Dominican jokes online

I have experienced derealization episodes since I was 6 years old. During the first occurence, I made my parents take me to the emergency room. I thought for sure that I was dying. Over the next 6 years, I had episodes here and there, but soon became desensitized to it. I have dealt with anxiety since I was a toddler, no joke. I did some research, and found that derealization or “feeling unreal” was simply a symptom of anxiety and was reassured.
When I was 12, I experienced a major episode of derealization. Didn’t know where I was, what was real, major heart palpitations, etc. I was a competitive swimmer at the time, and it happened during practice. I ended up telling my coach that I wasn’t feeling well and had my mom pick me up. The feeling subsided, but came back even stronger that evening.
I, again, started googling. I read forum posts from people that had been stuck feeling “unreal” for 5, 10, 20 years. I was horrified. This feeling followed me into the next day, and the next day, and the next, and then the next. This was my fate. I was going to feel like this for the rest of my life. I was so young - how was I going to handle feeling like this forever? I specifically remember reading on a website, “derealization is like hell on earth. The loss of our sense of everything can’t compare to anything that happens in our real life” - or something along those lines. That has always stuck with me. I still can’t believe that I dealt with something so significant at such a young age. Over that entire summer, I stayed in my bedroom, in desperate search of a “cure” or relief strategies as being outside amplified my symptoms. The only people discussing this were 20, 30, 40 years old, no one in my age category. I felt so alone. Hopeless. Desperate for help. I even started sleeping with my mom at the ripe age of 13. Every second of every day, I was unreal. In my DREAMS, I was unreal.
After months of agony, I came across a video that saved me. It was posted back in 2013/2014, and I can’t find it for the life of me, even after searching multiple times. Basically, the guy explained that derealization disorder is all a thought cycle - your thought of derealization triggers anxiety, which triggers derealization, all within a matter of milliseconds. I watched this video over 100 times. I would literally fall asleep to it.
That fall, I started grade 9. This was a HUGE contributing factor to the distraction of this disorder. I would find that in times that I was distracted, my symptoms would fade away. For the first couple months, it was only for 5-10 seconds. It was then that I realized that the YouTube video was correct; I could overcome this disorder, I just needed it out of my head.
After 10 months of suffering, my derealization disorder faded away. My brain became tired of thinking about it, worrying about it, hyperfixating on it.
My advice to anyone struggling with this disorder - IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD. I promise you. Find something to distract you (harder said than done, I know. I understand). This isn’t a lifelong condition. Something I saw lots of online was to “accept it”, but this didn’t help me. Distracting myself and disassociating it from my life was much more helpful that accepting it as part of me, because it never was a part of me. It was simply a symptom of anxiety that was caused by the thought of it happening.
I am now 21 years old and unaffected by derealization. Sure, I will experience it when I think about it, but it’s so infrequent that it’s never interfered with my day-to-day life. It gets better. I wish I could hug my 12 year old self, along with all of you suffering, and tell them that one day it will be nothing but a distant memory. Please reach out if you need any advice. I am here for you all.

but to a point that I feel that they've been present in my whole life.
I'm trying to discern if this is also a thing that NT people do but I realized that in my whole life I've been bothered by blanket statements, to an extent that it has lead to MANY heated arguments with my friends and family and people around me because I didn't care where they came politically... I couldn't stand blanket statements and stereotypes, they would just bothered me so much and made me feel anxious... even if they would came from opposite political views at the time (so my friends wouldn't understand why I would defend it). To an extent that I would hate any joke based on stereotypes. To an extent that I would spend hours and hours all day reading statistics for all the things and learnt statistics (and deep learning later because it's like regression but better) by my own (my very thing is computers and programming) because I loved understanding the correlation between the things, even between the smallest things. I have side projects related to statistics to see the correlation between keywords because how obssesed I was.
For years I was also obsessed trying to figure out the correlation using regression for stupid things that at the time I thought were useful, like the things my mother came home angry and we would end up having an argument, or between my coffee temperature and bitterness, or when I realized that my induction cooker would display energy consumed and I started collecting data points for boiling temperature and energy spent to find out the correlation.
I feel like I'm obsessed with the truth and connections behind everything, but in the last few years I gave it up because I realized I was arguing with everyone (family, friends, online...) and being very pedantic about stupid things. I argued with my best friend a lot, she isn't interested in statistics but I would send her walls of texts with data of the things we discussed and she was like why would you do that. I don't even know how she can stand me through these years.
I don't know, it's something I realized recently that I've been doing all my life and wanted to share it. Is this a thing NT people do too?

I Accepted a Job to Film on the Dark Web
Man, I am pumped to tell you chronically online content addicts my story. Wait is that too mean of an intro? Will this get taken down for harassment since I painted too accurate a picture of the people on this site? Sorry, everyone, I’m sure you all smell like an expensive bakery and have touched grass this morning. Anyway, I promise I have something interesting. It even involves the dark web you uncreative writers cream yourselves over! I mean, totally real people speaking about their strangely similar experiences. Okay, fine I’ll stop bullying you through the screen before you click off.
This all started when I was seven years old and my parents were killed in front of me in an anti-indigenous hate crime, but let's be real you don’t care. I’m just some annoying Cherokee kid with dead parents so I’ll skip to the good parts. I spent years in an orphanage, gradually becoming more interested in death and violence. As bad as it is, I went out of my way to expose myself to that content in the hopes of desensitizing myself. Which ended up working too well, since now I’m obsessed with causing and viewing pain, though I don’t find any joy in hurting myself.
I got adopted at twelve and after a few months of staying at my new family’s home on the reservation, I went with them to a state sweatier than the average Reddit user, California. Long story short, both of my caretakers, whom I referred to as Uncle and Auntie because they could never be my parents, died. Leaving me in the care of their older son, who I call cousin. I’m not stupid enough to give up any real names, so I’ll call him Brick, cause he’s as dumb as one. He was in his early 20s when he was tasked with taking care of me and is the world’s worst excuse for a babysitter.
I’m almost always alone at the apartment, with him only coming by to drop off supplies and stay for a few hours so the neighbors don’t get too worried. Unless I get in trouble at school, then he’d suddenly give a shit. It's useful because he doesn't about the gory stuff I look at, but some display of interest would be nice. Oh well, ninety percent of the population sucks so he’s just part of the majority. Now, with that said, you’ll be able to understand the perfect storm that led me here. During my time on the deep web, I found a particular website that caught my eye. They had new footage relatively consistently and they were the easiest for me to access since I didn't go too far into the dark web, especially with all the honey pots lying around.
I even bought a couple of files for myself to study and admire. One thing irritated me though, the cameraman. He was always sobbing, breathing, shaking, or some combination of those. It seriously killed the vibe of the killings. Something I commented on under many videos, often saying I would do a better job filming. A choice that in hindsight was me asking to end up in one of those recordings. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was mostly the only one who commented but I was sure they wouldn't care. I was embarrassingly wrong.
I was staying up like usual, but it was past one AM on a school night, and back then that was a lot so I tried to sleep. Closing my eyes, tossing and turning, the works. I had just started drifting off when I heard the front door open. I remained calm but immediately found it weird since Brick never showed up this late. The thuds of the individual's feet grew louder as they got closer to my bedroom. I tried to convince myself it wasn't a stranger, especially since they got in with ease, but I knew that was wishful thinking.
They hummed as they opened my door. My dumbass had left it unlocked. I remained on my side, trying to look like I was asleep. They turned on the flashlight of their phone, shining it in my face. It was hard but I stayed still while they traced it over my features. I could tell they were smiling as they clicked their tongue.
“Heh, I knew it was a brat,” they whispered to themselves, pulling tangles out of my hair. Something I struggled not to groan from. They pulled up the hair over my ear and got so close spit got on my ear lobe.
“I know you’re awake kid,” they murmured, putting a blade to my neck. I let them grab my shoulder and move me onto my back, I knew how to fight but I wasn't about to take that big a risk with the position they had me in.
“You think you’re so cool saying you can do better than our guy.” they snickered, kneeling, their flashlight still shining in my face.
“Do you seriously believe that?” they questioned, moving the light away.
“Yeah, I do.” I stood my ground, they might have been intimidating but I wasn't gonna let that stop me from being honest.
“I wouldn't sound like I’m gonna piss myself every time it gets gory. I’m confident I could get better footage too, getting up close is something I’ve fantasized about.”
They clicked their tongue again and ran their finger over the bridge of my nose.
”Well, I know you’re a big fan of what we do, and you’re confidence makes me think you got something to back those claims up, so how’d you like a deal?”
I was surprised by how civil they were being aside from the touching and weapon against my throat.
“What kind of deal?” I asked, for all I knew this guy wanted me to lick their feet or some weird shit like that. They placed a finger underneath my eye, tracing a half moon with their nail.
“You have till this Friday to film a video of you killing an animal and put it on a flash drive that I’ll pick up here. If it impresses me and the crew we’ll hire ya with a handsome salary.” They began, moving their hand down to my cheek.
“But if you don't show, or it doesn't meet our standards, then I’m fucking up one of the parts of your face.” They warned, pinching my skin harshly.
“And if I say no to this deal?”
They put their hand over my mouth, scratching my lips.
“That’s cute, if you say no I’ll just slit your throat.” they grinned.
“Or rip it open with my teeth if you got a preference,” they smirked, before running their tongue across their sharp teeth.
“Okay, since I have no choice I’ll go with it, but I’m telling you now I can give you something way better than what you likely expect of me.” I prefaced, looking into their sunken eyes. They scratched my scalp, including the side of my head that was shaved.
“Good choice, I’ll be back to pick it up and if you're not here I’ll assume you don’t have the video. I genuinely wish you luck, because you’ll need it.” they removed the blade from my neck and walked away. I sat still for a few minutes in the dark, processing what had happened and wondering how they got into my apartment with such ease. I was confident I could blow their sniveling excuse of a cameraman out of the water, but I was worried about the people I was getting caught up with.
Sure, I had been on a lot of gore sites over the years but I was always just watching and occasionally commenting. Compared to most in the scene I wasn't much of a threat. I could defend myself and have contemplated killing for years but I hadn't murdered anyone or worse. Plus, I am part of way too many targeted groups to not be constantly at risk. Teenage, fem-leaning, two-spirit, indigenous kid with trauma? Yeah, I might as well be walking sign screaming “Hate crime me”.
So yeah, there was a lot to worry about. Regardless, I couldn't let that fear hold me back. I had a job to do and a group of sickos to appease. The next morning was rough, I got no sleep cause I’d spent all night brainstorming. I barely mustered the energy to change and drank straight mouthwash instead of brushing my teeth. Slogging onto the bus with drool on my cheek, I went to the back like usual. No one sat there cause, the seats were extra worn down, and I scared off anyone who attempted to with my active, rabies-infected bitch face. That day was different though.
I blanked on his name and where I knew him from, but I recognized his wavy hair and prominent curved nose. He glanced at each seat on the bus, before somehow settling on my area. He tried to give me space but ultimately seated himself beside me after realizing it was the only spot that didn't look like it would give him cancer. I glared at him as I did with everyone, but it didn't phase him.
“You know you could pick anywhere else right?” I murmured. He stared at the floor, then at me.
“I’m aware, but a few months ago I started a mission to sit on every part of this bus, and this is the last place.” he smiled, his lips softly curving at the sides.
“What’s the point of that?”
His mouth moved into a more neutral position, but his eyes kept smiling.
“I just thought it would be neat to see the same place from a bunch of different perspectives.” he took out his phone and snapped a photo from the point of view where he was sitting. Maybe my sleepiness made my bitch face less effective, cause he hadn't shown a hint of fear, which kind of annoyed me.
“That’s cool I guess, but I wouldn't do that if I were you. I’ve done some back here alone that would make your skin crawl.” in hindsight my attempt at unnerving him just made me sound like a pervert, which is probably why he held back laughter. Trying to hide a chuckle by clearing his throat.
“Hey, it's not my business what you do, no matter how Haram it is. It’s your life so that’s between you and whatever you believe in. Just don’t shake hands with me.” he joked, playfully putting his hands up. Strangely, I remembered his name at that moment.
“Oh shit, you’re Abdul! We have art together.” I sat up, haphazardly slamming my hand down on my leg.
“Uh yeah, I’ve seen some of your paintings, they’re pretty cool. I like the way you texture them, I’m trying to work on that.” he complimented, seeming more weirded out by my sudden energy than my accidental insinuation. I felt a little stupid for yelling his name but decided not to dwell on it.
“Thanks, you’re stuff is nice, and you’re good at shading.”
He stretched his arms while thanking me. We talked for a few more minutes, taking jabs at each other throughout. Turns out he was better at being an asshole than his artsy charismatic appearance made me think. The thing setting our insults apart being that you could tell he was a loving person underneath. It was the nicest conversation I had with anyone in a while. Though he could tell I was tired so he quieted down, letting me sleep, waking me when we got to school. We went our separate ways until the last two periods we shared. All that time, I spent my remaining energy plotting how I was going to handle the video. What I’d kill, record with, and how to dispose of the evidence. It was a lot to consider, but through three classes I devised a plan.
I’d find a stray around my apartment complex and take it out in my room. Record it on a portable camera since I broke the ones on my phone, no, I will not be answering how that happened. Then once I had my footage I’d put the body in a trash bag, throw it in the complex’s garbage, and clean the blood off my floor. It didn't seem like Brick would come by so he wasn't a factor I thought I’d have to consider. The plan was almost too easy, but I decided to believe in Occam’s razor. I got so lost in thought that by the time I reached Art, which was my second-to-last period, I didn't process that we were moving seats.
“She called your name,” Abdul reminded me. Our teacher placed us next to each other at our four-person table. The two girls sitting with us were already friends, so I didn't bother to say anything, but I was interested in talking to him more.
“So, what do you think of this assignment?” He shrugged, taking out his sketchbook.
“I’m not that good at drawing people, but the idea of combining two people’s faces into a portrait seems interesting. Any ideas on who you’ll pick?”
“Probably the members of the music duo Brain Tumor, they’re my favorite artists and they both look weird as hell.”
“Wow way to talk about your favorites, if that’s what you say about them I can‘t imagine what you have to say about me.” he joked, pulling up reference pictures.
“First, it’s not an insult, second I don’t have anything to say about you. Brain and Tumor have features and styles that make them stand out. Sure they’re ugly, but it just adds to their visual charm. Hot people are boring, there’s nothing to pick at.” I explained, unzipping my bag.
“Oh, so you’re saying you think I’m hot.”
His comment wasn’t serious but it kind of got to me.
“Shit, that’s not what I meant, I was trying to say you’re boring. All hot people are boring, but not all boring people are hot, okay?” I explained, flipping to a clean page.
“Alright, but if I’m so bland then why talk to me?”
I hesitated, contemplating how much of a dick I was gonna be.
“Because it means you probably need some spice in your life, which I can provide.”
He began sketching a head on his paper.
“I like spices, but I feel like you’re the kind of person to dump a cabinet’s worth onto me.”
I flicked my pencil over to his side of the desk, putting on a mocking grin.
“Aww, you scared I’m gonna get you into trouble?”
He picked up the pencil and started using it, putting his on my side.
“No, ‘cause I’m good at setting boundaries. I’m more concerned that you’ll get annoyed with how unafraid of you I am.”
I stared at him for a moment, I hadn't expected to hear that.
“Jeez, man you didn't have to read me like that.”
He shrugged, observing the red paint from past projects that lay on my pencil.
“It's not hard to figure out, just this morning you were trying to push me away on the bus. Lucky, or unlucky, for you I want you to have a friend and you seem like a fun person.”
“Wait are you saying I have no friends?” I squinted at him.
“Well, do you?”
I didn't answer.
“If your response is silence I suggest you take up my offer.”
I was stunned, to be honest. No one had offered to be my friend since 6th grade, and that didn't last long. Of course, I accepted it, but for the rest of the period, there was an awkwardness in my mind. As pathetic as it sounds I wasn't used to others genuinely enjoying my company like he did. Which was partly by design cause I get joy out of scaring people away, but still. I forgot how it felt to have conversations about normal things like art. He had such a nice smile too, usually when I see a grin I want to slap it off, but I liked his. His voice was also nice, it’s hard to describe what in particular but it was easy on the ears.
Okay, I’m starting to get off-topic. I’ll skip to the important part. Toward the end of class, he started talking about how he was interested in filmmaking and got a portable video camera as a gift at last year’s Eid. He didn't have it on him, but he showed me a picture.
“Heh, that’s funny, I bought the same one a month ago.” I pointed out.
“Yeah, it's a popular model, I’m still getting the hang of it though cause I’m so used to using my phone.”
“Well, maybe I could bring you over to my place or vice versa after school and I can help you out.” I suggested.
He smiled, putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I thought you said you’ve only had it for a month? You know I can always look up tutorials from trained professionals.” he reminded me with a notable smugness that I'd used with him before.
“Well those guys are stuffy and I’m a fast learner.”
He redirected his attention back to his page, picking his pencil up.
“Alright, I suggest we go somewhere public instead. You’re not exactly the kind of person I want to bring home to my parents right away. Plus they always need to meet my friends and their guardians before I hang out at their home.”
I gave an exaggerated sigh, stretching my back.
“Aw man, looks like we can’t get high in my murder pit during our first hangout.”
He didn't respond for a solid few seconds.
“Wait, you do know I'm joking right?”
He shrugged, the smile in his eyes appearing again.
“I mean, one of those things is a little less believable than the other.” he snickered, and I laughed with him.
We set up a time and a date, which is where I screwed myself. He ended up being busy with projects from his other classes and family which just left us with Friday, the same day I had to submit the video. Now, did I tell him I wouldn't be able to make it? No, of course not, because I decided to be stupid and even more overconfident. I said that I’d one hundred percent be able to hang out with him after school like I didn't have a mutilator who was going to drop by my place at an unknown time.
The rest of the day went over fine but that bad timing led me to feel like a dick later. When I got home I was able to write out my plan, even sketching a few specifics of what I’d do. It was more exciting than when I’d been brainstorming, but this is when the gravity of the situation began to set in. When I said I’d fantasized about killings I meant it. I mean my teddy with twenty-five stab wounds should say enough. Regardless this would be the first time real blood was on my hands.
It made me feel powerful, but a little afraid. I’ve heard stories of people thinking that it would be an awesome experience and then feeling like shit. I doubted I’d be one of those people but still. Plus, I didn't exactly trust the guy who gave me this job. There was a good chance that this whole situation was rigged and they’d kill me no matter how good the video was. Or worse turn me into the feds and expose my collection. Honestly, if that happened I’d probably eat a shot to avoid going to jail. Wait, can I say that on this platform? Okay to the mods, that was a joke, I want to live a long life. Ugh, I’m doing a terrible job of staying on track. The point is there was a lot up in the air despite it being a matter of life or death.
I knew I’d go through with it but it was still a lot less straightforward than it initially seemed. I wracked my brain to remember where most of the cats stayed and tried to come up with a good way to lure one without raising suspicion. This also proved harder than first thought because I didn't think to account for the cat man, an old guy who lived alone and fed all the cats in our dingy complex while also housing a few. Knowing how obsessive he was he’d probably notice if one of them disappeared. Then again not all the cats return consistently or at all. It makes more sense that he’d think one of them was run over rather than slaughtered. It was getting late again so I rested my head for a moment, a bad move cause I ended up falling asleep at my desk. Not even changing out of the clothes I’d worn before, I woke up late and barely caught the bus the next morning.
I went to my usual spot but Abdul had already taken it. He patted the area next to it, which he’d covered in a towel, a smart move knowing how nasty it was. People gave me a few dirty looks as normal, which I smiled at. I stretched, my mind slightly less out of it than the previous morning.
“Uh, you do realize that-”
“Yeah, I know I’m wearing the same clothes.”
Abdul looked me up and down, his eyes remaining soft, but with a mix of concern and judgment. He set his backpack down and took off his sweater handing it to me.
“Dude what are you-”
“Look I don't know what led to you not being able to change but I think you should at least have a fresh top.”
I was surprised he was offering me something to wear but I took it.
“Uh, thanks, I’ll change into it later.”
He nodded as I put it in my backpack.
“You know you didn't have to do that.” I reminded him.
“Well there’s a lot of stuff I don’t have to do, but I do it because I want to, and I wanted to help you out.”
He smiled, his face still warmer than an Arizona summer. I got a strange feeling in my chest at that moment, I still can’t tell if it was good or bad.
“Well, thanks, I'll give it back to you tomorrow.”
We talked a little more and he mentioned something that caught my attention.
“Have you heard about all the animals that have been turning up dead?”
My eyes widened with surprise.
“No, I haven't, when did you hear about that?”
He pulled on his long-sleeve shirt.
“My sister said her friend who works at a shelter noticed a bunch of animals were getting adopted by people around the same time, and since then gore videos with them have been showing up. She found out through her co-worker who was emailed it by some random creep.”
I covered my mouth and looked away to hide the smile growing on my face. He had just given me the perfect cover-up without knowing. Now if I killed an animal people had an entire violent ring to connect it to instead of me! I stayed quiet for a minute because I could tell he’d likely see through any phony sad sounds I made.
“Oh wow, that’s awful, do you think they’ll ever find out the people behind it?”
He sighed, running his hand through his wavy hair.
“I hope so, for now, all we can do is pray that no more animals get hurt.”
I couldn't contain my grin as he said that so sincerely like animals and people didn't die constantly and that taking down one group would somehow stop the issue.
“Is there some joke I don’t get?” he furrowed his brow.
“Uh, no, sorry I smile when nervous.”
His gaze softened again, and he didn't press further.
His bringing up the animal killings ended up being the exact push I needed to get my hands dirty. I’d spent the entire day before planning so it was time to put that plan into action. I stole some cat treats that the cat man had laid out and spread them around my apartment which was on the bottom floor. Waiting for one of them to take the bate outside my window was pretty boring but one of them came after a few minutes. A scraggly brown and black cat with a tuft of fur missing on one side of his head. It's messed up but I felt like a little less of an asshole for taking him in since he looked like he was already struggling. I scooped him up and he didn't attempt to fight back.
“Hey there buddy” I waved, feeding him some more food. His eyes had a lot of crust on them, it was kinda gross but I don’t have the right to say with how often I wash my jeans. After a minute or two he let me pet him. I knew making any kind of attachment was bad but I thought it was the right thing to do so he’d fall into a sense of security. I was just about to take him into my room when the door opened.
“Hey, I’m back with groceries!” my shithead cousin announced with two plastic bags in his hands. He looked down to see me with the cat, his eyebrows raising.
“Aw come on, you know we can’t afford a pet.”
He groaned placing the bags on a table and unloading them.
“I know, but he doesn't look like he’s got a lot of life in him I at least want to help him feel better before he kicks the bucket!”
Brick rolled his eyes, putting the cereal box on top of the fridge
“Jeez, did you even think about what diseases he might have? His eyes look puffy what if he has something that can get you sick?”
He had valid concerns which was surprising since he’s usually stupid, but I was still annoyed with him.
“I’m sure he’s fine, I’ll even try to wash him, just please let me hold onto him for a little.”
He folded his arms looking down at us.
“Have you even named him?”
I froze for a second, before using the first thing that came to mind, which ended up being pretty awful knowing my plans.
“Cash cow.” I blurted, awkwardly patting his head.
“Honestly that’s better than what I was expecting. I was sure you’d pick ‘Hellspawn Mcgee’ or something else corny.”
He meant to make fun of me but honestly, I would have named him that if I had more time.
“Ugh, anyway I got those dumb chips you like.”
He then pulled out a bag of the wrong chips.
“Dude those are the wrong ones, this is the third time you’ve mixed up the flavors.”
He threw them at me, scaring the cat slightly.
“Well, I pay for it so you shouldn't be so picky. Anyway, while I was in line I picked up something you might be into.”
He then tossed me a trashy teen magazine. One of my least favorite sorry excuses for an influencer on the cover.
“This is a joke, right?”
I couldn't believe my own adopted brother gave such little shit in my interests.
“I don't know, you decided to start being a girl for real this time so I thought the makeup tips on page ten would help you out.”
I scrunched my face at his comment.
“Dude I’ve been this way for years, just because I started wearing more makeup and dresses doesn't mean I’m more of a girl than when I didn't. I know you won’t get the two-spirit thing but come on.”
He shrugged, seeing me done with me even though he’d just shown up.
“Yeah well hey I’m trying. Anyway, just so you know a friend of mine is coming here Friday.”
My heart stopped.
“Wait why here? You live elsewhere why can’t you assholes go there or their place!”
He slammed his fist on the table.
“Will you shut the fuck up!”
He screamed with a phrase I’d grown numb to.
“I don't know, to be honest, something about wanting to move into this complex and this being a way to scout it out. I’m just letting you know now so you don’t act like a complete freak.”
“Jokes on you I’ll piss in whatever shitty beer you bring just cause you said that!”
I yelled back raising my voice higher than his. He face-palmed before putting the plastic bags in the drawer under the sink.
“Whatever, you and your ketamine-addict-looking cat have fun,” he told me while seating himself on the couch. I picked up the cat and walked into the bathroom to clean it. I closed the door and placed him in the dry tub. Using a small disposable mouthwash cup I got a little bit of water. I hadn't had a pet before so I wasn't sure how to approach the task. I dipped my fingers in the water and carefully pet it while pouring s small bit down his back. Any other cat would fight back but he just made pissed-off noises without doing anything.
I scrapped my old shampoo bottle and kneaded it into his thin fur. His skin was bumpy and dry beneath the hair so scrubbing it was uncomfortable. I made sure to avoid getting soap in its eyes but I did pull away some of the crust on its lids. His pupils were so clouded I was surprised that he could see at all, making me feel even more sure that he would be on its way out with or without me.
After drying him I set him on a beat-up shirt I wore when modifying clothes. He sunk his claws into it a few times, playing with a loose string. I ignored him for the rest of the night, hopping into the shower and changing for bed. His meows woke me up a few times but I tuned it out after a while, reminding myself that he wouldn’t be my cat for long.
The next day was Thursday and there wasn't a second that passed by where the weight of the murder I’d have to commit didn't weigh on me. I seriously shot myself in the foot by taking care of that scruffy, pubic hair pile. I was supposed to be hyped about killing it, after all, I’d dreamed and seen way worse than what I was going to do. Yet once I got home and started setting up I felt grosser with each step. I decided to record it in my bathroom instead of my bedroom so it would be harder to connect to me. I set down a few fabric scraps and a worn-out beach towel, placing it all inside a tub for easier cleanup later.
“Okay, I guess it's time,” I mumbled to myself. I brought the cat in and placed it down, setting up my camera once it was comfortable. I also wore my most generic clothes in addition to a mask, putting my hair in a bun for sanitation. When I saw the flicker of red showing that the camera was on I felt I was dreaming. I smiled, excited that I’d get to live out my violent desires. Yet, when I looked down at its pathetic frame and confused expression those urges left me.
I rationalized what I was doing, reminding myself how many animals die all the time and that I’d been forced into this, but it didn't help much in the end. I won’t get into it but under the pressure of impressing the group Cash Cow didn't go out as fast as I would have liked for a first task. Getting rid of the evidence was especially rough, the textures were pretty nasty, to put it mildly. It was surreal watching the blood go down the tub drain and gradually drip off my hands as I rinsed them. I couldn't conjure a single thought the entire time I cleaned it up.
Whether I was wringing out the clothes or putting the remains in plastic bags, it didn't matter. All I could focus on was the task at hand, with hints of disgust along the way. I ended up finishing at three AM. My hands were wrinkled and shook once I settled. I won’t deny that during the murder I didn't hate it. Slashing into something was fun and it made me feel strong. Still, it wasn't nearly as fulfilling as I expected it to be. Part of it was guilt, but it was mostly disappointment. I’d built it up for years and it wasn't earth shatteringly good or bad.
Overall, I expected to feel more, but it just left me hollow with an uncomfortable itch. There was no way I’d ever be able to see the tub the same way, hell I don’t think I’ll ever use it again. Luckily I almost always shower anyway so it's not too big of a deal. I watched a few horror game videos, trashed everything, changed and went to bed.
My scalp hurt like a bitch the morning since I kept my hair in that stupid bun. Despite getting less sleep than the past two days I held myself together a bit better in the morning. I brushed my teeth, changed, and had some fried bread before getting on the bus. Regardless I looked like complete shit and struggled to slump into my seat.
“Rough night?” Abdul asked
“Uh, yeah.” I quietly responded looking to the floor.
He frowned, looking at me with concern.
“You can talk about it if you're comfortable,” he assured me. I contemplated giving him a thinly veiled metaphor or vague explanation so he'd comfort me but stopped myself before my mouth could run a muck. He wouldn't be able to do much of anything and I don’t like opening up.
“Uhm, thanks but it's something I have to deal with alone.”
He nodded, respecting my boundaries.
“You know, I understand if you can’t hang out today it seems like you have a lot going on.”
I avoided eye contact with him as he spoke. For once I was feeling hints of guilt toward a person. I wanted to spend time with him, but I knew that I wasn't in the state to do that.
“Yeah, I think it’ll have to wait, I’m-” I cut myself off before apologizing. A fact about me that should surprise no one is that I hate apologizing. Even when I do feel kinda bad the act fills me with embarrassment.
“You what?” he asked, his eyes telling me that he knew what I was going to say.
“I’m emotionally not great.” I spat out in an admittedly poor attempt to get out of saying sorry. As always he remained calm but I could tell he saw through me.
“Okay, like I said I understand, whatever it is I hope you feel better.”
I told him thank you and we didn't speak for the rest of the day. At home I changed into more comfortable clothes and brushed my teeth. Unfortunately, I wasn't bouncing back from killing nearly as much as I expected.
“It wasn't even that bad! That thing was on its last legs anyway.” I grumbled to myself, smacking my forehead. I was feeling worse than when I did it which is weird. I ended up spontaneously decorating a ratty tie from the bottom of an accessory drawer to distract myself. It helped me get my mind off things, for a little. I had zero plan, just wanting to make something needlessly complex. Hours that felt like minutes passed and soon it was covered in patches, frills, and beads. I just tried it on when I heard the front door open.
“Man, that shit was wild!” I heard Brick laugh groggily. I didn't have to see or smell him to know he’d gotten lit. I rolled my eyes, closing my bedroom door.
“Hey, who’s there?” his friend asked, seemingly referring to me.
“Oh, that’s my little sis, don’t mind her she’s just on her emo shit!” he joked, which pissed me off for the petty reason that I didn't even listen or dress emo.
“Hey, that’s alright with me, I went through one of those phases,” they responded, their words less slurred than my cousin’s.
I fucked up and forgot to lock it when I closed it so they were able to swing it open, almost smacking my desk.
“Hey emo girl!” they waved as Brick haphazardly pulled them back.
“Okay, man, seriously I think she wants to be left alone.”
The way his friend looked at me made me uncomfortable. Like they’d snap my neck if I pissed them off. They clicked their tongue while stepping through the door frame.
“Alright, but I gotta say calling her an emo is inaccurate, they look like they watch gore and most emos just say they do.” they flashed a sharp toothy grin. At that moment I began to connect the dots.
“Easy, she’ll get pissy with you dude, now come on.” Brick warned tugging their opened button pushed him away. They looked me dead in the eyes.
“I don’t think she minds, in truth, I feel like we’ll have a lot to discuss later.” they smiled again, finally walking back into the living room. A chill ran up my spine when I saw them. The sharp teeth, New York accent, unsettling gaze, that motherfucker was the person who recruited me! They were able to get into my place so easily cause my dumbass cousin probably gave them a spare key or the opportunity to make one, and now they were a room away from me!
I dug my hands into my pillow as I contemplated what to do, no matter what happened next, I knew it was gonna be a rough visit.

Hello everyone, I'm gonna start this off by saying thanks to anybody who will read this as it will be a long one, and anybody willing to offer me any advice.
PS. This post started as a post where I was asking for college advice, but as I wrote more I realized any advice would be really helpful so I changed the title a bit, Thanks in advance again!
[[ Beware: My whole lifestory coming up combined with tired midnight grammar 😅 ]]
To get to the point, I currently live in Croatia and just turned 19 a couple of months ago and a time has come when I am again thinking about college. Some background on me, from when I was very little I was always interested in engineering and art, it all started when a teacher of mine in the 5th grade of primary school introduced me to programming and robotics. From then on I was in love with everything to do with electronics, robotics, mechanics programming, and fundamental sciences, maybe even math itself, but that's beside the point. During those years the passion for all of that really grew. I went to countless robotics competitions during my time at school there and even won lots of prizes. One time I almost came to world-level competitions but sadly missed the first place by a point. When I was home I sadly didn't have much equipment for any of these interests except a computer. It seemed limitless what I could do with it, whatever I wanted to do I could make it. It's not like electronics where as a kid getting parts was difficult except from old salvaged electronic devices. I could learn and make whatever I wanted, as long as the old family computer could run it. So I started learning a lot about computers during these times like basic algorithms and some basic games random Python scripts etc. In terms of computers, I was no genius, but for the age, I'm grateful I took the time to learn even the basics of it. Other than that I was a somewhat weird kid because I couldn't really take picking off some classmates as a joke and got annoyed at it quickly when they started interrupting me while I was drawing ( My dad was an artist in his youth so I picked that up from him, been scribbling every day in primary school when class was either boring or some kind of recess ) but even though they were picking on me, I to this day still really don't mind them, we were a pretty close class at the end of the day. And that's how most of my primary school went by, me being social with only a few friends and my informatics teacher as well. Other than that I was pretty sad during those years, I couldn't understand people and was contemplating the meaning of life as well, and that combined with me inheriting some stubbornness from mom, she and I were always fighting for homework, screentime, etc. Right now we are in a very good relationship so I'm greatful for that aswell. Seeing how I didnt really talk outside of school to many people expect a few friends ( I do live in a small village so if they were the same age as me they were in my class ) i basicly spent most of my time while not staying after school in a computer club we had for few hours every couple of days a week, i was cooped upped inside my house, playing with legos, being with grandparents or my cousins or being on computer and doing some programing, scripting, photoshoping and other things you can reasonably excect a child to do. And so passed most of my primary school.
When time came to plan for highschool, I originaly wanted to go to art school, but was quickly turned down by my mother because she thought it wasnt a smart idea. Personaly didn't like it at first, but she is a smart woman so in time i understood. Basicly other then liking to draw and paint, I wanted to go there bacause my best friend from class was going there and he also wanted me to come along. ( Funny how me the least popular guy and the youngest guy in class and he the most popular guy in class while also being the oldest were best friends, but thats a story for another day ) As my mom turned down my suggestion for art school she suggested I go to a school for a Mechatronics Technician. I didnt not like the idea as well I loved everything related to it. Other than that another option was Computer Technician ( basicly a programming oriented path ) but I decided mechatronics because i said to myself i can learn programing at home because the only tools i need are a computer, and mechanics, electronics and robotics is something I dont have at home so it will be really cool to learn all of that here and so, highschool started.
Oh how fast has the reality come crashing down as I understood what the whole mess of the education system actualy was. Most of the classes didnt have any equipment to actualy do anything practical, the other small portion that did the rest lf the 95% of class didnt understand anything so we couldnt do much or what was the more often scenario is that the proffesors just didnt really care at all so we would come to class and do absolutly nothing, like literaly nothing except waiting for the bell to ring. After i realised that I just started not coming to school most quite a bit. Mostly was not comming on fridays, some wednesdays etc most of the times I was actualy abit sick, but every time i was sick i exadurated it so my mom would let me stay home. Even though i was missing quite a bit of classes, if a class had something to do with math or logical thinking ( which most were ) i would usualy either be best at it in the class or almost the best for the pure reason I was actualy really interested and loved all the cool engineering stuff. On the other side if a subject was about 0 logic, full random name memorisation like the croatian literature class, I was almost if not the worst in class managing just barely to scrape by. Other than that there was one proffesor who I admired so much for his style of teaching, as he tought me so much during the only 2 years he lectured me ( my fourth year of highschool he was out because pention ). In simply half a year we went from 0 knowledge to designing, printing, creating and soldering a whole circuit on a pcb, I was always there for his classes. On the other time we were doing something else, he always had some cool stuff prepared when i was finished with work early, he was a great guy and still respect him alot. Other than that i was really disapointed how there existed zero after school activities that i could do that had to do anything with electronic, mechanics, robotics or programing.
On the side of my social life, the summer just before starting highschool I realised this was a great opportunity to redeem myself as i really didnt want to get picked on like in primary school. So what other kind of persona would somebody come up in this situation than one being supported by my pride itself, other than that i was basicly a "chameleon" aka adapting to every person around me which was probably the reason i made some friends but it usualy tired me out completly. And so it started really great actualy, nobody was picking on me, i was socialising ( only inside of my class usualy, other than the people who went to this town from my village that i already knew, but it was a big step up for me ) and learned how to shrug of others banter by pretending it didnt effect me. It was definitly in a better possition then primary school alright, but i did realise alot of people just moving away sometimes because of how i just increased pridefulness as i got more vulnerable. I think i was able to keep my pride to just below some overflowing point as i still managed to make a few friends.
And so some time passed, at home watching more videos about everything to do with engineering, getting a 3d printer and messing with it, programing some more and even trying to learn some business, economy and more about money. I even developed a game for the school as some special thing I got by talking to a teacher of mine. Other than that at the third year, thanks to a profesor i was able to get in touch with a software development company and was able to secure an internship for basicly the whole summer, which was a blast. I learned so much new things that opened doors to alot more things. After that i focused my random "Jack of all trades" learning to be mostly focused on modern used technologies, and the needs of possible job recruiters, and well it in general. That is the point i feel i truly started learning proper programing.
More on my development of pride, in highschool and in primary school i was actualy praised quite alot and being actualy abit good at something maybe was the thing that allowed me to get even some friends by being prideful. We can call that being lucky as the stars alligned, but anyways. During those years i also had two experiences with me falling in love for the first time. The first one didnt last more than a 4ish months maybe, it was basicly a crush thing that ended in a broken heart, but o boy it was a good waking called. I wonder what would happen to me without this realisation. Then the next one lasted basicly 7-8ish months in the 4th year of highschool, and this one was much more complicated and longer, but after it i learned quite a new few things. These two things really awoken me to who i am today, as i try to live each day with as much virtue as I can. I threw out the pride out of the window, and dont really care too much of somebodies bad opinions on me, if there are currently any. I came to terms with alot of things and am just able to accept things for what they are, without judgment.
As im writing this its quite late and am tired so sorry for bad grammar i want to shorten this abit. Basicly my whole life i loved scientists, engineers and the idea of colledge. Was always dreaming of becomingba "great scientist" like albert einstein or nikola tesla but the older i got, the more things i learned, the more that dream of going to colledge got shattered by reality. As i realised the giant flaws in the education system, after learning about money and realising colledges are just big businesses trying to earn alot of money, and that that is their main motivation, combines with seeing that scientists basicly to get any money and recognition these days need to literaly hop from trend to trend, research what is "in" currently or well no bread on the table just made the academia route of my life shatter before my eyes. Seeing how i knew quite abit computers i thought i could atleast land something, but after seeing people who were much longer in the industry praise me for a impressive knowledge on alot of fields and my ability to almost instantly grasp any concept thrown at me, i actualy got a job. Well this was how I decided to start working immediatly instead of going to colledge. After weighing the options combined with the additional knowledge i got about the job market, this was an obvious choice. I believe that my key to being objective is me being realistic, so sadly i know am not some do it all genious and know i need to rely on whatever i have to use as leverage to enhance my life, so learning from Warren Buffet that out of everything I got, my time was my biggest asset. Simply being young with the above average skills i have, I believe i have a reasonably good chance to have a virtous and fulfiling life.
But i still have that burning flame in my chest, i still love the idea i had of colledge, of becoming a scientist, an engineer. I tried looking for ways to convince myself otherwise and see that i was actualy wrong about it all, but each time i look, more and more i realise my initial assumptions were right. The world is slowly moving away from official education like colledges as everything can be learnt online, because of ai the next few years are going to be revolutionary in all of these fields so either the colledge courses are going to be very outdated or just some concept of a job will not simply be needed as a diffrent one apears. The posibilities and their volatility is just so high that i dont feel even 1% safe actualy going to colledge, seeing how devoting like 5 years to it will mean loosing the onlx advantage i can use, and that is me starting out young. And as a bonus because i have a job i actualy have more time than colledge to persume my other interest like mechanics and electronics as well as actualy funds.
Thanks for reading all of this, I can trust it was quite a journey reading everything i written basicly half asleep but i hope you were able to understand everything. Im really confused what to do, as I love both options but knowing that one has a much better chance of being useful to me than the other. Any advice you can give me will be greatly appriciated, be it about college like is there an actualy good colledge in europe thats is worth it in my place, or general life stuff, about work etc. Once again I cannot thank you enough for reading this and helping me. Thanks!
Edit: I havent said much about my job because this is more of a general reddit but for people who are in the field I am a backend developer, with some freelancing and opensource contributions on the side

Apologies for this convoluted mess of a post, I’m in a pretty high emotional state and just wanted some second opinions.
First thing you should know, I have always been incredibly passionate about societal issues involving all aspects of life. Whether that be racism, classism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, etc.. I am a white woman from a developed country and I recognise the privilege that I have and I ensure I do not take away the voice of minorities but simply find ways to advocate and amplify those voices and to continuously educate myself to be culturally aware and sensitive. I’m trying my best in doing what I can.
That being said, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and he has known this about me since the beginning (also my bf is white).
Now, when I say “pretend to be a misogynist”, I honestly was the first one to really use this as a joke. For example, when I would come across a TikTok of a guy on a podcast saying that men have the capacity and right to cheat but women cannot because they get too emotionally involved, I would show my bf the clip and say “No because he’s spitting straight facts and why stop there? Women are emotional creatures and men are rational thinkers, which is why men don’t cry. If you’re in touch with your emotions, you’re a pussy.” Basically just some exaggerated bullshit that I would say in a sarcastic tone to really highlight how laughable these ideologies are.
He loved this and thought it was hilarious so he started to use the joke as well. He began to use it so frequently that at one point I jokingly said “I’m starting to think that you’re beginning to believe the shit you’re saying.” To which he doubled down and said “Oh no, you’ve caught me” and laughed it off. A little red flag was risen in my mind but I shrugged it off and reminded myself that I was in fact the one to introduce him to the joke.
Recently, I’ve been really struggling with my anxiety and depression due to everything that’s going on in the world and how it feels like we are progressing backwards as a society at times. I have had to take frequent breaks off of social media because of the bigotry I kept frequenting in TikTok comments and it would send me down a spiral of losing hope in humanity essentially (I know this is a showcase of my privilege to be ignorant, but I had to make the difficult choice of putting my mental health first).
I became quite sensitive to any sort of bigotry and asked my bf if we could at least pause with “pretend to be a misogynist” jokes as in my vulnerable state these ideologies were no longer laughable but frightening. He seemed confused as to how that would help but agreed.
Now to the event that caused me to question my bf’s intentions when making these jokes. Harrison Butker infamously made his commencement speech recently spouting traditional ideologies of a woman’s role as a homemaker under the guise of religion. This of course irked me and made me so incredibly upset for the women in the graduating class that had just worked their butts off for 4 years that had to sit and listen to this man that their greatest accomplishment in life will be when they become a wife and mother.
I of course shared this to my bf, saying how utterly disappointed I am that an influential figure can openly make these statements and think nothing wrong of it. In this moment, I truly just wanted him to share in my disappointment and disgust. Instead, he replies with “King shit 🤴”. I gave him another chance by asking “Don’t you think it’s foul that people still think this way? That a woman should amount to no more than a homemaker?” He replies with “He’s speaking his truth.”
I know I should have communicated my frustration but I just didn’t have the energy to start an argument over text. And frankly, I started to go into another one of my dissociative spirals where I was picking apart previous times my bf has made these sorts of jokes and I have given him the chance to express his actual concern on these sorts of issues but he always just sorts of doubles down on the joke and moves on in the convo giving me the clear signal that he doesn’t want to discuss this sort of thing anymore. Even though he knows how passionate I am with societal issues and particularly in this present moment with how it is actually affecting my mental health.
And to add fuel to the fire, whilst I HIGHLY don’t recommend comparing your relationship to those that you see online I had come across a TikTok of a woman showing her husband the speech and him immediately expressing his concern and disdain.
Is it all my doing since I started the joke so he thinks it’s okay? Am I thinking too deeply in thinking that he continuously brushes off any sort of discussion about societal issues? How do I approach him about my concern without him instantly denying and shutting it down?
TLDR: My (22F) bf (21M) agreed with Harrison Butker’s speech as a “joke” even though I asked him to stop making these kinds of jokes.

To give a little background, my (42f) last long term relationship ended after 10 years, three months before our wedding.
Everything was booked and planned and paid for. He picked me up from work one day and confessed he couldn’t marry me because he wasn’t in love with me anymore. There was no discussion, no attempt or willingness to try to work things out. It was just done.
I was broken. After that, once I started to recover I found myself reconnecting with my childhood sweetheart. The more time we spent together the more we discovered we still loved each other. The problem was he was with another girl. I will strongly emphasis that at no point did we ever do anything physical with one another. No kissing, no inappropriate touching, nothing.
He strung me along for a year telling me how unhappy he was and they were sleeping in separate bedrooms and like an idiot I believed him. I know, I know. 🫣
Eventually I told him he couldn’t keep on having what I considered an emotional affair and not tell his gf. He agreed and went home to do exactly that.
Turns out (according to him), that he told her, she broke down and he decided to stay with her. I’m sure everyone else here is not in the least surprised.
After that I decided I’d prefer to be alone than experience the kind of pain and shame of those two “relationships” again.
Along comes my now husband (36m) We met online and bonded instantly. We met in person a bunch of times, flying to and from each others countries until I quit my job and moved to his to be together.
After a few years we bought a house together, then had a baby and then god married. We’ve been together six years now and have been so so happy. We joke about how alike we are and how we’re practically the same person just of the opposite sex.
He’s not perfect, neither am I but we’ve always made it work and we might disagree and snap at one another occasionally but we’ve never had a massive blow out fight.
I’ve been sick for a while and it’s made me depressed, I’m also not working because we’ve also moved to yet another country where I’m not fluent in the language and am six months pregnant with our second child.
Now here is the problem. We’ve grown distant, he’s stressed and tired, I’m stressed and tired and / or sick and our son is a wonderful, kind, animated little soul who has endless endless energy but we both have struggled with him because we don’t have the energy to keep up with him. He’s not got any issues that we’re aware of, nothing has been highlighted by his kindergarten teachers except a short tempter but everyone admits that he’s a handful due to his boundless energy, endless chatter and somewhat wilful nature.
I’ve started to feel as though my husband doesn’t love me anymore. He’s admitted he feels put off from penatrative intercourse due to the pregnancy and honestly that’s quite common. He’s also told me how he feels like he never has any alone time.
Either myself or our son are always home and he feels stretched thin and over stimulated. As a loner, I totally understand those feelings but part of me worries he’s also falling out of love with me.
He admits that a spark has diminished and he hopes it comes back after things settle down and assures me that he still loves me.
We have a friend couple who we’ve recently started chatting to more and spending more time with and we both seem closer to the girl of the couple. I’m finding myself feeling insecure and jealous that he may be developing feelings for her.
She and her boyfriend seem happy and committed. They’re buying a house together and she’s talking about wanting kids with him. But when we’re out or hanging out as a four she and my husband still seem to be more interested in what they’re doing than their partners.
She’s younger and a very giggly bubbly girl and I like her but I’m stressed and don’t have that same happy energy I once had.
I suspect I’m over reacting and hormonal from the pregnancy but I can’t get past these feelings and I’m now almost in tears some nights and actually cried the other night when I told my husband how I felt.
I know he won’t cheat on me but that doesn’t mean his heart won’t want someone else.
What can I do to get over my insecurities?
TL;DR I’m worried my husband has fallen out of love with me, based on my past experiences and probably pregnancy hormones. How do I work on myself to get over this?

I have seen it so much online and even in person but especially on places like tiktok and YouTube. if you are not visibly autistic then people don't believe you and say you're claiming autism for attention, even when professionally diagnosed.
and if someone is visibly autistic, then people say they are romanticising or fetishizing or eggaderating autism or making autistic adults look "childish" or "a joke" or that they are justifying abuse and infantilization of autistic adults. the last part especially comes from other autistic people!!!
I don't understand and it's why I try to stay away from a lot of social media that is image or video based (as a poster). it just feels so hopeless. there is no accepted way to be an autistic adult or teen online that doesn't get you fake claimed or insulted or abused, even from other autistic people.

I haven’t had an actual best friend since high school and I miss it so much! I miss having inside jokes and knowing someone so well that we can just hang out and be comfortable together! If that sounds like something you’d be interested in please send me a message.
Here’s what my ideal friendship would look like:
We get to know each other and immediately vibe. We like so many of the same things like gaming, YouTube, anime, art, and crafting!
Pretty soon we’re regularly hanging out in voice chat watching videos together or streaming our games for the other to watch!
Maybe someday if we really click we could even meet in real life. I’m in the midwestern US, but I’m also happy to just talk online!
Idk if this is unrealistic or what but hopefully the right person will see this and reach out :)

We went to the early (6pm) show tonight at Levity Live in Oxnard and laughed our asses off. If you follow him on TikTok or Instagram and are wondering whether you should get tickets to his live performance, do it. You will not be disappointed.
After finding him on TikTok last year, I got my wife hooked on him. When I went to buy tickets last November, the only tickets that weren't sold out were VIP booths (four $90 tickets, but each included $50 food/drink credit). We initially couldn't find anyone to go with us, but I bought the booth tickets, willing to suck up the full cost if I needed to. Two weeks ago, we finally found a couple friends who had never heard of Jeff but were willing to split the tickets with us after seeing a couple of his video shorts.
All four of us were laughing so hard at times, we were crying. He kept the energy and comedy going for over an hour. He was every bit as sharp-witted and interactive as we had seen in his online clips. There were two openers for him who were also really good. There was one minor heckler, but Jeff handled him like a pro. I'm glad Jeff didn't let the guy ruin his (or anyone else's) night.
The last time I went to a standup show was about 15 years ago. Seeing Jeff (or any comedian, I'm sure) perform in person really makes you appreciate the effort that goes into that life. Not just writing good jokes, but having good delivery, good timing, good crowd engagement, good energy, and being a good storyteller. And being able to do it twice a night, a couple nights in a row, meeting with fans and selling merch afterwards, flying across the country to do it again someplace else, rinse and repeat for months on end. It takes a lot more than just a funny person to survive and thrive doing that.
Last, I have to give a shout-out to Oxnard Levity Live. I didn't even know they existed until I checked Jeff's tour schedule last November. It was a great venue - nice staff, good food, good service, and good layout.

i think the title sounds weird but me and my friend are the same age being 16 (march) while she's 14 but turning 15 in november. she said she should be in high school / freshman but for some reason the online school program she's in held her back . i turned 10th last year . the jokes we made together were "let's get married" etc and obviously inappropriate jokes but it's not serious and no we don't like each other that way at all. we are simply just friends
idk if this is ocd because i do have it and it can be why im anxious and her being held back isn't her fault since she should be a freshman . we are both the same age as i've said : 2008 and 2009. she said she has mixed freshman and 8th grade education. we both don't know why she's in that grade
idk if this is explained right but i hope it's explained right.
⚠️ EDIT: omg i just realized it says 11th I meant 10 im so sorry I got confused with the grades and confuse sophomore with 11th MY BAD IM SO SORRY IM NOT A JUNIOR

I have a pretty good relationship with my mom. We butt heads sometimes but she’s usually pretty reasonable. I’m living with my parents right now because I have a chronic illness and I’m working on getting on my feet and then moving out. I have a mental illness. I’m super healthy and have a bunch of healthy habits. I’m not a toxic person like the stereotype, I just struggle and I make sure to help my parents out as much as I can while I’m here. Just two months ago I was hallucinating so I’m on new medication. It’s working really well and I’m doing good. I go to my bipolar support group, I have a therapist and psychiatrist, I take medication. I’m on my shit bc I have to be. I never take my issues out on my parents.
(I know there will be people who blame me or judge me for having a mental disability so if you are going to do that, please don’t)
My mom has been sober for 30 years. Before that she was a mess, she’s told me intense stories. She’s very much involved with AA. She’s pretty high up there, she does speaker meanings in front of hundreds of people, all her friends are sober, her brother is sober, and she still goes to meetings regularly. Honestly, I am so grateful and proud of her sobriety. I know AA has helped her. I am super proud of her. She helps people. I just think she might need actual therapy instead of just AA work.
The thing is, she thinks everyone is an alcoholic. She can be very harsh sometimes. Ever since I started drinking alcohol as an adult, she has judged me. I definitely don’t have a drinking or drug problem. I drink maybe 2-3 times a month, a couple of glasses of beer or wine that’s it. I don’t even drink liquor. I’m happy with just a couple beers. I haven’t been blacked out since I was a teenager and I can’t remember the last time I had a hangover.
The thing is (which isn’t my main issue there’s more to this story) she literally judges me so hard if I ever drink or she hears about me drinking. We can be at dinner with the family, I’ll order a glass of cab to go with my pasta, and she will give me dirty looks and make comments. I’ve been dealing with this for 10 years. The one time I was hungover a long time ago I was vomiting, and she gave me so much grief and was like “wow you drank so much you are sick” and won’t leave me alone. At family functions I’ll have a beer with my cousins and she just vibes me so hard. She treats me like I have a serious drinking problem when I clearly don’t. For 10 years she gets shitty with me if she sees me even have one beer.
Well two days ago I had a great beach day. The beach was empty, my dog and I walked for miles, we ran into an old friend. It was such a good day. I deal with depression a lot so I treasure my good days. I was so sad that my day got ruined because of her.
On the way home I got a tall coors light bc it sounded nice after my beach day. I came home, super happy, talking to my parents, making jokes. I made some food, cleaned up the kitchen, did dishes and went to go to my room. we were walking to our rooms at the same time. As I began to say goodnight to my mom, she turned around, stared at the beer and me and gave me a nasty look. The thing about my mom she often lies, if she says something fucked up and I point it out she will lie . She does these lies and it’s so obvious.
After she gave me that nasty look, I calmly said “I’m 30 years old, I’m allowed to have a beer, don’t judge me”. Then she lied and said I was looking at your glasses. Gaslighting me. I told her, no you weren’t. You gave me a look because I have a beer. She denied it and I said “liar”. She lost her shit. She started saying you’re calling me a liar!!!! And started yelling at me. I stood my ground and said you were lying and I don’t appreciate being treated like that, you gave me a look about my beer. Shehe even admitted it and said that yes I saw you had a tall beer (she said tall as if that means something) and she continued to lie and said I was looking at your glasses too. I retreated to my room bc I didn’t want to have a full blown argument. She followed me.
The thing about my mom, when she is super upset she comes super close to me aggressively, like what people do when they are about to fight.
She came into my room and was yelling at me, saying over and over you called me a liar. She got in my face aggressively. I told her many times to get out of my face. It’s like she was trying to get me to fight her. She kept getting closer and closer until I was up against the wall. I was being rational and saying it’s not okay to treat me like this and she kept mocking me. Over and over, while inches from my face when she had me cornered. She wouldn’t listen and move.
We have a power imbalance in our relationship bc while I recover and get stable, they help me with gas sometimes or things like ordering contacts, or I’ll use it to pick up things for her or stuff like paying when I took her cat to the vet. I pet sit and pay for my bills. She gave me a credit card to keep with me just in case. I barely ever use it, usually just for gas id she says it’s okay. I’ve expressed my gratitude many times that they are helping me, while also sharing how embarassed and ashamed I am to lean on my parents and live at home for now. This hasn’t been how it was forever, I lived alone for 9 years in Northern CA. I just needed time to get more stable and save money, and have a place to live while I go to my appointments.
So she was hysterical freaking out, mocking me and getting aggressive. She all of a sudden yelled give me thee credit card now!! I barely ever use it, I don’t give a fuck about the card, she brought it up to throw the money thing in my face even though she knows how humbling it is for me to rely on them.
I said I’m not giving it to you until you get out of my face. She then grabbed my phone and said fine will your not getting your phone tonight. I said I don’t care about the card and you don’t get to treat me like this. She then ran to her office to cancel the card online. I followed her to get my phone back and got my wallet. She was hysterical yelling at me at her computer, and mocking every single thing I said. She twisted my words around. She also then said “Wow what’s going on with you tonight?” Alluding that I was being mentally ill or unstable, which she knew I wasn’t she just threw the good ol “wow have you taken your meds” to do a low blow about my mental illness. That in itself is so hurtful bc they know how much I’ve struggled with this. I told her I’m not giving you the card until you give me my phone. She got up and cornered me again. She got so close to me aggressively and I just kept telling her to back up. She got me against a wall again. Then she hit me multiple times, and I softly but firmly put my knee up and pushed to get her off me. I threw the card at her desk. I was saying that the card has nothing to do with this, you just brought that up to make me feel bad, you are so toxic, I did nothing wrong. She continued mocking me. I left and went into the bathroom and she finally left. I cried a lot in the shower.
I just treated her to a great Mother’s Day. We had a great time. It made me so sad and so hurtful she treated me like this. It keeps replaying in my head and I can’t believe she got so physical with me and hit me. The mocking, gaslighting, lies. Alluding that I was having an episode… that one hurt a lot. She didn’t say it genuinely she said it as an insult. All over a coors light. Her behavior was so toxic. I am hurt. I can’t believe she hit me.
I want to forgive her but I can’t bring myself to. I really don’t want to talk to her at all. She apologized over text but never in person. I’ve been avoiding her. Tonight, I was in the living room and she turned off the lights , I said don’t turn off the lights I’m in here. She coldly said “I don’t care”.
I need to wait to move out til my meds are stabilized and I saved the money. I’m a good roommate, I help them a lot. I miss living alone.
How do I move on from this? Where do I go from here? What should I say to her?

Quick edit. By no means is my title advice for others. It's simply my experience.
I'm 51 years old, married, father, and gainfully employed...... I always knew I was weird, off, mirroring, saying the right things because they got normal responses, etc... I set "rules to live by" years ago, but I never understood they only applied to me at the time the rules were set. Other people just... were, I was acting. Now I understand that, but I continue to follow my rules because it got me this far, so why not stick to what works, regardless of how exhausting it sometimes is?
I realized there is a diagnosis for what/why/who I am when I was about 40ish, when someone made a joke at a party not to hug me or I would bug out. I got pissed off and challenged the comment. The rest of the room voiced the consensus and went on to say they understood my quirks, then took the opportunity to bag on me for a couple of minutes. Honestly, I instantly realized how cool they all were that they knew I was..... me...... and still chose to be my friends. I did several autistic tests online. Every test indicated definitely autistic, no maybe about it. I showed the results to my smart, well-educated attorney wife, who basically chuckled and said, " no shit." She asked why I was suddenly looking into this, and I mentioned the party. She suggested seeing a therapist to be officially diagnosed, which I declined and saw no benefit to. I've faked it till I've made it this far. I wasn't about to fix what wasn't broken. I moved on after my self-diagnosis pretty quickly, but I have been more self-aware since the eureka moment.
A couple of years ago, a coworker with whom I have become good friends (work friends) confided in me that his son is autistic. I've noticed recently that he has been sharing more stories about his son with me, often asking, "What do you think?" I have been sharing what I think with him. I've never met his son but told him I understood his challenges. He replied, "Yeah, I know."
I have no good reason to share this; I'm not really asking for anything. I guess it's been on my mind more lately because of recent conversations with my friend. I found this group by accident, looking up something else, and have been reading through it for a few days. Thanks for letting me ramble here.

Hello, sorry if I write something wrong (english is not my mother language) and also because this will be long.
A little context: I (25 f) am not normally very social, I’m neurodivergent, I tend to dissociate a lot and if I’m out with friends (which is weird when I do hangout) is even worse, and I have to distract myself many times to not feel too anxious. I love silence and to have time to think everything before I speak. (I even have random scenarios in my head about conversations or situations that may never happen, just to be prepared to what to say).
My bf (21 m) is the opposite, he likes to hangout with friends a lot, he never dissociates, he never likes when the conversation goes silent, he likes to ask everybody on the discord calls to put cameras and do things together and just being the energetic person he is (which I love, he makes everyone laugh and makes silly jokes). He still goes to the university, when I wake up I get 2 hours to do whatever I want/my family asks before he gets home and calls me. Normally we spend like 8-10 hours together in call everyday. Also I think it’s very important to add that I’m his first real gf, as he had another one but she was cheating on her bf with him (obviously he ended the relationship when he found out).
We just started dating 4 months ago. We have an online relationship, I told him I dislike phonecalls/videocalls but I still make them daily for him as he doesn’t really like long distance relationships and it makes him feel comfortable and happy. We started dating because I’ve been planning to move to his country many years before I met him, I was just waiting to finish university and to have a job to start my plan of moving out.
The problem is he just always wants the 100% of my attention, which is extremely hard for me, I’ve never been capable of continuously give all my attention to something/someone not even for an hour straight, because my brain just starts feeling very exhausted and I get headaches, so I always multitask and while I do x I have a video or just a phone game open while I do anything I’m doing, or just listening to musing and singing.
He dislikes that and wants all the attention, everyday, all day. I’ve talked to him about it, many times. I had a remotejob a month ago but he wouldn’t let me work my working hours without being grumpy and asking me to give him attention and talk to him while I was busy with my job (he’d make videocalls while I worked just to be with me, I had no problem with the videocall if it was just us doing our things and commenting things occasionally but that was not the case).
Our first discussion was because I really needed to end our call/stop playing with him because my dad had a health emergency. He got very angry at me, saying he was waiting all day to be with me and I just left him there. (Obviously we fixed things, he promised to give me more space and be more respectful with the things I have to do).
We still argued more times because of the same problem, because if I just open 3 seconds another app or just read a message I got (just please keep in mind the calls are all day long) he gets annoyed, I get very exhausted during the calls, I sometimes feel like it drains me.
Today he went out with his friends (he always does every saturday while I normally just sleep all day or play videogames/watch videos or anime) I got a message from a friend group asking if I wanted to play something with them, he knows this group, we’ve all played together before with my bf. I like usual, told him that I was going to play with them and to keep having fun. He got home like 3 hours after I texted him, and called while we were playing, as you can imagine, he got angry because I was in the middle of a game with friends on discord and couldn’t really give him all the attention he wanted in that second. Even when I told him he could be on a call with me on videocall and watch me play or get on the discord group and talk with all of us. (That’s what I normally do when it’s the other way around, I just mute myself and watch him or just talk in the group call).
I feel terrible because I know he just wanted to be with me, but it was just not the right time to call and ask me questions. If I could have the possibility to pause the game, of course I’d have done it, but it was an online game with not pauses between matches.

I have a pretty good relationship with my mom. We butt heads sometimes but she’s usually pretty reasonable. I’m living with my parents right now because I have a chronic illness and I’m working on getting on my feet and then moving out. I have a mental illness. I’m super healthy and have a bunch of healthy habits. I’m not a toxic person like the stereotype, I just struggle and I make sure to help my parents out as much as I can while I’m here. Just two months ago I was hallucinating so I’m on new medication. It’s working really well and I’m doing good.
(I know there will be people who blame me or judge me for having a mental disability so if you are going to do that, please don’t)
My mom has been sober for 30 years. Before that she was a mess, she’s told me intense stories. She’s very much involved with AA. She’s pretty high up there, she does speaker meanings in front of hundreds of people, all her friends are sober, her brother is sober, and she still goes to meetings regularly. Honestly, I am so grateful and proud of her sobriety. I know AA has helped her. I am super proud of her. She helps people. I just think she might need actual therapy instead of just AA work.
The thing is, she thinks everyone is an alcoholic. She can be very harsh sometimes. Ever since I started drinking alcohol as an adult, she has judged me. I definitely don’t have a drinking or drug problem. I drink maybe 2-3 times a month, a couple of glasses of beer or wine that’s it. I don’t even drink liquor. I’m happy with just a couple beers. I haven’t been blacked out since I was a teenager and I can’t remember the last time I had a hangover.
The thing is (which isn’t my main issue there’s more to this story) she literally judges me so hard if I ever drink or she hears about me drinking. We can be at dinner with the family, I’ll order a glass of cab to go with my pasta, and she will give me dirty looks and make comments. I’ve been dealing with this for 10 years. The one time I was hungover a long time ago I was vomiting, and she gave me so much grief and was like “wow you drank so much you are sick” and won’t leave me alone. At family functions I’ll have a beer with my cousins and she just vibes me so hard. She treats me like I have a serious drinking problem when I clearly don’t. For 10 years she gets shitty with me if she sees me even have one beer.
Well two days ago I had a great beach day. The beach was empty, my dog and I walked for miles, we ran into an old friend. It was such a good day. I deal with depression a lot so I treasure my good days. I was so sad that my day got ruined because of her.
On the way home I got a tall coors light bc it sounded nice after my beach day. I came home, super happy, talking to my parents, making jokes. I made some food, cleaned up the kitchen, did dishes and went to go to my room. we were walking to our rooms at the same time. As I began to say goodnight to my mom, she turned around, stared at the beer and me and gave me a nasty look. The thing about my mom she often lies, if she says something fucked up and I point it out she will lie . She does these lies and it’s so obvious.
After she gave me that nasty look, I calmly said “I’m 30 years old, I’m allowed to have a beer, don’t judge me”. Then she lied and said I was looking at your glasses. Gaslighting me. I told her, no you weren’t. You gave me a look because I have a beer. She denied it and I said “liar”. She lost her shit. She started saying you’re calling me a liar!!!! And started yelling at me. I stood my ground and said you were lying and I don’t appreciate being treated like that, you gave me a look about my beer. Shehe even admitted it and said that yes I saw you had a tall beer (she said tall as if that means something) and she continued to lie and said I was looking at your glasses too. I retreated to my room bc I didn’t want to have a full blown argument. She followed me.
The thing about my mom, when she is super upset she comes super close to me aggressively, like what people do when they are about to fight.
She came into my room and was yelling at me, saying over and over you called me a liar. She got in my face aggressively. I told her many times to get out of my face. It’s like she was trying to get me to fight her. She kept getting closer and closer until I was up against the wall. I was being rational and saying it’s not okay to treat me like this and she kept mocking me. Over and over, while inches from my face when she had me cornered. She wouldn’t listen and move.
We have a power imbalance in our relationship bc while I recover and get stable, they help me with gas sometimes or things like ordering contacts, or I’ll use it to pick up things for her or stuff like paying when I took her cat to the vet. I pet sit and pay for my bills. She gave me a credit card to keep with me just in case. I barely ever use it, usually just for gas id she says it’s okay. I’ve expressed my gratitude many times that they are helping me, while also sharing how embarassed and ashamed I am to lean on my parents and live at home for now. This hasn’t been how it was forever, I lived alone for 9 years in Northern CA. I just needed time to get more stable and save money, and have a place to live while I go to my appointments.
So she was hysterical freaking out, mocking me and getting aggressive. She all of a sudden yelled give me thee credit card now!! I barely ever use it, I don’t give a fuck about the card, she brought it up to throw the money thing in my face even though she knows how humbling it is for me to rely on them.
I said I’m not giving it to you until you get out of my face. She then grabbed my phone and said fine will your not getting your phone tonight. I said I don’t care about the card and you don’t get to treat me like this. She then ran to her office to cancel the card online. I followed her to get my phone back and got my wallet. She was hysterical yelling at me at her computer, and mocking every single thing I said. She twisted my words around. She also then said “Wow what’s going on with you tonight?” Alluding that I was being mentally ill or unstable, which she knew I wasn’t she just threw the good ol “wow have you taken your meds” to do a low blow about my mental illness. That in itself is so hurtful bc they know how much I’ve struggled with this. I told her I’m not giving you the card until you give me my phone. She got up and cornered me again. She got so close to me aggressively and I just kept telling her to back up. She got me against a wall again. Then she hit me multiple times, and I softly but firmly put my knee up and pushed to get her off me. I threw the card at her desk. I was saying that the card has nothing to do with this, you just brought that up to make me feel bad, you are so toxic, I did nothing wrong. She continued mocking me. I left and went into the bathroom and she finally left. I cried a lot in the shower.
I just treated her to a great Mother’s Day. We had a great time. It made me so sad and so hurtful she treated me like this. It keeps replaying in my head and I can’t believe she got so physical with me and hit me. The mocking, gaslighting, lies. Alluding that I was having an episode… that one hurt a lot. She didn’t say it genuinely she said it as an insult. All over a coors light. Her behavior was so toxic. I am hurt. I can’t believe she hit me.
I want to forgive her but I can’t bring myself to. I really don’t want to talk to her at all. She apologized over text but never in person. I’ve been avoiding her. Tonight, I was in the living room and she turned off the lights , I said don’t turn off the lights I’m in here. She coldly said “I don’t care”.
I need to wait to move out til my meds are stabilized and I saved the money. I’m a good roommate, I help them a lot. I miss living alone.
How do I move on from this? Where do I go from here? What should I say to her?

im a trans 16 year old that lives in florida. i have been suffering from gender dysphoria for all my life and i wish i could be accepted. i live with my mom who isnt accepting of lgbtq+ people, most of my friends i am not out to always make extremely homophobic/transphobic jokes. i wish i could come out to them but ik i will be continually misgendered and ridiculed (although i do have a couple friends who are accepting so yay!). i hear people at school casually making remarks about trans people and its horrible how cruel people can be.
i have bought feminine clothing online before, but my mom found it a while ago and i just made up the excuse of "keeping it for a friend" but either way she still threw the clothes out. those clothes made me feel comfy and so happy.
i really wish i could go on hrt because from everything ive heard it sounds amazing. i have an online friend who was able to start at 16 and she has marveled about its affects. i hate that i have to live in florida and i have to continually suffer without it. i just wish i could live in a body that i can find comfortable and be happy in.
i just want to be myself and be happy, but the people in my life and where i live make it unbearable, does it get better?

Hey folks, I know it's Saturday night but was wondering if any other parents were in my same spot.
I'm just a dad who additionally works from home, so I don't get to talk to adults that often. I'd love to have an online group of friends I could chat with. I'm probably not able to voice chat often, but I'm often available. We could have a little bookclub, vent to each other, joke around, or just talk about our day.
Shoot me a message if that sounds fun! I promise I'm friendly and good at holding down my end of a conversation!

Hi everyone, I'm looking for your advice (sorry for the large text)
Just went on date with a girl (we are both around 30yo) I matched and been texting with for 2 weeks. She's looking for something casual with a connection (no HU or LTR) and I'm on the same mood.
Texting is good, she replies and is interested on keeping the conversation alive from the beginning so I decided to give her a chance. We texted for a few days, she laughs a lot at my jokes and after a moment I was slowly engaging for the option of meeting her, which she seems very interested. I also tried to check if she liked flirtatious talk, doesn't seem like it so I never forced it.
I'm a really busy guy and focusing on myself now, so I asked her out the second Saturday night after we match. I decided to take her out for some pool table at a bar, she liked the idea. I also told her that because of my job and the stress that comes with it, I had a health issue and because of that I need to shave my head now. I told her in a funny way and she doesn't seem to care much, so I was reassured. We were also already joking about a second date, so to say.
Here is how the date went:
We first decided to meet for a little walk around the bay, we walked like 30min, talking like we talked by messages and I felt like she was interested in me.
She's a 3Xyo woman studying and working here, but knows that she wants to go back to her country (that is why she doesn't want an LTR). I'm also here only for a few months so I perfectly understand her point of view. Very elegant, chill, classy, but with a mindset of woman that needs to feel independent (no problem for me)
After the walk, I asked her if she wanted to go to the bar or wanted to eat some food if she was hungry. She proposed to go to a restaurant that sells food from her culture and I thought it was really cute.
At the restaurant, we talked like 2 hours (60% me 40% her). During the discussion, I felt like she was very not into the small talk. Everytime I talked about basic subjects, she laughed a lot, but I could see that her non verbal was very closed, hands crossed, etc.. So I decided to focus on things that were more intellectual like philosophy, her feelings about the world, how does she would like to do things if she could and of course I talked about my professional life which I have a lot to say (I was a doctor student and I'm now an entrepreneur working online).
From that moment, she changed completely. Her non verbal was as open as possible, she kept replying fast, 100% eye contact, she almost never blinked I think (scary), so I think we both enjoyed that type of conversation.
We stayed until the restaurant closed and she insisted to split the bill because, as we talked earlier, she likes when the guy offers but she prefers to keep an independent attitude and pay for her things (Not a red flag for me as that's what she referred also before we met). No worries for me on that subject.
11PM, gentleman, I ask her if she would like to have a drink or maybe I accompany to her home safely if she was tired. She said it was late for a drink, but would enjoy that we just buy a bottle of water (we both don't really drink alcohol) and just find a spot and continue the conversation.
And this was my clue, I think, to ask her about how she would like to pursue our meeting. But stupidly, I was so into offering her the most enjoyable conversation ever that I didn't even go upfront with her about what she feels, if she likes me, if she would be interested in going further and I'm really facepalming myself right now. However, the conversation lasted up to midnight and offered her to walk her home as she felt she was getting tired.
She offered me to accompany her in between so that I could grab a cab easier on the main street. I do believe she's keeping herself safe by not showing me where she lives (green flag in my opinion). But I feel like it was also a clue for me. Like why ask me to accompany her closer to her home if it wasn't to show that she waited for me to be upfront again, but no, I was stupid enough to do nothing.
In the end, I take my cab, I kiss her goodbye and tells her that it was nice meeting her.
Conclusion: I feel like the date went 90% great, and absolutely, utterly failed like a dumbass the 10% most important part that is to show her that I really liked our meeting and might be interested in seeing her again or even ask if she enjoyed the date and would consider a second one. I'm still a bit ashamed of my new bald look and gets a bit nervous sometimes because I feel way less attractive that when I had a full head of hair. Plus, I think she doesn't like me to be too much flirtatious so it cock blocked me a bit as I tend to be more upfront with these things and don't wanted to screw up.
I truly believe everything I said earlier is pretty accurate and not fooling myself. So my questions now are:

• Taking in consideration my feedback, do you think she's interested? (staying to restaurant closure + offering to continue the conversation outside in a sitting spot together are big green signals for me)
• How do I manage to fix the last 10% if they can still be saved? On second thoughts, maybe it's good because she knows I'm very busy and like to take things slow to be 100% true to my words and thoughts. But it may bad to wait too much time to reply to her.

My idea is to wait until tomorrow and maybe reply to her by Whatsapp joking about something that I know will tell me instantly if it's dead or not. Then following her attitude, if she seems interested, tell her that I really like our meeting and would like to know if she would be interested in a second one.

• Is it a good idea for you to reply directly tomorrow, like 1-2pm, or maybe a bit later? I know it's a lot of overthinking but I truly think it will be disrespectful to wait more than 24h to tell her a feedback about our date and seek her point of view as well.

Thank you for your time

I am 8 months pregnant. My husband was murdered in front of me at 2 months pregnant. He was my best friend and soul mate. No one understood me better than he. Our baby shower is on Sunday.
On Wednesday, I spoke to my sister in law about a perfume he had picked out for me but never got around to finding one online. He liked the scent very much. She said she would try to find one.
Well, I woke up to a package with no return address. I text her a picture and said "thank you so much!"
She did not send it. My sister did not send it. My mom in law did not send it. I haven't talked to anyone about the perfume since Wednesday.
I thought my sister in law was fucking with me but she isn't and would not joke about something like that.
Literal goosebumps right now.

Hello mga kababayan, ngayon I kukuwento ko sainyo ang aking STE story at ang title na Ito ay ang maling akala Ito ay base sa totoong storya ko.
Ako ang gumawa ng kuwento na Ito at ngayon ay grade 7 pa lamang ako huwala ako masyadong kilala SA aking mga kaklase at wala akong kaibigan subalit noong sinubukan ko uli mag roblox nakilala ko ang pinaka kaibigan ko SA roblox at yon ay si jam(Di ko na ilalagay user for privacy reason) siya ay aking isang kaibigan SA online game na Roblox Kami ay nag lalaro halos araw araw ng pet simulator X at Kami ay laging sinusubukan lumakas sa laro na yon hanggang na kamit na namin ang aming pangarap na maging mayaman at malakas sa laro na iyon. Subalit ang lahat na iyon ay huminto nuong lumakas na Kami hindi na Kami masyadong nag lalaro dahil para samin ay tapos na ang aming pangarap at nag simulang mag labo, na kaming dalawa ay mag laro at dumating sa puntong hinde ako nag Roblox Ng matagal dahil aa online class iniwan ko muna ang online games para mag aral Ng mabuti at nuong natapos na ang 2nd quarter bumalik ako sa roblox at nakita ko siyang nag lalaro kaya sumali ako pag ka join ko agad siyang nag chat Kung bakit hinde ako nag laro ng matagal, sinabi ko sakanya ang lahat, naintindihan Naman niya at nag laro Kami Ng matagal. Ngayon punta Naman tayo SA ora's na ikinasaya at ikinasira Ng buhay ko, nuong half 3rd quarter na ang aming akademya sinubukan Kong mag seen sa aming online gc na hinde ako nag chachat, at first time ko mag chat nag hi ako tapos may mga bumati saakin don ko rin nakilala si Cedi ang aking naging unang kaibigan. Dahil ako ay may depression nuon at wala akong confidence na makipag usap kahit kanino sa aking kamagag aral. Nag bago ang aking buhay nuong sinubukan ko makipag socialize sa aking mga kaklase at duon sumaya ang aking buhay nakilala ko sina Cedi,Mark, Lawrence,Aaron. naging kaibigan ko sila, Sila ang dahilan ng pagkasaya ng aking buhay subalit ang iba ay nagdulot Ng pagkasira Ng aking buhay. Ngayon punta Naman na Tayo SA recognition day dahil wala Naman importanteng nangyari SA ibang quarter na iyon, nuong pag punta namin SA recognition day nakita ko ang aking mga kaklase at may nakita akong isang magandang babae siya ay Maputi,tahimik,maganda,at siya ay napaka tahimik akala ko nuon siya ay high standards. After ng recognition pag Ka uwi chinat ko agad si Jarsen, aking kaibigan noon. Dahil alam kong siya ang maaring makakakilala sakanya at nuong Una tinanong ko sakanya Kung sino Yong Maputing naka salamin na tahimik na babae at duon ko na nalaman na ang pangalan niya ay ******* nag Ka gusto ako sakanya nuong after Ng recognition day, at lipat naman tayo sa sept 23 7:08pm nag chat ako sakanya dahil nabuo ko na ang aking confidence at nag chat back siya, ayon nag chat kami araw araw Kami nag chachat at sinabi ko kay Sha na crush ko siya at hinde ko akalain na nuong sept 27 ni block ako ni ****, at ako ay halos laging nag papa send Kay Aaron ng mga message tulad Ng Kung ano ang dahilan Ng pag block, pag sorry ko maski wala akong kasalanan,at iba pa subalit, after ilang months ng pighati nalaman ko lang na pinagkalat pala ni Sasha na crush ko siya at nag sabi siya ng mga hinde totoong impormasyon about saakin at ang mga ibang tao ay nagbago ang pag tingin saakin dahil sa pangyayaring iyon. Inakala Ng ibang tao na, nasa gc Kung Saan kinalat ni Sha na ako ay racist,homophobic,etc. Ito ay nagbigay sakin nang masaklap na insecurities, depression, lost of confidence, etc. Ako ay nagalit ng sobra nuong araw na iyon at nag chat agad ako Kay Sha noong ona tinatanggi niya. Pero nag send ako Ng MGA proofs na kinalat niya at nuong una tinuring niyang as a joke yoong ginawa niya at wala siyang pake dahil hinde niya alam kung gaano kalaki maaapektohan ang aking buhay sa kaniyang ginawa ni block ko siya at ako ay laging nag ra-rant kila Aaron at Cedi about doon sa nangyari at tinutulungan naman nila ako. Ngayon naman ay malapit na matapos ang grade 8 subalit nuong December Kami ay nagusap uli ni **** at tumagal ito Ng mahigit tatlong buwan at muntik na kami naging magkaibigan sa personal dahil sinabi ko sakanya Kung pwede ako makipag usap sakanya sa personal sapagkat siya na lang ang aking kaklase na hinde ko pa nakakausap sa personal at siya naman ay sumang ayon na gawin ko ang itong plano ko subalit hinde ko magawa-gawa ito dahil pag sinusubukan ko na kausapin siya subalit bumabalik dila ko dahil hinde ko mabuo ang confidence na makipag usap sakanya, kaya sa chat na lamang ako nakikipag usap sakanya. Subalit nuong march 3 last ko na chat at hinde ako nag chat ng march 4 at march 5 sapagkat ito ay sabado linggo at mami ay lumabas. Nuong march 5 Ng Gabi nakita ko na unavailable na ang kayang account SA akin at ibig sabihin non ay ni block niya ako ule ako, ako ay nanahimik na lamang at hinde na ako umasa uli na ako ay I unblock or kausapin uli. Sinabi ko ito kay Aaron at siya ay nabigla ren dahil maayos naman ang aming pag kakaibigan at walang impormasyon Kung bakit ulit ako ni block. Ngayon naman ay malapit na matapos ang school year 2022-2023 at hanggang ngayon hinde ko na kinausap si ******* muli at ako ay hanggang ngayon walang confidence at balak na kausapin siya sapagkat nahihiya na ako sakanya dahil SA aking nakaraan malapit na ang recognition SA tingin niyo ba may part 2?? Sa tingin ko wala pero hinde natin malalaman ang ating kinabukasan kung hinde tayo pupunta dito. At Yan ang aking grade 8 life ako ay kasulukuyan na masaya dahil SA aking mga kaibigan at hanggang ngayon may poot parin ako kay ******* dahil sa nakaraan salamat sa iyo Kung umabot Ka dito ako ay lubos na masaya dahil na labas ko na ang aking mga nararamdaman salamat ule at paalam SA iyo kababayan. Magandang Gabi kababayan, ngayon ay ako ay nasa ika-9 na baitang na. Madaming nangyari bago matapos ang recognition Ng aming ika-8 na baitang. Bago matapos ang recognition, si Jamal II, ang dati Kong kaibigan ay biglang nag open up sakin, na siya raw ay nag kaka gusto sakin, kung di niyoko kilala, ako ay isang taong hinde alam Kung paano ang gagawin ko pag may mga sitwasyong ganito. Hinde ko na lang pinansin at nanahimik na lamang ako. Sinabi ko Kay Aaron ang nangyari at tinulungan niya akong maka lipas sa problemang Ito. Ngayong pasukan, hinde ko na pinapansin si Jamal II, sapagkat ako'y nakakaramdam ng Sama Ng loob dahil nararamdaman ko na ako ay pinipilit nuong panahong iyon na magustuhan si Jamal II. 3rd week pa lng Ng aming klase, at hanggang ngayong araw hinde ko na muli kinausap si ****, itutuloy ko iyong storya na Ito hanggat sa graduation Ng junior high school. Dito ninyo malalaman lahat Ng aking pinag dadaanan SA buhay, kung pighati ba, pag mamahal, pag kakaroon Ng sama ng loob, isyu, at iba pa. Aking babasahin lahat ng Ito pag dumating na ang tamang ora's at yon lamang sa araw na ito madaming kuwento pa ang aking ibabahagi sa inyong lahat, paalam. Akoy nag babalik ulit mga kababayan ngayon may bago akong kwento, so noong sept 23 sabado biglang nag pop up Yong acc ni Arianne sa fb tapos na curious ako Kung bat nag pop up and chineck ko tapos pag Ka check ko, WTFFFFFF di na ako naka block?????£??'? Nagulat ako Ng sobra pero hinde masaya kasi sa Wednesday eh 1 year na Yong block tapos Di pa pinaabot nagalit ako ng onti that time and parang na weirdan ako dahil bakit suddenly wala na Yong block? Pero Di ko na inalam and di ko na Lng pinansin and may na alala ako habang patulog ako na biglang gumising sakin Ng sobra. Kasi noon guys nong sa alt acc niya ako nag cha-chat may na mention siya na may nag send daw Ng proofs Ng something Kaya siya na creepyhan sakin, and yon ang curious na curious ako gusto kong alamin nang sobra Kung sino yong taong yon kung totoo man sinasabi niya at yon lamang mga kababayan paalam muli pero bago tayo mag tapos para sa isang parte ng kwento na ito may gusto akong sabihin sainyo huwag kayong umaasa pag wala na talagang pag asa di ko sinasabing gusto ko si **** pero mung mangyari man sainyo ito soon wag niyo akong gagayahin dahil masisira ang buhay niyo. Tulad Ng sinabi ni Duterte "huwag mong subukan, masisira ang buhay mo". Hello mga kababayan parehas parin na araw and may nagawa akong katarantaduhan, so mag lalaro dapat kami ni emman Ng valorant at sa maling acc ko na send, hulaan niyo Kung sino, sino pa ba kung di Kay ******* tapos ang nangyari nag react siya ng laugh sa message ☠️☠️☠️ at yon ang nangyari shocking hahahaa yon lng para sa araw na ito kababayan paalam muli saludo sainyo. Magandang Gabi mga kababayan andito muli ako para may sabihin sainyo so chineck ko Yong convo namin ni Arianne kanina dahil noon nag reply siya na Mali daw react niya tapos ginawa ko eh like sinend ko tapos sinend ko Kay franz tinanong ko siya, ano Kaya mangyayari?, tapos Sabi niya possible block ulit then yon nga naka block ulit ako hahhaha Kaka check ko kanina hahahaha, yon lamang para sa gabing Ito paalam mga kababayan. What is up mga kababyan wala pa akong kwento para sa ngayon dahil naubos na ang interesting na storya na nangyari sa buhay ko, ngunit may gusto akong sabihin. Balak kong gumawa ng panibagong mga storya na nilalaman ng mga andito ren na storya ngunit ang mga maikling storya na aking gagawin ay may mga detalye na dagdag na wala dito sa aking "Best selling Novel" HQAHAHAHAHAHA at pag natapos ko na ang itong "Best selling Novel" ay ako ay gagawa ng panigabo muling kuwento at andito ang buong kwento ng aking buhay kung paano nga ba nag simula ang aking buhay simula pagkabata hanggang grade 10 gagawin ko ang storya na iyon pag nag graduate na ako at bakasyon na. Balik tayo sa mga maikling kwento na may padagdag na detalye para sa mga kwento na andito. ang mga title na aking balak ilagay ay 8:37, M.U as magulong ugnayan, martilyo, pananalikod. at madami pang iba, pangako ko sainyo mga kababayan na hinde ako mag tatapos ng aking "Best selling Novel" sapagkat ito na rin ang daan ko upang ma ilabas ko ang aking nararamdaman sa mga bagay na hinde ko sinasabi sa iba na ako man ay, nasasaktan, kinikilig, kinagagalitan, kinaiinisan, at iba pa. ngunit since gr. 5 pa ako last nagalit sapagkat ako ay nagbago nuong nag quarantine. Ito na lamang muna para sa gabing ito paalam muli mga kababayan at ako ay mag hahanda na muna para sa ibang mga storya na aking isusulat Paalam :))))). Ako'y nag babalik mga idol parehas parin na gabi at ngayon gabi ay gusto ko lng masabi ang aking mga nararamdaman. Wala pong confession dito dahil wala naman po akong crus,h almost 1 year na po akong walang crush, pero ang timeline po ng crush mo eh biglaan na lang po ako nag kaka crush sa isang babae randomly at mostly after a few years every time ako nag kaka crus. Mga anim pa lng crush ko buong buhay ko at ni isa doon di ako nag confess dahil ako yong tipong may crush pero ayaw ma crush back dahil ayoko ng relationship, since bata pa ako at hinde ko pa alam ang sarili ko pag dating sa relasyon at mga nararamdaman ko sa mga nagugustuhan ko as a crush.... pero sa ngayon ang aking hinala eh mga senior high or collage na uli ako mag kaka crush dahil wala na akong feelings na mag ka crush ulit sa ibang tao, btw may ikuwento pa ako sainyo guys, si ******* pa lamang ang aking crush na talaga kong minahal, like as in, sa lahat ng naging crush ko siya pa lamang ang nakaramdan talaga ako ng pag mamahal papunta sakanya siya pa lamang ang aking crush na talaga akong nag ka feelings at hinde lamang dahil nagandahan ako, well sa tingin ko nangyari ito since matured na ako ngayon di tulad dati, at mas na iintindhan ko na ang relasyon since ako ay isang teenager na. grabe guys itong gabi na ito andami kong nasulat dahil pag dating talaga sa feelings ko eh hinde ko na napipigilan sarili ko mag salita kapag kinakausap ko sarili ko pag dating sa mga pag kakamali ko sa buhay..... marami akong pag kakamali, pero wala na tayong magagawa doon dahil lahat ng nangyari ay may dahilan at sa huli mo malalaman.

Okay, this happened last Sunday, right on Mother’s Day (not related to the situation, just for context.) I have this friend of mine, we’re just online friends (both girls) but I never felt such connection with anyone else like I feel with her. Back to Sunday, it was 5 pm, I had some relatives in my place when she called me, the first time I picked up saying that I’d call later because I was busy, and I truly was. This took at least 24 minutes but when I came back I was actually drinking wine, since I had helped my mother to open the bottle and got myself some.
Our call lasted at least 20 minutes or so, I was already drunk and I’m sure it was right there when things started to get bad. In some moments I probably sounded rude when trying to make a silly joke about hanging up right when she called again, because she called the second time by accident and I said “Oh, am I supposed to hang up?”. After those 20 minutes, the call abruptly ended I had the phone on my bed while talking to her, I stared at the screen clearly confused, but in my head she hang up since she was audibly busy.
Then she texted me “thanking me” for leaving like that and wishing I had a lovely evening” I was confused at first since I thought she was the one who hanged up. I said that I was sorry but I didn’t hanged up and I asked if she did it, everything I got was an “Calling feels like a lost cause.” and then nothing more. And I think it’s related to the other two times she tried to call me (unannounced) and I couldn’t call it back since I was busy.
I tried to send a meme from YouTube shorts (Which I realized that it was a stupid idea…) I got no response and then today her pfp was gone, I’m not sure if she blocked me. But on another social, I sent something else, yesterday which she just replied “:)”
I truly want to apologize regarding this situation, but I don’t know how… I wrote a text about it, but I’m a coward, I’m staring at the screen trying to hit the button, but I’m scared… I realized my mistake and i’ve been thinking about it all week, I truly don’t wanna make things worse, I just want things to go back to normal, because I truly love her and I don’t her to feel like it’s a lost cause or to feel disappointed nor to just indirectly try to make things right by sending random stuff.
Should I apologize right now or wait until the next day? We have a 6h difference in our time zone from what I remember.

I was cruising our shared photos (we have a few kids) and came across a screen recording of of a text and it was her referring to someone as “daddy,” holding a teddy bear, and… revealing/playing with herself…
I knew she had anonymous online accounts to flirt and post nudes to… I knew she was flirting with guys… but we had set rules and limits and agreed payment/emotions were off the table. I was told again and again that it’s just fantasy and harmless.
Being paid to perform a sexual act doesn’t feel harmless to me… I confronted her about it and she said that she was indeed making money doing it and was actually considering starting an “only fans.”
I told her to please stop. That I love her and she just… laughed in my face and asked if that was a joke.
I’m just… I don’t know how to feel or what to do.
We’ve been on the rocks for a spell but… i was emotionally abusive and ptsd raging (and I own that and apologized and have been working in being better) and she was emotionally neglectful and bi-polar … and we’re both in therapy and I thought things were slowly getting better.
But I guess I was wrong.
I’m crushed and I just want to hit the self-destruct button.
All these years. Wasted.
I want to salvage but at this point I think I’m the only one that hasn’t caught on that it’s over.
She’s over me and I’m just married to fucking memory, right?