwood-clubs.html
This one talks about his ambitions to get into the hotel business. https://hwoodgroup.com/h-wood-groups-john-terzian-dishes-on-what-it-took-to-build-a-35m-nightclub-and-restaurant-business/
I don’t mean to go to weird here, but does anyone find his love of chicken tenders a little odd? With the tender reference that Kendrick made I’m starting to think there might be something more to this word and chicken tenders could had some other meaning. I know it sounds like some p gate shit, but you never know. Please don’t take the definitions below too seriously odds are the dude just has the pallet of a ten year old or he could be a Wall Street Bets bro 😭
Potential possibilities from urban dictionary:
Chicken Definitions- “A term used to describe a young (generally gay) male; often used with connotations of twink.”
“An underage male who prostitutes himself to middle-age men -- usually married professionals and businessmen -- by standing on certain city streetcorners known for the "chicken trade."
“chicken is an underage boy who older guys like to have sex with.”
“An attractive woman with thighs and breasts (like a real chicken)”
“An attractive woman with thighs and breasts (like a real chicken)”
“A young woman/A young homosexual”
I know there is also the expression “choking the chicken,” so it could be referring to male genitalia. I also see a few people using it as a code word for weed and meth, which are both massively popular in the club scene, LBGTQ community, and LA (also the whole west coast pretty much).
Tender Definitions- “Used to descibe a female who is very good looking in that innocent way.”
“The dating app for underage children”
“A feminine acting male”
“A male’s tender meat, the testicles, the softies, the soft ones”
“Young innocent girl”
“These said "Tendahs" must be of legal age otherwise they're just chicken nuggets.. stay away from chicky nuggets.”
“an adjective describing someone or something being sexually attractive or "hot", this term is especially used in the male gay community”
“A pussy or vagina”
Chicken tender definitions- “Testicles”
“Fat elongated cocks”
A girl under the age of 18, but looks of that to be older.”
“Refers to a man over 40 years old who is sexually appealing to younger females”
“Someone who is especially well skilled with cock”
As I said, there are probably similar definitions for most words on UD, and even if there was some hidden meaning, chances are it’s probably just a gay thing.
The same article also spoke about going into the hotel game. Has anyone made the connection between Hilton hotels and Paris Hilton who inspired the Kardashians and many other families to exploit their daughters to get them famous. Anyone remember her talking about the Elon school recently? She also used to be the OG do nothing celebrity back in the day. It could just be my distaste for most billionaires, but who knows how deep the hotel shit really goes.
I also found a high end hotel in Hollywood that may be for swingers, but also may be into some weird shit behind closed doors. I was going to post the link, but their site conditions were so strict and scary I’m not even mentioning their name. It is in LA, as are pretty much all the places I mention below. I tried to narrow things down to West Hollywood which is where Delilah is located and where Drake and Ye used to live, along with tons of other hugely influential people. I never knew until recently, but there are two other Delilah locations in Miami and Vegas. All three cities are known for a lot of debauchery and they all tend to be celebrity hotspots.
LA articles- Background of club mentions a TON of relevant people. https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2023/06/how-delilah-became-unofficial-sanctuary-for-the-rich-and-famous
Apparently no phones allowed, maybe unless you’re considered family. https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/video/kanye-west-drake-more-flock-new-west-hollywood-hot-spot-delilah-thr-eats-952265/
Vegas Articles- Mentions a lot of h.wood clubs and more attached celebrities. https://hwoodgroup.com/hollywoods-swanky-supper-club-delilah-is-coming-to-the-strip/
Another article with more info. https://www.forbes.com/sites/yolarobert1/2021/06/16/the-hwood-group-is-partnering-with-the-wynn-to-bring-delilah-to-las-vegas/?sh=39362e04c9fe
Miami Article- Discusses the opening of new location and history of club https://www.miaminewtimes.com/restaurants/waterfront-restaurant-and-lounge-delilah-miami-opens-in-brickell-18646289
Some more articles about the previous clubs at 7969 Santa Monica, the owners, LGBTQ community connections, and some sex/fetish clubs that are still operating to this day. This whole section is going to be NSFW. I tried avoiding any direct links to anything super explicit, but I’ll make another warning before the link if I think it’s important enough to post. I can’t promise what you’ll come across if you research further into this subject. Please be careful going on any direct sites tied to any sex related organizations and if you find something sketchy at least read the user conditions on the site before posting or sharing any info. You never know if they’re doing everything by the book, and one of the sites I visited seemed to be trying very hard to download malware on people’s devices. They even mention they can’t be held liable if anything you click on their site happens to give you a virus.
I found that kind of odd considering the rest of the site looked like a p gate researchers wet dream lol. There is always the chance they could just be trolling that exact same crowd. The one thing that made me take it at all somewhat seriously was the fact that the site belonged to a pretty high end location. The owners could also just be quirky, but I’m definitely being more careful to make it clear that my claims are just theories from now on. The way the sub is going lately it couldn’t hurt. One last thing please don’t harass any businesses or people related to them for any reason, even if they seem sketchy. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty and it’s not fair to accuse someone of anything unless you have irrefutable evidence. This is one of the biggest reasons I believe that there is more to the story. I really don’t think Kendrick would have said what he said if he didn’t know at least something for certain.
Ok last thing I promise, another important thing to remember is just because you see some freaky ass shit doesn’t mean it’s illegal. Some BDSM stuff can seem really fucked up to someone who is more reserved or has no experience with these types of kinks and fetishes. As long as everyone is of age, chances are it’s all consensual and no one should be shamed for their kinks. These connections are more for people to see how heavily sex influences Hollywood. Please don’t harass or kink shame some innocent people trying to get their freak on. I know there’s a big gray area here, but it’s always best not to antagonize anybody unless you want to pay to back it up in court. It also makes it fair game for them to do the same to you and things may not always end up going in you favor.
Another article about h.wood and it’s connection to Hakkasan group. Hakkasan is now owned with Mohari which has a massive portfolio of hotels, apartments, yachts, and restaurant groups. https://hwoodgroup.com/the-h-wood-group-announces-reacquisition-of-global-rights-from-hakkasan-group/
https://moharihospitality.com/portfolio/
Warning there is a lot of policitcal incorrectness or generally offensive shit in some of these articles and quotes. Please try to just look at the facts and avoid any anti-LBGTQ language or conspiracies. A ton of different rappers and famous black men have been accused of or have been caught with men or trans women. It really shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but I get why it is for some people. There is no excuse for any type of ignorance and I will gladly remove some of these links if people think they’re harmful.
Club 7969 has a very wild history, and was formerly known as Peanuts. Here are a few more related articles I found aside from the Eddie Murphy one.
An article from 95 about club 7969 https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1995-03-24-ca-46449-story.html
Articles describing area around Club 7969 as a hotspot for trans folk and further discusses a famous hate crime murder in the area. This is still a HUGE issue today. https://la.indymedia.org/js/?v=cont&url=/news/2003/10/86034.json
https://www.advocate.com/crime/2021/11/09/marquiisha-lawrences-death-makes-2021-deadliest-transgender-people
Article going in to the club’s history and some of it’s many name changes. Apparently it used to be a jazz club at first, then it turned into The Pink Pussycat which was apparently super popular with The Rat Pack. I find it interesting some members were known for having some interesting sexual proclivities. After it closed it was bought again and renamed Peanuts, which was primarily targeted towards lesbians for a while. After Peanuts came Club 7969. https://forward.com/life/122322/the-jewish-matriarchs-of-striptease/
An article related to the one above that may have a House of Ebony connection. I honestly can’t understand more than half of it lol https://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/18/nyregion/thecity/18burl.html
Another article mentioning two more clubs previously located at 7969 Santa Monica, this is like five now and some appear pretty kinky. Voyeur came after Club 7969 and was followed by The Box, which became DBA then Delilah. I may be missing some, but I think I covered them all. https://patch.com/california/westhollywood/burlesque-club-to-open-in-former-voyeur-location
Some random magazine saying Voyeur was one of the top five LA party spots. https://www.thefashionspot.com/runway-news/170899-partying-in-los-angeles-top-5-celebrity-hotspots/
Here is an article about Voueur saying it was inspired by the movie Eye’s Wide Shut. Jesus Christ! Stanley Kubrick probably did get killed. http://www.guestlisthollywood.com/voyeur-club.html
Article mentioning political scandal attached to Voyeur club. https://patch.com/california/westhollywood/new-nightclub-going-into-former-voyeur-club
NSFW Only video ever filmed inside the club Voyeur, I thought I was about to watch someone get murdered at first, but it’s just a weird, five minute commercial with tons of boobs. https://vimeo.com/106139205
Articles about DBA which only was open for like two years before it was taken over by owners of Delilah. Apparently DBA was one of the best fetish clubs in Hollywood. https://patch.com/california/westhollywood/new-weho-nightclub-replacing-voyeur-to-be-always-evolving-always-changing
https://laist.com/news/entertainment/the-best-fetish-clubs-in-los-angeles
When I was looking up more about Voyeur, which was also a huge celeb hotspot, a lot of other really sketchy looking results popped up with direct links to current sex clubs. I’m not gonna link any and I’d stay away from most of them besides the SNCTM one that seems to be pretty mainstream knowledge and has a Showtime series dedicated to it. Regardless there probably are a lot of very risky clicks on all these sites.
I advise people to stay away from any direct sites and stick mostly to articles. The LA times has more than enough. Trust me I’m sure some of these sites also contain shit you wouldn’t want to see or have in your search history.
I also found a few links to a couple very well funded, massive swinger groups with tons of connections all over the world. I would hope it’s just a lot of rich and horny old people, but this whole industry tends to attract some unsavory people as well. I never expected this LA sex club rabbit hole to go so deep. It all started with the Eddie Murphy connection.
Articles about a VIP Hollywood sex club called SNCTM. Apparently the founder got blacklisted for revealing Hunter Biden is a member lol no wonder all the republicans want what’s on his laptop! You really can’t make this shit up. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snctm_(club)
The website is Illuminati as hell, also extremely NSFW. How the fuck does a sex cult have m a full product line? The founder’s website also looks like it belongs to a 60’s sex cult. He kinda reminds me of Jared Leto. If this is what they’re willing to show the public I can not imagine how wild shit gets behind closed doors. Apparently, SMCTM hosts events in LA, NYC, Miami, Moscow, Kiev, and other places around the world.
I find the political ties here very interesting. I wonder who else might be a member? Apparently it’s based out of NYC, but it’s flagship club was in LA. Anyone want to start a Gofundme to try and raise a million dollars so someone in the sub can become a Violet Key Benefactor and collect some more dirt? Kidding please don’t. https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a22116662/snctm-celebrity-sex-party/
https://nypost.com/2023/05/20/damon-lawner-founded-sex-club-snctm-it-ruined-his-marriage/
https://www.wmagazine.com/culture/karley-sciortino-sanctum-unmasked-podcast-snctm-sex-club-interview
It reminds me a lot of NXIVM cult with the celebrities that got busted not too long ago. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/NXIVM
Some more popular Hollywood nightclubs that were notorious or very sketchy
Article about Fake club https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2020/01/the-secret-history-of-hollywoods-wildest-club-in-the-1980s
The Chapel in The Abbey is a popular LGBTQ club in West Hollywood that seems to be connected to the culture. https://thepridela.com/2020/01/las-only-known-trans-nightlife-event-just-got-a-little-more-fierce/
An article from late 2023 about the history of the bar https://www.foxla.com/news/the-history-of-the-abbey-west-hollywoods-world-famous-gay-bar
Another interesting article from a few months later about The Abbey’s sudden closing. Good think it only took 17 years of allegations for them to get shut down 🙃 https://19thnews.org/2024/01/investigation-the-abbey-los-angeles/
The Odyssey club’s owner John Nash was allegedly the mastermind behind the Wonderland murders and a huge celebrity drug dealer. He also owned the Starwood Club in West Hollywood, the Soul'd Out club in Hollywood, Paradise Ballroom, the Seven Seas, Ali Baba’s and The Kit Kat strip club. Celebrity dealers are another really interesting rabbit hole to go down as well. https://laist.com/news/climate-environment/laistory-all-ages-dance-club-the-od
Two more articles about the famous Viper Room where River Phoenix died. https://www.thevintagenews.com/2022/04/13/viper-room-closing/
https://www.visitwesthollywood.com/stories/feature-the-viper-room/
NSFW More about all types of fetish clubs and communities in LA https://thekinkytourist.com/the-kinky-guide-to-los-angeles/
One group claims to host a Dominatrix convention at the Hilton near LAX and also claims to have worked with HBO, Netflix, Showtime, Epix, and VH1. “Hotel parties” also seem to be a common trend amongst these very sex-positive communities. Renting out cruise ships and resorts all over the world seems to be common as well. To me this shows they are at the very least well funded and have a global reach. Chances are it’s a bunch of fat, old, married couples who no one would want to watch get down like at The Villages in Florida. It seems like many of the more exclusive ones could potentially have some influential members.
Article about sex club The Vault and it’s celebrity guests including Naomi Campbell. Looks like it’s from an old ass gossip site though so I would do further research. https://www.cinema.com/news/item/2779/stars-secret-sex-club-revealed.phtml
Unfortunately homophobia was always been prevalent in the industry and the source of lots of gossip. It was definitely very prevalent in the rap game in the nineties and early 2000’s. For those who don’t know Ma$e was part of Bad Boy Records. Considering the blackmail allegations against Diddy, and how Ma$e seems to have a vendetta against the guy, I wonder if this info hitting the public had anything to do with him. https://hiphopdx.com/news/id.5241/title.mase-caught-with-a-transvestite
I also stumbled onto the song Disguise by Skepta, it’s super offensive, but weirdly on Genius.com the number one related song is Pi by J. Cole and Daylyt, which has been mentioned on the sub a few times. I just thought it was interesting because it just randomly popped up in my searches while looking into this whole subject. I looked into Skepta and saw he was a British rapper who once did a song with a Nigerian rapper named Wizkid and Drake. It’s funny when you read the Wizkid wiki he also got caught denying a son. Skepta also did a few songs with the A$ap crew including A$ap Bari, who got kicked out of the crew a few years later. Lastly he also did a whole private show with Ye, so he could have connections to the whole blind item thing with the British rappers.
This next section is mostly for education, entertainment, and engagement so free to skip this one, especially if you though the rest was a waste of your time lol
Dolph Theory Continued…
I forgot to add something to my Young Dolph conspiracy in the last post. I find it very interesting that his song “Hall of Fame” came out in 2022, after his death. He also just so happens to directly call out Diddy and Jay Z. Considering the timeline it seems like he died not long after recording it unless it was just part of his catalogue of unreleased songs. He also calls himself “the Frank Lucas of the south” which might have also pissed Diddy off considering who his father is. I attached the lyrics of the first part below.
“Ha, I see you niggas goin' broke tryna keep up with me (I see you)
Bad boy spendin' millions out here like I'm signed to Diddy (it's Dolph)
Showed up plain jane Rolex, had a meetin' with Roc Nation (okay)
But they got 'bout four, five, six rap niggas over there that be hatin' (on God)
But I still fuck with Jigga, tell him I got two million for him (for what?)
To do a verse, and if he don't, I still got love for him (on God)“
In my opinion he’s implying that he’s above both of them and has more power in the south than they do up north. I’m sure neither appreciated the shout out considering their past histories. It makes me wonder if this whole beef with Yo Gotti was started as an excuse to take Dolph out. Hilariously it ended up backfiring and making him even more famous and their own artist look like the bitch he is. That would explain the many broad day assassination attempts following a relatively tame diss track compared to “Not Like Us” or some others in the last. I always loved Dolph because he never had any real dirt come out about him despite his past and long history in the rap game.
Another Disclaimer I’m not super into all of these artists and I know very little about most of their backgrounds. Honestly some of them are pretty corny in my opinion, but seem to connect with a lot of people. Please don’t attack me here, I’ve just been pretty good at finding artists with mainstream potential. I’m getting old and I’m sure it shows, but if you do agree or disagree I’d love to hear why. I hope all of this could possibly lead to changes in the industry that will allow some of these artists to get the attention they deserve. Maybe if Drake isn’t able to manipulate the algorithms and hog the spotlight it will open up some room for new talent.
I also tried making a separate list of as many people I could think of that I see possibly making waves in the future. I tried including artist’s that might not be on everyone’s radar for anyone in the same boat as I am. If you’re a rap fan I’m sure you know the majority though. The list includes some independent, some local, a few underground, and a couple brand new artists who I think are slept on or that might have mainstream potential. The list contains mostly rappers or artists who I consider at least somewhat adjacent to the rap game (they are in no particular order).
That Mexican OT, Key Glock, Peso Peso, Lil Darkie, Lil Boondang, Azizi Gibson, Paris, Texas, Kurffew, Lil Ugly Mane, RXKNephew, Tom the Mailman, ilyTOMMY, Lil Toe, Curtis Waters, ICECOLDBISHOP, 1nOnly, Mick Jenkins, Injury Reserve, Danger Incorporated, Alex Wiley, Finesse2Tymes, Mach Hommy, Navy Blue, 42 Dugg, Teezo Touchdown, AM, TrippyThaKid, MIKE, Chester Watson, Tabby, Shy Glizzy, Jakey, Savage Ga$p, BigXthePlug, Hunxho, Kenny Mason, Billy Marchiafava, Jean Dawson, Daylyt, SpotemGottem, Pooh Shiesty, Victor Internet, Kevin Abstract, KYLE, Powfu, Shrimp, NF, Tiagz, Lentra, Michael Motorcycle, Oh Geezy, L’Orange, Jeremiah Jae, Hoodrich Pablo Juan, Ramirez, Ghostmane, Witchhouse 40k, Kxllswxtch, Haarper, Yunggoth, Dom McLennon, Merlyn Wood, Woodie Smalls, Sniper2004, Teejayx6, Kasher Quon, BabyTron, Polo G, Famous Dex, Felix Flexin, Hemlock Ernst (Sam Herring), 83 Cutlass, Snupe Bandz, Big Moochie Grape, Sikworld, Futuristic, Dash, Hooligan Chase, Freddie Sunshine, Triple One, Roy Blair, OG Maco, Cousin Stizz, Desiigner, Nebu Kiniza, Bas, KAYTRANADA, DRAM, $NOT, The Buttress, Rav, NADA5150, Tierra Whack, Father, IDK, Rich Brian, Lil Wop, Bill $aber, Warhol.SS, Mike Lolli, Lil Tecca, August 08, Rejjie Snow, Princess Nokia, Lil Mariko, Fukkit, Guapdad 4000, Key!, 24kGoldn, Salami Rose Joe Louis, Terror Reid, Ameer Vaan, ITSOKTOCRY, Divine Council, Rob $tone, Hozzy, Yung Scandoo, Clipping., Junglepussy, Kenny Beats, Zack Fox, UnoTheActivist, Hodgy, Left Brain, GERM, Al Wonder, SBTRKT, Gao the Arsonist, Christ Dillinger, BRUHMANEGOD, Armand Hammer, Manny Sanchez, Big Baby Scumbag, Bishop Nehru, Allan Kingdom, Nosaj Thing, Bobby Raps, Earthgang, SadBoyProlific, Milkavelli, Zzz., Lilbootycall, and Higher Brothers if they can improve their English.
RIP Cloudy Nueve, Lil Keed, and Sad Frosty *Update I forgot Injury Reserve broke up after Groggs died. I don’t want to start any conspiracies, but they’re another example of a group that was hit by tragedy when they were possibly on the verge or taking off. I always felt like they could have taken some of the spotlight off of Migos and I know they both recorded in LA a lot around the time. My ex’s brother used to intern at a studio where Quavo and some other QC artists frequented and he said they were all kinda shady. Also another friend of mine with close industry ties has been saying QC was shady for almost a decade now.
And last but not least…Captain Murphy if Flylo hasn’t abandoned the project or rapping entirely and he doesn’t retire first or switch entirely to soundtracks and directing movies. It was released in the form of a 35 minute music video made by Xavier Wulf. Along with the music it includes a step by step guide to becoming a cult leader. I highly recommend it for anyone who enjoys MF Doom or other sample heavy rappers. I won’t include the link because it is EXTREMELY NSFW, but the album/video is called Duality. The version on Vimeo is the full uncensored version, but I’m pretty sure you can find an edited version on YouTube that doesn’t contain the graphic sex scenes.
For those who don’t know Flylo and Kendrick are frequent collaborators. My wet dream collab would be the two of them with Flylo rapping alongside Kendrick. If I could bring one rapper back from the dead to make it a trio, it would without question be Doom. It can’t be AI generated though because we all saw how that went for Drake. On top of that Doom’s wife already lost her husband and son and one of his past collaborators stole all his journals. Last I heard still hasn’t returned them, but I could be wrong. It might be a good thing this collab is no longer possible. I doubt anyone would ever be able to top it in my eyes and even if they did fifty full albums it would never be enough. I’d probably never feel music the same again.
My big three rappers who are still alive include Kendrick, Flylo, and probably Earl Sweatshirt. My big three dead rappers I’d want to see collaborate would probably be Young Dolph, MF Doom, and probably Mac Miller. My alternates would probably be Ye, Bone Thugz, and maybe Tyler the Creator on team Earth, along with Lil Peep, Xxxtentacion, and Juice Wrld on team Universe. Also RIP Lil Bo Weep, the poor girl was clearly a victim of the industry and I think she could have been huge, especially with the Tumblr crowd, if her mental health didn’t get in the way.
Below are some more artists I see being very competitive or marketable in the future. It mostly contains musicians who are already pretty well established, but still not really considered mainstream.
03 Greedo, Jasiah, JID, Khalid, Curren$y, Big K.R.I.T., Oliver Tree, Ski Mask The Slump God, slowthai, Steve Lacy, YG, Jay Electronica, Lil Tjay, G Herbo, Maxo Cream, D4VD, Danny Brown, A$AP Ferg , Action Bronson, Kevin Gates, MadeinTYO, Yung Lean, Thundercat, Cuco, Sheck Wes, FKA twigs, Baby Keem, Jpegmafia, Joey Bada$$, Rico Nasty, Freddie Gibbs, Shakewell, Cordae, Rx Papi, Isaiah Rashad, Flatbush Zombies, Freddie Dredd, bbno$, Yeat, Death Grips, Yung Gravy, Smino, Pouya, Fat Nick, Corbin, Goldlink, BIA, Joji if he starts rapping again and actually takes it seriously.
For my bilingual people I’m not sure how mainstream these guy are outside the states so if any are already major league, retired, or horrible people let me know. Same goes for all the rappers above.
Kaktov, Happy Colors, Santa Fe Klan, Jackson, Gig Yag, Mora, and Big Soto
Some potential producers that I could see making a name for themselves
Shlomo, TNGHT, XXYYXX, Psymun, Giraffage, Getter, NxxxxxS, and Nedarb
Unfortunately I ran out of room for some additional info about Kodak Black, substance use disorders, psychology, and recovery options anyone can use. If anyone is interested I can send it. I know I’m already gonna get shit all the tangents. I also have another in depth essay I recently wrote outlining my conspiracy about the US opioid epidemic. Again I won’t attach it here, but if these type of subjects are relevant or interesting to you I can send it through private messages. I hope some of this knowledge may be helpful to someone struggling or helping someone who’s struggling with their mental health or substance abuse issues.
Last thing I want to talk about is the current issue I’ve seen a lot of people being threatened, doxxed, and harassed. I know how much this can suck, so everyone who has avoided it thus far please be thoughtful about what your posting here. I always try to make it clear everything I post are theories strung together by facts or coincidences. Every single thing I claim that can’t directly be backed up by a legitimate source is just my personal opinion or theory. There are also a lot of ways you can avoid any issue. Don’t be dumb, but also don’t let anyone intimidate into staying silent.
If there are any lawyers in this sub or possibly reading this post, it would be very helpful if you could share some guidelines for what is ok and what to be careful about posting. Most people including myself probably aren’t aware about the specifics of these types of things and what would qualify as defamation vs. what’s protected by free speech. Even if you’re on the other team and here to build a case against a user in this community, if you took a minute or two to share some advice you’d gain a lot of my respect.
If you made it this far I hope you were able to gain something from this little bonus section. If you feel like I wasted your time I apologize, but I did warn you. I encourage people to keep criticism productive or at least keep the trolling to a minimum. Feel free to downvote me to hell, it’s really not important to me and you guys also shouldn’t let things like Karma influence what you share and what you don’t. If you see something good or bad speak up and don’t be afraid of negative feedback. Not everyone is going to agree with everything you say, especially when it’s important. Having the bravery to say it anyway is what separates leaders from followers and often the good from the bad. It may be more important than anyone realizes.
Thanks again for sticking around,
The Randomest Moniker

Nu till sommaren kan jag tänka mig att flera par som väntar på sin första bebis planerar att åka till Gekås och fylla bilen med prylar. Man blir ofta bombarderad med tips på vad man ska köpa. Libero-appen, släktingar, vänner och, värst av allt, i tjej-grupper på Facebook. Allt behövs!
Jag har själv gjort den resan och sen även fått en till unge. Det har fått mig att fundera lite på sakerna man aldrig behövde utan bara var slöseri med pengar. Så för en gångs skull tänkte jag att vi kan samla ihop en lista på saker som är onödiga.
Andningslarm - Krångligt att få på plats och funka. Man kommer ändå sova så lätt att man kollar till bebisen hela tiden. Inte säkert att det förhindrar plötslig spädbarnsdöd. Det finns andra sätt att förhindra det. Hittade en artikel när jag skulle kolla upp priset. Kostade 800 på Gekås då, ca 1200 på andra ställen nu.
Baby Monitor - Vi köpte en enkel som kopplar upp sig via Bluetooth. Minns inte priset, men antagligen strax under tusenlappen på Gekås. Funkade bra att ha som första förälder så man kan titta till barnet utan att behöva gå in i rummet. Dock slutade skärmen fungera efter ett tag om man inte hade sladden i. Sist jag var på Jollyroom såg jag att de hade en för flera tusenlappar. Det här känns för mycket som att sälja rädsla. Till andra ungen köpte jag en vanlig övervakningskamera från Kjell för några hundralappar. Kan bugga lite ibland med notiser eller om man ska kolla hela tiden, men räcker gott och väl för att gå in på telefon och kolla om ungen är vaken om man hör något.
Panda-kudde - Använde den knappt. Och om jag minns rätt sa även BVC att det är bättre utan.
Bärsele - Praktisk om man väl använder den så det här kan såklart skilja mellan folk. Jag hade hellre vagn. Så med tanke på hur sällan den användes och kostnaden skulle jag säga nej. Tror den på Gekås kostade 1500, verkar gå lös på runt 2k annars.
Nappar - Tänkte på det sist jag var på Gekås. Napparna var faktiskt billigare på Willys. Dock bara med en femma, och det kan såklart ändras.
Twistshake barnmatsberedare - Testade att göra egen mat och sen göra i beredare och lägga i deras egna klämmisar man sen kan diska. Visst, det funkar. Men man kan lika gärna laga mat som vanligt och mosa med gaffel. Inget fel på att använda barnmatsburkar heller. En sådan Välling/Ersättningsmaskin som Baby Brezza har jag aldrig haft men hört gott om, så det tänker jag inte säga något om.
Kort och gott är det mesta saker som man kanske använder första halvåret. Sen kommer man inte röra det igen. Den tiden går så fort ändå så oftast hinner man knappt använda det. Med andra ord slöseri med pengar.
Testade att lägga det här i swedishproblems först men mod gillade inte det. Tänkte att problemet var att man som svensk vallfärdar till Gekås och spenderar mer än nödvändigt, men jag hajjar att grunden i tråden blir allmänt snack. I den tråden nämndes även kläder, som jag absolut håller med om. Det är mycket kläder men knappt hinner använda. Kläderna är däremot väldigt billiga på Gekås. Ibland har de även utförsäljningar med riktigt bra pris. Och det är såklart svårt att veta storlek när man är ovan.
Vad finns det mer som är onödigt?

I know this title is WILD but hear me out. Literally 90% of my TikTok ads are women’s shape wear, bras, ‘boob serum’ (whatever the hell that is), etc. it’s not even really stuff that’s more gender neutral, just specifically women’s stuff.
I don’t know why TikTok gives me these ads?? Especially when I’m always watching other trans guys TikTok’s.
At first I just brushed it off, but now I’m getting uncomfortable? Like I mean this in the kindest way, I feel weird scrolling onto a video that says something like “GIRLIES 🤭 you NEED to try out this bra” like no?? I don’t?? Please stop???
Does anyone else have this problem???
(Btw my gender is set to male on TT)

The snap from today where she’s standing in her bedroom with the red romper + shrug long sleeve top thing + sunglasses. She’s standing there with her hands on her hips. Anyway, I thought it looked off, so I screen recorded it. When you zoom in and play the video, you can see the curtains on the right of he where they meet her hips becoming blurred/ moving, and on the left side, when she leans to pose, you can see where it blurs under the bra area/ the top part of her left hip area.
Why did she go so far out of her way to try to convince us that she doesn’t edit or use filters.. while also using filters.
BYE ALYSSA YOURE SHAPED LIKE A SQUARE BODY FORD OL SPONGEBOB ASS KNOBBY KNEE ASS BITCH

we all know some of the tasks and bounties in the game suck ass, so here’s my ideas for alternative ones
TASKS:
KOKONA: instead of the whole “ugh my uniform is too tight” thing, i think we could go back to the whole her dad is broke right now and needs to pay his debts, so it could be either helping her earn some money by selling things, or giving her money outright. also, for a kizana week specific task, it could be to talk to kizana and praise kokona to her to get kizana to like her more.
SAKI: the bra task is awful. i think something cooking club related, or helping her make a gift for kokona would be better.
RAIBARU: i know raibaru doesn’t have her own task, but i think one like going and getting something for her so she wouldn’t have to leave osanas side would work.
BOUNTIES
TOGA: i don’t want him to be depicted as a pervert in any way honestly 😭 i think if you took a picture or video (if that is ever made possible) of him just walking around school aimlessly would work. i headcannon that he’s told his parents he’s a part of a club, or at least knows what he’s doing in life and is spending his time in school working on that skill. if info chan threatened to send that video or photo to his parents that would be a good bounty.
HORO: again, i hate the pervert thing 😭 i think if you somehow rigged the console to break and took a picture of horo standing by it as it was broken, info chan could use that as leverage and threaten to tell the school it was him who broke it, since i assume it’s an expensive system.
if you guys have any other ideas pls lmk !!

By: Steven Zilberg
https://schizopoet.blog/2024/05/29/day-in-the-life-of-steven-the-schizophrenic/
—
This experience is of my own. I don’t speak on behalf of anyone nor a group of people. What I struggle with might be similar but schizophrenia is different for everyone. I hope this post and video educates those who wish to know more about schizophrenia.
On any given day, I might wake up at 3am or 10am. Depends how well the trazadone has worked. Secondly, it depends on how loud, annoying, and obscene the voices are; I might try to lay in bed and ignore them, but it never works.
You are worthless You are a bitch You cant be loved You are broken You are nothing You are pathetic You are ugly You are dangerous
I have to get up sooner or later. I force myself out of bed. Voices rumbling for attention. I might be one of the few who hallucinate visually and auditory at the same time. Most schizophrenics have one or the other but for me they both appear at the same time (as of late). I wake up and find visitors in my room. Xavier has been with me since the start of my illness. She dresses like the lead actress in the movie Pretty Woman. She walks the red-light district during the hours I am sleeping.
When she shows up, I know it is going to be a party. She’s 5 foot 7 inches. Caramel brown skin. Black lipstick. Perfectly wavy hair down to the middle of her back. Pristine figure. She’s a bitch though. Always trash talking. Aggressive. I wake up to Xavier every morning. As I get dressed, brush my teeth, and take my morning medications.
My morning routine consists of getting coffee at Midnight Suns Cafe. Michael I would describe as Steve Erkel. He meets me in my booth every morning. Voices still present but Michael is one of the few good ones. He attempts to keep me in the present. It doesn’t last long due to Xavier pushing him over and taking his place. Feet on the table and legs spread trying to receive as much attention as possible.
I order my coffee. As I return to the table Lita appears. She’s argumentative and two-faced. She’s just a step below Xavier when it comes to the ‘bad ones’. Lita wears black high heels, business skirt, with a white unbuttoned button up, and a red bra.
I am trying to focus on my coffee. You can imagine with the voices, Xavier, Michael, and Lita it could be difficult. Xavier and Lita are very good at making sure Michael stays silent. They do a good job. During my coffee time, I usually sketch, write, or read.
The next part of my day depends on several factors. Friends. Am I invited to hang out with anyone? Lunch? Dinner? Game night? Painting? Thrifting? Any of these options include my voices and the three stooges following along. For example, let’s say I was invited out for grocery shopping by a friend of mine. We enter Fred Myers all five of us. I try my best to concentrate on my friend and not my schizophrenia. We place fruits and veggies in our cart. Xavier is playing with cucumbers and imitating the act of pegging. Lita has grabbed a couple bananas and is showing off blowjob skills. Michael is following next to me helping me concentrate on my friend.
It is rough to go about life with so many distractions. As my friend and I check-out, Xavier and Lita are yelling and screaming for attention. My hallucinations are calling me every despicable name they can think of; this would be an example of a routine afternoon for myself.
Now for the evening, this also depends on if I am invited out or not. We will say I was invited out by two friends for dinner. We decide on eating at MyThai because they are one of the best Thai places in town. We are sitting at a table the three of us. My voices are going haywire and are trying to distract me. Xavier, Lita, and Michael are sitting at three different tables surrounding our table.
They don’t like you They pity you They are just going to use you They are going to leave you like everyone does
Attempting to eat dinner while distracted by so much noise. Now imagine working, how hard it would be to battle Xavier and Lita on a daily basis? Damn near impossible. I used to be younger. Times when I was able to handle some of or most of my schizophrenia but now that I am older, I just don’t have the brain power (or will power).
Now that dinner is over, I am on my way home after saying goodbye to friends. It is 8pm. Sun still up in Anchorage. I can’t go to bed it is too early. Xavier and Lita have shutdown Michael. He was gagged with a pair of Xavier’s panties. Xavier and Lita invite me to the Broken Blender. It has been a long day of fighting and defending myself. By this time, I am tired and exhausted. I agree to a few drinks.
I knock back a few Modelos. I get it. No one wants to talk to me. No boy. No girl. I am schizophrenic. I don’t blame them. Xavier and Lita are dancing on the bar half naked. I return home around 9:30pm. Voices running rampant. Michael has been ungagged. He checks on me. Makes sure I am alright. I get to my room. Brush my teeth and take a shower. I take my medications as prescribed. Sadly, it doesn’t help as much as I want it to; Xavier and Lita hang back by the door. They are proud of themselves. Michael tries to soothe my anxiety. Xavier and Lita walk over to my bedside.
it is time to sleep bitch tomorrow is going to be fun just you wait maybe we will get you to kill yourself no one will miss you you are a pathetic little bitch
I eventually fall asleep despite all the noise. Xavier, Lita, and Michael are just three of the many visual hallucinations I have named. I have been told that I shouldn’t name my hallucinations because it gives ‘life’ to them, but I don’t know what else to do if they seem so real. This is what I experience on a daily basis. This is why it is almost impossible to function ‘normally’. This is why it is nearly impossible to work or to ‘date’. I hope this helps you understand schizophrenia a little bit more.

mentalhealth #mindfulness #spirituality #schizophrenia #schizoposting #schizophreniaawareness #mentalhealthawareness #schizoaffectivedisorder #lgbtqi #dayinthelife

So I posted something similar to this on the AskTransgender subreddit hoping to get some advice. And in the last few days, I've started spiraling down a hole a lot, and I'm starting to question my identity as a person a lot too. I'd like some advice and help from others here who might feel similarly, or can tell me if how I'm feeling aligns with gender Dysphoria or not.
This is uh also a slight rant too BTW so it's long.
To preface this, I never once stopped to question if I'm a boy or girl growing up. It never bothered me at such an extent, and my personality wasnt too feminine or masculine for the most part I feel, maybe leaning towards more masculine. I liked boy things I liked sports, I liked action, I liked being rowdy, but I also liked being artsy, very caring towards those I live, I preferred just making friends with girls even at a very young age rather than either doing the whole 'Boys vs girls' thing and I never really cared about entering a relationship with one. And I used to always be able to socialise well with both men and women, there was never really a huge difference for me when I was younger. As I got older, I did begin to feel like an outcast but that’s more because I’m a lil weird and no one really vibed with me as everyone matured. But despite that, I never once stopped to question my personality and I was proud of that.
But I never thought of myself as a 'Boy' per se. I was aware I was one, I am still aware I am one right now. But I never really associated my gender with who I was as a person, to me it had no weight on who I was. It was more or less, just an accessory and felt seperate to me. And despite that, All my life I've resented taking pictures and doing video calls. Everytime I looked at mine I always was disturbed because the person I saw wasn't who aligned with my own perception of myself. Everytime I look into the mirror I almost have to stand there and convince myself 'That's me, that's who you are, you ain't that bad'.
There are defintely parts of me I don't like but if I'm being honest, I haven't ever had a vehement hatred of anything about myself. It's not that I consider myself ugly (I don't consider myself a conventionally attractive man. In fact I don't think I ever received a compliment for how I looked, not even family, only jokes and contempt. but it really never bothered me because I know everyone's got a type for something and I truly don't care how I look to other people, just how I look to myself) but it's the fact that the person I see in the mirror, the person I see in pictures and the person I see in video calls just, doesn't align with the person I envision myself as. Everytime I'm away from my my reflection or photo, I don't even know what I look like from memory, and I never envision my body alongside my inner self if that makes sense. And it's confusing it's really confusing for me. Because it's not that it has that dramatic of an effect on me because hey as long as I don't see myself then who cares, but it started to bother me after I started deciding to dress and style myself to try to form that connection. I'd grow out my hair more, try out my own clothes (all still masculine by the way, I never trudged my toes towards feminine clothing), but I just never was able to see who I envisioned. And what's more confusing is, I don't know if it's because of my body or my gender or if I'm over exaggerating it because of having unrealistic standards
But the kicker is that recently, I have had way too much time to myself. And because of all that time, I've done some introspection and I realised, I am someone who:

1. has never cared about their appearance/clothes, just threw on what was comfortable for the longest time. Because in the end I used to never feel like it looked good anyways.
   
2. has never cared about working on myself for others or how my overall face or body looks, because to me i never had a strong enough connection between me and my body to really care about how my body reflects me, because I always used to believe that 'oh my body doesn't represent my personality, people should look beyond it'.
   
3. has always hated photos, video calls, hell even reflections until recently. I built up the mantra over time that 'oh everyone looks bad in front of a camera' but sometimes it physically hurt to be reminded that how I look, is in no way reflective of how I feel.
   
4. realised now, I think I've been jealous of my female cousins (who I am incredibly close with) my whole life. I'm really similar to one of them and I always used to think 'if I was a girl, I'd prolly be like her', except she was much happier and appeared more confident in her attire and body, so I always wondered why I could never be like that. And I've always envied how they could rock their styles so awesomely (which, can I say what in the fuck why do women get a billion options and men get the same flavour of t-shirt and pants with different ranging colours from Navy, Grey and blue? ?), how they could freely experiment with their hair as much as they want, how it felt like they were more in tune to their body than I was in mine
   
5. has been able to disassociate myself from my body a LOT as a kid. I used to think I was doing this for fun, because it was such a weird experience when I was younger. But I used to dissacociate myself from my body a LOT, and I'd be able physically be able to discern myself from my body it felt like a true out of body experience. I never thought about this a lot as a kid, but recently I've started wondering if there's something more beyond that. Because I do have a seperate monologue, I dont associate my body with myself, everytime I look into the mirror there's a minor surprise of 'OH right, that's me' and I have been experiencing this a lot now recently, but out of my control. And come to think of it, I don't even know if I really feel connected to my body at all even during daily life. Because all of my memories feel out of body. Idk how to explain it fully im sorry
   
6. has had some fantasies I'm uncomfortable sharing but I will say, I've researched a bit and even read the Gender dysphoria bible, and I will say that there's a chance those fantasies might be indicative of something too.
   
7. never felt strongly about pronouns and feels like my gender is just an accessory. In fact I used to experiment and wonder when I was younger during covid in other discord servers (I was bored okay) how it would feel to just change my pronouns and act as NB or a girl or she/they, he/they etc. And all, all of them felt equal to me. I didn't mind being called any of them. I thought I'd get like a lil fun joke of 'hehehe I'm going undercover muahahaha' but I kinda enjoyed it at times it kinda felt nice not having a gender tied to myself. It's just me.
   
8. tends to prefer playing women in games. Not just video games, but even TTRPGS (Dnd my beloved). This isn't always the case, I do like to play as the guy sometimes too, and I used to always do it in pokemon games to feel like I was the trainer himself. But these are games I can't really control the design of. So, enter BG3 and DnD. Games largely built on this idea of creating your own custom characters to tell stories and inhibit fun personalities. So yeah anytime I actually got to make my own character in games like these, always women. Like once was it a man, but usually always women. Closest I really got was a shapeshifting genderfluid changling, who also preferred more feminine pysiques anyways. And before I get called out for 'Oh you just are attracted to the bodies of women that's why you like them' youd be partially right, but also all of my Dnd characters I built upon traits of myself, I like to insert a lil bit of me into all of them. And most of those traits I give to female characters because it just feels like it embodies them the best... It feels like it embodies these traits of mine the best.
   
9. I did used to think 'what if I was a girl' every now and then when I was younger up. In none of these thoughts did I imagine myself acting any more feminine than I do now, and never thought about sex change or relationships, but I did think about 'maybe I'd be more comfortable to be in a girls body, because then I'd be able to actually show myself through my hair, style, colours etc as opposed to this one'. Granted, my primary frame of reference was my cousins again. I would never change my personality, I think i actually would've enjoyed growing up as a girl but I dont think I'd act any less boyish than now, but I would feel more comfortable with my feminine traits too. And I'd be so comfortable exploring my style and fashion too. I'd go through them all, goth, street, tomboy, artsy, you name it id try it. And I'd defintely would experiment with my hair as much as I could too because oh my God you women have the most fun hair options ever and then guys just have 'short, short but skin fade, short but it's an inch longer so we call it long, short but it's to the side so it's different, bowl cut'
   
10. I live in the moment. I have diagnosed adhd and I'm starting to suspect maybe a little ASD too. Idk if this will be relevant in the slightest, but because of that I don't really stop a lot to think in the present, nor do I look into the past that much or think about my future too hard. Which has been a detriment to my life at times, and unsurprisingly it's one now, because I feel like all this time, I never really stopped to think about why I never felt that connection, and maybe if it's even normal for there not to be one. So I don't know if this has been a much deeper issue than I thought for years, and I truly an unable to understand how to plan my future with this.
    

And I thought this was just body Dysmorphia. Again I never hated my body outside of being shown it, and if I looked in a mirror long enough I could usually trick myself into liking it. But I used to be very fat, I used to have a really awful looking haircut, I have a huge ass nose and I have a shit ton of body hair that grows back so so fast (and I mean a lot of body hair I do not like it even as a dude), and I've never had clothes that gave off my style, always stuff my parents picked out.
But it can't, just be body Dysmorphia can it? I've taken steps to try to rectify these feelings so I've lost a lot of weight, I've grown out my hair to something I actually like, I've started to experiment with clothes i actually like more. And now when I look in the mirror I see.... A more attractive version of my body. No connection, no me. Just a more attractive version of my body. In fact the only feature that felt like me, was my long, messy, wavy hair, and it's actually the only part of myself I'm extremely particular of now, because it's the only thing I feel connected to. And it's weirdly, the only part the people around me want to change the most. Want to neaten it or shorten it etc.
And that's when I started to wonder. That's when I started to wonder why, after all that work, do I not feel that connection. Why do I still feel weird seeing photos of myself. Why have I started to wonder if I was always uncomfortable in my body, but never understood the reason why. Why is it, that I feel as though women are able to express themselves better than men ever could? Why is it that I feel envious of my cousins at times, despite loving them with all my heart? Why have I begun to wonder, if maybe, just maybe, there's a chance I'd have felt more myself, in a woman's body, than in a mans body.
IDK maybe this isnt a conventional experience that anyone shares, maybe this isn't Dysmorphia at all but I'm hoping to get some perspectives here. Because I don't think I hate being a boy all togrthrr. There are aspects I dislike, sure, but I never out right hated it. But I do feel a disconnect. Hell I don't even like the idea of face revealing to close online friends, not out of fear of being perceived as being ugly, but because I enjoyed being faceless so much since I could envision myself how I wish, without them having a vision of what I actually look like. I know they'd never judge me at all and my closest friends are trans too, so they'd of course would never judge me if I were to show them. But I just, enjoy not having to worry about my body not reflecting me.
Part of me has always thought 'What if I was a girl? What if I had less hair? What if I had a different body type as a boy? What if I had better fashion?would I feel the connection then? Is the connection even that important?' and it never helped that I don't even have any role models that represented me physically in anyway, and it doesn't help that when I try to imagine who I envision myself as now, I can't even decide on what to envision. I wish I had that body connection Because without it, it feels harder to want to show my personality through my body.
And that's the kicker now. I don't know if I wanna commit to either option either??? The ideas of HRT and obtaining a more feminine physique, face and hair sounds amazing. But I would be lying to you if I said I didn't like some aspects of being a boy too. I like the social ease of being a dude, I liked certain parts of me (I would never consider SRS, I like that part of me), I liked the strength and sometimes even my powerful frame and there are some times where I do actually feel comfortable expressing myself as a dude, and I do sometimes see myself in the mirror. but there are times where I think I would've preferred to have a woman's body, and to be able to explore all of the awesome fashion designs, to feel closer to my female friends, to be able to look directly in the mirror at my body and hopefully, see myself. Hell maybe ideally I woulda liked to be just androgynous because then that's pretty much the best of both worlds you’re able to present yourself however you want.
And that's my main fear. My main fear is that I don't know if I'm Cis with just a lotta issues to work through, Trans but too afraid to take the leap, or Bigendegenderfluid, because if I had shapeshifting powers or the ability to switch between genders at will, my God I would be so happy because I like both extremes, but as I am now I am way too masculine to even be able to switch genders to make myself see a female face (I wanna emphase myself because I do understand that you don’t need to pass to affirm yourself, however I'm very critical of myself passing because to me, gender has always seemed like an accessory. Not something that embodies you, but something that reflects you. So I don't want to end up giving myself more dysphoria if I end up failing to recognise myself more).
(This part is new, I just tried this out today) I did try wearing a bra for the first time to see how it felt, and if I’d get any sense of dysphoria or euphoria from it to see if maybe I am trans. But largely? I didn’t really feel anything. It didn’t feel joyous and euphoria but it also didn’t feel wrong, it just was a new interesting experience. So uh, still confused on what’s up then.
I'm so sorry that this became long as hell to read. I don't even think I worded it out half as precisely as I would've liked so I'll write a lil tldr.
TLDR: I don't know if I'm a dysphoric Cis male, a closeted Trans woman, genderfluid/bigender, or just insane at this point. And I'm scared that if I choose to explore outside of cis, I'll get more dysphoria
Any and all questions are welcome. I'd probably be able to explain myself more to one of yalls questions, than try to explain myself here anyways. I know no one can decide their gender but themselves, but I guess I want some perspectives and ideas on if this does relate to trans/genderfluid stories, or if maybe I do need to just do some more introspection.