Book Your Free Consultation Today! > Discord @ shelbion

About Me

My name is Shelbion and I've been an avid League of Legends player for over a decade. In Season 4, I reached Challenger for the first time and even considered pursuing a professional career. However, after much reflection, I decided to pursue other challenges within the game.
Some of my notable achievements as a player include:

• Reaching Challenger on multiple positions.
• Participating and winning in numerous SR and 1v1 tournaments.
• Playing for various teams(Amateur and Semi-Professional).

Coaching

With over 7.000 hours of coaching experience, I fall into the category of one of the most experienced individuals in the field. My experience, passion, and ability to identify your flaws and tailor each session to your needs make me stand out as a Coach.
I've studied the techniques of renowned coaches, such as LS, MagiFelix, and others, and I've developed my unique coaching approach. So far, my approach has helped countless individuals, and over 20 teams advance their competitive play, across 5 different continents, including members of various College and University eSport Teams.
Some of my notable achievements include:

• Assisting a Diamond 2 player reach Challenger in just five weeks.
• Helping a Silver 2 player climb to Platinum in three weeks.
• Guiding a Diamond 3 player to Grandmaster in six weeks.

I am dedicated to continuously honing my skills and providing the best coaching experience possible to all of my clients, regardless of their rank or location.

Subscription Based Coaching

• One Individual Session (Monthly)
• Group Sessions (Weekly) x2
• Priority Coaching - Price: 99.99 > 49.99$.

Verifications & Certifications

• Certified IFOEC (International Federation of eSport Coaches) Educator & Coach.
• Certified EHPI (eSports Health & Performance) Professional.
• University of Irvine eSport Specialization
• Verified Coachify & Metafy Partner.

Community

In addition to my experience as a Player, I am also the Founder of Noxus Coaching - a rapidly growing, educational community on Discord. Our community is a great place to find new friends to play with, have a good time, and most importantly, improve your skills.
We hold various events on a weekly basis, including 1v1 & 5v5 tournaments, meme contests, and more. There are plenty of rewards to be won, including free coaching sessions with me. To join our community, visit https://discord.gg/RHW9BMxRd5 and message me upon joining to receive your role.

Podcast

• Podcast Appearance > https://youtu.be/4jn4FXOaOlE?si=98POLUJdJeSNnbiW

How Does it Work?

We will schedule an initial Interview during which we can discuss your goals and I can provide a more detailed explanation of my coaching services. This interview will typically last for 3-5 minutes.
The First Session is designed to assess your current level of gameplay and identify areas for improvement. After conducting an analysis, I will create a Personalized Coaching Plan tailored to your specific needs. This plan will outline a series of sessions designed to maximize your improvement.
The Coaching Plan may include various session types, such as:

• Theory sessions: These sessions will cover key concepts such as wave management, vision, decision making, and more.
• Practical sessions: These sessions will either be VOD reviews or live games, and will be used to put theoretical knowledge into practice and analyze gameplay.
• Reviews: These sessions will occur periodically and will be used as checkpoints to track your progress and identify any additional areas for improvement.

All sessions will be personalized and created specifically for each student's needs. By following this plan, you can feel confident that you are taking the most effective steps to achieve your goals.

Personalized Support (Available 24/7)

In addition to the structured coaching sessions, I offer personalized support to my clients on a 24/7 basis. Whether you have a specific question or just want to debrief after a tough game, I am always available to help. Simply message me and I will respond as quickly as possible.

AvailabilityPricesPayments

I am able to cover any server and any timezone! Rates for both Private and Team coaching are negotiable. We will easily get the sessions to fit your budget and your needs.
Payments are usually done through PayPal, however other forms of Payment such as Direct Transfer can be discussed.

Contact

Main form of contact is Discord on which you can find me at shelbion (Or Shelbion#8832)
Feel free to message me either on Discord or through a Direct Message on Reddit and I will come back to you as quickly as possible.

I’m so upset
A couple of main things (on mobile) - my (F24) boyfriend (M25) is the youngest of 9 and his dad is a Baptist pastor - we have been seeing each other for about 4 years (dating 3.5) and we have lived together for almost all of that time - we are not really religious - we plan to get married, we’re just saving and it’s not a top priority for us
My boyfriend’s brother got married to his girlfriend of a year today. He is about 28 and still lives with his parents. His new wife also lives with her parents and will be moving into the room her husband is living in at his parents. The wedding was cheap (small, morning wedding at the dads church with very little food), but I don’t understand why they were allowed to have it when they’re both still living at home this late in life. I digress
This is his brother’s second engagement in the years we’ve been together. My boyfriend’s brother called off the first wedding less than a month before the date was set last time. I understand people make mistakes, but I lived with him and his fiancé for a while, and he was definitely the problem.
The point of contention came at the wedding where I was told by the groom in front of the entire family that there would need to be a family picture without me (and only me) because we were not committed. In fact I was only in the family picture because multiple brothers and sisters called me in.
I’ve known the groom longer than his wife. I’ve lived with the groom longer than his wife. I’ve met BOTH of his fiancés and he has the audacity to not want to include me because my union hasn’t been admitted to HIS god? My word of commitment to my boyfriend isn’t enough because it’s not recorded on some piece of paper?
I guess I’m looking for his point of view to be explained, or just to vent about that fact that I’ve treated my boyfriend’s family like my own, only to be treated like yesterdays hookup. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m so hurt
Fuck this

Book Your Free Consultation Today! > Discord @ shelbion

About Me

My name is Shelbion and I've been an avid League of Legends player for over a decade. In Season 4, I reached Challenger for the first time and even considered pursuing a professional career. However, after much reflection, I decided to pursue other challenges within the game.
Some of my notable achievements as a player include:

• Reaching Challenger on multiple positions.
• Participating and winning in numerous SR and 1v1 tournaments.
• Playing for various teams(Amateur and Semi-Professional).

Coaching

With over 7.000 hours of coaching experience, I fall into the category of one of the most experienced individuals in the field. My experience, passion, and ability to identify your flaws and tailor each session to your needs make me stand out as a Coach.
I've studied the techniques of renowned coaches, such as LS, MagiFelix, and others, and I've developed my unique coaching approach. So far, my approach has helped countless individuals, and over 20 teams advance their competitive play, across 5 different continents, including members of various College and University eSport Teams.
Some of my notable achievements include:

• Assisting a Diamond 2 player reach Challenger in just five weeks.
• Helping a Silver 2 player climb to Platinum in three weeks.
• Guiding a Diamond 3 player to Grandmaster in six weeks.

I am dedicated to continuously honing my skills and providing the best coaching experience possible to all of my clients, regardless of their rank or location.

Subscription Based Coaching

• One Individual Session (Monthly)
• Group Sessions (Weekly) x2
• Priority Coaching - Price: 99.99 > 49.99$.

Verifications & Certifications

• Certified IFOEC (International Federation of eSport Coaches) Educator & Coach.
• Certified EHPI (eSports Health & Performance) Professional.
• University of Irvine eSport Specialization
• Verified Coachify & Metafy Partner.

Community

In addition to my experience as a Player, I am also the Founder of Noxus Coaching - a rapidly growing, educational community on Discord. Our community is a great place to find new friends to play with, have a good time, and most importantly, improve your skills.
We hold various events on a weekly basis, including 1v1 & 5v5 tournaments, meme contests, and more. There are plenty of rewards to be won, including free coaching sessions with me. To join our community, visit https://discord.gg/RHW9BMxRd5 and message me upon joining to receive your role.

Podcast

• Podcast Appearance > https://youtu.be/4jn4FXOaOlE?si=98POLUJdJeSNnbiW

How Does it Work?

We will schedule an initial Interview during which we can discuss your goals and I can provide a more detailed explanation of my coaching services. This interview will typically last for 3-5 minutes.
The First Session is designed to assess your current level of gameplay and identify areas for improvement. After conducting an analysis, I will create a Personalized Coaching Plan tailored to your specific needs. This plan will outline a series of sessions designed to maximize your improvement.
The Coaching Plan may include various session types, such as:

• Theory sessions: These sessions will cover key concepts such as wave management, vision, decision making, and more.
• Practical sessions: These sessions will either be VOD reviews or live games, and will be used to put theoretical knowledge into practice and analyze gameplay.
• Reviews: These sessions will occur periodically and will be used as checkpoints to track your progress and identify any additional areas for improvement.

All sessions will be personalized and created specifically for each student's needs. By following this plan, you can feel confident that you are taking the most effective steps to achieve your goals.

Personalized Support (Available 24/7)

In addition to the structured coaching sessions, I offer personalized support to my clients on a 24/7 basis. Whether you have a specific question or just want to debrief after a tough game, I am always available to help. Simply message me and I will respond as quickly as possible.

AvailabilityPricesPayments

I am able to cover any server and any timezone! Rates for both Private and Team coaching are negotiable. We will easily get the sessions to fit your budget and your needs.
Payments are usually done through PayPal, however other forms of Payment such as Direct Transfer can be discussed.

Contact

Main form of contact is Discord on which you can find me at shelbion (Or Shelbion#8832)
Feel free to message me either on Discord or through a Direct Message on Reddit and I will come back to you as quickly as possible.

Apologies in advance for any spelling errors emotions are running high as I’m writing this.
For context this happened a few days ago.
I, M 24 have been in a relationship with my boyfriend who I’ll call Red (Not his real name), M 23 for around 4 years now after we met at our mutual friends house. We had hit it off after a few drinks and I ended the night with his number and 3 months later we started chatting exclusively and 6 months later we started dating. (At this point in time we hadn’t met each other’s families and he hadn’t mentioned them during the whole 9 month period.) When we first started dating Ill admit I was head over heels and wanted him to meet my family (I have a rather large family) right away and was quite pushy about them meeting although we hadn’t been dating for 5 months at that point. But he talked me out of it saying I was “Moving too fast.” I dont know if that was a red flag or not but I don’t think it was. Anyways, around 1.5-2 years ago I learned that Red had a little brother 23 M (they are twins, Red was just born first by a little over 5 hours.) which came as a shock to me because during our entire relationship Red had never mentioned his brother and was every adamant that not only did he and his family weren’t close but that he had cut them all off. I which was a major red flag for me because for starters I had only met his brother because I had a package delivered to his house and need to pick it up. I have a key to his house but I have a habit of knocking because I OCD. So imagine my shock when the door is opened by not Red but someone who looked suspiciously like him who immediately asked me who I was. When I told him I was asking for Red (MY boyfriend) he said he wasn’t home and that he was at the store and he’ll tell him that someone came to the door to ask for him. At which I told him that I was his boyfriend and that I needed to pick up a package. He looked a little suspicious but let me in regardless and we sat in the living room and talked till red came home. I was really curious about who these mystery person was and for a while thought Red was cheating on me until his brother who I’ll call Jane (Not his real name) informed me that he was reds twin brother. I was in shock because for two years Red had told me that he had not relationship with any of his family and here’s his twin brother in his house. (I’ve been to his house before and at not pint in time did he ever have any roommates or other people living in his apartment. So it was shocking and I felt really betrayed because at that point he had already met my family.) Me and Jane made more small talk till Red came home 20 something minutes later and was shocked to see both me and Jane sitting on the couch. I was gonna stay for longer after red came home but the moment I saw his face I just couldn’t and ended up leaving shortly after. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he never told me he had a brother and later that night at like 8 pm I texted him and asked him why he never told me he had a brother nonetheless a TWIN brother and why he lied about cutting off all his family. He responded 2 hours later at 10 and asked me to call him which I did and I he told me that the reason he never told me about Jane was because although he actually didn’t cut all his family off but those he did still talk too he didn’t tell other people about too which I asked why? Only to be met with him avoiding the question and trying to steer the conversation away from his family and more to about my day which was the next red flag. We got into an argument and he walked away from the phone but didn’t hang up so I did and I ended up blocking him for 2 days before he showed up at my door apologizing up and down and swearing to never keep a secret from me again which I had believed. For the next 2 years that wasn’t the last I’d seen of Jane and I learned that Red and Jane were extremely close. (Idk if it’s a twin thing but they are just really close) But at multiple points in our relationship I thought they’ve been too close if that’s even possible. For example when we had planned an anniversary trip together and went we started discussing locations he wouldn’t agree to certain places because “Jane wouldn’t be comfortable with him going there.” Or “Jane wouldn’t like that.” When I asked why it mattered what jane liked because it’s not like he was going, he said something along the lines of. “Just let it go.” Or would just ignore me till I started talking about a different place which threw off my flow for the rest of the planning. Or when he pushed back out trip for almost a month because he didn’t want to leave Jane alone. (Jane is autistic and possibly physically disabled which I swear is important but he’s not low functioning and even lives in his own with a job.) When I brought this up Red glared at me without saying anything but let it go after a while. This is only one example of their relationship coming between things we had planned but there are plenty more examples of them being physically close as well. (Cuddling togethe sitting extremely close to each other, Jane following Red around to the point something’s they walk in sync, feeding one another,hugging for extended periods of time, playing with each other’s hands/hair ext.) I swear if they didn’t look so similar you’d think they were the ones dating. I won’t lie I’ve found myself being jealous/ disgusted at the way they treat each other but I had pushed it aside because I convinced myself that Red was just looking out for Jane. (Before you question that like I said while Jane isn’t behind mentally or anything you can see he struggles with a lot things like standing for long periods of time and often goes non verbal or only makes illegible noise that Red understands.) So I truly pushed my thoughts aside because I didn’t want to be seen as an overprotective or anything and it’s not like I have anything against Jane or anything but sometimes it’s just really fucking weird. But recently I’ve reached my limit when I went to Reds apartment and when I opened the door I saw janes phone on the counter. Which is really at weird because at the end of the day theyre family and that’s not weird but what was weird was that Jane nor Red were anywhere to be found. I had walked around the apartment for a while till I got Reds bedroom and saw both of them laying in bed together (They weren’t naked or anything but they were like laying ontop on one another, like cuddling skin to skin whilst clothed from what I could see.) When I walked in a saw them next to each other all the memories of the way they had acted with eachother rushed into my head and I just assumed the worst and started screaming and cursing which got Reds attention and he immediately sat up and started screaming back at me asking me what I was scream about and we started a screaming match and I told him off about his weird behaviour with Jane and how brothers don’t act that way with each other until they are getting with eachother and he froze and just started at me and before he could say anything else I left his apartment and drove back home. (If jane had said anything I didn’t hear it over the screaming but idk) I don’t know who the tell this to or what to do because I’m well aware that siblings don’t act that way and that something has to be going on but I don’t know how to talk to Red about it and I don’t think I should bring this up to anyone close friends because of bias so I’m asking Reddit. What do I do???

Okay so i assume everyone in the JJK fandom is like "IT'S NOT GOJOVER !!!!" after the chapter 260 and we see Sukuna being locked in by his boy Gojo. Cause he is back.
But what if... Yes and no ? What if Gege made Gojo "come back" but not in the way that we think. What if he is going to give us the biggest BitterSweet moment of the manga :
Yuji unlocking his "Domain Expansion" and it's about others, not himself.
Read me : so if i'm being correct : Yuji never got his own CT but he got the "body" that acquire the technique of other peoples if they got his souls in him (swap, eating CR, etc)
So Yuji got techniques, but not really is "own born with CT" if i'm correct.
And Yuji was always a "Selfish Selfless" that care so much about others, and not himself, he is that selfish. In opposition to his Gay Uncle, Sukuna, who is "Selfish Selfish", he only care about himself and his immediate pleasure.
But "Domain Expansion" is all about "Forcing" your Innate Domain on the world and your own CT, so how come Yujo get a Domain if he is to selfless for others and doesn't have is own CT.
Unless... That's the thing ; Yuji main core nature is that he is so much selfless for others, he is selfish enought for a Domain Expansion.
Remember, Yuji's wish is about dying surrended by others and giving a meaningful death to others. It's about himself but always about others. That's is "Selfishness" nature that give the illusion of "Boring Selfless" that annoy is opponents (Mahihoe and SukuGyat)
So here my theory : Yuji's Domain Expansion is all about him, giving the Domain Expansion 's boost to others people/allies in his domain. Perhaps even bringing back his fallen allies who recently died, so they can get their revenge and finally rest/get a meaningful death/stay with Yuji until the end)
So Gojo might be indeed "back" but either he is alive and in bad shape (Brain surgery/Binding wow theories) or dead as a real "Revenge Ghose/Curse" but in all case, half the shadow of his prime, but Yuji's Domain Expansion will help him get his finishing boost for Sukuna and finally "Nah I'd win"
Also Gojo's dream was to help his students grows so they would surpass him. And right now, his students are doing it.
And Yuji is Black Flashing so MUCH he might be able to equal Gojo and do a Domain Expansion with ONE hand ; remember one of his hand is in Sukuna's body and the other is out. Perhaps he was planning this to reach Megumi's soul with his domain.
He always meant to do his gamble and use his domain, but Gojo happens to be here, somehow.
And remember you need to touch Gojo to not get hit with "Infinity" And i don't think he wanna lobotomize another student.
So yeah, he Gojo is back, but not in the way you think ;
He come back and kill Sukuna, he win.
He come back as a ghost or binding wow, and kill Sukuna, he win.
He come back and witness his students, surpassing him and other stuffs, he win.
He come back thanks to a Apex Domain Expansion from his student, surpassing him in every details, he win.
He doesn't matter who kill Sukuna in the end. As long Sukuna die, by Gojo or his allies.
"Nah, I'd win" was always true. Thanks to Yuji.
VOILA !!! I hope i wrote it well, even tho it's 6 AM in France. And i hope it's accurate enough.
Feel free to comments on it, just pls don't be too cursed or rude pls. Thank you :D

Hey all, I’ve a question about what services to seek for this but I wanted to ask before accidentally scheduling an appointment of some kind in case others had experience.
I (30) still have that greenish skin color appearance across my upper lip and I get fairly dysphoric about it, but the thing is between 5 years of HRT (which have achieved nice results) and maybe like 12 laser sessions (which in fairness I’m aware are impermanent, and I had them a few years ago), I don’t actually grow upper lip hair anymore. So to say that I haven’t needed to shave anything from my upper lip in a very long time, and there doesn’t seem to be new hair growth.
So I’m curious then what’s with the greenish tint? Melasma? Dead follicles? Mana reserves?
It isn’t always visible, it shows more if I’m hot or sweating, and I think it’s more visible in sunlight as well but if I’m cold or in more of a warm, inside lighting it just looks like skin color, which is what I’d like at all times.
I just switched insurances and moved out of state so I’m looking for a new HCP, and I’m just wondering if this might be more of a derm thing or maybe more of an endo thing, to get a jump on it. Any thoughts or advice would be nice, TIA!

Subconsciously, I nearly always fear the worst possible scenario.
For example,
• If I’m going on a carnival ride that involves heights, I get the fear of the ride breaking and falling (this was fueled by waiting in line for the “Mach 3” ride at Calgary stampede, while it broke down and people were stuck for 30 mins hanging in the hair)
• If I’m going camping, I feel the need to carry a gun for my safety. When I was a kid, I went camping with a big group of friends and family. In the middle of the night the kids wanted to go adventuring, so we adventured into pitch black darkness for a couple hours, while wolves howled. I knew there were bears, cougars etc.
• I don’t partake in any risky activities ever. I’ve never drank/Smoked weed and drove. I refuse to get into a car with a drunk person. Everyone does this like it’s nothing. I always think the worse scenario might go wrong.
• I stay away from hard drugs completely, however I’ll drink or smoke weed rarely.
• I’m a good driver, I’ll never drive erratically or speed above 10-15 km over the limit if there’s traffic and I always just sort of chill, keep my distances, and drive safely.
• I don’t sleep around often, mainly out of fear of catching an incurable std
• If I’m cooking or making food, food safety is very important for me. I won’t touch my mom’s food if meats have been left out all night.
• Growing up my friends would steal and when we were kids they’d dare each other to smack girls asses. I would never partake due to risks and possible consequences.
• I hate being in a car with someone speeding and driving erratically. Basically I don’t like living life on the edge physically.
• I’m not a goodie two shoe but I prefer doing things the right way only.
• I’m always googling random stuff that come to mind, I’m always very curious about things and enjoy learning.
• I have terrible social anxiety, always over thinking and trying to be better at socializing in social situations, and less awkward.
• If I’m buying a product or a service I always look up the very best. I make sure to check many sources to make sure everything is accurate.
I can go on lol are these ocd symptoms, am I slightly autistic or is this just my personality lol

I was diagnosed with ADHD last year and medication + therapy have been a game changer. However, it still affects my life in so many ways - specifically work & home.
We're going on 4 years of marriage and I feel like my husband has had a very difficult time accepting our differences especially pertaining to my ADHD. He is very efficient, a planner, 5 steps ahead at all times, a leader, and prides himself on his consistency with everything he does. We are polar opposites.. I do things as I please, I prioritize peace, joy, rest, doing what fulfills me...I take my time with most things. I have really bad time management. If I set out to do 4 tasks I usually only get 1-1.5 things done.
No kids, we both work full time and are both pursuing our Masters. I'm a semester away from my Masters in mental health counseling. For me, I'm working on understating what ADHD looks like for me and how I can manage it and still be successful and do well. He has gotten so frustrated with my inconsistency that it seems to be causing distance between us and it's so hurtful. I'm not sure what to do or what I can work on, more than I already have.
He says he just needs to get to a place of acceptance and I'm concerned bc we plan to start a family later this year. But I don't see how we could be ready for that, when we have this tension between us that is so prominent. I often feel rejected and alone and it's just not what I envisioned for my marriage. I'm sure this isn't what he envisioned either. We want to work on things but not sure what to do when so much of what frustrates him are things I can't help. I just want to be loved fully for me. Anyone been through this or have any advice?

Hey guys. I (29F) am attempting to be my best at assisting my partner (27F) work through some situations that I already personally feel would be better addressed with a therapist. We are both growing into the womenthat we are, learning about ourselves and trying to navigate the world with the toolbox that we have.
I often find myself at the receiving end of hour(s) long vent sessions about experiences she's having at work were she feels she's not well received by her coworkers. Since being together, we have worked at different jobs (COVID def changed things up in the work world) yet, I always note that this is her biggest issue with every job.
I tend to be analytical - so naturally I found a pattern. I'm thinking "4 different jobs and people don't 'like' you at every one. There's a common denominator". I try to bring up the fact that she can only control what she puts out there. That the ball is in her court. Trying to encourage her while highlighting the variables that are in place (she's in QA at this job so her position means she's someone in the background pointing out flaws). I try to explain perception to her and how that can be a factor. People may perceive her as this faceless element to management and they may dislike her for it. She obviously takes the way people don't include her or speak with her personally but I am doing my best to highlight that the dislike could be towards anyone at her position. It's just the unfortunate part of the invisible hierarchy. At the same time, I am letting her know how her greatest feature is her choice in being authentic and herself. Reminding her that this can sometimes come at a cost as many folks play the social game to get ahead. She has a fork in the road. One is at a cost to her freedom while the other is at a cost to her reputation. That's life.
When she goes through these lengthy conversations, they are often filled with unneeded details which can get dizzying or she will quite frankly lose focus. I will redirect her as many times I don't know what it is she is looking for. But I will asking open ended questions to allow her to find the finish line. Today, that didn't happen as she was trapt in an emotional cycle. I eventually asked her what it is she wants out of this situation.
Admittedly, she talks the majority of the time. The only time I can say anything is by sliding in between a breath. Today, I felt as if I was being spoken at for almost 2hrs of the same exhausting conversation. I feel she should see a therapist to work through her confidence as I am clearly not reaching her with my tactics.
We got in a small argument because she stated I wasn't offering a hug or coming off sympathetic. But damn....we have been together for 5 years and every job experience is the same. I can't hold her every single time as I can get tapped out. Especially when I clearly wish for her to challenge herself to see what the issue may b ewithin her. I can't always give her what she wants. Sometimes, she needs her to know that she's in control.
It's hard to reach her when she's feeling defensive which happens often. She isn't exactly open to advice which she has noticed within herself but says she's 'working on it'. But Ive also been expressing lately that I am not always open to being talked at and vented to. She doesn't exactly have the awareness to know that being vented to...about the same thing for years, can be tiring. I also highlighted that I'm not a therapist and I may approach things untrained but damn it I'm doing my best.
I feel as if I am failing her sometimes. But at the same time, I have to stand up for myself. I expressed that when she tells me her troubles, the way I process it is by taking on her pain - as if I am her. So in turn, I am carrying her boulder. Before I could finish my sentence, she was set off and said it was a rude thing to say. I found myself scrambling trying to explain what I meant. I experience others by putting myself in their shoes. It's how I understand. So I navigate the way I would based off my experiences.
In these moments, I am back peddling often. Mainly because she dominantes the conversation. Her lack of self awareness frustrates me as it's clear she only wants a listening ear but not open to learning from a situation.
I guess I am looking for someone to coach me on how to be better at being supportive. I'm not doing it and I don't want to hurt her. I also do not feel sorry for being so serious when I am tapped out. I'm not a therapist. I never was! How do I even navigate?
We have great compatibility. But communication gets tough when one person isn't receptive. I goto therapy and she doesn't. I feel like I'm on the receiving end of her communication issues and I'm getting frustrated..
Thank you for reading all this. Any help?

so for context, my ex boyfriend & i (20f) moved into an apartment together. it eventually turned into a dv situation, it took me a while after it started to open up to anyone who i didnt work with (my coworkers saw me everyday and ultimately put 2 & 2 together, i had a rough time at work during this time but thats another story). one night my ex and i got into it pretty bad & the next day i told my cousin, my best friend at the time, about it (shes 19f, she lives out of state at her college). i had plans to tell my parents the following day, but first i needed to tell someone else close to me. she then said if i didnt tell my parents immediately she would, i begged her not to go to my parents. i 100% understand this from a safety perspective, but i wasnt ready at that time to tell them & i was safe. i was more or less starting to open up to my friends so i could get advice to tell my parents. i eventually had to call my parents and they found out. fast forward i start to notice she doesnt respond to my messages, or put in effort to hang out with me when i am in town to see her. i tell my parents and my dad spoke to her mom (his sister), she said that my situation caused her to miss her exams, and overall distress because she was “worried about me”. she was angry i wasnt fully honest with her about the situation (after she forced me into telling my parents, i lost a lot of trust for her, as i felt like this was my situation to deal with this and obviously is a sensitive subject). she essentially said she didnt want to talk to me in worry the situation would come up & she didnt have the mental ability to handle it until school let out. i told my parents that i didnt really want to be friends with her anymore because if she had to push me off for months then i dont feel like thats fair (i had kept all her secrets confided, never went to her parents despite the fact that she admitted some things to me that were closely on the same level as what she told me, but not DV situations). the few of my other friends i told didnt tell my parents, bc they understood that is not an easy subject to talk about. none the less on the phone at 11 at night, when i wouldve told them face to face. however i know i was in a bad spot and i understand maybe i was harsh. AITH?

Okay, here's a few things.. I haven't been doing well in any of my courses since starting the BCOM program in 2020.. reasons being: online learning was hard for me and I did online during COVID, I've lost family members due to sickness..they passed away.. just things that have been out of my control and having to cope with loss..
Just this month, a psychologist was able to let me know of two diagnosis' related to how I learn: ADHD (Inattentive type) and also having phonological dyslexia. Took this long to find out.
I've passed some courses but failed other courses. I attend classes now in person, thankfully but I'm not sure why I'm not feeling successful or welcome at MacEwan. I'm an ADR student so I do have access to learning resources as of January of this year. But I'm debating whether to leave MacEwan and the BCOM program here.. I don't find other students to be friendly, group work stresses me out (some courses have group work in it), I've been made fun of by another student for being different.. I want to like it at MacEwan but feeling pretty down lately. I've spoken to several school of business advisors but they don't seem helpful. One said recently "do whatever you want".. I go there to express that I need help planning this degree but I'm met with uncaring advisors.. I've seen 3 different advisors there.. Yet it's the same and I leave frustrated..
In a way, I miss NorQuest because the students are more social and less aloof.. (not returning to NorQuest for anything though)
Has anyone ever transferred to NAIT from MacEwan? How did it go? I want to major in Human Resources as many friends, family and coworkers have said it's very suitable for my personality and can see me working in that field.. thanks in advance..

My partner and I have a truly wonderful relationship. She’s one of a kind and I do have this deep feeling and knowledge that we are a perfect fit for each other.
We of course have standard relationship issues. I struggle with communication a lot. I am simply horrible at communicating. It’s been a problem for the entirety of our relationship of two years. Aside from that, I love her and I love us. I struggle a lot with letting myself be happy in our relationship. We’re both very loving, supportive, closely bonded, all the good things that would signify being happy. I just have this undying expectation of how I should feel more and more in love with her everyday. How I should have this warm feeling inside, I should look her at feel this burst of love every time, I should just feel love and happiness and I think my expectations get in the way of just existing with her.
I really love her so much, there’s not a thing I wouldn’t do for her. I know if I didn’t have rocd, we’d honestly probably be engaged and I wouldn’t have such a fear of marriage and commitment. She’s my best friend and the best person I could’ve asked for. I just don’t know how I can let go of this constant wondering why I don’t feel this way, questioning my lack of ‘feels’. I will continue to stick this out with her because I can’t imagine not being with her and giving up on something so precious, something I’ve always wanted, something that can fulfill me but I just won’t let it.
I notice I feel really great when I’m occupying myself with cooking, fitness, gardening, anything I enjoy. But as soon as I get lazy in my hobbies, is when I start to notice an advance in intrusive thoughts and stressing. Some days I just really don’t want to do anything, I lose focus and motivation. I lose an interest in many things and that’s when ocd gets me.
We’re only 21 and I know I have a lot to figure out. I feel that I need to find happiness within myself to feel all the good things with her. Does anyone else feel like their expectations of what a relationship ‘should’ be, let affect their reality too much? How do I let go of my unrealistic expectations and just go with the flow and accept what I have is amazing? It’s a lack of abundance I think and I would love nothing more than to have that abundance. I don’t want more, I just want to be with happy with her.
Together for 2 years. She some times tells me that she wishes I had experienced a relationship before her to know what is normal, something to compare to and I don’t disagree there. For all my life, I have experienced limerence and never an actual love. What we have is a true love, I know that. But I just can’t let go of this feeling of being in love and smitten. We see each other everyday as we do live together, realistically I know I can’t feel completely in love everyday but there’s always the nagging thought that I should! I just need contentment.
This is really just a rant because I was doing good for several weeks but the past week kinda hit me and is leaving me a bit agitated. I remember right before experiencing this year long ROCD episode and living in it everyday, I was at such a good place. I was genuinely feeling my love for her grow more and more. I couldn’t haven’t been happier. It wasn’t until we decided to get an apartment and we were coming up on our one year where this all hit one random day. Writing it down and seeing it for what it is, makes total sense. And I know the thoughts don’t go away, it’s the anxiety and the reaction to them that needs work but why is it so relentless. Thinking about how this is something I have to deal with for the rest of my life is scary. I’m currently in therapy but I do engage in compulsions all the time. I’m not sure where this rant is going but I needed to write it out.
I love the damn girl and I will marry her one day, just gotta get over this shit and grow up really

I was diagnosed with ADHD last year and medication + therapy have been a game changer. However, it still affects my life in so many ways - specifically work & home.
We're going on 4 years of marriage and I feel like my husband has had a very difficult time accepting our differences especially pertaining to my ADHD. He is very efficient, a planner, 5 steps ahead at all times, a leader, and prides himself on his consistency with everything he does. We are polar opposites.. I do things as I please, I prioritize peace, joy, rest, doing what fulfills me...I take my time with most things. I have really bad time management. If I set out to do 4 tasks I usually only get 1-1.5 things done.
No kids, we both work full time and are both pursuing our Masters. I'm a semester away from my Masters in mental health counseling. For me, I'm working on understating what ADHD looks like for me and how I can manage it and still be successful and do well. He has gotten so frustrated with my inconsistency that it seems to be causing distance between us and it's so hurtful. I'm not sure what to do or what I can work on, more than I already have.
He says he just needs to get to a place of acceptance and I'm concerned bc we plan to start a family later this year. But I don't see how we could be ready for that, when we have this tension between us that is so prominent. I often feel rejected and alone and it's just not what I envisioned for my marriage. I'm sure this isn't what he envisioned either. We want to work on things but not sure what to do when so much of what frustrates him are things I can't help. I just want to be loved fully for me. Anyone been through this or have any advice?

I have a lot of saved tracks. In prior versions of the app if I selected all of the tracks I have and chose to display them on the map, the app would crash. Restart the app and it crashed; over and over. I would get stuck in endless crashing. If I was really fast I could select just one track for display before it crashed and get out of the crashing loop.
So, my workaround was to put tracks into folder by State (I’m in the US), and, for my home State into geographic regions. Then, I would select only a folder and display all the tracks in a folder. No crashing as long as I kept folders smallish. The largest folder right now is 138 tracks. I can’t figure out the number of tracks in total but it’s probably 4-500.
The new version (ios) 4.7.5.5 removed the ability to select a folder and display all the tracks in it in one action. Apparently this feature has been retained in the Android version, though.
I used (depended upon) this feature quite regularly. I’m quite disappointed.
This is the use case that OsmAnd has broken:
I save tracks for use in editing OpenStreetMap. I want them all available so when I’m traveling to a location I can see where I’ve been already and take new paths (for me) that I will use for new edits to OpenStreetMap.
A day or two before I go to a place that I’ve been before I will make a plan… where will I park, what new trails will I try… I have to NOW scroll thru potentially 138 tracks and visually choose which ones are in the area of interest, do a long press on each one and choose ‘Show on map’ from the popup menu and hope I don’t miss any. Laborious and super frustrating. To whom do I complain ??
Bring the ios ‘select’ function back for ‘Show on map’! Why take it away?
Of course the new ability in 4.7.5.5 to show tracks in my vicinity is interesting but useless to me when I’m planning my trip… I’m not there yet. I need to show all the tracks in the vicinity of where I’ll be tomorrow, not where I am right now.
Can anyone think of an alternative way to handle my use case?
I am very afraid to just show on the map all of the tracks in this new version… each time i get into the crashing situation I struggle trying to get things settled again and think it’s time to abandon the app altogether.
Edited to add: iPhone 14 pro, ios 17.5

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I wish there was a feature that adds the most active moderator as the Top Mod of a sub for a year, and then again in cycles

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Hello, this is an account I use for my personal interests, but on main account, I moderate a sub that's relatively large and I feel so done with how things are done there.
The top mod is basically part of a lot of other subs, and even though the sub I'm in is just as huge and growing, they hardly come by. Even if they do, they just approve posts and leave once a month or in two months.
Most of the moderators are inactive. The number of active mods including me is just, maybe, two? Like two. That's a crazy number when you have like 10+ mods on the sub.
Even the other two active mods just barely come by to not end up as inactive on the sub.
I alone do the work. It's tiring. It's frustrating. One might say then "add more mods or quit and start a new subreddit or remove existing inactive mods" like it's easier said than done.
I'm not allowed to add more mods. I don't think so because I'm new kinda (for 2 years) and I still feel like I don't really belong on the team because there's barely any communication. They only talk to me when they need to get their things done.
And I don't want to start a new subreddit because I like this sub I'm moderating very much. It's closely aligned with my personal interest and it's the only sub relating to it with huge activity so getting more members in a newer subreddit is not easy and I'm not up for it.
Also removing existing inactive mods is also a no no because the older mods, and the Top Mod all know each other and talk to each other. This gives me no "right" to remove them apparently. I can already imagine the troubles I'll go through if I ever do that.
Honestly I'm done. I do all the work. Replying to modmail, helping people out, approving posts, removing rule breakers and banning them when necessary. It feels so shit when I ban someone who broke the rules but then one of the "inactive mods" happen to spawn at that particular time and just unban them.
It makes me feel useless. Like, I thought I was doing something but even that is being taken away.
It's tiring. Like actually tiring because I'm the only active mod. I want to take more people in to help me but that's also not possible. It sucks how I'm doing the same thing alone for 2 years now. Alone might sound exaggerated, but if you exclude the part where some mods drop by to approve stuff once in a while, then it's basically just me and the sub. All by ourself.
I don't need a trophy for doing this. This is what mods usually do. I signed up for this but it's damn frustrating to see no one else do anything and the top mod barely cares since they are already moderating other subs. If that so, why not pass it to someone who is willing to do it instead?
They even recently added a new mod who is basically on every major subreddit I've ever seen. That person barely, and I mean, barely comes by. Of course they don't. They're moderating 30+ subs with a huge audience. The top mod brought them in and I still don't understand why? Like, you could have brought someone else who is more useful in, but you ended up choosing this person? Who is already busy as it is?
It's like they're doing the Pokémon thing and collecting big subs. I'm sorry but I genuinely feel that's all what they're doing.
This is mostly a rant post but I'm genuinely hoping there is a feature that does this. Making the most active moderator on THE SUB (not Reddit as a whole since a few of the mods does the same for other top subs) and this should be a cycle that lasts a whole year. Then again, the most active mod of the year becomes the top mod for another year. This may sound like a silly plan but it's better than nothing.
This is how I find peace with myself that this situation is never going to end until I leave that sub. But I really really love it there. It's so fun.
It's just sad how it's not going the way I wish it went in moderation.

Ok, so to start, I (13, transmasc) have had a shitty journey so far with this gender shit. Idk how to explain it. For most of my life, up until a few months before the summer of 2023, I was a girl. But right before that summer, I realized that I didn’t ever feel like a female. In those same few months, I started dressing more masc, and some of the people around me noticed this change. I also successfully came out to my friends, and they all supported me! I was so happy, but the next step was coming out to my family. I knew my aunt wouldn’t care about this gender change, since she didn’t stress over things like that, but what I was truly afraid of was revealing this to my mother and grandmother. All three of them have always loved me and supported me no matter what, but if my mom or grandma found out, they would probably be pissed. First, we will start with my grandma. She has always been a bit homophobic. Of course, if you ask her opinion about LGBTQ, she will just say she has no input. But if you’ve known her for a while, you would realize that she isn’t very fond of queer and trans folks. I mean, she's not radically homophobic/transphobic, but it’s not like she's very supportive of them either. If I ever revealed to her that I was no longer a girl, she would be furious. A few months ago, I asked my mom for a binder. I made up the excuse that it was for when I cosplay male characters. I could tell my mom was a bit suspicious, but all she said was that she would look into it (aka, she plans to research to see if binders are safe). She also warned me that binders can cause serious damage. My mother wasn't too triggered by this, but when she told my grandma, she got so goddamn mad. She immediately started raising her voice a bit, saying “NO NO NO! You're not allowed to get one! Binders are dangerous and you're a girl! You will always be a girl!” I hadn’t even mentioned anything about gender to her, but she immediately assumed I wanted it for that exact reason (I mean, I do… but they don’t know that yet!). Either way, if she did find out, there's nothing she could do about it. The real problem is my mom. Unlike my grandma, my mom is a bit supportive of the LGBTQ. Even though she's fine with those people, however, if I told her the truth about how I feel, she’d be infuriated. My mom has this thing about how she thinks social media brainwashes children and teens into thinking they are gay/trans, and she refers to all of my queer friends as “confused”. I don’t think she understands that even though some people do it for attention, other people literally just hate themselves for being born in the body they were born in, not everyone does it just to do it. I bet that if I ever came out to her officially, I would have my phone taken away (and all my other electronics), I would be grounded for God knows how long, and I would be reprimanded severely. I just don’t know how I would tell them…what if they don’t view me the same afterward? What if they think it's just all for attention? What if they force me to be feminine after they find out? What if they don’t take me seriously?! Idk atp…some advice would be helpful I guess…….. (And I know I don’t need to come out immediately, I know I could wait, but if I don’t come out soon I’m actually gonna go insane 😭😭)

I posted in this sub a few times last year when I was really going through it. Brain fog, anxiety, fatigue, vision issues, debilitating headaches and hyper sensitivity (“mini” concussions from small bumps of the head). I had 4-5 concussions over the course of 3 years, with 3 of those occurring within 2 months of each other. Outside of some lingering neck issues, I’ve made a full recovery and want to share what worked for me.
Please don’t let this long list stress you out though. There were days when getting out of bed in the morning felt like an accomplishment. Every recovery is different and only you can know what your body and brain are feeling.
Commitment After my most recent injury I decided that getting better was the most important thing in my life and I completely dedicated myself to my recovery. That’s why this list is as long as it is — I decided I was going to try everything.
Research Learning about concussions is a great place to start! It really helped me plan my course of action and think rationally about recovery. This sub is a great source of knowledge. Complete concussion management on YouTube has some great intro videos too.
Exercise I think that exercise was the #1 most important factor in my recovery. I started by going on short daily walks and doing light yoga in my house and eventually built up to 2x cardio 3x weightlifting 2x yoga every week. I got in the habit of exercising early in the day and felt like it really helped with my mental energy throughout the day.
Diet I tried to eat an anti inflammatory diet but it was hard (I really love to eat lol). I couldn’t go completely keto but I cut out carbs where I could and made an effort to cook all of my own meals with a lot of protein and vegetables. Avocado and olive oils give you omega 9s which are important for omega 3 absorption. I also didn’t really drink at all.
Supplements I don’t know exactly what worked and what didn’t but you should definitely be taking omega 3 (and probably creatine). My stack: - 4000 mg Nordic Naturals omega 3. Can cut down to normal dose after a couple months - 5 mg creatine monohydrate - 2000 mg magnesium l-theronate - 1g ImmPower AHCC (mushroom-based immune supplement) - 125 mcg vitamin d3 - Multivitamin - Dietary fiber + probiotic (gut health is important)
CBD Only way I could get to sleep for a couple months. Great for headaches. It’s also a nice substitute for alcohol when going out with friends.
Concussion clinic + Neurofeedback I went to a concussion clinic in NC shortly after my last concussion. Most of my problems were cognitive so my doctor recommended a neurofeedback program. I was super skeptical at first but it definitely improved my screen tolerance and I felt like it helped with teaching my brain how to switch off.
Neurologist + Nortryptoline Neurologists are really only good for one thing: prescribing meds. There’s a good chance you don’t need to take an SNRI but I had nerve damage at the site of impact that, whenever touched, would cause me a lot of pain and trigger hours of concussion symptoms. I think that my meds (prescribed for nerve pain) helped get some of this hypersensitivity under control.
Meditation There are people on this sub who can speak to this better than me but after a concussion your autonomic nervous system can be in an “always on” mode where you’re constantly in a state of fight or flight. Meditation while concussed is very challenging and won’t immediately zen you out but it will help you notice just how overactive your brain is and help you train yourself to redirect your attention when your mind runs wild.
Physical therapy + dry needling If you have any neck pain at all, go to PT. Seriously! It might be causing most if not all of your headaches. A few months of stretching and strengthening exercises helped resolve most of my headaches. Also, if dry needling is legal in your state, seek it out for really intense neck tightness. My PT offered needling and it was a godsend on my worst days.
Brain challenges I’m a computer programmer so getting back into work was challenging enough but I also made an effort to try to learn a new language and do some daily puzzles to help foster some new neural connections.
Try to relax when I bump my head Idk I still freak out when I bonk. I probably have had 30-40 “flare ups” over the past 2 years. No one on the internet seems to have a great answer for why this happens. I think it’s probably some sort of learned response from the brain in response to a stressor. I recently took the approach of doing everything in my power to chill out when I bump my head on something (including taking cbd immediately after). Not sure if this helped or I just needed time but I hit my head on a cabinet pretty hard last week and experienced no symptoms! That’s honestly what encouraged me to write this post.
I hope some of this will be helpful to someone. Feel free to comment or hit my dm’s if you want any more detail on anything.

Disclaimer: I don't know if I even have OCD yet I am not diagnosed but my therapist suggested it and honestly a lot of it fits, but it's more subtle and I'v'e never read about a case of OCD that sounds like mine...then again... never mind...maybe this whole post is reassurance seeking? ANYWAY I'M OFF TOPIC... the point is just to get advice about a mantra or opposite thought. I'm confused what the healthy alternative would be in my case? I think my core fear is a fear of not knowing myself (I guess when I think about it not knowing myself perfectly makes me feel unsafe, like others can hurt me badly then because they can define me or point out flaws I didn't know I had and the idea of being exposed like that makes my heart race even just thinking about it)
But I feel like this is kind of a reasonable fear? It's actually very likely I don't know myself and others will point out flaws and other things about myself I don't know? I don't know if this is even OCD but if it is, like my therapist is suggesting, what should I do or say (instead of compulsively ruminating on, and asking reddit about how they see me, and researching personality and psychology stuff)????
To reiterate, what would be the mantra or the thing I'm supposed to believe if my "obsession" is "what if I'm not seeing myself objectively?" Because a big part of me does sort of believe I need to know as much as I can about my flaws and figure out my blind spots in order to protect myself from being blindsided or just humiliating myself later (not to mention growing and being better but it's honestly more about emotional safety).
Advice???

IMHO, regardless of what it is, learning is painful. That's how we learn things and grow.
Complex family relationships. Losing someone we love. Making mistakes. All painful. However, we learn lessons from these experiences and become better people. I personally believe that there is no learning without a certain amount of pain.
I teach a mathematical discipline, but I believe this is true for other areas as well. Learning how to write well is painful. Connecting the dots in history is painful. Understanding the complex nature of society is painful.
Some people say learning is fun, and I agree to some extent. But I'd like to make a subtle distinction. Realizing that I have learned something new is joyful. Joy comes only after learning, and the process to reach that point is still painful, at least for most people. The excitement that comes after learning feels like something I cannot pass by, so I decided to stay studying new things. Everyone doesn't have to stay that way, but everyone has to learn something.
Many students, up to college age, dislike or hate taking math courses. Math is strange. It is a very narrow chain of knowledge, so if one link is broken, the entire chain becomes easily unusable. Students spend more than a decade learning math, and if they miss one link at any point, it can mess up the entire chain. I understand why this can be frustrating. But at some point, we need to admit that becoming more capable in math requires patience and practice, rather than relying on "math is fun" iPad games. Same for writing, history, physics, biology, or anything.
I hope I am wrong, but it seems that people who are willing to learn new things despite the painstaking work it takes are slowly becoming a minority in society. Maybe it has always been a minority, but it is now more pronounced and noticeable in the age of instant gratification.
I believe that there may be many like-minded people on this subreddit, so I'd like to know how you feel and what you think.

Hello, this is an account I use for my personal interests, but on main account, I moderate a sub that's relatively large and I feel so done with how things are done there.
The top mod is basically part of a lot of other subs, and even though the sub I'm in is just as huge and growing, they hardly come by. Even if they do, they just approve posts and leave once a month or in two months.
Most of the moderators are inactive. The number of active mods including me is just, maybe, two? Like two. That's a crazy number when you have like 10+ mods on the sub.
Even the other two active mods just barely come by to not end up as inactive on the sub.
I alone do the work. It's tiring. It's frustrating. One might say then "add more mods or quit and start a new subreddit or remove existing inactive mods" like it's easier said than done.
I'm not allowed to add more mods. I don't think so because I'm new kinda (for 2 years) and I still feel like I don't really belong on the team because there's barely any communication. They only talk to me when they need to get their things done.
And I don't want to start a new subreddit because I like this sub I'm moderating very much. It's closely aligned with my personal interest and it's the only sub relating to it with huge activity so getting more members in a newer subreddit is not easy and I'm not up for it.
Also removing existing inactive mods is also a no no because the older mods, and the Top Mod all know each other and talk to each other. This gives me no "right" to remove them apparently. I can already imagine the troubles I'll go through if I ever do that.
Honestly I'm done. I do all the work. Replying to modmail, helping people out, approving posts, removing rule breakers and banning them when necessary. It feels so bad when I ban someone who broke the rules but then one of the "inactive mods" happen to spawn at that particular time and just unban them.
It makes me feel useless. Like, I thought I was doing something but even that is being taken away.
It's tiring. Like actually tiring because I'm the only active mod. I want to take more people in to help me but that's also not possible. It sucks how I'm doing the same thing alone for 2 years now. Alone might sound exaggerated, but if you exclude the part where some mods drop by to approve stuff once in a while, then it's basically just me and the sub. All by ourself.
I don't need a trophy for doing this. This is what mods usually do. I signed up for this but it's damn frustrating to see no one else do anything and the top mod barely cares since they are already moderating other subs. If that so, why not pass it to someone who is willing to do it instead?
They even recently added a new mod who is basically on every major subreddit I've ever seen. That person barely, and I mean, barely comes by. Of course they don't. They're moderating 30+ subs with a huge audience. The top mod brought them in and I still don't understand why? Like, you could have brought someone else who is more useful in, but you ended up choosing this person? Who is already busy as it is?
It's like they're doing the Pokémon thing and collecting big subs. I'm sorry but I genuinely feel that's all what they're doing.
This is mostly a rant post but I'm genuinely hoping there is a feature that does this. Making the most active moderator on THE SUB (not Reddit as a whole since a few of the mods does the same for other top subs) and this should be a cycle that lasts a whole year. Then again, the most active mod of the year becomes the top mod for another year. This may sound like a silly plan but it's better than nothing.
This is how I find peace with myself that this situation is never going to end until I leave that sub. But I really really love it there. It's so fun.
It's just sad how it's not going the way I wish it went in moderation.

I’m one of the good people, I say to myself – ah, but on the borderline, says my contrarian voice, wagging a finger at some abstract wall of my mind, on which likely hangs a mirror, making the futility of the gesture complete. At the silent Buddhist retreat, I fight the urge to sexualize every single person in the room, one by one, all day long, instead of meditate, and I resist that – but I do indeed sexualize a bit, not graphically so, just the willingness of the mind to wander, which is such a strange thing to do under any circumstance, like your mind is a restless dog that paces from room to room or like the shadows on the floor decide to leap up, make love on the ceiling. The light seems to flicker now and then when the silent retreat folks and I lean into it. I picture high school meditation teams taking on other high school meditation teams, tournaments even.
I don’t want to make too much of this, but there’s an obvious contrarian dimension to the ethos of silent retreats – this is my take – in that they seem so serious from the outside, but once you get into it, you notice the essential feeling is erotic, as least on an interpersonal level. See, when you commit to staying silent all day – as you sit together, as you pass each other in the hall, as you hold doors open for each other – you are hearing the body, and you are listening to your own. The body is the star of the show at a silent retreat, as least among those new to it, meeting as strangers, and when bodies are principally speaking to bodies, if you aren’t actively forcing each other to grow crops or dig minerals out of the ground – if what you are all doing is sitting on big pillows and comfy chairs – then eroticism is in the air. Pleasure is adjacent to inner peace.
The petal in the rose oil is that some of us are living through two-fold consciousness and thus, in various stages of suffering and duress, and so the eroticism must be steered toward empathy and not, for instance, condemnation, which is like what bad bosses get off on. The silent retreat is very anti-bad boss, punctuated by the sort of crises that distinguish mature human concerns from all the rest, and many people in the room are grieving. A father dies. A mother dies. Some part of our lives comes apart – you open the door to see, and the room once there is missing – open air, blue sky, some scrap of a curtain where a window used to be. When the time comes to dedicate the retreat to others outside of the circle, a third of the room says Gaza. Faith and the encampment protestors, I add. Anti-bad boss – may a benevolent spirit make the world right.
Over lunch, I sit in the grass, eat seasoned tofu and pasta, then lay back and let the sunshine throw cosmic fragments through my body, which distinguishes between the impermeable and the permeable by heating up my skin. The rest, which is most of it, goes right through me and then right through the planet, on its way to the end of the universe probably. What I remember, though, is the heat – my body listening to the sun like its singing high notes, especially across my clavicle and along the bridge of my nose. A clavier is the keyboard of a musical instrument, and adversaries swap prisoners every time I sneeze. Does that make sense? The sun is investing my body with a belief in levitation, like its growing the way a dandelion does, and soon I’ll float away. Maybe gravity is going to seed – carried inside lighter-than-air clouds of indeterminacy.
The clouds – my gosh, the clouds – cumulonimbus sweethearts with passion blooming in their breasts. When someone says clouds look like curds of cauliflower, they mean that the same sort of influence that makes cauliflower look that way is likewise producing these formations on the cloud deck. Or maybe they look like mashed potatoes, scoops of lemon sorbet, but none of this really captures the manifestation of such things in the sky. When the edges of the clouds catch the sun, I have to squint to look at them, and the potential for transmogrification seems present – like the clouds become beach sand, the sky the absence of our discontent. The clouds become flashbulbs, and fame-seekers down below keep waiting for it to rain. The clouds are utterly still, like a personal insight that causes the body to stop, the mind to freeze – hours that way. Years.
Later, sitting on a set of steps miles away from the silent retreat, I see the clouds from a different angle, as different seeds float past. Someday the former will pour forth upon the land, and then the latter will pour forth into the air – one tiny seed producing a plant that grows taller than me, like tossing a brick down a well and watching a whole city erupt from it. Above and behind me, beneath the eaves of the auditorium, the sudden and familiar sound of baby birds cheeping for a meal, and I picture a parent pouring everything their child will ever need into their wide open beaks, one after another. The cheeping is continuous, like a rolling metal wheel, so my attention turns to a photographer snapping pics of a recent graduate in white heels, tasteful skirt and red lipstick. A clicking sound comes from a shutter opening and closing, camera set on burst mode.

I’m a plumber. My new boss is a young Israeli kid. Maybe 23 years old. His daddy gave him a company to run. I don’t think he’s ever had a job in his life. He’s cool tho. We smoke together and all the plumbers do. Super chill family vibes type of company. BUT, he’s got crazy money and still does this annoying thing where he will owe us money (on Saturdays we work off the books and he just sends us cash, to keep his payroll taxes low I’m sure. Yea yea it’s dumb but I don’t plan on retiring here, but maybe another year or so before I fly solo) and just keep delaying it for longer and longer. He always claims he is going to pay in a couple hours… and at this point with me he will now stretch it to like one week.
So I told him I gotta interview elsewhere come Monday, unless I get my money in a couple hours today. Money that’s been owed for a week, that I’ve reminded him 3x already to pay me. He wants to play it off that he’s just a busy pot head guy and it’s not personal but I call bullshit. I make him 1000’s of dollars a day and he can’t knock off my 280$ immediately after owing it to me?
I feel well within my right to tell him what I did today and he did pay me immediately after the text stating I was leaving unless I was paid. My wife thinks I made things not chill but I disagree. Also I’m a plumber and good at my trade. From what I hear I can go wherever I want and everywhere I look they are hiring so wtf. I’m not going to put up with this kids bs. He can grow up on his own time. Now he knows Ill leave if he doesn’t pay me… isn’t that a great thing?