Background:

I'm a noob ofc, but I feel pretty proud of finally figuring out ways to put together the 4 takedowns that actually clicked for me so far. I learned my breakfalls to the satisfaction of our judo guy. I've experiemented with those "basic takedown/throws" lists and pestered the hell out of coaches and judo/wrestling guys. 4 clicked and I started experiemnting with them. I think I like to attack limbs first because... I have really long limbs. As a taller heavyweight the usual beginner takedowns--hip tosses (ogoshi) and double legs are hard to land. Big level changes require so much setup for me. Against smaller agile people I'm just to slow. Against other big people they're really risky--fuck getting sprawled on and/or guillotined by 220+ lb people. Neck crank city.
So this is what I've got.

From a collar and sleeve grip (ideally high cross collar plus tight wrist control):

1. Take a step back or better yet spin them backwards to get them to take a big step forward with their lead leg.
2. Hook ankle pick (the kind where I hook their foot with my foot to trap it and further off balance them before I reach)...
3. Snapdown with whatever grip I can get while the momentum is fresh.
4. Osoto gari the in the opposite direction I snapped them down.

From a 2-on-1 or if I can at least snag their elbow:

1. Arm drag (supposedly this can be a takedown by itself, but for now I'm just using it force them to shift their weight or step)...
2. Osoto gari from the "front 2-on-1" or "seoi nage grip"--really have to rip this one so they can't recover and work towards my back.
3. Switch to a normal 2-on-1 aka the russian tie. Make sure to lean on their shoulder so keep up the pressure.
4. Kick/sweep their near leg to force it back.
5. Hook ankle pick their far leg.

From a tie up or clinch where I can get good head position

1. Duck under. The duck under seems simple but it's not. There's a lot of nuance to both the steup and follow up I'm trying to work out.
2. Drop ankle pick (the kind where you drop to one knee) on the side I ducked.
3. Drop ankle pick the far leg if they they take near one away. I really only have to move my arm.
4. ??? Double? There's one somewhere around here, but it'll be a while before I start to sense it. The duck is a safer entry than a traditional shot for me and the ankle picks factor in too, but I'm not ready for that yet.

immediate work to be done

1. Practice the duck under, arm drag, and snapdown a lot. They look easy but are not and they are the keys to letting me chain takedowns.
2. Keep practicing grip fighting and stance without hyperfocusing on them.
3. Work my defense.
4. Tighten up the ankle pick and osoto gari mechanics.

stuff I probably need to do in the future but am not worried abt rn

1. Learn a few foot sweeps and other ashi waza. I like the hook ankle pick and osoto lot and using my feet as weapons feels pretty natural.
2. Try out some te waza like tai otoshi.
3. Work on my shots. Even if I don't use them much... A credible fake double can open doors based on my experimentation.
4. Learn knee picks and singles that compliment or expand upon my ankle picks. Sometimes we get one of those by accident anyway.
5. Learn a sacrifice throw.
6. Learn a takedown from the back--mat return, ura nage, etc.
7. Develop a way to attack the rear leg sometimes. Right now I only attack the front leg and that's fine but I'll need to learn sasae or something eventually.
8. Make sure whatever 3-6 takedowns I eventually settle on work gi and no gi.
9. Figure out something for chest-to-chest clinches other than "pummel for an underhook and go for an osoto!".... or at least get good at that move.
10. Try a lifting throw, just for funsies

I had some bumps at work for 2023, but it was generally good. Made some missteps, took accountability. Moved forward. Most coworkers were cool with it, but one sr. team member has made a professional grudge against me. Later, I find out I would then be reporting to this person for all of this year upon our manager leave. We were moved to a new manager hierarchy. The relationship tanked immediately which is how I know it wasn't just me in my head. I was also told they asked that I not speak to the director at all; our manager.
The senior team member tried to push me out twice before. They began the process not even two weeks after our manager left. The annoying part is the senior member makes 10x more mistakes than me, but they have no one reviewing their work so they don't get punished. But I do. Because they can and they get off on it.
Going to the review...
I thought my performance review was good in the beginning... but I got a 12/21, just barely enough for a small 2% raise. I know it has nothing to do with my actual performance. Our old manager had business sense that the coworker was going to be present and gave me a low review to protect the sr. team member's ego and their relationship. The other intent was to also make the sr. team member not feel threatened by me to try to give space for my relationship with the sr. team member to grow...(unfortunately it was non-existent long before). Old manager made sure to list my accomplishments at least; so some of it is documented.
I was told all 2023 that I was doing well. This was also shared verbatim "We are blowing our roles out of the water." in front of our entire team (this makes me confused as to why I got a 12/21). I stayed late. I signed in extra early to support events. I took on and completed additional projects. I supported a function completely outside my role; and well. None of this was reflected in my score. It was just in notes in the unscored section. I chose to not fight it because I'm mentally over the team. I received only positive news for 2023 and then the issues came in like a flurry after our manager left and it's been hard on me mentally. How can I be blowing my role out of the water and get a 12/21??? I feel like a 17/21 would've been more accurate.
This brings brings me to my title. My performance review felt like a verbal warning. I did have to sign my performance review document. I have a copy. I looked over it a few times. I didn't sign anything that was punitive but the message verbally stressed was that they want me to perform better.... (the irony).
I do want to say I was thrown off by two requests to check in after our review. I'm sure the first will be in August. It's 90 days. Standard. The next would be 90 after (but could be 60). Though they gave no hard dates yet. I am confused that as the director was delivering the news, they asked me to consider moving over to another team as they don't want to lose me if I'm open to that. I know this was my sr. coworker's request. It has their name written all over it so to speak. I can't tell if the director was telling me silently to jump ship now and they're giving me room to leave peacefully or if they're feedback was genuine. I don't have a relationship with them because there's never been time.
Here's why I'm making this post:
I'm stressed I'm going to be terminated sooner than what I'm prepared for because I have my lease for just four more months and I have no savings. I'm still snowballing my debt and I'm almost out (next paycheck). I paid a month ahead by accident once (probably a smart thing now) so I have three months left on my lease. I have another windfall coming in July that will bring the renting months down to just two. I am planning on moving back in wit family for a little bit to recuperate savings before a big EOY move to a different state. I'm fed up with where I am living now.
I know when the verbal warning starts, the written one usually comes 90 days after, and then a final warning (depending on leniency), and then term. Should I let them term me? Would it affect my career to be fired from my first full-time job of almost two calendar years?
Most places nowadays only verify title and dates of employment. They don't even touch if you would rehire them or answer if the employee was fired.
Question 1: With a lower than expected score that is not reflective of my actual contributions, should I plan to receive a PIP in August?
Question 2: Should I force them to fire me or move me instead of leaving?
Question 3: Do I turn on my job search now and just find a short temp assignment to gain more experience and get out before my EOY move?
Question 4: Can I last at least for another five months? I feel like it doesn't matter how much I try to improve. It will never be enough for the Sr. Member that has made it their mission to push me out.

A little long, but bear with me! I a tarted a new job last year. It’s in an area that I have wanted to work in since I was a young teenager and that I have the opportunity to get work experience to work towards a career in the same area. Without being too identifying - it’s a very niche area, very very few people would want to work as what I want to do/could cope and there are VERY few opportunities for roles as I live in a small city (moving elsewhere is absolutely not an option). Apart from the work, it’s a small team and I everyone was super welcoming, appreciative of my work and supportive of my desire for another role. My boss has been great and is happy for me to get work experience. I became friendly with one of my colleagues - he’s been super welcoming, supportive and encouraging. Since I told him the role I wanted (he has this role already), he has said he’ll happily train me, that he’ll do anything to help get me there etc. The friendship started becoming fairly flirty, and we started talking lots outside work and hung out a few times. We both went through divorces at the same time, and so I think we clicked. We have become very close. He’s called me one of his best friends, said all sorts of lovely things to me.
The other week, after asking him about something at work we both are involved in, he told me that he didn’t want to train me anymore (that it was offensive to another colleague who recently did not get a permanent position), that I don’t work in the space (that he does and I want to be in), queried did I apply for my job for THAT role or just “to get a foot in the door” (it’s both, which my boss is completely aware of!). I’m a very sensitive person, and I’ve been down as my cat went missing and after a month has not returned. I started crying because I was so so stunned. He didn’t look at me, spoke very calmly and then said he only wants to train people who are of “sound mind” and that it’s “nothing against mental illness”. I was mortified because I had told him in private that I suffer from a mental health illness but no one else at work knew and he said it in front of others.
Since this, he has been giving me the silent treatment. Had not messaged me, refusing to even look at me when we do cross paths at work and ignoring work emails. My sister works in psychology and says he has all the typical signs of some who suffers from covert narcissism. In hindsight he ticks all the boxes. I’m deeply hurt, but am working through it. What I want advice on is - how can I best deal with this? I’m ignoring his negative attention seeking (I noticed he unfollowed me on social media, then removed me as a follower, and when I said nothing he went back to weeks old text messages and removed ‘reactions’ which notify me. I’m not engaging. But work has since become horrible. Thankfully I work in a different space to him, but I still need to go to his space often and it feels very much like the others there are also being a little less friendly. Since he bitched to me for months about almost everyone in our unit, I’m assuming he’s now bitching about me to our colleagues. I’ve read up on covert narcissism and have refused to engage in his negative provocations or confront him as when I once did this before he gaslit me and I ended up begging for forgiveness (about something I didn’t do!). I just want to know the best way to professionally deal with his hostility. I suspect that once someone else does something to piss him off he’ll warm to me again, but if not, I just want to be able to get to a professional/cordial/friendly place.
Is it possible? Or do I just need to ride it out? I feel so angry at myself for falling victim to his crap but I know I’m an easy target - I have a mood disorder, am a major people pleaser, am a single mum and was previously in an emotionally abusive marriage. Work was my happy place for this whole time after being very unhappy in another role. I’ve spoken to my boss about all this (bar the personal friendship stuff) and he’s a great support. But this energy at work is making it hard for me to enjoy going.

Hi everyone! I wasn’t able to find a thread on this scenario specifically, so I figure I post.
My friend/roommate and I have been in conflict with each other for a few weeks now, and it’s sadly not getting any better. I’ve written, spoken and behaved with the utmost emotional maturity I could offer when a friend explains that they are hurt. I’ve been checking in with my therapist to ensure my behaviors, words and actions are in alignment towards secure functioning and the values of healthy conflict throughout. I’ve even begun to us tone indicators for all of my text correspondences since to clarify that there are no hidden meanings behind my words other than the desire to reconnect and set things right with one another.
However, any attempts I make to repair the conflict in genuine earnestness and come to understanding is met with an assumption that I am communicating with ulterior motives, with my words and actions being assigned meaning that does not exist, and that my disabilities (autism is just one of many that I have) are simply being weaponized as selfish excuses and that I just don’t want to admit that I’m wrong, whenever I bring them up as being a factor in the way I am being misinterpreted.
I feel heartbroken, disappointed and exasperated. I don’t know what else to do anymore. And it doesn’t seem like anything I do can fix or address it.
I’m afraid this friendship has run its course, and no attempt to try and get to an understanding with one another will be able to happen. To me, it’s as if she’s made up her mind about what my behavior and actions actually mean, regardless of what I say. And nothing will convince her otherwise of it. I don’t feel safe anymore in this friendship. I feel like anything that I say will just be used to further build up the story in her head that she’s created about me. And that she won’t engage me in good faith.
I would really appreciate some advice on how to navigate this situation move forward from here. I think I could also benefit from some reassurance. This is sad and hard. And just sucks all around. 😞

Losing the one shot is definitely disappointing, however I don't think the character is dead. I know there's been a lot of hopelessness in the Hanzo community, but my aim is to help you guys improve your game so you can still excel on Hanzo and feel like a GOAT. In this post I'm gonna talk about the general playstyle that works for me on Hanzo, and how to adapt your playstyle based on the enemy comp. And at the end I'll put a couple tips for improving your aim.
Hanzo still has some distinct advantages that he can leverage against his enemies. His wall climb is amazing for a medium range hero, considering most other heroes either can't access high ground, or need to commit cooldowns to get there. Storm arrows are an incredibly consistent kill tool at medium/close range. And having a leap every 4 seconds, combined with wall climb, gives you the ability to be just as slippery as you are deadly. And of course, sonic arrow lets your whole team have wall hacks 50% of the time, and on defense, lets you see the enemy comp before they even come out the doors, allowing you to plan your positioning accordingly.
The thing is, most people think that hanzo is a long range hero, but he's really not. The only time you want to be shooting enemies from long range is before the fight to do pressure, get ult charge, and potentially get a pick on any hero that's taken chip damage. It's not about being a goat and hitting long range headshots. It's about proper medium/ close range positioning and proper timing, to make your shots easy to hit.
The way I play Hanzo is as a medium range pressure hero with incredibly high dps. You don't want to hold long range sniper angles on your own, you want to be active in the fight from medium range and use your slippery mobility to take off angles and high ground at opportune moments. Getting kills at close range is incredibly consistent with Hanzo, you just can't expect to get a 5k with headshots only. You want to take an off angle to get a kill or two with storm arrows. Then as soon as the enemies turn to react, use your leap and wall climb to escape.
It sounds crazy but you want to play on a razor's edge of feeding to maximize your damage output. Push in close from an off angle near your tank to get easy headshots and storm arrow kills, but always be one leap away from safety... Whether that's a high ground to climb up to, or just leaping back into your team.
I've also had some success with full committing on a hard flank, but the key is timing. You want to get behind/to the side of the enemy backline shortly after the two tanks clash. When the enemy supports are tunnel visioned on helping the frontline, THATS when you pop around the corner and take your shots on the supports and burst them with storm arrows. Best case scenario, you kill the supports, then the DPS, then finish the tank in a perfectly executed pincer attack. Worst case scenario, you distracted the supports and made people turn to shoot you, while the enemy tank is left with no support in the frontline.
There are times where it's better to just spam from main, and I'd say that's usually when your tank has a distinct disadvantage against the enemy tank and both are fighting in the frontline. Keeping constant pressure on that tank can help sway the matchup into your tank's favor, or at least make space for them. But of course, killing squishies can still carry games.
DIVE COMPS:
The other time to stay in main with your team is when the enemy team has flankers/ dive heroes who can kill you if you are isolated. Generally in those matchups, I just try to focus on hitting shots on the threatening mobile heroes. They won't push you if they're half HP. In these cases, using yourself as bait can be very effective.
Let's say there's an enemy Genji, you should play slightly outside of his dash range while also being near your healers. He will want to dash at you, but he will fall just short of hitting you. Then you can pop your storm arrows, but don't shoot. He will instinctively deflect. Now, suddenly the Genji is in the middle of your team with no dash and no deflect, while you still have a full volley of storm arrows. Similar tips can be used against Dva and Winston as well.
Against Wrecking Ball, it depends. You don't wanna try to kill him, just force him out. If he rolls back to his team, keep putting out pressure. But if he chooses to escape BEHIND your team, try to hit him with a sonic arrow as he's leaving, then you can tell where he's going. It helps a lot.
Against Tracer and Sombra, Keeping tabs on their position is key. Sonic arrow is good to scout flanks. Plag near your team, but DONT PLAY BEHIND YOUR SUPPORTS. Play in front of them. The ideal scenario is that they target one of your supports, then you can turn and shoot them while they're tunnel visioned. Your burst damage is high enough to often kill them, or at least enough to force them to run away and reset. When you do force them away, try to estimate how much time you have before they come back, and use that time to apply pressure to the frontline.
But let's say you werent able to scout them, and don't know exactly where they are, but you know they're lurking somewhere. Take a shot at the frontline and then do a 180. Literally check the flank after every shot. Good flankers generally wait for you to be distracted by the frontline before they pounce. By shooting the enemy tank and doing a 180 turn, you can keep applying pressure while still being able to react to the flank at a moment's notice.
This last tip is SUPER risky but it works sometimes. Sometimes when I'm facing a Dive comp or lots of flankers that are rolling me, I will actually flank as Hanzo. I will hide in a concealed area behind the enemy team and then when I'm confident that the flankers are in my backline, I'll start attacking the enemy backline. The reason this works sometimes is because when you're facing flankers, they will be lurking around YOUR backline. But if you're lurking in THEIR backline, you're essentially on the complete opposite side of the map from them and they'll have no clue. This is a strategy that pro players called "trading backlines". If the enemy flankers are going to kill your backline anyway, you may as well target their backline too. After all, Dive comps don't usually peel for their own backline, they commit to killing yours. This works especially well when they're hard targeting you specifically. The last place a flanker expects to find you is in their own backline.
POKE COMPS:
The name of the game is map control. A big mistake Hanzo players make is trying to ego duel hitscans from long range, banking on hitting long range shots to win. Straight up, don't do that. It's ok to aim for hitting one body shot to keep them in check or force them off their angle. Sonic arrow also helps deter them from peeking those angles. But the way you beat those long range heroes is getting up close and dumping storm arrows into their face. I will literally get close enough so that I could literally leap into their face and melee them to finish them if I wanted to. 3 storm arrows is 225 damage, to body shots or one headshot is 240, so getting leap-melee finishers is actually very useful. I KNOW it sounds crazy to play this close, but I urge you to challenge your beliefs about Hanzo. Your damage output is so high that you will beat pretty much every long range hero up close. Storm arrows are ridiculous. Though medium range storm arrows are fine if they're unaware of you or have cover to escape to.
Against Ashe, just remember that you have plenty of ways to delete Bob. Headshots while jiggle peeking from cover, or storm arrow headshots, or even using dragonstrike to melt him if he's near the enemy team.
And against widowmaker, use your sonic arrow to scout her specifically. If she's bad, she'll stay scoped in and let you line up headshots. If she's good, she'll hide for 5 seconds or take a new angle. This means you can push up while she's given up the angle.
Against poke comps, you know that you're always safe in cover, because they have no flankers. So as long as you're controlling the angles and bullying the enemy off of their angles, you will win over time by controlling all the space and winning the objective.
BRAWL COMPS:
Brawl comps are generally slow and tanky, and usually only good at close range. And many of the brawl heroes have big hitboxes, making it easier to hit them from further away. Hanzo LOVES playing against slow brawl comps. With your mobility, you can bully them from angles where they can't even contest you. Even if you don't get kills, you can farm ult so fast that you can zone them off the objective with dragons and do tons of damage to their clumped up team. Just don't spend too much time focusing the tank, because if they have lots of healing you probably won't kill them. Though you can still pressure the tank to make them fall back to buy space for your team.
RUSH COMPS:
Rush comps are kind of a hybrid between dive and brawl, and so many of the tips for both will apply. You want to put out lots of pressure, and take off angles when you can. BUT!!! You need to rotate back to your team sooner than you normally would. You might think you're safe from a decent range on an off angle, but a Lucio speed amp or Junker Queen shout, Rein pin, or Moira fade can let them rush you down much faster than you'd expect. Don't get greedy on your off angles, and dont expect kills. Even just hitting a shot or two to bait out defensive cooldowns like Shout, Wraith form, etc can lower the enemy team's lethality and make them hesitant to rush. If a rush comp gets a numbers advantage, they can pretty much run your team down for free. So don't get greedy.
Also, the baiting tip works well with rush comp too. If you're playing near your team, you can be in the front just behind your tank and bait the enemy team to rush you, and then you can quickly leap away and climb to high ground. Now, you're on high ground above a ground-based comp that just wasted resources to push you. You simply need to watch your spacing and use your slippery movement to dodge the rush. Just remember to play in sight of your healers incase you do take some damage.
People HATE Hanzo to a degree that is completely irrational, and they will literally feed their brains out to try and kill you. You can use that to your advantage. He has the mobility and burst damage to slip out of arms reach and burst them down, making them even more tilted, making them feed harder.
HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR AIM:
A HUGE tip that I've barely heard anybody talk about it a really simple one: Don't focus your eyes on your crosshair, focus your eyes BELOW your crosshair. Essentially you just aim at head height but focus your eyes on the enemy's body. Because it's much easier for your eyes to track a moving body than a moving head. Once I started doing this I noticed an immediate difference.
My personal favorite way to warm up my aim is a custom workshop code for an improved practice range: AJERA
Before every session, I go to the area by the roaming bots, and press interact on the blue orb near the ledge. It will spawn a flying Pharah bot. Then I climb up to the various high grounds and practice shooting Pharah from different ranges. Its hard at first, but once I can hit shots on her semi consistently, then I know I'm ready to queue.
And for practicing close range consistency, the central area has an orb that spawns a Lucio bot who jumps around and wall rides within an enclosed area.
The custom practice range also has a blinking Tracer bot to practice on, which is nice.
The only thing it's missing in my opinion is a jumping Genji bot, but there are other custom codes that have those like VAXTA, which is also good.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading! I hope these tips are useful for you. I know a lot of people are choosing to boycott Hanzo, and I respect that. But for me, I want to keep playing him and prove that he can still carry.
Now get out there and make your enemies tilted. ;)

You..should reject me, this is wrong, I rasp out between his powerful thrusts, wanting to push him away but my wolf is totally against it, making my body betray me and becoming even more welcoming to him by squirting in abandon. Calhoun's sweaty brow raises in amusement as he hooks my legs around his hard, naked waist, we were made mates for a reason, I cannot throw that away, I don't want to hurt my mother, not anymore .. my last word ends up in a quivered moan because he is going at a full speed now, making my eyes travel into the back of my head. No, this is wrong! You already started hurting her on the night you parted those legs for me, Calhoun voice supress my moans as he pounds hard into my dripping wet honeypot. *** It all started the night I turned twenty-one. I was dared by my friends to hook-up with a total stranger. Tipsy and determined to be a badass, I approached the most powerful man in the club and had hot steamy sex with him in the back seat of his car. The following day, I traveled for my mom's wedding and came to find out that the stranger I hooked up with is to be my stepfather. And as if that isn't enough, we are mates. Read more

I finally got my surgery! It was on Thursday not Wednesday though, I was just super nervous in my last post. The anesthesia wasn’t as bad as I thought, but definitely not something I’d like to do again if I can help it lol. Had draining tubes in after surgery and gagged so much when the nurse pulled them out. Not that they hurt, it kinda did and it was uncomfortable though, not the most painful thing.
I’ve vommed (safe words to prevent anyone with word triggers) for the last three days straight, only when I look at my chest though but they still look rough right now since they’re fresh which is why I think it makes me sick. I had an intense hot flash today while my mom tried to help me shower. I could only rinse my back with cooler water since even lukewarm water felt too hot. After sitting In front of a fan, I’m feeling better but still tired. I’d love to answer questions if there is any, or some advice since it’s only day 2.!!

All right here it is finally, thank you all for your patience and let's hope chapter 5 is a little more expedient. As usual I hope you enjoy and would love to get everyone's thoughts.
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4: Memory transcription subject: Zeak, Harchen orphan, citizen of the Venlil Republic. Date: standardized human time July 13th 2136.
The sky was a roaring mass of fire and pungent black smoke that choked out the light of the sun. As I ran down the street, green blood flowed like a broad shallow river. It splashed up with every step I took, sticking to my scales, the smell of it made me feel sick. As the piercing wail of the emergency sirens seemed to grow louder and louder with every step I took making my ears ring and filling my head with a thunderous pain. My heart pounded, my lungs were on fire, and my legs felt like they were made of lead.
A herd of towering blurry figures appeared out of nowhere and ran past me, some almost knocking me down. In their panic they began to look more like crazed wild animals than people. I cried for help but they couldn't hear me. I waved my paws then grabbed one of them a male Venlil, tightening my grip with all the strength I had hoping this would get his attention. He threw me off like I was trash, less than trash. I turned around and continued pleading for anyone to help me, reaching out for others. But their frantic idiot eyes looked only straight ahead and not down, never down, as the herd passed me.
I turned back around and continued to run, blood splashing up soaking me all the way to my knees. I stumbled, my legs were so tired I could barely stand, and I fell down catching myself, plunging my paws into blood as deep as my wrists. I felt myself scream but I couldn't hear it over the ringing in my ears. A scrap of paper gently floated past me, a single word written on it that echoed in my mind “Weakling.” It passed and four more took its place, “Coward”, “Liar”, “Oath breaker”, “Murderer.” I screamed in rage and slapped the pieces of paper aside, blood splashing onto my snout, but the meanings of those words remained. Getting back up I stumbled forward, and fell down again. Then with an effort born out of sheer desperation I managed to stand again lurching forward. My legs were too tired to run but I had to keep going, I had to save them. Or at least her, please Protector if you're listening please let me save at least her.
It felt like I was searching for an endless time. Lurching forward, stumbling, falling down, getting back up, lurching forward once more. Eventually I saw it and my heart fell into the pit of my stomach. My family's car was turned over on its roof, the driver's side had been caved in. It was engulfed in fire and thick black smoke that rose up into the sky. I struggled forward and when I reached it I collapsed, my knees hitting the hot pavement. The smell of burning metal and something else I didn't know assaulted my senses making my stomach turn. Every muscle in my body begged me to run away. Calling out their names l looked inside, and a wave of nausea and horror flooded through me.
I turned away and vomited, then reached up with my blood soaked paws and covered my eyes. Those words thundered in my head making me think it was going to burst open, as hot tears welled up. “WEAKLING! COWARD! LIAR! OATH BREAKER! MURDERER! MURDERER! MURDERER! MURDERER! “I'm sorry I'm sorry, I should have stayed, I should have helped. Why did I run?” I wailed, still unable to hear myself. Someone rested a delicate paw on my shoulder, and the world went quiet. As the pain in my head melted away.
My eyes snapped open and I was greeted by the gentle ringing of my alarm. In a rush of adrenaline I leaped out of bed not even bothering to wipe the sleep out of my eyes. Running out of my bedroom and down the narrow hallway towards the living room. Convincing myself It had all just been a horrible, horrible nightmare and everything was alright. Mom and Dad would be fixing breakfast, Dad softly singing a Harchen folk song while making something savory and delicious as mom sang along in harmony, preparing something special for my baby sister Naila. Oh yes and Naila, she would probably be sitting on a cushion in the sunny part of the living room. Holding her crooked tail, a birth defect which my parents said could be fixed when she was older. And making excited chirping noises at my arrival, while sunlight shone against her emerald scales. I loved my baby sister, I knew other kids resented having a younger sibling. Dismissing their responsibilities and spending less time with their family and more with their friends. I never once felt that way, the moment Naila hatched I devoted every spare minute I had to her. Finding music that would help her fall asleep, watching over her when my mom needed a break. Excitedly telling her about the day's events and what I learned at school, especially what I learned in computer science which was my favorite class.
“Mom! Dad!” I yelled bursting into the living room. “I just had the worst…” My voice trailed off as I was greeted with nothing “dream.” My heart tightened painfully in my chest, as I frantically ran through the house throwing open every door, knowing that they had to be here somewhere. They were just playing a game on me that was all, a game I would tell them I didn't appreciate. After the final door had been opened and no one was there to yell “Surprise!” My body slumped and I felt heavy as reality set back in, and the memories of what happened hit me like a hammer. I made my way back down the hall to my room, tail dragging behind me as I crawled back into bed. Wrapping myself tightly in a blanket, trying to find some comfort.
It must have been hours I lay there feeling numb all over, wishing I could get up the energy to just cry. I think I might have fallen asleep at one point. If I did it was a dreamless sleep, thank the stars for that. Eventually I did get up, sitting cross-legged on my bed, resting my chin in my paws, staring holes into the wall. I took a deep breath and side numbly looked out the window, searching for anything to distract myself with.
It was overcast, and eerily quiet. The emergency sirens had stopped blaring yesterday mere hours after everyone had gotten to the bunkers. The bodies of the dead had already been collected and their blood cleaned from the pavement. So as to not attract any predators into the neighborhood. I saw my neighbor A'shul was home, his white vehicle was sporting some new dents. I wondered, when he got into his vehicle yesterday morning and drove to the nearest bunker; did he try to help anyone? Or was he thinking only of himself? I suppose it didn't matter really. Nothing mattered.
I turned my head away and looked around my small room taking in everything, every trinket, misplaced item, my old second-hand desk, a big green crackle finished monster. Better suited for a Venlil than a young Harchen, heck I needed a stool just to use it. I had gotten it for basically nothing about a year ago, when the local extermination office was getting rid of their old furniture. All it took was a small bribe and they put it in my bedroom when no one was home. My parents, but especially my mom we're not happy when they saw it the next day. They would tell me at least once a week that It was too big for me and they were going to get rid of that eyesore. “Wouldn't you like something a little more modern dear?” My mom would ask, practically pleading for me to say yes. I used to pray that my parents would just shut up and stop bugging me about that stupid desk. I thought it was great, it made me think of private detective Bal from the exterminators show. Bal was a no nonsense Harchen who was so often pivotal in tracking down the predator or predator diseased person. My desk was very similar to his and that's why I wanted it. But at that moment, I would have given anything to hear those words again.
On the desk there was an ornate wooden box, with a fruit tree in full bloom delicately carved into its lid. There were also scuff marks where it had been dropped, and a deep crack running down the center. It was known as a blessing box, Naila's blessing box to be specific. When she hatched nearly ten months ago the whole neighborhood had been invited to come and write a blessing on a scrap of paper and put it in the box. I had written one too, not a blessing but a promise, a promise I couldn't keep. The belief was that if kept near the infant, the combined power of all those blessings would keep the hatchling safe until their first birthday. Where on that day the box would be set on fire and burned to ash. Releasing those blessings back into the world so they may protect someone else. It was an old tradition and not commonly practiced anymore, but as my dad always said “It is important to keep the old traditions alive my son. Both in song and action.” I remember asking him why? And he looked at me like he had been waiting for that question for a long time. “Because” He said, his tail moving with authority. “Someday when you lose your way, and you don't know where to turn to. You will always have something to guide you back to your center.”
Looking away from the box not wanting to look or think about the damn thing, I shifted my gaze down to my bedside table. There was a little holographic projector showing pictures of me, Mom, Dad and Naila on holiday back on Fahl, the Harchen home world to see family. I was born and raised on Venlil prime, so I didn't really know any of my extended family. There was a picture of my mom and Naila sleeping at the beach. Naila’s crooked tail coiled around mom’s arm, their scales a deep emerald in the light of the sun. The picture changed to me and Dad putting the finishing touches on a sand skyscraper taller than him. I had to sit on his shoulders to place the last bucket full of sand on top. Both of our scales were as blue as the ocean. My tail flicked sadly thinking of that day. I reached over and turned the holo protector off.
My holopad lay next to me flashing, alerting me to an urgent message. I hadn't really looked at my holopad since yesterday morning. Picking it up I tapped the flashing icon. It was an official government statement signed by Governor Tarva herself, saying that the humans Noah and Sarah were peaceful explorers, and that they only wished to be our friends. ‘No, that's impossible, they’re predators. Predators don't want peace, they want to conquer, kill and eat us,’ stunned and confused I kept reading. The rest of the message stated that the two human scientists were completely unaware there was intelligent life of any kind on Venlil prime. ‘No! Lies! Predator lies!’ I yelled inside my head. Something hot began to form in my chest as I read the last bit. Governor Tarver had shown the two predators footage of the Arxur torturing Venlil pups. It said that the humans were capable of empathy and felt deeply saddened and angered by what they saw. They vowed to do everything in their power to get their united nations into the war against the Arxur.
I scrolled all the way down and what I saw stopped me cold. Standing in her office being flanked by General Kam, stood Governor Tarva. Beside them looming over the two Venlil one bigger than the other, both of them covered in some sort of protective suit. Their faces were obscured by dark visored helmets. It said that the larger of the two Noah was male, and the smaller one was Sarah female. Sarah had her hands clasped in front of her, while Noah kept his to his side. Neither were acting threatening, and neither Tarva or Kam looked to be harmed in any way.
Something in me snapped, that hot thing inside my chest erupted and I could feel my scales turn black. I very carefully set my holopad down beside me, then I uncrossed my legs and got out of bed. I stood there in the center of my room shaking slightly, feeling terribly calm as white hot rage flooded my body, spreading to my paws and all the way out to the tip of my long tail. It never had to happen, the panic, the stampede, the death, we could have stayed home and avoided those people. ‘No… no not people,’ a bitter thought came over me. ‘They're not people at all, people stop and help, like that Venlil girl Kayleik, she was a person maybe the only one. But the rest of them were just wild animals, masquerading as sentient beings. ‘Do you really think you're any better, coward?’ Some internal voice said.
A sudden impulse took control of me and I grabbed my desks stool and hurled it against the wall. It dented the wall and bounced off still in one piece. Enraged, I leaped forward grabbing it by the legs, then turned around and slammed it into my desk. The sheet metal dented and the green crackle finish paint flew off, but the stool made of good dense wood from the string fruit tree stayed whole. “DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM!” I screamed, slamming the stool down again and again, my tail whipping wildly, striking the bed and the floor. The tip of my tail began to hurt, which only fueled my anger. Finally I heard cracking and wood began to splinter off. They didn't have to die, we could have stayed home. The muscles in my shoulders burned and my heart pounded as hot tears began to well up. I brought it down one final time narrowly avoiding the blessing box, and the stool broke in two. I hurled the pieces away from me, one slamming into the corner the other crashing through the window.
I leaned against the desk catching my breath as tears flowed freely. ‘Well that definitely showed them didn't it. Hey I got a great idea! Let's go break some more stuff, that will definitely make you feel better. Idiot!’ That internal voice said all coldness and bitterness. As I cried, the burning in my chest cooled, and I was filled with the same numbness as before. After a while my stomach growled, reminding me I hadn't eaten since yesterday. I moved sluggishly out of my bedroom and went straight to the kitchen, quickly grabbed some fruit and left to go and watch the view screen or something. The moment I entered the living room, memories came flooding back. Mom and Dad laughing, Naila sleeping peacefully, the lingering aroma of breakfast, and the warmth of our home. But now it was all gone and I was alone. For the first time in my life, I had no one to go to.
It was right then I realized I couldn't stay here anymore. This place felt like a tomb, all cold and filled with the memories of the dead. Besides, if I stayed here someone would eventually send the authorities to come and get me. Ship me off to an orphanage, foster care or maybe to my extended family back on Fahl. I balked at the idea of being forced to live with people I didn't know or trust. Memories of yesterday's stampede invaded my mind and I shuddered. I couldn't trust any of them not anymore. No, there was one person I could think of that maybe I could trust. Turning around I went back to my room, found my backpack and grabbed my holopad, the blessing box, the holo projector and my blanket stuffing it into my pack. Then I went to the kitchen and filled my pack up the rest of the way with dried fruit and vegetable snacks. With my backpack looking like it was going to burst I shouldered it and made my way to the front door. When I rested my scaly paw on the door handle I stopped and looked back at the place that was once my home. “Goodbye” I said in a shaky voice, knowing this would be the last time I would never set foot in this house. With my head low I opened the door and stepped out, into the dim light of a new unfamiliar world.

This whole concept seems strange to me and honestly the more I learn the less certain I am about where I stand. When I close my eyes I see black. Like so black that I see colors? My eyes cannot find rest and they fidget. The blackness is so consuming that my mind cannot conjure images. I cannot see though the blackness. With that being said I can create a 3 dimensional sandbox that I can control. So much control in fact that I can feel it. Like the trade center… thousands of degrees and people jumping from a building to their death. I can feel the acceptance or maybe it’s a futility. I can feel the quick sense of pride associated with having the courage to take a leap and the regret. I can imagine looking over at what in my minds eye is a blonde Aged women who is struggling to come to terms with the leap. She is pressing on her phone screen harder than necessary.she is Frustrated that her facial recognition is struggling to identify her trough the smoke. I see her make a call and then my mind jumps to the call not being picked up. You can see on her face that she realizes that this is it. In my mind I’m only feet away from her but she’s in her own world. The flames roaring and the sound of metal bending and crashing no longer seem to matter. I can see the hope and life leave her eyes as she gets that stare that I have when I’m picturing this. And then I can make the life return. All it takes is for her phone to start ringing. That is th part That I get stuck on. I can see myself grabbing her hand and without saying a word guiding her to the window and making eye contact not only before the leap but I can picture her eyes all the way down. I can picture gabbing her by her shirt and dangling her over the window. I can assign two reactions to this. One of annoyance at the idea that I feel the need to interject myself into her already doomed reality. And instantly I can flip the script and instead of holding her over the balcony I’m trying to pull her back up. Then I can as the firefighter pull her up to he point of safety hug her and tell her everything will be okay. I can feel her melt into my embrace. I can hug her back and still proceed to push her over the edge. Watching her face transition from shock to confusion and I can hear the scream fade. I can imagine myself getting caught pushing her by another firefighter. As I’m sure you can imagine I have multiple ways that interaction could go and I can explore each of them one by one seemingly to no end . I think I could live multiple lives just in my head. I see all of this as a sort of day dream. Not really a rolling clip so much as it is a series of frames but I can view these images from any angle. From the eyes of the woman being betrayed from the eyes of a firefighter observing this live or from the eyes of someone watching a recording of the events online or cctv. I can obviously go all day but if anyone shares a similar experience I’d like to know what you think. Is this line of thinking typical? I believe this may have saved my life actually. When I wanted to kill myself I could see myself throwing myself n front of a bus last minute. It was the visual of my little sisters tears that stopped me.it isn’t all horizons looking over the world from mt Everest.

I would like to apologize, I hadn't played in a little bit and instead of saluting with you, I pressed the wrong button and threw a thermite grenade right into your head. You melted in front of me and left before I could explain that it was unintentional. Your screams and the smell will haunt me to this day.

Our muscovy mum had 13 ducklings two days ago. On their first morning our son spotted that one of the ducklings had a very severe head wound and was being shoved out of the nest by mum.
We brought it inside and dressed the wound which is now healing well. We didn't want to reintroduce it back to mum as we were concerned she would abandon it/hurt it.
Currently we're keeping it under a heat pad in our brood box/hamster cage that we have previously raised chicks/ducklings in. We're giving it lots of cuddles and attention and it's eating and drinking well.
Our concern is about it becoming lonely - one option is that we could take a few ducklings (it's siblings) away from the mother duck outside and put them inside with the lone ducklings. Or we could continue to raise it by itself with us giving it lots of attention the reintroduce it when it's mature. We don't want to take ducklings unnessesarily from their mum, but don't want a depressed duckling.
Thoughts/advice much appreciated.
TLDR - raising a lone duckling - keep it company ourselves or liberate a few extra ducklings from mum to keep it company?

Our muscovy mum had 13 ducklings two days ago. On their first morning our son spotted that one of the ducklings had a very severe head wound and was being shoved out of the nest by mum.
We brought it inside and dressed the wound which is now healing well. We didn't want to reintroduce it back to mum as we were concerned she would abandon it/hurt it.
Currently we're keeping it under a heat pad in our brood box/hamster cage that we have previously raised chicks/ducklings in. We're giving it lots of cuddles and attention and it's eating and drinking well.
Our concern is about it becoming lonely - one option is that we could take a few ducklings (it's siblings) away from the mother duck outside and put them inside with the lone ducklings. Or we could continue to raise it by itself with us giving it lots of attention the reintroduce it when it's mature. We don't want to take ducklings unnessesarily from their mum, but don't want a depressed duckling.
Thoughts/advice much appreciated.
TLDR - raising a lone duckling - keep it company ourselves or liberate a few extra ducklings from mum to keep it company?

Hello everyone, wanted to share my experience in case anyone is going through the same thing.
Looking back, when I was pregnant I was so sensory overwhelmed all the time, my body was in pain 24/7 and I developed so many skin issues that made me feel like I’m a stranger to myself. TW I attempted taking my own life and the baby’s because I felt like we’re better off not alive Got admitted to the hospital for mental health reasons and put on antidepressants. All while feeling like there’s an alien invading my body. Felt no love, no attachment, nothing but resentment towards the fetus. Then childbirth was horrible too, so many important decisions to make on the spot, masking while in pain so that hospital staff doesn’t treat me poorly. Then the child is out, I hear the first cry, and to my horror I feel… nothing. Her father is excited, cuddling her, can’t take his eyes off of her, while I lay cut open, only caring about myself, wanting to rest and get back to normal.
We’re home with the baby, I try to cuddle her as often as I can, she’s cute, but still I feel no undying love and not bothered by her cries.
I didn’t like it, she deserved a loving mother. So I asked my psychiatrist if I could go on the lowest dose of my antidepressants since they tend to numb me.
Baby is 2 months, I’m on the lowest dosage of AD and BAM! It hits me: all the feels, all the love, all the attachment! It’s all there.
Can I baby talk with her? No, it feels weird. She’s a little human and my buddy, so I talk to her like I would with my friend. Often, when we’re alone together, I forget to talk at all, since she can’t respond I just have conversations in my head like I usually do.
Since I don’t have experience with babies I expect her to act like adults do, so sometimes I feel like her actions are personal and aimed to hurt me, but I remind myself that “she just a lil baby” and get over it.
Anything to do with milking myself is abysmal. I just know that from science perspective breast milk is best so I persevere.
My interest (not sure if it’s special interest) has always been learning and science so luckily that’s a lot to learn about babies and parenting that keeps me occupied and stimulated in a good way.
In conclusion: this is my personal experience and may be different for others but I would still want to have a child, despite all the hurdles and downsides.
Also wanted to add that I mask and pretend to be a normal parent with people, say all the stuff they want to hear about parenting and babies so that part never ends I guess… My close friends are always entertained (and sometimes concerned) with how I act and talk with my child, they say it’s very atypical (haha, get it?)

Hey guys!
I (M 26) have been feeling guilty about my behavior from the past and also how I have mistreated people and hurt their feelings.
Especially some situations from 7 years ago regularly pop up in my head. I have been threatening to commit suicide to a female friend whom I liked. Moreover, I said horrible things to her just to let her feel as hurt as I did at that moment. I was very suspicious since I trauma dumped on her and had the feeling that something was off (apparently another male friend knew my story without me knowing it). She was lesbian and in a relationship so not available anyways. Also another friend who was gang raped at that time got involved and I caused her to stress more about my mental health instead of her own which deserved much more attention by that time. Anyways what I did was utterly wrong and I really regret it and realize how much I hurt their feelings and to what extent I caused a lot of problems.
Now I'm coming to the point that I really want to apologize to both of them, since I know that my behavior was unacceptable and I have decided to better my life. Moreover, I'm also still feeling guilty about it and want to clear my head right now.
Do you think it is a good idea to reach out to them? And would you accept the following apology?
"Hey, I hope I'm not being intrusive by reaching out. I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry the way I treated you and am aware of the fact that my behavior has caused you a lot of stress while the energy could have spent better to your own mental health (for the girl who got gangraped I could be maybe be more specific, but don't know how to exactly phrase it). I don't know if apologizing is the right thing to do, but an apology is something you deserve. I hope you are doing well and I won't reach out when you don't respond. Take care!"
I hope you can give me some good advice!
PS. I have autism, so when I have phrased something in a wrong way please tell me. I genuinely feel really sorry for what happened, but find it sometimes difficult to express my feelings in words.

on wednesday i had a terrible date with my girlfriend, she said some mean things to me at the end of the date and i went manic when i got home and told her i didn’t want to be with her anymore.
i said some harsh and awful things to her from 9pm to 5am; she knows i’m bipolar, so she understood my reaction and tried to fix things between us.
on thursday we saw each other and talked about the incident, she told me she was hurt but that she understood, she also told me that she wants to be by my side still and that she would like that i worked on my issues.
i explained my symptoms and how my head works so she could understand me better and also for her to make a decision if she really wants to be with me.
she’s been nothing but understanding and caring for me, not even my mom has been as accepting of this as her and i feel really bad for pushing my girlfriend apart and saying lots of stuff i didn’t think were true.
how can i stop feeling so bad with myself? how can i repay her? she has a difficult illness too and i’ve been by her side but i feel i haven’t done enough for her even though she says i’ve been nothing but perfect.
i wanted to get this off my chest but some advice would also help, thanks!
edit since i reread the post and wanted to make something clear: i don’t use the illness as an excuse to be a dick, it’s the first time in our relationship that i felt overwhelmed and went full on manic. i feel really bad and guilty for not being able to control myself. i accept the responsibility of my actions and want to make up for them since she gave me another chance which i feel i don’t deserve.

Hey
So, very random my partner is adopted and has never shown any interest on their bio family. But now they've have made contact and my partner's response was "I am not interested" or at least that's what they told me..
Now I found out my partner is keeping closely in touch with a bio-sibiling and though I know I should be happy for them... I feel cheated and lied to.
I have gotten it in my head that these people want to hurt them, take advantage of them and that they are cheating on me romantically/sexually with this bio-sibiling.....
I am destroying my life with this...help

...and it hurts. I'm glad I have some true friends. I don't want to belittle those friendships or those people. I know I have some good people in my life and I do my best to be there for them, too, and appreciate them. But you know how the mind can be, sometimes. It's a struggle not to dwell sometimes on the people who not only seemed to fade out from my life but the people who disappointed me with the way they've behaved recently.
There are the ones who were cordial and we seemed on good terms, studying the same field. They used to interact with me and we'd encourage each other. But when I started to reach more and more of the goals I had, not by stepping on anyone, mind you, they stopped encouraging. Stopped checking in and reciprocating any messages. Now they're totally silent and many just act like I don't exist.
Then there are the ones who I looked up to. There were cliques of them, sure, but I never felt any animosity from them towards me; I was just aware when I was working towards my dreams and trying to improve that I was not on the same level as them skill-wise or resume-wise. I occasionally asked advice of them, thanked them for it, and would regularly express excitement and support about their projects. I recently noticed, despite them having supported my projects before this recent success, they have all been silent and one of them has congratulated me in private but pretended they didn't know about it in front of the others. They will not do anything to boost or share in my success even though it was announced widely and publicly throughout our entire field and they ARE aware of the specific merit which is annually awarded to individuals in the field. Some of them have formerly received said merit and I congratulated them. It could be that they all happen to have other things going on, and this is just an unfortunate coincidence, but it is difficult not to feel like they are suddenly not interested in the merit now that I am the one they might congratulate.
Before I began working in earnest towards this particular goal, it was an extreme longshot. I was not taking care of myself, I was a borderline alcoholic, and I was depressed and acting self-destructively. The friends I had during this dark time are the third group. That was a slow slide into realizing they never wanted me to clean myself up and be healthy. One of those friends used to jokingly say, "Oh, ___, never change," when we'd be partying and I'd be a drunk and lively part of the group. I did not realize until a few years later, after I'd gotten my master's degree, that they actually weren't really joking. They started putting down school and academics. They made passive aggressive remarks about how people "need to stay in their lane" and asked me if I ever noticed how "people suddenly think they're somehow smarter just because they have a degree?" For reference, this individual also has a master's degree but in a different field, and one that they are not as interested in or passionate about, but for "better job security" (their words, not mine). Eventually I lost contact with them because it got back to me that they were badmouthing me, unsurprisingly, to my friends back "home" who I'd hung around with before I pursued my degree. Now that I have thrived for years since then, and been recognized in my field for my work, these friends are totally silent.
I feel guilty, because I KNOW I should focus on the friends who have been supportive and who are happy for me. But I think this feeling of loneliness and hurt is a sign that I'm still struggling with low self-esteem that never quite went away, no matter how fulfilled I felt when I began seriously pursuing my dreams.
I think a lot of people don't talk about what a double edged sword success and achieving one's dreams can be. You really find out who your friends are and aren't. What's that expression? "Pay close attention to those who don't clap when you win." As much as I would like to think I wouldn't pay them any mind, as much as I'd like to think I'm mentally healthy enough to ignore the haters and live a good life, it is impossible not to notice. I guess what I do next with that observation is key. I'm trying to be self-reflective, and to really check with myself to see if I'm doing anything that is hurtful to others or if I've done something to warrant these behaviors. But I'm caught somewhere between hating myself because I think I MUST somehow have done something to deserve that treatment and being angry and disappointed with the reactions of those individuals because it feels unfair. It feels like I'm being bullied and ostracized for winning, but who the hell wants to hear someone complain about how hard it is to "win" or achieve their success? So here I am on offmychest. Thanks for listening.

I am looking for some advice, I have been on HRT for 3 years now (my levels are good afaik) and have had most standard FFS procedures done (75K later, sigh) but still struggle with being gendered correctly, so I want to figure out what I can do if anything to improve.
so here are pictures
front
side
Where I think I am having issues is a few things.
I don't think it helps that I am basically always wearing something on my head, because my hairline is a bit of a mess atm, since surgery removed a chunk of hair that is now growing back and I probably need hair transplants either way. I have considered wigs but its a pretty big investement to get good ones so I donno.
I have had very little facial electrolysis done, so there is visible stubble, I want to work on this but its so slow and painful and expensive lol
eye brows, mine are pretty damn masculine, I have never had them shaped, so I figure that would help if they were thinner and curved vs thick and straight.
I don't wear makeup, I am not really a fan of having lots of stuff on my face, and tbh I don't even know where to start, but I assume even something subtle would help.
I think my skin quality isn't amazing, I have a dead simple routine of cleanser / moisterizer (with spf), so maybe there is more I can be doing there, but I find my face kind of looks "dirty" no matter what because of all the freckles but I am not sure
Am I going in the right direction with this stuff? How would you prioritize these things? Obviously there are other issues, like the fact that my face is pretty long, but I am trying to focus on the things I can fix because there is no way in hell that I am doing any more facial surgery.

~What the fuck ?~
I will never understand the compulsion to belittle or intentionally misrepresent anyone for any reason- I am a very loving and understanding person and I extend that to those around me in every way I know how to. I have overcome some seriously messed up shit and I still try and shine my light to the world and to those around me and It's really disheartening to see it interpreted otherwise especially when it comes to those, I love the most.
Those people that I have tried time and time again to heal these relationships but at one point am I allowed to release responsibility to trying to tend to and mend relationships on my own? My person continually being vilified for expressing myself and my beliefs while continually being delt unwarranted disrespect.
So many times, in my life I have found myself standing up for myself only to be further attacked in a situation that didn’t call for extreme animosity. It’s weird to think that someone would interpret you defending yourself in a conversation as an excuse to deal personal attacks to someone just because we don’t agree with them.
I think it’s a disservice to not only myself but to those around them to allow them to see me allow myself to be treated in a manner that isn’t appropriate to my standard, and my standard alone. I think it’s quite liberating to free myself from the bondage of what other people think I should be or how I should act based on their jaded beliefs of what constitutes the appropriate way of existing.
I think allowing yourself the grave to not buckle under neath the ideology of other people can set the tone for the way other people treat you. If you continually allow people to run over you or treat you lesser than, belittle you, or even talk down on you, then you allow for yourself to receive poor treatment from people and their bullshit, especially when you don’t deserve it. People will always try and put words in my mouth trying to make me sound entitled, bratty, or hateful, but never actually put any logic or intelligence behind their argument against me. I’m never extended the same grace that I have continually given over and over again to those around me. I have never been met with the same empathy or sympathy given to others around me and any time I’ve called attention to that, I’ve been met with aggression or combativeness. No one has ever really acknowledged in a way that might say “Okay, I hear you, that wasn’t my intention” or even an apology for that matter.
I Find it kind of gross that I have been in so many treatment programs doing the work to combat my drug addiction and mental illness for countless years. Numerous therapists and therapy sessions that I have sat in completely unfolding and unpacking emotions and traumatic events that have taken place over the course of my life and it bewilders me to think that people that don’t even attempt to do that work are the first to throw out labels (Schizophrenic, Junkie etc...) But the moment you throw out “Hey I feel like you aren’t exactly treating me fairly” It turns into a complete rage fest. People are so enamored by these self-righteous personas they create in their heads that the moment any of that is disrupted, It’s like a volcano erupting. You’re instantly transported into a warzone of someone else’s design, trying to maintain a sense of integrity, reality, and sense of self in a place where none of that exists in a sensical way.
Character Assassination: You were on drugs!
You’re 30 (Just turned 29
People will use any method to diminish your character, minimize the things you’ve been through especially if it means justifying their poor or embarrassing treatment to you. When someone see’s that you have ripped away the mask they hide behind, they immediately try and dismantle you in the eyes of others. Anything they can say to rip away your credibility, they do it before they’ll pause, reevaluate the situation and consider and apology. Before they’ve even given themselves a moment to adequately process one thing that you’ve say, you’ve already been made the bad guy in the story, you’ve already been nominated as that person to take the blame. But never being given the grace that it takes to truly love someone outside of a superficial front. Never acknowledging the things that one has survived or overcame.
It’s a lot of secondary emotions that people feel in regards to reflecting on things that someone else has experienced from themselves & some people latch onto that and make it their entire personality being the family member of a person addicted to drugs, or being the family member of a person who we’re forgiving etc., and it becomes our entire personality “ watch how much tough love I can give you, even though it’s exhausting me & hurting our relationship, look at how easily I am capable of derailing your life over and over again. Look at how fragile your existence is that I can with the snap of my finger or the stop of my feet break everything.
This is especially damaging when it’s done at the hands of someone you care for. Looking into their cold eyes and no longer seeing the love they have for you, but instead the distain for the love that they have for you. It becomes completely about the debt you owe to them for loving you, even when they didn’t want to (even though they never actually showed you that in the first place). I think it’s incredibly selfish to always create a circus around family issues instead of having a decent conversation about amongst each other. This displays an exuberant lack of communication skills as a unit & no one is perfect, but the lack of concern toward things of that matter are the reasons families disconnect from one another.

STANDING UP FOR YOUSELF/ STANDING YOUR GROUND IS NOT DISREPECTFUL/ RESPECT YOUR SPACE
For whatever reason, people invite you into their homes to mistreat and abuse you and then think that you have to tolerate their mistreatment because of the things they do or have done for you in the past, yes ESPECIALLY parents. Our parents CHOSE to have children, children don’t choose to be brought into the world, so for a parent to use providing for s someone as a young person with no say in the matter is low hanging fruit and it doesn’t show any actual concern for the issue or the people that the issue effects in the long run.
I find it jarring to have people pick and choose when to accept mental health as an explanation for certain situations and not for others. Like whenever it’s adding to the way that they’ve misrepresented you to others, then its fine, but anything else, like when it’s actually affecting your life, they lose all concern for you and your mental health. It’s really weird and doesn’t foster good relationships. I think all of this boils down to again “I hate that I love you” mentality. People care for you out of the obligation to look good to society, not because they love you through thick and thin or will always have your back. It’s whatever looks best the outside world, not really the structure of the house.

I’ve been on Pristiq for two years. The first year I was on 25 mg(I know that seems low, but I’m really sensitive to medication so that’s where my doctor wanted to start me).
When I first started the medication, it instantly helped me with my depression and anxiety, which was something I really needed at the time. After about a year I felt like the 25 mg wasn’t working as much so we decided to up to 50mg. I’ve been on 50mg for the past year.
Fast-forward to today, last week, I decided that I wanted to start my journey of going off. The real reason I wanna go off is because I’ve started to feel really numb and really out of touch with my emotions. If something bad happens I don’t really react and the same if something good happens.. I’ve felt so meh..
I’ve also gained 20 pounds on Pristiq with no real lifestyle or diet changes. It hurt when my Psych told me that the weight gain was probably just due to aging… btw I’m only 27. I don’t think it’s normal to gain 20 pounds in two years between the ages of 25 and 27 if you’ve made no lifestyle changes..
When I talked to my Psych about going off she wasn’t very supportive. She told me it would probably be better to transition to another medication as going off of SNRIS has been known to be challenging. This is something I wish I would’ve known when I first started the medication. I guess I never really thought that going off could ever be more challenging than what it felt like before I was on.
The original plan was to reduce from 50 to 25 for 3 weeks and then 25 to 0.
The main symptoms from going off, I’ve had really bad stomach issues rushing to the bathroom basically accidentally almost pooping my pants on multiple occasions.
My head has hurt and it honestly just felt like a really bad hangover, Psych wanted to stay on the 25 mg for 3 weeks before trying to reduce down to zero but after reading through hundreds of Reddit threads, I decided to just go to 0 mg three days into taper. I know this i gonna get a lot of backlash but from what i read it seems the tapper from 25 to 0 is horrible so i wanted to just push through. I also know im strong enough to handle it and id rather not extend how shit the 25 to 0 is gonna be.
I’m on day seven now and I’m feeling a lot better. Here are a few things that have really been helping me. I hope posting this helps other people because none of this information was accessible to me.

1. Prioritize sleep I’ve been trying to sleep at least 10 hours a night and that really seems to help.
   
2. Exercise as much as you can that’s been really helping with the headaches the nausea and just overall feeling better mentally.
   
3. I’ve been tracking all my calories and not eating any processed foods or carbohydrates other than fruits and honey. I’ve been prioritizing protein, focused meals, and trying to drink tons of water. Also drinking electrolytes.
   
4. I’ve been taking a bath every day with Epsom salts and baking soda. Baking soda helps naturally remove any toxins in your body. Make sure to keep water with you because sitting in there for a while sometimes I get nauseous.
   
5. Because your brain will probably feel really out of whack I make a list every day of just five things I need to get done. I’ve definitely found that my brain is constantly rushing with new ideas and a lot of the time. I’m just on the brink of crying for no reason. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I refer back to the list of the five things I need to do and just focus on those that’s really been helping me get through it.
   
6. Having some type of bubbly water has also really helped me with the nausea. I have been drinking the energy drink Celsius and just sipping on it throughout the day it seems that the caffeine and the bubbles have really just helped me be able to have some type of energy and focus. I don’t drink the whole thing at once, but instead just sip on it throughout the day keeping it cold in the fridge.
   

Anyways, those are the main things that have been helping me. I know that it’s really hard when you feel like you have to get off of antidepressants and you remember how challenging it was before them but I’m praying for all of us and I know that will get through it. 🤍

I’m 15 and my family is kind of odd. Both of my parents are bodybuilders and my younger brother is an athlete. We have 2 sibling cats that get into blowout fights to the point where we had to build a gate out of wire rack to separate each cat. One cat has been really sick for a while and we can’t figure out what is wrong with him.
Ever since they started fighting the cats have been a huge part of our lives. My mom is pretty much the head of the household and cares the most about the cats. She will yell at us if a cat is looking at her because she wants us to play with the cat, feed the cat, brush the cat, etc. If the cat is in a room, all windows need to be open. This leads to all of the windows open in the house. This can get really exhausting because these rules don’t go away if we’re doing homework or something else important. It’s gotten worse too, a few months ago my brother and I used to have to put our phone up so we could get better sleep. Now, we are encouraged to stay up as late as possible so we can “watch” the cats.
I’ve mentioned feeling less important than the cats before, and I was met with ‘I guess you just hate us as parents then’. My mom and I are best friends. We do everything together and I can’t imagine being without her, I just feel left out sometimes. Most of the time if I ask to do something with her shell say no because she has to do something with the cats.
My family constantly talks about how they do so much more than me. (I close my door at night to keep the cats out). And I know they do a lot for the cats and our home but I feel like I deserve at least some credit for what I do. I’m top 5% of my class, take all AP classes, represented AZ in a club conference, I work 2 jobs, my brother has learning disabilities so I help him with his homework, coach a special Olympics cheer and dance team etc. I feel like I’m constantly trying to make my family proud but the cats will always come first. They get mad if I ask to go to Starbucks or other food (I pay). I think they’ll always see me as less because I like food and I’m not very active compared to them. I’m a little bit overweight (170 lbs 5’5) and sometimes I think if I started starving myself they would see me as important. Like if I had a huge weight loss they would finally respect me.
This entire thing may make no sense, I’m sitting in my bedroom floor bawling. I just want to hear everyone else’s thoughts. Also, please do not tell me to throw the cats out or hurt the cats, even as a joke. The cats are my babies and I love them so so much.

So, I wrote up a little intro to an RP I was taking part in with a friend, and it kinda... Spiralled.
I quite like what I ended up writing, so I'm sharing it here. I think I did a good enough job offering up an interesting angle on Stormcast.
For a bit of context; Améline is a Knight-Questor, and Gorgo is a mortal she's taken on as almost like an apprentice. Gorgo heard about this 'storm-goddess' that was immortal and couldn't be beaten, and glory-hungry tried to first defeat Améline in a fighting competition. Long story short, Gorgo got knocked out so early she didn't even get to fight Améline, but she ended up getting to train under her instead. Gorgo's grown quite a bit over the training, which includes getting traumatised by fighting Chaos alongside Améline.
Gorgo also has six snakes on her head instead of hair.
The reference Améline makes to being worshipped is that, well, she's pretty much a goddamn superhero. She inspires others, and because she's a demigod born from Sigmar some of that becomes outright worship, which she doesn't know how to deal with.

Out in the field, Améline could put on her sigmarite war-plate in just a bare few minutes, a skill refined by repeated necessity. Here, in the safe confines of the fortress, she could afford to take her time, slowly easing on each piece of her gear onto her body and tightening the leather straps until her armour was securely placed. As she did so, Améline quietly whispered prayers of warding to her armour in one of the secret tongues of Azyr, taught to her by her Lord-Relictor, Herakes Who-Carries-The-Firmament-And-Laughs.
Améline smiles to herself as she remembers when Herakes had let her in on a secret; the prayers by themselves, unless charged with arcane or divine power, did nothing for her armour. They were simply tools to focus the mind before battle and calm it with rote.
"And a Retributor-Prime needs all the focus they can get." the venerable Lord-Relictor had laughed. Scant moments later, she would watch him be eviscerated by a Bloodthirster while bellowing oaths of . But Améline liked the memory of that day regardless, and was thankful that it hadn't been one of the ones taken from her by the Anvil of Apotheosis. Try as she might to put the pain of loss from her mind, Améline missed the uncomplicated camaraderie of the Blackhammers.
It had been simpler in the early days of the Realmgate Wars, she muses to herself, not for the first time. Not easier, not by any measure. But Améline's world had been the Stormcast she stood shoulder-to-shoulder with, the enemies at her front, and the survivors she had rescued. Lord-Celestant Phionas gave the Retributor-Prime her orders, and she would enact them as best she could or die trying. She was surrounded by siblings who implicitly understood her in ways others struggled.
She hadn't stood out; she'd just been another warrior in Sigmar's army.
She hadn't been been a hero that people looked up to; just another Stormcast fighting to free the Realms.
Améline hadn't been worshipped back then.
And now...
Améline hears a knock on her door, and releases a quiet breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding.
This was nostalgia talking, she reminds herself. Cherry-picked memories of a hellish period of war, further pared down by numerous Reforgings. It had likely been just as messy back then too; she'd just managed to overcome the problems that had plagued her back then. She would do so again with the present, and whatever might come in the future.
She just wished she had the Blackhammers again, she thought mournfully to herself, before slowly easing herself upright, going over to the door and opening it.
When the door is opened, Améline finds herself looking down at Gorgo. The quiet gloom of the Stormcast's thoughts pervade further; though now she knew Gorgo was on the road to recovery, she couldn't help but see the young woman's trials marked all over her body. Not just in scars, but in the way she carries herself.
When Améline had first met Gorgo, she'd been a strutting peacock of a warrior, staring proudly right into Améline's eyes as if challenging the Stormcast to refuse training her. Améline hadn't begrudged the youth's pride; instead, she took it upon herself to let Gorgo remake it into something more productive, and healthy for the warrior. Améline remembered how her snakes had flared outwards, looking like the crest of a multi-coloured tropical bird.
The product of that training now stands before her; wan, tired, her shoulders slumped by weights that couldn't be seen by eye, but pulled her down terribly nonetheless. Even her snakes lounged down over her scalp and shoulders. Gorgo still looked up at Améline's eyes with a strange kind of confidence, born of experience rather than arrogance. Whatever her agony, Gorgo wasn't broken yet.
It still sent a pang of pain through Améline's soul to see her student seem so diminished. Perhaps the life Gorgo had chosen would have inevitably led to this moment, and thanks to Améline she would survive it; but that didn't stop Améline's mind from furiously rebelling against Gorgo's misery.
Would that the battle against Chaos had ended with the Realmgate Wars.
The words 'I'm sorry' had almost left Améline's lips when Gorgo pushed a spear into Améline's hand. The Stormcast immediately recognised it; it was Gorgo's choice weapon, the one she brought to training pit and battlefield alike. It was sturdy, a product of good craftsmanship and materials, and the tip was meticulously sharpened until it could pierce flesh and armour with but a thrust. Below the tip hung a stone carved with a rune that Améline didn't understand, but had seen Gorgo hold onto tightly when she thought no one was looking.
Améline had never seen Gorgo give that spear to another person.
"To fight the Khornates." Gorgo blurted out, pre-empting Améline's question. "You're going to need every bit of help you can get."
Gorgo shifted her feet, starting to turn as if to beat a hasty retreat, but Améline stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.
There was so much that she wanted to tell Gorgo. The countless words welled up inside the Stormcast; how proud she was of Gorgo, how much she regretted failing the young warrior, how Améline wasn't worthy of training her, and just how dearly the Stormcast wished she could shelter Gorgo.
Instead of all the thoughts that swirled around her said, Améline said, almost surprising herself;
"After the Gorestorm is beaten, we're not going to train."
Gorgo flinched, and looked up at Améline with a hurt, betrayed look. Améline didn't know where her tongue was leading her, but it continued speaking for her;
"For a few weeks. Until then, I want to spend some time with you."
"You already do when we train." Gorgo mumbles, but the hurt in her eyes abates, and she starts looking curiously up at Améline.
"We're going to spend some time together at rest." Améline clarified, her voice becoming firmer as her thoughts slowly coalesced into coherency. "Theatre, dances, taverns. Whatever you want. My treat."
"Is Allassía going to be there?" Gorgo groans, and Améline's heart lightens as the young warrior's mood lifted. She might be grumbling, but by this point Améline knew when to recognise pantomime.
"If she wants to." Améline lightly replied, and was rewarded with Gorgo theatrically rolling her eyes, as if her lips hadn't just ticked upwards in a smile at the thought of spending time with her Hurakan rival.
And then, Gorgo seemed to throw away any last pretence of annoyance as she surged forwards and wrapped her arms around Améline's waist. For a moment the Stormcast wondered if Gorgo was trying to wrestle with her, before the warrior's sudden stillness revealed that she was instead hugging Améline.
"Thank you." Gorgo grunted, with a sincerity that broke Améline's heart a little. "For everything."
The words bubbled up once more from the dark recesses of Améline's mind, but this time she quieted them as she wrapped an arm around Gorgo's shoulders and hugged her back. There would be time for them.
But later.
Gorgo held on to Améline for a while longer, before just as abruply as she initiated the embrace, she broke from it. She took a step back with a laugh, put her hands on her hips, and looked up into Améline's eyes with some of her old, cocksure fire.
"Say hello to the Chained Butcher for me." Gorgo commanded, and Améline couldn't stifle her laughter before it bubbled up from her throat, hale and hearty and utterly taking her by storm. Gorgo joined in with Améline, before turning on her heel and strutting down the corridor, leaving Améline alone with the spear.