Hi yall! So I matched w a guy recently on hinge about 4-5 days ago, and after a day we moved onto Instagram dms. For reference, we're both 19, and I personally have never been liked back (as far as I'm aware) or in a relationship. Also have not had my first kiss or anything like that.. I rarely ever match w ppl and if I do, I rarely ever talk to them more than a day or two. Boys my age kind of suck lol, as l'm sure many have noticed. However, this one seemed relatively interesting and we were able to get a good convo going more than a couple of times.
I am a really terrible texter who struggles to reply in a timely manner, yet for 2-3 nights in a row, I found myself texting him for like an hour or more at a time up until 2-3am. I NEVER do that, even w my own friends lol. So I took that as a very good sign and it seemed that he did as well, literallt saying he was excited to meet me, if this was how well we got along over text.
I should preface that I'm not a huge flirter and it seems like he isn't either (?) but he definitely flirted more than I did. He said like a corny pick up line as a joke once, then on hinge was like "you're my type in a way that makes me regret that I met you on hinge LOL" like silly things like that.
He told me he looked thru my instagram and was perplexed by how awesome I was. I liked it cause he was never overtly like "you're so beautiful" or whatever it was always some like corny sheepish little message abt how he thought I was cool or "looked great" lol.
Anyways, things seemed to be going well and I was getting excited up until like 2 days ago. We had a flow of texting each other around 10 pm to catch up on our days together and when I texted him he became strangely dry. This continued into the next day, and then a full day passed where he did not text me- I did not text him either because the prior day, I initiated the convo and that was when he was dry for a second time, worse than the first. However, at some point amidst this dry spell, we made official plans to meet this coming Saturday, a week from today. So that also threw me off— why be dry with me but then also go through with making plans?
After 24 hrs of no texting he texts me at like 3am “shit sorry l've been really busy how was ur day" and so today we've continued talking. It's not dry anymore, I think, but definitely not as fast and excitable as our first few convos.
What also is making me hesitate is that as we were texting, I was mentioning how I was a grade above him and he sent a message along the lines of "I like em older " very obviously as a goofy joke, but then deleted it right away. I still saw it though and I'm unsure as to whether he deleted it because he thought it was stupid and inappropriate, or if he did not want to lead me on romantically any further.
The thing abt not liking flirting is that l often end up in these situations where now I can't tell if he's still romantically interested or not. Because he wasn't a huge flirter before but there was obvious interest in our convos, so now that this took a bit of a turn, I can't help but wonder if he's lost interest or something. I should mention that today he told me he had a really stressful day yesterday (the 24 hrs of no texting day) and he had a panic attack. So he very well could've been not texting because of that. But I don't know.. I really can't tell if this is just in my head or if the signs are glaringly obvious. I was really excited about this; as I said, I rarely like guys and never have I been liked back.
So to see the potential of a spark here, I could not help but find myself getting really excited and thinking about him, which I tend to avoid doing as to not set myself up for disappointment. But after that 2 day period of dryness, I can't help but put my walls up again and feel the disappointment lingering in the back of my head...
I will also admit, I do have deep rooted insecurities, especially about my appearance. I was quite the ugly duckling up until midway through highschool, hence my lack of relationships or attention from guys thus far. I think I have a great personality and a lot of other good traits, but I live in a city where I just know boys, especially my age, value appearance over all else. And this guy is pretty darn cute! My friends thought he was okay but I think he's a touch out of my league lol. I also suspect that I may have found what his ex looks like and she is far prettier than me; but it sounds like she messed him up a whole lot.. mentioning all this incase it has to do with me potentially overthinking.
Let me know what yall think. Sorry for the huge ass essay lol, I just wanted to make sure I had as many details up as possible.

dude...i just got rejected...by this girl thats like...the girl of my dreams. For a recap, when i started 9th grade (school year 2022-2023), we were seatmates. We usually didint talk but one time, during a hard leason in maths which was like quadratic equations and stuff. I was struggling hard. I legit was just staring at the activity sheet. After a while she noticed and helped me which brought the start of our friendship. We always talked through chat, sometimes irl, but its mostly through chat. The first few weeks of talking, she usually sent me videos of herself doing math problems that i can watch if i need help. It continued untilthe math lessons didint get hard the following quarters. Summer vacation came, and i thought it would be great. Guess what...IT WASNT. I hate my family, my dad isn't with us, so it was only me(oldest), my mom, my lil brother, and my sister. Me and my siblings are all 3 years apart from age. I dont know why its always me getting scolded back then for the things my siblings do. It was so bad...i wanted to commit suicide. Like, my mental state was not OKAY. I didint know who to cry to, who to talk to. But then, thats when i thought, why not talk to her? So i ranted and ranted and ranted, i wanted to kill myself. I wanna rnd my life. Things were rough and on the outside, i might look tough or emotion less, but in reality. Im just a sensitive loser thats emotional, easily cries, and sucks at everything. I told her i wanted to kill myself. She kept stopping me. And take note, we rarely talk irl because...im too shy yo approach her. Then she said the most out of the blue thing "If you can't find a reason to live, why not make me your reason to live?" IT HIT HARD. I didint know what to say or reply. I just dropped my phone and continued crying in my room. A few days passed, i talked to her again, but i guess that was the wrong day because she was NOT in the mood. Her parents were about to go divorce because of a problem(i cant rlly say). She told me stuff like she already cried abt it and stuff. We were both there for each other. after that talk with her...summer vacation went, just a little smoother. We always get to play games on roblox, because we cant rlly meet up. We always chat from morning till night. It was perfect. Then, 10th grade came(school year 2023-2024). This time, we weren't seatmates. Since we both go to a special school which has a robotics class, and our T.L.E(Technology and Livelihood Education) was specialized on animation. Like, the whole thing was about 2D and 3D animation. Beinh the perfect most smartest person she is (atleast in my eyes) she was assigned the role of 3D animation for her group. After that...we never got to play most of the time...during our mid year break, she was still busy...a few months pass and on the 4th quarter(final quarter) of the school year. THEY ANNOUNCED THAT OUR BATCH WAS HAVING A PROM. So naturally, i was so excited. I immediately invited her and asked if she wanted to go with me. She said she's gonna think about it so I waited. I asked her about 3 weeks before prom. Then when our batch representative announced in the groupchat that since theres more girls that boys in our batch, they made a poll on who wants to volunteer to go individual to prom. SHE IMMEDIATELY WENT SOLO AND VOTED. It kinda hurt...she said she was gonna think about it and well...she went solo. I asked her why she did that and then she said "I wanna go with my other friends", which was okay with me since i have no rights to make her my partner because...well...we weren't a thing yet, and i still havent confessed. After that...a few more weeks pass, and take not of this specific detail: She asked me what my discord was because she said she forgot what my discord name was because she lost count and alot of her discord friends changed names. THEN I REMEMBERED, my discord bio was basically, me telling that i like her and hoping she doesnt find out and stuff. So i immediately change it then send her the screenshot of my discord.
After 1 week, prom night came. I went in a cool looking suit and stuff when it was time for the red carpet... she eas absolutely stunning. Her eyes sparkled, her pink dress was beautiful. In my eyes, shes the one that stood out the most. She went solo for the red carpet...and i did too..i told my self if i wasnt gonna get partnered with her, then im not gonna get partnered with anyone. Our tabled were far apart but i could still see her from the distance. When it was time for the slow dance part of prom. I went outside because well...i wasnt gonna dance with anyone. When i went outside i saw her with her friends. I just passed by and sat near the bench outside of the venue. I didint know what to do but just admire her beauty from afar. She was perfect. As time passed, only a few more minutes were left before prom night ended so i worked up my courage and went to her. I was about to confess but then when i looked at her, my mind went completely blank. Her eyes weren't the ocean, but i still drown...get lost in them. I was panicking on the inside but on the outside, I was just staring at her. Then the moment of silence was broken when she suddenly said "I already know you liked me"...i smiled...then she said "gotta go" as she want back into the venue because her friends were calling her she looked back for a second then shouted "I knew from your discord bio" AND I WAS SHOCKED. Because...after the discord incident...she never distanced herself from me. We kept talking, and one time, she even asked me "Be honest, Do i text badly? Do you feel ignored?" Which was like...dude...bro i love her. I just sat on the bench the whole night thinking about what i should do. After prom, when i got home i immediately texted her and said "sorry for earlier...my mind went black ahahahaha" she said "its okay" then i said "so...uhh...do you like me back...?" She said "sorry i dont feel the same..i wanna keep things platonic" SO THAT SHOOK MY TO MY CORE...it hurt alot. But still, we kept talking, she still didint distance her self.
This is my confession btw: If you ever get this message, it may be because when i confessed to you, I had a lot more to say(i didint confess😭). You made me feel the most special person in the world, for once i felt i wanted and i guess you're the reason for that. I know you might not like me back, and i know I'm probably not even close to your standards, but i just wanted to tell you how i feel about you. Do you know the saying: "you cant love others without loving yourself first." I never believed in that because I never loved myself, but you...I love YOU so much that i forgot what hating myself felt like. You're the reason i catch myself smiling out of nowhere in the middle of the day. You are the sunshine in my thoughts, and the unexpected joy that fills my heart. Every time I think of you, everything seems just a little brighter and a little lighter. You make waking up the best part of the day, seeing you at school always makes me the happiest person on earth...and i really just like you...i hope this won't ruin our friendship, and that things won't get awkward between us.
A few more weeks passed by and it was our moving up. I didint get to go because i was sick. Before that she was showing me a necklace that she found on Instagram then...well...i thought to myself why not buy it. Atleast i can give jer something for moving up. I bought it for her..then thats when fever struck me. I didint get to go to moving up so i just told her about the necklace. Then she said "Oh i wanted to give you something too, a Friendship bracelet." Since we both didint get to see each other for moving up, i just told her..."lets give our gifts for each other next school year" and she said "sureee". After that well..A FEW MORE WEEKS PASSED BY. And i was thinking to myself. I wanna pursue her. I loved her. And like...i dont know how to say it. So i made this whole ass paragraph again.
WHAT I SAID: I've been thinking abt this for a while now...and i really wanna try pursuing you. I know you're still prioritizing ur studies and time with ur fam but, i do wanna try pursuing you, i know that you never felt the same and stuff but like...yk..i guess that's the point? who knows you might fall or maybe feel the same too? I'M NOT FORCING U OR ANYTHING. Just... you're one of the people who made me feel this tingly feeling like, when someone mentions your name or your chat head pops up on my screen..i just get this feeling, it only has ever happened when its about you...i cant really express through words what or how i feel about you...but im POSITIVE..i can show them through my actions. i wanna give you the best hugs you deserve(im rlly into hugs). I wanna get to know you even more, i want to get to share unforgettable experiences with you. You're the first person that just I REALLY WANNA PURSUE AND BE WITH. You are the most perfect person in my eyes...i know perfect people don't exist but your imperfections, your flaws, everything about you...it just makes me go bananas. So...how about...we try it...? Like...trying to learn how to love me too...? ARGH I DONT KNOW MY HANDS R SHAKING AS IM TYPING THIS...i just wanna....be with you...i wanna stay with you and...i dont know what to say anymore...but maybe...just maybe even if its the slightest chance, maybe you'd fall for me too like how i fell for you? I know I'm putting our friendship at risk of awkwardness and stuff and maybe even the end of it...but I'm willing to take those risks for you. I know I'll just get hurt but...can you really experience love if you don't feel pain too?
IM NOT PRESSURING U OR ANYTHING DWWWWW!! dam I yap alot😭 just answer with a yes or no. And i know what to do next. Anyways, iloveuu🫶🏻(?)
I sent it to her after a few hours of procrastinating. She replied a few hours later and this is what she replied.
HER REPLY: Idk, like I said I don't really care, but I don't wanna, and u shouldn't get ur hopes up, liek I said last time, I really don't want to get into a relationship at all, I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings but you did say that you aren't forcing but I don't want to "try" or anything like that, I see you as a friend and only a friend. I appreciate that you think of me that way but I won't be returning those feelings back to you in any point of my life.
IT HURTS. It hit me hard. Its like getting shot straight to the heart. Her reply was the last time we talked to each other(3 days ago). We still havent talked after that. Im legit gonna cry...the first person i actually had feelings for...damn.

Hi! 32F, biopsy results came back a few days ago. I had a mammogram two weeks ago, and pretty much knew it was cancer as soon as I saw BIRADS 5 on it. Had a biopsy of 3cm mass in the middle of my right best, as well as a lymph node, which also came back positive.
Here’s what I learned from the biopsy results: tumor grade 2-3, EPR +, HER2 -.
Had an MRI today, which is causing me to freak out. Results came back that I have a second mass, much smaller, about 0.5cm, and “concern for abnormal” on level 2 and level 3 auxiliary lymph nodes. The larger mass is also invading the pectoralis major muscle.
All of this sounds like it has the potential to be very bad, and I am freaking out. My surgeon is meeting with the tumor board next week, and then I have an appointment set up with him for the next day, where I’m assuming I’ll be told some type of treatment plan?
It feels like with every test it gets worse. How did you deal with the anxiety in this waiting period, and how did you feel when you had a treatment plan? I’m expecting to hear that I will need a combination of treatments, not just surgery, and that scares me.
I’ve been lurking on this sub since I was told to get a mammogram a few weeks ago, and everybody’s stories have been so uplifting and the support I see here is incredible.
I know I will find it in me to fight and do whatever I need to do, but I could really use some encouragement right now.

Cinema Pro is no more and none of its features are getting ported into new app Video Pro mode, so this is a perfect opportunity to release this (almost) definite guide as to when and how to record video footage in Cinema Pro. All of us are pretty much aware of most its shortcomings this app has but we are not going to complain or talk about them here, instead we are going to celebrate EOL of Cinema Pro.
I could bet my pet that about 90% of Xperia users ain’t touching Cinema Pro because they feel uncomfortable using it, that includes mobile camera enthusiasts. Instead, they go to BASIC Video or Video Pro and I don’t blame them as learning curve in Cinema Pro is pretty steep but on the other hand this camera app has very flexible workflow and results can be stunning if you practice enough.
So, first things first, none of the video camera apps will make your videos gorgeous by itself. Filming a video, much like a taking a photo, is all about framing your shot. Keep in mind that Cinema Pro is meant for static shots and short pans due to lack of auto ISO adjustments. If your shot is poorly framed not even a Burano can save your butt. Frame your shot properly before you even touch record button. But before you even do that here are few things you should read first to get yourself familiar with Cinema Pro.

Here is what Cinema Pro offers and can do that other Xperia camera apps can’t.
CLIP METADATA
This probably was not your first thought I was gonna bring up, right? Unlike Video Pro which does not save any advanced metadata in video clips Cinema Pro does and it does it quite good.
When you go to Cinema Library and play any clip inside your project (not final video) you can tap on ellipsis at upper right corner and choose Details. Brown window will pop up with following metadata such as ~resolution~ and ~FPS~ but besides that we also get ~Look~ we picked, ~Lens~, ~Stabilization~, ~WB~, ~ISO~, ~Shutter~ speed, ~Focus~ and ~Audio~ level. If we import the clip in desktop software we also get ~bit depth~, ~color space~, ~EOTF~, ~format~, etc.
Why is this important? If you are really making a video project there is a great chance that you imported those clips on your desktop OS and that you are editing or retouching them inside some desktop software. Desktop software has power of utilizing metadata for your convenience when manipulating and exporting the video, matching shots, doing color correction or just doing offline editing.
This will make your life a lot easier. As you will see in my sample footage below, I’ve actually automated the burn-in with the Cinema Pro clip metadata (Looks, WB, Shutter, etc.) to make each clip display the metadata on-screen without me having to punch it in manually.
METERING
If you don’t have Metering bar enabled in your UI you are doing it wrong. Go to yellow hamburger menu to the right and tap Customize DISP and make sure you have Metering Manual set to ON.
Again, what is this important? Because of two things. Cinema Pro dims the display all the time when it’s running for some reason (presumably to better show HLG result on screen) so if you have Xperia 1, 1II, 1III, PRO-I you will be struggling to see anything while being outdoors. Situation is not any better on 1IV and 1V but it’s more usable. Do not trust your display when it comes to exposure. Instead trust your Metering bar and always shoot around 0 if possible, you will thank me for this once you view your clip on a HDR UHD TV. If it’s too bright outside you can try lowering the shutter speed to level the exposure just make sure do not have fast moving subjects in frame such as cars because it will look choppy.
Second, we’ve already established that Cinema Pro is meant for static shots or gentle panning but if you have to do something “wild” such as POV or going from one lighting condition to other (and sometimes that means just a simple camera tilt from ground up to the sky) you will need Metering to try to find the middle value. Do a test run without recording first and pay attention at the meter to see how many stops is the spread between one frame to another. Lets say you adjusted ISO/Shutter for the 0 at the beginning of your camera movement and once your done with the move metering is showing +2. In that case you will need to set your beginning value at -1 in order to get to +1 in the end to contain both highlights and shadows. Just keep in mind that most of the time your aggressive tilts will be ranging from 0 to well above or under -/+2 and in that case, you will have to rethink what you want to do. That’s right Cinema Pro is a slow burn and unnecessary methodical because it applies cine camera philosophy to crappy mobile sensors.
WDR with Stabilization
Here is another one that is not available inside BASIC or Video Pro unless you have 5V or 1VI device. WDR or Wide Dynamic Range option is made for Cinema Pro period. Cinema Pro was pretty much useless until WDR options popped up in PRO-I. So, what does it do? It records three frames at once and then stack them together to make one frame. Camera is recording at 120fps and then outputs 30/25/24 fps as final result hence why it’s not available at 60fps in any app. Using WDR in Cinema Pro you contain the highlights which is impossible to do in SDR mode unless you are in some dimmed environment.
General rule is to always have the WDR on but if you can do it without do it. There is no false color option in Cinema Pro but if you toggle between WDR and SDR you will see blown out highlights in SDR as some mushy color on display. It’s quite easy to spot the difference. Unlike in Video Pro in Cinema Pro WDR does not introduce purple cast in dark/black areas when shooting in low(er)-light conditions. Cinema Pro has a bigger threshold when shooting in low-light before introduces purple cast in blacks compared to Video Pro as long as you do not shoot in N/A Look (you shouldn’t be shooting in N/A like ever but more on that later). Video Pro utilizes WDR quite poorly, in daylight scenes it drops the gain making dark areas even darker which boosts the contrast to a point where you get that Pixel zombie decomposition like human faces. Cinema Pro does NOT do that, instead it only affects the highlights mostly.
Drawback of WDR in both Cinema Pro and Video Pro requires separate paragraph because it’s a big issue. Whenever you have high frequency texture in your shot such as tiny rubble road (asphalt) or stone mosaic wall you will get texture floating effect like texture is rearranging itself. It’s super trippy. That issue persists because development team didn’t master the frame stacking while filming. Those three frames that get to be one do not alight properly with the next stacked frame when it comes to big areas with tiny patterns.
But one good thing that also requires its own paragraph is video stabilization with HLG WDR option turned on. As previously mentioned, that combo is not possible in Video Pro or BASIC modes but it is in Cinema Pro. How? Well Cinema Pro crops top and bottom of 16:9 footage to 21:9 so it has some wiggle room to give as some basic stabilization. Stabilization is nothing spectacular but it doesn’t crop in the image in order to enable stabilization like Video Pro does. In other words, it doesn’t take Video Pro stabilized cropped in frame to enable stabilization. It shoots native UHD which is really important to preserve the quality unlike both Video Pro and BASIC that crop in UHD frame to turn on stabilization and then upscale the frame back to UHD. Cinema Pro does not do that.
Video sample: WATCH 4K wobbly texture issue in WDR, pay attention to black carpet
NIGHTSHOOTING
Cinema Pro does really good night shots due to its flexibility to adjust Looks and auto white balance which I think is superior to Video Pro/BASIC. Funny things is that all of the exposure environment shortcomings during the daytime are not such a big deal during the night time because streets are evenly lit by light poles. So you have more freedom to pan, tilt and walk around while filming in Cinema Pro at night time then during the day. Here is a winning combo to make the night shot as good as possible: ~SDR + VENICE CS + AUTO WB unlocked~. Pretty straight forward. I find VENICE CS greatest strength to be default Look for nighttime as it’s easy on ISO, doesn’t boost contrast and has the least noise compared to some other looks. That doesn’t mean you can’t play around with the Looks during the night, if street lighting is annoyingly yellow you can use Cool/Blue60 +A to introduce some cool gray into the mix. And with the mention of other color profiles this brings us to the most important and the biggest feature of Cinema Pro, the Looks section.
LOOKS + TEMPERATURE + A/B + G/M Adjustments
This alone is the biggest deal in Cinema Pro app and this alone is what most of the users have no idea how to tweak and manipulate. If you thought rack focus is the number one feature in Cinema Pro, well I can assure you it’s number two right after this super flexible image manipulation output. Before we start discussing looks you have to keep in mind there is one factor in equation here and that’s Whitebalance. Most of the users stick with VENICE CS and don’t use any other look because by default all the looks are in your face when left in Auto whitebalance mode. Even less users who default to VENICE CS fiddle with whitebalance to unlock the full potential of image looks manipulation. Before you start playing with the looks you have to go to yellow hamburger menu and ~change WB MODE to TEMPERATURE~ instead of Preset.
With Temperature mode turned on you now have the option to set desired temperature in kelvins as well as to play with A/B and G/M sliders. What those sliders do? AB slider stands for Amber and Blue but names are inverted on axis so B will be to the left and A to the right. You can actually go quite wild with AB as our eyes are a lot less sensitive to warm and cold adjustments. GM slider stands for Green and Magenta and axis works just as the letters, green to the left and magenta to the right. GB sliders requires quite slight nudges in both directions because our eyes perceive color tilt very aggressively. You might want to use GB slider to adjust for human skin or just go artistic on a certain look.
You might ask yourself what the difference between setting up temperature and pushing AB sliders and I could tell you the order it needs to be done to make a proper impact on the picked Look.
1. You always adjust Temperature first. Between 4700K and 5500K is considered daylight in Cinema Pro (forget 6500K as you will crush it with amber). That’s at least how my eyes perceive it. If you pick lets say Strong/Blue100 look you will want to go to 7000K to neutralize it and then add some of A to make it shift from cold to warm look. Oh yeah it’s possible, so suddenly you just changed the bluest of the blue looks into yellow look.
2. Now you fiddle with AB/GM sliders for finer adjustments. AB will have more of an impact if you stick between 4700K-5500K but if you go below or over those Kelvins AB slider will get weaker. GM slider on the other hand will stay powerful and affect any highlight there is in an image.
3. Combine these two to completely alter any Look you pick.
*In order to follow the Looks description and how you could manipulate them, I will provide the links with video samples down below so you could watch them while reading the rest of the post.
WATCH 4K separate clips in order as described
WATCH 4K all the clips combined into one movie file following the order of description
(all files are in Rec2020 + eotf gamma 2.4 for better color representation but stripped of HDR)
Shot setup consists of warm neutral headphones, white coffee cup, glass of water to see highlights behavior and ugly yellow table and green trees. It's a shame I forgot to put red pack of cigarettes or something as reds are crazy different depending on the look you choose.
Soft/Yellow40 gain req: high contrast: lowest texture: softest grade: non-unifying offset: medium hdr: bright
This is the very interesting one and when combined with the right scene it can look marvelous. Soft look is your Orange & Teal go to look pretty much. It’s not very obvious but it’s not subtle either. One of the major traits of this look is really the softer image, not as sharp as let’s say Bright but because of that it mitigates artifacts quite nicely. Keep in mind that this look requires quite a gain so you will be boosting ISO until you reach the 0 in almost every situation. But because this looks require lots of additional stops it’s very grateful for bright environments. It has medium contrast but it can propel highlights quite high, things like neon signs look like glowing neon signs so it has a strong HDR effect which can clip easy. It doesn’t have unifying image trait, so if you are into color graded look this one will not offer that. That’s kind of a given considering it’s balancing out between orange and teal. If you want to unify it then your best bet is to shift it toward cool temperature or push A slider all the way to the left while introducing some magenta with M slider to the right. Soft/Yellow60 can’t completely switch from all blue to all yellow so it’s altering offset limit is medium.
Auto WB look for Soft/Yellow40 is quite decent but if you have some yellow patches, they will pick up some green tint. To remedy that just add some M like 1.x and add splash of Amber like 1.5 to 3 to be sure. If you want to cool down the image just drop Kelvins down or go crazy with B slider. On the other hand if you want to neutralize to get as close to white as possible you will need to add M1.5 or more together with cooler Kelvins. If you are shooting neutrals with this Look make sure you kill green cause it will overtake the whole image.
Where this Look kicks some major but is in a scene where you have brown wood veneer and blue/teal walls or panels. You will get an awesome O&T look out of it.

Opaque/Blue20/Yellow60 gain req: medium contrast: medium texture: sharp grade: unifying offset: medium hdr: medium
Another one that gets overlooked due to poor AUTO WB looks. When set to default WB it looks muddy and sepia like so most of us don’t know what to do with it. You will be shocked now if I tell you this should be your 2^nd go to Look right after Bright. Yup, VENICE CS is not even in top two and I will elaborate why when we get to it. One thing to know in order to use this look you need to modify it from the get go. You need to kill that yellow and boost ISO for a stop or stop and half compared to Bright.
Opaque is great for skintones as they are easily adjusted with AB/GM sliders. Image is very creamy despite having enough clarity and medium contrast. If you underexpose you get some deeper contrast without ruining the creamy image. It’s great for shooting outdoor people gatherings, landscapes on a mute and cloudy day or any outdoor activity. Indoor is kind of tricky due to tungsten lighting but manageable although its not as appetizing as outdoor shots. Keep in mind when shooting at golden hour you will need deeper adjustments to get that sepia out and get the gold in. On any other condition it’s super easy to neutralize the image, you don’t have to push temperature nor sliders too far to get it just right. HDR effect is subtle and not over the top, proper medium and saturation is quite clever despite being a sepia preset. Colors are not muted by any means unless they have some brown in them. If you are a fan of grading I could assure you Opaque has quite unifying image effect no matter if you shoot warm, neutral or cold which is great. Transforming the look to complete cold or warm is tricky as it always keep that mud/sepia yellow in highlights.
To neutralize the look at daytime all you have to do is drop the temp around 4000K or push B slider to your liking. You can always do cold temperature to kill sepia and bring back some heat by pushing A slider. If you want to shoot gold tones then keep it around 5000K and adjust A to your liking while balancing GM.
This look produces super deep and rich reds, amazing reds. And if you combine that red with something beige or sand color like you will get a match made in heaven. Filming bars with brown furnishing packed with people is a treat as well. Shooting at night time in street lights is also a treat for this look.

Cool/Blue60 gain req: med to hi contrast: medium texture: sharp grade: very unifying offset: low hdr: medium
In a nutshell this is a faux bleach bypass or silver look if adjusted right. Together with Soft this has to be the most creative usage look offered. Unlike Soft this one is very easy to setup and results are sharp. At the first glance users might be confused what’s the difference between this one and Strong/BU100 as both look quite similar in Auto WB mode. But once you go out of auto look and start adjusting it soon you figure out that Cool/BU60 look has no vibrance and that’s what makes all the difference compared to all other looks. Gain adjustment to get to 0 is only like 1 stop compared to Bright or VENICE CS. Clarity is right on the par with others and contrast at proper sweet spot. HDR effect is tad bit mute but not by much and it works. And now if you ever wanted a look that makes the whole image like its graded as a whole, look no further (pun intended) than this one.
If you pay close attention, you can tell from the get go that this has silver look to it but it just needs to be released. Those familiar with bleach bypass look will know exactly what to expect from this one. If left in Auto WB you will get nothing but as soon as you dial A slider in more than a half you are waking it up slowly. If you want to get rid of the major blue cast you want to push temperature to 7000K and adjust sliders to your liking. If you drop the exposure, you will get that dramatic film look. Again, this look is quite easy to work with but it’s not flexible, don’t expect major transformations on the other end. It’s a one trick pony and it does that very well.
The best-case scenario for Cool is street photography with lots of metal on it. Cars, machines and silver or gray stuff blend in while human skin remain distinguishable. Interior shots are also great if you have to render a cold, clinical environment like office or a hospital or police station. It’s also your go to look if you want to make anticipation in the video.

Strong/Blue100 gain req: high contrast: low texture: soft grade: very unifying offset: highest hdr: bright
Turn day into a night and night into dusk. This is the most flexible look as it can get from one spectrum to the other without much casting. It’s not called strong for nothing; it really grades the whole image with a single hue. Despite being in your face it actually keeps the contrast on lower side which is very good as you can always dial it in with drop of exposure. Clipping in highlights can occur because of the nature it unifies the picture.
Because this look can go from cool to fire it can get neutral, although neutralizing it is not that simple affair as it’s with Opaque. Best way to get there is to adjust temperature. If hanging around neutral you will get image with blue cast over it. The way I see it this one is supposed to be opposite of Opaque while hitting harder. You might find some creative usage for this one if you want to go abstract and saturated. Similar to Soft look if you film contrast scene that has both cold and warm hues in it you will get that cross axis between the two and nothing in between.

Bright/Blue20/Yellow60 gain req: low contrast: highest texture: sharpest grade: non-unifying offset: low hdr: brightest
Your first go to profile when filming with Cinema Pro. It’s the closest one to Video Pro and closest one that looks like regular picture profile. If you are not looking for a creative look or any look in general this is it. It requires little to no gain adjustment which means it will not suffer from gain artifacts, it has the highest contrast and sharpest details for that mainstream image look (I do not count N/A as picture profile). But right now, there is a huge flaw that has to be addressed with this profile; it can’t capture pure reds no matter what. All reds are burgundy or violet unfortunately. But it nails down blues and teals like a pro.
On the other side it is super easy to balance out the image, its super easy to shift it to warm, cold, green or magenta. There is a quite big of a spread in temperature before image gets painted blue or yellow. It requires small nudges and results are visible right away. It plays well with the skin tones, no issues there. Where it excels is the HDR highlights. This profile kills it when there is shimmer in the view, metallics and all kinds of crazy and contrast stuff. HDR effect is exaggerated and it looks so oomph on a TV. Bright also nails down auto wb from the box so you can set it to auto and forget about it. Overall, it’s easiest to work with and sunny outdoors are a treat for the eyes. Usage of this profile equals that of Video Pro so you can use it anywhere you like. Video Pro is the direct competitor to this Look and while Video Pro can do saturated reds Bright/BU20/YE60 has a tad bit more organic feel despite being quite similar.
This is general purpose Look and being like that it doesn’t offer color grading effect nor it has any offset abilities of color transformation (unless you go completely blue 3200K or completely yellow 7500K).

VENICE CS gain req: low contrast: high texture: sharp grade: non-unifying offset: low hdr: bright
Default look and the one that’s most talked about and the one that most people use. First of all the look itself is fine but it is rather limited. It has nothing to do with Venice color science but it doesn’t have to honestly. It emulates log like image but without any flexibility of the log. It has very low ISO requirements and it’s the brightest look out of them all. Like mentioned above that makes it a go to look for low light shots. All other aspects of this look are almost on par with Bright look so I think these two go hand in hand when you want to lay off saturation and dial down blacks. In other words, don’t try to bring in VENICE CS footage into post to try to bring back vividness. It doesn’t work but that’s why there is Bright look for stuff like that. Unlike Bright look VENICE CS can capture red colors properly.
If you want to shoot haze, mist and other soft scenes VENICE CS is a dream. If you generally want to shoot relaxing stuff VENICE CS is the one to go for. Just don’t treat it as a log footage but rather as a looks footage. HDR is bright enough and it contains highlights really good. When it comes to exposure its quite flexible so margin of error is low.

Warm/Yellow80 gain req: medium contrast: high texture: sharp grade: most-unifying offset: lowest hdr: medium
This is supposed to be opposite of Cool, at least in theory. In reality we have a huge cast of orange and brown all over the screen. It’s really strong color cast and you can only manipulate it do a certain degree. It doesn’t require high ISO, it has deep contrast, good clarity and it contains highlights in HDR. On the artistic department there is vey little you can do with this. Cast is like three times stronger sepia of Opaque look. The only use case I found is when you want to turn something into golden look. Just like how Cool is silver look Warm is supposed to be gold look. But again, to my eyes it aligns more to Opaque deeper side than actual warm/gold. Shooting some neutral-colored scenery and cooling down the temperature below 4000K might give some artistic effect. This is a very limited look to play with.
There is nothing to say about N/A and Soft Monochrome except that you should never shoot in N/A it’s just horrible and if you want BW video you at least have an option.

So conclusion, Cinema Pro besides all of its shortcomings and some are pretty serious, has few features of brilliance that were never ever seen in any camera app third-party or OEM before and most likely we will never see those features again. Sony’s biggest sin with Cinema Pro is not omission of features but rather NOT improving up on what’s already in there. They just let it rot. I guess at one moment at it’s inception Cinema Pro had a great roadmap where it should go but then new management came in and shifted focus from cinema video to photography and v-logging.
Cinema Pro is dead, long live Cinema Pro. Go ahead and make some projects with it.

25, Male. The following shitshow happened over the course of two years. Trigger warning: lots of swearing
Preface: I've been fine all my life. Instagram-Model-fine. Always fit, healthy, excelling everywhere. After my first covid shot, I felt terrible, like I had the flu. I nearly fainted. Doctors said it happens sometimes. Luckily it went away after a week or so.
So it was normal, right? I went on to get my follow-up shot. After that, I suddenly got a weird paraesthesia/sensatiob in the right half of my body. From my face to my limbs. Doctors said it was probably just from laying in my bed weird and I must have pinched a nerve.
So a year later I still felt... Off. But no fainting or so. Just felt more tired than usual on some days. I was told it was just stress so I got my 3rd shot.
Oh boy. I felt like absolute dogshit for a week again and the right half of my body was feeling weird. Enter doctor: "get a new mattress, you are tired and feeling weird sensations because you don't have restful sleep and probably pinched a nerve in your sleep." He actually gave me some of this electric massage stuff, so there's that.
By that time, I still felt at 90% battery however. I just knew aomething was off about the 10%. I felt something creeping up but I was called a hypochondriac. Note, I was actually climbing literal mountains at that time. Hiking 3 days straight with a backpack half as heavy as me. However, before that I hiked for 4-5 days straight.
I was fine, but I felt something coming up. Doctor: "you're as healthy as one can be, don't worry. All your labs are fine".
Yeah. Just a month after my last hike I get pain in my feet. Burning. So the doctor says something that can be broken down to "yay, new symptoms. That's what hypochondriacs do! Have some anti depressants!". I pushed and got referred to a neurologist, who said it sounds like a picture book example of neuropathy.
So what does the neuro doctor do? You're right! The wrong fucking test. He measured the conductance of my motor nerves. Nothing bad? Hypochondriac! A month later I get a letter for him. The blood tests showed something weird (sic!) about my nervous system metabolism. What do I get?
(a) No explanation or follow up exam
(b) A prescription for Vitamins
(c) Called a hypochondriac
(d) All of the above
You're right! It's answer D!
So now I'm a hypochondriac and have a prescription for B vitamins. I go on my merry way and have no Idea where to go again. I knew something was wrong with me and that I'm not a hypochondriac.
That's what a hypochondriac would say, right?
Caveat is, my girlfriend is a fucking psychologist and she, after having me fill out some questionnaires she got from work, concluded that I in no way fulfill the diagnostic criteria for a hypochondriac. I got that confirmed by two other, independent psychologists.
Doctor:

"They didn't study medicine like I did, to me you're still a hypochondriac."

insert spongebob meme here
"YoUr BloOodWoRk iS fiNe, sO yoU'Re fiNe"
What do I do now? You're right. Get a new doctor.
While I'm on the waiting list it finally happens. I faint. Just once. Just a little bit. But now I knew something fucked me up.
A month or so later, I also have seen an orthopedist for my "pinched nerve". He did a full blown eminem and in 10 seconds blurted:
"Yeah sounds fucked up probably something possibly nothing not really my field see a neurologist bye"
and went back to his office to like, I don't know, finish his registration to a rap battle.
My girlfriend's birthday was coming up. What did I get her for her birthday? A nice purse. What did I get for her birthday.

Fucking Covid

3 vaccinations for the price of feeling like absolute dogshit and I still catch it.
Cue me: Wanted to get Pizza with my GF. Drove to the pizza place. Fucking fainted at the counter. Take the pizza. Drive the slow route home, feel like fainting all the time. Get home. Sprint to the couch, collapse on it, feel like actually dying, for real, then and there. Hyperventilate so much that I start seizing. Get taken to the hospital by paramedics with all horns and sirens because my heart rate was 150 and my temperature 40°C!
I didn't even get to eat my goddamn pizza!
What do the doctors do there? Quiz
(a) keep me for a night to monitor
(b) Extensive tests
(c) Dunno, something useful? LIKE A FUCKING COVID TEST
(d) No more than a small blood panel and ECG, then send me home even though my white blood cells were through the roof, HR was still 130+ and my temperature just shy of 40°C
That one's easy it's obviously D.
Ever since that day, the feeling of fainting, palpitations, air hunger and severe brain fog (forgot where I was and became totally disoriented a lot) just didn't go away.
The appointment with a new GP doctor I was faiting for so long was coming up in the following days. Told her what happened. What did she do? Said it's probably psychosomatic and ordered a new blood panel.
When that blood panel came, she did something truly wonderful. It showed that something was seriously wrong with me (I still had acute covid, i guess) so what did she do? A covid test?
HAHHAHA NO. Accused me of doing Heroin and ordered a fucking drug panel. That came back negative for everything so in her surprise she called me...
Now we all sing it together
HY-PO-HONDRIAC
I begged and pleaded with her to do a ecg again because I felt like my heart was jumping out of my chest. By that time, my acute covid has disappeared but all the other symptoms stayed. I could not walk the stairs to her office and fainted there multiple times. She reluctantly agreed, actually gave me a holter monitor and after like a week of waiting fucking refused to tell me the results. Yes. She said she is not going to tell me the results because that is "just going to fuel my anxiety disorder".
For anyone who doesn't know the language of doctors who never heard of the Hippocratic oath, that means "Your test results are dogshit and show something is absolutely wrong, but I told you there was nothing wrong before so I'm going to make it your fault instead of admitting my mistake."
I put myself on the waiting list for a cardiologist because she refused to refer me to one. In the meantime, I collapsed again and was brought to the hospital where they kept me for 3 days. They suspected a stroke because I was in such bad shape. CT scan done, nothing. Lumbar puncture, nothing. Time to go home.
The very next day for some reason, after just a week or so, I was called to the cardiologist I "applied to". He got the results of the holter monitor from my oh-so-wonderful GP. His only words: "Hospital. Now."
So from a neurology department to a cardiology department within a few days. Yay.
They again did a holter monitor, echo, and stress ECG. Results: Right before I fainted with them one day, the holter monitor showed a high score of fucking 195 BPM. What now? "It's probably the autonomous nervous system" but write nothing of that sort into my release papers, schedule a fucking Electrophysiological Heart Catheterization (that hurt like HELL) and then send me away on beta blockers without a clue, saying my cardiologist should do further testing.
The cardiologist did a tilt table test right then and there and immediately diagnosed me with POTS.
Hahahaha you fell for it. He told me to relax and do some cardio sports, then said he has no idea what else to do.
Got on the waiting list for another new GP because the one I had at the time was already reported to the medical board and after 3 months waiting I finally saw him (only after becoming literally bedridden and a regular at the ER, so much that one of the paramedics is now a buddy I sometimes play online games with)
What did he say? Sounds like Long-Covid and Post-Vac syndrome. Not a joke this time.
He ran a battery of tests and diagnosed me with... Nothing. He was the first doctor to admit, he has no idea what's wrong with me but that there is something that I'm not imagining.
In the meantime, I have seen about 5 more specialists for lungs, nervous system and heart. None of them, literally none of them ever even mentioned the possibilty or even the existence of something called a "tilt table test".
It is now, nearly to the day, one year after my first trip to the hospital. In a stroke of unbelievale luck, my girlfriend first got a job at a "neurologist's practice" to compensate for my loss of income after I lost my job in research. Yeah. I didn't mention that before but I worked as a fucking scientist, degree and all that.
In that neurological practice however, they got a new doctor. Someone with a name I can't pronounce from a faraway country. This doctor specializes in disorders of the autonomous nervous system and especially covid related long-term problems.
My girlfriend talked to them and they immediately said "Pots!!" and that I should come see them. Appointment is next week.
But god damn the doctors in this country are fucking useless.

What started as a panicked attempt to get her over-intoxicated friend to a hospital ended up in a disastrous car crash that claimed the lives of her friends... and a careless God crossing the street. But Sammi's adventure wasn't about to end there. In her dying breath, the God curses Sammi to take up her mantel. Now with her three friends resurrected as ghosts, Sammi has to navigate the tricky world of godhood.
Previous Chapter Next chapter coming soon!
Start here! Patreon (up to chapter 9)

Scheme Update:

Type: Impersonate
Difficulty Level: Blue
Participants: Cara Geraldo, Tina Dominic, Self
Status: Success!
Details: Participants obtained illegal permission to reside in a housing unit.
Reward: Level up!
~~~
Hell yeah.
~~~

God of Schemes

Tier: 3
Powers Unlocked: Verity Tongue
Familiars: Joni Beck, Christopher Ricci, Blair Yan
Familiar Powers Unlocked:
Blair Yan, Banshee, Illusion
(+1)
Attributes: Delayed Sensitivity, Reduced Sensitivity, Heightened Constitution, Regeneration Tier 2, Unaging, (+1)
~~~
Huh. Apparently I got to pick an attribute this time instead of having it automatically select one. That should have been a good thing, but I always got decision paralysis and I had a whole list of things I could pick.
Regeneration Tier 3
Durability Tier 1
Evoke Spirit (Alive)
Heightened Speed Tier 1
Heightened Strength Tier 1
Low Light Vision Tier 1
And so on.
The thing is with all the tier stuff, I actually didn’t know what it meant. I mean, okay, I’m not so stupid I don’t know what ‘low light vision’ meant. But who knows exactly how much I’d get from a single tier? How many tiers until I could just see in the dark? Would this just make me able to read a book in a movie theater? What level were we talking?
There was a lot of risk. The whole level up might end up being useless if it wasn’t strong enough.
Besides, I had my eye on another spell. Evoke Spirit (Alive). Because that sounded an awful lot like make spirits alive, right? I mean, spirit and alive in the same description sounded pretty promising.
So I selected that one. Did it cross my mind that resurrection might not be ‘tier 4 God’ material? No. Did I really think that Delayed Sensitivity and a familiar that could make police sirens put me on the same level Jesus Christ? Yes.
Did I hestiate at all to contemplate whether taking this vaguely worded ability might not, in fact, give me the power to raise the dead and might, in fact, just be a waste of a level up?
Again, no.
Anyway.
I did have the brains to not immediately tell the ghosts my plan. Just in case it didn’t bring them all back to life miraculously. Also, because I promised (at least to myself), I tapped my familiar upgrade and selected Joni Beck from my options. Maybe they’d retain the powers once alive again? Wouldn’t that be cool.
~~~
Familiar level increased!
Familiar: Joni Beck
Type: Wisp
Abilities: Atmosphere – Minor Temperature Alteration
~~~
I frowned. Alteration, huh? So like making it hot and cold. I gave Joni a sideways squint, where she was scratching at her ear. Would she like this more or less than Blair’s ability? Wisp sounded kinda lame, as ghost types go. Banshee was kinda cooler.
I decided against telling Joni about the power up thing for the moment. Instead, I called up all the magic in my brain and pointed my finger at her, closed my eyes hard and focused on the words “Spirit Alive.”
“Uh.”
Joni’s flat deadpan did not sound like a dead woman who found herself alive again. I cracked an eye open to find that she was, in fact, still very dead.
“Damn.” I snapped my fingers in disappointment. Not only had I failed to level them up, but I no longer had any idea what this new ability did.
“Did you shit yourself?” Joni asked, raising an eyebrow sky high.
“Dude, you looked in pain there,” Christopher said, laughing. “I thought you were having an aneurysm or something.”
“I was trying to resurrect you.” My cheeks burned. “You know, bring you back to life? I got this new ability, uh, Evoke Spirits Alive? Was hoping it might, you know, bring you all back.”
Christopher frowned. “Seems like kind of a strong ability to get at–what are you now, tier 3?”
My cheeks burned hotter. Of course it was. “Well what do you think it does?”
Everyone was quiet. Even Cara for probably the first time in her life. Even Blair had puckered her brow in deep thought.
“Evoke means, like, bring forth, right?” Christopher said, finally breaking the silence. “So you can bring forth spirits.”
“And we’re spirits,” Blair clarified. “So you can make ghosts.”
“Make alive ghosts,” Joni said. “So maybe you can bring ghosts out of dead people, like the initial God did.”
“Maybe,” Cara said, the start of her sentence overlapping the end of Joni’s, “you can evoke spirits out of living people?”
All of my ghosts fixed her with looks of outrage at the sheer stupidity of this question. Even Blair seemed to find this stupid. She had her head cocked sassily to the side, lips pursed. Blair’s “I’m smarter than you” look was a thing of legends, in that only a few people had ever claimed to have seen it because Blair wasn’t typically known for being smarter than people. Though there was a time where an old friend, Fritz, had ODed at a party and Blair had been the first person to recognize his symptoms. She flashed this same look at that event, before saying ‘We really should call 911.’
Luckily for Fritz, there had been service, so instead of being hurled into a car to die a horribly violent and premature death like Blair had, he’d been carted off to the ER and then to rehab. I haven’t seen him since, cause we really only ever saw each other at parties and he went full sobriety guy after that.
Good for Fritz, though.
But my old druggie friends aside, this was the second time I’d ever seen Blair be this convinced that someone else had just said something very stupid. It was miraculous to behold, but I wasn’t going to acknowledge it. It’d just egg the ghosts on to make fun of poor Cara.
Instead, I just shook my head wisely.
“Could be, Cara. Could be.”
–
Tina the Taxi returned later that night with my car. I hoodwinked some guards into helping me bring my stolen gear to the apartment so it could start feeling like home. They left the boxes in the corner and left, muttering about how this was not the overnight shift’s typical job.
We had a lot of decorating to do.
“Well,” Christopher said, appraising the stack, hands on his hips. “This is… well, like, it’s something I guess.”
“Um, did you get all that from TechShack?” Cara asked, eying my ‘bounty.’
“Yeah.”
We may not have had as much decorating to do as I’d thought.
I was more than a little let down by how it all looked in the middle of the floor. When I’d first pictured New Olympia, I think I’d expected something smaller than this place. Something more like the 10x10 bedroom where I used to live. I had severely misunderstood how much stuff was needed to outfit a place this big.
Because boy let me tell you, a single shopping cart worth of video game consoles, a monitor, a few keyboards, and a medium sized speaker didn’t make a dent in a five bedroom apartment. It looked pathetic just sitting on the living room floor.
“Okay.” I sighed. “This might actually take some time to fill out.” After a moment of my face getting redder and redder, I took a deep breath and forced a smile. “We can get started on that tomorrow though. First thing in the morning!”
“Shouldn’t we deal with the whole, ya know, fugitives from the law thing?” Cara asked, voice spiking in a familiar note of oncoming panic. “I mean, what if the police find our spot while we’re out and set up a barricade around it? What if they shoot you before you speak? What if they shoot me? And speaking of shooting, aren’t we supposed to be tracking down that Henry Miller guy? We need to–”
“Cara!” My face was back to red. “Okay fine, so a shopping spree isn’t top on the plate. I’ll just…” An idea popped into my head. “Okay. Tina, would you like to do a shopping trip tomorrow?”
Tina pursed her lips. “I mean, yeah. You got a card though I can use? Cause I can’t afford much right now and maybe you feel comfortable hustling but I can’t cut and run like that.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I’ll get you a card. Easy peasy. I’ll just make a call in the morning. You just hit up whatever furniture stores you think look cool, buy whatever you can until the card hits its limit, and we’ll go from there.”
Tina’s lips pressed together, stretched out in something that might be a smile but was contradicted by the crease between her eyebrows. “You sure?” she asked.
“Positive. Just… you know. Tomorrow.” I let out a sigh that turned into a very long yawn as I took a hard look at the gleaming, shiny, very hard hardwood floor. Man I was tired. I was dog tired. The more I thought about how tired I was, the more tired I got. We’d visited Noah today, broke Cara out of jail, hired Tina, and gotten a house all in one.
I was almost tired enough to sleep on the wooden floors.
“Cara, call the front desk and ask for some blankets. Tina—” I jabbed a finger at her “—your first priority tomorrow is beds. Mine will be getting some breathing space from the cops. Might take a buncha of the day, but we gotta do what we gotta do.” I’d hoodwinked cops before. I could play them like a flute.
—

Day 3: Friday

–
I’d taken flute in the seventh grade. It was the only instrument I’d ever played beyond banging on a grandparent’s piano once as a kid, or screeching on recorders in first grade. Like an idiot, I’d assumed you played flute and recorder the same way. Didn’t realize it was supposed to be sideways. So first day of flute class, I stuck it in my mouth and blew. Got a very judgy look from my teacher, whose impression of me didn’t change throughout the entire miserable year. Finally she left a kindly worded letter suggesting that my passions may lay outside music.
Which is to say, ‘playing something like a flute’ was a bad metaphor for ‘something easy.’ It was, however, a good metaphor for something difficult. Something like buying time from the police.
I’d had a good, if short lived, feeling about the whole thing as I cruised into the police station. Things had been going pretty well, the last few lies I’d told. Got the guards to give us free blankets, got Jordan the landlord to lend us his credit card, got a spanking good free breakfast.
I was feeling good until maybe thirty seconds after entering the police station.
“Hands up where we can see them! Keep your hands over your head and don’t move.”
I’d kept Cara at the apartment because I knew I was more likely to be able to survive a gunshot than her. I hadn’t expected to be shot, it had just been a precaution. So this was definitely taking me by surprise.
“What I do?” I shrieked, hands jumping over head. “I just came in here to–”
“We got two men missing, last seen escorting you and murder suspect Cara Geraldo from the premises.” The cop pointing his gun at me didn’t even lower his voice. Everyone else in the office looked very tense, and I could see a half dozen hands itching towards holsters.
“Uh.” I swallowed. “Don’t shoot please?”
“I’m getting cuffs on her,” the officer with the gun said. “Now. Someone hold my gun and check her for weapons.”
“Wait wait wait wait, I do not consent to being frisked.” I wanted to run or duck or something, but my hands were still over my head, and I knew if I took a step, they’d shoot. So instead I started kinda wiggling like my feet were glued to the ground. “No handcuffs either. Stop. Don’t. Please. Come on, guys, give me a break.”
They weren’t listening because I wasn’t telling lies, but my brain was drawing a bit of a blank. The ghosts, meanwhile, were full of ideas, which was part of the problem.
All anyone in the office saw was me wiggling and begging not to be handcuffed while a cop handcuffed me.
But what I was hearing was:
“Not commands, not commands, not commands are you fucking stupid?”
“Bro, Sammi, deep breaths, you’re gonna get yourself shot. I like, don’t think that would kill you depending on where you get shot but maybe we, you know, shouldn’t test it?”
“Sammi, oh my gosh, you’re being so silly! You’re gonna end up next to poor Noah if you’re not careful. You gotta–”
“Shut up, Blair, you’re distracting her.”
“Maybe you need to stop stressing her out. Chill, Joni chill. You need to–”
“Don’t be mean, Joni. Sammi needs–”
“She needs to not get shot, she needs to–”
“Deep breaths, girls. Deeeeeep breaths. It’ll be–”
“If you tell me to calm down, I’ll kill you. Sammi is literally going to die–”
“She’s just gotta stay positive! Okay Sammi, repeat after me. I am the God of Schemes and you’re all gonna be in a lot of–”
“Just say you’re not a criminal.”
“Say you did nothing wrong.”
“Tell them you work there.”
“Keep it simple.”
“Say something!”
“You’re running out of time.”
“Just tell them you’re supposed to be here.”
So I was hearing a lot. And I was fucking sweating my ass off. This had to have been the most stressful moment of my life, cause my face was beet red and I could feel steam coming out of my ears and I felt like my head was about to explode, and finally what came out of my mouth was.
“I’m not supposed to be in trouble or do anything wrong please.”
Which made no sense.
It did, however, get everyone in the room to pause, parsing my garbled sentence.
“You’re… what?” Officer Handcuffs asked.
“I’m…” My voice trailed off in a whimper. “I’m not in trouble.” I looked around the room at the frozen police officers. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”
They were quiet for another long few seconds. Officer Handcuffs looked around the room, eyes slowly starting to bug more as he took in the accusatory glares of everyone in the room and then looked back to my handcuffed wrist.
“Jim.” An older woman with a bigger badge than many of the others, stepped forward. “This is enough.”
I froze, holding my breath.
“Amanda–”
“No.” Amanda shook her head. “You narrowly avoided probation for the vending machine incident. Now you’re handcuffing this poor girl who hasn’t done anything wrong?”
Jim was starting to sweat. Actually, everyone was starting to sweat. It was absolutely sweltering in here.
“I’m sorry. I… I didn’t–she looked like–”
Amanda was still shaking her head. “Uncuff the girl, Jim. Then you and I are gonna have a little chat. And I’m looping Charlotte in.”
Jim’s face probably would have gone white at this if it wasn't, like, eighty degrees in the room. Instead, it went a dark red. I was starting to worry for his health.
“Y-yes Sarge.” His shaky, sweaty, slippery hands fumbled with the lock on my cuff before unclasping it from my wrist. “Sorry miss. I…”
I waved him off. I had no idea what to say, but this was working kinda sorta, and I was scared to ruin it.
After Amanda escorted Jim away, the rest of the office sorta returned to normal. My mouth felt super chalky as I willed my heart to slow down, but I swayed where I stood, dizzy. Spots flashed in my eyes. Was I having a stroke?
“Jesus, someone wanna turn the AC on?” the woman at the desk asked, her voice a gravelly growl.
“Don’t normally need to in September like this,” Officer Handcuffs said. Then he pulled at his collar and took a few panting breaths. “But yeah. Yeah, let me go check on getting that cranked up.”
“Bro, you all look like you just ran a marathon.” Christopher pulled his legs up into a criss-cross applesauce pose. “Is it actually that hot?”
“Yeah, what gives?” Joni asked, blithely unaware–as I had been, until she’d asked–that she was ‘what gives.’
“I uh…” My eyes slunk around the room at the various police officers. How was I supposed to have a conversation with Joni here? Too many people who were gonna find it weird. “I’ll tell you outside,” I said, teeth grit. I just needed to have a conversation about posting bail and we could bail.
Joni wasn’t impressed by my blow off, but I didn’t really care. I needed to get us out of this office before people started passing out.
Phew, another week over. Let me know what you think!

So I'm not even sure where to begin. I've been on Adderall for most of the last 20 years of my life. When I was young the come down from Adderall made me so irritable and I struggled with bad insomnia because of it. By the time I got into high school I started self medicating with MJ to help me relax and sleep. Then in college I was extremely obsessed with perfect grades and did nothing but study 24/7. I got horrible sleep but I didn't drink or even smoke anymore. Then after college I began socially drinking after work with friends almost every day. Drinking is what most people do in my smaller town with nothing else exciting to really offer. Fast forward to two years ago, I had my second child and everything in my life went to shit for so many reasons that would take me an hour to go through. So trust me, everything from multiple family deaths, marital stress, financial stress and a baby that didn't sleep for half the first year of his life. I began drinking heavily every day. Like I could kill almost a whole 30 pack. But here's the thing...I don't feel like drinking unless I take my Adderall. Like at all. I've been wanting to quit drinking but with how stressful my life is right now, I cannot survive without my Adderall. I don't know what to do. It's become more of a habit at this point. I drink very slowly over the course of 6 or more hours. It just takes the edge off the day and get through the Adderall come down. I need a plan of action as I almost ended up in the ER today. I've been getting sick a lot lately. As in I will crash out of nowhere and my blood sugar feels like it's at zero and I can't barely move or talk. My ALT was elevated and glucose actually also a little high. So something is going on with my insulin or the ability to absorb it. Won't know till I see my primary doc.
ANYWAY.....I would love to try and wean off the Adderall, but it can take weeks for the body to regulate without it. I don't have the luxury to survive the withdrawals. I'm trying to figure out a plan of action because my body is not functional anymore. Have any of you struggled with this before? Is there anything you know that helps with the come down so that I don't feel like drinking? I haven't tried smoking again as it's not legal in my state(not that I care), but it's not super convenient to get it and I always have a fear of getting in trouble as I already got a misdemeanor with it at 19.
I'll take any and all advice. I'm so tired of this and my kids deserve a mom whose not sick and tired and grouchy all the time.
EDIT : I have been seeing a psychiatrist for most of my Adderall life. My new Doc that I started seeing 3 years ago is amazing. I've never met a more intelligent person. He put me on Lamictal to help with the come down and my anxiety. It helped at first but then didn't seem to do much. I'm actually on Dexamphetimine and not regular Addy. I'm very sensitive to most drugs. All antidepressants/antianxiety meds have made me really sick. Ridilin and Vyvanse also were not a good mix for me. I haven't been fully honest about the drinking issue because I'm so embarrassed. I'm seeing a therapist also. The place I go to uses a collaborative approach so I will definitely be discussing all of this with both of them and hopefully they can come up with something together. I just don't know how I'd function with two young kids and the INSANE nightmare that is my life. Like...I cannot even begin to explain the stress I'm under. From the moment my eyes open, to the moment they close, I'm in constant fight or flight mode. I've been off Adderall once in my life during a stress free period and eating well ect. My ADHD was non existent. But then I started working 60 hours a week and life got crazy. I don't know how anyone functions in this world without it to be honest.

Happy Friday, Barkada --

The PSE lost 40 points to 6372 ▼0.6%

Shout-out to RMM Trader for alerting me to the weird PLDT/SMART error that happened when he clicked yesterday's link (did that happen for anyone else?), to jalvaran for highlighting the bit about the "colorful son of a politician" from yesterday's Inside the Boardroom episode, to LanAustria for the thumbs-up on the interview with Oliver Tan, to echAir for the positive feedback and for noting that conglos getting into power generation is a net positive for us, to Trina Cerdenia for also noting that "special mention si Leandro", to financial freedom for asking some great valuation questions ("what's the appropriate valuation method to account for one-time gains?"), to Jeffrey Lao for the positive review, to VodkaMartini_007 for awarding bonus points to the CREC team for their choice in underwear, and to Abject-Addendum1825 for the usually-correct PSE chestnut ("IPO: It's Probably Overpriced"), and to arkitrader for the "special underwear" GIF.

▌In today's MB:

• Pacific Online only bidder for e-lotto license
• Chemical Industries wants to "focus on real estate"
• AgriNurture Q1 net loss: P28-M (down 1381%)
• Union Bank SRO shares list today

▌Daily meme Subscribe (it's free) Today's email

▌Main stories covered:

• [NEWS] Pacific Online Systems only qualified bidder for 5-year “E-Lotto” license... Pacific Online Systems [LOTO 4.80 ▼1.0%; 449% avgVol] [link] disclosed that the Philippine Charity Sweepstakes Office (PCSO) informed LOTO that it has declared LOTO the “Single Calculated Bid” for the 5-year “E-Lotto” license that was up for auction. LOTO explained that as the “Single Calculated Bid”, LOTO’s bid will be “subjected to post-qualification review by the [PCSO]... should there be no issues raised during post-qualification, it is expected that the [PCSO] will be issuing its Notice of Award.” LOTO was granted a 6-month test license to conduct e-lotto, during which LOTO managed to capture 14% of e-lotto sales. The company is owned by Willy Ocier.
  
  • MB: Physical casinos are old and busted. Virtual gaming is the new hotness. Part of the reason is the scalability of virtual operations is simply unmatched. If Bloomberry [BLOOM 10.40 ▼4.9%; 100% avgVol] wants to double its take from Solaire, it needs to build another Solaire (which it did). That costs a lot of money and takes a lot of time. If LOTO wants to double its take from e-lotto, it just has to... what, spin up another server or something, and then do a better job of marketing? There’s a lot less prestige in operating an online gambling service as compared to a physical casino, but there’s a lot less external risk and a lot more (potential) profit. As noted by Twitter user @Q4737 (link), it was “probably coincidental” that LOTO’s stock “moved for the past 3 days”. LOTO was up 25% in the three days of trading before the sudden announcement from PCSO.
• [NEWS] Chemical Industries board votes to merge subsidiaries to “focus on real estate”... Chemical Industries of the Philippines [CIP 170.00 ▲49.9%; 0% avgVol] [link] said that its board voted to exclude the Unioil Group from the merger of its subsidiaries. The subsidiaries that will be merged are Addventure Properties, Citiworld Properties, Exquadra, Quantumlink Realty, Buklod Realty, and Rivertanks; Uniholdings Inc will be the surviving entity of this merger. The PSE halted trading in CIP’s shares prior to the market’s open, “pending submission of the additional information required by the Exchange”, eight minutes after CIP’s “Reply to Exchange’s Query” hit the EDGE disclosure server.
  
  • MB: “Getting into real estate” is a pretty broad thing. We all know (or have heard of) a couple of people who were not property specialists “getting into real estate” and getting pretty wealthy from it. We all know (or have heard of) a couple of people with that same background who managed to lose buckets of money on a “sure thing” rental or get caught up in a multi-year legal battle over titles to the lot. Then there’s the third group who tried real estate investing and did so without generating any noteworthy gains or losses. Which one of these three groups will CIP belong to? I don’t know. All I know is that there are an awful lot of property-rich companies “doing real estate” on the PSE right now that aren’t actually doing all that much, so “doing real estate” is not an automatic path to easy wealth and profit. As with everything else, how they execute this plan will determine its value.
• [EARNINGS] AgriNurture Q1 net loss: -₱28-M (down 1381%)... AgriNurture [ANI 0.71 unch; 91% avgVol] [link] reported a Q1/24 net loss attributable of ₱27.8 million, down 1381% from its Q1/23 net income attributable of ₱2.2 million, and up 83% from its Q4/23 net loss of attributable of ₱161.6 million. ANI’s total revenue for the quarter was ₱570 million (down 47% y/y), with the largest drop coming from its “Export” business segment which saw its associated revenue fall 98% to just ₱6 million. ANI blamed this result to the “reduced volumes of China export clients” for its banana export business. The second-largest drop came from ANI’s “Local Distribution and Others” segment, which saw its associated revenue fall 41% to ₱80 million. ANI blamed this result on the “rationalization of operations pertaining to the fresh produce and commodities markets”.
  
  • MB: Helpfully, ANI said that its massive drop in profitability was due to a “significant decrease in revenue.” This is a frustratingly bare quarterly report from a company that barely beat its extended filing deadline to avoid suspension, only to post such a massive L. Their banana business has been an up-and-down affair, with previous downs in FY22 explained away by logistics problems in China due to COVID. This time, the underperformance comes with no explanation or reason from Antonio Tiu’s broad yet shallow company. The stock is down 90% over the past 12 months, down 89% from its COVID-crash low, and down 96% from its pre-COVID levels.
• [UPDATE] Union Bank SRO shares list today... The shares from the Union Bank [UBP 34.00 ▼3.7%; 43% avgVol] stock rights offering (SRO) [link] will be listed today. Of the ~327 million common shares for sale in the SRO, 319 million were sold in the 1st round of the SRO, and 8 million were sold in the 2nd round. No final round or “Underwriter’s Take-up” was required.
  
  • MB: UBP’s stock price has been on a fairly consistent downward trend since February 2023, when it was worth approximately ₱74.50/share. It’s down 54% since then. There have been some ups and downs along the way, but the lows and the highs just keep going lower. Over that same span, UBP’s retail banking competitors like BPI [BPI 120.20 ▼0.5%; 117% avgVol] and BDO [BDO 130.50 ▲0.2%; 170% avgVol] are up 10.5% and 6.9% respectively, in stark contrast to UBP’s massive drop in price. Will the higher incomes promised by the absorption of Citigroup’s PH-based retail banking business pay off for shareholders soon?

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My wife is pregnant with our first child, and we are seven weeks in. While I'm thrilled about the baby, I'm starting to get frustrated with her eating habits. She has always been somewhat of a picky eater, but it's reached new levels, putting a strain on our finances and adding stress to my daily life.
Normally, I wouldn’t mind her going out to get food, but the problem is that it’s putting a dent in our wallet. I know that sounds harsh, so let me explain. We got married in 2023. Before our marriage, my wife was a successful makeup artist running her own boutique with many clients. However, she expressed a growing dissatisfaction with her career and wanted to quit to start a new business. I aimed to earn over six figures since making $60,000 a year in our area is considered doing well. To ensure we had enough for investments, savings, and unforeseen expenses, I started looking for a second job.
My wife quit her career in late 2023 and began building a new business, which is still in its early stages with no clients or income. I am currently supporting both of us with two and a half jobs (got these 2 other jobs a few months ago), and now I am earning over $120,000 a year. When she quit, she also had debt. While paying for the mortgage, utilities, groceries, and unexpected expenses, I've also been paying off her debt. I paid off her $3,000 student loan and am about to clear her $4,000 credit card debt from her previous business. Recently, we discovered she hadn’t been withholding taxes correctly, resulting in a $3,000 IRS debt, in addition to a $6,000 car loan and a recent hospital bill for an ER visit.
I've already spent $200 on groceries this week and another $100 on restaurant runs for her, yet my wife has constant cravings and insists on getting different food, which she often doesn’t finish. Her mom cooked for her, but she lost interest in that too. I prepared meals for the next few days, but now she doesn’t want to eat them either. Her food choices change constantly. Additionally, she has stopped working on her business and is always hungry and says we have no food in the house despite our full freezer and refrigerator filled with items she previously wanted but now refuses to eat.
I'm not trying to be mean, a bad husband, or unfair. However, I'm starting to lose my patience because all these expenses are beginning to put a dent in finances. If we had all of the debt paid off, this wouldn't be an issue, but it's starting to become expensive. I have never had a kid before, so I am not sure if this is a unique situation or if anyone has experienced something similar during pregnancy.

Am I wrong for wanting to patch up my relationship than “dump her”? (I posted this ª couple days ago but no one saw)
So I (young and female) have a best fiend that we will call Ava. She is the same age and is also female. Ava has been friend since second grade and we use to be really close.
Now on to the problem. I don’t want to as you all say “dump her”-lol- but want to help our friendship. Basically, some of the things she has done is abuse me (physically), liked all of my exes, and more. I will give example for both. Abuse: sprained wrist, ankles, etc. Hit me, verbal abuse, bulling, rumers, and more. Now the more important one, liked all of my exes. I was with my ex for 1-2 years. When I started the relationship, she completely supported and was so happy. Then more to the end, she told him that I was cheating and more. This made him break up with me and I called her crying. I was devastated. We eventually got back together but then I realized I couldn’t be with someone that would break up with me immediately after hearing a rumor. After the breakup, she kept on telling me how she liked him and thought he was flirting and how she would do anything for him. This made me go into a deep depression and I almost committed. She kept on doing this every time I went into ª relationship.
After I told my friends about it, they convinced me to confront her. And I did. I called her and told her I didn’t appreciate it. Then she started to tell me all these tiny things I did and I felt terrible. She told me things like eating candy and leaving them in her car, how she took blame for things I did, being annoying to her mom, snoring loudly and making us leave vacation early bc no one could sleep. Stuff like that. And my mind went foggy and I forgot all of my reasons she was bad. After that I cried and we made up.
Now I don’t know what to do and don’t want to break o ur friendship. After all, we have been best friends for years! Idk what to do and hate thinking about this. Please help me find out how to repare this relationship! And please go to my other post about my gf and help me with that too! Thank you for your support!

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#ViDeOEDiTor #ViSualArtIst #InnaIsYoUrFeTish #MovEd #ViDeOMaKeR #StEpAfTeRSTeP #FetIshIsm #InsiDeRiNisgHt #PayNoW #ProGraMe #AppPlicTIoN #ApP InsiDeRtIp #ExAmPlE #LuXuRy #CoNnEcTiOn #RiCh #Goth #ApPly #CoNeCt #WelCoMeAcQuiRer #ProDuCeR #ProDuCt #ExCePtIoNoFsElFrEcOrDiNg #WelCoMePurChaSer #ProDuCtIoN #ExCePtIoNoFrEcOrDiNg #PubLiC #WrItEr #ExCePtIoNrEcOrDiNg #WelCoMePayEr #PcExPeRt #GaDGeD #ExCePtIoN #EnDorSe #WelCoMeBuYeR #ReAdEr #Inna #VIPinSiDeR #FanTaSy #Ivanova #COmMerCiAL #TraDe #EnCoNoMy #WelCoMeCusToMer #sTyLiSh #BaSic #EnCoNoMiC #WelCoMe#RarEfEa

malEinTeLlIgEnCe #pINNAcle ..! _ FOrAlLZiKrOfSaNyWhErEInnaDoNOtCaRe;

INNApproachable #UNRESPONSIVE #BuSy #termINNAtingZikrofhead #InOtHeRSpAcE #OutofSyStem #NotabLeToBabbLe #InStrAnGeDiMeNsIoN #WORKING #BeHinDYoUwiThAwEaPoN #UnReAcHaBlE #ToHIgHFoRZiKrOfBrAin #ProDucInG #InOthErDiMeNsiOn #OutOfOrDer #OutOfZiKrofSyStem #iNPaRalElDiMenSioN #HaiLsAtAn #BOOKEDOUT !

TLDR: almost 8 years in uni, few credits left, but withdrew (got a WD) from the course out of stress and panic for the nth time, family doesn’t know
I could never have been more stupid thinking I would make it. I’m just not well suited for the formal education route, and it took me 21 years to recognize that. The entire time I was delusional asf and once the senior years hit I collapsed, bad. I wasted so much time and money on courses that I ended up dropping last second 😔 and it’s not like I have a super well gpa or decent grades in general now.. I’m barely hanging by and everyone’s noticing. The only reason why I continued was a) it’s been so many years and ur so close, finish what you started and b) my family has been waiting for ages for me to finish and they will depend on me soon (older child, first in the immediate fam to go to college).
I have developed a lot of shitty habits since high school, the main ones being procrastination and ordering junk food. None of them are intentional of course, but as a result of the stress, I give in. I’m addicted to junk food. I’m morbidly obese, high cholestrol therefore several warnings from doctor, yet I continued. I had to literally force myself to not order something yesterday. It’s so stupid. I didn’t have to work full-time, nor pay for rent, groceries, and other significant bills, yet I still couldn’t do it. I’m not even in sciences or business, it’s arts.
For the current course I dropped, the only way for me to pass was to study 24/7 and get only like 3-4 hours so I could finish my assignments on time before and after work. I’m so weak willed I couldn’t do it. I just sit and scroll on my phone out of overwhelm and later somehow get myself to do one basic thing, but then the same shit happens again the next day and it snowballs. I become unprepared and out of anxiety I end up not going to class. Then, cuz I’m stupid when reading articles, I don’t do discussions. When I only have a couple days left for assignments, I freak out and quit. Old me would’ve pulled those all-nighters and done whatever it took to pass at least. Now I can’t even do that. I have no control over myself, just destruction.
I haven’t interacted with friends (most have graduated already and are working great jobs) nor with relatives (basically no one but the people I live with) because I got busy with work (work retail part-time at a job I once left and I’m still bad it cuz I’m a recluse who is poor at observing things, multitasking in a fast-paced environment and talking to people) and school. Also, I wanted to finish my degree before hanging out with everyone. I feel a lot shame for not finishing yet and everyone’s gonna think I’m such a fraud, spent all these years and ended up with no friends, no real job experience in my field, poor networking skills, poor gpa, several withdrawals and bad grades, and knows nothing beyond the surface level in the field of study (I basically forget what I learn after the course is over cuz I don’t use it and I don’t read about my field or in general, so you know how low my vocabulary can be, not great for a linguistics major)
I can’t face telling my mom again, because I have done this in the past and hid things from her and lied to her (still ashamed of that). She’ll never trust me or believe in me again. And my brother, who just started uni, I’m a huge fucking disappointment. I’m the scatterbrained, crybaby older sister who has some shit going on every year.
Yeah so that’s me. A weak, fat 25 year old woman who’s a shut in and can’t do anything right and will end up getting kicked in retail despite all that education. I ended up letting all those people who wanted me to fail win and those who believed in me and supported me to regret doing so.
If you have come this far in reading, I thank you for your time.
I don’t know where to go from here. I’m scared to even enrol for the next term cuz I just know the same shit will happen 😞 I’m really stuck and the worst thoughts come into my brain like, “oh you quit now you think you’ll come back to it next year or when you’re 30 with additional responsibilities? Nope. Will you even live till 30?” Man I really hate myself, always have.

TLDR: almost 8 years in uni, few credits left, but withdrew (got a WD) from the course out of stress and panic for the nth time, family doesn’t know
I could never have been more stupid thinking I would make it. I’m just not well suited for the formal education route, and it took me 21 years to recognize that. The entire time I was delusional asf and once the senior years hit I collapsed, bad. I wasted so much time and money on courses that I ended up dropping last second 😔 and it’s not like I have a super well gpa or decent grades in general now.. I’m barely hanging by and everyone’s noticing. The only reason why I continued was a) it’s been so many years and ur so close, finish what you started and b) my family has been waiting for ages for me to finish and they will depend on me soon (older child, first in the immediate fam to go to college).
I have developed a lot of shitty habits since high school, the main ones being procrastination and ordering junk food. None of them are intentional of course, but as a result of the stress, I give in. I’m addicted to junk food. I’m morbidly obese, high cholestrol therefore several warnings from doctor, yet I continued. I had to literally force myself to not order something yesterday. It’s so stupid. I didn’t have to work full-time, nor pay for rent, groceries, and other significant bills, yet I still couldn’t do it. I’m not even in sciences or business, it’s arts.
For the current course I dropped, the only way for me to pass was to study 24/7 and get only like 3-4 hours so I could finish my assignments on time before and after work. I’m so weak willed I couldn’t do it. I just sit and scroll on my phone out of overwhelm and later somehow get myself to do one basic thing, but then the same shit happens again the next day and it snowballs. I become unprepared and out of anxiety I end up not going to class. Then, cuz I’m stupid when reading articles, I don’t do discussions. When I only have a couple days left for assignments, I freak out and quit. Old me would’ve pulled those all-nighters and done whatever it took to pass at least. Now I can’t even do that. I have no control over myself, just destruction.
I haven’t interacted with friends (most have graduated already and are working great jobs) nor with relatives (basically no one but the people I live with) because I got busy with work (work retail part-time at a job I once left and I’m still bad it cuz I’m a recluse who is poor at observing things, multitasking in a fast-paced environment and talking to people) and school. Also, I wanted to finish my degree before hanging out with everyone. I feel a lot shame for not finishing yet and everyone’s gonna think I’m such a fraud, spent all these years and ended up with no friends, no real job experience in my field, poor networking skills, poor gpa, several withdrawals and bad grades, and knows nothing beyond the surface level in the field of study (I basically forget what I learn after the course is over cuz I don’t use it and I don’t read about my field or in general, so you know how low my vocabulary can be, not great for a linguistics major)
I can’t face telling my mom again, because I have done this in the past and hid things from her and lied to her (still ashamed of that). She’ll never trust me or believe in me again. And my brother, who just started uni, I’m a huge fucking disappointment. I’m the scatterbrained, crybaby older sister who has some shit going on every year.
Yeah so that’s me. A weak, fat 25 year old woman who’s a shut in and can’t do anything right and will end up getting kicked in retail despite all that education. I ended up letting all those people who wanted me to fail win and those who believed in me and supported me to regret doing so.
If you have come this far in reading, I thank you for your time.
I don’t know where to go from here. I’m scared to even enrol for the next term cuz I just know the same shit will happen 😞 I’m really stuck and the worst thoughts come into my brain like, “oh you quit now you think you’ll come back to it next year or when you’re 30 with additional responsibilities? Nope. Will you even live till 30?” Man I really hate myself, always have.

I'm not sick. This also happened during my first retrieval, but since the clinic didn't have experience with it with anyone else, I just assumed I'd been sick and just not realized. But now it's happened two cycles in a row.
I am doing birth control priming before my ER.
My first week was 5mg Norethisterone twice a day and 20mg enoxaparin sodium at night. Second week is 5 mg Norethisterone and 5mg estradiol valerate, twice a day with 20mg enoxaparin at night. Then just the 5mg estradiol valerate twice a day and 20mg enoxaparin until I bleed.
Each cycle, a few days after I start the estradiol, my temperature starts running higher than normal. I wake up at 37C and will run somewhere around 36.8 during the day.
And what appears to be happening now and happened last cycle, my temperature started rising into low grade fever territory as I get to the end of the second week. Last cycle, I got visibly feverish. But didn't feel sick in any other way.
Weirdly, when I took the enoxaparin it brought my fever down for about 4 hours.
I have severe endometriosis, and I wondered if the estrogen is causing a flare up that is causing a fever. But this cycle, my endometriosis has actually not been that bad, but I'm still getting the higher than normal temps.
Like I said, medical staff weren't concerned but also hadn't heard of it before.
Temperatures dropped quickly once I started bleeding.
I've been BBTing for years now, and it's almost like the normal rise in body temperature during the luteal phase, but exaggerated.
The interesting bit to me is that the worst of it seems to be after I added the estrogen and when I'm just taking the estrogen - but estrogen is supposed to lower temps.
Just curious if anyone else has experienced this or even ideas why it might make sense.
When I searched for fever, the posts I saw were either actual illness or after transfer.

Good Evening,
I'd like to start off by mentioning that I am a 17 year old man, white, 190cm in height - 6"2' almost 6"3', weighing around 60 kg - 120 pounds. I currently live in Europe, precisely - Poland. I do not drink or smoke, no medication outside of the pills that I got prescribed by the doctor who I have visited about this issue.
The root of this issue:
On Wednesday - 22nd of May, I was playing pick up basketball with a couple of friends. This activity was all fun and games until I jumped for a rebound, trying to get the ball for my team from the air, which resulted in me falling on the wrong side of my foot. I would also like to mention that I have rolled my ankle twice before, which was never this severe. 30 minutes after the injury, my mom took me to the ER. I did an x-ray and the doctor told me to not put any pressure or weight on the foot (no walking), and wearing a Walker Boot. I was also prescribed Neoparin - 10 anticoagulant injections, taken daily. We were told that we should schedule another visit 2 days after, once the swelling had shrunk. On the second visit, the doctor examined my foot and determined that the injury is a grade 2 ankle sprain. I was prescribed 2 weeks of no pressure along with still wearing the walker boot, keep doing the injections, along with 2 new medicine - Cyclo3Fort and Reparil. I was also instructed to use the RICE method - Rest Ice Compress Elevate, keeping my foot above my butt, icing my foot every 2 hours for 15 minutes and treating the walker boot like a cast, only taking it off when I shower.
After the first visit in the ER, I took the advice lightly - I wore the walker boot for a long time during the day but I didn't really pay attention to how long my foot was supposed to be in it. I kept my foot elevated for most of the day but I also did not really care that much about it. I didn't ice my foot at all because I found research that icing actually makes the healing process longer.
After the second visit, I really listened to the words of the doctor. I am keeping my foot elevated 95% of the day, I ice every 2-3 hours for 15 minutes. I have my walker boot on also 95% of the day. I also take all of the medicine as im supposed to.
What really worries me is that since I have been doing what my doctor told me to (2 days ago), I get this excruciating pain in my foot and my leg whenever I don't keep my foot elevated. This made showering impossible, going to the toilet and relieving myself really hard - also met with excruciating pain (7/10 on a pain scale) - it honestly feels like if I was getting constantly bitten by a dog. Daily activities like making my breakfast - even simple cereal with milk, are insanely hard to do, with my foot constantly hurting when it's not elevated.
The plus of this is that the swelling that was HUGE, is now moderate. Compared to day 1 it is 80% gone, and even comparing to yesterday - it got better.
I was instructed to keep doing this for 2 weeks - until the time of my next checkup. Surviving like this, until then and even going there seems IMPOSSIBLE.
Thank you so much for taking the time to review and help me with this issue. I also want to say sorry for any bad instances of my use of the english language.
Hope everyone has a great day.

Good Evening,
I'd like to start off by mentioning that I am a 17 year old man, white, 190cm in height - 6"2' almost 6"3', weighing around 60 kg - 120 pounds. I currently live in Europe, precisely - Poland. I do not drink or smoke, no medication outside of the pills that I got prescribed by the doctor who I have visited about this issue.
The root of this issue:
On Wednesday - 22nd of May, I was playing pick up basketball with a couple of friends. This activity was all fun and games until I jumped for a rebound, trying to get the ball for my team from the air, which resulted in me falling on the wrong side of my foot. I would also like to mention that I have rolled my ankle twice before, which was never this severe. 30 minutes after the injury, my mom took me to the ER. I did an x-ray and the doctor told me to not put any pressure or weight on the foot (no walking), and wearing a Walker Boot. I was also prescribed Neoparin - 10 anticoagulant injections, taken daily. We were told that we should schedule another visit 2 days after, once the swelling had shrunk. On the second visit, the doctor examined my foot and determined that the injury is a grade 2 ankle sprain. I was prescribed 2 weeks of no pressure along with still wearing the walker boot, keep doing the injections, along with 2 new medicine - Cyclo3Fort and Reparil. I was also instructed to use the RICE method - Rest Ice Compress Elevate, keeping my foot above my butt, icing my foot every 2 hours for 15 minutes and treating the walker boot like a cast, only taking it off when I shower.
After the first visit in the ER, I took the advice lightly - I wore the walker boot for a long time during the day but I didn't really pay attention to how long my foot was supposed to be in it. I kept my foot elevated for most of the day but I also did not really care that much about it. I didn't ice my foot at all because I found research that icing actually makes the healing process longer.
After the second visit, I really listened to the words of the doctor. I am keeping my foot elevated 95% of the day, I ice every 2-3 hours for 15 minutes. I have my walker boot on also 95% of the day. I also take all of the medicine as im supposed to.
What really worries me is that since I have been doing what my doctor told me to (2 days ago), I get this excruciating pain in my foot and my leg whenever I don't keep my foot elevated. This made showering impossible, going to the toilet and relieving myself really hard - also met with excruciating pain (7/10 on a pain scale) - it honestly feels like if I was getting constantly bitten by a dog. Daily activities like making my breakfast - even simple cereal with milk, are insanely hard to do, with my foot constantly hurting when it's not elevated.
The plus of this is that the swelling that was HUGE, is now moderate. Compared to day 1 it is 80% gone, and even comparing to yesterday - it got better.
I was instructed to keep doing this for 2 weeks - until the time of my next checkup. Surviving like this, until then and even going there seems IMPOSSIBLE.
Thank you so much for taking the time to review and help me with this issue. I also want to say sorry for any bad instances of my use of the english language.
Hope everyone has a great day.

So it's my senior year now and I want to share this story. It was my freshman year(I was 14-15 for non Americans) and my entire childhood I've had mild to moderate medical issues. A good chunk of my life, doctors never knew what was up with me bc I had a lot of stomach pain after eating just about anything. I also had a lot of acid reflux issues that would render me in agony for solid hours at a time. It was early, first or second period, when I had to go to the nurse. It felt like razors were cutting up my insides it was so bad. This lady didn't even take my temp (they're required to whenever anyone comes into the nurse at my school) and sends me back to class, saying "you'll be fine, it's just a Monday" I get through most of the day-though couldn't eat at lunch-and managed through the rest of the day. When I get to my ma's car, I'm barely able to walk it was so bad. Thus, I'm rushed to the ER. My ma was worried my appendix ruptured with the pain I was in. I barely remember most of the hospital visit cuz they doped me up on pain meds, but I remember a CT, ultrasound, a damn x-ray and they couldn't figure it out. Day 2, some doc takes the time to talk to me and I was diagnosed with a condition that means my stomach lining is thin and dosent keep the stomach acid from eating my stomach, and acid reflux is an almost constant pain for me. Turns out ur not supposed to be in pain when eating anything. After a few days, I get some meds to help with my stomach and I'm back to school. I sometimes have to drop by the nurse to lay down bc my stomach is healing from being digested and lemme tell you, that hurts. My mother had a word with the nurse who apparently didnt even notify her abt my complaints (also another requirement in my school). But every time she saw me, she refused to make eye contact. She had a lot of complaints from other students and She retired a year later. It was a Tuesday when this happened, just to add
Will also say, if you have irregular stomach pain and regular acid reflux, don't thing that's normal. Dear gods it's not

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GrEeTsAtaN !

EnJoyThe #SPeCiaL $oFa rarE GenUiNeGeNiUs ,WhIchYoUwiLlNeVERmeEt(AgAiN)inYoUrWhOleZiKrOfLiFeLiVe; BeCaUseTheProBaBiLiTyIsAlMoStZETROpReCeNt..! SoEnJoyThE HoNoUr oF #Inna_Ivanova $aTtEnDanCeOn #PaTreoN ..!! _ u/ViennaCOMIX u/Patreon #Comix _ #Vienna _25.05.2024_ #Sa .

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_ FOrAlLZiKrOfSaNyWhErEInnaDoNOtCaRe;

INNApproachable #UNRESPONSIVE #BuSy #termINNAtingZikrofhead #InOtHeRSpAcE #OutofSyStem #NotabLeToBabbLe #InStrAnGeDiMeNsIoN #WORKING #BeHinDYoUwiThAwEaPoN #UnReAcHaBlE #ToHIgHFoRZiKrOfBrAin #ProDucInG #InOthErDiMeNsiOn #OutOfOrDer #OutOfZiKrofSyStem #iNPaRalElDiMenSioN #HaiLsAtAn #BOOKEDOUT !

I've noticed alot of people naming random places, so here's the rundown on how to actually name things in Nodhish!
^{I made this because people kept getting it wrong, and this might prevent future hiccups.}
Warning: semi-long post (but it's also semi-important, so idk)

Alphabet: A Æ B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S Ŋ T U V W X Y Z

(X and Æ are only for borrowed and old words. They can not be used in newer words)

Accents

Nodhish has 2 accent types: umlauts and macrons.
Umlauts show when 2 vowel sounds don't interact. The accent is usually placed on the second vowel.
^{For an example \}in English), a word like "doing," or "being" would have it ("doïng," "beïng") because not having it (at least in this context) makes it pronounced "doyng," and "bang.")
macrons denote "length" (this is separate from double letters (see how below)). They basically just change the sound of the vowel.

Unlike English

(explained with example), "ade" isn't pronounced /aid/, it's pronounced "ah-deh." Letters almost never interact and change each other (except for diphthongs listed below)

K and Q are the same, but:

If it's at the start of a word, or after hard vowel (a, ā, æ, o, ō, u, ū), put a K. If it's at the end of a word, or after a soft vowel (e, ē, i, j, y), put a Q. (Whether it's at the start or end takes precedence over which letters are before it)

S and C are the same, but:

If it's before a hard vowel (a, ā, æ, o, ō, u, ū) or a consontant, put an S. If its before a soft vowel (e, ē, i, j, y) put a C.

Pronunciation (in IPA):

A = /ɑ/
E = /ɛ/
I = /ɪ/
O = /ɒ/
U = /ʌ/
Ā = /æ/
Ē = /i/
Ō = /oʊ/
Ū =
Æ = /æ/
āū/au = /aʊ/
oo = /oʊ/
ee = /ɔɪ/
ej = /eɪ/
W = /w/
J = /j/
Y = /aɪ/
Ŋ = /ŋ/
Th = /θ/
Dh = /ð/
Sh = /ʃ/
Zh = /ʒ/
Kh/qh = /ʧ/
Gh = /ʤ/
In English, "er" = /ə, but in Nodhish, it's "ur."
(Every other letter that hasn't been listed is pronounced the same as English)
And although they're spelled "Nodhland" and "Nodhish," they are pronounced just "nodlənd," and "noddish" (not "noðish"). ^\This is the English pronunciation. It follows the rules in the Nodhish pronunciation))

Correcting the names I've seen:

^\Please note that this is just how Nodhish works))
Benkstahd = Bejŋkstad
Gersthor = Gursthor

Nodhish has very strange rules

But I needed to post this because there's an entire language based on it, so it's actually really necessary.
If enough people ask, I will release Nodhish into the public (and you'll get to speak it)!

Thank you for your time.

I am still NOT the Original Poster. That is u/amme04. She posted in AITAH, poor and TwoXChromosomes
Previous BORU posts are here, here and here. I removed some of the relevant comments to save space. New Updates start with ****\*

A reminder that this sub has the 7 day waiting period, so the last update is 7 days old. This is a LONG, dark post.

Trigger Warnings: attempted murder; domestic violence; stalking; possible child predation; attempted kidnapping
Mood Spoiler: bleak and will make you hate the justice system
Original Post: November 30, 2023
I don’t know if i watch too many crime shows or if I’m just paranoid so I’ve come here to ask. Last week I made chicken gnocchi soup. When it was almost done I started helping my daughter with a school project. She got us both a bowl and a few seconds later my bf runs into the room with a bowl and tells me to eat the bowl he has. I told him it was all the same and he insisted that he wanted mine because it had more chicken. Thinking back now I don’t know how he would know that considering my daughter dished it out. My daughter took the bowl he gave me and said she would eat it. He yanked it out of hand and said “no it’s for mom”.
I took the bowl and he went to the living room. I continued doing my daughter's project and told her not to eat the soup. 20ish minutes later I walked into the kitchen to pour the soups out and he was still eating his. He asked why we didn’t eat any and I said the cat got into it while we were waiting for it to cool down. He screamed “WHAT!? Was it your bowl !?! Cats can’t eat that!?”. I told him it was only a lick but he has been stressed out watching the cat like a hawk, obsessive even. His reaction was very weird.
These "accidents" all happened before the soup incident over the span of 6 months. It wasn't one after another in a short period of time. Since then my emergency money has gone missing. I keep money hidden just in case. I lost my older sister because she wasn’t able to escape a dangerous situation and I literally swore on her grave I would never be in that position. After the soup incident I went to get my money and it was gone. It was hidden and I changed the location every few months. I asked my daughter if maybe she found it and that if she took it I wouldn’t be mad because I knew she couldn’t have spent it. She said no. A few hours later she tells me she forgot but the other day her and my bf got pulled over and she saw my pink wallet in his glove box. I did not tell her which wallet it was in or that it was in a wallet.
I decided to ask him if he found it by accident. He asked me why I was hiding a large amount of money, “you know you could never leave me” and laughed. (He has never said anything like that before). I told him it was for my daughters Christmas. He said no he didn’t find the money but could use his credit card for gifts. I didn’t tell him about my daughter seeing my wallet in his car. Now here are a few other things that have happened in the past few months that seemed random at the time but now they don’t.
I have a severe allergy to latex. One day we were about to have sex and I glanced at the mirror we have by our bed and saw the condom wrapper was a different color. I stopped him because it wasn’t latex free and he said it was a mistake and just an older one he had. We have been dating for over 2 years and he knows how serious my allergy is. My epipen that I keep in my room is missing and I didn’t realize it. I didn't realize it was missing until I was searching for my money.
Another odd thing is one day he was following me down the stairs while I was carrying laundry and he kicked the back of my leg and I fell. He said he slipped but the stairs are wood and he was wearing his steel toe boots. At the time I thought it was an accident.
Am I overthinking this? My anxiety has been at an all time high. Do I watch too much true crime? Here is why I think I might be the asshole. We have a good relationship. He loves my daughter like she is his. We split all shared bills and we both pull our own weight around the apartment. We don’t fight. He has never so much as raised his voice at me. We are paycheck to paycheck but bills are paid.
I thought about going to my moms house for a few days and asking him when I get there when I’m safe about the money but I don’t have money to do that now. She is on a fixed income and can't help. I feel stupid for being scared. Last night I decided to check his car for my wallet and he caught me. I asked him for my money back and he tried playing dumb. I told him my daughter saw it there. He told me she was lying. I told him I never told her about the money or what wallet. He said he was a grown man and kids lie all the time. I asked him once more for my money and he said “I’m not giving you money to leave me”. I waited until he was in the shower to grab my cat and my daughter and we left.
I can’t take my cat with us to a shelter and the DV shelters are full. I was able to get us a night at a cheap motel. This exact situation is why I had money saved. I did everything right and now I’m screwed. I feel like I just blew up my entire life.
Yes I'm using a burner account and reading all the comments that I can.
Relevant Comment:
Several people accuse this of being obviously fake because events escalated too quickly and why would she be posting on reddit for advice:
"I'm not a character in a anonymous fucking story. I wasn't looking for advice, I was looking for confirmation I wasn't paranoid. You bet your ass I left as soon as he said my daughter was lying. Fuck off"
There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but it was pretty obviously NTA
Update Post 1: December 4, 2023 (4 days later)
A TL:DR; I think my boyfriend put something in my soup. After that incident I remembered a few months ago he almost used a latex condom knowing I’m severely allergic and I also remembered when he “accidentally” knocked me down the stairs. I started piecing things together and realized my epi pen was gone as well as a large amount of money I had hidden. My daughter saw my old wallet in his glove box and he denied it.
My post got alot of attention and my account was shadowbanned for a few days. I was able to appeal and get my account back because I’m not a bot or some AI. Now for the update.
The day after we left he sent me a picture of my epi pen and tried telling me it was in my nightstand the whole time. I tore that room apart looking for it so I KNOW for 100% fact it wasn’t there. He took it. He tried getting me to come back telling me I scared myself stupid and watched too many true crime TV. Something didn't feel right so I told him to put my money and epi pen in the mailbox. We went back and forth and he denied having my money. He then said “If we broke up you and Maria (my daughter) are no longer allowed in my apartment and will be treated like trespassers” and sent me a pic of his target practice sheets. I went to the police about the money and was told it was a civil issue. I was upset but wanted the rest of my stuff so I asked for an escort.
Yesterday I finally got an escort into the apartment with a cop and my landlord. He destroyed everything of my daughters and he ruined the laptop charger I use for work. No epi pen. My daughters medication and back up medical supplies were ruined. Our landlord let me off the lease without having to pay an early termination fee which is great considering I have no money. Motels are expensive. I don’t want to get rid of our cat. All shelters are full and this is scary as shit.
I’m sorry this is a shitty update but I know people wanted it.
Relevant Comments:
There has to be something that can be done about your daughter's meds:
"I'm beyond angry that nothing can be done. Insurance won't cover her medications or supplies until next month. She JUST got refills. I can get her meds but I'll pay out of pocket. I have no money. Since I couldn't prove my money existed I can't prove he stole it. I'm livid."
Restraining order?
"Nope not unless he gets physical with me. I should have let him hit me and I would have a lot more help available which is so fucked up."
Update Post 2: December 10, 2023 (6 days later, 10 days from OG post)
My OP got a lot of attention but then my account got shadowbanned and was temporarily removed. I just updated 5 days ago but this will be my final update because there is nothing anyone can do. I was encouraged to go back to the police station after my last update.
On Saturday December 9th I went back AGAIN. This time I printed out the threatening text messages that included the target practice sheets he sent, I explained in detail about the “accidents” proving he was trying to hurt me, and I even had my landlord put in writing that he believed our lives were in danger after seeing everything I was showing the police and let me leave my lease early. I brought in the destroyed medical supplies and medications.
The police said they had already talked to him and said he didn’t do any of it. He told them my daughter probably destroyed her stuff because she is “special ed”. She has very mild Asperger's but doesn’t destroy things! Since it was his word against mine they believed him. I didn’t have proof he stole the money or that it even existed in the first place. I was told the epi pen was my responsibility and they won’t do anything if it’s lost. I was told to “let it go” and acted like I was bothering the police with my “petty civil issues”.
I am so defeated and angry. My daughter isn’t going to have gifts for Christmas because I have to save for a new deposit on an apartment. We have been staying in motels while I was reaching out to DV resources. I can’t get help without a restraining orde police report. Every place is out of funds. He is getting away with everything and I’m so glad we got out because there is no doubt in my mind he would have gotten away with my murder.
I know this sounds like my last update but that is what happened…nothing new. No justice. No repercussions for him. He gets to stay in the apartment. My landlord offered me another unit across town but I can’t afford to move in. This exact situation is why I had money stashed away because no one has ever cared about me/us and I knew that. There is nothing else I can do.
Editor's note: OOP posted in another sub with the exact same information as above and no new update. However, she did add this clarification about shelters:
"All shelters are full. I found an organization who helps DV victims with housing but only if you have a police report and a restraining order. I guess they are tired of victims going back to their partner, safety reasons, or something. I was denied a restraining order because I had no proof. I’m scared, exhausted, and disappointed."
Update Post 3: December 28, 2023 (18 days later)
Title: I thought we were safe
Alot of people wanted a update so here it is. On Christmas he slashed my tires knowing I would have to pay out of pocket to replace them which I don’t have. Today he threw a heavy patio chair through the window of the place we were staying at to let me know he knew where we were and I was asked to leave for everyone's safety.
Except my daughter and I aren’t safe. I walked in the sleet/snow with my daughter and our cat and I felt vulnerable and like open prey so we came back to the police station to sit in the lobby until morning. Shelters are still full and I now have to disclose that he is dangerous anywhere we go. Police couldn’t find him but I know he has to be close.
I don’t know what his end game is.
Relevant Comments:
Can police direct you to a DV shelter?
"The shelters here are full so we are just sitting in the police station lobby. We are at least safe and warm so I'm grateful for that."
On donations:
"Donations aren't allowed here and my post could get removed because of it. I'm trying to stay awake and really just venting. I'm so frustrated that he keeps getting away with this shit."
Do you know how he keeps finding you? Have you checked for trackers?
"I honestly have no idea! He is supposed to have a new girlfriend too so IDK why he is messing with me and destroying property"
Reset your phone to factory settings:
"I got a cheap burner after we left. He doesn't have my number nor have I used it to call anyone so IDK how he is tracking me."
You said he sent you a photo of the epi pen after you left. How did he communicate that to you?
"He sent it through my email before I blocked it."
Update Post 4: January 1, 2024 (4 days later; a bit over 1 month from OG post)
Title: I found the air tag in the cat carrier
Please read my other posts for more context but a tl:dr; I’m pretty sure my ex was/is trying to kill me. There were a few instances that I wrote off as “accidents'' until I think he poisoned my soup that was specifically for me. On Christmas he found where we were staying and slashed my tires and threw a heavy patio chair and planter through a window. He still hasn’t been caught.
I checked everywhere I could think of and still couldn't figure out how he was tracking us. I blocked him on everything including email after he sent me pics of his target practice sheets among other things. I got a cheap burner phone. My daughter was out of school for winter break so he didn’t follow her or anything. I checked my car for a tracker. Still nothing.
I do not have an iphone so I couldn’t check whatever app a air tag is attached to. My cat is harness trained and wears a collar but there was no tracker. Until today I decided to “feel up” (sorry only way I can describe it) the carrier. I ran my fingers over every inch of it and felt a bump on the bottom soft side. There was no new stitching or obvious cut. He had to use a seam ripper along the stitching. It was undetectable and I almost missed it. He had to have had help because I’ve never seen him sew anything. Probably the same person who is letting him hide now.
If his excuse for the air tag was to track my cat he would have put it on his collar or harness because that is what he would wear when we go on walks/car rides. My cat would never go in his carrier unless I was planning on leaving for more than a few days. I have no idea how long it has been there nor do I know how far the tracker works but now we aren’t safe where we are, AGAIN. I feel disgusting and I feel like hunted prey. This is so unnerving and I’m so uncomfortable. Who the f*ck was I living with?
Relevant Comment:

I’m sorry but I don’t find it believable that he tracked you with an AirTag.

I don't know how airtags work and didn't say that is how he is tracking me, just that I found one. It doesn't make sense how he knew where we were.
Update Post 5: January 7, 2024 (6 days later, 5.5 weeks from OG post)
Title: I finally got the restraining order!
I’m hoping this update will make everyone as happy as it makes me! I was finally granted the restraining order. And we get the keys to our new apartment on the 11th. A place I can afford monthly and comes partially furnished. It’s in a super safe area right by my daughter's school. There is security!! We will spend our time living in our car until then and of course it has to be snowing but we are together and we have our kitty. This nightmare is almost over.
Update Post 5: February 2, 2024 (almost 1 month later)
Title: A restraining order didn't stop him
This morning he found me.
I've been sick as hell so after I dropped my daughter off at school I went straight home.
I didn't drive around to make sure no one was following me. I messed up.
He broke my nose and shattered my orbital bone. He is in jail. Sorry for this update ya'll.
Relevant Comments:
"Staying in the hospital for the night, I was pretty sick before this happened. My daughter is with a friend for the night. My landlord fixed the door as best he could and told me my cat wasn't in the apartment so I'm worried sick. I thought this was over, I'm so so so tired."
"I'm sure his mom will bail him out. Why can't he just move on? He took my money and my peace, what more can he take until he is satisfied?"
Commenter: Please pull your daughter out of her school and leave the state ASAP.

OOP: I so wish I could do this but we just moved into our new place. I should have just stayed with my mom (she lives in another state) but I didn't want to disrupt my daughters life too much. I have three dollars to my name so I can't leave.

You often can break leases without penalties in DV situations:

My previous landlord let me out of my lease without a penalty and my new one will too I just can't afford to move.

Update Post 6: February 4, 2024 (2 days later)
Title: Not being able to move even if my life depends on it
I know the importance of having money saved and I live within my means. How many of us is one disaster away from losing everything? A fire, job loss, a bank screw up, a late paycheck, illness, or someone stealing from you. I had money saved because I knew that any one of those things could happen and I wouldn't have anyone who could help me. And it did. Two months ago my ex tried poisoning me and stole the money I had saved. It’s been hell since. I was able to break my lease and leave. I went to my moms over Christmas break but I came back because I didn’t want to disrupt my daughters schooling and I underestimated my ex.
I was able to get an apartment through DV services very quickly which was a miracle. I know how hard it is to find housing and then try to come up with all the deposits a new place needs. I did it, the cards fell in my favor. But then I fucked up. On Friday I took my daughter to school and wasn’t diligent. I will usually drive around to make sure I’m not being followed. To be honest I started feeling crazy, paranoid, and angry I was wasting gas. Plus I have pneumonia and strep that I haven’t been able to pay for the antibiotics so I just went home to my bed.
He found me and broke my nose, shattered my orbital bone, and I have a concussion. I had a restraining order and he was arrested. I shared this on another sub and everyone telling me to move, leave, RUN. Except I can’t do that. It’s hard trying to explain that to people for them to understand because it sounds like excuses, like I like living in fear or something. I can’t pull money out of thin air. My credit card is maxed. I contacted DV services at the hospital and because I just got help, I can’t get it again.
The thing I didn’t know about abusive men is that they don’t just move on or stop. There are DV shelters but they are full. I wish people would understand that I know how serious this is but money doesn’t grow on trees. Even if a life depends on it.
Relevant Comments:
Will your parents really not help you?
I only have my mom who lives out of state. She is on a fixed income so she can't help me. We could stay with her but at this point I'm out of luck and nothing worth a damn to sell.
You need to disappear:
Honestly how? I'm not going to get anywhere on foot.
Update Post 7: February 15, 2024 (11 days later, 2.5 months from OG post)
Title: He was with me to get to my daughter
It all makes sense now. If you need more context please read my past posts. In my first post I said how we had a normal relationship and he was never abusive, controlling, never raised his voice. The money that he ended up stealing was money I had hidden since before he even moved in. I was not hiding money to get away from him. I was not afraid of him. I lost my sister to DV and swore I’d never have that happen to me only to end up in that exact situation. We didn’t have this spectacular love that was filled with insane chemistry, nowhere near a “love of my life” situation which is why I was so confused by how desperate he got.
After he got arrested his mom went on a social media rant because I “got her baby locked up” and knew we were sleeping in my car so was telling her followers that if they find me to call her. Very bold and insane. One of my exes friends saw this and commented “Idk if you should be sticking up for him, he needs serious help”. I don’t know how I caught it before it was deleted but I reached out to him on my fake facebook.
Every time they were drinking he would talk about her and then laugh it off. It made his friends uncomfortable but they chalked it up to the booze. Two weeks ago when my daughter came to see me in the hospital she was distraught. It made sense because I looked like hell but she kept repeating over and over asking me why he did this to me. I think there was more to this and I’m frightened to my core. Remember he stole my epi pen and money but he destroyed almost everything of hers and I didn't understand it because she had nothing to do with the breakup.
Why did he destroy her medicine? Why did he destroy her clothes? Fucking why? Dont abusers threaten their victim into not saying anything or something is going to happen to someone/something they love? I’m sick to my stomach even writing that out. I don’t know where to go from here, how do I even begin a conversation about this with her? We are safe. I’m not worried about him finding us because he is still in jail which is great because I’m out of money. He wasn’t desperate and crazy because he was losing me, I think it was because of her.
Update Post 8: February 20, 2024 (5 days later)
Title: My ex is getting bailed out tomorrow
I'm so angry and scared.
I wish I had faith in the justice system and with cops because they are supposed to protect, right? Except that isn't always the case.
I'm tired of being hurt and I'm tired of being scared. Anxiety is on 100.
It's exhausting fearing my daughter and I's life.
Update Post 9: February 28, 2024 (8 days later, 3 months from OG post)
Title: How can I feel safer at home?
I know a lot of people are following my posts and will be disappointed in hearing that my ex was bailed out. I’m still healing from when he broke my nose and shattered my orbital bone. I know a restraining order is just a piece of paper because he ignored it when I was attacked and the police aren’t going to save me. For security I only have a door bar that slides under the knob. I don’t have a ring camera and I can’t buy a pew pew until I have extra funds. He made me sell it a year ago because he was “uncomfortable” with it being in the house. Another red flag I missed.
My question is what can I do to feel safer that doesn’t require money? Every night my daughter and I push the couch in front of the door but I’m worried that if there is a fire we can’t get out. I have myself worried sick to the point of painful stomach ulcers. I tried talking to my nearest neighbor but when I started explaining my situation and how it would be great if she could let me know if she sees anyone around my apartment she got weirded out. Which I get.
Just looking for some peace of mind, will that ever exist in my life again?
Update Post 10: March 6, 2024 (1 week later)
Title: AITAH or was this just a mistake?
Editor's note: I removed the first part of this as it is a recap of the previous posts
I know this is all I post about and if you want more context you can read my past posts. I feel like I need to tell someone what is happening so that it makes it feel real and that I’m not just upset and crazy for nothing. My ex got out on bail last week. My daughter and I already left the new apartment we had moved into after he attacked me.
My daughter's school knows about my situation and knows I have a restraining order. Today my daughter got a call from the front office at school. The secretary told her that the pickup car had changed from mine to a new car. She was being told this so that when school let out she wouldn’t get upset when she didn’t see my car. The “new car” is the same one as my exes. It is a rare cacolor and she told me she knew it was his car. She didn’t say anything to the secretary or her teacher because she was instantly scared. It breaks my heart that she was in fear because she thought he had got me and was going to get her.
She was given the message hours before school let out so she spent all that time worrying. The last ten minutes of the day is when the kids can use the bathroom and clean up. She started crying infront of her whole class and when the bell rang she refused to leave her classroom. I was in the carpool line when I got the call from her teacher.
I have never seen her so upset and that is saying a lot because she was so upset when she visited me in the hospital. Face beet red, hyperventilating, snot everywhere, she had cried so hard she got a nosebleed. After they told me what happened I was livid. It all sounded like bullshit because the secretary never should have relayed the message without talking to me first since she said it was a male on the phone. As soon as the secretary looked my daughter up to find out which room to call she should have seen the message I thought I had saying no one should ever pick her up but me. No information should ever be released.
“He was never in contact with her so it’s not that big of a deal, it was a mistake” is what they told me. All he had to give was her full name and what grade she was in to get a message to her. They said that to me with a straight face while the bruises he gave me were very visible proving he is a violent man. I’m so f*cking angry. She told me she knew I didn’t get a new car because as much as I try to hide it from her she knows I’m broke. She thought she was going to have to go with him. She has been so traumatized and I don't know what to do. She wants to switch to e learning but since it’s not a medical reason and not a school wide restriction I would have to pay to rent the laptop. Which I obviously can’t.
The school is calling it an innocent mistake and didn't even apologize. I know I'm the only one responsible for my daughter and I’s safety but damn if people could stop jeopardizing it like it’s nothing and then acting like I’m the asshole for being upset because it was a “mistake”. He wasn’t there after school but he could have.
Update Post 11: March 7, 2024 (Next Day)
Title: He is never going to stop terrorizing us
Editor's note- This is an almost word for word repost of the above post. I've kept it here for the timeline but also to include relevant Comments.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: I hate to blatantly ask but did you ever find your cat?

OOP: Hi yes I have my cat!

Commenter: Have you contacted your mother, does she know what’s going on? I don’t know what your relationship with her is like but would she willing to help in any capacity

OOP: The only thing she can assist with is a room for us to stay in which is great but not if I can't get there. My daughter is refusing to go to school. I don't know what to do.

*****Update Post 12: April 1, 2023 (3.5 weeks later)****\*
I've had a few people asking so I wanted to update. I can now confidently say that my daughter, cat, and I are safe and will continue to be from here on out. I can start rebuilding without fear. I'm not okay but we are safe.
Update Post 13: April 23, 2024 (3 weeks later, almost 5 months from OG post)
Title: I’ve spent the last 4 months running for my life
I just want to say that if anyone is going through something similar to me, you can vent to me. This is something you have to experience to understand how hard it is. I know there are DV resources but they are extremely limited. I had someone on here “checking in” with me and when I explained what was going on I was asked “why aren’t you stable yet” and it kinda took me off guard. Only a few people knew I was pregnant through this.
I left my home with basically nothing and went to a hotel and he found me, I went to another hotel and he found me, I went to a safe house for two nights where I was asked to leave because my ex was dangerous, slept in my car with my daughter, went to my moms out of state, came back to my home state because that is where DV resources helped with a apartment, he followed me back to my apartment from my daughters school, I was hospitalized when he broke my nose, shattered my orbital bone, and gave me a concussion. I had to leave that apt, back to hotels and sleeping in my car, and finally back to my moms. So much money feels wasted. I have the opportunity to be added onto her new lease but it’s a bigger unit and requires a first/last deposit (impossible unless I rob a bank). The pet deposit is already paid.
But I only have until the 1st or we are back to living in the car because we have exceeded our “visitation” days. A year lease where my rent would only be $500 a month, utilities maybe $150? I’d be saving so much money and be able to rebuild my life. We would all have our own rooms which means privacy! Even though we are all female, privacy is precious. I haven’t slept in a bed since the hotel beds but even then it wasn’t “my” bed. It’s been my car, hotel bed, or the couch. Even when we were briefly in our new place I still slept on the couch with it pushed against the front door.
I know all my posts are about the same thing, one thing after another, and yes it IS exhausting and repetitive but think about how I feel. I’m desperate for stability and I can’t get it because he took so much from me. It wasn’t until I was out of “our” house and away from him for me to see how much power he had over my life. It’s embarrassing. Even if I have to go back to living in my car I’ll still be around to talk and I’ll still be optimistic because I deserve good things to happen to me that aren't only in my dreams.
Clarification on the air tag:
There was! Someone helped him put one in my cat's carrier because he knew if I was going to leave, I'd never leave my cat behind.
Update Post 14: May 21, 2024 (1 month later, almost 6 from OG post)
Title: The vet gave my abuser my location
I want to say this was a genuine mistake and not done with malicious intent but I still need to vent about it. Just like my daughter's school letting my abuser give her a message, this was an accident but accidents put my life in danger and I’m exhausted. I post about my situation alot and despite a few users thinking my ex would find my reddit, I’m not worried about that. However, I am terrified of him knowing where I am. He has gone through a restraining order, police don’t scare him, and when he got/gets arrested he will just get bailed out. I knew the only way I could live a normal life was getting as far away from him as possible.
So I took my daughter and cat and moved in with my mom a few states away. I was 100% confident that he didn’t know where I was because they never met, we were actually estranged for a few years before my ex and I even got together. I started feeling safe. I stopped jumping when I heard loud trucks. I was starting to get comfortable even though not alot of time had passed.
A few days ago my cat's back legs stopped working and he lost control of his bodily fluids.I was working but my mom rushed him to the ER vet. There were questions she couldn’t answer so they asked if he was chipped. He is but I changed my number a few times lately so one of the two numbers was out of service so they called the second one. I forgot to remove his number, I know this is my fault. The vet called him to get information and he didn’t give any information and hung up on them. The receptionist said he called back about 5 minutes later and said “I know she doesn’t have money. Tell her I’ll save her cat if she comes home”.
He knows how much my cat means to me. He found me the first time I left because his mom helped him sew an air tag into the lining of the cat carrier. He knew if I was to ever leave him I wouldn’t leave my cat. One time my ex threw him out of the house to hurt me while I was at work he refused to leave the porch. My ex then tried squirting him with a water bottle and when that didn’t work, he sprayed him with the hose. He basically got waterboarded and still would not leave.
He is my soul cat. When I got to the vet and they told me what happened I had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in awhile. I’ve had my cat for ten years and he has never gotten sick or injured. He has a UTI and a fractured foot from falling. The vet thinks he probably got his foot hurt first and that led to the UTI since he wasn’t using the litter box. I noticed he was slightly limping a few days ago but I couldn’t get him into the vet yet. The UTI developed quickly. I was naive in thinking the vet would save a pet's life even if the owner can’t pay upfront but it isn’t like a human going into the ER.
I’ve spent so much money and time trying to get away from my ex while also trying to live a normal safe life for my daughter. Once again something happens and he now knows the city we are in. I’m not running again because I can’t. I don’t think he will drive up here because like I said I’m a few states away but man did this bring back my paranoia and irrational fear.
I changed the chip information but the damage is done, I was a fucking idiot for not doing it sooner. This is my fault, I'm so damn tired.
Relevant Comments:
Commenter: Why did they use the microchip to get your number? Did your mom not have your most recent number to give them or something? Could you not be reached at work? That’s just weird to me.

OOP: My mom was flustered because she knew the ER vet was going to be expensive and knew I couldn't pay but she couldn't answer any questions because she didn't know. Didn't know how old he was or if he had his shots. I can't take my phone into my work building and she didn't know the manager's phone number.
I was able to pay partial with scratchpay but not all which is heartbreaking. A broken heart and frustrating anger is what I feel too.

Commenter: I just don’t understand why the vet would go through the trouble of scanning the chip and calling the numbers on there instead of just asking your mom for your number?? Seems like a lot of grief could have been avoided and the clinic had to do more work to call a company and get the phone numbers.

OOP: I've had to change my number over 6 times in a three month time span, my mom didn't know it off the top of her head.

Commenter: If you are communicating with your mom it would be in her phone. If it changes so often, the last number in her phone would be more accurate than a microchip which is less likely to be updated. This is very strange.

OOP: I was at work, I can not have my personal phone on me and my cat was having a medical emergency. My mom didn't know how old my cat is or if he had his shots. They had alot of questions she had no answer to so they scanned the chip to get information.

Editor's note: Some people commented on the first BORU that OOP's ex was a police officer. However, I can't find anything in OOP's posts or comments that confirms this, nor has she said anything about it. (Nothing shows up when checking deleted comments either.) It's definitely possible, but I just wanted to address it here since it was brought up so often.

Happy Tuesday, Barkada --

The PSE lost 48 points to 6572 ▼0.7%

Shout-out to xavie.ron and Jing for the crying Bato meme appreciation, to Darius IV, Rod Leaf, Lemuel Gazo Tatad, and Ernest Vincent C. Abanes for pointing out the dead link to the newsletter (Mailchimp was down!), to Dino de los Santos for having the opposite problem to me (crypto port underperforming real ports), to Tenkan Sen for thinking that there was a technical problem that kept my COMING UP section so short (nope, I just didn't "feel" the news!), to onej for the wise words ("Sometimes (coin)shits happen"), and to arkitrader for the rage-inducing Bato GIF.
For those who missed yesterday's post, here's the link again. Mailchimp is back up!

▌In today's MB:

• PREIT Q1 div: +9% y/y, -16% q/q
• Okada Manila thinking 2025 IPO
• Coal Asia board approves par value change
• DoF Secretary: rates "maybe" down 150 bps in 2 years

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▌Main stories covered:

• [DIVS] PREIT declares odd Q1 dividend... Premiere Island Power REIT [PREIT 1.92 ▼2.0%; 13% avgVol] [link] declared a Q1/24 dividend of ₱0.0326/share, payable on June 28 to shareholders of record as of June 11. The dividend has an annualized yield of 6.79%, which is considerably smaller than the 7.92% annualized yield PREIT had based on its Q4/23 dividend and its previous closing price. The total amount of the dividend is ₱107 million, which is 90% of the ₱119 million in distributable income PREIT reported for the quarter. The dividend is 9% larger y/y but 16% smaller q/q.
  
  • MB: *It’s confusing to have this much variability between quarters for a REIT that is just a passthrough of several leases. PREIT’s income isn’t a function of how much the operating powerplants on the land earn, it’s just basic lease income paid by the operating companies to PREIT. The company’s Q1 Quarterly Report doesn’t reveal any kind of significant change, but it’s worth mentioning that the management’s comments in this section are constrained to comparing Q1/24 to Q1/23, not Q4/23, where the questions arise. I can look past the boomer-ish diagonal scan of the Quarterly Report that kills my CTRL-F ability, but I can’t look past the management’s comfort in declaring a dividend like this without comment. PREIT is earning that Villar discount.
• [NEWS] Okada Manila thinking about 2025 IPO... Okada Manila (OKADA) [link] is reportedly considering an IPO in 2025 that would be worth between ₱29 billion and ₱43 billion. The sources said that Universal Entertainment, OKADA’s Japan-based operator, pushed back its original plan to list in H2/24 to allow Universal Entertainment to refinance its debt.
  
  • MB: Gaming and tourism are hot right now and have the government’s blessing, so perhaps OKADA is just looking to raise some cash to expand quickly. While this listing is just at the “pillow talk” phase, it’s possible to see the outline of a deal that whitewashes some debt while also giving OKADA the financial clearance to pull the trigger with two barrels on buying *Dennis Uy's** distressed assets lurking inside PH Resorts [PHR 0.93 ▲2.2%; 53% avgVol]. All of this is just speculation on my part. There’s no prospectus or anything to read, just some hype from a casino operator. Which seems appropriate.
• [NEWS] Coal Asia Holdings board approves 10-for-1 stock split... Coal Asia Holdings [COAL 0.20 unch; 22% avgVol] [link] disclosed that its board approved a measure that would change the par value of its capital stock from ₱1.00/share to ₱0.10/share. COAL said this was to “improve liquidity” and “boost investor interest”, which together would “shore up the marketability” of COAL’s stock. A reduction in par value from ₱1.00/share to ₱0.10/share works like a 10-for-1 stock split, in that it increases the number of outstanding COAL shares by a factor of 10 without changing the proportional value of any investor’s holdings. The change in par value still needs to be approved by shareholders and the SEC before it becomes a PSE reality.
  
  • MB: COAL is one of the PSE’s no-income zombie companies. It has over 17 million metric tonnes of coal reserves, but has not produced any coal for years as it has largely squatted on its coal operating contracts. Notably, COAL missed the massive pump in the price of coal that *Semirara Mining and Power** [SCC 33.20 ▲0.5%; 52% avgVol] shareholders rode to great success (and fat dividends). I have no idea what COAL is planning, but I do know that converting COAL’s stock price from ₱0.20/share to ₱0.02/share is not likely to inspire a huge amount of investor interest on its own. It’s like in the 90s when videogames went through their score creep (why award 10 points for a hit, when 100,000 looks so much better). Crypto went through the same hollow phase where bagholders could buy seven trillion coins for $200. At the end of the day, dividing the value of the company across 10x the number of shares doesn’t make buying 0.01% of the company any cheaper. It just makes it look like a shitcoin.
• [NEWS] DoF Secretary expects rates to come down “maybe 150 bps in the next two years”... Department of Finance Secretary Ralph Recto [link] said that he doesn’t “expect interest rates to go any higher”, and that “they will start to go down, maybe 150 bps in the next two years”. Mr. Recto said that it’s possible for the Monetary Board to start cutting rates this year, with additional cuts to come in 2025. As Secretary of the DoF, Mr. Recto is a member of the Monetary Board which is the BSP body charged with making periodic adjustments to the interest rate.
  
  • MB: *Will the BSP beat the US Federal Reserve to the pivot punch? The BSP has said that it would look to cut rates by 25 basis points this August with a second 25 bp cut sometime in Q4, and the prevailing belief is that the Federal Reserve will make its first cut in September. On the one hand, it sounds great to be talking about specific dates and big 150 bp drops, but on the other hand, it’s not like we haven’t been here before. We’ve spent most of the year waiting for that first cut to come, but inflation has not been a polite houseguest. We’ve long since cleaned the room, washed the dishes, and changed into our pajamas to try to make inflation take the hint. Our only move is to simply wait until inflation has been invading our home for long enough that all our behaviors and routines incorporate inflation, and then we can consider him part of the new normal. That’s basically what will happen when inflation falls into the target range. Inflation isn’t going away. We’re just going to consider him a member of the household.

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