Bubble letter conversion

just a quick rant lol but please lmk if it gets better or what I can do to make it better
I feel that I grew up way too fast because I grew up in a setting where my parents barely spoke English, so I was constantly translating for them. Even receiving difficult news, I was the one who had to break it to my parents.
Since I was very little, I always wanted my parents to think I'm doing fine and that I am always happy. So, I never opened up to them and I also felt so uncomfortable showing any emotions to them. Even when I was being severely bullied for the first two years of middle school, I never said a word. However, they eventually found out from my guidance counselor, and even then I pretended that it was nothing. Even my past relationships, I kept a secret. I feel like my parents don't even know who I am. I know it's partially my fault for not telling them, but at the same time (I don't mean to blame my parents but..) they did not create that environment for me to feel comfortable to do so. Therefore, they overlook my feelings a lot and even claimed that I am not sympathetic enough. For example there has been situations where people I know have passed but I am so uncomfortable to expressing my emotions to the point where it came off as disrespectful. But the thing is, I am an extremely sensitive person. I just hide it very well. I feel things deeply and little words affect me a lot.
What hurts more is that I have younger siblings who I have always looked after. I literally felt like a mother to them even though our age gaps are not a big difference at all. But I see the difference in my life and their lives. I love them so much and I really do want to do anything to support them. But my whole life I have been making appointments for them, making an environment where they never have to feel like how I do and hide everything going on, and more, to the point where I am still like a mother. My parents also treat them so much differently. Everytime they go through a failure, my parents are there with open arms and rather worried about my siblings being stressed about it. Meanwhile, I feel the opposite way. Whenever I experience a failure that my parents know about, I feel stressed due to the way my parents will be stressed and worked up about it. I realized I never put myself first. Especially my mother, she will even sometimes yell at me for my mistakes and while she has never yelled at my siblings once but rather hugged them and told them it's fine. I have NEVER received that treatment.
I also feel that my parents have never been satisfied with me. Yk the classical AP. I'm not tall enough, I don't have a high enough GPA for them (even though at the moment I am in the top 3% in GPAs out of 800 people in a high achieving high school), I'm not skinny enough (even though I have a below average weight for my height), and etc etc. Once, my mom expected me to make the soccer team when I never even got training and I was competing against kids who have been training since they were young. When I didn't make it, she was so disappointed in me and I was freaking out so much because she gave me a silent treatment. This same thing happened with my brother for hockey, and he also did not make it. However, my mom reassured him and said it's fine and that it isn't fair that the other kids were already on teams for several years. It's just so so frustrating to see this. I know I'm being somewhat selfish and I am not at all saying I want my mom to be tougher on my brother. But it's rather that why didn't I get this treatment? Why do I always have to be on my toes and why do I always have to feel like a disappointment?
Regardless, I have so much love for my parents. I have a great relationship with them. They are always rooting for me and wanting the best for me. However, it's just so difficult especially because I live in an area that is white dominated and it's so so difficult for me to constantly wish I got the same treatment as the rest of the kids at my school. I am also fully aware that what I'm complaining about is nothing in comparison to some of the other stories here, but it's just that I am extremely fed up. I know I am being unfair by saying this, but if I try to communicate with my parents in English, it's English that is just jumbled up, pronounced wrong, and doesn't make sense. And I KNOW that they are trying their best, but it can just get so frustrating sometimes because my siblings cannot speak our native language as well as I do, so I ALWAYS translate back and forth to the point where I am so fed up. This isn't just about not knowing definitions, but rather the college process, banking related things, medical related things, etc etc. The only person in my family who is taking care of all this is me. And recently I have been so busy and I am just so tired. I have so much anger building up because nobody from my town has the same experience as me and neither do my siblings. So I am just constantly jealous.
I am going to be applying to colleges this Fall, and I have never been so stressed. My parents have extremely high expectations for me, and I have consistently not been meeting them. My parents will say stuff every once in a while that really hurt. They do not have faith in me for the college process and honestly I don't either. When they suggest some colleges (ofc all with super low acceptance rates) and if I say something like "I don't like the location" they will be shocked because for them it's only academics that matter. But I want to be happy and I want to enjoy it if I am spending four years of my life there. My dad has even said that I should apply because ofc it doesn't matter what I want but he emphasizes that he doesn't know if I am even going to have options from being accepted to many and being able to choose. It's just so frustrating especially because my whole life I have been doing everything myself (well it feels that way) and all of a sudden due to college applications coming up, my parents are somewhat trying to make sure I'm doing this and that. I know that this also sounds so bad of me but for example my parents asked me "did you ask for recommendation letters yet" or "did you participate in school today" and I know that this is nice of them but from my perspective, it frustrates me. This is because yes, I did already, and I have been in control my whole life and I just don't like how they decide to interfere now. They have been completely clueless about so many things and honestly I really know that they are trying to help me and I know that it's nice but pls someone say they understand my frustration lol. It's like my whole life I have been responsible about anything coming up, and them making sure I did something (which I did) just frustrates me because I know!!!!! Like ofcourse I did it already. I feel like it's too late for them to all of a sudden want to manage and be more involved in my responsibilities, and I just want them to back off. I know that this is the support that I want but they should've been like this when I was so much younger. I would now much rather just tell the good news and they don't need to know the process I took or setbacks that got in the way. I know I am being ungrateful but I am just so exhausted and done.
And again, yes my parents want the best for me, and yes they don't mean harm, and yes I am living a financially stable life because they work so hard...etc.. But all I want is emotionally available parents. That has been missing my entire life, and it's too late to reverse this. Btw, I have tried and tried multiple times to express my feelings. But the same events just repeat. They have apologized but there is no change. It was even to the point where I cried in front of them (which is so humiliating to me), and there is just no change. I also feel like since college applications are coming up, my whole conversations with my APs have been about that.

(This is the letter I found on my notes app from a few months ago.)
If someone is reading this and it isn't me, it means I am no longer alive with the rest of you. Before you start assuming I did this because of bullying, or because of a certain person, you are mistaken. I've been feeling like this for a year now since the last few months of 8th grade. Before I begin to explain. I will list off the people in my life who made my weeks better everytime I saw them: Zoe Karleto Jasper(She goes by Chloe now) Izy Lexi Lauren Ladorian Aiden Peyton Nathan Donna Leland Kaleb Cesar Brian Dad Mom Brandon Justin Neely I'm sorry if I forgot any names, my memory has gotten worse lately. If it weren't for you and others in my life I would've done this sooner. You guys are the reason I like going to school. Without it. I'd have no one to talk to, relate to, laugh with, etc. All of you have taught me life lessons and things that have stuck with me till now. For Cesar Jr: don't ever blame yourself for my actions. I did this for my own reasons and you had nothing to cause this. Since birth you've taught me things no one else has. I'm jealous of you than anything. You have a car, a gf, a job. Funny enough whenever I'd be crying about my day on occasion, I'd sometimes think about how I wish I was you just so I could have the life I wanted. I love you man, don't ever forget that. For Brian: I wasn't a good brother to you, whether you believe that or not. I treated you with anger and hostility when you desvere an older brother to look up too. I'm glad Cesar fulfills the older brother role better than I could. I wanna see you grow up to be a good man, better than I was. For dad: I'm sorry for this, you came to this country with dreams to watch your kids grow up. Unfortunately if your reading this, you won't be seeing all your sons grow up. Your the main impact on the way I act, the way I talk, my demeanor. Mom's right whenever she says you and I are more similar than normal. You were a better dad than I was ever deserving of. Your a good man, whether people say differently. For mom: I wish I could've made you proud but I couldn't go on with my life when I had no reason to keep going. Please don't be so hard on Cesar and Brian, they deserve to live the rest of their time living with you feeling good. You were an amazing mom to me and I wanna see you live a long life with pop. For Zoe: for that little small few days we were together were the days I'll forever be grateful for. I love you and I wanna tell you how bad I wanna be yours and make you happy but I know I could never fill that role. I should've kept our relationship to myself and not let peoples words get to my head. I don't want to see you die young and wanna see you succeed in life without me on this earth. May you find more happiness than I was ever able to give you. For Jasper: There isn't enough letters in the alphabet to explain how good of a friend you were to me. You were one of the first people I felt comfortable with this year. Your always honest and tell me how you really feel about a situation. Even though we've only been friends for a few months, it feels like years the way I feel so comfortable when I'm around you. I even had a crush on you at one point since you made me feel so good I thought that was love. But now I know that's just you being a good friend. For Karleto: If it wasn't for you, I'd probably be sitting at the front of the class in Journalism by myself, because of you, you helped me be more comfortable talking with people in general. I'm sometimes wish I was like you. If you ever find this note, just know, your one of the reasons I didn't do this sooner man. For izy: Yknow, your one of the reasons I believe God makes people in his image. Anytime i see you, talk to you, I notice how bright you are and how anytime you smile, it makes me see how perfect the world is. Don't ever let anyone say you aren't perfect. Your nice, funny, honest, and nothing can change that. For lexi: despite us never having one on one conversations, I know your a genuinely good friend. You were one of the chillest and most relaxed person in any room. Live your life like that and I'm sure you'll live a good life. For Lauren: even though we've only been friends for a few weeks through Jasper, I wanna tell how much I wish the world was much kinder to you. You deserve a better life and you deserve everything you desire in life. Thank you for being a good friend to me. For Ladorian: I know I'm not a fun person to be around. I'm sorry for always talking about things you probably didn't wanna hear in gym. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable when I cried in gym class, I know you were just trying to help but I wasn't in a good state of mind than and now. Whenver I try talking to you, I know you probably wish I wasn't talking. You probably weren't trying to convey that but I can tell. I'm glad you find a girl you truly like. For Aiden: incase no one has told you this, I'm glad you were my friend. You showed me to be honest and upfront with people. Your genuinely one of the few people I'm comfortable with being 100 percent honest with. For Peyton: I'm sorry I was always mean whenver I'd buy you food after school. I know I wasn't a good friend to you whether you think that or not. I wish you the best in your weight loss journey. For Nathan: When you and I first talked back in 8th grade, I didn't think you and I would become great friends. I'm glad to see your improving in life and I want you to keep continuing to do good in life. For Donna: I always love to see you giggling or laughing whenever talking about stories or things that happened in your life. I wanna add you happy and content with your new bf. Your a good person no matter what anyone says to you. You were an even better friend. For Leland: I know your more of a introverted person, but I always like to see you smiling or laughing whenver your talking to me or anyone else. I cherish the times we played 8 ball. All the times we'd talk about anything on our minds. Thank you for being one of the reasons I didn't do this sooner. For Kaleb: I'm sorry I couldn't keep living my life like this and you deserve a better friend. I want you to know it isn't your fault no matter what you or anyone else thinks. You were a good friend to me. You helped me open up about my life and helped me make friends by getting me out of my comfort zone. For Brandon: You were like a therapist to me. Thank you for always helping me through my struggles and problems. Your one of the few people who I think are genuinely good people at heart. I was always jealous of your killer beard you used to have. For Justin: even though we've grown apart since we entered highschool but I never complain whenver I get the chance to talk to you. All of you were the reasons why I didn't wanna do this and why I waited so long to do this. You made my life better anytime I saw any of you. Everytime I thought about killing myself, I always thought about how you guys would feel if I did that. I know some of you probably won't be affected by me being gone and even though that hurts me to think about. It's probably for the better, i wouldn't want you guys to be affected drastically by my absence on this world. May you all live good lives and I wanna see each and everyone of you in heaven one day. Goodbye

PRESENT
This is Part 2 of 3, the Present, in game events we see! Onwards!
The Protagonist is some sort of content creator, one that goes to abandoned or forgotten places and "searches" them, as can be gleaned from the cameras facing the protagonist on his desk, and his conversation with a certain Laura, or LSparks53 (there's also an error in this Harmony tab, with one of the messages from Laura reading as from LauraSparks53 instead of LSparks53. Just a note). This Laura helps our protagonist, who goes by the username of eEnsign. His profile picture are the letters UF, which is weird, since it doesn't match the username, nor what Laura calls eEnsign: Ed. Anyways, I digress. From now on, I'll call the protagonist Ed as well. Laura helps Ed get footage of these places as per the conversation.
eEnsign: "Hey Laura! I'm doing another search this weekend! Wanna come with me?"
LSparks53: "The last few times I've gone with you SUCKED LMAO."
eEnsign: "Remember that old theme park we went to see as kids? Indigo Park?"
LSparks53: "yeah? I kind of forgot about that place? Been closed for a while, right? how would you even get in?"
eEnsign: "Honestly, I don't know. I'm not even gonna bring my equipment. Jump a fence of something? We've done worse lol”
LSparks53: "aight, well just be careful. I'm gonna pass on this one. if you can get in i'll go with you to help record some other time. i'm looking it up now and there's like NO info online about it. probably swarming with cops too."
eEnsign: "I guess we'll find out! I'll check it out, maybe we can go together next week?
Lsparks53: "just be careful, Ed. I don't want to be paying your bail."
And with that conversation, we learn that these two are like a dynamic duo of sorts, having some sort of channel or website where they post footage of places lost to time and "search" them, breaking laws of trespassing and such, apparently also having "done worse", whatever that means. Maybe they took a few things from the place, so burglary? It's never specified. Probably burglary, though, considering that Ed has taken to collecting all sorts of plushies and such from Indigo Park.
What I want to point out is how weird this Laura person acts. As soon as Indigo Park is mentioned, Laura instantly seems to dislike the idea, but never directly says it. Instead, she becomes reluctant to go with Ed, despite having done worse, as Ed puts it. Perhaps she's just cautious, and based on her last sentence, they haven't been caught before, or else she would have said "I don't want to be paying your bail again."
However, I don't think that's the case. Remember when Laura said she looked up Indigo Park and found nothing? Well, we know the website is still up and running, or at the very least, Ed used some sort of service like the Wayback Machine to pull it up on the right most monitor on his desk, which can be seen in the opening cutscene. On it, there's even an option to purchase tickets still, which is incredibly weird, which I'll also go into later on. Why would a defunct theme park need a still running website? After all, if you evacuate everyone from it with no explanation, wouldn't you want to get rid of all evidence of it? If not destroy the property outright, then at least take the website down. Again, digressing, the point is that Laura didn't find this website ... or she did, but didn't say anything.
Again, this is purely speculation at this point; I mean, the two of them have broke into a few places trespassing and recording and documenting abandoned places at least a few times for the internet, and maybe she really is just that cautious, worried about being imprisoned and charged for trespassing, and even attempted burglary.
And it seems like Ed is asking the same questions we are. Behind the Harmony tab is a notes tab with several questions such as "Why did it close?" and "What is left?", among a few others that are cut off. The next question seems to ask "Is it still" something. Seems like Ed and us are in the same boat. Hopefully we can help each other out.
Regardless, Ed ends up climbing the fence and enters the closed off Indigo Park, where dozens of crates stamped with the Indigo Park logo, along with trash, can be seen. Walking around, the main gates are closed off, and one of the doors seem to open on their own, allowing Ed entry into the Registration Center, a desk with a few monitors where a Rangler would sit and check Ed in.
Inside, the Rambley AI comes to life, noting that Ed is the first person there in just over eight years, before directing us to the previously mentioned Registration Center. It is revealed here that AI Rambley has access to the cameras (both computer cameras and CCTV cameras), where he notes that Ed isn’t on the guest list, probably because he snuck in, and didn’t pay for his tickets. However, what stands out as odd is that Rambley doesn’t recognize Ed at all, asking if he was here for the first time. We know that it’s most definitely not Ed’s first time here, but it’s unclear if AI Rambley doesn’t recognize Ed because he grew up, or the registration process requires a photo upload.
Rambley AI: "Hm, I don't seem to have your face in the guest list. Is this your first time here in the park? Or did you just get plastic surgery?"
From here, Ed’s directed to go through the gates, but both AI Rambley and Ed realize that the gates are not open and are instead sending an error message. Going back to the Registration Center, Ed finds and replaces a missing gear, and the gates finally open, from where Ed is free to explore. He’s directed to the Critter Corner, where he receives a Critter Cuff to enter certain areas, and the park, from where he’s directed to Rambley’s Railway to get to know most (poor Salem) of the characters. A massive statue of Isaac Indigo and Rambley can be seen at the entrance.
As Ed makes his way through to Rambley Railway, it’s clear that the park is not in the best condition. Ransacked gift stores, empty cafes with rotting food and festering drinks, tunnels collapsing at the drop of a hat, and weeds spouting everywhere even disconcert the AI Rambley, who tries to shrug off the state of the park by claiming renovations, but it’s clear he’s unsettled with how empty and broken the park is. We’ll cover that later as well.
On this ride, Rambley introduces us to everyone, except for Salem, indicating he’s friends with everyone except her and Lloyd, for whom he has … let’s a bit of distaste for. He’s shown to be sarcastic and snippy with Lloyd, but even his supposed friends aren’t safe from his occasional jabs.
Rambley when speaking to Mollie Macaw: “You sure are [the best pilot you ever saw], Moll! Why, you only crashed into six barns this week!”
Mollie: “I’m not crashin’, Rambley! I’m barnstormin’!”
Rambley: “Haha! What’s barnstorming?”
Mollie: “It’s crashing, with style! I-it barely hurts at all!”
The stutter in Mollie’s audio is what interests me. It could be interpreted as a glitch, which is certainly possible. The park hasn’t been maintained in eight years, and it is falling apart. But it could also be interpreted as Mollie losing her characteristic confidence, upset that Rambley seems to be so keen on pointing out her failures in her hobby sphere.
Rambley, when speaking to Finley the Sea Serpent: “Why the long face? And body? … Oh Finley, you should come out of YOUR shell!”
Finley, in response. “How about YOU come into it instead?”
I would also like to note AI Rambley’s interaction with Finley’s plushie.
AI Rambley: “Ooh, you found my buddy Finley! You know, he’s really shy, like, TOO shy, like OBNOXIOUSLY shy, but he’s got a good heart.”
I want to point out the fact that when Rambley speaks about how shy Finley is, he doesn’t seem to be doing it in a jesting way. In fact, he seems genuinely annoyed with how introverted Finley is, to the point where you can hear it in his voice, and he also uses his annoyed model with slanted eyes when mentioning it.
There’s also a note here that, apparently, Rambley and Finley have known each other for over 100 years, though it’s unclear if this is actually real information, or just something the creators of the ride decided to include for the fun of it.
And another thing. At the very end of the Finley section, Finley hopes that the rider will actually visit him and Oceanic Odyssey, because he’s lonely. Why should he be lonely? He’s friends with Rambley and Mollie, at the very least. Is it because he lives on the bottom of the ocean? Or for other reasons?
Ed then reaches Salem’s area, which is noticeably, horrifically destroyed, a splatter of something bright red front and center. This is where the ride breaks down, and Ed’s required to go and fix it, before continuing onto Lloyd’s area.
I’d like to stop the story to consider the state of Salem’s area; why is it so destroyed? I’m going to avoid thinking of the red splatter as blood, to be honest, but we do know that the Mascots bleed red, thanks to Mollie Macaw. In my mind, there are three potential perpetrators.
The first two are noticeably weak connections, and the reasoning isn’t 100%, so take it with a grain of salt. We know that all the characters received Mascots, so there are three of them that, in my mind, are capable.
The first is, admittedly, a bit weird: the Mascot of Salem. We know she despises Rambley and his friends (her relationship with Lloyd remains a mystery), so it’s possible that Mascot Salem was the one to sabotage her area, as a way of getting back at Rambley. Why her area only is admittedly a bit weird, so she’s not the strongest match. Another piece of evidence would be the smashed animatronic of Mollie. Again, we do know that Salem has used Mollie before by dumping her potions onto her and making Mollie Salem’s minion. Could she also have smashed the animatronic bird?
The second suspect is Mascot Mollie. She can be seen following Ed throughout the ride, and the whole park, for that matter, and we do know there is some bad blood between her and Salem because of the arcade game Rambely Rush. It would give motive for Mascot Mollie to do such a thing, and she’s the only Mascot running about Indigo Park that we know of; Lloyd remained in his theater, not pursuing Ed when he leaves. At the end of the chapter, when Ed enters Oceanic Odyssey, it’s unclear whether a robot or Mascot Finley appears in the aquarium, but he’s likely confined there as well. Mascots Rambley and Salem aren’t even mentioned once.
Now, this one is also kind of a stretch, but the only character that would have more reason to hate Salem more than Mollie is Rambley. They are clear nemeses (again, Rambley Rush), and have been for quite some time. While the AI Rambley is generally benevolent, but still with a sharp tongue, it remains to be seen what exactly the Mascot Rambley is like. His Mascot is still likely here in Indigo Park somewhere, one of the remaining two (Mollie being dead, unless there are several of each Mascot present, in which case this elevates the terror a few notches. Imagine being chased by seventeen Mascot Lloyds) besides Salem. He could very well be the perpetrator. However, I do have a bit of trouble explaining why he would wreck the Animatronic Mollie. Maybe because he knows it’s just a fake, and not the real Mascot Mollie?
However, there is one convenient detail that I have not mentioned. Remember the smashed Animatronic Mollie, and how we were questioning why she was wrecked in the first place? Well, she does offer us one clue. When Ed approaches the bird, Mollie flickers to life momentarily, her voice garbled and distorted until finally, she says this:
Animatronic Mollie: “Not Rambley! He hurts Lloyd! He hurts Lloyd!”
After that, poor Animatronic Mollie finally shuts off for good, her painted eyes devoid of the life she once had. Well, this certainly got interesting, didn’t it? Rambley hurts Lloyd? How? I mean, think about it! How would a raccoon actively hurt a lion? This isn’t like a honey badger situation; raccoons are much more vulnerable and weaker than honey badgers. What’s also interesting is her words themselves. Why would someone program an Animatronic Mollie to say this? We eventually find out that Mascot Mollie will memorize and be able to repeat words or phrases she’s heard, if Ed has the misfortune of being caught by Mascot Mollie later down the line. Is it possible that the same is true for the animatronics? And if so, does that mean that Animatronic Mollie was shouting bits and pieces out of context, or was it supposed to be something she was never meant to hear, and was thusly wrecked?
And even if this was out of context, that still opens up a major can of worms. Even if Rambley never hurt Lloyd, who is this ‘He’ that did hurt Lloyd? Keep this in mind until we reach Lloyd’s attraction.
Anyways, onto Llyod’s area. It’s clear that Lloyd and Rambley both don’t like each other, quite possibly because Rambley hates how Lloyd used to be number one, and Lloyd possibly because he’s not happy that he was replaced by Rambley as head honcho. Rambley, for his part, doesn’t really try to antagonize Lloyd, just wearily going through the ride and trying to get out as fast as possible here.
And that’s essentially it for the ride, AI Rambley suggesting Ed go visit Jetstream Junction. Careful observation would yield the fact that Mascot Mollie has been stalking Ed, studying him from behind the scenes, though she won’t end up being an antagonist until later on.
What’s interesting to note is that at the end, AI Rambley says this: “So, whatddya think? Pretty fun, right? Now you know all about my friends! And Lloyd …”
We know that Rambley cannot stand Salem, Rambley Rush made it quite clear. So, why refer to Salem as a friend? Why is her area so wrecked? Is it possible that AI Rambley has no reason to hate her, because he’s not aware of how often he’s pitted against her in media? But that would also mean that AI Rambley would have to be quite unaware of the media surrounding him, but he seems to know a lot about the history of the park. He still dislikes Lloyd, after all. And then that would beg the question if Mascot Rambley actually dislikes Salem enough to destroy her area in his ride. Too many questions that, unfortunately, there are no answers for. We can’t even see AI Rambley’s thoughts on Salem through a plush or anything, because there are no current collectibles in Chapter 1 that refer to her.
This is actually why I think one of the more intriguing aspects of ‘Birds of a Feather’ is Salem, and her ambiguous presence within the game. There aren’t even any posters in regard to her, unlike Lloyd or Rambley or Mollie or Finley. She’s just so wrapped up in mystery … anyways.
After finding out Jetstream Junction is locked away, AI Rambley sends Ed to Lloyd’s Main Stage Theater, where Ed first catches a glimpse of Mascot Lloyd, dozing on the stage. When Mascot Lloyd notices Ed, he runs into the back, and unfortunately, that’s where Ed has to go.
When Ed reaches the stage himself, AI Rambley tells Ed to be careful, because he has no vision of the backstage area, which is weird. AI Rambley seems to have access to the rest of Indigo Park, why is this area so special? It’s just storage, for the most part … and Mascot Lloyd, but AI Rambley still thinks they’re just as good as they were in their hay day, so he has no reason to be wary of the Mascots themselves until later. It’s true that it’s a Ranglers Only area, and we haven’t really seen AI Rambley in these areas before, so that could be it? Maybe because of his dislike for Lloyd? But then why give AI Rambley access to the stage at all? I don’t know, to be honest. Yet another question. However, AI Rambley does say something interesting.
AI Rambley, to Ed, regarding the behind the stage area: “Hey buddy. I got eyes all over the park, but I can’t see anything behind the stage. If you’re going back there be careful. Your Critter Cuff is not yet able to resuscitate you.”
Why should a Critter Cuff be able to resuscitate a person? From what I understand, it’s supposed to be like those Disney Bands that you can wear at parks, giving you access to different rides and such, even having complementary features of being a pedometer, mood ring, and a heartbeat sensor. This could either be a sort of tease to future upgrades Ed might be able to get in future chapters … or implies something darker. These Critter Cuffs were given to regular guests, for what purpose should they be able to revive someone from being unconscious?
Anyways, as Ed makes his way backstage, Lloyd makes some appearances, even once trying to attack Ed before being foiled by the massive boxes landing on him, causing him to slink away. Along the path, however, is something interesting. Binders, pages, even notebooks are scattered, almost like a bread crumb trail. I was never able to make out what they say besides some months like January, or vague Table of Contents with no explanation. Just thought it was weird. Food for thought. Grabbing the keys, Ed heads back, finding the door locked behind him. Trying to open the door yields an attack by Lloyd, who is strangely repelled by a high-pitched noise.
Now, from all that I have read, there seem to be two theories as for why Lloyd flees. The first cause is that Mascot Lloyd is driven away by the high-pitched beeping from the Critter Cuff. The second, and arguably more intriguing theory, is that someone blows a tamer’s whistle. A tamer’s whistle is a whistle used by tamers to direct animals, usually in settings like circuses where the animal has to perform some sort of trick or feat of athleticism. As it’s used more and more often, the animal learns to recognize the pitch, or duration of the shrill sound, associating it with a certain action that needs to be performed. In this case, the theory states that the tamer’s whistle caused Lloyd to fall back, before fleeing.
Now, while I think the tamer whistle theory is cool in concept, I don’t know who would be able, or more importantly, willing to save Ed from Mascot Lloyd. AI Rambley is not able to see what’s back here, nor should he understand what’s happening, so that removes him from the picture. Mascot Mollie is a possibility, perhaps wanting to save Ed for herself, as she’s seen stalking and watching Ed ever since Rambley’s Railroad, and even appears briefly in the hallway when Ed exits the theater backstage, but why want Ed for herself? They probably don’t need food, else they would have died, sweet pastries and sugary drinks present or not. They were left alone for eight years, after all. The thrill of the hunt would be the only explanation. And then there are our two unknowns, running about the park: Mascot Rambley and Mascot Salem. Could they have been the ones to do it? But why assume they’d act differently towards Ed? Surely they’d still be hostile?
And if the Critter Cuff was the savior, why was it ineffective against Mascot Mollie? Could it be because of the physiological and biological differences between Mascots Lloyd and Mollie? And why did it go off only when Lloyd was nearby? After Lloyd is repelled, the noise stops, after all. Was it the elevated heart rate that tipped off the defense mechanism? But again, surely it would have done the same when Ed would be chased by Mascot Mollie?
Remember what Animatronic Mollie told Ed with her dying breath? ‘Not Rambley! He hurts Lloyd! He hurts Lloyd!’ Could this be what Mollie was referring to? After all, Lloyd didn’t just run away; he collapsed a few feet away from Ed for a brief stint, paws pressing against his ears as Lloyd curled up into a fetal position, only running away when the high-pitched sound ended. Mascot Lloyd genuinely seemed in great pain, and was only able to run away, quite hastily, may I add, once the sound stopped. Was Rambley, AI or Mascot, the one who abused such a feature? Or was it someone else?
Remember, we have no idea why the Mascots turned hostile. Possibly due to a lack of exposure to humans, and thus claiming certain territories for themselves. After all, Mollie didn’t attack Ed until he entered her designated area. But then that brings into question Mascot Rambley. Where was he all this time? Rambley Railroad is his place, after all. But this isn’t Rambley’s only attraction in Indigo Park. At least one other location that we find that bears Rambley’s name is ‘Café de Raton Laveur’, which is French for Raccoon Café. Does that mean that Rambley owns other attractions, and is stalking those? It’s unclear.
Anyways, want to know another possible reason why there was a sudden evacuation with no explanation? What if the Mascots rebelled against the humans because of mistreatment? Think about it, Animatronic Mollie says ‘Not Rambley! He hurts Lloyd! He hurts Lloyd!’ What if Animatronic Mollie wasn’t referring to Rambley hurting Lloyd, but someone else? Someone who would want to design a special feature built into his Critter Cuff that he could activate and subdue, if not straight up hurt Lloyd? And who is the only other male character that we know of besides Rambley, Lloyd, Finley, and Ed?
That’s right, Isaac Indigo himself. This could very well be a case of mistreated creatures rebelling against the horrors they endured. Think about it, when in stressful situations, the mind, both human and not, is much more willing to go into fight or flight, is much more likely to punch first, question later. Is it possible that this Animatronic Mollie caught a snippet of a conflict that arose between the Mascots, when Mascot Mollie was trying to mediate? While this does go against the theory that Animatronic Mollie was destroyed by Mascot Rambley to silence her, it’s still a possible theory, no?
Again, these theories are very much a stretch, I just wished to lay them out on the table and offer them up for people to see and debate.
After grabbing the keys, Ed goes to Jetsream Junction, where Ed goes about exploring and solving some puzzles in order to progress further into the building, as it seems to be the only other place that isn’t falling apart and seems to be in somewhat stable condition. Inside one of the rooms is the Rambley Rush arcade game, and there is something interesting that Salem says in here.
Salem, speaking to Rambley: “Meet the new and improved Marley Macaw! Now with none o’ that ‘friendship’ garbage stopping her from tearin’ you to pieces. I wonder what she REALLY thinks of you now? Have fun finding out!”
Now, this could just be me overanalyzing this thing. It’s our only reference to Salem, and some of the things I cite as evidence could very well just be regular dialogue for an arcade game. However, on the off chance that this means something, I was very interested in what Salem said about what Mollie thought of Rambley. She makes it seem like Mollie is under some sort of illusion in regard to Rambley, like he’s a villain masquerading as a good guy, but has everyone around him convinced he’s good. This could tie in with the broken Animatronic Mollie, as if Mollie found out about some truth in regard to Rambley. After all, her broken, jittering speech made it seem like Rambley was actively hurting Lloyd. Could she have gone to someone to get help, but that other someone suggested Rambley as an ally? That could explain why Mollie felt the need to emphasize that ‘He hurts Lloyd’ twice, like she’s genuinely freaking out that her best friend actively hurt others he didn’t like.
Putting that theory aside, Ed goes through the area, heading up to Mollie’s ride, only to find it inaccessible due to major chunks of broken debris. AI Rambley seems sort of horrified to find the place so broken and calls up a repair technician. It’s no surprise that the line is discontinued, due to most Ranglers likely being laid off after the closure of Indigo Park.
From here, AI Rambley, still somewhat jarred by the wreckage he’s seeing, encourages Ed to go and visit Mollie’s Landing Pad, strangely acting as if Ed had just finished his journey on the attraction, when he couldn’t even step onto it. From there, Ed goes and solves some puzzles, making his way deeper into the building. He spots Mollie a few times as she gets away from him, hiding. What’s an interesting note is that some sort of liquid seems to be dripping from Mollie. When you encounter her in one of the tubes, she leaves behind some sort of reddish grime that disappears once her animation is done. Her eyes, also, aren’t the way they’re usually portrayed. They’re similar to Lloyd’s in that there are white pinpricks of light in dark sockets, Lloyd’s being thin ovals in dark sockets.
As Ed finishes up the puzzles, he goes deeper before he’s attacked by Mascot Mollie herself, fleeing through the numerous tubes and tunnels, before eventually leaving it all behind and entering some sort of Ranglers Only Area.
Before we continue, I’d like to point out something. When being chased, Mascot Mollie occasionally rehearses some lines she once heard, repeating this.
Finely, to Rambley: “You’ve known me for 100 years.”
Reasonable enough; she was there when Ed was in the Rambley’s Railroad attraction. No, what concerns me are two other lines, identified by SuperHorrorBro in his analysis of chapter one.
Mascot Mollie: “Get back in your cage, bird.”
And finally, this.
Mascot Mollie: “Get up you stupid freak!”
Remember, Mascot Mollie only repeats what she has once heard. She doesn’t actively make her own dialogue. Remember the theory I had about the Mascots having enough of their terrible living conditions, and rebelling against the staff? It seems like this is the right direction to go in. Lloyd and Mollie do not attack immediately. While Lloyd runs away, Mollie observes, watching, biding her time. She follows you to Lloyd’s theater, and what does she see, or, rather, hear? Lloyd being pushed further and further back into his domain, the one place he should be happy, before being forced into a corner, and where he lashes out. Even though Ed ends up leaving, he ends up claiming a piece of Lloyd’s territory, and Lloyd goes back onto his instincts, to hunt. However, when he gets too close, that blasted, accursed Critter Cuff lets out its horrible whine, Lloyd collapsing, consumed with nothing but pain. Once the sound ends, he flees, like a terrified animal.
And what does Ed see when he leaves? Mascot Mollie, observing Ed. She’s seen that, yet again, a human encroaches, pushes their bounds, eventually hurting Lloyd to get what he wants. And then, he goes to Mollie’s home, the Jetstream Junction, a place she’s been locked out of due to needing a Critter Cuff, but she wouldn’t dare touch one. She saw what happened to Lloyd, who knew what sort of anguish it would inflict upon Mollie?
She enters behind Ed, stalking him, fury building as she watches Ed run about like he owns the place. How dare this man, this human, walk upon her domain whenever he wants, but she has to wait until she’s let in, like some sort of caged bird. Well, she’s not a caged bird, and she’ll make Ed see that.
At first, when AI Rambley sees Ed, he wishes to stop Ed, but seeing a towering Mascot Mollie chasing him, he opens the door, slamming it shut behind Ed just as Mascot Mollie’s head enters the room, killing the Mascot instantly as blood sprays all over the metallic door and floor. AI Rambley attempts to act like nothing happened, but fails, sighing.
He explains that he didn’t realize the danger of Indigo Park and its inhabitants due to being stuck in that early Reception Center for all of those eight, lonely years, unable to see or interact with anything inside. He was just so excited to finally see an actual person that he pushed Ed into this tour, realizing that, with the way things were, there was no way Ed would come out unscathed, and the AI seems genuine in his sorrow. However, he asks for Ed to help restore the park to the former glory, and, miraculously, Ed agrees. However, before Ed leaves, AI Rambley drops this one last piece of vital information.
AI Rambley: “Whew! That was exhausting to say that whole spiel, but Rambley’s Ranglers (registered) is a registered trademark … that expired yesterday.”
Okay, so couple things. From my impression, I had the feeling that somehow, someway the Indigo Company as a whole was alive and kicking. I mean, look at what Ed has to say when he interacts with the Rambley Raccoon plushy.
Ed: “Ah, there’s my buddy. Kinda feels like Rambley has a whole empire now, being the main man of Indigo and all.”
Ed gives us the distinct impression that not only is Indigo still around, but it’s also positively thriving, yet they allow their trademarks to expire? Trademarks essentially last forever, but you have to fight, in court, to let them continue every ten years or so. If Indigo is based on Disney, the stingiest, largest entertainment company, why would they let their trademark expire, and give access to others? Well, this might have to do with the initial terms.
You see, in order to keep a trademark, you have to defend its usage every ten years. Well, okay, then why didn’t Indigo do so? One of the terms for renewal is that you have to continuously use that trademark. You can’t just claim one and never use it again, that’s basically an infraction upon free speech. Sure, you can fight for its ownership, but there are rules and regulations to these kinds of things, you can’t just trademark something like ‘Oof’ or ‘Lmao’ and keep it without at least saying those phrases occassionally.
And, so far as we know, there are no other places such as Indigo Park owns. Ranglers are synonymous with staff in the park, so obviously, it would be hard to justify keeping a trademark when you never expect to use it. So, that’s my theory on why the trademark did indeed expire the day previously, October 6^th, 2023 (apparently, the creator confirmed the game takes place in 2023, so, that means that Ed arrives on October 7^th, 2023, and the last person to enter park left on October 7^th, 2015).
Anyways, after that, AI Rambley leads Ed to Oceanic Odyssey with the intention to get it back up and running, as it has been closed due to repairs, something that AI Rambley hopes Ed can assist with. As Ed exits, he tries entering a hallway, which AI Rambley blocks.
AI Rambley: “Uh oh. That Rambley’s Ranglers room is only accessible by Royal Ranglers. Maybe you’ll grow up big and strong enough to enter it! But for now, don’t.”
This is the first instance of hierarchy within the Ranglers that Ed has been introduced to so far, and the dark undertone AI Rambley takes when he tells Ed not to go there is somewhat concerning. What exactly is AI Rambley hiding back there? Well, I have a few hunches.
Let’s point out the obvious regarding our friends, the Mascots; they’re not regular animals. Obviously, regular animals don’t have dark orbitals with thin white slits, or have turquoise noses, or have macaws the size of cassowaries. However, they are still animals, creatures of flesh and blood that act like their regular animal counterparts; Lloyd is an ambush predator, stalking until he himself is presented with an opportunity to attack. However, lions are known to just straight up attack if they are discovered by accident, especially if the prey is weaker and slower than them. Lloyd runs away instead of attacking.
Similarly, Mollie follows Ed warily, unsure of what to think of him for most of the time. She never aggresses until he enters her territory, and even then, she’s surprisingly lenient with Ed, straight up until he finishes those color-coded symbol puzzles. Only then does she attack. And even then, this is a behavior reflected in regular macaws as well, as these birds are fiercely territorial of their area.
So, these Mascots didn’t pop up straight from the ground, did they? They had to be bioengineered at the very least, mutated regular animals becoming the Mascots guests once knew and loved. They are, however, animals at their core, animals that do not attack for no reason. They try to deescalate the situation, as Lloyd does when he runs backstage, and when Mollie pulls herself back through the tunnels, away from Ed, and striding through the corridors, until she eventually loses patience and chases after Ed through Jetsream Junction.
I’d like to propose the theory that these Mascots were created in that area of Jetstream Junction, hidden underground and away from prying eyes. This is also where the Mascots were likely mistreated and abused, called horribly names at the very least, and endured beatings and humiliating acts at their worst. This is also likely where the Mascots originally snapped. After all, literally not a single guest understands why they were evacuated. Unless the guests who saw what happened were silenced, there should have been something floating around the Internet, on some obscure forum.
Now, why would AI Rambley hide this? Because he now understands that these Mascots are dangerous, a risk he cannot allow, since he enlisted Ed to bring the park back from the dead. AI Rambley realizes that Ed doesn’t have the tools to survive that area; perhaps because one of the Mascots lurks in there, locked away, or because he doesn’t want Ed to flee, horrified as to the scientific process that allowed for the mutated abominations to roam Indigo Park.
Regardless, Ed finally makes his way to the entrance of Oceanic Odyssey, home of the Mascot Finley. In fact, we actually get to see a glimpse of Finely’s actual size in one of the aquariums as his large head and long torso appear, before the chapter ends. I don’t believe that this is an animatronic, as electricity and water do not mix, especially animatronic with running current of electricity in water.
And that’s where Chapter 1 of Indigo Park, ‘Birds of a Feather’, ends off. Chapter Two will likely revolve mostly, if not totally, around Oceanic Odyssey and Mascot Finley.
So, I have two predictions as for where the next chapter might go. Based on the reactions Mascots previously had to Ed, I believe that Mascot Finley will not be attacking immediately. He’ll likely be observing, like Mollie, at least for a certain amount of time, until he proceeds to attack and harass Ed around his attraction. Ed will eventually get Oceanic Odyssey up and running, and have to leave Mascot Finley behind, as he’s still hostile and very much a danger to Ed.
The alternative to this is that once Mascot Finely realizes what Ed is trying to do, he stops being aggressive, and might instead become a temporary ally, allowing Ed to reach certain locations with his knowledge of the place.
Regardless of Mascot Finley’s ultimate fate, Oceanic Odyssey being powered on will likely catch the attention of Indigo. Based on the information we know so far, Indigo is still a well known, public entity. It’s possible that Indigo abandoned the theme park route, instead focusing exclusively on media such as cartoons, movies, and merch, or they might have other sister locations to Indigo Park. It’s unclear.
Whew. In the words of AI Rambley, this is a lot of information. Almost nine thousand words in, and we finally finish covering Chapter 1. So, let’s proceed to the Conclusion I draw regarding the story Indigo Park tries to tell, and the future events that might transpire.

Yesterday, I had my graduation ceremony. After years of university with absolutely no help besides occasional rides to the bus stop and, very rarely, to campus, I finally graduated. Here's what my parents have done in the lead-up to graduation and the day after instead of supporting me.
My parents spent months leading up to the graduation freaking out about how I'll get a job, trying to control my hair and clothing (even implying I'm ugly when I choose my own hair and clothing), harassing me to hand out business cards to everyone I meet (especially if the situation would be an immense faux pas), grilling me on if my grades are good, lecturing me relentlessly about how I need to keep in contact with people in my class and it's soooo important and would I like to hear about how my dad got a job through nepotism for the eightieth time, asking me questions they already know the answers to (Yes, I'm still talking to my former classmates. Yes, I know that you worked in the Yukon when you were 18. Yes, I know about your friend who worked in a weather station. Yes, I know you had to move to find a job in the 1980s. Yes, I am aware that it is a possibility I might have to move too. Yes, I know that it's okay to invite people over to the house, you've only "informed" me about a hundred times. Yes, I know that school is important.) Every single thing that they "inform" me about is something I have very clearly expressed that I understand, and is just thinly veiled criticism. But my dad needs to lecture more than he needs oxygen.
Just constant nitpicking, criticism, and nothing I ever did was enough. I couldn't even focus on grades, because they would in their own words "put pressure on" me to do what they wanted. To handle their emotions for them. They're obsessed with the idea that I would have to move to a tiny town or work in a coal mine to find a job, because I'm more highly educated than my dad (who dropped out of university despite having all expenses paid by his father), and because my dad worked in the Yukon for two summers. He will never shut up about that, and he even goes so far as to hold us hostage with implicit threat of a massive tantrum to listen to him tell us the story again and again and again and to show us pictures of the place he worked on Google maps and point to everything he remembers. Sometimes he can go on for half an hour just repeating himself over and over.
Last summer, my parents even went and took action without my knowledge or approval to try and get a job set up for me cleaning up a mine contaminated with arsenic in the middle of nowhere, NWT. They tried to guilt and shame me into it ("What are your plans instead? Do you have another job lined up? Because you need to have a job. You can't sit around all day." This coming almost literally one week into summer vacation after my second-last year of university, when I could be using my energy to find interesting co-ops or explore hobbies or travel, instead dealing with their harassment and obsession with trying to literally trap me in a fucking arsenic mine.) They went on and on, lectured me over and over, implied that I would be embarrassing my grandfather if I didn't go, and so on. Eventually they said "You can go work or get a certification", and I picked the certification, but then they got grumpy anyways, and every week for the entire summer they would ask "Are you still working on the certification?". Of course, dipsh*t. I've told you fifty times how long the program lasts.
They don't care about what I'm learning in class, don't care about my hobbies or interests, only care about my friends as either a means to get backdoored into a job or a "nice French Canadian woman" to have babies with. They don't care if I'm struggling, and are completely unavailable to help in any regard. Any request for help would result in a guilt trip. Even if I actually couldn't eat dinner with the family for one day because I had a test, my father would get raw emotions and I'd have to walk on eggshells for a few days. The one time I mentioned I was having trouble studying, instead of shutting up and no longer ranting in the main floor where I could hear him or turning the TV off, he just dragged a table into the unfurnished boiler room (without asking me) and then told me that I would have to study there. I wasn't allowed to choose not to, because he'd already set it up. Ironically, my anger at him did let me study pretty well for the one day that I was forced there. He tried to keep me there long-term because he thought it was just such a great idea, but I managed to trick him into thinking I didn't need help studying anymore, so I got to study at a desk with a light on it and flooring that wasn't bare cement. Hooray for the most minor victory imaginable.
In the months leading up to graduation, did they care about how hard I was working at my capstone project and offer support? Absolutely not! Did they care about how well my sleep quality was, how many times the cat woke me up because they didn't play with her enough or give her enough attention? Nope! Did they care about how exhausting it was to deal with their constant lectures on the same topics, and to have to give them affirmations ("Yes, you're right, that's right, good job, nice, very tasty, good work, oh really?, neat, that's cool, how'd you make that?, mhm, I agree, you're being reasonable, they're being ridiculous, that's crazy") a hundred times a day? Not even in the slightest!
We spend more time talking about my dad's college friends than about anything I or my brother care about.
Then, leading up to graduation. all I've gotten are the most humiliating, infuriating, insulting messages and lectures from my parents. I get almost daily emails and texts saying "You need to get a job, it's important to look for a job" despite the fact I've told them I am looking probably fifty times. Too cowardly to say it to my face. I've been texted literal links to a Google search for "[degree name] jobs [city]" more than once. Both my parents treat me like I don't listen, when I do. They treat me like I'm lazy, when I've put myself through university with no help even after they lied to me about giving me financial aid and made me out to be a bully demanding more money when all I did was say "alright" and then pay for it myself. They must have sternly given me a talking to about how "I'm not going to pay for university, you know that, right? You need to pay. Don't expect us to pay. Because we paid for your first semesters, you know that, right? We've already paid for enough." thirty times, even after I'd made the final payment. They treat me like I'm stupid when I have expressed understanding before. They treat me like I'm a bully while I always bend over backwards for them, just because I don't play my role as "surrogate mommy but this time I get to tell her what to do" well enough.
It feels like they're almost raising me into a replacement or surrogate parent. Like my dad wants me to be his mom or dad, except this time he gets to be in charge. And my mom wants me to be her mom, except this time when she freaks out or has her deer in headlights look, she'll get someone to step up and take care of everything for her. I distinctly remember having to comfort her even for things she did to me, like tell me that a pair of comfortable shoes I picked out was good and she'd get them, and then immediately scream "take it out, take it out!" after it was scanned at the register. I could not have been older than twelve. And for my dad, he always rants and raves to me exactly like he does to his parents, except without including blame for them sending him to boarding school and instead having tons of old "life updates" like where he worked when he was 18 and what music he liked to listen to in high school, stuff like that. Then he expects me to praise him or be interested like his parents never were (he always tells me that his parents only cared about his car when they called).
So now I graduated. All they had to say in the days coming up to it was to grill me on the time I'd have to be at the venue and the time I was planning to leave the house to get there on time, with a distinct air of "you're too lazy to think of this in advance and too stupid to figure it out without a plan". Of course, I had to answer this question probably five times, because they don't care to ever listen to me. Before the ceremony I got text messages showing they were way more excited about themselves being here than anything relating to me, with multiple messages expressing how they arrived and it was exciting, then they asked me how the atmosphere was and their only reply was a one-word "nice" with no punctuation, because they don't care about me and only ask droll questions to segue into their next bit.
After grad, there was two generic sentences spoken with no emotion about how it was nice I graduated, and then they made a whole song and dance about the amazing gifts they got me. It was a degree frame I picked out myself that my dad presented as new and exciting (because he never pays attention to me, of course, when I told him I had picked one out and ordered it with my mother. Also she had another freakout about price and acted like I was holding her hostage by taking her unforced offer to buy me the second-cheapest degree frame on offer.). Then he presented the free gift small frame they got with it as though I should praise him for it, then a congratulation card that was alright I suppose if only because my brother drew a little creature in it that made me smile (my parents did not add anything special or meaningful to it). There was also a cap, which I genuinely enjoy and is nice, and a cheap ballpoint pen for some reason. He said there was more gifts at home, which okay, I don't care about gifts but I'd like him to at least be as excited for my graduation as he was for the picture frame. I didn't get any souvenirs from the bookstore because I knew if I got something he'd also gotten he'd freak out and accuse me of not listening to him or whatever, so I waited. When I got home my gift was Skittles. I don't know why I thought me might have gone to the bookstore and gotten me something special related to my actual interests. He doesn't care to know what those are anyways. I guess I hoped that at least this one day would be different.
Today, the day after graduation, all I've gotten from my parents is:
- Involved in a lecture and manufactured drama about my brother not using my car to drive to his job, even though my dad had the exact opposite position the entire rest of the year, because "what if you need to drive somewhere?", trying to manufacture a fight between my brother and me while also guilting and shaming me for not driving as a hobby like he does.
- A text message from my mother asking me if I'm awake because she wants more ammo to paint me as lazy. Nevermind that I barely slept the night before to make it to grad (of course neither of my parents would care enough about me to come with me as a family. I was literally the only person I saw who went on my own and without their family showing up early too, to support them. I walked past so many families in the parking lot knowing my mother couldn't be bothered to change out of her pajamas for me.) Nevermind I had a huge day that day, and that I was taking care of the cat's energy all that night too because attending my grad is apparently soooo draining my parents can't look after their own pet, and somehow it falls to me. All that matters is she woke up early and I didn't (after I handled all her inconveniences for her, funny how that works).
- Rapid knocks on my door because my dad is making bread as a hobby and apparently "needs" me there to help him with it, and then also "needed" me to stay and make cookies with him.
- A lecture about someone I never knew who apparently once threw something at another kid on my street when I was about 5, and about how he died and how his wife's hobby was really expensive or whatever and if I really don't remember him?
- I went to a showhome for fun and brought back the brochure. My dad jabbed his finger at the pictures on it to explain the house to me like I wasn't the one who literally brought the brochure back. Never asked if I cared or anything, just immediate launch into lecture and expecting me to stay and listen and praise him for being so smart or whatever.
- A lecture about D Day for some fucking reason. My dad is obsessed with history, and he doesn't have any friends to talk to (wonder why) so his lectures always fall on my ears.
- An email from my mother explaining in an extremely condescending way how important it is to have a cover letter when applying for jobs (just completely assuming I don't write them and also am too lazy or stupid to think about having them) including copy-pasted text from a sample cover letter that is no doubt one of the first results on google for "cover letter example"
- An angry email from my mother including a job she found on google
But, contrast that to my neighbors across the street. I was friends them in grade school, haven't seen them in like ten years, and just on my way past to the showhome we said hi and chatted in a genuinely nice conversation that wasn't a one-sided lecture like usual in my house. They could sense my emotions and didn't try to keep me there longer than I wanted to rant, they were genuinely interested in me and gave me space and interest to express myself, their mother even hugged me for graduating and it was the most genuine hug and congratulations I've ever received in person. Every other hug was my family members forcing me to hug them for their own sole benefit. I admit I cried a bit later on my walk thinking about it.
Compared to my parents, the parents of old friends care more about me, trust me more, believe in me more, have more hope for my future, are more interested in me, and understand me better. It's tremendously sad that all throughout my graduation ceremony I was worried about my parents becoming upset for some random reason and blowing up at me. I'm glad I at least focused and made myself feel some pride and joy in myself for graduating.
Even the random people I met who were also taking part in the open house were nicer and better conversationalists than my parents. A random elderly couple I have never seen in my life can have a better interaction with me than my own parents. The realtor was more chill and less perfectionistic than my parents by a mile. His million-dollar house sale was something he was less stressed and perfectionistic about and something he beat himself up over less than my parents are about my hairstyle when I'm going to class because "What if you meet someone in industry and they see you're not professional".
It's absurd.

Hello! I hope you’re having a good weekend.
As the title suggests, I'm on the hunt for a meaningful, long-lasting connection. It's like the older you get, the trickier it becomes to meet new people, let alone find someone you really click with.
Alright, buckle up because here's the lowdown on yours truly: I love road trips (especially when I'm not the one behind the wheel), basically anything outside, lots of movies/tv shows, watching sports, and diving into a good book (although I'll admit, I've been slacking on that front lately). I love anything spooky. I also really enjoy learning about history and space! I do like music too. I have a very wide variety when it comes to music taste but some of my favorites are: Post Malone, Hozier, Motley Crue, Luke Combs, Fleetwood Mac, and tons more! However, I’d love to hear all about your passions, hobbies, and what makes you tick! I don’t think we need to enjoy the same things to get along.
I'm naturally quite “bubbly” and chatty haha. The type who's always got something to say and a smile to go with it. I mention this because I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea! Forming connections is something I truly value, so I invest quite a bit of myself in the relationships I form. I have some extra free time at the moment, so I've got all the time in the world to really dive into getting to know someone like you! Basically, I have a ton of attention to give and nowhere to direct it lol. I’m not easily offended and love dark humor. Sarcasm is the way to my heart. 420 friendly as well. I do have a decent response time and I’m usually available, in case that matters haha.
As for you, please just be 18+ and put some effort into the conversation! It’s tough to really connect otherwise. While it's not a deal-breaker, being in a similar time zone to EST would be a plus—it just makes coordinating a little easier.
Oh! Just a heads up, I'm not really into voice calls right off the bat. I like to get to know someone a bit first before diving into that. Just in case that’s a dealbreaker for you :)
Anyways, I’m sorry for rambling on so long. And thank you so much for reading all of this if you got to this point. I'm really eager to hear back from you soon! I hope you have a good day/night wherever you are :)

(A Sapioromantic Fantasy Tale)
Isaac Newton, a man out of his own century, arrived in 1833 with the precision of his time-travel calculations. His destination: the home of Charles Babbage, the epicenter of computational innovation. It was here that he encountered Ada Lovelace, a prodigious mathematician with a vision far ahead of her time.
Ada was immediately drawn to Newton, whose intellect radiated an aura of profound mastery. As they conversed, Newton shared fragments of his knowledge, discussing his work on calculus and the principles of gravity with an ease that belied their complexity. Ada, brilliant in her own right, found herself both inspired and awestruck by Newton's genius.
Their discussions soon delved into the potential of Babbage’s Analytical Engine. Newton hinted at the possibilities of computational machines, revealing insights that seemed almost otherworldly. Ada, sensing the depth of Newton’s understanding, was captivated. She saw in him not just a peer, but a paragon of intellectual achievement.
As days turned into weeks, Ada's admiration grew into a fervent, unspoken love. She longed to decipher the enigma that was Isaac Newton, to bridge the gap between their minds and perhaps, hearts. There was a palpable tension in their interactions, a charged energy whenever their eyes met or their hands brushed over a shared diagram. Ada wanted desperately to impress him, to earn not just his respect, but his affection.
Yet, Newton remained distant. His focus was unwaveringly on the grander mysteries of the universe, and though he appreciated Ada's brilliance, his heart was impervious to romantic inclinations. Still, the intensity of Ada’s feelings did not escape him. He saw the admiration in her eyes, the way she leaned closer when he spoke, the flush of excitement on her cheeks when they debated ideas.
Newton's subtle hints about the mechanics of time travel ignited a fierce determination in Ada. She immersed herself in the complexities of computation, driven by the desire to understand the forces that allowed Newton to transcend time itself. Her work on algorithms and theoretical computing reached new heights, fueled by the challenge and the hope of one day solving the riddle of Newton’s temporal voyages. Each breakthrough was a silent offering to him, a bid for his elusive approval.
Despite her unrequited love, Ada transformed her feelings into relentless ambition. Newton, observing her progress, acknowledged her exceptional mind, even if his own remained aloof. He knew his presence had sparked a fire within her, a catalyst for advancements that would echo through the annals of history.
When the time came for Newton to return to his own century, he left quietly, a spectral figure vanishing into the fabric of time. Before he departed, he entrusted Ada with a solemn request: to keep his secret. No one would believe the tale of a time traveler, and revealing it could jeopardize the very fabric of history they both revered.
Ada, left with the bittersweet ache of unreciprocated love, honored his request. She poured her soul into her work, driven by the legacy of the man who had briefly entered her life and left an indelible mark. Though she could never speak of their extraordinary encounters, she let her advancements in computing speak for themselves. Her contributions laid the foundation for future generations.
In a way, Ada’s pioneering work in computing became a love letter to Newton's genius, a tribute encoded in algorithms and theoretical frameworks. Just as modern computers process complex codes to create wondrous outputs, so too did Ada translate her profound feelings into the language of innovation. Each algorithm was a testament to the silent, profound influence of a man who had bridged the chasm of time to inspire one of history’s greatest minds.
In the end, it was not a shared love but a shared quest for knowledge that bound their fates, forever intertwined in the relentless pursuit of discovery. Ada carried the secret of Newton's time travel to her grave, her achievements a testament to the silent, profound influence of a man who had bridged the chasm of time to inspire one of history’s greatest minds.

I just had what I think was one of the most useless conversations with my mother and I don't think I got my point across. This has 3 parts so you going to read a lot.
A quick bit of information about me. I am from the Caribbean I have lived with my mother for most of my life. I recently moved in with her around 2 years ago. I lived with my grandmother and moved to the United States with my mother for a better life and opportunities.
My dad has sadly passed on and I live with my stepfather, mother, 3 sisters, and my cousin who lives with us.
I lived with my grandmother for most of my life while my mother went to go start a life with my stepdad after my dad passed away. (this was after my dad's funeral not right after he died.) My grandparents asked to take care of me because I was all that they had left of my dad. So my grandmother and uncle raised me until I moved. in with her.
Now don't think Im upset with her for leaving me. I couldn't care less. I am glad she found my stepdad he's a good man and she has plenty of opp in the U.S. I am glad she moved here.
So my mother and I were dropping my best friend off at her house and while they were talking I zoned out because you know I didn't want to hear what they were talking about between them, not my business, then my name came up when they were talking about my room and she asked me a question. Now I did hear when she asked me and I gave a slight mhm. It wasn't loud enough for her to hear, so I repeated it and told her I said it and she didn't hear me say it so I just said it louder.
After dropping off my best friend she brought it up that she thinks whenever I'm talking to her I always give her half-assed answers and not having a full conversation with her as I do with other people, I was confused by this and I told her no I don't, I give you proper responses in my opinion. (Now real quick to give you a backstory my family and my mom's best friend's family went out to Busch Gardens.) She brought out the fact that I was talking to my mom's best friend who is the mother of her family, a lot more and I was able to have more conversations with her. Which is true, I did and was able to have better conversations with her. I feel like I can have much more comfortable conversations with other people than my mother because my mother takes things too literally and can never get a joke. Like if my and sisters + my cousin who lives with us is joking about something she would always have to chime in and ruin the joke. My mother would always take simple things to the extreme for no reason. I feel like I can't tell a simple joke without her giving me a lecture about it, for example, I say the n-word a lot why? Because I'm black and the previous environment I lived in basically used it daily every day. So of course I would say it. Also at my school children say it even the white kids because no one cares that much. I sure as hell don't care it's just a word, but whenever I say it she doesn't want me to use it at home because I'm in America now. Does she think I'm retarded? Does she think I don't know what to say in public? I honestly want to know what the fuck she trusts me with because I already know what to say around people. Of course, I didn't tell her this, I just told her I used it to analyze people so I know what to say and what I cannot say around people. which it true that something you have to do.
Along with this I also think when I bring up a point to her she doesn't look at it from my pov or she flat out doesn't care, all she cares about is how she feels because one time I remember that I got a letter saying that I could've gotten a scholarship if i got my green card and I don't have it but I didn't mind because I know God has better plans for me but I still showed it to my mom for validation. You know what she told me to put it under my mattress. What mother would tell her child that? It's a scholarship! Of course, I couldn't use it but It would be nice to show a litter interest.
Let's not forget about the time when I told her I got accepted into Saint Leo and what she told me. "Any school would accept you for money!" Excuse me what the fuck? who the hell would say that?
Why wouldn't I tell her how I truly feel because last time I tried that she flipped out and thought I was putting other people over her or something. I don't truly remember because I want that to stay locked away but you guys see where I trying to come from?
Anyway, I don't wanna go on too long with a rant with this one. The point I'm trying to make is that if she wants to have a conversation make me feel more comfortable with telling you things so I don't feel like ima wasting my time telling you something or you are going to push my feelings aside and put yours in front of mine. I will post another 2 soon but I want to know what should I do. I just want her to stop jumping to conclusions and look at it from my pov and I want to feel comfortable around her but I just can't.

I’m at a crossroads right now, my head is telling me no but my heart is telling me yes. The story is a bit complicated so I will do my best to explain our relationship so you can understand the full picture.
I’ll start with the way we initially got together. We come from the same country ethnically, but I lived my whole life abroad. When I was 17 I met her in my home country while I was visiting for the summer. We only spent one day together at a family gathering, she was a friend of a friend. Well since that day we became good friends and we started texting for years. Eventually I felt romantic interest in her but she declined because she wasn’t interested at the time. This was 6-7 years ago. Since then we didn’t talk as much. Then about 3 years ago during the summer, I was visiting again and we crossed paths again. It had been like 4 years since we last talked. We had a great conversation and it was as if we never stopped talking. We had extremely good chemistry and we both felt a spark. After that I knew she had interest in me, we kept texting and she sent me a really long paragraph about how she caught feelings for me and she regrets rejecting me in the past, and how she would really love it if I gave her another chance to get to know each other romantically. I felt the same way about her so I decided to give it a shot. Keep in mind I only saw her in person that one time, I left back to my country after just two days. But we were both willing to do long distance because we were extremely attracted to each other and we saw a future together.
So our entire relationship was basically long distance, all of it was over the phone. But our relationship escalated very quickly, she told me it happened like it was straight out of a movie. Eventually she was telling me things like I’m the one and she wants to marry me and she’s never been this sure of anything in her entire life. I felt the same way. It was one of those things where “when you know you know”. I had already know her previously and her personality. Anyways, we didn’t really have a plan to close the distance, but we were willing to stick it out until I could move to her. It would’ve taken 2-3 years. But of course we had to meet each other first and date in person. After a whole year of dating, we planned a trip together to Italy so we could finally spend time with each other for the first time. We waited a long time for this moment. I thought the trip went great and that it solidified our relationship, she told me she had a great time and that the chemistry was still there in person.
Well a few months after that trip, which was last January, she broke up with me. She basically said she couldn’t do the distance anymore even though she thought she could. And that she wasn’t able to see me only once a year, and keep saying “one day” without an actual plan. Which is completely understandable, I don’t blame her at all. It was probably doomed to fail because of that. But afterwards, I was so heartbroken by the breakup that I reacted very emotionally. I wrote her a long letter explaining my feelings and how I couldn’t understand why she would give up after all the promises. Now I completely understand, but at the time I didn’t because I was blinded by my own feelings. I kept pushing her and bothering her for more answers, and eventually she snapped at me. She said a lot of things that were hurtful and disrespectful. She said that she was forcing herself to be comfortable with me on the trip, that it wasn’t the type of comfort it should be with the one, she said that the distance wouldn’t have mattered if it was the right person (which contradicts her previous excuse about distance), she also said that she just didn’t love me anymore, and she didn’t want to settle for someone she has to learn to love, she wants to find a love that comes naturally to her. She also said that she might’ve just loved the idea of me because it felt different on the trip. And that if we had a base together, maybe it would’ve worked. But we never got to know each other physically, we got into a committed relationship for a year without ever seeing each other in person.
So basically, her initial reason was the distance, but after she snapped at me she said that it was because she didn’t love me and that I’m not the right person for her. Even though she believed with all her heart that I was the right person during the relationship. So maybe it was a combination of both reasons, I don’t know. Maybe the extreme distance led her to lose feelings and realize I’m not the right guy for her. Anyways, we ended it in January and we went no contact since then. Not a single text. I was extremely heartbroken for months and very hurt at the things she said to me. I couldn’t understand how she moved on so quickly and discarded me from her life. As if I never meant anything to her. We were planning our future together.
I just want to add that now 4 months after the breakup I completely understand her. I understand why she felt uncomfortable with me. We met each other for one day and then spent an entire year talking over the phone and got into a committed relationship. We never had the opportunity to get to know each other physically. In a normal relationship you would spend time together in person and THEN decide to commit. So over the course of a year we built up an idealized version of each other in our heads. When we met on the vacation, physically we were strangers. I’ll admit, I felt a bit uncomfortable too, and it felt a bit weird, but after a few days I did feel comfortable with her. I figured it was normal since we have to get used to each other. But I was willing to look past it because I loved her. And she is definitely the type of woman that needs to spend a long time with someone before feeling comfortable being intimate with them. Also, it was her first serious relationship and she’d never even had her first kiss before. She’s a very reserved and shy girl. Maybe I rushed things by trying to kiss her too soon, I should’ve went way slower and just focused on getting comfortable with each other. On top of all that, we were also in a strange environment that we’ve never been to before (Italy), with a person that is a stranger physically. Yes we talked for an entire year but physically we were strangers. We spent a year in a committed (digital) relationship, so by the time we met, there was all this expectation built up of how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to immediately behave as committed couples do. When in reality, what we probably should’ve done was get to know each other first. we should’ve probably just talked for a year without actually committing, and then decide if we want to be together after we actually meet. But since we both rushed into it, there was a lot of expectation. So overall it completely makes sense that we were uncomfortable because we never had a base to build off of.
Now it’s been about 4 months since the break up with no contact. A turn of events happened in my life and I ended up moving to my country this month, much sooner than I expected, for a work opportunity. It’s the same country where my ex lives. I wasn’t planning to move there for another 2-3 years, but it just so happened that I ended up moving back just 4 months after we broke up. As soon as I settled in, my ex reached out to me telling me that she heard I moved back to this country. We talked for a bit and we ended up meeting up so we could catch up with each other. She picked me up and we went for a drive, with no expectations to rekindle anything, just to have fun together. And we actually had an amazing time. A short drive turned into a whole day spent with her. We talked, we laughed, and I felt the same chemistry and spark that I felt when we first met. We hung out the next day, and the next day, then on the 4th day, she ended up telling me that she realized she still has feelings for me and wants to get back together. This time, it would be different because we are actually in the same country, there’s no more long distance.
I told her I needed to think about it, and now I’m here typing this. I don’t know if I should take her back or not, mainly because of the things she said to me during the break up. Yes, distance may have played a role in her losing feelings, and I give her the benefit of the doubt. But I can’t forget the things she said to me when she snapped. She told me HERSELF that she just didn’t love me, and that the distance wouldn’t have mattered with the right person. She made the decision to completely give up on me. She moved on so quickly and was completely fine without me in her life. When she broke up she had it in her mind that she wanted to find someone better. How can I forgive that? I tell myself, all of this happened because we could never be close, we never got to start the relationship the proper way. But I also tell myself, if she was the right person, would she have given up on me? I know that “the one” isn’t some magical feeling you only get with one person, and that circumstances sometimes cause relationships to not work out. But even under all these circumstances, maybe the right person would’ve stayed? Maybe the right person would’ve felt comfortable with me on the trip. I mean, a lot of you guys in this sub were nevermets, and there’s so many cases of people never meeting for years, and they still end up working out. Just because we now have a chance to be together now in close proximity, does that mean I should do it? Do I want someone that would only decide to love me if I am close to them? I don’t know if I am being reasonable by questioning these things. Maybe she is the right person but circumstances actually couldn’t let us be together until now. I can’t tell if I should say no because I should find someone that would stick with me through anything, I don’t even know if that person exists. I don’t know if anyone would be able to handle the relationship we had, so maybe it’s unfair to blame her for giving up on me.
I told her all these things and she gave me a huge apology and said she was wrong. She explained why she felt uncomfortable and why she felt like she lost feelings, and it was basically everything I explained before. But she said now she realized she was wrong and that she is comfortable with me and that she made a huge mistake. She said she confused her feelings and thought that I wasn’t the one when I actually was. I told her that she said she was settling for me. And she said she only said that because I made her mad so she snapped, I kept bothering her so she just wanted to push me away, and that she didn’t actually mean it. Now she wants to take everything back but I don’t know if I can believe her. She said she will do anything to prove to me that she’ll be loyal and that this time she will stay. She also said that she hasn’t dated anyone at all since we broke up, so there was no rebound or cheating involved. It was just because she felt like we wouldn’t work out in the long run.
But now, we’re close together, and we have an opportunity to start over and have a wonderful relationship together, the right way. And we had an amazing time together the last few days, we both have intense feelings for each other. I just don’t know if I should take her back after she gave up on me. Let’s say I did take her back, I would always be worried that she’ll do the same thing again. I would have to trust her again. I understand that the relationship was probably doomed to fail, but I never would’ve given up on her in a million years. Maybe women are wired differently. I honestly still have a lot of love for her, and I still want to be with her. But I don’t want to get hurt again. What do you think? Should I give it a chance or am I better off finding someone new?
TL;DR - I'm (24M) torn about getting back with my ex (22F). We had a long-distance relationship, but she broke up with me due to the distance and said some hurtful things. Now that I've moved back to our home country, we've reconnected, and she wants to try again. While the chemistry is still there, I'm unsure if I can trust her after she gave up on us once. Should I give it another shot or move on?

Hello - such a sad reason to post here..
My BF and I have been dating for a long time and he is the only man I have ever known.
I've always known he was a very avoidant person and he prefers to run away and disappear when faced with any issues he doesn't really want to deal with. In fact, he has dumped me before for that same reason and we were broken for more than a year. He said he regretted it and never stopped loving/missing me. So we got back together because I also never stopped loving him.
With that said... we have had a rocky relationship. Between his avoidant personality, my anxious personality, and our long history of rocky things like few borderline infidelity issues (him, not me), and both of us struggling in life (career-wise) that made us both not the happiest individual.
I take full accountability that for the past 6 months to maybe even a year, I have been so so unhappy with myself that I only realized a week ago that I felt like I have been treating my partner unfairly. I held him to such high expectations and expected him to change and almost solve all my problems, when I really wasn't being introspective enough. I know it sounds like I'm blaming myself because I love him, and I'm sure a part of that is true.
Anyway, his family lives out of country and rarely visits, so this visit was a big deal (for me). I wanted to make a great impression because I love him and therefore his family is very important to me. And I always had a suspicion they weren't too fond of me (yes, that may be 100% my insecurity). But then while he was away from me but with his parents, we had a big fight. It started with the joke of I think you're the lucky one in the relationship, no you are, etc. leading to him basically not admitting but also not denying that he thinks he is the "better" one in the relationship.
So I got upset. I became reactive. He told me he had to get off the phone and sleep but I insisted that he answer me when I ask "do you really think you're better and that I should be so lucky to be with you?" After I relentlessly repeated that question to him, he raised his voice to say that my insecurities are my problems and none of his business. Ouch. It hurt and I was stunned. So while I was speechless, he said "while you think, I'm gonna go" and hung up on me.
I was so upset, angry, and honestly feeling petty. So much resentment towards him. So I didn't reach out to him. Neither did he.
But during my time away, I did a lot of thinking and worked on myself. Read a book that changed my perspective. I felt like the bad seed in the relationship. It clicked in my head that I'm the one that mainly strained our relationship. I asked for too much without giving myself - like owning up to my own issues and wanting to change myself before demanding change from others. Now I know you can never change anyone else but yourself.
So when he returned from his trip along with his family, I asked him to have a conversation with me in person. I apologized, tearfully read him my letter on my recent enlightenment, and asked if he was considering breaking up with me, which I feared.
He said yes to wanting to dump me. Turns out, during the week that he was with his family, he decided to dump all the issues to his entire family. He denies that he "badmouthed" me, but I think he did something worse.. He told his family that I don't make him happy and that we are simply incompatible. Told them stories about how I pushed his buttons, portraying me in a very negative (and insane) light without giving full context of each situation. Mind you, I pretty much have never met his family. So they know nothing about me, my personality, and anything, for that matter, except from his perspective or whatever he decided/decides to share. Or even this relationship. He told me all the plans have been cancelled (for me) and that his family does not wish to see me. I begged for another chance and that I messed up. After a few hours, he came around and told me that he loved me and to tell him that he's not making the "biggest mistake of his life" by giving me another chance. I of course said that this is the right decision. He even got very intimate with me. I felt like my life was going to come around and that I can do everything better (but obviously not overnight).
The very next morning, he texted me his family doesn't want to see me. They stated that we "can" still date, but they have their own feelings (I think that was a nice way to say that they hate me). I got upset. My fear of rejection and abandonment kicked in. Went into my pattern again to become reactive/impulsive and told him that it isn't fair for them to say that his entire unhappiness is due to me and me only. He has had a tough time with his own careelife that has been making him sad and depressed. That's when he said that that's not true and that I really was the only thing that has been on his mind, making him miserable. Then he said this is exactly what he didn't want to deal with and that we're done.
When I asked to talk on the phone, he called me and said that he no longer believes that I can change and that his family now never wants to do anything with me ever. I was shocked that he was so quick in relaying my reaction to his family. He has never been this tight-knit with his family, so this was all new to me. He said some things that felt like wasn't his words. I felt like his family was manipulating him. I may be wrong and in denial, but I'd like to think that after about a decade, I'm used to the way he talks/thinks from time to time. Also, he said that he "loved" me. Past tense.
So he hangs up on me while I cried his name over and over, after saying that he will only meet me after his business trip (because I asked to please meet in person to talk further while apologizing profusely) and in a public place only, which is about a week. The public place part was what confused me. What was I going to do - endanger him? I have never.. I felt like he was asking for that because maybe he is scared that I may be able to convince him in a private space? This is the part that felt like wasn't his word choice.
I left him a lengthy text apologizing to him and his entire family and that I will not try to justify my behavior as it was wrong of me to act so rashly, especially after promising to change. But that I would like for him to please give this relationship a fair chance as I really do believe we can be very happy together, in a healthy relationship.
That day, I was extremely busy with a packed schedule. After I sent that message, I was running around everywhere. He knew my schedule exactly. He knew exactly when I'd be out of the house and when I'd be back.
Right before my last thing, I get a very cold text response from him saying that he believes I'll reach my career goal, that I have people around me who love me, and that he did read the entire text I sent. And that he'd be "happy to chat" when he's back.
Honestly even before that, I had a suspicion but I simply wasn't able to get home due to my obligations.
I literally ran and sped to get home when I could. I think a part of me died when I did. Everything was gone. All of him. He obviously left some stuff behind as he probably moved within a span of a couple hours, but he did a very thorough job. I was impressed and depressed at the same time. I couldn't stop crying. I had been crying for the entire day and more. Everything. was. gone.
It took so much for me to not reach out and/or react. I was beyond heartbroken. The worst part? I still wanted him so badly. It has been 2 days since this happened and I'm still broken. I haven't eaten for the past 3 days and I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I keep reading his last text. I told him I'd give him space and I want to honor that, which means I can't do anything right now.
I keep wondering where his stuff is now and where he'll be staying, hoping that he's not burdened and hurting like I am. I'm beyond devastated. My support system is, as expected, completely and utterly shocked and disgusted by this situation (and him). And I actually don't even have any support system near me. They're all far away. I know how it looks. But I would be lying if I said I didn't want him back still. He was and is a wonderful man, despite this ugly goodbye.
I don't know when he'll reach out to have our conversation, but I'm still lost on how to take that.
At first, I was willing to beg him on my knees with tears dripping nonstop. Then I decided to start writing a long letter. Then I decided to make a list of business we have to take care of to go our separate ways. Then I always looped back to the fact that I just want to love him and be with him. I know I sound so incredibly pathetic, but I wish I can get a do-over to show him that I can be so good and that we can be so extremely happy together. I keep wishing I can turn back time and how cruel it is for time to pass this slowly. I blame myself a lot, while acknowledging that the end of this relationship is due to more than just my issues.
I guess I wanted to just get this off my chest.. sorry for the long post. I'll probably delete it after a few days...
I hope things get better and I get a clearer picture of what to do about our conversation. I love him so much and I wish that he still does too...
Also- I read some similar posts so to get ahead of some comments, I did reach out to my therapist and yes I do have a lot to work through. Not only digesting this situation, but also my self-work.
Thank you to everyone who made it this far..

Hello!
I've typed myself as an IEI for a while now, but I've been doing some soul searching and I'm not sure how well that fits me right now, and I'm curious whether it's to do with my understanding of socionics or just transient personal stuff.
I've seen some of the comments and answers on previous posts of this questionnaire, and they've been quite insightful and thorough, which I greatly appreciate, since it helps me learn better.
Any help that you could give would be greatly appreciated, and thank you!
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-How do you work? Why do people go to work? Are there any parameters that determine whether you can do work or not? What are they?
My knee-jerk answer is to say “by starting, then finishing”. I do my best to be quick, efficient, to do it well, and to do extra sometimes. I get kind of competitive about it sometimes, where if I see someone else working hard it makes me want to do more. Granted they’re usually getting paid more to do more, but the urge is still there.
Depends on the person, but mostly to survive. You make money, you spend it on survival. Ideally, you’ll get to use it for more fulfilling things and to improve your life. For some people the reason could be to follow their passion, for socialization, for a cause, etc., but I do think that it’s mostly for survival.
I’m not sure I really understand this part of the question. Parameters like the working environment, the type of work, understanding/skill? I’m not sure how to answer this.

-How do you determine the quality of work? How do you determine the quality of a purchase? Do you pay any attention to it?
That’s kind of hard to quantify. I think boiled down: if it’s free of errors, if it’s organized, if it’s neat/done carefully, if it makes sense logically, and does the product/outcome show the skill that went into it.
For a purchase, I think basically are you getting a good quality for what you paid. Does it work the way it’s supposed to, and maybe even better? If it’s something for fun, does it bring joy, not just now, but for a while in the future? And in that vein, it should last for a long time and be able to be maintained.
I pay attention to both. Quality of work (from others as well, but from me especially) matters a LOT to me, and I do think that quality of purchases does hold at least some importance to me because my money used to purchase it came from my time, and I don’t want that to go to waste.

-There is a professional next to you. How do you know they are a professional? How do you evaluate their skill?
That’s actually a pretty interesting question. I would imagine the ease of which they are doing something, their ability to be creative in problem-solving/drawing conclusions, their confidence in what they are doing, and their ability and willingness to teach or at least share. I would evaluate their skill using the same criteria (but also, if I’m not a professional in that, my evaluation wouldn’t mean much).

-If you struggle to do something, how do you fix that? Do you know if your performance is better or worse than others?
Part of the time, I’ll power through the frustration until something finally clicks, or the outcome is at least “good enough” or done, even if the quality isn’t ideal. If I’m being honest, part of the time when I hit a wall in struggling with something, I will stop doing it. Sometimes because you need to figure out a different approach, sometimes it’s essentially “giving up”. I have a hard time asking for help, so it’s a last resort sort of thing.
I do keep a close eye on my performance, and compare it to others. I do wish I did it in a way where I’m using it as a kind of inspirational competitive things vs. just comparing myself to others (comparison is the thief of joy and all that). Sometimes I can, but most of the time it’s comparing and wanting to make sure I’m doing better.

-How do you measure the success of a job? What standard do you use? Do you pay attention to it? When should you deviate from this standard?
By if it worked, the result was good, and ideally also that getting to the result went smoothly. I feel like if the process to getting the result is chaotic, it usually means something needs to be done better and improve.
I use my own standards most of the time, being a perfectionist. I’ll have awareness of what the external standard is, like one set by a boss, but will have my own standards internally.
I do pay attention to both of these standards.
Sometimes you have to prioritize things, and honestly sometimes you have to “cut corners” and decide which things need to be done perfectly and which things can be done “enough” without effecting the result. Sometimes things just go sideways, and you have to say “good enough is good enough”. It depends on the situation, really. Try your best to meet the standards, but things are going to happen outside of your control sometimes and you have to adapt to the circumstances.
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-What is a whole? Can you identify its parts? Are the parts equivalent to the whole?
Ngl, this is an annoying question. A whole is one unit, made up of smaller parts.
If there’s a whole, it would logically follow that it’s made up of parts, so I’d assume I’d be able to identify them?
I would say no, the parts aren’t equivalent to the whole. Take a car, for example: each parts together make up one car, but each parts are wholes in their own right and are their own working units.

-What does "logical" mean? What is your understanding? Do you think that it correlates with the common view? How do you know you are being logical?
Going from point A to point B in a way that can be replicated, I guess. This is another one I have a hard time actually getting into the details and defining. I don’t really think about this in great detail, I just do it?

-What is hierarchy? Give examples of hierarchies. Do you need to follow it? Why or why not? Explain how hierarchy is used in a system you are familiar with.
It’s an organization of people (at least in the context of this question) that operates with a person in charge, then a layer of people underneath them, and so on and so forth until you reach the lowest level (like a pyramid). Most of the ways humans are organized (government, military, schools, jobs, religions, the list goes on and on) are hierarchies, whether formally or not.
Whether or not you need to follow it is situational. To use the military example, if you’re given an order that violates laws, you don’t need to follow it (the consequences are a whole other topic). In general, I don’t mind hierarchies, so don’t mind following them, but there are limits. If someone is telling you to do something stupid or dangerous, it’s ridiculous to follow it just because you’re “following orders”. That’s how awful things happen, and you’re still a human being with a working brain and autonomy.
I feel like I’ve explained how the hierarchies work by explaining what they are, so I won’t go into it again.

-What is classification? How does classification work? Why is it needed and where is it applied? Give examples.
It’s essentially just a way of categorizing things, like phenomena, animals, plants, psychiatric disorders, etc. You’re grouping things with similarities together, whatever those similarities are. These furry things have four legs and give live birth? Mammals! These green things that get bigger in the sun? Plants!
It’s incredibly useful for understanding the world around us, and being able to connect concepts, ideas, and just tangible things together quickly. You don’t need to re-figure out what a strawberry plant is in relation to an apple tree every time, we can just say they’re fruit-bearing. It’s really just the natural way the human brain works: we scan around us, and oh! Something moved! It wouldn’t make sense for the survival of a species for us to have to figure out what a snake is and if it’s poisonous or not every time we see one, we just classify this scaly long boi as a “snake”, and put it into the “poisonous” sub-category if it’s also red.

• Are your ideas consistent? How do you know they are consistent? How do you spot inconsistency in others' ideas?

I would say they’re logically consistent (ideally lol, I try to be aware if they’re not really logically consistent to be honest about it, and to then not take those too seriously and be open to change if they’re not), but not consistent in the sense that I’ll have the same ideas about everything for eternity. I change my mind and ideas as needed, I’m not going to just stick my head in the sand and not change my mind if more information pops up.
If I’m actually paying attention to what the other person is saying, I can usually tell inconsistencies in their ideas, though I’m thinking of logical issues in their reasoning, and I’m not sure if this question means it in another way.

This section was the strangest to answer. It was like answering the question “why does 1+1=2?”. Because that’s how it works, move on to something more interesting!
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-Can you press people? What methods do you use? How does it happen?
I don’t like pressing other people honestly, I’d prefer to collaborate with them, even if I’m the one “calling the shots”. I’m not a fan of pressing people, but can if I really have to. I don’t know that it’s a method, but just flat-out telling someone what you need them to do and not leave any room for discussion is how I’ve done it.

-How do you get what you want? What do you do if you have to work to get what you want?
Hm, I guess for the most part to do it myself, and if I need to, do it with other people? You kind of just have to pick a point where you want to go, and start going there. You might have to change your goals up (like if you realize your career goals hurt you instead of help you) along the way, but you just have to go for it and put in the work to get there.
You really always have to work to get what you want (well, I guess not everyone), so you just do it and keep going. I dunno, it’s not magic really, it’s mostly boring and hard until you get there, then you get new goals and do it all again!

-How do you deal with opposition? What methods do you use to defend your interests?
I think “screw them” lol Ideally I won’t have made it so that I’ll be opposed, I try to stay friendly with people so that won’t happen.
So, in a hypothetical situation, say I’m telling someone the best way to do something at work (let’s say organizing something). If I know that’s the best way and they disagree, I’ll hear them out as to why they think that, then go over it and say why that will/won’t work. If they’re still not going to agree, I’ll push more and have them try it and see. If they’re still resistant, then I’m going to tell them to go for it, watch them, then go over at the end why a stupid thing is happening because they did it their way. The problem is the last way is basically guaranteed to cause future issues with that person, which is why I’d prefer not to use it, because it has to be done really specifically so that they won’t just become defensive and double down.

-When do you think it's ok to occupy someone's space? Do you recognize it?
Like, if they don’t want me to? Or to go in for a hug or something? If you guys are on good terms and they’re fine with it, occupy away. If it’s someone you’re not close with, I wouldn’t unless they initiate it first. I’m not being on being physically close with people I’m not close to anyway, so it’s rare I’m going to do that. If I do though, it’s because I needed to get something done quickly and they were physically where I needed to be.
I recognize when people are in my space, and unless I like the person, I’m really not a fan. Personal bubble and all that.

-Do others think you are a strong-willed person? Do you think you have a strong will?
If I’m being honest, no, not particularly. I can be extremely stubborn about certain things, and give up very easily on others. Sometimes it’s to do with being fickle, but also willpower. It comes in bursts, it’s not consistent by any means.
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-How do you satisfy your physical senses? What examples can you give? What physical experiences are you drawn to?
If I’m thirsty or hungry, I drink and eat (or when I’m bored, sad, etc. etc.). If I’m tired, I’ll eventually sleep. I can’t say there’s a lot of physical experiences I’m drawn to, it’s more about interest and intrigue than physical sensations.

-How do you find harmony with your environment? How do you build a harmonious environment? What happens if this harmony is disturbed?
I’m not sure. If we’re talking like, having a nice bedroom, cut down on noises and lights and stuff for nighttime and have weather-appropriate sheets and a good pillow. Maybe some mood lighting and nice stuff to look at (I have a lot of my own art up in my room, which makes it feel more “mine” and I guess that means more harmonious?).
I can’t say I understand the feeling of being in harmony with my environment, so I also can’t say what I’d do if it’s disturbed. I’m more in tune with my internal environment and the harmony there than the external.

-What does comfort mean to you? How do you create it?
Means you’re not in pain, you feel nice. Get some good shoes and chairs and pillows and stuff.

-How do you express yourself in your hobbies? How do you engage yourself with those things?
My hobbies are a huge part of who I am, they’re what keep me sane and more fulfilled. I don’t know how people can feel like a full person without them, it’s got to be tough. I do a lot of art-based hobbies, especially crafts and tangible things, though also music and drawing. Usually it’s a one and done, then move on to another. I engage myself by just doing them?

-Tell us how you'd design any room, house or an office. Do you do it yourself, or trust someone else to do it? Why?
First thought was to just answer this question “No.” lol Design it so the furniture is laid out in a way that optimizes space and so you won’t slam into things, preferably keeping furniture on the outer edges of the room. Make it work so that you have things where they’re the most convenient, like an outlet by your bed for your phone, drawers next to your desk, etc.
I’d be fine at it, but not good. I’d trust someone else to do it for sure.
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-Is it acceptable to express emotions in public? Give examples of inappropriate expression of emotions.
Certain emotions, I guess. I don’t want to be sad or angry in public at all, and I get really nervous around people who do in public. Happy is fine, as long as it’s not over the top yelling and jumping up and down, just chill. I’m personally uncomfortable expressing more than surface level emotions in public, I’d rather show genuine emotions in private.
Inappropriate expressions would be getting upset over something and then taking it out on other people. It’s not their fault you’re upset, don’t transmit your issues onto others. It’s infectious, it sucks.

-How do you express your emotions? Can you tell how your expressions affect others in a positive or negative way?
This has always been kind of a struggle, I have a hard time getting that “sweet spot” of expressing my emotions in a way that isn’t too much or too little. I don’t want to have a tantrum, but I want to express that I’m angry. At this point I’ve started just saying how it is I feel verbally, trying not to act out the emotion with it. Not everyone is equipped to deal with that, but I don’t want to just bottle it up and not express it, so I figure it’s a happy medium where I’m saying what I need to say, and I’m letting someone else decide if they want to engage or not without just holding them hostage.
I try to be upbeat and cheery at work at least, but honestly I’m normally pretty sarcastic and prefer a style of communication that can come across as combative to people (like ribbing each other type of thing, like stronger teasing that sounds malicious with the understanding that it’s not), so I feel like I can come across as negative a lot, which I can tell affects people. So, I try to be more upbeat or at least neutral. This isn’t to say I’m always making people miserable, I do cheer people up sometimes and enough people seem to like being around me that whatever I’m doing seems to work enough, but it’s not entirely natural.

-Are you able to change your demeanor in order to interact with your environment in a more or less suitable way? How do you determine what is suitable?
I would say generally, yes. I’ve worked in customer service a long time, and that’s a skill you learn and get better at the more you use it. I’ll act differently around different people, like I won’t act the same way to new people I don’t know as I will to people I’ve known for half a decade.
I’d say I determine what’s suitable based on their reactions. If they’re looking shocked or uncomfortable or darting their eyes to look for an exit, you’ve screwed up and need to adjust. If the conversation keeps flowing, you’re probably good.

-In what situations do you feel others' feelings? Can you give examples of when you wanted to improve the mood of others?
This is something I’ve worked on over the years since it’s pretty hard for me to not get “infected” by someone else’s feelings. If I’m close to the person it’s a lot stronger and I can better “feel” their feelings than just understand what they’re going through intellectually.
If someone is getting antsy and pissy about something, I try to make light of something to cheer them up so they knock it off.

-How do others' emotions affect you? How does your internal emotional state correlate or contrast with what you express?
Honestly they make me nervous most of the time, which is something I’m not always conscious of. I’m prone to depression, and I learned how to hide it and put on a mask like everything is fine. A lot of the time what I’m feeling and expressing aren’t the same. Like, I get irritable and angry pretty easily, but I’m going to try to not express it because I don’t want to put that on another person.
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-How can you tell how much emotional space there is between yourself and others? How can you affect this space?
I feel like it’s usually quite a far space between me and the other person, unless they make it obvious we’re close (and I reciprocate) by like, spending time with me and talking to me and remembering things about me. I try to affect this space by doing things like spending more time, sharing more about myself, but I think if I’m being honest I usually leave it up to the other person to regulate.

-How do you determine how much you like or dislike someone else? How does this affect your relationships?
It can be super variable depending on if they’ve done something I feel “wronged” by or not, because then it flips like a switch (not something that I’m okay with, and something I’m consciously working on). I’m not sure how to quantify how much I like or dislike someone, it comes down to a physical feeling. Do I feel excited and warm fuzzies? Like! Revulsion if they’re within 20 feet? Dislike!
This essentially means that relationships are something I mostly leave up to the other person. I’ve been able to be the first to approach people before, and I can do it mostly okay, but I do prefer they come to me because I can’t tell if I’m annoying them or if they’re just being polite otherwise.

-How do you move from a distant relationship to a close one? What are the distinguishing characteristics of a close relationship?
It happens over time, as you get to know each other better. You just click with some people and you don’t with others, that’s just how it goes. Most people I don’t want to be that close to, but I put effort into people I do want to be close to. I make the effort to reach out to spend time with them, talk to them, and actually share things about myself to them instead of just being a listener.
I think the biggest characteristics of a close relationship is how little you have to explain yourself to the other person, they just get it and accept you, and you don’t have to waste time explaining why you do every single little thing, and get to talk about and focus on other things.

-How do you know that you are a moral person? Where do you draw your morality from? Do you believe others should share your beliefs on what's moral? Why?
I wouldn’t say I’m particularly moral. I’m not immoral, but I do think morals are subjective and situational, so I think by definition if I think morals are malleable, I’m not a “moral” person by popular definition.
I would say my morality comes internally, but obviously some of it is shaped by external things like culture. Like don’t steal, kill, etc.
My morals will be different from other people’s. I do think a lot of the morals I have are so general and common that it’d be messed up if people didn’t share them, but some of them are just based on me personally so I wouldn’t expect other people to uphold them, even though I want that.

-Someone you care about is acting distant to you. How do you know when this attitude is a reflection of your relationship?
I assume it is immediately, and that I did something to cause it to be distant.
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-How can you tell someone has the potential to be a successful person? What qualities make a successful person and why?
This one’s a little hard because it’s such an intuitive thing that takes so many factors into account and just turns it into a “feeling” (like gut feeling). I guess broken down it comes down to their characteristics like follow through, work ethic, how they work with other people, their self confidence, their intelligence, their problem solving, their general attitude, etc. If you have all that, you have a very good foundation to bob and weave with life when it throws its punches, and you can adapt and overcome.

-Where would you start when looking for a new hobby? How do you find new opportunities and how do you choose which would be best?
I constantly have new hobbies, and I can hardly remember where I looked to find them. The internet is a beautiful thing, it exposes you to so much without you even realizing it. If it doesn’t just come to you naturally, you can literally just go online and ask people what hobbies they have and to describe them, and you can choose from those and try them.
I’m not sure I go looking for new opportunities, but I guess keep an ear out for the possibilities when they come up. It’s also hard to say how I figure out which one is the best, I think it’s whichever one gets me the most bang for my buck, whether it’s in a job and that’s financial or if it’s in a hobby and that’s with fulfillment.

-How do you interpret the following statement: "Ideas don't need to be feasible in order to be worthwhile." Do you agree or disagree, and why?
Seems reasonable. Whatever idea someone has, even if it doesn’t work itself, can spark something else that WOULD be feasible. All ideas are worthwhile for their potential, even if all they do is help another idea along the path to feasibility.

-Describe your thought process when relating the following ideas: swimming, chicken, sciences. Do you think that others would draw the same or different connections?
I just think of a chicken swimming and a dude in a labcoat with a clipboard. I don’t think other people would draw the same connections, brains are weird and different.

-How would you summarize the qualities that are essential to who you are? What kind of potential in you has yet to be actualized and why?
I would say curiosity and willingness to learn are the most essential qualities of mine. On a real level, I feel a lot of the time like a lot of my potential has yet to be actualized for fun mental reasons. I think that’s true for a lot of human beings though, most people have a lot of potential, it’s just not tapped into or channeled properly.
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-How do people change? Can you describe how various events change people? Can others see those changes?
I think every little thing in life changes you as you live, like that butterfly flapping its wings causing a typhoon halfway across the world. You are in a constant state of flux, you’re always evolving. That being said, there are events that will change a person drastically and quickly. Going through something traumatic will make a dramatic, sudden change, like in evolution how there are random gene mutations instead of just slow and steady natural selection.
I guess it depends on how closely they’re paying attention, and if they’re the kind of people who believe people change. You can usually tell when a person has been through let’s say something traumatic, they just have an air about them. Now add in if you knew them before whatever happened, happened, then for sure you’d be able to see those changes.

-How do you feel and experience time? Can time be wasted? How?
Time is one constant stream that we are all always in and always riding. I feel it quite well, and I have a good sense of time. My belief is that your time is the only thing that’s truly yours, and to really value it as much as you can.
I do think you can waste time, yes. It doesn’t make it not worthwhile, but there are ways to use your time well and there are ways to run out the clock. You don’t have to fill every second of every day with something “productive” (dear please god don’t, that’s exhausting), but you do want to try and make it meaningful in some sort of way at least.

-Is there anything that cannot be described with words? What is it? If so, how can we understand what it is if language does not work?
Of course! That’s essentially intuition. It’s such a hard thing to grasp, but everyone experiences it. How do you just know and feel something is off about a situation? It’s probably about a million different things happening that your brain is taking in subconsciously and making decisions for in nanoseconds, and all you’re feeling from all that processing is “spidey senses tingling”.
Things like spirituality also can’t really be explained with words. I’ve tried to talk to people to understand their feelings behind it (I’m an atheist because I’ve never felt that or understood it, so it fascinates me and I like learning about it), but it’s such an amorphous and personal thing, it can’t really be reduced to words. It’s just a feeling, not like an emotion, but more like that gut feeling.
For those two concepts at least, they can be at least somewhat understood because it’s an almost universal experience. That being said, both are such subjective experiences that there are so many shades and nuances that can’t be explained, we can all just try our best to understand. There have been wars fought over these misunderstandings, though, so it’s not like it’s a perfect system.

-How do you anticipate events unfolding? How can you observe such unfoldments in your environment?
Hm, by understanding what’s happened in the past either with those same set of circumstances, or at least generally similar ones. Take into account the context, variables, people involved, what’s different, etc., and make your best educated guess. It’s something that occupies my mind, tying back into the question about how I feel time. I feel it all the time since I’m always in it, so I’m always trying to think about how one thing evolves into the next. Might as well think about it, since it’s going to happen anyway.
I observe them as they happen.

-In what situations is timing important? How do you know the time is right to act? How do you feel about waiting for the right moment?
Literally every single situation timing is important, I don’t know how else to say it. It’s kind of everything, honestly. It’s hard to explain how to know what the right time to act is, it ties back into the gut feeling and “spidey sense”. It just makes sense. I’d always rather wait for the right moment and have something go correctly than rush things and ruin them because I was too impatient.
This last one was the most interesting to answer, for sure!
****************************** Thank you for the read, and I'm looking forward to hearing feedback!

It’s been 4 months since we last spoke, and the thought of you won’t leave me alone. Even when I’m having a good time you’re in the back of my mind. I have written and rewritten so many letters but I can’t get myself to send them to you. I do not know what is wrong with me that I cannot get you out of my head. I can’t make sense of it all. At this point I have realized it was all one sided. Even after realizing that you played with my emotions even if it wasn’t intentional the whole time. I still want to talk to you, have one last conversation some type of closure. I really miss you and care for you. My anxiety grows stronger and stronger knowing we are about to be in the same places multiple times. Do you want me to talk to you? Are you gonna treat me like a stranger and be cold? Are you gonna confront me? The unknown is scary. I have so much going on and I wish I had you by my side. I miss you. I love you

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Synopsis:
Juliette Contzen is a lazy, good-for-nothing princess. Overshadowed by her siblings, she's left with little to do but nap, read … and occasionally cut the falling raindrops with her sword. Spotted one day by an astonished adventurer, he insists on grading Juliette's swordsmanship, then promptly has a mental breakdown at the result.
Soon after, Juliette is given the news that her kingdom is on the brink of bankruptcy. At threat of being married off, the lazy princess vows to do whatever it takes to maintain her current lifestyle, and taking matters into her own hands, escapes in the middle of the night in order to restore her kingdom's finances.
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Action, Fantasy, Copious Ohohohohos.
Chapter 247: Subjective Mercy
Dawn was a novelty to Renise.
Not because she was a late riser. On the contrary, she readily woke up before even the alley cats of Reitzlake. And they were nothing if not prompt in securing their territory.
It’s just that any dawn was hard to admire while she was crawling beneath the streets.
That’s not to say she didn’t get to see anything just as glamorous, though. In the sewers beneath the cracked cobblestone of Pennyvale Road and Sipton Corner, she often saw enough stolen gold tucked away to form a sight brighter than any morning.
And once, she even found a die with 20 sides. She thought that was very interesting.
Thus, even as the sun peeked across the horizon, Renise barely paid any attention. Especially as doing so would remind her of exactly how many hours it’d been since she last slept.
But she had no right to complain.
After all–
“Hoooph!”
The guards requisitioned to her service couldn’t.
Even now, their eyes were as wide as when she’d brought them here. And not all of it from shame that a large smuggling operation had taken place upon their doorstep.
They wiped sweat from their brows as they hauled the proceeds of crime from the depths of tunnels, the corners of barns and the hidden hatches found between them. All the while, Renise was there to assist, searching each nook and cranny to ensure that every mug rimmed with cobwebs and filled with pilfered gemstones was recovered.
The result was a sight grander than the pale light stretching across the horizon. A veritable mountain of recovered goods, stacked in semi-organised fashion in the centre of the farmstead.
No fields of wheat grew as of yet. But that didn’t mean there was no golden gleam.
The chests of crowns in Baroness Arisa’s chamber was the mainstay of the haul. A cursory examination placed the amount grand enough to purchase half a castle outright. But Renise knew it wasn’t a castle the baroness had wanted. It was a kingdom–and more.
That’s what the rest of the goods were for.
Sacks and crates unending. Enough grain and foodstuffs to last many winters and more. Had she wished to, the baroness could have sheltered in her hole and sat through whatever calamity she’d wished to trigger. Or she could have used it in lieu of gold when stomachs were empty and hearts were hard, to feed crowds of rioting commoners or the loyalty of wavering soldiers.
A scheme as audacious as it was unlikely. And thus very much devised by nobility.
Renise understood that well.
Just as she understood that nobility rarely allowed themselves to dream of an empire without guarantees in place. And she intended on querying what they were, and who had offered them.
Turning from the mound of gathered items, she made her way over to the girl huddling beside the steps of her stolen and dilapidated manor.
With her knees up, arms wrapped around them and face buried in said arms for good measure, Baroness Arisa Sandholt was less a noblewoman fallen at the final hurdle of a grand scheme and more a girl who had not been told ‘no’ enough times to understand the consequences of her actions.
And there would be many. More than her hands could hope to manage.
After all–
Renise had read Juliette’s judgement.
The former noblewoman approached the girl under guard. She nodded at the tired watchers. And when they left to join their colleagues in taxing their shoulders, she knelt down to look at the kingdom’s most recent shadow of Lady Lucina Tolent.
And what a poor one it was.
Still, Renise grimaced on the baroness’s behalf.
Despite recent events, she held little personal acrimony towards her. Neither smuggling nor treason were new concepts, after all. The scale was grander than what remained of the plots in the royal capital. But this simply meant more bureaucracy. Renise would live. And so would the baroness, should she not recklessly throw away what the princess’s mercy was willing to offer.
Mercy, of course, being subjective.
Still kneeling beside her, Renise attempted to peer past the buried face, almost akin to a teacher with a sulking child.
Then, she sighed.
“Baroness Arisa Sandholt. It is demeaning for you to remain like this. If nothing else, I invite you to sit upon the steps. There’s no need to dirty yourself upon the soil. Particularly as it’ll be some time before we’re finished here.”
Renise waited for an acknowledgement. Or more preferably a finger pointing out the hidden corners she’d doubtless missed.
She received nothing. And so she resigned herself to however many nights it’d require to fully empty out the tunnels.
This, also, was nothing new to her.
“... Uuuuh …”
All of a sudden, a weak, pitiable groan came from the baroness, still unseen behind her knees.
Renise wasn’t certain what to do other than hope for a follow-up. When it didn’t arrive, she instead brushed down her maid’s uniform of any dirt, before promptly undoing it by taking a seat beside the baroness, knees up and thoroughly uncomfortable.
“I notice the grounds are quite extensive,” she said lightly. “An impressive thing you’ve built, for one whose family lineage is pouring ales. May I ask how the career change to smuggling came about?”
No sound met her, other than the huffing of the beleaguered guards as they toiled like farmers beneath the sun.
Renise leaned in to pluck a leaf from the baroness’s hair.
She responded by slowly falling onto her side, still with her face buried around her legs. A perfect imitation of a shrivelled up caterpillar. Renise had a feeling the princess would have commented. She herself kindly chose not to.
For now.
“... Uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh …”
Again, a weak groan of despair filled the crisp air alight with the early dawn.
Again, Renise wasn’t sure what the correct response was.
She’d known many members of the nobility to have fallen while clutching themselves in agony, most often after being rejected to a dance. And yet as emotionally damaging as those instances were, they paled in comparison to the distress of having her private gallery revealed to the same princess her portraits consisted of.
But it could have been worse.
She wasn’t sure how. But it could have been.
“Baroness Arisa,” said Renise, attempting to speak with a slightly more scolding tone. “This is far too belittling. Until you have been formally stripped of your title, you are still a member of this kingdom’s nobility–whether or not you wish it. You do yourself little favours by remaining as you are.”
At last, the baroness lifted her face away from her knees. She didn’t raise herself from the ground.
Puffy eyes unused to the unyielding dawn met her. And also cheeks still blotchy with humiliation. And then lips quivering with the strength required to form words.
“... My life is over,” she said, her voice strangled with grief.
“You do not know that, Baroness Arisa.”
The girl shook her head, golden hair flailing upon the dirt.
“My life is over,” she merely repeated, her eyes becoming distant and hollow. “The princess … she saw … all my portraits … it’s all over …”
Renise watched as what dignity remained slowly drained before her.
She decided to put a stop to it before she became a withered slug.
After all, the princess in question still had uses for her.
“Your life isn’t yours to judge,” she said, standing up before the baroness. “But it is the 3rd Princess’s. Would you care to know it?”
Renise unfurled a letter from the pockets only her uniform defied impracticality enough to possess.
The baroness uncurled herself slightly, the better to see the back of the letter. Even so, she made no effort to reach for it.
With a sigh, Renise looked over the neatly written edict and began to read.
To Baroness (Insert Name) Arisa Sandholt,
I would like to extend my gratitude for the paintings donated as badly needed furnishing for Soap Island and its inhabitants. This act of charity has not gone unnoticed.
In order to further develop your talents with a brush, I hereby command that you take up position as artist-in-residence upon Soap Island, where you shall have the freedom of its golden beaches, open air, and time enough to paint to your heart’s desire. As long as the paintings are of me.
Upon creation of a work I judge to be satisfactory, I shall deem your rehabilitation complete.
Please note this is an unpaid residency.
Princess Juliette Contzen.
Renise had filled in the bit with the missing name.
For a moment, she did nothing but wait for the baroness’s response. It was slow to come. But when it did, it was with both hands raised to her mouth, unable to hide the despair which came from it.
Indeed, it was a sentence which offered little hope of release.
The stipulation of release was both poetic and severe. For the only way the baroness could ever hope to create a sufficient painting was to first remove her pride and her malice. To be commanded to do what she previously did in twisted animosity would surely result in nothing but empty canvases from this moment on, such was the egoism of nobility.
But there was more to this than meets the eye.
Indeed … Renise had no doubt about the princess’s intentions.
The stipulation for a work to be judged as satisfactory was merely a ruse. The day the baroness realised the error of her ways and painted a single portrait, Renise had no doubt it would be accepted as proof of her atonement.
Such subtlety, doubtless woven from all her days at the royal court … Renise could only acknowledge it with envy–as could the baroness, who only now slowly sat up upon the dirt.
Except there was one problem.
“The princess … wishes for me to paint her?”
Her voice came out as barely a squeak, still covered by her hands, and yet those grey eyes were as wide as the very sun now cresting the horizon.
“She does, yes,” answered Renise, hearing the caution in her own voice.
A moment of silence passed between them.
The baroness reached up for the letter. Renise offered it, then waited as the girl’s eyes ran across the words, barely pausing at the scribbled amendment to her name at the top.
“The princess … she extends her gratitude for what I have painted.”
“So she does.”
“She wishes for them to be used as decoration.”
Renise slowly nodded.
In truth, she was still extremely unsure about the entire matter of what … Soap Island was. But the princess had been insistent that the existing paintings be sent there.
“That is correct … yes.”
Renise said nothing more.
Ordinarily, she would be wishing the girl a heartfelt plea to understand the mercy shown to her. And to hope that in time, she would come to understand the folly of her pride. Particularly as the baroness’s hands began to shake, crumpling the letter.
Ordinarily.
Because those hands were not shaking with clear resentment.
“This letter … is for me.”
Renise pursed her lips.
“Yes, it is.”
“I … I thought she would exile me … or merely forget again I existed the moment her back was turned.”
“Your crimes are not so little that she could allow you to be.”
“Indeed … she acknowledges me. My talents. She … She wishes for an even finer portrait.”
A moment later–
The baroness brought the letter close to her … and tightly held it against chest as her lips quivered into a zany smile. The puffiness upon her cheeks vanished, replaced only with a shine as radiant as the sun.
And then, her eyes grew hazy as she stared into the distance at the back of one who had long since left.
Yes.
The princess had made a grave error.
This baroness … would not hesitate to paint more of her.
She would not hesitate to paint until she’d created a portrait so fine that it could match the Plafond De Dix Mille Cygnes painted upon the vestibule of the Reitzlake Cathedral. Renise knew this with as much certainty in her heart as the effort it would take to forget this conversation ever occurred.
But she could not do so yet.
Not while she still had questions to ask. And none regarding the preoccupation with the princess.
The baroness had not acted alone. There were those who helped to pry open both her purse strings and her mind to this misadventure.
Renise expected few helpful answers.
The baroness may have dreamt of an empire. But she was a pawn upon a board where another was already lined to take her place. And those who played at intrigue and lived beyond a night were not known for idle gossip.
A trying task.
Although Rose House was named in opposition to the lotuses from the east, she knew full well that she possessed no thorn which could hope to prick the shadows so heavy that they stifled all who sought to grow against them.
Until now, that is.
Renise would not allow the princess’s charity to go to waste.
There was much she had to do before the two paramount smugglers of the kingdom could be offered a stay of execution. A conversation with the Crown Prince being one of them. But it would involve no pleading tears. Only words as cold as the iron her parents were currently shackled to.
But first things first.
She could not return while any tasks lay unfinished. That would be an indictment against all of them.
“Ahem … Baroness Arisa, I’ve matters of importance to discuss with you before you are sent to perform the princess’s wishes. And should you desire her added gratitude, you would do well to answer them.”
The baroness ceased hugging her letter. Broken from her temporary stupor, the smile slowly faded from her lips as she looked up.
And then continued to look up.
Because as the light cresting Renise’s shoulders became cold, and the joy of spring which played upon the ends of her hair faded and died, all which could be seen of the baroness was her faraway eyes as she stared tellingly at the dimming horizon.
In that moment, whatever questions Renise had were all shortly replaced by a single one.
“… Why is it suddenly so dark?”
She turned around.
And then she paled … as she witnessed the dawn being ushered from the sky.
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I’m at a crossroads right now, my head is telling me no but my heart is telling me yes. The story is a bit complicated so I will do my best to explain our relationship so you can understand the full picture.
I’ll start with the way we initially got together. We come from the same country ethnically, but I lived my whole life abroad. When I was 17 I met her in my home country while I was visiting for the summer. We only spent one day together at a family gathering, she was a friend of a friend. Well since that day we became good friends and we started texting for years. Eventually I felt romantic interest in her but she declined because she wasn’t interested at the time. This was 6-7 years ago. Since then we didn’t talk as much. Then about 3 years ago during the summer, I was visiting again and we crossed paths again. It had been like 4 years since we last talked. We had a great conversation and it was as if we never stopped talking. We had extremely good chemistry and we both felt a spark. After that I knew she had interest in me, we kept texting and she sent me a really long paragraph about how she caught feelings for me and she regrets rejecting me in the past, and how she would really love it if I gave her another chance to get to know each other romantically. I felt the same way about her so I decided to give it a shot. Keep in mind I only saw her in person that one time, I left back to my country after just two days. But we were both willing to do long distance because we were extremely attracted to each other and we saw a future together.
So our entire relationship was basically long distance, all of it was over the phone. But our relationship escalated very quickly, she told me it happened like it was straight out of a movie. Eventually she was telling me things like I’m the one and she wants to marry me and she’s never been this sure of anything in her entire life. I felt the same way. It was one of those things where “when you know you know”. I had already know her previously and her personality. Anyways, we didn’t really have a plan to close the distance, but we were willing to stick it out until I could move to her. It would’ve taken 2-3 years. But of course we had to meet each other first and date in person. After a whole year of dating, we planned a trip together to Italy so we could finally spend time with each other for the first time. We waited a long time for this moment. I thought the trip went great and that it solidified our relationship, she told me she had a great time and that the chemistry was still there in person.
Well a few months after that trip, which was last January, she broke up with me. She basically said she couldn’t do the distance anymore even though she thought she could. And that she wasn’t able to see me only once a year, and keep saying “one day” without an actual plan. Which is completely understandable, I don’t blame her at all. It was probably doomed to fail because of that. But afterwards, I was so heartbroken by the breakup that I reacted very emotionally. I wrote her a long letter explaining my feelings and how I couldn’t understand why she would give up after all the promises. Now I completely understand, but at the time I didn’t because I was blinded by my own feelings. I kept pushing her and bothering her for more answers, and eventually she snapped at me. She said a lot of things that were hurtful and disrespectful. She said that she was forcing herself to be comfortable with me on the trip, that it wasn’t the type of comfort it should be with the one, she said that the distance wouldn’t have mattered if it was the right person (which contradicts her previous excuse about distance), she also said that she just didn’t love me anymore, and she didn’t want to settle for someone she has to learn to love, she wants to find a love that comes naturally to her. She also said that she might’ve just loved the idea of me because it felt different on the trip. And that if we had a base together, maybe it would’ve worked. But we never got to know each other physically, we got into a committed relationship for a year without ever seeing each other in person.
So basically, her initial reason was the distance, but after she snapped at me she said that it was because she didn’t love me and that I’m not the right person for her. Even though she believed with all her heart that I was the right person during the relationship. So maybe it was a combination of both reasons, I don’t know. Maybe the extreme distance led her to lose feelings and realize I’m not the right guy for her. Anyways, we ended it in January and we went no contact since then. Not a single text. I was extremely heartbroken for months and very hurt at the things she said to me. I couldn’t understand how she moved on so quickly and discarded me from her life. As if I never meant anything to her. We were planning our future together.
I just want to add that now 4 months after the breakup I completely understand her. I understand why she felt uncomfortable with me. We met each other for one day and then spent an entire year talking over the phone and got into a committed relationship. We never had the opportunity to get to know each other physically. In a normal relationship you would spend time together in person and THEN decide to commit. So over the course of a year we built up an idealized version of each other in our heads. When we met on the vacation, physically we were strangers. I’ll admit, I felt a bit uncomfortable too, and it felt a bit weird, but after a few days I did feel comfortable with her. I figured it was normal since we have to get used to each other. But I was willing to look past it because I loved her. And she is definitely the type of woman that needs to spend a long time with someone before feeling comfortable being intimate with them. Also, it was her first serious relationship and she’d never even had her first kiss before. She’s a very reserved and shy girl. Maybe I rushed things by trying to kiss her too soon, I should’ve went way slower and just focused on getting comfortable with each other. On top of all that, we were also in a strange environment that we’ve never been to before (Italy), with a person that is a stranger physically. Yes we talked for an entire year but physically we were strangers. We spent a year in a committed (digital) relationship, so by the time we met, there was all this expectation built up of how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to immediately behave as committed couples do. When in reality, what we probably should’ve done was get to know each other first. we should’ve probably just talked for a year without actually committing, and then decide if we want to be together after we actually meet. But since we both rushed into it, there was a lot of expectation. So overall it completely makes sense that we were uncomfortable because we never had a base to build off of.
Now it’s been about 4 months since the break up with no contact. A turn of events happened in my life and I ended up moving to my country this month, much sooner than I expected, for a work opportunity. It’s the same country where my ex lives. I wasn’t planning to move there for another 2-3 years, but it just so happened that I ended up moving back just 4 months after we broke up. As soon as I settled in, my ex reached out to me telling me that she heard I moved back to this country. We talked for a bit and we ended up meeting up so we could catch up with each other. She picked me up and we went for a drive, with no expectations to rekindle anything, just to have fun together. And we actually had an amazing time. A short drive turned into a whole day spent with her. We talked, we laughed, and I felt the same chemistry and spark that I felt when we first met. We hung out the next day, and the next day, then on the 4th day, she ended up telling me that she realized she still has feelings for me and wants to get back together. This time, it would be different because we are actually in the same country, there’s no more long distance.
I told her I needed to think about it, and now I’m here typing this. I don’t know if I should take her back or not, mainly because of the things she said to me during the break up. Yes, distance may have played a role in her losing feelings, and I give her the benefit of the doubt. But I can’t forget the things she said to me when she snapped. She told me HERSELF that she just didn’t love me, and that the distance wouldn’t have mattered with the right person. She made the decision to completely give up on me. She moved on so quickly and was completely fine without me in her life. When she broke up she had it in her mind that she wanted to find someone better. How can I forgive that? I tell myself, all of this happened because we could never be close, we never got to start the relationship the proper way. But I also tell myself, if she was the right person, would she have given up on me? I know that “the one” isn’t some magical feeling you only get with one person, and that circumstances sometimes cause relationships to not work out. But even under all these circumstances, maybe the right person would’ve stayed? Maybe the right person would’ve felt comfortable with me on the trip. Just because we now have a chance to be together now in close proximity, does that mean I should do it? Do I want someone that would only decide to love me if I am close to them? I don’t know if I am being reasonable by questioning these things. Maybe she is the right person but circumstances actually couldn’t let us be together until now. I can’t tell if I should say no because I should find someone that would stick with me through anything, I don’t even know if that person exists. I don’t know if anyone would be able to handle the relationship we had, so maybe it’s unfair to blame her for giving up on me.
I told her all these things and she gave me a huge apology and said she was wrong. She explained why she felt uncomfortable and why she felt like she lost feelings, and it was basically everything I explained before. But she said now she realized she was wrong and that she is comfortable with me and that she made a huge mistake. She said she confused her feelings and thought that I wasn’t the one when I actually was. I told her that she said she was settling for me. And she said she only said that because I made her mad so she snapped, I kept bothering her so she just wanted to push me away, and that she didn’t actually mean it. Now she wants to take everything back but I don’t know if I can believe her. She said she will do anything to prove to me that she’ll be loyal and that this time she will stay. She also said that she hasn’t dated anyone at all since we broke up, so there was no rebound or cheating involved. It was just because she felt like we wouldn’t work out in the long run.
But now, we’re close together, and we have an opportunity to start over and have a wonderful relationship together, the right way. And we had an amazing time together the last few days, we both have intense feelings for each other. I just don’t know if I should take her back after she gave up on me. Let’s say I did take her back, I would always be worried that she’ll do the same thing again. I would have to trust her again. I understand that the relationship was probably doomed to fail, but I never would’ve given up on her in a million years. Maybe women are wired differently. I honestly still have a lot of love for her, and I still want to be with her. But I don’t want to get hurt again. What do you think? Should I give it a chance or am I better off finding someone new?
TL;DR - I'm (24M) torn about getting back with my ex (22F). We had a long-distance relationship, but she broke up with me due to the distance and said some hurtful things. Now that I've moved back to our home country, we've reconnected, and she wants to try again. While the chemistry is still there, I'm unsure if I can trust her after she gave up on us once. Should I give it another shot or move on?

I saw some rought ratings for this movie but I have to say I did enjoyed it.
Maybe this hits you harder when you are in a long term relationship, like I am, but I could emphasize with her (and him).
At some point to movie does feel a little slow but I think they focussed more on the visuals and sound then dialogue. Its also much more about their relationship and I felt that, especially in the end, I felt it deep and made me question if I could be better as well.
Memorable scenes for me were;
The conversation Junior had with Terrance and he says, as much as you think you know her, you will never know everything about her, before she knew you she had disires and thoughts of her own that you dont know about.
And when Hen is discussing the fact how she wants to leave him and says, I would leave him a letter and the letter would be blanc. It would say nothing but everything at the same time.
I also loved the romantic scènes because they were so pure. I always found Saoirse Ronan a very attractive woman but the scenes with her just laying with husband were so aesthetically beautifull. The director managed to capture all of her thoughts in every frame and made her so incredibly beautifull. The way she moved, gazed in the distance, how she stroke the keys of the piano, how she laughed and how she cried.
I think it was beautiful and sad at the same time. Worth watching it. And thats coming from someone who doesnt like romantic movies at all. Even though I think this film is not for everybody.
To be completely honost, I thought this movie was going to be a thriller and would involve murder so I was a little blind sighted that this was actually a romantic drama movie hahahaha.

I’m at a crossroads right now, my head is telling me no but my heart is telling me yes. The story is a bit complicated so I will do my best to explain our relationship so you can understand the full picture.
I’ll start with the way we initially got together. We come from the same country ethnically, but I lived my whole life abroad. When I was 17 I met her in my home country while I was visiting for the summer. We only spent one day together at a family gathering, she was a friend of a friend. Well since that day we became good friends and we started texting for years. Eventually I felt romantic interest in her but she declined because she wasn’t interested at the time. This was 6-7 years ago. Since then we didn’t talk as much. Then about 3 years ago during the summer, I was visiting again and we crossed paths again. It had been like 4 years since we last talked. We had a great conversation and it was as if we never stopped talking. We had extremely good chemistry and we both felt a spark. After that I knew she had interest in me, we kept texting and she sent me a really long paragraph about how she caught feelings for me and she regrets rejecting me in the past, and how she would really love it if I gave her another chance to get to know each other romantically. I felt the same way about her so I decided to give it a shot. Keep in mind I only saw her in person that one time, I left back to my country after just two days. But we were both willing to do long distance because we were extremely attracted to each other and we saw a future together.
So our entire relationship was basically long distance, all of it was over the phone. But our relationship escalated very quickly, she told me it happened like it was straight out of a movie. Eventually she was telling me things like I’m the one and she wants to marry me and she’s never been this sure of anything in her entire life. I felt the same way. It was one of those things where “when you know you know”. I had already know her previously and her personality. Anyways, we didn’t really have a plan to close the distance, but we were willing to stick it out until I could move to her. It would’ve taken 2-3 years. But of course we had to meet each other first and date in person. After a whole year of dating, we planned a trip together to Italy so we could finally spend time with each other for the first time. We waited a long time for this moment. I thought the trip went great and that it solidified our relationship, she told me she had a great time and that the chemistry was still there in person.
Well a few months after that trip, which was last January, she broke up with me. She basically said she couldn’t do the distance anymore even though she thought she could. And that she wasn’t able to see me only once a year, and keep saying “one day” without an actual plan. Which is completely understandable, I don’t blame her at all. It was probably doomed to fail because of that. But afterwards, I was so heartbroken by the breakup that I reacted very emotionally. I wrote her a long letter explaining my feelings and how I couldn’t understand why she would give up after all the promises. Now I completely understand, but at the time I didn’t because I was blinded by my own feelings. I kept pushing her and bothering her for more answers, and eventually she snapped at me. She said a lot of things that were hurtful and disrespectful. She said that she was forcing herself to be comfortable with me on the trip, that it wasn’t the type of comfort it should be with the one, she said that the distance wouldn’t have mattered if it was the right person (which contradicts her previous excuse about distance), she also said that she just didn’t love me anymore, and she didn’t want to settle for someone she has to learn to love, she wants to find a love that comes naturally to her. She also said that she might’ve just loved the idea of me because it felt different on the trip. And that if we had a base together, maybe it would’ve worked. But we never got to know each other physically, we got into a committed relationship for a year without ever seeing each other in person.
So basically, her initial reason was the distance, but after she snapped at me she said that it was because she didn’t love me and that I’m not the right person for her. Even though she believed with all her heart that I was the right person during the relationship. So maybe it was a combination of both reasons, I don’t know. Maybe the extreme distance led her to lose feelings and realize I’m not the right guy for her. Anyways, we ended it in January and we went no contact since then. Not a single text. I was extremely heartbroken for months and very hurt at the things she said to me. I couldn’t understand how she moved on so quickly and discarded me from her life. As if I never meant anything to her. We were planning our future together.
I just want to add that now 4 months after the breakup I completely understand her. I understand why she felt uncomfortable with me. We met each other for one day and then spent an entire year talking over the phone and got into a committed relationship. We never had the opportunity to get to know each other physically. In a normal relationship you would spend time together in person and THEN decide to commit. So over the course of a year we built up an idealized version of each other in our heads. When we met on the vacation, physically we were strangers. I’ll admit, I felt a bit uncomfortable too, and it felt a bit weird, but after a few days I did feel comfortable with her. I figured it was normal since we have to get used to each other. But I was willing to look past it because I loved her. And she is definitely the type of woman that needs to spend a long time with someone before feeling comfortable being intimate with them. Also, it was her first serious relationship and she’d never even had her first kiss before. She’s a very reserved and shy girl. Maybe I rushed things by trying to kiss her too soon, I should’ve went way slower and just focused on getting comfortable with each other. On top of all that, we were also in a strange environment that we’ve never been to before (Italy), with a person that is a stranger physically. Yes we talked for an entire year but physically we were strangers. We spent a year in a committed (digital) relationship, so by the time we met, there was all this expectation built up of how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to immediately behave as committed couples do. When in reality, what we probably should’ve done was get to know each other first. we should’ve probably just talked for a year without actually committing, and then decide if we want to be together after we actually meet. But since we both rushed into it, there was a lot of expectation. So overall it completely makes sense that we were uncomfortable because we never had a base to build off of.
Now it’s been about 4 months since the break up with no contact. A turn of events happened in my life and I ended up moving to my country this month, much sooner than I expected, for a work opportunity. It’s the same country where my ex lives. I wasn’t planning to move there for another 2-3 years, but it just so happened that I ended up moving back just 4 months after we broke up. As soon as I settled in, my ex reached out to me telling me that she heard I moved back to this country. We talked for a bit and we ended up meeting up so we could catch up with each other. She picked me up and we went for a drive, with no expectations to rekindle anything, just to have fun together. And we actually had an amazing time. A short drive turned into a whole day spent with her. We talked, we laughed, and I felt the same chemistry and spark that I felt when we first met. We hung out the next day, and the next day, then on the 4th day, she ended up telling me that she realized she still has feelings for me and wants to get back together. This time, it would be different because we are actually in the same country, there’s no more long distance.
I told her I needed to think about it, and now I’m here typing this. I don’t know if I should take her back or not, mainly because of the things she said to me during the break up. Yes, distance may have played a role in her losing feelings, and I give her the benefit of the doubt. But I can’t forget the things she said to me when she snapped. She told me HERSELF that she just didn’t love me, and that the distance wouldn’t have mattered with the right person. She made the decision to completely give up on me. She moved on so quickly and was completely fine without me in her life. When she broke up she had it in her mind that she wanted to find someone better. How can I forgive that? I tell myself, all of this happened because we could never be close, we never got to start the relationship the proper way. But I also tell myself, if she was the right person, would she have given up on me? I know that “the one” isn’t some magical feeling you only get with one person, and that circumstances sometimes cause relationships to not work out. But even under all these circumstances, maybe the right person would’ve stayed? Maybe the right person would’ve felt comfortable with me on the trip. Just because we now have a chance to be together now in close proximity, does that mean I should do it? Do I want someone that would only decide to love me if I am close to them? I don’t know if I am being reasonable by questioning these things. Maybe she is the right person but circumstances actually couldn’t let us be together until now. I can’t tell if I should say no because I should find someone that would stick with me through anything, I don’t even know if that person exists. I don’t know if anyone would be able to handle the relationship we had, so maybe it’s unfair to blame her for giving up on me.
I told her all these things and she gave me a huge apology and said she was wrong. She explained why she felt uncomfortable and why she felt like she lost feelings, and it was basically everything I explained before. But she said now she realized she was wrong and that she is comfortable with me and that she made a huge mistake. She said she confused her feelings and thought that I wasn’t the one when I actually was. I told her that she said she was settling for me. And she said she only said that because I made her mad so she snapped, I kept bothering her so she just wanted to push me away, and that she didn’t actually mean it. Now she wants to take everything back but I don’t know if I can believe her. She said she will do anything to prove to me that she’ll be loyal and that this time she will stay. She also said that she hasn’t dated anyone at all since we broke up, so there was no rebound or cheating involved. It was just because she felt like we wouldn’t work out in the long run.
But now, we’re close together, and we have an opportunity to start over and have a wonderful relationship together, the right way. And we had an amazing time together the last few days, we both have intense feelings for each other. I just don’t know if I should take her back after she gave up on me. Let’s say I did take her back, I would always be worried that she’ll do the same thing again. I would have to trust her again. I understand that the relationship was probably doomed to fail, but I never would’ve given up on her in a million years. Maybe women are wired differently. I honestly still have a lot of love for her, and I still want to be with her. But I don’t want to get hurt again. What do you think? Should I give it a chance or am I better off finding someone new?
TL;DR - I'm (24M) torn about getting back with my ex (22F). We had a long-distance relationship, but she broke up with me due to the distance and said some hurtful things. Now that I've moved back to our home country, we've reconnected, and she wants to try again. While the chemistry is still there, I'm unsure if I can trust her after she gave up on us once. Should I give it another shot or move on?

To all guys and girls reading this and to the super Mom of 5 who lives near Selden who I once knew and saw intimately and dated for over a year. First out of respect, I wish your health and your wellbeing is good and all the best for your kids.
I mean this letter in whole heart, respect and honest of how I felt and I am man who admits when im wrong and I feel Im Right about all of this. I came across a nice facebook post real, where it showed a nice Love scene from the movie “The notebook. by angel alure. (Look it up)
Yeah, you are probably thinking im crazy for maybe writing about a woman I once knew. To the woman I once knew:
That fact is, I’m crazy about being in love with you.- I do miss you and im willing to “maybe” sit down with you , maybe and I consider it again. But not yet. your friend T******* was right when I saw her in april 2024 on a food delivery run, that “the heart wants what the heart wants”. After I surprisingly I delivered food for her. I guess that isn’t a sign right too? That we are not mean to be together and then hitting up your friend N**** in april 2024 who didn’t want to date me because she was friend with you. – Yeah both signs in my eyes that maybe we are meant to be together but I know you don’t believe in Love signs. – I do!
I wanted to let you know that our ultimate missed connection was not forgotten. This is the ultimate 21 year “missed connection”. I give you this story and a nice “song story” after this missed connection story to a woman I once knew and the “song story” is a song she once loved and grew up loving and she probably still does like the song below. I wanted to let you know from the facebook reel and the notebook that "This love does exist for a season or a year with a woman i once knew. I’m keeping her name private out of respect for me and her.
I dated a woman and was with her for off/on a year. Then she went back to her ex for the 4th time , in between me, and current fiancé per her FB post from 2017 lol ( i guess he was the whole time) like and you cheated on him. Like every girl i know and here does and plays commitment games with a guy. – Yeah I saw that old post you still make public for me and people to see , and way to rub it in to a guy who maybe still loves you.
For you and for everyone watch out for a woman like this. Sometimes, they use a guy to fill a void from the guy they hate, so she said, or the home life they are depressed from, used my good qualities for months to a year,, then go back to the guy she loved and has 3 kids with in the first place (and two others with a former exbf) after one little argument we had over edibles and nothing and trying to see you! She told me she loved me and then went to him "cause they worked it out for the kids" BS!.
The love existed for a season but when the love stress gets tough, women aren’t mature enough to find a solution to make it work! You say, you thought I was mentally ill or mentally retarted to not know your social boundaries, I knew your social boundaries and sometimes, I just didn’t care and maybe I would have respect you more if your life wasn’t an anxiety attack on me. I was sure as hell stable and good when we were dating from November to april 2023- oh well., - oh well , It didnt work out but we still have the future and its never too late to change :) She last told me she isn't interested in me anymore back in February 2024 after "calling me by mistake " according to her and just dialed me after i said goodbye to her in January 2024 to start a new chapter without you!. - I call bullshit and I’m right because according to dating experts, girls "will say they call a ex by mistake" to play games and see my reaction.
– Well this isn’t a game, it was true love and we messed up at it due to you not fighting for me. I guess everyone online that i read about is wrong and you are right? Pssh You just lied to me on how you really feel and you didn’t want the hard road and the transition to being with me over one argument we had back in april 2023 and December 2023. Ohh my god. Big deal. Guess what? people who love each other fight! and then they work it out! Good, I feel so much better now and not dealing with your toxic moments anymore.
By the way,- When we dated, even in June to august, then November to December 23rd 2024 while you were with your BF M***, I wasn’t mentally crazy was i? NOPE, Was i a mentally ill? NOPE i was not and you adored me when we dated. I was stable. - Maybe If you didn’t have your ex around, i wouldn’t have to feel anxious. Maybe I would not have texted you a lot and I would have felt comfortable dating you with him not around and I would have given you the space that you and I like. Yes, I liked my space too- Maybe if you didn’t hide me from your kids, If would have been special and stable for me to treated you stable. - Your actions created my instability and your home life affected both of us.
Simple You secreted dated me and him at the same time! - I’m not stupid! You made me crazy with your unstable life and not listening to my advice. I don’t control anyone but we could have been special and developed a possible long term relationship, leading to marriage. - I felt it and sorry you didn’t! You are just a user and woman who used men for your desperate time, and yes, I would have helped you watched your kids, in time, and changed my life for you and for the better. You just used me to get over your negative home life since Nov 2022 and lost the best guy that would love you until the end of time and your death, - I hope you are happy , Have fun being mentally happy with your award winning fiancé who you cheated on. Yup! (you know who you are) Life goes on! ""
To any woman that was with me and wants to be with me, in the future, they will get go with me to my 5 star Miami beach hotel getaway, like I did in march and share my beautiful 5 star new bathroom I have - Yup, I improved myself and will be better to improve my life.
Love will maybe exist one day again for me with a stable woman who knows how to commit to dating and not being shady! - I am so happy in my life , in at peace and back to being a cool confident person like I was in 2022.
So cheers to you and Im happy i let you go and so did you but only because i chose to walk away originally, - Don’t forget it, it was my idea to let you be in Janaury 2024 because of you choosing him over me. I knew it then and every time you left me. It was because of him and your kids driving you nuts.
– Admit it! I did everything I could as a good possible boyfriend to you. I cherished our memories but now I cherish my peace and maybe I will consider and be open to sitting down and having a positive conversation down the road with you when you are no longer with your ex or current boyfriend, whatever you two are, and no longer LIVING with him for good, not just sharing his bed for a month, and he moves back in like you did in NovembeDecember 2023.
Yeah I knew you were going to let him move back in after not allowing me over on weekends you had the apt to yourself and telling me you told him, Keep your bed here. Doesn’t matter right?. - If not, Im happy with or without you . Im not saying i will or will not ever date you and be with you again, but i "might" be down to having a nice catch up conversation with you one day when more times passes and maybe we both want that and maybe when I run into you again in life. Who knows? Small world as I connect with your two friends post breakup. - . Just "maybe" - like you always said to me and mess with my mind - Just one day....If not and .If we dont meet again for a open conversation IN PERSON like real adults doo. Not over the phone or social media., oh well, I guess you will never know what our love "could have been" and what i am and what i do on the side (That i never told you about) that would make you or any woman feel good about me and being with a husband who helps people and certain individuals you love, all over the country.
Too bad, I guess we will never know and you never got to see and date me in a healthy way, without your ex and fiancé "again" around you in your home. - Good luck until then or see you in the next life. Happy being happy with or without you! - At the end of the day, I truly do miss you and our time together but i dont miss our toxic times and it could have been positive if you wanted it to be. You wanted him over me, simple.
Admit and tell the truth. Honesty is the best policy as my grandma used to say, Just like your grandma used to tell you, "If someone doesn’t want you in your life, Leave them the F alone" – Well I did leave you alone 4 times and I was a fool in love with you and you came back to me as well. Four times over. Did you tell your dad and family you did continuing seeing me? Who cares what other people think and I only cared about seeing you and that’s it and trying to be with you. You just cared about how me or anyone helps our your situation because you were desperate and its all About you right??? . What do you expect me to do? With a woman I’ve known since 2002.
I guess you didn’t want your childhood crush and adult crush like I did.
You say, you cant force love? Well what do you call meeting you in 2002 at our legendary casino hotel?? What do you call talking to you over social media for decades? What do you call running into you again in 2012 at subway?
And chatting again on POF in 2014/2015 , which you never got back to me. yeah I remember “Ghost” - What do you call meeting you and reconnecting with you in 2017 at the very place we met in 2002? – what do you call re-connecting on tinder? Then we dated in 2022/2023 – Well I call it fate, you call it, taking advantage of a guy who YOU know always like you. You took advantage of my feelings. When we dated off and on - <- That why I hated you and miss you and was pissed at you in February 2024. – You used my feelings and energy to get back at your live in Ex boyfriend or finance now.
– Yeah, I still see your old post from 2017, I guess you always did love him while we dated. & you cheated on him from November to April 2023, June, July August 2023, Nov/Dec 2023. - Shame on you and you lied right to my freaking face. That you said “I hate him and I will never go back to my EX M*** in 2023 & end of 2022 - No, I cant get over you sometimes, because the heart wants, what the hearts wants.
Most of the time im good, but to be honest, whenever our songs come on, I have to let them turn off or I shed a tear and cry at work thinking of us. - However, I choose not to see you while you live with him and be with a unstable boyfriend and not go through what we went through again.
I choose my peace over us being toxic again. – IF you want it again, It could happen but it has to be healthy like IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SINCE NOV. 2022 AND IN FEBRUARY 2023 WHEN HE WAS SUPPOSED TO MOVE OUT? Did he really even move out by the way? Or was that another lie?
Now,. You said to me earlier this year, you don’t want to see me anymore, I call bullshit and I say you were confused. You wanted me in your life when you were with me, I just think you are confused and lost that loving feeling from you two exs or negative boyfriend. Im sorry you felt that way about me and you really lost out on a good and confident man! - Ohh well...and now I begin the process of becoming more confident and greater at loving myself and someone else then I ever did before! Have fun watching from a distance.
–P.S. I’m glad I didn’t date your so called friend N******A who you went to mall with in March. People like her need to give a guy like me a chance. Glad I avoided that train wreck and her thinking she is too good enough to date me because she is friends with you. – Who gives a fuck? Every girl and yes, I didn’t care about dating her either way, Tell her to stop showing her boobs if she wants a decent guy to respect her wishes lol. JK. See every girl has excuses to let love get in the way. .
Be well to you "super mama" Bella".. To give a happy ending, because I know you like one like a happy meal at McDonalds, and If you read this and got this far, I will now let you read a “song story” I wrote and tell you about a song that a woman I once knew grew up loving this song.
I will tell you a story about a little boy liking a girl he grew up with and fell in love with while he seen and was in love with her& did anything to just see her but with a twist……
.The song lyrics goes like this and maybe you know the song, not sure….but here goes…
“Once, I was seven years old, my mama told me "Go make yourself some friends, or you'll be lonely"
Once I was a seven years old and I started to learn about girls and wanted to make some friends.
“Once, I was 11 years old, my daddy told me "Go get yourself a wife, or you'll be lonely"
I was always dreamed when I was 11 years old of being and going down a wedding aisle with a beautiful brown skin girl and her kids but I couldn’t see her face after watching a lot of movies and love shows. – foundation of my love life 
Once I was 17 years old, and I met a beautiful brown skin Panamanian at a hotel party with friends who looked like Pocahontas and had the most beautiful face I have ever seen. – Ever! I wanted her like a hungry kid wanted McDonalds.
Once I was 18 years old and I heard she moved away from me. I asked a girl she grew up with me for her phone number but she didn’t give it to me or did not have it.I was sad and didn’t know how to contact her and wanted to be with her and going out on a date with her. I thought maybe we could be friends and maybe be in a relationship. I wanted love at that time and I loved her beautiful 1000 years and million dollar smile. – That move of her, was the start of the 21 year missed connection “Once, I was 20 years old, my story got told Before the morning sun, when life was lonely”
Once I was 20 years old & 21 years old and I thought about her in college and decided to write her on myspace or facebook. Don’t remember if she replied but I knew I wanted to see her millon dollar Panamanian smile. I missed seeing her in my college year. We chatted for years on social media or chatted through the years until my mid 20s and when I was 27 years old, Fated happen and we met again in October 2012
Once I was 27 years old and I met the beautiful brown skin Panamanian mom of two in front of and inside Medford subway sandwich restaurant, the same day I got out of the hospital in October 2012. I looked at her in surprise. She looked at me too but I don’t think she recognized me as she had her little girl and young son with her. I was too afraid to talk to her as I was feeling down that day. I watched her walk away from my life at that point and didn’t say a word. It just wasn’t met to be another “missed connection”
Once I was 29/30 years old and in 2015, I messaged her on a dating website called POF and I didn’t hear back from her for whatever reason, another internet “missed connection” we chatted for another 5 years until 2017.
“Soon, we'll be 30 years old, our songs have been sold We've traveled around the world, and we're still roaming Soon, we'll be 30 years old. Im still learning about life, my woman [I wanted a woman like her to bring] children for me [in marriage] So I can sing them all my songs, and I can tell them stories Most of my boys are with me, some are still out seeking glory And some I had to leave behind, my brother, I'm still sorry”
Once I was 32 years old and I met her again as a casino hotel where I shared a bed with her back in 2002. I had a talk with her and her boyfriend was somewhere there. She didn’t tell me that until after. I enjoyed reconnected and talking to her with her two woman friends, as she played the slots. – I certainly wanted her and I think she liked me then but didn’t wanted to say anything. We talked and then I left. We chatted all through the next 6 years until I met her again when I was 37 years old. – another missed connection or was it?
Once I was 37 years old, and I found out she “was single” through tinder. We dated in “sweet november 2022” and until april 2023. We broke up 2 times and then reconnected in July 2023 and then again in Sweet November 2023. I was so happy being with her off and on 4 times until the last day I saw her was in December 23rd 2024 to complete my Christmas wish. We also spend the days leading up to holidays together and I was so happy and in love with her.
Once I was 38 years old . I was unsure about her as I felt she used my feelings and she went back to her 4 times after she criticized my imperfections and made any excuse to just use my feelings since November 2022. I showed her good intent and her intent was to take advantage of me. throughout 2023, I was in love and hated our toxic times because of her home situation and her ex..
Once I was 38 years old and the beautiful brown skin woman saw me at night and slept over my place in November 2023 and December 2023. We had beautiful moments together and when we there for each other when times got tough for both of us. She saw me during the day when I was out of work and needed someone to talk to. I loved her as a friend , a possible dating girlfriend, a lover, a future girlfriend and maybe wife, but I think all she saw me was someone to make love to and use me for love and physical sex and love when it was convenient for her and she wasn’t getting it at home. I blame her and I don’t blame her. It was another truly good and bad missed connection at a shot at love that didn’t work due to whats written above this song story.
Once I was still 38 years old and once Im about to be 39 years old, I miss the woman I grew up with and miss the woman I want to maybe see one day over a conversation, when she doesn’t live with him or her boyfriend or ex finance anymore. If not, I will be happy and cherished our 21 year missed ultimate connection and cherish our times together. I will love you from afar, maybe, but only the good times.
Once I am 38 years old now, I am happy without you and maybe even happier if you find in your heart to realize how good I was to you, and how we had special times at C**** beach, Casino hotel, movies, restaurants, my place, your place a couple times. - I said goodbye to you in person on January 4th 2024, told you I love you . I was crying and looked at you as I was driving away. You then called me by mistake in February 2024 and we had our last argument. I wanted you so bad and to have another connection.
Once I was 38 years old and it now May/June 2024. – I haven’t seen you for real in over 6 months since 2 days xmas and for 5 mintues on January 4th, - I am really sorry, that me and you could not be together. It was not meant to be, because you didn’t want it to be and you didn’t see yourself with me. – I now realize you wanted him. So go be with you ultimate connection of your life with who you share 3 kids with. We had our time and I will cherish it..........
I am now happy without you but like I said, I “might” consider sitting down and talking to you in time If you would maybe want that after times, If that time comes and we run into each other again for another “connection” . – will it be a missed connection or a ultimate connection?
I last saw you on January 4th 2024, we average “running into each other” every 5 ot 6 years . so maybe see when Im 43 or 44 years old and I can say.
Once I was 44 years old…..To be continued Thank you for reading and Be Well to the super mama that lives near selden.
P.S. I do miss our times and our moments at the “selden post office” and our time together - Well see what the future holds for us and if we ever get to see what it would be like dating healthy and just us and no living with ex’s
Did you enjoy reading my story?
Do you see me and my story and what its like to be a boy being and wanting to be with a mom of 5? – do you see him?........
Now imagine it’s a girl chasing a boy she loved when was 17 and not 16 and now imagine it’s a woman chasing a guy of 5 kids when the guy was 37 years old and wanted it make it work What would you do B*******?
Would the girl continue to try and get that ultimate connection?
Time will tell and time heals all wounds. – Less is more right?
– How would you feel if the roles would be reversed. – Well See
To all : I hoped you enjoyed reading my “song story” – The real song is sang by Lukas Graham and it’s called 7 years. Feel free to listen to it. – I have to turn it off and aother songs that make me remind me of her. ..To everyone else and all of my single guys "this love doesn’t exist anymore, unless 2 people make it work and not make excuses! - simple as that. - Watch who you date and watch out for the narcissist two faced woman who I seen and dated. Love is sure interesting sometime in your life. Lesson learned. Good luck to all and thanks for reading.-
Would could have been B****? – Once I was XX year old and we will find out or we wont with us – Follow your heart and the rest we’ll figure out – I promise and I don’t break them. – simple 

I am 24 years old. I have about 3 friends in total. I’m so lonely it’s ridiculous. I have never been good at keeping friends. I’m very loud ,bubbly and too nice(that’s what people say). My childhood friends turned into my bullies when the new girl came into school and decided she hated me I was maybe 10. I couldn’t wait to move schools and get older. At 13 I started secondary school a fresh start. I make new friends I have an actual group of friends instead of just one or two. I have a main best friend. The group gets smaller because we realise we have more in common with others no worries that happens we still talk. At 16 my best friend decided to move schools. She was like my other half. We promise to talk all the time and see eachother too. She decides over summer break that she wants a fresh start stops talking to me. I’m heartbroken it literally feels like a breakup. Then I learn she’s still talking to my two other friends. They all still talk to this day. She tried to talk to me two years later but I was petty and hurt and she decided to get with my crush and my brother. Sadly I think about her all the time. Then at 16 I make a new group of friends there’s 6 girls and about 4/5 guys. We all get along so well. Some I’ve known since I was 5 and reconnected. Some I’ve known since 13 and one I’ve been really good friends with from my original new group of friends. We’re young and have drama. My family life is terrible but I love school because it’s an escape I can be happy and laugh. Be the best me. I love learning. Then my friend that I had the longest decided to have a big meltdown at our group. It was a difficult time we were almost finished school exams are coming up. She says horrible things about all of us. So as a group we all kinda distance ourselves. I am known as the girl who’s always there for everyone the “mother” of the group. I’m always checking in on everyone. The shoulder to cry on. I love it because I adore helping people and being there for the ones I love. None of my friends know about how bad my home life is. As we get to our final few months I get really close with one of my friends let’s call her Daisy. Daisy and I are opposites but it works. She’s tough and I’m weak. I cry she doesn’t. We balance eachother out. She makes me stronger I make her kinder. Turns out we have similar home lives. We go to college we all keep in contact. We are all doing different things but meet up for birthdays. Daisy never goes to anyone’s birthdays bar mine. She misses nearly every event. I’m there for everyone. At this point I’m not doing so good but I hold it all together. I have to be happy and perfect or my family life will collapse and so will my friendships. I’m finding my first year of college so much fun. Stressful but fun. Daisy doesn’t like her course. I help her change courses. My family helps her too. Daisy has now become my strongest friend we feel like our other half’s even her boyfriend says so. Covid happens and my world is changed. I’m in my second year of college now online. My dad is an alcoholic and abusive. All my family is at home everyday all the time. He’s drinking all day long. Verbal, mental and physical abuse. My life is hell. I hide it from everyone. I can feel myself slipping. But I have to be perfect. My brother is a wild child still is. But I will hold this fucked up family together. Then my granny dies and I reach a breaking point. 2021. It’s April and I realise I can’t leave my bedroom let alone my house. I’m depressed and having dozens of panic attacks a day. My family confronts me. I tell them I’m agoraphobic. I start online therapy better help. Disaster. Then my dad moves out. December I’m given an eviction notice by my father. I can’t leave the house. Fathers side of the family are so nasty to us especially me. I tell my friends. They kinda care. Most just find it funny. Don’t take it serious. I tell them about my mental health. Daisy doesn’t understand but she tries. I have to move out by August 2022. I’m terrified but my mother , brother and I move. We did it. My mental health gets worse. Daisy is annoyed at me. She threats me differently. I just wanna be normal. I go on medication antidepressants. They start to make me worse. But then they kick in. I can walk outside. I’m more depressed but numb. Daisy doesn’t want me. We grow apart. Daisy talks to my other friends. They all say I’m a shit friend. They stop talking to me. Daisy sees my brother in a pub talks shit about me Daisy says nothing to me. I forgive Daisy and say sorry for not being there for her I’ve just been really down. Daisy says ok. Daisy treats me like I’m not myself. Like there’s something wrong with me. I say I’ll never be the old me I’m too broken. She says ok I wanted the old you. My nana dies January 2024. Daisy talks to me to hear family gossip because it’s funny and amusing. I’m just happy to talk to Daisy. I try to make normal conversation again. Daisy shits me out. I start to get better. I’m going places. Daisy is angry that I’m doing better. I stop talking to Daisy. I haven’t spoken to my fathers family in a year they treat me terribly at the funeral. Father says I should get hypnotised that will cure me or pray more. Brother is talking to dad again. Brother is back on drugs to cope with father. Brother acts out. I’m exhausted. Today my father and brother had a phone call. I heard the whole thing. Father says my cousin is annoyed at me for not talking to my father. Father has been drinking nonstop sending brother terrible messages. So now I have no friends and half a family. I feel like I’m back in school when nobody picked me for the team. I’m not good enough to be a friend. Or daughter or cousin. And I’m wrong for choosing peace

I quit today, and I sent the following letter out to the whole company. They deleted it pretty fast, but I'm reposting it here so others can see it. I did this so other employees can see that they are not alone when it comes to harassment and bullying by the company, and that there are plenty of others who feel the way you do.
"This was the first job where I felt happy about my work and my contribution to the community. I love meeting all of the fur babies. I love helping find solutions for our customers no matter how small. I love that Mud Bay is local and has great knowledge training, treat samples, can trials, and other things that help Mud Bay stand apart from other pet supply stores.
However, never in my life have I felt so disrespected and unsupported by an employer.
Working for Mud Bay is the definition of bait and switch. We are presented with a promising image of Mud Bay, but once employees spend some time here it becomes apparent that it’s all a façade. The first red flag should have been the $18/hour entry level wage we are presented with. Mud Bay states that the wages they pay are based on the MIT living wage calculator. According to that, the living wage for one adult without children in Whatcom county is $23.52/hour. With a promise of a wage increase at the start of the new year I took the job because of all of the great things Mud Bay seemed to offer. Only to find out later that all wages had been frozen. $18/hour is absolutely unsustainable, you cannot afford to live on this wage.
The other red flag should have been the point system. It is the most ridiculous timekeeping system I’ve ever seen. There is no room for unexpected events to happen, which happen to all of us. This forces employees to come in when they’re sick and even when they have broken bones. And with such low pay, most employees don’t have the money for the doctor’s appointment we need in order to jump through the hoops that Mud Bay has established. This is encouraging people to push themselves past their limits, prolonging whatever sickness or injury they have. The point system is a way to blackmail employees, giving us all an ultimatum. Either you come in or you get fired. After the whole world went through a pandemic, Mud Bay still says come into work sick.
When you start any job, you are given a list of expectations. A code of conduct if you will. Employees should also have a set of expectations for our leadership teams. I expect my manager to be open and honest. I expect my manager to have my back, especially when it comes to customer issues. I expect my manager to have the backbone to advocate for me when I’m not present. I expect my manager to assume good intentions. And I expect to feel valued and supported by my manager. The exact opposite has happened during my time with the company.
Recently I had a difficult interaction with a customer who has a past of harassing and making employees uncomfortable. When management sat down to discipline me I was told that I can’t use past customer interactions to help guide the present. You cannot tell your employees that they need to forget past encounters and not take them into consideration when you are in your current situation. Not only does that have the potential to be extremely dangerous, but it is also extremely hypocritical. Is it not good business to remember our customers and their pets? Is it not good business to remember the conversations we have to make them feel important because we know their name and remember the food they buy? Leadership cannot change their tone and best practice just to fit their narrative.
I was put on final notice, my whole livelihood hanging in the balance because management actively chose not to support their employee. The temper tantrum of a grown adult was treated as gospel by leadership, and now I suffer the consequences for it. Without this job I cannot make ends meet, making it a very real possibility that I will no longer have a roof over my head. Mud Bay failed to look at the full picture and how their decisions could impact their employee. Mud Bay preaches the importance of their employees, but this situation says something very different. How dare Mud Bay say they care about their employees when their managers would rip away the roof over an employee’s head. Mud Bay is no better than any other corporation and they will never succeed if this is how the employees are treated.
But perhaps Mud Bay measures their success by profit alone. If that’s the case, one would think that the company would be in a better financial situation. Since Mud Bay needs to improve their balance sheet, leadership has made decisions that negatively affect their employees. One of these decisions was to enforce split shifts. By doing this, whatever work life balance there was to begin with is being taken away. Employees have no time at home, they have no time for their family, their friends, or their pets. This forces employees to be available during all business hours in order to get the hours they need. I am willing to bet that everyone in back office making these decisions has a cushy 8 to 5 job that they don’t have to split. These employees get to unplug from work after their shift before returning the next day. These forced split shifts are exhausting the same employees that keep Mud Bay in business.
When I was a customer before I started my position here, I always felt welcome. Mud Bay felt like a judgment free space and a company that really supported their community. There were pride flags, Black Lives Matter statements and employees had their pronouns on their name badge, so when a customer came in and began to harass me about my gender identity and preferred pronouns, I had assumed that management and the company would have my back. This was not the case. There was no deescalation and no attempt at asking them to leave. The only “support” I got from management was “can we agree to disagree?” That is not only insulting to me, but to anyone else that has to deal with the lack of education and empathy surrounding gender identity. That comment encourages gender bias and antagonistic behavior towards others. I stood there, I defended myself, and I was alone. My manager had the opportunity to say something and chose not to. If this manager represents Mud Bay, then this company cannot call itself an ally and should stop advertising itself as such.
A quick google search will show my experience here at Mud Bay is not unique. I am sure most are aware of the article written by Real Change News. If you have not read it yet, you should take the time to do so. At the end of the article the author says that Mud Bay decided not to comment when questioned. The fact that these concerns have not been addressed yet by Mud Bay to their employees directly is extremely concerning. I encourage you all to read that article and ask yourselves why Mud Bay chose not to comment. The reason I am addressing all of you is because I care about the people I work with, our customers and this job. I strongly believe there is so much potential for Mud Bay. Talk to each other, talk to your managers and ask those hard questions. Change is uncomfortable, but it is important to hold our leadership accountable. Not only to create a better working environment for all of us, but also to create a better Mud Bay experience for our customers. "
“We believe culture is something that is created, not just stated.” -Mud Bay