Ear pain throat pain body aches no fever
Subreddit of the Dead
2012.07.08 02:07 hugemuffin Subreddit of the Dead
The outbreak has begun, the dead are coming back to life, the survivors are organizing. What are you doing?
2014.09.19 01:24 healthyalmonds Staphylococcus aureus bacteria colonizing the body: the unifying agent of acute and chronic disease
Staphylococcus aureus is a bacteria that can live in the nostrils, ears, mouth, tonsils, and skin. It may cause or be associated with your congestion, swollen lymph nodes, sinus problems, sore throat, eczema, rosacea, acne, cystic pimples, folliculitis, bowel disease, chronic fatigue, diabetes, lupus, weight gain, hair loss, and other diseases. Chlorhexidine, iodine, or Triple Antibiotic Ointment (Neosporin) may stop the Staph infection. See inside for more information.
2024.05.21 15:55 squiggle-maker I don’t know what type of doctor to see next - long term pain, no diagnosis
I don’t know what type of doctor I should see. Post menopausal woman, bmi 24, no history of any significant health issues. Healthy diet, regular exercise (usually walking).
I’ve been having abdominal pains and back pain on right side. They are not severe, they’re very similar to pain I had prior to menopause. Menopause was 13 years ago, this pain started 4 years ago. It was small at first and is gradually increasing in duration and intensity. It’s pretty much always there, though intensity varies
So far I have seen my primary care doctor, then the doctor who replaced them after they retired. Had CT scan and an MRI of upper abdomen, plus typical bloodwork. Nothing found. Two gynecologists say it’s not a gyn problem. Had a colonoscopy two years ago, no issue. A year ago the gastro dr did a test for blood in stool, no blood found.
Primary care chalked it up to adhesions, but the only surgery I have had was close to thirty years ago, and the way this pain is, doesn’t seem like that is a logical diagnosis. For example, it hurts even if I sit or lay still. Movement doesn’t matter, probing doesn’t matter, it is not bone/joint, it’s a deep inner ache. It seems unrelated to eating.
No one has any idea what is causing the pain but I’ve got a bad feeling about it, and I do not know what type of physician I should see. I can live with the pain but I want to know what it is, because I am worried.
Any advice of who to see next?
submitted by squiggle-maker to AskDocs [link] [comments]
I’ve been having abdominal pains and back pain on right side. They are not severe, they’re very similar to pain I had prior to menopause. Menopause was 13 years ago, this pain started 4 years ago. It was small at first and is gradually increasing in duration and intensity. It’s pretty much always there, though intensity varies
So far I have seen my primary care doctor, then the doctor who replaced them after they retired. Had CT scan and an MRI of upper abdomen, plus typical bloodwork. Nothing found. Two gynecologists say it’s not a gyn problem. Had a colonoscopy two years ago, no issue. A year ago the gastro dr did a test for blood in stool, no blood found.
Primary care chalked it up to adhesions, but the only surgery I have had was close to thirty years ago, and the way this pain is, doesn’t seem like that is a logical diagnosis. For example, it hurts even if I sit or lay still. Movement doesn’t matter, probing doesn’t matter, it is not bone/joint, it’s a deep inner ache. It seems unrelated to eating.
No one has any idea what is causing the pain but I’ve got a bad feeling about it, and I do not know what type of physician I should see. I can live with the pain but I want to know what it is, because I am worried.
Any advice of who to see next?
2024.05.21 15:53 ComprehensiveTea9228 Sensitive to paracetamol? Do I need to seek further treatment?
I'm British 34F, 156cm and maintain around 16% body fat. Eat a high protein and fibre diet, avoid eating UPF. No other medical conditions, never been to hospital before and usually slather white tiger balm or patches on my forehead for headaches.
I moved from Japan to SE Asia temporarily for work. After being here for 2.5 months I was getting the worst headaches of my life when my wisdom teeth started coming through. The headaches were concentrated above my left eye and blurred my vision in my left eye.
I went to a dentist within an English speaking hospital who said my wisdom teeth were fine but they recommended I went to the onsite pharmacy due to the headaches. They gave me 8/500mg co-codamol (effervescent tablets) and wrote 'Max 3 per day' on the packet in English.
I took 1 a day for the first 4 days, none of the 5th and 6th days and then took 1 a day for the following 4 days. 8 within 10 days.
The morning after I took the last tablet I woke up with jaundice - eye whites, face, chest, abdomen and arms. I also had diarrhoea, sore throat, lots of spots on my lower face, a different type of headache that felt more like swelling on the top of my head, feeling dizzy whenever I sat up/down and very fatigued.
I went to a different hospital and paid for a blood, kidney and liver test and was told it came back on the high side of normal. They said the dose I took wasn't consistent with my symptoms and I may be sensitive to paracetamol and may have Gilbert's syndrome. They said to come back if the jaundice worsened or I started feeling pain in my abdomen - thankfully neither happened.
It's now 8 days since I took the last tablet and I still have a hint of jaundice, it has gone down though and my skin is usually very cool toned. I still feel extremely tired, I usually exercise most days (rowing and weights) but at the moment my thighs and calfs feel exhausted after walking up 3 flights of stairs.
Do I need to do anything else/seek more medical attention? Will this damage my liver in the longterm? I'm here for another 6 weeks. Excuse the throwaway, a bit too personal for my main.
submitted by ComprehensiveTea9228 to AskDocs [link] [comments]
I moved from Japan to SE Asia temporarily for work. After being here for 2.5 months I was getting the worst headaches of my life when my wisdom teeth started coming through. The headaches were concentrated above my left eye and blurred my vision in my left eye.
I went to a dentist within an English speaking hospital who said my wisdom teeth were fine but they recommended I went to the onsite pharmacy due to the headaches. They gave me 8/500mg co-codamol (effervescent tablets) and wrote 'Max 3 per day' on the packet in English.
I took 1 a day for the first 4 days, none of the 5th and 6th days and then took 1 a day for the following 4 days. 8 within 10 days.
The morning after I took the last tablet I woke up with jaundice - eye whites, face, chest, abdomen and arms. I also had diarrhoea, sore throat, lots of spots on my lower face, a different type of headache that felt more like swelling on the top of my head, feeling dizzy whenever I sat up/down and very fatigued.
I went to a different hospital and paid for a blood, kidney and liver test and was told it came back on the high side of normal. They said the dose I took wasn't consistent with my symptoms and I may be sensitive to paracetamol and may have Gilbert's syndrome. They said to come back if the jaundice worsened or I started feeling pain in my abdomen - thankfully neither happened.
It's now 8 days since I took the last tablet and I still have a hint of jaundice, it has gone down though and my skin is usually very cool toned. I still feel extremely tired, I usually exercise most days (rowing and weights) but at the moment my thighs and calfs feel exhausted after walking up 3 flights of stairs.
Do I need to do anything else/seek more medical attention? Will this damage my liver in the longterm? I'm here for another 6 weeks. Excuse the throwaway, a bit too personal for my main.
2024.05.21 15:50 Wise_Builder_7733 The likelihood of things being worse than before
I don't understand how people get over the idea that any suicide method one could try, might easily end up with them in a worse situation than before. I mean there's nothing foolproof, right?
Guns and jumping? Paralyzation, brain damage, disfiguration, extreme excruciating pain from shattered bones and whatever else.
Hanging? Brain damage, fucking it up and hanging there and dying slowly and painfully from dehydration and starvation.
Pills causing whatever damage they do to your internal organs? Seems less threatening than the others but really isn't and correct dosage is tricky.
Whatever I think of, no matter how hard I try I can't get past the idea that if I think my life is bad now, I can only imagine how much worse it would be if a serious attempt went wrong.
I've made serious attempts but in this case, I mean something like, getting over the fear to pull the trigger, rather than just holding the gun in my hand and thinking about it. Gun jerks the wrong way, Bam, I'm missing an eye or half my throat now too! Great.
submitted by Wise_Builder_7733 to SuicideWatch [link] [comments]
Guns and jumping? Paralyzation, brain damage, disfiguration, extreme excruciating pain from shattered bones and whatever else.
Hanging? Brain damage, fucking it up and hanging there and dying slowly and painfully from dehydration and starvation.
Pills causing whatever damage they do to your internal organs? Seems less threatening than the others but really isn't and correct dosage is tricky.
Whatever I think of, no matter how hard I try I can't get past the idea that if I think my life is bad now, I can only imagine how much worse it would be if a serious attempt went wrong.
I've made serious attempts but in this case, I mean something like, getting over the fear to pull the trigger, rather than just holding the gun in my hand and thinking about it. Gun jerks the wrong way, Bam, I'm missing an eye or half my throat now too! Great.
2024.05.21 15:44 Dansco112 The Death of the Witness
The Death of the Witness by Joel Lane
Published and excerpted from The Earth Wire (1994) by Joel Lane
submitted by Dansco112 to Extraordinary_Tales [link] [comments]
Published and excerpted from The Earth Wire (1994) by Joel Lane
Around five in the morning, Sarah gave up trying to sleep. Thin sunlight reached through the bars across the window frame. She dressed and went out onto the balcony, which overlooked most of the estate. It was still chilly; the sun hadn't yet heated the dark pebble-dashed walls. There was a strange smell in the air, something like petrol or turpentine or white spirit. Sarah breathed in deeply. From the city centre, she could hear the vague hissing and scraping sounds of traffic. Nobody was visible in the courtyard, or anywhere on the grid of little roads that divided up the estate. When she looked down from the balcony, the side of the building tilted forward like a giant ship. With an effort, Sarah kept her feet and stepped back into the doorway. The sunlight flashed in her eyes like a camera; when she looked away, focusing on a place where she didn't normally look, she noticed the couple.
They were beyond the reinforced glass partition at the end of the walkway. They could have got there by climbing through the staircase window. Sarah walked up to the glass; they didn't seem to notice her. They were standing together, looking out into the tide of early morning light that glistened on their faces. A boy and a girl, no older than fourteen; both wearing T-shirts and ripped jeans. They were shivering. The boy was holding a Pyrex dish. Even from a distance, in the open air, Sarah could smell what they were smearing from it onto their hands, and onto each other's faces. Her vision blurred again, then came back into focus – as if she were watching two swimmers repeatedly break the surface of the water.
They were looking at her. Their eyes ate the sunlight. The girl reached up and peeled a scrap of pearl from the sky; she touched it onto the boy's face. They were painting each other with light. Sarah felt tears heating her eyes – prisms that broke and drained her, as though pain were only colours. The girl waved at her through the grid of wires in the glass. Still waving, she stepped to the edge of the parapet where there was no railing – and then crouched, tipping herself forward like a diver. Sarah didn't hear the sound the girl made when she hit the ground, seven floors below. She couldn't hear the traffic any more.
A few minutes later, the boy came out through the security door. He stumbled across the courtyard to the corner where the body lay, and knelt beside it for a while. Then he went back into the tower block, struggling with his key. An ambulance came silently a few minutes later. Two ment put the girl's body onto a stretcher and covered it. Standing on the balcony, Sarah watched until it was all over. The boy go into the back of the ambulance with the others. The engine started up, and the ambulance drove away. There was no siren. The iris-shaped smear of blood on the concrete paving grew darker as the sun climbed up the sky.
2024.05.21 15:37 teddy_vedder Unusual symptoms arising after abdominal (but not GI-related) surgery?
So I’m about 3.5 weeks post-op from having an orange-sized benign cyst removed from an ovary (the ovary survived). Given its size it had to be removed from a 3 inch abdominal incision instead of laparoscopically, and it was expected that things would be weird for a while given my organs needed to kind of fall back into place after being squished, and of course my body got thrown off by pain relievers and anesthetic etc.
I have IBS-C like 90% of the time (diarrhea makes a surprise appearance occasionally) which I manage fairly well if I stay on top of my miralax and colace regimen and avoid trigger foods/overeating. Obviously in the days immediately after surgery it was not great thanks to the opioids, as I did take all 12 prescribed pills of oxycodone over 4 days because I was in a decent amount of pain (having abdominal muscles cut is no joke). A double dose of miralax and a couple glasses of prune juice got things moving albeit uncomfortably.
However, around week 2 of my recovery, I was doing pretty well — eating normally and having normal bathroom habits (for me anyway). But I guess something(?) happened during week 3 and I’ve taken a turn for the worse, despite not really changing much in my routine.
I’m having some symptoms I usually don’t have: - reduced appetite 24/7 - bowel/gas pain during a meal, not just after - bowel movements where I feel constipated but what comes out is Bristol type 5 - tons of stomach gurgling and gas that is mostly unresponsive to anti-gas and acid reducer medication - dull headaches (but no fever) - lower back pain that comes and goes - keep waking up sweatier than is typical.
I’m used to feeling bloated but not used to my bowel movements being so soft and in small amounts at the same time.
Has anyone else had any whacked out digestion in weeks following a procedure? It was only day surgery, and I didn’t take any antibiotics following the surgery. I’ve been off opioids for almost 3 weeks. I will say I might have overdone it with ibuprofen as I was taking it prescription strength daily for close to 3 weeks, but I haven’t had any for about 5 days now and don’t feel any better other than my headaches being less severe. I also thought it might be caused by my period but it ended 2 days ago and I am still having unusual gut symptoms.
Basically wondering if this has occurred with anyone else and if so what did you do? I was hoping to try some things on my own first since my bills from the hospital are really piling up and more doctor visits this month would be financially difficult. I have called my GYN but they were dismissive and said come back in a month if it gets worse.
Part of me wonders if it’s pelvic floor dysfunction? But would that cause gas? I don’t know. Could the ibuprofen have wrecked my whole GI tract?
submitted by teddy_vedder to ibs [link] [comments]
I have IBS-C like 90% of the time (diarrhea makes a surprise appearance occasionally) which I manage fairly well if I stay on top of my miralax and colace regimen and avoid trigger foods/overeating. Obviously in the days immediately after surgery it was not great thanks to the opioids, as I did take all 12 prescribed pills of oxycodone over 4 days because I was in a decent amount of pain (having abdominal muscles cut is no joke). A double dose of miralax and a couple glasses of prune juice got things moving albeit uncomfortably.
However, around week 2 of my recovery, I was doing pretty well — eating normally and having normal bathroom habits (for me anyway). But I guess something(?) happened during week 3 and I’ve taken a turn for the worse, despite not really changing much in my routine.
I’m having some symptoms I usually don’t have: - reduced appetite 24/7 - bowel/gas pain during a meal, not just after - bowel movements where I feel constipated but what comes out is Bristol type 5 - tons of stomach gurgling and gas that is mostly unresponsive to anti-gas and acid reducer medication - dull headaches (but no fever) - lower back pain that comes and goes - keep waking up sweatier than is typical.
I’m used to feeling bloated but not used to my bowel movements being so soft and in small amounts at the same time.
Has anyone else had any whacked out digestion in weeks following a procedure? It was only day surgery, and I didn’t take any antibiotics following the surgery. I’ve been off opioids for almost 3 weeks. I will say I might have overdone it with ibuprofen as I was taking it prescription strength daily for close to 3 weeks, but I haven’t had any for about 5 days now and don’t feel any better other than my headaches being less severe. I also thought it might be caused by my period but it ended 2 days ago and I am still having unusual gut symptoms.
Basically wondering if this has occurred with anyone else and if so what did you do? I was hoping to try some things on my own first since my bills from the hospital are really piling up and more doctor visits this month would be financially difficult. I have called my GYN but they were dismissive and said come back in a month if it gets worse.
Part of me wonders if it’s pelvic floor dysfunction? But would that cause gas? I don’t know. Could the ibuprofen have wrecked my whole GI tract?
2024.05.21 15:33 oceanseaturtle_ Thoughts
Roughly 3 weeks ago, I was doing a lot of heavy lifting, while cleaning my basement. That evening, my back was feeling very tight. I used a back massager and was kneading the muscles, in between my shoulder blades. The device slipped and hit my spine. It hurt for a minute, but then stopped. However, that night I woke up with a dull ache and could not sleep. The pain stops during the day when I am up moving around. It gets worse if I am riding in the car for a long time, sitting for a long time and during the night, while sleeping. I am so frustrated because I am already going to a chiropractor for my neck, and I have an appointment with a specialist for my shoulder. (UNRELATED issues that I have been struggling with for months) I am SO FRUSTRATED, I do not have the time, nor money to see ANOTHER DOCTOR for a new issue. Does anyone have insight on why it feels better during the day when moving and then worse at night when I sit and sleep? I have no tingling and no sharp shooting pains. It is in and isolated area between shoulder blades. It is an aching feeling. I am just worried because I am on week 3. I usually go to power yoga, but have not been practicing, so it can heal.
submitted by oceanseaturtle_ to backpain [link] [comments]
2024.05.21 15:30 OwnRegister5480 Lesions around lower abdomen and perineum.
 | 4 month old Tibetan Mastiff pup developed hypo pigmented lesions as shown in the images around 4 weeks back. Not associated with fever, don’t seem to be painful/itchy or bothering him, no discharge. Our vet suspected a fungal etiology but gave no definitive answers, and recommended povudine iodine cream 10% w/w, local application daily. submitted by OwnRegister5480 to DogAdvice [link] [comments] Have not seen much improvement since 1.5-2 weeks of application, the lesions seem to be gradually progressive. He seems healthy otherwise- active, feeding well, listens(occasionally), although he is teething at the moment. Any help or answers regarding what these lesions could be and if any treatment is required would be much appreciated. |
2024.05.21 15:29 Lumpy_Tangerine_3076 Moms who had a rough first pregnancy, how many of you swore you'd never go through it again, and how many of you changed your mind?
I'm 38 years old, first pregnancy, IVF, 29 weeks, and I am pretty sure I'll never do this again. Yes, I'd do it again if it was for my little boy who I already love so much even in my belly, but I don't want to have a second child, at least not this way.
The first trimester was pretty crappy, but it was just nausea, and what made it really bad was not knowing how long it would last. The 2nd trimester was great. The moment I hit week 28, everything suddenly went downhill. It's as if my belly grew 2 sizes overnight. Walking is torture, and my vagina hurts like hell all the time. I'm always constipated, short of breath and no position, sitting down or laying down, is comfortable. I can't sleep at night. I don't have nausea, but I have this weird aversion towards lots of foods. Eating just never sits right. I'm huge. I was 75kg at the beginning, now I'm probably around 100. No bras fit me, because my boobs aren't super big, so the cup size is still only a B, but even the largest size they have doesn't go around. I feel disgusting and unappealing, like a whale. My husband doesn't want to have sex, which is fine, and I know it's because of the baby, not because he doesn't find me attractive in my current repugnant state, but it still hurts my ego. People keep commenting on how much weight I've put on. I still have 12 weeks to go and I'm worried about what kind of a Tammy Slaton I will turn into by then. Will I need a forklift to get around? All throughout the 2nd trimester, I was really active, hiking, biking, walking my dogs twice a day. Now walking down the block to the store to buy my snacks and be judged is enough to make me cry in pain. I'm sorry, but my vagina literally hurts from walking.
So I'm wondering, have any of you experienced something so bad during your pregnancies, that you actually went and got your tubes tied right after the baby was born? Again, I love this baby, but I feel like there has to be some sort of balance in life, and I also love myself enough not to put my body through this again willingly in the future, especially since I'm not super young anymore. I never struggled with weight gain before, I was always pretty slim and fit. It's not so much an aesthetic preference as that it feels bad to carry around this weight.
This is bad for me, to be clear, I do not mean this to be a fatphobic post! I find all the voluptuous and fat ladies out there who are happy and proud of their bodies incredibly beautiful, and you do you. This is only a problem for me personally. Please try to be understanding and don't rip me apart in the comments....
submitted by Lumpy_Tangerine_3076 to BabyBumps [link] [comments]
The first trimester was pretty crappy, but it was just nausea, and what made it really bad was not knowing how long it would last. The 2nd trimester was great. The moment I hit week 28, everything suddenly went downhill. It's as if my belly grew 2 sizes overnight. Walking is torture, and my vagina hurts like hell all the time. I'm always constipated, short of breath and no position, sitting down or laying down, is comfortable. I can't sleep at night. I don't have nausea, but I have this weird aversion towards lots of foods. Eating just never sits right. I'm huge. I was 75kg at the beginning, now I'm probably around 100. No bras fit me, because my boobs aren't super big, so the cup size is still only a B, but even the largest size they have doesn't go around. I feel disgusting and unappealing, like a whale. My husband doesn't want to have sex, which is fine, and I know it's because of the baby, not because he doesn't find me attractive in my current repugnant state, but it still hurts my ego. People keep commenting on how much weight I've put on. I still have 12 weeks to go and I'm worried about what kind of a Tammy Slaton I will turn into by then. Will I need a forklift to get around? All throughout the 2nd trimester, I was really active, hiking, biking, walking my dogs twice a day. Now walking down the block to the store to buy my snacks and be judged is enough to make me cry in pain. I'm sorry, but my vagina literally hurts from walking.
So I'm wondering, have any of you experienced something so bad during your pregnancies, that you actually went and got your tubes tied right after the baby was born? Again, I love this baby, but I feel like there has to be some sort of balance in life, and I also love myself enough not to put my body through this again willingly in the future, especially since I'm not super young anymore. I never struggled with weight gain before, I was always pretty slim and fit. It's not so much an aesthetic preference as that it feels bad to carry around this weight.
This is bad for me, to be clear, I do not mean this to be a fatphobic post! I find all the voluptuous and fat ladies out there who are happy and proud of their bodies incredibly beautiful, and you do you. This is only a problem for me personally. Please try to be understanding and don't rip me apart in the comments....
2024.05.21 15:28 canyounot-- I'm afraid no one will ever want me because I'm trans
i know i'm young (19ftm) but it always nags at me in the back of my mind that no one will ever like me, let alone like me BACK, because my body will forever be incomplete. i'm all mixed on what i want my body to look like but i fully identify as male. i plan on getting top surgery, vocal training, facial structure changes, T, yes, but i don't wanna get phalloplasty. i never want to reproduce ever and i wish to have zero chance of getting pregnant no matter what, but i prefer keeping my vagina, despite the fact that i also hate it at the same time (periods) so i wonder if there's a middle ground.
being gay is hard enough considering that things like dating apps for gay guys are hornier than something i would wanna openly look for, but i also have a turbulent personality alongside having this weird desire to be softer (doing my nails, surrounding myself in cute plushies, caring for my skin and hair, buying flowery sweet scents, geeking out on hyperfixations, etc.) while also trying to be masculine (weightlifting, buying muskier scents, trying to frame my hair in a way that will make my face appear "manlier", having a super competitive nature, strictly wanting to be referred to as a man and with he/him pronouns and nothing else under any circumstances).
i'm no twink but i'm super short in a way that will never get me passed off as a cis man no matter how hard i try and my natural voice fucking sucks. its so high-pitched. my friends say otherwise but i know theyre trying to make me feel better because they're trans and know what the voice dysphoria feels like.
i just wish i were cis. i wish i could do all the things i want without people questioning my gender identity. i wish i could be complete so that someone will want me for who i am and what i love to do. being trans comes with unique euphorias, but alongside that it comes with unique pains. i hate those pains so much. i get the feeling that i will die alone with no one to hold or be held by all because my way of expressing my transness isn't typical.
i'm not nonbinary by any means but the way people talk about nbs and mock them and their expression of self affects me too. the way ppl in my general vicinity through the years in all the places ive lived in have always talked about trans people in a way that isn't the most respectful. usually its with this subtle air of disgust or judgement for their lifestyle choices or whatever. even a little bit of hostility (i.e. "i would disown my son if he said he was so prissy" and "just wait till this man finds out she has a dick" kinds of humor). it's even reached my own household in a younger sibling and no one and nothing can sway his opinion. hopefully one day he'll grow out of this but its concerning and scary.
i wish this sub had more trans people speaking too, but that asks for too much. the majority of people here are cishet asking cishet questions for cishet answers and that makes it so much harder to look for advice here :/ while i wanna say i wish more of yall were like me, yall definitely dont wanna be like me lol
submitted by canyounot-- to Crushes [link] [comments]
being gay is hard enough considering that things like dating apps for gay guys are hornier than something i would wanna openly look for, but i also have a turbulent personality alongside having this weird desire to be softer (doing my nails, surrounding myself in cute plushies, caring for my skin and hair, buying flowery sweet scents, geeking out on hyperfixations, etc.) while also trying to be masculine (weightlifting, buying muskier scents, trying to frame my hair in a way that will make my face appear "manlier", having a super competitive nature, strictly wanting to be referred to as a man and with he/him pronouns and nothing else under any circumstances).
i'm no twink but i'm super short in a way that will never get me passed off as a cis man no matter how hard i try and my natural voice fucking sucks. its so high-pitched. my friends say otherwise but i know theyre trying to make me feel better because they're trans and know what the voice dysphoria feels like.
i just wish i were cis. i wish i could do all the things i want without people questioning my gender identity. i wish i could be complete so that someone will want me for who i am and what i love to do. being trans comes with unique euphorias, but alongside that it comes with unique pains. i hate those pains so much. i get the feeling that i will die alone with no one to hold or be held by all because my way of expressing my transness isn't typical.
i'm not nonbinary by any means but the way people talk about nbs and mock them and their expression of self affects me too. the way ppl in my general vicinity through the years in all the places ive lived in have always talked about trans people in a way that isn't the most respectful. usually its with this subtle air of disgust or judgement for their lifestyle choices or whatever. even a little bit of hostility (i.e. "i would disown my son if he said he was so prissy" and "just wait till this man finds out she has a dick" kinds of humor). it's even reached my own household in a younger sibling and no one and nothing can sway his opinion. hopefully one day he'll grow out of this but its concerning and scary.
i wish this sub had more trans people speaking too, but that asks for too much. the majority of people here are cishet asking cishet questions for cishet answers and that makes it so much harder to look for advice here :/ while i wanna say i wish more of yall were like me, yall definitely dont wanna be like me lol
2024.05.21 15:27 Bosslayer9001 Getting a job sucks ass
For context, I'm a 16-year-old living in "socialist" Vietnam. For the uninitiated, you must think that we're a bunch of commies who're still singing praise about Mr. Ho Chi Minh whilst fighting off Agent Orange in guerilla warfare. If that's the case, then, oh boy, you couldn't be any further from the truth.
Last summer break, my dad offered me a position at a traditional Vietnamese food restaurant in the local AEON Mall branch for a month. He said that it would give me good work experience and color my CV, which I agreed with at the time. And so, like the 'pride of the family' that I was (yes, adults call all of their eldest/most academically adept children this in Vietnam), I decided to take him up on his offer. And, despite everything I've read about 9-5s on Reddit, nothing could've prepared me for actually experiencing it myself.
Firstly, the hours are actually 8:30-17:00, so that's 30 extra minutes compared to the average. Secondly, you're supposed to work 7 days a week. Yep, you heard that right. SEVEN. Their rationale was that since we worked in the service sector, we needed to work even on break days to maximize our output as that's when traffic is at its peak. And the best part? We weren't supposed to get ANY days off even on public holidays, because, guess what, that's when everybody goes out to eat. And, for as much as I hated it, I couldn't deny what they were saying. After all, I myself have been guilty of going to restaurants before on holidays with my family, so I am painfully aware of the fact that somebody still had to work their asses off to give us a good time. In this case, I got to place myself into one of these people's shoes for once.
And that's just the time factor. The people there were... well, let's just say that I had a better time just not interacting with any of them in the first place. Like, I get it, you're very worn down just like I am and I'm a rookie making mistakes and messing stuff up, but you don't have to be such a cunt about it. Even I manage to keep a poker face about me almost every day, and yet I'M supposed to be part of the demographic that was known for their erratic mood swings! I swear, only, like, 3 of the employees there had a shred of sympathy in their entire bodies, which didn't make it any easier for me to contort my face into a grin every time I served a customer. Honestly, it's one of the rare cases where the manager had a more likable and understanding personality than his subordinates, which, uh, isn't saying a whole lot, to be frank.
Not to mention the work itself. Somehow, serving there managed to require a lot of finesse to not topple over the tray stacked to the brim with wine glasses and constant physical labor while being mind-numbingly boring. The health and safety regulations there were practically non-existent, and it really showed when I got a nasty cut on my fingertip while skinning some of the hardest-to-peel fruits I'd ever encountered in my entire life. Normally, I'd expect to get at least a break to recover, but NOOO... they just told me to slap on a bandage and get on with it DESPITE the injury I had. Needless to say, I quickly excused myself and found better luck sweeping the floor instead, but that one experience really set in stone for me just how little people cared about each other when push came to shove.
Now, you must be thinking, "Well, at least you're getting paid for it." Yeah, at 24000 VND per hour, no less. For context, that is equivalent to just under a dollar an hour, which goes to show just how fantastic the economic circumstances are in Vietnam. The last saving grace is gone. Whoops.
And the worst part about all of this is... I am still extremely PRIVILEGED compared to the average person in Vietnam. My parents are both start-up owners, so I get to live quite comfortably without having to worry about food or electricity bills, unlike many others less fortunate than I. But knowing that I'm better off compared to so many people doesn't inspire gratitude or confidence in me. It only makes me feel ashamed to be living in such a world, where the only true winner is inevitable decay and the rest of us are playing the part of the fool. Even the ones at the top.
What I went through was like a bucket of ice water in my face, making me realize just how inconsequential my childhood joys truly are. "Remember the good times", huh? Kiss my ass. Good luck following your own advice while dealing with a seemingly endless horde of customers while trying to steady your shaking arms carrying a tray to the other fucking side of the restaurant. So many people keep telling me that I'm too cynical and negative, but you know what? I bet a majority of them have never actually worked a full-time job before. Seeing them get proven wrong only further reinforces my beliefs that adulthood is not an age of freedom for most like it is advertised in Vietnam, but rather one of monotony and frustration, watching as any semblance of a spark or flair in you gets slowly and methodically washed away until everything around you becomes white noise. And that's me just after ONE MONTH of that shit. I can't even imagine how much pain I'd be in if I had to do that for the rest of my life.
If this is the kind of stuff I had to go through just to get by, then I really don't see the appeal in the state of living over the state of being dead. Like, if I'm such a burden to society and this world to the point where I have to inflict torture upon myself daily just to repay my debts and earn the right to exist, then what reason do I have for sticking around in a world that clearly doesn't want me? What's so good about living when "treading water" is the best the average person like me can hope for? The fact that people have to convince themselves that life is worth living with motivational quotes and thought-ending cliches really rubs me the wrong way, and now I'm not even sure whether they're trying to help others or trying to convince themselves. Sorry if I'm being too "edgy" or whatever for you, by the way. You can always just NOT read this if it bothers you that much.
Anyway, that's enough rambling from me for now. This summer holiday, my dad wants me to do it all over again. And you know what? I will. Because it's the best shot I have at increasing my chances of making it in this twisted place we call reality. Maybe, if I'm lucky enough, I'll find a different place to work in with less bullshit hours and more acceptable working conditions. I'll take anything at this point. Oh, and before I go... sorry for wasting your time, but you brought this upon yourself.
submitted by Bosslayer9001 to findapath [link] [comments]
Last summer break, my dad offered me a position at a traditional Vietnamese food restaurant in the local AEON Mall branch for a month. He said that it would give me good work experience and color my CV, which I agreed with at the time. And so, like the 'pride of the family' that I was (yes, adults call all of their eldest/most academically adept children this in Vietnam), I decided to take him up on his offer. And, despite everything I've read about 9-5s on Reddit, nothing could've prepared me for actually experiencing it myself.
Firstly, the hours are actually 8:30-17:00, so that's 30 extra minutes compared to the average. Secondly, you're supposed to work 7 days a week. Yep, you heard that right. SEVEN. Their rationale was that since we worked in the service sector, we needed to work even on break days to maximize our output as that's when traffic is at its peak. And the best part? We weren't supposed to get ANY days off even on public holidays, because, guess what, that's when everybody goes out to eat. And, for as much as I hated it, I couldn't deny what they were saying. After all, I myself have been guilty of going to restaurants before on holidays with my family, so I am painfully aware of the fact that somebody still had to work their asses off to give us a good time. In this case, I got to place myself into one of these people's shoes for once.
And that's just the time factor. The people there were... well, let's just say that I had a better time just not interacting with any of them in the first place. Like, I get it, you're very worn down just like I am and I'm a rookie making mistakes and messing stuff up, but you don't have to be such a cunt about it. Even I manage to keep a poker face about me almost every day, and yet I'M supposed to be part of the demographic that was known for their erratic mood swings! I swear, only, like, 3 of the employees there had a shred of sympathy in their entire bodies, which didn't make it any easier for me to contort my face into a grin every time I served a customer. Honestly, it's one of the rare cases where the manager had a more likable and understanding personality than his subordinates, which, uh, isn't saying a whole lot, to be frank.
Not to mention the work itself. Somehow, serving there managed to require a lot of finesse to not topple over the tray stacked to the brim with wine glasses and constant physical labor while being mind-numbingly boring. The health and safety regulations there were practically non-existent, and it really showed when I got a nasty cut on my fingertip while skinning some of the hardest-to-peel fruits I'd ever encountered in my entire life. Normally, I'd expect to get at least a break to recover, but NOOO... they just told me to slap on a bandage and get on with it DESPITE the injury I had. Needless to say, I quickly excused myself and found better luck sweeping the floor instead, but that one experience really set in stone for me just how little people cared about each other when push came to shove.
Now, you must be thinking, "Well, at least you're getting paid for it." Yeah, at 24000 VND per hour, no less. For context, that is equivalent to just under a dollar an hour, which goes to show just how fantastic the economic circumstances are in Vietnam. The last saving grace is gone. Whoops.
And the worst part about all of this is... I am still extremely PRIVILEGED compared to the average person in Vietnam. My parents are both start-up owners, so I get to live quite comfortably without having to worry about food or electricity bills, unlike many others less fortunate than I. But knowing that I'm better off compared to so many people doesn't inspire gratitude or confidence in me. It only makes me feel ashamed to be living in such a world, where the only true winner is inevitable decay and the rest of us are playing the part of the fool. Even the ones at the top.
What I went through was like a bucket of ice water in my face, making me realize just how inconsequential my childhood joys truly are. "Remember the good times", huh? Kiss my ass. Good luck following your own advice while dealing with a seemingly endless horde of customers while trying to steady your shaking arms carrying a tray to the other fucking side of the restaurant. So many people keep telling me that I'm too cynical and negative, but you know what? I bet a majority of them have never actually worked a full-time job before. Seeing them get proven wrong only further reinforces my beliefs that adulthood is not an age of freedom for most like it is advertised in Vietnam, but rather one of monotony and frustration, watching as any semblance of a spark or flair in you gets slowly and methodically washed away until everything around you becomes white noise. And that's me just after ONE MONTH of that shit. I can't even imagine how much pain I'd be in if I had to do that for the rest of my life.
If this is the kind of stuff I had to go through just to get by, then I really don't see the appeal in the state of living over the state of being dead. Like, if I'm such a burden to society and this world to the point where I have to inflict torture upon myself daily just to repay my debts and earn the right to exist, then what reason do I have for sticking around in a world that clearly doesn't want me? What's so good about living when "treading water" is the best the average person like me can hope for? The fact that people have to convince themselves that life is worth living with motivational quotes and thought-ending cliches really rubs me the wrong way, and now I'm not even sure whether they're trying to help others or trying to convince themselves. Sorry if I'm being too "edgy" or whatever for you, by the way. You can always just NOT read this if it bothers you that much.
Anyway, that's enough rambling from me for now. This summer holiday, my dad wants me to do it all over again. And you know what? I will. Because it's the best shot I have at increasing my chances of making it in this twisted place we call reality. Maybe, if I'm lucky enough, I'll find a different place to work in with less bullshit hours and more acceptable working conditions. I'll take anything at this point. Oh, and before I go... sorry for wasting your time, but you brought this upon yourself.
2024.05.21 15:24 FuturisticW [23M] Concerned About Chest Pain and Increased Heart Rate After Breakfast
Hi askdocs,
I'm a 23-year-old runner with no significant medical history. Today, after eating breakfast (oatmeal with a bit of salt and some cake), I experienced an increased heart rate (from my usual 55 bpm to around 85-95 bpm) and chest pain on the left side. This was unusual and concerning for me, and I'm wondering if it could have been due to a panic attack.
I went to the emergency room, where they conducted four EKGs and blood tests. Both came back normal, including my calcium levels. The doctor suggested that my chest pain might be due to a nerve issue in my back, possibly nerve pressure, but I didn’t get much detailed advice.
For context:
submitted by FuturisticW to AskDocs [link] [comments]
I'm a 23-year-old runner with no significant medical history. Today, after eating breakfast (oatmeal with a bit of salt and some cake), I experienced an increased heart rate (from my usual 55 bpm to around 85-95 bpm) and chest pain on the left side. This was unusual and concerning for me, and I'm wondering if it could have been due to a panic attack.
I went to the emergency room, where they conducted four EKGs and blood tests. Both came back normal, including my calcium levels. The doctor suggested that my chest pain might be due to a nerve issue in my back, possibly nerve pressure, but I didn’t get much detailed advice.
For context:
- Four hours after the ER visit, my heart rate is still elevated, and my Garmin watch shows high physical body stress, despite me doing nothing.
- I have experienced a bubbling sensation in my forearm before, which might be related.
- For about a week, I've been feeling pressure in my upper back when I walk.
- I didn’t get enough sleep last night, but otherwise, my routine has been normal.
- I’m an experienced runner and have been running for 5 years.
- Is it safe to continue exercising or should I wait?
- How should I sit to avoid aggravating the issue?
- Is it okay to sleep on my belly, or should I change my sleeping position?
2024.05.21 15:21 unavngiven My mom died... [Very long post]
This is my first reddit post, although I have been a long time lurker of many subreddits. I am 23 years old and an only child. I am not a native english speaker, so please forgive any weird formatting or any spelling/grammar mistakes.
As the title states, my mom died ... and I am currently writing this to try and process this whole situation. I've tried to section all the paragraphs in chronological order, to make reading easier. Sorry for the extremely long post - I just needed to get it all out.
We only just celebrated her 60th birthday back in february. She did all the cooking, cleaning and planning without any trouble - even down to picking out the perfect napkins and flowers for her white and gold theme.
My mother was without a job. She had been jobless for almost 2 years now, after she was fired from her old cleaning job due to frequent sick days because of stomach cramps and pain. She was seen by a doctor back in 2022 for her stomach aches, and they found no physical cause - hence why we concluded it must've been due to stress. The stress and stomach pains subsided after she'd been fired. So we thought no more of it.
In march she was doing a 4-week internship in a local supermarket to see if she might've been a good fit for a permanent paid position. This is common practice for unemployeed people here in Denmark.
My mother started having stomach pains again during this internship, soon followed by back pains as well. She figured this was due to her spending most of the day sitting as a cashier in an uncomfortable position. My mother wasn't very tall, so she had trouble reaching the floor pedals that control the cashier conveyer belt.
In the beginning of april, she went to the doctor. Her stomach and back pains hadn't gone away although the internship was over. Her doctor also concluded it was most likely due to her uncomfortable working position, and that it would pass in a few weeks time. The doctor did some bloodwork, and found that she was severely lacking vitamin D, but nothing else seemed concerning at the time.
In the middle of april, her pains had only gotten worse, and she went to the doctor again. Her doctor did more bloodwork, and did a phisycal exam of my mothers stomach. Her doctor ordered a CT scan to check for anything serious.
19th of april. I accompany my mother to the hospital for her CT scan. We get told that we'll have the results in a week or so. My mother is not looking good when I pick her up at the bus station. She is more pale than usual, and has trouble walking at her usual pace.
23th of april. My mother received a referral to a meeting at the hospital with a doctor and nurse, to discuss the results of the CT scan. This referral is sent from the hospitals cancer department. My mother and I speak on the phone, she is concerned, but I tell her that this type of referral must just be standard pratice, and that she shouldn't worry untill we have spoken with the doctor. I cried that night.
25th of april. The day before her meeting with the doctor, I received a phone call from my mother. She tells me that she had fallen while at home, but that I shouldn't worry. I, of course, worry.
I pack my things and leave for my mothers house, I live an hour away by bus. When I finally arrive my mother seems okay-ish, but the house is another story. My mother is normally known for being a clean freak, and her house has always been clean and organized, But it wasn't anymore.
Her kitchen was a mess, and the dishwasher hadn't been empited or loaded for at least two weeks. Her bathroom is even worse, and I won't even begin to describe the state of the toilet it self. It is a sight that will horrify me for the rest of my life. I cleaned everything, while my mother rested.
My mother had also started sleeping on the guest bed, saying her own was too uncomfortable for her.
While cleaning the bathroom, my mother wakes up. Despite her state, she says she wants to help. But before I can even tell her no, my mother has another fall. Her legs essentially just crumble beneath her, and she falls backwards and lands head first on the floor. We argue back and forth about calling an ambulance, but she refuses to let me - so I don't, even though I should have. I guess I still respected my moms authority too much.
My mother lives alone, as my parents are divorced (they are very good friends though). My mother refuses to let me call my dad and tell him about this whole situation. She is stubborn and too proud to admit defeat.
26th of april. We take a taxi to the hospital. The taxi driver has a help my mother into the car. During the carride my mother says very little, but seems slightly delirious and very tired. When we arrive at the hospital, I quickly borrow a hospital wheelchair for my mother. She is almost unable to walk unassisted at this point.
After waiting for a while in the waiting area, a nurse comes and guides us to a meeting room. My mother is very tired at this point, and still delirious, and I have to handle most of the conversation with the doctor.
The CT scan results showed Pancreatic cancer. The cancer had already spread to her liver and abdomial cavity.
I had read about this cancer a few days prior, trying to figure out what was wrong with my mother. I knew what this meant, and I knew that it was effectively a death sentence. The doctor told us that an operation was out of the question, since the cancer had already spread. And due to the clearly weak state of my mothers health, chemo would also not be offered, as it would finish her.
I told the doctor of her two falls and the state of her home, and that she would not be safe on her own. The doctor had her admitted to a nearby bed department for stomach- and gastrointestinal surgery patients.
The hospital did a ton of bloodwork on my mother when she got admitted, and everything was off. All numbers were either too high or dangerously low. My mothers health was in fact so bad, that I was told she was a heart attack risk. I was also told that if a heart attack happened, she would not be brought back - as it would only prolong a very short and painful life.
I called my dad.
27th of april. My mother slept most of the day.
28th of april. My mother had another fall during the night, trying to get to the bathroom.
29th of april. My dad shows up to the hospital. He wasn't able to get off work until now, as he works in the other end of the country. He is shocked to see my mother in this state. We are told once again by a different doctor that nothing can be done. They are looking into getting her a spot at a nearby hospice.
The rest of the remaining week is spent in hospital. My dad and I are by my mothers side every day. She doesn't leave her hospital room, apart from a few times a day for a smoke break outside. My dad and I take her outside in a wheelchair, which she needs help to get in and out of.
Her bloodwork is showing some slight improvements, but she is still having trouble with infections and receives a lot of antibiotics. She eats like a mouse, but drinks a lot of fluids.
My mother is often very confused or tired most days. She gets referred for an MR scan, to see if the cancer has spread to her brain, or if one of her falls has caused permanent damage. Lucikly the MR scan shows that nothing is wrong with her brain.
She gets confused about her diagnosis a few times, thinking that she had brain cancer instead due to the MR scan. I have to remind her a couple times about what the doctor actually said.
6th of may. My mother seems to have stabilized somewhat so my dad has gone back to work.
7th of may. I get told by the hospital staff that my mother is to be transferred to a different hospital, which is one hour away. I become very upset by this news, and unfortunately yell at one of my mothers nurses in frustration. I yell at her that It'll be harder for me to get to my mother in time if something were to happen. I am ashamed of this childish behavior, as the transfer was the best desicion for my mother in hindsight.
I leave with my mother as we get transferred to the new hospital and their department of palliative care.
I am very ashamed by my behavior to my mothers old nurse, as this department for palliative care was truly the best place for my mother. She seemed very satisfied and happy to have been transferred. They have a large garden with wild flowers, and lovely staff. And my mother got a much bigger room all to herself. She also meets with their physical therapist, who helps my mother relieve some of her pain.
My mother and I have dinner together in the evening in her hospital room. My mom is her old self, although with some delayed speaking. I unfortunately have to rush a bit when leaving, as to not miss my bus home, so I quickly say goodbye to her and leave.
8th of may. In the morning on my way to the new hospital, I received a phone call from her new doctor. My mothers liver has suddenly started to fail due to the cancer. When I arrive, she is asleep. I am told she wont wake up again.
I called my dad, but he wont arrive until the evening, due to the distance from his workplace.
I spend most of the day in my mothers hospital room, listening to her sleep. She occasionally attempts to cough in her sleep, but it mainly just sounds like yells. It is terrifying. The nurses give her pain medication and some sleep medication to help her body relax.
My dad arrives in the late evening. We drive to my mothers house and stay the night there. We spend most of the late evening looking at pictures and scrapbooks of my mother, and packing a bag with clothes for her, for when she passes.
When prepareing the guest bed for my dad, we find a blanket that my mother slept on. It is stained, matching the previous state of the bathroom. We throw the blanket out.
9th of may. Mom is sleeping. Dad and I spend the day at the hospital, but we don't sit in her hospital room. It is too eerie and uncomfortable. We check on her occassionally. Towards the evening, her breathing becomes slightly more rapid and quick. But the nurses tell us to go home. There is no reason for us to sit by her side during the night - as it'll only make it worse for us.
10th of may. I wake at 6.12 am to my phone ringing. It is a nurse. My mother has passed away in her sleep at 6.05 that morning due to liver failure. My dad and I drive to the hospital. I am the first to see her body after the nurses prepared and dressed it in the clothing we picked.
(warning: the following paragraph may be slightly upsetting to some readers)
It it eerie and uncomfortable to see my mother like this. A symptom of pancreatic and liver cancers is that your skin will yellow. Something that I hadn't noticed in my mother till now. I cant help but think that she looks like a wax doll, although I feel horrible for thinking it. I finally touch her hand, after gathering the courage to, almost like I am afraid to distrub her. Her hands are cold, and only get colder as I sit by her side. I am supposed to say my goodbyes to her, and tell her how much she means to me, but in this moment I am speechless. I can't say anything, even on my mothers deathbed. I feels wrong to speak to a corpse. I should've said those things while she could hear them instead. I kiss her forehead before I leave the room.
17th of may. Funeral. The church and casket was beautifully decorated with colorful flowers, like my mother had requested. She didn't want anything white or depressing. I cried all the way through the funeral service, stopping only when it was time to carry the casket out. My dad on the left side, and me on the right, and some other family members behind us. Purple rain by Prince was played on the church piano as we carried the casket. I knew the casket would be heavy, but nothing prepared me for the sheer weight of that thing.
21th of may. Today. I don't really know what to think of my mothers death. Some days I almost forget that shes gone or that all this has been happening, until something reminds me of it.
In a way, I am thankful. Of course I didn't want my mother to die, but I'm glad that her suffering wasn't prolonged for months while she slowly withered away to cancer. And I'm thankful that my mother didn't live to suffer from alzheimers, like her own mother. And I am glad that if anything, my mothers death has brought my dad and I closer.
But at the same time, I am angry that she didn't get to live more of her life. She was only 60 years old, and should have had 20 more years at least. If she at least was 70, it might've been easier to lose her but I doubt it.
I think mostly of all the things she will miss out on, which saddens me the most. I am 23 and my mother wont get to see most of my life or my achivements. If I have kids, she'll never meet them, and she I get married, she'll never see it. My 24th birthday is coming up soon, and I don't know how I'll handle that day without my mother for the first time - or christmas for that matter.
I want my mom.
submitted by unavngiven to GriefSupport [link] [comments]
As the title states, my mom died ... and I am currently writing this to try and process this whole situation. I've tried to section all the paragraphs in chronological order, to make reading easier. Sorry for the extremely long post - I just needed to get it all out.
We only just celebrated her 60th birthday back in february. She did all the cooking, cleaning and planning without any trouble - even down to picking out the perfect napkins and flowers for her white and gold theme.
My mother was without a job. She had been jobless for almost 2 years now, after she was fired from her old cleaning job due to frequent sick days because of stomach cramps and pain. She was seen by a doctor back in 2022 for her stomach aches, and they found no physical cause - hence why we concluded it must've been due to stress. The stress and stomach pains subsided after she'd been fired. So we thought no more of it.
In march she was doing a 4-week internship in a local supermarket to see if she might've been a good fit for a permanent paid position. This is common practice for unemployeed people here in Denmark.
My mother started having stomach pains again during this internship, soon followed by back pains as well. She figured this was due to her spending most of the day sitting as a cashier in an uncomfortable position. My mother wasn't very tall, so she had trouble reaching the floor pedals that control the cashier conveyer belt.
In the beginning of april, she went to the doctor. Her stomach and back pains hadn't gone away although the internship was over. Her doctor also concluded it was most likely due to her uncomfortable working position, and that it would pass in a few weeks time. The doctor did some bloodwork, and found that she was severely lacking vitamin D, but nothing else seemed concerning at the time.
In the middle of april, her pains had only gotten worse, and she went to the doctor again. Her doctor did more bloodwork, and did a phisycal exam of my mothers stomach. Her doctor ordered a CT scan to check for anything serious.
19th of april. I accompany my mother to the hospital for her CT scan. We get told that we'll have the results in a week or so. My mother is not looking good when I pick her up at the bus station. She is more pale than usual, and has trouble walking at her usual pace.
23th of april. My mother received a referral to a meeting at the hospital with a doctor and nurse, to discuss the results of the CT scan. This referral is sent from the hospitals cancer department. My mother and I speak on the phone, she is concerned, but I tell her that this type of referral must just be standard pratice, and that she shouldn't worry untill we have spoken with the doctor. I cried that night.
25th of april. The day before her meeting with the doctor, I received a phone call from my mother. She tells me that she had fallen while at home, but that I shouldn't worry. I, of course, worry.
I pack my things and leave for my mothers house, I live an hour away by bus. When I finally arrive my mother seems okay-ish, but the house is another story. My mother is normally known for being a clean freak, and her house has always been clean and organized, But it wasn't anymore.
Her kitchen was a mess, and the dishwasher hadn't been empited or loaded for at least two weeks. Her bathroom is even worse, and I won't even begin to describe the state of the toilet it self. It is a sight that will horrify me for the rest of my life. I cleaned everything, while my mother rested.
My mother had also started sleeping on the guest bed, saying her own was too uncomfortable for her.
While cleaning the bathroom, my mother wakes up. Despite her state, she says she wants to help. But before I can even tell her no, my mother has another fall. Her legs essentially just crumble beneath her, and she falls backwards and lands head first on the floor. We argue back and forth about calling an ambulance, but she refuses to let me - so I don't, even though I should have. I guess I still respected my moms authority too much.
My mother lives alone, as my parents are divorced (they are very good friends though). My mother refuses to let me call my dad and tell him about this whole situation. She is stubborn and too proud to admit defeat.
26th of april. We take a taxi to the hospital. The taxi driver has a help my mother into the car. During the carride my mother says very little, but seems slightly delirious and very tired. When we arrive at the hospital, I quickly borrow a hospital wheelchair for my mother. She is almost unable to walk unassisted at this point.
After waiting for a while in the waiting area, a nurse comes and guides us to a meeting room. My mother is very tired at this point, and still delirious, and I have to handle most of the conversation with the doctor.
The CT scan results showed Pancreatic cancer. The cancer had already spread to her liver and abdomial cavity.
I had read about this cancer a few days prior, trying to figure out what was wrong with my mother. I knew what this meant, and I knew that it was effectively a death sentence. The doctor told us that an operation was out of the question, since the cancer had already spread. And due to the clearly weak state of my mothers health, chemo would also not be offered, as it would finish her.
I told the doctor of her two falls and the state of her home, and that she would not be safe on her own. The doctor had her admitted to a nearby bed department for stomach- and gastrointestinal surgery patients.
The hospital did a ton of bloodwork on my mother when she got admitted, and everything was off. All numbers were either too high or dangerously low. My mothers health was in fact so bad, that I was told she was a heart attack risk. I was also told that if a heart attack happened, she would not be brought back - as it would only prolong a very short and painful life.
I called my dad.
27th of april. My mother slept most of the day.
28th of april. My mother had another fall during the night, trying to get to the bathroom.
29th of april. My dad shows up to the hospital. He wasn't able to get off work until now, as he works in the other end of the country. He is shocked to see my mother in this state. We are told once again by a different doctor that nothing can be done. They are looking into getting her a spot at a nearby hospice.
The rest of the remaining week is spent in hospital. My dad and I are by my mothers side every day. She doesn't leave her hospital room, apart from a few times a day for a smoke break outside. My dad and I take her outside in a wheelchair, which she needs help to get in and out of.
Her bloodwork is showing some slight improvements, but she is still having trouble with infections and receives a lot of antibiotics. She eats like a mouse, but drinks a lot of fluids.
My mother is often very confused or tired most days. She gets referred for an MR scan, to see if the cancer has spread to her brain, or if one of her falls has caused permanent damage. Lucikly the MR scan shows that nothing is wrong with her brain.
She gets confused about her diagnosis a few times, thinking that she had brain cancer instead due to the MR scan. I have to remind her a couple times about what the doctor actually said.
6th of may. My mother seems to have stabilized somewhat so my dad has gone back to work.
7th of may. I get told by the hospital staff that my mother is to be transferred to a different hospital, which is one hour away. I become very upset by this news, and unfortunately yell at one of my mothers nurses in frustration. I yell at her that It'll be harder for me to get to my mother in time if something were to happen. I am ashamed of this childish behavior, as the transfer was the best desicion for my mother in hindsight.
I leave with my mother as we get transferred to the new hospital and their department of palliative care.
I am very ashamed by my behavior to my mothers old nurse, as this department for palliative care was truly the best place for my mother. She seemed very satisfied and happy to have been transferred. They have a large garden with wild flowers, and lovely staff. And my mother got a much bigger room all to herself. She also meets with their physical therapist, who helps my mother relieve some of her pain.
My mother and I have dinner together in the evening in her hospital room. My mom is her old self, although with some delayed speaking. I unfortunately have to rush a bit when leaving, as to not miss my bus home, so I quickly say goodbye to her and leave.
8th of may. In the morning on my way to the new hospital, I received a phone call from her new doctor. My mothers liver has suddenly started to fail due to the cancer. When I arrive, she is asleep. I am told she wont wake up again.
I called my dad, but he wont arrive until the evening, due to the distance from his workplace.
I spend most of the day in my mothers hospital room, listening to her sleep. She occasionally attempts to cough in her sleep, but it mainly just sounds like yells. It is terrifying. The nurses give her pain medication and some sleep medication to help her body relax.
My dad arrives in the late evening. We drive to my mothers house and stay the night there. We spend most of the late evening looking at pictures and scrapbooks of my mother, and packing a bag with clothes for her, for when she passes.
When prepareing the guest bed for my dad, we find a blanket that my mother slept on. It is stained, matching the previous state of the bathroom. We throw the blanket out.
9th of may. Mom is sleeping. Dad and I spend the day at the hospital, but we don't sit in her hospital room. It is too eerie and uncomfortable. We check on her occassionally. Towards the evening, her breathing becomes slightly more rapid and quick. But the nurses tell us to go home. There is no reason for us to sit by her side during the night - as it'll only make it worse for us.
10th of may. I wake at 6.12 am to my phone ringing. It is a nurse. My mother has passed away in her sleep at 6.05 that morning due to liver failure. My dad and I drive to the hospital. I am the first to see her body after the nurses prepared and dressed it in the clothing we picked.
(warning: the following paragraph may be slightly upsetting to some readers)
It it eerie and uncomfortable to see my mother like this. A symptom of pancreatic and liver cancers is that your skin will yellow. Something that I hadn't noticed in my mother till now. I cant help but think that she looks like a wax doll, although I feel horrible for thinking it. I finally touch her hand, after gathering the courage to, almost like I am afraid to distrub her. Her hands are cold, and only get colder as I sit by her side. I am supposed to say my goodbyes to her, and tell her how much she means to me, but in this moment I am speechless. I can't say anything, even on my mothers deathbed. I feels wrong to speak to a corpse. I should've said those things while she could hear them instead. I kiss her forehead before I leave the room.
17th of may. Funeral. The church and casket was beautifully decorated with colorful flowers, like my mother had requested. She didn't want anything white or depressing. I cried all the way through the funeral service, stopping only when it was time to carry the casket out. My dad on the left side, and me on the right, and some other family members behind us. Purple rain by Prince was played on the church piano as we carried the casket. I knew the casket would be heavy, but nothing prepared me for the sheer weight of that thing.
21th of may. Today. I don't really know what to think of my mothers death. Some days I almost forget that shes gone or that all this has been happening, until something reminds me of it.
In a way, I am thankful. Of course I didn't want my mother to die, but I'm glad that her suffering wasn't prolonged for months while she slowly withered away to cancer. And I'm thankful that my mother didn't live to suffer from alzheimers, like her own mother. And I am glad that if anything, my mothers death has brought my dad and I closer.
But at the same time, I am angry that she didn't get to live more of her life. She was only 60 years old, and should have had 20 more years at least. If she at least was 70, it might've been easier to lose her but I doubt it.
I think mostly of all the things she will miss out on, which saddens me the most. I am 23 and my mother wont get to see most of my life or my achivements. If I have kids, she'll never meet them, and she I get married, she'll never see it. My 24th birthday is coming up soon, and I don't know how I'll handle that day without my mother for the first time - or christmas for that matter.
I want my mom.
2024.05.21 15:18 Low_Internet9759 Tonsil Problems :/
So I'm not sure where to post this exactly because my flu test was negative-- but I had whatever other virus from hell is going around the US right now a couple of weeks ago. It started with body aches and chills and a horrible headache-- that lasted a few days, and then congestion joined the party. After a while the body aches and headache went away but the congestion stayed and last week I noticed my tonsils were swollen and covered in white patches and I had a sore throat and swollen lymph nodes. I have been to the doctor and they prescribed me antibiotics to see if that did anything for the tonsils. I haven't had a fever this entire time, but I have had night sweats and I still have them. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? I'm so sick of this
submitted by Low_Internet9759 to flu [link] [comments]
2024.05.21 15:18 Gloomy-Sand9906 Stress is so bad I thought I had a heart attack.
As the title says, I had to go to urgent care during 3rd period yesterday due to horrible chest pains. Worse than my panic attack chest pains and it was radiating down to my left side every time I took a breath in. I had to take two of my blood pressure pills to see if that’ll fix it, no shot.
I had an EKG done, it came out okay. Then my bloodwork came back, I have NEVER seen my bloodwork so off, everything that’s good for me - I was low in, and everything that’s bad for me - I was high in.
The doctor said my body was under so much stress that it mimicked the pain of a possible heart attack. He instructed me to see my PCP asap and wrote me a note for a day off to rest. He told me to try to control my stress if I can.
I only have about two weeks left of this job and I will never be coming back to teaching again. I’m honestly afraid to go back tomorrow because I know I can’t control the stress that these kids cause me.
I’m contemplating on not going back just to look out for myself. I just don’t know.
submitted by Gloomy-Sand9906 to Teachers [link] [comments]
I had an EKG done, it came out okay. Then my bloodwork came back, I have NEVER seen my bloodwork so off, everything that’s good for me - I was low in, and everything that’s bad for me - I was high in.
The doctor said my body was under so much stress that it mimicked the pain of a possible heart attack. He instructed me to see my PCP asap and wrote me a note for a day off to rest. He told me to try to control my stress if I can.
I only have about two weeks left of this job and I will never be coming back to teaching again. I’m honestly afraid to go back tomorrow because I know I can’t control the stress that these kids cause me.
I’m contemplating on not going back just to look out for myself. I just don’t know.
2024.05.21 15:18 Aquasplendens Thing in the corner of her eye
 | To preface, she has been to a vet previously where I brought up a concern about it and after examination, the vet had no idea what it was. She was in for a routine appointment and happened to have an outer ear infection in the opposite ear. While treating it, this thing in the corner of her eye did go down, but it’s been a few months and it’s back. She has had it for a couple of years now and it goes through cycles where it will swell and then shrink. It does not seem to cause her pain if I touch it and it is not hot or red. The vet she saw did say they could do a biopsy, but if it’s not causing her discomfort he was comfortable just monitoring it. Has anyone seen anything like this and have any suggestions as to what it is since my vet didn’t know? submitted by Aquasplendens to catcare [link] [comments] |
2024.05.21 15:04 L0k1blaze Body isn't feeling right, multiple unusual feelings (aches, icy water flashes, pains, body feeling like it's sick) across my body.
28 year old male, 6'1, 185 lbs, no known medical issues, non-smoker, VERY light drinker, no recreational drugs.
My primary complaint is that my body isn't feeling normal. Over the past several months I've noticed these unusual feelings (aches, pains, ice-hot flashes) spreading throughout my body. It started in my thighs with icy water flashes (like someone dropping ice cold water on my nerves) and eventually it graduated to small aches and pains in my thighs, arms, feet, hands and abdomen (nothing in my face, back, neck etc.)
The feelings vary on type, but two things they all have in common is they cover a small area (ranging from the size of a circle with 1in diameter to the length of my finger) and they last a few seconds. It started off light (maybe once every several days), but now I get these feelings constantly. My abdomen is mostly soreness like aches that remind me of after I workout, but occasionally I get the icy-cold feeling. My hands, arms, and legs are mostly aches now (they last a few seconds).
I've had pains in my chest too, sometimes around my heart. Yesterday I had a tightness in my chest that felt like somebody was squeezing the inside of my chest.
I've also recently started feeling sick. I was talking to someone about this last night and right then I started feeling like I had a cold and I woke up feeling like that today (still do).
I also have this weird pounding sensation in my left ear sometimes. I don't believe it's related, but it feels like there's something in there because I can feel my blood pumping through it for a few seconds.
FYI, I'm pretty sure this isn't stress. I know what stress does to my body and this isn't it.
Other info that I believe is relevant.
submitted by L0k1blaze to AskDocs [link] [comments]
My primary complaint is that my body isn't feeling normal. Over the past several months I've noticed these unusual feelings (aches, pains, ice-hot flashes) spreading throughout my body. It started in my thighs with icy water flashes (like someone dropping ice cold water on my nerves) and eventually it graduated to small aches and pains in my thighs, arms, feet, hands and abdomen (nothing in my face, back, neck etc.)
The feelings vary on type, but two things they all have in common is they cover a small area (ranging from the size of a circle with 1in diameter to the length of my finger) and they last a few seconds. It started off light (maybe once every several days), but now I get these feelings constantly. My abdomen is mostly soreness like aches that remind me of after I workout, but occasionally I get the icy-cold feeling. My hands, arms, and legs are mostly aches now (they last a few seconds).
I've had pains in my chest too, sometimes around my heart. Yesterday I had a tightness in my chest that felt like somebody was squeezing the inside of my chest.
I've also recently started feeling sick. I was talking to someone about this last night and right then I started feeling like I had a cold and I woke up feeling like that today (still do).
I also have this weird pounding sensation in my left ear sometimes. I don't believe it's related, but it feels like there's something in there because I can feel my blood pumping through it for a few seconds.
FYI, I'm pretty sure this isn't stress. I know what stress does to my body and this isn't it.
Other info that I believe is relevant.
- I got the Pfizer vaccine (yes, I know what this subreddit's policies are on vaccine misinformation, but I believe it's important).
- I've been to the ER twice now (earliest was last year), specifically for chest-related issues, self-admitted. Both times I had chest x-rays done, blood work, the latest one I had a d-dimer test. Both times they gave me a clean bill of health.
2024.05.21 15:03 mern_ I don’t know what to caption this I hopes that someone might take the time to read about my problems other than breastfeeding is fricken hard man
When I was pregnant my plan was to exclusively breastfeed my baby girl. After she was born, we really struggled with feeding the first day because she was chomping on my nipples. They were really bloody, painful, chapped. Towards the end of the day I eventually asked my doula to grab some formula and bottles because baby girl needed to eat and I couldn’t supply what she needed in that condition.
The lactation consultant at the hospital was no help either, she was in the room for five minutes and just gave me some pamphlets and left. The nurses were super helpful in getting her to latch but unfortunately they weren’t coming home with us to help me every time.
I began pumping as soon as we got home and more so once my milk supply came in. Baby girl still wouldn’t latch so she was having formula and bottled breastmilk. I was constantly beating myself up over this thinking something was wrong with me that I couldn’t feed my baby. I really wanted her to be breastfed. My doula referred us to a lactation consultant in our area who helped us with a lot. She was able to have baby latch with a nipple shield and she told me there isn’t anything anatomically wrong with me, which was a weight taken off my shoulders, but that baby girl was lacking the reflexes that babies are born with in order to produce a wide latch. She also found a tongue tie that our pediatrician missed. So we had to do different mouth exercises and tongue exercises and ultimately were referred to a pediatric dentist for a laser frenectomy.
Fast forward to now baby girl is 4 months old. Still won’t latch, even with the shield she just screams and gets so upset. I want to give up. I’ve accepted and come to terms with being a lost cause for this and that it probably won’t happen. I feel like I don’t have time to keep trying. I don’t produce enough, I don’t drink enough water, I’m not eating enough to feed my milk supply I feel like I don’t have time to eat these days, my nipples are chapped and discolored from pumping, my baby doesn’t see me and think “mom boobies milk” instead she recognizes the bottle and reaches for it and smiles at it and while it’s cute a part of me breaks. I never got to experience the bonding that comes with breastfeeding, the comfort for baby, the exchange of enzymes in her saliva that tells my body what she needs if she’s sick.
You know, my entire life I’ve always felt I was born into the wrong generation but let me tell you, I have never been more grateful to be born into this generation. I’ve been lucky enough to use several different kinds of pumps over the last four months to feed my baby. I never wanted her to be a formula baby (yes I was that mom) but I am beyond thankful to have a formula that’s right for my baby (plus, you can’t tell by looking at someone if they had formula or breastmilk and my girl is perfectly healthy and growing. A story for another time. Fed is best) Way back when, if you couldn’t feed your baby it would die or someone else would have to feed them. This is what I think about when I’m pumping every single time. How I can’t feed my baby because she couldn’t latch to me. It’s agonizing and consuming.
It is such a biological and primal urge to want to feed your baby, and I simply can’t. It’s wearing me down so much emotionally, I want to stop pumping all together but I don’t know how. I need someone, some mom out there who gets it, to tell me it’s ok to be done :(
submitted by mern_ to beyondthebump [link] [comments]
The lactation consultant at the hospital was no help either, she was in the room for five minutes and just gave me some pamphlets and left. The nurses were super helpful in getting her to latch but unfortunately they weren’t coming home with us to help me every time.
I began pumping as soon as we got home and more so once my milk supply came in. Baby girl still wouldn’t latch so she was having formula and bottled breastmilk. I was constantly beating myself up over this thinking something was wrong with me that I couldn’t feed my baby. I really wanted her to be breastfed. My doula referred us to a lactation consultant in our area who helped us with a lot. She was able to have baby latch with a nipple shield and she told me there isn’t anything anatomically wrong with me, which was a weight taken off my shoulders, but that baby girl was lacking the reflexes that babies are born with in order to produce a wide latch. She also found a tongue tie that our pediatrician missed. So we had to do different mouth exercises and tongue exercises and ultimately were referred to a pediatric dentist for a laser frenectomy.
Fast forward to now baby girl is 4 months old. Still won’t latch, even with the shield she just screams and gets so upset. I want to give up. I’ve accepted and come to terms with being a lost cause for this and that it probably won’t happen. I feel like I don’t have time to keep trying. I don’t produce enough, I don’t drink enough water, I’m not eating enough to feed my milk supply I feel like I don’t have time to eat these days, my nipples are chapped and discolored from pumping, my baby doesn’t see me and think “mom boobies milk” instead she recognizes the bottle and reaches for it and smiles at it and while it’s cute a part of me breaks. I never got to experience the bonding that comes with breastfeeding, the comfort for baby, the exchange of enzymes in her saliva that tells my body what she needs if she’s sick.
You know, my entire life I’ve always felt I was born into the wrong generation but let me tell you, I have never been more grateful to be born into this generation. I’ve been lucky enough to use several different kinds of pumps over the last four months to feed my baby. I never wanted her to be a formula baby (yes I was that mom) but I am beyond thankful to have a formula that’s right for my baby (plus, you can’t tell by looking at someone if they had formula or breastmilk and my girl is perfectly healthy and growing. A story for another time. Fed is best) Way back when, if you couldn’t feed your baby it would die or someone else would have to feed them. This is what I think about when I’m pumping every single time. How I can’t feed my baby because she couldn’t latch to me. It’s agonizing and consuming.
It is such a biological and primal urge to want to feed your baby, and I simply can’t. It’s wearing me down so much emotionally, I want to stop pumping all together but I don’t know how. I need someone, some mom out there who gets it, to tell me it’s ok to be done :(
2024.05.21 15:01 wisdomperception The Six Elements Inquiring into the presupposition of 'I Am' (MN 140)
 | Once, the Buddha had a chance encounter with a young bhikkhu Pukkusāti who had gone forth with faith in the Buddha but had never met him. Mistaking the Buddha for an ordinary bhikkhu, Pukkusāti welcomed him. This led to an intriguing exchange with the Buddha sharing a teaching focusing on the nature of the six elements, the six bases of contact, and the eighteen explorations of the mind.Meditator in a tranquil landscape in an impressionist style Thus have I heard — Once, the Blessed One was wandering in the land of the Magadhans and arrived at Rājagaha; he went to where Bhaggava the potter was. Having approached, the Blessed One said to Bhaggava the potter, "If it's not inconvenient for you, Bhaggava, may we stay in your workshop for one night?" "It's not inconvenient for me, venerable sir. There is an ascetic who arrived first. If he permits it, then stay, venerable sir, as you like," Bhaggava replied. At that time, a young man named Pukkusāti, out of faith in the Blessed One, had gone forth from home into homelessness. He was the one who had arrived first at the potter's workshop. Then, the Blessed One approached where Venerable Pukkusāti was; having approached, he said to Venerable Pukkusāti, "If it's not inconvenient for you, bhikkhu, may we stay in your workshop for one night?" "The workshop is spacious, friend. Please stay, Venerable, as you like," replied Venerable Pukkusāti. Then, the Blessed One entered the potter's workshop and, after preparing a seat of grass at one side, sat down, folding his legs crosswise, setting his body erect, and establishing mindfulness in front of him. The Blessed One spent much of the night seated in meditation. Venerable Pukkusāti too spent much of the night seated in meditation. Then, it occurred to the Blessed One, "This young man conducts himself well. Perhaps I should question him." So, the Blessed One asked Venerable Pukkusāti, "For whom, bhikkhu, have you gone forth? Who is your teacher? Whose Dhamma do you profess?" "Friend, there is the ascetic Gotama, the son of the Sakyans, who went forth from the Sakyan clan. And about the Blessed One Gotama, such a splendid reputation has spread: 'Indeed, he is the Blessed One, an Arahant, a Fully Enlightened One, accomplished in knowledge and conduct, well-gone, a knower of the worlds, an unsurpassed trainer of persons to be tamed, a teacher of gods and humans, the Enlightened One, the Blessed One.' I have gone forth inspired by the Blessed One Gotama. He is my teacher, and it is his Dhamma that I profess." "And where is that Blessed One, the Arahant, the Fully Enlightened One now residing?" the Blessed One asked. "Friend, in the northern country there is a city named Sāvatthi. There the Blessed One, the Arahant, the Fully Enlightened One, is now residing," replied Venerable Pukkusāti. "Have you ever seen that Blessed One before, bhikkhu? Would you recognize him if you saw him?" the Blessed One inquired. "No, friend, I have not seen that Blessed One before; and I would not recognize him if I saw him," Venerable Pukkusāti replied. Then, it occurred to the Blessed One, "This young man has gone forth out of faith in me. Perhaps I should teach him the Dhamma." Then, the Blessed One addressed Venerable Pukkusāti, "I will teach you the Dhamma, bhikkhu. Listen and pay close attention; I will speak." "As you say, friend," Venerable Pukkusāti responded to the Blessed One. The Blessed One said: "This person, bhikkhu, is made of six elements, six bases of contact, eighteen explorations of mind, and is established in four ways; where standing, the notions of 'I am' do not proceed, and in whom, when these notions do not proceed, is called a sage at peace. One should not be negligent in wisdom, should guard the truth, should cultivate relinquishment, and should train for peace itself — this is the essence of the Analysis of the Elements. 'This person, bhikkhu, is made of six elements' — thus it has been said. Why has it been said? There are these six elements, bhikkhu: the earth element, the water element, the fire element, the air element, the space element, and the consciousness element. 'This person, bhikkhu, is made of six elements' — it has been said with reference to this. 'This person, bhikkhu, has six bases of contact' — thus it has been said. Why has it been said? The eye-contact base, the ear-contact base, the nose-contact base, the tongue-contact base, the body-contact base, the mind-contact base. 'This person, bhikkhu, has six bases of contact' — it has been said with reference to this. 'This person, bhikkhu, engages in eighteen explorations of mind' — thus it has been said. Why has it been said? On seeing a form with the eye, one explores a form that gives rise to pleasure, a form that gives rise to displeasure, and a form that gives rise to equanimity; on hearing a sound with the ear ... on smelling an odor with the nose ... on tasting a flavor with the tongue ... on touching a tactile object with the body ... on cognizing a mental object (arisen from a mental quality) with the mind, one explores a mental object that gives rise to pleasure, a mental object that gives rise to displeasure, and a mental object that gives rise to equanimity. 'This person, bhikkhu, engages in eighteen explorations of mind' — it has been said with reference to this. 'This person, bhikkhu, is established in four ways' — thus it has been said. Why has it been said? The establishment of wisdom, the establishment of truth, the establishment of relinquishment, the establishment of peace. 'This person, bhikkhu, is established in four ways' — it has been said with reference to this. 'One should not be negligent in wisdom, should guard the truth, should cultivate relinquishment, and should train for peace itself'— thus it has been said. Why has it been said? The Six ElementsAnd how, bhikkhu, does one not neglect wisdom? There are these six elements, bhikkhu: the earth element, the water element, the fire element, the air element, the space element, and the consciousness element.And what, bhikkhu, is the earth element? The earth element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal earth element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is solid, solidified, and clung to, that is, hair of the head, hair of the body, nails, teeth, skin, flesh, sinews, bones, bone marrow, kidneys, heart, liver, diaphragm, spleen, lungs, intestines, mesentery, contents of the stomach, feces, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is solid, solidified, and clung to — this is called the internal earth element. Both the internal earth element and the external earth element are simply earth elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' — thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the earth element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the earth element. And what, bhikkhu, is the water element? The water element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal water element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is liquid, liquefied, and clung to, that is, bile, phlegm, pus, blood, sweat, fat, tears, grease, spit, snot, oil of the joints, urine, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is liquid, liquefied, and clung to — this is called the internal water element. Both the internal water element and the external water element are simply water elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' — thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the water element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the water element. And what, bhikkhu, is the fire element? The fire element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal fire element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is fire, fiery, and clung to, that is, by which one is warmed, ages, and is consumed, and by which what is eaten, drunk, chewed, and tasted gets fully digested, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is fire, fiery, and clung to — this is called the internal fire element. Both the internal fire element and the external fire element are simply fire elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' — thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the fire element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the fire element. And what, bhikkhu, is the air element? The air element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal air element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is air, airy, and clung to, that is, up-going winds, down-going winds, winds in the belly, winds in the bowels, winds that course through the limbs, in-breathing and out-breathing, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is air, airy, and clung to — this is called the internal air element. Both the internal air element and the external air element are simply air elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' — thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the air element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the air element. And what, bhikkhu, is the space element? The space element may be internal or external. And what, bhikkhu, is the internal space element? Whatever internally, belonging to oneself, is space, spatial, and clung to, that is, the holes of the ears, the nostrils, the door of the mouth, and where whatever is eaten, drunk, chewed, and tasted is swallowed, where it stands, where it is stored, and where it is excreted from below, or whatever else internally, belonging to oneself, is space, spatial, and clung to — this is called the internal space element. Both the internal space element and the external space element are simply space elements. 'This is not mine, this I am not, this is not my self' — thus should it be seen with proper wisdom as it really is. Having seen it thus with proper wisdom, one becomes disenchanted with the space element and makes the mind dispassionate towards the space element. Then, only consciousness remains, pure and bright. And with that consciousness, what does one cognize? One cognizes 'pleasant', one cognizes 'painful', and one cognizes 'neither-painful-nor-pleasant'. The Eighteen Explorations of Mind
One thus understands: 'If I were to direct this equanimity so pure and so bright towards the sphere of infinite space (dissolution of distinctions of form element) and develop my mind accordingly, this equanimity, relying on that, clinging (grasping) to that, would last for a long time. If I were to direct this equanimity so pure and so bright towards the sphere of infinite consciousness (boundless awareness)... towards the sphere of nothingness (emptiness and absence)... towards the sphere of neither perception nor non-perception and develop my mind accordingly, this equanimity, relying on that, clinging to that, would last for a long time.' One thus understands: 'If I were to direct this equanimity, so pure and bright, towards the sphere of infinite space (dissolution of distinctions of form element) and develop my mind accordingly, this is conditioned. If I were to direct this equanimity, so pure and bright, towards the sphere of infinite consciousness... towards the sphere of nothingness... towards the sphere of neither perception nor non-perception and develop my mind accordingly, this is conditioned.' Thus, one does not form any volitional formations for either existence or non-existence. Not forming any volitions for either, one does not cling to anything in the world. Not clinging, one does not worry. Without worry, one personally attains Nibbāna. 'Re-birth is exhausted, the holy life has been lived, what had to be done has been done, there is no more coming to any state of being,' one understands. Whether experiencing a pleasant feeling, one understands 'it is impermanent', 'I am not involved with it', 'I do not delight in it'. Whether experiencing a painful feeling or a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, one understands the same. Experiencing a pleasant feeling, one experiences it unattached; experiencing a painful feeling, one experiences it unattached; experiencing a neither-painful-nor-pleasant feeling, one experiences it unattached. Experiencing a feeling limited to the body, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to the body'; experiencing a feeling limited to life, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to life', 'With the break-up of the body, following death, all that is felt, not being delighted in, will become cool right here.' Just as, bhikkhu, an oil lamp burns dependent on oil and a wick, and with the exhaustion of the oil and wick, it is extinguished due to lack of fuel; similarly, experiencing a feeling limited to the body, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to the body'; experiencing a feeling limited to life, one understands 'I experience a feeling limited to life', 'With the break-up of the body, following death, all that is felt, not being delighted in, will become cool right here.' Established in Four Ways
"One should not neglect wisdom, should protect the truth, should cultivate relinquishment, and should train for peace itself"— thus has it been said. This has been said on account of this. Notions of 'I am'"Where standing, the notions of 'I am' do not proceed, and in whom, when these notions do not proceed, he is called a sage at peace" — thus indeed has it been said. What was this said on account of?"It is 'I am,' bhikkhu, that is a presumption.
"Where standing, the notions of 'I am' do not proceed, and in whom, when these notions do not proceed, he is called a sage at peace"— thus has it been said. This has been said on account of this. "You should remember this brief exposition of the six elements from me, bhikkhu." --------------- In this teaching, the Buddha gets mistaken for an ordinary bhikkhu by a young bhikkhu who had gone forth with faith in the Buddha. It is indicative that the Buddha conducted himself with an outward appearance indistinguishable from that of other bhikkhus that trained under him. Seeing the young bhikkhu conducting himself well, the Buddha shares with him this teaching of the six elements of earth, water, fire, wind, space and consciousness - which when practiced allows for establishing oneself in mindfulness, freed from craving and grief for the world. The Buddha further shares on the eighteen explorations of the mind through the three kinds of feelings: pleasant, painful and neither-painful-nor-pleasant born from the six sense contacts (form meeting the eye, along with arising of eye-consciousness, ... , mental object meeting the mind, along with arising of the mind-consciousness). He shares these as a way to understand the consciousness element and how it cognizes. The Buddha then describes the gradual steps from there that lead to the realization of Nibbāna, leading to being established in the four ways of wisdom, truth, relinquishment, and peace. The Buddha finally shares on the letting go of the 'I am' presumption and any subsequent presumptions that emerge from this, which form the core of what leads one to experience discontentment through worry, agitation, and dissatisfaction. Closely examining the presumption of 'I am' inherent in René Descartes's "Cogito, ergo sum" ("I think, therefore I am"), which has underpinned modern philosophy, scientific and rational investigations, individualism, literature and pop culture, psychology, and technology (including debates on machine consciousness), reveals how deeply the world we find ourselves in today is influenced by this concept. Realizing the truth of "I am" then individually opens up new possibilities and frontiers to be explored across all of these domains. Related Teachings:
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2024.05.21 15:00 Aurfo Out of country, got sick.
I’m 16F, I live in Florida but my family is in Sardinia right now, so EU. I’m away from my doctor.
I have a cough for a couple of days (4?), started coughing out green phlegm around the second day, had a fever yesterday (101.2F or 38.44 C ), and have a fever today (102 F or 38.89.)
Today I also feel like throwing up, but it gets caught in my throat. (Happens to my phlegm too.) Today I feel pain/pressure under my jaw, just above where my Adam’s apple is in my throat. Might be placebo, but I have difficulty swallowing as well
Yesterday (day 3) I got in contact with a doctor in Italy through the computer. She told me to send photos of my tonsils (I did), said they were fine. She gave me 250mg Macladin to take twice a day, and two spoonfuls of grinTuss per day (started yesterday)
My nail beds are also a little blue. That happens whenever I get sick (what does that mean)
I feel bad for ruining the vacation and I want to get better as soon as possible. I also want to make sure im not about to drop dead on the spot
Do you know what I have? I’ll answer questions in the comments. And should I be taking anything else? I’m a tad miserable
submitted by Aurfo to AskDocs [link] [comments]
I have a cough for a couple of days (4?), started coughing out green phlegm around the second day, had a fever yesterday (101.2F or 38.44 C ), and have a fever today (102 F or 38.89.)
Today I also feel like throwing up, but it gets caught in my throat. (Happens to my phlegm too.) Today I feel pain/pressure under my jaw, just above where my Adam’s apple is in my throat. Might be placebo, but I have difficulty swallowing as well
Yesterday (day 3) I got in contact with a doctor in Italy through the computer. She told me to send photos of my tonsils (I did), said they were fine. She gave me 250mg Macladin to take twice a day, and two spoonfuls of grinTuss per day (started yesterday)
My nail beds are also a little blue. That happens whenever I get sick (what does that mean)
I feel bad for ruining the vacation and I want to get better as soon as possible. I also want to make sure im not about to drop dead on the spot
Do you know what I have? I’ll answer questions in the comments. And should I be taking anything else? I’m a tad miserable
2024.05.21 15:00 Knowing_Eve What next? Random yellow stool
In 2012 I suddenly out of nowhere started having severe gallbladder attacks (I didn’t know what they were though, I was a young adult and never had the pain before) to the point I couldn’t eat or stand straight. Then my eyes turned yellow and my urine was bright yellow, stools were white clay colour. The pain was so much that I got taken to hospital and they ran tests and admitted me because I was apparently severely dehydrated (despite drinking enough and eating enough) and my liver was on the verge of failing (their words). I was in hospital for a week. They did an ultrasound on day 4 (they waited this long because apparently they didn’t suspect gallbladder issues due to my age - they were testing me for hepatitis and aids instead.. obviously came back negative). The ultrasound showed nothing, so they said that they suspect gallstones but assume I’ve passed them now.
Left hospital.. stools were yellow off and on for months. Pain was intermittent for months. I’d have mini attacks. Had an ultrasound 4 months after the event and it shows some stones.
Issues seemed to go away.
Through the years since 2012 I’ve had the occasional ‘gallbladder liver’ ‘ache’ sensation in the correct region. Usually after I’d eaten things high in omegas or very oily fatty things. But it was once in a blue moon that it would happen, and I’d take apple cider vinegar and it would resolve the ache very quickly. So it wasn’t really a ‘bother’.
Recently however I’ve been having intermittent and random digestive issues.. my gut will start bubbling and feel weird and then I’ll go to the bathroom and my bowel movement will be super loose or diarrhoea, usually bright yellow. I’ve not noticed anything that actually triggers this, it just happens. The rest of the time my bowel movements are totally normal.
For about 1-2 years now, the upper section of my stomach has been distended/bloated/tight feeling. Sometimes I have to stand up because when I sit down I feel slightly breathless. Not sure if this is linked but I thought I would mention it.
Every time they’ve done blood work it shows my liver enzymes are normal.
I’m in the UK. What do you suggest I do?
I don’t drink, smoke, take any substances, etc. so I’m not sure why it’s happening to me?
Other symptoms are: Acne especially on my shoulders and back, often on my chin too. Adrenaline rushes for no reason. Tachycardia. Random nausea. Sometimes lots of belching or gas for no obvious reason but some food must have triggered it. Can’t eat mayo without feeling crap afterwards and my digestion being weird.
To add - I don’t feel any pain or discomfort at all when I get these digestive issues and stool issues..
submitted by Knowing_Eve to gallbladders [link] [comments]
Left hospital.. stools were yellow off and on for months. Pain was intermittent for months. I’d have mini attacks. Had an ultrasound 4 months after the event and it shows some stones.
Issues seemed to go away.
Through the years since 2012 I’ve had the occasional ‘gallbladder liver’ ‘ache’ sensation in the correct region. Usually after I’d eaten things high in omegas or very oily fatty things. But it was once in a blue moon that it would happen, and I’d take apple cider vinegar and it would resolve the ache very quickly. So it wasn’t really a ‘bother’.
Recently however I’ve been having intermittent and random digestive issues.. my gut will start bubbling and feel weird and then I’ll go to the bathroom and my bowel movement will be super loose or diarrhoea, usually bright yellow. I’ve not noticed anything that actually triggers this, it just happens. The rest of the time my bowel movements are totally normal.
For about 1-2 years now, the upper section of my stomach has been distended/bloated/tight feeling. Sometimes I have to stand up because when I sit down I feel slightly breathless. Not sure if this is linked but I thought I would mention it.
Every time they’ve done blood work it shows my liver enzymes are normal.
I’m in the UK. What do you suggest I do?
I don’t drink, smoke, take any substances, etc. so I’m not sure why it’s happening to me?
Other symptoms are: Acne especially on my shoulders and back, often on my chin too. Adrenaline rushes for no reason. Tachycardia. Random nausea. Sometimes lots of belching or gas for no obvious reason but some food must have triggered it. Can’t eat mayo without feeling crap afterwards and my digestion being weird.
To add - I don’t feel any pain or discomfort at all when I get these digestive issues and stool issues..
2024.05.21 14:58 MasterBaitingBoy Still depressed and hopeless
It’s very hard for me not to fall into depression, hopelessness and be triggered into sadness and dejected mood when I hear stories about heartbreak. I feel a lot of hurt sometimes. I feel pain in my stomach and chest, sensitivity and kind of a numbed out trauma state. Been like a year and a half like this. It’s endless. That lingering feeling of pain and alertness in my body hasn’t gone away.
Every time I hear about people talking about how they ended their relationship of years or how they were lovebombed and then cut off, it makes me think how I was also lovebombed but I didn’t even get to live a moment where the girl that broke my heart was my official girlfriend.
I never got to live any of that happiness. I’ve been struggling so hard with mental health three years, and I swear heartbreak is a 100 times worse when you’re already depressed, depersonalized and have OCD.
I feel so destined for doom and like this shit only happens to me. I have a lot of pain and wish I could cry but I can’t. This past year has been suffering everyday, living out the same curse. Thinking death is a better fate than keep on living in hell, in a reality where nothing improves and I see myself become a failure and all of my worst expectations come true. None of my life is nowhere near what I had reasonable hope of it being.
This isn’t even about her all that much anymore. I don’t care that she’s gone. It’s just what this says about my life and how it’s just another tragedy piling up after another. I did often think that the appropriate ending would be death. There’s literally no thing left for reality to take away from me other than my life. I did have the fantasy of closing my eyes and not waking up again.
submitted by MasterBaitingBoy to BreakUps [link] [comments]
Every time I hear about people talking about how they ended their relationship of years or how they were lovebombed and then cut off, it makes me think how I was also lovebombed but I didn’t even get to live a moment where the girl that broke my heart was my official girlfriend.
I never got to live any of that happiness. I’ve been struggling so hard with mental health three years, and I swear heartbreak is a 100 times worse when you’re already depressed, depersonalized and have OCD.
I feel so destined for doom and like this shit only happens to me. I have a lot of pain and wish I could cry but I can’t. This past year has been suffering everyday, living out the same curse. Thinking death is a better fate than keep on living in hell, in a reality where nothing improves and I see myself become a failure and all of my worst expectations come true. None of my life is nowhere near what I had reasonable hope of it being.
This isn’t even about her all that much anymore. I don’t care that she’s gone. It’s just what this says about my life and how it’s just another tragedy piling up after another. I did often think that the appropriate ending would be death. There’s literally no thing left for reality to take away from me other than my life. I did have the fantasy of closing my eyes and not waking up again.
2024.05.21 14:56 Crazy-Concern8080 Hearts and Minds 4: When All is Said - (Part 5)
Even if you don’t speak the first time, just being with other people who can understand you will help.
First
Previous
You know the drill: credit to SpacePaladin15 for the universe.
Thank you JulianSkies for proofreading.
Memory Transcription Subject: Billy Marsh, Dirt
Date [Standardized Human Time]: March 29, 2142
Why the hell couldn’t I get rid of Gillab? I wanted him gone, he was ruining everything, and he is even technically trespassing in my house. I could easily get him removed with a simple nine-one-one call, so why couldn’t I just do it? Is there something else wrong with my head? Another problem I needed to deal with?
I wish I had some alcohol. Something to take my mind off of this. The memories were starting to come back more and more as well, last night was the worst sleep I have had in a while. The night terrors I once kept away with liquor had returned, something that scared Gillab half to death. He said that I was screaming bloody murder in my sleep, but just like every other time I’ve had a night terror, I couldn’t even remember a single detail.
But that didn’t matter now, what did was trying to give a decent first impression. I don’t know why, it’s not like I care, but I found myself wanting to look halfway presentable for the veterans’ meetup. Maybe I didn’t want others to waste their time worrying about me. Yeah, that was it. They shouldn’t need to worry about dirt like me. Still, I promised to ‘go through the motions,’ so here I was.
I didn’t really know how to describe the building, it almost looked like a warehouse. Short and wide, from the outside one would assume it was just another warehouse, but the inside had been turned into a community center. It was probably just another one of the overbuilt buildings that had been repurposed. There were tones of those around as architects and city planners would miscalculate how many of a certain type of building were needed. Many places were repurposed, this was just another.
I stopped at the door and looked over to Gillab. “This isn’t going to do anything. I’m just wasting time here.”
“No, you aren’t. Even if you don’t realize it, you are healing. Even just walking around outside of your house and eating a half-decent meal has helped, I can see that. You aren’t nearly as angry today as you were yesterday. Now go on, while you are doing this I’m going to run some errands for you. You need real food in your house.”
“Don’t bother, I don’t know how to cook.”
“Then we will learn. I don’t know how to cook Human food either. Kirala is the chef of the house.”
I thought to ask who Kirala was, but bit my tongue. I’m not supposed to care. “Whatever, I’m going in now.”
“See you soon Billy.”
I shut the door behind me and took stock of the room around me. It was a waiting area complete with inoffensive paintings and beige seats. At the opposite end of the room was a woman sitting behind a counter, typing away on a computer. Taking a deep breath, I walked up to talk to her.
“Hello, uhm, I’m here for the veterans’ group therapy session.”
“Oh course, that’ll be down that hall. Room number three, it should be on your left.”
I tried to stop bouncing my leg. “Thank you.”
I didn’t wait for a response and started down the hall, feeling a pit grow more and more in my stomach. What if this goes wrong? What if I just cause more problems? What if I ruin more people’s lives? What if I just make it worse?
I stopped in front of the door, my leg bouncing constantly. This was wrong, I shouldn’t be here. I’m unhelpable, I should just leave. Gillab said he was running errands, he wouldn’t even know that I skipped it.
The pit in my stomach began clearing as I turned away, but I couldn’t even take a single step before I stopped.
No, that’s wrong. I made a promise to Gillab, so I have to do this. Not for me, but for him. Even if I’m useless, I should still respect others.
But I could just lie, he wouldn’t know any better.
But what if he finds out?
Getting chewed out later is much easier than going through with this.
Isn’t this supposed to help though?
Do you think I deserve help?
Why… why shouldn’t I?
Because of what I’ve done. Who I've hurt. Who I have killed. The lives I have ruined trying to help them. If I was anything other than dirt, I could have saved so many more and ruined so few. Now stop stalling, and walk-
“Do you need help, sir?”
My heart plummeted and the bouncing immediately started. I turned around nervously, trying to form a single cohesive thought. A man was standing halfway in the doorway.
Don’t bother him, just say that I’m in the wrong spot.
“Uhh… N-”
My voice caught in my throat, almost causing me to cough.
“Y-yes. Is this the v-veterans’ therapy thing?”
Why did I say that?
The man stepped out of the doorway, a small smile now on his face. “Yep, this is it. You must be Billy, right? Charlotte told me that you were going to start showing up. I’m Richard, and yes, my friends call me Dick.”
Richard stuck out his hand. I stared at it for a split second before realizing I needed to shake it. As I did, I realized that it felt wrong. It was too tough to be a normal Human hand, it was almost like metal.
I looked up from the hand. “Y-you’re an amputee too?”
Richard smiled widely. “Sure am. Lost it on Sillis to an Arxur. I can see - feel - that you lost an arm as well.”
“Yeah… I’d prefer n-not to talk about it.”
Richard lost his smile, but not his courtesy. “I understand. I wasn’t able to even look at mine for a long time. Quite a few were just as unfortunate as us, a number of them come to these sessions as well. Would you like to step in? I was only going to leave to grab some refreshments.”
“S-sure. Yeah. I’ll find a seat.”
“Great, I’ll be right back.”
Richard departed for the end of the hall, leaving me standing awkwardly in front of the door. I could feel the pit begin to grow again and my leg started to bounce furiously.
Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes?
I’m in too deep now to back out, all I can do is go through the motions. It’s just motions. Just another step. One more breath. That’s all I have to do.
I stepped into the room, keeping my head lowered the entire time. There were three other people in the room, chatting idly with one another. Two Humans were chatting together, only briefly pausing to glance at me before starting right back up. The Venlil looked up from his phone and patted the seat next to himself, inviting me to sit next to him.
I sighed internally and made my way over, not wanting to set myself apart as the outcast. The Venlil watched me sit and only started talking when I was settled in. “Hi, I’m Tunek.”
I gave him a short nod, looked away, and realized I was supposed to give my own name. “I-I’m Billy.”
Tunek watched my hand for a moment, before leaning back in his chair. “So, is this your first time being at one of these?”
I nodded quickly. “Yes. I’m only here because of a friend.”
Tunek nodded. “Hey, as long as it gets you here. Just taking the first step is all it takes to start the journey. I stole that from Dick, but don’t tell him I said that.”
I nodded. “Sure.”
Tunek tilted his head in concern and moved to respond, but Richard returned just before he could speak. “Alright, I’m back with the waters and the snacks, why don’t we all grab one before we start?”
Everyone but me left their spot to grab something from the cooler that Richard brought back. The two Humans returned to their seats with some water and a cereal bar each, but Tunek hesitated when he started to return. He took a step, paused when he saw me, and turned back to grab another water and snack bar. He must have been hungry.
I looked down at myself as he walked back. Even if I was hungry, I didn’t deserve something to eat. My suffering was my punishment for what I had done and what I had failed to do. I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t deserve to get better. I’m just dirt, I should just-
“Here you go.”
I looked up to see Tunek handing me a bottle of water and a piece of fruit leather. Tentatively, I reached out and grabbed them. “How’d you know I was hungry?”
Tunek shrugged. “A hunch. It’s a little early for dinner and a bit after lunch and I figured I would be peckish around this time so you might be as well.”
I set the water bottle to the side and peeled open the fruit leather. “Thanks…”
“No problem.”
Richard took a sip of his water as I took my first bite, setting the bottle aside as he began to speak. “Alighty, now that everyone has something to keep them awake, I can start talking. As you might have noticed, we have a new member joining us today. So why don’t we all introduce ourselves? John, do you want to start with a name and a little about yourself?”
The man with short, brown-blonde hair sat up straight. “Sure, I’ll get this started. I’m John, I served the UN for four years before we made first contact, but only served for one after. I’m an only father, but I like to think that my wife is looking down from heaven trying to guide me. However, with how old Rachel is, it feels less like guiding and more strength-giving. Oh, and I hate the taste of lemons. I think that’s about it.”
The mention of lemons caused my stomach to tie itself in a knot. James always hated the taste of lemons. Just another reminder of how useless I am.
The man to the left of John smiled. “I guess it’s my turn. My name is Carter. I served the UN for three years until I was discharged for repeated disorderly conduct. I was in a bad spot for a while, but with the help of Dick here I got out of it. Well, start getting out of it. I still have some… flare-ups, but that’s why I’m here.”
Carter smiled, but it was sad. Tunek let him have his moment of silence, encouraging the veteran to be with his emotions for a moment, before starting his own introduction. “Well, I guess you already know my name, but for the sake of completion, I’ll say it again. I’m Tunek. I served the Venlil Space Force for around one Earth year before first contact, where I served with the UN until the conflict with the Yulpa on Grenelka. I… well… after that I couldn’t serve anymore. Something else… I’ve always wanted to learn how to play an instrument properly, but never had the drive to do it. That’s about it for me. Dick, since you were so kind to leave yourself for last, I think it’s your turn.”
Richard chuckled. “Yeah, I guess it is. Well, like I said earlier, my name is Richard, but don’t be afraid to call me Dick. I come from a military family and have always known the dangers of signing up, but that didn’t stop me. I didn’t realize that the war was affecting me until Milieu. Then and there I knew what needed to be done. Once the war was over, I went straight to work creating this.”
Richard paused for a moment to catch his breath. ”I knew that therapists were going to be swamped and many veterans were going to be left behind, so I took what little experience and knowledge I had with my military family and used it to help as many as I could. So now I meet with tons of veterans throughout the week to help them adjust to civilian life and overcome their internal struggles. I’m glad that you have joined us today and hope that we give a good first impression.”
I wasn’t ready for him to stop talking and scrambled to get my words out. “Y-yeah. So far everyone seems nice.”
“Well, if it’s good for you then it’s good for me. With that all out of the way, why don’t we jump right in? I’m not the type to beat around the bush. Let’s start with a simple recap of the week. How have you all been this last week? Any wins, losses, jumps, or setbacks? Remember, there’s no judgment here. We are all suffering together, but we heal together as well.”
The room was silent for a moment, everyone looking for someone else to start the chain, before Carter spoke up. “I guess I’ll go first, if you’ll let me.”
Richard sat down. “Of course Carter, whenever you are ready.”
Carter nodded and propped himself up on his elbows. “I, uh… I had another meltdown, on Wednesday. It came out of nowhere. Happened in the middle of the supermarket, I thought I was… I managed to make it home in time before it really started, but just barely. I was hardly in my room before I started bawling. I… I feel so alone sometimes. I can be in the middle of the supermarket and feel like I’ve been stranded on an island alone f-for years. I m-miss them so much. Y-you all have made it easier, but sometimes… Sometimes it’s too much.”
John placed a hand on Carter’s back and Richard offered a concerned look. “If you ever feel like that, feel free to call me.”
Carter sniffled and wiped away a forming tear. “I know, I know. You’ve told me before, and I almost did, but I thought that you wouldn’t need me bothering you in the middle of the day.”
“Carter, you know I would drop anything to come to your help. Only me dying could stop me.”
Carter leaned back in his chair and laughed even as he wiped away another tear. “Thank you, Dick, but please don’t go dying. You’re too nice for that.”
Richard smiled. “I don’t plan on it anytime soon, Carter. I still have so many more people to help.”
After a moment of silence, John took the initiative and started his own story. “I had a pretty big win this last week. I finally made it through a whole week without having suicidal thoughts.”
Richard smiled widely. “That's wonderful! I told you that you were making progress.”
“I know, but sometimes I feel like I have no purpose anymore. It’s overwhelming. My daughter is old enough to care for herself, I’m only working a menial labor job, I can’t find any hobbies to enjoy… I feel like nothing.”
“But you aren’t ‘nothing,’ you are you. And there is only one of you. I can’t go out and find another John, or another Carter, or Tunek, or Billy. You are all unique, and losing you would be a tragedy.”
Before I could stop myself, I spoke. “Am I really worth saving?”
Everyone went silent for a moment, caught off guard by my words. After Richard deciphered the sudden question, he gave a response with absolute certainty. “Absolutely. There is nothing in this world that can’t be forgiven or overcome.”
“Are you sure? After the things I’ve done… forget I said anything.”
Richard shook his head. “I can’t do that, Billy. I can’t willingly ignore someone in need.”
“I don’t need help. I’m getting exactly what I deserve for what I have done.”
“And what have you done?”
“I… I don’t want to talk about it.”
Richard sighed. “That’s okay, for now. Eventually, you will have to come to terms with it, but for now, you can just listen if you want to.”
“Yeah. I think I’m just going to listen.”
I leaned back and crossed my arms, letting Tunek speak his mind. “I think I know what you are going through. Not the specifics, but I think I can get a general idea.”
“No, I don’t think you do.”
Tunek was silent for a moment, before looking away from me and speaking. “I was on the Cradle when it fell, and on Sillis when the Arxur raided it, and on Milieu fighting off the Kolshians. I tried to save as many people as I could, but in the end, I could only make their passing less painful. I couldn’t even save my partner. I froze in the moment. I could have saved him. But I was frozen in fear. His death is entirely on my shoulders. I’m still fighting that to this day.”
I stared at Tunek for a second, before turning away and sighing. They didn’t know what I was going through, no one could. They didn’t know my crimes, if they did they would kick me out. Their problems, no matter how real, were nothing compared to mine. They still could be helped, I couldn’t.
Could I? If all these people could heal, why couldn’t I?
Because my crimes are too severe.
I… yeah…
submitted by Crazy-Concern8080 to NatureofPredators [link] [comments]
First
Previous
You know the drill: credit to SpacePaladin15 for the universe.
Thank you JulianSkies for proofreading.
Date [Standardized Human Time]: March 29, 2142
Why the hell couldn’t I get rid of Gillab? I wanted him gone, he was ruining everything, and he is even technically trespassing in my house. I could easily get him removed with a simple nine-one-one call, so why couldn’t I just do it? Is there something else wrong with my head? Another problem I needed to deal with?
I wish I had some alcohol. Something to take my mind off of this. The memories were starting to come back more and more as well, last night was the worst sleep I have had in a while. The night terrors I once kept away with liquor had returned, something that scared Gillab half to death. He said that I was screaming bloody murder in my sleep, but just like every other time I’ve had a night terror, I couldn’t even remember a single detail.
But that didn’t matter now, what did was trying to give a decent first impression. I don’t know why, it’s not like I care, but I found myself wanting to look halfway presentable for the veterans’ meetup. Maybe I didn’t want others to waste their time worrying about me. Yeah, that was it. They shouldn’t need to worry about dirt like me. Still, I promised to ‘go through the motions,’ so here I was.
I didn’t really know how to describe the building, it almost looked like a warehouse. Short and wide, from the outside one would assume it was just another warehouse, but the inside had been turned into a community center. It was probably just another one of the overbuilt buildings that had been repurposed. There were tones of those around as architects and city planners would miscalculate how many of a certain type of building were needed. Many places were repurposed, this was just another.
I stopped at the door and looked over to Gillab. “This isn’t going to do anything. I’m just wasting time here.”
“No, you aren’t. Even if you don’t realize it, you are healing. Even just walking around outside of your house and eating a half-decent meal has helped, I can see that. You aren’t nearly as angry today as you were yesterday. Now go on, while you are doing this I’m going to run some errands for you. You need real food in your house.”
“Don’t bother, I don’t know how to cook.”
“Then we will learn. I don’t know how to cook Human food either. Kirala is the chef of the house.”
I thought to ask who Kirala was, but bit my tongue. I’m not supposed to care. “Whatever, I’m going in now.”
“See you soon Billy.”
I shut the door behind me and took stock of the room around me. It was a waiting area complete with inoffensive paintings and beige seats. At the opposite end of the room was a woman sitting behind a counter, typing away on a computer. Taking a deep breath, I walked up to talk to her.
“Hello, uhm, I’m here for the veterans’ group therapy session.”
“Oh course, that’ll be down that hall. Room number three, it should be on your left.”
I tried to stop bouncing my leg. “Thank you.”
I didn’t wait for a response and started down the hall, feeling a pit grow more and more in my stomach. What if this goes wrong? What if I just cause more problems? What if I ruin more people’s lives? What if I just make it worse?
I stopped in front of the door, my leg bouncing constantly. This was wrong, I shouldn’t be here. I’m unhelpable, I should just leave. Gillab said he was running errands, he wouldn’t even know that I skipped it.
The pit in my stomach began clearing as I turned away, but I couldn’t even take a single step before I stopped.
No, that’s wrong. I made a promise to Gillab, so I have to do this. Not for me, but for him. Even if I’m useless, I should still respect others.
But I could just lie, he wouldn’t know any better.
But what if he finds out?
Getting chewed out later is much easier than going through with this.
Isn’t this supposed to help though?
Do you think I deserve help?
Why… why shouldn’t I?
Because of what I’ve done. Who I've hurt. Who I have killed. The lives I have ruined trying to help them. If I was anything other than dirt, I could have saved so many more and ruined so few. Now stop stalling, and walk-
“Do you need help, sir?”
My heart plummeted and the bouncing immediately started. I turned around nervously, trying to form a single cohesive thought. A man was standing halfway in the doorway.
Don’t bother him, just say that I’m in the wrong spot.
“Uhh… N-”
My voice caught in my throat, almost causing me to cough.
“Y-yes. Is this the v-veterans’ therapy thing?”
Why did I say that?
The man stepped out of the doorway, a small smile now on his face. “Yep, this is it. You must be Billy, right? Charlotte told me that you were going to start showing up. I’m Richard, and yes, my friends call me Dick.”
Richard stuck out his hand. I stared at it for a split second before realizing I needed to shake it. As I did, I realized that it felt wrong. It was too tough to be a normal Human hand, it was almost like metal.
I looked up from the hand. “Y-you’re an amputee too?”
Richard smiled widely. “Sure am. Lost it on Sillis to an Arxur. I can see - feel - that you lost an arm as well.”
“Yeah… I’d prefer n-not to talk about it.”
Richard lost his smile, but not his courtesy. “I understand. I wasn’t able to even look at mine for a long time. Quite a few were just as unfortunate as us, a number of them come to these sessions as well. Would you like to step in? I was only going to leave to grab some refreshments.”
“S-sure. Yeah. I’ll find a seat.”
“Great, I’ll be right back.”
Richard departed for the end of the hall, leaving me standing awkwardly in front of the door. I could feel the pit begin to grow again and my leg started to bounce furiously.
Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes? Why did I say yes?
I’m in too deep now to back out, all I can do is go through the motions. It’s just motions. Just another step. One more breath. That’s all I have to do.
I stepped into the room, keeping my head lowered the entire time. There were three other people in the room, chatting idly with one another. Two Humans were chatting together, only briefly pausing to glance at me before starting right back up. The Venlil looked up from his phone and patted the seat next to himself, inviting me to sit next to him.
I sighed internally and made my way over, not wanting to set myself apart as the outcast. The Venlil watched me sit and only started talking when I was settled in. “Hi, I’m Tunek.”
I gave him a short nod, looked away, and realized I was supposed to give my own name. “I-I’m Billy.”
Tunek watched my hand for a moment, before leaning back in his chair. “So, is this your first time being at one of these?”
I nodded quickly. “Yes. I’m only here because of a friend.”
Tunek nodded. “Hey, as long as it gets you here. Just taking the first step is all it takes to start the journey. I stole that from Dick, but don’t tell him I said that.”
I nodded. “Sure.”
Tunek tilted his head in concern and moved to respond, but Richard returned just before he could speak. “Alright, I’m back with the waters and the snacks, why don’t we all grab one before we start?”
Everyone but me left their spot to grab something from the cooler that Richard brought back. The two Humans returned to their seats with some water and a cereal bar each, but Tunek hesitated when he started to return. He took a step, paused when he saw me, and turned back to grab another water and snack bar. He must have been hungry.
I looked down at myself as he walked back. Even if I was hungry, I didn’t deserve something to eat. My suffering was my punishment for what I had done and what I had failed to do. I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t deserve to get better. I’m just dirt, I should just-
“Here you go.”
I looked up to see Tunek handing me a bottle of water and a piece of fruit leather. Tentatively, I reached out and grabbed them. “How’d you know I was hungry?”
Tunek shrugged. “A hunch. It’s a little early for dinner and a bit after lunch and I figured I would be peckish around this time so you might be as well.”
I set the water bottle to the side and peeled open the fruit leather. “Thanks…”
“No problem.”
Richard took a sip of his water as I took my first bite, setting the bottle aside as he began to speak. “Alighty, now that everyone has something to keep them awake, I can start talking. As you might have noticed, we have a new member joining us today. So why don’t we all introduce ourselves? John, do you want to start with a name and a little about yourself?”
The man with short, brown-blonde hair sat up straight. “Sure, I’ll get this started. I’m John, I served the UN for four years before we made first contact, but only served for one after. I’m an only father, but I like to think that my wife is looking down from heaven trying to guide me. However, with how old Rachel is, it feels less like guiding and more strength-giving. Oh, and I hate the taste of lemons. I think that’s about it.”
The mention of lemons caused my stomach to tie itself in a knot. James always hated the taste of lemons. Just another reminder of how useless I am.
The man to the left of John smiled. “I guess it’s my turn. My name is Carter. I served the UN for three years until I was discharged for repeated disorderly conduct. I was in a bad spot for a while, but with the help of Dick here I got out of it. Well, start getting out of it. I still have some… flare-ups, but that’s why I’m here.”
Carter smiled, but it was sad. Tunek let him have his moment of silence, encouraging the veteran to be with his emotions for a moment, before starting his own introduction. “Well, I guess you already know my name, but for the sake of completion, I’ll say it again. I’m Tunek. I served the Venlil Space Force for around one Earth year before first contact, where I served with the UN until the conflict with the Yulpa on Grenelka. I… well… after that I couldn’t serve anymore. Something else… I’ve always wanted to learn how to play an instrument properly, but never had the drive to do it. That’s about it for me. Dick, since you were so kind to leave yourself for last, I think it’s your turn.”
Richard chuckled. “Yeah, I guess it is. Well, like I said earlier, my name is Richard, but don’t be afraid to call me Dick. I come from a military family and have always known the dangers of signing up, but that didn’t stop me. I didn’t realize that the war was affecting me until Milieu. Then and there I knew what needed to be done. Once the war was over, I went straight to work creating this.”
Richard paused for a moment to catch his breath. ”I knew that therapists were going to be swamped and many veterans were going to be left behind, so I took what little experience and knowledge I had with my military family and used it to help as many as I could. So now I meet with tons of veterans throughout the week to help them adjust to civilian life and overcome their internal struggles. I’m glad that you have joined us today and hope that we give a good first impression.”
I wasn’t ready for him to stop talking and scrambled to get my words out. “Y-yeah. So far everyone seems nice.”
“Well, if it’s good for you then it’s good for me. With that all out of the way, why don’t we jump right in? I’m not the type to beat around the bush. Let’s start with a simple recap of the week. How have you all been this last week? Any wins, losses, jumps, or setbacks? Remember, there’s no judgment here. We are all suffering together, but we heal together as well.”
The room was silent for a moment, everyone looking for someone else to start the chain, before Carter spoke up. “I guess I’ll go first, if you’ll let me.”
Richard sat down. “Of course Carter, whenever you are ready.”
Carter nodded and propped himself up on his elbows. “I, uh… I had another meltdown, on Wednesday. It came out of nowhere. Happened in the middle of the supermarket, I thought I was… I managed to make it home in time before it really started, but just barely. I was hardly in my room before I started bawling. I… I feel so alone sometimes. I can be in the middle of the supermarket and feel like I’ve been stranded on an island alone f-for years. I m-miss them so much. Y-you all have made it easier, but sometimes… Sometimes it’s too much.”
John placed a hand on Carter’s back and Richard offered a concerned look. “If you ever feel like that, feel free to call me.”
Carter sniffled and wiped away a forming tear. “I know, I know. You’ve told me before, and I almost did, but I thought that you wouldn’t need me bothering you in the middle of the day.”
“Carter, you know I would drop anything to come to your help. Only me dying could stop me.”
Carter leaned back in his chair and laughed even as he wiped away another tear. “Thank you, Dick, but please don’t go dying. You’re too nice for that.”
Richard smiled. “I don’t plan on it anytime soon, Carter. I still have so many more people to help.”
After a moment of silence, John took the initiative and started his own story. “I had a pretty big win this last week. I finally made it through a whole week without having suicidal thoughts.”
Richard smiled widely. “That's wonderful! I told you that you were making progress.”
“I know, but sometimes I feel like I have no purpose anymore. It’s overwhelming. My daughter is old enough to care for herself, I’m only working a menial labor job, I can’t find any hobbies to enjoy… I feel like nothing.”
“But you aren’t ‘nothing,’ you are you. And there is only one of you. I can’t go out and find another John, or another Carter, or Tunek, or Billy. You are all unique, and losing you would be a tragedy.”
Before I could stop myself, I spoke. “Am I really worth saving?”
Everyone went silent for a moment, caught off guard by my words. After Richard deciphered the sudden question, he gave a response with absolute certainty. “Absolutely. There is nothing in this world that can’t be forgiven or overcome.”
“Are you sure? After the things I’ve done… forget I said anything.”
Richard shook his head. “I can’t do that, Billy. I can’t willingly ignore someone in need.”
“I don’t need help. I’m getting exactly what I deserve for what I have done.”
“And what have you done?”
“I… I don’t want to talk about it.”
Richard sighed. “That’s okay, for now. Eventually, you will have to come to terms with it, but for now, you can just listen if you want to.”
“Yeah. I think I’m just going to listen.”
I leaned back and crossed my arms, letting Tunek speak his mind. “I think I know what you are going through. Not the specifics, but I think I can get a general idea.”
“No, I don’t think you do.”
Tunek was silent for a moment, before looking away from me and speaking. “I was on the Cradle when it fell, and on Sillis when the Arxur raided it, and on Milieu fighting off the Kolshians. I tried to save as many people as I could, but in the end, I could only make their passing less painful. I couldn’t even save my partner. I froze in the moment. I could have saved him. But I was frozen in fear. His death is entirely on my shoulders. I’m still fighting that to this day.”
I stared at Tunek for a second, before turning away and sighing. They didn’t know what I was going through, no one could. They didn’t know my crimes, if they did they would kick me out. Their problems, no matter how real, were nothing compared to mine. They still could be helped, I couldn’t.
Could I? If all these people could heal, why couldn’t I?
Because my crimes are too severe.
I… yeah…