Sylvia https://imgur.com/gallery/GK6ShZQ

Sylvia Rhodes

"One whom strives is one whom succeeds.."

Age: 15
Height of 5'3"
Birthday: August 22, 2024
Born in Jamaica, Raised in California...
Godrent: Triton , Leiutenant of the sea..
Identity: Female (she/her), straight ally

Appearance:

Ebony skin, she always wears her hair in fashionable dreads with silver beads strewn through it. Heterechromia: One bright blue eye and one interestingly red-pink eye. No one can explain where it comes from. She has a scar down, diagonal, through her red-pink eye, she covers it with makeup often. Sylvia has snakebite piercings on either side of her bottom lip, that she switches out for shiny metals often, as if changing clothes. Her hair kind of moves like water.

Personality:

Bratty rich girl - She gets what she wants, doesn't matter how she has to achieve it. If she wants it, it's her's. She gets angry easily and is good when it comes to manipulation and playing the victim. She's a bully, you're different? Weirdo. Kind of bully.

Family:

Kira Rhodes: mother, famous model and ex-olympic swimmer, gives her daughter whatever she wants, 39
Triton: father, never met him, hopes he's cool (and possibly hopes he'll give her something if they ever 'reunite'), Greek god
Naomi Rhodes: Kira's wife, stepmom, spoils Sylvia as well, 35, filmstar
Cerberus: her little black lab puppy, 3 months old, not the actual cerberus

Powers:

Weapons:

Trident - "it's pretty and practical, okay, darling?" High heel - "look, they're always there. It makes sense."

Background...

Sylvia was 13 when her mother had to tell her the truth, who her father was.
Sylvia had, unironically, drenched a saleswoman in water from the mall fountain when the woman tried to touch her. Of course; Sylvia doesn't like that. No permission? No access. That's how she works. So of course she did not take kindly to a 'lowly salesperson' grabbing her 3,000 dollar faux-fur jacket.
When her mother explained everything, it seemed that everyone was in the loop. Her mom, her maid, her stepmom, everyone but her. But whatever.
Sylvia was born on one of the Caribbean islands and her and her mother moved to California when her mom stopped representing the Bahamas in the Olympics. That was when her mom's job took off like a rocket. And there she was, the rich, pretty, smart, popular girl at school who came from abroad (or about abroad at it can bs counted) and whose mom(s) were famous. Everyone wanted to be her, or with her, or something like that.
When she was 12, she'd gotten into a bad accident resulting in her scar. And she's ashamed of it.
Then, one of those 'stupid dog penguins' attacked Sylvia while she was at a beach party her school was hosting. Then her moms whisked her away to camp, where she was left to, as she put it, shrivel up and die.

Present...

Sylvia stood at the edge of camp, wearing her baby blue tank-top crop-top and gray jeans with her (3,000 dollar) faux-fur jacket. Her blue heels weren't sinking in the dirt, yet.
She flicks her dreads over her shoulder and starts to walk into camp, standing tall and walking proud. Her while suitcases were all attached to eachother aside from her purse, which hung from her shoulder whilst she dragged the suitcases. She was not happy about this, but atleast her parents allowed her to pack whatever she wished.
So now she made her way down the hill, her silver ring shimmering with a seafoam green sheen. Of course, her Trident was hidden within it.

Essa porcaria não é pra mim!
Estudo tudo certinho pra zerar numa lista de exercício e foder minha chance de fazer um IC ou qualquer bosta, mesmo sabendo resolver toda as perguntas!
Erro de atenção me come vivo, e é uma questão de tempo até eu ficar de DP em 5 matérias. Não tenho psicológico pra essa joça. Caguei se tem gente que sofreu mais do que eu, essa porcaria tá me causando ansiedade ao ponto de eu ter diarreia perto de época de prova e quase ter uma concussão me automutilando por frustração. O departamento de física aqui é carrasco e a gente tudo se fode!
Não quero saber se é normal, se todo mundo passa por isso, se universidade pública é assim, caguei baldes para essas frasezinhas genéricas de efeito, minha saúde mental é a prioridade
Fuck this shit i'm out.
Vou prestar vestibular denovo e ir pras artes ou outra coisa que seja pra mim mesmo, vou ter estresse do mesmo jeito mas é uma área que eu gosto e tenho conhecimento aprofundado

Hi, I know some of you have been interested in Joost’s written stuff, so this is one of them. It’s a short story that Joost wrote for Boekenweek voor Jongeren (Book Week for Young People) in 2019. There’s more info about it here (in Dutch) https://www.vice.com/nl/article/qvgzpv/joost-klein-schreef-een-kort-verhaal-over-een-wilde-nacht-in-berlijn and there was also this promo video for it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wx7wxnpxps0. It's been translated from Dutch - maybe not the most perfect translation but it's readable. Original in Dutch here. Enjoy

"How come he suddenly has cash?" I looked at Gurb, but he avoided my gaze. Louis never had money and yet he was buying another round. Meanwhile, a Moby song was playing and nothing made sense. "If he has money for drinks, he can surely pay me back, right?"
Just a few hours ago, I was alone in Berlin. Now, ten hours later, I'm standing in some obscure techno club with my best friends. Loud rock music with drunken shouting. "Hey, Miss Murder, can I make beauty stay if I take my life?" I woke up that day with a mild hangover from the lonely yet people-filled night before. Perfect conditions for a 20-year-old dropout.
The Hard Rock Café was the most beautifully ugly place in Berlin. Gurb had driven for seven hours straight in his mother's car, but we didn't notice. An iconic black Mini Cooper. Your body leads your mind, the beat never stops, and you can conquer the world. Louis threw in another crazy dance move. We were happy.
"Do you want another drink, brother?" Gurb asked me, half shouting. An evening filled with rhetorical questions. He saw me dancing and already knew the answer.
Gurb always had money. Louis, on the other hand, never did. Louis was also the youngest of us three. He had just turned 18. I wouldn't call him a cunning fox. More like a jack-of-all-trades. Like the time he made a lot of money on a Wadden Island with a group of boys. They sold large blocks of hash.
"Crazy dude!" I shouted at him. He yelled something back.
"Do you remember back then?" Louis said.
"Back then? Back then? Yeah man, of course!" I had no idea what he meant. "Do you mean the party?"
"Do you mean the party, he says! This guy. When I look at you like this, it makes me happy. The exact same kid is here letting loose just like back in high school!"
We knew each other from secondary school. He joined when I was in the second grade. He was very intelligent. Too young, too much knowledge of the world. His mother is from Brazil. We often went to his mother's place to play on the Playstation Louis and I had bought together.
I lived everywhere at that time. In the crisis shelter where I stayed for a while, for example, I wasn't allowed to have a Playstation. So we set it up in an accessible place, near school. It was always fun with Louis. Going together to the Apple Store. Taking all kinds of photos with all the webcams, posting them on Hyves, and then leaving. Louis always knew how to cheer me up.
"Aaaaaaaaaa!" There was Gurb with five drinks in his hands. Gurb was wearing a blue checkered shirt. Two buttons undone. Hair slicked back. "You look good, brother!"
"You look fresh too! We all look fresh!" Gurb said enthusiastically. Louis was wearing a completely white outfit. We quickly bought this before going out. He also bleached his hair.
"You look like the Brazilian cousin of James Dean in these clothes," I said. Louis laughed. "Let me take a picture."
Suddenly, the DJ switched to some kind of techno. "Ah, here Berlin briefly takes off its mask." I was fine with it all. Louis was talking to a lady.
Voluptuous breasts, I thought to myself. He gave her one of his two drinks.
"He's with a girl and he's thinking with his dick," I said to Gurb. "Let him be, tonight Berlin is ours!"
The bass kept pounding. "I simply don't have the patience for the club," I said to Gurb. He looked surprised. Like a sweet dog, tilting his head. "I'm just waiting for tomorrow. Can't do my thing here. Don't have patience for the already known. I want adventure and I want it now!"
Gurb started laughing. "Patience is a virtue." Yes. Patience is all well and good, but I think it's a waste of my time. Gurb grabbed my shoulder.
"I think it's time for another beer."
Louis and I were walking through Leeuwarden a year ago when suddenly a red Ford Ka stopped in front of us. It was Gurb, casually driving around the city. He invited us into his car. We hopped in. Since that afternoon, the three of us were together. A few months later, Louis got a tattoo on his ribs in honor of our friendship. It was the name of our group chat. Braddar Force Indigo.
There were also days when Gurb would take me for a drive around Friesland. He reminded me how beautiful Friesland is. The world doesn't spin there. The newspapers I threw away in the Stiens forest in 2011 could still be lying in the same spot, so to speak.
Just before midnight, I found myself in line for the restroom. My eyes fell on a pair of striking shoes. Cigarette smoke invaded my nose for the fourth time. "Müssen Sie eine Zigarette haben?" a female voice spoke to me. I felt like Tom Hanks in the final scene of Angels & Demons, where the new pope first steps onto the balcony. The curtains opened. There I was, witnessing an important moment in history. I was just told how I was sent by God, but my ears didn't want to hear any of it. At least that's how I felt. My mouth was empty. I had no words left. That's when I knew for sure. Berlin might really be as crazy as literally everyone says.
Dark blond, silky hair. Was this real beauty then? She wouldn't look 40, but I think she was. A true woman. Beautiful in all her elegance. I always joked about being interested in older women, but tonight one stood in front of me. "I don't smoke," I said to her.
Someone tapped me. "Please, just go to the toilet!" He was right. I hadn't peed in a while either. My urine was cloudy. "Glomerulonephritis," I said to myself on the toilet. This is an unusual condition. It's an inflammation in the kidneys, I thought I remembered. They should never have given me access to Google.
The evening progressed, and Louis kept buying rounds. "But seriously now. How does Louis suddenly have all that money for drinks?" I asked Gurb. He was outside smoking with a group of Swiss girls. I had strategically positioned myself so that I could always leave the crime scene if necessary.
"You shouldn't ask me," said Gurb. He was laughing with the temporary girlfriend group of Louis. Gurb has a beard. A lot of chicks like that. I get it too.
As much as I enjoyed Louis and Gurb being here for me, something didn't sit right with me. It couldn't just be about the money. "What's up with him?" I heard one of the Swiss girls say to Gurb.
Those kinds of questions really tire me out. "Not much, with you?" I replied.
They all started laughing. "That's not what she meant, brother," said Gurb.
"I couldn't care less whether she meant it or not. Send that brace-face back to Switzerland. Don't drive me crazy, alright!"
Actually, I hadn't drunk that much that evening. "Two vodka Sprites, please!" It's rare for me to get just one drink. "I always get two drinks, then you have to wait shorter for the third one!" Maybe the alcohol was affecting me more than I wanted to admit. Oh well, it was still the three of us against the world.
"Nice shoes, are those Prada?" I asked a random girl at the bar.
"No, these are fake. Why would I buy real ones for 600 dollars if I could just buy these for 20?"
"..."
I'm not very good at that. Talking. To women.
Louis and Gurb were in the smoking area now. It was less blue than the dance floor itself. My clothes already stank, so a visit to the smoking area couldn't hurt. "These people are so underground!" Gurb shouted. Louis was filming him with his phone. "These people..." There was a brief pause. As if Gurb forgot the only line he had. "...so underground!" All three of us burst into laughter. The alcohol flowed through our veins as if it came from the purest mountains. People seemed doubled and the room was full. We had been in the same club in Berlin for several hours.
"Leonardo! What are you hiding from the big boss?" I sometimes called Louis ‘DiCaprio.’ "You a rich guy, now?" I said, with an accent as if I were from the Bronx.
Louis started laughing. "Eh, you know nothing. Bullshit talk."
I had to laugh too. What was I even worried about? Friends are friends, with or without money. That shouldn't matter. Louis probably just worked for that money. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. Maybe he just had enough to buy rounds. But what if my gut feeling was right? That feeling was never wrong. Except for that one time at the Holland Casino in Groningen. Even the best of us have slip-ups. I was just getting worked up again. When it comes down to it, Louis is one of the sweetest guys I know. I had to let it go. After all, it's still Louis.
"I think I'm going to have sex soon, man," Louis said.
"With who?" I asked immediately.
"That one girl."
"Which one?"
"The one with the boobs."
"Oh, her. Just be careful."
"What kind of reaction is that?" Louis asked indignantly.
I'd only had four drinks, but I was acting like a mess. Louis was right. I didn't understand myself. Where was my head at? I'm here in Berlin, supposed to be having the time of my life, but here I am feeling lonely and sad again. Joost once again couldn't control his emotions.
"Sorry," I suddenly said to Louis. "Sorry for my behavior. Been acting dumb towards you all night. It's unnecessary." Sometimes I have that. Mood swings. "Know that crime is never the solution. We've talked about this so many times. Yes, it's tempting and sometimes easy money. I sometimes find it amusing too, but it's always hypothetical. Ask me for help. I can help you, even with illegal things. I'll always have your back." The dancing was kind of over.
The words I had just placed on Louis's plate came from my heart. My Frisian, irregular boys' heart.
Crying in the club. I had never seen myself like that. Crying, yes. In the club, no. I never understood the taboo around crying. Or emotions in general. I saw myself in the mirror. They weren't tears of joy. They weren't tears of sadness either. It was me letting everything go. All the emotions I had ever felt. The emotions I felt between my brother and sister and myself because they wanted to take on a parental role over me, but I was in puberty, so I pushed them away. The emotions I felt when my old neighbors were supposed to take care of my dog, but didn't tell me that he was bitten by one of their dogs. They didn't have money for the surgery, they later told me. They were ashamed of their lack of money. My dog died from this injury. Even the emotions that were all jumping at once during the retake for my swimming diploma A, I let go of.
No emotions. Just for a moment, not feeling anything. Is that too much to ask for?
"You still don’t smoke?"
It had to be the voice of the woman with the cigarettes. I looked over my shoulder through the mirror. It was her. The one with dark blond, silky hair.
"Not to be rude, but this is the men’s room," I said. She took a step closer and kissed me on my lips. It tasted like more. We started kissing. It had been a while since I had had female contact at this level. It probably didn't look good and it didn't feel good either. She started kissing my neck. Slowly, I noticed the pressure in the erectile tissues of my penis starting to increase. "I really don't have time for this!" I thought to myself. The woman with the cigarettes started to slowly sink down until she was on her knees. I didn't want this. Not now, not like this. She unraveled my penis from my Polo Ralph Lauren underwear. Her tongue was blue. It was probably from cheap shots of alcohol.
Was this real beauty then? Was this the beginning or the end of her story? And had I become the boy my parents hoped I would be? I thought about the fact that this was once someone's little daughter. Somewhere in the world, an old man might be wondering what his daughter is doing. Am I really putting pleasure above my own morals and values?
With my semi-erect circumcised penis still exposed, I lifted her up. After giving her a kiss on her forehead, I pulled up my pants and left the toilets.
It was the usual last hour in any club ever. I met Louis and Gurb at the bar. "Should we have another drink?" I asked Gurb. "I feel like having a cocktail. Something sweet. Lots of sugar. What about you?"
Gurb looked at the menu. "A cognac would go down well right now."
"A cognac? You're only nineteen!" Gurb and Louis laughed. "Two Tequila Sunrises please!" I called to the bartender. "Also, two beers! Thanks!" I also got a beer for Louis. At first, I didn't want to, but I didn't want to spoil the mood either. Besides, I didn't want to show too much that it bothered me so much.
We danced away the last minutes. The club closed, and we decided to walk with the group of Swiss girls. Apparently, they were staying nearby.
As I lagged behind the group, one of them tried to start a conversation with me. "Are you okay?" she asked kindly.
"I'm fine. Just had too much beer. Makes me sleepy." Not true at all, but I've heard people say that.
"You’re tired? The fun has only just began!" And as she said this, she pulled something out of her inner pocket. Her clenched fist, shielded by a half jacket. Who is this girl, anyway? I thought to myself. She opened her hand flat, and right in the center of her palm lay two small pills with a smiley face on them. At least, they looked like it.
"Oh, I don’t do drugs. Sorry."
"Me neither!" And she swallowed a pill. "Now it’s your turn... Or are you scared?"
Scared? Who did this crazy Swiss witch (with really beautiful eyes) think she was. With her "are you scared". I'll show her who's scared.
"Scared? I’m not scared." I picked up the remaining pill and swallowed it.
Everything went in slow motion. Was this who I had become? Was this the same boy from high school? And just before I could swallow, I spat out the pill. She was shocked. I picked up the pill again, dried it with my jacket, and put it back in her fist. "Maybe later!" I shouted, running back to the group, over my shoulder.
I have nothing to say to 9 out of 10 peers I come across. Of course, I can be social. I can also have fun with random people in random situations, but that night, it just tired me out. I also didn't understand what we were doing there. Those girls found me strange anyway. Suddenly, I was the fifth wheel.
"We know this place where they go until 7 in the morning!" The girl leader of the group spoke. I wanted to go home. "If you guys want, you can go. Don't worry about me," I said to Gurb and Louis. The boys had a brief discussion. We agreed to stay for just a little while longer for some drinks. I consented. I was thirsty. "I'll have a Fanta, Louis."
Gurb had reached the last cigarette in his pack. Louis and a girl from the group were nowhere to be found. It didn't even bother me. This guy just walks around with some cash in his pocket and all hell breaks loose. After a night full of stimuli, I understood Louis. Of course, I understood Louis. He's a young god. Handsome, smart guy. But that didn't make me any less angry. It was purely about trust for me. Something inside me said I should stop subconsciously expecting things from people too. It prevents disappointment.
"Hotel please!" I jokingly suggested to Gurb. "Should you call Louis or should I?" I added. Gurb immediately grabbed his Android smartphone and called Louis. He put the call on speaker.
"Are you ready?" Gurb asked.
"Yeah. Sort of."
"What do you mean?"
"We didn't have sex."
"That's fine, right? Tomorrow's a new day!"
"I think I'm in love, man," Louis said.
"...," Gurb said, chuckling as he let out a sigh.
Once we arrived at the girls' hostel, it was already getting light. Louis was thankfully back. There were stains on his pants, around his knees. My focus was solely on arranging a taxi. Although the boys were still flirting, I was really done now. "How are we going to pay for this taxi?" I said a bit too loudly.
There was a silence. "Don't worry. I still have cash," Gurb said.
"Yeah, I knew you would," I replied.
My words clearly hit Louis. "What do you mean by that?" he said.
It was as if time stood still for a few seconds. "Exactly what I said. Better listen." Louis pulled out a small wad of green bills from his pocket. At least 400 euros. "I don't even want to see that money," I reacted. I walked away.
I'll just order a taxi myself.
"Why are you walking away now?" Gurb said.
"Twelve hours ago, I was alone too, and I had a lot more fun then."
"Do you really want to know how I got this money?" Louis said.
Yes, I did want to know. My whole evening revolved around that damn money.
He took a second of pause before he began speaking. "The answer lies in the Mini."
What on earth could be in Gurb's mother's car? Louis was trying to get into my head. "Taxi!"
Once in the taxi, the division was clear. Gurb was upfront, chatting animatedly with the driver. All adventures ever were recounted. Louis and I in the back. One of my best friends since I was thirteen. Funny how things turn out. It was quiet between us. I was in my head, rehearsing how I would bring up the money again. It didn't add up, and he knew it himself. "I don't care, you know," I said, hoping he'd break.
"What don't you care about?"
"About that money."
"What money? You're really a crazy woozy man." Louis burst out laughing again.
On the other hand, it was silent. Gurb had started talking about the driver's family. The driver didn't appreciate it. Gurb meant well. The driver smelled of alcohol. Or was it me? His nails were polished. Maybe his wife was a specialist. I bite my nails myself. Like now.
"In the Mini, oh yeah."
"Shut up. Illegal man."
"You'll never know."
"Stop playing. Just say it!"
Louis grabbed my head, pulled himself towards me, and brought his mouth to my right ear. "Why so serious?" he whispered. He didn't want to tell me.
"But always with this damn money, huh?" I almost shouted at Louis. I broke every silence within a radius of 10 kilometers.
"I'm trying my best, bro. It is what it is. I can't make it any different," he replied. It was clearly bothering him deeply. He ran his hands through his hair. "Sometimes people have to do things. And you know that better than anyone. Sometimes they have to do things they don't really want to or aren't supposed to do."
I knew this spiel all too well. Through all the drunken haziness, I suddenly saw a small glimmer of light. A tiny spark of sincerity. Louis was serious this time.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to involve you in this. I'm sorry," sweat dripped from his forehead.
"You're serious, huh? Damn, man. What mess have you gotten yourself into now? Worse than Terschelling?" Worse than Terschelling would mean stolen goods. Maybe even violence.
"It's not what you think."
"The Adlon Hotel, right?" the driver chimed in. Always saved by the bell, that Louis.
Suddenly I hit my head against the seat in front of me. Of course, I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. The last thing I saw was Gurb waking up in panic from his drunken stupor. One by one, I started losing my senses. It started with the feeling in my fingers. For a brief moment, everything wasn't quite black, and I could only see a vague pattern of colors repeating inside my eyelids. You could compare it to the brief moment after the commercial break before the movie starts in the cinema. The movie was about to begin.
I knew I wasn't dying. At least not yet. Not like this. Not after an overall mediocre night out in Berlin. I found comfort in the image I forced myself to see. It was all in my head. There I was, unconscious.
I saw myself in a third-person point of view. It wasn't like I was actually leaving my body. More like there was a webcam hanging in one of the upper corners of the taxi.
As a child, I used to dream a lot about death. Nights spent awake.
At some point, I developed a kind of compulsive behavior. I kept swaying my torso from left to right with my hands under my head. It became almost like a workout before bedtime. Every night.
I called it dream shuffling. Just like I had learned to shuffle puzzle pieces or playing cards. Making things a little exciting for yourself. But what I almost never told anyone was that I was scared. I was afraid of burglars, who were very agile and muscular.
Especially afraid that they would murder me. I really wanted to know what death was like. It scared me.
These fear visions originated during an all-inclusive vacation in Turkey. I was 6 years old and already in bed. There was a big old TV in our hotel room, so I could secretly watch TV from bed. Every evening, my parents sat on the balcony. Here they discussed their day while enjoying a glass of alcohol. There was a Japanese animated series on TV. In the few seconds that I watched, I saw a scary creature climbing a sort of apartment complex via the balconies. The creature had hundreds of teeth and blond hair. It quickly entered to decapitate the people, then drained them and, as a final insult, robbed them. Dozens of carcasses of dead people were scattered around the apartment complex. The complex on TV resembled the resort where we were in reality, and the TV world merged with my surroundings. I became part of it. I saw people watching. No matter how loudly I screamed for help, they didn't react. The sun became very bright, and the people turned into nothing more than shadows. As the intensity of the sun increased, something became clear to me. These were not people. They had a sort of orange skin. Where I had previously thought it was their nose and mouth, it turned out that these shadowy figures did not have such physical features. They simply had three holes in their heads. The police tried to do something, but in vain. Since then, we always kept the light on in the hallway outside my bedroom. By rocking back and forth, from left to right, I could glance fleetingly at the beam of light under the door. That bit of light, escaping from the hallway into my room, gave me an advantage. It allowed me to stay one step ahead of the burglars. Pretty smart, right?
"From Jamaica to the world!
It’s just love. Why must the children play in the street?"
It was Bob Sinclar with "Love Generation" speaking to us through the taxi's speakers. We were stationary. I was conscious again, but I didn't feel alive at all. "How long was I out?" I asked Louis.
I could tell by his expression that he was relieved. Relieved that I was back. "One minute," he almost apologized. Louis gave me a pat on the shoulder. Gurb, on the other hand, was sleeping. He slept like a baby cub.
I put my right index finger on my forehead. It felt wet, but it wasn't blood. Blood feels different. Meanwhile, I kept hearing whistling.
"Be the love generation! Oh yeah!" It was still that same song by Bob Sinclar.
The earlier scent of alcohol had now been replaced by the smell of incense. It smelled like the same incense I had in my room. Sold to me as Tibetan 39 incense. I had bought it at a coffee shop in Rotterdam. I pulled up my notes on my phone. "Who lights incense in a CAR????" I let Louis read from my screen. He took the phone from my hands and started typing as well.
"Look at Gurb >>>" Gurb was so deeply asleep that his head drooped. His seatbelt held his torso in place, but his head ended up on the driver's shoulder. The man didn't mind. He didn't move. I made eye contact with the driver through the rearview mirror, and soon I found him. He winked at me.
We arrived at the hotel. Gurb awakened from his alcoholic hibernation. "Who's going to pay for the taxi?" I asked. Clearly rhetorical. I already knew I would take this one for the team, as usual. I refused to use Louis's money. It was uncomfortably quiet. "By card please," I said.
"I'll always protect you, Louis. You really need to know that. I care about you like my own little brother. I'll always try to help you. But you have to be honest with me. Can you do that?" Louis didn't hesitate.
"Yes. Yes, I can. I'll show you. It's really in the Mini." Meanwhile, the taxi driver's card machine indicated that I had insufficient funds. That couldn't be right. Maybe I had withdrawn too much that evening.
"I have cash in the hotel room," Gurb said to me. Gurb informed the driver in broken English that he would go get his cash. The driver agreed. Money is money, whether it comes now or later. As long as it feels good in your hands.
Louis and I got out of the taxi. "You're not going to light a cigarette now, are you?" Louis wanted to smoke. "Especially for stress. That's really for people who can't handle pain. You need to feel pain. Pain needs to brand you for the rest of your life so you finally learn not to do such stupid things." It fell silent again. My blood boiled. All pots were on the stove. I felt like Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen. "Show me then. Do it."
Louis remained silent and walked around the corner of the hotel. Towards the parking lot. I followed him. "You're not going to find much," said Louis.
"Why not? Are you a magician?"
"No. Just. Not much."
"So there's suddenly magically nothing in Gurb's car?"
"Stop. Get out. Get out of my head!" Louis shouted. Louis had had enough. He was done with the parade. Normally we dealt with hypothetical stories. Only this time it wasn't a joke. I was sure now. Louis had dropped his mask. The revolution had begun. The government had fallen and the dikes had broken. The people were in charge. "You shouldn't freak out like this. Always wanting more. Sweet boy, think about yourself."
After Gurb gave the money to the driver, he came to us. He had a smile on his face, lit a cigarette, and exclaimed, "Brothers!" Once with us, he hugged me. He started laughing. "Maybe I haven't been entirely honest either." Sometimes Gurb seemed like a 38-year-old man. In a positive way. He exuded confidence in a way I didn't often see. Affectionate, with a hint of authority.
We stood in the middle of a large parking lot. "Look. We've reached a point where I might not even care anymore. You guys are teasing me." It did matter to me. Maybe more than ever. I was supposed to be two steps ahead of them, but I couldn't figure it out. "I give up."
The delightful silence returned. Louis and Gurb looked at each other. "You guys win. Apparently, I'm not to be trusted as a friend."
From Louis's expression, I could tell he disagreed with this. "Not true. Come to the car."
We arrived at the car. Louis unlocked it and searched for the trunk button. Gurb had started his third cigarette. "It's a corpse, isn't it? Say it now. I can still help you. I can still help us. I can book a ticket for you. We can get you out of here," I said to Louis.
"Just wait. Nutcase."
"Why won't you accept my help?"
Louis started laughing nervously. Or at least it seemed that way. Perhaps a sly laugh too. Had Louis killed someone? "It's not a corpse. That can't be. You wouldn't be stupid enough to use their ID. You're smarter than that. So it must be something stolen. Haven't you found that button yet?"
Suddenly, we heard a click. Louis had found the button. Somewhere, I didn't want to know. Shouldn't I just trust Louis? Wasn't that the whole point of friendship?
Finally, the moment had arrived. I placed my right hand in the slot of the rear hatch. Something in me doubted. Still. I still doubted. Louis looked dead serious. "You wanted to know, didn't you? Then you also have to be man enough to accept it." Louis was clearly not joking. Or was he acting again? "Pussy," Louis said. I looked away. "You're afraid of what's inside, huh? You're afraid of the real Louis." He began to laugh manically. "Open that thing, man. Nutcase!"
I started laughing too. Why did I make such a big deal out of it? Sweat broke out from every pore in my body. It was even a bit damp in the no man's land between my scrotum and my anus. A tropical climate. It had been quite an adventure the whole evening. I took my hand off the rear hatch and first gave Louis a hug. Not some half-hearted birthday wish. No, a real hug.
"It's okay, buddy," Louis said to me. I had no idea what he meant by that. It fit the moment though.
It was really time now. I opened the rear hatch.
"Where is it?"
"In front of you," said Louis.
"In some secret compartment?"
There was nothing in the trunk. Absolutely nothing. An empty trunk. For an empty evening, in an empty Berlin, with an empty group of guys. I didn't get it.
"You won, man," I whispered. "You finally fucking done did it."
I couldn't believe my eyes. Empty? There was still nothing in the car. Louis just stood there. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I had felt every emotion this evening. Seen every color and smelled every scent. I was done. My body was ready. No longer needed. My mission was complete.
"But why did you do this?" I asked Louis, laughing.
He scratched his chin. It felt like the end of a bad movie.
"I sold our Playstation. Wanted to tell you only after I had sorted everything out again. I terminated my lease. Had some debts, and I also wanted to have some money for once. Once not empty-handed in the club. Once not dependent on my best friends. This is not who I am... I know how much that Playstation meant to you. It was ours together. I should have just told you."
"… and how does Gurb actually make his money?"

Ho dovuto postare una seconda parte perché a quanto pare i testi non possono avere più di 40000 caratteri (ed io stavo sui 52000). Anyways, here it is:
Ritornando un attimo sulla storia della mia sopravvivenza, è arrivato settembre, andiamo, è tempo di migrare... e dopo il trasferimento l'11 settembre comincia per me una nuova avventura (che, neanche a dirlo apposta, avrebbe accelerato in modo pauroso il collasso della mia economia mentale); io mi stavo già preparando ad un viaggio nella solitudine più totale, perché sapevo cosa era successo in precedenza (e spesso, se non sempre, continuavo a persistere nell'utopica speranza che quell'amore di 4 anni prima mi chiamasse e mi disse di come si fosse pentita di essersi allontanata da me e che in realtà mi voleva anche lei [questo per far capire quanto solo mi sentissi, e che ero abbastanza stanco della vita per correre un altro rischio {"when we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered a long time ago" - Friedrich Nietzsche}] [e sì, faccio spesso ricorso a citazioni per cercare di spiegare la situazione, anche a me stesso, forse perché, come diceva Camus, essendo codardo sono nella continua ricerca di una filosofia che giustifichi le mie azioni]). Già quel giorno, per puro caso, si siede accanto a me un ragazzo che per puro caso sarebbe diventato la prima componente della mia comitiva universitaria durata ben 9 mesi (in effetti sì, è stato un periodo di gestazione di un mostro che ancora fatico a comprendere [è anche vero che tutto ciò è accaduto da 5 giorni, quindi in teoria dovrei darmi il tempo di metabolizzare questo colpo al cuore e all'anima; tanto che {ormai avete visto quanto è lungo questo post, ha l'aria di un romanzo senza gli edit con un filo narrativo pressoché inesistente} ho pensato di scrivere questo post {e quindi rivolgermi ad un luogo dove un po' di psicologia ci dovrebbe essere, dato che come detto mi sà la terza volta, lo psicologo non risponde} in una di quelle occasioni di "revenge bedtime procrastination", ma ad un certo punto ero così stanco di stare al telefono e pensare e scrivere {ecco, questo è un esempio di occasione in cui mi ero stancato abbastanza dei miei pensieri e della mia esposizione al telefono che mi sono costretto ad andare a dormire} che ho spento il telefono nel momento in cui ho finito di scrivere l'ottava riga del sesto paragrafo {questa metrica si riferisce alla versione di reddit da computer, perché adesso sto scrivendo da pc}, e la mattina dopo mi sono accorto che la bozza che avevo cominciato a scrivere la notte precedente {anche se tecnicamente dalle 22:20 circa che ho cominciato sono andato a dormire che erano le 1:30 più o meno, anche perché in quel lasso di tempo ho dovuto fare la quotidiana lezione di tedesco su Duolingo} si era cancellata nel momento in cui, senza rendermene conto, ho chiuso l'applicazione, quindi ho passato un buon paio d'ore in biblioteca il giorno successivo a ricopiare degli screenshot che avevo fatto della bozza che stavo creando proprio perché, essendo conscio del fatto che ero stanco, ma che avevo bisogno di scrivere tutto quello {o questo} che avevo dentro a qualcuno o da qualche parte, e sapendo che sarei potuto essere così sbadato da cancellare questa confessione di una "vita" e sprecare le 3 ore iniziali in cui ho avuto il coraggio di parlare di me da qualche parte {a quanto pare se lo faccio con soggetti fisici concreti corrono a prendere le distanze da me}, mi era venuta in mente quest'idea, che io onestamente considero una genialata {giusto per mettermi un po' di hype}, e oggi, dopo aver finito di ricopiare le ultime righe sul pc ho proseguito {e sto proseguendo} la scrittura di questa spiegazione-rant]). Nei giorni successivi avrei conosciuto un altro paio di persone (tra cui anche la ragazza più estroversa della facoltà, che sarebbe diventata anche lei, in a miracuolous turn of events, componente della comitiva in cui sarei stato per un po'), e quel ragazzo che avevo conosciuto il primo giorno mi avrebbe aggiunto al gruppo whatsapp della comitiva (che, notizia, era stato creato un mese prima della mia aggiunta). Come al solito, i primi mesi vanno bene, siamo contenti del nostro polo, immerso nella natura o con una biblioteca moderna ed estetica, e ogni tanto, come una buona condotta da vita studentesca universitaria comanda, ci concedevamo uno spritz per staccare dallo studio e parlare un po'. A questo punto uno potrebbe dire: hey, ma nei primi paragrafi non ti stavi lamentando di quanto fossi asociale e non riuscissi a mantenere un'amicizia per più di un respiro? Esattamente, e fino ad adesso ho detto solo la verità (se avessi voluto mentire sarei andato su fiction o qualcosa del genere [ah, non sapevo nemmeno esistesse un tale subreddit, nel momento in cui sono andato a scriverlo il nome si è colorato di blu ed è diventato un link, ahahah]), ma in quel periodo, per qualche strana ragione, avevo incontrato gente e fatto un paio di amici / conoscenze, e questa volta non parevano dare segni di neurodivergenze (ah, e in tutto questo quel mio famoso amico delle superiori [a questo punto diamogli un nome, chiamiamolo Rana] ha detto [e ogni tanto sento continuare a dire] che sta avendo the time of his life).
[interruzione momentanea paragrafo]
Aaaa, in tutto questo mi sono dimenticato di specificare una cosa (anche se potrebbe essere logicamente dedotta, ma, arrivati a questo punto, perché trattenersi? ahah). Avendo passato adolescenza con un'assenza di amicizie (durante l'infanzia avevo un gruppetto di 4 amici [io ed altri 3, e ci siamo separati a causa proprio di quel maledetto trasferimento {anche se alla fine era perché mio padre doveva aiutare mia nonna, sua madre, a prendersi cura di mio nonno, che allora aveva delle condizioni di salute che stavano peggiorando acceleratamente, ma forse essendo ancora bambino, e in aggiunta sulla soglia del passaggio all'adolescenza, quindi con un'infinitesimale quantità di coscienza che si stavo sviluppando, non avevo ancora superato quella fase di "egoismo" che magari i bambini possono avere, e non avevo quel briciolo di empatia che, se l'avessi avuto, avrei probabilmente preso meno male la situazione}{per la cronaca, mio nonno paterno se n'è andato durante il periodo in cui io facevo la 2a media e mio nonno materno ci ha lasciati tragicamente mentre io facevo la 3a media, tanto che mi ricordo che per un periodo di lunghezza non trascurabile rispetto all'annata scolastica della 3a media dopo scuola io e la mia famiglia andavamo a casa di mia nonna per stare insieme dato che aveva perso una persona così talmente cara da poco {se vi state chiedendo perché abbiamo fatto così per mia nonna materna e non per mia nonna paterna è perché mia nonna paterna ha due figli, mio padre e mia zia paterna, che vive proprio sotto di lei, quindi ci andava lei ad aiutarla a consolarsi della perdita, mentre mia nonna materna, ha tre figli, un po' sparsi dappertutto {ma vicini di paese} e poi sul fronte materno la famiglia è molto più unita dal punto di vista familiare rispetto al fronte paterno, e mia madre è sempre stata una persona molto emotiva e sensibile, quindi quando mia madre e i miei zii hanno saputo della tragedia subito hanno voluto riunirsi intorno al nido per mostrare supporto {chissà perché, forse è proprio per questo motivo che mio padre è una persona così fredda e piena di rabbia repressa, forse proprio perché anche lui non ha sentito il calore dell'affetto familiare e sempre percepito la fredda distanza dei genitori}{forse anche lui ha vissuto in una famiglia che non l'ha considerato tanto e che lo reprimeva per ogni vezzo che esprimeva, ed avendo interiorizzato questi atteggiamenti li sta esternando nella sua famiglia in cui può comandare perché conosce solo quel modo di "gestire" una famiglia {"Chi combatte con i mostri deve guardarsi dal non diventare egli stesso un mostro. E se guarderai a lungo nell'abisso, l'abisso guarderà dentro di te" - Friedrich Nietzsche}}} e lei piangeva, e questo mi struggeva}])(ok, forse la parentesi tonda di prima non poteva essere dedotta logicamente, ma vabbè, intanto ecco i dettagli mancanti) dell'affetto conoscevo ben poco, se non cosa non era. Il fatto che non fossi un people person non aiutava per niente: avevo una seria e preoccupante mancanza di abbracci (ce la sto avendo tutt'ora, eh), e (anche) per questo non so come mostrare affetto, perché non mi è mai stato insegnato come farlo (per dirla in linguaggio più moderno, non mi è mai stato fatto un tutorial di dimostrazione d'affetto); l'unica volta in cui venivo abbracciato era dai parenti, o per delle festività (capodanno, prima del 2019 intendo, e dal 2019 in poi solo dai miei genitori, perché ci siamo immessi nella comitiva della palma, compleanni e cose del genere comunque). Delle eccezioni sono avvenute durante gli anni del liceo (altro motivo per cui mi mancano così tanto quegli anni [anche se sono terminati "solo" 11 mesi fa]), quando ogni tanto una ragazza, carinissima e sensibile secondo me (sarà anche perché pensava un po' di più a quello che diceva, ascoltava musica più piacevole rispetto al resto [e siccome per me la musica è tutto avrò avuto un giudizio un po' biased] e le piaceva leggere, quindi probabilmente per questo mi sembrava diversa; avrete già intuito che lei era la mia 3a cotta, anche perché un giorno mi ha scritto out of the blue "come stai?" [i livelli di delusione affettiva sono alle stelle, ahahah] e ogni morte di papa proponeva una partita a scacchi [ma letteralmente ogni morte di papa, penso ci voglia meno a dare un battito di ciglia regolare che a contare quante volte me l'abbia chiesto])(dopo la sua socialità ha preso il sopravvento, ed ha scelto di risaltare il lato estroverso su quello "introverso" [nel senso di diverso dalla norma {perché penso veramente che il mondo così com'è oggi spinga pesantemente l'immagine della persona estroversa, e chiunque non si trovi a suo agio con la norma proposta è destinato a vivere come un ostracizzato finché non decide di estirpare la sua autenticità in nome di una maschera normalizzata}]) era così gentile da darmi un abbraccio ogni tanto alla fine della mattinata di lezioni prima che tornasse a casa, oppure quando la classe organizzava dei gatherings (e in quelle volte in cui invitavano davvero tutti) (sempre prima che se ne andasse) oppure c'erano compleanni, forse perché vedeva che facevo un po' fatica ad inserirmi nel gruppo e che ero un po' "diverso" diciamo (per quanto riguarda Rana lui non si sentiva tanto a suo agio col contatto fisico [non so se è proprio una peculiarità del suo tipo di autismo]); questo lo apprezzavo veramente tanto (e per quello ho detto che loro avevano un alto grado d'inclusione, anche perché durante quei gatherings durante la notte tardi ci sentivamo veramente a nostro agio a parlare anche di faccende abbastanza personali) e nel momento in cui è venuto a mancare ci sono rimasto abbastanza male. Un'altra occasione dove mi ricordo distintamente che ci sono stati abbracci è stato il primo gathering da quando abbiamo iniziato il quinto superiore (verso fine settembre): ad un certo punto una compagna di classe (di quelle che partiva anche con un bicchiere di vino) mi chiede come va ed io, sapendo che era un po' brilla (e che di conseguenza si sarebbe potuta scordare abbastanza rapidamente di quello che le avrei detto [mentre io avrei avuto l'occasione di "sfogarmi" con qualcuno, nel senso di raccontare veramente quel che sentivo, togliendo più filtri possibili]) decido di raccontare la verità; per fare ciò ci sediamo alla base della scalinata a chiocciole della casa del compagno che stava ospitando il gathering, e cominciamo a parlare, ed essendo pure lei atta a chiacchierate di questo tipo (mi spiego: a lei piace fare queste parlate di tipo consolatorio, tanto che adesso sta studiando medicina con l'intenzione di fare la specializzazione in psichiatria) la conversazione assume un tono carico di emozioni, tanto che io arrivo on the verge of crying e qui scatta il famoso abbraccio (che è durato anche abbastanza, parlo di un 10-20 secondi buoni). Dopo è accaduta anche un'altra cosa che ha fatto entrare quella serata nei miei ricordi più cari: a noi si è avvicinata l'anima della festa (colui che aveva un carisma così alto che riusciva a coinvolgere quasi letteralmente chiunque nel centro della festa), e sentita della situazione invita chiunque sia in un raggio ragionevolmente vicino (e chi aveva voglia) ad avvicinarsi a noi e a creare un enorme abbraccio di gruppo: io ero al centro con tutti i miei compagni che volevano lì ad abbracciarmi, ed è stato veramente bello, perché almeno per una volta mi sono sentito al centro di una dimostrazione d'affetto di gruppo nei miei confronti (e il fatto che qualcuno mi mostri affetto non mi è per niente scontato)
[ripresa del paragrafo interrotto]
Ebbene, questa ""piccola"" interruzione era per tentare di spiegare un po' un'altra stranezza di questo periodo: quella ragazza estroversa che ho introdotto prima (chiamiamola Mirtillo) aveva proprio una personalità solare, tanto che dopo un po' che stavamo nello stesso circolo (e quindi si era instaurata un minimo di confidenza) si sono presentati i primi abbracci amichevoli (cosa sono? non ne ho la benché minima idea, ma sapevo solo che mi piacevano, nel senso, mi piaceva che qualcuno mi abbracciasse così all'improvviso [tanto all'improvviso non era, perché tecnicamente si concentravano al 99% quando o lei se ne doveva andare o io me ne dovevo andare, e quell'1% in realtà era un misto tra abbracci e lei che appoggiava la testa sul mio braccio quando stavamo a lezione {magari in una fila dietro, non tanto vicina alla cattedra o alle lavagne} ed era un po' "stanca"]). Quindi Mirtillo era diventata un barlume di speranza dopo che avevo passato l'estate precedente a convincermi che nessuno mi avrebbe riabbracciato come successo miracolosamente alle superiori, e naturalmente (beh, non tanto, ma dati i miei traumi passati non so se c'era qualche altra possibilità) mi sono sentito un po' attaccato a lei (in qualche modo questo ricorda quella seconda cotta che ho avuto al campo della parrocchia, proprio perché mi ha mostrato affetto ho sentito qualcosa che non pensavo fosse possibile a quel punto, ovvero un sentimento); peccato che lei era fidanzata, quindi non c'era alcun orizzonte per cui ci avrei potuto provare, perché quale villano ruba la ragazza di un altro e rovina una relazione perfettamente salutare? (dal suo profilo insta si vedeva che lei ed il ragazzo erano molto felici insieme). Beh, c'è qualcuno che evidentemente non ci ha pensato a queste cose, ed il problema è che era una componente della comitiva, e molto probabilmente proprio la ragione per cui sta crollando come un castello di sabbia (almeno sul mio fronte) forse perché avvertendo la mia debolezza questo tale (che per poter proseguire il racconto chiamo Nilo) ha cominciato pure ad assumere degli atteggiamenti molto appiccicosi nei miei confronti (in realtà lo faceva un po' con tutti nella nostra comitiva). Fast forward 4 mesi Nilo mi scrive dicendo che aveva qualcosa da dire, e dopo un po' arriva a dire che aveva confessato a Mirtillo di provare dei sentimenti per lei (forse sarebbe da dire che, in tutto questo, Nilo e Mirtillo spesso andavano via dalla biblioteca universitaria insieme, perché essendo pendolari dovevano entrambi fare tappa alla stazione dei treni per poter tornare a casa [per prendere un bus apposta]), e proprio per questo si stava cominciando a distaccare il più possibile dalla compagnia (per il solo scopo di non vedere Mirtillo [un po' come ho tentato di fare io quando ho cancellato la chat con Loto], cominciando ad andare a studiare in altri poli universitari [ah, perché mi sono dimenticato di dire che per i primi 4 mesi {considerati un semestre dal regolamento universitario} siamo stati in un polo {chiamiamolo polo M}, e poi ci hanno trasferiti nel polo dove dovremmo essere stati fin dall'inizio, ma così non è stato perché stavano facendo dei lavori {chiamiamo il polo che spetta a noi matematici polo P}{per la cronaca, polo P e polo M e sono separati da un dislivello, in cui polo P sta a 10 minuti a piedi di salita a partire da polo M}]). E in tutto questo gli altri componenti della comitiva (ovvero colui che mi ha aggiunto al gruppo whatsapp [chiamiamolo Limone] ed un altro [chiamiamolo Fava]) avvertono il disagio che Mirtillo prova quando Nilo è nei suoi dintorni da quando le ha confessato i sentimenti (andando difatti a rompere quel rapporto di leggerezza tipico di un'amicizia [andando a pretendere che quello che sentiva fosse ricambiato per la sola ragione che Mirtillo era confidentemente estroversa, ma lui scambiava queste espressioni di carattere estroverso per segni di affetto che potrebbero essere stati sfruttati per guadagnare una relazione {e quindi, forse, in qualche modo, tramutati in una forma d'amore {quindi logicamente completamente ignorando che Mirtillo fosse in una relazione}}, e questo potrebbe essere motivato dal fatto che neanche lui si fosse trovato bene alle superiori {testuali parole, non so altri dettagli e onestamente non penso sia importante al fine di ciò che devo fare} e ogni volta che torna a casa sua {nel senso, dove è cresciuto}{che dista 6 ore di treno dalla città universitaria} è "costretto" a lavorare nel ristorante dei suoi {dove entrambi lavorano}, e così è sempre stato da quando ha potuto iniziare a lavorare {per motivi legali}, e dal momento che i suoi sono sempre stati impegnati col ristorante, e durante le festività spesso erano impegnati e "lontani" dalla famiglia, sono arrivato a congetturare che anche lui si fosse sentito estraneo dalla sua famiglia, e che gli mancasse effettivamente quell'intimità che con i genitori è necessaria, perché loro sono il tuo primo ponte col mondo, coloro che te ne danno una prima rappresentazione quando tu non sai niente di esso, e perciò se ne hai una cattiva impressione all'inizio non si possono sviluppare altro che tossicità con l'andare avanti della vita]). Per questo si è creata una sorta di spaccatura all'interno della comitiva, in cui Limone e Fava stavano dalla parte di Mirtillo (perché a tutti gli effetti era lei la più simpatica e socievole del gruppo, e quindi quella che naturalmente attrae persone [ah, e preciso che in nessuno modo loro ci avrebbero provato con Mirtillo, perché a loro piace Banana {non è un personaggio introdotto chissà quando, ma forse potete intuire a cosa mi riferisco ;)}]), e lei si sentiva a disagio ogni volta che Nilo era vicino (e la situazione era peggiorata a tal punto che se Nilo si sedeva in un punto Mirtillo cercava un posto lontano, ma comunque nelle prime file [perchè altrimenti non avrebbe visto cosa era scritto sulla lavagna], e se non lo trovava si sedeva con gran riluttanza in un posto vicino Nilo, ma non proprio accanto, perché altrimenti avrebbe passato più di metà della lezione a sopportare i suoi atteggiamenti appiccicosi [perchè non riusciva a reprimere l'"amore" che provava per lei]) e Nilo stava un po' per i conti suoi dal punto di vista sociale (si stava isolando perché non voleva un ricordo di quanto male fosse andata quando si era dichiarato a Mirtillo, lei mostrava visibilmente disagio quando lui le ronzava attorno,...). E in tutto questo c'ero io, che in fondo volevo che la comitiva restasse unita, e quindi non ho assunto esplicitamente una parte (e questo Nilo lo sapeva, e infatti per i 2 mesi successivi [dalla "spaccatura" fino alla data di scrittura di queso post] mi avrebbe continuato a sfruttare come ponte tra lui e quella bella porzione di comitiva che emanava energia positiva, che dava una buona impressione di solarità).
[Aggiornamento 12/05/2024: il famoso psicologo ha finalmente risposto, ma ha detto che non può prendere altri pazienti; in compenso ha offerto altri due nominativi che offrono anche servizi si sessione online (dal momento che sono fuorisede), e in più chiedendo in giro ho trovato un nominativo (femminile questa volta) di cui pare ci si possa fidare; adesso dovrò fare altre chiamate e vedere come va]
Da quanto successo finora si può capire quanto la vita sociale che avevo all'università fosse abbastanza disagiante, e non vedevo l'ora di ritornare dai miei per le vacanze di Pasqua (giusto un weekend, ma non sarei stato da solo come al solito). La mattina in cui avevo il treno non vedevo l'ora di finire la valigia e prendere quel bus che mi avrebbe portato alla stazione dei treni da cui sarei potuto tornare a casa. Solo che quella mattina (era un venerdì) fu molto diversa dal solito: mi sveglio con un messaggio di Mirtillo che mi chiede se volevo conoscere una ragazza (sua amica) (che tra l'altro era in ricerca di un ragazzo). Ora, dato il passato pieno di fallimenti non superati e l'esperienza fallita con Loto che inconsciamente permaneva (e avendo sviluppato un malsano stile d'attaccamento affettivo nel mentre [quindi in disperato bisogno di aiuto professionista, anche se non lo volevo ammettere]) avrei dovuto dire che in realtà non ero pronto per una relazione (nota: in tutto questo Mirtillo sapeva di Loto), ma essendomi appena svegliato ed avendo bisogno di amore ho felicemente accettato. {da questo momento in poi l'amica di Mirtillo si chiamerà Liana} Ebbene, Mirtillo mi passa il numero e io e Liana ci cominciamo a scrivere (c'è da dire che lei è molto timida e, a detta di Mirtillo, sviluppava amicizie moolto lentamente) in un arco di tempo che spannava tutta la mattinata (spesso con pause molto lunghe tra i messaggi). Nei giorni a seguire ci continuiamo a scrivere (e vediamo un po' cosa ci piace e cosa potremmo avere in comune [e io cerco di forzare su di me delle abilità d'intrattenere una conversazione e non essere tanto noioso, un po' perchè non ho avuto tanti amici, e quei pochi hanno sempre {le eccezioni, come detto prima, sono arrivate 9 anni dopo l'abbandono della mia compagnia delle elementari} avuto dei problemi; da qui inizio una malsana ossessione con qualsiasi libro che promette di aiutare le persone a mantenere più facilmente una conversazione, o comunque aumentare il carisma ed avere un approccio con la vita più tranquillo]), e ogni volta che le mando un messaggio aspetto con trepidazione il suo (e quando non rispondeva "abbastanza velocemente" [intendo più o meno nel primo paio di minuti] mi assaliva quasi un senso di tristezza malinconica, come se ad un certo punto non mi volesse più sentire [ma questa cosa non era solo ed esclusivamente per questi "brevi" distacchi, ma soprattutto per quelle volte in cui mandavo un messaggio e non rispondeva per 3 ore, oppure visualizzava e non rispondeva fino a 2 ore dopo]; ora, si potrebbe dire che questo è uno stile di attaccamento molto tossico, come se lei fosse diventata il centro della mia felicità, e ogni volta che la sua presenza mancava andava a perdersi anche la felicità del giorno; ma, era una di quelle poche volte [se non l'unica] in cui qualcuno mi voleva per cose che andavano oltre i bisogni accademici, solo per poter parlare del più e del meno). In tutto questo davo periodici aggiornamenti a Mirtillo sull'andamento della situazione, un po' per comunicare il mio entusiasmo di quella sublime novità a qualcuno (tenermi le cose dentro mi h a sempre portato a male finora, quindi adesso che posso dire qualcosa a qualcuno, perché non farlo?), e lei mi dava consigli su come approcciare una persona per farmela amica (non con tono da professionista chiaramente, mi diceva solo come faceva più o meno lei), e di evitare atteggiamenti di love bombing, perché se ne sarebbe solamente andata (nel senso prenderla molto piano ed evitare di vederla immediatamente come potenziale ragazza). Nonostante i continui aiuti e quelli che potremmo definire "supporti", io continuavo ad avere i miei dubbi quando non mi scriveva per un po' oppure mi parlava di come facesse cose con gli amici (insomma, lei era una ragazza single in cerca di un lui, e non ci vuole un granché per essere più sociali e carismatici di me [basta letteralmente respirare], quindi avevo paura che entrasse facilmente qualcuno nella sua vita e mi portasse via quella che in tutti i sensi era una mano calata dal cielo [insomma, quando mi sarebbe ricapitato che qualcuno mi presenta una persona così sensibile che è anche in grado di mantenere amicizie? quand'è che avrei avuto un'altra possibilità di essere felice quando ero sempre così solo e abbandonato dall'euforia? sicuramente mai dopo gli anni dell'università, in quanto non ci sarebbe più stata la costrizione di un qualcosa che tiene legati me e gli altri, e sarei buttato in pasto ad un branco di estroversi che non si sarebbero assolutamente negati la possibilità di ostracizzarmi dai loro circoli ed intorni di divertimento; la comparsa di Mirtillo era l'ultima possibilità di un'amicizia felice, e Liana era l'unica possibilità rimasta di qualcuno che mi avrebbe fatto conoscere l'amore, ed esprimere quello che non ho mai potuto esprimere]), e questo lo dicevo anche a Mirtillo (l'esperienza della relazione a distanza non mi ha portato risultati positivi; ad esempio, con Loto le possibilità non si erano semplicemente abbassate, ma proprio annullate, in quanto nel periodo in cui non ci siamo scritti pare abbia conosciuto un ragazzo [che le starebbe simpatico, ma tanto] che l'ha invitata ad una grigliata, e siccome due più due fa quattro, era evidente che si sarebbero innamorati di lì a poco [se già non lo erano]), esprimendole le mie perplessità sulle motivazioni stesse che l'avrebbe portata a presentarmi Liana (siccome era proprio con le stesse modalità di Loto, temevo quasi logicamente che ci sarebbe stata quella "grigliata" che mi avrebbe portato via Liana [come se fosse mia, eh? per chiarirci intendevo portarmi via la possibilità che lei potesse diventare realmente una parte significativa della mia esistenza]); lei cercava di rassicurarmi, proponendo modi per essere più sociale e di non temere mortalmente quella solitudine creata dalla sua assenza (anche se, al di fuori di Liana c'era solo una comitiva che si stava sgretolando come un castello di sabbia a causa di Nilo che aveva oltrepassato un limite che mai si dovrebbe sorpassare, e il fatto che tentasse di fare finta come se niente fosse stato, provando a reinserirsi nella compagnia ad ogni possibilità che gli si presentasse [ovvero quando c'era la sola presenza degli altri, quindi può essere anche questo un motivo per cui si stava attuando una silenziosa ostracizzazione di Nilo {almeno questo pensavo {e speravo} di percepire} dalla comitiva {anche perché anch'io cominciavo a percepire un certo disagio in sua presenza {ora potreste dire "hey, ma prima hai detto di non aver preso chiaramente parti perché volevi una comitiva unita, perché adesso sembra che stai prendendo la parte della compagnia "ristretta" {alla comitiva} di Mirtillo?" beh, era perché lei dava naturalmente un'aria di felicità e sapeva magistralmente mettere a loro agio chiunque incontrasse, unito all'inconscio disagio che provavo intorno a Nilo {forse causato dall'inconscia percezione dei suoi appiccicosi tentativi di reinserirsi nella comitiva, e il fatto che non poteva fare a meno di guardare cosa facevano gli altri ed invadere il loro spazio personale}, che mi hanno portato e pensare queste cose {e in fondo mi dispiace che sarà isolato per dei traumi che ha, ma se continua a fare come fa ora non c'è altra soluzione che l'abbandono, che per quanto riconosca sia brutale, pare l'unica via d'uscita per questa situazione soffocante ed insopportabile}}}], quindi era come se fosse rimasta la mia unica ed ultima possibilità di ordine ed armonia di fronte ad un immenso caos e sballottamento tra persone che ti rinfacciano costantemente che loro hanno una socialità ed una felicità che tu non avrai mai, che non ti sarà mai concessa la possibilità di avere amici, di essere felice, perché tutti quei traumi e persone che ti odiavano e respingevano in realtà te gli eri meritati, non sei mai stato abbastanza per nessuno [a cominciare dai tuoi, tanto che nonostante i tuoi desideri di felicità da bambino ti hanno regalato l'orrore dell'abbandono, il pensiero che qualsiasi cosa ti avrebbe portato felicità ti potrebbe essere sottratta all'improvviso, e tu non ci avresti potuto fare niente, saresti rimasto da solo con la tua disgustosa solitudine, che non puoi fare a meno di sopportare, anche perché tentare di combatterla in fondo avrebbe significato essere realmente da solo, non voluto nemmeno dai tuoi, con un conflitto interno lancinante che sarebbe cresciuto esponenzialmente al secondo, con l'unica terminazione possibile della soluzione estrema], e "manipolandomi" cercando di portarmi dalla sua parte per non essere effettivamente quello da solo della comitiva [anche in questo caso, cercando un'eccessiva compresenza]). {Precisazione: non é che con Liana non mi sia proprio mai visto in persona, una volta ci siamo incontrati insieme a Mirtillo, Fava e Limone per un picnic al parco, e dopo abbiamo fatto una piccola passeggiata (sempre in gruppo)}
Forse è per il fatto che Mirtillo percepisce questo atteggiamento fondamentalmente pessimista e negativo (oppure anche per il fatto che mi avesse consigliato di fissarmi con una comitiva per fare una ginnastica con la mia "socialità" [nel senso di allenarla per ovviare alla preoccupazione di non essere un buon amico]) che ha cominciato a stare più tempo con altre comitive (penso anche come naturale conseguenza del fatto che si sedesse dall'altra parte dell'aula per evitare la presenza di Nilo). In particolare c'è una comitiva con cui si sta sedendo sempre più spesso (nonostante non ci sia Nilo), e ride sempre più spesso, e quando finiscono le lezioni (e di solito andiamo nella biblioteca del polo per studiare) lei ha cominciato ad andare con questa particolare comitiva (in cui c'è una persona che chiameremo Ema). Sembra che piano piano si stia allontanando lei dalla comitiva, e che si stia disgregando persino quella parte che sembrava opporsi alla presenza di Nilo, e sembra che veramente stia crollando la mia unica certezza (e che si sarebbe profeticamente avverata la situazione esposta verso la fine del paragrafo precedente), quindi ogni volta che vedevo Mirtillo insieme ad Ema, e che c'era quella confidenza che di solito c'è tra buoni amici (che prima c'era tra di noi, e adesso la mostra a qualcuno che ha conosciuto da così poco? così sembra che fino ad ora mi abbia mentito, come se l'affetto amichevole precedente fosse stato falso, e che in fondo non mi abbia mai voluto bene). Un giorno Mirtillo va insieme ad Ema in biblioteca, e mi capita di incrociarli e trovare un posto accanto a loro; qui si mettono a parlare con molta scioltezza, ridendo con naturalezza e chiacchierando volentieri. Ad un certo punto scorgo con la coda dell'occhio che si volevano fare un autoscatto, e a me viene l'istinto di girarmi con la testa di scatto per vedere effettivamente quello che stavano facendo; dopo qualche secondo scorgo (sempre con la coda dell'occhio) che erano intenti a fare un altro autoscatto, forse perché quel mio scatto con cui mi sono girato ha rovinato la loro foto, e dopo un po' sento una parola che forse non avrei dovuto sentire (perché, come sempre in biblioteca, era bisbigliata, ma forse Mirtillo ed Ema pensavano che non stessi prestando attenzione a quello che stavano dicendo): "stronzo". Con tutte le probabilità del mondo si stavano riferendo a me, per il fatto che avevo rovinato una loro foto (anche perché è stata detta poco prima che si facessero la seconda foto), ed hanno pensato che siccome molte volte non senta benissimo ciò che mi viene detto avrebbero potuto dirlo senza che io sapessi niente; in realtà l'ho sentito, e mi ha fatto stare anche un po' male (nel senso, all'inizio Mirtillo mi trattava affezionatamente come un amico, e ora oltre a non voler stare intorno a me come prima m'insulta pure? forse veramente si sta avverando la sentenza di prima, forse veramente non mi sono meritato e mai meriterò un po' d'affetto [e quei post motivazionali? se anche loro si sbagliano quale altra fonte di dopamina ed eccitazione avrò dalla vita? quando mai proverò ancora piacere?]; nonostante queste cose siano costantemente nei miei pensieri [e quindi dovrei sviluppare una certa consapevolezza cosciente al riguardo] mi continua a fare male, anche se ho le motivazioni di ciò che accade, non riesco a spiegarmi le motivazioni del perché ciò accada, qual è il senso di tutta questa sofferenza [nel senso, perché sto soffrendo dalla stessa fonte che prima mi dava così tanta gioia? perché questo piacere non può durare per più tempo?]). Ma arriviamo alla ragione originale per cui ho sentito il bisogno di scrivere il post: vi ricordate quando ho detto che alle superiori i miei compagni hanno organizzato un'uscita al sushi davanti a me e non mi hanno invitato? (avevo pure detto che quest'esperienza era traumaticamente risorta recentemente; ecco, adesso si vedrà perché) Bene, il pomeriggio che precedeva la sera in cui avrei cominciato a scrivere questo racconto mi ero seduto accanto a Fava e Mirtillo (accanto a me c'era Fava e accanto a lui Mirtillo) in biblioteca per studiare (beh, in realtà io stavo cominciando ad appuntarmi "L'interpretazione dei sogni", sempre nel tentativo di capirmi un po' di più e cercare di dare un senso a quel casino che avevo in testa e che mi stava rovinando l'esistenza), e ad un certo punto vedo con la coda dell'occhio (oh, ma sto occhio non sta mai al suo posto? per qualche ragione mi piace andare costantemente avanti e indietro nella stanza in cui mi trovo per scorgerne dettagli, e forse potrebbe essere anche una ragione per cui alle superiori mi trovavo bene solo con Rana [autodiagnosi goes brrr]) che Fava stava prenotando un biglietto per un evento ad un museo che si sarebbe svolto tre giorni dopo; il fatto è che dopo un po' Fava chiede a Mirtillo se eventualmente sarebbe voluta andare a quell'evento, mentre a me non è stato mai chiesto (notate similarità tra i due eventi? manco fossero gocce d'acqua). E lì ho sentito un'altra volta quel senso d'abbandono che prima avevo provato, ma adesso proveniva da persone che credevo mi volevano come amico, che mi stavano rendendo felice dopo tanto tempo, ed ha fatto ancora più male così; in tutto questo Liana non iniziava mai una conversazione, quindi lo sforzo di rompere il ghiaccio toccava sempre a me (facendomi di fatto pensare che in fondo non mi volesse, che si fosse in un certo senso stancata della mia noiosità e incapacità di intrattenere, anche in una conversazione [anche se Mirtillo mi aveva rassicurato che Liana non me l'avrebbe mai detto direttamente, che non era il tipo di persona da dire direttamente queste cose {anche se ero fermamente convinto che queste cose me le stia dicendo indirettamente}]), e quindi mi ritrovavo fuoco davanti, fuoco dietro e fuoco ai lati, fiamme che mi soffocavano e mi facevano sfiatare di caldo, e che mi avrebbero continuato a cucinare finché non avrei esalato l'ultimo respiro. Anche se ultimamente mi hanno invitato ad un'uscita la settimana dopo questa (lo so, anch'io pensavo sarebbe stata una terza replica dell'"esclusione del liceo" [nominata tre volte? perché non darle un nome?], anche perché eravamo in gruppo [un'altra comitiva], ma forse perché c'era anche un'altra persona, che chiamerò Giunco, che è sempre stata volenterosa nell'includere gli altri in eventi organizzati di gruppo [il fatto che questo mostri un senso di disprezzo per l'esclusione diretta fa di lei una gran persona, menomale che la conosco {ah, e anche lei è out of the Picture, è impegnata}]), nei giorni in mezzo è sempre la stessa storia: mi sento solo, e quando sono in compagnia della mia solita comitiva, sento come se in realtà non mi volessero (ma non mi volessero dire di allontanarmi).
Detto tutto questo, qual è il problema di fondo? perché sembra che abbia una dipendenza dalla confusione nonostante ho un ardente desiderio conscio di un'ordine di socialità? perché non riesco ad avere amici, e quando arrivano dopo un po' se ne vanno sempre? chi verrà al mio funerale dopo che ho finito l'università?
[P.S.: se per caso i soggetti di cui ho parlato qui dovessero trovare questo racconto, vi voglio dire che è stato bello conoscervi, e casomai doveste abbandonarmi definitivamente perché ora sapete cosa sento realmente, vi auguro il meglio]
[Edit: ho finalmente fissato il colloquio conoscitivo la settimana prossima, farò sapere come andrà]
[Edit 2: la famosa "grigliata" che ha portato via Loto é arrivata, adesso (penso) un aperitivo ieri ha portato via Liana (che in tutto questo si é trasferita a 3 ore da qui per lavoro), adesso veramente quello che mi rimane é un messaggio con le spunte blu]

I was looking forward to the fast travel while overencumbered perk that comes at level 30 with strong back (and don't tell me not to FT I'm a loot w#@%3 and pick up everything.) but I am there an the perk does not have it!!?? It's just saying no damage. I don't play survival mode so I don't know why it's not showing up.
Are there any popular mods that are known to disable this perk? I have several but haven't got a clue which ones are going to interfere and don't want to start from scratch just to weed it out. Would love some ideas if I can disable a mod that would make my life easier.
Just to clarify: I'm on PS4, and here are my currently installed mods
-UFO4P version 8 -PS4 Eli's tweaks and fixes -plenty of exploration PS4 -GO4 cut content mod PS4 -subway runner PS4 -Sanctuary post war rebuild -hells bells Halloween party -repaired starlight drive in -move in ready taffinton boat house -no respawns nordhagen beach -repaired sunshine tidings -egret tour marina revamp ps4 -clean & smooth green top nursery -grey garden overpass lift -no respawns repaired Jamaica plains -the beantown interiors project -Prost bar remake -no respawns repaired croup manor -spectacle island house rebuild -nuka world settlements -STS all in one PS4 -STS extras living and dead -place everything ps4 -prewar food + -legendary pip boy skins -binford 6100 inventory organizer -dearest cheesehead - best dog ever -choose your own perks -40 special points -enclave patriotic radio ps4 -fix quiet radios -better graphics and weather
This is also my load order it's possible I've buggered something there.

PQ SEMPRE QUANDO EU JOGO SCAPE FROM TARKOV, RUST, FORTINE, PUBG, E PARECIDOS EU TENHO UM FLASHBACK FODIDO DA MINHA ÉPOCA DE CRIANÇA QUANDO EU BRINCAVA DE PIPA NO BAIRRO?
VC FORMA SUA SQUAD NO JOGO IGUAL VC TEM SEUS AMIGOS DE RUA PRA SOLTAR PIPA JUNTO VC PASSA CEROL NA LINHA E PRODUZ A RABIOLA IGUAL VC SE PREPARA COM ARMA E EQUIPAMENTOS MELHORES NO JOGO VC TEM SUAS PIPAS COM DESENHOS E FORMATOS FAVORITOS IGUAL NOS JOGOS COM AS SKINS DOS BONECOS VC FICA COM VONTADE DE CORTAR A LINHA DOS OUTROS E ROUBAR SUA PIPA IGUAL COMO SE TIVESSE QUERENDO MATAR ALGUÉM PRA PEGAR SEU LOOT VC FICA QUERENDO SER O MELHOR E MAIS TEMIDO DO BAIRRO EM SOLTAR PIPA IGUAL NO JOGO QUERENDO MOSTRAR SUA ALTA TAXA DE KDA OU VITÓRIAS
CARALHO, TUDO SE BASEIA EM SOLTAR PIPA, EU NÃO AGUENTO MAIS

Très long texte je m’en excuse d’avance
Bonjour je suis un M24 et j’ai de la difficulté à passer à autre chose.
Contexte: Je viens d’une petite ville de 30 000 habitants où tout le monde se connaît. Je suis revenu en ville cet te été après 4 ans d’études à l’extérieur. Je n’ai jamais été en couple. Durant mon adolescence et mes années d’université j’ai eu des fréquentations mais jamais rien de sérieux qui m’on fait vivre une étincelle. Des expériences intéressantes mais rien de « vrai » Durant l’été je sortais souvent à la microbrasserie de ma ville avec mes amis et j’ai sympathisé avec notre serveuse. Elle est plus jeune que moi et je la connaissais de nom ayant été à l’école primaire avec (comme je l’ai dit c’est une petite ville) mais sans plus. Je l’a trouvais bien jolie mais à part rester sympa avec elle je n’ai rien tenté car ce n’est vraiment pas dans mes habitudes. Une semaine plus tard je sort au bar avec mes amis comme d’habitude pour prendre une bière et je l’a voit rentrer avec deux collègues de travail. Je lui fait un signe de la main par politesse sans plus et sans vraiment espérer rien en retour. Peut-être 30 min plus tard nos regard se croise et elle me fait signe à moi et mes amis de venir la rejoindre elle et ses amies à leur table. J’étais plutôt content car c’est une fille que je trouve out of my league malgré le fait que mon entourage me dise le contraire. Au fil de la discussion le courant passe très bien et je me suis rapidement attachée à elle et vite remarqué les signes d’intérêt que on avait l’un pour l’autre. J’étais assez content jusqu’à se qu’elle me dise que en novembre elle partait à l’autre bout du pays pour les études ( cette discussion a eu lieu en septembre) A ce moment là j’ai comme eu un mécanisme de défense qui s’est activé. Je trouvais ça cool qu’elle suive ses rêve (elle étudie pour être actrice) mais en même temps je me suis dit que cela ne servait à rien de continuer à tenter de quoi vu qu’elle s’en allait bientôt. On s’est échangé nos réseaux et cela est resté de même.
Au fils des semaines on ne s’est pas envoyé de messages mais on a continué de se croiser à chaque week-end au bar vu que il n’y a que ça à faire pour les jeunes dans notre petite ville. Le courant passait super bien à chaque fois et les signes d’attirance était présent. Les discussions était de plus en plus personnelles ( elle m’a dit que elle était Bisexuel, je lui ai dit la difficulté plus jeune que j’avais à socialiser et le travail que j’avais fait sur moi même etc) Durant une de ces discussion elle m’a dit droit dans les yeux en me touchant le torse « Je trouve que tu as du charisme » ça m’a clouer au sol. Finalement la veille de son départ arriva et ce qui devait arriver : on s’est retrouver seul et j’ai mis de côté le fait que je savait qu’elle partait bientôt et on s’est embrassé. Tout s’est fait mega naturellement et c’est la première fois que j’ai ressenti une étincelle avec quelqu’un. Les feeling étaient égaux des deux côté. Je suis été là porter chez elle et on a continuer à s’embrasser se toucher et avoir des conversations profondes pendant 40 min. Je voyais qu’elle était déçu de partir tout comme moi.
Elle m’a dit qu’elle revenait pour noël. On ne resterais donc pas si longtemps sans se voir. J’étais content mais je m’étais déjà préparé mentalement vu qu’elle partait dans une grande ville pour faire un métier qui ne l’a ramènerais pas dans notre petite ville de ne pas trop me faire d’espoir et d’accepter d’avoir eu la chance d’avoir passer un bon moment. Je me suis clairement menti à moi-même. Il m’est arrivé de pleurer le soir avant de dormir en repensant que je venais de passer à côté de quelque chose de vrai qui aurait pu être concret si j’avais osé lui parler quotidiennement au lieu de seulement quelques heures par week end. Durant le reste de l’automne j’attendais noël avec impatience juste pas la voir. On s’est écrit un peu dans ce laps de temps mais pas beaucoup car je ne voulais pas la déranger dans ces objectifs et surtout à cause de la distance et vu qu’il n’y a jamais rien eu d’officiel entre nous. Je ne voulais pas être un boulet. Une semaine avant Noël elle est revenu. J’étais bien heureux jusqu’à ce que j’apprenne que la bas elle était en relation avec une fille. Ça m’a brisé. Pas le fait qu’elle soit avec une fille( elle m’a dit qu’elle était Bi) mais plus par le fait qu’elle soit passée à autre chose si rapidement malgré les discussions et moments intenses que l’on a vécu. Mais en même temps au fond de moi je ne pouvais pas lui en vouloir car c’est normal (même moi a l’université j’ai eu une semi fréquentation rapidement après avoir commencer mon bac) mais ça m’a brisé. On s’est revu plusieurs durant les fêtes avec des amis commun et le courant passais très bien. On était par exemple plusieurs gars à une memes table avec elle et d’autres filles et elle posait des gestes assez significatifs envers moi qu’elle ne faisait pas avec les autres gars de la table (qu’elle connaissait très bien étant des anciens collègues) Malgré tout on a eu de très bonne discussion ouverte sur nos sentiments, notre passé, présent et futur. Je lui ai même me demander ce qu’elle avait trouvé de si Wow chez moi. C’est une fille assez extravertie et je ne suis pas la personne qui dégage le plus dans une pièce: elle m’a dit que c’est ma belle âme qui l’a séduite. J’ai trouvé ça gentil.
Bref au fil des soirées malgré la douleur je commençais à accepter le fait que ce que l’on a vécu était réel mais que le timing n’étais malheureusement pas au rdv. Notre relation est très bonne et l’appréciation de l’autre est toujours présente autant physiquement que mentalement et je me suis dit que ça c’est cool car je suis quelqu’un qui n’aime pas le conflit et le malaise et j’avais peur que en m’ouvrant qu’il y ait un froid mais ce ne fut pas le cas. J’ai pu me vider la tête avant son départ en janvier et tout s’est bien passé et j’étais même heureux de voir que elle était heureuse et c’était ça l’important sans oublier qu’elle m’a pendant un cours laps de temps faite sentir vraiment spécial pour la première fois de ma vie.
L’hiver passa et je ne pensais plus tant à elle. J’étais concentré sur mes objectifs et je la voyais sur les réseaux avec sa copine et dans ses péripétie d’école mais sans que cela ne m’affecte vraiment. Et puis à là mi-avril une amie en commun au cours d’une discussion banale m’a appris que elle n’était plus en couple. Sur le coup pour je ne sais qu’elle raison ça m’a rendu heureux. Mais je me suis vite dit que ça ne servait à rien d’être heureux de cela car je ne pourrais même pas la revoir avant octobre 2024 car elle restait a l’autre bout du pays pour tout le printemps et l’été de toute façons. J’ai broyé du noir quelque jour et c’est rester comme ça. Et bien sans prévenir le 24 avril je reçois un message de sa part. On ne s’était pas parler depuis janvier. En gros dans ma ville au début du mois de mai a chaque année il y a un énorme tournoi de Volley ball qui dure depuis 45 ans. C’est un tournoi oui mais plus une excuse pour faire le party durant 4 jours car après les matchs la ville se réuni pour un gros spectacle. Elle me raconte que elle sera en ville cet week-end là pour jouer mais aussi car elle a le mal du pays et que notre petite ville lui manque. Elle m’a aussi demandé si je pouvais organisé un souper surprise pour notre amie en commun étant donner que l’anniversaire de notre amie était là même journée que son arrivée en ville. J’avais déjà prévu sortir avec mon amie et d’autre copains alors cette surprise ne fut pas trop difficile. Mais le fait qu’elle ai pensé à moi de base pour organiser cela m’a tout de même fait plaisir.
Bref je l’ai revue tout le week-end, la surprise a bien marché, le courant est toujours là et on s’apprécie toujours mais je sais que elle repart dans quelques jours pour 6 mois et je suis toujours déprimé. Je pensais que la revoir me rendrais heureux ce qui est le cas mais ça m’a clairement fait comprendre que mes sentiments envers elle sont toujours présent et que je n’ai clairement pas passé à autre chose. Je lui ai semi dit que court du week-end et elle ne l’a pas mal pris et était très compréhensible mais elle sait qu’elle ne reste pas longtemps et qu’elle n’est pas prête à être en relation. Ce qui est logique au vu de la distance, même moi j’en suis conscient mais j’avais toujours au fond de moi un espoir que la flamme de cette automne se réanime des deux côtés automatiquement.
Malgré le fait que je me tienne occuper elle me reste toujours dans la tête car je crois que c’est mon premier « amour » même si on a jamais été en couple. J’ai même peur qu’elle tombe une fois de plus en relation la bas ce qui peut arriver. Mais en même temps je sais que c’est normal et j’ai conscience que je n’ai pas mon mot à dire mais cela m’angoisse tout de même…
Je ne recherche pas nécessairement un support en écrivant cela, je vois déjà un psychologue par rapport à cela et a d’autre aspects de ma vie et j’ai la chance d’avoir une famille et des amis avec qui j’ai parlé de la situation et qui sont à l’écoute, compréhensifs envers ce que je vis sans jugement. Je trouve surtout ma situation plus ou moins atypique d’être en peine d’amour après une semi aventure non officielle relié un un timing mauvais et d’être toujours autant attaché malgré plusieurs mois d’écouler depuis que on s’est embrassé. Je me demande donc si une situation semblable est déjà arrivé à quelqu’un et combien de temps cela a pris pour passer à autre chose sans couper les ponts vu qu’il n’y a pas d’animosité et que cette fille est quelqu’un que je tiens pas à perdre.
Merci de m’avoir lu

A few years ago I was presented with a proposal that dropped my jaw. My friend group that had been together mostly since high school was fairly sexually open. I had played the role of "bull" for a few of my friends who wanted to experience the hotwife lifestyle, and in pretty much each case, everyone walked away happy and content. It wasn't a secret in our group, nor was it something we talked about often.
One couple in the group, Nora and Rob, were relatively new additions. Nora worked with my friend Kelly right out of college, so at this point I had known her and her husband for about 6 years. She's very outgoing, gregarious, and positive. Tons of fun to be around. Rob is great too, but a bit quieter. He's definitely content to hang around with friends and enjoy the vibe without being the center of attention.
Anyways, one evening most of us were at Kelly's house on a weekend evening when Rob pulled me aside.
"Nora and I have been thinking a lot about adding something new, and we think we might want to try sharing her with another man."
My jaw dropped. Not because I had never done something like that before for a couple. I have. And it's usually awesome. But Rob never struck me as someone who wanted to try something like this. I told him that they'd need to think deeply about it and if it's something they wanted, I'd be happy to help out.
A couple weeks passed and I mostly forgot about that conversation until Rob texted me asking if I wanted to come over and talk about it with them. Later that evening I was sitting in their living room. I had been to their home by myself a few times before, but never with this topic of conversation. Luckily, any potential awkwardness was immediately assuaged by Nora, who's always the life of a conversation.
"Rob and I have been talking about this for months. Roleplaying, fantasizing, even a couple times we went out with me showing more skin than usual and I think we're fully ok with it," she said, excitedly.
"That's good, but you know actually doing something is a whole different ballgame," I responded.
"I know," she replied. "And to be honest, our only hang up is that we think it's best if Rob isn't there for it."
This part caught me off guard. The next part blew me away.
"So we figured the only way to truly relax and let whatever happens happen is if its done far away. Like on vacation or something."
I've had men ask me to have sex with their wives before. I've never had someone ask me to take his wife on vacation and have sex with her there. I looked over at Rob. He was looking serious, but excited.
We talked it out a bit more and once I was sure they're both fully on board and ok with this happening, we started to plan something out. Nora and I are both teachers and summer break was coming up in a few weeks. They had a bunch of airline points saved up and decided it was worth it to cash some of them in to fly us to Jamaica to visit Hedo, a swinger resort.
Normally, I would have thought this was too much, too soon. But Nora is not the kind of woman to half-ass something, and I wasn't going to argue against it. And in any case, the chance to be alone with her in a sexually-charged atmosphere for days was more than I could give up.
Long story short, a few weeks later Nora and I found ourselves in hot, tropical Jamaica, walking into the lobby at Hedo. Everything that led up to this was a whirlwind, especially with how busy work was to close off the school year. Walking into that resort started to make it all real, however.
What made it even more real was when we were walking to our room after checking in, we passed by a woman, probably in her late 40s, wearing nothing but flip flops and a big smile. I didn't want to stare, but the novelty of the situation was almost too much for me. She clearly wasn't bothered by us looking, and as we passed by her, laughed a bit under her breath and said, "First time?"
In the room, we began to unpack and an awkward silence descended on us. Other than generalities, we hadn't exactly discussed what we would be doing. I was comfortable with everything, even if she didn't want to play at all, at least I got to take a few days off in a tropical haven for a change.
Nora went to the bathroom to shower and freshen up. I laid on the bed, having changed into swim shorts and a t shirt. Twenty minutes or so later she came out, in just a towel, wrapped around her chest.
"I think you might be overdressed for a swinger resort, Nora," I teased.
She blushed slightly and smiled at me before going to her bag to dig out a bikini set. She faced away from me and dropped her towel, gifting me my first view of her naked body, although she continued to face away from me as she got dressed. I wasn't going to push her, but I was happy to enjoy whatever she felt comfortable showing off.
After she got dressed in a bikini with a small wrap skirt around her waist, we went down to check out the resort. Hedo has a clothing optional side and a fully nude side. We opted to stay on the clothing optional side to start off. We walked the beach a bit and then settled down into a couple of lounge chairs, staring out at the ocean. Seeing so many diverse people in varying states of undress walk around was a totally unique sight. Nora and I barely talked much as we walked around in awe.
"Do you think you'll be brave enough to go nude at some point while we're here?" she asked.
"Maybe. I don't know yet. In my current state, I might poke an eye out though," I said jokingly.
Nora laughed. "Seeing all these naked women has had an effect on you, huh?"
"Not exactly. More so the not-naked woman sitting next to me," I responded. I knew I was turning up the cheese, but she didn't mind. She turned a deep shade of red and fell silent for a bit.
A little while later I motioned to a couple about 50 feet down the beach from us. They were both totally naked, laying on lounge chairs. What was notable was that the woman was very obviously stroking the man's dick as he gently massaged her boobs. Outward sexual activity during the day is officially frowned upon at Hedo, but we soon found that this was loosely enforced.
We couldn't take our eyes off what was happening for a couple minutes, until a woman, wearing only a bikini bottom, came out of the water and started walking towards us. She looked to be in her 40s, and had a really fit body and a bright smile to match. I smiled and said hello and she asked if she can pull up a chair and sit with us.
"First time here, huh?" she asked, clearly noticing how amazed we were by the scene in front of us.
"Yeah, that obvious?" I replied with a chuckle.
"Only a little. You get used to it. My husband and I have been here almost yearly for years now."
"Where is your husband?" Nora asked.
The woman laughed. "He's the gentleman over there you've been watching," she said proudly.
Watching the look of realization dawn on Nora's face was quite a sight to see. "Wow. And this doesn't bother you at all?" she asked.
"Of course not. I find it really sexy. We met her and her husband last night. Great couple. Lots of fun," she said suggestively. "So how long have you two been together?"
I was about to explain our situation. Friends on a potential hotwife vacation. Perfectly reasonable and easy to explain, right? Before I could, Nora butted in. "About 5 years now!"
I slowly turned away from our new friend and looked Nora in the eye. This woman kept surprising me. But I figured we were going with that as our story.
"So I assume you've never shared partners with others before?" the woman asked.
"Not really," Nora replied. She paused. "But we're excited to try something new of course!"
The woman laughed. "That's the spirit!"
"I was telling my husband to drop his shorts but he's worried about being hard in front of everyone," Nora added.
My head was spinning. She was really enjoying this, partly because she could tell I was in shock at her roleplaying.
"Oh no one would notice or care, I'm sure," the woman responded.
"See babe? Just go for it!" Nora teased. I could tell now she was reveling in this.
Not one to back down from a challenge, I lifted my hips and pulled my shorts down. First time I was ever nude on a beach. Mark that off my bucket list. I glanced over at Nora. Her eyes were glued to my dick. I was pretty hard at this point and there was no way to hide it.
"See? You definitely shouldn't be hiding that," the woman said teasingly. "And by the looks of it, you need to take care of that anyways," she added, clearly meaning Nora.
Nora smiled. "I like to share. You're more than welcome to help out if hubby is ok with it!"
I couldn't believe my ears. I could only nod gently as Nora's devious smile indicated how much she was enjoying all this.
Without wasting any time, the woman (who's name I still didn't know!) reached out and wrapped a hand around my dick. She began to stroke me slowly but purposefully. She clearly knew what she was doing. I suppose multiple trips to this resort would indicate she's not a novice at touching men's dicks. Nora was gleefully watching, having shifted herself in her seat so she was on her side, facing towards me and our new friend.
She began to offer some verbal encouragement. "Do you like that, babe? First time I ever share you with another woman."
I almost laughed at how ludicrous that statement was, but I was too enthralled by the sensations to focus on her teasing. She reached for my hand and rested it on her thigh. I squeezed her thigh a bit, feeling her soft, smooth skin for the first time. I turned to her and we locked eyes. She was clearly enjoying this, maybe almost as much as me.
Our new friend picked up the pace. She was a master at this. I began to tense up. "I'm close," was all I was able to whisper.
Absolutely shocking me, Nora quickly shifted her body to lean over my torso. Before I could do anything, she wrapped her lips around my head while the woman kept stroking me. I was shocked. I had no idea what to do and couldn't hold back any longer. I erupted, hard.
My body tensed up as I shot spurt after spurt of cum into Nora's mouth. The woman continued to stroke me, although slowing a bit and letting me focus on Nora's lips on me. It took me a minute to catch my breath. Nora leaned back into her chair. She smiled at me. No cum on her lips. She swallowed it all.
The woman let go of my quickly softening dick. She leaned over and gave me a quick peck on the underside of my head. "I'm glad I was able to be your first experience. I hope you two have a good time while you're here," she said with a smile.
A minute later, she got up and left back to her room. I turned to Nora. I didn't know what to say.
She had a fulfilled and mischievous look on her face. "I forgot to mention. I'm a bit of a cumslut," she said with a laugh.
This was going to be a wonderful few days.

I’ve been listening to The ‘Passa dal BSMT’ podcast (it was high in the Italian Spotify charts and seemed like an easily accessible massive pool of content to casually get through whenever I get a chance to listen to a few mins of Italian since I just need my phone)
Out of interest I was wondering what sort of accent he has, it seems pretty neutral to me but honestly I can only really identify super strong accents currently. I think he’s from Milan area but doesn’t seem like a strong Milanese accent to me… might be wrong

I wasn't always a psychopath.
Neither was Adam.
There were 10 of us.
Five Adam’s and five Eve’s handcuffed together in a room with no doors. When I opened my eyes, staring at an unfamiliar ceiling, my name was Eve.
I had no other names but Eve.
There were nine bodies spread around me, including a boy, a lump attached to me, curled into a ball. Our real identities were lost, though I could recall small things, tiny splinters still holding on.
I saw a dark room filled with twinkling fairy lights, a bookshelf decorated with titles I never read, boxes of prescribed medication sticking from an overflowing trash can. The walls were covered in sticky notes and calendars, a chalkboard bearing a countdown to a date that had long since passed.
“I thought you were going to try this time? Why do you make it so hard?”
The voice was a ghost in my head. She didn't have a name, barely an identity, but my heart knew her. She existed as a shadow right in the back of my mind, suppressed deep down. With her, I remembered the rain soaking my face, and my pounding footsteps through dirt.
When I tried to dive deeper inside these splinters, I hit a wall.
It should have confused me, angered me, but I couldn't feel anger.
There was only a sense of melancholy that I had lost someone close to me.
With no proper memories, though, I didn't feel sad.
I wasn't the first one awake. There were others, but neither of us spoke, trapped inside our own minds. Drawing my knees to my chest, I wondered what the others were feeling and thinking.
Did they have loved ones they couldn't fully remember?
I did know one thing. There was something wrong with my body, the bones in my knees cracking when I moved them. Everything felt stiff and wrong, my neck giving a satisfying popping noise when I tipped my head left to right. The room was made of glass.
Four glass walls casting four different versions of me.
It was like looking into a fun mirror, each variant of me growing progressively more contorted, a monster blinking back.
There was a metal thing wrapped around my wrist, and when I tugged it, the lump next to me groaned. I noticed the handcuff (and the lump) when I was half awake. But I thought I was hallucinating. The lump had breath that smelled of garlic coffee, and he snored.
Adam, my mind told me.
The lump’s name was Adam.
Everything about me felt…new.
Like a blank slate. I had no real thoughts or memories. The boy attached to me was different from the others.
Adam was dressed in the same bland clothes, but his had colour, a single streak of bright red stained his shirt.
I found myself poking it, and he leaned back, his eyes widening.
The red was dry, ingrained into the material.
Which meant at some point, Adam had been bleeding. Not a lot, and he didn't look like he had any wounds. I studied him. Or, I guess, we studied each other.
He was a wiry brunette with freckles and zero flaws, like his face had been airbrushed.
This wasn't the natural kind of airbrush. I could see where someone or something had attempted to scrape away his freckles too, the skin of his left cheek a raw pinkish colour. I wasn't a stranger to this thing either.
I could see where several spots on my face had been surgically removed.
The boy glued to my side was an enigma in a room drowned of color.
The red on him made him stand out in a sea of white, a mystery I immediately wanted to solve.
I couldn't help it, prodding the guy’s face, running my finger down his cheek and stabbing my nail under his nose for signs of bleeding. I was curious, and curiosity didn't belong in the white room full of blank slates. I wondered if the old me looked for that kind of thing.
Her bookshelf was full of horror and crime thriller, an entire box-set of a detective series my mind wasn't allowed to remember. There was that wall again, this time slamming down firmly on the room with the fairy lights.
There was too much of me in my fragmented memory, the girl who wasn't Eve.
I wasn't fully aware that I was violently prodding Adam, until he wafted my hand away. The boy opened his mouth to speak, his eyes narrowing with irritation, before his mind reminded him that irritation did not exist in the white room.
I watched the anger in his eyes fizzle out, and he frowned at me, adapting the expression of a baby deer.
I think he was trying to be angry, trying to yell at me. When I realized he couldn't swear, or didn't know how to swear, he distanced himself from me, turning his back and folding his arms.
I got the hint, shuffling away, only for the handcuffs to violently snap us back together.
“This is a recorded message stated by the United States Government on eight, twenty seven, two thousand and twenty three regarding The Adam And Eve Project. Please listen carefully. This message will not be repeated.”
A text to speech voice drew my attention to the ceiling, and next to me, Adam let out a quiet hiss.
“You have been unconscious for thirty five days and sixteen hours, following awakening. It is recommended that you remain where you are.” The voice was pre-recorded, but it definitely sounded aimed toward the Adam who was crawling towards a door that looked like a wall, but I could see the subtle glint of a handle.
“Two hundred years ago, on April 5th 2023, NASA announced the discovery of BlueSky, a potentially hazardous NEO (Near Earth Object) was estimated to miss our planet, flying by at just 19,000 miles (32,000 kilometers).”
Two hundred years ago.
The robot’s voice wasn't fully registering in my brain.
The text to speech voice paused, and a screen lit up in front of us displaying BlueSky, and then flickering to several news screens. CBS, NBC, Fox News and BBC all with red banners and panicked looking presenters. “However. During its passing, the BlueSky asteroid’s collision course changed, striking our planet on April 13th, 2023, causing global destruction and a mass extinction event.”
A screen showed us the entirety of the West Coast underwater.
New York, London, Seoul, Tokyo, all of them.
Either wiped from the map, or uninhabitable.
“Wait.” I wasn't expecting Adam to speak, his voice more of a croak.
His eyes widened, like he was remembering who he was before Adam.
“That's Apophis.” He scratched the back of his head. “2029.”
Adam’s random declaration of words and numbers intrigued me.
I inclined my head, motioning for him to continue, but he just shot me a look.
Adam was a lot better at emotions than me. “What?”
“You… said something.” My own voice was a static whisper.
He blinked, narrowing his eyes. “No, I didn't.”
Turning away from the boy, I decided to ignore him, and all of his future declarations. I should have been terrified, mourning the loss of not just my loved ones, but my entire planet.
But I didn't have any memories of the world except the rain, and a dark bedroom filled with fairy lights. I could have been a traveller, visiting every country and documenting each one.
All of that had been taken away, and yet I couldn't feel sad or betrayed.
Why would I mourn a planet I didn't remember?
“Please listen carefully.” The voice continued. “You have been carefully selected in a choosing process for the Adam and Eve program. Humanity's last chance of survival. Two hundred years ago, you were cryogenically frozen in an attempt to restart in a new world. Presently for you, the earth is estimated to be habitable.” When the lights flickered off, the screen lit up, displaying exactly what the voice said.
A new world, and the bluest sky stretching out across a never ending horizon. I found myself transfixed, smiling dazedly at brand new oceans and newly formed continents. “We ask this,” the message crackled. “On behalf of the President of the United States, will you do what we couldn't? Will you make the new world a better place? Will you fix the mistakes of your predecessors and restart our sick world?”
I heard my reply before I was aware of the word in my mouth.
Yes.
The screen was brighter, that beautiful blue sky so hard to look away from.
“Will you create humans you are proud of?”
Yes.
“Yes.” Adam’s murmur followed mine, the others echoing.
“Will you be our future hope? Will you destroy every human being who goes against the new earth and spill blood in the name of Adam and Eve?”
”Yes.”
The room flooded with light, and I blinked rapidly, drool seeping down my chin.
It was the voice's next words that tore away my mind. “It is with great displeasure, however, that we must inform you there are limited resources in our stockpile.” The ceiling opened up, a large ratty bag dropping onto the ground. It was a brand new colour, but this time, a mouldy green. Something snapped in two inside my mind. It didn't belong in the new world. It was… poison from our predecessors.
I backed away with the others, yanking Adam with me. At first, he didn't move, cross legged, a smile stretched across his lips. I don't think he noticed the bag.
He was starry eyed, unblinking at the screen still filled with the new world.
Our new world.
That was ours to mould into our own.
“There is no need for panic,” the voice said. “Consider this bag an artefact of the lost world. There is nothing to fear.”
Fear.
I wasn't sure I knew what that was.
Did my old self feel fear running through the rain?
Did I feel fear witnessing my planet burn right in front of me?
“There can only be one Adam, and One Eve in the new world.” The voice continued. “Please choose among yourselves. You have two minutes.”
I didn't experience fear when the tranquillity in the white room dissolved.
Adam violently pulled me to my feet when an Eve with a blonde bob dove inside the bag and pulled out a gun. She shouldn't have been able to use it.
Our memories were gone, our old selves footprints in the sand. But it was the way her fingers expertly wrapped around the butt, that made me think otherwise. The Eve didn't hesitate, and with perfect aim, blew the heads off of two Adam’s, and then another Eve. I watched more colour splatter and pool and stain the white room, bodies falling like dominoes.
When an Eve stepped toward me, my Adam pulled me across the room, dipped into the bag, his fingers wrapped around a machete. He threw me a gun, and another Adam dived for it.
Still no fear.
I ducked and grabbed it, my hands working for me, shooting the Adam between the eyes. I realized what we needed to do to survive. But it wasn't fear that made me kill. It was necessary for the new earth. The words were in my head, suffocating my thoughts. We had limited resources. There was no screaming, no crying, or begging.
An Eve knocked me onto my face, but there was no pain.
She kicked me in the head, plunging her knife into the back of my leg.
Still no pain.
Blood stained me, running down my chin.
No pain.
I didn't think, I just acted. One Adam and Eve left, and they were hardest to take down. The Eve circled me, eyes narrowed, calculating my every move.
Adam and I communicated through nods and head gestures. Adam told me to go for the sandy haired Adam, while he would take a swipe at an Eve.
I was taken off guard when the Adam surrendered, only to kick me onto my back, knocking Adam off balance too. I thought we were going to die. But my Adam had been following and predicting their every move. Back to back, I reached for my gun. Two bullets left.
I managed to get Eve straight through her left eye.
I didn't notice we were the only ones left until the walls were stained red, my hands coated with Adam’s and Eve’s, and the final Adam was lying in a stemming pool of blood. I had pieces of skull stuck in my hair, and I was out of breath, but I felt a sense of triumph.
There was so much blood, but it was the blood of the old world. Both of us knew that. Adam turned to me, his eyes filled with stars, his skin stained red.
I thought he was going to hug me, but his gaze found the screen where our new world awaited us. The two of us were breathless, awaiting the next instructions. But none came. I counted hours, and then a full day.
Adam had gotten progressively less appealing the longer I stayed isolated with him. He sat against the wall with his knees to his chest, head of matted curls against the wall, the two of us suffocating in the stink from the slow decomposition around us.
The other Adam’s and Eve’s were in their first stage.
Bloating.
How did I know that?
“2029.” Adam kept muttering to himself, over and over again.
It was the same number, repeatedly.
I couldn't feel anger or irritable, but I was confused why he was saying it.
Another day went by, and I was starting to feel deeply suppressed hunger start to bleed through. I watched Adam counting to himself, his eyes closed, feet tapping on the floor, and wondered if the new world would accept cannibalism.
Adam stared at himself in the fun-mirror a lot, making noises with his mouth. I wasn't fully concentrating when he turned to me, blurting, “How big was Apophis again?”
To me, his words were alien, and I ignored him.
But then he started talking again, spewing random words.
“Huntley Diving Centre. Med school. Cheese sandwich. Man with a bald head.”
When I told him to stop, he continued. “Van. Cheese sandwich. Pretty Little Liars.” He knocked his head against the wall. “Professor Jacobs told me to go but I didn't want to go. I told him I'd call the cops, and then I'm seeing silver.”
“Adam.” I said. “Stop.”
“Bad news,” he whispered. “Very bad news I'm not allowed to tell anyone.”
“Adam.”
I think I was irritated.
Adam sighed, closing his eyes. “United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru,” his gaze tracked the screen in front of us. “Republic Dominican, Cuba, Caribbean, Greenland, El Salvador too.”
“We’ve found them!” an Adam’s voice, a *human voice ripped me from slumber.
“Over here!”
Thundering footsteps followed and something in my gut twisted.
I stood up, swaying. Adam followed, half lidded eyes barely finding mine.
His expression was new. I think mine was too.
Fear.
Humans.
Before I knew what was happening, I was being grabbed by masked men, who were surprisingly gentle.
Humans. I didn't know what to say. I asked them how they survived the asteroid impact, and they told me to stay calm. Adam was behind me, his arms pinned behind his back.
He was being told to stay calm, but Adam was calm. He may have been nodding along to the human’s words, but he was thinking exactly what I was.
When an Eve cupped my cheeks and asked if I was okay, my gaze flicked to my discarded gun.
“Oliva!” She was yelling in my face. “Sweetie, you're in shock. Can you tell me how many fingers I’m holding up?”
I nodded dizzily, unable to tear my gaze from my weapon. “Five.”
There could only be ONE Adam and ONE Eve.
I felt fear for the first time when Adam and I were led through large silver doors and into blinding sunlight. When it faded and my eyes found clarity, I wasn't seeing breathtaking views of mountains and newly formed oceans.
Across the road, a woman was walking her dog.
A school bus flew past, then an ambulance, a long line of traffic snaking down the road. I could smell Chinese food, my mouth watering.
When Adam started screaming, my fear came back, and it was enough to unravel me completely, sending me to my knees. I was still stained in blood, wrapped in a blanket I could barely feel. My mind that had been ripped apart, that had splintered for the good of our humanity, was starting to crumble.
Humanity didn't need fucking saving.
It only truly hit me when I was sitting in the back of a cop car, Adam in the front seat, that I wasn't a last savior of our species. The earth was still spinning, still alive in modern day 2023, and I was just Eve.
The Eve who sat next to me in the back of the car, gently rubbing my hands, told me my name was Olivia.
I was a twenty four year old student, and I had been missing for three years.
Adam’s name was Kai.
He was twenty three, and a med student.
No, we were Adam and Eve.
I spent a while in another white room, but this time I wasn't forced to kill people.
I was told I had been through brutal torture I could not remember. I told her that was impossible, and then she calmly showed me my legs and arms.
I was covered in burns, old and new bruises, my body sliced open and stitched up. With this abuse, my kidnappers had successfully turned me into a shell of myself. I was asked if I wanted therapy to revisit those memories, but I declined. I was happy being Eve, even if it was just for a while.
I saw Adam several times, but he was never fully conscious, either strapped to a bed, muttering to himself, or cross legged on the floor, head tipped back.
I was two months into my treatment when he barged into my room.
“2029.” Adam said, his words slurring. “Is when Apophis is going to hit us.”
I nodded slowly, dropping the book I was reading. My re-education was going well. I was getting my emotions back. Which, of course, included annoyance. “It's going to miss us.”
“Think!” Adam hissed, pressing his finger to his lips. “Gotta be quiet! Shhhhh!”
Shutting the door painfully slowly like he was in a cartoon skit, Adam stumbled over to my bed prodding at his neck.
“They stabbed me,” he said in a manic giggle, “But I'm not stupid! I'm smart! I'm like sooo smart and it's been driving me crazy, but now I see it.” Adam leaned forward. “Apophis. 2029,” he said, his breath tickling my cheek. “Is why we were taken.”
He burst out laughing.
“Can't you see? April? 2029? 19,000 miles! A biiiiig lump of space rock going zooooooom!” he stopped laughing, slamming his fist into his palm.
Impact.
“BANG!”
Adam’s eyes widened, his expression crumpling.
“Help me.” He whispered, before crumpling into a heap, and then dragged out by several Eve’s in white.
According to them, he ‘was experiencing mild side effects from treatment.’
Unlike me, Adam chose to get his memories back.
Yeah, that's not a good idea.
Olivia’s mind was too much, too painful.
My old life started to seep back in the form of loved ones as I was slowly deconditioned.
I stopped referring to boys and girls and Adam’s and Eve’s, and was firmly told “The New Earth” was just fantasy, all of the destruction I saw generated with AI.
I have a girlfriend, who visited me every day.
She said I didn't have to take the therapy, but I know she wants me to remember Olivia. Her name is Charlie, and when I was released from the white room, she took me back to our shared house.
I have two roommates. Sam and Matt. Both of them kept their distance for a while, especially when I accidentally referred to them as Adam’s. I'm still getting letters from the facility politely “inviting” me for a therapy session.
I’m ignoring them, but I have started seeing a single black van outside our house.
I think my kidnappers are back, and I'm terrified.
The facility told me to call them AS SOON as I see anyone suspicious.
I've told Charlie and the guys to hide upstairs, and right now I'm in our living room. It's pitch black outside, but I can see a figure standing directly outside our house. I've turned off all the lights.
Every time I blink, I swear they're getting closer.
I think whoever wants a new world has come back for me.

It's 5am and I feel like sharing my process thus far.
I am currently 28 and will be 29 this year. I got married at 21 going on 22 and I remember everyone except my immediate family telling me that I was too young to marry. Now I understand that 21 is perhaps too young for most, but as for me, this was how I've planned my life since childhood. Get a degree, get married, then have my first baby within my first year of being married. Everything was lining up, my husband and I got married, bought a four bedroom house within our first year and all that was left was for us to have a baby. HA!!!
While I knew I didn't want a baby until being married for a full year, we weren't using protection and I think it was at month 5 or 6 that I said to myself "hold up, how comes I haven't gotten pregnant accidentally" . I was thinking that people have unprotected sex one time and get pregnant so what's wrong with my body? I started doing research and found that if after a year I had not gotten pregnant I should go see the doctor. I said "screw that" and made an appointment. My doctor took one look at me and determined that I had PCOS but he still did an ultrasound to confirm. He said it was not normal for adult females to have acne plus my broad shoulders in comparison to my hips and waist was also a sign as many individuals with pcos have these features. I wish he had also mentioned my dark skin at the back of my neck...
Being the person that I am, I delved into research. I joined forums such as this one and I started to learn a bunch of stuff (will share these at the end). I found supplements that I should be 5 I tried everything. I didn't mention earlier that I got married in August 2017, so this was all 2017 to 2018. In 2019, I decided to do a 2 year masters program. For my first semester, I had relaxed on trying to conceive, but after that, I decided that I wasn't going to waste 2 years not trying. I like how people say to not think about it and it will happen naturally LOL. I was mostly focused on school at the time. It was a pretty intense program, and yet... no baby! By the start of 2020, I started to look into a fertility specialist. Luckily for me, unlike America, my country (Jamaica) didn't require me to wait 3-6 months for my first appointment. I got it within the same week of calling. I appreciated that my new doctor didn't stress about my weight, and it made me want to see him. I also felt like he was very knowledgeable.
As you all know, by March 2020, Covid had hit most countries, and Jamaica was no exception. This made my appointments more frustrating because the government had imposed curfews that were beyond ridiculous. Nevertheless, during the time my doctor prescribed letrozole and we did a trigger shot and timed intercourse for about 4 or 5 rounds, with no success. My first dosage was about 5mg, and my last dosage was 7.5. I had at least 4 mature eggs with the last dosage, and with 5mg I had around 2 or 3. Oh, I forgot to mention that we do not have any male factor and to be quite honest, I know that some people are devastated after finding out that both they and their spouse have something going on BUT for me I secretly wished my spouse had male factor cause by then I was tired of trying and him having a male factor would perhaps cause him to give into adopting. He didn't want that and made it clear. Although he told me he would stick by me, there was always a part of me that felt like one day he would get tired enough and leave. He's 9 years older and has been ready for a baby. His coworkers and church members constantly asking didn't help either. Either way, he was and continues to be supportive .
Anyway, we are now in the year 2021. January to May was hectic because I was doing my thesis ,we kept having unprotected sex but no fertility mess other than the supplements I was taking. We had planned with our doctor to do our first iui in July but in May I got a call from an agency that I applied to back in 2019 if I was still interested in teaching in America. I accepted and we moved to the U.S. in July of 2021 so that iui went through the door. I was exited to live in the U.S. because although we had scheduled an iui, we were wondering how we would pay for it and I know deep down that ivf would be my end game which I just couldn't pay for living in Jamaica. In Jamaica my salary as a teacher was about 10k USD per year and ivf was around the same price. Both my husband and I are teachers and it just couldn't work.
I spent my first year in the U.S. looking for a good fertility clinic. It was hard to chose given the bad reviews on some that were close to me. In Jamaica I only had one option for a fertility clinic since only 2 were on the island, one being 3 hours away from me and the other, 40 minutes. I spoke to a doctor from one clinic ( I'm in Atlanta btw) and he was pushing ivf too much even though I wanted to try the iui first. I don't like the feeling of a money hungry doctor and that's how I felt. I started to search for a new clinic again, found one that I loved due to the proximity, the prices and the doctor! Scheduled an iui for July of 2023 then BOOM! I called my clinic with the first day of my period and they said the doctor quit 😆 MY LUCK! Waited 6 months while the new doctor got settled from another state, acquiring his Georgia license etc. At this point I felt like switching clinics but I was too lazy to search again. I had my iui In January 2024 and it didn't work. It was suggested to try 3 iuis but given that we are self pay, we decided that if 2 more iuis did not work, we would be pissed that that money could have gone into ivf. Our iui was 2k btw.
When our iui failed we went straight to ivf, no stops. These are my results: 29 eggs retrieved 25 mature 20 Fertilized 11 embryos 8 after PGT (4 girls and 4 boys)
I have my Frozen Embryo Transfer next Monday and I am definitely nervous but after almost 7 years of being married and basically trying the whole time, I need this so badly. For anyone wondering, we have spent around 28k thus far 😭 with meds and everything else that comes along with it. I can't wait to meet my baby and to let him or her know that they were truly wanted in this world. Pray for us y'all or wish us luck. It's hard working with kids all day and have none of your own. My students ask my all the time if I have kids, why I don't have kids and if it's because of their bad behavior why I don't want kids 😂 . I'm laughing now but it really tears me up inside when they ask.
As promised, here is what I have learnt from my journey 1. Stop going to a regular gyno and see a gyno who is a fertility specialist!!!!

1. If you are overweight like me, try to lose some. It's not an attack when your doctors encourage you. Not everyone gets pregnant from losing weight but being in the best shape to carry isn't a bad thing.
   
2. Supplements I've tried: *Lydia Pinkham tablets- With the Lydia pinkham, I had periods every month and was possibly ovulating, I guess maybe my egg quality wasn't great as to why I didn't get pregnant *Jamaican dog blood bush herb- The dog blood bush works great too, I just hate the taste but many swear by it. Great for blocked tubes etc.
   
   • berberine- thus cured my insomnia and also helped regulate my period. *inositol (worked for a year to regukate my cycle then stopped) *currently on NAC.
3. Having a period every month doesn't mean you ovulate. How are you sure that you do ovulate? If you are very sure you ovulate, do you know if your egg quality is good?
   
4. Do all the tests to ensure you don't have polyps or that your tubes are blocked.
   

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE. Feel free to ask me anything 🤗
UPDATE https://www.reddit.com/TryingForABaby/s/g2RfZIxKQP

Hello po! I'm a nurse aiming to work sa Germany and still learning German language which is free under sa agency na apply ko. Can I ask po how many months or years it took maka abroad kayo sa Germany? Halos mag 1 year na kami samin batch under sa agency nag aral ng German, sadly hindi kami naka passa lahat last January except sa speaking passado naman po ako for B1 Level "Allgemein" . Nagka trust issues kami ng mga classmates ko sa agency and testing center baka perahan lang kami nito. Also, meron kami interview sa employer last year pero nagback out which hindi namin alam ang reason tapos this year bumalik ang employer for re-interview ulit pero di na ako kasali kasi naka interview ako sa ibang employer under sa same agency at pasok naman. Nagdali kaming lahat ibigay mga original documents sa agency kasi sabi nila ipadala nila sa Germany una ang papers namin para ma process and for translation, but only to find out hindi pa naman iprocess kung hindi pa kami naka passar sa B1 level namin. I know legit ang agency kasi na check ko ang POEA licensed number nila. Nawala ang motivation kami ng classmates ko magreview kasi parang walang assurance ang agency namin. Tsaka yung isang classmate ko meron siya friend from the other batch passado na po siya ang B2 Level but until now walang employer tapos under 2 years na siya sa agency namin. Likewise, hindi ko na basa ang part na Manpower pooling pala yung na apply ko kasi hindi naman makita doon sa advertise nila. Hesitant ako magchange ng agency baka ipabayad kami sa mga gastos nila samin kasi na reimburse na yung flight tickets namin papunta sa Manila for the exam and sagot rin nila ang free hotel.
Can ko lang po ano po yung ma advice niyo sa status ko? Should I change agency na ba or should I stay knowing matagal ang process? Makita ko kasi sa ibang agency marami silang passado na nurses tapos napa abroad rin nila agad, eh kami parang stagnant parin.
Sorry for the long post po. Have a blessed day sa inyo.

pessoal que já passou em um concurso e tomou posse, contem suas experiências como servidores para que podemos ouvir.
falem sobre os lados POSITIVOS e os NEGATIVOS de ser funça.
vou deixar umas questões pra ajudar levantar o debate.
1) HUMILHAÇÃO: a gente sabe que no mercado privado a gente passa por muita humilhação de chefe, clientes, e colegas de trabalho, mas como é isso no setor público?
2) ATESTADO: é okay entregar um atestado se você realmente estiver doente? porque no mercado privado isso é mal visto mesmo que vc esteja mal. eu mesma tenho consulta a cada 15 dias com uma médica que me acompanha, como seria isso no setor público?
3) ENROLAR SERVIÇO: a gente sabe que vai chegando datas comemorativas e finais de semana, a tendência é dar uma afrouxada na rotina, como é isso pra vocês?
4) VIDA PESSOAL PRIVADA: sabemos também que no mercado privado, a gestão toma conta da sua vida pessoal, até das redes sociais, e acabam interferindo na sua vida privada. como é isso no setor privado?
5) USO DE BANHEIRO - TOMAR CAFÉ: sabemos que muitas empresas privadas controlam até o tempo de banheiro do funcionário e tentam EXPRIMIR o maior ritmo de produção possível até a pessoa ter um burn out e pedir as contas, como é isso no setor público?
6) COLEGAS DE TRABALHO: no setor privado é muito comum as pessoas derrubarem as outras por fofoca, inveja, tudo porque quer puxar saco de chefe ou quer promoção, as pessoas são beeeem competitivas, e no setor público como é?
7) RITMO DE TRABALHO: como mencionei acima, sabemos que nas empresas privadas, os funcionários são espremidos até a ultima gota de suor e tem até as piadas de "chorar no banheiro", só quem passou pela exaustão do mercado de trabalho privado sabe do que tô falando. como é esse ritmo no setor público?

tl;dr: Overall we had a wonderful time, however the value felt low even considering the "Disney Tax," compared to our previous DCL experience 7-years ago. There are so many things Disney did right, and some things I feel they could improve upon.
This might be long, so I'm going to split this into the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. But first, a little context- my parents, wife, kids and I sailed on the Fantasy 7-years ago. We are long time WDW and DCL fans, and have been DVC members since 1999. On our last cruise, my youngest was 3 and my dad was 82, and we all had an absolutely incredible time. Unfortunately, since our last cruise my father has passed away, and so this time it was my mom (77), wife and I (44), and our 2 boys (almost 11 and 15). Yesterday we got off the Fantasy (Cozumel, Grand Cayman, Jamaica, Castaway Cay).
The Good
Overall, the cruise was wonderful. Operationally, everything went incredibly smooth. We had one big issue come up (my MIL back at home had an emergency surgery that we found out about as we were boarding the ship), and Guest Services was absolutely amazing, letting us make a phone call back home when we realized there was no cellular service available in Cozumel. There were a few other small issues that came up during the cruise (things like magic bands not working for our door), but they were quickly handled by guest services.
As we'd come to expect on prior DCL cruises, our room steward was absolutely incredible- very friendly, we got to know him a bit during the cruise, and was happy to help us out with anything we needed. We were celebrating both of my boys' birthdays during the cruise, and when we put Happy Birthday magnets on our door the day of our youngest's birthday, he noticed and left some extra chocolates and a Happy Birthday message in front of the towel animal.
Our dining team was also quite good and very friendly (though there were a couple of small issues I'll point out in the next section). When the food was great.. it was absolutely wonderful. Food highlights for us were the first night in Enchanted Garden, everything in Royal Court (2 dinners and a few breakfasts), and lunch in Cabanas. The food in Cabanas for lunch was great for us- everything was fresh, warm, and very well prepared. Even though things would get quite crowded, we never had any issues finding a table where all 5 of us could sit together, and the servers working to clear out old plates, were absolutely fantastic.
We purchased the photo package, and I think this is one place where DCL has gotten better since our last cruise. Back in 2017, it felt like opportunities to have photographs taken was much more limited than this year. We were able to get a ton of great family and individual photos taken- in the Atrium, at dinner, on Castaway, and randomly throughout the ship. Our kids aren't big into character meet/greets so I dont have much to go on there. But we felt like we were able to get a lot of wonderful pictures of our time aboard the ship.
Then there is the entertainment. And true to Disney, everything from the big theater shows to the small music performances were absolutely top notch. Aladdin was one of our favorite last time (I dont think Frozen was on our last cruise), and this time it ranked 3rd of the 3 big shows- not because it was bad (it was incredibly well done) but because Frozen and Believe were even more amazing. We also all enjoyed both the magic show, and the Junnk show in the main theater. The pirate show was also a lot of fun, and fireworks at sea is always such a cool experience.
For excursions, we did 2- on Cozumel we did the VIP Catamaran with Snorkeling, and we did the E-Bike tour on Jamaica. Both excursions were run by fantastic guides, and we all had a blast, with one very big exception (due to a lack of communication) that I'll talk about in the next section. We've done quite a bit of cruising on other lines, and the friendliness and attentiveness of the excursion guides was up there with the best we've had (which is similar to our experience on our last DCL cruise).
And as you would expect Castaway Cay was incredible. I was a little disappointed that they're no longer doing the organized 5k (you can still do it on your own throughout the day and get a medal), but I definitely understand why (I think there were all of 15 or 20 people doing it with my wife and I back in 2017). There was a bit of craziness in the form of a VERY long line disembarking that day (our line wrapped all the way around the atrium, and went through the shopping area, then down to deck 1 at the front of the ship) but that was due to an unanticipated 4-hour delay due to an ill passenger that had to be disembarked to a hospital in Nassau, and I have to say that even with the long line, DCL handled it quite well and efficiently.
The Bad
While we had a wonderful time, I think there are definitely some places where it felt like our experience could have been better (and it felt like a bit of a downgrade from our last cruise). I'll start with the food and service. In 2017, our breakfast experience in Cabanas was incredible. I recall making comments to my wife/parents that it was one of the best breakfast buffets I'd ever had, and I was amazed they could pull it off while serving so many people. This cruise? Not so much. Some things like the smoked salmon, fruit, yogurt, and those Churro Mickey Waffles were incredible. However many of the hot dishes were luke-warm at best, the scrambled eggs on 2 occasions were flat-out cold, and overall, breakfast at Cabanas felt much more inline with most other cruise line breakfast buffets. Was it bad? No. However it was no where near the level of quality we experienced on our first cruise. The flip side of this was breakfast at Royal Court which was incredible, and I'm glad we had the option (which we took advantage of on 3 mornings).
The other big miss food-wise for us was Animator's Palette. While the entertainment was quite fun (especially watching all the little kids around us enjoying the show), the food was lackluster. For example, my mom had one of the toughest beef tenderloins she'd ever had (it was hard to cut through with a steak knife), and just overall the food was a few steps below the food at the other restaurants in the dining rotation.
We also had some issues with our servers and attentiveness. Nothing terrible, but just not the high level that should come at the price point of a Disney cruise. On several occasions, we'd ask for something (coffee with desert for example) and it either wouldn't come, or would come after we'd finished eating our desert. My mom even commented that she felt at times like she was invisible. Now don't get me wrong- our servers were very friendly, and we enjoyed their service very much- its just a place that they could have definitely done better.
Another ding I'd put on our dining experience is the pours for glasses of wine. Each night the adults would all get a glass of something to go along with whatever we were ordering, and the glasses were about 2/3 of what I'd normally expect for a glass of wine in a restaurant. I found that I'd get about what I'd expect with a glass of wine from the bars, but at dinner, they were definitely light pours. Again, nothing that was bad enough to be upsetting, but something I think could have been a bit better.
Above I alluded to an issue we had with an excursion, and it was one that ended up ruining a night for our youngest (and my wife and I). On the VIP catamaran, it is clearly indicated in the description that you must bring reef-safe sun-screen. In anticipation of this, we ordered some high quality reef-safe sunscreen (at about $30 a bottle- that stuff is pricey!). When we showed up for the tour, the guide made it quite clear that NO sunscreen was allowed at all, reef safe or not. I showed the reef safe logo/information on the sunscreen bottle, and he would not budge. Our youngest is quite fair skinned, and even with trying to stay in the shade as much as possible, he ended up getting burned pretty badly with all the reflections off the water. He was quite ill that evening from the sun (to the point that we were about to bring him down to the medical center), and so he and my wife ended up staying in our room rather than going to dinneentertainment/etc. He was quite sore for a few days after that, but was a trooper and made the best of it. This is a case where simply stating in the excursion description that no sunscreen was allowed, we would have done something different. When I went up to the excursion desk that evening to let them know of our experience, the response was a pretty flat "Sorry that happened, we cant control what excursion operators do."
Finally, the overall cost vs. experience. Unlike in 2017 when we absolutely felt like we got good value for what we'd paid, this experience, I'd say we felt a bit different this time. With how much the cost of DCL cruises has gone up, and the feeling that the overall experience on the ship has gone down a little bit, it was a bit of a tough pill to swallow. We had such an amazing time on our prior DCL cruise that we didn't worry too much about what we were signing up for. I think downgrading our room class a step or two (we were in 2 Deluxe family Veranda rooms like on our last cruise), working with a travel agent, and being a bit more intentional when planning/looking for sales, we will mitigate this a bit in the future.
The Ugly
These are things (passenger related) that are 100% out of DCL control, but were definitely noticed on the trip.
To the family directly behind us at Aladdin- your kids are the most out of control kids I've ever seen. When you do nothing after seeing your kid stick his head between the people in front of you (my son and I), and scream at the top of his lungs every time Genie came out, and when you're all (adults included) talking and yelling so loud throughout the show that people 4 rows in front of you are turning around to see what is going on- you're a problem. I understand why you literally ran out of the theater at the end of the show. (No, I didn't say anything- I wasn't looking for a confrontation and well, y'all seemed like the type to have a confrontation). Editorial Note- I get that there are many kids on Disney cruises, and have lots of patience for kids/families having flat-out meltdowns, I've been there with my own kiddos when they were younger. This one was just something on a completely different level.
And to whomever liked my brand new Yeti water bottle enough to take it from my lounger when I went to the bathroom- I hope you enjoy it, I know I'll miss it.
Conclusion
Holy cow, that ended up being long. I hope there are some good bits of info for people looking to cruise with DCL, especially if they have gone on prior DCL cruises a while back. A lot of the Disney magic is still there, and even though my "Bad" section text seems long, much of it (with the exception of the excursion issue) are smaller things that I think could just be done better. I think with a bit more careful planning on our part (looking for sales, getting a different room class, etc..) we would have felt the value proposition was better. Will we go on another Disney Cruise? Absolutely. Do I hope that some of the issues we had this trip are addressed before the next time we go? That'd be very nice. :)

So Let Them Burn by Kamilah Cole is a Jamaican-inspired YA fantasy about dragons, magic, and sisters. The story takes place five years after the end of a decades-long war in which the people on the island of San Irie overthrew their colonizers in the Langlish Empire. If you find it weird that the author couldn’t think of a better name for the English stand-ins than “the Langlish,” then you are not alone.
Our sisters are 17-year old Faron and 18-year old Elara. Faron has the unique ability to call upon the power of the Iryan gods to perform magic, and she is the reason the Iryans won the war five years ago. At a peace summit with the Langlish, Elara becomes magically bonded to a Langlish dragon and must go to Langley to learn to be a dragon rider. Faron vows to get her sister back and break the bond between Elara and the dragon, which is thought to be impossible.
Review
I was intrigued by the premise of this book but ultimately let down by poor execution. So much of the story feels like it was built around a checklist of set pieces. Have a dragon race against Draco Malfoy a bully, check. Have a night market scene, check. Have a ball, check. There’s a lot of infodumping, weakly developed romantic relationships, worldbuilding and plot inconsistencies, and baffling character decisions that made me almost DNF many times.
Here’s the biggest let down, for me: according to the book cover, Faron will “set the world on fire” to bring Elara back. I thought that meant her sister would be kidnapped and she’d be wrecking shit the whole book to get her back. In reality, Faron just kinda thinks really hard for two months and whines a lot.
Romance
We have two enemies-to-lovers relationships for both sisters. Neither are believable. Asami Sato Signey Soto has almost no personality, and Elara simply has a lot of ‘gay panic’ moments when interacting with her where she can’t stop thinking about how pretty Signey is but chiding herself for thinking the enemy is attractive. If you like dragons and sapphic relationships, then you’re better off reading The Priory of the Orange Tree.
Reeve Warwick has more personality, and in fact I found his character quite compelling. Faron’s distrust of Reeve is far too quickly thrown aside after she overhears Reeve with his father at the peace summit. There’s just not enough time spent establishing that Faron doesn’t trust Reeve for me to care when she suddenly does trust him. When Reeve called out Faron for being childish and self-centered in the library, I was cheering him on. Imagine my displeasure when Reeve is apologizing to Faron for it later on.
Dialogue
The main characters are teenagers, but they often act like middle schoolers and sometimes talk like thirtysomethings in therapy. For example, here’s Reeve explaining why he shouldn’t have gone to the market in Port Sol: “This is a safe place for this community, and I invaded it, no matter my intentions.” It would have given him more of a character arc and given Faron something to actually dislike him for if he started out being irritated that the Iryans don’t all accept him with open arms.
Word Choice
The descriptions of people are overwritten and include describing skin as “old glue,” “black milk tea,” and “leather-colored.” There are also word choices that don’t make much sense in this world, like a dorm in a fortress being “apartment-style” or the sisters giving each other a “quick recap.”
Missing Pivotal Scenes
It’s very confusing to keep track of who knows what. Faron is keeping a big secret from Elara and Reeve, and she’s very worried about what will happen when they find out. A few chapters later Elara and Reeve somehow know the secret and aren’t even mad at Faron for keeping the truth from them. There’s no build-up of Faron deciding to tell them the secret, no indication that Faron told them at all, and no fall-out from her secret keeping. Why even have her keep the secret? Probably because the first line of the book tells you that Faron is a liar, and for some reason we’re sticking with that despite Faron not really doing much lying at all.
Worldbuilding and Plot Inconsistencies
If I wrote down all the things that happened that made no sense, I would be writing for hours and you’d have checked out by now. Let me list the most egregious.

• I’m supposed to believe a 12 and 13 year old won a decades-long war in less than a year. They show barely any signs of trauma, unless you count Faron being incredibly self-centered and annoying.
• Faron’s ability to call upon the gods is explained as Faron’s prayers being the first prayers the gods heard, but the war has been going on for decades. Obviously other people have been praying to the gods. It would make more sense if it was some Avatar-like cycle where you’re born with the power and only one person at a time can have that power.
• Bag juice. This might seem trivial, but it really pulled me out of the story. In the first few pages, Faron buys bag juice from a street vendor. Bag juice is a traditional Jamaican cold drink sold in a plastic pouch. Faron bites off a corner of the bag to drink it. The thing is, the people in this world get around by horse-drawn carriage and use gas-powered lighting. You’re telling me they also have street vendors selling cold drinks wrapped in disposable plastic bags? Where’s the plastic coming from? It feels like the author wanted to include a nostalgic treat from her childhood without considering the worldbuilding implications.
• Elara escapes from Deadegg in the middle of the night and makes it to Highfort, apparently on foot, by late afternoon. So… she walked for 12 hours through the mountains and never once implied that she was exhausted. She signs up for the military when she gets to Highfort. The very next day, she and her squad who signed up YESTERDAY are in the capital on riot control. Given the map, they would have traveled through the mountains again to get to the capital. The military must be very hard up for recruits. So she hasn’t slept for two days and she’s traveled for a really long time and has no thoughts about that at all! Also, somehow, Elara runs right into Reeve when her squad enters the capital, which presumably is a very large city. How lucky!
• Why did Faron have to start her lessons with Gael by trying to connect to the life force of dragons across the sea? It would have been more interesting if he’d told her to start connecting with the life force of the living things around her. She could have had an ethical dilemma about that until she’s forced to use it to save Reeve’s life.
• Near the end, Faron senses a dragon flying towards San Irie. Somehow, Queen Aveline has already sent a drake to her to take her to the dragon. How did Aveline have enough time to do that? How did they even know there was a dragon coming? No idea. The drake flies Faron to Deadegg, and in the drake she calms down the dragon and makes it turn back. How did the drake pilot know to fly to Deadegg? Again, no idea. How did all this happen before the dragon ever made it to Deadegg? No idea.
• Queen Aveline says the people are calling for war over the unprovoked dragon attack by Zephyra. Why is her solution to personally travel across the sea to the seat of the Langlish Empire, where she can easily be kidnapped or killed?
• There’s absolutely not enough in the story to support the nest’s decision to turn traitors to Langley and escort Elara back to San Irie. Maybe it makes sense for the husbands to do that, because she did save their lives, but even so, why would they preemptively agree to come back to Langley for punishment?
• Queen Aveline was not shown to be a powerful magic user until the very end of the story, when suddenly she is apparently rocket-powered and flies around soloing a mythical dragon.

Trivial but still baffling things

• Regular summoning also seems like a bad gig for the ancestors. You’re telling me I’ve died, but instead of eternal rest I get to be an iPhone for teenagers? No thank you.
• Queen Aveline lets angry protestors on the royal airfield for… transparency?
• Why did Faron release Lightbringer in the town square with all the villagers and children there? Is she stupid?
• Why does the villain have four names at the end of the story? Why introduce the name Iya at all?

In Summary
There’s more I could say about this book, but it probably already looks like I have an axe to grind with this author. This is her debut effort, and I am also not a teenager so I am not the intended audience for this book. Maybe it will resonate with some teenagers, especially those connected to Jamaica. In fact, I hope it does! However, I will be avoiding the sequel to this book.

So Let Them Burn by Kamilah Cole is a Jamaican-inspired YA fantasy about dragons, magic, and sisters. The story takes place five years after the end of a decades-long war in which the people on the island of San Irie overthrew their colonizers in the Langlish Empire. If you find it weird that the author couldn’t think of a better name for the English stand-ins than “the Langlish,” then you are not alone.
Our sisters are 17-year old Faron and 18-year old Elara. Faron has the unique ability to call upon the power of the Iryan gods to perform magic, and she is the reason the Iryans won the war five years ago. At a peace summit with the Langlish, Elara becomes magically bonded to a Langlish dragon and must go to Langley to learn to be a dragon rider. Faron vows to get her sister back and break the bond between Elara and the dragon, which is thought to be impossible.
Review
I was intrigued by the premise of this book but ultimately let down by poor execution. So much of the story feels like it was built around a checklist of set pieces. Have a dragon race against Draco Malfoy a bully, check. Have a night market scene, check. Have a ball, check. There’s a lot of infodumping, weakly developed romantic relationships, worldbuilding and plot inconsistencies, and baffling character decisions that made me almost DNF many times.
Here’s the biggest let down, for me: according to the book cover, Faron will “set the world on fire” to bring Elara back. I thought that meant her sister would be kidnapped and she’d be wrecking shit the whole book to get her back. In reality, Faron just kinda thinks really hard for two months and whines a lot.
Romance
We have two enemies-to-lovers relationships for both sisters. Neither are believable. Asami Sato Signey Soto has almost no personality, and Elara simply has a lot of ‘gay panic’ moments when interacting with her where she can’t stop thinking about how pretty Signey is but chiding herself for thinking the enemy is attractive. If you like dragons and sapphic relationships, then you’re better off reading The Priory of the Orange Tree.
Reeve Warwick has more personality, and in fact I found his character quite compelling. Faron’s distrust of Reeve is far too quickly thrown aside after she overhears Reeve with his father at the peace summit. There’s just not enough time spent establishing that Faron doesn’t trust Reeve for me to care when she suddenly does trust him. When Reeve called out Faron for being childish and self-centered in the library, I was cheering him on. Imagine my displeasure when Reeve is apologizing to Faron for it later on.
Dialogue
The main characters are teenagers, but they often act like middle schoolers and sometimes talk like thirtysomethings in therapy. For example, here’s Reeve explaining why he shouldn’t have gone to the market in Port Sol: “This is a safe place for this community, and I invaded it, no matter my intentions.” It would have given him more of a character arc and given Faron something to actually dislike him for if he started out being irritated that the Iryans don’t all accept him with open arms.
Word Choice
The descriptions of people are overwritten and include describing skin as “old glue,” “black milk tea,” and “leather-colored.” There are also word choices that don’t make much sense in this world, like a dorm in a fortress being “apartment-style” or the sisters giving each other a “quick recap.”
Missing Pivotal Scenes
It’s very confusing to keep track of who knows what. Faron is keeping a big secret from Elara and Reeve, and she’s very worried about what will happen when they find out. A few chapters later Elara and Reeve somehow know the secret and aren’t even mad at Faron for keeping the truth from them. There’s no build-up of Faron deciding to tell them the secret, no indication that Faron told them at all, and no fall-out from her secret keeping. Why even have her keep the secret? Probably because the first line of the book tells you that Faron is a liar, and for some reason we’re sticking with that despite Faron not really doing much lying at all.
Worldbuilding and Plot Inconsistencies
If I wrote down all the things that happened that made no sense, I would be writing for hours and you’d have checked out by now. Let me list the most egregious.

• I’m supposed to believe a 12 and 13 year old won a decades-long war in less than a year. They show barely any signs of trauma, unless you count Faron being incredibly self-centered and annoying.
• Faron’s ability to call upon the gods is explained as Faron’s prayers being the first prayers the gods heard, but the war has been going on for decades. Obviously other people have been praying to the gods. It would make more sense if it was some Avatar-like cycle where you’re born with the power and only one person at a time can have that power.
• Bag juice. This might seem trivial, but it really pulled me out of the story. In the first few pages, Faron buys bag juice from a street vendor. Bag juice is a traditional Jamaican cold drink sold in a plastic pouch. Faron bites off a corner of the bag to drink it. The thing is, the people in this world get around by horse-drawn carriage and use gas-powered lighting. You’re telling me they also have street vendors selling cold drinks wrapped in disposable plastic bags? Where’s the plastic coming from? It feels like the author wanted to include a nostalgic treat from her childhood without considering the worldbuilding implications.
• Elara escapes from Deadegg in the middle of the night and makes it to Highfort, apparently on foot, by late afternoon. So… she walked for 12 hours through the mountains and never once implied that she was exhausted. She signs up for the military when she gets to Highfort. The very next day, she and her squad who signed up YESTERDAY are in the capital on riot control. Given the map, they would have traveled through the mountains again to get to the capital. The military must be very hard up for recruits. So she hasn’t slept for two days and she’s traveled for a really long time and has no thoughts about that at all! Also, somehow, Elara runs right into Reeve when her squad enters the capital, which presumably is a very large city. How lucky!
• Why did Faron have to start her lessons with Gael by trying to connect to the life force of dragons across the sea? It would have been more interesting if he’d told her to start connecting with the life force of the living things around her. She could have had an ethical dilemma about that until she’s forced to use it to save Reeve’s life.
• Near the end, Faron senses a dragon flying towards San Irie. Somehow, Queen Aveline has already sent a drake to her to take her to the dragon. How did Aveline have enough time to do that? How did they even know there was a dragon coming? No idea. The drake flies Faron to Deadegg, and in the drake she calms down the dragon and makes it turn back. How did the drake pilot know to fly to Deadegg? Again, no idea. How did all this happen before the dragon ever made it to Deadegg? No idea.
• Queen Aveline says the people are calling for war over the unprovoked dragon attack by Zephyra. Why is her solution to personally travel across the sea to the seat of the Langlish Empire, where she can easily be kidnapped or killed?
• There’s absolutely not enough in the story to support the nest’s decision to turn traitors to Langley and escort Elara back to San Irie. Maybe it makes sense for the husbands to do that, because she did save their lives, but even so, why would they preemptively agree to come back to Langley for punishment?
• Queen Aveline was not shown to be a powerful magic user until the very end of the story, when suddenly she is apparently rocket-powered and flies around soloing a mythical dragon.

Trivial but still baffling things

• Regular summoning also seems like a bad gig for the ancestors. You’re telling me I’ve died, but instead of eternal rest I get to be an iPhone for teenagers? No thank you.
• Queen Aveline lets angry protestors on the royal airfield for… transparency?
• Why did Faron release Lightbringer in the town square with all the villagers and children there? Is she stupid?
• Why does the villain have four names at the end of the story? Why introduce the name Iya at all?

In Summary
There’s more I could say about this book, but it probably already looks like I have an axe to grind with this author. This is her debut effort, and I am also not a teenager so I am not the intended audience for this book. Maybe it will resonate with some teenagers, especially those connected to Jamaica. In fact, I hope it does! However, I will be avoiding the sequel to this book.

Hey all! I am at either b2 or c1 Swedish and can 100% handle myself in just about any conversation, but I have no idea how to ask someone for a spot at the gym.
I’m about to visit Sweden for 3 months and will be working out, so I want to learn that phrase.
Would either of these work?
Kan du spotta mig? (I know spotta means spit, but Swedes often take English words and Swedify them)
Kan du passa åt mig?

A New York court handed Donald Trump a lifeline on Monday as time ran out for the former president to secure a bond covering the $454m loss for his recent fraud case.
A panel of appellate court judges gave Trump 10 days to secure a far smaller $175m bond just hours before New York’s attorney general could legally begin the long, slow process of seizing his assets.
Last week Trump’s lawyers said it was a “practical impossibility” for him to secure a bond for half a billion dollars, covering the full fine from his fraud loss.
“A bond of this size is rarely if ever seen. In the unusual circumstance that a bond of this size is issued, it is provided to the largest public companies in the world, not to individuals or privately held businesses,” his lawyers argued.
The attorney general, Letitia James, had made clear that she will seize Trump assets if the bond is not secured. On Friday her office filed judgments in Westchester county, north of New York City, home to Trump’s sprawling Seven Springs estate and golf course.
A judgment has already been entered in New York City, home to some of Trump’s most famous assets, including Trump Tower and 40 Wall Street.
The moves are the first step in a chain of events James will have to take to secure Trump assets. “It’s not going to be a piece of cake,” said Nikos Passas, a professor of criminology and criminal justice at Northeastern University.
Passas said that besides the obvious political issues and Trump’s attacks on the attorney general, James faced difficulties over the complex and opaque financial structure of Trump’s assets. “There may be a lot of debts she may or may not know about. She may have to file a subpoena for financial information,” said Passas.
Passas said Trump might look to reach a deal with bond guarantors that takes into account a potentially huge Friday windfall.
Trump added a potential $3bn to his assets on Friday when his Truth Social social network finalized a long-in-the-making stock-market listing. The investment vehicle that merged with Truth Social has become a “meme stock” – an investment that has attracted a cult-like and whose price seems out of proportion to the business fundamentals.
But that too may be a hard sell. “Meme stocks notoriously go up and down like crazy,” said Passas. “Whoever makes a decision to deal with Trump at this point will be making a political as well as a financial decision.”